Slate.com Table of Contents fighting words Don't Let the Mullahs Run Out the Clock

foreigners ad report card Europe to America: We Surrender! What's Up, G? foreigners Advanced Search They Kill Journalists, Don't They? art foreigners Strike a Pose Witless Protection books gabfest Seven Habits of Truly Liberal People The Friendly Taliban Gabfest change-o-meter gaming Mountie Up I Was Told There Would Be No Math change-o-meter gaming Home Ec What's Killing the Video-Game Business? change-o-meter grieving Economic Empathy Tour '09 The Long Goodbye chatterbox human nature Kill the Carpetbagger The View From Above culturebox human nature Don't Worry About Conan Color ID culturebox jurisprudence Great Book, Bad Movie Reform School culturebox jurisprudence Top Yogi Welcome Back Khadr? day to day jurisprudence From Prada to Prison Textual Misconduct dear prudence moneybox The Fixated Fiance The Big Rich dispatches moneybox Paper Love: Inside the Holocaust Archives Public Relations Fiasco explainer my goodness Decapitation and the Muslim World Charity Begins at Home explainer number 1 Late Model The Hardest-Working Hand in Show Business explainer obit Sub Standard "What Are They So Scared Of? I'm Just a Little Old Lady." fashion other magazines Dispatches From Fashion Week The Joy of Stress fiction poem All Along, This Was What Was Supposed To Happen "The Sound That Wakes Me at Night, Thinking of It"

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 1/116 politics today's papers Take the Money and Run No One Can Escape the Crisis politics today's papers Yes, We Can, Eh? Detroit Gets Back to Washington politics today's papers The Burris Doctrine So Long, Car Czar press box today's papers Not All Information Wants To Be Free Geithner Pitches Plan Across the Pond recycled today's papers Demetri Martin's Slate Diary Obama's Bill To Stimulate Nation slate v tv club The Patient Actor Friday Night Lights, Season 3 slate v war stories Dear Prudence: Engagement Ring Secret The Pakistan Problem sports nut well-traveled Deep in the Glute of Texas Men at Work: Artisans of Old Japan technology How To Go to Harvard for Free technology In Search of Microsoft Geniuses ad report card What's Up, G? television The mystifying, abysmal new ads for Gatorade. Eurosports By John Swansburg Monday, February 16, 2009, at 9:35 AM ET the audio book club The Audio Book Club on Rabbit, Run The spot: "What's G?" asks a disembodied voice. The voice, the best policy familiar to hip-hop fans as that of rapper Lil Wayne, proceeds to The $500,000 Limit Is Not Enough explain that "G" is "gifted," "glorious," "golden," and also "the emblem of a warrior." As he speaks, a series of athletes, shot in the green lantern black and white, scroll across the screen. Several are instantly The Green Hereafter recognizable (Muhammad Ali, Derek Jeter); others are harder to place. The last individuals to appear on screen are a troupe of the oscars masked dancers. A large "G" appears on screen. "That's G," the The 2009 Academy Awards voice concludes. the oscars Let's Talk Oscars (Click here to view an alternate version of the ad.) the oscars In case you are still confused, the G in this ad stands for Captain Charisma "Gatorade." The ad first aired Jan. 1 during the Rose Bowl. No indication was given as to what it was advertising, leaving today's business press viewers to ponder the possibilities. It wasn't until the Super Bowl The "Cricket Tycoon" Nabbed that Gatorade officially revealed that G is the new face of its product. The monthlong mystery was designed to generate buzz today's papers California Lives! (For Now) for a major rebranding effort, now under way. Pick up a bottle of Gatorade Frost Glacier Freeze (i.e., blue) and you'll notice the today's papers familiar "Gatorade" logo has been pushed aside by a large, A Helping Hand for (Some) Homeowners stylized G. Several products have also been renamed. If, like me, your Gatorade purchases tend to occur in the aftermath of a

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 2/116 dehydrating night of drinking irresponsibly, rest assured—the Gatorade, unceremoniously dropped the rapper Ludacris as a reason you can't find the Gatorade Fierce isn't because you're spokesman after Bill O'Reilly made a fuss about his bawdy still drunk. Gatorade Fierce is now called Gatorade Bring It. lyrics. The Lil Wayne songbook makes Luda's seem quaint by comparison. Wayne once recorded an extended apostrophe to the Sarah Robb O'Hagan, Gatorade's chief marketing officer, female sex organ in which he compared his love of cunnilingus explained to me that the idea behind the new look and the new to Cookie Monster's love of cookies. ad campaign is to make the brand feel more contemporary and to appeal to the next generation of electrolyte drinkers. Do the ads I'm not so easily scandalized as O'Reilly, and if he'd been used pull this off? differently, Wayne might have been a brave, inspired choice. (To see how a Wayne cameo can be used to great effect, see this You certainly can't accuse them of skimping on the casting recent Nike ad.) But Gatorade wanted him only for his voice, in budget. Gatorade has always used athletes as spokespeople, but the hope it would prick the ears of his young fans. Gatorade's it's never assembled so large or diverse an ensemble as this. O'Hagan told me the rapper had no input on the wording of the Pretty much every corner of the sports world is represented: ads, and it shows. The script reads like the minutes of a late- basketball (Dwyane Wade), baseball (Jeter), tennis (Serena afternoon brainstorming session at Gatorade HQ: What are some Williams), golf (Tiger Woods). g-words we associate with our brand? Shout 'em out people. Gutsy. That's good. Glorious. Nice one, Renee. Emblem of a warrior. Hmm … doesn't begin with "g," but that's all right! If But these athletes aren't working out, drinking Gatorade, and sweating blue, as they would in a Gatorade spot of yore. Nearly only Gatorade had furnished Wayne with some cough syrup, a all of them are wearing street clothes. The effect is to add blunt, and a bag of gummy bears and let him riff on what G is. another layer of mystery to the ad: Who are these people? It's easy to recognize three-time NASCAR champion Jimmie Squandering the talents of Lil Wayne is bad enough, but Johnson when he's wearing his fire suit. Put him in something Gatorade also hired Spike Lee—who's created great sports ads more flammable and he's harder to make out. before, for Nike—without getting much to show for it. The look and feel of the G ads feels borrowed from will.i.am's "Yes We Can" video—unnamed celebrities filmed in black and white In some ways, this guessing game works to Gatorade's against a black backdrop. Lee's direction fails to unify what in advantage. Even if you don't care what G stands for, the ad the end feels like a hodgepodge. It's as if Gatorade execs had tickles your curiosity: "Is that Picabo Street?" you can't help but ask yourself. "I think that's Picabo Street." Before you know it, thrown everything they'd read was cool these days into a pot and you're running up Gatorade's YouTube numbers. Yet the stirred. Viral campaign: check. Hip-hop dance crew: check. Lil Wayne: check. Barack Obama: check. diversity of the cast is also confusing. Who's that cocky little kid who shows up after Muhammad Ali? And for the love of god, who are those homicidal maniacs doing that freaky dance This undisciplined approach is particularly surprising given the routine? source. Gatorade ads haven't always been pathbreaking works of invention, but they've gotten their point across. You have to admire the simplicity of the "Be like Mike" campaign—does a They are, respectively, Chaz Ortiz, a 14-year-old skateboarding pitch get more straightforward than that? Even the more recent phenom, and the Jabbawockeez, a hip-hop dance crew that ads featuring athletes sweating Gatorade, while somewhat gross, favors Jason-style hockey masks. No knock on skateboarding or were memorable and appealed to the product's core consumer: hip-hop dance, but do these guys belong in the same commercial as Bill Russell? athletes.

Gatorade has recently lost some market share to Coca-Cola's Ortiz and the Jabbawockeez stick out as a sop to a younger Powerade, but I blame vitaminwater for having inspired generation. So does the casting of Lil Wayne, who never appears Gatorade's muddled approach in this campaign. Vitaminwater, on camera but whose croak is unmistakable. There's no gainsaying Wayne's popularity. Critics love him. The pop charts also owned by Coca-Cola, has gone after the sports crowd by signing up fan-favorite athletes to star in quirky commercials. love him. The Recording Academy loves him. He also happens But it's also found flavored-water drinkers in places Gatorade to be a sports nut. He blogs on ESPN.com, recently made a guest st hadn't thought to look: It's courted health-conscious bohemians appearance on ESPN's 1 and 10, and has a tattoo of the ESPN by spiking its beverages with guarana and taurine; it's appealed logo on his forearm. to hip-hoppers by making the rapper 50 Cent not just a spokesman but also a minority owner. Gatorade remains But just because Wayne is a sports fan doesn't mean you want dominant in the sports world—players don't give coaches a "b- Wayne in your sports drink commercial. (He's also an avowed relaxed" bath after a big win—but seems jealous of abuser of promethazine, but you don't see him showing up in ads vitaminwater's success with a broader market. for Nyquil.) Recall that back in 2002, Pepsi, which owns

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 3/116 Grade: C- Alas, the campaign looks like it's headed downhill from here. Phase 2 has just rolled out, and while it's similarly star-studded, it's also similarly misguided: an homage to Monty Python and the Holy Grail starring Kevin Garnett and Usain Bolt in chainmail, with another appearance by the Jabbawockeez Click to read a slide-show essay about fashion photography. (whose time doesn't seem to be in great demand). The loopy tone of the new ads couldn't be more different than the ponderous one . of the teaser spots. My advice to Gatorade's marketing team: Go back to the simple message that your drink is the best way to rehydrate after a workout. And maybe chug a Gatorade Tiger . Focus (formerly Gatorade Tiger) before your next strategy session.

books Seven Habits of Truly Liberal People Alan Wolfe's persuasive portrait of liberalism. sidebar By K. Anthony Appiah Monday, February 16, 2009, at 7:01 AM ET Return to article Alan Wolfe is the sort of social theorist who would rather be Hockey is inconspicuously absent. plausible than provocative. Eschewing the lunacies of the left and the right—avoiding even their slighter sillinesses—he hews to a sensible, if unexciting, center. We must be robust—even militarily robust—against genocide everywhere, but recognize the limits of our armies as instruments of democratization overseas. We can encourage religious engagement in the public sidebar square but insist on freedom from religious imposition and the widest workable range of religious expression. Let us also welcome immigrants in a spirit of openness while accepting that Return to article we cannot absorb all who want to come and asking those who do come to open themselves to us. Wherever there is a reasonable Notable exceptions are the late Jackie Robinson, who appears middle ground—as here, between nativism and thanks to some digital wizardry and didn't have a say in the multiculturalism—he finds it unerringly. And, despite the matter, and Peyton Manning, whose agent presumably received Polonius-like platitudinousness of my simplifying summaries, he a terse voice-mail when the quarterback realized he was the only is attentive to the complexities of actually bringing these one to show up on set in full pads. thoughts to practical life. If professor Wolfe had a coat of arms, its motto would be "On the one hand, on the other." And though he may have only two hands, they are permanently occupied: He has many balls in the air. He is, as my British uncles might have put it, impeccably sound. If liberalism were just a temperament, Advanced Search we could agree that he has it in spades. Friday, October 19, 2001, at 6:39 PM ET But, as he argues himself in this engaging new book, The Future of Liberalism, liberalism is more than a temperament; it is also a political tradition with substantive commitments—a body of art ideas—and it has, as well, a dedication to fair procedures, impartially administered, legitimated by the consent of the Strike a Pose people. Temperament, substance, procedure can all be liberal, The strange art of fashion photography. and understanding liberalism requires a grasp of all three and of By Mia Fineman the connections among them. Wolfe's distinctive claim, Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 6:43 AM ET however, is that the key to liberalism is a set of dispositions, or habits of mind—seven of them, in fact, each of which gets its own chapter.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 4/116 Four of these dispositions will be quite familiar: "a sympathy for done well, is as creative and important as anything human beings equality," "an inclination to deliberate," "a commitment to do. tolerance," and "an appreciation of openness." We're used to the portrayal: liberals as talky, tolerant, open-minded, egalitarians. The last of Wolfe's most original trio of temperaments—the taste It's not surprising, then, that these types are at home in the for realism—can also be traced back to Kant. We have just lived garrulous world of the academy—or that bossy preachers, through an anti-liberal administration hostile to science, one that convinced they have the one true story, do not care for them fantasized we could load the atmosphere with carbon while much. But Wolfe's sketch of the liberal adds three unfamiliar keeping the Earth's ecology in balance and asserted, against all elements to the picture: "a disposition to grow," "a preference for the evidence, that urging sexual abstinence would stop the realism," and "a taste for governance." spread of AIDS. Wolfe argues that it is liberals, not conservatives, who dare to know. The disposition to grow is really not the best slogan for the element of the liberal tradition that Wolfe is trying to capture Wolfe's strategy is to explore the history of liberal ideas, with this phrase. What he means to resurrect is the faith that we institutions, and instincts; underline those he favors; and claim th can remake ourselves. In the mid-18 century, Rousseau (no that they define the whole. This is the only sane way to try to liberal he) argued that human beings do best without culture, that give shape to a tradition so large and unwieldy. Liberalism, like natural man is man at his best. The response of liberalism— a large rambunctious family, is characterized more by its long- epitomized, for Wolfe, in Kant—is that "we are not merely what running arguments than by its shared beliefs. It is not so much a God ordains us to be, but what we create through our own creed as a list of things worth fighting about. And as time goes deliberate acts." Far from being at our best when we follow a on and history teaches us fresh lessons, new options arise and nature that is already given, we human beings are creatures old ones are discarded. Until the early 20th century, liberals kept destined to remake the world by shaping ourselves. And Kant an eye on the economic conditions of the poor, but they were crystallized the new spirit of Enlightenment by arguing that it often skeptical about the government's playing a large role in the was reason and knowledge that made this creation possible. His economy. They favored a "night watchman" state and free slogan, sapere aude, "dare to know," urges us to examine markets. Then came the Great Depression; realism required a ourselves and the world in order to make both better: Liberalism rethinking of the government's role in the economy. comes with a commitment to science and study, a conviction that politics can lead to progress, and the belief that we have to make So I found myself convinced by Wolfe's avoidance of the ourselves again every day. philosopher's approach, which would be to define liberalism by its respect for human individuality and human rights or a It is wrong, therefore, Wolfe argues, to see the divide between concern for the material welfare of the poor. Modern liberals liberals and conservatives as grounded in a difference in have much sympathy for these ideals, but they are not attitudes toward human nature. It is not, as Thomas Sowell has liberalism's exclusive possession. The idea that liberalism is not claimed, that liberals believe that people are naturally good a set of doctrines but this distinctive and multifaceted while conservatives know that, alas, we are fundamentally bad. temperament strikes me as a useful contribution. "The important question is not whether human nature is good or bad; it is whether human beings can do anything about it." Since In a final chapter on "Liberalism's Promise," Wolfe offers a liberalism is convinced that our natures are up to be us— quick sketch of the modern world with its "increased personal something made, not found—the answer here from the liberal freedom, greater equality, religious diversity, social mobility, will always be yes. sustained economic growth, technological dynamism, global expansion, and an unshakeable conviction on the part of It is this conviction that explains the connection between ordinary people that even if they choose not to become involved liberalism and an optimistic commitment to politics. When in politics, their voice ought nonetheless to be the final say on Wolfe discusses the taste for governance in the penultimate what is permissible and what is not." Liberalism, he argues, chapter, he delineates liberalism's attitude by contrasting it once "may not have created modernity, but liberalism is the answer more with the opinions of its enemies, who believe that politics for which modernity is the question." is, at best, a necessary chore. Anti-liberals think that we should have as little government as we can get away with because the This book is the product of a liberal's reflection in the age of real achievements of humanity come from the self-organized Bush. Wolfe argues, for example, that it is the modern activity of the economy and of private life. This conviction is to Republican Party's distaste for governance that explains the be found both to liberalism's left—Marx, after all, hoped the stunning incompetence of the federal government's response to state would wither away—and to its right, among those modern Hurricane Katrina or of its occupation of Iraq—and that it is the conservatives who believe, as Ronald Reagan put it, that party's hostility to realism that explains the unwillingness to government is the problem. For liberals, the problem is bad accept scientific arguments about global warming. For each of government, and there is a vast range of government that, when those seven dispositions, Wolfe identifies failures of recent

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 5/116 Republican politics that arose because conservatives have a variety of oil, tar sands, is what made the country America's top contrary disposition. I am, let me confess, no friend of George oil provider. In the meantime, however, it's good news that Bush or of modern conservatism. But surely we cannot blame Obama is beginning to do his own foreign-relations dirty work, the failures of the former on the temperament of the latter. The especially in a country whose population had some hard feelings Bush administration was strangely hostile to science; but much toward America's last commander in chief. For this, he gets a 10 conservative argument is based on social science—contested, on the 'Meter. perhaps, but still scientific. The failures of FEMA in New Orleans look to me as much like the results of cronyism as of a Meanwhile, it looks like he's ready to choose Gov. Kathleen bad theory. The argument against conservatism lies in what the Sebelius of Kansas to replace Tom Daschle as his nominee for world would look like if conservatives carried out their policies secretary of HHS. So far, there has been no indication her taxes competently. On that issue, the Bush years may offer less insight aren't in order, and what's more, she has a successful record as a than Wolfe believes. bipartisan negotiator. This can't hurt, the New York Times points out, as Obama poises to expand health care coverage, which is And if George Bush is a little too present in this book, the most bound to be ideologically divisive. It's not a moment too soon, obvious absence in this book about liberalism's future is any real either, with Peter Orszag, Obama's Office of Management and attention to the politics of Barack Obama. (Blame the slow pace Budget director, saying that Medicaid and Medicare changes of most book publishing.) If liberalism has a future in America, loom in ongoing discussions of Obama's first budget. For his it is surely, for the moment, in the new president's hands. Still, if choice of Sebelius, the 'Meter gives 30 points. Wolfe is right, we are about to see whether the liberal temperament is indeed the ideal one for managing the modern Meanwhile, Adolfo Carrion became the White House's director world. Because if you look back at that checklist of seven of urban affairs. But some wonder if he represents another dispositions, what is striking is how very much our new lobbying exception on Obama's team. For continuing to flout an president embodies them all. important campaign promise, Obama loses 5.

Finally, Eric Holder will travel to Guantanamo on Monday to begin to determine where each of the 245 prisoners still detained there belongs. For keeping up his promise to close Gitmo, change-o-meter Obama recovers the 5 points he lost with Carrion. Mountie Up Obama heads north and lays the foundation for health care expansion. There's a lot to cover, so we want to hear your thoughts on what By Molly Redden the Change-o-Meter should be taking into account. No detail is Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 1:39 PM ET too small or wonky. E-mail may be quoted by name unless the writer stipulates otherwise. The Change-o-Meter is now a widget. You can add it to your blog, Web site, or profile with just a few clicks. (Shortcut for Facebook here.) Each time we publish a new column, the widget will automatically update to reflect the latest score. change-o-meter President Obama jets off to Canada today to talk trade. It's good Home Ec to see Obama handling foreign policy from somewhere besides American homeowners get help from Washington. his desk for a change—even if he's spending only seven hours By Karen Shih with our neighbors to the north. And as he gets ready to tackle Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 3:07 PM ET health care, he is reportedly ready to announce a savvy choice for secretary of health and human services. That move is soured Things are looking up: The stimulus bill was signed Tuesday somewhat by his ongoing disregard for a campaign promise not and (some) Republicans are lauding Obama's efforts. Now the to welcome recent lobbyists into his fold, but for keeping at his administration can turn to the whole struggling-homeowner promise to close Guantanamo, Obama holds steady at 40 on the issue. New drama out of Illinois could pose a distraction, but the Change-O-Meter. president seems focused elsewhere, authorizing a massive troop increase in Afghanistan and taking his first trip abroad on Looking to maintain a good relationship with America's largest Thursday. Obama gets 40 points on the Change-o-Meter today. trading partner, or maybe just looking for a break from domestic policy, Obama heads to Canada today to discuss trade and the President Obama unveiled the $75 billion Homeowner environment. We won't hold our breath waiting to hear Obama Affordability and Stability Plan today, a measure to help up to 9 talk tough on environmental issues—Canada's most polluting million families avoid foreclosure. The housing market remains

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 6/116 in decline, so this new move will help to stem the downward billion, comes a little cheaper than he might have hoped). spiral, keeping people in their homes by allowing them to Obama is probably pleased as punch to see his first big policy refinance their mortgages to take advantage of lower interest push succeed, but the 'Meter is withholding points until it sees rates. For finally focusing on homeowners, not investors, Obama some visible stimulation. We were going to toss in a few points gets 20 points. for the salary caps for bank CEOs that Sen. Chris Dodd slipped into the bill, but that provision is looking suspect since the White Another revelation in the ongoing drama of Obama's vacated House isn't onboard. Senate seat may not affect the president directly, but news that Roland Burris tried to raise money for former Gov. Rod Obama announced that he will not appoint a "car czar" to Blagojevich—contrary to past statements—once again threatens oversee the auto industry makeover but will instead put the onus to drag Obama back into the quagmire of Illinois politics. No on a team of trusty senior officials, including Tim Geithner and points down, because the revelation doesn't implicate Obama or Larry Summers (who evidently don't have enough to do his team, but it's a distraction he can't afford. already). The announcement came on the eve of the deadline for GM and Chrysler to submit their drowning-prevention plans, the The Environmental Protection Agency has agreed to reconsider quality of which will determine the Treasury's first round of life jacket funding for the auto giants. Ten points for forcing regulating carbon dioxide emissions from coal plants—a direct American car companies to attempt to put together a viable challenge to a Bush-era policy that said officials could not survival plan, not to mention the avoidance of having to call consider greenhouse-gas output when weighing applications to anyone a "car czar." build new coal plants. A ruling, however, could take months. No points yet, but it's a step in the right direction. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was welcomed warmly in Japan yesterday (even as that nation's unpopular finance minister Meanwhile, Obama announced the authorization of 17,000 resigned amid rumors of being hammered during a G7 news additional troops to go to Afghanistan. This bumps troop levels conference). Clinton's choice of Tokyo as her first stop on her nearly 50 percent, bringing the total number to around 55,000 by first diplomatic visit was a big symbolic victory for Japan, which midsummer. The increase is desperately needed, as both military has been feeling like the last kid picked for dodgeball since and civilian casualties have been high. Team Obama gets 20 Madam Secretary's husband infamously "passed" the island in points for acting on a key campaign promise. 1998. With Japan's export-reliant economy flailing, Clinton sought to reassure the country of its importance to the United There's a lot to cover, so we want to hear your thoughts on what States, calling the alliance a "cornerstone" of American foreign the Change-o-Meter should be taking into account. No detail is policy. Clinton is the first secretary of state in almost 50 years to too small or wonky. E-mail may be quoted by name unless the make East Asia part of the first diplomatic visit, so 10 more writer stipulates otherwise. points on the 'Meter for a good sense of timing.

Elsewhere in the world, things are not so warm and fuzzy. Hugo Chavez seems unconvinced that Obama is much different from George W. Bush, and now that Venezuelans have awarded him change-o-meter the ability to be president forever, it seems certain he'll be around to accuse Obama of the devil's stench for at least another Economic Empathy Tour '09 term. And in Pakistan, the government has agreed to implement Obama hits the road as he signs the stimulus package, while Clinton goes to Japan. strict Islamic law in the Swat valley region, essentially By Emily Lowe conceding the territory to the Taliban militants who have Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 3:05 PM ET successfully fought off the Pakistani military in between bombing schools and beheading policemen. The move is a huge blow to Obama, who has repeatedly emphasized the necessity of The administration asks the auto industry to "help me help you," a Pakistani commitment to combating extremism within their and the secretary of state's first diplomatic visit is going borders. The Change-o-Meter drops seven points under the swimmingly. But bad news from other corners of the world nagging familiarity of foreign leaders finding American brings doubts about Obama's influence abroad. And in the "On advisements less than persuasive. the Beach as nonfiction" department, nuclear submarines are playing bumper cars at 20,000 leagues. All told, Obama and his team rack up a 13 on the Change-o-Meter today. There's a lot to cover, so we want to hear your thoughts on what the Change-o-Meter should be taking into account. No detail is too small or wonky. E-mail may be quoted by name unless the Before heading to Arizona to continue Economic Empathy Tour writer stipulates otherwise. '09, Obama will make a pit stop in Denver today to sign the much-awaited stimulus package (which, at a measly $787

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 7/116 reliable way to calculate either audience share or the absolute number of TV viewers worldwide; the frequent claim that the Super Bowl and the Oscars draw a worldwide audience of 1 chatterbox billion or more is pure invention.) And, anyway, the Internet Kill the Carpetbagger audience is losing interest in the Oscars, too. According to Nielsen, Web traffic to Oscar-related sites on the day after the The case against the New York Times' saturation Oscar coverage. By Timothy Noah 2008 Academy Awards was down 26 percent compared with the Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 6:07 PMET previous year.

In light of these data, New York Times, hear my plea: Free David Do you know that the Academy Awards will be given out on Carr! Feb. 22? Of course you do! You can't open a newspaper or magazine these days—or click onto a culture-news Web site— Carr's weekly column in the Times business section, "The Media without being bombarded by Oscar coverage. A Nexis database Equation," is one of the most reliably interesting features in the search turns up, in the New York Times, 251 mentions of the paper. His 2008 book, The Night of the Gun, was one of the most phrase Academy Awards or the word Oscars since Jan. 1. That's gripping memoirs that I've ever read. But Carr's seasonal print more mentions in the Times than for the words Pakistan (186), column, blog, and video blog about the Oscars, all called "The Geithner (169), foreclosure (142), or Blagojevich (66). In 2008, Carpetbagger," constitute a steady stream of drivel unworthy of Academy Awards or Oscars appeared in the Times no fewer than either Carr or the Times. Perhaps some of the fault lies with 1,383 times. That was down slightly from 2007 (1,455 times), Carr—I'm told Tom O'Neill's "The Envelope" in the Los Angeles but in general the trend has been upward: 1,259 mentions in Times dishes better gossip—but the underlying problem is the 2003, 1,282 mentions in 2004, 1,327 mentions in 2005, 1,341 topic, about which not much of interest can be said. I speak as a mentions in 2006. As recently as 1995, there were only 810. lifelong movie buff who watches the Oscars nearly every year, forgets who won within 24 hours, and doesn't think about them While Times Oscar coverage has been trending upward, the again until I watch the next year's broadcast. (I exhausted my American public's interest in the Academy Awards, as measured professional interest in Oscar kibitzing with this 2001 column by Nielsen ratings, has mostly been trending downward: 20.4 about the Academy Awards' left-wing nominating process.) percent of U.S. households watched in 2003 (when interest was said to be dampened by the start of the Iraq war), 26 percent Pick a "Carpetbagger" entry, any entry. A Feb. 18 blog item watched in 2004, 25.4 percent in 2005, 22.9 percent in 2006, 23 makes fun of Mickey Rourke's clothes. A Feb. 12 print column percent in 2007, and a truly dismal 17.9 percent in 2008. The ("In Praise of Long-Shot Oscar Nominees") informs us that 2008 Oscar ratings were the lowest ever recorded. Thirty-two "when some people say they are thrilled just to be nominated, million Americans watched, compared with the peak Oscar they really mean it" and advises, "we should be thrilled along audience of 55 million in 1998. Anticipating lousy ratings again with them." A Jan. 29 print column ("Riveting Tales for Dark this year, ABC has dropped its ad rate for a 30-second Days") takes a more self-mocking tack: "Yes, amid the relentless commercial from $1.7 million to $1.4 million and has persuaded reports of layoffs and bailouts, recession and war, I'm going the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to lift its deep on whether there is a serious race for best actor between previous (and somewhat fastidious) ban against movie Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke." The video blog at least advertising during the broadcast. demonstrates that Carr is endlessly game—with his raspy voice, goofy appearance, and high enthusiasm, he plays the quirky naif, You might argue that the Oscars' ratings decline merely reflects a wide-eyed persona intriguingly at odds with what readers of the shrinking of network audience share during the past decade, The Night of the Gun learned about his darker past. I would a trend typically attributed to the proliferation of cable channels. guess that Carr has always projected some version of this But Nielsen ratings for the Super Bowl, the other annual event guileless self in practicing his reportorial craft. I would also that traditionally has drawn a huge TV audience, have mostly guess that in other contexts, he doesn't come across as a nosed upward during the same period: 40.7 of U.S. households sycophant and a fool. Watch Carr snowboard his very first time watched in 2003, 41.4 percent watched in 2004, 41.1 percent in (whoops!) with Woody Harrelson while attending Sundance! 2005, 41.6 percent in 2006, 42.6 percent in 2007, 43.1 percent in Check out those zany New Year's Eve sunglasses as Carr 2008, and 42 percent earlier this month. You might argue that interviews moviegoers in Times Square! Um, how is this any the Oscars' declining number of viewers merely shows that the different from the crap on the E! channel? TV audience is migrating to the Internet. But Nielsen declared the 2009 Super Bowl the "most watched Super Bowl game I don't wish to belabor the point. Carr is an excellent journalist ever," drawing an audience of 98.7 million TV viewers. That's who's apparently too star-struck, or good-natured, or spooked by more than three times as many people as watched last year's the newspaper economy to decline this dog of an assignment. Oscars. (I'm counting only the U.S. audience because there's no Maybe Americans really are more interested in endless Oscar

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 8/116 handicapping than they are in contemplating a possible Islamist (Fortunately, my turn toward marginally more responsible regime with a nuclear bomb, or the treasury secretary's attempts sleep/lifestyle choices has coincided with the rise of DVR.) to solve the banking crisis, or the unaffordable mortgages that might tip the U.S. economy into a full-fledged Depression. (If As a longtime fan of the Conester, I had reservations about they're sick of Rod Blagojevich, I'm not sure I can blame them.) whether his style would "translate" to the earlier time slot; I was Me, I'd rather go to the movies. also disturbed to see that someone who had achieved essentially complete freedom to showcase whatever kind of comedy and [Update, Feb. 19: Carr replies that he's "always thought of his music that he saw fit—and made a lot of money doing so— part-time Oscar gig as a way to crack wise and go all smarty would move to Los Angeles and presumably make all manner of pants without constantly making all those ugly phone calls that horrible artistic compromises, filling the hour with vapid teen real reporting entails. Sort of like working at Slate." To read his musicians and Chuckle Hut-level Viagra jokes. But I think I was entire blog entry, click here.] wrong. After watching Conan's last week of shows with a careful eye, I've become convinced: He should have no problem replacing Jay Leno and maintaining NBC's record of late-night dominance. And he's going to do it without abandoning the style that made him a success in the first place. culturebox Don't Worry About Conan How do I know this? Well, I don't, really. But I know that the reasons people think Conan will fail are erroneous. The He's going to be great as the Tonight Show host. By Ben Mathis-Lilley prevailing theory is that his comedy—and indeed his Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 6:54 PM ET personality—are simply too weird for the kind of mass audience NBC wants to draw to The Tonight Show."As Conan Goes West, Where Will the Humor Go?" asks an indicative piece in Sunday's Boston Globe arguing that Conan will have to Tomorrow night will mark Conan O'Brien's final show as host of "graduate" from perpetual immaturity—from characters like the NBC's Late Night. He's moving to Los Angeles, where on June 1 "Masturbating Bear," a frequent guest—to succeed. But while he will take over as host of The Tonight Show. Many observers it's true that Conan's brand of comedy is not exactly like Leno's, think he could be a failure in that new role—most notable among I think this attitude both misses the point of what makes The them the guys in charge of The Tonight Show. Months ago, NBC Tonight Show successful and under-rates Conan's ability to was reportedly faced with the possibility that Jay Leno might connect with a broad audience. hand the reins to Conan only to launch a competitive program on another network at the same hour. NBC decided that wasn't a battle they were confident that Conan would win. So the network It's worth remembering that The Tonight Show has sustained its offered Leno a 10 p.m. show, Leno accepted, and the crisis was dominance across many years, with many hosts who weren't all averted—at the cost of indicating to advertisers, potential guests, necessarily alike. What's remained the same is a generalized and Conan himself that NBC executives kind of regret their vibe—of familiarity and fun and all those things that Joe decision to give him the big job. They aren't the only ones who American is looking for after a long, stressful day working in the think that way. NBC's most prominent critic is probably David steel mill or providing steel-mill-management-consulting Letterman, no friend of Leno's, of course. "I'm not quite sure services. As my colleague Sam Anderson has noted, Leno's why NBC would do that after the job Jay has done for them," he greatest skill is his ability to maintain that enjoyable atmosphere told Rolling Stone after it was announced that Conan would in spite of material that could easily kill the mood—his replace Leno. Even Conan's biggest fans are worried that he'll schlocky, news-story-about-Arkansas, punch-line-about- fail or, worse, dumb down his act in an attempt to imitate Leno's someone-boning-their-cousin material. lucrative inanity. In this scenario, success is a more horrifying possibility than failure. Conan has that skill, too. A commonly overlooked fact of late- night programming is that every host—Conan very much I know about that last part because I'm one of those fans, a included—fills airtime quite liberally with rim-shot humor about member of the demographic most likely to view Conan with celebrities and stereotypes. What distinguishes the hosts is love and affection: people who reached late-night-TV-watching delivery, of the jokes themselves but also of the idle banter age at around the same time Conan's show started getting good, between them. Throughout his show, Conan maintains a around 1995 or so. If you're like me, you started watching Conan running, good-natured self-critique which sometimes has the regularly at around age 13 or 14, and continued as a highly effect of making the audience laugh more when the jokes don't regular viewer for the next eight or nine years, your loyal land. His self-effacement isn't quite the same as Leno's fandom enabled by the fact that, as a teenager and then a college unflagging enthusiasm, but it has a similar rapport-building student, you had no problem staying up until 12:40 every night. effect.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 9/116 It's also a mistake to assume that Conan's success has been built solely on a foundation of sophomoric non sequiturs. Granted, Why does Hollywood take our favorite novels and turn them one weapon in his arsenal is the "machine-gun-wielding goose" into crap? joke. I refer, of course, to Conan's occasional tendency to end sentences with "Isn't that right, machine-gun wielding goose?"— This isn't an original complaint: Liking the book better than the whereupon a cutaway reveals an actual live goose sitting next to movie is a middlebrow rite of passage. And novels are a him in the studio with a machine gun hung from its neck. Here, constant, renewable source of stories for Hollywood, with ready- the humor is created by the gap between the bizarre built brand appeal—from the kiddie franchises (Harry Potter, circumstances and the exaggerated calmness with which the Lord of the Rings, Narnia) to the airport bangers (Da Vinci surrounding observers deal with them. Code, the Bourne etceteras). Nor are these always bad movies. It turns out that good plots and an epic dimension translate well Conan's a master of this trick, but it's not his only one. When he from page to screen. But the attempt to scale this model by does deliver the rim-shot material, he puts his own spin on it. making midsize movies from literary novels has been an ugly Take the recent example of A-Rod—a chestnut of a late-night disaster. In our post-The Reader world, I can safely say that I'd target if there ever was one. Here's a Jay Leno A-Rod joke: "The rather personally digitize back issues of Talk magazine than see economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez another movie based on Harvey Weinstein's favorite book. Scott had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." Now Rudin can fudge off, too. consider Conan's bit, in which an apology-mad star admits to using steroids, but also to killing Tupac, and sleeping with I once interviewed to be a literary scout for a respected producer. Madonna, whom he refers to as an "old, leathery, fake-Jewish The job, as described, was this: find the best novels before velociraptor." References to Jurassic Park and one of the most anyone else does so they can be bought and made into great popular musicians of the last two decades—he isn't exactly movies. This sounds admirable. But it rests on the idea that what going over the head of that mass audience here. But unlike makes a literary novel good can be translated with any reliability Leno's borsht-stained line, Conan's joke has an element of into what makes a movie good. Three of the films that will be inventiveness, of surprise. It's this aspect of his approach, rather feted come Oscar night are based on recognizable literature. And than some unbending devotion to absurdity, that Conan's fans while The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and The Reader are like about him. definitely terrible movies, Revolutionary Road is both the worst movie I saw this year and one of the best novels I've read. As Conan has wrapped up his run in New York City, he's been kicking off each show by running "best-of" segments. Four of What makes the book so good and the movie so bad? And why the bits replayed last week were "remote" pieces filmed outside is this divergence so unsurprising? The answer is simple, but it the studio. On Monday, it was his 2004 attempt to sell his car, a has complex implications: Novels are long, but movies are short. green 1992 Ford Taurus sedan; on Tuesday it was his 2005 trip It's impossible to encapsulate the tonal shifts of a book like to a Napa Valley winery; on Wednesday it was the 2001 hayride Revolutionary Road in a feature-length film, no matter how long he enjoyed with Mr. T.; on Thursday, a 1996 trip to Houston that those two hours feel. he took to try to find out who was watching his show, which the local affiliate at the time aired at 2:40 a.m. What all those bits Richard Yates was not an emotionally subtle writer, and yet he have in common, aside from the fact that they're incredibly was able to implicate his readers in whatever judgment he funny and that they don't involve bizarre characters or obscure passed on his characters. Revolutionary Road works through the references, is they show Conan engaging with strangers—some inculcation of false hope, again and again. We're repeatedly told of whom have no idea who he is. I suspect that the choice of that things are going to get better for the Wheelers; we're these particular segments may be a pointed move on his part, a promised, or we think we've been promised, emotional and response to his critics. Relax, everyone! Conan's always been artistic breakthroughs. And in these hopes—these feverish wee- great at finding people who've never heard of him and making hour plans and pledges—we see our own hopes, our own them laugh. If that doesn't bode well for his tenure at The insistent belief in personal progress, squelched. Tonight Show, I don't know what does. The movie replaces character with plot, and the result lands with a wet flop. It tells the story of Revolutionary Road and makes us see how thin the plot is: Self-identified creative souls must escape suburbia; maybe Paris would be nice; pregnancy is an culturebox unwelcome surprise. With the constant emphasis on what Great Book, Bad Movie happens next, the audience is reduced to being spectators of How Hollywood ruins novels. fights and sex, dreams and dissolution. Interesting stuff, maybe, By Willing Davidson but it's their stuff, not ours. We'll never know these people; Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 2:04 PM ET they're not us.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 10/116 This is what the movies do to literature, typically: There's so story in a highly stylized stage set. Every prop shrinks around much plot to get in that there's no time to tell the story. Perhaps the actors. The three levels of the temple add up to about 10 feet, it's the insecurity of Hollywood: Inflated by the borrowed and the path that leads to it is an assembly of wooden slats on a prestige of books, producers and directors won't stray too far painted floor. On the ceiling and walls a thick golden coat of sky from the guide-ropes of the story. Revolutionary Road, for is interrupted by flat green vegetation. In almost every frame of instance, feels less directed than curated. But in this bargain, the scene we see at least three boundaries. This is a novel, Hollywood makes an unnecessary concession, in effect Schrader's saying: a formal, artificial space in which characters admitting that movies are dumber than books. How could we move about for our edification. think otherwise when smart books are continually turned into witless movies? It's the ultimate head-to-head competition, and The novel is an attempt to express life, typically a mimetic movies are the Washington Generals. Are there reverse attempt. But there's no naturalism in the novel. Writing down examples, where a mediocre movie is turned into a good book? I what actually happens, what's actually said, would be boring and can't think of one, though I've heard that the novelization of The read as fake. The novel is a hermetic system, with formal rules, Harder They Come is remarkably successful. No, until recently, that tries to express or comment on something outside itself. I'd just about decided that film deserves its reduced reputation as Sam Mendes' Revolutionary Road believes that what is said in a the flashy, gelled-hair cousin to literature. novel represents some kind of truth that actors can play. But Schrader's treatment of the novels in Mishima is more open- Then I saw Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters, which the eyed. They're set apart, self-contained, and yet miniature worlds Criterion Collection has recently re-released. Director Paul are there within. They take place on a stage within a limited Schrader—who had grown up in a strict Calvinist household, room, and yet we enter a life as fully realized as the more been mentored by Pauline Kael, written Taxi Driver, and documentary parts of the movie, that are supposedly "about" directed American Gigolo—used the life and work of Yukio Mishima. Mishima to make his masterpiece. So much for theory. Mishima is an achingly pleasurable movie, a Mishima was Japan's most famous writer in the 1950s and '60s. formal work of art that offers visceral pleasures: From the shots Obsessed with the restoration of Japan's imperial and martial of the writer's ridiculously baroque house at the beginning of the glory, Mishima believed that young men should glorify their film to the blazing red sun that ends it, Schrader works with a bodies through weightlifting and military exercise and then, wide palette of colors and settings that string the viewer along perhaps, commit ritual suicide at the height of their beauty. It from scene to scene. This is the luxury of film, that it can cohere was a highly eroticized vision, but Mishima was indulged a narrative through color or even through technical devices such because of his fame and because he offered a way for the as panning and focus. Japanese to reclaim their dignity after their postwar privations. In fact, Mishima was allowed to maintain his own private Yet Revolutionary Road uses the medium of film to very little militia, an indulgence that backfired when he and some of his effect. Perhaps if Mendes had concentrated more on the mood cadets took over the local army garrison, tied up the and tone of the book instead of styling it like a two-hour episode commanding officer, and gathered all the soldiers in front of the of Mad Men, the movie could be viewed as something more than building, where Mishima gave a poorly received speech a chance for slow readers to imbibe a classic. exhorting the military to return the emperor to his rightful glory. Mishima then went inside and committed seppuku. Lest the reader think I'm comparing apples to oranges—an art house auteur's work to a big time Oscar-baiter—note that That's a lot of plot for one movie, and yet Schrader complicates Mishima was produced by George Lucas and Francis Ford it. He tells the story of that day, and of Mishima's prior life and Coppola. It was released in 1985, and the great run of 1970s career, but he also throws in three of Mishima's novels: The American film culture was just coming to an end. Ironically, it Temple of the Golden Pavilion, Kyoko's House, and Runaway was partly Lucas' Star Wars franchise that proved how lucrative Horses. And yet, where one would expect muddle, there's a giving the people what they want, repeatedly, could be. The weird clarity. Schrader's only option—self-imposed—is not to mainstream art movie became a duty, useful mostly for picking respect the plot. Mishima believed that there were some things up golden statuary. Regretting the lost golden age of movies that art couldn't express and some things that action couldn't. won't bring it back. But I hope that the directors and producers The pen and the sword have their own capabilities. Similarly, who aspire to some more-elevated renown will do the culturally Schrader uses a combination of literary and visual vocabularies appropriate thing: put down that Penguin Classic and pick up a to indicate that books and movies play by different rules. movie.

The Temple of the Golden Pavilion follows a stuttering Buddhist acolyte who both reveres and detests the beauty of the temple where he studies; eventually, he burns it down. Schrader sets this

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 11/116 culturebox he said: one up, one down. You have to stay afloat as long as Top Yogi possible until the waves hit the beach, and yoga is the only thing that can keep you going for certain. "Every business is going Rabbit poses, coconut water, and a Bikram-practicing dance team at the international yoga championship. down," Bikram said. "But yoga is going up 60 percent." By the By Neal Pollack end, Bikram was onstage with Pepe and the Outer Circle Crew, Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 7:30 AM ET wearing a red, spangled shirt and out-dancing everyone to a disco remix of "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)." Well, I thought, at least someone is having a good year. To those of us who've spent years practicing yoga in an atmosphere of soft-lit candles, chanting, and nonjudgmental When I returned the next morning, the room had been good vibes, the idea of a yoga competition sounds about as transformed into a legitimate athletic stage, with no evidence of absurd as the idea of competitive prayer. On my way to the 6th the previous night's variety-show nuttiness save a few stray red Annual International Yoga Asana Championship, held at the balloons in the rafters. Everything ran with precision and Westin Hotel LAX on the weekend of Feb. 7, I steeled myself to efficiency. The video and audio were of professional quality and bear witness to some sort of whacked-out yoga circus, and that's the emcee had a classy, sonorous voice. Most impressively, the more or less what I got. But a lot of yoga culture feels weird and competitors, judged under strict and consistent standards, circuslike to me anyway, so I would have felt disappointed if it continually wafted into beautiful and magnificent yoga postures. had ended up being otherwise. I can now also tell you that there's a chance competitive yoga will soon be an official event at the The men's division, for the most part, looked like dudes doing Summer Olympics. yoga very well. But watching the women, all performing serenely daring stuff, was like staring at water getting poured At the center of the weekend, wearing flashy suits and various from a pitcher very slowly. It was lyrical, majestic, composed. fedoras, stood Bikram Choudhury, the animating force behind Legs folded behind heads, and heads appeared between legs, the competitive yoga circuit. Here's a man who's copyrighted his chin on the floor, after impossible backward bends. Yoginis style of yoga (26 postures, repeated twice, in a room heated to folded into lotus, balanced on their knees, and shot their legs 105 degrees Fahrenheit), sends cease-and-desist letters to those back while balancing on their arms, smiling all the time. I may who dare flout the copyright, and, in interviews, summarily have been dreaming but I swear I saw, during the youth dismisses all other forms of American yoga while also bragging competition, one girl draw into a bow, arch back, and place her about his love for McDonald's and his large fleet of self-restored toes in her mouth. I'd been doing yoga for years, but this was the Rolls-Royces. He once famously told Business 2.0 magazine that first time I'd seen poses like the ones I used to gawk at in the his yoga was the "only yoga." When asked why, he said it was Guinness Book of World Records. because he has "balls like atom bombs, two of them, 100 megatons each. Nobody fucks with me." Not surprisingly, other Yoga competitions have a long and respected tradition in India. yoga circles view him and his particular craft with everything Bikram himself became the country's youngest-ever national from mildly dismissive amusement to a disdain coming close to champion at age 12, and, as his self-propelled legend goes, won disgust. three straight years until his guru, Bishnu Ghosh, told him to stop for the sake of the other participants. His wife, Rajashree, is Nothing that went down on Friday night would have done much also a multiple-time champion. When I talked to her between to change their minds. In the yoga world, only Bikram would events in the ballroom, she remembered how, at the time she have the chutzpah,* at the opening ceremony of a rigorous married Bikram in 1984, India had formed a federation to athletic event, to throw himself a lavish birthday party (funded attempt to get yoga into the Olympics. That attempt went by his affiliate-studio owners) in an enormous hotel ballroom nowhere, since at the time no other country had enough skilled appointed like the grand hall of a middlebrow cruise ship. The yogis to field a team. evening's program, a nonstop cavalcade of Bikram worship that flowed like a river of artificially sweetened ghee, included: an Even in 2003, when Bikram and Rajashree held their first cup to enthusiastic performance from the Bikram-yoga-practicing honor Bishnu Ghosh's centenary, the field included only the dance team Pepe and the Outer Circle Crew; a confused United States, India, Canada, and Australia; men and women presentation from Ogie the Wild Man, a Bikram devotee also competed against one another directly. But this year's field known as "the world's fastest golfer"; and a performance of the featured competitors from 20 countries, with separate men's and Shirley Horn song "Here's to Life," with lyrics changed: Here's women's divisions, as well as competitions for boys and girls to life, to every joy it brings / here's to life, to Bikram and his under the age of 18. There are well-attended regional dreams. competitions throughout the year featuring yogis from nearly every U.S. state. While the wave is clearly rising, it's still far The evening ended with Bikram giving a short birthday speech from mega-corporate status. This year's "official sponsors" were addressing the economic crisis. Life is like waves in the ocean, a few yoga-wear companies, most of them owned by Bikram

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 12/116 people, and Zico coconut water. Still, Bikram's global reach, In order to make competitive yoga Olympics-worthy, Rajashree ambition, resources, and a bull-dogged marketing scheme that has started a not-for-profit federation. She's acting, she says, as comes close to nagging were enough to draw several members an objective ambassador of yoga, and anybody from any of the International Olympic Committee to the Westin. discipline is welcome to compete in these championships. That's "Everything has to happen at the right time," Rajashree said to a worthy sentiment, and an evidently sincere one, except that me confidently. "This is the right time." those outreach efforts don't appear to be going anywhere thus far. Every single person I met at the Westin was a Bikram *** teacher, student, or studio owner, and they all described their experience with Bikram while wearing the eye-glaze of the recently saved. All the postures in the compulsory series are The end goal of all yoga is to get to samadhi, a state of drawn from Bikram's copyrighted practice, and nearly all the enlightened bliss where the ego separates from the self and the optional poses I saw were as well. practitioner realizes that he's powerless to control the vagaries of an endlessly shifting universe. Obviously, this can't be quantified. Instead, yoga competitions involve various asanas, When I mentioned my own baseline yoga practice, the Ashtanga or poses, within hatha, the physical branch of yoga. As in primary series, I was met with a quiet nod of silent judgment or diving, figure skating, or Platonic philosophy, there's an ideal a dismissive "hmm." One person said, "Well, if you want to go form. practice your ujayii breath off in the corner, that's your business." In this, they take their lead from their guru, who in a The competition involves five compulsory poses: standing-head- recent interview said that prop-heavy Iyengar yoga studios look to-knee, which goes just as it sounds; standing bow, in which like "a Santa Monica sex shop." you balance on one leg with one arm extended forward and the other arm drawing back the lifted leg; bow pose, in which, on Though I didn't quite feel that my kind were welcome, I did the floor, you grab both feet with your hands and arch back; admire the dedication and hard training of the athletes. Every "rabbit," which involves scrunching up into a little ball; and a competitor I met took the hot, brutal punishment of Bikram yoga seated forward stretch. After that, the competitors get to pick at least once a day; that regimen, as well as extra practice time, two optional poses, where they can really strut. They have three would suck the life out of just about anyone. I talked with 23- minutes to complete the routine, or else they get penalized. year-old Joseph Encinia of Dallas, who four years earlier had been an overweight kid with rheumatoid arthritis. This year, On Saturday afternoon, I met Mary Jarvis, a San Francisco- thanks to Bikram, he became the U.S. men's yoga champion. based yoga-studio owner who was one of Bikram's first U.S. Then there was Alisa Matthews, the reigning international women's champion, who'd been roped into competing by Bikram students. She's kind of like the Béla Kårolyi of competitive yoga; and Rajashree in 2004 because she was from Washington, D.C., she's trained several world champions and several more runners- and they'd needed a representative from there. Now she was up. Jarvis walked me through the basics of the competition with finishing up a year of traveling around the world as an a refreshing bluntness. The first two poses, she said, are about patience, strength, and endurance, while the seated poses are international yoga "ambassador," kind of like a yoga Miss purely biomechanical and reveal the quality of your spine. Your America. "I went out there and inspired," she said. optional poses "tell a story about the kind of person you are," she said. "You demonstrate what you've accomplished in your life. Just before the awarding of this year's international prizes, I met It's brilliant. You cannot lie." Courtney Mace, age 32, from New York City. The previous day, she'd been crowned the U.S. women's champion, and today had Competitive yoga, Jarvis told me, is about the unity of body, executed a near-flawless routine capped by a magnificent crane pose. "The competition gets a lot of flak from a lot of people," mind, and soul. "The more advanced a yoga posture is, the more she said, "but it's not like anyone's trying to crack anyone else's humble the yogi should be," she said. "If somebody's really kneecaps. You're sharing your devotion, your story. Trying to arrogant, I won't train them. They can have a great posture on help one another out." stage and be a total asshole."

A half-hour later, a bunch of buff dudes did a crass onstage To a hard-core yoga dork like myself, explanations like hers display of sweat-free yoga shorts invented by a Bikram studio make sense. Yoga has done more for my physical and mental owner. It looked like the Bikram series performed by well-being than anything else I've tried. Still, I don't regularly practice Bikram yoga, and that's where, as the competitions Chippendale's dancers. Following that, Rajashree and Bikram entered their final hours on Sunday, my problems with the whole awarded this year's prizes. The male title went to a sweet- looking gentleman from Singapore. Courtney Mace won the thing lay. overall women's championship and will soon begin her travels as an international yoga ambassador.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 13/116 I wasn't sure what I'd just witnessed and experienced, and I'm Get "Dear Prudence" delivered to your inbox each week; click still not. But I do know that the next morning, I went to my usual here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to place, a modest apartment where I regularly do Ashtanga with a [email protected]. (Questions may be edited.) small and trusted group of friends. There was no hero worship and no talk of competition, transformation, or spreading yoga to Dear Prudence, the children; just some postures, some very light chanting, and a I am a university student, and a few months ago I met the fiance few laughs afterward. I was damn glad to be there. of an acquaintance at a social event. He was friendly and seemed like a nice guy. I didn't think anything of our encounter, but he Correction, Feb. 18, 2009: This piece originally and incorrectly soon found out my phone number and friended me on a used the Yiddish word naches (meaning pride) rather than the networking site. A red flag went up when I got his first instant term chutzpah (meaning nerve or gall). (Return to the corrected message, but I talked to him and was cautiously friendly. He told sentence.) me how interesting I was and asked me personal questions. Over the weeks his texts and instant messages, which I only rarely responded to, became uncomfortably frequent, so I told him that I respected his fiancee and thought his behavior was inappropriate. He was shocked and emphatically assured me that day to day I had nothing to worry about and that he just really enjoyed meeting me. He then told me he couldn't wait to see me again From Prada to Prison and would make sure that his fiancee was there. After we Friday, February 20, 2009, at 1:05 PM ET finished talking, he sent a text message saying, "I just wanted to say goodnight." This freaked me out, so I blocked him online Friday, Feb. 20, 2009 and ignored his messages. It worked for several months. Recently he e-mailed wondering if I was OK and saying that he Summary Judgment: This Weekend's New Flicks—From was looking forward to seeing me at a certain school event that I Prada to Prison will be required to attend. I didn't respond, but now I'm terrified Mark Jordan Legan sums up the latest film reviews: 11 Minutes to see him. Do you think I'm being paranoid? How do I avoid is a documentary that follows the first winner of the television him at this event? show Project Runway; Tyler Perry's latest is Madea Goes to Jail; And Fired Up! is a teen sex romp set at cheerleading camp. —Leave Me Alone, Listen to the segment. Dear Leave Me, Thursday, Feb. 19, 2009 There is something insidious about this guy's behavior, and your internal alarm system is smart to keep warning that you need to Holder's Black History Speech Makes Waves get him out of your life. If he had been the kind of lout who Attorney General Eric Holder, the first African-American to simply came on to you, you could have brushed him off, and hold the post, delivered a fiery speech at the Justice Department he'd have moved on to other targets. But he has a creepy mind to mark Black History Month. Dahlia Lithwick discusses the game going, in which he buzzes around you, apparently latest from the Justice Department with Alex Cohen. Listen to fantasizing that you two have a relationship, then professes to the segment. not understand why his interest would make you uncomfortable. Cue the staccato, squealing violin music. Although laws vary from state to state, this guy is harassing you, and you need to Real Folks' Oscar Picks Never mind what the results of Sunday's Oscars celebration create a record that you have unequivocally told him to cease might turn out to be. Mark Jordan Legan spoke to real-life contact. Collect all the evidence of his communications that you moviegoers about their favorites to take home the statuettes. still have. Reply to his e-mail by stating that he is not to Listen to the segment. communicate with you in any form. Say any further contact from him will be harassment, and you will take the appropriate action with the authorities. Then go to your event with a friend, ignore the creep, and try to have a good time. If he approaches you, just repeat calmly and quietly, "I've told you to leave me alone" and walk away. If you hear any more from him, the next step is the dear prudence police. This is also something you should tell your parents—you The Fixated Fiance need people to talk to about this, and they might want to look He's engaged to an acquaintance of mine, but the persistent creep won't let into getting a lawyer if you keep getting contacted. You have me be. resisted the temptation to tell your acquaintance about the lunatic Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 6:43 AM ET she is planning to marry. Let's hope someone clues her in, but it

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 14/116 shouldn't be you. You don't want to do anything that would get misunderstanding, and I don't know what to think of his behavior you further involved in this jerk's real or imagined romantic life. toward me for my honest mistake. I don't know or care who sent the flowers, and when I found out they were not from my —Prudie boyfriend, I threw them in the garbage. How should I have handled this situation to avoid him being annoyed with me? Dear Prudie: I am a female involved in a four-year-long polyamorous —Bloomless relationship with a married couple. We are all happy and love one another very much. They have invited me to move into their Dear Bloomless, home, and I would like to. The problem is that their two teenage Maybe you need to look at whether you have a special attraction children are beyond angry with the relationship. Even though for forlorn guys with emotional problems. If your ex sent you they are not losing anything as a result of the relationship, they the flowers (and I'd call the florist who delivered them to solve blame me for breaking the family apart and are very rude to me this mystery), then that is pathetic. Even more pathetic is your and their parents as a result. We don't want to break up to beau's hostility and anger toward you for assuming the flowers appease their children, who will be out of the house and on their were from him. Sure, it's understandable he was taken aback, but own soon enough. But I can't imagine putting myself in the he should have called or texted you immediately to say he didn't middle of such an uncomfortable living situation. Any send them. Even if he felt jealous, your reassurance should have suggestions for getting these teens to learn to accept me and the assuaged him, and you both should have been able to laugh off relationship? your admirer. Instead, he sulked all day and canceled his own gift to you. (Another dozen roses? A trip to the moon on —Three Is Not a Crowd gossamer wings?) Sure, the problem is compounded by your distance—all you've got is tone of voice when a hug or a kiss might better relieve the tension. But you've got to realize the Dear Three, Teenagers are just impossible these days. Mom and Dad go out issue is not how you should have handled this to keep him from being annoyed with you. The issue is that you're worried about and get a perfectly nice girlfriend to share, and the kids totally how to handle someone who's being emotionally punitive over destroy the great erotic vibe you've all got going with their something that's not your fault. Stop apologizing, and tell him insolent remarks like, "Ewww, gross!" and "Why can't you be you both had your Valentine's Day ruined, and you're wondering normal like other parents and just get a divorce or something?" They sound like complete downers who don't even understand how you two now clear the air and move on. the stimulating couplings and triplings that could take place when they have their friends sleep over (before the friends' —Prudie parents hear about this, and all of you end up explaining polyamory to social services). It's too bad these rotten kids don't Dear Prudence, understand that their parents' need to fulfill their sexual appetites My partner of two and a half years bought a set of clippers when takes precedence over providing them a stable home. But since he started growing an experimental beard. He used the clippers the teenagers are doing nothing but making life unpleasant for two or three times to trim his beard, but now he's shaved it off your happy threesome, my only suggestion for you is to find a completely and has no need for the device anymore. It cost about couple who had the good judgment not to have children and $25, and the purchase was made roughly a month ago. He wants leave this family alone. to return the device to the store and get a refund. I checked the return policy, and it says that all returns must be new and —Prudie unused. I told him that returning it would be immoral. He says if the store is willing to take it back, then it's perfectly fine to return it. I find the fact that he would even consider returning Dear Prudence, this razor shocking and disgusting. I told him if he insists on I received a beautiful bouquet of roses at work on Valentine's Day. Although the card was not signed, I immediately text- returning the razor, I would buy it from him. Then we had a stupid fight about the whole thing. Can you settle this? messaged my long-distance boyfriend and thanked him for the flowers. But during our nightly phone call, he informed me that he was not the sender. Flabbergasted, I reassured my annoyed —Grossed Out boyfriend that there was no one else who I could imagine sending me flowers, except possibly my forlorn ex-spouse, Dear Grossed, whom I divorced several months ago. My boyfriend was so Perhaps your partner was motivated by a previous success upset that he stated his own Valentine's surprise for me was getting a refund on a half tube of athlete's foot cream when his "ruined," and I did not receive anything from him. Although I fungus cleared up. Basic good manners and the compact apologized for assuming the flowers were from him, our between merchant and customer dictate that one can't return a conversations now feel strained because of this used personal care product just because the cause for which it

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 15/116 was purchased is no longer extant. The nicest thing to do would searching for relatives generally did not know to which place be to clean it with alcohol and see if a local shelter would like it. their loved one had been deported." He could also put it on eBay—although he'll have to compete with the other men who think there's a market for used beard Jost has his patter down; he has begun to morph from chief clippers. The real problem here is that you are seeing an aspect archivist into tour guide. It's a transition he never anticipated. of your partner you find more unattractive than his erstwhile beard. But you've expressed your displeasure and disapproval to The International Tracing Service in Bad Arolsen, Germany, no avail. This isn't worth continuing to fight over. Let's hope the was, until late 2007, the largest unopened Holocaust archive in store has the good sense to resolve this by saying, "I'm sorry, Sir, the world. For decades, historians have begged to get inside this simply can't be returned." these doors, the source of years of diplomatic tension between the United States—prodded by the U.S. Holocaust Memorial —Prudie Museum—and our European allies. Toward the end of the last century and the beginning of this one, it became the locus of Photograph of Prudie by Teresa Castracane. hopes of survivors and researchers from all over the world, partly because no one really knew what they would find there. ITS holds some 50 million records. Sheltered in several buildings—once SS barracks—across a wide campus that recalls a New England liberal-arts college, the archives are located in a dispatches small farm village with a large palace, home to the fairy-tale- sounding character Prince Wittekind of Waldeck. (His godfather, Paper Love: Inside the Holocaust staying with the period theme, was Heinrich Himmler.) By Archives mandate, the archives were closed to research and outsiders The end of the journey. beginning in 1955. That's when the myths began. By Sarah Wildman Friday, January 9, 2009, at 7:12 AM ET "Nobody knew exactly what was inside," Volkhard Knigge, director of the Buchenwald concentration camp memorial told me in the summer of 2006, after the international commission controlling the archives finally set a timetable to open ITS at a From: Sarah Wildman Subject: 50 Million Mysteries meeting in Luxembourg. "It became … a place of imaginations, Posted Monday, January 5, 2009, at 2:19 PM ET of fantasies." We spoke by phone, I in Madrid, Spain, and he in Weimar, Germany. "Nobody knows exactly whether we will find—[for example] documents about decision making on the part of perpetrators or administrations of the crimes of the BAD AROLSEN, Germany—Udo Jost, a bearded, portly, Holocaust. This archive became a kind of black box, and it unkempt man with strong smoker's breath, gestures behind him invited people to create ideas about why nobody had access." toward a plate-glass window protecting a sea of library-card Some thought the mystery was Germany's fault, he told me; files. "What you see here is the main key to the International others believed that the administrators were keeping "files Tracing Service," he says, speaking in German and pausing for hidden to let survivors die so that they cannot prove their right translation, though he speaks English nearly fluently. "This is the for financial compensation." Because it was a European rather Central Names Index—CNI—which covers three rooms and than a German archive, some claimed that other nations had includes 50 million references for 17.5 million victims." something to hide—perhaps proof of collaboration. Still others voiced concern that European privacy laws—stricter in many cases than those in the United States—would be violated if the Jost flips open an encyclopedia-heavy tome that explains an files were opened. arcane alphabetic-phonetic formula developed in 1945 for researching Nazi victims' names: In World War II prison camps, names changed from Cyrillic spellings to Germanic, Germanic What, exactly, was in the ITS collections was always a bit to Francophone, Francophone to Polish, depending on who unclear. The basic facts were these: As the Allies crossed wrote down a prisoner's details upon arrival in a work, Europe, liberating concentration and labor camps, cities and concentration, or annihilation camp. In practical terms, that towns, they collected documents left behind by the fleeing means there were 848 ways to spell the name Abramowitz, 156 Nazis, and, over time, these collections were deposited— versions of Schwartz. "ITS was not structured like an archive," sometimes haphazardly, sometimes methodically—in Arolsen. Jost continues. "The task was searching for victims and Biographical cards from displaced persons camps ended up here, clarifying their fate. That's why the documents could not be as did millions of files on forced labor, concentration camp structured according to geographic or national criteria. Families inmates, Nuremberg, Nazi activity, and gruesome medical experiments—along with correspondence between Nazi officers,

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 16/116 files on the dead, transport lists, sick lists, crime lists, and so on. worked in "concentration camp archives," the "displaced persons The material covers political prisoners from across Europe, files," or the "TD files"—tracing and documentation—and vice deported Jews, the millions of forced laborers from across versa. Almost nothing was digitized. Europe, and displaced persons—Jews who had survived the ghettos and camps as well as Eastern Europeans in flight from In 1989, when the Iron Curtain fell, hundreds of thousands of the Red Army. There are also post- and prewar photos and new demands for information came pouring in, and a backlog of "personal effects"—rings, watches, photos—taken from around 500,000 requests piled up. The wait for information prisoners. There are reams of postwar documents that follow the began to stretch out over years; victims were dying before they paths survivors took after the war found the information they sought on themselves—to receive long-overdue restitution payments—or their loved ones. Some Efforts to trace the lost were run by a succession of international survivors had never discovered the fate of siblings, parents, or aid organizations including the U.N. Relief and Rehabilitation spouses. Angry families and survivor organizations agitated for Administration and the International Refugee Organization. By the archives to be opened to public scrutiny. the end of the war, the files at Arolsen were regularly used to answer queries regarding the millions of Europeans wandering In 2001, representatives of the U. S. Holocaust Memorial the continent as well as about the millions of dead. Requests Museum requested access to the files. They were denied. And came in from every country touched by the war and, of course, then they began an intensive campaign to get inside—and to from Jews. In 1948, the archives at Bad Arolsen became known bring the files to Washington. as the International Tracing Service; seven years later, the management of the files was taken over by the International Three years later, after I wrote a story on three slave-labor camps Committee of the Red Cross under what became known as the in the heart of Paris for the Jerusalem Report, I was invited to an Bonn Accords. "on background" meeting with a handful of officials at USHMM. Could I write about the archives? they wondered. The Bonn Accords mandated that the ICRC—considered an Perhaps it would put pressure on the 11 governments to change impartial institution—would control the files in Arolsen and that the Bonn Accords and open the archives to researchers and West Germany would be responsible for funding its operation. modernization in time for survivors to see their files. Magazines The holdings there were only to be used to trace survivors and hesitated to commit to an in-depth piece on an archive that I victims—and to help families seeking restitution from the West wasn't allowed to see. German government. To alter that decree, 11 countries— Belgium, Britain, France, Germany, Greece, Israel, Italy, And yet like many without access to Bad Arolsen, I couldn't Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Poland, and the United States— forget the archives. would have to agree unanimously to open the doors. Israeli officials from Yad Vashem, the Israeli Holocaust memorial center, slipped in before the deadline to microfilm deportation Half the academics I spoke to were reverential about what they lists from several concentration camps, but after that, the files believed was hidden at Bad Arolsen; the other half thought the were specifically designated to serve only those seeking family myths were just that—trumped-up stories and rumors. Those information or postwar victimization compensation. Under West obsessed with the archives were just as fascinating as the Germany's indemnity laws, victims had the right to pursue archives themselves: What exactly were people hoping to find? economic grievances against the German government for everything from being forced to wear the yellow star to death in After the commission's 2006 meeting in Luxembourg, it took a concentration camp. To obtain compensation, they had to two more years for the archives to open their doors. In the somehow provide evidence of their experience—and a meantime, I began to petition the USHMM to allow me to documentation file from ITS could do just that. accompany them to Bad Arolsen along with the first group of scholars selected to start research there—a trip eventually slated In the 1960s, ITS puttered along. But eventually the archive for the summer of 2008. began to falter at its only task—tracing victims. Some say the biggest problems began with the arrival of Charles-Claude I had another, more personal, reason to travel to Bad Arolsen. Biedermann, a Red Cross official appointed to take over ITS in 1985, who ruled the barracks at Arolsen like a fiefdom. He hired After we packed up my grandparents' house in northwest only local farm kids—who, for the most part, didn't speak Massachusetts upon my grandmother's death, I came across a foreign languages—to staff the more than 300 stations inside the box of letters marked "Patients' Correspondence." My archives; they became (and remain) curiously specific experts in grandfather had been a family physician in the United States parceled areas of research—deportations to the extermination after he fled Nazi-occupied Vienna. But inside the box I camps, say, or displaced persons. Biedermann encouraged those discovered not only letters from his patients in New York and who worked in "general documents" not to speak to those who Massachusetts but dozens upon dozens of letters from family

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 17/116 and friends in Vienna, Berlin, Lyon, and Shanghai—all begging them around. The letters from Shanghai begin in 1939 and my grandfather, who had safely made it out, to cast the lifeline continue through 1948. A handful of crumbling pages mark the back and bring them over as well. About 50 of the collection last days of cousins in Vienna; they, too, curse Karl and his were love letters. They were not from my grandmother. Written mother for abandoning them. by a woman named Valerie Scheftel, the letters were baldly needy: She was desperately in love with my grandfather, and she But it was Valerie—Valy—who haunted me. Beginning in was trapped in Berlin. December 1939, she promises to write weekly, and she does, in an emotionally messy, often banal, flood of innocence and pain, through the end of 1941, when America enters the war. In her first message, she explains that she has moved herself and her mother to Berlin from Troppau (now called Opava), a small, Austro-Hungarian town that became part of Czechoslovakia From: Sarah Wildman after World War I and had been "reclaimed" by Hitler prior to Subject: Letters From a Lost Love Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at 10:03 AM ET World War II under the Munich Agreement. Her mother runs a Jewish old-age home in Potsdam. Valy eventually works for the Reichsvereinigung, the Jewish council controlled by the Nazis that kept a firm lock on Jewish life in Nazi Germany. She is employed, variously, as a nurse, an aide, a teacher. According to PITTSFIELD, Mass.—The box of letters from my grandfather the Yad Vashem archives, Valy was deported to Auschwitz on Karl was a revelation. Jan. 29, 1943. But how she survived until that point—and what happened after—was a mystery. At Karl's funeral, my father's eulogy began with the words of French Gen. Ferdinand Foch: "Hard pressed on my right. My It wasn't the first time I had heard of Valy. Before my center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I grandmother died, I found a few photo-booth snaps of a girl and attack." This was my grandfather—everything, regardless of a short letter begging for news. I took them to my grandmother reality, was always "wonderful." True story: Lacking the correct and asked who the girl was. "Your grandfather's true love," she papers, fleeing Austria, my grandfather arrived in Hamburg, spat. I called Celia Feldschuh, my grandfather's sister, about her. Germany, to board a ship armed only with a set of lies. As his Celia told me that Valy was "brilliant" and that she had studied sister and mother huddled anxiously at the port, my grandfather medicine with my grandfather at the University of Vienna. She'd struck off to see the city. "Who knows when I'll next get the spent the 1930s in love with him; he finally noticed her close to chance to see Hamburg?" he is said to have said. His flight from graduation and followed her to Troppau, where they became Vienna—age 26, a year after graduating from medical school at lovers. It was all very breathless, very End of the Affair. the University of Vienna and six months after the anschluss, when all the Jewish students were expelled from that institution—was nothing short of remarkable and complete with In the letters, it is clear that Valy is endlessly holding her a happily-ever-after ending: Everyone in the family got out by breath—"The letters are all about waiting, waiting for an answer sheer luck and lies. But the correspondence I found insisted and never knowing whether your grandfather is just not otherwise. answering or if he doesn't receive her letters," one German friend wrote me after I e-mailed her a few scanned samples. "Dear Karl, I heard you married. And you have a boy," begins a damning missive dated September 1946. The boy is my father. What's breathtaking (for me) is that mixed "Since you left, I never heard from you. You never got the idea dependence, she's in love and she needs his to ask us what happened with your relatives?" It is my help to get out of Germany ... actually [it's] grandfather's niece Lotte, writing from Lyon. She doesn't explain awful. At the same time I don't like her tone, how she got from Vienna to France. "We had to sacrifice much. she calls him "mein Junge"—"my boy," which Our beloved parents died in a concentration camp." Her brother is so motherly and rigid. But she is writing into is dead, as are her son and her husband. Her brother-in-law has a void—pure nothingness—if I'm right, she lost his mind. "I ask you to write to Regina [her sister] and me, scarcely got answers. … It's so ordinary in one because then we won't feel so alone in the world." sense (love and deception) and so cruel.

There are letters in Yiddish and Polish and German and Hebrew Valy writes that she is waiting to be taken off a two-year quota and one, blissfully, in French. German, unfortunately, is my list to come to America. (This was not unusual: In the 1930s and worst language—slow and painful, it takes me a day to read each early '40s, hundreds of thousands of Europeans were kept from letter, and I fear I'm losing tone. But I'm friendly with enough immigrating to the United States based on nativist immigration native German speakers to be able to scan letters and e-mail restrictions passed in the 1920s.) She lists acquaintances who successfully pulled relatives from Berlin, urging Karl to find

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 18/116 them and learn from their success. She alludes to the spiraling Please get in contact with Uncle Isiu and Dolfi situation in Germany without ever fully disclosing what she Feldschuh in Vienna (we have also written to witnesses. "Darling, I would like to tell you so much of what has them), and please make it possible that we can happened to me—but when I start thinking about how to explain get out at last. Perhaps you could get advice it all, I realize that the whole time is so poor of … positive from Alfred Jospe, financially he cannot help experience. … I feel like I am sleeping with my eyes open, you but he might have good advice. He is almost as though I'm in hibernation; in an eternal waiting for trying to get a group of his relatives out … you," she writes in mid-1941. By this point, she would have been wearing the yellow star and forbidden from riding public Germany closed its doors to legal immigration for Jews on Oct. transportation. 23, 1941. Any seats Valy secured after that date were lost. Yet in her final letters, she continues to plead for visas—to Cuba, to "You once told me," she writes in another letter, "that I should anywhere. She writes that she may soon have to work in a not sacrifice the present for the phantom of the future"—this is factory. I wonder whether Bad Arolsen will have her on a exactly the way my grandfather spoke—"but that makes me factory list, or whether it will have more information than Yad terribly sad, because I live nearly without present. Only from the Vashem has provided, or what else I might find there. Could she past and for the future." have survived?

"He doesn't love her," my friend Uli, a sociology professor in Jena, near Weimar, told me when I arrived in Germany in June. "But nor does she love him anymore. I am totally sure. She is struggling for life." We were on a train from Kassel—which, despite the castle for which it is named, is known most for its From: Sarah Wildman ugly postwar-industrial downtown where Uli lives with Urte, a Subject: What Is the Point of an Archive? scholar in German feminist literature—to Marburg, a medieval Posted Wednesday, January 7, 2009, at 7:10 AM ET university town not far from Bad Arolsen. "She desperately seeks commitment from him. I think it's commitment to survive, to make her and her mother survive." BERLIN—Aubrey Pomerance is a permanent expat. A In a telegram dated February 1941, Valy demands that my Canadian, he has lived in Germany for 25 years—seven of those grandfather send a second affidavit—promising the U.S. as the chief archivist at the Jewish Museum Berlin, the Daniel government that she would not be a financial burden—to get her Libeskind architectural marvel in the center of the city. out of Germany. Three months later, she writes again—after first Pomerance urges me to consider donating Valy's letters to the telling him she "met someone" but couldn't go through with it. museum. When I mention that her story is frustratingly incomplete, he waves a hand. "Be careful when you say The concrete intention of my letter today is our incomplete," he says. "There is no collection that documents a immigration. … In the last few days we person's life from moment of birth to moment of death. But you received a new affidavit. … Hopefully it will can cull a lot of information from one single document." It is be enough for both of us. Because I very much also very useful, I am discovering, to show them to readers who hope that mama and I can emigrate together. are particularly well-versed in women of the period and who But now there is another, extremely important know Berlin. question, regarding the passage to America. It is imperative that we are reserved—from the At the time I met him, Pomerance had already been to the U.S.—two seats on a specific ship and for a archives in Bad Arolsen once, but on a very focused tour with no specific time … opportunity to explore on his own.

The most important thing is two designated, "Up until now, it has served the purpose of what its title is—the secure seats. … From here it is hard for me to International Tracing Service—in other words, finding out know which ship companies might be best. fates," Pomerance says, by way of introduction. He is very thin I've heard that the American company is sold and never lost his Canadian "yeahs" and "abouts." He is balding; out until February 1942. On the Spanish the hair left may once have been a vibrant red, but it has faded Portuguese line there might be some seats into a very, very slight shade of strawberry. He is nearly paler from September on. But I am not sure if this is than white, and he is wearing a pale blue shirt, as though he is certain. Should there be a chance, a possibility, attempting to blend into the fading bits of paper he works with. to go via Sweden, I think this would be the "Descendents were left without really knowing exactly how or best. But it is said to be rather expensive. where their relatives died. People need a sense of finality, and

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 19/116 that's what the ITS has been offering people—family collection of wartime documents she is helping to compile—her members—for decades." And yet he cautions me about how I hope is to use the voices of victims to humanize the stiff should present what some historians believed was a crisis of bureaucratic decrees that bloodlessly lay out, day after day, the bureaucracy that kept the ITS collections closed to public orders to persecute and separate Jews from German society. She scrutiny. "This is not a German institution. I think it's important reads a few of my photocopies as we eat our waffles. They are you underline that," he says, referring to the 11 countries that fairly typical, she says, looking for visas, affidavits, for exit controlled the keys. "This is a shared responsibility." doors. But she also wonders how my grandfather handled the demands of dozens of cousins and friends, desperate and angry Pomerance mentions that he was shown a book in Arolsen that I that he got out and they didn't? We talk about the moral might see there, too; it documents the number of lice on the ambiguities of the period: What did my grandfather owe these heads of individual prisoners. "When you see those documents," cousins and friends? Why didn't he take Valy with him? In the he says, "You think, 'My goodness, there are people counting the box of letters, I found receipts that showed my grandfather was number of lice on inmates' heads. It's part of the whole, greater in the process of paying down loans from national refugee picture. It kind of adds to the incomprehensibility of it all.' " committees in amounts so low he couldn't possibly have had any Even such a small mention in this type of file was enough to extra cash to send abroad. He was quite poor in Vienna to begin secure for a former prisoner the postwar indemnity payments he with—and, like many refugees, he arrived with barely enough to or she was eligible for after the war. Or it might simply be the start his own life. only evidence that a person lived at all. It's June in Berlin, and the city is blooming, warm and inviting "It is incredible what still can, all of a sudden, be discovered," he and hip and cool. I'm eager to get going. I want to ask people remarks, musing on the discovery, eight years ago, by the Jewish about who Valy might have been and what she might have community of Vienna, of a trove of files documenting the experienced. But I also want to know what the popular—and wartime history of the community and the wealth of information academic—expectations are for the Bad Arolsen ITS archives. I that has become available to researchers on the Internet. (On the want to know, so to speak, whether there is anything in that bag Web site of the Documentation Center of Austrian Resistance, for me. for example, I found the Gestapo mug shots for my cousin Chaja Wildmann and her husband.) Before I get to Arolsen, I have two stops to make. The first is to Wolfgang Benz, director of the Center for Research on Anti- But nearly 70 years on, many believe that there are few "new" Semitism, deep in former West Berlin. He was born in 1941, and Holocaust discoveries to be found at Arolsen. Revelations, if when he is asked why he is a Holocaust historian, he parries with they can be called that, are more likely to be of the kind I have "Why do you use a pencil?" He is a pessimist, at best, about the made in my parents' basement, in the words of the victims public potential for ITS. He believes it is much ballyhoo about preserved for seven decades, the pleas for help. There is great nothing—stirred up largely by misinformed Americans. "This interest in the large body of letters, relatively intact, written by was the campaign," he says, running his hands through wildly Jews trapped in Europe to those outside. Though Valy's letters unkempt white hair. "The greatest archives of the Holocaust!" were all opened by official "readers," there are ways to parse the He makes his voice deep and mean, "And the Germans! The lines to hear what she's really experiencing. They are not Germans! They will not show us! Terrible! Terrible! You must! dissimilar to the pleas of Otto Frank, Anne's father, discovered at It's garbage." He slumps back in his chair. The archives are just the YIVO Institute in Manhattan two years ago, begging for "lists," he tells me. Names and camps. It's good primarily—if not immigration aid from relatives abroad throughout 1941. entirely—for archivists or historians. And for restitution cases. The only "scandal" of Arolsen, he says, is when the "82-year-old The night before I interview Pomerance, I meet with Dr. Andrea Ukrainian man" asks for compensation for being a forced laborer, and the archive staff is not fast enough with information Löw from the Institute of Contemporary History at a trendy little to ensure he receives payment in his lifetime. Benz warns me waffle shop in the Prenzlauer Berg quarter of what was formerly that there was no way Valy survived her deportation. "January East Berlin. She is 34, and she is the first person I tell that I am pregnant. I blurt it out, perhaps because we are surrounded, 1943?" He shudders. It was a terrible month—and year—to be crushed in, by baby carriages; perhaps because she is only a year deported. Still, "these archives are not of interest. Archives are dusty rooms for historians," he sighs. "What is the importance of older than me; and perhaps because, as always when I start on a an archive?" Holocaust project, I feel very conscious of my own Jewishness. I tell her I am growing a little Jew. I'm not sure she finds this amusing. The next morning, I board a slick Intercity-Express train for Weimar and then take a bus down what was once nicknamed the "Blood Road," to Buchenwald, the concentration camp 20 For Andrea's work, Valy's letters are just as important as any minutes outside the city of Goethe. I am visiting Volkhard lists or new information she might come across at ITS. She Knigge, director of the camp memorial. We'd spoken by phone thinks she might be able to include a few in a multivolume

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 20/116 some years before, and I was curious whether the opening of the and tangible materials to understand people who existed and doors at the International Tracing Service had changed the were extinguished. permanent exhibition or the future direction of the sprawling memorial. A number of Holocaust scholars believe that ITS's I am eager to get there. At my request, the ITS has already great purpose will be to help create sites of memory, geographic pulled Valy's files as well as the files of a few cousins. I will find locations that mark and explain where the Holocaust took place, them on arrival. especially now that the eyewitnesses are dying. There are hundreds of small former camp sites and sub-Kommandos (divisions of larger concentration camps) scattered across Germany and Poland. The material on the victims who passed through—and died—in these almost-forgotten locations is probably most complete at the archives in Bad Arolsen. From: Sarah Wildman Subject: Thousands of Cardboard Boxes Knigge is dressed like an art-gallery owner—black jacket, black Updated Thursday, January 8, 2009, at 7:02 AM ET button-down shirt, black jeans, white hair. He teaches cultural studies and the history of memory in Jena. His wife, he tells me later as he drives me back to the train station, is an Israeli artist. Knigge rejects the idea that there is nothing at ITS. "There is BAD AROLSEN, Germany—For most of the hourlong journey, material from all the camps," he says, as well as DP camp I was the only person on the train from Kassel to Bad Arolsen. It material and all the postwar trial materials. Before this year, he was, for all intents and purposes, a milk train, but since this is says, "more than 90 percent of the Buchenwald records were in Germany, it was souped-up and sleek with a bullet nose. The Bad Arolsen. We could see meters and meters and meters [of train conductor and I passed through bucolic villages, miles of documents], but we didn't have the right to look in. As farmland, rolling hills, everything short of shepherds in historians, we had to find our ways to do research without lederhosen. I had spent the night before at the home of two Arolsen. … Most of the documents collected were personal academic friends—Uli and Urte—in Kassel. During World War documents. But we now have much more precise information II, as with most farming families who sent a man off to the front, about camp inmates, about transports." the Reich gave Urte's family a forced laborer, a Russian, probably a POW from the Eastern Front, who was forbidden to One way around the ITS stonewalling was to go to Yad Vashem, socialize with the family. Years ago, Urte came across a photo of the Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem. All Buchenwald's Jewish her grandmother's first husband (killed at the front) with the SS files were there as well, copies of the Bad Arolsen holdings symbol on his collar scratched out. taken as mimeographs in the early 1950s, before the ITS archives were closed. And yet Buchenwald's history is hardly Here is what it feels like upon entering the archives at Bad just a Jewish one—the majority of prisoners were not Jewish. Arolsen: like a Steven Spielberg movie about an American lawyer of the 1950s, desperately searching for information on an Yet now that he's had a look inside, Knigge cautions that escaped Nazi but with no computers, no modern technology, opening ITS doesn't mean rewriting the history of the Holocaust. nothing but boxes and paper. It's like that scene at the end of the Rather, "it is a bit like completing a mosaic: You had some first Indiana Jones movie with the Ark of the Covenant tucked stones before; now you have many more, and the picture away in a warehouse. There might be treasures here, amid a sea becomes much more clear." He thinks there is more there for of 65-year-old cardboard, but who would know? laypeople than Benz believes. "For survivor families, we can reconstruct much more precisely, with much more detail, the To be fair, digitization is happening, slowly; 6.7 million biographies of prisoners. And we know much more [about] how documents on forced labor in the Third Reich were scanned this the concentration camps worked together; we know much more summer. But in the general documents alone—that means not about transports." the concentration camp rooms, nor the entire building devoted to files of displaced persons, nor the former schools that house the He also has an answer to Benz's rhetorical question about the tracing and documentation files—there are 1,786 cardboard importance of archives. "I think archives are kind of … living boxes filled with, among other things, documents on Heinrich monuments. They are more important than monuments. A Himmler's Lebensborn experiment (the quest to populate Europe monument is just a monument, a symbol. But an archive is an with Aryan children using wombs from Germany to Norway and original authentic expression of what happened in history. It is, to kidnap children with Aryan features from Eastern Europe for in a way, living history." He is very earnest, despite his generally adoption in the Reich), medical experiments, persecution outside dry demeanor. "It is something like a bridge to the past." He sees of Germany, maps, court cases, letters between members of the Arolsen as an important pedagogical tool—giving students new SS, the institutional history of the tracing service, mass graves, and exhumations.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 21/116 There are more than 16 miles of files, with faded, neatly Documentation Center for the History of National Socialism, typewritten labels. Book after book of death lists, held together and Meister will head back to Geneva. with string. Typed documents explaining how, exactly, to turn a van into a murderous gas van. An entire maze of rooms devoted For its part, the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum brought 16 to millions of arbeitsbücher—little green books that document scholars from around the world to Bad Arolsen for 10 days in each forced laborer's time. The tracing and documentation files, June to take a core sample of the holdings and make which exist only in hard copy, are found a short drive off recommendations for how to proceed. On my first day, I joined campus, in a former NATO driving school: dusty rooms filled the scholars on a field trip to the Bergen-Belsen concentration with metal shelves stacked with loose reams of paper, piled in camp, a three-hour bus ride through that glorious countryside, to chronological order. Room after room with 1,000 files per shelf. a modern cement block museum detailing the fate of prisoners About 3 million requests for information, 62 years of desperate and fields of mass graves that now look like nothing more than pleas to find family members. "Unsolved," they are stamped; or empty, grassy knolls. "Auschwitz, no further information." Jean-Marc Dreyfus, a Parisian academic now teaching at the "When I am falling victim to routine," Udo Jost, the chief University of Manchester in England, told me on the drive that archivist, told me, "I take out folders to read, and then I am Marlene Dietrich's sister had lived in the town of Bergen. When angry again. I need this furiousness to be committed." He drags the actress toured Germany after the war, her sister revealed that on his cigarette. One year, the federal archive of Germany she had run a movie theater for the SS guards of the camp. requested that Bad Arolsen begin microfilming and then Marlene never spoke to her again. destroying the original records. Jost lost his temper. "I say no! These are victims! They lost their names! They were given Dreyfus is the reason I'm in Arolsen to begin with—it was his numbers! And in a few years, there will be no survivors, and work on the Paris camps that I wrote about in 2004—and it was then the victims will only be numbers!" Dreyfus who told me that the Holocaust museum was organizing scholars to come to Arolsen. "We need a very detailed Jost has been at Arolsen since 1984. In December 2006, inventory," he says of the archives. "For the moment, we don't recognizing that the ITS situation had become a crisis, the know exactly what's new." He urges me to be cautious in my International Committee of the Red Cross brought in one of its presentation of what the press labeled a scandal. "We don't know most decorated crisis-management stars, a Swiss man named what was already available," he says, meaning what existed as Reto Meister, to replace the longtime director of ITS. Unlike copies in the archives of member countries. He continues, Charles-Claude Biedermann, who spent two decades at the helm "There are probably treasures, but they have to be catalogued or in Arolsen, Meister has never lived anywhere for very long. His inventoried." One of the problems with simply copying the career began in Baghdad in the early 1980s; it took him to material and sending it to institutions around the world, a Lebanon, El Salvador, Colombia, Israel, Angola, Sri Lanka—all proposal that has been floated by survivor organizations, is that during conflict. He was central to the ICRC's response to the the organization of ITS was so specific to its task—tracing 2004 tsunami. A negotiator by career and a linguist by training, individuals rather than looking at group history—that the Meister's appointment was acknowledgement from Geneva that material as it is currently assembled is hard for outsiders ITS had failed at its task and in its responsibility to survivors— unfamiliar with the collections to analyze. It is too hodgepodge, and that it had become a diplomatic black mark on the ICRC. too disconnected.

After countless hours of negotiations, over the next few years One of the other USHMM-sponsored scholars is a jocular Aussie many of the documents on file here will be copied and academic (by way of Holland and Germany) named Konrad transferred to the member countries of the international Kwiet. I tell him about my grandfather and Valy, and of my commission. But even this is political—there are battles as to discomfort with my grandfather's inability to save her. "I think which institutions in each country should receive the files. So one should not impose any moral verdicts on behavior," he far, it has been decided that the U.S. Holocaust Memorial cautions. Kwiet's parents split soon after the war ended; they had Museum, Yad Vashem in Jerusalem, and the Institute of stayed together for its duration because such Mischehe or National Remembrance in Warsaw will receive copies, but "mixed" relationships—mother Jewish, father Christian—could where else they should go is a point of contention. The process is save the Jewish half of the couple. Kwiet is here for migration slow going. To help accomplish that task, ICRC hired another analysis—nearly 50 percent of Australia's large Jewish newcomer, Irmtrud Wojak, a well-respected German academic. community descends from survivors. It was her job to begin converting what had been a tracing service into an archive. But it's difficult to keep smart staff in "There are documents here of utmost significance, but it depends Bad Arolsen, which is pretty much the middle of nowhere: On on the questions you ask the document," Kwiet tells me. We are Dec. 18, 2008, both Meister and Wojak announced that they sitting in a mediocre cafe across from the archives; I am were stepping down. Wojak took a post at the Munich perpetually hungry reading about starvation. "It's not a holy

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 22/116 grail," he says, "but it will change the direction of research. It's not revolutionary—it's not Hitler's order to kill the Jews. But it From: Sarah Wildman Subject: The End of the Journey will become a place of institutionalized memory." Posted Friday, January 9, 2009, at 7:12 AM ET

And, yes, there are the lists. Jessica Anderson, a Ph.D. candidate at Rutgers and another invitee of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum, is working on a dissertation about "voluntary" BERLIN—More than half of Valy's letters were datelined prostitution in the camps. We were sitting outside the archive's "Bergstrasse 1, Babelsberg, Potsdam." But after the war, as with main entrance, taking in a moment of sun outside the dusty many German streets in both the east and the west, the street aisles of boxes. Using lists of prisoner numbers that she had name changed. I took the regional train from Berlin to Potsdam come across in archives at the Dachau, Buchenwald, and and then hired a cab to take me out to what is now called Neuengamme camps, she was able to find the names of several Spitzweggasse. The villa Valy wrote from at Bergstrasse 1 was dozen—non-Jewish—women forced into prostitution in the torn down after the war. It was located in what is now—and was camps. "You read about the conditions at Ravensbruck, then—a quiet, upscale suburb of large villas, a 10-minute drive thousands of women crammed together, the latrines, it's a from the tourist hubbub that makes historic downtown Potsdam disgusting mess." "Volunteering" to be a prostitute gave a an easy day trip from Berlin. woman more food, real clothes, a place to sleep. At ITS, Jessica is able, for the first time, to begin constructing a real social history of prostitution in the camps. She will argue that During the Nazi regime, Jews were expelled from the German prostitution was itself a form of forced labor. social-welfare system, and in 1940, Bergstrasse 1 became a Jewish infirmary and "almshouse." Valy's mother ran the home, and in her letters Valy writes that she went there to recuperate In the communications office of ITS, there are several files from the various illnesses that plagued her as the decreased waiting for me. There are my grandfather's cousins Manele and rations destroyed her immune system. On Jan. 12, 1943, all the Chaja Wildmann, deported from Vienna in 1941 and killed in Jews of Potsdam were gathered at the infirmary and sent to their Auschwitz and Ravensbruck, respectively. And then there is deaths. Valy. I feel a surge of irrational hope. Instead, I see her deportation date—Jan. 29, 1943, just as Yad Vashem had indicated—and I run upstairs to look for her name on the I read that there was a small memorial on the site. When we transport list. One thousand Jews left Berlin for Auschwitz that arrive, I see the street is a dead end, but the taxi driver and I day; only 10 have death certificates. There is no further evidence were soon joined by a thirtysomething student and a sanitation of Valy's existence. She has no camp number. This means she worker, both of whom tell me that "if it's about Jews, it's long could have died in transit, Dreyfus reminds me, or—just as gone." No one quite believes me when I say that the street name gruesomely likely—been gassed on arrival. This was one of the was changed or that there was an infirmary here. But the driver, last transits before the liquidation of the entire above-ground interested, perhaps, in someone willing to let his meter run, Berlin Jewish community, a series of deportations that began in remembers that, peculiarly, he has a 1928 map of the city in his February 1943 known as the Fabrikaktion, or factory action, car, and with it, we confirm that this was, indeed, once because the Jews were swept from their factory jobs onto the Bergstrasse. With this odd stroke of luck, I am vindicated. In the trains. As for Valy, I know nothing more than I did before I end, it is the sanitation worker who finds the plaque, rusting and arrived in Arolsen. covered in lichen, in the ground. I added a stone to a small collection on top, and all the men went away feeling good that they had helped this strange American find this strange Except that there are several other files connected with Valy's. Denkmal, or monument. And because the number assigned to an individual's file remains the same from the first request until the last, I see that in 1956 a woman named Charlotte Ilse Mayer, nee Fabisch, requested Despite my disappointment with my personal discoveries at the information on Valy. That's because Valy appears to have International Tracing Service at Bad Arolsen, I keep thinking married a man named Hans Fabisch—Charlotte's brother—in the back to Volkhard Knigge's comment that the ITS archives are a last year of her life. He was 10 years her junior. The files give kind of living memorial, a breathing, endless loop of me a last-known address for them both and lists their crime— representation, a witness of the individuals lost, forgotten, or Jewishness. Kwiet assures me there must be a restitution file, displaced by the war. And of their relatives who wrote for issued on behalf of Hans' sister, requesting an indemnity decades—and, like me, are still writing. Open any door, any box payment for their deaths—and for this I must go back to Berlin. in Bad Arolsen, and you'll find a macabre treasure—from the unjust (Ivan Demjanjuk's files that allowed him to escape to the United States as a refugee, despite having served as a prison camp guard) to the merely depressing—for example, the desperate letters of a French mother who wrote for a decade, begging the Red Cross to find her son. And then there are the

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 23/116 casually racist: In one file concerning orphaned children, the I think Deutschkron is wrong. American Jews, and Americans in U.N. Relief and Rehabilitation Administration headquarters general, have always—in our perennial, frustrating optimism— warns the directors of the British-occupied zone about 1,000 focused far more on the exceptional stories, the survivors, rather minor-aged concentration-camp survivors to whom her majesty's than the norm: the dead. Part of what makes Valy's story so sad government has agreed to provide safe haven. "A high is its quiet normalness, like the lives most of us lead. She was percentage of the children are Jewish," the author writes. "We erased by a system set up to do exactly that: to erase her. Finding want to be sure this is understood by the British government." her letters is like running one of those magic pens over invisible ink—some of it comes back into view. Berlin's Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe just down the street from the Brandenburg Gate is a sea of smooth steles made Among my grandfather's papers, there is only one response from from concrete. It's massive and thoughtful, but I was more him, a draft of a letter he wrote to Valy in September 1941. "You impressed by smaller memorials across Germany, the could write a book," he tells her, "that begins, 'I want to report Stolpersteine—literally "stumbling blocks"—a 14-year-old about a generation that has been destroyed by war, even if it project of brass cobblestones hewn by Gunter Demnig, an artist could escape its cannons.' " But Valy didn't escape. based in Cologne, that are laid in the ground in front of houses to mark those deported from address after address. I found it The Reichsvereinigung couldn't save its own workers. On one enormously moving to leave a hip new noodle shop in the Mitte brutal day in October 1942, leaders of the Reichsvereinigung district and look down to see "Hier Wohnte … "—"Here lived were told to assemble staff in the building of the synagogue on …" Oranienburger Strasse. Once inside, they were told to select 500 lower-level workers who were no longer "necessary" for work. There are no stolpersteine in front of 43 Brandenburgische "There was a terrible scene," Beate Meyer, an expert in the Strasse, the last Berlin address for Valy and Hans, her young Reichsvereinigung, told me when I visited her at the Institute for husband, that I found in Bad Arolsen. But working with the the History of German Jews in Hamburg. "The head of the social landesarchive, the state archives, I confirm that No. 43 was a welfare department," the woman who likely employed Valy, Judenhaus—the forced segregated housing that Jews were forced "had a nervous breakdown saying, 'Take me, take me, but not into in nearly every German city beginning in 1940. Fifty-four my staff!' And others refused [to choose]." Two days later, the Jews were deported from Valy's building; 765 from her street. Gestapo declared that for every person selected for deportation who tried to escape, one higher-ranking official would be shot. By late 1941, even before the letters to my grandfather stop, the The Reichsvereinigung members themselves went to flush out deportations from Berlin and other German cities had begun. those who had evaded the edict.

Valy probably understood that work considered important to the I had submitted applications to the Landesarchive and the Berlin Reich would save a person faster than average factory work. So indemnity offices, where the files on deported Jews who sought when she writes that she has lost job after job, this is a way of (or whose family members sought) postwar payments for their realizing that the walls are closing in. She teaches for a time in suffering were kept, hoping to receive information about Valy the Jewish Kindergartenseminar. When I tell that to Gudrun and her husband—and the restitution cases opened in their Maierhof, who wrote her Ph.D. dissertation on the women of the names in the 1950s and '60s. All victims filled out detailed Reichsvereinigung, the Jewish Council that controlled Jewish property files so that the Nazis would be sure to loot everything life in German cities during the Nazi era, she urges me to contact that they had owned after deportation. Some of the information Inge Deutschkron, a local survivor who is a bit of a celebrity arrived long after I left Germany. because of her work with schoolchildren and her postwar writing. She survived partly through the good deeds of a small- In October 1942, Valy and Hans were declared enemies of the time Oskar Schindler named Otto Weidt (a man who deserves an state. Living in one room, they list practically nothing as article of his own). possessions—two chairs, one bookshelf—but I'm struck by two items declared in her handwriting, things she had dragged from Deutschkron spent a year studying at the school where Valy home to home for years: a red velvet couch and 50 books. All taught, but she tells me she doesn't remember Valy's name—or those books! Preserving her intellectual identity, I imagined, was her face. She hates Americans, I quickly discover, and American a way of preserving her dignity. Jews in particular: She thinks Americans don't care about survivors, only the dead. Maybe it's the pregnancy, but much to There were nearly three months between Valy being declared an her annoyance, I end up crying in her apartment, which is, enemy of the state and her deportation. I don't know what coincidentally, a block from Valy's in the Berlin neighborhood happened during that time, though I talked to dozens of of Wilmersdorf. academics about why a person would—or would not—have gone into hiding.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 24/116 Toward the end of my stay in Berlin, I took the S-Bahn train to reparations payments, it was necessary to demonstrate one's Grunewald. The station serves the eponymously named pretty victimization—and a file from the International Tracing Service. suburb-within-the city known for its large park. The S-Bahn 7 train rushes through every 10 minutes. But there is a third track, or "Gleis," that is easily overlooked, a macabre version of the magical Track 9 ½ in the Harry Potter series. Descending from the S-Bahn lines, signs indicate Westkreuz, back toward town, or Potsdam, in the other direction, and then there is Gleis 17. Ascending the stairs for 17, there are two long metal lanes, and a sidebar track that looks, at first, no different from any other. But the platform is cast from iron, and every two feet is a date, a Return to article number, and a direction. So it looks like this: After the war, first West Germany and later the reunified 12.1.1943/1190 Juden/Berlin-Auschwitz. German government issued payments to victims of Nazi 12.1.1943 /100 Juden/ Berlin-Theresienstadt. persecution. For Jews, payment could be issued for suffering of 13.1.1943/ 100 /Juden./ Berlin-Theresienstadt. all levels, from wearing the yellow star and internment in a ghetto, to deportation to a concentration camp, to death. But It covers every deportation, lists the numbers and days on which Nazi victims were also non-Jewish: forced laborers (from each of the 55,000 Jews deported from Berlin were sent away Eastern as well as Western European countries) in factories and from this very spot. More Jews left from Grunewald than from on farms, slave laborers in concentration camps, political all of Belgium. prisoners, gay men and lesbians, and those who experienced the horror of the Nazi medical-experimentation projects. The indemnity payments began soon after the war ended, and they On Jan. 29, 1943—the day of Valy's deportation, 1,000 Jews have been revised and expanded again and again well into this were sent to Auschwitz, 100 to Theresienstadt. The tracks stretch out into the distance, covered with vegetation in places but still century. All share something in common: To receive the totally visible. reparations payments, it was necessary to demonstrate one's victimization—and a file from the International Tracing Service. I was completely alone there, save for the little Jew inside me, and through the trees I watched the S-Bahn trains rushing back and forth a few yards away, the distance between normal life and terror just a few feet and 65 years. sidebar

Return to article sidebar In an interview conducted at Bad Arolsen during my week there, Paul Shapiro, director of the Center for Advanced Holocaust Studies at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, Return to article D.C.—arguably the person who fought the archives' continued closure to outside research most vigorously—explained the task After the war, first West Germany and later the reunified of the 16 historians brought to Bad Arolsen in June. "There is so German government issued payments to victims of Nazi much that it is difficult to get a handle on where to begin. The persecution. For Jews, payment could be issued for suffering of materials have never been a part of the research or educational all levels, from wearing the yellow star and internment in a resources that we have had available," he explained, noting that ghetto, to deportation to a concentration camp, to death. But the museum had asked the "16 participants to identify the areas Nazi victims were also non-Jewish: forced laborers (from [of the archives] that hold the greatest promise in their eyes. To Eastern as well as Western European countries) in factories and suggest priorities for cataloging." Shapiro maintained that "the on farms, slave laborers in concentration camps, political biggest challenge is gaining an understanding of the material in prisoners, gay men and lesbians, and those who experienced the terms that will help people to do research. The most common horror of the Nazi medical-experimentation projects. The description of the documentation at ITS that was used for 50 indemnity payments began soon after the war ended, and they years was [that] they are 'lists of victims'—lists of prisoners, lists have been revised and expanded again and again well into this of names. But, in the first place, it is more diverse materials than century. All share something in common: To receive the that. And, secondly, a list of names takes on a different meaning

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 25/116 when it is looked at through the eyes of a researcher or someone reparations payments, it was necessary to demonstrate one's who knows the history, or through the eyes of someone who victimization—and a file from the International Tracing Service. wants to understand the dynamic among populations, or what brought survival rather than death. Here you can sample different kinds of people as they made their way through—or failed to survive—the Nazi system. … The first challenge is having people understand that there is a broader significance to explainer this material, and the material has to be mobilized and integrated into the way we understand the Holocaust." Decapitation and the Muslim World Is there any special significance to beheading in Islam? By Nina Shen Rastogi Friday, February 20, 2009, at 12:00 PM ET

A Muslim man was accused of beheading his wife last week in sidebar Buffalo, N.Y. In recent years, Islamic terrorist groups have made a common practice of decapitating their political and religious Return to article enemies and broadcasting the acts in gory videos. Is there any significance to beheading in Islam? According to Konrad Kwiet, "After the war, the Australian Jewish community changed dramatically: It became a survivor Yes, but it's important in other cultures, too. As Lee Smith noted community. Today, we have 100,000 Jews in Australia, and in a 2004 Slate piece, two verses in the Quran refer to almost every second one must have some relationship to decapitation—both in the context of religious war. Sura 47, Holocaust survivors." A handful of the letters I found written to verse 4 reads: "Therefore, when ye meet the Unbelievers (in my grandfather are datelined Sydney. When I spoke to him on fight), smite at their necks." However, this line has generally the phone before our meeting in Bad Arolsen, Kwiet explained been interpreted by Islamic scholars to mean that when facing further that he is interested in that migration to Australia—rather infidels on the battlefield, one must strike with a deadly force. than to the United States or to Palestine. "Where Arolsen (The verse goes on to say that once you have fully subdued your becomes important—almost as important as for academics—is enemy, survivors should be shown "generosity and ransom.") for genealogical research. … They can now trace relatives … The same is true in sura 8, verse 12, in which it's recalled that where they didn't know what happened to them. For individual the Lord said to the angels at the Battle of Badr, "I am with you: genealogical research it is a gold mine." give firmness to the Believers: I will instil [misspelling is in original] terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them." Both verses are traditionally understood as inspirations to ferocity and not literal calls for beheading.

Islamic history does have its share of prominent beheadings, sidebar however. Muhammad's earliest biographer, Ibn-Ishaq, describes how the prophet approved the beheadings of between 600 and Return to article 900 men from the Jewish Quyraza tribe following the Battle of the Trench. Decapitation of a dead enemy on the battlefield was After the war, first West Germany and later the reunified the "primary form of symbolic aggression among Ottoman German government issued payments to victims of Nazi soldiers," according to this history of the Ottoman Empire. persecution. For Jews, payment could be issued for suffering of However, Christian Crusaders were known to do likewise— all levels, from wearing the yellow star and internment in a Fulcher of Chartres chronicles how, in 1099, 10,000 Jews and ghetto, to deportation to a concentration camp, to death. But Arabs were beheaded in the Temple of Solomon during the Nazi victims were also non-Jewish: forced laborers (from capture of Jerusalem. Eastern as well as Western European countries) in factories and on farms, slave laborers in concentration camps, political Outside the context of warfare, beheadings are accepted as a prisoners, gay men and lesbians, and those who experienced the criminal sanction in parts of the modern Islamic world. Under horror of the Nazi medical-experimentation projects. The Sharia law, there are no crimes that specifically call for indemnity payments began soon after the war ended, and they decapitation, but it is one of a range of execution methods that have been revised and expanded again and again well into this may be employed, along with stoning or hanging. Saudi Arabia century. All share something in common: To receive the is the only nation that continues to make regular and official use

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 26/116 of decapitation, though as of 2004, Yemen, Iran, and Qatar had not "terminate or refuse to continue their franchise agreements laws on their books that explicitly allow it. with retail dealers unless the manufacturer or distributor has first established good cause for termination or non-continuance of Among Western countries, court-sanctioned beheadings any such agreement." In practice, this means manufacturers have continued well into the 20th century: Murderer Johann Alfred to part with a lot of cash. Ander was Sweden's last decapitation in 1910; the last German to be beheaded was Berthold Wehmeyer in 1949; and the last If GM's Oldsmobile phaseout from 2000-04 is any indication, it guillotining in France took place in 1977—though death by the won't be easy for the company to shed brands. GM initially "national razor" remained on the books until 1981, when France offered Oldsmobile dealers between $1,600 and $3,100 per car abolished the death penalty. sold in their best sales year from the past three years, plus extra for "special circumstances"—like if a dealer recently made There's at least one mention of a righteous beheading in the improvements to his showroom. But many dealers weren't Bible—according to the Old Testament, David killed Goliath satisfied and sued GM for damages. Ultimately, it cost the with a stone and then ran to the giant, drew his sword from his automaker more than $1 billion to ax what was at the time the sheath, "and slew him, and cut off his head therewith," before oldest American car marque. carrying the trophy to Jerusalem. And in the deuterocanonical book of Judith, the beautiful Hebrew widow seduces the Stung by the Oldsmobile experience, it's possible GM will take a Babylonian tyrant Holofernes and then, after getting him drunk, more aggressive approach this time around. Not all states have cuts off his head. For the act she is "made great," becoming "the laws on the books regulating how manufacturers must handle the most renowned in all the land of Israel" (16:25). discontinuation of a brand. And GM is protected by the federal commerce clause, which includes provisions safeguarding a Got a question about today's news? Ask the Explainer. manufacturer's right to stop producing an unprofitable good. Saturn and Hummer dealers who are worried that they won't fare Explainer thanks Haider Ala Hamoudi of the University of as well at the bargaining table, or in court, can pre-empt the brand discontinuations and give GM notice that they're turning Pittsburgh School of Law, Anver Emon of the University of in their franchises. In that case, GM would probably have to buy Toronto, Dipak Gupta of San Diego State University, Regina back the current year's models, plus unused parts and signage. Janes of Skidmore College, and Khaleel Mohammed of San Diego State. It's been reported that before resorting to buyouts for Saturn dealers, GM may try to sell the brand. In that case, franchise owners might stay in business, peddling Saturn vehicles made by Indian or Chinese manufacturers. This alternative would allow GM to avoid costly buyouts—but it's possible no company will explainer step up to purchase the rights to the brand. Late Model What will happen to Hummer dealers when GM stops making Hummers? Car dealerships have more clout than manufacturers at the state By Juliet Lapidos level because local legislatures are eager to keep revenue from Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 6:41 PM ET sales. In the 1990s, automakers tried selling cars online. The plan, initially, was to sell cars directly to consumers, then use dealerships as distribution centers. Naturally, dealerships fought General Motors and Chrysler submitted "viability plans" to the back: Their lobbies pressed local governments to pass or enforce Treasury Department on Tuesday in an effort to obtain laws requiring manufacturers to sell cars only through state- additional loans and credit lines. GM will pare its lineup to four licensed dealers. main brands—Chevrolet, GMC, Buick, and Cadillac— converting Pontiac into a niche marque and probably phasing out Got a question about today's news? Ask the Explainer. production of both Saturns and Hummers. What will happen to car dealerships that sell the discontinued lines? Explainer thanks Dave Cole from the Center for Automotive Research and Richard Sox of Myers & Fuller. They'll get bought out. Dealers are not car-manufacturer employees—they're franchise owners protected by "franchise laws." Although these laws vary somewhat from state to state, they tend to favor the rights of dealers over Detroit. Such laws restrict, say, Chrysler's power to open a new Jeep dealership close to an existing one or to shut an old one down without due explainer cause. Colorado law, for example, holds that manufacturers may Sub Standard

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 27/116 Why are submarines always bumping into things? By Christopher Beam Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 6:01 PM ET fashion Dispatches From Fashion Week Two nuclear submarines, one French and one British, collided How can you tell if a fashion show is good? somewhere in the Atlantic this month, according to the two By Josh Patner countries' defense ministries. Both subs were damaged, but no Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 2:07 PM ET one was harmed. In 2003, a British sub hit an Arctic iceberg during military exercises. In 2005, an American sailor was killed when a U.S. sub crashed into an "undersea mountain." Why are subs always running into things? From: Josh Patner Subject: Can Jason Wu Do More Than Dress Michelle Obama? Posted Monday, February 16, 2009, at 7:22 PM ET Because they're stealthy. So stealthy, in fact, that they don't use the equipment necessary to detect obstacles. Most subs have two types of sonar: active and passive. Active sonar sends out acoustic sounds, or "pings," which can reach thousands of yards. If the ping bounces back, that means it hit an object—like a Jason Wu opened Fashion Week on Saturday afternoon in New whale, a ship, or another submarine. But stealth subs often avoid York, the first big-ticket show of the fall season. Wu, 26, active sonar, since the ping could give away their location. became an overnight star when Michelle Obama wore his white, Instead, they use passive sonar, which merely detects sounds. one-shoulder gown to the inaugural balls. (Sophisticated passive sonar reaches dozens of miles and can even distinguish between different types of boat engines.) If two He makes the kind of clothes Mrs. Obama loves: assertive and extremely quiet subs are using only passive sonar, there's a good romantic, colorful and shapely. He also makes the kinds of chance they won't detect each other. That also explains why subs clothes few of his contemporaries are interested in: Most have occasionally hit land masses and icebergs—those objects make abandoned the ladies who lunch. no sound. Consider Wu's contemporaries. Alexander Wang, 24, who beat How do the subs get so stealthy? Ballistic-missile submarines Wu and other hopefuls when he won the coveted Vogue Fashion are built to evade detection by making as little noise as possible. Fund award last year, showed clothes for the lady who smokes. They move slowly—usually no more than 20 knots. They're His tough-chic collection—ominous black leather bomber coated in anechoic tile, a rubbery substance that absorbs sound jackets and seams outlined in rivets—is rooted in the work of and prevents sonar detection. And nearly every moving part is Thierry Mugler and Claude Montana, French designers who isolated so that it won't transmit sound. The deck where the tamed the extremes of sex-fetish gear in the 1980s. engine runs, for example, is built on shock mounts, which absorb vibrations. Piping is suspended from rubber-lined isolation Ruffian, another label by young designers, also showed over the hangers, which keep the flow of water from making noise. When weekend. The collection featured the skirt suit, an LWL an engineer wants his sub to be really quiet, he can switch to standard, but Ruffian's was of the sweet-tart variety favored by heat convection instead of pumps to move water. the heroine of Confessions of a Shopaholic. Mrs. Obama is not likely to wear Ruffian. The biggest challenge for navy engineers is keeping the propeller quiet, since it can't be isolated. When the spinning But looking at Wu's collection is like peeking into Mrs. Obama's blades reach a certain speed, they create bubbles, which make a closet. You can see her in this burgundy sweater and printed lot of noise. One quieting technique is to use lots of blades— gray skirt or this cobalt blue silk dress, made with tiny horizontal most sub props are seven- or eight-bladed. That way, each blade bands of silk chiffon ribbon. doesn't have to spin as fast to create the same propulsion. Engineers will also adjust the shape of the blades and the angle Wu was born in Taipei and raised in Vancouver. He attended the of the propeller to compensate for the flow of water around the Parsons School of Design and then interned at Narciso hull. (Specifics about Navy propellers are supposed to be secret, Rodriguez for a year before opening his business in 2006 with but Microsoft's Virtual Earth caught a glimpse of one in 2007.) support from his parents and money he saved from his ongoing job as a designer of Fashion Royalty Dolls, which he began at Got a question about today's news? Ask the Explainer. 16. (The line, which sells at FAO Schwartz, includes characters such as Véronique Perrin and Natalia Fatalé, glamorous Explainer thanks Norman Polmar, Jon Rosamond of Jane's Navy executives at rival cosmetics corporations.) International, and Capt. Barry Tibbitts.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 28/116 There is still a doll-like quality to Jason Wu's clothes. It's not What makes for a great collection? It's the classic Fashion Week that they are too girly. They aren't. But, perhaps nobly, his only question, and insiders might smirk and say, We know one when intention is to make a woman beautiful, to dress her up. There is we see one. But this season, with shows held under the cloud of no irony here, no layering of subtle visual references, no overt ongoing economic doom, the question seems more essential. sexuality. For fall, Wu was inspired by illustrator Arthur What makes a collection strong? What makes the indulgence of Rackham, and the collection had a storybook mood. The tea expensive clothes worthwhile? party skirt of a citron green dress was made with tiny accordion pleats hand-stitched at the waist and an appliqué of black lace A great collection should offer a complete experience; it should like a spider's web. The evening gowns, in nude tulle or milky tell a story. From the first few looks it should project a universe: blue beads, are fairy-princess pretty. Where does this woman live? And it should stir cravings: What can't she live without? Designers must tell a story and This young designer's heroes are yesterday's American understand trends, but they must also present a unified vision, dressmaking stars: Charles James, Norman Norell, and Geoffrey and for that, a clear eye and a sure hand are required. Beene. These men, now all dead, were masters of color and cut, famed for creating entrance-making clothes in a world that is Donna Karan, the queen of Seventh Avenue for nearly 25 years, gone. There is something of James' drama in the accordion presented her fall collection Monday afternoon and offered a pleats, Beene's simplicity in the soft jackets, and Norell's swank great example of how things should be done. (Disclosure: I in the gowns. worked for her in the 1980s.)

Wu has started to create some signatures of his own. A white Her show told the story of a woman coming back to the things silk coat embroidered with tiny thread knots, a favorite detail, she loves best after being far from home. Her universe is was shown in Bergdorf Goodman's Fifth Avenue windows unpredictable; she wants to feel both comfortable and strong. during the week of the inaugural. And Mrs. Obama will appear And the collection was filled—from the first of the 46 looks to on the March cover of Vogue in one of his body-skimming the last—with clothes a Karan fan will crave. She may resist sheaths with a draped neckline. reaching for the credit card, but she may well give in.

New York is lucky to have Wu, a spirited young talent who With that first look—a dramatically draped inky silk jersey defers to the old school while so many try to corner the market blouse worn with a simple gray flannel skirt—Karan showed an on cool. Wu, in turn, is lucky to have Mrs. Obama, already an authority that perhaps only a seasoned designer can in uncertain icon of style, as a client. But it's most exciting to think about times. how he might grow beyond old charms and the prominence of the new first lady. He can do both. Younger designers seemed stymied this week. Perhaps the economic threat choked imagination; they have mainly depended Wu makes a lovely dress, and if his tailoring lacks the crisp on '80s retro or looks seen too recently on the runways of Paris. finish it ought to have (pants are a tad clumsy; jacket lapels could use a better roll), it makes no difference. At 26, he has The force of Karan's collection built from the steady repetition time to get better and better. His dresses are what retailers will of a vocabulary the designer has owned for decades. How does a be after, and he has appointments with nearly 100 stores this woman get up and go always looking her best? week. In tough times, a dress that makes a woman beautiful is something every store will be banking on. Here was a closet full of answers, in a businesslike palette of black, gray, and brown. Accents of claret (in an assertive cashmere jacket) and cognac (a sheared mink) showed the designer at her best.

From: Josh Patner She focused on strong shoulders (a trend this season, but always Subject: How To Tell if a Fashion Show Is Any Good a Karan favorite) and the waist, molding cashmere and leather Posted Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 2:07 PM ET into her signature shapely jackets and coats with face-framing collars. Dresses draped in soft cowls from the same exaggerated shoulder, often exposing them. Below-the-knee skirts were trim; pants were pleated and pegged. This week, Donna Karan showed a parade of heroic women in draped dresses and bold coats. The show was a strong one, and Karan was just 26 when she inherited the design studio at Anne the crowd watching could tell. The clothes grabbed your Klein after that earlier Queen of Seventh Avenue died in 1974. attention. Her own company—Donna Karan New York—opened in 1985

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 29/116 at the height of power dressing. (Remember women in dumpy crossed a street to avoid passing within a few feet of a porta- pinstripe skirt suits?) But Karan redefined what had been a potty's stench. And besides that, what would any normal person, masculine look and gave it seductive curves. without special access, be able to see at the inauguration? The question wasn't whether you'd have a view of the swearing-in After years in which Karan's collection drifted too far into the but whether you'd even have a view of a Jumbotron. moody slouchiness of her fascination with the New Age, Karan has returned to the citified wardrobe that she does best. The No, Patrice was happy to stay in Philadelphia and toast history strong shoulders and heroic femininity of power are trends this from the comfort of her own apartment. She was going to take season, but what made her show a standout was the focus and the day off work, and so were Renee and Corinne, and the three skill with which she presented them anew. A gray pantsuit of them were going to order in lunch and watch at Patrice's suggested that era's fierceness, only without nostalgia. place—Patrice has the best television, a 40-inch flat screen—and probably they were going to cry a lot and intermittently pat or Karan's show wasn't the only hit of the week so far. Marc Jacobs' grip one another's hands and ponder the incredibility of it all and ode to pre-Giuliani New York City—fantastic clothes for discuss Michelle Obama's outfit; that's pretty much everything clubland—showed the designer at his most fun. But isn't they did on election night, except that then they ordered in clubland gone? At Rodarte, the designers continued to fuse dinner instead of lunch and drank champagne that Corinne had fashion and fiber art. Though it may sound zany, the yarn ball brought. sweaters were fabulous. But Karan's show was great because it showed a real woman, alive. Watching the inauguration on TV with her two closest friends sounded to Patrice like a fine plan, a grand plan, even, but shortly after Christmas, her cousin Janet called from St. Louis. "You know I hate to lean on you," Janet said after they'd exchanged pleasantries and Patrice felt a gathering of dread fiction below her sternum; Janet has never hated to lean on anyone, least of all Patrice. "William got his dates mixed up is what All Along, This Was What Was happened," Janet continued. "Here he arranged a romantic Supposed To Happen getaway for the two of us—and Patty, you know we haven't An inauguration novella. taken a vacation for years, just William and me—and he's so By Curtis Sittenfeld proud of himself when he tells me Christmas morning, and what Tuesday, January 20, 2009, at 7:23 AM ET do you know but the trip's the week of January 20th?"

Patrice said nothing; she still wasn't clear what exactly Janet was after. From: Curtis Sittenfeld Subject: Yes, We Did Posted Tuesday, January 13, 2009, at 7:04 PM ET "Well, Patty, that's Inauguration Day," Janet said. "Now, I'm sure you remember I was going to take Momma, and now I'm just in this terrible bind—"

Listen to Curtis Sittenfeld read Part 1 of her novella here: "Have you asked Ernie or Steve?" Patrice interrupted. These were Janet's brothers.

You can also download the MP3 file directly here or listen "Oh, Ernie and his family were there in the living room on through Slate's Audio Book Club podcast iTunes feed. Christmas, but, Patty, he doesn't have the flexibility you do, and with Steve's kids all crazy now and you already there on the East Standing in the arrivals area of the Philadelphia airport, waiting Coast …" for her 77-year-old Aunt Lettie to come into view, Patrice thinks that it's not that she wasn't thrilled about the outcome of the Of course: Reliably single, childless Patrice—why on earth election—of course she was, how could she not be?—nor is it wouldn't it be her pleasure to pick up the slack for her extended that she wasn't planning to celebrate the inauguration. It's just family or co-workers? It couldn't be that she chose her situation, that she wasn't planning to attend it. She'd seen the news reports: could it? To live alone at the age of 48 in a high-rise in up to 2 million people converging on the capital. Ten thousand downtown Philadelphia, to work 60-hour weeks as a senior vice charter buses and 11,000 U.S. troops and (this to Patrice was the president of the nation's largest cable provider, to not even own a biggest deterrent) more than 12,000 porta-potties. Both blessed cat? It could only be that she settled on this life because of a lack and cursed with an acute sense of smell, Patrice has more than of other options, right? (Or else—Patrice knew from Janet's once, when alone and walking by a construction site, actually

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 30/116 clumsily faux-open-minded inquiries that this was an ongoing going to graduate school, Patrice at Wharton. Neither of them source of speculation—could it be that Patrice was a lesbian? has lived in St. Louis since high school. Brenda has been in The answer, which she denies her relatives the pleasure of London for more than a decade, married to a Senegalese-French learning, is that, no, she's not.) man, and they're the parents of 9-year-old twins. Patrice and Brenda's father, an electrician, died of colon cancer in 1985, By this point in the conversation, Patrice had mostly tuned out when Patrice was in her second year at Wharton; when her her cousin—she caught a reference to Cancun as the vacation mother, a retired nurse, developed Alzheimer's in 1998, Patrice destination, as well as a few more explanations and buttery, pre- and Brenda paid for her to live in a top-of-the-line assisted care emptive expressions of gratitude—and then there was a silence, facility in the Clayton suburb of St. Louis, and until her mother's and she knew the request had formally been made. "I'll look at death in 2002, Patrice flew in to visit every other weekend and my calendar," she said. "I'll call you back, all right?" This, arranged for the delivery of fresh flowers on the weekends she Patrice had learned the hard way, was how you declined to do a wasn't there. favor, or at least how she did, because when she answered in the moment, she was inclined to say yes, and once she'd said yes, As Patrice held the phone to her ear and looked beyond her she felt obligated to go through with it. balcony—her view faced south, toward the stadiums and the shipyards on the Delaware River—it was hard not to imagine "Absolutely, you pray on it." Janet lowered her voice. "It's what her mother would want in this situation. In her quiet way, Momma's dying wish. Not that she's dying, but, really, Patty, Patrice's mother had acknowledged that Aunt Lettie could be that's the only way to put it, and can you blame her? I'm overbearing ("Lettie speaks her mind" was how Patrice's mother disappointed myself not to go, but I'm between a rock and a hard would put it), but still, to her, family was family—you shoveled place." out their car when you were shoveling out your own, you called to see whether they wanted to go along when you were getting Saturday lunch at the Chinese buffet. Patrice's mother would be Oh, really? Patrice thought. So which one is Cancun? shocked, Patrice thought, if she knew neither of her daughters had even gone back to St. Louis for Christmas this year. Don't be She walked to her living room's sliding glass door, which opened th selfish, Patty, her mother would tell her in this moment, and her onto a narrow balcony. Her apartment, on the 17 floor of a mother's voice would be not nagging but calm and generous, the building on Spruce Street, was less than a block off Broad, and voice of the person who had always believed in Patrice most. A on election night, she and Renee and Corinne had walked porta-potty never hurt anyone. Take Aunt Lettie to see Barack outside and waved down at the revelers who'd congregated on Obama. Broad after Pennsylvania was called for Obama; the celebrating was still going strong when Patrice went to bed around midnight, "Let's leave it like this," Janet was saying. "You call me in a day and it was such a wonderful sound to hear that she purposely or two after you've—" didn't turn on her white-noise machine.

But being overjoyed that Obama had won wasn't the same as "Wait." Even as she spoke, Patrice winced, but at least Janet wouldn't be able to see. "I'll do it," she said. wanting to escort Aunt Lettie to the inauguration. Apart from what was sure to be the madness of Washington, there was also the fact that Patrice and Aunt Lettie had never been each other's **** favorites. Growing up in a duplex in suburban St. Louis, the other half occupied by her aunt, uncle, and cousins, Patrice had Aunt Lettie, Patrice notes with alarm when at last she comes into always known they considered her and her younger sister, view on the far side of the airport's security checkpoint, is not Brenda, to be a bit prissy. Even as a very young girl, Patrice had walking; rather, she's being pushed in a wheelchair, something been meticulous about keeping her clothes clean, and one of her Patrice has never witnessed of her aunt and a detail Janet earliest memories was of Aunt Lettie mocking her after Patrice neglected to mention over the phone. Patrice swallows, steeling declined baked beans at a family cookout for fear of spilling herself, and walks forward. "Aunt Lettie," she calls as warmly as them on her pink pants; the youthful Patrice had also earned her she can manage—after all, it's not really Aunt Lettie's fault Janet relatives' scorn for not only memorizing the spelling of the word dumped her on Patrice. Aunt Lettie wears large plastic glasses supercalifragilisticexpialidocious but for frequently offering to and a wig Patrice hasn't seen before, a short full, model with recite it. auburn highlights, and she smiles broadly at Patrice, waves, and says something over one shoulder to the airport employee—a Patrice and her sister's separation from their cousins was heavyset white woman—who's pushing her chair. exacerbated when, at a teacher's suggestion, first Patrice and then Brenda enrolled at a parochial high school instead of the As they approach, Patrice also sees that Aunt Lettie is holding public one, which led to their attending out-of-state colleges— her cane so it rests diagonally across her body (which means she Wellesley in Patrice's case—which in turn led to both of them can walk, doesn't it? because otherwise why would she still need

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 31/116 a cane?) and that it's wrapped in alternating red and blue staying not in a hotel but in an apartment a few blocks off streamers. A large Obama pin hangs on the collar of Aunt Dupont Circle that Janet's son found for them on Craigslist. Lettie's black wool coat—Obama grinning broadly and pointing Patrice is trying to remain open-minded, but she is uneasy about with his index finger beneath the words "I Proudly Voted for the fact that no matter the apartment's condition, they won't have President Barack Obama 11/4/08"—and under her coat, which is other options. open, Aunt Lettie wears a sweatshirt featuring a Barack Obama- Martin Luther King Jr. montage. Patrice herself has acquired no As their cab crosses the Schuylkill River, Aunt Lettie leans Obama merchandise, not during the election or since; she just forward and says to the driver, "Young man, I can tell you're as isn't much of a pin-wearer, and living in the middle of the city, excited as my niece and I are about President Obama." she doesn't own a car on which to affix a bumper sticker. "Aunt Lettie," Patrice murmurs, before she can really stop "There she is," Aunt Lettie says loudly as she's wheeled closer. herself. Yes, the driver is black—he looks about 30—but still. "Patty Wilson, you come here and give me a hug." "What? He's not hiding it." Aunt Lettie points to where an Patrice leans over, inhaling the honeyed scent of shea butter. She Obama-themed air freshener, a cardboard rectangle with that feels for a moment as if it's her mother she's embracing, and she distinctive O, hangs from the driver's rearview mirror. must blink back tears. The driver looks back and grins at them. In thickly accented When Patrice has righted herself, Aunt Lettie continues to clasp English, he says, "Indeed, I am as excited as you are." both her hands, looking her up and down, and she says, "Baby, I don't know what you're doing, but keep right on doing it! You Coming tomorrow: Patrice and Aunt Lettie make enemies and look fabulous!" friends on the train to D.C.

Excuse me? Patrice thinks. Has she ever, in 48 years, been greeted this enthusiastically by her aunt?

Then Aunt Lettie says, "Patty, are you ready to go to Washington, D.C., for the celebration of our lifetimes? Patty, From: Curtis Sittenfeld yes, we did! Yes, we did, baby!" Subject: Got Hope? Posted Thursday, January 15, 2009, at 6:48 AM ET In spite of herself, Patrice giggles, exchanging amused glances with the airport employee. So apparently, all these years, all it would have taken for Aunt Lettie to be transformed into a sunnily uncritical presence was the election of a black president. Listen to Curtis Sittenfeld read Part 2 of her novella here:

"Ma'am, we need to go downstairs to baggage claim," the airport You can also download the MP3 file directly here or listen employee says, but, unexpectedly, Aunt Lettie stands. Glancing through Slate's Audio Book Club podcast iTunes feed. disdainfully at the wheelchair, she says, "I don't need that thing, that's just Janet getting herself worked up. Patty, you and me, we can carry one little suitcase between us, can't we?" Yesterday, the Obama and Biden families departed by train from Philadelphia for Washington in an elegantly choreographed bit of political theater. Today, the Philadelphia train station is chaos. Patrice nods; she is more relieved than she cares to let on that Patrice had anticipated as much and gotten them there more than Aunt Lettie is still ambulatory. She takes her aunt's surprisingly an hour in advance of their departure time, but still, when their heavy black leather pocketbook and hitches it onto one shoulder, gate listing appears on the sign in the station center, they end up and Aunt Lettie holds her cane in her right hand. Should Patrice in the rear half of a long, snaking line that she checks three times tip the airport employee? She errs on the side of assuming she to confirm is the correct one. Today is Sunday, almost 48 hours should, slipping the woman a $5 bill. "What was that for?" Aunt before the inauguration ceremony, so she suspects the crowds Lettie asks before the woman has moved more than a few feet will only get worse between now and then, but already rumors away. "That's what she's paid to do, Patty. You're just a pushover are swirling that all of the trains en route from Boston and New like your momma." York are overflowing. "Why don't you sit on that bench over there, and I'll hold our place?" Patrice says, but Aunt Lettie They collect Aunt Lettie's suitcase without incident and climb in declines; she has struck up a conversation with a husband and a cab to Center City; they'll have lunch at Patrice's apartment wife behind them, a couple from West Philly who are telling her before catching their midafternoon train to D.C. They'll be they have it on good authority from their minister that the

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 32/116 Obamas will be acquiring a labradoodle because those are good "Awesome," says Shamrock. "They—" she nods with her chin to dogs for someone with Malia's allergies. More people than not the seats on the other side of the aisle "—flew in from Sweden. are wearing variations on Aunt Lettie's Obama apparel, hats and How cool is that? Hey, where are you guys staying?" pins and shirts. Is anyone present not headed for the inauguration? "Near Dupont Circle," Patrice says.

In one way, Patrice is reminded of the time seven or eight years "In a hotel or with friends or what?" The girl could not possibly, ago when she agreed to join her friend Corinne in the Broad Patrice thinks, be angling for a place to sleep. Could she? Street Run, Philadelphia's annual 10-mile road race. In the morning, as she and Corinne rode the subway to the start of the "An apartment," Patrice says. "It's very small." race, she kept looking around at the other passengers, all of them in shorts and spandex and race bibs, and thinking that no matter their age or appearance, they all in this moment had something "Craigslist?" the girl asks, and when Patrice nods, the girl says, in common—they had arrived in the same place, for the same "That's totally what we did, too. We found a sweet place in reason. The difference this afternoon in the train station, though, Takoma Park—" Thank God, Patrice thinks, "—but the rates is that unlike with the race, when she didn't care about doing some people were charging, it's like, what the hell? Don't they anything but finishing, Patrice now feels like the people around have any sense of history?" her are her competition. They have something in common, something good, and she'll likely need to fight them for seats on "I guess they'll charge whatever someone's willing to pay," the train. And maybe this is the reason she doesn't like crowds— Patrice says. that they bring out her own less-than-generous impulses. She wonders again how much of an uphill battle D.C. will be, how "Yeah, but $15,000 a night?" This is the other girl—Bandanna— tricky will be the logistics of hailing a cab or finding a spot on piping up. "Don't they know there aren't any Republicans the Metro, of obtaining food; she'd intended to buy snacks for coming to the inauguration?" herself and Aunt Lettie, granola bars and pretzels, as well as a nice big bottle of hand sanitizer, but she ended up having to go Patrice laughs. She knows which listings they're talking about— into work yesterday and didn't get to a store. five-bedroom houses in Bethesda, Md., or massive Kalorama apartments that mention stainless-steel refrigerators and Jacuzzi Riding the escalator down to the boarding platform while trying tubs and even maid service. Which does raise the question, if to balance both her own and Aunt Lettie's suitcases on the step, you live in a place like that to begin with, do you really need the she bumps the man in front of her, who says over his shoulder in money you'd get from renting it out to strangers? Patrice a gruff tone, "Watch it." Once they're on the train, it's moving personally can't imagine what amount she'd require in exchange before they can find seats, and then they're in the middle of a car, for allowing people she's never met to sleep on her sheets and being pushed from both sides by other passengers, until there is shower in her bathroom. Granting that she's uptight, it just seems total gridlock. I knew it, Patrice thinks. But a white girl, overly personal and a little unsavory. gesturing toward Aunt Lettie's streamer-bedecked cane, says to Patrice, "Does your mom want to sit down?" Patrice gratefully She had never ventured onto Craigslist before two weeks ago; accepts on Aunt Lettie's behalf. When a second girl sitting next perhaps it was a function of her age that she'd never felt the to the first one offers her own seat to Patrice, Patrice declines, need. After Janet mentioned that Patrice and Aunt Lettie would but the girl insists. She says, "We got on in Providence, so I'm be staying in a place procured on the site, Patrice went online, ready to stretch my legs." hoping to see their actual apartment, but of course that listing had been removed. She poked around the other inaugural Of course, there's nowhere for the girls to go, so after they've listings—"$2065 / 3BR – STUNNING DOWNTOWN stood, they just sort of park themselves in the aisle next to BROWNSTONE SLEEPS 6-12," or "5 SHORT BLOCKS TO Patrice and Aunt Lettie, holding onto the top of the seats. "You THE WHITE HOUSE"—and then, with some mix of folks from Philadelphia?" the first girl asks. She wears a navy embarrassment and curiosity, she clicked over to the "casual blue bandanna that pushes back her hair and a long-sleeved T- encounters" section of the site's personals. She'd heard about this shirt that says Got Hope? The other girl has on a sweatshirt that somewhere—was it from Renee or in an article?—and it wasn't reads O'Bama in green letters and features a shamrock instead of as if she were going to act on any listings, but as long as she was an apostrophe between the letters O and B. in the area, why not learn more about the cultural phenomenon?

"I am." Patrice gestures toward Aunt Lettie. "She's from Which is how she found herself sitting alone in her apartment at Missouri." 10:15 at night looking at penises. Actual penises! And these were under the "m4w" heading, not even the more complicated headings that she had to pause to decipher, like "t4mw." No, in

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 33/116 the "men for women" section, you could click on a headline as proud lesbian. "Then all you have to do is hit send," Shamrock innocuous-sounding as "Looking for Fun" and find yourself says. "Voila!" gazing at a disembodied, erect male member. Were there women out there who'd be tempted by this explicit greeting? Presumably "Bless you, sweetheart." Aunt Lettie leans over and pulls a large so. The world we live in, Patrice thought wonderingly, half- Tupperware container from her pocketbook (no wonder it's so appalled at the seediness and half-impressed at the gumption of heavy). She peels off the lid and extends it toward Shamrock. the individuals who'd so brazenly go after what they wanted. "You want a lemon square, baby?" Patrice's own forays into online dating, which had been of the decidedly more PG-rated variety, had mostly served to remind Coming tomorrow: A surprise awaits Patrice and Aunt Lettie in her of the pleasures of her own company: In the last eight years, their Craigslist apartment. she'd been told by three separate men—two were white, and one was black—that she reminded them of Condoleezza Rice, an observation to which she'd been tempted to respond, at least to the white men, by saying they reminded her of George W. Bush.

"Hey, did you guys hear about cell phones at the inauguration?" From: Curtis Sittenfeld This is Shamrock speaking. "They think they're not going to Subject: Stars and Stripes Forever work with so many people, so they're recommending texting Posted Friday, January 16, 2009, at 6:58 AM ET instead. But honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if texting barely works, either." Listen to Curtis Sittenfeld read Part 3 of her novella here: Patrice turns to Aunt Lettie, who has been looking out the window at the industrial corridor on the outskirts of You can also download the MP3 file directly here or listen Philadelphia. "They're talking about cell phones," Patrice says. "I through Slate's Audio Book Club podcast iTunes feed. was thinking we could use mine to call the family during the inauguration, but she's saying the service won't be good." Patrice and Aunt Lettie wait in line an hour and 20 minutes for a "Oh, I've got a cell phone, too," Aunt Lettie says nonchalantly. cab from Union Station to Dupont Circle; by 30 minutes in, Patrice wishes they'd just taken the Metro, but a cab seemed Patrice can't conceal her surprise. "You do? Did Janet get it for better with their suitcases and Aunt Lettie's cane, plus there's a you for this trip?" rumor that one of the up escalators at Dupont Circle isn't working, and the stranger who told her this didn't know whether the escalator was at the northern or southern exit. The apartment "Honey, I've had this for years." Aunt Lettie removes a silver th model from her coat pocket, and when she unfolds it, the screen she and Aunt Lettie are staying in is on 17 Street where it and number pad light up. "It's how I reach Janet to pick me up intersects New Hampshire and S—it's technically not on Dupont from bingo." Circle at all but three or four blocks north. Patrice is curious how much her cousin Janet is paying and also how exactly Janet and her son selected this apartment. Was nothing available on "Do you know how to text?" Shamrock asks. "I'll show you if Capitol Hill, which would have been a much shorter walk to the you want." She is leaning over them, mostly over Patrice Mall, or was it just more expensive? Or did it seem less safe? because she's in the aisle seat, and Shamrock says to her, "Do Patrice has already decided that she and Aunt Lettie will rise at 5 you know how to text?" a.m. on Tuesday with the goal of getting to the Mall by 6 or 7; they'll have to walk because the Metro entrances will be blocked "I have a BlackBerry," Patrice says. for people within 2 miles of the Mall.

To give Aunt Lettie the lesson, Shamrock and Patrice switch It is dark outside as she and Aunt Lettie enter the apartment places. It is as Shamrock is instructing Aunt Lettie—their heads building using keys FedEx-ed to Patrice's office earlier this bent together, Shamrock scrolling through Aunt Lettie's phone's week, along with directions, from one Gretchen J. Shumacher. options—that Patrice notices on the aisle floor a backpack, (Patrice was relieved to learn the apartment's usual inhabitant presumably Shamrock's, on which a triangular pink pin reading was a woman, because she thinks, perhaps unfairly, that women Dykes for Obama is attached to the outermost pocket. Ah, yes. tend to be cleaner.) Though the building has two elevators in the Right. Not that Patrice particularly cares, but she isn't sure how lobby, just beyond the glass doors of the entrance, Gretchen J. Aunt Lettie would feel about the fact that the person at this very Shumacher's apartment is on the first floor, down the left-hand moment helping her type "DC or bust!!!" into her phone is a corridor. All the keys work as per Gretchen J. Shumacher's written instructions, and the apartment turns out to be tidy, if

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 34/116 plain and not particularly well-lighted. One bedroom holds a bureau. "Wear your scarf," Patrice says. "I think the temperature queen-size bed—this will be Aunt Lettie's—and the other has fallen." bedroom features a foldout couch, its mattress extended and made up. This room also contains a large desk and a bookshelf Outside again, retracing her steps, she tries not to hurry Aunt filled with fat novels whose covers show dragons or men on Lettie, though her aunt's slow pace reinforces Patrice's worry horseback wielding swords; apparently, Gretchen J. Shumacher that the band won't still be there by the time they arrive. In any is a fantasy buff. We're here, Patrice thinks with gratitude. case, she needs to be more careful in allotting Aunt Lettie's energy. Aunt Lettie has been subdued since the train ride, and Patrice suspects she's weary, so she offers to pick up food for dinner. But the band is there. Now they're playing "Living in America," Without unpacking, Patrice lets herself out of the apartment and and some people are dancing, people of varying ages and races the building and walks south toward Dupont Circle; she has (is it jaded for Patrice to think she has rarely observed a scene visited Washington a dozen or so times in her life, usually for like this outside a soda commercial?), and the people who aren't work, and she's stayed in this area but she doesn't know it well. dancing are using video cameras or regular cameras or cell She passes a Chinese takeout place that's full but, contrasting phones to document the people who are. Aunt Lettie leans over with other nearby establishments, doesn't have a crowd out the and says, "That girl must weigh 400 pounds. How does she blow door, and she takes note of it as a possibility. The sidewalks are on that thing?" She means a trombonist in the second row who is thick with people and festive energy, as if the city has become indeed large, though Patrice doubts she's 400 pounds. Does this one extended block party. Police officers and military personnel comment mean Aunt Lettie isn't enjoying the performance? are visible at corners, but even they don't detract from the celebratory mood in the air, and Patrice is struck by the thought "She must have strong lungs," Patrice says. that when, as a teenager in the suburbs of St. Louis, she imagined city life, this was what she pictured—this density and merriment—when in fact city life is hardly ever like this, or only "Janet's sure getting fat, but you've kept your figure," Aunt for certain stretches on certain streets: Fifth Avenue in New Lettie says. "You ought to tell her to go on a diet." York or Michigan Avenue in Chicago. In Philadelphia, she often takes a cab instead of walking home from Renee's place at night, Yeah, when hell freezes over, Patrice thinks. She gestures toward even though it's only half a mile, because entire blocks can be the band and says, "Aren't they good?" The musicians have empty, Patrice herself the only one out. Where is everyone? she segued into "Yankee Doodle," which delights the crowd. always thinks in those moments. Aunt Lettie turns her head, squinting for a moment at Patrice, As she approaches Dupont Circle, Patrice hears music, and then then says, "Your momma couldn't understand why you never she sees the band on the far side of the fountain in the circle's found a man, but I always said to her, 'Patty is a girl that knows center. There are 30 or 40 of them—as she gets closer, she herself and likes her own company, and ain't nothing wrong with realizes they're adults, not teenagers, as she thought when she that.' " was still across the street—and they're all black, wearing maroon uniforms and helmets with white tassels and white gloves. (They For several seconds, Patrice is speechless. Her relatives flit must be a marching band.) They're playing a rousing, totally around this topic constantly when she's in their presence—if unironic version of "Stars and Stripes Forever," and they're she's being honest with herself, she can admit that it's the reason wonderful. she's not in their presence more than once or twice a year—but they never land on it this squarely. And certainly no one ever Previously, Patrice has pondered just what it is Aunt Lettie defends her singleness; even her own sister, when she visits wants from the trip, whether being in D.C. is enough, being on Brenda in London, says, "But don't you want someone to grow the Mall during the ceremony, or whether there's some more old with?" in a way that implies Patrice has been arguing against specific moment or sight she's hoping for, and now Patrice such a scenario. At last, because she still can't think of anything thinks, This. This is what Aunt Lettie has come for. Patrice must better to say, Patrice murmurs, "Thank you." go get her, in spite of it being several blocks for Aunt Lettie to walk. And will the band have moved on by the time they get **** back? But it's people and music and patriotism—Barack Obama has been elected, and now he's about to be sworn in!—and she After dinner at the Chinese restaurant—Patrice anticipated has to try. getting takeout, but a table opened up, and they grabbed it—they return to the apartment, and Aunt Lettie gets ready for bed while Aunt Lettie is initially confused by Patrice's entreaty but Patrice sits in the living room typing a message to Corinne and amenable. She has been lying in Gretchen J. Shumacher's bed, Renee on her BlackBerry. Aunt Lettie spends a long time in the watching CNN on the television on Gretchen J. Shumacher's bathroom—Patrice can hear her humming to herself—and when

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 35/116 Aunt Lettie's out, Patrice knocks on the door frame of the open brown hair and—the faint glitter takes her a second to discern— bedroom. Aunt Lettie is sitting on the edge of the bed; she's a hoop earring at the corner of his lower lip. He glares at Patrice. wearing a long-sleeved, turtlenecked, pale-pink nightgown and "Who the fuck are you?" he says. has removed her wig. Her real hair is thin and mostly gray, smoothed back against her scalp. "Did you take your blood- Coming Monday: The White House, racial tension, and porta- pressure medicine?" Patrice asks. This is basically all Janet gave potties! Oh my! in the way of instructions.

"I sure did, baby," Aunt Lettie says.

"Do you need anything else?" Patrice asks. "Is the heat high enough?" From: Curtis Sittenfeld Subject: Obamamaniacs Posted Monday, January 19, 2009, at 7:02 AM ET "I'm just fine." With effort, Aunt Lettie swings her feet up onto the mattress. Her ankles, Patrice notes, are heartbreakingly bony. Something about the absence of her wig makes her seem extra Listen to Curtis Sittenfeld read Part 4 of her novella here: vulnerable, and Patrice considers tucking her in and kissing her forehead, but acting on this impulse would probably make them both uncomfortable. You can also download the MP3 file directly here or listen through Slate's Audio Book Club podcast iTunes feed. From the doorway, Patrice says, "OK, well, sweet dreams. If you need me, just holler." They are father and son. The father, apparently, is named Bruce; the son is Caleb. They drove here (yes, drove) from Nebraska: She crosses the apartment and opens the door to her own They left Lincoln yesterday morning, stayed last night at what bedroom. She's pretty sure there's an overhead light, but she can't Bruce cheerfully describes as a fleabag motel outside Toledo, remember whether the switch is on the right or left, and she feels then rose today at the crack of dawn and put in another 10 along the wall with her palm. Not there, not there, not there … hours—hence their "hitting the sack," as Bruce also puts it, she extends her left arm, finds it, and flicks. When the room is before 9 p.m. this evening. They're Obamaniacs who started illuminated, the head that pops up from a pillow on the far end volunteering for the campaign back in February '07, Bruce of the pull-out couch is not in and of itself terrifying—it's the explains, and wild horses couldn't have kept them from the head of a genial but disoriented-looking middle-aged white man, inauguration. Caleb has never visited Washington. Bruce worked a balding fellow with a bushy sand-colored mustache, wearing a on Capitol Hill during his idealistic youth—more years ago than blue T-shirt—but it's the fact of anyone there at all, of a stranger he cares to remember—but he hasn't returned in decades, and in this room, that makes Patrice shriek. She is so startled, so he's excited as hell to see the back end of George W. Bush and totally unprepared in this moment to stumble upon another celebrate the advent of change that's been far too long in coming. person, that a scream of exceptional pitch and duration escapes from her mouth. This information emerges while Patrice stands in the doorway with her arms folded; Aunt Lettie stands behind her wigless and The man holds up both hands, palms out, as if in surrender. nightgowned, peering into the room; Bruce perches on the edge "Lady—" he starts to say even before her scream has ended, and of the foldout couch, above the covers, in his T-shirt and a pair then again, "Lady, relax. All we're doing is trying to get some of boxer shorts dotted with faded red hearts (it's not as if Patrice sleep." is looking, but the boxers are on clear display, along with his scrawny and rather hairy legs); and Caleb watches the women in "Patty, what is it?" Aunt Lettie calls, followed by the sounds of a surly way before lying back down and pulling a pillow over his her scrambling out of bed and then, it seems, knocking over her head. Caleb does not, to say the least, seem Obamaniacal. cane. "Lord have mercy," Patrice hears her aunt say. Oh, and, Bruce adds, they took this bedroom because it seemed He could not be an intruder, she tells herself, grasping at logic, like the one that wasn't occupied, but if she and her mother willing her pounding heart to slow, her entire body to quit would rather switch—? shaking. An intruder would conceal himself, waiting to pounce, or he'd be gathering silver or electronics to steal. He would not There then ensues the part of the conversation when Bruce be sleeping. This is when another head pops up from the other reveals that he was well-aware he and Caleb would be sharing side of the pull-out couch, causing Patrice to gasp anew. The this apartment with strangers. No mix-up occurred, no error—all second person is an adolescent boy with pale skin and shaggy along, this was what was supposed to happen. He can hardly

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 36/116 believe what they're paying, Bruce says, but, hell, compared with situations that means the other person didn't imagine she'd be some of the prices people are charging in this very black; the expectation from total strangers that she'll be their neighborhood, it's a steal. sassy, finger-snapping girlfriend; the implicit and explicit signs she sometimes gets from other blacks that with her education Patrice turns to Aunt Lettie—did Aunt Lettie also understand and job and lifestyle, she has sold out—but these are certainly that this was the arrangement? not topics she'd want to chew on with Bruce from Nebraska. Although there was a brief period at Wellesley when "Janet took care of everything," Aunt Lettie says. consciousness-raising seemed heady and well worth the effort, that was a long, long time ago.) "Is Craigslist a miracle or what?" Bruce is saying. "I gotta tell Caleb, who is 14, speaks little, especially in contrast to his you, I hardly remember what any of us did before it." To her voluble father, and Patrice wonders whether he is annoyed to distress, Patrice immediately finds herself thinking of those penis pictures, wondering whether Bruce is the kind of man find himself in the company of an old woman and a middle-aged who'd post a photo like that. Is he married or single? Not, based one. "If you two would rather keep moving, go ahead," Patrice says to Bruce while Aunt Lettie is a few feet away snapping on what she gleaned during her search, that being single is a pictures of the north lawn of the White House, but Bruce says, prerequisite for posting penis pictures on Craigslist. But she "Patty, we've got no particular agenda—just glad to be enjoying merely nods in a noncommittal way as Bruce adds, "When a moment of history on a historic day." He means Martin Luther Caleb's mom and I split up, I used Craigslist to furnish my new place for under a thousand bucks, no exaggeration. Some stuff King Day, though Patrice is more focused on the fact that not people aren't even selling. They're just so glad you'll take it off only does Bruce call her Patty, having ignored the way she introduced herself and instead picked up on what Aunt Lettie their hands they're offering it free. With my pal Davey's truck, I says, but he also addresses Aunt Lettie as Aunt Lettie. She keeps was golden." This answers two separate questions, or at least wavering on whether to correct him. While the habit seems sort of. "Tell you what," Bruce says, "Lemme get myself decent disrespectful, she and Aunt Lettie will ride back to Philadelphia and come out in the living room, and we'll all have a glass of wine. Nothing a bottle of vino among new friends can't set right, after the inaugural parade on Tuesday, meaning they'll know Bruce for only about 24 hours longer. Is taking a stance worth it? eh?"

Part of the reason Patrice wanted to come to the White House "You don't need to get up," Patrice says. "Really. I'll just move my suitcase out of here." today is that it's a little closer to Gretchen J. Shumacher's apartment than the Mall is and therefore gives her the chance to find out roughly how long the walk will take them tomorrow "No offense, ma'am, but after that blood-curdling scream, I'm morning and how Aunt Lettie will hold up. The answer to the not sure I could go back to sleep," Bruce says. "You don't by any former question is quite a while (an hour to go less than two chance make your living acting in horror movies, do you?" miles), and the answer to the latter seems to be OK. They rested a few times along the way. Patrice realizes then, based on the ma'am, that she hasn't introduced herself. She says, "I'm Patrice Wilson, and this is my Outside the gates on Pennsylvania Avenue, a jolly throng of aunt, Miss Lettie." She pauses, and it feels like an awkward protestors, monitored by a cadre of police officers, is chanting pause. Then she says, "We'll give you some privacy." She darts "O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" and then they switch to "Bush, go home! into the room, picks up her suitcase, and carries it out, closing Bush, go home!" Patrice wonders whether this is worth the the door behind her. energy, either. Bush, too, will be gone in 24 hours. Is he now packing—does a president pack any of his own possessions? His **** time in office has appalled but rarely surprised her; even his decisions, or lack thereof, around Katrina felt less like new How it is that Bruce and Caleb end up accompanying Patrice and information than like more evidence of what she'd already Aunt Lettie on their walk to the White House on Monday Patrice suspected. isn't sure, but Bruce seems to assume that now they're all in this together and it feels too decisively rude to inform him otherwise. Patrice looks at the White House's four huge Ionic columns, and It occurs to Patrice that he might be the type of white person above them the pediment and then the American flag; in its who's extra-pleased to be spending time at the Obama massive symmetry, its peculiar familiarity, the building really is inauguration with actual, authentic black people, or, even worse, a stirring sight. that he might try to strike up some earnest conversation about race. (She discusses race with Corinne and Renee, of course— "Patty, turn around and smile," Aunt Lettie says, and Patrice the irritation of still, after all these years, being mistaken for her complies. Aunt Lettie takes no fewer than half a dozen shots of own assistant or just the slight eye-widening in professional her.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 37/116 "Let me take some of you," she finally says, and Bruce, who has others, but she hasn't considered using one until now. Can she been using his camera, says, "Why don't I take one of both of hold it until they return to the apartment? Already today, when you together?" they went by a Starbucks, she looked in the plate-glass window and saw a line 20 deep for the women's bathroom. He does, first with Aunt Lettie's camera, then with his own (perhaps to document the actual, authentic black people he has She gestures vaguely forward and says, "If you'll all excuse me befriended?). Patrice didn't bring her camera to Washington—if for a minute. Aunt Lettie, maybe you also need to—" Aunt they were going to meet Barack and Michelle, sure, she would Lettie nods, and while she goes, Patrice stands outside the porta- have, but she guessed she'd mostly be seeing the back of a lot of potty holding her aunt's cane, almost glad for the delay. Aunt people's necks. Lettie doesn't ask for help, but she's in there a good eight minutes, during which time Patrice attempts to breathe through Caleb buys a hot dog from a vendor on the corner, consumes the her nose as minimally as possible. When Aunt Lettie finally whole thing in about 10 seconds, then goes back to buy another. emerges, Patrice passes back the cane, squares her shoulders— Twenty feet from them, a street performer, a magician in an she'd rather eat glass than what she's about to do—and enters the Uncle Sam costume, sets up and begins his tricks, and they one Aunt Lettie just exited. She tries to let none of her skin or watch him without moving closer; the crowd that assembles in clothing touch any surface, an unlikely goal given that she's front of him soon obscures their view. wearing a knee-length shearling coat. She lays strips of toilet paper—of course it's a thin, cheap brand and hard to tug off the When Patrice checks around for Aunt Lettie, her aunt is facing roll—onto the seat and perches there. The smell from down the White House again, and Patrice is surprised to see that tears below—human shit inadequately concealed by an industrial- strength disinfectant—is unignorable, and she starts to gag. are running down her cheeks. Their eyes meet, and Aunt Lettie Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, she thinks. Oh, how she hates says, "A black family is going to live in there, Patty. Did you porta-potties. But somehow, because all moments eventually do, ever think we'd see the day? That brave man and his strong, this one passes. She stands. To open the porta-potty's door, she beautiful wife and those two little girls—" Aunt Lettie shakes her head. "The world those girls will grow up in, they'll have no bends her index and middle fingers and turns the lock with her knuckles. And then—fresh air! Thank God! She does actually idea there was a time when you were told you didn't count just gag once as she steps back into the light, but it's practically a for the color of your skin. God bless that family, Patty." relief-gag now that the ordeal is finished. 1931—that's the year Aunt Lettie was born, and Patrice's mother was born two years later. Aunt Lettie was 23, married and When she has rejoined the others, Caleb holds something out to her and says, "You want this?" She looks from his face—that pregnant with Janet when Brown v. the Board of Education was distracting pierced lip—to his hand and sees that it's a clear, decided, 33 during the march on Washington. Patrice knows travel-size container of Purell. She accepts it, and when she's from having heard her mother talk about it that they all watched squeezed out a dollop, and then a second dollop for good King's speech on the living room television in Aunt Lettie and Uncle Ernest's half of the duplex; Patrice was 3 and has no measure, she thinks that Caleb has just become her favorite memory of it. And then Aunt Lettie was 37—still much younger person in the world. than Patrice is now—when King was shot. Who could have imagined Barack Obama then? And Patrice thinks, as she almost Coming tomorrow: Our novella concludes with inaugural always does when considering Obama's election, Let it be as smooching and political sea change. good as we hope. Don't let there be some shard of horror mixed in. Let him be, at worst, unexceptional, let people criticize him in the ways and for the reasons Carter or Clinton were criticized— because they were, in the end, only men. Let Obama be an ordinary president, not a cautionary tale, not a symbol, and please, please not a tragedy. From: Curtis Sittenfeld Subject: A New Nation Posted Tuesday, January 20, 2009, at 7:23 AM ET Aunt Lettie doesn't particularly seem to be waiting for an answer, and so Patrice doesn't give one; instead, she sets her hand on Aunt Lettie's back and leaves it there for nearly a Listen to Curtis Sittenfeld read Part 5 of her novella here: minute. You can also download the MP3 file directly here or listen The four of them, she and Aunt Lettie and Bruce and Caleb, are through Slate's Audio Book Club podcast iTunes feed. crossing H Street, heading back up 16th, when Patrice spots the porta-potties—six in a row, set at the edge of the sidewalk. Walking around yesterday and today, they've passed plenty of

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 38/116 HBO. Think you could look into getting us a cut-rate? I'd be Late Monday afternoon, while Patrice is sitting in the living Caleb's hero." room checking her BlackBerry (the living room couch is where she slept last night—she had a feeling both she and Aunt Lettie Dryly, Patrice says, "I'll talk to my supervisor." would get more rest not in the same bed), Bruce offers to make dinner. He asks whether they eat seafood. "Some," Patrice says. Bruce lifts the lid off the water, peers in, then sets the lid back in He proposes clams with red sauce, which sounds fine to her—it's place. "Watched pots, right?" he says. "So how about the fish she's not crazy about—and fine to Aunt Lettie, too, when personal side of things—you married, single, attached, kids, no Patrice checks. Together, Patrice and Bruce walk to a grocery kids?" store on 17th and Corcoran. In addition to the clams, which he buys canned, he gets crushed tomatoes, a bulb of garlic, an onion, a bunch of parsley, a box of spaghetti, and two $10 Is he hitting on her? While Aunt Lettie and his teenage son are bottles of red wine, and in the checkout line, with little no more than a room away, while they all await tomorrow's discussion, they split the total. At the apartment, she sets the historical milestone? And if he is, isn't that awfully tacky? "No table while he puts water on to boil and chops the vegetables. kids," she says. "Not married." Aunt Lettie is in the bedroom talking on her cell phone to her son Steve, and Caleb is sequestered in the other bedroom doing "Divorced?" Patrice has no idea what, though a good bet, based on observing him so far, would be listening to his iPod. She shakes her head.

Bruce turns on the radio on Gretchen J. Shumacher's stereo, "Lucky you," he says. "Divorce is brutal. When Deb and I split, winding the knob until he settles on a station—jazz erupts into it took me a good two, three years to get back on my feet, and it the kitchen, dining room, and living room, which are one open wasn't even that I thought we should stay together. But it just space—and Patrice is struck by Bruce's ability to make himself shakes you to the core." at home here; left to her own devices, she wouldn't even change the radio station, or at least not without taking note of where it "Caleb is an only child?" was set to before. Bruce also helps himself to Gretchen J. Shumacher's olive oil, which he uses to sauté the garlic and "Light of my life. He's shy, obviously, but what a great kid. My onions, and to her herbs, which are lined up in a cabinet. He proudest accomplishment." pours himself and Patrice each a glass of wine and, while stirring the contents of the skillet, he says, "You like to cook?" Shy? Really? Patrice thinks. Not surly? But she says, "It was nice of him to share his Purell today." "I don't do it that often," Patrice confesses. She is finished setting the table and has taken a seat at one of the stools pulled up to the counter dividing the kitchen and dining room. "I work "Yeah, those porta-potties kinda seemed to freak you out. You a long hours." germaphobe?"

"Yeah?" Bruce says. "You a lawyer by any chance?" "Not exactly."

She laughs. "I'm pretty sure you don't mean that as a "But maybe a little?" Bruce smiles again. She's not sure about compliment." It's strange, a reminder like this of how they hardly his bushy mustache, but he has a nice smile, the smile of a man know each other—unconnected to whether she likes him at all, with no mean or manipulative inclinations. He's corny, but he's she has over the course of the day become accustomed to his not stupid and, his HBO comment notwithstanding, he really presence. She says, "But no, I'm not a lawyer. I do strategic doesn't seem to want anything from her except inaugural planning for Comcast." conviviality; he'd be this friendly to anyone else he and Caleb had ended up sharing the apartment with. "Ah, a corporate muckety-muck." Before they eat, Aunt Lettie gives a rambling grace, asking Jesus to watch over the soul and spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. as "Somehow I haven't convinced them to put that on my business well as over the Obamas, her own family, and Bruce and Caleb, card." and though Patrice has an inkling their dinner companions are Jewish, they seem to accept the blessing in the spirit in which it's Bruce smiles. "But not for lack of trying?" Then he says, "I'm a intended. When Aunt Lettie is finished, Bruce raises his wine humble middle school science teacher who can't even afford and says, "To tomorrow."

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 39/116 They all clink glasses. Aunt Lettie is having orange juice—she "There's no way my aunt would agree to climb in a grocery cart isn't supposed to drink because of her blood pressure and be pushed along the sidewalk for two miles. Besides, don't medication—but Caleb actually is having wine. Though Patrice you think the cart must be some homeless person's prized didn't say anything when Bruce poured Caleb half a glass, her possession?" surprise must have been obvious, because Bruce said cheerfully, "Studies show that teens who have alcohol with their parents "The back of the building is closed off. It didn't look to me like a have much less chance of becoming problem drinkers." cart that's in active use."

The spaghetti and clams aren't bad. For dessert, they polish off "But it still must belong to someone." Aunt Lettie's lemon squares, and when Patrice says she'll wash the dishes, Bruce says, "I've got a better deal for you. I'll wash "Patty, for Christ's sake, it's not a family heirloom! A grocery 'em if you keep me company." cart is by definition stolen goods."

She agrees, and he opens the second bottle of wine. (Does Aunt It is in this moment of Bruce's frustration with her that Patrice Lettie raise her eyebrows at Patrice before retiring to the recognizes the potential wisdom of his idea. Also, the kindness bedroom, or is Patrice imagining it?) After the dishes are clean of it. Why should he care if Aunt Lettie gets exhausted and Bruce has carried the trash to the dumpster behind the tomorrow? building, he comes back inside rosy-cheeked and says, "I have a sneaky plan. Have you ever seen the Lincoln Memorial at night?" "She might be offended," Patrice says, "but I guess we ought to try. She could use a chair to climb in, I suppose. You haven't noticed a stepladder anywhere in the apartment, have you?" She shakes her head. "I'll poke around when we get back." "How about if we let Caleb and Aunt Lettie baby-sit each other and we go for a stroll?" They both are quiet, walking down New Hampshire Avenue, and Patrice says, "I should have arranged to have a wheelchair for "Wouldn't Caleb like to go?" her, or I'm sure she's eligible for special transportation even if I'm not." "Nah, he was already bitching about the cold today." "Don't be too hard on yourself," Bruce says. "None of us knew Is it the wine that makes her say yes? Not that she's the only one what we were getting into here, right?" drinking tonight. As they walk through Dupont Circle, the restaurants and bars, which are allowed to stay open late for the rd At Washington Circle, they turn onto 23 Street, and the Lincoln inauguration, are crowded and noisy. Memorial first comes into view as they cross Constitution Avenue; they're approaching it from the side. People are milling Bruce says, "One of the reasons I wanted to get you out of the around outside the monument as if it were the middle of a apartment is I have an idea to run by you. When I was taking the summer afternoon, and when she and Bruce have made their trash out, I saw a grocery cart by the dumpster. Would it sound way around to the front, Bruce says, "Doesn't it give you goose crazy if I suggested we get Aunt Lettie down to the Mall by bumps? What's his line from the Gettysburg Address—'a new pushing her in it?" nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.' That's the country we're meant to "What, like she's a sack of potatoes?" be, not this bullshit of the last eight years."

"Bear with me a second," Bruce says. "It's not ideal, but when Patrice hesitates, then she says, "I guess I go between feeling we walked to the White House today, I noticed it really took it really hopeful and really cynical. I want to be hopeful." out of her. If we're getting to the Mall early tomorrow morning, and then standing around for five hours, I'm concerned she's "What's stopping you?" going to collapse. Now, have I mentioned how cool I think it is that Aunt Lettie knocked herself out to come to the She laughs. "You mean besides common sense? inauguration? We should all have that spunk when we're her age." "All I know is I'd rather be optimistic and wrong than pessimistic and right."

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 40/116 She is on the cusp of saying, Is that from a bumper sticker? but The sun rises during the hour and a half they're in the security something makes her pause. She glances at Bruce's profile— line, which seems to increase the temperature slightly. Once slightly bulbous nose, bushy mustache—and she thinks that they're past security, Patrice grips Aunt Lettie's wrist as they maybe he has a point. It's less because it really is true than weave through the crowd on the Mall, and they finally find a because she wishes it were that, very softly, she says, "Yeah, I'd place with a Jumbotron view where three of them could rather that, too." comfortably stand and the four of them must bunch together. "Lean on me if you get tired," Patrice says to Aunt Lettie. Bruce turns then, his gaze meeting hers. "Are you cold?" he says. "You look cold." There is in his voice something An a capella group that Patrice can hear but not see is singing protective, something private even. There's probably a gesture or "We Shall Overcome," and she feels in her chest an expansive a comment she could make now—it wouldn't need to be much— happiness, an anticipation, of the sort she probably hasn't and he'd kiss her. experienced since college. Her feet are freezing. An hour passes, another hour, and then time slows to increasingly shorter She doesn't do whatever it is. She considers it, and she doesn't increments—35 minutes there, 10 here. The closer they get to rule it out for later (she has then an abrupt vision of herself the swearing-in, the more impatient Patrice grows. visiting Nebraska, deplaning with a wheeled suitcase, drinking wine while Bruce prepares their dinner, riding around in his It is 10 minutes to 11, then 5 to 11, 10 after 11. Patrice wants to car—is Lincoln where the Sand Hills are, or is that a different see Barack Obama standing there with his hand on the Bible, she part of the state?), but she decides to hold this possibility at bay wants it official, no going back, a new reality. Also, she wants to for at least a little longer. Her brand new optimistic outlook see what Michelle Obama's wearing. She wants discrimination to doesn't have to be synonymous with impulsivity; she's still, after end, and she wants to find a spotlessly clean porta-potty to use all, herself. "I'm not cold," she says. "I'm good." She gestures after the ceremony, and she wants her mother, wherever she is, toward the brightly lit monument. "Should we keep going?" to know about today. Under the big sky, in the cold morning, everything mundane and sacred blends, the past and the future, **** the immediate and the intangible, the individual and the crowd. All of her regrets, all of her hopes. She is hung over—hung over—on Inauguration Day. How can this be? She hasn't been hung over since business school! Yes, "Aunt Lettie," she says, and when her aunt turns, she says, it's only 5 a.m. when she rises to shower before helping Aunt "Thank you for getting me here." Lettie dress, but Patrice has no one except herself to blame for her dry mouth and pounding head. Bruce brings the grocery cart "Baby, you're welcome." Aunt Lettie's expression is around from the back—Aunt Lettie didn't object at all when mischievous; she's holding up well. "Janet doesn't know what Patrice mentioned it, which seems a sign of just what a toll all she's missing, does she? Squeezed into a two-piece bathing suit, this walking around is taking—and they do use a chair for her to having herself a piña colada." climb into it because they never found a stepladder. She sits with her legs tented out in front of her, and at the last minute Bruce All around them, for as far as Patrice can see, people in hats and throws in a blanket for warmth, even though that means either he scarves and gloves are waiting for the Bushes and the Obamas to or Patrice will have to carry it after they ditch the cart. "You emerge from the Capitol building; on the Jumbotron, even the look as regal as Cleopatra," Bruce tells Aunt Lettie, and Patrice dignitaries in their fancy clothes, who have actual seats up there cringes, but only a little. on the Capitol steps, seem restless. It's unmistakable, Patrice thinks. Something big is about to happen. Although the sun hasn't yet risen as they make their way toward the Mall, already the streets are crowded—Patrice suspects a lot of these people never went to bed last night. People appear tickled by Aunt Lettie's mode of transportation. They hold up their hands for high fives or call, "Go, Granny, go!" fighting words

th Don't Let the Mullahs Run Out the Clock At the Mall, east of 14 Street, they can see the long security Obama must talk directly to the Iranian people. lines, and they decide to abandon the cart. Bruce, who couldn't By Christopher Hitchens be more than 5-foot-8, basically lifts Aunt Lettie out, and Patrice Monday, February 16, 2009, at 1:52 PM ET has a momentary panic that both he and Aunt Lettie will end up flat on the pavement, but it doesn't happen. Surely it's too much to hope the grocery cart will still be there after the swearing-in; It's strange how some totalitarian types feel the urge to be blunt surely, if it wasn't already a homeless person's prized possession, and honest, even almost confessional. I call as my witness the that's what it's about to become. senior member of the Robert Mugabe coterie who was quoted in

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 41/116 the New York Times on Feb. 11 concerning the sham swearing-in (Bahrain) with a large Shiite population and a close geographical of Morgan Tsvangirai as prime minister of Zimbabwe. After the propinquity to Iran. Already you hear the odd rumble in hard- ceremony, according to Celia W. Dugger's report: line circles in Tehran to the effect that Bahrain ought properly to be part of the Persian motherland. Imagine if Saddam Hussein [A] veteran ZANU-PF official who belongs to had acquired a nuke before invading Kuwait. (This is why so the party's politburo said of Mr. Tsvangirai, many Arab governments and newspapers have been so tepid speaking on the understanding that he would about supporting Iran's proxies Hamas and Hezbollah in the not be quoted by name: "He will not last. I most recent confrontations with Israel.) swear to you. We just want to buy time." Faced with the appalling contingency of regional nuclear I thought that I knew that, but it's often useful to have one's bullying disguised as "strategic ambiguity," the Bush suspicions confirmed. administration managed, as so often, to achieve the worst of both worlds. It used to be that Bush officials, when asked about Now, does anyone—I mean anyone at all—imagine that the Tehran's nuclear ambitions, would reply in a dark and meaningful manner, "We will not leave this problem to the next Iranian government's flirtation with "direct talks" is anything— administration." But, as you may have noticed … Still, one has anything at all—but a precisely similar attempt to run out the to hope that the Obama administration does not make the clock while the centrifuges spin and to buy (or, more accurately, opposite mistake and substitute a "make nice" policy for a policy to waste) time until sufficient fissile material is ready and the mask can be thrown off? that displayed neither soft speech nor the big stick. In that instance also, the Iranian reactors continued to hum and the centrifuges to whirl while in the wings, the missiles were also Estimates differ, but it seems quite plausible that Iran will be being acquired or tested (and something very odd was happening able to make some such announcement before the end of this at a North Korean-built Syrian reactor site nearby). year. That would mean that all international agreements, all negotiations with bodies like the European Union, all The idea of direct and transparent negotiations with the Iranians "inspections" by the International Atomic Energy Agency had is not wrong in principle, but it depends on which Iranians are been, in effect, farcical and void. It would mean being laughed at the actual or potential partners. The president can address the by the mullahs in the here and now. And it would involve, for Iranian people directly if he chooses, from the podium of the the rest of the future, having to treat them with exaggerated politeness. What a wonderful world that would be. United Nations (as I urged Bush to do). He can tell them that just as the United States can and will help them to build civilian nuclear reactors, so it will not stand still and watch all Iran's For decades, we have wondered what might happen when or if agreements with international bodies be flagrantly broken. He an apocalyptic weapon came into the hands of a messianic group can tell them that the mullahs' sponsorship of Hezbollah and or irrational regime. We are surely now quite close to finding Hamas is a reason for Iran's continued isolation. He can add—as out. I am not one of those who believe that the mullahs will I've suggested before—that in its zeal for armaments, the immediately try to incinerate the Jewish state. This is for several theocracy has been culpably negligent in preparing Iran and its reasons. First, the Iranian theocracy is fat and corrupt and runs a people for the likelihood of a serious earthquake in the next few potentially wealthy country in such a way as to enrich only years and that the United States stands ready to share its itself. A nuclear conflict with Israel would be—in a grimly seismological expertise in the here and now. literal sense—the very last thing that it would embark upon. Second, and even taking into account the officially messianic and jihadist rhetoric of the regime, it remains the case that a There are, in other words, several options and stages in between the polar opposites of confrontation with Iran and mute passivity thermonuclear weapon detonated on the Zionist foe would also in the face of clerical defiance of international law. But the time annihilate the Palestinians and destroy the Al-Aqsa mosque. in which this "space" can be employed is diminishing, and it (Even Saddam Hussein at his craziest recognized this fact, ought to be clearly stated and understood that if a confrontation promising with uncharacteristic modesty only to "burn up half of Israel" with the weapons of mass destruction that he then does arise, it will not have been of Obama's making. boasted of possessing.)

Nor, I think, would the mullahs hand over their hard-won nuclear devices to a proxy party such as Hezbollah or seek to make a nuclear confrontation with the United States or Western foreigners Europe. What they almost certainly will do, however, is use the Europe to America: We Surrender! possession of nuclear weapons for some sort of nuclear Helpless and divided, Europeans wait for Washington and Beijing to save blackmail against the neighboring gulf states, most of them Arab them. and Sunni rather than Persian and Shiite, but at least one of them

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 42/116 By Eric Le Boucher Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 5:28 PM ET Our inaction will cost us far more dearly in the long term if the market begins to doubt the ability of weaker states to handle significant debt—or if the market questions the willingness of We've known all along that the first test of the European Union local populations to accept the hardships that debt brings with it: would be a recession. And now we have one—a great recession, slashed budgets for investment projects and social services. Will perhaps even a depression. But the union isn't rising to the the people not just understand but accept and submit to such occasion. As the crisis unfolds, Europe is caught up in small- cuts? There is no statute mandating that Europe as a whole come time squabbles. As unemployment grows, politicians do nothing to the rescue of a state that defaults on its loans. We'd have to but point fingers. throw something together in a hurry, and even then we couldn't necessarily prevent a ripple effect. Once the market smells It's as if the European Union, in the middle of a war, had decided blood, it'll prey on the weak: after Greece, Ireland and then to lay down its arms. Helpless and divided, we rely on others— Portugal. on the United States and China—to overcome the crisis. Each member country can think only of saving its own banks, its own French President Nicolas Sarkozy has spoken publicly about the auto industry; there's no comprehensive plan of action. We're consequences of European disunity. But we're far from patching up holes, waiting around for America to save the day addressing the problem. God forbid we give Greece $50 billion with a substantive solution. Just like 1944. or $60 billion! For now, Germany categorically refuses to cough up the cash. Will it take the International Monetary Fund to The numbers speak for themselves: All the European plans restore order in the euro zone? That would be shameful. combined reach $354 billion, or nearly 1.1 percent of gross domestic product. The Chinese plan, by contrast, adds up to This crisis is an opportunity to develop a truly federal economic $580 billion, or 7 percent of GDP over two years. And the U.S. and fiscal policy. Could that still happen? I don't think so. We're Congress recently authorized an $850 billion stimulus, 6 percent just waiting for the Americans and the Chinese. of GDP. In France, we've been bickering over a measly $33 billion: Should we help businesses or stimulate the economy by This article first appeared in Slate.fr under the headline giving directly to consumers? The truth is, we're not interested in "L'Europe défaille dans la crise." It was translated by Juliet crafting a macroeconomic plan. We're just waiting around for Lapidos. Washington or Beijing to save us.

Last Monday, while Barack Obama fought for a second bank- rescue plan in addition to the fiscal stimulus, EU member states discussed the possibility of discussing the possibility of acting in foreigners unison. In response to a request from France and Germany, the president of the union, the Czech prime minister, announced an They Kill Journalists, Don't They? Why is a U.N. diplomat comparing Somali journalists to Rwandan war April "summit." But he didn't set an exact date or lay out a criminals? precise program beyond discussing the valuation of toxic assets. By Anna Husarska Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 11:20 AM ET So as not to be outdone, the chairman of the Eurogroup, Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker of Luxemburg, lamented that "European countries have been developing plans and programs in isolation" without even minimal consultation with other member nations. "We need better coordination," he said. Indeed we do. NAIROBI, Kenya—Somalia has the sad distinction of being the quintessential failed state. It is also one of the most "There are currently 16 national fiscal and monetary policies in underreported disasters in the world. The one phenomenon that Europe," said Patrick Artus of Natixis. Laurence Boone and penetrates international headlines—piracy—is the offshore Raoul Salomon of Barclays Capital suggest that "Europe has symptom of a land-based problem. missed the opportunity to take concrete steps forward." As Europe stumbles, the weakest countries have seen their Apart from the toll of the civil war and clan infighting, natural "spreads" (interest rates on debt in comparison with disasters—droughts, floods, sometimes both—and the resulting Germany's—the standard) rise two or three points. The cost to famine can lead to more deaths in a volatile country like the taxpayers of these countries will be $38 billion. Small Somalia. If the mass migration of internally displaced persons change, by today's standards! Did we really think that this same fleeing the conflict or crisis is not reported, international amount could fund a complete recovery program?

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 43/116 humanitarian groups are unable to mobilize their resources to injured when he was stabbed while attending a "reconciliation provide help. meeting" between two rival clans.

News is scarce because journalism is a deadly profession in But the slanderous comparison of Somali reporters to Rwandan Somalia. Organizations such as Reporters Sans Frontières and war criminals was not the last of the U.N. representative's the Committee To Protect Journalists have consistently outrages. highlighted the situation there. Since 2007, 12 journalists have been killed in Somalia, Africa's deadliest country for the news Even more un-U.N.-ish was Ould-Abdallah's call to ban all media. So far this year, two journalists have been gunned down: media reports: "[T]he time has come for [a] one-month truce on In January, a reporter from Radio Shabelle and in February, Said reporting till there is double-, triple-checking, because Somalia Tahlil Ahmed, the director of HornAfrik, one of Somalia's is exceptional. We have to have exceptional checking of the leading privately owned radio stations. news," he said.

It is therefore most unsettling, to say the least, when a special Imposing a gag order is contrary to Article 19 of the Declaration representative of the secretary-general of the United Nations for of Human Rights, which covers freedom of expression. The Somalia, Ahmedou Ould-Abdallah, speaks about the work of International Federation of Journalists called this intended news Somali journalists in highly derogatory, indeed inflammatory blackout "ill-thought out and counterproductive." Somalia's terms. warring factions already try to muzzle the local media—this is amply documented by media watchdogs. When a U.N. diplomat Here is what happened: On Feb. 2, a suicide bomber in does the same thing, the intention is to silence the messenger. Mogadishu targeted Ugandan soldiers from the African Union Mission in Somalia (AMISOM). Local media then reported that Moreover, given the lack of security in Somalia, demanding that following the bomb blast, AMISOM troops reacted by shooting facts be triple-checked is to set unrealistic standards and—what indiscriminately, possibly killing civilians in the area. Reliable is worse—could be deadly. sources told Human Rights Watch that at least 13 Somalis were killed and at least 15 more were wounded by the bomb blast and In the humanitarian community—to which I migrated from the ensuing gunfire. "Most of the dead, many or all of whom were world of pure journalism—our operating space is also shrinking civilians, were killed by gunfire," says the HRW report. due to security concerns, and Somalia is among the most dangerous places in the world. In 2008, two dozen aid workers The next day, in an interview with Voice of America, U.N. were reported killed in Somalia, and this year, two employees of Special Representative Ould-Abdallah declared that he did not the World Food Program were shot dead, while four employees know the exact details of the events in Mogadishu; however, he of Action Against Hunger and two European Commission- said of reports of the incident: "What happened is to divert contracted pilots are currently being held hostage along with attention from what is going on here, and as usual to use the around 20 other humanitarian workers. media to repeat Radio Mille Collines, to repeat the genocide in Rwanda." Journalists and aid workers are part of Somalia's civil society. As such, they often receive death threats and are accused of This is very serious. interference and bias by all sides of the conflict. These threats and accusations should not be left to stand, even—indeed, To compare journalists to génocidaires—Rwandan war especially—if they come from a U.N. diplomat. criminals—is irresponsible given the tense atmosphere on the ground and the risks that all Somali journalists face when doing their jobs.

Ould-Abdallah's statement "motivates the criminals and warlords foreigners who have been committing unpunished crimes against Witless Protection journalists to keep on their merciless war against media," said We're all free traders now. So why are protectionist policies so popular? Omar Faruk Osman, head of the respected National Union of By Anne Applebaum Somali Journalists. Monday, February 16, 2009, at 7:58 PM ET

The day after Ould-Abdallah's interview, the director of Some think the New Deal rescued the United States from HornAfrik was murdered in Mogadishu. Three days later, the economic crisis in the 1930s. Others argue precisely the director of a provincial station, Radio Abudwaq, was seriously opposite. But whatever their ideology and whatever their credentials, most of the pundits, historians, and economists who

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 44/116 debate the Great Depression agree about one thing: Whatever States, started with the automobile industry—but if cars, then may have caused the crisis, protectionism, trade barriers, and, why not other industries, too? Some British banks, meanwhile, yes, the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act helped ensure that it lasted as have quietly told their employees not to invest abroad. long as it did. So uncontroversial is this view that it is virtually U.S. government policy. "To this day," intones a State Whatever the finance ministers might say, all these measures Department Web site, "the phrase 'Smoot-Hawley' remains a are, of course, extremely popular, and political parties of all watchword for the perils of protectionism." stripes have capitalized on them wherever possible. The U.S. Congress put its nonsensical "Buy American … as long as no With equal solemnity, government officials everywhere are now trade laws are broken" clause into the stimulus bill, thus echoing that sentiment. Last weekend, the finance ministers of guaranteeing that every infrastructure investment be the G-7 once again swore fealty to the official anti-tariff mantra, accompanied by a flood of extra paperwork. A Spanish minister announcing that they remain "committed to avoiding has called on his nation to "Buy Spanish." In England, the most protectionist measures, which would only exacerbate the popular strikers' slogan is now "British jobs for British workers." downturn." U.S. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner agreed: "All Expect more than one political leader, on more than one countries need to sustain a commitment to open trade and continent, to rise to power in the next few years riding a wave of investment policies which are essential to economic growth." So protectionist sentiment. did his German colleague: "We will have to do everything to ensure history does not repeat itself." But this should surprise no one. After all, Smoot-Hawley was popular. At the time of its passage, more than 1,000 economists This is all very well—except that there are many ways to pursue of all ideologies signed a petition against it. Since then, protectionist policies, and rest assured that someone, historians have reckoned it reinforced the global slump: Between somewhere, is right now trying every single one of them. New 1929 and 1934, world trade declined by 66 percent. Still, the tariffs are already in force, for example, in Russia, where politicians of the 1930s knew which way the popular winds were especially high ones have destroyed the previously thriving blowing—and those of the present know, too. There is no need used-car import business (and thus inspired used-car salesmen to to hold any further G-7 meetings to warn against the perils of a stage a series of unusually violent protests). Rumors of more protectionist world: We're living in one already. tariffs pending—in Brazil, in the Philippines—are haunting the steel industry trade press. Still, these are minor infractions. The real story, over the next several years, will be the spread of more carefully camouflaged protectionism—measures, some legal and some not, deliberately designed to help one nation's workers or gabfest companies at the expense of those next-door. The Friendly Taliban Gabfest Listen to Slate's review of the week in politics. These kinds of games are already being played stealthily in By Emily Bazelon, John Dickerson, and David Plotz Europe, where, despite the pious recitations of G-7 finance Friday, February 20, 2009, at 12:26 PM ET ministers—and despite the free-trade rules that are supposed to be enforced by the European Union—almost everyone is seeking to protect domestic industry as fast as they can. The French have Listen to the Gabfest for Feb. 20 by clicking the arrow on the not only thrown heavy subsidies at their automobile industry, audio player below: they have made it crystal clear that the money is to be spent in France. "If we are to give financial assistance to the auto You can also download the program here, or you can subscribe industry, we don't want to see another factory being moved to to the weekly Gabfest podcast feed in iTunes by clicking here. the Czech Republic," declared French President Nicolas Sarkozy, failing to note that the Czechs and the French Get your 14-day free trial of Gabfest sponsor Audible.com, theoretically share the same free-trade zone with open borders. which includes a credit for one free audio book, here. This Meanwhile, the Slovaks, who live in the same free-trade zone, week's suggestion comes from David. It's David Grann's The have declared that if the French try anything funny in Slovakia, Lost City of Z, which will be released soon. they're going to "send Gaz de France packing." Emily Bazelon, John Dickerson, and David Plotz talk politics. The Germans, whose economy depends heavily on exports, This week: President Obama announces his home-foreclosure often object to all this—but they are quietly playing a subtler plan, Eric Holder talks about race, and the Uighurs get their day game, offering special loans to German companies, for example, in court. through German banks that the German government now partly owns. The Spanish have also joined in, with subsidies for President Barack Obama presented his $75 billion housing- Spanish companies, as have the Swedes. Both, like the United rescue plan. With thousands of Americans losing their homes

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 45/116 each week, the group debates whether the plan will help ease the Get your 14-day free trial of Gabfest sponsor Audible.com, crisis. Some people are angry that the Obama plan would help which includes a credit for one free audio book, here. This some homeowners who should never have received a mortgage week's suggestion for an Audible book comes from John. It's the in the first place. Bailing them out of a bad debt creates moral Lincoln-Douglas Debates, narrated by David Strathairn and hazard—rash behavior by people sheltered from the negative Richard Dreyfuss. effects of their actions. Another challenge is keeping people out of financial difficulty once their home loans have been modified. Emily Bazelon, John Dickerson, and David Plotz talk politics. According to the comptroller of the currency, more than half of This week: The stimulus package passes, President Barack the loans modified by 14 of the nation's largest banks last year Obama holds his first news conference, and the State Secrets Act were delinquent again after just six months. lives on.

Without fanfare, President Obama quietly announced that he is Here are links to some of the articles and other items mentioned sending 17,000 additional troops to Afghanistan. The in the show: announcement came as Pakistan revealed a deal with Taliban leaders in the Swat Valley. Under the deal, a form of Sharia law The group discussed whether more accidents occur on Friday the will be enforced there. th 13 . Back in 1998, Atul Gawande wrote a story for Slate looking at studies on this phenomenon. U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder sparked a controversy this week when he called Americans "cowards" when it comes to The stimulus bill heads for a final vote in both houses of race. Holder said Americans should have more conversations Congress after more than 24 hours of bargaining. David says it's about race relations. Emily says those discussions should be a messy bill. Lefties find the package too small, while at least expanded to include class as well. some right-wing conservatives think there should be no stimulus package at all. Emily says Obama won this round, but it was not Attorneys for 17 Chinese Uighurs have lost another round in a great victory. their effort to have the men released from Guantanamo Bay. John says the debate over the stimulus package was not very David chatters about Slate contributor Christopher Hitchens, transparent, despite Obama's promise of open government. who was beaten up in Lebanon this week after defacing a poster Obama has managed to galvanize Republicans, who had felt put up bya neo-Nazi group. deflated by the November elections.

Emily talks about A-Rod, otherwise known as Alex Rodriguez, Obama held the first news conference of his presidency this who apologized this week for having used steroids in the past. week. John says the president had hoped to convey a sense of At least some observers said the apology was not a sincere one. urgency about the economy, but his wonkish and sometimes long-winded answers diluted the effect. John chatters about www.recovery.gov, a Web site promoted by President Obama as an effort to bring transparency to Lawyers for the administration this week urged a federal court to government efforts to aid the ailing economy. John says the site throw out a lawsuit that accused an American contractor of is rather lame, but he hopes it will improve as the recovery helping the CIA to fly terror suspects overseas to be tortured. program begins to take effect. The lawyers took the same position argued by the Bush administration last year: that national security would be The e-mail address for the Political Gabfest is jeopardized if the case went forward. Emily says such blanket [email protected] .(E-mail may be quoted by name unless the arguments are sometimes used to disguise government writer stipulates otherwise.) malfeasance rather than to protect government secrets.

Posted on Feb. 20 by Dale Willman at 12:26 p.m. David chatters about a photo gallery in Slate by Camilo Jose Vergara that presents pictures of a statue of Abraham Lincoln Listen to the Gabfest for Feb. 13 by clicking the arrow on the that has been on display for more than 80 years. The pictures audio player below: show how art can live on as part of a wider community.

Emily talks about a new book, Equal: Women Reshape American Law. She says the first third of the book discusses You can also download the program here, or you can subscribe Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's career as a young to the weekly Gabfest podcast feed in iTunes by clicking here. litigator. Ginsburg was determined to make the courts think

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 46/116 about discrimination against women. Ginsburg is currently job. David says it's important to understand Garrett Hardin's recovering from surgery for pancreatic cancer. economic theory, "the tragedy of the commons," and how it relates to the current situation. There are some things the public John chatters about reading a New York Times story and needs and government should provide, but Obama needs to realizing that blowing one's nose isn't as simple as it seems. couch such spending proposals in terms of meeting the public According to the story, when you have a cold, it's better either good—as things like the National Endowment for the Arts not to blow your nose at all or to blow it gently, one nostril at a already do. time. John also talks about a Web photo essay that, he says, brings home just how the current economic situation has ruined Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle withdrew his lives and turned whole communities upside-down. nomination to be secretary of health and human services this week because of tax issues. Obama quickly accepted blame in The e-mail address for the Political Gabfest is TV interviews, saying he screwed up in not recognizing how [email protected].(E-mail may be quoted by name unless the such problems would be perceived by the public. writer stipulates otherwise.) Daschle was not the only nominee to face problems this week. Posted on Feb. 13 by Dale Willman at 11:24 a.m. Nancy Killefer also withdrew her nomination to be the government's chief performance officer, because of a failure to Listen to the Gabfest for Feb. 6 by clicking the arrow on the pay a relatively small amount of taxes for household help. There audio player below: are now tax-related questions concerning Rep. Hilda Solis, Obama's nominee to head the Labor Department.

Conservative commentator William Kristol has ended his regular You can also download the program here, or you can subscribe column in the New York Times. Now the speculation begins on to the weekly Gabfest podcast feed in iTunes by clicking here. who should replace Kristol, but Slate's Jack Shafer thinks the answer is simple: no one. Get your 14-day free trial of Gabfest sponsor Audible.com, which includes a credit for one free audio book, here. This David chatters about a lawsuit filed against artist Shepard Fairey week's suggestion for an Audible book comes from David. It's by the Associated Press. Fairey is the artist responsible for the Robert Fagle's translation of Homer's Odyssey, read by Ian now-famous Obama "Hope" image. Fairey acknowledges that he McKellen. used an AP photograph as the basis of his work. The AP says it owns the copyright and wants the artist to provide the organization with credit and compensation for its use. Emily Bazelon, John Dickerson, and David Plotz talk politics. This week, they discuss the state of the Obama administration after its worst day so far, Tom Daschle's hasty retreat, and Emily talks about the health of Supreme Court Associate Justice William Kristol's exit from the New York Times' op-ed page. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ginsburg has been hospitalized for treatment of pancreatic cancer. She expects to be back on the bench in a few weeks. Here are links to some of the articles and other items mentioned in the show: John chatters about the mystery surrounding a portrait that appears to be of President Obama painted when he was in his As Congress struggles to craft an economic stimulus package, early 20s. So far, the White House has not commented on the some Democrats are beginning to criticize the original House painting's authenticity. The back of the painting bears the plan as too costly. Some critics are blaming President Barack Obama, but John points out that the bill was produced by the inscription, "Barack Obama (casual attire)." Democrats in the House, not by Obama. David applauds the careful deliberation; the 258-page House bill has a number of The e-mail address for the Political Gabfest is things that could be removed. Among them is money targeted [email protected].(E-mail may be quoted by name unless the for Filipino World War II veterans, an addition David says writer stipulates otherwise.) makes the package smell like it's full of earmarks and special dealing. Posted on Feb. 6 by Dale Willman at 11:55 a.m.

The group briefly discusses a Slate "Moneybox" piece by Daniel Jan. 30, 2009 Gross, in which he points out that Republicans are trying to take what they consider a principled stand against the stimulus Listen to the Gabfest for Jan. 30 by clicking the arrow on the package, claiming that government spending has never created a audio player below:

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 47/116 You can also download the program here, or you can subscribe would go to the state. The provision became moot after to the weekly Gabfest podcast feed in iTunes by clicking here. Blagojevich was removed from office this week by the Illinois state Senate. Get your 14-day free trial of Gabfest sponsor Audible.com, which includes a credit for one free audio book, here. This The e-mail address for the Political Gabfest is week's suggestion for an Audible book comes from David. It's [email protected].(E-mail may be quoted by name unless the On the Origin of Species by Charles Darwin, read by writer stipulates otherwise.) evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Posted on Jan. 30 by Dale Willman at 11:25 a.m. Emily Bazelon, John Dickerson, and David Plotz talk politics. This week: the stimulus package, presidential drinking and legislative civility, and the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act. gaming Here are links to some of the articles and other items mentioned I Was Told There Would Be No Math in the show: Will KenKen be the next Sudoku or a passing puzzle fad? By Matt Gaffney The financial stimulus package passed the House of Friday, February 20, 2009, at 10:24 AM ET Representatives in a vote along party lines. David says that's partly because the rump Republicans (those Republicans left You are powerless to stop KenKen. Perhaps the new Japanese after the 2008 election) are more conservative than the arithmo-logical challenge, which debuted in the New York Times Republicans who lost their seats in November. The remaining on Feb. 8, will burrow into your brain on account of a significant Republicans don't want to be associated with the stimulus bill. other, who will plead for your help as she softly coos the game's Rather, they want to position themselves as fiscal conservatives. tantalizingly simple rules. Or maybe a boring subway ride will leave you staring at a discarded newspaper, from which an Public opinion polls, meanwhile, indicate that the public wants unsolved KenKen will silently beckon your understimulated bipartisanship in Washington. brain. However it goes down, don't try to resist. The marketing wheels, greased by the promise of Sudoku-style riches, are John talks about a visit by members of Congress to the White already in motion. New York Times puzzle maven Will Shortz House, where they were served appetizers and, more important, calls it "the most addictive puzzle since Sudoku." He'd better alcohol. He wonders whether having drinks together will break hope so, as Shortz has already put out a slew of books of this down some of the barriers between parties. computer-generated brain-mangler, with titles like Will Shortz Presents KenKen Easy to Hard Volume 3, Will Shortz Presents: President Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration I Can KenKen! Volume 1, and Will Shortz Presents the Little Act into law this week. The measure allows victims of pay Gift Book of KenKen. discrimination to file a complaint within 180 days of their last paycheck, rather than within 180 days of their first unfair What exactly is this new creature? Like Sudoku, KenKen is a paycheck. Emily says the measure is a thrilling development for simple game whose rules can be expressed in a couple of bullet those concerned with employment discrimination. points:

Emily chatters about a Slate piece by David J. Morris, in which  Fill the grid with digits so that no digit is repeated in a he outlines why the United States should close the military's row or column. In a 4-by-4 grid, you'll need to use the torture school, known by the acronym SERE. Morris is a former digits 1, 2, 3, and 4 in each row and column. In a 5-by-5 Marine officer who graduated from the SERE program. grid, you'll use 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5—and so on as the size of the grid increases. David talks about how Pope Benedict XVI recently revoked the excommunication of four bishops from a traditionalist sect. One of the four, Bishop Richard Williamson, recently said that he  Within each outlined set of boxes—these sets are called believes no more than 300,000 Jews died during World War II "cages"—use the given arithmetical operation to arrive and none of them in gas chambers. at the number indicated.

John chatters about a provision in the House stimulus package Here's a sample grid: that would have prevented disgraced Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from spending any of the stimulus money that

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 48/116 So, what to make of KenKen? While I'm confident that you won't be able to resist its charms the first or second time, no one knows whether it will stand up to repeated play over weeks, Take a look at the two-box cage in the upper-right of the months, or years. If anyone can start a puzzle craze, it's Shortz, diagram. Your goal is to place two digits in this cage such that but book sales are middling so far, and Shortz's very entertaining the difference between them is 1. You can subtract either YouTube video explaining the game has an OK-but-not-through- backward or forward—if you want to use the digits 1 and 2, it's the-roof 30,000 views. The shrinking newspaper market is also valid to put the 2 to the left of the 1 or the 1 to the left of the 2. much less fertile ground for a new puzzle than it was in 2005, In the three-box cage below it, you need to multiply three digits and it was newspaper syndication that facilitated the Sudoku to get 60. Since this is a 5-by-5 puzzle, there is only one explosion. (KenKen does appear in a couple of dozen papers potential combination that will work: 5, 4, and 3. It's up to you to already.) figure out what order the digits need to go in for the puzzle to be solved correctly. (To see the solution, click here.) Only time and the puzzle-solving public will determine KenKen's fate. The puzzle's marketers—a team that includes KenKen—tip for wannabe puzzle-craze instigators: the name Shortz—are wisely playing up the Japanese angle of the puzzle. was cleverly trademarked by its promoters to discourage too- Unlike Sudoku, popularized as a Japanese puzzle craze though blatant imitators—does share some features with Sudoku. Both invented in the 1970s by an architect from Indiana, KenKen demand high-powered deductive reasoning skills from solvers, really was created by an Asian fellow, a Tokyoite math teacher for example. The big difference between the two is that Sudoku named Tetsuya Miyamoto. We Americans tend to go for has nothing to do with math—you can play with symbols rather Japanese fads and trends (think Hello Kitty, karaoke, and than numbers—while KenKen requires some degree of Pokémon), so the product's exotic name and origins can't hurt. arithmetic skill, especially with larger puzzles. If you're solving (Sudoku languished in obscurity for decades in American puzzle a 9-by-9 grid, you may be required to multiply, say, 7 by 5 by 9 magazines, tagged with the unsexy name Number Place.) by 3 in your head. If the KenKen people are smart, they'll market a branded set of calculators for the mathematically impaired. So, should you KenKen? Sure, why not? I'm not above participating in (or even starting) a top-down, inorganic puzzle Though KenKen is a fun game, even mesmerizing at times, it's craze. Try the puzzles in the Times or elsewhere, and if you like by no means unique. Ever since Sudoku landed on American them, which you probably will, then buy a book or two. I'll shores in 2005, puzzle writers (me included) have been trying to probably pick up (and perhaps publish) a volume myself. But come up with the Next Big Japanese Logic Puzzle Craze, with remember that KenKen isn't the only number puzzle in the sea. mixed results. Kakuro, a math-cum-logic puzzle closer to If you enjoy the Times' new puzzle, consider buying the KenKen than Sudoku, didn't make quite make the second-wave magazine GAMES World of Puzzles the next time you're in the splash that puzzle-book publishers had hoped for in 2006. That grocery store. It costs less than a book of KenKen, and it's filled same year, I tried singlehandedly to create the third wave with a with dozens of different types of puzzles—word, logic, math, word-logic hybrid called Kaidoku, but it turns out I don't (yet!) visual, the whole gamut. You may even like some of them better possess the Shortz-ian clout to tell America which puzzle it will than KenKen. If you're feeling entrepreneurial, you could always be solving this year. (I also didn't trademark the name Kaidoku, take a shot at slapping a Japanese name on one of them and which turned out not to matter, since no imitators followed.) marketing it to the masses. Kendoku, anyone?

Why do some puzzles take off and others don't? As a puzzle writer, I wish I knew. Group psychology in puzzle trends is more art than science, as it is with music, movie, and food trends. Some ever-shifting combination of tastemakers, timing, and gaming Gladwell-ian tipping points is involved, but no one knows the What's Killing the Video-Game precise mix. Sudoku took off because it massages the brain in a way that crosswords don't, and its marketing was extremely Business? clever—its main popularizer, a New Zealander named Wayne Hint: It's not the economy. By N. Evan Van Zelfden Gould, syndicated the puzzle to newspapers for free as a means Monday, February 16, 2009, at 3:27 PM ET to sell his Sudoku-writing computer program. Ensuing copycat puzzles—the Kakuros and Kaidokus—haven't done as well because they're not that different from that other game with the Like pretty much every industry these days, video-game grid and the numbers. Sudoku got there first, so that part of publishing is in some financial trouble. Electronic Arts, the people's brains has already been massaged. world's largest game publisher, best known for Madden and the Sims, lost $641 million in 2008's fourth quarter. Activision- Blizzard, owners of the cash cows World of Warcraft and Call of

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 49/116 Duty, reported losses of $72 million in the fourth quarter of When a newspaper quoted this frightening view, Lum found 2008. (They lost $194 million the quarter before that.) THQ, the himself in hot water with his employer for making such third-largest publisher in the United States, and known for sensationalist comments. It turned out that Lum's prediction was lucrative licenses ranging from the Ultimate Fighting too low: Midway would go on to spend between $40 million and Championship to Pixar, had $192 million in losses over the $50 million developing This Is Vegas, an action title set for holidays and is laying off 24 percent of its work force. release in late 2009.

News of development-studio closings and layoffs are being That figure is not unusual. Budgets for next-generation reported around the world. And while publishers focus on development have continued to rise steadily across the board. internal cuts, many independent developers have closed outright. And while executives and technologists knew that there would Such gloom, in a normally raucous industry, has set the talking be heavy initial investment costs to retool—Electronic Arts heads, bloggers, and trade press to a quick conclusion: Losses spent a record $372 million on research and development during and layoffs are the direct result of an economic crisis (on the 2008's third quarter—they expected returns on that investment, premise that "things are tough all over"). something that's so far failed to materialize.

But that idea, which makes intuitive sense, is completely at odds Production difficulties and product delays continue a full 26 with recent sales numbers. In reality, video games are selling months after Sony's PlayStation 3 reached store shelves. When better than ever. The retailer GameStop announced sales of companies regularly spend $40 million to develop a title and nearly $3 billion worth of games, hardware, and accessories contribute more to the marketing, they need to sell at least 2 during the nine weeks around the 2008 holidays—22 percent million units to break even. While Halo 3 racked up pre-orders more than during Christmas 2007. of 1.7 million copies, and Gears of War 2 has sold more than 3 million units, only a handful of titles each year do that well. According to the research firm Media Control GfK, game Consider that Will Wright's Spore, which sold 1 million copies software accounted for more than half of global packaged in its first 17 days, was supposed to be a big hit for Electronic entertainment sales in 2008, beating DVD sales for the first time. Arts; but the development cost was so high that that internal The firm pegs game sales at $32 billion worldwide. (The U.S. estimates now say it will take five years—and a bunch of sequels market accounts for around 45 percent of the world total.) The and expansions—for the company to recoup its initial costs. NPD Group, which tracks sales for the industry, also reports that game software sales were up 26 percent in 2008. Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto IV, released last May, is the prime example of a blockbuster game. GTA IV sold 6 million copies So how can publishers lose money amid such incredible sales during its first week, bringing in $500 million. True to form, it and record growth? The answer is simple: They're spending cost Rockstar $100 million to produce, 1,000 people worked on more than they're bringing in. Game development budgets have the project, and it took three-and-a-half years to complete. Six ballooned, and publishers are reeling because they can't keep the months later, sales began to founder—a major setback to a costs under control. publisher that bet the farm on the title and predicted sales throughout 2009. Games weren't always expensive to make: In the early days, a boy with an Apple II could rule the world. While there are still Despite GTA's declining returns, the initial sales numbers were scads of cheaply made games on the market, all of today's big so compelling that other companies are desperate to follow suit. publishers employ hundreds of professional developers per During Electronic Arts' last quarterly call, CEO John Riccitiello game. These projects take years to complete, as each new explained that the company would be pursuing blockbuster hits generation of hardware allows for unprecedented advances in as a primary revenue source. Perennially successful sports graphics, sound, and everything else. The greater the complexity franchises like Madden—titles that always come out on time and of the game, the larger the development team. The larger the on budget because the company's bottom line depends on it— development team, the bigger the budget. have given EA a bit more wiggle room than its competitors. Riccitiello has decided to use that wiggle room to craft expensive games of exceptional quality, products that don't ship While industry leaders anticipated that budgets would creep until they're deemed perfect. higher, the shift to high-definition gaming with Microsoft's Xbox 360 and Sony's PlayStation 3 has proved to be more expensive than estimated. At a conference in the spring of 2006, then- The industry has long discussed going with this "Hollywood Midway developer Cyrus Lum sounded the warning, telling his model," in which a few games/movies turn a profit, those hits audience that game development budgets could rise as high as more than covering the other losses. The analogy between the $15 million to $25 million for a single title—previously Hollywood blockbuster model and the games business falls unheard-of averages. "We need to rethink how we're financing apart, however, because of the huge difference in overhead costs. games," Lum concluded. Electronic Arts steadily employs 7,400 developers. The industry

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 50/116 standard is a $10,000 man-month, meaning the company burns grieving through more than $74 million for development each month. The The Long Goodbye big Hollywood studios, by contrast, make movies by giving What grief is really like. money to temporary production companies, which then hire By Meghan O'Rourke temporary crews with one-project contracts. The temporary Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 7:32 AM ET entity will make the film from start to finish. And once production is complete, the studio receives a finished product that it can distribute to theaters—without the continued overhead expenses that game publishers often face. From: Meghan O'Rourke Subject: The Long Goodbye Companies like EA and Activision are two kinds of businesses Posted Monday, February 16, 2009, at 6:02 PM ET at once, making games themselves while publishing the work of other developers. It was a natural evolution: Publishers built distribution and marketing networks for themselves, grew The other morning I looked at my BlackBerry and saw an e-mail successful, and found that they could use that same pipeline to from my mother. At last! I thought. I've missed her so much. sell somebody else's games. Though publishers rake in more Then I caught myself. The e-mail couldn't be from my mother. profits when they own the titles they're releasing, working with My mother died a month ago. outside firms enables them to put out more games. The e-mail was from a publicist with the same first name: Of the 48 titles EA released last quarter, eight were from other Barbara. The name was all that had showed up on the screen. developers—mostly in the Rock Band series—while 40 were developed internally. If a publisher is looking to do blockbusters, My mother died of metastatic colorectal cancer sometime before that figure needs to be reversed. Using an external production 3 p.m. on Christmas Day. I can't say the exact time, because company means you don't have to bear the burden of overhead, none of us thought to look at a clock for some time after she and when the game inevitably slips and needs more time, it isn't stopped breathing. She was in a hospital bed in the living room a problem for the publicly traded publisher needing to meet a of my parents' house (now my father's house) in Connecticut quarterly window. But, perversely, EA's Riccitiello has said the with my father, my two younger brothers, and me. She had been company plans to cut the number of titles it's developing, hoping unconscious for five days. She opened her eyes only when we that releasing fewer games with even more effort will generate moved her, which caused her extreme pain, and so we began to more blockbusters. That means costs will rise above the $40 move her less and less, despite cautions from the hospice nurses million mark, an extraordinary gamble. about bedsores.

It's unrealistic for a company that employs many thousands of For several weeks before her death, my mother had been developers to abandon internal production immediately. In the experiencing some confusion due to ammonia building up in her short term, Electronic Arts should consider copying the old brain as her liver began to fail. And yet, irrationally, I am Hollywood "studio system." During the Great Depression, a confident my mother knew what day it was when she died. I movie could be made in two weeks—and people would go to see believe she knew we were around her. And I believe she chose a new movie each week. EA could make games that cost less. to die when she did. Christmas was her favorite day of the year; How? Change the scale and scope of the world. Make the story she loved the morning ritual of walking the dogs, making coffee shorter. Use lower-quality graphics. Recycle proven tools and as we all waited impatiently for her to be ready, then slowly technology. opening presents, drawing the gift-giving out for hours. This year, she couldn't walk the dogs or make coffee, but her bed was Consider the case of Portal. The first-person puzzle game began in the room where our tree was, and as we opened presents that as a student project before it was scooped up by Valve Software. morning, she made a madrigal of quiet sounds, as if to indicate Valve polished the game up and took it to EA, which distributed that she was with us. the game at retail as part of its "Orange Box" collection. As of two months ago, they'd sold 3 million copies. Electronic Arts, Since my mother's death, I have been in grief. I walk down the though, doesn't seem to have absorbed the lesson of this success street; I answer my phone; I brush my hair; I manage, at times, story. EA doesn't need to find its own Grand Theft Auto—it to look like a normal person, but I don't feel normal. I am not needs to let 1,000 Portals bloom. surprised to find that it is a lonely life: After all, the person who brought me into the world is gone. But it is more than that. I feel not just that I am but that the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief. Nearly every day I get e-mails from people who write: "I hope you're doing well." It's a kind sentiment, and yet sometimes it angers me. I am not OK. Nor do

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 51/116 I find much relief in the well-meant refrain that at least my And in the weeks since my mother died, I have felt acutely the mother is "no longer suffering." Mainly, I feel one thing: My lack of these rituals. I was not prepared for how hard I would mother is dead, and I want her back. I really want her back— find it to re-enter the slipstream of contemporary life, our world sometimes so intensely that I don't even want to heal. At least, of constant connectivity and immediacy, so ill-suited to not yet. reflection. I envy my Jewish friends the ritual of saying kaddish—a ritual that seems perfectly conceived, with its built- Nothing about the past losses I have experienced prepared me in support group and its ceremonious designation of time each for the loss of my mother. Even knowing that she would die did day devoted to remembering the lost person. So I began not prepare me in the least. A mother, after all, is your entry into wondering: What does it mean to grieve in a culture that—for the world. She is the shell in which you divide and become a many of us, at least—has few ceremonies for observing it? What life. Waking up in a world without her is like waking up in a is it actually like to grieve? In a series of pieces over the next world without sky: unimaginable. What makes it worse is that few weeks, I'll delve into these questions and also look at the my mother was young: 55. The loss I feel stems partly from literature of grieving, from memoirs to medical texts. I'll be feeling robbed of 20 more years with her I'd always imagined doing so from an intellectual perspective, but also from a having. personal one: I want to write about grief from the inside out. I will be writing about my grief, of course, and I don't pretend that it is universal. But I hope these pieces will reflect something I say this knowing it sounds melodramatic. This is part of the about the paradox of loss, with its monumental sublimity and complexity of grief: A piece of you recognizes it is an extreme microscopic intimacy. state, an altered state, yet a large part of you is entirely subject to its demands. I am aware that I am one of the lucky ones. I am an adult. My mother had a good life. We had insurance that allowed If you have a story or thought about grieving you'd like to share, us to treat her cancer and to keep her as comfortable as possible please e-mail me at [email protected]. before she died. And in the past year, I got to know my mother as never before. I went with her to the hospital and bought her lunch while she had chemotherapy, searching for juices that wouldn't sting the sores in her mouth. We went to a spiritual doctor who made her sing and passed crystals over her body. We human nature shopped for new clothes together, standing frankly in our The View From Above underwear in the changing room after years of being shyly polite Google Earth exposes a U.S. drone base in Pakistan. with our bodies. I crawled into bed with her and stroked her hair By William Saletan when she cried in frustration that she couldn't go to work. I grew Friday, February 20, 2009, at 9:44 AM ET to love my mother in ways I never had. Some of the new intimacy came from finding myself in a caretaking role where, before, I had been the one taken care of. But much of it came from being forced into openness by our sense that time was The picture, taken from directly overhead, shows an airfield in passing. Every time we had a cup of coffee together (when she Pakistan. It looks like a video frame from one of the American was well enough to drink coffee), I thought, against my will: killer drones that have been hunting Taliban and al-Qaida This could be the last time I have coffee with my mother. fighters there. But that can't be: The drones are right there in the frame, sitting on the ground. So who took the picture? Grief is common, as Hamlet's mother Gertrude brusquely reminds him. We know it exists in our midst. But I am suddenly A plain old commercial satellite, apparently. The image was aware of how difficult it is for us to confront it. And to the freely available on Google Earth until Wednesday, when the degree that we do want to confront it, we do so in the form of News of Pakistan published a story about it. At that point, it self-help: We want to heal our grief. We want to achieve an vanished, as other sensitive military pictures have done. Today, emotional recovery. We want our grief to be teleological, and you can still view it on the Web site of the Times of London. If we've assigned it five tidy stages: denial, anger, bargaining, you're a Pakistani citizen, it confirms that the United States has depression, and acceptance. Yet as we've come to frame grief as been launching its killer drones from inside your country, a psychological process, we've also made it more private. Many contrary to your government's pretense of opposition. And if Americans don't mourn in public anymore—we don't wear you're a Taliban or al-Qaida fighter, it's your chance to look black, we don't beat our chests and wail. We may—I have done down on the drones the way they've been looking down on you. it—weep and rail privately, in the middle of the night. But we don't have the rituals of public mourning around which the This isn't the first time miscreants have used Google Earth. Two individual experience of grief were once constellated. years ago, the Times notes, "its images of British military bases were found in the homes of Iraqi insurgents." And last year, "India said that the militants who attacked Mumbai in November

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 52/116 had used Google Earth to familiarize themselves with their months, when a satellite passes overhead. Neither of its pictures targets." Terrorists may not have their own drones or satellites of the Pakistani airfield is dated, except for the year. The drones yet. But they know how to use publicly available imagery. don't have to wait that long. They can go wherever we want them to, sending back instantaneous images. And if the images The picture, together with a second picture of the same site taken are sufficiently hot and incriminating, we can pull the trigger. sometime this year and posted on Google Earth, destroys much of the political advantage of the U.S. drones. The drones aren't So enjoy the view from the satellite, Mr. Bin Laden. It's what the supposed to be a U.S. military presence in Pakistan. They're enemy base looks like when you don't have the joystick. unmanned, and until now, they were thought to be flown exclusively from the Afghan border. The satellite images, (Now playing at the Human Nature blog: 1. Should autopilots backed by expert analysis, prove otherwise. The drones are on override human control of planes? 2. Dog breeding as a preview Pakistani soil. And if the drones are there, so are the U.S. of human eugenics. 3. The unexcused presence of unmanned personnel who physically manage them. killing machines.)

The U.S. government, comically, continues to pretend otherwise. Here's the Times' description of its conversation with a U.S. embassy spokesman in Pakistan: human nature "No. No. No. No. No. We unequivocally and Color ID emphatically can tell you that there is no Screening embryos for eye, hair, and skin color. basing of US troops in Pakistan," he said. By William Saletan "There is no basing of US Air Force, Navy, Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 8:10 AM ET Marines, Army, none, on the record and emphatically. I want that to be very clear. And that is the answer any way you want to put it. Is the era of designer babies finally here? There is no base here, no troops billeted. We do not operate here." Every week, it seems, we're told that this discovery or that technology might lead to "designer babies." I've heard this so He said that he could not comment on CIA many times that I've stopped taking it seriously. Genetic operations. engineering always turns out to be more complicated than expected, and our latest technology always turns out to be less You get the picture. The CIA operates the drones, as has been capable than advertised. thoroughly reported, so that the military can deny a presence in Pakistan. On paper, the ruse works because presence is just a But now trait selection seems to be coming into view for real. concept. But pictures of the base drive home its reality. Two months ago, the Fertility Institutes, an assisted reproduction So why are we basing the drones in Pakistan? Why not just fly company headquartered in Los Angeles, began advertising the them from Afghanistan, as advertised? The Pakistani base is "pending availability" of genetic tests that would offer "a "within minutes of potential al-Qaeda and Taliban targets," the preselected choice of gender, eye color, hair color and Times observes. "It allows Predator drones to come and go, seen complexion" in artificially conceived children. On Thursday, by few civilians." And it "allows the drones to observe and Gautam Naik of the Wall Street Journal reported that "half a attack targets within Pakistan's borders without disrupting the dozen" potential clients had contacted the company to request country's air defenses by crossing" from Afghanistan. such tests. As of today, the tests still aren't for sale. But several trends are converging to make aesthetic trait selection an Of these possible reasons, the most intriguing is proximity. The impending business. base is 200 miles southwest of Quetta, a Taliban and al-Qaida stronghold. The drones reportedly have a maximum speed of 1. Embryo screening has become permanently entrenched. 135 miles per hour. To capitalize fully on actionable By now, tens of thousands of embryos have been screened for intelligence, you have to move fast. That's how the drones killed quality and potential disease, thanks to preimplantation genetic 60 insurgents in two strikes last weekend, before they could diagnosis. Culturally and politically, there's no going back. disperse. Every minute—and therefore, every mile—counts. 2. Screening is steadily expanding to traits that are less This is a crucial difference between the view from the drone and medically important. We're examining and discarding embryos the view from Google Earth. Google gets its images every few for flaws that are less lethal, less harmful, less likely to cause

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 53/116 disease, and less likely to strike early in life. Two years ago, Kearns isn't offering his method for aesthetic PGD. He British regulators approved PGD to get rid of embryos that adamantly opposes this application as an unethical abuse of the might become grotesquely cross-eyed. At the time, the head of technology. But his breakthrough inadvertently shows less the clinic that pioneered this use of PGD predicted, "We will scrupulous followers how they could serve their own ends.* increasingly see the use of embryo screening for severe cosmetic conditions." 6. Doctors have an easy way to talk themselves into offering the service. Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg, medical director of the 3. Aesthetic screening is spreading. Once you're screening for Fertility Institutes, sees trait selection as a natural extension of "severe" cosmetic conditions, you can no longer rule out other the road his profession is already traveling. "This is cosmetic cosmetic criteria. The principal gateway to aesthetic use of PGD medicine," he tells the Journal. Watch Steinberg's promotional is sex selection. Worldwide, the number of embryos and fetuses video, and you'll see how easy it is to sell trait selection as just discarded for being the wrong sex is in the millions. In this another consumer service. Reproductive technology can "help country, the number of clients paying for sex-selective PGD is in fertile and infertile couples choose the gender they've always the thousands and growing. Nearly half of U.S. clinics that offer wished for," the video's female narrator promises. Steinberg PGD have used it for nonmedical sex selection, and 40 percent appears on camera, assuring potential customers that his of Americans approve of this practice. The Fertility Institutes personnel are experts at "evaluating embryos and making sure explicitly frames eye, hair, and skin color selection as an that people get their request for a boy or a girl." You want a girl? extension of sex selection. We'll get you a girl. You want a blonde? We'll get you a blonde.

4. A market for nonmedical trait selection is emerging. Naik 7. Patients have an easy way to talk themselves into buying points to a New York University survey of patients seeking the service. You don't have to request PGD just to screen your genetic counseling. In the survey, published three weeks ago, 10 embryos for eye or hair color. That might feel icky. Instead, to 13 percent of respondents said they would use PGD to select Steinberg offers you a package deal: height, athletic ability, or intelligence. NYU spins this as a tiny minority. But in raw numbers, it's easily enough to attract Patients having genetic screening for abnormal opportunistic entrepreneurs. chromosome conditions in their embryos will be able to elect expanded testing that can 5. Aesthetic trait selection is becoming feasible. This used to greatly increase the odds of achieving a be the sticking point in bringing the technology to market. No healthy pregnancy with a preselected choice of more. Naik reports: gender, eye color, hair color and complexion, along with screening for potentially lethal In October 2007, scientists from deCode diseases, screening for cancer tendencies Genetics of Iceland published a paper in (breast, colon, pancreas, prostate) and more. Nature Genetics pinpointing various [genes] that influence skin, eye and hair color, based See how smooth the transition can be? You're already screening on samples taken from people in Iceland and for diseases. Why not add one more factor while you're at it? So the Netherlands. Along with related genes now you'll know which embryos are male and which are female, discovered earlier, "the variants described in just in case two of them turn out to be healthy and you're lucky this report enable prediction of pigmentation enough to be able to choose which one to put in the womb. And traits based upon an individual's DNA," the if you're checking sex, why not throw in eye color and company said. … William Kearns, a medical complexion? You don't have to do anything with the information geneticist and director of the Shady Grove yet. Just run the test and find out what your options are. Center for Preimplantation Genetics in Rockville, Md., says he has made headway in 8. Globalization thwarts regulation. "A large majority of cracking the problem. In a presentation made industrialized countries—including Canada, the UK, most of at a November meeting of the American Europe, Japan, Israel, China, and Australia—prohibits non- Society of Human Genetics in Philadelphia, he medical sex selection," notes the Center for Genetics and described how he had managed to amplify the Society. But the United States doesn't, and according to CGS DNA available from a single embryonic cell to Associate Director Marcy Darnovsky, Steinberg exploits this identify complex diseases and also certain gap by "offering travel packages so that people can come to the physical traits. Of 42 embryos tested, Dr. US to dodge laws in their home nations." CGS wants tougher Kearns said he had enough data to identify U.S. laws. Good luck with that: Steinberg already has a satellite [genes] that relate to northern European skin, clinic in Mexico. hair and eye pigmentation in 80% of the samples.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 54/116 This is how revolutions happen: Technology matures, trends beginning to realize that large prison populations are boom-time converge, and cultural changes pave the way. By the time luxuries they can no longer afford. Steinberg opens his trait-selection business and does for that practice what he's already doing for sex selection, it'll be too late Reform is inevitable. But if we are going to rein in our prison to stop him. In fact, before you know it, we'll be used to it. populations, we should do so based on facts, not on unfounded perceptions or shocking anecdotes. So let's start by dispelling (Now playing at the Human Nature blog: 1. The unexcused some of the myths that surround the breathtaking prison growth presence of unmanned killing machines. 2. Toilets and coffins to of the past three decades. fit fat people. 3. Why condom sales are up.) Myth No. 1: Long sentences drive prison population growth. Clarification, Feb. 18, 2009: My original paraphrase of Dr. The stories that capture our attention are the low-level crooks Kearns' position on PGD for aesthetics—that he wasn't offering who get 25 years for stealing three $400 golf clubs. But these it but was "inadvertently showing less scrupulous followers how cases get a lot of press precisely because they are exceptional. they could make it work"—failed to convey his strong opposition And the attention goes to the sentence imposed, not the time to the practice. Here is the Journal's full description of Kearns' actually served, which may be far shorter. position: Our data on time served is imperfect at best, but it appears that Dr. Kearns says he is firmly against the idea of the time served by the median prisoner is about two years, using PGD to select nonmedical traits. He sometimes much less. It is easy to focus on the people who are plans to offer his PGD amplification technique serving decades-long sentences for life or life without parole, but to fertility clinics for medical purposes such as they make up only about 10 percent and 2.5 percent of the total screening for complex disorders, but won't let prison population, respectively. The two-year median, it be used for physical trait selection. "I'm not meanwhile, holds true both in notoriously punitive states like going to do designer babies," says Dr. Kearns. Michigan and in more lenient ones like Minnesota. Not only is "I won't sell my soul for a dollar." the absolute amount of time served low, in general, but in many states that amount remained flat over much of the 1990s. (Return to the revised paragraph.) So what is actually driving prison population growth? Admissions. Far more offenders who in the past would have received nonprison sentences are being locked up for short stints, driving up the overall population. Stop admitting as many jurisprudence people, and the prison population would shrink rapidly. Cutting Reform School back on long sentences is far less likely to have the same Five myths about prison growth dispelled. meaningful effect. By John Pfaff Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 3:08 PM ET Myth No. 2: Low-level drug offenders drive prison population growth. It is popular, perhaps almost mandatory, to blame the boom on the War on Drugs. But it is just not true. The United States has a prison population like nowhere else. Only 20 percent of inmates in prisons (as opposed to jails) are With one out of every 100 adults behind bars, our incarceration locked up for drug offenses, compared with 50 percent for rate is the highest in the entire world. Our inmates—1.5 million violent crimes and 20 percent for property offenses; most of the in prison, with another 800,000 in jail—comprise one-third of drug offenders are in prison for distribution, not possession. the world's total. This is a surprisingly recent development. After Twenty percent is admittedly much larger than approximately 3 barely budging for 50 years, our incarceration rate increased percent, which was the fraction of prisoners serving time on drug sevenfold (to 738 per 100,000 people) between 1978 and 2008. charges in the 1970s. But if we were to release every prisoner currently serving time for a drug charge, our prison population The system is now at its breaking point. Federal judges in would drop only from 1.6 million to 1.3 million. That's not much California just issued a tentative order demanding that the state of a decline, compared with the total number of people in prison release nearly 60,000 inmates over the next three years to in the 1970s—about 300,000. alleviate intolerable overcrowding. New York state's sentencing commission released a 326-page report calling on the In fact, the war on drugs does play a role in the prisoner Legislature to cut back on severe drug sentences. And with increase. But it's an indirect one. State "predicate felony" laws, budgets growing ever-tighter in a collapsing economy, states are for example, impose longer sentences on offenders with prior records: A drug conviction may not send someone to prison, but it will make him serve more time for any future crime he

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 55/116 commits. This suggests that simply tackling long drug sentences, prison populations contributed to up to 30 percent of the crime as reformers in New York state have done, may miss the real drop during the 1990s. problem. Thus, reducing prison populations may lead to more crime. But Myth No. 3: Technical parole and probation violations drive only to a point. Many of the low-level offenders we lock up prison population growth. Recent advances in drug testing and today do not pose serious threats, so if we let them out first or other forms of monitoring have sparked concern that we are don't send them to prison to begin with, the effect may be sending more and more parolees back to prison for minor initially slight. Moreover, while prison has helped reduce crime, infractions. And as with all the factors discussed here, there is a it's not the most efficient tool we have. A dollar spent on police, kernel of truth to this one. In 2005, about one-third of all people for example, is 20 percent more effective than a dollar spent on admitted to prison were on parole at the time (though not prisons. necessarily returning because of a violation). But the rate of parolees returning to prison has been stable for the last decade, Given that, what's the most cost-effective prison reform suggesting that this doesn't account for recent growth. strategy? We need to stop admitting many minor offenders, even if they're serving only short sentences. We need to focus less on More important, changes in the number of people being returned high-profile drug statutes and more on the ways small-fry drug to prison from parole closely follow changes in the number of convictions cause later crimes to result in longer sentences. Once prisoners being paroled out of prison—and there are always we start admitting fewer people to prison, we should shift money more people going out than going in. In other words, the number from prisons to police. If this seems like tinkering, rather than a of parolees returning to prison is rising only because the number sweeping fix, that's because it is. See Myth No. 4: Reformers of people out on parole is rising. shouldn't waste their breath trying to turn us into Europe.

Myth No. 4: In the past three decades, we've newly diverged from the rest of the world on punishment. Given that our incarceration rate before the mid-1970s is one-seventh the rate of today, it is easy to think that we're suddenly acting like outliers. jurisprudence But the fact is that American views on punishment have been Welcome Back Khadr? harsher than Europe's since the birth of this country (although Obama's Canada trip is a perfect opportunity to repatriate Gitmo's youngest politicians may overestimate the extent to which they must be detainee. tough on crime to win elections). More strikingly, if we look By Dahlia Lithwick back historically at the lockup rate for mental hospitals as well Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 7:16 PM ET as prisons, we have only just now returned to the combined rates for both kinds of incarceration in the 1950s. In other words, we're not locking up a greater percentage of the population so Welcome to Ottawa, Mr. President. While you're in town, here's much as locking people up in prisons rather than mental hoping you can find some time to catch a Sens game, take a twirl hospitals. Viewed through this lens, what seems remarkable is on the Rideau Canal, and scarf down a big old gooey mountain not the current era of mass incarceration but the 1960s and '70s, of poutine. Be sure to take the opportunity to rib Canadians— during which we emptied the hospitals without filling the who travel to work seven months a year by scaling 40-meter prisons. Any reform agenda that does not acknowledge the snow banks—for lacking your "flinty Chicago toughness." But ingrained nature of our punitive impulses will surely fail. mostly, thank you so much, Mr. President, for reinstating the traditional First Presidential Visit to Canada. (President George Myth No. 5: The incarceration boom has had no effect on W. Bush ditched us for Mexico in 2001. And look how well that crime levels. Sometimes, crime rates have fallen as the prison turned out.) It means a lot to your funny northern friends with population has risen (the 1990s and 2000s) or risen as the the great shoes. population fell (the 1960s). At other times, however, the crime rate has risen even as the prison population also rose (the 1970s There's a lot of speculation out there about whether President and '80s). Perhaps, people argue, no real relationship exists Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper between the two. will discuss Omar Khadr on this visit. Khadr is the 22-year-old Canadian (and only remaining Westerner) at Guantanamo Bay. But this is not the right way to think about the problem. We have He was 15 years old when he was captured in Afghanistan for to ask what the crime rate would have been but for a given allegedly throwing the grenade that killed Sgt. 1st Class number of prisoners, and simple population trends cannot Christopher Speer. Khadr is the youngest prisoner at answer this. The best numbers available, controlling for a host of Guantanamo and has been there more than six years, the first challenging statistical problems, suggest that the growth in few of which he had no access to a lawyer. His military trial, on charges including murder, spying, conspiracy, and providing

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 56/116 support to terrorism, was paused indefinitely last month when whole hearing if prosecutors failed to turn over records Obama put a halt to all the military tribunals there, pending a concerning Khadr's treatment, Brownback was unceremoniously review of the charges against the 245 men still held at the camp. dumped off the case.

Since Obama has ordered the camp shuttered, the need to do Then there's the fact that Khadr claims to have confessed under something with the remaining prisoners has only grown more torture. Videos of him weeping during an interrogation surfaced urgent. Harper has consistently refused to repatriate Khadr, last year and served only to remind the world that he was a despite strong opposition from the United Nations, the Canadian teenager confined at Guantanamo among "the worst of the Bar Association, Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, worst." Khadr was allegedly shackled in stress positions until he and other groups. Harper has steadfastly insisted that President urinated on himself, then covered with pine solvent and used as George W. Bush was entitled to hold Khadr at Gitmo and a "human mop" to clean his own urine. He was beaten, nearly exhaust the judicial processes against him (even when those suffocated, beset by attack dogs, and threatened with rape. In processes failed to materialize). The outcry against Harper's May 2008, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled in Canada v. policy grew even louder last week when Canada's three Khadr that the detention of Khadr at Guantanamo Bay opposition leaders—whose respective parties commanded 55 "constituted a clear violation of fundamental human rights percent of the popular vote last election—signed a joint letter protected by international law." asking Obama to ship Khadr home. Khadr isn't just a poster boy for closing Gitmo; he's a poster boy Yesterday, Human Rights Watch also sent a letter to Harper for the prisoner abuse of children there. If you haven't yet read asking that Khadr be repatriated and requesting that a group of the new testimony of Army Spc. Brandon Neely about the sexual Chinese Uighurs, who have been cleared for release for years but and physical sadism that went on at Gitmo, it's worth your time. still lack a place to go, be permitted to live in Canada, where It's not enough for the United States to renounce torture, church groups have agreed to act as sponsors. although that's a good start. We need to start to make amends for the fact that children in our custody were tortured. The Uighur issue becomes even more critical today because a federal appeals court panel just struck down an order that would And that's the final and most important point here. Khadr was have released them into the United States. Judge Raymond never treated in accordance with the provisions of the Geneva Randolph wrote that the court had no authority to create its own Conventions and the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the immigration rules and took heart in the fact that "the government Child, which hold that when a signatory captures juveniles on has represented that it is continuing diplomatic attempts to find the battlefield, it must work to rehabilitate them, even when they an appropriate country willing to admit petitioners, and we have are nasty brats. Special accommodations are required for their no reason to doubt that it is doing so." So tick-tock, Mr. incarceration and treatment. But the Bush administration always President. Let's find those Uighurs a home. took the position—and Stephen Harper always agreed—that Khadr was not a child soldier. Of course, Khadr was the very Certainly, everyone who has a client at Guantanamo feels their definition of a child soldier, radicalized by his bat-shit family at case is special, and even some Canadians have taken the position a young age and sent to training camps before he even had facial that there's nothing unique about Khadr's situation that requires hair. If Obama wants to send the signal that international statutes fast-tracking him out of the camp. But there are good reasons for and treaties have meaning in this country, even when that's not Obama to announce that Khadr will be repatriated tomorrow, convenient, admitting that Khadr was not treated in accordance even as he picks his way through the harder questions about state with those treaties is critically important. secrets, rendition, and indefinite detention. This week's obscure legal parlor game involves complicated The principal argument for keeping Khadr in the U.S. military guessing at which aspects of the Bush war on terror Obama will justice system seems to be that his alleged crimes were adopt and which he will renounce. My own suspicion is that committed against Americans and the alleged evidence has been Obama is willing to go quite far to maintain executive branch amassed by Americans, and thus he should be tried by secrecy and flexibility while putting the greatest possible Americans. But the case against Khadr has been flimsy at the distance between himself and his predecessor's overzealousness best of times and has deteriorated in the years since his capture, and sometimes gratuitous cruelty. That's why sending Khadr including doubt cast by the Defense Department itself on home for the Canadians to deal with is a no-brainer. The Obama whether he was even the guy who threw the grenade. The administration gets to keep its secrets and still respect progression of the case against Khadr has been so loopy that the international agreements. He gets to evince trust in his allies military court's presiding officer, Col. Peter C. Brownback, while unloading an international-relations headache. And he can, tossed out all the charges against him in 2007, a decision that in one neat diplomatic move, concede that enormous mistakes was quickly reversed by a hastily manufactured "appeals court." were made at Gitmo while leaving it to others to fix them. Then, last summer, when Brownback threatened to suspend the

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 57/116 old girl was allegedly sent to more than 100 cell phones, or a New York case involving a group of boys who turned a nude photo of a 15-year-old girl into crude animations and jurisprudence PowerPoint presentations. But are such cases really the same as Textual Misconduct the cases in which tipsy teen girls send their boyfriends naughty Valentine's Day pictures? What to do about teens and their dumb naked photos of themselves. By Dahlia Lithwick Saturday, February 14, 2009, at 6:54 AM ET The argument for hammering every such case seems to be that allowing nude images of yourself to go public may have serious Say you're a middle school principal who has just confiscated a consequences, so let's nip it in the bud by charging kids with cell phone from a 14-year-old boy, only to discover it contains a felonies, which will assuredly have serious consequences. In the nude photo of his 13-year-old girlfriend. Do you: a) call the Pennsylvania case, for instance, a police captain explained that boy's parents in despair, b) call the girl's parents in despair, or c) the charges were brought because "it's very dangerous. Once it's call the police? More and more, the answer is d) all of the above. on a cell phone, that cell phone can be put on the Internet where Which could result in criminal charges for both of your students everyone in the world can get access to that juvenile picture." and their eventual designation as sex offenders. The argument that we must prosecute kids as the producers and purveyors of kiddie porn because they are too dumb to understand that their seemingly innocent acts can hurt them goes Sexting is the clever new name for the act of sending, receiving, beyond paternalism. Child pornography laws intended to protect or forwarding naked photos via your cell phone. I wasn't fully children should not be used to prosecute and then label children persuaded that America was facing a sexting epidemic, as as sex offenders. opposed to a journalists-writing-about-sexting epidemic, until I saw a new survey done by the National Campaign To Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. The survey has one teen in five Consider the way in which school districts have reacted to the reporting he or she has sent or posted naked photos of himself or uptick in sexting. Have they cracked down on the epidemic? herself. Whether all this reflects a new child porn epidemic or Confiscated cell phones? Launched widespread Lolita dragnets? just a new iteration of the old shortsighted teen narcissism No, many now simply prohibit students from bringing cell epidemic remains unclear. phones to school. This doesn't stop students from sexting. It just stops them from being caught. How bad can sexting really be if schools are enacting what amounts to a don't-ask-don't-tell Last month, three girls (ages 14 or 15) in Greensburg, Pa., were policy? charged with disseminating child pornography for sexting their boyfriends. The boys who received the images were charged with possession. A teenager in Indiana faces felony obscenity Parents can forget that their kids may be as tech-savvy as Bill charges for sending a picture of his genitals to female Gates but as gullible as Bambi. At some level, teens understand classmates. A 15-year-old girl in Ohio and a 14-year-old girl in that once their image reaches someone else's cell phone, what Michigan were charged with felonies for sending along nude happened in Vegas is unlikely to stay there. The National images of themselves to classmates. Some of these teens have Campaign To Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy survey pleaded guilty to lesser charges; others have not. If convicted, suggests 25 percent of teen girls and 33 percent of teen boys these young people may have to register as sex offenders, in report seeing naked images originally sent to someone else. Yet some cases for a decade or two. Similar charges have been filed even in the age of the Internet, young people fail to appreciate in cases in Alabama, Connecticut, Florida, New Jersey, New that their naked pictures want to roam free. York, Texas, Utah, and Wisconsin. The same survey showed that teens can be staggeringly naive in One quick clue that the criminal justice system is probably not another way: Twenty percent have posted a naked photo of the best venue for addressing the sexting crisis? A survey of the themselves despite the fact that 71 percent of those asked charges brought in the cases reflects that—depending on the understand that doing so can have serious negative jurisdiction—prosecutors have charged the senders of smutty consequences. Understanding the consequences of risky photos, the recipients of smutty photos, those who save the behavior but engaging in it anyhow? Smells like teen spirit to smutty photos, and the hapless forwarders of smutty photos with me. the same crime: child pornography. Who is the victim here and who is the perpetrator? Everybody and nobody. The real problem with criminalizing teen sexting as a form of child pornography is that the great majority of these kids are not There may be an argument for police intervention in cases that predators and have no intention of producing or purveying involve a genuine threat or cyber-bullying, such as a recent kiddie porn. They think they're being brash and sexy, in the Massachusetts incident in which the picture of a naked 14-year- manner of brash, sexy Americans everywhere: by being undressed. And while some of the reaction to the sexting

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 58/116 epidemic reflects legitimate concerns about children as sex objects, some highlights pernicious legal stereotypes and fallacies. A recent New York Times article about online harassment, for instance, quotes the Family Violence Prevention moneybox Fund, a nonprofit domestic violence awareness group, saying Public Relations Fiasco that the sending of nude pictures, even if done voluntarily, Why can't America's banking CEOs defend themselves better? constitutes "digital dating violence." But is one in five teens By Daniel Gross truly participating in an act of violence? Saturday, February 14, 2009, at 6:52 AM ET

Many other experts insist the sexting trend hurts teen girls more than boys, fretting that they feel "pressured" to take and send The most riveting drama in Washington this week wasn't Sen. naked photos. Yet the girls in the Pennsylvania case were Judd Gregg's sudden realization that he is, in fact, a conservative charged with "manufacturing, disseminating or possessing child Republican and hence unsuitable to serve as President Obama's pornography" while the boys were merely charged with commerce secretary. Rather, it was the spectacle of eight bank possession. This disparity seems increasingly common. If we are CEOs filing into a House committee room on Wednesday to worried about the poor girls pressured into exposing themselves, describe precisely what taxpayers are getting for the hundreds of why are we treating them more harshly than the boys? billions of dollars they've pumped into the financial system.

In a thoughtful essay in the American Prospect Online, Judith The stage was set for a made-for-YouTube six-hour tongue- Levine, author of Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting lashing. Public anger at financiers is as high as it has been since Children From Sex examines the dangers lurking online for Moscow circa 1917. "You come to us today on your bicycle, children and concludes that the harms of old-fashioned online after buying Girl Scout cookies, and helping out mother Teresa, bullying—the sort of teasing and ostracism that led Megan telling us 'we're sorry. We won't do it again,' " Rep. Michael Meier to kill herself after being tormented on MySpace—far Capuano, D.-Mass., ranted at the stone-faced octet. "Well, I have outweigh the dangers of online sexual material. Judging from the some people in my constituency that actually robbed some of sexting prosecutions in Pennsylvania and Ohio last year, it's your banks, and they say the same thing." clear the criminal justice system is too blunt an instrument to resolve a problem that reflects more about the volatile combination of teens and technology than some national cyber- It was astonishing how little the CEOs were able to do to help crime spree. Parents need to remind their teens that a dumb their cause. They not only flunked Risk Management 101, they moment can last a lifetime in cyberspace. Judges and also flunked Public Relations 101. Rep. Gary Ackerman, D- prosecutors need to understand that a lifetime of cyber- N.Y., noting that the government had injected $165 billion into humiliation shouldn't be grounds for a very real and possibly the eight banks represented at the hearing, asked how much each lifelong criminal record. CEO had invested in his company in the past six months. "And zero is a number," he said. For five, zero was the number. JPMorgan Chase CEO James Dimon and Citi CEO Vikram A version of this article also appears in this week's issue of Pandit noted that they had put $12 million and $8.4 million into Newsweek. their respective companies. Ken Lewis, CEO of Bank of America, recalled that he bought 400,000 shares but couldn't remember the dollar value of the purchase.

"There were some basic questions the CEOs couldn't even moneybox answer, like, 'What happened to the money?' " said Michael The Big Rich Kempner, CEO of MWW Group, a public relations firm. "The A podcast with Bryan Burrough. lack of preparation was truly breathtaking." Crisis-PR guru By Daniel Gross and Win Rosenfeld Robert Dilenschneider notes that instead of doing the basics— Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 10:42 AM ET such as making coherent, constructive statements before, during, and after the hearings—the bankers focused on symbolic items The Big Money presents Every Day I Read the Book, featuring like taking the Acela train instead of a private jet. (Next time Daniel Gross. Dan's guest today is Bryan Burrough, author of they come to D.C. begging for cash, bankers should take the $20 the new book The Big Rich: The Rise and Fall of the Greatest Chinatown bus.) Texas Oil Fortunes. The PR failure is partly understandable. These CEOs still Listen using our audio player below, or download the MP3. believe they're running the turbocharged investment banks that ruled the roost in 2005 and 2006 rather than the government-

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 59/116 supported utilities they have become. People who have done Newsweek's Nick Summers and Daniel Stone contributed to this well in finance tend to think they're really good at dealing with story. A version of it also appears in this week's issue of pretty much anything. (A common taunt on Wall Street goes: "If Newsweek. you're so smart, how come you're not rich?") And so they tend to eschew the advice of their modestly compensated PR advisers. In these men's professional lives, from 1981 to the present, Wall Street has been accustomed to getting what it wanted from Washington. America's top bankers have an even longer history my goodness of not giving a hoot what the public thinks. (Sample—possibly apocryphal—quote from the original J.P. Morgan: "I owe the Charity Begins at Home public nothing.") I'm a working mom with little kids. Is there any volunteer work I can do between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m.? By Patty Stonesifer and Sandy Stonesifer Unfortunately for the public, we can't simply write off the Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 6:55 AM ET bankers and deal with someone else. As Barney Frank said, indicating his willingness to tolerate the banks: "We have no Dear Patty and Sandy, option if we are to get credit flowing in this country other than to work with the existing institutions." What are some good ways to help others when you are a working mother of very small children? It is easy enough to What should bankers do to improve their image? John D. decide where to send our pittance of charity dollars every month. Rockefeller had a habit of dispensing nickels and dimes to But it's harder to give of myself. Are there any good options for children as a way of softening his image and assuaging anger at those useful hours between 4 a.mand 6 a.m? his massive wealth. When Japanese industry heads screw up and get hauled before government leaders, they often bow deeply: a gesture meant to convey respect and humility. —Casey

But bankers have go to beyond gestures and stunts. They have to Patty: change their self-image. Richard Edelman, CEO of public Casey, your idea of using the wee hours of the morning is relations giant Edelman, says they have to start treating admirable, but I would also caution you to take care of yourself. Congress like their board of directors. "They have to recognize You want your "Goodness" to last for the long haul! they have to respond to stakeholders rather than just to shareholders," he said. "In addition to being a capitalist today, Too many of us trot out the excuse, "I want to volunteer, but I you have to be diplomat." can't get there because ..." Thanks to the Internet, phone, and virtual work of all kinds, that is no longer viable. "Virtual Michael Gordon, CEO of Group Gordon, a New York-based volunteering" is now a big part of the volunteer sector. My 84- crisis and corporate communications firm, urges banks to "go year-old mom has a tough time getting around in the winter, but beyond what's being called for." Buy stock and have all top she volunteers from her living room as a phone screener for executives buy stock. Cut your own salary and that of other top families seeking social services. She is not alone. There are executives. I tuned in to the hearings precisely because I figured "virtual jobs" of all kinds that can be done from your home and a combination of self-preservation and competition would spur have real impact on issues you care about—from part-time Web one of the executives to make an out-of-the-box move—like designer, to fundraiser, to Wikipedia content screener, to freezing foreclosures for a few weeks or temporarily eliminating homework tutor. If you want to go global, even the United late fees on credit cards. Such a relatively inexpensive move Nations has a great resource for online volunteering. would pay significant dividends. As Capuano put it, "If they can keep people in their homes, then fine, go get a private jet." Whether you are co-opting your playgroup to talk about the need for better local parks or becoming a virtual volunteer, start with None of the CEOs risked that kind of move in the hearing. Two an issue you care about and have energy for—and then decide days later, however, JPMorgan Chase and Citi made an what time commitment you can make. Be sure to aim low— uncharacteristically smart PR move. They announced they better to underpromise and overdeliver than to disappoint an would agree to a moratorium on foreclosures as the Obama already-strapped nonprofit. administration works on its new financial stability plan. A few more stunts like that and bankers could soon be more popular Sandy: than lawyers. My mom is absolutely right that virtual volunteer opportunities abound and are increasing daily. Kids who grew up on the Internet are pushing NGOs to use the Web to their benefit and harness the goodwill of people exactly like you. If you can't find

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 60/116 a virtual volunteering job right up your alley, contact an organization whose work you admire and offer your services. Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham's latest concert special begins with an The organization might be willing to start a virtual volunteer old-man puppet named Walter detailing the best strategy for program. dealing with a Kwanzaa reveler: "Throw away the Champagne and pull out the frickin' malt liquor." Dunham then brings out Achmed the Dead Terrorist—essentially a skeleton with jutting One thing that small service or advocacy organizations often eyeballs—who shouts his catchphrase, "Silence, I keel you!" to have the hardest time with is their communications and outreach. great audience acclaim. A short while later comes the comedy They don't have the staff to do all the work it takes to stay in the duo of Peanut—a furry purple being of indeterminate heritage— public eye. This kind of communications work is something that and José Jalapeño, a sombrero-wearing pepper on a stick who can easily be done by volunteers working from home. Offer your punctuates most thoughts with the punch line "on a steeeek." services, stay current on their issues in the news, and let them What does José want for Christmas? "I think he needs a bigger know where you see opportunities for media coverage or stick," Peanut says. "That's not what your mother said," the community engagement. Blog, Twitter, or Facebook about jalapeño replies. them—anything to get them on the map and encourage like- minded individuals to donate their time or money. By every conceivable measure, Jeff Dunham is America's favorite comedian. Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, If you want something more concrete and interactive, another which aired on Comedy Central in November, was the most- idea is to participate in an online mentoring program. You can e- watched broadcast in the network's history. His previous concert mentor students as close as the local junior high or as far away film, Spark of Insanity, got the best reviews of any DVD on as Africa, which might be ideal, given your time constraints. A Amazon.com in 2008. And according to the concert-industry good program should have an application process, a background watchers at Pollstar, Dunham was last year's highest-grossing check, and a thorough training program. Just type "mentor" into stand-up act in North America, with $19.2 million in tickets Volunteer Match's virtual volunteering section, and you'll find sold. tons of organizations looking for volunteers. Dunham's astounding success isn't a sign of a widespread As the youngster of the team, I also want to point out the ventriloquism revival—on a list of the preferred art forms of the st excellent and possibly unconsidered benefit of your efforts: the 21 century, throwing your voice might fall somewhere between wonderful example volunteering sets for your children. Kids yodeling and pole-sitting. Yet in these dummy-unfriendly times, who grow up in households where their parents volunteer are the 46-year-old Dunham has built a career that even Señor more likely to do so themselves—and when they start working at Wences would envy. Dunham first broke out in 1990, when the local food bank in the afternoons, you can shift your hours to Johnny Carson honored him with a treasured invitation to the join them and sleep in a bit! couch during his first Tonight Show appearance. (The puppet Walter's response to the host's largesse: "It'll be a cold day in Do you have a real-life do-gooding dilemma? Please send it to hell before I come back to this show!") [email protected] and Patty and Sandy will try to answer it. In the subsequent decade and a half, Dunham consistently ranked as one of America's top comics, selling out comedy clubs and finding steady work on the corporate circuit. The comedian's In our ongoing effort to do better ourselves, we're donating 25 percent of the proceeds from this column to ONE.org—an manager, Judi Brown-Marmel, credits this early success to organization committed to raising public awareness about the Dunham's outreach efforts. In the days before e-mail, he compiled tens of thousands of addresses and mass-snail-mailed issues of global poverty, hunger, and disease and the efforts to postcards about upcoming tour stops. By the mid-1990s, fight such problems in the world's poorest countries. Dunham had also launched a successful merchandise line— when he got on stage with Peanut, audiences would wave $40 doll versions of the kid-friendly creature back at him.

But like most ventriloquists since Edgar Bergen's day—believe number 1 it or not, Bergen and his sidekick Charlie McCarthy were so The Hardest-Working Hand in Show popular in the 1940s and 1950s that they starred in a hit radio Business show—Dunham couldn't crack the wooden ceiling. After How ventriloquist Jeff Dunham became the country's most popular stand-up reaching the pinnacle of the puppet-insult-comedy world, comedian. Dunham's logical next move was to record a comedy special. By Josh Levin But unable to secure a decent offer—"What idiot would invest a Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 4:58 PM ET half a million dollars in a puppet show?" Dunham says—he

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 61/116 decided to finance a showcase on his own. 2006's Arguing With According to Pollstar, Dane Cook (2007) and Larry the Cable Myself, which featured old favorites like Walter and Peanut Guy (2005 and 2006) were America's top touring comics prior to alongside Dunham's "new manager" Sweet Daddy D, a shiny- Dunham. On the business side, Dunham's career bears some suited black puppet with a penchant for racial zingers ("I stay similarities to Cook's—both are masters at communicating with black, you stay white. As for my Mexican brothers and sisters, fans, and both used the Web (MySpace in Cook's case) to You learn English, motherfuckers!"), would go on to sell more expand a rabid core group of followers into a huge mainstream than 500,000 copies on DVD. Comedy Central also bought the audience. And though it might not appear that way at first rights to the special, initiating a valuable long-term relationship glance, Dunham is similar stylistically to Larry the Cable Guy, with the comic. (Dunham plans to film his fourth special for the the man Slate's Bryan Curtis deemed the "redneck id" of the channel later this year.) blue-collar comedy world. Tune out Larry's hambone accent and you'll notice that he covers much the same territory as Walter Arguing With Myself allowed Dunham to graduate from clubs to and Peanut: race ("Aw, those are my shadows. I thought a couple theaters. A suicide bomber soon pushed him to 10,000-seat black guys were sneaking up behind me"), homosexuality arenas. Achmed the Dead Terrorist was devised a year after 9/11 ("There'll be a new show out next week called Black Eye on the and introduced to a mass audience in Dunham's second special, Queer Guy"), and immigration (a Christmas carol that goes "O 2007's Spark of Insanity; he sparked an international craze come, all ye illegal immigrants/ Come and get them green cards/ thanks to a pair of expressive eyebrows and one-liners about And learn some damn English/ and then how to drive"). "premature detonation" and farts that smell worse than mustard gas. A video of his dead-terrorist shtick has, in just a year and a For a comic, though, the presentation is just as important as the half, become the sixth-most-watched YouTube clip of all time, material. While Larry the Cable Guy's redneck-y affect draws in with close to 83 million views. Thanks to YouTube, Dunham a rather homogeneous audience, Dunham's dummies make his will go on a five-city European tour this April despite never humor palatable for Comedy Central-watching teenagers and having done any press on the Continent. Achmed also earned the their suburbanite parents, for kids and grandmas, for red staters ventriloquist a cell phone commercial in South Africa, though and blue staters. (One possible exception: black people. In the ad was banned in short order by South Africa's Advertising Arguing With Myself, Sweet Daddy D says that he feels like he's Standards Authority after being deemed offensive to Muslims. at a Dwight Yoakam concert, asking "Is there one other brother in the house tonight?") Dunham's manager, Brown-Marmel, says For Dunham, the South African censorship case was an outlier in that in her 23 years in the business, she's never seen a comedian a mostly controversy-free career. Credit the fact that he doesn't who appeals to so many different demographics. How does move his lips. Dunham told me that he "would shudder to utter" Dunham explain his broad appeal? "You really do have to teach some of the things that come out of his puppets' mouths. Indeed, yourself to entertain the masses rather than just your peers or a the solo stand-up set that Dunham performs at the beginning of certain niche of society," he says, noting that he launched his each show is almost aggressively banal—in the Christmas career by playing shows for Cub Scouts and Kiwanis clubs. special, for example, he talks about his daughter's inability to pump gas and the shockingly large capacity of women's purses. A better analogue than Larry the Cable Guy, says Brown- Nevertheless, it's very canny of Dunham to lead with this Marmel, is Tyler Perry. Both are relatively anonymous stars milquetoast fodder. By establishing himself as a nonthreatening better-known for the characters they've created—in Dunham's stage presence, the ventriloquist sets himself up as the butt of the case, literally—than their own personas. And like Perry, puppets' jokes and, just as importantly, absolves himself from Dunham is always working to expand his brand. The Obama responsibility for Peanut's cracks about a superhero named Gay presidency, he says, represents a great opportunity to bring back Man ("When he flies, his butt whistles. … Don't turn your back Sweet Daddy D, the black puppet that's been on the shelf since on him!") and the mere existence of a black puppet who refers to his first comedy special. Dunham explains that in crafting Sweet himself as a PIMP (that's "player in the management Daddy, he had to research the nuances of the African-American profession"). face, which he calls much "more interesting and dynamic than the plain old Caucasian." While the white man-black puppet Why does Dunham feel compelled to have his puppets crack combo might imply a lack of judgment, Dunham is right as these sorts of jokes? "I honestly think it's that sneaky kid inside usual. What's the secret to his becoming a household name of me that enjoys getting away with stuff that I really shouldn't without, well, anyone knowing his name? The puppets are a lot be getting away with—I'm the little kid walking by the tiger cage more interesting and dynamic than he is. putting a stick in it," he explains. "[The puppets are] saying outlandish things, but there's an innocence to it. You put a 45- year-old up there and have him saying mean things and he's going to appear to be a jerk. Can you imagine seeing South Park being acted out by adults and real humans?" obit "What Are They So Scared Of? I'm Just

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 62/116 a Little Old Lady." She reflected on the irony that Kagame now barred her from Alison Des Forges, 1942-2009. entering Rwanda because her work had become too critical of By Michael J. Kavanagh his authoritarian style. Monday, February 16, 2009, at 12:40 PM ET "They broadcast my name on the radio as an enemy of Rwanda," she told me. "What are they so scared of? I'm just a little old GOMA, Democratic Republic of Congo—I'm writing from the lady." And she laughed her disarming, charming little-old-lady Congolese border town of Goma, overlooking the expansive half-giggle, half-laugh. waters of Lake Kivu and, in the near distance, the hills of Rwanda. Sunset here always seems to promise a tomorrow in You have to have met Alison to understand the outrageousness which the region's sad history of violence might pass. of stories like this. She was no more than 5 feet tall, with silver hair and glassy blue eyes and a slight limp in her gait. But she'd But over the weekend the sadness deepened when we learned stood up to and stared down some of history's most notorious that a plane crash robbed the region of one of its fiercest criminals and had seen enough horrors to, very literally, fill an advocates, Alison Des Forges of Human Rights Watch. 800-page book and thousands of pages of reports.

If the Rwandan genocide was one of the defining political Presidents and rebel leaders in the region feared her because they crimes of the 20th century—an event that made the international knew she was fearless. community rethink the way it did business—Alison was its most important Anglophone chronicler. Even today, as many of the The most common criticism of Alison's work, particularly on genocide's perpetrators still face prosecution and others are Rwanda, is that it sometimes failed to take into account the being chased down here in Congo, she was one of the essential unique political and security needs of a country just emerging voices explaining this unfolding. from conflict. The criticism is not unfounded, but it misses the point. The job of a human rights worker is not the same as that For the legion of journalists, diplomats, academics, and lawyers of a politician who needs to make unenviable compromises who work on Central Africa, her loss is immeasurable. For the between security and justice. A human rights worker is in the thousands of Rwandese, Congolese, Burundians, and Ugandans business of giving voice to the voiceless, uncovering injustice, (and, I'm sure, many others) for whom Alison fought to protect and advocating for its redress. Alison Des Forges—brilliant, their good name from false accusations, or to safeguard their indefatigable, and, above all, passionate—reveled in this. freedom or their right to justice or even life, the pain of her loss will be still more acute. As our last conversation ended, Alison laughed. "Isn't it so much fun to talk about Rwanda?" Alison and I first met briefly in the 1990s when I was still a student. Once I began covering Rwanda and Congo as a She asked me this almost every time we talked over the years, journalist in 2003, we would talk a few times every year—often and it always surprised me. Each time she said it with genuine long, digressive, sparkling storytelling sessions. glee, as if Rwanda was her newest crush and not a country she'd been married to—faithfully—for more than 40 years. In November 2008, the last time we spoke, I called her at home in Buffalo, N.Y., to see if she could clarify some basic history Here in Congo, we journalists and researchers and U.N. workers about Hutus and Tutsis in eastern Congo. She regaled me with are already back on the job, puzzling over the Rwandan army's stories for more than two and a half hours. As I look through my mission to hunt down a rebel group led by wanted génocidaires. notes, I realize that it's the stories—the human, humanizing But we've lost one of our most important advisers, cheerleaders, stories about life here in Central Africa—that I will miss most. sources, and friends. And our work will be done with significantly less joy. That night, she retold one of her favorites about a set of Rwandan identical twins who still can't agree about whether they are Hutu or Tutsi. She laughed about a time in 1994 when she was investigating massacres deep in the Rwandan forest and she had to translate some vernacular Kinyarwanda for erstwhile other magazines Tutsi rebel leader and current Rwandan President Paul Kagame, whose language skills were still rusty after a refugee childhood The Joy of Stress Newsweek on how anxiety can be good. spent in Uganda. By Kara Hadge Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 2:46 PM ET

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 63/116 the legality of "enticing lots of people to pay a little money for Newsweek, Feb. 23 the chance to win" something. The cover story argues that stress is not always detrimental to our health. Small amounts of stress "can motivate us to do better at jobs we care about" and eventually make us "more resilient." New York, Feb. 23 In fact, "some psychologists are starting to define a phenomenon To coincide with New York's Fashion Week, the Spring Fashion called posttraumatic growth." However, constant stress and the issue profiles a 17-year-old "serial shoplifter." After easily feeling that we lack control of our circumstances cause neurons lifting clothes from a Macy's in Queens, N.Y., at age 16, Kevahn to "shrivel and stop communicating with each other, and brain Thorpe started hitting Manhattan's upscale department stores to tissue shrinks in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex, which outfit himself in trendy designer clothing, until his stealing play roles in learning, memory and rational thought." … Another sprees in Barney's and Bergdorf Goodman forced him to spend article reveals unrest in Russia's "monotowns," or places "more time on Rikers than at school, which didn't quite jibe with "dominated by a single industry." Founded by Soviet-era his new image." Despite multiple stints in jail, the teenager, now autocrats, the towns were supposed to guarantee prosperity in state prison, does not intend to give up dressing well and through local jobs. Now their residents "are protesting job remains unrepentant about stealing. "[T]he stores are religious losses," and the Kremlin "fears that all its troops and rescue shrines for him." … An author accompanies a 20-year-old male funds won't be enough to control angry people who believed in model around town during fall Fashion Week. The article their leaders' promises of wealth, national greatness and political follows the Nashville native from backstage at the fashion stability." shows, "where the female models are avoiding the male models like at recess in elementary school," to models' apartments "filled with a new crop of pretty faces" each season. New Republic, March 4 The cover story warns that the collapse of newspapers does not bode well for democracy because "the lower the free circulation The New Yorker, Feb. 23 of newspapers in a country, the higher it stands on the corruption A profile of Ian McEwan probes the British novelist's "empirical index." Economically, "the Internet has undermined the temperament." He "is wary of relying too much on intuition" and newspaper's role as market intermediary" between advertisers often turns to scientific research to determine the psychological and consumers. However, online media have not yet replaced reasons for his characters' behavior. "McEwan is a connoisseur newspapers' "original coverage of public affairs," which serves a of dread," stretching suspenseful moments across dozens of crucial function in American democracy. … A feature considers pages, and his plots often "hinge on a single, transformative the work under way at the new State Department, where event." His own life seems to be marked by "transformative" Secretary of State Hillary Clinton "is clearly lured by the moments, too, including his discovery as an adult that his older possibility of proactively shaping U.S. foreign policy rather than brother was given up for adoption. … Jane Mayer reports on Ali frantically rushing from continent to continent wielding a Saleh Kahlah al-Marri, "an alleged Al Qaeda sleeper agent" and diplomatic fire extinguisher." To that end, she has already begun "the last 'enemy combatant' being detained in America." Marri dispatching envoys to deal with "hotspots like the Middle East has been held without trial in the naval brig in Charleston, S.C., and Central Asia." At home in Washington, though, "the for over five years, at the order of President George W. Bush. outsized personalities" in the State Department risk clashes of His case in the Supreme Court this April will likely raise "a host their own. of complicated questions about [the Obama administration's] approach to fighting terrorism."

Weekly Standard, Feb. 23 The cover story argues that the stimulus package should increase funding to law enforcement. The proposed $1 billion would add 10,000 to 15,000 police officers to the nation's total of 650,000 poem for one year: "a drop in the bucket—and too short-term." In Iraq, it took a surge in the number of visible troops "to reassure local "The Sound That Wakes Me at Night, residents that they can walk the streets in peace." The author Thinking of It" favors a similar approach in the U.S. Despite the drop in crime By Charles Harper Webb in the 1990s, violent crime has multiplied several times since the Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 2:06 PM ET 1950s and has become more concentrated in the poorest urban areas. … An article looks into "entertainment shopping" Click the arrow on the audio player to hear Charles Harper company Swoopo, a Web site on which users pay a small fee Webb read this poem. You can also download the recording or each time they place a bid. Swoopo makes a killing on the fees, subscribe to Slate's Poetry Podcast on iTunes. and bidders can score huge discounts, but the author questions

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 64/116 . Turning down money is not supposed to be in a governor's DNA. (Most states are legally required to balance their budgets Not his wife—sobbing, refusing to get out of bed. every year.) But that's what six Republican governors have Not his kids, kept home from school, snuffling hinted they will do once stimulus money starts rolling in. or wailing, "I want Daddy," when they're not poking each other or whining, "He hit me!" "I'm better off not to get it," said Mississippi Gov. Haley Not little brother, jarred awake at 2 a.m., phlegm- Barbour. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin opposed the stimulus bill throating, "Fuckers," thinking it took more than one, because it's "not fair to Alaskans to create expectations about fury his finger-in-the-dike stopping a flood. programs that wouldn't be sustainable." Other governors, like Bobby Jindal of Louisiana and Rick Perry of Texas, said they Not his mother, rocking, wrapped in her own were concerned about conditional funding. "My concern is arms, her face in the bathroom mirror so twisted there's going to be commitments attached to it that are a mile and old it stops her cold, the way she might long," said Perry. "We need the freedom to pick and choose. have stopped him, if she hadn't popped pills And we need the freedom to say 'No thanks.' " to sleep and wake and feel better about her life that always was, she sees now, fabulously good. None of the governors said what provisions in the bill they'd No, it's his father, in court, his speech prepared: oppose. So it's worth taking a look at what, exactly, they'd be turning down. the "impact statement" meant to heap years of hot-coal suffering on the bastard's head, Say that all six governors—we're talking Texas, Mississippi, since judge and jury—those pukes, those bleeding, South Carolina, Alaska, Idaho, and Louisiana—rejected the heartless ulcers—lacked the stones to squash stimulus outright. They would be saying "no" to a collective a stinkbug. It's Dad, hearing the killer parrot, 424,000 jobs, according to White House estimates. They'd also "a drug deal gone bad"—that junkie, that syphilitic be sniffing at a total of $3.8 billion for highways and bridges, gob of tapeworm pus casually adding, as part $559 million for public transit, and $1.5 billion for education. And that's not including state-specific projects like Louisiana's of the deal that saved his life, "I popped the kid." $460 million for flood protection efforts, which include building It's Dad, flying over chairs and tables, past locks and dams as well as coastal restoration. All told, they bailiffs and lawyers to reach, somehow, would be rejecting an estimated $69 billion. the killer's throat, his own releasing a sound between a train grinding to a panic-stop, You'd have to be crazy to turn down that kind of money, and a jet fighter screeching off to bomb Iraq— especially when states are so strapped. (Louisiana faces a $1.6 sound of a gut-stuck sabertooth before it mauled billion budget shortfall next year.) And so many of the GOP governors have backtracked. As much as it might offend them Neanderthal—berserker-sound trapped ideologically, they are willing to accept this federal largesse for in suburbia, the one act that could comfort him the greater good of the citizens of [insert state here], who face choked off by Law, but not the sound unprecedented hardship as blah blah blah. that, even when he's dragged away on national TV—thrashing, head thrown back, mouth gaped That's not a direct quote. But their rhetoric leaves the distinct wide as a bear's—I know he won't stop making, impression that it is more than ideology that is driving their hour after hour, year after year. about-face. Maybe, just maybe, some of these guys are running for president. . Perry, whose name has been floated as a possible 2012'er, notified the White House on Wednesday that Texas would accept the stimulus money after all. Following some thought, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who was on John McCain's politics short list for vice president, also said he'd be OK taking the money. But he's not happy about it. Bobby Jindal, whose name Take the Money and Run is never more than 10 words away from "2012," seems more Republican governors don't really want to reject stimulus money—they just concerned about displaying skepticism than depriving want to complain about it. By Christopher Beam constituents of desperately needed funds. Likewise, no one Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 7:22 PM ET actually expects Sarah Palin to turn down her state's cut of the stimulus.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 65/116 A few may still reject this federal generosity for purely Then, there is the search for a personal connection to Canada. ideological reasons. Barbour slashed $90 million in education Bush disappointed here again—but President Obama's brother- spending from the Mississippi state budget last month—what's in-law is from Burlington, Ontario! Finally, there is the attempt another $132 million? (A spokesman said his main concern is by Canadian institutions to steal some of the presidential about paying benefits to part-time employees who are laid off.) limelight. Among the most popular, but perhaps the most Idaho Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter is famously libertarian. "I vote provincial, was a CBC Radio contest inviting Canadians to stuff not just no but hell no," he once said in opposing an anti- Obama's iPod with Canadian songs. (Congratulations, Joni pornography law. He even opposed drug laws: By restricting Mitchell and Malajube; better luck next time, Steppenwolf and freedom, he said, "the government, in effect, is taking away the Céline Dion.) only real gift the Lord gave us." The key to any first meeting between president and prime But some have managed—or attempted—to have it both ways. minister is establishing a good personal working relationship. Sanford argued that taking money from the stimulus package he Brian Mulroney and Ronald Reagan's duet on "When Irish Eyes opposed doesn't make him any less ideologically pure: "There Are Smiling" at an Irish-themed summit in Quebec City was a are a lot of Democrats that voted against tax cuts and yet they high point, while Lyndon Johnson's manhandling of Lester B. don't go back to their states and their congressional districts and Pearson is best forgotten. What do Obama and Prime Minister tell their folks, 'Look you can't take the tax cut because if so it'll Stephen Harper share? Apparently, kids of a similar age and an undo what I believe.' " enjoyment of policy wonkery. (Harper, however, has yet to share in Obama's cross-border appeal—the "Americans for Harper" Luckily, these governors don't have to suffer the political site awaits your registration.) consequences of turning down much-needed funds. They're insulated by a provision in the bill that says if a governor doesn't Today's visit, with almost four hours of total face time for request spending within 45 days, the state legislature can accept Harper, was long enough for both men to engage in some serious the cash on its own. (Rep. James Clyburn of South Carolina policy talk. Three issues dominate the public conversation in inserted the measure when Sanford made noises about rejecting Canada about the U.S. relationship: free trade; Afghanistan, the funds.*) So the governors get a twofer: They get to show where Canada has sustained 108 combat deaths since 2002 with their ideological stripes by rejecting the money (or at least a deployment of about 2,700 troops; and climate change, oil, and frowning really hard), and they get to spend it! energy issues.

Of course, it's doubtful a governor would even wait the requisite Canadians are occasionally aware, as Obama's U.N. Ambassador 45 days. A state economy can plummet within that time, and no Susan Rice once said, that they are like "the shy, admiring boy chief executive wants to take the blame for calamity. Better to who gets all spiffed up to win the heart of his dreamboat, while register vague doubts, change a line or two in the language, and she doesn't even know he exists." So in addition to the cash in. Presidential campaigns have been built on less. government-to-government contacts, Canadians, and some Americans, are doing end runs around that formal relationship— Correction, Feb. 20, 2009: This article originally identified Rep. attempting to shape responses to free trade, political, economic, Clyburn as a senator. and climate change challenges in new ways.

On the issue of free trade, the Buy America provision of the stimulus bill states: "None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available by this Act may be used for a project for the politics construction, alteration, maintenance, or repair of a public building or public work unless all of the iron, steel, and Yes, We Can, Eh? manufactured goods used in the project are produced in the How Canadians are dealing with an American president they actually like. United States." This is a huge challenge to Canada, which sends By Karim Bardeesy more than 80 percent of its exports to the United States. Despite Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 6:41 PM ET all that talk you've heard about China, Canada is still the U.S.'s largest trading partner, with more than $550 billion in goods and services crossing the border each year. There is a pattern to U.S. presidential visits familiar to many Canadians. First, there is eager anticipation after an election— Nobody knows precisely how Canada would be affected by this will Canada be blessed with the new president's first foreign provision. But it has caused a collective shudder—especially in visit? That tradition was upset by George W. Bush in 2001, who Ontario, the country's manufacturing center, where auto went to Mexico first. (He's making up for it by giving an early manufacturing is heavily integrated with the United States. post-presidential speech in a welcoming petro-emirate: Calgary.) "We're deeply concerned," says Thomas d'Aquino of the

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 66/116 Canadian Council of Chief Executives, the country's main big- adviser Paul Volcker told a Canadian audience this week that the business lobby. "It could apply to anything." Globe and Mail ideal banking system, focusing on traditional lending and blogger Andrew Steele puts it bluntly: "If Obama leaves the depositing "looks more like the Canadian system than the meeting thinking anything but 'gotta stop Congress from American system." screwing the Canadians on trade' it is a failure of a meeting." Ontario's International Trade Minister Sandra Pupatello is more Still, most Canadians viewed today's visit as an occasion to vent optimistic, saying she has been encouraged by her conversations their historic insecurities about their larger, noisier, and more with American officials and auto executives. famous southern neighbor. Referring to Obama's visit, Ed McNamara, a Toronto screenwriter, said, "I don't hope he'll do But there's hardly national agreement on the value of free trade anything great. I fear we're going to do something stupid." to Canada in the first place. A June 2008 poll shows that as many Canadians think free trade has been bad for the country as Correction, Feb. 20, 2009: This article mistakenly stated that think it's been good, and 60 percent think the United States has Canada has had no foreign-born prime minister since the 19th benefited more. This ambivalence may help explain the century. John Turner, prime minister in 1984, was born in the Canadian Auto Workers union's call for a "Buy Canadian" United Kingdom. (Return to the corrected sentence.) policy to apply to any future Canadian stimulus package. This is especially remarkable because CAW members staff many of those Canadian auto plants that could be threatened by the Buy America plan. politics On climate change, Harper's reluctance to call for quick cuts in carbon emissions has many Canadian environmentalists looking The Burris Doctrine south for support. Buoyed by their perceptions about Obama's No more sound bites! Except this one. By Christopher Beam platform, activist groups and Indian tribes have bought ads in American papers, hoping to "make it clear to Obama that Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 7:01 PM ET Canada's citizens do not support our Prime Minister's climate wrecking." Today's announcement of a tepid-sounding "clean Roland Burris may not have channeled any money to Rod energy dialogue" between the two countries is likely to continue Blagojevich, but he sure is channeling him. Canadian pressure via American channels. "Integrity, honor, and character are not easy to come by," Burris This wagon-hitching can be explained by cross-border said Wednesday in a speech at the City Club of Chicago. "These connections and political realities. Obama's disapproval rating in things are built over a lifetime with our own hands. They are Canada is less than 4 percent, while Harper clings to power in a demonstrated by your family, your friends, your deeds, and the minority parliament. "You have a Canadian prime minister who work you leave behind." wants Canada to look more like the U.S., and an American president who wants the U.S. to look more like Canada," says Burris recited his accomplishments as a warm body over the pollster Peter Donolo. previous four weeks: "During the short time I have been in the Senate," he intoned, "we have passed extraordinary legislation." Obama may be the face of the political future in a Canada where We? He mentioned the Children's Health Insurance Program, every fifth resident is foreign-born but which has had only one which had long been in the pipeline; the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay foreign-born prime minister since the days of 19th-century Act, on which Burris did not vote; and the stimulus bill, in which Scottish immigration.* Some Canadians who are asking he played no discernible role. It was not unlike Blagojevich "Where's our Obama?" have settled on someone who shares his pretending, during his trial, that he was impeached not for world-traveler and Harvard connections: opposition leader selling a politician's seat but because he tried to get flu vaccines Michael Ignatieff, who also knows Obama economic adviser for kids and prescription drugs for the elderly. Lawrence Summers and foreign-policy adviser Samantha Power. Burris announced his intention to stonewall further inquiries: Of course, there are a few things Canadian that Americans "What I will no longer do after today, now that there's an would like. There's oil and natural gas to be bought (though at ongoing investigation, is engage the media and have facts drip around $40 a barrel, the tap from Alberta's tar sands is closing, out in selective sound bites." Make that two ethics with further development projects becoming uneconomical). investigations: one by an Illinois prosecutor and one by the U.S. And Obama appears to have been briefed on Canada's mostly Senate. sound banking system, which has required no TARP money and little regulatory rescue—he touted Canada's fiscal and financial If there's anyone responsible for the "drip," though, it's Burris. strength during his pre-visit interview with the CBC. Obama First, in a sworn affidavit dated Jan. 5, he said he had no contact

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 67/116 with anyone from Blagojevich's office. Three days later, he article by Walter Isaacson, both which advocated variations on contradicted that statement in testimony, saying that he had, in the micropayment model. Neither advances the topic much fact, contacted Blagojevich's chief of staff. Then he submitted a beyond what most Web entrepreneurs understood long ago. "clarification" affidavit on Feb. 5 (which didn't emerge until Feb. 14) saying his testimony had been incomplete—he had, in fact, Paid content's failures are well-documented. Slate gave up on spoken three times with Blagojevich's brother, Robert. But not the subscriber model in early 1999. The New York Times folded about anything improper. (This came out after he probably its TimesSelect product of columnists and archives in 2007, learned that those conversations may have been recorded by the concluding a two-year run, even though it was taking in $10 FBI.) Then, speaking to reporters on Monday, Burris million a year. The latimes.com set free its CalendarLive section volunteered that at Robert's request, he had tried to raise money of arts, reviews, and listings in May 2005 after a 21-month paid for Blagojevich. Fortunately, he couldn't find any donors. experiment. To name another ambitious venture among the many, the 2000 startup Inside.com, which charged several Going into hiding won't stop the drip. The Chicago Tribune and hundred dollars a year, failed to attract its 30,000 desired the Washington Post have both called for him to resign. And as subscribers and expired. Illinois candidates gear up for 2010, the question of how Burris landed his seat won't go away. Democrats are already getting These failures tell us much about what customers refused to pay squeamish—Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin said Wednesday that for on the Web. But they tell us little about what customers will Burris' public statements need to be examined—and Illinois pay for. Not all successful paid sites are alike, but they all share Republicans want blood. Burris will be in the headlines whether at least one of these attributes: 1) They are so amazing as to be he likes it or not—even if he comes out clean. Which at this irreplaceable. 2) They are beautifully designed and executed and point appears unlikely. extremely easy to use. 3) They are stupendously authoritative.

At any rate, Burris' claim that he won't be engaging the media on Wildly unique and immensely useful describes the paid site these issues appears to be false. Just before Wednesday's presser, ConsumerReports.org. If you're in the market for a new sewing Politico reported that Burris is, in fact, doubling down and machine, want to outfit a home gym, or want tips on buying starting a "PR offensive." insurance, there's no more comprehensive place for your queries than ConsumerReports.org. No free site on the Web compares. It's been suggested that Burris' woes could actually help The site currently has 3.3 million paid subscribers: About 3 Democrats. If he becomes soiled enough, the logic goes, then million of them pay $26 annually, and the rest pay by the month he'll just go away in 2010. But his determination to stay alive ($5.95). That's in addition to the 4 million print copies the now suggests that won't happen. (If there's one thing he's shown magazine moves each month to subscribers. this past month, it's a penchant for flouting party leaders.) Burris may not win a Democratic primary, but he can bruise his Major League Baseball's MLB.TV succeeds by extending its opponent enough to clear the path for a Republican victory. monopoly over pro baseball to the Web. Baseball fans are insane, which explains why the site attracted about 500,000 fans Best-case scenario: The investigation drags out into a long, ugly last year who paid $120 to watch its live broadcast of games. embarrassment for the Democrats. Blagojevich would be proud. According to a Times article, another 350,000 customers paid $15 to listen to games over the Web. The number of subscribers would be greater still if MLB.TV didn't black out local teams to preserve the exclusivity of the teams' and the league's contracts with TV networks. Miss the game in real time? MLB.TV will let press box you play it back later if you subscribe. Want to watch the game DVR-style? MLB.TV will let you pause and fast-forward live Not All Information Wants To Be Free games if you subscribe to the "premium" variety. Love that Inventing and refining the rich content that wants to be sold. madcap game from Up North? MLB.TV markets NHL games, By Jack Shafer too. Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 7:33 PM ET The biggest-grossing paid content site has got to be the Apple iTunes store, which became the top music retailer a year ago, The idea that people won't pay for content online has become displacing Wal-Mart, according to one study. The store is said to such a part of the Web orthodoxy that New York Times have sold 6 billion songs since it started in 2003. But why do Executive Editor Bill Keller risked getting lynched earlier this customers flock to iTunes (or Amazon or Rhapsody or the month for merely musing about paid models for the online others) to purchase a song or album from, say, U2, one at a time editions of his paper. Not helping Keller's cogitation was a when they could easily download the band's entire discography contemporaneous "secret memo" from Steve Brill and a Time via Bittorrent for free? Of course, many do. The napkin math

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 68/116 provided by Hitsville's Bill Wyman estimates that iTunes sales doesn't release subscription numbers for it. A combined 2.3 are microscopic compared with the volumes moved on file- million subscribe to its Dow Jones Factiva and Dow Jones sharing sites. So, again, why do some customers pay for their Newswires. music? The same question obviously applies to movies and TV shows. Other examples of online success include Nexis (8 million "seat users"), the Bloomberg terminal, the 50,000 Times premium Obviously, some people prefer walking the straight and narrow crosswords subscribers, and paying customers at with iTunes rather than committing wanton copyright NewspaperArchive.com; CooksIllustrated.com and infringement with Bittorrent and tempting a fine or a jail FineCooking.com; Xbox Live; genealogical, fantasy sports, sentence. But that's not the complete answer. While it's easy to gambling, and pornography sites; and elsewhere. ESPN360.com, acquire the entire U2 discography for free on a file-sharing site, currently a loss leader for a number of large Internet service it's still easier and faster to use iTunes to search for and purchase providers, could easily command paying customers if placed the tracks you really want. The iTunes app combines the player outside the fence. and the store inside one skin, and it also allows you to build playlists and to move your music to your iPod deftly. Every successful paid site competes with free sites, and as often as not, competes with itself by offering its own free content. The That iTunes is a free-standing application and not contained free stuff is used to upsell the customer to the paid varieties. The inside a browser, as is the Amazon music store, is not accidental, extreme application of this model is giving away 99 percent of and I reckon that its "outside the browser" design has played the product and selling 1 percent—it's called "freemium," and some role in its success. Consumers have been conditioned to Wired editor Chris Anderson talks about it in this interview and think that content delivered by a browser is supposed to be free. on his blog. They get annoyed when they encounter a pay wall on a browser but are more psychologically open to the nonbrowser Web If the commercial Internet didn't get going until 1995, then we're interface. only 13 or 14 years into the Web era. When television was 13 or 14, practically no pay-TV operations existed outside of a By thinking outside the browser, Apple answers to nobody but relatively few cable television operations. Starting the 1970s and itself when it wants to add features, such as movies and TV then in the 1980s, paid TV in the form of HBO and other show sales and rentals—or when subtracting them. If the premium stations started to take root. Radio, born in the early browser window is the commons, the iTunes application is 1920s, didn't arrive in a paid form until just early in this century. Apple's castle, where you're expected to do as you're told. Very few online newspapers or magazines are sufficiently useful to demand a paying premium. But for those who hold dear the Another outside-the-browser experiment, nowhere near as notion that information on the Web will forever want to be free, successful as the iTunes app, is the New York Times' Times it's early yet. Keep your eyes peeled for publications whose Web Reader, which delivers a very readable version of the paper. I sites are sprouting nonbrowser apps, refining their content, found the Times Reader good enough to pay for when I reviewed experimenting with new reading devices, bulking up their it in September 2006, and I have great hopes for the forthcoming databases, and above all, publications that are listening to the version, built on Adobe's AIR 1.5 platform. A third example of man from Google who this week wrote: "outside" product and software design for content is Amazon's Kindle, which thinks both outside the browser and outside the [O]nline journalism is still in its relative personal computer. infancy. … The experience of consuming news on the web today fails to take full If I were in charge of recruiting paid users, I'd ape Apple, the advantage of the power of technology. It Times, and the Kindle to create a boutique environment in which doesn't understand what users want in order to to push content. Luckily for Slate, I don't have that duty. The give them what they need. When I go to a site Plastic Logic platform, or something like it, is an obvious place like the New York Times … it should know to Kindle-ize or iTune-ize various types of online content. what I am interested in and what has changed since my last visit. If I read the story on the US stimulus package only six hours ago, then just You don't necessarily have to control the device to succeed at show me the updates the reporter has filed selling online content. Consider the Financial Times' Web site, FT.com, which had 99,000 paying customers as of last summer; since then (and the most interesting responses the Wall Street Journal's WSJ.com, which counts 1,079,000 from readers, bloggers, or other sources). … Beyond that, present to me a front page rich subscribers (some of whom also get the print edition); and the with interesting content selected by smart Journal's sister publication, Barron's, which has 150,000 Web editors, customized based on my reading subscribers. The mother company also sells the super-premium habits (tracked with my permission). Browsing Barron's Daily Stock Alert—$795 for a year, right now—but

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 69/116 a newspaper is rewarding and serendipitous, called Futon World. To me, that sounds like a magical place that and doing it online should be even better. This becomes less comfortable over time." will not by itself solve the newspapers' business problems, but our heritage suggests Martin's diary also included photographs and a poem he once that creating a superior user experience is the wrote by rearranging the words on a Rolling Rock bottle. best place to start. The full diary entries can be read here. ****** Correction, Feb. 18, 2009: The article mistakenly stated that the Is the iPhone App Store software as content or content as theme of the first episode of Important Things With Demetri software? Thanks to Adrian Monck for the Google guy clip and Martin was "power." The theme of that episode was "timing." more. Send more examples of successful paid sites to (Return to the corrected sentence.) [email protected].(E-mail may be quoted by name in "The Fray," Slate's readers' forum; in a future article; or elsewhere unless the writer stipulates otherwise. Permanent disclosure: Slate is owned by the Washington Post Co.) slate v Track my errors: This hand-built RSS feed will ring every time Slate runs a "Press Box" correction. For e-mail notification of The Patient Actor errors in this specific column, type the words paid content in the A daily video from Slate V. subject head of an e-mail message, and send it to Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 10:51 AM ET [email protected]. TK

recycled Demetri Martin's Slate Diary slate v A weeklong journal from the comedian and writer. Dear Prudence: Engagement Ring By Demetri Martin Secret Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 2:56 PM ET A daily video from Slate V. Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 10:14 AM ET Demetri Martin's new TV show, Important Things With Demetri Martin, debuted on Comedy Central on Feb. 11. The half-hour TK variety shows mixes Martin's idiosyncratic stand-up (complete with charts, drawings, and musical instruments) with original sketches centered on a common theme. The first show's theme was "timing."* sports nut Back in 2004, when Martin was writing sketches for Late Night With Conan O'Brien and working on his stand-up, he wrote a Deep in the Glute of Texas weeklong diary for Slate. Martin discussed the benefits and How did A-Rod's Rangers become ground zero for baseball's steroids scandal? By Mike Shropshire drawbacks of living in a six-floor walk-up, recounted an ongoing music war with a neighbor, and talked about the time he tried to Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 1:45 PM ET grow a mustache: "I look like a supporting actor in a gay porno about diner busboys. (Possible title: Sugar Packets or Sweet & Low.)" Flashback: It's circa 2001, and Alex Rodriguez sleeps in his North Texas mansion on Lakeside Drive. He lives among the most prosperous plutocrats and petro-sexuals in the state, just Over the course of the week, Martin reported on his comedic around the corner from the swell crib Dick Cheney occupied successes and failures. While taping a sketch for Conan before a during his Lone Star tenure. A-Rod is having a nightmare. live audience, he flubbed one of his lines, leaving him "sweaty and desperate" as he watched the playback on a monitor. Later in the week, during a stand-up routine, he scored a hit with the In the dream, Rodriguez stands in the batter's box. Bottom of the deadpan observation: "There is a store in my neighborhood ninth, World Series on the line. He hears a play-by-play voice.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 70/116 "A-Rod hits a drive to deep center! It's going … going … but it's If A-Rod had bothered to ask around, he would have learned a not gone! The outfielder catches the ball for the final out because local folk remedy to defeat the heat. It's called a Fort Worth Air A-Rod is too weak to hit it into the cheap seats. What a c—! And Conditioner, and it consists of a large plastic cup filled with little Johnny, the hospitalized youth who A-Rod had promised a tequila on the rocks, colored by a couple of tablespoons of home run, will never walk again because he just died." orange juice. Rangers players had relied on that concoction for three decades, and nobody ever heard a single one of them carp Now baseball's quarter-billion-dollar baby wakes up with the about life within the world's largest sauna. That was the old shakes. The pressure from all that dough has transformed A- Arlington Stadium, with its shadeless metal stands configured Rod's central nervous system into Silly Putty. He stares out like a gravel pit, where the scoreboard thermometer once hit 120 across the front lawn that he's had landscaped to resemble a degrees Fahrenheit in the first inning of a night game. tropical rain forest. Then the superstar is struck with the reassuring voice of reality. Remember where you are, boy! This But let's leave aside Rodriguez's astounding revelation that he isn't the major leagues. … This is Texas, the foreign legion of was more obsessed with the numbers on the thermometer than sports. This franchise has produced enough notorious his own batting stats. Otherwise, the heart-rending saga of his characters to fill a wax museum and has a training room stocked Rangers tenure—"I am sorry for my Texas years," he told with enough performance enhancers for a Russian woman shot- Gammons—holds up under scrutiny. The Texas Rangers putter. You know the Rangers' slogan: If God hadn't wanted man franchise seems to have been fashioned from the template to shoot juice, He wouldn't have given him a butt. Come on, kid. presented by 1961's The Comancheros. That motion picture, like Get with the program. the Arlington baseball club, was set in a desert sanctuary so remote it existed beyond the reach of law and order, the ideal And that's about when Rodriguez made the decision to desecrate redoubt for bandits, cutthroats, and their ilk. his temple of a body. From its very outset, this asylum of a baseball team stocked its OK, maybe that's not exactly how it went down. But that was the roster with retreads and lovable lunatics, far more notable for impression that I got from watching his wrenching confessional their off-the-field exploits than their lamentable status in the on ESPN with Peter Gammons. During that uncomfortable American League. Those early Rangers—the Boys of session, the word that came out of A-Rod's mouth most often Bummer—shot themselves with handguns, not syringes. They wasn't baseball or steroids or sorry or stupid. It was Texas. He turned themselves into human statues, they lived beneath ocean said it 16 times, and his implication was clear: His steroid usage piers while hiding from the cops during spring training, they beat started in Arlington and ended there, a pre-Yankees fad. In his the living crap out of manager Frank Lucchesi, they resorted to press conference on Tuesday, A-Rod tried to backtrack a bit, every possible tactic to avoid the boredom of a Hall of Fame saying that his "mistake [had] nothing to do with where I induction ceremony in Cooperstown. played." Rather, he pinned his habit on youth and curiosity, the stupid innocence of some eighth-grader trying to get high on his So it is not surprising that with the advent of baseball's steroids little sister's asthma inhaler. He should have stuck with the era, the Rangers' clubhouse seemingly became a haven for blame it on Texas explanation. I could sympathize with that idea, players with a flair for experimentation. In other words, success- as could most Rangers fans: What choice did he have but to do oriented individuals who wouldn't say no to anything. drugs, considering that he was exiled with the most bizarre team in organized sports? While the Dallas Cowboys were monopolizing national headlines thanks to their penchant for recreational drug use, the I covered the Rangers for a newspaper when the team arrived Rangers—who plied their trade in the baseball equivalent of from Washington as a major-league foster child. Right from the parts unknown—rose to the top of the standings in the under- outset, it was evident that the vessel was cracked. From Billy the-counter-dope league. Alleged early practitioners included Martin in the dugout to Jimmy Piersall in the broadcast booth to Rubén Sierra, Rafael Palmeiro, Iván Rodríguez, and Juan Willie Davis on the field, the team had an unquenchable capacity González, to name only a few—a who's who of chemically to recruit personalities from the fringe. That characteristic fortified all-stars. If nothing else, this team must now be endured. Always will, I am now convinced. remembered as pioneers of the contemporary era of baseball, when a scouting report on a prospect might read: "Has limited While I wouldn't wish a stint with the Rangers on any man, my range, but earnest face will make him believable while perjuring patience with A-Rod vanishes when he drags the weatherman himself before a congressional committee." into the equation. "You know, it was hot in Texas every day," Rodriguez said to Gammons by way of explanation for his As you might expect, baseball's steroids prince eventually found doping. "It was over 100 degrees. You know, you felt like— his way to Arlington. "I don't know about Typhoid Mary, but I without trying to over-investigate what you're taking—can I don't think there's any question that when I arrived in Texas [in have an edge, just to get out there and play every day?" 1992], the other Rangers saw me as a useful resource," José

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 71/116 Canseco explained in his memoir Juiced. "Before long, other I've got lots of free time, so why stop learning? I sat in on an players from all around the baseball world saw what was going instructive lecture by David Swensen, the whiz who manages on with me and my buddies and Texas." Yale's endowment, about strategies for investing over the long term. A few days later, I attended a class taught by Harvard's To make this passage even juicier, Canseco implies that George Larry Summers, who's now an economic adviser to President W. Bush—then the Rangers' managing general partner— Obama. Summers was arguing that macroeconomics in the next engineered the trade that brought Jose to Texas because of his century will be shaped more by financial crises than by the prowess in the use of Superman serum. Alas, this point is where business cycle—or something like that. I can't really say because Canseco's oft-reliable narrative strays from reality. First of all, he was pretty dull, and I discreetly walked out; instead, I visited the Rangers didn't need José Canseco to tutor them in the finer Princeton economist Alan Blinder's lecture about the origins of arts of shooting up. Any North Texas high-school football player the financial mess, which was far snappier. worthy of the all-district patch on his letter jacket could have assisted them in that regard. Secondly, having had his fingers And that's not all! I'm also taking a thrilling class on game burned for approving the Sammy Sosa trade in 1989, Bush had theory taught by Yale economist Benjamin Polak, and I'm retreated from participating in roster decisions. In the only thinking of signing up for courses in electrical engineering at conversation I ever had with Bush regarding his Rangers days, I MIT, computer programming at Stanford, and climate change came away convinced that he was oblivious to Dr. policy at Berkeley. I live in San Francisco, but I attended all of Frankenstein's presence in the training room. According to Bush, these classes without ever leaving my house, often while I was he was much more concerned over the mental state of his supposed to have been doing something else. Over the last few pitching, referring to one of his staff aces as "a fucking psycho." years, snooty universities across the country have been filming their lectures and putting their course material online. A few If José Canseco did leave a legacy in the Rangers' clubhouse that months ago, Academic Earth, a startup founded by a young Yale extended through the A-Rod years, then it prevailed not only graduate named Richard Ludlow, began collecting these videos here but throughout the sport. That's one thing that Rodriguez and packaging them into full-length courses. The result is a got right on Tuesday. He didn't start taking steroids because the geeky procrastinator's dream. evils of Arlington made a squeaky-clean player go dirty. No, A- Rod got on the juice because, in a single decade, the rest of the It's been years since I was in school, and I've got few fond baseball world took on the characteristics of its seedy memories of going to class. But Academic Earth is unexpectedly underbelly. We are all Texans now. irresistible. It's like Hulu, but for nerds. Many of the professors are great teachers, and, unlike in college, I can go to class on my own time—which ensures that I'm not too sleepy to understand what's going on. Academic Earth achieves something like what Google was trying to pull off with Knol, the messy technology encyclopedialike project that the search engine launched last year. Both sites let you learn from recognized experts rather than How To Go to Harvard for Free from the anonymous crowds who populate Wikipedia. But The joys of Academic Earth's online video lectures. Academic Earth bests Knol, because the experts here aren't just By Farhad Manjoo throwing up their opinions whenever the mood strikes them. Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 3:09 PM ET Instead, they're doing their jobs—teaching in actual classrooms, at recognized universities, to real, live, students.

Over the last few months, I've been trying to educate myself on Most of the videos have excellent production quality. They our financial crisis. To that end, I dropped in on a class at Yale capture the professor, her blackboard notes, and even that examined real estate finance and the roots of the federal discussions with students (in a few videos, though, the students government's involvement in the mortgage industry. "A lot of aren't adequately miked, so it's difficult to hear their questions). people have the impression that home prices only go up," my The site has an excellent, easy-to-navigate interface—there's a professor, economist Robert Shiller, told us. But this was clearly great search engine, you can browse the videos by subject or wrong: Shiller put up a graph showing American home prices professor, and you can subscribe to full courses as a podcast. My during the last 100 years. Over much of the century, the line one complaint: Because each lecture lasts an hour or longer, I fluctuates wildly; then, around 2000, it begins an unprecedented, found myself watching them in small increments over the course inexplicable spike, several times larger than the run-up in prices of the day—but if I shut my browser down and came back to a after World War II. This was an eye-opener. Anyone who'd seen video later on, the site didn't remember where I'd left off. this graph three or four years ago should have known we were Academic Earth also puts up course material alongside many headed for trouble. Who knew school could be this useful? videos—lecture notes, transcripts, handouts, even homework. Perhaps Alan Greenspan should have taken this class. The site lets viewers grade each class, making for a handy guide

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 72/116 for choosing which classes to attend. The feature could also be technology useful to people who already go to Harvard, Yale, or one of the In Search of Microsoft Geniuses site's other prestigious participants, as well as to kids who are Why the software giant should copy the Apple Store. considering attending. Say you're the lucky future computer By Farhad Manjoo scientist who got into Harvard and Stanford—how do you Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 6:31 PMET choose? Spend an afternoon watching each school's intro CS courses. Every school tells you that it's got great professors, but now you've got a way to check out the quality of instruction before you attend. (Based on the videos, I'd choose Stanford.) Last week, Microsoft announced it had hired David Porter, a former executive at DreamWorks and Wal-Mart, to lead its new retail division. It took about five seconds for the jeers to begin. Ludlow, Academic Earth's founder, has grand ambitions for the Wait, Microsoft is opening its own stores? Seriously? Retail site; last year he told BusinessWeek that in disseminating course stinks; nearly every company on Earth is looking for places to material widely and cheaply, he hopes to help lower the cost of trim, not to open more outlets. And then there's the fact that, education around the world. Still, Academic Earth is a for-profit once again, Microsoft is ripping off Apple. After the spectacular venture. The site collects videos from universities that make failure of the Zune, shouldn't they reconsider carbon-copying as them available under loose copyright rules (such as the Creative a viable business plan? Commons license). These rules often preclude third parties from making money from the videos, but Ludlow plans to add other, nonuniversity content to the site—lectures from think tanks, for But let the critics carp. Microsoft's plan is smart. Though the instance—which he can sell advertising on. company hasn't settled on the details of its strategy—Porter is charged with deciding when, where, and how to launch the retail operation—opening up a chain of shops could revitalize the Can you get a full education at Academic Earth? Perhaps one firm's battered image. Microsoft has a problem: Everyone in the day you may be able to—several studies have shown that world uses its products, but few of us appreciate them. We linger distance learning can be an effective teaching method. At the on the difficulties—how much of a hassle it is to connect a moment, though, Academic Earth is more of a pastime than a printer to Windows Vista—and we forget about everything it replacement for college. Though there are hundreds of videos, does well. Excel is a pretty great spreadsheet program, isn't it? there aren't enough different courses to fill an undergraduate And Windows Vista does have a nice photo-management app, curriculum. (There are far more courses in science, engineering, right? and economics than in the humanities; you'll find only a single course each on fiction, poetry, and psychology.) And, of course, there's a lot more to a college than lectures—Academic Earth These sound like small pleasures, but so what? Apple's retail doesn't require you to participate in weekly discussion sections, operation is built on such trifles—one display shows you how chemistry labs, midterms, essays, or final exams. You also don't easy it is to manage music on your Mac while another shows get to spend late nights with your roommates pondering you all the useful programs you can download on your iPhone. impossible organic chemistry problem sets or hazy early With the help of a well-trained, enthusiastic staff, these demos mornings trying to remember how you ended up in that dude's add up to something sublime—walk through an Apple store and bed. So if you were accepted at Yale and your folks can spare you're bowled over by elegant simplicity. Apple's stores $45,000 a year, go! reintroduced a generation of jaded Radio Shack and Circuit City shoppers to all that's pleasurable about technology. On the other hand, part of what makes Academic Earth so much fun is what it lacks. No essays, no finals, no classroom The world's largest software company needs some of that retail discussions full of inane opinions about what Nabokov is really magic in the worst way. Microsoft has lately been pushing the trying to say in Lolita. Instead, just an hour of the world's idea that many of its troubles stem from a misunderstanding— experts talking about stuff they're passionate about. I'm that its customers simply don't realize how awesome its products especially fond of the site's playlists. These are collections of are. Last year's strange Windows "Mojave" ad campaign argued lectures from different professors at different schools on a single that people would love Windows Vista if only they could be theme—among others, there are playlists devoted to history's tricked into trying it out. This was laughable; customers who great wars, building successful companies, and recipes for a adopted the latest version of Windows were plagued by real happy life. Queue them up on a lazy afternoon, and there's no difficulties: It didn't work with a lot of their hardware and doubt you'll learn something. And here's the best part—you don't software, it kept bothering them about security violations, and it have to take any notes. hogged their system's resources. But Microsoft has since fixed many of those issues, and its upcoming Windows 7 looks to be a wonderful OS. What Microsoft needs now is a way to get that message across—and without coming off as needy and defensive. A chain of retail stores is an expensive way to

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 73/116 reintroduce your wares to customers. But if the stores are well- your questions. The store also stands as a promise of future designed, they'll be much more effective than commercials. help—you're spending a few hundred dollars more on that laptop than you really wanted to, but at least you can take comfort in Let me be clear about what I mean by "if the stores are well- the fact that you can bring it back when the battery stops designed": Microsoft ought to copy Apple. And I mean a working. straight-up facsimile—copy it relentlessly, unabashedly, and completely. (Some might say this has never been a problem for There are two parts of the Apple retail strategy that Microsoft the software giant.) There are a few successful ways to run would be wise to replicate: the hiring process and the Genius stores devoted to technology, and there are many unsuccessful Bars. Every Apple Store employee I've ever met has at least ways. Microsoft has already sunk money into a failure: In 1999, acted as if she loved to work there. The staff never tries to the company opened microsoftSF, a retail location in San pressure you into buying stuff you don't need, and, unlike the Francisco's Metreon shopping mall. The store, which had the blue-shirted guys at Best Buy, rarely lapses into tech jargon. The sleek design of a modern-art-museum shop, was filled with store especially excels when something goes wrong with interactive displays, Microsoft knickknacks (clothes, hats), and something you've bought. When your iPhone keeps crashing or boxes of software. What it lacked was personality—especially a your MacBook won't connect to the Web, just go online to make gregarious, knowledgeable band of employees to help customers an appointment at the Genius Bar (if you don't make an learn about the company's products. I don't think it's a appointment, you might have to wait in a long line). If they can coincidence that the store closed down just two years after its fix the item for you in the store, they'll do it—usually for free, debut. often while you wait. I've visited the Genius Bar about half a dozen times, and I've always come away impressed. Last year, I Microsoft built that store in conjunction with Sony, which runs a went in with a comatose six-month-old iPhone. The fix was few dozen retail locations of its own around the country. The easy: They gave me a new phone. Another time, I went in with Sony shops suffer from the same problem as Microsoft's early an old PowerBook with a broken screen. Another easy fix: The venture. Though they're very pretty and stocked with all kinds of resident Genius backed up my data while I waited then sent the wonderful goodies, the Sony stores are unbelievably boring. machine back to Apple for repairs. A week later, my system was They fetishize technology; everything is arranged just so, and fixed. I had to pay for the backup drive, but because the machine you're reluctant to play with the stuff for fear that you might was still under warranty, everything else was free. disrupt a gleaming display. The stores are overly big, too, with the staff spread out in far-flung corners, never around to help True, it'll be tougher to find Windows Geniuses than Mac you when you've got a question. It's been a long while since I Geniuses. Because Apple makes its own hardware and software, ventured into one of these shops, and I have no regrets. Not once experts have to know about only a handful of different have I thought, Hey, I need a new laptop—let me pop in to configurations. Windows machines, by contrast, are made by SonyStyle to see what they've got. lots of different computer companies and can include a much wider range of peripherals. Still, there are many kinds of Apple launched its stores in part because it lacked control over computer problems that a skilled expert could solve regardless of how its products were presented by other retailers. CEO Steve your hardware—for instance, a Windows Genius could help you Jobs argued that staff at big-box operations couldn't explain what get your computer to recognize your wireless router, show you was special about the company's stuff. And though Apple had a how to back up your files, and teach you how to avoid getting great online store, Jobs believed that shopping on the Web infected by malware. The Microsoft stores might also cut down wasn't very satisfying. "When I bring something home to the on tech problems by selling a small range of specially designed kids, I want to get the smile. I don't want the UPS guy to get the PC systems, machines that would come with an Apple-like smile," he once told a retail trade magazine. promise of free tech support for life. Indeed, this would neatly solve Microsoft's perennial problem—the perception that Windows computers are cheap and prone to failure. Would you But Apple's stores—there are now 251 locations around the pay a $200 premium for a laptop if you could be sure there'd be world, and the company plans to open 25 more during the current fiscal year—are much more than a mere distribution someone to help you when you run into problems? Apple has channel. For committed Apple fans, the stores function as a local proved that lots of people will. center of fandom—a place to get the first peek at the new MacBook Air or iPod Nano. For less obsessive owners, the chain is a handy place to get help—you can pop over to buy a new set of headphones or to ask how to sync your iPhone with Google Calendar. And for the uninitiated, the stores are a television friendly invitation to the cult. Here's a place to play around with Eurosports everything before you buy, a place where you can be sure Why I love Top Gear. someone who knows what he's talking about will be answering

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 74/116 By Colin Fleming cars falls apart or threatens to flip in some hellish road test. Such Monday, February 16, 2009, at 12:53 PM ET as when the jockish, beefy Clarkson was pursued, over the English countryside, by a military tank, in an episode that attempted to determine just what your chances for escape would Ah, the men's magazine reader. He's standing in line at Barnes & be in the event that you should find a warring country on your Noble with Men's Journal, Maxim, Esquire, and GQ stacked tail. against his chest. Tonight, he's learning how to order a single- malt scotch in a way that sounds like he knows what he's talking May—who resembles a disheveled uncle who's had one too about. Maybe reading up on chiseling those abs or seeing who's many—exists in a constant daze, earning himself the sobriquet a hot pick to draft for his fantasy football league, capping it all Capt. Slow because of his knack for getting lost, sidetracked, by studying a graph detailing erogenous zones so he can and turning—no matter what directions he is given or the clarity "Pleasure Her Until She Can Stand It No More." Look out, and precision of the GPS voice at his service—the wrong way. ladies: It's that hail fellow who is oft-awkwardly met—the In the show's African Special Episode—the best to date—he carbon-copy representative of American machismo in an age of managed to take a wrong turn into Zimbabwe, where BBC nonstop chest-thumping and self-infatuation. cameras aren't allowed.

I didn't exactly go looking for an antidote to this version of Hammond, the youngest and trimmest of the bunch, looks like manhood—I happened upon one. BBC America bills itself as the someone who used to gig with Steve Marriott and the Small fastest-growing network in this country, a more nuanced and Faces, a plucky imp with blooze rocker hair. He almost died a savvy alternative to standardized network fare. Turn it on, and few years back when he flipped a jet-powered car that goes you're likely to see Gordon Ramsay howling at some upward of 370 mph. Upon his return, he requested that no jokes beleaguered wannabe chef, Doctor Who come back in his latest be made about the incident, a plea that fell quickly by the incarnation, or a couple of old women who turn up at the homes wayside. Clarkson has an Oliver Hardy knack for making the of everyday people and bemoan the filthy conditions that sort of allusion—to Hammond's crash-up or May's general overwhelm British housekeeping. But you're also likely to befuddlement—and turning to share a look with the camera, stumble upon Top Gear, which the network airs constantly, both which then pans back to a slyly smiling Hammond, barely able in new episodes and repeats. In principle, it's a car show, hosted to control his laughter, or a frowning May, ready to dismiss his by three middle-aged guys—Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and cohorts' shenanigans as beneath him. Bloody schoolboys. Richard Hammond—who review the latest automobiles, test them out, and give you loads of details about vehicles you will During most episodes, a celebrity—usually of the British ilk— never be able to afford. But Top Gear also offers a whole new turns up and takes a spin around the trio's rally track, competing slant on machismo, at least as we know it in the States. for the best time. The celebrities are trained by the notorious Stig, the show's honorary fourth presenter and resident racing The Top Gear set looks like a small airplane hangar. There's a savant. No one knows who Stig is—he never takes his racing couple hundred people for an audience, and Clarkson, May, and helmet off and says nary a word on-screen. (Update: Stig's Hammond act as emcees, with a car or two on the soundstage. identity was—annoyingly—revealed in January.)* Clarkson Most of the action takes place in various film clips—which claims that Stig believes Stars Wars to be a documentary, but, document the trio's races and assorted madcap schemes. A race perhaps most disturbingly, Stig listens to self-help tapes and between a $1.4 million Bugatti Veyron,* for example, over a prog rock—Camel, anyone? —while testing cars on the rally mile of track, and a Royal Air Force jet going a mile into the air track. Some celebrities are more intent on reigning atop the and then exploding downward to overtake its four-wheel standings board than others (Simon Cowell looked set to go to challenger. Or a soccer match with a giant balloon ball getting town on himself after surpassing Gordon Ramsay), but mostly bashed about by cheap city cars to test their handling abilities. it's a matter of a proper jaunt, the inner child turned loose on a racecourse and skidding through every turn. These pyrotechnics provide the show's obvious hook, but the real appeal is seeing how these guys tear into each other. Good Cars, of course, suggest American machismo—whether it was naturedly. With, dare I say it, love. Ruthless love, but love, still. Robert Mitchum tearing away from customs agents in Thunder It's not scripted. Way too much overlapping dialogue for that, Road or Jackson Pollock flaming out in one last wreck or even and I can't really imagine that this trio would sit down, Mercury that guy in your neighborhood who struts out to his Ferrari to Theatre-style, for endless rehearsals. It's all ad-libbed and spend a Sunday polishing his heart out. Let alone the NASCAR occasionally surreal. honchos, for whom cars are stand-ins for outsized egos and talk of bump drafting is nearly an aphrodisiac. The thing about Clarkson is the leader—Helen Mirren turned up for one episode British machismo, as you see it in Top Gear, is how understated and branded him the übermale—and, as such, Hammond and it is. And, in being understated, it becomes like that person who May delight in every instance when one of Clarkson's beloved doesn't talk with their hands all flailing about, but rather the one

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 75/116 who knows exactly what five words to put into a given Get your 14-day free trial of Gabfest sponsor Audible.com, conversation and, boom, just nails them, so that everyone else which includes a credit for one free audio book, here. Rabbit, stops what they're doing and starts to think. Or laugh. Loudly. Run—and the other books in the quartet—are available on Audible. I could watch the African episode on a loop. The hosts have to make their way 1,000 miles across the Kalahari* and the brackish Makgadikgadi salt pans in cars, sans four-wheel drive, This month, the Audio Book Club looks at John Updike's purchased on the cheap. If you don't lighten your load, you'll Rabbit, Run. For Troy Patterson—who discusses the book with sink right into the marl of the pans, but Hammond finds himself Meghan O'Rourke and Katie Roiphe—the first 40 or so pages of unable to so much as pry the hubcaps off of his beloved '63 Opel Rabbit, Run "are as good as anything that's ever been written in Kadett,* which he christens Oliver. As May* and Clarkson bring this country." The novel tackles marriage, life in the 1950s, and the hammer to their own vehicles, knocking out windows, they a particularly American kind of charm. The 50-minute giggle themselves into fits watching Hammond, truly gutted, conversation explores these and other themes. walking around Oliver and wondering what to do next. "You know what's happened, don't you?" Clarkson whispers to May, In our next Audio Book Club, we really will get to David Foster half bemused, half weirded out: "He's formed an emotional Wallace's massive novel Infinite Jest. Watch for—and listen attachment to his car." The camera zooms in on the conflicted to—our discussion of Infinite Jest in March. Hammond. What we've got here is an existential crisis of the automobile variety. That's one intricate slant on machismo, You can also listen to any of our previous club meetings through given how deeply it's shot through with levity. Ironic machismo. our iTunes feed or by clicking on the links below*: Detached machismo. I felt kind of bad for the guy. Right up until the point he kept bragging about how easy it was to ford a river The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald in a car like Oliver before proceeding to blow out Ollie's The Night of the Gun, by David Carr electrical system and sink the both of them. American Wife, by Curtis Sittenfeld Brideshead Revisited, by Evelyn Waugh Corrections, Feb. 17 and 18, 2009: This article originally Netherland, by Joseph O'Neill misidentified one of the Top Gear hosts who was knocking out Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy his car windows. (Return to the corrected sentence.) The article Beautiful Children, by Charles Bock originally stated that no one knows who Stig is, yet his identity All the King's Men, by Robert Penn Warren was revealed by a British newspaper in January. (Return to the Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert corrected sentence.) This article originally misstated the cost of Tree of Smoke, by Denis Johnson the Bugatti Veyron. (Return to the corrected sentence.) The The Audacity of Hope, by Barack Obama article also incorrectly stated that the hosts had to make their The Road, by Cormac McCarthy way across the Sahara desert. (Return to the corrected The House of Mirth, by Edith Wharton sentence.) This article misspelled the Opel Kadett. Slate would Independence Day, by Richard Ford like to thank the many, many Top Gear enthusiasts who pointed The Emperor's Children, by Claire Messud out the errors in this article. (Return to the corrected sentence.) The Omnivore's Dilemma, by Michael Pollan Beloved, by Toni Morrison Everyman, by Philip Roth Saturday, by Ian McEwan The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion the audio book club The Audio Book Club on Rabbit, Run Questions? Comments? Write to us at [email protected].(E- Our critics discuss John Updike's first great novel. mailers may be quoted by name unless they request otherwise.) By Meghan O'Rourke, Troy Patterson, and Katie Roiphe Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 7:02 AM ET * To download the MP3 file, right-click (Windows) or hold down the Control key while you click (Mac), and then use the "save" To listen to the Slate Audio Book Club discussion of John or "download" command to save the audio file to your hard Updike's Rabbit, Run, click the arrow on the player below. drive.

You can also download the audio file here, or click here to subscribe to the Slate Audio Book Club feed in iTunes.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 76/116 the best policy boards, compensation committees, and, most importantly, The $500,000 Limit Is Not Enough institutional shareholders. These groups must rise up and reclaim power from a system that is now dominated by CEOs. Real Four better ways of fixing the CEO pay debacle. By Eliot Spitzer progress will result not from an essentially arbitrary rule Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 12:30 PM ET imposed by government but from a rejuvenated system of corporate governance with shareholders—the owners—having an adequate say. President Obama's $500,000 pay cap for senior executives at institutions receiving taxpayer assistance is a primal scream of Let's start with the compensation consultants. The underlying outrage more than it is a coherent policy. But at least it begins a structural problem has been that compensation consultants have long overdue debate about the outrageous pay that has been shown greater allegiance to the CEO than to shareholders. And tolerated—and, indeed, become the norm—in the senior ranks of no wonder: CEOs have played too great a role in selecting the corporate America. Americans are appalled by excessive CEO consultants, and the consulting firms are often part of larger pay because they now recognize that the executives receiving organizations performing other contracts for the company that these millions oversaw a grand fleecing of American investors, the CEO could terminate. The fix is evident: Create a special leading to the collapse of the national and global economy. In shareholder committee to select the compensation consultant. 1985, the ratio of the average CEO salary to the average And require these consultants to be stand-alone companies worker's salary was 40-to-1. By 2005 it had metastasized to 450- without any possible ancillary business relationships with the to-1. Such increasing income inequality was tolerated as long as company that hires them. If this were done, it would be amazing the rising tide was lifting all ships. Not anymore. to see how quickly the severance packages and parachutes would shrink. CEOs would be paid like other workers—for doing their jobs and fulfilling their fiduciary duties. They wouldn't be paid What should really be done about executive pay? First, let us for the illusory concern that the company would collapse in their acknowledge that the $500,000 bar is arbitrary. It will be way absence. Most compensation negotiations begin with the premise too low in some circumstances and way too high in others; it that the particular CEO is irreplaceable. But, as de Gaulle wryly affects too few executives; it can be easily avoided through observed, the graveyards are filled with indispensable people. alternative pay techniques; and it injects the government into a sphere where it is uniquely inept—setting private-sector wages. There should also be a simple rule relating to compensation committees of boards: Those who participate must be totally If we are to stop outrageous pay, the objective should not be to independent of the CEO. No conflicts, direct or indirect, should match the foolishness of the Bush ideological embrace of wild- be permitted. They must have no other common board eyed libertarianism masquerading as capitalism with an equally memberships, no overlapping charitable causes, no shared social foolish "government knows best" approach that ignores the clubs. Nor should compensation committee members be CEOs market. We must create a genuine market for CEO services, or executives of any rank whose own pay will in any way be generating meaningful competition and socially acceptable measured against the pay of the individual whose pay they are results. setting. Most importantly, shareholders should vote directly on the constituency of compensation committees. It has become all This process should begin with some digging into history. The too easy for boards to give away "other people's money" without SEC, with its now well-focused resources and newfound vigor, having to answer to shareholders. Shareholders should vote should produce, in no more than 6 months, the authoritative every member on or off the committee and be able to propose report on the flaws in compensation decisions at major members directly, while the CEO should have no role companies. The commission should subpoena the reports from whatsoever in proposing membership of the committee. compensation consultants and committees and reveal the biased methods they used to calculate pay, as well as the pressures they Finally, and most important, it is time to realize that CEO pay is felt from their CEO clients. The SEC should map the essentially the responsibility of shareholders: If they are willing overlapping and innumerable conflicts that result from service to tolerate waste, they should pay the price. So, where have on compensation committees. And it should examine how shareholders been? The sad truth is that corporate governance is compensation consultants were hired, by whom, and the broken because shareholders have let management run representations made by the consultants before they were hired. roughshod over them. But just as in politics, the power of the This report will be deeply revealing and devastating about the vote can reclaim these rights. So, here is a simple proposal: back-scratching, fundamentally corrupt nature of executive-pay Make senior-executive pay a matter of shareholder vote. Not the decisions. "nonbinding" votes that are all the rage. Make them subject to a real up-or-down vote. Give shareholders power again. Force Fixing the compensation debacle will require addressing the executives to appear in front of their employers and explain why behavior of three groups: compensation consultants hired by they deserve the packages they are offered.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 77/116 This shareholder vote would also empower government to play a Traditional burials are highly resource-intensive. There are constructive role, not by mandating a pay threshold but by using coffins to manufacture and ship—sometimes across very long its role as a shareholder to vote its fiduciary interests. The distances, if you choose an exotic wood like mahogany—and government should convert its enormous capital infusions in all concrete vaults to build. (Many cemeteries require coffins to be these companies into voting shares and then use its shareholder placed within bunkerlike structures to prevent their neatly leadership power to make a market decision, like every other manicured grounds from collapsing.) In a Slate article from shareholder, and to lead a revolt of shareholders if necessary. 2006, the founder of the Green Burial Council estimated that The federal government could win allies in this from a group Americans bury more metal each year than was used to make the that has been disturbingly quiet throughout this process: state Golden Gate Bridge and enough concrete to build a two-lane treasurers and comptrollers. They control the enormous pension highway from New York to Detroit. funds of the public employees, perhaps the single largest repository of shareholder strength. The embalming fluid used to keep corpses looking perky is another ecological bête noire. More than 800,000 gallons of the Some will say encouraging government owners to determine stuff are interred in Mother Earth annually, most of it containing CEO pay swings the pendulum too far back toward shareholder carcinogenic formaldehyde. Finally, burying your bones 6 feet strength. But it is time to determine whether we believe in deep means that your corpse will decompose without the benefit shareholder democracy. This is not nationalization. This is of oxygen. Instead of producing carbon dioxide and water, as shareholders—public and private—finally saying we are going your remains would if they were buried in topsoil, your body to reclaim what should be ours. And once public shareholders will sludge-ify and begin leaking out methane—a greenhouse take the lead, other institutional investors would not be far gas that, as the Green Lantern has pointed out before, is 21 times behind in demanding performance for pay. For all the hundreds more effective at trapping heat than carbon dioxide. of billions of dollars we have invested in the financial services and automotive sectors, we should be able to vote on CEO Many people who choose cremation do so because it seems like compensation, not just issue a Swiss cheese $500,000 limit that the tidier choice: less muss, less fuss. If you have your ashes will be easily circumvented. Warren Buffett would never invest scattered or kept in an urn, you won't be taking up valuable land without holding on to that power. Why should we? space. Going without a gravesite also means you cut out the emissions and fuel consumption associated with regular visits from mourners.

But crematories don't run on lollipops and puppy dog tails— the green lantern most use a combination of natural gas and electricity to The Green Hereafter incinerate their occupants. One leading manufacturer told the How to leave an environmentally friendly corpse. Green Lantern that a typical machine requires about 2,000 cubic By Nina Shen Rastogi feet of natural gas and 4 kilowatt-hours of electricity per body. Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 12:01 PM ET That means the average cremation produces about 250 pounds of CO2 equivalent, or about as much as a typical American home Itry to be aseco-conscious as possible when it comes to generates in six days. managing my household waste. But lately I've been worrying about what to do when I become waste. What's the greenest Along with energy consumption, mercury emissions from thing I can do with my remains when I shuffle off this mortal vaporized dental fillings are the other commonly cited concern. coil? Since the EPA doesn't monitor crematoriums, reliable data are hard to come by, but estimates range from 300 to 6,000 pounds of mercury released annually via cremation. At the high end, that The Green Lantern applauds you for thinking ahead. End-of-life would represent about 2.7 percent of America's current decisions are always fraught and emotional; researching your anthropogenic mercury emissions. options now—and spelling them out clearly—helps ensure that your loved ones abide by your wishes when you're out of the On balance, the Green Lantern believes that cremation wins by a picture. nose. First of all, cremations are usually a single-time operation, whereas burial plots require ongoing maintenance. A private If you're like most Americans, you're planning on being buried 2007 study commissioned by an Australian cemetery found that or cremated. Each comes with a set of environmental burdens, the average cremation at that facility produced roughly four though many of these can be mitigated. (If you prefer to have times as much CO2 equivalent as a burial. However, when the your body tossed off a boat, the EPA has a set of rules it would long-term fossil fuel costs of lawn-mowing and general grounds like you to follow.) upkeep were factored in, burials had a 10 percent greater environmental footprint.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 78/116 With fewer variables to deal with, a cremation also makes it Is there an environmental quandary that's been keeping you up at much easier for you—and your family—to quantify and redress night? Send it to [email protected], and check this its impacts. You can buy carbon offsets, for example, to make up space every Tuesday. for the equipment operation. And if you're truly worried about the mercury in your choppers, you can request that they be removed before you're incinerated. (Since you'll generally save money going the cremation route, you'll have extra dough to put toward these procedures.) Look for crematoriums in your area the oscars that have the newest equipment—they'll generally be more fuel- efficient and equipped with better filtration systems—and opt to The 2009 Academy Awards meet your scorching end in a shroud or simple cardboard casket. A roundup of Slate's Oscar coverage. Friday, February 20, 2009, at 7:29 AM ET If you do decide to go with interment, there are plenty of ways to green up the process. Choose a simple, locally sourced, metal- "Captain Charisma: How Mickey Rourke became irresistible free coffin and a cemetery that doesn't require a cement vault. again," by Dana Stevens. Posted Feb. 19, 2009. (Even if you choose a biodegradable, recycled-paper burial pod, sealing it up in an underground tomb will keep both you and the "Let's Talk Oscars: Nate Silver is wrong, the glorious Slumdog vessel from composting properly.) Also look for a funeral home backlash, and a mild defense of David Carr," by Troy Patterson that will forgo embalming in favor of refrigeration or dry ice, or and Dana Stevens. Posted Feb. 19, 2009. at the very least use formaldehyde-free preserving fluid. Contrary to what some funeral directors may suggest, "Kill the Carpetbagger: The case against the New York Times' embalmment is rarely legally required. The Green Burial saturation Oscar coverage," by Timothy Noah. Posted Feb. 18, Council's list of recommended providers is a good place to start 2009. your planning. (By 2010, they'll be certifying crematoriums, too.) "Great Book, Bad Movie: How Hollywood ruins novels," by Willing Davidson. Posted Feb. 17, 2009. The absolute greenest option would involve a shroud made from biodegradable fabric and a cemetery that inters its inhabitants in "Don't Give an Oscar to The Reader: We don't need another shallow graves and has been designed with an eye toward 'redemptive' Holocaust movie," by Ron Rosenbaum. Posted Feb. preserving the local ecology. Right now, there are about 20 9, 2009. burial grounds in the United States that practice varying levels of eco-consciousness, but that number will almost certainly grow in "The Batman Goes Bananas: Does being a jerk prevent you from coming years. If you decide to take your everlasting rest in one winning an Oscar?" by Dana Stevens. Posted Feb. 6, 2009. of these pastoral settings, keep in mind that you may have to factor in longer road trips. Ask your family to keep your graveside service small and to keep future pilgrimages to an "It Girl(s): The three sides of Anne Hathaway," by Dana absolute minimum. Stevens. Posted Jan. 30, 2009.

If you can manage to stick around for a while, two new "What, Exactly, Is Slumdog Millionaire?: Is it a) a portrait of the technologies have eco-geeks (not to mention sci-fi fans) excited. real India, b) a Bollywood-style melodrama, c) a fairy tale, or d) The process of alkaline hydrolysis involves liquefying your body a stylishly shot collection of clichés?" in a solution of lye and water, resulting in a pile of bone ash and by Dennis Lim. Posted Jan. 26, 2009. a bottle of biofluid that you can pour on your houseplants. One of its leading proponents, a Scotland-based company called "Let's Talk Oscars: Revolutionary Road Got Shafted. The Resomation Ltd., claims that the procedure has a carbon Reader Is Still Ridiculous. Ledger Will Win," by Troy Patterson footprint 18 times smaller than a typical cremator. In the other and Dana Stevens. Posted Jan. 22, 2009. procedure, called promession, a corpse gets freeze-dried with liquid nitrogen and then shattered into powder, Terminator-style. "Why Is Philip Seymour Hoffman a 'Supporting Actor'?: Your Neither of these options is commercially available yet, but both Oscar questions, answered." Posted Jan. 22, 2009. the Mayo Clinic and the University of Florida use alkaline hydrolysis to dispose of their teaching cadavers. So, you "Depressed Suburban Nazi Backward-Agers: Valkyrie, The experimental types—why not turn yourself into the ultimate Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Revolutionary Road recycling project and donate your body to science? reviewed," by Dana Stevens. Posted Dec. 23, 2008.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 79/116 "Must Love Nazis: Ralph Fiennes and Kate Winslet find doomed Reader. Everyone knew Kate would get a best-actress nod, and romance in The Reader," by Dana Stevens. Posted Dec. 11, as a five-time loser, she still seems likely to win the category. 2008. But it somehow besmirches her honor to be recognized for the execrable Reader (aka Boohoo, I Bonked an Illiterate Nazi). And "Battle of the Foreheads: Frost/Nixon reviewed," by Dana the fact that BIBAIN also snapped up noms for best adapted Stevens. Posted Dec. 4, 2008. screenplay, best director, and best picture (it made a lot of critics' lists for worst movie of the year, and with good reason) only "Fresh Milk: Gus Van Sant's biopic of the gay activist is rubs salt into the wound. I guess Ricky Gervais, whose vibrantly alive," by Dana Stevens. Posted Nov. 26, 2008. presentation at the Globes last week was the ceremony's high point, was right: Do a Holocaust film, and the awards will come. " 'Harvey Would Have Opened It in October': Could Milk have What else? Masked fanboys everywhere must be blogging changed the Prop 8 vote?" by Dennis Lim. Posted Nov. 26, 2008. portentously in Gothic font about the lack of recognition for The Dark Knight. No best-picture nomination (gotta make room for those illiterate Nazis!), no best-director nod for Christopher "Slumdog Millionaire: Danny Boyle's irresistible hokum," by Nolan or original screenplay for his brother, Jonathan. Indeed, Dana Stevens. Posted Nov. 13, 2008. the only nontechnical award the Caped Crusader is up for is best supporting actor for Heath Ledger. Which may be the ceremony's only real lock: The only surer route to Oscar credibility than making a Holocaust movie is being dead. In all due respect, Ledger's performance reigned—but so did Robert the oscars Downey Jr.'s in Tropic Thunder, which earned him that movie's Let's Talk Oscars only nomination. (What, no best makeup?) The total Gran We need more weird movie stars. Torino shutout seems to indicate some degree of Clint backlash, By Troy Patterson and Dana Stevens though Eastwood's The Changeling did wedge its way into the Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 7:08 PM ET best-actress category (Angelina: "I want my son! Where is my son? This is not my son. Find my son.") as well as best cinematography and art direction.

From: Dana Stevens Slumdog Millionaire, with 10 nominations (second only to To: Troy Patterson Subject: Revolutionary Road Got Shafted. The Reader Is Still Ridiculous. Benjamin Button's 13), seems positioned to Hoover up every Ledger Will Win. award in sight by virtue of being the cute, inoffensive crowd Posted Thursday, January 22, 2009, at 12:26 PM ET pleaser that no one hates (me included—I walked out with a warm glow that only gradually congealed into faint annoyance). Slumdog, and I mean this kindly, is the grandma movie in the Hi, Troy, lineup, and a lot of academy members vote the grandma ticket. Among only three nominees for best song, two are from Slumdog, which guarantees a couple of rollicking Bollywood- Gossiping about Oscar nominations during this historic style production numbers at the ceremony. (But also seems inauguration week feels sort of like being one of the skanks likely to split the best-song vote, making Peter Gabriel's Wall-E passing notes in the back of the junior-high classroom while the ballad the default winner.) Would it have killed them to star civics student gives a prizewinning oration. But you know recognize Springsteen's lovely, spare theme for The Wrestler? what? He's going to be up there talking for four years, and Oscar Troy, do you have any three-legged dogs in this fight? season only lasts for one brief, sparkling, tawdry moment. So let's hide a movie magazine in our civics textbooks and skank out. Dana

Scanning the list of nominees, I find myself in the odd position of feeling indignant on behalf of a movie I didn't like much, Revolutionary Road. I don't think I would mind this handsomely From: Troy Patterson mounted yawner getting what amounts to a jumbo-sized dis— To: Dana Stevens Leo not up for best actor, Mendes not up for best director, Justin Subject: Hear, Hear for Milk, Penelope Cruz, and Melissa Leo Haythe not up for best adapted screenplay, the movie itself Posted Thursday, January 22, 2009, at 4:22 PM ET ignored for best picture—if it weren't for the alarming number of accolades beings heaped on Revolutionary Road's evil twin, The

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 80/116 Hey, Dana— Hold that thought for a month.

Yes, we're skanks, agreed—yet I sense a symmetry between this Yours, morning's glossy announcements and Tuesday night's Troy Obamathon. If you take away the Obamas' wedding-reception dancing, the made-for-TV balls played, in all, like a long and grinding awards show, complete with emotional reaction shots, self-laudatory mood, and Kanye West in an overly dandyish tuxedo. From: Dana Stevens To: Troy Patterson I cannot shed a tear over the omission of Revolutionary Road;I Subject: Please, Slumdog Millionaire Is Not the Little Indie That Could have avoided seeing the film and am eager to take its snubbing Posted Friday, January 23, 2009, at 10:43 AM ET as a sign that it's safe to continue avoiding such a patent sack of pretty, petty maundering. However, I shed several tears laughing at your alternate title for Stephen Daldry's The Reader—with Dear Troy, The Hours, that director took an almost decent novel inspired by a modern classic and turned it into A Special Womanly Sadness. Daldry has something more valuable to the Academy than Don't misunderstand me on Revolutionary Road—I'm neither artistic vision: a knack for The Prestige. His three films have defending its artistic merit nor lamenting its under-recognition, earned a total 17 Oscar nominations. Next on Daldry's plate is an and if it had earned a bunch of nods, I wouldn't be hollering adaptation of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, a "Whoo-hoo!" but mumbling "That figures." I guess I'm just novel partly about escaping the Holocaust using magic tricks, so puzzled at The Reader having barged its unsubtle way into so Michael Chabon's friends can go ahead now and send him a note many big categories. If academy voters want to reward Kate of congratulations. Or condolences. Winslet for her entire body of work (and why shouldn't they, even if 33 is a bit young to start bemoaning your long-overdue Oscar), why overlook her obvious blue-chip project of the year, Yes, agreed, Slumdog Millionaire seems to have the momentum. a beautifully crafted if somewhat lifeless movie, in favor of the The movie itself is all momentum, giddily and sometimes morbid pandering of The (even more lifeless) Reader? The most wonderfully—but how do you suppose its controlled rush will sit likely answer—that a majority of academy voters simply enjoy with the grandma set? And how many voters will join reasonable morbid pandering for its own sake—is so dispiriting that I'd people in finding its hybrid of Dickensian melodrama and prefer to leave this an open question. Bollywood melodrama a little too melodramatic? IfI had a best- picture vote, I'd cast it for Milk. It's the squarest movie Gus Van Sant has ever made and not even his best of the year—that'd be Paranoid Park, about manslaughter and sinking dread and skate So, you're one of those people who thinks Paranoid Park is the punks more graceful than gliding fish—but you take what you great Gus Van Sant movie of 2008. There were a few of them at can get. every year-end critics' meeting I attended, and I confess that I half-suspected they were just being deliberately contrarian. Not that Paranoid Park, a grim little young-adult morality tale set in Besides, the morning offered a few glimmers of justice. With the skate-rat culture of the Pacific Northwest, was a bad Melissa Leo's visibility raised by her best-actress nod for Frozen movie—just so slight that it disappeared from my memory River, one excellent performer won't need to clock in so often on within weeks of seeing it. The ambitious, sprawling, large- run-of-the-mill police procedurals. From my perspective, the spirited Milk, on the other hand, is unforgettable. (And though it best news of the morning was Penelope Cruz's nomination for is a conventional biopic in some respects, can you really call it her Frida-Kahlo-as-Sophia-Loren squalling in Vicky Cristina Van Sant's "squarest movie"? Wouldn't that award have to go to Barcelona, as I'd vowed to quit watching movies if that perfect Good Will Hunting?) I'm with you: If I had a vote to cast for best turn went neglected. It was nice for Richard Jenkins to get a picture out of these nominees, it would go to Milk. (But for best nomination for The Visitor and even nicer that the movie was director, I might choose The Wrestler's Darren Aronofsky, who otherwise ignored, it being a middling entertainment about a wasn't even nominated.) white guy who has his soul restored by some brown people— less coherent than Henderson the Rain King, though notably less creepy than Baz Luhrmann's current ad for Australian tourism. As for Frost/Nixon: Like Doubt, it was a filmed play that didn't try to be more than that. (Well, in Doubt's case, director/playwright John Patrick Shanley tried a bit too hard but I notice that you didn't say anything about Frost/Nixon. Is that remained stage-bound.) Still, I enjoyed every dishy, talky, stagy because no one is saying anything about Frost/Nixon outside of moment of both Frost/Nixon and Doubt—and, as a theater-buff the immediate hearing of Grazer/Howard? friend of mine likes to rant, what's so wrong with filming a play?

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 81/116 Can't one of cinema's many tasks be to record theatrical Dana, performances that are worth preserving? Ron Howard is never going to give Renoir or Ozu a run for their money, but I'm sticking to my guns about the relative squareness of Good Frost/Nixon makes perfectly respectable filler for the best Will Hunting and Milk, despite the maudlin qualities of the picture category (though it won't win), and Frank Langella's earlier movie—and, indeed, of any movie in which the hero magisterial turn as Nixon certainly seems at home in the best must journey into the hairy arms of Robin Williams for a actor category (though I'm pulling for Mickey Rourke or Sean nurturing hug. The limitation of Milk is that its narrative follows Penn—Penn's performance is my favorite of the year, and Harvey Milk-as-martyred-saint with a grandeur so sweeping that wouldn't you like to see Rourke's acceptance speech?). his humanity sometimes gets brushed aside. When Penn and Van Sant show us the man himself, the film sings, but isn't he more What gets on my nerves about the marketing of Slumdog often a symbol? And doesn't such a presentation traffic, at least a Millionaire is the whole "little indie that could" rhetoric. That's little bit, in the "morbid pandering" you shudder to think the annoying enough when applied to movies that are legitimate academy adores? That august body will generally prefer the sleepers; still, at least Little Miss Sunshine and Juno were films blare of any opera to the muted sound of a fine chamber piece. by little-known directors that attracted larger and more loyal Maybe this is one reason why Angelina Jolie made the cut for followings than anyone expected. But Danny Boyle is a long- her archetypal gnashing of the teeth in Changeling and why established and popular British filmmaker who's had many hits Sally Hawkins, a superbly realistic woman in Mike Leigh's in the United States (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, A Life Less Happy-Go-Lucky, did not. Ordinary), and he's working with a cast of actors that includes Indian superstars Irrfan Khan and Anil Kapoor. If people want to Which bring us to the other Harvey of the hour. In yesterday's laud the movie, fine, but let's not pretend it was constructed from most scorching Oscar-nomination piece, Nikki Finke joined you duct tape and spit by the Little Match Girl. and an overwhelming majority of sane people in expressing bewilderment at The Reader's big haul. The Weinstein Co. Now, Frozen River—there's a movie that just about was distributes the film, and some industry types are chalking up its constructed from duct tape and spit, shot on digital camera in success as another triumph of a storied awards-season machine. rural New York State by first-time writer/director Courtney (Among the other wonders of Miramax's glory days, Weinstein Hunt. I was very happy to see Melissa Leo get a nod for her fine once wrangled five nominations for Chocolat, that saccharine performance as an impoverished single mother who starts trifle equating human warmth with hot cocoa.) Finke, however, smuggling immigrants across the U.S.-Canadian border to thinks the nominating votes for The Reader are actually votes support her family. But I was thrilled, and surprised, to see against Weinstein: "This is a sympathy vote for Scott Rudin and Hunt's name appear in the best original screenplay lineup. Truth Stephen Daldry and Kate Winslet for having to put up with that be told, I seldom think about the Oscars in terms of who nasty oaf during the tortured post-production and release of the "deserves" what—as Hamlet said, "Use every man after his movie." The analysis may or may not withstand scrutiny, but the desert, and who shall 'scape whipping?" (That line has always fierceness is stunning. struck me as the setup for a Mae West-style riposte along the lines of "Hon, you can use me after dessert anytime.") The But not quite so stunning as your cynicism about Slumdog formula for winning an Academy Award is such a mysterious Millionaire's promotional life as "the little indie that could." algorithm, some unquantifiable mix of strategy, luck, and the Don't you know that Slumdog, like Little Miss Sunshine and prevailing taste of the moment, that usually, to paraphrase the Juno before it, is the property of News Corp.'s Fox Searchlight? real Mae West, goodness has nothing to do with it. But when the And that News Corp. has long been admired as the Little name of an unknown talent like Hunt pops up on these Conglomerate That Could? How could you fail to be moved by nomination lists, you remember that even the academy, every an underdog story like that? once in a while, is capable of making the right call. Finally, in saying you'd choose the unnominated Darren Go ahead, burst my bubble, Aronofsky as best director, you open up a bottomless can of Dana worms. This would be the place to start prattling on about whether the academy will ever grow unstuffy enough to recognize a superb cartoon like Wall-E in the best-picture category and whether it will ever get cool enough to nominate a complicated cartoon like Waltz With Bashir in the best- animated-feature-film category. The prattling would never stop, From: Troy Patterson and we'd never have time to devote attention to the crucial To: Dana Stevens Subject: Looking Forward to Hipster-Princess M.I.A. on the Red Carpet matter of how best-original-song nominee M.I.A. will deploy her Posted Friday, January 23, 2009, at 3:16 PM ET hipster-princess sense of style on the red carpet this Feb. 22.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 82/116 Until then, I leave you to ponder who should accept the best- producer of The Reader, a skilled Oscar supporting-actor award Heath Ledger has been guaranteed to campaigner, and an all-around nice guy.) win. Director Christopher Nolan? Joker emeritus Jack Interviewed by our friends at Entertainment Nicholson? The quartet of worthy co-nominees? Weekly, he failed to deny rumors that he is responsible for fanning the flames of that Yours, underpaying-Third-World-children scandal. Troy "What can I say?" is what Harvey said. "When you're Billy the Kid and people around you die of natural causes, everyone thinks you shot them.'' I have long admired Weinstein's knack for wild-West metaphors, and this was his finest since the time when, preparatory to From: Troy Patterson putting New York Observer reporter Andrew To: Dana Stevens Goldman in a headlock, he softly stated, "It's Subject: Let's Talk Oscars good that I'm the fucking sheriff of this Posted Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 12:47 PM ET fucking lawless piece-of-shit town." Why has he not remade High Noon?

Bonjour, dear Dana— • Reality television continues to blow my mind. The Times of India reports that British Knowing your kind, I am confident that you have been skanking TV producers are developing Secret Slumdog your way through Oscar news (read: raw gossip and thumb- Millionaire, a spinoff of the philanthropy- sucking speculation) in the month since we got together to minded Secret Millionaire, which itself is discuss the nominations. Nonetheless, before we get down to our something of cross between Oprah's Big Give predications and predilections, let us take a moment to be sure and Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickel and Dimed. that we're all on the same Web page regarding continuing Though I cannot wait for the panhandling st developments in the foreplay attendant to Sunday's 81 annual challenges and Fear Factor-style fecal-pool Academy Awards. diving competitions, I wonder: If the show were truly in the spirit of the film, wouldn't the • Slumdog Millionaire continues to look like winner of this game show have to go on the top dog in the best picture race, having another game show? collected prizes from the Screen Actors Guild, the Producers Guild, the Directors Guild, the • The Wrestler's Mickey Rourke continues to Writers Guild, and the British Academy of let his freak flag flap all over the country, Film and Television Arts, to go along with its adding welcome intrigue to the best actor race. Golden Globe. Indeed, it has secured every It is easy to imagine the academy feeling major honor possible in the past month, desperately torn between Rourke and Milk's excepting the key to the City of New York, Sean Penn. In choosing Rourke, it would be which went to Capt. C.B. "Sully" scripting a great career-comeback story. Going Sullenberger, and the Westminster Kennel with Penn, it would honor an esteemed Club's best-in-show honor, which instead went thespian (and, further, an almost-visionary to a Sussex spaniel somewhat resembling director) for playing someone likeable for a Walter Matthau. change. I still think that Milk's politics are better than its art, but can Oscar voters tell the • The Slumdog backlash continues its difference? And, if so, how do Penn's own whipping with a violence I find rather politics play into things? The man has all but reassuring, not to mention appropriate to the Lewinskied Castro's cigar. Lincoln bicentennial, as it confirms Abe's idea about how often you can fool how many • Nate Silver, the wunderkind number people. Critics and bloggers have gotten their cruncher of baseball and other American licks in, and the question of whether the pastimes, continues to captivate the chattering filmmakers financially exploited their class with his statistical wizardy, forecasting youngest actors has added an ironic twist. The the Oscars for New York magazine. This time, star of this sideshow has been Harvey however, I politely decline to buy it. For Weinstein. (Harvey is of course an executive starters, he believes that Benjamin Button's

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 83/116 (very fine) Taraji P. Henson has a 51 percent into history unsung. Awards season is to our kind what chance of winning the best supporting actress campaigning is to politicians, a vulgarly insistent necessity that prize. This is hogwash predicated on a seems to expand to take up more and more of each year—but as misunderstanding of history. Penélope Cruz, with a political campaign, the day-to-day jockeying and of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, will win. Though posturing become a sport unto themselves. I sort of agree with generally phobic of Oscar ceremonies himself, Slate's Timothy Noah that Oscar coverage has gotten beyond VCB director Woody Allen has a special touch ridiculous, but for a movie critic, there's nothing more boring when it comes to the little parts of women. Let than groaning about how over the Oscars you are. (The me rephrase that: Having now directed eight equivalent, in political coverage, would be those tedious op-eds supporting actresses to nominations (Dianne bewailing public inattention to "the issues.") Wiest twice), having directed Mira squeaking Sorvino to an actual win, Woody has a track The Times handles this art-vs.-industry tension by simply record that Silver should have noted. I will farming out the awards coverage to David Carr (aka "the grant you, however, that I am setting my Bagger"), while the main critics occupy themselves with movies "journalistic objectivity" aside in considering as art. Last year, there was that great smackdown between Carr the matter, as I am so taken with Cruz's and A.O. Scott, in which Scott said, in essence, "the Oscars are singular ethereality that I am presently stalking such horseshit" and Carr replied, "Yeah, but who cares? They're her and in fact typing this piece while lurking fun." Lacking the staffing to play out this dialectic in stereo, in the bushes outside of a house in Spain, Slate has its critics—us—live the ambivalence, simultaneously piggybacking on Pedro Almodóvar's WiFi. scoffing at Oscar excess and, admit it, getting our ducks in a row for a ceremonial viewing Sunday night. (I don't like to watch in • Everyone continues not to talk about company because everyone talks at the wrong times, but I keep Frost/Nixon. my best friend on autodial for those special screech-worthy moments.) What did I miss? What do you make of Hugh Jackman as a host and the other assorted innovations designed to make this telecast Only moments before opening your juicy e-mail about the somewhat more sprightly than an endurance test? And what do Oscars, I finished a piece that was a tribute to Boogie Sheftell, you make of our dear Chatterbox's notion that the New York the tender, diffident greaser that Mickey Rourke played in Diner. Times is wasting the talents of David Carr by pressing him into I love Mickey Rourke with all his excesses, his non sequiturs, service as its carpetbagging Oscar ninny. My personal take on his Chihuahuas.(Remember when he thanked them at the Golden newspapers remaking themselves for the digital age is: Hey, Globes?) Each shiny shirt and ill-considered interview only whatever works. Besides, the Bagger's more outré antics do makes me love him the more—and enhances in retrospect his rather compensate for the Times' continuing lack of a funnies extraordinary work in The Wrestler. (He may be a freak, but the page. (Thursday Styles and Maureen Dowd don't quite count.) dude can focus.) We need more movie stars who are weird—not just Brad-and-Angie adopt-a-rainbow-family level of weird, but To be continued, gritty, sordid, I-want-to-thank-my-Chihuahuas weird. (This is Troy why I'm convinced, or busy trying to convince myself, that Joaquin Phoenix's breakdown is a put-on; I want him to stick around as a high-functioning nutburger.) Penn will likely win best actor, and God knows he's earned it; I may like him less as a director than you do, but I find Milk a triumph of both politics and art. But no one who cares about a good story—and why else From: Dana Stevens do we go to the movies?—can help but wish that Rourke would To: Troy Patterson get to ascend the podium, shake his bleached forelock out of his Subject: We Need More Weird Movie Stars sunglass-shaded eyes, and say … well, that's just it. Wouldn't Posted Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 7:07 PM ET you love to know what on earth he would say?

Hugh Jackman (or as I like to call him, Huge Ackman) was a Dear Troy, very odd choice to host if the Academy is hoping, Benjamin Button-style, to "youthen" the Oscars this year. Doesn't he seem Greetings to you in your stalking perch outside Penélope Cruz's like a throwback to an earlier age of entertainment, a man who hideaway. (I imagine it smelling like jasmine and paella.) I can't could plausibly appear on The Ed Sullivan Show or squire say I've been following Oscar news with the thoroughness that Claudette Colbert to the Brown Derby? I'm not anti-Hugh—he befits a movie critic—if I did, there would have been no time to has the gameness of a Hollywood utility player, up for dancing see actual movies, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop would have passed or singing or herding digital cattle, and he may prove

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 84/116 surprisingly skilled at the required titration of sentiment and in which many of us first noticed him and in which I remember schtick. But he's always had, to me, the same strangely him best. rubberized quality as Kim Basinger or early Richard Gere; if you sliced him down the middle, he'd be the same consistency all the I don't propose to provide a full survey of Rourke's career: way through, like a Barbie doll. Not that I've ever daydreamed Sheila O'Malley has done that, definitively and beautifully, in about slicing movie stars down the middle. Why are you backing this chronicle of her long-standing love affair with his work. But away slowly? for those who haven't had the chance to confirm Rourke's talent via Netflix lately, let me just state that your fond memories of Numerous attempts to read through Nate Silver's highly Diner are not wrong. In the 27 years since its release, I'd come to technical crunching of the Oscar numbers kept stalling out at this assume that the movie couldn't justify the level of affection I had sentence: "Formally speaking, this required the use of statistical for it. Diner had congealed in my mind into a kind of feature- software and a process called logistic regression." The length Happy Days, a cutesy time capsule of '50s nostalgia. Academy's voting practices don't involve "logistic regression"; Whenever I'd think about Diner (or hear any of the songs from they involve actual regression, the acting out of primitive, its glorious soundtrack, especially the novelty hit "Ain't Got No unmappable affects like grief, pity, fear, and desire. Not to give Home"), I'd feel an almost guilty glow of well-being that Heath Ledger the best supporting actor trophy this year would somehow never translated into the desire to see it again: I didn't feel like a desecration of his memory (a sentiment with which I want to be let down, to discover it was never as good as I'd agree, by the way; despite the many other fine nominees in this thought. category, it's gotta be Heath). And Penélope will win for Vicky Cristina Barcelona because, like you, every red-blooded viewer Something similar seems to have happened with our cultural of that movie, male or female, wants to lurk in her, um, bushes. memory of Mickey Rourke. When he got so embarrassing in the (All scenes in VCB with Cruz and Javier Bardem speaking early '90s—if I had to date it precisely, I'd say 1991, the year of Spanish=¡Arriba!; all scenes with Scarlett Johansson and Desperate Hours and the deeply unfortunate Wild Orchid—it Rebecca Hall speaking English=Zzzzz.) was as if we had to forget why we once loved him so much, to downgrade his image retroactively in our minds. Adrian Lyne, I'm written out for today, so the reality-TV-ization of Slumdog the director of 9½ weeks, once said that "if Mickey had died Millionaire, Harvey Weinstein's ongoing attempt to star in his after Angel Heart, he would have been remembered as James own private oater, and the mystifying momentum of The Reader Dean or Marlon Brando": a gifted young man too beautiful to (no less an eminence than the Guardian's great David Thomson live. Instead he aged, drank, took bad roles, made stupid recently called it "easily the best and most disturbing movie of decisions, and eventually disappeared from sight. If you've the year") will have to wait. Until tomorrow? picked up a periodical or clicked on a Web site in the last few months, you know about Rourke's brief, doomed career in Yours, boxing, his decade or more on the skids, and his unlikely Dana resurrection in The Wrestler. But the arc of his comeback is hard to appreciate unless you peel back the layers of '90s cheese and look again at what Rourke was in the '80s: the freshest, most vivid, most exciting actor around. the oscars So, then: Diner (1982), Barry Levinson's first and best movie, a wistful comedy about a bunch of young men in Baltimore in the Captain Charisma winter of 1959. Though the ensemble acting is perfection (has How Mickey Rourke became irresistible again. Daniel Stern ever been so well cast? Ellen Barkin certainly By Dana Stevens hasn't), it's Rourke's movie before he even appears on-screen: In Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 3:39 PM ET the opening shot, Modell (Paul Reiser) enters a crowded party, looking for Rourke's character, Bobby "Boogie" Sheftell. "Have you seen Boogie?" he asks as the camera tracks him through the It's best not to hazard a guess as to whether Mickey Rourke will jitterbugging crowd. "Have you seen Boogie?" And then, in the pick up a best actor Oscar for The Wrestler this Sunday night; distance, we see Boogie—just standing around like everybody the odds have him losing to Sean Penn, but it wouldn't be the else, but clearly the guy to know at the party. As O'Malley first time this sly, mercurial, irreplaceable actor has overturned cannily points out, Rourke always plays that guy, the one to everyone's expectations. As Rourke awaits his big moment know: "We all know guys like that, guys who are not famous, (though, in fact, if the portrait of him that's emerged in recent but who have a glitter to them, something 'extra.' " interviews is accurate, he may not give a shit about the outcome—he's just enjoying the ride), I want to revisit the role That "something extra" is apparent in everything Rourke does in Diner: the loving sadness in his eyes as he watches his

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 85/116 developmentally arrested buddies bullshit around the diner table, Pauline Kael wrote a legendary review of Diner—legendary or the strange, almost feral way he suddenly pours half a because when it appeared in The New Yorker, the studio was dispenser's worth of sugar into his mouth as he sits at the diner contemplating shelving the movie, and Kael's rave was rumored counter, chasing it with a swig of Coke. By way of illustrating to have helped secure the film's release. In it, she singles out what made the young Rourke such a marvel to watch, it's worth Rourke for praise that, in retrospect, breaks your heart: "The doing a close reading of one of Diner's raunchiest and yet sleaziest and most charismatic figure of the group is Boogie, tenderest moments, known among Diner-heads (oh, they're out played by Mickey Rourke. … With luck, Rourke could become there) as the "pecker in the popcorn" scene. a major actor: he has an edge and magnetism, and a sweet, pure smile that surprises you. He seems to be acting to you, and to no The setup: Boogie has made a bet with his pals that he can get one else." Of course, Mickey Rourke never had that kind of luck, local beauty Carol Heathrow to "go for his pecker" on the first or maybe he had it and threw it away. But he's finally becoming date. Unbeknownst to the guys, Boogie has a lot riding on this the actor those early appearances promised, and his smile still bet: He owes his bookie $2,000, and things have started to get goes right through you. ugly. So he stacks the deck against Carol: As they sit together in a Sandra Dee movie, he maneuvers his manhood through the bottom flap of the popcorn box on his lap, so that she unwittingly touches it while reaching in. today's business press Like most of the rest of Diner, the "pecker in the popcorn" scene The "Cricket Tycoon" Nabbed is a single, long-form, punch-line-free joke, and it's irresistibly By Bernhard Warner funny. But the moment I want to show you comes just after Friday, February 20, 2009, at 6:01 AM ET (beginning around the 3:30 mark in this clip), when a grossed- out Carol flees to the ladies' room and Boogie follows her. He proceeds to win back her trust with a preposterous (and physiologically impossible) lie about how the pecker got in the box. The multiple and conflicting motivations at work are a today's papers Thanksgiving feast for any actor: Boogie must win Carol's California Lives! (For Now) affections back by faking boyish vulnerability. But we, the By Daniel Politi audience, know that Boogie truly is vulnerable; he needs that Friday, February 20, 2009, at 6:28 AM ET $2,000, not to mention the esteem of his friends, and he's using every tool in his toolbox—the gentle, self-deprecating smile, the The Los Angeles Times banners, while the Washington Post, feigned embarrassment at his disingenuous "confession"—to New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal's world-wide maneuver Carol back into the movie theater and eventually to newsbox lead with, California lawmakers finally passing a bed. He's a ruthless manipulator—and yet we still like Boogie so budget after a three-month battle. Legislators spent almost two much that we pray he'll pull it off. full days locked in the Capitol and finally got the two-thirds majority they needed to pass a budget that closes the state's $42- That's the thing with Rourke: He always plays the counter- billion deficit. But, as the LAT highlights, the fight isn't over, as emotion beneath the emotion, the anti-intuitive expression or $5.8 billion in the budget depends on voters approving a series gesture. (In his lazy midcareer period, this came to look like a of ballot measures in a special election May 19. The NYT and reflexive tic—instead of seeming to hold a part of himself in WP say that the drama surrounding California's budget is a mysterious reserve, Rourke simply seemed to be not trying.) But preview of what could soon be seen in state capitals across the there were bad movies in which Rourke still managed to be country. With an economy that's larger than all but seven nations great: 9½ Weeks is muddled and witless, nowhere near as sexy and a deficit that's larger than the expenditure of all but 10 other as it thinks it is. But behold the striptease scene, in which Kim states, California clearly has outsized problems. "But with 40 Basinger strips to a Randy Newman song as Mickey watches in states operating in the red, similar days of reckoning will soon a bathrobe, eating popcorn and smoking a cigarette. It's such a be coming to state capitals from Florida to Arizona," notes the stylized '80s scene—the silhouetted blonde in a doorway, the Post. white soul on the soundtrack—that it borders on being an MTV music video. But Rourke undermines the slick voyeurism by USA Today leads with a look at the increasing cost of acquiring laughing in pure delight at his lover's performance. A few years individual health insurance at a time when more Americans are later, in soft-core-porn trash like the unwatchable Wild Orchid, seeking the coverage because they lost their jobs. Individuals Rourke would caress his soon-to-be-wife Carré Otis with a have no choice but to accept the higher rates because they don't grimacing solemnity meant to be "erotic." In 9½ Weeks, he have the power to negotiate with insurers. In the past few sketches a whole relationship—a sick one, yes, but affectionate months, more people have been seeking individual health too—with a laugh. coverage, and while insurance companies say the increases aren't

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 86/116 out of the ordinary, they do come as a shock to consumers who Clinton's trip. And that's hardly the only way Clinton has broken never experienced them when they were covered through an from the past. Clinton's main goal seems to be to let the world employer. know that the United States wants to form partnerships and hear everyone's view. Her schedule has so many public appearances Democratic lawmakers were finally able to get one more that it "has the feel of a presidential visit—or even a presidential Republican by promising a ballot measure that would rewrite campaign." Whereas Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice were California's election rules to institute "open" primaries. This formal and meticulously kept to their schedules, Clinton appears would mean that candidates of all parties would compete against far more easygoing and seems "to be enjoying herself immensely each other and then the two who get the most votes would on her trip." proceed to the general election. The new rules wouldn't apply to governor races. Some Democrats weren't shy about expressing Everybody reports that Benjamin Netanyahu moved a significant their anger and called the key Republican lawmaker an step closer toward becoming Israel's next prime minister when "extortionist." All 75 Democrats and six of the 44 Republicans he gained the endorsement of controversial nationalist politician voted for the budget that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Avigdor Lieberman. Israeli President Shimon Peres still hasn't expected to sign tomorrow. decided who should be given the first shot at forming a government, but Lieberman's endorsement is likely to be The WP reminds readers that Schwarzenegger reached power decisive. Lieberman urged Netanyahu to form a coalition with after voters recalled then-Gov. Gray Davis for the way he Tzipi Livni of the Kadima Party, but she quickly said she handled a budget crisis. Among the new taxes Schwarzenegger wouldn't serve in a "right-wing extremist government under has agreed to in the budget is a doubling of the car tax that Likud." If a Netanyahu-Lieberman government does emerge, it "more than anything hastened Davis's departure from office." In would probably lead to clashes with the Obama administration a long look at California's economic woes, USAT says that the over the appropriate way to pursue peace negotiations with the recession "exposed an ugly version of California Dreamin'." Palestinians. Politicians spent heavily during the boom years but failed to take into account that they might not last forever. "There's no real The WSJ goes big with, and everyone covers, news that the Dow reason for California to have the kind of decline it is having Jones industrial average reached a new six-year low yesterday. now," an analyst tells the paper. "It's more and more clear that The Dow has plunged 15 percent since the beginning of the year it's the failure of the political system more than anything else." and is down more than 47 percent from its record close 16 months ago. The Standard & Poor's 500 index is still above its The NYT says that both sides would have had to compromise November low, but analysts fear that it will soon follow the more if it wasn't for the stimulus money. Now California "might Dow's lead as experts are telling investors that they're still not have set the template" for how other states will use the more seeing signs that the market has reached bottom. flexible parts of the stimulus cash from the federal government. "My guess is states will use what they can to reduce cuts to the The WP's Dana Milbank reports on what sounds like an almost bone in education and health care," one budget expert said. too-good-to-be-true public appearance by Richard Perle, who tried to convince an audience he isn't a neoconservative and, in The LAT fronts Hillary Clinton's statement that American fact, that neoconservatives don't even exist. "There is no such officials are working with allies to figure out what to do if North thing as a neoconservative foreign policy," Perle said. The man Korean leader Kim Jong-il leaves power. "Everybody's trying to who co-authored a report that "is widely seen as the cornerstone read the tea leaves about what's happening and what's likely to of neoconservative foreign policy," as the WP explains, says he occur," Clinton told reporters in her first trip as secretary of didn't even read it before attaching his name. He even tried to state. Clinton said that even a peaceful transition could lead to a argue that there's no evidence these so-called neocons favored dangerous situation as the new leaders try to consolidate power. using the military to spread democracy and tried to say that There have already been signs that the North Korean regime is when he talks about "regime change," he never means to "imply growing more confrontational. Although many believe that Kim military force." Milbank says the audience was "skeptical." is once again in power after reports that he suffered a stroke last Maybe they were too dumbfounded to laugh? year, Clinton's comments "suggested that there is now a widespread conviction that Kim is on the way out," notes the In a "note to readers," the NYT looks back at a story published LAT. almost a year ago about Sen. John McCain's record that made reference to Vicki Iseman, a Washington lobbyist. "The article Clinton adamantly denied she had made a mistake by even did not state, and The Times did not intend to conclude, that Ms. mentioning North Korean succession. "It's not like it's some Iseman had engaged in a romantic affair with Senator McCain or classified matter that's not being discussed in many circles," she an unethical relationship on behalf of her clients in breach of the said. But it's certainly a subject that her predecessor "probably public trust," declares the NYT. The note is part of a settlement would have avoided," notes the WP in a front-page look at the NYT reached with Iseman, who filed a defamation suit

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 87/116 against the paper. Iseman's counsel also writes a piece for the "the largest federal foreclosure-prevention package in decades." NYT's Web site, where they mention "the tremendous harm that The plan could cost as much as $275 billion, of which $75 was caused by an article that we believe cut to the heart of our billion will go to help up to 4 million homeowners prevent client's personal as well as public identity." The lawyers say foreclosure; the rest will go toward doubling the government's Iseman "is not a government or public official, and in our view, financial backing of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie not even a public figure," so she's entitled to the protections Mac to $400 billion. Many of the plan's details won't be released given to a private citizen. In an accompanying response, Bill until early March, but everyone notes that it "was more Keller, the NYT's editor, disagrees and says that a "publicly ambitious and expensive than many housing analysts had registered lobbyist is hired to influence public officials on expected," as the NYT puts it. Still, many cautioned that it won't matters of public policy. That seems to us to be exactly the sort end the foreclosure crisis, and millions of homeowners won't be of figure journalists are supposed to watch." Keller emphasizes eligible to receive help. that the case was settled "without money changing hands, and without The Times backing away from the story." The Los Angeles Times off-leads Obama's announcement and leads locally with the continuing fight over California's budget. The LAT's James Rainey writes that while he thinks the NYT After state senators "spent a second frustrating day locked inside deserved the legal victory, "running free out the courthouse door the Capitol," it looks like a deal could finally be in the making hardly amounts to winning the high journalistic ground." In the that would give Democrats and the governor the one Republican year since the story was published, the essential facts remain the vote they need to pass the spending plan that includes more than same. Ultimately, the NYT "overreached for a story ripe with sex $14 billion in tax increases. and thereby distracted from a much more important story about influence." The plan announced by Obama yesterday essentially helps two types of homeowners. It would help as many as 5 million people Delving into a subject that TP has been fascinated with lately, who have a mortgage guaranteed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac the NYT takes a front-page look at how the British public is and are current on their payments but don't have enough equity obsessively watching one of its most famous reality TV stars die. in their homes to refinance to take advantage of lower interest Jade Goody* appeared on Big Brother in 2002 and quickly rates. The administration hopes that by giving $200 billion more became "a working-class Paris Hilton." The public turned in financial backing to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, it can against her when she made a racist remark in another reality broadly increase the amount of credit that is available. But a vast show but then came back when she learned, on camera, and in majority of homeowners who are "underwater," those who owe another show, that she had cervical cancer. Now that the cancer more on their mortgages than their homes are worth, won't has spread, and the doctors have said there's no hope, the media qualify. Homeowners will only be able to refinance if their and the public seemingly can't get enough of her final moments. mortgages are no more than 5 percent above the current market "I've lived in front of the cameras," she said. "And maybe I'll die value. in front of them." Although some insist she's just doing what she can to secure her children's financial future, that doesn't make it The centerpiece of the plan was the $75 billion that will be any less troubling. "This is reality television carried out to its devoted to helping ailing homeowners avoid foreclosure by most extreme, grotesque conclusion," declares the NYT. bringing mortgage payments down to 31 percent of monthly income. The idea is that if a lender agrees to reduce mortgage Correction, Feb. 20, 2009: This article originally misspelled the payments so they make up no more than 38 percent of monthly name of Jade Goody. (Return to the corrected sentence.) income, the government would share the cost to bring that down to 31 percent. Lenders would receive direct financial incentives to participate, a fact that has led some to criticize the plan because foreclosures are expensive, so lenders should usually want to avoid them, anyway. "They don't need the extra gravy today's papers from a government handout," one expert tells the Post. In order to further encourage lenders to avoid foreclosures, Obama also A Helping Hand for (Some) Homeowners said he would push Congress to give bankruptcy judges the By Daniel Politi power to modify mortgages. Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 6:36 AM ET The WSJ points out the program doesn't do anything to try to The Washington Post, New York Times, USA Today, and the increase demand for housing. The focus will be on helping Wall Street Journal's world-wide newsbox all lead with owners stay in their homes and not investors, which, as the Post President Obama's new plan to help as many as 9 million notes, is "a politically understandable position but one that struggling homeowners stay in their homes by helping them ignores the fact that investors accounted for as much as 40 refinance their mortgages or prevent foreclosure. The WP calls it percent of home sales during the peak of the housing bubble." In

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 88/116 a front-page analysis, the LAT says that while the plan involves The NYT reports that Gov. Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas is "the "strategies that attack the complex problems on several fronts," leading candidate" to become the next secretary of health and many still have doubts "about whether the initiative will be bold human services. White House officials caution nothing has been enough and swift enough to succeed." decided yet but say she would be a particularly strong choice because of her record of being able to work across party lines as The WP is alone in moving to Page One the questions a Democrat in a Republican state. surrounding Sen. Roland Burris and his continually changing story about his contacts with former Gov. Rod Blagojevich's Regular Slate readers might be interested to know that it looks aides before he was appointed to Obama's old Senate seat. Burris like Phillip Carter, who has contributed dozens of articles to "thought he was crowning his pioneering career with a position Slate over the years, might be named deputy assistant secretary at the political pinnacle" but now "finds himself fighting to save of defense for detainee affairs, according to the Post. both his job and his reputation," notes the Post. Inside, the LAT says that while Burris may have had some trouble gaining The LAT takes a look at how Hollywood is struggling to find the admittance into the Senate, "he will not be easily expelled" now right balance between glamour and sensitivity to the current state that he's part of the club. It's incredibly rare for senators to of the economy for this Sunday's Oscars. Some things are formally get rid of one of their own. In fact, the last ones to obvious. Parties are being scaled back, and no one is clamoring suffer that fate were accused of supporting the rebels during the to wear diamond-encrusted shoes. "It used to be chic to say, 'I'm Civil War. But considering he's such a new member who arrived wearing $16 million worth of jewels,' " a publicist said. "That's under questionable circumstances, some think he might start to distasteful right now." But some say there's a risk of going too feel an incredible amount of pressure to resign. far into recession mode and warn that if movie stars try too hard to appear sympathetic to the economic woes of millions of The NYT and WSJ front news that UBS has agreed to release the Americans, no one will want to watch. "Would you really want names of American account-holders as part of a $780 billion to tune in and see a bunch of women walking down the red settlement with prosecutors after Switzerland's largest bank carpet in black pantsuits?" the fashion director of InStyle admitted that it actively helped customers hide money from the magazine said. "It's a recession, not an apocalypse." IRS. It is not clear how many names UBS will reveal, but the WSJ says it will be around 250. The mere fact that UBS has agreed to release names is big news as it breaks with Switzerland's long-standing tradition of secrecy in the nation's banking system. "The Swiss are saying that this is the end of today's papers Swiss banking as they knew it," an offshore tax specialist tells the NYT. "Nobody will trust the security of the Swiss bank No One Can Escape the Crisis account." Prosecutors suspect UBS helped American clients hide By Daniel Politi around $20 billion from U.S. authorities and threatened the bank Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 6:52 AM ET and its executives with indictments if they refused to cooperate. The whole world is crashing. That's essentially the message of The WP off-leads newly released documents that show that in the Washington Post's lead story that takes a look at how 1964, "J. Edgar Hoover's FBI found itself quietly consumed with markets plunged around the world yesterday amid signs that are the vexing question" of whether Jack Valenti was gay. Valenti, making it seem increasingly clear that no one is going to survive who died two years ago and was head of the Motion Picture the economic crisis unscathed. The economies in Japan, Britain, Association of America from 1966 until 2004, was a top aide to and Germany are all falling at a rate not seen in decades. And President Lyndon Johnson in 1964, when Hoover's staff tried to emerging economies "are contracting at a pace few had predicted determine whether he had a relationship with a male just months ago." The Dow Jones industrial average plunged photographer. At first Johnson didn't want the FBI to investigate nearly 300 points and closed just a fraction of a point above its the issue, but he then relented to pressure and allowed it to go November low. forward. It's no secret that Hoover's FBI constantly looked into claims of "homosexual activity," which, at the time, could The Los Angeles Times and New York Times lead with, while the destroy a Washington career, but the obsession with Valenti Wall Street Journal banners, General Motors and Chrylser seems to have been particularly intense. And, just in case this reporting that they need an additional $21.6 billion in whole thing isn't weird enough, the Post reports that Bill government loans to avoid collapsing. In the restructuring plans Moyers, the man who is now known as a staunchly liberal that they submitted to the Treasury Department yesterday, the television personality but was then a White House aide, auto giants outlined a series of steps to reduce costs, including apparently sought "information on the sexual preferences of cutting 50,000 jobs worldwide, closing plants, and dropping White House staff members." Moyers says he doesn't really brands. USA Today leads with news that some airline passengers remember what that was all about. will be screened by body scanning machines starting today. The

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 89/116 experimental program begins in one airport, and several others automakers, particularly considering the current conditions in will join in the next two months. The scanners essentially look the market. The WP notes some lawmakers are "expressing through a passenger's clothing to find things that might be skepticism" about providing more money to the automakers. The hidden and wouldn't be picked up by a metal detector, such as WSJ suggests that while the GM plan was widely seen as a step plastic explosives. in the right direction, Chrysler's left a lot to be desired. Chrysler's plan to cut production capacity by 100,000 vehicles Obama signed the stimulus package yesterday, but that did little amounts to "a modest reduction for a company that has several to calm investors who were confronted with a spate of grim more plants than it needs," notes the Journal. There is mounting economic data from countries that many had predicted would opposition on Capitol Hill to sinking more taxpayer cash into help the world climb out of the recession. Even the dire Chrysler until Cerberus Capital Management, its majority owner, predictions from a few months ago are starting to look invests some more of its own money into the automaker. optimistic. "Manufacturing, construction, financial services, non- financial, retail—wherever you look, you see a complete In its inside pages, the NYT takes a look at GM's brand-cutting, a collapse in demand," one economist tells the Post. "It really is painful move for a company that often prided itself in having "a like the floor has come out of confidence in global economic car for every purse and purpose." GM now says it will focus on demand." four brands, but some experts contend even that is two too many. "A volume brand and a premium brand can get the job done. The WSJ takes a front-page look at how European markets were Toyota has proven that," said the editor of Edmunds.com. particularly affected by increased fears of a "full-blown "Cadillac, Chevy, done." In another inside piece, the NYT notes economic crash in Eastern Europe." Shares of Western banks that by not naming a "car czar" Obama has put himself in that that do business in the area were particularly affected as some position. If the Obama administration decides it wants to bail out are beginning to warn that Eastern Europe could soon see a the automakers, it means that the administration officials, and collapse on the same scale as the Asian crisis of the late 1990s. ultimately the president, will have to be involved in detailed Until recently, Eastern Europe was experiencing huge growth discussions into issues such as work forces, brands, and health and was seen as a mecca for investors, but "the region's fortunes care, all while "the auto industry—like the financial industry— have abruptly reversed," declares the WSJ. One group says it will essentially be run from inside the Treasury." expects a mere $30 billion to flow into emerging European economies in 2009, a huge decline from the $254 billion in All the papers front, and the WSJ leads its world-wide newsbox 2008. with, Obama's first major deployment of combat troops. The president authorized an additional 17,000 soldiers and Marines Considering that GM and Chrysler have already received $17.4 for Afghanistan. The move will increase the number of U.S. billion in government loans, yesterday's requests would increase troops in Afghanistan by nearly 50 percent. By midsummer there the total cost of bailing out the automakers to a whopping $39 should be around 55,000 U.S. troops in Afghanistan working billion. And, of course, there are no guarantees that either alongside 32,000 NATO troops. There have been hints that company won't come back for billions more in the future. The Obama will send even more troops to Afghanistan, but that won't NYT notes that the Obama administration now has "two options, happen until a full strategy review is completed in about six neither of them appealing." It can either continue to prop up the weeks. companies or simply deny their request, which would likely force two of Detroit's Big Three to file for bankruptcy Another day brings yet another explanation from Illinois Sen. protection, and company officials made sure to emphasize that, Roland Burris about his contacts with former Gov. Rod in the long run, that would be far more costly for taxpayers. Blagojevich before he was appointed to Obama's old Senate seat. Burris now says that he did, in fact, try to raise some money for Specifically, GM said it would cut 47,000 jobs worldwide this Blagojevich at the same time as he was seeking the appointment year and close five North American plants in addition to the to the Senate but was unsuccessful. For those keeping track at closures it had already announced. The company will also begin home, the WP notes that this was "Burris's fifth version" of to focus on just four of its brands: Chevrolet, Cadillac, GMC, events. The Senate Ethics Committee and an Illinois prosecutor and Buick. GM says that if it receives government help it could have launched investigations. The WP's editorial page says this return to profitability within 24 months but probably would run whole thing is getting tiring. "Burris's story has more twists than out of money by March without more taxpayer cash. Chrysler, the Chicago El," says the Post. "The people of Illinois have which increased its total request to $9 billion, said it would cut suffered enough. Mr. Burris should resign." 3,000 more jobs this year and stop producing the PT Cruiser, Dodge Durango, and Chrysler Aspen models. In yet another disturbing story about the special immigration- enforcement units that were set up after Sept. 11 to catch The LAT says that, overall, industry analysts "were skeptical" dangerous illegal immigrants, the Post takes a look at a raid that that the plans presented would be enough to save the took place in January 2007 that detained 24 Latino men. After

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 90/116 being admonished for failing to meet their quota for arrests, a The New York Times leads with, and the Los Angeles Times team descended on a 7-Eleven in Maryland and just started fronts, the Pakistani government's announcement that it would detaining people, many of whom were in the country illegally accept the enforcement of Sharia, or Islamic law, in the Swat but most were not fugitives. One, in fact, had just stopped by to Valley as part of a cease-fire deal with Islamic militants. get coffee on the way to the hospital to visit his wife and child. Pakistani analysts and human rights groups said the move amounts to a dangerous concession to Islamic extremists, who The WSJ takes an interesting look at the confusion surrounding control much of the region that is a mere 100 miles northwest of the executive-pay restrictions that were inserted into the Islamabad. The Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal's economic stimulus package and could end up affecting more world-wide newsbox lead with, and the NYT off-leads, the last- people than previously believed. The law essentially restricts the minute negotiations going on at Chrysler and General Motors as compensation of the 25 highest-paid people in a company that the auto giants rushed to meet the deadline to submit recovery receives bailout money. But if the company identifies the 25 plans to the government by 5 p.m. today. The companies are people it intends to pay the most this year and restricts their pay, largely expected to ask for more money when they outline plans they would no longer be the highest paid people and 25 new to cut production and brands as well as lay off more workers. people would fall into that category. So does that mean their pay The WP points out that "as detailed as the plans are, they are would have to be restricted as well? Alternatively, if it's done more of a starting point than an end." based on compensation received in 2008, those whose pay is restricted wouldn't be the highest paid in 2009. It could all result USA Today leads with word that cyberattacks on government in a "weird game of leapfrog," as an executive-compensation computer networks increased 40 percent last year. While some attorney puts it. of that increase may be from better reporting, officials say the threat is real and continually increasing. "Government systems The NYT and WSJ front news that the Securities and Exchange are under constant attack," said the counterintelligence chief in Commission charged R. Allen Stanford with a "massive ongoing the Office of the Director of National Intelligence. The LAT fraud" involving $8 billion in certificates of deposit. According continues to lead with California's fiscal crisis as state to the SEC, Stanford International Bank, which is based in lawmakers are still unable to get enough votes to pass a budget. Antigua, and other companies that Stanford controlled lured Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is preparing to send pink slips to investors into buying the CDs by promising "improbable, if not 10,000 government workers and plans to stop the remaining impossible" returns that were far higher than other banks. public works projects that were protected from earlier cutbacks. Although he claimed there was lots of oversight, it turns out that The NYT declares that the nation's most populous state "appears the investments were reviewed by only two people. The NYT headed off the fiscal rails." notes that regulators are "likely to face tough questions" because Stanford's activities have been raising red flags since 1998. The Pakistani government's acceptance of a truce that was Interestingly enough, the charges are the result of an inquiry offered by the Taliban is unlikely to make Washington very opened in October 2006 that the SEC apparently paused until happy, particularly considering that the administration's new late last year "at the request of another federal agency," reports special envoy to the region, Richard Holbrooke, visited the area the NYT. last week. The United States has been pushing the Pakistani government not to give up the fight against the militants, and The NYT reports that for around $100 frustrated investors can many analysts say that agreeing to impose Islamic law in the take a hammer to Bernard Madoff. One company has released a Malakand region would only motivate militants in other parts of 7-inch Smash-Me Bernie doll that shows a smiling Madoff in a the country. "This means you have surrendered to a handful of red devil suit with a pitchfork. The doll comes with a gold extremists," said the leader of a movement in favor of an "commemorative" hammer. The company has received 1,000 independent judiciary. "The state is under attack; instead of orders for the Madoff doll and just got an order for 50 dolls that dealing with them as aggressors, the government has abdicated." look like John Thain, the former Merrill Lynch executive. Will a The LAT points out that many see the development as Stanford doll be next? particularly troubling because the area is far from the Afghan border and "not part of the semiautonomous tribal belt, where militants have a well-established foothold."

Pakistani officials defended the decision and said it was a today's papers response to demands from the people that the courts were plagued with corruption and horribly slow. They also claim that Detroit Gets Back to Washington Sharia is consistent with existing law and emphasize that the By Daniel Politi new system won't be similar to what the Taliban imposed in Tuesday, February 17, 2009, at 6:58 AM ET Afghanistan, where women were banned from getting an education and adulterers were stoned to death. But, in fact, no

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 91/116 one is quite sure what the effect of imposing Sharia will be, and The NYT profiles Lawrence Summers, the White House's chief the LAT specifically notes that it "remains unclear" whether economic adviser, and at one point asks him whether he practices that are already evident in tribal areas, such as cutting supported Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner's decision to off a thief's hand, will become the norm. announce the bank bailout plan before all the details were hammered out. "I just don't do ticktock," he said using the The NYT takes an interesting front-page look at how Pakistani "newspaper slang for behind-the-scenes tales." But the WP does. immigrants from the Swat region say their families are being In a business section piece, the WP says that the reason Geithner targeted by Taliban militants because they live in the United had so few details to offer when he presented the plan was that States. Militants see Pakistani immigrants as American "he and his team made a sudden about-face" just days before it collaborators, who also happen to be a good source for ransom was scheduled to be released. When Geithner decided that what cash. These immigrants are often left with the feeling that they're they had been working on for weeks was no good, they didn't actually hurting their families in Pakistan by living in the United have enough time to work out the details before the plan's much- States and sending back money. Most troubling of all, many anticipated unveiling. immigrants say they have been targeted by Taliban sympathizers in the United States and many believe the Taliban has "spies" in The WP's Style section has an interesting profile of Christopher the United States whose job is to keep tabs on the immigrants, Poole, the creator of the infamous 4chan.org, which the paper although there's little concrete proof that's the case. describes as "one of the weirdest, vast-est, most disgusting-est sites online." Poole, who goes by moot, is "the most influential In advance of the deadline for GM and Chrysler to submit their and famous Internet celebrity you've never heard of" and he's proposals, the Obama administration hasn't been subtle about often greeted like a rock star at conferences for those in the hinting that the companies may have to restructure under know. Even though his site's message boards have spawned bankruptcy protection. The NYT focuses on the "intense some of the most famous memes in Internet history, and they negotiations" going on between GM and the United Automobile receive around 5 million visitors a month, the 21-year-old Poole Workers over health care for retirees, which was the centerpiece is no Mark Zuckerberg. He still lives with his mom, is in debt, of the 2007 agreement that the automaker reached with the and hasn't been able to find a job. "4chan is the big question of union. The discussions are expected to continue even after the the Internet wrapped into one big case study," says one Internet companies present their plans to the government. expert.

Although the White House has decided to get rid of the "car The NYT points out that despite the fact that several studies in czar" figure, the WSJ makes it clear that investment banker Ron the past few years have shown that taking vitamins in pill form Bloom will take the "lead role" in President Obama's new doesn't do anything to prevent chronic disease or prolong life, Cabinet-level task force. People familiar with Bloom's work that hasn't stopped people from taking them. About half of expect him to be tough on all involved in the restructuring American adults take some form of dietary supplement even process. "The management of the Big Three are probably not though it's just not clear whether taking nutrients in pill form going to like what Ron Bloom has to say; the UAW is not going helps in any way for those who don't have a particular nutrient to like what Ron Bloom has to say; and certainly the deficiency. "I'm puzzled why the public in general ignores the stockholders and creditors will not like what he has to say," one results of well-done trials," one doctor said. "The public's belief person who has worked with Bloom tells the WSJ. The NYT says in the benefits of vitamins and nutrients is not supported by the that once the plans are handed in to the government, the available scientific data." president's task force will take at least a week to complete a review.

While the massive stimulus bill passed by Congress "represents one of the largest federal investments in healthcare in history," today's papers the LAT takes a look at how the rules determining who would So Long, Car Czar get help with health insurance were picked "on the fly." Because By Daniel Politi of last-minute changes on the bill, millions of middle-class Monday, February 16, 2009, at 6:43 AM ET Americans who lost their jobs during the recession won't be able to count on the federal government for help with their health insurance. Lawmakers cut a provision allowing the unemployed The New York Times leads with news that President Obama has into the Medicaid insurance program and determined that only decided to drop plans to name a single "car czar" to oversee the workers who were laid off after September are eligible for health restructuring of General Motors and Chrysler. Instead, Treasury insurance subsidies. Secretary Timothy Geithner and National Economic Council Director Lawrence Summers will oversee the Presidential Task Force on Autos, which will work with a number of government

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 92/116 agencies on the issue. Ron Bloom, a restructuring expert, would The WP fronts word that after the Mumbai attacks, the CIA also be named as a senior adviser to Treasury on the auto oversaw "back-channel intelligence exchanges" between India industry. USA Today leads with a look at how state and local and Pakistan that allowed the two countries to share sensitive governments have pretty much failed to set aside any money to information quietly. The United States acted as a neutral pay for at least $1 trillion in medical benefits to retired civil authority in these exchanges, which began soon after the attacks. servants. States have $445 billion in unfunded obligations to Officials from both countries say this cooperation helped help retirees pay for health insurance, and local governments overcome initial suspicions and was instrumental in Pakistan's have obligations that surpass the $500 billion mark. decision to acknowledge that some of the planning for the attack Governments may now be forced to cut benefits or raise taxes in occurred within its borders. The question now is whether this order to deal with the issue. cooperation will continue and whether it will help discussions over Kashmir's future when "domestic politics in both countries The Washington Post leads with a look at the political stakes in often dictate hostility rather than cooperation," notes the Post. the massive stimulus package that Obama will sign tomorrow. The partisan vote means the package will be accompanied by a All the papers go inside with news that President Hugo Chávez public-relations battle that will see Democrats trying to convince won yesterday's referendum to eliminate term limits, which will the public that the plan is working. Republicans, on the other allow Venezuela's president to remain in office indefinitely after hand, are betting that it will fail and that they'll be able to gain his term ends in 2013. A little more than a year ago, from that in the 2010 elections and beyond by focusing on the Venezuelans rejected a similar measure that tied presidential deficit. The Los Angeles Times leads locally with the inability of term limits with other constitutional changes. But Chávez won California's lawmakers to pass a budget that would help the with 54.3 percent of the vote this time around. The LAT says nation's most populous state reduce its $41 billion deficit. After a analysts believe that Chávez was helped by simplifying the vote, weekend filled with tense, all-night negotiations, lawmakers making it solely about term limits and extending the benefit to were still unable to get enough support from Republicans for a all elected officials, which encouraged politicians across the package that includes $14.4 billion in temporary tax increases. country to push their constituents to support the measure.

The news that the administration will abandon plans for a "car Everyone notes that the Japanese government announced that its czar" comes a day before General Motors and Chrysler are country's economy contracted at the fastest pace in 35 years late required to file restructuring plans to the Treasury. Most predict in 2008. In the fourth quarter of last year, Japan's gross domestic that the two companies will be asking for more loans from the product plunged at an annual rate of 12.7 percent, the steepest government in order to stay afloat this year. But even as the two drop since 1974. "There's no question that this is the worst auto giants rush to finish their plans, they still haven't reached recession in the postwar period," Japan's economic minister said. pivotal agreements with bondholders and the United Auto Workers. In the WP's op-ed page, Carl Icahn writes that while regulators and executives have been held to the fire for their failures to The LAT fronts a look at how many industry experts believe that foresee and plan for the current financial crisis, boards of simple cost-cutting and debt reduction won't be enough to save directors have largely escaped criticism. A company's board is GM, a company that is beset by "deep-rooted structural supposed to represent the shareholders, but it's clear that "many problems." The paper focuses on telling the story of the were just not doing their jobs," he writes. "In this global Chevrolet Malibu and the Chevrolet Impala to illustrate the hard meltdown we are seeing that many board members were choices that the auto giant faces. While GM has spent hundreds demonstrably unqualified, abjectly remiss or simply too cozy of millions of dollars advertising and promoting the Malibu, the with management." The current crisis should be used as an similarly sized and priced Impala remains a bigger seller, even opportunity to "strengthen boards at public companies" and carry though the company barely mentions it in its advertising. Many out "lasting changes to make them more accountable to see the Impala as representative of the old GM, but it's difficult stakeholders." for the company simply to turn its back on such a huge seller. The two cars are just one example of how GM "produces The NYT's Paul Krugman continues to beat the bad-news drum essentially identical vehicles under different nameplates," notes and points out "there has been basically no wealth creation at all the LAT. There are signs that GM is ready to make hard choices since the turn of the millennium." Americans thought they were it has been avoiding and focus on fewer brands, but some doubt getting richer, but it turns out that was an illusion while the that will be enough unless the company goes through a complete "surge in debt had been all too real." Now the private sector as a overhaul. "Unless they totally restructure from top to bottom,I whole is suffering from "too much debt and too few assets." So, mean throw out everything, GM will fail," an expert tells the even if the government eventually takes the necessary steps to LAT. rescue banks, it would be solving only part of the problem. "The odds are that the legacy of our time of illusion," writes Krugman, "will be a long, painful slump."

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 93/116 President Barack Obama's policy initiatives. In a related piece, the NYT fronts a profile on the rising influence of Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor. As the House today's papers Republican whip, Canton was responsible for Geithner Pitches Plan Across the Pond ensuring that no House Republican broke ranks By Jesse Stanchak over the stimulus package. Sunday, February 15, 2009, at 6:24 AM ET Federal prosecutors have won dozens of Iraq The Washington Post leads with Treasury Secretary reconstruction corruption cases against contractors Timothy Geithner meeting with foreign officials in and midlevel military personnel, but now they may order to build confidence in the Treasury's bank finally have some big fish on the hook. Using bailout proposal. The Los Angeles Times leads with information obtained by a now-deceased arms its analysis of the implications of last week's highly dealer, prosecutors are taking aim at a pair of partisan vote on the economic stimulus package. colonels who oversaw the early stages of Iraq's The New York Times leads with the U.S. military reconstruction programs. conducting a new corruption investigation targeting a pair of high-ranking officers who oversaw the The NYT off-leads with a look at a new military early phases of Iraq's reconstruction. recruitment program for immigrants. The recruitment program will target legal immigrants During a meeting with senior officials from other who have lived in the country for at least two G7 nations, Treasury Secretary Geithner did his years, have temporary work visas and posess best to reassure his international counterparts that certain special skills. The Pentagon hopes the the U.S. is taking steps to address its financial program will help bring in speakers of desirable crisis. After being criticized for not being specific languages, as well as medial professionals. The enough about the bailout plan during a domestic article's headline and lead focus on immigrants press conference, Geithner took his time with his being able to gain citizenship through military international audience. During the six-hour service, but that's not such a new development. meeting, he told attendees that the U.S. The article acknowledges that immigrants who sign government isn't looking for a one-size-fits-all up for military service have been able to expedite approach to the banking crisis. Instead, it will tailor their citizenship applications since 2002. This new its plans to meet the needs of specific institutions. program wouldn't really change the military's path The WP says Geithner did a better job of selling his to citizenship, it would just make it easier for plan this time around, with many of the meeting's immigrants to take advantage of it. attendees saying they felt reassured. On the domestic front, Geithner says the next major The WP off-leads with a package detailing announcement about the administration's financial executive compensation limits included in the strategy is likely to come on Wednesday, when the stimulus measure. The final bill contained stricter administration will detail its foreclosure prevention measures than the ones Obama suggested, causing plan. many finance professionals to predict an exodus of top talent to other industries. The lopsided vote over the economic stimulus package proves Washington isn't ready for post- Facing the worst economic crisis in decades, the partisan politics, and the LAT says the battle is just LAT looks back to the 1930s for insight into how getting started. The paper argues that by voting people endure hard times. In a front-page feature, against the stimulus measure, Republicans are survivors of the Great Depression reminisce about betting that either the stimulus package will fail or the hardships they lived through and the lessons it will have significant drawbacks that will dry up its they learned. popular support. The article suggests that the fate of the GOP's 2010 comeback bid may rest entirely Things are tough all over: The NYT fronts a look at how the on whether the party guessed correctly about the global economic crisis could destabilize fragile stimulus. The paper says the vote sets up a governments. While the U.S. has lost 3.6 million precedent for similar party-line tactics for all of jobs in the current recession, more than 50 million

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 94/116 jobs have been lost worldwide. Protests and strikes the former governor. In fact, Burris' new story have begun popping up everywhere work is pretty plainly contradicts what he told the Illinois disappearing, even in countries like China were House of Representatives impeachment committee civil dissent is seldom tolerated. Director of while he was under oath. Illinois lawmakers are National Intelligence Dennis C. Blair recently said now calling for a formal investigation. instability from global unemployment has eclipsed terrorism as the greatest threat to U.S. security. Times are hard for Detroit automakers and the Big The paper says protectionist trade policies are Three have responded by slashing budgets for gaining ground, both in the U.S. and abroad, as everything from production to marketing. The WP countries look for ways to prop up their flagging reports, however, that Ford, General Motors and economies. Chrysler have all kept up their association with NASCAR, as stock car marketing events still have The WP fronts a profile on disgraced peanut huge potential to convert fans into potential magnate Stewart Parnell. Parnell's company, the customers. Peanut Corporation of America, is believed to be responsible for a salmonella outbreak that The paparazzi in South Korea aren't targeting triggered the biggest food recall in U.S. history. celebrities, according to the LAT. Instead, they go The paper looks into conditions at Parnell's Texas after photos of people committing pretty crimes peanut facility and what they find is just plain and use the pictures to collect reward money. disgusting. The plant was leaky, moldy and filled with vermin excrement. Former employees say A Nigerian Prince in Every Inbox: Is the conditions at the plant were substandard for years. Internet too riddled with security problems to The real question here is why regulators never survive? The NYT posits that the only way to create caught on to the lack of sanitation. The paper says a safe, sustainable Web is to start over with a new federal and state officials had no idea the plant network that removes some of the anonymity and even existed and so the plant wasn't inspected. Yet freedom of the current 'net. at the same time Parnell was selling peanuts to the government for school lunches and advising the Department of Agriculture on peanut standards. TP would be curious to know why government officials involved in either program never asked to see today's papers Parnell's plant. Obama's Bill To Stimulate Nation By Arthur Delaney Under the fold, the WP assesses Bolivian President Saturday, February 14, 2009, at 5:38 AM ET Evo Morales as he enters his third year in office. The paper isn't all that impressed. They find that All the papers lead with the big news that Congress passed while Morales has made some big populist president Obama's $787 billion stimulus bill Friday night. The pushes—more rights for indigenous peoples, Washington Post says the bill's passage marks the beginning of a nationalizing oil production and expanding new ideological era with the federal government at the center of government payments to students and the the nation's economic recovery. The New York Times highlights elderly—his initiatives haven't done much to the bill's limits on executive compensation, which are stricter improve the lot of the average Bolivian. than those proposed recently by the Obama administration. The Wall Street Journal notes that Wall Street reacted to the "last The NYT fronts and the WP teases the revelation minute" restrictions with consternation. The Los Angeles Times that before Sen. Roland Burris, D-Ill., was leads with a sunny report that the stimulus will stimulate "almost appointed to President Barack Obama's old Senate every corner of American society." seat, former governor Rod Blagojevich's brother asked Burris to help Blagojevich raise campaign A front-page WP article says Congress went much further than funds. Burris declined to do any fundraising and no Obama wanted to go in limiting executive pay, and the NYT's one's charging him with wrong doing on that score. lead story says Senate Democrats actually did so over the The trouble is that this is now the third distinct administration's objections. Executives at all firms that have version of Burris' recollection of his contacts with benefited or will benefit from government funds will be allowed bonuses of only one-third the size of their salaries and only

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 95/116 available in company stock, and only redeemable after the The WP fronts a thoroughly reported postmortem on the government's investment has been repaid. The WSJ reports that postponed plan to move TV to all-digital broadcasts, calling the the rules are somewhat open to interpretation. effort a classic bureaucratic breakdown. The government's been planning this thing for more than 10 years, but partisanship and a The Times says the new restrictions amount to a "bad report lack of cooperation between federal agencies necessitated the card" from Congress for Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner for recently announced four-month delay over fears that the public failing to be tough on firms that have already received bailout is not sufficiently informed. cash. Critics of the new rules say they will cause a too-quick repayment of funds or else "brain drain"—top talent will flee to The presidents of France and the Czech Republic can't get along, hedge funds or foreign banks. according to the NYT. The childish spat between the former and current holders of the European Union's rotating presidency The WP provides some scene from yesterday's long session, imperils union's ability to respond effectively to the global which was punctuated by House Minority Leader John Boehner financial crisis. dropping the 1,071-page bill on the floor with a loud, angry thump and the climactic return of Sen. Sherrod Brown, who cast The WSJ's lighthearted story of the day is decidedly the decisive vote near 11 p.m. after attending a memorial unromantic—it's about former Los Angeles gang members viewing for his late mother in Ohio. receiving vocational training for "green collar" jobs while on parole. They're the beneficiaries of a nonprofit founded by a The LAT's lead story compares the bill to a "time-release Jesuit priest. capsule." Most Americans will see money in the form of increased take-home pay, while infrastructure provisions may Now this is more like it for Valetine's Day: The citizens of a yield fruit years from now. The Congressional Budget Office city in Mexico nearly took up arms after an ordinance banned says the bill will deliver most of its boost to the nation's GDP public displays of affection, according to the LAT. Folks staged before the end of this year and most job creation next year. A kissy-face protests all around town. The WP fronts an absolutely front-page WP story reports that the stimulus will pour $3.8 heartwarming story about a young boy whose twin brother died million into education and $1.6 billion into infrastructure of brain cancer. The boy has sought refuge in the kitchen; he projects in the Washington area. bakes and sells treats, then donates the proceeds to groups that helped his family when his brother was sick. Passing the stimulus has taught the president that bipartisanship isn't so easy, says the NYT. The day before the big vote, Obama brought a freshman House Republican aboard Air Force One for a visit to his district in Illinois. Despite the president's efforts, Rep. Aaron Schock stood up on the House floor yesterday to tv club urge his colleagues to vote nay. Obama aides say from now on the administration will go for regional Republican partnerships Friday Night Lights, Season 3 Week 5: A coach's theory of coaches' wives. rather than partywide cooperation. By Emily Bazelon, Meghan O'Rourke, and Hanna Rosin Monday, February 16, 2009, at 1:51 PM ET The NYT gives lots of space to yesterday's plane crash near Buffalo. The crew of the plane reported "significant ice buildup" on the wings and windshield minutes before the crash,the first fatal crash since 2006. The Times offers brief profiles of some of From: Hanna Rosin the passengers. To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 1: Mass Amnesia Strikes Dillon, Texas Posted Saturday, January 17, 2009, at 7:01 AM ET The WSJ fronts the foreclosure sale of Ben Bernanke's boyhood home in South Carolina. Its previous occupants (not the Bernankes, who sold the place more than 10 years ago) had fallen behind on mortgage payments. As anyone who has talked or e-mailed with me in the last couple of months knows, my obsession with Friday Night Lights has A murderous faction in Iraq is showing its artsy side, per a Page become sort of embarrassing. My husband, David, and I came to One NYT article. The Muqtada Sadr movement held an the show late, by way of Netflix, but were hooked after Episode exhibition of abstract art at a gallery Baghdad. The Times says 1. We started watching two, three, four in one sitting. It began to it's unknown whether the show is part of a "cynical ploy" or seem to me as if these characters were alive and moving around genuine change in strategy for the Sadr movement. Either way, in my world. say artists, it's a good thing.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 96/116 David was happy with the football. I was into the drama. I children of the show's upscale fans, is trying to go to college. worried about Smash, the sometimes-unstable star running back. The final, inspirational scene of the episode takes place in a I dreamed about Tyra, who was being stalked. When I talked to racquetball court. At least Smash has the good sense to note that my own daughter, I flipped my hair back, just as Coach's wife, it's the whitest sport in America. Tami Taylor, does and paused before delivering nuggets of wisdom. Once or twice, I even called David "Coach." That said, Friday Night Lights would have to do a lot to lose my loyalty. Just the fact that there was a high-drama plotline I was all set to watch Season 3 in real time when I heard, to my centered on the Jumbotron is enough to keep me happy. It's one horror, that it might not get made. But then NBC cut a weird of the show's great gifts, humor in unexpected places. Like when cost-sharing kind of deal with DirecTV, and the Dillon Panthers Tim's brother, looking half drunk as always, tells him Lyla will are back in business. The episodes have already aired on never respect him because he's a "rebound from Jesus." I'll give satellite, but I don't have a dish. So I'm just now settling in for this season a chance. the new season. Click here to read the next entry. But did I miss something? The field lights are on again in Dillon, Texas, but the whole town seems to be suffering from a massive bout of … amnesia. The previous season ended abruptly, after seven episodes got swallowed by the writer's strike. For Season 3, the writers just wipe the slate clean and start again. Murder? What murder? Landry is back to being the high-school sidekick, From: Emily Bazelon and we can just forget that whole unfortunate body-dragged-out- To: Hanna Rosin and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 1: Why Doesn't Tami Taylor Have Any Girlfriends? of-the-river detour. Tyra got a perm and is running for school Posted Monday, January 19, 2009, at 6:58 AM ET president. Lyla Garrity's preacher boyfriend, rival to Tim Riggins, has disappeared. Hey there, Hanna and Meghan, Over the last season, the show was struggling for an identity. It veered from The ABC Afterschool Special to CSI and then finally found its footing in the last couple of episodes, especially While we're complaining, isn't this the third year that some of the one where Peter Berg—who directed the movie adaptation of these characters—Tim, Lyla, Tyra—have been seniors? The Buzz Bissinger's book Friday Night Lights and adapted it for producers seemed to be dealing with this small lapse in planning TV—walked on as Tami Taylor's hyper ex-boyfriend. In Season by bringing on the soft lighting and lipstick. Tim looks ever 3, the show is trying on yet another identity. Mrs. Taylor has more like Matt Dillon in The Outsiders (not to sound like that suddenly turned into Principal Taylor. With her tight suits and thirtysomething mom who was shagging him in the first season). her fabulous hair, she is Dillon's own Michelle Rhee, holding meetings, discussing education policy, and generally working But I'm letting these objections go. I fell for this opener once too hard. Meanwhile, Coach keeps up the domestic front, Coach and Mrs. Coach had one of those moments that make making breakfast for Julie with one hand while feeding baby their marriage a flawed gem. Grace with the other. You're right, Hanna, that the Taylors seem more like a typical This strikes me as a little too close to home, and not in a way I two-career family as we watch Eric tending the baby while Tami appreciate. The beauty of Friday Night Lights is that it managed comes home at 9:45 at night, tired from her new job as principal. to make us care about the tiny town of Dillon. It drew us in with Also, her sermon about how broke the school is descended into football but then sunk us into town life. The show took lots of liberal pablum (real though it surely could be). But it's all a setup stock types not usually made for prime time—a car dealer, an for a sequence that makes this show a not-idealized, and thus arrogant black kid, an ex-star in a wheelchair, a grandma with actually useful, marriage primer. He tries to sweet-talk her. She dementia, a soldier, lots of evangelical Christians—and brought says, with tired affection, "Honey, you're just trying to get laid." them to life. It was neither sentimental nor mocking, which is a Then she realizes that he's signed off on a bad English teacher hard thing to pull off. for their daughter Julie and starts hollering at both of them. Oh, how I do love Tami for losing her temper, snapping at her Now I feel as if I'm looking in a mirror. Tami is a mom juggling teenager, and yelling loudly enough to wake her baby. And I work and kids and not doing such a good job. Coach is trying his love the writers for bringing it back around with a follow-up best at home but screwing up. The only town folk we see in the scene in which Mrs. Coach tells her husband she's sorry, and he first episode are Tim's brother and Tyra's sister, drunkenly says, "I could never be mad at my wife. It's that damn principal." falling all over each other in a bar—the sorriest, white-trashiest Way to compartmentalize. bar you can imagine. Our heart is with Tyra, who, just like the

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 97/116 Much as I appreciate Tami, I'm puzzled by a weird gap in her That's why, Emily, I don't find surly Matt Saracen annoying; I life: She doesn't have girlfriends. I know that her sister showed find him heartbreaking. After all, his surliness stems from up last season, but that doesn't really explain the absence of predicaments that he has no control over: a father in Iraq (how female friends. In fact, it's a pattern on the show: Julie's friend many TV shows bring that up?) and an ailing grandmother he Lois is more a prop than a character, Lyla never hangs out with doesn't want to relegate to a nursing home. Like many other girls, and although Tyra occasionally acts like a big sister Americans, he finds himself acting as a caretaker way too to Julie, she doesn't seem to have a close girlfriend, either. Does young. And because he's not wealthy, when his personal life gets this seem as strange to you as it does to me? In Lyla's case, I can complicated—like when his romance with his grandmother's see it—she often acts like the kind of girl other girls love to hate sexy at-home nurse, Carlotta, goes belly up—he loses it. (OK, I (and I look forward to dissecting why that's so). But Tami is the thought that story line was kinda lame; but I was moved by the kind of largehearted person whom other women would want to anger that followed.) But your point about the lack of female befriend. The lack of female friendships on the show has become friendships on the show is a great one. It's particularly true of like a missing tooth for me, especially when you consider the Tami. (We do get to see a reasonable amount of Julie and Tyra vivid and interesting male friendships (Matt and Landry, Tim together, I feel.) Like Julie, I had a principal for a mother, and and Jason, even Coach and Buddy Garrity). It's revealing in its one thing I always liked was watching all her friendships at the absence: No matter how good the show's writers are at school develop and evolve. portraying women—and they are—they're leaving out a key part of our lives. It's also true, Hanna, that the first episode of this season hammers homes its themes—Tami's an overworked principal A question for both of you: What do you think of the surly with a funding problem; Lyla and Riggins are gonna have version of Matt Saracen? I'm starting to feel about him as I felt at trouble taking their romance public; and star freshman the end of the fifth Harry Potter book: past ready for the nice boy quarterback J.D. is a threat to good old Matt Saracen. But for I thought I knew to come back. now I didn't mind, because there were plenty of moments of fine dialogue, which keep the show feeling alive. Like the scene in Emily which the amiable, manipulative Buddy hands Tami a check and says in his twangy drawl, "Ah've got two words for you: Jumbo … Tron!" (Tami, of course, has just been trying to meet a budget Click here to read the next entry. so tight that even chalk is at issue.) Later, at a party, Buddy greets Tami in front of some of the Dillon Panther boosters— who are oohing and aahing over an architectural rendering of the JumboTron—by exclaiming, "Tami Taylor is the brain child behind all this!" Ah, Buddy. You gotta love him. He's almost a From: Meghan O'Rourke caricature—but not. To: Emily Bazelon and Hanna Rosin Subject: Week 1: Why Matt Saracen Got Surly What keeps a lot of these characters from being caricatures, Posted Monday, January 19, 2009, at 12:33 PM ET despite plenty of conventional TV plot points, is that ultimately the show portrays them in the round. Coach Taylor, who has a way with young men that can seem too good to be true, is also Hanna, Emily, often angry and frustrated; caring and sensitive, Lyla is also sometimes an entitled priss; Tim is a fuckup with a heart of gold For me, the genius of Friday Night Lights is the way it captures (at least, at times); and the raw and exposed Julie can be a whiny the texture of everyday life by completely aestheticizing it. The brat. In this sense, ultimately, I think the story FNL is trying to handheld camera, the quick jump-cuts, the moody Explosions in tell is fundamentally responsible, unlike so many stories on TV. the Sky soundtrack laid over tracking shots of the flat, arid West When the characters make mistakes, they suffer real Texas landscape all add up to a feeling no other TV show gives consequences. Think of Smash losing his football scholarship. I me. And very few movies, for that matter. Then there's the fact sometimes think the weakest feature of our entertainment culture that FNL, more than any other show on network TV, tries hard is a kind of sentimentality about pain, if that makes sense—an to be about a real place and real people in America. This is no avoidance of the messiness of life that manifests itself in tidy Hollywood stage set; it's not a generic American city or suburb; morals and overdramatized melodramas. the characters aren't dealing with their problems against a backdrop of wealth, security, and Marc Jacobs ads. Most are But what could make FNL better? I'm hoping for more football struggling to get by, and at any moment the floor might drop out and atmosphere and fewer overwrought plotlines. Will the from under them. In this sense, the show is about a community, J.D./Matt Saracen face-off help this story, do you think? And, not about individuals. Football is an expression of that finally: Can the writers of the show figure out how to dramatize community. games without making them seem totally fake? It feels like so

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 98/116 often in the last five minutes of an episode we cut to a game- independent relationships outside their own families. Judd that's-in-its-final-minutes-and-oh-my-God-everyone-is- Apatow's women are a little like this, too. It's a male-centric biting-their-nails … view, and helps explain why a Hollywood director would be so in tune with the mores of a small conservative town. Meghan It's also why this season could get interesting. As the principal, Click here for the next entry. Tami is stretching the show in all kinds of ways. Buddy has shed his vulnerability and is back to being the town bully. Coach is stuck in the middle. All kinds of potential for drama.

From: Hanna Rosin To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 1: The Perfect Chaos of Tim Riggins' Living Room From: Emily Bazelon Posted Monday, January 19, 2009, at 3:59 PM ET To: Meghan O'Rourke and Hanna Rosin Subject: Week 2: Would You Let Your Kids Play for Coach Taylor? Posted Saturday, January 24, 2009, at 7:04 AM ET That's it, Meghan. What the Sopranos accomplished with tight thematic scripts and the Wire accomplished with a Shakespearean plot, FNL pulls off with moody music and some interesting camera work. It's not that these shows transform Meghan, thank you for reminding me of all the good reasons brutal realities into beauty. They just make them bearable by why Matt Saracen is a heartbreaking nice boy rather than a feel- packaging them in some coherent aesthetic way that calls good one. And now Episode 2 reminds us as well. Matt's attention to itself. And the result is very moving. grandmother doesn't want to take her medication, and the only way he can make her is to become an emancipated minor so that he can be her legal guardian, instead of the other way around. The inside of Tim Riggins' house, for example, is a place that And then what exactly happens when it's time for him to go to should never be shown on television. It's a total mess, and not in college? No good answer. As, indeed, there wouldn't be. an artsy Urban Outfitter's catalogue kind of way. There's that bent-up picture of a bikini beer girl by the television and yesterday's dishes and napkins on every surface and nothing in One of the luxuries of adolescence is that you don't have to the refrigerator except beer. This is a very depressing state of assume responsibility for the people in your family. Matt knows affairs for a high school kid if you stop to think about it. But what it means to take this on. In the first season, he let Julie see whenever we're in there, the camera jerks around from couch to him pretend to be his grandfather so he could sing his stool to kitchen, in perfect harmony with the chaos around it. So grandmother to sleep. Now when she asks whether emancipation it all feels comfortable and we experience it just the way Riggins means that he gets to "vote and drink and smoke," he brings her would—another day in a moody life. down to earth: "No, it means I get to take care of old people."

I think part of the reason Peter Berg doesn't see these characters This is one of the moments that, for me, capture the strength of from such a distance is that he seems deeply sympathetic to their this show: In Dillon, kids with hard lives and kids with easier outlook on life, particularly their ideas about the traditional roles ones get a good look at each other, which doesn't happen all that of men and women. The men are always being put through tests much in our nation's class-segregated high schools. Lyla, Tim, of their own manhood and decency. The boys have Coach, but and Tyra had one of those across-the-class-divide moments in hardly any of them has an actual father, so they are pushed into this episode, when Lyla tried to get Tim to help himself with his manhood on their own. Almost all of them have to be head of a college prospects at a fancy dinner and failed. Tim then came household before their time, with interesting results. Matt is home and sat down in boxers to TV and a beer with Tyra while decent but can't fill the shoes. Riggins is noble but erratic. Smash his brother and her sister snuck in a quickie (off-camera in the is dutiful but explosive. bedroom).

Emily, that insight you had about Tami is so interesting, and it I was glad to see that the writers are back to making Tyra and made me see the whole show differently. At first I thought Peter Tim and their weary, beery sense of their own limitations the Berg must love women, because they drive all the action and center of our sympathy. Maybe Tyra will make it out of Dillon, make all the good decisions. Then, after what you said, I realized but not by acting like the Zeta girls in The House Bunny. And it that for the most part, the women exist only to support the men. seems entirely in keeping with Tim's fragile nature that Buddy They are wives or girlfriends or mothers but don't have many Garrity could destroy his confidence with a few slashing

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 99/116 sentences. Speaking of, one of the honest and realistic the driving theme of the show. On the field, class, race, and all assumptions of this show is that when teenagers date, they have the soul-draining realities of life in a small Texas town get sex. So I gave Buddy points when he warned his daughter away benched. But off the field, you can have clear eyes and a full from Tim in a speech that ended with "Lyla, are you using heart and still lose. protection?" Despite their best efforts, Matt, Tyra, and Tim just can't seem to But enough about character development. Let's talk about some transcend. Instead of gender differences, what's emerging football. I entirely agree, Meghan, that FNL generally gives us strongly this season is, as Emily points out, class differences. All too little gridiron, not too much. But in this episode, there is a the couples in the show are divided along class lines, setting up lovely sequence on the field. Coach Taylor is testing Smash lots of potential for good drama. There's Tyra and Landry, Lyla before a college tryout, and the former Panther star is cutting and and Tim, and possibly Julie and Matt again. Emily, you pointed weaving just like old times—until Tim levels him. We hear the out that great moment in the car where Julie and Matt have such crack and thud of the hit, and, for a moment, Smash lies heavy different ideas about what the future holds. Buddy gives us and still on the ground. In this show, when a player goes down, another such moment, when he lectures Lyla about dating Tim: the dots connect to the paralyzing hit that put Jason Street in a "Tim Riggins going to college is like me teaching yoga classes." wheelchair. But Smash gets up, his rehabilitated knee sound, and (I'm having trouble getting that image out of my mind, of Buddy it's a moment of blessed relief, because now we can go on Garrity teaching yoga classes. Buddy in downward facing dog. rooting for him to regain his chance to … play in college and Buddy ohm-ing. Buddy saying "namaste" to his ex-wife in a turn pro? To write the sentence is to remember how long the spirit of love and peace.) odds are for such an outcome and to rue the role that the dangled dream of professional sports ends up playing for a lot of kids. Then, of course, there's the absolutely awful moment when Tim orders squab, rare, at the dinner with the new freshman Given Jason's broken spine, you can't accuse Friday Night Lights quarterback J.D.'s posh Texas socialite family. This was of pretending otherwise. But what do we think about the way its reminiscent of one of my favorite scenes in The Wire, when best characters revel in the game and make us love it, too? I ask Bunny Colvin takes Namond and the other kids out to a fancy myself the same question when I watch football with my sons restaurant, after which they feel ever more alienated from their knowing that I'd never let them play it. In the nonfiction book on better selves. which the show is based, author Buzz Bissinger writes of a player who wasn't examined thoroughly after a groin injury: "He I have high hopes for J.D. in this regard. He turns the Dillon lost the testicle but he did make All-State." There are also kids Panthers formula on its head. His father is hellbent on mucking who play through broken arms, broken ankles, and broken hands up the field with privilege and influence. He's a serious test for and who pop painkillers or Valium. Across the country, high- Coach and for Matt. Can't wait to see what happens. school football is also associated with a frightening rate of concussions. Would you let Coach Taylor anywhere near your One question, though: Does it seem right to you that Tim boys? Riggins would use the word schmooze? Seemed out of place to me. (Ditto their conversations about Google.) It's not that I think he's "retarded," as he puts it. It's just that until now, the show has been intentionally claustrophobic, locking us in the town, never letting us see what's on Tim's TV (unlike, say, Tony Soprano, whose TV is always facing us). So we've been led to believe that From: Hanna Rosin To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Dillon reception doesn't pick up the CW or VH1 or any other Subject: Week 2: The Indelible Image of Buddy Garrity Doing Yoga channel that might infect teenage lingo. Posted Monday, January 26, 2009, at 6:31 AM ET

Indeed, Emily. It's a hallelujah moment when we're back to Tim, Tyra, Matt, the lovable, evil Buddy, and all the other things I From: Meghan O'Rourke To: Hanna Rosin and Emily Bazelon treasure about FNL. This episode made me very hopeful about Subject: Week 2: Is the Show Becoming Too Sentimental? the rest of the season. I especially liked the Smash subplot and Posted Monday, January 26, 2009, at 3:19 PM ET how it ties together what happens on the field with what happens off. Smash, who graduated but lost his college scholarship, is having a hard time remembering how to be Smash. Without the Hanna, Emily, Dillon Panthers, he's just a kid in an Alamo Freeze hat who goes home every night to his mom. And that just about summarizes

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 100/116 One thing I've been thinking about is Friday Night Lights' made a quarter-turn to focus largely on male honor as it pertains distinctive brand of male sentimentality. This show seems to women. (Even wayward Tim Riggins has been domesticated.) singularly designed to make men cry. Its lodestars are comradeship on and off the field ("God, football, and Texas In this regard, the show is far more incantatory than realistic (to forever," I recall Riggins toasting with Jason Street in the very borrow Susan Sontag's labels for the two main types of art). That first episode); a modern blend of paradoxically stoic is, it trades on magic and ritual more than on gritty realism, even emotionalism (epitomized by Coach Taylor); and a recurrent, while it often pretends to be grittily realistic. And so while it choked-up love of the tough women who make these men's does talk about class, unlike many network TV shows, and while attachment to football possible. This may be the West, but in it does portray a place that's geographically specific, as I Dillon, Texas, John Ford's American masculinity has been mentioned in my last entry, it's also offering up a highly stylized diluted with a cup of New Man sensitivity. story that is intended, I think, to serve as an emotional catharsis for men, while winning women over by showing that men really Take this episode's key scene between Matt Saracen and his do have feelings, and it's going to translate them into a grammar grandmother: Debating whether to take his ailing grandmother to we can begin to understand. an assisted-living home, Matt is shaken when she suddenly tells him how great he was in his last game. She spirals into loving I like this episode, but it strikes me that we've come a long way reminiscence: from season one, when there was a bit more edge on things. (Remember how it almost seemed that Riggins was racist?) "You've always loved football, Matty. I remember when you were two years old you And we're definitely a long way from Buzz Bissinger's book were trying to throw a football, and it was Friday Night Lights, on which the series and the movie are bigger than you were. And you were such a based. That book—so far, at least; I'm only 150 pages in—has sweet baby, such a sweet, sweet baby. But plenty of sentimentality about the power of athletic glory to here you are all grown up and taking care of alleviate the mundanity of life off the field. But it also stresses everything. I don't know what I'd do without the meanness and nastiness that fuels the talent of so many of the you. I don't know. Matthew, I love you." actual Panthers Bissinger met. Not to mention the racism that pervaded the town. On this show, we rarely see that meanness; "I know. I love you too, Grandma." Riggins used to embody it, but now he's a pussycat, trying on blazers to keep Lyla happy. On the field, it's the team's pure- "You're such a good boy." hearted sportsmanship that makes it so lovable, not any player's manly violence. After all, their locker-room mantra is "Clear eyes, full hearts can't lose." And in Matt Saracen they had a "If I am, it's only because you raised me." scrappy quarterback underdog who really wanted to be an artist. Even J.D. is small and—can't you see it in those wide eyes?— The scene is very well-played—we haven't talked much about supersensitive. the show's acting yet, it suddenly occurs to me—replete with pauses and tears and a final hug between the two. But the I love FNL, but sometimes I wonder: Is the show becoming emotion derives from a move in the script that occurs again and simply too sentimental about its characters? again in this series: A man is having a difficult time when his mother, his grandmother, or his wife describes how much it means to her that he is taking care of her, or accomplishing Meghan brilliant things on the field, or just plain persevering. Smash has had moments like this with his mom. Coach has moments like this with Tami. And here Matt is reminded of his duty—to take care of his grandma, even though he's 17—when she speaks about his masculine prowess, first as a tough little boy throwing a ball "bigger than you were" and now as a tough teenager trying From: Emily Bazelon To: Hanna Rosin and Meghan O'Rourke to navigate another task much bigger than he is. Subject: Week 2: Where in Tarnation Is Jason Street? Posted Monday, January 26, 2009, at 6:06 PM ET Friday Night Lights has gotten more sentimental over the years, I think, not less, and it has also embraced its women characters more than ever. (I'm not sure I think they really play second You're right, Meghan, to call FNL on its spreading dollop of fiddle to the men, Hanna—though they once did.) The show is sentimentality. Doesn't this often happen with TV shows in later about relationships now; its investigation of male honor has seasons? I'm thinking of The Wire (at least Season 5), and probably The Sopranos, too. You can see why the writers would

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 101/116 be pulled in this direction. The friction of the initial plot line has she timidly says "We don't have to talk about football… or not." been played out. As the writers—and the audience—get to know There's football. Again with the game being decided in a close the characters better, do we inevitably want them to become call in the last 20 seconds? better people? Even if that comes at the price of narrative tension and edge? Plus, Tami finally has a friend. Or does she? At the butcher counter of the supermarket, she's befriended by Katie McCoy, The best way out of the mush pit, I suppose, is to introduce new J.D.'s mother, wife of Joe—the man I love to hate. (I think I'd characters, who in turn introduce new friction. That's what J.D. watch this season just for the catharsis of watching Coach Taylor is all about this season. If you're right that there's a puppy dog stick it to Joe. Kyle Chandler is brilliant in these scenes—check lurking behind his wide eyes, then the show is in trouble. On the out the way the small muscles around his eyes and mouth move.) other hand, if he's merely a two-dimensional touchdown- It's not clear whether Katie is working Tami just as Joe has been throwing automaton, that's going to be awfully pat—the Matt vs. trying to work Eric, plying him with scotch and cigars to no J.D. contest will be good, humble working-class vs. evil, proud, avail. Eric takes the cynical view; he thinks Tami's being and rich. I hope we get something more interesting than that. "played." Tami protests. Hanna, Emily, I wonder what you two think—is this a friendship in the bud, or a cynical play for In the meantime, a complaint from me that I see a reader in "the power? Fray" shares: Why does this show keep flunking TV Drama 101 by tossing characters without explanation? First Waverly, In either case, what's interesting to me is that it does seem more Smash's bipolar girlfriend, disappears. Now Jason Street, whom plausible for Tami and Katie to develop a friendship than for Joe we last saw begging an appealing waitress to have his baby after and Eric to. As unalike as they are, Tami and Katie have a one-night stand, is AWOL. What gives? Will Jason show up something to offer each other. The women may be divided by later this season, child in hand? class, but they connect subtly and intuitively, it seems, over understanding just how the other has to negotiate delicately One more thing for this week: Another Frayster who says he (I around her husband to get what she wants for herself and her think he) wrote for the show in the first season reports that Tami kids. As different as these marriages are, this, at least, seems initially did have a girlfriend, played by Maggie Wheeler. But alike. Even Tami, who has so much authority with Eric, has to she got cut. More here. And more from us next week. push back in all sorts of ways. Take their argument about the football team's barbecue. It reminded me how new Tami's life as a working mom is: She complains to Eric about the team coming into the house and "messing up my floors" and "clogging up my toilet." That my is so telling. The long shadow of domesticated female identity falls over it. … Or am I reading too much into it? From: Meghan O'Rourke To: Hanna Rosin and Emily Bazelon Finally, I was struck by how many scenes in this episode take Subject: Week 3: The Small Muscles Around Kyle Chandler's Eyes and Mouth place between two people. The party scene, the football game, Posted Saturday, January 31, 2009, at 6:45 AM ET and the fabulous, cringe-inducing scene when Lyla laughs at Mindy for using Finding Nemo as a bridal vow are exceptions, of course. But otherwise the show takes place in dyads, as if homing in on relationships rather than community as a whole. I I'm glad that you pulled out that comment from the "Fray," wonder if this will extend through the show. Emily. I've wondered the same thing about why the show so baldly ditches characters. Another one to add to the list: Landry's Curious to hear your thoughts. nerd-cool girlfriend. Whatever happened to her? Meanwhile, we know from entertainment news that the actors who play Street Meghan (Scott Porter) and Smash (played by Gaius Charles Williams) are going to leave the show, but I presume the writers will stage their exits with more grace.

At last, though, the season is swinging into gear. There's conflict. Tami and Eric's strong bond is fraying under the From: Emily Bazelon pressure of balancing work and home. He: "You know who I To: Hanna Rosin and Meghan O'Rourke miss? The coach's wife." She: "You know who I'd like to meet? Subject: Week 3: Deciphering the Bronzed Diaper The principal's husband." There's love. How sweet are Matt Posted Monday, February 2, 2009, at 7:18 AM ET Saracen and Julie? Somehow their romance got more real this time around. I find her much less annoying and more credible in her big-eyed, pouting awkwardness. E.g., that moment where

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 102/116 Yes, Meghan, Tami is being played by Katie McCoy. In part From: Hanna Rosin To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke because she wants to be. I found their pairing off all too Subject: Week 3: Malcolm Gladwell Comes to Dillon recognizable: They have that spark two women get when they Posted Monday, February 2, 2009, at 11:01 AM ET see something in each other that they want and don't have. Their friendship, or maybe it will prove an infatuation, is a trying-on of identity. So, yes, Katie is using Tami to entrench her son's I read the relationship between Tami and Katie differently. Katie status on the team and to show off her wealth. And Tami refuses is obviously awful, with her blather about the Atkins diet and to notice, because it suits her purposes not to. A party at Katie's being a "connector." She is obviously playing Tami, as much for house means no clogged toilets at Tami's (and, oh yes, that my her husband's sake as for her own. And the fact that Tami doesn't rang in my ears, too). I particularly loved the moment when see this is a sign that her judgment is off. Until this season, Tami Tami enters Katie's glittering, ostentatious house and her new has been the moral compass for her family and for the show. But friend and hostess puts an arm around her waist and they sail off now she's distracted. She's cutting corners, ducking out of her together into the living room in their evening dresses, husbands domestic responsibilities. She's worried about those clogged trailing after them. It captured exactly how women are made toilets, because her cup is full, and she can't handle one more girlish by mutual crushes. thing.

Tami's falling for Katie would be harmless enough if it weren't I empathize. When I'm in that too-much-work-too-many-kids- clashing with her husband's interests. It's that willingness to mode, I, too, lose it over minor housekeeping infractions. But it clash that's new, isn't it? And captured so well by that great does not bode well for Dillon. When Tami is off, so is exchange you quoted. The Taylors haven't just become a two- everything else. I read this episode as not so much about career couple. They're a couple with jobs that are at loggerheads. friendship, expedient or otherwise, as about missed connections. Tami is not picking up on Katie's cues. Lyla can't connect with The Tami-Katie spark was connected, for me, with the Lyla- Mindy and Billy. Tim Riggins does not make it on time to meet Mindy debacle, in part because both of these dyads cut across his date. And Saracen doesn't quite get that touchdown. The class, a theme we've been discussing. Tami and Katie are center is not holding in Dillon. flirtingly using each other; Lyla and Mindy miss each other completely, in a way that causes real pain. How could Lyla have In David Simon's scripts for The Wire, money always crushes laughed at those poor, sweet Finding Nemo wedding vows? I love, loyalty, family, neighborhood, and everything in its path. mean, really. Then again, Lyla is completely out of her element, Something like that is going on here. Money is wreaking havoc sitting there with two sisters and a mother who present a fiercely in Dillon: the boosters' money for the JumboTron, the McCoy united front, at least to other people. Maybe she was nervous and money, those copper wires that are hypnotizing Billy and blew it. Or maybe she wanted to hurt them because she envies making him corrupt poor Tim. (In The Wire, Bubs was always their sisterhood. hunting down copper.) The result is the closing scene, which shows the very un-neighborly Dillon ritual of planting "for sale" And now a few questions, for you and for our readers. What signs on the coach's lawn after he loses the game. happened at the end of that football game? Did Matt really fumble, or did he get a bad call—after all, it looked to me like he I don't know what will triumph in the end: money or love. was in the end zone with control of the ball before he was hit. Emily, I couldn't tell either whether J.D. was pissed or chagrined And was the pounding Matt took during the game just the show's or ironic in that last scene, so I can't tell if he's our villain or just latest realist depiction of the perils of football, or were we a victim of his overbearing father. I'll bet on one thing though: supposed to suspect that J.D.'s father had somehow induced the Things do not end well for Billy Riggins. other team to take out QB 1? (I'm probably being paranoid, but the camera work had a sinister element to it.) Last thing: When J.D. catches Matt and Julie making fun of his trophies and comes back with that too-perfect zinger about how his parents also bronzed his diapers, is he just trying to make them feel small and stupid? Or is he also distancing himself from his parents and From: Meghan O'Rourke To: Emily Bazelon and Hanna Rosin their pushy football worship? I couldn't quite decide how to read Subject: Week 3: Helicopter Parenting him in that moment. Posted Monday, February 2, 2009, at 4:05 PM ET

Hanna, Emily,

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 103/116 I thought J.D. was trying to make a joke that didn't come off. It's Tami shows up in a fetching sunset-colored tank with her my guess, too, that we're not supposed to be able to read his fabulous hair down. The superintendent is friendly enough but reaction, because he's not sure himself. He's angry, but he also not overly so, and Tami pushes her luck. She scooches into his sees the ridiculousness of his parents' shrine to him. One thing booth and immediately starts hammering him about having all we haven't discussed: With the McCoys comes the FNL's first the "information" and being "understaffed" and drill, drill, drill. depiction of that modern affliction known as helicopter This is not the giggly seduction scene Katie was hinting at. The parenting. I suppose, to be accurate, that Joe is actually a more whole exchange goes south quickly, and a few scenes later, the specific type: a form of stage parent, the obsessed parent-coach. new JumboTron is announced. My husband and I had a very Here is a parent who is helping drive his son into developing his Venus/Mars moment over this scene. David says the talents but who also just might drive him crazy by pushing too superintendent was against her from the start. I say he was just hard. friendly enough that she could have turned him if she'd played it exactly right. But I can't be annoyed at her, because playing it This introduces a new theme for FNL, right? Until now, over- right—Katie McCoy's way—would have meant smiling coyly involvement wasn't a problem for any of the parents on the and batting her eyelashes in a very un-Tami fashion. show. In fact, the parenting problems all had to do with moms and dads who were notably absent (in the case of Matt and Tim, David, meanwhile, choked up at a scene that played out exactly say). Tami and Eric are attentive parents. So is Smash's mom. the opposite way. Eric brings Smash to a big Texas university But you couldn't call them helicopter parents, that breed of for a walk-on, but then the coach there says he doesn't have time nervously hovering perfectionists who busily cram their to see him that day. Eric plays it perfectly. He finds just the right children's schedules with activities and lessons. In this case, that words to win over the coach and just the right words to send finicky sense of entitlement projected by Joe is associated, we're Smash soaring onto the field. David was so moved by the speech meant to feel, with his wealth, to get back to what you brought aimed at Smash that he watched it two more times. up, Hanna, about money and love. Katie, too. I'm curious to know how far the sports parenting issues will go. Is J.D. going to In a show that so highly values male honor, being a "molder of crack up? Or is Joe creating a sports equivalent of Mozart with men" is a serious compliment. Actual fatherhood in this show is all his proud pushing? I suspect the first, mainly because Joe is secondary to the art of shaping a fine young man. We get a portrayed as such a jerk. (This dilemma might be more glimpse into the fragile nature of male bonding when Eric asks interesting if the writers had let Joe be a more complex figure— J.D. to say something about himself, and J.D. comes up with but maybe the whole point is these types are caricatures, almost.) résumé boilerplate—"I set goals and I achieve them"—making it hard for Eric to connect. Meghan It's a delicate process, and also one that traditionally excludes women. When, last season, Julie tried to make her young smarmy English teacher into a mentor, Tami almost accused him of statutory rape. You are right, Meghan, that the women are quickly domesticating the men on this show. But that dynamic is From: Hanna Rosin not buying them any more freedom. As principal, Tami can't To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 4: Eric Taylor, Molder of Men find her bearings. She still seems herself only in that moment Posted Saturday, February 7, 2009, at 7:11 AM ET when she's in the bar with Eric, telling him he's a molder of men and how sexy she finds that. To which he responds: "I'll tell you what. I'll have to ruminate on that a bit longer, because you find This opening comment is aimed more at the producers of Friday it so damned sexy." Night Lights than at both of you: Tami is a stabilizing force in this crazy world, and there is only so much more of her fumbling I want more for Tami, but in that moment I can't help but feel and humiliation I can take. This episode ruminates on the ancient that some kind of order is restored. male art of mentoring, and particularly being a "molder of men," as Tami puts it to her husband. Tami tries to access this secret A question for both of you: Are you buying Matt Saracen's mom world with disastrous results. She knows that Buddy Garrity just as a character? She seems so improbable to me. played golf with the superintendent of schools, who is making the final decision on what to do with the JumboTron money. So on the advice of the wily Katie McCoy, she finds out where the superintendent has breakfast and pays a visit. "Wear your hair down," Katie tells her. "Wear it down." From: Emily Bazelon To: Meghan O'Rourke and Hanna Rosin

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 104/116 Subject: Week 4: What's the Deal With Saracen's Mom? frustration: The writers seem to have settled back into portraying Posted Monday, February 9, 2009, at 6:52 AM ET J.D. as robotic and empty-headed, the boy with Xbox between his ears.

I'm on Mars with David: I think the superintendent was dead set Matt, by too-obvious contrast, is ever the thoughtful, winsome against Tami, too. The battle over the JumboTron is a fight she struggler. You're right, Hanna, that his mother is a shouldn't have picked—not as a new principal who clearly has disappointment. I was happy to meet Shelby because she's no political capital, because it's a fight she couldn't win. There's played by one of my favorite actresses from Deadwood. But I a practical reason for this that in my mind blurs her moral claim don't believe in her character, either. Where's the sordid here: The donors gave earmarked funds, whatever Tami's underbelly—the lack of caring, or mental illness, or selfishness technical authority to ignore their wishes. And there's also, of that would help us understand why she left her child? Knowing course, the larger metaphorical meaning of the JumboTron: that Matt's dad is a jerk only makes her act of abandonment less Dillon is about football first. In Friday Night Lights the book, explicable. And so I'm waiting for the bitter reality check: I was this primacy makes itself similarly felt. The real school that's a ready for Shelby to start to disappoint by not showing up as model for Dillon High spends more on medical supplies for promised to take Matt's grandmother to the doctor. But there she football players than on teaching supplies for English teachers. was, right on time. I don't buy the pat self-redemption, and I And the head of the English department makes two-thirds the hope the show goes deeper and darker. salary of the football coach, who also gets the free use of a new car.

Hopeless as Tami's plea is, Katie coaxes her to try by instructing that "nobody likes an angry woman." It's Tami's anger that's making her fumble and bumble. That's hard for us to watch,I From: Meghan O'Rourke think, because it brings up a lot of baggage about women in To: Emily Bazelon and Hanna Rosin Subject: Week 4: Can a Boy Who Doesn't Eat Chicken-Fried Steak Really Be authority being seen as bitches. Tami remembers Katie's words QB1? and tells the superintendent, "I'm not angry," but her voice is full Posted Monday, February 9, 2009, at 12:28 PM ET of righteous indignation, so he can't hear her.

Before my inner feminist erupted, however, I reminded myself that Tami was to blame, too, for playing the politics wrong. She After reading your entries, Hanna and Emily, I am left with a blew her honeymoon on a lost cause. (Here's hoping Obama big, unanswerable question many others have asked before: Why doesn't make the same rookie mistake.) That's why it rings false is this show not more popular? It's smart and sharp. Yet it's also when Eric tells her that she was right, unconvincingly extremely watchable. (In contrast, say, to The Wire, another contradicting himself from a couple of episodes ago. critical darling that never quite made it to the big time. That show required a lot more of the viewer than Friday Night Lights I don't share your despair, though, because Tami is already does.) Over the past two seasons in particular, FNL has made an bouncing back. She used the JumboTron announcement to do effort to reach out to both male and female viewers: It may what she should have done from the get go: co-opt Buddy address male honor and epitomize modern male sentimentality, Garrity into raising the kind of money she needs by making him as you and I have both mentioned, Hanna. But it also offers up a host a silent auction for the school at his car dealership. You buffet of romantic conflict that ought to sate the appetite of the can't beat Dillon's football fat cats if you're Tami. You have to most stereotypically girly viewer. A good chunk of the show is join them. about teenage amour, bad cafeteria food, and cute boys, for God's sake! Just see the Tyra-Cash-Landry love triangle this Meanwhile, even as Eric is being valorized in this episode—that week. lingering shot of the "Coach Eric Taylor" sign on his door was for anyone who missed the theme—he doesn't entirely live up to Does the mere mention of football turn viewers away? Is the his billing. Yes, he gets big points for getting Smash to college. show trying to be all things to all people—and failing in the (Since I am still caught up in the glory of last Sunday's Super process? Or has NBC just flubbed it by scheduling it on Friday Bowl—how about that game!—I'm feeling kindlier toward the nights? I have another theory, but there's absolutely no evidence idea of Smash playing college ball, though I reserve the right to for it. Sometimes I think FNL hasn't reached a huge audience come to my senses and start worrying about his brain getting because it doesn't appeal to the ironic hipster sensibility that battered.) But what is Eric thinking by dividing quarterback turns shows like Summer Heights High or Flight of the duties between Matt and J.D., and running a different offense for Conchords into word-of-mouth hits—it's too earnest to ignite each? It's baby-splitting, and it bodes badly. I'm betting against that YouTube viral transmission. Anyway, I'm curious to know the Panthers in the next game. Related point of ongoing what you (and our readers) think, because in general it seems to

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 105/116 me that good TV has a way of making itself known and getting least. watched. Curious to hear your thoughts … Back to our regularly scheduled programming: Yes, Hanna, I find Matt's mom too good to be true. And the writers seem to Meghan know it, because they are hardly even trying to give her interesting lines. She's like a relentless optimist's idea of a deadbeat mom. And, Emily, I agree with you about Tami: She flubbed the JumboTron wars by choosing to wage the wrong skirmish in the larger battle. Those were earmarked funds. She's got to figure out a way to guilt the boosters into giving her From: Hanna Rosin money; she can't just demand it. To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 4: I'll Take the Brooding Drunk Over the Sweet-Talking Pill- Popper Meanwhile, I find myself in agreement with Mindy for once: Posted Monday, February 9, 2009, at 5:56 PM ET That Cash sure is a fine lookin' cowboy. In this episode, Tyra's a kind of parallel to Tami: Both are struggling and making some bad decisions. In Tyra's case, it's ditching geeky sweetheart Meghan, I agree with your wild-card theory. I've always thought Landry—who clearly adores her—after his dental surgery in the show doesn't touch a nerve because it's too straightforwardly order to make out with Cash, a bad boy with big blue eyes and a sentimental. Or, at least, it's a strange hybrid of sentimental and love-me attitude. Cash doesn't wear his heart on his Western sophisticated. The themes are not so different from middlebrow shirt sleeve as Landry does; he wears his charm, whirling into dreck like, say, Touched by an Angel—honor, heart, the power town with the rodeo and impressing the audience with his of inspiration, staying optimistic in the face of bad odds. The staying power in the prestigious bronc event. (Rodeo neophytes: show is hardly ever knowing. Hannah Montana is also a TV Check out the wonderful chapter about it in Gretel Ehrlich's The teenager, but she would be an alien dropped into this version of Solace of Open Spaces, a stunning meditation on the West.) America. And when the show goes dark, it's on Oprah's themes—missing fathers, serious illness, divorce. Yet, there is Tyra falls hard for Cash's routine. "Billy never mentioned that something about the show that transmits "art" and makes it Mindy's little sister turned into a goddess," he whispers to her at inaccessible. It's not tidy, for example, either in its camerawork the bar. Cash is an archetype, but the writers sketch him well, or the way it closes its themes. It insists on complicating its refusing to let him seem too obviously dangerous. Even I fell heroes and villains, as we've discussed, which is why we like it. victim to his spell, wondering fruitlessly whether—this time!— the bad boy might be tamed. If we need a warning that he won't, I think, it comes in the barbecue scene at Tyra's house. Billy I demurely disagree about Cash, however. He's an archetype, but Riggins—an old friend of Cash's—is recalling what a good one that Brokeback Mountain has ruined for me forever. To me, baseball player Cash was in high school. Cash laughs it off, turns Cash just screams male stripper—the name alone conjures up to Tyra, and, with a devil-may-care drawl, says, "Baseball's too visions of dollars tucked in briefs. I did not fail to notice that the slow and boring … right now I like to ride broncs in the rodeo. episode pretty much ditched Tim Riggins, as if there were only Yee-haw!" Like any good come-on line, the charge is all in the room for one male hottie at a time. And I'll take the brooding delivery, and it works on Tyra. But (just like Tami) she's drunk over the sweet-talking pill-popper any day. misreading the politics of the situation—in this case, the sexual politics. Right? On an unrelated note, anyone notice how much actual cash is floating around Dillon? Lets start a running list of the items the Meanwhile, Emily, I don't think I agree that Taylor's embracing good citizens of a real Dillon could probably never afford. I'll the spread offense is a form of baby-splitting. It seems start: pragmatic, if perhaps a little softhearted. But how can Eric not be softhearted about Matt? He is so winsome, and he's worked 1. Lyla's wardrobe his ass off. The other thing is that J.D. is such a wuss, still. Part 2. Julie's wardrobe of being a quarterback, on this show, is being a leader—and how 3. Tami's fabulous hair can J.D. be a leader when he's still a follower? He's not even 4. The McCoy house, located in Dillon's fashionable rebellious enough to eat fried food, for Christ's sake. ("My dad McMansion district won't let me," he says.) How's being Daddy's Little Boy going to 5. Landry's 15" Mac laptop (with wifi hookup) inspire his teammates? J.D. may have the skills but is going to 6. Landry's electric guitar and amp have to get some gumption before he takes this team as far as it can go.

Though, yeah, it'll probably go wrong. For the sake of drama, at

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 106/116 As I muttered curses at Coach Taylor, my husband reminded me From: Meghan O'Rourke that players don't have a right to their spots. J.D. has the magic To: Emily Bazelon and Hanna Rosin Subject: Week 4: Dillon's McMansion District Located! arm. Matt just has heart and a work ethic. State championship or Posted Tuesday, February 10, 2009, at 10:30 AM ET not, he's been revealed as the kid who only made QB 1 because of Jason Street's accident. Matt sees it this way himself: He tells Shelby as much in a later scene. What kills me about this Hanna, narrative is that it's too harsh. Matt has been a smart, clutch quarterback. And yet his self-doubt is inevitable. By stripping Well, if I had to choose between Tim Riggins and Cash, I'd go Matt of his leadership role in the middle of his senior year, for the brooding drunk, too. In any case, your Brokeback Coach has called into question the whole arc of Matt's rise. Mountain reference has shamed me out of my crush. I always (Even as Coach knows as well as we do that this is a kid who's fall too easily for the glib talkers. got no one to help see him through the disappointment.) Ann,I love your points about Eric and Tami over on XX Factor, but Meanwhile, though, it looks like Dillon's real-life counterpart though Eric is prepared to lose the JumboTron fight, he sure isn't does have a McMansion district. Welcome to the McCoy home. prepared to risk his season. Or, more accurately perhaps, the It even has a hobby room for his trophies. Wrath of the Boosters that would come with benching J.D., win or lose. Meghan The big question now is whether Matt has lost his job for good or whether there's a cinematic comeback in his future. The realistic plot line would be for J.D. to succeed at QB 1—or succeed well enough to keep the job. That would make Matt's story that much more painful but also pretty singular. I am trying From: Emily Bazelon to think of a sports icon from movie or TV who falls and stays To: Hanna Rosin and Meghan O'Rourke fallen so that the drama isn't about redemption on the field but Subject: Week 5: It's Official—Matt Saracen Has Broken My Heart the quotidian small moments of going on with life. The Wrestler Posted Saturday, February 14, 2009, at 6:51 AM ET might be such a movie, though I doubt a grown up Matt Saracen will have much in common with Randy "The Ram" Robinson. At least I hope not. A parlor game: Who are these FNL teenagers going to be when they grow up, if the show's ratings were ever Smart mail from a reader named Josh about FNL's popularity, or to let them? Does Tim stop drinking long enough to open his lack thereof: He points out that the show got not a single ad spot own construction company? (He's got Buddy's sales line down, during the Super Bowl, when NBC had a captive audience of anyway.) Does Lyla leave Dillon for college and become a radio many millions of football fans. If you're right, Meghan and host? And what about Matt, whom I mostly picture as a gentle Hanna, that on-screen complexity and the taking of hard lumps father throwing a football to his own boys? explain why FNL hasn't found a mass audience, then the character who is most to blame is Matt Saracen. Watching him If I'm being sentimental—and I realize I'm so absorbed by Matt's in this last episode nearly broke my heart. The QB baby-splitting troubles that I've ignored Julie's tattoo and the four stooges' went poorly, as threatened. Dillon won the game, but barely, and house-buying—the show this time isn't. After Eric's visit, we see when Matt walks off the field and the world around him goes Matt and Landry pulling up to school in the morning, just as they silent, as if he were underwater, we know that he's done. did when they were sophomore losers in the beginning of the first season. Matt looks out his window and sees J.D. Landry Coach Taylor drives to Matt's house (plenty of peeling paint looks out and sees Tyra with Cash. They're back where they here, to contrast with the McCoy mansion) on the painful errand started two years ago. of demoting him. Coach doesn't say much, and nothing at all of comfort: For all the ways this show adores Eric, he regularly comes up short on words and compassion at crucial moments. (Another bitter, not-for-everyone layer of complexity.) Matt doesn't say much, either. He just looks stricken. When his grandma and Shelby ask Matt whether he's OK, he tells them From: Meghan O'Rourke yes. Then we watch him stand by the door outside, 17, alone, To: Emily Bazelon and Hanna Rosin lonely, and cut up inside. It's a scene that makes me want to wall Subject: Week 5: Jason Street Is Back—and He Needs To Make Some Money, Quick off my own smaller boys from adolescence. Posted Monday, February 16, 2009, at 7:05 AM ET

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 107/116 I agree, Emily: This episode is pretty unsentimental. In fact, it's going to be OK." Because Julie is: She isn't giving off all the probably the best of the season so far. Partly that's because it other signs of unhappiness that would seem to trigger real begins with football rather than ending with it, loosening up concern. She just wants to feel that she's got some control over what had come to seem like a predictable structure. One key her own life—even if she doesn't fully. result is that the episode can follow out plot points having to do with the team: In this case, it follows Matt's sense of failure and disappointment and Coach Taylor's need to address the fact that, as the game announcer put it, J.D. McCoy has turned out to be "the real deal." I'm always happiest when the show has more football and less necking on it. From: Hanna Rosin To: Emily Bazelon and Meghan O'Rourke Subject: Week 5: As Dark as the Bloodiest Sopranos Episode I liked how the writers intertwined Matt's disappointment with Posted Monday, February 16, 2009, at 10:28 AM ET the reappearance of Jason Street. Street is suffering from a disappointment, too, reminding us that even great quarterbacks go on to suffer. Street, of course, was paralyzed from the waist I also loved this episode, but boy, was it dark. I continue to down in an accident that the first season revolved around; now marvel at how subtly the show ties what's happening on the field he's had another accident: He got a girl pregnant in a one-night to what's happening off it. Emily, I too was struck by how Eric, stand. He has a son. It's turning out to be the central joy of his for maybe the first time, consistently came up short in this life. And unlike so many guys his age—who'd be in college— episode. Usually he can pull out just the right words to smooth he's facing the concrete pressures of needing to make money. over a painful situation. But with Matt, as you point out, it's not You called Street and his pals the "Four Stooges," Emily, and I working. He tries to comfort Matt, but first Mom interrupts, then get why, because this episode treats them as goofballs: Riggins, Grandma interrupts. Later, in the locker room, Matt himself Street, and Herc sit around trying to figure out how to make makes it clear he isn't having it. "Good talk, coach," he says some bucks quick. I love the scene in which Jason is trying to sardonically. think of something simple that everyone needs. ("A sharp pencil," Herc says unhelpfully.) In fact, the "good talk" in this episode is the one Riggins keeps delivering in a cynical salesman mode. Like a character from a It's almost shticky, but what keeps it from being too much so is George Saunders story, Riggins spews some weird sales line he the quite poignant reality underlying the slacker riffing. They picked up from Buddy, about how when the rats leave a sinking don't just want money; they need money. And it's not all that market, "the true visionaries come in." Riggins seems surprised clear that they can get it. The scene at the bank when Street and to hear the words coming out of his mouth and even more Herc are trying to get a loan and Tim and Billy fail to show up— surprised that they work. "I'm a true visionary!" Billy says and because they don't have the cash they promised they have—is then hands over the money for the house that the Four Stooges brutal. Street uses the word dumbass to describe Billy and Tim, want to flip. And, of course, we all know, although they don't, but that's putting it gently. You see how people with good that this will lead to disaster. The boys just fight over the money intentions easily cross to the wrong side of the law. and the house, and the mother of Street's child is horrified, not comforted. Plus, they'll never sell that house. It's as if when Eric Meanwhile, Matt's mom is driving me crazy, but I guess the poor chose money and success (J.D.) over heart (Matt), the guy needs something good in his life. She's eerily thoughtful just consequences of that decision rippled all over town. as Tami starts to flip out and become oddly uptight—coming down hard on Tyra in ways that alienate her and flipping out at The whole episode had a very Paul Auster feel. One fleeting her daughter, Julie, for getting a tattoo on her ankle. The writing thing—an unearned pile of money, a one-night stand, a tattoo, a here is excellent: I flashed back to when I got a second ear suddenly paralyzed teammate—can change your entire life. piercing without telling my mom and she flipped out. I think she Accident and coincidence are more powerful than any God- said exactly what Tami did: that I'd ruined and disfigured my driven holistic narrative. My favorite moment is when they cut body. Twenty years later, I can see the scene from both mom from the meth dealer shooting at the Riggins truck straight to and daughter's perspective: to Julie, who's desperately seeking Jason babbling to his new little boy. There is no happy script. autonomy, her mom's nervousness looks square and Life can be a little random and scary, and it can all turn on a hypocritical—from her perspective, it's just a tattoo and "it dime. This is why those ominous radio announcers—"If they doesn't mean anything." But for Tami, Julie's mini-rebellion lose this one, they can kiss this season goodbye"—really get seems as if it's part of a larger slide to … she doesn't know what, under your skin. One missed pass by one 17-year-old should and that's precisely what's terrifying. She has to assume it does never mean so much, but in Dillon, it does. mean something. Or does she? This was a moment when I wished we could see Tami with a friend, because you kind of think the friend might give Tami a hug and say, "Your daughter's The episode almost felt as dark to me as the bloodiest Sopranos episode. Except for the Touched by a Mom subtheme we've all

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 108/116 complained about. Thank God for Herc, who's man enough to And hey, Meghan, I have the same double pierce story, from handle anything. I love when he calls everyone "ladies." Also: seventh grade. My parents drew a straight line: earring to "Babies love vaginas. It's like looking at a postcard." Who writes mohawk to drugs to jail. They didn't come to their senses as those great lines? quickly as Tami, either.

war stories From: Emily Bazelon To: Hanna Rosin and Meghan O'Rourke The Pakistan Problem Subject: Week 5: A Coach's Theory of Coaches' Wives Will Pakistan's instability make the Afghan war unwinnable? Posted Monday, February 16, 2009, at 1:50 PM ET By Fred Kaplan Wednesday, February 18, 2009, at 6:38 PM ET

Hanna, that's such a good point about the power of random and fleeting moments to wreak havoc on this show. I think that's a President Barack Obama's decision to send 17,000 more troops theme common to many of the best HBO dramas as well. Maybe to Afghanistan means neither that he is "putting his stamp it's a life truth that a TV show is particularly well-suited to firmly" on the war, as the New York Times reports, nor that he is reveal. There's much more pressure on movies, with their two- sliding down "the slippery slope of military escalation," as an hour arcs, to depict larger-than-life incidents and tell a story as if anti-war group protests. it's complete and whole. And often that constraint gives short shrift to the power of the random and to the frayed threads that He will have to decide where to take the war sometime in the make up so much of lived experience. next few months, and he may wind up on that slope, despite his best efforts to resist it. But he hasn't yet reached either point. But I don't really buy your idea that on FNL the central conflict between good and evil is also between heart vs. money. That The president announced on Tuesday that he was sending two seems too simple. J.D. isn't a potentially brilliant quarterback more brigades plus their support personnel to Afghanistan—thus because he's rich. Yes, his parents paid for extra coaching, but boosting the U.S. military presence there by half—for two basic mostly, J.D. has God-given talent. Smash's similar talent comes reasons: to keep that country from falling apart before its with working-class roots, and it looks like he's on his way to presidential elections this August and to provide a modicum of success, and we're meant to celebrate that. Money is a source of security, so that the elections can take place. corruption—Tim and Billy's copper wire theft—but it's also the vehicle for redemption—Jason's attempt to channel those ill- gotten gains into his house-buying scheme. If he fails, I don't The White House is conducting a "strategic review" of think it will be because the show treats money as inherently Afghanistan, scheduled to be completed in 60 days. (The corrupt. It'll be because money is painfully out of reach. And Pentagon's Joint Staff has already submitted its own review, and money vs. heart leaves out other deep currents on FNL—like Gen. David Petraeus' U.S. Central Command is writing one, too. athletic prowess and also the religious belief represented by all At least one section of the White House's paper will be a review those pregame prayer circles. of those reviews.) After that, Obama will decide how to deal with this war in the long term. But if he'd waited for the review before deciding whether to send the two brigades, they wouldn't A couple of observations from readers before I sign off. My have arrived in time for the elections. friend Ruben Castaneda points out that for all its subtle treatment of black-white race relations, FNL has had only a few, not wholly developed, Hispanic characters. That's especially too In short, whatever Obama eventually does about this war, he bad for a show about Texas. From reader Greg Mays, one more pretty much had to send those two brigades now—a move thought about why Tami has no girlfriends. He writes, "As the recommended by all his civilian and military advisers—unless, husband of a coach's wife, I have a theory: It's tough to have any of course, he'd decided just to get out of Afghanistan altogether. real friends in the school-student circle as the coach's wife But he wasn't going to do that. He has said many times, during because you have to be watchful of their intentions to influence the election campaign and since, that as U.S. troops pulled out of your husband. … Also, if my wife is representative, there is a Iraq, he would send at least some of them to Afghanistan. And population of coaches' wives who are coaches' wives because the two brigades that he's sending there now—one Army, one they are more likely to have male friends than female." I'm not Marine—were originally scheduled to rotate back into Iraq. sure that last part describes Tami, but I could imagine it does other Mrs. Coaches. Even so, the president made clear in his announcement that the deployment is not open-ended. Its purpose, he said, is merely "to

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 109/116 stabilize a deteriorating situation." He also said, more pointedly, The deal was made not with "the Taliban" as a whole—the term "This troop increase does not pre-determine the outcome of that implies a more cohesive entity than actually exists—but rather, strategic review." specifically, with Maulana Sufi Muhammad, whom the Pakistanis arrested two years ago for leading jihadist raids across The NATO alliance's challenge in Afghanistan—difficult the border into Afghanistan. He was released from prison after enough—has been complicated in just the last few days by a deal agreeing to give up the struggle and to work for peace. struck across the border between the Pakistani government and a key figure in the Taliban. In exchange for an end to the internal The hope is that he would strike a deal with his son-in-law fighting between the army and the rebels, the Taliban has been Maulana Fazlullah, who is the deputy to a much more militant allowed to set up a court system of Islamist, or sharia, law in the Taliban leader—or that, if he can't come to terms with his son- Swat Valley, an area of 1.3 million people—a majority of whom in-law, a wedge might be driven between various Islamist had voted for secular candidates in the most recent elections— factions, peeling Sufi Muhammad and his followers away from just 100 miles from Pakistan's capital, Islamabad. the radicals and thus strengthening the hand of the central government. President Obama and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates have said that their limited mission in Afghanistan is to keep that However, Daniel Markey, a specialist on Pakistan at the Council country from becoming a safe haven for terrorists who want to on Foreign Relations, doubts this stratagem will work. "It attack the United States and its allies or to destabilize the region. assumes the militants will accept the authority of the Pakistani And yet the Taliban appears to have been given just such a safe state," he said in a phone interview today. "Why should they?" haven inside Pakistan—a much richer state that has nuclear weapons—with the blessings of the Pakistani government, There is nothing wrong in principle with trying to negotiate which is supposedly our ally in the war on terror. deals with Taliban factions. Gen. Petraeus has openly said that such deals will have to be a part of any successful strategy in For some time now, U.S. officers have acknowledged that Afghanistan. However, Petraeus and other officers make two Pakistan looms as the larger threat and the world's biggest points about such negotiations: First, it's futile to go down that potential source of global terrorism. Even if the war in road with hard-core Taliban; second, to the extent negotiations Afghanistan goes smoothly, that would mean nothing if Pakistan succeed with any faction, we need to enter into them from a falls apart. position of strength.

The question now arises: If Islamist terrorists have an officially The deal in Pakistan breaks both rules: Pakistan's political sanctioned haven inside Pakistan itself, does the fate of leaders are trying to craft a deal, indirectly, with the hard-core Afghanistan matter very much? How much blood and treasure is Taliban, and they're entering into it from a position of obvious a sideshow worth? weakness.

It should be emphasized, this deal has not yet been enacted; nor, This is why the deal is not only ill-fated but potentially given its terms, is it likely to be. Contrary to some reports, it disastrous: It reveals the severe weakness of the Pakistani state. does not call for a wholesale abandonment of the Swat Valley to The politicians pursued the deal only because the state cannot Taliban rule. Rather, as respected journalist Ismail Khan notes in control its own territory. Unless Sufi Muhammad can convince an article in today's Dawn, the country's most widely read his son-in-law to accept peace and obeisance to secular authority English-language newspaper, the deal calls for Pakistan's secular in exchange for a parcel of land where Islamic law carries some criminal code to be observed, unless a council of sharia judges weight, the deal is more likely to convince the militant Taliban rules that some law or another is un-Islamic. The deal also calls simply to press on for more favors still. for a halt in the fighting between the Pakistani army and the Taliban militias. Or, if they're lucky, the deal will simply collapse, as similar deals have collapsed in the past, and the struggles will rage on. The key facts here are that, at the moment, there is no working judicial system of any sort in the Swat Valley—and that the Whatever President Obama decides to do in Afghanistan, the Taliban militias have routed the numerically superior Pakistani real danger lies in Pakistan, and its problems lie beyond the army in their armed confrontations. So the deal imposes national powers and jurisdiction of the U.S. military or NATO. secular authority even more than it legitimizes sharia justice. And given the balance of power, it's unclear why the Taliban A solution, if there is one, will be maddeningly complicated. It would go along with that. will require a semblance of order on the Afghan-Pakistani border (good luck, Richard Holbrooke) and the Pakistani army's willingness to be trained in counterinsurgency operations by

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 110/116 foreign armies or advisers. This, in turn, will require a calming I started to rethink this position when I realized that my recent of the border between Pakistan and India—so that the Pakistani holiday destinations—wonderful, envy-inducing places all—had military feels secure enough to redeploy troops away from its started to blur together. In my recollection, dinner in Dublin was traditional external rival toward the much more real threats from just like lunch in Moscow, albeit with 50 percent less gristle. within. And an Indian-Pakistani settlement will probably require That great bookstore in Madrid really wasn't all that different security guarantees from several powers in the region—which from the Barnes & Noble a few blocks from my apartment in will involve the powers negotiating on goals and means as a Brooklyn, N.Y. As I surveyed the living room—I happened to be precondition. Finally, all these steps will have to be taken at perched in front of the TV set at the time of this epiphany—my roughly the same time; success in each realm will depend, to vacation souvenirs stared back at me reproachfully. The some degree, on successes in the others. memento I'd purchased in an Amsterdam museum shop was a close cousin of the keepsake I'd bought at a Barcelona gallery. Diplomacy has rarely had to be managed on so many wobbly Sure, each knickknack featured some iconic image of the city or layers. But the alternative is too awful to allow. country it was supposed to represent, but all those tasteful trinkets could have rolled off the same assembly line in Kansas or Kenilworth.

Just then, I noticed a pile of books that my girlfriend had left on well-traveled the kitchen table. (Did I mention that I've lived with one of those kind, serious students of Japanese for nearly a dozen years?) One Men at Work: Artisans of Old Japan book was a series of profiles of "Edo craftsmen," elderly "When I was younger, I wondered why I had to do this." Japanese men (and a few women) who had turned their backs on By June Thomas the modern age—and apparently the law of supply and Friday, January 30, 2009, at 7:05 AM ET demand—to devote themselves to pursuits such as kabuki calligraphy, kimono tailoring, and the construction of household shrines. From: June Thomas Subject: Am I Too Frivolous for Japan? They were a gutsy bunch of bad-asses, these shokunin. In Japan, Posted Monday, January 26, 2009, at 10:51 AM ET a land of conformity, it takes determination to renounce the necktie and business suit of the salaryman in favor of coarse cloth work clothes. Some shokunin appeared to have given up human company altogether: The photos showed old men Every language attracts a special kind of student. Spanish working alone; occasionally two balding heads shared a tiny speakers are lazy and charming. Those who have mastered room. The stories about them fit the Japanese stereotype of French are sometimes chic and always sybaritic. Hebrew attracts respecting one's elders—most of the gray-haired masters had the committed; Turkish, the committed and complicated. taken up tools decades earlier at their father's request—but there Adventurers are drawn to Arabic, and Mandarin is for brainiacs was also a dose of obstinacy in their choice of career. You think who love a challenge—so much so that they often abandon the kimono-crest printing went out with the dodo? I'm (barely) living language altogether once they've got it down. And Japanese? proof that you're wrong. Japanese speakers are serious, serious people. Of course, all languages demand tedious, diligent study, but there's something The second volume, Blue and White Japan, design guru Amy about Japanese that calls out to those who are quiet, kind, and, Katoh's mash note to the nation's signature color scheme, is one often, spiritual. People who would rather kneel on a tatami mat of those seductive design books that have you ready to trade in contemplating a calligraphy scroll than, say, slump on a sofa your set of Crate & Barrel dishes for a collection of chipped, watching Gossip Girl. unmatched china after just one flip-through. You'll also want to discard your store-bought tablecloth in favor of an improvised I always fancied myself too frivolous for Japan. Going there covering pieced together from farm rags. Apparently, I had two would be like visiting a library—a quiet, orderly place where options for acquiring these must-have objects: a lifetime of flea- nothing much happens. A world unto itself with lovely things to market browsing or a visit to Katoh's store in Tokyo. look at but nothing much to do. I love libraries; I just didn't want to spend my vacation in one. All that politeness stressed me out. I needed a pack of tissues to get through Old Kyoto, the final There seemed to be a million rules—take your shoes off here, book in the stack. Focusing on "family establishments that have wear these slippers in the bathroom and nowhere else—and I been in business for at least a hundred years, and in some cases didn't understand any of them. for over ten generations," it's a collection of obituaries-in- waiting disguised as a guidebook. Pretty much all the shopkeepers Diane Durston profiles would qualify for Medicare,

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 111/116 and one entry about a charming cask and bucket maker outings of the entire trip was a trek to the Kyoto Handicraft concluded with a heartbreaking postscript: "Tomii-san, Center, whose brochures were on display in every outpost where unfortunately, had no son and no apprentice to carry on his a foreign visitor might venture. It's the kind of depressing place honorable trade. He passed away in 1998, leaving a hole in the that makes you wonder if the guidebook writers had been bought heart of the Nishijin district where the bright red buckets out off: The otherwise excellent Lonely Planet Kyoto City Guide front (his only 'sign board') were once a famous landmark." I called it "the best one-stop emporium in the whole of Kyoto," used to think that the best guidebooks made you want to race to but the place filled me with sadness. Commercially, it was a a destination before it's "spoiled"; this one left me desperate to smart enterprise—lots of vendors housed under one roof, get to Kyoto before anyone else died. English-speaking staff, credit cards accepted (an astonishingly rare practice in Japan, other than at the big department stores), It's not as if I really needed any casks or buckets, but like a lot of shuttles to and from the downtown hotels. The booths were people whose work life is hyperactive, I freak out when faced stuffed with goods, but everything felt like it had come off a with the unstructured days of vacation. Perhaps heading to Japan conveyor belt. Still, even in the midst of all the schlock, the with a purpose—tracking down some of these men who make spirit of the shokunin endured: While package-holiday tourists things with their hands, often with the same tools their great- pounced on cheap yukata and ugly T-shirts, a pair of woodblock grandfathers used, and figuring out what drives them to live the printers quietly carved and inked, unmolested by the horrors lonely life of a traditional craftsman—would help me understand surrounding them. more about my own attitudes toward work and vocation. Back in the capital, Masaharu Moriya of Moriya Bamboo I had also heard a lot of good things about Japanese television. exemplified Yanagi's ideal of the unknown craftsman. He was a man of few words. My minutelong questions, followed by two minutes of the interpreter's rendering, would inevitably be answered: "Yes," "No," or "A little, perhaps." Still, I never had the feeling that he was evading my queries. He was shy and apparently unused to gaijin schlepping out to his studio, located From: June Thomas an hour from the city center. He provided the facts of his life— Subject: The Unknown Craftsman he was inspired by his father, who worked with bamboo, though Posted Tuesday, January 27, 2009, at 10:05 AM ET not professionally; he has been in business for 30 years, 15 at the current location; he tried other lines of work, but this was "the most suitable"—but when it came to philosophy, vocation, the soul-harmonizing joy of shaping bamboo, he had nothing to say. My first contact with traditional Japanese crafts left me cold. th The 55 Japan Traditional Art Crafts Exhibition, housed under Feeling bad that I was keeping Moriya from his work, I asked fluorescent lights on the seventh floor of the massive Mitsukoshi him to show me what he does. He virtually skipped to the department store in Tokyo, was antiseptic and unengaging: The workshop. Within seconds, he had whipped off his sock so that exhibits—fine pottery, intricate wooden boxes, elaborate he could grasp one half of the springy bamboo with his right kimonos—were exquisitely made, but they were a little too foot. In less than two minutes of splitting and stripping, he perfect for my taste. I had more fun wandering around the turned three lengths of bamboo into 12 strips, and 30 seconds sprawling food hall in the store's basement. A visit to the Japan later, he had woven six of the strips into the base of a basket. Traditional Crafts Center in the Ikebukuro neighborhood was Even as he worked swiftly with a tool that must've been sharp another ice bath. All very pretty and informative—accessible, enough to take off a toe, he kept an eye on the cars zooming too, with display information provided in English—but far too down the highway outside his studio. museumlike. My visit to Moriya Bamboo came about halfway through a The JTCC has worthy ideals. Founded in 1979 by the ministry of three-week trip, and by that point I had clear expectations about economy, trade, and industry, the exhibition is intended to what I'd find in the store attached to a craftsman's workshop: a promote traditional crafts, commonly known as mingei. The few exquisite but expensive objects—the cost easily justified by Mingeikan—a Tokyo folk-art museum founded by philosopher the time devoted to producing them, the materials used, and the Soetsu Yanagi—defines mingei objects as "the work of rare opportunity to buy a beautiful object direct from the hands anonymous craftsmen, produced by hand in quantities, of its creator. Moriya's store was completely different. Visitors inexpensive, to be used by the masses, functional in daily life, could step up to a shoes-off fancy furniture section or find a few and representative of the region in which it was produced." delicate items intended for use in Japanese tea ceremony, but the Perhaps it's inevitable that when government agencies—or bulk of the haphazardly displayed stock was practical, rustic private enterprises, for that matter—try to champion humble gear—baskets, brooms, and housewares; traditional winter crafts, they suck the life out of them. One of the most dispiriting boots—priced for country folk rather than visiting urbanites.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 112/116 There was even a selection of cheap souvenirs and wooden toys Many steps are taken on the journey from flower to fabric, and that a child could blow his pocket money on. the good folks at Kosoen took pains to explain them all on the company Web site. Like a great chef, a superior dyer must These days, according to Moriya, people aren't using traditional understand the science he sets in motion when he combines bamboo products for their intended purpose, and with Japanese alkaline and acidic ingredients, and he must be sensitive enough agriculture in decline, a lot of the things he makes end up in to know when to stop stirring the pot. Similarly, just as galleries and museums as exemplars of traditional products. proximity to heat and blade takes its toll on a cook's fingers, What looked like a grass-skirt ensemble turned out to be a Noriyuki's blue hands are testimony to his vocation. The navy traditional bamboo raincoat, but it won't be used to keep farmers tint extends to his wrists, as if he's wearing gloves; his long dry as they toil in the fields—it was made to decorate the walls fingernails shine a rich indigo more intense than any polish of a restaurant that is trying to establish a traditional vibe. could produce. As the man at the helm of the color wheel, he literally has a finger in every pot. Despite the effects of urbanization, the bamboo business seems sound. When 67-year-old Masaharu retires, his son Koichi will There was something very familiar about the Kosoen take over, and, judging from the quantity of raw materials demonstration. I'd seen another, almost-identical presentation stacked out back, the order book is healthy. Of course, it's hard about indigo dyeing when I visited the Kano Dye Pits in Nigeria. work. It was Sports Day, a national holiday, when we took our In West Africa, where the electricity supply is unreliable and jaunt out to the workshop in Aobadai. The trains out of Tokyo capital is unavailable, going organic seemed practical, but were packed with liberated office workers heading to the country why—apart from bloody-mindedness—would citizens of the for a day of hiking, but the Moriyas were at their posts, splitting, most technologically advanced nation on earth choose a method shaving, and shaping bamboo. fraught with so many difficulties?

Let's review the challenges. The raw materials are scarce—only a handful of Japanese farmers still grow the Polygonum tinctorium plant, each year producing just 1,000 bags of sukumo, the fermented dried leaves that are to indigo dyeing what grapes From: June Thomas are to winemaking. Only well water can be used in the natural Subject: Doing Things the Difficult Way dyeing process—the chlorine in town water would kill the Posted Wednesday, January 28, 2009, at 11:17 AM ET delicate bacteria—and to keep the bacteria happy, dyers must eschew air conditioning in summer and heating in winter. And for all that discomfort, the financial risks are high: The raw materials Noriyuki tosses into the vat for each batch of dye— There are two ways to transform bland white cotton into the rich, sukumo, sake, wheat bran, ash, and lime—cost at least $3,000, deep blue that you see everywhere in Japan: with chemicals or but if the chemistry doesn't take, and the microorganisms don't through the occult art of aizome, natural indigo dyeing. thrive, the whole thing is a write-off. According to Hiroshi Murata, president of Kosoen dye works, once chemical dyeing was invented 100 years ago, U.S. Why take the risk? Hiroshi's answer is that this work is producers abandoned the Polygonum tinctorium plant. okufukai—it presents a profound, almost existential challenge. A Americans are practical people, and chemical dyeing made third Murata brother operates a chemical dyeing shop, but sense: Naturally dyed indigo fabric is more expensive and much Hiroshi and Noriyuki prefer to maintain the connection with old more trouble to produce. Still, Japanese people were attached to Japan, to struggle stubbornly to bring beauty from bacteria. And, the superior quality of aizome, so a few manufacturers of course, they are proud of the quality of color that only natural persevered. A determination to do things the difficult way seems indigo dyeing can produce. Amy Katoh says that Kosoen to be what drives Hiroshi and his younger brother Noriyuki. "produces a youthful blue that whistles with fresh air and "Normal people would give up," he told me. "But we continue." sunshine." My azure palette isn't refined enough to offer a review, but I'll always remember Noriyuki-san's grin as he It was late on a Saturday afternoon when we arrived at the dipped his big blue hands into the dye vat to test the mixture. Kosoen workshop in Ome, a green-hilled city about 80 minutes "You have to taste it to see when it's right," he laughed, sticking and 20 years from downtown Tokyo. Noriyuki was bounding a finger in his mouth. around the workshop mixing up a giant vat of dye. Wearing Wellington boots as he sloshed overflowing buckets of water to In Kyoto, Kenichi Utsuki, the owner and artist in residence at rinse the floor, Noriyuki, who is 48, looked like a joyful toddler Aizen Kobo, is more of a proselytizer than a businessman. playing in the rain. Utsuki subjects anyone who wanders into his workshop and store in the Nishijin District to a lecture on the natural indigo- dyeing process (complete with laminated handouts), a sit-down

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 113/116 show-and-tell of his collection of indigo fabrics from around the I tell you all this to explain why the Japanese attitude toward the world, and a tour of his operation. I would have found it kimono unsettles me so. All the years of that questionable family obnoxious if he weren't such a true believer. He evangelizes for ritual make it difficult for me to think of it as anything other than natural indigo, touting its ability to repel mosquitoes and snakes, a costume. Yes, generations of Japanese—men and women— its resistance to fading, and its durability. In a way, though, that woke up and put on a kimono every day of their lives. But even durability is a liability: The costly ingredients and the though Frenchwomen used to dress like the cast of Les Liaisons painstaking dyeing process, with its repeated cycles of soaking Dangereuses, and America's Founding Fathers wouldn't leave and air-drying, make the products relatively pricey (around $70 the house without a powdered wig, the only time you'll see those for a scarf; $35 for a napkin-sized piece of blue cotton). Still, as clothes in Paris or Philadelphia today is during a movie shoot. at Kosoen, the subtle variations of shade made everything seem desirable—I wanted to take things home just so I could point to Kimonos aren't exactly common in modern Japan, but every day them and say, "See, that's blue." I was there I saw at least 15 kimono-clad figures, almost all women. It wasn't the raw numbers that surprised me; it was how Kenichi's wife, Hisako, designs tasteful garments for the family normal it seemed. Women in kimonos eat breakfast in coffee business, but they weren't my kind of thing. I was tempted by the shops, they strap-hang on crowded trains, and they poke about in samu-e suits, loose-fitting garments favored by farm workers 100-yen stores. Other Japanese people don't pay the slightest bit and craftspeople, but they failed the Q-train test: Whenever I'm of attention—it's as if they haven't noticed that the person next to tempted by a "foreign" garment, I try to imagine myself wearing them happens to be swathed in several thousand dollars' worth of it on the New York subway. No way. Eventually, though, I did beautifully tailored silk. As a gaijin—a foreigner—I attracted purchase my own bit of indigo. Days later, when we made our more attention than these women, and I can guarantee that I was pilgrimage to the Blue & White store in Tokyo, I couldn't resist far less interesting to look at. buying a bag made from fabric dyed in Hiroshima. It smells a little gamey (no wonder mosquitoes give natural indigo a wide In Spain, when a woman dresses up for a bullfight or the berth), and it lacks the zips and security features that life in an neighborhood fiestas, everyone compliments her appearance. American city seems to demand, but I was sold when the sweet True, anyone who doesn't offer a piropo will get an earful, but shop assistant told me I looked "suteki"—stylin'—when I slung you don't sing praises out of politeness—you do it because she it over my shoulder. looks great. In England, mockery is the most likely response to a spiffy outfit, but at least it's a reaction. The Japanese nonchalance contravenes the laws of nature: When a bird primps its plumage and does a little dance, attention must be paid.

The Japanese seem to love uniforms—parking-lot attendants are From: June Thomas Subject: Not a Costume kitted out like generals, guys who pick up trash wear full-dress Posted Thursday, January 29, 2009, at 10:54 AM ET blues—so perhaps kimonos are just another kind of uniform, a way of establishing that the wearer belongs here, that she hasn't lost her connection to her nation's history. Making a fuss would question that connection, rendering it invalid. When I was a child, the entire family would gather at my grandmother's house for two annual occasions: Boxing Day I thought about all this when we went to see Takaki Nagashima dinner and the Miss World pageant. For the latter, we'd all study in Kyoto. I'd first caught sight of him at a seminar in New York, the form conveniently provided by that morning's paper, then where he was teaching U.S.-based Japanese women about gather around the television to cheer our favorites and wager on obis—the ornate sashes used to tie kimonos. On that sweltering the winner. My strategy was simple: I always favored Miss day in August, Nagashima sat at the end of a long table unfurling USA. One year, though, the organizers insisted that all the bolt after bolt of astonishingly luxurious fabric, the very picture contestants get into the spirit of the "national costume" segment of opulence. of the show. You see, while Miss India sported a sari and Miss Japan shuffled onstage in a kimono, the Brits and the Americans Although Nagashima is not an unknown craftsman—he's a usually wore some variation on business casual involving salesman, not a shokunin, and his family's obis proudly bear the miniskirts and go-go boots. That year, their outfit had to reflect company shoushi, an identifying seal—his line of work is just as national tradition. I've managed to block whatever culturally steeped in tradition and just as endangered. His family's obi- inappropriate outfit the American wardrobe department came up making business, Nagashimasei Orimono, is based in the with, but Miss United Kingdom's rendition of a beefeater is Nishijin—a textile center for more than 1,000 years—and I forever seared into my cerebral cortex. asked him to give my girlfriend and me that classic travel experience: the factory tour.

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 114/116 Nagashima showed up at our hotel decked out in a gorgeous steel-blue kimono, and everywhere he went, the man turned heads. He is a one-man kimono-and-obi-promotion campaign— From: June Thomas Subject: The Specialist young, attractive, and used to being stared at. Our first stop was Posted Friday, January 30, 2009, at 7:05 AM ET the company besso, a special house where executives take guests to discuss business or negotiate deals away from the office. It was spectacular—even though we were in a dull, residential neighborhood, as soon as we passed through the gate, the modern world fell away—but it was also somehow emblematic. Master brush-maker Yoshio Tanabe spent the first 10 minutes of Every room seemed to include a feature, such as a weaving our acquaintance explaining why the appointment was futile: His technique or a type of wood from a tree that could no longer be knowledge of brushes, calligraphy, and the properties and harvested, that was threatened or already extinct. Even the characteristics of animal hair was vast, and my capacity for garden was endangered: These days, few gardeners know how to understanding was small. It was hard to argue—what could I handle the maintenance of such a jewel. possibly comprehend of his craft when I can't write a single Japanese character?—but he relented when I brought out a dog- eared photocopy of the chapter in Edo Craftsmen that profiled At company headquarters—and later in the jam-packed, slightly the family business and featured many shots of his photogenic anarchic factory—the impression was again of opulence: father, Matsuzo. I was a fan! Besides, he'd just finished up a 300,000 colors of silk, stitches too tiny to be seen with the naked batch of brushes, so he had some time on his hands, and Tanabe eye, and endless luxury. The Nagashimasei Orimono specialty is Bunkaido, his little shop in the Nezu district of Tokyo, was weaving with metallic threads that produce a shimmering fabric empty. So, why not? that moves like liquid gold or silver. The designs are intricate and complex—some are taken from traditional paintings—and the traditional Nishijin weaving process produces an almost Later, I realized that reluctance was a family tradition. The only three-dimensional effect. The workers—there are 40 in all—tend touch of color on the calligraphy-filled shop walls came from a to be middle-aged; Takaki, at 35 the youngest person around and vomit of primary colors in a small painting by Joan Miró. clearly accustomed to being treated like the prince of the family Apparently, the Catalan artist once came to the store while business, complained that these days young people aren't Yoshio's father was still alive, asking for brushes. Matsuzo interested in learning these nontransferable skills, preferring initially refused the sale. His brushes were intended for office life and business suits. calligraphy, not painting; what's more, he had intended to pass them on to Yoshio rather than sell them. But like his son the hesitant interview subject, he eventually relented, and Miró left Although there has been a bit of a kimono boom in recent years, the store with a parcel under his arm. (Yoshio speaks thanks to a resurgence of interest in tea ceremony, overall the unsentimentally about his father, but he keeps a whole cabinet prospects aren't good. Kimonos and obis are expensive—an full of his dad's brushes in the store. At this point, they're outfit can cost as much as a car—and they're delicate. Kimonos probably too old to sell, but from the way he caressed them as he must be washed at least every 10 years, and all the stitches are demonstrated their qualities, they're clearly among his most removed for laundering, which means they must be prized possessions.) reconstructed by a kimono tailor each time, a three-day job. Putting on a kimono and tying the obi is a complicated business, and women who don't wear them very often can forget the Yoshio Tanabe is such an imposing man—broad-shouldered and technique. Outside of weddings, funerals, and formal events, strong—that it's hard to imagine him spending half a century there just aren't many opportunities to don traditional dress— selecting, separating, and combing animal hairs, but that has which might explain all the kimono-clad ladies enjoying the No. been his life. He's a talkative, gregarious guy—after his initial 2 breakfast at Beck's Coffee Shop. show of playing hard to get, he spent two and a half hours answering questions and demonstrating his skills—and yet since his father died 20 years ago, he has worked alone in a small Nevertheless, Nagashima is sure that kimonos and obis will workshop behind the display cases, getting to his feet only for survive because of the Japanese reverence for tradition. And, lunch or the bathroom. "When I was younger, I wondered why I while there's a thin line between holding on to tradition and had to do this," he admitted, indicating the cramped quarters. turning your back on the world, the Japanese women who walk around town in beautiful kimonos don't seem like Civil War re- enactors playing at history or buggy-riding Amish rejecting the To my Western way of thinking, "guilt" is the explanation. internal combustion engine. They put on their kimonos and get Matsuzo Tanabe, whose only schooling after the age of 7 had on the bullet train as if it's the most modern thing in the world. been his brush-making apprenticeship, pushed his son into the family business. Yoshio's rebellion was to insist that he be allowed to graduate from college before he moved into the workshop, but once installed, he never left. Nothing has changed in his five decades of brush-making. Is he bored, I asked. "Yes,"

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 115/116 he answered flatly, though he didn't seem to consider that such a kneeling in a teahouse, pondering a scroll. My host explained terrible fate. that the calligraphy described the sound of the wind moving through trees. Outside, it was quiet enough to hear the breeze. So, what is the reward? The accumulation of knowledge and the satisfaction of creation: "Making a brush is like calligraphy Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC itself. When you really look at it, you can see the skill and all the work that's gone into it." And, of course, praise from the cognoscenti. "When a calligrapher says to me, 'Good brush!' I am satisfied."

Tanabe's wares are expensive. The cheapest thing he makes himself is a beginner's calligraphy brush of horse and sheep hair that retails for $60. (He also sells brushes made by former students of his father's.) The softer and rarer the hair, the more expensive the brush—and the greater the skill needed to wield it. One of the priciest pieces in the store is a $22,000 brush made by Matsuzo Tanabe from black Japanese horsehair; it took years just to collect the long, soft hairs it required. It seems churlish to wonder if art supplies are worth thousands of dollars; it's like asking if anyone needs a Patek Philippe when a Timex tells the time just as well. Nevertheless, a $1,000 brush wouldn't improve my kanji, and there can't be many calligraphers whose skills could cause a significant reduction in Tanabe Bunkaido's inventory.

Among the thousands of brushes displayed in the store are a few with ivory handles. Tanabe is slightly embarrassed by them— they're old, he stresses, not for sale—but where better for an endangered material than an endangered store? There's no doubting Tanabe's skill as a brush-maker, but it's hardly a growth industry. During our long visit, no one so much as looked in the store window, much less came inside. Computers and competition are killing calligraphy—these days, people print out labels rather than address New Year's cards by hand, and the private calligraphy schools that once taught Japanese youngsters the arcane arts of lettering have been replaced by cram schools where kids study for Japan's university entrance exams. Calligraphy schools have gone the way of abacus schools; they're no longer needed.

Perhaps that's why Tanabe seems sincerely unsentimental about the fate of the family business. Although it's hard to believe, he's 71. He has no children, and he never took on an apprentice. When he can no longer work, it will all come to an end. We guests—including interpreter Michiyo—exclaim how sad this is. Tanabe-san simply smiles. It's just how it is.

In the end, I'm not sure how much I learned about work from my visits with these men. I already knew how lucky I was. For all the talk of Japanese respect for tradition, the proud craftsmen seemed all but abandoned. But there was something positive about their isolation: the silence. My vacation was blissfully peaceful. I didn't watch any television while I was in Japan; since I couldn't understand the words, the noise felt offensive and clamorous. One Sunday afternoon, I even found myself

Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC 116/116