Volume IV The January 2012 Tin Hats of Philadelphia historian’s report for 2011 “associated with the electrical industry since 1935” What to Read: Golf Committee Warning: Pick Cart Partner Carefully at Ridge at Broke Back Page 2 The Sieve dredges Delaware and drags up JUST CALL HIM six new Associates Newtown Square, PA— The day did not start out well for hot putter was the real Ed Gilmore. On his way from Sea Isle City to Aronimink difference maker. Even Page 2 his car breaks down in Glassboro. Fearing he may miss Razor Ray commented, Rufilin: The Secret to the shotgun start, he desperately “I never saw Ed putt so Neutralizing Historian? calls around to AAA and anyone to well.” But eventually Page 3 pick him up. His daughter reluctant- that new knee started to Larry: A Year of Highs ly agrees. A short time later long wear on Ed’s stamina. and Lows time bud, George Lyngarkos calls “I started playing golf Page 3 and says he can swing over and two weeks after I had it Myshko: That Old Prick in grab him. When George shows up replaced,” commented the Middle Ed looks like a vagrant on the side of Ed. “I could only do a Page 5 the road in shorts, with a cane and hole or two, but the doc New Tin Hats Charity: his golf bag. They race to the said I couldn’t break it. Make-A-Dumb-Wish course and get there in the nick of So I just kept playing until I couldn’t Foundation time. Ed gimps across the parking take it any more. Up until that day Page 5 lot with his new knee just in time to at Aronimink, the most I had played grab a golf cart, a handicap flag and Complete Retrofit was 13 holes before I had to bag it head out with his foursome to the sec- and rest.” So what was his motiva- Inside this issue: ond hole to start his round. No warm-ups on the driving tion this day? “Boom-Boom,” said range, no practice putts or chipping on the practice green, Ed. “That new kid Boom-Boom not even time to grab a cocktail before heading out. Not MacDonald was my biggest cheer exactly the guy you expect to win The Hat. leader, urging me not to give up. Flash back to early August. Ed decides it is time to get his Without him, I don’t know if I would Trophies & Prizes Holiday Luncheon turns other bum knee replaced. After taking a look at what he have finished. He helped me con- ugly as McGrogan rolls out 2 had to work with, the doc told him, “No sense putting a new centrate, one shot at a time.” It line of Krausewear tire on a car that looks like it came apparently made the difference. out of a demolition derby.” Ed opt- Ed had nine straight fives on the Ed’s Biggest Cheerleader The Handicapper: ed for the complete overhaul. “I back nine. He ended up with a 43-45-88. The strange part is Don’t piss him off or you pretty much ran my body into the that Ed had no idea how well he was doing. He never got to might get “A handicap 2 ground so a complete retrofit made see the handicaps for the day, due to his late arrival. When you can’t refuse.” sense.” Two months later, he still he got back to the club house, he had to sit looked like a lame nag at the start- in the locker room for 30 minutes before he Cookie Man Crumbles Putter fails Orio after Sucker Bets Galore ing post at the Kentucky Derby. At could summon the energy to even take a he bags the dreaded 3 the pre tournament lunch, Tin Hat shower. “Eventual runner-up Siegfried Green Biben Bookmaker Mark Deese was having a busy day as every- approached me after I came in,” explained one laid their bets on the likely winner. “The suckers were Ed, “He asked me how I did and I said ‘OK’. 2011 Iron Hat lined up around the bar!”, crowed Deese. “I was taking When he asked me my gross, I told him 88. Tin Hat Trio share bets on guys that weren’t even here. Shit, I was getting He looked like I had award after posting 3 action at 80-1 on Ron Smallwood. At 100-1 no one put a kicked him in the groin. perfect seasons nickel on Gilmore.” Kicked in Groin Then he told me, that Safe money was on perennial favorite Jeff Siegfried and with my 23 handicap, I had netted a 65. In Memoriam home course favorite Peter Bellwoar. “It was then that I started to realize that I Tin Hats mourn the loss The second tier included recent winner was definitely in the hunt.” After taking a of George Henisee as he 3 Rick Armour, two time hat winner Bill shower he headed to the bar to suck joins the ranks of the Walker, and John Schaffer. Most agreed down a few martini’s to compliment his recently departed that the late Ron Smallwood had a better pain killers. “When Goodwin announced shot at The Hat than Ed. But underneath me as the winner, I really started to tear Holiday Tradition that gimpy body lurked The Gilmorenator, up. I couldn’t believe that all my efforts Tin Hat rookie hears made of carbon steel legs, brass balls to rehab myself had actually culminated Knock Off The Tears the re-telling of a 4 and a cold titanium heart. But Ed played in my winning The Hat. At the presentation ceremony, Ed Christmas Miracle it coy. Like the old tale of the hare and was about to break into a full cry when Joe Henry shouted the tortoise, Ed was not going to win any out, “Is this the Tin Hats or a fuckin’ Oprah Special? I had to The Crowli Lama: The Gilmorenator foot races today. When asked about his walk while my friggin’ hemorrhoids where screaming, but you Gives insights to the strategy that don’t hear me boo-hooing mysteries of the 5 Tin Hat Universe day, Ed explained, “All I could do like a little girl. If I see one was swing easy and make good more tear, I’ll shove that Hat contact. The knee was still sore. so far up your ass you will Gilmore’s Latest Scam: I never hit a ball more than 190 never stop crying.” That Claims he is love child of late Philly yards all day. But I was always brought some composure icons Chief Halftown & Sally Starr in the fairway.” So Fast Eddie back to Ed and the meeting ends in his arrest was transformed into Slow & back to order. After the Steady Eddie. Fellow foursome presentation, Ed took the members weren’t paying a lot of time to rub some salt in the attention to his play. “That old wounds with a salute to his bastard Jack Beiter was ringing fellow competitors with a up a steady string of double bo- bastardized gladiator quote, Salute To Unworthy Adversaries gey’s,” remarked Razor Ray. “I “"Ave, Imperator, ad envious mori- thought he was in the running all the way!” But Ed’s big- turi te salutant" “For those who are about to die of envy, I salute gest key to success was with the flat stick. “I never had you!” With that the new Champion was formerly elevated more than 2 putts all day,” reflected the champ. On a day among the immortals. Winning the hat for the second time when three putts were common and the Cookie Man had a made him the 18th Tin Hat to accomplish that feat. Ed then Green Biben six putt (See Cookie Man Crumbles Page 3), having a welcomed all well wishers to kiss his rosy red rectum! The Golf Committee Report The Handicap Committee Report How can you best describe what the Golf Committee means to the Tin Hats? Long Handicapper Bill Goodwin once again showed why he was not a man to be fucked time Tin Hat Historian Bob Davis once described them as, “The sticks that stir the with. “Let me be clear! Nobody messes with The Goodfather. Although my position drink. And I like to drink.” Well, if you are like Bob Davis, get ready for a real bend- is only bestowed on those with the highest mor- er in 2012. The boys pulled together the most interesting venues in Tin Hat History. als standards, I have my friends and they know Starting off with a little March Mystery, we will be stopping by a couple of traditional how to demonstrate their friendship to me”, ex- favorites, visit a few we haven’t played in years, play two new venues and play at claimed the most powerful position among all the the place that twice hosted the U.S. Open. But it is the place we will play for The Tin Hats at the Holiday Luncheon. “But beware, Hat that has gotten the most attention. The announcement that The Ridge at Broke doing nothing is not an act of friendship. If you wish to polish my knob, I can assure you that a Back will be hosting our championship had members looking nervously around the 750ml bottle of Ketel One will not even get me room. “I want to warn everyone to think twice when you pick your cart partner!”, was stimulated.