Rights Activists Take Over Lab College

Home , Sanjaya Malakar, Simon Cowell

Students say Helium-filled April 1, 2009 / Volume 7, No. 7 mime professor’s basketball Index lectures too traps player in Arts 7-8 Puzzles 6 quiet/P8 Pavilion/P16 Campus Life 2-3 News 1, 9-12, 18-28 Opinion 4-5 Sports 13-17 The Highline Community College Thunderwerd Rights activists take over lab College

By Dax Bubbleman the man to choke violently and to expand Staff Reporter everybody looked to Nursikkis and her nurses for help. enrollment The nursing lab was taken “This is the most ridiculous over by a wild herd of PETA thing I’ve witnessed in my three- supporters last Monday. and-a-half years of teaching,” options The PETA supporters broke said Nursikkis as the last of the into Building 26 and had been PETA members was shoved in hanging up banners smeared a police car. “Nurses don’t do By Larry Labrum Staff Reporter with what they thought was fake CPR; you’ll need to call respira- blood. tory care.” College officials said they “Those dumb hippies actual- Officials were unsure, later, will admit students of any age ly smeared pig’s blood all over however, which group the peo- beginning Fall Quarter 2009. their banners and themselves,” ple calling themselves PETA The new program will ex- Des Moines Police Officer -Er actually represented. pand on the successful Running nie Jones. Originally, it was believed Start program and will be called The PETA members, how- that the group might be People Random Start. Students’ age ever, were not shaken up. Mor- for the Ethical Treatment of An- will not be considered in admis- tal screams came floating out of imals. However, upon question- sions any longer, Highline offi- the nursing lab, as they started ing, some of the arrestees iden- cials say. pelting the officers with small tified themselves as emmbers of “We have an open-door ad- rodents. Persons Eager to Annoy. missions policy already,” said “Witness the power of na- At least one of the group said Random Start coordinator-des- ture!” one PETA member yelled he was disappointed to find out ignate Wyndham Hill. “This as he nailed Officer Jones in the that the group was against eat- just opens the door a little wid- face with an acouchi. Acouchis ing meat. er.” are adorable rodents that get up “I’m a meatarian,” he said. Students will be placed to 7 centimers long in length. “Salad is cruelty to vegetables.” in classes according to their After hours of being holed Asked why he continued to Compass scores, Hill said. up in the nursing center, and support the group even after he “We realize that we’ll have to one failed attempt by the police learned they were anti-meat, the offer some more remedial class- to infiltrate, the PETA members protester said he admired their es, since a lot of the younger were starting to starve. Chaz Bobblegun/THUNDERWERD sense of commitment. students probably won’t be up It was Chartwells, the new Nursing student Card Pulmer argues with PETA leader DQ Berger “I’ve got a real steak in this to speed on subjects such as catering service at Highline, at the height of the standoff on Monday. group,” he said. “They’ve got a English, math, science, history, who saved the day. They made legitimate beef. They know how speech, business, engineering, an abundance of tofu burgers “You may do to me what you Nursikkis said to Berger as he to cut out the fat and bring home arts, and social science,” Hill and set them at strategic points want,” said PETA member D.Q. was piled into the DMPD Sta- the bacon. There’s nobody here said. “But a lot of them ought around Building 26. Berger when he was forced into tionwagon. who’s hamming it up. Yes, they to do really well in courses such One by one the PETA mem- the DMPD police car. “Just The last of the PETA mem- don’t like me eating meat, but as early childhood education. bers tried sneak out and snatch don’t touch my piggy!” bers got a hold of one of the all I get from it is a little ribbing Let’s face it – they’re experts!” a burger, but the police tackled “We told you guys, we’re tofu burgers and took a big bite now and then. But we’re going Hill acknowledged that some them like fierce jungle cats leap- not Highline Hospital,” Nurs- right as he got nailed by Officer to stop this pork-barrel politics professors may be less than hap- ing on a baby zebra. ing Program Coordinator Ivana Tank Mammoth. This caused once and for all.” py about having to teach remedial classes, but said that many on campus are already develop- ‘Reply all’ keys to be disabled this month ing a talent for that in their work with Running Start students. By Wally Monroe ple, it’s almost like Tourette’s.” would try to schedule unexpect- “So for a lot of people, this is a Staff Reporter •College officials will host a Others were less happy with ed Blackboard crashes around natural progression,” he said. “blood for cash” drive to help the decision. midterms and finals so as to Some of the classes will Officials with the Adminis- ease budget cuts. Please see “I have just so many things limit disruptions. be housed in the former Early trative Technology department page 24. I want to tell people,” said Pro- •Students will be issued “vir- Childhood Learning Center, have announced that they will fessor LaWanda Wandermind. tual laptops” along with their which is being closed due to disable the “reply all” function ful for ongoing group discus- “It’s a part of my computer. All textbooks. budget cuts. Hill said the class- on campus computers later this sions. those e-mails that won’t be sent “They’re virtually useless,” es also will be open to students 5 month. “But most often it’s used – those e-mails, they’re like e- Nano said, “but most students’ feet tall and under, of any age. “’Reply all’ is costing the for people who want to share mails to me.” heads are in the clouds any- “You have to be able to fit in campus hours of labor every something with the whole cam- Others expressed similar way.” those tiny desks,” he said. week,” said Rupert Nano, as- pus that only needs to be shared frustration. •Students using Library com- Because of the change, the 10 sistant director of computing ef- with a few people.” “This college sucks,” said puters for gaming or MySpace a.m. class hour now will include ficiency for Highline. “Just the Some on campus celebrated one employee who asked not to will receive electric shocks from a 10-minute “morning recess” processing of the repeated cam- the move. be named. “They keep trying to the computer mice, and Library period, and any class scheduled pus-wide e-mails literally raises “It’s like the students in class make me work.” staff will hold their souls in de- for noon or later will include a the college’s electric bill.” who say something just to say In other tech news on cam- tention until all fines are paid in designated nap time. Nano admitted that the reply- something,” said Professor Gus pus: all e-mail function is in fact use- Curmudgeon. “For some peo- •College officials said they Please see Reply, page 7 Please see Random, page 12 2 Campus Life The Thunderwerd / April 1, 2009

Juvenile caught studying in library

Students called Security to take care of a juvenile who was causing a disturbance by qui- etly reading his textbook at one of the library’s ukelele practice tables. “We can’t function with people messing around like this,” said an aspiring ukelele hero.

Security office stolen

Security officers arrived at Building 6 last Monday, March Lewis J. Ren/THUNDERWERD 30, to discover the Security of- The Nike swoosh on Building 8 will help make up for lost state revenue, college officials say. fice had gone missing. “We came back from a meeting, and it was just gone,” said Officer John Mustard. College turns to ads to help pay the bills

By Jarek Narrows of the Child Learning Center,” keep other programs important to make up at least 80 percent of MaST Center Staff Reporter said Mike Philpes, a student. to the school from being shut the money that we thought we’d attacked by pirates Philpes had hoped to be admit- down, such as the TV in Student have to cut from the S&A if we Building 8 will be providing ted into the center. Union. can sell all the space,” Meeting- Highline’s Marine Science advertisement billboard space to “Yeah, I’m 21,” he said. “But “We actually thought about well said. and Technology was attacked help make up for budget cuts. I’m short.” putting ads on that, too,” Phil- Student response to the idea by pirates on March 17. In a fund-raising effort to “So many people hang out pes said. has varied. cover recent budget cuts, Vice around the Student Union. We The ad space will be sold at “I think it’s a shame,” said President of Student Affairs Jeff thought there had to be people competitive rates based on size, Cassandra Lorne, a chemistry Lost and Found Meetingwell has arranged for out there wanting to reach that placement and printing quality. major. the window space on the sides market,” he said. “About 20 percent of the Lorne explained that the The following items were of Building 8 to be converted to “The idea just sort of hit us. available space on the building chemistry department had reported lost: virtue, innocence, commercial ad space. I pulled out my Nokia 6720 has been prepared so far,” Meet- hoped to harness all of the glass one bag of marbles, Rey Mys- The plan was proposed by a Classic and called to meet with ingwell said. on the side of Building 8 as a gi- terio, three pair size extra-large group of students in the Busi- Meetingwell the next day,” he “We’re hoping to prepare ant burning glass. women’s harem pants. ness Program after the rash of said. about 60 percent of the remain- “But this totally ruins the The following items were cuts made to the S&A budget Although the revenue from ing space.” building’s potential as a convex reported found: faith, hope, pur- last quarter. the ads is coming too late to “Apple has been a big buy- lens,” Lorne said. pose, the internet, meaning, one “I was really distressed by save the child care center, Phil- er,” he said. “We want to be able to burn case men’s Now Baby hair gel. the announcement of the closure pes said, he hopes that it will “We think we might be able something large.”

Occult Seminar Movie Fridays isa Corrections bear.” says ‘me too’ very exciting, mon •The bookstore will not be •There was an error in last offering free textbooks this week’s paper on page 13: the quarter. The story should have Occult Seminar has been an- Spring Quarter’s Movie correct spelling is “immortal said “freak textbooks.” nounced for Spring Quarter. Fridays program will kick off Modeled after the already- with Star Wars 1.5: The Jar-Jar successful Science Seminar Binks Story. and the new History Seminar The film was directed by Alan programs, Occult Seminars will Smithee and stars Ahmed Best be held on Tuesdays in various as the voice of Jar-Jar Binks, a The Thunderwerd New club hopes rooms on campus. fan favorite character since his Just like a real newspaper. to make a splash The program was proposed debut in The Phantom Menace. by phrenology instructor An- The film explores Jar-Jar The new Old Ones Cthulhu drew Stewart. Binks’ troubled past through Editor...... Dax Bubbleman Club will be holding its inaugu- “These seminar programs flashbacks interspersed into a Other editor...... J. Aaron Bear ral meeting Saturday, April 4, at are really catching on,” Stew- winding narrative full of in- Missing editor...... Rey Mysterio art said. “We wanted to get on trigue and deception. Salty’s near the Highline MaST Fashion editor...... Hottie Couture Center. board early while there were Star Wars 1.5 was a huge The meeting will begin at 11 still days of the week free.” critical success, garnering a 94 Living editor...... Res E. Rection p.m. with an open discussion of The seminar’s schedule percent “sweet” rating on re- Obituaries...... Sir Simon Mulligan the topic, “are we worthy?” has not been determined yet, view site Overripe Bananas. Sporting editor...... Wells LaMont Proceedings will conclude at but Stewart said he will do the Famed reviewer Zebert Rog- Arts editor...... Art Nouveau first presentation, “How to tell ers called it “a deep and satis- midnight with a ritual in an at- Reporters...... Val D. Mort, Winnie Poober, Huge tempt to summon an elder god. whether your students are zom- fying biopic about the undoubt- Club President Frank Thur- bies or just asleep?” on Tuesday, edly most beloved character in Ackman, Ira Keogh, W.D. Forte, Slo Moshun, Speedy ston said he was “very excited April 7. the Star Wars franchise.” Reeder, Tom Thumb, Tender Vittles, Oscar Mayer, Al B. to have this opportunity.” Stewart said he is also inter- The film will be shown Fri- Sure, Slapper Ashcan, Wendy Burger, Dutch Dykerman, Light refreshments such as ested in having seminars on as- day, April 3, at 12:30 a.m. in Denton Fender, Queenie de Nile, Dubs Overman, Katya trology, palm reading and alien Building 33, room 802. coffee and a vegetable assort- Fish, Sandy Claus. ment will be provided by the sightings in the King county Binks himself will be visiting club. area. Highline classes soon. Arts 3 The Thunderwerd / April 1, 2009 Idolicious Sanjaya to perform at Highline By Nichelle Nicholes Staff Reporter Idol, Sims was one of the viewers who protested the singer’s inclusion on the Sanjaya Malakar is coming to High- show by starving herself until his evic- line this weekend to perform works from tion. She also ran on online video blog to his upcoming self-titled album, Sanjaya. share her fasting experience and encour- Malakar is a Federal Way native who age other viewers to do the same. rose to fame and infamy during his time “I’m thinking about starting the blog on a popular television singing contest. back up,” she said. “It was one thing American Idol fans will remember when Sanjaya was on my TV, but him Malakar from the sixth season of the coming to my school is just not cool.” series. The reality show discovered Sims is starting a petition to stop the him during the show’s Seattle auditions performance and organizing a website to which were hailed by the judges, Simon stop all future performances by Malakar. Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jack- She said she is trying to make this a na- son, as the worst auditions in the history tionwide movement. of American Idol. Despite this, two of “This time, it happened to me and my the top 12 finalists were from those au- school, next time it could be yours,” she ditions, including Malakar and season said. runner-up Blake Lewis. Malakar isn’t worried about the nega- Malakar made it into the seventh tivity his appearance at Highline is al- round of the competition through viewer ready causing. He considers the reaction votes despite much criticism from the a positive thing. judges and the media. “Some viewers did the same thing Malakar’s performance at Highline when I was on Idol,” he said. “If any- will be his first since the American idol thing, it just helped me out and got me tour, which took place after the season more votes.” aired from July 6 to Sept. 23, 2007. To join the movement against Mala- He was approached for the perfor- kar, visit JustsaynotoSanjaya.com. mance by Highline’s activities coordina- Meanwhile, an alternative group tor, Laren Jewis. claiming that Sanjaya is being controlled “I’ve known Sanjaya for as long as I by agents from UNESCO, say they plan can remember,” said Jewis. “I knew he to be at the concert to protest Sanjaya’s wasn’t working right now and Highline continued exploitation by Western cul- could really do for some great entertain- tural forces. ment, so it was a great fit for all of us.” They also have set up a website, free- Malakar is also excited about the up- sanjaya.com. “Free Sanjaya,” said the coming performance. group’s spokesman, Aldo Phat. “I’m really pumped,” he said. “This is Malakar will perform in the Mt. Sanjaya poses for the cover of his next album, Just Like Me -- But Better. gonna be my chance to show everybody Townsend dining room of Building 8 at 7 what I can do without American Idol.” p.m. on Saturday, April 4. With him will This will be the first stop on Sanjaya’s News of the singer’s upcoming per- thought the whole Sajaya thing was over. be his one lone fan, Ashley Ferl, who Reunion Tour. formance has received mixed reactions It should have stayed that way. I can’t was fondly labeled “the Crying Girl” by “I was falling apart for a long time from Highline students. believe Highline’s trying to bring him Simon Cowell. Tickets will be sold in there,” he said. “But now I’m coming “I can’t believe this is happening,” back.” advance April 2 and 3 in front of both en- back together.” Highline student Molly Sims said. “I During Malakar’s time on American trances to Building 8. ‘Watchmen’ musical to be spring production

By Whip Whiner Watchmen who Watch Watch- Staff Reporter men who Watch, Wind Me Up, Watchboy, I’m Killing You Be- Highline’s Drama Depart- cause I Love You, and the lilting ment will present Watchmen, love ballad, Give Me Back My the musical, for its spring pro- Freakin’ Movie Rights. duction this quarter. “It’s a story about stories “We’re really excited that within stories,” Flopp said. we were able to get the rights to Flopp said they will be cast- this,” said guest director Frank ing for all roles in the show. He Flopp. “The musical is even said it’s not necessary to be able more oddly obtuse than the real to sing to sing in the show. thing.” “It’s more about the music,” Flopp said this is also a good Flopp said. “It’s about music way to prepare for next year’s that’s inside of music, but more production, V for Vaudeville. musical.” In the musical version of Flopp said he would like, Watchmen, the madcap gang of however, an entire bass section, would-be superheroes tries to which will sing in falsetto. fight crime while battling ex- Flopp said he hopes to find istential angst and the desire to one strong singer to play the land roles in the chorus line of lead, Dr. Manhattan Transfer. Bush War Drum Line, the musi- “It will help if he looks good cal within a musical that may or in blue,” Flopp said. may not help explain the plot of The Drama Department said the musical outside of the musi- that, in keeping with tradition, cal. they will not promote the show The cast of the spring production of Watchmen, the muscial, poses for a publicity shot over spring But it’s the music that mat- until the last possible minute. break. Highline officials hope the production will spur students to more acts of random vigilantism, ters the most, Flopp said. “We really hope people come and also to go to class more often. Numbers in the show include to see the show,” said Flopp. 4 Sports The Thunderwerd / April 1, 2009 Highline hunt club hopes to bag bigger game

By Wells LaMont every weekend from here on out Staff Reporter to give others the opportunity to come out and join us. Basi- The first official Highline cally we really like to shoot ani- Hunting Club is now in session. mals.” After years and years of un- Hunter said that you don’t successful attempts by numer- have to do much to come out ous people to get a hunting club, and join them. Cletus Hunter was the one that “The only thing you have to finally got it established. do is fill out a release form, just Hunter, a fifth-year sopho- in case something accidentally more at Highline, said that get- happens. We meet on Tuesday ting the club going was a huge and Thursday every week, from step for Highline. 3 to 4 on the soccer field,” said “Getting this club going at Hunter. “We do ask that you Highline is amazing,” Hunter don’t bring your guns on the said. “All the other big schools first day as we need to process in the state have a hunting club paperwork first.” and for us to finally get one here The release form is standard is really monumental.” for all clubs and Smith said if Although Highline really you e-mail him that he will send doesn’t have a so-called forest you a copy of what needs to be around it, Hunter said this is not done. a problem. “The best way for you to “No forest, no problem. We contact me is by e-mail. I like hold our club meetings in the to take a shotgun approach, so woods out behind the soccer I check my e-mail a lot and will field. At the meetings we take be able to quickly respond. My practice shots at birds, squirrels e-mail is cletus80@hotmail. and basically all other animals Pancho Grover/THUNDERWORD com,” said Hunter. that show themselves,” said Highline Hunting Club President Cletus Hunter, right, and partner Bucky Shotz show off their take of With the decision just go- Hunter. geese from the flock that likes to hang out near the soccer fields. ing final less than a month ago, Hunter said even if you don’t Hunter said there is a few people have a gun you still could join. Currently the Highline Hunt- even would just like to learn, we Mountain. Most of us picked he needs to thank. “It doesn’t matter if you’re ing Club only has 10 members, want you.” off a few birds and a couple of “I can’t thank the adminis- equipped or not,” Hunter said. but they are looking for more The club not only has meet- raccoons,” Hunter said. “Terry trators at Highline enough for “I have several guns that I usu- hunters, Hunter said. ings, but they go on hunting ex- [Jackson] managed to rack up being so supportive in this epic ally bring with me to the meet- “We want to get as many peditions as well. a huge deer with his Brown- decision,” he said. “We are go- ings that I allow all other mem- people out there as we can,” “So far this year, we have ing Cynergy Sporting shotgun. bers to use.” he said. “If you like to hunt or taken one expedition up to Tiger We are planning on taking trips Please see Hide, page 15

Hide-and-seek team wants to bring sport into the open

By Wink Blinkman seek, each found person of the Staff Reporter other team counts as a frange. Three franges make a floot, and Highline’s hide-and-seek the first team to reach four floots team is looking forward to an wins the match. exciting spring season. Teams lose a porgie for each The newest team was added of their own players found, to Highline’s athletic line-up af- however, and three porgies ter the trashing of track and the mean that team members must softball team striking out in its assemble for a ritual dance be- quest for enough players, said fore play can resume. Jeb Jingle, under-assistant ath- Teams may subtract half a letic director for development. porgie for each hiding team “We needed something in a members who remains unfound hurry,” said Jingle. “And al- for the minimum time, which though this sport requires some varies depending on the current skill, it doesn’t require much year’s lunar cycle and the cube training.” root of the Dow Jones Utilities Coach Herman “Hidey” average. Holman said the squad is “The students really learn looking pretty sharp so far. something from playing this “When I can see them, anyway,” game,” Holman said. The Thunderhiders, as they Holman said. “A lot of times, Henrik Schneaker/THUNDERWERD like to call themselves, will have they’re just hiding.” Hide-and-seek team captain Alfred “Tiny” Freeman warms up with some hiding practice in the Stu- their first home match on April Team captain Alfred “Tiny” dent Union on Monday. Freeman said he’s gotten so 5, at 2 p.m. near the Pavilion. good at hiding that he often gets but was never found. been working on a yoga-style man said they need to work on “Hopefully, you won’t be missed when roll gets taken in “We hope he’s OK,” Free- move, the sideways-facing the seeking part of their game. able to find us,” Freeman said. class. man said. “He was really good panda, in which the player wills “You’ve got to be able to find The team’s top seeker re- “I’m easy to overlook,” he at hiding, I guess. We left some himself into a state of invisibil- the other team’s hiders,” Hol- mains Victor “the snout” Ven- said. food out for him, and it does dis- ity. man said. “Hiding by itself is detta, legendary for his ability Freeman said the team has appear every night. So I guess “Can you see me now?” not enough if you want to win a to smell out opposing players. recovered from the loss of team- we’ll keep feeding him until he asked Freeman. championship.” “I’m gonna find those guys,” mate Rey Mysterio, who was decides to come out.” Although the team is particu- In the complicated scoring hiding during practice one day Some team members have larly adept at hiding, Coach Hol- system for competitive hide and Please see Hide, page 15