Rights Activists Take Over Lab College

Students say Helium-filled April 1, 2009 / Volume 7, No. 7 mime professor’s basketball Index lectures too traps player in Arts 7-8 Puzzles 6 quiet/P8 Pavilion/P16 Campus Life 2-3 News 1, 9-12, 18-28 Opinion 4-5 Sports 13-17 The Highline Community College Thunderwerd Rights activists take over lab College By DAX BUbblEMAN the man to choke violently and to expand Staff Reporter everybody looked to Nursikkis and her nurses for help. enrollment The nursing lab was taken “This is the most ridiculous over by a wild herd of PETA thing I’ve witnessed in my three- supporters last Monday. and-a-half years of teaching,” options The PETA supporters broke said Nursikkis as the last of the into Building 26 and had been PETA members was shoved in hanging up banners smeared a police car. “Nurses don’t do By LARRY LABRUM Staff Reporter with what they thought was fake CPR; you’ll need to call respira- blood. tory care.” College officials said they “Those dumb hippies actual- Officials were unsure, later, will admit students of any age ly smeared pig’s blood all over however, which group the peo- beginning Fall Quarter 2009. their banners and themselves,” ple calling themselves PETA The new program will ex- Des Moines Police Officer Er- actually represented. pand on the successful Running nie Jones. Originally, it was believed Start program and will be called The PETA members, how- that the group might be People Random Start. Students’ age ever, were not shaken up. Mor- for the Ethical Treatment of An- will not be considered in admis- tal screams came floating out of imals. However, upon question- sions any longer, Highline offi- the nursing lab, as they started ing, some of the arrestees iden- cials say. pelting the officers with small tified themselves as emmbers of “We have an open-door ad- rodents. Persons Eager to Annoy. missions policy already,” said “Witness the power of na- At least one of the group said Random Start coordinator-des- ture!” one PETA member yelled he was disappointed to find out ignate Wyndham Hill. “This as he nailed Officer Jones in the that the group was against eat- just opens the door a little wid- face with an acouchi. Acouchis ing meat. er.” are adorable rodents that get up “I’m a meatarian,” he said. Students will be placed to 7 centimers long in length. “Salad is cruelty to vegetables.” in classes according to their After hours of being holed Asked why he continued to Compass scores, Hill said. up in the nursing center, and support the group even after he “We realize that we’ll have to one failed attempt by the police learned they were anti-meat, the offer some more remedial class- to infiltrate, the PETA members protester said he admired their es, since a lot of the younger were starting to starve. Chaz Bobblegun/THUNDERWERD sense of commitment. students probably won’t be up It was Chartwells, the new Nursing student Card Pulmer argues with PETA leader DQ Berger “I’ve got a real steak in this to speed on subjects such as catering service at Highline, at the height of the standoff on Monday. group,” he said. “They’ve got a English, math, science, history, who saved the day. They made legitimate beef. They know how speech, business, engineering, an abundance of tofu burgers “You may do to me what you Nursikkis said to Berger as he to cut out the fat and bring home arts, and social science,” Hill and set them at strategic points want,” said PETA member D.Q. was piled into the DMPD Sta- the bacon. There’s nobody here said. “But a lot of them ought around Building 26. Berger when he was forced into tionwagon. who’s hamming it up. Yes, they to do really well in courses such One by one the PETA mem- the DMPD police car. “Just The last of the PETA mem- don’t like me eating meat, but as early childhood education. bers tried sneak out and snatch don’t touch my piggy!” bers got a hold of one of the all I get from it is a little ribbing Let’s face it – they’re experts!” a burger, but the police tackled “We told you guys, we’re tofu burgers and took a big bite now and then. But we’re going Hill acknowledged that some them like fierce jungle cats leap- not Highline Hospital,” Nurs- right as he got nailed by Officer to stop this pork-barrel politics professors may be less than hap- ing on a baby zebra. ing Program Coordinator Ivana Tank Mammoth. This caused once and for all.” py about having to teach remedial classes, but said that many on campus are already develop- ‘Reply all’ keys to be disabled this month ing a talent for that in their work with Running Start students. By WAllY MONROE ple, it’s almost like Tourette’s.” would try to schedule unexpect- “So for a lot of people, this is a Staff Reporter •College officials will host a Others were less happy with ed Blackboard crashes around natural progression,” he said. “blood for cash” drive to help the decision. midterms and finals so as to Some of the classes will Officials with the Adminis- ease budget cuts. Please see “I have just so many things limit disruptions. be housed in the former Early trative Technology department page 24. I want to tell people,” said Pro- •Students will be issued “vir- Childhood Learning Center, have announced that they will fessor LaWanda Wandermind. tual laptops” along with their which is being closed due to disable the “reply all” function ful for ongoing group discus- “It’s a part of my computer. All textbooks. budget cuts. Hill said the class- on campus computers later this sions. those e-mails that won’t be sent “They’re virtually useless,” es also will be open to students 5 month. “But most often it’s used – those e-mails, they’re like e- Nano said, “but most students’ feet tall and under, of any age. “’Reply all’ is costing the for people who want to share mails to me.” heads are in the clouds any- “You have to be able to fit in campus hours of labor every something with the whole cam- Others expressed similar way.” those tiny desks,” he said. week,” said Rupert Nano, as- pus that only needs to be shared frustration. •Students using Library com- Because of the change, the 10 sistant director of computing ef- with a few people.” “This college sucks,” said puters for gaming or MySpace a.m. class hour now will include ficiency for Highline. “Just the Some on campus celebrated one employee who asked not to will receive electric shocks from a 10-minute “morning recess” processing of the repeated cam- the move. be named. “They keep trying to the computer mice, and Library period, and any class scheduled pus-wide e-mails literally raises “It’s like the students in class make me work.” staff will hold their souls in de- for noon or later will include a the college’s electric bill.” who say something just to say In other tech news on cam- tention until all fines are paid in designated nap time. Nano admitted that the reply- something,” said Professor Gus pus: all e-mail function is in fact use- Curmudgeon. “For some peo- •College officials said they Please see Reply, page 7 Please see Random, page 12 2 Campus Life The Thunderwerd / April 1, 2009 Juvenile caught studying in library Students called Security to take care of a juvenile who was causing a disturbance by qui- etly reading his textbook at one of the library’s ukelele practice tables. “We can’t function with people messing around like this,” said an aspiring ukelele hero. Security office stolen Security officers arrived at Building 6 last Monday, March Lewis J. Ren/THUNDERWERD 30, to discover the Security of- The Nike swoosh on Building 8 will help make up for lost state revenue, college officials say. fice had gone missing. “We came back from a meeting, and it was just gone,” said Officer John Mustard. College turns to ads to help pay the bills By JAREK NARROWS of the Child Learning Center,” keep other programs important to make up at least 80 percent of MaST Center Staff Reporter said Mike Philpes, a student. to the school from being shut the money that we thought we’d attacked by pirates Philpes had hoped to be admit- down, such as the TV in Student have to cut from the S&A if we Building 8 will be providing ted into the center. Union. can sell all the space,” Meeting- Highline’s Marine Science advertisement billboard space to “Yeah, I’m 21,” he said. “But “We actually thought about well said. and Technology was attacked help make up for budget cuts. I’m short.” putting ads on that, too,” Phil- Student response to the idea by pirates on March 17. In a fund-raising effort to “So many people hang out pes said. has varied. cover recent budget cuts, Vice around the Student Union. We The ad space will be sold at “I think it’s a shame,” said President of Student Affairs Jeff thought there had to be people competitive rates based on size, Cassandra Lorne, a chemistry Lost and Found Meetingwell has arranged for out there wanting to reach that placement and printing quality.

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