emotional release

BY GERI LARKIN Turning Rage to Love

Anger over relationship breakups, betrayals or abandonment can serve as a wise teacher on the spiritual path

elationship rage is at an all-time high. Maybe some feisty women. One of them, Magandiya, while it's just that there are more of us on the planet. graceful in figure, beautiful in appearance, and charming All I know is this: Rage is completely painful. when she wanted to be, was also jealous and mean-spirit- Screaming, pushing, shoving, sulking, manip- ed. When she didn't like another one of his wives, she ulating, emotional blackmailing, silent smol- went after her big time, using relationship rage as her dering,R watching for ways to get even. All rage. And weapon. Her main target was Samavati, the king's uncontrollable: You never know where it will aim itself. favorite consort. Magandiya constantly came up with A week ago, a young woman, Flimbeth, asked to schemes aimed at stirring the king's wrath toward her speak to me following a Sunday-morning meditation competition. Once, Magandiya put a snake into the king's service. She was in tears. She wanted my advice about an favorite lute and covered the hole with a bunch of flow- incident that had happened to her during the week. She ers. When he picked up the lute.. .out came the snake. and her partner were driving down a street near her house When the king saw the snake, he was furious. when they suddenly noticed a couple having an argu- Deciding Magandiya was right, he finally lost it The ment The man started beating the woman, really beating king commanded Samavati to stand in front of him with her. Liz wanted to stop to all of her ladies-in-wait- help, but her boyfriend said ing behind her. Then he no—the guy could have a put an arrow dipped in gun. What should she have poison into his bow. And done? shot it. My reaction was Since this is an early immediate. Distract the Buddhist story, and there man. Drive a little too are miracles in early close. Or honk and wave Buddhist stories, the wildly. Or turn the music queen didn't die. And up to full volume. Shout since Samavati and her something. Anything to ladies bore no ill will distract him so she could against the king and get away. And call the police. stood there filled with loving-kindness for him, the arrow Relationship rage is everywhere. You know it I know missed them, even though the kind was an excellent it. When we see it the easiest thing to do is ignore it. But archer. it will only grow if we do. So the real question to ask our- Would that we were all so lucky. We say to ourselves, selves is, How can I be helpful in this situation? "I would never get angry like that," but just watch what Sometimes it's best to stay clear of the couple but call the happens when someone cuts in front of us in a movie line police. Often it's helpful to act as a distraction If your or on a highway. Listen to the tone of our voices when we response stops someone from harming, you've just get yet another telemarketing phone call during dinner. earned a Girl Scout stripe in [Buddhist] Tusita heaven. It's in there. And these aren't even the intimate relation- ships in our lives, where we've given ourselves permis- ADINAFTT1NG OUR RAGE sion to openly emote. Buddha's contemporary King Udena was married to Admitting that we have the capacity to rage opens the

48 March/May 2003 PH OTO ILLU S TRATIO N ( LEFT) COURTESY OF WWW. FREEIMAG ES. CO. UK busy? Itisembarrassinglyeasytospottriggerpoints By payingattentiontomyownemotionalpatterns.When done byrage,Icanadmitthatneedtotrainmyselfso I canragewiththebestofthem,andknowdamage door tolearninghowbemoreSamavali.SinceIknow They'll onlygodownhill. when welook.I,forone,needtostopdifficultrelation- am Ieasilytriggered?WhenI'mhungry?Turd?Too won't giveintoitwhenarelationshipgoessour.How? of negativekarma,becauseitpullsotherpeopleintoour weep atourloss.Exceptthatfurycutssuchwideswaths breaking open.Forthisreasonitiseasiertoragethan RAGE FROMHEARTBREAK ship discussionswhenI'mhungryortired.Period. close attentiontoyourbody—ourjobisshoutour- erupt —andbelieveme,you'llfeelitcomingifyoupay strangers. Attheendofarelationship,whenragestartsto melodrama. Innocents:monks,children,pets,neighbors, heal ourhearts,notharmotherpeople.Inthatsplitsecond hurts. Itreally has justbeensplitopenbyahugeemotionalloss.Andit behind thequestionwe'llhearanswer—thatourheart selves, "Stop!"Rightthenandthereweneedtoaskour- else. Wecanpromiseourselvesquiettime.Take healing withoutwastingprecioustimedoinganything we cangiveourselvespermissiontostarttheprocessof selves whatisreallygoingon.Inthequietspaceright heart" Wecanlisttherelationshipdangersignswedidn't with "Ihavethecouragetolovesomeonemywhole and listallthethingsweadmireaboutourselves,starting can wailourselveshoarse.Webuyflowers into thewoodswherenaturecangiveusrefugeandwe ogy, becausewe'reworthit.Beforelongourliveswillbe to doatfirst.Weneedweepoureyesdry,withoutapol- triggers forweepingbecausemostlythatiswhatweneed to simplymoveon.Movieswithsadendingsaregreat see sowe'llbemoreskillfulnexttime.Orwecandecide SEEING THEBIGPICTURE way. ready tostartupagaininafreshand—dareIsayit—happy day inHydePark,therehewas— thesexiest,scruffiest,I- what someoneelse'smouthtasted like(frenchfriesmost- without gettingmybracescaught,quickkissestosee dabbling: quickkissestoseeifIcouldstartandfinish Red —Inamedhiminstantly caught megapingathim, wouldn't-trade-two-Brad-Pitts-for-him, red-headedboy. ly). Atsixteen,onatraintoSydney, Australia,tospenda Sometimes relationshiprageissimplyourownheart This simplerealizationremindsusthatourjobisto I metmyfirstrealboyfriendatsixteen.Beforethat, baggie jeans,sandals,surfer-girlhair. yard. Wewereamatchmadeinheaven. kisses, andhecleanedourswimmingpoolintheback- writing hisnameinsidehearts.Bytheendofweektwo, chip shopsonthesouthshore.Byendofday,Iwas from thebestsecondhandstorestocheapestfish-and- next tomeandwewerecomparingnotesoneverything he haddied. until, withoutwarning,hisphonecallsstopped.Iwassure pleted technicalschool.Wesaweachotheronweekends year, andhestartedlookingforarealjob,havingcom- Red andIwereinseparable.learnedhowtokissreal that ourlovewouldend,futurewasn'tsealed, found himathisdesk—onthephonewithanothergirl. off fromschool,ItookthetrainintoSydney,where begging forgiveness.Icouldn'teatorsleep.Andwas we weren'tamatch.His"I'mnotgoodenoughforyou" car, filledtheswimmingpoolwithlizardbodies.Furious burned thehousedown,scratchingcursewordsonto him tocomehissenses,showuponmydoorstep fell ondeaf,broken-heartedears.Iwassurewoulddie. huge apologies.Aftermonthsofquietcontemplation,I one Iknewandatleastahandfulofcompletestrangers, late andsanityrestoredme.ButnotbeforeTowedevery- mean. mean. Iyelledateverythingandeveryone.couldhave term match.Thatmyacademicandathleticplateswere- too young,thathewasrighttotellmeweweren'talong- was finallyabletoseeabroaderpicture,thatwewereway correct theancientwomenweretolivelivesthat in andoutoflovethislifetime,I'verealizedhow the rageleft.Twoyearslater,Iwasinloveagain. way toocrowdedforafull-timeboyfriend.That'swhen times hitthembetweentheeyes. being consumedbyrelationshipragewhenthehard yes, butalsotheirspiritualwork—savedthemfrom own perspectiveofwhatneededtending—families, not definedbyloverelationships.Howmuchtheir FROM APLACEOFINDEPENDENCE false expectationsofwhatarelationship willbeordo ence. Andhowunproductiveand evensillyrelation- Knowing thishastaughtme the valueofindepend- ship rageis,sinceitinevitably, basedonourown By thetimetrainpulledintoSydneyhewassitting Hysterical, Iwentlookingforthebody.Takingaday After threemonthstogether,Ifacedatoughschool I wasdevastated.Ithadsimplyneveroccurredtome For months,ImournedthelossofRed.waitedfor For sixmonths,Igrowledandfumed.Finally,choco- Looking backatthedozenorsotimesI'vefallen Romantic lovecomesand goes, likeclouds. continued onpage 60 March/May 2003MANDALA 49 Healthy Anger Rage vs. from healthyanger. you showuptwo we canstayclear In situationswhere Rage isdifferent you saywillon angry andset what makesus ence, weconfront about ourexperi- stop planningto to protectmyselfI'll disrespected, and Friday nights,Ifeel hours laterthan boundaries. When hurt thepersonor anger. Plottingto Fridays." Thisis see youon she owns?Rage. something heor Medan Turning Rage to Love continued from page 35 continued from page 49

that could produce a new way of life. C–oura- for us. of righteous energy? What geously examine these new understandings, Over and over, Buddha then? Once skillful response and if they align with our personal inner truth taught the value of perspective. is to seek in the wis- and knowing, to enlarge our belief system to He reminded his followers that dom of other women. include them. E–xpress our lives as a demon- energy needs to go into our Ancient Buddhist women stration of our highest beliefs, rather than as a spiritual awakening, our prac- used each other as protection denial of them. The relevancy to Buddhists of tice. If we don't know how against relationship rage. these?' Five Steps to Peace is self-apparent much time we have left to fall They used each other's iv k Many of us feel helpless in the face of into our own enlightenment – patience, wisdom, and pres- possible war. Even if we believe in peace, or and we don't — how dare we CITIA:VUTUL ence. When some of the spend hours, months or even women became known as practice peace, we cannot change people who ccRI LIW are beating war drums. How do we keep our years frivolously? Losing any ILmai Buddhist teachers, the other courage? of our precious life to relation- women were able to lean NDW: Through non-attachment. By ship rage is a complete waste of time. As hard on them for help. Women ministering releasing ourselves &Rh expectations and they began to understand to women. becoming unattached to results or outcomes. and know the high costs of rage, Buddha's Every woman I have ever known has By knowing and understanding that the world female disciples put the bulk of their ener- analyzed and fretted over her relationships. is spinning perfectly in every single moment, gies into their own spiritual growth, their This fretting and analyzing includes all the and that our job is to see the perfection. By own enlightenment. women ministers I know. Plus, we all have working towards a world of harmony and non- What wisdom. Here's a bonus: When been in love at least once. So we understand, violence in our hearts and in the outer world you and I have the courage to put our own in our bones, what it feels like to be in love that we ourselves touch, and by expanding the enlightenment first, all relationships are joy. – sick love, healthy love, in-between love. reach and the impact of our touch, if we Why? Because in good times and bad they We know what it is to lie awake wondering choose, in order to touch all the world are feeding us clues about the work we need if he or she will call. Most women ministers At You call yourself a "social activist for to do. Here's where we might be stuck, I know have to live through falling out of spiritual change?' How do you do this in where we blame our partner for all the love or being abandoned. When you talk to everyday life, like when you're going to wrongs of our lives. Here's where we are us and we nod, it is out of shared experience. "work," or talking with your children, or driv- surprisingly and wonderfully kind and com- ing, or taking out the trash? passionate and forgiving, and where we GRATTTUDE 1■13VV: By making spiritual change pro- know how to giggle and dance and learn a Finally, as crazy as this sounds, practic- duce change in the way that I do all those new theme song. ing gratitude can cut through relationship things that you mentioned. First, I do not go to rage. I'm pretty skilled at getting angry. It "work?' I go only to "joy?' If a thing is work, FORGIVENESS happens fast, and it's hot. Almost always the I do not do it I would rather let it go "undone" Keeping a list of all the ways we've been anger comes from situations where some- untill can see it as 'joy?' Buddha Nature sees wronged or hurt by our partner just makes one has acted cruelly to another person. joy in everything – even in pain. This, of us sick physically and emotionally. In 1999, After thousands and thousands of hours of course, makes the pain bearable. It can even the Templeton Foundation for Forgiveness meditation and years of spiritual practice, I transform the pain. It can actually make the Research in Richmond, Virginia, spent have finally figured out how to transform the experience of pain disappear. about $6 million to study how forgiving rage. Beyond the witnessing of it, finding M: Have you achieved (a perma- someone and moving on with our lives something to be grateful for – anything – nent state of peace)? affects us. What happens if we simply let go cuts the rage. Gratitude that I'm alive, that M3VV: No. But I have achieved bliss. I of our rage? Some of their findings are spring always comes, that my behind hasn't believe that bliss is a "temporary state of amazing. In one study more than 70 under- sunk all the way to my knees, that my kids peace:' as opposed to a "permanent" state of graduates at Hope College in Hope, still love me. Gratitude keeps my emotions peace. I have achieved and experienced bliss Michigan, were instructed to cultivate soft and opens a space to choose compas- many times in my life, and I achieve it more vengeful thoughts for as little as sixteen sec- sion. In that space, the wisdom that a specif- and more, and for longer and longer periods, onds. The group experienced increased ic situation needs can also surface. everyday. I experience bliss through non- blood pressure, heart rate, and muscle ten-

NDI CREW attachment. Through non-judgment Through sion. On the other hand, when they focused

SA non-differentiation, through non-separation. I on forgiving, on just letting go, the stress Geri Larkin is the founder and guiding teacher of Still Point in Detroit, Michigan. Her BY T would call this the state of Godliness. It is what indicators fell significantly. previous books include, "Stumbling Towards

LEFT) God is. Non-attached, non-judgmental, non- Enlightenment," and "First You Shave Your Head." This

N ( WOMEN FRIENDS essay is adapted from, "Love : Relationship O differentiated, non-separated. Buddhists would TI call this the Buddha Nature. I see no difference What if you are just plain stuck in rage? Wisdom from Enlightened Buddhist Women." ©2002 by Geri Larkin. Reprinted with the permission of Tuttle STRA at all. I see, in fact, non-difference everywhere. If it has locked you into its seductive dance Publishing, www.tuttlepublishing.com . ILLU

60 MANDALA March/May 2003