THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. IX, No. IV Apil 2003 Columbia University in the City of New York

SEVEN DAYS OF SCRABBLE by Anand Venkatesan CROSSWORD PUZZLE PERSONAL ADS by Vijay Iyer by the B&W Staff THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. IX New York, April 2003 No. IV pril is the finest month for THE BLUE AND WHITE playing games at Columbia. The freezing rain of March is  CONTENTS (hopefully) gone, and it has Editor-in-Chief yet to occur to us that we have Columns CRAIG B. HOLLANDER, C’04 to take finals in May. Now, 95 Introduction the spring sun compels us to dust off our 96 Campus Characters Publisher Frisbees, baseball gloves, and Wiffle balls, 101 Blue J ISAAC V. KOHN, C’04 and bask outside in the fresh air. To cel- 102 Told Between Puffs ebrate Columbia at play, The Blue and White is Managing Editors 103 Culinary Humanities pleased to bring you its Games Issue. VIJAY IYER, C’03 106 Measure For Measure AINSLEY K. ROSS, B’04 Having partners almost always enhances the 112 Curio Columbiana PAUL HEYER, C’04 quality of a game. Certainly, the same could 113 Booze Humanities be said of publishing The B&W. From the 116 Digitalia Editor Emeritus initial brainstorming to the final editing, the 118 Lecture Notes ANAND VENKATESAN, C’03 magazine constitutes a team effort. Recently, 120 Book Review The B&W came under the leadership of new Editors 123 Campus Gossip team captains from the Junior class: Craig ALEX ANGERT, C’03 Features ERICA GRIEDER, C’03 Hollander, Isaac Kohn, Ainsley Ross, and Paul 99 Letter to the Editor D. JEFF SOULES, C’03 (Webmaster) Heyer. Nevertheless, our Seniors, through 104 Games People Play MICHAEL S. PAULSON, C’04 (Literary) their wisdom and work, are contributing now 108 Scrabble Diary CALEB VOGNSEN, C’04 more than ever. In this issue, Erica Grieder 114 Personals publishes her latest work entitled, “The Contributors 119 Crossword Puzzle Games They Play.” Contrast that with Editor ELISA BARQUIN, C’03 122 Letter from the Editor Emeritus Anand Venkatesan’s “Seven Days of STEVEN PULIMOOD, C’03 Scrabble”—an account of the games we play.  NEMANJA SLAVKOVOCH, C’03 Our regular contributors were also game THOMAS GORMAN, C’04 for some phenomenal submissions. The Blue On the Cover: ALLEN O’ROURKE, C’04 “Scrabble Exploded,” by Cara Rachele I. DAVEY VOLNER, C’04 J is squawking about the imminent threat to  ERICA DeBRUIN, C’04 Lerner’s Game room and Mephiscotcheles has Typographical Note PAUL C. MAZZILLI, C’06 an entertaining Booze Humanities—a must The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni DANIELLE F. D’ONFRO, C’06 read for those who were warned as children Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard not to play games in the street. In Culinary Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Artists Humanities, Pontius Palate describes the LOGAN KASS, C’04 Bodoni of Parma (active 1765–1813). The display bizarre history of a particular species of CARA RACHELE, C’05 faces are Weiss and Cantoria. underwater game, which is quite literally a  Red Menace. Be sure to join the entire B&W staff in the game of love by perusing, and hopefully answering, our personal ads. In Max DiLallo’s book review of The Puzzle The B&W invites contributions of original work Instinct, you’ll learn that humans have been from the Columbia community and enjoying mind games, such as riddles, for welcomes letters from readers. centuries. Here’s one of our all-time favorites: Articles represent the opinions of their authors. what is blue, white, and read all over? Need a e-mail: [email protected] hint? Turn the page, start reading, and you’ll website: http://www.theblueandwhite.org have your answer. 

94 The Blue and White April 2003 95 Chris Wiedemann teammates are pretty sure they know how to The mental image of a 6’9” athlete in mesh have a good time. Kappa Delta Rho, his home shorts and Air Jordans may not seem to ever since his Carman days, has an unshake- Campus Characters able reputation of debauchery, in spite of an cohere with the image of a green pasture full ou might not know the following figures—but you should. In Campus Characters, The Blue and of cow shit. Even more incongruous is the YWhite introduces you to a handful of Columbians who are up to interesting and extraordinary story of uprooting our Nike-clad hero and things, and whose stories beg to be shared. If you’d like to suggest a Campus Character, send us an e-mail transplanting him to the urban megalopolis of at: [email protected]. New York. But while raising cattle on a ranch in northern California doesn’t really fit into circus folk. When she left Pratt for Columbia, Leah Yananton the narrative of the typical Columbia basket- her circus skills made CUMB the country’s The next time you bump into Leah ball player’s life, Chris Wiedemann, C’03, is first juggler-equipped marching band. Yananton, C’03, ask her about the Peace anything but typical. Having gone to eight schools before college, Pilgrim. Sipping berry tea in her cozy new Chris has managed to find the time to com- au paired in Liechtenstein for a year, picked kitchen on Tiemann, I listened to Leah gush plete an architecture major during his tenure up juggling in Tunisia, learned Italian and about her hero, the woman who walked 28 at Columbia, playing ball all the while. To Chinese, worked on Spike Lee’s Bamboozled, years and 25,000 miles, not for fame or for hear him tell it, his major involves a great and made it halfway through The Power of religion, but simply for peace. “And,” Leah deal of good, old-fashioned paper-and-pencil Your Subconscious Mind , Leah has a secret to adds, “she was from New Jersey.” Herself a drafting, which must be rather time consum- share. Don’t sweat it, she says, look around, native of the sunny Keys, Leah has a theory ing. How has he managed to balance work open up and accept. Artificial constructions about people from New Jersey: there’s more to and play? “I pulled a lot of all-nighters in the such as GPA matter little when all is said and them than meets the eye. basketball season,” he confesses. done. She gladly shares some of her other theories. Lest we come away with the impression that People, on the other hand…About a month Illustrated by Danille D’Onfro Like how sexuality has no gender, and people the student athlete’s nose is always pressed ago, Leah hosted this year’s most talked- simply love people. Leah attributes her philo- to the proverbial grindstone, though, Chris about birthday party in only her birthday award for most improved fraternity won dur- sophical freedom to her family—her father, a assured The Blue and White that he and his ing one of Chris’s years as president. Walk microbiologist turned inventor, her mother, suit. As she wound her way through the crowd, stuffy and inhibited academics shed down 114th Street on a sunny spring day who nurtured Leah’s creative side, and the and peer skyward, and you’ll probably see his sister with whom she made the funny movies their own unmentionables and got down to ��������������������� a mix of African drums and Cindy Lauper. friends holding megaphones and bullhorns, that first piqued her interest in film. hanging out of the windows, heckling pass- Recruited by Pratt, Leah started studying They—we—felt unencumbered, welcome and �������������������� free in her presence. We felt as though she ersby. film but found herself spending more time ����������������� Meanwhile, back on the farm...Chris really at a Russian circus school in Brooklyn, unicy- would remember us forever. Currently working on a child development has spent summers raising livestock, and cling, juggling, tumbling and walking on balls ������������������� while John Deere doesn’t manufacture a trac- under the exacting gaze of chiseled Russian documentary with a director she met on the set of Brooklyn Babylon, Leah told me about a tor with the requisite legroom for someone typical day of filming. On a mat in the middle of Chris’s height, that hasn’t endangered his of the studio, dozens of pink and chubby agrarian lifestyle. Thanks to the good people babies from Long Island were hamming it up at the Ford Motor Company, Chris is a happy for the cameras as their muthas—here Leah Bronco owner, a reflection of his cattle-ranch slipped flawlessly into her Fran Drescher personality as well as his built-Ford-tough drawl—clucked and kvelled, looking on. stature. In her living room, furnished entirely The subject of stature, of course, provides with antiques saved from the trash heap �������������������������������� a natural segue to basketball. Widely recog- (her entertainment center is a 1940s stove ��������������������� nized as the best blocker in the Ivy League, painted in the colors of a French pastry—she Chris has been an invaluable asset to a bas- ketball team that needs all the wealth it can keeps her movies in the oven), I perched ������������������������������� accumulate. The four-year term limit is about on Leah’s couch and listened to her stories ������������������� to kick in, though, and Chris has played his unfurl, but my mind kept slipping back ����������������������������� to those rosy New Jersey babies. Sharing last game of Lions hoops. After so many years a film set with such a free spirit, maybe of basketball-related interviews, he admits they’d grow up to be Peace Pilgrims too…If it strikes him as unusual—perhaps even ever only their mothers would let them. –AA so slightly awkward—to conduct an interview Illustrated by Alex Angert with only brief mentions of his time on the 96 The Blue and White April 2003 97 court. Likewise, though one might expect him ters (ostensibly to avoid sly glances into the to be relieved by the free time he enjoys now bag). And, of course, he described some truly Letter to the Editor that his final season has ended, he’s got to get hilarious matches. To wit: at the age of 12, he used to college sans basketball for the first triumphed over an elderly lady with the (per- March 10, 2003 March 10, 2003 time, if only for a few months, and he’s visibly fectly legitimate) word “fucker”. To further Dear Isaac, Dear Yoni, ambivalent about the transition. wit: he trounced the venerable Regis Philbin I read and enjoyed your article on the swim My gracious thanks for your note. I am Just like every other senior, Chris has on national television (at which point, appar- test (“The Drowned and the Saved”) in the delighted that you enjoyed the article, and graduation on his mind, and although there’s ently, Regis was so incensed he added a “2” March issue of The Blue and White. I thought moreover, it is reassuring to see that our most probably still some basketball in his future, in front of his own score before the camera that, for once, I might put an item from my recent issue of The Blue and White is swiftly he still sounds uncertain. He mentions plans successfully panned to the board; Daniel, for enormous collection of useless facts to good making its way ‘round campus. to do some traveling, but also plans to spend his part, was justifiably enraged, and appar- use, by sharing what little I know about the My mention of the Titanic myth was indeed time back home. If you bump into him, don’t ently his vocal indignation forced the crew to origins of this myth. an allusion to Harry Widener’s untimely forget to ask him about the ranch. He’s got a re-shoot the entire final scene). Like most truly monumental lies, it may be demise. I am saddened to find my bluff few good stories to tell. Throughout The B&W’s lopsided defeats, traced back to Harvard. As you note in your called, my shoddy research invalidated, my –IVK Daniel was undeniably gracious; and, even piece, the Titanic myth is often associated myth debunked. I must admit that while I though we could see his game involved an with Harvard. To explain why that might be, never seriously believed that the Widener Daniel Goldman almost manic exactitude, his tolerance for I offer the following quote: donation was responsible for the swim test, both our discomfiting awe was remarkable. In “When the Titanic sank 400 miles off the it never occurred to me to find out whether I met Daniel Shai Goldman, C’04, in an coast of Newfoundland on the night of April the inception of the requirement predated the unexpected hail of patter; idly calling him fact, we were hard-pressed to find anything remotely resembling an Achilles heel. After 14, 1912, she took with her more than 1,500 Titanic tragedy. to beg his participation in a Blue and White passengers and crew. Among those who However, I beg you to indulge a moment of scrabble tournament, I was unprepared to our matches in Claremont, Daniel suggested calling for Columbia’s shuttle service at 1 perished were the young Philadelphia book conjecture, in light of the evidence you have meet with such conversational vivacity. More collector, Harry Elkins Widener, and his mil- brought to light. One certainly must wonder specifically, I was unprepared to have him a.m.; this, at least, seemed to be acceptable grounds for a proletarian criticism of languid, lionaire industrialist father, George. It is said whether young Harry himself may have been descend upon my cluttered Broadway single that the young Widener, on the verge of step- subjected to his alma mater’s swimming without my first donning pants. However, elitist superiors. Alas, even this was blame- less—Daniel had developed intense blisters ping into a lifeboat, raced back to his cabin to requirement prior to receiving his diploma. Daniel was even then possessed of an almost retrieve a rare 1598 edition of Bacon’s Essays His mother Eleanor, in contrast, could not preternatural, captivating garrulousness; he after a Spring Break’s cavorting in the country of Cervantes. Astoundingly, having ultimately which he had purchased in London. His possibly have enjoyed the luxury of Harvard’s was at my door in an instant, bearing for mother, Eleanor Elkins Widener, survived the revered aquatic education, insofar as Harvard my edification an official Scrabble diction- foregone the pleasure of the palanquin, he limped along with us back to our respective disaster and memorialized her son by donat- was not to begin admitting women until many ary and an account of one Wall Street Journal ing $3.5 million to his alma mater, Harvard decades later. It is a point of historical irony, Correspondent’s descent into the world of havens; his goodbye was an infectiously pleas- ant one. Mine was equally so—but I have given University, to establish the Harry Elkins then, that Harry’s days in the Harvard pool professional Scrabble. Widener Memorial Library. In his short life, were all for naught: Harry and George were Daniel is good at Scrabble. Very good. up Scrabble. —CV Harry Elkins Widener amassed a remarkable drowned whilst Eleanor was saved. Good enough to be ranked. Good enough collection of literary rare books and manu- I submit to you, then, that History suggests to to be ranked #1 under 21 in North America. scripts. Today that collection, including the us that no amount of natatory prowess suffices Over the course of a nearly untenably books he purchased on his last trip to Europe to rescue a Harvard grad who never learned demeaning set of unbalanced one-on-one and had sent home on another ship, is housed to value his own life and well-being above the matches (which Daniel suggested should have in the famous library endowed in his name.” essays of Francis and other Dead White Men. been played in under 25 minutes each), he The legend must have been almost irresist- Eleanor, chauvinistically denied Harvard’s held forth upon anagrams, algorithms, heu- ible. The boy graduates Harvard, but drowns. expert training in pelagic paddling, nonethe- ristics, and the peculiar linguistic permuta- His parents donate a library. Ergo, the reason less knew to leave literary possessions behind tions of James Joyce. Thankfully, he was not Harvard men have to swim is so that they will and to focus instead on her littoral goal. It is above dishing dirt and spinning tales (mostly not drown. In fact, it’s such an appealing lie apparently on the strength of that wise choice Scrabble-related, to my delight). He told me that it soon spreads to all the other schools that Eleanor made it safely ashore. of foreign Scrabble players who, not knowing that have a swim test. The only problem: A Harvard education...it’ll kill ya! English, nevertheless memorized all pos- Harvard’s swimtest antedated the sinking of sible letter combinations as permutations of the Titanic. Most graciously yours, symbols. He demonstrated some of the more Best, Isaac Vita Kohn arcane aspects of Scrabble play, one of which Yoni Appelbaum involved keeping the letter bag elevated above one’s head while awkwardly pawing for let- Illustrated by Danielle D’Onfro 98 The Blue and White April 2003 99 BLUE J

STA Away espite her innocent-looking exterior, the J continued trend of absorbing student space Dis quite the pool shark. She flitters around into administrative-operation space or general Lerner’s 2nd-floor game room on many a shared space of the University. How long has Wednesday night, waiting for the arrival of the legendary 6th floor sat, unfinished, despite unsuspecting SEAS students and practicing the completion of the rest of the building? The her eyelash-batting ingénue. So the J was sad- recent reorganization of club space on the 5th dened to hear of recent plans to encroach upon floor is another example: students lost a third her stony habitat for the sake of STA Travel. of the space to facilitate the addition of more Located in the bowels of the Lerner lobby, administrative offices. While no one really the STA Travel Agency has been frustrated objects if the University chooses to rent out by inadequate business and has thus been otherwise-unused space for conferences or bar suing for relocation. A proposal has been mitzvahs, it is regrettable that student groups made to move the Agency to the back of the cannot have space of their own on a permanent Game Room, adjacent to the piano lounge. basis. Three and a half of the eight floors of Unfortunately, this movement would displace the student center are devoted to administra- the Game Room pool tables, leaving the J with tive offices, and more student resources are at nowhere to play. risk of being taken away. When does it stop? Ironically, such a move would not solve When does it stop? Why should it? It is sim- STA’s problem: the Game Room as a space ple logic: the administration will seek to max- gets no more passerby traffic than the Agency’s imize the value it receives from the allocation current location, meaning that, just like before, of resources. Unless students make their space students won’t go to the Agency unless it is demands forcefully, the University sees no one of their intended destinations. Moreover, value in using resources for students, and it is there’s the problem of the vacated space, which more economically viable to make money with is rather awkward for any purpose other than the space and try to enlarge the endowment. a sales counter. Clearly, opening this location But if the students were to squawk, it would to student groups would not replace the space raise the value of using space for students. If lost to students in the Game Room. the alumni made clear that they value student The J does not suspect any form of conspira- access to resources above the size of the cy, but merely the cold calcula- endowment, it would change tions of bean counters. Lerner the balance on the books. Hall’s price tag was much It is up to you, our read- ������������������������������������������������������������ larger than anyone anticipated, ers, both undergraduate and the Administration wants and alumni alike, to make a that investment to pay off as change. Every letter dropped �������������������������������������������� much as possible. When the off in Low Library is another Game Room doesn’t show a square foot of space won ��������������������������������������������� profit, the Administration is back for the students. Every ����������������������� more than happy to sell it off phone call is another dol- to a corporate client, which lar to hire more profes- - URH Guide to Living, 1917-1918 is a good business decision. sors. Every quarter dropped Where we run into problems, down the slots in Lerner is Illustrated by Craig Hollander however, is that Lerner Hall another chance to save both was built as a student center. It should be a our game room, and our value in the eyes of student space. the University.  The Game Room takeover represents a 100 The Blue and White April 2003 101 TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS CULINARY HUMANITIES

ost men lead lives of quiet desperation, and back was an alien one: after a few days of A New Red Menace Mbut then, Verily has never been one to lolling about aimlessly, the back and shoulder suffer in silence. VV suffers loudly—or, as with were back in action but restlessness began to lthough any direct connection between a scheme that stemmed from his experience at fools, not at all. What with the steady drum- gnaw once again, and Verily Vacationer began Acommunist states and tepid food may this prestigious post. beat of war, the steady flushing sound of the to crave something more. be hard to prove, for many years the gener- Stalin’s seemingly harmless plan was to economy, and a steadily escalating feeling of Relaxation may have been easily attained, ally dismal culinary options of the average relocate a species of Kamchatka crabs from futility and physical decrepitude, it has been a but reinvigoration proved ultimately elusive. It Soviet were limited by frequent bread short- Vladivostok to the Kola Peninsula. Thousands noisy couple of months here in Camp Veritas. became clear from the all-you-can-eat buffet ages and moldy grain. For those elite, how- of these gigantic meter-wide red crabs were So when VV informed his doctor—a pleasantly and Australian-themed chain restaurant front ever, who were lucky enough to remain in the to be loaded onto rail cars, transported across corpulent but unpleasantly self-satisfied and center in the lobby of the hotel, Communist Party’s favor, the good old days of Russia (a seven-day trip), and deposited in fellow—that he was suffering from that any much needed mental the Cold War were easy times to pack on the the Barents Sea to provide a new source of a dislocated shoulder, a sore restoration would be hard to pounds. While busily sending their soldiers to food for western Russia. This project couldn’t back, and a wicked case of come by on this island get- the slaughter by the thousands, it could never have sounded any less outlandish in the malaise, Dr. Feelgood sprang away. Kajun Kookaburra be said that the esteemed generals of the Red 1950s than it does now. Yet, despite Stalin’s into action. Kalamari is hardly the army lacked either of the staples of decadent untimely death before its commencement, his The examination was a spec- transportive experience that Russian cuisine: caviar (eaten by the jar) and successors dutifully carried out the plan in the tacularly perfunctory affair, with the world-weary traveler seeks vodka (the libation of choice in cold weather) early 1960s. the Doc pausing only to explain in travel. Neither, for that were always readily available. And, stories Although most of the human populations this nicety or that to the two matter, is the company of the abound of the gastronomic luxury bestowed Stalin transported met disastrous ends, the Doogie Howser medical school attractive Texan woman who on the Party’s faithful few: packages of ten-kilo crabs adapted well to their new types that were accompanying joined Verily in the hot tub, cured sturgeon, fresh salmon, smoked pork, home. In part, this is due to the fact that only him. To the patient, however, it only to coo admiringly about Doktorskaya salami, halvah, sausages, still- the strongest of the species were selected for seems that no explanations were the charismatic appeal of Donald bloody steak filets, suckling pigs, Georgian relocation (to test for fitness, the crabs were necessary; instead, VV received a Rumsfeld. VV offered a quiet orison wines, and, of course, jars of caviar were fre- placed on their backs and only those crabs sheaf of cartoon-illustrated back exer- on the Texan’s behalf and clambered quently sent home with Kremlin workers. that were able to turn back over quickly were cises and a lecture on proper posture. hastily out of the tub, unsure whether to be Food, it must be remembered, was never allowed to make the trip). Once relocated, the Wrapping a chubby hand around a $200 amused or afraid. something the communists took lightly. For red crabs began breeding rapidly and now pen that nevertheless likely took only half Despite a week of old forts and rainforests, example, ranking right up there with Minister number over fifteen million. an hour to earn, the good doctor scrawled of happy hours and hours of blackjack, the of Propaganda was the esteemed position Lacking any natural predators, this conspic- his imprimatur, prescribing…something. It trip came to a close with Verily’s nerves still of General Director of Food Affairs for the uous army of crustaceans has, for almost fifty started with a ‘v,’ and Verily was pretty sure it ajangle. Perhaps in simpler days a change in Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. This years, been slowly marching from the Russian wasn’t Viagra, so VV connected the dots, and scenery could bring about a shift in sentiment, minister was charged with the difficult task Artic to the coast of Norway. Some estimate added perhaps a dash of optimism in filling but it seems like our world grows evermore of ensuring the continued extravagance of that they may make it to Portugal—farther east the prescription. A vacation, it seemed, was in pervasive. The further you flee from your the elite, and trying to save the impoverished than any of Stalin’s land units ever dreamed order. A jaunt, a restorative little excursion to sources of stress, the faster they follow. Back masses from hunger while using starvation as of conquering. Many Europeans believe that take the edge off, like a well-mixed cocktail. in New York, feet planted firmly on pavement, a tool of popular control. Importantly, in his the crabs are threatening the survival of local Body and mind, wined and dined. Verily is again in his own element, ready to early days with the Party, future dictator Josef species, claiming that the crabs are consum- With Spring Break on the horizon, it seemed face classes, graduation, and even his place in S t a l i n also held a post of ing vast quantities of local capelin and cod well to take a cue from Baudelaire, with his a world gone mad. Rejuvenation, it seems, is c u l i - nary nature: that of fish eggs. The Director of the World Wildlife exhortation to go “Anywhere! Anywhere! So not only a question of where you go and what General Director Federation urged Norwegian leaders to long as it is out of the world!” So with aplomb, you do while you are there, but a matter of of Food Affairs assume a preemptive policy stance: “...let’s not and good friends, Verily secreted himself to coming back to see where you are anew. for Southern gamble. Let’s find out the effects of this crab a nearby island where he could nurse his —Verily Veritas Russia. Too before we let it explode.” Despite these con- ailing back, shoulder, and psyche in the sun- l o n g ov e r - cerns and recent efforts at crab-containment, dappled, sand-covered, palm-shaded beaches, l o o k e d the insolent critters may yet be saved by an and where the only need he would have for an amid the sea unlikely source—Europe’s restaurants, which umbrella would be to stir his drinks. But the of dubious plots are happily serving the Stalinist throwbacks concept of a vacation not consisting of being Stalin hatched as a several hundred Euro apiece delicacy. shuttled happily from museum to monument Illustrated by Paul Heyer during his career is —Pontius Palate 102 The Blue and White April 2003 103 Hot For Teacher: A nubile young co-ed I’m Really Not Into Mind Games: What? Are decides to spice things up in the hay. She you pissed at me? Well, I’m sorry you feel that Games People Play and her boyfriend, an older man from behind way. You don’t think I’m nice to you? God, the Iron Curtain, decide to try a role-play- you can’t force these things, you know? I mean by Erica Grieder ing game. The first one they agree on is I don’t try to be this way; it’s just how I am. “schoolgirl/teacher.” “I have to say,” she tells I guess I’m bad at—I don’t like to be vulner- orld Leaders at Risk: George W. Bush, deep end, his cobalt blue trunks billowing me a few days later, “Boris makes a really able, you know? It’s just that I’ve had some WDick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and around him. “Polo,” says John Cheever, and good schoolgirl!” bad experiences—yeah, I don’t really want to Hans Blix sit down at the kitchen table for a gets out of the pool and dries himself off.  talk about that though. Actually, can I call you game of Risk. They are blue, red, yellow and Then he enjoys a nice margarita on the deck back? I’m in the middle of someth—I said I gray respectively. Blix takes an early lead by with a wealthy dowager. Its Contents Will Help You On Your didn’t want to talk about it! Way: Who let the Koopa Kids loose in the consolidating his forces in Australia and New   Zealand, waging war only when it is prudent Mushroom Kingdom?! It must have been to do so. This rivets the attention of Bush A One-sided Gunfight: A tall gentleman Bowser! We thought he was done for! Mario Springtime in Love: Julia Roberts has had and Rumsfeld on the bottom right-hand cor- who carries a suitcase sits down to a game and Luigi set out to free the Princess. Their enough of Danny Moder. The thrill is gone ner of the board, allowing Cheney to amass of poker so as not to incur negative attention journey will take them over deserts, through and now here she is sitting in this big ranch great power in South America before anyone from two cowboys who are saying, “Sit yer ass the deep sea, imperiled by turtles with ham- house in some random Western state think- notices. On two occasions Bush plays out of down and git yer money on the table.” The mers and onto a ghost ship. They decide to ing, “What am I doing here. I am like a major turn. Cheney loses all of his ten-unit guys in gentleman plays with a cautious strategy and alternate levels, so everyone can rest once in a league movie star and many international bil- an ill-fated North Africa campaign. Rumsfeld moderate luck. There comes a hand in which while. It quickly becomes apparent that Mario lionaires want to shower me with jewels and attempts to tempt Bush into an alliance. the cowboy with a droopy mustache puts is a WAY better warrior than Luigi. He gets tell me they love me, and here I am stuck in “Don’t do that,” says Cheney, “That’s stupid.” down four fives and gloats, until the one with all the coins, knows all the secret passages, some small town with some stupid guy who’s Rumsfeld snaps, “Let him make up his OWN a white hat puts down the jack, ten, nine, eight and is always sporting raccoon ears and a tail. just a gardener or handyman or something.” mind, Dick!” and seven of diamonds. Droopy Mustache Luigi is scared to hop on a duck’s shell, has She pours herself a nice glass of Peach Nehi Bush drops his head, furrows his brow, pulls out a gun and shoots him dead. Droopy trouble timing his jumps so he doesn’t land on and sits down at the computer, where she wiggles his ears and says, “Rummy, stop Mustache and the gentleman play for another the fire-spitting flower, and the one time he beats the top level of Minesweeper, again. ang- antag- stop agonizing me.” “Stop agoniz- hour in peace. finishes a level he only gets a mushroom card.  ing you?” says Rumself, grinning with one Mario desperately wants to ditch Luigi but  Count Back From a Hundred: Jake and half of his face to show his pointy teeth. Blix every time Luigi dies he chooses “continue” This is a Matter of Life or Death: You are Susan have been fighting all day and they sighs, gets up, and strolls over to look out the rather than “end.” “Stupid little green man,” standing on one bank of a swiftly rushing don’t even know why. They are both sad and window. It is just past dusk and the night is mutters Mario darkly, waving a wand aloft river, and have dominion over four things: a irritable. All of their friends are uncomfort- spangled with fireflies. after killing another Koopa. goat, a wolf and a cabbage and a raft. Your job able. Derek proposes a game of hide and seek.  is to get them all to the other side of the river,  Jake is the last person to put his finger on Literary Explorers: John Cheever, John so you can return them to the poor but good- his nose, which makes him It, even though Updike and Norman Mailer are in the pool hearted farmer to whom they belong. You can he didn’t really want to play in the first of the Larchmont Country Club and they only carry two over at a time on the raft, lest place. After he counts back from one decide to play Marco Polo. John Updike is it capsize and then everyone drowns. The wolf hundred he goes around the house Marco first. When he closes his eyes and wants to eat the goat and the goat wants to eat drearily, barely glancing in the clos- says, “Marco?” his voice reverberates across the cabbage. What do you do? Note: There is ets, and three times he hears the placid surface of the water. “Polo!” shouts no bridge. footsteps thunder around as Norman Mailer, splashing off towards the  someone runs to base. When he gets to the top floor he finds Susan hidden behind the couch. He sits down with LABYRINTH BOOKS her.  SPECIALIZING IN SCHOLARLY & UNIVERSITY PRESS BOOKS 536 West 112th Street, New York, NY 10025 (212) 865–2749 online at http://www.labyrinthbooks.com Illustrated by Danielle D’Onfro 104 The Blue and White April 2003 105 THE DEBATE BETWEEN THE BODY Measure for Measure AND THE HEART OF VILLON What’s that I hear? It’s me! Who? Your heart Which is hanging on by a tiny thread: I have no more strength, no substance, no blood, When I see you so withdrawn and secluded, Like a poor mutt smacked into a corner. Why’s that? Because of your mad revelry. What’s it to you? It gives me grief. Mille excuses, mon vieux! Voici la nouvelle poeme de notre vieil ami Let me alone. Why? I’ll think it over. Davey, dont j’espere tu vas rejouir. Encore une fois, excuse-moi ma When’s that? When I’ve grown out of infancy. paresse. Tout va bien ici et aucun Parisien ne m’a encore fait couler le I’ll say no more. And I’ll be on my way. sang. Je te souhaite un bon apres-midi. What are you thinking? To be a respectable man. But you’re thirty! That’s a ripe age for a mule. Je te serre la main, Is that childhood still? No. Then it’s madness M. Paulson That seizes you? How’s that? By the neck? You know nothing. Yes I do. What? Flies in milk: A thousand excuses, old pal! Here is the new poem of our old friend One is white, the other’s black, there’s the difference. Davey, in which I hope you shall rejoice. Once again, excuse my laziness. Is that all then? What else do you want me to argue? Everything is going well here, and no Parisian has yet drawn blood If that won’t cut it, I’ll start over again. from me. I wish you a good afternoon. You’re done for! I’ll put up a good fight. I’ll say no more. And I’ll be on my way. I shake your hand, It gives me sorrow, gives you pain and misery. Mr. Paulson If you were a poor cretin and a fool Then you might cop some kind of a plea. But for all you care, all’s one, ugly or beautiful. And now, the poem: Or your head is even harder than a pebble, Or you like misery even more than honor! What do you say to this argument? I’ll be off the hook when I’ve passed away. V. God! What comfort! What wise eloquence! My fondest memory of childhood, is being trapped in my overalls and I’ll say no more. And I’ll be on my way. attacked by a bee at the same time. I was destined to be an actor! Whence comes this pain? It comes from my sore luck: It is my sinking-water-lily-life, this chemical insurrection, or When Saturn got my lot in life ready for me, whatever you call it; maybe the ascending coinage; the orange He put in these conditions, I think. That’s lunacy: cocker spaniel; the semi-colon. This is not even the end of a You’re the master, you make yourself the valet. thought, but already it has begun to make an antediluvian marsh out Look what Solomon set down in his scroll: of me: I am as confused as an adult. You ask me, perhaps, if this “The wise man hath dominion,” says he, is really my fondest memory; and the answer comes back to you Yes! “Over the planets and their influence.” and Yes! and a thousand times, YES! I don’t buy it: how they made me is how I’ll be. —Davey Volner What’s that? Indeed, that’s what I believe. I’ll say no more. And I’ll be on my way. Do you want to live? God give me the power! You must...What? Feel some remorse, Read endlessly. Where? In books of wisdom, Leave off with madmen! I’ll keep that in mind. Remember it then! I remember it well. Don’t wait so long that things turn sour! I’ll say no more. And I’ll be on my way. —Translated from Villon by Michael S. Paulson 106 The Blue and White April 2003 107 sive slope of my forehead; Erica is probably diners and Midwestern motels. I won’t leave distracted by my renegade sense of style and the next round to chance. Seven Days of Scrabble my cavalier attitude. Yeah…broads love a  Scrabble gangsta. Day Four: Jealousy! A Diary Tiles are picked. Caleb glances at his selec- My friends have pulled me aside and staged tion and blurts, “Blast! Thrice cursed!” He an intervention: the game, they claim, is tak- by Anand Venkatesan starts off the game by playing the word ‘cat.’ ing over my life in an unhealthy way. To which His strategy seems to be one of distraction: I spit back, “Don’t player hate—conjugate!” Recently, The Blue and White staff held its first annual Scrabble tournament. Our champion would he maintains a constant stream of chat- Even my suitemates are trying to dampen face off against Daniel Goldman, the Tenacious Tiler (check out our Campus Character profile on Dan- ter throughout, larding his comments with my dreams! A cold fury descends upon me, iel in this issue). One contestant took it upon himself to chronicle his experience... jokes about Hegel and the superiority of San and I storm out of the room, just sliding into Francisco burritos. A strange and suspicious the elevator before the door closes. A striking here’s drama in C-Town, Jack. Word on  character, this Vognsen fellow, and perhaps a blonde in the elevator smiles demurely, but Tthe street is that some young punk has Day Two: Training Day Communist. Thought: should I report him to why bother? Gentlemen prefer redheads— been talking smizzack about my Scrizzable Up early today; there’s a full day of rigor- the authorities? they’re worth more points on the Scrabble skizzilz, and consequently calling into ques- ous training in store so that I’m ready for the Erica is clearly more of a threat. Her words board, and offer a potential fifty point bonus tion the very dignitude and sacrosanctination more than worthy B&W challengers standing are point-maximizing, and her play is generally for using all seven tiles. of these blue and white pages that I represent. between me and Goldman. Begin the morn- quick and alert. But she has her own method  I ain’t having that. ing by stopping by the salon for a quick mani- of distraction, stopping every few minutes to Day Five: Semi-Finals I dashed off a quick and authoritative e-mail, cure. This is a serious game, Jack—a hangnail offer me samples from an abundant harvest of Game time, baby. It’s a four-way face-off, and one of my scruffy associates arranged could cost you your Scrabble life. After a light Pepperidge Farm cookies. You may block my with the top two scorers squaring off for the for a Scrabble tournament with this brazen breakfast, it’s on to a round of digit dexter- arteries, my dear, but never my vocabulary! chance to scuffle with Goldman. Besides Erica upstart, one Daniel Shai Goldman C’04, to ity drills, and then, more importantly, verbal I have squandered my lead over Caleb, and and me, there’s Elisa Barquin, another serious determine once and for all who could lay dexterity drills. Word searches. Jumbles. the game comes down to the very last play. contender, and Craig Hollander, who, accord- claim to Scrabble supremacy in Morningside Crossword puzzles. The bread and butter of a Desperation: cursed with bad tiles, I am ing to scouting reports from Craig Hollander, Heights. Needless to say, a hush has befallen board game warrior. forced to play the word “nite.” Caleb chal- is also a serious contender. campus. The streets are watching. Break for a healthy lunch of poached salmon lenges, and the game hangs in the balance: if I knock on the door of the appointed place I’ve decided to keep a diary of the events with a delicious mango coulis. After lunch, it’s in the dictionary, I win; if not, I go down in and am greeted by Elisa’s firm handshake and leading up to and including the final show- an intensive session of memorizing the offi- ignominy. The Scrabble Gods are smiling on the caterwauling of some sufficiently lachry- down. Scrabble history will remember me, cial Scrabble dictionary. Sure, it seems easy me, though. I have triumphed on the back of mose “it” band. We sit down around the board dammit—for I intend to write it. to remember all of the words now, but it’s a workaday America, thanks to the spelling lib- and settle into the same comfortably uncom-  different story when you’re under pressure. erties of the proprietors of so many roadside fortable routine: small-talk, self-deprecation, Day One: Mind Games That’s why I study the dictionary hanging subtle psychological warfare. Let the games Scrabble, light of my life, fire of my fingers. upside down from a pull-up bar, swaddled begin. My skill, my sanctuary. Scra-bble: the tips of in layers of sweatclothes, with the thermostat Elisa quickly establishes a daunting lead my fingers taking a trip down the board to jacked way up. Like Rocky. A cold shower and with successive six-and-seven-tile plays. Erica, stop, at a triple word score, and pile up points. an early dinner, and its bedtime. I’m dreaming meanwhile, has been surprisingly quiet: is she Scra. Bble. about you, Goldman. No fear. laying low, planning a blitzkrieg? Craig, on I’ve got to get psyched. I’ve done a little  the other hand, has been anything but quiet. research, and it turns out that this Goldman Day Three: Round One—B&W Challengers He is all moans and sighs, loudly exhaling kid is a phenom, a veritable Scrabble super- Woke up in a cold sweat this morning. Do with each draw of tiles from the bag. star, ranked number one in the nation in the I really know all of the two-letter Scrabble My training has paid off: Craig and Erica are Under 21 bracket. They still talk about his words? Am I ready, I mean, really ready? occasionally sloppy, shuffling or dropping tiles performance at Phoenix in 2000. Turns out A quick look to my WWHD bracelet: What and misplacing them here and there, while, he scored 627 points—and made his opponent Would Hasbro Do? thanks to my strict regimen, my plays are cry—by spelling out insults the entire game. My first round draw is tough, but fair: I’m strong and decisive. I sense fear, and antici- Rumor has it that he has his own bling- matched up against Erica Grieder, a favorite, pate the sweet victory to come. Everything encrusted platinum tileholder. and Caleb Vognsen, a relative unknown. As from here on out is a formality, and Elisa and Well I’ve got news for you, Goldman—plati- long as I beat one of them, I move on to the I coast into the final round. num tileholder or pine, Phoenix or New York next round. I size them up and stare them You can’t play Scrabble scared. Or at least, City, the Scrabble board is 16 spaces by 16 down. So far, so good: Caleb seems intimi- you can’t win Scrabble scared. spaces. I will crush you. dated by my imposing height, and the aggres- Illustrated by Logan Kass 

108 The Blue and White April 2003 109 Day Six: Showdown champeen. Other than the platinum Scrabble It’s just me and Elisa now, and the Scrabble medallion hanging from his neck, he’s curi- board. It’s touching, this almost sweet loneli- ously bling-free. ness. It hasn’t been this way since when I just Things start swiftly but strangely. Goldman started out in the game, playing not for the holds the bag of tiles above his head as he women, the money, or the glory, but for the picks his tiles, flailing about like a beached love. For myself. Nowadays, I can’t concen- whale. I look at him, perplexed, and he shrugs, trate without the throngs chanting my name, muttering something about British rules. He CURIO COLUMBIANA cheering my plays. Scrabble isn’t just a game shifts quickly to a more confident equipoise, Reminisces from Dwight D. Eisenhower, President of Columbia University from 1949-1951, taken anymore—it’s a lifestyle. delivering an impromptu lecture on probabil- from his book, “At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends.” Elisa is ready to begin. Before we sit down ity, statistics, and game theory. Showoff. to draw tiles, she casually offers me a glass of Elisa goes first, playing the word ‘bat’ bove all, I saw in Columbia, because  wine, as she sips out of a glass that supposedly horizontally across the middle. She is rattled. Aof its standing among American educa- This was not the end of it. On another week- contains whiskey. How utterly predictable. Springing to the board with alacrity, Goldman tional institutions and its influence on the end during an austerity period when we had Save your wretched pinot grigio for another plays the word ‘airthed’ horizontally, placing educational process, opportunities as large cut back on heating and lighting in all build- rube, vile temptress! I’ve brought my own the initial ‘a’ above the ‘t’ in ‘bat.’ The game is and rewarding as the environment might be ings not in use, I visited old East Hall late one Gatorade and Clif bars. over before it begins. strange and difficult. If the faculty could stand evening. It housed the studios of the Fine Arts Chastened, she starts off with a respectable Or is it? Elisa mounts a courageous come- me, I decided, I could stand the job. Department. I had heard about the work of first move, and we’re off. It strikes me that back, and Goldman starts to get a little ner-  one of the painters there and wanted to see there I’m tremendously vulnerable in chal- vous. He keeps a steady chatter going under On Friday evening Low Library, where it. During the visit, a watchman, opening the lenging her one on one. It’s like arm-wrestling his breath, and reverts back to his theorizing the University administrative offices were first floor door of the building that should someone, but with your brain. And Lord about the nuances of the game, making it a concentrated, closed its doors until Monday have been unoccupied as well as unheated knows I can’t lose an arm-wrestling match point to refer to Elisa as an amateur as often as morning. Saturday, for me, was just another and unlighted, shouted up the stairs. He with a girl. possible. But the words he makes with his fin- day in the week when I expected to put in wanted me to identify myself. The room is hot as blazes, and I am mopping ger are as effective as the words he utters with at least a few hours at the desk. My peculiar My name, shouted back as loudly as I could, my brow with my armband almost every turn. his mouth. The margin of victory is a respect- attitude about schedules made no difference probably seemed a Germanic garble. He I can’t concentrate. And I can’t help but be able 140 points. After the tallying, Goldman’s in the University’s practice. For a while I wanted to know my business. When I called worried by Elisa’s powerfully furrowed brow. trainer jumps from his seat to hoist a half-full did not realize this; on Saturday mornings down the staircase that I was President of the Focus, old man. cooler of Gatorade above the victor’s head, I walked from our residence to the Library University, a look of vigorous disbelief crossed I haven’t popped for a seven-letter combina- drenching him from head to toe. Lemon-lime. with a faculty or staff member who knew his his face and he was prepared to order my tion all day. Elisa, on the other hand, has done So that’s what victory tastes like. way about campus, who knew the doorways, instant departure had not the artist, a well- so once already, and seems on the verge every I’m already back in the gym. And I’ve and who had the proper keys. One Saturday, known fellow, with his brilliant red beard, turn. She’s opened up a sixty-point advantage, already talked to the producers, Goldman. without companion or guide, I attempted to come out of his studio to urge my continued and is increasing it with every turn. After a Don’t worry—at least next year, after I crush penetrate the vastness of Low only to be con- presence. few more serviceable but only above-average you, you’ll have a job all lined up.  fronted by a campus policeman who refused Later I learned that the watchman had plays, I am forced to read the Scrabble tiles me entrance. reported to his senior that he had discovered on the board. I have lost, and Goldman has “I’d like to get into the President’s office,” in East Hall an elderly man who claimed to escaped my wrath. I hope you’re happy, Elisa. I said. be the President of Columbia but did not look  “There won’t be anybody there,” he said. like it. The guard was undoubtedly accus- Day Seven: When Goldmans Attack When I added that my name was Eisenhower, tomed to Nicholas Murray Butler, who looked Where do Scrabble legends go when they his countenance and firm stand against my the role to perfection. die? Well, that’s easy—they go to the com- entrance changed not an iota. Nor did it  mentating booth. ESPN has asked me to join when I assured him that I was President of The penthouse retreat at Columbia was an their team, so at least I’m close to the action. the University. Whatever the outcome might ideal studio. A professional might have object- And it doesn’t hurt my street cred. have been of this confrontation between stal- ed to its lack of north exposure and a skylight. The place is packed, and Elisa sits at the wart sentry and the new man, I have not the But privacy and quiet were more important to board waiting for Goldman to arrive. All of slightest idea. At that point, another police- me than lighting. After eighteen years, I am a sudden, the lights dim, and a searchlight man, who had apparently seen my picture in still messy; my hands are better suited to an ax pans over the audience. Jogging out in a the paper, came along and vouched for me. handle than a tiny brush. I attempt only simple white satin robe, to the blaring sound of The ivory towers of learning on Morningside compositions. My frustration is complete when “Eye of the Tiger,” is none other than Daniel Heights were guarded by other than vener- I try for anything delicate. Even yet I refuse Shai Goldman, the reigning Under 21 able philosophers. to refer to my productions as paintings. They Illustrated by Craig Hollander 110 The Blue and White April 2003 111 are daubs, born of my love of color and in my that settling one problem spawned the birth pleasure in experimenting, nothing else…in of two or three more. The project that I BOOZE HUMANITIES spite of this, I have frequently wished for thought could be accomplished within a very more daylight hours to paint. Its only defect is few months dragged on eternally. I was liv- DRINKING AND DRIVING that it provides no exercise. I’ve often thought ing in the White House, surrounded by lawn, what a wonderful thing it would be to install a before the dream became reality and 116th ven the appreciative connoisseur occasion- their own, and explained the impetus for the compact painting outfit on a golf cart. Street a pleasant mall. Eally feels the need to bid the city “adieu” in strange scene.   the quest for fermented perfection. Thus, the Apparently the entire arrangement was a In one period, I set myself the goal of visit- Louis Hacker, Dean of the School of General presently related episode finds us in the vicin- spot of sport created by the young men dur- ing every classroom, office, and laboratory. Studies, was quite successful in securing dis- ity of San Francisco, at the conclusion of a ing a particularly inventive spell of imbib- Under the guidance of deans and faculty, I tinguished outside lecturers for subjects in hasty but fruitful swing through Napa Valley. ing. They had christened it the “Taxi-Cab spent a morning or an afternoon a week drop- which his classes were interested. Then he I only preface the following remarks by noting Slalom.” Of course, there was no object to ping in on lectures, poking into corners, and made a mistake of coming to me one day to that the only thing better than a good drink is the game, or even set rules for drinking. occasionally getting a chance to chat with stu- ask that I be one of them. a good drink enjoyed in good company; and Rather, it simply happened to occur to these dents or teachers. Climbing stairs was good I told Lou Hacker emphatically that this that a good time generally follows. Such is the fellow sots that certain useless household exercise, I suppose; at least I was usually a was ridiculous…With considerable diffidence, course of our story. objects, when combined with a few pilfered little tired once back in the office, and I did I finally agreed to try a talk before an eve- The day broke well and I rose late, as is my guide signs, might make for a bit of excite- come to know more than I had before. But a ning group. I specified that because I always custom after a night spent in praise of Bacchus. ment in an otherwise drearily ordinary day. guided tour is seldom fun and often profitless; despised long, dreary lectures, I would talk In due order I made my way from my quarters Such delight that followed! We cheered and you are apt to see only what the guide deems for not more than twenty minutes and would into the brilliant world, where I beheld a curi- generally made a backslapping fuss as the proper. be prepared to answer questions, if any were ous sight. The street outside the residence, at hapless autos struggled through the course.  forthcoming. I also said I would have to leave last observance a darkened path dotted only Particular hilarity resulted when one driver Our campus of twenty-six acres or so was, no later than 9:30, if we began at 8:00 PM. I by street lamps, had been transformed into a heatedly gave up in medias res and proceeded by New York standards, an immense real was certain that a longer stay would produce a surreal jumble of obstacle course and garage to lay waste to the potted plant and misshapen estate holding. The original planners prob- sleeping student body. sale. Four intermittently blinking construc- chair that remained in his path. He received ably thought they had ample room for build- ...The room was filled with several hundred tion barriers mingled with a pair of potted a unanimous “10” from our panel of judges, ings and open lawn. They had not foreseen an students. They listened attentively as I went plants, a broken lamp missing its shade, a and provoked a series of toasts in his honor enrollment of thirty thousand. By the time I through a sketch of some of the major aspects vacuum cleaner, and the scattered but never- that heightened our glee and hastened our arrived, despite a few trees and small patches of war, from its historical beginnings to the theless identifiable remnants of a dining set incapacitation. of lawn, we were a “campus” of buildings and tactics and weapons we employed in World with chairs. We may note here that the street I refrain from detailing the chastisement that paving. War II. Then I went a little further to speculate afforded a wide enough berth that cars could followed. Suffice to say that in no way did it The “factory yard” appearance distressed about the prospects of future wars now that pass around the objects, but only an astute detract from the show. I leave the reader only me most of all. Leaving my office by the the atomic bomb existed… navigator could safely weave through without with this admonition: that, while to drink well front entrance of Low Library on a hot day, When I finished, I was astonished to find disrupting either the course or his vehicle. is pleasing, and offers us necessary repose, to I looked down the long flight of stone steps, dozens of students on their feet, ready to ask The source of this mischief was soon discov- combine our sport with the exercise of our cre- across 116th Street crowded with parked cars questions. As each was answered, a half dozen ered in the bay window of an adjoining apart- ative faculties is truly sublime. —Mephiscotcheles and creeping traffic, over the dry gravel and more were ready. This went on for an hour, ment building. One may recall clay of tennis courts to Butler Library, grass- and finally, the professor stood up to say that that San Francisco contains less, treeless. This was the physical center and he had promised to get General Eisenhower a number of steep, winding heart of the University. It should be a green out of the lecture room by 9:30, it was already roads mitigating the hills upon oasis. In my eye, I could see the hot and noisy 9:45, and time to adjourn. I got out as grace- which the city is built; several street converted into lawn, with automobiles fully and quickly as possible—and perspiring ruffians had shrewdly posi- forever barred. from every pore! I had really been “through tioned themselves at the apex An improvement would take a little time and the wringer” and wanted only a quiet corner of one of these hills, affording only a small expenditure of money. When I where I could regain my equilibrium. them an excellent view of the first presented the idea to city officials, all of Next morning Dean Hacker called to say scene about to ensue. Myself them, including Mayor William O’Dwyer, were that I’d done well. In fact he asked that I a patron of such cleverly sympathetic. I quickly learned that stopping sign up on an annual basis for two or three executed rascality, I naturally the flow of traffic through a single block of of these lectures. I was complimented but I went to join the bold fellows. the main artery on Manhattan Island presents silently determined that in coming years I’d Upon stating my credentials, the city authorities with problems they think be unavailable.  they welcomed me as one of appalling or unsolvable…At times it seemed Illustrated by Allen O’Rourke 112 The Blue and White April 2003 113 Professional Driver. Closed Hirsute Russian bear ISO seeks Guaranteed to be the best lay Personals Course. 6690. Anna Kournikova-type to (out) you’ll ever have. 4477 share my Brighton Beach bur- (McIntosh). hether it’s flirting in the elevator, buying that special someone a drink at 1020, or having a Solemn, pensive, shy first- row. 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Illustrated by Claire Ridley Illustrated by Craig Hollander 114 The Blue and White April 2003 115 Thus, when looking at a beautiful flower one is A bright white light shines all around as BLACK also experiencing the regeneration of human JESUS, 33, the son of God in a raggedy robe and remains. The only way that human life will not sandals, steps out from behind a bathroom stall. cease in vain is for people to recognize and He is a friendly guy... DIGITALIA COLUMBIANA appreciate such natural beauty during their JESUS own lifetimes. hese excerpts were culled from documents left on Columbia’s lab computers. We encourage our Why do you want to go to war, man? T readers to submit their own digitalia finds to us, via e-mail, at [email protected].  LEIF (from Pike_Quiz3.doc) I made a commitment, I have a duty to my Write down Ode to a Pledge (In its entirety) country, to real people in my country. We’ve Favorite Words the desert sand. The weather is kuhl in the got to defeat the evil-doers. Limbs Palms Blinking Mouth Fugaz (“Fleeting” winter. Sometimes rain also in the winter. When is the only time you enter a room before JESUS in Spanish. A lisp on the z: fugath. La estrella Internet Translation: a woman? You know, I think it’s so great you’re opposed de fugaz: shooting star.) Foal Ceaselessly The My city is famous for Joshua Trees. It is in to evil, Leif. But you seem a little too excited negative (unceasing, untransformed, etc.) Wave the desert. The weather is very hot [sic] in the Should socks match the shoes or the pants? about killing. Break Glean Dull Combing Dark Lovely Heat summer. One can hike and camp. One can also What is the most general rule when handling  Taut Sleeve Slight Ribboned Bannered Slim lie in the sun. However, one has to be worried introductions of 2 people? Weather Season Bodies of Water and all and careful, because the rattle-snake lives in LEIF derivations: Ocean, Sea, River Strict Hip Okay, okay. Jeez. (pause) But hey-how do I the desert sand. The weather is cooler [sic] in  Cinematographer the winter. Sometimes rain also in winter even know you’re the real thing? I could be  Catholicism is itself an elaborate paradox. messed up on some chemical attack by terror- I am a dreamer because I dreams stuffs.  The decadents merely emphasized the point ists or something. within their own aesthetic of paradox. The My brother is a pain. When I am nice, he plays The theme, “Knowledge is power,” is one Jesus kneels on the floor, puts his hands down on Church is at once modern and yet medieval, like a mice. that is pervasive in literature. From Socrates’ the floor. ascetic and yet sumptuous, spiritual and yet sexual virility to Adam and Eve’s eating of the JESUS  sensual, chaste and yet erotic, homophobia forbidden fruit to even Montaigne’s writing of I’ll show you who’s the real deal, Marine. and yet homoerotic, suspicious of aestheticism A political system based on the domination his essays, knowledge or the desire for it seem Leif seems doubtful. He gets into position to wres- and yet an elaborate work of art. perverts until the most personal aspects of the to have been the cause for such action. tle, taking Black Jesus’ arms and putting his chin individual relations.  on his savior’s back.   Texturally, the brutal absence of singular  Kimchi : Hi. My name is Kimchi. I came from personal pronouns creates a void in the open- The Columbia campus has been plagued with Korea. The sharing of the text makes it grow in new ing paragraph of the text and signals the providing resources. The Engineering Student Sushi : Hello. I’m Sushi. I came from Japan, ways. There is even some modern (post- narrator’s self-abnegation and self-extrication Council has been committed to advocating for very close to Korea. structuralist/deconstruction?) theory that from the thorny social landscape of middle- student space for undergraduates. French Fries : Nice meeting you. Long time holds that the audience is the true writer of class Anglican mores. Good heavens. Indeed,  ago, I was born in Belgium. But, Now, I’m the text (scriptor) as Barthes writes. the laconic shift from ‘we’ to ‘they’ at the end famous as French Fries not as Belgium Fries.  Meine Stadt ist beruhmt fur Joshua Trees. of the second paragraph is a transforming I don’t know why I am called like that. Sie ist in die Wüste. Das Wetter ist sehr heib moment in the text. Look out! For there the What extra step can we take as future doc- French Fries : If you want to find me, try to im Sommer. Mann kann wandern und zelten. font size suddenly changes, grows serifs. tors to help our communities? Establish a free Mann kann auch in der Sonne liegen. Mann find Hamburger. Hamburger is my best friend. Muslim clinic! Want to know how you can get  muss besorgt sein weil Die Klapperschlange When you go to McDonald, cashiers always involved? Come to blah blah blah at blah blah wohnt in der Wüstensand. Das Wetter ist ask people to buy me with Hamburger. Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz is one of the bright- blah, on blah blah blah. Insha’Allah Kimchi : I have many relatives. I’m made of est stars of Spanish literature. She was an kuhl im Winter. Manchmal regnen auch im As-salam-u-alaikum, alhamdullah we are all mainly cabbage and hot pepper. Koreans love intellectual, writer, playwright, and poet, who Winter. entering a profession that is inherently Islamic, me as much as crazy. They never have a meal also played a role in the social world of the Internet Translation: as doctors. We are also living in a time period without me. vice-regal court of New Spain. However, her My city is beruhmt fur Joshua Trees. It is where Muslims have to really step up and be Kimchi : If you also want to find me, you primary identity for the majority of her life into the desert. The weather is much heib proactive in order to dispel the many ignorant in the summer. Man can move and tents. should be careful to call my name among my was defined by her status as a nun. relatives such as water-white Kimchi, scallion ideas about our deen. It is our responsibility Man can lie also in the sun. Man must be  to make our communities aware of the baraka anxious because the rattling queue lives in Kimchi, sesame leaf Kimchi. I can’t count how many relatives I have. that Islam brings to a community.  116 The Blue and White April 2003 117 LECTURE NOTES Crossword Puzzle COOL HOUSE “Required Reading,” by Vijay Iyer ow will architects characterize the ing with Europe to find a new more attrac- DOWN “Hbeginning of the 21st century? What tive alternative, proposes the multicolored 01. “____ wonderful life…” are the key conversations that will shape barcode. 02. Former 49er great architectural theory and practice in the The crash of both the Concorde and the 03. Object decades to come?” asks GSAP in their online World Trade Center in 2001 led to a re-con- 04. Viper introduction to their lecture series “The ceptualization of the world city. Speaking 05. Just to you State of Architecture at the Beginning of briefly about the proposals for ground zero, 06. Red Sox swinger st the 21 Century.” Ready with both intrigu- Koolhaas commented that disaster should not 07. Motor around ing ideas and potent turns of phrase, Rem allow for the creation of “junk” space. His 08. Paris airport Koolhaas—the prominent Dutch architect and remarks on the project ranged from “anyone 09. Tinct author—stepped up to the podium to detail his who describes their architecture as a cathedral 10. Epicurean term st views. Predictably, notebook-clenching archi- in the 21 century deserves to burn on the fir 11. University Professor tecture-buffs filled every available inch of pile” to a description of Liebeskind’s design 12. Creative music queen? viewing space in the lower level of Avery Hall, as “disaster forever.” Instead of submitting 13. Okay itself undergoing an architectural overhaul. In a design into the ground zero competition, 24. New Yorker’s brand of order to put in context the state of architec- Koolhaas decided to work on another project choice? st ture at the beginning of the 21 century, of rebirth and progress, the headquarters of 25. Good with equipment Koolhaas curiously began his lecture by look- China’s first TV network, CCTV. 26. Short for negative ing back to 1972, the year that the Concorde The latter portion of his lecture addressed 27. Grad. school exam took to the skies and World Trade Center rose the challenges of working in such an ancient 28. Reviews poorly above the skyline. These two events helped and fundamentally different city like Beijing 29. Adds to a sentence eliminate the obstacle that distance had pre- without bringing in, what he termed the “shit 30. Quick pan fry viously posed to globalization, while symbol- ideals” that have previously made Western 31. With a gun izing and promoting the import architecture in 32. Best residence hall? market economy. Since China so “painful.” For 33. Religious symbol in then, he claims, no cultural Koolhaas, the task was to Russia activity has been indepen- find a way of “doing noth- ACROSS 34. “Just What I Needed” dent of shopping. He calls ing” so that “low-rise” 01. Required reading? 41. Strange band shopping the “connective Chinese life could con- 14. Children 42. Hardens up 35. In ____: slumping tissue” between activities, tinue by suspending the 15. Board game 43. Perfect 36. Medicines, in short which has led to a “culture market economy forces: 16. Yarn 44. Vote to reject 39. Worldcom predecessor of endlessness.” In this “preservation without 17. Tier 45. Denotes group 40. The future of new culture of endless- gentrification.” His team 18. Distance from affiliation computers, maybe ness, everything strives for designed a loop-shaped Columbia to the Met? 46. Headed 47. Sleep disorder beauty and historical signifi- Illustrated by Cara Rachele building with a loop of pub- 19. Sesame, Vegetable, 47. Univ. of Birmingham, 48. Understand cance; the resulting product is utterly forget- lic space that would allow visitors to circulate Corn… maybe 49. Pre-BS table. Koolhaas noted that many architects through the building and view television in 20. Lerner has 2 50. You don’t need one to 50. Abundant have sought creative freedom in virtual space, all of its stages, thus “taking the high out 21. Alamo hero grad. 51. Lotion ingredient and the result of their research is greater of high-rise.” Koolhaas emphasized that the 22. Nabokov novel 53. Media format 52. East Asian lang. class? separation between this virtual architecture project changed, as it should have, when more 23. Bard’s before 54. Type of class, in short 53. Sulk and built architecture. Chinese became involved. 24. What CCers aspire to? 57. Juice solids 54. “Triumph of the Will” Returning to modern, forgettable culture, Koolhaas closed his remarks by comment- 27. Dean’s List determiner 58. Navigator’s tool director Riefenstahl Koolhaas spoke about the EU, which he called ing that today, the profession of architecture 30. Cutting tool 59. ____ Postale 55. Mistakes, in short an uninspiring “iconographic wasteland.” To had been weakened by surrendering to the 32. “Axis of Evil” member 60. Most popular of 50- 56. Deal with overcome its unpopularity, he suggested that highest bidder while it should have used the 34. Best residence hall? across 57. Domestic animal the EU promote itself as a “collaboration new opportunities of the market economy and 37. Lit Hum and CC 61. Baroque musical? 58. Small change in Nice of differences,” not Blueurope. He called globalization to invent. “Nothing is stable,” author, affectionately 62. Crunch! 59. Tap a cigarette Europe’s flag a “dead fish” and, after work- Lecture Notes continued on page 121 38. Required reading? 63. Required reading? answer key on page 121 118 The Blue and White April 2003 119 Life,” Danesi’s ideas simply become hard to Lecture Notes continued from page 118 swallow. He posits, for example, that “In their he said, “but the great thing about instabil- A Puzzling History own miniature way, and as trivial as they ity is the opportunity for change.” The larger may seem, puzzles fill an existential void, so the project, the more likely it is to be con- by Max DiLallo to speak, that we would otherwise feel con- fronted with changing needs. For this reason, stantly within us, by providing small-scale architecture must be malleable—focused on The Puzzle Instinct: The Meaning of ten the Ahmes Papyrus, the earliest known experiences of the large-scale questions that “accommodating groups of people who want Puzzles in Human Life mathematical treatise on everything from frac- life poses.” to be together,” and hopefully surpass the By Marcel Danesi tional conversions to linear equations. Along Were it meant merely to be a standalone one-to-one relationship between current and Indiana University Press, 2002 the rest of our “excursion into Puzzleland,” survey of the history of the brainteaser, future needs. Architecture, noted the architect, 269 pgs; $25.95 Danesi introduces us to other notable puzzle Danesi’s two-hundred-fifty-page book would is, after all, unnecessary because anything he human instinct for survival, as well as gurus, like King Alfonso X of Castile and be a masterpiece: it is thorough, thoughtful, can take place anywhere. —Danielle D’Onfro man’s impulse to reproduce, both seem to Léon, who, in the mid-13th century, commis- and extremely accessible to even the most T amateur of puzzlers. If, for example, an avid Answer Key make very good evolutionary sense. A far more sioned the first known book of card and board chess player or crossword addict wishes to (But no peeking without a sincere effort.) bemusing remnant from mankind’s primordial game rules. We also meet the zany Ancient know the history of his or her game, The past is his seemingly obsessive drive to solve Greek poet Metrodorus, the first to ever com- Puzzle Instinct is as good as the Gospel. But seemingly meaningless puzzles and riddles pile a puzzle collection; the Arabian scholar be warned that Danesi’s attempts to be pro- which “require substantial time and mental Al-Khwarizmi, credited with the invention of found ultimately undermine his extensive effort to solve” but bear “no apparent reward algebra; Welshman Robert Recorde, creator research and inadvertently paint him as a other than the simple satisfaction of solving of the “equal” sign; French Jesuit Claude- puzzle-enthusiast-turned-existential-mystic. them.” Gaspar Bachet de Mézirac, publisher of the In the preface, Danesi writes: “I am not sure This is the enigma that Marcel Danesi’s best-selling puzzle anthology of all time; and whether I have found any such pattern to or recent book, The Puzzle Instinct: The Meaning the neurotic Swiss mathematician Leonhard meaning in puzzles. Maybe there is none. All of Puzzles in Human Life, attempts to solve. Euler, who became so obsessed with “magic I can say is that the search for one has been Approaching the issue from psychological, number squares” that ‘smile.’ In English, a revealing and pleasurable.” If only he had fol- sociological, and historic points of view, smile is commonly conceptualized metaphori- lowed his own words.  Danesi, a professor of semiotics and anthro- cally as something that, like clothing, can be pology at the University of Toronto, argues worn. This is why we speak of wearing a smile, that human beings possess an actual “instinct” taking a smile off one’s face, and so on.” to solve puzzles. This instinct, curiously, is an Importantly, the book is peppered with innate primal drive just like any other, and is random and unfocused propositions—all of one that actually adds meaning and purpose which, curiously, are extravagantly highfa- to human life. lutin, yet painfully, prosaically trite. Though Before Danesi makes these claims, he takes Danesi readily admits that his wild notions are us on a comprehensive tour of the surprisingly groundless speculations, their ubiquity makes lengthy history of riddles, posers, and brainteas- his alleged impartiality seem suspicious; ers. Our journey begins over eleven thousand he clearly believes that puzzles and years ago, on the banks of Lake Edward in mankind share a most intimate con- modern-day Zaire, where an indigenous nection that borders on the sub- tribe is alleged to have invented an extremely lime, and makes sure his readers primitive game of craps that employed two pickup on that. In the book’s small, notched animal bones for dice. Next we final chapter, ominously travel to Ancient Egypt where the entitled “The Puzzle of legendary scribe A’h-mose is believed to have writ-

Illustrated by Paul Heyer 120 The Blue and White April 2003 121 Postcard from Paris Michael S. Paulson, embedded in Reid Hall, has an epistolary exchange with his close friend Craig Hollander Dear voluptuous magazine, Dear Mike: Salut to you all from Paris. A fine city. I rec- We are all pleased that you are enjoying ommend you try it. your semester abroad in France. Who knew All of you bastards had better go to the that a wine-guzzling bearded poet with funky Manet/Velasquez and Picasso/Matisse shows, glasses could fit in so well with Euro-trash? because they have emptied out all of Europe’s Rest assured that we are taking good care art treasures and sent them over there. And of your city, though she misses you a great I’m left crying like a little girl. But I guess deal. The economy is bad, and is made worse CAMPUS GOSSIP there’s other art in Europe. by your absence; I have heard rumors that ORRECTION! The Blue and White, ever Professor of Philosophy Jeffrey Friedman A brief Ur-gossip: Lifelong learners a la the proprietors of 1020 are considering an Cready to give credit where it is due, admonishing his “Liberalism and Communit- francaise. Et in arcadia ego. Et in Lutecia ego. extended holiday until your return. wholeheartedly apologizes to staff artist Cara arianism” class: “No, don’t read the preface, Yes folks, this is not only an American phe- My liver has also been under-worked since Rachele for leaving her off the masthead and because then it will all become clear to you, nomenon. There’s a middle-aged woman in you’ve left. Though my refrigerator is stocked mislabeling her illustrations in our previous and we’re not done yet. I have to draw a couple the discussion section of my Sorbonne class with Yuengling and precious, precious gin, issue. more paychecks before you know the truth.” on Chateaubriand and Flaubert. When the there are few here to share it with during a  Later, a student had the temerity to ask, “So smug-ass professor always begins class by rousing episode of “The Sopranos” or “South JABBARMANIA If Mr. T wrote for The Spec for the last 300 years we’ve done nothing in demanding to know what we talked about Park.” In truth, if I pour out any more liquor sports section, his headline describing Kareem philosophy?” Friedman replied, “well we’ve last class, this nice lady is always on the ball for you, my homey who couldn’t make it, my Abdul-Jabbar’s interest in coaching the men’s done things, but I think they are bad.” with her response: “We were talking about rug would be too stained and wet for further basketball team would have been: “Dribblers  Chateaubriand!” use. That said, come home soon for I am ever Jibber Jabber about Abdul-Jabbar.” A recent e-mail from the Undergraduate House Save some of those sweet sweet issues for so lonely…and sober. If Columbia fails to hire Jabbar, The Council to the residents of Broadway read: me. And send poems and fiction. Your friend and housing proxy, B&W suggests we look no further than Sir “HEY! Are you tired of studying all that Je vous serre la main, Craig Charles Barkley to lead the Lions next year. econ? Does Kockesen want to know how Mike Demonstrating astute strategic skills, Barkley much milk you like in your coffee and how was quoted saying: “I cannot believe that Dan much they cost? Fuck him. That strangely Rather didn’t just kill Saddam Hussein when well-dressed son of a bitch can go to the ���� � ������� ����� he was interviewing him, and that would have �� ��� store and find out himself. Since you obvi- saved us all that money going to war. He could ously care too much about learning your have said ‘Hey Saddam, let’s go get something economics to give L. Kock what he deserves, to eat,’ and then stabbed him in the neck with come get some free pizza afterwards in a fork.” the Broadway lobby at 8:00 PM sharp.  FREE PIZZA! BROADWAY LOBBY. 8 PM. Kudos to Johnsonian Professor of Philosophy STRAIGHT OUTTA PLIMPTON. BROUGHT Emeritus Arthur C. Danto for his appearance TO YOU BY THOSE UHC BITCHES. YEAH, on HBO’s “Da Ali G Show.” In his capacity as UHC. DOING THAT SHIT PROPER. PEACE esteemed art critic for The Nation, Professor OUT.” Danto attempted to explain to a visibly con-  ������ ������ ���� fused Ali G the differences between Art His Achilles’ heel? “Well, I can’t make crème ��������� Deco, Art Nouveau and Art Garfunkel. Danto, brûlée in bulk,” the otherwise brilliant Phillip author of “Nietzsche as Philosopher” and � �� � � � �� � Kitcher guiltily admitted to his CC class. “The Transfiguration of the Commonplace”,  declined his host’s offer to “kick it gangsta.” Written on an East Campus dry-erase board: ��� ������� ������������ �����  ����������������������������� “Dear OWNERS OF GALLON OF MILK, The Blue and White would like to congratu- I smelled your milk b/c I know it has been there ��������� late Allen Brinkley on his appointment to rom before Puerto Rico + it def has gone sour. Provost. It look [sic] like it has started to curdle as well.  Illustrated by Cara Rachele Recommendation: Throw it away.” 122 The Blue and White April 2003 123 SCHILLING SEZ, featuring Professor of In a roundtable discussion led by Professor Political Science Warner Schilling Gayatri Spivak on “Globalization and Recently, an undergraduate frustrated by his Regionalism,” Kenneth Frampton, Professor poor knowledge of Victorian nautical tech- of Architecture, began to responding to a col- nology e-mailed the good professor with a league thusly: “What you’re saying reminds question on the reading: “What is the ‘curved me of a beautiful passage in Jemison in which protective deck’ developed in the late 19th he says...well, actually he’s quoting me, but...” century to protect cruisers from fire, creating Never one for modesty, The Blue & White com- the “protected” cruisers?” Schilling’s response mends the Professor’s self-referencing candor. was quick, concise, and very, very helpful: “Think of a curved deck with protection!”  In his “War, Peace, and Strategy” class: “In On the April 2 edition of “The Daily Show August of 1916 Romania decided to join with with Jon Stewart,” Professor Marc Spiegelman war with the Allies, but their 600,000 soldiers of the physics department was interviewed were poorly trained. At the start of the war by Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry a memo had to be distributed to Romanian regarding the actual possibility of the earth officers reminding them that no one below core stopping it’s rotation, as depicted in the the rank of colonel had the right to wear film “The Core.” The film tells us that should makeup.” the core stop rotating, buildings will collapse, During a lecture on chemical warfare, one bridges will snap, and complete chaos on curious student asked if it was difficult to earth will ensue. Their conversation went as make poison gas. The professor, ever obliging, follows: offered: “Well, when I was a boy, I once made Corddry: “Professor Spiegelman, you’re a geo- so much chlorine gas that we had to evacu- physicist, correct?” ate my house.” This led the Blue & White to Prof. Spiegelman: “Yes.” wonder if Blix and Co. might have been better Corddry: “So, could the earth’s core stop served coming uptown to hunt for WMDs. rotating?”  Prof. Spiegelman: “It’s very, very, very, very unlikely.” The following note was found on an other- Corddry: “But could it happen?” wise vacant Butler desk: “No more Cervantes! Prof. Spiegelman: “It’s like a billion to one Must go home! i’ve had about all I can take of chance--” this crazy Spaniard. PS: We’ve got to hold on Corddry: “BUT COULD IT HAPPEN?” to what we’ve got / it doesn’t make a differ- Prof. Spiegelman: “Ok, I suppose it could hap- ence if we make it or not.” pen.”  [Pause] More from that gossip well we call the Corddry:(solemn) “Yippy-kay-yay, moth- John Jay cafeteria FEEDback erf---er.” board: “I was disappointed  to find that the Vegan Recently, Columbia football McNuggets were not made players have been seen of fresh vegan.” wearing t-shirts featuring  the phrase “Pain is good.” Given the team’s record When entering the ancient- this season, The Blue and medieval studies room in White suggests that our Butler library, much like football team choose a new in an empty restaurant, one slogan for next year. Say, finds an overtly unnecessary “Winning is good,” or “Pain is sign that reads: “Please Seat good—FOR OUR OPPONENT”. Yourself.”  Plastic sandwich wrap… it sucks!  124 The Blue and White