Sept 02, 2013 | Critic.Co.Nz Live Entertainment From

Issue 21 | Sept 02, 2013 | critic.co.nz live entertainment from

+ THE KAIKORAI BAVARIAN BAND, TWO CARTOONS, MATT LANGLEY, THE PROPHET HENS, and PIPSY! + food & brew seminars from top industry gurus

STUDENT TICKETS = $19.90

Editor Sam McChesney

Deputy Editor Zane Pocock

SUB Editor Sarah Macindoe Technical Editor 24 Sam Clark FEATURE

Designer 24 | Blood Donation and Gay Probation Daniel Blackball

If those filthy Aussies can have equitable blood donation laws, why can’t we? Dr. Nick takes a look ad designer at the barriers to blood donation that gay men still face in New Zealand today. Nick Guthrie

FEATURE WRITER Ines Shennan FEATUREs

NEws Team Thomas Raethel, Claudia Herron, 28 | The Great Annual Critic Jamie Breen, Josie Cochrane, BYO Review Jack Montgomerie, Bella Macdonald Taking one for the team, Ines Shennan bravely volunteered for Critic’s annual culinary foray SECTION EDITORS to find Dunedin’s best BYO restaurant for the Rosie Howells, Charlotte Doyle, discerning student palate. Lucy Hunter, Kirsty Dunn, Baz Macdonald, Basti Menkes, Raquel Moss, Tristan Keillor 32 | Me and My Genome Genomics offers incredible new possibilities in Contributors 08 preventive medicine, and it is now possible to Jacobin, Guy McCallum, news have one’s genome sequenced for under $100. Jessica Bromell, Dr. Nick, But how much do we really want to know about Lindsey Horne, Alex Wilson, 08 | DCC Shafts Students ourselves, and is this information safe? Lindsey Tamarah Scott, Jonny Mahon-Heap, Despite Withdrawing Poll Horne investigates M and G, Hannah Twigg, The Dunedin City Council has scrapped Campbell Ecklein plans to introduce a polling booth on news campus during the upcoming local body elections. 09 | Shit System to Be Made Less Shit

planetmedia.co.nz Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication 11 | Alt Pub Just A Bit Too [email protected] do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Breezy Ankles Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and P.O. Box 1436, Dunedin | (03) 479 then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press 5335 [email protected] | critic.co.nz Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, 18 | NZUSA in the Toilet PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.

4 | Issue 21 | Critic EDITORIAL

here’s a great scene in season five of Studies department kicked up a fuss, arguing students to think critically,” or “equipping them The Wire in which journalists at the that this undermined their own programme, with the skills needed to succeed in the job mar- T Baltimore Sun are discussing an up- and the Politics department was forced to drop ket,” or some other suitably vague words to coming series on poverty in the city. The the content. obscure the fact that it’s bloody hard to find a paper’s veteran journalists begin to point out job after graduating. the complex web of factors that contribute to Putting aside the obvious problem here, the poverty – education, parenting, drugs, nutrition, gender studies people were right, to an extent In reality, “specialisation” is meaningless: race – but the editor wants a narrower, more – if people can learn feminist thought under the the humanities simply train students to view accessible piece that captures “the Dickensian umbrella of politics, many prospective gender the world through certain lenses. If you study aspect” of poverty. studies students will study politics instead, and economics, you will see market forces at work the department may lose students (and funding). everywhere, and will often think in terms of The scene encapsulates the way in which ex- But by the same token, many politics students, freedom, choice, and rational self-interest. If tremely complex issues become oversimpli- if exposed to feminist thought, could then be you study politics, particularly at Otago, you will fied in the public consciousness, often with the inspired to take more gender studies papers. come out of it a Marxist, a liberal in the Anglo- media’s help. After all, there’s only so much we American tradition, or a somewhat confused can take in, and if we want a properly nuanced mixture of the two. If you take gender stud- understanding of a particular field, we can study ies, you will be a third-wave feminist. If you it at university. study law, you will be finicky and tend to miss the point. And yet, at the end of my politics degree I still don’t really know the first thing about poverty Not only have these graduates been trained to (although along the way someone probably told think in these particular, discrete ways, they me it was all the fault of the bourgeoisie). At have been made to believe that they have been the very least, understanding poverty requires enlightened in the process. This is true to an a loose grasp of sociology, geography, politics, extent – all of these ways of thinking have some psychology, and economics. Some gender stud- value – but it also narrows the student’s mind ies would also come in handy when it comes as all other, “inferior” ways of thinking are whit- to the issue of higher fertility among lower tled away over the course of his or her degree. socio-economic groups. And the editor in The Marxists are particularly bad at this, reflexively Wire was right, in a way – in order to under- blaming everything on the class system and stand poverty as more than a mere collection of twisting the evidence to suit their worldview. facts, perhaps one must indeed be stirred by the I thought this was a good idea. Dickensian aspect. This would require a smat- That’s humanities for you. This applies to other divisions – science and tering of English in lieu of real-life experience. commerce both train their graduates to think Does anybody graduate from Otago with this The problem is that this won’t happen unless it’s in a certain way. This can often leave them range of learning? easy and practical for students to sample papers narrow-minded and with a set of entrenched from a range of different departments without prejudices, not to mention an unfairly dim view Poverty is just an example, and an extreme one slowing down their degrees. And quite obviously, of the humanities. But in each case, there’s an at that; due to the ring-fencing of humanities it isn’t. There are only three non-politics papers obvious rationale for specialising. In order to subjects, it’s entirely possible to finish a politics that can be credited to a politics degree; take a make a meaningful contribution to the sciences, degree without knowing what rape culture is, or range of non-politics papers (as I did) and your you need to think empirically; in order to be how supply and demand curves work, or why degree ends up taking forever. We shouldn’t successful businessperson, you need a busi- “natural” is not the same as “good.” blame the Gender Studies department for getting ness-oriented mind. But I fail to see the point uppity – we should blame the Humanities divi- in flooding the market with Marxists and third- Despite my repeated (and, as a politics graduate, sion for impeding a more collaborative approach wave feminists when these graduates have no inevitable) use of politics as an example, this between its subjects. other strings to their bow. isn’t a problem with politics specifically. It’s a problem with the humanities, and the way the I know it’s a bit rich to say that the humanities Humanities Division designs many of its courses. The traditional rationale for this ring-fencing is should be more wishy-washy, but I would have “specialisation.” Specialisation is important for liked to have learned more economics, commu- The Division does not encourage an interdis- entering the job market, or something. However, nications, feminism, sociology and philosophy ciplinary approach, and as a result turf wars with the widening access to tertiary education, during my degree, and I suspect many others break out when departments try to broaden their the humanities have long since dropped this would too. scope. A few years ago, the Politics department rationale in relation to bachelor degrees. In order wanted to start teaching some feminist thought to claim specialist status, you need a Master’s or -Sam McChesney in one of its undergraduate papers. The Gender better. A bachelor degree is more about “training

Critic | Issue 21 | 5 NLEETTERSWS [email protected]

Next ... a petting zoo What? Yes. Dear Sir, Dear Critic. It is pleasing to see that the university has Can I just say something. I have a mate finally got their priorities in order. With rising named Mr Mustard because he wears a foul fees, falling enrolment, and a government cut- looking mustard shirt every day. Is it alright ting research funds, they have found the perfect to call him a fuckwit? Or should I tell him to solution by building a fucking visitor centre. I uppercut himself. Letter of the week was under the impression that students were the number one clientèle but apparently tourists Thanks again are the new cash cow. Diddlehole The letter of the week wins a $25 book Harlene’s case for having no money or space voucher from the University Book Shop. to upgrade teaching facilities seems somewhat Absurdly long letter recives ab- less compelling when she builds an entire new surdly long heading to highlight shop dedicated to selling overpriced coffee mugs the absurdity of this absurd state Ringworm WebMD with a photo of the clock tower on them. of affairs. In future we would ad- Dear Critic, Is the shop in the link really doing such a vise writers to keep their letters When my flatmates suggested that I roaring trade as to justify another tacky gift to 200 words. But, we had some might have ringworm I thought I should shop? space. So bask in it. probably get it checked out. After waiting Dear Critic, over an hour for my appointment as I Sincerely, I really enjoyed how you brought Foucault in was reassigned from a nurse to a doctor, Peter the conversation in your Big Brothers-At-Arms I was becoming more and more open to feature, and brought up the idea that norms ar- the idea of an infectious skin disease. A Thieving Illegal Rape Revue en’t just something for the “ignorant mass,” but few minutes into my appointment I heard Sup Law Revue, how “academically gifted twats” can have it to. Marimba vibrating from the doctor’s bag Why so rapey? And don’t tell me it was some Did you know that the Intelligence agen- and she said “I need to take this” and I be- in-joke about some Professor who used to get cies in the U.S prior to 9/11 knew full-well that gan to imagine the situations her kid, the friendly with students, or that it was just a larf, Al-Qaeda was planning to carry out an attack artist of the masterpieces on the walls, or that I’m taking this the wrong way - too many against the public, and it was more a policy/ must have got themselves into. That girls got groped, touched and slagged off by the media failure? [1] (that’s a link to an academic was until she said “I am more of a one boys for no tangible reason. That “Blurred Lines” journal, not a conspiracy site). hair dresser type of girl” and that “3.15 sketch was the most outrageously offensive But as you have shown, it is scary to think is fine”. Excusing her conversation with thing I’ve ever seen on stage (and that’s includ- of the government having so much power over “my hairdresser has a migraine” whilst ing a sober viewing of “Puppetry of the Penis” our lives. Yet at the same time, if we refuse these I’m still waiting for my diagnosis. Still and a fair few Capping Shows). You had a chance security policies, we do have to give up a lot of unsure of wtf is on my arm but at least to give us some witty comment on rape trials security. they have their appointments prioritised. and their portrayal in the media but instead Now, a typical response may to throw out a you had barely-dressed girls waving signs like bullshit quote like “If you give up your freedom Sticking to the internet from now on. “#you’refucked” and “#nomeansyes”. I heard a for safety, you don’t deserve either one” from rumour that you’re going to make that sketch Franklin, but I’m pretty sure a) Franklin isn’t into a video. Please do, so the rest of the world aware of our current technology and terrorism, Vagina Kerfuffle can tear you to shreds publicly, and maybe then and b) the people who had to decide between Dear Critic, you’ll realise that it’s not just one person ‘taking being burned alive in the Twin Towers or jumping I recently did not read a movie review about it the wrong way’ probably would have something to say about the documentary Pussy Riot, but I heard from PS Directly stealing a Capping Show video that. Not saying all security policies are great, somebody else that had likewise heard from sketch from 2010? Are you nuts? Good luck for but it would have been nice if you reflected on somebody else that this Josef Alton or whatever next year, hope you find some original material this harsh dilemma more in depth than just “Big his stupid name is came off sounding like a real and something worth writing about. Evil Brother is out to get you/ fight back against intellectual asshole. I’m seriously sick of you The System”( I guess that probably sells, though). guys letting postgrads dig their soft buttery Chur, Another example is in China, where it is hands into stories that they’ll only screw up N. Guy commonly seen as socially “patriotic” to pro- and miss the point by due to their obsession test against Japan, and push China into military with overanalyzing shit until it doesn’t make LETTERS POLICY sense anymore. Letters should be 200 words or fewer. Deadline is Thursday at 5pm. Send letters to [email protected], post them to PO Box 1436, Dunedin, or drop into Sincerely yours, the Critic office. All letters must include full contact details, even if you don’t want these printed. Letters of a serious nature directly addressing a specific person or group will not be published under a pseudonym, except in extraordinary circumstances negotiated with the Editor. Critic reserves the right Josef Alton to edit, abridge or decline letters without explanation. We don’t fix the spelling or grammar in letters. If a writer looks stupid, it’s because they are.

6 | Issue 21 | Critic [email protected] LETTERSNEWS nationalism. But obviously the public can’t let Corporate Sellouts annoying tourists? I also vote less of that Sam “The Man” get in the way, or more daringly, try Dear Critic, McChesney fellow. Sometimes when I am all control our liberty!- oppressive pigs! See the Vice just published an article about alone, I touch myself with your sexy pages while problem? Freedom doesn’t stop us being free Polyamory. Nice to see you beat them to some- I masturbate. to say/do stupid shit collectively. thing for once! Now, time to buy 5% of your Regarding another point you made: is company. <3 LG “Dunners Babe of the Day” really a group of people trying to appear as the “dominant” cultural Sincerely, Dearest ‘LG’, norm? Although some aspects are cultural, a lot Rupert Murdoch I am flattered by your moderately stalkerish of those things woman/men are appealing to is ways. Please find an image for personal use biological. Unless you think humans progressed See this week’s “ODT Watch” below. x into modern culture with a blank slate empty of Dear Critic, any biological impulses. Somehow we accept our Please bring back your sports coverage. bodies want food/water, but when it comes to sex, it MUST be from an oppressive culture!?? But Yours Sincerely, i guess someone could quote a Pseudoscience No one response about how biology has actually been dominated by the patriarchy as if men/women See this week’s “Love is Blind” aren’t even the same human beings and can’t Dear Critic, say anything back because the subject is too Please bring back “Debatable.” “hot” to touch. That would suck, and your magazine has to prioritise popularity above intent to Yours Sincerely, sell. Ironic how the media, a source for liberty, No one (again) is restricted in those ways. Do you think people appeal to some of those Waffles AND Patchworking! Heck! norms for approval? Think of Books like Twilight Dear Critic, and Fifty Shades of Grey - huge best sellers Have you tried Hekia’s waffles? She makes though shit novels - BUT they were about the them at the trans-continental hotel and they’re relations of women with attractive, dominant really damn good. Probably the best waffles I’ve and powerful/sexual men. The awkward truth ever had, particularly when she serves them with is there can be comfort in oppression, because fresh dragonfruit. Also patchworking! The Union foodcourt has oppression is correlated with the power to be Love, gender-neutral microwaves for oppressed, and power can offer security (some Hekia your eating pleasure ... Foucault right back at you!) It’s hogwash to be- Dear Critic, lieve women read over 1000+ pages because Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam I’m an avid fan of two minute noodles and they needed...approval? whaaat? My dearest Critic, just because I don’t have a baby or female I cant That Sam Clark is a beautiful human being. get boiling water or a microwave anywhere [1] http://bit.ly/17lpzkQ You should put more pictures of him in the mag- in the link. Womens room!? Wheres the mens azine so I have something to gaze at longingly room!? Sincerely, while reading your magazine on the shitter. Maximus Decimus Meridius Can we go to somewhere on an island with no And I’m not putting the seat down!

RETRACTION The last issue ofCritic contained a review of Lex’s coffee, in which serious personal attacks were made against Lex. Critic apologises unreservedly for publishing these statements, and offers a full retractionHells-Contra-P1-BW.pdf of any personal accusations, 2whether 24/07/13 explicit or4:59 implied, PM against Lex. The comments were made in jest, and should not be taken to imply anything about Lex’s true character or motivations.

Critic has 10 tickets to Paranoia toMY give away courtesy of StudioCanal! CY Keep an eye on Critic facebook page on Monday to be in to win. CMY CALL 0800 666 111

K Critic | Issue 21 | 7 NEWS DCC Shafts Students Despite Withdrawing Poll

by Sam McChesney

he Dunedin City Council has scrapped “I think it is disappointing that there won’t be a “[Hernandez] is in a difficult position fulfilling plans to introduce a polling booth on polling booth on campus,” Hawkins told Critic. “I his obligations as a student leader while at the T campus during the upcoming local body think it’s a very easy way for them to capture a same time campaigning for another job as a city elections. The returning officer, Pam Jordan, made large percent of this city’s population who tradi- leader, and it’s a shame that that conflict seems the decision after concerns were raised that the tionally don’t participate in local body elections. to have spelled the end of the voting booth,” booth could give the appearance of favouritism … it seems like a missed opportunity to engage Hawkins said. toward OUSA President Francisco Hernandez, the student population in the local body process.” who is a candidate for the Central Ward. The booth had not become public knowledge when the decision was made to pull it. This Hernandez is not the only candidate with ties was primarily because OUSA wished to enrol to OUSA. Aaron Hawkins, a candidate for the as many students as possible, and were afraid mayoralty and Central Ward, is an employee that the availability of an on-campus polling of OUSA subsidiary Planet Media; and Students booth would make students less motivated to for Environmental Action Co-President Letisha register in the traditional manner. Consequently, Nicholas, who is also standing for Central Ward, the announcement was to be delayed until after has been door-knocking as part of OUSA’s the registration period had closed. campaign to enrol students to vote. However, Hernandez’s role in negotiating the Memorandum This appears to have backfired; both Hawkins of Understanding (MOU) with the DCC, which laid and OUSA figures believe that had the booth the platform for the booth to be introduced, was been announced before Hernandez declared cited by sources a major reason for the decision. his candidacy, the booth would not have been scrapped. However, Hernandez disagrees. Hernandez was understandably upset by the decision, and dismissed suggestions that his “They probably would have pulled it anyway,” involvement in negotiating the MOU had given he said. “Would it really have mattered if we’d rise to a potential conflict of interest. declared [the booth] in March or April? I think they still would have pulled it if I had stood. “What does that have to do with anything?” And if I had known they were going to do this, Hernandez demanded. “I was doing that in the I can say unequivocally that I would not have context of my role as OUSA President, well before stood for Council. I would have just been con- I was a declared candidate, or even thinking tent to go to NZUSA [the New Zealand Union of of becoming a declared candidate, and if I had “I think it is disappointing Students’ Associations].” known in any way that my candidacy would that there won’t be a affect it I would not have stood as Councillor.” Despite the setback, OUSA will still be working polling booth on campus with the DCC to help students cast special votes The booth was to be placed in the Link during … it seems like a missed as easily as possible, and an OUSA spokesper- the last week of the election’s ridiculous six- son said that he could understand the decision. week voting period, and was to help students opportunity to engage the “From the outside, and from other candidates’ cast special votes. Special votes are available to student population in the perspectives, it would have looked unfair.” those who have missed the registration deadline, local body process.” which closed on 15 August. Before making her decision, Jordan consulted with the Electoral Commission in Wellington, who The decision means the only polling booth for the Hawkins believes that Hernandez had been recommended the booth be pulled. However, election will be located at the DCC offices. Other “scapegoated” in the decision, and pointed out Hawkins questions whether this process was polling booths around Dunedin have been aban- that the DCC had a poor record when it came to particularly meaningful. doned after enjoying limited uptake in previous engaging students in the political process. “The elections. However, the campus booth – which Dunedin City Council don’t seem to have any real “That’s a really hard decision for someone in was to be the first of its kind – was argued to presence on campus at any stage, which I think Wellington to make, who perhaps doesn’t under- be a special case given the unique nature of the is a contributing factor to the lack of student stand the demographic or the Otago University student demographic. participation in local government. calendar,” he predicted.

8 | Issue 21 | Critic NEWS Shit System to Be Made Less Shit

By Thomas Raethel

he Performance-Based Research Fund “Compliance costs are high for the six-yearly is set to undergo changes in an effort to quality evaluation component of the PBRF, T save time and reduce compliance costs $250 million which accounts for 60 per cent of the funding. for researchers. In a 26 August press release, Current PBRF scheme value However, the research degree completion and Minister for Tertiary Education, Skills and external research income components, which Employment, Steven Joyce, confirmed that a are evaluated annually through institutional review is underway. $300 million returns, have very low compliance costs.” Proposed PBRF scheme value The Government plans to increase investment Blaikie acknowledged the time-consuming in the PBRF scheme from $250 million to $300 nature of PBRF rounds. “For the quality evalu- million per annum by 2016 or 2017. $53 million ation, the time required for academic and general PBRF funds awarded to staff to prepare evidence portfolios, enter and To make sure that the Government gets “the University of Otago in 2013 verify research publication data and meet other best value possible for this investment,” sever- submission requirements has also grown in al objectives have been outlined. The research recent rounds, so we support the principle of assessment process is to be simplified, reduc- 20.34% the current review to seek ways to reduce both ing costs and saving time. Universities will Percentage of total PBRF funds the financial costs and time-consuming nature be encouraged to employ and invest in new awarded to Otago in 2013 of the exercise.” researchers. Particular emphasis will be placed on universities that attract research income from Addressing Otago University’s probable par- non-government investors. ticipation in the review process, Blaikie stated 2003 that “views from the University community” First year of PBRF scheme According to Joyce, the PBRF’s purpose is to “re- would be consulted. This would include “indi- ward and encourage excellent tertiary education viduals, academic departments and schools, research by assessing research quality, allocat- and service divisions.” ing funding based on results, and publishing 0 Number of PBRF system reviews in the information on research performance.” He added Blaikie criticised the PBRF’s efforts in 2012, admit- that the fund “supports the Government’s wider past decade ting that the process was “more time-consuming science and innovation objectives by supporting and cumbersome than it should have been. research that provides and develops new talent.” University of Wellington took this approach in the latest round of PBRF, and ended up topping “Other flaws or potential improvements, which The PBRF awarded the University of Otago $53 two of the four measures of research quality. may be related to specific technical aspects of million for 2013. This amounted to 20.34 per the process or discipline-specific issues, will be cent of total PBRF funding, 10.32 per cent less Otago’s Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Research raised through the internal discussions that are than was awarded to the University of Auckland. and Enterprise, Richard Blaikie, agrees that currently being held in response to this consul- adjustments to the PBRF may be necessary. tation document.” The fund has been accused of facilitating an aca- “The PBRF has been in place for a decade now, demic culture that encourages research at the ex- so a review is timely.” OUSA President Francisco Hernandez supports pense of teaching. Among its critics is Associate the move, but has called for a similar fund to Professor Gordon Sanderson, the recipient of John Regarding the University’s participation in the encourage excellence in teaching. “Funding Key’s $30,000 Supreme Tertiary Teaching Award. review, Blaikie added that “students and the for research is always good, but we think there After receiving his award earlier this year, he OUSA should also be encouraged to consider should be a PBTF; some sort of performance told lecturers that “[Otago] University is not very submitting their views into the process either based teaching fund that incentivises, encour- enthusiastic about teaching.” formally or informally by talking to the staff ages and rewards good teaching. members,” as “one of the purposes of the PBRF is The PBRF has also been accused of incentivising to support world-leading research-led teaching “Good teachers lead to good research, as they creative accounting on the part of universities, and learning at degree and postgraduate levels.” inspire and encourage people to go on to post- who in the past have often drawn up contracts graduate work. The link between them is quite in order to maximise the amount of research Blaikie addressed the issue of compliance clear. We don’t know why the government isn’t occurring during the PBRF review period. Victoria costs associated with the PBRF in particular. doing more to incentivise good teaching.”

Critic | Issue 21 | 9 NEWS Late Crate Debate Suffocates After Eight Great Speight’s-Fuelled Dates With Mates “It’s Fate,” Says Kate.

By Claudia Herron

cknowledging the “harmful drinking this year, Critic reported that members of OUDS society.” Prowess aside, the event’s background culture in New Zealand,” the Otago had gatecrashed an Audacious event in order to is hazy, largely due to the inebriated state of A University Debating Society (OUDS) will make off with Audacious’ alcohol supply, a stunt those involved in the annual moot. Topical is- “no longer sanction” the infamous Crate Debate. for which they later had to apologise. sues covered in the past include Don Brash and The decision, which has been kept under wraps, whether 1995 was “the Bain of the New Zealand first came to Critic’s attention after moderators 2013 has seen OUDS successfully win their bid to fashion industry.” deleted a comment attacking the decision on an host the “Australs” (the Australasian Intervarsity OUDS Facebook post. Debating Championships), thanks in part to a The event’s demise will also see the end of “com- grant of $25,000 from the Vice-Chancellor. petitive adjudicating,” in which spectators formed Although this may be seen as OUDS surrendering However, Hunt assured Critic that the decision groups of three and competed to finish a bottle to Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne’s anti-alcohol to cancel the Crate Debate was considered at the of wine, the winners being awarded the right to warpath, OUDS President Paul Hunt assured Critic start of 2013, before the society had “even signed decide the judgment. One debater described the that there had been no communication between an agreement with the University.” tradition as “usually excellent.” the group and the University over the decision. Rather, according to Hunt, OUDS simply “cannot Informally organised in 2005 and first held in When Critic sought comment from the University sanction events which promote binge drinking.” a flat on Grange Street, the Crate Debate was regarding OUDS’s withdrawal from the event, the the brainchild of Jono Willis who, according to University denied knowing that the Crate Debate The announcement is particularly surprising sources, was “an incredibly smart young man” ever existed. given OUDS’ reputation for heavy drinking. Earlier who “filed through every willing female in the

Forsyth Barr Stadium May Be Sinking

by Irrelevant Irvine and Cordwainer Bird

ritic has been informed by “people in the subject, would you like to come and have your make so much sense!” the know” that Dunedin’s Forsyth Barr photo taken with the Ranfurly Shield?” C Stadium is sinking on its foundations. Critic also spoke with a Generation Zero spokes- It is understood that Councillor Bill Acklin decided person, who said that “this is a common problem Built on reclaimed land, which requires build- not to run for council again after learning of the in the developed world. Building up is bringing ings to have floating foundations, it is believed issues, having been an ardent supporter of the us down, man! that when steel was added to the monstrous notorious money drain. Then again, unconfirmed construction it immediately began to sink. This reports suggest that Acklin was drunk when he “With global sea levels falling, this was always has resulted in cracks throughout the concrete voted for the stadium, and further unconfirmed going to happen on floating foundations.” flooring, some as wide as 0.5m, and Speight’s reports suggest that Acklin is, in fact, drunk of swappa-crates being used to prop up the all the time. No injuries have been reported, although one ailing structure. North East Valley child is believed to have gone “I was wondering why I was slipping so easily missing while visiting with his babysitter. DCC A DCC spokesperson told Critic, “I can state cate- at the Illuminate Paint Party,” one student told officials plan to begin searching somewhere gorically that the stadium is not sinking. Well, not Critic when she heard. “I mean, I know paint’s beneath the Earth’s crust, as they concede that much. Nice weather we’re having. While we’re on slippery and all, but an angle in the floor would there are “lots of gaps” in the area.

10 | Issue 21 | Critic NEWS

Alt Pub Just A Bit Too Breezy Ankles

By Jamie Breen

ast week was difficult for the bar Mou According to the Sale of Liquor Act 1989 and the police revealed that the bar was not sell- Very. The local watering hole for sweaty the new Sale and Supply of Alcohol Act 2012, a ing adequate food. McCoy argued that such Lhipsters faced a public hearing last certified manager is required on site to ensure requirements were unreasonable as, given the Wednesday after failing to meet the liquor li- compliance with the Acts’ requirements, par- size of the bar, the kitchen could not cope with censing requirements. ticularly those regarding the sale of alcohol to such demand, but this only exacerbated police minors and intoxicated persons. When asked to concern over her suitability for a licence. Mou Very was originally granted a temporary comment, McCoy responded that the manager’s licence in February in order to allow the bar certificate is “just a piece of paper.” When the day of the hearing arrived, however, to operate while an application for a perma- it was announced that the meeting had been nent licence was considered. However, owner However, the DCC's liquor licensing project officer, cancelled. Mechen informed Critic that “the Madeleine McCoy continued to apply for tempo- Kevin Mechen, stressed the importance of having company has made sufficient changes to the rary licences rather than a permanent one. The a manager on site. “With an alcohol licence comes company structure to satisfy the Police and third time this happened, police recommended a lot of responsibility, so in the process of gaining Licensing instructor to negate the need for the that the application be rejected. a manager’s certificate, one must successfully hearing. complete a course covering the alcohol-related Breaches of legal requirements and the lack of legislation and host responsibility.” “They [Mou Very] will be consulting with the a duty manager on site led to a public hearing Police and licensing inspector and then will get a being organised to debate renewing the bar’s The bar was also found to be in breach of the new temporary authority.” This will be followed liquor licence. Act in other respects. A compliance check by by the bar getting a licence of its own.

Critic | Issue 21 | 11 12 | Issue 21 | Critic NEWS

Rather Nice Automobile Discovered

By Josie Cochrane

1922 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost has been Harford, was later convicted for defrauding the after making some purchases with suitcases of discovered inside a container at Port board to the tune of $16.9 million. cash. He is believed to have spent $11.6 million A Otago’s Dunedin container yard. The on top-end cars, boats and properties. Rolls-Royce, found earlier this month, has never Critic spoke to a car dealer who is involved with been registered in New Zealand, and it is yet to be the case but wishes to remain anonymous. Swann was released on parole to a Christchurch confirmed whether the original body remains in “We sold many cars to him. He was a high flyer address last month, having served only four years place. Even in its current state, the vehicle could and money was never a problem. Trouble is it and eight months of his nearly 10 month sentence be worth up to a quarter of a million dollars. wasn’t his, it was everybody else’s money,” the and still owing nearly $6 million in DBH funds. dealer said. Consequently, many patients are left facing de- Marketed towards owner-drivers in the 1920s, the layed surgeries and general medical care whilst Silver Ghost became popular with the growing Between 2000 and 2006, Sonnford Solutions, an Swann moves in to a friend’s luxury $1 million professional middle class of doctors, solicitors IT services company founded by Harford, made home, complete with indoor swimming pool. and businessmen. With a six-cylinder engine and out 198 invoices – to the sum of $16.9 million – capacity of 3,127cc, the cars had a maximum speed to the Otago DHB for services never provided. Detective Senior Sergeant John Ferguson told of 62 miles per hour (or 100 kilometres per hour). Harford retained 10 per cent of the $16.9 million, Critic that “we are applying to court to have the The last batch of Silver Ghosts was built in 1927. whilst the remaining 90 per cent was transferred car confiscated as part of the pecuniary penalty to Swann or to entities he controlled. order of $6 million which was made against The Rolls-Royce is believed to be linked to Swann.” This means any assets found to have fraudster Michael Swann. Swann was the Chief Swann was on a salary of $145,000, but received been purchased using criminal funds may be Information Officer of the Otago District Health an average additional income of $43,000 a week seized, and the Rolls-Royce could potentially be Board until 2006, when he was fired for “gross from his dirty deeds with Otago DHB. Over the six auctioned off to the public some time in the future. mismanagement.” Swann, along with Kerry years, Swann earnt the nickname “money-bags”

Jacobin Encourages Lawlessness

OPINION by Jacobin

young man who is a friend of theirs The young man indicated to his friends that he We live in a truly transient world. We will all has cancer in the spine. He is just would love to try medical marijuana in edible die. Our lives have value; seize it while you can. A over twenty years old, is experienc- form. He understood the legal risks but wanted I am within a metre of graduating with a law ing extreme nausea, and is in the late stages to exercise his freedom and dignity. His desire degree and I absolutely encourage the breaking of the condition. I don’t really know who he is, presumably stemmed from a lack of appetite and of unjust laws. I will do it throughout my life, and but we share mutual friends and I know he is regular wanting to puke – I can only imagine I will deliver. a brother of mine. We are all brothers in our having the joy of food slowly taken away. guaranteed deaths. The Misuse of Drugs Act, which deals with med- Marijuana is perfect for lessening these symp- ical marijuana, is one such unjust law. I will do I am not a particular fan of priests or theology. toms (it sparks an appetite in almost everyone!), what I can for my brother despite the law and any Being a materialist, I tend only to think in terms and there is little risk of negative interaction with risk it could pose to me. There is no “if” about it: I of what I can see right here in this world. How medications. For some, it even induces a calm acquired an ounce of high-grade marijuana and much pain can I reduce? What could I actually introspection that makes staring down death I am overseeing the process of making it into do of value for this young man? just that little bit easier. edibles. It will be delivered. I will deliver.

Critic | Issue 21 | 13 NEWS Otago Sciences Less Valuable Than Waikato’s, says MBIE

By Zane Pocock ODT Attempts Themed Issue

cience and Innovation Minister Steven “There is conflict between the use of insecticides By Sam McChensey Joyce last Wednesday announced the to protect our crops and the damage these in- S 51 research projects from around New secticides cause to beneficial insects such as here was but one thing on the ODT’s Zealand that will be funded in this year’s $278 bees. One way to solve this problem is the de- brilliant and incisive journalistic mind million Ministry of Business, Innovation and velopment of insect-killing genetically modified T last week, and no, it wasn’t Syria. On 29 Employment (MBIE) science investment round. plants, but here in New Zealand there is public August, this was the front page: disquiet over such an approach,” Dearden’s The University of Otago is “disappointed” to proposal said. see a 85.6 per cent ($11.3 million) drop from the $13.2 million it received last year, putting “Here we propose to begin the process of de- this year’s total at only $1.9 million for just two veloping the next generation of insecticides, different projects. ones that are effective against pests, but have no effect on bees.” In comparison, the University of Auckland received $17 million, the highest of any university. Dr. Monica Gerth and Dr. Wayne Patrick’s The University of Waikato and Massey University “Manufacturing molecules through enzyme also received more funding than Otago. engineering” aims to “enable bio-manufacturing of key industrial chemicals,” and received Considering that “a number” of the University its $1 million in backing from the High Value This was the front page of the next section: of Otago’s projects were “very well rated by the Manufacturing and Services Research Fund. referees,” Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Research and Enterprise Professor Richard Blaikie said Gerth and Patrick’s research seeks “to develop the University was disappointed to see only two new bio-manufacturing processes for two chem- of them receive funding. icals (butanone and 2-butanol) that are currently produced from petroleum.” These chemicals are “What we gained in new contracts next year key ingredients in paints, varnishes, adhesives more than compensates for what MBIE contracts and the rubber used in car tyres. we have coming off. It’s [a] net positive, but not as good a result as we would have hoped for,” Concluding that “this research has the potential Professor Blaikie says. to establish NZ as a centre of the global green chemical market, which is projected to grow In terms of the two projects that were funded, from $2.8 billion in 2011 to $98.5 billion in 2020,” Blaikie said that “it is exciting to see this sig- it seems likely that their optimism was key in This was the front page of the sports section: nificant support for innovative Otago research ensuring their success. proposals that have great potential to benefit both our economy and environment.”

Both of the funded projects came out of the $13.2 million Department of Biochemistry and fit into the University of Otago’s 2012 MBIE funding “Smart Ideas” category, designed to promote and support “research into novel, promising ideas that can create benefit for New Zealand.” $1.9 million And this was the rest of the newspaper: University of Otago’s 2013 MBIE funding

Receiving $920,000 from the Biological Industries Fund, Associate Professor Peter Dearden’s investigation into “selective insecticides” aims to $17 million University of Auckland 2013 MBIE funding develop new bee-friendly insecticides.

14 | Issue 21 | Critic NEWS

Money Thrown at Peace And Conflict Centre “Not the Cause of All Problems After All,” Centre Admits

By Josie Cochrane

n anonymous $500,000 donation has conditions are required for sustainable peace. has received two additional anonymous dona- been made to the University of Otago’s They also provide advice to government and tions (sent through the Centre’s own Trust) of A National Centre for Peace and Conflict non-governmental organisations engaged in $500,000 each, and $570,000 from the Global Studies. Centre Director Professor Kevin Clements peace-building. Futures Centre Trust. These donations have also said that the donor, an Auckland businessman, been used to fund faculty positions and doctoral does not want personal recognition. The money will be used to turn a temporary scholarships. lecturing position into a permanent position “He believes very strongly in the importance focused on peace education, and to extend a The donations have allowed the Centre to expand of peace education and learning as important postdoctoral fellowship on the economics of from one professor, a personal assistant and factors in the generation of peaceable citizens war and peace. “As the world shrinks [due to] no students to five tenured faculty members, and a peaceful world. His wife is a graduate of global communications and transportation, it is one postdoctoral fellow, a Centre administrator, this University and both of them feel that Otago essential that we work out ways in which we can 25 PhD students, 13 Master’s students and 19 is the right place for this National Centre for Peace learn to live together in an increasingly shrinking postgraduate diploma students. and Conflict Studies.” planet,” Prof Clements explained. The Centre was quick to mention that they are Since 2010 the department has taught post- The Centre has heavily relied on donations always open to further financial support from graduate programmes at the Master’s and PhD in its four-year history to carry out research benefactors, and that they hoped to eventually levels. The Centre conducts research into the on “some of the biggest challenges facing the support a staff member dedicated to arms control causes of social and political conflict and what world in the 21st century.” In the past, the Centre and disarmament.

The Final Exam of Our Lives

OPINION by Guy McCallum

here is no autopilot for freedom and become the masters of their own destinies. The dollar drop after the recent Wellington democracy. Perhaps it is this fact that earthquakes proves how shaky the ground is T should be taken for granted, instead of This relative tranquility and the seemingly upon which we stand. Anything can happen. the goods we derive from them. It’s hard to steady march of progress lull us into thinking imagine the end of the present way of life that that we’ll know when good things like freedom John Key won’t be Prime Minister in 20 years’ they make possible – too distant a possibility and democracy are at risk. By the time the issue time. Whether that’s a good thing or not depends to be credible. that will excuse the ending of our precious way on who comes next, and whether they use for of life surfaces, we will have missed all the subtle bad what Key built for (what he considers to be) But it’s like a final exam: it’s too late if you’re changes that allowed entry to the thief in the the preservation of the good. unprepared when the time arrives. night. What will it be? If or when laws like the GCSB and TICS We live in a country untouched by armed conflict The fiscal challenges in the United States, Amendment Bills are enacted, and when worries – since 1865 at least. Plague has not visited us which continue to undermine confidence in the contribute to instability here and abroad, we since 1918, and our fertile lands mean we have global economy, perhaps? China’s ban on New know that the final exams aren’t far off. Some never been struck by famine. Our weather is Zealand dairy exports, exposing our sensitivity leader pretending to have all the answers will be blustery at worst, and natural disasters are un- to international politics and downsizing our getting ready to take over, perhaps even in this common. There have been no violent revolutions economy, maybe? Our essential commodities country. There is no asking for an extension and or coups d’état in our nation’s history. With being consistently interrupted by an increas- no second chances. But there are last chances, every socially progressive step taken by our law ingly thoughtless corporate culture, brought on should you wish to seize the moment. and society, New Zealanders have increasingly by legal monopolies and careless regulation?

Critic | Issue 21 | 15 NEWS

Mosgiel Chainsaw Canister

By Thomas Raethel

six-hour standoff took place in the Armed Offenders Squad has failed to locate a on Great King Street with “no questions asked.” Mosgiel between police and a man who bag containing tear gas and spare canisters that As extensive inquiries into the disappearance A had locked himself in his garage with were taken to the scene. A police spokesperson have proven fruitless, an enquiry into what a running chainsaw. Critic is astounded at how said that “the bag [fell] from a vehicle in the vicini- happened is now taking place. long it took for the chainsaw to run out of fuel. ty of Street Andrew St and the Southern Motorway during an AOS callout to a domestic incident.” “An internal investigation is under way to After being called to a domestic incident on determine exactly how the error occurred Murray St at 8pm on 22 August, police were According to Inspector Greg Sparrow, the can- and to ensure it does not happen again,” forced to negotiate with the 30-year-old man, isters – labelled “FLAMELESS TRI-CHAMBER confirmed Sparrow. who had argued with neighbours prior to bar- CS” – pose no threat to the public if not tampered ricading hmself in his house. The man appeared with. The cartridges resemble large shotgun CS gas has recently been utilised by the Turkish in the Dunedin District Court the following day, shells, with distinctive blue text printed on a police in efforts to disperse protestors in Istanbul. charged with assault. shiny aluminium exterior. Inspector Sparrow Its effects can range from a mild watering of has urged anyone who finds the canisters to the eyes to vomiting, immobilisation and In an unexpected turn of events, as of 29 August return them to Dunedin Central Police Station temporary blindness.

16 | Issue 21 | Critic NEWS Acklin Calls It Quits After Nine Illustrious Years

By Jack Montgomerie

ecidivist drink driver, Elvis imperson- Acklin, now in his third term as a Councillor for was “a huge statement that this city is going ator and Dunedin City Councillor Bill the Central Ward, is one of seven incumbent forward.” Acklin also criticised the $47 million R Acklin has announced that he will not councillors who voted for the controversial cycle network which the DCC and New Zealand seek re-election when the city votes for its Forsyth Barr stadium, which cost the Council Transport Association are set to fund over the council in November. Cr. Acklin, whose busi- $162.7 million, has left the city with more than coming years, calling it a “pet project” of “a hand- ness dealings have previously left him owing $144 million of additional debt, and continues ful of people.” $190,000 to the Inland Revenue Department, to cost ratepayers $9.1 million annually to op- told the ODT he had chosen to put his three erate. Crs. Paul Hudson, John Bezett and Andrew Acklin says he will continue to manage Bill children and new partner before his civic role. Noone, who voted for the stadium spend, have Acklin Entertainments and work for Energy He also confirmed that a “turbulent private life, confirmed that they will stand for re-election Saving Centre, a company that may benefit at times played out in public,” was influential in November. from the passage of a local bill setting minimum in his decision. insulation standards for rental properties. Despite the massive stadium bill, Cr. Acklin told “Eventually, you sort of think ‘well, how difficult the ODT that he felt the covered sports pitch was Acklin would not rule out a future bid for council do I want to make my life?’” Acklin told the ODT. providing Dunedin with economic benefits, and or mayor.

Seven Visors Deemed Super

By Bella Macdonald

he OUSA 2013 Supervisor of the Year researching, guiding, proofing and submitting are no different. OUSA do not try to define what Awards were held on 26 August, with a student’s thesis. “These award recipients makes the perfect supervisor. One thing they T awards given to seven University of Otago represent the supervisors who stand out and have in common is that they are admired by supervisors. help students not only in their study but assist the people that they work with.” students in the directions their lives take after The role of the supervisor is to oversee and studying,” said Hernandez. Award winners were presented with certificates, support postgraduate students in the writing book vouchers and gift baskets. of their theses. Finalists for the awards were Dr Roslyn Kemp was announced as the overall selected based on student nominations. This Otago Supervisor of the Year for her exceptional The winner of New Supervisor of the Year was year there were 14 finalists. supervision in the fields of Microbiology and Associate Professor Jacinta Ruru from the Faculty Immunology. of Law. Special (Posthumous) Commemoration As part of the nomination process, students “are went to Dr. Tamar Murachver from Psychology. asked to say something about their supervisor. Winners were deemed to have demonstrated a Professor Stephen Duffull from the School of Some of the things that are written are quite consistent and exceptionally high level of com- Pharmacy received the Health Sciences Supervisor inspiring and carry weight with the committee,” mitment to the job. Tucker explained that “these award, and Professor Jörg Frauendiener received Matt Tucker, manager of the Student Support awards are given to those supervisors who have the Sciences Supervisor award for Mathematics Centre, told Critic. shown themselves to excel in the supervision and Statistics. Associate Professor Holger role, as judged by the esteem of their students.” Regenbrecht from Information Science won the OUSA President Francisco Hernandez affirmed Commerce Supervisor award. Finally, Dr. Chris the importance of the supervisor role, saying As for the criteria for finalists, Tucker noted that Rosin was awarded top Humanities Supervisor that “supervisors are key to the process of “students are a diverse bunch and supervisors for his work on sustainability. ARCHWAY SHOP Spend $50 or more* and go in the monthly GROUND FLOOR ISB LINK draw to y a plane (with an instructor) thanks to the Otago Aero Club.

*TO ENTER WRITE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER ON THE BACK OF YOUR RECEIPT AND GIVE TO ARCHWAY SHOP STAFF

Critic | Issue 21 | 17 NEWS NZUSA NZUSA in the Toilet Hernandez Not Yet Ready to Flush

by Sam McChesney

tudent presidents around the country fallen on particularly hard times. After the intro- raised, but blamed NZUSA’s political inaction on are calling for sweeping reforms to duction of Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) a lack of funding and clear communication from S the New Zealand Union of Students’ in 2012, NZUSA lost around $160,000 – just under its members. NZUSA’s budget line for campaigns Associations (NZUSA), after the Waikato a third of its total revenue – when its member is a whopping $0.00, so the union must secure Students’ Union (WSU) notified its withdrawal associations found themselves unable to afford one-off funding from its members whenever it from the organisation. their previous levies. wants to run a campaign.

In a press release circulated on 22 August, the Around this time, the union was also restruc- Hodkinson claimed that he had “put forward Presidents of OUSA, VUWSA and AUSA, the three tured. The two co-President positions were con- some proposals around campaigns over the last largest contributors of NZUSA funding, said they solidated into a single position, and the Executive couple of years,” but that these proposals had would propose a series of reforms at the NZUSA Director position created. The NZUSA Federal not “met with the degree of engagement that Congress, which will be held in early November. Executive, comprising every New Zealand stu- we’d need to back a full campaign.” However, These reforms include a more inclusive gover- dent president, was also scrapped in favour of McCourt and Hernandez both deny that any nance structure, a renewed focus on core ser- a nine-person board of directors. serious campaign proposals had been put to vices, and “a credible role in organising relevant, them by NZUSA. “Like Otago, like Auckland, national campaigns on issues that matter to The current President, Pete Hodkinson, was we’re happy to put up dollars if [NZUSA] want students.” The reforms are to be tabled imme- elected to the position at the end of 2011, after to run a campaign,” McCourt told Critic. “That diately prior to the NZUSA presidential election. serving as President of Unitec in Auckland. He hasn’t happened.” stood for re-election at the end of last year and, WSU President Aaron Letcher announced last despite running unopposed, was only elected Hodkinson admitted that while he has had little month that WSU would “temporarily withdraw” after a second round of voting was held. experience with running campaigns, the other from NZUSA, withholding its remaining 2013 association presidents were aware of this when membership fee of $10,000. Letcher cited val- they elected him. Without clear instructions or ue for money as the primary reason for with- Campaigns key performance indicators, Hodkinson said, drawing. The move, which was made without “expecting fireworks of revolution out of me is consulting Waikato students, was criticised by NZUSA, and Hodkinson in particular, have not necessarily standing to reason. VUWSA President Rory McCourt, OUSA President come under increasing fire in recent weeks Francisco Hernandez, and AUSA President Daniel after McCourt went public with his frustrations “I think that would have been much easier to Haines as a “rash and hasty decision.” over the union’s lack of political activity. In an engage with if that had been brought forward article published in Salient on 12 August, McCourt in this kind of way – and maybe not quite in Hernandez told Critic that the moves to reform claimed that NZUSA was failing to balance the this heated, public, intense way, but a lot more NZUSA had been “brewing for a long time,” but needs of its larger members with those of its directly, a lot earlier in the piece,” Hodkinson had only crystallised into a clear plan of action smaller ones. continued. “If there was more communication after the WSU withdrawal. Hernandez said that going through to the board, more communica- OUSA, VUWSA and AUSA were “seizing control Smaller associations, such as those from poly- tion coming directly through to NZUSA around of the reform process” away from WSU. technics, require basic core support from NZUSA. expectations, then that sort of thing is a lot easier Larger associations like OUSA, VUWSA and AUSA, for me to engage with. The fact that this has He confirmed that Letcher wished to remove which have the funds and organisational struc- come up quite late has made that difficult, but NZUSA Executive Director Alistair Shaw, and ture to provide core services, want NZUSA to not impossible.” convert the full-time President position into two provide a national voice and be a focal point for part-time co-President positions, to be filled by campaigns and lobbying. McCourt claimed that Daniel Haines defended Hodkinson’s record in Hernandez and McCourt for the remainder of Hodkinson, who came to the role as a former this respect. “I think people need to play to their 2013. Hernandez is known to harbour ambitions polytechnic students’ association president, had strengths, and he identified that [campaigns] for the role, but is currently preoccupied with “struggled to straddle that divide,” and did not wasn’t one of his strengths,” Haines told Critic. his OUSA duties and Dunedin City Council bid. share VUWSA’s vision. “And I don’t think any of the members who have been criticising him have been helpful in Although NZUSA has hardly been a paragon of Speaking to Critic, Hodkinson said that he agreed directing him or supporting him in what they excellence in years past, the union has recently “100 per cent” with the issues McCourt had expect him to do.”

18 | Issue 21 | Critic NZUSA NEWS

McCourt, however, thinks otherwise. “I don’t “The troika sounds Soviet”) hinted at their dis- Hernandez agrees that the subcommittee could need to send Pete an email to remind him that approval of NZUSA’s campaigns strategy when provide the template for a new national organi- he needs to meet with MPs and ministers, or to they formed their own campaigns subcommittee sation, but stressed that such a model was fragile push our agenda in terms of the real impact that earlier this year. and too dependent on the relationships between VSM is having here at Vic, or our concerns around individual presidents. loans and allowances,” he said. “It’s pretty basic While Haines claims that the subcommittee was stuff, and I don’t think it really requires that much not about circumventing the NZUSA board, and hands-on direction from students’ associations.” was set up to “add extra value” to the body, Can NZUSA Be Salvaged? Hernandez confirms that the subcommittee arose out of dissatisfaction with NZUSA. Although Along with VUWSA, OUSA is the second-largest The Board carried out beneath the umbrella of NZUSA, the contributor of NZUSA funding behind AUSA, pitch- subcommittee was, to all intents and purposes, ing in $45,000 annually. However, it currently “I think one of the biggest things that have come an entirely autonomous body that had no direct receives very little value in exchange. Hodkinson out of the last few weeks is a very clear need to interaction with the board. has visited Dunedin three times this year, twice look at how effectively the new board structure is as part of his Treasury-funded “Big Questions catering to the needs of students’ associations,” tour,” which has failed to achieve any meaningful Hodkinson said. “The communications gap has engagement with students. Hernandez “can’t been significant.” remember” what Hodkinson was doing during his third visit. Hodkinson also sits on the Fun Indeed, the board has appeared to act as some- Party, the OUSA governance review panel, which what of a roadblock. Instead of streamlining is slowly petering out into oblivion. NZUSA’s governance, it has acted as a buffer between Hodkinson and students’ association Hernandez claimed that OUSA needs the soli- presidents and allowed the former to blame his darity that NZUSA provides, and that without a lack of campaigning on poor communication. national body there would be little to stop the University from undermining and dismantling The board currently has five voting members: OUSA. When asked if $45,000 was a reasonable Hodkinson; Haines; Kent Lloyd, President of price to pay to stave off this vague and apoc- the Lincoln University Students’ Association alyptic scenario, Hernandez pointed out that (LUSA, lol); Rafaela Bolanos, President of the the figure represents less than two per cent of Christchurch Polytechnic Students’ Association OUSA’s total budget. (CPSA); and David Cuthbert, an independent board member. A sixth voting member, Tony Te VUWSA will hold a referendum on its continued Huia, President of Waiariki Institute of Technology membership to NZUSA after a request from one of Students’ Association (WITSA), stepped down its members. Hernandez confirmed that OUSA will earlier this year and is yet to be replaced. The be following suit, and a referendum will be held board meets around six times a year. NZUSA President Pete Hodkinson alongside the OUSA elections from 30 September to 3 October. However, the wording of the ref- While Haines has found board meetings “really Both Haines and Hernandez admit that the sub- erendum has yet to be worked out, and such a useful,” he also sympathised with the concerns committee enjoyed “mixed success.” “Individually referendum would also seem somewhat pointless that non-board members had raised. “I think as presidents, we were too busy to do much cam- while reforms to NZUSA are still on the table. the members of OUSA and VUWSA are calling for paigning. So it became more like a way to share reforms, and I think what they’re feeling is that resources,” Hernandez explained. When it was The consensus is that NZUSA can only be they’re locked out of the governance of NZUSA,” suggested that this sounded like little more than saved if it regains a credible political role. “The he said. “They don’t sit on the board and while a Google drive, Hernandez clarified that “it’s more irreplaceable thing about NZUSA is a national they’re notified of decisions, they don’t get to than a Google drive. It’s more like a chat room. … student voice,” Haines told Critic. “NZUSA has take an active part in making those decisions. ... It’s a social thing as well. We were going to go fringe benefits, like photocopy deals and plans They’re feeling like they’re not in control of NZUSA. skiing, but it never really happened.” Awww. that can collectively save us money if we work That’s certainly something that we should rectify.” together. But those fringe benefits shouldn’t While the Labour-aligned troika (sounds Soviet) be prioritised over the fact that nationally, we is understandably unwilling to portray it as should be doing campaigning stuff. Because if The Troika such, the subcommittee provides a model for a we’re not doing [campaigns], then we’re just like breakaway or post-NZUSA organisation. Should a service provider or providing cheap deals, and While Haines, Hernandez and McCourt are pub- NZUSA fall over, ad hoc groups could potentially that’s so far removed from why NZUSA exists licly saying slightly different things, the three spring up in its place. that we should just let it fall over because it isn’t (“you can call us the troika,” Hernandez said. providing what we want.”

Critic | Issue 21 | 19 MYSTERY GIRL BY ARRANGEMENT WITH ARTIST VOICE, 95bFM, RADIO ONE & UNDERTHERADAR.CO.NZ PRESENT JAPANDROIDS

NEW ZEALAND TOUR 2013 DUNEDIN THURSDAY 5 SEP RE:FUEL

TICKETS AVAILABLE FROM UNDERTHERADAR.CO.NZ FOR MORE INFO VISIT WW W.MYSTERYGIRL.CO.NZ

Interested in pursuing a career in engineering technology through TAIMANE professional practice?

ACADEMIC MENTORING PROGRAMME

The Taimane Mentoring programme is an early prevention programme that will ensure students settle well into their studies through a 4-phase engagement process during the semester.

SEMESTER TWO

WELCOME BACK / SPORTS NIGHT Bachelor of Engineering Technology Good Bye and Good Luck th Wednesday 17 July, 5.30pm, Unipol Majors: Mechanical, Electrical or Civil Engineering

Phase 3: You’ll develop an understanding of the principles and practical Are you ready for Exams? Phase 1: Thursday 3 October, 5:30pm How’s it going? application of modern technology in an area of specialisation. Commerce Staff Room Pacific Careers Day Tuesday 13th August, 5:30pm In year three you’ll participate in an industry-based project in Union Common Room order to gain experience within the workplace. You’ll gain skills in management, economics, communications, critical thinking, problem-solving, engineering project design Phase 2: and implementation and management, contract management. After the First Assignment / One on One consultations Our degree is provisionally accredited under the Sydney Wednesday 11th September Pacific Islands Centre Accord of the International Engineering Alliance. This gives Commerce Staff Room your degree international recognition!

Talk to us now about cross-crediting your degree – and start your studies in 2014!

Cnr Leithbank & Clyde St Tel: 479 8278 [email protected] www.otago.ac.nz/pacific 0800 762 786

www.op.ac.nz J01488

20 | Issue 21 | Critic

BEST OF THE WEB NEWS IN

rule34.paheal.net/tags BRIEFS A tag list of the weirdest porn on the Internet. ZANE POCOCK

bibviz.com

The Bible Visualised: Contradictions, Misogyny, Violence and Inaccuracies. WORLD WATCH critic.co.nz/twelvepigs Liberia. | Liberia’s education minister has announced that all 25,000 of the “What’s a grown man want twelve country’s candidates failed this year’s university admission exam, resulting in frosty pigs for?” an entire country without freshers.

Germany. | German prosecutors are questioning how a man was able to board critic.co.nz/oldnewyorker an empty government jet used by Chancellor Angela Merkel. High on drugs and wearing only underpants, he danced on a wing, sprayed foam around and Eighty years of New Yorker pushed cockpit buttons. advertisements.

worldometers.info

Worldometers: real-time world statistics.

critic.co.nz/newyorkcleaner

What it’s like to be a window cleaner in New York City.

critic.co.nz/chinesetyper Melbourne, Australia. | Doctors saved the life of a woman who was clinically dead for 42 minutes by using defibrillators and a machine that kept blood flowing The Chinese typist deserves respect. to her brain.

22 | Issue 21 | Critic FACTS & FIGURES THE MORE American Idol’s audition contract states that they may THINGS fictionalise your backstory. CHANGE

2-8 September

by Jessica Bromell

his week in history, societies ad- weighed more than six tonnes (it’s made A student-housing complex called Keetwonen vance … or try to. of marble, and is 5.2 metres tall). This in Amsterdam is the largest container city in the world. Each container features a bedroom, original plan might explain why its head T study area, bathroom, kitchen and dining area. September 2, 31 BC: In the final and deci- and hands are out of proportion, though, sive confrontation that sealed the demise so that’s something. of the Roman Republic, Octavian faced off In terms of total against Antony and Cleopatra at a place September 5, 1698: Tsar Peter I of Russia hours, Call of Duty called Actium. Octavian was the adopted introduced a beard tax on everyone except has been played great-nephew of Julius Caesar, and would the clergy and peasantry in an attempt for longer than humans have lived eventually be called Augustus and become to modernise the anti-European nobility. on Earth. the first Roman Emperor. His troops, com- What it meant in practice was that people manded by his BFF Agrippa, beat Antony’s who’d paid the beard tax carried around a into the ground. Given that the battle at token as proof of payment. These tokens Actium led to the rise of the Roman Empire, were inscribed with the phrase: “the beard Japanese scientists have it ended up being pretty important. In the is a superfluous burden.” You’d think Peter used ultra-sensitive cameras Aeneid, Virgil’s epic poem of pro-Caesar I might have had something better to do. to prove that human bodies emit tiny amounts of light, propaganda, the hero is given a shield that 1,000 times too weak for the just so happens to depict Actium. (Octavian September 3, 1967: Sweden switched from human eye to detect. did pretty well for a guy who was only 19 driving on the left hand side of the road to years old when he showed up in Rome and the right, and there were actually fewer said he wanted to be in charge.) traffic accidents the following day than on New Zealand authorities made the average Monday. This might have been 106 requests for information September 8, 1504: After a long and tur- due to everyone driving 10 kilometres per about 119 Facebook users in the bulent history, Michelangelo’s Statue of hour slower because they were concerned first half of this year. David was unveiled. It had been originally about traffic accidents. commissioned in 1464, but issues with New Zealand’s Labour and National parties previous sculptors’ contracts meant that September 4, 1998: Google was founded, have each had only three parliamentary leaders who did not become Prime Minister. it was mostly neglected until 1501, when and proceeded to gradually take over the Michelangelo got his hands on it and made world. It’s the most visited website on the it into one of the most famous sculptures Internet, and processes about one billion ever. Apparently it was supposed to go on requests a day – about 24 petabytes of the roof of a cathedral, but officials finally data. That’s 24 thousand terabytes, or 10 acknowledged that this was unlikely when times the brain’s capacity to store mem- 320° they could no longer ignore that fact that it ories. Google is hardcore. The range of vision that a goat’s rectangular pupils can see.

Critic | Issue 21 | 23 FEATURE BLOOD DONATION BLOOD DONATION FEATURE

by dr nick Blood Donation and Gay Probationgovernment encouraged child ab- ustralia: it’s a land where the duction for a century, and only just The deferral Deferral criteria consists Criteria: of a list of things if those filthy A got around to apologising for it. It’s that prevent you from being able to give blood. a land where three separate marriage equality They either prevent you donating for a speci- aussies can have bills have been rejected by parliament in the past fied amount of time (as in the case of man-love equitable blood- three years. It’s a land where asylum seekers moments) or else prevent you from donating are left to die in the ocean because Kevin Rudd indefinitely (as in the case of snorting coke or donation laws, why prefers his coffee and his country white. Yet, shooting up heroin). can't we? dr nick despite all this state-sanctioned discrimination, it’s still got better blood donation equality rules The deferral criteria constitute one of many lay- takes a look at the than we do. Here in the land of the long white ers of safety checks and protocols the NZBS uses barriers to blood cloud and the big gay rainbow, we still think it’s to protect blood recipients. As blood transfusion okay that gay men can’t give blood. is reserved for seriously crook people, it’s no donation that gay surprise that maintaining the safety of blood is men still face in Before we go any further, let’s address the lisp- the cornerstone principle of the service. One of new zealand today. ing elephant in the fabulously decorated room. the biggest safety concerns when talking about As a gay guy with veins so large a blind drunk blood is HIV, so it’s also not surprising that many could still get blood out of them, it frustrates the deferral criteria, including the criterion regarding hell out of me that I can’t give blood. I’m more gay sex, centre around this risk. than happy to admit I’m biased in this regard; it makes my blood boil when I’m told I can’t The deferral criteria for homosexual relation- support such a worthwhile cause by donating, ships reads as follows: “You must not give blood which might actually be a good thing if you tend for FIVE YEARS following oral or anal sex with or to take metaphors literally. without a condom with another man (if you are male).” The CAPITAL LETTER EMPHASIS on the Thanks to the health sci first year grade-booster deferral period comes directly from the NZBS, but that is BSNS104, I’m well aware that equality also serves nicely to emphasise the incredulous (how similar things are) and equity (how fair tone in which you should read it. Apparently two things are) are not the same thing. I can handle HIV negative men in a long-term, monogamous different rules for different groups, provided you relationship sucking each other’s condom-clad can prove that the inequalities are equitable. cocks to completion pose enough of a risk that Looking through the deferral criteria, however, they would have to stop for FIVE YEARS before I just don’t see any fairness in the system, and they’re considered “safe.” it really Grindrs my gears that the New Zealand Blood Service (NZBS) does.

Critic | Issue 21 | 25 FEATURE BLOOD DONATION

To put that in perspective, here’s a list of things mix. There’s a whole bunch of appetite-losing to prevent transmission of HIV has been sci- that you’re allowed to do in the bedroom that reasons for this involving anal accomodation, entifically established in ‘real-life’ studies of will only prevent you from donating for ONE lubrication and mucosal microtears, but the sexually active couples as well as in laboratory YEAR: have sex with somebody known to carry CliffNotes version is that bumming is about as studies … latex condoms provide an essentially Hepatitis, have sex with a prostitute, have sex bad, transmission-wise, as you can get in the impermeable barrier to particles the size of HIV.” as a prostitute (in New Zealand), have sex with bedroom. Of course, not all gay men have anal somebody who has injected themselves with sex, and not all people who have anal sex are So before you even get to the blood donation drugs, or have sex with somebody who comes gay, but let’s not go crazy and start bringing questionaire, you’ve already been through a from a country with high levels of HIV (including individuals’ behaviour into policies based on series of Dungeons and Dragons-esque pass/ sub-Saharan Africa, which accounts for 69 per individuals’ behaviour. fail checks. First off, you’re either aware or un- cent of people living with HIV worldwide). In aware of your own HIV status; then you’re either theory, you could be paid to have sex with a There are three 2012 documents that quite aware or unaware of your partner’s status; and hepatitis-riddled druggie from sub-Saharan thoroughly look at the risk of HIV transmis- then you’re either practicing safe or unsafe sex Africa and still donate four years earlier than sion behind closed doors: “An overview of the (condom use, type of sex and adequate treatment our two hypothetical homos. relative risks of different sexual behaviours on when appropriate). Before you arrive at reception, HIV transmission,” “Antibiotic Essentials 2012 you make one final check in deciding whether or (11th edition)” and “HIV Transmission Risk: A not you even want to present to the blood service. Summary of the Evidence.” These three publica- This “self-deferral” check is based on your own SwissAs mentioned Cheese, earlier, the D&D deferral and criteria HIV are tions report very similar results, and essentially individual behaviours and self-assessed risk not the only safety checks in place to protect show that anal sex is more risky than vaginal of HIV, and relates to the fact that you are not our blood pool. There are a number of safety sex which is more risky than oral sex. allowed to donate blood if you feel you need an steps involved, and the first occurs well before HIV or Hepatitis test. you come through the donation centre’s door; it As anal and oral sex are the two specifically happens when you cum in your partner. mentioned by the blood service, it is worth look- Only if you “fail” all of these checks can you reach ing at the cold hard figures involved. Blatantly the pre-donation questionaire without some $100,000 of student loans and six years of disregarding the “if you don’t got a rubber there’ll idea of your potential HIV status. This required medical school has taught me that in order to be no hubba hubba” campaign, we’re also going alignment of safety check failures is known in get HIV, you’ve got to come into contact with to look at the numbers for unprotected sex. public health as “the Swiss cheese model.” The somebody who has it. It also taught me that delicious metaphor is designed to capture the Having an HIV+ guy do you in the bum gives fact that all the holes in a random stack of swiss you approximately a 0.05 to 3 per cent chance of cheese slices have to fortuitously line up before catching the virus. Doing an HIV+ person in the something can slip through. The homosexual bum gives you roughly a 0.07 per cent chance contact deferral criterion is meant to be another "In theory, you could be each time, which is roughly on par with vaginal slice of cheese in the stack, but isn’t so much paid to have sex with a sex. Sucking off an HIV+ hooded warrior gives swiss cheese as it is a bigoted piece of brie. hepatitis-riddled druggie you around a 0 to 0.04 per cent chance of catching the virus, and being sucked off by somebody from sub-Saharan Africa who is HIV+ gives you a whoppingly low 0 to and still donate four 0.005 per cent chance. To put these numbers in BloodEven if you Testing believe the deferral questionaire years earlier than our two perspective, you’re more likely to get pregnant cheese slice is holier than the hypothetical gay guys are proportionally more likely to have within a year of a successful vasectomy (a 0.15 offspring of the Pope and Jesus, we still haven’t hypotheticalHIV than heterosexuals, homos." so – assuming that gay per cent chance) than you are to get HIV by touched the final, least hole-riddled check: blood men are a homogenous group who don’t have performing most of these acts of unprotected sex. testing. Irrespective of the boxes you tick on different demographic, behavioural and risk pro- your deferral criteria questionaire form, and files – your odds of bumping into somebody with Sure, those numbers do start climbing if you’ve regardless of how often you donate blood or how it are higher if you’re gay. What medical school got another infection, like ulcerating syphillis, celibate you are, your donated blood will always doesn’t do such a great job of teaching, though, or if you’re into particularly aggressive sex. On be tested for HIV. Simply put, ticking “No” isn’t is how relatively non-infective HIV actually is. the flip side, simply using a condom causes the enough of an assurance that you haven’t been numbers to shrink faster than a post-climactic shooting up with used needles while listening Let’s assume you’re HIV negative and your part- penis. To quote the Centre for Disease Control to Mötley Crüe. ner is HIV positive and isn’t receiving any form of and Prevention, “the body of research on the adequate treatment. Receptive anal sex (taking effectiveness of latex condoms in preventing According to the 2008 Transfusion Medicine it in the bum) is the riskiest thing you could do sexual transmission of HIV is both comprehen- handbook and the 2008 Behavioural Donor without bringing needles or childbirth into the sive and conclusive. The ability of latex condoms Deferral Criteria Review, blood in New Zealand

26 | Issue 21 | Critic BLOOD DONATION FEATURE

is screened by looking directly for HIV (HIV because the safety of blood products in New per cent of eligible people donate” message so RNA testing) and by looking for the body’s re- Zealand is tantamount. aggressively down your throat that it would action to it (testing for Anti-HIV1 and Anti-HIV2 certainly increase the risk of HIV transmission antibodies). The question, however, is whether this inequality if it were an infected knob. Their ad campaigns can rationally justify a ubiquitous, five-year are littered with adorable cancer-riddled children The point of having multiple tests is to increase ban after any homosexual contact, particularly pleading for you to give blood, or reminders of the sensitivity (i.e. to make it very unlikely that a in light of the much lesser deferral periods for three lives you could save by donating. disease will be missed if it is present) and speci- other high-risk sexual behaviours. The New ficity (i.e. to make it very unlikely that a disease Zealand Blood Service says it can; I say it can’t. I promise you, NZBS, that I would churn out blood could be falsely reported if it is not present). Certainly the NZBS has to take a harsher line for you every three months if I didn’t have to stop Based on the sensitivity and specificity of having sex for five years to do so. And you these tests, the review paper models the know what? I’d be willing to jump through risk as only 1 in 1,000,000 that they will a few more hoops than my straight coun- fail to identify an established infection. To terparts as well. put a smaller, more concrete number on "I promise you, NZBS, that I that, between the year 2000 and the review would churn out blood for There’s one safety check we didn’t men- paper, 12 HIV+ donors were identified and you every three months if I tion in our swiss cheese discussion: the their donations destroyed. No HIV-infected didn’t have to stop having mandatory one-on-one nurse interview. blood products have ever been known to sex for five years to do so. After you’ve ticked your boxes, you’re taken reach clinical use in New Zealand. Notably, And you know what? I’d be into a room to further discuss your answers only three of those 12 identified cases were with a nurse. Couldn’t the nurses have an men who had had sex with men. willing to jump through a few extra sheet from which they ask a few more more hoops than my straight questions about individuals’ condom use, One final concern with testing is “the window than counterpartsme – they have a direct dutyas well." to ensure that HIV testing, number of partners and types of period,” or the length of time between when absolutely nothing can go wrong, whereas I’m sex? If you’re really worried, why not reduce the you get infected and when you start testing just a guy who doesn’t have HIV but does have a deferral period for people who can show nurses positive for the infection. This is a very real lot of blood to give. That being said, it is still hard independent evidence of negative HIV status? concern, because a matter of timing can turn to see how the NZBS can justify taking a stance Sure, some people wouldn’t want to go through the blood testing phase from a rigorous safety as rigid as the one they do currently. that, but some people would given the value of check to a pointless exercise. Indeed, any time the cause. There are a range of solutions that, a regular donor is flagged as being HIV+, there For starters, they base much of their argument whilst still inequal, would be a hell of a lot more is a significant and costly “look-back” process on the now five-year-old review. In the current equitable than a five-year blanket ban. If those for all donated products and recipients to en- era of medical advances, five years is a lifetime. filthy xenophobic Aussies can do it, we can too. sure that the donor hadn’t donated during their The review desperately needs updating in light window period. of newer evidence around HIV epidemiology, treatment outcomes and testing methods. It also Editor’s note: In the 2008 review paper, the estimated average explicitly states that there needed to be a follow- Since the time of writing, the New Zealand window period for HIV testing was 11 days. This up review by now, particularly given that more Blood Service has confirmed they are in the suggests that in the first 11 days after you get extensive evidence from the Australian one-year process of establishing a review group for the infected, you’re more likely to test negative than deferral policy is now available. Additionally, donor deferral criteria. They hope to begin you will positive, which is obviously a large con- some of the evidence in that review is poorly this review by the end of 2013. cern. For that reason, some form of behaviour- acquired: the 2006 study on sexual behaviours and time-based deferral is warranted when HIV recruited 18 per cent of its participants from is not unreasonably unlikely. a sex-on-site venue, which is practically the definition of a sampling bias (provided you’ve got a really strange dictionary).

So what’s the moral of Additionally, the “one size fits all” rule poses a Ifthe you havestory? your own bias in the form of a ho- direct challenge – the NZBS struggles enough mophobic elephant in the machismo-oozing to get enough donations without arbitrarily room, feel free to stop reading here and go away excluding healthy gay men. If you look at their content that your world view hasn’t been chal- marketing programmes you’ll see that they lenged by a gay guy with a chip on his shoulder. focus on the need for more blood. They ram the Behaviour-based inequality does make sense “42,000 people a year need blood yet only four

Critic | Issue 21 | 27 FEATURE BYO Review

Great Ann The ual Critic BYO Review

Taking one for the team, Ines Shennan bravely volunteered for Critic’s annual culinary foray to find Dunedin’s best BYO restaurant for the discerning student palate.

ey Ines, can you do the BYO review?” Give me a moment to … yes. The thought of strolling “ off to local eateries after numerous lectures and library shenanigans day-in, day-out, was H a brilliant idea if ever I’d heard one. For a moment I thought I could even play my cards right and pretend I was wining and dining my boyfriend out of the absolute goodness of my heart, but the red notebook and camera constantly being whipped out would have quickly given the game away. The two of us set off each evening with empty bellies, ready to be wooed by steaming plates and bowls of various delicacies.

Plain Naan, Rice, Vindaloo, Butter Chicken Shahi Tandoor richness, I was blown away by the subtle com- plexities of Shahi’s version (available for $15.90). 351 George Street The morsels of chicken are first cooked in a char- (03) 470 1597 coal clay oven, taking on a heavenly smokiness. The sauce has a beautiful flavour and the dish is alking down George Street, you topped with a swirl of cream and slivered nuts. can’t miss Shahi Tandoor. Located For the sake of typical Western tradition, we W in the block north of Hanover Street, ordered it mild. I’d recommend getting it at least it stands out with its brightly painted tangerine medium, just for an extra kick, but it’s still divine interior and endless windows. Upon entering, if not. The lamb vindaloo ($15.90) was oily, tangy bright yet soothing light washes over you and and very spicy, making it a perfect pairing with the colourful walls with gold finishings beg you the creamy butter chicken. The presentation to order a chicken tikka right away. is great and the naan ($3) does its job well of mopping up any excess sauce. If your usual BYO They have friendly service, beautiful curries and crew are curry fans (or if you fancy one of their an environment that is the right blend of casual daytime lunch specials), get aboard the Shahi and lively. A long table at the north end, as well train. These guys know what they’re doing. as another one hidden at the back, makes it ideal for larger BYOs. On a Saturday they claim to feed Try the: Butter chicken, lamb up to 300 hungry mouths throughout the course vindaloo or mango chicken. of the night, seating up to 100 at any one time. We spent: $34.80 for two curries (including rice) and a naan. Though I typically avoid butter chicken, finding Corkage: $4.50 it often fails to balance flavour with a cloying Butter Chicken

28 | Issue 21 | Critic BYO REVIEW FEATURE

Takoyaki

Yuki Izakaya round delights smothered in mayonnaise and bonito flakes, which manage to eerily wave 29 Bath Street around in the heat. Every mouthful of the takoya- (03) 477 9539 ki is a small burst of happiness, even if you do brush the bonito flakes aside. The ika-geso, a.k.a. ucked away in Bath Street is Yuki. tempura squid ($6.50), had a lovely crisp, light Behind its rolling door entry is a bustling batter with a satisfying crunch and was a gener- T restaurant with heavy, varnished, hand- ous serve for its price. Finally, the spicy chicken Tempura Squid carved tables and tiny stools. Its low ceiling, ($7) had tender pieces open kitchen layout and quick service make it a of chicken encased in novel place for a quick bite, or a longer evening a thin, crispy outer of consumption. I’ve lost count of the number and then smothered of times I’ve been to this place, so let’s admit in an incredibly hot, that bias now and get on with it. Actually, one tangy, electric red more thing: I’ve also never been here without sauce. This is one for ordering the octopus balls, so my long-standing the chilli fans, and praise for them may also infiltrate this review. the sauce is fairly Sincerest apologies. plentiful so is great for eating with ev-

The idea behind Yuki is to order many small erything else. Okonomiyaki dishes, either individually or as a table. For larger BYOs (for which they have a key table The wait staff are patient, the food comes out "The takoyaki, a.k.a. by the door), I’d recommend selecting three fast and there is even sumo wrestling screening or four dishes for yourself, and that way you’ll silently on a mounted television. By 7pm on a octopus balls, are not know exactly what you’re getting. We ordered Thursday they were absolutely bustling, with literally what they sound the goyoza dumplings ($6) with vermicelli filling people popping in to ensure they could get a like, but are crispy, round and a soy-based dipping sauce. Hot, crisp and seat later on. Friendly, efficient, and cranking delights smothered in flavoursome, these are a good starting point out everything from Will-I-Am to Foals, this for your selection of Japanese-themed goodies. place is a real charmer. mayonnaise and bonito The okonomiyaki ($8) is a cabbage-based sort flakes, which manage to of pancake with an outrageous swirl of barbe- Try the: Takoyaki, eerily wave around in cue sauce and mayonnaise on top. We had the beef tataki or prawn tempura. the heat." variety with bacon. We spent: $33.50 for five smaller dishes. The takoyaki, a.k.a. octopus balls ($6), are not Corkage: $6 literally what they sound like, but are crispy,

Critic | Issue 21 | 29 FEATURE BYO Review

Asian Restaurant were blissfully soft and thick, soaking up all of (a.k.a. The Asian) the sauce. Some finely sliced carrot added a bit 43 Moray Place of colour and crunch, but this is an otherwise vegetable-free dish, so a meal with more greens (03) 477 6673 makes a good pairing with it. The spicy sche- zuan chicken chow mein ($14) was served on he Asian welcomes in the old and young, thin egg noodles with a gorgeous pile of celery, families, upstanding citizens and fine cauliflower, broccoli and mushrooms, though T Scarfies. Its kitschy interior and abun- the sauce was fairly nondescript. dance of lazy-Susan-clad tables make it exciting every time you enter its friendly, albeit loud, In addition to the rice- and noodle-based dishes, embrace. With a ridiculously extensive menu, The Asian also has a plentiful range of soups, choosing the right dish can be a test of one’s from chicken and corn to BBQ pork to wonton, decision-making skills. starting at just $4 for a small bowl. They also have a very descriptive wine list: for example, They do beef well, but I’d stick with the chil- one is “dry with herbaceous and tropical fla- li-based sauces for a more flavoursome expe- vours” and is “great with Chinese food medium rience. The food comes out at lightning speed dry” [sic]. Their biggest tables seat 10-12 people and the service is attentive. This place has a and the place is great fun. Remember, you get warm buzz about it throughout the week, but what you pay for: it’s cheap, it’ll fill you up and particularly closer to the weekend. They don’t it’s good value. Anything with noodles, chilli take BYO sittings after 9pm, but let’s be honest and beef is a winner. – it would be offensive to wait that late before gorging on their hot, saucy noodles. Try the: Beef spicy bean sauce on rice, crispy chicken, or fried We ordered the beef brisket hokkein noodles tofu veges with spring onion ($14), which arrived steaming hot and with a and ginger. delicious gingery scent. The beef was tender, We spent: $28 for two mains. in a subtly salty sauce loaded with roughly Corkage: $5 chopped yet brilliantly soft garlic. The noodles beef brisket hokkein noodles

The butter chicken (normally $15.50) had a heavy tomato presence, although this made a nice change from those that are overly creamy without any competing tang coming through. Get it medium, if not hot, for a more reward- T D ing flavour. I’d like to think that this was just BES ISH a cursed night for vindaloo because this place is otherwise a perfect BYO destination: well-lit, cheap corkage, inexpensive yet filling food and damn fine, buttery naan ($2.50). This trip was a butter chicken disappointment but I’ve enjoyed it on previous India Garden lamb vindaloo (normally $15.50) was a flop. occasions, and small touches like cumin seeds Though its spice base was gorgeously complex stirred through the fluffy rice and the instant 10 Hanover Street and the numerous chunks of lamb tender, it was delivery of water to the table makes it a pretty (03) 477 2495 overly salty and this completely ruined it. When sweet BYO location. we mentioned this, our waitress was absolutely ured into India Garden by their apologetic and brought us another one with- Try the: Lamb saagwala. Wednesday $12 curry night, we were out question, plus extra rice. The replacement We spent: $26.50 for two curries disappointed. The understated interior vindaloo still had salty tones running through L (including rice) and a naan. and friendly staff make the place an otherwise it, which was a shame, because all of the other Corkage: $3 great destination for a relaxed dinner, but the elements were otherwise great.

30 | Issue 21 | Critic BYO REVIEW FEATURE

Kwangchow Cuisine 18 Lower Stuart Street "I am sorry, (03) 477 1668 Kwangchow, for being so blissfully t’s really, really embarrassing that I’ve lived in Dunedin so long and yet still ignorant of your I required a Critic assignment to experience divine existence. Kwangchow Cuisine. I am sorry, Kwangchow, for being so blissfully ignorant of your divine exis- This place is honestly Spicy szechuan beef on rice tence. This place is honestly something else – in something else a good way. The décor is incredible and, being up a winding staircase, is completely hidden from – in a good way." the street. Plush scarlet carpet lines the floor and a glitzy chandelier somehow seems fitting crisp exterior, plenty of vegetables and a sweet, despite being at odds with the other decorations almost honey-ish sauce made it an instant fa- adorning the large dining room, which is loosely vourite. I couldn’t stop shovelling it in, but hey, separated into two areas. it was all in the name of culinary enjoyment. The dishes come out as they are cooked rather than If you want to feel like a king whilst sipping all at once, so go there to share and, for goodness’ away on your carefully selected Waipara riesling, sake, ask for a table with a lazy Susan. It would braised pork with spicy chilli sauce then you’ll feel right at home perched in the be silly not to. comfortable, brown-cushioned seats. Sounds weird, feels great. We ordered the spicy szechuan Try the: Spicy szechuan beef on beef on rice ($12), which is also available with rice, beef with flat noodles or chicken, prawns or pork at varying prices. It green beans with garlic. had oiliness, heat, loads of tender beef and lots We spent: $30 for two mains of vegetables. The braised pork with spicy chilli and a pot of Chinese tea. sauce ($16) had no rice or noodles but this was Corkage: $5 no loss; the addition of cubed silky tofu with a

BEST DISH BEST BYO

Shahi Tandoor’s butter chicken Yuki Izakaya Rich yet beautifully flavoursome with the perfect finishing touches. For its delicious food and peppy atmosphere. Runner-Up: Yuki’s prawn or squid tempura Runner-Up: Kwangchow

The batter alone is a delight, the fillings are tender and Embrace the music-less ambience and elaborate décor the dipping sauce finishes it off nicely. for a BYO experience like no other.

Critic | Issue 21 | 31 FEATURE Genomics

32 | Issue 21 | Critic Genomics FEATURE Me and My Genome by Lindsey Horne Genomics offers incredible new possibilities in preventive medicine, and it is now possible to have one's genome sequenced for under $100. But how much do we really want to know about ourselves, and is this information safe?

emember a time before mobile (or genes), each with their own specific meaning. of us are here because we’re more likely to get phones? My mum used to stand Stringing these words together in the correct a decent job if we can wave a university qualifi- on the porch and do one of those order gives you functional sentences (or pro- cation in future employers’ faces. In other words, finger-in-your-mouth whistles to teins), and will ultimately allow you to produce we’re ensuring our future finances. get me to come home for dinner an entire book (or individual organism). The instead of texting me. What about consequences are obvious: if you know what But what if you could ensure your future health life before the Internet? Everyone words are involved in writing a particular book, in a similar way? By “ensure,” I don’t just mean had an Encyclopedia Britannica and the order in which they need to go, then you avoiding Fatty Lane and going to pump class Rstacked next to their Monopoly set or, if they can know what the book should be about – and twice a semester. I mean knowing that you are were really lucky, had the Britannica CD-ROM. how to edit it – before it is printed. likely to get heart disease, a particular kind of Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how peo- cancer, or a rare disorder that leads to early-on- ple coped. But just think: what could we be Researchers cottoned on to how powerful genet- set blindness, and nipping it in the bud before it missing out on ourselves? In the future, will ics could be a while back, and the field has grown causes anything more that momentary concern. people will scoff at us and wonder how on earth exponentially ever since. The Human Genome Genetic sequencing is all about making medicine we managed? Project, an international initiative aimed at se- preventative rather than reactive. It builds on the quencing and mapping the genes that make up age-old maxim that prevention is better than With the rise of medical genetics, this is increas- human beings, was completed in 2003. At the (attempted) cure. ingly a question on people’s lips. For those of time, the project took 19 years and $2.3 billion you who wagged fifth-form bio or have come no to complete. Now, anyone can get their genome If I’m going to use an example, I may as well closer to genetic science than watching Gattaca, sequenced in six weeks for under US $100 – all use one that you’re going to pay attention to: here’s a quick run-down: you have to do is spit in a vial and send it off Angelina Jolie’s boobs. Jolie’s mother died of to the lab. Such phenomenal advances in our breast cancer at age 56, and so the disease Each one of you has a unique genetic makeup, understanding of human genetics have triggered was firmly on the star’s radar. Through genetic because you each have slightly different DNA. what has been deemed a “medical revolution,” testing, Jolie discovered that she carried a gene DNA is essentially a chemical instruction man- and “the biggest disruption since the internet and (BRCA-1) that is known to increase an individu- ual: different sections of DNA code for specific mobile phones.” So what’s all the fuss about? al’s risk of breast cancer. In her case, the risk was genes, which themselves code for the collection 87 per cent higher than for an average female. of proteins that together make us who and what Consequently, she opted for a “preventive double we are. Personalised medicine mastectomy” – in other words, she had both of her breasts surgically removed. Her risk of breast Still lost? Think of it like a book: the various I’m not trying to be overly critical of modern cancer has now dropped below five per cent, and DNA nucleotides are the different letters of the society, but why are we at uni? Aside from the the Jolie-Pitt kiddies will have their yummy alphabet. Depending on the order of the letters, luxurious housing, balmy weather and range of mummy around for years to come. you can create hundreds of thousands of words flavours that $3 lunch has to offer, the majority

Critic | Issue 21 | 33 FEATURE Genomics

Like spading on someone in Surfin Slices at "23andMe is a 4am, doctors made one last desperate attempt. Sequencing for everyone! They sequenced Nick’s genome hoping to find personal genomics a cause. (Remember, this was eight years ago, Direct-to-consumer genome sequencing has so not only were we living in a world of Simple been bought to the public by Anne Wojcicki, company that Plan and My Chemical Romance, we were living the wife of none other than Google co-founder in a world in which whole genome sequencing Sergey Brin. (Since we’re talking genetics, just offers ‘rapid was the new kid on the block.) Miraculously, stop and think for a moment about how smart they found a genetic mutation that was to blame Brin and Wojcicki’s kids are going to be. Bags that genetic testing’ for the defective protein in his bowel, and Nick genetic combo!) 23andMe is a personal genomics was able to receive a cord blood transplant. company that offers “rapid genetic testing” for for only US$99. He’s now on the mend, and has incidentally only US$99. It couldn’t be simpler: you send become the first person in history to be saved them some spit, and six weeks later they send It couldn’t be by whole-genome sequencing. you a summary of your genetic make-up. simpler: you send This is what all the fuss is about: personalised Logging in to your 23andMe account allows you preventive medicine. It’s hardly surprising. Not to view information about both your ancestry them some spit, and only is it reducing the need for risky procedures, and your general health. The company is the it’s going to save us millions. Imagine if Nick had largest DNA-based ancestry service in the world, six weeks later they been sequenced when he was born. Imagine and has a “Relative Tracker” feature that helps not needing to perform all those surgical pro- to reconnect you to your long-lost relatives. A send you a summary cedures. And imagine not having to spend that number of celebrities have signed up, so you $2 million. can also check whether you are distantly related of your genetic to Bono. No wonder the UK make-up." wants to go on a This sort of thing sequencing frenzy! "Finding out that I’m going to fascinates me, and In December 2012, get Huntington’s disease (a 23andMe can teach Genetic sequencing now allows doctors and Prime Minister David you some pretty cool genetic counsellors to screen for numerous Cameron announced a genetic neurodegenerative stuff about yourself. types of cancer, various heart conditions and £100 million (NZ$198 disorder that usually presents So I switched my Type II diabetes, and the list keeps on growing. million) project aimed in your late 30s) would put a go-to procrastination Determining the genetic underpinnings of rare at fully sequenc- site from stagger- disorders has to be one of the greatest advances ing the genomes real damper on my life." ingbeauty.com (it’s in modern investigative medicine. Clinicians are of 100,000 Britons. a goodie, trust me) essentially becoming CSI agents who can get Genetic sequencing on this scale will lead to to any site that had information on 23andMe. to the bottom of previously unsolvable cases. better treatment plans, better drugs and better Essentially, this involved watching a bunch of overall healthcare. It’s also David Cameron’s Americans spitting into test tubes on YouTube Children with rare conditions are born every way of asserting that genetic sequencing is and then listening to them explain how “Oh my day, and before the advent of genetic testing the UK’s “thing.” Thailand has mushy shakes, God – I’m one per cent Native American. That clinicians were more likely to nail a “Babe of New Zealand is 100% Pure exports dodgy milk must, like, totally explain my olive skin!” It’s the Day” than nail the underlying cause. Take powder, and the UK can sequence the shit out of sort of like a weird dream: it’s cool for the person Nick Volker of Milwaukee, for example. At just 17 anyone (literally, in Nick Volker’s case). involved, but incredibly lame for anyone having months, his parents noticed that he had a high to feign interest in it. Despite this, I was still fever and a wound that refused to heal. Doctors Historically, the Netherlands has been the top keen to give it a go. After all, it would be great eventually realised that Nick was suffering from dog in the sequencing field, but other countries if I could justify my increasingly ginger hair by a condition that caused small fistulas (or holes) are increasingly jumping on the bandwagon saying that I’m Irish. to form in his intestines, through which faeces and it’s spreading faster than “hotdog legs” on were leaking into his colon. Nick underwent Tumblr. Nor is the pressure exerted in a purely Discovering information about your health, hundreds of surgical procedures before his colon top-down manner. While governments are fast however, is not such a light-hearted experience. was finally removed, and by the time he was appreciating the potential of genomic medicine, Behind the marketing campaigns (dominated by four years old had used up his entire $2 million many regular citizens are crying out for it too. more stock photos than you can throw a stick health insurance. (Apparently there is a price And some geeky-yet-sassy entrepreneur in at and corny lines like “the journey to knowing on life after all.) Silicon Valley has heard their pleas. who you are starts with learning where you

34 | Issue 21 | Critic Genomics FEATURE

came from”) is the chance that you may discover something scary. Sure, it may be fun to find out "A report released in January of this year whether or not your gluten intolerance is legit, but it’s not necessarily easy to deal with the revealed that over 50,000 different companies – knowledge that you have a reasonable chance of suffering from a degenerative disorder or that including Domino’s Pizza and the US Postal Service you are a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. – sold their employees’ history information to How much do you want to know? Equifax, one of the largest credit agencies in

As much as I’d like to have a set Five Year Life America. Equifax in turn sells the information to Plan, I can also see real value in living life in the YOLO-style for a while and enjoying my youth. interested third-parties." Finding out that I’m going to get Huntington’s disease (a genetic neurodegenerative disorder that usually presents in your late 30s) would it harder to apply for these types of insurance employed by direct-to-consumer companies put a real damper on my life. Before sending off as well. Doctors in the US have already reported like 23andMe, and some have even go so far as my spit for analysis, therefore, I asked myself high-risk patients who are too afraid to undergo to claim that the results are only marginally more carefully how much I really wanted to know. genetic testing for this reason. accurate than those provided by the average daily horoscope. It turns out that 23andMe “locks” information on With the current uproar surrounding the GCSB, I a number of health risks until you accept another could hardly avoid looking into the privacy issues set of Terms and Conditions. If you don’t want to related to genetic testing and data access. Turns Revolution or false dawn? know your chances of getting these particular out it’s easier to identify someone through their diseases, you can choose to camp out a little genome than originally thought. Yaniv Erlich and Whether you think that this is a medical rev- longer in the “ignorance is bliss” field. However, his team at the Whitehead Institute for Biomedical olution that will forever change the future of the only information that is “locked” in this way Research in Cambridge, Massachusetts, man- medicine, or a another wannabe sci-fi effort from is that related to three conditions: late-onset aged to pinpoint the identities of individuals in people who got a little too excited by Gattaca, it’s Alzheimer’s, breast cancer and Parkinson’s. Your a public database using their own algorithm. happening regardless. The science is changing risk of Huntington’s, prostate cancer and heart Their findings were published in Nature earlier so rapidly that the ethical and legal circles are disease, on the other hand, will be sitting there this year, with authors warning that this is “a only just managing to keep up. waiting for you, never to be unseen again. serious loophole” in the system. As young adults in a constantly-evolving world, I felt a bit uncomfortable about this, and went Putting your trust in private companies such as it is important that we begin to consider these into investigative mode. My aim was to get to the 23andMe is something to think twice about: a sorts of issues before they become the norm. In bottom of this “rapid genetic testing” idea, and report released in January of this year revealed many ways, this is already happening – more perhaps utilise some of those critical thinking that over 50,000 different companies – including and more women are opting for non-invasive skills we were promised as part of our degrees. Domino’s Pizza and the US Postal Service – sold pre-natal testing (in which their unborn babies their employees’ history information to Equifax, are screened for genetic defects in utero), and We’re dealing with information about people’s one of the largest credit agencies in America. more and more people are signing up to partic- health, so one of the first things I looked into Equifax in turn sells the information to inter- ipate in nationwide sequencing initiatives and was insurance. At this stage, there is no legal ested third-parties. That is not something to mass studies. So take some time to consider how requirement to pass on genetic information to take lightly. much you really want to know about yourself. your health insurance provider. Did I just hear you all say “phew”? Not so fast … you are legally Finally, there’s the issue of legitimacy. While As for me and my genome, I’m gonna put off the required to provide this information to your life genes do play a significant role in determining test for now. I reckon I want to enjoy a few more insurance provider. They’ll tell you, of course, who you are and what may happen to you, the years of ignorant bliss and conserve an aura of that they take other things into account – your importance of environmental factors should not mystery around the ending to my own personal family history, for example, and your profession be summarily dismissed. Genetic risk factors are story. Ask me again in a decade, however, and – but let’s be honest: your genetic information is often not the be all and end all. Nor should you chances are I will have given in and opted for the best predictor of what’s in store for you in the accept without question the legitimacy of the a plot spoiler. future. Long-term-care insurance and disability genetic analysis these companies provide. Many insurance can also request your results, making scientists doubt the reliability of the methods

Critic | Issue 21 | 35 CULTURE FILM Festival ROSIE HOWELLS | FILM Editor | [email protected]

Mood Indigo

Director: Michel Gondry

Review by Rosie Howells

et me start by saying that I haven’t enjoyed a film this much in a really long time, L which is high praise indeed considering it was my fourth Film Festival movie in a week. Whimsical, surreal and heart-breaking, it was everything you’d expect from Michel Gondry, the director behind the equally magical Science of Sleep and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Mood Indigo’s opening scene made me want to do an aggressive and spirited dance routine of joy in the cinema, as I was so overwhelmed with happiness I felt it required a physical outlet. The audience all watched with smiles plastered on their faces as our hero Colin (Romain Duris) starts off his day: he sings in the shower, dines on a breakfast prepared by his personal chef and legal consultant Nicholas (Omar Sy) and hears of the romantic conquests of his best friend Chick (Gad Elmaleh). However, it is worth mentioning that the door bell climbed up the wall like a spider, Nicholas prepared the meal with help I have ever witnessed, the second hour was the role of Colin as the charismatic, cheeky and often from a TV chef that spoke directly to him (even most bleak. The world is still surreal, but in the child-like Duris. For me, Omar Sy (of the much- passing spices through the TV screen), and Colin most depressing way: one of Colin’s many mis- loved Intouchables) is a personal highlight – he cut off his eye-lids, which were then collected by erable jobs is to lie naked on a mound of dirt so brings his trademark charm and cool to the his residential mouse (a miniature middle aged that his human warmth can power the creation of unusual happenings around him. It also helps man in a mouse costume). It was immediately military guns. (The weapons his warmth powers that the cast are more attractive than anyone apparent that you weren’t in the real world any- are useless, however, as he’s too sad.) The film you’ll ever see or meet in your real life; in fact the more – you were in a Gondry world. is currently sitting on two stars out of five on character of Isis (played by French supermodel Rotten Tomatoes and I think this is why – it Charlotte Le Bon) is so beautiful that I actually The story truly takes flight when, after hearing gets incredibly dark incredibly quickly. For me, got angry when subtitles came onto the screen, of Nicholas and Chick’s new girlfriends, Colin this wasn’t a problem. The first half of Mood as it meant I had to drag my eyes away from her proclaims: “I demand to fall in love!” Luckily, Indigo is so slap-you-in-the-face happy that astonishing face. Nicholas and Chick know just the right girl, and it gives the sadness beauty and meaning, and that very night he is introduced to Chloe (Audrey the characters’ fall into destruction, depression The only reason this film isn’t a 5/5 is because Tatou) at a birthday party for a poodle. Shopping, and personal ruin is made all the more poignant. of the ending – if that’s Gondry’s statement on ice skating and general frolicking ensues and life then I’m not buying it. But you can enjoy the you never want the fun to end. But it does. Like The actors do the most splendid job of bringing film without buying into its grand statement. Let a hatchet to the back. truth to characters that live in a bizarre and yourself be engulfed by this incredible, magical world. As always, Tatou is a class act, fantastical, tragic world. You won’t 4/5 If the first hour of the film was the most joyous and no one could have been better suited for the regret it.

36 | Issue 21 | Critic FILM Festival CULTURE Pervert’s Guide to Ideology

Director: Sophie Fiennes

Review BY Alex Wilson aim, drawing a few laughs and making very at length ideas that make absolutely no sense astute observations, at times the whole process to anyone bar possibly Žižek himself. In many t’s hard to think of a film at this year’s is strenuously convoluted. ways, this is the film’s purpose. Why would Festival that is so perfectly equal parts a film funded by the British Film Institute be I educational and offbeat as this small Irish As Žižek jumps from film to film he also jumps allowed to deliver its message in a way that production about a Slovenian philosopher de- from location to location. When discussing (what invites such obvious barriers to clear commu- constructing some of the most influential films he refers to as) “The Taxi Driver” we find him nication, if not to deconstruct the film’s own of the past 50 years. Slavoj Žižek is our phleg- delivering his lecture (and it is indeed a lecture) ability to reinforce ideologies? matic guide to the cinema, using it to explore the from Travis Bickle’s apartment. His message deep-seated power of ideologies and how they regarding The Sound of Music and its links to However, while some points may be lost, this resurface in seemingly unconnected locations Coca-Cola is stoically delivered in a full-blown is still a great film. Žižek is a brilliant raconteur such as Nazi propaganda films, the London nun’s costume. It seems that Sophie Fiennes and theologian who skilfully turns what could be riots, and Coke commercials from the 1980s. decided not to reel in her heavily accented ped- quite a dry subject into a fun-filled romp through Žižek’s aim is a basic one: to show how film agogue. If there was a script, it seems to have the ages. The film is only let down, maybe, by can (often unknowingly) reinforce the beliefs, been discarded early on in the piece: Fiennes is the grandiose scope of his own ideas. desires and ideas deemed acceptable for society perfectly happy to let Žižek stumble over his The absent-minded professor for the 4/5 at large. While Žižek is largely successful in his words, pause for extended periods and discuss internet age, perhaps?

The Bling Ring

Director: Sophia Coppola

Review BY Baz MacDonald

ometimes real life events feel like they Coppola tells this story from the perspective of Despite Coppola’s poor direction, the richness of happened purely in order to be made into the only boy implicated in the crimes: Nick Prugo. the content often shines through. In particular, S movies. The Hollywood Hills burglaries Through his eyes we see the situation escalate the themes of celebrity-envy and excess (which of 2009 were one of those events. A bunch of from petty theft to mass robberies, and finally are central to the story) stand out boldly, making teenagers robbing the houses of celebrities is to the groups’ eventual arrest and prosecution. you cringe over the destructive and malignant clearly the premise for a great film, and the stage culture that has sprung up out of Hollywood. was well set for natural narrative flow, thematic Coppola’s direction and writing somehow turn significance and deep character complexity. All this story into an exercise in self-indulgence. Though the film co-stars Emma Watson, it is of these attributes are inherent to the story, and Instead of elaborating the relationships be- the performances by Nick (Israel Broussard) and yet Sophia Coppola somehow manages to turn tween characters, or further investigating the Rachel (Katie Chang) that leave an impression. it into a very average film. psychological effects of their activities, Coppola These two previously unknown actors put Emma instead opts for extended (and pointless) shots of Watson and her barely-passable Californian For those unfamiliar with the Hollywood Hills characters listening to music and smoking. She accent to shame. robberies, a group of teenagers used celebrity even manages to make the burglaries themselves gossip websites (such as Perez Hilton) to find a painful and drawn-out experience to watch. If you can look past Coppola’s direction the film out when celebrities would be out of town and While the initial robbery is exciting, every subse- is worth watching, if only to learn more then broke into their homes and stole a vari- quent robbery is filmed in the exact same way. By about this extraordinary true story. 3/5 ety of items – primarily money and clothes. the fifth or sixth time, this becomes very boring.

Critic | Issue 21 | 37 CULTURE FILM Festival

kills a child who ran onto the highway as he was passing a car. Following the proceedings after the death, the film immerses us in the family’s trau- ma and the slow crumbling of their relationships with one another. We see Cornelia as a woman who will do anything for her family, even for a son who no longer holds much love for her. The complications of class are also dealt with, as the dead child comes from a very poor background.

Peppered with insights into Romanian society, it becomes clear that this is a culture in which you feel almost bruised by the end. family bonds are incredibly important. The ending is so abrupt that you are broken away Child’s Pose The film is not violent, but rubs your mind raw from the linear narrative, which makes the film Director: Călin Peter Netzer with its vivid narrative. Directed by Călin Peter very unique. Netzer, this Romanian film picked up the Golden Bear award at the Berlin International Film Festival This is a film that deals with subject matter Review BY Tamarah Scott 2013 and was shown at the Toronto International that is almost taboo, and I would certainly Film Festival 2013. No surprises there: it is one of recommend it. You can feel the edgy rawness he most memorable films are those that the most unforgettable films of late. of various relationships, which leaves you beg- emotionally sap you dry; those that force ging for more, and while the lack of resolution T you to become immersed in their worlds Child’s Pose follows Cornelia (Luminita at the end may throw some people off, it is, in because the subject matter, images and sto- Gheorghiu), a wealthy older Romanian woman some ways, fresh. It gives the viewer a chance rylines are so powerful you cannot escape till who closely resembles the hardened, aristocratic to reflect on what was just viewed, and you actually leave the cinema. Child’s Pose puts Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development. Her a chance to create their own ending 4.5/5 you through so much heartrending turmoil that son is involved in a car accident in which he to a memorable masterpiece.

offputting. The film’s joy comes not just from the gloomily witty dialogue, but from Jarmusch’s Only Lovers patient (read: slow) direction, which treats its central figures more like art projects than Left Alive film stars. Director: Jim Jarmusch With an opening scene that contains more romance and intrigue than all the Twilight films Review BY Jonny Mahon Heap combined, the film is framed almost entirely at midnight. My favourite sequences involved nly Lovers Left Alive is a slim and Adam and Eve cruising the abandoned Detroit idiosyncratic film that has received streets. The film is a celebration of art and O more of a mixed bag of reviews than the artist, with extended takes focussing on the Film Festival itself. A darkly funny take on Moroccan street musicians, the grungy aesthet- Indeed, Only Lovers Left Alive walks the fine the tired vampire genre, it documents the cen- ic of Adam’s music and the couple’s games of tightrope between being aggressively quirky turies-old romance between vampires Adam chess, often followed by their ritual toasting of and entertainingly weird. By the end, I had suc- (Tom Hiddleston) and Eve (Tilda Swinton) as blood champagne. While all this is entertaining, cumbed to all the film’s charms, especially its they question their place within the chaos of the film is neither as insightful nor weighty as pseudo-intellectual banter and the entrancing the twenty-first century. it attempts to be. Indeed, its literary references performances by Swinton and Hiddleston. These annoy more than amuse (Eve’s passport reads two elevate the film beyond its sweet, vaguely Adam has appropriately chosen Detroit as his “Daisy Buchanan,” for instance, and Adam is comedic origins, bringing real chemistry and home at the end of the world; Swinton, the chaos referred to as Dr Faust). It’s almost as though romance to the proceedings. Neither as wise nor of Tangiers. The film envisages the vampires Jarmusch has targeted it at students: the hipster as funny as it would like to be, Only Lovers Left as a pair of ageing rockers, for whom sucking appreciation for Swinton, for this genre and for Alive is nonetheless a pleasantly ambitious en- blood is “so fifteenth century,” and is perhaps the European setting all reek of him trying to win try into the vampire genre, breathing

the first vampire film for hipsters. While this tag favour with the audience, rather than having life into this well-worn breed. 3/5 is accurate, however, it shouldn’t be completely good reason to include them in the film.

38 | Issue 21 | Critic FILM Festival CULTURE

Critic’s Film Festival Awards 2013

BY Rosie Howells

his year’s International Film Festival on HBO. The film tells the astonishing true story Best New Zealand Film was the biggest Dunedin has ever seen, of Liberace’s twisted love affair with teenager T presenting the greatest selection of mov- Scott Thorson. The film has already been nomi- ies our branch of the Festival has ever been privy nated for 15 prime time Emmy awards. I wouldn’t Gardening to. Based on critical response, whispers on the be surprised if it made a clean sweep. with Soul street and my own personal opinion, here are Critic’s official Festival awards: Directed by Jess Yeast

Best Foreign Film As someone who is rather cynical about organised religion, I was set to find Gardening with Best Film with Child’s Pose Soul a difficult watch. I couldn’t have been more Famous Actors wrong. Documentarian Jess Yeast spent a year Directed by Calin Peter Netzer following 90-year-old Sister Loyola Galvin of The East Wellington to create a film not so much about Directed by Zal Batmanglij religion, but spirituality. This Romanian family drama took home the cov- eted Golden Bear award for best film at the 2013 Sister Loyola is never afraid to speak her mind There’s always that one film full of Hollywood Berlin Film Festival. Child’s Pose follows con- and is fiercely brave in giving her two cents on actors that you really don’t want to be your fa- trolling mother Cornelia (Luminita Gheorghiu), the issues of feminism and child abuse in the vourite from the Festival ... but deep down you as she bribes, threatens and manipulates her Catholic church. She is a cheeky, fascinating know it is. At last year’s Festival it was Cabin in son out of a manslaughter charge. This film is an and inspiring subject for a documentary, and the Woods; this year, it’s The East. intense study of family, guilt and selfishness that constantly stresses what our time on Earth is will leave you feeling raw, and is worth watching really about – love. Director Zal Batmanglij (that’s right, take off the simply for Gheorghiu’s incredible performance. last four letter and his surname is Batman) co- wrote the script with actress Brit Marling, who Best Documentary then co-starred with Alexander Skarsgard and Best Soundtrack Ellen Page. The beauty of the Festival’s Hollywood Twenty Feet numbers is that if you missed out, you’re sure to Only Lovers find the film elsewhere – so get looking. From Stardom Left Alive Directed by Morgan Neville Directed by Jim Jarmush Best True Story Film is a great medium through which to raise Jim Jarmusch’s foray into vampire films awareness about grave and distressing world Behind the (godamn has he classed that genre right up) problems – “The Issues” – but there are also so Candelabra feels like one very long and beautiful music many wonderful, happy stories to be told. Take video. With tunes from such artists as Kasbar Twenty Feet From Stardom, which presents a Directed by Steven Soderberg Rockers, Wanda Jackson, Hot Blood (appropri- history of contemporary music from the per- ate) and Black Rebel Motorcycle club, the music spective of a back-up singer. This ain’t no sob This late addition to the Festival could not have perfectly matches the film’s dark aesthetic and story about being underappreciated and “almost been better received. Behind the Candelabra is contemplative tone. Not only is the music an famous”: these musicians have helped to shape Steven Soderberg’s made-for-TV movie (no integral part of its style, but also the topic of today’s musical landscape. Bring your hankie, Hollywood studio dared to take it on due to its much of its dialogue. If you like rock music, and this puppy’s uplifting. strong homosexual themes) that found a place for that matter, rock stars, this the film for you.

Critic | Issue 21 | 39 CULTURE FILM Before 4 Midnight /5

Director: Richard Linklatter

RevieweD BY Rosie Howells

efore Midnight is the third (and presumably final) instalment of Richard B Linklater’s romantic series following the love of fiery French humanitarian Celine (Julia Delpy) and American writer Jesse (Ethan Hawke). The first in the series is the 18-year-old apparently means I may not have functioning seen its two predecessors. Before Midnight works Before Sunrise, in which Celine and Jesse first ovaries. But these films are bloody fantastic, because the audience knows these two people meet by chance on a train and decide to get whether you were born with a heart or not. It so well, and adores them – seeing them older, off at the same stop to spend the day together. is very rare that a film can stay on the same angrier and chubbier is kind of … poetic (and I Nine excruciating years later, Before Sunset was medium shot of two people talking for a full don’t throw that word around much – like I said, released, but instead of wrapping the story up five minutes without boring viewers. It is even I didn’t enjoy Love Actually). I doubt anything with a pretty bow it simply re-raised most of the more incredible for two subsequent films that Celine and Jesse say would be as meaningful questins prompted by Before Sunrise. Another do exactly the same thing and still leave you if you hadn’t first seen them as twenty-some- nine years have passed since we saw the dy- gagging for more. This series has captured the things chatting awkwardly on a train. Without namic duo, but they’re back and still leaving wonder of finding someone you can talk to – the pretext, Before Midnight might just feel like things hanging! really talk to – who gets what you’re saying, a middle-aged couple bickering. But together, and, ultimately, who you are. the films create a trifecta of awesome that will Let me assure you: I don’t buy into romance make you feel funny, in the best possible way. easily. I didn’t even enjoy Love Actually, which But please do not run to buy a ticket if you haven’t Get to your nearest Civic Video now.

issues such as social and political structures and healthcare. Though these are the central messages around which the film is based, it feels like almost every scene has something to say. This makes every scene a feast of ideolog- ical treats that will leave you transfixed in the moment and contemplative for days afterwards. It is clear that there is not a single aspect of the which the rich have left a polluted and over-pop- film that Neill Blomkamp did not consider deeply.

4.5/5 ulated Earth for a mechanical haven orbiting Elysium Earth called Elysium. This premise is the foun- On top of a great story and a wealth of commen- dation for a fast-paced and exhilarating story tary, Elysium is also a visual triumph. Earth and Director: Neill Blomkamp that follows Hollywood narrative conventions Elysium offer drastically different aesthetics that closely enough to be an easy watch, but subverts are both filled with interesting and intriguing RevieweD BY Baz MacDonald them in unexpected and ingenious ways that sights. Blomkamp’s direction creates superbly will have you constantly enthralled. crafted action sequences along with not-so-skil- eill Blomkamp is still making science fully-executed-but still-admirable dramatic fiction film as it should be. His 2009 film The film stars Matt Damon and Jodie Foster, moments. He has an artful grasp on violence (of N District 9 proved that he could provide both of whom give highly commendable per- which there is a huge amount), but it is always highly intelligent yet action-packed and highly formances. However, it is Sharlto Copley (who varied, intense and lends a real and visceral accessible science fiction to mainstream cinema, you may remember as the lead from District 9) reality to the actions of the film. and with his latest film Elysium he is once again who stands out as the morally reprehensible pushing the science fiction genre up to a whole Agent C.M. Kruger. Though this winter has had a number of science new level. fiction epics, not one of them is in the same The film is meticulously conceived. It offers league as Blomkamp’s new masterpiece. A Elysium tells the story of a dystopian future in a spectacular social commentary on topical must-see!

40 | Issue 21 | Critic Geography Planning People, places and the environment MPlan qualifies you as a professional planner and provides opportunities to specialise in community, environmental, PROGRAMMES AVAILABLE resource, social, and urban planning BSc BSc (Hons), BA & BA (Hons) BAppSc Environmental Management Graduates from all disciplines are invited to apply Master of Planning Applications close 20 November Email [email protected] Email [email protected] www.otago.ac.nz/geography www.otago.ac.nz

Otago 0800 80 80 98 www.otago.ac.nz

Critic | Issue 21 | 41 CULTURE DATING

Love is Blind ritic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons Cand ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. if this sounds like you, email [email protected] or FB message us. But be warned – if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a write- up, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.

Daisy Donald

always was surprised that these blind dates never accidentally put Awkwardly, I vaguely knew my date (we share mutual interests) and had two people who knew each other together. It would always be the case always found her kind of attractive. I could tell she had a huge crush on me, I that it happened to me. We were both debaters. and just the other day I had actually told my friend in Sydney that yeah, I would probably bang her; it would be doing her a favour. Very early on I I had never really found the guy interesting or attractive in the least bit – he figured that tonight may as well be the night – she was clearly lonely – so always pissed me off when he turned up to things I was at and acted all I texted my flatmates in advance and told them not to be dicks about it. knowing and patronising. However, gritting my teeth, I decided to give it a go, relying heavily on the provided wine. We both knew how to handle alcohol, so as we passed that liquor store opposite The Bog we ducked in and I bought us two more matching bottles Naturally at the dinner we ended up discussing debating and the upcoming of wine, just like a true gentleman. The strategy was well practiced and Australs long into the night. And sorry, Critic, but the general consensus genius: she would drink the Critic-supplied bottles one at a time, hiding we came to was that you suck. one under the table and switching later on, and I would drink the two I had bought using the same strategy. It was only half way through the date that To be fair, the dinner date was actually okay, but I was reasonably bored we realised Critic was paying and the corkage fee wasn’t really a problem, so it was a welcome “coincidence” to run into the friends I had messaged which gave us some good laughs at our deeply engrained cheapness. to rescue me after dinner. I started saying goodbye to my date, but to my horror he acted like he knew my friends, and clung on as we went to buy Conversation was great; we talked about everything from debating to the some drinks in town somewhere. cool gigs we both happened to go to. Dinner was good too – we decided to go to a place we had often gone for debating BYOs. I really, really just wanted to have some fun, but my date stuck to me like glue and several times gave me a patronising hug/squeeze around the We started walking towards the Octagon after dinner and ran into some shoulders and asked if we should head off soon to “continue our date.” I friends. We decided to hang out with them for a while which was cool – gave him my best “get your arm off me” eyes each time, which he clearly they’re all really nice people, but they’re just kind of lost and not really going took to mean “just a little bit longer.” By about 10pm he had clearly decided anywhere. Anyway, I’m quite popular with them – I think it’s because I’m to take matters into his own hands. Giving me the same squeeze, he successful – and we all had a great time chatting, drinking and smoking announced, “it was nice seeing you guys but we must be off.” things down by the railway station. They’re a crazy bunch but I like to think I can keep my own. I replied that I was keen to stay with my friends, so with little to do to save face he had to leave by himself, telling me as he left to text him when I got I was quite tired by the early hours and decided to head home. No luck for home so he’d know I was safe. For the record, I didn’t. my date tonight, but I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon.

Thanks, Critic, for the really average night.

42 | Issue 21 | Critic Charlotte Doyle | ART Editor | [email protected] ART CULTURE

Gaga and the Art of Empty Pretention

ady Gaga’s recent nudist escapades are “art drives pop and the artist is once again in However, like Jay Z, Gaga is indirectly confronting currently the cause of a social media frenzy control of the icon.” the social realities of our time, particularly social L many of you will have witnessed in some media and the role it plays in shaping cultural form or another. In the video The Abramovic Pop art’s surge in the mid-twentieth century perspectives and values. Mimicking the rapper, Method practiced by Lady Gaga, she exposes reflected the desire of artists such as Warhol Gaga will release a free app to complement the her body for a supposedly artistic cause: rising and Lichtenstein to bring art down to the level ARTPOP album later in September, designed to to Marina Abromovic’s extended performance of the everyday (hence the tin cans and Brillo) “make connections between music, art, fash- art challenge. and away from elitist control. Gaga attempts the ion and technology.” Her use of social media is reverse: the appropriation of art by pop culture already having an effect: Abramovic’s Institute So many words could be dedicated to the varied with the aim of highlighting the latter’s under- Kickstarter was able to reach its funding goal and sometimes surprising reactions to this vid- lying social commentary (although her latest of US$600,000 directly because of the attention eo. However, it seems more fitting to consider single “Applause” cannot possibly be labelled as Gaga’s video brought to the cause. Should we whether or not Gaga’s attempt to introduce anything but shallow, meaningless and boring). criticise these musicians for their apparent lack art to the mainstream should be condemned of sincerity? Or, considering someone else will or, like Jay Z’s, be forgiven – despite its lack of Is Gaga really the artist she claims to be? It isn’t inevitably critique them for us, should we per- sincerity – due to the fact that it has prompted clear exactly what her artistic goal actually is. On haps appreciate them for what they have, in real discussion about the art itself. 11 November she will hold an exhibition, artRave, their own way, managed to achieve? which will showcase collaborations between Musicians frequently collaborate with artists in herself and artists such as Jeff Koons, Marina My general feeling is that Gaga is simply ex- order to visually express a concept. Thom Yorke Abramovic and Robert Wilson. In “Applause” she ploiting art as a means to her own selfish ends worked with Stanley Donwood to create the dis- pretentiously claims, “one second I’m a kunst rather than genuinely seeking to create art for tinctive Amok cover. Kanye West commissioned [German for artist], then suddenly the kunst is its own sake. The free app is simply a tool to Takashi Murakami to work on the aesthetics me.” If there is any meaning in those lines, it strengthen her fan-base, to enable “little mon- for The Graduation. Alice Cooper and Salvador is simultaneously obscure and yet superficial. sters” to share in their admiration of her, and, Dali – of all combinations – made a hologram as she explained on Facebook, to allow her to together. And just think for a moment about Conveniently, Gaga argues that she doesn’t know experience “the adrenaline of fame.” Whereas Yoko Ono and John Lennon. However, it is art where the ARTPOP journey will take her, and Jay Z’s collaboration between performance and and pop in particular that have established a says that it “could mean anything.” Art seems art was clear and effective, Gaga’s has taken it firm, immovable and undeniable relationship. to be simply a mechanism through which she too far – and it’s messy. If she uses art in a more hopes to achieve the shock factor. Both she and streamlined fashion to promote an idea reflected Andy Warhol and his “celebration of celebrities” Abramovic have stated explicitly that what they in her music, it might be more convincing. perhaps epitomises the fusion between art and are hoping to do with their joint video is attract mainstream pop. With the release of her album attention – Gaga for her album and Abramovic “Pop culture was in art, now, art’s in pop culture ARTPOP due this coming November, Lady Gaga for the newly founded Marina Abramovic in me.” Mmmm, I beg to differ. claims to be starting a new art movement, akin Institute. Sadly, it seems as though Gaga’s recent to that driven by the infamous Warhol, in which embracing of art is merely a publicity stunt.

Critic | Issue 21 | 43 CULTURE BOOKS Lucy Hunter | Books Editor | [email protected]

Otherness by David Brin

Review by Kajsa Louw

“Similarly, ‘Piecework’ – a chilling, award-nominated tale published in 1988 – introduces us to Io, a woman living in a future in which a highly sophisticated engineering process makes possible cross-fertilisation between humans and other mammals.”

therness is an anthology of science explores the potential that science has to hurt meet Jason Forbes, one of the few “organic” hu- fiction short stories that is likely to leave or help the human race in attempting to create mans left in a galaxy called upon to participate O its readers impressed by its boldness alpha beings. Like many of Brin’s works, “Dr in an experiment in cyberspace. Before long, he and originality. The book comprises a collection Pak’s Preschool” challenges readers to think finds himself battling hostile atmospheres in his of 13 stories and is the winner of the LOCUS award critically about issues ranging from politics to lightship. In “Those Eyes,” extra-terrestrial life for Best Collection of 1995. Notable contributions birth rights and spirituality. forms express concern at the possibility that include “Warm Bodies” and “Dr Pak’s Preschool,” increasing pessimism and narrow-mindedness which is currently being considered for a feature Similarly, “Piecework” – a chilling, award-nom- will cause them to lose their ability to commu- film. Although an accomplished author, Brin inated tale published in 1988 – introduces us to nicate with humans. originally began his career as a scientist, and Io, a woman living in a future in which a highly this is evident throughout the anthology. sophisticated engineering process makes possible To those of you reading this who may feel this cross-fertilisation between humans and other seems like too much, too fast – never fear. The In “Dr Pak’s Preschool” we meet Reiko, a woman mammals. Poor women can earn a living by rent- anthology is divided into three sections with told she will be accompanying her husband ing out their wombs for industrial reproduction. intermingling essays. Brin guides the reader on a business trip. She arrives at her destina- Beyond Brin’s fascination with the idea of science into each phase of the book with his dry, but tion, however, to discover that what is really meddling in intimate human acts, however, amiable, humour. The almost painstaking care awaiting her is an artificial insemination clinic. Piecework also exudes a real sense of adventure. he takes in ensuring we understand his point of Unbeknown to Reiko, the powers-that-be plan view can be a little overwhelming, but proves to to use classified software to educate her unborn A number of his stories, although differing in be worth the time in the follow through. This is child in utero, with the aim of creating a highly style, are reminiscent of classic works such as an insightful anthology to which to devote an efficient member of future society. The story Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. afternoon’s reading, especially for those of you focuses primarily on Reiko’s pregancy, but also In “The Warm Space” (a personal favourite) we who enjoy adventure science fiction.

WHAT ARE THE UBS TWINS READING

AT THE MOMENT? 6307h cre8ive ‘b‘ ‘Citadel’ by Kate Anything Bill Bryson. ’ b’ s Mosse... not to be & Just to keep confused with the WHAT WILL up with nearly s other Moss! THEY READ NEXT! EVERYTHING! facebook.com/unibooksnzU www.unibooks.co.nz Ph: 477U 6976

44 | Issue 21 | Critic KIRSTY DUNN | food Editor | [email protected] FOOD CULTURE

Ingredients: >> 2 tbsp olive oil >> 1 onion, finely chopped >> 3 cloves crushed garlic >> 1 tsp ground ginger >> 1 tsp ground turmeric >> 2 tsp ground cumin The Good Earth >> 2 tsp ground cinnamon by M & G >> ½ tsp dried chilli flakes >> 400g can tinned tomatoes iving in North Dunedin, it is sometimes Moroccan Stew & >> 400g tin of chickpeas, rinsed hard to remember that not every street Minted Couscous >> ½ cup sultanas L is littered with broken TVs and patches >> 400g pumpkin or kumara, cubed of vomit. Thankfully, The Good Earth provides ouscous is the wonder-kid of the >> 2 carrots, diced a brief respite from everyday life, and can be meal-accompaniment world. I mean, >> 1 cup cashew nuts found right around the corner from Scarfie-ville. C sure, rice is nice (until you have to clean >> 2 cups of couscous Located on the corner of Cumberland and the pot or dish you cooked it in), and pasta is fab >> 1 tbsp butter St David Streets, The Good Earth is the perfect (yet can be a little stodgy on the odd occasion), >> 1 vege oxo cube or 1 tbsp vege stock place to freshen up after the dustiness of the but couscous, on the other hand, is light and Science Library or meet someone for a coffee powder fluffy, easy to make, and super-duper versatile, between lectures. >> 4 tbsp chopped fresh mint and for that reason alone it shall forever occupy The Good Earth, with its mostly organic >> Unsweetened yoghurt (optional) a prized position on my pantry shelf (next to menu and fair trade Strictly Coffee beans, will >> Hummus (optional) the quinoa I like to think I use but don’t, and sort you out in no time. The baristas and other the brown rice I’ve recently relegated to go-to staff are top notch: M has seen them pumping meal-base number two). sultanas, and one cup of water. out high quality coffee at a rate of knots at peak times. As well as their incredible work ethic, The combination of chilli and cinnamon in this 4. Boil the mixture and then reduce the heat and these baristas are well known for their friendly recipe packs a spicy punch, and when served simmer for about 20 minutes. service. All food sampled by M and G has been with the minted couscous, yoghurt, and cashew delish, but it’s definitely in the pricey range for nuts, it delivers on the flavour and texture fronts 5. Add the pumpkin and/or kumara and the students. If you’re short of a penny, your best too. Serve with hummus for extra awesomeness. carrot and cook for a further half an hour, or bet is to jog on up to the two-four on George St. (And just in case you don’t love couscous as until the pieces have softened. The seating situation in The Good Earth much as yours truly, the stew makes a great earns definite brownie points with M. Through filling for wraps, pies, and samosas too.) 6. Season with salt and pepper. some kind of witchcraft, the café has ample seating both inside and out, and almost every table 7. Pour 2 ½ cups of boiling water into a large catches some of dat sweet sweet Dunedin sun. Method: bowl, add the vegetable stock, and stir. Pour The sun-drenched internal décor, complete in the couscous, add a dash of olive oil, cover, with many a jar of preserves or fresh flowers, will 1. Heat olive oil in a large saucepan. Add onion and leave for 10 minutes. definitely brighten up a dull Dunedin day, and and cook for five minutes, until brown. the sneaky outdoor area is essentially a sauna 8. Add the butter and half of the fresh mint, and in summer – you’ll have to resist the urge to 2. Add garlic, ginger, turmeric, cumin, cinnamon, stir in as you fluff the couscous with a fork. sunbathe topless in this wee savannah. chilli, and a couple of tablespoons of water M and G highly rate the coffee at The Good and fry off for a minute or so. 9. Serve the stew atop the couscous with some Earth and haven’t had a bad bite to eat.

natural yoghurt flavoured with the remaining Come with a loaded wallet on a sunny 5/5 3. Now add the tinned tomatoes, chickpeas, mint and/or some hummus on the side. day and you won’t regret it.

paknsave.co.nz

Critic | Issue 21 | 45 CULTURE GAMING

Splinter Cell: Blacklist Developed by Ubisoft Toronto Published by Ubisoft 9/10 Platforms: 360, PS3, Wii U, PC

here was time, not too long ago, when I however, struck a chord with me, as I’m sure their own skills. The second technique used to thought that stealth games were a genre it will with many other gamers. Blacklist sees make the game accessible is the “choose your T that could only appeal to a very small a terrorist organisation called “The Engineers” own approach” setting. Players can approach subset of gamers. Recently, however, I have been carrying out a series of terrorist attacks on combat situations as a ghost (silent, undetected), enthralled not only by stealth games, but also by American facilities and organisations. Each a panther (silent, detected) or with assault (guns attempting stealth tactics in games that are not of these attacks is given a time and a theme blazing). Each of these approaches awards a purely stealth-driven. It could be argued that my (termed the “Blacklist”) that the ultimate spy different number of points. Ghosts gain the most, tastes are just changing – maturing, perhaps? badass, Sam Fisher, and his team must decipher so as to encourage players to play with stealth But I think that this change is not occurring in before the clock runs out. However, it is not this even when they don’t have to. my head, but in the industry itself. that struck a chord, but rather the demands that the terrorists make. All they ask is that On top of an exceptionally crafted single player Approaches to developing stealth games are America pull its troops from the 136 countries it campaign there is also a fantastic multiplay- maturing as technology crucial to good stealth currently has a military presence in – seems a er mode: Mercs vs. Spies. This “four vs. four” adventures, such as AI and environment in- reasonable enough request to me. The ensuing gametype is an objective game in which the teraction, improves. Though I have no doubt story is incredibly well written and performed, first-person shoots mercs in order to protect that the type of action in a stealth adventure creating a gripping, intriguing and overall ful- hardpoints from the third-person stealth spies game appeals to some gamers more than others, filling narrative. who attempt to hack the computer. Two rounds I believe that we have reached a point in the are played, giving players the opportunity to development of the genre where any gamer In terms of gameplay, Blacklist makes itself play in both roles. This varied and intense ex- can enjoy its nuances due to the sophistication accessible to every kind of player. The first way perience is easy to get into but has the potential of the technology behind it. Splinter Cell has it does this is through its varying skill levels. In for incredibly skilful play. An added incentive to epitomised stealth adventure gaming for the first-person shooters, these options have be- playing the multiplayer is that you earn game past decade. The latest iteration in the series, come a question of how often you want to die. money which can be spent on upgrades in the Splinter Cell: Blacklist, stands as a shining ex- Blacklist’s difficulty options, on the other hand, single player campaign. ample of how the genre has matured and become offer different levels of stealth immersion. At the more inclusive. simplest level your character will be able to glide Splinter Cell: Blacklist is well executed on every through levels as a shadow, due to an arsenal of level, and offers significant proof of the innova- As with all games that have “Tom Clancy” some- techniques and gadgets which make it very easy tion still occurring in the gaming industry. Trust where in the title, the storyline revolves around to stay hidden. At the hardest level, however, all me; if it can convert me to stealth adventure an international terrorist threat. This threat, players have to help them navigate the levels are games, it can convert anybody.

46 | Issue 21 | Critic BAZ MACDONALD | Electro Knob Twidler | [email protected] GAMING CULTURE

Saints Row IV

Developed by Volition. Inc Published by Deep Silver 5.5/10 Platforms: 360, PS3, PC

nly a year ago, the Saints Row series challenges, and most of the weapons and vehi- had a different publisher: THQ. That cles, are taken directly from Saints Row: The Third. O particular sinking ship succumbed in early 2012, however, and now rests silently on the In a somewhat predictable turn, Earth is invaded ocean floor of failed video game companies. In by aliens, and you and all the other Saints are this case, the metaphorical women and children thrown into a virtual reality version of Steelport. that got the first spots in the lifeboats were the It is a poorly conceived, written and executed few successful IPs THQ had left. concept, and its only real purpose is to justify the introduction of new superpowers. Before you get Saints Row was the only thing keeping THQ excited by the mention of superpowers, however, afloat. So now that the series is in the hands these powers – such as super fast sprinting and of another company, what does its future look super high jumping – are evenly matched to the like? Well, if Saints Row 4 is any indication, pretty point where nothing is challenging and nothing bleak. As THQ began to fail, these games were is fun. pushed out the door as soon as they looked even vaguely complete. I hoped that under a more The game is essentially Saints Row: The Third stable publisher’s watchful eye this would stop with a new concept plopped sloppily on top of being the case, but unfortunately Saints Row 4 it. This does mean, though, that many of the may be the most unpolished game in the series. elements that made Saints Row 3 fun remain intact. The driving is still an exhilarating expe- The Saints Row series are open world action rience, and the soundtrack still offers a distinct adventure games that follow the rise of a small- “badassery” to the game, especially as it is now time street gang from thugs to pop culture icons. possible to listen to the radio stations at all times Now, with Saints Row 4, you get to take on the instead of just in a car. role of the President of the United States. The series has always been known for its ridiculous Every aspect of the game, from the terrible, tone, and don’t get me wrong – I love ridiculous- glitchy and unbalanced gameplay to the stale ness. But Saints Row’s cultural satire is clearly and uninspired challenges and mediocre targeted at stupid people. It takes the gameplay graphics, screams overwhelming negligence. and beautifully crafted satire of the GTA series It is entirely unacceptable to release a game of and removes all traces of subtlety. This is not to this quality into the market, and to put a $110 say that more discerning players cannot enjoy price sticker on recycled and shoddy content is its various nuances; I just hate being treated near criminal. like I’m stupid. I was hoping that a publisher not fighting for its Saints Row 4 was intended as a DLC to Saints Row: life might give this series the time and care that The Third, and it shows. Almost every aspect of it once deserved. Now, however, I wish Saints the game, including the map, the gameplay, the Row had gone down with the ship.

Critic | Issue 21 | 47 CULTURE MUSIC BASTI MENKES | MUSIC Editor | [email protected]

not kidding about the David Byrne influence either: save for the ludicrously imitative “Tell Her Franz Ferdinand Tonight,” it’s the biggest Talking Heads homage they’ve ever paid. But dang do they channel the Right Thoughts, influence well.

Right Words, About half of Right Thoughts is in the same punchy, immediate vein of “Right Action,” such 4/5 Right Action as the breakneck “Bullet” and the revved-up “Love Illumination.” Let’s call these tracks “classic Franz.” The other half is quieter and weirder, Franz Ferdinand are back. Again. rippling with a dark pop aesthetic akin to the work of Syd Barrett. These tracks, such as the It’s always better on holiday.” Franz Ferdinand album. But at long last, it’s here. starry-ended “The Universe Expanded,” can be called “Franz in Wonderland.” While I can’t say “ So sang Alex Kapranos on “Jacqueline,” So, Franz Ferdinand are back after a four year these trips to Wonderland are as memorable the opening track of Franz Ferdinand’s epon- absence. Again. The brevity of their fourth new as the classic Franz moments, they conjure a ymous debut album. Considering the glacial album, Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right peculiar and charming mood, and are peppered pace at which the Glaswegian dance-rockers Action, can’t help but disappoint. In all the time with instances of real loveliness: see when the are releasing music these days, the line now they’ve had since the darker, dancier (and huge- lovesick disco of “Stand On The Horizon” de- rings a touch ironic. ly underrated) Tonight was released in 2009, scends into the band chanting “the North Sea they’ve only come back to us with 35 minutes sings, won’t you come to me baby?” like monks After hammering out their first two albums in of new music. That’s 48 days for each minute of in a lilac blur. The whole song builds towards this just as many years, the quartet seem to have Right Thoughts. Pretty slack, fellas. coda, yet it still manages to come out of nowhere. spent much of the meantime putting their feet up and their guitars down, which is more Thankfully, once “play” has been hit they waste My expectations were high after such a gruel- than a little frustrating. Less smug than Arctic no time in getting those guitars and those feet ling wait, and I can happily confirm that Right Monkeys and more consistent than The Strokes, back into action. Stomping opener “Right Action” Thoughts, Right Words, Right Action met them. they remain kings (or should I say archdukes?) is an addictive blast of indie rock, and easily one Featuring a delightful mix of old and new, poppy of the post-punk revival. Those guitars ought of the band’s best tracks to date. Anchored by and strange, it is another solid (if concise) addi- to be squirting out infectious riffs, those feet squirming Talking Heads-style riffs and soaring tion to Franz Ferdinand’s discography. Hopefully bounding up and down on stage. Or better yet, in brief, frequent choruses, it has as much pizzazz the wait for album five isn’t quite as long. I’ll being tapped metronomically in a studio. It’s and flair as any of their monster hits (“Take Me be humming “Bullet” and yelling the “red, ya been a bitter, interminable wait for the fourth Out,” “Do You Want To,” “No You Girls” etc.). I’m bastard!” line from “Evil Eye” until then.

MUSIC GIVEAWAY COURTESY OF:

Harvest Court Mall 218 George Street 03 477 0388

48 | Issue 21 | Critic MUSIC CULTURE

RADIO ONE 91FM EVENT GUIDE

Tuesday 3rd September ReFuel | Open Mic / Open Decks. Gold coin entry from 8.30pm.

Wednesday 14th August The Church | Acoustic Open Mic. Free entry. Queens | Queens Got Talent The J. Arthur Keenes Band 8pm doors.

Mighty Social Lion 3.5/5 Thursday 5th September ReFuel | Radio One Presents: A big maturation for the Nintendophile. Japandroids (Canada). After tearing it up at this year’s St Jeromes Laneway Festival, Mystery here are few things that irk me more in (fantastic single “Congratulations”) and oceans Girl Presents Canadian punk two-piece a musical discussion than a person dis- of woozy Lennon reverb (“Worth Keeping”). Japandroids on their first ever NZ tour. Tickets on sale from undertheradar. missing an entire genre. To assert that a T co.nz. $40 tickets available from Radio style of music is wholly without merit, regardless Commendably, J. Arthur Keenes manages to One Reception with your 2013 Onecard. of the incarnation, borders on psychosis. How make these new sounds cooperate with his old can you deem hip-hop or metal or folk to be ones, rather than quarrel as one might expect. inherently shit, when you will never in your life Instead of yelping at the front of the mix like get around to hearing a thousandth of one per an insufferable fucking chihuahua as Keenes’ cent of what that genre has to offer? The vast- synths previously have, on Mighty Social Lion ness and diversity of music genres nullifies any they receive a much-needed dose of Ritalin; they such sweeping criticism, so don’t risk sounding dwell obediently amongst the rest of the song, like an idiot by chucking them around. Don’t be less concerned with being the centre of attention stupid, stupid. than with actually being an instrument.

And yet, I come to you something of a hypo- But even with the step up musically and cre- crite. Try as I might to enjoy it, it is something atively, J. Arthur Keenes is still lacking in the ol’ of a rarity for me to speak positively of the lyrical department. His words come in rambled chiptune genre. Ninety per cent of the time I streams of consciousness, as if read from a diary find chiptune music to be nothing but shrill, of random thoughts, and very rarely add up to Friday 6th September obnoxious Nintendo bleeps; ugly sounds forced anything beautiful or profound. Often the lo- Queens | Radio One & The 91 Club Pres- ent: Trust Punks (AKL). w./ Civil Union, out of old consoles that offer cheap nostalgia fi production and his Julian Casablancas-like Team Ugly, and Yuckers. Free entry with to anyone who has ever played a video game. mumble will disguise their vapidity, other times your activated 2013 Onecard, $10 without. High on sugar, low on creativity. But that’s just he isn’t so lucky: “my dirty socks are getting like, my opinion man, and I’m doing my best to filthy, walk through the rain, I’m feeling guilty, change it. Mighty Social Lion, the new album my feet stink.” So he sings on “Cardboard Box,” to from chiptuner J. Arthur Keenes, is something groans and rolled eyes from listeners everywhere. of a beacon of hope. So there is still big room for improvement. But What distinguishes Mighty Social Lion not just much improvement has already been made from J. Arthur Keenes’ discography but chiptune with Mighty Social Lion, both in my opinion of as a whole is how diverse its influences are. J. Arthur Keenes and of chiptune in general. He’s Though the eight-bit synths and Super Mario shown us that the genre can be more than just To include a Dunedin gig or event sound effects are still present, they are far from Donkey Kong samples and eight-bit farts, and email us at [email protected] the sole ingredients. Added to the sonic palette if he continues the upwards trajectory set in FOR Full listings vISIT this time around is everything from lo-fi rock motion with this album, J. Arthur Keenes could r1.co.nz/playtime (the Sparklehorse-like “Trails”) to guitar pop very well become chiptune’s premier musician.

Critic | Issue 21 | 49 CULTURE Science & Health

Chocolatey Goodness Big Bodies and Mini Microbes

by Hannah Twigg by Dr. Nick

hocolate: everybody loves it. And good i everybody, one. Like its viral counterpart, it’s red and un- news! Unlike the pseudoscience we So we were gonna kick the final pleasant, but this one comes with the bonus of C discussed last time, there are actual H quarter of the year off by speaking about swollen eyelids and a gritty mucous-y/pussy (peer-reviewed) studies that show that some obesity in New Zealand. Initially I thought the discharge that often sticks your eyelids together compounds in chocolate are good for you! topic would be a piece of cake, but it turns out after sleeping. Like viral conjunctivitis, you can Caffeine has been shown time and time there are big issues tied up in big waistlines. get over it on your own, or you can take your again to have benefits for your health. Regular Whilst many medics think we’re currently un- place in the doctor’s office and get antibiotic caffeine intake is good for your cardiovascular dergoing an “obesity epidemic” and that the eye drops that will speed the healing up. Either system, stimulates your nervous system, and healthcare system is doomed because of it, way, bacterial conjunctivitis has no permanent has been linked to increased protection against there’s a decent argument to be made that we’re effects, unless you’ve got one of the nastier bugs neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson’s. actually not ballooning up like a foreskin full of like chlamydia or gonorrhoea in your eye. Again: Okay, so chocolate doesn’t have as much caffeine piss. Complicating the matter further is the fact keep your eyes closed when going down on a as a cup of coffee, but it doesn’t hurt to have an that there’s not a lot of good evidence to support dirty dick. excuse for more chocolate. Grab a coffee as well the current diagnostic cut-off for “obesity,” while The frustrating thing about conjunctivitis and you’re set. there is some solid evidence that being “fit but is we let it run rampant. Halls are very good Other compounds have been shown to stim- fat” is healthier than being skinny but less fit at handling conjunctivitis because, like Santa ulate the production of dopamine, a chemical than Susan Boyle. or a guy who only gets birthday sex, it comes in the brain that makes you feel good. It takes And that’s not even touching the devastating yearly. Halls are geared towards spreading eating your feelings to a whole new (literal) level. impacts of socially acceptable stigmatisation, infections. They’re full of hundreds of people There’s even a compound in there that is similar fatphobia, minority stress, the portrayal of beau- living together, eating together, “socialising” to cannabinoids. Yes, you read that right, similar ty in society and eating disorders. Basically, together after a drunken night in town – all in to one of the active chemicals found in weed. obesity is a heavy issue. True to med student all, a microbe’s dream vacation. Obviously that For the snobs out there: (most) white choc- form I’m shelving it in the “too-hard basket” for contact is unavoidable; nobody’s gonna stop olate is really chocolate. When chocolate is now in favour of talking about something that scoring the floor just because they might get pink made, the cocoa mass is separated into cocoa currently seems to be affecting 90 per cent of eye. The frustrating part is not the interactions solids – the dark brown stuff – and cocoa butter. first year students: conjunctivitis. between people; it’s the lack of hand hygiene White chocolate lacks the cocoa solids, hence the Like most diseases, conjunctivitis defines between interactions. whiteness, but still has cocoa butter. (Having itself, but does so using big words so it seems The biggest thing you can do to prevent said that, there are shitty white chocolates out more medical. It’s the inflammation (-itis) of conjunctivitis is wash your hands. Not all the there that don’t contain any cocoa butter at all.) one of the layers of the eye (the conjunctiva). time, and not with one of those pocket bot- For those of you claiming that white chocolate The main cause of the “junc” going round at the tles of antibacterial, resistance-promoting, isn’t chocolate because it doesn’t have cocoa in moment is infection – either viral or bacterial. overpriced-and-unnecessary-for-most-peo- it, though, you might want to check your facts: If you have viral conjunctivitis (“pink eye”), ple’s-daily-routines hand sanitisers, but with it does, in fact, still contain ingredients from you’ll likely have a very red, very watery, very plain old soap and water or alcohol gel. Eye cocoa beans. Don’t be chocolatist – everyone itchy eye (or eyes). It sucks, but for most it’s infections aren’t actually spread by eye-to-eye has their preferences. It is true, however, that a case of sticking it out and getting over it. contact, or knob-to-eye contact, or even by that white chocolate has less of the good stuff found Generally the virus responsible is one of the urban legend about Japanese tongue-to-eye in dark chocolate, so maybe it is time to cross adenoviruses, which can also cause things like contact that went round the social media sites over to the dark side. respiratory infections, tonsillitis and the ol’ V&D recently. They are spread because we rub our Why not enjoy this excuse to eat more choc- (vomiting and diarrhoea). There are causes of eyes with our dirty hands. olate? Not that you need one … next time you viral conjunctivitis though, including herpes, All is takes to prevent this is washing your crave some chocolatey goodness, rest assured which can be serious and require treatment to hands before meals, after using the bathroom, that that there is some actual goodness in it preserve eyesight, so don’t go rubbing infected and after coming into physical contact with confirmed by science, bitches! wangs in your face. somebody who is sick. Like every part of public Bacterial conjunctivitis is the nastier, pussier health, it’s not exactly rocket science.

50 | Issue 21 | Critic RAQUEL MOSS | TECHNOLOGY Editor | [email protected] TECHNOLOGY CULTURE Facebook’s Particular Shade of Blue

ake up in the morning lookin’ like It’s not exactly Facebook’s fault – Facebook is P Diddy, grab my phone and check just the much-maligned platform. Though in fact, W my Facebook … and learn that Girl a thorough read-through of Facebook’s terms Who Was In My Class Last Year “loves Ikea.” Ugh. of service might make you want to delete your Who cares? account anyway.

I’ve got the Facebook Blues. That particular shade The problem is more how we use Facebook; follow of blue makes me feel dissatisfied, bored, and a a thousand friends and “like” a thousand pages little uneasy. Like many information-overloaded and it’s inevitable that you’ll become exhausted. twenty-somethings, I go through cycles of loving Pare your account back to just the essentials and and loathing Facebook. First it’s crap, and boring. it becomes boring. But cut yourself off and you Then I pare back my friends, hide statuses from miss out on opportunities … right? sale boutiques and unfollow that stupid meme account. Great, just my friends’ stuff now … but … Well, maybe not. Maybe my FOMO voice is just do I really need to know about their Wednesday sensationalising things. If you’re feeling a bit night plans? Or their cat’s attachment issues? like I am, take a holiday from Facebook. Make it a week, or two. Nothing drastic, just a quick Sometimes I want to just be rid of the whole breather. Uninstall the app, unlink your Pinterest/ thing, but inevitably FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) It’s a little too idealistic to think that people will Goodreads/ whatever other accounts, and banish stops me. FOMO is that nagging little voice in text, email, or call me to invite me. Be honest that particular shade of blue from your life – the back of my head that says, “if I delete my – when considering whom to invite to your hell, replace it with that Twitter shade of blue if Facebook account, people will stop inviting me event, you pretty much just scroll through your you like. Just for a little while … you can always to things! I won’t hear about that flatwarming, Facebook friend list, right? It’s easy to forget those go back, and maybe you’ll return with a little or the casino-themed party!” who have opted out. I don’t want to be forgotten. more perspective.

Minuum (Android, others in development) www.minuum.com The Minuum keyboard takes the QWERTY key- layout for complete accuracy. You can custom- board and smooshes it all down into a single strip ise Minuum by configuring gestures (swipe he QWERTY keyboard as we know it of letters. Imagine a kid writing out the alphabet, backwards to erase a word, swipe forwards has been around since 1873. A lot of but instead of the standard A-Z, he or she follows to enter a space), and setting the height of T shit has happened since then. Women the QWERTY layout. To use the keyboard, tap your the keyboard. Minuum currently only sup- got the vote, man went to the moon, comput- fingers vaguely in the right area for the letter you ports English, with more language support ers were invented and became smaller and need, and Minuum’s sophisticated algorithms coming soon. smaller, and twerking became an amusing will figure out the word you’re trying to type. pastime. But despite many changes in device The Minuum team are working on expanding shape, size, and manner of input, the QWERTY You can type quickly and accurately without the project to other devices (Windows Phone, keyboard has remained the same. Isn’t that a sacrificing half your screen space for a clunky old iOS), as well as wearable devices such as little ridiculous? Tapping away at a standard QWERTY. Even better, Minuum learns your name, Google Glass, smart-watches, and whatever keyboard on a phone or tablet is cumbersome your friends’ names, and the words you use often else the future holds. and annoying – the keyboard takes up half and adjusts its algorithms accordingly. So, the the goddamn screen! more you use the keyboard, the better it gets. At NZ$4.76 the keyboard is a little pricey, especially as it’s a beta release, and there Luckily, some techy-types in Toronto decided There’s a bit of a learning curve to get used to is currently no try-before-you-buy option. that it was time to, if not re-invent the key- Minuum, but if you’re a confident touch-typist, But if you’re excited about a bit of revolution board, at least make it a bit more suited to it’s a fairly small one. Minuum also detects in the keyboard scene (and if you’re not, the modern typing. The Minuum keyboard is the when you are entering a URL or password, and video on Minuum’s website will get you there) result, and it’s in beta release in the Play Store. automatically switches to a standard QWERTY it might just be worth it.

Critic | Issue 21 | 51 CULTURE Random

How to Use a Public Restroom

by Campbell Ecklein

hough we all prefer the comforts of avoid sitting down at all: hover just above the doesn’t mean you ought to make it worse. One by home when relieving ourselves, there seat where possible. Also, don’t pull your pants one, we can make the world’s public bathrooms T will inevitably be times when you are down all the way, lest they touch the floor. Ew. better places by observing proper etiquette and forced to use a public bathroom (or run the risk Despite the disease-ridden squalor of public hoping that others will follow suit. You can make of bursting a pipe). At such times, it is important toilets, they somehow remain very popular. This a difference. Flush your stuff when you leave – to stay calm and collected as you take care of means that at any one time there could be lines it’s really not as impressive as you think. If you’d business. Done incorrectly, this can be an entirely of people waiting. Time your ablutions so that like to bring along your own toilet paper, fine. traumatising experience. Follow these simple there are very few people around. Not only will Please refrain from unrolling all of it and stuffing instructions to ensure that everything runs as this allow you to excrete at a leisurely pace, it in the sink or letting it congeal on the floor. Why smoothly as possible. also means that you won’t have to walk in and do you do that? The sheer amount of arse-traffic public do your business while someone else’s stank It may not be your house, but smearing restrooms see on a daily basis is enough to still lingers in the air. If the darling before you blood/ faeces/ boogers/ puke on the walls is guarantee that they remain some of the filthiest left the lavatory looking like a Jackson Pollock still indescribably feral. Chill the fuck out. Finally, places on Earth. That, and the fact that everyone painting, it can be quite awkward explaining always wear some form of footwear in public (except you) is a total pig. Do not touch anything to the next person that it honestly wasn’t you, restrooms (unless you have warts and would with your bare hands – you will get AIDS and die. swear to God! Do your utmost to secure some like to share them with others). The floor is the If you must touch anything, make sure there is a hang time before/after use. It’s in everyone’s catch-all for whatever unspeakable things went barrier of at least three layers of tissue between best interests. down in there before you showed up. Seriously, it and your skin, including the toilet seat. Try to Just because the commode is already gross just ew.

52 | Issue 21 | Critic Interview CULTURE

New Zealand is wonderful for how liberal and Grant Robertson open-minded it can be. However, if you are run- Deputy Leader of the Labour Party ning for Prime Minister next year, it is more than likely that the press will ask difficult questions by Zane Pocock about balancing your sexuality with foreign relations. For example, Muslim nations may not invite you to be a guest and enter trade Deputy Leader of the Opposition Grant Robertson around you and making use of all of the talents talks. Have you begun to address the potential has recently declared his candidacy for the of the people that were around. issues that may arise in this context? How will leadership of the Labour Party. Zane Pocock you respond to this? spoke to the former OUSA President about the Is such a leadership contest necessarily the I don’t think that it will be that big an issue. I leadership contest and his plans for the Party. best thing for Labour going forward? Does it not think that the way international relations works serve to remind the public of the liberal left’s – and obviously I’ve worked as a diplomat so I’ve Why should a university student Labour member tendency for in-fighting? been part of that scene before – is that countries vote for you? I think this contest has the potential to be will treat each other with respect and that the Because I think I represent a new generation really powerful for Labour – I mean look at the issues that will be discussed will be about our of leadership for the Labour Party. I think I repre- last few days. All of the news headlines are relationships with other countries, not … our sent a person who can unite our party, I think I’m a about us and I think if we handle this well, we personal circumstances. Look, you know in the person who can communicate clearly and directly show respect to each other as candidates, if we past people have raised similar concerns about with the voters of New Zealand about Labour’s talk about Labour’s values and policies and whether a woman leader of a country would be values … and making sure New Zealanders hear we talk about what’s wrong with John Key and able to be treated in a respectful way, and when from Labour loud and clear why we would be a the National Government and how out of touch Helen Clark was prime minister of New Zealand better Government than the current one. they are with New Zealanders, this can be a real she was welcomed all over the world, [as] I’m positive for us. sure I would be if I was prime minister. Would you address the issue of student allowances being taken away from postgradu- Do you think your Facebook likes could indicate When it comes to a televised debate, do you ates? Would you pursue a universal student an early advantage over Cunliffe that the pundits think you have the oratory skills to match John allowance? aren’t taking into account? That, and the fact Key’s remarkable talent for bullshitting? It is my strong belief we should continue that your banner doesn’t look like it was made What I think I do is I have the skills to chal- to have allowances for postgraduate students. in Microsoft Paint? lenge John Key and I think I have shown that On the wider question, I’ve long favoured an [Laughs] Yeah, I haven’t actually looked in parliament. … Actually the debates will be a expansion of people who are eligible for student at where the likes are up to now! Social media terrific occasion to expose John Key’s bullshit. allowances; I have never understood why it was is forming an important part of this campaign that students were the one group in society who already and yeah, if I’m going to be a new gen- Would you consider entering a coalition agree- were required to borrow money to eat, which is eration of Labour then I guess I’ve got to have ment with the Civilian Party? effectively what we [require them to] do. good graphics, don’t I? [Laughs] I suspect that Ben and the Civilian Party would want to stay on the cross benches, How about VSM? Do you think this has turned In the event you win the leadership battle, where however I would entertain putting him into the into a non-issue or would you look to reverse it? would David Cunliffe end up in your caucus? He’s cabinet as a Minister for Satire. I would certainly look to remove the law a well-practiced shit-stirrer and could be risky that’s there. I think OUSA has probably done the to keep close? How about the Pakeha Party? best out of the students’ associations in terms of I want to make sure that we make the ab- Um, no, I think you can rule that out. the deals that have been done, but that situation solute best use of David’s talents if I’m elected is not the same around the country, especially as leader, and I’ve said to him – and I’ve said And finally, shoot, shag or marry … at polytechnics where student representation publicly – that I would see him playing a key role. Aw come on, I’ve done this before! has disappeared in a lot of them. And would Dunedin North MP David Clark climb But it’s a different combination! John Key, Robert OUSA currently has a President threatening a higher in your team? Muldoon, Kim Dotcom? career in politics by running for the DCC. What Other than about David [Cunliffe], because I am in the middle of a leadership contest did your time as OUSA President and as an Otago it’s relevant in the leadership contest, I’m not but what I do know is that the first two of those student teach you for your own career? making any comments about where people people have such similarities, it would be very Loads of things! It taught me how to cam- are or where people will be. What I will say is I hard to choose between them. paign, how to organise and how to stand up believe David [Clark]’s had a fantastic start to his and fight for the issues that I believed in. It also parliamentary career and he’s a great advocate Thank you for your time and good luck. taught me the importance of having a good team for Dunedin North.

Critic | Issue 21 | 53 Careers in Journalism 1pm Friday, 6th September, Archway 4, University of Otago Interested in exploring a career in journalism? Join Otago Daily Times editor Murray Kirkness to talk about why journalism still matters and what you can do to become a journalist.

Graduate Diploma in Journalism Applications close 31 October. Find out more at www.saps.canterbury.ac.nz/jour

54 | Issue 21 | Critic THE OUSA PAGE Everything OUSA, Every Monday

Scarfie Army Clean Up Day! The Scarfie Army and OUSA Students are getting together to do a bit of a clean-up! If you want to be involved, report to the OUSA Recreation Centre on Albany Street or M block at Polytechnic on Harbour Terrace any time between 11am and 12 noon, Sunday September 15th. You’ll be issued rubbish bags and gloves and directed to an area for attention before returning with bags at 1pm. Spot prizes and a free BBQ will be held for all participants.

Poker Tourney President’s Column Free this Friday? Come down to the “I tried to grasp a star, overreached and fell.” - Jon Connington OUSA Recreation Centre about 6pmish and check out the action. This column is usually very upbeat and written in the tone of a Soviet- era propaganda newspaper. But today I’m going to face up to some harsh truths on where this administration has failed. I think that Click here for work without failure, our successes don’t shine as brightly. I wanted to give Seeking talented, enthusiastic and all round fantastic individuals it a PC phrase like “Things I could’ve done better” but failure is a more to tutor for next year’s rec. programme. Head to student job search blunt word which reflects what actually happened. I’m writing this as or contact Michaela Hayes (Recreation Coordinator) for more info at a cautionary tale to future Presidents and Executive members. [email protected] 1. Over Ambition/Overpromising I ran with a very ambitious agenda with an 18,000 word manifesto. It Teacup Club! became very clear to me upon taking office that I had neither the time, The Tea Cup Club is a meeting group for women of Otago University energy or resources to make everything in it happen. I tried my best to supported by OUSA. This is a safe place for a chat, to have refreshments, deliver and successfully achieved about 75% of what I promised, but it make new friends, and learn about the available support services for wasn’t possible to deliver on everything. I’ve spread myself too thinly women on campus. trying to do everything and ended up doing a lot of things adequately The Tea Cup Club, 12.00pm and 1.00pm, Wednesday 4th September, as opposed to doing a few things well. OUSA Recreation Centre, 84 Albany Street, Room 5. LESSON: Don’t promise too much when you’re campaigning. Make a few key promises and focus on them when in government.

2. Lack of Delegation/ Effective Oversight I was unable to effectively delegate to my executive which added to an already high workload. Because I needed my executive to support my projects, trade-offs were made in order to secure their support. The price I paid was a lack of effective oversight due to the fact that I had to run a lot of my projects myself since people weren’t fully on board. If you’ve got an ambitious agenda in mind for OUSA, it’s really important to have like-minded people supporting you - otherwise everything you do is going to be a struggle. LESSON: Run with a ticket of like-minded people. If you don’t have loyal, supportive and hard-working people on your side - you’re going to end up doing everything and spreading yourself too thin.

Nominations will open next week on the 9th of September and close on the 19th of September. Make sure to get your nomination in if you’re passionate about making a difference for your fellow Scarfies.

Much love, Fran

OUSA President