“We Do Still Call Her Dad, We Just Use Feminine Pronouns”

“WE DO STILL CALL HER DAD, WE JUST USE FEMININE PRONOUNS”:

NAVIGATION AND NEGOTIATION OF GENDER, SEXUALITY, AND

FAMILY AMONG PEOPLE WITH TRANSGENDER PARENTS

Andrea D. Kelley

A dissertation submitted to the Faculty of the University of Delaware in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Sociology

Spring 2019

“WE DO STILL CALL HER DAD, WE JUST USE FEMININE PRONOUNS”:

NAVIGATION AND NEGOTIATION OF GENDER, SEXUALITY, AND

FAMILY AMONG PEOPLE WITH TRANSGENDER PARENTS

Andrea D. Kelley

Approved: ______Karen F. Parker, Ph.D. Chair of the Department of Sociology and Criminal Justice

Approved: ______John Pelesko, Ph.D. Interim Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences

Approved: ______Douglas J. Doren, Ph.D. Interim Vice Provost for Graduate and Professional Education

I certify that I have read this dissertation and that in my opinion it meets the academic and professional standard required by the University as a dissertation for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy.

Signed: ______Ann V. Bell, Ph.D. Professor in charge of dissertation

Signed: ______Asia Friedman, Ph.D. Member of dissertation committee

Signed: ______Susan Miller, Ph.D. Member of dissertation committee

Signed: ______Carla Pfeffer, Ph.D. Member of dissertation committee

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing this dissertation has been a collaborative effort of love, support, and guidance from friends, family, and my advisors, each of whom has been instrumental in helping me at all stages of this process. First, a special thank you to my dissertation advisor, Ann V. Bell, who has supported both me and my vision, talked me down from many a ledge of anxiety and uncertainty throughout this process, and helped me become a better researcher and writer over the past six years. My committee members, Asia Friedman, Susan Miller, and Carla Pfeffer have all provided great encouragement and feedback on this project as well as throughout my time as a graduate student. Additionally, the insight and support provided by my mentor stef shuster has been invaluable. I want to thank my cohort, the Estrogen Eleven, for your support throughout graduate school and the love you have shown me throughout the many life changes I have gone through while here. Thank you to my family for loving and supporting me in every way you can, especially in helping to give me extra time to work in a quiet environment without distractions. Extra shout-outs to my mom, my step-mom Lee Ann, and my sister Sarah, who all gave me ideas for this project and continually reminded me of the importance of this work for families like ours. Special thank you to my friends Steve, Chris, Amorette, and Vinny, who all finished doctorates before me, for being my empathetic cheerleaders and occasional commiseration partners. And finally, I would not be here without the constant support of my husband Josh, who has helped me to achieve my dream of earning a Ph.D. and kept me grounded in the process, as well as our son Landon, whose unconditional love gives me the strength to keep going.

iv TABLE OF CONTENTS

ABSTRACT ...... vi

Chapter

1 INTRODUCTION ...... 1

2 METHODS ...... 29

3 NAVIGATING FAMILY PROCESSES ...... 46

4 NAVIGATING THE CONTEXTUAL ENVIRONMENT ...... 87

5 NAVIGATING AND NEGOTIATING SELF-CONSTRUCTION ...... 119

6 CONCLUSION ...... 167

REFERENCES ...... 180

Appendix

A PARTICIPANT INFORMATION ...... 199 B PARTICIPANT PARENT INFORMATION ...... 200 C PRE-INTERVIEW SURVEY ...... 201 D INTERVIEW GUIDE ...... 202 E IRB APPROVAL LETTER ...... 203

v ABSTRACT

Despite the burgeoning literature in transgender studies, we know surprisingly little about trans families, specifically adolescent and young adult children of trans people. It may be said that all members of a family with a transitioning person may be transitioning together, though little research examines these processes of navigation from the perspective of people with trans parents. To gain insights into transitioning families and fill a gap in the literature, the present study examines young adults’ experiences of navigation with their parents while one parent goes through gender transition. Utilizing analysis of in-depth, semi-structured interviews with 20 people with a trans parent, this project examines how participants navigate changing family processes, the social environment, and personal understandings of sex, gender, and sexualities throughout their parent’s gender transition. As social understandings of sex, gender, and sexualities continue to shift and expand beyond essentialist and binary assumptions, family formations predicated on these limited roles and categorizations will continue to change. To the extent that cisnormativity and heteronormativity are inherently challenged at the structural, interactional, and personal levels, these changes will not be without difficulty, confusion, and outright resistance. This study, which centers the experiences of those who have strong potential for support and allyship roles within and outside their own families, can be used to help develop dynamic support systems for a population—people with trans parents—that will very likely grow in the coming years.

vi Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION

Until recently, the matter of issues and rights for transgender1-identified people has remained largely hidden within dominant culture. However, visibility of the trans community has increased significantly over the past few years, allowing for increased public discourse and academic inquiry. Discussion and legislation regarding trans rights are becoming more prominent, especially over the last few years regarding public restroom use, military service, and workplace discrimination. Although societal trans acceptance appears to be increasing, trans people are still required to navigate a complicated system of gender legitimization to work through political, economic, and legal struggles. Given this shifting stance in popular culture, there has also been a recent increase in academic literature on trans studies. Despite this burgeoning literature, we know surprisingly little about trans families, specifically adolescent and young adult children of trans people. Researchers have begun to examine trans adults, their partners, and the nature of their intimate relationships (Hines, 2006; Lenning & Buist, 2013; Pfeffer, 2017), as well as trans kids and their parents (Meadow, 2018; A. Travers, 2018). Trans

1 I use the terms transgender and trans interchangeably as umbrella terms to describe individuals whose gender identity does not necessarily match the sex category to which they were assigned at birth (Schilt & Lagos, 2017, p. 427). Throughout the study, this term includes those who identify as gender nonconforming and nonbinary except where individuals specifically distinguish their gender nonconforming identity from a trans identity.

1 adults’ experiences as parents and the experiences of their children have recently begun to be the focus of academic inquiry as well (Hines, 2006; Pyne, 2012; Veldorale-Griffin, 2014; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016; White & Ettner, 2007), although most of the research on their children has been from the perspectives of parents and therapists, rather than the children themselves (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014). In order to further knowledge about the diversity and fluidity of gender identities and their impact on family structure, it is important to understand the ways cisnormativity, or a social order built on the expectation that individuals’ gender identities match the sex they are assigned at birth, is produced, maintained, and reproduced (Schilt & Lagos, 2017). The assumption that all people are and should be cisgender2 (Bauer et al., 2009; Serano, 2016) requires investigation at all levels of society, from institutional to interactional. Within the family, there is little current literature that examines how children of transitioning parents navigate and negotiate cisnormativity. While children who were born into trans families may have learned to both reproduce and challenge cisnormativity their whole lives, children who have a transitioning parent find the cisnomativity disrupted and newly challenged. Participants’ experiences with—and navigation of—cisnormativity at the individual, interactional, and social-structural levels emerge as a theme within the present study. It may be said that all members of a family with a transitioning person may be transitioning together (Pfeffer, 2017; Tabor, 2018), though little research examines

2 I use the terms cisgender and cis interchangeably to describe people whose gender identities match their sex assigned at birth. This term is preferred over terms such as “biological” man/woman or “non-transgender,” since their identities are unnamed or taken for granted, unlike the identities of their trans peers which are often marked and scrutinized (Pfeffer, 2017)

2 these processes of navigation from the perspective of people with trans parents. To gain insights into transitioning families and fill a gap in the literature, the present study examines adolescents’ and young adults’ past and current experiences of navigation and negotiation with their parents while one parent goes through gender transition. I use navigation and negotiation throughout the study as a way to describe and contextualize participants’ processes of internal understanding as well as the interactional situations through which they make decisions related to their experiences. Navigation describes how participants come to understand and make meanings of their experiences, their own and their parents’ identities, and gender, sexualities, and the family more broadly. Negotiation refers to interactional situations through which participants make decisions both independently and collaboratively with people inside and outside the family. Individuals with transitioning parents have the position of both participant and observer in their families, similar to an ethnographer who lives in the field they research. They observe their parent’s transition while experiencing how transition processes affect their own lives and experiences and the changes within their families. I have chosen to interview individuals who are currently young adults (ages 18-30), as they are likely to have learned of their trans parent’s identity during their teenage years or 20s. In this age group, participants’ own sense of gender and sexual identities are in the process of development, they are likely interested in or actively dating, and they experience interactions with both parents together and apart during their parent’s transition. In addition, I have elected to study the experiences of individuals whose parents stayed together through transition (or worked to do so for approximately two years before separating), as previous studies have shown difficulty in teasing out effects of

3 transition from effects of parental divorce or split (White & Ettner, 2007). However, given the lack of demographic data on parents who stay together through transition, as well as the stark differences in gender roles and identities in participants’ discussions of their trans and cis parents, I introduce the concept of gendered parental asymmetries. This describes asymmetries within sampling demographics and in participants’ understandings of family formation, including trans parents’ gender identities, gendered parental titles and roles, and the asymmetries between cis parents’ gender identities. Through this study, I explore participants’ conceptualizations of their parents’ and their own identities, as well as how and to what extent those conceptualizations are shaped by broader ideologies of gender and sexuality. As participants often envision themselves as becoming more compassionate and empathetic through their experience of their parent’s transition, I explore how this self-construction is also shaped by broader ideologies. I introduce the concept of cisnormative empathy, which emphasizes the importance of empathy among people with trans parents (and other close friends, family members, and allies) while offering a critique on—and describing potential dangers of—empathy that may reinforce rather than challenge cisnormativity.

GENDER AND SEXUALITY SOCIALIZATION Young children spend much of their time with their families, participating in cultural routines such as meals and playtime. During this time, they learn to explore and learn about their social world, which continues to expand through the introduction of school, peer groups, and other social groups outside of the family (Corsaro, 2011). Children learn to become functioning members of society through the continuous process of socialization, in which they adopt particular behavioral standards and

4 internalize values and norms (Damon, 2006; Handel, Cahill, & Elkin, 2007). The family’s role in socialization is both broad and critical, introducing children at an early age to social relationships, language, and initial social skills (Handel, 2006), which will shape their social interactions, belief systems, and relationships for the rest of their lives (Cooley, 1902; Mead, 1934). However, children are not merely passive beings shaped by their parents’ values and behaviors. Children provide valuable insight to families, as they help shape family dynamics in ways that are often ignored by family researchers (Crouter & Booth, 2003). Research shows that both children and parents play an active part in determining the nature of their interactions, a process which is bidirectional rather than unidirectional (Schaffer, 2006, p. 47). Socialization is a lifelong process, beginning with learning the ways of the family, then moving through expanding peer and social groups to learn the ways of society. School, employment, and other institutions provide space for continued socialization throughout the life course (Handel et al., 2007). This continued social development tends to build upon the earliest acquired social skills and knowledge, which is why socialization that occurs early in life—that is, during childhood—is referred to as primary, while later socialization is secondary (Handel et al., 2007, p. 3) Primary socialization typically has influence over later life (Cooley, 1902; Mead, 1934). While the family is not the only early socializing agent, the family is still involved in shaping children’s access to other agents of socialization. Children attend school based on location or the parent’s choice in where they want their children to go, as is the case for pre-school and private school. Parents generally act as the initiating force behind early peer groups by introducing them to peers (Corsaro, 2011). Parents also shape the structure of children’s lives, though differences in social class and access

5 to resources changes what this structure looks like (Lareau, 2003). As such, the family— particularly parents—plays an important role in the social development of children. Children’s earliest exposure to gender and sexuality socialization comes from their parents. From an early age, parents give them names, clothing, and toys associated with their genders, and expect different behaviors from boys and girls (Thorne, 1993). By age two or three, children have developed a gender identity (Kohlberg, 1966), and by age four or five, are able to use appearance to actively and intuitively read gender (C. L. Martin & Ruble, 2004), a process Julia Serano (2016) refers to as “gendering.” Parents interact differently with boys and girls, which leads to internalized understandings of social roles and expectations by gender (Kane, 2012). Parents are more likely to be tolerant of girls’ emotional vulnerability and focus on their social relationships, while boys are more likely to be allowed to take risks and express anger, but not allowed to show emotional vulnerability (Blakemore & Hill, 2008). These gendered differences in parenting influence and reproduce gendered difference in behavior expectations at school and in peer relationships as children get older (Martin, 1998; Thorne, 1993). Parents may assume and project heteronormative expectations onto their children as well, through which gender roles are tied to partnering. Fathers appear to be more flexible in accepting their daughters’ homosexuality but position themselves as their daughters’ protectors. Conversely, they feel accountable for their sons’ sexuality, and craft heterosexuality for them (Solebello & Elliott, 2011). In their discussions with young children, mothers often purposefully talk to their young children about falling in love, which they then link to heterosexual marriage (Martin, 2009). Children may internalize the notion that love is something that will happen to them rather than seeing

6 love as an abstract concept (Martin, 2009), and internalize the expectation of heterosexual love and marriage, which become life goals. However, mothers often have these discussions with their young sons and daughters differently. Often, mothers talk more with their young daughters about romantic relationships, reproductive bodies, and sexual morality than they do with their sons (Martin & Luke, 2010). African American mothers take a proactive approach to discussing sex with their sons while taking a more prohibitive approach with daughters (Fasula, Miller, & Wiener, 2008). These gendered differences may set the stage for discomfort or a gendered disparity in knowledge about these topics before and during adolescence. Many of these arguments are rooted in Chodorow’s (1978) classic psychoanalytic feminist theory, in which she argues that the development and reproduction of gender identity—which she describes as “masculine” and “feminine personalities”—arise from a nuclear family structure in which heterosexual female parents are primarily responsible for the mothering of children. She explains that girls develop close relationships with their mothers, which prepares them for private sphere life and encourages intimacy, while boys begin to identify with their fathers and distance themselves from their mothers, allowing them to prepare for public sphere life. Critics of Chodorow’s work consider it to only focus on white middle-class American families, which marginalizes non-traditional and queer family forms (Lorber et al., 1981; Rich, 1980; Rubin, 1984) and ignores Black and Latino family experiences (Moore, 2008; Segura & Pierce, 1993). Despite its limitations, Chodorow provides a useful theoretical framework to understand the development of gender identity within the family, as well as the connection between family, gender, and sexuality.

7 The literature on gender and sexual socialization, both classic and contemporary, demonstrates the significance and importance of family in the meanings children make in their daily lives as well as their understanding and internalization of gender and sexuality. These meanings and understandings shape their future interactions and relationships with others as well as their social and political beliefs and provide groundwork for future family-related decision-making. The present study places adolescent and young adult children of a trans parent at the center of inquiry in order to understand the impact of living in a trans family on perceptions and experiences of gender and sexuality.

TRANS FAMILIES Despite the development of queer family studies over the last few decades, in 2010, Biblarz and Savci noted that research on trans families was almost nonexistent. For trans people, family and friends may be an important source of support, although research indicates that many trans people continue to face rejection by their loved ones upon disclosing their trans identity or beginning a process of transition (James et al., 2016). For trans youth, having the support of their parents and other family members— especially those who are LGBTQ+ identified themselves, has a positive impact on their experiences of disclosure and expressing their identities (Robertson, 2019; A. Travers, 2018). In works centering trans people’s views of their intimate relationships, such as Sanger’s (2010) monograph entitled Trans People’s Partnerships and O’Keefe and Fox’s (2008) edited volume entitled Trans People in Love, central themes include negotiating identities not just as an individual but as a couple, while also experiencing

8 marginalization in trans communities, cis communities, and where each overlaps with queer communities (Pfeffer, 2017). A growing body of work, including research, documentaries, and popular media produced by and centering the experiences of significant others, friends, families, and allies (SOFFAs) of trans individuals provides insights into their perspectives of their trans loved one’s identity, their relationship, and their experiences navigating transition (See for example, Pfeffer, 2017; Tabor, 2018; Travers, 2018). This includes redefining their relationship with their trans parent or partner, as well as rethinking their own sexual identity and community identity as related to their trans partner (as some queer partnerships may be read by others as heterosexual, or vice versa). Thus, it may be said that families transition along with their trans loved one (Pfeffer, 2017).

Trans Parents Very little research directly focuses on trans parents. Rather, studies may include trans parents as part of a larger study on LGBT parents, or parenting as a small part of the research on trans people (e.g. Stotzer et al., 2014). The inclusion of bisexual and transgender rights has long been a point of debate within the lesbian and gay rights movement (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001) which argues that lumping the experiences of trans parents in with the rest of LGB parents is problematic. Transgender-parented families are rarely examined in research and, when they are, it is often a small part of the research. The United States Transgender Survey (James et al., 2016), which includes responses from 27,715 trans and gender nonconforming people in the United States, reports that about 18% or just under 5,000 respondents reported that they are parents.

9 While there is no data on how many people with at least one trans parent are currently living in the U.S., few studies with very small sample sizes estimate an average of two children per trans parent (Factor & Rothblum, 2007; Green, 1978; Stotzer, Herman, & Hasenbush, 2014). The USTS report (James et al., 2016) showed that 69% of the parents in their sample were out to at least one of their children. People who transition later in life are more likely to be parents than those that transition at younger ages (James et al., 2016; Pyne 2012), likely due to individuals becoming biological parents before identifying as trans (Stotzer, Herman, & Hasenbush, 2014). Research on trans parenting tends to either examine parents’ experiences, such as transphobia and discrimination, stress, disclosure and family transformation, and social service needs (J. B. Downing, 2013; Faccio, Bordin, & Cipolletta, 2013; Haines, Ajayi, & Boyd, 2014; Hines, 2006; Pyne, Bauer, & Bradley, 2015; Veldorale-Griffin, 2014; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016) or their children’s outcomes, including parent-child relationship, family functioning, and children’s development, adaptation, and adjustment (Faccio et al., 2013; Freedman, Tasker, & di Ceglie, 2002; R. Green, 1978, 1988; Veldorale-Griffin, 2014; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016; T. White & Ettner, 2007). Much of the discussion of transphobia, discrimination, and stress reflects findings of the greater trans community, where trans people experience disproportionate amounts of violence, housing and employment discrimination, and stress related to visibility (James et al., 2016). Trans parents’ experiences differ from cisgender lesbian and gay parents in that they often encounter various forms of transphobia, medical pathologization, and inadequate health care services (Downing, 2013). Early scholarship on trans families, such as studies by Green (1978, 1988), were focused on the developmental outcomes of

10 children with trans parents. At that time, transitioning parents were thought to be detrimental to the social and emotional well-being of their children (Green, 1988), and were encouraged to give up their parental rights (Freedman, Tasker, & Di Ceglie, 2002; Pyne, 2012). In legal proceedings, cis parents argued that children of trans parents would develop gender identity or sexual disorders, which went unsupported in findings in Green’s initial and follow-up studies. Additionally, Green’s (1988) findings suggest that a parent’s trans identity does not directly adversely impact children. Rather, he found that trans parents can remain effective as parents, with their children able to understand and empathize with them. Similar to findings on gay and lesbian parents (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001), it is not enough to say that there is “no difference” between trans and cis parents, but that children of trans parents may hold uniquely positive perspectives.

People with Trans Parents Research that focuses on the experiences of trans parents and their children has helped identify some common themes related to the transition itself, including disclosure and adaptation to various social shifts that occur during transition. Disclosure, or the discussion of when, where, and how to tell children is central to the trans narrative (Hines, 2006). While some trans parents tell their children in a specific conversation at first, others feel coming out as trans is a process that happens over time. Decisions regarding disclosure are also part of the child’s experience, as family members of queer people must decide whether to disclose their family member’s queer status (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001). However, when the trans parent is visibly gender variant or non-conforming, the child may have less agency to the timing and context in which they may disclose the trans identity of their parent (Downing, 2013).

11 All members of the family take part in the transition through various ways including linguistic shifts, perceiving visible changes, and introspectively examining gender and sexual identities (Hines, 2006; Pyne, 2012; Veldorale-Griffin, 2014). Family members may begin to examine and renegotiate their own perceptions of gender and sexuality. Most families expect that family members are cisgender, and the disclosure of a trans person challenges this notion (McGuire, Kuvalanka, Catalpa, & Toomey, 2016). While having a trans family member does not necessarily mean that the family will change or transform the meanings they hold regarding gender, or the gendered associations they have regarding their family members (McGuire et al., 2016), trans families negotiate the tensions between gender identity and sexuality through both implicit understandings of gender salience and explicit conversations (Zamboni, 2006). Parental transitions may be challenging for some children, as the roles of mother and father are deeply gendered in our culture (Pfeffer, 2017; Tabor, 2018). Some trans parents find that their children easily made the change between “dad” and “mom,” while others find it more difficult. Often, the parent had suggested that their child call them by their new first name or a nickname (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Hines, 2006; Pyne, 2012). Sometimes, children create new names altogether, like “Maddy” or “Maady,” which combines “mommy” and “daddy” or “mama” and “daddy” (Boylan, 2003; Pyne, 2012). In addition to the parental titles, however, families also have to reconceptualize their roles, boundaries, and meanings within the parent-child relationships, that can lead to feelings of ambiguity regarding both the gendered role of the parent and the relationship between parent and child. Tabor (2018) refers to this as role-relational ambiguity, which may cause stress for people with trans parents and requires careful negotiation.

12 Researchers agree that younger children tend to be more accepting and have an easier time adjusting to parental transition than adolescents and young adults (Faccio et al., 2013; T. White & Ettner, 2007). This may be because younger children are familiar with fairy tales and stories in which transformations are common, while adolescents are still developing sexually themselves (M. L. Brown & Rounsley, 1996). Although the bullying of their young or adolescent children may be a significant concern for trans parents (Haines et al., 2014; Pyne, 2012; Pyne et al., 2015) most studies on people with trans parents find that teasing and harassment by peers due to having a trans parent is relatively infrequent, or no moreso an issue than any other type of bullying (Freedman et al., 2002; R. Green, 1988; Stotzer et al., 2014). In the small sample of adult participants with trans parents in Veldorale-Griffin’s (2014) study, however, 33% (N=3) reported that they had experienced bullying from peers. However, with the proliferation of the internet and visibility of trans activists, adolescents and young adults now have more access and exposure to trans people and their experiences. The extent and impact of children and adolescents with trans parents’ experiences with stigmatization based on their parents’ gender identities depends on their unique social context, which includes how “out” and visibly trans their parent is, the degree to which their environments are LGBTQ+ affirming, and the strength of the parent-child relationship (J. B. Downing, 2013). With trans identity becoming more acceptable in our society, it is possible that more people with children will come out as trans, having not had the financial resources, emotional and material supports, access to care, or perception of safety to socially transition earlier in their lives. Disclosure of trans identity is noted as a stressful time for trans people, due to fear of harassment, discrimination, or familial rejection (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014).

13 Although there are no available statistics regarding relationship outcomes following disclosure, divorce appears to be common among parents when one partner transitions (Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016). While some studies discuss parental transition as similar to divorce in that it is a stressful event that causes conflict and can affect family functioning (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016; White & Ettner, 2007), no current study is able to glean effects of transition from effects of divorce in situations where both occur. However, positive relationships between parents during transition seem to be particularly important to the emotional well-being of the child. Trans parents stress amicability between ex-partners (Hines, 2006), and parents who develop healthier relationships between themselves are often better able to maintain healthier relationships with their children (White & Ettner, 2007). Trauma in children is not directly caused by the parent being trans, per se, but may be related to changes and challenges in family relationships and dynamics during transition (Faccio et al., 2013). Only recently have transgender-parented families begun to be the subjects of academic inquiry. In a heteronormative society, trans families are subject to and fear discrimination on both interpersonal and structural levels. Much of the extant literature focuses on parents’ experiences or the effects of transition on children. Current literature on trans-parented families rarely incorporates children’s perspectives. Noticeably absent is consideration of the ways in which children construct their experiences and the impact their parent’s transition has on their construction of gender and sexuality in terms of self-identity as well as more broadly. As trans parenting is an emerging area of study, understanding children’s perceptions and constructions may help to extend our

14 understandings of the many dimensions of trans family experiences and paint a more complete picture of their lives and needs.

Parents of Trans Youth The literature on parents of trans youth reveals that the main differences between parents of trans youth and people with trans parents are related to the expectations of each partner in the parent-child relationship. In the social order, parents (especially those who are middle class) are already aligned—if not expected—to be able to advocate for their children in various settings, including school, medical encounters, with extended family, and more (A. Travers, 2018). For example, parents may ask for gender-inclusive trainings and policy shifts in their children’s schools, advocate for the use of their child’s correct name and pronouns (especially if they differ from those assigned at birth) with their other family members as well as professionals, or even decide to avoid family members who do not accept their child’s gender nonconformity (Meadow, 2018; Robertson, 2019; A. Travers, 2018). However, in the parent-child relationship, there is much less opportunity for children to exercise power in this type of advocacy for their trans parent (although this may shift as adult children become their aging parents’ caregivers). People with trans parents, thus, are socially aligned to be supportive of their parents but have less power to do so in institutional settings. Yet, the support that they offer is central to the stories of many trans parents (Hines, 2006), and may be just as significant as parental support to some. In Veldorale-Griffin’s (2014) study of trans parents and their adult children, nearly half of the parents indicated that their children were their main source of support. One participant responded, “The two biggest factors for me were the unconditional love and support of my parents and the acceptance and

15 support from my son” (2014, p. 489). Regardless of how or when parents learn that their child is gender nonconforming, family acceptance is the most significant variable in determining mental health outcomes for trans youth (Olson, Durwood, Demeules, & Mclaughlin, 2016; Pyne, 2014; R. Travers et al., 2012).

Cis Partners of Trans People As noted by Pfeffer (2017, p. 14), research and writing on trans people’s romantic partnerships is mostly from the perspective of trans people, rather than their partners. Some research also exists from a clinical standpoint, focusing on the impact of disclosure as well as counseling techniques to assist couples navigating one partner’s transition (Buxton, 2006; Samons, 2009). The few studies and memoirs that center cis partners of trans people describe sexual identity renegotiation, navigating family formation and couple identities as well as the reactions of others upon disclosure of trans identity or intent to transition, and for those who identify as LGBTQ+, navigating identity within the broader queer community (N. R. Brown, 2009; J. Johnson & Garrison, 2015; Pfeffer, 2014, 2017). For families in which parents plan to stay together through one parent’s transition, their children also have to navigate their parents’ shifting understanding of their own identities and how they characterize those relationships. Although people with trans parents are unlikely to want to hear details about their parents’ sex lives and intimacy given the social boundaries placed on discussions of parental sex with their children (Afifi, Afifi, Morse, & Hamrick, 2008), they may make assumptions about their parents’ relationship based on their perceptions of affection and intimacy between their parents. These assumptions may lead individuals to characterize their parents’

16 relationship as worse off, generally unchanged, fundamentally changed but with positive outcomes, or even better through transition. Assumptions about their parents’ relationship may also affect how people with trans parents characterize the overall effects of transition on their family.

Family of Choice/Trans Community as Family LGBTQ+ people commonly cite families of choice, or those they consider family who are not related by blood or legal ties, as significant sources of support (Hines, 2007; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016). Dominant models of kinship do not allow for the blurring of kinship and friendship ties, yet families of choice (also called “fictive kin”) are present in the extended family definitions of immigrant families, Black families, and queer families (Berkowitz, 2009; Collins, 2000). One example of this may be found in the house/ball scene, where “houses” are family structures headed by a house “mother” and/or “father” that function to socialize “children” into the Black and Latinx queer community, as well as into norms of gender and sexuality both within the drag ball scene and in the broader heteronormative society (Bailey, 2013). As portrayed in the documentary Paris is Burning (Livingston, 1990) which focuses on the house/ball scene in Harlem in the 1980s, as well as the series Pose on FX (Murphy et al., 2018-), Black and Latinx gay and trans young adults who are disowned by their families find safety, family, and community within their houses and the larger ball scene. Trans house parents may help to guide their trans “children” through transition, as Bailey (2013) notes in his study of the house/ball scene in Detroit. The present study includes two participants who were adopted by trans parents as teenagers after being disowned by their birth parents due to their own LGBTQ+

17 identities and examines how having a trans parent may help trans youth navigate their own gender nonconformity. This has important implications for queer adoptive families, for whom policies and the ability to adopt are controversial and contested in the United States and many countries around the world (Cody et al., 2017).

LGBTQ+ Parents Research on LGBTQ+ parenting almost uniformly finds that gay and lesbian parents are as competent and effective as heterosexual parents in raising children, and that sexual orientation of parents does not seem to matter for the well-being of children (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Manning, Neal, & Lamidi, 2014; Reczek, Spiker, Liu, & Crosnoe, 2016). Compared to all other family forms, it appears that two committed, compatible parents are generally best for children, regardless of gender, marital status, sexual identity, or biogenetic status (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010). As the authors argue, much of the research on queer parenting, however, is based on the assumption that differences equal deficits, constraining the literature to comparing LGBTQ+ parenting to the heteronormative family form rather than examining potential benefits or theorizing differences when and where they exist (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). There are, however, some ways that the gender identity or sexual orientation of parents influences children, but these are not inherently harmful to the children or families. For example, children of gay parents may be less gender conforming, and children of lesbian mothers are more likely to be open to fluid sexuality (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). However, the lack of social norms associated with a LGBTQ+ identified parent’s coming out process that outline the roles and expectations for these families

18 and relationship may complicate navigation processes for all family members (R.-J. Green & Mitchell, 2008; Tabor, 2018). While some children of LGBTQ+ parents report bullying or stigmatization due to their parents’ gender or sexual identities which may impact their personal, family, and interpersonal lives (Robitaille & Saint-Jacques, 2009), research suggests that this is no more likely than any other type of stigmatization within this age group (Stotzer et al., 2014). However, children of LGBTQ+ parents’ exposure to homophobic and heterosexist social contexts may also make their lives more complex (Carroll, 2018; Gartrell, Deck, Rodas, Peyser, & Banks, 2005; Gillis, 1998; Robitaille & Saint-Jacques, 2009), although their ability to flourish despite these challenges suggests that the quality of parent-child relationships and family dynamics are more important than family composition (Titlestad & Pooley, 2014). LGBTQ+ parented households are similar to hetero-parented households in some ways but differ in others. The division of labor in lesbian and gay households, much like that of many heterosexual households (Hochschild, 1989), tends to be somewhat unequal rather than egalitarian, as modern families often like to describe their partnerships (Carrington, 1999). Lesbian and gay parents do get closer to egalitarianism than heterosexual parents, but rarely achieve parity (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010). Relationships within LGBTQ+ parented families are described as generally positive within the research (Tasker & Patterson, 2007), although it is important to note that historically, most research on LGBTQ+ parented families has disproportionately focused on lesbian parents, and rarely includes trans- or bisexual-parented families (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Moore & Stambolis-Ruhstorfer, 2013). Although few studies have addressed the perceptions of adult children of LGBTQ+ parents, those that do

19 suggest that they feel they are more tolerant, open-minded, and flexible about gender and sexuality in general (Abbie E. Goldberg, 2007), and individuals with LGBTQ+ parents may feel protective of their parents and the broader LGBTQ+ community (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). Both LGBTQ+ parents and their children may be subjected to the effects of homophobia in public. Just as their parents must make the decision if, how, when, and to whom to disclose their queer identity, they must also decide whether or not to come out about their queer family members, which forces the issue of visibility (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001). For children in school, this may result in balancing authentic presentations of their family with safety concerns (Tasker & Patterson, 2007). Children may choose not to share their parents’ sexual identities due to a fear of homophobic reactions or bullying, though research shows children of queer parents are no more likely to be bullied than are children in general (Tasker & Golombok, 1997; Tasker & Patterson, 2007). LGBTQ+ visibility takes on different tones within various racial and ethnic communities (Bennett & Battle, 2001; Bernstein & Reimann, 2001; Cantu, 2001). For example, in African-American communities, a family member’s LGBTQ+ identity may represent inadequacy of the parents or family as a whole within the community (Bennett & Battle, 2001). While early studies tended to describe LGBTQ+ families as disproportionately white, middle class, and educated, newer data shows that LGBTQ+ couples are diverse both socioeconomically and geographically, and that same-sex couples of color are more likely to be raising children than their white counterparts (Gates, 2013). Racial and ethnic expectations and understandings of gender and

20 parenthood as well as class standing may shape the division of labor within the household (Gabb, 2005; Lev, 2008; Moore, 2008). While LGBTQ+ families both challenge and reproduce heteronormative ideals through parenting styles and division of labor, they are still constrained by structural mechanisms that perpetuate homophobia. While LGBTQ+ parenting presents little to no negative effect on children and in many cases, has positive influence (Manning et al., 2014; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001; Titlestad & Pooley, 2014), the fear of homophobia still affects visibility and disclosure-related decision-making. However, most of the LGBTQ+ families literature focuses on gay and lesbian parenting, while little is known about families with parents who exist outside the traditionally masculine/feminine and homosexual/heterosexual binaries.

Existing Theories on Trans Families Trans family research has been a recent development within the relatively new field of trans studies. This body of literature is often rooted in queer theory, which developed out of gender and sexuality studies in the 1990s as a challenge to the finite and defined categories of identity. For instance, in her book Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity, Judith Butler (1990) problematized the concreteness of identity by deconstructing the category of “woman” as stable and well-defined through the idea that society constructs requirements for identity, then people come to reflect those requirements. The existing feminist movement, she argued, was limited in its binary definition of gender categories. Gender is fluid, shifting and changing throughout time and context. Queer theory also includes a deconstruction of heteronormativity, or the implicit value system that normalizes the ideas and practice of heterosexuality.

21 Heteronormativity institutes binaries not only for gender, but for sexuality and family as well. Trans theory and politics, which also developed throughout the 1990s, was largely influenced by both queer theory and intersectionality (Beemyn, 2013; Serano, 2016). Trans feminist theory challenges the existing categories of “man” and “woman” to reflect their deconstruction through rejection of a common universal experience of gender, while also recognizing the multiple forms of sexism that exist. Intersectionality, a term coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw (1991), is a concept used to articulate the ways in which multiple forms of oppression intersect and compound each other. The racism people of color experience is gendered, and the sexism people of color experience is raced. Trans feminism acknowledges that there are multiple forms of marginalization that compound with multiple forms of sexism, such as those that privilege men over women, straight people over queer people, cis individuals over trans individuals, masculine gender expression over feminine gender expression, etc. (Serano, 2016). Trans feminism also focuses on the impact of institutional cissexism, or the ways cisgender people and experiences are privileged, while trans people and experiences are viewed as less legitimate (Serano, 2016). Cisgender practices uphold gender ideology by strengthening the assumed natural association between men and masculinities as well as women and femininities. Just as trans people have been historically excluded from women’s and gay rights movements and spaces (Namaste, 2000; Serano, 2016), trans feminism has been resisted by a subset of feminists who feel trans inclusion could potentially undermine feminist theory and ideology (R. Green, 2006). Trans exclusion from feminism is often associated with earlier writings of feminist Janice Raymond, whose 1979 book, The Transsexual Empire: The Making of the She-male, posits trans

22 people as lacking feminist consciousness, re-inscribing patriarchal gender roles, and suffering from mental illness. While much of this trans exclusion is based on assertions of the illegitimacy of trans women as women and an essentialist view of gender identity, it continues to be a cornerstone for feminists—now often referred to as Trans- Exclusionary Radical Feminists or TERFs—who wish to challenge trans identity and trans people’s place within feminism. The growth of trans feminist scholarship has allowed for the theorizing of both youth and adult trans experiences in school, work, relationships, and families. Transfamily theory, developed by McGuire and colleagues (2016) as an extension of queering processes—acts and ideas that resist heteronormativity by challenging gender, sexuality, and/or family binaries (Oswald, Blume, & Marks, 2005, p. 146)—addresses how having a trans family member challenges gender processes and development within families. While transfamily theory exposes the nature of both sex and gender as challenging binary definitions, it also challenges the notion that gender expression and identity are purely social. Instead, McGuire and colleagues turn to studies that suggest there is some evidence for biological influence in addition to social influence on identity (e.g., de Vries, Kreukels, Steensma, & McGuire, 2014). There is a developing line of research that suggests gender variance in very early childhood is indicative of biological influence on gender identity, which would have important implications for how natural and social scientists alike define, categorize, and treat gender identity in research. Transfamily theory further explains that even if there is a biological contribution to gender identity and expression, gender variance may emerge at any point in the lifespan, and not just in early childhood.

23 Similarly, biologist and trans writer/activist Julia Serano (2016) criticizes sociological—especially social constructionist—explanations of trans lives and experiences for not including or simply disregarding what she calls “subconscious sex,” which she feels is a cornerstone to trans individuals’ understanding of their own sex. She describes subconscious sex as an inexplicable self-understanding of the sex they belong to or should be, and often drives trans people toward transitioning. Subconscious sex might also be described through proprioception, or the “primary but unlocatable ‘felt sense’” (Salamon, 2010) through which people experience and understand their bodies. Critics of queer theory argue that its goal, which is to deconstruct existing gender categorization, appropriates transgender experiences to make arguments for the construction and deconstruction of gender categorization, while at the same time erasing trans perspectives on gender (Namaste, 2000; Serano, 2016). Prosser (1998) explains how queer theorists often dismiss trans variant individuals’ experiences of identifying and living within the other gender, as they undermine the argument that gender is learned and performed. Transfamily theory is useful in understanding findings from the present study, as it identifies the complex nature of trans family processes along gender, sexuality, and family construction. Furthermore, it explains that the negotiation of gender in families with a trans member may lead cis family members to more thoroughly examine their own gender, sexuality, and the roles they hold within the family (McGuire et al., 2016). While some research has begun to investigate the impact of transition on cis partners’ identity formation (Brown, 2009; Pfeffer, 2014), few studies have examined the process through which children negotiate transition and its effect on the ways they construct meaning in their lives.

RESEARCH QUESTIONS AND THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK The purpose of this study is not to discuss transgender parenting methods or experiences, nor is it to add to the discussion on trans etiology or social construction of trans identities. Rather, I wish to expand the current knowledge around transgender families by focusing on young adults who could potentially act as part of a support system for their trans parents while at the same time being socially subordinate in the family structure. Through this study, I examine how young adults make sense of their experiences by examining the processes through which they construct meanings of gender, sexuality, and the family. I am interested in the role that having a transitioning parent plays in the lives of young adults as they navigate and conceptualize their own and others’ experiences of gender and sexuality. In addition, I examine the relationship between these experiences and the greater visibility of trans people in mass and social media. This project is well suited to make contributions to debates in scholarship on gender, sexualities, and the family. Using the family as a tool for critical inquiry, I examine the meanings people with trans parents attribute to their selves, families, and the broader trans community. Although there is considerable debate regarding the etiology of trans identity—whether it is social, biological, or some combination of both (A. L. C. de Vries et al., 2014; McGuire et al., 2016; Serano, 2016)—I am less interested in why participants believe their parents are trans, and more interested in how they navigate the changes they and their family go through when a parent discloses trans identity and/or begins transition given their understandings of their relationships with

25 their parent and other family members, their assumptions about the gender and sexual identities of both parents, as well as beliefs about gender and sexualities as situated in broader ideologies. Symbolic interactionists have argued that all social actors use shared meanings to navigate interactions and social experiences, and these meanings constantly undergo negotiation and reformulation through a filtering process (Goffman, 1959; Mead, 1934). This project focuses on the filtering processes used by people with trans parents as they navigate their parent’s transition. For some, their navigation is heavily influenced by their personal experiences with gender/sexual diversity and trans identities, including their own or those of close friends. For these participants, having a frame of reference from which to understand the changes in their parent and family may make the process run more smoothly, though not without complexities given the cisnormative social context in which they live. For other participants, their trans parent is their first entree into understandings of gender diversity, so their frame of reference is much more limited, so they may be more likely to generalize their knowledge of trans identities and issues based on their experience with their parent. All participants, however, have to contend with the process of accountability for normatively “doing gender” (West & Zimmerman, 1987), which constrains their negotiation processes as their parent transitions. These processes, which may be challenged within the family and household situation—such as when participants and their trans women parents decide to continue using the gendered parenting title “Dad”—may create a confusing or even unsafe situation for their parent when used in public. As people with trans parents are not well represented in literature beyond examining specific outcomes (and often not in their own voices), their perspectives offer

26 a unique vantage point on the study of LGBTQ+ families and children of trans parents. Thus, the questions that motivate this research are: 1. How do adolescents and young adults perceive, construct, and understand their experiences with a trans parent who has stayed with their partner through transition? 2. How have adolescents’ and young adults’ unique family experiences affected their broader conceptualizations of gender, sexuality, family, and the self? How have their understandings of gender and sexual diversity affected their experiences navigating their trans parent’s disclosure and transition? As a social constructionist, I am interested in how adolescents and young adults experience having a transitioning parent, but also how they interpret those experiences, the meanings they create, and the process by which they create those meanings. I understand that the narratives participants create are constructions, rather than a window to their exact experiences (Charmaz, 2006; Pugh, 2013; Silverman, 2013). Rather than attempting to analyze trans parents’ lives and identities through their children, I am interested in participants’ constructions of their own experiences and the process through which they create these constructions. This includes perceptions of their parents, how those perceptions are shaped by broader ideologies of gender, sexuality, and family, and how their lives with trans parents shape their own identities and understandings.

THE PRESENT STUDY In this study, I explore the navigation and negotiation techniques of people with trans parents, as well as the meanings they make regarding their parents, families, and

27 broader understandings of gender and sexualities. In chapter 2, I describe my methods, which are conducive to the inductive techniques I undertake in answering my research questions. In chapter 3, I focus on how participants perceive and navigate the effects of parental gender transition both personally and with their families, with an understanding that these experiences are inextricably tied to their understandings of gender and sexualities. In chapter 4, I explore participants’ experiences navigating their parent’s transition within a cisnormative social environment. In chapter 5, I describe the roles of love, support, and empathy in how participants make meanings of their experiences and the impact having a trans parent has on their self-construction and identities. In the final chapter, I conclude my study with a discussion on contributions to literature in gender, sexuality, and family studies, as well as policy implications with a focus on those related to gender diversity in education and LGBTQ+ parent adoptions. I then suggest directions for future study to increase the breadth of knowledge about trans-parented families and people with trans parents.

28 Chapter 2

METHODS

The process of creating meanings, as well as definitions and personal understandings of gender and sexuality, are complex and often difficult to articulate. Thus, I chose to complete semi-structured, in-depth interviews with individuals who have at least one transgender parent, in order to learn what they perceive as well as their interpretations of these perceptions (Weiss, 1994) regarding their experiences navigating their parent’s disclosure of trans identity and transition. Participation was limited to individuals ages 18-30 who were at least 10 years old when their parent began transitioning, and whose parents have stayed together thus far. Two participants whose parents recently split were included in the study, as their parents had initially planned to stay together through one parent’s transition, and did so for approximately two years after their trans parent’s initial disclosure of trans identity. Previous research indicates that younger children have an easier time understanding and accepting transition, which has been attributed to their familiarity with transition in cartoons and fairy tales, while adolescents are in the midst of sexual development (M. L. Brown & Rounsley, 1996; Faccio et al., 2013; T. White & Ettner, 2007). Restricting participants to this age range allowed me to examine the experiences of participants who were adolescents or young adults when their parent disclosed their trans identity to them and/or began transition, giving this experience close proximity to their own sexual development (M. L. Brown & Rounsley, 1996; Faccio et al., 2013). Previous research also indicates that many couples separate or divorce when one partner transitions and that it is difficult to tease out the effects of divorce from those of transition (Veldorale-

29 Griffin, 2014; T. White & Ettner, 2007), so this sample attempts to take immediate simultaneous divorce or separation out of the equation. Other than age and timing requirements, I left participant criteria fairly open in order to allow for a broad range of definitions of family, partnerships, and transition. While I use the term “parents” to explain the relationship between participant and trans individual/partner in their lives, this includes biological parents, adoptive parents, step- parents, legal guardians, or long-term partners of legal parents/guardians. Many modern queer families are constructed outside of the traditional nuclear family (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001), and I am primarily interested in intact guardian relationships rather than a pre-conceived notion of what those relationships look like. In addition, I did not require any legally-binding relationship, as many modern parents are choosing to forego legal marriage or were until recently legally prevented from doing so (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001). For trans individuals, no two transitions are the same. I used a broad definition of “transition,” and I do not assume that it has an exact start or end. For some, transition is a life-long process while individuals continue to negotiate personal, social, and political identities (Roen, 2001b). While many trans people do stay within the male- female (or man-woman) binary, some individuals may transition toward a non-binary or genderqueer identity. As such, and to avoid categorizing trans people as either binary or non-binary (Roen, 2001a), I define transition as a movement away from assigned sex at birth, where the assigned sex is based on the appearance of genitalia (Serano, 2016). I define the “starting point” as the time where the participant first became aware of their parent’s transition, either through disclosure or personal realization. As the purpose of this study is to explore the participant’s experiences and constructions, the participant’s

30 definition of a “starting point” is helpful in understanding the meanings they give to the transition itself. Recruitment Given the specificity of my recruitment requirements, but also knowing I would not have funding for language translation, I wanted to disseminate my call for participants widely. I chose to focus on populations in the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Australia, given their relatively similar laws related to same-sex marriage and gender transition. Australia voted to legalize same-sex marriage shortly before I began recruitment (Karp, 2017), and each of the countries’ current laws and policies allow for married couples to stay married when one partner transitions, with the exception of Northern Ireland (Government of Canada, 2018; Lambda Legal, 2015; The National Archives, 2014). To begin my recruitment, I contacted COLAGE, the only organization that specifically focuses on supporting people with LGBTQ+ parents. COLAGE posted my call for participants and my recruitment flyer on their Facebook and Twitter, referring to me as both a COLAGEr (term for people with LGBTQ+ parents) and a researcher. I also posted in COLAGE’s Facebook group dedicated to people with trans parents, of which I was already a member. In addition to COLAGE, I contacted LGBTQ+ serving organizations as well as organizations and agencies that specifically serve trans people and their families via e-mail, social media private message, and phone, requesting that they post my recruitment poster in their clinic and/or office, on their social media, and in online newsletters and listservs. I also contacted groups on Facebook and Reddit that appeared to be geared toward supporting partners, family members, friends, and allies of trans people, and attended a conference geared toward trans people, their families

31 and those who support trans people personally and professionally. In all, I contacted over 350 different groups, agencies, and organizations. In these requests, I included a brief overview of my interest in this project due to my own experience having a trans parent, and where possible or when requested, I attached my IRB-approved informed consent and IRB approval letter. Some groups allowed me to post directly, while most agreed to post my materials themselves. I later found out that some organizations and groups disseminated my recruitment materials without letting me know they had done so, so I do not have a final figure of how many groups and organizations disseminated my call for participants. A few agencies said they have policies in place to disallow outside researchers to post their materials, as LGBTQ+ and trans-serving centers are often overwhelmed with research requests. I wrote a guest blog post for www.transpartners.com, a website maintained by a trans woman and cis woman duo who were once in a relationship but stayed close friends after splitting up. For this post, I gave a short overview of my own experiences having a trans parent who stayed married to my mother and how that led me to this project. Additionally, I directly reached out to a few individuals who had posted in public forums about having a trans parent, or that they were a trans parent who had stayed with the same partner through transition and also had children in the age range of the study. Although some of my participants saw my recruitment materials directly, most learned about them through one or both of their parents. This does have implications for the sample, as it largely restricts participation to individuals who communicate with their parent(s). Research indicates that many trans individuals (including parents) have at least one family member who stopped speaking to them or spends less time with them upon learning about their trans parent’s identity (James et al., 2016). As I am interested

32 in the detailed experiences of young adults who navigate their parent’s transition, including individuals who no longer have contact with their trans parents would be outside of the purview of the current project. However, it is possible that recruitment techniques as well as the focus on individuals who continue to have contact/relationships with their trans parent might be more likely to have positive overall outlooks of their parent’s transition and family functioning than their non-contact counterparts.

The Sample The study sample includes 20 participants ages 18-30 (average age of 21.4) from the U.S., Canada, the UK, and Australia. The sample includes one sibling pair, meaning participants have 19 unique sets of parents. Of the participants, 18 identify as white with white parents. One participant identifies as bi-racial white and indigenous with a bi- racial white and indigenous trans parent and indigenous cis parent, and one participant identifies as Black with white (adoptive) parents. Participants learned of their parent’s trans identity between ages 10 and 27, with an average age of 18.7. Demographic information collected suggests that most participants’ families are working or middle- class. Although most participants indicate that they lived with their parents for at least some time during or after learning their parent is trans, some participants were already living away from home. Some participants acknowledge that living away or spending time away from home (for instance, while away at college) allows them to compartmentalize their parent’s transition and have greater agency over how and when they have to actively navigate the changes in their family forms and functioning. The more time a participant spends living with or visiting their parents, the more

33 opportunities they have to navigate and negotiate changes and processes that occur both within and outside the home. All aspects of a sample shape data and analysis, and this study is no exception. Although I do not claim my results to be representative of all people with trans parents, or even all people with parents who have stayed together through transition, through this study I identify patterns among participants that both support and expand upon prior research on trans families (such as Hines, 2007; Norwood, 2013; Tabor, 2018; Veldorale-Griffin, 2014), and identify new patterns that should be studied further, such as the navigation of relationships between trans parents and trans children (discussed in Chapter 5). Additionally nearly all participants’ parents being white (with the exception of one bi-racial parent) may have shaped data, as transphobia often intersects with racism to create disproportionate rates of violence, discrimination, and experiences with the underground economy among trans people of color (James et al., 2016). Of the participants, 12 identify as cis women, 3 identify as cis men (although one indicated he is now questioning his gender identity), and five identify on the trans spectrum. Seven participants identified as exclusively straight, three identified as “mostly” straight or straight/questioning. The remaining 10 participants identify under the LGBQ+ umbrella. Each participant’s pseudonym, sexual orientation, gender identity, pronouns, current age, and the age when they learned their parent is trans can be found in Appendix A. Sixty-five percent of participants fall somewhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, given that “questioning” is often included within the LGBTQ+ acronym due to the importance of questioning/exploring gender and sexual identity (for more, see https://pflag.org/blog/about-q; Robertson, 2019). Such a large proportion of LGBTQ+

34 participants overall is likely a result of recruiting techniques, which were largely through queer online communities and LGBTQ+ serving organizations and agencies. Given that participation is entirely self-selection, it is possible that of trans parents’ children, those who identify with the LGBTQ+ community might be more likely than their cisgender/straight counterparts to discuss navigating their parents’ gender and sexual identities, as those who identify as LGBTQ+ have also gone (or are going) through the process of navigating their own. Additionally, it is possible that people who identify with the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to have overall positive and supportive perceptions and understandings of their trans parent and family than their cisgender/straight counterparts. Although this could be considered a selection bias or limitation, I suggest that the large proportion of positive outlooks and thriving families described by participants within this study runs counter to cisnormative assumptions that a parent’s gender transition is inherently disruptive to families (for further discussion on this point, see Chapter 3). Thus, this study highlights the potential importance of LGBTQ+ children to queering processes (Oswald et al., 2005) in trans- parent families. Of participants’ trans parents (19 total as to not double the sibling pair’s responses), participants report that 12 identify as women, three identify as men, and two identify as nonbinary. One participant did not articulate her parent’s gender identity, though she said her dad (assigned male at birth) identified as trans but continued to use he/him pronouns as of the interview date. One additional participant did not give a specific gender identity for her dad (assigned male at birth) but explained that her dad’s “understanding of gender identity has changed.” Of participants’ cis parents, 18 identify as women, and one identifies as a man. A chart which includes participants’ parents’

35 gender identity, parental title, pronouns, and cis parent’s gender identity can be found in Appendix B. I did not include parents’ sexual identities, as a majority of participants could not articulate one or both parents’ sexual identity labels with confidence. The reported gender and sexual identities of participants’ parents and partnerships likely shaped the data, and are certainly a factor in analysis, as seen through the gendered parental asymmetries discussed in Chapters 3, 4, and 6. Most participants’ cis parents identify as women, so their parental relationships either went from appearing straight to appearing lesbian or vice versa. While these changes are discussed extensively in literature on trans people’s partnerships (See for example: Johnson & Garrison, 2015; McGuire, Kuvalanka, Catalpa, & Toomey, 2016; Pfeffer, 2014; Sanger, 2010; Theron & Collier, 2013), my research is more focused on participants’ understanding of shifting identities and desires of their parents and the impact on their own understanding of identity. The difference in how their parents are “read” by others may be less impactful to their lives than it might be for younger children whose parents are expected to be actively involved in school and social life, and who spend more time in public with their parents than without. With a dearth of current literature on people with trans parents I chose to discuss patterns within the sample itself, rather than attempt to create comparison groups within the sample. Given the amount of recent research including other SOFFA groups, such as trans people’s partners and parents of trans children (See for example, Meadow, 2018; Norwood, 2013; Pfeffer, 2017; A. Travers, 2018; R. Travers et al., 2012), my findings are situated within—and compared to (See Pfeffer, 2018, p. 309)—the broader literature of SOFFAs. Additionally, the uneven distribution of trans parent gender identities may have shaped data, given that nearly two-thirds of participants have a trans woman parent.

36 Discussion of differences among participants’ experiences and understandings based on their trans parent’s gender are discussed in Chapters 3 and 5. However, in many cases, participants describe many similar experiences and processes of negotiation regardless of their trans parent’s gender identity. While gender roles certainly shape participant experiences, analysis reveals that participants’ experiences appear to be more of a reflection of navigating cisnormativity and changing family process. Future research might expand upon categorical comparisons and further explore similarities and differences between trans-cis parent pairings. At the end of each interview, I requested that participants pass along my flyer and/or recruitment information to any siblings within the eligibility requirements. Although most participants had at least one sibling that fit within the parameters (which was extended through IRB approval to ages 15-30 to accommodate siblings and potential younger participants, although in the final sample no participants were under 18), only one participant’s sibling agreed to take part in the study. Although two participants’ siblings reached out to me via e-mail, they stopped responding to communication prior to setting up an interview. As most participants positioned themselves as either having an easier time with their parent’s transition and/or being more open to communication more generally than their sibling(s), it is possible that these factors shaped both recruitment and data. In Chapter 3, I discuss participants’ observations and experiences with their siblings and the implications for family-related support during a parent’s transition. Given the specificity of participant experiences—having a trans parent who has (or worked to) stay with the same partner through transition, is currently between ages 18 and 30 and was at least 10 years old when they learned of their parent’s trans status—

37 I expected to have a relatively small sample. As less variation and greater heterogeneity within the sample leads to saturation more quickly (Compton, 2018, p. 196), after 20 interviews (while reviewing and analyzing notes and transcripts throughout the interview process), I felt that I was no longer learning anything substantially new from participants. As many of the current standards for qualitative research design, such as a 30-interview minimum, are set through the privileging of quantitative standards (Compton, 2018), I have chosen to follow the lead of queer researchers and researchers of queer family formations who show significant and impactful results from similarly- sized samples such as Garrison (2018), Vaccaro (2010), and Clarke and Demetriou (2016).

Interviews and the Analytical Process Once a potential participant contacted me, I asked questions to verify their eligibility based on the parameters stated above. Given the specificity of this sample, participants were not included or excluded based on their own or their parents’ gender or sexual identity, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, religion, or ability. All interviews were completed via phone or video conference (Skype, FaceTime, and Google Hangouts), according to the participant’s preference. No participants lived close enough to my location to meet in person. Interviews lasted between one and three hours, with an average of 100 minutes. Phone interviews were recorded using the “TapeACall” secure recording application, and video conference interviews were recorded using the iPhone application “Tape Recorder.” Each participant was asked to review and sign the informed consent form prior to the interview, which they returned to me electronically. Additionally, participants completed a one-page pre-interview survey with

38 demographics and other pertinent information related to their experience and eligibility, such as age at the time they learned their parent is trans, gender identities of both parents, and number of siblings (See Appendix C). At the start of the interview, I asked participants if they had any questions regarding either form, and followed up with any questions I had regarding their responses on the pre-interview survey. Interviews followed a semi-structured format. I used my interview question list (see Appendix D) as a guide, leaving room for additional probing when necessary (Charmaz, 2006, p. 30-31; Roulston, 2010). Upon the completion of each interview, I wrote additional notes about anything that might have not come across in the recording, such as participant demeanor, facial expression and body language, initial thoughts, and general observations. I typed up these memos for inclusion in analysis. Upon conclusion of the interviews, I sent participants a $10 gift card to Amazon.com (or for international participants a $10 US-equivalent gift card to the website of their choice). In the memo for each gift card, I wrote, “Thank you for your participation!” with no further indication of what exactly they participated in. In order to complete my dissertation, I received a Summer Dissertation Fellowship from the University of Delaware Office of Graduate and Professional Education. These funds went toward participants’ gift cards and interview transcription services. All recordings were professionally transcribed in multiple waves so that I could begin active analysis while continuing to complete interviews (Charmaz, 2006). Upon receiving the transcripts, I reviewed them, corrected minor discrepancies and added in additional laughter and pauses not included by transcribers, changed all participant, sibling, friend, and parent names and anonymized all other identifying information. I loaded all transcripts, pre-interview surveys, and additional memos into

39 NVivo 11 for Mac for analysis (which I upgraded to NVivo 12 later in the analysis process). As a largely inductive study using in-depth interviews, I used grounded theory (Charmaz 2006) as the basis for my analysis, which I modified with narrative thematic analysis (Riessman, 2008). As participant narratives were often connected in complex ways throughout the interview, I felt it was necessary to use narrative thematic analysis to further examine the themes I generated through the data. Using NVivo software, I employed qualitative coding techniques to identify patterns in participants’ answers. Initially, I did line-by-line coding, using some in vivo coding when specific language used by participants was important to the concept (e.g. “empathy” and “call her dad”), while making additional and overlapping codes for longer narratives that I also interpreted as a whole (Riessman, 2008). I used color coding for both types of codes (one color for line-by-line and a different one for narrative), so that I could separate and/or compare them as needed. After initial coding, I completed axial coding based on patterns that began to emerge from the line-by-line coding and compared these to the narrative coding completed during the first round. Focusing on the similar themes generated through both coding systems, I wrote memos by hand in a notebook designated for this study from which I completed my analysis.

Statement of Reflexivity In February 2010, my stepmother (then my stepfather) took me out for dinner and told me that she had already started hormones and planned to continue her transition in the coming months. As she had married my mother when I was three years old, she had been my parent as long as I could remember, and like most members of my family,

40 I had never seen any indication that she might be trans. One of the first questions I asked was whether she and my mother planned to stay together, and she told me that although it took a little while for my mother to come to terms with the changes in their lives and relationship, they were planning to stay together. Coincidentally, and one of the reasons my stepmother chose to tell me when she did, I had recently completed a group project in one of my graduate social work courses on trans people, and had difficulty finding much research on partners and family members of trans people, which has also been noted by other researchers in the area at that time (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Pfeffer, 2017). My own navigation of my stepmother’s transition, my experiences talking to her and my siblings about the transition period, and the lack of available research led me to this project. When discussing trans lives with cisgender people—even when those people claim to support the transitions and experiences of their trans friends and family—there is always the potential for cis privilege. Cis privilege refers to the unearned advantages received by people whose bodies and gender identities align (J. R. Johnson, 2013). This allows for the pathologization of trans experiences as well as the privileging of cisgender interpretations of (and over) trans experiences. Throughout this study, I found myself having to constantly assess cis privilege and use it as a frame for analysis. Although half of my sample—and myself—identify as LGBQ+, I could not assume that a queer sexual identity creates automatic acceptance and understanding of trans issues (especially given the history of trans exclusion from gay/lesbian spaces, see Serano, 2016 for an important discussion on this issue). As a cis researcher with mostly cis participants, I needed to take the necessary steps to ensure that this project is not just another cis view of trans lives, but rather a discussion on how having a trans parent may

41 affect participants’ experiences, internalizations, and general understandings of sexuality and gender identity. Throughout data collection, I saw pieces of my own story reflected in the experiences of some participants, while others’ differed sharply. In my notes, I made sure to reflect on some of these similarities and differences so I could be aware of them and also notice my personal connections and disconnections to the data and participants (Pfeffer, 2018, p. 305). I also took notes on nonverbal cues in both video and phone interviews such as facial expressions or tones of voice that might indicate emotions and reactions that could not be included in transcription. Additionally, I kept notes on the potential influences of myself as researcher on the data I collected. For example, in one of my early interviews, one participant used “he” pronouns to refer to their trans woman parent. Later in the interview, they asked me about my own experiences having a trans parent, for whom I exclusively use she/her pronouns. After that, I noticed this participant becoming somewhat uncomfortable in their use of pronouns for their parent, hesitating or correcting themselves during pronoun use. When reflecting on this particular interview, I found myself also having to negotiate between two competing interests: Interacting with participants in ways that do not alienate them by undermining their experiences and interpretations while also navigating my own experiences. In the end, I do not believe there is a “correct” choice to be made during these types of discrepancies. It is important, however, that I acknowledge how my own experiences impact the topic and scope of my research, the topics I have chosen to analyze, as well as the potential effects on the participants themselves (Pillow, 2003). The reality is that I am personally invested in this project, as it was born of my own experiences and the realization that there is little research or

42 support focused on people with situations similar to my own. I come to this project from a place of love and support that I have for my own trans family members and friends and a commitment to justice for the trans and queer community. Therefore, I cannot be disconnected from my research or the participants, and I do not claim to uphold objectivity, detachment, or neutrality (Pfeffer, 2018) as ideal. I do, however, make commitments to holding myself accountable for the decisions I have made in my research design and analysis. One analytical choice that I made, and found myself having to continually evaluate, is that I wanted to understand the meanings participants make regarding their navigation of their parents’ transition, and not to try to theorize about their parents’ experiences through the stories of their children. Thus, my interview questions were not geared toward trying to find the “truth” about how events may have actually happened, but more how participants interpreted events and the understandings they had about them. It is possible, however, that the beliefs participants held about research, such as assumptions that the purpose of research is to look for objective truth (Acker, Barry, & Esseveld, 1991), also shaped the data. As participants often apologized for not remembering specific details about events or experiences, I found myself reassuring them that it was okay, as I was more interested in how they interpreted what they remembered and/or felt was important. Given the delicate and potentially difficult nature of my research questions, I wanted to ensure that participants were aware that I also have a trans parent. Most participants knew that I have a trans parent before the start of the interview, whether they saw a post, letter, or the guest blog submission which accompanied my flyer stating my status as a person with a trans parent that lead to my interest in the present study. A

43 few participants said that they had seen the flyer without any additional material, however, most of them indicated that they had either assumed I had a trans parent before or early into the interview process. I was open about my experiences with my parents with participants. For each interview, I asked before and after whether participants had any questions, and most asked me about my own experiences with my parent’s disclosure, my navigation process including difficulties I experienced, and my perceptions of my siblings’ experiences, toward the end. As research indicates that there can be benefits to concordance among racial/ethnic or gender identities (Fryer et al., 2016; Johnson-Bailey, 1999), I believed that having what I refer to as situational concordance would create a level of comfort for participants, especially those who have had little or no contact with other people with trans parents outside their own families. Similar to the findings from research on identity-based concordance (Fryer et al., 2016; Johnson-Bailey, 1999), while many participants indicated that they felt more comfortable talking to me knowing I also have a trans parent, it is possible some participants assumed that I had similar individual experiences, and might have been less likely to give detailed explanations with or without additional probing. Although I have four younger siblings by my mom and stepmom who all meet the recruitment parameters (two were 11 at the time of disclosure and two were 18), I opted not to include them in the study. One sibling noted anxiety at the thought of this particular interview with me, which I did not want to exasperate. Additionally, I went into recruitment with no personal relationships with any of the participants’ parents thus allowing me to focus on participants’ constructions of their experiences without the bias of prior knowledge of their parents’ personalities or family dynamics. I did

44 not feel that I would be able to separate the knowledge of my parents’ relationships with my siblings from the data I collected from them. Previous conversations with my siblings and the differences in experiences we had given our ages, personal identity development, and other factors, shaped my interest in this project.

45 Chapter 3

NAVIGATING FAMILY PROCESSES

Nearly a decade since Biblarz and Savci (2010) declared research on trans people and their families was “virtually non-existent” (p. 489), few studies within the emerging field of trans families literature focus specifically on people with trans parents.

Early research on people with trans parents, such as that by Green (1988), Freedman,

Tasker, and di Ceglie (2002), and White and Ettner (2007) largely focus on whether or not having a trans parent is detrimental to their children’s social, emotional, and gender identity development, or the relationship between parent and child. Similar to the research on children of sexually diverse parents (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001), findings from this early research on children of trans parents overwhelmingly reveals that children of trans parents are not inherently disadvantaged. However, each of these studies relies on the hierarchical model that implies differences in parenting indicate deficits (Stacey and

Biblarz 2001), preventing them from exploring the unique effects and outcomes of navigating a parent’s transition. Additionally, these early studies rely on data collected from therapists and parents rather than the children themselves, leaving researchers unable to consider the unique perspectives and experiences of people with trans parents as well as the processes through which they navigate their parents’ transition.

Recent research centering people with trans parents examines processes through which they experience their parents’ trans identities and transitions. These studies, which include Veldorale-Griffin’s 2014 work on trans parents and their adult children and Tabor’s 2018 work on people with trans parents, use family stress models to explain the navigations and negotiations participants experience. While each of these studies

46 provide important contributions to the understanding of trans-parent families, neither discusses the potential different and unique perspectives that having a trans parent may bring in terms of their children’s understandings of their families or the tools they use to navigate their parent’s transition.

In order to examine these perspectives, Oswald, Blume, and Marks (2005) suggest decentering heteronormativity in family studies, which seeks to deconstruct the interconnected gender, sexuality, and family polarities which uphold heteronormativity.

These polarities, which posit normative/dominant forms of gender, sexualities, and families against “unnatural” counterparts, are arranged in hierarchical binaries in which the former have more power and legitimacy than the latter. Heteronormativity, or the

“implicit moral system or value framework that surrounds the practice of heterosexuality” (2005, p. 144), maintains the hierarchy as well as the binary. However, through what the authors refer to as queering processes (2005, p. 146), each of the binaries may be challenged. Their model identifies sites of tension where heteronormativity and queering processes meet and families resist or accommodate heteronormativity (Allen & Mendez, 2018, p. 70).

With an understanding that social contexts are necessary to consider how gender, sexualities, and family are situated, Allen and Mendez (2018) extend Oswald et al.’s (2005) model to include the concept of hegemony, which they define as “the social, cultural, political, structural, and institutional power and dominance of one or more groups, identities, behavior, and/or practices over others” (Allen & Mendez, 2018, p.

74). Normalized families, which previously did not include lesbian and gay couples, now include married lesbian and gay couples with and without children. However,

47 families whose configurations challenge the institution of marriage, such as unmarried couples, families of choice, or polyamorous families, continue to be considered

“pseudo” families (p. 74-76). Additionally, Allen and Mendez acknowledge the significance of the life course in understanding the development of queer identities over time. In decentering heteronormativity from the study of trans-parented families and examining the queering processes that take place, we may begin to understand how parental transition destabilizes heteronormative assumptions of processes and negotiations in the family especially as they intersect with gender and sexualities.

Families in which parents stay together through one parent’s transition (or plan/attempt to do so) challenge gender, sexual, and family binaries. In the present study, participants’ families navigate a parent’s gender transition together and their understandings of their families diverge from previous assumptions about their parents’ gender and sexual identities as well as the overall family functioning. People with trans parents observe queering processes of and within their families, some of which appear to have always existed in their understandings of family, such as participants whose trans parents are polyamorous or those who challenged gender norms prior to disclosure of trans identity. For many participants, however, their understandings of their family prior to disclosure largely fit within heteronormative and cisnormative framing. Using the queering process as a frame to understand the experiences of people with trans parents, I find that participants who navigate the challenges to hetero- and cisnormativity they experience through communication within their families and flexibility in their understandings of gender, sexuality, and family forms appear to have a more positive overall view of their parent’s transition than participants who do not.

48 Additionally, participants who feel their cis parent is inflexible to queering processes within the family are more likely to experience breakdown in the family structure.

The present chapter focuses on how participants perceive and navigate the effects of parental gender transition both personally and with their families, with an understanding that these experiences are inextricably tied to their understandings of gender and sexualities. The processes participants experience within a family context, such as communication with siblings, negotiating what to call the trans parent, and interpretations of the parents’ relationship, indicate the complexities of parental gender transition from the perspectives of their children. I begin with a discussion of participants’ perceptions of communication among family members and how more or less communication relates to participants’ experiences of transition. I also use a case study on parental title negotiation as a discussion of the queering process, suggesting that gender ideologies are both challenged and reflected in the negotiation of how participants address their trans parents. I then explore openness to queering processes of gender and sexual diversity within the family, and how participants’ perceptions of overall family atmosphere affect their experiences.

Communication

Improved Communication, Improved Relationship

Communication among family members appears to be an important factor in participants’ overall perception of their parent’s transition as well as its effects on the family. For transgender people, being able to identify as trans and taking steps to align others’ perceptions of them to their perception of themselves (e.g. through disclosure

49 and/or changing appearance, pronouns, name, etc.) has many positive outcomes, including decreases in depression, anxiety, and stress (S. A. Davis & Meier, 2014;

Meier, Fitzgerald, Pardo, & Babcock, 2011), Several participants indicate that their trans parent is happier and easier to communicate with since becoming more open about their trans identity and beginning transition. Bianca, whose dad is a trans woman, reflects on this:

Once my dad transitioned, I have such an amazing relationship with her now. A lot better. Now that she's herself, we're able to talk a lot more about how she feels or anything. It's a lot easier to talk to her about anything now. Yeah…My dad really knows who she is now and can express that, she's a lot more secure with herself and open. It's a lot easier to hang out with her. She asks me like, "Let's go for lunch." Okay, we can go for lunch. We talk and talk and talk and laugh and laugh and laugh. Yeah. No, we talk about a lot. Our relationship's really close.

Bianca directly relates their improved relationship to her dad’s transition, as she feels her dad’s comfort with her own identity makes it easier to talk to and spend time with her. Bianca’s explanation of her dad as being herself is striking in that it demonstrates some understanding of the emotional difficulties trans people may experience in attempting to navigate personal expression within a society that is unconducive to trans identities.

Some participants with trans women parents directly related improved communication to their parent’s previous expressions or associations with masculinity, which appears to reify traditional associations of emotionality exclusively with femininity. Jeffrey feels his improved relationship with his dad, a trans woman, is exemplified in their mutual expression of love toward each other:

I was not necessarily estranged with my dad, but uh, growing up with my dad you know the car rides were always very long and very quiet.

50 And then really until my dad transitioned, that’s when our relationship grew so to speak? I mean before my dad transitioned I could tell you, you know, how many times my dad had said she had loved me. And now that she’s transitioned, um, you know I’ve lost count. Cause you know, every time we get on the phone or every time we see each other we say we love each other and that was missing before, so I would say we have a much better—I would say I have a much better relationship with my father now than I did previously… My dad was always kind of a man’s man, and that’s why we didn’t talk a whole lot.

Jeffrey’s interpretations of how his dad “does gender” (West & Zimmerman,

1987) have changed throughout her transition. In describing car rides prior to his dad’s transition as long and quiet, and expressions of love as “missing before,” Jeffrey’s recollection of his relationship with his dad growing up was devoid of outward emotion and personal connection. Jeffrey attributes this to his dad’s previous expressions of masculinity that disallowed her from expressing emotion and indicates that her ability to verbally express love—as well as the improvement to their parent-child relationship—is a result of her ability to express femininity.

Some participants reportedly felt that their relationship with their parents as a unit has also improved through transition which they attribute to an improvement in communication between their parents. Sierra reflects on her perception of her parents’ relationship over time, and how it has affected her personally:

I assume, in retrospect, that a lot of the tension in the house was due to gender dysphoria that was not being addressed because for most of my life, up until a few years ago, she was living as male and the difference between after her transition and before is just amazing. She's a lot more relaxed, a lot less defensive, a lot more—takes more time to reflect on her feelings instead of just reacting at the people around her. Their relationship and personal lives seem to have both gotten better since Dad transitioned…My relationship with both of them was always pretty loving. It's just gotten—it has a healthier emotional dynamic now as an adult…They always had a very loving and dedicated relationship but there was always this sense of "we're not going to talk about this in front of the

51 kids" or "we're not going to talk about this." Now, it seems like when there's an issue, they talk about it.

Previous research suggests that parents who are able to build a healthier relationship between themselves during transition are also able to develop healthier relationships with their children (White & Ettner, 2007, p. 219). While that particular study relies on data collected from parents and not their children, the present study appears to support these findings. Sierra’s description of the changes she sees in her parents indicates that her dad’s transition has allowed for better communication between her parents, which has also allowed her to develop a healthier relationship with them as an adult.

Communication Among Siblings

Within the context of parental gender transition, it is likely that siblings may offer an in-home support system as they do for major events within the family context

(Gass, Jenkins, & Dunn, 2007). However, although all participants in this study indicated that they have at least one sibling, few consider their siblings to be support systems through their parent’s transition. Several participants feel that they have no significant relationship with their siblings, particularly those who have siblings who are much older or younger than them or those who have half- or step-siblings who have always lived outside of the house. A few participants who are within a few years of each other feel they are not close enough to their siblings to talk about their parent’s transition, while some participants feel that although they are close to their siblings, they rarely talk about their parent’s transition, which they attribute to their sibling’s personality as generally unwilling to discuss negative emotions or difficulties. Most of these participants who indicate they have needed support have had to seek it outside the

52 family, such as through friends, therapy, and/or internet-based resources like COLAGE

(See Chapter 4). The experiences of the few participants who discuss talking with their sibling(s) throughout their parent’s transition indicates that having an in-home support system with others who share knowledge from a similar position within the family can be a helpful tool in navigating their parent’s transition while a lack of support from siblings could complicate navigation processes. The intrafamily navigational knowledge provided by siblings may provide a unique perspective on support that may be supplemented—but not replaced—by outside resources.

A few participants describe having one sibling to which they feel closer and can more openly discuss their parent’s transition. Although Noah says he does not talk to his older brother about their dad (a trans woman), he does talk to his younger brother, to whom he feels closer. He reflects on his impressions of their mutual feelings about their dad’s transition:

I'm pretty close with my younger brother. It's not that my other brother and I don't like each other. We like each other. We just have very different interests. So it's hard for us to like hang out. But my younger brother and I share similar interests. So I'm closer to him than I am with my older one. …We both just kind of talk about how like how a lot of the aspects that we don't really care but the one where he like—or she like screams at my younger brother is basically what we talk about for the most part… Well we don't really care that he dresses like a woman. Don’t really care that she is trans. Like we still love her. It's just the only aspect that's like frustrating is like the emotional aspect. Cause like—completely different emotional responses to everything [since starting hormone therapy].

Along with his younger brother, describing mutual acceptance of their father’s transition

(although Noah demonstrates some accidental alternating of pronouns in discussion) along with the ability to commiserate over the aspects of their dad’s transition that they both find frustrating has been beneficial for Noah, such as the perception that their dad

53 has begun to act “differently” since starting hormone therapy. Though partners and family members of trans adults indicate that their trans loved one may act differently

(sometimes similarly to adolescents during puberty) as they adjust to hormone therapy

(Pfeffer, 2017), Noah and his brother appear to find solace and support in each other’s discontent with their dad’s current stage of transition.

For participants who feel their sibling(s) have been mutually supportive of each other through their parent’s transition, being able to have someone with a similar first- hand experience of the negotiation processes appears to be helpful in their navigation.

Meredith describes her experience navigating her Mama’s (trans woman parent) transition with her sister:

Yeah so I have a younger sister, she’s two years younger than me. I absolutely love her, she’s graduating high school in a few months and we’ve always been super close, so like, I think that's something that's definitely helped, like even when our parents were having their, like you know, like stuff to deal with but we always stuck together which is just very—I love it.

Positive sibling relationships have been shown to help children through stressful life events (Gass et al., 2007), so for Meredith, having a sister close in age with whom she has always felt close and “stuck together” through the difficulties of their Mama’s transition has been especially helpful for her.

Some participants, like Sandra who says she talks to her sister about their dad’s transition a lot, include their sibling in their discussion of their parent’s transition during the interview process, indicating that they believe their sibling’s experiences are similar to their own:

I think in general, I think it's an understanding, the agreement we've reached pretty much is it's an adjustment process for me and my sister and

54 we go to a big effort to try and not be mean, but we'll say, "Appreciate that it takes time." And so we're basically trying to get our heads around it and everything. Sandra is having a particularly difficult time with her dad’s transition and the tension in her household but having her sister as an ally within the home with whom she can share similar experiences has made it easier for her to manage the adjustment process. Although individual siblings might not experience life events in the same way (Kowal, Krull, & Kramer, 2004), participants who already have a strong sibling bond appear to be more likely to be able to discuss their parent’s transition, which may contribute to the ability to navigate transition together as a family. For participants who are having a more difficult time individually with their parent’s transition, like Noah and Sandra, having a sibling with whom they can discuss shared observations and mutual frustrations may give them a more supportive space in which they can navigate emotional responses and experiences as well as negotiations of changes within the family.

Difficulties in Communication and Responses to Discomfort

Despite some participants’ improved communication as previously described, other participants report having difficulties related to communication with their trans parent. Participants with communication issues are likely to articulate this as having overall difficulties with their parent’s transition. The experiences described by some participants indicate that they feel their own needs have not been met through their parent’s transition.

Some participants express difficulties with transition due to perceived lack of attention to their own emotions on the part of their trans parent. Although Dena was ten

55 years old when her dad, a trans man, told Dena and her older brother that he was going to begin transition, she describes a lack of communication about his transition throughout her school-age years.

I don't remember very much processing or explaining with us. I remember it more kind of, "This is just the way it is and you're going to go through this with us and tough luck if it's hard for you." There really wasn't much emotional care taken of me and my brother from how I remember it…I have compassion for the fact that it is a selfish—not in a negative connotation way—but very self-focused and I'm glad that he has gone through the transition and he is who he is…I felt like there were certain things that we shouldn't talk about. That for whatever reason, I got the message that I shouldn't ask questions about the transition, that I was going to be met with anger if I criticized him for anything that he was doing or the way he was dealing with it. Dena’s compassion for her dad and his transition is countered by feelings of being purposely left out of the conversation. Rather than describing an avoidance of conversation on her part—as several participants describe not wanting to engage with details or specifics about transition—Dena feels she was not allowed to ask questions at all. Previous research on individuals and their trans parents indicates that parent-child relationships may be strengthened by working through problems together (Veldorale- Griffin, 2014), so it is possible that feeling actively excluded—as Dena does—may be detrimental to the parent-child relationship. Previous research on people with trans parents suggests that those who experience negative changes in their parent-child relationships generally acknowledge other factors that play into those negative changes (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014, p. 493). In the present study, participants who feel their parent’s transition negatively affects the family also tend to acknowledge other factors that compound their experiences. Dena’s experience with her dad’s transition has also been compounded with multiple moves and a lack of a broader social support network.

56 I'm just trying to speak from my own experience of it which was primarily pretty negative because we were bullied, because we moved so many times and had to uproot ourselves and then redefine and see if there was anyone we could tell about our family but basically, I don't remember talking about it much at home and definitely very limited with friends. A lot of the feelings cropping up from so many years of silence and feeling like I couldn't ask questions, couldn't say how I was feeling and couldn't even tell friends about my family basically.

While people with queer and trans parents often have to go through a decision-making process regarding to whom and how they disclose their parent’s identity outside the family (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001; K. A. Kuvalanka, Leslie, & Radina, 2014; Tabor,

2018), Dena’s negative experiences with disclosure (e.g. bullying) made her fearful of disclosing to her friends in each new place her family moved (for more on Dena’s experiences and connection to cisnormativity, see Chapter 5). Although Dena acknowledges that transition may be a self-focused process and is happy her dad was able to transition, she also feels that as his child, she needed more support. As she feels she did not have the ability to form a support network outside the home due to so many moves—several of which were to conservative-religious areas where she was bullied for her dad’s transition—the lack of support and discussion at home made her dad’s transition especially difficult for her. Although this study attempts to differentiate experiences related to transition from experiences related to divorce or parental separation due to transition, parents who do not separate during transition may undergo other concurrent life-changing events. For Dena, experiences related to her dad’s transition and the moves are inextricably tied, as the stresses related to moving are compounded by the transition and vice versa.

57 Sari, one of the two participants whose parents recently divorced after approximately two years of staying together after her dad disclosed her trans identity, also cites a lack of communication in her difficulty navigating her dad’s (a trans woman) transition:

I don't really remember my senior year, but after I left for school, like after I left for the summer and then school and then started coming back, it just went downhill from there. So that summer my father came out publicly without telling me. So that's also the other piece I forgot to mention, is that I had been left out of the loop on communication constantly… So that's been difficult and that's the big reason we haven't, we've had trouble with our relationship is because of the lack of communication on big decisions. Although transition is an individual’s choice, the consequences of transition-related decisions affect loved ones. Thus, being excluded from this decision-making process may feel disempowering or confusing (Pfeffer, 2017, p. 169). Children of queer parents have their own process of “coming out” about their parents’ identities within their own social circles (Bernstein & Reimann, 2001), so for people with trans parents, not being kept “in the loop” about major transition-related decisions, such as public disclosure, may be especially disempowering. For both Dena and Sari, lack of communication has taken away any potential control they may have in the way their parent’s transition has affected their own lives. Conversely, some participants deal with negative emotions regarding their parent’s transition by avoiding talking to or spending a lot of time with their trans parent. In this way, they are better able to control the flow of information regarding their parent’s transition and the direct effect it may have on their lives. Laura, who describes her dad as “still” using he/him pronouns at the time of the interview, generally does not talk to him on the phone in order to avoid conversation about his transition. Although she has spent some time with her dad since he came out, she has been away at school

58 most of the time since her dad disclosed his trans identity to her and is currently studying abroad.

It's not really like a rational thing. It's like I know nothing bad is going to happen, but it's just this kind of discomfort and not really knowing how to deal with the elephant in the room. It's exacerbated by the fact that now because I only talk to him infrequently, when we do end up talking he often brings up gender stuff and then also other serious topics because I avoid talking to him so then when we do talk, that's when things have to be brought up and that in turn makes me less interested in talking because I have this association with, "Oh, if I have a conversation, I'm going to have to deal with stuff."

Laura’s discomfort can be described by the dual feelings of ambiguity in people with trans parents described by Tabor (2018). For Laura, role-relational ambiguity or, feelings of ambiguity regarding both the gendered role of the parent and the relationship between parent and child (Tabor, 2018), arises from changes in the roles and relational statuses she occupies along with her dad, and changes to her dad’s gender identity as well as their relationship. These ambiguities are difficult for Laura to articulate, thus, she attempts to avoid the conversation altogether. As suggested by information avoidance literature (Kate Sweeny, Darya Melnyk, Wendi Miller, 2009), individuals may actively avoid information that they believe will make them uncomfortable. Laura avoids calling her dad so she can avoid talking about “gender stuff” and “serious topics” that will force her to deal with her feelings head-on. Tabor (2018) describes some people’s emotional (and in some cases, physical) disconnection from their trans parents as a result of the stress brought on by their parent’s transition. Although this is the least common outcome in Tabor’s research, most participants who describe detrimental changes have made some efforts to avoid interacting with their trans parents. Laura’s experiences indicate that this type of avoidance response may make a parent’s transition harder to deal with over time.

59 Laura’s emotions regarding her dad’s transition are also complicated by her feelings regarding overall support for trans people. Laura describes herself as supportive of her trans friends and the broader trans community, but has difficulty when it comes to her dad being trans:

It just feels weird to want to be very supportive of some people who are trans and then not with other people and I do want to be supportive of my dad but it's complicated by the fact that he's my dad and I'm used to him being male whereas most of the other people I know who are trans I met them when they were already trans or non-binary or something like that. Parental roles are gendered in their assumptions and associations. Although research on the parental gender has moved away from the presumptions that mothering and fathering include gender-exclusive capacities, such as the nurturing mother, or the “essential father” who provides necessary masculine parenting (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010, p. 4), parenting roles continue to be deeply cisnormative as parental gender is assumed to be aligned with sex assigned at birth and reproductive capabilities/genitalia. (See Pfeffer, 2017, p. xix). Laura’s cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957) regarding her support for her trans friends and discomfort with her dad’s transition is representative of the complexities of parent-child relationships as they are tied to gendered parental roles. For her, the main difference between her dad and her trans friends is that she has only ever known her trans friends as such, while she grew up believing her dad was a man.

Therefore, the difficulties Laura describes dealing with her dad’s transition are likely not due to a general discomfort with trans people but rather due to the challenge to the cisnormative assumptions she has held for her dad. Some participants articulate these challenges to their cisnormative assumptions of their parents as loss, in that they feel they are losing the person they knew before. Sandra describes feeling that her dad, a trans woman (for whom Sandra uses he/him

60 pronouns although she says her dad exclusively uses she/her pronouns), is a different person:

It's tricky for me, it's very much a grieving process I think, because I think it feels like—a very different person to the dad I've grown up with. It's just sort of like, just like the parents personality wise, it's a big, big change. And I think for dad it's like either you accept me or you're transphobic, but I don't think it's that black and white. So it's quite tense…but we don't sort of talk that much together that well… I think because as a person, my dad he sort of was a big part of my life and now I feel like I've sort of lost that person. He seems like a very different person, and to me—I found that really sort of upsetting.

Although the feeling of loss or grieving during a loved one’s transition has been documented previously (Coolhart, Ritenour, & Grodzinski, 2018; Norwood, 2013a), Sandra also feels that her dad’s lack of empathy for her position in relation to the family—child of a transitioning parent—has left little room for her to deal with complicated and intersecting emotions, which likely leads to resistance to supporting her dad through transition. Although Sandra considers herself to be accepting of trans identities more broadly (See Chapter 5 for further discussion) the changes she has perceived in her dad through transition, when combined with her assumption that her dad will think she is transphobic if she brings up her concerns, leads her to want to avoid talking to her dad altogether. Additionally, this type of tension might also lead trans people’s family members to be more resistant to making some of the changes requested of them, such as the use of different pronouns. Although Sandra is the only participant in the present study who discloses making the choice to continue to use pronouns that do not align with the parent’s preferred pronouns, only 55% of respondents in the 2015 United States Transgender Survey report that at least one family member uses the correct pronouns (James et al., 2016). In continuing to use he/him pronouns, Sandra demonstrates the

61 complexities of navigating gender transition within the context of the parent-child relationship when the individual feels their parent does not take the family’s adjustment needs into account. Analysis suggests that the evidence participants express generally speaks to issues of communication related to transition rather than the transition itself. Some participants articulate this as lack of acknowledgement for their own role in their parent’s transition, creating feelings of disempowerment in how transition affects their own lives. While Dena, Sari, and Sandra describe a lack of control in this situation, Laura takes some of that control into her own hands by distancing herself from her trans parent. Additionally, in Sandra’s continued use of he/him pronouns, she asserts some control in the way that she navigates her dad’s transition by way of resistance3. Participants who view their parent’s transition as having a negative effect on their own lives are more likely to try to distance themselves from their trans parent either physically or emotionally. Although none of the participants in this study report entirely cutting off their trans parent from communication (See Chapter 2), the 2015 United States Transgender Survey (James et al., 2016, p. 65) reports that 21% of respondents who were out to their children had at least one child stop speaking to them or spending

3 Sandra explains that she continues to use he/him pronouns because she “hasn’t switched yet” and that her dad understands that it is “an adjustment process” for her and her sister. Although Sandra does acknowledge that her dad gets upset when other family members use he/him pronouns, she appears to believe she and her sister have been granted more leeway in making that change. It is important to note that purposely using incorrect pronouns is one example of how language may be weaponized in the context of family discord. Although Sandra does not describe her pronouns use as being intentionally harmful, the leeway she perceives may be an example of how trans people defer to the needs of cisgender loved ones in the face of discursive aggression (shuster, 2017) that might be hurtful or harmful to them.

62 time with them after disclosing their trans identity. Previous research indicates that children’s reactions to transition depend heavily on the family environment, and open dialogue within the family may contribute to development of mutual support between individuals and their trans parents (M. L. Brown & Rounsley, 1996; Hines, 2006). As the parent-child relationship is a dyad, open communication that goes both ways is likely a key component to each party’s ability to navigate transition as well as their overall perception of the transition itself. If the children within a family articulate their experiences with transition as negative overall rather than focusing on the issues of communication, this will likely contribute to further negative perceptions of transitioning parents.

Case Study: Gendered Parental Titles

Given the importance of communication in participants’ navigation of their parent’s transition, negotiating what to call their parent is something that most participants describe within their experiences. Although a trans parent’s pronouns and names are generally reflective of a personal understanding of gender and identity, the parental title is reflective of a dyadic relationship between parent and child. Parental titles and the relationships they represent, such as mom/mother and dad/father, are reflective of gendered cultural expectations (shuster, 2017; Tabor, 2018). As trans parents and their children negotiate parental titles and terms, each navigates their own understanding of their dyadic relationship, gendered representation, and identity.

The available schemas used to name and describe parenting roles largely fit a one-mother-one-father (or only one biological mother) expectation, which shapes and constrains parental identities within families who challenge this heteronormative and

63 cisnormative family model (Hayman, Wilkes, Jackson, & Halcomb, 2013; Padavic &

Butterfield, 2011; Suter, Seurer, Webb, Grewe Jr., & Kellas, 2015). For trans parents and their children, these schemas offer limited pathways to define themselves and their roles—and the gendered expectations that come with them—within the parent-child relationship. Some trans parents retain their previous gendered titles, and others move to creative or gender-neutral designations or titles (Petit, Julien, & Chamberland, 2017;

Pyne, 2012; Transparent (2014-2019). For example, the term “Maddy” that Mike uses for his trans parent is also specifically mentioned elsewhere as a combination of

“Mommy” and “Daddy” (Boylan, 2003; Petit et al., 2017; Pyne, 2012). Some parents move to a title reflective of their gender identity that fits the one-mom-one-dad or only- one-biological-mom schema, such as trans men parents with cis women partners using

“dad,” or trans women parents with cis women partners using terms similar to “mom,” like “Mama.”

Perhaps the most surprising finding in this study is related to the processes through which participants and their parents negotiate parental titles, leading most participants to use the same gendered parental title for their trans parent as they did prior to disclosure of trans identity. Of the thirteen participants who describe their parents as trans women, ten of them call their parent “Dad” (or equivalent), while two use variations on “Mom” and one uses “Maddy”. Two participants do not articulate a specific gender identity for their parents who were assigned male at birth, and both continue to call their parent “Dad.” All three participants with trans men parents use their parent’s name or a masculine parent nickname such as “Papa.” Each of the two

64 participants with nonbinary parents (both of whom were assigned female at birth) call their parent “Mom.”

Given the centrality of parental titles to parental roles, expectations, and identities (Padavic & Butterfield, 2011; Suter et al., 2015), parents appear to simultaneously queer gendered parental titles by decoupling their titles from their gender identities (such as in the case of nonbinary moms and trans women dads) and/or reinforce the one-mom-one-dad and only-one-biological-mom cultural schemas that shape and constrain gendered understandings of family formation. Additionally, it appears that trans men who wish to be called dad reinforce cultural definitions of masculinity that indicate the absence of femininity (Ireland, 1993), while trans women dads reject the conflation of masculinity and fatherhood in the comfort of their own parent-child relationships.

Hines (2006) describes the negotiation of parental titles as collaborative in which parents’ considerations of parental designations enable children to adapt to their parent’s changing gender status, while others describe instances where parents subvert their own needs for those of their children. For example, Petit and colleagues (2017) and shuster

(2017) both find that some parents who keep their previous gendered designations feel uncomfortable or misgendered in doing so but prioritize the comfort of their children.

However, neither study examines the combination of using a parent’s title reflective of their gender assigned at birth along with their parent’s preferred pronouns from the perspective of their children, as many participants in the present study do. As Sierra explains, “we do still call her ‘Dad,’ we just use feminine pronouns.” Although gender identity appears to play a part in this process for participants in this study (as

65 exemplified by all three trans men parents using masculine titles or names), most participants describe queering processes through which they negotiate decoupling gendered parental titles from their inherent gender associations by using their parent’s preferred pronouns alongside their unchanged gendered titles.

For some participants, continuing to call their trans woman parent “Dad” appears to be related to their own comfort and stability during their parent’s transition.

Angie recalls asking her dad about this when she disclosed her trans identity:

It wasn't like a big bomb when she told [me]…The only question I had was, do I still get to call you “Daddy”? Cause I wasn't going to call her by her name because she's my parent and I have a mom, so I don't want to call her “Mom” too. So, my dad laughed like in relief I guess. And like, “Well yeah. Of course you still get to call me Dad. Regardless of the transition, I am still a father to you.”

Angie uses her dad’s preferred pronouns and indicates that she is supportive of and

“happy for her” through transition, however, saying that she does not want to call her

“mom” is indicative of the one-mom-one-dad and only-one-biological-mom constructions of normative family formations. Although it is possible that Angie’s dad’s response was intended to prioritize Angie’s feelings regardless of her own (shuster,

2017), it is also possible that both of them feel more comfortable within these schemas, given their prominence in society (Padavic & Butterfield, 2011).

Although Angie specifically requests to continue to call her parent “dad,” some participants describe their trans parent’s insistence on continuing to use the same gendered parental title after they disclosed their trans identity. Alyssa recalls the conversation in which her mom disclosed their nonbinary identity (which included a change to they/them pronouns), and asked that Alyssa continue to call them “mom”:

66 [One] thing that they made clear I think that first talk was that they still wanted to use the word "mom," they kept that as more of a job description than a gender title… I feel like, it's just sort of the specialness of the term, that it sort of is a word for our connection, but it's never been about femininity. I don't know, my Mom can really make sure I still felt like we had the same still, the close relationship. And I think just like that word is a way of holding onto that.

For Alyssa, who describes her mom as “never feminine, always pretty explicitly against appearing feminine or at least for them self,” the title of “mom” is representative of their bond rather than the assumption of femininity that is associated with the term. Although society readily enforces the norm that mothers should be feminine and not masculine

(Padavic & Butterfield, 2011), Alyssa and her mom appear to disconnect motherhood from gender altogether. In doing so, they renegotiate motherhood outside of the construction that masculinity is the absence of femininity (Ireland, 1993, p. 133), and move toward a definition of motherhood that queers gendered expectations.

For some participants with trans women parents, continuing to call them “dad” is more of a lack of preference in what else they would like to be called, rather than an insistence on changing the title their children use to address or refer to them. Jenna recalls her dad’s insistence on not being called “mom,” but also not having a particular preference of what to be called instead.

I know some people call their male-to-female parent like, “mom,” and my dad laid down that rule for us saying, “Don't do that to your mother after everything she's been through, don't disrespect her, I'm not your mother”… which was kind of really nice to hear her say that about our mom. We talked about it, we all tried to come up with something but we just couldn't come up with anything better than Dad.

Here, continuing to call her parent “dad” appears to be the result of a lack of a more comfortable title for both parent and children in addition to the power of the term

67 “mother” and its location in the one-mother-one-father and one-biological-mother schemas. Although Jenna continues to call her trans parent “dad,” she decouples this title from her dad’s gender identity by using she/her pronouns. However, in not wanting to disrespect Jenna’s mother by taking on the title of “mom,” Jenna’s dad appears to reinforce the ideology that a mother has a particular type of bond with their children that cannot be replicated by others, and only that bond is deserving of the title of “mom.”

Also present is the cultural value of maternal self-sacrifice (Singh, 2004) In Jenna’s recollection of her dad’s decision being predicated on what Jenna’s mom has “been through,” Jenna’s mom is painted as having made sacrifices (whether solely related to being the partner of a trans woman or is inclusive of other experiences) that is deserving of some sort of recognition and concessions.

This contrast between the reasons behind continuing to call her “dad” and not

“mom” indicates the complexity of the associations with these terms, both in their representations of gender ideologies and the parent-child bond. Although these negotiations of what to call the trans parent typically take place within the confines of the household and family, going out in public complicates these understandings and often brings discussions of cisnormative ideologies back to the forefront of discussion

(for more on these negotiations while out in public, please see Chapter 4).

Conversely, all three participants with trans men parents indicate that their parent requests that their children use their first name or a masculine parental title.

Taylor, who was adopted shortly after her dad came out as trans but before he began transition, says, “I never met my dad as his birth name, I met him as “Papa.” That's kind

68 of what we just called him.” Dena, on the other hand, describes her dad’s insistence on changing parental titles at the start of his transition:

I remember him saying, "From now on I want you to call me ‘dad,’" which didn't happen and wasn't going to happen because we had never had a dad and he was mom and that just felt like such a huge change. We’ll start with “Pa” and see where it goes. These experiences may indicate Taylor and Dena’s parents’ need to move away from the implicit gender associations of the “mom” title at the start of transition. As indicated earlier in the chapter, Taylor’s description of her dad’s transition is inclusive of family communication, while Dena’s experience indicates her dad’s independence from the family in making transition-related decisions. While gender identity of the parent may play a part in the need to assert a title reflective of the parent’s gender, Dena’s experience in particular implies that a parent’s insistence on a gendered title change without input from their child might create stress and resistance. Although some participants’ experiences in negotiating gendered parental titles appear to support previous findings that indicate trans parents may put their children’s needs ahead of their own (Petit et al., 2017; shuster, 2017), many participants describe mutual negotiation with their parents in which they queer gendered parental titles. They acknowledge their parent’s gender identity through the use of their parents’ preferred pronouns and reaffirm their support and acceptance of their parent’s identity throughout the interview. However, in continuing to use the gendered parental title associated with their parent’s gender assigned at birth along with the continued acknowledgments of their parent’s gender identity, they shed light on the queering process families go through in negotiating what to call their trans parent.

69 Gender and Sexual Flexibility

In addition to issues of communication, participants describe having to navigate shifting definitions of gender and sexuality among themselves and their families.

Participants’ understandings of gender and sexual flexibility in themselves and among family members prior to their trans parent’s disclosure or initiation of transition appears to be a common theme among participants who describe personal support and understanding of their trans parents. Children who grow up in queer households may develop flexibility in sexual, gender, and other kinds of diversity (Epstein, 2005; Stacey

& Biblarz, 2001). Although many heterosexual parents normalize and reproduce heteronormativity in their parenting and effectively render queer relationships invisible to their children (K. A. Martin, 2009), queer acceptability within heterosexual-parented families—or those that appear to be heterosexual—may be fostered through concerted efforts of visibility and acceptance. Parents who make efforts to accept gender diversity may create a family environment conducive to navigating gender transition.

Some participants feel that they were brought up by their parents to be open and accepting of others regardless of gender or sexuality, which has allowed for their family to generally be open and accepting of their parent’s transition. Suzie, whose Mom is a trans woman, reflects on this:

I feel like there are some families that are judgmental. I don't know. Not in a mean way, but just like, don't necessarily talk about those issues with their kids, and I guess don't necessarily look at it positively. I feel like we've always been a pretty neutral family before all this. We've never looked at it negatively. I guess we didn't necessarily talk about it a lot either. But I had a friend who was transgender, and we have people in our lives in the LGBT community. I feel like it was never a question of whether we would be accepting or not, any of us.

70 Although Suzie does not recall talking a lot about the LGBTQ+ community with her family growing up, her feeling that her Mom’s acceptance by both her Mommy (Suzie’s birth parent) and her sister indicates that queer and trans identities were normalized, likely through proximity to other members of the LGBTQ+ community.

For some participants, like Suzie, it is possible that this acceptance of gender diversity is a result of their cis parent already knowing about their trans parent’s identity early in their relationship, regardless of whether the trans parent appeared to present to the participant as gender non-conforming prior to disclosure of identity and/or initiation of transition. These participants tend to perceive their parents’ relationship as foundationally strong or close, which may create a feeling of stability for the family as a unit during transition. Suzie reflects on this knowledge:

[Mama] knew pretty close to after they started dating actually. I don't think they necessarily had a name for it, but they've told the story…That was really comforting to me to know that they knew, she knew early on in the relationship. That made me confident that they would stick it out which was obviously very scary. I didn't want to be going through all this and then have my parents get a divorce or whatever.

Suzie’s explanation of her parent’s relationship indicates that divorce would have been a negative outcome for her personally, and it was something that she feared. For her, divorce would have been worse than going through her dad’s transition, as they already perceived acceptance for her dad among her whole family.

In learning about their cis parent’s prior knowledge of their trans parent’s identity, some participants appear to focus on the combination of their cis parent’s strength and their trans parent’s happiness in their understanding of why their

71 relationship stayed intact. Jessica, whose dad is a trans woman, describes learning about her mom’s knowledge of her dad’s identity as a trans woman:

My mom's really good. She's probably my hero in all of this. Just how strong she's been…Just my mom and I were in the car, and I was just asking her how she felt and what she felt when she first found out. So she was pregnant with me and she didn't really know what to do because, back then, it's not as published as it is now so she hadn't really heard of it before and she obviously felt angry that the person she was in love with is a bit of a facade and she felt scared because she wasn't ready—if she did leave—to be a single mother to me. And then she just felt sad that Dad had been hurting for so long and no one had helped him. They went to therapy and everything and obviously have stayed together…[Now] they're still very close and they still act like a married couple which is lovely…It's because Dad's happy, I guess. That's what I've sort of put it down to.

In describing her mom as “strong,” Jessica is simultaneously acknowledging the stressors cis partners of trans people experience in regards to navigating and reconsidering their own identities (McGuire et al., 2016; Samons, 2009) while also positing her mom as a sort of “hero” who could overcome the knowledge that her partner is trans and still have a happy life and marriage.

Additionally, in constructing her mom as a “hero,” Jessica constructs a power imbalance between her parents, suggesting that her mom has had the power to end the relationship and did not because she felt bad that her dad had not been helped before.

Although Jessica feels her parents’ relationship as close, her interpretations regarding her mom’s knowledge of her dad’s trans identity create a less equitable perception of their partnership.

The image of the heroic partner who stays through transition, however, can only make sense if transition within marriage/partnership is seen as a tragedy. Given the historical portrayals of trans women in mass media as “pathetic” or “deceptive” (Serano,

72 2016, p. 41-45), the idea that a partner transitioning as a tragic twist in an otherwise happy partnership is a cisnormative construction, painting a cis partner who “stays” as being heroic. Perhaps unsurprisingly, participants with parents who identify as trans men or nonbinary do not describe their cis parent in this way. This asymmetry is reflective of cisnormative and heteronormative ideologies, emphasizing that “good” heterosexual relationships would include “good” men who are not, by definition, trans women.

Conversely, participants who describe their trans parent as expressing some gender nonconforming tendencies—but not identifying as trans or nonbinary—prior to disclosure or transition often retrospectively use that understanding as a precursor to transition. Meredith, whose Mama and stepmom have stayed married through Mama’s transition, reflects on noticing—but not discussing—Mama’s prior nonconforming gender expression at home:

When I was like younger, she wasn't out, but she always had long hair and sometimes she would wear skirts around the house, but it was never something that like, I guess you really talked about, and it wasn't like, I don't know what the reasons behind—it wasn’t really anything, but it was just kind of like, I knew that my parents were different but I didn't really grasp why, they never told me why… I think that's a big reason why they stayed together is because [my stepmom] was aware…but I think because she did things like wearing dresses and stuff and like, you know, she had the long hair and she was already fairly feminine-presenting, and it wasn't something I really got but because that was there, I think I always knew there was something different about my family.

Meredith believes that her Mama and stepmom stayed together at least in part because her stepmom was always accepting of Mama’s gender expression at home, which likely translated into a normalization of gender nonconformity for Meredith. Skirts and long hair are both generally associated with femininity, and Meredith describes her Mama as

73 already feminine-presenting prior to transition, so the transition itself was not an overall disruptor to the family.

Similarly, Robyn describes their mom, who is nonbinary, assigned female at birth, and uses ze/zir pronouns, as always having been gender nonconforming. Although they did not think of their mom as gender nonconforming previously, it falls in line with their memories of their mom while growing up:

I mean like, does this make sense and my mom identifies this way? Like, absolutely. Ze’s always been gender nonconforming. Ze always let me be gender nonconforming. You know, like, I got whatever clothes I wanted from the boys’ section. As young as five…even earlier too, I just don't remember. Um and like, I cut my hair short, all of that was fine and great. And my mom like—all the time I think about it ze was wearing neckties, like that. Like, I can see it. As Robyn’s mom has always been gender nonconforming, and supported nonconformity in Robyn as well, coming out as nonbinary has not been particularly surprising to Robyn. Alyssa, whose mom is also nonbinary and was assigned female at birth, says, “I don't know, it's like my mom was never feminine, always pretty explicitly against appearing feminine or at least for them self.” The prevalence of “greater cultural acceptance of female androgyny compared to male femininity” (Hines, 2006, p. 367) may help to explain Robyn’s and Alyssa’s understandings of their moms’ nonconforming gender expression from an early age. Gender nonconforming moms may be more socially acceptable than gender nonconforming dads under cultural schemas of gender expression. However, Meredith’s experiences indicate that expressions of her Mama’s (trans woman parent) femininity—and in particular, their normalization within her family—allowed for an easier understanding and acceptance when she later disclosed her trans identity and began the process of transition.

74 Polyamorous Parents

Three participants indicated that their parents are polyamorous, a form of relationship in which people may openly court multiple romantic or sexual partners

(Sheff, 2011, p. 488). While there is very little research on people with polyamorous parents, research on polyamorous families indicates that they demonstrate flexible approaches to family life, which “allows complicated families to manage daily life and navigate intricate relationships” (Sheff, 2011, p. 510). Mike, who identifies as transmasc, reflects on his Maddy’s (trans woman parent) relationship with her longtime partner, a cis woman named Carly:

I see home when I see them; like that's what home should be… Home is laughter and safety and joy and care and creativity and warmth. Those are all things that they have together. They have them apart, too, but not as much as they do when they're together…I think [their relationship] has gotten stronger with the transition…It's just how they act together that makes it feel like they've bonded more.

Mike attributes the strength of Maddy and her partner’s relationship to their complimentary personal attributes, though it is possible that the same personal attributes that lend themselves to flexibility in polyamory also lend themselves well to navigating transition. For Mike, who also identifies as polyamorous, the interpretation of Maddy and Carly’s increased bonding and strength through transition, as well as the comfort he feels in spending time with them, might allow for Maddy and Carly (as a unit) to serve as a role model as he navigates his own relationships.

Alyssa, whose parents are also polyamorous, describes her parents’ relationship as shifting through her mom’s transition. Her mom, whose gender identity Alyssa

75 describes as nonbinary/genderqueer/genderfluid, and her dad, a cis man, have stayed married and continue to share a home, but have moved into different rooms.

So my parents were in an open relationship, so marriage and everything. And as far as I know it was mainly my mom who was in other relationships…It was just sort of like my parents got along well and they really clearly loved each other a lot, the way they talked about each other and what they did for each other. And I was happy to be in a family where my parents loved each other. It's like I have friends with parents who are divorced so I was happy that wasn't me. When they sort of separated, which I wasn't quite sure what that meant but they moved into—we reconfigured the house so they had different rooms. And they were still very close and very kind to each other and loving sometimes. And I guess the way they've explained it to me is they're just like sort of around different paths in life now or something. Alyssa’s experience with her family’s queering processes have brought them to a unique situation which would certainly be considered a “pseudo” family (Allen & Mendez, 2018) by normative standards. Although her parents are still married, and still love and support each other, they have moved into separate rooms in the house. For Alyssa, the meaning of her parents’ separation is different from her knowledge of divorce through her friends’ parents. It is likely that both Alyssa’s and Mike’s exposure to their parents’ polyamory and the flexibility in love and relationships it provides, has led them to have a more comfortable experience with the changing nature of their parents’ relationships and family structures.

Resistance to Queering Processes, Poor Communication, and Relationship

Disintegration

Three participants describe experiences in which their trans parent’s disclosure led to a breakdown in their parents’ relationship as well as overall family functioning.

All three participants’ parents include a trans woman and cis woman, and each feels

76 their parents are rigid in their understanding of family that resists queering processes.

While not all relationships are going to stay intact through transition, the lack of communication between parents makes this breakdown much more difficult for their children.

Queering processes of the family through a parent’s transition may include family members questioning their own gender and sexual identities (McGuire et al.,

2016) or reconfiguring relationships that de-center sex and emphasize the role of emotional care (Hines, 2006). Bianca recalls her discussions with her mom in which she constructs and empathizes with her mom’s resistance to her dad’s transition:

I guess the way she says it is that, "I mourn over my husband. My husband's dead." She doesn't really understand why. I don't know if she does understand or not, the whole transition part. I'm not sure about that. She says that my dad expected her to stay together with her in a way, but yet she says, "I'm not a lesbian. I don't want to be with a woman." Which is understandable. It's her sexual orientation, it's her life, it's her body. Yeah, in that context, that's how she says it. That my dad expected them to stay together, because after twenty years, being married. That's a long time. You form a friendship. I think that my dad thought that they were going to stay together, but my dad also didn't understand that my mom was losing the male part, but didn't really want to have a sexual relationship with a female part.

Bianca’s description of her parents’ relationship indicates an incongruence in their reactions to potential queering processes. However, in talking to both of them, Bianca is in the position of understanding how each of her parents constructs the ability to maintain a relationship through transition differently.

Additionally, Bianca feels that her mom’s resistance to her dad’s transition led to a lot of tension in the household. Bianca and one other participant, Sari, describe their parents as splitting up after a period of approximately two years of trying to stay together

77 following their trans parent’s disclosure. Each participant describes their households as tense and difficult between the beginning of transition and the split, and not wanting to be at home. Bianca reflects on this time:

Yeah, no it was a very hard situation. It was very difficult. I think it made a huge toll on their relationship and I didn't want to be home. I didn’t want to be home at all. And whenever I was home it was just hard. They would fight every day. Like I said, they both didn't really respect each other at all, because my dad wanted my mom to accept her as her, but my mom also wanted to keep that male form with her. It was very hard… And since we're a very close family, I took a lot of toll on that because my parents sometimes would come to me and ask me advice on how to deal with each other. I don't want to come between that. I have a relationship with both. I don't want to be part of that. I'm their daughter. I'm not their therapist.

Bianca’s experience with role-relational ambiguity (Tabor, 2018) appears to take on a different dimension, in that she finds herself placed between her parents’ conflict.

Although a higher level of conflict between parents at the time of transition does not appear to predict longer term parent-child conflict (White & Ettner, 2007)—Bianca does describe herself as having a “better relationship” with her dad since she disclosed her trans identity—this type of ambiguity has been particularly difficult for Bianca to navigate. Here, the ambiguity is not just with her trans parent, but with her parents together as a unit. While high-conflict divorce has been found to have detrimental effects on children’s well-being (Demo & Acock, 1988), experiencing changes in understandings of her parents’ gendered expectations, along with the ambiguity of her expectations as their daughter, has led Bianca to feel her dad’s transition has been detrimental to her family overall.

78 Sari, the other participant whose parents recently split, describes a similar incongruence in dealing with potential queering processes, in that her dad was resistant to changing family forms as she began transition:

I remember my mom told me she was having a difficult time, but she was really happy because she was in it with my dad and it wasn't about anything sexual anymore, but that was okay because maybe they didn't have romantic love even, but they still had that human relationship connection and that was enough for her… [My mom] said that one of the main struggles that they were having was that once my father realized that she's a woman, she also realized that she's heterosexual so she's interested in men… I know she believes that my mom deserves better than her because she couldn't love my mom in the way that my mom deserves, according to my father.

Shifting sexual preferences while taking hormones4 is well documented in some trans people (S. A. Davis & Meier, 2014; Serano, 2016), although Sari does not indicate that she knows whether her dad was attracted to men prior to beginning transition. It appears that Sari’s mom was willing to adapt to queering processes by giving her dad the space to experiment with seeing men, although Sari was unprepared for this possibility:

I walked downstairs and I found my dad on a dating site so that was definitely a moment that was very, I don't want to say traumatizing because it wasn't traumatizing, but it was up there in terms of affecting me in a negative way. And later I found out that, but I thought my father was cheating on my mom, that's the most obvious assumption. Then I later found out that my father had my mom's permission to do that…but it was still super freaky to walk in on that.

Sari’s initial assumption that her dad was cheating on her mom, rather than her parents’ exploration of an open marriage, is indicative of the normative assumptions of family

4 This specifically refers to trans people navigating sexual attraction to people of different gender identity(-ies) than they were attracted to prior to beginning hormones, and not necessarily a change in sexual identity or orientation.

79 surrounding monogamy in marriage (Allen & Mendez, 2018). For Sari, the idea of her parents having an open relationship is very uncomfortable, indicating she is also resistant to queering processes within her family.

Even with an open relationship, however, her dad still ended up requesting divorce, and throughout the two years since her dad came out to her mom, Sari observed the deterioration of her parents’ marriage.

When they said they were staying together, "Oh yeah, of course, why wouldn't you?" But then as...I think I have a unique perspective that my mother, father and sister do not have as someone who wasn't living in the house. Because I moved out halfway through everything going down, so I was able to look from the outside as I came home for like a week at a time. So when you see someone once a year and it's a kid and they get a foot taller every time…This sounds sad, but it is sad, I got to kind of watch the relationship deteriorate. So they seemed, and I think they were to an extent on pretty good footing at the time when they told me and my sister, when my dad came out…But anyway I could just like come home and see every step down, oh they're fighting and the next time my dad's avoiding my mom. So I kind of saw the separation coming which is something that no one else in the house did… I'm very sad about it just because it disrupted my family and changed my life.

Research on trans parents indicates that open dialogue between a trans parent and child can enable mutual support (Hines, 2006, p. 365), and that amicability between ex- partners who are parents can significantly affect their children’s emotional well-being

(2006, p. 366). Sari feels that her experience is that of an outside observer, through which she watched her parents’ relationship deteriorate even as they were unable to see it for themselves. The sadness Sari feels regarding the disruption of her family and life is compounded with the lack of communication and feeling as though she was left out of important decisions, which has also affected her relationship with her parents.

80 One additional participant, Sandra, describes transition as resulting in an overall breakdown of family functioning. Although Sandra says she believes her parents are planning to stay together, she feels it would be better for them to split up. She describes the feeling of tension in her family:

They were really, really sort of close. I think they had a really sort of, as far as we needed, some kind of ideal relationship…I mean now they're together, but I think they shouldn't be basically. They're sort of together, but there's no—it seems to do even more harm than good… I mean it sort of seems to just upset my mom more than it does make her happy. And sort of there's a lot of arguing, a lot of tension… I think it's tricky because it's been a few years since they've found out and they're still like always fighting, each of them miserable. But I think because they were so close before it's kind of hard to say goodbye to that. Positive relationships between parents during transition appear to be particularly important to the emotional well-being of their children, and research suggests that the relationship between parents significantly impacts how their children accept gender transition (Hines, 2006). Although Sandra describes her dad’s personality as having changed during the course of transition (see Chapter 3), Sandra’s difficulties regarding her dad’s transition are difficult to separate from the effects of the tension between her parents, and the conflict between her parents likely affects Sandra’s difficulty in accepting her dad’s transition. Bianca, Sari, and Sandra all describe their overall family functioning as deteriorating as a direct result of transition. Although research indicates that life events do not directly affect family functioning, they do intensify intrafamily strain (Lavee, Mccubbin, & Olson, 1987). Each of these three participants cites the tension and fighting between their parents along with resistance to queering processes as the root of the problem, which can directly affect the relationship they have with either or both of their parents, as well as their overall perception of their parent’s transition. These

81 findings support previous research that describes difficulty in disentangling effects of transition with effects of divorce (T. White & Ettner, 2007), however, the addition of incongruence in acceptance of queering processes adds a dimension that may lead to a better understanding of the difficulties some families face during a parent’s transition.

DISCUSSION Together with their parents, participants show how they navigate and renegotiate family forms, gendered expectations, and overall perceptions of family functioning. The choices participants make along with their parents indicate that they simultaneously challenge and uphold cultural expectations of gender, sexuality, family forms, and parental roles. Participants’ narratives indicate that they may embrace or reject family queering processes through their parent’s transition, and often end up doing a little of both. Participants’ discussions of queering processes within their families reflect an asymmetry of cis parental gender identities and cultural expectations of gender and sexuality within the family. Although few participants, like Suzie, explicitly describe their (previously straight-identified) cis mothers as having the potential to continue a sexual relationship with their trans women parents, several participants, like Jessica and Sierra, emphasize their parents’ love and bond. Adrienne Rich’s (1980) concept of the lesbian continuum covers both of these scenarios, as her definition of lesbianism emphasizes women’s bonding but does not necessarily require sexual acts. This is in stark contrast to hegemonic (heterosexual) masculinity, which is largely seen as inflexible (R. W. Connell & Messerschmidt, 2005), and may be a contributing factor to the relative lack of cis men parents represented in the study.

82 The discussion of gendered parental titles also reflects another asymmetry: that of the relative importance of motherhood and fatherhood within family formations. Several participants who continue to call their trans women parents “dad” do so because they make the distinction that their dad is not their mom. For example, Angie says “I already have a mom,” while Jenna recalls her dad saying, “Don’t do that to your mother” in her justification for wanting her children to continue to call her “dad” rather than calling her “mom.” In these instances—where participants have both a cis mom and a trans woman parent—it appears they prioritize the status of their moms while simultaneously diminishing the status of “dad.” It is possible that through queering processes in families with trans women parents, masculine assumptions of fatherhood are destabilized and “dad” is able to be associated with femininity, with its original meaning no longer relevant. Additionally, the emphasis on “mom” as a description of the closeness of their relationship rather than gender identity (as described by Alyssa) for participants with nonbinary parents destabilizes gendered associations of motherhood, but reinforces the importance of moms—and mom-child relationships— in family formation. The degree of open discussion of the various aspects of queering processes within the family appears to be particularly important to participants’ overall perceptions of their parent’s transition. Open communication among family members and openness to gender and sexual diversity among both parents appear to positively shape participants’ experiences regarding navigation of their parent’s transition and overall family functioning. Positive sibling relationships appear to be helpful in supporting participant navigation of transition, while exposure to gender nonconformity

83 in their parent prior to disclosure of trans identity appears to lessen the potential for negative emotions and reactions among family members. Participants who indicate detrimental effects of transition on the family cite a lack of space to navigate their parent’s transition that includes critiques on some of the changes to their family dynamics. This may lead to individual resistance to talking to their parent at all, lest they feel they have to ignore these changes, or that they will be uncomfortable in having to address them. As the parent-child relationship is a dyad, open communication between both parents and their children is a key issue in navigating transition as a family. For families in which parents plan to stay together through transition, such as Dena and Laura’s families, communication with both parents, as well as perceived communication between parents, appears to be particularly important to their children’s perceptions of transition’s overall effect on themselves and their families. In cases where their parents do eventually split up, participants cite tension between their parents as being detrimental to their experience of their parent’s transition overall. These findings are to be expected, as previous research indicates that tension between parents and ex-partners during and after transition may have negative effects on their children (Freedman et al., 2002; T. White & Ettner, 2007). Some long-term relationships and marriages will not survive one partner’s gender transition and that support and understanding is necessary for partners who do wish to stay together (James et al., 2016; Pfeffer, 2017; Samons, 2009), so amicability between parents is particularly important to children’s well-being (Hines, 2006). This chapter’s findings, however, suggest that people with trans parents—whether or not their parents split following disclosure of trans identity—need space to navigate their parent’s transition, and in

84 some cases may need to be allowed to be critical of their parent’s choices with the understanding that these critiques are not inherently unsupportive or transphobic. Rather, trans parents, their partners, and their children all need to acknowledge the changes each family member goes through individually and as a unit, which may require making adjustments as transition progresses. Most participants in this study, however, do not indicate that their parent’s transition has been detrimental to their families overall. Although a parent’s transition likely includes periods of adjustment for other family members and the family as a unit, participants’ stories indicate that transition does not need to be a long-term disruption to the family. Contrary to portrayals in popular media of trans identity as the ultimate betrayal to a partner or family (See Serano, 2016, p. 37), most participants’ narratives show that a parent’s transition does not necessarily cause major upheaval within family functioning, and in some cases, may even have positive effects on family functioning and the perceived strength of their parents’ relationship. These perceptions and discussions challenge traditional ideologies of hetero- and cisnormative family structures by demonstrating processes through which families do not just “survive” gender transition but thrive. Although there may be negative outcomes in any situation as indicated through some participants’ discussions, most participants in this study reflect on positive changes, or an understanding that, overall, transition is not central to the story of their lives or development. It is also important to note that these understandings may overlap or change over time, and families go through periods of adjustment, especially in the early stages of disclosure and transition. Transition may be the forefront of conversation early on, but research shows that over time, relationships between trans parents and their

85 children generally stay stable, and even when there is considerable conflict between parents at the time of transition, it generally does not negatively impact the child later (White & Ettner 2007). Overall, analysis of participants’ narratives indicates how parental gender transition challenges ideologies of family structures, especially as they relate to gender and sexualities.

86 Chapter 4

NAVIGATING THE CONTEXTUAL ENVIRONMENT

As a family goes through a parent’s gender transition, they navigate within- family dynamics as well as external social dynamics and broader ideologies regarding gender, sexuality, and families. Families are increasingly diversified along gender, sexuality, and marital status in the U.S., Canada, the U.K., and Australia, and public opinion is moving toward a more inclusive definition of who counts as a family— especially in terms of approval of same-sex marriage (Government of Canada, 2018;

Karp, 2017; Lambda Legal, 2015; Powell, Hamilton, Manago, & Cheng, 2016).

However, research shows that while some parents are able to compensate for potential difficulties of having a family form that differs from the two-parent, white, heterosexual, biological-parented families privileged in policy, some challenges may be difficult to overcome (Powell et al., 2016). Transgender-parent families may have difficulty dealing with transphobia, including discrimination and erasure, as well as the assumption that transition will negatively impact the mental health and well-being of the children (Pyne,

2012).

These ideologies influence family members’ decision-making around how and to whom they disclose their family member’s trans status, how they refer to their family member or address them in public, and how they engage in public discussions regarding transgender people, issues, and justice. People with trans parents have to navigate what to call their parent both at home and out in public, as well as if and how they tell others about their family, including friends and current or potential partners, who may or may not have already met their parent before they came out as trans.

87 In order to understand the navigation and negotiation processes of people with trans parents, their experiences must be situated within the social structure.

Cisnormativity, a term first introduced to address trans erasure in a medical environment

(Bauer et al., 2009), describes the “belief system that there are only two genders, that our bodies define our gender, and that our gender necessitates certain roles within families and society” (McGuire et al., 2016, p. 60). For example, when we hear someone called, “dad,” we expect that person to look like a man in body and in dress. We expect that a person’s gender can be determined by visual cues (Susan J. Kessler & McKenna,

1978), and assign gendered attributes such as pronouns and parental titles based on interpretations of visual cues, which are shaped by broader gender ideologies. These expectations and attributions, based on a rigid, essentialist, two-gender system, leave little room for trans people’s experiences, or for the fluidity of bodies, gender identities, and sexual identities.

Cisnormativity is upheld through laws and policies that simultaneously erase the existence and experiences of trans, gender nonconforming, and intersex people while privileging the existence of cisgender people. Recent debates on so-called “bathroom bills,” which posit trans women as an imagined source of threat to cisgender women and children (Schilt & Westbrook, 2015), places an assumption on genitalia as the basis of gender identity. Being cisgender is often associated with naturalness (Abbie E.

Goldberg & Kuvalanka, 2018), and leads to what Serano refers to as cissexual5 gender

5 Serano uses the term transsexual to “describe anyone who is currently, or is working toward, living as a member of the sex other than the one they were assigned at birth

88 entitlement (2016, p. 166). This entitlement leads cisgender people to “consider themselves to be the ultimate arbiters of which people are allowed to call themselves women or men” (Serano 2016, p. 166) based on social standards for gender normativity.

As trans people navigate social and cultural gender expectations in daily life, they are subjected to various ways in which they are held accountable for their gender presentation, not only in visual cues, but also in how they “do” gender during interactions with others (Susan J. Kessler & McKenna, 1978; West & Zimmerman,

1987). Recent work in trans studies indicates that gender inequality is reinforced during interactions with the medical community (Davis, Dewey, & Murphy, 2016; shuster,

2016), the local neighborhood and social community (Jauk, 2013; Pyne 2012), employers and co-workers (Schilt, 2010), and family and friends (Whitley, 2013). shuster (2017) suggests that dominant language systems play a role in regulating gender and maintaining gender inequality through discursive aggression, which they describe as “communicative acts used in social interaction to hold people accountable to social- and cultural-based expectations” (p. 481). While most work on accountability is focused on how cisgender people and social systems uphold cisnormativity through the experiences of trans people, few studies focus on the reactions and interpretations of the loved ones with whom trans people also navigate the social world. By centering the

(2016, p. 31).” She uses to term cissexual to describe “people who have only ever experienced their subconscious sex and physical sex being aligned” (2016, p. 33). For more on discussion of distinctions between her use of the terms transsexual, transgender, cissexual, and cisgender, please see Whipping Girl (Serano 2016, p.23- 34).

89 experiences of people with trans parents, who may be a source of support and allyship, we can begin to understand the processes through which they may empathize with their parents’ experiences as well as gaps in their observations and interpretations. For people with trans parents, observations and interpretations may be precluded or extended by positionality, cisgender privilege, or in the case of trans and non-binary participants, their own experiences dealing with cisnormativity. Additionally, by examining participants’ choices related to trans justice issues via social media, we can begin to understand how people with trans parents experience and interpret increasing trans visibility as it pertains to their own peer networks.

In this chapter, I will discuss the contextual environment in which people with trans parents’ experiences exist and the techniques they use to understand and navigate a cisnormative social life. First, I will explore participants’ experiences while out in public with their trans parent, including their observations and interpretations of how others treat their parents, as well as the ways they adapt in order to maintain their parents’ well-being. Second, I will explore participants’ experiences navigating their social worlds without their parents, including disclosure to their non-familial social networks. I will also discuss some participants’ use of the internet—particularly social media—as a tool to find support, support others, and discuss trans justice issues. I conclude this chapter with a discussion of the overlapping and distinct public roles of people with trans parents in relation to parents of trans children and partners of trans people.

90 Navigating Public Perception

Participants describe their experiences navigating public perception in two main situations: out in public with their trans parent present, and in discussion with others outside the family without their parent present. While in public, participants are able to observe their parents’ reactions and interactions. In their own interactions with their parent in public, they begin to understand some of the incongruencies between their private family life and public expectations. Some participants become protective of their trans parents, while others fear being labelled as unsupportive or at worst, transphobic if they express ambivalence about their parent’s transition.

In discussions with others outside the family, such as with their friends, participants have to choose to whom and how they disclose their parent’s trans identity.

While most participants select a small group of close friends to whom they disclose in order to act as a support system, some participants use social media to disclose their parent’s identity more broadly once their parent is openly trans online themselves.

While social media has greatly assisted in advancing trans visibility over the past several years, participants also have to navigate broader discussions of trans rights and justice online. For some, particular features of social media allow them to educate others or create a trans-affirming space void of detractors, while others try to avoid trans-related discussion on social media citing too much negativity and transphobia.

Participants’ experiences are reflective of cisnormative and transphobic ideologies that are pervasive across society. While few participants report instances of overt transphobia, some participants prepare for this possibility. More often, participants’ descriptions of events are reflective of subtle expressions of

91 cisnormativity, such as comments that privilege cisgender identities and bodies or prolonged staring. This singles out individuals who do not appear to be within the socially acceptable gender binary and/or those whose gender presentation does not fit cisnormative expectations.

In their discussion of experiences out in public with their parents, most participants focus on how others treat their trans parent, rather than their parents as a unit. This may be because participants feel protective or defensive of their trans parent relative to the general public, while most of the worry about their cisgender parent is related to private matters, such as mental health and the state of their parents’ relationship. While research on partners of trans people discusses the changes in how they are treated publicly, such as cis women partners of trans men feeling they are no longer accepted in the lesbian community due to appearance as a heterosexual couple

(Pfeffer, 2014), participants may not be as privy to these types of changes.

Public Perception of Gendered Parental Titles

In interactions with others, there is a shared understanding of the situation at hand through which all parties are expected to act in accordance (Goffman, 1959). As discussed in Chapter 3, the shared understandings of parental titles are largely situated within gender roles and expectations. Although most participants continue to use previous gendered parental titles for their trans parents at home (see Chapter 3), they generally come to the realization that they cannot do so while in public. For some participants, their parents directly tell them they should use first names or something other than their gendered parental title if it does not match their gender identity or

92 presentation. Participants often use first names instead when out in public, even if they do not do so at home. Jenna, whose dad is a trans woman, reflects on the first time she called her parent “dad” in public after she started presenting as a woman:

I remember taking dresses to her dressing room and saying, ‘Dad here try this on’ and she would get so upset, she's like, ‘Don't call me Dad in public don't call me Dad,’ it's like, ‘Okay...’ That was really hard I didn't know what else to call her, so calling her Denise just feels weird and I'm not comfortable with it, but I respect that when we’re in public together. It was just...it was weird.

Jenna’s discomfort in calling her dad by her first name is combined with an understanding that it is important to her dad to be read as a woman in public. Jessica’s dad was more specific in her reasoning for wanting to be called by her first name in public:

That was the thing I most struggled with when Dad came out. My dad and I have always been quite close. We do quite a few things together and it was just a conversation that we had…She just mentioned that it still can be confusing for some people if they can figure out that Dad is transgender and it's weird calling someone Dad who's a female so, in terms of keeping us having a decently low-profile and not making any trouble or anything, I've been taught to use Sherri.

Jessica’s and Jenna’s experiences are reflected in Petit, Julien, and Chamberland's

(2017, p. 290) research on trans parents. Of the ten trans parents in their study who gave their children leeway to keep the same gendered parental title through transition, eight reported being stricter when negotiating parental designations in public spaces, particularly in places they perceived as potentially unsafe or unwelcoming to gender diversity. While Jenna and Jessica each describe an understanding that calling their trans parent “Dad” while in public may be unsafe, each also reflects on the discomfort of calling them by their first names.

93 For some trans individuals, the ability to be read by others as appearing within the traditional gender binary is important. As West and Zimmerman (1987) suggest, individuals are constantly under the threat of being held accountable for their gender by others during interactional exchanges. Research shows that those who appear to be more visibly trans, or otherwise transgress the gender binary, are more likely to be harassed or experience violence (James et al., 2016; Jauk, 2013). Jessica and Jenna’s dads may fear retaliation if they are assumed or “discovered” to be trans, and so minimizing obvious gender transgressions—such as being women and getting called “Dad” in public—may be preferable. Although trans people engage in considerable “backstage” preparation in order to navigate “frontstage” interactions (Goffman, 1959) through which their gender identities and expressions are recognized (Nealy, 2017), Jessica’s and Jenna’s narratives suggest that SOFFAs (significant others, family, friends, and allies) also engage in backstage work to ensure that their trans loved ones’ interactions go smoothly.

Jessica’s recollection of her dad’s explanation alludes to the way she begins to understand how her dad constantly navigates through a cisnormative world. In her dad wanting to keep a “low profile” and “not making any trouble,” Jessica realizes there is danger in her dad being recognized as trans. As the disproportionate rates of violence against trans people—particularly trans women of color—have been brought to the forefront of public trans justice discourse by trans activists like Laverne Cox (Harvard

Foundation, 2014) and cisgender allies like Franchesca Ramsey (2018), family members of trans people acknowledge and sometimes fear for their loved ones’ safety and well-being (Pfeffer, 2017).

94 The understanding of their parents’ safety, combined with the question of what to call them while in public, may also be explained by Tabor’s concept of role-relational ambiguity, which she defines as “uncertainty that arises from changes in the roles and relational statuses that accompany a role partner’s identity transition” (2018, 4). Tabor explains that people struggle with having parents who transition their gender but not parental role as the ways we interact with “mothers” and “fathers” are so culturally scripted that in the perception of their children, gender transition may render both the parent’s role and relational status as ambiguous. For Jenna and Jessica, role-relational ambiguity is situational, in that cultural scripts related to the status and title of “dad” are incongruent with their dads’ gender identities and presentations. In calling their dads by their first names, their parent-child relationship is rendered invisible to others, an ambiguity which may explain some of the discomfort Jenna and Jessica feel.

Although cisgender people extend privilege to those whom they assume are cisgender, for trans people, this privilege is conditional in that it can be (and often is) taken away as soon as a trans person mentions—or someone determines—that they are trans (Serano, 2016, p. 169; Westbrook & Schilt, 2014). Serano refers to this as conditional cissexual privilege. Cis people “determine gender” (Westbrook & Schilt,

2014) by placing others into gender categories, and trans people may be considered a threat in some spaces—particularly those that are traditionally gender-segregated (Schilt

& Westbrook, 2015). In a cisnormative society, everyone is assumed to be cisgender until something happens to challenge this assumption. Although challenges to cisnormativity may happen within the home or in family contexts, people with trans parents may need to minimize those challenges in public in order to avoid conflict.

95 Having conversations in advance and in private (Petit et al. 2017) may help trans people to maintain their conditional cissexual privilege by allowing their children to prepare for situations in which they may unintentionally reveal their parents’ trans identity. For their children, however, some of the techniques—such as calling their parents by their first names—may lead to ambiguity and discomfort. This process, which challenges existing cultural scripts regarding parental roles and relationships and requires consideration of frontstage/backstage navigation (Goffman, 1959), is one that will likely take time for parents and children to become more comfortable.

Expectations and Interpretation of Microaggressions

While trans parents in previous research indicate that experiencing transphobia in the presence of their children is commonplace and stressful for both the parent and child (Pyne, 2012; Pyne, Bauer, & Bradley, 2015), participants in the present study report few blatantly transphobic encounters while with their trans parents. This may be due to the age of participants, as older teenagers and young adults are likely to spend more of their time outside the home with their peers than with their parents and therefore have fewer opportunities to experience discrimination first-hand. Some mention surprise when they do not notice what they would interpret as negative comments or behaviors from others, although they may notice some increased stares. Sandra, who lives in the UK, describes noticing prolonged stares, but also that she is impressed with how others treat her dad in public:

Yeah, I think people just stare a lot more. I definitely feel a lot more noticed, especially young children where they're at an age that they haven't been taught not to stare. So just you walk down the street and people will look at you a lot more, get more attention. I mean to be fair in

96 general I'm really impressed at the way people have been. Going into shops and things, people are happy for dad to go and try on clothes in the female changing rooms and things.

While Sandra describes her public experience with her dad, a trans woman, as generally positive, her discussion of feeling “noticed” and seeing young children stare are a manifestation of accountability not only for her dad’s gender presentation, but also by extension, Sandra’s own role and relation to her dad. Sandra says that she feels a lot more noticed, rather than just feeling her dad is more noticed, indicating an internalized sense of attachment of her own identity and presentation to her dad while out in public with her. However, she feels that others treat her dad well in their interactions, particularly in areas that could be susceptible to transphobic gatekeeping, such as gendered changing rooms. The contrast between enduring others’ staring and being welcomed to use women’s changing rooms is indicative of the subtlety of microaggressions.

Microaggressions, or behaviors and statements that communicate hostile or derogatory messages to members of marginalized groups, are often unconscious or unintentional (Nadal, Whitman, Davis, Erazo, & Davidoff, 2016). Trans people experience a variety of microaggressions in their daily lives, such as the denial of bodily privacy (e.g. being asked about genitals or prolonged staring) or denial of ability to self- identify (e.g. being called a gender honorific, such as “miss” or “sir,” that differs from a trans person’s gender expression or identity), which can have negative effects on their mental health and personal safety (Nadal, Skolnik, & Wong, 2012). Sandra’s experience, however, speaks to potential microaggressions participants may also encounter while out in public with their trans parents which serve to reinforce

97 cisnormativity. As partners of trans people have their relationship and identity called into question by others (Pfeffer, 2017), so may their children. Research indicates that trans parents often face the cisnormative and transphobic assumption that their transition will negatively affect the mental health and well-being of their children, (Pyne, 2012), so the attention Sandra feels may be a direct reflection of that ideology.

Several participants describe experiences similar to Sandra, in that they have noticed increased stares but think that their trans parent is treated “well overall.” It should be noted, however, that participants may not notice particular microaggressions that their trans parents experience, even when they are in public together. Only one participant, Christopher, reported that his parent noticed negative reactions when he did not:

[We went] out to lunch about a week ago or two weeks ago. I don't know, everyone seemed pretty normal about it. No one really—I didn't notice anything. Dad says she notices people staring at her and stuff, but I'm not always sure if that's true.

Christopher’s experience may be reflective of differential interpretation between participants and their parents due to the participant’s relative privilege. Additionally, this may reflect a lack of discussion between participants and their parents about the reactions of others in public, which may be a result of trans parents attempting to shield their children from transphobia (Pyne, 2012). In the absence of more overt negative behaviors or statements, participants may develop a more positive outlook on the state of public reactions to trans people while downplaying, misinterpreting, or simply overlooking the subtle ways trans people continue to be marginalized in a cisnormative society.

98 Trans and non-binary participants may be more in-tune to the microaggressions their trans parents experience than their cisgender counterparts, as it may reflect their own experiences. While all of the trans and non-binary participants (N=5) describe differences between their own experiences and those of their trans parents, some report having a connection with their parents through which they can relate to each other’s navigation through cisnormative society and microaggressions. Peyton, a trans man, explains a moment of solidarity with his adoptive dad, who is also a trans man:

Yeah, it feels like, so it really feels like he gets me on a certain level and he gets ... Like when I'm upset about something trans related or something I don't have to go into a lot of detail with him. I don't have to explain exactly what happened or exactly why I'm upset. I just have to be like, “You know the doctor called me Miss today.” That was yesterday and I'm still cranky about that because I pass pretty dang well now. And it's like, "How do you look me full in the face and call me Miss?" That's frustrating to me. But I just have to say a couple of words and he already gets it which means a lot.

While few studies specifically focus on the experiences of second-generation trans people, or trans people with trans parents, research on family members of trans people often examines gender development and sexual identity (Kuvalanka, 2013; McGuire et al., 2016), rather than potential experiences of empathy in navigating a heteronormative and cisnormative society. For Peyton, this solidarity with his dad in an important part of his experience as a trans man in that he can come home and reflect with his parent after experiencing microaggressions. Trans people may be able to achieve this solidarity with trans peers and chosen family (Bailey, 2013; Hines, 2007).

Although trans and nonbinary participants report more understanding of microaggressions than their cisgender counterparts, some cisgender participants who do notice microaggressions describe feeling the need to react. These participants tend to

99 describe themselves as not only vocal in their support of their parent, but also more confident in their support. Bianca describes a situation when she noticed two men staring at her dad while out to dinner with her parents:

We went to dinner and we had a good time and then we were sitting across from the bar. While we were leaving there were two guys, obviously gay because they were kissing or whatever, and they were staring, staring at my dad. When I mean staring I mean like, it was very disrespectful in my eyes. I just wanted to go there and just talk to them like, "Do you have a problem, blah, blah, blah." It's like a protective daughter that came out, I guess, for me.

Bianca does not describe why she decided not to say anything in that instance, though it is possible that if she had, it might have made either or both of her parents upset or otherwise created an unsafe situation for her dad by drawing attention to her. Bianca’s protective instincts are restrained through emotion work, in which she internalizes her negative reactions and suppresses her emotions (Hochschild, 1990). Having to perform emotion work to prevent further discomfort for herself and her parents is indicative of how a marginalized identity may extend in its consequences to family members.

Jeffrey, however, feels he has made specific choices in how to deal with unwanted attention toward his dad. He describes two different instances and settings where he and his dad, a trans woman, have gotten stares:

I mean we definitely get stares—and it can sometimes be a little uncomfortable, I mean there’s people that start whispering. But again, excuse my language, but fuck em. You know, it’s not—you know—it’s not their concern, my dad’s life does not affect them in any way, shape or form, um, so it’s one of those things you just smile and wave and kill em with kindness—you know just—I’ve had it happen before, I mean when we went to—I think we went to breakfast one time you know, the spot we always like to, and this guy was just staring—staring, so I finally just started staring back and I think he finally got the cue. So when we were leaving, you know, he kept staring and I said, “can I help you?” and he

100 goes, “No.” I said “okay, if you have any questions feel free to ask,” and he goes, “No I don’t have any questions.” So okay, and then we left.

Jeffrey, a cisgender white man and former police officer, wields gender and racial privilege that allow him to take control in each situation. Jeffrey has a much less aggressive response to the nail salon workers and patrons than he does to the man in the diner, which may be due to the cultural expectations of salons to be spaces centered on women’s physical and emotional care (Kang, 2003). Disrupting the care environment of the salon would have likely caused unwanted attention and discomfort for both

Jeffrey and his dad, so he chose to suppress his emotions in that space. In the diner environment, however, Jeffrey might have felt this type of emotion work (Hochschild,

1990) was less necessary. While Bianca might not have wanted to call further attention to her dad, her parents as a unit, or herself, Jeffrey’s social standing as a white man and background as a police officer may have given him more power and therefore confidence in direct confrontation.

Sierra, who lives in the southern U.S., says she has prepared herself for a physical altercation if necessary. She feels her area is not necessarily safe for trans people and says when she goes anywhere with her dad, “I have a Louisville slugger in my car and I enter a defensive, watchful position when we go somewhere. I'll punch someone's lights out if I gotta. I just kind of stay on my guard.” While few participants have thought out a specific plan as Sierra describes, they may prepare themselves in anticipation of a negative or transphobic response to their parent while out in public.

Sierra’s parents recently moved to an area of the U.S. she describes as being more accepting, and she is less worried about them there, but she continues to feel similarly

101 protective of her trans and non-binary friends who live in her area. This sense of protectiveness is both echoed by and distinct from parents of trans children, who may wish to protect their children from negative consequences of appearing socially deviant, ranging from social stigma and emotional harm to physical violence and harassment

(Meadow, 2018). However, while parents in Meadow’s study describe protecting their school-age children, participants’ feelings toward their parents are complicated by their parents’ status and agency as adults.

Although few participants report blatantly transphobic events reported in previous studies on trans parents (See Pyne 2012; 2014), the microaggressions they describe indicate the pervasiveness of cisnormativity. The prolonged stares and comments that subtly erase, threaten, or call into question trans bodies and experiences are representative of broader assumptions that gender identity matches sex assigned at birth, and that people whose identity does not reflect assigned sex are abnormal or out of place. Trans and non-binary participants report bonding with their trans parents over shared experiences of microaggressions. Cisgender participants may begin to recognize the problematic nature of cisnormativity through microaggressions, yet the question remains about what to do when they happen. While several participants mention becoming defensive of their trans parent or preparing for a situation in which they might need to confront negative behavior, only Jeffrey discusses a time where he reacted within a public situation in which he felt his dad was being disrespected. Navigating how to deal with microaggressions as they happen is difficult for people with trans parents, as they may want to protect their parent, but also realize that doing so may be unsafe for them and their parent.

102 Noticing and managing reactions to microaggressions toward their parents, such as staring or insensitive comments, requires participants to engage in considerable emotional suppression and restraint. The combination of social and cultural expectations for gender, and the ever-present accountability structures to which people are held to these normative expectations (West & Zimmerman, 1987), have been well-documented as a challenge and a constraint for trans people (Garrison, 2018; Abbie E. Goldberg &

Kuvalanka, 2018; Johnson, 2016; shuster, 2017). Dealing with and responding to microaggressions may negatively impact trans people in terms of their health and mental health. And, in some cases, can jeopardize their safety. However, the similar emotion work in which people with trans parents engage is often overlooked in the extant literature. While in public with their parents, participants who experience these microaggressions simultaneously balance their instinct to protect their parent with the understanding that the protection they want to give might draw even more unwanted attention to both of them.

Experiences with Broader Public

Disclosure to Others

In addition to the emotion work in which participants engage while with their parents, they also have to manage the flow of information and emotional responses without their trans parent present. When a parent comes out as trans, their children have to make a decision—often, a series of decisions—whether and how to tell others (that the parent would not have already told, e.g. extended family) about their parent’s identity. This decision-making process appears to be guided by two main questions:

103 Who needs to know, and what do they need to know? How might they react and why?

For some participants, the answers to these questions lead them to avoid disclosing to those outside the family, while others choose a select few in hopes that they will become a support network. Some participants tell more people over time, with a few even writing about their parents on social media once their trans parent is out publicly.

Although Dena, who was 10 years old when her parent transitioned and living in a conservative and religious area, describes significant bullying by her peers due to her parent’s transition, most participants were in high school or college when their parent came out and do not describe being bullied because of it. Early stages of parental disclosure and early transition may be a confusing time for the family, and so several participants recall not telling anyone about their parent, as they were unsure of what to say at the time. Meredith, who was 14 when her parent came out as a trans woman, remembers the thought of telling her friends as stressful:

I was in a very difficult place, but it was very hard to explain with my friends and I think that was the hardest part. I don’t think it was personally me dealing with it I think it was like, well how do I explain this to someone? Because I get it and it's fine, but I was like, she's the same person obviously, nothing is really gonna change that much but it's just the little things. Like when people…“Oh like your mom and dad,” I'm like, “I don't have a dad.”…It’s weird so for me, it doesn't seem like it should be that complicated to explain but I don't know, I felt like I struggled with it a lot to think about it. Like, oh my friends are going to be weird about it… maybe I should not say anything at all… and I don't want to have to just sit them down and like, “Okay guys, let’s have a talk about”…but especially if people—if somebody's going to come over, it's like, “okay got to have like the speech prepared.”

While Meredith is much more comfortable talking about her parents with friends as a college student—especially being heavily involved with the LGBTQ+ community herself—her stress as a teenager came from difficulty understanding and explaining

104 trans people and transition more broadly along with the knowledge that her parents would no longer appear to be a heterosexual couple. As will be discussed further in

Chapter 5, Meredith feels she did not have the vocabulary or understanding to describe her situation at the time. However, the cisnormative and heteronormative expectations of society—through which people are assumed to have one cis male and one cis female parent, Meredith found herself having to figure out for herself how to explain her changing family structure to her friends and potentially manage any negative responses she receives.

Most participants disclose their parent’s trans identity, at least within the first few years, to a select group of close friends they believe will be supportive, or others they feel need to know, like romantic partners. For some, this source of support has been invaluable through their parent’s transition. Jenna describes her home as tense at times early on in her dad’s transition, and that her best friend’s parents served as an escape when needed.

My best friend's parents actually kind of became my second parents through a lot of it because I would, I did not want to be in the house for a lot of stuff that was going on, so I would go over to their house. They were only a couple blocks away, just let myself in make a sandwich watch a movie with her parents didn't matter if she was home or not.

Sandra describes a similar situation with her friends, in that they could provide an escape for her:

I think just constantly being there for someone to talk to. Just always sort of showing love and my friends in the early days would make me dinner or just being there and being able to talk to. And say if it's difficult at home, going and staying at a friend's for a bit which is sort of having someone to run to and talk to.

105 In addition to needing to have time to process their parent’s transition for themselves, both Jenna and Sandra recall tension in their households in the early part of their parent’s transition, especially between their parents. Both describe having supportive friends to talk to about their parents as well as being able to get out of the house during times of intense stress as helpful. Having their own closely-knit support network, as well as the opportunity to briefly leave a stressful situation when needed, may allow people with trans parents to better process their own emotions.

Most participants discuss having to disclose their parent’s trans identity to romantic partners, knowing that their partner has already met their parent pre-transition, or that their parent’s trans status is a fundamental part of the makeup of their family.

Some participants feel that their partner does not seem to care that their parent is trans, or that it does not generally change their relationship. While some participants wait to see if a relationship is going to become serious before choosing to disclose to their partner, some participants describe being accepting and understanding of their parent as a condition of a relationship becoming serious. Jenna describes telling her husband about her dad early on in their relationship:

I really, really liked him, so about two or three weeks into dating I told him about my dad, I was like, “This is kind of how my family is, and if it's not something you're okay with I understand, excuse me, I understand but I want it to end, like I want this to end before… I want, I want you to know before it gets much further in case we end it and it's not like tragic heartbreak.”

For people with trans parents like Jenna, who require acceptance of their family as a condition of their relationship, this may be a way to protect not only themselves from added stress of having to deal with a partner’s resistance to their trans parent, but also a

106 way to protect their parents by attempting to avoid bringing home the overt transphobia and more subtle microaggressions they already experience out in the world.

Participants who are more personally involved with the LGBTQ+ community may find that they tend to choose partners who will be more supportive of their parent in the way they are supportive of them. Sierra, who along with her husband is a member of the furry community, describes her disclosure to him:

I do remember having a conversation with [my husband] like, "Dad's transitioning. Use female pronouns." He kind of went, "Okay." Both of us have been in the furry6 community long enough that it's a place that tends to accumulate trans people I guess because there's some value in escaping in a different body. I guess we both had enough exposure at that point that it was just, "Eh, okay. Now this is just happening closer to home, but it's fine."

Sierra and her husband both identify as pansexual, a sexual orientation that encompasses an attraction towards all regardless of sex or gender (see discussion in Gonel, 2013), so they are both already understanding of the fluidity of gender and sexual identities. As expected, other queer and trans participants—particularly those whose partners also identify as LGBTQ+, have similar experiences disclosing their parent’s trans identity.

6 The furry fandom (also referred to as “furries”) “describes a diverse community of fans, artists, writers, gamers, and role players. Most furries create for themselves an anthropomorphized animal character (fursona) with whom they identify and can function as an avatar within the community” (www.furscience.com/whats-a-furry/). Research suggests that furries identify as transgender, genderfluid, and nonbinary at rates considerably higher than the general population, and furries broadly feel that gender diverse people are well-accepted within furry fandom (https://furscience.com/research-findings/demographics/1-3-sex-and-gender/)

107 Some participants, however, describe their partners as less supportive of their parent. Bianca describes her experience telling her boyfriend about her dad’s trans identity:

He was shocked and he still tells me that he sees my dad as a male. He does tell me, "I'll never see your dad as a woman."…I do wish that he'd be more understanding obviously, but at the same time that's who he is. He does come from a traditional family. I can't change the way he feels… I guess I embraced the fact that he sees it differently too, because it's different. It's different than what I think, so it's interesting to learn from that too and see how he feels. As long as he's respectful to my dad, which he is, all is good.

Bianca’s wish to support her dad and her acceptance of her boyfriend’s views are currently in a delicate balance, which could negatively impact her relationship with either or both should something change. While Bianca wishes her boyfriend were more understanding of her dad’s transition, she has also accepted his lack of understanding by saying that he acts “respectfully” when they are together with her dad, although she only vaguely describes what this means: “I mean my dad's really open to my boyfriend, so a normal relationship. They're not closer than you would think, they're not more apart than you would think.” Although some participants like Jenna and Sierra take precautions to avoid having partners who are not understanding of their parents’ trans identities, Bianca chooses to manage her emotions in a way that is accommodating to her boyfriend that she finds acceptable in her support of her dad. However, it is possible that Bianca’s boyfriend—if not her as well—engage in microaggressions around her dad that she cannot otherwise detect.

For people with trans parents, disclosure outside of the family may be purposeful in order to have a support network and a way to process their emotions and the changes

108 in their family. However, disclosure may also be a source of stress or anxiety, which has been indicated in previous research on people with lesbian, gay, and trans parents

(Clarke and Demetriou, 2016; Kuvalanka, Leslie, & Radina, 2014). The choice to disclose their parent’s trans identity is a reflection of not only their own emotions regarding their parent, but also challenges others’ assumptions about their family. When parents plan to stay together through one parent’s transition, their children not only have to disclose their trans parent’s identity, but also that the assumed sexual orientation of their parents as a unit is changing. While participants rarely mention discussing that aspect of their family specifically with their friends, they often use phrases like “this is how my family is” as an all-encompassing phrase inclusive of that aspect of their parents’ relationship. Participants tend to be uncomfortable thinking about or explicitly discussing their parents’ sexualities, and therefore it is not surprising that they would also avoid the subject with their friends, as well as in the way they recount those conversations within interviews for this study.

Social Media Visibility and Utilization

For some participants, social media has been a valuable outlet for discussing their own experiences and learning more about the experiences of their parents and the trans community. The recent rise in trans visibility can be at least partially attributed to the use of the internet—particularly social media—by trans activists, celebrities, and trans-serving organizations. While trans youth often use the internet for self-discovery and community (Fox & Ralston, 2016), there is little research on trans family members’ use of social media for trans-related content. Nearly all participants have had some

109 interaction with trans justice issues on social media, and some have become engaged with trans social media activism themselves. While some participants have tried to avoid trans-related issues on social media, citing too much negativity in comments, only one participant—Jeffrey—says that his only social media engagement is an occasional post for his business, so he has not had any interactions with trans-related issues.

COLAGE, a US-based organization created to support people with LGBTQ+ parents, has resources and a secret Facebook group specifically for people with trans parents. The membership for this group is by invite-only and unable to be seen on members’ profiles, so the directions to join are listed on COLAGE’s website. COLAGE also offers programming, camps, and an annual family week for people with LGBTQ+ parents. One participant7 describes how the group is helpful:

So, basically COLAGE is the only thing that I really found at all which is a shame. It would be really nice if there were more resources and a wider variety of resources, but the Facebook group has been nice. I haven't used it a lot or anything. It's not a particularly active group but it is nice to see. Especially because there are people who are [at] a lot of different stages both in their own journey and also their parents’ journey. It's interesting at least to see where different people are at and how they react and also what they have to deal with in the course of their lives.

While the participants who have been involved with COLAGE feel that it has been a useful tool, they also acknowledge that it is one of few resources available, and they wish that there are more resources available for people with trans parents. However, of the 20 participants in the study, only four had ever been involved with COLAGE. Some participants indicated that they did not seek out any resources after their trans parent’s

7 Pseudonym withheld to preserve anonymity of COLAGE members

110 disclosure, and some brought up their parent’s disclosure/transition in personal therapy rather than seeking out additional or internet-based resources. It is also possible that due to the relatively small size of the organization or specificity of COLAGE’s services, that participants’ parents, therapists, or schools would not know of its existence.

Another participant feels that both accessing the COLAGE Facebook group as well as counseling to address feelings of guilt were particularly helpful:

I always find like—I was really shocked—I always find sometimes if people are finding it really easy, some people adjust quickly. And then in some ways I find that difficult because it's like so I'm really struggling with that, and it's kind of like, why am I reacting this way if other people aren't? But it's interesting to see other people with similar experiences, with the whole sort of, my dad struggles to see why we find it hard and it's interesting to see that other people have found that, yeah… [Counseling] was useful because a lot of it is I felt guilty for struggling to accept it. So I think it was just useful to get that sort of, almost someone to be like it's understandable to find it difficult. Because I was feeling really bad, genuinely trying to be accepting of diversity and feeling guilty for the way I reacted to it and for struggling. So it's helped just to sort of to have someone completely non-biased who I can talk to just to understand is really helpful.

With relatively few resources available for people with trans parents, along with the dearth of space in which family members can feel safe in discussing their ambivalence, the erasure of complex emotions and a lack of attention on SOFFAs’ processes of adjustment may contribute to the difficulties people with trans parents have in acting as part of their parents’ support networks.

Previous research indicates techniques people with trans parents may use to resolve difficulties with their trans parent, such as the ambiguities in changing relationships (Tabor 2018). Veldorale-Griffin’s (2014) findings suggest that people with trans parents desire someone to talk to and relate with as well as better professional

111 therapeutic help. She notes that one participant feels therapy would “allow others in the family system to have resistance, doubt, etc., without my father just reacting to that”

(2014, p. 491). While the COLAGE Facebook group may be helpful to people with trans parents for seeing a broader range of experiences and reactions of their similarly- situated peers, the relatively small size and inactivity of the group reveals limited access to those who may be more understanding and supportive of the complexities in going through a parent’s transition.

Some participants mention throughout their interviews that they have never talked to anyone else who had a trans parent, and they felt as though others could not relate to their situation. The COLAGE Facebook group, in particular, is one of few resources specifically created to connect children of trans parents with one another, although there are other social media-based groups and forums for family members and allies of trans people more broadly. Three of the participants who had involvement with

COLAGE found the resource through an internet search, while the fourth heard about it through word-of-mouth. People with trans parents are not part of a single community, nor is there a simplified way for them to reach each other. Participants may or may not identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community themselves, and their parents’ need for privacy or discretion may prevent participants from engaging with trans-related issues on social media.

As expected due to the direct impact on their lives and well-being, trans and nonbinary participants report more engagement with trans justice issues on social media than their cisgender counterparts. Peyton, Mike, Taylor, and Robyn all post events, engage in social media-related activism, and openly discuss some of their own

112 experiences and opinions as trans people. However, few of them post specifically about having a trans parent in order to protect their parent’s privacy. Peyton talks about some of his trans justice and education posts online:

I also get a lot of people coming to me like, "Can you help me to figure out—like I think I might be trans, can you answer some questions?" Or I had a girl come to me recently, "I've never told anybody about this, but I think I might be a girl." So I really like what I do even though it can be a pain because right now I can't physically be out and about doing more physical protests and stuff. I try to make a good safe space where I can… I know that some people who know me in real life follow me and some of my mom's friends do and so I don't want to out [my dad] to them potentially.

Although Peyton actively posts about trans justice issues and education on Facebook and Tumblr as a form of activism, he does not specifically discuss having a trans parent himself because he wants to avoid outing his dad. As a trans person himself, Peyton is empathetic to the frustration of being outed without his consent. Although collective visibility of the trans community may be seen by some as necessary for overall increased social awareness of trans issues, individual visibility continues to have damaging consequences for trans people (Hines, 2007).

Some participants discuss following their trans parent’s lead in term of public disclosure. Two participants report posting on social media about their trans parent, once their parent has self-identified as trans on their own social media page. Bianca recalls her Facebook post about her dad:

Then after my dad decided to be more open about it and actually going into public to be herself in public and everything, I actually posted about it. I didn't want to make it a secret, so I posted a picture of her and I said, "Here, this is my dad. I want to introduce to you [her name]…my transgender dad." I've never had any negative comments, I've never had anyone say something negatively like, "That’s gross." I've only, like, "Cool." Just normal happy, loving reactions…It was more like, "That's so

113 cute. Love, sending love." Yeah, it was very positive. Which makes me happy.

Bianca, along with Mike who made a similar post for his trans parent, both claim to have received only positive and loving reactions from their social networks. Both

Bianca, who is cis, and Mike, who is transmasculine, have a lot of LGBTQ+ friends so their social media networks are likely friendly to trans-related posts.

Most cisgender participants report having LGBTQ+ friends who post about trans issues, so although they may not generate as much material, they actively choose whether to engage with others’ posts by reading, re-posting, or “liking” them. Some cisgender participants, like Suzie, have become more active in social media-based trans justice since their parent has come out, although she has not specifically posted about her trans parent:

I wouldn't have posted things about transgender issues before she transitioned, and now I definitely do more obviously cause it's so close to home… I don't really post a lot. If I see something every once in a while I'll share it cause I feel it's good to make people aware of these little parts of coming out as transgender and what these people are going through so I think it's good to share information.

Similarly, Jenna discusses posting about controversial “bathroom bills,” in which several states have attempted to pass laws forcing people to use restrooms as defined by the sex listed on their government-issued identification (Schilt & Westbrook, 2015):

I think I made one post when President Trump was talking about the bathroom bill, I got so fired up about it, maybe it was the bathroom, he was talking about something I would have to go back and look. But, I remember going on and just saying people are people, I don't know why everyone's trying to villainize…Leave them alone and just treat them as human beings like we all have to share this planet. It was a very emotional post I think.

114 For both Suzie and Jenna, trans justice issues have become important after learning that their parent is trans. Cis people with trans parents can use social media as a tool through which they can engage with and share support for trans people and educate others about trans issues. However, the education in which participants engage appears to be geared more toward an audience they perceive as already being perceptive, rather than an audience they perceive as hostile.

Several participants describe taking steps to avoid seeing or interacting with overt transphobia on social media wherever possible. Some “unfriend” or “block” people who have written posts or comments participants perceive as transphobic, while others avoid accepting friend requests from extended family members who might be less supportive of their trans parent, or for trans participants, their own experiences.

For some participants, avoiding people who make transphobic comments on social media is fairly easy. As expected, based on previous research (See Gray, 2009;

Tropiano, 2014), trans and nonbinary participants discuss doing this for themselves in order to create a virtual safe space. Although queer youth are still susceptible to bullying online, social media can provide a haven from isolation and rejection queer youth often experience while exploring their gender and sexual identities (G. Downing, 2013).

However, cisgender participants also describe taking part in the practice of unfriending or blocking people who make transphobic posts or comments. Suzie, for example, says,

“Some people from high school that I really didn't even know, some of the guys will post just dumb stuff [about transgender people], and I'll just unfriend them.” Similarly,

Jenna says she has been using this practice since her dad came out:

115 I think people on my Facebook feed that used to post like negative or anti trans stuff I just deleted them because there's no point in getting into an argument with those people over social media, it's not going to change their mind. And, I didn't want to see it so I just removed them.

Research shows that even when ideological groups are presented with corrective information about their views, they are unlikely to change their perceptions and in some cases, double down on their opinions. This “backfire effect” (Nyhan & Reifler, 2010) may prevent people with trans parents from wanting to use social media as an education tool. Rather, they may use social media as a way to take part in supportive online discussions about trans justice issues without having to deal with detractors.

While trans people may curate safe spaces to exist online and within networks on social media outlets, some people with trans parents appear to be making similar choices. Although current research suggests that unfriending or unfollowing another person due to differing political opinions is relatively rare, those who are more ideologically extreme or politically active are more likely to engage in unfriending/unfollowing behavior (Bode, 2016; John & Dvir-Gvirsman, 2015; Rainie

& Smith, 2012). While unfriending in particular can be tricky to navigate due to its use outside of politics as well as its implications for family and friend networks, ties that are already weak to begin with—such as the guys from Suzie’s high school—are easily dissolved (John & Dvir-Gvirsman, 2015). Trans people and their friends and family members who feel strongly about trans justice might feel more inclined to unfriend or unfollow people they perceive as transphobic or otherwise unsupportive of trans people and their rights.

116 DISCUSSION

While much of the current literature on SOFFAs is focused on parents of trans children and partners of trans adults, people with trans parents play a different role in the lives of their trans loved ones. Parents of trans children are positioned to actively participate in and at least partially control decision-making regarding trans identity, such as medical intervention, advocacy in family, school, and medical settings, or purchasing of clothing and toys (Meadow, 2018; A. Travers, 2018). Partners of trans people, who may or may not take part in their partner’s decision-making, have to negotiate their identity as an individual and as a couple individually and within social settings (Pfeffer, 2017). People with trans parents, however, have less of a prescribed social obligation to be advocates for their parents (though this may change as their parents continue to age), and are not defined in relation to their parents’ identities. Yet, the reliance of trans parents on their children as support (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014) and the potential difficulties in navigating their parent’s transition and changing parent-child relationship dynamics and definitions (Tabor 2018) suggest the potential for people with trans parents to play a larger role in their parents’ transitions than currently examined.

As a potential source of allyship and support for their parents and the broader trans community, the perspectives of participants indicate the complex nature of their positionalities. Participants’ discussions of navigating their parent’s trans identity and transition begin to expose the incongruency between the public and private realms of their lives. People with trans parents process the changes in their parent, family member relationships, and family dynamics at home while simultaneously navigating how these changes translate to the social world. Any cisnormative ideologies participants’ families

117 challenge at home—such as continuing to call a trans woman parent “Dad” while using she/her pronouns—are then brought back out to the forefront in public situations.

Ultimately, this chapter reveals some ways that participants express the effects of having a trans parent on the way they navigate their own social networks. Participants appear to contribute to their parent’s gendered accountability processes while simultaneously engaging in emotion work to manage their own reactions to perceived microaggressions and anticipated negative responses directed toward their parent. Indeed, people with trans parents must balance the support they have for their parents with cisnormative/heteronormative ideologies that shape and constrain their navigation processes.

118 Chapter 5

NAVIGATING AND NEGOTIATING SELF-CONSTRUCTION

People with trans parents occupy a unique position in society, as they must grapple with competing cultural discourses regarding trans identity and family relationships. Norwood (2013, p. 173) describes four competing discourses with which family members of trans people must contend as they make meanings through which they understand their trans loved one’s identity: (1) having a family member who is presumably looking for support, (2) stigmatized trans identity within society, (3) judgment-imposing social networks, and (4) their own belief systems regarding gender identity. These discourses guide how individuals construct trans identities in light of their allegiance to their trans family members, possibility of judgment from others, and their own meaning systems of gender and sexuality. People with trans parents have an additional discourse regarding expectations of the parent-child relationship, which includes nuance of individual and family dynamics as well as broader cultural expectations regarding love, care, and protection (Chodorow, 1978). As discussed in previous chapters, all participants recognize that their trans parent seeks support from family members and that trans identities are stigmatized within society. In this chapter, I discuss how participants construct their parents’ identities and the relationship between the meanings they make regarding their parents as well as their own identities. The meanings participants make regarding their trans parent’s identity, which then shape how they react, support, and navigate their parent’s disclosure and transition (Norwood, 2013b), are influenced by their relationship with their parent, their personal understanding of gender and sexuality, and the knowledge

119 of stigmatization of trans people in society. These may influence or be influenced by the meanings participants make regarding their own gender and sexual identities. Generally, participants view themselves as being supportive and loving of their trans parents and envision themselves as being supportive of the trans community more broadly. For some, this understanding comes with a reconceptualization of their own gender and sexual identities as they watch both parents navigate the meaning of gender and sexuality through transition. Most participants, however, feel that the biggest change to their self-conception has been an increase in a self-conception of empathy toward both the trans community and family members of trans people. Empathy toward the former is a result of loving and supporting their trans parent, while the latter comes from their own experience of navigating their parent’s transition, their interpretations of their cis parent’s and siblings’ experiences, and the lack of resources dedicated toward supporting SOFFAs—especially people with trans parents—through transition. Historically, the study of empathy has often fallen under psychology rather than sociology. Although sympathy has been examined in sociology by Mead, Addams, and Smith (as discussed by Ruiz-Junco, 2017), sociologists such as Cooley ([1909] 1983) and Hochschild (2016) examine empathy as not just understanding the suffering and injustices experienced by others, but also personally identifying with them. Clark describes empathy as an “imaginative leap into the minds of others” (Clark, 1997, p. 34), which requires the recognition of and emotional responses to others’ difficulties. Ruiz-Junco (2017) distinguishes different types of empathy, which include empathy frames (moral claims involving shared values), empathy rules (learned and internalized expectations of empathy), and empathy performance (how individuals display empathy, and are evaluated by others). Although not all participants feel a direct connection to

120 the trans community via their parent, all recognize that the issues surrounding trans rights and broader public discourse on the trans community are relevant to their lives and their family. Although participants see empathy as an important and positive way that their parent’s transition has shaped their lives, it becomes somewhat of a paradox when situated within the research on trans people’s self-regulation of gender- and self- expression. Many participants’ descriptions of their trans parent’s gender expression, including discussions of interactions with them, suggest that people with trans parents attempt to challenge oppressive ideologies surrounding gender through their love and acceptance, but paradoxically reinforce cisnormative regulation of expression through normative gender and transgender ideologies. In this chapter, I introduce the concept of cisnormative empathy to discuss the importance of empathy as a precursor to support and acceptance, while also suggesting that combined with actions underpinned by cisnormativity, such as gender policing or discussions of trans identity as a debate (i.e., “seeing both sides,”), may be counterproductive to the needs of trans loved ones and the trans community as a whole. As cisnormative frames through which cis people navigate and negotiate their understandings of trans issues often hold trans people to normative and essentialist standards of sex and gender identity and expression (Garrison, 2018; A. H. Johnson, 2016; Mathers, 2017), unchecked cis empathy may unintentionally reinforce these standards by rooting it in—rather than challenging--cisnormativity.

ON LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, AND ACCEPTANCE

All participants describe themselves as wanting to support their parents through transition—including love and acceptance for their trans parent. Several participants describe directly telling their trans parent that they love and support them in hopes that

121 their parent would feel more comfortable. For example, Mike reflects on his response to his Maddy’s (trans woman parent) disclosure of her trans identity on social media:

“She posted it on Facebook. I read through the post and, of course, I commented on it— this big long congratulation. ‘I still love you, I support you and everything you do’ comment.” Similarly public posts and comments of support may have similar positive effects to those in online support groups, where individuals with stigmatized identities can find encouragement, information, and empathy (Barker, 2008; M. White & Dorman,

2001).

Participants often reflect on the necessity of support for their parent, which they then generalize to trans people’s need for supportive family members. When asked what advice Taylor would give to someone who just learned their parent is transgender, she focused heavily on some of the personal difficulties trans people experience during transition:

Definitely love and support. Definitely, definitely, definitely…Minus all of the social and political aspects, transitioning within yourself is hard because you pretty much have to let go of everything you're used to and start to become uncomfortable with yourself. My dad said the beginning of his transition, the first few months of hormones was difficult. It was uncomfortable. There were new feelings, going through puberty all over again. And so, that was something difficult and something that he needed support with, and something that just reassuring him and reassuring his identity, even to this day, helps. So, love and support, most definitely.

Taylor’s insistence on the need for encouragement is reflected in studies on trans people who feel that their partners, parents, and children are primary and/or important sources of support (J. B. Downing, 2013; James et al., 2016; Zamboni, 2006). However, for some participants, this love and support is in conflict with the discomfort they feel in

122 knowing how difficult the transition may be. Noah reflects on his reaction to his dad’s

(trans woman) disclosure:

Well I told her that I didn't love her any differently. That I still loved her. She still—she was then still the same person. And one of the brothers basically said the same thing…And then I told my fiancée… She was surprised too, thankfully [laughs]. It made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. Just because I knew that like, everything was going to change… I knew that my relationship with my father would change and I knew that the guy that I really looked up to, being my father—being the man that he was, I knew that he would basically be gone. Noah’s love for his dad is in conflict with the discomfort he feels in the anticipated shifts in their relationship during transition related to both gender identity and the parent-child relationship (Tabor, 2018). Noah’s description of his initial fears regarding his dad’s transition is indicative of a rigid, binary understanding of gender roles and identities as well as the assumption that their shared masculinity is the basis of their relationship. Although participants largely want to support their parent, balancing love and support with navigation and negotiation of their own cisnormative assumptions could also be complicated, confusing, and uncomfortable. For some participants, having a flexible understanding of gender prior to learning of their parent’s trans identity allows them to reevaluate the underlying gender roles within their parent-child relationship.

Varying Exposure to Gender Diversity Prior to learning of their parent’s trans identity, participants report varying experiences with people and conceptualizations of gender outside of the man-woman binary. In her discussion of sex/gender diversity, Monro (2010, pp. 245–247) describes three ideal types of conceptualizations (which may intersect or overlap) regarding gender roles and categorizations: (1) expanding sex/gender binaries, which theorizes masculinities and femininities as diverse, but keeps the binary understanding intact, (2)

123 moving beyond gender, which argues for a social order without gender categorization, and (3) the conceptualization of gender as groupings of femininities, masculinities, and gender diverse identities, with sex as a continuum. I use the term “gender diversity” as a combination of these theories to broadly refer to knowledge of gender identities outside of the man/woman binary, which includes the existence of trans and nonbinary identities as well as the knowledge that gender identity may be fluid and change (or be differently acknowledged) over time. In this chapter, “gender diversity” is a discussion of knowledge and meaning, rather than a description of policy or the sum of gender identities in a particular space. For participants, understanding and navigating their parent’s transition is related to their broader understandings of gender—particularly trans identities—as well as their own identities. The meanings they make regarding their and their parents’ identities and family processes are contextualized within their prior exposure—or lack thereof—to gender diversity. Some cis participants who were exposed to gender-diverse identities and/or had trans friends prior to their trans parent’s disclosure describe using their knowledge and experience to understand and support their parent during disclosure and transition. These participants appear to have developed a basic understanding of gender diversity: that gender is not immutable, gender identity might not match sex assigned at birth, and identities may be fluid and shift over time. Through their prior experiences, they understand that their parent may be susceptible to transphobic responses and thus make efforts to ensure their parent feels loved and supported in their transition. Participants who have had little exposure to gender diversity prior to their parent’s disclosure have to find other ways to understand their parent’s transition. For some participants—particularly those who were in middle school or early high school

124 when their parent came out as trans—this understanding does not come until they take college courses in gender studies. These participants describe not fully understanding trans identities or transition at the time their parent disclosed their identities, which is indicative of the sparsity of gender diverse topics and people in their educational experiences, personal lives, and in media. Participants who take college courses in gender studies are able to retrospectively apply that knowledge to their lives and derive new meanings and understandings which combine their own lived experiences having a trans parent as well as broader understandings of gender and sexualities. For some participants, this newfound understanding may also be applied to their own lives as they learn to explore not only their parents’ identities, but also their own. Trans participants’ experiences suggest that, within a parent-child relationship, one person’s openness about their trans identity may create an affirming space for the other person to explore their own gender identity and eventually identify as trans. Participants who identified as trans before their parent indicate that they believe their own coming out allowed their parent to feel more comfortable expressing their trans identities. Participants who identified as trans after their trans parent describe having a trans role model with whom they already identified, as well as a comfortable and welcoming space to explore their gender variance. Participants who do not have exposure to trans people and gender diversity outside of their own families, however, appear to generalize their own experience to their broader understandings of trans people. For example, one participant who understands her dad’s trans identity as chromosomal uses that experience as the basis for her knowledge of gender diversity more broadly even though chromosomal differences can only account for some experiences of gender diversity. Knowledge

125 centered on personal experience may be problematic if applied more broadly as it can erase or obfuscate broader understandings of trans identities and issues.

Prior Experience and Exposure

Participants who had already been exposed to trans identities through their own experiences, friends, and/or peer environments describe using the knowledge gained through these experiences to better explore their personal understandings of gender diversity, which I refer to as “abstract knowledge.” Abstract knowledge describes a general understanding that gender diversity exists, but may not include nuanced understandings of the diversity within and throughout the trans community (Nicolazzo,

2016; Wentling, Windsor, Schilt, & Lucal, 2008). As symbolic interactionists describe the use of shared meanings as necessary to navigation of social interaction and interpretation (Cooley, 1902; Goffman, 1959; Mead, 1934), abstract knowledge of gender diversity acts as a shared meaning between participants and their parents, through which participants can filter, navigate, and interpret their experiences as their family navigates their parent’s transition.

Research indicates that cis individuals who have at least one trans friend have greater acceptance and support of trans people overall (Barbir, Vandevender, & Cohn,

2017), so this prior exposure and the knowledge gained from their experiences can then be applied to their own experiences with their parents’ disclosure of trans identity and transition. Alyssa describes already being exposed to trans identities through her homeschool friends by the time her mom came out as nonbinary/genderqueer:

126 So I was homeschooled for that year and there's quite an abundance of LGBTQA people homeschooling. So I had some friends who were trans there. Before that I think I knew certain people who were trans but on the binary, and I knew of the existence of non-binary-ness. And I don’t know, I wasn't super familiar with pronoun usage at first. Like when my mom was transitioning, at first, I thought you were supposed to use the same verb conjugations as the...like I would say, “They is.” But not for very long until my mom explained that I could use what sounded more normal that they are. That was a relief and made it a lot easier to talk.

Alyssa’s exposure to LGBTQ+ people and identities among her peer group prepared her with abstract knowledge to understand and accept her mom’s identity broadly.

However, she still had to learn some of the nuances of her mom’s transition, such as pronoun usage. While transition and particular expressions of gender are deeply personal for trans individuals, abstract knowledge of trans needs and identities may allow for a more cooperative navigation of transition among both participants and their trans parents.

Some participants directly link their ability to accept and navigate their parent’s disclosure and transition to their prior exposure to gender diversity. For example, Suzie says that at the time her mom came out as a trans woman, she “was at [her previous college] which is a very liberal place. Everyone shares their pronouns and stuff like that so I feel like going there definitely helped me before the transition.” Cisgender people in most social spaces do not take the time to share pronouns, as they are taken for granted to be obvious through gender attribution, or the process of assumptions of others’ gender identity and roles (Kessler & McKenna, 1978; Robertson, 2019). Sharing pronouns disrupts the gender attribution process, allowing for individuals to consider gender identities that do not align with their assumptions. Suzie reflects on her reaction when her Mom disclosed her trans identity:

127 I just wanted to make sure that she was comfortable coming out to us cause that was one of my biggest fears; that she wouldn't feel comfortable talking to us, and was afraid that we wouldn't accept her. So that was terrifying. So I was nodding and making sure that I was encouraging her to like, tell her story. Afterwards, she told me that that was one of her best experiences coming out because I was doing that and I was encouraging her so that I appreciated.

For Suzie, being in an environment that values behaviors like pronoun sharing may have helped her develop an understanding of inclusivity, which also allowed her to consider her Mom’s need for acceptance and encouragement. Through Suzie’s exposure to an environment that acknowledges trans inclusivity and gender diversity, she has been able to apply her abstract understanding of gender diversity to her own experiences with her mom.

For some participants, abstract understandings of gender diversity come in the form of experiences of trans marginalization. Jenna says that when her mom disclosed her dad’s trans identity to her, she already had some exposure to trans experiences— particularly transphobia—through her friend at school.

I had a friend at school who's actually male to female transgender, so I kind of had a clue about what was going on… I remember I was in history class, and a couple of the guys were just being cruel. I remember exactly what was said, but they were saying some really awful things about her when she left to go to the bathroom. And, I stood up, and I turned around and I told him to shut the hell up because he didn't know what he was talking about…And, I think that's kind of what made it real clear to the rest of the class was bullying is not acceptable.

Jenna’s exposure to trans identities and transphobia through her experience with her friend helped her understand what her dad might experience as a trans person as well.

Like Suzie, Jenna’s first reaction was also to make her dad feel loved and accepted when her mom disclosed her dad’s trans identity to her:

128 I remember I was in a cosmetology class actually that my high school offered, and we had just learned how to do you like hair and makeup for certain facial structures, so I was like well does dad need doing help doing hair and makeup and all this stuff because my first thought was I don't want her to go anywhere, so I need to be accepting and loving. That was just a knee-jerk reaction, and then my mom called my dad let her know how it went, my dad was ecstatic that my first reaction was to do hair and makeup for her and everything like that.

While Suzie describes her reaction as a need to be broadly encouraging and support her mom in being open with her identity, Jenna’s reaction is more directed toward specific things she can do to show her support for her dad. Although Serano (2016) critiques the go-to media images of trans women putting on makeup as holding them to traditional understandings of gender expression, Jenna uses her knowledge from her cosmetics class to identify something concrete—hair and makeup—that she can do to show her dad that she supports her.

It is important to note that exposure to gender diverse environments and trans people is not enough in and of itself to educate cis people on all areas of gender diversity, such as the nuances of intersectional oppressions (e.g., disproportionate rates of homicide among trans women of color), or individual experiences and definitions of gender identity and expression which may differ or conflict with broader society (K. M.

De Vries, 2012; James et al., 2016; Roen, 2001b). However, this exposure does allow for the development of an abstract understanding of some of the general needs and experiences of trans people, through which participants can filter their experiences and develop a positive and supportive outlook for their parent upon disclosure of trans identity. This prior exposure may be key to helping people with trans parents navigate

129 their parents’ disclosures and transitions, although the complexities of their individual situations also need to be taken into account.

For trans participants, abstract knowledge may be developed through their personal experiences and understandings of gender diversity. Although little research exists on the pathways between gender variant children and gender nonconformity among their parents—other than to say having trans parents does not lead to gender identity issues (see Green, 1978, 1988), Robyn feels that their own nonbinary identity may have helped their mother develop zirs:

I mean, my theories of interacting with like other baby boomers, so it just like—it takes a while with that generation sometimes. They’re just up against so—they’ve already been invalidated time after time after time after time if they've even tried to mention this to someone. That like, it takes a while for it to come through. Also, I think I have something to do with it…I think it's different when you see your own child starting to come into their own and makes you really happy. Yeah, like, you can just drop out of the gender binary. You can just do that.

While having a trans family member may lead loved ones to reevaluate their own gender identity (McGuire et al., 2016), Robyn’s discussion of their mother suggests that having a nonbinary family member may allow loved ones to reevaluate gender identity outside of the binary as well. Although Robyn describes their mother as always having been gender nonconforming (See Chapter 3), they believe that their own exploration of a nonbinary identity—and their mother being happy to see them happy—may have been the push ze needed to explore nonbinary identity as well. Robyn’s assessment of their mother’s navigation is indicative of the identity validation nonbinary people often seek through each other (Abbie E. Goldberg & Kuvalanka, 2018).

130 Of the other two participants who disclosed their trans identity before their parent disclosed, neither draws the direct line between their own identity and their parent’s identity exploration as Robyn does. However, each participant makes meaning of their parent’s identity as related to their own. For Becca, the pathway between her disclosure of nonbinary identity and her dad’s disclosure of trans identity (for whom she explains his “understanding of gender has changed” but does not give a specific name to his identity) is less direct. However, it is possible that Becca’s trans identity may have also offered validity to her dad.

I don't know...I'm sure me coming out already made it easier and also my sister came out as gay. I guess that made it a bit easier for me as well. I don't know if I could say he came out because of me coming out though. I don't think it hurt at least. LGBTQ+ youth often describe how LGBTQ+ family members have had a profound impact on their own understanding of their identities through support and encouragement (Robertson, 2019). Becca feels that her sister coming out as gay created a space that allowed her to also come out, and likewise may have allowed for her dad to explore her own gender identity as well. Research shows that youth who are exposed to gender and sexual diversity—and given alternatives to heterosexuality and cisnormativity—may be more likely to question and explore their own gender and sexual identities (Robertson, 2019; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001). Research on the development of gender and sexuality typically focuses on socialization and the roles of older family members and similarly-aged peers (See for example: Blakemore & Hill, 2008; Chodorow, 1974; Cooley, 1902; Handel, Cahill, & Elkin, 2007; Martin & Luke, 2010; Mead, 1934; Robertson, 2019). However, rarely examined are the effects of children’s gender and sexual identities on their parents.

131 Becca’s understanding of her role in her dad’s gender exploration, as well as Robyn’s conceptualization of their mom’s exploration of nonbinary identity, suggest it is also possible that parents who are exposed to their children’s gender and sexual diversity may be more likely to explore their own.

Educational and Peer Exposure and Retrospective Meaning-Making Although some participants have had some experience with gender diversity prior to learning of their parent’s trans identity, participants whose parent disclosed their trans identity while the participant was in middle school or early high school describe not having the exposure or vocabulary to understand the changes happening within their parent and their family at the time. Prior research suggests that adolescents may have a more difficult time adjusting to a parents’ transition due to their own sexual development (M. L. Brown & Rounsley, 1996), and the present study suggests that adolescents’ difficulties with adjustment may also stem from a lack of vocabulary to describe gender nonconformity and trans identities once their understandings of traditional and family-specific gender roles and expectations are salient (although this appears to be changing: see Meadow, 2018; Robertson, 2019; Travers, 2018). For some of these participants, exposure to college coursework in gender and sexualities helped them better understand both their own identities and their parents’ experiences. Meredith, who was fourteen when her Mama (a trans woman) disclosed her trans identity, explains that her college coursework helped her better understand Mama’s experiences:

I think I didn't fully understand what like it meant to be trans which I think now just because that stuff like—I was a gender studies minor so I'm taking all of these classes, like I have information now. And not that she

132 didn't do a good job explaining it, but it was just something that was just like, so not like, in my head I guess at the time.

Although Meredith had been previously exposed to her Mama’s gender nonconformity which she feels made transition less of a shock to her and her family (See Chapter 3), she still describes not fully understanding meanings surrounding trans identity and transition at the time. As women’s and gender studies coursework allows students to grapple with complex theories of gender and sexualities (Nicolazzo, 2016), this understanding came in college as she began to take courses specifically related to the construction and study of gender. Dena says that when her Pa disclosed his trans identity when she was in middle school, she “had no idea what any of it meant.” However, her recent understanding of her own bisexual identity, combined with her coursework which has allowed her to explore experiences of heterosexism, has allowed her to synthesize her family experiences with her own bisexuality to understand how she identifies with the queer community.

I think it just started with realizing that I was attracted to women. I've had dreams about being with women and realized just how much on Instagram or online that I spend following beautiful women and thinking that it was like partially as a body image thing. Seeing beautiful bodies and being, "How do I do your workout program to look more like that," or whatever, but I also realize that I think it was me kind of being attracted to women's bodies and really seeing so much beauty in women…And then being in this program where we have a class called multi-cultural awareness where we had to identify as part of the target group that had been targeted by heterosexism or part of a non-target group. With my family experiences I have been targeted by heterosexism for sure but they were asking us to identify with our own personal identities and I didn't like that that line was drawn there because my family experiences have been part of who I am but it also had me question my own experiences and it just did not feel right in any way, my own identity or my feminist identity to be part of a non-target group--people who have not been targeted by heterosexism-- and just realizing more and more how comfortable in that home I feel in

133 the queer community both because of my family experiences and I think because of my own identity.

Coursework regarding gender and sexualities leads students to wrestle with the complex theories regarding gender and may also provide comfortable space to discuss diverse identities. For example, in her study of trans students in college, Nicolazzo (2016) describes the open and inclusive nature of particular types of courses (such as education or women’s and gender studies) that not only allow trans students to explore integration of trans issues into projects, but also allow for students to develop friendships with classmates they previously thought may not be interested in discussing gender variance. Meredith, who also came out as bisexual during her freshman year of college after joining a discussion group at her college’s LGBT center (“I always like kind of knew I wasn't straight but I didn't have like a label for it”), feels that her college-based exposure to and subsequent joining of the LGBTQ+ community has helped her develop an understanding for trans identities more broadly and in turn, her Mama:

I think really like my own coming out they had a really, really big part in being able to talk about it with my parent—and like you know like I was like meeting like other trans people and it was like—it was like such an exposure I guess and I was able to have—I really think that just made a huge difference. And, I think in general just like having exposure to stuff really helps in like accepting things and stuff like that…yeah I think it was just getting involved in the LGBT community that was something where I'm like, “Oh this is like fun” and like you know that the community’s open, and then people are meeting, like everyone is okay with this stuff. A lot of other people are trans, so like, I guess it was that I changed the people I was surrounded with, and because I was meeting other people that were very open about like their own transitions and like I was hearing people’s stories or like really getting to know like that it—it really just helped normalize it for me. And, it was kind of like, like okay yeah like I'm still the only person I know with a trans parent, but like she's not the only trans person I know. So, it's like, it's not weird because she's not like the only one so I think that was really the biggest thing was just like getting so much exposure to so many other people. It's just been awesome.

134 For some cis participants who identify as sexual minorities, joining the LGBTQ+ community has been helpful in understanding their parent’s trans identity through greater outside exposure to trans people and their experiences. Although not all people who identify within the queer community accept gender diversity (See Serano, 2016), Meredith feels her exposure has been largely trans-affirming. Research on attitudes in women’s studies courses indicates that students enrolled in these courses report more liberal attitudes about gender, better understanding of gender devaluation, and positive influences on their personal lives related to knowledge gained during coursework (Katz, Swindell, & Farrow, 2004; Stake, et al., 1994). Dena and Meredith indicate that they both found these courses helpful in exploring their own understandings of gender and sexuality, which allowed them to also apply their knowledge to their own lives and experiences. However, Thomsen and colleagues’ (1995) study on students in women’s studies courses indicates that students who take women’s studies courses tend to hold more egalitarian gender-related attitudes prior to enrolling, suggesting that feminist perspectives should be incorporated into more diverse courses in order to attract a wider spectrum of students. Additionally, Wentling and colleagues (2008) suggest incorporating trans topics—particularly those written by trans scholars—into a wide variety of courses in order to better integrate trans people and communities in positive ways.

Meanings Centering Own Experiences

Participants who have had little exposure to gender diversity outside their experiences with their parent describe understanding of trans people more broadly, however, these meanings center their own experiences rather than those of trans people.

135 As feminist theorists point out, knowledge that is situated in the points of view of those who experience oppression broadens that knowledge, makes it more comprehensive, and allows for the inclusion of those voices whom knowledge is about (Collins, 2000;

Haraway, 1988). Although these participants generally describe themselves as supportive of their parent, they are likely to generalize their own experience when discussing the needs—or even existence—of trans people.

Angie says that by the time her dad (a trans woman) disclosed her trans identity,

Angie was already aware that her dad has an extra x chromosome:

I learned in school that the gender of the baby is decided by the man because of the xy chromosomes. And all that and that's when my dad mentioned that she had an extra x chromosome which made her both male and female…You know I'm really chill with my dad being transgender because I knew for a few years that the fact you know genetically, she was. So it wasn't like a big bomb when she told us.

Angie does not use the word intersex to describe her dad and says she does not know if her dad identifies as intersex herself. However, Angie’s understanding of her dad’s gender identity is largely tied to her understanding of her dad’s chromosomes. Although there are links between intersex and trans identities (Preves, 2003), the meanings Angie makes of trans identities center her understanding of her dad’s identity, which equates gender diversity with genetic variation. She reflects on her experience discussing trans identities with a friend on social media:

This one friend posted this picture of someone writing something. It was about like, don't get mad if I address you as the gender that you're not even though you look like that gender. Sort of thing. And there's a bunch of other stuff in it too but it was basically like there's only two genders. You know, “Be one” kind of thing. And you know like if you look like a guy, but you're a girl and I call you sir, don't get mad at that. You know because you look male sort of thing. And I addressed the part about there's only one gender. “Be one.” And then I told her some people are

136 born with an extra sex chromosome. Which makes them both male and female and then you know, the decision is made at birth. So not their choice what gender they are and later on in life, it can take a couple years to get the surgery. And you need to be showing what gender you are.

Angie’s description speaks to the problematic nature of medical decision-making surrounding intersex children (Angie also says her dad underwent a double mastectomy at the onset of puberty when she began to develop breasts) as well as the contradictory nature of making trans people prove their need for transition-related surgery while surgery on intersex infants is considered an emergency (Davis, Dewey, & Murphy,

2016; Kessler, 1990). However, in centering her dad’s experiences within her own knowledge she is effectively erasing gender diversity in individuals who are not intersex as well as conflating trans and intersex identities. This may become problematic when attempting to explain gender diversity as Angie did with her friend, which upholds essentialist understandings of gender as being defined by sex, but also upholds the male/female binary (Roen, 2001a).

Another problematic result of participants centering their own experiences in their broader understanding of gender diversity is the attempt to ignore gender. Jeffrey, a former police officer, describes his overt transphobia prior to his dad coming out as a trans woman, and learning to come to terms with those views as he becomes more accepting of his dad.

I was not necessarily accepting from—you know, the start. And I was on the police department, I was probably one of the worst out there when it came to the derogatory terms, you know, associating with transgender people, because working with—in the area that I did, it was very very rough and there were a lot of you know, prostitutes who were male and it was very very obvious and I was like look at this—and excuse my language—but I said like, “Look at this fuckin tranny,” or “transformer,” or “Look at this freak show.” And I never used those words around my

137 father, but she knew, you know, that those were the words that I was associating with those people down there just because the job setting that I was in and the people that I was working with. But now looking back, that was obviously very very wrong. Um, and I realize that and I’ve come to terms with it, so in a way I’m upset with myself you know, for using those terms and directing them at people who weren’t deserving of that at all…Um, you know, I’ve seen transgender people more and more now, just be accepting and treat them like the human being they are. They don’t wanna be treated any differently, you know? They don’t wanna be extra taken care of or stared at. Treat em like a human being. So you know, I never really thought about gender, it’s one of those things you know, my thought now is they’re a human being, treat them like a human being.

Jeffrey’s story demonstrates love and acceptance for his dad, regret for how he viewed trans people prior to learning his dad is a member of the trans community, and a desire to treat people equally regardless of gender identity. Contextualized within the institution of policing, Jeffrey’s description of how he used to refer to trans sex workers is indicative of the intersecting oppressions that subject trans people—especially trans women of color—to discrimination and disproportionate rates of incarceration (James et al., 2016). However, in taking a stance through which he says he does not think about gender and wants to treat trans people “as human beings” because they do not want to be treated differently, Jeffrey is taking an individualized view of trans people and effectively ignoring how transphobia on individual and structural levels may shape trans people’s lives by limiting access to employment, resources, and health care, and constrain and regulate decision-making related to identity and expression (James et al., 2016; Lenning & Buist, 2013; Nadal, Skolnik, & Wong, 2012; shuster, 2017). This stance of ignoring gender echoes what Bonilla-Silva (2016) refers to as “color-blind racism,” in which white people “don’t see any color, just people” (2016, p. 1). In one example of how color-blind racism plays out, Bonilla-Silva describes white people being opposed to affirmative-action policies as giving “preferential treatment”

138 to certain groups, which utilizes the idea of “equal opportunity” while ignoring the severe underrepresentation of people of color in most good jobs, schools, and universities (2016, p. 28). This ideology serves to safeguard white privilege as it does not make any attempt to question or transform the structural mechanisms that maintain the racial hierarchy. Similarly, taking a stance of “not thinking about gender” may allow cis individuals to treat trans individuals with love and respect—as Jeffrey loves and respects his dad—but does not encourage them to question or transform the gender hierarchy that privileges cis identity. When broader meanings of the trans community center cis participants’ experiences with their trans parent, rather than abstract understandings of gender diversity, these meanings may uphold essentialist understandings of trans identities or ignore the consequences that interpersonal and structural transphobia has on trans individuals and the trans community as a whole.

The Power of Hegemonic Beauty Norms

Although most participants with abstract knowledge of gender diversity appear to have an easier time understanding and navigating their trans parent’s identity and transition, this does not absolve them from the limitations of gender roles and expectations. In describing their trans parents’ gender expression, which most often includes descriptions of clothing, accessories, hair and makeup, mannerisms, and tone of voice, several participants use language that indicates their opinions on the

“appropriateness” of their choices, and how well their parent “passes” as a member of their gender. Passing, a term used by many marginalized communities to discuss the ability to be recognized and treated as a member of a dominant group (Dawkins, 2012), has been criticized as a means of reinforcing hegemonic norms and values, which

139 includes conforming to and upholding the sex and gender binaries rather than attempting to dismantle them (R. Connell, 2009; Serano, 2016). However, some members of the trans community (including two trans participants in the present study) continue to use this phrase as a way to explain how their gender expression is interpreted by others.

Although only a few participants in this study use the word “passing” to describe their parent, participants often use phrasing consistent with hegemonic beauty norms (e.g.

“appropriateness” or “respectfulness” of clothing) related to the intersections of age, gender, and parental role.. As hegemonic beauty norms typically privilege youth and whiteness (Kwan & Trautner, 2009), it is important to recognize that aside from one parent who identifies as biracial (white and indigenous), all participants’ trans parents are white.

Some participants describe their trans women parents as learning about age and gender- appropriate clothing over time. Jenna reflects on her reactions to seeing her dad’s appearance early in her transition:

I have nightmares about those wigs and the makeup and the outfits, oh Mylanta, it was bad…Oh God, oh the miniskirts, those went right away, I think I threw out one of my dad's miniskirts, I was like, “This is unacceptable.” Fifty-five year old woman!

Jenna’s reactions indicate a clear rejection of her dad’s choices given her age. As mentioned previously, Jenna had taken a cosmetology course in school and has knowledge about how hair and makeup “should” look according to hegemonic beauty standards set by popular culture, which is also likely reflected in her course work. In throwing out her dad’s miniskirt, Jenna also gives a concrete example of what she feels is unacceptable for her dad to wear as a fifty-five-year-old woman.

140 Bianca also discusses her dad’s choice of clothing in terms of gender and age appropriateness:

A cute dress, that doesn't have too much cleavage, like a very formal, I guess, dress, or just jeans and a nice shirt, and mid height heels. Yeah, stuff like that. Very respectful. Not provocative or anything like that. And appropriate to her age too… Well not like a crop top and high waist jeans. Yeah. Not [something] a twenty-four would wear. More like what a sixty- year-old would wear.

In referencing specific trends for young adult women, Bianca is reinforcing that there are different normative expectations for women’s appearance based on their age. By saying that her dad would not wear provocative clothing or crop tops, rather than going into a more in-depth description of what her dad does wear, like Jenna, she also reinforces the expectation for women in their fifties and sixties to wear clothing that minimizes references to sexual attractiveness (Twigg, 2007).

When asked how Mike’s Maddy (trans woman parent) expresses her gender, he locates her age and gender within the role of “mom,” which has its own fashion implications.

She's very feminine, but in a very mom sort of way… She wears mom jeans. She wears pretty dresses. She wears nice wigs. She wears makeup. Sometimes she doesn't wear makeup. She wears nice jewelry. She goes thrift shopping. She overall looks very nice most of the time.

While describing Maddy’s gender expression, Mike uses fairly plain language (i.e. repetitive use of “nice”). In popular culture (most notably a Saturday Night Live skit from 2003), “mom jeans” are shapeless and functional rather than fashionable. In describing her using phrases like “very mom sort of way” and “nice,” Mike indicates that Maddy’s femininity is appropriate for her age as well as her role as a mom, which is often associated with upholding culturally acceptable moral standards (O’Brien,

141 2007). In this way, Mike is placing Maddy into a motherhood role reinforced by hegemonic expectations for age, gender, and family.

In addition to Mike, five other participants use the phrase “very feminine” to describe their trans woman parent. Often, they then go on to describe wearing dresses or other clothes with traditionally feminine markers or descriptions (e.g. skirts, heeled shoes, “cute” tops) and having hair and makeup “done.” For example, Christopher describes his dad as “very feminine the way she dresses. She does her make-up, and she's grown her hair out. She's putting a lot of effort into kind of passing as a woman, I think.” Similarly, Suzie uses several of these descriptors for her dad:

She's very feminine. She likes dressing up. She'll always wear makeup to go out. She always does something with her hair. I feel like she's much more girly than any of us in her family. I don't know how much of that is that's how she wants to express herself or if that's her trying to pass. I don't know which is which. I think that she's just really girly, and it's cute… She wears a lot of dresses. She has more shoes than I do [laughs].

Hair, makeup, and clothing/accessories all represent expectations of beauty standards for women, and each has implications based on age, race/ethnicity, and class, as well as other social identities (Banks, 2000; L. H. Clarke & Griffin, 2007; Gimlin, 2002; Kwan & Trautner, 2009). In describing their parents’ gender expression using these examples, as well as relating them to passing, Christopher and Suzie reinforce hegemonic gender ideologies even as they accept and support their parents’ trans identities. Conversely, participants with parents who identify as trans men or nonbinary place less emphasis on their parent’s appearance than participants with trans women parents. This may be because female androgyny is more accepted within society (Hines, 2006), or because their parent’s gender expression did not change as drastically as many participants with trans women parents describe. Alyssa describes her mom’s (assigned

142 female at birth, identifies as nonbinary/genderqueer/genderfluid) sense of fashion as “snappy”:

It's sort of frustrating because my mom has way better style than me and so they wear, like, one of the sort of wardrobes that I've seen and a lot of my trans friends and acquaintances—so like non-binary friends and acquaintances are sort of like pretty snappy is how I would describe it…Nice tight jeans, long sleeve western shirt but not like a gaudy one, just a nice print, and a sort of vest thing and my mom has really gotten into good hats. So a good fedora or little like, I don't know what all the names of hats are, but a snappy hat, and a nice colorful scarf. My mom wears little tiny rings, earrings that are like white gold or something and they never take them out partly because they're really hard to put in, so those are always there. My mom needs glasses so they pick ones that look good. So in terms of dressing and then like, I don't really know if they wear binders all the time or just sometimes. My mom and I both have pretty small breasts so it's not actually super easy to tell.

Clothing can function as a kind of “visual metaphor for identity” (F. Davis, 1992, p. 25).

In relating her mom’s style to those of her other trans and nonbinary friends, she describes a sort of queer aesthetic through which gender nonconformity or androgyny may be expressed through combinations of traditionally masculine and feminine clothing and accessories and/or items that are acceptable within both feminine and masculine fashion norms. Although Alyssa says she sees her mom as “cool” and indicates that they have control of their fashion decision-making, research indicates that choosing gender nonconforming styles may cause stress in both straight and queer spaces (Reddy-Best & Pedersen, 2015). Alyssa also mentions binders, which are often used by nonbinary people and trans men to minimize the appearance of breasts. She knows that her mom wears binders but is not sure if they wear them all the time given their body type, which may be another reason why Alyssa does not perceive a drastic change in her mother’s appearance.

143 Dena, whose dad (trans man parent who gave birth to her and her brother) began his transition when she was ten, suggests that being trans is not necessarily part of his identity. She says that her dad and his wife have historically not had many ties to the queer community, as “they'd go to these queer groups and find that all they had in common was being queer but not that much else and so it didn't feel like that much of a pull for them.” However, this has implications for the assumptions made about her relationship with each of her parents, which includes her dad (birth parent), Dena’s

Eema (her “other mother” who shared custody of Dena and her brother after divorcing their birth parent when Dena was two years old), and her dad’s wife (whom he married when Dena was four):

It doesn't seem to bother him or be part of his identity even really and I think actually it's something that he hides and that he doesn't tell people. I don't think that his wife's family knows for example… they've met him, and I think that they just think that he's a cisgender man and he does pass—not to use that word negatively—but you would not look at him and think that he was transgender visually. Yes, it's just weird when it comes to them thinking that Eema gave birth to me and [my brother] because she's seventy-five so she would've had both of us pretty old so it doesn't really make sense.

In the present study, Dena is the participant for whom it has been the longest since her parent disclosed their trans identity to them.

As trans people later into their transitions may have different experiences from those whose who are earlier in their transitions (Serano, 2016), Dena’s description speaks to a potential experience of trans people who may describe nondisclosure of trans status as “going stealth” (Beauchamp, 2019). Although the concept of “stealth,” as well as the social conditions under which people are encouraged to disclose their trans status or obtain male privilege through hiding it, are extensions of cisnormativity (See for

144 example: Beauchamp, 2019; Schilt, 2010; Serano, 2016), the meanings Dena makes regarding her dad’s appearance and lack of connection to a trans identity are more related to assumptions made about her relationship with her parents. Dena is twenty- seven and Eema is seventy-five, meaning Eema would have been forty-eight if she had given birth to Dena. Although it is not unheard of to give birth at that age, it is certainly uncommon. For Dena, her dad’s identity and appearance cause tension between how she perceives her family and the relationships within them and how they are perceived by others. Although participants with prior experience with and exposure to trans identities may have an easier time accepting their trans parent and navigating their transition, abstract knowledge is a first step toward acceptance and understanding. Participants with abstract knowledge understand that trans identities do exist, however, they may continue to adhere to hegemonic norms and values, especially when interpreting and making meanings of their trans parent’s gender expression. This is a limitation for participants, as it does not represent the trans community’s broad range of gender identities and expressions, which are just as diverse as those of the cis community (A. H. Johnson, 2016; Wentling et al., 2008). As trans people are frequently subjected to the use of language to regulate their actions and expression in accordance with cisgender norms and expectations (shuster, 2017; West & Zimmerman, 1987), these findings are not surprising given the strength of gender ideologies, especially as they pertain to women. It does mean, however, that people with trans parents need to continue to work toward understanding the differences within and among the trans community, and that even their abstract knowledge might be limited to binary representations of the trans community in popular culture and media (A. H. Johnson, 2016).

145 CONCEPTUALIZATION OF PERSONAL IDENTITY Although research suggests that family members of trans people may navigate and re-negotiate their own understandings of gender and sexualities (McGuire et al., 2016), most of this research is based on studies of people with trans partners or parents of trans children (J. B. Downing, 2013; Lev, 2004; Pfeffer, 2017). As participants navigate their parent’s transition, their prior understandings of both of their parents’ genders and sexualities are bought into question, which also may lead them to rethink not only their own identities, but their conceptualization of identity overall. As participants describe how their parents act together, and their discussions with either or both parents about their relationship and personal sexual identities, their interpretations indicate that navigating their parent’s transition has impacted not only their understandings of gender and sexual identities through their ability to flex and shift. For some, observing and interpreting this flexibility in their parents calls their own identities into question or gives them freedom to explore their own gender and sexual nonconformities, while for others, it helps solidify their understanding of their own gender and sexuality.

Case Study: Adoptive Trans Parents and Trans Kids For two participants, Taylor and Peyton, navigating their parent’s transition has directly impacted their own navigation of trans and gender nonconforming identities. In this section, I suggest that having an adoptive trans parent may have lasting positive effects on children within the family, especially those who are beginning to explore gender variance themselves. For Taylor, a gender nonconforming lesbian who was adopted by her parents at age seventeen just after her dad came out, navigating her dad’s

146 transition along with the rest of her family allowed her to better explore her own identity:

My birth family basically just threw me to the wolves at fourteen, that's when I came into the foster system. And so, for years, pretty much my whole life before meeting my parents, being gay was not a thing. Being anything LGBT was not a thing. It was religiously frowned upon, my family didn't like gay people, it was just a thing that wasn't talked about. So, being a lesbian, hidden in that, I was crushed, my soul was crushed. So, after meeting my parents and learning that there's another way to live in the LGBT community, there's a community of us. And when I learned that, I was just through the roof. I couldn't stop learning everything about everything there was to know about our community, our history, our presence, our laws and things like that. Experiencing her dad’s transition was particularly important to Taylor’s gender and sexual development, especially coming from a family situation in which she had to hide her lesbian identity. Having open communication surrounding her dad’s transition has allowed her to explore her place within the LGBTQ+ community. Taylor’s experience with her adoptive parents is reflective of the queer community’s reliance on chosen families, through which queer youth and adults find support and comradery, especially in cases where they are rejected by their families of origin for their gender and/or sexual identity (Maguen, Shipherd, Harris, & Welch, 2007). For many queer youth and adults, chosen families are necessary to survival, as they are disproportionately affected by housing and employment discrimination and homelessness (James et al., 2016). Having open communication about a parent’s transition may allow for greater exploration and normalization of gender and sexual variance within the family, which could lead to less of a survival-based dependence on chosen families. Peyton, a trans man, also feels that his adoptive family allowed him to explore his gender identity:

147 I think inward it really got me to thinking and I think that I kind of trusted him more just because at that point I hadn't really known that he was queer at all and I tend to trust queer people now… And it really got me to thinking a lot because I think at that point in my life I was identifying as genderqueer, and a lot of that was just because I hadn't known any men that I felt comfortable with. I had met—Pretty much all the men that I had come into contact with up to that point had been abusive. So my way of thinking around things was, "Well, I know I'm not a girl, but I'm not a bad person and I don't feel any interest in hurting people or subjugating anybody so I must not be a guy." And I think it just kind of got me thinking about, "Oh, maybe that's kind of an option."

For Peyton, who had previously experienced abuse from men in his life, learning that his adoptive dad is a trans man gave him confidence to explore masculinity in a way that he had previously avoided. The knowledge that his dad is queer made Peyton feel more comfortable around him, but also provided a role model for masculinity as well as trans identity.

Peyton goes on to describe his experience exploring masculinity within his household as affirming, especially due to his experiences with his dad:

I think I officially have a community within the house and so it didn't feel like I had to strike off on my own or blaze a whole new path. I knew that I wouldn't be doing anything that he hadn't already done and that I would have at least him there to fall back on if I needed it and I wouldn't just be doing this completely on my own. And also just I mean the knowledge that he gives himself a shot of testosterone once a week and does not immediately go all Mr. Hyde on us. [laughs] I've met a couple of cis guys that didn't suck. I haven't been close to any of them, but just I think being close to someone who I could see myself in and who I could see my future looking like to some degree, several degrees. Like I could look into the future and see a lot of myself in him and I think that being able to do that, it kind of felt like getting a little glimpse of what my future could be if I let it be and I liked it. So it gave me—And seeing him just be happy and pretty much know that pretty much almost nobody knows even. I'm a lot more open about it than he is, I'm more flamboyant. I'm more on the gay side, we're both bi but I like guys a lot more. So I have a way stronger preference, while he has somewhat of a preference for women. And I'm generally more, "I'm here, I'm queer," where's he's just like, "You know I am a guy who exists and happens to be trans." But

148 being able to see him be so successful in it and have a good life with it was really encouraging to me. Even though I knew that mine wouldn't go the same way, I felt like I could trust that it would also go well. Although Peyton knows that his preferences and experiences are different from those of his dad, having a path to gender exploration within the family through which he can feel supported and understood has changed his outlook on his own identity and gender expression. Role modeling for gender expression and trans identity is often seen in ballroom culture, through which Black and Latinx gay and trans members of “houses” constitute parental and sibling kinship relationships, through which parents provide guidance and life skills for their children (Bailey, 2011). These kinship networks are often necessary for survival for Black and Latinx gay and trans individuals—including teenagers and young adults—who have been rejected by their biological families because of their identities. In Bailey’s work on the house/ball scene in Detroit, he describes Levin, a trans woman whose house mother ushered her through critical stages in her transition in ways her biological parents were unwilling or unable to provide. Levin goes on to provide similar guidance for her house daughter as well (Bailey, 2011, 2013). For Peyton, this chosen family structure (made legal through adoption) has provided him with affirming parental guidance through his transition as well as a masculine role model through whom he can redefine and explore masculinity for himself.

Interpreting and Conceptualizing Shifts in Identity and Relationship

As a trans family member’s identities shift, their family members may also reconsider the role of gender, sexuality, and relationships in their own lives (McGuire et al., 2016; Pfeffer, 2017). People with parents who plan to stay together through transition observe shifting understandings of gender and sexualities of both parents,

149 rather than just their trans parent. As their trans parent moves through transition, participants describe how they interpret both parents’ identities through the ability to shift as well as changing definitions of their parents’ relationships. These changing definitions affect participants in multiple ways: for some, their understandings of sexuality and sexual attraction begin to shift, while for others, their conceptualizations of romantic relationships are transformed.

Some participants develop an understanding of their parents’ relationship as being predicated on love being present regardless of gender or sexual identity. Jessica reflects on her understanding of her parents’ relationship through her dad’s (trans woman) transition:

I think [my mom] was open to the possibility of [staying together], maybe, but she wanted—like I said, there's lots of love between them so she wanted to try whatever she could to stay together…They're still very close and they still act like a married couple which is lovely. I've asked [my mom] about it before, and she just said she's just in love with a person and it just so happens that that person is now a female and it's just the fact of life.

In taking the perspective of her mother, a cis woman whom she describes as “still identify[ing] as straight; she's just in love with my dad,” Jessica understands that for her parents, sexual identity does not necessarily align with the love they have for each other.

The questions and thought processes Jessica has regarding her mom’s sexual identity align with previous research on cis partners of trans people, who may find themselves reformulating their own sexual identities given the tensions between gender identity and sexual attraction in culturally-held definitions of sexual orientation. For example,

Pfeffer (2014) describes how cis women partners of trans men work to redefine identity labels in order to resist heteronormativity while also acknowledging how our current

150 lexicon does not include language that accurately reflects the nuance of these relationships/identities.

Jessica’s experience with her parents, along with her perception of the current social context, also has implications for the meanings she makes regarding her own current and potential sexual attractions:

Just in this day and age, I think it's become a bit more like everyone is just more fluid with it, I guess, but yeah, I definitely identify as straight. I've only ever been attracted to men, but I'm also a big personality person so if, one day, it happens that I fall in love with a woman, then that's...I'm not completely shut off to the idea, but I'm not attracted to them normally if that makes sense.

Jessica’s description of her own sexuality—typically straight but not “shut off” to the idea of falling in love with a woman because of the importance she places on personality—is reflective of her interpretation of the role of identity in her parents’ relationship as well as increasing understanding and acceptability of women’s sexual fluidity in the current social context (Diamond, 2008).

As participants conceptualize their parents’ shifting relationships and sexual identities, some begin to question or redefine their understanding of their own sexuality.

Suzie discusses how reflecting on her mommy’s (cis birth mother) sexual identity through her mom’s (trans woman parent) transition has made her reconsider the nature of attraction:

I guess just because my mommy's [sexual identity] is confusing to me because she obviously went into a relationship with a man and she's sticking it out with a woman. I guess we don't really know who we're capable of being attracted to kind of thing. Something could pop up and I could be with someone completely different. It makes me wonder I guess.

151 Although Suzie does not appear to be questioning her own sexual identity at this time, she does not rule out the possibility of doing so in the future. Observing her parents’ relationship through her mom’s transition has led Suzie to reconsider her conceptualization of sexual attraction. Similar to studies of lesbian-parented families that indicate daughters’ increased openness to sexual fluidity (Biblarz & Savci, 2010;

F. Tasker & Golombok, 1997), Suzie’s introspection indicates that young adults with parents who stay together through transition may reconceptualize sexual attraction as fluid.

However, in Suzie’s description of her mommy as “sticking it out” with her mom, her conceptualization of her parents’ relationship is underpinned by both heteronormative and cisnormative assumptions. Although her parents’ relationship through transition makes her reconsider her understanding of sexual attraction, the framing of her mommy as “sticking it out” is a reflection of the assumption that a straight woman would not want to continue a relationship if her partner comes out as a trans woman. Although Suzie’s experiences cause her to challenge her construction of sexual identity, she reproduces heteronormativity and cisnormativity through her framing.

Similarly, Jeffrey conceptualizes his parents’ relationship through the

“example” that his mom set for Jeffrey and his siblings by staying together with their dad, a trans woman:

I didn’t want to see our family break up and my mom set a great example. You know, my mom stuck with my dad—they’ve been together 38-39 years. Um, so my mom truly did marry her best friend and then just you know, my mom led by example…I mean it—when it all—when it all kinda started happening mom, you know was there, mom helped her with

152 her makeup, my mom helped her you know pick out outfits, you know they would go shopping together stuff like that…And about partway through the transition, I think it was right about the time my dad got her breast implants, when my brother and I offered my mom an out. We told mom, we said, “Look if you wanna take off and run, we totally understand”…And she turned it down. She goes, “You know I appreciate y’all taking care of me but I’m gonna stand by your dad,” so it was another great example.

The concept of “marrying your best friend” is typical in American marriage discourse, and research indicates that there are benefits to married couples who also consider themselves best friends (Grover & Helliwell, 2019). However, Jeffrey describes his parents’ relationship similarly to Suzie as he explains his mom as having “stuck with” and planning to “stand by” his dad, such that his mom is exercising strength or resiliency for staying together with her transitioning spouse regardless of what that means for her own sexual identity. Although Jeffrey’s experiences with his parents do not lead him to question or dismantle his understanding of his own gender and sexual identity, this framing of his mom’s reaction does appear to influence his interest in potential partners:

I really look for some of the same qualities that my mother has… Well yeah, they’re definitely strong and—they’re strong and independent, and this is gonna sound kinda weird, but they work really well in crisis situations. In his framing of his parents’ relationship, which translates into his own relationships,

Jeffrey idealizes his mom’s reactions as an example of how a partner should react in the face of “crisis.” Although Jeffrey, as well as his sister Jenna, describe specific experiences from their childhoods that could constitute crisis, such as their dad’s history of mental health emergencies, combining Jeffrey’s “crisis” language with the other language he uses to describe his mom’s decision to “stand by” or “stick with” her, having a trans partner could certainly constitute a “crisis” in this context. Although

153 resiliency is certainly an important discussion for those that experience transition of a family member (Titlestad & Pooley, 2014; Veldorale-Griffin & Darling, 2016), this may also reproduce heteronormativity and cisnormativity by framing transition as a negative experience—even a “crisis situation”—through which a trans person’s partner—or their children—have to “stand by” or “stick with” them.

Development of Empathetic Self-Identity and the Dangers of Cisnormative Empathy In addition to re-negotiating their understandings of gender and sexual identities, participants navigate other ways their experiences having a trans parent has shifted their thinking and, in turn, how they conceptualize themselves as compassionate people. Research on lesbian and gay parenting indicates that their children are more likely to be accepting of diverse identities (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Goldberg, 2007), and the present study appears to extend those findings to people with trans parents. However, participants focus on the empathy and compassion they have developed through their experiences, which they then fold into their self-conceptualization. Jenna reflects on her self-construction through her experiences with her dad’s transition:

Looking back on it now, I think that's what helped shaped my identity, like I developed an overwhelming sense of empathy—I think watching my father and my mom go through everything, and learned a lot of compassion too cause it's not really any other way to handle what was going on some days, you just, you just have to be understanding like well this is just dad's going through a time, there's no point getting mad about it because tomorrow it's going to be different. Although I was initially interested in the effects of parental gender transition on participants’ sexual and gender development, participants more often described the development of empathy as a direct effect of navigating their trans parent’s disclosure and transition. Although only four participants used the word “empathy” to describe this

154 development, nearly all participants used words and phrases like “understanding,” “accepting,” “compassion,” and “open-minded” to explain changes in their own self- construction, but also in describing advice they would give to other people with trans parents. Generally, these discussions fall into two categories: (1) empathy for trans people and the trans community, and (2) empathy for SOFFAs (significant others, family, friends, and allies of trans communities).

Empathy for the Trans Community Most participants describe the need for greater support for the trans community more broadly. In her description of advice she would give to other people with a trans parent, Sierra emphasizes understanding the difficulties for a trans person to navigate their own transition:

Listen and try to do what you can to understand. Even if that means going to someone else who isn't transitioning to try to help you understand because no matter how hard it may be on you, it's at least ten times worse for the person who actually has to transition and come out and deal with the social consequences. I figure even if I don't understand what someone is going through, the least I can do is not be an asshole and at least try to understand. Even if it's not something I inherently understand due to personal experience or anything. Listen. Be empathetic… But it seems that having some supportive people nearby—regardless of how challenging this may have been—did help. Relating to [my dad’s] comments of, "You kids coming out gave me the courage to deal with myself," it does seem like societal pressure is usually pretty shitty, but you can help balance some of that out with just being supportive. Having an actual close-knit support group that cares about you more than they care about societal bullshit expectations. For Sierra, empathy allows her to acknowledge her own discomfort while understanding the importance of listening and being supportive of her dad through her transition. Like Robyn and Becca, Sierra (who identifies as pansexual and has a gay brother) also says her dad felt more comfortable exploring her own trans identity once she had children

155 with queer identities. The empathy Sierra describes is similar to that of other LGBTQ+ participants. Sierra feels having the social experience of identifying as LGBTQ+ allows for the ability to be more empathetic, and therefore, supportive. Some participants describe beginning to take a more active role in trans rights and awareness as a result of their experience of having a trans parent. Taylor feels that learning more about the trans community and broader LGBTQ+, community through her dad’s transition, turned her toward activism:

Learning about my dad's transition really helped me to understand full- cycle about our community. It was even to a point where—at this time— a lot of teen suicide was going on when my dad first started transitioning, and it was all trans deaths. And I felt enraged, I guess you could say, because there's all these kids that are killing themselves because they wanna transition and their families are not supportive, and they're really unable to think of a future where they can be themselves and feel okay in their skin. And so, I see this and then I also see my dad…And my heart broke so much that I started creating events. And my first event was dedicated to Leelah Alcorn, and her story was a devastating one. Taylor describes creating vigils and fundraisers for Leelah Alcorn, a trans teen who died by suicide in 2014 and experienced lack of support from her parents. Alcorn’s parents, along with many news outlets—then continued to describe her using her birth name and pronouns (with which she did not identify) after her death (See for example: Fantz, 2015). As described earlier in this chapter, Taylor feels familial support is a central necessity during transition, and Alcorn’s suicide struck a sympathetic chord. Taylor’s experiences with her dad’s transition not only opened up a space for her to explore her own gender nonconformity (as described earlier in this chapter), but simultaneously allowed her to develop an overwhelming sense of empathy for trans people, especially for those who do not have familial support.

156 Some participants describe themselves as being more sympathetic and empathetic toward marginalized populations overall, as a result of their close proximity to trans issues vis-à-vis their parent. Sandra feels that the biggest change to her self- construction to come from her experiences navigating her dad’s transition is a greater sense of compassion:

I think I'm more sympathetic to minority groups and things like that. I think I've learned, I've definitely done a lot more fundraising, I would like to be a human rights lawyer after uni and I think just sort of empathy for people in minority groups that I had before I had gotten some exposure. And then I think I can relate to people because before—say if someone was upset—I wouldn't know what to say. So I think having experience having extreme emotions, like I think my friends would come to me more if they've got problems and things because I'm probably less judgmental and sort of more kind of empathetic towards that.

For Sandra, experiencing her dad’s transition overall has led her to be more compassionate for others who experience oppression and marginalization in society. Like Taylor, this has led Sandra into action both in her career path and social life. Sierra, Taylor, and Sandra’s descriptions of increased compassion all support and extend prior research indicating that children of LGB parents are likely to be more empathetic to diversity and people who are different from them them (Abbie E. Goldberg, 2007). It is likely that people with trans parents who are supportive of their parent’s transition are more likely to understand the marginalization of the trans community through their close proximity. For some, their compassion may be articulated as focused on empathy for the trans community, while for others, the experiences of one group’s oppression opens their eyes to the marginalization of other groups.

157 Empathy for SOFFAs Some participants describe the development of empathy for SOFFAs through their own experiences. They acknowledge the difficulties of navigating a family member’s transition with little outside support (as discussed in Chapter 3), but also focus on the conflict between their support for the trans community as well as the complications experienced by SOFFAs. These participants, who describe themselves as supportive of their trans friends, say they do not understand why they have such difficulties with their parent’s own transition. Laura reflects on this when discussing her emotions regarding her dad (a trans woman):

I have friends at school who are trans and nonbinary and I am definitely respectful of that and try to be as respectful and supportive of them as I can be but after finding out that my dad is trans it's—I'm still just as respectful, but it's complicated by the fact that it's not entirely a positive thing to find out that my dad is trans. It's messier. It feels hypocritical kind of on both ends. It feels hypocritical to not be supportive of my dad when I'm supportive of my friends but also the other way around. The feelings of hypocrisy Laura describes are situated in the difficulties she has had navigating her dad’s transition, while also constructing herself as someone who is supportive of trans people more broadly. These emotions draw her self-construction into question, as she struggles with competing discourses of internal struggle and public acceptance. Laura’s feeling of hypocrisy is reflective of her public appearance of support and acceptance, especially when it comes to her trans and nonbinary friends. Ruiz-Junco (2017, p. 424) refers to this as empathy performance, in which individuals visually and verbally indicate shared meaning and feeling between people, regardless of whether that empathy is genuine. Laura indicates that this performance feels hypocritical now that she has difficulty providing the same empathy for her dad.

158 Laura also describes the changes she has seen in herself through her experience navigating her dad’s transition:

But, when you see things often about parents whose kids are trans at least in the circles that I run in—social media wise—there's often criticism of the parents for not being accepting and whatever, and I think parents should always be accepting of their kids. I'm definitely not advocating for them to not be supportive but when it's on a very small scale when people keep talking about how difficult it is or every now and then they misgender or use the wrong name. I guess I can see a little bit more of both sides of the issue than some other people might, and I still don't think it's good. I still don't think it's a good idea and ideally, in an ideal world, it would be easy, and people would be able to just get over it and accept it overnight but as someone who's had to deal with it, it's easier to see that, "Hey, this is hard." Knowing myself as someone who tries very hard to not be transphobic it can still be difficult to put that into practice when you know that your feelings are not necessarily logical or rational. You can still have those difficult feelings. So, my friend came out as nonbinary in the past year and so has been dealing with a lot of stuff about name changes and telling family, and I've definitely been more than willing to listen and be sympathetic, but I can also see why. You know they'll say, "Oh, you know my mom is really having trouble with this and why can't she just understand?" "Well, give her more than a couple of months for it to really sink in.” So, it's a little easier to see both sides of the story in cases that aren't extreme. It's easier to see the gray area I guess. Laura’s difficulties in her own navigation of her dad’s transition (See Chapter 3) have led her to be more empathetic toward family members who may also have difficulties navigating their loved one’s transition. However, her feeling of empathy is at odds with the sympathy and compassion she feels for her trans and nonbinary friends who are dealing with conflicted family members. This double bind may make it difficult for her to navigate each—her dad’s transition and supporting her friend’s difficulties with their mother—as the messages related to each situation are at odds with each other (Bateson, Jackson, Haley, & Weakland, 1963). Sari describes similar feelings of ambivalence as well as her path to developing empathy for SOFFAs:

159

So the first trans person I knew was my friend who was male to female, who transitioned about age ten maybe, eleven probably. She's five, six years younger than me. Our family/friends grew up together, I've known her since she was born. When we were little, we would have play dates where she would say, "I want to be a girl." So [her parents were] like, "Many years ago we thought we had a son, we were wrong, we had a daughter." I was not surprised at all and I was like, "Oh my God, that's great, wonderful." So that was the first experience I had with transness I guess. I think that was seventh, eighth grade maybe, I don't really remember. And so from that time up until my dad, I was fully onboard. And then with my dad I was not completely onboard I think because it was my dad and it was like, "Wow, this is a huge change to my life." And then after my dad it was like I started thinking more about how it affected those [around] trans people. I still am in support of trans people and I think very much so. I think it just opened my world view a little more to include their families. So I think when my friends tell me, "This person in my family is not accepting of me." I'm thinking, "I can understand where they might be coming from, that must be difficult for them." But I can't say that to that person. So it's more like the same acceptance, but I can understand the other side as well… Because like I said I tried with my dad and people said like, "I don't accept my kids, I don't want to call them by their pronouns." I'd be like, "That's not acceptable, there's no [for that] explanation that's reasonable." But after my dad, I understand there are some explanations that are actually reasonable. As discussed in Chapter 3, both Laura and Sari’s difficulties with their dads’ transitions appear to be strongly related to a lack of communication among family members as well as the effects of transition on their parents’ relationship. For each of them, being supportive of their trans friends (and abstractly supportive of trans rights in general), while feeling unsupportive of their trans parent feels hypocritical. This may be influenced by another dimension of difficulty in dealing with their parent’s transition. In Norwood’s (2013) discussion of competing discourses with which individuals have to contend while constructing meanings of their trans family members’ identities, her description of judgment-imposing social networks generally only includes those who may not accept trans identities and experiences. Laura and Sari’s experiences indicate that trans-affirming social networks might impose judgments on those who are

160 ambivalent about their family member’s trans identity, leading to the double bind feelings of conflict and hypocrisy. Among trans/nonbinary friends and within the perception of an affirming community, Laura and Sari worry if they disclose any sort of ambivalence about their parent’s transition, or disclose difficulty regarding the process of adjustment, they will be seen as unsupportive, or at worst, transphobic. Sari worries that she will be judged “for not being one hundred percent okay with it,” and thus often avoids telling others that her dad is trans. She feels that her experience with her dad, and her difficulty in fully accepting her dad’s transition, has made her more understanding of others’ ambivalence about their trans loved ones. These participants’ perceptions of the public discourse in support of trans justice is that the message is often very rigid, that trans people require acceptance without question, and that their identity and needs should be prioritized over those whose cisgender and heteronormative identities are destabilized through trans acceptance. Their interpretation of this message leaves little room for the struggles loved ones—especially those who consider themselves supportive of trans people and rights more broadly—experience throughout a family member’s transition process. However, Laura and Sari both articulate that there are “multiple sides,” indicating that they feel familial support is more of a debate than a necessity. Trans acceptance and inclusion are often framed in popular discourse as a debate with multiple sides (i.e., whether trans/nonbinary identities align with individual or cultural beliefs, or whether they should be pathologized. For example see Schilt & Westbrook, 2015). The concept of trans identity as a debate is deeply cisnormative, as it is predicated on the idea that there is a “side” that does not recognize a person’s ability to resist the

161 gendered associations with the sex to which they are assigned at birth, change physical aspects of themselves which place them into sex categories (West & Zimmerman, 1987), resist sex and gender binaries, and embrace fluid identities. In doing so, cis people reframe trans identity in dominant terms, reasserting hegemonic and essentialist understandings of sex and gender to make sense of trans people’s experiences (Mathers, 2017).

DISCUSSION Overall, participants see themselves as loving and supportive of their parents and envision themselves as supportive of the trans community more broadly. Some cis participants relate this to their prior experiences with and knowledge of gender diversity (such as having trans friends or being exposed to trans issues and identities through coursework and affirming college environments), which has provided abstract knowledge as a filter through which they can understand and relate to the destabilization of sex, gender, and sexuality as immutable, and apply these meanings to their trans parent. Some learn about gender diversity solely through their experience navigating their parent’s transition, which provides a more limited understanding of gender diversity, but eventually leads to a similar outcome in support of their parent and the trans community more broadly. Trans participants, whose knowledge of trans issues and identities also come from personal experience, may approach their parent’s transition through their own personal experiences, or find that their parent’s transition has provided space for their own exploration of gender identity. Having a trans parent, as well as the experience of their parents working to stay together through transition, has affected most participants’ self-construction. For many

162 participants, navigating their parent’s transition includes grappling with and broadening their understandings of sex, gender, and sexuality, as well as their construction of their own identities. However, several participants also describe the development of compassion and empathy as a direct effect of navigating their parent’s transition. This empathy, while necessary and important for accepting and supporting their parents, and understanding the marginalization of the trans community, may be paradoxical, as it is often grounded in cisnormative ideologies. I define this paradox as cisnormative empathy, where the love and support that participants describe having for their parents is underpinned by cisnormative assumptions that are reinforced rather than challenged. If left critically unexamined, cisnormative empathy can contribute to the cultural and social expectations that hold trans people accountable to normative sex and gender expectations in daily life. For example, although Jenna describes herself as developing an empathetic self-identity through her dad’s transition, she engages in gender policing, which holds her dad to hegemonic standards related to her age and gender. Similarly, Sandra describes herself as a more compassionate and empathetic person overall, yet as described in Chapter 3, citing difficulty wrapping her head around her dad’s transition, continues to use he/him pronouns although she describes her dad’s exclusive use of she/her pronouns. As people with trans parents and other close friends and family members have strong potential to be effective allies for their trans loved ones and trans communities, the empathy through which their allyship is underpinned should be examined. As explained by journalist and trans activist Janet Mock, “Ally is a verb” (Oakley, 2017), meaning that in order to be effective, allies need to do continuous work that challenges oppressions and privileges from which allies benefit. Oppression and privilege cannot

163 be challenged if the empathy that underlies allyship reproduces rather than challenges cisnormative ideologies. For example, Jessica and Jeffrey each describe their cis mothers in terms of “sticking it out” and “standing by” their trans women parents through transition. Jessica even calls her mom a “hero” for staying with her dad through transition. Although both Jessica and Jeffrey love and support their trans parents and describe their increased compassion for trans communities through their experiences with their parents’ transitions, framing their cis parents in this way is based on an assumption that transition is a tragedy, and that a trans person and their cis partner staying together through transition is a heroic deed to be commended. This type of support and empathy are underpinned with cisnormative assumptions which are reinforced rather than challenged. Cisnormative empathy is not, however, a critique on the difficulties some people with trans parents experience while navigating their parent’s transition. The difficulties most participants describe are not a result of a lack of support for trans communities or trans people on the whole; participants love their parents and overwhelmingly want them to feel safe, loved, and happy. Rather, the difficulties participants describe include a lack of communication among family members, and/or complex challenges to heteronormative and cisnormative assumptions about their own families and broader ideologies surrounding gender, sexuality, and family. Supports for people with trans parents and other SOFFAs will need to address all of these issues, however, in order to be transformative, cisnormativity and heteronormativity will need to be challenged rather than reinforced.

164 For example, Sari and Laura each describe challenges they have in navigating their dads’ transitions (see Chapter 3) as well as the contradictions (which Laura defines as “hypocrisy”) they feel when combined with their broader support for trans communities. Although Sari and Laura both have trans and nonbinary friends and feel they are broadly supportive of trans rights, they describe developing empathy in terms of being able to see the “other side,” or being able to understand why family members might have a difficult time accepting their trans loved one or making some changes, such as using a trans loved one’s preferred name and pronouns rather than those they were assigned at birth. As discussed by Ruiz-Junco (2017), Cooley ([1909] 1983) implies that that empathy can lead to varied—and potentially contradictory—social results. On one hand, empathy in society is necessary to increase the perceived need to reduce social injustice. On the other hand, empathy might be used as a form of power, which he calls sympathetic influence. Thus, empathy may be used to increase social inclusion and solidarity, but may also exacerbate social injustices (Ruiz-Junco, 2017, p. 418). In the present study, the competing effects of empathy are evident in the interactions and interpretations participants describe regarding their parents, as it serves as a method of acceptance and understanding as well as a conduit for the perpetuation of cisnormative ideologies. Although some participants describe developing greater compassion for trans communities and other marginalized groups as a result of their own experiences, the empathy some participants describe for other SOFFAs is grounded in their own difficulties letting go of their own internalized cisnormativity. In the words of Angela Y. Davis (public lecture, February 21, 2019), “If you do diversity work without justice and transformation, you will still have the same apparatus except you will be a part of

165 it.” While the nature of internalized cisnormativity makes it difficult to challenge, having a support system for SOFFAs that does not challenge cisnormative assumptions will not serve justice for their trans loved ones.

166 Chapter 6

CONCLUSION

I began this study with the intention of shedding light on the experiences of people with trans parents in order to gain insights into this rarely examined but important group of SOFFAs (significant others, family, friends, and allies) for trans people. For families in which parents plan to stay together through a parent’s gender transition, their children provide a unique and necessary perspective, through which they continually navigate and negotiate the changes that they, their trans parent, and their family unit experience. Thus, I agree with previous research stating that all members of a trans individual’s family transition together (Pfeffer, 2017; Tabor, 2018). Through the preceding three chapters, I have shown how participants navigate their parent’s transition through the complexities of family dynamics, cisnormative public contexts, and the construction of self-identity. Although some of these complexities result in tensions and difficulties, a parent’s transition may even provide unique and positive experiences for their children, such as those who feel their parents have gotten closer through transition, or those who feel they are closer to their trans parent now that they are—as several participants put it—“Free to be themselves.”

Gendered Parental Asymmetries and Cisnormative Empathy Through this project, I offer two concepts that may benefit future research on people with trans parents and other SOFFAS: gendered parental asymmetries and cisnormative empathy. Gendered parental asymmetries, discussed in Chapters 3 and 4, describe the asymmetries between trans parents’ gender identities, gendered parental titles and roles, and asymmetries between cis parents’ gender identities. Cisnormative

167 empathy, discussed in Chapter 5, emphasizes the importance of empathy while offering a critique on—and describing potential dangers of—empathy that may reinforce rather than challenge cisnormativity. First, I have developed the term gendered parental asymmetries to describe the collection of asymmetries in the gender identities and roles of participants’ trans and cis parents, and to lay groundwork for further research on trans-parent family demographics and experiences. I use this concept to discuss underlying patterns and assumptions regarding intersections of gender and sexualities, parental titles and their relationship to gendered pronouns, and diverging importance of motherhood and fatherhood (especially in the context of nonbinary moms and in partnerships between cis moms and trans women dads). Within the sample of participants with 19 unique sets of parents, some clear and asymmetrical patterns emerged in terms of parental gender identity as reported by participants. First, but one cis parent identifies as women. This may be related to asymmetrical expectations regarding gender and sexuality, where fluidity in women’s sexuality is more socially acceptable (Rich, 1980), whereas masculine heterosexuality is much more rigid (R. W. Connell & Messerschmidt, 2005). A second asymmetry within the project relates to gendered parental titles and their relationship to gendered pronouns as discussed in Chapters 3. Of the 13 participants who describe their parents as trans women, 10 of them call their parent “dad” (or equivalent). Of those 10, 8 use she/her pronouns along with “dad.” Both participants with non-binary parents, assigned female at birth, call their parents “mom” and use gender-neutral pronouns. All three participants with trans men parents use their parent’s name or a masculine parent nickname (such as “Papa”) along with he/him

168 pronouns. Here, asymmetries are reflected in the pairing of gendered pronouns with parental titles, in that participants trans women dads and nonbinary moms are both queering cisnormative assumptions of what it means to be called “mom” or “dad,” but also reinforce the one-dad and only-one-biological-mom cultural schemas that shape and constrain family formations (Hayman et al., 2013; Padavic & Butterfield, 2011; Suter et al., 2015). Trans men parents in the sample, on the other hand, reinforce cultural definitions of masculinity that emphasize absence of femininity by exclusively using masculine nicknames and/or parent names (Ireland, 1993). However, it is also important to note that in public (as noted in Chapter 4), participants often call their trans women dads by their first names in public in order to avoid putting their parents in uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations. Participants with trans men parents did not describe having to navigate differences between public and private spheres in this way, as the names they call their parents likely align with (if not influence) the gender category in which they are placed while in public. Neither of the participants with nonbinary moms discussed the need to use a different name in public. This may be reflective of a broader acceptance of female androgyny (Hines, 2006). The third asymmetry refers to diverging importance of motherhood and fatherhood in participants’ descriptions of their trans women parents, particularly in Chapter 3. Several participants who continue to call their trans women parents “dad” do so because they make the distinction that their dad is not their mom. In these instances— where participants have a cis mom and a trans woman parent—it appears they prioritize the status of their moms while simultaneously diminishing the status of “dad.” It is possible that through queering processes in families with trans women parents, the

169 concept of what it means to be a “dad” (e.g. masculine assumptions of fatherhood) is destabilized and able to be associated with femininity, with its original meanings and masculine assumptions no longer relevant. Of the three participants with trans men parents, two (Taylor and Peyton) were adopted as teenagers and their parents already went by masculine names/parental titles by the time they met. As described in Chapter 3, Dena’s resistance to calling her trans man parent “dad” (although she will refer to him as such in third person) is related to being raised exclusively by lesbian parents, as well as his status as her birth parent: “[I] had never had a dad and he was mom. Let’s start with “Pa” and see where it goes.” Although Dena recognizes her trans man parent’s gender identity and pronouns, Dana’s resistance to calling him “dad” because he had been “mom” appears to also reinforce the importance of moms within family formation. Further research is needed to discuss implications of navigating gendered parental titles among people with trans men parents. The main purpose of gathering these three asymmetries into one concept is to provide groundwork to further explore shifting understandings of (and within) trans families. As there are no available demographic data that describe patterns in gender identities of trans-cis partnerships through transition, I am unable to determine whether the proportions reflected in my sample are representative of the broader population. However, given the stark contrast in gender demographics within my sample, I suggest that additional questions regarding trans family member identities be added to research (such as the U.S. Transgender Survey) that seeks to explore trans demographics and experiences.

170 The second concept I developed through this project is cisnormative empathy, which I define as the cisnormative assumptions that underlie empathy for trans communities and SOFFAs. This concept is not a critique on empathy itself, which is an important factor in both trans justice and support for SOFFAs, but is meant to be a tool through which the framing of empathy—and potential contradictions between compassion and action—can be examined. Although some difficulties are to be expected, many of the changes family members of trans people experience directly challenge their own cisnormative and heteronormative assumptions. However, framing an understanding of these difficulties as there being another “side” perpetuates an idea that trans identities—and therefore trans justice—is a debate, which is both dehumanizing to and counterproductive for trans people and communities. SOFFAs, especially those who envision themselves as empathetic and compassionate toward trans communities, need support that acknowledges the difficulty of addressing their own assumptions without framing them in such a way that reinforces the very assumptions they are attempting to challenge.

Implications This project extends current academic literature in transgender studies, family studies, and understandings of sex, gender, and sexualities. First, this study helps to fill a gap in in the literature on cis people’s responses to trans and gender nonconforming people and the cultural schemas that uphold cisnormativity (Schilt & Lagos, 2017, p. 438) by investigating participants’ experiences with cisnormative structures both within and outside the family, and suggesting how cisnormativity may be both—and sometimes simultaneously—challenged and upheld. This study also begins to

171 investigate second-generation trans experiences, that is, trans people with trans parents. Given how recent work on trans and gender nonconforming children suggests an expansion if not revolution of gender identity among younger generations (Meadow, 2018; Robertson, 2019; A. Travers, 2018), the present study indicates that trans identities in both parties in a parent-child relationship may lead to new and unique experiences that should be further investigated. Analysis of trans participants’ experiences suggests that having a trans parent or child can create an affirming space to explore one’s own gender identity, while rejecting monolithic assumptions of the trans community and acknowledging the diversity of gender identities and expressions among trans people. Most importantly, however, this project explores the spaces in which all of these literatures meet. As social understandings of sex, gender, and sexualities continue to shift and expand beyond essentialist and binary assumptions, family formations predicated on these limited roles and categorizations will continue to change. To the extent that cisnormativity and heteronormativity are inherently challenged at the structural, interactional, and personal levels, these changes will not be without difficulty, confusion, and outright resistance. Yet, history shows us that family formations—and social understandings of the needs and legitimacy status of these families—are always evolving given our continually changing social contexts (Allen & Mendez, 2018) and will continue to do so. This study, which centers the experiences of those who have strong potential for support and allyship roles within and outside their own families, can be used to help develop dynamic support systems for a population— people with trans parents—that will very likely grow in the coming years.

172 Taken together with recent works on trans families such as Carla Pfeffer’s Queering Families (2017), Ann Travers’ The Trans Generation (2018), and Tey Meadow’s Trans Kids (2018), this project helps to further investigate the roles of SOFFAs and how they navigate their family member’s disclosure and/or transition internally, interactionally, and in broader social context. Although all of these works attend to trans identities and trans justice with an overall positive and supportive outlook, the present study also helps to remind us that SOFFAs (especially those who are cis-identified) must continue to interrogate how support and empathy can both challenge and uphold cisnormativity if not critically examined. The findings in this project also have several policy implications. Although not all parents will stay together through one parent’s transition, this study is positioned to break the long-standing assumptions that couples cannot—or should not—successfully navigate transition together, and that attempting to do so would have negative implications for their children. Through the preceding three chapters, I have shown that although navigating a parent’s transition is complex given the cisnormative and sometimes even hostile social environment, a parent’s transition does not need to be the great family disruptor it has historically been assumed to be—such as in the media coverage of Caitlin Jenner’s public transition and the focus on struggles within her family (See for example, Corriston, 2017; Lynne, 2018). Family-related policies in schools, medical facilities (including therapeutic interventions), and other places children of trans parents may encounter cisnormative assumptions about families should take care to focus on the unique experiences and family formations within trans- parented families, rather than assuming that experiencing a parent’s transition has uniformly negative effects (Stacey & Biblarz, 2001) on the child.

173 Additionally, the present study has policy implications specifically related to adoption and education. While policies that allow adoption by LGBTQ+ parents have made incredible headway in recent years, they continue to be under fire (Cody et al., 2017). The experiences of trans participants—especially Peyton and Taylor—indicate that much is to be gained through adoption by trans parents. Peyton and Taylor each directly relate their ability to explore their own gender identity and navigate transition to not only the supportive home environment of their adoptive families, but by having that experience shaped by their trans adoptive parent. Prior research indicates that children of LGBTQ+ parents are more open to and tolerant of diversity (Robitaille & Saint-Jacques, 2009; Titlestad & Pooley, 2014), and trans parents may offer vital experiences in shaping knowledge and acceptance of gender and sexual diversity. In order to be critical of the assumptions that LGBTQ+ identities among children are negative or undesirable outcomes, the logics of caution around LGBTQ+ adoption and parenting must shift. The findings in this study suggest that trans adoptive parents have much to offer gender variant adoptees and may also help shape broader understanding and acceptance of gender variance among cis adoptees. Educational policy implications include the need for evidence-based inclusion of gender variance at all grade levels and across disciplines. At the college level, gender diversity in the curriculum is generally relegated to courses in gender studies. In recent years, some scholars have begun to call attention to pedagogical methods of centering marginalized voices in course curricula that typically center the contributions of white, cis, heterosexual men. In centering marginalized voices, we can begin to recognize the contributions of those whose knowledge has been systematically suppressed by dominant culture (Collins, 2000). One example of resisting the hegemonic structure of

174 white cis hetero men’s knowledge is in decolonization, or the “process of revealing and dismantling colonialist power in all its forms…dismantling the hidden aspects of those institutional and cultural forces that had maintained the colonialist power and that remain even after political independence is achieved” (Ashcroft, Griffiths, & Tiffin, 2000, p. 56). Yvette DeChavez (2018), a Latinx writer and scholar of literature, describes her decision to decolonize her syllabus:

In my role as a postdoctoral lecturer, decolonization manifested as a syllabus and classroom that centered on the writing and perspectives of Native Americans and people of color, including classic texts by Leslie Marmon Silko, Toni Morrison and Sandra Cisneros. This wasn’t an attempt to diversify; I wasn’t simply sprinkling in indigenous and person of color works. Instead, these voices were dominant.

This dedication to restructuring the syllabus to consider the power structures that create and legitimize knowledge and storytelling may also be applied here: I suggest a pedagogical restructuring that decenters cisnormativity. Although the increasing visibility of gender diverse children is moving parents to push for greater inclusion at primary and secondary educational levels (Meadow, 2018; A. Travers, 2018), gender diversity within the formal curriculum at these levels continues to be virtually nonexistent. Given the recent visibility of trans lives and public discourse around trans justice issues, Wentling and colleagues (2008) give several suggestions for creating trans-friendly syllabi, courses, and classrooms, emphasizing the diversity within trans communities within the curriculum (as well as in choice of authors/sources), and avoiding stereotyping trans people. Although their paper specifically focuses on teaching transgender topics in a variety of different sociology courses (such as sociology of family and sociology of health and medicine), the suggestions they make can be applied to coursework outside of sociology not just at the college level, but also throughout primary and secondary schooling. For example, using evidence-based sex

175 education programs that explicitly discuss trans and intersex identities and relationships, including trans narratives and contributions in history, deconstructing the rigidity of the two-sex system in biology, or focusing on the marginalization of trans people in legal contexts are just some possible paths toward integration. Current legislation that surrounds how sex education is taught must be addressed at the level of policy, which includes how federal funding is dispersed. Although federal funding for adolescent sexual health education has shifted away from abstinence-only-until-marriage programs in favor of more comprehensive programming over the last decade, these programs are placed on the chopping block as social conservatives seek to redirect federal dollars back into harmful abstinence-only education (Donovan, 2017). A possible pathway for SOFFA advocacy and activism could be to work to shift these policies toward comprehensive programming which works to deconstruct essentialist understandings of gender and sexuality and is inclusive of trans and intersex identities, relationships, and narratives. As Nicolazzo (2016, p. 143-144) suggests, recognizing how gender mediates everyone’s lives—not just the lives of trans people—forces cis people to see themselves as benefiting from the expansion of gender as a category without requiring trans people to shoulder the burden of resisting those categories and educating others. If educators and education institutions recognize this, such as through the questioning of the influence of gender on attitudes, behaviors, policies, and practices, all students can benefit. Resistance to rigid gender categories, roles, and norms, may allow all students—not just those who are gender nonconforming or trans-identified—to question and challenge the negative impacts of gendered expectations. This would mean that educators would need to take part in gender-inclusive education and trainings, and trans

176 educators need to be supported by both their colleagues as well as the institution of education, which begins at the level of hiring then moves to retention. As some states continue to fire teachers who disclose their LGBTQ+ identities—whether intentionally or unwillingly (Beall, 2018; Bigham, 2017)—this project also has implications for broader anti-discrimination policies for gender and sexual minorities.

Future Directions and Final Thoughts The present study provides an entrée into the lives and experiences of young adults whose parents plan to stay together through one parent’s gender transition. Although I describe unique and important contributions these participants make in their understanding of their own lives, experiences, families, and how they are situated in the broader social world, I only begin to describe the unique experiences and rich diversity of these families. As our understanding of identities are constantly shifting, it is important to acknowledge that, over time, trans families will continue to navigate and negotiate familial and social changes. As most of the participants in this study have parents who are relatively early in their transitions, it is possible that some of their parents’ relationships may dissolve over time or go through additional changes that may impact their and their children’s views and perceptions. Future research on trans families would benefit from longitudinal and ethnographic designs, which would better capture individual family members’ navigational experiences and negotiations as they happen over time, as well as contextualize them within other family members’ experiences. Additionally, the knowledge of trans families would be enriched through the exploration of families whose experiences are further complicated by systems of oppression often

177 navigated by trans people but that are not captured in the present study, such as those who are involved with the underground economy or the prison industrial complex, are disabled, immigrants, and/or are people of color. Some participants mentioned that their trans parent or cis parent is disabled, but this disclosure was usually in passing, and was not brought up by participants during in-depth discussions of their experiences navigating their parent’s transition. It is my hope that the findings from this study will be used as both an outlet and a resource for individuals with transitioning parents to use and understand the experiences of others in similar situations. I believe that sociological research should be both accessible and relevant to the public, and I intend to use my findings to assist in the development and dissemination of resources for individuals for transitioning family members, as previous research indicates a paucity of these resources (Veldorale-Griffin, 2014). The present study is intended to add to the understanding of trans parenting and family dynamics, centering the voices of adolescent and young adult children of parents who have stayed together through transition. This study is not meant to act as a substitution for trans voices, which are often left out or marginalized through medical and social science trans research alike (Serano, 2016). Rather, children’s voices add another perspective: one that is both an observer and a participant in their own family’s transition, through which they combine socialization, knowledge, and internalized understandings to construct meanings attributed to their daily lives, conceptions of gender and sexuality, and themselves. Ideally, this study will be used to add to the conversation on not only trans families, but also on the broader implications on having a trans parent as they experience the various transitions within their family. While their

178 parent is transitioning, there are other transitions happening, including their parents’ relationship, family understandings, and meanings of gender and roles. As we move further into the gender revolution, the meanings we assign to gender identities and roles will continue to shift and expand. This holds important implications for the family, as gender is deeply embedded into family structures. Through the queering processes described by participants, we can see how family definitions, understandings, and policies, may become more inclusive and supportive through those who challenge and redefine cisnormative boundaries. If we are to proclaim that the future is queer, given the centrality of family to social life and structure, the future of the family must be queer as well.

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198 Appendix A

PARTICIPANT INFORMATION

Current Age Learned Pseudonym Orientation Gender ID Pronouns Age Parent is Trans Jenna straight cis woman she/her 21 14 Laura straight/questioning cis woman she/her 21 20 Jeffrey straight cis man he/him 25 19 cis man/ Christopher straight/questioning questioning he/him 22 20 Noah straight cis man he/him 18 17 Sandra straight cis woman she/her 20 19 Suzie bisexual cis woman she/her 18 20 Sari straight cis woman she/her 19 17 Jessica straight cis woman she/her 22 16 Alyssa asexual/aromantic cis woman she/her 19 15 Meredith bisexual cis woman she/her 19 14 Bianca straight cis woman she/her 20 18 Peyton queer/polyam transman he/him 23 20 ace/demi/ Mike panromantic/polyam transmasc He/they 23 23 nonbinary (b/t agender and Becca queer woman) she/her 21 20 gender non she/her/ Taylor lesbian conforming any 19 15 Dena bisexual cis woman she/her 27 10 Sierra pansexual cis woman she/her 30 27 straight (but finds Angie women attractive) cis woman she/her 20 16 Robyn bisexual/queer nonbinary they/them 28 27

199 Appendix B

PARTICIPANT PARENT INFORMATION

Cis Parent's Pseudonym Trans Parent's Gender ID Trans Parent's Title Pronouns Gender ID Jenna Woman Dad she/her Woman

Laura did not articulate Dad he/him (as of interview) Woman Jeffrey Woman Dad she/her Woman Christopher Woman Dad she/her Woman she/her (participant Noah Woman Dad often uses he/him) Woman parent uses she/her, participant, sister, and Sandra Woman Dad mom all use he/him Woman Suzie Woman Mom she/her Woman Sari Woman Dad she/her Woman Jessica Woman Dad she/her Woman Nonbinary/genderqueer/ Alyssa genderfluid Mom they/them Man Meredith Woman Mama she/her Woman Bianca Woman Dad/Papi she/her Woman Peyton transman Max he/him Woman Mike woman Maddie she/her Woman "understanding of gender Becca has changed" Dad he/him Woman Taylor man Papa he/him Woman Dena man Pa (dad 3rd person) he/him Woman Sierra woman Dad she/her Woman she/her (participant sometimes uses Angie woman Dad he/him) Woman Robyn* nonbinary Mom ze/zir Woman *Robyn describes their cis parent as not having an emotional attachment to status of woman: “If you really pressed Pat on her gender she’ll say that her gender is just Pat.”

200 Appendix C

PRE-INTERVIEW SURVEY

PRE-INTERVIEW SURVEY FOR RESEARCH: The lived experiences and perceptions of young adults with transitioning parents Andrea D. Kelley, MA, MSW University of Delaware

CURRENT AGE: SEX: GENDER: SEXUAL ORIENTATION: RACE/ETHNICITY: EDUCATION (Highest grade/degree completed): CURRENT OCCUPATION/STUDENT STATUS: ZIP CODE WHERE YOU LIVED DURING PARENT’S TRANSITION: AGES WHEN YOU LIVED WITH YOUR PARENTS: GENDER OF TRANSITIONING PARENT BEFORE TRANSITION: CURRENT GENDER OF TRANSITIONING PARENT: GENDER OF NON-TRANSITIONING PARENT: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LEARNED OF YOUR PARENT’S TRANSITION?: HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE?: WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS’ OCCUPATIONS?:

201 Appendix D

INTERVIEW GUIDE

1. Tell me about your childhood, before your parent began their transition. 2. When did you first learn about [your parent’s] transition? 3. What was it like? What did you think then? 4. Could you describe the events that led up to that? 5. What was going on in your life then? 6. How would you describe how you viewed your family before [your parent’s] transition? How, if at all, has your view of your family changed? 7. Tell me about your role in the family. What are you responsible for? 8. How, if at all, has your role changed since [your parent’s] transition? 9. Tell me about your parents. How would you describe their relationship? 10. How, if at all, do you think your parents’ relationship has changed through the transition? 11. Tell me about your romantic life. How, if at all, has it been affected by [your parent’s] transition? 12. Can you tell me how you go about dating/finding someone to date? 13. What do you think is important in a romantic relationship? 14. Tell me about your social life outside of your family. 15. Have you told any of your friends, teachers, or anyone else about [your parent’s] transition? How did that go? 16. After [your parent] told you about their transition, did you seek any outside resources to learn more or talk about it? [Counseling, internet, etc] 17. Have you seen any stories or information about trans people on TV or on the internet? How, if at all, do those stories relate to your family? 18. Tell me about how your views on transgender people or issues might have changed after learning about [your parent’s] transition. 19. Have you used social media to read or talk to others about your experiences? Tell me about it. 20. Who or what has been the most helpful during this time? How have they been helpful? 21. Could you describe the most important lessons you learned through experiencing [your parent’s] transition? 22. Have you grown as a person since [your parent’s] transition? Tell me about your strengths that you have discovered? What do you value most about yourself now? 23. After having these experiences, what advice would you give to someone who has just learned that their parent is transgender? 24. Is there anything you might not have thought about before that occurred to you during this interview? 25. Is there anything else you think I should know to understand your experiences better? 26. Is there anything you would like to ask me?

202 Appendix E

IRB APPROVAL LETTER

203