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From: "NSFW\(ish\)"
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JULY 9, 2020 | ISSUE #39
The Periodic Table of Attraction
I can confidently say that from the second I meet a new dude, I know if we're going to get together. Creepy? Kind of! Reliable? Sure! I'm no psychic (though the crystals cleansing in my windowsill might fool you), but whenever I lock eyes with a future beau for the first time, I experience this gut feeling that shrieks, "whoooo are you?" quickly followed by nausea butterflies and "oh crap.” Inevitably, one of us will break the ice. (Let's be real, having social anxiety means I cower in the corner and suck down as many margaritas as I can stomach before lurching myself into his line of vision while praying that my gut is, in fact, on point and the pre-party tacos I wolfed down aren't just cha-cha-cha-ing in my stomach.) I guess I should also note that these promising prospects-turned-boyfriends are now all exes. So maybe my gut is a lying piece of trash.
To be fair, the last time I tried that approach I was 26. I'm now pushing 35 (!) and arguably wiser. With that, I'm attempting to learn from my past, which includes forcing myself to look beyond this innate "chemistry" and like, get to know someone before picking out china patterns. (Not that I have china patterns…or a dining room table, but!) Plus, is chemistry really even a thing, or just something that pop culture has neatly packaged and burrowed into our brains, causing us to pick partners who best resemble Disney characters? How do the pros define chemistry—and can it be nurtured over time? Or is more one of those what-you- see-what-you-get things?
Clearly, I have a heap of questions, especially as I continue to get comfortable with the idea of putting myself out there in whatever way I can, since COVID-19 continues to be like the one drunk friend on girls' night who refuses to get in the
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cab home no matter how many ways you try to lure her with the promise of greasy pizza. It just won't shut up, sit down, and pass out. But I digress.
This week I chatted about chemistry with Jessica Reed , licensed clinical psychotherapist at Reed Counseling and Consulting and, wow, was it hard to not grill her with thousands of questions! Scope her insights and recommendations about it below.
THE QUICKIE
Is It Safe to Date Why Is Everyone The Best Sex What It's Like to Again? Afraid to Admit Positions for Have Your First They Like Vanilla Women Same-Sex Sex? Encounter
Reed responds to your Q's while I pipe in occasionally to take a break from shopping for new face masks.
My city is still in the middle of a major COVID outbreak, so I'm sticking to online dating. Is there a way to tell if you'll have chemistry with someone through a screen?
I hear ya—I've been quarantining with my older parents who fall into several of the at-risk buckets. Because of that, in-person dating is currently off the table. I've started to circle dating apps albeit with a healthy dose of apprehension. For one, can you really vibe with someone the same way you can with a person IRL?
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While full body language cues might be a no-go, you can totally connect with someone via the phone, says Reed. When considering potential partners on a dating app, Reed recommends referring to past preferences to serve as a foundation. "Think about if you had a particular [characteristic] or facial feature you enjoyed [in the past] and that stands out," she says. It's also crucial to think about what type of characteristics we innately find attractive, and what might be conditioned in us from pop culture, media, and our immediate community, she advises.
Plus, on a dating app, you do have more to work with than just their photo. There are tons of clues on someone's profile like "the way they worded something, and their personal preferences," says Reed. But before jumping feet first into dating apps, Reed recommends taking a step back and composing a short checklist of attributes that you're attracted to.
As you jot down your criteria, take a moment to reflect on past relationships while you're at it. "Go back to your pattern of relationship history," says Reed. "We imprint [or remember] the things we don't want—we don't think about the things we do want." You might miss those traits in the first dazzling moments of meeting someone random IRL—but when you're scoping out their profile online, you have more time to run down your newly formed, ultra-productive checklist. The best part? This will come in handy if you decide to start meeting folks out in the wild, too.
If you find yourself continuing to question the validity or promise of meeting someone on a dating app, Reed recommends looking at where this idea stems from. "Limiting beliefs actually play a role in our connections when dating," she explains. Basically, if you believe you won't meet someone, then you might be subconsciously cutting yourself off from new opportunities, which is super real. The more you know!
8/14/2020 Page 4 My long-term partner and I used to have really good chemistry. Now, years later, it feels like it's up and vanished. Can we get it back, or is it gone for good?
Been there! The first step: Simply rephrasing your question from what's missing to what's thriving (or at the very least, enduring) can help turn the ship around. Since y'all have already committed years to each other, I definitely recommend giving it the old college try before throwing in the towel. (Unless you already know you’re done and maybe just avoiding the reality? Been there, too!)
This work requires that you both take an active role in rebuilding the chemistry. "Identify [your] strengths in areas like communication: Are you able to share with each other? How do you handle conflict?" recommends Reed. After you take stock of this individually, compare your thoughts with your partner.
"Share what you perceive as strengths and build a road map for your relationship of what you'd like more of and less of in the relationship," continues Reed. "Take turns being assertive [expressing yourself] and active listening." By comparing your road maps, you can continue to work on improving your communication and doing the small things that, in my experience, mean the world and also can easily slip to the wayside when life gets hectic (or, hell, stays the same). Daily compliments, paying attention to when your partner is talking, or just saying "I love you" can help build the bridge back to each other, she says.
And while you should both definitely reflect on what initially drew you together, it's also important to continue to evolve as a couple. This might require a little elbow grease. Reed suggests y'all examine how you can spend quality time together. "Brainstorm leisure activities," she says. "Look at how much time it [an activity] requires, your energy levels, the resources available, and put those [weekly] dates on the calendar for one or two months." From there,
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you'll have a much better idea if the relationship is improving or if larger conversations are necessary.
DON'T STOP NOW - READ MORE BELOW
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I'VE ALREADY CRUSHED TWO BOOKS THIS WEEK.
With that, I'm adding these Black-owned bookstore recommendations to my reading list!
I HAVE MODERATE SOCIAL ANXIETY ON A GOOD DAY.
Here's why you might be feeling it , too, if you're venturing out of quarantine.
SAY IT ONE MORE TIME FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.
Wear. A. Mask. (Try these for starters!)
CHANGE DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
Here's how to start tweaking your shopping behavior to make lasting impacts on Black-owned beauty companies .
STRESS HEADACHES ARE ASSHOLES.
And never leave (at least if you're like me and going on month 482 of quarantining with your parents). This is who I am now.
Sparks Fly
Connect the Dots
To date, I've had approximately one soulmate , M. Yes, it was the ooey-gooey 8/14/2020 Page 6 type of love that an abundance of early aught romantic comedies exploited. The not-so meet cute: I was at a party with another dude. M walked into the room, and everything went dark/I blacked out and came to flinging my belongings into my trendy oversized statement bag and subsequently hurdled my heavily sweating body toward the closest exit before we exchanged a word, as one does! Maybe it was the ratty Depeche Mode t-shirt he was wearing, or maybe it was that he put on my favorite George Harrison album. But holyyyyyy, I was hooked. Something in me just knew.
Fortunately, I had an opportunity a few days later to redeem myself and, sure enough, from that moment on we were together. It was like finding a piece of myself I didn't know was missing, and all that other cheesy bullshit that I had scoffed at before meeting him. Sadly, we met while M was dealing with the onset of some major mental illness that resulted in his suicide. (I know, probably should have warned ya before hitting y'all with some majorly dark shit, sorry!) Reflecting back on us, on him, I know what initial sparks can promise. But as I've aged, I've also come to appreciate the exercise of fully considering the origin of the spark itself.
When I met M, I was in a really good place. I was super in tune with my goals, my values, and what I wanted in a partner. Sure enough, M checked all the boxes.
The aftermath of his death led to a clusterf*ck of emotions—and band boys. I attempted to fill this vacancy with pretty much anyone who played drums (old habits die hard) or a cool outfit. According to Reed, discerning what you're truly looking for in a partner can help open your eyes to new options you might not have considered otherwise. "Sometimes we pick the wrong person because we don't know what we need," she says.
I'm totally guilty of this. With basically each of those band boys, I felt some bastardized form of that spark I shared with M (also, tequila), but regardless of its initial promise, our spark quickly fizzled. Ultimately, hooking up with these dudes just made me feel worse and experience crippling loneliness and longing for M. A lot of this stemmed from the fact that I avoided grief like the plague/COVID , but also because the guys waved basically every red flag out there. 8/14/2020 Page 7
"Recognize and rule out any prospects who display avoidant attachment styles early on," advises Reed. "This can look like mixed signals, their words might not match their actions, or they disregard your emotional well-being." Folks with an avoidant attachment style might also invalidate your feelings, or you might find that your messages don't get across, she continues.
The other thing that's pretty difficult to admit, but I will (I've come this far): I hated myself after M killed himself and pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'd never meet anyone else who compared to him. Partly because of that, I subconsciously sought out dudes who mirrored my self-loathing. (Shout out to my shrink who got me back on track!)
Sparks can be just as misleading as they can be enthralling. "When it comes to chemistry, learning [about] yourself will help you understand someone else," says Reed. "You see them as you are, not as they are. If you have basic mistrust in yourself, then you might not feel the ability to connect." Preach.
It's going on nine years since M passed—the summer, the season when we first met, always reminds me of him. At this point, I realize that no one will ever replace him or take that experience away. As the surviving member of the couple, I feel this strange responsibility to honor both of us separately and who we were as a couple. In a way, living fully does that. Because of him, I know what enduring chemistry and connection can feel like, even when shit gets super real and scary and isn't all rainbows and sun-kissed picnics. Because of M, I have a better understanding of who I am and (hopefully) that will only further lend itself in meeting the New Guy, whoever he might be. Now, can someone get me a tissue?
NSFW(ish) is a weekly newsletter on sex, love, and relationships (and oh, so much more!), brought to you by SHAPE, Health, InStyle, and HelloGiggles. Have burning Qs of your own? Shoot a message to [email protected] .
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8/14/2020