Volume IV The January 2012 Tin Hats of

historian’s report for 2011

“associated with the electrical industry since 1935” What to Read:

 Golf Committee Warning: Pick Cart Partner Carefully at Ridge at Broke Back Page 2

 The Sieve dredges Delaware and drags up JUST CALL HIM six new Associates Newtown Square, PA— The day did not start out well for hot putter was the real Ed Gilmore. On his way from Sea Isle City to Aronimink difference maker. Even Page 2 his car breaks down in Glassboro. Fearing he may miss Razor Ray commented,  Rufilin: The Secret to the shotgun start, he desperately “I never saw Ed putt so Neutralizing Historian? calls around to AAA and anyone to well.” But eventually Page 3 pick him up. His daughter reluctant- that new knee started to  Larry: A Year of Highs ly agrees. A short time later long wear on Ed’s stamina. and Lows time bud, George Lyngarkos calls “I started playing golf Page 3 and says he can swing over and two weeks after I had it  Myshko: That Old Prick in grab him. When George shows up replaced,” commented the Middle Ed looks like a vagrant on the side of Ed. “I could only do a Page 5 the road in shorts, with a cane and hole or two, but the doc  New Tin Hats Charity: his golf bag. They race to the said I couldn’t break it. Make-A-Dumb-Wish course and get there in the nick of So I just kept playing until I couldn’t Foundation time. Ed gimps across the parking take it any more. Up until that day Page 5 lot with his new knee just in time to at Aronimink, the most I had played grab a golf cart, a flag and Complete Retrofit was 13 holes before I had to bag it head out with his foursome to the sec- and rest.” So what was his motiva- Inside this issue: ond hole to start his round. No warm-ups on the driving tion this day? “Boom-Boom,” said range, no practice putts or chipping on the practice green, Ed. “That new kid Boom-Boom not even time to grab a cocktail before heading out. Not MacDonald was my biggest cheer exactly the guy you expect to win The Hat. leader, urging me not to give up.

Flash back to early August. Ed decides it is time to get his Without him, I don’t know if I would Trophies & Prizes Holiday Luncheon turns other bum knee replaced. After taking a look at what he have finished. He helped me con- ugly as McGrogan rolls out 2 had to work with, the doc told him, “No sense putting a new centrate, one shot at a time.” It line of Krausewear tire on a car that looks like it came apparently made the difference. out of a demolition derby.” Ed opt- Ed had nine straight fives on the Ed’s Biggest Cheerleader The Handicapper: ed for the complete overhaul. “I back nine. He ended up with a 43-45-88. The strange part is Don’t piss him off or you pretty much ran my body into the that Ed had no idea how well he was doing. He never got to might get “A handicap 2 ground so a complete retrofit made see the handicaps for the day, due to his late arrival. When you can’t refuse.” sense.” Two months later, he still he got back to the club house, he had to sit

looked like a lame nag at the start- in the locker room for 30 minutes before he Cookie Man Crumbles Putter fails Orio after Sucker Bets Galore ing post at the Kentucky Derby. At could summon the energy to even take a he bags the dreaded 3 the pre tournament lunch, Tin Hat shower. “Eventual runner-up Siegfried Green Biben Bookmaker Mark Deese was having a busy day as every- approached me after I came in,” explained one laid their bets on the likely winner. “The suckers were Ed, “He asked me how I did and I said ‘OK’.

2011 Iron Hat lined up around the bar!”, crowed Deese. “I was taking When he asked me my gross, I told him 88. Tin Hat Trio share bets on guys that weren’t even here. Shit, I was getting He looked like I had award after posting 3 action at 80-1 on Ron Smallwood. At 100-1 no one put a kicked him in the groin. perfect seasons nickel on Gilmore.” Kicked in Groin Then he told me, that Safe money was on perennial favorite Jeff Siegfried and with my 23 handicap, I had netted a 65.

In Memoriam home course favorite Peter Bellwoar. “It was then that I started to realize that I

Tin Hats mourn the loss The second tier included recent winner was definitely in the hunt.” After taking a of George Henisee as he 3 Rick Armour, two time hat winner Bill shower he headed to the bar to suck joins the ranks of the Walker, and John Schaffer. Most agreed down a few martini’s to compliment his recently departed that the late Ron Smallwood had a better pain killers. “When Goodwin announced shot at The Hat than Ed. But underneath me as the winner, I really started to tear

Holiday Tradition that gimpy body lurked The Gilmorenator, up. I couldn’t believe that all my efforts Tin Hat rookie hears made of carbon steel legs, brass balls to rehab myself had actually culminated Knock Off The Tears the re-telling of a 4 and a cold titanium heart. But Ed played in my winning The Hat. At the presentation ceremony, Ed Christmas Miracle it coy. Like the old tale of the hare and was about to break into a full cry when Joe Henry shouted the tortoise, Ed was not going to win any out, “Is this the Tin Hats or a fuckin’ Oprah Special? I had to The Crowli Lama: The Gilmorenator foot races today. When asked about his walk while my friggin’ hemorrhoids where screaming, but you Gives insights to the strategy that don’t hear me boo-hooing mysteries of the 5 Tin Hat Universe day, Ed explained, “All I could do like a little girl. If I see one was swing easy and make good more tear, I’ll shove that Hat contact. The knee was still sore. so far up your ass you will Gilmore’s Latest Scam: I never hit a ball more than 190 never stop crying.” That Claims he is love child of late Philly yards all day. But I was always brought some composure icons Chief Halftown & Sally Starr in the fairway.” So Fast Eddie back to Ed and the meeting ends in his arrest was transformed into Slow & back to order. After the Steady Eddie. Fellow foursome presentation, Ed took the members weren’t paying a lot of time to rub some salt in the attention to his play. “That old wounds with a salute to his bastard Jack Beiter was ringing fellow competitors with a up a steady string of double bo- bastardized gladiator quote, Salute To Unworthy Adversaries gey’s,” remarked Razor Ray. “I “"Ave, Imperator, ad envious mori- thought he was in the running all the way!” But Ed’s big- turi te salutant" “For those who are about to die of envy, I salute gest key to success was with the flat stick. “I never had you!” With that the new Champion was formerly elevated more than 2 putts all day,” reflected the champ. On a day among the immortals. Winning the hat for the second time when three putts were common and the Cookie Man had a made him the 18th Tin Hat to accomplish that feat. Ed then Green Biben six putt (See Cookie Man Crumbles Page 3), having a welcomed all well wishers to kiss his rosy red rectum! The Golf Committee Report The Handicap Committee Report How can you best describe what the Golf Committee means to the Tin Hats? Long Handicapper Bill Goodwin once again showed why he was not a man to be fucked time Tin Hat Historian Bob Davis once described them as, “The sticks that stir the with. “Let me be clear! Nobody messes with The Goodfather. Although my position drink. And I like to drink.” Well, if you are like Bob Davis, get ready for a real bend- is only bestowed on those with the highest mor- er in 2012. The boys pulled together the most interesting venues in Tin Hat History. als standards, I have my friends and they know Starting off with a little March Mystery, we will be stopping by a couple of traditional how to demonstrate their friendship to me”, ex- favorites, visit a few we haven’t played in years, play two new venues and play at claimed the most powerful position among all the the place that twice hosted the U.S. Open. But it is the place we will play for The Tin Hats at the Holiday Luncheon. “But beware, Hat that has gotten the most attention. The announcement that The Ridge at Broke doing nothing is not an act of friendship. If you wish to polish my knob, I can assure you that a Back will be hosting our championship had members looking nervously around the 750ml bottle of Ketel One will not even get me room. “I want to warn everyone to think twice when you pick your cart partner!”, was stimulated. If you want to really pay tribute to a word to the wise from Committeeman Ron Pace. me, my powerful skills and raise my eyebrow, a Clear your calendars and lock down these dates! 1.5ml bottle will get me aroused, but a case of March 29-30th Pre Season Tune Up TBD (Host Golf Committee) Ketel One will definitely put some big time lead in th this handicapper’s pencil.” But don’t ever cross April 24 Llanerch CC (Host Jeff Siegfried) Friendship Has A Price rd The Goodfather! When Historian MacFarland May 23 Trenton CC (Host Larry Low) th wrote unkindly of Goodwin in his annual report, he paid the price. The Goodfather June 12 Rolling Green GC (Host Donald Brown) explained, “At Aronimink I gave him a handicap he could not refuse. Ask him how it June 26th Lehigh CC (Host Lloyd Jones) felt vying for The Hat after I slapped his ass with that 3 handicap?” So a word to the July 24th Saint Davids GC (Host Jeff Siegfried) wise. With The Ridge at Back Brooke hosting our championship, you may want to August 14th Moselem Springs (Host Steve Schneider) consider your strategy. A couple of extra chap sticks and a new knob polishing cloth September TBD Philadelphia Cricket (Host Harry Miller) may be required equipment if you want the slightest chance of being in contention. th As for the year end handicaps, read ‘em weep! October 4 The Ridge at Broke Back (Host Larry Low) nd November 2 Squires GC (Host Donald Brown) Armour—20.4 Jack Beiter—30.9 Jeff Beiter—38.1 Peter Bellwoar—8.3

If you have ideas for future golf venues or are interested Gene Biben—19.3 Jim Bogan—18.9 Don Brown—25.6 Jim Carrigan—31.7 in hosting an event, contact our incredible Golf Commit- Jeff Condinho—14.5 Tim Cooney—7.4 Bruce Crowly—23.7 Mike Cucinotta—10.6 Kevin Dare—13.2 Mark Deese—10.3 Bill Dibui—15.3 Bob Duff—29.2 tee Co-Chairs Ron Pace & Don Brown with assistance Ed Gilmore—16.0 Bill Goodwin—18.1 Jack Graham—26.0 John Hahn—17.8 from the Siegfried World Wide Golf Tours, Inc ® Dave Harnitchek—17.3 George Henisee—24.5 Joe Henry—20.2 Lloyd Jones—11.6

The Golf Committee shall select the Golf Clubs and Hosts and schedule the Golf Meetings Bill Krause—16.5 Larry Low—18.3 Ray Low—32.3 George Lyngarkos—12.6 for the calendar year. Tin Hat By-Laws D—2 Dave MacFarland—12.8 Charlie MacDonald—33.5 Hugh McGrogan—22.1 Pat Melvin—19.3 Rich Mento—13.9 Harry Miller—23.4 Tom Norris—27.4 Tom Orio—24.6 Kevin O’Rourke—21.0 Ron Pace—19.1 Bob Powell—20.9 Brendan Powell—15.5 Jerry Powell—12.0 John Schaffer—9.7 Steve Schneider—18.1 Jeff Siegfried—3.9 The Sieve—Membership Committee Mike Sullivan—16.0 Bill Walker—22.1 Ron Zemnick—4.6

The Sieve had another busy year. Their top priority was to focus on filling the nu- This committee shall collect scores from the players at all golf meetings. They shall establish and publish handicap lists per merous open Associate memberships. Not satisfied with previous efforts to get the accepted regulations for each golf meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws D—3 members to attract any new associates, senior Sieve Kevin O’Rourke set out to show there was a new sheriff in town. After learning that the Trophies and Prizes Committee Army Corps of Engineers was dredging The Trophies & Prizes Committee made some mod- the Delaware, he ordered Dave MacFar- est upgrades to the prizes side of their business. land to sift through the sediment in Most notably gone were the tube socks, Jaegermeis- hopes me might find last year’s new ter and range balls. But the days of fine bottles of associate Len Sanelli. O’Rourke elabo- Irish Whiskey and Kentucky Bourbon are still a distant rated, “We have reason to believe that memory. Never missing a chance to take a cheap Len is sleeping with the fishes. An Sanelli’s Fate? Prizes shot, Kevin O’Rourke got the group riled up early, “I Italian from New Jersey that disap- Trophies wouldn’t wipe my ass after being violated by Jerry Sandusky with this pears. You do the math. We garbage.” Before you knew it, it turned into a free for all. Not one to hold back his wanted to give him a proper burial opinion, Jerry Powell came out swinging, “They got a lot of balls rolling out this crap and maybe dredge up a few other and calling it prizes! Not one fucking ounce of Bushmills!” Rick Armour was quick to bodies we could turn into Associ- pile on, “These have got to be the ates.” Their strategy was partially New Sheriff in Town most hideous looking shirts I have successful. They were able to ever seen. John Daley would be scrape six new Associates off the bottom. Three electri- Jeff Condinho Tim Cooney embarrassed to wear them.” cal contractors, Tim Cooney of N. B. Cooney, Al Friscia of Even gentleman John Schaffer J.P Rainey and Charlie “Boom-Boom” MacDonald of laid a haymaker on Hugh, “Where Charles MacDonald Electric. The other three were electric did you get this trash, out of suppliers, Jeff Condinho of S&C Electric, Lloyd Jones of Kraussie’s dresser?” Bob Duff Lehigh Electrical Products and Mike Sullivan of Thomas & saw some upside to the choices, Betts. Sadly, they were not able recover the body of Len Kraussie’s Dresser? Pimp Wear? “If I ever wanted to take up pimp- Sanelli. “In his memory we have decided to posthumously ing, that table would be a good place to start my wardrobe.” award Len the inaugural Brandon Siemion Award’”, com- mented a teary eyed O’Rourke. “The BSA is intended to “I tell ya’, I get no respect”, bemoaned prizemeister Hugh “Danger- help us all remember those associates that we never met.” Al Friscia Lloyd Jones field” McGrogan, who is one half of the committee that everyone loves to hate. “I bust my fuckin’’ ass all year long, working the discount Then came the shocker announcement that 18 year Tin racks at the clubs to try and stretch my limited budget. And what do I Too ugly for Daley? Hat veteran George Henisee was retiring. “Guys like get? A crock of shit from a bunch of cheap bastards that wouldn’t know good golf George are tough to replace.” commented Sieve Bruce fashion if it hit them in their fat asses!” Crowly. He was the one guy I could always count upon to Seeing the crowd was getting ugly, Peter Bellwoar was quick to throw his partner protect me from snagging The Seat. Fortunately, I’ve seen under the bus, “I was in charge of trophies, don’t blame me. The only thing I got was this new kid Boom-Boom MacDonald. I am pretty sure he that bottle of Silver Oak for Siegfried for low gross. You don’t see him complaining.” can pick up the slack for George and protect my back.” Finally, an exasperated Hugh told the crowd, “You can all kiss my rosy red Irish ass!” Outgoing Incoming Boom-Boom Mike Sullivan This committee shall select and award prizes at the final golf meeting of the year, for all “Active” and “Active Retired” Members, as The Sieve shall review and select proposed new members to fill any budgeted by the Cash Can. Awards to be selected by the attending members in order of lowest net scores. Active and Active-Retired vacancy in the Active Membership. They shall poll all the Active Members not attending shall be awarded remaining prizes later. Tin Hat By-Laws D—4—a Members to determine the best qualified and most eligible candi- date. After their decision they shall notify the proposing member, the Tin Typer, the Cash Can, and the membership at the next meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws C—4—b The Cash Can’s Report The sounds of the holiday season filled the room as the Cash Can started jingling his bags of gold coins. “I come bearing good news!” shouted a jolly The Historical Committee Report Larry Low. “After juggling the books it turns out that more money has come He’s baaaaaaaaaacccckkk! For some inexplicable reason, High Hat Larry Low has in than has gone out.” Merriment filled the air with the new found wealth. chosen to reaffirm Dave MacFarland as historian. “It’s not that I am a sucker for After suggesting that we should use the $100 annual dues to cover the costs punishment”, explained Low. “It’s just that no one else would take the damn job. I’m of the holiday luncheon, Larry’s motion was unanimously passed. A second Jolly Cash Can afraid we might be stuck with him for the foreseeable future.” When queried about motion by Jeff Siegfried to squirrel away a few bucks at each outing for a the method to his madness MacFarland offered his new and improved formula. Hole In One Fund, was also approved. However, the details of how much per outing “One sliver of truth, one or two facts, add a ton of bullshit, then mix thoroughly with and how it was to be dispensed was left to the Cash Can and Prizes Committee to sort five or six fabrications, two or three outright lies and thirty to forty doctored internet out. Since the members share in the liquor bill, the necessity of having an ace winner photos and whallah, you got yourself a Historian’s Report. There is no buy all the drinks appeared to be a moot point, but talk of a special trophy and cash reason that the facts should get in the way of history or a good story, the award at the holiday luncheon garnered some appeal. truth is boring. Nobody would read this shit if I didn’t spice it up.” Treasurer—to be known as “Cash Can” shall serve for renewable yearly terms upon nomination and election by the Active Members at the final golf meeting of the year. He shall be responsible for all finances of the Tin Hats, subject to approval of the High Hat. He shall Historical—This committee shall keep detailed records of all Tin Hat activities, (including dates and maintain an interest-bearing checking account, with signature authorized by either himself or the High Hat. He shall pay all legitimate Tin pictures) of members, golf clubs, trophy winners, officers, special events, etc. These records shall be Hat bills. He shall send bills to members attending meetings in accordance with details supplied by the meeting Hosts. He shall present available for the inspection at the convenience of the committee and the members. The Historian is periodic “Cash Can Reports”. At the annual Christmas Party he shall give a detailed accounting of the past year’s financial accounting of responsible for insulting, harassing and generally pissing off all past, present and future Tin Hats & past year’s financial activities and submit a recommendation for the oncoming years dues and budget for approval of the Active Mem- Historian their guests. Tin Hat By-Laws D—8 bers. He shall then send bills to all Active Members for yearly dues. He shall levy and collect all assessments in accordance with the By- Re-Affirmed Laws. He shall notify the Tin Typer of any member not meeting attendance requirements. Tin Hat By-Laws C-3 In Memoriam

Larry—A year of Highs & Lows Henisee George 1994—2011 For Larry Low, it turned out to be quite a year to remember or possibly to try and forget. Flash back It is with great sadness that the Tin Hats bid farewell to George Henisee. The three time winner of The Seat, one time winner of to October 6, 2010, Philadelphia Country Club. Larry has just pulled off a miraculous round that ends The Hat and 2005 High Hat, had a career with him being crowned with The Hat. His proud father looked on often filled with controversy. During his and watched as he and his son had become the fifth father—son stewardship as High Hat, the infamous Bob or Sale— Slightly used, full figured Powell Affair occurred. Called upon to adju- man’s Speedo. Asking $15 or best combo to have their names inscribed for eternity. Jump forward dicate the matter of Red Tees Powell having to October 13, 2011, Aronimink Golf Club. A tow truck is seen on an unfair advantage, George made the sad offer. Call Joe H.—856-768-1903. mistake of supporting Powell and cheating the fairway dragging Larry back to the clubhouse. His wheels Bill Walker of an outright win of The Hat. came off early and then things got worse. In the locker room When he won The Hat himself in 2009, a there was plenty of chatter, but all Larry could muster was, “It cloud of suspicion surrounded his victory. Staring into The Abyss Rumors that he had been scouting the wasn’t my day.” After he showered, he headed to the bar to help prepare himself for the inevitable. course for months in advance of the champi- Although he would soon be ordained as the 77th High Hat, it was The Seat that weighed heavy on his onship cast a shadow over his win. Career of Controversy mind. Like the Sirens drawing ships onto the rocks, the Seat called him closer for his final insult of The Perfect Season the day. But the closer he got, the more he looked like a man staring into the abyss. Trio Share Iron Hat Award It was not going to be a good night. The meeting had an ominous start after it was discovered that Dave MacFarland continued his four year streak of perfect attendance, but he had to share the 2011 Iron Hat award Jim Bogan’s invisible shield had apparently enveloped his #1 back up Bruce Crowly as well as #2 back with Donald Brown and Dave Harnitchek. It was Brown’s up Kevin O’Rourke. It was up to 3rd string substitute High second consecutive perfect year and the first for Hat pro tempore George Lyngarkos who was called off the Harnitchek. Harnitchek was proud of his accomplishment. bench to bring the meeting to order. He quickly handed the “I finally got my life priorities straight. You can work any day, but Tin Hat golf happens only a few times a year.” gavel and the title of High Hat over to Larry. But it was The Donald was more philosophical, “MacFarland is just a clear that the elation of ascending to the Tin Hat summit blood thirsty golf vampire. The only way to stop him is to would soon be followed by a plunge to the depths of despair. put a stake in his heart.” Bill Goodwin would be the one who would be the bearer of 3rd Stringer to the Rescue Bad News Bill the bad news. “The 2011 Snagger of The Seat is our new High Hat, Larry Low.”

Hugh McGrogan could not unload that bad boy quick enough. As he handed it to Larry, Hugh grinned ear to ear. He stood taller like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He did his best to try and console Larry, “Beiter once told me, if you don’t want to have to look at it, you can always shove it up your ass!” Then came the toughest part of the Two in a Row First Timer Fourth in a Row Only Alternative day. Not only would he be forced to take The Cookie Man Crumbles ownership of The Seat with one hand, but he was now required to give away The Hat he so The greens at Aronimink are notoriously fast treasured with the other to Ed Gilmore. and difficult. So it was no surprise that many Handoff from Happy Hugh Once the deed was done, he just hung his Tin Hats would likely rack up several three or head in despair. When later asked, “What part of your game let you four putts. But the ghost of Lenape Chief down?” Larry replied, “Driving, irons, pitching, chipping, sand Try shoving it up your ass! Aronimink and the treachery of traps and putting.” The follow up question was even more revealing. “What was the high teamed up and totally got inside Tom Orio’s point of your day?” Larry smiled, “Dropping that last 10’ putt allowed me to dodge the The Cookie Man head. “At first I thought it was bullet and avoid a Biben six putt.” Once the dust had settled, it was up to the Historian to just a case of The Yips,” lamented dole out even more pain with the historical implications of Larry’s collapse. Orio. “But the next thing I know I am missing 6” tap ins.” The Dodged One He had become the 9th man in Tin Hat history to hold the Triple Crown of The Hat, The Seat worst of the worst came on the and High Hat. However he did it in the shortest time in Tin Hat history 6th hole. After lagging a 25’ putt making his accomplishment in just 371 days. This blew away previous Crumbles within two feet, it took five more record holder Bob Seaton’s 726 day record for the same feat. It also The Dreaded putts before the ball finally dropped. Orio had Green Biben dwarfed his dad’s 8035 days to achieve this milestone. Larry also made the first recorded Green Biben six putt. As became the third person to simultaneously hold the title of High Hat the round wore on, The Cookie Man continued to fall apart. By and owner of The Seat . But it doesn’t end there. Larry now holds two the end he had racked up thee four putts, five three putts and records all by himself. First, he is the only Tin Hat to simultaneously the dreaded Green Biben on his card. “What can I say?” said hold the titles of The Hat, High Hat, and The Seat, if only for a few brief Orio. “That’s the way The Cookie Man crumbled.” minutes. Second, he became the first Tin Hat in history to go from first to worst in just one year. The fact that he also served as Cash Tin Hat Alleges Rufilin Trap

Can was just a little icing on his historical cake. Momentarily held Three Titles The Emergency Winter Meeting held at Old Memorial had a bit of a scandal. It appeared that Historian Dave MacFarland O’Rourke Files for Bankruptcy became the victim of the date rape drug, Hard times have fallen on former High Hat Kevin O’Rourke. When the economy sucks and you are looking for Rufilin. “I was just minding my own busi- work it can put a lot of pressure on you. But O’Rourke’s problems are not financial. In his Chapter 11 court ness drinking a half dozen or so Grey filing O’Rourke claimed that he was morally bankrupt. “It tough to admit you are at the end of your rope,” sighed Goose martini’s. The next thing I know I a dejected O’Rourke. “But I was left with no option. I tried to donate my body to science, but was turned down. I am out like a light. I woke up the next applied for admission to the George Lyngarkos Home for Wayward Tin Hat Souls. He just laughed and slammed morning slathered in Vaseline and feeling the door in my face. Next I tried selling myself on the mean really backed up. Although I can’t prove it, streets of Chester, but I couldn’t even pull a cheap trick on a down on her luck crack whore. The final straw was being rejected by I suspect it was Siegfried. the Devil when I tried to sell him my soul. “ When asked the cause I’ve heard that he entices Young Innocent of his downfall, Snarky replied, “I think people just get the wrong young innocents like myself into his golfing lair impression about me. But I want to categorically deny all those so he can have his way with them.” Sieg- allegations of indiscretions with barnyard animals. Everyone fried’s response, “ I did it in the interest of my fellow Tin Hats. Knocking him out is the only Notorious Liars? knows lamas aren’t farm animals and sheep are notorious liars.” No Cheap Tricks Purported Perpetrator way to neutralize this nutcase and his camera.”