Vol. XVII No.8 The University's Late Night Feature Paper January 29, 1996

{

Page 1I ·-916--anrRla~is~·tr~8~~11~4~~

0STATET EMP lSSIREA I

By Chris Sorochin ing, hockey-playing nuts are just similar enough to have previously done so. One CNN commentator us culturally to provide what Noam Chomsky calls on the Russian Duma elections was typically Well, its another New Year and the anniversary the "threat of a good example": they're what we Orwellian: "They've voted to reject democracy." of the January 1 rebellion of the Zapatistas in could be if we got our act together and that realiza- Figure that one out. I always thought democracy Chiapas, Mexico. Unwilling to see their centuries- tion might give folks here some funny ideas. was supposed to reflect the will of the people and old communal agrarian way of life destroyed so Wouldn't it be great if instead of Gingrich and the how they're governed and how their economy agribusiness could move in, and unwilling to rest of the Dickensian knaves shutting down the runs. I guess the "demo" must refer exclusively to become part of the impoverished masses of excess government to inflate their egos, the American the people on Wall St. and their equivalents in labor swelling the shantytowns of Mexico City, people got together and stopped the music, just to London, Tokyo and other financial centers. Mayan peasants supported the uprising, which let'em know we won't be trifled with? No, I don't think anybody wants to see the return began on the day NAFTA went into effect. But the real dirt I have to dish with you is our lat- of repressive Soviet totalitarianism. But among Meanwhile, besides using our tax dollars to est glorious rescue mission, to Bosnia, where we'll Eastern Europeans I speak to, there's a palpable bail out investors in the crashed Mexican econo- charge in like knights in armored vehicles and stop nostalgia for the security and predictability of the my, jobs are lost here and inflation pauperizes those irrational, blood crazed Slavs (especially the "good old days." In Russia, especially, economic the average Mexican. The US has been providing heavily demonized Serbs) from taking out their "shock therapy" insisted upon by the World weapons to the Mexican government as they ancient hatreds on each other. Bank/IMF has succeeded in enriching a few- wage a low-intensity war against the Zapatistas Well, get this: it seems that in November, 1990, mainly criminals and bureaucrats, while the aver- and their indigenous sympathizers. Once again, when Yugoslavia was still intact, the US Congress age citizen has been plunged into poverty as sub- we're helping a corrupt, undemocratic govern- passed a little measure, the 1991 Foreign sidies and social programs are cut or abolished. TA T a. - - - - . - - - _ _ __ - - - _.__ - . 9._ ment make war on its own people. Western companies are pouring in to Next door in Guatemala, Jennifer take advantage of the situation. Harbury, a US citizen whose hus- Suddenly, all the Marxist dogma they band was kidnapped, tortured and were forced to absorb all those years murdered by the US trained isn't quite so much hogwash. Maybe Guatemalan military, considered the they can synthesize the best aspects of most brutal in the hemisphere, con- both systems... tinues to pursue her case against the Well, I think it's pretty obvious that Guatemalan commanders and their that's not going to fly in the New World CIA enablers. In Washington DC, in Order. The Western Europeans are early January, Harbury's US being given the word that their flirta- lawyer's car was destroyed by a tions with socialism which have pro- bomb and shots were fired into the vided them with such a high standard house where Harbury is staying. of living, are over. During the Cold One mainstream account I read sus- War, "Our" Europe had to look better pected "international terrorists." than "Their" Europe. No more. Now In Honduras, judges have had the we're treated to the spectacle of courage to indict members of the mili- Swedish banks and companies trying tary, a dangerous thing. The Honduran to unravel Sweden's impressive and military is also known for its brutality much-envied safety net. and is also cozy with the CIA. I humbly submit that the US now has The US iovernment refuses to turn a massive military presence, which over to the Haitian government doc- some estimate at about ten times the uments seized from ousted coup leaders. I won- Appropriations Law 101-513. To get the Yugoslav 25,000 usually reported. For the first time in histo- der what they say about US connections to the government to open up to privatization, the US- ry in Eastern Europe, just in case the natives get coup. We already know that Emmanuel dominated World Bank/IMF cut off all financial aid, any notions about not holding still for being Constant, leader of the FRAPH terror organiza- causing the economy to implode. In addition, the "restructured" into a new Third World. tion, was on the CIA payroll and allowed entry law demanded separate elections for each of the six On the home front, the government has ground into the US. republics and offered election funds only to "demo- to a halt twice now, as our fearless leaders attempt In Haiti, there also continues to be widespread cratic" (i.e. capitalistic) parties, meaning ultranation- to shove down our throats the idea that cutting opposition to the World Bank/International alist, separarist parties, like the reconstituted neofas- everything that benefits us is good and we'll just Monetary Fund policies of privatization of state- cists who now control Croatia and have promoted have to get used to it, like the punishing parent's run industries, which is sure to cause more poverty some heavy duty ethnic cleansing with US help. classic line, "You'll thank me for this some day." and pillage in the poorest country in the Americas. Here we go again. As in the Persian Gulf, Panama, Last fall, the Black and Progressive Caucuses pro- Across the Atlantic, French government workers Vietnam, etc, the US power structure creates an posed a seven-year budget balancing plan that succeeded in paralyzing the entire country for unstable and dangerous situation, and then claims centered on cuts in military spending and weeks in opposition to their government's plan to that as the world's enforcer we have to go in risking increased taxes on the rich. It was ignored by both start cutting benefits and privatizing. But unlike the lives of countless people, including US soldiers, the bulk of Congress and-the media. Corporate other countries I could name, the French are refus- because them dern furreigners just can't behave. welfare escaped the tough-love budget ax ing to see their standard of living sacrificed on the UN health organizations estimate that approxi- unscathed. Surprise, surprise. altar of financial markets and let their leaders mately 4,000 children a month die in Iraq due to Not that there's no hope. A group of doctors got know who really makes the country go. What's sanctions. That's every month. Happy fifth together and publicly burned their AMA cards and particularly terrific is that people outside the pub- anniversary. The one million or so that they risked arrest to protest the insurance industry's lic sector supported them, realizing that their slipped into the military budget that the Pentagon sabotage of health-care reform. The Congressional whole welfare state is threatened and eventually didn't even ask for? Now I guess we know why. Budget Office determined that a Canadian-style they'll feel the wolf at their backs. And to what end? Well, there's the perennial jus- single-payer system would be the most cost-effec- Most of the US corporate media couldn't under- tification for astronomical military spending tive and efficient, one of those funny ideas I spoke stand why those silly French would refuse to take the Eastern Europe is also the new frontier for eco- of earlier. Isn't it mysterious that this option never bitter medicine everyone (except big business and nomic colonization. Western European interests entered into the lobbyist driven "debate" that once related profiteers) is being prescribed these days. are anxious to move in and exploit, so it behooves again denied us what the rest of the First World Just north of the border, workers shut down the US to have some firepower on hand to assure has? London, Ontario for a day to protest the policies of that "we" get "out" our piece of the baklava, the Cheer up, though, George Pataki is soon to carry the premier of Ontario, not so affectionately referred biggest and gooiest piece being the most desirable. out the campaign promise that got him elected; he's to as "Newt of the North." Again hardly reported. I Yet another factor is the mood throughout going to execute some wretch who didn't have the truly believe that the main reason US media doesn't Eastern Europe these days At the end of last year, money to hire a good enough lawyer to get him off. cover Canada isn't because it's a boring place or both Russia and Poland voted putative commu- That'll do wonders for state morale. Soon we'll look nothing happens there, but because those beer-swill- nists back into power. Hungary and Lithuania just like a cold-weather Bible ]continued on page 8 -s ----~I " - -·I --~ - I - __ The Stony Brook Press page 2 Peace And Brown-Nosing For All

By Anne Ruggiero watch, and a system which would rate television lic behavior from Sen. Dole. (Strangely reminis- programs. (C'mon Bill. It didn't really work for cent of the second grade, isn't it?). As the presi- Ah, the annual State of the Union Address. The the movies, and besides, if a nine year old kid is dent entered the chamber, the Democrats sprang invigorating, national pep talk that is given every up at four in the morning watching pornos, from their seats and exploded in a rather amus- January in the hopes of making the new year a chances are his parents don't give a shit what he's ing display of whooping, cheering and little more structured, more .accomplished and seeing anyway.) Clinton also took a position on whistling. The cause of this uproar is obvious- more civilized than the last. Well, it's happened crime, defending the Brady Bill and introducing a campaign plug for their Great White Hope. rain iirln 1 th• rh the, 19QQrratorr v s drolir- C-on Rarrv Mrcaffrer as the new ODrcr Czar. One would exnect our nolitical leaders to behave ered to a feuding Congress, exhausted like ladies and gentlemen at a formal, tele- media, and a skeptical public audience, vised announcement, but of course, a little President Bill Clinton managed to get dignity is a little too much to ask for. I was through it alive, advocating apple-pie val- especially amused by the camera shot of an ues, a play-nice media, and an America that unrecognized man who was shaking his head lives within its means. and mouthing the word "bastard" during the Clinton's speech was actually quite infor- speech. Even Clinton himself was not exempt mative, although it's nothing that the from a bit of sophomoric behavior, as, right American public doesn't already know. before his address, he passed a note to Focusing on seven key flaws, or "challenges," Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich who as he so euphemistically phrased them, the then burst into laughter. (Glad you guys president spoke out on crime, education, enjoyed the joke.) health insurance, family values, foreign poli- Clinton also made sure that he had his lips cy (we still have one?), the environment, and firmly pressed up against Congresses' ass, as economic security. The most relevant point to a definite theme of "can't we all just get the readers of this paper is Clinton's educa- along?" permeated the speech. He made a tional policy. He spoke of national graduation point of acknowledging his own faults of the standards, school uniforms, and a choice of past year and implored Congress to cooperate public schools. Clinton also stressed the need for In spite of the clear, organized, and valid in the best interests of the nation. more merit-based scholarships and stronger address that Clinton gave, I was captivated more In summary, President Clinton managed to parental involvement in a child's education, by the behavior of the audience members. The cover relevant issues from government reduc- rightly stating that "no teacher or program can whole affair began more as a circus side show. tion to the lessening of global nuclear arms. He [substitute for] that." The president also set some The miffed Republicans and gloating Democrats faced the fragmented Congress with aplomb and remarkably ludicrous goals, such as putting all sat on opposite sides of the aisle as if they were earned a great campaign plug for the coming public schools and libraries on-line by the year spanning the Great Divide. Rumors of a year. The 1996 State of the Union Address was a 2000. Let's face it-there are still rural and urban Republican demonstration against Clinton dur- needed success for Clinton, and could possibly districts who can't hire enough teachers or buy ing the program had Democrats and camera be a sign of what's to come in the campaign sea- decent books. He also suggested a V-chip that crews alike anxiously eyeing the GOP and sup- son. Senator Dole, watch out. allows parents to censor what their children posedly provoked a warning about proper pub- 1996 Political Arena: A Synopsis of American politics in the 90's By Heather Rosenow the arena of concealment of personal views up When speaking until now has been Bob Dole. Besides hating we can hardly overlook Newt Gingrich and his proteges. He'd probably have a Our Government has shut down, cut benefits, liberals, Bill Clinton, and anything which might little freshman if it weren't for those overzeal- refused to accept compromise, put it's First Lady reek of welfare, do we really know what this better reputation Half of them have never even on trial, and the new year's just begun. We still man stands for? He is also one of the most ous little freshies. have this amusing business of campaigns to deal uncharismatic speakers I have ever seen. held office before. school these littleuns were never with and the closer we get to election time, the Compared with Clinton, he looked like a While in word compromise. It appears that more interesting and summarily useless the cam- mechanical dummy. No one ever taught him to taught the at Newt like he's a traitor if he paign tactics become. Let's begin with the read cue cards in Law School, I'll wager. Then way. They hiss hint of backing down on any Republican Presidential hopefuls. Phil Gramm. of course there is Steven Forbes, a thrillingly mentions any to forget that the Senate Here's a man who can't seem to lose his politi- wealthy individual whom I am sure is only in topic. They seem have such a strong Republican cian persona, even with children in their own the political arena to benefit the underpaid (which does not and will be all term. But houses. He has taken to doing interviews and overworked masses. Yeah. How many millions majority) is still there, cutting needeHe has a new economic lectures in people's kitchens, for that of dollars did this man make last year? We this champion of Government (perhaps he more personal effect no doubt. Instead of becom- don't know because he's a little skittish about- plan to reopen the blame of a non-functional ing the guy next door, he's become a door to door disclosing his financial info. Hmmm. He appar- realized that all the on his party) and told his economics consultant boring the hell out of ently didn't think it was enough because his flat governor was falling they voted against it, they'd unsuspecting voters rate tax plan would enable him to rake in even little freshies that if That's a threat if I It was reported recently in the New York more money. I suppose it would help his bil- permanently be on his "list". as usual. Someone has Times that when asked by an 11 year old lionaire freinds as well. ever heard one. Politics "We the People..." are whether the world would be overrun by gun Flat rate, in translation, means people earn- to remind Congress that I suggest we all let toting terrorists in their future, he replied "Well, ing over a certain amount and under a certain still here watching, and on when we vote in let me say that I'm very concerned about violent amount would pay no taxes. Do you have any them know what's going don't, our government is crime." That's great Phil. When are you going clue what that would do to the very taxed mid- the next election. If we until doomsday. to mention your plans to prevent it? If kids in dle class? It would tax us into oblivion. Forbes going to be nonfuntional coming to the fore- Iowa are concerned about it at age eleven, per- also hasn't exactly been a champion of senior Watch for the new issues America's haps it's time you took it seriously. citizens, who comprise a huge portion of vot- front of politics. Anti-Liberalism, budgets, cuts When he met with a mechanical engineer who ers in the United States. He settled an age dis- place in foreign affairs, balancing the ever present worked for John Deere he shared with all crimination suit filed against him by his for- that are "for our own good", in politics, and racial around that it's been his dream all these years mer seccretary just before entering the abortion issue, religion fire. Stay awake or to drive a tractor and run things over. Yeah. Presidential race. Apparently he felt she didn't differences are all catching Now what do you think about foreign and fit in and was simply too gray. That should go you'll end up getting burned. domestic policy? Oh, I forgot. The specialist in over well in Florida.

January 29, 1996 page 3 Editorial ..] ... M ini nD Orange lad MInons Of Death

Last semester The Press ran a story were involved in the commotion that entitled "SPA Security: Friend or occurred that evening. They have Foe?" The story described the prob- been suspended for 30 days, begin- lems the author had with SPA ning January 28th, and will not be Security and the job they did at the employed by SPA Security during Shelter concert. The patrons were that period. harassed and warned against "violent We congratulate her. dancing;" I guess that was moshing. This is a very bold move, to suspend Probably the scariest thing she heard people she calls friends. But it is the was one of the security guards talking right thing to do. She could have tried to another "If you see anyone jump up to sweep the whole thing under the in the crowd I want you to start rug, claiming that there was no 'suffi- f***ing swinging." cient reason' to do anything about This article, along with a motion this. In the letter, she says "SPA brought up by a Press staff member Security is a professional organization during the senate meeting, alerted and will not tolerate anything other SPA that something had to be done than such standards." about their "orange-clad minions of Thankfully she chose to put the uni- antagonism, aggression and igno- versity first and herself second. She rance." wants to make SPA Security "as pro- So when I started to read the let- fessional, beneficial and efficient as is ter that had been stuffed into my possible." We hope she succeeds in mailbox from Alexis Hunter, Head of her endeavor to make SPA Security as SPA Security, I got concerned. I fig- good as it should be. ured it was someone else who was It is also refreshing to see someone trying to sue us, but I didn't remem- do something for the good of the cam- ber any instances of libel. pus, we need more people like her. As I finished the letter I was elated. Hell, if she wants to run for elected Not only has someone on campus office, she's got my vote. noticed an important issue, but Alexis also did something about it. She suspended all the officers that

Letters E. CONTINUALLY.... SINKING THEIR Why don't they go out of their way through a series of fanatical, illiterate HEADS IN THE SAND to get rid of the corruption that exist and ignorant papers of Ms. Heather at the Chapin Apartments or in Rosenow, "The Press" became one of Why do the people in Financial Financial Aid? Is covering up corrup- the strongholds of shameful, one- Aid/Bursar/Registrar keep on get- tion that is occurring right now going sided and absolutely unobjective US ting away with murder? It's because to really make it go away? When are media coverage of the war in the the Higher Ups purposely choose to they going to stop putting students Balkans. I was living in hope thai look the other way, and pretend that on the backburner, and put them and what is appropriate for establish- they don't see all the injustices, and their issues, experiences, continuous ment-kept, remote-controlled mass corruption taking place, as if that will injustices in the forefront? Is it really media like CNN, NYT and thei Croatian) - so, who are these "inno- make all the corruption occurring all fair to students to be treated like a media-mercenaries is far away from cent lambs" (who, btw, waged over the campus will just disappear number, and in a nonchalant manner. "The Press", but I feel deeply disap- bloody war for four years, although by acting like it doesn't exist... Don't the Higher Ups know it's time pointed. I do not want to waste your they are placid like kittens in a bas- Those in authority who could and to make a change? time enumerated all prejudices and ket)? Ms. Rosenow wishes to make a should make a difference are indiffer- If you have all this authority and insinuations present in Ms. dichotomy: Bosnians - Serbs, ent to students at Stony Brook and can make a difference, why not make Rosenow's last several articles on although it is obvious that more than the harassment they face at the hands a difference. Your selfish and indiffer- Bosnia; instead of that, I shall just ask a third of so-called Bosnians are of these state workers, who are as ent attitude does make you a part of few simple questions (which, of Serbs, and that victims she - from her unprofessional as they come. The rea- the problem, because you sure as hell course, call for a little bit of knowl- comfortable Stony Brook nest - so son that they don't watch or oversee aren't part of the solution, which edge about the region, its history and compassionately praises are Bosnian these crooks is because they live and means that your position is empty current situation, knowledge painful- Muslims. work in an environment that is out of and shallow. The Higher Ups possess ly lacking in Ms. Rosenow's emotion- 2) Where has Ms. Rosenow read touch with the real world. They no substance, no integrity, or back- al excursions (Gulliver's travels fits (because she could not live through) should get rid of these beauracracies, bone. It's a damn shame!!!!!!!!!! better) in foreign policy): about civil war with only one side because they don't benefit students JUDAH 1) Who are the Bosnian people who committing terrible atrocities, and in no shape, form, or fashion. Why feature so prominently in her last other behaving as above-mentioned don't they mingle with the students To: [email protected] article? Bosnia - as Dr. Kissinger, for kittens? That surely was some of the and hear our issues. Are they too Subject: Letter to the Editor example, said many times in last few State Department's edition of bed- high on a pedestal to socialize with months - never existed as a state, time stories... [continued students? . . , I am very sorry to notice that, there is no Bosnian language (popu- on next page The Stony Brook Press page 4 ~B~i~BS~i~BR(L~r~n~;~rrrrul~ii~ht~i~cPwt~P~··n~orrs·r~~i-~-xr~ ~ ;~l C~BE~JFaG~iaZ S ;;~T~'~~~~~,I a;ir:-~.I-~-~L~sWi~uizr;m;i~ihr~il;i· Baby

By M.Chemas patient comes to, their vital signs are monitored and they are usually released Abortion is controversial. The issues that within two hours. Antibiotics are admin- regularly cloud it involve ethics, emotions istered with directions to take them four and medical questions. Due to the fact that times a day for four days (failure to fol- it is such a controversial issue it is some- low these directions accounts for more times hard to find accurate information than 50% of the statistics regarding uter- regarding the medical questions. Here are al infection). Following the abortion the some answers. patient usually experiences mild to mod- Abortion is sometimes characterized as erate abdominal cramping which almost being a dangerous procedure, but in fact it always subsides within four to six hours. is at least ten times safer than childbirth. For the twenty-four hours following the The approximate maternal mortality rate is abortion the patient may not operate any 2 per 10,000, while the patient mortality machinery or drive an automobile. For rate is 1-2 per 100,000 in abortion proce- the two weeks following the abortion the dures. There are other risks involving abor- patient must avoid sexual intercourse tion. The following is a listing of the most and swimming. There are no dietary common risks involved. All of the follow- restrictions and from a diagnostic point ing statistical data refers to abortions per- of view the patient is completely recov- formed on or before the 22nd week of ered in ten to fourteen days, and in many pregnancy, which accounts for the majority cases, seven days. Because abortion is an of abortions performed in the U.S. ethical decision besides a medical one, *Risk of excessive bleeding, which may patients' emotional responses to the pro- require additional medical attention, 1 per 100. cedure vary widely. *Incomplete abortion, which will require Approximately 50% of the pregnancies a repeat procedure, 1 per 100. of American women aged 12-21 end in *Infection of the uterus, 1 per 100. abortion. Perhaps the real focus should *Perforation of the uterus, which requires be placed on preventing these unwanted hospital admission to correct, 1 per 3,000. pregnancies in the first place. An answer *Complications that necessitate removal to the ethical debate surrounding the of the uterus, 1 per 100,000. abortion issue seems long in coming. *Sterility, 1 per 10,000. Prevention is always the most satisfying oScar tissue formation inside the uterus answer. (no statistical data available). *Ectopic pregnancy, which requires addi- Note: The author worked in the health care tional surgery, I per 1000. industryfor three years priorto transferringhere. The procedure, which is usually done under general anesthesia, takes between 3 and 15 minutes to perform. When the · g~-P- -9b ---~b I- ~ ·-~--p ------~Q--~-usls~--P ~I~-~--I II~·---·~eRn^~MIEa~·^~I--·----~LB--YY-Y------I-1-----~_--L*b~e~YYf KGB, whoever)? terrorists lack precious coin; and you that American tendency of making our- Icontinued from previous page 3)3) The bombing 6) How is it that Mr. Perry openly are doing dirty job for them just fine. selves the center of every single article. is US Government foreign affairs spe- admitted that there are lots of Iranian At present we are discussing atrocities cialty, and word-bombing Ms. and other fundamentalist mercenar- Frankly, occurring even as we write. Atrocities, Rosenow's : for some strange reason ies in so-called Bosnian army? They Milan M. Cirkovic sir, I define as the unnecessary killing, (subconscious admiration?) she is are surely great democrats and Dept. of Earth and Space Sci. torture, or suffering of ANY group of obsessed with Hitler and has to men- human-right champions. people. By mentioning Hitler so often I tion him in each her article. Now, I 7) Has Ms. Rosenow read the The Author Responds: was attempting to point out the paral- bet she does not know that it was "Islamic Declaration" of Muslim To Mr. Cirkovic, lels of the concentration camps which Hitler who perceived Serbs as his president in Bosnia, Mr. Alija Well, well, well. Here we have a love- actually exist in this civil war, and those chief opponents in South Europe, Izetbegovic? If she has, has she ly example of a completely ignorant mis- constructed by Hitler and his minions. that it was Hitler who gave to the maybe compared it with similar writ- reading put on paper. Perhaps it was a To suggest subconscious admiration Croats and Muslims their puppet ings of late Ayatollah Homeini? I willful misreading. First of all Mr. was ignorant and missing the point. I state during the WWII, and that they found no differences myself. Cirkovic, I never once claimed that one was merely pointing out that these new (to the horror of even German mili- 8) Where, the hell, was Ms. side of this civil war was, as you so mis- examples of genocide must be stopped tary) slaughtered more than a million Rosenow, when in August this takenly put, "innocent kittens". When I before our children can look back and ask Serbs in their concentration camps, year, about 200,000 of Serbian spoke of victims, it was in reference to why we didn't help these people. The which S. Wisenthal put on equal foot- refugees from Croatia were shelled those being victimized at present. I did Allies were ignorant of the concentra- ing with Aushwitz and Treblinka. and bombed in flight by cooperat- acknowledge that with civil war comes tion camps, or at the very least ignorant 4) The last article reads: "just count ing Muslim and Croat forces? crime from both sides. No, I never did of their extent. We know about the the number of wars started on the Where is she when UN admitted live through a civil war on this soil, but atrocities and are still discovering they basis of ethnic differences or hatred". terrible crimes on the part of have you? are worse than we originally feared, and Nice counting exercise - I have a sim- Croats in destroying every single I am happy to say that, and in still we are doing nothing. I was not tak- ilar one for Ms. Rosenow : please Serb house, slaughtering even the reporting on atrocities overseas, I ing sides, you foolish boob, instead I was count the number (and result) of US cattle belonging to a Serb, erasing hope not only to make people aware of reporting on where the majority of military interventions, beginning every trace that Serbs lived there World Affairs but also to make them wrongs are originatingfrom at present with slaughtering in cold blood for more than a thousand years? realize that we are in a position to and suggesting that instead of simply about 600,000 Phillipinos at the And for the end: when somebody help these people.. writing about them, perhaps we might beginning of the century. works hard and is not paid, that is I am also aware of the part the U.S. actually help stop them.. 5) How does Ms. Rosenow imagine called exploitation, isn't it? What I do Government played in slaughters all a democratic state in which a large not understand now is why are you over the world, and consider myself one Heather Rosenow part of the population is FORCED to so willingly exploited, Ms. Rosenow? of its harshest critics. But since that live in (by NATO, Muslim army, Don't tell me that Iranian ayatollahs, wasn't what my article was about, I did- Iranian mercenaries, Wehrmacht, corrupt Kuwaiti emirs, or panislamic n't focus on it. Instead I tried to escape

January 29,1996 page 5 &b"yas'.~irk ^aws· "*wir.-?' *i'r!.;'-, - a-' By Katherine Zafiris titution, but these two things are illegal in this coun- According to this chart the IUD and "The Pill" try and they are still practiced. What the insert is make the womb a hostile and inflammatory envi- Upon returning to this institution of higher learn- advocating is that a woman's right to do what she ronment for a fetus to attach itself. Furthermore, it ing, I was appalled to see on the first day of school chooses should be taken away. The insert states that goes on to state that besides this, "The Pill" also that this university's other community paper a women's right to choose is not a constitutional causes temporary sterilization and contraception added as an insert to their issue, propaganda right . If to choose is not seen as a constitutional (the thickened cervical mucus slowing the travel depicting abortion as cruel and unsafe to women. right, how far will this alliance go? Be sure that if of sperm). I'm sorry, but to me is this not the point This insert by The Human Life Alliance of women are not given the right to choose for them- of taking the pill. I really don't think women all Minnesota Education Fund Inc. creates a blatant selves what they will or will not do, what will hap- over the world are taking the pill in the hopes of disregard for women and young girls on this cam- pen to our right to vote, to make as much money as getting pregnant. pus and in the neighboring communities. To make men, or to choose our own sexual denomination? It is this absurdity and twisting of words that matters worse, it is supposed that this paper was Perhaps, since this alliance feels that a baby con- makes this insert and this alliance dangerous. paid to include this into their paper and this deci- ceived in rape or incest has the absolute right to live, Obviously, what this alliance would like is for a sion in tradition of newspapers everywhere was then they must also feel that rape or incest should be woman's right to plan and prevent her pregnancies made by an editorial vote. legal. To take away your right to choose, they are to be taken away. In that light, then all the women The problems that arises here is not that this also taking away your right to protect yourself. who fought for women's right's , as well as their alliance is stating their pro-life stance, but that they On page two, there is a beautiful picture of a right to govern their own bodies, were wrong. In are doing it in a fashion that alienates women of all mother holding her newborn child. Underneath that case, Margaret Sanger threw her life away, as ages at this university. Any young girl reading this there is a caption that says, "The special love well as the institution she founded (Planned insert may become scared of pregnancy, abortion, between a mother and a baby comes straight from Parenthood). I guess all the fighting for women's and even birth control. Also, it is not that this the heart." Sure, I believe that love exists, but what equality and the right to vote was done all in vain. alliance prints un-truths about abortion and con- about the children who are beaten and tortured by What this alliance in inferring is that the clock traception; it is that they stretch the truth to an their parents? Where is that love then? One just should be turned back. Women belong in the home, absurd level. Examples of these are printed on needs to read the daily newspapers to see how in skirts being slaves to men. Take away our right every page of this absurd insert and are made in many children are murdered by their mothers or to vote and our right to work; because if we can not religious and militant political voices. fathers on a given day. Is it fair to the child that is govern and make choices for our own bodies, when The first absurdity of this propaganda is found beaten to death by a lead pipe or tortured to death do alliances like this one end? on page two under The War of Words section. The because her mother has too many children to han- Women should be educated as to their choices in claim is that "I have the right to "choose" to abort dle? Or what about children who are given up for this world. Women no longer need to sit by and my baby- a women's right to choose!" The adoption and then are beaten to death? How soon allow alliances and the people who run them, to response to this is that "How can anyone have the we forget about the Lisa Steinberg's of world. dictate what they can and can not do. Any woman right to choose to kill another individual? The only Turn to page six and seven and there is centerfold who made the decision or was paid to put this "choice" is between "a dead baby and a live baby." of five babies, whose average age is, based on their insert in the newspaper needs to be educated. Further more, it goes on to state that, "Using the size, three months. In an outline where one baby Women must realize that their lives are fragile and same rationale, shouldn't people have the right to might lie, there is a caption that states "Twenty should choose to live it in a way that they feel is "choose" to use drugs ("It's my body") or the right Seconds Before There Was One More." Is this saying right for them. No one can poison your mind, to "choose" to practice prostitution?" that a woman or girl who decided to keep a baby for unless you allow them to. In the role of persecuting My problem with these statements is that prosti- three months decided to kill it because she now one's souls for what one feels wrong, one must also tution has been illegal for years and unless the decided she doesn't want it? This is ridicules. Why remember that their soul is also fragile. You can authors of this insert are blind to society and it's print something that is obviously wrong and illegal? enslave a body, but you can't enslave a mind. goings on; do not people choose to practice prosti- This is plain murder and is blatantly illegal and usu- tution. Isn't prostitution legal in Nevada and don't ally the mother is unstable and needs help. Again, I people choose to go to prostitutes and practice have to think about what type prostitution all over the world, legal or not. The next of person thinks up this statement I have a problem with is the drug state- advertising. ment. Drugs are legal in many countries and legal or On page nine, there is ihe 5tong ' rook Press -woul like to not people have the right to choose to use drugs. By a chart titled "The using this scenario will not persons legal or not find Abortifacient Nature of thank the t,eople wVho gave us the score a way to have abortions? Aren't back alley abortions Some Contraceptives." This a little more dangerous that smoking marijuana just chart explains the functions to the 65f4er -owl[ w"hen w7e ranbom[y once. I am not advocating the use of drugs or pros- of "The Pill" and the IUD. calleŽ their rooms. If~you wvere one of i ...... ------l^^ftt^c iir~l~iEiiT . mm~~P~ am" these people, thank 0you.

Pari~t- ','ime Mihiary Saervice with the.Ne, York ATnny Natioa' Guard can ge.you ai: . -1T- . - Join the Press and help us get a Pi... -lime SuJ er Job Par

S,(90( Montgomery, GI Bin" have to bother people while they're S.56'~~~L Ca-sli~Iarehi En i,.tmentd' 'Bo.nus + youI Ear n!/ smoking pot and watching football. N-.W York L ear While vo F.r ...... Goserve 1l0 school in the while GBri.a you•L Room 060 Student Union Wed 1 PM. CalOnn sir 24 Care Ilrs hiOiCenter SaI Or call 63Z-651, and ask for

• ,. ,:- O•,,R :: - .. ,. ,. :: ,'. i,., , ., Larry Brown Brook aton.he age 6 -Pres i i . iMuni _ The Stony Brook Press page 6 Clinton Prevails Despite Opposition

By Boyd C McCamish hotter in the kitchen look for Dole to have trouble nation is in its enfancy most of the money is going remembering his middle name. into the hands of corruption and major industry. It The recent State of the Union address given by the There is however one final javelin for the repub- is reported that life for the average mexican is as bad president was seen overall as a great accomplish- licans to throw at the mighty clintonbeast. The economically today then its been in a long time. ment for the White House. Even his harshist critics irony is that the policy that has gone sour was a More homes and vechicles were repossessed last commended him on the preformance as a republican invention and one that Clinton grabbed year then any other. Street violance in Mexico City strong,unifying message for the future of the a hold of firmly in '92,it is the North American Free hasn't been this bad since the revoultion of 1910. nation. The President uniformly outlined his agen- On the date of this publication the Mexican gov- da for the upcoming election and indeed if the look erment will be paying back the US $1.3 billion it on House Speaker Gingrichs face was any indica- borrowed last year to avoid govermental collaspe. tion his next term. The President was able to get a It still owes $10.5 billion and another $11 billion to tighter grip on his own issues which he has rallied the international Monetary Fund. In the wake of all around since '92,like education and the enviro- this bad economic news for Mexico why would ment. He also grabbed middle of the road items they pay back part of an already overdue loan? and rubbed them in the face of the republicans. Woudn't it be better for the US to allow Mexico to Foreign Policy and the family have always been keep the money in its coffers for continued eco- the Republicans forte,Clinton made them his. nomic development and security? Probably, but The president issued his "Challenges to America" Clinton has insisted on the money so that the issue in a seven part model. The themes wouldn't come back to haunt him in an election were:family,education,economic security,crime,the year. It was Senator Dole who said last year at the enviroment,foreign policy and reinventing the time of the bailout package "Why do the American goverment. He wasn't afraid to tell the republican people have to pay for the mistakes of the boys on majority Congress what had been done wrong and wallstreet?" Good question. Of course we know many in the group looked downright embarressed. why. This is the way its done in world politics but It appears with the birth of Steven Forbes and the if Dole whats to make Clinton look bad he should so far unsuccessful melodrama we know as point to NAFTA as a failure. The picture doesn't "whitewater" the republican revoulution may be get much better when you look north either. winding down. Americans seem fed up with the Canada is our largest trading partner,we have had republican majority that has been unwilling to so a trade surplus with them for a long time,that is much as acknowledge that there is any other party until Nafta our deficit with them is now twelve bil- in the Congress. lion a year. Steven Forbes might provide the best oppurtuni- Trade Agreement (NAFTA). This was the item that Most of the massive deficits between Canada and ty to squash the republican bid for President. If he Ross Perot rallied around in '92,remember "the Mexico are caused by uncharistically weak curren- splits the vote with Dole or gets forty percent giant sucking sound" of american jobs going cy values,a point that Dole shouldn't bother mak- through the primaries Dole will be finished,I get south? Well the jobs haven't really gone but the ing. Its time for the republicans to sell everything the feeling Dole wanted to run in the beginning capital sure has. American companies have inject- including the kitchen sink, they better hope because he thought he would be the odds on ed more capital into Mexico now then ever Clinton didn't hide the tool box. favorite with virtually no competition,if it gets any before,and as is normally true when a developing

By Liv Bacerra are the consumers of services and materials. The I middle class crunch causes the demand to fall in "When In light of recent events such as the government short supply for most businesses. A recent eco- shutdown, downsizing businesses and higher nomic poll conducted by US News has shown that education budget cuts, the existence of America's people think we are in a stalemate if not in a middle class is fast spiraling to its end. Whatever depression. Productivity has increased through happened to the promises in Clinton's campaign the years but wages and salaries are dropping. The in '92? It is forgotten like a bag of geeky old rich give themselves tax shelters and loopholes all clothes sitting in a dusty attic. As usual, we all fall the time. Company CEO's give themselves enor- for the pernicious politician prattling promises mous compensations every year which in turn, your the way a car salesman seduces a customer into a increasingly widen the gap between the employer plush interior of a new Lexus for a short test and the employee. According to the US News drive. We, as voters, deserve a modicum of digni- polls, when asked who has gained the most eco- ty. Just because four years has passed does not nomically in the last five years, 76% of the regis- mean all is forgotten. If that same preening politi- tered voters perceive that it is upper class, 6% op nion, cian would have a government that refuses to believe it is the middle and lower classes, and 2% govern, then that should arm our senses for the believe the worker class has most benefitted. The next assault of lies that will be graciously given most important issues concerning the polls' par- out at the closing of this year. Promises are not the ticipants are a middle class tax cut and the 111 give it end nor the beginning of the barrage of offenses strengthening of the economy. to which the government subjects the middle To all of the candidates for the coming election: class. To be sure, the budget in this state of New it is still the economy that matters. The issue of York severely needs a fix of some sort but a severe income inequality should be central to the nation- cut to education is a full frontal assault on the al agenda in this coming election year. This issue to you." middle class. The middle class family is almost will not go away anytime soon. The middle class always "too rich" to apply for aid and "too poor" family deserves a share in the rewards of our to pay for tuition. Either way, the middle class economy. Hopefully this time, voters will be clos- family has to pay for most if not all of their child's er to choosing the better of two evils. If choosing higher education. The lower income families will Clinton was a choice between the devil and the movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn still get the aid and the rich basically have no deep blue sea, then we all better take a huge deep need for financial aid. breath. The middle class is an important stratum of the myriad layers of economic strata in the US. They pb-a---~--~os~--~ -~-~-~--_----·r~ I --- srC lllk9P·18~ January 29, 1996 page 7 L-, ~ - C- s~-~a*rrqS .I~ea ~BBil* I~P~ a _-o^_____l--_lrr__------· --~IPII~---~-S~B ~ii·eAI~B~Lb--~C~ - I---- ~-a~J~

By Andy Preston DCM digital lines. Therefore, they're pulling the lines out of other people's rooms to install them You just gotta love the bureaucracy around this into new people's rcoms. place. The university is a mess, with people being This wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't an misdirected, others paying for services not rendered installation fee. Of course, in this day and age, and even more people paying for worse things. everything has a price and installing a DCM costs The first thing I'm not especially happy about is about $30 in addition to the normal service fee. the fact that NO student received a class schedule So, say in my room, one of the suitemates had a before the first day of school. Absolutely no stu- DCM installed last semester. So, he paid $30 to get dent knew before the first day of classes which his DCM installed. Now, let's say he doesn't want class they had or where they had to be on Monday. to pay for the service this semester, but he might I was waiting expectantly for my schedule to reconsider next fall. Well, the people from ECC come in the mail so I could be ready for my first might come to his room and "de-install" the DCM day of classes. I was all ready to wake up at 8 am hardware from him so they can put the DCM in my Monday morning, go to classes, and get the semes- room. ter off to a good start. Therefore, my suitemate paid $30 for his "one- Too bad the schedule never showed up. I waited time" installation but might need to pay again in until the day I had to get on a bus to get back here the fall to get the service. and still, no schedule. Is this fair? No. However, I received three bills from ACC, a bill Stupid thing #3: Professor Hanson from the from the school, and a few miscellaneous paper- chemistry department took it upon himself to work-type things from the library. So, the universi- author a new book for CHE 131/132. Specifically, ty can afford to bill the students a million times, but he combined a large amount of previously photo- they can't afford to send what I feel is mandatory copied worksheets into a book which each student information to the students who support the uni- is forced to buy new from the University versity through tuition? Uh huh... Right. Bookstore. Each semester, each student needs to Another thing I'm really angry about is trying to pull parts of the book apart for the recitations in get myself a DCM. I sent in my $60 in December to CHE 131/132. Thus, used books are useless and make sure I would be able to use my DCM as soon most likely wouldn't be bought back. as I came back to school. But things don't always Why are students forced to buy another high go according to plan. priced book for the class? So Professor Hanson can When I came back on campus, I found that I did become rich and famous? I'd like to think that this have phonemail, which I ordered at the same time, isn't the case, but I see no reason for the photo- but no DCM. copied sheets to be combined into a book that must I went to talk to the people at Educational be purchased for $25. Communication Center (EEC) about my DCM. I You gotta love the bureaucracy inherent in the asked if they received my payment. They had said university. that they did. They also said that they ran out of the materials they need to convert normal lines to

·I - ·----· --~I - ~--- aarr~--n ane~sras~--a~ lPC. --~ ------~ _ I-~aara~ma-a -----.--~-~I~---~------osa ~ :ontinued frompage 2 Belt state with an active turnover on death row and substandard education Maybe chain gangs and the KKK carrying shot- FUNDAMENTALLY OUT OFIT guns in public are on the way. By Robert Parker indeterminable". Basically that means that words Speaking of executions, last November Nigerian are only an inference of communication between playwright Ken Saro-Wiwa and eight other envi- In the past, man had few scientific instruments humans. Language does not exist in a vacuum. ronmental activists were hung by "their" govern- on which he could answer the "whys" of the uni- When words are spoken and words are written, it ment on trumped-up murder charges. Saro-Wiwa verse such as the stars, ocean waves, flat earth, is impossible to grasp a good meaning of those and Co. were active in trying to stop the devasta- gravity, disease, lightning, rain and clouds, and words without, intent of the framer, emotion of the tion of their native Ogoniland region by Shell Oil, many more thousands of post phenomena. That's author, understanding of the culture at that time, an Exxon-like petrogiant that was forced by a why he devised religion. There is no question that and so many other factors. How can someone who Greenpeace boycott and protests just last summer religion, which is obviously segregated through- is not a scholar in medieval culture fully under- to scrap a plan to sink one of its unused oil plat- out the world "culturally", provided the answers stand text written in that era just look at the bible forms in the North Atlantic off Scotland's Outer in an appropriate fashion. An omnipresent force of and the people who "interpret" it. More realistical- Hebrides. Human rights organizations are calling one or many central factions made and controlled ly, how can people change their entire life to follow for a renewed boycott of Shell and sanctions on everything that occurred that couldn't be something they do not comprehend fully. In Nigeria's military government. explained. Just imagine in those times trying to today's world if you want to be a doctor, you start If Saro-Wiwa, the Zapatistas and antiwar protest- understand the causes of rain. Today we know that at kindergarden and work your way through col- ers in Yugoslavia have the courage to speak and act rain is the result of excessive amounts of water lege and med school. Then you go through an under repressive dictatorial rulers, if Jennifer droplets which combine together and due to their internship program. In most religions it is the other Harbury presses on despite attempts on her life, mass fall to the earth. Curiously enough, no reli- way around. First you accept what you are told how can we not speak and act under our relatively gion or someone representing his religion has pro- "intravenously" and then you set out to try and more democratic systems? It can be as easy as a let- vided scientific information-in the matter that a learn it academically. Of course at that point you ter or phone call to your local representative or as true scientist does. In this age and time! are already well nourished with the scheme and difficult as enduring the sneers and jeers of friends, It is impossible to ignore the world around us everything that you read is through your religious family or strangers as you argue your point of and simply rely on divine intervention to accom- eyes.the stigma of brainwash. Make no mistake, view, debunk the party line du jour or even (scary, plish contemporary needs. To expand on that point there is such a concept. Mind you, not one of these scary) participate in a public action! There are can take an entire research effort and would not be religion stand out enough to make the intellectual unbought third parties in formation now so we can a difficult endeavor. say "you know there is something there". take our country back. No savior is just going to The mind is a powerful and impressionable The world however goes on and the principles of descend from the heavens and make things right, organ. There are so many examples of people on these U.S. which allow me to criticize the religious although in another molecule of good tidings this planet who have the incredible ability to not right as well as the aftmentioned's right to free Ralph Nader has been drafted by California's only believe what they believe with powerful con- speech is awesome. I believe that there will come Green Party to run in their primary. If we don't do viction, but are also unwithering advocates of forth in the future more debate on this subject. it, it won't get done. Gandhi said, "What you do what they believe. That is done through the power Especially as we move into the 21st century where may seem insignificant, but most important that of words and their never ending interpretation. A the technology will be terrific. you do it." Let that be the mantra for 1996. professor once stated to me " words are inherently The Stony Brook Press page 8 BRIDqCT Goes SURFING

By Tom Culhane hobnobbing with the High Kings to bring the Irish lore has it that on cold winter nights, Bridget whole island under the sway of Rome (which later wanders the earth garbed as a kind of medieval Are you looking for a way to celebrate your gave English kings the go-ahead to stick their bag lady tq see how various people are treating the Irish heritage but turned off by the festival of mil- noses in), she was ministering to the needs of the dispossessed and powerless. She bestows bless- itarism, homophobia and green urine-sample poor and redistributing wealth. She usually ings on those who are kind to those who can't beer that St. Patrick's Day has become? Do you accomplished this last by supernaturally tricking reward them. In these days of the "war on the grow bilious at the thought of John Wayne in that the wealthy out of their land with her magical poor," the Yuletide lesson of Dickens "Christmas stupid movie? Do you believe there's a special expanding cloak. She'd ask for as much land as it Carol" needs another legend to extend it. place in hell for know-nothing frat boys and off- could cover and you know the rest. Brid was the goddess that ruled over the noble duty fire-fighters who spend the day jabbering arts of brewing and distilling. One poem attrib- away in fake leprechaun brogue, indulging in uted to St. Bridget expresses her wish to have nazistic masturbatory Conan-the-Barbarian fan- Christ and all the saints in her house drinking and tasies about a Gaelic "warrior race" and cap it a huge lake of beer to last them for eternity. It's all off by starting a brawl or slobberingly enough to get you back on religion. singing along as "Danny Boy" plays for the But Bridget didn't become the patron saint 3,871st time? Or both? because she lacked the one necessary qualification Do you want to build a serious bonfire of all for leadership in the Catholic Church: a penis. those inane little green plastic derbies and any- That's right, the Cardinal O'Connors of the thing which bears that insulting Notre Dame early middle ages were not great admirers of logo? Sorry to disappoint you, but that "Fighting women or their spirituality, an antipathy which Irish" thing is a remnant of the 19th century, when took its most virulent shape in the "witch" per- the Irish were looked upon as violent, apelike secutions of later centuries, yet continues today savages. in the patriarchal and puritanical views of much If so, I respectfully propose an alternative Irish of the official Church. Pride Day: February 1st, St. Bridget's Day. So, instead of the Ancient Order of Hibernation,, For starters, it's a much more ancient and I recommend we let ILGO, the Irish Lesbian and authentically Celtic holiday. It used to be called Gay Organization, be in charge of this one. Just Imboic and it was the festival of the goddess Brid. think-it could celebrate actual Irish literature Brid presided over inspiration of all kinds and all and culture and Irish-Americans could get down the skills of artistry and intelligence. It's long past with the fact that we're the descendants of an time we went back to the image of Ireland as a oppressed, Third World people, not a nation of land of saints and scholars, the only light of learn- low-level enforcers, as we've often been used. ing in Dark Ages Europe besides Muslim Spain. And we can show solidarity with other oppressed Brid was also the goddess of fire. It was folks here at home and support anti-imperialist believed that she lit the fires of growth in the movements abroad. earth to bring spring. If it all comes off, maybe some day we could With the coming of Christianity, the goddess Brid One time a chieftain wanted her to "zap" his even reclaim March 17th from those who'd prefer became associated with St. Bridget, the abbess of sword so he's be invulnerable. She did, but also Bing Crosby, plastic shamrocks and signs that say Kildare and contemporary of St. Patrick. fixed it so that he wouldn't be able to hurt any- "God Hates Queers." I think the wrong one was chosen as national one with it either. I don't know if the peace saint. First, Patrick wasn't really Irish. Second, movement has a patron saint, but until they can- Eireann go brach. Bridget was a much better exemplar of Christian onize the Berrigans or Dorothy Day, it should virtue. While Patrick was burning Druids and definitely be Bridget.

By Christopher L. Chamberlin look around. Especially towards the back of the room. Do you see the douche bag with the expen- Are you pissed off? If you're not you should be. sive coat and the fifty dollar haircut, jingling the As I look around this university I realize the real keys to his BMW? The guy who never comes to problem is that no one is pissed off. I'm not talking class, hands all his shit in late, and is still getting about "cursing to yourself while you wait in a long C's. Well this asshole is going to be your boss line" pissed off. I'm talking about the "climb to top someday. of the library with a good rifle and a high powered Next, Get in your car around five o'clock. Now, try scope" kind of pissed off. Remember this is 1996 and get somewhere. You will quickly find that you and when muzzle velocity speaks, people listen. are fucked. In traffic does get moving I guarantee at I've gone to the trouble of composing a short list least one 17 year old in an expensive car will do of some things you should be pissed off about. something to bur your ass while your trying to get First, you're at Stony Brook. If you are under 21 your shitbox to move. If you should accidentally and without access to fake I.D. this means many drive your 1982 Oldsmobile into his 95 Mustang long nights spent in your dorm room playing quar- over and over and over again, I understand. ters taking bong hits, and masturbating. At first If none of these things makes you feel like a this doesn't seem so bad. But, wait until February quick stop at the gunshop, I've also compiled a rolls around. If the cold and constant darkness quick reference list that you can consult before causes you to beat one of the idiots you're playing taking any handgun purchase. This list is guaran- quarters with to death, I'll understand. teed to piss you off: If your over 21, you've already discovered that Hootie and the Blowfish, English 380, you will there are very few places to go in this town. If your not find a job after you graduate, graduate school, black, gay, Chinese, Japanese, female, or anything the 7-11 parking lot, Bosnia, The Park Bench, AIDS, but a white male with money, you know that there your ex-girlfriend, your ex-boyfriend,- LILCO, are almost no places you can go without some financial aid, China, child molesters, wife beaters, Long Island red-neck saying something to ruin LIRR, skinheads, deadheads, Sadaam Hussein, Bill your evening. If you enjoy hanging out in places Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, pimples, like the Park Bench, you deserve a really nasty uri- parking meters, 25A, 347, warm beer and WBAB. nary tract infection. That ought to piss you off. Here's to good marksmanship! While you're in class I want you to take a good --- I ------L-- January 29, 1996 page 9 B l~ a ar sR~w~ B·Comm~

~iiiix::: i:: I:i ...... :ir: b ...... ?i~ ~f: ij ...... :: siiI~i·· iiX

--~------~------I------I - -- -·--- -- Ufei (DM96 MEOW SqCpemN694 mr*I

------

------I -- - - -

JEL WON THEBID TO j THEYDON'T bUY A REBUILD OUR NATION'S 0 SUALLY THOUSAND AIR TRAFFtC CONTROL I \ P GET THAT j SHARESOF SYSTEMS. I EXCITED. "LUEHOUND Qt3 \ uTOpoEM GUS LLNES"

1r~ i 4_»

I HIRED THE "DOGbERT ANO 'OU ALL HAVE Cad0 CONSULrING COMPANY" BAD ATTITUDES FOR THEALL GOEANDRCUND (I) TO LEAD THE PROJECT SAPPARENTREA5N INTRODUCEOURSELVES? BECAUSENONE OF YOU THAT'S NO GAY TO BE >^ IS BRIGHT ENOUGH. 1 A LEADER. I DONT GErCHlYrAY WLTH THE ) LOCALS.

^b~ WALLYGRITES THE K SOUDENLYTHE GIFTED SO YOUUSED CRITICAL CODEFOR SPROGRAMMER. EMPLOYS CODEFROM THE © OUR NATION 5 NE A RARELYSFEN \ PAYROLLI RES AIR TRAFFLCCONTROL STRATEGYOF 'CODE EA SYSTEM? a<- DONNT FLY SYSTEM. REUSE. THE CR ON PAYDAY ^ ~ )P S'THE CROLKI GOES LLD i ONAYFt AY O 15ISILENT.

CI V) ae1Bro The rsStn

The Stony Brook Press page 10 P94~·~·-~·~L~--~lg~AW1~PI~ -49ý.Ah, Normdaýý Uff mum Why h 9S By Joel Achenbach and basically lose faith in everything. The Mailbag: So we just confidently make something up, with We asked readers to send in last-minute ques- Special Secret Instructions: How to Sound Smart an emphasis on speed rather than content. You see, tions, and what has struck us is that many people, people judge intelligence by response time more given a final shot to have a single question This is the penultimate Why column, and is prob- than by what you actually say. answered, didn't ask anything cosmic. Human ably the right time to let our readers in on the care- Standing tall, with feet firmly planted, also helps. beings don't actually wander around wondering fully guarded secret of how to sound smart and Speaking authoritatively is as much a physical act why the universe exists; rather they wonder about informed even when vour brain is a sack of mush. as it is intellectual. You should practice one specific little thing. Nothing is so trivial that it Ideally you should actually be smart ont of a mirror, with special cannot grow into a tormenting mystery. informed, but it's getting harder and harder concentration on what you do For example, we got this question from Carma T., pull that off, what with all the distractions c with your shoulders. of Pleasanton, Calif.: modern life. Who has time to really follow the If possible, insert a number "Our family has been arguing (off and on for subtleties of what's going on in Bosnia- in your answer, or make a more than 20 years) about something I've never Herzagooberna? word into a compound been able to look up or resolve. We even have a bet A critical thing to remember when you want noun-don't say "Argon" or riding on it. Please, please tell me: In the TV series to sound smart is that you shouldn't use words "Xenon" when you can say 'High Chaparral,' what color was Uncle Buck's like "penultimate," because although initially "Argon 231" or "Xenon hair? The actor I had seen in many movies (I think such a word has the twang of intelligence it also Silicate." You might want to his name was Cameron Mitchell), but I had never may create among listeners the sneaking suspi- develop an arsenal of words seen him blond in anything but this series." cion that you are just trYinq to sound smart. You that can be plugged into any Dear Carma: We always confu ed "High don't want them to think that, especially whe answer-"isotope," for exam- Chaparral" with "The Big Valley" and assumed you are, in fact, trying to sound smart. ple, and "pineal gland." both were knockoffs of "Bonanza." Lots of guys on Big words can backfire. Just say "next-to-lasl While concocting an answer horses in them parts. If you are stuck in an intense conversational clus- you can always buy a few seconds by We learned that Cameron Mitchell passed away ter and find yourself mentally grabbing at air- blurting out, "Actually, there's some new research in July 1994 at the age of 75. So we tracked down your hrain finding no purchase whatsoever on the on that," and mumbling something about NIH or his son, Charles "Chip" Mitchell, in Los Angeles. topic-just ask a bunch of questions. In a social set- Rockefeller University before finally explaining that The younger Mitchell enlightened us about the ting, a question is as good as a declarative state- sleepy sand, the stuff in your eyes in the morning, is show: It was the most expensive Western series ment. People have no idea that you are experienc- an isotope of carbon secreted by the pineal gland. ever shot up to that time, was filmed on location in ing a mental whiteout. The nightmare scenario is that someone present Old Tucson, ran from 1965 to 1971 on NBC and Now here's the most important trick the Why will usually know the correct answer and will was the first Western to treat Mexican-Americans staff has mastered over the years: When asked a point out that you have invented a preposterous and Indians with dignity, he said. direct question, do not pause but rather immedi- lie. It is critical that you do not back down. You As for the hair-color issue: He said his father in real ately give an answer, even when you don't know should merely thank the interloper for the elegant life had dark brown hair, but for the show it was what you're talking about. People who encounter summation of the scientific orthodoxy that reigned dyed blond. This may have been because Uncle the Why staff in person always pepper us with for many decades and might yet survive this new Buck's nephew, Blue Boy, also had hlonde hair. questions, expecting us to disgorge volumes of rash of research to which by odd chance you have Now, Carma, you and your family will have information. These situations have the potential to been made privy. to find something else to argue about for the be embarrassing, since the Why staff invariably As a final emergency escape measure, you can next 20 years. knows less about the subject than does the person sigh and say, "This is a matter about which, I'm

January 29, 1996 page 11 --- ~-- I- -- L--~---Sp-~l. 9~ ~CL41 --~~- -- ·- -- -Y-. ~C~C--~-·CLBa----- ~lbdr~ --- ~L -~IU L- IIPC-~s~b4RPI I -II I -b A q / tro duc tion to Bodyr t I By Benjamin Elijah Griffin because its survival skills are so poor outside of the body, but hepatitis and other lesser pathogens are def- Bodyart is any permanent or semipermanent modifi- inite risks. cation done to the body for aesthetic purposes. Some Every tattoo artist or piercer should use either fresh examples include tattooing, piercing, branding, scarifi- needles with every customer or else sterilize the equip- cation, cosmetic surgery, body building, hair dying, &c. ment with an autoclave between uses. Since the needles Some people also include temporary tooth caps, col- dull fast and dull needles cause more pain, fresh is ored or patterned contact lenses, body painting, and preferable. Besides needles are relatively cheap. The area skin dying. of the modification should always be sterilized as well. Many of these modifications are painful. Some people Tattoo artists should use inks from a small disposable get them because of the pain (tattoos are especially com- reservoir so as to avoid contamination of the supply. The mon in this category) others get them in spite of the pain. irons for branding are heated hot enough that steriliza- As subjective as pain is, it is unlikely two people will find tion is not a big concern. Blades for cuttings/scarifica- the same things of equal discomfort. tion should again be sterile and ideally fresh. Short sessions of tattooing, those less than an hour There are several other concerns for piercings. The or two, are particularly notorious for falling into the guns mall piercers use cannot be sterilized and are "your mileage may vary" category. On fleshy parts of designed for jewelry unsuitable for most piercings. the body some people experience no pain but few find Never let anyone use a gun to give you a non-ear pierce. it very painful. Bony parts of the body tend to hurt Nose pierces are sometimes successful with a gun, but it more, but again, there are a few who are not discom- is asking for trouble. Jewelry for any piercing other than forted. Long tattoo sessions, those four hours or more, the earlobe should be surgical steel, gold, niobium or are more likely to cause at least dull aching in the area inert plastic. Other materials (qspecially silver) will tar- being wrought. Here the style of tattooing is likely to nish, corrode or otherwise react with your body fluids. have an influence on the pain: fine line, shading and Very few piercers are skilled enough to consistently do black work all feel different. good freehand work, so make sure your piercer is so Piercings also produce a large variety of pain skilled or else make sure s/he uses a (sterile) clamp. responses. The nipple is one of the most painful com- Another thing to check prior to any body mod is the mon pierces, but some people don't even feel the nee- previous work of the artist. Best is to meet with people dle touch the skin. The earlobe is one of the least who have some of his or her work, but looking at port- painful piercing locations, yet it can feel a very sharp folio is fine (note that not all piercers have one). Ideally bite to some. The point I am bringing up here is that the work should be well healed at the time of the pic- you should not bring too many preconceived notions ture as tattoos and piercings tend to "settle in" during of pain into bodyart but you should know it is a part of the first few weeks. On brandings and cuttings the after the experience. healing time frame is vital to understand how the Before having someone give you any piece of bodyart artist's work looks. Lastly the work should suit your you should make sure they are proficient and work tastes because why should you commission work from with sterile equipment. AIDS is not a big concern here somebody whose style you do not appreciate?

Suden~i and faculty are invited to submit of cuýy for oo to the riak of no ,iAtior of facaty member torbe cons. r'd SDiatIguished Teaching Professor for pri)-ton o the rank of Swy fBrook's S ction Comrni te "eqe that Dtfthgiheged Service Pofessor cadidaesm for this honor be ecipien.~s of the No:.in.s .musthave achieved a distinguished Presidenj.,ChanceIots Awaid for Excdiince. .^Teachi'g ; repumtion .forservice no ornly ro Stony B fk but also d' hbe invYlv. i devepnl- a~ pr....otig e•.lce, t~eyod the campus to SONY, the comm.unity, the State of New York or te nation through su-stainrd nadoial or r-gional kvel. S ccessfful nor..s'• s wijl a-s effort in the applicario;• of inellectuai ski~is have a cord theof exTensivetradiionl" interaerionr ,laysAom with smn(derntsm beyondRtting. .oisucr, of public concen~ . Nssn;;.iatio.s ";Atbe s bmited to the Selecion Committeec If you think a t•acher ,meritssuich i pro;.otion, pei-"e fill o~t this forrm a,nd id i. to :,casmpus ad-.es. indicated, no later than Friday, Fibruary 16, 1996 and should co1sist of Noinations must be received Ly aone-page lcuer supp..ting the nomirstion, an jp-to-date a.n deraied vi etters o:f uppor•from individuals wi thi FebAury 16, 1996 mhe University and outside ihe Urni versivy and the namues and ?Nam of Teacher ______,,,.- ddrese if other individu: who would be able to supply · ~~~ dcktional inform.ion i-b•o- the _oin-e's quali.Sca.ions, ;major aci.eve•enr~ and cotrution: that deserve recognition. Yod Nme SM 3 _Plese ____ Piea:e send the nomination: to: 0701 Selection C.ommitte Distinguished Service Pifessorship Please oendthe nornaiion fom.,to: 970J Adimrinittra ion Building, Roomn 310 Selectin Cmitte, Distug,.shed 'ivechmtg Protssorships Adsrr.anistanio Bilding, Ro:m 310

- ---·---- a------rrc~c~ ~,------~n-~nsqp~ -s~ ~--' ---- I--- --~,--ah,-P--raaa4s~c------e----~ ~,~- ~P~CSp, -B~L·-r~s~---~C--F------~111 The Stony Brook Press page 12 I~S~B~AI~C~mPBB~IB~W~l~m~E~li~slCI~B1WPZ new Yar'S ITH a OUPLe OF alanTS

By Haniel C Shen I have to admit, I really didn't like them either. "Particle Man" were played, much to the audi- After leaving stage, those people who come up and ence's delight, and reaction was intense. I was not After enduring the unique stench of the 7 train, test instruments and speakers for an hour for no physically able to maintain a setlist, but other and meeting up with a few friends, I arrived at my apparent reason other than to annoy the shit out of songs I know were played included "Dirt Bike," destination. For weeks I had been looking forward us took the stage, and the crowd got a little restless. which I think is a horrible song to play live, to seeing They Might Be Giants in concert, and this I don't remember how long it took for They to come "Santa's Beard," "Ana Ng," "Why Does the Sun New Years' Eve, I was finally going to get what I out on stage, but when They did, the audience went Shine?," "She Was a Hotel Detective," "Birdhouse deserved. The Giants played a small venue on wild. I should note that this show was an all-ages In Your Soul," and "The Guitar." I don't remem- December 31st, a little club/cajun restaurant called show. I could not attend the 10 pm show because ber which song it was, but during one of them, Tramp's. I had no trouble finding it, since it's just a I'm not yet 21. Anyway, there was a wide spectrum Flan did this really cool guitar thinr where he block or so away from the Limelight. I had never of ages represented in the crowd. Some kid who played with one hand. That's one hand to hold been to one of Their shows, and so I admit I was could not have been more than 10 years old was sit- AND play the guitar. After everything else, They kind of worried that the show wouldn't sell out, ting on a table beside me, and seemed to be loving played "Stomp Box" which has got to be one of seeing as how I had bought my tickets a few days every minute of it, as was a strange man aged about the BEST Giants songs for dancing in the pit. before, and they were numbered 141 through 147. 35, who seemed to be high and was doing an "inter- During the song I was magically transported from However, as I approached the club at about 6:30, I pretive dance" to my right. This wide variance of the back of the crowd to the front, just 6 feet away could see clearly that the show did sell out, and ages was what made me very surprised to see the from the Johns. Crowd surfing ran rampant dur- that much fun was awaiting me inside. crowd in front of me get so violent. You would ing the whole show, despite the hilarious Once inside, I was greeted by the sight of what think that people would have the decency to sim- attempts by security to grab surfers. At one point, may possibly be the largest group of white Long ply enjoy themselves, especially when such young someone was actually holding onto one of the Island teens I had ever seen (apart from SUNY, of fans were present, but I saw at least three fights in pipes on the ceiling of Tramp's. course), all carrying what appeared to be bookbags front of me, all of which were unnecessarily pro- After "Stomp Box," the Johns left stage, much to with books in them. I too had brought my trusty voked by some asshole crowd-pusher. the crowd's dismay. I wasn't satisfied yet, and the bag, but mine lacked the distinctive shape of text- The Giants opened with "Spider," which rocked. rest of the crowd clearly wasn't either, so we all books within. I could not for the life of me figure Flans and Linnel were joined by a horn section, started chanting "They Might Be Giants" in the out why they had felt it necessary to bring books, and a new bass guitarist, who was the guy who style of the track from "Flood." After incessant but in the end I realized that they were quite effec- plays the bass guitar in "Seinfeld" (you know, that demanding, the Johns retook the stage and played tive for moshing. There was also a small circle of distinct Seinfeld-esque series of notes). I forgot his a three or four song encore. After that, they called kids who paid $15.00 plus whatever possible ser- name, but he seemed to really enjoy playing with it quits, and the house lights came up. vice charges to sit on the floor and talk all night. the Giants, and he interacted with Flans very well. Exiting the club, we were faced with a long line The reason for this phenomenon escaped me. Not to mention he was great at the bass guitar. for the 10pm show. I wiped the sweat from my After waiting till 7:45, the Martinis took the stage Other notable songs included "No One Knows brow, rejoined my friends, and left, totally content and began a small set, of about 8-10 songs or so. My Plan" which Flans introduced by saying, with the show. It was definitely a show to remem- There were scattered Martinis fans in the crowd, "Welcome to the conga-line portion of the show!," ber. During the course of the evening, Flans but for the most part, they were not enjoyed "Spy" which was ended with a 5-10 minute ran- announced that They would be playing small immensely, and as a result, when the lead singer dom instrumentation very much like the version venues every Thursday in March, right here in announced that the next song was to be their last, which appears on "John Henry," but obviously New York City. If you love They Might Be Giants, she was answered with a round of applause and rewritten to be longer and more suitable for stage or even if you've never heard of them, go see them. cheers. This I thought was pretty fucking rude, but performance. The essential "Istanbul" and You won't be dissatisfied.

As part of 'resident Kenny's c mmimen. to-improving studeut classrorm experience a..d u•rtherg diverviy at Stony Book. the President's•Wrt~yZ~''lrg Ofice is pleased to aauounce the creationt_,t..t of nominatiorsi or ful time sidts,or fuli time employees two felw Peidetial Mini-Grrnt prograts. to be consred for the Thesei gant programs f.. on improving teaching and learI;?g Pre.sident's Award for at he Univers;ity by providing frnding and rognithio E.3celence ti Equal OpportuitUy/Alfrmative Action to-Ohose depairt.ents and individuals who undenrake projects dedignred to advance these aspect, of the Univetty' m""sion. Nomi~rses mustIL be ir~vvijdrl•= " whoOr hrve marle" outstandAing con.ributions ro the advanemeo.. f equal opportunity and innovative Tialhing Projects MiniGrant are designed to foster .afi.~, i.•.e ac n a.-,tStony B,.ok,by enu1hcig excellence i,the clsroom by a'ford'ing lunimds o facuy uemmbers the Universiy's ;biJi~y o respond to tve needs of all it. consituents. for a wide vwitv of ismvaiv clasmn,projects, pedagogic3' experiments, or development of new curr icar materials Nomiratios: rm s~t be suhrnfued to the Sciection Comrnmittee

Departmental Diviesity initiatives Mini-Grants are deigned to ,i one page lelter sspporting the no•inatiso, facilitate the rnevluition aind retructuring of a depattment's aa up-to-date and detailed vita, n

se;r th u nton o .Seirtion Comnmi ttee andor departr.enr chairs should contact Excelence in Affirmative Action Pri;cia Smi: min the Presk ' Office at 632-6272. q -9' JLPIt Ads(nis~atiou•o(e~7tcV Building, R m 31 Z 0701I

I~i~aa~·s--~r~··e~·~ls~s-~.h--~·~. -C_- -~L·O~CC--~I_--~L __-~y ~- January 29, 1996 page 13 o me.Pack rshw By David M. Ewalt To the surprise of all involved, Kotter changed mentor, Arnold returns to high school to help yet the students for the better, helping them to learn another generation of young men find themselves. "...Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket and to improve themselves. Four sweathogs in Think about it... it's the perfect sit-com! out. Welcome back, to that same old place that particular benefitted from this remarkable teacher: There's a lot of seventies nostalgia floating you'd laughed about. But the names have all Vinnie Barbarino, Juan Epstein, Freddy "Boom- around right now, and with Nick at Night show- changed since you hung around, but those dreams Boom" Washington, and Arnold Horshak. Of the ing "Welcome Back, Kotter" two or three times a that we made have been turned around. Who'd of four, Horshak was the most touched by the munif- night, the American television viewing audience thought they'd lead ya back here where we need icent hand of Kotter. A small lad, Arnold gained is primed and ready for this modern incarnation ya? Well, we teased him a lot but we've got him on much needed confidence under the tutelage of the of the Kotter story. the spot, welcome back, welcome back, welcome K, and grew considerably as a person. A smart network could really make this show back, welcome back..." Stop and consider for a moment the world we are work. What if the first episode featured a brief living in; rife with violence, inner-city decay, and reunion of the Sweathogs? You may recall that The seventies was in many ways one of the more moral turpitude. Ours is a world that cries out for John Travolta played Vinnie Barbarino... his cur- repulsive decades of the twentieth century, what help, for healing... for men like Gabe Kotter. rent popularity would assure the premeire a with Watergate, bell-bottoms and the Bee-Gees. With an eye towards providing just that sort of huge rating! Furthermore, I happen to know Nature, however, is a series of checks and balances. role model, I am happy to suggest a new televi- that Ron Palillo, who played Horshak, hasn't Just as evil forces (like Danny Bonaduce) emerged sion show... a continuation of the "Welcome Back, got anything better to do; aside from a recent from the decade of polyester, so did some good Kotter" saga. guest-starring role on Ellen, he hasn't been on things. The ying to platform shoes' yang is a little The year is 1996. The city of Brooklyn is not with- TV at all recently. sitcom called "Welcome Back, Kotter." out its problems. The ghettos are torn asunder by Should some visionary television producer read "Welcome Back, Kotter" was a story about drugs and violence, and the youth of these areas this and decide to make what will doubtless be a redemption, a modern-day "Scarlet Letter." Gabe often lack direction and emotional support. Into career-making move by producing "Welcome Kotter was a high school history teacher who had their lives steps a new guiding light, a teacher who Back, Horshak," I only ask one thing in exchange been sent to teach the same group of troubled stu- grew up on the same streets they did, a man who for use of this incredible idea. I don't need to be a dents which he had once belonged to and strug- not only escaped from the urban jungle, but now co-producer or a head writer, a lead grip or an gled to escape from. "The Sweathogs" were tradi- returns to help others find their way out. His assistant gaffer... though a creator's credit might be tionally the worst group of students in school, and name: Arnold Horshak. nice. Nay, I only ask for one small favor: it was with a great sense of irony that our man Indeed, Horshak has returned to the mean streets Do you think you could get me Travolta's autograph? Gabe took the helm as their leader. that he grew up on. Following in the footsteps of his

A Connection is Made

By Danny Rivera

Very little is ever said of the musical qualities of bands over-hyped and ultra-exposed in magazines like MelodyMaker and Rolling Stone, but it's just as well; few, if any, ever deserve a morsel of attention. Recently, however, there has been a certain streak of music from across the Atlantic that is forward and unrelenting; aggressive yet contained, with lyrics that shatter any notions of pretentiousness or dis- honesty. Musical heroes if I ever heard them. Leading the way are the collective genius of Oasis; the quirky yet original Blur; the enigmatic Radiohead, and a band whose uncanny resemblance to Wire detracts from their true purpose-welcome to Elastica. While all of the aforementioned bands carry solid significance in a musical world where Hootie and The Blowfish (inexplicably) sell millions of records, only Elastica has made an indelible mark on the basis of their raw energy and talent, as opposed to Oasis and Blur, who aside from their rich creativity are more known for behaving like frivolous little children than highly competent musicians. And, due to their mixing of punk sensibility with a dash of Britpop to create an unequalled wall of sound, Elastica has been able to overcome the marked exaggeration in a music press that loves to smother itself in the flavor of-the-month. Comprised of three women and the token male drummer, Elastica's songs cover a wide range of issues, from sex in the backseat ("let's go siesta/in your Ford Fiesta"), to the mainstays of pop-love and loss-with a flavor that is uniquely fresh and determined. Adding to this is a vitality that speaks for itself; nowhere are the bland, plastic sounds that seem to swallow the minds and wallets of the aver- age listener-for Elastica, that would be too sim- ple-what is there is the unified direction this band is heading in, and what will ultimately be their worth. In any case, when Justine Frischmann sings, "is it just that I'm much too much for you?", the answer is undoubedtly, yes. rn ^ » - - » ^^ -9_A- 1

4 Press p The Stony Brook W~g~·"s~res~r~.P~~El~~ the Pi nky an8 tj* Brain By Ted Swedalla you from watching it, it only hooks you more. strokes can take you anywhere. This is wonderful. You feel as helpless as Pinky if you were to try to How many other shows have done stories that rob Steven Speilberg is a genius. Zort. turn away. He knows the answer to "What are we shamelessly from Greek Mythology, Orson Welles That's all I have to say. After lapsing into a self- going to do tonight Brain?" ("Try to take over the and Hunt For The Red October? induced coma over the intersession, I became world.") but asks You have to love a show entranced by TV that I had never seen during the anyway. It's the same that has lines like "Charie previous school semester, due to homework, this reason I continually Sheen, Ben Vareen, shrink to newspaper and my job. But during the down time tune in. I already the size of a lima bean," "If I between semesters, I got caught up in the wonder- know what the out- could reach you Pinky, I ful world of daytime TV. come will be-they would hurt you" and the all- This meant getting hooked on "One Life To Live" will fail. But I want to time classic "All my thoughts and "Oprah." But mainly my obsession was with see what the Brain are in Dutch." the "The Animaniacs" and "Pinky & The Brain." gets hit on the head The Brain will never suc- Ah the wonderful world of cartoons. with, what Pinky ceed in taking over the world, Both of these cartoon shows, whose Executive says after the Brain you know this, I know this Producer happens to be Steven Speilberg, are a says "Are you pon- and mister Spielberg know breathe of fresh air forced into the mostly lame dering what I'm pon- this. It is what makes the world of television. dering Pinky?" and show so appealing, that and "The Animaniacs" are good for singing songs how exactly Pinky is all the references to pop cul- about things like the United Nations and why the downfall of their ture, which you have to be there are earthquakes, and has sent me into a fren- schemes. pretty geeky to get all of zy looking for their CD's. I know they exist, I just It's the cartoon ver- them. Plus, you know it's a want to know what songs are on them before I pick sion of Gilligan's good show when you can them up. If any one happens to have one of them, Island, you knew they find not one, but a couple of please let me know what's on them. Also if you weren't going to get web sights devoted to it. happen to know what the hell Yakko, Wakko and off the island, even This show, along with Dot are, that would also be greatly appreciated. with the smartest per- Hercules and Xena are turning But it was "Pinky & The Brain" that I really fell son in the world on the WB (Channel 11) into, not in love with. I know all the words to the theme the island with them. a respectable channel, but a song, all the catch phrases and especially that the (The professor had to be the smartest person in the channel you can go to when you want to have fun. Brain will never conquer the world. world, how else can you explain how he kept the It's like a Bill Murray movie, they're not really It's not like another sitcom where you wonder batteries in the radio fresh for 15 years?) respectable, but very fun to watch. how the protagonist is going to solve the problem Like any good show, it steals from the world Pinky and The Brain is on Sunday at 7 pm and and get ahead in what ever they're doing. No. around us today and - more importantly - from Saturday at 9:30 am, and other assorted times of After one show, you know that their plans to rule pop culture. And does it well. But like all cartoons, the week. Watch it as often as possible. the world will never succeed, but it doesn't keep when you don't have to build a set, a few brush Narf.

Studertr:. faulty, and staff 3ae invited to submit Student, facuy, and taff are invited to submit or"i;aons of.prof-sio•ir personnel to be c~'-id d ?or the nominations of pro ssoni librarians to be consider•d for the Ptrsid&.e As/Cha.ce so awartd for President's/Chancellor's award for Excellenee in Professional Service Excellence in Lbraranship

must b.Nomr;~s .onf-?a;.hring profesioual pAeon;;e Nominees: must be have an outstanding record of 'kiU who have demonsrated exceiience in fuitf ing their in librrimanhip, service to the U •vsity, job responibiitie while also d:mo.stratg capab1ilies 5and of .ommitmnt to scf.ol)?ship and plofesioal d .evelopment,, a,,d ccomplishrmeas in aieas aof T'hese te rea:an mustoi be addretssed in 'ead"r.hip,innovaion, and problem solvihg,. h lelrs r oMSof ndation.

Nominatiom:; must be submitted to the Sel.ction Commitutee Norminati, s mus" be ~uibmjt.d to .. Selection Cormminie lo iate"r th,-n Fnrday, ,February 16, 1996 and .ho.ild nsist o0 no lae; than Friday, February 16, 1996 and should consist of a one-page leer orrtng the ominmation, an up-toIdate a one- &page letter supp.t:ingr. the nomination, and detailed vita, id kl•~e rs of upport froom irdividu. wvi;h an u,-to-date a.d d.,aikxi vi,., atd jIe UhJver.sity. Smeement^s sho#id ,fddres;the nomninee leues of support from individuals wihin most outrsi:ding qu ifications and specific hievements. thae University. For futher irnfonaton, cai 632-7272 For furher •nforrmation, call 632-7272

Pies. -,d the no-n,'.a.-tion.s to: 2.5(60 Excelncc ;.AProfessioa Service Admihnistration Buioding, Roo.m 3 Standing Commin:e on rJ e L..ibrry 0701 Univycrsity S.-.ate P.sychoRlog. e124

~I II --~at ------~g ~---P-~-~9plrC- I ~LC~ llL·L_~91 ------L~- - I--~- -F s ---- January 29, 1996 page 15 Summersault, Perth West Australia 1/7/96 By Antony Lorenzo 'Trigger Cut'. The Midwestern punk outfit, Bikini Riot'. Most tunes were dug from their last five or Kill begrudgingly took stage two as the six o' clock so albums. For some reason they chose to ignore The much hailed summer festival, a lot of beer, sun began to set. Bikini Kill layed on huge quanti- the much acclaimed "Goo" LP. The epic 'Diamond pounds of pot and thousands of very sweaty ties of self assertiveness and political furor but Sea' finished the set, although it's 20 minutes youngsters. The month of January saw the birth of lacked in the all important realm of talent. Singer seemed to bore many people to death. Its lengthy Australia's Summersault Festival, a massive gath- Kathleen Hanna merely blurted out her infamous proportions kept Beck occupied on stage two as he ering of skaters, stoners, vendors and a bunch of profanities over an unimpressive racket. Even the played along on his harmonica before beginning American bands. Complemented by a impeccable much hailed 'Rebel Girl' was a distorted, screechy his own set which included 'Pay No Mind', sound system, the two stages played host to the mess. Toward the end of the set, much of the crowd 'Mexico' and others. It was approaching 11 pm likes of Rancid, Pavement, The Amps, Foo dissipated toward stage one for Dave Grohl and before the festivals headliners took to the stage. Fighters, Sonic Youth, the Beastie Boys and a hand- his Foo Fighters. It is often cited that New York expatriots The ful of others. The tour began in Sydney and trav- They were greeted like hometown heroes, Beastie Boys have more fortuity than genius. After elled to each major city, winding up in the west unquestionably the event of the day for many. a short lived career in New Yorks hardcore scene coast oasis of Perth. Seemingly more concerned for fallen moshers, during the early eighties the Beasties steered The mercury had crept up to a comfortable 90 Dave Grohl repeatedly asked for specific people to toward a successful career in Hip Hop, perfectly degrees on the day. Weaving my way through the be helped up between songs. Those included accessible to scores of young white teens. The main skating exhibitions and various t shirt stalls to the 'Winnebago', 'Good Grief', 'For All the Cows' and attraction of the Summersault festival, the Beasties main stage, I found myself just in time for a vigorous 'Weenie Beenie'. Such a friendly occasion was strode onto the stage to the familiar drum roll intro performance by San Franciscan three piece, dominated by the flamboyant presence of Pat of 'Shake Your Rump'. Surprisingly much of the Jawbreaker. Blake Schwartzenbach and co's self (Pap?) Smear. The confident Grohl seems to have set came from the ground breaking "Pauls described set of punk rock included 'Save Your no trouble in converting his drumming athleticism Boutique". Unfortunately they decided to delve Generation' and 'Fireman'. Local act Bluetile Lounge into stage front guitar energetics. After 'Exhausted' into there catalogue of "cafe-funk" including the took stage two soon after, subjecting the crowd to he shamelessly plugged the next act; "Rancid are irksome 'Sobroso' and 'Namaste'. Obviously pres- two 20 minute droners in the vain of Slowdive. up next on stage two, check them out, they they're sured by the promoters to end on time they quick- They paid the price for playing longer than their fucking excellent!" Gee Thanks Dave. Rancid's Tim ly rapped up their set with "Skills To Pay the Bills" allotted 40 minutes and The Amps rudely pro- Armstrong and Lars Frederikson could be seen and the hardcore classic "Riot Fight.". They man- ceeded to drown them out on stage one. Kim Deal doing push ups underneath the stage they were aged to end the night on the energized vibe on and friends punched out among others 'Pacer', about to tear apart. Ripping into "Salvation", their which it began. The crowd was ready for more but 'Tipp City' and 'Am I decided'. Although reminis- set timewarped the crowd back to the days of the it was not to be and the masses made their way cent of her infamous breed of girlpop, Kim Deal's Brixton riots and pogo dancing (slightly strange toward the extremely narrow exit. side project is shamefully unoriginal. since they hail from sunny California) They Despite one or two average performances, the Disappointed, much of the 10,000 plus crowd grew inspired.the most violent mosh of the day during last show of The Summersault tour proved to be a bored and headed to the sectioned off drinking such ska anthems as as "Timebomb" and momentous occasion and despite the availability area. Pavement took to the stage rather inebriated 'Somebodies Gonna Die"' of huge quantities of alcohol no major disasters themselves kicking off the set with an appropriate College rock gurus and veteran noise mongers occurred. More than anything The Summersault 'Summer Babe'. Stephan Malkmus slurred his way Sonic Youth moped onto the main stage to a fero- festival proved that Punk is on the road toward through several tunes from their latest effort, cious welcome. Despite slightly eccentric studio mainstream revival , extremely anxious to quash "Wowee Zowee" To my relief they did without work of recent times, their glimmering perfor- any remnants of the forgettable grunge years. 'Cut Your Hair' but somehow fitted in the exalted mance was kicked off with the blistering 'Teenage

St:den;s, fal':y. aud staff a. invited to submit rnoT:irations of ftrn time Univers-y .taft who s,.rvc in io;,sno~.n, of faclty who have taug.ht ftlli de for 'ree yer, clas-ificd or clasifid-cmuiv:r: en potions to te considrred hor Ute at $f;:.y Brik to :beo.nsidre ior the Pjesidourts Award for tistidenI'hde /Ch4,A ncoermsiwad 0 .&wv , lbor Excellene in Classefid .SOrvict Excellence in Teacthing N,.ninces u:t ;;c iidividukals who n. otly dem.vsnate outwt ir..g skil.s inhe priLXArince of asigerd respcr.sibilikes No,-ne4:• s be have a rro~-i of ot-.,.srding skil, but vyit also Xpcrfom i-byod sAh spec fic parametms o their job n t;achiig, d mnstratiug fexible in sructional policy description ard dsplay initia:iv in mcrasing th. afs aa maerofamas variety of :afching Ctechiques. ii'c,tivnss o,.- v c3 t :he. lieCrsiTyP Candida~e re.t also how evidence of sholarship, aessiii t students out:idc of clas:s, and demcnstia• an abilily t h.lpo OiC'~ LWCiS CBfi -I&%CO.. i a s:.uden.; att:n acdemic,eceuiesnc^ ~ up- to-date atnd delailkd resume, a der,3ctior of th.e (n:iWsad r.-s.bfties.f fth3candiiats rcurt p>s.tion, anrd ettern-of sup~rt fr•.o idivids::s withi;n Fhe NormLnatior; mus&t be sub1.itted to the Selkcdio Compmitte& Ur.iv~ersit attestna t ne abiiities anad coLribtiors of :. n.min,. At lea~,t vto of tthese l::crs sh_'.uSd be from cUrre.trcr former sup.rm•.rs. »o-r-, than FridayFFebruary .6, 1996a For frisher irnfounaio.• caii.32-?27?. Succe;sful ominaiition.,J:layth f willL : ncseS jNA".A ifrmadion and ..materialsv which display tho qualities wd criteria noted aw:.. Pltease rAd the tOi.natin, to.: For frher ianfom;atiot coutact the alrels below, or clal 632-?7790. Campu:-' S rvysct: Edwa'd , O'Conl., Z.6210 (2-9674) F'imance & ManagRmemuit:a Angic Hday>, OVPFirIace & Mgrt.. Z- 30)2 (?-6 9I) Please send the nominations to: William Winner Health SceNtsc: Grace AgneAi, Medical Seho Admissions.I843'. (4.2133) Excelr.c- ir:T-,aching Awrd HospiStal ?Pa ul e, UH, Towir 14, ,Roxn 120, Z- 7750 )4-2836) PresdetG: Georg . Meyer,I P:esidCt' O ffice, Z- 0701 (2 -6271 LUdergradute Academic Affavir Pryvrt; Kasichn AMih, SSW. HSC, LeveA 2 Room•093, Z-230 (4-3141) Li,b E 3320 Student A;fairs: Christel Coion, OVP Student Af rsIZ-0501 (2.670;) =3351 IJIivrsitry Affair;sEil,- McS,-y, U;ivetity Affair.r Z*. 1601. (2 -63X) ~~rrti~nr~sr li~t~sm;i Crl~rr) u ..

The Stony Brook Press page 16 .- A IINI'

1995's Banner Year films of last year and brought in a respectable $66 Calling All MiSTies: Unite! million. It is a film that should have made $100 mil- By Chris Cartusciello By Chris Cartusciello lion easy but was hurt by its three hour running time. With Gibson winning the Golden Globe for Welcome back to another semester of higher Now is the winter of our discontent - really. As best director and almost assured an Oscar nomina- learning (if you have classes on the top floor of SBS you may or may not know by now, Comedy tion, Paramount is planning on re-releasing it again that is), school functions (does this school actually Central has decided, in its infinite wisdom, to in mid-February. This is right after Academy Award function?), and the most comprehensible movie cancel "Mystery Science Theater 3000." After nominations and right before the film's home video news this side of Route 347. seven seasons on the air they have decided to release. If you haven't seen it yet, don't wait for Now that 1996 is here it's time to look back at pull the plug on their flagship show. The show video. This is an epic of such magnitude that it must what made 1995 such a record year for Hollywood. that put them on the map, or in the TV Guide at be experienced in the theater. Another film that did- With a $5.4 billion take, the studios are riding high. least. This comes as a great shock to all of us who n't do as well as expected was Assass This Sylvester They certainly had their share of losers too, but follow the show so closely and religiously. (I Stallone / Antonio Banderas cat and mouse game those tinsel town executives are setting their sights myself have a shrine to the all knowing and all garnered some great reviews and was a departure on bigger and better things to come. powerful god, Joel Hodgson, in my home.) For from the usual shoot-em-up movie that is expected Last year's top grossing film was, no surprise, those of you who don't know (if you live in a from these two stars. The $30 million gross is upset- Batman Forever which flew to a $184 million gross closet that is) MST3K, as we MiSTies call it, is a ting because film goers are always saying they want Apollo 13 was second, blasting into the stratos- show in which a janitor, formally Joel now Mike something different, but when they get it they phere and bringing home $172 million (and some, Nelson, was shot into space by the evil Dr. ignore it. sure to come, Oscar nominations). Toy Story had a Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank.'He lives 1995 had a good amount of major bombs too. friend in all of us and put $150 million into aboard The Satellite Of Love with his robot Some of the biggest were Nixon, proving once and friends which he made out of spare parts. There Disney's piggy bank so far. It's still going strong 1£ d ihLi.L %L ;A-- .L a... o.M. and is sure to reach orI anll L IdL t n is not a croUU, is Tom Servo, the wise-ass gumball machine, with a budget of $50 million before Crow T. Robot, the frustrated, spontaneous one; $200 million and a grass of only $10 million it overtakes the Gypsy, who controls all the higher functions of to date. Money Train was just home video market. the ship and Cambot who is just that, the camera. the opposite of its title with a With a budget of There is also magic voice who tells them when it budget of $68 million and a it is, is time for a commercial. The evil scientists only $30 million $36 million gross. Judge the most prof- (although TV's Frank has now left the show and by far, Dredd was just that for film of the was replaced by Dr. Forrester's mother) send itable Disney. With a $70 million year. Disney them some of the worst movies ever made as Joel past budget it grossed just $35 mil- the colors of or Mike and the 'bots are forced to watch them. used all lion. Forget the fact that it the wind to make Not only do they watch, but they do the same really wasn't that good a thing you and your friends would do in the same Pocahontas the movie'to start with (although fourth biggest film of '95 with a gross of $142 mil- ...... \--...... --C - situation, they crack jokes and comment on what it is much more enjoyable on video), what in the him very much, because Jim Carrey they are seeing. In any given show there are lion. Spank world made Disney decide to release a movie from brought Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls a gross about 600 jokes. The references range from the a comic book, aimed at kids, with an "R" rating? A of $105 million. He's put the sequel to The Mask on entertainment world to politics to ancient philos- much more subtle "PG-13" would have done the for now to concentrate on his ophy. Now after all this time and a huge follow- the back burner studio much better and the great special effects paycheck in The Cable Guy. ing Comedy Central has decided to move on. upcoming $20 million would have carried it the rest of the way. Even you believe in him or not Casper was the Could their timing had been any worse? In April, Whether with all its hype and publicity Showgirls could grosser along with Die Hard Best Brains, thc production company that puts next $100 million only manage to put $20 million in its g-string. If The third film in the Die Hard out the show. is releasing, a book about the show. With A Vengeance. you want to rent it to see what you didn't miss you grossing movie overseas It promises to be a behind the scenes look as well series became the highest have two choices. Go to a little video store some- take of $254 million. The James as the ultimate episode guide. There will also be last year with a where and get the "NC- 17" theatrical version or Bond series is not dead as Pierce Brosnan proved a CD-ROM released at the same time. And last, go to Blockbuster and rent the trimmed down "R" but nt least, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The bringing Goldeneye in as the eighth biggest film of rated cut. It has 61 seconds cut out of it. This is this spring. With this million gross. Seven showed Movie will also be released last year with a $94 because Blockbuster calls themselves a family that greed is not a sin after all by taking in $93 mil- much merchandise flooding the market, and so video store and will not rent 'NC-17" films. They exposed to the show, the right decision and many more people being lion. Crimson Tide made will, however, rent un-rated, straight to video, to round out the top ten. the fan base is guaranteed to increase. Also the grossed $92 million sleaze films. Go figure. Demi Moore proved that the other big films of 1995 were, believe second annual MST3K ConventioCon Expo Fest- Some of she's not the big star she thought she was as her With a gross of $88 million it A-Rama is scheduled for this Labor Day it or not, Waterworld. The Scarlet Letter went down in flames with a pal- most made it out to be. This is Weekend. Unfortunately for us poor folk it is held wasn't the bomb try $10 million gross. Maybe her comment that it onlookers, like at a fatal acci- in Minneapolis, the city in which the show origi- mostly due to curios was alright to change the ending, to be more who actually liked the thing. But nates. This show has grown from a small cable dent, than people upbeat, because not that many people read the reach to almost $200 million it access show to cult status to cultural phenome- with a budget that book was a little presumptuous. Cindy Crawford biggest losers too. One big sur- non and now they are going, to cancel it. To was one of the years was Fair Game as every reviewer took shots at her the $85 million gross of Comedy Central, in the words of the immortal prise ofthe year was acting ability. Even the film's distributor, Warner Whether it was Michelle Crow T. Robot, "Bite Me!" If you feel the way I Dangerous Minds. Brothers, didn't trust her all that much. They presence or a hot soundtrack is still unde- do, let yourself be heard. Write to Comedy Pfeiffer's ended up dubbing in someone else's voice over proved that she is here to Central at: Comedy Central 1775 Broadway New termined. Sandra Bullock her own. Possibly the biggest disaster of the year Sleeping and The Net York, N.Y. 10019 stay with While You Were was Caroico's $92 million pirate epic Cutthroat and $50 million respectively. grossing $81 million Islarld. With a gross of $8 million it is one of the block with this year's Two If You can also fine them on the World Wide Web She's hit a stumbling biggest losers in film history. The husband and million so far and sinking fast. http://www.comcentral.com By Sea with only $8 wife team of director Renny HaIlin and star Genna Congo managed to get Even with scathing reviews Davis helped to permanently sink the studio that is thanks to shrewd marketing There is also a MST3K hotline at: $81 million. This was already on rough waters. Carolco will proba- seem like another Jurassic 212-767-8851 that made this clunker bly never put out a film again. in almost $60 million last Park. Jumanji brought As the new year starts the studios are looking for a definite $100 million gross. If you would like to join the Mystery Science year and is geared for the next Batman and trying to avoid the next Top Williams' is a big reason for this but you Theater 3000 Information Club write to: Robin Dog ($5 million gross). There big plans for this effects. Those monkeys MST3K Info Club can't deny -the special year and even grander ones for 1997. As the weeks deserve an award of some sort.. P.O. Box 5325 go by I'll keep you updated on what will be com- make what they really should Hopkins, MN 55343 Some movies didn't ing out and what is in the works. have. Mel Gibson's Braveheart was one of the best January 29, 1996 page 17 I· - ~ -r~l~pzrs~~ la~--~as9 ----1 II 1 ~- -~-- ~S Is~PB·e~·L~~ir~ ~sC~t~.~ ~- ' -r ~·~C~CB~-e~..· IL. IT~--+ 1 No ,Really, He Doesn't Suck By David M. Ewalt reports from such places as KISS and porno con- JUDGE: Okay, Mr. Starr, you may begin your ventions are some of the funniest things you'll see questioning. Some of the more astute readers of The Press may on TV. He's also worth a chuckle or two while sit- STARR: Okay. Mrs. Clinton... Liar, liar, liar! have noticed a strange theme running through this ting on the big couch next to the show's guests. Liar, liar, liar! issue; namely, Conan O'Brien references and The show's bandleader, Max Weinberg, is a former CLINTON: I am not a liar. "Grady" jokes. Doubtless, many of you are puz- member of Bruce Springsteen's E-Street Band, and STARR: Isn't it true you're also a doody head? zled. I suppose an explanation is in order. he's more than proficient at providing the buffer CLINTON: I am not a doody head. Like many other students here at Stony Brook, I music in between interviews. You are a doody head. despise morning classes. As a consequence, I've set up my schedule so that my earliest class all week is In addition to the great sketch comedy, Conan at a more-than-manageable 11:30. Since I don't regularly features a bizarre Clutch-Cargoesque gag have to wake until late, I tend to watch a wide where he "interviews" famous people on a video- spectrum of late night television; Nick at Nite, screen; they're really static pictures with the super- Cheers reruns, etc. Amidst all the re-tread pro- imposed lips of actors doing the speaking. Sound gramming, I've found an oasis of original and funny? Well, watch it, it's hysterical. highly entertaining television; Late Night with Oh yeah, you were wondering about the Grady Conan 0' Brien. thing, weren't you? Well, Conan seems quite fond Now, hold on a second. I know what you're think- of running gags involving quasi-famous people. ing. No, he doesn't suck. When I told the other edi- For a while he was having Ed Koch show up every tors of The Press what my article for this week few episodes in various sketches... he's also used would be, I was met with gaping mouths and Gilbert Gottfried, Al Roker, Dick Cavett and Nipsey incredulous looks. Conan's got a less than sterling Russell on more than one occasion. His new gim- reputation; when he took over Late Night after What really makes Late Night isn't the interviews mick; he's searching for Whitman "Grady" Mayo - David Letterman left, his performance was uncom- or the monologues, but the sketches. O'Brien, a for- the guy from Sanford & Son- to be his new gag fortable and awkward. Many people watched his mer staffer of The Simpsons and Saturday Night man. Apparently, Grady is a hard man to find; first show and then gave up on him, never to return. Live, provides some of the funniest comedy bits Conan's got a 1-800 tipline set-up and has been pro- Since that inauspicous debut, Late Night has got- since Eddie Murphy dressed up as Gumby. The viding regular updates on the search's progress. ten better and better. Conan is now quite comfort- sketches are always fresh and funny; take, for Sure, it's a little weird... but it's a lot funny. If able in front of an audience, and he's lost all the instance, a recent show the night before Hillary you're in need of a good laugh (or just something nervous ticks of his first weeks. His monologues Clinton testified in the Whitewater hearings. While to do at 12:35 in the morning) be sure and check are smooth and can stand their own against Leno's Jay and Dave made the usual limp jokes in their out Late Night with Conan O'Brien. or Letterman's. monologues, Conan provided a pre-enactment of Trust me, he doesn't suck. Conan's sidekick, Andy Richter, is truly a Hillary being questioned by counsel Ken Starr. The comedic gem. Andy's occasional video-taped hook: it was acted out by little children.

By Lowell Yaeger Jourgensen in 1981, the first release, With Sympathy, and guitarist Mike Scaccia were picked up for hero- was an awful synthpop album; it wasn't until he in possession in the late summer of 1995 while Musical trends seem to be cyclical: a genre will extricated himself from his label, Arista, did he begin rumors of a new album and an impending break-up seem popular for a while, and then it will fade into releasing industrial music. Two albums later, bassist continued to bounce about on Internet newsgroups. obscurity, kept alive by a few stalwart fans. Ten, Paul Barker joined, and the sampled guitar riffs on And then it came out. The new album, "Filth Pig," maybe fifteen years after the genre's original high The Land of Rape and Honey set the stage for many is both a disappointment and an omen. The old ele- period, it will reappear, stronger than before and in other industrial bands to come. Their popularity ments are there - barked vocals, unintelligible a form better equipped to make money and sur- fared even better with The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To lyrics, droning guitars, and obscure samples - but vive financially than its previous incarnation. Taste; the resulting tour had everyone from Trent the songs lack any energy or power. With the excep- Industrial music, originally pioneered by Reznor to Nivek Ogre to Martin Atkins of Pigface tion of the title track, "The Fall," "Game Show," and Throbbing Gristle and Einsturzende Neubauten, is appearing on-stage with Al and Paul. a cover of Bob Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay" (which man- one of those trends that follows this pattern, and 1992's Psalm 69: The Way To Succeed and the Way to ages to be funny and disturbingly good at the same more than anything I've seen or heard in the last Suck Eggs featured the pounding rhythms of time), the. album is devoid of life. It sounds like few years, the new Ministry album proves that "N.W.O." with its unforgettable George Bush sam- many of these songs were constructed in the space of 1996 will be the genre's lowest point. ple ("we're not about to make that same mistake a day as a means of appeasing their record company. Industrial music picked up popularity in the mid- twice") and "Jesus Built My Hotrod," a thrash ode The album's obligatory anti-religion anthem, '80s, gathering strength as bands like Ministry, to racecars sung by the Butthole Surfers' Gibby "Lava," pales by comparison to Psalm 69's title Skinny Puppy, and Front 242 took synthpop and Haynes. Both became dance-hall and college radio track, which was ripe with overly-dramatic evan- experimental noise, blended in the tiniest touch of hits, and Ministry's new-found popularity landed gelistic samples and Gregorian chanting; here, pop and metal, covered it in lyrics about politics them a co-headlining slot on the second there's only one sample, and a tired thrash track and society, and came out with a new form of music Lollapalooza tour. Despite the change in Ministry's playing in the background. "Useless" is a boring that was both more accessible and more disturbing sound as it veered away from beat-intense indus- sludgecore tune constructed around excessive than techno. The scene exploded with the appear- trial and closer toward guitar-oriented metal, the whining; "Deadguy" is nothing but standard metal ance of Nine Inch Nails on the first Lollapalooza band that once got arrested for firing bottle rockets nonsense. With the exception of the occasional key- tour, Trent Reznor's faux-angst power ballads off inside a tour bus kept its old fans and gained board melody and the distorted vocals, the work on proving that industrial could become mainstream. new ones; people who saw them at Lollapalooza this album can be stripped down to a standard gui- Thankfully, this was the extent of industrial's intru- without ever having heard of their existence went tar-bass-keyboard configuration; the polyrhythmic sion into Top 40 radio... so far. out and bought their albums a day later. drumming of previous albums is gone, as is the sat- Ironically, the popularity of Nine Inch Nails was And then they all but disappeared. They moved isfyingly deafening wall of sound. one of the things that led to the downfall of indus- down to a ranch in Texas, where Al Jourgensen All isn't lost for Al, though. The cover of Bob trial music. Sensing a cash cow, major labels bought claimed to have won a decade-long battle with Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay" is a shining ray of hope, up rights to every industrial band from My Life heroin. A bland album by the Revolting Cocks its bleak guitars and acoustic rhythms proof that with the Thrill Kill Kult to the aforementioned (essentially Ministry with a few other members and Ministry can work its way out of the metal-lined Front 242, and set about signing every garage-metal a much lighter view of the world) and a production rut it dug for itself. But with another four years band with a sampler, resulting in the abortions bet- credit on the Reverend Horton Heat's third album between this album and the next (if past experi- ter known as Stabbing Westward and Drown. comprised the extent of their achievements for a ence is any proof) and industrial in the state that Ministry, the second most-popular band to emerge period of roughly three years. The band surfaced it's in now, this could be the final nail in the coffin. from the industrial scene seems to have fared the now and again, at one point playing a memorable best, and that's pretty depressing. Founded by Alien acoustic set for a benefit in California. Al Jourgensen Thank you for the single Donna Dragotta & Bubbles. The Stony Brook Press page 18 By Steven Tornello Paul "Pee Wee" Minisculous scored the winning accused of point shaving by the NCAA. However, basket with two minutes remaining to cement the USB officials calmed the matter when they assured Simpsons Prelude: Bart and Lisa just failed at an 4-3 victory. The 1baseball team, behind the arm of the fact-finding commission that this was not a attempt to inherit Mr. Burns' vast fortune upon his Jed "One Finger " Slopitche, beat the College for matter of throwing games but actually this was the death. Homer looks at the two unhappy children and the Comatose foir their first victory. However, the way they played. The lopsided scores were indeed says, "Kids, look at it this way. You tried your best, and scandal behind thie women's volleyball team shook unintentional. you failed miserably. The lesson is never try." the very foundations of "Sheep Molester" athletics. The early 80s saw the advent of football onto the Plaia was accuse(d of dressing the team up in tight campus. Under the leadership of Vinny "Dr. Punt" SUNY-Stony Brook is known worldwide for its bikinis and then filling up the volleyballs in sand. Noscor, we became the first team to punt over five commitment to excellence in such fields as His consequentia l ogling led to criminal prosecu- hundred times in a season. We would later break physics, physical therapy, aggravation, and ath- tion, and althoug;h the sheep didn't take the stand that standard in our second season. Our first victo- letics. OK, so maybe athletics isn't exactly the in court and charrges were later dropped, USB was ry, against Thimbletoe U, saw the heroics of most cemented department of the four, but we forced to find a nlew AD and a new nickname. Chester "Negative Yardage" McFumble, who did- here at Seawolf U. are lucky to have an athletic Students werre asked to come up with new n't realize the ball was in his jersey when he department stacked with dedicated, ambitious, names. Despite monikers as "Ram Gropers", tripped into the end zone for a 6-0 final score. It and energetic individuals with the one single "Goat Feelers", aind the highly popular "Drooling was a sign of things to come. goal of success at the Division I level. Although Fools", USB settled on the "Patriots", a nickname The USB Athletic Hall of Fame opened in 1984. some members of the faculty and administration which stood uritil 1994. Lacrosse, Men's and Located in the basement of Heavy Engineering, have serious doubts about this goal, many Women's Soccer, Swimming, and Track and Field, it features plaques and index cards commemo- believe that behind the solid leadership we have plus Women's Baisketball and Softball were added rating the greats of USB athletics. The inaugural recently exhibited in the athletic department, we into the mix, anid a coach was deemed to each inductees were Tournicate, Wonica, Plaia, Canci, will reach our goal hand-in-hand with academic individual tearri. Michael Canci and Michael Mannino, Slopitche, and LaManda. Also voted in succrss Yet. dpesnite these were Zelda "Bloated Calves" local roadblocks, we must Immobile, who, in the team's third also deal with the checkered year of existence, was the first female history of USB athletics that volleyballer to get the ball over the is rarely talked about. net; Vladikov "Two Left Feet" It seemed that although Duleffitte, whose talented yet clum- USB tried hard to achieve sy footwork led the USB Soccer team athletic success from it's during their infant years; Maureen inception, failure was the Bunter, who led the softball team in only result they experienced. batting for her three years despite USB began its trek into the not having any of her at-bats reach realm of Division I athletics the outfield; and Stanley "The under the reign of Athletic Bends" Drownmy, whose unortho- Director Thomas Wonica. dox style of staying afloat led the "The Sheep Molesters", as swim team to change their training we were originally called, techniques. You could see original competed in men's basket- uniforms of the "Sheep Molesters" ball and baseball, and often and even a protest sign confiscated we scored points in those by Public Safety during the great games. Inaugural basketball "Anti-Patriot" protest in 1974 which coach Skippy "Thumbs resulted in the brutal death of two Down" Tournicate employed squirrels and a pygmy. radical strategies such as four Turnout for athletic events had been men on the court and 1--1-1- minimal because the positive results iH· i l TCI zone. However, opposing were I ~ll~lso mIiUnImai. IIen IueepI teams were too busy laughing at the "Sheep Mannino were instituted as co-AD's, and the Molester" mascot did not go well with the Molesters" wool-lined uniforms with sheep-ears pieces were in place for a progression to a suc- pedophiles in the audience, and the only fans who that the strange tactics often went unnoticed. cessful program. But, trouble seemed to find the came to see the games were the aforementioned Against the Ray Charles School for the Blind, we athletic department once again. pedophiles, manic depressives, and other mem- stormed out to a quick 2-0 lead behind the sharp The newly-constructed gymnasium was built bers of public safety and administration. The marksmanship of Sal "Two Hands" LaManda, with the understanding that it was to be for the use teams were so bad that Morganna the Kissing who earned his nickname from his dribbling and of a fourth-grade team, with eight-foot high bas- Bandit would kiss fans instead of players. In order drinking habits. However, the Charles School kets and 75-foot courts. "The Shoebox" was inap- to stimulate attention, USB officials instituted dif- scored the remaining 47 points for a comfortable 45 propriate for any athletic event, and funds had to ferent promotions, such as "Come to the Game, point victory. Such games were the norm instead of be transferred in order to build another gym. The Upgrade your Grade", where attendance to a the strange. swim teams were given mesh goggles. The soccer sporting event guaranteed an upgrade of a full The baseball team faltered at it's infant stages, team had to practice with dodgeballs, while the grade in any class. Yet the masses stayed away, as too. Also under the tutelage of Tournicate, the lacrosse team used catcher's equipment in lieu of if the games were an O.J. Simpson Ginsu-knife team's employment of eight outfielders and no shoulder pads and helmets. The track team held exhibition. Once the teams started to win a little, catcher was mindboggling. Behind the long-ball their meets in a swamp at Lake Grove. Besides the attendance gradually began to pick up, and the power of Mickey "The Imp" Gaedel, whose incompetency of the athletic department, local res- school was generally accepted by the local popu- mammoth fly balls broke many a window idents with nationalistic pride were outraged and lace as having credibility. behind home plate, USB managed to place a few protested against the name "Patriots", claiming In 1994, USB adopted the moniker of runners in scoring position. But, like the man that it was culturally and socially insensitive. "Seawolves" in order to stimulate commercial suc- who has no money to give a pimp, they didn't Canci and Mannino were in trouble. Not only cess and to be a symbol of the new age of USB ath- score and were beaten badly. could they not get their parking stickers validated, letics. Hopefully, their aims and objectives would After two winless seasons, Wonica's highly they also had to clean up the mess they made. They be achieved with ease and grace. Yet, in order to imperfect and often comical regime ended and hired Don "Common Sense" Obviously, who made progress, one must look at the mistakes of others in Lawrence Plaia took the Athletic Directors job, and sure that each team got their proper equipment. A history and one must learn from them. Wonica, he quickly fired Tournicate and hired himself to rumor was around that USB was to switch their Plaia, Canci. Mannino, and other USB athletic fig- coach both teams plus Women's Volleyball. The nickname to "Lamb Rammers" to appease the pop- ures of note were pioneers in that their incompe- men's hoops team won their first game against the ulace, but they were already in debt and could not tence paved the way for what should be a bright John Kruk School for the Athletically Deficient. afford to do it. Trouble still lurked when USB was future.

January 29,1996 page 19 By Lowell Yaeger 5. Garbage, Garbage (Almo). Three producers and n't depressing enough - following the excellence an angry Scottish waif. This has no right to be as of Vivid and then, in my opinion, the disaster of Forget what the Chinese have to say, this was the good as it is, but nevertheless, I got a big kick out Time's Up, they recorded Stain, one of the best year of the scatologist. Rock's most famous feces- of it. Technopop, hard rock, and indie pop all albums of all time - their swan song, a greatest obsessed singer showed up twice on this year's rolled into one convenient package. hits package called Pride, featured four uninspired best-of list, and once on the biggest disappoint- songs in the rough and clogs the remainder of disc ment list. TOP FIVE DISAPPOINTMENTS OF 1995 space with old hits. I know for a fact that there are about 15 - 20 excellent, unreleased b-sides out there BEST ALBUMS 1. Mr. Bungle, Disco Volante that could have made this album a respectable OF 1995 (Sire/Warner Brothers). This final release, but instead, it's just a waste of money. 1. Faith No More, album was also named after the King For A Day, Latin term for "flying disc," 5. nine inch nails, further down the spiral Fool For A Lifetime which was exactly what this CD (Nothing/Interscope). This "album," billed as a (Slash/Reprise).' did after I bought it, when I series of remixes, stretches that term to the break- The best album threw it into a wall. While a ing point and beyond. I acknowledge that a remix you didn't hear piece of musical genius, this artist wants to try something new with the song, this year. The guys album is so different from its but writing your own song and including NIN who brought you predecessor that the band risks samples isn't a remix, it's just sampling. The same 1990's funk-rap losing more than half of its fans. goes for the Aphex Twin-produced remixes here. hit, "Epic," refuse The musical mastery that I'm a big Aphex Twin fan, but Trent, if you want to to compromise yet accompanied witty ditties like release a few of his songs, just DO it, don't mask again, releasing a "The Girls of Porn" and "My them as remixes when they're nothing but a few radio-unfriendly Ass Is On Fire" are now present samples of "A Warm Place" followed by Aphex's mix of lounge, over lyrics in archaic languages own noises for six-and-a-half minutes. gospel, thrash, and and poetry about teeth. A good hardcore. (Yes, CD - but not a good follow-up. WELCOME TO 1996 orr\cPl AClo fea- tures the year's heaviest song, "Cuckoo For Caca," 2. Skinny Puppy. First Ogre left the group, break- Coming up in 1996, just in case you're interested, an ode to scatology, penned by lead singer Mike ing up what may have been the best industrial are the following high-(and low)-lights: Patton (see above). band of all time. Then one of the group's - New albums major composers, D.R. Goettel, overdosed by Faith No 2. The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie & the on heroin in his mother's house - whether More (already!), Infinite Sadness (Virgin). Like its creator, flawed but this was intentional or not is unknown. Helmet, and the brilliant. Billy Corgan remains the jack of all genres Recent reports about the album, which was Bu t t h o le but master of none, and has finally trimmed his almost completed at the time Ogre left and Surfers; ego and allowed his bandmates talents (if not their is due out in February, say it's more main- - Two separate songwriting abilities) to shine through. From the stream and poppy than anything else Lollapaloozas angstmetal of "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" to the they've done before, and no tour is this summer, techno-inspired "Cupid de Locke," a masterpiece planned. One of the greats have fallen. with names like of modern music. Had it not been for Corgan's Metallica, the obfuscatory lyrics, which eradicate any hint of lin- 3. TIE: Red Hot Chili Peppers, One Hot Stooges, and earity, this would have made the #1 slot. Minute (Sire/Warner Brothers) and Primus, Porno For Pyros Tales From the Punchbowl being bandied 3. Mr. Bungle, Disco Volante (Sire/Warner (Atlantic/Interscope). The Chili Peppers about in rumor Brothers). Named after the boat in the James Bond grew up, found God, discovered male bond- mills; flick "Thunderball," Mr. Bungle's major-label ing, and discarded heroin, but somewhere - The aforemen- sophomore release is a stew of thrash, techno, and during their journey they lost the youthful, tioned final acid jazz which demonstrates a group of talented chaotic aspect that I found so lovable in their Skinny Puppy musicians taking what they know and running it earlier music. I can't even say that the work album; through a kaleidoscope of influences (from John on the album is an insincere attempt to win - New albums vrlr To- 40A radio beaprn ie it drnpQ (zidr -i-- f. Tri A.. Zorn to LSD). The result is a step beyond anything VeI-l -, -I-uiZ.t t 'l tC'I cl.ZO•AtoUVnlt 11t V)U LoU L ll- I1Uo11 I1on j-slll , I've ever heard before - neither better nor worse, cere - it just isn't very exciting. Primus, on the other Frank Black, and Ministry, all of which have just remarkably ditterent. hand, lost the already been released; funky-punky - And tours by Ministry, Tori Amos, and the 4. Alanis Morrissette, Jagged Little edge that made Smashing Pumpkins (the latter promising to Pill (Maverick/Warner Brothers). their other do a tour where tickets can be bought in a sys- Just kidding. This woman's talent albums enjoyable. tem not involving showing proof of your begins and ends with her breasts. Even the faster, mother's maiden name). thrashier edge is 4. Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters lost, leaving the HONORABLE MENTIONS (Capitol). He's a drummer, he's a album with a long guitarist, he's a singer, he's a series of prog- BEST OF THE YEAR: P.J. Harvey, To Bring You My fucking genius. If the Beach Boys rock anthems and Love; White Zombie, Astro Creep 2000; Foetus, had grown up 15 years later in one excellent sin- Gash; and all of the other albums that came out Venice Beach, this is what they'd gle; "Wynona's between January 1, 1995 and December 31, 1995, sound like. With lyrics focusing Big Brown that I liked enough to consider them albums that on fighting THROUGH your Beaver" - which would earn the title of "Honorable Mention" for problems instead of wallowing radio and MTV the Best of the Year. in them, David Grohl's rough tal- drove into the ent is smoothed out by the opti- ground through WORST OF THE YEAR: Blues Traveler (I just hate mistic tone found throughout the incessant airplay. them all around; the lead singer is a cancer) and erord Flor et thl -hi»V1iy i ii4drin IC-VT•,tA-,. A VAUl .,L it VVitLly JltLV. anything Boyz II Men were involved with. single, "I'll Stick Around," and go for the later 4. Living Colour. Following their break-up, the songs, influenced by everyone from Robert Fripp band promised that unreleased material would to early 80s West Coast punk. soon see the light of day. As if their break-up was-

The Stony Brook Press page 20