Friday April 24th 2009 e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Issue no 694 | varsity.co.uk »p19 Arts »Centrefold Special pull-out »Back page Sport We speak to Varsity don’t make tabloids. The Boat Race: Stephen Frears But if they did... view from the river

Shoe trial moved

MICHAEL DERRINGER for Tiananmen anniversary

Patrick Kingsley  e trial of the student who threw a shoe at the Chinese prime minister has been changed on the advice of the Chi- nese Embassy.  e trial of Martin Jahnke, a Universi- ty researcher, was originally planned for June 4th, the twentieth anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, when hundreds of pro-democracy protesters were shot dead by police in Beijing. It was brought forward to June 1st a er a request from the Embassy. Punam Malhan, appearing on be- half of the Crown Prosection Service, told Cambridge Magistrates Court that there were “security issues” concerning the original trial date. David Howarth, MP for Cambridge, and the Liberal Democrat Justice Spokes- man, condemned the decision. He told Varsity: “I would be very concerned in- deed if the CPS requested a change in the date of the hearing as the result of pressure from the Chinese government. I will be asking the Director of Public John’s Cripps gets listed status Prosecutions to look into the issue.” A spokesman for Free Tibet, which Controversial modernist block recognised for its ‘exceptional architecture and historic special interest’ campaigns for an end to Chinese rule Helen Mackreath materials, were other reasons cited for been mixed. St John’s student Ket Fit-  e building was funded by the in Tibet, also expressed outrage: “If this the decision. ton summed up those in favour of the donation of C. Humphrey Cripps, is true, it beggars belief. It is not the role St John’s College Cripps Building is to Grade II* status is assigned to “par- proposal: “It’s a beautiful building which founder of the Cripps Foundation, who of the CPS to save the Chinese govern- become a Grade II* listed building fol- ticularly important buildings of more should be preserved,” she said. But her graduated from St John’s in 1959. His ment from political embarrassment.” lowing a decision by English Heritage. than special interest”. Cripps’s new views have not been shared by all. donation of £75,000 made up most of  e Chinese Embassy did not re-  e modernist building has been ranking has quali ed it as a construc- Particularly strong in his condemna- the £1 million total cost, and the use of spond to a request for comment. listed by the government in recogni- tion possessing “exceptional architec- tion was Peter Stovall, who described high-quality materials will ensure that A spokeswoman for the CPS played tion of its success in combining mod- ture and historic special interest.” himself as “distraught” at the news, and the building ful ls his stipulation of down the issue. “ e Chinese Embassy ern architecture with sensitive ancient Nestled between the Grade I listed expressed a desire to “knock it down lasting 500 years or more. just made the prosecutor aware that surroundings.  e ingenuity behind New Court and the Grade I listed 12th- and catch up with the modern age”.  e building’s architectural merits there might be quite a lot of protests on the design, particularly at its time of century School of Pythagoras, Cripps’s Meanwhile St John’s Domestic Bursar have already been acknowledged by the that date and she in turn felt it prudent creation, and clever use of construction objective of providing contemporary is ambivalent about the decision, saying RIBA award in 1967 and a Civic Trust to let the court know.” She added: “ e accommodation without detracting that “it was neither a good thing nor a award in 1968. Chinese didn’t make a formal applica- from the ancient setting is not an easy bad thing” and highlighting that it was  is status places Cripps on a par tion.  ere was nothing untoward.” one; nevertheless in the view of English a status conferred on most other of the with the University’s other distinguished But a spokeswoman for Cambridge- Heritage the zig-zag planned concrete University’s buildings. post-war buildings, such as Churchill shire Police said she was “not aware” of 152 building, raised o the ground with Cripps Building was built between College (Grade II), Murray Edwards any planned demonstrations. The number of listed buildings in cloistered areas beneath, ful ls its crite- 1964 and 1967, and is one of the many College (Grade II*) and Fitzwilliam Col- Free Tibet denied they were planning Cambridge as listed on Heritage ria and proves that ancient and modern Modernist buildings designed by criti- lege (Grade II), which are among 152 any protests.  eir spokesman added: Gateway, the English Heritage’s listed can coexist. cally acclaimed architects Powell and listed buildings in Cambridge, accord- “Besides, there is nothing illegal about buildings directory Reactions to the listing of Cripps have Moya. ing to an English Heritage directory. peaceful protest in the UK.” Minister attacks Cambridge’s decision to require A* at A-level Gemma Oke In March, Cambridge’s Director for A* in its  rst year of operation. How- the standard AAA o er. ence last Wednesday, Mr Lammy Admissions for the Colleges, Geo ever, Cambridge rejected more than Dr Parks said, “We’ve gone for the voiced concerns over the new grad- Universities such as Cambridge which Parks, con rmed that for prospec- 5,000 applicants who achieved at least decision to use A* because we need ing system. He warned that there must intend to make conditional o ers to tive students applying for entry in 3 A grades at A-level. something to di erentiate between be “assurances that A* grades can be students using the new A* A-level 2010 the standard o er would be set It is hoped that the requirement of students.  e alternative is more ad- predicted accurately” to prevent “un- grade risk seeing the access debate “in- at A*AA. an A* grade will help to address the missions tests which are massively un- dermining” public con dence in the  amed”, according to Higher Educa- In 2007, Cambridge said that it di culty of di erentiating between popular with schools.” admissions systems. tion minister David Lammy. would be “highly unlikely” to use the highly quali ed candidates meeting At the UCAS Admissions Confer- Continued on page 4 Something to say? [email protected] Friday April 24th 2009 2 Editorial Call the Editors directly on 01223 761541 varsity.co.uk

A special tabloid edition of Varsity can be found inside the centrefold. It is not to be taken too seriously.

Contents Cripps is a warning to us all he listing of St John’s Cripps Building is undoubtedly a controversial move; we think that the move is a mistake, and Tthat the building is outstandingly ugly. However, we must be careful not to extrapolate from this to condemn all of News p1-8 Cambridge’s modern architecture: Cripps is not ugly because it is new, but simply because it is ugly. Many architects do bril- liantly well at blending new buildings in with the old: Trinity Hall’s Jerwood Library, for instance, is a beautiful addition to Cows on Midsummer Common p3 the none-more-historic Backs. Cows! ere are loads of cows on Perhaps we may be permitted to draw a wider lesson from this aesthetic example. Modernisation in the University is no bad thing: it has led to the admission of women, world-class scienti c research and the end of the public-school monopoly. the common, aren’t they great? When done thoughtlessly, however, the consequences can be awful; who would not long for the days when students were Look opposite. more important than conference guests. Stumble blindly into the future, and we end up with Cripps. Varsity Pro le p6 We speak to a Cambridge boy band. Badass. Tabloid Varsity: fun in exam term any argue that the ‘Page 3 girl’ is a sexist tabloid tradition. Some in the Varsity o ce (see letter below), and no doubt Cambridge Spies p8 some others, think printing a parody of a Page 3 girl in Tabloid Varsity is perpetuating this sexism. Nudity is not People embarrassed themselves while drunk, again. sexist,M however; it is only its exploitation which can be considered so. We are, in the best satirical tradition, attempting to parody a genre through mocking imitation. While one could argue that by doing something, even ironically, one is still doing it, the lack of full frontal nudity makes it clear that our Page 3 is merely a light-hearted impression of the genre, rather Comment p9-11 than a serious recreation of it. All of Tabloid Varsity is intended to have a similarly light touch. Hopefully, it serves as a parody of the o en implausibly  e Essay p9 rubbish tabloids, as well as looking at how a student newspaper might report on the local news if it were such a paper. We Classicist Paul Cartledge on the hope that the supplement will be taken in the spirit in which it is intended. dangers of seeing Ancient Greek democracy as a model for our own Twitter is, like resistance, futile p10  ank you and goodbye Tom Cheshire is lost in New Media and terrorist tweeting his issue of Varsity will be the last for this team and these Editors. We o er unbounded thanks to our amazing team, to our hundreds of contributors, thousands of readers and above all to our Business Manager, Michael Derringer, a joy Tto all who know him. Working at Varsity is the best thing we have done in Cambridge, and we encourage anyone to get Magazine p13-28 involved (see below). Have a good term. What the Folk? p15 Why is English folk music so un-cool? Edit this newspaper  e Varsity Week p18 Need to break up your exam hell with Applications are currently open to edit Varsity in May Week or in the Michaelmas some well-supervised fun? We can tell term, and to become a section editor in Michaelmas. For more information see p12 you where it’s at. or visit www.varsity.co.uk/jobs Marlowe Masterclass p21 e Marlowe Society on the Submit your letter for the chance to win a bottle of wine from the Cambridge Wine Merchants. upcoming showcase of Cambridge’s [email protected] All letters may be edited for space and style. best scriptwriters. Internal dissent tification of a woman is still sexual Yours sincerely, Rowdy T-Shirt Hell p22 exploitation, and we don’t find it When are Hitler and rape funny? Dear Sirs, particularly funny. Clementine Dowley Women are noticeably under-rep- Associate Editor, Varsity Sometimes, says the world’s most The inclusion of a ‘Page 3 girl’ in resented in the current Varsity team o ensive T-Shirt company. Varsity’s tabloid insertion purports and a display of chauvinism will only Anna Trench to be parodic. But this ‘ironic’ objec- prompt fewer to apply. Editor, Varsity (May Week 2008) View from the Groundlings p24 Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947 and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cambridge What theatre is going to be hot and College, to ARU and around Cambridge each week. what is going to be not this term. Editors Hugo Gye & Michael Stothard [email protected] Associate Editors Clementine Dowley [email protected] & Robert Peal [email protected] News Editors Andrew Bellis & Cædmon Tunstall-Behrens [email protected] Comment Editor Robert Stagg [email protected] Sport Editors Jenny Morgan & Jimmy Pickles [email protected] Features Editor Joe Hunter [email protected] Sport p29-32 Arts Editor Emma Mustich [email protected] eatre Editor Joel Massey [email protected] Reviews & Listings Editor Laurie Tu rey [email protected] Fashion Editors Kate Womersley, Alice Newell-Hanson & Katy King [email protected] Varsity Boxing p32 Senior Reporters Christos Lavidas, Timothy Leung, Beth Staton & Lizzy Tyler [email protected] Science Correspondents Rose Let’s just focus on what we won, OK? Powell-Tuck & Arthur Turrell [email protected] Food & Drink Editors Jono Franklin & Amanda Palin [email protected] eatre Critics Victoria May Ball, Nicholas Beck’s, Charlie Brooker, David Laurenson & Livvy Potts [email protected] Music Critics Lucy Bryant & Paul Smith [email protected] Film Critics Isobel Finkel & Tom Morris [email protected] Visual Arts Critic Laura Freeman visualarts@ View From the River p32 varsity.co.uk Classical Music Critics David Allen & Andrew Browning [email protected] Literary Critic Colette Sensierliterary@varsity. Silas’ heart-wrenching account of co.uk Editor-at-large Ed Cumming [email protected] Sub-editors Colm Flanagan, Sheli Levenson, Isobel Palmer & Charlie Pearson [email protected] Photographers Patrick Garety, James Graveston, Tim losing the Boat Race. You might cry. Johns, Sean Jones, Tom Moriarty, Lizzie Robinson, Charlotte Runcie, Dhaneesha Senaratne & Zing Tsjeng [email protected] Illustrators Alice Edgerley, Sallie Godwin, Jane Hall, Giles Smith, Katherine Spence, Christiana Spens, Claudia Stocker, Anna Trench & Sarah Woolley [email protected] Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Tom Walters, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Miss Lizzie Mitchell, Mr Elliot Ross (VarSoc President), Mr  omas Bird, Mr George Grist, Mr Patrick Kingsley, Miss Natasha Lennard, Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye & Mr Michael Stothard

Get involved NEWSPAPERS Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity SUPPORT RECYCLING Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval Recycled paper made up 87.2% of the raw system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe E-mail [email protected] to  nd out more. material for UK newspapers in 2008 Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING Friday April 24th 2009 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk 01223 761543 / [email protected] News 3

In Brief MICHAEL DERRINGER

Man on trial for Ospreys fraud A man charged with ddling the ac- counts of the Ospreys is due to ap- pear at Cambridge Crown Court next month. James Hill, 34, faces accusa- tions of false accounting, obtaining a money transfer by deception, abus- ing his position and false representa- tion, all of which charges are linked to anomalies found in the accounts for the Cambridge sportswomen’s so- cial club Ospreys.  e club’s funding depends on charitable donations and the support of major international rms including Merrill Lynch. Hill has not entered a plea on any of the charges and has been released on bail until a hearing in late May. 800th wood planted A woodland marking the University’s 800th anniversary o cially opened to the public on Monday. Consisting of more than 15,000 newly planted trees, the ‘800 Wood’ covers ten hectares of land near Madingley. “ e creation of the 800 Wood represents a valuable ecological resource for members of the University and residents of Cam- bridgeshire, which should contribute to the enhancement of biodiversity and help to mitigate against climate e cows return to Midsummer Common change,” said Director of Estate Man- agement Michael Bienias. Funded by he return of cows to Midsummer Common hails the beginning of summer.  e nine-strong herd of redpoll cattle are brought to the Common every year by their owner, vet grants from the Forestry Commission, Angelika Von Heimendahl. One fan of the bovine addition to the Cambridge scenery told Ms Von Heimendahl that “in winter [when the cows are absent] the Common is the SITA Trust, and the University, Tlike a sh tank without sh”.  e cows will remain on Midsummer Common until November 1st. the 800 Wood has been planted with 13 varieties of tree including ash, oak and hazel. A gure-of-eight shaped path runs through the wood, signify- ing its link to the 800th anniversary Ex-Selwyn student found guilty of celebrations. Cam alumnus Ballard dies Cambridge alumnus and award win- ning writer J.G. Ballard has died aged possessing child pornography 78. Best known for Empire of the Sun and Crash, the eminent author suc- cumbed to cancer on Sunday morn- » Images collected on student’s hard drive in University accommodation ing.  ose who knew him have since paid tribute to his “acute and vision- » Judge suspends four-month sentence to avoid disrupting his studies ary observation of contemporary life” and his “cult status” as a “giant on Pelin Keskin 21 at the time. interest. Photos and videos of girls aged be- Judge Hawkesworth the world literary scene”. Having at- A former Selwyn student has been tween nine and 15 were found on his gave Jenkins a four- tended the Leys School in Cambridge found guilty of possessing indecent computer. Half of these images were month prison sen- and read medicine at King’s, Ballard images of children. ranked at level one on the scale of of- tence, which he then began writing full time in 1952. His Jonathan Jenkins, 21, was arrested fensive images, and one was graded suspended for two novels include e Drowned World, for downloading 293 images of child level five, the most offensive. Jenkins years. He also ordered e Drought, and e Crystal World, pornography in October 2007. He has had used the file sharing application Jenkins to sign the sex all of which helped to establish his now been found guilty on 15 counts Limewire to source the images. offender’s register. He importance to the New Wave move- of making indecent images of chil- Third-year Selwyn classicist Fiona has been banned from ment. Later successes include Cocaine dren and one count of possession. Campbell was one of Jenkins’ house- contacting children that are Nights, and Millenium People. Last Judge Gareth Hawkesworth stated mates at the time of his arrest. She not blood relatives. year he published his autobiography that Jenkin’s case was an extreme said, “The police rushed up the stairs Judge Hawkesworth de- Miracles Of Life. Ballard is survived by demonstration of the fact that the and into his room. They knew which fended his decision to sus- three children and by his long-term accessibility of online pornography one it was. They came down carrying pend Jenkins’ prison sentence partner Claire. contributes to distorted ideas about computers and all the other electrical for two years. He said that enforc- sex and relationships. equipment from his room. ing it now would be damaging to his Hawkesworth is the same judge “There was a rumour he was mak- studies, and a “cruel and pointless who caused controversy last year by ing pirate DVDs and the first we exercise”. suspending the prison sentence of Ni- heard about the porn thing was in the Selwyn’s Senior Tutor Michael cholas Hammond, despite the Caius news a few weeks ago. Tilby said that the Judge’s remarks 52 Trumpington Street Fellow’s conviction for the possession “He didn’t turn up at the begin- “hit the nail on the head”, and agreed Cambridge CB2 1RG of 1500 images of child pornography. ning of this year and we assumed he’d with the claim that there were some Jenkins claimed that the images failed his Tripos.” “mitigating circumstances”. FREE CHELSEA BUN found on the hard disk of his compu- Campbell expressed discomfort at Claude Knights, director of Kid- With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop ter had not been looked at for several living in the same house as him. “He scape, argued that Judge Hawkes- OR years. was a bit weird. He’d walk around worth’s sentence could have been FREE MORNING He is currently dating a student the house only in his boxers and he more severe, and was not “help- studying at Cambridge, whom he hung around the Newnham bar all ful”, adding that “a paedophilic COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) failed to inform about his arrest. the time.” tendency is not something you With any cake or pastry in the restaurant Jenkins, now studying at the Uni- Despite Jenkins admitting that he just shake off”. versity of Bath, was arrested in Oc- was aware that he possessed child Both the Crown Prossecution on presentation of this voucher tober 2007 in his Selwyn student ac- pornography, his defence claimed Office and the University of Bath and proof of student status commodation on West Road. He was that Jenkins had “grown out” of the refused to comment. News Editors: Andrew Bellis & Cædmon Tunstall-Behrens Friday April 24th 2009 4 News [email protected] varsity.co.uk

In Brief Darwin spent more on shoes Shoe dispenser for Cindies Nightclub Ballare, known as Cin- dies has installed vending machines selling roll-up ballet-style pumps in than books, accounts reveal order that clubbers can avoid the pain of hobbling home a er a night Evolutionary scientist preferred to spend his allowance on alcohol and shoes than on books on the tiles in stilettos.  e Rollasole units were put in place two weeks Egg from Beagle voyage also discovered in Cambridge archive ago in preparation for the in ux of student clubbers at the start of this Rhodri Thomas, head of the Cae- eggs. Believing the egg not to be a term.  e brain behind the scheme Beth Staton Darwin, Alfred Newton, a 19th-cen- sarians, the Jesus drinking society, new find, she noted it and thought no is Bristol businessman Matt Horan, tury zoology professor, revealed that Recently discovered records have and also a NatSci student, said, “This more of the matter. It was a number whose girlfriend’s complaints about “The great man put it into too small a shed new light on the manner in proves that scientists are the biggest of days later that the collection’s man- having to walk home in painful box, and hence its unhappy state.” which Charles Darwin spent his stu- lads.” ager, Matthew Lowe, first realised the high heels prompted him to come On the find, Mr Lowe commented, dent days. The find came as a surprise to ex- importance of the specimen. up with a solution. His comfortable “To have discovered a Beagle speci- The naturalist’s spending accounts perts, who assumed that no signifi- The egg, bearing Darwin’s name, and easily transportable  at shoes, men in the 200th year of Darwin’s from his years at Christ’s had previ- cant evidence of Darwin’s lifestyle is the only one thought still to exist packaged in mini shoeboxes, are birth is special enough, but to have ously been overlooked as dull admin- remained. “Before this we didn’t re- from the Beagle collection. available in a number of di erent evidence that Darwin himself broke istration, but are now available on- ally know very much about Darwin’s The small brown egg bears a crack colours and sizes. it is a wonderful twist.” line after being spotted by Professor daily life at Cambridge at all,” John down its shell, but the crack appears Celebrations of Darwin’s bicenten- Geoffrey Thorndike Martin. van Wyhe, director of The Complete to have been there for over a century. nial continue throughout Cambridge Robot makes discovery They show that Darwin employed Work Of Charles Darwin Online, said. An entry in the diary of a friend of all year. servants to carry out daily tasks, in- “Now, in his 200th anniversary year, Scientists from Cambridge have cluding polishing his shoes and tend- we have found a real treasure-trove created a ‘robot scientist’ capable ing to the fire in his room. Accounts right in the middle of Cambridge.” of independently making scientific for a tailor, grocer, barber, hatter and There is scant evidence of Darwin discoveries. The team designed the smith, among others, suggest Darwin having paid much for books, and he robot, named Adam, to carry out was a ‘well-to-do’ young gentleman reportedly spent little time in lec- scientific processes without human who enjoyed a privileged existence. tures or studying, preferring to ride intervention. Adam hypothesised His rooms, which are now open in the country, shoot, and collect that certain genes in baker’s yeast to the public, appear to have been beetles. He later described his days at code for specific enzymes which among the best and most expensive Cambridge as “the most joyful of his catalyse biochemical reactions in available. happy life”. yeast. It then devised experiments Although he paid just £14 for tui- Although the accounts don’t in- to test these predictions, ran the tion fees, over three years his bills clude information of spending on experiments using laboratory amounted to £636.0.9½, which is alcohol or socialising, evidence sug- robotics, interpreted the results £46,000 in today’s money. Students gests that Darwin wasn’t completely and repeated the cycle. Stephen were billed quarterly by the College devoted to his studies. “What we do Oliver, Professor of Systems Biol- for service and accounts which they know is that a friend made a joke ogy and Biochemistry, said: “The set up with traders. coat of arms which made drinking novel thing is that Adam is able to Students eating in College received and smoking Darwin’s trademarks,” formulate hypotheses on its own a nightly meal of a joint of meat and says Dr van Whye. and test them. In the future it will a glass of beer, but Charles paid extra An egg collected by Darwin dur- be necessary for human and ro- for vegetables with his meals. ing his HMS Beagle voyage has also bot scientists to work together to Student reaction to the discovery recently been found in a Cambridge achieve the goals of biological re- of Darwin’s spending habits has been archive. search.” Professor Ross King, also characterised by a lack of surprise. The egg, from a Tinamou bird, was leading the experiment, agreed. Joanna della Ragione, a third year art discovered by Liz Wetton, a volun- “Ultimately we hope to have teams historian, said, “Good for him. That’s teer at the Cambridge Museum of of human and robot scientists exactly what I would do”. Zoology, whilst sorting through the working together in laboratories. Because biological organisms are so complex it is important that the details of biological experiments Order to release test data Cambridge requires A*AA are recorded in great detail. This is difficult and irksome for hu- Lisa Barrington physical health, mental health or 5,000 students with 3 As rejected last year man scientists, but easy for robot safety of any person. The Informa- scientists,” he said. Adam is a still The University has been ordered to tion Commissioner accepts that the Continued from front page some leading universities. a prototype, but Prof. King’s team disclose information about its animal universities remain a current, active Other universities planning to use to Aidan Irwin-Singer, in the lower believe that their next robot, Eve, experiments under a ruling by the In- target and understands that there is A* in making o ers this year include sixth at St Edward’s School in Oxford, holds great promise for scientists formation Commissioner’s Office. a ‘sustained campaign’ which contin- Imperial and University Colleges, plans to apply to Cambridge next year. searching for new drugs to combat Cambridge is one of five British ues to pose a ‘very real and substan- London. “It will make it harder but should re- diseases such as malaria. universities now being told to release tial threat to individuals’. However, Mr Lammy added, “This goes back duce the competition, because people data regarding the number and spe- he notes that this activity is on-going to the importance and transparency who don’t think they’ll get A*s might cies of primates used in past and cur- regardless of this information request of retaining public confidence. That apply to Oxford instead,” he said. Robbery on YouTube rent experiments. and can see no evidence to suggest confidence will be undermined – and “It probably won’t reduce the ran- This decision follows a refusal by that the current threat would increase the sometimes corrosive debate on dom aspect of admissions, because A video posted on YouTube last Cambridge in 2006 voluntarily to with the release of the information widening participation inflamed – if they’ll still take people who do well in month shows a busker being release the figures after a request by requested.” talented young people are rejected, interviews.” robbed in the centre of Cambridge. the British Union for the Abolition of Chief Executive of BUAV Michelle only to find that their peers are ac- Plans to implement the much-feted The incident occurred in Octo- Vivisection (BUAV) under the Free- Thew said that “risk to personal safe- cepted as near-misses, thanks to A* grade were introduced in 2007, ber last year on Market Hill. The dom of Information Act. ty, though real in isolated cases in the more optimistic predictions but not with the then Education Secretary footage shows the busker, Char- The universities of Oxford, Cam- past, is hugely exaggerated and often achievement. Alan Johnson commending proposals lie Cavey, singing the Oasis song bridge and Manchester, and London’s used as a smokescreen when research- “More broadly, I think it can only by the Quali cations and Curriculum ‘Wonderwall’ to a crowd of stu- King’s and University Colleges, decid- ers do not want to tell the public what be right that actual achievement is Authority (QCA) for the top grade as dents and locals when his micro- ed to withhold this information, t h e y d o.” rewarded. But for as long as our ap- “simple and transparent”. phone and cap holding donations which BUAV wanted to use in The universities will plications process relies on predicted In response to the proposals, Mike from passers-by were snatched assessing their current pri- comply with the ruling, grades in making o ers, or turning Sewell, Chair of the Admissions Fo- and the thieves ran off. A group of mate research, because but stand by their argu- candidates down, then we – and you – rum at Cambridge, said that he envis- Jesus students pursued the thieves, of concerns for em- ments that the disclosures need assurances that A* grades can be aged the A* grade being used “spar- but were violently attacked on Sus- ployee safety. would endanger staff. predicted accurately.” ingly” in o ers until its usefulness had sex Street. Jamie Ptaszynski, who A spokesperson Animal experiments  ere are concerns that the intro- been established. was a victim of the incident, told for the Informa- in Cambridge have had duction of the A* grade will damage A number of other Russell Group Varsity: “One of them was carrying tion Commis- a troubled history. In initiatives to widen access to elite universities, including Oxford, Dur- a knuckleduster and hit one of my sioner, Richard 2004 the University universities, as anecdotal evidence ham and the London School of Eco- mates. There was a lot of blood, so Thomas, said: “Re- cancelled plans for a suggests that state schools will be less nomics, have ruled out making o ers they ran off scared. It’s lucky, we leasing the informa- new primate research likely to predict talented students A* including the A* grade until further got off pretty lightly.” tion would not in- centre because of grades, thus lessening their students’ reviews on the grade’s usefulness have crease the risk to the security costs. chances of successfully applying to been conducted. Friday April 24th 2009 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk 01223 761543 / [email protected] News 5

Library  nes fall due to web renewals In Brief and was forced to pay the highest role in the re-organisation of levies fines for over- Bhavya Dore fine possible as well as bear the ad- the library system: 77 per due books as an Library fines have dropped drastically ditional burden of replacement costs cent of books borrowed incentive to have Police warn of rising crime over the last two years because of on- and fines. so far have been renewed them returned so Cambridgeshire Police have line renewals and holiday loan exten- The story is one of overall success, online. that other read- warned that crime is on the rise in sions, according to official figures. however, as seen by the reduction of Recently appointed ers can benefit Cambridge.  e number of the s Two years ago, the total amount fines by about 25 per cent over the University Librarian from access to occurring inside Colleges has ex- paid in fines and costs for the replace- past two years. This has been facili- Anne Jarvis said: “We are these resources. perienced a recent increase. Series ment of lost books came to £27,635. tated by improved library services greatly encouraged by “At the Uni- of the s have been reported in St Last year’s figures have been totted and the implementation of more ef- the introduction of our versity Library, John’s, where  ve rooms were bro- up to a significantly reduced sum ficient technology. new renewal service at fines income ken into over the Easter vacation, of £20,503. The number of students E-mail reminders have both cut the Library. Whilst the has been used Christ’s, and Jesus. Laptops, mon- fined has remained relatively stable, down on paper wastage and served cost per student of fines to support the ey and valuable personal items all with figures coming in at around the as a more effective method of keep- is small in these difficult Library’s strat- went missing in the incidents. Po- 3200 mark since 2005. ing students informed of the state times, the fact that stu- egy of continu- lice have urged students to exercise One poor student was forced to of their library books, whether due, dents will be paying less ously improv- particular vigilance in order to pro- cough up the princely sum of £214.99 overdue or ready for collection. in fines, and can renew ing services tect their property. Other criminal to cover the total cost of his fines for The online renewals system, in- their loans online, is a and facilities incidents are also on the rise: police the year. He was the borrower of Vic- troduced a year and a half ago, also positive development. for its readers,” are asking anyone with information torian Poetry: Poetry, Poetics, Politics seems to have played an important “A Library only ever she added. about a man reported to have been exposing himself in and around Colleges to come forward. Hawking set for ‘full recovery’ a er hospital scare eatre restaurant closes lised and on Wednesday a Cambridge stein Medal, and became a CBE in 1982. The Arts Theatre has closed its Lizzy Tyler spokesperson said that he was “on the One of his last public appearances top-floor restaurant in response  e University has allayed fears over road to recovery”. was at the unveiling of the controversial to the “harsh economic climate”. Steven Hawking’s health a er his recent ALERS/NASA PAUL  e 67-year-old Prof. Hawking has Corpus clock in September last year. In a message posted on the thea- admission to hospital. worked at the University for over 30 He has guest-starred as himself on tre’s website, chief executive Dave  e world-famous physicist was years, and is best known for his book A e Simpsons and Star Trek: e Next Murphy reported the move – rushed to Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Brief History of Time. Generation. which resulted in the redundancy an ambulance on Monday with chest He is stepping down from his post Colleagues and students have been of six staff – to theatregoers: “Sad- problems. as Lucasian Professor of Mathematics wishing Hawking a speedy recovery. ly, and after a lot of thought, we Hawking, a Fellow of Caius, was forced of Cambridge at the end of this year. Prof. Peter Haynes, head of the Uni- have taken the difficult decision to to cut short his recent visit to America He has said that he intends to contin- versity’s Department of Applied Math- close our restaurant on the fourth during which he failed to make an ap- ue working after his retirement from ematics and  eoretical Physics, said floor. In today’s harsh economic pearance at Arizona State University due the Chair. he was a “remarkable colleague”. climate and given its fourth-floor to illness. Prof. Hawking was diagnosed with He added: “We all hope he will be location we can no longer justify Prof. Hawking ew back to England motor neurone disease whilst study- amongst us again soon.” the considerable cost and risk of on Saturday and, following a consulta- ing in the 1960s and is one of the Upon hearing of the Professor’s im- keeping it open.” He added, “The tion with a doctor, was swi ly admitted world’s longest-surviving carriers of proved condition, one second year Caius restaurant has closed because we to hospital on Monday with a suspected the disease. student said, “I think it’s really good that were struggling to make it pay its chest infection. He had received numerous honours he’s getting better and I hope that he is way. Fewer and fewer people were His condition has, however, stabi- for his work, including the Albert Ein- able to get back to his research soon.” using it.” But he denied the influ- ence of the recession, claiming that “the theatre did very well last year”, and pointing out that plans for a £6 million extension remain on track. Following the closure of Donors can buy in uence, says report its restaurant, the theatre has ar- ranged for the Chop House to of-  Cambridge has compromised academic independence to foreign donors, argues think-tank fer a pre-theatre menu.  Senior don concerned ‘to see academic policy so openly revealed to be driven by financial considerations’ 9 genes linked to disability Andrew Bellis considerations,” he told a Senate House well themselves be academics who can are allowed to have a say in guiding the discussion. bring an informed external perspective, aims of an academic institute in return Cambridge researchers have con- Cambridge has compromised its aca- Cambridge says the report exagger- adding to the expertise of the internal for a large donation,” they wrote. tributed to a global project that demic independence by giving in u- ates the power of big donors. “ e in- academic members.” Cambridge also comes under  re for has discovered nine genes on the ence to signi cant donors from over- uence that a donor might potentially Cambridge remains convinced that receiving money for a research schol- X chromosome which are linked seas, a think-tank report has claimed. have through the right to nominate a the existing measures “ensure that the arship from the Iranian government, to learning disabilities.  e team,  e report also criticises the Univer- representative on a speci c manage- academic integrity of the University is although the University says that the comprising more than 70 research- sity for receiving donations from coun- ment committee is over-stated,” the fully protected”. fund has received no additional money ers from around the world, say tries with poor human rights, such as University said in a statement.  e report also reinforces Profes- in the last ten years. It says that it E.G. their report re ects the largest se- Iran. Peter Agar, the University’s director sor Bowring’s criticism that donors are Browne Memorial Research Student- quencing study of complex disease ‘A Degree of In uence’, a report by of development, added: “Donor repre- concerned primarily with “outreach” ship will remain “for so long as the ever published. “As well as these the Centre for Social Cohesion, a right- sentatives will always be in a minority and achieving favourable publicity Iranian Government shall continue the important new gene discoveries re- leaning policy group, argues that the [on management committees], but may through the way their money is used. benefaction”. lating to learning disability, we have University’s management is “potentially “Outreach may be important but must Cambridge was not the only univer- also uncovered a small propor- altered” by allowing donors to appoint always remain secondary to scholarship sity criticised in the report. Questions tion – one per cent or more – of X representatives to help oversee some of in a University such as ours,” he said. are also raised about the academic in- chromosome protein-coding genes the University’s work.  e report’s authors criticise the con- dependence of certain areas at Oxford, that, when knocked out, appear to An £8m donation by a Saudi Ara- trol that donors can exercise. “A worry- SOAS, Edinburgh, Aberdeen and Ex- have no e ect on the characteristics bian prince, Prince Alwaleed, is sin- ing precedent has been set where donors eter among others. of the individual,” Mike Stratton, gled out for particular criticism. In from the Wellcome Trust, said. “It 2008, the prince donated money for a is remarkable that so many protein- Centre for Islamic Studies to be cre- coding genes can be lost without ated in his name. The report claims any apparent e ect on an individu- that he can exercise “considerable in- al’s normal existence - this is a sur- fluence” over the centre by appoint- prising result and further research ing several members of its managing will be necessary in this area.” Lucy committee. Raymond, a Reader in Neurogenet- In addition, any changes to the regu- ics and one of the report’s authors, lations governing the centre must be said: “ is new research uncovers subject to the approval of the prince. yet more genes that can be incor- Richard Bowring, the Master of porated to improve the provision of Selwyn, expressed concerns about diagnostics to families with learn- the arrangement in March last ing disabilities and allow us to de- year. “It is a little depressing to Prince Alwaleed of velop more comprehensive genetic see academic policy so openly Saudi Arabia counselling in the future.” revealed to be driven by  nancial News Editors: Andrew Bellis & Cædmon Tunstall-Behrens Friday April 24th 2009 6 News [email protected] varsity.co.uk

Zi n g t sj en Varsity Profile »Week 1: Blueprint, Cambridge’s first boyband

On a dark December evening last year, once-weekly helping of cheese at Cindies Zed Akanga, described by observant crit- five men from four Colleges crowded ought to satisfy you.” ics as possessing “a voice like chocolate” into a music practice room in Sidney and The story began just over a year ago, and looking “loads like Lemar”. resolved on an unprecedented and pe- when Daniel Garsin had a lightbulb mo- The picture, at last, was complete: Dan culiar course of action: the formation of ment following a fortnight spent prancing models himself on Gary Barlow, Oli on Cambridge’s first boyband. Determined around the ADC stage dressed as fairytale Mark Owen, Ed on Howard Donald, and to storm the Cambridge music scene, Ed, characters. After a particularly strenuous Matt on “the other one...What’s his name Dan, Oli, Matt and Zed collectively enti- performance, Dan realised that the reason again? Oh yes, Jason.” Zed, meanwhile, tled themselves ‘Blueprint’ and prepared he and his friends had agreed to get up sees himself as a “black Robbie Williams”. to fly without wings. onstage in the first place had nothing to Despite such auspicious beginnings, The self-proclaimed brave followers do with desperate thespian passions. No, Blueprint’s ensuing career has not been of big-name bands Five and Blue have the real motivation for their performanc- without its challenges. From the ankle in- acknowledged the dangers of assigning es was nothing more than the simple but jury Oli sustained during an overenthu- themselves to such a genre, especially in a undeniable gratification of the ego mas- siastic rendition of Take That’s ‘Pray’, to place like Cambridge. “The question is al- sage at the end: the rapturous applause. Zed’s inability to appear at rehearsals less ways the same when I tell people here I’m The logical extension of this realisation, than an hour after the appointed time, in a boyband,” says Ed. “They always ask and the friends’ next career move, clearly the road has been rough. why – surely Cambridge performers and presented itself: why not form a group The challenge of naming the band was audiences get their kicks from stuff like a capable of generating even more extreme particularly traumatic, so much so that cappella groups and orchestras, or even adulation – a group in which a man could it caused some members to question jazz, at a push? I think they think that a send girls wild simply by changing key their very identities, Oli’s suggestions of and dismounting his stool? ‘Grab This’ and ‘Electric Tuner Fish’ as- Over the next eight months, Dan con- tounding his fellow members. However, ducted painstaking research into the pre- the emotional rollercoaster the band has cise blend of carefully balanced attributes taken together has only served to help 1 crucial to the formation and success of the the group grow together, and early ru- number of accidents sustained “ultimate boyband”. Matt Eberhardt, with mours of a rift have now been decisively during choreography his love for all things Westlife, boyish good put to bed. looks and Nureyev-esque dancing skills, What does the future hold, then, for was an immediate shoe-in. Ed Stephen- Blueprint? If you miss them at one of the son supplied the all-important boyband balls in whose musical line-up Blueprint arrogance, and Oli Hunt’s charm and feature then, they are convinced, you will baby faced complexion quickly secured miss out. In the meantime, with negotia- 199 his own position in the line up. But the tions with various venues ongoing, watch group still lacked a certain je ne sais quoi. this space – Blueprint’s here, alright? number of admin emails sent since The pain of further auditions was saved As told to Clementine Dowley by January of this year by the imposing form of his housemate band manager Ed Stephenson For exam tips and welfare advice WWW.CAMEXAMS.COM Friday April 24th 2009 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk 01223 761543 / [email protected] News 7 Mich a el derrin g er

Bollywood comes to Cambridge: ‘Teen Patti’ being filmed at John’s

ollywood came to Cambridge this week as the film crew for Indian flick Teen Patti descended on St John’s. The location filming took place on Wednesday on John’s Backs against the backdrop of the Col- lege’s New Court. Bollywood megastar Amitabh Bachchan (inset) stars in the film, allegedly inspired by Hollywood’s21 , as a professor who tutors five of his brightest pupils for high-stake gambling. Oscar- Bwinning British actor Ben Kingsley is rumoured to be attached to the movie, and there has also been talk within the film industry of Richard Gere acting alongside Mr Bachchan (known as ‘Big B’), although these rumours have yet to be confirmed. E-mails were sent out to students across the University by the film company responsible for the shoot, Serendipity Films, asking for extras to take part. Other filming locations for the film include Mumbai, India and Dubai, United Arab Emirates. The release date for the Hindi-language film is yet to be set. Family pays tribute to don who was ‘married to maths’ » Hughes Hall DoS collapsed while cycling in Cambridge, aged 43

Christos Lavidas & Beth Staton career has focused on a special interest in number theory. Dr Andrew Plater, Director of Studies As well as mathematics he was in Maths at Hughes Hall, has died sud- a keen ultimate frisbee player and denly this week from a blood clot on backgammon enthusiast, travelling the lung, aged 43. to Monte Carlo for the 2007 World Friends and family have spoken Championships. We are the leading supplier to colleges, May Balls and fondly of the well-respected academic Plater suffered a pulmonary embolism student socs and parties. Party wines from £2.99, over 200 and his passion for mathematics. whilst cycling past the Hopbine pub on single malts, Port, Madeira, Claret, Absinthe, cans of lager. If “Maths was going round in his head Fair Street in Cambridge. He was at- and out of his ears all of the time,” his tended to by paramedics, but they were you can drink it, we sell it. father, John Plater, said. “If you picked unable to revive him and the academic Free glass loan, free delivery, generous discounts, wholesale up his pad, it would always be covered died before reaching Addenbrooke’s. with mathematical symbols.” His family have arranged for his accounts available for all CU bodies, socs, clubs etc. Those who knew the doctor also paid funeral to take place at 1.30pm in the tribute to his humble and unassuming Cambridge City Crematorium’s West Double-or-Quits your student discount with our Trivial personality. Chapel. Pursuit challenge. No conferring, bickering or face-pulling. Born and raised in South Bedford- “Our proudest moment was when he shire as one of four children, Dr Plater got his PhD,” his father said. “To go into Branches at King’s Parade, Magdalene Bridge and Mill studied in Boston and San Francisco Senate House and be there with him Road. Edinburgh too. after completing a PhD at Trinity Col- will stay in my memory forever. lege aged 23. He subsequently returned “His family and maths – those were www.cambridgewine.com home in order to spend most of his the two great loves in his life. We will working life in Cambridge, where his miss him.” News Editors: Andrew Bellis & Cædmon Tunstall-Behrens Friday April 24th 2009 8 News [email protected] varsity.co.uk

Cambridge Centre for imam training to open in Cambridge Spies Wolfson’s theology DoS founds college for Muslim leaders Beth Staton nent, and it is felt that many younger, lege in the belief that “Islamic leadership and communication, and study will be British-born Muslims may feel unre- [in the UK] needs to be upgraded.” aided by teaching visits. A centre for training British imams has sponsive to the language and values of “We’re not replicating the cur- It is hoped that the centre will address opened in Cambridge. such institutions, which do not equip riculum of Islamic universities. We’re the “sense of confusion and aimlessness” The Cambridge Muslim College, leaders for work in a western context. giving these kids a bridging course which has resulted from an absence of which is not affiliated to the Uni-  e college’s one year diploma in so they will understand how to apply Muslim leaders in celebrated national versity of Cambridge, aims to help ‘contextual Islamic studies’ will focus what they know to a western reality,” roles. It eventually intends to o er three- religious leaders assimilate classical on dealing with issues like social ex- he said. “We’re not telling them what and four-year courses, becoming a cen- training with the more specific needs clusion, poor communication, crimi- sort of Muslim they should be.” tre for academic excellence recognised of British Muslims. nalisation, and doctrinal radicalism.  e diplomas modules include West- by Muslims and non-Muslims. At present the majority of imams in Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad, Islamic ern intellectual history, Islamic political Applications for the diploma opened Britain’s mosques studied in the Mid- Studies lecturer and Wolfson’s Director thought, Islam and gender, and astron- in March, and teaching will begin this dle East or on the Indian subconti- of Studies for  eology, founded the col- omy.  ere will be a focus on leadership September. CUR1350 gets FM licence Admissions  gures con rm Caedmon Tunstall-Behrens Andrew Spyrou, presenter of Subter- Trinity ranean Trawler, an underground and Cambridge’s student-run radio station alternative music show at 11pm on state school success “Mum, dad – I think I’m has been given an FM licence. Tuesdays, is extremely excited about straight” CUR1350, the station for Cam- the expansion. “Hopefully a lot more 8% rise in applications from state sector bridge and Anglia Ruskin Universities, people in the Cambridge community was awarded the licence by Ofcom on will be able to listed to CUR’s great Arts subjects are ‘easier to get in to’ At a start-of-term soirée, an evening March 17. shows,” he told Varsity. Clementine Dowley cent of those who applied for Architec- of pizza and more, one delicious belle  e launch of the station of FM radio  e exact frequency of the station ture were accepted, whilst the school of cut quite a gure as she took a break will coincide with Freshers’ Week 2010. will only be released a month or so be- Undergraduate admissions statistics Classics o ered more than half (51 per from the UL, and set herself to get-  e move has prompted station fore it is launched. for the last academic year have shown cent) of its applicants places. ting really, really smashed. She soon management to re-launch itself as a a marked increase in applications made 30 per cent of overall applications attracted the attentions of the male “new community radio station aimed by state school pupils to the University. came from outside the UK, but only masses, but her heart had grown at bringing together all students, sta ,  e breakdown of Cambridge’s ad- 18 per cent of acceptances, suggesting fond for her absent beau, and she bat- academics and alumni from both uni- missions gures, published on Monday, that it may be harder for foreigners to ted them o . Rumours still spread, versities.” reveals that the number of state school attend the University. however, that one lucky man had Martin Steers, manager of the sta- applicants has risen by eight per cent Geo Parks, Director of Admissions managed to break down her defences tion, oversaw the application process. over the past year. for the Cambridge Colleges said: “We for a cheeky peck on the lips.  e On the successful outcome he said:  e number of state sector accept- have been making steady progress with jealousy felt by this Casanova’s rivals “ is is representative of all the hard ances increased by 16 per cent. Overall, inevitable year-on-year  uctuations. were only compounded when they work and dedication from members of 59 per cent of those of who accepted “We’re hopeful that the message that remembered that this was a very rare the station, presenters, teams and the places overall hailed from the state sec- Cambridge is for anyone with the re- foray into the gentler sex for a loth- management committee over the last tor, compared with last year’s 55 per quired academic ability may be nally ario who usually saves his a ections few years. A big thank you has to go cent.  is is the highest proportion of sinking in and we’re obviously pleased for his fellow Y-chromosomers. Is he out to all that has been involved past maintained sector admissions since that the great e orts the University and going back in to the closet? and present.” 1981. Colleges make in this area seem to be  e station is also celebrating its 30th Arts subjects applicants are far more bearing fruit.” Exam mishaps birthday this year. Set up as the Cam- likely to be o ered places: 29 per cent But Director of Undergraduate Re- bridge University Broadcasting Society of those who applied were accepted, cruitment Jon Beard has warned against Desmond vs Geo in 1979, the station has come a long compared with 18 per cent of appli- complacency. “Every year we must ap- way. It was originally established as a cants for social science subjects in- peal to a new audience of prospective A man of Teutonic persuasion, series of restricted licence broadcasts cluding Economics, Land Economy, applicants.  e University really can be whose indubitable good looks and in the basement of Churchill graduate Law and SPS. for anyone – but ultimately we can only Midas swagger have made him accommodation.  e 2007 to 2008 admissions cycle consider those who apply,” he said. somewhat the envy of lesser mor- A er it was given an AM license also showed discrepancies between ap-  e University spends more than £3 tals, had a crushing blow landed to in 2001, it went on to become 2007’s plication and acceptance numbers for million a year on a range of initiatives his revision schedule this week. Not number one student radio station. subjects across the board. Only 10 per designed to encourage applications. an academic by persuasion, he was working hard one day in the UL to avoid a Desmond Tutu (in dreamer moments, he thought he might go for a Geo Hurst), when he was in- EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2009 vited to a friend’s for a quick session Bene’t’s Cafés of the lesser-known drinking game Festival Flats have a large number of good properties ‘ ree Man’. In a few unlucky rolls 20 King’s Parade available in the heart of Edinburgh, all within walking of the dice he had a lampshade or o f K et ing Stre two on his head. He woke the next ’s Pa ne’t 4 Bene’t Street rade and Be distance of the various venues morning without his wallet, keys phone or trousers, with his dream of a Geo having slipped that bit fur- Please call Carole or Elaine on 01620 810620 if you ther away. would like us to help fi nd the perfect fl at for you. Jesus 20% off every Wednesday E-mail: festfl [email protected] or festfl [email protected] Fire! Fire! Ciabattas - Wraps - Sandwiches A hallucinating young fellow thought he sensed a conflagration PETERHOUSE THEORY: “IDEAS OF WAR” at his friend’s birthday bash. He Loyalty Cards for finished off his beverage in one Toasted Ciabattas motion and confidently strode Gary Knight, war photographer, will give a talk on to solve the problem, and maybe “Shooting War: Ethics in Con ict Photography” on even save a damsel in distress. He Award winning Norfolk Icecream took the nearest fire extinguisher Cappuccino, Espresso Thursday April 30th at 5.30pm in Upper Hall, Peterhouse. off the wall and, cackling with glee, proceeded to coat the party Bene’t’s Chocolate Indulgence Knight has covered wars for Newsweek in Bosnia, and its goers in an even level of Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan. The event is essential for foam. It later became clear, de- Try our Homemade Cakes spite our man’s protestations, that anyone interested in journalism, photography, human there was not fire and he was just Bene’t’s of King’s Parade open till 8pm rights or the response to tragedy, and is open to everyone. pissed. So it goes. Friday April 24th 2009 Get it off your chest: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Comment 9 The Essay

Democracy? What Democracy? Paul Cartledge We’ve become accustomed to invoking Ancient Greek democracy as a template for today’s governments. However, a leading Classics don argues that such comparisons are not as straightforward as they seem.

recent Varsity feature article were right, according to the lights of A (February 20th, 2009) came with their own democratic political system a bold banner headline: ‘Chinese and culture, both to find him guilty Democracy’. Oxymoronic, of course, and to condemn him to death on those as well as bold, because as heroic grounds. pro-democracy dissident Wang Den Actually, Socrates need not have was quoted as observing, “We have died even so: if he was a martyr had economic reform for 30 years, (Greek word) to freedom of thought but it has never led to democracy. It and speech, he was in the fullest sense won’t start now.” Yet what exactly did a voluntary martyr. But what matters he – or, more to my immediate point in the present context is, as the clas- here, what should we – understand by sically educated poet Louis Macneice ‘democracy’? once put it, how “unimaginably differ- As A.G. Leventis Professor of ent” it all was there and then. What- (ancient) Greek Culture, I’ve a profes- ever the original ancient Greek – that sional (academic) as well as a personal is, the Athenians’ – democracy may (civic) stake in giving a good answer to actually have been, and however we that question. Last February, just be- might want to characterise it today, it fore that feature appeared, I delivered emphatically was not a modern-style, my Inaugural Lecture as the (inaugu- liberal, Western democracy. ral) A.G. Leventis Professor, holder of The key difference, I’d say, between the first chair in Classics to have been their democracy and any of ours is established and permanently endowed that in an ancient Greek democracy at Cambridge since before World War the demos (the people) really did rule, II. (Unlike some others who shall be whereas we (to borrow from Abraham nameless, I happen to think Cam- Lincoln’s funeral oration at Gettys- bridge’s 800th anniversary campaign burg) understand by democracy the for massive fundraising is a good as government of and for, but not also well as absolutely necessary thing.) directly by, the People. Their democ- I argued in the Lecture that this racy was direct, ours is representative. new chair should be seen as some- We also insist on a division of pow- thing like the equivalent of the ers between the executive, legislative Charles Simonyi chair at Oxford and judicial functions of government, for the advancement of the public and we claim (less plausibly) that we understanding of science – that is, as which called themselves a polis (from ble since we have the world’s first BC, which I have discussed in much don’t do political trials, at any rate not a chair within the Arts and Humani- which come our ‘politics’ etc) or what historian, Herodotus’, account of the greater detail in a forthcoming book on religious charges. ties for the advancement of the public I call a citizen-state. epic encounter between Greeks and on Ancient Greek Political Thought in Not that these radical differences of understanding of ancient Greek (pre- Myth 2: that technologically all Persians at Thermopylae in 480 BC as Practice, makes uncomfortably plain. conception and practice make ancient Byzantine) culture and, no less vitally, ancient Greek culture was irredeem- our bedrock-solid guide. Socrates was tried on a twofold Greek or Athenian democracy any its continuing impact on our own. ably backward – against which I cited Finally, myth 4: that the ancient public-political charge of impiety the less interesting or important to To illustrate the sorts of topics the Antikythera Mechanism made Greeks invented and practised de- (for not duly acknowledging Ath- study, from a comparativist, cultural- and issues that I believe a Leventis probably in the second century BC, mocracy in anything like the sense ens’ officially recognised gods and historical point of view, or indeed to Professor should address, and given an extraordinary scientific instrument or senses we give that plastic term goddesses, and instead inventing learn from, from a practical-political the time constraints of an Inaugural consisting of a complicated combina- today – as in Britain’s ‘democracy’ at new gods of his own) and subversion standpoint. Lecture, I selected just four ‘myths’ tion of dials and geared wheels that home, or the war for ‘democracy’ in (for being an anti-democrat and for On the contrary: usually, I think, about ancient Greek culture that I was designed to predict eclipses, fore- the Middle East. turning out pupils who were actively one learns and understands more wished to deconstruct: tell the dates of the Olympic Games It’s this myth that I want to decon- anti-democratic). Contrary to most from well-judged comparisons that Myth 1: that there really was an and perform other such complicated struct a little further now. For we’re scholars, I think, I argue that Socrates bring out and highlight fundamen- ‘Ancient Greece’ – when actually, de- astronomical manoeuvres. all ‘democrats’ these days, aren’t we, was found guilty mainly on grounds of tal differences than from those that spite common language, religion and Myth 3: that the ancient Greeks and the word ‘democracy’ is in origin his alleged impiety, since at Athens as merely elicit or emphasise possibly customs such as monogamy, there behaved or looked anything much ancient Greek, so there’s a natural elsewhere in ancient Greece religion superficial or otherwise deceptive was no single ‘country’ or ‘nation’ like they are depicted in Hollywood temptation to assume at least some was thoroughly politicised, and this similarities. of Ancient Greece but instead about movies (such as Troy, Alexander or sort of affinity between their democ- was in the fullest sense a political trial; 1000 radically self-differentiated 300). All of these make rather grave racy and ours. But to do so would be and – even more controversially – I Paul Cartledge is A.G. Leventis Greek politico-cultural entities, Ath- historical errors, those of 300 being wrong, as a brief look at the trial and maintain that his 501 Athenian judges, Professor of Greek Culture, and a ens and Sparta for instance, most of especially detectable and culpa- death of Socrates at Athens in 399 mostly ordinary Athenian citizens, Fellow of Clare College. Comment Editor: Robert Stagg Friday April 24th 2009 10 Comment [email protected] varsity.co.uk

Foreign Tom Correspondence Cheshire Twitter No More Let’s use the internet pro tably Cambridge goes all over the world in a riot of semi-imperialist journalism here is a lot of stu whose relevance Mark Wilson, from the USA, memo- blamed – on the media. ey missed out perspective” and you can indeed follow TI don’t understand. Much of it is rably tweeted “Holy fucking shit I was on Facebook and MySpace and were de- the Daily Mail on Twitter. related to my degree, but some of it just in a plane crash!”, a statement which termined not to repeat the mistake. Twit- Now, a terrorist on Facebook, that’s a I really should know as a member of surely deserves its exclamation mark. His ter was perfect, as it does actually need threat. He can make secret events, like Generation Y. Twitter is one of these. 737 had skidded o a runaway in Colo- to be explained, whereas the purposes of bombings, hide the guestlist, and invite What’s the point? A Facebook status rado, caught  re, fallen into a ravine, and Facebook and MySpace are self-evident. other terrorists to RSVP. Or take the update couched in the most consciously his  rst thought was to tweet. at’s de- As a result, 20% of all British tweeters cyberwarfare route – I for one do not twee vocab. ‘Tweeting’ is for Looney ranged. But the lesson for tweeters here are over 55 years old. ey all read about want to be poked by Al-Qaeda. But a Tunes characters, not rational adults. is stick at the tweeting game and you’re the new sensation sweeping the nation’s twerrorist? Very hard to take seriously. It’s spawned its own annoying lan- bound to end up posting something young and trendy. Except we weren’t: we It’s also di cult to declare a full-blown guage. You take a word, used by normal interesting: Mr Wilson’s previous tweets were all on Facebook, and still are. twihad in 140 characters. So Twitter people, and replace the  rst syllable with had told the world that he had just  lled Editors didn’t really understand the might mean victory in the war on ter- tw-. So you go ‘tweet up’ with someone: his car with petrol and that his  shing technology, but were determined to ror. But it’s also a victory for vapidity, Week 1: Iran clever, eh? If you’re really good, stick to trip had sadly been cancelled. push it at all costs, concerned about uselessness and irrelevance. the twetiquette and don’t twis anyone, But technology shouldn’t require losing their place in the market to here are few trips more daunt- you might become part of the twitterati. such an insane level of commitment – it new media. By doing so, they actually ing in the globalised age than It’s like a Furby learned English. should be helpful, and obviously help- created another rival for our nation’s Tone whose stated destination begins Maybe I’m being a tweetard and ful. Spotify is another Next Big ing, limited attention span, one which with ‘ e Islamic Republic Of,’ missing the point. But I’ve done some but it is also Quite A Useful ing. As should never have been a competitor. particularly when that trip is made proper journalistic research on this much free music as you want – good. e UK launch of Wired is welcome, with a head full of peroxide and a topic. Encouraged by the examples of All you have to do to get it is sometimes since this magazine understands what pierced ear. celebrities like Obama, Stephen Fry listen to ‘Dan from Spotify’ (Spotify technology is supposed to do: make our Popular perceptions of Iran in and, er, Sarah Brown, I signed up. employees don’t have surnames. It’s the lives better. ey’re less likely to hop on Britain are worryingly di erent from With an acute sense of the moment, internet.) gently urge you to upgrade to to bandwagons and may even slow the reality. is is probably because I posted my  rst ever tweet: “Tom is Premium, and frankly you don’t have to momentum of those already rolling. Western media coverage of Iran on twitter.” Not stunningly original, pay attention. It’s too late with Twitter though. It’s generally depends on the words but accurate enough. I sat back and You can see the point of Spotify here to stay, in all its inanity. It is, of ‘nuclear’ and ‘threat.’ e truth is that waited. Surely it was only a matter time immediately though, and it hasn’t had course, very easy to play the sceptic. Iranians are among the most kind before Barack re-tweeted “!!LOL dnt b nearly as much hype as Twitter. And at’s why I do it. and socially relaxed people in the a failwhale tom, cum join the twit- because it is obviously useful, it has Perhaps there is some world. e prohibition of alcohol – terverse!:-)!!” or Fry invited me to share nearly as many users already. I might be bene t in Twitter. something many Britons consider a a small li with him. missing the point of Twitter, but good According to breach of human rights – encourages A month later and my tweet count technology announces its function. a US army a culture of discussion and respect. stands at four. Despite this, I have seven A sharpened piece of  int makes you intelligence Ahmadinejad’s speeches and ‘followers’, which in real life would think it will be good for killing other report, terror- Islamic government lack any real constitute a minor cult, but is small cavemen. A Segway scooter makes you ists are now tweeting. popular support, particularly among fry compared to Stephen’s 431,404. It wonder what the fuck to do. “Twitter is already being the country’s large middle class, might be that I’m not showing enough e popularity of the useless Twitter used by some members to post who have been hit hardest by poor commitment. can be blamed – and someone should be and/or support extremist ideologies and economic performance. While in Isfahan, I witnessed President Ah- madinejad announce a new nuclear reactor to an audience of around 10,000. is might suggest a signi - Declan cant amount of support if it weren’t for the fact that around half of those Clancy Worst Place in the World? attending had been paid to be there. Iranians are angry at Ahmadinejad for the economic mess they are in, It’s London and many refuse to vote because they do not wish to endorse Islamic government. would rather start out some- from? I’m from Brixton bruv.” Was tion, but unavoidable biology. ose revel in the fact we’re getting the tube However, in rejecting the image of where small, like London” - I really supposed to know where or who live there just cannot grasp what to Camden Town. I cannot hide my Iranians as fanatical religious warri- Britney“I Spears. what Brixton is? A couple of weeks to travel into London is for those of us own delight at how cosmopolitan I am ors, I am in danger of building up an Brilliant. I take back everything bad later, a friend and I were discussing a who don’t do it much. when I return home. “Yah, I’ve been equally prevalent stereotype of Iran I’ve ever said about Britney Spears. few bands. He remarked that he was First of all, to go to London is mas- in London. It’s no big deal. Have you as a country of helpless individuals She is a musical genius. Her children not a fan of a lot of artists because sive. It’s scary and exciting. Before I seen my Oyster Card?” (the necessary oppressed by Islamic totalitarianism. will grow up perfectly normal. She did his delicate ears weren’t fond of their last went I met a Londoner friend and buy for any man who can count the Islamic government and Ahmadine- lose her virginity at twenty-one. “regional accents”. I nearly choked on mentioned I was going that night. number of times he’s been to London jad’s Presidency are popular among Apparently unbeknownst to all of my steak and ale pie. Never mind my “Oh, that’ll be nice,” he said. Nice? on one hand). the poor who prefer the asceticism you living in the Greater London area, pint of Boddingtons Bitter. Pre-2004 Nice has got nothing to do with it. I become a small, small boy in a and morally principled rule of the there are other places, and other people vintage of course. is is a bloody adventure, a voyage of big, big city, and it knocks me for clerics to the opulence of the Shahs. in Britain. And we’re not overly fond of ere’s only one thing better than mammoth proportions. I’m going to six. As a loyal and proud Mancunian Furthermore, Iranians are not you. Nor are we fond of how so much this mockery of regional accents: this otherworldly place for the night. I’m loathe to emphasise any form of oppressed on a daily level. e hijab of Britain is London-centric. Why are when Londoners attempt regional ac- For the night? It’s taken me three di erence between how I react when I has been reduced by many to a thin London Underground maps in the enter the two, but there is. And it’s not veil of material, barely covering the back of diaries? I don’t see a page de- just because I’m used to Manchester. hair, and the amount of make-up voted to the Altrincham-Bury Metro- “We’re not overly fond of you Londoners” I’ve been to Birmingham, Dublin, worn by some Iranian women link. Oh, and the less said about the Glasgow, and they are not the same. would shock a drag queen. In £9 billion the government is burning London’s overwhelming in the same liberal cities like Shiraz and Tehran, on the London Olympics the better. I cents themselves. Mancunians become weeks to mentally prepare for this trip way as New York is; two vast behe- people do as they please. And many could bloody well fund the Olympics if Scousers, Scousers become Scots, and and I’m only going for the night? moths, domineering and alien. Iranians are proud of their moral I had a pound for every time I’ve had Newcastle becomes nowhere. Once you  nally work up the Now this isn’t me going so and code which guards against many of to endure Londoners having ‘hilarious And how do we sound? Well, to courage to go, there’s that stir in the crossing the anti-London picket line. I the issues Western societies su er chat’ about how everything above the many Londoners, simple. e large gut, and a rush of adrenalin. It’s the still bloody hate the place, even more from: crime rates are startlingly low, Watford Gap counts as ‘the North’. majority of those living in the pristine actual length of the trip to get there, so for the fact that it does move me. for example. is ignorance is one of the most shelter of the Greater London dialect the sheer scale and size of the place, To best explain it I can only return Iran su ers from authoritarian universal truths of Londoners: they cannot deny that their  rst response the buildings you catch a glimpse of to the mentality of the nine-year-old rule, economic depression and a have no comprehension of anything to a Northern accent is to think the as you arrive. I’m nine years old again, once again. London is the girl in class culture more absurdly paradoxical that exists outside that circle of hell person stupid. respiring on the glass, yearning to try who makes me feel a little bit weird, a than any other. But Iranians have a which is the M25. Once, whilst in All these things aside, here’s the and get the  rst sight of the places you little bit queasy. is in turn makes me unique spirit that brings into ques- the scrum for Cindies entry, a fel- kicker, the real thing that grinds my see on TV. It’s the street names, the more and more mean to her; I prod tion our own notions of freedom low scholar and I exchanged a few gears about London. It’s the feeling I street signs themselves. If the font is and poke her, throw mud in her eyes, and happiness, particularly when we choice words. Squaring up to a  ght, get when I go there. Regardless of how fascinating, the postcodes are riveting: snap her pencils. Yet, the second I’m face problems of our own. he pu ed out his chest and proudly much you hate the place, it exudes an Camden, Westminster, Pimlico! Lon-  nally alone with her, I  utter, panic, Jack Rivlin declared: “Do you know where I’m undeniable magic. is is not a ec- doners stare at me in confusion as I and go very weak at the knees. Friday April 24th 2009 Get it off your chest: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Comment 11

Spk yr brains

e Wit and Wisdom of the World Wide Web

Week 1: MPs’ expenses

Nothing Gormless Clown and his motley mob do, except calling an election ASAP, will restore my con - dence. “Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once”.

oliver_cromwell, Glasgow

Of course it won’t restore con dence.  e horse has bolted, the pigs have their snouts in the trough and the cat is out of the bag.

Animal Farm - you better beieve it!!

maninthestreet, Cheltenham, UK

ANNA TRENCH Seems that Christmas has come all at once. Hugo [email protected] Snoughts im the trough limke Schmidt novodys buysiness. It’s a national e Return to Areopagitica disgrace the way they carry on./ i subscribe regularly to the guido Free speech is under threat again, this time from religion fawkes blog and have been DIS- GUSTED utterly disgusted and sickl to my stomach with the behaviour of he recent non-binding UN support for Japanese Imperialism, the might contain some grain of truth, and the fuss. Similarly, when Channel this little crowd, let by ther scots and Tresolution 62/154 (prohibiting Hindu persecution of untouchables, or would certainly force us to re-examine Four’s documentary Undercover mcbrown and mcpoison and his crew the o ending of the religious) is the the various Islamic genocides in East what we think we know. I have deep- Mosque detailed the calls for murder of numpties.  ey want to legalise latest outrage against freedom of Timor, Armenia, and Sudan (amongst ened my knowledge of evolutionary against Jews, Hindus and gays coming homosexuality and take us back to speech and opinion. It closely follows others), religion is the greatest creator theory by debunking creationism, from mainstream mosques, the Crown the 50s as they rip out all that britain Canada’s prosecution of Mark Steyn, and intensi er of human hatred. sharpened my understanding of the Prosecution Service decided to pros- used to be in the victorian era: hard- the Birmingham Repository  eatre But let us have no false moral human species’ unity by criticizing ecute the makers and not the imams. working, proud of its heritage and discontinuing the play Behtzi, the bar- equivalence. All religions have his- eugenics, and gained a deeper respect As I would not be censored, I will with an empire that covered half the ring of Geert Wilders from the United tories of cruelty, but they are by no for the abolitionists by studying the not be a censor. Cambridge recently globe. i am sick to my elbows of this Kingdom, the hounding of Ayaan means equal or equivalent. It should arguments supporting slavery. held an ‘Experience Islam’ week. Well, bejhavour and will not let it continue. Hirsi Ali from the Netherlands, the come as no surprise that the reli- Even if this truth was mutable and I happen to be deeply o ended by the NOT IN MY NAME MR BLAIR if blocking of Richard Dawkins’s website gion pushing for this measure is the there were some theoretical virtue in mendacious nonsense peddled at this we’re going to go to war with anyone in Turkey, and the slew of prosecutions one most addicted to violence and censorship, to whom will the power event, the wholesale whitewash of y not go to war with the green lobby, against Oriana Fallaci in the months bloodshed, and the one that is most be given to decide what is and is not oppression and genocide it promoted. based in sctoland, who are telling us preceding her death. willing to pursue censorship through permissible? I cannot think of a single I claim that right. I do not claim the we cant drive or cars or make love to  e premise underlying all these extra-judicial threats and fatwas. person, living or dead, to whom I right to try and forbid the women anymore. sick sick sick a sad can be stated as follows: “ e opin-  is resolution originates in a would give the power to decide what event and to threaten day for this country ps. I see oxbridge ions of some are o ensive to others, meeting held in Tehran, where mobs I could read. Certainly not the violence if I am not is alive and well. and therefore these opinions’ authors routinely use mushroom clouds as bureaucrats of the UN, and heeded.  ough honesttaxpayer, bedford must be silenced.”  is mush is usually banners while calling for the annihila- de nitely not the gangsters in perhaps if I spiced with attempts to amalgamate tion of Israel, and whose president Tehran. did and drew Rules are rules. they will now go to discrimination by race with discrimi- denies the last Holocaust while prepar- Pushers of censorship millions of the EU court of human rights to nation by religion. ing for the next one.  is self-same usually claim to defend deluded protest, of course!  e moral and logical o ence regime now pushes a document that vulnerable minorities.  is followers should be obvious. Racism is an evil asks in shocked indignation how ignores a lethal paradox: a with me, EnglishnotBritish (or european) because human beings do not di er anyone could associate Islam with vulnerable minority will, my views according to pigmentation. Yet they do violence – while cries of “ e Jews almost by de nition, never would be I remember when I was conducting di er vastly according to the content to the gas!” rise not merely from the have the political power to accorded an interview with a young girl called of their skulls, of which religion may streets of Damascus, Qom and Riyadh, make such laws work for more Tracey Playle and she said to me that be the most important example.  is but in Amsterdam, Fort Lauderdale them.  is is why, when ‘r e s p e c t ’. she wanted to serve her country by distinction was drawn by Dr King and Toronto. the air was full of calls for becoming a Member of Parliament. when he spoke of the day when men I for one refuse to be spoken to beheadings and promises She couldn’t read Greek and didn’t would be judged by the contents of like that. I reserve the right, not of a second Holocaust, know who Hitler was so I let loose their character and not the colour of merely to say what I want, but, more the British police with a whirlwind of gender-based their skin. importantly, to read what I want. decided that the real abuse and accused her of being a Criticism of religion is not merely a  is second half of free expression purveyor of hate stupid little oik from Essex. She didn’t right. It is a responsibility. For all the is very o en forgotten, but nonethe- speech was the deny it, running out of the room resolution’s loose talk about human less central to the classic texts on this student of Clare crying instead. Pathetic what girls are understanding and ending ‘hate’, it is matter (Milton’s Areopagitica et al). If College who like in Blair’s Britain today isn’t it cf. precisely religion that is the great- all mankind were agreed on the truth reprinted the Richard Littlejohn. est source of blind, irrational hu- of a proposition, any single heretic’s cartoons man hatred. Whether the Christian dissident opinion would be of utmost at the [email protected] doctrine of deicide, the Buddhist importance, because it might be right, centre of Edit this paper Applications are invited to edit Varsity in May If you have any questions, please e-mail the Week or Michaelmas 2009, or to be a section current editors, Hugo Gye & Michael Stothard, editor. on [email protected].

Application forms are available for download Positions include News Editor, Comment Editor, from varsity.co.uk/jobs Sport Editor, Features Editor, Arts Editor, e deadline for editorial applications is eatre Editor, Reviews Editor, Fashion Editor, Monday April 27th. e deadline for section Science Editor, Food & Drink Editor, Arts editor applications is Friday May 29th. Critic, Photographer, Illustrator

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Photograph of the week by Charlotte Runcie t was one of the last really “Iwarm days of sum- mer, and everyone had taken to the river. ere were so many punts that there was a fairly solid tra c jam all the way from Trinity to the Mathemati- cal Bridge, and a few unfortunate ducks had become trapped in the middle. Suddenly they  ew up in the air. I like all of the di erent reactions on people’s faces in this photo, from amused to nervous to all out hands- in-front-of-your- face terror. And in the middle of it all are the punters, trying to steer everyone safely around each other, and the ducks making their escape.”

If you have a potential Photo- graph of the week, send it to features@ varsity.co.uk

My week by Percy de Pontefract, Gentleman Vagrant* Saturday JOE HUNTER Mary’s. e bounders didn’t seem all the University Library and implored Funny cove, Bertie. I remember when trying to revise. Now and then I took Woke up this morning with the sun that interested. passers-by to throw away their books we played rugger together for the Cor- a break from this important work for on my face and the cobblestones of and bask in the sun with me. I was pus XV he was always the one to lead some liquid refreshment. Occasion- my alfresco mattress digging into Monday having di culty getting my words out, the charge, so to speak, in the post- ally, a bleary face peered out at me and my back. I was awakened, not by my In   y years I’ve seen them come and however; I’m not sure I got my message match qua ng. He dashed away into quickly looked away again despite the preferred method of a 9am urination go, these rosy-cheeked young whipper- across. College, mumbling something about a dance and song I would perform when that warms my legs as it rouses, but by snappers, and it never ceases to amaze meeting. Jolly strange, really, that half this happened. Foolish young black- a student trundling a suitcase over my me how wonderfully oblivious they are. Wednesday a century a er graduation we’re both guards, all of them. If I had been in feet. Oh. ey’re back, are they? I felt is morning I took a walk through Saw Bertie today, and chased the cad still here: him as a professor, and me, their position,   y years ago, revising this warranted a drink, so I expelled the Sidgwick Site, armed with an old down King’s Parade so I could cadge a the same old Percy who used to chuck for some dreary exam in the College the remainder of last night’s port art- Big Issue and a lovely vintage of Breu few pennies for a lovely mellow whisky pebbles at the library window when he library, and had looked out to see a fully onto my shoes, and dashed to the d’Especiale. I brandished my tattered to go with the cigar end I’d found was trying to revise. jolly old Percy cajoling me and singing nearest vendor of a crisp vin blanc. magazine at harrowed chaps emerg-  oating in the river. He pretended not about drink, and sun, and all the good Spent the rest of the day picking up ing from one building only to scurry to see me, so it took me  ve minutes ursday things in life, I know what I would have cigarette ends in the Market Square determinedly towards another. It was to catch him thanks to the old gout. I spent today chucking pebbles at done. La vie est belle. and o ering tourists erudite speeches as if I wasn’t there. When I did he looked a dash embar- library windows where silly students on the architectural merits of Great St I took up a perch on the steps of rassed, and fobbed me o with a  ver. were sitting hunched over their books, * As told to Joe Hunter

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS HERE): You are a bacon sandwich. A humanoid sarnie, it’s true, but a sarnie nevertheless. Anyway, you’re doing a spot of leche-vitrine on King’s Parade - eating fudge, and that - and you remember you’re peckish for a bit of real nosh. So you pop into the Eagle and ask for a steak. But the barman is having none of it. He points aggressively at a sign. It says: p14 “We don’t serve food.” p15 “Have you paid and displayed?” Food & Drink Editors: Jonathan Franklin & Amanda Palin Friday April 24th 2009 14 Food & Drink [email protected] varsity.co.uk

hungover Editor-at-Large Ed Cumming crawls off the beaten track for a Ed at large bloody mary hangover cure at b-bar he nocturnal exploits of once sat two rows behind John Virgo but the failure of an enemy will always Your choices in this regard are Cambridge students are well- on the National Express to Luton and boost my soul. somewhat limited. You don’t want Tdocumented. In fact, alongside the almost missed my plane. All of which is rather a long way a curry or a pizza. Toast is good, latest CUSU ents scandal, and the And also, on the whole, drinking is of getting to my point, which is particularly with marmalade, since occasional story about scientists dangerous. Newspapers are keen on that after these benders we students it tastes exactly the same coming up inventing a pig which can lick its own the idea that the glamorous, hard- are entitled to feel a bit sorry for as it does going down, but not many bum, nightlife inspires more column working, intelligent young people ourselves, though we should also places do marmalade. inches than anything else about the of the University also enjoy running remember, very quickly, that we’re Usually I find myself outside Ta University. Only last term a photo of a around in their pants trying to kiss still better than everyone else in the Bouche in these circumstances, and bikini- and cellophane-wrapped lovely then immediately afterwards I move drinking on her knees adorned the inside Ta Bouche, where the man- pages of some quite respectable news- ager nods and fetches the nachos. papers, as well as the Daily Telegraph. This week, however, I was drawn This is a consequence of a broader to B-Bar, opposite. This place has a rule, which is that the only thing that refreshingly imposing ‘no children’ anyone’s ever been interested in as en- policy, with an age barrier of 21 tertainment is attractive people doing that’s very funny if you’re a stu- dangerous stuff. dent, since it scythes through And on the whole, Cambridge your group like the height people are attractive. Not all of them, limit at Alton Towers. certainly, but the majority, com- The place is like a temple pared to the world at large, which is to the hangover breakfast. a very ugly place. For anyone who It has a very high ceiling so doubts this, I recommend that the you don’t get a headache, and next time you are on a bus or a train it also provides you with news- with another Cambridge person, papers so you don’t have to waste you conduct a short but lively each other (with tongues), sleeping in country, and behave accordingly. The your money on them. Since it’s also experiment. In this experiment you bins, vomiting into their handbags and best way to achieve this is to have a a bar, you get the sense that you’re imagine having sex with everyone on then eating a kilogramme of starchy huge, decadent and restorative meal, revisiting the scene of the crime, the bus, irrespective of gender, and cheese. They wring their hands with in which you talk loudly about what a as well as the best brunch menu in try to count the number of people glee over hospital visits and brawls, good time you had last night and pity town and wireless internet for going whom you would prefer to your revelling in the second (and related) everyone that wasn’t with you being on YouTube. I’d never go at night- current travelling partner. Very few, fundamental human joy which is the attractive and dangerous too. This time – it’s probably too dangerous – I predict. If you play this game a lot failure of those more talented than meal should include a Bloody Mary, but in the morning it made me feel it becomes hazardous to travel, as you. Gore Vidal said that a piece of several phone calls revealing minor very attractive. Anywhere that can you’ll find yourself having to depart him died every time a friend of his scandal, the purchase of newspapers do that with some smoked salmon, certain vehicles for fear of causing succeeded, and the opposite is equally which remain unread and a pile of some eggs and some hot bread has irreparable psychic damage. I was true. Maybe I’m a sad, petty little man, very unhealthy food. got to be worth a visit.

hours spent in solitude? richard dorrell makes sure that you’ll have cupboard lovers You’ll Never Eat Alone to soften the exam term loneliness students can’t live on cheese alone. Reheat bowl of magnificent soup/ It seems a little churlish to give you stew/casserole/curry in microwave, Sudanese Potatoes Summery Rhubarb Thing my favourite recipe for a heartwarm- sex it up, add a generous handful of ing soup/stew/casserole/curry given salad, fruit and hey presto! An appe- Serves 4 Serves 4 that you probably have several any- tizing meal in exactly four minutes. ho needs to cook during the way, but you may be wondering how Alternating with noodles, pasta, True to much East African food, this This is to remind you that good times exam term? You – kitchen to keep it interesting over several rice, steamed vegetables and flat bread is substantial, aggressively spiced, and await those who complete the term. facilitiesW permitting – for a number meals. (laffa, pitta, naan) will provide some very difficult not to eat. Even the busi- Kewra water is an extract of the of reasons. much needed relief from your mo- est of revisers will be able to find the pandan tree (the larger brother of the Firstly, this is definitely a term to notonous schedule. What more could ingredients locally, as garam masala is monkey-puzzle tree), and is easily ob- eat adequately, and eat well. Don’t you ask for? (Apart from a ceasefire sold in most shops on the Mill Road. tainable from any Asian supermarket; rely on acid reflux to provide you from the endless Tripos cannons. Or if you do not wish to make the trip, with all your vital nutrients. possibly world peace. Whatever.) 2 tbsp oil either substitute with something else Secondly, revision imposes its own There is one other thing that 2 large red onions, coarsely chopped fragrant or leave it entirely. circadian rhythms on us all, and the springs to mind. One of the true 1 bulb (in its entirety) of garlic, broken likelihood is that at some point these calamities of exam scheduling during into cloves rhythms are not going to coincide early summer is that some of the 4 large – jacket size – potatoes, diced with subsidised halls, picturesque greatest feelgood local produce one in 1-inch chunks cafés, or even the opening times of could think of – fresh asparagus, 2 tins tomatoes any notable national supermarket. tangy rhubarb, and those cherries 4 red chillies, finely chopped Thirdly, it has to be said: there are in which any of us could happily eat 3 tbsp garam masala just occasional, brief periods between our own bodyweight – are practically A spoon to mix it all up with April and June in which you may not gone by May Week, and I would urge Probably a bowl want to revise. For those moments you to take an hour to remind your- Seasoning when Shackling The Queen: An In- self of the season, even if the idyllic 1 bag spinach, washed 4 sticks of rhubarb, sliced into 1 inch quiry into Bee Gender just seems a bit spring sunshine doesn’t prevail. Yoghurt or feta cheese, and limes, to lengths too much, cooking a mighty pot of Reason four for cooking during serve 2 limes deliciousness is a productive method the exam term: sometimes, in spite of 1 orange of procrastination, and will save you everything else you should be doing, Fry the onions in the oil for three 2 tbsp demerara sugar time over the remainder of the week. As with an essay that on repeat it can make you feel inordinately minutes; add the garlic, and cook for a 1 tbsp kewra water So what to eat? One-Pot Wonders reading seems to become pro- happy. Which Twixes at your desk further two. Add all of the remaining (not noodles) are actually a relatively gressively more bereft of original can’t. Don’t stew in silence, get some ingredients other than the spinach, Place the rhubarb in a casserole dish; smart choice during revision, insofar thought, the solution is spin-doctor friends and do it collectively. yoghurt and lime; add water to cover, sprinkle with sugar and squeeze over as they take minimal effort, can be simple: sex it up. I like to keep a few There are, while we are on the and simmer for upwards of one hour, the citrus juice. Place under a hot grill reheated endlessly, and are likely to ingredients on hand throughout subject of advice, other pastimes to until the potatoes begin to collapse for five minutes until the rhubarb is provide the complex carbohydrates the term – some yoghurt, citrus, an kick start your seratonin in the exam into the sauce. Stir in the spinach. tender but still retains its shape; alter- conducive to maintaining concentra- enormous bunch of herbs from the filled times. Chiefly sex, really rowdy Serve topped with a squeeze of lime natively, two minutes in the microwave tion at the desk for long hours. No market and some monstrously fierce sex with a cherry on top, but I’ll leave juice, and either a spoonful of yoghurt should suffice. Stir in kewra water, and complaints from the Atkins camp, for chilli chutney. that to the sex columnist. or a few cubes of feta. smile.

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): Indeed, it says, “We don’t serve food.” That’s exactly what it says. But this is obviously un peu ambiguous. Do the coves at The Eagle mean that they no longer maintain an Aga? Or do they still have Agas, but would rather not use them to nourish humanoid bacon sarnies, such as your good self? »p16 Agas are out. »p17 They just don’t sell food. Friday April 24th 2009 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Columnists 15

WhatUNABLE TO FIND ANYONE TO the GO TO THE CAMBRIDGE Folk? FOLK FESTIVAL WITH HIM, ROB PEAL ASKS WHY ENGLISH FOLK MUSIC MAKES PEOPLE CRINGE here are many reasons to be envi- YouTube and you will see what I mean. Stevens was planning to write an album ous of the Irish. ey are charming, Most English artists from the last inspired by each of the   y states of Tthey are witty, and they have an accent few decades who have claimed the America. Can you imagine Laura Mar- so amiable that even if they’re violently mantle of ‘folk’ – such as Nick Drake, ling claiming that she planned to do the abusive it still makes you feel warm and Davy Graham and more recently Jonny same with English counties, starting fuzzy inside. ere are fewer reasons to Flynn – have in fact been playing a with an evocation of poaching eels in be envious of the Americans, but none- version of American folk. ere are Lincolnshire before moving on to an theless they do have deep-pan pizzas, currently artists such as Seth Lakeman elegy to Somerset cider-presses? It just Competition Barack Obama and e Wire. and Bellowhead who attempt to record sounds absurd. However, one overriding reason for authentic English folk music which is Perhaps this is just a symptom of a Each week we set a di erent crea- the English to be jealous of these two palatable to pop sensibilities. However, wider trouble that the English are per- tive writing exercise.  e person who nations is their traditional music. Both there remains something essential to ennially uncomfortable with celebrating submits the winning entrance has Irish and American folk music have their sound that makes the majority of their national heritage. It could be a their story printed in the next week’s amalgamated with pop and come out music fan’s toes curl. Irrelevant of their sense of collective guilt for England’s Varsity, and is rewarded with two free the other side as fresh and healthy as quality, play these songs to your friends blemished history that makes its cur- tickets to an ADC  eatre show. ever, which is far more than can be said and you will be met with a reaction rent inhabitants so unsure about how for their English counterpart. English akin to admitting that you attend Star to treat its traditions. is would ring Final competition: An exercise by John Gardner: A man is waiting at a bus folk seems to be unable to pull itself out Trek conventions. Basically, English folk true with the o en repeated observa- stop. He has just learned that his son has died violently. Describe the setting of the connotations of lame rural in- is hopelessly uncool. tion that, while the English are more from the man’s point of view without telling your reader what has happened. nocence and Why should this be? Americans than happy to dye their hair green and How will the street look? What are the sounds? Odours? Colours? What will warbling remain hip while revelling in down pints of Guinness on Paddy’s day, his clothes feel like? simple- a folk tradition stretching we are uncomfortably confused by how tons. from Woodie Guthrie and to spend St George’s day. What music Type Bob Dylan all the way to would you put on the jukebox – Chas Winner: Ewan the Fleet Foxes and Lam- & Dave? McColl bchop today. Similarly, the Maybe this is just making excuses for ere is a man and a woman. e woman is wearing a black coat into Irish have the Pogues, Susan the fact that English folk music is, and with a tight band around the waist. e man is lost in the bus Sharon and Damien Dempsey always has been, fundamentally rubbish. timetable which is nailed to the side of the shelter. It is a brittle as popular modern providers But I have my suspicions. e reception of traditional tunes. But em- of art depends so much on preconceived cold day near the end of the week and the air smells slightly sweet, bracing English traditions ideas of taste that music will always be like liquorice. It is very quiet and the  ecked tarmac of the road is would be musical suicide judged more on its connotations than its unrelenting. for any English pop musi- innate quality. So until it gets rid of con- cian. is thought  rst notations of fat, bearded sandal-wearers I see that the number eighteen stops here three times a day. occurred to me a few who drink real ale and learn Tolkien by years back when I heard rote, English folk music will remain a that folk singer Su an minority pursuit. ere has been snow at some point and the ground is compact and unyielding. e air is still – so still that the woman’s breath makes smoke that curls in on itself and hangs in the air like fog on a windowpane. e cheap thin plastic sheet protecting the bus timetable is fogged as well, although there is a small patch where the man has wiped the condensation away. He can see through that small patch alone the writing on the timetable clearly.

It is printed in Times New Roman in red and white in six columns. I think that the di erent columns correspond to the di erent buses. MISSION: TO DELVE INTO CAMBRIDGE’S SECRET ORIFICES Although still, the air is cold and it numbs the hands of the man. He is wearing corduroy trousers which are a bit ridiculous - out of WEEK 1: TRINITY COLLEGE BAR fashion and too thin. His feet look strangely small. e woman is ’ve heard that you can walk from “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear he sleeps in here a er closing time in wearing heavy black gloves. e tendrils of mist from her mouth ICambridge to Scotland without ever that,” I declared as we entered the preference to spending several hours dri terribly slowly across the empty shelter. It is sometime in the leaving land owned by Trinity. Or is it expanse of Great Court. trying to  nd his room again. a ernoon and the lig ht is very vivid, as if the scene is carved in France? I’m pretty sure they own the All in vain, however. Yes: it seems It was only when H and I sat down Channel Tunnel, anyway. I applied to that knowing the precise whereabouts with our wine that the paranoia started relief. my College by mistake, and ever since of a prospective drink turns me into a to creep over me. is place was just I have regarded the huge edi ce next homing pigeon these days, and pres- too damn small – and what was with I think I understand it now: each bus follows its own schedule. If door with greedy eyes. ently we were standing guiltily outside the weird watercolour on the label of you run down the correct column, you can see exactly when your “It’s so big,” I whisper as I walk a locked door, our minor-college cards the college white? Looked like some- past each day; “So powerful.” It’s got a not containing the right electronic thing aimed at placating tourists to me. bus will arrive. statue of Henry VIII over the gate, and juice to get us inside. Soon enough an H murmured to me about how young he was a fat man who liked a drink. unnervingly polite man of indetermi- everybody else in the room looked. I Sean Lovett e bar invasion was a must. It had nate age and fashion sense let us in, slapped the table. to happen eventually. Not because it and I beheld the scene. “You’re right,” I fumed, “they look would be hard, or even very interest- e place was small, quite small, like fucking sixth-formers.” I could SPECIAL EASTER CREATIVE WRITING FUN ZONE ing, but because I had to see the beast and virtually empty. Sure, they had smell conspiracy, and I was incensed; from the inside. I imagined a vast, the kit (TVs and games tables) and but a few faces turned towards us, so I Pick out the similarities (there are at least ten) between the following two palatial hall, long tables, and golden free magazines, but this bar was ugly quietened down. pictures, and you could win two cases of Varsity wine. E-mail funzone@ goblets hoisted alo by hundreds of as sin with a large piece of highly “ is isn’t the REAL bar,” I hissed at varsity.co.uk with your answers. merry Trinitarians. questionable artwork on one wall and H, “this must be some place they fob It would be an adventure, I decided shit-coloured chairs carefully arranged outsiders o with.” as I made my approach along Trin- at strange angles. I was blinded by the e real place had to be somewhere ity Street, even to  nd the bar in so over-bright lighting, deafened by the else, I thought, underground probably, vast a place. e prospect of questing over-loud music, and in a state of great and these strangely youthful people through the dark and silent College perturbation lurched over to the bar must be social rejects and outsiders thrilled me strangely. When I met and asked for wine. In my confusion excluded from the proper venue. I H outside the gate, however, she in- I forgot to look like a native, but the would be damned if I was going to be formed me primly of the exact location barman didn’t blink. is College is one of them. We drank quickly and of the watering hole, having looked it so gigantic, I thought, he probably returned to our own College bar. It felt up beforehand on the internet. doesn’t recognise anyone in here. I bet like coming home.

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): You haven’t actually, so you go and park your car properly. p13 And continue on your merry way. Fashion Editors: Kate Womersley, Alice Newell-Hanson & Katy King Friday April 24th 2009 Friday April 24th 2009 Contribute to Varsity Fashion: 16 Fashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk varsity.co.uk [email protected] Fashion 17 SPRING FASHION A-Z R. BAY: RINGING REY IS FOR ROP TOPS NEON LIFE VINTAGE ALMAIN ARDENS ASYMMETRIC MARTENS THE FAMILY VINTAGE A B C D LULLIE VINTAGE CLOTHING FE G AILS: LEOPARD PRINT OR HEAVY N METALS ELLIES

J ICHELLE IGH M OBAMA HWAISTS EDS K UTNET.COM O P LAY SUITS SABEL MARANT I IOLET UICKSAND ODARTE BY LA ROUX R V EYES L IBERTY PRINT SHIRTS Q - STRAPS IS FOR EAH IPS HOULDER X EAH Z PADS Y EAHS S IE DYE ILLIAMSON P-TURNED FOR H&M T U CUFFS W Want something listed? Friday April 24th 2009 18 Listings [email protected] varsity.co.uk the Varsity Week The comprehensive guide to the next seven days

Theatre Music & Nightlife Art & Classical Talks & Events Film

Friday 24th Friday 24th Ongoing Exhibitions Friday 24th In The Loop Dan Atkinson & Andy Zaltzman Noise Ensemble Fitzwilliam Museum (free): Cambridge Wordfest 2009 Arts Picturehouse: (daily) 11.45am The Junction: 8pm, (£10-£12) Corn Exchange: 7.30pm (£16.50) • Changing faces: Anthony Van Various locations, times and prices (Sun only), 2.10pm (except Sun/Wed), Catch two comedic corkers from the Spectacular drumming ensemble Dyck as an etcher (until May 31st) Cambridge’s four-day literary festi- 4.30pm (except Sat/Sun), 6.45pm (ex- 2008 Edinburgh Festival coming to bring their rhythmic assault, • The Immortal Stone – Chinese val started yesterday and runs until cept Fri/Wed), 9.10pm (except Mon), Cambridge for one very special night tour-honed at Glastonbury and jades (until May 31st) Sunday 26th. Andrew Motion will 11.30pm (Fri/Sat only) only. London’s South Bank, to Cam- • Kachōfūgetsu – the natural world make an appearance in his last week Sharp political satire from the bridge. in Japanese prints (until May of tenure as Poet Laureate, David writers behind Alan Partridge. See Sunday 26th 17th) Starkey will be discussing Henry review p27. Rapunzel & The Tower of Doom Tuesday 28th Kettle’s Yard (free): VIII and there’s a celebration of The Junction: 11am and 2pm, (£5-£9) Lloyd Cole • David Ward: Slow Time (until Newnham College’s contributions to I Love You, Man In this daring new adaptation of eve- The Junction 2: 8pm (£17 adv.) May 10th, see our review p27) the literary world. For details go to Vue: (daily) 12.30pm (Fri and Mon/ ryone’s favourite fairy tale Rapunzel is Back in the 80s, Lloyd Cole and Museum of Arch and Anth (free): www.cambridgewordfest.co.uk. Tues only), 3pm (not Weds/Thurs), bald, on account of which the Prince the Commotions were founders of • Assembling Bodies: Art, Science 5.30pm (not Weds/Thurs), 8pm is forced to use a ladder to climb up the college rock genre, along with and Imagination (until May 30th) (not Weds/Thurs), 9.20pm (Weds/ the tower. R.E.M. et al. Now Cole is doing a • Pouhaki: Historic Maori Flagpole Thurs only), 10.30pm (Fri/Sat only), solo tour of the country, stopping Botanic Garden (free): 11.45pm (Weds only) Antigone at the Junction tonight. Insert • Carnivores: Plants That Bite Back Expect plenty of guy humour and Judith E. Wilson Drama Studio: 10pm joke about causing a commotion (until December 31st, see Pick of faux-awkwardness about male inti- (free) here. the Week) macy in this comedy featuring Paul Did you wake up this morning to find Rudd going on ‘man dates’ to find a yourself thinking that you wanted Friday 24th best man for his wedding. Watch out something that was simultaneously for Andy ‘I’m On A Boat’ Samberg in Harpsichord recital a supporting role. Greek, tragic and free? Well, you know Robinson College Chapel: 6.30pm where to go. Runs until Sunday 26th (free) State of Play (except Saturday 25th). Bobby Maguire performs seven- Poetry Reading at Queens’ Bowett Room, Queens’ College: 8pm Arts Picturehouse: (daily) 12.15pm teenth- and eighteenth-century (not Tue-Thu), 3pm (not Tue), Tuesday 28th French keyboard music. (free) English Touring Opera The Dial Society presents readings 5.45pm (not Mon/Tue), 8.30pm, Arts Theatre: 7.30pm (£15-£30) Sunday 26th from contemporary poets Ian Pat- 11.15pm (Fri/Sat only) Have you always wanted to see The terson and Tom Raworth. Tues only: 11.00am, 3.30pm, 6pm, Fitzwilliam Quartet 40th 8.30pm Magic Flute by Mozart and Katya Anniversary Concert Kabanova by Janáček in one evening? Tuesday 28th Another adaptation of a TV series. Fitzwilliam College Auditorium: This time there’s an investigative Now is your chance - you can catch 8pm (£4-£12) Perdika Press one after the other at the Arts Theatre Old Combination Room, Trinity journalist, a suspicious Congress- A celebration of four decades of out- man, a series of brutal murders and until Saturday May 2nd. standing chamber music-making. College: 8pm (free) See our review of the Press’s reading Russell Crowe, fat. Wednesday 29th Cambridge Band Competition 2009 at Catz in Varsity last term – this Oliver Coates The Boat That Rocked Sweet Charity – Heat 3 Kettle’s Yard: 12pm (£4-£6) event will be featuring more work ADC: 7.45pm, Saturday matinee Corn Exchange: 7pm (£5) from the modern poetry publishing Vue: (daily) 12.40pm, 3.30pm, Coates, who splits his time between 6.30pm 2.30pm (£8-£10) Four more of Cambridge’s finest performing with Massive Attack house, with readers including Mario A musical that follows a girl on her move ever closer to taking home top Petrucci, Peter Brennan and Jacqui Everything’s golden, well, until a leak and the London Sinfonietta, per- develops, in another Richard Curtis quest for the man of her dreams. honours in this year’s competition. forms works for cello and electron- Rowe. Includes the song ‘I Like to Cry at feel-good flick, this time about some ics, including a newly-commis- ‘60s pirate radio DJs. If you think Weddings’. Need I say more? Runs Thursday 30th sioned piece by David Fennessy. Thursday 30th until Saturday May 2nd. Whole Lotta Led ‘Shooting War: Ethics in Conflict naming a character Twatt is funny, The Junction 1: 8pm (£11 adv.) Tuesday 28th Photography’ snap up some tickets now. A Play: On Words Given the thumbs up by Jimmy Upper Hall, Peterhouse: 5.30pm Fitzwilliam Museum Sculpture St. John’s Film ADC: 11pm (£4-£6) Page, the leading Led Zep tribute Promenade (free) A medley of darkly comic short plays, band celebrate the 40th an- Gary Knight, conflict photographer Sunday 26th: 7pm and 10pm Fitzwilliam Museum lawns fronting Slumdog Millionaire including a piece of new writing, an niversary of Led Zeppelin I by Trumpington Street (free) and co-editor of Dispatches, the new unfinished Jane Austen and a devised performing the album in full. quarterly journal, will give a talk New outdoor exhibition at the Fitz. Thursday 30th: 9pm mime. Something for everyone then. Guaranteed to leave you dazed See Pick of the Week. showing his work as well as that of Runs until Saturday May 2nd. and confused. fellow photographer Yuri Kozyrev. Rear Window

Fitzwilliam Museum Sculpture Carnivores: plants that bite back and Promenade other Darwin discoveries Tues 28th - Jan 31st 2010 Until Dec 31st Fitzwilliam Museum lawns fronting Botanic Garden, 1 Brookside: 10am - Trumpington Street (free) 6pm (£3 - £4.50) The nearly year-round outdoor exhibi- Carnivorous plants were one of Dar- tion of modern sculpture, featuring win’s life-long botanical studies – this work from members of the Royal stunning new display features every- British Society of Sculptors, opens this thing from Pitcher Plants to Venus Fly week. Acclaimed artist Helaine Blu- Traps. Plus, if the weather stays nice, menfeld has helped to select the pieces, what better way to enjoy Cambridge including pieces by David Begbie, in the sunshine than strolling around Richard Fenton and Diane Maclean. the grounds?

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): Yes, so there’s no cooked food. But they still sell nuts. Would you like some nuts? »p24 Yes. »p25 No. Friday April 24th 2009 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Arts 19

sophie baker

The Deal with Stephen Frears director and trinity alumnus stephen frears doesn’t watch films at home, but he watched lots of palin youtube videos during the election. he tells tom morris that aspiring directors should reconsider their career goals

f you want to become a director, you all these tapes, but it’s the wrong is the disappointing answer, since I about Glenn Close, an actress he has these characters are wonderful. Like “Istudy economics,” says Stephen time of year because you’re so sick of rather liked the idea of a space-bound famously worked with twice, and her when I read the script to Liaison, I just Frears, not for the first time, during these bloody films by the time these period-dressed epic about gay royal recent success in Damages, he credits thought, ‘I wish I could spend the rest our interview last term. “It’s all eco- awards have gone through that the last audiophile con artists. her as being “great, terrific”. Would he of my life with these characters, it’s nomics now,” he goes on; “cheap films thing you want to do is see one of the When asked whether the success of ever consider making a high-budget so wonderful, like a Hitchcock film’. are the best to make, the real danger is bloody things.” What about TV? “Not The Queen had increased his power high-profile mini-series if he could When I read Laundrette I thought ‘well in excess. As soon as you take on a big really.” YouTube? “Well, I did watch in Hollywood, he said, “Well I know find an interesting project? “Yeah, I’d this is paradise’. So it’s a much more in- budget, you also take on a lot of stake- a lot of Sarah Palin videos during the how the world works, but I don’t think definitely do the pilot for one, happily.” articulate thing. I just think this world holders who all want a say. I’ve never election.” that those things are necessarily the So what does the future hold for I’m reading about is fantastic and en- found big budgets helpful.” Frears has often worked in both film advantages you imagine. In other a British director who isn’t Danny tertaining and complete and coherent. Frears is a man who is fiercely pro- and television simultaneously, some- words, you’re just given more room to Boyle? “I’m looking at films. A film I remember my wife, she was lying in tective of his creative process, and has times moving the same project be- make a fool of yourself. In my experi- set in Hawaii. There’s a big British bed and I brought home an early cut of made a catalogue of small, interesting tween the two as budgets and expecta- ence, because I’ve been very lucky, the film, a little eccentric British film, The Queen and she said, ‘well I could films. Some were for television, some tions change. When I asked about the raising of the money has never been which in a sense is just about British spend the rest of my life watching this, for the cinema, some made big splash- differences between filming The Deal a problem, it’s always been finding social life. These are all the things it’s so funny’.” es, others were largely unnoticed. My and The Queen, he explained that the good material that’s the real challenge. that I’m wrestling with at the mo- Is there any way I can spin this in- Beautiful Laundrette, with Daniel Day- he’d intended the latter to be a televi- I don’t know that anyone else in the ment, because you’re always think- terview into a comment on the Credit Lewis, was his breakthrough project, sion project as well, but the budget was world would say that, but I would.” ing ‘if I do this, will I end up in the Crunch? Well here goes: in a previous and gave him the clout necessary to too big to make it a viable prospect on Frears credits some of his best work wrong place?’” life as a Cambridge student, Stephen pull Glenn Close, John Malkovich and the small screen. “I thought ‘oh blimey, to having just stumbled across good Right, I definitely needed to fire Frears studied law at Trinity, and says Michelle Pfeiffer for Dangerous Liai- I better somehow flex my muscles’, and scripts. “I just walk around and then off a serious, arty, question, the kind he was “rejected by all the recruiting sons in 1988. From there he went on to I remember sticking in a helicopter someone sends me something and you might hear on Newsnight Review, television companies, so that I thought a bit of success with The Grifters, a bit shot to give it a bit of oomph. then I discover that it just lights up the asked by a ‘writer and broadcaster’ my life was over, when really I was inside of my head, but it’s completely with their head tipped slightly to one just getting started.” Also, he lives in “People are always giving me a ring and random and capricious. People are al- side: “How does your vision for a film London, and house prices have fallen a ways giving me a ring and saying ‘I’ve at the start of the project typically bit there recently. saying ‘I’ve got just the kind of thing that got just the kind of thing that you’ll compare to the finished article?” “I Finally, any advice to an aspiring like’ and I think ‘well you’re smarter don’t think I have a vision.” Oh dear. director? “Don’t… other people are a you’ll like’ and I think ‘well you’re smarter than me because I’ve got no idea what “You read things and you think, oh, nightmare.” I like’.” than me because I’ve got no idea what I like’.” Despite his best intentions, Frears admits to a bit of jealously when he of a failure with Mary Reilly, a shiny “You shoot on a wider sort of canvas, sees one of the actors he’s worked with Nothing to Frears but Frears Himself Hollywood film with High Fidelity, the and the frame has more detail in it… getting stuck into their next project. 1941 Born in Leicester grungy British film Dirty Pretty Things, but really it’s the subject matter that has “I remember Dan Day-Lewis, who and most recently the tag-team of The to be big enough to justify the scale.” did Laundrette, and next time I saw 1960 Comes up to Cambridge to read Law at Trinity Deal and The Queen. Since he has a relatively eclectic him his hair was dark, and I felt awful, Do big famous directors still have back catalogue, it’s difficult to pigeon like he’d dumped me or something, 1972 Release of Frears’ first film, Gumshoe time to watch films? “Only in the cin- hole Frears into a single genre, or even when of course he was just playing 1985 Draws acclaim as director of My Beautiful Laundrette for Channel 4 ema, never at home... This is a terrible a group of genres, but are there any another part, but it was very very thing to say, but I’m more and more which he would never touch? “Sci-Fi, shocking. You can’t not be interested 2006 Release of Frears’ most recent film, The Queen interested in my own work. They send or anything with lots of visual effects,” really.” When I asked in particular

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): Yup. “Fack off,” the barman says. “Fack right off. We don’t serve sarnies like you.” You take umbrage. “I am not a sarnie,” you explain. “I am a humanoid sarnie.” But the fellow is having none of it: “I DON’T CARE HOW OID YOU ARE. ONCE A SARNIE, ALWAYS A SARNIE.” You need to sort him out. »p22 Smear him back. »p28 Take it on the chin. Arts Editor: Emma Mustich Friday April 24th 2009 20 Arts [email protected] varsity.co.uk Academy Man CHARLES SAUMAREZ SMITH, LACONIC DIRECTOR OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY, tells laura freeman WHAT HE’D MOST LIKE TO STEAL FROM HIS OWN COLLECTION

harles Saumarez Smith, director of “Yes. I did like it.” He approaches post- He claims he was never a “conven- – now they are financial manag- the Royal Academy, is a man who graduate life in similarly laconic fash- tional curator”. Never a back-room ers”. He uses the phrase “economic choosesC his words with care. He uses ion. “I was of a generation,” he tells me, cataloguer, his career has put him in imperative” several times. At the the words ‘balance’, ‘stability’, and ‘con- “where there was very little pressure the glare of the media spotlight, first government-funded National, he sistency’ six times apiece in a twenty- to think about what one was going as director of the National Portrait spent “quite a lot of time follow- five minute interview. This is not the to do.” Following a Henry Fellowship Gallery, then as director of the National ing and responding to arts policy. Saumarez Smith I have been expecting. at Harvard, an MLitt., a PhD, and a Gallery, and now at the Royal Academy. I realise that [now] more than I A trawl of the online newspapers yields research fellowship, he modestly con- His reticence today may be attributed to did at the time.” I ask if he saw arts descriptions of him as a ‘fop,’ ‘flamboy- sidered himself at the age of twenty-six his departure from the National amidst policy as a constraint. He gives it ant’ and a ‘fine art dandy’. But today he “sufficiently well qualified” to set about press speculation; the Evening Standard a moment’s thought, and replies, is thoughtful, measured, guarded even. in particular was partial to picking over “It’s a benefit having the cheque”. Perhaps he has learnt caution. His “museum directors the details, suggesting that all was not It’s a characteristically diplomatic PR team certainly seem anxious. On well between Saumarez Smith and the response. the morning of our interview I receive used to be super- Gallery’s Board of Trustees. The role of the museum in e-mails from two separate members For all that the interview feels like society also occupies his thoughts. of the press office requesting a list of curators – now a Pinter play, full of long pauses and He laughs heartily when I mention the questions I propose to ask. When thoughtful silences, I warm to Sauma- that Tate Modern has been accused I don’t reply immediately (I’m on the they’re financial rez Smith. He doesn’t do soundbites, of being a superannuated crèche. train), a third arrives. A fourth advises or glib, media-friendly vox pops. His He worries that the museum has that the Head of Press will be joining managers” cautious and subtle choice of words is become a “venue,” citing the “ace- the interview. She arrives late and takes evidence of thirty years’ turning over caff-with-quite-a-nice-museum- a seat – a silent and stately golem. Her looking for jobs. He recalls the “dry- in his mind of the challenges of the attached” problem. presence is admonitory: watch what ing up” of academic jobs in the early modern museum: the conflict between I finish with a hypothetical ques- you say, she seems to warn. 1980s and the creeping realisation that blockbuster crowd-pleasers and exhibi- tion: if he could have anything from Saumarez Smith isn’t giving much “the writing was on the wall” as far as tions which appeal to the academic the Royal Academy collection, what away. Even on personal matters he is university posts were concerned. His turn of mind; the ever-pressing issue of would he take? He thinks carefully, cautious. When asked if he has fond job search yielded eight openings: six government funding and the obligation considering the practicalities, and memories of Cambridge (from which at the department of History of Art at that galleries face to meet the dictates of decides on a group of small Consta- he graduated with a double first in the University of Perth, one in Sydney, arts policy. ble sketches. Nothing big, nothing History of Art) he replies: “I enjoyed and two closer to home at the National The thorny problem of funding flashy, nothing too heavy to carry, doing History of Art... and I liked Gallery and the V&A. “I didn’t expect clearly occupies a lot of his time and but something small enough to King’s...” He trails off, gives it a mo- to get it,” he says of the V&A post, “but energy. He observes that museum spirit out of the building without his ment’s further thought and concludes, I got it.” directors “used to be ‘super-curators’ watchful staff noticing. All-Star ADC Reunion This easter, the ADC indulged in some pretty serious self-congratulation. But then, they have a lot to congratulate themselves for, says joel Massey

t the start of the Easter holidays, charged with unveiling a plaque to lights and, indeed, the wider comedic Walker) was portrayed with mag- the ADC Theatre gathered alum- mark the completion of the ADC’s canon. In any case, the Prince seemed nificent energy and intensity. Trevor Ani and students together to celebrate, redevelopment programme. He soon in such a beaming mood, that one Nunn, in his pensive introduction well, a veritable smorgasbord of showed himself to be on fine form. suspects he saw the funny side. to the piece, remarked, “It’s history noble themes: the University’s 800th “Now I must warn you,” he began The first half of the show also saw a tonight that we’re celebrating, the anniversary, the completion of the with feigned sincerity, “the unveiling series of songs from the CU Musi- history of the University and now Theatre’s redevelopment, the role of of a plaque is not necessarily the most cal Theatre Society, introduced by the history of the Marlowe Society. drama in undergraduate life, and the exciting thing in the world.” It was renowned musician and songwriter Eighteen months ago,” he continued, contribution of Cambridge alumni to just as well he’d brought his sense of Richard Stilgoe. “There was hardly “I came back to Cambridge to direct British entertainment, to name a few. humour with him, as the Footlights any musical theatre when I was here,” the 100th anniversary production of It was a cracking evening. We were Committee soon showed themselves Stilgoe explained. “I remember going the Marlowe Society. It was extraor- treated to highlights of most of last willing to test it. In a brilliant sketch up to the music faculty and asking if dinary to meet oneself coming back, term’s biggest shows – Match of the Liam Williams played a boy who there was a chance of studying any. of course, everything had changed… Day for Lent Term drama, if you like. kept telling “absurd but very specific After I explained that most of it was and nothing had changed. There was The Gilbert and Sullivan Society, lies”. He was then confronted by a written after 1490, it became clear still the almost professional feel, and European Theatre Group, CU Musical wolf who demanded he stop lying, that there was no chance.” The extract still the sense that you were work- Theatre Society, Footlights, Marlowe to which he responded, “Wolf, wolf, from John Kander and Fred Ebb’s Kiss ing with people you were going to Society and CU Amateur Dramatic I believe that the British Monarchy of the Spiderwoman, sung powerfully hear a lot more about in the years to Club all performed in front of an au- is not an obsolete and redundant by Phoebe Haines, was perhaps the come. And we’ve seen a few of those dience that included Prince Edward, institution, that exists only to perform most impressive performance. As tonight as well.” Germaine Greer, Gryff Rhys Jones, acts of vacuous ceremony, and that it Stilgoe gleefully remarked, “Time to And that point, I suppose, just and Trevor Nunn, among others. does serve a useful function for Brit- stop Andrew Lloyd Webbering, let’s about hit the nail on the head. As Indeed the true stars of the show were ish society.” Needless to say, the wolf get John Kander and Fred Ebbering.” James Baggaley, the current ADC no doubt the theatre staff and other had started eating him before he’d (“I’ve never had a chance to use that Theatre Manager, remarked in the organisers of the event. Getting ten finished speaking. With the Prince line,” he continued. “During several programme, “since Cambridge has different productions onto one stage sitting in the audience people were years working with Andrew Lloyd produced no fewer than four of the in one evening is probably about as understandably shocked. Webber, the right moment never five artistic directors who have so far logistically difficult as a winter inva- The gag was followed by stunned si- seemed to crop up.”) run the National Theatre, and none sion of Russia. lence, hissing and finally a wild burst A highlight of the second half of them had any formal training The proceedings began with vari- of laughter, presumably as everyone was an extract from the Marlowe after they went down, there must be ous speeches and other ceremonial remembered that pushing boundaries Society’s Romeo and Juliet. The something very right with the Uni- activities. Prince Edward had been has long been a tradition in Foot- death of Mercutio (played by James versity’s undergraduate theatre.”

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): They serve three kinds of nuts: Dry Roasted, Macadamia and Normal.»p25 Dry Roasted, thanks. »p26 Normal, please. »p23 Macademia. Friday April 24th 2009 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Arts 21 LEAVE YOUR ATTIC! colette sensier introduces the marlowe masterclass

Nausikaä El-Mecky & Enrico Liebig his term, a unique presentation of During the Masterclasses, three of The participants’ blogs, updated new writing is due to take place, the plays – Emma’s LIFT, Jess’s The after each class (and to be found, asT the Marlowe Society showcase Heights, and Jenny’s Historical Fiction along with the writers’ profiles, at work from the best of Cambridge’s – were produced in Cambridge, with www.marlowemasterclass.co.uk) are young playwrights. Jenny Boon, Luke the writers able to interact with actors intended to benefit other writers or Butcher, Josh Coles-Riley, Emma and directors on their productions. aspiring writers by giving an insight Hogan, Jess Hyslop, Iain Maitland However, the Masterclasses, like the into the creative process. The mis- and Freddy Syborn have been work- Scriptlabs also run by the Marlowe sion statement of the website shouts, ing on their pieces since February Society, are primarily designed to “Scriptwriters, Leave Your Attic!”, and a ‘spotlight’ from each will be put the writer centre stage, without emphasising the perceived need to presented – first in Cambridge, on need for considerations of budgeting, bring talent out, not just directly onto April 26th (Sunday), and then in administration or collaborators. the critical stage, but also into a con- structive and productive community The masterclass writers now face the task of peers. Cambridge has, as Freddy enthuses, of putting on a 10-minute extract from “an extraordinary number of oppor- tunities for new writing.” Aside from each of their scripts in a spotlight show on the “fruity little club” of the ADC, a wealth of small, buzzing drama socie- the may 1st, in london’s soho theatre ties are eager to stage new plays; and of course, Cambridge’s history of pro- London’s Soho Theatre on May 1st, to Nausikaä El-Mecky, the Marlowe’s ducing dramatic stars is well-known. an audience of professionals from the Writer’s Representative, devised Despite this, the university scene can theatre world. the idea for the Masterclasses after be somewhat narrow-minded, and This is the culmination of a crea- struggling to produce her own short many of the Masterclass participants tive journey which started in Febru- film independently. When her project used the workshops as a platform ary, when the playwrights met at the was completed, she realised that it to devise innovative, experimental Marlowe Society’s first Masterclass. couldn’t have been done without scripts. Jess’s script, for instance, All their scripts had got through the feedback of friends and fellow features an opening performed by tough competition to catch the atten- writers. The Marlowe Society has a shadow puppets; she stresses that tion of the Masterclass judges back in tradition of encouraging new writing, now is the time to be experimental, January, when a call for submissions running Scriptlabs with professional as in university theatre risks can be was sent out. The intention was origi- scriptwriters throughout the year, and taken “that we won’t be able to take nally to include only four winners sponsoring the annual ‘Other Prize’ out in the big wide world.” in the workshops, but quality was for a new play – won this year by The group’s mentor, Rebecca so high that eventually seven were Freddy for his play Father/Son – but Lenkiewicz, is a renowned playwright selected to work on their scripts. The writing alone can often be a struggle. and the first female writer to have winning playwrights run the gamut As Jenny comments, “Writing her work – suffragette-themed play from fresher Jenny to post-grad is generally solitary, and what you Her Naked Skin – produced on the Luke, including students from seven produce is then very private and National Theatre’s Olivier stage. She’s different Colleges and four different personal. Then as soon as it becomes led the group over the term with disciplines, and representing a wide public you’re vulnerable to criticism writing exercises, reading recom- spread of Cambridge talent. and judgement.” Playwriting in par- mendations and feedback. Like the ticular can be a diffi- eventual ‘Spotlight’ show this May, cult activity to pursue Rebecca herself formed a helpful link alone; approaching between Cambridge and the profes- writing can be dif- sional theatre community. As Jess ficult because, Jess comments, “It’s nice to get reassur- points out, “whatever ance from someone who knows much comments, with a pages-long opening Spotlight show on the May 1st, in you produce is inevi- more about theatre than I do!” monologue; another is more “like a London’s Soho Theatre. The show tably incomplete until The writers taking part have vary- poem” in its delicate minimalism. will be managed by a professional it’s staged.” ing levels of experience – Freddy has Many of the plays will encompass director, and performed with actors We all know that written and directed seven plays over a tragi-comic, often surreal, mood, selected by the playwrights. Hopes writing is a lonely art the last five terms, while The Heights dealing with, among other themes, are high: after the Marlowe Society’s – a weekly essay can is Jess’ first foray into scriptwriting the invention of a time-machine, the ‘Action Showcase’ in February, most be difficult enough, after writing mainly short stories. Pitcairn Island paedophilia trials, and participants came away with agents. without the extra Iain started workshop writing from flooding in the Tryweryn valley. However, Jess says, “even if nothing stress of staging a scratch with a different script to the Five-minute writing prompts and so major happens, the Masterclasses production when the one he submitted, while Josh’s play character exercises proved “freeing” have still been a brilliant experience, piece is finished. The has been through several forms, and exciting for the writers, who have and I’ve loved being part of it.” The idea behind the Mas- “starting out as a short story and then also benefited from general discus- Masterclasses are a very positive step terclass is to bring the a play and then a radio play and now sion and listening to each others’ forward into exploring and promot- solitary struggle of back to a play again”. Playing with work. Scriptwriting can be hectic, ing new writing and will hopefully creative writing into form was encouraged in the work- especially if executed in conjunction lead to some stunning young writ- a wider, supportive shops, as participants wrote prose with direction and production; the ers receiving the recognition they community. The Mas- character biographies and worked Masterclasses have provided an op- deserve. terclasses are driven closely on their scripts’ structure. portunity for these young writers to The very high quality of all submis- by the desire to Writing routines vary massively sit back and look “seriously and sys- sions received demonstrates even bring young writers among the seven: Freddy often writes tematically” at the structure and form more untapped talent working in together, so that they a play in a day or less, keeping scripts of a piece. Work on combining skilled Cambridge. The image of a writer can talk about and to under an hour in line with Mies literary language and theatrical tech- locked down in a garret is out of date; support each other’s van der Rohe’s “less is more” formula, nicality was emphasised, with the aim hopefully the Marlowe Society’s call work. Essentially, whereas Luke has spent years refining of fully embracing an art combining to young writers to “Leave Their At- they aim to form a his current two-and-a-half hour long poetry and technical skill. tics” will encourage writer of all sorts co-operative com- script. There is also extraordinary va- The Masterclass writers now face more fully to explore their talent, munity of creative riety and diversity in the scripts: one the task of putting on a ten-minute within the context of a supportive writers. reads “almost like a novel,” Nausikaä extract from each of their scripts in a and dynamic writers’ community. Visit www.marlowemasterclass.co.uk for more on the seven student playwrights and their work

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): Starving, you return home to the missus. “Clemmie,” you begin. “Missus Clemmie, I am a ravenous little bacon sandwich. The Eagle has stopped selling food!” The Missus replies: “Jermaine, stop pretending to be a bacon sandwich. It’s disgusting.” »p13 You refuse, and so she throws you out. You go shopping again. »p24 You agree, but only if you can instead pretend to be Descartes. Features Editor: Joe Hunter Friday April 24th 2009 22 Features [email protected] varsity.co.uk Home Sweet College? YOUR COLLEGE MAY BE YOUR HOME FROM HOME, BUT OUTSIDE THOSE FOUR COSY WALLS THERE’S AN ENTIRE UNIVERSITY WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED. MIRIAM BEYTHANS DISCUSSES THE MERITS OF BEING OUT IN THE COLD itting in someone’s room a few home along King’s Parade a er down- minded, it’s the perfect situation. How nights ago helping to plan a forth- ing gin in an attempt to forget the so? I’ve been able to build a life for Scoming dinner a friend of mine admit- enormity of the situation. More than myself here, with nothing predeter- ted, “I can’t think of anyone to invite, once I thought about leaving and I mined. Pick and choose which bits of everyone I know is in this room.” “Yes,” don’t think I did any work at all in the the place I liked and which I didn’t. somebody else agreed, “I don’t really  rst term as I struggled to settle in. My drinking society is based in one have any constant friends outside this It was hard, I won’t lie. It gets easier College, I live in another, and row for College.” I was momentarily astonished though, and then some. ese early yet another. I have breakfast, lunch, until I realised that most people rock days of uncertainty gave way to late and dinner in three di erent places. (Well, okay, I’m rarely up in time for “WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE CUT ADRIFT WHEN breakfast...) Don’t like the colours of your College scarf? I’ve got four. EVERYONE ELSE IS FIRMLY ANCHORED?” Of course my life here hasn’t been all good – but show me someone up in Freshers’ Week, slot into whatever nights drinking port with friends, to who says they haven’t had low times clique suits them best, and never look crisp mornings out on the Cam, to during their three years and I’ll back. eir College life is, for all intents moonlit walks to Granchester: every- show you a liar. My academic work and purposes, their entire Cambridge thing I wanted my time at Cambridge was sidelined in the earlier days experience. Because College is ‘where to be. so I could spend more time creat- it’s at.’ Right? So many people have so many good ing a life for myself and those lost Wrong, at least for some people. intentions upon coming to Cam- terms will probably affect my overall What if you don’t like your College? bridge but then they’re sucked into an result. I won’t be shedding too many What if your College doesn’t of- endless round of trips to the College tears over that: my degree has been fer what you need, what if you just bar, to Cindies and impromptu chats secondary to the real education I’ve never really managed to  t in there? in the kitchen. ey barely notice the received here. Or what if you simply don’t have a three years slipping by. I’m so much It sounds trite, but I’ve learnt to College? Wait, that’s not possible, is more aware of everything I do, every believe in myself and not to follow it? Why, yes it is, and here I am: a decision I make. e fact that it’s all the crowd. I’ve learnt to be discern- Cantab without a College. So what do down to me is exhilarating. I don’t ing about the way I spend my time you do? What does it mean to be cut have to explain myself to anyone, if and more discerning still about the adri when everyone else is  rmly I fancy a night in eating toasties and company I choose to keep. It’s been a anchored? To be  oating free, in a sea watching iPlayer nobody thinks I’m much better preparation for life than of other people’s certainty? being unsociable, because nobody being cosseted by a College. When I For the  rst few weeks, it was pretty knows. leave it won’t be with a strong sense of harsh. Turning up to social event a er For the shy and retiring, this could my College identity, it will be with a social event alone I would stumble easily be hell. For the independently strong sense of my own. SARAH WOOLLEY Hell on Earth ‘T-SHIRT HELL’ MAKE SOME OF THE MOST OFFENSIVE T-SHIRTS MONEY CAN BUY, SO BAD THAT THE WEBSITE’S FOUNDER REGULARLY RECEIVES DEATH THREATS. PETE WOOD WONDERS IF THIS IS SATIRE n times like these, it’s important been the victim of an attempted society, neutering comedy, or simply these arguments to keep your regular customers poisoning. This year he’s brought that being able to shock with cloth- intimately; he was Ihappy. It’s their interest that’ll keep back the most offensive Mother’s ing is a fundamental right. However, poisoned for you going in hard times. So who Day presents, like “What about all is there anything more than a cry them. deliberately slaps the cash-cows by the good things Hitler did?”, and is for attention in, “Thousands of my T-Shirt Hell revealing that their “closing-down pledging $50,000 to the person who potential children died on your seems torn sale” was a ploy to increase sales? guesses what form the attempted daughter’s face last night”? Further- between And forget the credit crunch; what murder takes this time. more, this argument denies one of trying to kind of businessman receives so It’s impossible to tell if Megatron the pre-requisites of free speech in make crude, many death threats that he sets up a really believes in free speech, or just liberal society; that self-restraint is but fre- competition to guess how and when the incredible amount of money he vital to avoid anarchy and the im- quently intel- he will finally be murdered “by an earns. When thanking customers position of moral standards by the ligent satire angry moron”? Well, T-Shirt Hell for their recent support, his official state or mob. It might be OK to joke or catering isn’t your average company. views are expectedly forthright: in private that: “Rape is no laugh- for a lucra- The recent faux-demise is just “No, not you, you racist idiots who ing matter, unless you’re raping a tive market another chapter in the website’s thought we actually had racist inten- clown.” To do so in public, however, of attention coloured story. To some people, the tions.” The employee blog is just as knowing the impact the joke might seeking idiots site produces fragmented shards direct: “I’m also not going to censor have, is less easily done. and casual of inspired social commentary. To myself just because a lot of people in But repression can always be bigots. It’s hard others it repulsively supports the this world are ignorant assholes who turned around. The site shows, or at to say which latent racism, misogyny and general miss the point…You really think least cherry-picks, many photos of they achieve. disdain for decency that permeates some retarded gag I thought of in a its happy customers wearing their But if you see a modern society. Either way, their pot-fueled stupor is ‘empowering’ shirts in ironic resistance to bigotry. hooker-filled limo slogans are pretty attention grab- these dicks? Rick from Meineke was Take the “Whore of the month” at lectures next bing. “Slavery gets shit done” would going to hit Sheila tonight because wearing “Sorry boys, I eat pussy.” week, you’ll know have been a pretty good costume at he’s a miserable sack of shit… He’s It’s not eloquent, but it’s definitely that a communist the Emma May Ball. not going to look at T-Shirt Hell and affirmative action. Moreover, should albino really did The site understands that it’s go ‘The shirt makes a good point. a company base its product-range push a toaster into upsetting a few people. Most com- Here comes the thunder, Sheila!’” upon any criteria besides profit? Megatron’s bathtub, panies get complaints; Sunshine It’s easy for them to say that politi- Eventually, only the wearer can and I’m spending Megatron (the site founder’s new cal correctness is preventing people decide what is decent. But of course, $50,000 the way he JANE HALL name by deed poll) claims to have from debating real problems in Sunshine Megatron already knows would have wanted.

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): You think of a relevant return smear. “Barman,” you shout, “you look like a agellating mongoose.” Big mistake: he slices you in two and serves you to his other customers. Friday April 24th 2009 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Features 23 A Middle Eastern Miracle BORN IN SOUTH AFRICA, ROBI DAMELIN HAS LIVED IN ISRAEL FOR OVER FORTY YEARS, AND WORKS FOR THE PARENTS’ CIRCLE – THE ISRAEL-PALESTINIAN BEREAVED FAMILIES FORUM – TO IMPROVE RELATIONS BETWEEN THE TWO PEOPLES. SHE TALKS TO MOYA SARNER ABOUT HER HOPES FOR THE FUTURE

obi Damelin’s son, David, was they have never met a Palestinian in charity telephone line called ‘Hello listen? Can Robi and her colleagues too the Israelis vented their anger in Rkilled on the March 3rd 2002. He their lives until we walk in. It’s the Shalom’ (‘Hello Peace’) was set up to really get through to those who are the ballot box, in the a ermath of the was twenty-eight, a Master’s student, same in the Palestinian classes; this encourage communication between indoctrinated into hatred, and just do war in Gaza.  ere was a lot of rage and active in the peace movement. is the  rst Israeli they’ve seen who’s Palestinians and Israelis, and since not want to know? Her voice is one ying around, and this produced a He was shot by a Palestinian sniper not in uniform and not a settler.  is 2002 the toll-free number has received of sadness and of hope; but not blind very sad result for Israel. But we can- while serving as a reservist in the is how we create another picture for over a million calls. Not all of them optimism. She is convinced of the not a ord to give up hope, because we Israel Defence Forces. Later that them.” friendly, by any means: “ ere have di erence they can make, but remains live here.” year, Robi joined the Parents’ Circle, For those in higher education, there been some vicious conversations. But realistic. “If you walk into a classroom Robi hasn’t always lived in Israel. a forum for grieving families from is the year-long programme ‘Ambas- this is, nonetheless, the beginning of a of kids who have never met a Palestin- She grew up in South Africa and was both sides of the con ict, founded in sadors for Reconciliation Together’, dialogue. We’re making inroads”. ian in their lives, and a erwards some an active player in the  ght against 1994 by Yitzhak Frankenthal a er the which involves students from the  e forum capitalised on this of them want to meet others, then apartheid. “I am obviously a product death of his son. Seven years on, Robi West Bank working with those from progress with a television series, aired surely that’s progress. I’m not saying of where I come from,” she states, see- now works full-time for this unique that everybody leaves our sessions ing a clear link between her past and organisation which aims to challenge “I’M SAYING THE SAME THINGS I’VE SAID ALL aspiring to be Martin Luther King – present experiences: “I have always each people’s perception of the other, we can’t change everyone, I wish we been very conscious of equality and so that all Israelis and Palestinians MY LIFE,” SHE TELLS ME, “BUT NOW PEOPLE could. But if they grasp the human- dignity.”  ough acknowledging that “can live in dignity”, and, eventually, ity behind the story, as opposed to South Africa has its problems – and in peace. “I’m saying the same things LISTEN. IT’S A PRETTY HIGH PRICE TO PAY, BUT blindly swallowing what they see on they are many – she argues that the I’ve said all my life,” she tells me, “but TV or hear from their parents, then end of apartheid was nothing short of now people listen. It’s a pretty high PEOPLE LISTEN.” we’ve opened up a new way for them “a miracle”. What are the chances of price to pay, but people listen.” to think, and a new way for them to another one? “I don’t think the hatred  ey listen because all those who a college in Sderot, the city targeted in late 2008: a  ctional drama follow- encounter one another.” is any greater between Palestine and work for the Parents’ Circle, whose by the Qassam rocket attacks from ing two women chefs, one from Ram- Despite the advances being made Israel than it was in South Africa. I members total several hundred Gaza. A er a problematic start, this mallah and one from Tel Aviv, which, on a grass-roots level, recent po- think we can have a miracle in the bereaved families of which half are collaboration has proved extremely through their individual stories, litical events have not improved the Middle East.” Palestinian and half Israeli, have lost fruitful, and last year’s participants recounted the historical and personal situation, particularly February’s Well, I think we might now have immediate relatives as a result of are poised to continue pursuing their narratives of the two families. “We parliamentary election results; a viable found one. the con ict.  is gives them some successful partnership. “Considering have to learn about each other’s cul- two-state solution seems even less standing in their communities. “We the background of these kids, I think ture and where we have come from. likely with the right-wing Benjamin e Israeli-Palestinian Bereaved serve as an example: we are the people what they have achieved is amazing. Knowing the tragedy builds sympa- Netanyahu as Prime Minister.  ough Families Forum will be hosted by the least likely to make these overtures of  ey are potential leaders.” thy; understanding the history allows not keen to talk politics, Robi admits Cambridge Union Society and the reconciliation, and yet we are doing But the forum also strives to reach for empathy.” her own frustration. “Personally Woolf Institute of Abrahamic Faiths, just that. If we can do it, anyone can.” those who might not be accessible But for people to feel real empa- speaking, I think that as it was with on Wednesday May 6th at 7.30pm, in As such, the forum is unprecedented, through educational institutions.  e thy, surely they have to be willing to the Palestinians voting for Hamas, so the Union. continuing to foster empathy regard- less of the military situation on the ground: regular meetings were held even throughout the recent war in Gaza. It may seem impossible, but it works because the Parents’ Circle is about humanity, not politics. “All agreements up to now have been made and signed by politicians, with no consideration for the people,” Robi explains. “And when they eventually decide where our borders will be, it won’t help unless the people are ready.” By establishing a framework for reconciliation through depoliti- cised means, connecting individu- als through the shared experience of grief, the forum hopes to tackle hatred at its roots. “ ough we are all political people, we are not aligned to any party or credo; we are dedicated to combating stigma, and trying to humanise each side so future peace agreements can work. As tough as it looks now, that is the work we have to do.” And that is the work they are do- ing, thanks to a variety of projects that have helped to break down resentment and build relationships across the divide. Perhaps the most compelling of these is the ‘classroom dialogue’. Over 1,200 of these ses- sions were held last year, in which two members from the group, one Israeli and one Palestinian, visit school children to tell their stories of loss, to explain their roles in the Parents’ Circle and their alternative way of viewing the con ict, then take questions from the pupils. “It’s very JANE HALL di cult”, Robi relates. “In the Israeli schools, these kids are seventeen and

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): ey’re actually out of Macadamia. p20 Have another go. Theatre Editor: Joel Massey Friday April 24th 2009 24 eatre [email protected] varsity.co.uk

View from the Groundlings THEATRE

STEFAN MEINEL Guys and Dolls by Frank Loesser ADC eatre, March 10th-21st Dir. Uriel Adiv; CUADC 

his was a crying shame: a collec- in “where the fuck was the blocking?” here are lots of things I want to do Ttion of some of the best individual It’s occasionally hard to divorce bad this term; not make a complete performances you’ll see on a student acting from bad direction, but I honestly Tfool of myself in my nals; actually stage (musical or otherwise), under- believe that most of the speaking parts visit Grantchester (although I’ve not mined by some lumpen directing in this can hold their heads high (and, heard great things); and, of course, and dancing that would make John indeed, the rest of the cast, who mainly complete my collection of stolen Sergeant blush (one for you bourgeois had  e Powers  at Be to blame). Ned crockery from formals up and down BBC viewers out there). Stuart-Smith and Tara Crabbe were the city. I’d also like to see the follow-  e show started on the bummest wonderful as the play’s secondary love ing shows: of bum notes, a mish-mash of bad interest, singing some touchingly inti- As You Like It (ADC, Week 2): harmonising that prepared the audience mate duets that were only undermined the last time we saw Matt Bulmer, for the low-spots of the group numbers by a glacial amount of movement (the he was on the ADC stage with his that would mar most of the rst half of direction again, for my money). Stuart- cock out. Now he’s back (probably in the show. And yet, even in this gloom, Smith in particular brought his undeni- clothes), directing a highly anticipated positives start to appear: Jonathan Kana- ably strong voice to bear on some of the production of Shakespeare’s pastoral gasooriam as Nicely-Nicely Johnson is show’s best numbers, making ‘Luck Be comedy, in which girls pretend to be and remains a pillar of strength despite A Lady Tonight’ one of its highlights. boys who then pretend to be girls. everything around him, singing and Even better was Oli Hunt as Nathan Early rumours also abounded that a swaggering with the sort of charisma Detroit, who managed to fuse an accent live sheep would number amongst sadly lacking from the group scenes. that was pitch-perfect Brando with the the cast, although they may have been And it’s here – in these scenes – that wiry sexuality that made you under- trying to pull the wool over our eyes. the show really shot itself in the foot. stand why Adelaide (Melanie Heslop)  is comes highly recommended,  is is a combination of two factors. had stuck by him for 14 years. And it although you might decide never to Firstly, despite the best e orts of Dance was his relationship with Heslop that return to the city again. Captain/Milk Monitor Tadhgh Barwell provided most of the show’s high spots; GO SEE THIS IF: you fancy a rural O’Connor, the choreography was ‘Adelaide’s Lament’ towards the end of escape from the stresses of exam term pretty leaden. O’Connor was sympto- the rst act was outstanding, mixing life. matic of the wider problems of some of a perfectly nuanced spunky onstage Blithe Spirit (Corpus Playroom, the other dancers, who combined the presence with jaw-droppingly good Week 2): Noel Coward’s elegant steely-cold eyes of an assassin (never vocals. Heslop, in fact, was so good that and sophisticated English summer a good idea in a musical that tries to she almost single-handedly redeemed comedy features a séance, a number of make enjoyment infectious) with a the show when it started to lag – the deceased wives, and a lot of spilt ecto- violence and deliberateness of move- wizened ball-sacks who think musical plasm. When Charles Condomine ar- ment that made it look like they were theatre demands less of a performer ranges for an eccentric medium who trying to stamp through the stage. should think again and book themselves can converse with the dead, he comes But the buck cannot stop there.  e in for something of a masterclass. into contact with an unexpected nger must be levelled fairly accusato- Ultimately, this wasn’t all bad.  e guest, one whom only he can see.  e rily at director Uri Adiv for trying to second half was certainly more energetic fallout is unexpected, uproarious, and t a West End-sized chorus on a Royal (and, consequently, more exciting) than messy. Although you might decide Court-sized stage, and then for trying the rst, with a fantastic version of ‘Sit never to do any research again. to clutter it with all sorts of additional Down You’re Rocking the Boat’ (Kana- GO SEE THIS IF: you fancy a laugh gunk.  e number that opened the gasooriam again) stealing the show, to break up the revision. second half of the show even featured and I really cannot stress the quality of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf a man on a chair sitting fairly centrally the individual speaking performances (ADC, Week 3): not only is this play downstage. Adiv may have reasoned (cheeky mention for Tom Cane, too, as a modern classic, a superb portrayal that this positioning only a ected a few Lt. Brannigan). But I wish someone – of marriage and the ensuing domestic unlucky souls, but when one of them is hopefully the director – would tell the hell, but its cast features Ed Rowett, your reviewer it’s probably wise to nd- whole cast that this is supposed to be who, it appears, is attempting to beat ing a way of not putting the “blocking” FUN. George Reynolds Ian McKellen’s total of 22 perform- ances during his time in Cambridge. LIDIA KUHIVCHAK Mr Rowett, who will also be sitting PREVIEW his nals in the near future, deserves commendation, and an audience. A Play: On Words by e Company Even though you will nd yourselves ADC eatre, April 29th-May 2nd in the middle of a con ict that makes you wonder whether you should Dir. Anna Maguire & Juliet Shardlow; CUADC remain single for the rest of your life. GO SEE THIS IF: your own exam- t is hard not to be excited about language and communication.  is Match this with a dedicated and based nightmares need to be placed in IA Play: On Words as you hear its anxiety about words has developed hard-working technical team (the stark perspective. two directors, Anna Maguire and Ju naturally on towards a self-conscious producer Sam Clear, for instance, Midsummer Night’s Dream Shardlow, enthuse about it. Despite theatricality in the production; they has a hernia-inducing timetable (Queens’ College, May Week): a rather predictable overuse of the want to investigate the division be- which also includes producing As Queens’ May Week shows are always phrase “darkly comic,” they’ve got lots tween the actor and the audience and You Like It a week later) means that a joy to behold, performed as they are to be enthusiastic about, for the ambi- question what it means to “perform.” the rehearsal period has been relaxed in one of the prettiest venues in Cam- tious nature of this project ensures But this does not mean that the au- and stress-free, allowing the actors’ bridge. So what if you’ve already seen that everything else will take the audi- dience is subjected to an hour’s worth natural comedic talents to rise to the this play in Cambridge a billion times, ence completely by surprise.  ere is of self-congratulating pretension. challenge. Infused with wit, A Play: this annual production traditionally mime, work by T.S. Eliot, Jane Austen What was so refreshing about the di- On Words provides an exciting change produces exciting and invigorating and Enda Walsh, and a piece of new rectors’ approach was the importance from the usual fodder on o er in theatre. Although you might feel a bit writing by Ju herself. they placed on enjoyment. Amidst Cambridge. It’s nice to see the ADC of an ass.  e enjoyably ramshackle sound extolling the virtues of their ensemble nally embracing such an original GO SEE THIS IF: you like looking of this selection is not just a case of cast, they emphasised the collabora- and creative piece of theatre, one at really picturesque scenery and throwing everything at the wall and tive nature of rehearsals, with all the that promises to be both challenging, Shakespeare in tights. Oscar Toeman seeing what sticks; providing some actors contributing to the writing experimental and, of course, “darkly cohesion is a wider concern with process as well. comic.” Nick Beck

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): “Hello,” you say to yourself, “I am Rene Descartes, philosopher king.” You do some philosophising. You come up with some wizard philosophy. You decide to test it on the Missus. “Missus,” say you. “Missus Clemmie. Listen to the following homily: ‘I think therefore I am.’ Do you think it’s sound?” e Missus replies: “I don’t think so.” “Uh-oh,” you deduce, “I’m obviously hearing voices then.” Friday April 24th 2009 Join our Theatre team: varsity.co.uk [email protected] eatre 25

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Mark omas: It’s the Stupid Economy

e Junction, April 20th-21st THE JUNCTION Week 1: Beyond the Fringe  ark  omas is a comedian his pocket. He also spoke about the collect in policies from the audience was recently extremely excited to di erent from the rest. Instead trouble-makers at the G20 summit and at the end of the tour to have Idiscover that e 2009 Footlights Mof droning on about his rubbish life, – you know, the ones in the blue uni- created a manifesto which  omas National Tour Show will be performed complaining about his mother-in-law forms with numbers on the shoulders has promised to follow up on. Policies in Cambridge as early as June 9th. I or telling anecdotes of what happened and funny hats. discussed included, “Force all Daily had thought that its rst outing on to him on the way to the gig, his jokes  ere was a guest comedian called Mail readers to live abroad as asylum home soil would be in October, a er are fresh, political and relevant. Will Hodgson who did a quick set be- seekers”, “Make Margaret  atcher the run in Edinburgh and the rest of I must admit, I was a bit dubious fore the interval. He had bright pink pay for her own funeral” and “Change the UK. What a wally I was. I thought pre-gig.  e audience consisted of ge- hair and ngernails (which explained the national anthem to the Imperial I’d celebrate this happy revelation by neric middle-aged people and youths the rainbow-splattered audience) and March from Star Wars”. taking a long view and looking at with  uorescent turquoise hair. I was covered in “ta’oos.” I suppose he  e gig was interesting, gave hu- one of the more famous tour shows actually sat on the dreadlocks of the could be found funny if you enjoy morous nancial advice (“the biggest involving Footlights members. guy sitting next to me – now that was monotonous and empty ramblings oxymoron since Channel Five News”) Beyond the Fringe was born in awkward. However, a er a slow start from a 30-something, with one of and opened a forum for political 1960 when Robert Ponsonby decided  omas became increasingly likable those accents in which every syllable discussion in an environment of to combine the best talent from the and excited. with an “r” doubles in length. I hap- comfort and laughter. And in true Cambridge Footlights and the Oxford Mark  omas, author of a recent pen not to. British style, we ended by singing the Revue.  e Oxford side contributed exposé on Coca-Cola, Belching out the A er a ridiculously long interval national anthem. All together now: Alan Bennett and Dudley Moore. Devil, started his gig by recounting (did a Tesco shop)  omas returned Dum, dum, dum, dum da dum, dum Footlights threw in recent alumnus tales of his political activism. Like the to the stage and was really on form. da dummm. Lauren Davidson Jonathan Miller and the undergradu- time he turned up to Parliament to sit  e idea was, whilst making gags If you missed this, you might like Dan ate Peter Cook. Cook is understood on an anti-torture council, forgetting about the current political, economic, Atkinson & Andy Zaltzman at the to have been the true comedic power- he had thumb cu s and shackles in social and everything situation, to Junction, tonight. house, responsible for two thirds of the material according to Moore. BIRMINGHAM STAGE COMPANY Many of the sketches he contributed Why the Whales Came by Michael Morpurgo rst saw light in his shows with Footlights, which is a testament Arts eatre, April 21st-25th to the unrivalled training that the student society o ers generations of Dir. Greg Banks; Birmingham Stage Company comedians.   e revue itself was a sensation, ichael Morpurgo writes excellent Daniel and Grace cannot help but be  e set – a big red sail, an upturned touring Edinburgh, the West End and children’s books; I avidly read intrigued by the peculiar man and are shing boat, lobster pots and dri - Broadway. It became one of British Mthem all when I was younger. He is a desperate to nd out what it is he is wood – is enhanced by the presence comedy’s most signi cant milestones. well-known author. Not playwright. As hiding and why he lives set apart from of an onstage cellist, dressed in a drab Its rst performance at the Lyceum such, it was with some trepidation that I the world. sherman’s smock, who plays mesmeric  eatre on August 22nd 1960 is entered the Arts  eatre for this adapta-  e Birmingham Stage Company melodies accompanied by the eerie perhaps as a good a date as any for the tion to the stage: how could it possibly deserves nothing but the highest com- singing of two of the actors.  e simple start of the swinging 60s. live up to the beauty and power of the mendation for this beautiful produc- set and physical nature of the piece  e show pioneered anti-establish- original? I need not have feared. tion.  e adaptation included narration were most refreshing and seemed to ment comedy, with even the monar- Why the Whales Came is set in the spoken by the actors, which kept the be appreciated by the young audience. chy and the government becoming Isles of Scilly, during the First World storybook feel.  e two protagonists Adele, a young theatre-goer giggled “It’s legitimate targets. It ignited the War, and tells the story of two young- of the tale were played by adult actors, really good. I just don’t know what is so-called ‘Satire Boom’ of the 1960s, sters and their encounter with the local who treated the roles with tting respect going to happen next.” Her older sister inspiring other cultural phenomena social pariah, the little understood and and enthusiasm and perfectly captured Rebecca found the music particularly such as Private Eye and at Was the much feared Birdman. Living in his the age and situation of their charac- atmospheric. Week at Was.  e willingness to cottage on the beach, the Birdman is a ters. A sense of mystery and intrigue If you fancy dri ing back to your parody authority is apparent in e mysterious, supposedly cursed, old man was maintained throughout and every childhood, and forgetting all about Great Train Robbery sketch, where who is followed by a ghostly chorus of member of the audience sat on the edge looming exams, Why the Whales Came a police o cer being interviewed birdsong wherever he goes. Growing up of their seat, as if egging the actors on to is the play for you. Prepare to be de- about the crime systematically fails surrounded by rumours and hearsay, reveal the next bit of the mystery. lighted and charmed. Victoria Ball to understand every question he is asked. (“Who do you think may have PATRICK GARETY perpetrated this awful crime?” “We believe this to be the work of thieves, PREVIEW the telltale loss of property, the e Dumb Waiter by Harold Pinter snatching away of money substances, it all points to thieves.” “So you feel Corpus Playroom, June 2nd-6th that thieves are responsible? Good heavens no, I feel that thieves are to- Dir. Patrick Garety; Clare Actors & PG eatre tally irresponsible, ghastly people who f you were to ask me – and no, no one Set in an airless basement, e Dumb these things,” he explains, “it’s all there go around snatching your money.” has – I think putting on something Waiter focuses on two ruthless hitmen on the page.” What really intrigues Ga- “But who do you think is behind the byI Pinter is a dangerous game: it’s as they await their next grisly assign- rety, it seems, is not the strangeness of criminals?” “We are, considerably”). like knock down ginger. His hostile ment. Tense, guarded and really rather Pinter’s characterisation, but its human-  e revue also developed the sur- rhythms, plainish sets and strange funny, the short play unfolds with ity. “I want to show the casualness with realist style of comedy that later found dialogue prove too delicious for some Pinter’s trademark wit and unsettling which the characters talk about their fruition in the work of Monty Python. eager, young, studenty types who dialogue. Starring Oliver Soden and day job,” he says. In much the same way  is absurdist element is exempli ed extenuate every pause to sandy and bar- Ben Kavenagh (whom Garety borrows as lms like Bonnie and Clyde or True in the show’s most famous sketch, ren extremes. It’s all quite beastly. from Godot), the production will make Romance, Garety talks about bringing One Leg Too Few, where a one-legged I’m glad to report, then, that Patrick the most of the Corpus Playroom’s dark out the uncomfortable humanity of man auditions for the role of Tarzan. Garety’s upcoming production of e and claustrophobic space. people that are no stranger to a bit of (“I’ve got nothing against your right Dumb Waiter sounds like it’s going to A er speaking with him, it’s clear the old ultra-violence. leg, Mr. Spiggot.  e trouble is, nei- be a really interesting and carefully that Garety is very keen for the produc- Well, I have to say it all sounds rather ther have you.”) thought-out piece. Fresh from directing tion not to resort to caricaturing Pinter. exciting doesn’t it? Why not take a break Well, all this reminiscing has got the critically acclaimed Waiting for “ ere’s a sharpness in the text,” he says; from all that tawdry exam nonsense and me in the mood for a tour show. I Godot at the Corpus Playroom, Garety “I want to keep that fresh.” He goes on stroll down to see this atmospheric and know where I’ll be on June 9th. turns his hand to one of Harold Pinter’s to talk about the infamous Pinter pause: vigorous little ditty. I’m rather looking Joel Massey earliest and most intense works. “I don’t think you need to emphasise forward to it. Nathan Brooker

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): You guzzle down the dry-roasted nuts... p26 ...and start to hallucinate. Reviews Editor: Laurie Tuffrey Friday April 24th 2009 26 Reviews [email protected] varsity.co.uk iWatch Week 1: e Apprentice, Wednesday 9pm on BBC1, MUSIC available on BBC iPlayer

Swoon Silversun Pickups Warner, out now  hen Silversun Pickups appeared  ere are a few tracks on Swoon that radio-friendly track on Swoon. Al- in our record stores in 2005 they do nothing to challenge expectations. though that can be a slightly back-hand- wereW easy to love.  ey quickly captured ‘ ere’s No Secrets  is Year’ could ed complement, here it is a positive: the a ections with a guitar sound so laden nestle quite nicely on Gish and would track is well-constructed, stirring and with distortion you could be forgiven probably have done pretty well on the (even when clocking in at just under six he Apprentice is a deliciously for thinking their CDs actually weighed college radio circuit in 1994. I was a little minutes) never drags. ironic television program for a little more than usual.  ey mixed disappointed; I didn’t want this album to  e production on the album does let Tour credit crunchy-nut times. And this with some lovely boy/girl vocals be grunge-by-numbers. But, thankfully, it down occasionally. When listening, that, plus the fact it’s lled with a and bit of well-placed cello that gave it isn’t.  is album has some gems and you quickly get the impression these bunch of cocky knobs we love to their sound a dreamy, shimmery quality you can hear that it’s the Silversun Pick- tracks are being held back by the tech- hate, is what makes it such a tasty that quickly became their signature; as ups beginning to show their individual niques used and you can tell that live mouth-full of escapism. (Forgive was, it seemed, being compared to 90s identity. they have the potential to really explode. me, I’m only following the fashion rock stars.  ey were the next Smash- ‘ e Royal We’ is a track as delicate  is album is a step forward for the of the show’s writers here, who ing Pumpkins, the next My Bloody as it is forceful. Putting strings on what Silversun Pickups. Fans of Carnavas packed this week’s show with the Valentine or some sort of super-grunge is essentially a rock record is risky; will be pleased the band have kept their most gratuitous wordplay of the hybrid. As great as all this is to get you it can so quickly encroach on tacky signature sound, but we’ll all be happy series so far.) noticed, if you’re always thought of as teenage-ballad territory. But the contrast that they’ve used it in engaging, innova- won’t be so bombarded with compari-  is week’s task was to design, a bit of a throw-back you won’t get too the stings create here with the ever-so- tive ways. Swoon still gives a little nod to sons; this album just has a little more of package and market a family- far.  e Silversun Pickups needed to serious guitar ri s gives the song its the 90s, but it doesn’t get too wrapped themselves in it. friendly cereal, with a cartoon produce something original. uniqueness. ‘Panic Switch’ is the most up in it.  is time around, the Pickups Lucy Bryant character.  e emphasis was on the cartoon character. So, how about a pirate parrot? Yeah, that works. Jewellery How about a terrifying, misshapen superhero with Y-fronts? No. Fuck Micachu o Phil, your idea is shit and so are Rough Trade, out now you.  e infantile Phillip should be eating the cereal himself. He shouts,  he stamps, he strops, and he’s ap- had the pleasure of seeing Micachu most fascinating new talents of 2009. However easy it is to focus on such parently sleeping with Kate (which live last term. It was appalling. Be-  e frantic guitar strumming on gimmicks, perfect pop songs hide be- is slightly irrelevant, but fascinating musedI Junction punters awkwardly ‘Vulture’ leaps through the speakers hind the sonic mess. ‘Golden Phone’ nonetheless). At the beginning of shoved ngers in their ears, wincing before Levi’s snarled vocals emerge, and ‘Just In Case’ see Matthew Herbert’s the series he was almost quite t, in at the cacophony of distorted guitar, supported by a psychedelic keyboard exquisite production bringing Levis’s a Scouse estate agent sort of way; mumbled vocals and deafening drums. and syncopated handclaps. For all its strong sense of melody to the fore, de- but he’s turned out to be the biggest Yet this wasn’t an average support slot, urgency, it still manages to morph into spite the surrounding chaos and a lim- (or smallest) knob of them all. but a performance so memorable - for bizarre afro-beat trance. Such innova- ited vocal range. Of course, the bizarre Kimberly, the American with all the wrong reasons- it was impossible tion continues when she urges us to cut and paste approach to songwriting the unnaturally glossy hair, led one not to search for the album on Spotify ‘tie your lips up in a lie’ on the thrilling produces many awkward moments, but team. Blonde Kate, who can only a erwards. ‘Lips’ and even a vacuum cleaner is en- if you persevere through the discordant speak out of one side of her mouth, Fortunately, the racket made by Mica listed on ‘Turn Me Well’, one of the few beginning of ‘Wrong’ - resembling a led the other. Levi, Raisa Khan and Marc Pell (collec- more down-tempo tracks.  e wonder- musical car crash - the results are quite Basically, Kate’s quite pretty and tively known as Micachu &  e Shapes) ful ‘Curly Teeth’ is another standout rewarding and an even greater treat if charming and her team did really on record is much more listenable. A moment; essentially an acoustic ballad you listen on a pair of headphones. Jew- well.  ey worked as a team (Sir musical mosaic which shatters any at- but distorted with a ne helping of blips ellery is certainly an early contender for Alan loves that) and had decent tempts at genre classi cation,  ashes of and bleeps to complicate matters. You’ll album of the year - let’s just hope their ideas. Everyone loves a pirate, grime, punk, and lo- electronica are tally spat out, forming Jewellery, a de- be hard pushed to nd anything similar live show improves. everyone loves treasure, their brie y swallowed up only to be bru- but which establishes Levi as one of the sounding. Paul Smith advert was rubbish, but at least they made a cereal box. Make a cereal box.  at’s another crucial aspect Cambridge Cantat800 of marketing cereal.  e team led Various musicians, conductors and venues by Kimberly (who, let’s not forget, works in marketing) didn’t actually April 11th - 19th make a box.  ey just shoved their  impotent superhero on the front and vomited apple green all over it. No, uite rightly, the University’s 800th depicting “seven brief visions of the the week’s festivities with a Sunday Tarik O’Regan’s ‘Care charminge Sleepe’, actually, they didn’t even do that, the birthday has sparked musical life resurrected”. Preston’s playing, with lunchtime concert. Stephen Layton has with the disconcertingly tight tonal bemused external designer did. celebrations.Q In June, CUMS will play registrations sounding almost French, them at the peak of their form, and this clusters evocating the disorientation A lack of team spirit let Kim- Beethoven’s Ninth and a new commis- was mesmeric, conjuring an other- concert more than matched expecta- of light sleep. Ligeti-like in places, the berly’s team down. Classic mistake. sion from Sir Peter Maxwell.  e week worldly experience.  e Bach fugue, tions. David Briggs’ ‘Messe pour Notre- work of this young composer, a Fellow Team spirit is paramount to a team’s prior to term, however, saw a collec- the Lutheran a rmation of faith fol- Dame’ brought a pure, rounded sound, of Trinity, deserves great attention. success. It was the poisonous mix- tion of concerts entitled Cambridge lowing Messiaen’s Catholicism, was all especially from the sopranos, not to David Allen ture of Phillip the Prick and Lor- Cantat800, dedicated to the choral and too brief. mention some exceptionally virtuosic raine that mucked it all up, though organ music which forms the daily Stephen Farr’s organ recital in Jesus playing from organist Michael Waldron their incessant arguing. Poor Lor- bread of Cambridge’s musical life. Chapel was more of a collection of (so much so that, at times, it seemed raine, she has such an odd face. Sort  e rst of the three concerts I at- miniatures. Technical problems de- that the choir was accompanying him). of crumpled and twitchy. But her tended saw world-renowned organist nied us the opportunity to hear Naji Mystical hymns from Holst, for female complete lack of social competence Simon Preston play the organ of King’s Hakim’s work (Hakim is Messiaen’s voices only, were pointedly character- makes her rather likeable. Chapel. Bach’s ‘St Anne’ Prelude and successor at La Trinité in Paris), but ised, with nymphs around a stream I’m glad those two weren’t Fugue sandwiched Messiaen’s ‘Les the new organ at Jesus was put to giving way to a misty sunrise. Unabash- chucked, though. Blind, big-headed corps glorieux’, a programme echo- colourful display in Bovez, Rameau, edly romantic ‘Nocturnes’ by Morten gures like Lorraine and Phillip are ing Bach’s third Clavier-Übung.  e Bach, Mendelssohn and Rogg, culmi- Lauridsen were lovingly dispatched, vital ingredients to the success of prelude was, like much of Preston’s nating in a wonderfully perky piece and though the individual parts in Bax’s e Apprentice: they give it its snap, complete recording of the com- by Percy Grainger, ‘Handel in the ‘Mater ora lium’ could have been more crackle and pop (sorry). poser’s organ works,  eet of foot and Strand’, in the great Baroque com- clearly heard, the stratospheric soprano Anna Trench refreshingly unmonumental. ‘Les poser’s anniversary year. writing was perfectly, if ear-splittingly Stephen Farr corps glorieux’ was written in 1939, Trinity College Choir completed executed.  e highlight, however, was

NUTTY ADVENTURE (STARTS ON PAGE 13): “You must be o your kimono, Sir. ere is no bran of nuts called ‘Normal’. Obviously, you have a lot to learn about nuts. And the barman now thinks you’re pretty stupid. And you’re still feeling pretty peckish... p21 Either go home to the Missus... p28 ...or placate the barman with a nut-based joke. Friday April 24th 2009 Join our Reviews team: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Reviews 27

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David Ward: Slow Time Kettle’s Yard Until May 10th  avid Ward’s ‘Slow Time’ at Kettle’s collection of museum postcards enti- series of seabird drawings from the Yard is the result of an artistically tled ‘Compositions’, compiled between 1970s replace the slender pencil lines fruitfulD attic clear-out. Collecting to- 1980 and 2008, highlights curious af- of the life-studies with heavy-handed Five of the Best gether, for the first time in forty years, finities between, say, an E.H. Shephard black ink. The gulls tumble and wheel the flotsam and jetsam of his studio, drawing of Winnie the Pooh and a Sur- through white skies, with something of Sneezing Panda Ward has put together an exhibition of realist photograph of a dog seeming, the sinister darkness of crows. How many times can watching a miscellanea: favourite postcards curl- by some trick of the light, to levitate on Ward is at his best when confined to small panda sneeze be entertain- ing at the edges, haphazard life draw- its leash, or between the filigree detail blacks, whites and earth colours. His ing? 34,461,887 times apparently. ings, and odd photographs that never of Claude Perrault’s Corinthian Capital essays in colour are less successful and got put into albums. For one reason or and a spot-lit conch shell. have something of the banality of the Bricks man another, these were the thoughts that The exhibition opens with a display Dulux colour wheel. A pastel-painted Not only is it impressive that this never came to fruition, that lingered of abstract photographs which revel in corrugated bar struck an uncharac- Bangladeshi man can balance 22 in shoe boxes, sketchbooks and stuck smoky, patinated surfaces, half rusty, teristically facile note. Equally, his bricks on his head, but the non- drawers while other more favoured half biscuit-crumbled. On another hall of mirrors smeared with painterly chalant way he throws the 22nd works had their turn in the sun. wall, unearthed from amongst the calligraphic swirls was a weak link in on to the top of the pile is the It’s a charming and unassuming col- studio odds and ends are a series of the chain, but over the course of forty Ward but the verdict that lingers, and icing on the cake. lection which showcases an enduring ‘blind’ life-drawings. These are silkily years an artist is entitled to an off day which I quote here with thanks to the interest over four decades in serpentine erotic despite their arbitrarily overlap- or two. enigmatically signed ‘K’ is: “Dearest Powerthirst 2: Re-Domination lines, subtle shifts of monochromatic ping lines and thighs and curves that The comments book at reception David, Love your squiggles.” Screw you Red Bull, Powerthirst tone and the softness of surfaces. A dissolve with an unsteady pencil. A is full of purple prose and eulogies of Laura Freeman is here! The power of the en- ergy drink taken to its natural extreme: watch out, drinking In The Loop Powerthirst may turn you into Dir. Armando Ianucci Juice Springsteen. Bale Out! Christian Bale Remix! Starring: Tom Hollander, James Gandolfini and Peter Capaldi ACOUSTIC VERSION  Christian Bale’s infamous rant ast week, those seeking laughs from suit their own agendas. of the relentlessly funny parts of this re-imagined as an angry, violin- the cinema would have had to sit The trade in vapid aphorisms (“In the movie derive from the splenetic tirades toting folk-rap. throughL the dismally leaky new Richard land of truth, the man with one fact is the of Peter Capaldi’s menacing press officer Curtis vehicle The Boat That Rocked. But king”) obviously recalls The Office, but Malcolm Tucker, whose streams of allit- Jackass – Golf Course Airhorn this new political satire from the writers here double-speak and middle-manage- erative insults are almost as funny as the They do say the best things in life of The Thick Of It proves that the more ment mean miscalculations risk troops more fey characters’ attempts to recover come for free... who’d have known vital strain of British comedy is still se- and not paperclips. Despite this, Iannuc- their pride in the face of them. that dressing up in camouflage curely afloat. ci has managed to recover something At its crudest, the film’s characterisa- and using an airhorn to distract Shot in the same fly-on-the-wall style desperately funny out of the Iraq war tion of our respective political cultures golfers could have been the as Armando Iannucci’s TV show, the film and gives you no time between laughs pits Americans who refer prudishly to source for so much comic gold? follows ineffectual government minister to feel morally queased. The characters “curse words” against Brits who shoot Simon Foster’s foray out of Whitehall portrayed are reasonably low-level, but them out like clusterbombs. See for in- as he stumbles haplessly along the cor- the scary point is that their office politics stance this face-off between a bullish Five of the Worst ridors of power in the State Department, do end up as Foreign Office policy. neo-con and a Downing Street PR man: putting the ‘special’ into ‘special relation- A running joke in this movie is that “You are an S-star-star-T,” the American Charlie bit my finger - again! ship’ as those around him try desperate- Washington is run by adolescent Har- seethes, with restraint. “You are an F- One of the most watched videos on ly to drum up a case for war. His own vard graduates (“like Bugsy Malone but star-star-cunt,” replies the Scot. YouTube, featuring a baby called mealy-mouthed anti-war sympathies press officers and interns-on-the-make with real guns”, as the Gina McKee char- Alistair Campbell is said not to have Charlie biting his brother’s finger, with are sidelined by a cast of warmongering as he becomes a pawn in their attempts acter quips). Back in Britain, the char- found this movie very funny. You will. a view count of over 92 million. That’s neo-cons, pacifist generals, power-mad to manipulate him (and the evidence) to acters are mainly venal or inept. Some Izzy Finkel over 92 million people out there with no better way to spend 56 seconds. The Manhattan Review Kersal Massive Apparently Jay-Z threatened to throw Ed. Philip Fried; various writers and contributors in the towel after watching this prime example of chav-rapping. Sample Volume 13, No. 2; out now lyric: “Got on the bus with my Day-  saver, smoked a reefer in the car nah.” he Manhattan Review, published are Cambridge alums. Helen Mort, in his ring, his portrait and her writing. in New York and distributed across particular, represents Cambridge with “When Happiness returns, after a long Flip Throw To Face TNorth America and Europe, has its her poem ‘A Bear on the City’ on Byron’s absence,” she comments, “she’s a very One football player’s new throw-in thirteenth issue out now. This issue’s student pet; here, a night-porter, watch- small creature indeed.” technique goes terribly wrong for introduction quotes John Berger, claim- ing the strange visitor, “thinks the night is The joining of disparate elements another player and his face. If you ing that “All human pain is caused by dancing”. The new British poets represent characterises literary journals, when can watch this without cringing, you one form or another of separation... radically new voices, in contrast to the varying voices, and ideas, are presented aren’t human. Poetry can repair no loss but it defies the poems from the last century featured in the same space. Literary journals space that separates.” Healing separated alongside them. Todd Swift, the Cana- exist in a particular space of their own Peter Doherty Queues For Oasis spaces is a theme throughout this issue, dian editor of the feature, concludes that between literature and criticism: Baron Album with writing drawn from across diverse these poems can be characterised as “acts Wormser’s essay here, ‘The Ballad of A now slightly tragic video showing boundaries, “gathering,” in the editor’s of serious lightness of touch”, playing Thomas Hardy and Bob Dylan’, is an a fresh-faced, non-drug-addled Pete words, “a variety of places and times.” delicately with form and representation. excellent example of the calling together Doherty using an Umberto Eco refer- These include Julia Hartwig’s writing Perhaps, however, the most potent of areas which might remain separate ence to describe Oasis. translated from Polish, Toon Tellegen’s defiance of separation is attempted in practically all other spaces. Here, translated from Dutch, and the post-war in Penelope Shuttle’s poetry, much of pop culture meets ‘high’ culture, and Young Simon Amstell writers, Holocaust survivors, featured in which, including her latest collection writers communicate across generations The Never Mind The Buzzcocks host Marc Kaminsky’s article ‘Reinvention of Redgrave’s Widow, remembers her and landscapes – and, tougher still, the before the Preston/Winehouse years Holiness’. husband, poet Peter Redgrave. Slowly, spaces which poetry attempts to defy: – look out for the priceless expression This issue showcases, in particular, Shuttle becomes accustomed to her new image and idea, death and life, narration on the male presenter’s face. 17 young British poets – two of whom space, accessing her husband through and imagination. Colette Sensier

Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): “No,” you explain, “you call it a dick in your mouth.” You’re then thrown out of the pub. Arts Editor: Emma Mustich Friday April 24th 2009 28 Arts [email protected] varsity.co.uk

Great Works Of Art In Cambridge Sex in the Univer- #27: Lutyens Building by Edwin Lutyens City Magdalene College

agdalene College, to borrow a the court, is at river level, a warren of phrase, could have been a con- passages and cellars. Lutyens was partial tender.M She could have boasted a court to a castle air and there is something to rival Trinity in scale, St Catharine’s in imposing and impregnable about the pomp and majesty, or King’s for sheer South Range, particularly when com- frontage. As it stands today, Magdalene’s pared with the light, Rococo frippery Mallory Court is a hodgepodge of cot- of the Magdalene Pepys building. The tages, rooms above a pub and a council Lutyens range is a bruiser of a building. block tower in miniature. Pevsner accused it of being “a little too In 1931, the future was rosy red- convinced of itself”. brick. Fresh from carving out the But it’s not without its charms. Each Week 1: Supernatural streetmap and sculpting the townscape of the staircase balustrades boasts of New Delhi, Edwin Lutyens took on unique, identifying carvings, harking Snogging the commission for a monumental new back to Lutyens’ childhood spent learn- court. His projected scheme would have ing traditional handicrafts in the Surrey mong the teenage sorority swept away the mediaeval houses and village of Thursley. This interest in there is no greater sex-symbol blue-wash brick work of Bridge Street hand-wrought craftsmanship endured thanA the sallow of skin, sharp of and replaced them with three colossal throughout his long and international tooth vampire Edward Cullen in ranges in red-brown brick. This would career as an architect. College lore has Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books. have transformed Magdalene’s village it that the balustrades were designed For today’s university undergrad- green and cottages into a massy and no- to help guide drunken undergraduates uate who cut her romantic teeth, ble, though perhaps impersonal, court. to the right staircase after a night of so to speak, on Buffy the Vampire Only the south range, long and sym- revelry in roaring ‘30s Cambridge. Slayer and her undead paramour metrical, an unusual mix of Tudor ga- Had Lutyens’ plan been executed, Angel or the tousled haired extra- bles and staircase doors in the manner Magdalene would be very different, terrestrials of Roswell High, the of James Gibbs (of Senate House fame), grandiloquent and formal. But as it is, appeal of the otherworldly romance was ever built. Inside, the staircases Lutyens’ south range lends just enough is legend. The American Right have are evocatively olde England – dark, statesmanlike grace to a pick-and-mix seen Meyer’s tale of high school monastic. The basement storey, with court. A little Lutyens goes a long way. girl and vegetarian vampire as a its windows set low into the skirting of Laura Freeman katy king celebration of abstinence; Edward cannot become inflamed by Bella or he might surrender to a moment of carnivorous abandon. So, in the in- terest of keeping things above-the- waist here’s a guide to the potential Games & puzzles perils of supernatural kissing. The Vampire – In which the gentleman having delivered a no. 503 perfunctory kiss on the lips, lunges Varsity Crossword Sudoku with blood-thirsty intent at his

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one victim’s neck and then gnaws, bites 28 ... However, I retain a state of condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the digits 1 and tenderises virgin flesh. Do not through 9 exactly once. 8 9 calm (7) confuse a well-judged love bite with 30 Between the start of yesterday the full-on Nosferatu routine. 10 11 and the end of July, body parts of The Alien – Aim is everything, attractive man comprise what one 9 5 7 6 gentlemen. No female earthling

12 should pursue at university (5,2,5) welcomes a sliming. Try not to 3 1 leave a saliva trail across our cheeks, dripping from the ends of 13 14 Down 2 7 6 5 4 our noses, or oozing over our chins. 2 What blows no good (as they say), 5 1 8 2 15 Get this right and we might let you Hisashi will conquer: start dinner take us back to your spaceship and (3,4) 8 9 examine us with your probe. 16 17 3 Put, er, those in your pipe and 9 7 3 1 The Frankenstein – Whereby the smoke it! (2,5) upright English gentleman holds 4 Drunken idiot, entirely reliable, 1 6 2 8 5 his neck perfectly erect and still heads out for journey (4) throughout the kiss as if it were 18 19 20 21 22 5 What locates things concealed by 4 2 held there by screw and bolt. Lo- bathers? (2) gistically this means that the noses

5 8 4 7 / MADE BY G a r e th Moor www.puzzlemix.com 23 6 What politician is in trampy items, of both parties are uncomfortably still to be dealt with? (2-4) squashed for the duration. The 24 25 7 More dependent one in bread- The Varsity Scribblepad counterpart to this is... maker, by the sound of it? (7) The Igor – The Igor tilts his head 26 8 Movement of influential paint- at a lopsided angle and then seizes ers beginning with ephemeral art, your neck and bends it likewise. 27 28 spurning Michelangelo’s lead (3-10) Prolonged kissing in this dislocated 9 We at home vanished, also position guarantees a cricked neck, a 29 somehow finally to begin thinking wrenched shoulder and agony when intelligently (5,4,4) bent over an essay the next day. 30 12 Party decoration everyone re- The Werewolf – I appreciate ceived by gift (7) a fine beard and a smattering of 15 Coarsely brushed morsel with lit- designer stubble as much as any girl tle education (7) but, gentlemen, do be aware of the Across ing space for violent types (6,4) 19 Furiously exist briefly in a lazy sandpaper factor. Don’t bring your 1 Student paper to poke fun at 17 What boaties manipulate by manner (7) girlfriend out in a rash. queen? No ta, it’s offensive (12) mouth: love, approximately (2,2) 21 A way to regard well (7) Lastly, there will be no accusa- 10 Transmitted within the family (7) 18 Story’s end follows another’s mid- 22 Suspiciously late in bed, as a sheep tions of sexism in this column, so 11 Force from Samson’s head some of dle with skill (4) said (7) girls, beware of... what was taken from it (6) 20 Foul bra Eva dressed in fashion (10) 23 Torn, unidentified epidural mem- The Cousin-It effect – Long, glossy 13 Injured, lacking in energy, broken 24 Brisker organ about to rest (8) brane (6) Last issue’s solution locks are a winning seduction tool (6) 25 A fantastic way to articulate fur- 26 (Very) Little Richard, extremely but when it comes to the kiss beware 2 1 9 4 7 3 6 5 8 14 Pet cow in a big car to go on holi- ther (2,4) loudly, plays a bit of music (4) 5 3 8 9 2 6 7 1 4 of stray hairs, or your Dracula may 7 6 4 8 1 5 3 9 2 day (8) 27 Muted annoyance puts Hisashi in 29 Constitutes a demi-god? (2) 8 2 6 7 5 9 1 4 3 find himself pulling silken strands 9 7 1 3 4 2 5 8 6 16 Quietly joined church lines, mak- a dull mood ... (6) Set by Hisashi 4 5 3 1 6 8 2 7 9 from between his pointy teeth. 6 4 5 2 9 7 8 3 1 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 502) 1 8 2 5 3 4 9 6 7 The Unpenitent Magdalene Across: 1 Rhyming slang, 9 Pears, 10 Van, 11 Probe, 12 Abhors, 13 Knee-jerk, 15 Ernie, 16 Oxon, 17 Anal, 20 Orca, 22 Sari, 23 Annoy, 25 Mermaids, 26 Gateau, 28 Ascot, 29 Ohm, 30 Orbit, 31 Barney Rubble. Down: 2 Heathen, 3 3 9 7 6 8 1 4 2 5 Miseries, 4 Navy, 5 San Antonio, 6 Apples, 7 Grope, 8 Berkeley hunt, 9 Plates of meat, 14 Dog and bone, 18 Nonverbal, 19 Catacomb, 21 Corncob, 24 Faster, 27 Emir. Nutty Adventure (starts on page 13): You try to diffuse the situation with a nut-based joke. “Barman,” you ask, “what do you call nuts on a wall?” “Er, walnuts?” he responds correctly. “Correct!” you say. “What about nuts on a chest?” He pauses. “Um...chestnuts?” “Correct!” you say. “And what do you call nuts on your chin?” He is dumbfounded. “Er...chin-nuts?” »p27 Oh, the suspense: is the barman right? Find out on page 27! Friday April 24th 2009 Write for Varsity Sport: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Sport 29

REPORTS Glory for rugby girls in Grange Road grudge match » Women come out on top in clinical Varsity encounter to cap fantastic season SOPHIE PICKFORD Jenny Morgan penalty kick. Oxford’s handling errors added to e women’s rugby Blues stormed to Cambridge 9 their woes as the play remained rooted Varsity victory for the second year run- in their half. e Cambridge forwards ning on a day of Light Blue domination at Oxford 0 trundled in for the kill, unfortunately Grange Road. just edged out this side of the corner  ag, e girls made the most of the home but support was on hand to turnover advantage, starting con dently while great supporting play from Anne Venner and drive once more within the next few Oxford made a series of early mistakes, and Kate Robson to keep the Oxford minutes. Even when cut down to four- fumbling the ball in the lineout and defence pinned on their own try line. teen a er the  anker was sin-binned, knocking on to gi Cambridge the  rst No points were forthcoming, though, Cambridge remained in control. penalty. Feeling  ush they kicked to touch and it was actually a Dark Blue attack As the minutes ticked on the scoreline then launched their o ensive across the two minutes from half-time that looked was increasingly irrelevant; it never pitch. Oxford somehow managed to keep dangerous. A series of missed tackles let looked again like Oxford could come them out but gave away another penalty the Oxford centre make up some ground, back to life. Another penalty was to be in the process, this time kicked to goal by but the ball was turned over in the nick of the last nail in the co n, stretching the Helen Bell eld. time to leave Cambridge 3-0 ahead at the  nal score to 9-0 for Varsity victory. But the Dark Blues were quick o the whistle. A match short on tries, for sure, and restart and counter-attacked to within e second half saw wave a er wave of with areas of less than perfect play from metres of the try line. e tackling was attacking play from Cambridge. An early both teams. But an admirable perform- desperate but the line held, and the error penalty just de ected o the posts, but ance nonetheless from one of Cam- Kerry Bloxham stays was eventually forced as a crunching hit the Blues were quick to win it back and bridge’s most successful out ts this year. strong in the tackle forced the ball to be lost forward. Soon Lucy Hartwell made a fantastic drive to Mention must also go to the second a erwards captain Rachel ompson led within inches of the line. When the ball team who played at Grange Road earlier from the front, taking a quick penalty and was held up, Cambridge came away with in the day, securing a resounding 34-5 running through three players, with some three points as Bell eld slotted over the victory.

JAMES GRAVESTON Oxford take victory at the Cottage

Pranav Sood Perhaps conscious of their slender advantage, the Dark Blues began the Both teams went into this year’s Varsity Cambridge 0 second half more nervously and excel-  xture, held once again at Craven Cot- lent work from Cambridge winger tage, full of con dence, having  nished Oxford 1 Mark Baxter saw the team haul them- second in their respective leagues. selves back into contention through As has been the case for the past few a spell of sustained possession. But  xtures, Oxford played their league con dent in possession and began to they failed to capitalise as the service football in a higher division than probe the Cambridge back line. Striker to centre-forwards Johnson and Amos Cambridge. e Dark Blues’ already Toogood was particularly impressive le much to be desired. strong side was further bolstered by in the early exchanges. e Light Blue e Light Blues were further the inclusion of a number of returning defence held  rm, soaking up the pres- strengthened by the introduction of Blues. Cambridge, though, had little sure as the mid eld looked to regroup. Day and Harrison, the former provid- reason for pre-match nerves, particu- But another clever run from Toogood ing Cambridge with defensive solidity larly given the emphatic nature of their found him enough space to pick out and the latter some much-needed at- 5-3 victory in last season’s  xture. the guileful number twelve, who slot- tacking penetration. Despite Harrison’s Nonetheless, and despite the last- ted home from just inside the area. pace and skill, which brie y threatened minute inclusion of veteran striker Oxford, visibly boosted by the strike, to bring about an equaliser and cer- Michael Stark looks Michael Johnson, the Light Blues continued their siege of the Cambridge tainly le many in the crowd wonder- con dent on the ball began the game tentatively and strug- goal, hitting the bar and spurning yet ing why his introduction came so late gled to stick to any sort of game-plan. more opportunities to increase their in the day’s proceedings, Oxford held Oxford, meanwhile, grew increasingly lead before the interval. on to take a well-deserved 1-0 victory. Eddie’s see red in crunching Cuppers encounter JAMES GRAVESTON » John’s dominate to take the double for the fifth year running over a brutally physical St Edmund’s XV Jenny Morgan although with some of the fastest players the pitch found a Rickman-shaped hole in Cambridge in the Eddie’s arsenal, there in the defensive line for the storming cen- St John’s 23 was certainly plenty of danger to contend tre to take his second try. But the twists Chances are if you’re reading this, you with. But suddenly John’s golden boy and turns of this mega match were not don’t like John’s. If you’ve ever bumped St Edmund’s 12 Sandy Reid burst through from the back over yet, and minutes later the leaders into the rugby team on a night out, of a ruck before handing o to Lloyd found themselves trimmed to fourteen chances are you hate them. But quids Rickard who stormed up the wing to men as the passion bubbled over into all in you haven’t beaten them either, and was all Eddie’s could do to keep up. take the try. With John’s thus holding a out brawling. the now  ve times League and Cuppers Early pressure on the St Edmund’s precarious lead into half time, the match But Eddie’s failed to monopolise and winners sure as hell aren’t going to let you backline led to a John’s lineout deep into was really starting to hot up. in fact it was John’s who took charge, forget it. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you can’t enemy territory. A few minutes later that Despite an early penalty to stretch that Will Mayne leading the drive to the deny they’re bloody good at rugby. pressure forced an error, leaving Scott lead, it was Eddie’s who came out  ring line with MacLennan the eventual and Lining up against St Edmund’s, a team MacLennan with a gi of a penalty to from the restart. In a fast and furious ef- very deserving try scorer. When James with nine of this year’s Varsity squad in pop over for the  rst points. But the great fort involving every member of the team, Wellwood broke clear for the  nal try of their starting   een (and another in the Blues machine was gradually grating they retained the possession for a good the match a few minutes later it was but mascot out t), it looked to all like the into gear and soon it was an Eddie’s   een minutes and surged on towards a consolatory e ort for the defeated St reign of those mightiest of rugby disciples drive steamrollering its way up the pitch. the line an excruciating number of times. Edmund’s. was to come crashing down about their John’s desperately pulled it to ground, but Within metres, even inches of scor- e passion and the glory, the sheer cauli ower ears. But they hadn’t quite eventually a er wheeling a scrum and ing, eventually the ball was held up and inspiration of the underdog team le Team stalwarts Mayne factored on the passion that outgoing breaking the ball loose, Chris Perera stole turned from what had seemed a point of even the most neutral observers a little and Cartwright feel captain Will Hall could summon from through for a try. no return. breathless. And John’s, the unstoppable, the post-match love his loyal band of Redboys. John’s came With all to play for, John’s were look- John’s were quick to hit back, and some the rude, the unlovable, still unbeatable, it out  ghting that sunny a ernoon, and it ing more imaginative in their set play, silky smooth play across the full width of seems, for the   h year running. Sport Editors: Jenny Morgan & Jimmy Pickles Friday April 24th 2009 30 Sport [email protected] varsity.co.uk

Sport Feature: Mike Atherton Interview Athers Opens Up former Cambridge blue and england captain Mike Atherton talks to jenny morgan about his cricket career ricket and controversy seem know it. That said, Cambridge cricket was universities are much less likely to that recommended him to the Eng- Cto be increasingly common The sport as a whole is in a state a little different from anything he’d want anybody who does not fit the land management and to his players. bedmates. From billion dollar fraud of great upheaval, with a growing di- experienced before. “At Cambridge academic requirements. We have Hailing from Manchester he felt to international terrorism down to vide between those looking forward we weren’t expected to win any crossed a threshold not to return.” out of place initially at Cambridge, the less than gentlemanly behaviour to a profitable and more watchable games. It was a case of hanging in Talking warmly of the years he but was then ribbed for being a toff of the sportsmen both on and off game in line with other professional there and not disgracing ourselves.” spent here, it seems a great shame when he went to Lancashire. With the field, it is cricket, but not as we sports and those defending the last Not dissimilar, perhaps, to the that the road he travelled is increas- slightly cruder variations on the bastion of an English sporting tradi- England ethos that he came across ingly difficult for young cricketers nickname ‘FEC’ (Future England tion from corporate corruption. in his later years as captain. But he to take. Describing his time on the Captain) bounding about in the Not a bad time, then, to look back was no stranger to success: playing team as “great fun and a tremendous dressing room, this good-natured A cricketing great... to simpler years. When a stubborn for a Lancashire side that won eight experience” and pointing out the banter actually endeared him even and single-minded individual could domestic one-day titles and finished useful exposure provided by the more to those about him. step seamlessly from Cambridge second in the Championship four match coverage in the national dai- Looking back, however, he accepts Athers began his career at Man- Blue to future England captain. It times, he learned to take the rough lies, Cambridge cricket was clearly that the game, indeed the world, has chester Grammar School where he was the 1990s, and Mike Atherton with the smooth and to develop his crucial to the development of his changed since his time at the crease. scored nearly 3,500 runs and took was at the helm of English cricket. own game, to keep his head while all budding talent. Unmoved by the warning calls of 170 wickets. This was enough to Atherton soon became a house- around were losing theirs. The fact that then, as now, it the staunch traditionalists, he sees a ensure him a place on the England hold name as he opened for Lan- For cricket in the 90s needed received significantly less interest lot of good in the reforms that have U19 and Lancashire Schools teams. cashire and England in the closing someone who was driven by some- than, say, rugby or rowing actually come to the game. In particular, the In 1987 he came up to Cam- decade of the last century. Adopt- thing more than just glory and served to reduce the pressure upon amount of support the players now bridge where he was selected for the ing a gutsy, traditional batting success, someone who loved the the players and allow them to learn receive both on and off the pitch Blues. Soon afterwards he made his style, Athers was at his best when game enough to hang on in there no to love the game for what it is. “I would have been invaluable to such debut for Lancashire, and scored the chips were down and all hope matter what. Cambridge helped him didn’t expect anything when I came a captain as young as him. his maiden first-class hundred just seemed lost, winning him great to grow up and appreciate that, and up here. I hoped I might meet a few But no regrets for the gruff a fortnight later. admiration from the English public provided him with a solid base of decent players and that the pitch Lancastrian: “We are all products of His heady rise continued with his and a place in the hearts of cricket- experience upon which to found his might be OK but other than that I our time. Had I been playing now I Test debut in 1989 against Australia ing traditionalists the world over. career. was happy for the opportunity to would be a totally different kind of at Trent Bridge and his first ODI But where did it all begin? Mike is It is an experience that he admits play against first-class players and player. I would have loved Twenty20 against India the following year. quick to credit Cambridge with the belonged to another time. “I think was determined to make the most cricket, just as I loved limited overs He took over the captaincy from leg up he needed to the international the days of Cambridge, or indeed of it.” cricket with Lancashire.” Graham Gooch in 1993 in timely stage. Coming up to Downing in any university having the kind of Perhaps today’s youngsters have No stranger himself to contro- recognition of his leadershp skills 1987 he was soon a regular on the influence, they had in the past are unreasonably high expectations and versy, perhaps this is the kind of and consistency. cricketing scene making the most long gone.” demands, leading them to forget level-headed attitude that English His career spanned more than a of the unique opportunity on offer. He puts the decline in stand- exactly what it is that really matters. cricket now needs to adopt. With decade, despite repeated back trou- “Cambridge, along with Oxford, ards and shift in values down to “I didn’t need great facilities to get one eye to the future lying beyond ble. His last Test for England was played first-class cricket so I was able the “short-sighted, wrong-headed myself fit and in good enough form the boundary fence but with legs played in the summer of 2001. to kill two birds with one stone: get- attitudes” of the people behind the to make a decent fist of things. You firmly rooted in the past, ready for Athers is now a respected jour- ting a degree and playing cricket. I academic system. “Young sportsmen just need opportunity, belief, deter- anything that the fast bowling fate nalist, transferring his no-nonsense played first-class cricket much earlier are much less likely nowadays to be mination and a little talent.” can send his way. playing style to his writing. than I would have otherwise done.” encouraged to go to university and It was this no-nonsense attitude With questions from Charlie Pearson Twenty20 at Fenner’s: the season ahead Charlie pearson takes a look at the season in store for the Cambridge cricketers ednesday June 10th will be a better time to follow College cricket. day of unprecedented excite- Caius are the defending champions Wment at Fenner’s this term as the after last summer’s deserved defeat University Cricket Club host this of Trinity at Fitz, and seem to be year’s Cuppers final, followed shortly backing themselves to be protago- by the hotly anticipated second Var- nists in this year’s final as well. sity Twenty20 match, sponsored by Similarly, the Blues will obviously Charles Russell. be pushing for a repeat of last year’s The match is a follow-up to the win and look well-placed to do so, success of last year’s inaugural with players of some pedigree in the contest at the Parks in Oxford, ranks. Ruel Brathwaite has opened which Cambridge won by 29 runs. the bowling for Barbados in the past In accordance with the customary and toured with the West Indies sen- theatrics of slap-n-tickle T20 cricket, ior squad when they visited England garishly coloured kit will be provided in 2007, while South African Marc by Charles Russell, and Varsity is Rosenberg has played professionally told that the delightful pink ball, as with both Leicestershire and Natal. being trialled by the ICC for one-day The man hoping to rudder Cam- cricket, will be in use. bridge to victory in all three Varsity The Cuppers final, also twenty- competitions this season, captain over cricket, will open proceedings at Akbar Ansari, is a product of the 11am, while the Blues are expected Surrey academy and scored a mag- to do battle against the old opposi- nificent 193 in last year’s four-day tion at 3pm. Varsity. A veritable jamboree of smash- All should make for a fantastic ing cricket, all are encouraged to prelude for the Varsity cricket series support the Blues, and of course the so I thoroughly recommend joining College finalists, who for the first the party at Fenner’s. time in years will have the privilege We also look forward to the of fighting it out in front of the full Varsity one-day match at Lord’s, July grandstand at Fenner’s. Tickets for 4th, and the Varsity first-class match the day are £3. at Fenner’s, July 7th-10th. There’s probably never been a Friday April 24th 2009 Write for Varsity Sport: varsity.co.uk [email protected] Sport 31

Imran Cooney’s Marathon Coomaraswamy Sport Comment IPL: it’s big, it’s brash, it’s biblical

s Lalit Modi really cricket’s Moses? reworks displays, but most impor- Aussies were awesome, Sanath still and will Modi get there? Whatever hap- Lauren I e 45 year old Vice President of tantly, he brought in Bollywood: every sizzled, Shoaib Akhtar still devastated pens next, however, the IPL story is al- Cooney the Indian Cricket Board, Modi is the franchise (through either its owners or – and then disintegrated. ready akin to a biblical epic. You might architect of the Indian Premier League, brand ambassadors) got lm stars on Together with all this went just the say this article is a testament to that. a competition that has transformed the board to grab more headlines and ll right amount of drama and surprise,  e Ten Commandments Lalit ‘Mo- landscape of the cricketing world. more column inches than runs alone though even the Rajasthan Royals’ ses’ Modi delivered to the IPLites: It was ex-Indian captain turned could ever manage. classic underdog story was penned 1. I am the IPL, thy God, and thou TV front-man Ravi Shastri who rst By this point, cricket’s Moses had his by a familiar hand; cricket’s favourite shalt have no other gods before me. Week 1 described the IPL supremo as a “Moses mission, his vision, his people – not overweight blond, whose nickname 2.  ou shalt make thyself into an of the game, who has shown the path Israelites but IPLites. Next came the happens to be Hollywood, worked his idol, so that lots of fans pay to watch In which Lauren discovers that success really to blazing success”.  ere is, of course, plagues. Not frogs, boils and locusts, magic once again. matches and buy up plenty of mer- is just a state of mind... a fair chance that Shastri only made but controversial internationally Alas, disaster struck. Before the chandise. this pronouncement because his con- co-ordinated embargoes on players, second season could begin, the threat 3.  ou shalt not make wrong- tract as an IPL commentator explicitly administrators and even commenta- of international terrorism forced the ful use of my name, nor of any of irthdays are traditionally times required him to do so. Nonetheless, tors with any links to the rival Indian IPLites into exile in the wilderness of my trademarks (no sixes – only DLF Bto feel good about oneself. We it’s worth contemplating this com- Maximums, please). get to invite people who make us parison for a minute, especially given 4. Remember the Sabbath; rest as- happy, ll us with joy, and buy us what Modi himself has said about his sured that a double-header of matches presents or drinks, to spend the day agenda: “We have taken some bold ‘‘Let my people go - to Twenty20 shall be played. with us. I celebrated my 21st over steps. We’re going forward and trying 5. Honour thy father and mother, the holidays and did exactly this. to change the world order.” and franchise owner, and above all thy You bloody lucky things. Let’s rewind a couple of years. “Let cricket matches.’’ multi-million-dollar contract.  e following day I awoke feeling my people go – to Twenty20 cricket 6.  ou shalt murder all types of so much older and wiser. But this matches,” Modi declared to the world, bowling whenever possible. smug and cake-stu ed self-con- or words to that e ect.  e success 7.  ou shalt not commit adultery. tentment was stumped by a rogue of Twenty20 in England had initially Cricket League. It wasn’t just any South Africa. Modi led them fearlessly By adultery I mean jumping into bed birthday card that slipped through been ignored by those in charge of old Twenty20 cricket matches Modi across the sea in a logistical opera- with anyone a liated to the League my letterbox a day late. Kerplunk. Indian cricket. It took their national wanted the people to go to, it was his tion that was truly biblical in scale:  at Shall Not Be Named. And by On the front of this beautifully team’s dramatic triumph in the inau- matches. By hook or by (shepherd’s) booking 30,000 hotel rooms at three jumping into bed I mean breathing the cra ed handmade card was a picture gural ICC World Twenty20 to really crook, he would get his way. weeks’ notice is a miracle in my book, same air. of me, decked in teeny tiny hot spur them into action. Expanding the  us, amidst much fanfare, the In- if not in Exodus. Life in the wilder- 8.  ou shalt help me steal the pants that sculpted my fabulously  edgling inter-state competition that dian Premier League was created. And ness would be tough – smaller squads, limelight from every other event in the taut bum, whizzing past a crowd of had taken place in 2007 would have it was good. For all the grumblings by smaller crowds, no home-and-away cricketing calendar. adoring fans, and jetting through the been a sensible next step, but a certain pessimistic and puritanical pundits, format and no home cooking – but the 9.  ou shalt lie about whether thou nish line to receive a trophy. In this Mr Modi had other ideas. Big ideas. the tournament was a spectacular IPLites had only to think of the bigger hast caught the ball cleanly, so that my wonderfully well wishing birthday His vision borrowed more from success.  e one thing Modi could (live TV) picture. sponsors shall get plenty of airtime card I had won the marathon. Premiership football than it did from not control directly – the sport (is it  e next chapter of this tale remains while the TV umpire’s decision is My rst instinct was to shove it in county cricket, with the world’s best cricket?) – was thrilling. Twenty20 to be written. Perhaps credit-crunched pending. my attic and make a cunning prayer players auctioned to the highest bid- may not be the same test as a Test, sponsors will leave the IPLites needing 10.  ou shalt not covet thy team- that it was I who won the race, ders, city-based franchises, billionaire but the league’s format ensured that manna from heaven to survive. Perhaps mates’ WAGs, nor any of the cheer- receiving the glory and the money owners and billions of fans. Not shy those who just hit and giggled didn’t the exile will last several years. Moses leaders I have  own in from the USA. (stu the charity), whilst the card of American-style razzmatazz, Modi get the last laugh. Reassuring patterns died before reaching the Promised Well at least don’t text them. Shane, grew limp and bruised on the 26.2 brought in cheerleaders and big emerged. India’s young guns blazed, Land. What is the IPL’s promised land, didst thou get that? mile course. It then seemed that the only really rational thing I could do in this situation was to ask myself, what would it actually take to WIN THE MARATHON? Well rst I would have to shit myself, but that really goes without Oxford outmuscle Cambridge on the river saying. I would probably also have JAMES GRAVESTON to be black, and I’m not sure how Jenny Morgan I could do this by Sunday.  e rest Cambridge 79 seem like comparatively easy sacri- Returning champions Oxford came into ces: shin splints, bleeding nipples, the 155th Boat Race strong and con - Oxford 75 blisters, heat rash etc. dent. With the emphasis on the strong. I turned to the internet for guid- Five Olympians nestled within their ance, and, as with most things, man- monster eight-man crew, weighing in at to win, Cambridge still looked in good aged to nd a plethora of American a stonking average of 100kg a person and shape whilst Oxford battled an erratic websites telling me, “OK, it was with the steely-eyed look of absolute con- stroke rate and a tightness that seemed to eaaasssy, I did it, I did it twice, all ya centration. No prizes for guessing who be holding them back. gotta do is bend the rules.” It seems the smart money was on. But then in scenes painfully remi- that you can WIN the marathon, if But Cambridge weren’t just going to let niscent of last year, and in that heart- you simply bend the rules of what them row away with it. With a rm belief wrenchingly incremental way unique to WINNING is. For instance, one in their technical superiority, and know- rowing, Oxford pulled up two seats at Americano was the defending cham- ing that anything can happen in a Boat the two-mile marker. By the Chiswick pion of the Georgia Summer Sizzler Race, they came prepared for battle. And Steps they had drawn ahead, and under Triathlon, but he was the only man when CUBC President Henry Pelly won passionate instruction from their cox, in his age bracket, which meant the toss and chose to gamble with a start looked to be growing in con dence, re- that he won. He de ned the rule of from the Surrey station it appeared that laxing, and pulling further away.  is what winning was and WON. AND they at least fancied their chances. was the moment when the race was truly THAT’S WHAT COUNTS. Oh, so However an undeniably poor start for won or lost, and Cambridge failed to rise it’s not the taking part a er all. the Light Blue crew handed Oxford the to the challenge until too late. Oxford’s I’ll just stick with the OAPs and opportunity to take half a length o the unmatchable strength really began to tell three-legged costumed racers, and rst six strokes. Recovering well, Cam- and as Cambridge hit the wall, Oxford claim that really I had always dreamt bridge was soon looking more comfort- barged their way through it. of beating a dinosaur with an 8 tail able and drew level with the big guns on Oxford crossed the line several lengths and three other men on his back. a manageable stroke rate of 35. Some ag- ahead for their fourth victory in the last So if you’re stuck for something to gressive work from the cox Rebecca Dow- ve years. Cambridge had given their all do on Sunday why not come down biggin had Oxford pushed right over to on the day, but were found wanting. Seri- to London?  e atmosphere will the Middlesex side so that her crew could ous questions must now be asked of the be fantastic, mainly because I can enjoy the best of the early bend. rowing programme here as Oxford have guarantee that you will de nitely get  is combined with the long and started to look somewhat unstoppable. to see me WIN THE MARATHON. powerful stroke of Silas Sta ord at bow On a day where style and technique were And if you are stuck here, you can pulled the underdogs ahead and, as Ox- rudely routed by sheer power, where always support me, and my charity, A dejected rower sums up the nancially instead: www.everyclick. ford missed a stroke under pressure, al- beauty was ravished by the beast, the feeling in the Cambridge camp lowed them to make it their race. Storm- tactics of this Cambridge team seemed com/laurencooney ing under Hammersmith Bridge, where somewhat outdated. But at least there’s 80% of leaders at this point have gone on always next year... Friday April 24th 2009 varsity.co.uk/sport

In the summer time...

Jenny Morgan interviews Mike Atherton about cricket Sport and Cambridge. p30 VARSITY MATCH RUNNING TOTAL: CAMBRIDGE 18, OXFORD 17. NEXT UP: DRESSAGE, CRICKET, ATHLETICS, TENNIS, CYCLING

SOPHIE PICKFORD View from the River Silas Sta ord

he Boat Race is an incredibly hard race to lose. Almost a Tmonth on, I still nd myself quite troubled by the race.  e entire race day was very surreal. A er all those Stygian winter months, a er the hours spent visualising race day, a er thousands of strokes of preparation, my psyche had di culty believing that race day was actually happening. During the race it felt strangely as if I were watching somebody else race. I was so well prepared that my body and subconscious could race on autopilot, while my brain was curiously free to observe the race. Chris Webb catches Cli We threw the kitchen sink at Ox- Mark with a right jab ford at about seven minutes in, and to their credit, they did not crack. If we had 20 more strokes of “momen- tum” to give, the result might have been di erent. Unfortunately, we did not.  ere are a million what-if’s to consider: what if we had not botched the start? What if we had chosen Boxing Blues Destroy Oxford the opposite station? What if I had waited to call the massive push? » Dark Blues left bloodied and bruised after second Varsity boxing whitewash in 102 years Hindsight will always haunt a loss. We did not race perfectly, but Two enormous le s from Chad- fore, again looked stable and assertive. Jamie Ptaszynski nobody ever races the Boat Race wick saw his opponent on the ground His background in kickboxing clearly perfectly. We lost because we raced Adrian Teare’s explosive knock-out Cambridge 9 and the ght stopped inside the rst gives him an edge when it comes to an exceptional crew. I did every- punch in the nal heavyweight bout minute, while Vitale was not allowed footwork and balance and the only thing in my power to prepare, and landed like a juicy cherry on the top of Oxford 0 to continue against Chapman when he danger came when he brie y li ed his was con dent that we would win. a beautifully tiered boxing cake. stopped throwing punches in the sec- head and caught a couple on the chin  e only thing I had not prepared  e Oxford team may have been when Cambridge’s Jay  omas got the ond round. towards the end of the second round. myself for was what it would feel shaken by the disturbing end to one of bene t of the doubt a er three tight  e competition actually started  e best ght of the evening, like to lose. the supporting ghts, a er which one rounds against Adam Levine. fairly ordinarily, with Irfan Ahmed though, came from captain Will Rees. Now back in Cambridge, I nd of their female teammates was stretch- Otherwise, the domination was ab- eventually deemed to have landed Landing three jabs immediately, Rees myself a bit lost. Lingering disap- ered o in a t. It was a precautionary solute. Aside from Teare’s KO, Hult, more clean punches than Adam Blick. backed o and waited for the right pointment is mixed with a sense measure but it was also a reminder of Chadwick and Chapman all had to Ieuan Marsh was on typically destruc- moments to strike. He picked them of how incredibly fortunate I am. how truly dangerous this sport can be. be stopped before they caused their tive form and, having been slightly perfectly and his quick combinations Before the race, I had such a strong But that is not to undermine the bloodied opponents any irreparable out-boxed in the rst round, forced the were too much for Chris Pearson. His purpose, and without that purpose clear superiority of the Cambridge damage. It was Hult’s rangy jab which eight count twice in the second. With head bobbed and dived out of the way it feels as though I am in a place I boys. Of the nine competition bouts, rst sent a red spray from Lowe’s le yet more Oxford blood spilt in the of his opponent’s sts and his counter- have never been before. Finally I can only one came to a questionable ma- eye and a er a big hook hit the same third, the decision was not a hard one. punching was a delight. It was a night know the joys of being a “normal” jority decision.  e Oxford support spot in the second round, it would have Chris Webb, who shone in the Town for the Cardi lad to be very proud, Cambridge student. I feel honoured. were vocal about their disappointment been unsafe for him to carry on. vs Gown match a couple of weeks be- both of himself and of his team. FREE TABLOID More News More Views More Sport... VFriday, April 24,ARSITY 2009 varsity.co.uk COMPETITION HEY NUDE! Win an A-Team DVD if Naked epidemic you can solve Fermat’s sweeps last theorem Cambridge See Full Story GET NO PAIN! Page 4

SHAME AND FURY AS CHINA CHANGE SHOE-THROWER TRIAL DATES By ANDREW BELLIS The trial of a Cambridge student charged with throwing his shoe at the Chinese prime minister has been moved – because it would DANDY have clashed with the anniversary of a HUMAN RIGHTS ATROCITY in China. The Chinese embassy asked British offi cials to rearrange the trial of Martin Jahnke, a postgraduate at Darwin, to avoid coinciding with the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. DARWIN This is despite the fact that China still claim that nothing of note ever even happened on that day. By BETH STATON FIASCO NEWLY discovered accounts have FURIOUS campaigners have ex- prompted a massive EVOLUTION pressed their anger at the decision. in our ideas about Darwin’s stu- “I’m extremely concerned if the real dent days. reason is to save the political embar- Charles Darwin prob- rassment of the Chinese government,” ably completed his under- said Matt Whitticase, a spokesman for graduate degree in a haze the Free Tibet campaign. IN BOOZE of lavish debauchery, new “The British justice system has records reveal. enough pressure on it without it be- Experts were shocked to find that ing for the convenience of the Chinese Darwin’s newly discovered college government,” he said. spending accounts were those of But the police have DENIED that a metrosexual young man who they are aware of any potential secu- certainly wasn’t thrifty with his rity threats relating to the trial. cash. Mr Jahnke is accused of causing har- Although tuition fees were a assment, alarm or distress to the Chi- bargain at £14, his college bills nese prime minister, Wen Jiabao, after amount to £636.0.91/2 over three throwing a shoe at the politician during SHOES years. That’s £46,000 in today’s a speech in Cambridge in February. money. History professor Ian McCalman OUTRAGE says this confirms Darwin’s status as “an incredibly vigorous young His trial was due to take place from June bloke”. 2nd-4th, but will now begin a day earlier The man-about-town made the to avoid clashing with the Tiananmen NATURAL SELECTION to spend Square anniversary. his money on shoes over books. On June 4th 1989, hundreds of Charles spent very little time in unarmed student demonstrators lectures and preferred to spend his were SHOT DEAD by Chinese forces days in the countryside RIDING, crushing a pro-democracy protest in SHOCKER shooting and collecting beetles. Beijing. Shoes and women are more important than books Continued page 2... Continued page 2... 2 VARSITY Friday, April 24, 2009 Wild man Darwin: ‘Total Lad’ Continued from the front... It is certain that Dar- win “drank a lot, spent I’M TOO SEXY money on clothes and went out to parties” LASH... Sidney Sussex bar said Darwin boffi n Mc- Calman. He also describes Sidney bar Darwin as a student who “fooled around” bows to police and was “really quite wild”. FOR MY SCHOOL pressure No accounts for Dar- win’s expenditure on Teacher totty: teaching toddlers by day, touting titties by night By JIM STICKY ALCOHOL or cigarettes Sidney Sussex bar management are available. By CAEDMON T-B INAPPROPRIATE”. Gray has not even attempted est teacher in 2002 TV pro- has cracked under pressure from Augustus Henry Mo- to remove them. I assume gramme. the Master and police to RAISE tague, president of the SHAMELESS the pupils have a good giggle She narrowly missed being DRINKS PRICES. “barebacks” drinking so- The provocative photo- about it, but I fi nd it rather awarded “Britain’s Sexiest” in which ciety, was thrilled at the graphs on website www.im- crass.” six winners from other professions Bingo news that Darwin was odel.com feature Miss Gray, The matter had been re- participated. a less than studious un- a former CONVENT school vealed to the mother after her Miss Gray, Each shot of spirits will now cost dergraduate. “Absolute pupil, under the name of ‘Ta- child returned from school one the former 20 pence more, however in a bid L.A.D”, he commented. A LOCAL Cambridge primary sha” in revealing outfi ts. day with the news that “one convent to keep prices down they have school teacher has been at One had her sporting a reveal- of their teachers had some, s c h o o l made the decision to provide mix- Tarzan the centre of controversy after ing pink SATIN NEGLIGEE and what I would call, provocative pupil, ers for free, essentially lowering pictures of her posing nearly nude stilettos and another WRITHING pictures on a website”. was un- the price of a drink. Darwin was such a were found on the internet. on a faux- avail- mentalist than a friend leopard skin DECEIT able for Monkey even made a “JOKE EXPOSED rug. Natasha Gray, com- coat of arms” where The PORNOGRAPHIC The writ- PE teacher at ment. They may, however, be affected drinking and smoking PHOTOGRAPHS were er of the anon- the community by the NUS motion passed ear- were made his trade- brought to the atten- ymous letter said: college on Histon lier this month to raise prices in marks. tion of Manor Com- “I am disgusted that, Road, was named Brit- all student bars to curb binge He also employed an munity College even if these were ain’s sexi- drinking and protect welfare. army of tradespeople principal Ben Slade taken before A Sidney student, who wished to carry out his daily by a letter from a she became to remain anonymous, said tasks. parent. a teacher, “It’s bulls**t. It’s another ob- They include barber, The DAMNING M i s s stacle put there to stop us from grocer, chimney-sweep letter branded having fun.” and tailor, APOTHE- the pictures as CARY, porter, scullion, “ GROSSLY glazier, a hatter, smith, LAUNDRESS, linen- draper, painter, glazier and shoeblacker. One story recalls how the extravagant TIANANMENTAL SQUARE Darwin even used a GUN to blow out Continued from the front... candles in his room. The official death toll for the bloody military action stands at just 241, but L.A.D Amnesty International estimates that over 1,000 protesters could have died. Darwin was also The court’s legal advisor said that PUMP IT UP... Cindies a health nut and June 4th would be a “sensitive date”. FORKED OUT for extra But local police are unaware of any vegetables at college SECURITY CONCERNS that could Pumps now meals. arise from the trial. Other optional items “No security issues have been sold at Cindies apparently included highlighted to police,” a spokesperson PIES and CHEESE. for Cambridgeshire police said. By RODNEY CASSOCK These discoveries will Mr Jahnke has already written Stiletto clad tottie can now re- be a boon for the Cam- a letter of apology to the Chinese lax with the knowledge that they bridge 800th aniversary government for his actions. In it, he won’t have to hobble home after a campaign. reportedly APOLOGISED for failing night out on the razz in Cambridge Plan’s for an honor- to show the respect and courtesy the after popular night-spot Ballare ary statue in the smok- prime minister deserved. (aka Cindies) installed a vending ing area of Cindies re- China condemned the protest as machine selling roll-up ballet pump main unconfi rmed. “despicable”. SHOED... Wen Jiabao style shoes. Lash-Hound Mister Mystic: Your Horoscope predictions... The ‘Rollasole’ units stock six pairs of shoes in a range of colours and ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 20 LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 23 SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 23 – DECEMBER 21 Watch out for good looks and As Mercury enters the orbit of A trip across the pond could result sizes, each costing £5. Party-crazy bad books in the UL this week. Uranus, the stars foretell new in fi reworks. Be sure to act before lash-hound Jenny, a second year Avoid the West Room. friendship based on mutual you think, and don’t be afraid of Historian at John’s, said “that’s desperation. Lucky zoo: Bristol. men who look like spiders. brilliant. I won’t have to wake up wondering why I have blood on TAURUS APRIL 21 – MAY21 VIRGO AUGUST 24 – SEPTEMBER 22 CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 20 my feet anymore!” Expect a birthday surprise, with As Pluto enters the cycle of New fl ame? Take them to Bella potentially sexy consequences. Uranus, you will be susceptible to Italia and order the fi sh fi ngers; Disgruntled Lucky frog: Tyler’s tree frog. seduction and develop a craving Saturn will do the rest. Beware of for tofu. falling down the toilet. Jamie, a disgruntled boyfriend to stilettoed stunner Stacey com- GEMINI MAY 22 – JUNE 21 LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23 AQUARIUS JANUARY 21 – FEBUARY 18 mented, “It’s great. I won’t have to You may need some TLC this As Uranus enters Uranus, your Reading Varsity this week may bring carry Stace home anymore, which week after bad exam news. Also: sense of humour will become heightened sexual potency. Venus used to be fi ne until she started beware Dawn French. more puerile, perhaps leading to advises a fashion makeover, but chucking-up all down my back.” love. Jupiter thinks you’re fi ne as you are.

CANCER JUNE 22 – JULY 22 SCORPIO OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 22 PISCES FEBUARY 19 – MARCH 20 You have cancer. Get it checked Relationship drama is just round You may fi nd yourself alone in a WHAT’S ANGRY out. the corner: watch out, it’s got a gun! punt with that special someone, GEORGE Lucky rapper: Chamillionaire. but tread carefully – they have herpes. Lucky roast: lamb. THINKING? Friday, April 24, 2009 VARSITY 3

NEWS IN BRIEFS RACHEL is angry that the University is refusing to re- lease documents from the Law Fac- ulty occupation, despite Varsity’s Eyesore Freedom of Infor- mation demands. Rachel said: “What are they trying to hide?” outrage at St John’s By LIZZY TYLER want to preserve that?” one angry sec- ond year student asked. The Cripps building of St  e 60s shitstack has been given Johns was at the cen- Grade II* listed status, which means it

from Homerton tre of scandal this week, is a “particularly important building of sparking outrage within more than special interest” that must be the elite University city. “celebrated as having exceptional archi- In a new and shocking move, tectural or historic special interest”. the abomination was listed by Most listed buildings are much old- the English Heritage, usually a er than the Cripps Court site, which move aimed at preserving Brit- means that it must have been seen as 20 , ain’s architectural and cultural ‘outstanding’ for its age. It doesn’t seem ancestry. to be all that di erent from other Cam- Built in 1960s by famous architects bridge eyesores such as Queen’s Cripps Powell and Moya, the building is said Court. Could that be next on the list? to be “an outstanding post war build- ing, beautifully composed and con- PORRIDGE structed”. Like most 60s crazes, such as lava Catherine Cro , Director of  e lamps and the infamous “prawn cock- Twentieth Century Society, said the tail”, the Cripps building is seen by most CONTROVERSIAL building had “a students as out of date and a bit rough. picturesque quality which demon- It sits between two Grade I listed build- strates a very humane and romantic ings, and although it was praised for its side of modernism”. “boldly modern approach” by Roger Bowdler, of English Heritage, you’ve

Rachel , RAGE got to wonder what is going on when  e majority of students – in fact an- a 1960s concrete block is given Grade yone with any sanity – failed to see the II* listed status. Next thing you know ‘romantic’ side of this monstrous grey the Gra on Centre will be a world her- and, frankly, ugly building. “It looks itage site or better the eighth like a Russian prison, why would you Wonder of the World. Angry George He says what we’re all thinking

It is often said that what the Luftwaffe failed to do to British architecture during the Second World War, town planners fi nished off in the 1960s. Where the fi rebombs of Heinkel He 111s failed, the concrete of soulless architectural philistines up and down the country succeeded. In Cambridge we may have been lucky with regard to the indifference of Goering’s squadrons, but the same cannot be said of the missionary zeal of the foot-soldiers of Le Corbusier, who were allowed to desecrate our idyllic vista with several acts of modernist structural vandalism. Incandescent As if the existence of these carbuncles on the delicate complexion of Cambridge were not enough of an insult to our aesthetic sensibilities, it now turns out that one of them has been listed as a Grade Two building. Its like giving Ben Affl eck and Oscar. I speak, of course, of the Cripps building of St John’s College, a construction that hangs limply from the beautiful torso of the College like a gangrenous limb in desperate need of emergency amputation. It is a classic example of the mysterious love of Warsaw Pact brutalism that inexplicably engulfed British architecture during the 1960s. It would not look out of place in the middle of Ceausescu’s Bucharest. Building it in the heart of one of the most architecturally sublime towns in England was analogous to dumping a multi- storey car-park in the middle of the Garden of Eden – and now this gross act of artistic vandalism is to be offi cially sanctioned, even rewarded. Sickening To celebrate an example of this travesty is not only a symbolic Text VARSITY: WOOF WOOF to 60300 victory for the barbarism of the modern architectural orthodoxy, it will also deny recognition and protection to genuinely beautiful if you want to begin a text conversation with buildings, from the resplendent majesty of our Baroque erections to the solemn austerity of our plentiful Victoriana. May eternal a man in Penge pretending to be Rachel. shame be poured on the dullards responsible. George Owers 4 VARSITY Friday, April 24, 2009 say NAKED EPIDEMIC SWINGS THROUGH CAMBRIDGE CAM Returns! Street let me hold your bag for you.

Thanks, you’re an angel! NAKED Inside the ul…

I’m really en- joying reading about Fertility in 17th century East Anglia. Yes, isn’t it riveting.

I hope he BRASH... late for lectures doesn’t make a habit of that!

I just did a timed essay, but I finished off too early.

DIGNIFIED... a broadsheet I’ve been so CHEEKY... ball baring distracted! I haven’t got any work done today. Nudists spotted naked in brazen display of their nads

By ALBERT ROPE one could question their purpose. However, many have been questioning the Shock has been reverberating round the OUTRAGE scale of the reac- refi ned and well mannered Cambridge, Possible reasons for this spontaneous tion. One Cambridge shedding of clothing include the unsea- student we talked which has been shaken to the core by a sonably warm weather, unstable behav- fl urry of fl esh and blurred bodies. to remains unim- iour due to exam stress, or perhaps a cul- pressed, and was Reports have been circulating of ture shift in favour of a more continental a Naked Epidemic sweeping the unsure whether attitude towards nudity. a few chaps with sleepy University town. “This is deeply suspicious,” observed Undergraduates have been seen in no clothes on re- a second year Trinity student. “I believe ally constitutes an Me neither. the early hours cycling to their lecture these failing students are trying to bring Why don’t we rooms wearing literally nothing. Two epidemic. “It’s others down with them with their un- just a load of stick around merry nudists have even been photo- necessary distractions.” for some late graphed leaning against a railing outside bollocks really,” night study? one particular faculty building. BOLLOCKS he claimed. Behaviour once limited to showers, MENACING baths and boudoirs has not been wel- The reason for the sudden outburst of comed by this East Anglian town. One barefaced bareness remains unknown. passer-by offered his own sage advice. “If By Rob Peal, Starring Brooke This group of sketchy, menacing nudists you want to take off your clothes, fi nd sadler and Max Stechman peeled off down an alleyway before any- somewhere else to do it!” CHILLING... Friday, April 24, 2009 VARSITY 5 EXCLUSIVE CAITLIN MORAN SPILLS ALL

by TASH LENNARD a three-bedroom council fl at in cations. I fi gured it was become a Celeb Editor Wolverhampton, “which, in case writer, or I’d have to be a check- Caitlin Moran, columnist and you didn’t know, is a bad place, out girl at Somerfi eld. Or a prosti- ‘celeb-watcher’ for the Times is a where all the bad things happen”. tute.” After a “ludicrously jammy force of nature. She even has white From the age of eleven Caitlin sequence of events”, Moran now stripes in her mane of black hair, was home-schooled. She claims writes a permanent column for like Halle Berry as Storm in X-men. there is a simple explanation for the Times. “The thing that I do,” she her unconventional education: PEARLS tells me, “is write about the “Given that there were eight of most inconsequential things us, our parents clearly decided Caitlin condenses the rest of her on the planet”. The topics that they could not be shitted to pearls of wisdom into the follow- she goes on to talk about, sort out eight clean pairs of socks ing: If you’re ever interviewing however, totally belie her and eight clean pairs of pants for a celebrity in their home, always claim to inconsequential- fi ve days a week.” check out their loo – “you’ll learn ity: Jade’s last days; Michael Caitlin describes her parents more about them from their toilet Jackson’s comeback; and as “spectacularly lacklustre” her than from an hour of conversa- Russell Brand’s sexual pen- ‘school days’ mainly consisting of tion”. Also, if you’re writing an watching Hello Dolly and drink- article and struggling for a con- chants. ing undiluted Ribena. “But we cluding paragraph, copy and paste MENTALISTS did have a houseful of books, and your second paragraph into the so we read a lot”. When it comes conclusion - “I think you’ll fi nd it When it comes to writing about to being a writer, Caitlin notes infallible”. famous people, Moran admits that that it is helpful to read a lot. She weird fans often provide the most refuses, however, to give “advice” EGG SEX fruitful material. So she was disap- about becoming a writer: “Advice pointed when attending the an- is annoying when you’re a young nouncement of Michael Jackson’s person. It’s annoying when you’re comeback performances, to be met an old person. It’s by 7,000 seemingly normal people. just annoying”. “You usually know when you’re For Cait- around people with nutty fans: lin, writing very, very fat people from Belgium seemed like turn up, who are crying as soon as the only op- they step off the tube. tion: “I had no “But there were no fat crying qualifi - Luckily, talking to Caitlin has Belgians at Michael Jackson’s not left me struggling to fill a press conference, although concluding paragraph. “Have I there was one bloke who’d talked too much or do I have fl own over from Cyprus who, time for a celebrity sex story?” Alan Partridge style, had had she asks the audience. When Michael Jackson’s face tat- is there ever not time for a ce- tooed across his torso. One lebrity sex story, I wonder? So of his nipples was Michael Caitlin asks for another glass of Jackson’s pupil”. wine and tells us a story about Moran summarises her Russell Brand asking a friend role writing about the most of hers, and sexual conquest of inconsequential things on his, to insert Cadbury’s Mini- the planet: “Basically, I go Eggs up her bum and re-deposit and look at weird people and them on his chest. write sarcastic things about Caitlin recounts this salacious it”. How she started in that of story with adorable candour. job is a story in itself. Whether her subject matter is considered inconsequential or DEPRIVED not, Caitlin Moran is a joy to Caitlin is the youngest read, and an even greater joy to MORAN ... no moron of eight children, raised in talk to. Branded a DISGRACE old pyromaniac seeks girl. Any girl WOMEN SEEKING acoustic guitars. outdoor lavatory. Seeks Jesus. Smite me on the trashy lady for a hot WAITER AT CURRY GIRTON VET. Friend- a resilient partner. Cross? CAMBRIDGE DATING time. RESTAURANT. MEN ly and outgoing. WLTM FELINE FRIENDLY? DESPERATE. You: SERVICE ROWER, 22. Looking WLTM female Cam- DEVOUT CHRIS- fellow student from It’s not bestiality if it Boy with terrible to perfect early-morn- bridge student who TIAN. Geography in-town college willing makes you purr. Vet hygiene and tendency perfect factor to solve MEN SEEKING ing stroke with my does not dress in slutty student. WLTM fellow to be summoned up student, 21, seeks cat to fart in bed. Me: Not the following equation: oar and rollicks. Coxes uniform outfi ts, scream worshipper for wine, the hill at any time at lover. very discerning. WOMEN me + love = happiness. need not apply. like a banshee and fall dinner and everything night, and still have the GIRL WITH PEARL LIE TO ME, BABY. COMPUTER SCI- ANGRY MAN. Seeks Holder of asleep in her Tikka but. stamina to take me to Look- Klepto seeks compul- ENTIST. Avid gamer calming infl uence. HERMIT. EARRING. an awful secret. Seeks Masala after drinking a KET FIEND. Sparky, heaven and back. ing for necklace. Your sive liar for obsessive - ranked 93rd in the Mustn’t mind eating off companion for ultimate bottle of wine. Are you funny and gorgeous by brush in my paint pot relationship. Send world at Empire: Total plastic cutlery and ad- CHAMPION SHOT- commitment. Must be out there? day. Dribbling, nonsen- WLTM man could be classic. photo of someone else. War. WLTM own Lara ministering sedatives. PUTTER. tight lipped and non- sical maniac by night. with balls that I can Croft to fulfi l Tomb- Passion guaranteed. DASHING ORIEN- BLONDE ENGLISH INTERNET ADDICT. judgemental. TAL STUDIES STU- Seeks steady relation- handle. STUDENT. 20. looking Seeks similar for lolt- Raiding fantasies. DEPRESSED ECON- WORKING CLASS DENT. From Wales. ship with clean man to EXTREMELY SHY for Wonderland. Can I imes and rides on the 6’ 5’’ RUGBY HERO. OMIST. Girton college. From Liverpool. You: Girl of Asian eth- help me through. Searching bring my white Rabbit? rofl coptor. Brb to my WLTM cute, blonde May not have gotten BOY. LAWYER. Looking for blonde nicity (I’m not picky). BORED HOUSE- for a well mannered place lol? No typos. trophy girlfriend to ac- any internships, but FIRST YEAR public school girl. Ni hao ma? WIFE. WLTM hunky asexual. Must like company me to formal in the City of love you UNDERGRADU- MOLECULAR Together, we’ll make gardener to cut back cuddles. Spent last year No sex- dinners and on nights can bet my stock goes FRUSTRATED AES- ATE. BIOLOGIST. class war. Did you the lawn and plant a I saw travelling round South ual urges whatsoever. out. No emotional all the way up. THETE, 20. SEARCHING... WANKY ENGLISH do an Art foundation tree in my border. you at Jesus Lane: East Asia with my best Seeks lab partner. involvement necessary. CORPULENT OCTO- STUDENT. Prepos- course? Seeks artistic IMPLAUSIBLY plaid shirt, scruffy hair, friends Polly and Flo. It Must promise not to GENARIAN DON. terous pretensions, muse to down apple RANDY. WLTM strong skinny jeans. You did was, like, sooo amaz- WOMEN SEEKING laugh at my preposter- WLTM bold nubile un- infl amed ego and good sourz with in Kam- young man with a 10’’ English. Is this specifi c ing. Seeks man who ously small penis. dergrad with platinum WOMEN syntax. Seeking female bar. Kings students tongue who can breath enough? can tolerate my stories. LATIN LOVER. hair, nutcracker legs SOMETIMES I repository for my preferred. through his ears. Caecilius est in horto. and an inexplicable BLONDE FROM THEOLOGY STU- THINK I’M A LES- verse. Hopeless romantic. In Karen Seeks atheist I, however, am in my penchant for dirty old HARD AS THE JOHN’S. DENT. BIAN. Will you let me Prone to wearing a Millen dress. You: boy for sexy role-play. You bedroom with a stiffy. pervs. Interests include LAW STUDENT. ELGIN MARBLES. feel one too? Cunning I’m looking to thrill Herculean Classicist bonnet. Seeks a true in pink shirt at Cindies be Dawkins, I’ll be Seek Classicist for epic cricket, sherry and linguist, 21, Trinity. a mockingbird. Seeks and Rugby Blue WLTM gentleman of impecca- on Tuesday night. Is times. alleyways. Affl ictions similar to discuss court- a Helen of Troy for ble breeding for court- this specifi c enough? ENDEARING SIM- include deafness and room drama. Bacchanalic revelry. ing by day, and bodice PLETON. Very limited gout. CHOIR MEMBER, MEDIEVAL ENG- RAVENOUS CARNI- ripping by night. 20. Seeks partner with conversational skills. EX-CON. WLTM WLM. STUDENT RADI- mellow tones. O Come Seeks partner for un- highly suggestible girl, LISH LITERATURE VORE. Seeks fellow CAL. Law fac. veteran. all ye faithful! complicated pleasures: willing to be my alibi EXPERT. enthusiast for Chau- MEN SEEKING WLTM dreadlocked collecting sticks, chas- for the night of Friday FEMALE ECONO- cerian role play. I’ll be dreamer willing to Looking to ob- ing butterfl ies, poison- 16th. Must be a good MEN MIST. the gallant night, and spend afternoons/ serve the trickle-down ing swans. actress and free to meet HARDCORE SO- you’ll be my maiden evenings overturning effect in action. Groups POSTGRADUATE at Cambridge magis- CIALIST. Seeks Tory fayre. capitalism through of 2 men or more only. ENGINEER. Very shy, trate court next week. boy for fi ery arguments THIRD YEAR the peaceful means HOCKEY GOAL possibly suffering from COME ON BABY. and dirty hate-sex. Is WLTM a of Yoga, slogans and Built like an Aspergers. WLTM the Light my fi re. 19 year MATHMO. that you, John Major? KEEPER. 6 VARSITY Friday, April 24, 2009 Ed Cumming Cumming in your face Crank God I once waited on Jade Goody at the I was under the impression that one Crank, starring Jason Statham loudly I literally sprayed diet coke all over of the things New Labour wanted to  the seats in front. A stripper gets shot in Brit Awards. I incompetently served do was not be like Old Labour. New the breast! Genius! Jason Statham is clear- her three courses — I think the main Labour has been so successful at by MOHAIR STORMS. ly this generation’s Robert De Niro. He’s was lamb. She was very small, and THWARTING Old Tories that the Old manly, masculine and butch all at once; Tories have been trying very hard to Every few years, a fi lm comes along that the kind of gent that pisses Red Bull. very polite, and didn’t eat very much. turn into New Tories. Now they can makes you thank your star reviews that The plot kept me literally on the edge of At her table of executives and big just go back to being Old Tories again you’re a critic, and Crank: High Voltage is my seat from start to fi nish – having gang- bosses she looked completely out of and win the election by a mile. one of them. Imagine packing Jason Stath- sters steal Statham’s heart and replace it place, a tiny girl. People didn’t really The Mirror, of course, reported that am with dynamite and then exploding him with a mechanical one that needs regular notice her until she was pointed out, Brown and Darling were ROBBING the in a room full of WAGs, and fi lming the recharging could have been really dull – rich to feed the poor. This isn’t true. He’s whole thing in slow motion. It must be how like working in Carphone Warehouse – so and then they couldn’t stop looking. really robbing the rich to in a desperate Shakespeare looks to clever people. the producers come through yet again by She’s dead now. attempt to get short-term spending to I thought Crank 1 was impossi- having him juice-up with live electrical ca- When not worrying about remain in power, when he’ll point he ble to top, but I was wronger than bles literally clamped to his tongue. Hon- Saint Jade of Goodyear RIP can continue to rob the rich. a dwarf on Zootube. Crank 2 estly, it’s so balls-to-the-wall amazing that (pboh), recent headlines have As long as government borrowing it makes The Transporter look like Gok’s keeps increasing in hare-brained brings it bigstyle, and Fashion Fix. been dominated by political schemes to prop itself up, it is we, the ramps everything SCANDAL. In a touching future, who will eventually have to up to 11, with REVELATORY reminder of how politicians pay for it. So my personal solution is more cars, guns, This is a true piece of cinema: the cam- face the same problems as the to add to the great British brain drain bombs, babes, era’s always zooming in and out, using common man, Jacqui Smith has by moving to the Caribbean as soon as tattoos and fi sheye lenses, jumping into space and had to deal with her husband’s I’ve secured a middling DESMOND. shattered glass lurching into the ground. The director, addiction to PORNOGRAPHY. than Manches- Mark Neveldine, is like Martin Scors- And frankly, what self-respecting ter on a Satur- ese on crack, like Michael Bay with the man wouldn’t be tempted to bash Rapid day night. gloves off, like Russell Brand from the one out had they the mind-boggling Reducing the speed limit to 50 on waist down. misfortune to be married to Ms Smith? ‘A’ roads? STUPID. People will just MAJESTIC There’s plenty for the la- We can easily avoid these problems drive faster on the motorways. And I literally cried with dies, with Mr Statham in the future: all politicians must be what’s the last thing respectable, joy during the action se- providing a bit of topless men, and all must have independent decent Englishmen want? More cars quences, which brought eye-candy in many means. Gladstone would never on the motorways. to mind the kind of stunts tasteful sex-scenes, have claimed for BASHING his The ‘A’ road is the last preserve of that you always wished and there’s even a considerable bishop, and John Major decent England, where a chap can you could do as a child, sequence where would never have needed to. drive to the pub, eat a quail, drink like smashing an ethnic- some glamorous until his TROUSERS fall down and minority doctor through a and feisty female Tax drive at 124 mph before falling asleep chair using your elbow, or gangsters show in a lay-by. Don’t let the government throwing an ethnic-minor- the boys what I know almost nothing about politics. waste its time and yours on STUPID ity gangster out of moving for! But I’ve read that Gordon Brown has measures like this. limo. In conclusion, raised the upper band of tax to 50%. Crank 2 is also, without a Crank: High HALF. Half is a lot of anything to give to Think about it... doubt, the funniest fi lm of Voltage is like someone, let alone the government. It’s the year. The sight of Chev snorting party basically taking £20 out of a cashpoint Want to come in Ed’s face? Chelios rubbing himself powder off Jes- and given £10 to the man who checks Send your righteous rants to against an old woman to sica Alba’s but- the cashpoint is working ok. [email protected] charge up on static elec- tocks: bloody tricity made me laugh so ELECTRIFING... Jason Statham brilliant.

sometimes seem less exciting, and Dr Divine says, ‘My DoS is a secret its importance can be undermined more easily by new insecurities swinger’ as our minds and bodies change, e most important thing to Bedroom and by the pressures and strains of realize it that it’s not your fault. is Saucy…but swinging can ruin a adult life. Your DoS needs to learn is a problem with the university in relationship, says Dr Divine. to value himself. He needs to know general, and it’s atrocious that it’s blues? that supervising is valuable, that he students like you who have to take Sexual Dear Dr Divine, is valuable, not to be squandered the  ak. Understanding the reasons on someone he does not know very why should help you to deal with setbacks? I’m worried that my DoS has well, or who does not care for him. your feelings. With the economic become interested in swinging, and Leave this letter in his pigeon hole. crisis, its not surprising that colleges I’m struggling to cope with feelings I hope he will learn in time that it’s are allowing bogus Masters to of jealousy and disgust. He’s started always better to stick to his own buy their way in. ese Mickey Agony Aunt to arrive late at our supervisions, college. Show your DoS this letter. Mouse Masters are just a way to and is being distant and moody. bring in some extra cash, now that Dr Divine Whenever I think of him supervising arms dealing is out. It’s a common students from outside college I feel problem, and I’m afraid you’ll just is here to really angry, and I’ve been drinking have to put up with it until the crisis a lot which just makes things worse. ‘My Master li s. help I used to really respect him for his erudite prose in Orgy: Organs in embarrasses me’ Con ict (Cambridge University the moment and all that), but my Press, 1972), but now I think he Dr Divine explains what to do when ‘Is he just using me Horses for courses name’s Adrian. I looked on her just uses academia to justify his an authority gure takes advantage. dressing table (Mason Pearson disturbing addictions. Should I tell for sex?’ Dr Divine says it it can be hard to hairbrush, rosettes, Jo Malone him I know? Dear Dr Divine, work out what is reasonable in the moisturizer, Liberty note cards… Dr Divine tells it like it is. bedroom and what isn’t. my objets fétiches) and saw under Dr Divine says, My Master keeps embarrassing Dear Dr Divine, the photograph of her at the 1999 me in social situations, and it’s really Cheltenham gymkhana that Charlie He needs to know that his getting me down. Sometimes he Dear Dr Divine, Chopps is the name of her pony. I behavior is upsetting you and steals clothes from my room while I’ve always had a bit of a thing for that he needs to change. I feel I’m in the shower and then wears I’ve been involved with my college posh girls, and I’m seeing this girl assumed this was a coincidence until she started making clicking noises for you, because somebody you them to Hall. He thinks it’s funny, but dad since Freshers Week, but it with massive blonde hair who went respected and trusted now seems I’ve had enough of everyone’s jeers. doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I to Stowe and is now in CUCA, at with her tongue when she wants me to, well, go faster…what shall I do? dangerous and frightening. He’s Sometimes he comes round to my don’t want to scare him o by talking John’s, occasional Pitt Club WAG somebody you thought you knew, room when I’ve got friends over and about our future…is he just using me etc. So everything’s perfect really, Dr Divine says… and now you feel you don’t know plays stupid pranks, like de-bagging for sex? except one thing that really worries him anymore. This is not right. people. No one thinks its funny, and me, which is why I’m writing to Don’t worry; this is absolutely He is the same person inside, and it’s really embarrassing because he Dr Divine says, you, Dr Divine. When we’re having is probably struggling to deal doesn’t do it to anyone else, and I sex (or ‘sax’ as she calls it…wow) normal. If a girl pronounces sex, ‘sax’, the chances are she broke her hymen with some very serious problems. don’t understand why he’s picking Almost certainly. she sometimes starts slapping my Expressing his difficulties with this on me. I’m worried about talking to bottom, which she calls my ‘rump’, while riding around Hampshire at a Need your sexual queries particularly fast gallop. Practice your sort of behavior is a cry for help. him about it because I might get sent and calling me ‘Charlie Chopps’. As we get older, supervising can down. Please help. answered? Send questions to Now, I wouldn’t mind (heat of ‘neigh’, and perhaps consider a whip. [email protected] Friday, April 24, 2009 VARSITY 7 THE www.cambridgetab.co.uk COMING MAY WEEK

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Sunday 19th April, photos from Fez and Life. 8 VARSITY Friday, April 24, 2009 SPORT NOT PORN: Varsity THE SPORTSPORT MISSION: HAS LOTS TO DO WITH ATTRACTIVE GIRLS SPACE AND NOTHING [email protected] SPREADING THEIR TO DO WITH SPORT BALLS, BALLS, BALLS AND BATS: LEGS WHILE UP- THANKTHANK YOU NASA IF ITS ROUND, WE’LL KICK IT IF IT’S HARD, WE’LL HIT IT SIDE DOWN TOFFS BEAT TOFFS in Annual TOFF Race on Thames

By JIMMY PICKLES reaching the end an Chiswick because our stroke various banks and accountancy We can only hope that next unremarkable distance man was considering buying firms. year’s race will be equally In an unsurprisingly Toff- ahead of the other. a detached five-bedroom pad pointless with expansive river views and LYCRA dominated event, eight Toffs RICH he wanted a closer look.” One of them, who had and one smaller Toff came Responding to the allegations Clearly the race would have stashed a couple of rolls of that he may have cost his team fifty pound notes in his lycra out on top for the 155th been much quicker if the boats the utterly irrelevant trophy, had engines on them, but this to exaggerate his manhood, is time since 1829. the stroke man simply said, quoted as saying, “I like rowing The tedious display of would give the overprivileged “RAAAAAAAAAAAA.” The oarsmen less time to admire all because other rich people do it, winners were very happy, but but really we’re all just looking what can only be described the lovely houses they own. that may just be because the as rowing yielded familiar One losing toff said: “We had forward to the next recession over-educated twats are now when we’ll be in line for some results, with one team to slow down coming through guaranteed good job offers from properly massive bonuses.” MUPPET...