page 2 the paper october 3, 2018

Kavanaugh, pg. 3 Nerds, pg. 9 Sephro, pg. 15 F & L, pg. 21-22 Earwax, pg. 23

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Kavanaugh Faces the Senate Judiciary Committee by Noah Kotlarek “I like beer,” Kavanaugh insists repeatedly Staff SCOTUS Watcher accusation gave the ten Democrats her when the two were freshmen. In an attempt to undermine Trump’s Supreme Court justice of the committee another reason, Three days later, Michael Avenatti, the accusations set against him, nominee—53-year-old,ultra- in addition to the 42,000 pages, to esq. tweeted on behalf of his client, Kavanaugh claimed that “throughout conservative, former Court of delay Kavanaugh’s confirmation. Julie Swetnick, saying she had seen [his] 53 years and 7 months of life on Appeals Judge Brett Kavanaugh—was Kavanaugh at high school parties this Earth no one ever accused [him] nominated on July 10th, 2018, but his of any kind of sexual misconduct.” path to confirmation has been riddled Perhaps, if the accusations are false, with controversy and rescheduling. Kavanaugh really wanted to say was To become confirmed a nominee that the Democratic party has used must be vetted through hearings by the power of the #MeToo movement the Senate Judiciary Committee. On in effort to thwart a Republican from September 4th, 57 days after the filling a seat in Supreme Court. nomination, the hearings commenced, But even if Ford has not publicly and on September 7th, they closed. called Kavanaugh out, that does not During Chairman Grassley’s hearing mean the accusations are untrue. In introduction, Senator Kamala Harris (a an affidavit to the Committee, Ford’s possible 2020 candidate) interrupted, husband relays that Ford “shared the saying that the Committee had received details of the sexual assault during a 42,000 pages to review in less than couple’s therapy session in 2012,” fifteen hours regarding the hearing, years before Kavanaugh’s Supreme so they could not proceed. Senator The postponement was successful, where he and his friends participated in Court nomination. Notes from a Klobuchar, Blumenthal, and fellow and the Committee decided that inappropriate sexual acts. Kavanaugh therapy session in 2012 read that Democrats on the committee joined the confirmation process would has denied all of these allegations. Ford was assaulted by students “from in as Kavanaugh entered and took his not continue until Kavanaugh At 10:00 AM on September 27th the an elitist boys’ school” (Kavanaugh seat. Members of the audience began and Ford testified at a hearing hearing commenced. Ford opened attended Georgetown Prep) and her shouting about postponement. For scheduled for Monday, September by giving a descriptive and emotional assaulter “was a “highly respected an hour, Democrats and Republicans 24th. The committee rescheduled testament of the night she claims and high-ranking member of society argued over whether it was fair to start the confirmation vote for Thursday, Kavanaugh assaulted her. Of the most in Washington.” Psychologists argue the hearings. Eventually, the hearing September 27th. memorable images in her story, “I tried that it is not so easy to come public began. Before Kavanaugh and Ford could to yell for help...when I did, Brett put about sexual assault. Victims may be On Sunday September 16th, the testify in the hearing on the 24th, his hand over my mouth to stop me ashamed or afraid of repercussions. day before the Senate Judiciary Ford’s attorneys said would not be from yelling. This is what terrified me The next day, Friday, Committee was to vote on the able to attend the Monday hearing as the most and has had the most lasting September 28th, the Committee was nominee’s confirmation, things took “she ha[d] received death threats… impact on my life.” Ford believes her to decide the confirmation, but it was an unfortunate turn for Kavanaugh. and she and her family ha[d] been testimony was a “civic duty.” rescheduled. The Committee did not Christine Blasey Ford, a high school forced out of their home.” Ford later Kavanaugh believes his path to vote on the confirmation, but instead acquaintance of Kavanaugh’s, went announced that she could be present confirmation has been unfair, pointing voted to advance the nomination to public with her claim that, in 1982, at a Thursday hearing on September out that if you combined all the FBI and the entire Senate. The Committee has when she was fifteen and he was 27th. So, the date was set for the 27th, American Bar investigations, hours of ordered the White House to file an seventeen, an intoxicated Kavanaugh pushing back the confirmation vote hearings, meetings with senators, and FBI investigation of the sexual assault pinned her down to a bed and “tried date. written questions ever put against a cases. For Kavanaugh to be confirmed, to disrobe [her].” Ford claims she was On September 23rd, another Supreme Court nominee it would be Republicans need all but one of their able to escape from Kavanaugh’s hold accuser spoke out. Deborah Ramirez, less than that which Kavanaugh has senators to vote for Kavanaugh, to a restroom. Kavanaugh maintains Kavanaugh’s Yale classmate, claims had to face. He seemed to be asking, assuming all Democrats vote against that the accusations are false. This Kavanaugh exposed his penis to what more do you want? him. page 4 the paper october 3 2018 Bill Cosby’s sentencing in the Shadow of Kavanaugh by Michael O’Brien Cosby was recently sentenced, Kavanugh is being investigated Executive Editor to his accusations with the rage full heartedly that a political for a week, pending an FBI Last Wednesday, a comedian of a man who had never been told party is attempting to smear investigation into Kavanaugh’s and actor who had once been he couldn’t have what he wanted. him, what does that say about background. No matter the results the embodiment of family values, Catherine Blasey Ford, now a doctor his ability to be a non-partisan of this investigation, the fact that trust, and laughter for millions of of psychology at Stanford University, judge of the Constitution?). His one need be conducted at all will Americans across the country was described in harrowing detail an defense was flimsy, and barely undoubtedly cast a dark cloud on sentenced to a prison sentence of altercation she had with Kavanaugh spoke of Ford or the events that the candidate’s nomination, even three to ten years. 14 years ago, when she was 15 in which 17 year allegedly occurred. Despite all if such an investigation isn’t a deal- Bill Cosby, now 81, drugged and old Kavanaugh drunkenly forced of this, committee Republicans breaker these days. assaulted Andrea Constand in his himself onto Ford alongside his were wary of stepping out of line, For sexual assault survivors, Ford’s home. For Mrs. Constand, and all friend Mark Judge. Fords account of with some senators, specifically testimony was a symbol of strength, other survivors of sexual assault, the event is vividly detailed, with the Lindsey Graham, calling the composure, and the will to fight for this conviction was a long time doctor tearing up at the traumatizing hearings and by extension justice against an adversary which coming. While Constand’s case has thwarted endless was the only one to withstand the numbers of assault statute of limitations in court, it accusations before: belief. is suspected by many that Cosby For predators like Bill was a serial predator, drugging Cosby, and those accused and assaulting multiple women of similar actions, belief is all across his long running career. both a sword and a shield; Now, Cosby must acclimate to his allowing onlookers to cast new home, a state correctional doubt on a survivor’s institution in Phoenix, the end of a account of events, and dark chapter in American History. giving the accused But as one door closes, another credibility through their opens, and as Cosby heads to character rather than prison, we are reminded that the tangible evidence. For specter of sexual assault is all Cosby, the idea that around us, transcending race, “America’s Dad” could class, and power. be a predator was too While Cosby’s conviction will much for many people to certainly be celebrated, it is bear, and as such, some shadowed by equally sinister chose to disbelieve it in accusations elsewhere in the face of overwhelming American society. Cosby used evidence to the contrary. his stardom and influence to Kavanaugh decided to prey on unsuspecting women, take the offensive, opting and in the wake of the #MeToo to question the motives of era much needed light has been memory. However, Ford managed to the accusations “the biggest his accusers, allowing him to cast shined on the uglier side of the keep her composure, no small feat political sham in American doubt on the charges. While the entertainment industry, but with when attempting to recount a horrific history”. It would eventually be conviction of Cosby sent a message this said, even a few years ago event in front of a committee of announced that Senator Jeff to the world that the shield of it would be hard to believe that mostly men. Despite Fords account, Flake of Arizona, suspected “reasonable doubt” is getting the same questions asked about Kavanaugh remained indignant, to be the deciding vote, would thinner and thinner, the hearings of Cosby’s predatory actions would he smeared the entire exercise as remain in Kavanaugh’s corner, Brett Kavanaugh serve as a stark be asked of a candidate for the nothing more than a well calculated and bring the confirmation to reminder that for the thousands and highest court in the country. While attempt to ruin his career, he did the Senate; however, after an millions of sexual assault survivors, Cosby faced his prosecutors with not speak on Fords account, instead emotional confrontation with belief in their stories remains as the an overly confident, self-assured opting to accuse senate Democrats sexual assault survivors after largest hurdle on the road to justice. smirk, Supreme Court candidate of character assassination (side note: the hearing, it is revealed that Brett M. Kavanaugh answered if a Supreme Court nominee believes the vote would be delayed october 3, 2018 the paper page 5 President Trump speaks at UN General Assembly by Destin Piagentini U.S. President became a laughingstock on the world stage Staff Globalist focus on American domestic gains: that the U.S. “will no longer tolerate nations, some of the countries Trump On Tuesday September 25, Donald “America’s economy is booming such abuse,” while reiterating his praised raise questions. Most notably, Trump stood before the United like never before.” Among the administration’s controversial tariffs. In Trump praised North Korea for their Nations general assembly to give a accomplishments of America, Trump addition, Trump denounced the United cooperation with America, despite still speech, reporting on topics including specifically cited a stock market at Nations Human Rights Council (which resembling a dictatorship and being American domestic progress and the record highs, an additional $10 trillion the U.S. recently withdrew from), calling suspected of committing multiple diplomatic role of the United States in wealth since his election, and low it a “grave embarrassment.” Later on, human rights violations against its both now and in the future. Before a unemployment rates – especially for Trump promised to reevaluate foreign citizens. Trump also praised Poland minute had elapsed, a confident Trump minorities. Trump then shifted his financial assistance with Secretary for their strides in reducing reliance proclaimed, “In less than two years my focus to America’s relationship with Pompeo to ensure that only the nations on Russian energy, while also administration has accomplished more other countries: “From Warsaw, to with America’s “best interests at heart” reprimanding Germany (an ally) for than almost any administration in the Brussels, to Tokyo, to Singapore—it has receive the aid they need. Even further, their overreliance on said energy. history of our country.” From within been my highest honor to represent Trump plans to ensure that the U.S. The future of the United States’ the chamber of the general assembly, the United States abroad.” Trump will not lend more than 25% of the involvement in world affairs remains laughter could be heard echoing made sure to mention his recent UN peacekeeping budget in an effort uncertain. Trump’s claims certainly throughout. President Trump paused, summit (and friendship) with Kim to hold other nations accountable. indicate that he seeks to go after a “So true.” Trump was puzzled, thinking Jong Un, and praised the United Arab The president also mentioned illegal tougher approach when aiding other the room was laughing with him. Emirates for their financial support in immigration, stating that they will not nations, and withholding America from Speaking through his own laughter, helping the Syria crisis, a crisis which adopt the UN’s global compact for globalist junctions like the UN Human Trump was forced to acknowledge the Trump denounced and gave hope for migration. Among all these policies, Rights Council or the UN compact sentiments of the room: “Didn’t expect eventually taking down the al-Assad Trump’s vision for American diplomatic on migration. Only time will tell how that reaction, but that’s okay.” In regime. relations can be best summed up in Trump plans to implement these truth, this lighthearted (but important) As Trump continued on, however, his just one quote: “We reject the idea of ideologies, but, for the time being, the moment was merely the prelude to a vision for America’s role in the future of globalism and embrace the doctrine of U.S. appears to be moving towards a speech offering a dark interpretation of international affairs become bleaker. patriotism.” direction of increased self-reliance. contemporary world affairs. Trump denounced China’s trade While Trump focused a lot on Trump’s address started with a history with the United States, stating distancing America from other Governor Cuomo signs Medical Marijuana Bill by Regina Sandoval New York is also moving closer to legalizing recreational weed Staff Mary Jane which are the chemicals responsible medicinal uses of THC are vital to those position with this bill. Vermont and In an effort to minimize the growing for happiness, pleasure, reward, and who suffer from these illnesses, and its Massachusetts, New York’s northern death toll of opioid overdose, the state satisfaction. Once the body adjusts to side effects are not harmful like those neighbors, have recently legalized of New York has instituted legislation a heavy intake of opium, the pituitary of opium. Governor Cuomo’s intent marijuana, placing pressure on other (S8987A/A 11011-B). The new bill, gland loses its natural ability to produce with this bill is to promote healthier Northern states to follow. Similarly, signed by Governor Cuomo, adds these neurotransmitters, and instead alternatives for pain management. Cuomo has recently faced threats from acute pain management to the list of relies solely on higher doses of opioids Lieutenant Governor Hochul supports opponents like Cynthia Nixon, who conditions medicinal marijuana may to achieve positive feelings. This is why expanding the approved list of strongly favor legalization.As of August be legally used to treat. Using cannabis people who take a prescribed drug can medicinal drugs, because she states 2018, Cuomo has been working to ease pain is a method aimed at quickly become addicted to the high it it “provides New Yorkers with new with an appointed team to draft reducing opioid prescriptions that provides, as they are no longer capable options, and prevents the danger that legislation on the recreational usage too often lead to crippling addictions, of producing those emotions on their comes from opioid addiction.” This of weed. Recent studies conducted and sometimes death. Opioids are own. Once users develop a dependency draft, rooted in intentions of providing by the Department of Health suggest derived from the Papaver Somniferum on poppy, they resort to heroine from relief and preventing drug abuse, is that marijuana’s positive impacts plant, or “poppy”; which is imported the street because it is cheaper and also a small step in the direction of outweigh its negative effects. An from Turkey, Australia, India, France, easy to find. Afghanistan has been the full legalization of marijuana in important factor in assembling this and Spain. These countries export the lead producer of opium for illicit the state of New York.If marijuana group was realizing that marijuana poppy for legal, medicinal production, use since 1992, and generates about were to be legalized, New York could laws are racist. In 2018 alone, 93% such as the manufacture of codeine, $4 billion in export-value by taking add approximately 248 to 678 million of low-level marijuana arrests have oxycodone, and morphine. Also called advantage of the vulnerable. Legal or dollars to its coffers. This estimate has involved African Americans. The the joy plant, poppy is used to relieve illegal, opium is an addictive substance a large range because it is unknown decriminalization of marijuana is severe pain, irritable bowels, and that only provides short term benefits. at what price marijuana would be sold essential to the progression of black insomnia. If abused, however, opioids Medicinal marijuana relieves pain, and what taxes would be placed on its communities and to the integration of can damage the brain’s ability to calms nausea during chemotherapy, retailing. Although Cuomo has called social culture. Legalization will relieve create vital hormones. Opioids enter improves appetite in HIV/AIDS, marijuana a “gateway drug” when physical pain from illness/addiction, through the bloodstream and create reduces tics in Tourette’s syndrome, used recreationally, he is shifting his as well as emotional distress from an artificial endorphins and dopamine, and prevents seizures in epilepsy. The unjust criminal justice system. page 6 the paper october 3, 2018 Faker than FDA cracking down on Juuls by Daniel Fidanque Everyone’s favorite e-cig might be banned Truth Staff Juuler e-cigarettes hold less toxic chemicals by Christian Decker A Juul is a sleek device that is hard likely than not agree to give the than a regular cigarette, the amount rights of the Juul to a larger tobacco to spot, and can be discretely used of nicotine in a Juul “pod” is enough in classrooms, movie theaters, and company since their company doesn’t Fordham Opens Seven to make a user addicted. This fact is only revolve around the Juul, but other public places, which attracts concerning because many Juul users New Starbucks students who want to take the edge instead around a new industry, weed. are minors. At this point in a human’s Co-founder James Monsees off. The company’s marketing initially life the brain and body are still Fordham University has recently began with adults, but because of responded to this concern from the announced the opening of all the developing and getting addicted to FDA, saying that he is willing to remove its hip flavors such as Mint, Mango, nicotine can be threatening to these new Starbucks that will be opening Fruit Medley, Methanol, and Creme flavors, but “has not seen evidence around campus. The new “Caf- changes in the body. Some critics of that there’s causation necessarily for Brulee, experts believe that minors Juuls say that many parts of the Juul feine Craze” initiative is intended have become frequent users of this flavors being a lead-in for underage to make Fordham students more and its vapor release system have not consumers. Cigarettes have been damaging device. yet been studied and could create productive in their everyday studies Juuls have become increasingly a major problem for underage as well in their quest to apply and a larger problem. One Juul pod is consumers for some time.” This got popular over the past few years and equivalent to a pack of cigarettes, but be successful in internships. With have created a vaping epidemic among me thinking that he does have a really kids being overly sleep deprived public health experts are not aware good point since cigarettes have a minors in the U.S. Almost everyone of the long-term chemical effects because of their many school and at Fordham has a Juul or knows distinct flavor and to end smoking you extra-curricular activities, the goal on the human body. However, a Juul need to transition as far away from someone that Juul. Currently Juul has always been a device aimed at is to provide students with a health controls 72 percent of the e-cigarette that flavor as option to be able to power through market in the U.S., according to CNBC. possible. Juul their classes for the day. The company is on track to earn at pod flavors The university noticed that least $1 billion in revenue this year. were meant to the line was getting overly long in lead smokers the Starbucks in Dealy Hall. With FDA Commissioner away from this long line, it makes it harder things that for Fordham Students to get their is requiring compa- remind them eight shots of espresso in the of smoking. morning.. The university has taken nies such as Juul to However, pity on the students and decided change their sales the product to open a new Starbucks all across indirectly campus for better ease of access and marketing prac- attracted new to hyperactivity drugs. The Star- users. In reality bucks will be opening in the base- tices. smoking has ment of Keating Hall, right next to been around for Faculty Memorial Hall, Inside of the Because of this rising concern, the many years, but McGinley Student Center, inside Food and Drug Administration has due to rising of the Walsh Family Library, for given Juul 60 days to prove that they concern and late night study sessions, inside can keep Juuls away from minors. investments a section of the P.O.D market, FDA Commissioner Dr. Scott Gottlieb into children’s inside of the Lombardi Center, for is requiring companies such as Juul lives, parents the student athletes to power up to change their sales and marketing actually give a in their daily practice, inside of practices. The commissioner is also shit now. O’Hare Hall, and inside of Loyola trying to ban flavored e-cigarette Even if Juuls for the students participating in the become extinct products from the market. Dr. Gottlieb reducing adult nicotine addiction. Manresa program. and the FDA have been cracking because of new FDA regulations, If Juuls and flavored e-cigarettes the company has over 100 patents down on e-cigarette manufacturers are banned, there will be fewer and sellers, including launching to its name with the ultimate goal of alternatives for the initial consumer, eliminating smoking from “the face undercover sting operations targeting previous cigarette users. mostly Juul retailers who sell to teens. of the earth” according to Monsees. Besides banning flavors, Gottlieb I am really interested to see how they The FDA is launching this and the FDA are also planning to stop investigation because they believe implement this goal and what their the sale of e cigarette components next step is to ending this epidemic Juuling and vaping contribute to online, since supposedly many kids a large public health concern that because smoking is a cause of death stock up their Juul pods by buying in that is preventable. has been around forever: smoking. bulk because it is also cost efficient. Smoking kills about half a million In a recent interview, the founders of people each year from related cancers the Juul, who met while at Stanford and illnesses. While Juuls and other University, said that they would more october 3, 2018 the paper page 7 Donald Trump continues to normalize the absurd Realer by Suresh Hanubal Trump has off-the-rails press conference Staff Trump correspondent throughout the presser that the presumed that he said this in order On 26th September 2018 Than allegations against Kavanaugh to deflect from rumors that Chinese President Donald Trump held the were in a similar vein, aka not of and other global officials find Trump fourth solo press conference of merit. In the current tense and to be unintelligent. Another thing his presidency. President Trump Fact polarized political environment that Trump talked about at length most likely held this conference by Claire Nunez that the nation finds itself in, during his press conference was in order to fight back against these comments can be seen his incredible amount of fame. Pee Drinking Mountain Goats his administration’s numerous as insensitive. In addition, Specifically, he proclaimed that he in Washington State scandals, as well as the incredibly Trump harped on the fact that is “a very important famous person controversial nomination of Judge Dr. Christine Blasey Ford did unfortunately”. In a conference filled So how often do you think Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme about evil mountain goats? I not bring up these accusations with random non-sequiturs it was a Court. The presser also took have to say that I never do, but at an earlier time as evidence very fitting statement. As the United place only one day after Trump apparently there are mountain of the nominees innocence. States is currently renegotiating was laughed at while speaking goats in Washington State that This is a common talking point the North American Free Trade at the United Nations General have a super odd craving for among a number of figures, Agreement (NAFTA) with Canada and human urine. Yes, human urine. Assembly. This should have been but it ignores the trauma and Mexico, Trump also felt it necessary Sounds like my ex-- kidding. a fairly straightforward speech shame that can result from to make pronouncements on the Olympic National Park has been by Trump. However, as with all airlifting the goats out because being sexually assaulted. state of the deal. He specifically things the President seems to they have been attacking hikers. North Korea was another attacked Canadian Prime Minister be involved in, the conference Human sweat and urine contain major subject of discussion at Justin Trudeau and his negotiation quickly derailed and devolved a ridiculous amount of vitamins President Trump’s presser. He team, stating that he disliked the into utter absurdity. and minerals, which the goats said that he didn’t want to play Canadian negotiator and was desperately want. The 80 minute conference the “time game” with the hostile unhappy with their “mistreatment” The mountain goat population produced a number of memorable East Asian power. By this it can of the United States. He further is actually an invasive one that (yet extremely un-presidential) has been destroying the park’s be presumed that he meant elaborated that Canada was “taking lines, as the President jumped land and populations. The goats that the United States could advantage of” America, through from the trade war with China unfortunately need to be killed wait out on negotiations with NAFTA. to his own long running “fame”. as they are serving as a threat to North Korea until they further On a lighter note, throughout One topic in which Trump human safety. The park cannot gave into our preconditions the conference President Trump implement any kind of birth control spent a particularly inordinate and demands, as we have said a number of unverified and within the population because amount of time on was Supreme the upper hand. However, as rambling statements. One of these the animals are very ornery and Court nominee Kavanaugh. difficult to catch. I feel a bit bad with most of the rest of the was Trump pronouncing “You know for the goats, as the park plans to Trump said “I was conference, this portion was I got 52% with women. Everyone reduce the population by 90%. At filled with incoherent rambling. said this couldn’t happen -- 52%”. the same time, I would never want accused by four or Therefore, it was often difficult Trump in fact only got 41% of the to be mauled to death by a goat for five women who got to parse exactly what Trump Women’s vote. Another amusing my urine. Just some thoughts. was insinuating in each of his statement that he made was “This paid a lot of money pronouncements. On a related whole room would be filled up with to make up stories note, Trump also discussed hundred dollar bills.” The list goes China at length during the on and on, with nearly everything about me.” presser. Perhaps the most widely he said during this hearing being quoted comment on China from unintentionally funny. Although it this particular conference was may be great entertainment to hear He defended Kavanaugh by that the government and people the President of the United States comparing the accusations of of China have much respect “for say such ridiculous things in press sexual assault that the nominee Donald Trump’s very, very large conferences, it is incredibly worrying has faced to his own. Specifically, brain”. Again, as in the North for the political health of this country Trump said “I was accused by Korean case it is very difficult to that this is even happening. four or five women who got truly understand what Trump is paid a lot of money to make up saying here. Although it can be stories about me.” He implied page 8 the paper october 3, 2018 Meet Queen Quet, an Alumni That Has Become a Head of State by Robin Happel It Takes a Rare Ram to Literally Rule Copy Editor Fordham! What a city for a Fordham (www.GullahGeechee.net) to assist. Act” which was signed by US President One of our most illustrious alumni reunion - Paris, France! I have told George W. Bush in 2006. So, recognition hails from St. Helena, South Carolina. countless people about how proud Q: As a computer science and math is not what is now needed. Respect of our After graduating from Fordham, Queen that day made me to have graduated major, can you talk a little about why culture and the leaders that the people Quet Marquetta L. Goodwine became from Fordham at Lincoln Center! you became more politically involved? elected ourselves is the issue. We are still the first elected head of state of the seeing land and human rights violated and Gullah/Geechee Nation, and has since Q: For our students who don’t I had always been involved in land that is unacceptable! So, we will continue spoken to diplomats around the world know much about the Gullah/ conservation, preservation, and retention to stand up for our rights while also now to advocate for her peoples’ cultural Geechee, can you talk a little efforts even in grade school. After I battling the issues of climate change heritage and rights. As residents of bit about your cultural heritage? graduated from Fordham, I remained in that we are on the front lines of as well. barrier islands across the American touch with what was taking place and South, the Gullah/Geechee are highly Our ancestral ties are to Africa. There displacing people from my home. So, Q: Since 2010, you’ve been fighting vulnerable to hurricanes and other are numerous countries in West the elders of my community would call to stop offshore drilling. Do you see tropical storms, but remain undaunted Africa that Gullah/Geechees have on me to continue to return to South any similarities between the Gullah/ in their fight to protect their ancestral ties to, including but not only Sierra Carolina more and more frequently, Geechee and the Standing Rock lands. This is a glimpse of their story. Leone. To see a complete map and and I got more engaged in the policies Sioux or other original peoples charts, obtain my book, “The Legacy and laws of the county. I then founded fighting to protect their lands? Q: What is your favorite memory of Ibo Landing: Gullah Roots of the first organization to ever exist in as a Fordham student or alumni? African American Culture” which can the world with “Gullah/Geechee” in the I definitely see similarities. There’s the be found at www.GullahGeechee. name and used my education to launch fact that our cultural heritage is being My favorite memory at Fordham biz and via Amazon. Gullah/ the first website and list serve to ever disregarded by those that seek only to was gathering with the other Black Geechee settled Liberia and exist with Gullah/Geechee in the name make more money by causing further students to create “Molimo.” It was Freetown, Sierra Leone, but we have as well. I also taught the first online harm to the environment and the health our Black Student Union. The friends a much broader story with numerous course on my culture via NetNoir. This of those that are in areas where oil that I made there are still my friends countries of the Motherland from brought more and more attention has been drilled for, processed, and now, and we were an active part of which our kidnapped ancestors and support to the Gullah/Geechee transported through. Sacred lands are creating the “Black Latino Alumni were brought to the Sea Islands. Sea Island Coalition which I founded at stake, but our lives are even more Association (BLAA)” which I understand to work as an advocacy group for the sacred than that! Our lives are priceless! has now been absorbed into a Q: Is there anything Fordham rights of Gullah/Geechees worldwide. multicultural alumni organization. students can do to help the Q: Is there anything else you want Gullah/Geechee people in the Q: Since you’ve been such a Fordham students and faculty to My favorite memory as an alumni was aftermath of Hurricane Florence, in driving force in the UN recognizing know about the Gullah/Geechee? the fact that Fordham held a luncheon addition to supporting the Gullah/ the Gullah/Geechee, do you have at the UNESCO building in Paris, Geechee Land Legacy Fund? further plans for formal recognition? I want my fellow Rams to know that “De France and right after I had finished The Gullah/Geechee Nation has existed Gullah/Geechee binya and we ain gwine recording the Gullah/Geechee human Yes, they can contribute via app and since 2000. We are already recognized nowhey!” Gullah/Geechee culture has rights story there, I went into a UN NGO various other mechanisms. Every nationally and internationally. I am the existed from Jacksonville, NC to Jacksonville, session and found out that it was being year, March is “Gullah/Geechee head of state for the Gullah/Geechee FL on the Sea Islands and what is called sponsored by Fordham. The moderator Volunteer Month.” We have never Nation and we have dual citizenship in the the “Lowcountry” for hundreds of years and let us know that they had five tickets had any group of Fordham students US and the Gullah/Geechee Nation. The we will not allow it to go anywhere! When left for the private luncheon, and when come down and do community service Gullah/Geechee Sea Island Coalition led people plan to visit our coast, they should I let them know that I was a Fordham and transformational learning, but the charge with Congressman James seek us out and support our businesses, Alumni and I needed two of those five it would be nice to have them do Clyburn putting forth the bill to have the events, and economic endeavors and learn tickets, it seemed that every other so. They can email GullGeeCo@aol. United States support and recognize the true story of our cultural heritage. The person in the room was proud to say com and connect with the Gullah/ us. The United States Congress voted in legacy that we are fighting to hold onto that he or she had also graduated from Geechee Sea Island Coalition the “Gullah/Geechee Cultural Heritage is the foundation of American history. october 3, 2018 the paper page 9

Nerds Have a Stranglehold on Fordham By George Kite Staff Cool Guy A football a day keeps the nerds away God, I hate nerds. from. I saw a nerd leave the area and dorms, a supportive community, and Now, we must also assume the Ever since the traumatic incident of decided to track him down to find out RAs engaged with the residents lurk posture that force fields cannot always when I accidently went to a chess club his location of origin. After moving inside those halls. be reliable. That is why we must also meeting in the 7th grade, I have held from tree to tree, I saw him enter a But I ask you, students and faculty take into mind that a multitude of a great hatred in my heart for what building that I would vow to erase from of Fordham, will you permit such a 9th-level wizards may be needed. The society deems nerds, or as I like to refer existence: Queen’s Court. place to continue this vicious activity of first and foremost reason for wizards to them, evil incarnate. Such seething supplying nerds to our would be summoning a Prismatic Wall words of anger cannot explain how beautiful campus? abjuration spell. Assuming this wizard much I detest those glasses-wearing, No, you say, because has the proper metamagic feats, and electric-watch checking, academically you of all people know hopefully a Tome of Clear Thought, concerned, “nerdy” t-shirt displaying that the future is in this should not only create a physical vermin. Nerds threaten the very our hands. However, barrier but also a magical barrier, existence of civil society as we know it. we must have plans to considering it has a AC of 20. It cannot Simple walks in the park are disrupted prevent the denizens however create a planar barrier, so by nerds LARPing in the soccer field, of Queen’s Court from some kind of planar entity or deity childishly whacking each other with spreading throughout would be needed to disrupt the planar cardboard. Peaceful moments in class Fordham like a plague. cohesion of Queen’s Court. In addition, are interrupted by SOMEONE who just My first and having Demiplane traps, Programmed HAD to answer the teacher’s question. foremost method of Illusions, and Time Stop casted at They pollute legitimate institutions containing Queen’s Queen’s Court periodically will be like medical schools, engineering Court would be a enough to drain the nerds, granted programs, and Luxembourg with their simple polaron-based their Will save modifier is low. presence. level 5 force field. Finally, if all else fails, and nerds I went to Fordham University because Knowing that the do escape from Queen’s Court, we I thought I could finally be safe from the exterior of Queen’s would need to target their laptop countless nerds in my hometown. How Court contains no computers in order to hinder their wrong I was. neutronium-based nerdy capabilities. Simple DDoS Late this August, I visited the club fair alloys whatsoever, attacks would not suffice to disabling on Eddy’s, curious to see what social the photonic energy them, as they would certainly have organizations existed at Fordham. But should maintain a retroactive cell-connection failsafes. what did I see? Clubs like the gaming threshold of about No, we would need to brazenly hack club. The literary clubs. An astronomy 50%, provided there past their firewalls into their computer’s club. A chess club (I italicize this are no variances in mainframes. Initiating green code because the simple thought of a club the plasma module. In theta programs and binary distruports like that makes me shudder). My eyes The freshman dorm known as addition, giving the forcefield generator would ensure their software runtime watered with dread as I saw numerous Queen’s Court has been, from my metaphasic tetryon emission outbursts would lag behind ours. Ensuring that people line up to actually associate scientific observation, the spawning of .00781 Cochrane’s should prevent our hackers have accelerated net code with these people. ground of nerds at Fordham. Though subspace fluctuations from tampering will be the final nail in the coffin for As the fantasy of a nerd-free Fordham all nerds do not live at Queen’s Court, with the multi-adaptive deflectors. If those damn nerds. dissolved around me, I put my senses they all initially come from there. I all fails, inverting the polarity of the So, members of Fordham University, back into gear and realized that I had have only heard rumors of why such a force field should hold the nerds off what will you do to combat nerds? to find out where they were coming place exists. Such things like spacious temporarily. page 10 the paper october 3, 2018 Reviving the Dead: Why Everyone Should Study Latin By Sarah Cassidy Videtur dolor erit realiter Staff Linguist loose language intelligent ring to it. Sometimes I just “You’re wasting your time.” (as you can see throw out common Latin phrases such These are the words I hear from from my improper as “Quid pro quo” or “Vita mutatur, my roommate every Monday and grammar in this non tollitur” in normal conversation Thursday as I get ready to go to my article), Latin is the to amp up the discussion. Latin class. And every time she says complete opposite. Once you learn Latin, you can these words I scream, “NO, I’M NOT.” Every single Latin also walk around museums or While part of the reason I scream word in a sentence churches and be able to read ancient at her is that I am being defensive, has to be examined inscriptions. You will appear to be a the other reason for my screaming properly and genius, especially when everyone is simply because I believe that thoroughly in order around you stares blankly at the learning a dead language is useful. to understand the writing. And let’s not forget that Latin Yes, you read that right. Learning sentence. Latin is will help out even the biggest Harry Latin is useful. Before all the modern often compared Potter fan. Many of the names of language majors and minors storm at to math; both the characters and spells in Harry me in rage, let me explain to you why subjects utilize a Potter contain Latin roots. Did you I think everyone should study Latin. large amount of know that Severus translates into In middle and high school, I studied discipline, focus “severe”, Lupin into “wolf” and Albus French. After six years of studying and structure. into “white”? Probably not, unless you the language, I realized that I did The difference are one of the ten kids in my Latin English. This has come in handy not know a single thing. I could say between Latin and math is that Latin class. Even though many think that for all the classes I have taken so “Hello”, “Goodbye”, and on a good helps with human communication, Latin is dead, even some of the most far. For example, during one of my day, “How are you?” That is truly all which is essential for success in popular books in modern society are astronomy worksheets, I had no I learned. today’s society. By no means is influenced by Latin. Don’t you see idea what the heck vernal equinox While not everyone’s experience is learning how to communicate through how useful Latin is?! meant. So instead of freaking out, I like mine, I have met many people Latin easy. Every time I pick up some Learning a dead language is in simply turned to Latin as a reference. who have come out of language Latin to read, I feel like a detective some ways a rebellion against society. I figured out that the word for spring classes not learning much. Part of trying to decode some huge mystery. While the rest of the world obviously in Latin is “ver, veris” so I knew that the reason for this is that you are not I can feel the sweat running down my wants the language to die, those who vernal equinox means the spring going to become fluent in French or face, my heart racing and my head take Latin are slowly reviving the equinox. Easy and useful, right? I German by living in the United States. pounding. In the moment, it really language. I am challenging you to think so. To really absorb a language, you sucks. Especially when I translate the be unique and consider taking up a Another reason everyone should must immerse yourself in the culture sentence wrong (which is most of the dead language. Even though it is a lot consider taking Latin is because and actually be forced to speak the time). However, the feeling that I gain of work, you will not regret it. it is a real brain workout. Forget language. So after realizing that my after so much work and dedication is about watching Jeopardy! or doing dream of opening a coffee shop in amazing. It is a feeling of intellectual crossword puzzles and just pick up Paris was down the drain, I decided stamina; one that I do not find in any some Catullus to read. Latin is a to take Latin. Why? Because most other activity. systematic language meaning that English words hold a Latin root. If Lastly, learning a dead language every sentence you read in Latin you know some basic Latin, you will will make you appear smart. Just the has to be approached a certain way. be able to understand anything in sound of Latin has an elegant and While English is a fairly laid back and october 3, 2018 the paper page 11 Telling Lies: Uncovering the Secrets of Billion Surprise Toys By Meredith McLaughlin Watch the videos and judge for yourself Arts Editor toy gorilla to life. The gorilla, Franko, the family. For sure Mama, Johnny, for portraying a police state where no appears in later videos; showing that and Dolly (Johnny’s twin sister) are one is allowed to eat a snack without If you’re reading this article, I am a.) all videos are linked and b.) magical members. However, a third child being shamed by family members. sure you have some knowledge of occurrences have lasting effects, and named Chiya is either portrayed as a Papa is a health nut, and while his internet trends. If so, then you’re are not just a narrative tool to use in slightly older brother to Johnny, or as obsession might be explained by his probably familiar with Billion Surprise each episode. “Magic” provides us a friend. He hangs out in their house, career as a nutritionist (see: 5 Little Toys. For many, Billion Surprise Toys with a possible explanation for the but it’s never clear if he lives there or Babies), it does not justify forcing a conjures images of off-beat 3D massive head sizes of the children is just visiting. Johnny’s “Papa” also toddler to lift weights, or preventing animation, bizarre kids’ songs, and characters, how their dog can talk, seems to be a contested role. In most his wife and children from eating food. a talking pink refrigerator. However, and why Henry’s skin color changes videos, including “Johnny Johnny,” The unknown sister is the most these slightly odd childrens’ videos from a dark brown to a light tan-gray a mustachioed man with a round mysterious aspect of the BST universe: have more to them than just nursery between shots. This can also be face seems to be the Papa, however, as far as I know she is in one video: rhymes. Through hours of dedicated there is another man “Baby Girl, ICE CREAM SONG.” There viewing, my roommate and I have that has seemingly are many BST videos that involve the been uncovering the deep lore that is won the heart of family meeting Ice Cream Man at the at the heart of the Billion Surprise Toys Mama. in the video park, and learning about colors and Universe. Yes, much of our theories “Rock a Bye Baby,” flavors through the different types are based on conjecture, and a lot of a different man, who of ice cream. “Baby Girl” follows this the evidence is very “blink-and-you- me and my roommie premise, but many details are off. miss-it”. But with all the ridicule BST have lovingly dubbed The park is empty, excluding the girl has been facing, I want to release my “Thottie Dad,” is and Ice Cream Man. The sky is an findings to the public in an attempt to seen taking care incomprehensible mix between day help others look beyond the “Johnny of baby Johnny. and night, and everything besides Johnny” trend and appreciate these Furthermore, in the the girl is poorly rendered. Ice Cream videos for the cinematic masterpieces opening frames, a Man looks significantly worse than his that they are. I also urge readers who sharp-eyed viewer other incarnates. At the end of every want to learn more about the lore to can see a picture of song verse, Ice Cream Man and the visit BST’s website, as this provides Chiya on the wall. girl dance what looks like a jig, but character bios (though be aware that used to explain how entities like Mrs. This suggests that Thottie Dad was even that is off-beat. Considering both these tomes are incomplete.) Refrigerator and Ice Cream Man exist, the original father of Chiya, Johnny, the absence of the girl in other videos Before I delve into my analysis, we since both characters have anatomy and Dolly, who Mama later divorced and the unsettling look of the park, we must first establish the ground rules that disprove any theories that for a more successful man (Papa is have concluded that this older sister to the BST universe. Something that suggest they are humans wearing seen to be a doctor in multiple videos). is in some form of purgatory or hell, or is VITALLY important to understanding costumes. However, while magic can Fortunately, in the “Balloon Ballon” at least in a dimension separate from the BSTU is that magic is real and explain why these characters exist, it video, we can clearly see a family the others. While evidence beyond greatly affects the lives of each does not explain why they live with the portrait featuring the mustache dad, the one video is lacking, if you take character. This is seen most frankly Johnny family. Mama, Chiya, Johnny, Dollly… and the time to look into this matter you in the episode “My Dear Friend Johnny’s family are the main players a fourth older sister character who might uncover information to either Franko”, where Johnny (who is the in the BST universe, but despite this never appears in any of the videos confirm or deny this theory that we main character of the popular Johnny they are often inconsistent, mainly featuring the family. We’ll get to her might have missed. Johnny vids, as well as the BSTU concerning who actually is part of later. overall) uses a magic wand to bring a Often times BST videos are criticized page 12 the paper october 3, 2018 Arthur Avenue is Great ... Now it Just Needs an Olive Garden By Devin D’Agostino Real Italian cuisine for New York’s real Little Italy Staff Breadstick Boy the greatest bakeries, butcher shops, what need is there for an Olive Garden after the first Italians settled there, In the 1870s, tens of thousands of and pizzerias this side of the Apennine on Arthur Avenue? The answer to that the American Planning Association Italians seeking refuge from hunger, Peninsula, I was astonished to see that question is a simple one: community. recognized Arthur Avenue as one of poverty, and violence immigrated to absent from New York’s “Real Little “We’re all family here,” the restaurant the ‘Great Streets of America.’ With the the United States. Facing oppression Italy” was an Olive Garden. declares, and with its familiar and addition of an Olive Garden, it might and discrimination, these immigrants For a street that claims to be “the comfortable food and atmosphere, just become the greatest. formed their own neighborhoods best place for bread, pasta, meat, that line rings clear. * * * where they could feel accepted and pastries, espresso machines, and The continued success of Applebee’s If my argument was not enough, here at home. One of those neighborhoods more,” I find it strange that it has yet and Chipotle shows us that members is an actual customer review of the was a little street in the Bronx called to include the restaurant where Brad of the Fordham community are craving Olive Garden in Times Square: Arthur Avenue. From these humble R. from Toledo, Ohio proposed to his that intimate, personalized relationship “Finally, it was time to FEAST! beginnings, Arthur Avenue has become girlfriend of three years and exclaimed, that such restaurants provide. An Olive There was so much to choose from one of New York’s major tourist “Those breadsticks were the greatest Garden will continue to realize this - appetizers, pastas, customizable destinations – attracting hundreds of things to ever happen to me!” tradition. pastas, meat, seafood and more! We thousands of visitors every year. Still People come to Arthur Avenue Coming from an Italian-American decided to have an appetizer sampler, living in this neighborhood and calling it thinking they’re getting the authentic family, every Sunday we would all sit the five cheese ziti, and created a home are the children, grandchildren, Italian experience, but they’re missing down together and enjoy a dinner of pasta…. The breadsticks are A.MAZE. and great-grandchildren of those that classic shrimp scampi, braised seemingly endless dishes of pasta, ING. I finally understand the hype! And original immigrants. beef Bolognese, and S’mores Layer meatballs, chicken parmigiana, ravioli, the soup and salad are also amazing... Last weekend, I attended Arthur Cake that you can only get at Olive lasagna, and breadsticks – oh how I more restaurants need to get on this Avenue’s celebration of Ferragosto – Garden. long for that fettuccini alfredo that my board!” the Festival of August hosted annually Some may argue that with the dozens mom used to order. in September. Surrounded by some of of restaurants already lining the street, In 2016, one hundred and sixty years Guess What? School Dances Don’t Get Better in College By Zahir Quader Can’t high school ever end?? Staff Boogieman with your friends, you come up with be green?”). You begin to retreat into Greetings, loyal fan base. It’s your At this point in many of our lives we many excuses ranging from, “My date your mind while standing in the corner boy Z-Dawg, The Zim Zam… Zahir. can hardly decide if we prefer soup is sick and can’t make it tonight,” to, repeating your mantra, “What am I As many of you know, homecoming or salad. Trying to find someone at “My date lives in Canada and their doing here? I should’ve stayed home happened this past weekend and like a time when you barely understand flight got delayed due to a moose on and watched Parks and Rec a fifth every other event I do not attend (was yourself is very unpleasant. In this the runway.” If you were smart and time...then again The Office does look not invited to) it sucked. That isn’t the vulnerable time, rejection can sting wanted to avoid the whole situation pretty good.” You continually mumble important part though. While I am altogether you would this to yourself, praying for the night sure many people had a wonderful have simply said to be over. Then, as time goes on you time with their homies and romantic “I’m not going.” For begin to feel a little different. The associates at this flashback to high the sake of this op- food might be a bit funky, but there school, the rest of us experienced ed though, let’s just are plenty of vending machines in just that, “A FLASHBACK TO HIGH say you were “not the hall. You might feel alone but SCHOOL.” The hellish social anxiety above the influence,” there are plenty of other people who fest that was their high school dance and were pressured feel the same that you can hang out was born again with Pres Ball, as by friends, family or with. The lame music doesn’t seems many of us were having flashbacks society at large to go. as lame anymore, it actually has a to these awful moments spent in You end up going to a good beat to it. Next thing you know a dark, crowded gymnasium. From dance with or without you’re in Funky Town, eating a bag of getting food poisoning from the deli a date or maybe you Fritos while completely butchering the platter to your date leaving you for the go with a good buddy, Cupid Shuffle. By the end of the night captain of the football team, many of even. Maybe it won’t you forget how lame you thought it the silent majority who detested high be so terrible, you was going to be and are filled with a school have suffered from the social think. Then you arrive new feeling, maybe not of complete hell that is a high school dance. at the dance. ecstasy, but at least of satisfaction in Most people will agree that high It’s exactly what you feared it the fact that you did something new school is a less than desirable time. like a sword in the pancreas leaving would be. A bunch of people dancing and it wasn’t completely terrible. These awkward years, be it physically you with emotional scars that still around like clowns, taking selfies and or socially, are full of many challenges haunt you to this day (#ForeverAlone) screaming “#BEST NIGHT EVER!” You on the surface. Yet, when dance fever For many, the fear of rejection is so go to the snack table and see the hits it can add a new dimension to great they don’t even try to shoot deli platter (“Is bologna supposed to what is already a quite difficult time. their shot. In an effort to save face october 3, 2018 the paper page 13

the paper’s view Ask Bob and Judy Giving advice to a lost generation A Note on Everything Going On This week’s questions come to us from Brandon in Texas As we anxiously await the results of the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation, I want you all to know that we, as a publication, vow to always believe survivors. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford showed incredible bravery, Q: Hi Bob and Judy, how do I tell my crush that I like her? grace, and courage while she testified in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. She has nothing to gain from this, and everything to lose. Judy: You just go up to her and tell her! Just be yourself. I believe her. Fear is for wimps and Democrats. Bob: You don’t. You just act really awkward around her, These hearings haunt me. I felt a range of emotions while watching them. Hope, when Dr. Ford finished her testimony. Disgust, when never pluck up the courage to tell her how you really feel Kavanaugh was yelling. Fear, when I realized that he may be confirmed. and end up settling for her friend. She’s nice, sure, but The most intense emotion was anger, particularly with Senator Lindsey every day you wish you could go back and tell the woman Graham. When Graham said that Kavanaugh is not a monster or a gang of your dreams that you love her. Alas, you sit here while rapist, I was reminded of my own experience. Rapists are not monsters. your wife is out at orgy, answering readers’ questions, giv- They are humans. Humans hurt other humans. Most sexual assaults are by those close to the survivor. I was raped by someone I cared for— ing out advice you wish you had followed when you were my boyfriend at the time, someone I LOVED. I certainly did not think he their age. C’est la vie. was a monster. I think that in times like this, when men, women, girls, boys, non-binary folk, trans individuals, and so many others are willing to come out and share their stories; we must remember that we need Q: Ok, so I get the date thing, but should I tell a girl I love to believe each other. It takes incredible courage to share a traumatic her on the first date? experience like sexual assault. I believe Dr. Ford. And I believe all survivors. We can only hope that the Senate Judiciary Committee is willing to do the same here. Judy: You tell a woman you love her the MOMENT you SEE HER. She is NERVOUS and covered in powder and Claire lipstick, and will turn back into a fish if you don’t KEES DA GIRL. Please consider taking a few moments to call your state senator to Bob: Never, under any circumstances, tell a woman you oppose Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation. There are so love her. I still haven’t told Judy I love her. Richard Nixon many reasons why Kavanaugh shouldn’t be a Supreme Court justice, proposed to his wife on their first date, and that was a but that’s my opinion. What shouldn’t be an opinion is sexual assault. sign of weakness. You can’t let them think they’re special. You can find all the necessary phone numbers conveniently on our back cover! If you have questions for Bob and Judy, email the paper at [email protected] If you believe you have experienced sexual assault or related incidents, we want you to know that you have support. Some confidential resources, people who will not report your experience, are counselors at Counseling and Psychological Services, pastoral counselors at Campus Ministry, and medical providers at Health Services. If you are interested in reporting a formal complaint through the University, you can talk to any mandated reporter which includes faculty, staff, Resident and Commuter Assistants, and Public Safety. There is also the option to make an external report to the New York Police Department. No matter whether you report or not, there are people here to offer support.

Colleen page 14 the paper october 3, 2018 The Surprisingly Heartfelt Center of The Secret Life of the American Teenager By Gabby Curran For all its flaws, it makes an earnest attempt at an important conversation Copy Editor fit too much content in too little time. When people our age talk about Despite The Secret Life’s gawky the tween TV channel that culturally writing and poor acting, I have to give raised them, the arena is usually di- it credit for creating such a direct and vided between Disney and Nickelode- accessible platform for teenage preg- on. Few people seem to remember nancy and sex. At that time, I don’t the hilarious awkwardness that was think any other show targeted for ABC Family (yes, I still refuse to call it teenagers was quite as open about Freeform). It produced and continues the topic, with the possible exception to produce some of the most comical, of Degrassi. I don’t remember any ep- yet sometimes surprisingly thought- isodes of Hannah Montana or Drake ful, teen television shows to have and Josh, for instance, that discussed ever aired on the small screen, with sex the way that The Secret Life did–– dialogue and plot points the likes of or at all, really. which haven’t been seen since Hall- I also give The Secret Life immense mark’s made-for-TV movies. Some of credit for having a supporting charac- their most successful shows targeted ter with Down syndrome treated like at teenagers include Pretty Little Li- a normal human being. His disability ars, Switched at Birth, and one of my is present but is not highlighted as an guiltiest pleasures––The Secret Life integral part of his personality, and of the American Teenager. the show has him go through expe- The Secret Life first aired in 2008 own in the third season, Catholic post- mances), but the many plot points riences like getting a job, getting a and continued on ABC Family until er-child Grace goes through multiple it tries to stuff into one TV show is girlfriend, getting his heart broken by 2013, lasting five seasons and 121 boyfriends and sexcapades as she overwhelming and takes away from said girlfriend, arguing with his sister, episodes altogether. I first saw it at my learns to strike a balance between whatever message they were trying standing up for his family and friends, cousin’s house around age 11, feeling her faith and her sexuality, and Amy’s to send to their audience. One minute and rebelling against his parents. The so grown up afterwards because I had mother (played by Molly Ringwald, of it’s tackling teen pregnancy, the next show does this without casting him just watched a TV show that explicitly all people) comes out as gay after teen sexuality, and the next home- off as a token disabled character, as said the word “sex” in it. The plot (or getting a divorce from her husband. schooling. Don’t get me wrong–– many other shows unfortunately do rather, one of the many plots because Plenty of other minor, and frankly un- these are experiences that teenagers when they choose to include a handi- the show inexplicably churned out interesting, storylines appear over the go through and that deserve air time, capped person in their narrative. new episodes for five years) centers seasons, and therein lies one of the but on a show where the premise is All in all, I’d say this show was the around fifteen-year-old Amy (played biggest flaws of the show. a fifteen-year-old getting pregnant, equivalent of having The Talk with by Shailene Woodley––yep, the very Not only is the entirety of the show these plot points seem hastily and your dad as a teenage girl––strange, same), who finds out that she is dreadfully acted (with the exception unnecessarily crammed in. If it had awkward, uncomfortably funny and pregnant in the pilot episode. The of a few erratically decent perfor- been a show about, say, the general clumsily executed. Yet when you take first season chronicles her attempts Despite The Secret experiences of teenagers in America, a step back and examine its inten- to balance her pregnancy with her it would make more sense. But as a tions, you realize that it was just doing life as a teenage student. She goes Life’s gawky writing show that mainly focuses on sex and its best to start a conversation on a through a surprising amount of char- and poor acting, I have its consequences for still-maturing topic that not too many teen TV shows acter development, including contem- young people, narratives including seemed to want to discuss in the late plating abortion, switching schools, to give it credit for cre- things like a supporting character jet- 2000s. In many ways, it did set the and eventually choosing to keep her ating such a direct and ting off to Africa to study medicine for stage for other (arguably better) TV baby and raise it herself; but don’t get the summer don’t make much sense. shows like Glee, 90210, and The Fos- too excited. The maturity train stops accessible platform for The show also makes the mistake ters to prominently feature teen preg- there, and her character sees little teenage pregnancy and of following some of the characters nancy as a way to raise awareness to no growth in the following seasons outside of high school. Whether or of the consequences of sex among as she raises her son with the help of sex. At that time, I don’t not you’re still considered a teenager middle- and high-schoolers. Despite her baby daddy, bad boy Ricky (played think any other show in college is up for debate, but most The Secret Life’s oftentimes ridicu- by Daren Kagasoff, who unfortunately would agree that the experiences lously inept attempts at both humor seems to have faded into relative ob- targeted for teenag- you have as a university student are and gravity, it’s a heartfelt attempt on behalf of ABC Family to make a diffi- scurity despite being one of the better ers was quite as open drastically different from those you’ve actors on the show). had in high school. Having these im- cult subject matter more accessible Supporting characters make their about the topic, with mensely dissimilar settings in one to teens and their parents alike. way into the main narrative and even- show––especially one that spends tually branch out to add their own the possible exception the majority of its time in high school stories to the mix: Ricky’s ex-girlfriend of Degrassi. in its earlier seasons––just feels over- Adrian gets a pregnancy plot of her ly ambitious, like the creators tried to october 3, 2018 the paper page 15

“Sephro?” More Like “Oh No, This Woman Can’t Write.” by Eric Lutts Trigger Warning: this book does have a rape scene Staff “Magick” User is in a maximum security prison. But not quite fully explained by the plot exact, or don’t make any sense. If a lor Once in a generation, a book moving away from that obvious plot to defeat Jondu, and send him back is basically a year (as the book states), comes along that is so profound, so hole, Craela then falls in love with to space prison or something. In the that would make Craela nine years old, earth-shattering, that every book read Cryss, a male witch from Earth, whom process the cafe burns down, and and Cryss, the love interest, eighteen. afterward will be held to the same she meets through the telepathy Cryss’s mom, Arya, dies. Crysstian, Meanwhile, the rape that happened standard. waves. Cryss’s sister, Lorianna, upon learning this, then gets drunk off six lor ago, would make Craela three “Sephro,” by Kate Quinn, is not that completely absent of anything, then of alcohol he hid in the pumpkin (“Not when it happened. Ok, so what if a lor book. tries to summon Jondu to Earth, but the Pumpkin!” - an actual line from the meant two years of Earth time? That And I know what you may be thinking their father, Crysstian, stops her in the last chapter), before everyone gets still means that Jondu raped her when because I can read your mind: “Conor, act. Lorianna runs away, and Crysstian teleported to Sephro. she was six. These are the only two did you really write a thousand words shrugs it off with a ‘welp, she’s evil So you may have noticed, there are options, no other option would make just dunking on some self-published forever now’ at his own daughter, about five different plots to this story, sense given these circumstances. Amazon book with only two reviews? assuming she’ll end up in an insane and most of them come out of left field. Unless, of course, you were to state Isn’t that just rage fodder?” asylum. Fifty pages later, Craela then The whole Jondu thing, which, mind something stupid, and that to find Absolutely. Which is why I can’t stop says that Cryss you, is mentioned someone’s age in earth years you had myself from talking about it. Please, and his family in the opening to take however old they are in lor and send help. should move to chapter, disappears add ten, which Quinn found to be so Sephro, by Kate Quinn, is one of Sephro, because of for about half of obvious that she didn’t feel the need the worst books I have ever had the reasons never fully the book. You may to ever explain this in her own book. displeasure of reading. To summarize explained by the have also noticed If the book was just that with no the book would be to tell of absolutely plot but also love. that no one’s name central plot to follow, characters that nothing happening for ninety percent We also learn that is spelled remotely had no motivation, and a language that of the book, while vague things are Lorianna became pronounceable. makes no sense, it would have been hinted at. When the plot rears its head evil because a girl “Sephro” has a fine. Actually, it wouldn’t have been in the last three chapters, it goes by in her class spilled massive problem fine, but it would still be better than so fast as to be rendered a confusing paint on her art with its gratuitous what we have now. Then you actually try nightmare. project five years ago, and clearly fantastical language, to the point to read the thing, and realize that the As I can ascertain, Sephro’s story that sent her on a downward spiral where the author includes a glossary author has no concept of connotation, is this: Craela, a Sephron of nine lor to becoming the main antagonist of to translate all the words that she tone, sentence structure, and even old, is having a nightmare about when this story. Craela now has to complete came up with, half of which don’t make how to use ellipses. The entire book she was raped by her uncle Jondu six an obstacle course without wings or any sense. Chapter 1 introduces us is peppered with gems such as, “She lor ago. Upon waking up from said teleportation to attain adulthood, for to terms such as: Kaplan, Largo, Lor, could see the tree looming in front of nightmare, we meet the supporting reasons never fully explained by the kaean, magickal (spelled like that), her, a comforting sight,” and “Pure evil cast, Arlaw and Dureli. Arlaw and plot. Then, Jondu teleports her to Kano, Head Shoki Coran, Ror Shoki was there.” One chapter ends with the Dureli are having a secret love affair Earth at the last second to the cafe Tanna, Clorkhana, Sartozhia, Pythacar, line, “They looked across the fields which must remain secret because where Cryss is because we’ve hit the Jadai, Loki, and LaGala. About half of of [berries], without which, everyone of reasons never fully explained by two hundred page mark, we need the these are explained within either the would die,” and immediately follows it the plot. We also learn two things: plot to show up at some point, and text or the glossary, and it only gets up with a pillow fight. that Sephrons can teleport across the why not now? So Cryss and Craela worse from there. And you all should read it. cosmos, and that Jondu (a sephron) uses the power of love or something Some of the definitions aren’t quite page 16 the paper october 3, 2018 Events Top 3 True Crime Podcasts to Listen to on Your Way to FMH by Ashley Wright Just don’t get into Tumblr true crime ok What: New York Coffee Staff Casual Case Listener Get Murdered” or “You’re in a Cult, Call making it difficult to binge-listen. Festival Despite the many concerning looks Your Dad,” if they distract you on those However, it is perfect for those times Where: Metropolitan I’ve gotten from friends and family nights when every bump reminds you when your mind might otherwise members, I cannot help but indulge of Jack the Ripper or Ted Bundy. wonder, such as when you’re walking Pavilion, NYC my slight addiction in all things true If you’re looking to impress, and to class or sorting through your ever- When: Sunday, Oct 14 crime. I can easily list of my “favorite” maybe even concern your friends with growing pile of laundry. from 12-6pm serial killers (while making it clear I the amount of serial killer facts you True Crime Garage absolutely do not condone or idolize can list off—then My Favorite Murder In the immortal words of Hannah How Much: tix start at them) as well as go into absurd detail probably isn’t for you. But, if all you’re Montana, True Crime Garage is “the $19 on crimes people have never even looking for is some quick entertainment best of both worlds”. It has the factual Why: yummy covfefe heard of before. One of my favorite ways that won’t send you in a downward accuracy and the colloquialisms, to support this habit is by constantly spiral for the rest of the day, then I making it the appealing choice to many listening to a podcast. Whether you can’t recommend it highly enough. audiences. What: Immigration Clinic simply haven’t mastered the skill of Casefile Similar to My Favorite Murder, the Volunteer Training watching Netflix and walking to class at Casefile is the exact opposite of My format of the podcast is structured as the same time or you just can’t wait until Favorite Murder, but again, this podcast two friends who have gotten together for Where: McMahon 109, you get back to the dorm, podcasts are makes it work. The work put into this everyone’s favorite casual discussion Lincoln Center Campus the often-overlooked solution you need podcast, in terms of research and fact- topic—horrific crimes. Spanning from When: Thursday, Oct 18 for getting your crime fix. Which is why checking, is truly astounding. In fact, conspiracy to murder, the show covers I’ve decided to share my top podcast the host’s name is never even revealed just about every topic under the from 12-2pm recommendations. as it’s deemed irrelevant to the telling umbrella of true crime. It also has the How Much: FREE My Favorite Murder of the cases. All listeners know about research to back it up, making it an Why: Be a compassionate Chances are, if you were to look up him is that he is dedicated to telling the actually reliable source of information. any “Top True Crime Podcasts” list, My stories of victims and survivors alike. Episodes tend to consist of news clips, human being pls Favorite Murder light-hearted jokes, will be on there, statistical analysis, and What: Stay Home Club and this one is casual speculation along no exception. The with much more. NYC Pop-Up reason for this The only downside Where: Boris and Horton, isn’t too clear, as to this is that while the 195 Avenue A, NYC the MFM Podcast show possesses the is everything positive qualities of When: Saturday, Oct 6 true crime other podcasts, it can 10am-7pm shouldn’t be. also fall victim to the How Much: FREE It’s lighthearted same pitfalls. The hosts (i.e. full of vulgar have tended to veer off Why: .dog friendly cafe jokes), the hosts topic, dedicating blocks with coffee and beer!!! tend to go off on of time to tangents that tangents that can seemingly don’t relate last between 3 to a specific case at all. and 30 minutes, The formulaic nature of and sometimes the episodes can also the details about result in them bleeding the crimes aren’t together, which becomes even accurate. more noticeable after But strangely, it excessive bingeing. works. The cases are non-America centric, True Crime Garage is a great example In the gritty and depressing world and tend to take place in Australia, of what a podcast should be. It works that is true crime, you need outlets that given that that is where the host is both for listeners who have a casual don’t take themselves too seriously from. This adds an extra layer to the interest in the world of crime, as well and that you can catch yourself platform, as it consists of incidents that as those who feel they’ve heard all the laughing out loud to. While hosts Karen most of us have probably never even same stories before. Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark are far heard of before. (On a personal note, from professional researchers, they I find that nothing eases the gruesome do try their best to be respectful and details of crime than an accent.) relatable, which in this case is enough. While the episodes of Casefile are And what’s the harm in collecting a expertly researched and produced, it few pithy quotes, like “Stay Sexy, Don’t does tend to fall a tad monotonous, october 3, 2018 the paper page 17 Captain Marvel Soars onto the Big Screen Shows by Stacy Lacina The MCU finally has a female-led film Staff Cosmic Warrior What: Chris Fleming’s The trailer begins with Carol uncer- Captain Marvel’s iconic blue and red The first Captain Marvel trailer “Paradise For a Toad” emoniously crashing into a Blockbust- suit with the star on her chest (a uni- dropped at 8 AM on September 18th, er, which is A+ 90s nostalgia. Soon form which isn’t sexualized!), and Carol Comedy Show and I actually hauled my ass out of bed enough, Nick Fury (with two eyes!) finds “powering up” as energy bursts around to watch it the moment that it was re- Where: BMCC Tribeca her. She explains to him: “I keep hav- her and consumes her eyes. leased. It did not disappoint. Performing Arts Center ing these memories. I see flashes…I The release date pops up – March Captain Marvel is the next install- think I had a life here, but I can’t tell 2019 – and boy, could that not come When: Saturday, Oct 13 ment in the MCU, and it stars Brie if it’s real.” Interspersed with Carol’s soon enough! Larson as the titular hero, Jude Law, at 8pm alien present are the images from her Marvel fans have been both excited Gemma Chan, Lashana Lynch, and How Much: $25 human past—fingers lingering over her and nervous about this film. Captain Ben Mendelsohn. Also returning to the fighter jet, playing baseball as a little Marvel is one of the most beloved Mar- Why: .If you’ve seen franchise are Samuel L. Jackson, Clark girl, and flashes of the abduction which vel characters of all time, especially Gregg, and Lee Pace. “Gayle Waters-Waters” gave her powers. to female fans, and there has always So far, the only description we have on Youtube, then you’re For the first time, we see the elite been concern about the MCU get- of the film is this: -“Cap ting her character wrong. I dying to see Chris tain Marvel gets caught think most fans can dismiss Fleming live. If you in the middle of a galac- those worries after this trail- tic war between two alien er, however. The female-led haven’t then you should races.” But from what team behind the film have still go because Chris we know of the Captain Carol’s character well in Fleming is hilarious. Marvel comics, as well hand, and Brie Larson not as the information we got only looks the part, she acts from the trailer, I think we the part too. What: Lexie, Honey Cutt, can safely deduce sev- Although some fans have and Noods Show eral things. The film will raised concern that Carol’s follow Carol Danvers, an characteristic snark and Where: Rod’s Coffee Air Force pilot who gets sarcasm will be lost in such House abducted by an alien a serious portrayal, I have When: Saturday, Oct 13 race called the Kree and faith in the creative team is imbued with their pow- behind the film. One screen- at 8pm ers. Several years later, writer actually addressed How Much: FREE with very little memory of these concerns, saying: Why: .good tunes, her home planet, Carol “Captain Marvel has a very returns to stop an alien funny voice, and [the movie mediocre coffee, and gr8 invasion by the shape- is] more of an action-com- company shifting Skrulls. edy…Carol Danvers is one Now, if some of you are of the funniest comic book confused as to how this characters. She’s so sassy, What: Troye Sivan: The fits into Infinity War and she’s such a smartass, she Bloom Tour (spoiler alert) Thanos’ won’t take shit from any- Where: Radio City Music Snap, don’t worry! Cap- one…it was important that tain Marvel takes place the entire Captain Marvel Hall completely in the 1990s. creative team [kept to that].” When: Tuesday, Oct. 9th And although it is set Of course, there has been at 7:30 pm decades before Thanos’ sexist backlash to the trailer quest to collect all of the – when is there not sexist How Much: Lowest ticket Infinity Stones, there can backlash to something that price is $65 be no doubt that the events of Captain military team that Carol leads, called women are excited for? The comments Marvel will be heavily influenced by the Why: “Because he’s fun, Starforce. Among their members are section of this trailer is currently filled third Avengers film. and he’s a bad dancer Mar-Vell (played by Jude Law), who with male trolls, telling Brie Larson But let’s set aside the fact that comic book fans may recognize as the that she needs to “smile more.” Once and it’s funny.” -Editor in this may be the most important MCU original Captain Marvel before Carol again, male nerds demonstrate that movie to date, given that Carol has al- Cheif Claire took over the role in 1977. they simply cannot stand a compelling ready been confirmed to be the game- In between overlapping images of and serious female narrative. changer in Avengers 4. Let’s also put Carol’s past and present, the words Well, their loss is our gain. I, for one, aside the fact that this is Marvel’s first “Discover what makes her a hero” ap- will be first in line when Captain Marvel female-led solo film. Let’s just focus on pear (which sent chills down my spine, tickets go on sale in late February! the film and trailer itself. I won’t lie). And the trailer ends with page 18 the paper october 3, 2018 Battle of the Bowl Cuts: Diving Under a Childhood Haircut by Edward Lucano Check out these two zany artists! Staff Alien Boy between a Gov Ball mosh pit and a listener. This pastime of mine is what emanates pales in comparison to a Let’s get ready to mumble! Good coffee shop open mic night. However, led me to make the switch from Apple smooth vibe that is completely his Jesuit day, Paper readers, and welcome on the other side of the spectrum is Music to Spotify this past January. own. For instance, “I’m Just Snacking” to today’s match-up. In the left corner, Oliver Tree’s satirical interpretation of Although both streaming services offer combines his traditional skills in piano weighing in at approximately one pop and hip hop. Although the wacky immense music libraries, I felt that and ability to sing in a high range hundred pounds of hair dye and nail character Tree’s social media platform Spotify made it much easier for me to of octaves with echo distortion and polish with a body fat percentage of has allowed him to create is half of find new music rather than harping on bubbling autotune that masks tender zero is Gus Dapperton. And in the right his stage presence all of the throwbacks tales of his experience with family and corner, weighing in with vape clouds itself, the cadence I have had since I relationships in an unorthodox effort to thick enough to suffocate a flock of with which he raps listened to them on my put them in the spotlight at the same pigeons and a jacket puffy enough to and sings truly makes iPod Shuffle. Keeping time. On a similar note, Oliver Tree’s finish the job is Oliver Tree… The prize his music enjoyable to this ease of collection utilization of these musical methods here is bigger than music – they may listen to. Seeing that in mind, my Spotify Daily highlights the fun and reckless nature just have the guts it takes to make it these two performers Mixes have opened up that Dapperton’s maturity cancels out. in the industry, but now it is about the are completely different a whole new world of Tree’s “Alien Boy” is a lyrical manifesto cuts and if the bowls have symmetry. when it comes to their artists whose music is of how weird and questionable of a Please take your seats – now it is time lyrics and audiences, now at my disposal, and human being he really is, which is for a fight as good and clean as their the fact that they both it now includes the Bowl supported by a beat full fast-paced scissor trims: have bowl cuts is not Cut Duo whether I like it electric pangs that perfectly reflect his Haircuts aside, both of these artists just a minor aesthetic or not. clout-driven life as it rushes past him offer a unique sound to their respective detail to glance over, and it is my First up is Brendan Rice, otherwise aboard his Razor scooter. musical genres. Dapperton belongs to duty to reveal how their willingness known by his stage name of Gus No matter how you cut it, the brilliant the indie-alternative family, but the to look like mushrooms mirrors their Dapperton. Upon first glance, Dapperton minds below these bowl cuts makes energetic production behind his mellow determination to become famous by seems like the personification of a this fight result in a draw. Thank you for music leaves his audience nodding to staying true to themselves. pair of zebra-print Doc Martens. On watching and have a pleasant evening. its rhythm at a speed that is somewhere I would consider myself an avid music the contrary, the hipster glimmer he Hozier Took Me to Church, and It Was Phenomenal by Hillary Bosch Finally, Hozier is back with all new tracks Opinions Editor look it up. The song, not the movie). day after the concert listening to their not. Listen to any of his songs and you’ll You’re standing in a historical Though it was obvious half of the entire discography. find yourself breathing to the rhythm, theater decorated with classical crowd was only there to hear “Take At the concert he performed humming along by the second verse, Roman iconography, swaying with a me to Church” live, he put on a great favorites like “Jackie and Wilson”, and unable to think of anything but couple hundred strangers in complete show for fake fans and die-hards alike. “Cherry Wine,” and ended with “Take his voice and his guitar. For example, darkness and almost complete silence, Accompanying him on stage were Me to Church.” Interspersed with the here’s the chorus from my favorite spare one sound. Booming bass three back-up singers, two guitars, classics he also performed all four song “From Eden”: ripples through the seats and strikes a bass guitar, an new songs from the EP. you in your chest, sweeping out your organ, piano, drum He also performed a NEW, Honey you’re familiar like my mirror breath and swirling it into the fog on set, keyboard, and UNRELEASED song titled years ago the stage. And then, Hozier steps into violin! It wasn’t “Movement” and my spirit Idealism sits prison, chivalry fell on a blood red spotlight and you forget just a band--it left my body. His new music it’s sword everything you’ve ever known. was a symphony. further solidified his style Innocence died screaming, honey On September 25, I had the His opening act, loved by fans across the ask me I should know opportunity to see the Irish guitarist, Hudson Taylor, also globe: soulful vocals, bluesy I slithered here from Eden just to sit vocalist, and songwriter Hozier live at put on a great show. guitar riffs, spooky lyrics, outside your door the Beacon Theater on the Upper West The Irish folk group and a reverb that shakes Side of Manhattan. If you live in New put on an energetic all of your emotions. I’m not I have NO IDEA what it means but York City and have at least one moody/ performance crying, you’re crying. No wait it’s INCREDIBLE. Hozier captures the poetic friend, you probably heard complete with that’s just me crying. Oh now essence of spoken poetry and sets it about it. It was a big deal! Earlier this fiddles, harmonicas and tambourines, we’re both crying and Hozier is crying, to a rhythm that twists your emotions month, Hozier released his EP Nina oh my! They helped balance out the yep group hug time. into whatever he pleases. I have never Cried Power, which was also a big deal mood of the night and get the crowd on Though he seemed to disappear been so happy to be manipulated. He because he hasn’t released an album their feet before Hozier. Normally I find from the scene, his fans always held promised to have more new music since 2014. 2014! He’s only produced opening acts to be more of a filler, but out for more. It wasn’t hard; his music by the end of the year, and I will hold one other song in the past 4 years and Hudson Taylor gave an incredible show has a way of pulling you in by your him to it. You can find me patiently it was for that random Tarzan movie, in their own right. I actually spent the heartstrings whether you want it to or refreshing my Spotify until that day. so it doesn’t count (but it is beautiful, october 3, 2018 the paper page 19 Childish Gambino Is So Good, He Should Be Allowed to Kill One Person by Katelynn Browne Watch out for goobers standing next to you tho. Features and List Editor so, he began to bust out these mesmer- ish Gambino performing Redbone live, with his boys something like 3 minutes On Saturday September 15, a few izing dance moves, which were similar hitting high falsettos like no one’s busi- before the show starts, scooching their friends and I made the trip down to to those seen in the “This is America” ness, dancing, and working the crowd. way in front of me and my friends with Madison Square Garden to see our music video, and at times echoed the I didn’t think it was possible to love his their cups of beer, dangerously close queen, Childish Gambino. choreographic stylings of Michael Jack- music more than I already did, but then to our faces, and dangerously close to The show opened with the hip-hop son, which was super rad. he went and did that. He really didn’t spilling. duo Rae Sremmurd, which for the Soon after the opening song, Gam- have to snap on us that hard like damn. He was having trouble locating his record I still don’t know how to pro- bino told the audience to put away their Aside from the phenomenal talent seat due to the darkness of the the- nounce, and its okay if you don’t know phones for the duration of the concert, of Childish Gambino, there was this atre, and I was like yeah man the seat how to pronounce it either. The stadium and compared the concert experience fantastic electric guitar player who had there (the one next to me) is your seat wasn’t full when they began their set, we were about to partake in to church. this incredible solo - Gambino gave which was a Horrendous mistake, be- yet the duo still managed to give an en- This created a really interesting atmo- him the front and center of the stage cause my politeness was taken as an ergetic performance. They really tried sphere - I’ve never been at a concert and this guy just went HAM. In that mo- invitation for homeboy to talk to me the their hardest to get the crowd pumped where there were only scattered glim- ment, I suddenly understood people’s entire concert. and engaged with unfortunately Like, my guy looked like he was lackluster results. maybe 30, and I’m gonna keep One of the brothers hopped off it real with you chief, I was look- stage and ran into the crowd at one ing high-key underage that day point, in an attempt to hype every- - I think I looked 16, 17 at best one up, which worked a little, but (for the record I’m 19, but still.) the general feeling in the crowd was And he kept making these stu- mellow. Most people were seated, pid comments to me throughout or trying to find their seats, and only the show like “oh I really like this those who had seats by the foot of one” and I’m like well yeah, me the stage were really standing and too fam, that’s why I spent like into the performance. Eventually, $70 on concert tickets - to lis- they finished their set, maintaining ten to Mr. Glover, and not these the same level of excited energy the sorry attempts at talking to me. entire time - which I admired - and He was also like copying my Sick left. dance moves, and I’m not here Then it was time for the real for that...Also, he and his boys show. Childish Gambino appeared were making loud comments on stage, with a single white light during the slower and softer beaming upon him, standing with songs which was really annoying, his head bowed, as the beginning and really really took me out of of his new song played. I do not it. He also asked me if one of the recall the name of his new songs - he mers of cellphone light illuminating the love of rock in a way I never understood dancers/backup singers was his mom. released two during the concert and all stadium. Normally, at times during con- people’s love of rock before. There were And I was like...fam what? I just didn’t I remember was that they were abso- certs, it can feel as if you are watching a also phenomenal backup singers and answer that one because that was... lutely incredible, and I couldn’t wait for performance through the lens of some- dancers who gave outstanding perfor- dumb. them to be released for streaming and one else’s cellphone camera, which mances which are not to be overlooked. Anyway, all in all the concert was a purchase. can sometimes diminish the impact of I really wish I knew the name of that gui- fabulous experience - if you ever get the At the start of the first song, the the experience. tarist because he really blew me away. opportunity to see Childish Gambino crowd went absolutely nuts. My friends As for whether or not the concert was My only complaint about the concert live, you absolutely should! Just make and I also went nuts. (We were part of akin to church - I only wish church was was regarding the guy who was seated sure your seat neighbors don’t suck like the crowd after all.) After a minute or as moving of an experience as Child- next to me (or rather standing next to mine did, and you’ll be golden me). This guy shows up to the concert page 11 the paper october 3, 2018

Chris <3

Chrissie is rocking a bust- Jerry <3 down tommy watch and Here Jerry is sporting a stylin gucci belt. On his a tres chic denim with a bottom half, christie is super cute black crop top, wearing some hella baggy exposing his fabulous abs. chinos. on his top, he’s He is in the go-to T-pose, got a classic ralph lauren about to take off in flight... polo. He is donned in black denim jeans, secured tightly with a black belt. Be sure to Get the look for copy Seinfeld’s look for an only 4 small pay- Purchase Jerry’s look at your local authentic normcore look. ments of $99.99. Urban Outfitter’s for something like $200. K r a m e R

the weather in New york may be getting colder, but that doesn’t mean you have to put your nipples away. for the fall season, kramer advocates for full chest exposure, accessorizing with a pigeon hat for maximum warmth. pigeon hats can be found on most new york streets for free - the trick is catching them. this can be risky business so be careful this pigeon catching season!!

Kramer’s outfit is not for sale; it is priceless october 3, 2018 the paper page 12

Hey y’all! It’s cuffing season Not really? .... I felt this one when it actually sorta works again and I’m still lonely. Of I used Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble My only horror story is that I can’t out??? course I use dating apps to for a while. I met a lot of weirdos get a match. I joined Tinder for a total of 2 try to cope with this pain. and many cool people. I met one months this past summer. I know guy, went on 3 dates. and then he Fully the most bizarre story it’s a great way to meet new I thought I’d ask the paper went back to school. I visited him I once got liked by a poly couple people, but I was so scared I only editors: Do you have any in New Orleans over spring break but their description was fucking swiped on people I knew! I went dating app horror stories?? last year. I, uh, could’ve died but insane. Like 10 screenshots long. home for a week and decided to he didn’t kill me so that’s good. (Editor note: I’m including some of swipe right on some cute randos; Cute dog, gross boy And we’re still kinda together so it here bc if I had to read it, so do I had no intention of meeting up I matched with this one dude that’s also good. I’m just glad I you.) with any of them! But one guy was like a year ago and I thought he didn’t die in the woods. “For those interested in romantic very persistent; so we met at a was p cute. We decided to meet vibes, we dabble in menage-a- bar. And you know what? He was up and go out for drinks. Dis boi Men never fail to bewilder trois, however, prefer long-term, perfect. We clicked immediately seemed like a decent person and me FIDELIOUS ‘triad’ relationships. and talked from 9 pm to 6 am- We only take part in polyfidelity or -granted, with a lot of, uh, not owned two dogs, so I thought, I asked this question so obviously polyfidelitous relationships as in talking in between. But then I left. what could go wrong? He made I had to have something up my we DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN OPEN He lives there, I live here. We don’t some off-color joke, followed by sleeve. I’m into men that look like RELATIONSHIPS. If you express talk anymore. We’re dating other “It’s ok, I’m Jewish, I can say that.” they’re on the verge of death so interest in either one of us sepa- people. It was so much worse than I was skeptical that this would be that’s kinda what this boy looked rately instead of both of us, we will a bad date, it was the perfect date, any more fun, but he was buying like. I’m talking eye bags, super exclude you from even being our and I will never see him again. my drinks and food so I figured skinny, pale af, and generally friend.” what the hell. We then went to go drained of all life. So this boy sit on a bench where this dude actually messaged me first on A tru tragedy :/ proceeds to cradle me in his arms Tinder, which was odd. I should’ve Could i get a yeehaw? Ok so one time I went to meet this like a baby which felt beyond assumed he was whack by the One time as a prank, my friends really pretty guy somewhere in the weird because I had literally just way he talked, but I’m desparate, set me up on a bunch of dating Bronx for a hookup; he straight met him in person. After a little so whatever. He told me he was a sites. These profiles included up just sent me his location on while of awkwardly ~cuddling~ fucking New York Fashion Week singlemingler12 on OkCupid and Grindr and I ubered there. After an he offered to drive me up to the model, so I casually asked him farmgirl[insert really long number] hour, I realized I’d been stood up 4 train so I could go home. As we why on earth he matched with on FarmersOnly.com. The worst and ordered an uber home. But 5 walked to his car, he proceeded to me. I mean... what? Why is a one was FarmersOnly.com minutes later, I noticed my uber smack my ass and go “Is that why NYFW model wasting his time because they made my profile say had arrived and someone else was you have such a nice booty?” He on the human version of a gas I was 30 years old and looking for in it. I called the driver and he was proceeded to never text me again, station hot dog? He proceeded to other farm girls near me when like “That’s weird. Byee.” It started which looking back was one of the respond “Haha idk, I like ur boob.” in fact I was 19 years old, only raining, my phone died. My friends best things the universe has ever Wow, I love romance. Also.. which interested in boys, and didn’t need sent me an uber while I sat on the done for me. TL;DR just because a one? Why only one? Let’s just say a farmer! This was not a fun time curb, soaking wet, wondering if I’d guy owns two dogs doesn’t mean we didn’t work out. changing passwords and deleting have to walk until I wasn’t lost or if that he’s a sweet person. accounts! it would arrive. It did. page 22 the paper october 3, 2018 Rod Stewart. Actually, that’s SIR Rod Superclean, Vol II Stewart to you - homeboy was knighted The Marias in 2016 what’s Good. You may know Annie Muscat him - maybe your mom is obsessed with him like my mom is. He was a super popular musician in the 70s and 80s. You may know him from classic hits such as “Young Turks,” “Maggie May,” “Forever Young” or “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy.” You absolutely know these songs look them up. With that introduction out of the way, Sir Stewart at the age of 74 just dropped a new album called Blood Red Roses last week and let me tell you - that shit was very okay. My favorite track from the album was called “Grace” mostly because it reminds me of soft Irish ballad-style folk music, and it makes me think of my family. The songs on the album, I think, might creepiness of the piece. There’s also The Outer Ones have worked better as singles - a lot of The first time I listened to The Marías, a great instrumental track, “Ex Nihilo,” Revocation them were stylistically quite different, I was in disbelief. Where had these which adds some awesome filler to Christian Decker ranging from disco, to 70s/80s rock to captivating sounds been all my life? break up the lyrical half of the album. what I can only describe as the “diddly- The Los Angeles-based band re- There’s a sick section with a string of diddlies.” The album, in my opinion leased their first EP, Superclean Vol. arpeggios which sound so fluid and lacked cohesion both in genre and I, last year and immediately gained a ethereal you can feel the Lovecraftian in content.The last four songs on the substantial following. Led by beautiful influence in the music. The last track, album were kind of boring and all sort Puerto Rican singer María, the group A Starless Darkness, does a great of melded into each other, which then describes their dreamlike melodies in job of concluding the album with a feels like too much cohesion. The first both Spanish and English as “psyche- 7-minute-long piece and an awesome song and the last song had this slight delic soul.” Their songs are undeniably faded ending. My only complaint is autotune which felt really weird. sensual through their breathy vocals that the album isn’t longer as it clocks However, this is not to say there and jazz influence. in at around 48 minutes. were no good songs on the album Thankfully, The Marías blessed this - some of them felt nostalgic like undeserving world with a new EP on Favorite Track: “Didn’t I” and “Farewell.” “Rest of My September 28 titled Superclean, Vol. “Fathomless Catacombs” In delivering their seventh studio Life” was a straight bop. But for the II. Composed of six songs ranging from album, Revocation has unleashed an most part, I will have to say, Sir Rod’s a minute to over five in length, the EP astonishing to display of musicality as voice is holding quite well and I find it reasserts the band as an absolute well as metal song crafting. The Outer admirable that he’s still making music creative powerhouse. The first lyrics of Ones has some of the best technical +.25 even into the age that he’s at. I think the initial track, “Ruthless,” start with death metal songs that I’ve heard it shows passion for his work, which I María’s seductive: “Hello, it’s nice to in a while. The album starts off with respect. see you again. Did you miss me?” the hard hitting “Of Unworldly Origin,” Yes, María, we did. Blood Red Roses which tells the story of a guy going Favorite Track: “Grace” “Cariño” is an up-tempo beat with insane after seeing some ritual being Rod Stewart mesmerizing guitar riffs while “ABQ” performed by a witch. The album has Katelynn Browne slows things down a bit with tantaliz- such a strong opening with a technical ing R&B vibes. “Loverboy” can be onslaught of scales and chugs. This described as nothing other than sex in also includes the second track, “That musical form. “Over the Moon” evokes Which Consumes All Things,” which a sort of melancholic romance ac- again packs a hell of a punch to get companied by hypnotic synth. Finally, you invested with the rest of the “Clueless” ends the EP on an ex- album. The fourth song, “Fathomless tremely catchy note. You can’t help but Catacombs” is by far my favorite. It shimmy to the rhythm and sing along contains lyrics about beings lost deep with María each time she smugly in the depths with horrors creeping insists: “You’re telling me I can’t take around every corner. Although the this shit no more, baby. How does it lyrics are screamed, it’s surprisingly feel every time I let you down?” easy to understand and the guitar Superclean, Vol. II is a fantastic col- work is phenomenal with amazing lection of songs, each carrying its own solos embellishing and adding to the distinct emotion. I find it difficult to put october 3, 2018 the paper page 23 The Marías’ music into words. After all, highs and emotional lows. “Let It made iridescence in 10 days at it’s not just something to be heard. It’s Go,” the album’s fifth song marks a the infamous Abbey Road studio in something to be experienced. unique fusion of these two sensations. London. This is definitely their most ex- Songs for Your Somehow Cannon manages to relate perimental and daring album yet, with Favorite Track: “Cariño” his own feelings for his ex with trying high-pitched vocals, deeply personal Hangover to help his little brother cope with a lyrics, and samples from other popular broken heart. This constant back-and- music. forth coupled with bitter chords and slight autotune is truly mesmerizing. It took me a minute, but I haven’t “Every Time the Sun As Proper Dose comes to a close, been able to listen to anything other track ten, “Growing On You,” depicts than iridescence since it dropped. Comes Up I’m in Trou- Cannon’s struggle to write this album. If you wanna ball out on your way to ble” Sharon Van Etten Writing Proper Dose represents how class, you have “NEW ORLEANS” and he wants to move on from singing “VIVID.” If you got dumped or you’re about girls and sipping lean so that he feeling generally shitty, you have can grow as an adult. Subsequently, “WEIGHT” and “TONYA.” This album “Lift Yourself” Kanye The Story So Far the album’s final track, “Light Year,” has it all. Joba is absolutely the star of Proper Dose depicts how he finally let go of his past this album with some truly incredible West Ed Lucano through an ironic use of the band’s lines, like “Impending death is the only signature punk style. sign of life / I’m throwing Hail Marys till I die.” Kevin Abstract has some “Shallow” Lady Gaga Favorite Track: “If I Fall” gut-wrenching verses also, continuing to explore sexuality and coping with fame. I cannot wait to hear the rest of the trilogy and I can’t imagine what they’ll do next. That being said, with iridescence, BROCKHAMPTON shows “Every Rose Has its that they’re not slowing down and they’re only going to keep evolving. Thorn” but the cover by Miley Cyrus Favorite track: “VIVID”

“Kingdom” Carrie The Story So Far have returned in typi- iridescence Underwood cal pop-punk fashion. After three long BROCKHAMPTON years of monotonous teen angst, and Olivia Langenberg a tearful longing for something more, The Story So Far has finally graced its “Chicken Wire” loyal fan base with their fourth studio album, Proper Dose. Similar to how I Johnathan Byrd have changed since 2015, the musi- cal MO of lead singer Parker Cannon’s rowdy ensemble has metaphorically “Monster” Imagine transformed from that of an emo seventeen-year-old, angry at his ex- Dragons girlfriend (and the world itself), to that of a balanced twenty-something with an experienced perspective on happi- ness and loss. “Sunday Morning” The Proper Dose starts off with its title track, jolting its way into its It’s been quite a year for BROCKHAMP- Velvet Underground audience’s eardrums with aggressive TON. Following the SATURATION trilogy guitar riffs, and thundering drum lines last year comes iridescence, which is that are reminiscent of The Story So also the first of a new trilogy: the best “Combustion” Far’s previous discography. However, years of our lives. This is BROCKHAMP- shrouded in its nostalgic instrumen- TON’s first release after the sexual mis- Meshugga tals is Proper Dose’s raw look at conduct allegations against member Cannon’s battle with drug addiction, Ameer Vann came out this past year. and how it has negatively affected his And damn, this album is an emotional health and family. The album con- rollercoaster. The group trashed a few tinues on a journey of drug-induced projects they’d been working on and page 24 the paper october 3, 2018