Everly Heart and the Dollar and a Quarter Coaster Ride
A new play by: Stephanie Grilo
12/7/15
Cast of Characters:
Everly Heart- Male. 20-30’s. Salesman. A Dandy who’s down on his luck.
Mr. Muster DeBois- Male. Older. Speaks in a hybrid of French, creole, and southern dialects. Owner and operator of the Carnival.
Clown- Gender neutral. Any age. Speechless.
Trumpet Kid- Gender neutral. Young. Plays the trumpet. Terribly.
Tootsy Taylor- Female. 20-30’s. Hoochie-Chooch burlesque dancer.
Ralph the Barker- Male. 20-30’s. Resident Carnival Barker and Head Roustabout.
Ace Phalous- Male. 20-30’s. Headless Prophet.
The Triplets 1,2,3- Gender Neutral. Any Age. Pinheads.
Ensemble of Egress’/Policeman- Gender Neutral. Any Age. Egress= The day laborers.
SCENE ONE: THE ROAD TO PREDITION
Lights up on a red dirt prairie in the Oklahoma Panhandle. TRUMPET KID sits upon a porcelain jug holding a rusty brass trumpet in one hand and a single yellow balloon in the other.
SCREECHING tire wheels and the opening and closing of car doors are heard off stage.
Suddenly, kicked on stage is EVERLY HEART. He wears a Glen Plaid suit and solid emerald green tie.
EVERLY AH HELL!
Everly picks himself up and dusts off his wool hat.
Left me flat out cold and alone without more than a nickel to my name. Well all be. That’s the kind of retribution you slummed-up-no-goods think I deserve, I presume? Well, I have you know I know the names of every gah-damn priest in Oklahoma, which might not seem like many, but those Mother-Mary hearts of yours are toast. Toast I tell ya! They’ll have you out hangin’ on a pole by mornin’.
(under his breath) Cut throats. No gooders. Down right penny-whistling fools.
Everly throws his hat back in the dirt and begins to stomp and twist it until a cloud of red dirt blows up all around him.
Trumpet kid blurps out a pathetic breathy note on his trumpet.
Everly looks at him.
Trumpet kid stares back.
EVERLY I did not see you there.
TRUMPET KID I saw you.
EVERLY Well, alright.
TRUMPET KID I play the trumpet.
EVERLY I see that.
Everly extends his arm out despite the very long distance between him and Trumpet kid.
(sales pitch mode) Name’s Everly. Everly Heart. Shootin’ to kill and killin’ to sell. That’s what I say. This here’s my briefcase and this here’s my trusty hat. Been with me since day one of m adventures. Now, let me back up a minute and say, I’ve never really killed a man, at least that I’ve been privy to, but killin’ just seems a thing everyone’s doin these days. So, I’d be remised if I didn’t cheat the ole tongue a little and let out a ruse here and there. Or else I’d be the one doing the dying round these parts. (beat) Say, speaking of these parts, those parts, and the all around anywhere parts, you seem lost, kid. I can tell the lost from the found more than the found from the lost. Easy business when you’re in sales like me. So, what’d you say, you lost kid or are you found?
TRUMPET KID No, sir.
EVERLY No, sir you are not lost? Or no, sir you are not found?
TRUMPET KID I don’t think I’m neither, sir.
EVERLY My kind of kin. Well, if you truly are neither than how come you’re out here all alone in this devilish heat? Don’t you got a school house to be in or a swimming hole or nothing?
TRUMPET KID Sure, I do. But, I’m recruttin.
EVERLY Recruttin?
TRUMPET KID Mhm.
EVERLY For what exactly?
TRUMPET KID There’s a Carnival. Just up the road there.
The kid points way out into the distance as Everly squints his eyes to follow the direction of his little fingertip.
EVERLY You don’t say.
TRUMPET KID I do. It’s right there. We got a tent and a real life coaster.
EVERLY A coaster? Well I’ll be damned, I never been on a coaster before. And there’s one just over yonder, you say? Way out in the middle o’ nothin.
TRUMPET KID Cost a dollar and quarter to ride.
EVERLY A dollar and a quarter?
TRUMPET KID Mhm.
EVERLY Seems a bit steep to me.
TRUMPET KID Dollar and a quarter.
EVERLY And what’s so great about this coaster ride?
TRUMPET KID I heard a man say just last week, he went on the roller coaster so many times that he didn’t know if he was on foot or horseback.
EVERLY (chuckling) That’s a good one, kid. Gotta remember that down the road. Well, I’ll be seein’ ya.
Everly begins to leave.
TRUMPET KID Aren’t you gonna go see it?
EVERLY Ain’t got the time.
TRUMPET KID How you gonna get to where you goin?
EVERLY Don’t know where I’m goin.
TRUMPET KID So, you ain’t got nowhere to go, and you aint got no-one or nothin to get you there, so…why you goin again?
EVERLY Listen kid, I like you and I intend to keep it that way. So play your trumpet and sell your coaster tickets/
TRUMPET KID They’re a dollar and a quarter, you can’t forget.
EVERLY Right. A dollar and a quarter. You get yourself some coins and you can buy yourself some trumpet lessons. I gotta be on my way.
TRUMPET KID I already play real go/
But, before he can spit out the rest, a clown on a two-seater-bicycle with a wagon attached to the back holding an inordinate amount of hats, rolls by. Hats of all styles, shapes, pasts and futures, wheels in to greet Everly and Trumpet Kid.
EVERLY Afternoon.
He tips his hat.
Clown honks his nose, as he is not wearing a hat to tip good day’ with.
Say, you wouldn’t happen to be going in….(looks in all cardinal directions, then lands on one) that direction, would you?
Clown mimics the man’s look to north, south, east and west. But, then Clown points in the opposite direction.
Ah, back to the Carnival. Wellp, It’s the eleventh hour for me. Godspeed to you both.
Everly picks up his suitcase and begins his long walk to perdition.
Clown and Trumpet kid start to follow him.
Some time goes by.
Everly notices a lurking shadow behind him.
He turns.
Clown and Trumpet Kid are naively starring back at him.
Everly suspiciously turns away and walks once more.
Clown and Trumpet Kid continue to follow.
Everly quickly spins back around to catch Clown and Trumpet Kid again, just staring ever so naively back at Everly.
Now, what’s the meaning of this?
Clown points in the direction of Carnival.
I said I ain’t got the time.
Everly points in the direction he’s going.
That’s my way.
TRUMPET KID A dollar and a quarter get’s you the ride of a lifetime.
EVERLY Kid, I got a nickel to my name. If I had a dollar and a quarter, I’m afraid I’d spend it elsewhere.
TRUMPET KID Elsewhere is a long way from here.
EVERLY And I suppose I intend on finding that out for myself.
Everly begins again his long walk.
Clown and Trumpet Kid leave in the opposite direction towards the Carnival.
Everly feels as though they’re still trailing him.
He turns.
I TOLD YOU I’M NOT/
They aren’t there.
Oh….
Suddenly a large gust of wind picks up blowing Everly’s hat from off his head and tumbles towards the direction of the Carnival.
Dab-nabbit!
He chases after it.
It settles.
He goes to pick it up.
The wind kicks up again, causing the hat to tumble a few more inches.
Now, quit it!
The hat settles in place once more.
He goes to pick it up.
The wind let’s out a mighty gust and Everly’s hat and Everly himself go flying off stage.
Blackout.
End of Scene.
Scene Two: The Welcome Wagon
Lights up on the outside of a Big Top all red and white.
Not a soul is around.
The wind picks up and the sound of the Big Top flapping in the gusts can be heard loudly.
It settles.
Enter EVERLY. He is still without hat.
EVERLY (whispering to himself) Now, where did you run off to you flap jack?
Beat.
I know you’re hiding. You can’t fool a fooler you fiddlin’-two-bit-no-good-flap jack of a hat!
Beat.
Wonder if one of these here Carnie folk up and found my flap jack just rustlin’ in the that dust storm and took a liking to it. Thieves in the flesh and blood.
Beat.
What a pair o’ gah-damn misfits those two were! I shoulda known better to shut up and keep to myself. People always tellin’ me, “Everly do not engage in conversation n’ less you see fit a profit from that engagement. Best to be real short and frank, Everly. Don’t smile too much, Everly. Don’t make friends, Everly. Don’t do a thing, Everly. For Christ Sake Everly!” Gah damnit, I don’t even know left from right up and down or side to side anymore!
Beat.
Well, maybe just a peak under this big ole’ Big Top won’t hurt. Just a peak. That’s all.
Beat.
Enter Mr. Muster Dubois followed by Trumpet Kid, Clown, Ralph the Barker, Tootsy Taylor, the Triplets, Ace Phalous, and a gaggle of Egress workers.
MUSTER DEBOIS Looking for this?
EVERLY (startled) AHH!
Beat.
You scared me right straight you old crow!
Beat.
Hey! That’s my hat! Been lookin’ all over for it!
MUSTER DEBOIS Mighty fine hat this is. Mighty fine indeed. In my neck of the woods we’d call this a bon Chapo!
EVERLY Come again?
MUSTER DEBOIS Creole for Good Hat.
EVERLY Oh. I see. I see.
MUSTER DEBOIS You ever been to Nola boy?
EVERLY Once or twice on my travels.
MUSTER DEBOIS Then you oughta know that in Nola everything is a matter of taste and down right sophisticated revelry. And a hat like this would go a loooooooong way down there. Perhaps you’re familiar with that sort of “sophisticated” type o’ lifestyle?
EVERLY Well if we’re speaking of the same New Orleans here, then one of us must be mistaken because I saw a man eat the entire leg of a Gator while it was still thrashin’ in a swamp bed. Now, if that ain’t the opposite of sophistication. I don’t know what is. But, I do believe my air for the finer things is quite palpable.
MUSTER DEBOIS Where you from?
EVERLY Everywhere.
MUSTER DEBOIS Where you headed?
EVERLY I don’t rightly know.
MUSTER DEBOIS That’s a cause for frustration I’d assume.
EVERLY No more frustrating than losing my only good hat. Now, can I please have it back so I can be on my way?
MUSTER DEBOIS Before I do, what’s your trade?
EVERLY My trade?
MUSTER DEBOIS Your work. What pays the bills?
EVERLY A little of this. A little of that.
Muster whistles over to Ace Phalous, the headless prophet.
MUSTER DEBOIS Ace Phalous, won’t you come here a minute and do what you do best with this here gentleman by the name of…
EVERLY Everly.
MUSTER DEBOIS …
EVERLY Everly Heart.
MUSTER DEBOIS Ace Phalous? I SAID, step right up and do your ticket. Ace Phalous?
TOOTSY TAYLOR Mr. Muster, dear. I think Ace done fell himself in a deep slumber with you boys talkin’ all that fancy phil-o-so-phi-cal jargins and such.
Beat.
Yup, his eyes done glued shut.
MUSTER DEBOIS Oh, for Christ Sake. Someone wake that poor bastard up
TOOTSY TAYLOR ACE, HONEY! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME IN THERE! WAKE ON UP! BOSS GOT A JOB FOR YOU!
EVERLY Really, I’d just like my hat and I’ll be on my way. I don’t mean to cause a scuffle or nothing. If the poor man needs a rest, then he deserves it, I’m sure of that. Having no head and all, must be a difficult enterprise.
MUSTER DEBOIS (to Ace) I HAVE IT IN MY RIGHT MIND TO SMACK YOU AWAKE, ACE!
ACE Huh?! What?! Darn. Did I do it again? My sorry, Boss. (beat) Head! Stop gettin’ me inta’ trouble, would ya! Now, do what the boss man says.
EVERLY I don’t think this is entirely necessary. I’m just looking to leave is all.
ACE I’m sensing a strong desire for money.
MUSTER DEBOIS Hmmmm.
EVERLY Everyone want’s money.
ACE A general lack of sympathy towards his fellow man.
EVERLY Well that’s just hearsay!
MUSTER DEBOIS Keep goin’ Ace…
ACE Passionate…
EVERLY That’s more like it.
ACE A romantic without no romance.
EVERLY Yeesh, don’t remind me.
ACE And…oh. That’s interesting.
EVERLY/MUSTER WHAT?
ACE Something about a secret. A BIG secret.
EVERLY NOW WHAT JUST A MINU/
MUSTER NO MATTER. Everly, sir, do you have yourself a steady job?
EVERLY I may or may not be in a bit of a slump in my current position in life.
MUSTER The slumps is our bread and butter, kid.
Beat.
Tootsy, doll?
TOOTSY TAYLOR Yes, Mr. Muster sir?
MUSTER Bring this poor fellar to the Rousty cargo. Get him situated.
Beat.
The rest of you, get on with it! We don’t got all the day light in the world here!
The rest of the carnival crew begins to dissipate.
EVERLY WAIT! WAIT! I JUST WANTED MY DAMN HAT. NOT A JOB!
TOOTSY TAYLOR That’s okay darling, I’ll take real good care of you. I promise. I don’t bite. Not OOOONE bit!
Tootsy drags Everly off by the suspenders.
MUSTER and the RALPH the BARKER remain.
RALPH the BARKER Think he’ll shape up to a good’n?
MUSTER Don’t matter to me, that’s not why I’m keepin’ him.
RALPH the BARKER And why is that?
MUSTER Because, I know exactly his line of work and it might just suit us to pluck them feathers off that little Cornish hen.
RALPH the BARKER Come again?
Muster hands Ralph the Barker a wanted flyer with Everly’s face plastered flat dab on the front.
MUSTER Fill our pockets beyond our means?
RALPH the BARKER That so?
MUSTER I do believe we are about to fall in to a large sum of cash by the time we leave this red-dirt town.
RALPH BARKER Whatever you say, Muster.
MUSTER Say, speaking of plucks. Think Toots might like to get herself a pluck?
RALPH the BARKER By you? Not a chance in hell.
MUSTER Well you don’t have to say it like that. Man needs his needs met every once in a while, no harm or foul in asking.
RALPH the BARKER You know Toots, she’ll have a conniption if you even tried.
MUSTER I’ll bet you silver dollar on that.
RALPH the BARKER Bet you don’t want to bet on that.
MUSTER Well god damnit, I am just poking around and trying to have some fun. Loosen’ up why don’t you? We got a looooooong few days ahead of us and I don’t need your grumpy wumpy attitude around here. You hear me, son?
RALPH the BARKER Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loud and clear.
MUSTER Keep a close eye on that boy, Everly.
RALPH the BARKER Whatever you say, boss.
MUSTER Now beat feet. You gotta get Ole’ Rusty up in the clouds.
RALPH the BARKER (yells to the crew of Egress’) ALRIGHT BOYS! HARD HATS AND WRENCHES!
EGRESS’ (O.S.) (grumbling)
RALPH the BARKER exits.
SCENE THREE: EVERLY AND TOOTSY
Lights up downstage right.
The outside of a boxcar trailer sits downstage right.
ENTER EVERLY AND TOOTSY.
TOOTSY Now, sugar. These here parts are where the Rousty-bouts lay their heads at night.
EVERLY Seems a bit…rusty.
TOOTSY Nothing wrong with a little rust. Good for the bones.
EVERLY Look, Toots/
TOOTSY Tootsy.
EVERLY Right. Tootsy. Look, I don’t belong round here, in fact, I’m not sure I belong anywhere but a grave if’n your speakin’ to some folk. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to duck out of this place sooner than a hunter’s trap catches a hare foot. I’d appreciate a little hush from you when that time comes.
TOOTSY That’s what everyone says.
EVERLY Look, doll. I ain’t everyone.
TOOTSY And I ain’t your doll.
EVERLY Fair nough. That ugh, short feller, one with the get up, runnin’ the show?
TOOTSY Mr. Muster?
EVERLY That’s the one. Where’s his courters?
TOOTSY That’s private information.
EVERLY You don’t seem the private type.
TOOTSY Me and my type are none of your concern. I am simply here, Mr. Everly, to escort you to your sleeping cargo. And looks to me I’ve already done my job. So, whatever plans you have of jettin’ out of here, unseen, that’s none of my concern.
EVERLY What do you concern yourself with?
TOOTSY That, Mr. Everly, will go unseen. Unless’n you decide to stick around.
TOOTSY saunters off-stage.
EVERLY Fire and brimstone, that one is.
EVERLY cracks open the door to the Cargo Container and peaks inside.
Dismal, decayed and dreary. That’s all I have to stay to that.
He slams the door shut, plops on the stoop, takes his hat off and waves his face feverishly.
(yelling) COULDN’T PICK A BREEZY CAPE COD TO DUMP MY ASS?!?
A huge gust of wind picks up once more, flinging Everly’s hat across stage.
NOT AGAIN!
He rushes after it.
ENTER RALPH the BARKER.
The hat settles.
RALPH picks it up.
EVERLY stops dead in his tracks.
RALPH the BARKER This ones on the run.
EVERLY (nervously) What was that?
RALPH the BARKER Hats too big for your head, I think.
EVERLY Oh yes. (snatches his hat back) This old thing.
RALPH the BARKER Boss wants you at the rig.
EVERLY I don’t know what that is.
RALPH the BARKER (points to the barely constructed Roller Coaster) That’s what it is. (hands Everly a hammer) Don’t lose it.
Ralph exits.
EVERLY (yelling after him) I haven’t the slightest clue how to build/
Before he can finish his sentence ENTER TRUMPET KID and CLOWN on the two seater-bicycle with a wagon filled with hats attached.
Say! You two were the one’s got me into the mess! Now, what on earth are you doing lugging around all these hats?
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN simply continue traversing the stage with their bicycle.
I asked you a question. It’s very rude not to reciprocate with a well-informed and articulate answer.
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN continue peddling in silence.
What a bunch of rabble rousers!
A gust of wind comes again, snatching once more, Everly’s hat from his hands.
He goes to chase it, but before he can grab it, CLOWN snatches it and peddles off stage as TRUMPET KID blows a toot on his horn.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BLESSED KIDDING ME!
EVERLY throws the hammer to the ground.
RALPH the BARKER (O.S.) GET ON WITH IT, EVERLY! WE AIN’T GOT ALL DAY!
EVERLY reluctantly picks up the hammer and exits stage.
SCENE FOUR: EVERLY and OLE’ RUSTY
A gaggle of Carnival folk are gathered round a god awful mess of a construction site.
RESIDENT BARKER conducts the group.
ENTER EVERLY like a kid forced to do the dishes on chore day.
RALPH the BARKER Nice of you to join us.
EVERLY Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RALPH the BARKER Why don’t you take a stab at this section?
EVERLY Didn’t that kid with the horn say the coaster was already whirlin? He told me not but this mornin’ to go take a spin myself.
RALPH the BARKER Gets em everytime.
EVERLY You mean to say he was just pulling a/
RALPH the BARKER Boss ain’t gonna be happy with you gabbin’ all day when we gots work to do.
EVERLY Well. To be severely honest with you. I’m not really much of a handyman/
RALPH the BARKER Hammer don’t bite, I promise.
EVERLY You get your ya-ya’s out on this stuff, don’t ya?
Ralph just gives Everly a cheeky wink.
Wonderful.
EVERLY makes his way through the gaggle of EGRESS workers. He greets them all with his sales pitch voice.
How ya’ doin? Wowee, look at you. Quite a punch you got there. Afternoon’ to ya. Never’ been one for muscles myself. (to EGRESS 1) Say, how you learn a skill like this? Bet you had a good ole’ pop to teach ya, huh?
EGRESS 1 Don’t know, don’t care.
EVERLY SoRRRy. Just tryin’ to make a little conversation- make the time go by.
EVERLY searches for a place to insert a nail.
Once he finds a spot, he positions the nail, but re-adjusts.
Once more he positions the nail, and yet again re-adjusts.
This goes on for a while.
EGRESS 1 Would you hammer the damn nail in already?
EVERLY But, you see it’s a very calculated/
EGRESS 1 Put the damn nail in the damn wood!
EVERLY smacks the hammer, but misses the nail.
He loses control of the hammer and it falls to the ground.
EVERLY AHHH Shoot. Now, see I told you there is quite a particular precision that goes in to how one hammers a nail into a plank of wood. See, what willy-nilly-ness gets you?
EGRESS 1 stares at EVERLY while continuing to hammer in his/her nail.
Well now you are just showing off. How dreadfully tawdry of you.
EVERLY picks up his hammer and nail.
I think I’d rather work on THIS side.
EVERLY shifts sides, but he’s really not that much farther away from EGRESS.
There. Better.
EVERLY returns to the nail positioning as before, this time being allowed all the time in the world to position and re-position his nail without some nosey goose watching over him.
This seems about right.
He winds up for a big hammer swing, misses yet again, however this time smashing his thumb as a result.
OWWWWWW!!!
The hammer yet again drops.
EVERLY dances about in pain.
Wooooooooooyeeeeeeeee!!! I think that hit bone!
Now, all the other EGRESS’s laugh in muffled earshot.
This is not a laughing matter, I say! I’ve been seriously injured.
EVERLY sucks his thumb.
The laughs grow a little louder.
EVERLY picks his hammer up and his nail and once again shifts sides.
Can’t a man do his work in peace?
Before EVERLY can even begin positioning his nail, a pale of water spills from above his head, drenching him below.
COME ON!!!
EGRESS 2 (sarcastically) Sorry bout’ that, Buddy! Didn’t see you there!
All the Egress have a hay day over this.
EVERLY RUDE! All of you! Just down right rude. And to think I’d donate my time to help you out! PAAAAAAHHH!
EVERLY marches off to the corner in furious anger and dilapidated defeat.
(talking to the hammer as if it were a real person) What lousy fools are they. Sincerely. I have never, in all my days, seen such rude fools as they! Baffled. Baffling. I am baffled by their conduct!
MUSTER de BOUIS magically appears.
MUSTER Not much for manual labor, I see?
EVERLY (startled) Huh?
MUSTER No matter. Let the lowlies do the grunt work. Am I right?
EVERLY …My skills rest in other areas…if that’s what you mean to say.
MUSTER And what kind of skills would you say you excel at particularly, Mr. Everly Heart?
EVERLY Well, I fancy myself a fine communicator of words and wisdoms. I like to think I have a knack with folks of all kinds. That is (yelling toward the groups of EGRESSES) IF THEY DON’T RUSSTLE MY FEATHERS!
MUSTER Don’t mind them, they’re a one track kind of folk. Not much in the way of intellect and such. Well, unfortunately, we’ve already got ourselves a Barker, so we won’t be needing your services in that matter.
EVERLY Who? That blunt baboon?
MUSTER Ralph’s been with me on the road for over a decade.
EVERLY Don’t mean to speak out of turn, but I don’t see why. He’s got about as much fin’es as that Coaster has charm.
MUSTER Loyalty, son. This business is nothing if not the loyalty of your hired guns. But, I presume that word don’t rest easy with you, now does it? Loyalty.
EVERLY Now, you wait just a minute! No one ever asked you to make assumptions on my character/
MUSTER I’m only jostlin’ your jaw. (beat) NOW! Here’s a thought! Why don’t we throw you in with the shit shovelers?
EVERLY I BEG YOUR PARDON!
MUSTER NOW, now. Only till’ we get this Coaster up in the air and then I think I’ll have the perfect place for you to put your skills to great use.
EVERLY Temporary?
MUSTER Temporary. We all gotta make ends meet, somehow and this’ll be a start for you. A good start.
EVERLY Well…I may or may not be low on my luck. AT THIS MOMENT. And well…Ah, hell. TEMPORARY!
MUSTER You have my word.
They shake hands.
Now, you’ll want to get yourself a good pair of worker’s gloves and waders.
EVERLY Waders?
MUSTER I take it you’ve never been in a pig’s trough?
EVERLY (sarcastically) Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.
MUSTER (whistles to an Egress) Come on over and show Mr. Everly Heart here the troughs. Fix him up with gloves and waders and show him the ropes.
EGRESS 1 reluctantly takes EVERLY off stage.
MUSTER reaches in his pocket for a Praline Candy.
Unravels the wrapper and plops the candy in his mouth and throws the wrapper on the ground.
He chuckles and exits.
SCENE FIVE: THE TROUGHS
Lights up on an empty mud pit fenced off with wire and wood posts.
ENTER EGRESS 1 followed begrudgingly by EVERLY who wears a pair of rubber waders and holds a rusty shovel.
EGRESS 1 The troughs.
EGRESS 1 exits.
EVERLY WAIT/
Beat.
I’m getting awfully tired of this up’n leavin’ business.
EVERLY shuffles ever-so cautiously over to the fence.
He peaks his head over and takes a look, but gets a whiff of something fierce instead.
WOOOOEEEEEEE! What are they feeding these porkchops?
EVERLY tries to find a way to protect his nostrils from this overly- offensive stench.
He tries a forearm shield. Nope. That doesn’t work.
He tries to shove his face into the collar of his shirt. Nope. That’s just ridiculous. Who can get anything done like that?
His last attempt is a rather difficult aerobic pose that probably wouldn’t work even if he WAS a contortionist.
During this absurd attempt, CLOWN and TRUMPET KID enter on foot.
They watch, silently.
Eventually, EVERLY falls face into the troughs.
Subsequently, TRUMPET KID lets out a sad blurp on the trumpet.
EVERLY GREAT! You too!
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN go to EVERLY and lift him up.
EVERLY pulls out a handkerchief from his breast pocket and attempts to swipe off some of the pig poop from his face.
TRUMPET KID (sincerely) You missed a little.
EVERLY shoots TRUMPET KID a glare.
(lying) But, you can’t even tell a difference
EVERLY It’s no use!
EVERLY throws the handkerchief to the ground.
CLOWN picks up the handkerchief and presents it back to EVERLY.
EVERLY for the first time, graciously accepts the offer of kindness.
You’re a good fellow.
CLOWN smiles and exits excitedly.
TRUMPET KID I hear you’re plannin’ an escape.
EVERLY And I hear you’re a little fools gold fibber.
TRUMPET KID I only tell fibs when I gotsta.
EVERLY That’s a bad habit.
TRUMPET KID Just like runnin’ away?
EVERLY Come again?
CLOWN returns with two shovels in each hand.
He throws one to TRUMPET KID who catches it mid air.
What’s this?
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN climb into the troughs.
TRUMPET KID Came to help you.
EVERLY Help me? Well, I don’t want help.
TRUMPET KID Don’t want it, but could use it.
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN dig their shovels into the mud.
EVERLY watches for some time.
EVERLY Ahh, hell.
He cautiously climbs back in to the troughs.
EVERLY, TRUMPET KID and CLOWN dig in silence while lights fade.
END OF SCENE.
SCENE SIX: SLEEPIN’ UNDER STARS
Oil lamp and Moonlight on the inside of the Roustabout Cargo Container.
There are several blankets and pillows with bodies taking up their personal resting places all clustered up.
ENTER EVERLY still muddied from a hard days work in the troughs.
He quietly tiptoes around the bodies searching for an extra pillow and blanket, or simply a sliver of space to get some shut eye.
Nothing.
He attempts to squeeze himself in between two EGRESS’s.
EGRESS 3 Bug off!
EGRESS 4 Tryin’ to get some shut eye, here!
EVERLY Well, I’d like some of that too!
EGRESS 1 Put a cork in it over there!
EVERLY scrambles up and furiously storms off stage.
He re-enters the opposite side of the stage where a solo soapbox rests in the dirt illuminated by the moonlight.
He throws himself atop the soapbox grumpily.
EVERLY Might be the right time to make a run for it, seein’ as though sleep ain’t an option.
He gets up off his soapbox and wanders the stage.
ENTER RALPH the BARKER in darkness. He spies on EVERLY.
So dark I can’t see which ways what.
A big gust of wind picks up.
This damn wind out here’ll make a man go mad in the melon.
The wind gets ever powerful, kicking up dust and whirling EVERLY about.
RALPH the BARKER passes by EVERLY a shadowy figure that causes EVERLY to shriek in fear.
WHO’S THERE!?
The wind continues to create a red cloud surrounding EVERLY.
RALPH the BARKER circles around EVERLY while EVERLY searches for the soapbox to ward off the figure.
I’M WARNING YOU!
Once he finds the soapbox he holds it up like a shield.
IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF LARK, I’M NO ADMIRER!
RALPH the BARKER exits.
The wind settles.
EVERLY is left alone covered in a film of red dirt holding the soapbox with a furious grip.
EVERLY I’m beginning to think if I’d be better of dead.
Lights fade.
BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
SCENE SEVEN: RISE AND SHINE
Dawn lights up the same setting as the night before.
EVERLY is seen passed out, propped up on the soapbox, snoring.
The EGRESSES remain asleep in their Roustabout cargo.
ENTER CLOWN wearing a paper bag over their head with cut out eyes. CLOWN is in a state of frantic undress.
CLOWN runs to EVERLY and attempts to rattle him away.
It doesn’t work.
Maybe he tries tickling him next, or taking EVERLY’s shoes off. But, nothing seems to do the trick.
A ROOSTER crows.
EVERLY jolts awake, sees CLOWN, and screams bloody murder.
EVERLY (still in a dream state) NO! NO! I AIN’T READY, LORD! IT AIN’T MY TIME!
CLOWN lifts the bag a little to reveal that it is they and not the grim reaper.
Well Jelly on Toast you ole’ rascal! What’s the meaning of scaring me half to death before I can even set my eyes on day light?
CLOWN begins pantomiming their crisis. Something about hair and the wind and the dust and it poofing like a poodle then collapsing like a popped balloon.
Slow down, slow down!
CLOWN repeats the same pantomime but at about a quarter of the speed.
I still ain’t followin.’
CLOWN now repeats the same pantomime in extreme slow motion.
He then runs off stage and returns with EVERLY’s briefcase.
HEY! That’s mine, where on earth you been hiding it? How did you. When did you.
CLOWN motions for EVERLY to open it.
Alright, Alright hold your honkers.
EVERLY flips through the number wheel entering the briefcase’s code.
The briefcase pops open revealing an array of POMADE tins before CLOWN.
EVERLY Now, I’ve got every kind of pomade you could’a magine. Stiff pom, smooth pom, clean pom, and glue pom. I take it you’re a stiff pom kinda’ type? For all them spikes and flipidy do’s in your locks? Keepin’ up appearances is my business and boy am I in business with this dew you got here. Beat.
If I’m gonna help you, I’ll need you to remove that paper bag you got hiding your little problem up there.
The clown hesitantly obeys, removing the bag to reveal a jerry-curl disaster.
CLOWN begins to cry.
Why the long face, my friend? I seen a lot of hair in my day and you got good hair…on occasion you don’t get yourself swept up in a dust storm. Just in need of a little repair is all. How’s about this? You take this here pom and go in to your dressing quarters, boxcar or tent or wherever it is you get yourself all gussied up for a show and try it out. Free of charge. You like it? You buy it. You don’t, then you don’t pay a cent, but I promise you’ll regret it.
Everly hands Clown a tin of pomade.
Let me guess you been puttin’ Studebaker grease in them pretty locks, haven’t ya?
Clown nods.
And consequently, you’ve been smelling up the whole joint?
Clown bows head in shame.
It’s not your fault, friend. It’s simply a matter of ignorance is all.
Clown gestures a WHAT?!
Ohhhhhh not that kind of Ignorance! The good kind!
Clown is still confused.
You mean to say, you ain’t heard of GOOD ignorance?
The clown shakes head.
Well, you see GOOD ignorance is all about the humility of all mankind. I think it is safe to say you feel embarrassed right now, am I safe in assuming that?
Clown nods. Then that embarrassment is merely a result of a humility to your own ignorance, and from that, my friend, you are deserving of knowledge. And this here tin of Pomade is the truth in which you seek.
Clown is very excited by this.
That’s the spirit! Now get on with it and try it out! I’d appreciate a good recommendation too.
Clown skips off happily.
Ignorance. Get’s em every time.
Everly takes a bit of Pomade for himself and smothers it in his palm. He takes a big wiff of it then smears it through his hair.
Good stuff. (beat) Welp Everly, what’s on the agenda for the day? Oh. That’s right. Another day shoveling shit, gettin’ browbeaten by some barking bully, and other back-breaking blunderbusses reckoned by the devil himself. Stay tuned for more on Everly Heart and the no-good Carnival of hell.
Suddenly a lusterous song is heard in the distance.
Everly perks up.
Now, that’s something.
Everly is moved to follow the song.
Heaven don’t seem so far away when you’re presented with a sound like that.
His body takes control, moving him gracefully about.
What a delightful sensation.
Everly falls into a trance as he closes his eyes and begins to fluidly move about the stage.
Where on earth is that sweet, sweet melody to the tune of ‘yes please’ coming from?
TOOTSY TAYLOR is rolled on stage in a steal washbasin. She lufas her body with soapsuds as she sings Billy Holiday’s “All of Me.”
EVERLY wakes from his trance and sees TOOTSY bathing.
LORD!
He looks away.
He looks back.
MY, MY…
He looks away again.
EVERLY, you know better!
He peaks once more over his shoulder.
But, what a sight…
Enter MUSTER just behind EVERLY.
MUSTER What a sight indeed.
EVERLY (startled) HEY NOW!
MUSTER Ole’ Toots got a knack for driving a man wild, you know?
EVERLY Yeah, well. If I weren’t mistaken, I might just think your were a wild man, just appearin’ and poppin’ up all kinds like you do.
MUSTER Some men say she done sent them to heaven and hell then back again.
EVERLY That’s just fine for them.
MUSTER You ain’t interested?
EVERLY Hadn’t crossed my mind.
EVERLY turns his back to MUSTER and watches TOOTSY just a little bit more.
MUSTER (whispers in Everly’s ear) It’s a ride of a lifetime. MUSTER disappears.
During the following, TOOTSY is wheeled off stage without Everly’s noticing.
EVERLY Now, why on earth does everyone keep thinking that line’ll/
Beat.
(sarcastically) Vanished! Again! Surprise, surprise.
He looks back to TOOTSY who is no longer there.
OHHH! And you too now, is that right? Every gah-damn person in this place got a way of rubbing a man’s reality raw as a cattle hide!
EVERLY exits stage having a conniption fit with himself.
BLACKOUT. END OF SCENE.
SCENE EIGHT: BACK AT THE TROUGHS
Lights up on the Troughs. EVERLY, CLOWN, and TRUMPET KID are seen shoveling manure in their waders.
EVERLY All I’m saying is, there’s something funny about the man. “Man.” If you can even call him that.
TRUMPET KID Don’t rightfully know what you speak of, Mr. Everly.
EVERLY What? Surely you’ve seen it! The man is down right sinister. There’s somethin just ain’t right about him, and I intend to find out.
TRUMPET KID That’s your prerogative, I suppose.
EVERLY (to Clown) And what about you? Nothin’ suspicious you ever caught him doin?
CLOWN has a look of sheer terror, like a deer caught in the headlights or an ant under a magnifying glass.
Looks like you got somethin’ to say/ TRUMPET KID (scolding Everly) What did we talk about?
EVERLY Oh. Darn. Slipped my mind completely. Clown, I do apologize. I did not mean to offend. Now, looks like you got something to…
He looks to TRUMPET KID for reassurance.
Non-verbally…communicate…?
TRUMPET KID gives EVERLY a thumbs up.
Non-verbally communicate!
CLOWN has the stage, so to speak.
They wind up like a pitcher does before a game winning strike. However, right before they begin to pantomime their EPIC STORY…
RALPH THE BARKER (O.S.) EVERLY! GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE!
EVERLY Oohhp! (to Clown) Hold that thought!
EVERLY drops his shovel, crawls under the wire fence of the troughs and runs off stage towards RALPH the BARKER.
CLOWN holds their big position, frozen in time.
TRUMPET KID You know he didn’t mean literally, right?
CLOWN thinks on this. Realizes. And releases their frozen pose.
CLOWN goes back to shoveling.
Hey Clown?
CLOWN stops.
We can’t go slippin’ nothing to Everly, you know that right?
CLOWN is confused.
Nothing about, (whispers) well, you know who.
CLOWN is still confused.
TRUMPET KID tries to do their best MUSTER impression.
CLOWN gets it now.
You know what’ll happen to us.
CLOWN’s legs start to visibly quiver.
Remember?
CLOWN’s legs quiver even more visibly now.
He’s got eyes and ears everywhere.
CLOWN, still quivering, looks around both shoulders, under his legs, makes a full circle around himself.
Now, we like Everly, right?
CLOWN nods.
But, what do we like more?
CLOWN looks up dramatically to their head.
That’s right.
RALPH the BARKER (O.S.) (to Trumpet Kid) YOU! With the horn! It’s lunch hour!
TRUMPET KID Oh shoot!
TRUMPET KID throws down their shovel, hops out of the troughs, and blows their trumpet sounding for lunch.
TRUMPET KID exits.
CLOWN is left alone scared out of their wits.
They feel their tummy to see if they’re hungry, NOPE! The fear is too much they might vomit thinking of food.
They continue shoveling, cautiously.
MUSTER appears artfully in the shadows of CLOWN’s suspicious glances.
MUSTER sneaks up behind CLOWN and ever- so slyly taps them on the shoulder.
CLOWN goes flailing in the air, shovel and all, and then cur-plunks in the manure.
MUSTER Woooah now! You got ant’s in your pants and kipper’s in your knickers, don’t you? It’s just your ole’ pal, Muster. Nothing to get your waders in a wallop.
CLOWN is no less frazzled.
Come, now. Let me help you up.
MUSTER extends his hand to CLOWN. CLOWN reluctantly grabs it.
MUSTER pulls CLOWN up.
See you been helpin’ out our new fellar, Everly?
CLOWN half nods.
You know what? I can’t say you and I have had much of a chat before, now have we?
CLOWN shakes their head no.
You hungry?
CLOWN emphatically shakes their head no.
MUSTER pulls out a praline candy from his pocket.
You sure you don’t want one? They’re just delightful.
CLOWN aversely accepts MUSTER’s offering.
They both silently unwrap their praline candies.
MUSTER pops his in his mouth with joy.
CLOWN follows suit but immediately spits it out.
Not a fan of the praline, are we? Well, that’s a shame. A damn shame.
Beat.
You see clown, I have a very diverse background. Very diverse. Before running my show here I was a steam boat operator down in New Orleans, and before that a Tailor for a very high end fashionable establishment called the Faux Paux in the Fingerlings. I've been a farmer and a card dealer, a peace justice officer and a midwife, if you can believe it. But in all my years, I have never been a traveling salesman. And I never will be. You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. You see, clown. Traveling salesmen have a reputation. You know what kind of reputation I'm speaking of? The kind that’s up to no good. A kind that stinks to high heaven and in it’s wake lies DECEIT!
CLOWN shudders.
THIEVERY!
CLOWN shudders once more.
AND EVEN…
MUSTER gets real close to CLOWN.
(whispers) Murder.
CLOWN coils in themselves.
It demands a kind of redemption that quite frankly I do not have the time nor patience for. You hear? Now, this man Everly. You have taken a liken’ to him I have noticed? And what is it that Mr. Everly Heart DOES for a living? (Beat) That’s right. He’s a man not to be trusted. And before you go and mime your way back to Everly--you and I are gonna play a little game.
CLOWN does not like the sound of this.
Now, Clown. What is it in this world that you are absolutely the most talented at? Is it blowin’ up balloon animals?
CLOWN retrieves a balloon from their pocket and joyfully attempts to make a giraffe.
The balloon pops.
Nope, surely not that. Certainly not that. (beat) Now, what about avoiding pies to the face?
Out of nowhere a pie flies straight into Clowns face.
Ouuuuuch. No, that can’t be it. (beat) Oh I know! How about singing a lovely song? Let’s say to the tune of Ode To Joy?
Clown is very nervous to open his/her mouth.
Doesn’t hurt to try.
Clown slowly inches their mouth open little by little. They take a deep breathe. But, alas, nothing comes out.
How about you give it another shot?
Clown attempts once more to produce sound.
Nothing.
Muster grabs clown by their giant bow and pulls them in close and threatening.
That, my dear clown is the only thing you’re good at it. Keepin’ quiet! And you will keep quiet about our little conversation now, won’t you?
Clown nods.
Muster releases his grip on Clown.
And you’ll promise me you won’t go finding your voice round’ Everly, correct?
Clown nods even larger.
You know what happens to heroes round’ here, don’t you Clown?
Clown becomes stunned with memory.
Peaches was a hero wasn’t she?
Clown can’t answer.
I asked you a question.
Clown refuses to answer.
Don’t be a hero, Clown. I’m warning you.
Clown inches towards a nod in their head.
What was that?
Clown nods their head furiously then runs away off stage.
Remember, Clown! Heroes never win at Mr. Muter Dubois’
MUSTER grabs another praline candy from his pocket, pops it his mouth, and suckles sinisterly as he exits.
BLACKOUT. END OF SCENE.
SCENE NINE: LUNCH HOUR
LIGHTS UP on a few scattered picnic tables.
All the EGRESS’ sit at one table. All the performers, TOOTSY, TRUMPET KID, the TRIPLETS, and ACE PHALOUS sit at another.
RALPH the BARKER and EVERLY sit at a table downstage, alone. Lights should be focused on them.
They eat their slop-soup and talk in private.
RALPH the BARKER Closing in on securing the last planks of ole’ rusty.
EVERLY That so?
RALPH the BARKER That is.
EVERLY …(under his breath) Well, ain’t you the first-swathe fandango.
RALPH the BARKER Say, why was it you were kicked out in the middle o’ nowhere again?
EVERLY Never said.
RALPH the BARKER Gotta be a reason why.
EVERLY What’s with the cryptics?
RALPH the BARKER Just a curious feller is all.
EVERLY Well, I’d suggest you keep them curiosities pointed in another direction.
RALPH the BARKER You think you’re some kind of Civilizee, don’t ya?
EVERLY I don’t think I’m nothin’ but what I chose to show you. That’s what I think.
RALPH the BARKER Maybe just a coffee boiler.
EVERLY And maybe I just plain don’t like you.
RALPH the BARKER Then we can agree on one thing. (beat) Talk is, your gonna for my job.
EVERLY Well talk is cheap.
RALPH the BARKER And so’s your little act.
EVERLY I’m just a shit shoveller, member?
EVERLY picks up his soup slop bowl and goes to sit with the rest of the performers.
RALPH the BARKER And you’ll be shoveling shit to the end of your days, Everly Heart.
RALPH slings his slop across the table and exits.
Lights shift and focus on the performers table where EVERLY now sits.
TRIPLET 1 Well that was/
TRIPLET 2 Quiet an exit/
TRIPLET 3 Wasn’t it?
TOOTSY Mind your three-headed business.
TRIPLET 1 Well/
TRIPLET 2 I/
TRIPLET 1 and 3 We/
TRIPLET 1 Never!
TOOTSY Everything alright, Everly?
EVERLY Just a little hot headed flabber gasting, nothing to get wadded up about.
TRUMPET KID You coming to the show tonight, Mr. Everly?
EVERLY (endearingly) Wouldn’t miss it for the world!
Everyone gets excited about Everly’s attendance.
TRUMPET KID I’ve been practicin’ like you said.
EVERLY That so?
TRUPMET KID I’ll make sure to play REAL good for you!
TOOTSY (to Everly) So you ain’t gonna introduce us? TRIPLET 1 Sounds like/
TRIPLET 2 He’d rather/
TRIPLET 3 Keep shoveling/
TRIPLET 1,2,3 Shit!
They laugh.
TOOTSY knocks them upside the head, each one bumps into the next like a domino effect.
TOOTSY Knock if off, why don’t ya? Man’s got ears and a brain, unlike you pinheads. Now, Everly sweetheart, if you want my opinion, that Ralph? He’s tiring out. Been doing the job far too long and if you think you might could do it better, you should give it a real go!
EVERLY Sorry Toots, s’not that easy.
TOOTSY Why sure it is. Heck, you think I like dancing the hoochy-cooch? I’d sell my soul to be one of them trapeze art-eests. ‘Stead I been payin’ my dues as the resident tease-show floozy for over three years. (beat) Dear Lord, has it really ben that long?
TRIPLET 1 You think/
TRIPLET 1, 2, 3 We/
TRIPLET 3 Enjoy/
TRIPLET 2 Singing the/
TRIPLET 1 Same/
TRIPLET 2 Tired/
TRIPLET 1 Ole/
TRIPLET 3 Ballads?
TRIPLET 1, 2, 3 Yawn!
TOOTSY What about you, Ace baby? Ain’t you ever dreamed of bein’ somethin’ else?
ACE’s head is fast asleep with a spoon dangling from its mouth.
TRUMPET KID I think he fell asleep again.
TOOTSY (shaking Ace) Wake up, Ace! You’re gonna choke on your stew, honey!
ACE PHALOUS Huh?! What I’d miss?!
TOOTSY Ace, honey, you gotta get that checked out.
EVERLY Look, everyone. I had my hay-day, went through all the rigga-ma-roles, made a good penny or two, had me a bit o’ fame even, but now I’m thinkin’ I ought settle on down and find me a steady minded life.
TOOTSY Doll, their ain’t nothing steady minded about the carnival life.
EVERLY Well maybe it ain’t, but I’ll find that out on my own time. (beat)
EVERLY goes to exit.
I’ll be cheering you on tonight from the alcoves.
EVERLY exits.
TOOTSY Golly, opening night and Ole’ Rusty ain’t even on her tracks yet.
TRIPLET 1 Time/
TIPLET 2 Is/
TRIPLET 3 Ticking!
ACE PHALOUS Ain’t no doubt in my mind, she’ll get rollin’ and that Everly boy’ll get his time to shine.
TOOTSY You think? You really think?
ACE PHALOUS Ain’t I tell forturnes?
TRIPLET 1, 2,3 Hardly!
TOOTSY For crying out loud! Must you always be gabbing your mouths like that?
TRIPLET 1 Least/
TRIPLET 2 We/
TRIPLET 3 Ain’t/
TRIPLET 1 Hoochin round/
TIPLET 1,2,3 Like you!
TOOTSY, now furious, begins pulling and ribbing at the TRIPLET’s hair.
TOOTSY TRIPLET 1,2,3 I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU BOBBLE HEADS! AGHHHH!!!! GET OFF US! YOU’RE ACT IS CHEAP AND YOUR QUIPS YOU FILTHY FLOOZY ARE EVEN CHEAPER! YOU WANNA SEE BOOZY OF A HOOCHIE CHOOCHIE! WOMAN! HARRASMENT! I’LL SHOW YOU HOOCHIE! ASSAULT! VIOLENCE!
Everyone attempts to extract TOOTSY from the TRIPLETS. It’s a struggle.
Suddenly, a gust of wind picks up. A lone paper floats on stage and lands on the picnic table.
The ruckus stops.
ACE picks up the paper and reads aloud.
ACE AS DEEMED BY THE CIMMARON COUNTY SHERRIFS DEPARTMENT, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT EVERLY HEART…
Beat.
ACE IS A WANTED MAN/
ALL (GASP!)
TRIPLET 1 EVERLY/
TRIPLET 2 HEART/
TRIPLET 3 WANTED?
TRUMPET KID Shhhhhhh!!
ACE ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN THIS MAN PLEASE REPORT HIM TO THE SHERIFFS DEPARTMENT AT THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS (silently reads address) A REWARD OF $500 WILL BE GRANTED.
TOOTSY faints.
TRIPLET 2 Serves/
TRIPLET 1 Her/
TRIPLET 3 Right.
ACE For crying out loud, Toots!
CLOWN begins to silently cry.
TRUMPET KID (consoling Clown) I’m sure it’s just a mis-understandin’ is all.
ACE You’re right, kid. Somethin’ just ain’t smellin’ so good.
TRIPLET 1 We’ve only/
TRIPLET 2 Known him/
TRIPLET 3 A few weeks/
TRIPLET 1 Could be/
TRIPLET 2 A real life/
TRIPLET 1,2,3 Murderin’ Man.
TRUMPET KID Everly’s no murderer! He’s my friend.
ACE Well, Kid hate to break it to ya, but some o’ the nicest folks got the darkest demons.
CLOWN gets scared by the prospect of demons.
TRUPMET KID You shouldn’t scare Clown like that.
TOOTSY comes back to life.
TOOTSY MY WORD…what happened?
ALL Everly’s a wanted man.
TOOTSY WHAT!/
TRUMPET KID Please don’t faint again.
TOOTSY Well that’s just down right hearsay. He may be a little goose-footed, but he’s just a dandy is all. He certainly ain’t no criminal that’s for sure. (grabbing the paper) Where’d this lousy piece of paper come from anyway?
TRUPMET KID Just blew in.
TOOTSY Anyone else know about this, you think?
ACE I think I gotta purty good idea as to who might know a thing or two.
TOOTSY NO! You don’t think/
TRIPLET 1 Wouldn’t/
TRIPLET 2 Put it/
TRIPLET 3 Past him.
TOOTSY You think Muster’s brewin’ up a plan o’ his?
ACE Could be.
TOOTSY Well you’re the gosh-darn fortune teller, why don’t you do your ticket and find out?!
ACE Ain’t that easy, Toots honey. Been trying for years to pin that mind o’ Muster’s down, but he’s got locks on that thing like it were the Sistine Chapel.
TOOTSY Well, what are we gonna do?
ACE You could talk to Ralph? Bet he knows a thing or two. Maybe. You. Could. You know…
TOOTSY What’s your meaning?
They all look to Tootsy figure.
HEY NOW! Just you wait one minute. I ain’t some two-bit whore goin’ round gettin’ certified secret information outta folks with my womanly sensibilities! You think I’m that stupid, do you? To think I even stick around this god forsaken shit hole of a Big Top. It’s out of the gah-damn/
CLOWN interrupts TOOTSY’s rant with a very detailed pantomime regarding their idea to spy on Ralph the Barker after opening night.
ACE Good thinkin! He’ll never suspect the Clown. NOW! For the time being, all of you better keep your lips zipped up tighter than a tight rope! We don’t need this leaking out all over camp, you hear? If Muster is truly up to something, and we trust that Everly’s innocent, which who knows at this point, I ain’t gotta a good read on it all just yet, then we best keep hushed up. We could all take a lesson or two from Clown.
CLOWN is flattered.
And whatever you do! Don’t tell Everly NOTHING!
TRIPLET 1,2,3 BUT/
ACE NOT A WORD!
THE TRIPLETS gesture see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.
Tootsy?
No response.
Now, Toots. Don’t go sulking all night over this. I meant nothing by it.
Still no response.
Say, I’ll make it up to you. How’s about I tell you all about your future fame and fortune for old times sake?
TOOTSY (coming around) That might could do.
ACE There’s our girl. (beat) Oh boy, our Everly Heart has sure gotten yourself in quite the predicament.
The wind picks up again.
BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
SCENE TEN: OPENING NIGHT
Lights up on the Big Top all lit up.
Four booths are set up across the stage designated for each performer.
**Note: Each booth should reflect that performer’s personality, shtick, and type of act.
TOOTSY TAYLOR’s- Her sign reads: Feast Your Eyes on the Hoochiest-Coochiest Dame This Side of the Mississippi.
ACE PHALOUS’s- His sign reads: The One, The Only! The Prophet of Cosmic Proportion! Dare to See Your Fate?
THE TRIPLET’s- Their sign reads: Tre Amori! Les trois amours! Twa lanmou yo!
CLOWN AND TRUMPET KID’s- Their sign reads: You’ll Laugh! You’ll Cry! Now, Smack Em’ With A Pie!
ENTER ALL CAST.
MUSTER steps up on a soap box in front of his audience of employees.
MUSTER Ralph! Come on over here and join me!
RALPH the BARKER does so.
It’s been many of years since we’ve all seen ole’ Rusty up in the air, twirling and whirling like the coaster she was meant to be. But, tonight? We’re gonna bring her back to life folks!
MUSTER hands RALPH a the plug end of a long extension cord.
Will you do the honors Mr. Ralph, sir?
RALPH plugs one end of the cord to the other and a Large Roller Coaster Gobo is projected on one of the walls of the theatre.
ALL (hootin’ and hollering excitement)
MUSTER Now, let’s have a good show everyone!
Carnival music is heard.
TOOTSY, ACE, THE TRIPLETS, CLOWN AND TRUMPET KID go to their respective booths and strike a pose.
RALPH the BARKER (giving 0 shits) Ladies and Gentleman. Boys and Girls. Elephants and baboons. You are here tonight to witness the latest. The greatest. The strangest, of them all. A cacophony of sights and wonders that will be the talking points of your year. You can quote me on that. Let it be known that these mysteries of the human species are not for the faint of heart. Nightmares and conniption fits are par for the course. So hold your children tight, your sweethearts tighter and enjoy Mr. Muster DeBois House of Revelries.
First up we’ve got your pie throwing contest with our very own Clown and his associate Trumpet Kid. (to Trumpet Kid) Plays a little tune, won’t ya kid?
TRUMPET KID poots out a little diddy on the trumpet.
Two EGRESS workers enter either side of the stage with Applause signs. They cross one another and exit.
Now, what about aiming one of those lemon meringue pies at this ever so frightened Clown? Any takers?
RALPH works the crowd to convince one audience member to participate in the pie throwing.
Once the pie is thrown enter again the EGRESS’s with their applaud signs, they cross, they exit.
Okay, okay, okay. That was a warm up folks. Our next act will surely be like bees to honey in your ears, but your eyes might need a second look. I present to you, TRE AMORI.
THE TRIPLETS perform a soft shoe as they sing Half as Lovely, Twice as True.
TRIPLET 1,2,3 If your eyes were half as bright They still would light my way If your heart were twice as true Then you'd be mine today That's why I often wish That you were half as lovely, twice as true
I'm only one of those Who thinks of you and sighs Just another who knows Your laughter and lies I wish that you were someone Who was half as lovely, twice as true
I love you, I love you, too much it seems For any fool can see With your heart so crowded with other dreams How can you dream of me?
Though I pray the gods of love Will make you care, somehow Still I know the odds of love Are all against me now
RALPH the BARKER (pretending to cry) Get’s me every time. Ladies and Gentlemen, give these three a round of applause.
The EGRESS’s return with their applaud signs, cross, then exit.
Bravo. Brava. Bellisima.
A cosmically eerie song, something to likes of Henry Cowell’s “The Banshee,” underscores the following.
And now, for something a little different. Have you ever wondered what fates might be in store for you and your kin? Do supernatural cosmos remain a mystery to you? What if I told you I knew a man who could turn your thoughts into realities? Your past into present? Your future into another dimension? THIS my friends is no hoax. I introduce you to the one, the only ACE PHALOUS, THE HEADLESS PROPHET.
The curtain of Ace’s booth is drawn open, revealing ACE sitting yogic and shadowed by fog.
ACE PHALOUS I’m sensing a deep desire in the room. Something…hmmmmmm, that’s odd…
RALPH the BARKER What is it, Ace?
ACE PHALOUS (addressing the audience) Who in this room has a deep desire they would like to explore? I can feel it. Don’t be shy now.
Hopefully an audience member will participate.
If that’s true, Ace will perform a series of “incantations” that are up to the actor and the director’s discretion.
He ends.
The EGRESS’s return with their applaud signs, cross, then exit.
RALPH the BARKER Would you look at that folks. What a marvel. A wonder. Truly a miracle. And now, for our finale. A late night act that will get you goin’ till morning, no doubt. She’s a sharp-shootin vixen from West Texas. Let’s give it up for Miss. Tootsy Taylor, ya’ll.
Music cues for TOOTSY’s act. Perhaps TOOTSY does a Lyra dance while shooting a pop-gun at a target? Or a routine on silks?
She ends.
TOOTSY TALOR, everyone!
The EGRESS’s return with their applaud signs, cross, then exit.
That’s our show folks! But, please stick around! We’ve got Coin Tosses, Water Blasters, Break a Plates, Stand a Bottles, Rainbow Rolls and more! And don’t forget to get your tickets for the ride of a lifetime on the greatest coaster in the panhandle, Ole’ Rusty! Don’t let the name fool ya though, this baby runs smooth as a baby’s bottom! So Step Right Up and let the fun begin!
RALPH breaks his shtick and addresses the performers.
Alright everyone, good work, good work. Toots, keep up them shots, audience loves ya. Triplets, work on that timing, s’not a matinee. Alright folks, we gotta another show coming up in half an hour. So get your smokes in and your tinkles out and be back in twenty.
The performers take their leave as MUSTER enters.
MUSTER How’s the crowd, Ralph?
RALPH the BARKER Warmin’ em’ up, boss.
MUSTER Good, that’s good. That’s real good. Say, you got a sweep on that Everly yet? He ready to jet or are we still golden? Word on the street the officials are planning on “paying us visit” tonight if you catch my drift.
ENTER CLOWN in the shadows. They listen in.
RALPH the BARKER Hard to tell.
MUSTER Hard to tell?
RALPH the BARKER Yeah, boss. That’s what I said.
MUSTER Well I’m not sure I like that answer.
RALPH the BARKER It’s the only one I got so you better like it.
MUSTER What was that? (pulling Ralph in real close) Listen you little cocky bastard, I gave you clear orders to stick to that boys tail and now you’re tellin’ me it’s hard to tell what his next move’ll be? Seems to me you’re slackin’ on the job.
RALPH the BARKER Boss, look I/
MUSTER Seems to me someone outta replace you.
RALPH the BARKER I told you I/
MUSTER Seems to me you ain’t right fit for any job in my book.
Beat.
MUSTER pushes RALPH out of his face.
RALPH the BARKER So that’s it huh?
MUSTER Yeah, that’s it. Everly’ll be replacing you on this next go round’ o’ shows and you can start packing up. I’ll see that you get buss fare to wherever it is you’re goin’ next.
RALPH the BARKER Well I ain’t got nowhere to go, you know that.
MUSTER Ain’t my problem.
RALPH the BARKER Now this is just bullshit and you know it, Muster! I ain’t some shmuck you up and bamboozled into slavin’ for you. I put in my time. I got your god damn piece of shit coaster up in the air in a matter of a week. Oh, and how bout’ them books you’ve been cookin’? What of that? I’m the only one who knows your dirty little secret and I’ll be damned your gonna fire me and leave me out to the wolves like I’m some pistol whipped Boot-licker without me airing out some of that stink to high heaven dirty laundry of yours! You know, you think you’re the biggest toad in the puddle, but I’ll tell you what Muster Debois, one of these days your gonna aknowledge the corn and someone’s gonna bed you down. Mark my words/
MUSTER stabs RALPH in the gut.
Silence.
He twists the knife in deeper.
RALPH falls to the ground. Dead.
MUSTER What was that? I couldn’t hear you.
CLOWN is shocked! They quickly retreat off stage.
MUSTER delicately takes out a handkerchief, swipes his bloody blade clean, and places his handkerchief back into his pocket.
He then takes out a praline candy, pops it into his mouth and dispenses the wrapper onto Ralph’s dead body.
He whistles loudly.
Two EGRESS’s enter and drag Ralph’s body off stage.
MUSTER pulls one more Praline Candy out of his pocket, pops it into his mouth, and disposes the wrapper on the ground.
He whistles as he exits.
BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
SCENE ELEVEN: CLOWN’S FRANTIC RE-TELLING
Lights up on the Troughs.
EVERLY is seen shoveling.
ENTER CLOWN frantic. They try and re-tell the story of what happened to Ralph in three seconds flat. They repeat over and over.
EVERLY Woah, woah, woah! Slow down there killer!
CLOWN shutters at the word killer.
Yeesh! Don’t gotta be so jumpy. Now, take a deep breathe.
CLOWN inhales and exhales dramatically.
And tell me what happened?
CLOWN repeats their sequence of gestures but at about half the speed.
So, you were under the Big Top...
CLOWN nods.
There were two men…
CLOWN nods again.
And then you lost me.
CLOWN frustratingly repeats his gestures in slow motion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I got the first part. Skip to the end.
CLOWN fake stabs themselves in the stomach and falls to the ground dead.
A MURDER!?! Where?! Who!?! Just now?!
CLOWN pops back up and tries to pantomime the Killer, but before he can finish MUSTER enters.
CLOWN hides behind EVERLY.
MUSTER Everly Heart, just the man I came to see.
EVERLY Evening, Muster.
MUSTER How’s the shit shoveling life treatin’ ya?
EVERLY As good as it could I guess.
MUSTER Say, remember when you mentioned that quick wit of yours coming in handy?
EVERLY Vaguely.
MUSTER Well, here’s the thing. I haven’t seen Ralph around since our first show. Must have up and quit, I guess. It’s been a real rough spell on him lately. But, say, you wouldn’t happen to be interested in steppin’ in for him, would ya? That sharp tongue of yours’ll go over real nicely with the crowd. I’m sure of it. (extends his hand out to Everly) What do you say?
CLOWN tries to push EVERLY into a corner shaking their head furiously.
EVERLY Would you get off me, Clown? You can get back to your story later. Now, Muster, you and I don’t like each other all too much/
MUSTER I wouldn’t go as far as to say/
EVERLY HOWEVER, if it means me helping those performers make a buck or two, seein’ as though I know you don’t pay them more than the sweaty nickles tucked under your waist-band, then I’ll take the job.
CLOWN rushes off stage for back-up.
MUSTER My, my, that ones sure in a fright tonight. Must have seen a ghost. (beat) You better hurry now, Everly, show starts in 5 and you gotta get your wardrobe in order. Here’s the keys to Ralph’s dressing quarters, a suit should be hanging up in the wardrobe there with a pair of patent leather shoes to go with it.
EVERLY scrambles to exit.
Wait, now what shoe size are you?
EVERLY Eleven!
MUSTER They’ll fit perfectly! Now beat feet and break legs!
EVERLY is gone.
By hook or by crook, I think you’ve outdone yourself this time, Everly.
He takes a Praline Candy from his pocket, pops it in his mouth, and disposes the wrapper on the ground.
A mighty gust of winds sweeps through stage, knocking MUSTER face down into the dirt.
CURSE THESE WINDS!
He picks himself up, brushes off, and exits.
BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
SCENE TWELVE:
Lights up on the Big Top all lit up.
The four performer’s booths are placed on stage.
TOOTSY, ACE, THE TRIPLETS, TRUMPET KID and CLOWN enter.
They take their place in their booths.
Carnival music is heard.
CLOWN subtly tries to gesture to TRUMPET KID what happened to Ralph and what’s about to happen to EVERLY.
EVERLY enters. He is dapper as ever in his Barker’s suit and patent leather shoes—minus the giant bloodstain on the lapel and inner waistcoat, in which he has yet to notice.
EVERLY (taking spotlight) Ladies and Gentleman. (nervous beat) Boys and Girls. (nervous beat) Elephants and baboons…
He looks to TOOTSY who gives him an encouraging look of confidence.
You are here tonight to witness the latest! The greatest! The strangest, of them all! A cacophony of sights and wonders that will be the talking points of your year. You can quote me on that. Let it be known that these mysteries of the human species are not for the faint of heart. Nightmares and conniption fits are par for the course. So hold your children tight, your sweethearts tighter and enjoy Mr. Muster DeBois House of Revelries!
First up we’ve got a pie throwing, well that doesn’t seem so nice now does it Clown? How’s about this instead, Trumpet Kid you play us that song you’ve been practicing so hard and Clown you can accompany him with a good ole’ hat dance, with my very own flap-jack.
EVERLY tosses CLOWN his hat.
As TRUMPET KID is just about to poot their horn, enter MUSTER from the audience banks with a gaggle of POLICE OFFICERS.
MUSTER (pointing to Everly) STOP THAT MAN!
The police officers push through the audience and grab EVERLY by the wrists, throw his arms behind his back, and cuff him.
TOOTSY EVERLY, NO!
MUSTER Tootsy darlin’ you stay out of this! I’d hate to see you get hurt over/
TOOTSY CHOKE ON A PRALINE YOU WASHED UP STOOGE!
TRIPLET 1 Good/
TRIPLET 2 One/
TRIPLET 3 Toots!
OFFICER 1 Everly Heart, on account of first degree murder and a previous warrant for your arrest regarding Influence Peddling in the state of Arkansas, we hereby hold you under arrest in accordance with the Cimarron County Sheriff’s department.
EVERLY MURDER?! I never murder anyone! The peddling, sure, but is that even a real crime to begin with?
OFFICER 2 You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you/
TOOTSY (noticing the blood on Everly’s coat) Everly…who’s blood is that?
EVERLY looks down at the suit and notices the blood for the first time.
EVERLY Officers! This isn’t my suit, I swear! I was just told to put it on right quick/
MUSTER I’ll tell you who’s blood that is. That suit belonged to Ralph O’Hana, one of the greatest carnival Barker’s you’d ever seen. Everly here was gunning for his job since the day we found him dried up just outside the county line. Something was certainly not right with the boy from the first time I set eyes on him. There’s a kind of hate in his soul that just ain’t right. He pulled the wool over all these poor folks, murdered Ralph, took his job and is rubbing it in our grieving faces by wearing his bloodies suit. That officers, is a true criminal. LOCK HIM UP!
TOOTSY Is that true, Everly?
EVERLY Of course not, Toots! Do I look like a murder to you?
TOOTSY looks him up and down.
I didn’t do it, I swear!
OFFICER 1 Were there any witnesses to the crime?
Silence.
Going once…
Silence.
Going twice…
EVERLY CLOWN!!! Earlier you were trying to tell me something! Something about a murder! Isn’t that right?
CLOWN is frozen cold.
OFFICER 2 A clown’s our witness? I highly doubt that’ll hold up in court.
CLOWN’s whole body begins to shudder.
(to Officer 1) Let’s get to gettin, these freaks are startin’ to give me the willies.
The officers begin hauling EVERLY off stage but, before the can exit…
CLOWN P---P---PRA---PRA---PRAA---PRALINES!
OFFICER 1 (to Officer 2) You hear something?
CLOWN P---P---PRA---PRA---PRAA---PRALINES!
TRUMPET KID CLOWN! YOU CAN TALK?
TOOTSY Well if that ain’t a miracle.
TRIPLET 1 All/
TRIPLET 2 Be/
TRIPLET 3 Damned.
ACE secretly scurries off stage.
OFFICER 2 Why’s it sayin Pralines over and over?
CLOWN The---The---Pra---Praline wrappers! Mmmm…
MUSTER OFFICERS! We got a show to put on, we ain’t got all day to listen to ole’ stutterin’ muffin’ here spit out a few nonsensical words.
OFFICER 1 (to Clown) Praline wrappers? What’s that got to do with this?
CLOWN Mmmm---Mm---Muuu---Muster! Muster/
TRUMPET KID Eats Pralines! I get it now!
OFFICER 2 So, what? I like me a Praline every now and then.
TOOTSY Officer, he eats em’ like their goin’ out of style.
CLOWN A---trr---trail! Offfff---Praline---wrrrrapers!
ACE re-enters.
ACE Officers, I’d suggest you follow me. There’s something you might want to take a look at.
OFFICER 2 stays with EVERLY as OFFICER 1 follows ACE reluctantly off stage.
ACE (O.S.) One wrapper…
Beat.
Two wrappers…
Beat.
Three wrappers. All leading to the scene of the crime.
ACE and OFFICER 1 re-enter.
OFFICER 1 I think we’ve found our prime suspect ladies and gentleman.
OFFICER 1 makes their way to MUSTER grabs him by the wrists…
MUSTER HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MARBLES?!
Throws his arms behind his back…
Now, this is just ridiculous! I’m no criminal! (points to Everly) There’s your criminal!
And cuffs him.
OFFICER 1 Mr. Muster DeBois, you have the right to remain silent. (begins pushing Muster off stage) Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
MUSTER (O.S.) TOOTSY! ACE! SAVE ME! SAVE ME! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOU PANSIES, SPEAK UP FOR ME!
OFFICER 1 (O.S.) You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
MUSTER (O.S.) Ralph was my attorney!
OFFICER 1 (O.S.) Then I guess you shouldn’t have killed him then.
Sirens are heard off stage, loud at first then grow faint.
OFFICER 2 Unfortunately, we still gotta take you in Everly.
EVERLY So influence peddling’s a real crime then?
OFFICER 2 Real as you and me.
EVERLY Fair ‘nough.
OFFICER 2 Bail’ll be posted in the mornin.’
OFFICER 2 and EVERLY exit.
TRUMPET KID WE’ll SAVE YOU EVERLY! I PROMISE!
Silence.
TOOTSY (addressing the audience) We’re real sorry folks. We’ll have to re-fund your tickets for another date/
ACE Seeing as though/
TRIPLET 1 There’s/
TRIPLET 2 Been/
TRIPLET 1,2, 3 A MURDER!
TRUMPET KID And all.
TOOTSY Bet you ain’t never seen a real life bust up at a Carnival before though.
ACE There’s a first for everything.
The performers all exit stage in pairs of hugs and hand holding.
Lights fade.
BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
EPILOGUE: THREE WEEKS LATER
Lights up on the Big Top. It’s daytime. The wind has finally settled and it’s calm as a grandma’s knitting room.
ENTER TOOTSY from the air on a Trapeze.
Rushing in are TRUMPET KID, CLOWN, THE TRIPLETS, and ACE.
TRUMPET KID WOW!
TRIPLET 2 Would/
TRIPLET 1 You/
TRIPLET 3 Look/
CLOWN (point off stage) AT THAT!
The group looks in the direction CLOWN is pointing.
ENTER EVERLY in a white t-shirt and blue jeans.
TRUMPET KID IT’S EVERLY!!!
They all rush over and give EVERLY a giant group hug.
EVERLY Now, now! Let’s not leave poor Toots hanging up there all alone!
He makes his way over to TOOTSY, reaches his arms out for her and she drops into his arms.
(to Tootsy) I see you’ve taken up the Trapeze?
TOOTSY Just started last week. I’m the worst trapeze art-eest you’d ever seen!
They laugh.
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN sneek off stage.
ACE Sorry we couldn’t get you out sooner, Everly.
TOOTSY Been a little tight around here without a manager running things, or a Barker introducing acts, well…you know.
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN re-enter holding a big package.
TRUMPET KID We made you something, Everly. EVERLY Made me something? You didn’t have to go and do that.
CLOWN We thought you’d need a new one. Hope you like it.
EVERLY CLOWN! You still got your chords!
CLOWN blushes.
EVERLY tears open the wrapping paper around the package, delicately opens the top of the box, reaches inside, and pulls out a brand new Carnival Barker suit.
You made this?!
TRUMPET KID Sure did.
CLOWN Mhm.
EVERLY Well…guess this means I’m sticking around then.
Everyone goes wild with excitement.
Lights dim.
THE TRIPLETS unravel a large piece of cloth in front of EVERLY. The top of his head can still be seen by the audience.
A spotlight shines on him as he changes out of his blue jeans and into his new suit behind the curtain.
EVERLY Muster DeBois was sentenced to life in prison and guaranteed one visitor per month. But, since he killed his only friend, no one ever showed up. Rumor has it he’s started a prison smuggling business…Pralines. As for Tootsy Taylor, well she went on to be one of the greatest Trapeze Art-eests in the world. She traveled all around the world, went to China, Spain, even Antarctica to perform her act. Clown and Trumpet Kid started a band called “Clown and Trumpet Kid,” I helped them come up with the title. And they’ve sold exactly two records, one to me and one to Ace! Ace is a sucker for Clown’s new-found voice. Speaking of Ace, he’s still around, reading the cards and such. I think he must be a vampire or something, because there’s no way he should still be alive at this point. The Triplets sorta just disappeared. I think maybe they found God and joined one of them revivals where the heal folks and such. As for me, well. Here I am.
THE TRIPLETS whip the cloth away to reveal a glimmering EVERLY.
Shootin’ to kill and killin’ to sell as I always say. That day I returned to the Carnival, I took a ride of a lifetime on Ole’ Rusty and decided I never wanted to leave this place.
TRUMPET KID and CLOWN step into the spot-light with EVERLY. TRUMPET KID hold’s their TRUMPET and CLOWN has a drum strapped around their waist.
And I never did.
ALL 1,2,3! HIT IT!
The entire cast joins in a song to be written by the actors and director of the cast.
BLACKOUT.
END OF PLAY.