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picked off the road, and sewn back on. If he didn’t move with such is eyes looked like eggs, with the yolks broken open, with authority, it’d’ve been easy to mistake him as broken. bits of blood pulsing through them. Before he even opened His voice caught me off guard. It was soft, resonant. “What’re HHup his grease stained tennis bag, I knew that there was you looking for?” nothing I’d want to buy from him. He unzipped the bag. Inside, “Foot pegs.” I didn’t have to give him the make and model. He there were ten or fifteen carburetors. Obviously freshly stolen, the knew from the connecting bolt I held out. rubber fuel lines cut raggedly and gas leaking out. “Got ‘em. Don’t haggle with me. You got the cash?” I placed “No. I’m just looking for foot pegs.” the money in his hand. “Man, you could really help me out. Sure you don’t want an “That’s what I like. Cash can’t bounce. Follow me.” upgrade? There’s some nice ones in here.” We weaved through dusty corridors, the halls strategically There were some very expensive pieces of metal, highly mined with Doberman shit. To the untrained eye, the place looked polished, winking at me. I could almost hear the death threats their in shambles. No care was taken to preserve the carpet. Inside-facing previous owners’ bellowed into empty parking lots. windows were smashed out. He bent down, opened a drawer with a “No. I just need foot pegs.” yank, and pulled out two footpegs. “They don’t make these any “Well, you better act quick. These ain’t gonna last.” Eyes more. You’re lucky. This is the last pair I got.” I was relieved. I’d darting, the shaky man walked off. been looking for the pegs for three months. Months earlier, I had made the mistake of purchasing a We talked some more about my troubles and challenges with “complete, I swear” motorcycle in four large milk crates, plus a the bike. Maybe it was because I listened and didn’t brag or trouble rolling frame. I was on a parts hunt. The lady I was dating at the him with money, but I talked to Wendel for about an hour and a time, her brother – well, he wasn’t in the gang, but he knew all the half. He’d been involved with bikes since he’d returned from brothers – was a great mechanic. I wouldn’t have been buzzered Vietnam. He liked them better than most human beings. inside that pentagon of trailer homes, literally welded together so Then he showed me his bike. It was gorgeous. It wasn’t a shiny, there was a large interior area, if it wasn’t for someone else flashy, chrome-heavy lawyer bike, it was a bike you could tell was vouching for me. almost hand-crafted, that every part fit perfectly after years of Truly obscure motorcycle parts, spanning sixty years of refinement. It started on first kick. It blapped to life then purred. production, hung everywhere like big game trophies. Instead of That image of homeless-looking Wendel, an outcast to most of rhino heads, there were Vincent gas tanks, full wheel skirts to society, smiling broadly and propped next to an immaculate bike Indians, stuff I’d only seen in museums and coffee table books. has stuck with me all these years. The man I was there to see looked like one of the bad guys from Make the best thing that you can. Let that thing – be it music, a Mad Max, but in retirement. Sleeves of bled-out tattoos, fingers that motorbike, a magazine, a bookstore – do all the roaring for you. looked like they’d been burned, flash frozen, then etched with And never, ever, apologize of how good it looks and sounds if you grease. His skin looked like leather thrown out the back of a truck, made with your own two hands from the ground up. –Todd AD DEADLINE FOR ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS ISSUE #19 • All ads are black and white. February 1st, 2004 • Make ads the right size and orientation. AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #20 • We don’t reserve ad space. April 1st, 2004 (no joke) • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use solely black ink on all art. Do not output your ad on a EMAIL OR MAIL US bubble jet printer even if it looks black and FOR THE RATES AND DETAILS white. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 LPI AD SIZES (85 line screen). • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we won’t run your • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. ad until we have the cash on hand, so make • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. those arrangements before the ad deadline. • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. • So on, so forth. Yep. • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. Razorcake and razorcake.com are tasered, tamed, and tagged by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin and Felizon Vidad
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Bev Davies is a fabulous photographer from started posing I said, “Okay, that’s it. I got what background and Annabella is wearing some very Vancouver BC, Canada who has amassed an I want” and I left. expensive clothing, right? amazing amount of incredibly cool pictures over Nardwuar: What’s interesting about this photo, Bev Davies: Yeah, it was probably not that the years. All the photos that accompany this Bev, is you can still actually go to The Smilin’ expensive at the time. It’s made by Vivian column were taken by Bev Davies. Buddha and stand in the alley – although the Westwood; it’s part of her “pirate” look. But, club is boarded up – you can still stand in the um, it would be really valuable now and the Nardwuar: Who are you? alley behind and look at graffiti. dancers who she had with her on the stage never Bev Davies: Bev Davies. Bev Davies: Yeah, we did that didn’t we? We made it to the Vancouver concert, so it was nice Nardwuar: Bev, you have some of your photos found one piece of graffiti from The Scissors to see the show over there the way it was meant here today. What are we looking at right now? still there on the wall across the alleyway. to be before we saw it at The Commodore Bev Davies: We’re looking at a really early Nardwuar: Now Bev, you’ve taken quite a few Ballroom in Vancouver. arrangement of D.O.A., with Joe and Randy and photos of D.O.A. over the years and you actual- Nardwuar: What do you remember about the Dave Gregg when he started playing with them, ly ventured with them on a few adventures and performance of Bow Wow Wow that night? and we’re at the back door of The Smilin’ one of the places you went with them was Bev Davies: Well [laughs], I remember going Buddha. England and here we have a photo from England there with D.O.A. and I remember that there was Nardwuar: The legendary Smilin’ Buddha punk that you took. one member of D.O.A. who evidently was quite club in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Bev Davies: Yeah, this is from the Lyceum high on acid, though I didn’t know it at the time Bev Davies: The one and only Smilin’ Buddha. when Annabella from Bow Wow Wow was play- but I heard about it afterwards. People kept com- Now I took an entire roll of this film, only one ing. This is also the same place that D.O.A. ing up to him and saying, “Oh, I love the gear roll of pictures of them, and it took the whole played, one of the places they played while they you have on” and he didn’t know what it meant. roll to get everybody to have a cigarette and were there, and they played with The Anti- He just, like, didn’t know what that expression everybody to light their cigarette and Chuck to Nowhere League and The Dead Kennedys and meant in England. Anyway, it was a good trip take the paper bag that he always carried around D.O.A. over there. I think we were gone twelve days and with all his belongings in it and put it out of the Nardwuar: And in this pic, you see, it’s quite they played several gigs all over the place and NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE 4 picture. And when they finally interesting because there’s some dancers in the this is one of the ones we got into free. Nardwuar: And Annabella of Bow Wow Wow, the street from them and Black Flag came out the general population, which would be, like, of course, has many connections to Adam Ant or with these stickers and handed them out to peo- when he came here he did a live interview with Adam Ant’s band we should say, and here’s a ple at The Whisky and on the street in front of (Vancouver radio station) CFOX because his picture of Adam and his Ants. the Adam Ant show that said “Black Flag Kills music was actually being played on CFOX. If Bev Davies: Yeah, it’s a picture of Adam Ant Ants On Contact.” he’d focused on the punk days with that, they that I took on the first tour when he came to Nardwuar: And speaking of Brits, we have probably wouldn’t have played him in those North America on the Kings of the Wild Frontier another Brit here, Billy Idol, Bev Davies! days. Tour, and this was taken in San Francisco. I went Bev Davies: Yeah, this is a picture of Billy Idol. Nardwuar: And he said some naughty words on to a press conference in San Francisco and then He was a particular favorite of mine at the time. CFOX, didn’t he? went to the concert after that on the same night, He never took, you know… [pauses] What do I Bev Davies: Yes, the silly interviewer that was I think, and it was at the California Hall in San want to say? interviewing him at the time, and I was sitting in Francisco. Nardwuar: Well, you want to say you like the there taking pictures of him, said “Billy, you’ve Nardwuar: And you can see Marco to the left way he smelled. He smelled very interesting! been on tour for eight or nine months now. What JOE STRUMMER
there, right? His guitarist, who’s huge nowa- Bev Davies: [Loud groan] He smelled. I flew to would you attribute your stamina to?” He said, days, was he huge then? Kamloops, BC to see his show in Kamloops “I have sex a lot!” and the interviewer just about NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE Bev Davies: He was pretty mean looking. I hear when he played. He played here at the swallowed his face. Evidently the place to have he was quite nice, but he had this presence on University of BC and went to Kamloops and been at the time was in the program director’s stage like you shouldn’t mess around with him. they let me photograph the entire show in the office. He was jumping on his desk and yelling Adam Ant was very, very, very small. pit, which is what I hadn’t done here. I’d only and screaming going, “You can’t say that on live Nardwuar: And what a getup he had, eh? He done the first three songs and by doing the CFOX radio!” Which, of course, he’d already looked amazing! whole show I started to notice that even though said it. Bev Davies: Yeah, and also you can’t really see I was looking through the camera, and I was Nardwuar: Bev Davies, we have a picture here it in this picture but there’s two drummers. Two zooming, and I couldn’t tell how far away he that you took of Duran Duran, when they entire drum kits set up on the stage and Chuck was, I could still smell his leather pants! They weren’t as popular? Biscuits said to me that night – he was drummer got worse and worse as the show went on. There Bev Davies: Yeah, this is from The Commodore for D.O.A. – that the reason that Adam Ant had was a distinct odor as he came near the edge of and they weren’t a really huge band at that time, two drummers on the stage instead of one was the stage. July 27, 1982. They were playing the same night that they didn’t have him drumming for them. Nardwuar: And there’s a few other Billy Idol as some other groups were playing so I went Nardwuar: Now wasn’t there some special tidbits aren’t there, Bev? Like you told me, he down to the soundcheck in the afternoon and Adam Ant sticker that you were always talking never has anybody in his band who’s taller than took some photographs and noticed that they about, Bev? him, is that true? were drawing. Some of them had this tape out Bev Davies: “Black Flag Kills Ants On Bev Davies: Yeah, that’s true. I think that’s sort and they were measuring, very carefully, this Contact,” that one? of like Prince isn’t it? He doesn’t want anybody strange shape on the floor of The Commodore Nardwuar: Yes! taller. It must be hard for these short men to find Ballroom in masking tape. So I couldn’t resist. Bev Davies: Yeah, I was trying to find that today people who are even shorter than they are. He’s After a while I went over and said, “What is that and I couldn’t find it, but that was from Los quite short. that you’re doing there?” And they had just that Angeles. The next concert date they did after the Nardwuar: Did he talk about any of his day been made the opening act for Blondie on California one, they flew down to Los Angeles “punkisms” when you were with him? the North American tour and that was the and played two nights there. D.O.A. happened to Bev Davies: No, he didn’t talk about that. I amount of stage that they were going to be be playing at The Whisky-A-Go-Go just down think he was trying to sell most of his music to allowed to use for all of their 5 equipment and their whole show. Nardwuar: Who would’ve thought, Duran really early Iron Maiden one, at least with Bruce Nardwuar: And that same night another Duran vs. Girlschool? Dickinson singing. I never saw them before he was the band was playing in Vancouver, British Bev Davies: I know, I know, but you know singer. Columbia, Canada, right Bev Davies? they’re both from England, both in Nardwuar: Yes, I guess I meant this is a low budget Bev Davies: Yeah, Girlschool. We’re look- Vancouver, all of them. Eddie. Like early, low budget, Bruce Dickinson-era ing at a picture of Girlschool now. I particu- Nardwuar: Right now, another British band Iron Maiden. larly like just the concept of them being a and, of course, you didn’t only take pictures Bev Davies: Yeah, I think they were all a little bit low heavy metal all-women’s band. I really like of British bands did you Bev Davies? budget at that time. But they did get larger and larger their music, um… Bev Davies: No, I took a lot of pictures of and larger and everyone waited to see how big Eddie Nardwuar: They had their mic placed the Vancouver bands and a lot of pictures of was going to get. I told you something today that you same way that Lemmy had his mic? other bands. didn’t know about Bruce Dickinson. Bev Davies: Yeah, evidently the lead singer Nardwuar: And this particular picture I just Nardwuar: Yes, please, tell me about that. of Girlschool was Lemmy’s girlfriend. She totally love. It’s a very early Iron Maiden pic Bev Davies: Yeah, I read in the paper that he’s a pilot used the microphone in the same position he and it’s a picture of a miniature Eddie. I love for an airline that flies from England to North Africa did, where it sort of hung down from the it. Please explain this, Bev Davies. on tours and he takes people on their two week vaca- ceiling except there’s no ceiling in The Bev Davies: Well, it seemed to be every time tion or whatever. He’s just a pilot and he comes on the Coliseum. So I was photographing them that I saw Iron Maiden, Eddie got larger and air and says, “I’d like to welcome you aboard. I’m backstage, and mentioned that I’d been down larger. your pilot, Bruce Dickinson,” and then evidently quite to see Duran Duran in the afternoon and they Nardwuar: Eddie is their mascot. often people wander up and say, “Is that the Bruce said “Duran Duran, they’re in town?!” And Bev Davies: Yeah, Eddie. So probably the Dickinson who used to sing for Iron Maiden and he’s they jumped in some car and headed down last time I saw them, they would have a huge in that band?” And he is. there and evidently partied most of the night Eddie. But this is just a guy onstage with an Nardwuar: Here’s another great rock’n’roll band of away in Vancouver with Duran Duran. Eddie mask. So it seems to me that this is a the metal persuasion, Blackie Lawless of WASP. Bev Davies: Yeah, this is amazing. He’s standing there in a lot of leather and things hanging off of him. But I NINA HAGEN think the important thing in this picture is that he was drinking blood out of a skull on the stage. Nardwuar: And you can see the blood dripping down his chin there, and you can also look down and see what I think are buttless chaps. Bev Davies: I can’t imagine that I would have missed photographing the buttless chaps but it does look like that. Nardwuar: And he’s drinking the blood from a skull. Bev Davies: Yeah, and it’s one of those times that black and white, you just have to imagine what it would look like in full color. Nardwuar: Right over here, Bev Davies, we have the complete opposite of Blackie Lawless of WASP. We have Joe Strummer at, where, the US festival? Bev Davies: In San Bernardino, yes. It’s at a backstage press conference that they called – I can’t exactly remember why they called it. They were the headlin- ing band on the first night of the US festival and as you can see not all of them are involved in talking to the media but there are a lot of media out there. Nardwuar: And that was one hell of a gig, wasn’t it? There was Van Halen, there was Motley Crue, and Bev Davies was there right? Bev Davies: Yes I was. I seem to have a pass that said “Ben Davis” from the Georgia Starlight. Now I fig- ured it was just a typo, and it didn’t get me everywhere that I thought I should be able to go. It wasn’t until right near the end that someone said, “I know the Georgia Starlight,” and it evidently was some news- paper in Georgia. Some poor sap probably had a “Bev Davies Georgia Straight” pass on him, and he was being pushed into backstage areas and he didn’t know why he was there to take photographs. I don’t know. Or maybe it was just a typo error that somebody print- ed wrong on the pass. Nardwuar: Did you have any trouble getting back- stage though? Was his pass able to get you backstage? Bev Davies: Backstage was really weird. There was an island that was called Press Island. I called the week- end “Fear and Loathing on Press Island.” It was 120 degrees everywhere and it wasn’t in Vancouver before I flew down, so I wore lots of black and fur-lined boots but it was really, really hot in California. I remember one of the people from The Clash’s crew said to me that the last time they looked there were twenty-three different backstage passes that got you into the back- stage area. I met two guys who had big round gold dots
NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE on their passes. I said, “What are those?” They said, “They get us anywhere we want; they’re all access.” I said “Where did you get those from?” They said, “We drove into San Bernardino and went into a craft store doesn’t quite remember as the manager of Nardwuar: Little Mountain has now turned and bought the dots.” And they got to go anywhere The Young Canadians, but there’s some into The Factory in Vancouver, British they wanted. There was an island with Wozniak on it. proof right there. Columbia, Canada, where The New There was a special viewing area where his family and Bev Davies: Yeah I know, I was listening to Pornographers have recorded. friends from Apple got to sit. There were 400,000 peo- your show when Terry was saying “No, he Bev Davies: Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about ple out in the audience at the height of the “heavy never managed anybody.” He was also them lately. They’ve been doing quite well. metal day” and David Bowie headlined the third night. known as Pino Rogeletti and the IUDs, They were on Late Night with David Nardwuar: And A Flock Of Seagulls also played. Gerry Barad was. He had a band. Letterman or something like that. Bev Davies: Did they? Nardwuar: And that’s why a lot of the Nardwuar: They were indeed. Vancouver Nardwuar: Yes, they did. Vancouver punk bands sounded so great, it kids make good. And right here Bev Davies, Bev Davies: I don’t remember that. I remember U2. was Bob Rock, wasn’t it? I mean, I hate to we have a picture of a Vancouver venue. We Nardwuar: You took a photo of them. give him props, you know now being with saw a Vancouver recording studio there, now Bev Davies: I took a photo of A Flock of Seagulls? the Metallica St. Anger thing, but he really a Vancouver venue. What’s happening here Nardwuar: At the US festival. did a kick-ass job with those Vancouver Bev Davies? Bev Davies: Yeah, I got the t-shirt. I was going to cross punk bands like The Young Canadians, eh? Bev Davies: Killing Joke. Killing Joke out the names of all the bands that didn’t let me photo- Bev Davies: Yep, and The Payola$, and of played the Luv-A-Fair. Now the Luv-A-Fair graph them. But now it’s all drifted away and I don’t course he was in The Payola$ himself. It was was one of those dance clubs that sprung up remember which ones did and which ones didn’t. The a good recording studio that people used and in the mid-’80s and may have even gone Clash were very good in those days. The only band they used it in the off-time – which to bands back earlier into the ‘70s but they played that mattered they’d say. at the time, two and three in the morning dance music, they played recorded music, Nardwuar: Here is a picture of the second best band seemed like the off-time – to these musicians and I refused to go. Not that I can’t dance, I in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada – you might it was the perfect time to be going in there at can dance sometimes, but I would rather almost say the best band from Vancouver, British inexpensive prices. spend the evening seeing the Subhumans Columbia, Canada – The Subhumans. Bev Davies: Yeah, another band that really matters. SUBHUMANS When you were saying the second best band, you were quoting me because of course D.O.A. was my first, best band. There wasn’t a moment when you watched a band like The Subhumans or a band like D.O.A. that it wasn’t total joy watching this band, listening to their music, watching them entertain. Totally entertaining, wonderful musicians. Good songs. It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it, isn’t that what they used to say on American Bandstand? Nardwuar: Do you have any favorite memories of The Subhumans at all? Bev Davies: Just their music. I love their music. There isn’t anyone else who quite sounds like them. Nardwuar: Any particular song? Bev Davies: What was the name of that song they did- n’t write… Nardwuar: “Screwed Up.” Bev Davies: “Screwed Up.” Nardwuar: By Menace. Bev Davies: There we go. Great song by them. And then there was all those ones that XTC said to Steve Macklam (manager of the Pointed Sticks and Diana Krall) , “I don’t know what’s wrong with all the bands in Vancouver but if they really wanted to be famous they wouldn’t do songs like ‘Fuck You’ and ‘Thirteen’ NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE and all those other bands that used obscene words in their songs.” Nardwuar: That’s when you met with some British guys, right? Like some British music execs were say- ing that the Vancouver bands have all these swear words and why are they doing this if they want to be famous? Bev Davies: No, it was the guys from XTC. The band XTC were saying that. They were saying “Why would they (The Subhumans) want to write a song called ‘Slave to My Dick’ if they wanted to be famous? That’s not going to be on The Hit Parade.” But it was on ours when we went to those music things. The Subhumans couldn’t get through a concert without playing “Slave to My Dick.” Nardwuar: And now we have another photo here. What are we seeing in this particular photo, Bev Davies, photographer extraordinaire? Bev Davies: It’s a picture from Little Mountain Sound and we have January 1980 on it. Bob Rock was doing engineering for Art Bergman and Art Bergman was in a band called The K-Tels, which may have had their name changed to The Young Canadians by that date, it seems to me. And the manager Gerry Barad. Nardwuar: Who Terry McBride of Nettwerk Records play or going to a D.O.A. gig or going to any me right away and he asked how I was and what then any place that was well kept wouldn’t let a local bands or going to bands from other parts of was wrong. Then I felt a bit embarrassed by lot of these bands play there, or it wouldn’t be the world and they’re standing up there and drawing attention to myself but went on and well kept. they’re actually playing. And then Killing Joke photographed and got out of there. And then I Nardwuar: So, Bev Davies, just an update, booked at this place and I didn’t have a choice, went to the concert that night and I was sitting what are you doing today? What are you doing I mean I just had to see them. It was a band that down at the side for the opening band and still these days? I never thought would tour to Vancouver and had the nose bleed, sitting with a wad of kleenex Bev Davies: I’m showing you these pho- they were gonna play the Luv-A-Fair that I had going, “When is this gonna end, when is this tographs. never gone to. And so this is a photograph of the gonna end? I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried ice. Nardwuar: And you work across the street inside which I found shocking, with the disco I’ve tried everything,” And then he came out on from that Alien Sex Fiend gig. balls and all the lights and things like that. the stage. I took a deep breath and the nosebleed Bev Davies: Yeah, I work across the street. I Bev Davies: there were concerts that it was a privilege to be at and there were other concerts...
Nardwuar: Where GIRLSCHOOL you'll never get your time back.
Nardwuar: A huge disco ball there? was gone, and then I walked up and took his work for the (British Columbia) Provincial Bev Davies: Gigantic, gigantic disco ball. And photograph. And then later on, after the show Government as a welfare worker. they had flashing lights and all that kind of stuff. one of the people who worked for him came out Nardwuar: But all these photos are catalogued Nardwuar: And Killing Joke put on a good and found me and said, “You know, before he and being displayed. Thank you for spending show too! walked out on the stage you were the last person time with me, Nardwuar The Human Serviette, Bev Davies: They did, they were very good. he talked about.” He said, “I hope that woman and letting us go into your vaults, Bev Davies. They’re Killing Joke. And they mentioned to with the nosebleed is okay and that it’s gone Bev Davies: Thank you, Nardwuar, for the me, they said if you want to, if you really enjoy now.” And I thought that was the moment that I interest. seeing the show you might want to come to took a breath and it was gone. Miracles do hap- Nardwuar: But before we go, a picture of… Iceland and see us with the Icelandic pen. Bev Davies: Nina Hagen. We were looking at Philharmonic Orchestra in two months. I went, Nardwuar: And that kind of symbolizes this and it looks like it’s a backstage photo, not “Oh that’s nice. I don’t think I’ll be going to Captain Beefheart as well, going the extra dis- an onstage photo of her, which it could be. And Iceland,” but I’m sure it was good over there tance. she seems to be holding some sort of fox’s head, with the Icelandic Philharmonic Orchestra. Bev Davies: Yeah. I mean, there were concerts sort of seductively at the front of herself there. Nardwuar: The Luv-A-Fair is now gone, but that it was a privilege to be at and there were What I remember about concerts like this is, the floor of the Luv-A-Fair and the stools of the other concerts… again, it was a joy to be at them. The night Luv-A-Fair are now at the Cobalt Hotel on Main Nardwuar: Where you’ll never get your time before she played, Judas Priest played at the Street, Vancouver, in Vancouver, British back. Coliseum in Vancouver and the people on the Columbia, Canada, Bev. Bev Davies: I never will get that time back, you stage and a lot of people in the audience were Bev Davies: They have a new floor at the know, just before I’m going to pass away when dressed in a lot of black leather, but not a Cobalt? I go, “Excuse me, I spent many, many hours at tremendous number. And then when I walked Nardwuar: Yes they do, the floor from the Luv- concerts where I didn’t like the music, can I into the Commodore, I didn’t get there early, and A-Fair. have that time back?” And they will say, “Nope, the show was going on. The entire audience Bev Davies: Oh wow. I wonder if my feet would not getting it back.” But it was a privilege to be looked like Judas Priest. It looked like the entire stick to it like the old floor at the Cobalt. Soaked at a lot of these concerts. band had cloned themselves and come to the with beer! Nardwuar: Here’s a photo of Alien Sex Fiend. concert as their fans. They were in black leather Nardwuar: Here’s a picture of a man at a venue Bev Davies: Yeah, it’s actually quite an amazing with studs and belts and things like that. in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada with a photograph. I don’t know how long it took them Nardwuar: Well thanks for your time, Bev springed dance floor. It’s… to set up this cobwebby thing behind them there. Davies. Anything you want to add to the people Bev Davies: Captain Beefheart. This is at the What I find interesting now is that I work across out there at all? NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE Commodore. We don’t have a date on this but the road from where this was taken, which is the Bev Davies: No, I don’t think so, other than stay it’s interesting because I photographed Captain old Waterfront Club in Vancouver. I walk by tuned for the next installment. Beefheart at his hotel, at the hotel that’s next to every day on my way to work and think, “I saw Nardwuar: Thanks very much. Keep on rockin’ St. Paul’s Hospital in the afternoon. And I kept bands there. I remember that place. I remember in the free world, and doot doola doot doo… putting off going down there because I had a this concert.” Bev Davies: Click click. nosebleed and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. Finally Nardwuar: Like Black Flag played there, the I thought, “I’m doing it, I’m doing the pho- Minutemen played there. –Nardwuar the Human Serviette tographs of him and I’m doing the concert Bev Davies: The Bill Of Rights played there, tonight and I’m going to go.” So I went down lots of local bands. It was a strange small place For more Nardwuar interviews explore: there and he (Beefheart) was evidently very con- with the dressing rooms down in the basement http://www.nardwuar.com 8 cerned when I came in. He noticed and giant rats. I think it wasn’t well kept. But
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WHEN THE JUDGE ASKS, “DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD?” THERE IS ONLY ONE CORRECT RESPONSE: “NO THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.” INFERIOR COURT the Raytheon buildings north of Imperial. I A few years back I got pulled over after see- received a summons in the mail to appear at ing the Swingin’ Utters at the Whisky. I’d drunk FLYING SAUCERS OVER EL SEGUNDO superior court in the airport courthouse on La an entire bottle of Brennan’s Irish whiskey and Have you driven down the 105 toward the Cienega south of Inglewood and east of El was not thinking too clearly when I left the park- beach and, while passing over La Cienega just Segundo and I suspected I finally had an answer. ing lot and turned left instead of right on Sunset before the freeway turns into Imperial Highway, A few weeks earlier I’d been pulled over in and couldn’t find a decent place to turn around noticed a towering structure with a glass front Inglewood for driving with an expired registra- so I said “fuck it” and decided to go to a bar deep and what looks like a flying saucer parked on the tion sticker on my license plate. The cop had me in the Valley for reasons that aren’t altogether roof? It’s more noticeable at night when the cold on the registration – I’d had my head up my obvious since it was well past one and there was building is illuminated from within and you can ass and didn’t notice my registration was up for no way I was going to make last call. When I got see the stairwells behind the glass like some renewal and I hadn’t received a notice in the to the bar and confronted the folly of my ways, I kind of industrial diorama, and the saucer sports mail. I was going to get a ticket, a fix or repair turned around, got back on the 405, and while antennae with blinking lights so low-flying air- notice if I was lucky. But then there was the mat- attempting to change a tape cassette the flashing craft don’t crash into it. I always wondered what ter of my driver’s license, which was a bit com- red and blue lights lit up the interior of my truck it was. It sits in the no man’s land between the plicated in the sense that I didn’t really have one. like a crime scene, which, in a sense, it was Northrop-Grumman complex off Aviation and I can explain. about to become. The cops gave me the field sobriety test and Johnny of the Swingin’ Utters a breath-a-lizer and after going through the Photo by Dan Monick motions they told me I’d blown a .183 – well over twice the legal limit. They were taking me in.
“GOT NO MONEY, NO CAR, SURE AS HELL AIN’T GOT NO DRIVER’S LICENSE.” I spent the night on a rack in the Van Nuys pokey and in the morning watched one of the Rocky movies and part of a pro football game. (I MONEY remember the Raiders were playing and they were heavy favorites among the drunk tank pop- ulation.) I was released at around 11:00 and I took a cab to my truck, which, amazingly enough, was still sitting on the side of the road and hadn’t been towed. I was late for my date at the bar that afternoon, but I kept the wristband as proof that I’d had a difficult night. Nothing impresses a lady more than a man with sou- venirs from the Van Nuys Municipal Court attached to his body. Long story short: I shelled out a couple grand, lost my court case, but won the battle with the DMV and my license wasn’t suspend- ed, even though I had no California license to suspend. I went to drunk school and did every- thing I needed to do to get my license “reinstat- ed.” By all that’s right and holy the cops should have taken my Arizona license but they didn’t, mainly because I called them “sir” and played the veteran card to the hilt. (If you think this doesn’t make a difference you’re wrong. The way the officer writes up the arrest report means everything to the lawyers.) I’d been driving on an Arizona license ever since I arrived in LA four years prior and never traded it in even though there’s this law that say you’re supposed to get a California license within the first two weeks after you move here. It was a hassle I did- n’t need, so I kept the Arizona license and went 10 on with my life. WHITE BOY INGLEWOOD BLUES their licenses taken away, they’d follow them ably not a good idea to get so calm that you fall Flash forward three years to Crenshaw out of the courthouse parking lot and pull them asleep and start snoring five minutes later. Boulevard around the corner from Dinah’s – the over again on the way home, which is equal • When the judge asks, “Do you have any- home of the best fried chicken in all of Los parts heartless and efficient. I took a cab. thing else to add?” There is only one correct Angeles – on La Cienega where a very angry The airport courthouse is a really nice build- response: “No thank you, your honor.” black cop is seriously pissed off at me because ing (and it better be since it cost $70 million to • If you think there’s a chance you might I’m driving on a suspended license. Before he build). It’s ten-stories high and in spite of all the have violated your parole and you might not be ran my numbers through the system he’d asked reinforced concrete it looks shiny and new. The coming home, don’t bring your three daughters me if he was going to find anything. I told him entrance hallway on the ground floor actually to the courthouse with you, especially when no, of course, and after my 502 popped up he looks like a hall of justice, which is precisely none of them are old enough to drive and will was furious I’d lied to him. What was I supposed what it is. You go through the metal detector and start bawling the second they figure out daddy’s to do? Tell him everything? Do his job for him? take an elevator up to whatever floor you need to not coming home. Suck his dick? He wrote me a ticket and told me go to. The first thing you do is go to the third • If you are put into custody following your he couldn’t pull my car (Pull my car? Who did floor where the information office is located and arrest for shoplifting a CD at Best Buy, be pre- this guy think he was? Easy E?) without issuing consult the dot matrix (!) list that tells you where pared to get laughed at by all the homeboys in a warning. your case is being heard. There are no signs that the gallery, and while you’re retreating into the “So,” he said, and I could see this coming tell you to do this, but it’s pretty easy to distin- shanty of your very public stupidity and shame, like it was a big-ass Snoopy in the Macy’s guish the people who work in the courthouse you might want to re-evaluate the life decisions Thanksgiving Day parade, “consider yourself from those who don’t, and those who have been that led to you actually having to serve time for warned.” there before from those who haven’t. Then you petty theft. This is what Bail Bondsmen are for, “Whatever, dickhead,” I replied telepathi- wait. And wait. And wait. And then you wait you dipshit. cally. some more. Whoever said “the wheels of justice • The public defender chick looked like But Officer Easy wasn’t done with me yet. turn slow” was obviously a Los Angeles County she’d burned out on civil service during the “If I see you on the street,” he snarled, “I’m civil servant. Clinton years, and she was only in her late 20s. going to run you in.” • The busiest of the ADA’s had all the marks You’re probably thinking I’m making this IF YOU GOT BAD NEWS, of an alcoholic: florid face, bloodshot eyes, and up, but I swear every word is true. He had every YOU WANNA KICK THEM BLUES big-ass gut on a pipsqueak legs. right to pull me over. My registration had Around this time I started to freak out a lit- • The food at the cafeteria was the best cafe- expired and the state is hurting for cash. The tle bit. The coffee was wearing off fast. I felt teria food I’ve had since the dining hall on tickets he writes today buys the bullets he’ll really, really tired, but my heartbeat was racing Chicken Filet Thursday at Radford University. need tomorrow. But I couldn’t understand why like crazy. My body was confused by these com- Oven roasted turkey with dressing, gravy and a he was so pissed off at me. Maybe he didn’t like peting sensations – like dropping acid at an emo spinach salad. However, keep in mind that the seeing white people in a mostly black neighbor- show – gearing up for something that wasn’t court breaks for 90 minutes and the strip bar hood. His lines were corny, but his anger was happening. My hands were jittery and my nerves around the corner on Imperial has a pretty unmistakable. Officer Easy must have TiVo-ed a were shot. My body felt overheated, and stayed decent buffet. season’s worth of Starsky & Hutch episodes. I on the verge of breaking into a full-on sweat all thanked him for his time (“Did I mention I was morning long. I hadn’t eaten in days. I needed a THE BLACK WIDOW OF BELLFLOWER in the service?”) and drove away. bowl of albondigas and a 12-hour nap in the By some quirk of fate, my new friend, pret-
The following week I took care of my regis- worst way. ty in pink, was the first case on the docket after MONEY tration, paid off an old ticket, and got an honest- I faked normalcy by talking with the pretti- lunch. I was slated to go second, so I was sitting to-god California driver’s license after seven est girl in the courthouse. She was petite, well up front trying to look eager and alert, but I was years in the state. The cashier at the Culver City proportioned, and had exotic-looking features also more than a little eager to learn what this Courthouse told me I was good to go and I put that were hard to place. She could have been hot little Latina from Bellflower had done to end the incident behind me. Then I got the summons. from Fiji or South Gate. It was hard to tell. She up in superior court. I guessed she bounced a I had to go see the man. wore a tight pink sweater and a white blouse check at a nail salon or something to that effect with oversized cuffs and collar. She was easily and waited to hear the charge. THE WHEEL IN THE SKY KEEPS ON the best-dressed person waiting to get inside the “Assault with a firearm.” TURNING; THE WHEELS OF JUSTICE courtroom. She seemed really nervous and was I couldn’t believe my ears. Even the home- DO NOT. grateful for the small talk. I felt bad that she had boys in the back were stunned. If you’re thinking about spending the day in to stand in this hallway filled with bad, shiftless My session with the ADA was short and court after you’ve spent the better part of four men. When the bailiff opened the door, we sweet. She was so grateful that I had my shit days doing things you ought not to be doing and wished each other good luck and went inside. together and had actually renewed my registra- not getting any sleep while doing them, my The courthouse was pretty much what I tion, procured a license and managed to remem- advice to you is this: don’t. expected, but I was surprised by the number of ber to bring both pieces of paperwork to the The court date was on a Tuesday that coin- desks set up between the judge’s bench and the courthouse that she knocked my driving on a cided with a trip to Vegas I’d planned. Instead of gallery where the alleged fuck-ups sat. The suspended license charge down to driving with- taking two days off, I took three. I worried about bailiff sat on the right side of the room; the out a valid license. (It’s still a misdemeanor, not the wisdom of scheduling a visit to the judge Spanish language facilitator sat on the left. Up an infraction, but a less costly one.) My time after what was shaping up to be a binge weekend front was the woman who processed public before the judge was a matter of course. (Yes, in Vegas with a bunch of desperate married guys defender requests, and to the right assistant dis- your honor. No, your honor. Three bags full, from Virginia, but I was confident my trip to the trict attorneys sorted through stacks of cases. To your honor.) airport courthouse would be a matter of showing the left there is a gallery window where the peo- I went to the clerk and stood in line to pay some flunky my license and I’d be on my way. I ple in custody get to sit when their case is being my fee. After another 45-minute wait I was on was wrong. heard. my way. I called a cab and waited outside. The I can’t really say I woke up Tuesday morn- For some reason my paperwork got mixed in Black Widow of Bellflower exited the court- ing feeling my best. I’m not even sure I can say with the cases in the public defender file, and house. The first thing she did was remove the I woke up. After crashing on the plane ride back because I didn’t figure this out until it was clip that kept her hair in a tight, perfect ponytail, to LA Monday night, I was feeling pretty jacked almost lunchtime, I spent the entire morning ses- and he hair came down in a black, silky wave. up and alert. I tried to sleep, but it didn’t come sion doing nothing but watching and waiting. She looked over and smiled at me. It took a sur- until around 3:30 or 4:00 and I woke up every prisingly long time for me to come to my sens- twenty minutes or so, convinced I’d overslept. I SOME OBSERVATIONS ABOUT SUPERI- es: there is no such thing as a piece of ass worth gave up around 5:00 and walked to AM/PM to OR COURT AND THE PEOPLE WHO getting shot for. I punched a few buttons on my get a paper and some coffee. INHABIT IT cell, and pretended to talk on the phone. A few weeks earlier I’d read about how the • If you’re going to get really angry at the –Money LAPD were organizing stings so that when peo- bailiff, to the point of raising your voice so that ple who showed up for court in their cars and got the judge has to tell you to calm down, it’s prob- 11 LLEE AA DD DD EE AATT NN ST IITT GG II’’MM AAGGAAIINNST SSII E DDE
May 13, 1978, Jimmy Buffett: Fuck "Margaritaville." Fuck "parrotheads."
“Live from New York – it’s Saturday night!” to take their place. explanation for this “artist” need be, I’m sending This opening line from one of America’s funni- May 13, 1978, Jimmy Buffett: Fuck over a rabid pack of winged monkeys straight to est sketch comedy shows quickly became famil- “Margaritaville.” Fuck “parrotheads.” Give me where you live, and I’ll tell you, they’ve been iar with me growing up as a kid in the ‘70s, as it Jonathan Richman, with or without his Modern plenty unemployed and pissed since their Wizard did for millions of other viewers after it first hit Lovers. of Oz gig. Don’t make me unleash this ugly pri- televisions nationwide in 1975. If I was able to November 11, 1978 and April 12, 1980, The mate fury, okay? The dude they should’ve had keep my eyes open late enough during those Grateful Dead: If I have to explain this one to singing to keep the studio audience from dozing Saturday nights of TV years past, I’d always any of you reading this, this world of ours is in off to Bolton’s grunting and wheezing? The keep my fingers crossed in hopes that Saturday more trouble than I expected. The remedy, Godfather, aka, Iggy Pop, thank you very much. Night Live would show a new episode of “The besides an insane barrage of bullets? The Dead Not only would there be no dozing off, but folks Mr. Bill Show.” Some of you might remember Boys would’ve filled in the void quite nicely, in the audience would be ready to kick some ass Mr. Bill – that little colorful man made of Play- especially since SNL cast member John Belushi after taking in a set of the Igster. Doh who’d get killed every which way possible was a pal and fan of the ‘Boys. Belushi even sat October 10, 1992, Spin Doctors: No. Bad. at the end of each episode, either by Mr. Hand, in on drums when the Dead Boys had the Blitz Very bad, not to mention wrong. To paraphrase Sluggo, or sometimes both. Mr. Bill’s dog, Spot, Benefit at CBGB (hospital bill fund-raiser for Rodney Dangerfield from his film, Easy Money: would always get his inevitable share of vio- Dead Boy drummer Johnny Blitz who had got- “Hey, Spin Doctors, why don’t you and the Dave lence, too. ten stabbed up rather severely). Matthews Band put your heads together and Anyway, besides my yearning to see Mr. Bill December 20, 1980, The Pirates of make an ass outta yourself?” The Sit ‘N Spins on SNL, I’d always hope in vain that my child- Penzance: What in the name of spandexed should’ve been replaced with Dramarama, one hood r’n’r gods, KISS, would be the musical smanliness was that? If people wanted a of the few truly original rock and roll bands that guests to perform on the show, too. Week after Broadway show, they could’ve taken one in the ‘80s ever produced, period, god bless ‘em. week, years later and to this very day, KISS has minutes away from the NBC studios at any one January 15, 1994, Counting Crows: See yet to be introduced to rock the NBC studios of the great performing theatres NYC has to above Spin Doctors explanation, and if the same audience in NYC where SNL has been filmed for offer. The Pirates of Penzance – shit the bed! physical science will allow it, then the first some twenty-eight years now, which is kinda Who booked that particular episode of SNL? three-headed ass will exist in this world. The strange being that KISS hails from the big apple, Lorne Michaels (SNL head honcho) – if you right line-up who could’ve usurped Count My as well. I’ve always remembered this as a kid happen to be reading this by some remote Cornrows? Big Drill Car would’ve done the job growing up with that show. And lately, it’s chance, please get in touch or email me to reas- and then some, my friends. And the dreadlocked caused quite a bit of thinking on my part of sure my feelings that someone got slapped bassist who played in BDC (Bob Thomson) who’s been a musical guest on SNL and which and/or kicked for booking that whopper (read: more than proved that he could get his rock on musical guests have never been given the oppor- boner) of a musical guest. You could’ve had the like a supernatural s.o.b. on the four-stringed tunity to covet a slice of this late night Saturday debut year of one of England’s finest on that mofo, unlike the singer from the Cornrows who DESIGNATED DALE tradition. After digging around a bit, I stumbled episode, The Psychedelic Furs. would stand and flail his nappy dreadnubs all upon the complete list of hosts and musical November 12, 1983, Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo around like Corky from Life Goes On about to guests on the official SNL site (http://www.sat- and Lindsey Buckingham: If there’s anything go on his first date. What a smanhandler. urday-night-live.com/snl/guestsbyseason.html more vomit-inducing than ipecac or Fleetwood February 19, 1994, Crash Test Dummies: for those of you who want to fully check it out). Mac, it’s a “project” involving two of the band’s Maybe they really should’ve used these dum- Not to my surprise, the outnumbered buoys of former members. The cure for this strain of nau- mies in a real crash test, ‘cause it would have shining rock and roll justice are bobbing sea should’ve been X. At least they know how to offered up way overdue space for God’s gift to amongst the schools of shitfish squirming rock an acoustic number the right way when rock and roll down San Diego way (that’s right through the stink-ridden sea that’s splattered all called upon. And even though Exene can be – you heard me), Rocket From The Crypt. over this list of musical guests. catty onstage at times, I’m betting dollars to April 16, 1994, Pearl Jam: This one is in a Hint alert. Do you get the feeling that I’m donuts that she’d take Stevie Nicks down in an disgrace category all by itself, and I’ll tell you not too fucking keen on this list? Hot dog, we alley brawl. why. SNL was and still is filmed in NYC. And have a wiener. Yeah, I’m not backing a lot of the November 5, 1988 and December 8, 1990, NYC was home to one of the greatest rock’n’roll choices of “musical guests” that SNL has show- Edie Brickell & New Bohemians: Who in their bands to ever make such a huge impression on cased over the years. And I’d like to share some right mind decided on Pee-Pee Trickle as a their imitators to follow – the Ramones. To this of the choices that have caused my AFS to sub- music guest? Wavy Fucking Gravy? And up his day, I’m still scratching my head as to why the stantially flare up upon discovery of this list. hippy ass, too, by the way. The counter-attack to Ramones never got the invite to be a musical Incidentally, AFS, or Art Fuentes Syndrome, is a this terrible travesty should’ve been handed to guest. They’ve always seemed like the natural rare medical condition that causes one to break The Plasmatics or even Wendy O. Williams. choice to me, and I’m sure that I’m not the only out in punches when confronted with very When was the last time you saw Pee-Pee crash a one who feels this way. Fucking injustice, pure unpleasant entertainment situations, especially bus, smash a television, or chainsaw a guitar at and simple. Explanations, anyone? music. AFS is believed to have bred itself into one of her love-ins? That’s right. You didn’t. April 15, 1995, April 20, 1996, and February existence somewhere in the Southern California And Wendy rocked the hell out her audiences 24, 2001, Dave Matthews Band: As homeboy area over the last thirty years or so. Anyhow, while Pee-Pee performs nothing short of a Mark Pananides up in Santa Barbara once said: what follows are some of the biggest culprits Quaalude squared. Yawn. “Will somebody please do something about the who’re aggravating my AFS as well as which April 20, 1991, Michael Bolton: As with the Dave Matthews Band?” The band who musical guests should’ve been on Grateful Dead, this one’s a definite no-brainer. If should’ve been the guest and could’ve done 12 something about this was Motorhead. But, like 1996, Bush: With abominations like Bush drag- SNL stage and prepare to get yer rock on. This the Ramones, it’s too obvious a choice to get ging the name of rock through the mud, no one one was a terrible oversight – should’ve made it some quality musical guests on your show. Need in their right mind at that show could’ve thought happen. I go on about the r’n’r greatness that is to get D Generation on to wow the audience? December 6, 1997, Metallica: This one is Motorhead? I thought so. The power of rock compels you! For shame. rather sad, because they would’ve been their September 30, 1995, Blues Traveler: Blues January 20, 1996, Tori Amos: Did anyone own best replacement on the show had it been a Traveler? Why not have just booked the real then or now really care what Tearing Anus has to SNL episode from the years of Metallica’s first deal, Canned Heat? Oh, shit, sorry. Canned Heat warble about? Exactly. The whiplashing power- three records. Better late than never? Not in this had split up many years back. I forgot that this chords of L7 would’ve proved a beautiful thing case. And Lars Ulrich still needs to shut his was 1995 and that Blues Traveler was trying to this particular episode. fucking mouth (two words, Lars – Dave fly low under the radar and re-introduce ‘em as April 13, 1996, Rage Against The Machine: Lombardo. Now sit down). themselves. My bad. Go rage against your mom, cuz this ain’t metal. December 13, 1997, Hanson: Don’t even October 28, 1995 and October 24, 1998, And this just ain’t right. The only metal outfit make me go here. Your buddy’s bar band stuck Alanis Morrisette: No – anyone but this foo-foo (and I use the term “metal” here to the truest, in the ‘70s would’ve been an even better fitting popstar who alla sudden is a “pissed-off womyn purest form, unlike what’s classified as metal slot replacement for this offering of ass. rocker.” Joan Jett would’ve filled this guest slot these days) who is more than justified to take the March 14, 1998 and May 15, 1999, perfectly ‘cause she has and always will rock SNL stage is Slayer, and I’d really like to know Backstreet Boys: I had always thought that SNL your cock off (don’t care if you’re female, she’ll as to why Slayer hasn’t been offered the guest was geared toward the adult market. When did it find a way to do it). Alanis Whoresette – what slot on SNL yet. Like I said, this just ain’t right. fucking turn into Tiger Beat Magazine? the hell were they thinking?! April 12, 1997, Spice Girls: Put instruments Should’ve brought in The Candy Snatchers. December 16, 1995 and November 23, in front of these Spice Girls and prepare to be Pure, undiluted power onstage and these boys disappointed. But put The Lunachicks up on the bleed for their love of r’n’r. The Snatchers ILLUSTRATION BY ROB RUELAS DESIGNATED DALE would’ve made more funny characters in the kitty. Wrong. Very wrong. to book a band that tries in vain to resemble the skits, as well, not to mention showing the regu- November 17, 2001, Creed: Why do people early ‘80s Social Distortion, then maybe you lar cast members what real partying is all about. do stupid things? Like book piles of ass like this should’ve booked Social Distortion, not that the January 8, 2000, Blink 182: If SNL wanted to perform on SNL? Makes no sense to me. Good Harlots even have 1/1000th of talent that to get it right on this particular episode, all they What does make sense is booking one of the Social D possess anyway, ‘cause they most cer- had to do was pick up the phone and call the best original bands to come along in years, tainly do not and never will. I’m not ruling out Descendents. Milo would’ve been more than Throw Rag, and they would’ve knocked the that if the Good Harlots and Ataris put their happy to rally up with the troops once more to NBC studio’s socks off had they got the slot heads together, we’d have yet another ass. ass-out the stubborn shit stain in everyone’s instead of the ass-assity-assness that is Creed. Now, in all fairness, I have to say that SNL
ears that is Blink 182. January 19, 2002, The Strokes: Good gawd! has had some pretty damn good musical guests DESIGNATED DALE March 11, 2000, ‘N Sync: See above expla- ? How dare you having an act like The Pickle over the years, some that have even been on
Hanson: Don't even make me go here. Your buddy's bar band stuck in the '70s would've been an even better fitting slot replacement for this offering of ass. nation of the Backseat Boys, but insert musical Strokers on when a band such as The Hives more than a couple of times. Some of my per- guest The Lazy Cowgirls, a band that has more beats them down to ground with a brick, musi- sonal faves: Elvis Costello and the Attractions than earned itself a spot on that show. Here’s cally speaking. And The Hives would more than (Costello has also been on solo), The Kinks, hoping they won’t go unnoticed and land them- likely whip the Sausage Strokers’ asses in a Devo, Talking Heads, Blondie (also appeared selves a slot. gang fight, as well. solo as Debbie Harry), David Bowie, The March 10, 2001, Don Henley: Anything April 6, 2002, Jimmy Eat World: This one Specials, Cheap Trick, Fear (who’d been caught remotely linked to The Eagles gets fired on the is almost too embarrassing to talk about. Jimmy on occasion partying with pal John Belushi), spot (with exception to Joe Walsh’s track, “In Eat World. Eat this, fuckers. How in the hell can The Clash, Stray Cats, Madness, The Cult, The the City”, only because it was used in the 1979 a show like SNL pour this ass chowder into the Replacements (Paul Westerberg also appeared film, The Warriors). Don Henley was in The homes of millions of viewers when they solo seven years later), Los Lobos, The Pogues, Eagles, so according to the Torrez, he’s fired. could’ve had the nutritious, power-packed rock Rollins Band, and Beck. With any bit of luck, I Shane MacGowan (famed leader of The stylings of the Dillinger Four rumbling televi- can only hope as I did when I was a Mr. Bill- Pogues) should’ve bumped Don Smanley from sion sets across the nation? It boggles the mind, jonesing kid that my list of personal faves will the guest slot this episode. I tell you. grow with the seasons of SNL to come. I ain’t April 7, 2001, Coldplay: You know that February 8, 2003, The Dixie Chicks: The gonna hold my breath, though, that’s for sure. things are terribly off-center in this world when word “sickening” isn’t even a fitting description I’m Against It. a “band” like Coldplaywithyourselves get a for this musical mishap. There were two simple –Designated Dale SNL slot when an outstanding group such as words to replace this disgrace – Johnny Cash [email protected] Toys That Kill continue to get cat litter kicked (R.I.P.). No explanation needed for that one. in their faces from the paws of the big corporate April 5, 2003, Good Charlotte: If you want EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR
The Dinghole Reports Yes, I’m home one month early. I highway. Poland’s average car is [Gesundheit! – Dr. S.] By the Rhythm Chicken was really shooting for the full-year more like an indoor go-kart. The (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) vacation, but I guess I had to settle SUV’s and Hummers looked like (Okay, Chicken. You’re the Rhythm [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] for the 11-month one instead. Being giant mutants as they roared past Chicken. Tell us about the home for my mother hen’s full us. We headed straight for the RUCKUS! – F.F.) — Sicnarf and Funyuns are sitting Thanksgiving Day spread had a lit- Bayview Family Restaurant (a.k.a. at their ham radio in Funyuns’ tle to do with it as well. Actually, the Copper Penny, the kitchen of To tell the truth, the only Milwaukee home, gulping Pabst I’ve been stateside for a week now. which once hosted a 3 AM Chicken Chicken gigs in the last year were and trying to tune in the Rhythm Damn, that word sounds pretty gig!). There we thoroughly enjoyed around Mannertag in Germany. I Chicken from Poland when they are lame till you actually use it in prop- a heaping American greasy-spoon never even played a single note in both startled by a loud thunderous er context. So, anyway, I am now plateful of eggs, hash browns, and Poland. In a way, I have utterly knocking at the door.— back in the home nesting area. I sausage, a true down home failed in my mission to bring ruckus believe we pulled off one hell of a American delicacy not to be found to the Poles. I guess you could say (I’ll get that, Doctor. You sit here stunt, the 11-month vacation in in Poland. that I took a vacation from being and keep trying to get the Chicken Poland and other various Eastern the Rhythm Chicken. Even modern in on that radio. – F.F.) Europe odd spots. I myself have [Mr. Chicken, we are still not quite day superheroes need a break now been unemployed for 13 months sure what you’ve been doing in and then. Then again, the ruckus [Sicnarf calling Chicken. Come in now and let me tell you, IT FEELS Poland for the last year. Maybe now had at Mannertag was grand Chicken. Sicnarf calling Chicken. NICE! I would highly recommend you can explain yourself a little bet- enough to sustain my chaos urges
I brought along my bartender Jim as a safety measure. Never travel without your bartender!
Come in Chicken. – Dr. S.] the 13 months of being unemployed ter. – Dr. S.] for a whole year. I guess you could to anyone who can pull it off. say that the whole yearlong stay in {Nanoo-nanoo..... Shaz-bot! – I wanted to move to Poland. I Poland was all just to help facilitate Robin Williams from ham radio!} (Chicken! I can’t believe you’re learned the basics of the Polish lan- the Chicken’s appearance at home! My liver is doing back-flips! guage. I moved to Poland. My Hen Mannertag.
RHYTHM CHICKEN — Just as Funyuns opens the door, I wish I had a red carpet to roll out, came with me. We lived in Krakow, a large LEVETATING EGG hovers but I CAN offer you this Pabst! – Poland for 11 months. Rent and (So you never even gave the Poles into the room! — F.F.) food in Poland is dirt-cheap. one chaotic note of ruckus, even Imagine, if you will, an 11-month after you distributed your warning (What the cluck? I can’t believe it! Pabst accepted! — gulp, gulp, vacation in a foreign land where poster? I think the Chicken is grow- No! It can’t be! – F.F.) gulp, gulp, gulp...... smack, AAAH! you can live for peanuts. Imagine ing old and weak. – F.F.) — THAT’S WISCONSIN!!! having all the free time to catch up [Sicnarf calling Chicken. Come in on all the reading and writing that [Nonetheless, Mr. Chicken, you Orson. – Dr. S.] [Mr. Chicken! Welcome home! usually gets postponed because of surely must have some interesting How was your trip? – Dr. S.] work. We enjoyed 11 months of tales to share. – Dr. S.] — Then the large hovering egg catching up on years of lost sleep! lowers to the floor and...... hatch- Well, it sure was one hellish We would eat a late breakfast and There isn’t too much to tell, es. Two wings rise out of its interi- day of flights and airports. Krakow then walk all over the city taking in really. I’ve been on vacation. The or, each holding a drumstick, to Vienna to Washington DC to all sorts of odd sights, museums, major differences I care to bring up eclipsing a blinding light. — Chicago. Then the drive north and strange street-vendors, centuries- between America and Poland deal the glorious crossing of the state old architecture, decades-old com- mostly with food. One thing I’ll I HAVE RETURNED! I am line into Wisconsin. You know, mie architecture, an endless array really miss is the neighborhood the Rhythm Chicken! Behold my we’ve seen over 50 different castles of oddball items for sale every- produce stands. Fresh potatoes, liver-bruising presence! Drink of all over Eastern Europe, but none where, etc... The old Russian junk beets, carrots, peppers, mushrooms, this Pabst; it is my blood! My for- looked as dazzling and regal as the available at the Polish flea markets onions, parsnips, cabbage, straw- eign assignment is complete! I am Mars Cheese Castle just within the was always interesting! Every two berries, raspberries, leeks, cucum- once again one with Wisconsin! Wisconsin border! or three weeks we would get the bers, etc... all from the friendly lit- Bathe me in beer! Bring me gold, itch to get out of town and travel to tle shack around the corner and frankincense, and myrrh! I will also (So, you say you’ve been back for a the strangest corners of Poland and about one tenth the price of shop- accept Pabst, Blatz, and Schlitz! week. What’s the first thing you did Eastern Europe. We saw Zakopane, ping in America. The one veggie I Present me with the key to the state! when you got back, and what’s up Rzeszow, Lancut, Przemysl, couldn’t get there was sweet pota- Countrymen, lend me your beers! with that egg you rode in on? – F.F.) Ojcow, Wroclaw, Prague, Slovakia, toes. I will also miss my little clos- Budapest, Austria, Dresden, et/kitchen in our cement cubbyhole {Hey, that sounds like MY egg! Oh, this? I stole it from Robin Frohburg, Zamosc, Warsaw, apartment. It had a crappy old Who stole my egg? – R.W.} Williams, or more correctly, Mork. Kazimierz Dolny, Lublin, Malbork, Polish oven (two temp settings: on After arriving in Chicago we had Gdansk, Sopot, Gdynia, Hel, and off!) and stove top, an ancient [(RHYTHM CHICKEN!!! HEY!!! offerings of Pabst thrown down our Cieszyn, Wadowice, Oswiecim, beat up sink, a tiny countertop, and YOU’RE HOME!!! – F.F. & Dr. S.)] throats while being whisked up to Denmark, Norway, and even the crappy old Russian-made Milwaukee’s south side. We mar- Szczebrzeszyn! refrigerator that would only fit out 16 veled at all the huge cars on the in the hallway. It was like cooking while camping. Grocery shopping Heino and lesser-known Freddie few raised eyebrows when I intro- always delivers the ruckus! was another interesting challenge! Quinn! Freddie Quinn is an odd duced him to my Minneapolis There was no brown sugar, but German guy who sings a few friends as my bartender Jim. [I hate to say it, Mr. Chicken, but about 12 different types of flour! cheesy American country-music Priorities! Having a good friend on I’m afraid you’re not exactly deliv- There was no plain yellow French’s folk classics with a German accent. the inside at First Avenue (major ering ruckus-quality reports these salad mustard, but about 20 differ- Oh yeah, it’s that bad (that good!). Minny rock venue) got us special days. I could always submit anoth- ent types of flavored mustard, My favorite discovery from the treatment (free entry and loads of er Dunghole Report to help you out. along with about 10 different types John Peel show would have to be drink tickets!) for an R.L. – Dr. S.] of ketchup (picante, Mexican, the Marked Men, blazing raw rock Burnsides and T Model Ford blues sweet, Italian, etc...). I liked how & roll that’s ruckus-like in nature show. Many of Minneapolis’ older (Face it, Chicken! You’re living in bread was sold unbagged, the loaf and Rhythm Chicken approved! generation rock royalty were out the past! We need new ruckus! sitting on the shelf. There was Other than these exceptions, I was that night. We were more interested Poland has really softened you up. always a knife there so you could quite sheltered from new music for in our drink tickets and the old I’ve heard rumors that the folks at cut yourself a half-loaf if you the year. I spent many hours read- drunken man swearing on stage Razorcake HQ are thinking of wished. Most of the groceries were ing and listening to old Roy Rogers. with his guitar. The second the replacing your column with the basic raw materials, making most This may have caused my mental sold-out show was over I took writings of Gary Coleman. – F.F.) of your home cooking “from instability and questionable advantage of the thick crowds pour- scratch” by necessity. Soon after embracing of the sometimes-formi- ing out the door and set up my stage returning to America, I entered a dable force of “stampede.” Please on the sidewalk outside. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO few American grocery stores and forgive my previous rants dealing I let loose with the rhythm rock OO!!!!!! Listen here, you slick- was almost sickened by how every- with said “stampede.” However, I and my ears swayed violently to the slacks! Your sacrilegious hoosh- thing here is pre-made, pre- do still hold the Fleet Farm ruckus. A crowd instantly formed wash shall be your demise! processed, over-processed, and Calendar as a major resource for around me and my little circus of Beware, America, I am once again RHYTHM CHICKEN
how all the packaging is grossly day-to-day fact-finding and aesthet- chaos. The drunk show-goers among you! I am re-energizing for cutting-edge, flashy, and “in your ic fulfillment. cheered and yelled, fully appreciat- a counter-strike! With my instru- face.” Terminator 3 Spaghetti-O’s, ing the added bonus they were ments of mass ruckus once again at Eminem sugared breakfast cereal, (What’s going on here Chicken? receiving that night. Many were hand I will crush all in my way! I Who Wants to be a Millionaire Fruit You’re sounding, dare I say, dancing around in front of me, will deliver a STAMPEDE OF Juice, Survivor Fruit Roll-Ups, DOMESTICATED! What did while others tossed numerous dol- RUCKUS!!! Microwavable Operation: Iraqi Poland do to you? This is sounding lar bills into my bass drum! I was Freedom Soup Packets, etc... I more like Martha Stuart Living or all caught up in the moment, — The Rhythm Chicken crawls guess these are things an American Better Homes and Gardens! You scorching the corner of First and back into his egg and flies out the wouldn’t really notice as being odd ARE the Rhythm Chicken. These 7th with my cop-escaping shindig. door in disgust! — until you live in a place where the ARE the Dinghole Reports! Now, It wasn’t until later that my limited groceries have names like WHERE’S THE RUCKUS? Please Minneapolis friend Steve informed [Well, Funyuns, he’s back. I just rice, bread, flour, and milk. don’t leave the floor open for me of exactly what happened dur- don’t think he’s the same. Maybe I Wow, I’m sure this is boring another one of Sicnarf’s Dunghole ing my show. I guess there were a should step in next issue? – Dr. S.] everyone to tears. Okay, I’ll cover Reports! – F.F.) few drunkards dancing around, and our punk rock experiences. Krakow there was one homeless-looking (I’d give him one more chance to didn’t have the busiest schedule of [Oh, I’ve got plenty more fellow who kept trying to grab whoop up some new ruckus, other- punk shows. We were able to see Dunghole Reports if you wish... – money out of my bass drum until wise it’s out with the old, my two shows in Krakow the whole Dr. S.] Steve scolded him. Then, a very friend. – F.F.) year. On our first trip to Prague we drunk Grant Hart (Minneapolis saw two shows in two nights (Enon Dinghole Report #33: A Drunken rock legend Hüsker Chicken him- — The ham radio comes to life and Mars Volta). Otherwise, our Dancing Hüsker Chicken! self!) was doing a staggering wild- once again. — only channel for new music was (Rhythm Chicken sighting #way ass drunken dance of approval in John Peel’s weekly show on the back when) front of my kit! I ended up making {Shaz-bot! I want my egg! – R.W.} BBC and the very appreciated CDs about $25 in tips for that night’s 10- that Todd at Razorcake would send About four years ago I was still minute show. Two weeks prior, — Sicnarf and Funyuns flip off the us. The only CDs I’ve actually pur- living in my northern Wisconsin while I was playing on the exact radio and head out to the Cactus chased in the last year were by woodshed and embarked on one of same spot, a member of L7 was Club for some Pabst. — Prague’s local group called the many Twin City Chicken tours. doing a sort of “grind-dance” on Sunshine, a group I would highly I brought along my bartender Jim my bass drum. Be it wooing the –Rhythm Chicken recommend. I also acquired a score as a safety measure. Never travel celebrities or riling up the local [email protected] of CDs by Germany’s favorite without your bartender! It caused a drunks, the Rhythm Chicken www.rhythmchicken.com IINN KK AACC MM ED BBAALLLLOOOONN HH TTHHEE TTWWIISSTTED ICC RRI
SO, EVERYONE HATES CLOWNS, WHO ARE PEOPLE WHO DRESS IN FUNNY COSTUMES TO ENTERTAIN, WHILE EVERYONE LOVES PIRATES, WHO ARE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT CRIMES. PIRATES VS. CLOWNS that a person plays, not a real person.4 of violence, terrorism, or any act of predation Historically, clowns have existed in some form committed for private ends by the crew or the Jef Taylor1 was riding next to me in the in almost every society. Many tribal cultures passengers of a private ship or private aircraft. 2) Critical Mass ride a few Halloweens ago and have the trickster figure, and often the shaman Any act of voluntary participation in the opera- said to me, “You know Rich, your transition has elements of clown. “Pirates are simply an tion of a ship or an aircraft with knowledge of from clown to pirate has been so gradual, I bare- ongoing breed of robbers and killers.”5 And facts making it a pirate ship or aircraft…” Often, ly noticed it until just now.” while some argue about the specifics of the term, piracy is synonymous with stealing or crime in Indeed, I have certainly been dressing up as pirates have existed as long as there have been general (software piracy, pirate radio, etc) while those two icons a lot in recent years, and I have boats. And while they no longer dress as the cos- some uses make it any form of waterborne crime been noticing some interesting things about the tumes inspired by the “golden age of piracy”6 – usually referring to raiding a ship. This defini- nature of people in our society as a result. These suggest, there are still pirates now. “Some sug- tion would thus include Vikings and others as were reiterated this last Halloween, when a lazy gest that piracy and terrorism are terms that pirates (thus putting a damper on Maddy Tight Rich Mackin recycled his pirate costume. I was might as well be merged.”7 Pants’ Razorcake column from a few issues in the company of my special lady friend Mary, Actually, since I opened up the can of back, if I recall it correctly). However, some who was dressed as a clown. Clown and pirate. worms of definition, let’s discuss what piracy is. refer to piracy specifically to sea robbery and Pirate and clown. The reactions were pre- Article 15 of the Geneva Convention (1958) related crimes by those who chose the pirate dictable. Almost everyone would gleefully shout would tell you that “Piracy is 1) Any illegal acts lifestyle and its anarchistic belief system. This “Ahoy!” and “Yarrr!’ or even “Walk the plank!” upon seeing me in pirate garb. A few would even tell a pirate joke, 90% of which involved puns on the “arrr” sound made by pirates and the sea captain on The Simpsons: “Why did the pirate take a vacation? To get a little Arrrrr and Arrrrr!” “What do impatient pirates say on a long voy- age? Arrrrrrrr we there yet?” A few would include “How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A Buck-an-ear!”2 Ironically, for all the jokes told to and about pirates, nobody wants to be funny with a clown. In fact, in my experience, the only people who
RICH MACKIN seem to like clowns are those who have an iron- ic love of clowns for the scary clown factor. (I have even had people refuse to buy some of my early zines for fear of the clown logo I use.) Sean Tejaratchi, in Crap Hound3 issue 4 (the “Clowns, Devils and Bait” issue), notes that, despite talking to everyone he knew about clowns for six months in order to compile the thousand or so pictures used in his zine, “not a single person expressed to (him) a positive opin- ion of clowns.” He adds, “Someone should tell these fuckers that a deathly white mask and exaggerated, blood-red features are not the express route to a child’s heart.” Think about these two themes in pop cul- ture. Johnny Depp in a certain Disney film is a hero even if the bad guys are also pirates. Yellowbeard, for all his evil deeds, was a pro- tagonist. The Pirates of Penzance? Come on! But clown movies? Shakes the Clown? Pennywise from It? Wouldn’t a movie called Klowns from Outer Space have an IMPLIED Killer if it wasn’t part of the title? So, everyone hates clowns, who are people who dress in funny costumes to entertain, while everyone loves pirates, who are people who commit crimes. Furthermore, pirates are people who devoted their lives to crime, while clowns are characters – a clown is a part 18 ARTWORK BY ART FUENTES definition would exclude Vikings, as they were routes which allowed for piracy to be such a pirates, both for entertainment and to create bat- only part-time sea robbers. lucrative profession. Huge boats with vast tle music for attacks. To define a few other related terms, a “pri- amounts of valuables in the middle of nowhere Indeed, a pirate attack was not just about one vateer” is a ship, or crewmember of such a ship, sailed with small, tired crews. European capital- group hoping to defeat another in battle; it was that is given an official okay by a government to ist types were ready to exploit whatever an exercise in terror. Today, a pirate’s weapon is attack enemies, or possibly just non-allies, of resources they could find and in doing so, pre- speed – an armed group taking a vessel by sur- that government. Sometimes, privateers were sented a new resource for the anarcho-capitalist prise and making off before anyone knows what commissioned to hunt pirates. Sometimes priva- pirates to exploit.9 to do. In the golden age, the pirate’s greatest teers became pirates. Of course, it’s worth con- Some pirate groups in the golden age drew asset was fear. Pirate attacks were rarely about sidering what the philosophic difference really is up charters or codes of conduct. Typical points fighting skill – the idea was to get a crew to sur- between “sanctioned” looting and self-initiated of order were the sharing of booty – usually that render without a fight by scaring them into sub- looting. A “buccaneer” is a pirate that operated the crew all got the same share of the loot, with mission. This is one reason that pirates flew in the Caribbean around the seventeenth century. specialized personnel (navigator, carpenter, etc.) flags with skulls and related imagery – the skull The name derives from the French word “bou- getting slightly more, and the captain getting and crossbones was indeed popular, as was any caner” which means to smoke-dry or cure meat, perhaps a share and a half. Those who first spied combination of skeletons, swords, devils, bleed- and refers to the cooking process of the Arawak the target vessel or showed bravery might have ing hearts and hourglasses – a symbol that time tribespeople, picked up by settlers and pirates a special reward set in the code. Rules of disci- is up. Celebrated pirate Anne Bonny would con- who ate the various animals found on the islands pline for the crew would be set down, and these coct horrible visuals such as slaughtering ani- of that region. punishments were often more fair than in other mals to coat the ship in their blood and enact Of course, the Arawaks are usually best aspects of society of the time. Of course, fair- heinous set-ups, terrifying her victims. Edward known for being the people who were unfortu- ness and consistency only applied to discipline Teach, better known as Blackbeard, was known nate enough to be the friendly Indians who our between pirates; captives were often another for lighting slow burning wicks and placing good friend Chris Columbus stumbled into on story. Still, some charters went so far as to cite them in braids in his beard and hair, so his head his misguided attempt to sneak up on India. punishments for “meddling” with a “prudent” – already scary for his intense eyes and huge Chris is mentioned a lot in books about piracy – woman without her consent. One of the worst beard atop a big, heavily armed man – was sur- I mean, technically, if we are going to define punishments was marooning, stranding the rounded and followed by clouds of smoke. pirate as a guy on a boat who rapes, murders offender on a deserted island with no food or Pirates also used weapons such as early forms of and/or steals, Columbus has enough pillaging, water, but often a gun and one shot’s worth for grenades11 which not only exploded, but had looting and bloodshed under his belt to match the eventual suicide.10 Other charters involved smoke bomb and stink bomb varieties. Captain Hook any day.8 It would seem that restitution for serious wounds, such as loss of The idea was not to defeat the crew, but to Columbus really helped set the stage for piracy: eye or limb (pirates may have been the first to get them to submit. Alone in the middle of the were it not for his “discovering” the new world, have medical insurance); voting systems for sea, plundering could be a long, thorough event. perhaps there would not be the European con- decisions or new leadership; and rules for musi- Sometimes, pirates would take days getting quest that set up the gold, slave and other trade cians. Indeed, musicians were important to every last useful object from their victims. One form of pirate terror that seems to be more fiction than fact is walking the plank. Real
life pirates had no more desire to make someone RICH MACKIN walk the plank than real life spies kill each other the way James Bond’s enemies do. It merely makes a nice, drawn-out device for art and liter- ature and provides a chance for escape. Sometimes captives were left unharmed since it was the loot that was desired and hurting people just brought more authorities and problems. Other pirates killed their victims outright. Taking time out to make someone walk the plank was time better spent ransacking the ship. The pirates who did want to torture people could think of far more sadistic ways than an extended jump into the water. Other pirate misconceptions include the overly romantic notion that pirates were com- pletely democratic. Indeed, how pirates worked their subculture was far more democratic than the bulk of society, but like the Ancient Greeks, their democracy only included those who they considered equal. While there were many black pirates, freed slaves and otherwise, captured slaves were more likely to be considered part of the loot. In fact, pirate loot consisted of far more things that would make for a fictional haul of gold and jewels. Consider that pirates plundered all they could. They often wound up looting ships filled with supplies, food, and textiles. If the pirates couldn’t use it themselves, they sold it to someone who could. While buried treasure was not unheard of, pirates more likely spent their takings outright on supplies, alcohol and women, often gambling away what remained. Pirates usually had a live fast, die young atti- tude. Finally, I should note the use of the word “ship.” Today, we tend to think of a ship as any big boat. But in the golden age of pirates, a ship technically referred to specific forms of sailing vessels with at least three masts with square 19 RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG Why is this happening? Because we are fat, lazy, uninformed, and opinionated Americans? s I left last issue, I was stores that make thirty to forty bil- cranked out in less than a minute occurred at Wal-Marts, Sam’s Club, preparing for the possible lion in profits are in fear of a com- will last me how long until it and Costco. That’s right, union peo- AAstrike in the grocery indus- pany that makes hundreds of bil- becomes frayed faded and filled ple are lazy, too. try; well, what was a possibility is lions. I can see their concern. with holes? I thought so! Now enough on Wal-Mart and now reality, as you probably all The LA Times ran front-page When I was a kid, the joy of onto the grocery strike. In the first know. Yes, because of me, getting articles from Sunday, Nov. 23 going shopping (and usually it was couple of weeks everyone was groceries is now more difficult. It through Tuesday, Nov. 25 describ- for toys) was that shops were spe- gung-ho, but now in the eighth feels like I’ve been doing nothing ing how Wal-Mart is spreading like cialty shops. I remember the toy week, we’re all going for the throat. for the last two months, but to be a plague through the nation, and stores in the open-air malls that The handouts from the union for us truthful, I’ve been picketing. It’s how they fuck people in other coun- were more like Santa’s workshop to give to the customers have gone both humbling and humiliating. tries. The articles were very infor- than the area next to automotives, from informative to just plain nasty. Chaos is running rampant on the mative and, at the same time, very but that’s a thing of the past. I’ve I picked one up the other day and it picket line. Granted, I don’t see scary for the American worker. heard that Wal-Mart is the leading was the definition of a scab and a many professional picketers, but I Now here’s my confusion on this: seller of toys, dog food and several rally flyer that listed the cold heart- would think that the union would don’t Wal-Mart and K-Mart sell rel- other items, so that means that we ed deeds an old manger was doing have been better prepared for this, atively the same crap, yet one reaps no longer need Toy R Us, or Petco, to picketers at his store, such as try- so let me tell you what this is really large profits annually and the other and so on? Let’s do away with ing to tow their cars, and several all about. Plain and simple, it’s is fighting to stay afloat? I also read malls and all go shop under one other flyers no longer addressing about Wal-Mart – you know, the where a shirt at Wal-Mart costs roof and stand in hundred-yard long the issues. Unfortunately, the company with the happy face price pennies to manufacture in some far- lines. Woo hoo! Why is this hap- UFCW has not explained to the tags – but what they don’t show you away land and sells for $8.99 or so pening? Because we are fat, lazy, public all that the strike is about, on the face are the horns or the on the rack. I thought that items at uninformed, and opinionated mainly because most of the people blood that drips from a perfect set Wal-Mart were discounts. It sure Americans? Rumor has it that the I’ve talked with think it’s only of fangs. The stores can talk all doesn’t seem like a discount to me. union credit card, which the UFCW about medical benefits. So here’s about health care costs and that we A shirt from, say, France, that costs (the union of United Food and the rest. First off, those of us who get paid higher than others, but a hundred dollars to make and I Commercial Workers) tries to ram make $17.90 an hour (most are part when it comes right down to it, could get my hands on for sixty dol- down our throats, when researchers time, twenty-four hours a week, do GARY HORNBERGER Wal-Mart is slated to enter the gro- lars, now that is a bargain. And that looked at where purchases were the math) will be grandfathered or cery biz in this state in 2004 and the shirt from Wal-Mart that was made, a high in percentage two-tiered, meaning anyone pro- moted after will only max out at ents. To that, I say that a year prior tomers who came out of the store. but then again, a ribbon bookmark- $15 an hour and will take eight the union told us to save money and All in all, this process of labor has er and an autograph (just kidding) years to get there. From our point of prepare, and they just didn’t listen. sickened me; first because my fuck- easily sway me. (Donald King, view, we will be under the micro- I don’t care if interest rates were ing company is so greedy they put 1942 Como Lake Ave., PO Box scope for the rest of our careers and down, there is no reason why – if me out here, and second because 64565, Coquitlam, BC V3J 7V7 there will be conflict between the you’re getting a steady check for the union is so suck ass in commu- Canada; donaldking42yahoo.com) two classes. working – you should take money nication. Maybe I should take the Next on the list is the unlimited that is there for people who are advice of passing motorist and get a THE HEART STAR use of outside vendors for stocking, fighting for your wage when you fucking job. $1.50 US, by Christoph Meyer which begs the questions, why return! We also have our fair share It is amazing how a short story sim- would they need clerks to stock of hypocrites who sit and tell cus- THE WANDERING EYE ply drawn can have such a wonder- shelves? They also want to go to tomers about the eroding middle $6.00 US, by Donald King ful effect on a reader. This is a prepackaged meats, which does class and how it will affect sons and Comics, oh, thank god how comics delightful story of a lost love in a away with the meat cutters. The daughters, yet when alone in the are getting me through the strike lost spirit with a dash of supersti- box help would also be given back, say how the company can do and this one is great. The tion. In the story we read of a soul broader duties, which would cut whatever it likes to future genera- Wandering Eye is dark humor at its lost to suicide because of a lost into the clerk’s areas. Night premi- tions just as long as they keep the best. It’s the story of a guy trying to love. Due to a local town’s tradi-
ums and Sunday pay are to be cut pension as it is. tighten lug nuts with a screwdriver. tions, the head of a suicide is buried out also – you know, the time you By no means am I the poster It’s a love story for losers or guys and the body is incinerated because GARY HORNBERGER would be most likely to be in boy for picketing. I’m visual and who are just oblivious to what’s the soul can only rest in peace if the church or by yourself and robbed. somewhat educated on the facts, going on until it’s too late. It seems head is buried without the broken Basically, they want to edge out the but I know my limitations. I’m con- our main character spends the night heart. It seems though that this is high paying workers and weaken frontational so I take myself away at a friend’s house after a wedding not true because the heart still the union’s bargaining power. from the areas where this might and wakes up the next morning burns, so the mind and the heart So it’s not just about the med- happen, because at this stage, those next to his bud’s hot daughter (love cannot separately deduce the trou- ical that we are fighting for and who support us do and those who story). The only problem is the bud ble and we follow the spirit on its agreed to pay (just not the absurd don’t want a pound of flesh. For deals drugs, which our main dude wanderings. Until the spirit could amounts), it’s about getting edged instance, the other morning there does not know about (oblivion). figure the two needed to be togeth- out of the higher wage earnings. were several of us in front of the After lying all this out, the main er it wandered. Not until it com- Lastly, let me say one thing about door and as the few customers who character catches on, but it is too bined the two could it finally picketing: it sucks! Here’s how it shop came in and out, two in our late. People get killed, framed, and achieve peace. Well, as the story goes picket 20 hrs.: $125, 30 hrs.: group became caustic to several the guy loses the girl. Seems like a goes, this eventually does happen, $200, and 40 hrs.: $300. Some peo- customers, even calling one woman routine story, right? Not so, for our and with this the story of the heart ple panicked and bailed to work at a fat bitch and calling another man writer has put a new twist on star in the night sky is born. This is Stater Bros. because they needed a loser. The union does not want comics: after the story ends all the one of those feel good stories even the help. This was fine until we dis- this to take place and neither does vague or hidden spots are cleared in if it is about a suicide because it covered just recently that these peo- the company, because when we all a second part of the book. It’s real- allows all who are troubled to even- ple are also picking up 20 hr. pick- go back to work those customers ly cool. Things are seen from other tually find peace. (Christoph et checks, which has brought about will either cause trouble in the store points of view and things that may Meyer, PO Box 106, Danville, OH some good verbal sparring among or will simply not shop there. We seem trivial at first now better 43014) those of us who feel this is wrong were given a flyer on how to go explain the story. It’s like writing because we’re out on the line for about dealing with customers and it something, being unhappy because FUZZ & PLUCK in our jobs and a way of life, not just was to greet and be courteous, you forgot some things, and then SPLITSVILLE 1, 2, 3 for the money. Some of their argu- which I find to be a lost paper being able to rewrite it by just $4.95 US, by Ted Stearn ments were that they were raising because when the union had their adding those things in the second What can I say about a rooster and families or they were single par- rally at the store, they booed cus- rendition. I really liked this book, a teddy bear? No 23 GARY HORNBERGER is a collection of laugh- is a collection HUZZAH! Walters US, by Britton $1.00 Huzzah The longest humor. out-loud stupid is the misadventures of the bunch guy who reads the Elf, a of Stinky with action figures, comics, plays after eating and hallucinates Then he months-old Chinese food. takes on becomes a superhero who I told the evil crab shack villain. I really you it was stupid humor. dog the Dog”: it’s like “Walking who own humor for those of us the Tyme, Justin Then there’s dogs. who irresponsible time traveler is just not could correct wrongs but Earl, “the kid with There’s up to it. who is a sandwich for a head,” around the constantly being chased crows, and yard by a couple of laugh your many other stories to thing – Another great at. ass off remember the ads in comics for Atlas gags and gifts, or the Charles – well, he kick-sand-in-your-face does his own funny take on those, too. So if funny stupid humor is your thing, then this is the stupid little comic for you. (Nerfect Comics, PO Box 1778, North Riverside, IL 60546; [email protected]) –Gary Hornberger that there is too much that’s “cool” that’s is too much that there line but the story and “dangerous,” guessing and wanting keeps one if I can find the rest more. I’ll see and get back to you all of the series Comics, PO Box on it. (Assassin NY418, Hicksville, 11802-0418; www.assassincomics.com) TINY GIANTS $15.00 US, by Nate Powell shit out of This book scared the read it on a me. Maybe because I of the cold night in the middle home, but week when nobody was and horri- this book is dark, bleak, to say it’s fying. Now this is not go for this kind of bad – I just don’t I say when thing and what can his seal of Frank Miller gives haunt- approval to it. It is visually as a night on as dark ing, but it’s The many the backside of Pluto. stories contained within can dis- turb the disturbed and I’m not even going to attempt to describe them, because in some of them, honestly, I’m just fucking lost. It really is a book that looks cool and you want to read it but you only do it once. this book is a find, but as Visually, a mental stimulant, be careful what (Soft Skull Press, you wish for. Brooklyn NY71Bond St, 11217; www.softskull.com) . The Warriors , right? These kids, , right? meets suck because it was drawn in that was drawn it suck because big- Pokeman, anime, Japanese I’ll but nose way, eyed, turned-up the stories are funny. be honest: high this group of See, there’s who just like to party school kids them around in their and we follow Sounds like nutty adventures. Comics Archie up to date. though, are a little more about the I’m just going to say this who gets so first story: any chick up partying drunk that she ends convention with a lawn gnome is who she thinks are leprechauns story is The second all right by me. maladjusted about some musically death rock guy who has his little Have I joke backfire on him. for you? If spiced things up enough Hell, this so, go get your own copy. even mine. (Oni Press one isn’t Ave. Inc., 6336 SE Milwaukie PMB 30, Portland, OR 97202; www.bluemondaycomics.com) KIDEGO $2.50 US I’m sitting on the fence with this one and I could go either way. Kidego is this motorcycle-riding, cop-killing, Indian-looking, rock- and-roll-playing, world-saving and everyone is out to get guy, kind of a futuristic him. It’s Terminator It’s sort of bubblegum in the fact It’s because while the bear is because while the bear really, what? I don’t know if this is know don’t what? I really, unholy or just an cop/bad cop good series of This is a strange alliance. duo find the unlikely We books. a fast (yes, it’s Lardy’s working at and the rooster is the food joint) is and the teddy bear bad employee I guess its called the good one. Splitsville out on a delivery, the rooster gets the out on a delivery, the profes- fired and winds up in ring. sional animal-fighting ripped up Meanwhile, the bear gets in a little by a dog and imprisoned other toys who room with girl’s and be free him so he can escape trying to found by a crazy guy a ferry ser- make money running Funny at vice next to a bridge. The best times, bizarre all the rest. the other point in all of this is when wings to sew a duck’s toys rip off onto the bear so he can fly out the is all I can use to Weird window. describe these books, but let me four books and I just say there’s only received three. I still want to find out what happens to these mis- fits, so I guess I have some bizarre love for misfits. Enough said. (Fantagraphics Books, 7563 Lake WA NE Seattle, Way City 98115; [email protected]) BLUE MONDAY $2.95 US, $4.50 Canada I thought this was going to Okay, LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE
Even quitting time couldn’t make me happy to hear Led Zeppelin again.
from our screaming, the salesman turned and ran ing a work of art out of wood and nails and FRAMING INVASION for the offices of John Reese Ford. Tyvek. It was impossible to understand this and I looked around the car lot for another sales- not participate in the sculpture. It was like we Barney pulled into John Reese Ford and I man to yell at. Barney and Steven had cornered were building Michelangelo’s “David,” and the knew we were all gonna end up in jail. another salesman over by the Expeditions and last thing I wanted to do was tack on a sixth toe. It was my fault. Stu sat in the middle of the yelled the same bit at him. All the other sales- So I stuck it out with Barney. I learned a lot bench seat, between Barney and me. His hands man had sought shelter under the overhang in about building a house. Carpentry stopped being were on the dash board and he rocked back and front of the offices. I turned to Stu and said, “I’ll what I did and became what I was. I even start- forth, saying, “Let’s do this! Let’s do this!” We take ‘em all on.” ed to enjoy it. My only knock was the radio. were all pretty drunk. “Fuckin’A,” Stu said, and we headed over to Barney loved classic rock, and classic rock Barney said, “Sean, you take Stu and cover the line of car salesman. Two drunk carpenters torments me. We’d listen to the radio all day, and the north side of the lot. Steven and I will take ready to battle an army of white starched shirts every day, it played the same songs and the same the south side. You know what to do.” and suspenders and slacks. All the combovers in commercials. I don’t even think they had a DJ. I I did. Barney, Stu, and I jumped out of the the world couldn’t save them. I started running. think it was just one, twenty-four-hour-long cab of the truck, Steven jumped out of the bed. Stu followed. As soon as I got within shouting recording. When you heard, “Dust in the Wind,” We split up into groups of two, just like Barney distance, I started yelling, “Bar!Ney’s!Crew! it meant lunch time was ten minutes away. Led told us to. Bar!Ney’s!Crew!” Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll” meant that we were I walked up to the first car salesman I saw. I Through the window, I saw a receptionist five minutes from quitting time. Even quitting walked slow, cool, like I might buy a car that eyeing me and dialing a phone. I hoped she was time couldn’t make me happy to hear Led night. A Ford. A John Reese Ford. I tried to sell calling John Reese. That guy was our nemesis Zeppelin again. my walk, even with my stagger and my blood- even if he didn’t know us. He was the one we I started to obsess on the radio. I felt like lis- shot eyes and the sawdust in my greasy hair. were after. His salesmen were just the soldiers tening to these songs was the same as watching Even with Stu stumbling along two steps behind we had to fight through. I kept my eye on the a clock, counting down the minutes and hours of me. I walked right up to that car salesman. He receptionist and a brief moment of clarity hit me my days with each familiar drum beat, with each smiled as if to say something, but before a word and I knew she was calling the cops and I real- played out guitar solo. These songs were a way could slip out of his mouth, I screamed at him, ized how ridiculous the whole situation was, but of slipping into a time warp, where weeks blend- “Bar!Ney’s!Crew!” I still kept screaming, “We build houses strong! ed into years so mindlessly that you didn’t even This stunned the salesman. He got that Strong! Strong!” notice that your life had slid into a meaningless unmistakable look like he didn’t know whether void. to shit or go blind. I yelled it again, Like I said, the attack was my fault, but At times, I wanted to bust open that fucking “Bar!Ney’s!Crew! You need a house?! We build Barney was our leader and Barney led us into it. radio. I read Barney’s blueprint on life instead, houses! A dollar thirty-three a square foot!” We were, after all, Barney’s crew. He was the though. I took something that I couldn’t avoid I didn’t have to look behind me to know that, guy who hired rag-tag drunks like me and Stu and made it my own. I started singing along to as soon as I paused, Stu would yell, “A dollar and made carpenters out of us. Before working all the songs, only adding my own words. It was thirty-three a square foot!” for Barney, I’d kicked around on probably a benign at first. Since we worked with a guy Our timing was on. We’d practiced this a dozen or so framing crews. We mostly built named Stu, I started by changing every “you” to long time. I never thought we’d put all of our track homes, the same four floorplans over an “Stu.” So when U2 would sing, “All I want is practice into play, but there’s a time for every- over, and each guy on the crew worked his own you,” I’d sing “All I want is Stu.” When the thing and now was our time. I yelled out, “You spot like an assembly line. Over the course of Stones came on, I sang, “Stu can’t always get want gables?!” the years, I’d worked each spot on the assembly what he wants.” When Bachman Turner Stu yelled, “We build ‘em!” line, from laying out the plates to drying in the Overdrive’s one hit song played, I’d sing “S-S- I yelled, “Vaulted ceilings?!” roof to building soffits and arches and vaults. I S-Stu ain’t seen n-n-n-nothing yet,” complete Stu: “We vault ‘em!” never considered myself a carpenter, or even a with stutter. And so on. Classic rock was full of Me: “Custom homes?!” framer. It was just something I did. Stus. Stu: “We throw ‘em up!” Then I started working for Barney. From there, I built up my repetoire. I turned Me: “Crappy homes!” Barney loved being a framing carpenter. He “Addicted to Love” into “A Dickhead to Rub.” Stu: “We tear ‘em down!” loved everything about it. He loved the dew that The Boss’s “Hungry Heart” became Stu’s Me: “Bar!Ney’s!Crew!”
SEAN CARSWELL SEAN settled on the stack of two-by-fours in the morn- “Rumbly Fart.” There was really no end to it. I Stu, about to pop a vessel: “We build houses ing. He loved the smell of a skillsaw burning even made fun of bands I liked, like the Clash, strong!” through yellow pine when he cut the tails off by changing “Should I stay or should I go?” into “Strong!” trusses. He loved his twenty-eight ounce waffle- “Should I frame or should I smoke?” I always “Strong!” head, hatched-backed hammer and the way it made sure to dedicate that one to our hippie By now I could feel all the blood in my face. could sink a nail in two hits: set and drive. He laborer, Steven, who was always stinking up the My throat was ripped dry in that way it gets after loved the way the shadow of his tool belt looked portajohn, and he wasn’t shitting in there. a dozen beers and a lot of yelling. The smallest on the rest of his shadow when he stood on a Actually, it was with the help of Steven that bubble of spit balanced on the stubby little sales- roof and looked down to the ground. He loved I got Barney and Stu to turn off the classic rock man’s forehead. He still hadn’t shat or gone the sun and the sweat and the sawdust in his station. Since Steven wouldn’t ever cut his hair, blind. He hadn’t done anything but stare at Stu lungs. And his love was infectious. From the I changed “Stairway to Heaven” to “Hairway to and me, trying to figure this scenario into his first day I worked for Barney, I realized that he Steven.” The home of classic rock played that reality. As soon as we paused 26 was more than building a house, he was sculpt- song so many times during the work week that, one Friday it came on and, without my prompt- was a block long. No one ever said anything So I jumped out of the truck and scared the ing, Stu started singing, “There’s a framer who about it. hell out of one salesman and raced over to the knows/ to go to the portajohn to smoke/ and we Second, we finished the job. We got paid. line up of the rest of the salesmen and yelled at call him the Hairway to Steven.” Cash. We did what carpenters do when they get them. Stu followed me. By the time we finished Barney was working with Stu at the time. He paid cash. We got drunk. We started at a dive bar our second round of “We build houses strong! listened to Stu, singing along to my words with- with four dollar pitchers. When the bartender cut Strong! Strong!” Barney and Steven were out any irony or any hint of kidding around, and us off, we went to a strip club. Not the small behind us. Barney was ranting again, but this Barney got so damn mad that he switched over town Cocoa Beach strip club that we were used time, he was making sense. to a country station. to, but the fancy Orlando strip club where the “I want to see John Reese,” Barney The next few days weren’t as bad for me. I dancers have been in porno mags and you get screamed. “I want to see that motherfucker. I’m didn’t like country any more than classic rock, free popcorn at your table. We all had a little here to collect rent. I want rent for the space but at least I didn’t know the words to the songs. extra dough, what with the drive time money your fucking commercials take up in my mind. I hadn’t heard them every time I’d walked out and all, and we were all feeling good. Then, the Every day, I labor through your yelling and onto a construction site over the past ten years. unimaginable happened. A pause between screaming and I want to get paid for my labor...” So they were easier to ignore. That’s when John songs. The dancers cleared the stage. The DJ The faces on the car salesmen had gone back Reese became our nemisis. said nothing. A voice exploded out of the stereo, to normal. The surprise seemed to have worn
Even though the songs were different, the but it wasn’t singing and it wasn’t telling us to off. Now Barney was bringing them back to con- commercials were the same on the country sta- tip our entertainers. It was screaming, cepts they understood, as in, he wants money. tion. The same company owned the classic rock “John!Reese!Ford!” Don’t give anyone any money. We’re car sales- station and the country one. The same compa- I’d never heard of a commercial in a strip men. Money is what we take. Not what we give. nies advertised on both. And the biggest offend- club. I was flabbergasted. No one else in the Not one of those salesmen seemed to show er was John Reese Ford. He pulled one of those club seemed to react. Cocktail waitresses served any understanding about what Barney was talk- tricks where he kicked the volume up on the mix drinks, businessmen negotiated lap dances, ing about. But I understood. And Stu under-
of his commercial, so whenever it came on, it dancers fastened their tops back on. No one stood. And Steven understood. SEAN CARSWELL was like someone turned up the radio. And he seemed surprised. Then, I looked back at the It didn’t matter that, in ten minutes, the cops pulled the dreaded dual-announcers screaming crew, and those guys were livid. Even Steven, would show up and arrest all four of us. It didn’t at each other through the whole commercial: who was stoned enough to have smoked away matter that we’d have to sleep in a holding cell. “John!Reese!Ford! You need a car?! We’ll sell all his anger. It didn’t matter that, the next morning, the judge you a car! F150s! We got ‘em!” And so on. “This won’t stand,” Barney said. “This would fine us a hundred and fifty bucks each for Now that I didn’t have Rush and Queen to won’t stand. I paid to get in here. Didn’t I pay to public drunkenness, and the little bit we’d gotten torment me, the John Reese Ford commercial get in here? It’s one thing when this goddamn ahead with our paychecks would suddenly bugged me even more. So I made it my own. fucking commercial is on the radio. I didn’t pay become the little bit we’d gotten behind. None What the hell? I started my whole, for the radio. But I paid to get into this mother- of it mattered. “Bar!Ney’s!Crew!” rant. It helped pass the time. fucker.” Barney stood up and grabbed the bowl I watched Barney rant and rave. I listened to It made the day more pleasant. The yelling was of popcorn off the table. “Drink up, boys,” he him explain to the representatives of John Reese cathartic. It made Barney feel good, too. said. “We gotta go collect some rent.” Stu, Ford that of course it was absurd for us to come Then, two things happened. Steven, and I slammed the rest of our four-dol- by where they work and yell at them, but it was First, Barney got hired to frame a house in lar beers. Barney hurled the popcorn bowl at the just as absurd for them to do the same to us, Orlando. It was fifty miles from where we lived, DJ and walked out the door. The rest of his crew through the radio. I listened to everything but the homeowner insisted Barney frame his followed him, holding back the bouncers. Barney said and suddenly things sounded good. house. Barney made sure we got paid for our Things weren’t so familiar. Time wasn’t slipping drive time and for our gas, and he hiked up the Barney ranted and raved on the way to John into a warp, weeks wouldn’t blend into years so price, but he took the job. Every morning and Reese Ford. He didn’t make a whole lot of mindlessly that I wouldn’t even notice my life every night for two weeks, the four of us piled sense. I knew what we were gonna do, though, sliding into a void. Fuck no. I was a car- into Barney’s truck – Barney, Stu and me up and I was willing to do it. What the hell? We penter. I had my lead. I had my crew. And front in the cab, Steven riding bulldog – and we were a crew. A crew follows the lead. That’s all the yelling back felt fucking good. drove past John Reese Ford. The car dealership what a crew does. –Sean Carswell 27 YY LLEE AAAA WW RSAATTIIOONNSS SS SWWIINNGGIINNGG DDOOOORR CCOONNVVEERS HH S TT SSEE
“So I was peeing and at first everything seemed normal. Then, all of a sudden, this big gush of blood comes pouring out of my dick...” Sundays at Leo’s
“Hey John, the usual?” “No, just give me a cranberry juice,” said Big John. I was a little surprised since, in the three months I’d been working at Leo’s, Big John had always ordered cherry brandy. He was a pretty heavy drinker. I poured him a glass of cranberry juice and placed it next to the napkin full of bread- crumbs that he always saved for his birds at home. Big John was in his late seventies. He came in every Sunday at eleven in the morn- ing always dressed in the same black suit. Hunched over, he was about six-two, and he had to weigh at least two-fifty. His head was enormous. It looked like a watermelon. His cheeks and eyes were all baggy and puffed out from the years of drinking. “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me last night,” said Big John. “Oh yeah, what’s that?” “Well, before I went to bed, I went into the bathroom.” Big John paused for a few seconds, poured some of the cranberry juice down his mouth and laughed aloud, display- Photo by dan monick ing a big mouth full of jagged teeth and cav- that had a red feather tucked motion, he’d grab the glass of completely different world out ities. “So I was peeing and at first everything into the ribbon. beer and resume drinking. there.
SETH SWAALEY seemed normal. Then, all of a sudden, this Jack sat down a few stools “Roy, get John a drink for I noticed Jack had a deck of big gush of blood comes pouring out of my over from Big John and I put a me,” said Jack. cards in front of him and was dick. I mean it was enough blood to fill that mug of Budweiser down in “I’m not drinking!” shuffling them. catsup bottle over there. Hah! I couldn’t be- front of him. screamed Big John. “Hey, Roy, come over here lieve it. I’ve never seen anything like that. “Hey Jack,” I said. “What’s wrong John, you and shuffle this deck a couple of All that blood floating around in the toilet. I “Hey Roy,” said Jack. “Hey, going soft?” goaded Jack as he times.” tell you, it was dis-gusting.” how goes it John?” winked at me. Jack had done his card “Did you call the hospital?” “Ugh,” mumbled Big John, “Why you… I’m sick of tricks for me a handful of times. “You’re damn right I called the hospital! not looking up from the paper. your talking, Jack. You know, I didn’t mind though. They were Jesus Roy! I lost about a pint of blood! The Jack was a retired card deal- you never know when to shut pretty amazing and I still had no ambulance came and they took me to the er. He did fifteen years in Vegas up!” yelled Big John. His eyes clue as to how he pulled them emergency room. They had all these tubes and then twenty up in Atlantic looked like they were going to off. going into my arms. Amazing!” City. He also had a penchant for pop right out of that huge head I shuffled the cards about “Damn, John.” always passing out at the bar. of his. He turned towards the four times and then put them “The doctor says I’ll be all right though. The strangest part about it was window and covered himself up down on the bar. Jack had me It was just a little hemorrhage. They gave me that it only happened when he with the newspaper. cut the deck and then he shuf- all kinds of drugs. Now I feel like a drug was on his fourth beer. All of “Oh, come on John…” fled them once. pusher. A drug pusher! As long as I stay the sudden, you’d look over and “Just shut up, Jack!” “Here he goes again with away from the booze I’ll be fine.” he’d have his face flat on the Jack looked at me and those damn card tricks,” grum- “Yeah, that’s a probably a good idea.” bar, his mustache right in the shrugged his shoulders. I bled Big John. Big John lowered his eyes into the spilled beer, snoring away. I’d thought about filling him in on Jack got up from his stool Sunday newspaper and I walked back to the usually let him sleep for a cou- the whole blood incident, but I and walked over to the far side end of the bar and straightened up the bottles ple of minutes and then I’d bang figured it really wasn’t any of of the bar. in the cooler. my fist down on the bar and say, my business. “Now I’m going to call out About a half-hour later Jack walked in. “Wake up Jack! This ain’t a I walked back to my stool in each card as you flip it over. Jack was another one of the Sunday, suit- hotel!” Every once in a while the corner and looked out the There’s no way I can see the wearing old-timers. I guessed Jack to be there’d be a few people in the window. Families all dressed up cards from where I am.” somewhere in his sixties. He always wore a bar and they’d laugh and then were coming back from church. “All right,” I said. blue suit with a black top hat Jack would open his eyes, lift People were jogging and walk- Jack yelled out for the Four 28 his head, and in one fluid ing their dogs. It seemed like a of Clubs. I turned the card over and it was the Four. He then called Big John waved me over. “Roy, out for the King of Hearts. I turned get me a brandy.” the card over. Sure enough, it was “You sure John?” I asked. the King. There was Jack smiling, “Damn it, one drink isn’t going standing over by the bathroom to kill me.” yelling out, “Eight of Diamonds… I figured he was right. Besides, Queen of Spades… Six of Hearts.” you get to that age with that kind of I must have gone through about liver and really, what difference twenty cards and he was right on does it make? every single time. “Say, I’ve got a trivia question Jack walked back to his stool for you,” said Big John. and shuffled the deck. I tried to “All right, shoot,” I said. watch his hands closely for any “How does a baseball team with strange movements, but I didn’t no men on base hit a grand slam?” notice anything. He had me shuffle I thought about it for a minute the cards again and cut the deck. but I couldn’t think of the answer. “I This time, he had the trick don’t know, John.” worked out so that every time I “It’s a girl’s baseball team. You pulled four cards in a row they’d get it? It’s all girls on base. It’s true. come out as a straight. The whole I saw it once when I was a kid. Up deck of cards came out straights. in Pennsylvania. Oh man, haha, a “So, you were a card shark or a girl’s baseball team.” card dealer?” I laughed. “Yeah, that’s a good one John.” Jack smiled, drank down his I heard something that sounded beer, and said slyly, “Dealer.” like a cat choking on a hairball. I “Well, if I ever make it out to looked over and Jack was slumped Vegas I think I’ll stick to the slots.” down on the bar, passed out. Big Roger, a Korean War vet who John shook his head and said, “Just owned a refrigerator repair shop look at him.” had walked in half way through the Despite the awful sound com- trick. “I knew this guy who was a ing out of his nose, Jack looked so card shark out in Vegas. He got peaceful, like a little baby almost. I caught so many times that he start- motioned to slam my fist down on ed dressing like a woman just to the bar, but at the last minute I held disguise himself. Even got away back. I figured I’d just let him stay with it for about a year before they like that for a while. found out.” –Seth Swaaley BB RR IOO ø NN .. OI RBB EVV LLOOVVEE,, NNOR RRE
I mean, what's the only thing worse than your friends dying? NOT GETTING ANY PUSSY! MY YEAR BEATS YOUR LIFE: ing in line at Mills Fleet Farm™ buying tires for my ‘88 Escort, i saw Joe Reflections on the Continual and Amazing Cluelessness of Rolling Stone and Mick on the cover, flipped through it while i was waiting, found the poll results, laughed my ass off at the obviously delicious humor of it all, ...but first, what the fuck kind of world do we live in where The Cat in the and SPECIFICALLY LOOKED TO SEE if there were any asterisk-type Hat is Mike Meyers and not Mike Lucas? I mean, isn’t The Cat in the Hat disclaimers explaining that their readers’ Best Album of the Eighties was supposed to be tall and funny and roguishly erudite and such? Mike actually released one decade prior, WHICH THERE, IN FACT, WAS. If Meyers is more like Uncle Fester dressed up as Pepe Le Pew for any of us had any copies of Rolling Stone, we could look it up (don’t look Halloween than he is the Cat in the Hat! It’s an outrage! A travesty! The at me; i usually just jerk off on ‘em and toss ‘em out unread); suffice to Midwinter Jicker, come early this year! And how much nuts does it take say i see no reason why you shouldn’t take me at my word for this. for someone to be the Cat in the Hat now that Dr. Seuss isn’t around to tell Presumably, some time between London Calling being named album of you you suck if, indeed, you suck, which, indeed, you do? Few! Fuck you, the ‘80s (i assume that was 1990, but i don’t really keep maintenance Mike Meyers! You wouldn’t even make a good Wubble-Chap! You could- records on my vehicles) and now, Rolling Stone stepped off the metal path n’t even portray the Obsk satisfactorily! Next time you try out for a role and crushed the butterfly, thusly making a complete and utter shambles of in Seussian Theatre, go for something more your speed, like Yertle the the time stream (want proof? As if Mike Lucas not being the Cat in the Hat Turtle, or the A Pair of Pale Green Pants with Nobody Inside Them! isn’t enough, if November 1979 is now January 1980, then as i write this, Bleah! And who or whom do i blame for this sorry state of Damaging it’s already the last day of January, and i’m almost two months late for my Disharmony?? Rolling Stone! And by what odious means have they effect- deadline. More amazingly, you already have this magazine in your hands ed their sinister plan? Tampering with the Time-Stream! And for why as i write this, and therefore will have read the next line before i have even should i find just cause to accuse them of such a strictly verboten action? written it [for purposes of record, said next line will be “By Heliopolis, Because they made the Clash London Calling album come out in January how can I protect great Ra from these night demons when I’m burdened 1980. Why this is a problem is because it always used to have been with a mortal stowaway?”]. Needless to say, that’s a hell of a thing), and i released in November 1979. I mean, i was a dork-ass fourteen-year-old find such monkeyshines reprehensible, though i do support time travel in kid living in some godforsaken mill town in the Hinterlands (actually, i a general sense. Now, at this juncture, one might do well to wonder exact- kind of still am, just 2+ decades more decrepit), and even i saw the damn ly what i, Rev. Nørb, plan to do in order to counter this malarkey and thing in the record store in the mall around Thanksgiving that year, so i thereby heal the time stream, bring back the real Cat in the Hat, et cetera, know it used to have come out then. But now it doesn’t! Now it came out et cetera. Good question. My plan is this: Get revenge. I’m not exactly two months later. Rolling Stone #937, cover dated December 11th, 2003, sure how that will heal the time stream, but, as an American, i know that’s p. 90 (let the record show that Rolling Stone is another of the free maga- how things work around here. The Method of Vengeance Extraction will zine subscriptions i got when i cashed in my [and my bandmates] frequent be just, fair, and equitable, as that’s always one’s most ultimately effective flier miles earlier in the year), stateth the following regarding London and respected course of Vengeance Extraction (well, that and dog turds in Calling: Recorded in 1979 in London, which was then wrenched by surg- flaming paper bags on the front porch): I haven’t written a year’s end Top ing unemployment and drug addiction, and released in America in January Ten column in years. I think i quit around 1998, simply for want of ten 1980, the dawn of an uncertain decade, London Calling is nineteen songs good albums that year (and the next year, and the next). Over the last few of apocalypse fueled by an unbending faith in rock and roll to beat back years, though i’ve never exposed them publicly, i’ve MADE top ten lists I the darkness. Rest assured, we’ll go over that whole tract with a red – simply because every January my friend Timm hosts a Top Ten party,
N0RB Sharpie™ a little later in the program; for the immediate now – if, in fact, which requires all in attendance to yield a top ten list from the previous we are actually in The Now right now and not like in the Two Months year, and he’s usually got a pretty good food spread there so what the fuck . From Now (i am unsure to what extent Rolling Stone’s tamperings have do i care if i pad my list out with a bunch of so-so albums and/or records undermined the temporal hygiene of the time stream) – we must need i haven’t heard yet but “sound like they might be good?” A week or so
REV only concern ourselves with the part that says “released in America in ago, i found myself looking forward (wait... or is it backward now?) to January 1980.” AH HA! GUILTY BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION! Timm’s party with unusually great anticipation: This year, my Top Ten is FOIST ON YOUR OWN ORGANICALLY GROWN HEMP PETARD! actually gonna KICK fucking ASS. I mean, my Top Ten list ALWAYS They have rearranged Time As We Knew It, and the resultant domino kicks ass on everybody else’s Top Ten lists, but this year it’s not gonna be effect has somehow thrust us into a vile parallel universe where Mike by default because everybody else always votes for the Strokes or Interpol Meyers is the Cat in the Hat instead of Sir Dance-A-Lot. Thanks a HEAP, or whoever; this year there actually ARE ten good albums to list. MY TOP assholes! Anyway, it’s a dangnably queer thing that Rolling Stone should TEN LIST IS GONNA KICK ASS ON EVERYBODY ELSE’S TOP TEN say that London Calling was released in 1980. And it’s a DAMNably LIST BY A WIDE MARGIN. It will cover the spread, and then some. I’m queer thing – verging on being a DAAAAAAAAMNably queer thing, sure of it. Fuck, i’ll Broadway Joe guarantee it! I’ll back it up! I’ll offer which is like a half-step queerer than that – when ya take into considera- double-their-money-back if not completely satisfied! Ninety days same as tion that the one single thing i associate most strongly with Rolling Stone cash! I’ll get me one o’ them newfangled burn-the-CD-thingies and make (other than that Dr. Hook [or was it Dr. John?] song, and me beating off people completely unlicensed sampler CDs of songs from the albums on all over the pictures of Brittany a few months ago without reading one my list, which they will be forced to bring home with them and listen to word of the magazine) is their readers voting London Calling as the under threat of a brisk drubbing! MY TOP TEN RULES THE EARTH, or, “Album of the Decade” – FOR THE EIGHTIES. And THAT is memo- at the very least, TIMM’S BASEMENT!!! Hooray for Hazel! Now, mov- rable because not only did ME and GOD and EVERYONE ELSE (who ing right along, the reason i came across the evidence of time tampering doesn’t read Rolling Stone) know the album wasn’t released in the ‘80s, this week (apart from looking for photos i could beat off on to make the but, in the very issue they published the poll results, Rolling Stone magazine’s imminent discarding more amusement-infused) was that the ADMITTED the album was released in late 1979! I mean, i latest Rolling Stone i received featured the cover story “THE 500 GREAT- 30 can tell you exactly where i was when i read it: I was stand- EST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME,” which i found briefly interesting simply because Blender magazine did the exact same story about four months for the forces of Right and Goodness: Their Top Ten includes four albums ago. Thumbing through (...Captain America came face to face with by my second-favorite band of all time (that would be the Beatles, right Hitler!), i spotted London Calling in the number eight slot, smirked at the behind the Ramones; no other bands are even close to these two in the smoking gun (of time tampering evidence), bemoaned the fate of the uni- Rev. Nørb Pantheon of Hits), an album by about my fifth-favorite band of verse, and vowed my revenge. Now, only a fool believes that vengeance all time (that would be the Clash), and a combined three albums by right and proper could be wrung from the offending party (them) via me bands/guys who would fall somewhere in the ten-to-fifteenth favorite gainsaying the validity of their “500 GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL slots (that would be the Stones and Dylan). I couldn’t even tell you where TIME!” claims. I mean, of COURSE people are gonna disagree with their the bands who produced the records in my 2003 Top Ten fit on the list, list. They EXPECT it. Hell, they WANT it. I’m not going that route other than i’m pretty certain not a one of them finishes in the Top 40. Of (although i will point out a few quick statistical aberrations: 1. The Rolling Stone’s top ten albums of all time, i have eight in my personal col- Ramones first album and Rocket to Russia made the list [#33 and #105, lection; many of which i listen to with substantial regularity. THIS IS A respectively], Leave Home did not; 2. The sole Cheap Trick studio album LEGITIMATE SCRAP, MAN! SHITAND HONOR (entwined in an eter- to make the cut was In Color [#448], the most critically reviled of their nal golden braid!) ARE REALLY ON THE LINE HERE, and i’m enough essential first three albums; 3. oh, screw it, who cares). I’m not going to of a self-conscious rock critic know-it-all wannabe that i’m not gonna pit my (i.e., The Real) 500 GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME! advance My Boys at the expense of Their Boys if doing so would be gen-
"MR. STRUMMER, IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE RUMOR THAT THE TIME STREAM HAS RECENTLY BEEN MANIPULATED BY EVIL FORCES FROM THE 21ST CENTURY?"
JOE: "THAT'S JUST MONTGOMERY CLIFT, HONEY."
against their 500 GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME!, or my Top 100 uinely asinine. WE TAKE OUR JOBS MOST SERIOUSLY, AT THE REV against their Top 100, or my Top Ten v. their Top Ten, or any such two-bit FISHER (pfft) NUT (pfft, pfft) FAC-TO-REE!!! Plus, i mean, if my Top bull-puckey. I’m pretty sure that is a pretty much expected – even desired Ten of 2003 can’t beat their Top Ten of all time in a fair fight, fuck ‘em. – response from the punk rock miscreant peanut galleries of the world Send their mooching asses back to the School O’ Rock, C.O.D.! I mean, i .
(and why WOULDN’T they expect it? They’re obviously 120 days ahead know that i, Rev. Nørb, am generally beyond reproach in matters such as N0RB of the rest of us!). What i shall do – what i DARE to do, ladies and gen- these, but i want to make it clear i am not playing favorites, nor am i send- I tlemen of the jury – is to take their Top Ten Albums OF ALL TIME, and ing My Boys out against the Washington Generals of Rock or anything. pit them, STRAIGHT UP, against my Top Ten Albums of THIS YEAR. That said, i fail to see how the Beatles managed to not get pelted with That’s right! Fiscal Year 2003 v. Eternity + two months! My number 10 v. rocks and garbage after releasing this sprawling collection of pointless their number 10, my number 9 against their number 9... number 9... num- bullshit. I mean, people complain endlessly about Sgt. Pepper fucking up ber 9 (curiously, the White Album is number 10, not number 9), winner rawk (more on that later), i really think it was this meandering double-disc take all. #10 is worth one point, #9 is worth two points, #1 is worth ten cowpie that did it. Yeah, Sgt. Pepper might have dressed rawk up in silly, points, et cetera. No cheating, no misrepresentation, no fucking time trav- expensive clothes and paraded it thru an art museum during mid-morning el, no shit. If Rolling Stone wins, i agree to now and forevermore cease tea; the White Album sent it over to your house at 10 AM on a Saturday mentioning the fact that their readers voted a record from 1979 as Album morning, unshaven, to sit on your sofa in dirty whitey-tighties and fart of the Decade in the ‘80s. If i win, well, fuck, i guess i merely win. And i copiously all afternoon. And people loved it! People actually LISTEN to get a banner and a trophy! Therefore, without further Freddy Adu, let us this and LIKE it! Shirley Manson of Garbage was getting finger-fucked proceed to this ten-round slugfest we creatively entitle... (or so she claims) the first time she heard it; people were even GETTING IT ON to this crap! Yeah, there are a handful of good songs on here, but REV. NØRB’S TOP TEN ALBUMS OF FISCAL 2003 it’s about 75% total fucking bullshit, absolute jive, three delusional musi- v. cians and a disgruntled drummer offering up trivial and pointless half- ROLLING STONE’S TOP TEN ALBUMS OF ALL TIME baked ideas claimed to be “songs.” “Wild Honey Pie”? “The Continuing (Rolling Stone, defendant. Universe, plaintiff.) Story of Bungalow Bill”? “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”? “I’m So Tired”? “Blackbird”? “Piggies”? “Rocky Raccoon”? You don’t need a launderette, #10) BEATLES, THE: self-titled (aka The White Album) (EMI) v. SPITS, you can take ‘em to the vet (but more on that later)! Not to put too fine a THE: (? probably self-titled, as were the first two) (Dirtnap) point on it, but these songs SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! They suuuuuuuu- METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Extended Indifference uck BAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!! I don’t know what the fuck they Okay. Let’s just set the backstory here. My Top Ten of 2003 v. Rolling were thinking. Actually, i do: “well, it doozn’t really mattah much WOT Stone’s Top Ten of all-time is BY NO MEANS some manner of “gimme” we record then, doozit? They’re gonna looov it anyway, 31 roight?” And, sad thing is, THEY WERE RIGHT. To me, this record wilt, given a brisk enough pace and an energetic enough delivery, Dylan’s approaches Metal Machine Music in terms of sheer rawk uselessness – voice ain’t any worse than Joey Ramone’s. Drag shit out, and he sounds it’s like it wanders off after the first song and never finds its way back to as dumb as Joey did when he sang those slow, mopey ballads. Even on Space Camp, and i have no fricking idea, as a Rawk fan AND as a Beatles the rare occasions he sees fit to attempt harvesting some of the good ol’ fan, how people continue to be impressed with such a limp-ass barrelful Dylan bile (“he really has a lotta gall / to be so useless and all”), it all of pseudo-tunes (this is made all the more confounding by how little love sounds so relaxed he comes across like he’s faking it. Hey! He’s not real- the band’s GOOD 1967-and-out output gets [Magical Mystery Tour and ly angry!! I want my money back! (Rolling Stone makes mention of the the four “real” songs off of Yellow Submarine] – i mean, Magical album’s “manic brilliance” and “tightly wound tension.” Yeah. And fuck- Mystery Tour is easily one of their best albums, if not THE best, and the ing GOLF is gonna be in the X-Games™ this year) Amid the muck and White Album is third-worst [ahead of only the similarly heinous Abbey mire and wheezing and Nashville studio musician schlock (and let’s not Road and the dissimilarly heinous Let It Be), and Magical Mystery Tour even mention the 11-minute-plus love song that ends the album, “Sad ain’t even on the list! Chee!). I mean, if you took the four Beatles songs Eyed Lady of the Lowlands” – my CD starts tikking and flipping out that were new to the Yellow Submarine soundtrack, you could probably about three minutes into it, never before have i welcomed a manufactur- get the six or seven good tracks off of here you’d need to compile one real ing defect with such unbottomed gusto) stands two unquestionably great good album from the combined source materials, but, as it stands, the songs: “I Want You” and “Absolutely Sweet Marie,” and a couple okay b- White Album is FUCKING BULLSHIT. Unfortunately, even pretending side type numbers, “Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat” and the Yardbirdsian that “Back in the USSR,” “Birthday” and “Helter Skelter” aren’t really on “Obviously 5 Believers” (“Visions of Johanna” and “Stuck Inside of this album (they are) because i was first exposed to them on the Rock & Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again” having been ruined by being Roll Music double album comp, that still leaves the amazingly great pointlessly in excess of seven minutes each), which is about what The “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey” (i had Minds bring to the table: Two great songs (“Smash Smash Smash” and always assumed the “monkey” in question was heroin – “the deeper you “Open the Door”) and a couple of second-tier demi-hits (“Don’t Touch” go, the higher you fly” and all that – until i read somewhere that John and “Sex Vamp”). What’s interesting here (kinda) is that the Dylan tracks said the “monkey” was Yoko. I am NOT going there), which tragically that don’t cut it don’t cut it because they don’t sound much like the tracks manages to kick ass on the entire Spits album, although i have nothing but that do cut it; the Minds non-contenders simply sound like inferior ver- respect and misplaced admiration for any drummer that would play eighth sions of their better songs (The Minds themselves sounding like a cross notes on his hi-hat for the duration of an entire fucking CD of idiot savant between The Briefs, Jr., and The Epoxies, Jr. – if The Briefs and The rock, heavy on the idiot, and “1989” kicks ass on “Revolution 9,” and you Epoxies and The Spits and The Exploding Hearts were some manner of can tell John i said so. WINNER: Beatles, The (1 point). SCORE AFTER Pacific Northwest Punk/Wave Justice League, The Minds are charter FIRST ROUND: Rolling Stone 1, Nørb 0. members of the Teen Titans... which is okay, but does point toward the imminent arrival of the Pacific Northwest Punk/Wave Power Pack, the #9) BOB DYLAN: Blonde on Blonde (Columbia) v. MINDS, THE: Pacific Northwest Punk/Wave Legion of Substitute Heroes, etc.). Further, Plastic Girls (Dirtnap) “Smash Smash Smash” is obviously the band’s “Neat Neat Neat,” yet METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Imaginary Hit Singles “Hot” – located side one, track one – might be a fair live set opener, but Okay, and march me to The Wall on this one too: I like Bob Dylan. I think is too jerk-offy to be legitimately considered their “New Rose.” HOW every single thing he did in 1965 was pure genius. Sue me. Some of the DARE YOU KIDS COME OVER HERE WITHOUT A “NEW ROSE?” pre-electric folk stuff was cool; a lot of it was pretty forgettable. Ah, but Thinker, what were you thinking? Bring us a “New Rose,” immediately! when thet boy discovered e-lec-tricity, it was surely the best thing to hap- (further, what was the band thinking or not thinking vis-a-vis the title pen to calendar year 1965 A.D. with the possible exception of myself. The track? Surely a band like The Minds must be aware of The Diodes, who first e-lec-tro-fied Dylan album, Bringing It All Back Home, is absolute- did a similar, but superior song of identical title some twenty years ago) ly one of the best albums, ever (#31, if Rolling Stone can be trusted) (unless, of course, someone in The Minds works at Rolling Stone, in (which, as evinced earlier, they cannot be), and is suffused with a manic which case that Diodes record is not scheduled for release til January energy and a devastating looniness that i have often attempted to emulate, 2004). So, anyway, since each album is more or less two great 45s but- mainly unsuccessfully. The follow-up, Highway 61 Revisited, is an tressed by material that’s more... i dunno... buttressy... i’m gonna pretend unquestioned (well, lightly questioned) masterpiece (hey, it was on that this round consists of The Minds imaginary “Smash Smash Smash” Togar’s bonfire in Rock & Roll High School. Fuck you if you don’t like b/w “Don’t Touch” and “Open the Door” (surely the band’s “I Just Can’t I it). If the Bob Dylan period i am most worshipful of can be described in Be Happy Today” and begging the question of do you think their “I Just terms of my choosing, my parameters are simply “1965.” If said era is Can’t Be Happy Today” ate their “New Rose?”) b/w “Sex Vamp” 45s vs. N0RB required to be described using nothing but commonly-held Dylan Bob Dylan’s imaginary “I Want You” (which actually was a single) b/w
. Landmarks as terminology, i say “post-electric, pre-motorcycle crash” – “Obviously 5 Believers” and “Absolutely Sweet Marie” b/w “Leopard the main difference between the two being the inclusion of 1966’s Blonde Skin Pillbox Hat” 45s. Verdict? Well, “I Want You” does contain one of on Blonde in the latter. I dunno. Blonde On Blonde kinda sucks. Like the the most implausibly beautiful lines Dylan (or anyone) ever wheezed,
REV White Album, it was originally a two-record set (begging the obvious “now the dancing chiiiild, in his Chiiineese sUUUUUUit / I laaaaughed subtopic of why Rolling Stone is so queer for these bloated double at him, i took his flUUUUUUte / I know I wasn’t very cUUUUUUte to albums? Maybe the perennially-overrated The Kinks Are the Village him, was I?”, but the Minds 45s would have cooler sleeves. Even. WIN- Green Preservation Society album would’ve earned a higher mark than NER: Tie game! SCORE AFTER SECOND ROUND: Rolling Stone still #255 if Ray Davies would have padded it out with an album’s worth of 1, Nørb still 0. him sitting on my couch, unshaven, in dirty whitey-tighties, farting copi- ously all afternoon), and if Bringing It All Back Home was the crazy kid #8) CLASH, THE: London Calling (Epic) v. M.O.T.O.: Kill M.O.T.O. who just got his driver’s license doing Cheerios™ up and down the street (Criminal IQ) at 2 AM and Highway 61 Revisited was That Same Kid methodically METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial By One-To-One Correspondence cruising across the city in a precision-tuned muscle car a few months Another fucking double album. Three-for-three! RS claims this album later, Blonde on Blonde is the kid, now jaded and bored, sniffing drain- was “produced with no-surrender energy.” Yeah. Sure. This album sound- pipes and reciting the alphabet (whoops, wrong album) in the back of a ed and continues to sound so flat and dead and thin that it would likely limo. I have no idea why these people, or anyone, think these double capitulate to fucking FRANCE if push came to shove. Anyway, here we albums are a good thing. All that happens is that the artists lose all sense go. Each track straight up against its counterpart. Start. “London Calling” of conciseness and quality control, and delude themselves into thinking v. “All Set” – tie. “Brand New Cadillac” v. “Dance Dance Dance Dance they’re in a particularly productive period in their careers (“Hey! Wow! Dance to the Radio” – “Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance to the Radio.” I’ve got a double album’s worth of material in me!” Uh, NO, hotshot, you “Brand New Cadillac” is overrated. It sounds better than it is just because merely convinced yourself the world has interest in your table scraps). As the rest of that album is so f’n woozy. “Jimmy Jazz” v. “The Chicks Can opposed the neo-Seussian zaniness of Bringing It All Back Home and the Tell” – “The Chicks Can Tell.” Come on, the guy just got laid and “the masterful cruise of Highway 61 Revisited, Blonde on Blonde sounds all chicks can tell!” That’s genius. “Hateful” v. “Choking on the Edge of undisciplined and lax and dragged out. Worse, the resultant sauntering Love” – “Hateful,” that’s a pretty good song. “Rudie Can’t Fail” v. pace magnifies every irritating vocal idiosyncrasy tenfold: “Breaking Up Is the Hardest Thing” – “Rudie Can’t Fail.” But if Brian “SOOOOOOOner... or LAAAAAAAAAter... WHUUUUUUHHH-ne of Wilson wrote “Breaking Up Is the Hardest Thing,” it’d be hailed as a us must knOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW...!” I mean, think what thou work of tortured genius. “Spanish Bombs” v. “Choking on Your Insides” 32 – tie. “The Right Profile” v. “Get Away from the Cops” – “The Right Stones, The (4 points). SCORE AFTER FOUR ROUNDS: Rolling Stone Profile.” That’s just Montgomery Clift, honey! “Lost in the Supermarket” 5, Nørb 3. v. “We Are the Rats” – tie. I ‘m sure that in a few years “Lost in the Supermarket” will emerge as the superior song, but that is not complete- #6) MARVIN GAYE: What’s Going On (Motown) v. MARKED MEN, ly self-evident right now so fuck it. “Clampdown” v. “I Hate My Fucking THE: self-titled (Rip Off) METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Football Job” – “Clampdown,” but isn’t it ironic how these tracks line up? (my Card boss actually came into my room when i was playing “I Hate My Fucking Recorded in 1970, Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On is one of the two RS Job” – i think i got a raise not long thereafter!) “The Guns of Brixton” v. top ten albums i don’t own, and, needless to say, i ain’t rightly about to go “He Said Ouch (excerpt)” – wait. “He Said Ouch” is not a real song, it’s plunk down my hard-earned American bread for something on their fuck- like five seconds of studio gab. I ing say-so. I tried to track down a will pit this one against “Train in copy to borrow – my friend Jeff Vain,” the bonus cut. Therefore, has one, somewhere, but he the match-up is “The Guns of proved unable to locate same with- Brixton” v. “Never Been to Me in in my required time-frame – so, in a Riot,” and the winner is “Never the interests of full disclosure, let Been to Me in a Riot.” Fuck yes. the record show that not only have “Never Been to Me in a Riot” i never owned this record, i’ve kicks at “The Guns of Brixton”‘s never even HEARD it. Be that tri- front door, and it comes out with fling bit of airy persiflage as it its hands on its head! “Wrong ‘Em may, i will state, with all the mis- Boyo” v. “I Am a Bomb” – “I Am placed conviction and two-bit a Bomb.” Genius. “I am a bomb til hubris that i am allowed, by law, to i think of something better to do.” muster, that i am shit-certain that “Death Or Glory” v. “Left Handed the Marked Men and their cease- Guitar” – “Death Or Glory.” All less, spring-wound, rapid fire, of the four little demo jobbies on more-melodic-aspects-of-the-Dils the M.O.T.O. album, except the styled assault would have minimal last one, are pretty stupid, and trouble mopping up the floor with devalue the album as a whole, i Sir Marvin. However, in the inter- think. “Koka Kola” v. “I Won’t ests of giving The People a show Give It Up Untilll You’re Mine” – trial, representing Mr. Gaye will believe it or don’t, “I Won’t Give be my 1971 Topps football card of It Up Untilll You’re Mine.” “Koka Mel Farr, the Detroit Lions run- Kola” just sounds pancake-thin ning back who was drinking beer and spastic when matched up with Marvin Gaye the day he came against the mighty dual Warlocks up with the title What’s Going On of M.O.T.O.!!! “The Card Cheat” (let the record show that 1971 – v. “Laying On a Slab of Stone” – first grade – was the first year i “The Card Cheat.” “Lover’s started buying football cards, and i Rock” v. “I Think We’ve Got the had not only the 1971 Mel Farr, Sound” – “I Think We’ve Got the but also the card of St. Louis Sound.” You don’t need much of a Cardinals cornerback Miller Farr, sound to top “Lover’s Rock.” Mel’s brother. Just thought you’d
“Four Horsemen” v. “Where’s My like to know). Now, in 1970, when REV Money At?” – “Where’s My What’s Going On was recorded, Money At?” Billy Childish meets Mel did rush for a respectable 4.3
“White Light White Heat!” Bonus yards per carry, with nine touch- . Track: “Train in Vain” v. “He Said downs. He was the 7th leading
Ouch (excerpt)” – “Train in rusher in the NFC in 1970, but N0RB Vain.” I kind of like that song. remember, the NFC only had 13 I OKAY! TALLY! Clash 7, M.O.T.O. 7, three ties. Dead even. Huh. Wait, teams back then, so that’s solid but not noteworthy. He rushed for 717 the Clash still have “I’m Not Down” and “Revolution Rock” left! Those yards that year, which – apart from being my house number, therefore songs suck. I dock them some non-negative fraction of a point. M.O.T.O. exactly 3000 less than Graceland’s house number, therefore exactly wins!!! WINNER: M.O.T.O. (3 points) SCORE AFTER THIRD 18,000 less than the capacity at the Bradley Center for Bucks games – ROUND: Nørb 3, Rolling Stone 1. when extrapolated from the 14-game season they played back then to today’s 16-game season, is still only 819 yards. Adequate, but certainly #7) ROLLING STONES, THE: Exile on Main Street (Virgin) v. ZODIAC not a Marked Men type performance. WINNER: Marked Men, The (5 KILLERS: Society’s Offenders (Rip Off) points). SCORE AFTER FIVE ROUNDS: Nørb 8, Rolling Stone 5. METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Simultaneous Multi-Platform Performance #5) BEATLES, THE: Rubber Soul (EMI) v. BLOODY HOLLIES, THE: Well, since i got the Stones thing on CD (hey, guess what? It’s a double Fire at Will (Sympathy) METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Smug album, too!) and the Zodiac Killers thing on vinyl, i figured the best thing Rationalization to do was to put both on at the same time, and, using the magic of the The Bloody Hollies “Tired of This Shit” is pretty close to the best song remote control, flip back and forth between ‘em. It was neck and neck for i’ve heard all year; the funny thing is that it’s a shameless rip off of a while – it was funny to hear “Rip This Joint” – a song i’ve always “People Who Died” by the Jim Carroll Band – except instead of the lyrics appreciated as a fast, simple, uptempo rock ‘n’ roll number – dragging on being a big laundry list of people who DIED! DIED! (and, you know, and on whilst the Zodiac Killers whirled furiously through about three while we were out, Warren Spahn – who led the Milwaukee Braves to the songs in the same time – but, eventually, the Zodiac Killers were unable city’s only World Series title and was the winningest left-handed pitcher to continuously muster the near-lethal energy levels required to repel the of all time – Tony Canadeo, one of only four Packers to have their jersey occasional genius of the Stones. Plus they kinda ripped off “I Think My numbers retired – and Hawk of the Road Warriors, the greatest wrestling Baby Is a Communist” by the Briefs in “My Boyfriend Is a Masochist,” tag-team of all time – all died. Creepy year, man, i’m tellin’ ya), the lyrics and TOTALLY ripped off the Strike with “Danger Danger!” For shame! are a big laundry list of chicks who won’t put out for him. WHICH IS The Stones album’s got about seven good songs out of eighteen; the best GENIUS. I mean, what’s the only thing worse than your friends dying? two Stones albums – the first one and the second one, in that order – did- NOT GETTING ANY PUSSY! (well, that and sitting thru the White n’t make the Top 500 list at all. Wow, what a surprise. WINNER: Rolling Album again) The song is a two-minute blast of “Workin’ on Tiffany on 33 the telephone / lets me spend my money but won’t let me take her home” hunt them all down and KILL THEM. Have a nice day. WINNER: Bob type couplets of woe, punctuated with the occasional “Somethin’ better Dylan (7 points). SCORE AFTER SEVEN ROUNDS: Rolling Stone 18, give, or I’m bound to throw a fit, I’m TIRED OF THIS SHIT! TIRED OF Nørb 8. THIS SHIT!” The night i got this CD (ugly cover art compared to the LP, but AH! Auto repeat!) i think i played “Tired of This Shit” for, quite liter- #3) BEATLES, THE: Revolver (EMI) v. SOFT BOYS, THE: ally, 90 minutes in a row, at head-crushing volume, after midnight (this is Nextdoorland (Matador) why everyone needs to own a house). If anyone is familiar with Ultraman METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Seniority – the evil Superman™ type from the Crime Syndicate of Earth-3 in Yes, i realize that, after making a big stink about London Calling being Justice League of America (1st series) Nos. 29 & 30 – you will doubtless released in 1979, i’m including a Soft Boys album released in 2002 in my recall that every time Ultraman was exposed to Kryptonite, far from being 2003 Top Ten list. I can get away with this for a number of reasons, not adversely affected, he gained a new superpower. I have always felt that the least of which is 1. Top Ten lists are, by their very nature, not as rigid- truly great rock’n’roll songs were my Ultraman’s Kryptonite: On expo- ly restricted an institution as are, say, oh, i don’t know, calling something sure, i am IMBUED with a NEW and TERRIFIC SUPERPOWER that i “The Album of the Decade!” or things of that sort. They are not legally can use to ward off my oppressors, and HUMBLE and DESTROY my binding. Top Ten lists have to contend with a variety of real-world issues, enemies! “Tired of This Shit” is like a huge, Hoppity-Hop™-sized including deadlines, oversights, publishing delays, etc., and, while the Kryptonite rock in my Ultraman crack pipe. I RULE EARTH-3, MOTH- highest level of practical accuracy should always be strived (striven?) for, ERFUCKERS!!! Forty-five times in a row i listened to that song, and i’m Top Ten lists in no way should be seen as perfectly accurate representa- still not sick of it. Fucking genius. However, the only other songs on the tions of the calendar year which they represent. Or, to put it another way, album i was initially impressed with were “Swing,” a violent, twangy i had to have this Top Ten list done in November, so go fuck yourself, thrasher (imagine the White Stripes but kicking ass) that will certainly do dickshine. In any event, the Soft Boys got kind of a tough draw here – for suicide by hanging what “Lights Out” did for self-inflicted blindness, Revolver is the third-best album by my second-favorite band; and “Emergency Shutdown,” where the bass and drums pound out one Nextdoorland is fantastic, but the fact of the matter is that songs like “She note for about three minutes whilst the bee-zerk singer rants and raves and Said She Said” are the perfection which a band like the Soft Boys, aged goes apeshit on his Telecaster. I eventually warmed up to the remainder of and experienced as they are, can only chase after. In many respects, the material: Hey! It’s Nashville Pussy with ties!!! “Downtown Revolver” Nextdoorland – better than the mildly overrated Underwater Moonlight is such a viciously convincing song about packing heat that i’d be scared in this reporter’s mumbled opinion – works better as an album than does shitless to perform it if i did not, in fact, come equipped with a loaded Revolver – the songs flow together well, the mood (?) evoked (??) by the firearm. Aaaaaaaand... unfortunately, it’s all for naught, because they go work (???) remains at a pretty constant level of subdued insistence (arbi- up against the fourth-best Beatles album of all time. I prefer the US ver- trarily large amount of question marks) (you know... it’s kind of like if you sion of Rubber Soul to the UK version (which is what today’s CDs are and have a hard-on, and you know if you touch your cock one more time, in what i’m using here is), simply because “I’ve Just Seen a Face” was such any way, shape, or form, you’re gonna spurt all over your Brittany pix – a perfect opening track and now it’s not even on the album (i think it’s on but you never touch it, and maintain that equilibrium of tension all the “Help!”) (the US and UK differed in how they paid royalties on their way thru the album – yeah, that’s kind of it. I think.), and i can’t think of records – in the US it was per song, in the UK, per record – therefore it one noteworthy imperfection herein. This would be awesome make-out was in the interests of the American labels to put as few songs as they music, but i have yet to find a test specimen to do the lab work with me could get away with on each album, and in the interests of the British on that particular conjecture. Revolver is a great album, granted, but no labels to put as many on as they could, leading to all manner of Trans- one, even at this late hour, seems willing to point out how poorly the Atlantic variance et al). Doesn’t really matter. Every song is good on Lennon and McCartney songs mesh together. I mean, even to the casual Rubber Soul, though there are no real rockers to be found. The band starts listener, it’s pretty obvious that there is next to no collaboration on the to push the envelope a wee bit regarding allowable studio sounds and songs credited to “Lennon-McCartney” – John’s songs are edgy rockers diversity of influence, but it’s all still rooted in a traditional pop context, and psychedelic flipouts; Paul’s songs are dry, stiff, but well-crafted radio for better or for worse. I assume no one really wishes for me to continue hits. People wet themselves with ga-ga juice over Revolver, but i have yet this discussion. WINNER: Beatles, The (6 points). SCORE AFTER SIX to read one Rock Critic or Analogous Tastemaker’s comment on the tac- ROUNDS: Rolling Stone 11, Nørb 8. tical absurdity of having songs like “Here, There and Everywhere,” “Good Day Sunshine” and “Got to Get You into My Life” on the same #4) BOB DYLAN: Highway 61 Revisited (Columbia) v. LEG HOUNDS, album as “Taxman” and “She Said She Said” and “Tomorrow Never THE: Ready to Go! (Bulge) Knows.” I mean, John’s songs and George’s songs fit together fine; Paul’s METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by No Contest songs are blatantly and proactively square. I like some of ‘em, but... i Okay, Earth – bitch all you want about favoritism on my part putting a dunno. This record is quite a bit more haphazardly slung together than i record on my own label at #4 on the year, but the fact of the matter is that see acknowledged. And the KICKER is that the original US version of the Leg Hounds fucking ROCK and ROLL, jack! They are a fucking great Revolver omitted THREE John songs, “I’m Only Sleeping,” “Dr. Robert” band, they have their shit together, and they rock. They are not re-invent- and “And Your Bird Can Sing” – which means that, back in 1966, the ing the wheel. But they ARE rolling around quite successfully using record that, according to Rolling Stone, “made it thrillingly clear that what wheels of prior invention! I still think the second one – Date Your we now think of as ‘the Sixties’ was fully – and irreversibly – under Daughters – is my favorite (something about pop genius and what-not), way” contained a whopping TWO John Lennon compositions. Six Pauls, but everybody else thinks this one is the best one, and who am i to argue three Georges, two Johns. Right. Viva la fucking Rev-a-LOO-see- (other than the lunkhead that fucked the cover up by not clicking the lit- OWWWNNNNN, muzairfookair! The original US version of Revolver tle “Process Separation” box on the 100M/100Y red i used [or, more cor- blows. Fuck you. On a related note, i think that “Unprotected Love” by I rectly, TRIED to use] on the cover)? The production on the stereo tracks the Soft Boys is about being on the receiving end of condom-less butt-sex. is amazing (especially when one takes into consideration that all three WAITER! WINNER: Beatles, The (8 points). SCORE AFTER EIGHT
N0RB albums were recorded at the same time!). I can’t say enough about this ROUNDS: Rolling Stone 26, Nørb 8.
. band. So fuck it! Buy their records, don’t buy their records, i don’t give a fuck – i got my copy, who the hell cares if you get yours or not? #2) BEACH BOYS, THE: Pet Sounds (Capitol) v. EXPLODING Unfortunately for Sheboygan’s finest, their magnum opus goes up against HEARTS, THE: Guitar Romantic (Screaming Apple)
REV the best album on either top ten, Highway 61 Revisited”(yeah, if i was METHOD OF COMBAT: Trial by Common Fucking Sense REALLY playing favorites, i’d have them slotted at #6 where they’d only Okay. I don’t think i expressed myself particularly well last issue. In point hafta tangle with my Mel Farr football card). My ex-roommate/bandmate of fact, i think my column was particularly poorly written (especially my Jamie always swore by this album in the ‘80s, but i sorta thought there musings on Wesley, the other chap’s Wesley piece was so well done i felt were too many dirgey songs on it at the time, though i always loved “Like a bit embarrassed to have my scatterbrained musings on public record, a Rolling Stone” and “Tombstone Blues.” I stand corrected by the buggy- and i didn’t really even tell the stories very well). So that there is no mis- whip of history: The album’s a fuggin’ masterpiece, stem to stern. This is understanding, let me encapsulate my dealings with the Exploding Hearts the kind of album that makes ya feel like you’re a wet washcloth that album: 1. I bought it. 2. I played it. 3. I thought i liked it, until 4. They somebody wrung out and tossed into the middle of the street in heavy traf- started going “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da-doon-da,” fic after you’re done listening to it. I keep a mental list of everyone who’s which i hate, and have always considered one of the last refuges for ever interrupted my listening enjoyment, if right word “enjoyment” be, of scoundrels, and was 5. the basis of my entire argument on why the Strokes 34 the album-ending epic “Desolation Row.” Eventually, i will sucked: They went “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da-doon- da,” so then 6. i couldn’t listen to the album a second time, because what band”])! Christ, if my kid was ever responsible for an album this unlis- if they went “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da-doon-da” and tenable, i’d probably beat his ass too! Under no circumstances should didn’t suck? I’d be screwed! But then 7. Three members died in a tragic Brian Wilson have ever attempted to concoct a song more lyrically deep van accident, so then 8. i REALLY couldn’t listen to the album again, than “Good Vibrations” or “Wendy!” Miniature golf and Hondas in the because what good could come from me going “a HA! I TOLD you they hills, yes. Verachi sandals too, yes. Plumbing the depths of soulful sensi- sucked because they went ‘doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da- tivity? Take some drugs and go swimming, loser. This shit is like the doon-da!’” in such circumstances? Well, anyway, i eventually got brave Simpletones gone emo, a complete and utter aberration (but picture all the enough that i listened to the album a second time. I, quite frankly, was Simpletones, porked up past the 300 lb. mark, lying on the same bed somewhat relieved to find that it struck me as “kinda gay.” Unfortunately together in matching Napoleon suits, with their hands in their coats. (for me), i taped it on the same tape as the Little Killers album, so i wound That’s kinda mitigatingly funny, isn’t it?). If i could rate Pet Sounds, i’d up listening to it over and over again by default, eventually deciding the give it the same rating my old bandmate Gary once gave to his guitar record was fucking classic brilliant tragic genius, utterly amazing in its playing in an interview: “On a scale of one to ten, about a negative three.” adroit yet practical amazingness. I’m still working out some issues/loop- WINNER: Exploding Hearts, The 9 points). SCORE AFTER NINE holes regarding the “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da-doon- ROUNDS: Rolling Stone 26, Nørb 17. da” conundrum (to say nothing of the 2002 date very visibly present on
MINIATURE GOLF AND HONDAS IN THE HILLS, YES. VERACHI SANDALS TOO, YES. PLUMBING THE DEPTHS OF SOULFUL SENSITIVITY? TAKE SOME DRUGS AND GO SWIMMING, LOSER.
the cover), but, ultimately, “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da- #1) BEATLES, THE: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band v. LITTLE doon-da” don’t mean squat, since the record is only paired up against Pet KILLERS, THE: self-titled (Crypt) Sounds, an unlistenable piece of shit that’s a lot closer to being the sec- METHOD OF COMBAT: TRIAL BY MARIJUANA!!! ond-WORST album of all time than it is the second-best one. Pet Sounds Damn. I could not have planned for a more dramatic finish if i had, in fact, is godawful. Horrible. Useless (this is the other album i never owned; the planned for one. If the Little Killers win, Nørb wins 27 to 26. If the Little closest i ever came to Pet Sounds ownership prior to this CD burn i Killers lose, Nørb gets fucking routed, 36-17. Geez. I am going to look requested from my friend Erik was when Maddy dubbed me a cassette pretty fucking stupid losing to Rolling Stone 36-17. Eeesh. Well. Hmm. copy. Nice gesture. You’re both out of your fucking minds for liking this. Let’s see: On the one hand, we have the sixth or seventh or eighth best REV Can i tape anything for you? How about thirty-five minutes of a large dog album by my second favorite band of all time (Magical Mystery Tour, shitting in an empty swimming pool? You may enjoy it, given your, uh, Revolver, Rubber Soul, Hard Day’s Night and the first one are definitely tastes). It starts with the overblown lame-ola of “Wouldn’t It Be Nice,” better than Sgt. Pepper. Help! and For Sale may or may not be better than .
and manages – amazingly – to get continually worse from there. That it; With the Beatles likely is worse. Abbey Road, Let It Be and the White N0RB song sucks utterly. The main gist of the song is “wouldn’t it be Album are pieces of shit). On the other hand, we have the debut album by I nice...if/when one day we could/can fuck?” That is not an acceptable the Little Killers, allegedly “The best garage punk band in the USA!” stance for the protagonist of any worthy song to take. “Won’t it be nice... Fuck that. “The best garage punk band in the WORLD!”, as far as this when one day we DO fuck?” is fine. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” is not. And wayward Martian can tell. Sara is my new Bass Idol. I was sick of having things manage to head even further south of Nadirs-ville promptly there- Sammy from Teengenerate and Blacksnake from the Spaceshits being my after! Write this down, if anyone is still reading: BRIAN WILSON IS A Bass Idols. They kept walking on water. Sara just goes “DENG-DENG- FUCKING MORON. A fucking MO-RON!!! Musical genius, yes. DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG!” at brain-cracking vol- Producer, yes. Lyrically, the guy is a fucking dimbulb. He should have ume. I can do that! I don’t think i’ll ever be able to look as cold as she never – NEVER – tried to write lyrics any less shit-simple shallow than always appears to be while she’s playing, but i can go “DENG-DENG- his bread ‘n’ butter offerings like “Surfin’ Safari” or “California Girls” or DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG!” at brain-cracking volume “Little Deuce Coupe.” The guy does NOT have the mental horsepower to (especially now that i traded in the guitar i bought right before i barfed transcend that. I’m sorry. Him am doofus! These songs sound like they myself at my class reunion for a pummeled Peavey™ T-40 bass – the were written by a ten-year-old, and i do NOT mean that as a compliment. only stringed instrument heavier than George Tabb’s Peavey™ T-60 gui- I’d rather clothespin my Mel Farr football card to some kid’s bike spokes tar, by definition!). Life is good... except that... uh... all the chips, as it and listen to THAT than this haughty parade of worthless horseshit (actu- were, are riding on the Little Killers v. Beatles conflagration. And, uh... i ally, for effect, i’d use my 1972-73 Stan Love basketball card instead know i always say that Sgt. Pepper sucks, but, uh... it doesn’t really suck [caption on back of card: “Stan’s brother, Mike, sings for a rock-n-roll as much as i say it sucks. It kinda just sucks in comparison. 35 I mean, it’s nowhere near as good as the two albums which preceded it – are both better songs than the second song? HEY! WHAT WAS THAT? I Rubber Soul and Revolver – and it’s nowhere near as good as the album heard something. I heard something between the songs. NOT THE LIT- which came after it – Magical Mystery Tour – but, i mean, it’s still kinda TLE MAN WHO LIVES IN THE 6.5-DIMENSIONAL DWARF TWIN good, i guess. I’m totally into the last four songs: “Lovely Rita,” “Good UNIVERSE COMING TO KILL ME or anything, something on the Morning,” “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)” and “A record. I heard something between “With a Little Help from My Friends” Day in the Life.” And i like how it starts with “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” It was weird. Really big. Huge. Hearts Club Band” and such. I guess i kinda like “With a Little Help from Weird. Alien, almost. It was like i heard it, but i didn’t hear it – which is My Friends,” too. I’m not sure why. But that Little Killers album does probably among the reasons why i can’t remember what it sounded like. rock totally, at least the first side, so, you know, half-totally. The second Goddammit. Goddammit, i know – i KNOW – that this song is better side is a bit weaker, except for “How Do You Do It?”, which might be the than the last song. But it seems worse. Somehow. The album is, clearly, best track on the album... but, i mean, there are three way-above-and- in damage control mode as of song #3, “Lucy in the Sky.” But, yet, “Lucy beyond-the-call-of-duty classics on here (“How Do You Do It?” “Happy” in the Sky” > “With a Little Help from My Friends!” THE TRIAL BY and their version of the Rascals “Come On Up”), and four other garden MARIJUANA IS VERY CHALLENGING! PRAY YOU NEVER GET variety classics... that’s seven killer songs out of twelve... that’s pretty CALLED FOR JURY DUTY! Why do people have such a hang-up about good, isn’t it? Can’t i win with that hand? I mean, yeah, you gotta ask this album anyway? The “concept?” What the fuck is the concept? Jamie yourself, “gosh, self! How much staying power do you really expect such used to say that the concept behind Side One is “life is an illusion,” and
MIKE MEYERS IS MORE LIKE UNCLE FESTER DRESSED UP AS PEPE LE PEW FOR HALLOWEEN THAN HE IS THE CAT IN THE HAT! IT'S AN OUTRAGE! A TRAVESTY! THE MIDWINTER JICKER, COME EARLY THIS YEAR!
a primal and immediate band such as the Little Killers to maintain the concept behind Side Two is “the necessity of that illusion.” I think that throughout the years? You never really dug Sgt. Pepper like you were fucker just failed the Trial By Marijuana, because that remains one of the supposed to, but you never wound up digging it any less since you bought stupidest things i’ve ever heard in my life. The concept is just, like... it at age 12, so, i mean, a somewhat underperforming Beatles product fuck... let me reference this. Gimme that Rolling Stone, helper chimp! could still quite easily scrape together the moxie to eradicate the here- Yeah, shit... the “concept”... the almighty fuckin’ CONCEPT is “an imag- today-gone-tomorrow thrills of a ‘right here, right now motherfucker!’ inary concert by a fictional band, played by the Beatles.” Well, GOD- unit like the Little Killers, whose product’s appeal is apt to have a rela- DAMMIT, that’s what i ALWAYS thought the concept was! They were, tively short half-life, yes? The old standbys of yesterday more often than like, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” and they were playing to not prevail over the Hotshots Of The Moment, yes?” Well... er... um... yes. a crowd, and then their singer, Billy Shears, came out and... and... and... I BUT ENOUGH LOFTY THOUGHT! THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO HEARD IT AGAIN. Did you hear it? I heard it. I HEARD IT! I HEARD SETTLE A BLOOD FEUD OF THIS NATURE! Ladies and gentlemen, i IT! Smack dab between “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and “Getting give to me... TRIAL BY MARIJUANA!!! (gasp! shriek! Beatles album Better!” I HEARD IT. A GIGANTIC, ROARING, VAST... SILENCE!!! hits turntable! This is IT, true believer!!!) (sounds of illicit combustion, et A GAPING VOID OF... SILENCE!!! ZERO SCREAMING DECIBELS al) AHHH. “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” I love this song. OF COMPLETE AND UTTER... SILENCE!!! There is nothing – The Little Killers have chances of slim and none against this. Just the... NOTHING – between “Lucy in the Sky” and “Getting Better!” No the beat is so great, and the guitars sound so cool... the crowd noise is sound. Ray-ray-ray-ray-radio silence. Dead air. Long seconds containing keen as well. The crowd noise makes the song, kind of. Yeah. This is trou- nothing but the vaguely sublimated hiss of analog tape transfer! This is ble. This album starts great and ends great, they just fuck around too the exact same huge, hunkering NOTHING i heard between “With a much in the middle or something... i mean, “Fixing a Hole?” “When I’m Little Help from My Friends” and “Lucy in the Sky!” There is nothing – Sixty-Four?” “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite?” If this music hall twad- NOTHING – no sound at all – between tracks two and three. There is no dle turned up on a record that said “HERMAN’S HERMITS” across the sound between tracks three and four. Between four and five. Between five front instead of “THE BEATLES,” no one would pay it no more never- and six. Between six and seven. (After track seven, the album is supposed mind than fucking “My Old Friend Dutch” or “Lemons and Limes.” I to get flipped over, so that’s a no-call) Silence between tracks eight and mean, how is that “GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME” material??? I nine. Silence between tracks nine and ten. Cavernous blocks of nada!!! fail to understand this. The album does finish strong, though... i almost Unspiced slabs of empty set jerky!!! SEA OF HOLES, MOTHERFUCK- invariably find myself repeating the last four tracks after side two ends. ER!!! After TWENTY-SIX YEARS OF OWNING THIS ALBUM, I The first song and the last four rule. I guess the rest is damage control or FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY IT SUCKS: Where’s your fucking something. Wait. I slouch corrected. “With a Little Help From My CONCEPT, maaaaaan? Your fucking CONCEPT – your fucking concept Friends,” the second song, isn’t damage control mode material yet. I think achieved with WAX FIGURES and ARTSY COLLAGES and COS- i said that already. THE TRIAL BY MARIJUANA IS INFALLIBLE TUMES and ORCHESTRAS and A RECORDING BUDGET A JILLION AND WILL REPEAT ITSELF WHEN NECESSARY!!! The third song is TIMES LARGER THAN ANY PROJECT THAT HAD GONE BEFORE definitely damage control material, though. What the hell IS the third – the fucking CONCEPT that “elevated” rawk to the f’n GLORIOUS song? “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?” That’s certainly a better song heights championed by Rolling Stone, et al – dude, your CONCEPT last- than “With a Little Help from My Friends.” What’s after that? “Getting ed all of TWO MINUTES AND TEN SECONDS (returning for a whop- Better?” That’s a better song than “With a Little Help from My Friends” ping 1:18 during the reprise of the “Sgt. Pepper” theme). YOU SPENT too. Wait. This makes no sense. Why does this album go into damage con- ALL THIS FUCKING MONEY FOSTERING A “CONCEPT” THAT I trol mode after the second song, when the third and fourth songs are clear- YOU DIDN’T BOTHER TO EXTEND PAST THE FIRST EIGHT SEC- ly superior to the second song? Am i totally off my rocker on this? Does ONDS OF THE SECOND SONG! After “With a Little Help from My N0RB it actually not go into damage control mode until after the fourth song, Friends,” where is Billy? Where is the Sarge? What happened to the
. then? If it doesn’t go into damage control mode until after the fourth song, crowd? LISTEN TO THE VAST, GAPING OCEANS OF BLANKNESS that means i like the first four and last four songs, and The Little Killers BETWEEN ALL THE TRACKS EXCEPT THE FIRST TWO AND THE are pretty much toast. Aren’t they? Four great songs on each end, with a LAST FOUR!!! There is NOTHING THERE!!! The shit between the
REV twaddle middle. That’s not a bad day’s work. I mean, the third and fourth songs is supposed to be a BIG DEAL, and there is NOTHING whatsoev- songs are clearly better than the second song, and i already said i liked the er between the majority of them other than complete and utter NEGLECT second song, so that’s got to mean that i like the third and fourth songs as and FAMINE and VACUUM!!! THAT is why i always liked the first two well. You know, the math is there. But, yet, i have never once perceived songs, even though the third and fourth songs were better than the second this record as a First-Four-Songs-Are-Good album, only as a First-One- song: The second song is still connected to the CONCEPT, DUDE, Or-Two-Songs-Are-Good album. How the hell does that work? This is a through the “BILLLL... LEEEEEEEE... SHEEEEAAAAARRRRS!” matter of most compelling mystery! How can a record be a First-Two- thing. The third and fourth songs are just random islands of bullshit. The 36 Songs-Are-Good album when the third and fourth songs first time i heard this album, it seemed so full of lofty potential, like it actually was gonna be the album people say it is, which it isn’t. I mean, the long-awaited revelation as to why this album sucks? (that’s why i like you had SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND, and then the anti “doon-doon-doon, da doon, doon-da-doon-da-doon-da” rule, i you had BILLY SHEARS, and then you had... you had... nothing. Big can write something off without having to contemplate the reasoning chunks of emptiness. Everything else on the album, up until the tail end, behind it for twenty-some years) “Getting Better!” Why is this signifi- was completely irrelevant to the initial grounds they had so painstaking- cant? BECAUSE “GETTING BETTER” WAS IN THE CAT IN THE ly established the album on. I mean... WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT’S HAT MOVIE!!! Coincidence? Ha! Not bleedin’ likely! Rolling Stone THE BEST YOU CAN DO? TWO MINUTES AND TEN SECONDS fucks with the time stream, gets Mike Meyers elected Cat in the Hat, and WORTH OF CONCEPT??? YOU MORONS SPENT $100,000 TO officially proclaims Sgt. Pepper the greatest album of all time WITHIN RECORD YOUR ALBUM – in 1967 dollars, yet – AND YOUR SONGS 96 HOURS OF THE MOVIE’S RELEASE!!! And who owns the rights DON’T EVEN CROSS-FADE!!! You been had! Taken!! Hoodwinked!!! to “Getting Better”? MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON!!! The same The first two songs are cool because they’re conceptually connected by Michael Fucking Jackson who sells newspapers, causes viewership the “BILLL-LEEEE-SHEEEEEARS” bridge, “Lovely Rita” is cool spikes in TV news programs bearing his grisly tales of mirth and woe, and because it’s connected by a cock-a-doodle-doo to “Good Morning,” makes people click on the link by his face! IT’S! A! FUCK! ING! CON! which is cool because it’s connected, by the sounds of various barnyard SPEE! RUH! SEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Michael Jackson makes money off of animals cavorting, to the Reprise, which is cool because it’s connected to The Cat in the Hat, which makes money off of Rolling Stone, which “A Day in the Life” by fading-out crowd noise. “Lucy in the Sky with makes money off people who have a vested interest in thinking the status Diamonds” thru “When I’m Sixty-Four,” however, are connected WITH quo doesn’t suck! IT’S A PACK O’ BLEEDIN’ LIES!!! These people nothing TO nothing, and therefore shouldn’t even be on the album, kind don’t give a fuck what the best album of all time really was (it was the of like how Alaska and Hawaii aren’t really states. I, SHOCKINGLY, NO first Generation X album. Thank you for keeping it out of the Top 500), REV LONGER BEGRUDGE AND DENIGRATE THE APPARENT “CON- THEIR ONLY FUNCTIONAL IMPERATIVE IS TO KEEP THEIR CO- CEPT” BEHIND THIS ALBUM!!! I OFFICIALLY SANCTION YOUR CONSPIRATORS’ MEDIOCRITY IN THE PUBLIC EYE IN ORDER PRETENTION AND FRUITINESS!!! I LIKE marching band outfits! I TO CONTINUE MUTUALLY PROFITEERING FROM THE NEVER- .
LIKE the sounds of barnyard merriment between tracks! What i DON’T ENDING CYCLE OF DILL-WAD ENTERTAINMENT CON- N0RB like is people giving the band credit for allegedly dispensing a start-to-fin- SUMERISM!!! Meanwhile, the time stream lies beaten and bashed I ish non-stop cavalcade of marching-band-outfit-and-barnyard-merri- beyond repair! Hell! Shit! Fuck! Gimme that Little Killers album! At least ment-ism, when, in fact, they more or less shed their marching band out- THEY’RE high concept enough to keep going DENG-DENG-DENG- fits and livestock ten seconds into the second song! That’s like when you DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG-DENG for the duration of an entire record, go see a band, and the singer comes out wearing some absolutely ridicu- not just for the first two songs. WINNER: Little Killers, The!!! FINAL lous getup, and you’re like, “whoa, that’s pretty nuts!” but then he takes SCORE: Nørb 27, Rolling Stone 26!!! I! FUCK! ING! WIN! I!! FUCK!! it off after the first song because the costume is too hot ‘n’ ludicrous to ING!! WIN!! I!!! FUCK!!! ING!!! WWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIII- wear for any longer than that! HISSSSS!!! BOOOOOO!!! UGGGGGG!!! IIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN-NNNNNN!!! I rule the earth. Which reminds me DAY TRIPPERS!!! The “concept” is, surprisingly, FINE! It is merely the of a joke: What did the guy from the Little Killers say to the giant who slipshod execution – the costly, elaborate, slipshod execution, mind you kept saying “Fee-Fi-Fo, Fee-Fi-Fo?” Answer: “Come on baby – let’s – that sucks! FUCK OFF, BEATLES! SGT. PEPPER IS A HALF- have some god damn FUM!” ASSED PIECED OF SHIT! COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO BANKROLL A FULLY-ASSED PIECE OF Thank you and good night. SHIT! AND! Do you know what song was playing when i finally HAD Love, Nørb DYY DDD AA WHHEENN IIDDLLEE MM SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS W
I am incapable of doing anything that isn’t either stupid, ridiculous or both. By the time you read this, you’re probably Wisconsin! My mom lives approximately busy checking out the latest Family Circle twenty blocks from Miller Valley (yes, such a magazine, trying to figure out your New Year’s place does exist), home to the brewery that Resolutions: quit smoking, lose weight, find a made Milwaukee, uh, famous. When you husband, make the perfect casserole and drive through the “Valley,” you go under a become, you know, more spiritual. So, in the huge clock hanging over the road that reads interests of making Razorcake a more accessi- “It’s Miller Time!” Punk! Although I’ve visit- ble, Tupperware-ad based magazine, I am ed the brewery many times, I was always offering… My Ten New Year’s Resolutions! underage, and therefore given no free beer. Lame! Fortunately, I’ll be able to drink freely 1. Listen to the Onion Flavored Rings album (d’oh!) this time around. And the Sprecher as many times as humanly possible! Why, you factory, although lacking its own “valley,” ask? Oh, I don’t know, it’s just the best album gives out free samples in a room covered in since Dillinger Four’s Midwestern Songs of the “Bavarian murals.” I am intrigued! America, not that that’s a big deal or nothin’! With lyrics like, “Logic seems so fundamental, 7. Learn (more) Russian! After a year of like it must be most of what is nature. But if Russian, my skills are seriously lacking. (See you apply it to an atom, it just falls apart.” And last issue’s discussion of Ukrainian bar talk.) you can dance to it! In your room! Like an By the end of the year, I hope to be able to idiot! Which I am! So, you see, it’s perfect. explain in Russian 1.) why I don’t want to Anyway, onward to the mathematic calcula- sister and I will be traveling around the US, dressed make out with you, a sleazy Russian man; 2.) tions. Currently, I listen to this album at least as French women from the 1760s, picking up simi- why I like Trotsky more than Lenin; 3.) why four times a day, which, if I am able to keep up larly-dressed (read: ridiculous) people, and re- the Lillington’s Shit Out of Luck is a great the pace, would mean that I will listen to the enacting battles alongside “les sauvages.” Yes, this album. Kakaya pacuss! (What filth!) album 1,460 times in one year! Add the appro- will be (at least) one Razorcake column! Or just a priate silly dancing per song, and what you get new zine: Tight Corsets: A Descent into Madness. 8. Drink more! Living in New York City, is complete and total happiness – for a year! where a rum and coke sets you back at least
MADDY See how easy this is? 5. Read at least half of the 500 or so books I have five bucks, and where studying the history of accumulated since starting grad school, including work in France has left little time for pleasure, 2. Eat at least two square pizzas a week from 1919 by John dos Passos, a history of Maritime I have at times gone more than three weeks Milwaukee’s finest pizza place, The Pizza workers in the United States, and (after years of without drinking even a sip of an alcoholic Shuttle. Living in New York City for so long, staring at it on my shelf) Bury My Heart at Wounded beverage! In no time at all, Ian McKaye is I’ve been a victim of the dreaded THIN Knee. Punk! gonna call me asking if I wanna hang out! For CRUST PIZZA! Nyet! Midwesterners know shame! It’s time to make some changes! It’s better, for how are we to survive a cold 6. Tour both the Miller and Sprecher Root Beer time to get to know the thrill of drinking so Wisconsin winter without good, thick pizza factories, located in (where else?) Milwaukee, much vodka that I end up screaming along to dough? To put it simply, we would die. So, two Black Flag songs until I pass out! At least once square pizzas a week, preferably just cheese, a week! although my sister has a fascist appreciation for pineapple, which poses no slight danger. 9. Organize and carry out the much-bandied about idea of shopping cart bike races in the 3. Leave New York City and move back to street! My friend Nate and I had talked about Wisconsin! This one is really easy, because my this a long time ago, but it never happened. We lease expires at the end of January and I have even had teams picked out! The premise? a Welcome Back to Wisconsin dance party to Easy enough to figure out – you tie a shopping attend. What does this mean for you, the read- cart on the back of a bike. One person in the er? No more columns filled with complaining cart, one person on the bike. Several teams. A about money and people wearing high heels. race to the finish. The prize? Dignity! More columns about beer, being stupid, and hanging out at Loose Stools, Milwaukee’s only 10. Install Rivethead author Ben Hamper as punk rock speakeasy! the head of the AFL-CIO and make John Sweeney work in a GM plant. 4. Graduate! Yep, if all goes well, I will have a Master’s degree in both Journalism and Happy holidays! French history by May. Sounds boring, right? –Maddy Right, except that I am incapable of doing any- thing that isn’t either stupid, ridiculous or both. P.S. If you write to me anytime after January So I’m writing my graduate thesis on French 30, email me first to get my new Midwest 38 and Indian War re-enactors. My address: [email protected].
Gavin: The new album is called 50 Ways to Leave Your Liver. A lot of people are calling it a departure. Why do you think this is? Trey: It’s a little different. It’s pretty diverse. Jimmy: Like fermenting yeast, we’re con- stantly oozing and modulating. We have influences all over the map. There’s no need to stick to a formula. Plus, when you’ve been flailing away for this long you have to change things up to keep it fresh. Trey: The original idea was to try to make each song sound like a different band and release it as a mock comp. We were gonna call it Legends in Their Own Minds: A Tribute to the Bar Feeders. We had all these fake band names like Anal Ventriloquist and Sly and the Family Jewels. As it turned out, the songs just came out sounding different so the diversi- ty was actually unintentional. Some people will probably complain, but who wants to listen to a record where each song sounds like the one before it? Jimmy: I don’t feel like it’s too much of a departure. We’re a hardcore band making hardcore records. So what if some parts sound like Ween or REM? Gavin: What’s your favorite song on the new record? Trey: Weird question. I don’t know. Cecil: “Dogbarf.” Jimmy: “Chainsaw.” It’s the true story of an unbelievably psychotic crew of mob guys in New York City. They were part of the Gotti gang and rubbed out more people than the Beasties wrote rhymes. Plus the music is total Bar Feeders. Gavin: How about your least favorite? Cecil: You’re not cool anymore. Just let- ting you know. What kind of a question is that? Jimmy: “Hot Monkey Love.” Stupid, fast, and sloppy. Trey: Also pure Bar Feeders. Gavin: Pretty self-deprecating for a band that’s been together almost ten years. What’s kept you making music together Interview by Gavin O’Neill when so many other bands fade out after Photos by Todd Taylor two or three years? Cecil: Alcohol. Jimmy: Boredom, depression, lack of I’ve known the guys in the Bar Feeders from my last day in rehab. For me, their identity. for over fifteen years. We grew up and songs have always been about great sto- down together in San Francisco. In an ries. Jimmy, Trey and Cecil are ranco- Trey: We’ve been together long enough ironic twist of fate, I got sober the same teurs, first and foremost, and it is their that there’s no reason to break up any- day they started the band almost ten ability to convey their experience, and more. Now we just take six months or a years ago: the same day they launched that of their friends and fans, which has year off when we need it. into an unprecedented punk rock cele- led them to rise above their peers in the Jimmy: We haven’t enjoyed enough suc- bration of the joys of carousing that has Bay Area’s punk scene. Also, they are cess to get fat-headed and cocky and taken them through twenty tours, fif- completely strange. Their music con- obnoxious about it. We like the music, teen comp appearances, three singles stantly surprises from song to song, remain semi-productive and don’t take the and two full length albums. Make no album to album. They are like John Cage whole thing deathly serious. And it does mistake, The Bar Feeders do pay tribute meets the Replacements meets Bad stroke our fragile egos to be in a band that to booze in their songs, detailing the Religion meets No Means No. On the eve some people like. highs and lows of a youth spent in bars of their third full length release, 50 Ways Trey: Plus, there’s a lot of free beer that and backyards across the world. But if to Leave Your Liver, out now on Attention comes with being in this band. If that well this were all the band were about, I Deficit Disorder, I thought it would be a were to dry up it would be pretty devastat- would have graduated from their good time to look back on a decade ing. We were friends long before this band schtick when I graduated spent in the clubs: a punk life. 40 and we still basically live together. For a few years we all lived in our practice space. Bands and venues are starting to reap- live. That’s probably how we acquired most of our pear. We still have brother bands here for Jimmy: Anyone out there wants to do local fan base. After every show we would invite sure. Fleshies, Bottles and Skulls, it, there’s a big lollipop in it for them. everyone back to the studio. We’d try to have a Strychnine, The Crosstops. It’s not exact- Gavin: Your songs have always been keg waiting. It was like a free after-show party. ly the same but it’s a good time again. I populated with the freaks of San Or we would get a keg for practice and call every- don’t think it’s good to try to repeat the Francisco. Bright and unstable figures one we knew and tell them to pass it on. BOOM! past anyway. This isn’t a nostalgia trip seem to gravitate toward the band and Practice becomes a free show with free beer. We for us. We’d rather move forward. find tribute, sometimes unflattering, in don’t live there anymore but we still manage to Gavin: That’s funny. I was just going to your songs. 50 Ways tells a few of the- have fun. ask about the b-sides and rarities collec- ses characters’ stories. Who are these Jimmy: Basically we all get along well enough to tion that’s in the works. What’s up with people? keep going. We’re friends. that? Trey: Thanks for noticing. It seems like Gavin: Okay. Next question is a doozy. Alcohol: Jimmy: Someone should put that out. It’s every record review we ever get says Friend or foe? a collection of 7”s and rare crap and it’s that every song is about booze. But Cecil: Alcohol! pretty cool but we can’t afford to do it when I go back and listen to the songs, Trey: On a good day, best friend. On a bad day, right now. they’re actually about the people who chief nemesis. Trey: It’s got an acapella remix of an drink the booze. Jimmy: Liquor is a fine companion whatever acapella song. There’s twenty-something Jimmy: The freaks in question are your endeavor. Mowing the lawn, moonwalking, songs on it. A lot of stuff we still play friends, associates and drinking buds. shaving, standing in line at the bank, testifying in court, counterfeiting Guess Jeans, even sleeping. Plus it can clean your wounds and make you Gavin: Alcohol: Friend or foe? think you’re cooler than you actually are. Trey: On a good day, best friend. On a bad day, chief nemesis. Trey: Last year a woman in Denmark was teach- ing a class to teenagers about alcohol and used our song lyrics in her curriculum. She put her stu- dents in touch with Jimmy who wrote a manifesto for them that probably best describes our relation- ship with alcohol. The whole thing is documented on our website. Jimmy did a hell of a job on it. He came up with positive reasons for drinking that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve been meaning to thank him for that. Thank you, Jimmy. Gavin: Well, San Francisco is a drinking town and you guys have survived the death of at least three major scenes there. Do you feel like a part of anything that’s happening there now? Cecil: We have our fingers pointed at the guy who has his finger on the guy who has his finger in the guy who is taking the pulse of the SF scene. Jimmy: The only thing happening in SF right now is that punk rock is clinging precariously to the edge of a cliff. There are hardly any places to play and definitely no “home base.” Still, bands exist and make their own little scenes and refuse to let it all die. We’re a part of the “FUCK OFF, YOU CAN’T KILL US” scene. Trey: But venues are starting to pop up again. After the mid-nineties when so many bands and warehouses disappeared it got pretty fuckin’ dis- mal. It was great scene for a few years. People like Scott Alcoholocaust going all-out booking shows, and helping to bring bands together. There were a half-dozen warehouses doing shows. Kids could come and everyone could drink without spending a fortune. You could go out seven nights a week and see four or five bands. Squat, Hickey, Fuckface, The Faggz, The Idiots, Human Beans. There were so many good bands at that time. Lot’s of out-of-town bands, too. Then all the dot com shit happened and a jillion status- seeking wannabe yuppies arrived and decided that SF was too loud and dirty. The city filled up with people who were all about money and looked down their noses at the punk who’s serving them their lattes. They were moving into working class neighborhoods that had birthed and nurtured the bands. They called the cops all the time and got a lot of the venues shut down. But those fuckers got what they deserved. The money machine went 41 kaput and now they’re the ones serving lattes. Some made the news, some of them. bought us brews. All have Cecil: I’m instantly compelled to strip naked and Trey: Shit. There’s been something freaky to say. squirm around in a pile of used needles and have a lot. And there have Trey: Sometimes it’s people heavy, pointed objects driven through my nuts. been way more highs we love. Sometimes not. because things usually Sometimes the songs are about work out. I mean, we us and we rag on ourselves went to Argentina and way more than we do on any- got totally screwed by a one else. But we’re not vindic- band that was supposed tive people and we don’t like to take us on this big to fight. Chances are, if you tour. Once we got off the get shat upon in one of our plane they wouldn’t even songs, you did something to take our calls. We were deserve it. completely abandoned. Gavin: Speaking of fights, is But then this other guy, it true that the Muppets threat- Lucas, rescued us and ened to sue you? booked us a bunch of Jimmy: [Too afraid to shows with his band and answer.] put us up for three Trey: It’s true. A few years weeks. His friend loaned ago we did a video using us his boat and we went Muppets in place of ourselves. sailing on the Mar del They were cool. They had our Playa at midnight and tattoos and everything. The drank cheap wine in the Jim Henson Company saw it middle of the sea. So it and sent us all cease-and- worked out. That was desist orders and said that if definitely a high. we didn’t recall the video and The last show of a stop using it, they would sue European tour got raided for copyright infringement, so by a hundred East we complied. We’re all German riot police who Sesame Street kids. Jim hog-tied and beat the shit Henson and the Muppets did- out of almost everybody n’t just teach us how to read. there, including Cecil. They taught us about cooperation. They’re total buttheads. They only serve That was a low. But three weeks earlier we Cecil: It was a set up. I think we were Zima and Heineken and it’s like eight bucks were drunk, standing in a field at dawn after snitched on by a disgruntled DP who to use the bathroom which smells like a rac- a show a couple hundred miles outside of worked on the shoot. coon’s ass. There’s a shooting range next Prague and wound up surrounded by dozens Gavin: Okay, back to music. New wave: door and the walls are flimsy. Plus, they of cows. We started feeding them beer. friend or foe? I know Cecil is a big have all these coked-up security guards who They all got excited and started mooing and Morrissey fan. strip search you at random intervals all followed us around until the beer ran out. I Trey: I have no insight into Cecil’s obses- night. Sheeesh. mean, I wouldn’t have predicted that hap- sion with Morrissey. Gavin: What’s the best place to drink? pening even five minutes before it did. That Cecil: I love new wave. Whenever I listen Cecil: It starts with a Z. was a cool moment. So things tend to bal- to a Morrissey album, and I have them all, Jimmy: Zeitgeist. It’s better than rubber ance out. You just have to put yourself out I’m instantly compelled to strip naked and chickens and whipped cream. there and the highs will happen. You usual- squirm around in a pile of used needles and Trey: Are we pretending that we’re in a ly can’t see the lows coming. have heavy, pointed objects driven through fantasyland where there’s a BAD place to Cecil: When you wake up in someone’s my nuts. Or sometimes I just lay back and drink? back yard under a walnut tree, wondering daydream about gargling with gasoline, piss Gavin: Worst place to drink? what town you’re in, feeling like your and thumbtacks. Trey: Any place with no booze. Mormon mouth is filled with epoxy resin, you’ve Jimmy: Most punks over thirty have new church maybe? made it. wave records stashed somewhere in mom’s Cecil: In the car. Gavin: Last question. What or who is an attic. Adam and the Ants and Devo still Jimmy: The worst place to drink is the influence that people might be surprised make me drool. murky inner depths of Cecil’s ass. you have? Musical or otherwise. Gavin: Has punk rock been good to you? Gavin: What’s the funniest Bar Feeders Cecil: Johan Sebastian Bach. I studied clas- Cecil: Fuck yeah! story your girlfriend doesn’t know about? sical violin for eight years. Trey: I can’t remember but I think so. Trey: I think my girlfriend is fucking psy- Jimmy: I’m influenced by my dog Batgirl. Jimmy: Sure. What better excuse to extend chic so either she already knows or it will She’s a superhero. She’s always glad to see your adolescence to ridiculous extremes and come to her as I’m thinking about it. Let’s me and pushes me to succeed. She’s the drink ‘til you can’t see? move on. only living being I would handle feces for. Gavin: What’s the best place to play in SF? Jimmy: A jealous dog once ate the ass out Trey: I have to say Jimmy and Cecil. Cecil: 16th and Mission BART (Bay Area of my jeans while I slept in a strange bed. I They’re the ones I drink with and they’re Rapid Transit station). didn’t realize it until I was walking down the ones who make me laugh until I wanna Trey: El Rio. Hands down. the street later and felt a chill on my bum. piss my pants. Jimmy: El Rio, because it’s preserved all Luckily I had a flannel and tied it around the craziness of the last ten years. my waist, concealing the cheeks. The dog Don’t be a dumb drunk. Be a smart drunk Gavin: How about the worst place? got the last laugh. and pick up the new album from The Bar Jimmy: Munky’s Unkle in SOMA (South Gavin: Thinking back on your long and Feeders. You just may be in one of their of Market, an area in San Francisco). illustrious career, you guys have hit the songs. highs and felt the lows. Tell the kids some 43 FORMER germs’ MANAGER NICOLE PANTER
Three films that helped us survive puberty in small Western towns: Suburbia, Repo Man and the first Decline of the Western Civilization. Getting into punk rock late (we were only 10 in 1980, how would we know that metal is just bad punk rock?), after many watershed bands had broken up, the films helped capture a time and place vital to our own make-it-up-from-the- coasts culture. One of the main figures in Decline was Nicole Panter, the manager of the legendary Germs, interviewed in a mysterious location, she got across the desperation and glory of the punk scene as good as any book, photo or lyric has. We interviewed her over 20 years later about Darby, Gary Panter and Pee Wee Herman, and to dispel some myths.
Interview by Speedway Randy and Todd Taylor Randy: When did you move to LA? LA punks I knew later were at that show. Italian man who got lucky. My mother mar- Nicole Panter: I left Palm Springs when I I got into UCLA, my grades and SATs ried him when I was six months old. She was fourteen. When you’re a kid, you can’t were really high. I powered through UCLA was a teenager when she had me and was 37 see past where you are at that moment. in a couple of years in anthropology, not years younger than him. I never met my real Later you see depression is finite, being any big thing. Then I moved to Marin father. I don’t look like the rest of my fami- broke is finite. I was acting out against a County, lived in a cabin in the woods. I ly – I’m blue-eyed and they’re all brown- horrible childhood as a bohemian weirdo in cleaned houses and got food stamps and eyed. He was sent over here from Italy at a small Republican town. Palm Springs hitchhiked all over the place. the turn of the century. He had a hot dog wasn’t the gay paradise it is now – its karma An underground scene started to happen cart on the South side of Philadelphia. One is really biting it in the ass. up there, but there wasn’t really a name for day he got some steak ends, fried them up Randy: What did you do then? it. Mabuhay Gardens was a Philipino night- with onions and put them on a bun. Then he Nicole: I graduated high school at fourteen. club and they were starting to have shows added cheese – this was going to be his You could do that back then with a certain one day a week. This drag queen named lunch, but a customer said, “I’ll have one of amount of credits. I had been in Quaker Mary Monday was hosting them. That was those.” It did well during the depression. school for years and got a great primary fun, but the Bay Area was still really hippie Todd: You became the manager of The school education. Then I was sent to public and I heard things were really interesting Germs by sitting outside a club and meeting school and what should have been sixth down here so I came back. I got an apart- Darby Crash? grade became ninth grade. I was three years ment on Beachwood for $75 a month. And a Nicole: Outside The Music Machine, which younger than everybody and I hated it. So I job at a gallery in Beverly Hills – not paint- is here on Pico. I don’t remember whose found a loophole: as long as I got enough ings, it a 1970s art novelty gallery. In the show. My little historic exchange with credits I could get out of there. I went to meantime I hooked up with the punk rock Darby is pretty well documented. “Hey school from 7:00 in the morning to 4:30 in crowd. I’d seen a Slash magazine and Nicole, buy me a beer.” “Oh go fuck your- the afternoon and took a class every night at become friends with Claude Bessy self. What do I look like, your servant?” the local junior college for high school cred- (Kickboy Face) and Philomena. They were “Do you want to manage us?” I was like, it. Within a year and a half I was out of like my punk parents. “Sure, I don’t know how to do that. I’ll give there. My parents were so obsessed with Todd: So is it true your Dad created the it a whirl.” I didn’t have the confidence in each other that they hardly even noticed I Philly Cheesesteak? myself, thanks to Pat the King of Steaks, to was gone. (laughs) Nicole: He was my stepfather. I thought he think I could be an artist. But I knew I could Me and some friends would hitchhike was my father until I was eighteen, then I do business and I knew I could organize into LA to go to concerts. I went to the found out the truth. He was called Pat, the them and bring some discipline into the Bowie Diamond Dogs show at the King of Steaks. He was like Jake La Motta equation. At that point, the Germs couldn’t Universal Amphitheater. And I later found in Raging Bull – a mean, brutal out that many many other first generation
44 get shows because their fans would trash the broken glass thing when all place every time they played. else failed. “I’m glad we played our Randy: So you were their first manager? two songs!” He smeared peanut butter all prior April. He went to England, I’m not Nicole: Yes. The guy who put out their first over himself because Iggy Pop did it. When quite sure what happened there. He came record claims to have been their manager. they couldn’t play they resorted to smoke and visited me when he got back; we were But that’s news to me – the first time I and mirrors. Even looking at the film still friends. He understood why I quit. It heard that was maybe five years ago. Darby Decline, which is hard to do because that’s had stopped being fun. Also, my husband at certainly never mentioned them ever being not the Darby I remember, that wasn’t all the time was a very timid kind of guy and managed by anyone. the time. I told him to not get too fucked up he would freak out because the gigs were Todd: What were your duties as manager? when they were filming the shows, because rowdy and dangerous and I was right in the Nicole: Partially being the authority figure, it’s on film. middle of it. One of the last shows at the saying you guys have to do this now. If you In terms of deification, it’s the same Whisky there was a kid in the audience who practice I can get you shows. I was getting way people my age, although I’m not one of started a fire. One of the bouncers came them an enormous amount of money for the them, deified the Beats. Jack Kerouac was a down the stairs and across time – $1000 per show. I set the stage. Pat raised his gui- up the publishing company, Darby and his spider, from The Decline of Western Civilization tar to hit the bouncer. I which is still operational and jumped in the middle and paying out money to Pat and yelled at Pat. My husband to Darby’s heirs. I did the deal was at the show and later he with Slash. I am the one who said I had to quit or else. I came up with ‘GI,’ I remem- was like, you know, you’re ber the moment. It was initial- right. (laughs) That was a ly a fake band name so I could really bad moment. Why am get gigs from clubowners I trying to protect a kid and a who’d been burned by their bouncer? So I quit. I was fans. If I went to a club and also getting bored with it. said The Germs want to play The band wasn’t progressing here, they would say, “The and I didn’t want to be a last time they played they tore band manager. a toilet out of the men’s room. Randy: It wasn’t exactly Cost me a fortune to fix it.” I like a job. said I was going to tell Nicole: No. It was like hav- clubowners I was representing ing a bunch of really badly a band with a following called behaved children. Plus GI. Darby asked what it stood Darby and Pat and Lorna for. And Germs Incognito just really disliked Don Bolles, popped out of my mouth, and which was quite difficult to because it worked on a couple work around. Not that I had of different levels, it stuck. It (or have) any affection for was a great prank. The best Don Bolles but it was just a elements about early punk are the pranks. fat, Republican drunk. He wasn’t the pain in the ass because the guy was the That’s what got lost when the beach punks, “coolest guy ever.” To deadheads, Jerry drummer. It got to the point where it the thrash kids, came in. For me it was Garcia was God. No, he was a chubby hero- seemed he was continually, intentionally about the humor, what kind of sly joke was in addict who had some inspired musical trying to bait Darby. Everything he did being pulled off. moments. The Germs didn’t end up evolv- pushed Darby’s buttons, and annoyed the Todd: What other kinds of pranks would ing. They never quite moved away from hell out of the rest of us and it was just The Germs do? Now everything is so dei- that early reputation of being a bunch of unpleasant. fied people aren’t sure what to laugh at. pests who no one took seriously because So Darby showed up at my door after Nicole: The Germs weren’t great they didn’t take their music that seriously. going to England. He looked like Robert pranksters, but what’s generally lost in What’s happened in the interim has DeNiro in Taxi Driver, in this khaki army translation is that the entire first generation been sort of shocking to me. It’s because we jacket even though it was warm out, with was imbued with this sly humor. What peo- got one good record out and the movie. this huge mohawk and Adam Ant paint on ple think existed is not even a fascimile. Then Darby died. It might as well be written his face. I was like, what is going on? He This was a band that every other band in in stone. had a big picture button of himself and he town hated. Hated them. Because they knew Todd: Can you tell us how Darby died and was on roller skates. (laughs). He skated if they came to the gig the fans would break if you could foresee it happening? through two rooms and stopped himself on things. A lot of other bands were very seri- Nicole: Darby’s death was a suicide, not an the back door and said, “Whoa, I’m not too ous about what they were doing. They knew accidental overdose as has been misreport- good on these things.” The Germs wouldn’t practice. Darby would ed. When Darby died, in December, I had We didn’t talk about anything impor- do the peanut butter and quit the band the tant. He talked about Adam Ant a lot. “No no, it’s not what you think, it’s 45 Including, basically, Pat’s guitar falling the company which produced the record and apart. (laughs) I knew there was no way to okay.” I said, “Darby – ‘Ant Music for Ant the movie. This guy named Jerry convince the metal band to lend us their People??’” (laughs) That’s not what we’re Weintraub, who had been partners with guitar. It was over. I started to cry. Pat about. I think he had a crush on Adam, but Frank Sinatra, owned the rights. Many years grabbed me by the shoulders and shouted, who knows? At this point, I didn’t even later when Slash put the anthology out they “It’s not my fault!” I said “I know, I’m not know he was gay. Darby’s sex life wasn’t wanted to know who held the rights to blaming you.” And I ran out into the something that interested me in any way, them, but the songs had been taped over or Chinatown night, crying. Pat ran after me shape or form. I’d been with Gary Panter something. Years after that, when I was crying, “That’s why I hate girls. They cry! for years, and before him I was with Johnny teaching at CalArts, Julie Weintraub, who is They cry!” We go back into the club and the Stingray of the Controllers. It never occured the adopted daughter of the guy who owned executives are gone; they’re history. to me to ask about it, to gossip about it. the rights, was one of my students and I Then they call two weeks later and say There was a clique of teenage girls who fol- explained the situation to her and she tried they realized it was bad luck, and they’re lowed Darby around like a little flock of to help find them, but they were gone. really interested in the band, is there some-
Every once in a while, I’ll get a call from a fucked up kid and I’ll say, “Look, Darby fucked up – he killed himself and his enemies are writing the history of his life. Do you want that to happen to you?” geese. I’m sure they all knew every thing you can do? So I tried to get a nuance of his personal life, but that show at the Masque. They said they wasn’t something I cared about. The could do a July 4th party. So we have Adam Ant thing might have signalled this thing and the executives come something to me, because it sure was- again. The Germs are playing and n’t about the music! (laughs) within fifteen seconds someone starts Todd: On the business side of it, if letting off firecrackers in this low ceil- The Germs were such an unwieldly ing basement club. I don’t know if band live, how did they get on the these executives were on drugs or soundtrack of the film Cruising? what, but they were standing in the Nicole: William Friedkin, the direc- middle of it totally pogoing, totally tor, had his ear to the ground about into it. I thought, oh my God, we got what was happening. Have you seen the gig. (laughs) The show was over; the movie? It’s pretty hardcore, and the band was at its chaotic best. The he wanted the most hardcore band. It executives shake my hand, tell me was amazing. The Germs ended up we’ve got it and in my mind, I’m working with Jack Nietszche, who spending the money – I’m thinking was the engineer on all of Phil new amps, new guitars, new every- Spector’s “wall of sound” stuff, like thing. the Crystals, the Ronettes. He was in Darby and Michelle, from Decline Two weeks pass and I don’t hear huge legal trouble at the time. He had from the main executive. Three weeks this girlfriend who had been Neil Young’s We were also approached by John pass. I call and he says, “Oh, I’m sorry. I girlfriend, and the mother of one of Peters to be the punk band in a Robbie meant to call you. John Peters and Paul Young’s children. They had this sick rela- Benson movie – which we wanted terribly! Jabara, this disco king producer, want to tionship, she tried to leave him, and he put a It would have been money to buy new play the punk band. They thought it was so gun up her snatch and threatened her. She equipment. Peters was a huge producer; he cool what you guys were doing that they called the cops and he was charged with had been Barbara Striesand’s hairdresser. want to have a go at it.” It was horrible. rape. This was at the apex of his legal trou- The line producer called me up. I don’t Randy: And now tickets to see X are $35. bles when Cruising happened. We were sit- know how he got my number. He asked Nicole: Oh, please. X is the Sha Na Na of ting in the room with this guy. The band when The Germs were playing. They were my generation. (laughs) knew he was a major player in the record interested in using them for the movie. They Todd: I have a “ten year old” rule. If you industry and they knew about the gun thing. would make $5000. Amps, guitars, maybe don’t write or perform a song that is less So, we’re sitting there, too shy to say any- they’ll actually learn how to play! than ten years old, you are a revival band. thing and to break the ice. Jack goes, “Does So we convinced a heavy metal band, a Even if you’re always having a last show. anyone here have any Percodan?” Then one hair band, that was doing a gig at the Hong Nicole: The Sex Pistols, too. What the of us asked him about the publicity he was Kong Cafe, to let us go on before them, fuck? Of all the people in the international getting at that moment and he said, “Well, unannounced. These executives would be punk scene, Johnny Lydon seemed to be the you know, any publicity is good publicity.” there. Only a few Germs fans knew about it one with some kind of integrity about what We recorded a bunch of songs. We had because it would have been a disaster. But he did. Like, we’re not going to go back no rights to those songs and we knew that there, of course, are the few most faithful, there. His wife is an heiress to a huge for- going in. They could do whatever they the most pogoing-est ones right up in front. tune. I guess at some point I’ll do a tell-all wanted. They used maybe two of the five So, the Germs take the stage, and within fif- book and be a big sellout. Why not? songs we recorded in the movie. The other teen seconds every kind of clusterfuck you Randy: Did people forget about three went into a vault at Management 3, can imagine happens.
46 The Germs or was it a legend that just endured? Then this guy named Roger was Nicole: I was unaware for a really long time trumping himself as a director and aligned himself with Brendan. Then they split up ramifications, and this is one of the reasons that anyone even knew who The Germs I don’t talk to a lot of people about The were outside of LA. I went on tour with the and Roger went on to write a script with Michelle Baer, who was in Decline with Germs, and when I do I don’t push the myth Gun Club in England in the late ‘80s and that’s being pushed now. I try to debunk the there was a kid in the audience. I was sitting Darby in the kitchen, one of the original Darby-ette girls. She was always a good deification thing – I’m haunted by the possi- at the merchandise table, and he looked like bility that Darby’s suicide may have pushed he could’ve been Darby Crash. “The Germs friend of mine but we had lost touch. We talked about the script. It was badly written who knows how many unhappy kids to will never die” was written on his jacket. I make the decision to commit suicide. I grabbed him and talked to him. I came back know it has happened. I don’t believe that to this country in the early ‘90s, I didn’t Kurt Cobain committed suicide because know what kids were looking like or listen- Darby Crash did. But I do believe that ing to. Slash put out their anthology and Darby’s suicide might have made the idea a asked me to write something. I wrote about little more palatable to him. I suspect that’s the kid in England. probably the case for hundreds of other When I got back from living abroad, unhappy kids. I don’t think you have to Alison Anders contacted me and did about whitewash the universe but certain things ten hours of an interview with me. She like teenage suicide shouldn’t be glorified. wrote a script about Darby and sent it to me. Every once in a while, I’ll get a call from a I hated it. It did not resemble anything I’d fucked up kid and I’ll say, “Look, Darby experienced. It was more like hippies in fucked up – he killed himself and his ene- punk clothes. I wrote her a letter that was mies are writing the history of his life. Do probably way too harsh. She actually you want that to happen to you?” That Feral thanked me for being as frank as I was. House book, I’m sure has him rolling over Then the project got dropped, and that fell Nicole Panter as the manager of the Germs (above) and now (below). in his grave. He couldn’t stand Don Bolles apart. She at one point said to me, “What do and that’s whose name is on the cover as you think of Madonna playing you?” Which author. of course I loved, I thought it was hilarious. Todd: I can understand being happy about Then they fell out. I think Tarantino was something in your past. But the thing that involved in discussions with her at some gets me is that attitude of, not only is what point. This is when they were doing Four we did cool, but you can never recreate it. Rooms together. Why not do your own thing? Then Brendan Mullen and, rest in Nicole: There’s a really weird adrenaline peace, Rik L Rik of Negative Trend were charge knowing that you’re treading on gonna write a script. I wasn’t going to coop- unbroken ground. When I say to someone, erate because I don’t like Brendan. But Rik “Why are you so interested in this? Go out called and begged me to talk to them. I and make your own subculture,” it has more adored Rik so I did. As I answered the ques- to do with that. There is no cooler thing tions in a way Brendan didn’t like, he began than knowing, “What I’m doing now hasn’t turning red and sputtering. He had an ace in been done before.” I guess to a certain the hole – Darby’s mother had signed her extent rap is the last thing that has done rights to him and her version of events is that. The media is a virus. We had this real- way different than everybody else’s. At the ly amazing moment right before MTV. Like time the spin was starting. She said she now, if there’s a funnel cloud in 29 Palms, sewed the band’s punk uniforms for them. within ten minutes, Newschopper 2 and My memory is sneaking into Darby’s house everything else is there. It’s the same cultur- with her buried behind a wall of stuff. It ally, too; the slightest little buzz about was a bag lady’s shopping cart in an apart- something and it is like white on rice. So ment. There was definitely some kind of there’s not really an opportunity, unless it’s thing going on in there. She would scream, some kid in Dubuque somewhere... “Are you drunk, you little bastard?!?” We’d Todd: (raises hand) I’ve been to Dubuque. go into Darby’s room and shut the door. and I told her if one of my students handed That’s out. (laughs) Brendan knew he had to keep her good will. Nicole: For me, “go find your thing” is not At this point I’m telling the story about it in to me I would flunk them. Aside from the fact that it didn’t capture anything that like “this was mine,” it’s, “look, there is sneaking into the house and he starts to nothing that will get you higher than know- scream at me, (in Irish accent) “Well, she was the world as we knew it. I look back at Darby with much fond- ing you are doing something that no one has was a single mother doing the best she done yet.” could!” Rik put his hand on Brendan’s arm ness and regret. Darby’s suicide was one of the most terrible things that happened to me In 1993, I was hired to teach at CalArts. and said, “Let her tell her story.” That was I had been writing short stories. The first about ten years ago. Then Brendan and Rik in my life. I missed the signals totally. I was too involved in my own life. The larger day I taught this fiction class called fell out. FTWDIY about writing short stories and self-publishing. Punk writing 47 – short and to the point. Sixty people Dreaming. A decent L.A. punk showed up for the first class. I gave my book hasn’t been written yet. Everyone spiel about what the class is going to be. I who’s tried has had an agenda that didn’t her? The Flipside cover girl. She gave it to asked if there were any questions. After a serve the subject well. me to wear in the Pee Wee show. Of course few moments someone asked, “Yeah, what Randy: Did you want to talk about Gary I’ve lost it since. Too bad, there was so was Darby Crash like?” Then I knew that Panter? much history in that frock. all those kids were there for that. They were Nicole: He was part of the disco cocaine The Pee Wee show was conceived by all kids, some of whom were babes in arms crowd before I met him. He was ten years this girl Dawna Kaufman, who was an when Darby died. It was the movie and the older than me, and he’d grown up in a small aspiring producer at that point. She was record. town in Texas. He was a freak and a genius, hanging around the comedy scene, she Todd: What did the blue circle signify? and he drew compulsively. I never really wanted to do variety shows. She found Paul Nicole: It was a simple design. Darby used understand why his career didn’t take off Reubens doing his Pee Wee Herman char- to liken it to the swastika. He liked to say acter for five minutes between scene things to outrage people. All of changes at the Groundling his little girlfriends who used to Darby Crash, from The Decline of Western Civilization Theater. She was another follow him around were Jewish one who really had her ear girls from the Valley, so any to the ground and knew type of anti-Semitism he has Gary Panter was a talented been accused of is bullshit. He artist. She asked him to do a did say, “Hitler had a good poster for the Pee Wee design. It was simple and memo- show. Gary and I had just rable.” done a fashion feature for The record cover was New West. I got my inspired by Pablo Records, a jazz favorite punk friends in all label, which was putting out their great, creative punk really simple and beautiful cov- clothes. Trudy was wearing ers. I wanted the Germs cover to this see through thing with confound expectations. nothing underneath. These Everyone expected some crude little Hassidic boys were punky handdrawn thing. My idea hanging around the edges was it to be like a jazz record, of the shoot saying, “Hey simple and elegant on the out- Lady, are you a prostitute?” side, loud and raw on the inside. (laughs) We took pictures Todd: Whatever happened to for a cut and paste thing and Lorna Doom? I know she I wrote some text, what to migrated to New York. wear when the neutron Nicole: She, like me and Pat, bomb goes off. Dawna had didn’t want to talk about things seen this piece of writing for a long time. My ex-husband and I got in on the show. I and I used to go to New York for art stuff. like it should have. He was a groundbreak- created the Susan character and the writers There was a big party and Lorna and Gary, er. As always happens with the person who were the actors. Then we got the HBO her boyfriend, showed up. She was going to was the innovator, it’s the people who pick thing. It was really great because a lot of beauty school at the time. She had parrots up the flag get the big bucks for it. really talented people were involved. We she was keeping; both she and Pat loved I met him through the Soap Plant. I was were all supposed to share equally in the parrots. Gary was another Riverside run- working there and Gary did these t-shirts I profits. Everybody got screwed except Pee away and somehow he and Lorna ended up really liked. There was an art opening and I Wee. He had been quietly going to lawyers as a couple. He was fourteen when he saw this geeky guy and for some reason I while the rest of us were doing things on a showed up at our doorstep. He pursued her just knew I would marry that guy. (laughs) I handshake. Dawna Kaufman should have for years. Lorna had a big scandalous affair walked up and took his glasses off and been a wealthy woman today and she’s not. with John Doe right in the middle of X’s kissed him. I said, “You don’t know me but Todd: What’s ironic is his Hollywood star popularity. She was the one “White Girl” is I’m gonna marry you.” And the rest is sort says Pee Wee Herman – not Paul Reubens. about. She was kinda wrecked after that. of miserable history. (Laughs) I’m not a Nicole: And that was his battle cry: “I can After Darby died, she and Gary hooked up. good housewife. Too much pressure. do other things, I’m not just Pee Wee.” But Gary was the bass player in Joan Jett’s Todd: How did you become a “cool consul- when presented with the opportunity he band. He’s now a carpenter in tant” on Pee Wee’s Playhouse? What does always fell back on Pee Wee. Pennsylvania, and she stayed in New York. that entail? She’s an artist/photographer and she comes Nicole: I ended up contributing to the writ- Nicole Panter is the author of two books, out here in the winter when it gets cold. ing. I created the character I played in it, Mr. Right On and Other Stories Randy: Are there any books about that era Susan. I actually wore the dress that Fayette (Incommunicado) and Unnatural Disasters: that you do like? from The Cockettes wore and then Tomata Recent Writings from the Golden State Nicole: Fucked Up and Photocopied is Du Plenty (of The Screamers) wore in a (Incommunicado). She teaches writ- great. I like Please Kill Me a lot. California drag act in Seattle. Trudy wore the dress in ing at Cal Arts and the American Hardcore. I like England’s all the punk pictures, do you know Film Institute.
49 Interview by Todd Taylor & Paddy Costello All pictures by Todd WE’RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW GOOD WE’RE PLAYING, BUT NOT IN A DICK WAY. I know jack shit about kung-fu, except Sho: Vocals Sho: Like, at that time, we were listening to what I’ve seen on video and that I really Takashi: Guitar high-energy music and Hideo was listening liked the Thundercats when I was growing Hideo: Guitar to garage rock. We were are all friends. up. Sweet J.A.P. are the musical equivalent Yuichiro: Drums Why don’t we do it? of Bruce Lee made out of five components, Ben “Tsutomu”: Bass Todd: What about Do-It-Yourself culture that when they get challenged or pissed off, do you like? Why do you put out your own combine forces, raise hell, and enforce Todd: Why did you guys come to stuff out and go with a reputable, smaller musical justice. Sweet J.A.P.’s mission? Minneapolis and not stay in Japan? label like Big Neck? Smashing the genre line between hardcore Hideo: The main reason was that we all Hideo: In Japan, everything’s so hard. But and garage. Sho’s vocals zip, careen, and came here because of school. here, you have options. You can do it your- rattle around like a bunch of pissed off bees Todd: Individually, what did you guys do self. You can make a record if nobody in a glass jar. Hideo and Takashi’s guitars for school? wants to put out your stuff. sound like stapled-together cats being hur- Hideo: I came here for high school first, Todd: So, who runs Nice and Neat tled through a bundle of barbed wire at fan- then went to art school. Oil painting and Records? tastic speeds. Not merely flashing swords print making. Hideo: I do. with no impact, Ben’s bass and Yuichiro’s Todd: Are you involved with your album’s Todd: And you started Nice and Neat drums give the songs a wide stance that artwork? because of the band you were in before, rivets them to the ground while maintaining Hideo: No. I say “good,” “bad,” or “change Real Estate Fraud? that precious balance. Acres of strength in this.” Hideo: Yes. It’s doing okay. We aren’t every blow. Put the animal-machine all Todd: More of an art director. making money, but we’re breaking even. together and the sum is not just pure meaty Takashi: I came here for studying biology. Paddy: It almost seems like you’re one of mass with quick feet, but over half the I’m in the process of getting a degree in it. the patron saints of the Twin Cities. punches, you never see coming. They Sho: I studied art. Photography. Everybody knows Hideo. You’re one of crash, roil, serrate and virtually chew the Todd: Are those your photos – of the those checkpoint guys, for getting a show or listener’s ears with equal doses of melody microphone in the mist on the cover of a record distributed. That’s why it seems and chaos. Virgin Vibe? like you jumped in with both feet into DIY Live, they up the ante even more. Oh my. Sho: Yes, and of the chair. America. Have you ever imagined that loud music Paddy: You’re still in school, aren’t you? Todd: I have a philosophical question. was, literally, a disease that could be trans- Sho: Yes. But I’m taking a long break. What do you think has affected Japanese ferred via shock waves off of the speakers? Todd: What was it about punk rock that culture more – Godzilla or the fact that From the first note, Sweet J.A.P. is a full-on made you want to start a band in America, America bombed you with nuclear hurricane of limbs and lunges, with brief because I don’t think any of you were weapons? smiles between songs. And it’s not that syn- involved with punk rock prior to coming to Hideo: Both. Godzilla was Japanese hi-tech chronized ballerina, “look, I don’t have a America. Is that true? at that time. At the same time, after the guitar cord so I can pirouette” stuff either. Sho: I wasn’t. bomb, everyone had to work hard and make It’s being possessed, reclaiming designer Todd: Was it the timing for it? Meeting it back. And that’s how the Japanese econo- rock by breaking furniture over the backs of like-minded people? my built up. dilettantes, and stating, in no uncertain Sho: I think it was more timing. Todd: Were anybody in your immediate terms, “your ass has just been served back Takashi: Timing and the fact that we love family involved in those bombings? 50 to you as a hat.” listening to punk rock. All: No. Todd: Is it true that since the nuclear bomb- punk rock at all, like Electric Eel Shock, split 7” with Das Boot. We contacted them. ings, that Japan is one of the foremost The Urchin, or Screaming Fat Rat? I kind of knew them before. I’m putting out nations supporting a nuclear weapons ban? Hideo: Takashi and I do. another split with the Soviettes (see issue Sho: Right now, that issue is a big deal. Paddy: You guys just did a show with #16’s cover) and the Havenot’s, another They tried to change the Constitution Electric Eel Shock a month ago. Japanese band. I knew Havenot’s by con- against war for a long time. But now, Todd: Did the drummer still only wear his tacting them. they’re like, “Maybe we should change it.” sock? Todd: In what ways is Minneapolis like Paddy: Wasn’t that one of the outcomes of Hideo: [laughter] Yes. We played with Japan? World War II, that there couldn’t be an them in New York. It was funny. It was on Takashi: Segregated. offensive Japanese army – solely defensive a cold night, in the dark, and he was sewing Paddy: That’s crazy, because I always – which has got to set a mindset viewed Japan as being not very in time? segregated at all, but that’s also Hideo: We have a self-defensive from a fat, stupid honkey per- army, but now it’s a big thing. If spective. I’ve been there three North Korea attacks Japan, we weeks out of my entire life. can defend ourselves and not Takashi: Japan is an island. attack back. So, that’s why I think Minnesota is kind of an island, they’re talking about an offensive too. It’s far away from many army in Japan. other big cities. Paddy: Would any of that affect Hideo: And we both like drink- any of you? ing beer. Hideo: They don’t do a draft. Paddy: And how. Paddy: I just didn’t know. I’ve Todd: What is the largest sacri- met punks from Israel who are fice you made to be in this band? basically on the run because if Did you have to give anything they were found out, they would up or did you have extra time have to go back and be in the and you wanted to do something army for two years. new? Todd: What is one Japanese say- Hideo: Takashi and I, we are ing that you really like but it has- happy to spend time on the band. n’t been translated into American For Sho, it was half band, half very well? school. Now, we are making him Takashi: In English, “There is no spend more time on the band. medicine for stupid people.” Is Paddy: Sho, you just moved there a saying in the US? I think back from New York. How was that’s very great. [laughter] that, in general? Todd: What was the hardest tran- Sho: I didn’t like New York sition of coming to America and much. It’s all MTV. I think the living here? What was the one mayor, Giuliani, did a great job thing you weren’t prepared for? way too much and it’s so safe Sho: I think we all still deal with everywhere, so girls can walk it. Communication problems. down the street at five in the When I speak English, when I morning, no problem. So, it’s speak Japanese, it’s a little differ- safe and it’s good, but at the ent. I’m still having to struggle same time, they lost a lot of sub- with that. I think a lot of interna- cultures. I didn’t find many sub- tional people have that trouble, cultural things going on. too. I didn’t prepare or know Paddy: That’s funny because about that. you said that like a true New Takashi: Same thing. If I say Yorker. Honestly, half of my something in English, I’m basi- family lives in New York City cally making a miscommunica- and that’s exactly what they tion to people. I always try to complain about. It took away avoid that: miscommunication. what New York is. It’s safe for Todd: Is that why you guys don’t tourists now, sure, but it’s not have any song lyrics in your liner New York anymore. notes? Sho: Everybody’s Brittney Sho: I started singing when I was twenty- up his sock by himself on a corner. Spears. Even hipsters there, they have a lot five and I didn’t have any experience. And Paddy: I have noticed, specifically in of money. It’s so different from here and I then I just had a hard time making lyrics. Minneapolis, literally since you guys have like here better. Sixty percent of the time I have lyrics. been a band, there have been a lot more Paddy: As foreign as Minneapolis is to [laughter] Japanese bands coming through town. I Japan, would you say New York is as for- Todd: Do you change your lyrics a lot? think you guys, single-handedly, have put eign to Minneapolis? In some ways, do you Sho: No, I don’t. Das Boot in the American vernacular. I feel like you’ve been to three different Todd: How much do you switch up, don’t think very many people would know countries? singing in Japanese and English? who they were, at all. Is that something that Sho: Structurally, New York looks like Sho: Mainly, English. Maybe, now, I’m just kind of happens? Do Japanese bands Tokyo, but inside it’s different. Tokyo has thinking half Japanese, half English. That’s tend to get in touch with you or is that subculture and a lot of crazy stuff going on. how I feel most comfortable. something you actively try to foster? New York, I didn’t see much. Todd: Do you follow current Japanese Hideo: We try to. That’s how we did the Todd: Does the whiskey 51 scream anything else besides “Drink Me! be the “Jap Pop” sections, there’d be the but I was using the phrase that I got from Drink Me!”? (Whiskey Screaming Drink “Jap Hardcore.” Sometimes it would be over there. It was force of habit. Me Drink Me is the name of the band that abbreviated to save space, but sometimes it Hideo: The Japanese people are racist, if all but one member of Sweet J.A.P. are in.) seems that that’s just a common phrase. you didn’t know. Hideo: “Puke me. Puke me.” [laughter] “Jap.” If I referred to you as, “My Jap Paddy: [joking] Oh, I’m on to you. Todd: Have you guys ever been accused of friend,” would you find that offensive? Todd: Have any of you read Haruki being racist? If people don’t know you’re Hideo: No. It’s probably a little bit of a Murakami? Japanese, and you say the word “Jap,” peo- racist word in English. We didn’t grow up All: No. ple may take offense to that. with English words, so it’s just another Todd: Dang. He’s a great author. Hideo: It’s never happened to me. English word for me. Takashi: He’s a very popular author in the Paddy: Actually, I’d like to clear up one Paddy: It’s just so weird. I could never get United States. thing. I don’t know if you guys have noticed it straight. It blew my mind because every- Sho: A lot of photo teachers here tell stu- since you’ve been here, but “Jap” here is a thing over there that I saw was “Jap” some- dents, “Read Haruki Murakami.” derogatory term. If you said, “I was hanging thing. I found that when I came back, talk- Paddy: Really? For photography? around with my Jap friends,” that’s deroga- ing to people about “Japcore,” every now Sho: I think how he describes things. tory. But I noticed in Japan, when I looked and then, I’d see someone kind of make a Todd: He’s extremely imagistic. through sections of record bins, there would face like what I said was totally offensive, Sho: He helps visual artists, in a way. Paddy: Are there any bands or authors, in Japan, that are the staples, everybody knows them, and you’re surprised that over here, people just don’t know who they are? Hideo: Music-wise, many bands don’t release anything outside of Japan. It’s hard. Paddy: I was just thinking of an ironic twist that could very well happen after these tours that you guys are doing. Obviously, at least from a lot of people I know, you guys are definitely – I hate the term – but a buzz band. It’s a really good record and now you’re going out on tour. I think your live show is really the clincher. I’m just wonder- ing if it’s going to weird you out if one day you wake up and you are actually a popular band in America but nobody in Japan knows who you are. Hideo: Usually, anything that gets big in the US will get big in Japan. Sho: If we were to become big here, I think people would find out. Paddy: I’ve thought of that before, and I’ve actually seen the opposite. I’ve noticed that if you’re really big in America, you can get at least known in Japan and also Europe, but if you’re even just shy of really big in America – if you’re just kind of popular or well-known – it kind of doesn’t mean shit in Japan. I know, one time, when Dillinger Four were going over there, Avail was com- ing two months later and people were ask- ing us who Avail was and it was really weird because it was very definitely already a point, even if you didn’t like Avail, every- one in the States knew, vaguely, what they sounded like. And they are huge. Balzac is my big example to bring up. I love Balzac but I found out about them when I was over there and when we came back, I found out they’re playing stadiums and selling tennis shoes with their names on them. They’re lit- erally nothing here. I’d be surprised if they sell a thousand copies of anything here. What I’m asking here is, where’s the dark secret? Who are those bands from Japan that you guys have in mind when you’re playing from Japan that people might not know here? You just told me about the Jet Boys. I went out and bought a couple of singles and said, “Man, this is fucking great. I see a little bit of Sweet J.A.P.” It’s not like you guys sound like them, but I can see a kind of an influence. Is into a show, and they’re very proper, but the minute the music starts, they’ll go fucking ape shit. They’re all over each other’s heads, going bananas, and swinging from the rafters. Was it like that for you guys? In some ways, you guys have that now. If somebody met you guys twenty minutes before you played, they would think you guys would get up and play some sort of art rock, because you’re almost dignified in the way you are, but when you play, you’re absolutely ape shit and it’s obviously gen- uine. It’s not like you guys have an act. Hideo: Japanese parents are more strict. “You can do this, you cannot do that” type of thing. If you do the same thing here, they might call it child abuse. In Japan, parents can hit kids. School teachers used to be able to hit kids. Paddy: Do they still do that? Hideo: No. Paddy: But when you guys went to school, you could still get hit by your teachers? Sho: All the time. [laughter] Paddy: And all three of you were? All: Yes. Hideo: In school, we have to clean our classroom. If you skip cleaning and the teacher finds you… [makes the sound of a cracking ruler] Todd: What do your parents do? Takashi: My dad is a roofer. Sho: My dad runs a timber company. Buying trees from market. Making trees into lumber. Hideo: When they get married, they’ll have a nice house. [laughter] Sho: Totally. Hideo: My dad used to direct TV shows and now he produces them. He directed one of the Ultraman shows. Todd: Name a childhood game you played in Japan that isn’t in America. Takashi: You decide that one person is the there anything else like that? culture people, they don’t listen to Melt devil. Hideo: King Brother. They have a full Banana and listen to some different noise Sho: And the devil tries to catch you. length out in the US. They’re good. band. Onigokko. Havenot’s. Live, they’re great. Firestarter. If Paddy: It seems like Japanese culture is Paddy: What does that literally translate to? you’re a geek, people like it. Teengenerate’s very respectful and proper and that’s the Sho: “Pretend like you’re a fake devil.” new band. kind of thing some people may think I’m Todd: Sho, do you have a stinking throat? Paddy: Teengenerate, actually, were proba- kind of bigoted saying, but I’m speaking, Sho: What’s that? bly the biggest that I’ve known of as far as specifically, of being in Japan. I’ve never Todd: It’s a quote I found. Someone said garage bands from Japan. When they were had an altercation or a confrontational situa- that you had a “stinking throat” – how you around, everybody in America knew who tion with people. Even in certain things sing. Maybe because you sing really raspy? they were. when there should be, well, when I was Sho: Especially before the recording. I Hideo: The funny thing in Japan – they walking around naked on the sidewalk. practiced so much and my voice got really, were not that big when they were around. Everybody acted like they didn’t know what really screwed up. Now, they broke up, so people know about was going on. Todd: What is a “Virgin Vibe”? them. I’ve noticed that about the subcultures, Takashi: It was our first album, so we Paddy: I’ve noticed that with Melt Banana. too. I met one girl in Tokyo who was really though, okay, “virgin.” And then “vibe” – They’re huge here, but when I’ve been to into performance art and that was her scene. no longer virgin. Japan, I’ve seen their name on flyers and It seemed like it was underground to a point Hideo: Then we thought of babies coming they’ll be a middle band on six band show, of almost acting like what you were doing up. [laughter] but they come here and they’re headlining a was illegal. I’ve always wondered about the Todd: This is something brand new to me 1,500 person capacity club in Manhattan. culture in Japan. It always seemed very and I know nothing about it, but do you That’s fucking nuts. But, uh, there’s no proper to me, the kind of proper that know anything about tentacle pornography: question in that. America couldn’t even pull off if we tried sex with an octopus? It’s Japanese. Frank Sho: I think the subculture is very deep in because we’re, essentially, a country full of Discussion and the Feederz had mentioned it. Japan. There’s a lot of layers of subculture. white trash. Is that pretty true? Japan seems Sho: That could happen in Japan. Sure. So, maybe Melt Banana is really hip or almost reserved, in a weird way, repressed, There’s no line. good for certain people, but for certain sub- almost. I’ll see the people waiting to get 53 Paddy: To open it up – because in my opin- that you guys are starting to get put in the Always, when we make something, we ion – England and Japan are the two crazi- garage scene in the States. I’ve noticed the can’t make regular garage rock. We make est countries I’ve seen personally, as far as way people write about you. You tend to be some weird mixture of wild things. fetishes. What’s the craziest fetish you listed as garage and rock’n’roll. The reason Hideo: We all like Teengenerate, but we know of from Japan? I liked you guys originally was when I don’t want to be another band like Takashi: Smelling used underwear. That’s described you to people: “I can’t really tell Teengenerate. There’s one in Japan already. crazy to me. But if I think of people’s desire if they’re a garage band or a hardcore Todd: Since the beginning, when you or your ego, why don’t you look for it for- band.” They’re both at the same time. formed in the beginning of 2000 as a band, ever? Of course, there is line of being a Obviously, there’ve been bands who have have you conscientiously changed anything human being or not. We can’t cross the line. tried – and have done – exactly that. Smash about it? Sweet J.A.P. doesn’t sound very Japanese people don’t do that. I don’t know Your Face from Japan. But you guys don’t much like Real Estate Fraud. why. seem like you’re anything like that. I’ve Hideo: Live-wise, we’ve always done the Todd: What is the most spectacular thing always wondered what type of band you same thing. When we started, I was the only that Japan has for sale in a vend- one writing music, but now ing machine? everybody puts their stuff in Hideo: Don’t they have one with together. I think it makes more underwear in a vending machine? variety, too. Paddy: I saw one of the under- Paddy: As aggro as you are pants vending machines and it live, you collectively are one of blew my fucking mind. But, I the most genuinely nice bands – was about to say the canned cof- and that’s not just coming from fee, though. Dude, Japan, I would me, that’s from friends of mine live there anytime, just for that. from out of state that have met It’s the best coffee in the world you. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve and it’s in a can for fifty cents. appreciated this one quote from Todd: You guys are very active Iggy Pop. He’s talking about on stage. What’s the worst injury how you kinda have to actually you’ve sustained when playing? spite the crowd and remember Sho: I think I was on Hideo one that nobody cares what you’re time and I did a total back break- doing because it gets you in a er onto the stage, hitting my head. train of mind where you’re Takashi: Sho hit me in the head going to act a way and be a cer- super bad. tain way that’s going to make a Sho: The microphone got stuck good show. When you guys are into the crowd, so I was trying to playing live, very specifically yank it back, and they pulled me. you three, and even though They let go, and the microphone Hideo says he doesn’t get hurt – hit his head. I’ve more than a few times seen Takashi: I don’t remember it so him go out into the crowd and well. [laughter] go off and not be especially con- Hideo: I don’t get hurt, myself, cerned of where his guitar may but I remember hitting Ben end up. I know this is a hard (bassist) in the face with my gui- question to answer. I know, for tar neck. me, when I play live, I’m ner- Paddy: I just want to point out, vous. I always am and the only for the record, that it’s funny you way I can get over that is to say that because I’d like to say almost get into an “us versus that I’ve seen Hideo hit Ben with them” mindset. Onstage, you his guitar neck about ten times. almost seem appreciative, but I’ll always remember the one: that’s only in between songs. you and Ben will be like Darth But then the minute you start Vader and Luke Skywalker with playing, you go absolutely, fuck- the light sabers to each other. I love that you guys thought you were. ing apeshit and “people will pay.” bring up the one time you did and I’ve seen Takashi: I feel like I’m in the band Inside Sho: We never decided to do it, but it hap- at least ten. Out, and I’m playing guitar with Dag Nasty, pened for some reason. Todd: Ben, the bassist, is the only with Teengenerate. That’s in my head. Hideo: As a band, we have so much energy, American in the band, correct? That’s the starting point. and we’re so happy on the stage. We think Hideo: Yes. Paddy: Inside Out, from LA, on Revelation we’re good, so we’re going to show you Todd: But his name is different on the Records? how good we’re playing, but not in a dick record. Tsutomu. Takashi: Yeah. way. Takashi: Yes. His name, on the record, Paddy: Crazy. Wow. Takashi: I can get a natural high. It’s basically means “diligent.” Takashi: But, then I will do my way. euphoric. Playing music excites. Sho: That’s what we tell him. He’ll never Sho: We always have a different type of Sho: I don’t like seeing a band who isn’t know the truth. [laughter] music, I think. I don’t listen to punk music feeling the music. Todd: If you could crash three bands much, personally. I listen to and like David Hideo: At the same time, I don’t like seeing together to make Sweet J.A.P., what three Bowie and Bikini Kill. When I’m on the a band who pretends that they’re bands are you putting in your head to make stage, I think I think of those kinds of into it but they’re not. the sounds that you make? bands, but always Teengenerate is some- Paddy: I wanted to bring up something like where in my head. The rest of the band that too, because the thing that’s weird is thinks of Sweet J.A.P. in a different way. 55 recordsrecords
InterviewInterview andand photosphotos byby Sean Carswell
A lot of interviews are done with punk rock bands, but not nearly enough atten- tion is paid to the people behind the scenes: the folks who set up shows, run DIY record stores, set up infoshops, put out zines, review records, and run record labels. These folks are the frame that holds the punk rock car together; they’re the gears that keep it running. By reading interviews with them, we can also glean some prac- tical knowledge. We can get a hint to help us answer the question: how can I get involved in this scene? So, doing my part to remedy this situation, I hunted down Var and Jennifer, the two people who run one of my favorite record labels, No Idea Records. No Idea has been around as either a zine, a record label, or both for over fifteen years. They’ve put out the first albums by big-name bands like Hot Water Music, Less Than Jake, and Against Me. They’ve supported some of my favorite lesser-known bands like Radon, Panthro UK United 13, the Grabass Charlestons, and Bitchin’. They also run one of the most reliable, well-stocked mail orders in the punk rock world. On my last trip to Florida, I drove up to Gainesville, to a weird old brick building that used to be lawyers’ offices and now houses No Idea HQ, and I talked to Var and Jennifer (when we could pull her away from her work) about how they manage to hold it all together and keep my ears happy.
Sean: No Idea started out as a zine. Tell me copies and pass them out for free. It was out of the graphic arts class. I learned so a little bit about that. such a staggering concept for me as a four- much that year, but I wasn’t a good book Var: The first issue came out in December teen year-old kid. I thought, wait a minute. learner. But it was a very strange, good of 1985. It started as a half-size zine. We Kids can do this? I always assumed that, to year. And from there, we just kept doing made most of the copies in a graphic arts do any kind of magazine, periodical, the zine. class in high school. Like most fanzines, it fanzine, record, anything, you had to be a In the second issue, we started inter- just got cobbled together. big company with big distribution. When I viewing bands. We didn’t have much of a Basically, the starting point for me saw young kids doing it themselves, it was filter. If a band was playing in town, we being involved in any do-it-yourself type pretty revolutionary. Late one night, I thought they must be a band worth talking stuff came from meeting a couple of people decided I wanted to do one of these. I just to. In the first few issues, we interviewed in high school, maybe ninth grade. This one wanted to be part of something. So Ken and some pretty rotten bands, but also some kid, Ken Coffelt, had done a bunch of pho- I worked on it for most of 1985 with a cou- really good ones. There were also people tocopied magazines that were twenty-four ple of friends of ours. A graphic arts who had been involved in the Gainesville or thirty pages. A lot of it was comics. He’d teacher caught wind of what we were up to. scene long before us who were really excit- actually gotten local stores to take out ads He let us come in after hours and use the ed to see new people wanting to do stuff. for fifteen or twenty bucks a piece. The ads equipment. We learned how to burn plates They were very encouraging. They gave us 56 more than paid to make the and run offset press. To be honest, I flunked a lot of advice and a lot of help. So yeah, the zine was started by myself Sean: How many of those early records are fanzine and I’d just pore through it, read and Ken. Ken was really an integral part of still in print? everything, read reviews, look for new it for the first three years. As we got out of Var: Radon’s really the only one. The music. At a point, I realized that I wasn’t high school and went on to other things, he Spoke one actually is on a CD, a collection doing that anymore. I think partially drifted away from it. CD. A lot of the stuff is still available, but because a lot of zines are kinda crappy. It’s Sean: When did you make the move from a not on the original record. a lot worse now where everyone will inter- zine to a record label? But around that time, that was really the view the same bands that you don’t care Var: The sixth issue we did came with a turning point. I was working a job and tak- about. So I just felt like I didn’t really read seven inch from a local band called ing all the money from that to do a zine and that many band interviews and I didn’t have Doldrum. That was really the beginning of do a label. And as there was more and more the spark to come up with questions to ask it. I found out that it wasn’t really that activity locally, there just came a point bands. expensive to something small and on As far as writing reviews, it came to your own. I realized through asking So I was asking myself, “Will I have a career workinghere? for a point where I was down at Jennifer’s other labels about what it would cost to someone else, and not really have that go anywhere apartment in Tampa, trying to write put something out. I didn’t have much Or do I say, ‘Fuck it,’ step out on my own, record reviews and I actually had stacks money. Still, the idea of putting out a and see what I can do?” of CDs. I played a little bit of each CD seven inch wasn’t as extreme and for- and put it in a stack. I had a stack of pop bidding as I thought. At the time, I punk. I had a stack of ska punk. I had a think it was something like, if I could stack of tough-guy, metal-y hardcore. I come up with five hundred bucks, I had a stack of spiky haired punk. And could put out a record. I didn’t have there would be the more interesting stuff five hundred bucks, but that was with- or stuff that really kicked ass. So I went in reason. I could conceive of it. It’s back and reviewed all the stuff that I not five million dollars or five hundred liked or that interested me, and then I thousand dollars. I realized that labels still had these stacks, literally fifty CDs can be just people doing it on their high, that may have been really good in own. So there were all these bands their own right but they’re all about the from here that we really liked, but same caliber, and how do you pick one? nobody had put out a piece of vinyl in Every now and then, one would jump seven years. I think Roach Motel was out at you. But then you’d have these the last one in maybe ‘84 or ‘85. There well-recorded, well-written, well-sung were a lot of bands that recorded tough guy metal or whatever, and you demos and put out tapes, but nothing could write the same review for fifty really beyond that. So we decided to records. That’s when I stepped away. put out a record with a zine – because And other people, like Al Quint of I’d heard of a couple of other zines Suburban Voice, that guy can review a that had done it – so we got our record. I could not do that anymore. I favorite local band at the time, actually have a lot of respect for people who do the most popular punk rock band in reviews regularly. It’s such a nightmare. Gainesville at the time, and we put it I’ve always had it in my head that out. It worked out really well. It I’d do a magazine again. People always seemed like more people bought the ask me, “Hey, when are you gonna do zine because it came with something. another one?” Aaron Cometbus, he’s And more people found out about the always on a crusade to get people to do band than would’ve otherwise. So we zines again, especially if they’ve done kept doing that over the next few them before. He’s always like, “Why issues. don’t you do another one?” I stop and Right around ‘90, ‘91, that’s when think, when am I gonna have two thou- the kids who’d moved to Gainesville sand hours worth of time to do a new to go to college were actually my zine? Realistically, you can’t take five peers, age-wise. I really felt like I was hours a week or an hour a day and do a part of something around that period, rather where one overtook the other. There was zine. It would literally take me five hours to than being always a little bit on the outside. never a direct intention to stop doing the do one page. Just doing the layout and pho- I was a lot more involved because my zine. Once the first Less Than Jake and Hot tocopying stuff and tweaking. But once you friends were the people starting these Water Music CDs came out in ‘96, things put your heart and soul into something like bands. For me, it was a re-awakening of the really changed. It came to a point where, that, you won’t leave it until it’s perfect. scene. That’s really when I just had to start the final zine I did, it was two years late. It And the thought of doing a hundred-page putting out more records. My friends were just felt done. Prior to that, every time I did zine makes my head explode. Like making these amazing recordings, and they a zine, there were a couple of interviews Razorcake, I couldn’t even conceive of were in bands that I really liked. The spirit that we got done at the last minute and doing something like that. was right. It felt urgent. So we did it. A lot couldn’t fit into the zine and they’d be a set Sean: Jennifer, how did you get involved in of these records, we’d make three hundred, up for the next issue. But when I did that No Idea? then we’d make two hundred more. That’s final one, I had a no extra interviews sitting Jennifer: I was working in a record store one of the big misnomers about Radon’s around. Not a whole lot of ads that we down in Tampa. I had been friendly with first seven inch. People are like, “It was owed people. It was just a really good point Var for several years, since I was buying pressed eight or nine times.” Yeah, it was, to step away from it. No Idea stuff for the store, but we had but a lot of those pressings were two or Also, at this point, I wasn’t as interest- never actually met in person until 1995. three hundred a piece. Even a record like ed. I didn’t really read fanzines’ band inter- Then, one autumn day in 1996, he made me that, we only made maybe three thousand views anymore. When I was younger, I’d an offer: “If you move to Gainesville, I’ll copies of. Probably less. get Maximum or Flipside or any local give you a job.” Intrigued by 57 the exciting prospect of long hours of work test where you could win them. But in old enough to know better. He called me up for no pay, I said goodbye to my job of six Florida, you could only win Jar Jar Binks. one day and said, “Hey, I found one. It’s in years and packed myself and my little dog And who the hell wants a six-foot Jar Jar? Pennsylvania.” The guy bought it from off to Gainesville. A friend of mine lived in Kansas, where someone in the States, and had that person Sean: I know, as a record label, you do a you could win the Darth Mauls, and he ship it to us. I thought it was all a big joke, lot to document the Gainesville scene, hooked me up with the coupons to win the but the guy came through. So I found as somewhat like what Dischord does with the thing. I filled out a couple hundred of them. much stuff as I could find that he would Washington, DC scene. Do you guys ever I, of course, didn’t end up winning one. So freak out over. I luckily had a lot of the get compared to Dischord? I put it on my list of things that I would stuff he was looking for, but more than that, Var: It’s definitely a flattering thought. trade stuff for. I posted on the web saying, I had a bunch of really weird stuff that only Actually, when Fugazi played down here, basically, “If anybody out there is a rabid me and a couple of people in the band had. Ian walked up to me after the show, and he Less Than Jake fan and has one of these He was really happy about it. I was, too. It mentioned a parallel between Dischord was such a ridiculous concept that I had and us. I can’t remember exactly what to follow through with it. he said. Something to the effect that Jennifer: The dog is terrified of it. He we’re kinda doing what he’s doing. But would circle it and growl and back up. Dischord is a label that I’ve looked up He thought it was some kind of vicious to for a really long time. They put out a person. lot of good stuff. They’re also one of Var: When it showed up, I was out run- the most open labels, as far as giving ning some errands. They stuck Darth advice to people and extending their Maul in an alcove right by my office. I knowledge and their experience. There came back with some bags in my hands were others. Rabid Cat, early on, was and walked by it and saw it through the really like that. They were the first ones corner of my eyes. My heart started rac- who gave me costs for making a seven ing and I almost dropped the bags. I lit- inch. And, shit, they haven’t been a erally sunk to the ground. I thought label for how long? Fourteen years, some dude had broken in. maybe? Sean: Var, would you give up your But, without really trying, I guess career in the record business for a career we’re documenting the local in aquariums? Gainesville goings on. It would be real- Var: Actually, I’m kinda burnt on the ly unfair to say that Gainesville music whole aquarium thing because there was is represented by No Idea. We put out one thing I wasn’t really prepared for. some of the music from here. We defi- You have fish die periodically, and nitely don’t put out all of it. There are a that’s just part of having aquariums. But lot of bands around here that could I’ve had a couple of waves in the last loosely be defined as punk rock that year where one fish dies, two days later, I’ve never even seen. There’s just so another fish dies. I’d treat the aquarium, much going on all the time, that we talk to people about it, get advice, do can’t do all of it. Our whole criteria is everything I could. But twenty fish died basically just putting out records by our out of one aquarium. friends and music that really moves us. Jennifer: And if you ask the people at We do as much as we can. places that sell fish and aquariums what Sometimes we do more than that, but to do about it, they’ll say, “I don’t know. there’s no way we could do everything. ...you take a spoon and some nails and throw Sometimes fish just die.” You can’t real- Going back, maybe four years ago, we them in a blender and turn it on and say, ly do anything about it. had a couple of years where we barely “This is what music sounds like.” [Reply Dave from the Grabass got any sleep. We were stressed out all Charlestons and from the No Idea mail- the time. There was one year when we put things and wants to trade for some weird room walks in at this point.] out twenty-seven records in one year, and records, get ahold of me.” I had records Sean: Since Dave is here, I’m gonna ask some of those were multi-format. Eight of that, if you were the ultimate Less Than the toughest question that you’ll have to them were LP and CD. If you put out an LP Jake fan, they would make your day. Like, face this year. There’s a Simpsons episode and CD at the same time, it’s like two pro- rare colored vinyl and test pressings of where part of the plot is that actor Troy jects. So that was almost like putting out records that were cut wrong, so instead of McClure had been banned from Hollywood thirty-five records in a year. It was ridicu- two songs on one side of the seven inch, because he had a weird sexual attraction to lous. Ever since then, we try to do a little there was one song on each side, and it fish. In that same episode, he says, “You less every year. But part of the inspiration never got pressed that way. All ultimate may know me from movies like The for all that work was probably from feeling collector nerd stuff. And this one kid from Greatest Story Ever Hula’d.” Now, you’ve like so many bands from here in the eight- England got ahold of me. My general expe- put out a Grabass Charlestons album called ies never left anything behind. So I felt like rience has been, the more rabid someone is, The Greatest Story Ever Hula’d and you I had to get out everything that means any- the more likely they are to completely have all of these aquariums around the No thing to me. flake. I really wouldn’t put much energy Idea offices. What’s the connection? Sean: Is it true that you traded Less Than into the most aggressive people because I Var: I see where you’re going with this Jake merchandise for a life-sized Darth figure that they’re the ones who are proba- one, and that’s a nearly impossible connec- Maul figure? bly thirteen, and they don’t really get the tion of two things that would never occur to Var: Yeah, it is. It started out as a joke fact that they’re wasting my time. At first, I me. Dave? because I kinda wanted one of those things. told him what I had. And I realized, he did- Replay Dave: The fish attraction is all They were a store premium for some chain n’t actually have one. He was intending to above the equator. Don’t even worry about that wasn’t around here. They put them up buy one and somehow get it to me. And I it. in their stores and had a con- realized that he wasn’t super young. He was Jennifer: I remember that episode. Troy 58 McClure marries Selma. But I don’t thousand dollars in the bank? nobody had ever said that before. remember him saying that. I think it’s just Var: Probably spend it paying bills, I thought about it more, and that been a long time since I saw that. because that’s what I usually when I do became a goal. I thought, if I ever had ten Sean: I just saw it last week. It happened to when I have ten thousand dollars in the thousand dollars, I would quit my job and be right around the time when I was writing bank. If I personally had ten thousand dol- have enough money to live for a year with- out the questions for this interview. lars in the bank, I’d probably have to do out working. I figured that I could put out Var: I really wish I had something snappy something responsible like replace the rot- four zines that year and two seven inches to say about that question, but I can’t think ting siding on my house. Something very outside of the zines. Things could really of anything better than the question itself. adult and not at all fun. But if you want to take off. By the end of the year, I might be Sean: Well, here’s a question that you used know why that particular question is rele- flat-ass broke and have to go to a job again. to ask when you interviewed people: if vant to me, I could tell you. But maybe, if I was lucky, I could go back aliens landed in your backyard, how would I’ve only worked three jobs in my and get just a part-time job and keep doing you describe your music to them without whole life. I worked at a college newspaper my thing. So I kept saving my money and, actually playing the after four years of music? There’s nothing better than when your friend’s band pops in working at the Var: Oh, man. I’m get- and says, “We just recorded something new.” silkscreen shop, I had ting it turned around on And you put it on and it’s the best thing you’ve heard in a long time. nine thousand and me. There’s two ways change in the bank. to take this question. That savings came You can either take it from the time I was as a serious question or fifteen until the time you can take is as an I was twenty-four. I’m-gonna-go-along- I’d just been really with-it-as-an-actual- tight with money and scenario question. And saved and saved. So I I’m trying not to just called bullshit on recycle some phantom myself, like, “I memory of how some- always said I’d do body else answered this this if I had this question. Part of me much money.” And would want to say that’s basically what something really jack- I did. ass like, “Lambada.” Coincidentally, Or, “Country and other pressures were Western.” Beyond that, coming in. Working I think the fall back is full-time meant that I always the demonstra- didn’t have enough tion, like you take a pot energy to do the zine. and a pan and just start So I was asking hitting it, or you take a myself, “Will I have spoon and some nails a career working for and throw them in a blender and turn it on down the street. This was back before they someone else, and not really have that go and say, “This is what music sounds like.” had desktop computers. So I learned how to anywhere? Or do I say, ‘Fuck it,’ step out But the best solution would be to take the do cut-and-paste really well. Entire articles on my own, and see what I can do?” And alien to hang out with Aaron Lay (singer would be just a big strip. You’d have to cut that was really one of the most difficult for Billy Reese Peters) and get him shit- it and paste it in place. If there were any decisions I’ve ever made, but it was also faced and playing horseshoes. That would misspellings, you’d have to get a knife and one of the best. It’s been about nine years, get him somewhat closer to what our music cut and move letters around. So I was pretty now, and I haven’t had to get any other job is all about, without actually playing him good with an exacto knife. I did that for besides No Idea. I never thought I’d be able the music, of course. That, or get a whole three years. Then, I moved on to a to keep it going this long. So that’s why lot of opium, cook it up, and pour it on him. silkscreen shop, and I did the graphics that particular question is relevant to me. Or the thing that I’ve never actually done there. It was really hands-on, a lot of cut- Now, I’m thinking, a hundred thousand but I’ve thought about doing – this would and-paste. dollars or a million dollars, I could really be harder to pull off – but you cut your hair Anyway, somewhere along the lines, do something with that. But ten thousand right before you go to a show. And you take around 1989, 1990, I’d ask that question a dollars now, if you do an LP/CD release your shirt off and take vaseline and smear it lot, and everybody in a band would say and take out a bunch of ads, it’s gone. If on your torso and give yourself a haircut. they’d fix their van, buy a van, fix their you look at the accounting statements at the Then, put your shirt back on and go to a equipment, record and put out a record. For end of the year, you’d be amazed at how show and take your shirt back off. Make an underground band, ten thousand bucks is much money goes through us. We won’t sure it’s an older, more aggro show. A an album and a van. And it seemed like have any, but there are points where we’re hardcore band. Then, anyone who touches such a massive amount of money to me. I like, “How does a million dollars go you all night would get vaseline and hair couldn’t even conceive of it. Then, I asked through our hands? Where did it go? I don’t stuck to them. Especially in a circle pit. If the question of Fugazi, and Ian said, “I have remember seeing this money.” That’s how you could somehow take the alien and get ten thousand dollars in the bank.” He went it is for anybody who’s been doing a label him soused and get the whole hair thing on to explain that he’d been saving it for for a while. You spend a lot of money, and happening. Then you find the alien who had years and years and he uses it to fund vari- there’s not much left over. It’s crazy. It’s the opium poured all over him and point to ous projects and, if his band needed to go something that’s unique for punk rock, the other alien and say, “There you go.” on tour, he’d take some money from it and because who else would put in ten dollars Sean: Here’s another old No Idea fanzine replace it at the end of the tour. He used it to make back twenty cents? Nobody in a question: what would you do if you had ten as a resource. It kept things going. And normal business model would 59 do that. It’s even worse if you’re doing a ings or the Operation Ivy recordings. I think played guitar and sang, and Bill, the drum- fanzine and you factor the time you put into Radon could’ve been as big as either of mer, still lived here and they got a new bass it. There’s never anything to take back out. those bands, but they didn’t tour at the time player. But it was just Dave songs because It’s like you make two cents an hour. when they could’ve. I think that’s the there was no Brent to sing the Brent songs. Sean: So why do you put so much time into biggest reason. But, at the time, there was- Over the period of a year or more, they it? n’t that much of a precedent of bands from went into the studio a few times and record- Var: I guess because I don’t know any bet- Gainesville getting out and touring and get- ed two or four songs at a time. Some of the ter. No, honestly, the real answer is that ting big. Now, it’s expected that, if you’re a songs would be old songs that never got I’ve always been somebody who’s fairly band, your dreams or goals are to put some recorded and some were new songs. And creative, in the sense that, I’m agitated and songs together, then you record, then you each time they did that, each session sound- bored and restless unless I’m doing some- put something out, then you tour, then you ed different. One session would be really thing artistic. So, by doing a zine with tour again. Your idea of what’s possible glossy with a lot of guitars, then the next friends, there was a form of expres- session they would turn up the distortion sion. And by learning to take photos, Sean: Is it true that you traded Less Than Jake and be more direct. So it wasn’t really there was more expression. And learn- merchandise for a life-sized Darth Maul figure? an album, as such. It could’ve been, but ing to develop your photos in a dark- Var: Yeah, it is... It was such a ridiculous it was really just these chunks of songs. room. You’re learning things hands- One idea I had was to put out a bunch of on, learning from doing. That became concept that I had to follow through with it. seven inches so each session is its own a big creative outlet. Then, with piece, then maybe put out a CD later. records, I started doing all the layouts But the other thing is that the recordings for the records I put out. Well, ninety were never actually finished. Some of percent of them. So that’s my creative them never had a final mix and some of outlet. If I didn’t do the layouts for the them they didn’t finish recording all the records, I wouldn’t be doing this. It parts. If they were to go in and remix it would be boring. Also, there’s the fact all, you could probably have a pretty that I really, really like the music. I decent record. I’m not sure why that enjoy putting something into this and never happened. getting something out of it. Sean: What about the Dillinger Four There’s nothing better than when album that No Idea is supposed to put your friend’s band pops in and says, out? Is that ever gonna happen? “We just recorded something new.” Var: That’s one that I have to put on the And you put it on and it’s the best band. Ask the band. For the first three thing you’ve heard in a long time. years, it was kinda funny, but... It was Plenty of the records we put out, it’s supposed to come out before the Fat been that. I’ve felt like, this record is album did. But I even told them, “Look, so amazing that people have to hear it. I want to do an album with you and I In some cases, lots of people did. In believe you’ll come through for me, but other cases, five hundred people heard you gotta do the Fat album first.” At it. But it’s always worth it in one way this point, I don’t know if they’re still or another. thinking that they’re really gonna do it. Sean: Along those lines, why do you As of eight months ago, they were still think that Radon isn’t in the pantheon talking about it in interviews. I hope it of punk’s greatest bands? is the next thing they do. I’ve always Var: In some senses, they are. People wanted to put out a Dillinger Four in bands, people who do zines, people record, even before they put out their who do things in punk rock know who first album. Radon is and like and appreciate them. Sean: Why do you think No Idea has There are a lot of bands like that. survived and done well when so many There are a lot of bands that people other record labels haven’t? who do zines love, but the bands never Jennifer: Because Var’s so goddamn really branch out. The key point with stubborn. And so am I. We’re both real- Radon is that, even though they existed for now has gone up. It used to be that, if you ly tenacious about things. Even if stuff gets over a decade – and may still exist, who were in a band, you played some shows, weird or bands break up or things aren’t knows? – they never played a show outside you practiced, and that’s about it. Maybe exactly going smoothly, we’re both like, of Florida. And, for the last six or seven you recorded a demo tape on a four-track. I’m just gonna barrel through this and get years of their existence, they played “final” Maybe you had that dream in your head to past it and that’s just how it is. shows every six months or so. They’re real- put out a record. Right around the nineties, Var: Yeah, it’s our obstinance. And ly not very active. If Radon, in 1991 or more people started realizing: me and the Jennifer and I are really close and we fuel 1992, had done a US tour, it’s very possible four people in the band can save our money each other. There are different points when that that trickle down effect that happened from shows and record for two-hundred one or the other of us might get down on with Crimpshine and Operation Ivy dollars and put out our seven inch. And that things and the other will just happen to could’ve happened with Radon. Even raised the bar. Then a few bands toured a have the right motivation. though those bands don’t sound anything lot, and that raised the bar. But when Radon Jennifer: Anything that you really care like Radon, I think there was a similar spir- was active, there wasn’t much locally to about and work on all the time can be really it. Musically, there’s something about compare it to. gratifying and really frustrating. There are Radon that just slaps you. I can still put on Sean: Is there really one lost Radon album? points when it’s totally driving me crazy a Radon record and go, “Damn, there is Var: There is, kind of. In ‘99, finally all the and I can’t stand it, but then I think, something there.” And even though all the members of the band were living in I would rather be doing this than recordings of Radon were scratchy and Gainesville and they played some shows. anything else. weird, so were all the Crimpshine record- Then Brent moved to Colorado. Dave, who 61 ND & NAQSHBA BY HEELA NTERVIEW OR I TODD TAYL D TAYLOR TO BY TOD PHO BY FLY ARTWORK
FLY: noun, verb, adjective. And you don’t even know the half of it… My now-husband and I met Fly a few years ago while she was opening for the Primate Freedom Tour with Aus Rotten and Anti-Product. She went on stage as Zero Content and did this crazy spoken-word barrage while Corey from Aus Rotten played bass. Her words were bitingly sarcastic, yet super funny, and we knew we had to talk to her after the set. We later came to find out that her witty on-stage presence was just Fly attempting to say everything while saying nothing at all. We also learned that Fly is a highly prolific artist with over fifteen years of DIY ingenuity under her studded belt who dwells in the squats of Manhattan’s Lower East Side (with an occasional stay in the warm, sunny winters of California). Over the years, she has self-published tons of zines as well as contributed to many others, including Slug and Lettuce and World War III. Her comic-style artwork has graced the covers of such punk staples as MRR and BYOFL, not to mention the lay- sented in the mainstream culture. It’s like their opinions are so- out of the most recent King Missile III album. As if that wasn’t called “alternative,” you know? enough, she has also toured the world while playing bass in the I feel like I’m rambling on and on and not making any point band God is My Co-Pilot. Just thinking about all of the projects whatsoever, which is funny, because a lot of the people who I she’s been involved in is unbelievable! have PEOPed – they feel that way too. After I PEOP them, they We’d hung out a couple of times during the past few years say “Oh! I didn’t make any sense! I was just rambling along!” and she has been generous enough to hand over original art- They feel very self-conscious about what they said. But to me, the work and vocals for some compilations our label has released. conversation we had was very significant. To them, it can seem When Fly asked if she could stay with us while promoting her mundane because this is how they live, they’re so used to it that it latest book PEOPS! (CHRON!ICRIOTS!PA!SM! was her first), doesn’t seem special to them at all. But to someone who knows we were more than happy to oblige. PEOPS! isn’t your average nothing about what they do, it can be a really incredible thing. coffee-table book (then again, nothing about Fly can be consid- Heela: Yeah, totally! Now, do you remember who your first ered “average”), but a collection of portraits and stories of the PEOP was? numerous people she has encountered both in the art and punk Fly: I don’t actually because the project evolved very gradually. scenes and her personal life. Fly feels that everyone has a story But if you look at the PEOP zine, it’s Craig from God is My Co- to tell, and she wants to hear ALL of them. I don’t think I’ve Pilot and we’re on a plane on our way to Europe when we were ever met anyone with the sincere interest and energy of this opening for Fugazi and we were really late for the sound check. woman. Hopefully, this interview, after one of Fly’s “Peop Fugazi was also late to the show and the problem was we were Shows” (accompanied by Oakland’s production terrorists, supposed to use their amps and their drum set, so we had neither. Killer Banshees) will give a bit more insight on this amazing Heela: Oh no! story-teller and friend. The interview took place at 33-1/3 Fly: Yeah, so we all just plugged into the PA direct and we were Bookstore in LA. playing this set with no amps and Michael went out and found an oil drum and used that for the drums, and it was the most insanely Heela: First off, what is a PEOP? punk rock show I’ve ever played in my life. It felt like the sound Fly: What is a PEOP? When you say it like that, “PEOP” is a noun. was coming to me from a tunnel. Let’s see. One of my earliest I prefer to think of it as a verb – as in PEOPing. Let me start off by ones was of Amanda, who is also in the PEOP book. This is a talking about what the PEOPs project is. PEOPs is a collection of drawing of her when she was living in Germany. portraits of people and their stories, and the stories are based on the Heela: Have you ever been denied a PEOP? conversation that we have while I’m PEOPing them. See, that’s Fly: I haven’t been denied a PEOP but sometimes people will just where PEOP is a verb. The reason I say that it’s a verb is because I keep putting me off and putting me off and putting me off. Some don’t want it to be a passive thing. It’s an active thing, you know? of these people I will chase after. It’s conversations with people and getting to know them as individ- Heela: I see. So is there someone dead or alive who you would uals. And that’s what the PEOPs project is about – a collection of just absolutely love to PEOP? histories, histories that aren’t recognized by the mainstream media. Fly: Someone dead or alive? There’s a million people I wanna A lot of the people who are in the book are people who are activists PEOP! Seriously, there’s so many! One person who is dead that 62 or artists – people whose histories aren’t really repre- I’d love to PEOP is my dad. I really miss my dad. He died fifteen years ago. I’d just love for him to see what POET BUCKY SINISTER them. Other K-9 comics are about how her I’m doing now. He’d be so proud of me. My mom is having an affair and how she deals dad was a huge influence on me when I was a with that. Then her mom goes crazy and how kid… his artwork was a huge influence. He she deals with that. was in the navy and he did these drawings of Todd: How did you get hooked up with really hung-over cartoon guys and I was so Chris from Slug and Lettuce? She’s been impressed by this. I remember these two big using your art for a long time. black-and-white framed, very simple draw- Fly: Yeah, I met Chris in New York City ings that my dad did. It’s art. It’s framed up ‘cause she was involved in the whole punk in our house and my Dad did that! That was scene and ABC No Rio, and when I first got one of many influences that compelled me to to New York, I lived at ABC No Rio for six draw as a kid. I’d love to PEOP all kinds of months. I was there for the first matinee punk people though. Pretty much everyone I meet. shows, and Chris got involved in the hard- And of course, some rock stars I’d love to core collective there and she was doing her PEOP. I’d love to PEOP Nina Hagen. The zine. And I had this great idea for this comic reason I’m saying that is because Jen from called Zero Content starring Stew Pitt, and so Resist and Exist was here earlier and she had it just became a regular thing. It was sup- the Nina Hagen shirt on. posed to be a comic that I could just do and Heela: How was your book tour different not care how it looked, so it was supposed to than touring with God is My Co-Pilot? encourage me to develop a whole new style Fly: It’s different because it’s all about me. of drawing really fast, because unfortunately Well, it’s not all about me. The Killer the way I draw, even now, takes me a long Banshees are involved and the book’s about a time. 1995 was the first time Zero Content whole bunch of other people, but this is my ACTIVIST GAGE showed up in Slug and Lettuce. tour. And that’s very intimidating. It’s kinda Todd: Who would you consider your con- nice to ride along in someone else’s tour and temporaries? Would you align yourself more when no one shows up, then you don’t per- with comic book artist Joe Sacco (Safe Area sonally suck, it’s just the band. [laughter] But Gorazde, Palestine) or Art Spiegelman if I’m doing a tour, it’s me: my tour, come to (Maus) or do you align yourself, even con- my show, and if no one shows up, you take it ceptually, not even in the same group as really personally. It makes a difference that them? way. Another difference is I don’t have to Fly: I would feel a little self-conscious to play music. I always loved touring with God even align myself with Art Spiegelman or Joe is My Co-Pilot, but I never felt at home play- Sacco because I have a really great admira- ing music. I had some really bad experiences tion for their work. I was looking at Art with music as a kid, with music teachers who Spiegelman’s work when I was in school and were insane, with music teachers who had was incredibly inspired by it. It was one of heart attacks and fell on top of me. So as a the reasons why I wanted to come to New kid, I didn’t ever want to play music. I want- York. I thought he was incredible, very inno- ed to play outside. Then when I started play- vative. Joe Sacco is a really great journalist. I ing bass with God is My Co-Pilot, I loved wouldn’t want to align myself with him playing in the band and I had fun with them, because I don’t feel my work has such a seri- but I just never really felt like a musician. It’s ousness and journalistic skill. I think if I have not my calling. I’m a visual artist; that’s what to align myself, I’d say I’m part of the World I feel at home with. In that way, I feel more War Three collective. All those folks – Seth like myself on this tour, because it’s my stuff. Tobocman, Peter Kuper, Sabrina Jones – Todd: Going off that, for people who don’t there’s a whole bunch of artists, I’m sort of a know your comics, what would be the part of that gang. biggest recurring themes? Todd: Was PEOPs your first leap into Fly: I’ve done a lot of comics with squatting putting dialogue behind a picture? issues. I’ve done a lot of comics about being WILLIE NELSON Fly: Doing art that had words, I’ve always female and dealing with growing up female done that. Ever since I was a kid, I found in this world. I do a comic called Zero words extremely intriguing and I love to read Content about a stupid punk rock guy who and I loved comics when I was a kid. When I had his mohawk stolen and then he found out went to art school, they don’t teach you they stole his brain too! I’m on the twenty- comics as a high art. They kind of frown on seventh episode of the adventures of Stew that kind of thing. So I was becoming a – not Pitt – he’s the hero. And he’s on this quest to really an art snob, I was more like an art- find his brain, but in the meantime, he’s for- punk. I really loved the comics that were in gotten about that and has gotten involved in RAW, but in a lot of ways they were very activism and all this other weird stuff. I also deconstructed. They were more on the exper- have another character called K-9, and her imental side of dealing with art-comics. Gary strips are about different points in her life Panter was doing amazing stuff! I used to do when trying to deal with certain things like drawings that just had words. I’ve been doing losing her virginity. There’s three parts of the this since I could write. story – starting from when she was five or six One funny story is when I was a little kid until about nine and the three different ways – like I said I was intrigued with words – and she lost her virginity in the course of those I remember I found this word one day in this years. Those comics are kind of intense and book and I found this piece of paper in a people always have an extreme reaction to book and it had this word on it, 63 and I thought, “Well, that’s an interesting word. I’d never seen that this country don’t understand how they can become an active ele- before!” So I wrote this word down, made circles around it and ment. Everybody knows that our government and our system are made a little picture. A beautiful little picture. And so then I went completely fucked up, but they don’t understand that they do have and showed my mom this word and I said: “What does this mean?” the power to change it. It’s all about opening your eyes and seeing And I thought I would be congratulated on finding a new word and what’s going on, and not glossing over. It seems like too much is doing such a beautiful picture and my mom was shocked. She said being glossed over. It’s like, “Oh, we’re gonna go bomb Iraq? “Where did you find this word? Where did you get this? Where did Okay, alright. Support the troops. Wave the flag.” Too much is get- you see this?” I said it was written in the book. It was in my dad’s ting glossed over. I don’t think putting little things into my draw- handwriting and, of course, the word was “fuck.” [laughter] I did- ings is gonna make people open their eyes and say, “Stop the war!” n’t get congratulated or praised at all. I ended up getting my dad in but it’s… [laughter] I can’t think of what it is... trouble. It just turned into this whole nightmare. The one lesson I Todd: Well, it’s personal methods of resistance. The most impor- learned from that was the power of words. I learned that, whoa, tant thing, for myself, is for me to realize that I’m not glossing this word can get such a reaction. It hard- things over, and that you take your own wired into my head at that point. There are FLY’S SELF-PPORTRAIT time and your own life and go, okay, I certain words that are taboo and that’s why have to stop, listen, penetrate one thing and words became so important to me. even that will open other doors for us. Todd: If you could illustrate the cover of Fly: Right. And another thing is that peo- any science fiction book, what would it be ple should learn how to use their imagina- and why? tions, too. I think it’s a major problem in Fly: I think I would veer more toward a the schools right now that all arts funding Philip K. Dick book. I really like his stuff. is being cut because the country seems to I think that the psycho-fiction quality of be suffering a huge lack of imagination. If his work resonates in me. And the whole you can’t imagine a better world, you idea of: “is this really happening or is this won’t be able to live in a better world. person completely schizophrenic?” – I Todd: Or describe it. grew up with my mom being schizophrenic Fly: You have to be able to imagine what and so I feel this connection with the para- your life can be like, and then you can noia that emanates from his books. make it happen. But if you’re not taught Todd: What would be some elements that how to use your imagination, just how to you have intentionally hidden in your art accept structures and how to memorize and when people look at it the tenth time facts, then you’re not gonna learn how to say, “Oh, I never saw that before.” develop or create your own personal reali- Fly: I don’t really hide stuff. I don’t need ty. Teaching people to suppress their imag- to. ination makes for great soldiers and flag Todd: But sometimes you have so many wavers, but it doesn’t make for much hap- details… like the San Francisco Guardian piness. cover. I realized the music symbol was a Todd: Okay, well, I have one question on hammer and sickle. At first glance you the converse of that. Has your work ever don’t realize that. been actively censored? Have you looked Fly: Was it? Oh yeah, ‘cause it was the at something that you got printed and Russian thing! That’s right! Yeah, yeah, found they had taken something out of it? yeah. Thanks for reminding me. [laughter] Fly: Well, not really because usually my work is published in Todd: Do you intentionally give the careful watcher extra little underground publications who are looking for the kind of work that things in your drawings? I do. I’ve had situations where I’ve had to revise illustrations, but Fly: Do I do it intentionally? Oh yeah. I always try to do things to it’s not really a censorship thing, it’s more just being more accurate make people look harder and see, because people look at things, to what’s going on. There’s some situations where, if you’re but they don’t really see. Back when I was doing a lot of writing, I putting something in a magazine that’s supposed to be going out to had this project where I would do slogans. I would take everyday the general public, they might not want you to put shit, fuck, piss, slogans and phrases and rewrite them to have different meaning. pussy, asshole, etc. and have a comic about getting your tits yanked Like the phrase “God Forbid,” I did it in three lines, like: God For off and ass pulled off at Canadian Customs. But I wouldn’t call that Bid, as in, for the highest bidder. And instead of “Sex Sells,” I censorship, but rather consideration of audience. would write “Sex Smells.” And it’s amazing how people would Oh wait, I was forced to take down a show I did in a café, react to them. Some would not even see what they actually said or because the woman who owned the shop was Jewish and I had a they would get really disturbed. swastika in one of my drawings. I mean, I wasn’t supporting Nazis. I used to work at a paper, like a weekly tabloid kind of thing, It was a drawing of the New York Stock Exchange and the swasti- and I would sneak into the office at night, ‘cause as art director I ka was on the clock, so it was more like how the clock is the fascist would have the keys, and I would write hundreds of these and print state and controlling us. It was symbolic. It had nothing to do with them out on their own 8 x 11 paper and then I would walk back to supporting Nazism, absolutely not. But she was offended by the where I would live, postering the whole way. I was doing this for fact that there was a swastika in the drawing, period. And so I took months along this whole street and people were getting really dis- it down, it was no big deal. Just a little café show. turbed and started wondering who was doing it. I would put “God Todd: And you were saying, like the word “fuck,” you have For Bid” on churches [laughter] wanting people to really look and loaded symbols, too. So you have to appreciate the fact that people see. There is too much information for your brain to take in and will react differently to different symbols. people just gloss it all over. It’s important not to become compla- Fly: Yeah. Exactly. cent or apathetic. Just like when we were talking at the beginning about PEOPs and how I want it to be an active thing. My getting involved in For more info on Fly: www.bway.net/~fly DIY culture and squatting, I really want to be an active part of the To order “PEOPS”: www.softskull.com world. I don’t want to be a passive element. That’s really important To hear Zero Content: www.gcrecords.com to me. And trying to communicate this to people. A lot of people in 65 AAA CandidCandidCandid ConversationConversationConversation withwithwith CliffCliffCliff romaNromaNromaN ofofof
Interview and Photos by Money
The day I drove out to the Valley to $: How well rehearsed were you back in the there. interview Cliff Roman and John Denney early days? $: And when did you meet John? of the Weirdos half of Southern Cliff: We rehearsed all the time. That was Cliff: High school in an art class. California was up in smoke. In fact, John our life. We usually had a show coming up $: Were you artists? couldn’t make the interview because the and we liked to work out new material. We Cliff: I was an art major in high school and fires that raged across the state were liked to rehearse a lot. Probably too much. then I went to California Institute of the encroaching upon his home. (Note: John, $: Where did you rehearse? North Arts. I have a degree in Art. his family, and his home are fine.) It was Hollywood? $: When did you know you were an artist? as if some higher power were punishing Cliff: Several places, but mainly in North Cliff: Ever since I was really little I was us for electing Arnold Schwarzenegger as Hollywood. There was a place called Stone always drawing and considered myself an governor. Or maybe it was one too many Fox Rehearsals. It may still be there. It was artist. I was always the artist in the class. I reality TV shows. Whatever it was, the in an industrial strip near Chandler and was in charge of doing the murals. I wasn’t edict was clear: California must be Vineland. Somewhere over there. Before that great but if you put something in front destroyed. Twenty-six years earlier a that we rehearsed for a little bit in of me I could draw it, or make something bunch of guys from North Hollywood Hollywood at a place called Dress Review up for a project. In high school I made a issued a proclamation of their own: on Hollywood Boulevard and Western. The conscious decision that I wanted to be an “Destroy all music!” and the city’s cul- building is still there. I don’t know if there artist. I wanted to go to Cal Arts. It was the tural landscape was never the same. If is a rehearsal studio there. new art school right down the freeway. any band is responsible for putting Los $: Who attended North Hollywood High? When I first applied there, right out of high Angeles on the punk rock map, it’s the Cliff: I went to North Hollywood High, and school, I didn’t get in, so I spent a year at Weirdos. With a new CD of old, previ- so did John. That’s where I met him. the Valley junior college and then I was ously-unreleased material on Frontier $: What about his brother? accepted the following year. Records, the Weirdos are back with a Cliff: Dix didn’t go there. He went to these $: Do you remember when you met John? new rhythm section and an old message alternative schools. He went to Crossroads, Cliff: Yeah, I think it was our junior year in from the underworld of LA punk circa which was right across the street from North high school. It was 1969-70. We graduated 1977. Hollywood High. And he went to a famous in 1971. private alternative school in Santa Monica. $: So you were older when you started play- 66 One of the guys from the Monkees went ing out? Cliff: When the band started John and I able as the Weirdos. of ’77. Our first show was April Fool’s Day were 24. That was ’77. The youngest was Cliff: That’s right. in ’77. By that summer we were headlining Dix, who was still 18. Dix is a really good $: Is it true you didn’t have a drummer in the Whisky; we were in Time Magazine; artist. Their father was a graphic artist. John your original line-up? John was on the cover of Slash. is a very talented artist, a very creative per- Cliff: Yes. Originally it was just me, John, $: That must have been an amazing sum- son. Dave Trout, our original bass player, Dix and Dave Trout playing in a little mer. he was an artist as well. I met him at Cal rehearsal space. No drummer. It was tiny Cliff: We weren’t even ready to play. We Arts. He was there on scholarship, getting little place as big as this living room. We just got pulled on stage. We rehearsed in his Master’s. used to take our amps and stack them along jeans and t-shirts. By the time we did the $: How did the band come together? the wall and stand there facing the amps. Orpheum Show we’d developed the look Cliff: Basically, Dave Trout and I started We would go there and play the songs. One and it just snowballed from there. We came the band. I had written some songs and day, we’d just finished practicing our set out and played but we had no idea what to Dave played bass so he went and got a bass there was a knock at the door and these do onstage. We were an original band; it’s guitar and an amp and I had a guitar and an three guys walk in. It was the Nerves. They not like we were some rock outfit and we amp. For years John would switched to punk when it broke. come over and we’d sit in the It’s our own creation. If you living room and make up songs were in LA in ’77, we were the and tape them on our little cas- band that you could go see at sette recorders. I wrote some the Masque, or the Whisky, or songs in ’76. I went over to the Stardust. We were what was Dave’s house, played them for happening on the strip that him, showed him the bass lines. summer. They’d try to get the Dave and John had already other punk bands to headline met. John came over and I and no one would go see them, handed him the lyrics and sang then they’d bring us back and the songs. the place would be packed. $: He didn’t need any coaxing? Everyone wanted to be on one Cliff: Oh, no. He was ready. of our shows, not because it He already had the stuff. He would sell out but because that was a very charismatic person. would be the happening place. You knew he would be a film We were it. When we came out or stage actor of some sort. I to play a lot of musicians in the knew he would make a great Hollywood area would come front man. John could be Mick out to see us, and they all had Jagger or David Bowie or Iggy bands, but they weren’t punk Pop, any of those guys who we bands. I think the first time a lot went to see. But John’s an orig- of people saw us it changed inal. He didn’t take an image their lives because they went from one of those guys. They out and formed bands. A lot of were just by themselves with a people have told me they saw microphone. They didn’t have us play at the Orpheum Theater a guitar or play drums. They in April of ’77. That show was were the band. John just the Weirdos, the Zeros and the stepped up to the job of being Germs. The place was packed. the lead singer and became it. The Damned were there. $: Do you think the intensity of Rodney Bingenheimer was the performance is one of the there. Greg Shaw was there. reasons the Weirdos caught on? The Screamers were there. Cliff: Yeah. We caught on They came up to us after the right away because of the show and said, “You guys were music, the songs, the sound, the great!” Practically everyone in look, what we did on stage. The the audience went out and total package. formed a band the next day $: Who was responsible for the $: Do you think you get enough way you guys looked? credit for your role in punk Cliff: All of us. We all came up rock history? with different ideas. I was into Cliff: I don’t think we get using spray paint on clothing. enough credit for being the John splattered liquid paint all over the talked us into doing a show. We were like, first. Fast Freddy, who wrote for Backdoor place. Dix stapled stuff together just using a “We’re not ready, we don’t even have a Man, saw our very first show and wrote, stapler. Dave Trout pulled stuff apart and drummer.” They’re like, “It is the way it is; “From out of nowhere came the Weirdos.” reconstructed it. We’d go shopping at thrift you’re doing a show with us.” Peter Case There were no other bands locally that did stores for pants, shirts, belts, jewelry. Rain talked us into doing our first show at the what we did at the time we did it. There coats. It all came together. We could take Punk Palace. “You guys are punk.” We weren’t any. The Screamers were around, anything and make it work for us. I’d buy didn’t know what we were doing. We didn’t but they didn’t play. Their model was hideous looking shoes and pants. Clashing know anybody in the music business. We unique because of their instrumentation, stuff, and put it all together. didn’t know who run the clubs or how to get their look, and their great frontman Tomata $: From the photos I’ve seen you don’t look booked at a club. We were thinking maybe du Plenty, but it was nothing like how we like you belong together, but when you see we’d play a party or something. That was looked. And there weren’t any other bands. you all together you’re instantly recogniz- all we thought we could do. This was March The Zippers weren’t really a 67 punk band. They were more like power pop. all over the place and they sounded awful. Crime once. It was a show Crime did on The Nerves weren’t really punk either and And the guy I was dealing with, the owner Halloween night in ’77 at Bimbo’s, which is they were promoting this thing called the of the theater, was flipping out. “Get those a famous old bar in North Beach. We Punk Palace. The Germs were around and guys off the stage!” They didn’t know how played at a place called the People’s they got pulled onto one of our early shows. to start a song, or how to finish it, and they Temple, which was an old synagogue that I don’t think they were thinking of being a just thought it was a joke. They were up was turned into a theater. We used to play punk rock band. there laughing. So they were removed from with the Mutants, Flipper, the Dils. $: They wanted to be the Runaways. the stage. $: How did you find out about new music? Cliff: But they had the safety pins like the $: Who removed them? Cliff: I was always buying Melody Maker, English punks. We gave the Germs their Cliff: The owner. There were a bunch of us Sounds, Music Express, and Creem first break at the Orpheum. I was the pro- telling them to get off. I didn’t get up there fanzines. I was reading Bomp! back then. I moter. Paid for it with my own money. I and pull them off with a hook but we told think I even subscribed to it. A weird little was charging $4. them to stop. local zine called Backdoor Man. We’d read $: Those $4 shows are still out there. $: Because you were the promoter. about it. I still have articles about the Sex Our first show was April Fool’s Day in ’77. By that summer we were headlining the Whisky; we were in Time Magazine; John was on the cover of Slash. Cliff: We did a bunch of them. We were on Cliff: We didn’t even know them. We did- Pistols that I cut out of the LA Times. So we a roll. We did the Punk Palace. We did the n’t know anything about them. We were knew something was going on, but we did- Orpheum Theater with the Nerves and the laughing. n’t know what it sounded like. Back then Zippers. We had Nicky playing drums with $: Da-da weirdness. you couldn’t hear the bands from England, us. Then the Nerves and the Zippers backed Cliff: It was a performance art piece. We but you could see photos or read about out. We were at a Bomp! Records opening were like, “Just let them play,” but then the them. The band we saw was the Ramones. and Dave Trout was talking to this kid, this owner threatened to shut down the whole But they had long hair. We didn’t want to nerdy little kid, who had a ripped-up t-shirt gig if we didn’t get them off the stage. After look like the Ramones or the English bands. that had Germs on it and a pair of jeans with the show there was peanut butter all over $: Were the Ramones a big influence? 100 safety pins in it. How punk rock, right? the front of my car. I think Darby must have Cliff: Before I heard the Ramones I would $: This is Darby? been leaning on it, and I just left it there, so play open chords. Kind of a downbeat Cliff: He was calling himself Bobby Pyn for months there was this dried peanut but- stroke. But I didn’t play along with the back then. So Dave was like, “They’ve got ter on the front of my Merc. songs. I would just make up little riffs and a band called the Germs, maybe they could $: That’s great. progressions and record them with my little play with us.” So I went and talked to them. Cliff: Then Nicky went on to play drums tape recorder, and I’d sit there and invent I think it was the next night or a few days for them on “Lexicon Devil” and then their stuff. But when I heard the Ramones it was later. So they show up and they go on first “Forming” single came out, which I loved. so cool. I could hear all the West Coast surf and they start throwing peanut butter It just sounded so crude. The Dils got a sin- influences, only there weren’t any guitar gle out, and then the Germs solos. I could hear how they were structur- were on What? Records. We ing their songs. I listened to that record a were like, “Can you believe lot, but the band that made me want to start these guys got records out? We a band was Iggy Pop and the Stooges. They better get a record out!” The did a run at the Whisky in ’74 or ’75 for a Germs weren’t allowed to play week. I saw them one night and then I got the Starwood or the Whisky. John and Dave to go down there one night. I They couldn’t draw. We had saw them about three or four time. I had them play with us at Mabuhay Raw Power. I loved Raw Power. I remem- Gardens in San Francisco. ber walking out of the Whisky and saying to Everyone who saw them hated Dave Trout: “Come on, what have we got to them. lose? Let’s start a band.” $: What was that scene like? $: What punk rock bands did you listen to? Cliff: San Francisco was a dif- Cliff: The bands I listened to were The ferent scene but we were very Damned. I got their first record. The Sex well liked. When you played Pistols, the Clash, Generation X, and the Mabuhay Gardens it was 21 Buzzcocks. The Saints. All those bands. and over. Down here it was all $: Is there an LA band that you played with ages. Up there it was kind of that doesn’t get enough recognition? weird because everyone was Cliff: Some of the bands that I really liked drunk and drugged out. Older were the Plugz, who later become the hippie kind of people. And Cruzados. there was media up there. $: What’s the current line-up? Search and Destroy loved the Cliff: We have a great lineup. John, Dix Weirdos. Howie Klein with and I are the core members of the band. New Wave who used to put us We’ve had a lot of drummers and bass play- up. We loved going to San ers. In my mind, we’ve had three drummers. Francisco. Nicky was first. Then Art Fox in ’79. Then $: Who did you play with? Cliff Martinez in ’80. But we also played Cliff: When we first went up with a ton of other drummers and we had there we brought the Zeros and Dave Trout and Bruce Moreland on bass. the Germs. We did a show with $: What happened to Dave Trout? Cliff: Dave worked in the film industry and I think he’s a graphic arts instructor at one of the colleges. I’ve kind of lost touch with him. I’m hoping one day to get back in touch with him but right now I have no idea. After Bruce we had Willie Williams, then I played bass for a while when Cliff Martinez was playing drums. But we’ve had a lot of other bass players. Right now Sean Antillion is playing drums and Zander Schloss from the Circle Jerks is playing bass. $: So Condor came out— Cliff: In ’90. A lot of those songs had been written 10 or 11 yeas earlier. There was a period around ’84 or ’85 where I used to go downtown to John’s loft and we’d make up songs and record them and some of those songs ended up on Condor. I’m very proud of Condor. $: Is the world going to see any new Weirdos material? Cliff: Hopefully. I’ve been writing. I’ve got enough music to go in the studio and record another album. $: What do John and Dix do? Cliff: All kinds of things. We have our pri- vate lives. You know, John has a family. I have a family. Dix is in another band. The reason we’re back together right now and II. There’s still some stuff that’s never been or food, and get paid! And then you go doing these shows is to promote the CD. released on CD that’s totally unavailable. down to the Masque and it smelled. The The reason the CD is out now is because a So I’d like to get all that stuff on there. We bathroom was always broken. You had to last April was the 25th anniversary. But we didn’t put out a whole lot of records, but we bring your own food or drink. You couldn’t missed the deadline. went into the studio a lot. I’ve got stuff in get paid. But it was cool because of the $: I remember talking with you about that a the can. A lot of it is alternate takes, earlier scene. That’s where you saw everybody. year ago. recordings, same songs from another ses- You just hung out there. I used to cruise Cliff: That’s how long it took to get it sion, live in the rehearsal studio stuff. We right up to the entrance in my grandfather’s together. It’s not like we’re a new band and also have a lot of live recordings from old beat-up ’64 Merc. We had the best time all live together and there’s nothing else in shows that were done in ’77 and ’78 that there. Great time. But no one thought it was our lives. It’s not like that anymore. someone recorded with a cassette recorder something special. Now people want the $: I get the sense that you guys are some- or something. I’m archiving them on the doors and the walls. They want to go down what secretive people. hard drive and we’re just going to burn CDs there and see it. Cliff: It’s not that we’re secretive. We’re for whoever wants to purchase them from $: You must have a story I’ve never heard pretty normal people. I don’t have any our website. before. explanation for the way things have hap- The sound quality isn’t that great but Cliff: I remember going down there and I pened, they just happened that way. We cer- when we digitize it and re-master it we’ll don’t know if it was a show or a party and tainly didn’t plan it out. try to boost the bass or trim off some of the the police came down. And all of the sud- $: I think the tag “artist” creates a certain treble but it’s pretty much going to be as is. den they start hitting people with their amount of mystery and intrigue, especially I have cassettes of maybe 10 live shows. sticks. I walked up the stairs, got outside, when you don’t know much about their pri- There all the same songs, but they’ll be for and they shut it down. It was all politics. vate lives. whoever would like to have them. $: The clubs on the Strip didn’t like the fact Cliff: That’s true for a lot of people. I like listening to them. What’s great is that it was going on. Anyone who has a high profile and tries to sometimes you’ll hear us tuning up. I’ve got Cliff: It’s not like the Masque was cutting keep their private life private is going to tapes of us without the drummer. Rehearsal into their business. I guess it was, but only a encounter that. That’s they way it is. tapes. I’ve even got a tape of us rehearsing hundred people could get down there. I $: What song are you most proud of? and then you hear the Nerves come in and remember playing there on several occa- Cliff: I think our most well known song is talk us into doing our first show. sions and we were filmed for a TV pilot “We Got the Neutron Bomb” and I don’t $: That’s history. down there for a show called At Night. This know why that’s the most well known. It Cliff: You hear Peter Case and the other guy who was the host of the show inter- was a single on Dangerhouse. “Happy guys. And we’re, like, so naïve. We’re say- viewed us and filmed us while we played. It People.” “Who What When Where Why?” ing stuff like, “Yeah, I guess we should do was a multi-camera shoot. I still have the On Condor, I really like “Something’s that.” tape. That was a great moment. We did Moving.” I really like the way that one $: I’d love to hear that. Since we’re on the some neat shows down there, but we only came out. “Helium Bar” is another one. subject of punk rock history, what is your played it a couple times. Once we played There’s a song called “I Feel” on the Rhino most vivid memory of the Masque? down there after it was closed. It was okay EP. Cliff: The Masque was a neat place because to rehearse or do a party, as long as you did- $: I don’t think I’ve heard that one. of the scene. Before the Masque started, we n’t charge money at the door. The Cliff: That might be on the next volume. were already playing the Whisky, the last time we played there was $: What else are you planning for that? Starwood, and there were nice sound sys- Memorial Day of ’78. Back then it Cliff: It would be kind of similar to Volume tems, stages, lights, and you can get drinks was fun. It was so much fun. 69 Dan Monick’s
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...The Mean Fucking Reds BAR FEEDERS, THE: 50 Please note: If you’re Ways to Leave Your Liver: CD an established record Underneath one of the best album titles I’ve heard in a long time is some fast, company, and you send sloppy drunk (duh) punk, kind of like us a pre-release without Schlong or Your Mother mixed with a all the album art, we’re little bit of No Means No. Like the probably going to throw other Bar Feeders records, this is pret- ty good, but the real clincher for this that shit away... band is their live show. Live, the No cock gobblers. Means No influence shines through a little more, and so does the drunken- ness. This isn’t essential, but it might be nice if you knew the words to these 30 YEARS WAR: songs so you can sing along at their Under the Gun: CD-EP shows. –Not Josh (A.D.D.) Balls-on-fire hardcore or sort of tidied- up crust – I don’t know exactly where BARGAIN MUSIC: the punk pundits would put this one. The Magic Is Over: CD Chain of Strength with industrial A weird mix of metal, dub reggae and strength itching powder in their jock Prince-influenced funk, ultimately straps. I like it. –Aphid Peewit landing on its ass in bar band land. (Substandard) Where’s the anarchy in looking and –Jimmy Alvarado (Beatville) ADAM WEST: BATHTUB SHITTER: God’s Gift to Women: CD sounding like a parrot in a karaoke Lifetime Shitlist: CD In the ROCK vein of Zeke, The A Japanese grind band with some of Hellacopters, or The Candy Snatchers, band? –Jimmy Alvarado the worst lyrics I’ve ever read. but what makes me love a band like Granted, some of it may be due to a The Candy Snatchers is that Larry May ing after a while. The Agitators are the people, tries to write lyrics, they come desire to sing in English being ham- can sing and has more personality in best of the three and are a little catchy out like, “We’re tired of lies; we want strung by a rudimentary grasp of the his big toe than entire bands of this at times but nothing to really hook me the truth!” and “It’s up to you to see language, but that doesn’t really genre. I have heard quite a bit of Adam in. Is every oi band required to do a through lies by those who’ve led us to explain away verses like “Countless West over the years and the vocals cover of “Sally MacLennane”? –Toby endless world strife”? Why do they feel tributaries of a river/ Where is it have always held me back. Try as I (Street Anthem) the need to dumb everything down for going?/ I drink and think about it/ But might, this one thing keeps me from people? Why is it the politically correct really need a snack/ And my blood ves- being a fan. –Wanda Sprag (I Used To ALTAIRA: thing to be completely dogmatic and sel wants beer.” Musically it ain’t too Fuck People Like You In Prison) Weigh Your Conscience: CD humorless? Why does everything about terrible, and the cookie monster/high- Although they thank Bruce Anti-Flag seem so sterile and pitched squeal dual vocal interplay is AGAINST ME!: Springsteen’s hips in the liner notes processed? The thing that baffles me funny as hell, but I really shouldn’t …As the Eternal Cowboy: CD (hot!), I couldn’t really get excited the most is that this album is probably have looked at the lyric sheet first. I’m probably the only person I know about this. Melodic punk with break- going to be wildly successful, while –Jimmy Alvarado (www.shitjam.com) who didn’t go completely apeshit over downs, occasionally gruff vocals, you Last Match by the Thumbs, one of the this band’s first record. Don’t get me know the story. It’s not awful or noth- most intelligent, visceral, fist-swinging BATON ROUGE, LES: wrong, I like it and everything. It’s just in’, though. And, more importantly, punk albums in recent years, has been My Body-The Pistol: CD that every time I’d listen to it, I’d think what about the name? A quick google totally ignored. There’s no shortage of Raucous, dark, female-fronted punk of something else that I’d rather listen search revealed the following: 1.) awesome politically-oriented punk often similar in tone to bands like the to, like Sockeye. I didn’t have any “Altaira is a rule-based visual language bands out there. This just isn’t one of Lost Sounds, although there ain’t a expectations for this album, but it real- for the control of small mobile robots, them. –Not Josh (Fat) synth within miles of this. Things get a ly caught me off guard. The drumming using a tile-based navigation scheme.” bit arty at times, but that doesn’t hide sounds a lot better than their first 2.) the Arabic word for bird or high- ASSOCIATED SCUM: the fact that there’s some good noise album, the singing is much more tune- flying 3.) the eleventh brightest star in free demo: CD-R bein’ made here. –Jimmy Alvarado ful, and the guitar sounds, surprisingly the sky (Altair) or 4.) a female fantasy Picked this up outta the flyer pile at Dr. (Elevator Music) enough, like it came off an early Cure character. Let’s hear it for tile-based Strange and figured I’d give ‘em some album. Granted, I think the last two navigation schemes! This is Cheerios. free publicity. What you get here is BEERZONE: songs on this album completely suck, Okay! –Maddy (A.D.D.) direct, non-metal hardcore with some Live on the Dive: CD but the other nine songs are pretty nice tempo changes here and there to A board quality recording of a live per- fucking awesome, so I guess I’m con- AMBIVALENT: keep things interesting. Five songs in formance by this venerable English verted. –Not Josh (Fat) self-titled demo: CD-EP nine minutes means they pretty much band, recorded live in Brighton in Judging solely from the sound of this, refrain from self-indulgence, as it August 2002. Proving that they are not AGITATORS, THE: one is led to assume they’re an East LA should be when one is playing in a merely a “studio band,” the boys crank Meeting The Lads: CD backyard band. Decent, mid-tempo hardcore band. Just get in there, raise out thirteen tracks of Test Tube Baby- BROKEN HEROES/WEEK- punk marred by a limp four-track mix hell and get the fuck out, you know? damaged punk rock, sick with hooks END WARRIORS: Beer Guts job. They thank god and beer in that Drop ‘em an email and check ‘em out. and heavy on the humor. Personal and Drunk Sluts: Split CD order. Now that’s punk rock, man. –Jimmy Alvarado (Associated Scum) favorite here is “Strangle All the Boy They have split CDs; why not a split –Jimmy Alvarado (no address) Bands,” a sentiment I think we all can review? I’m putting this in one review BACKUP PLAN, THE: get behind. –Jimmy Alvarado cause I can pretty much say the same ANN BERETTA: Dearest Whomever...: CD (Beerzone) for all three bands. Street/oi punk is Three Chord Revolution: CD Dear Todd, I am too old to have to what we are looking at here. Nothing Man, my wife is going to love this! think of something good to say about BEN GRIM: Retro: CD too intelligent in the lyrics, nothing One Man Army meets the Plimsouls. I ninth generation Dag Nasty rehashes. As an official board member of The fancy with the music, just straightfor- need to give this to her now before she Please hire a fourteen-year-old for that. Committee to Preserve Pop Punk ward oi with the usual topics: drinking, tells me that I never turn her on to new Thank you. –Cuss Baxter (CPPP), I should, by all rights, love soccer, hanging with friends, class war, music again. –Donofthedead (Union) (New Day Rising) this CD. I mean, what’s not to love? It’s drinking and more drinking. Now decent pop punk. It’s recorded in Green repeat the chorus over and over and ANTI-FLAG: BAILER: Bay. It’s one of those career-spanning over and throw in an “Oi, Oi, Oi!” here The Terror State: CD This Took Too Long: CD-EP retrospectives, which allows me, the and there and you have these three Here’s me scratching my head. Why is This took too long to get to the end. reader, to spend less time tracking bands. There is nothing wrong with this it that whenever this band, seemingly –Jimmy Alvarado (Not Bad) down out-of-print records. After a few 72 at all, it just gets so bor- made up of intelligent, well-informed listens, though, the CPPP must release but when one of the chefs responsible the following statement: This is indeed for this meal is Angry Samoan guitarist decent pop punk, but it won’t knock Greg Turner, the mess before you, as your leopard-printed socks off – except well as the cover of “Little Black Egg,” for the bonus tracks (sloppy and great!), which was a staple of the Samoans’ set, and the rockin’ Zero Boys cover with makes complete sense. Is this the long- Rev. Nørb on vocals (which is hoped-for answer to Back from Samoa? Cinnamon Toast Crunch). When this No, so get over it. Is it a good listen? Top 40 7”s band is messier and less-produced, it’s Without a doubt. –Jimmy Alvarado a-okay! The rest is Kix. Punk! –Maddy (Triple X) (Boss Tuneage) Vinyl rules, BLOODY LOVELIES, THE: stupidass BENCHWARMER: Some Truth Self-titled: CD & Some Money: CD I just can’t nail this one in the head. Me This is what I picture: Dave Jones These are thinks this sounds like the singer of Sick leaves the Monkees and sings for a time the of it All joins the guys in the Meat with the Doors, the Beatles or covers top 7”S Puppets and brings back to life Kurt Elton John songs. –Donofthedead Cobain for additional guitar duties and (Cheap Lullaby) since summons Bill Stevenson from the last All/Descendents to drum along to play BLUE ROOT: mag. a weird jazz noise thing. Holocene Epoch: CD –Donofthedead (UR) Too mainstream in a MTV, Creed, Godsmack, etc. kind of way for me to BLACK PRINT: continue listening. –Donofthedead Underground Medicine Mailorder, Movement: CD (Dough Main) Five sincere but emotional outbursts Conneticut from this Chicago band; I could just be BOSS MARTIANS: lazy and call it emocore, but that would- The Set-Up: CD n’t be fair. Four of the five tracks aren’t Sounds like Second Coming or similar 1. Deadly Weapons-You’re So Selfish (Rapid Pulse) half bad, but they are good enough Dickies album of low consequence, but musicians to get to a stronger and more with all the humor and idiosyncrasies 2. The Bags-Disco’s Dead (Artifix) original place. If Slayer and replaced by, you know, SERIOUS- 3. Havenots/Soviettes (Nice & Neat) Crackerbash had a love child, it might NESS (except for the three songs where sound like Black Print. Sadly, similar they chuck that particular Wile E. 4. Sgt. 6 Assault-Goin’ Down On You (Rapid Pulse) bands already littered most of the ‘90s. Coyote-like master plan and decide to -Wanda Sprag (Quincy Shanks) rip off Elvis Costello as brazenly as 5. FM Knives-Keith Levene (Dirtnap) possible [“Run and Hide” ends a line BLACKTOP: I Got A with the word “defenses” phrased, 6. First Time-You Can’t Hurt Me (Jonny Cat) Baaad Feelin’ About This: CD accentuated and harmonized EXACT- Subtitled “The Complete Recordings”, LY as it was in whatever Elvis Costello 7. Vaticans-Commotion (Pure Filth) it appears to be the complete recordings recording paired it with “present tens- of a twangy garageswamp combo front- es”; “Oh, Angela” is almost impossible 8. MOTO-Spiral Slouch (Shit Sandwich) ed by hoarse ex-Gorie Mick Collins. to listen to without chiming in “my aim Twenty-six tracks bust out a Cramps- is true!” every so often]). Yeah, there 9. Strong Come Ons-Yell A Lot and Suck (Big Neck) meet-Birthday Party skid row-meander are a few neat keyboard and synth thin- thudverb party that gets under your skin gies here and there, but, ultimately, they 10. Checkers-You Don’t Wanna Know (Radio Beat) like a dirty needle and makes a little don’t add up to much. “I Am Your infected area that throbs for a few days Radio,” proclaims the band. Not really; and grows a little crusty scab that’s irre- i plan on listening to my radio again sistible to pick at. A little more reigned- after tonight. BEST SONG: “Oh, in than some In The Red product, but Alison” er, i mean “Oh, Angela” BEST fully fleshed-out in it’s own particular SONG TITLE: “(The Angels Wanna Disgruntled Mailorder, suit and tie. Oh, and, “Your Pretty Face Wear My) Red Shoes” ...oh, wait, that California (Is Goin to Waukeegan)”! –Cuss Baxter was somebody else. FANTASTIC (In The Red) AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Thank you list makes mention of a Madison band 1. BellRays “Lion’s Den” (Vital Gesture) BLOOD DRAINED COWS, referred to as “Knuckle Drager,” the THE: 13: CD funny part being that they spelled this 2. Red Onions “Live Wire” (Revenge) An odd record that features ex-Angry band’s name wrong because they forgot Samoan Greg Turner. More on the col- to misspell “Knuckel.” –Rev. Nørb 3. Killer Dreamer “Survival Guns” (Kapow) lege rock side of things than punk. (MuSick) Songs that sound like children’s riddles 4. The Skulls “Gold And Ruby Red” (Headline) to sonic ‘60s garage to the blues. The BRAINERD: lyrics are pretty interesting and sound There’s No Eye in Pussy: CD 5. The Minds “Rip Out Your Eyes” (Alien Snatch) abstract to an average person while it ...yeah, and there’s no good bands in makes perfect sense to the author. If you Madison, either. Worse than Pachinko; want to hear something outside the box, how many orders of magnitude worse i 6. The Checkers “You Don’t Wanna Know” (Radio Beat) this might make your prostate swell. cannot rightly say. BEST SONG: I –Donofthedead (Triple X) don’t mind “MDS” and, curiously, 7. First Time “You Can’t Hurt Me” (Johnny Cat) “White Bitch” BEST SONG TITLE: BLOOD DRAINED COWS, “So Seattle” FANTASTIC AMAZING 8. Defiance “Against The Law” (Dirty Punk/PunkCore) THE: 13: CD TRIVIA FACT: Band’s a perfect four- Heaping slops of psych-rock, trash for-four on the facial hair tally. punk, Leonard Cohenisms, lyrics that –Rev. Nørb (Crustacean) 9. Distraction “Autodestruct” (Unity Squad) touch upon what goes on in one’s mind, semi-acoustic ramblings, and other BRAINOIL: self-titled: LP 10. The Functional Blackouts “s/t” (Electrorock) assorted weirdness are mooshed togeth- This is an eight song LP of what they er on a plate with a side of “Chupacabra call noise. Noise was very popular Rock ‘n’ Roll.” A bizarre meal, indeed, around the early and mid ‘90s. Seems like it died down and went away for a melodic punk. This LP seems to be a true to the style and sentiment that DEAD ENDS: while. Maybe it’s making a come back compilation of past material from 7”s made ‘em famous. I was always a bit Subhumanoid Meltdown: CD or maybe this is one of the bands keep- and compilations. I must say this stuff pick-and-choose with these guys, but Decent enough dual guitar rock/punk ing it alive. I don’t know. To be honest, is good. A long time ago, they had a 7” hardcore fans should no doubt be that would’ve been outstanding if I don’t like this music at all. That does- come out on Pogo Attack here in the pleased as punch with both tracks. they’d only ditch the Misfits-isms. n’t matter. I have heard many a band do States. After giving the 7” a listen, I –Jimmy Alvarado (Haunted Town) Look, I can totally understand influ- this style, and for what they are doing, phoned Sean from Pogo Attack to tell ences, but wallowing in hackneyed this is good. In other words if you are a him it was brilliant. Since that time, CONNER: Danzig-posturing only illustrates a lack noise fan, get this because you will like things have not changed. That 7” is The White Cube: CD of creativity, and one need look no fur- it. The songs are slow and sludgy and included on this LP too, so I would say College rock gruel with speech imped- ther than Danzig himself for proof of the vocals are rough. Like I said, I am get this LP. This band is good and iment/fake British accent vocals. this. In short, fuck the Misfits, man, not a fan, but, if you are, you will like although they don’t release too much, Stylized artsy Johnny Thunders- what do YOU have to say for yourself? this record. –Mike Beer (Life is Abuse) what they do release is good solid wannabe dung. I would rather change –Jimmy Alvarado (Rabbit, address list- melodic punk. As an extra treat, the diapers at a senior citizen’s home than ed was complete gibberish) BRAT ATTACK, THE: vinyl is a bright yellow! –Mike Beer listen to this again. –Aphid Peewit Destruction Sound (Dirty Faces) (Underground Sounds) DEAD HEROES: System: CD Let it Ride: CD The only nice thing that I can say about CHICKENHEAD/ COUNTRY TEASERS: By looking at the front cover artwork this is that the dude who sings some- LOS CANADIANS: Full Moon Empty you would expect either a rockabilly times sounds like Oderus Urungus Mutiny in Miami: split CD Sportsbag: CD band or something else other than what from Gwar. But they say they don’t Raw, sloppy DIY punk rock from two There does not exist one single bad comes out of the speakers. Flip over to give a fuck if you like them or not, so Florida bands that were around in the Country Teasers track. Though he may the back and you get a picture of three they probably won’t be losing any early ‘90s. If you like raw, sloppy DIY, be construed as a racist, sexist, homo- guys wearing their leathers and possi- sleep over this review. –Not Josh you need this worse than you know. I phobic, off-key hater, I construe prima- ble favorite bands. Let’s see if they can (Longshot) didn’t know who either of these bands ry Teaser Ben Wallers as one thing pull this one off. The band is competent was, but it’s pretty cool and it’s the per- above all else: a genius, capable of here. A mix of Motorhead meets GBH BURY THE LIVING: fect companion to that Stun Guns high comedy and devastating sadness mixed with modern day UK in the likes self-titled: LP record that just came out a little while IN THE SAME SONG. Arrangements of Sick on the Bus. The music here is A nice dose of fast, angry hardcore ago. Members of these bands went on are often ramshackle, tumbling over what sells it for me. They make a con- from the Negative Approach school of to the Jack Palance Band, Allergic to themselves from lack of rehearsal (or scious effort to pay tribute to the UK hard knocks, although I wish the singer Bullshit, the Crumbs (I think), and concern for what’s “right”), lyrics often bands before them. They are not a copy would remember to take the micro- probably a thousand more. Thumbs up. self-referential, puerile and/or plain cat band by any means. They add their phone out of his mouth when he’s –Not Josh (This Here) silly, but who (you?) can deny the plain own personality to the mix. But you singing. It’s definitely a good thing to fucking inspiration of a line like “it’s can here where they are getting their hear more bands with a Negative CHOKING AHOGO: very cold outside but you have a warm basis from. Bad cover, good music. Approach influence as opposed to a Radars and Maps: CD vagina/may I overnight leave my penis –Donofthedead (Sin Klub) Youth of Today influence. My obliga- A college pop rock band that are com- inside ya?” That’s the comedy. How tory complaint is that the recording petent at what they do, yet fail to do about some sad: “Don’t cry for DEADLY WEAPONS: sounds a little muffled, robbing this anything for these ears. –Jimmy Crichton [a former Teaser], his suffer- self-titled: 7” EP band of some of the power achieved by Alvarado (www.victimrecords.com) ing is over/cry for Dominique and his A new outfit featuring Tina from the bands like Last in Line. –Not Josh unfortunate mother/cry for Nicola, of Trashwomen handling vocal duties. (Soul is Cheap) CHRIS BELLEAU AND whom he was her brother,” from Included here are two doses of the THE ZYDECO HOUNDS: “Deaths.” I mean, emosize all you want high-energy punk that Rapid Pulse BURY THE LIVING: Twitch Repeat Offender: CD about kisses and the end of summer, bands are known for delivering, and a of the Death Nerves: CD The band’s name is not some clever but this is real shit about real dead cover of GG Allin’s “Don’t Talk to The collected recordings of a swell moniker coined by a grindcore band friends. This is the real emo, the real Me.” “You Wreck Me” could easily hardcore band that is now no more, looking for a cheap laugh; these guys DIY (see “Boycott the Studio”), the have been a hardcore punk favorite had apparently. Their EP on Kangaroo a actually do play zydeco-influenced real essence of punk (despite lack of it been released back in the early ‘80s. while back was pretty smokin’, and the rock music. One of the stranger things pretty much everything that hallmarks Good stuff here. –Jimmy Alvarado same can be said for the thirty-seven I’ve pulled from the Razorcake “mys- punk musically), the actual synthesis of (Rapid Pulse) tracks that grace this release. Sad to see tery meat” piles, not because of the all that’s right and all that’s wrong ‘em go. –Jimmy Alvarado (Kangaroo) musical style these guys mine but about the world onto a 25-cent piece of DEFIANCE: because one can’t help but wonder fucking plastic. Now “get off my fuck- A Decade of Defiance: CD CABLE: what a zydeco-influenced rock band ing planet and take Alex Stuart with.” DEFIANCE: Never Trust A Gemini: CD was thinking when they sent their –Cuss Baxter (In The Red) Complete Singles Stoner sludge metal with nothing new release to a predominantly punk-ori- Collection: CD here to add to the genre. –Jimmy ented periodical. –Jimmy Alvarado CURSES, THE: #&$%: CD DEFIANCE: Alvarado (The Dark Reign) (www.zydecohouds.com) Rip Off punk rock strong on hooks and No Future, No Hope: CD attitude but lacking in originality and Okay, I sat and listened to all three of CALLSIGN COBRA: CHRISTIANSEN: oomph. If this had been a single with these straight through and this is what I self-titled: CD Stylish Nihilists: CD “Son of Sam” and “(Baby’s Got A) can come up with about them: These Rock with oodles of punk rock attitude A miserable mix of hardcore intensity, New Guitar,” I would’ve peed my guys haven’t a creative bone in their thrown into the mix and smart aleck arty emo pretentiousness and ELO- pants. As it stands with this full-length collective bodies. What you get for lyrics compliment the proceedings. styled arena rock. More succinctly, this in hand, I can only seem to muster a your buck here is three different discs Normally not my ball of wax, this was- bites some mighty big weenie. Look “they aren’t all that bad.” of a self-proclaimed Portland anarchist n’t too shabby. –Jimmy Alvarado for ‘em to make a splash on Letterman –Jimmy Alvarado (Empty) punk band who’ve spent a decade pay- (Not Bad) any day now. –Jimmy Alvarado ing homage to their three favorite punk (Revelation) DAYCARE SWINDLERS: bands (The Exploited, Conflict and the CARRION: This Is No Way Cockney Rejects, by the sound of it) by The Crime of Idle Hands: CD CIVET: self-titled: CD to Make A Living: CD stealing riffs and bellowing over them When they veered off into screamo ter- What seems to be an all-girl hardcore Gotta admit, for a professional punk lyrics that sound like they were lifted ritory I reached for the “incinerate” band adds just a smidge of glam to the band, these guys are kinda catchy when from some poorly written leaflets. button. –Jimmy Alvarado proceedings and the whole thing just they thrash things up. Then they start in Where’s the “be yourself” ethos in (www.epicenesoundsystems.com) dissolves into shit. –Jimmy Alvarado with the ska crap and I lose interest aping other bands? Where’s the cre- (Callgirl) faster than Bush can maintain a coher- ativity in firmly planting yourself in a CHARGE 69: Des Mots, ent thought. –Jimmy Alvarado rigid pigeonhole and not deviating des Rires, des Larmes CONDEMNED 84: (Beatville) from it in any way? Where’s the anar- et des Pleurs: LP No Way In: 7” chy in looking and sounding like a par- This band is from France and has been Two tracks recorded in 1986 by this old rot in a karaoke band? around since 1993. It’s good solid skinhead unit. Both are pretty much 75 Jeez, I never thought I’d see the day singing and playing guitar on midtem- tual vocals and zero songwriting tal- and genuine instruments jangling into when punks became as conservative po punk tunes about death via blud- ent. When they see there’s no money a perfected state of blues-ed out bliss as your average metal fan. Those who geon and the electric chair, plus the to be made in punk and promptly fuck along with some frantic barnshakers. I think Defiance somehow embody all guitar-playing singer’s original demo off to the next big trend, I will person- endorse it and fully live it! that is “punk” will no doubt be pleased version of one of said compositions, ally breathe a sigh of relief. –Miss Namella J. Kim (Estrus) as punch that this crap is available plus two more Jeff Beck (i think?) –Jimmy Alvarado (Orange Peal) again, but anyone who’s been around styled guitar wig-outs with Henry DIRTBOMBS, THE: longer than a week will view it as a Kaiser, plus ten Destroyed tracks ca. DILLINGER FOUR: Dangerous Magical Noise: CD very unfunny joke. –Jimmy Alvarado 1977-79 taken from old cassettes. I Live at 7th St. Entry: CD The Dirtbombs probably should’ve (Punk Core) think i speak for all us guys here at the Drunk, out of tune, and funny as all stuck to covering other people’s shop when i say that we’re all proud as hell, this is just like a real Dillinger songs. This doesn’t suck, but it’s not DENUNZIO: punch of you, and are certain you’ve Four show! If you’ve ever seen these anywhere near as good as Ultraglide The Three Point Stance: CD got a great future ahead of you in The guys, you know what to expect: two in Black, which in turn wasn’t nearly As I lay on my couch listening to this Biz! BEST SONG: “We Got It,” but minutes of music followed by five as good as the Gories. It’s a pretty through headphones, I found myself pretty much all that old Destroyed minutes of jokes. This is worth having spotty listen, and like almost every trying to come up with a single decent stuff is kinda great simply because the around for the between song banter, supergroup, it seems like a big inside punk band Denver has produced. singer’s rampant and shameless but it mostly just underscores the fact joke. It might’ve made a good seven Including DeNunzio, I couldn’t come Iggyisms are so Ig-tastically over the that these guys need to go on tour inch. –Not Josh (In the Red) up with a single one. top that they make Rik L Rik’s con- again. If you don’t even know who –Jimmy Alvarado (Hej Music) temporaneous Iggishness seem posi- they are, do yourself a favor and get DISTRACTION, THE/ tively Bowie-esque by comparison. all of their studio albums first. THE HATEPINKS: split 7” DESTROYED, THE: BEST SONG TITLE: For pure sleek- –Not Josh (LSD) Distraction: Jangly guitars, keyboards Outta Control: CD ness, i enjoy “Let’s Go Electric,” but and tone-deaf vocals. Hatepinks: a for- This is, apparently, a sequel to an ear- the sentimental favorite is “Don’t DIPERS, THE: How to Plan mer Gasolhead, distorted guitars, and lier CD released by the drummer, Worry, That Train Ain’t Gonna Hit Successful Parties: CD a Swell Maps cover. Hatepinks win by which, presumably for benefit of fam- You” FANTASTIC AMAZING Very arty, but noisy, which I guess a landslide. –Jimmy Alvarado ily, friends, the guys down at work and TRIVIA FACT: Though the band is means it had some redeeming quali- (Lollipop) maybe two or three other people, col- Boston-based, the Lemmy-lookin’ ties, but I’d be hard pressed to think of lected what i assume to be his life’s drummer sports a White Sox – not a any others. –Jimmy Alvarado DIVORCE: self-titled: 7” EP entire recorded output on one handy Red Sox – cap. NINE-teen-SEVEN- (Omnibus) Tumbling-a-piano-down-the-stairs compact disc; said output consisting teen! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!) type thrash/grind stuff. Your parents primarily of work in the late ‘70s with NINE-teen-SEVEN-teen! (clap! clap! DIPLOMATS OF SOLID will love it every time you put it on at the Boston punk band The Destroyed, clap-clap-clap!) –Rev. Nørb SOUND, THE: family gatherings. –Jimmy Alvarado plus two mysterious collaborations (Bert Switzer Media Empire, Ltd.) Let’s Cool One: CD (Tsunami) with fancy-pants guitar player Henry Easy listening for those with taste, Kaiser (?!). And, because YOU DEXTER DANGER: class, and a sense of sophistication all DOA: 25TH Anniversary demanded it, this follow-up features Written In Blood: CD-EP your own. The Hammond buzzes a Anthology: CD six recently-recorded tracks of the A bargain bin Tiger Beat punk band warm and mellow groove while the This starts with “Disco Sucks” from drummer drumming and the singer with loud guitars, agonizingly ineffec- band liberally douses with handclaps 1978, a cool, raw punk song that shows DOA as a band full of talent. Suburban Lawns, X-Ray Spex and EMBROOKS, THE: EMBROOKS, THE: Next you have songs from the two Lene Lovich, but all at the same time. Back In My Mind Back In My Mind: 7” great DOA albums, Something Better When I’m ready to shoot something b/w The Time Was Wrong: 7” Strong psych-pop that’s very true to the Change and Hardcore 81, followed by down, a band puts me in my place. This band’s Our New Day album was period they’re obviously influenced by War on 45, in which DOA – sometimes –Donofthedead (Noise Maker) one of the top two or three records of and perfect for my trips to Itchykoo known as the Canadian Clash – prove 2000 A.D. and remains in the All- Park. What did I do there? You figure it that they’re absolutely NOT the Clash ELECTRIC Millennium Top Ten (assuming you, out. –Jimmy Alvarado (Butterfly) and should never try reggae again and FRANKENSTEIN/ like i, consider Y2K to be the first year never, ever, ever cover “War” again. EL NADA: split CD of the new millennium, even though, ENDS, THE: New Rome: 7” Good god, y’all. “Fuck You” comes in A good split. First off, we have Electric owing to an accounting error, 1 B.C. In the span of a little over a year, the as a testament to the old days of DOA’s Frankenstein. They have been around proceeded directly to 1 A.D. without Ends have become one of the best greatness (though it is, of course, a for many years, released a ton of benefit of a year zero – thus technical- bands around, luring the listener in Subhumans [Canada] song), before records, and they continue to play ly rendering year 2000 the last year of with their happy, bouncing rhythms, they mired themselves in metal and good, low-down rock’n’roll, or garage, the second millennium A.D., not the and then attacking with razor sharp pretty much stayed there from 1982 on. if you want to call it that. If you like first year of the third); in marked con- guitar hooks and snotty vocals. That In short, this anthology is just like them you will want to get this CD. trast, their first album isn’t even worth being said, the title song is a bit of a let- DOA’s music career: fucking awesome Next up is El Nada. If I’m not mistak- listening to. This latest 45 is some- down. The music is repetitive and mid- at the beginning, and let’s just ignore en this band has the same Dave Chavez where in between. The a-side pretty tempo, the vocals are really mumbly, the rest. –Sean (Sudden Death) who was in Sick Pleasure, Verbal faithfully recreates whatever interval and the whole thing brings to mind a Abuse, and many other bands. The of sonic time (uh... “tyme?”) was in more pedestrian version of the Stitches. DOGS, THE: dude still skates and plays hardcore effect when UK freakbeat started to The B-side more than makes up for it, Suburban Nightmare: CD after all this time, and hardcore is what morph into psychedelia; the b-side, though. They play like a band building Everyone’s favorite LA-by-way-of- El Nada is all about. Fast, old school apart from a few discontemporaneous on their influences rather than being Detroit proto-punk band resurfaces style and guaranteed to make you love production flourishes, sounds like one mistaken for them, and it’s a winner. with some top-notch rock’n’roll. It’s ‘em. Each band on this split does three of those almost-brutal, almost-ballads –Not Josh (Dirtnap) rare when a band manages to release an originals and then does a cover of the on The Who’s A Quick One and Sell album of new material that can stand other band’s song. Now go out and get Out albums. I don’t dislike it, but i ESTROGENOCIDE: up to their “essential” efforts of the this CD. –Mike Beer (Finger) don’t really hear a hit here, either – nor self-titled: CD past, and this is such a case. The songs is the slashing, punky energy of Our This is either two people who have way are strong, the band sounds like it has- ELECTRIC, THE: New Day there to give a cursory lap- too much time on their hands or your n’t aged a day, and the whole thing Poor Loretta: 7” dance to my eternally punk rock lap. porthole into the mind of a bi-polar manages not to sound dated in the Hey, I’ve “snorted cocaine off the tor- New album, please. BEST SONG: maniac. Equal parts new wave, gore least. Crank it up and prove to your sos of the daughters of kings,” too. “Back In My Mind” BEST SONG porn lyrics and a drum machine. Songs mom that people her age can, indeed, Nice to know I wasn’t the only one, TITLE: i don’t like either. FANTAS- are sung in a monotone goth-like man- bring the rock. –Jimmy Alvarado although I never went so far as to write TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Back ner. Irritating enough to bug me after (Dionysus) a shitty song about it. cover photo was taken at approximate- awhile, so you can imagine what the –Jimmy Alvarado ly 5:53 local time. Also, their bass average person would think. DOOM BUGGY: (Bert Dax Cavalcade of Stars) player is actually Lucky the –Donofthedead (M.H.) Versus the Beast: CD Leprechaun from Lucky Charms™ I get the eerie chills of listening to the cereal. –Rev. Nørb (Butterfly) EVEN IN BLACKOUTS: rible, but I think this first listen will be boring out there in the desert. FIXED IDEA: Foreshadows on the Wall: CD its last. –Toby (Johann’s Face) (Incidentally, I saw another Farces Chuco Life XXIV: CD “Hey, you ignorant music reviewer, Wanna Mo CD at the Children’s This has two strikes against it right you! Our band plays punk rock using EXPLODING FUCK Hospital thrift store yesterday. I didn’t from the get-go: 1) Ska tunes, 2) The solely acoustic instruments! We will DOLLS, THE: buy it.) –Cuss Baxter (My X-Lover) “vato loco” vibe they’re trying to play bludgeon over the head with this fact Here’s to Your Fuck: CD up here. The whole mystique sur- until you proclaim us to be the saving Career retrospective of a band that had FAT ASS: We Have Come rounding the Chicano gang subcul- grace of modern punk rock!” Guess Duane Peters in it about ten years ago. For Your Mothers: CD ture, especially when it comes to the what? It sucks! The press sheet even Sixteen songs from 1998-92 (reverse So I’m sitting here wading through entertainment industry, is nothing calls them minstrels! Maybe if they chrono order) sounding very much some bottom-of-the-barrel reject discs more than the Brown equivalent of the had electric guitars they wouldn’t like a SoCal Clash or Sex Pistols. My I’ve been putting off reviewing for this minstrel and the inherent “circus sound like the Dixie Chicks. guess is they were probably a lot more issue and I come upon this buried in music” quality in ska is surprisingly –Not Josh (Knock Knock) interesting to watch than listen to; the crap I’ve scooped up. Depressed appropriate here. Fuck, you could’ve some video would have been nice, but and more than a little punchy, thanks spent all the time and effort you put EVIL BEAVER: I reckon it’ll bring back some pleasant to the long line of affected college into your songs educating those Pleased to Eat You: CD memories for those who did see them. boys who have vented their politically exposed to your music about the good Well, I have to say that this CD got my –Cuss Baxter (no label) correct rage into my ear over the things about the culture instead of attention very quickly with not only course of the previous fifteen releases reinforcing the stereotype that we are the band name and album title, but the FAILURE, THE: I’ve listened to today, I look at the all ignorant criminals. Parade around song titles and the fact that there were ...of Reason: CD cover, grunt, place the disc in the like a bunch of payasos if you want, two attractive ladies on the CD sleeve Emo... –Donofthedead (Meter) stereo and hit “play,” bracing myself but this is one Chicano who won’t be as well. When I popped it in, however, for the pop punk onslaught that will no smiling. –Jimmy Alvarado (no address) it was something I wasn’t expecting. I FARCES WANNA MO: doubt come belching forth from my was all ready to hear some low brow If Not Why Not?: CD speakers. Much to my surprise, what FORGE: porn/thrash/metal/punk a la Stool Serious nerd-out from 29 Palms, CA. came from said speakers if some Bring on the Apocalypse: CD Sample or something like it. This First track: “Grammarchy,” a dis- prime-rate punk rock that sent my Helmet meets Ignite. –Donofthedead turned out to be more of an emo/metal course on language to the tune of depression scampering for the hills. (Static) CD. I’m not too familiar with this “Anarchy in the UK” (barely). Others “Man, I needed this,” I say to myself genre so I will have to take some steps include “Who’s Got Time to Build as I crank it up to eleven. Fuck com- FRISK, THE: back to compare it to what I remem- Infrastructure?”, “Here is a Cake,” parisons, this is just one of them discs Audio Ransom Note: CD ber. Grunge is the first word that pops “Bela Lugosi Loves Honky-Tonkin’” that just rocks and nothing more need Another near miss to these ears here. into my head. For instance, if this was and “If the Egges Don’t Cooke.” It’s a be said about it. A glance at the “thank Like the lyrics a lot, especially the use 1993, they would have no trouble get- huge mess of samples, talking, count- you” notes on the inside reveals a of alliteration, and I appreciate the ting signed to Sub Pop. It’s got a deep, less musical styles, and goofy nutti- Razorcake mention and I think how attempt to do something different fuzzy sound with decent female vocals ness. Brings to mind the stuff on Eerie symbiotic that is – we Razorcakers from the norm, but this sounds like the singing melodically at times and angry Materials, a label that put out scads of only dig the finest in music and, in Freeze fucking Guttermouth in all the and others. This appears to be two weird homemade weirdness (is it still turn, are thanked by only the finest of wrong ways. I really wanted to like females, one on drums and one on around?), or maybe a Negativland- bands. –Jimmy Alvarado (Diaphragm) this, but I… just… can’t. –Jimmy bass. No guitar. It’s not absolutely ter- obsessed Sockeye. Must get pretty Alvarado (Adeline) FUCK YEAHS, THE: willing to forgive almost anything. At and funny enough (or I assume they’re and my head miss the Runaways that self-Titled: 7” their best, The Fuse! remind me of The funny; I can’t hear the words but the much more. –Jimmy Alvarado (Mint) This is way fucking overdue. For Cows, making noise sound better than singer sings like he’s cracking himself those unfortunates living outside the noise should. The comparison ends up) to be called punk. The guitarist GITS, THE: Enter Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. there, though, because The Fuse! don’t and sometimes singer of Cocaine the Conquering Chicken: CD Paul, the Fuck Yeahs have been throw- stray from your basic song structures Piñata is in this band (that means Wow, this takes me back. Although the ing guitars at each other and getting nearly as much as The Cows did. At something to about five people). He’s Gits were one of those bands I never banned from bars since 1997 or so and their worst, The Fuse! sound like the one who wrote the letter. He was got around to listening to back when all the while playing some of the most they’re trying to resurrect the MC5, also bummed that the Knockout Pills they were originally making the infectious “good time” punk rock but they don’t slide into those didn’t mention the Fusty Lugs in the rounds, I do remember them being the around. They used to bill themselves moments too often, and you really interview that ran in Razorcake #15, big cheese in the scene, as well as the as “three chord punk from the land of can’t accuse them of being a knockoff but the truth is, they did. I didn’t shockwave that hit when their singer, sky-blue waters” – an apt description or of chasing any trends. There’s a lot include it in the interview because Mia, was murdered a decade ago. as well as a nod to Hamm’s, their of room for originality left between when I was transcribing it, I couldn’t Listening to this now, I can’t help but favorite beer at the time. Their charm The Cows and the MC5, and The quite make the words out. I was think- wonder where they might have ended for me has always been like that of a Fuse! are taking up that room. This is ing, what did he just say? Rusty up had her life not ended so abruptly gang of attention deficit kids – the the kind of album that’ll make you Shrugs? Busty Hugs? Lusty Tugs? Oh, ‘cause they were quite proficient at kind back in grade school who would turn it up until your speakers are fuck it. Anyway, I would say there’s what they did. Although songs like eat play-doh and smear big goopy blown out. Luckily, the way it was something in the water in Tucson that “New Fast One” and “Sign of the boogers on the wall to spell out their recorded makes this album sound like makes for some pretty fucking solid Crab” show an ability to punk things name – all wired up on SweetTarts and it’s playing through blown out speak- punk rock, but there’s no water in up with ease, there’s also a bar band Mountain Dew. They even have a ers already. I’m still not sure if that’s a Tucson. It’s a desert. I don’t know undercurrent to the proceedings as song called “Ritalin,” which is a tip- good thing, but I’m sure that this is an what makes the Tucson punk so good, well, sorta like a grungier Big Brother off right there. Snotty and bratty, but album that I’m listening to a lot these but I’m glad they’re all sending me and the Holding Company. Tacked catchy and tight-as-fuck too. Imagine days. –Sean (In the Red) their demos. –Sean onto this reissue are some additional a more revved-up version of the ([email protected]) live tracks showing they could pull off Groovie Ghoulies with chunkier gui- FUSTY LUGS: live the quality of work they put into tars and a drum wizard from 6-song demo: CD-R GAY TASTEE: their studio recordings. Poignant, but a Dimension Z. Hopefully this is only According to the letter that came Gayest Hits: 2xCD good listen if you’re in the mood for the first of many releases to come along with this demo, these six songs I can’t believe someone spent the something a little different. –Jimmy from this band of happy-go-lucky were intended to be on an EP called money to put out a double CD of this Alvarado (Broken Rekids) spazzes. –Aphid Peewit Rock... and a Hard Place and the shit! The worst part of it, I’m having (Learning Curve) cover art was gonna be “a cut and to listen to it! Sounds like a boombox GONER: paste of hard dicks playing instru- recording of a bi-polar street musician. How Good We Had It: CD FUSE!, THE: ments (because dicks are always –Donofthedead (Hoex) First off, since this band has the same The Fisherman’s Wife: CD funny).” So, with a cover letter like name as what I would consider one of Admittedly, The Fuse! are arty and that, how could I not listen to the GAY, THE: the better record labels to commit pretentious, and normally I hate that, demo? Luckily, these six songs were a You Know the Rules: CD music to vinyl, they had big shoes to but if you bring on this much rock, I’m pleasant surprise: fast and tight Cutesy girlie pop that simultaneously fill before I even heard what they enough to be called hardcore, drunk made my toes curl, my stomach turn sounded like. Also, if you are going to call anything Goner, be convincing! are flying down the road ignoring all sounds like David Brenner. I can’t even chain in the title, “XLII to UR90.” The Instead, I feel that the singer got caution. I thought this was going to be begin to fathom why someone thought other two songs, one of which is a dumped by his college girlfriend and another horror rock band mimicking it would be a good idea to release this. Sheer Terror cover, are pretty straight- started a band. It’s too wimpy for me, the Misfits. Putting them up against the –Not Josh (Sub City) forward hardcore. Not bad at all. Crime but I like music that makes me question modern day Misfits, these guys would in Stereo: Hardcore with a Jawbreaker if my speakers are blown or if my nee- embarrass them into quitting music. JUST A FIRE: Light Up: CD undercurrent just doesn’t sit right with dle needs to be replaced. They have the knack of writing a All I have to say is they sound like a these ears. A wee bit too emo for com- –Wanda Sprag (Bifocal Media) catchy tune. Included in the packaging modern, garage version of the Police. fort. –Jimmy Alvarado is a thin piece of steel to make having –Donofthedead (Asian Man) (www.blackoutrecords.com) GRABBIES, THE: this package sent to you cost more in I Wanna Be Blind: 7” postage. That is sure nice of them! KAOS: Komplete Kaos: CD KILLER KLOWN: Punk as Hate from Italy via San –Donofthedead (Earforce) A collection of demos and rehearsal Evilution: CD Francisco that’s full of relentless tracks from Johnny Stingray’s post- Garage punk with Cramps overtones. dumb-brute energy that chases its own HUNTINGTONS: Controllers outfit that, prior to this, Three chords of raunchy fun with cool tail around and around in the most self-titled: CD only managed to release the Product of organs sounds. If you like straight up beautifully idiotic way. Sort of a lo-fi What we have here, folks, is middle of a Sick Mind 7” on What? Records back rockin’ punk with the horror imagery, version of the Rocking Dildos. the road pop punk music that owes its in the early 1980s. As evidenced here, these Italians might do it for you. Shlocky, fast ‘tard punk with racing existence to The Ramones first and these guys had the chops and the tunes –Donofthedead (Scarey) guitars and an indecipherable vocalist foremost. Besides that, didn’t The to put out what would’ve been one hell who sounds like a tiny, infuriated Queers already do this? The Mr. T. of a classic album, yet never got the LA MOTTA: Popeye impaled on a fondue fork, all Experience? These bands are a dime a chance. Also included here is a pretty Love California: CD-EP on lovely dead-fingernail grey vinyl. I dozen these days. Can you hear that funny interview with the band from Loud, Marshall-overdriven pop. Singer think I love this band. –Aphid Peewit change clanging in my pocket? KPFK circa 1980 with El Duce making sounds like Billy Corgan, which can’t (Proud to be Idiot) Probably not since I cut a hole in it and a phone-in appearance. A consistently be a good thing in any circles. –Jimmy let ‘em all spill out all over the ground. good listen here and a nice retrospec- Alvarado (Boss Tuneage) HALLOMASS: I’ve got no use for music like this, tive of one of LA’s more obscure self-titled: CD-EP maybe you do. Feel free to pick up that bands. –Jimmy Alvarado (Artifix) LAST COLLAPSE: Taking into account the band name, the dime on the ground. –Greg Barbera The Fallen: CD face paint, and a song title lifted from a (Fastmusic) KICKASS, THE: No sooner had I popped this in when horror novel, this screamed “Misfits Death Metal is for Pussies: CD my wife rushed in with a worried look clone,” but they weren’t, surprisingly. INDEPENDENTS, THE: Breadwinner-style math metal that on her face. “What’s wrong?” she Their vaguely poppy garage demo of Full Moon Arise: CD really rips for a little while, but I can asked. “Nothing, why?” I responded. punk-cum-college sound falls flatter Misfits clone band #3,428,137. This only take so much of this sort of herky- “Then how come you’re listening to than one would hope, but they never- one incorporates ska into the opening jerk, especially with no vocals (though Armored Saint, and when did they start theless get an A+ for not blindly wor- track. –Jimmy Alvarado (Fast Music) a trumpet provides a nice counterpoint trying to play punk?” I gotta admit, shipping at the altar of Danzig. –Jimmy to the endless chunk...-chunkachunk!, she’s often pretty dead on with her Alvarado (OBZ) INSTANT AGONY: etc) . Maybe it’s math jazz. Or jazz musical assessments and this is no Not My Religion: 7” metal. Whatever. I would’ve preferred exception. –Jimmy Alvarado (Embers) HEARTBREAK ENGINES: These lads hail from the UK and this is a single. –Cuss Baxter (Bifocal Media) Good Drinks, Good Butts, on Punk Core records. So what you’re LAZY AMERICAN Good Fellows: CD getting this time is a three-song 7” that KILL THE HIPPIES: WORKERS: Surf Lake Erie: CD Rockabilly for guys who strike a chord reminds me a lot of GBH’s early-to- Jerked Off by Strangers: 7” First thing that came to mind was the with CD titles that may be interpreted mid period records. Not a bad release It’s easy to be skeptical of a band with Dead Kennedys’ record In God We as a calling to being homosexual but at all. If you’re a fan of Punk Core, def- a name like “Kill the Hippies.” Trust, Inc. That is the feel I got from too macho to believe it or people who initely get this ‘cause you won’t be dis- Especially if the artwork features dicks this. This CD is much longer with four- really dig Tiger Army and the appointed. –Mike Beer (Punk Core) in three separate places. But Fightin’ teen songs. But the spirit of the latter Nekromantix. –Donofthedead (I Used Fun Bob of Cleveland, OH played this LP and this CD is very similar to me. to Fuck People like You in Prison) INTELLIGENCE, THE: record for me before I had a chance to The lyrics are more tongue in cheek Boredom and Terror: CD know the band’s name or see the art- and personal as opposed to thought HIGH TONE SON Arty, lo-fi synth noise with pro- work, and the music snagged me provoking. But the songs are energetic OF A BITCH: grammed drums, unleashed from the before critic-mode kicked in. The first and have a happy sarcastic feel to Better You Than Me: CD-EP mind of the A-Frames’ drummer. The song, “Flags and Gas,” is a hardcore them. Enjoyable. –Donofthedead (Sin This is quite possibly the worst metal whole thing has the vibe of a tape you political rant that reminded me of Klub) album since Heavy Metal Thunder by might make in your bedroom and give Harum Scarum, which is a good band Saxon. –Not Josh to all your friends for a laugh. to remind me of. The third song, ‘LECTRIC CHAIRS: (Unknown Controller) Interesting racket here, but I doubt it “Deserter,” reminded me of The Sparkolounger: CD would get a second listen. –Jimmy Feederz, which is another good band to Vaguely punk bar rock. Guess I just HORROR POPS: Alvarado (Omnibus) remind me of. The funny thing is, ain’t drunk enough to appreciate it. Hell Yeah: CD Harum Scarum and the Feederz have –Jimmy Alvarado (Dionysus) This sucks in ways I can’t even begin J’AURAIS VOULU: almost nothing in common, but the five to get into. Suffice it to say that this is Sans Trahir: LP songs on this Kill the Hippies seven LIBIDO GRANDE: the psychobilly equivalent of the kid- Another French band comes my way inch meander through a list of punk Wrecked: CD die-punk swill you hear on the radio, this month. This, like Charge 69, is and hardcore influences, all the while I listened to the whole thing and I was with a dash of ska thrown in to make it good solid punk rock with lots of maintaining a pretty unique sound. not happy. I would have much rather all the more accessible. About as melody. There isn’t too much more to This band must be big shit in a small pulled tapeworms out of my cat’s butt threatening and edgy as a No Doubt say. Perhaps the fact that there are fif- scene, and everyone at their shows than have to sit through this again. record. –Jimmy Alvarado (Hellcat) teen tracks would interest you. Or must be wondering why Kill the Having to listen to the drum distort out maybe the fact that the lyrics are good Hippies aren’t huge by now. Bands this because someone could not mix is irri- HUKEDICHT: United Horror and meaningful will interest you. original usually don’t get huge, but that tating. –Donofthedead (Failed of Rock N’ Roll: CD Regardless of those other things if you shouldn’t keep you from checking out Experiment) It’s sitting at the tip of my tongue of like good melodic punk sung with heart their seven inch. –Sean what band this reminds me of. It just you will like this. –Mike Beer (Kill the Hippies) LIMP WRIST/ eludes me like a job I actually enjoy. (Dirty Faces) KNIFED: split 7” EP Well, I can tell you one thing: this is KILL YOUR IDOLS/CRIME Limp Wrist: Assorted odds and sods some kick ass garage punk from JEFF OTT: IN STEREO: split CD-EP here, including their tracks from the Switzerland. They bang with convic- Will Work for Diapers: 2X CD Kill Your Idols: The first song has a first Histeria comp, the cut from tion while they carry out playing some Remember Crimpshrine? Remember weird “Negative Approach plays later Suburban Voice’s No Sleep for fine melodies. They also speed things how Jeff Ott’s voice sounded really period Hüsker Dü” feel to it and a great Hardcore comp and an unreleased up at points to make you feel like you gruff and scratchy? Forget it. Now he metaphor for sliding down love’s food gem, “Message to the 81 President,” all great tracks, all Devo and the first Boys record? Bear reminders of how much this band will with me on this: it’s weird and mentally be missed. Knifed: Really lame, uncre- skewed, but not so much that the result ative music coupled with some kick ass sounds purposefully disjointed, and it’s lyrics. –Jimmy Alvarado (Rejected) bouncy and poppy, but smart enough to keep the bubblegum instincts in check. LINK: Or maybe they’re just some dudes who The Kids Are Alright: CD like the Spits but know how to play I don’t know why I’m such a sucker for their instruments, it’s hard to tell. –Not any punk rock that comes from Japan, Josh (Shit Sandwich) but I am. I’m willing to overlook hand claps (which this album has) and refer- MEAN REDS: ences to the Who in the album title, and Destination Imagination: CD I’m willing to only give a passing notice My big surprise of this go-round: the to the obvious Op Ivy/Green packaging on this is seriously hideous, Day/Ramones influence, because no so much so that I saved it until almost matter what barbs the critic within me last to listen, expecting it to be wants to let loose, I can’t ignore the fact wretched, but slap me with a beef that these are fun songs. They have me tongue and call me cow supper. Eight bouncing around the room and smiling, (way too few) ditties of catchy soul and every time I play this album, I feel punk (I keep wanting to call it that but I a little bit happier for having heard it. I don’t know if it is that, or if that’s even could call this a guilty pleasure, but a thing) that sounds like it ought to be fuck that. It’s just a rockin’ album. on Swami and reminds me of how I felt –Sean (Adeline) when I listened to Nation of Ulysses. The singer’s got a highish voice that’s LITTLE KILLERS, THE: kind of like the Blood Brothers’ but self-titled: CD yelling instead of screaming, and the Straight ahead trash punk, with the music’s a little spastic and a lot bumpin, “Devil Dogs channeling the Stooges” dynamic as recommended, and like a sound one would expect. Gotta hand it party in a box. Prepare to dance, alone to ‘em, I found myself shaking a tail or in pairs. –Cuss Baxter (True Love) feather while this was on, so I guess they’re pretty darn good at what they METEORS: Psychobilly: CD do. –Jimmy Alvarado (Crypt) Wow, I didn’t even know these guys were still around. As suggested by the LOWER CLASS BRATS: The title, they’re still doing the psychobilly Clockwork Orange Singles: CD thang, although they don’t sound any- A quality street punk band from Austin, where near as frantic as I remember ‘em Texas, that appropriates imagery from being back in the day. The mix here the cult film A Clockwork Orange, the doesn’t help matters much, either, as it Lower Class Brats aren’t the most orig- sounds like they recorded this in a big, inal louts on the block, but they do it as empty hall. Lackluster and disappoint- well as anyone and there’s a sense of ing, to say the least. –Jimmy Alvarado conviction involved in the delivery. (I Used to Fuck People Like You In This CD culls tracks form the bands Prison) various EP’s, seven inches, and compi- lation tracks. Comes complete with a METHADONES, THE: safety pin and a gob of spit (just kid- Career Objective: CD ding). For those of you who don’t Another release from the old pop punk require more than two chords and bottle dynasty! Here we have Dan Vapid’s lat- of liquor to get you going, this here’s a est effort, with all its Mass Giorgini pro- Friday night record for you. Oi! duction and pop punk yumminess. –Greg Barbera (Punk Core) Decent pop punk, heavy on the rock end of things, no surprises here. This is LURKERS: 26 Years: CD Golden Grahams. –Maddy (Thick) Catchy as hell sing-along punk similar in approach to contemporaries like MINDS, THE: Cock Sparrer and the Buzzcocks, with a Plastic Girls: CD dash of Ramones for color, from a band New wave is pretty hit-or-miss. This that’s pretty much stayed true to form falls under the hit category. It’s catchy, for twenty-six years and still counting. rocking, and kinda retarded, although How catchy, you ask? I dare you to give not as so-retarded-they-must-be-genius- “Go Ahead Punk” a listen and not have es as the Spits. They’re a good band it stick in your noggin for at least two without having to hide behind a Yamaha weeks, popping up at the most inoppor- Portasound or duct-taped striped shirts. tune moments. Considering how many Thumbs up. –Not Josh (Dirtnap) of the older bands seem incapable of mustering the same level of enthusiasm MODERN DAY for what they’re doing as when they URBAN BARBARIANS: were in their “prime,” it’s refreshing to The Endless Retreat: CD hear a band this long in the tooth remain Another bassist/drummer duo. This fully aware of what they’re on about. one, strangely enough, sounds like a –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) less musically proficient Stingers. –Jimmy Alvarado MASTERS OF THE (www.sinkhole.net/pehome) OBVIOUS: Spiral Slouch: 7” This must be the product of genetic MUMMIES, THE: engineering. How else could these guys Death by Unga Bunga!!: CD splice equal parts Are We Not Men?-era Budget Rock impresarios, The Mummies, cull the most astonishing Tina and Miss Danielle of the buckle under with Nemesis releasing years that I have read about their histo- collective of lo-fi slop ever assembled Trashwomen, another pivotal band in CD copies of our only release), and it ry, their comings and goings and never on disc since, well, the last Mummies the SF garage rock scene. Actually, seems that time has led the Mummies listened to a single song by them. This retrospective on Estrus. That platter Russell is in a whole bunch of bands to rethink that position. While I can is one of those bands. There a lot of was a two record anthology of almost like The Countbackwards and The understand the need to reissue this people out there who are better quali- everything the seminal San Francisco Maybellines – he’s probably going to stuff, much of which was outta print fied and informed about this band. All supergroup ever released, entitled audition for your project as we speak. and music this good needs to remain I can tell you is that they were a rele- Runnin’ on Empty Volumes One and If you’re just listening to Jet, The readily available, I don’t quite under- vant punk band out of the LA scene Two. So why buy this record? Well, Hives, or whatever flavor of the month stand the decision to finally make it during the late ‘90s. I still see kids shithead, the twenty-two tracks of “garage” band is hip this minute – available to the teeming masses of jerk today with their patches on. That’s say- Unga Bunga includes a secret track please do yourself a favor and buy this offs who’ve never heard of a “record ing something. History that I read off never before released until now. That record. Find out where people like Jack player,” much less own one. Can’t be of this disc and elsewhere is that this is should be enough to get your sweaty White got the balls to get where he is for the “improved sound quality” one the demo recording of their last album buns off the Playstation and straight now – in the arms of Renee Zellwegger supposedly gains with CDs, ‘cause the of the same name. The previous album into the local punk rock record shoppe with original copies of Mummies sound quality here still sucks shit, just was put out by a label that gave them of your choice. The Mummies left an records. –Miss Namella J. Kim (Estrus) as it should. Maybe they just saw how no promotion or support. The band was indelible impression on the minds of much OBS made by going the “sellout” ready to embark on tour to support said youth back in their heyday of the early- MUMMIES: route and wanted in on the action. Who record and guitarist Phil Schomel died to mid- 1990s. These four bandaged Death By Unga Bunga: CD knows? Who fuckin’ cares? This shit is from an asthma attack. Singer and wife sonic marauders had equal parts Boris Another name here that brings back out again and if you’ve got half a brain, Kirsten Patches was devastated and Karloff and The Shaggs to thank for memories. Back in the days when I was you already have a copy. One last band broke up. If I’m correct, Kirsten their shameless appearance and writing bad things about Flipside for thing, seeing as Trent was kind enough moved to the east coast and got a beyond-terrible-yet-genius sound. Pure Filth magazine and playing in a to publicly mention a decade ago that I degree, started teaching and eventually Their short-lived yet prolific career dress with OBS, these boys were one was, indeed, a hippie who lived in a moved back to LA. She regained her spanned all the territories of indie rock of only three bands outside of the East tent in back of the Shamrock on strength and passion for music and labels of the time, including Estrus, LA scene we called home that made it Hollywood Boulevard, I just want to started a new band called Meet the Sympathy For The Record Industry, to our record players with any frequen- take this opportunity to wish him well Virus. Coincidentally, the guitarist for Rekkids, Planet Pimp, Telstar, SubPop, cy. A loose alliance was forged and tell him that I hope the money gen- Meet the Virus had done the demo Hangman and Pin-Up – not to mention between us and these denizens of the erated from this release will allow him recording of this CD. I’m assuming the countless bootlegs that have served Gay Bay, resulting in much coverage to get that sex change operation that he since the original album was hard to no purpose other than to spread the leg- for them in Pure Filth, a Fingers 45 for has longed for lo these many years and obtain and Meet the Virus is currently end and make enterprising shysters us (OBS also recorded two tracks for that, maybe, he’ll finally be able to touring as Naked Aggression, they are rich. Larry, Trent, Russell, and Maz that 45, which was originally supposed indulge in his habit of polishing hippie paying tribute to Phil Schomel and giv- donned their smelly bandages and to be a split before Trent rightly decid- pole as the woman he always dreamed ing a new generation a chance to hear entertained the anti-kool garage rock ed that the OBS tracks blew sheep) and of one day being. –Jimmy Alvarado their music. Since I am a newbee to scenesters of the time (yes, I feel old as gigs aplenty throughout California for (Estrus) their music, I am pretty impressed by I write this, you whippersnappers). You all involved. There was a strict “no CD what I’m hearing. Kirsten is a strong can still find Russell and Maz in the releases” policy in force for all of us NAKED AGGRESSION: The vocalist who seems to be able channel Phantom Surfers. Russell is also in the back then (before OBS [after I was Gut Wrenching Machine: CD her energy into the songs. The songs fabulous Bobbyteens featuring Miss kicked out, I must add] was the first to There are a few bands through the themselves are aggressive and raw but have an underlying melody that keeps this off on the myriad things I don’t PARIAH CASTE: PIPEDOWN: things interesting. I’m curious to hear like about it, chiefly the flat sound mix Sissyphean Slope + 2: CD-EP Mental Weaponry: CD the other version to see how the extra resulting in drowned out guitars and Fitting band name ‘cause, playing the I still have a copy of their Enemies of production affects the music. I guess drums that sound like cardboard emo crap that they do, they belong in Progress CD that I reviewed awhile I’m playing catch up once again with boxes, not to mention the dashes of a pariah caste. –Jimmy Alvarado ago. Let’s see what I notice here after another band. –Donofthedead emo and pop punk embedded in the (Not Bad) slapping this puppy into the player. (Rodent Popsicle) tunes themselves, but it’s damn hard First off, a maturity is showing in their not to appreciate the obvious effort the PARK: It Won’t Snow song writing. The songs are so much NAUSEA: Who Would band has put into the music they crank Where You Are Going: CD stronger than their previous release. Surrender: CD-EP out. Not merely some Color-Forms I’m losing my mind with all these emo Kind of like modern day AFI meets Doom-laden grind/crust noise with equivalent of the punk success formu- bands. I’m know I’m old if this is what the Refused in how they are approach- political lyrics, sorta like Brujeria cov- la here, some thought went into the the kids like. –Donofthedead ing their musicianship. A lot of riffing, ering Discharge. Strong, shit-kicking structure of the songs, and the lyrics (Lobster) changes and vocal interplay while still tuneage here, although the cookie are articulate and not excessively maintaining a melody is what’s going monster vocals started wearing thin whiny. This says nothing of the fact PEACH FUZZ: on here. It’s hard to believe they towards the end. –Jimmy Alvarado that, as far as execution is concerned, About A Bird: CD recorded in the same studio as their ([email protected]) these guys are ON IT, switching tem- Pop that takes its cues from the mid- previous release because the produc- pos and stopping on a dime with ease. ’60s. Lotsa stylistic explorations and tion is so much stronger here. I think NEINS, THE: self-titled: CD So this breaks down to a matter of per- hella strong songwriting keep things this one is going into the CD changer Very early-’80s sounding punk rock in sonal taste; this ain’t my cup of tea, interesting. –Jimmy Alvarado in the car now. I like what I’m hearing. a “100 Flowers plays ‘60s trash” sorta but I can definitely appreciate the (Dionysus) –Donofthedead (A-F) way. Quite possibly the worst version work they’ve put in and can see them of “One Ugly Child” I’ve heard to rightfully garnering oodles of fans. PHANTOM LIMBS: POPULAR SHAPES, date is included here. –Jimmy Alvarado (Destroy All) Displacement: CD THE/INTELLIGENCE, THE: –Jimmy Alvarado (No address) I may have said it before, but if Hell split 7” NO-GOODS, THE: has an amusement park, these guys The Popular Shapes sound kind of like NEUROTIC SWINGERS: I Wanna Change: 7” hafta be responsible for the merry-go- the Minutemen, and when I say that Art Rats: CD Jangly, Rickenbacker-heavy ‘60s rock round music. Claustrophobic, gloomy, they sound like the Minutemen, I Derivative punk rock from the school with a singer whose voice is a bit more intense, and oddly catchy these boys mean that they sound like the parts of of ‘77 influence, with embarrassingly gruff than is good for the songs. are, infusing their tunes with just the songs that were really disjointed. bad English lyrics. Bet this would’ve –Jimmy Alvarado enough art to throw things outta The main difference between the been heaps better if they’d only stuck (High School Refuse) whack but not so much that it dilutes Minutemen and the Popular Shapes is to their native language. Looks like the rock. Reminds me of all the things that no matter how noisy and abrasive they went to great lengths to emulate OCTOBER ALLIED: I love about punk and have kept me the Minutemen got, all you had to do the Voidoids on the cover pics, too. self-titled: CD listening to it for twenty-four years. was wait a few seconds for everything –Jimmy Alvarado (Lollipop) Lo-fi punk rock with heavy surf guitar –Jimmy Alvarado to mesh together and they would rule that better suits the bar or coffee house (Alternative Tentacles) your school. The Intelligence played NO DECENCY: than me enduring it coming out of my in the background while I ate pizza. This is the Reason: CD speakers. –Donofthedead (Phony) –Not Josh (Dirtnap) It’d be very easy for me to simply slag POPULAR SHAPES: movie. Or not exactly like that, but QUEER WÜLF: 7” Bikini Style: CD like I always imagined a remake of Fuck yeah, what a good record. If I love The Fall. I love Wire. And I those old Frankie Avalon/Annette you’re looking for a new favorite love The Popular Shapes. When I Funicello movies would be like if band that doesn’t fit into any pre- see The Popular Shapes live, I they had real surfers and real existing punk rock niche, and you scream with delight and they have greasers and punk rockers in them. often find yourself soaking your motivated me to leave the house I’ve spent a lot of time stoned, undies to the sound of bands like more times than I would want to watching those old movies. Well, the Grabass Charlestons and the count. I secretly question the taste okay, I spent two hours stoned one Dead Things, look no further. You of my friends who don’t like them. time, watching one of those old can almost smell the stale beer and Bikini Style captures the live movies, but it was a vivid two sweat while this record is playing. excitement and adds to it, creating hours and I came up with the per- –Not Josh (This Here) a record that might even make fect remake movie in my head, and some non-fans into converts. I now I know that The Primate 5 RADIO ONE: demo: CD know that people will say it’s No would be the perfect band to play This is a nine-song demo of power Wave or Art Rock, and The it. If that makes any sense to any- punk. Reminds me a lot of the US Popular Shapes might take from one. –Sean (Go Metric!) Bombs recent material. Good punk those genres, but the results are songs with lots of hooks and like tossing it into a concrete mixer PULSES, THE: melodies. It’s well done and and getting pure magic. Highly Little Brothers: CD there’s even a reggae tune at the recommended. –Wanda Sprag Weird. Not artsy enough to dismiss end for you. Yes, they have been (On/On Switch) as pretentious crap, too complicat- influenced by the Clash and US ed to fully rock, and too caught up Bombs, but who cares? That’s not PRACTICE: in writing songs to remember stuff bad and this band makes good Fight Back: 7” like hooks and such. I don’t get it, music, which is what counts at the My feelings on Japanese punk but then again, I’d rather listen to end of the day. If I’m not mistaken, rock summed up in two words? the Motards than the Beatles, so these guys are from Southern Woo hoo. Snuffy Smile Records, there’s your grain of salt. California, too. All in all, a good in particular, is practically flaw- –Not Josh (Dirtnap) demo. Check their website to see less, and this is no exception. how you can get your copy and Practice is along the lines as the PURPLE HEARTS: check ‘em out if they play your Tim Version, with the tunefully Beat That!: CD town. –Mike Beer (Radio One) chaotic melodies and the tighter- A reissue of the first album by one than-fish-pussy instrumental inter- of the UK’s premier ‘70s mod out- REAGAN NATIONAL lock. The vocals sound a lot like fits, long out of print and now CRASH DIET: their Japanese forebears making it to CD some twenty- Sucktastic: CD Screaming Fat Rat, and it may in three years after its initial release. Of the eight tracks here, only fact be the same guy. If you can Unlike the bands that comprised “White Man (Remix)” didn’t find this record, or any Snuffy the US “paisley underground,” the sound like a variation on the bad Smile release, buy it on sight. Purple Hearts, like the Jam, have a college punk that comprise the –Not Josh (Snuffy Smile) more ‘60s-channeled-through- other tracks. “Sucktastic,” indeed. punk sound, meaning that, while –Jimmy Alvarado (Rooster Crow) PRIMATE 5, THE: the songwriting shows a strong 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-Ape!: CD ‘60s influence, the actual sound of REVOLVERS, THE: I really like Go Metric! zine and the band is considerably more End Of Apathy: CD I’ve found that my tastes in music modern, eschewing stereotypical The Revolvers straddle a line and Go Metric! editor Mike trappings like Gretsch 12-strings between The Boys and The Faloon’s taste in music is very, and faux sitar solos for a more Supersuckers with surprisingly very similar. On top of that, Mike solid guitar attack. Included are good results. It’s pretty amazing has taken it upon himself to informative liner notes on the how well bands from Europe can allegedly put out the missing band’s rise and inevitable fall, plus take American rock and turn it on Weird Lovemakers album (I say assorted singles and B-sides. its ear. Melodic punk, with a huge allegedly because everything that –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) rock sound, but they do start to has anything to do with the Weird lose some steam three-quarters of Lovemakers is alleged at this PURRS, THE: the way in. –Wanda Sprag point), and that’s my all-time self-titled: CD (I Used To Fuck People Like You favorite missing album. So it In some ways, this is exactly the In Prison) would just make sense that I’d go type of album you would expect ape (get it?) over The Primate 5. from a label called “Garage Pop,” RICKSHAW: They play a mix of surf and garage and songs with titles like “Got Sonic Overload: CD music – garage like ‘60s throw- Kissed” and “Birthday Party” Big sound Scandinavian rock back rock’n’roll, not garage like sound pretty much like you’d bands are dime-a-dozen nowa- The Hives, which is really just expect them to. It’s female-fronted days. Time to find another genre to ‘90s style rock’n’roll – that some- (the band is seventy-five percent run into the fucking ground, kids. times has vocals (which are a good female), and it owes a lot to Nikki –Jimmy Alvarado (Devil Doll) touch) and sometimes has lyrics and the Corvettes, the Go-Gos (or (which are generally funny, espe- at least Jane Wiedlin), and Holly RIPCORDZ: What if cially in “Greenwood House of Golightly. There’s even a song that They Held a Revolution Mystery” and “Drinkin’ Bird”), asks the age-old question, “Why and Nobody Came?: CD but the music in and of itself is can’t I have two boyfriends?” I These guys are punk as fuck and enough to keep this album interest- can’t answer that one, but I can say play fifteen tracks of good punk ing. This CD also comes with a that The Purrs do have enough pop rock. The songs go from fast to pretty big insert about the band, to keep me singing along, and slow to mid-paced, and you’ve got but I lost the insert before I could enough of an edge to keep me your singalongs in here, too. It’s read it, so, as a reviewer, I’m left interested. They haven’t quite all good stuff. They hail from with only the music to comment mastered this type of rock’n’roll Montreal, Quebec and have been on. The songs are organ backed the way the Gore Gore Girls have, around for over ten years. The and bounce like something out of a but this is still a solid album. lyrics cover a wide variety of top- Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello –Sean (Garage Pop) ics. This is a solid release and I must also say the packaging is good. songs are infectious and also on the From all the pictures in this CD, the border of being cliche. Songs sung in crowd at their shows looks like they are English with the strong accent off having one hell of a time. Get this CD Japanese. Interesting. –Donofthedead and you will too. –Mike Beer (Mayday (Target Earth) Records) ROCKET FROM RIVERDALES: THE TOMBS: Phase Three: CD Rocket Redux: CD-EP I never really bought all the claims that Three tracks (“Sonic Reducer,” Screeching Weasel sounded like the “Amphetamine,” and “Muckraker,” Ramones. Sure, there were some basic respectively) from a forthcoming full- similarities in the guitars and drums, length release of new recordings from but there were also some glaring differ- this legendary band, apparently their ences: Ben’s singing style was snotty first ever proper “studio” effort. I’ll let (he sounded more like Fat Mike than you know more as soon as the full- Joey Ramone), Dan Panic had a way of length comes out. –Jimmy Alvarado filling in empty spaces in the song with (Smog Veil) some genuinely amazing drumming, and Jughead’s guitar was way too ROCKET FROM happy to get confused with Johnny THE TOMBS: Ramone’s. When Screeching Weasel Rocket Redux: CD-EP broke up for the first (or second, or Produced and recorded by Richard third, I never could keep track) time, Lloyd of Television! Need I say more? Ben took his rhythm section with him Hey, even The Stooges got back and formed The Riverdales. They elim- together, so why not RFTT? If there inated Jughead’s guitar and thus started was a Cleveland band responsible for sounding more like the Ramones. It spawning one worthy act after another seemed to be the point. Still, Ben’s (Pere Ubu and The Dead Boys), RTFF singing was snotty and Dan Panic’s should take the credit, but they can’t drumming was amazing. Then, we had hold a candle to glory of The Dead some reunions and breakups of the Boys. No sir. I know I’m getting a lot Riverdales/Screeching Weasel combi- of flack for this because all you record nations, some newcomers adding dif- collector types are immediately going ferent wrinkles, some awesome albums to poo poo what I just said. Well, fuck and some albums we should all forget you. I think The Pagans rule, anyways. about (cough-cough-Emo-cough- – Miss Namella J. Kim (Smog Veil) cough), and now we’re back to a bro- ken-up Screeching Weasel and a RUNNAMUCKS: reformed Riverdales, minus Dan Panic, Of a Different Breed: CD plus Dan Lumley on drums. And now, Here’s the facts: this band who I am they really sound like the Ramones. I only vaguely familiar with fucking mean, they really sound like the rocks (and thrashes) like a slightly bet- Ramones. Like, I could be playing this ter recorded Jerry’s Kids, who happen album and you could walk into the to be one of my all-time favorite hard- room and get a weird look on your face core bands. There’s werewolves on the for a solid five minutes as you try to cover, and I was too lazy to check the figure out which Ramones album this lyrics, but it’s highly possible that there is, yet not ask me which Ramones are some werewolf songs as well. album this is lest you be caught not That’s just icing on the cake, though. knowing all the Ramones albums When bands rip it up as much these instantly upon walking into a room. guys, they don’t even need werewolf Ben’s singing has lost the snottiness, songs to rope me in. –Not Josh he’s deepened his voice, and he now (Six Weeks) sounds a lot like Joey. Dan Lumley doesn’t have the fills that Dan Panic SCOTCHGREENS: had (damn, do I miss that Dan Panic O.C.6.16.02: CD drumming), and the bass for Live country/roots-punk like Flogging Screeching Weasel/Riverdales always Molly tearing a jig with the sounded like the Ramones. So now Supersuckers. Pretty good sound. they’ve finally gotten there. I’ll say it Perhaps you will dance your own again, they really sound like the dance. –Cuss Baxter (Accident Prone) Ramones. But, of course, this begs the question: if you want to listen to some- SCRAPS AND HEART thing that sounds this much like the ATTACKS: Still Sick: CD Ramones, why not just play a Ramones Pissed-off hardcore with that big album? I’m not sure that I have the Marshall sound. Surprisingly stronger answer to that one. But I do keep play- than expected. –Jimmy Alvarado ing this Riverdales album, even if I’m (Triple Crown) not sure why. –Sean (145 Records) SELECTER: Real to Reel: CD ROCKBOTTOM: A mixed bag here. When they stick to Throw Away: CD the ska-oriented originals, one can still If you wanted to hear four ordinary hear the creative spark that made them looking Japanese guys play a mixture such hot shit back during the height of of Cheap Trick and Kiss meets AC/DC, the original two-tone thang. Their cov- this is your potion for headbanging fun. ers of reggae standards like “Stepping If you are a drummer, this is even a big- Razor” and “Armagideon Time,” how- ger boner. The guy is a banger who is ever, pale in comparison to the origi- tech and wild at the same time. The nals and come off here as nothing more than space fillers and time killers. the rock I’d hoped for. In fact, this insanity! This CD puts together nine- band. You get seventeen tracks of high- Maybe I was expecting more than I album is about seven baby, baby, teen early recordings – great stuff! But energy, skull-crushing rock’n’roll should have, but when we’re talking babies from being perfect. But seven if you haven’t heard ‘em yet, buy this spanning their entire career, recorded about a band with as strong a rep as the baby, baby, babies is a lot, especially AND their album Domestic- on Fourth of July 2003 at CBGB. For Selecter has, it’s kind of hard not to. when they’re right in the goddamn ViolenceLand. If you don’t like it, you the uninitiated, imagine Negative –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) middle of everything, goddamn it. I must not like punk! And if you do like Approach had they been more influ- think I’m just gonna burn the first four ‘em, it’s time to put a gun to your head, enced by Ted Nugent, who had in turn SGT 6 ASSAULT: songs and the last four songs onto a CD ‘cause they just broke up! This is Corn been more influenced by Slayer. This is self-titled: 7” of my own and start telling people that Pops! –Maddy (Disaster) some seriously brutal, seriously good “True drug-addled, hate-inspired, pre- I have the elusive Shark Pants demo shit that’ll be worth the price of all the cision punk rock in the form of one and that it’s way better than Porno SMOGTOWN: aspirin you’re gonna be ingesting by minute tunes.” That’s what their label Snakehead. –Sean (Recess) Tales of Gross Pollution: CD the time the last song ends. says about this record and even though You know what? Fuck Smogtown. Do –Jimmy Alvarado (Radical) the tunes were a little over one minute, SHARP KNIFE/ they not know how fucking hard it is to that’s a good description for this. It’s a QUEER WÜLF: split LP simply FIND a favorite band these SPIDERS, THE: two-song punk rock single with all the Both of these bands are fucking great. days, let alone flat-out adore every Glitzkrieg: CD trimmings. If you like fast and furious They both have bits and pieces of release said favorite band manages to “Shitzkrieg,” more likely. Rotten thru punk, here you go. Don’t mind that the Fleshies and the Thumbs coupled with release? This has been the case for and thru with the marginally camou- band has long since split. The music a fine tradition of bands that might not notoriously picky-ass me, who has not flaged ick of Rock Orthodoxy. Is there will still remain the same: fast and be revolutionizing rock and roll or any- gone more than a few days without lis- even one good band in Austin? BEST rockin’. Well done and put out by thing, but will sure as hell rock your tening to something by them since hav- SONG: i actually like “The Invasion” Rapid Pulse, who are known for main- living room like their lives depend on ing Beach City Butchers blasted into quite a bit; then again, i like that Lenny ly doing 7”s of their favorite bands. it. Both of them play catchy, scruffy, my ears while taking a trip in the Kravitz song they play over the PA at –Mike Beer (Rapid Pulse) sweat-drenched punk rock, which is Retoddmobile not long after its release. basketball games as well. BEST SONG just the way this reviewer likes it. This I even became a “Smog City Waver,” TITLE: “Alive with Pleasure” FAN- SGT. 6 ASSAULT: is the perfect excuse for buying a the first time I’ve EVER come close to TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: self-titled: 7” record player. –Not Josh (This Here) belonging to anything even remotely On the insert photograph, drummer Two short blasts, of lean, mean punk resembling a fan club (thanks Todd, by Gary First is actually second from the rock, the first being an original clock- SHUDDER TO THINK: the way). Smogtown was the ultimate left. –Rev. Nørb (Acetate) ing in at 1:12 and the second a cover of Curses, Spells, statement of “real” Southern California Slaughter and the Dogs’ “The Bitch” Voodoo, Mooses: CD at the turn of the millenium, a final SPITS, THE: that ain’t much longer. Good stuff. A reissue of this long-running DC “fuck you” to the limp joke that the self-titled: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Rapid Pulse) band’s first album, long out of print ‘90s turned out to be and a rousing Apparently these guys are going the and making its debut on CD. Originally “where’s the fucking party, asshole?” Peter Gabriel route by putting out a SHARK PANTS: released in 1988 on Sammich, this is welcome to the zero years we currently bunch of self-titled albums on different Porno Snakehead: CD very much a product of the time and find ourselves in, a reaffirmation to labels. As for the music, imagine the I saw Shark Pants play in Torrance last place from which it came, in that it is those of us who’ve been around longer Ramones with an abundance of tongue- year. They were sandwiched between intelligent pop with punk influences than Green Day has existed that the in-cheek idiocy and a thrift store key- two of my favorite bands: the coming from the same primordial soup good shit was still alive and kicking board. This album, their third, isn’t as Knockout Pills and Toys That Kill. that spawned emo (a term I use in ref- and still not making radio waves. With immediately catchy as the last one (the Much to my surprise, Shark Pants stole erence to the post-DC hardcore sound two albums, a 10-inch and a slew of one with the retard in the wheelchair on the show. No disrespect to the and not the insipid drivel that goes by singles and comp tracks, these guys are the cover), but when it comes to the Knockout Pills and Toys That Kill; that name these days), creative and responsible for ramming some truly Spits, who really has time to split they were both awesome, but I expect- inspired in both delivery and structure. crucial “we just don’t give a fuck” hairs? –Not Josh (Dirtnap) ed them to be awesome. I didn’t expect Also includes the band’s first 7” and an punk rock noise up the ass of an anything out of Shark Pants and they unreleased track. –Jimmy Alvarado American punk underground that had SPRËADEAGLE: blew me away. It was a solid wall of (Dischord) apparently forgotten that it was sup- self-titled: CD sound that carried with it all of what I posed to be a threat to the cultural Nominally punky headbanger drug love about punk rock from Tucson: the SLANDERIN, THE: mainstream and not a breeding ground dealer rock that should appeal to those noisy insanity of The Blacks, the trashy A Rhumba of Rattlesnakes, to tomorrow’s boy band heroes. And who always felt the Candy Snatchers humor of the Weird Lovemakers, a Murder of Crows: CD now they’ve fucked off and broken up. were cheating because they did have sneaky melodies like the Knockout This is one very fucking cool CD. The Yeah, they were kind enough to toss us the one good song, and i’d feel a lot Pills. Beyond all of this, Shark Pants Slanderin don’t do anything unique by this helping of early demos on their worse about raining on the whole seemed to simultaneously explode and any means. Their lyrics are horror way out the fuckin’ door, and it is some parade of ENERGY and VOLUME if keep shit tight as hell. That night in themed like The Misfits, their music is righteous shit, but it just ain’t the same the last noise this disc emitted was Torrance still ranks among my all-time mostly rockabilly like Reverend knowing that, aside from a rumored something other than the heavy metal favorite shows. I think of it so fondly Horton Heat (even got the stand up final album due from TKO, this is all kissin’ cousin of the “Hotel California” that any Shark Pants album would have bass) and the vocals seem a lot like there’s gonna be. They’re history now, lead that it is. Would be an all right pur- a tough act to follow. For me to fully Lemmy is singing a lot of them (my the fucking bastards, and we are all the chase value if it came with a free pizza endorse Porno Snakehead, Shark Pants friend Darby gave me an even better worse off for it. In emulation of and a blowjob, but this does not appear would have to take all the energy and description: TSOL meets Dick Dale Money’s sign-off on their obit a couple the case (at least with my review copy). rock from their live show and capture it meets The Misfits). Their songs vary a of issues back, I remain… – Jimmy BEST SONG: “Flyin’ High” WORST into plastic. That’s a pretty tough thing bit from surf guitar to straight up rock- “Smog City Waver #41” Alvarado SONG TITLE: 13-way tie between to ask of any band. Still, at first, it abilly to even a waltz (which is one of (Disaster) “Ready to Bleed” “Bad Motherfucker” seemed as if Shark Pants were equal to the best songs on the CD). If you are a “Now Could Be Never” “8 Ball” the task. The first four songs explode fan of this type of music, you will no SOILED DOVES: “Roadwarrior” “Fury” “Flyin’ High” out of the speakers like free beer and 2 doubt enjoy The Slanderin. I have worn Soiled Life: CD “Blackout” “Just That Easy” “Blood, AM promises. I thought we had a clas- out this CD already and am looking The collages in the booklet were neato. Coke & Sodomy” “Don’t Leave sic in the making. Then, “Later forward to their next one. –Toby I pinned it to the wall next to the disc, Anything” “Full Time Loser” and Alligator” takes its turn as the fifth (Split 7) which got embedded there when I “Dead of Night.” FANTASTIC song on the album, and, through some chucked it across the room in disgust. AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The Rock inexplicable force of nature, someone SMOGTOWN: –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) and Roll Over album flat depicted on in Shark Pants starts screaming like Tales of Gross Pollution: CD the cover behind the girl with the big Robert Plant “Baby, baby, baby (keep Yes! I love Smogtown! A Southern SPEEDEALER: boobs and plentiful tattoos is hung in repeating).” And it bummed me out so California retro explosion! The sort of Burned Alive: CD such a fashion that Peter Criss’ head is much that I almost couldn’t listen to thing that would not be out of place on Gotta admit that I’ve pretty much at the top. I’m not sure what that the next song. In fact, I get so mad the Beach Blvd. compilation (for the loathed everything I’ve ever heard means. Possibly “Paul Is Dead.” every time I hear those baby, baby, record, the greatest comp of all time!). from this label, but I also gotta admit –Rev. Nørb (Nerve) babies that I can’t seem to enjoy the And that’s saying a lot! Totally crazed that this is one motherfucker of a live last four songs, though they do have all beach punk ‘80s new wave hardcore album from one motherfucker of a 87 STAGGERS, THE: thy enough that i found it necessary to is the original singer of the Dropkick which isn’t the Stray Cats song FAN- One Heartbeat jot down band name and song title and Murphys, Mike McColgan. This is his TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Away From Hell: CD do a Google search in order to track it first band he’s led since the day he left My old band played with this band in Seeing as some of the especially thick down. Like most of the records i own the Dropkick Murphys five years earli- East Germany. Since, owing to a prior out there have yet to grasp the concept, by Australian bands, the music sounds er. Similar to the Dropkicks, this new gig falling thru, they were added at the let me repeat it one more time: There markedly more solid and together than band adds some Bouncing Souls last minute, they were essentially play- was only one Misfits, and they broke one would expect it would be were it melody and some AC/DC crunch in the ing for beer, merch sales, and a couple up in 1983, the minute Glenn “The rendered by American counterparts of guitars producing a straight ahead bowls of potato soup. Needless to say, Ego” Danzig decided to throw in the the same ilk; also, like most of the experience. Songs are very anthemic since it took 45 years of blood, tears, towel. They were a helluva good band songs on the records i own by and the choruses have the bad habit at toil and sweat to get the Communists and no one since has come close, and it Australian bands, the song seems like times of getting stuck in your head. OUT of there, i didn’t jeopardize all of is highly unlikely that anyone ever it’s lacking like one crucial little Song With a lot of touring and exposure, I that PROGRESS by offering to split will. Love ‘em and appreciate the fine Thingie – one errant additional scrap of couldn’t see a problem with this band our dough with them. –Rev. Nørb tunes they managed to leave behind, modest genius – that, were it present, getting popular. There’s some damn (Alive) but for chrissakes, let ‘em die already would likely put the tune over the top good stuff here. –Donofthedead and quit pissing on their legacy. To the (i.e., have me hopping around like (Crosscheck) STRESSFACE: Give ‘Em Staggers’ credit, they’re a little more Kangaroo Jack™ or similar comedic Enough Stressface: cassette conscious of Glenn’s country influence marsupial local color). I mean, there is STREETWALKIN’ This one’s a doozy. Not only is it limit- than the average band of punters, but a long and storied history of bands CHEETAHS, THE: ed to 100 copies with inserts hand- that doesn’t mean they suck any less. from the Antipodes rocking at a High Greeting from Gainesville: CD stuffed by someone who pretended to –Jimmy Alvarado (Haunted Town) Rock Level, but there’s also an almost- A mixture of MC5, the Ramones and be in the band to get into a show for as-long history of said bands very the New York Dolls is the painting that free and may or may not have been me, STAKEOUT, THE: rarely contending for a World I would draw to make you, the reader, but these guys are all about bringing On the Run: CD Heavyweight Title, simply because see what I’m hearing. –Donofthedead the sleeveless shirt look back to punk Pretty rippin’ hardcore out of Finland they lack a metaphorical bell here and (XXX) rock. Right on. What does it sound here. It’s a little different from most of a metaphorical whistle there – like? Well, it features ex-members of the other Finnish hardcore bands I’ve metaphorical bells and whistles that STREETWALKIN’ Bombshell, if that gives you any clue. heard, mostly because it’s not all crusty their Northern Hemispherical contem- CHEETAHS, THE: As an added bonus, these dudes rock and Cookie Monstery. It sounds like a poraries would have implemented out Maximum Overdrive: CD the bullet belts harder than Venom, and better recorded, not-quite-as-annihilat- of necessity merely to survive their ...it’s kinda weird, you spend more or the drummer can apply eyeliner better ing DS-13, and the only song that inability to rock so staunchly as their less your whole life embedded in punk than most girls I know. –Not Josh sucks is the one that’s all slow and Southern Hemispherical cousins. Or rock and you come to realize that the (No Idea) metal, including space echo vocals. something. “Shoot My Mouth Off” is a bands you’ve been in and the bands –Not Josh (Deranged) 6/8 time neo-ballad that doesn’t fare your friends have been in, in the cold SUNSHINE: Necromance: CD quite as well; “The Bitter Thoughts Of hard light of further analysis, pretty A weird hybrid of taut art punk and STARLITS, THE: CD Little Jane” is a cover one might recall much get by primarily on imagination epic new wave, kinda like a pissy Gary Four CD players in the house (five if as being on the Nuggets Vol. 2 box set and charm. I mean, sure, there’s some Numan who’s had more than his daily you count the DVD, which I also tried) and originally recorded by Timon (pre- talent (usually) at work, but, ultimately, allotment of coffee. A nice change of and not a one will play this three-track sumably right before his million-sell- for myself and most of my acquain- pace and definitely off the beaten path, thinger from Florida. Three girls, one ing reunion concert in the park with tances, the brain is willing but the flesh which can only be viewed as a good boy, two guitars, leather jackets. Sleeve Pumbaa). BEST SONG: “Suzie” BEST simply cannot muster the horses to pull thing. –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) photo looks like three high-school kids SONG TITLE: “The Bitter Thoughts off anything legitimately resembling and one of the kids’ really hot mom. of Little Jane” FANTASTIC AMAZ- planet-splitting rock’n’roll. And then, SUPAGROUP: self-titled: CD They should get in touch with whoever ING TRIVIA FACT: The back cover on the other hand, you got the It’s been said that there hasn’t been an burned the CDs for em and spit on his song titles are in a font called Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs, who have original chord progression since 1969, face or something. –Cuss Baxter “Gilligan’s Island,” for obvious rea- more Mad Rock Skillz than most of us so most of what I listen to isn’t exactly (Peephole) sons. –Rev. Nørb (Butterfly) will ever shake a twig at, and they will what you could call new. Being unorig- ALSO never pull off anything legiti- inal is expected, but lifting lyrics from STICKS AND STONES: STREET DOGS: mately resembling planet-splitting rock The Who’s “Substitute” is unforgiv- The Strife and Times: 2X CD Savin Hill: CD ‘n’ roll, simply for wont of that crucial able. –Wanda Sprag (Foodchain) The discography of a Jersey punk band Fifteen tracks of solid street punk little dollop of imagination and charm that came from the same scene as the songs. These songs have a lot of the Rock Gods saw fit not to adminis- TALES FROM THE Bouncing Souls and Lifetime. The changes and variety and were well ter. I mean, all the horsepower in the BIRDBATH: The Eggs: CD liner notes are phenomenal and the done. I don’t know if I want to call it world goin’ for ‘em, and here sits the This band is a side project of Ean from lyrics are really good, but their brand street punk or oi. Either way, it’s good planet, completely unsplit (unsplut?). Sicko and his wife Reba, who plays of post-hardcore melodic rock just stuff, and if you like The Dropkick To illustrate my point, compare the drums for the Cripples (I think). I real- doesn’t move me much. These are Murphys you will like this. No, there Cheetahs’ “Little Tokyo” with ly liked Sicko, but I was a little disap- obviously some intelligent, talented are no traditional Irish songs on here, “Chinatown” by legit rock-rock-rock- pointed with this CD. There’s a couple guys at work here, but it just ain’t my but this CD has spirit, well played rock-rock’n’roll planet splitters the of really nifty songs that sound like cup of tea. –Jimmy Alvarado songs, is well recorded and produced, Devil Dogs: “Little Tokyo” is recorded some long-lost ‘60s guitar pop band, (Chunkasaah) and these guys are definitely down better, played by better musicians, and but overall, it cuts too close to open with the working class. They hail from performed by a much tighter band – mike night at the coffee shop. Sorry. STONEAGE HEARTS, THE: Boston and you can tell it by their yet, compared to “Chinatown,” “Little –Not Josh (Tales From the Birdbath) Suzie b/w Shoot My sound. If you’re into oi or street punk, Tokyo” comes off as merely immature Mouth Off & The Bitter get this CD. It’s a winner. –Mike Beer and crude, and, ultimately, way less THERE WERE WIRES: Thoughts of Little Jane: 7” (Crosscheck) rockin’ as a result. I don’t even think Somnambulists: CD Nuggetsy garage punque from Down anyone’s to blame – that’s just the way I thought a somnambulist was a magi- Under; “Suzie” is a compelling enough STREET DOGS: things shake out. Apart from that and a cian who makes people go to sleep, and a-side – sounding not unlike a cross Savin Hill: CD smattering of real dogs (“Peppermint” I was all, “It don’t get no perfecter than between what i just said it sounded like I get a unsolicited email from a public- and “Fuck No” flat-out blow, and “All that,” on account of how this CD kind and something that might’ve been ren- ity person asking if I want to do a show I Want” is so puss-puss it makes “For of makes me go to sleep but I looked it dered by one of those second-tier review in LA for the Street Dogs. I’m Paul’s Sake” sound like “Jumpin’ Jack up and a somnambulist is a sleepwalk- Limey mod bands circa 79/80 (mean- thinking, who the hell are the Street Flash” by comparison), this disc – the er. Rats. Heavy math on a Neurosis ing the Purple Hearts or the Chords Dogs? I fire back a reply saying I don’t band’s first studio album + outtakes + overdose. Rats. –Cuss Baxter (Iodine) [the “first tier” consisting of primarily do show reviews of bands I have never 45s – rocks just fine. Cleaned my elec- The Jam and not much else]) – that, the heard before. I also ask if he could send tric toothbrush, too! BEST SONG: THOSE UNKNOWN: first time i heard it (on WUSB’s excel- me a promo so I can hear them first “Turn Me Down” BEST SONG Self-Titled: CD lent “Tuesday Night Rock & Roll before I decide. I missed the show but TITLE: All the good song titles are Formulaic “street punk” that stands Dance Party” show), struck me as wor- I did receive the CD. The feature here covers, except “Built for Speed,” stubbornly in the middle of the road like a retard caught in traffic. Actually, TOTIMOSHI: Monolí: CD some of it’s not bad, but overall, snooz- I remember thinking these guys were ingly familiar sounding. the bee’s knees a while back, but this –Aphid Peewit (TKO) release just ain’t movin’ me like it should. There’s just a little too much TIM VERSION, THE: arena rock in the mix for my tastes. Prohibition Starts Maybe they’ve progressed, or maybe I Tomorrow: CD have, but either way, we just ain’t con- This band broke the long-standing, pre- necting like we used to. viously foolproof “You Can’t Rock in –Jimmy Alvarado (Dark Reign) Flip-Flops” rule. You may be saying nay to such blasphemy, but believe me, TRAPDOOR FUCKING even when they’re wearing flip-flops, EXIT: Devil’s Egg: CD-EP they rock like motherfuckers. The Tim No Idea Records has come a long way Version is the perfect antidote to hip- since Big Pants Waste Precious Fabric ster crap like Le Tigre. They might not and the Mutley Chix. This band is pret- ever be popular, hell, they might not ty noisy and dynamic and stuff, and even play to more than fifty people, but while it’s not exactly my cup of tea, it’s I get the feeling that they wouldn’t good. The only comparison I can think have it any other way. And not only are of would be Refused, but that’s not they Dudes Gone Wild during the live very good since Refused sucks pretty rock, but the lead singer knows a whole hard and these guys don’t. There’s also lot about lasers, and that’s pretty awe- kind of a Drive Like Jehu feel to this, some. –Not Josh (A.D.D.) which would explain why it caught my ear. So if Drive Like Jehu meets a non- TIM VERSION, THE: shit Refused sounds like your idea of a Prohibition Starts swingin’ party, go for it. You couldn’t Tomorrow: CD get it from nicer folks. –Not Josh Uh oh! I have to confess, I am a preju- (No Idea) diced individual! I had heard the name Tim Version bandied about, and imme- TRASH CAN SCHOOL: diately thought, “That is one of the Big Bang Radiation Blues: CD worst band names I’ve ever heard. This For those unacquainted with Trash Can band must be awful.” For those of you School, they were an ‘80s/’90s band lacking the Wisconsin-bred encyclope- with members hailing from the four dic knowledge of all things punk, I will corners of Los Angeles County. While fill you in on a punk rock fact: The Tim most decidedly punk in intent, they Version is, no doubt, a reference to the weren’t afraid to pummel listeners with “Tim Version” of the best a three-guitar attack and some wailin’ Replacements song ever “Can’t Hardly sax. Collected here are two live perfor- Wait,” from the outtakes of the Tim mances circa 1991/’92 from Gilman as I think they would be with a maniac opinion. So move on or live with it. album. One of my favorite songs, but Street and the Whisky. You get straight- like that at the wheel. U.S. Bombs is Anyhoo, I always liked their songs that I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, off-the-board sound quality of popular like the cafeteria meatloaf of punk are sung in Spanish even though I don’t a good thing does not a good band tunes like “Silver Surfer,” “Satan’s rock; sometimes tasty, sometimes full understand the language. For some rea- name make! Take, uh, the Cheetos, for Favorite Groupie” and “Everything of stuff you don’t ever want to know son, it better expresses their aggression example. Got it? No! That’s okay Must Go,” as well as solid thrashings about, nothing I’d ever want to make a and I see how it connects with the because this band, who I am going to of Patti Smith’s “Horses” and Blue strict diet of. –Aphid Peewit (Disaster) Latinos in their audience. From the refer to from this point onward as the Oyster Cult’s “Godzilla.” Long has it outside it looks like they are connected Tim Versions, which is at least a little been since I heard anything from this UNDER A DYING SUN: as one. That’s the part of the show I better by way of being more stupid, legendary group of malcontents and Supernova: CD most enjoy. The energy level is high. rocks! It’s the kind of melodic hardcore this is a welcome respite from the glut Konane Cramer croons his delicate lit- So, production pet peeves aside, they you’ve come to know and love in the of color-by-numbers punk that is flood- tle heart out while the rest of the outfit always put out something I like and tradition of Dillinger Four or Avail. ing the market. –Jimmy Alvarado goes through: punchy, pretty, quirky, this is no different. But next time, I (Plus they have D4esque (New word (Jinx) jangly, fugazy, groovy, and chunky. hope this review might cross their alert! New word alert!) song titles, like Maybe some other ones, too, but I quit paths without them getting all bent out “No More Star Tattoos” and “National TWIN HATERS: keeping score after “A Different Kind of shape, and I also hope they put out a ‘Quit Your Job’ Day.”) Sure, they’re self-titled: CD of Pretty.” –Cuss Baxter (Substandard) truly ball-busting record. not as good as D4, and at times they are Can you say... the second coming of –Donofthedead (Disaster) a tad generic, but when you’re a little Helmet! –Donofthedead UNION 13: drunk, that doesn’t really matter. (Failed Experiment) Symptoms of Humanity: CD URINALS, THE: What Is Besides, to be as good as D4 these guys Hey! They’re on Disaster now? What Real and What Is Not: CD would have to be Lucky Charms, and U.S. BOMBS: Put Strength happened to Epitaph? I hope they did- Okay, maybe i AM a hapless churl right now they’re simply holdin’ steady in the Final Blow: CD n’t get dropped because they were whose mental, emotional and social as Fruit Loops. –Maddy (A.D.D.) More mid-tempo, vaguely Sex Pistols- focusing on the bigger bands. Oh, growth permanently stalled at age 16, without-the-wall-of-guitar-sound punk well... This is a good record that could and maybe i DO live in the past, and TOASTERS, THE: In from the U.S. Bombs. To this day, I have been better. The songs are pretty maybe i DIDN’T “get it” the right way Retrospect: CD sorta expect USB to be more manic and kick ass since they seem to have added back in The Day since the only Urinals Here’s a little known fact to me. Can am always temporarily thrown off by a more metal element to their sound songs i was familiar with for quite you believe this band has been around their slightly laid-back approach. It’s from what I remember from the past. some time were “Sex,” “Go Away since 1981? I sure as hell can’t. These just that the mystique of Duane Peters What is lacking is the electric guitar Girl,” “She’s a Drone,” and ska kings have been busting out the looms so large and dementedly over sounds tinny and thin. The bass is “Salmonella,” but i am kind of going to two-tone for 2 decades! So it is fitting the band. He’s like the skatepunk’s ver- pulled up to front too much and kind of have to state here for the record that i that they go into retrospective mode sion of GG Allin, a man who – as leg- sounds like rubber bands. The vocals, do not recognize this as a bona fide and put out a greatest hits without call- end has it – has never hesitated to serve acoustic guitar and drums are the only Urinals release, but, instead, consider ing it that. With the ups and downs of up his keloid-scarred body to further thing I wouldn’t touch. Well, maybe this a continuation of the 100 Flowers ska, it’s good to hear that someone has injury and manglement. So, because of the drums... I would have preferred the project the Urinals magically turned survived the trends. For that alone, you Mr. Peters’ infamous exploits in the kick drum to be a little boomier and themselves into way back when. I should go out and get this. For a bonus, many styles of self-abuse, I continually louder. Now you are probably thinking, mean, i’m from Wisconsin, explain this you get some good skanking to listen find U.S. Bombs to be not as reckless what a fucking snob! If you read this s-l-o-w-l-y to me: In 1982, you guys to. –Donofthedead (Stomp) far, I guess you care enough about my were too un-punk and artsy and tex- tured and brilliant and so on to be still consistently strong and chal- tion with lyrics/info and full-size constrained to the “self-imposed lenging. Songs like “Theme from posters of each band. Sooo recom- aesthetic definition” of the Urinals, ‘Sex Taxi,’” “Baby Demons” and mended it ain’t funny. –Jimmy so you had to be 100 Flowers “Typical Tzar” stand up rather well Alvarado (Lengua Armada) instead – but now, hmm, hey, to their classic material, while shucky-darn, THAT OL’ URINAL “Jumbo” and “In Praise of Fucked VARIOUS ARTISTS: AIN’T LOOKIN’ SO BAD NOW, Up Girl” betray a Southwestern Midwest Rules – You’re IS IT??? Dude, sorry to point this roots rock influence not previously Weak We’re Strong: CD out in front of God and everyone, apparent. While some bands This is the second Midwest Rules but IT’S A TOTAL FRIGGIN’ should refrain from having another disc that I’ve had the good fortune SCAM, MAN! You guys were go at it, the Urinals prove to be an to come across and this will be the either A. Fibbin’ poseur scoundrels exception to that rule. –Jimmy second time I gush about this qual- when you changed your name to Alvarado (Warning Label) ity collection of tunes played by “100 Flowers” owing to your self- pallid, corn-fed punks from the professed outgrowing of Urinalism USS HORSEWHIP: heartland. It starts out strong with 20 years ago, or B. Fibbin’ poseur Vs. The Kids: CD a song from the Daggers, which is scoundrels when you released a Loud rock/punk with a singer who very Germs-y with all the drunken reunion (or whatever this is) album sounds plenty pissed off, which aplomb of a shitfaced Darby as The Urinals when the music is makes sense seeing as they call Crash, and then goes into a ripping not so Urinals-specific that it is Bellingham home. I’ve been there tune by the Phenoms which is very unquestionably better represented and I feel your pain, kids. –Jimmy Candy Snatchers-esque. The as being Urinals music than 100 Alvarado (The Brass Rocket remainder of the disc is rounded Flowers music. It doesn’t matter Recording Conglomerate) out with catchy, crunchy slabs of which one you choose, either A or Midwest anger by heavyweights B is certainly true, and if EITHER VAGIANTS, THE: like Bump n Uglies, Gotards, A OR B is true – and either A or B Short and Hard: CD Mashers (sounding like New is – then you guys have put Female-led rock band that makes Bomb Turks back before they paid/laid waste to the HIGHFA- you feel like you are sitting in a decided that saxophones sound LUTIN’ ARTEESTIC INTEGRI- biker bar that is a smoke filled nice in punk songs) and Nine TY upon which your collective room, drinking too much whiskey Pound Hammer (and when did pedestal is grounded (anybody and throwing up on the sawdust they get back together? I gotta start waiting for a “well, you can take covered floors. –Donofthedead paying closer attention to this shit). the Urinal out of the boy, but you (Sin Klub) There are a couple soft spots that I can’t take the boy out of the uri- could poke at over and over, but nal” crack should be advised that VARIOUS ARTISTS: fuck it. This is a strong collection i’ve been making that joke for over Bay Area Invasion: CD of no-bullshit punk rock. My only 20 years now). Of course, had the Isn’t the purpose of a regional complaints would be as follows: band merely regurgitated fifteen scene compilation supposed to how about getting some females in different permutations of “Sex” make you want to go check out the mix here, boys? Aside from and “Go Away Girl,” i’d more than that scene? Excepting a couple of Jenn Cuervo of the Almighty likely be happier than a pig in shit Bar Feeders songs, this makes me Hangovers, this disc is pretty much (add in a bonus track of that 45’s b- never want to go to San Francisco a boy’s only club. Despite all the side – a slowly descending allot- unless I’m deaf. –Not Josh frigid bovine women you coastal ment of calibration tones seeming- (Depth Charge) people might see on TV wearing ly good for no other purposes than cheesehats and horns in the stands to tune one’s smoke alarm to – and VARIOUS ARTISTS: of Packers/Vikings games, we do i’m yours to keep!), so adjust for Best of Various: CD have plenty of butt-kicking female my myopia accordingly (the album Art rock, screaming hardcore, punk bands in this area that would is actually more or less like a lot of acoustic mellowness, and flat-out fit nicely into the next Midwest those records SST was putting out noise are given equal time on this Rules. And speaking of that, I right around the time the Urinals varied comp. Most of the tracks think a geography lesson may be became 100 Flowers – too point- sound like they come from assort- in order here. I mean, what exactly lessly artsy to be of much real last- ed demos, as no doubt they did, do you consider to be “Midwest”? ing benefit, but leaving enough of and there’s also a “college radio” I like Nine Pound Hammer but are a breadcrumb trail no one stayed feel to the sequencing, but nothing they “Midwest”? That’s down- hopelessly lost forever). All i know here can be construed as terrible, home chicken-fried southern punk is that in THIS overgrown 16-year- and some tracks are mighty fine, in my book. And while I’m at it: old’s brain, a urinal is always indeed. Featured bands include did something happen here that I gonna be a place you throw a ciga- +DOG+, Bratface, Illicit, Post don’t know about? Did Minnesota rette butt into, not a reference to Natal Abortion, the Shills, and Due secede from the rest of the Duchamp. BEST SONG: “I Make Process. –Jimmy Alvarado Midwest while I was off some- Love to Every Woman on the (www.loveearthmusic.com) where on a drunken bender? Vol. 1 Freeway” or “Typical Tzar” BEST had zero bands from Minnesota SONG TITLE: “I Make Love to VARIOUS ARTISTS: and Vol. 2 has zero bands from Every Woman on the Freeway” or Histeria 2: LP Minnesota. Not to be a shameless “Typical Tzar” FANTASTIC Martin Sorrondeguy serves up a homer, but I live in a town that has AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: second volume of punishingly as landscape “garnishes” statues of Thanks list includes Joseph Pope good international hardcore that’s various Peanuts characters dotting of Angst, who, as a buyer for surprisingly varied in sound, cour- our streets. That alone is enough to Systematic in the ‘80s, purchased tesy of Tomorrow, I Quit, Amdi breed white-hot punk rock discon- $350 of Suburban Mutilation Petersen’s Arme, Conga Fury, tent. We’re seething here and our albums from me i was never paid Fuerza-X, Punch in the Face, punk bands reflect that. So before for. –Rev. Nørb (Warning Label) Vitamin X, Scholastic Deth, Bruce you Haunted Town folks start slap- Banner, Disidencia and Regress. ping together Vol. 3, go listen to URINALS: What is Real Along with its predecessor and the No Hold Back: Twin Cities and What is Not: CD Suburban Voice’s No Sleep for Hardcorepunkrockandroll comp This is nowhere nears as manic as Hardcore, this is easily one of the and get a few of those bands to their earlier efforts, but that twist- best international hardcore comps pitch in a song or two next time ed pop sensibility is still readily thus far in the new millennium. around. –Aphid Peewit apparent and the songwriting is Included is a tabloid-sized publica- (Haunted Town) VARIOUS ARTISTS: New wave-type stuff. Overall assessment: York City Rock ‘n’ Roll: CD Even though I wasn’t enthused by A veritable cornucopia of achingly bad every band on this comp, I really cock rock, Dolls worship and embar- appreciated the diversity of bands pre- rassing post-Kiss attempts at shock sented and, in turn, their individual rock that, at best, results in peals of attempts to come up with something a laughter for all the wrong reasons. little different from what is passed off There are, literally, thousands of bands as punk these days. –Jimmy Alvarado doing this shtick so much better than (Geykido Comet) what is compiled here that one is only left to wonder why this aural embar- VARIOUS ARTISTS: The rassment was even released. –Jimmy Sound of San Francisco: CD Alvarado (Radical) It would seem the scope of that title would be pretty hard to live up to, and VARIOUS ARTISTS: they don’t: what’s here is almost entire- Six Steps to a Better You: CD ly composed of various shades of ‘80s I have grown to hate modern day rehash (and not the hardcore kind), comps lately. They just seem to be including several (!) takes on the Cult, slapped together like a cheap sandwich. certainly one of the worst hard rock A few do come along that I think have bands ever. The Naggs do a couple what I’m looking for. First, it has to good Runaways/Motley Crue rockers; have a band or two that I recognize. Two Gallants have a rootsy, Poguesy Second, I hope it has new songs by the sound; The Flakes are on a pretty band that I recognize. Third, I hope I inspired garage tip; and Young Trade get introduced to a new band. So I can turn in the single non-retro/derivative say that this comp meets some of my track, a bassy dancepunk one. The rest criteria. It has the crazy Japanese freak- of the bunch rolls around in the crud I boys Peelander Z. But those tracks are had to listen to in high school and, man, excerpts from their P-Bone Steak CD. they can keep it. –Cuss Baxter (Alive) The lovely ladies and dude who are the Lipstick Pickups contribute one unre- VARIOUS ARTISTS: leased song and the tracks that were on Tower 13: LP the great split 7” with the Bikini I didn’t think it was possible, but the Bumps. Here’s what I got for new. Nazi boys at Hostage have actually managed from Mars played a updated brand of to outdo themselves. After releasing electronic new wave that made me two near-perfect comps, they manage want to be Dieter. Bobot Adrenaline to raise the bar even further with this, did nothing for me. They might do quite possibly the most consistently something for you if you like pop rock good compilation of Southern with some punk. Zero Content did less California punk in decades. You get all for me. A barrage of samples from a killer and no filler here, with the bands couple of people who have too much (The Drips, The Fakes, Smogtown, time on their hands and a good knowl- Broken Bottles, The Pegs, The Main, edge of Pro Tools or a similar program. The Decline, Ciril, Smut Peddlers, The The (No) Apologies Project sounds Crowd, D-Cup, The Revlons, exactly like their band name implies, a Discontent, The Negatives, Thee project. It sounds like, “Hey let’s get Indigents and Cell Block 5, respective- together and jam! We’ll record what ly) mining not only the post-Posh comes out of it!.” Half I liked and half Boy/OC sound this label is known for, I didn’t. Not bad for what I have lis- but also dabbling in hardcore (the tened to lately. –Donofthedead Crowd, of all bands, turn in an unchar- (Geykido Comet) acteristically thrashy tune here) and punk’n’roll territory on occasion as VARIOUS ARTISTS: well. All you nay-sayers and Chicken Six Steps to A Better You: CD Littles crying out that punk is dead Nazis From Mars: A punk band from need to pick up a copy of this, as this is the Netherlands who use a drum living proof that “real” Southern machine instead of an actual drummer. California punk rock is alive and doing Very minimalist in approach, some new fine in 2003, thank you very much. wave trappings here and there, but they –Jimmy Alvarado (Hostage) are a hoot to listen to and “Don’t Do It” should be a radio hit. Peelander-Z: VARIOUS ARTISTS: Where Self-described “Japanese kung fu the Bad Boys Rock: 2X CD action punk” and I really don’t think I You get psychobilly, rock/punk, ‘60s can come up with a more apt descrip- slop, straight ahead rock and Texas tion, other than that they are one good Terri for your buck. There’re thirty- band. Lipstick Pickups: Trashy punk four tracks in all from the likes of the rock with nasal female vocals. I hear a Frankenstein Drag Queens, smidge of Dangerhouse buried in there Damnation, American Heartbreak, somewhere. Bobot Adrenaline: While I Duane Peters, Trash Can Darlings and can appreciate the diversity of influ- oodles of others. This would be the per- ences and creative spark inherent in fect soundtrack to a raucous party of their tunes, their brand of anthemic, people who’ve just made it back from poppy punk failed to move me much. the Dolls convention. –Jimmy Not a bad band by any stretch, it just Alvarado (People Like You) boils down to a difference in taste. Zero Content: Four short soundscapes with VATICANS: self-titled: 7” someone yelling on top. The (No) This latest musical endeavor sees Apologies Project: Arty, jazzy no Shane White and his latest gaggle of cohorts delving into the world of dis- new release from an old band that’s Knocked Me Out.” FANTASTIC contrast, lump in and otherwise quar- tortionless power pop territory, mov- very melodic in all the worst ways. AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I am well antine with my Stepmothers, T.S.O.L., ing him ever closer to fulfilling his –Jimmy Alvarado (Chunkasaah) aware of the fact that if most people Red Cross and MAYBE China White lifelong dream of having a band as own a certain critical mass of Wesley five-or-six song studio 12”s – prefer- cool as the Raspberries and as well VIVISECTORS, THE: CDs, their drive to enlarge their col- ably in a die-cut jacket that’s in regarded as Paul Collins. As can be self-Titled: CD-R lection, especially in these troubled homage to those red, yellow, green expected, the songs are strong, I have a natural soft spot for the surf financial times, drops off sharply, for and purple generic Posh Boy 12” although I imagine the inherent music idiom, so I can’t totally eviscer- completely understandable reasons dealies of twenty-some years ago. GO wimpiness of the sound is gonna put a ate the Vivisectors. I still occasionally (i.e., each and every song being a vari- BACK AND BRING ME WHAT I lot of trash punker noses out of shape, play old Surfaris and Ventures records ant on the same man-and-keyboard WANT OR I WILL CEASE THINK- which alone makes this worth every and somewhere in the ‘90s I even theme, charming though it may be). ING DEEPLY ABOUT YOUR penny. A couple of interesting facts: to bought a used copy of a Bomboras Let the record show that there is BAND. Thank you. BEST SONG: my reckoning, this is the first band disc – even though I was aware of an enough variety in the recordings Still “That Willowz Feelin’” BEST Shane’s played bass in since the first egregious Bomboras/Marilyn Manson culled for this album that that particu- SONG TITLE: Well, since the song lineup of the Chainsaw Blues back in love connection. So though this is lar ultra-mega-minimalist pitfall is called “Revolution” is neither the 1988, and included here is a drawing somewhat anemic, cable-access-level short-circuited, and the naysayer Beatles nor Toxic Reasons song of the of the band, his first “published” art- nu-surf, I still don’t mind it. It’s inof- might do well to say “aye” here – same name, i’ll go with “Equation No. work since his contributions to the fensive, backyard bar-b-q-friendly especially in light of the priceless 6” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA booklet for 1985’s Flex Your Mom music that pretty much everyone – and bonus video clips of the late Mr. Willis FACT: Recorded in stereo. cassette comp. –Jimmy Alvarado I mean everyone – would be more or at Taco John’s™ Corporate HQ –Rev. Nørb (Art Monkey) ([email protected]) less okay with. But, truth be told, I attempting to get a songwriting gig, et think the grizzled Dick Dale, even al. That is to say that, you, sir, can’t WINKS, THE: Self-titled: 7” VEXERS: Gangster Ballads without his Del Tones, would stomp shoot his harmony music down. Rock When the band won’t even put down and the Death Sex Set: CD the Vivisectors’ scrawny guts to make and roll will never die! Somewhere in their beers to get their picture taken Quirky, female-fronted college rock. jam for his high-fiber toast in the the great hereafter, Drackulla is still for the cover of their seven inch, it –Jimmy Alvarado (Ace Fu) morning. –Aphid Peewit (Vivisectors) screaming. –Rev. Nørb means that they’re either 1) alcoholics, (Alternative Tentacles) 2) tough broads, or 3) trying to look VINDICTIVES, THE: VON ZIPPERS, THE: like alcoholic, tough broads. Ignoring Curious Oddities and The Crime is Now: CD WESTERN ADDICTION: the fact that I’ve been reading about the Bare Essentials: CD Modern Canadian garage rock is so Remember to Dismember: 7” one of the members of The Winks in In the mid-nineties, The Vindictives upbeat and infectious; take The Good, but not superlative, hardcore. Snakepit for the past year and judging released a ton of seven inches and Hanson Brothers, Chixdiggit, The Riff It’s tight and well-played, but it stays solely by the music, I’m gonna guess were on half of the compilations that Randells, and of course, The Von at a constant tempo through all four tough broads. They have a trashy, half of the pop punk labels put out. Zippers. They’ve been at the party cir- songs and it’s not very fast. It’s good rock’n’roll sound to them, kinda like Most of these seven inches were col- cuit of garage for quite a number of enough that I’d listen to what they the Dirty Sweets or Loli and the lected into one CD called The Many years. Their live shows never disap- come out with next, but only if it has Chones, though they sound a little Moods of the Vindictives. That collec- point. I saw them once stoned out of part changes, and not just blast beats younger and a little more hollow than tion is still one of my all-time my gourd at Bar Deluxe where the and circle pit parts, either. Loli and the Chones. Still, these are favorites. I’ve had it for about eight singer, ironically wearing a crash hel- –Not Josh (Fat) four pretty rockin’ songs, full of Lone years or so, and I still dig it out of the met, crashed into the front row in the Star and attitude. –Sean (Super Secret) CD shelves and give it a spin and sing most hilariously accidental way possi- WHEN SPARKS FLY: along to every song and wish like hell ble. I hope they still wear the Nazi hel- We Who Are WORMWOOD/ that there was more Vindictives. Of mets. So here’s their latest effort brim- About to Die: CDEP TEEN CTHULHU: split 7” course, they also released Party Time ming with party antics, catchy beats, If I lived close to these guys and were First, it’s a picture disk. Second, I lis- for Assholes, an album of all covers, and gosh darnit, some social aware- friends with them, I would probably tened to Wormwood first and couldn’t and that’s a pretty cool CD in its own ness (“Blue Suit Blues”). Don’t get be all over this. Since I don’t, all I hear figure out if it’s 45 or 33 rpm. Third, I right. Then, there was another album. your hankies out – they still rock the is over-produced melodic punk that listened to Teen Cthulhu and it’s 45 I’m going to pretend that I don’t party in your pants and everyone is has hints of Godsmack. and they play dense metal that’s occa- remember the title, but I do remember cumming. – Miss Namella J. Kim –Donofthedead (Nice Guy) sionally a little gothic for my taste. the title because, when I sold it back, I (Estrus) Fourth, I listened to Wormwood again made a mental note to never buy that WILLOWZ, THE: CD and they play gothic metal that’s occa- album again. But, really, what I want- WESLEY WILLIS No info whatsoever, except that it’s on sionally dense enough for my taste. ed was more from the Vindictives’ & THE DRAGNEWS: Posh Boy, and as far as I can tell it –Cuss Baxter (Accident Prone) glory days. And now I have it. Curious Greatest Hits, Vol. 3: CD could as easily be from 1982 as 2002: Oddities gathers eight songs from the It’s the end of the Old West. It’s the old style pop punk a la Redd Kross Y, THE: Sooo…Intense: 7” time when the Vindictives were at end of the old Gunsmoke. It’s the end and that bunch, or the less manic stuff This is so dumb that it’s awesome. If their best, and it’s got all the tales of of the old Western World. It’s the end on some of those Mystic comps; boun- you don’t like this, you’re no fun. demons in your head and psychother- of the gang gunfire. It’s the End of the cy and fuzzy, with backup singing Highly recommended. Smoke weed apy gone awry that you’d expect from Western (x4). It’s the end of the Good (and some pretty extreme separation and drop out of school. –Not Josh these guys, and they make it fun to Old Days. It’s the end of the Olden on the stereo end of things). The (Sooooo Intense) sing along to. These eight songs alone Days. It’s the end of the Civil War. It’s singer kind of reminds me of Jeffrey make Curious Oddities worth picking the end of the Battle Days. It’s the End Lee Pierce. Very pleasant. YEAR FUTURE: up. On top of that, this collection has of the Western (x4). It’s the end of –Cuss Baxter (Posh Boy) self-titled CD-EP two Sex Pistols covers (“Seventeen” World War I. It’s the end of World War I never thought I’d hear a band that and “No Feelings”) that make me II. It’s the end of the horse carriage. WILLOWZ, THE: simultaneously reminded me of Drive wonder why I never figured out on my It’s the end of the chuck wagon. It’s Willowz with a Z Live: CD Like Jehu, Deadbolt, and some of the own what a perfect match the the end of the Western (x4). Rock over The band’s initial flash-frozen 1981- more ambient Man or Astroman stuff, Vindictives and the Sex Pistols are. London. Rock on Chicago. Federal in-twenty-aught-three Posh Boy single and I definitely didn’t expect to hear There’s also a funny cover of “Two Express. It’s the world on time. Easily lathered me up pretty right and proper; some guy yellin’ nonsensical lyrics Ton Tessie,” a demented cover of the best record i reviewed this issue. this follow-up live CD (recorded on over it. They could use a good were- “Nuttin’ for Christmas,” and a cover The rest o’ you oughtta be ashamed of the air at KUCI in Irvine CA, if that wolf song or two, and some snazzy of “Jingle Bells” that’s at the end, so yourselves. BEST SONG: “It’s the means anything to you [means nothin’ artwork wouldn’t hurt, either. –Not it’s no problem to skip it. I have to say, End of the Western” is legitimately ta me]) is essentially a push: I win Josh (GSL) I’m pretty stoked to have this new col- amazing. “Make My Joyplane Crash because it is, indeed, more Willowz lection. –Sean (Teat Productions) and Burn” “Suck a Pitbull’s Dick” and material for me to ponder, muse upon, “Love God” are similarly vunderbar. and vivisect; I lose because a live-at- VISION: Detonate: CD It’s actually all pretty good. BEST the-radio-station CD is not what i Funny, I seem to remember these guys SONG TITLE: “My Keyboard Got want. What i WANT is a five-or-six- sounding more hardcore than this. A Damaged.” Possibly “Gingerbread song studio 12” that i can compare, 93 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com
• 145 Records, • Destroy All, PO Box 26806, LA, • Kangaroo, Middenweg13, 2098 • Rodent Popsicle, PO Box 1143,