Helping Teens Understand and Live the Law of Chastity and Develop Healthy Relationships

by Paige Gifford

Relationships and dating become hot topics for children as they hit the teenage years, within and without the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As Latter-day Saints, we often place a lot of emphasis on the Law of Chastity and other topics in the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet1 while addressing our youth.

In order to help our teens navigate the challenges of teenage relationships, we can help our teens understand why following the Law of Chastity is important by explaining the “why’s” of what we teach, by being straightforward and open in our conversations, and by encouraging meaningful friendships with peers.

Teach the Why’s If our teens do not fully understand the purposes behind the standards in the For the Strength of the Youth and the Law of Chastity, our teens may not follow the guidance of these commandments. If our children choose to follow the Law of Chastity and standards in the For the Strength of the Youth, what is their motivation for choosing to do so? There might be a chance that our teens may be following the commandments out of shame or fear of punishment, etc. rather than out of full understanding and faith. In order for our teens to grow a genuine desire to faithfully strive to be sexually pure, our teens likely Dating and becoming friends with others is essential need to understand the purpose, or the “why’s,” behind in our youth because it is then that we learn how to the Law of Chastity. appropriately interact with others. We learn what our own values are and start to identify values and So, what is the “why” behind the commandment of characteristics in others that we deem more or less the Law of Chastity? Although dating is hopefully fun, important to have in our future spouse.3 dating and developing relationships with others is not just about having fun. Dating paves the way to While dating, staying within the bounds that God has marriage, and being married and sealed in the temple set will help us on the path to eternal exaltation.4 is essential for our eternal progression and exaltation.2 3 Richardson, M. O., Bagley, J. R., Cutler, C.L.. Teens and 1 (2001). For the Strength of the Youth. The Church of Dating Part 1. Episode 49. The Church of Jesus Christ of Lat- Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist. ter-day Saints. (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/inspiration/ org/study/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth?lang=eng latter-day-saints-channel/listen/series/gospel-solutions-for-fami- lies-audio/teens-and-dating-part-1-episode-49?lang=eng 2 Monson, T. S., (2004). Whom Shall I Marry? New Era October 2004. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new- 4 (2010). To the Young Men on Dating. Liahona era/2004/10/whom-shall-i-marry?lang=eng April 2010. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liaho- more “in the know” of their child’s life. Some teens may think that this explanation is too abstract. Your teen may be able to relate better with When we talk to our children about standards some of these additional “why’s” of the Law of Chastity and boundaries around the Law of Chastity, it is by Tammy Hill and Elder Holland. especially important to be straightforward. Adults may incorrectly assume that their child understands more BYU Professor and professional therapist, Tammy than they actually do. For example, some adults may Hill, explains that the level of physical intimacy we use phrases such as “necking” or even, “passionate share with our date must match that of the emotional kissing,” and assume their teen understands the intimacy that we share with them. She says, meaning of such phrases. Teens need and want more explicit explanations and communication around “Your naked body deserves the honor of being what is safe and unsafe to do with their dates. In fact, shared only with someone who has covenanted to research shows that as we talk to our children regularly 5 never stop loving your naked soul.” and openly about sex ed topics, our teens will make smarter choices in their relationships.7 One way that Jeffery R. Holland emphasized sexual intercourse as a adults can make sure that youth are understanding us, symbol of complete unity when he said, is by asking questions to determine our youth’s level of comprehension about the principles that we teach. “Such an act of love [sexual intercourse] between a man and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to An anonymous contributor shared her experience as a be—a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, teenager after receiving ambiguous explanations about their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their appropriate dating boundaries, future, their everything.”6

By integrating the purposes, or the “why’s” of the “When I began dating, my boyfriend began Law of Chastity into our discussions about dating touching me in places no one had ever touched me and sexuality, our children will likely develop greater before. I didn’t know exactly when it meant or what comprehension and reverence for God’s law. Usually, I should do. I never felt violated or mistreated. All our teen’s behaviors will reflect their personal beliefs. I knew was I was not supposed to have sex before marriage. Because no one had ever talked to me Open and Straightforward Communication about the sexual steps leading up to penetration, The teenage years are usually a time for self- I was not sure what was ok and what was not. discovery and exploration, especially in their sexual Because of this, it took me many years and a lot development. Because of this, adolescents likely have of experimentation over multiple relationships to questions and may want to have more conversations realize what I was ok with and what I was not ok about sexuality. An anonymous contributor, a teenager with while in a relationship. If instead, [my parents] from Utah, reflects that she wishes her parents would had described to me what happens when you are in have more open conversations with her about dating a physical relationship with someone, I could have and sexuality. been a lot better prepared to handle the situations when they came up…. “It would be great if parents more consistently “I never felt comfortable talking to anyone about talked to kids and teens about the Law of it. Instead, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. If my Chastity or dating because it should be more of a family and I talked more regularly about sex related normalized topic … and it would be less awkward topics, I would have felt more comfortable to share and make life easier to have parents who know my experiences with them as they were happening what you are going through.” and gain council in what I should do. I might never have felt it was ok to let things go as far as they This teen alludes to the thought that if sexuality was did.” a normalized topic, asking questions and discussing current life experiences could be more easily brought Teach through listening. In congruence with facilitating up with parents, and parents would be able to stay open and straightforward conversions, listening to what our teens have to say is of crucial importance. In na/2010/04/youth/to-the-young-men-on-dating?lang=eng order for our children to be receptive to what we want 5 Hill, Tammy (2020). Understanding Chastity. https:// www.tammyhill.com/understanding-chastity/ 7 Brugman, M., Caron, S. L., & Rademakers, J. (2010). 6 Holland, Jeffery R. (1988). “Of Souls, Symbols, and Emerging adolescent sexuality: A comparison of american and Sacraments.” https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/ dutch college women’s experiences. International Journal of Sex- souls-symbols-sacraments/ ual Health, 22(1), 32-46. https://10.1080/19317610903403974 to teach them, we must teach in ways that our children appropriately. Instead, Smith encourages friendship will receive what we have to say. Often, this happens between teens. She describes friendship as the through listening. following:

BYU Professor, Dr. David C. Dollahite, performs “Friendship is when two people discover they have extensive studies on religious families in America. He similar interests, similar views—things in common. concludes that when religious conversations between They talk with one another, validate one another’s parents and youth are driven by the youth rather than views, and choose to spend time together. They the parents, “the emotional experience is more positive may hang out in the same social circle, study for [both] parents and adolescents.”8 Dr. Dollahite together, or participate in activities they both continues to explain that when adolescents feel that enjoy. In the teen years, friendships between guys they have permission to have autonomous thoughts and girls should look like regular friendships, and beliefs, and when adolescents talk more than which have an inclusive attitude of ‘the more the parents talk in religious conversations, adolescents will merrier.’” likely initiate future conversations, seek out parental advice, and feel closer to parents. JeaNette Smith also explained that making friendships is a great way to prepare for marriage. She says, Encourage Friendships Sometimes, parents and leaders may overemphasize “Friends learn to communicate honestly, to dating during the teenage years. This often comes from make personal sacrifices, to be independent, a place of wanting to connect with a teen through dependable, and decisive. Dysfunctional adolescent asking questions such as, “Who do you have a crush relationships put people at greater risk of having on these days?” or, “Who do you think is cute? Have dysfunctional adult relationships. Functional, you flirted with them?” Although these questions at healthy adolescent relationships—friendships— times may be appropriate, we may give our teens the are the best preparation for healthy, unscarred message that relationships are grown from physical adult relationships.” attraction and are based in romance. As our teens develop friendships with their peers, Physical attraction is definitely important in a romantic they can learn how to appropriately navigate relationship; at the same time, great relationships are social situations, communicate with others, and be based upon friendship! Parents can emphasize the considerate of others.10 Through practicing social value of friendship by asking our teens questions such skills within friendships, our teens can grow into being as, “Who has been a good friend to you recently, and the type of person that they would like to date and why?” or, “Who do you want to get to know better or eventually marry. become friends with?” When our teens begin going on dates, we can ask questions such as, “What did you As parents encourage their teens to develop have in common?” genuine friendships, teens will be better prepared for future romantic relationships. Our teens will grow JeaNette G. Smith, a licensed marriage and family to understand that God wants us to reserve sexual therapist, cautioned against steady dating (having intimacy for someone whom we are emotionally, a boyfriend/girlfriend) in the teenage years spiritually, and physically attracted to and to whom because steady dating leads to increasingly deep we have covenanted or vowed to be committed to. emotional and physical intimacy.9 Often, teens are Parents and leaders can be straightforward when they not developmentally ready to handle this depth explain appropriate relational boundaries so that our of emotional and physical intimacy safely and teens are not confused or unsure about appropriate behavior. Lastly, parents and leaders can teach 8 Dollahite, D.C., Thatcher, J.Y., (2008). Talking about re- the “why’s” behind God’s laws and help our teens ligion; How highly religious youth and parents discuss their faith. gain a deeper understanding and testimony of such Journal of Adolescent Research 23(5). https://journals.sagepub. principles. com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0743558408322141 9 Smith, J. G., (2010). Unsteady Dating. New Era 10 (2010). Advice to Young Women on Dating. Liahona April 2010. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new- April 2010. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liaho- era/2010/04/unsteady-dating?lang=eng na/2010/04/youth/advice-to-young-women-on-dating?lang=eng