Preparing Modern Orthodox Kallot and Chatanim for Marriage
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Gender Relationships In Marriage and Out Edited by Rivkah Blau Robert S. Hirt, Series Editor THE MICHAEL SCHARF PUBLICATION TRUST of the YESHIVA UNIVERSITY PRESs New York OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancediiibalancediii iiiiii 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1311:28:13 AMAM THE ORTHODOX FORUM The Orthodox Forum, initially convened by Dr. Norman Lamm, Chancellor of Yeshiva University, meets each year to consider major issues of concern to the Jewish community. Forum participants from throughout the world, including academicians in both Jewish and secular fields, rabbis,rashei yeshivah, Jewish educators, and Jewish communal professionals, gather in conference as a think tank to discuss and critique each other’s original papers, examining different aspects of a central theme. The purpose of the Forum is to create and disseminate a new and vibrant Torah literature addressing the critical issues facing Jewry today. The Orthodox Forum gratefully acknowledges the support of the Joseph J. and Bertha K. Green Memorial Fund at the Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary established by Morris L. Green, of blessed memory. The Orthodox Forum Series is a project of the Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary, an affiliate of Yeshiva University OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancediibalancedii iiii 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1311:28:13 AMAM Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Orthodox Forum (17th : 2004 : New York, NY) Gender relationships in marriage and out / edited by Rivkah Blau. p. cm. – (Orthodox Forum series) ISBN 978-0-88125-971-1 1. Marriage. 2. Marriage – Religious aspects – Judaism. 3. Marriage (Jewish law) 4. Man-woman relationships – Religious aspects – Judaism. I. Blau, Rivkah Teitz, 1941– II. Title. HQ525.J4O78 2005 296.7’409 – dc22 2007026007 * * * Distributed by KTAV Publishing House, Inc. 930 Newark Avenue Jersey City, NJ 07306 Tel. (201) 963-9524 Fax. (201) 963-0102 www.ktav.com [email protected] Copyright © 2007 Yeshiva University Press This book was typeset by Jerusalem Typesetting, www.jerusalemtype.com OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancedivbalancediv iviv 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1311:28:13 AMAM Contents Contributors viii Series Editor’s Preface xi Robert S. Hirt Preface xiii Rivkah Blau Introduction: The Past and the Future of the Forum on “Gender Relations” xv Jennie Rosenfeld 1. Of Marriage: Relationship and Relations 1 Aharon Lichtenstein 2. Marriage, Sexuality, and Holiness : The Anti-Ascetic Legacy of Talmudic Judaism 35 Adiel Schremer 3. How Jewish Society Adapted to Change in Male/Female Relationships in 19th / early 20th Century Eastern Europe 65 Shaul Stampfer 4. Sanctity, Sanity and Connectedness : Struggles For Commitment Among Orthodox Jewish Singles 85 Daniel Rothenberg 5. Perfect Person Singular : Unmarried Adults in Contemporary Orthodox American Jewish Communities 91 Sylvia Barack Fishman v OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancedvbalancedv v 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1311:28:13 AMAM 6. Observations on Perfect Person Singular 115 Shmuel Goldin 7. Excerpts from Interviews with Orthodox Singles 121 Koby Frances and Jennie Rosenfeld 8. Premarital Guidance Literature in the Internet Age 131 Yuval Cherlow 9. Thoughts on Teaching Taharat HaMishpahah: The Role of the Teacher Today 173 Abby Lerner 10. Preparing Modern Orthodox Kallot and Hatanim for Marriage 207 Devorah Zlochower 11. “So She Can Be as Dear to Him as on Their Wedding Day”? Modern Concerns with Hilkhot Niddah as Demonstrated by Anonymous Email Questions 225 Deena R. Zimmerman 12. Life Values and Intimacy Education: Methods and Messages 243 Yocheved Debow and Anna C. Woloski-Wruble Orthodox Forum Seventeeth Conference 293 List of Participants Index 297 OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancedvibalancedvi vivi 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1311:28:13 AMAM Other Volumes in the Orthodox Forum Series Rabbinic Authority and Personal Autonomy edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Tradition and the Non-Traditional Jew edited by Jacob J. Schacter Israel as a Religious Reality edited by Chaim I. Waxman Modern Scholarship in the Study of Torah: Contributions and Limitations edited by Shalom Carmy Tikkun Olam: Social Responsibility in Jewish Thought and Law edited by David Shatz, Chaim I. Waxman, and Nathan J. Diament Engaging Modernity: Rabbinic Leaders and the Challenge of the Twentieth Century edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Perspectives on the Experience of Suffering edited by Shalom Carmy Jewish Business Ethics: The Firm and Its Stakeholders edited by Aaron Levine and Moses Pava Tolerance, Dissent, and Democracy: Philosophical, Historical, and Halakhic Perspectives edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Spirituality and Divine Law edited by Adam Mintz and Lawrence Schiffman Formulating Responses in an Egalitarian Age edited by Marc D. Stern Judaism, Science, and Moral Responsibility edited by Yitzhak Berger and David Shatz The Conceptual Approach to Jewish Learning למדות edited by Yosef Blau Rabbinic and Lay Communal Authority edited by Suzanne Last Stone War and Peace in the Jewish Tradition edited by Lawrence Schiffman and Joel B. Wolowelsky OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balancedviibalancedvii viivii 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:1411:28:14 AMAM 10 Preparing Modern Orthodox Kallot and Hatanim for Marriage Devorah Zlochower Introduction A number of years ago I began teaching pre-marriage classes at the request of a number of my students. These women had all spent significant time learning and were looking for a class that would in- tegrate the halakhic sources with practical information. Additionally, they were seeking a teacher who would speak frankly about sexual matters. Finally, a number of them were interested in studying as couples learning the same information and opening a forum for dialogue and shared responsibility. Sometimes I was approached by someone who had already begun kallah classes elsewhere. When students asked me to recommend a book, I was hard-pressed to find one that covered all the material I thought necessary. The concerns expressed by these students and the goals they 207 OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balanced207balanced207 207207 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:4211:28:42 AMAM 208 Devorah Zlochower had in preparing for marriage have led me to conclude that there are serious needs the Modern Orthodox community should be address- ing in preparing young couples for marriage. Among these needs are: clear and accurate information about male and female anatomy and sexual physiology, an open discussion about the halakhic parameters of birth control, the range of legitimate options within hilkhot niddah and an honest discussion about the difficulties one may encounter in observing hilkhot niddah and in building a satisfying sexual rela- tionship. Some difficulties I have been apprised of include feelings of isolation during the twelve-day separation, negative feelings and fears about bedikot, pressure to perform sexually on the night of tevil- lah and fears about first intercourse. The period of time before the wedding provides a unique opportunity to discuss with a sensitive and knowledgeable instructor the problems that may arise. With these issues in mind, I will begin by offering a review of some popular taharat ha-mishpahah literature, by pointing to some of the pitfalls that often plague pre-marriage classes and by posing some suggestions that seem better suited to the needs of Modern Orthodox hatanim and kallot. These suggestions as well as my cri- tiques are obviously subjective and based on my experiences with young couples and, particularly, with young women whom I have taught and counseled. I do not intend to argue that the literature and many classes are out of place. Clearly, many of the books as well as many instructors do an excellent job of presenting the laws of nid- dah. My point is that the laws of niddah must be supplemented, and that books and classes intended for a Modern Orthodox framework should be made available. Specifically, it is my contention thatniddah manuals must include information on sex. Several reasons are at play here. First, as niddah is a body of halakhah that deals with sexuality, a discussion that focuses solely on sexual restraint may lead the hatan or kallah to conclude errone- ously that Judaism has a negative attitude towards sex. And even if a hashkafic statement is made endorsing a posi- tive view of sexuality, given the plethora of details we teach about OOFF 1177 rr1818 CS2MECS2ME draftdraft 8 balanced208balanced208 208208 99/2/2007/2/2007 11:28:4211:28:42 AMAM Preparing Modern Orthodox Kallot and Hatanim for Marriage 209 the practice of niddah, a lack of similar attention to sexual function may still lead a young person to conclude that halakhah is more interested in restraint than sexual expression. Finally I would add that while one could purchase any number of sex manuals at general bookstores, those books obviously do not provide an approach to sexuality informed by Jewish values; the niddah literature provides a unique forum for such an integration. Literature Review The literature review will focus on eight works. I have selected four classic works that continue to be read and four books written in the last ten years. Some deal primarily with laws of niddah while others focus on Jewish views of sexuality, but they are all examples of the pre-marriage literature widely available to young couples. Below, in order of first publication date, is the list of works. I have noted the edition of the book I read and reviewed. All citations in my review will be to these editions and will be included in the text. Lamm, Norman. A Hedge of Roses. 6th ed. New York: Feldheim, 1987. Kaplan, Aryeh. Waters of Eden: The Mystery of the Mikvah. New York: ou/ncsy Publications, 1976. Tendler, Harav Moshe David. Pardes Rimonim: A Manual for the Jewish Family. 3rd ed. Hoboken, nj: Ktav, 1988.