(What was supossed to be...) Monday 3 October 2005

Published by the USSU Communications Office.

Issue number 1091 Free The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper

Konsumer Revolt! Once Room 101: Before you say Comment | You’re beautiful! | again, our team of lab-rats anything, we’re aware that Page 4 are subjected to the lower- the heading of this paper is Arts Section |Film, Music, etc. ends of the food-chain - value almost exactly the same as |Page 11 products! Check their offering before. . Room 101 continues Puzzles| Freakin’ hell! That’s a this week | Page 9 where it left off... | Page 6 big freakin’ maze! | Page 22 UniS Bottom Of The Pile By Chris Ward survey was topped by the Open University, followed by the Royal Academy of Music, The University of Surrey has been Conservatoire for Dance and Drama, St slammed in the results of the national Mary’s University College, and Birkbeck student survey. The poll, which ques- College. The only chartered higher edu- tions students about their higher education cation institutes appearing in the top ten institute is said to provide an alternative to besides the OU were Loughborough and the more common league tables, which are Leicester. based purely on quantitative data, such as Those that slumped to the very bottom of entry grades and graduate employment rates. the poll were led by the University of the Instead, students are asked to scale their Arts (London). Chartered institutes hit- thoughts on qualitative data such as personal ting the low of the results included Brunel development, academic support, organisa- University (117th place) and the University tion and management, etc. of Wales Institute (113th). Surrey appeared The result is quite a blow for UniS, which as one of the chartered institutions whereby came 94th place. 128 higher education students were least satisfied. In particular, institutes participated in the survey. Those the Assessment and Feedback criteria was that didn’t include Oxford, Cambridge, and one in which UniS did particularly badly on Warwick. The survey results vastly differ with a mark of 3.3. The University of the from those of the conventional league tables, Arts, despite being at the bottom of the poll, with institutes such as the University of East did better than Surrey in this category. Anglia falling within the top twenty. The Does UniS offer value for money for students? Students Slam UniS Bosses MP in Short Supply University bosses came to Union Council on across the entire university for students being assessed. Anne Milton, the recently elected Tuesday to discuss the possibility of reforming the Students at council rejected this, arguing that courses Conservative MP for Guildford, exam structure at UniS so that students take all their are all different, and some methods of assessments chose to turn down the invitation by exams at the end of spring semester. Despite clearly relevant for one course may not be relevant for USSU to meet her student electorate expecting an amicable debate on the way forward another. The university officials present at the meeting at freshers’ fayre on 21st September, for student assessment, they were met with hostility. added that there would be a cap on the number of despite the fact that parliament was in recess. Every question expressed dissatisfaction with either assessments taken by students, to ensure that they are Ms Milton was elected as the current system, or the plans for the new one. The not over-assessed. Guildford’s MP in May with a slim university team did not respond to every question (the Another student exposed an apparent university plan majority of 347, succeeding the meeting may have proceeded long into the night if to remove all part-time staff in order to cut costs. In previous Lib Dem MP, Sue Doughty, they did), although one of the team appeared to display particular, she referenced a lecturer of the Computing who served Guildford from 2001 - very patronising frowns at students who expressed Department who has served many years with the 2005. All candidates pledged to serve their distaste for the plans. University, and is particularly popular amongst the the student community during the general election this year, and Other students were unhappy with the way the team students. She asked the university officials to not previously to the election, Ms Milton attended three freshers fayres seemingly insisted a “now or never” agenda, this was compromise quality in favour of small cuts in costs. to talk to students and campaign for their support. however due to the meeting over-running and going on Her comment was not responded to. barefacts would like to add that although Ms Milton did not far longer than expected. For further details of the plans turn to page 2. Watch take up the opportunity to meet the few thousand new members of The exam plans are rather vague at the moment, but this space... Guildford’s population, she did send a letter of apology to USSU they appear to involve an assurance of consistency excusing herself from the event.

Make way, Truth is coming through... 2 NEWS 3 October 2005 News, glorious news, a record of what has happened!

Editorial? UniS plans to scrap winter exams All these addresses are @surrey.ac.uk (unless otherwise mentioned). Funny that. By Marcin Stylski modules, and increasing that of the 5-credit teasers. Under the plans, semester one modules would be assessed Editor-in-Chief Senior UniS academics, concerned with the University’s by coursework alone, therefore reducing the number of Neil Boulton: ussu.comms@ poor exam performance in recent years, have come up with examinations students would need to take each year. This an ingenious plan to improve our exam scores: firstly, to would free up time to permit lectures to run right up until the Editor simply get rid of most exams; and secondly (for those exams end of the Autumn semester, allowing more time for “teach- Chris Ward: cs21cw@ it can’t scrap) to reduce the size of the exam papers, to make ing and learning”. it easier for us to score higher marks. Deputy Editor The proposal which is being considered as Barefacts goes Joshua Bates: cs52jb@ to press, is to scrap all exams in the first semester of the academic year. The aim: to enhance the institution’s [rather Deputy Editor poor] ranking in the national league tables. Sophia Hawkins: li52sh@ Recent low scores awarded by the Qualifications and As- sessment Authority (QAA) have contributed significantly Head of Design to the University’s stagnant position in the league tables. Rachel Hana Cresswell The objectives of this proposal are: firstly, to create condi- tions where students will “learn more and be less inclined to News Editor academic failure” and secondly, to allow staff to “perform Marcin Stylski: li12ms@ their duties at a higher level, without interfering with other activities such as research”. The new examination system Features Editor would also include the “standardization” of the credit size Lia Parker: ps41lp@ of modules – i.e. reducing the depth in heavier 15-20-credit Arts Editor Beth Heale: [email protected] Arts Editor NUS attack “lazy slob” image Nicole Heel [email protected] By Chris Ward funding to unions for such extra-curricular activities, as well as providing non-monetary facilities such as the use of class- Fashion Editor NUS have launched a new campaign to curb the apparent rooms for meetings. Natalie Dowle: ms42nd@ image of students being “lazy slobs”, The Times reports. The University of Surrey already provides a substantial The Participate - Actions speak louder than words cam- level of support for sporting and extra-curricular activities on Fashion Editor paign is hoped will counter the famous stereotype of students campus. Wednesday afternoons are lecture-free, reserved for Jamila Gangadeen “sitting in front of the TV with a six pack of lager”. Instead, those that wish to take part in sport. the NUS argue that students are “more likely to be found USSU similarly provides many schemes to ensure that Webmaster & Puzzlelord helping in their local commuinities, playing in a university students have plenty to occupy themselves with in order to Colin Everett: ma41ce@ orchestra or band or busting a gut on the sports field”. pursue interests, but also to follow accredited qualifications The crux of the campaign is to promote the use of sport- that can be added to the CV, making students much more Postgraduate Editor ing facilities and to persuade students to make the most of employable. Lisa Ahmed extra-curricular activities, such as getting involved in clubs The DAVE project allows students to address any areas of and societies. weakness that they may find in regards to employability fac- Adverts & the like The NUS also hope that the campaign will apply pressure tors, whilst the V Project allows students to get the most out Aaron Salins: a.salins@ to both higher and further education institutes to provide of helping their local community in various ways.

An attempted list of Contributers: barefacts is an editorially independant newspaper Contributions must be submitted by the If you’re name has been missed off this list, and is published by The University of Surrey Stu- Monday before publication date to guarantee humblest apologies... dents’ Union Communications Office. publication. Letters may be edited at the The views expressed within the paper are those of discretion of the editorial team. Please send Student X the individual authors and do not necessarily repre- them to [email protected]. Folarin “Flo” Oyeleye sent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey You can take the time to write and post in if Sarah Mullholland Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. you want... but most people e-mail. Elizabeth Lawrence David Hynds barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions The Konsumer Revolt Guinea Pigs barefacts Emma Clarke [email protected] Union House Siobhán Palmer University of Surrey Students’ Union 1st Class Bitch www.ussu.co.uk Guildford The Barefacts Arts Team Surrey Poppy Brixton Copyright USSU Communications Office 2005 GU2 7XH USMC 3 October 2005 NEWS / LETTERS 3 Brothel Raid in Guildford Lights, Camera, Strike! By Joshua Bates Local residents By Joshua Bates and businesses Four Guildford brothels have been raided as a result of a first voiced con- Despite the recent cuts in security staff at UniS a short, brisk recent crackdown on vice within the last fortnight, the Sur- cerns to police in stroll across campus from Rubix this week revealed that things rey Ad reports. Involved in the raid were premises in Lin- the area regarding are nevertheless looking up for security and their team. field Gardens, Denzil Road (behind the University), Mary the operation of a barefacts happened to catch sight of a rather lonely looking Road (near the Surrey Police station) and Woodbridge Hill; possible brothel security camera daydreaming in the middle of one afternoon. five women were arrested on suspicion of being involved in on Woodbridge Such is the ever-increasing threat from pigeons and other their management. Hill at a meeting criminally-minded flying species outside Roots Café Bar it However, since questioning, one of the women was later held at the Wooden Bridge pub in June. Activities at the has clearly been decided that this lonesome camera must focus released without charge, and the other four women are premises had, however, already begun to be investigated. its attention to the high-risk from the skies above. Of course, on police bail pending further inquiries by immigration Chief Supt Deanus added: “The premises were affecting barefacts has considered that this camera might instead be investigators. the quality of life of people within the community, which is displaying the symptoms of being on strike and, in a rebellious Property such as computer equipment, financial docu- unacceptable.” attempt for recogni- ments and cash were seized at all four locations as part of The raids come after a clear message from Surrey Police tion, was in actual fact the investigation which West Surrey Chief Superintendent regarding a crackdown on antisocial behaviour within the sleeping on the job in the Kevin Deanus described as requiring complex “painstaking community and follows up a previous raid that was an- only way it knew how. gathering of evidence”. The Surrey Ad reports that the raids nounced last October in which another brothel in the town After all, being a security were carried out in conjunction with the UK Immigration was closed down. Under similar circumstances, last year’s camera is a tough job Service following several weeks of planning and research raid was as a result of local residents notifying police be- when you’re attached to to ensure successful raids of all four premises. fore they continued to gather further intelligence. a wall 24/7. Letters to barefacts It just wouldn’t be student-like if we wrote a newspaper that doesn’t offer you a channel to bitch about things. Got something on your chest that you need to tell the whole student community? Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. They may be edited for length or clarity | [email protected]

tive stall but no Labour stall?? Truth is I’ve only gone to The Drink 3 times Rubix ventilation Praise for new Is the university trying to make us all turn and each night it s**t and the bouncers concern laundere�e into a bunch of right-wingers??? How politi- always cause hassle. I wish i had told him cally incorrect!! I’d like to see this situation that now. I’m not entirely sure what the Un- Dear barefacts, Dear barefacts, rectified immediately!! ion/Drink position is... I just told him I don’t I am writing to express my concern at the I just wanted to say that the new laundrette know half the story and I left. I came straight lack of adequate ventilation in Rubix. On looks cool. It was worth the agro of the Adam Jones to the union offices because I thought you numerous nights out, the evening was spoilt builders being there. It looks a lot more peo- A very angry Labour supporter would like to know. He was a very angry due to the unbearable heat and humidity. I ple friendly now. My only complaint is why man and I can safely say I will never visit would like to know what are the Union’s couldn’t they do it a year earlier? I don’t live either establishment ever again (as if I was plans to address this problem. on campus anymore so I won’t benefit from going to anyway). it. Yours sincerely Student X Marcin Stylski From Sarah Problems at The

USSU President, Flo Responds: Flo, USSU President responds: Drink. Dear barefacts, Thanks for the letter. I am very concerned I understand your concern. The unbearable I’m afraid it looks like I unwittingly stirred that the marketing guy at The Drink is first humidity this last few weeks is due to two a hornets’ nest. i was just in town finalising of all, not doing his job by scaring poten- things, the first is one of the ventilation fans Where is the things for an event and I noticed that Mambo tial customers away rather than encourage in Rubix being faulty. This is being repaired had a good deal, so I went in to ask someone custom. Secondly I am also concerned that at the moment. The other reason is the sound Labour Party? about having it as a stop. Mr Z, the market- he wishes to ‘knock my block off’ for doing proof roofing of the union that was con- Dear barefacts, ing guy came down and launched into a rant absolutely nothing. Prior to this letter, I can structed last year. In a bid to reduce noise I am writing a letter of complaint about the at me about how students avoid the Drink. assure you there were no problems between pollution around Rubix the roofing is also apparent lack of Labour representatives at He started saying things like it’s your [Flo, the union and The Drink. If the union felt making it more difficult for adequate ventila- the freshers’ fayre, and indeed from within Presidents] fault and he said he will either any venue in town was not suitable for tion in Rubix. We are looking at various the university itself! In a nation where we come into USSU to “knock your [Flo’s] students we would officially send out info options in the long term but in the short term should pride ourselves on our democratic block off” or go to the Dean of students to to the students via union media and we have we have ordered mobile air conditioners to rights I feel very angry that the Labour sup- complain about you. I was shaken up by not done that yet with The Drink. All I can be placed at Hari’s Bar which is the most porters have not been represented within the this, it’s really not what I’d expect from say is based on his behaviour is; there seems affected area. community!! How come there was a Liberal someone trying to promote his business. He Democrat stall, which, by the way, I felt to be no culture of excellent customer serv- started asking why I personally don’t go to ice within their club to encourage people to Folarin ‘Flo’ Oyeleye - Students’ Union were forcing people to join by offering ludi- The Drink and I told him it was a society go to their venue. President crously cheap membership, and a Conserva- committee decision to go to Time nightclub. 4 COMMENT 3 October 2005 GI-ve it up! Last Wednesday, I walked enthusiastically many diets that are around. prove why we are turning into a nation of the simple fact that they would like to lose round the freshers’ fayre picking up anything It seems now that wherever you look. Be diet obsessives’. weight to be thinner as they believe that this that was ‘free,’ regardless of whether I’d ac- it the television, newspapers or magazines In another shocking statistic from about. would bring them happiness/ make them tually have any use for the item. Once home, there’s guaranteed to be some talk regard- com, ‘35% of “normal dieters” progress to more attractive/ more confident or whatever. I surveyed my afternoon’s freebies and felt ing a brand new diet that promises to make pathological dieting. Of those, 25% will These types of people are the ones that are at inwardly pleased about what I’d managed you three stone lighter in just one day! Yes progress to partial or full syndrome eating risk of taking things too far and maybe even to pick up. However, a little while later I REALLY, just ONE day. Many fall for these disorders.’ In the same research, ‘in one encouraging and trapping others into their decided that maybe they weren’t quite as diets and many, I fear, are becoming diet person’s lifetime, 50,000 people will die as diet ideals. good as I had first made them out to be. Still, obsessed! In a recent Company magazine a direct result of their eating disorder!’ This I guess what i’m trying to say here is that nethertheless being one that doesn’t let such they suggest that, ‘as many as one third of is not only shocking, it’s a massive con- I think people are forgetting what makes freebies pass, I knew that I had to make sure all women are on a diet at any one time, cern that people feel the need to diet purely people beautiful with too many people that I used them. So, yesterday lunchtime and nine out of ten of us diet at some stage because it seems to be the ‘in’ thing in the concerned about their weight and not what two of my flatmates and myself walked into within our life.’ This is a shocking statistic first place but what is more shocking is the makes them a great person in our society. town eagerly clutching our vouchers for the and one in which I think will get progres- fact that the media and celebrities seem to be Just because your not following the lat- ‘buy one get one free’ burgers in Wether- sively worse in the near future! Just what is actively promoting these diets. For example est diet, doesn’t mean that your uncool or spoons. that is causing so many women, and indeed Liz Hurley whose thinness has recently been fat and ugly, just like not buying the latest Do the maths; there were three of us and people to feel the need to diet, what is it that criticised has been promoting her new diet clothes trend makes you unfashionable. two vouchers, which indeed meant that there is causing our diet-loving nation? Is it the the 76- bites a day diet. There’s proof that Beauty is not skin deep, and so if you’re were four burgers! And not just any burgers, fact that there are so many on the market to children are heavily influenced by such peers reading this and the contents of your fridge oh no!! They were bacon and cheeseburg- choose from? I mean there’s the Atkins, the and the media. About.com recognises that consists of a lettuce and some celery, go ers with chips, onion rings, real ketchup and cabbage soup, GI, the all protein, the Zone, ‘80% of ten year olds worried about becom- and get the biggest, ugliest, calorie inducing corn relish! We all wolfed down out burgers the detox diet and these are only a few! ing fat’! cake you can find and revel in the joy that and not wanting to leave the fourth uneaten, With so many, do people feel that if one is Of course on the other hand the amount of it brings! Then pat yourself on the back that (I mean that would be a waste of a voucher unsuccessful they have to try another and so obese people has also dramatically risen and for today and hopefully forever the word wouldn’t it?) two of us decided to split it in on and so forth until they find the one that courses such as, Weight Watchers, can be a ‘diet’ just doesn’t exist in your life- because half! One of those people was me! Feeling works for them? Or is it the fact that they good thing for people that really do need to really your beautiful just as you are! rather full on the walk home a thought oc- receive so much attention? This attention diet because maybe they have been told to curred to me and suddenly I felt rather proud could indeed make such diets seem ‘fashion- do so by their doctor. For these people such Words: Sophia Hawkins of myself for eating those one and a half able’ and the latest Atkins bar the ultimate support, as Weight Watchers is invaluable. burgers and not succumbing to one of the accessory to be seen with. Which could just The problem arises when people diet for [email protected] Web Site Story Sarah Mulholland has spent a long while in that digital bath called the Internet. Those of you who have also spent a while in it’s deep waters will probably know some of these sites already. But if you don’t, get ready to dive into the new age of timewasting that only the internet could provide. Well the initial days of university are over and that means it’s time for essays and bizarre and funny messages collected together and it all begins to make sense (sort of). Is it assignments to be done. Which of course means many pointless hours will be spent surfing art or graffiti or a bunch of kids having (illegal) japes at everyone else’s expense? Check out the internet in order to avoid doing those assignments until the very last possible moment. this site and judge for yourself. Having been at this fine institution for the past two years means I am well versed in the art Sticking with the art theme, head on over to www.monsterism.net. It’s the homepage of the of procrastination and have therefore circled the web a fair few times now so feel fairly official artist for the Super Furry Animals; Pete Fowler. This is more than just a portfolio of confident that I can point you in the direction of sites that are worth wasting your own time work commissioned by a bunch of hairy, drug-happy Welshmen (for once that sentence not over. being used to describe Goldie Looking Chains). You can play, shop, subscribe to a Fowler Lets start with a site named after a funk band so experimental that they broke up before related newsletter, and be inspired by the psychedelic hippos and aliens on display in the they ever actually formed... www.plastictrayinc.co.uk will introduce you to such fun games gallery. Marvelous! as ‘Hot or Not Banzai Challenge’, where you have to Place Your Bets! on the picture you Finally, there’s no better way to while away an hour or two than following the adventures think will score the most on the ever popular Hot or Not site (www.hotornot.com - itself a of a group of imaginary athletes (there is?! You’re kidding me! I lead a very sheltered way of wasting more time than you ever knew you had), which I am currently losing having life. Sigh.) www.homestarrunner.com is a veritable treasure trove of immature fun. Send placed my virtual money on picture 3. I seem to be radically out of touch with what the a question to Strongbad and you may get featured on his weekly email cartoon where you general consensus of what attractive versus not attractive is, but now is not the time for me will be soundly mocked for bad punctuation and spelling, and, of course, for being stupider to discuss my love of Bob from Franz Ferdinand. Ahem. Also to be found is the ‘Yellow Car than Strongbad (everyone is). That’s not all; you can play ‘Kick The Cheat’ (‘The Cheat’ Asbo’ game which may or may not land you in jail, depending on who you chose to play being a bizarre character that looks like the love child of Pikachu and a cat. He lives in a against and a cartoon ‘series’ (so far with one installment) featuring both a Mexican AND salad drawer and cheats a lot - we’ve all met someone like that at one time or another. Oh a penguin - who could ask for more than that? If you like a sense of humour that’s slightly you haven’t? Never mind then). At first the characters on this site may look like they are the skewed then you will like this website. rejects of an idea for CBeebies but spend some time exploring this site and you will see how For people whose interests are of a slightly more highbrow nature than cartoons involving subversive and wickedly funny it actually is. penguins you may like to head on over to www.picturesonwalls.com which is all about So that’s it for this fortnight. If there are any websites you would like me to review or think I reclaiming ‘art for the masses’ by featuring, well, pictures on walls. It’s not quite as fancy should be checking out then pop an email in the virtual post and address it to ps32sm. as that makes it sound. Have you ever walked past a piece of graffiti that made you laugh By Sarah Mulholland or shout or crinkle your brow in confusion and go ‘eh?’? This is where you can see these 3 October 2005 FEATURES 5 Mature Fresher – contradiction in Terms? So, you were a bit apprehensive about coming to Uni, but to you for FREE, or really comparatively little money. Once I decided to come back to University, because I really most of your mates are going and you are game for helping you graduate you will find that everything is just so expen- wanted to learn something new and engage my brain in a the government achieve its targets of 50% of school-leavers sive. Take health and fitness clubs, for example. If you want different way. Others might want to further their careers or going on to higher education. Well done! to go to a half way decent one it’s about £60 a month and get out of a rut, but I think the common link is that we want Fresher’s week is over and done with, and you have found that’s not even counting expensive joining fees. All those to learn. For me, it was like coming home! your new crowd of friends - now spare a thought for the sports societies, amazing, what’s on offer! Elizabeth Winkler Lawrence mature student brigade. We might feel young at heart and I was also chuffed to bits about my ATHENS password and not quite in need of a Zimmer frame yet to get our tired old membership. Great! All those resources at the touch of a but- carcasses to UNI, but the prospect is equally daunting albeit ton and even remotely accessible! The use of the library and in a different way. Financial considerations will probably access to software which would cost thousands and thou- weigh heavier on our minds and we will be insecure about sands of pounds to acquire! In the words of the Fast Show: being able to cope with the work-load. Brilliant! Do our brains still work? (Maybe) I speak for myself, but I would say that most mature Suddenly we look so old; was the office lighting more flat- students are not really here for the social aspect of going to tering, or were most of our colleagues wrinklies well on the University. That does not mean that we are unsociable old way to a free bus pass, and therefore providing a good back- gits – of course I am hoping to make some new and different ground against which our own slightly less ravaged features friends, to take part and contribute to University life, but in were much more favourably set off? (definitely) a way which is probably quite different to your 18 year old Will we fit in or will we be rejected? (Jury’s still out) fresher. Should we even consider going on a pub-crawl with first So far the experience has been really positive – and the year under-grads? (better not, I think) only other “oldie” I have met so far agrees. Interestingly he The most striking thing, after being out in the wilderness has chosen to live on campus during the week and is very called “gainful employment” is the wealth of resources given pleased indeed.

Have you got a problem for the Agony Niece? Send them Agony Niece to [email protected]

Q. I liked this guy, and I thought he liked Q. I keep falling asleep in my lectures. It’s Q. One of my flatmates played a trick on Q. The other night at the union I finally pulled me, but he let me down so many times not that they’re boring or that I stay up all me involving the toilet and clingfilm. It a girl that I fancy from my course. I bumped that I gave up on him. Now that I am with night, but I sit there staring at the screen and wasn’t pretty. He thinks it’s really funny. into her in the union last week. She was drunk someone else, he keeps asking me to go and my mind starts wandering and my eyes start I want to get him back now. Switching and couldn’t find her friends. I was drunk too stay with him, saying he’s changed. Is he getting heavy. It’s really embarrassing as his salt and sugar round is too childish. I and it wasn’t long until we were snogging. just messing with me? my lecturers notice. I thought about missing thought about putting clingfilm over his Now she won’t even look at me in lectures. It’s some of them and getting someone else to get door. Any ideas? likes she’s embarrassed. Did I do something A. Chances are he is. You’re with someone me some handouts. wrong? else now, and you don’t want to jeopardise A. Don’t suffocate him! If you get him that. Maybe he just likes to go for people A. Don’t miss lectures. It’s all well and good back, he might try and think of a way to A. Well you took advantage of a drunk girl. who he can’t have, and gets a kick from having someone get you handouts, but the outdo you again. It could escalate into a I’m sure you’ve done things you regret when stealing someone else’s girlfriend. He’s lecturer might say explain some of the more full blown prank war. You wouldn’t listen you were drunk. That’s probably how she feels already proved he is unreliable, so why complicated things, and you won’t be able if I said that you’d be the stronger one if about kissing you. If she wanted to take it should you give him another chance? to annotate the handout. Try taking notes you didn’t retaliate. All I will say is bare in further, then she would. Don’t go chasing her instead of just staring up at the screen. That mind that if you make a mess or damage like some lovesick bunny, as a drunken kiss might help you stay awake. your property, you’ll look just as stupid as may not have meant the same to her as it did your flatmate. to you.

Q. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years now, but unfortunately he did not Q. I know that University is a time for many to reinvent themselves – and I have taken come to Surrey. We are totally into each other and want to prove everybody wrong who said: that opportunity with a bit more zeal than most . I had a Rhinoplasty – that’s a nosejob for “oh it won’t last!” I still really really love him, but on one of the freshers evenings I met you plastic surgery virgins out there – and I am very happy with the results. I used to get this guy who I is very attractive and I have to admit that we snogged quite extensively. The teased a lot about the way I looked at school and I was nicknamed Hook. I have bumped new guy is really keen and wants me to take things further but I don’t want to give up my into somebody from home here at Surrey and unfortunately they are telling everybody my boyfriend. He says it would be fine with him, if I go and see my boyfriend as well as him. Is old nickname and they have cottoned on to the fact that I had “something done”. I am a bit it too much of a scumbag thing to have them both? embarrassed about it all, but I also really want to find a way to stand my ground and to stop getting teased so much again! A. It will only end in tears. I think you ought to face up to the fact that by all accounts you are not sufficiently “into your” boyfriend to sustain a long distance relationship. Also, while the A. I guess the old-school feminist sisters among us would be tut-tutting and remind you of “new” guy might be ok with your decision, have you given your old boyfriend a say in the the (debatable) received wisdom that true beauty comes from within. Anyway, the more matter? If you are having an “open” relationship it must be agreed by all concerned, otherwise worldly-wise know that sometimes you can’t get by on personality alone. Statistics show that it’s plain old cheating. Are you bearing in mind the risks of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? good-looking people on average earn more than their less attractive peers, which, personally, Maybe a good compromise would be to break it off with your boyfriend and see how you I find quite shocking and a sad indictment of our looks- and youth obsessed culture. You both feel at the end of your first year. As a betting girl, I would have to agree with all the other have chosen to go down the self-improvement route, so good on you! Stand proud by your doom-sayers; but do prove us all wrong! decision, be up-front about it and tell everybody firmly but politely to mind their own business! 6 ROOM 101 3 October 2005 David Hynds curator of barefacts own Room 101 presents us with students’ offering to this museum of dread. But will their pet peeves be relegated to the residence that houses such beasts as Hypocrisy & ‘Mozart For Babies’?

Well, luckily for us, we have had a number of people emailing in their suggestions for banishing to Room 101, but keep them coming in; [email protected], with ‘Room 101’ as the subject title. ROOM Do you ever find yourself, particularly when writing essays/dissertations, searching the huge depths of your brain (or a dictionary) for ages and ages for the correct word to use, only to find that it was a very simple one? I myself was trying to find a certain word for two weeks; in the end I remembered it was a fortnight. However, this edition’s guest doesn’t seem to have a problem with words, except when they’re misused (better double- check this1 article then!) Ben0 Donnelly, a Mad 1 Looney QPR Fan, and a Final Year Tonmeister (sound-recording) steps up to the plate with his submissions.

1. Text Speak (txtspk) 2. American corruption of the English Language Despite the name, txtspk is a lot older than the widespread Now to begin with I would like to make it clear that I’m not having popularity of SMS on Mobile Phones. It’s been all over the internet a go at the official American language. If they want to spell for ages and has been propagated by youngsters who are either words differently and pronounce other words differently, then as too lazy or unable to spell or type. People who use txtspk honestly much as it makes me cringe, that is perfectly acceptable. I do believe that reducing whole sentences two as few characters resent however the yankisms that are spreading around Great as possible will save everybody time (perhaps they assume that Britain rather rapidly and killing off our official way of speaking – it’s easier to read). They expect everyone to instantly decode rather like the Grey Squirrel. What also makes me angry is the way their messages as well, and frankly it just isn’t that straightforward. they dominate the media – film, television and the internet and People have qwerty keyboards at their disposal and as far as the get everyone across the world into terrible linguistic habits. Some sort of things that are sent in internet conversations go, character of their phrases really defy common sense. They say “I could care limit really is not an issue. Why do they do this? Of course, there less” when they mean “I couldn’t care less” – how exactly does was a proper use for it in the early days of SMS text messaging – it that work? used to take you ages to type in each character as you’d need Then there’s the vocabulary. Yanks seem to have a habit of two, three or even four button presses for most of them. However, taking a meaning of a word from a specific context and turning Predictive Text now allows you to write messages very quickly using it into the official meaning. Smart is one example – it means only one button press per character. Ironically people often claim neat, organised, tidy, etc. – but if you apply that to a method that txtspk is the modern form of communication and people who of thinking, or a decision then it will reflect on the intelligence use proper spelling and grammar are behind the times. Hmmm… involved. That doesn’t mean that smart means intelligent – a if you’re still using a method predating predictive text I think smart person is simply well-dressed and then Tim Nice-But-Dim you’re the one who is behind the times. Snag is that it does require springs to mind. knowing how to spell, so chavs tend to come unstuck. Also, what’s going on with the word ‘bachelor’ over there? In English it means a man who has chosen a life of celibacy. In Well, I have to agree with our pedant here. Txtspk is rather America it just means any bloke who doesn’t have a girlfriend/ frustrating – you hear numerous stories about people using it in wife. Then they call their stag nights ‘bachelor parties’ – which to English GCSE exams, and seemingly getting away with it, which me implies a gathering of men who’ve chosen not to enter into a leads to the demise of proper language use. It takes just as much relationship – perhaps a sort of homo-erotic affair. effort to type (if practised enough), and is easier to understand. I’d also like to get rid of the substitution of “to be like” for “to say” I saw a fantastic t-shirt that said: 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 – I tend to take the piss with this and try and use it as a transitive g37 l41d. Not quite txtspk, but the next level on if we don’t banish it verb as well to show how silly it can sound; for example the other to Room 101, which we will. In it goes. day I was being like to a friend about this.

Well, a lot of stuff there to mull over. I agree with Ben when he 3. Common spelling and grammar misconceptions mentions that the yankisms are starting to take over. However, Absolute top of the list, no question, is the word ‘definitely’ spelt isn’t it true that the English language has the most words, and with an ‘a’. It’s just wrong, even in America. Don’t do it, ok? that a lot of these words were borrowed from other languages. Then there’s the substitution of “of” for “’ve”. As in could’ve, How would the Eskimos feel, if they found out we had taken would’ve, etc. their word ‘Anorak’ to mean a plastic covering worn by train- Whom. It’s a simple enough word – monosyllabic and not difficult spotters. Therefore, I think that the Americans can use our words to spell. Please use it. You don’t say He when you mean Him, or as they like, as long as it doesn’t influence how we use it. So, She when you mean Her, do you? in conclusion, it has to stay out of Room 101, unless it starts to Practice/Practise – ‘Practice’ the noun and ‘Practise’ the verb impede more on my use of English. – just like advise and advice! Ending on prepositions – it’s just ugly! Well. Only one thing banished to Room 101 in this edition of your Fortnightly Barefacts. If you think you could come up with a selection that would impress me, the There has been a lot of talk recently regarding proper grammar keeper of Room 101, then see below for more details. use, and also spelling, since two books came out; Acommodating Brocolli in the Cemetary (sic) is all about spelling, whilst Eats, Have you anything you would like to permanently get rid of? If so, email mu21dh@surrey. Shoots and Leaves is all about grammar. With these books (and ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ in the subject line. Don’t forget to write a little about yourself, and dictionaries for £2 in the UniS Bookshop), along with the spell check ensure that your choices are explained fully. on computers, there really should be no excuses. However, saying It is the columnist’s right to edit entries as he deems fit, so it would be most useful if that, I made a fair bit of money on proof-reading last year – so if I explanations are lengthy, and in detail. Barefacts and the columnist will ensure that the am to continue earning money off easy work, this will have to stay majority of your contributions are used, however; if suggestions are in any way derogatory, out of Room 101 – sorry Ben! then they shall be omitted. Remember, keep it clean. 3 October 2005 SSHH! 7

The SSHH! Bug in it’s natural habitat... You may have noticed these little blue critters roaming around Freshers’ So what was that ‘SSHH!’ thing about then? If you moved in on the 18th you may well Fayre. They’re the SSHH! Blue Bed Bugs, little blue adhesive thingies that have noticed the Freshers’ Angels decked out in natty bright blue shirts proudly bearing the are there to remind you that, well, “You Can’t Sing”. Even if you can sing, SSHH! logo. SSHH! stands for ‘Silent Students, Happy Homes!’, it’s a campaign being run executing your vocal talents while walking home late at night is hardly the by the students’ union so that we can all get a little more sleep into our busy lives. Students time or the place. Just Say ‘No’ to Amarillo. occasionally go out either to Rubix or into town (or somewhere else entirely), this often results in students staying out ‘till the small hours of the morning. This itself isn’t a problem, it’s just Week 6 - 14th October sometimes students can be a bit well ‘vocal’ as they walk home from these late night social Pyjama Party in Rubix interactions. The SSHH! campaign is here to promote a bit of thought and understanding for As the attire suggests those of who haven’t gone out that evening and are trying to get some sleep. Being rudely awoken from a wonderful sleep is a tad annoying to say the least – and the SSHH! campaign expect to see the SSHH! has been asking students to commit to the SSHH! pledge as a symbol of their respect for the campaign out in force. sleeping residents of Guildford (Be they student or non-student) and to keep the noise down The SSHH! Blue Bed Bugs when they walk home late at night. will be out in force! In other students’ unions noise problems have lead to the police threatening to revoke their This is the SSHH! Doorhanger, you bar licences in a bid to stop the late night racket. We here at Surrey are by no means in that can find them in the students’ union. situation, but prevention is the best cure & a little consideration for our neighbours can go a It would appear this person is trying long way. It’s our little way of proving that students’ aren’t noisy liver-destroying wrecks that to ‘Stuff a Llama’. What activity would swagger around the township unable to locate that mythical place called ‘Amarillo’. you like people to kepe the noise down for? So basically, SSHH! Is a noise awareness campaign aimed at trying to reduce levels of noise both on and off campus. You may not think to much of it now, but think ahead - On campus the issue may become one of concern especially during exam time, when other students may be affected by noisy neighbours. The SSHH! campaign is in conjunction with Guildford Borough Council and is designed to ensure a happy community without reducing the fun.

At Freshers’ Fayre hundreds of students signed the SSHH! Pledge - A declaration of their intent to ‘keep it down’ while walking around the town in the small hours. On October the 14th Flirt! at Rubix will be a Pyjama party, expect to see the SSHH! there in a big way - We’ll be holding a competition for the best Doorhanger Slogan with a variety of prizes - Plus the bizarrely cute SSHH! Blue Bed Bugs will be out and about, helping us all to get a good nights sleep at the end of it all!

THE SSHH! PLEDGE:

I do solemnly swear not to be a noisy individual while walking around the noble town of Guildford and the fine county of Surrey after a fabulous night out. In taking this pledge I will show:

• I have respect for my fellow residents • The stereotypical student image is old & outdated • My want for a SSHH! blue bug in return

If I do try singing in the small hours of the morning I will allow any nearby resident of Guildford to strike me down where I stand with the household implement of their choice. If I object I will be spared this fate, but will receive eternal shame at the hands of my peers for the breaking of this pledge. 8 FOOD 3 October 2005 Still unable to cook after the last issue? Emma Clarke is going to once again grab you by the lapells and help you turn that can’t cook into a can cook. This week there are some budgeting hints and some more decandent dishes. ‘Now Fresher’s week is over for another year (sigh!), it’s time for a reality check for those of us who’ve had a Budget ideas Tesco Value Do’s and Don’ts: wild few weeks. It’s back to the drawing board to have • When cooking meals, make enough for 4 or 6, • Do’s: Tinned Sweetcorn, Pasta, Spaghetti, a re-think about ways of reducing that humongous food then freeze portions until later in the week. Baked Beans, Tomato Ketchup, Jam, Tinned bill, yet at the same time, being able to indulge in ultimate • Check out the supermarket’s offers of the Tuna, Rice, Yoghurts. student food! According to the recent MORI/Unite week, which are found at the end of the • Don’ts: Fresh or Frozen Meats, Mixed Fruit Student Living report, students spend an average of £29 a shopping aisles, but don’t simply buy cos it’s a Jam, Gravy Granules, Washing up Liquid, week on food, however, bargain, only purchase items if they are part of Bread. with the occasional your regular ingredients. • Some of us have a more expensive taste value products, plenty • Fruit and Veg are often cheaper and better than others, so obviously we aren’t all going to of buy one get one quality at the markets on campus (Thursdays) or be budget buyers, but using herbs and spices frees, and the UniFruit in town (Saturdays). can really add flavour to this basic food! market, your weekly • Buy staple foods in bulk - for example, rice, Try and taste as much of the value range budget can be halved. pasta, potatoes are usually cheaper in large as you dare, then email Barefacts with your Truth portions. comments! ([email protected]...) Next Edition: Healthy go Happy Flapjacks saucepan and heat gently, stirring until dissolved. (Makes 12) Stir in oats. Prep time 10mins Spoon mixture into dish and bake for 15 minutes Cooking time 15mins at 200 degrees c. Slice into fingers, and leave to cool before remov- Ingredients: ing from the tin. 125g Margarine 100g Golden Syrup (or Honey) Tips: 100g Light Muscavado Sugar 1) Add cherries (rinsed, chopped), sultanas, or 250g Rolled Oats nuts for variation. Roasting tin 20cm x 30cm 2) For an ultimate budget, make several batches and store in an airtight tin for up to two weeks. Method: 3) Delicious cold as a snack, or with custard, ice Lightly grease the tin with some margarine. cream, or with yoghurt for breakfast. Combine the margarine, sugar and syrup in ‘The Perfect Omelette’ (by Siobhán Palmer)

Ingredients: Pizza Recipe Method: 3 Medium sized Eggs (Serves 2) Mix margarine with flour to make a bread crumb Mustard Prep time 10 mins mixture. Tarragon (or any mixed herb) Cooking time 25 mins Add milk and salt, folding and kneeding so it be- Butter or Margarine comes smooth dough like texture. Salt and Pepper to season Ingredients: Flatten dough on a lightly greased baking tray. 225g self raising flour Mix herbs, salt and pepper, ketchup and tinned Method: 50g margarine tomatoes together into paste. Crack the eggs into a bowl (with as little 150ml milk Spread topping over base, and cover well with shell as possible!), stir but do not beat. Salt and Pepper grated cheese. Add the required amount of salt and Tin chopped tomatoes Add desired toppings (chopped and washed). pepper, and 2 tablespoons (the big ones) 4 tablespoons tomato ketchup Cook on 220 degrees c, for 20 minutes towards of your herbs and mustard. Warm a small Mixed herbs the top of the oven. frying pan on medium heat with a knob Grated cheese When brown and cooked through, serve with of butter and slowly add the mixture. 20cm x 30cm Baking tray chips and salad. Use a wooden spoon to create gaps for uncooked mixture to reach the pan. Some optional topping ideas: Tips: When it’s almost done turn up the heat to Ham 1) Keep any leftovers in refridgerator for three brown the bottom. Mushrooms days; then serve as part of picnic lunch or heat in Pineapple microwave (full power) for three minutes. Tips: Salami 2) Vary the types of cheese or toppings on your Once you have the basics mastered, try Peppers pizza; cheddar cheese is best for budgets, but adding ham, mushrooms and cheese to Pepperoni mozzeralla has a delicious taste when melted. make a quick, but healthy snack. Chillis

The SSHH! Bed Bug says: Respect your neighbours, BE QUIET, YOU! Keep the noise down confused by these blue bed bugs? Turn to page 7... 3 October 2005 KONSUMER TESTING 9 barefacts very own attempt at a consumer testing section. We were aiming for interesting and informa- tive... by Neil Boulton The Konsumer Revolt team are a caring bunch and they think really The Comments: rather hard about what purchasable items they should look into for the benefits of students. Much discussion (nay, arguements) ensued. Most Sainsbury’s Vanilla: the last one. of these arguements soon descended into name-calling and other such Boring: Very standard Thong: creamy tesco goodness boisterous behaviour. Long story short, they decided that Ice Cream Tree: Ordinary. Boring: I dissagree with creamy. would be a worthwile avenue of investigation. The three key flavours were looked at: Vanilla, Strawberry & Chocolate. Special: Did I just eat something? Special: I’m gonna go with mmm ahh yeah! The idea of value Ice Cream was given a cursary glance. But in the end Tree: It’s vanilla, It’s hard to get lyrical about they only looked at one type of value Ice Cream solely for novelty value Sainsbury’s Strawberry: vanilla. (It came in a cardboard box as opposed to a cardboard tub). Tree: It tastes syrupy However the Konsumer Revolt embarks on these experiments out of Boring: it tastes like someone has mixed Tesco’s Strawberry: their own pockets. The cost of vast volumes of ice cream, combined with the fact they had hardly any space in the freezer meant that the strawberry flavour into the vanilla. Retard: It’s blamanche again. experiment would concern tubs of Neopolitan ice cream (Which, Special: I can safely say no strawberry has Thong: it tastes just like the Sainsburry’s one, convieniently has the exact three flavours to be investigated). However, ever been near this ice cream are we sure they don’t come from the same in the name of all that is science, the three flavours were all tasted Thong: It tastes like cheep angel delight. place. individually - And as Mario clearly loves ice cream his smiling face will indicate a vote of ‘Yay!’. Results: Tesco’s chocolate won the day, it drew with Sainsbury’s vanilla Sainsbury’s Chocolate: Tesco’s Chocolate: on points but Tesco’s came in at the cheaper price making it the superior 3/3: It tastes like someone added Nesquick Bunty: It tastes alcoholic consumer product. Sainsbury’s basic vanilla... well... best we don’t Thong: Nesquick bunny on a bad day Special: No one asked your opinion. If I ever mention it, really Special: Definitely is chocolate flavoured. ask of your opinion then I will give it to you! Final Standings: Score out of 9 Price (pence) Tesco’s Vanilla: Sainsbury’s Basic vanilla: Sainsbury’s Vanilla 7 Tree: This does taste different. Mmm, you Tree: Oh man – it’s like the stuff you get off Sainsbury’s Strawberry 6 Sainsbury’s Chocolate 5 99 can taste the vanilla. Wow, this isn’t just eat- cars in the winter. Tesco’s Vanilla 6 ing icecream. Special: What Ice? Tesco’s Strawberry 6 Bunty: Mmm, that’s actually really nice. Retard: No, Birds droppings. Tesco’s Chocolate 7 89 Bertie: It was definitely more vanillary than Susan: It does as well! Tastes like snow! Sainsbury’s Basic Vanilla 3 49 10 LIFESTYLE 3 October 2005 Lifestyle? What is lifestyle? Is it both everything and nothing? Is it further musings upon our plight as upright walking mammals? or is it about alcohol & bitching? Lifestyle is none of these things, but it does cover just about everything.

Barefacts doesn’t encourage drinking. Well, the only thing barefacts encourages you to drink is water. Because if you don’t you die. Barefacts doesn’t Woman On The Edge? encourage death. Okay, so I thought I’d make a contribution to Barefacts flatmate just because there isn’t anyone better around! It can THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT (mainly because admittedly I have thought it’s been a bit only lead to disaster... or alternatively a healthy relation- You will need: a pack of cards, some friends and some crap -well, lacking a little something in the past) and here ship. But at this stage, both are a big negative! Saying that.. i drinks it is: a Sex Column. eww. If any of you are overly excited know one couple that made it work... about this please step away from the paper and lock your- In a couple of days/weeks/months (no judgements here re- Spread the cards out in a circle to form the selves in your room with a mirror (so you can look at your member) you may feel comfortable with bringing a guy/girl roundabout disgracefulness) for all eternity. Anyway, on the off chance back to your place (drunken or sober, friend or random) but One player should pick a card from anywhere in the that there is anyone remotely normal reading this, think of here’s another bit of my oh-so-wise advice: keep the noise circle it more in terms of something outta Sex and the City (and down! Respect your flatmates blah blah blah. My friends The player on the left of them should then pick that’s not because I’m a loser that spends all my free time would laugh hysterically at me in particular saying this. But another card from the circle watching it. No.) but we’ll call this: Sex and the Secrets of still. They don’t want or need to hear about your sex life (or If the cards are the same suit, add up the numbers and Surrey. Original huh? No? Screw you then! possible lack off) in explicit detail. And I finally get that (a both players must take that number of gulps from their Oh, for those of you who fail to appreciate the brill com- year late)... almost anyway. As much as I do honestly feel drink. edy, or have never heard of it, or maybe actually have a life! for those who have to put up with the loud moans and groans If the card is a different suit, player one replaces their and not forgetting those guys who will swear on their moth- of two people experiencing a very natural (well… I use that card and player three takes one ers life’s that they’ve never watched it (and clearly just have term quite loosely with regards to certain guys!) act, I must If this matches player two’s suit then players two and issues with their mums!), I shan’t be preaching about the stress that in the opposing sides, do not judge your flatmates. three take that number of swigs morals (or supposed lack off) on one-night stands, or even Do not bitch. Everyone has their own way of having fun. Still holding their cards, if player fours card matches promote safe sex (because if you don’t use a condom, you And whilst some might find joys in playing games all day, the suit, all three cardholders must take the grand total are simply a retard) no, I shan’t be that hypocritical.. ahem. others might find it in hardcore sex. A hobby is a hobby. number of sips, and so it goes on…….. This’ll just be my thoughts on the supposed hypothetical There is no right or wrong there. There just is what there is. situations that tend to occur, both the amusing, and the NOT Accept it and move on. so amusing... (Pauses to think what my mother would ever say if she read Firstly people, Snakebite should be BANNED. Oh quit this...!) Random Factoid... the whining, it’s for your own good. Really. Other than the Whoa. This has clearly turned into some sorta rant. I’ll Did you know: fact that it tastes absolutely minging (maybe I stand alone stop here, and if this actually makes print, and doesn’t The expression ‘raise a toast’ originated in the 17th here) and if some drunken idiot spills it on you it stains a receive ridiculous amounts of negative feedback (I’m aware Century when people used to put a piece of burnt toast bloody nice outfit! Sorry, I drifted a little there… oh right, that a lot of you aren’t gonna like this. but if it bothers you in the bottom of a goblet of wine to improve the taste. Snakebite. GUYS, PLEASE TAKE HEED: if you have any THAT much, why are you still reading??), perhaps... yes, Whoever took the last gulp claimed the toast! Clink- intention (whether it be pre-planned or out of sheer hope) to perhaps I’ll write again next week. A lot of you will know ing glasses at a toast was believed to ward off demons, leave the union with a girl, do NOT drink Snakebite. It is the who I am, but please do respect the fact that I’m not signing but the etiquette is that you must never raise your own ultimate NO NO. You may not realize this but that particular my name, not just yet anyway... otherwise when ignorant glass if it is you who is being toasted. drink (drunk in excessive amounts) has a somewhat slightly idiots walk past me shouting abuse, you can be the one that No lifestyle section is complete without a safe negative affect on your bits ‘n’ pieces and prevents a suitable has to deal with my severe emotional breakdown. Ha! enough job from being done! There have been a number of And just to sum up, and be a little clearer, I am in NO way sex ad... unfortunate incidents where the guy has been unable to... demoting the joys of being in a happy stable relationship. I well, let’s be blunt shall we? They just can’t get it up. have been there, and done that. There are things I would’ve Embarrassment or what? liked to change but I refuse to regret the choices I made NO GLOVE? And well, remember... girls TALK. *hangs head in shame* (well, it’s easy to say that, but when you’re having a sappy ***NOTE: Apologies is you think this aimed at you, or is girly night in all that emotional crap leaks out. Rudeness.), about you. It isn’t. You’re not the only one. Trust me!*** and in all honesty, I do crave a relationship at times, but I’m NO LOVE! I miss living on campus. Life was so much simpler back not ready to be in that place again yet. Besides, I’m lacking a then. You could have a brill drunken night out (not that that’s potential bloke at the mo, and I hear that having one of them changed) and if you got lucky (an opinion that can very helps to initiate a relationship! Anyways, in the same sense, easily change the next morning!), it was easier to go home I’m not saying one night stands or having a ‘f*ck buddy’ is with someone. You also feel a lot safer knowing that even if particularly wrong or right, but only ever do what you feel you go back to theirs, you won’t be leaving the campus (and comfortable with. On another note, my advice tends to suck, lets face it, the walk of shame the next morning was a whole so I personally don’t recommend it. But I like to babble, I’ve lot shorter!). Living off campus means you have a bit of a acquired this new taste for it... so you’ll get it regardless. walk home together (which tends to require conversation. And to think I had initially planned to write a sophisticated shocking, I know.) and you may even sober up by this point article about some newsworthy crap or another so I could (which can either make the experience a whole lot better, or add it as an achievement on my CV. Somehow I think I a whole lot worse!). might just ‘forget’ to mention this... yes. There are other uses for a FRESHERS: you probably feel like you already really know your flatmates, probably because you’ve never spent Yours Sincerely, condom. On campus and feeling 24.7 with anyone else in this way before, and by now you 1st Class Bitch. frisky? The Student Health either feel like you’re one big happy family or you secretly (The one that loves her brackets!) (possibly even openly after one too many in the union!) hate Centre provides free condoms. each other’s guts. But a bit of advice, don’t get off with a 3 October 2005 UniSTUFF 11 UniSTUFF. This creatively named area is where all the stuff various University departments send us stuff they want in barefacts. Do you like them? Or would you rather we left this stuff out? feelings to: [email protected] Why Fly When You Can Drive? More from the 3 ex-Surrey graduates, Maz & Alex Towns seemed deserted, until Maz was rudely interrupted during “When I were a lad………” and Martin Pitwood who decided to drive from the UK to her shower by a farm hand driving up and quickly retreating sponsored by Chancellor’s Bar and Restaurant New Zealand (65,000km) aid of charity! - not sure who was the more surprised! We joked that none of his friends would believe a word of it - try getting anyone Do you recognise this young man? Although never a Extract from diary 20/09/05 by Martin Pitwood: to believe a story like that down the pub - and sure enough student here at Surrey, he promotes learning and always 5 minutes later he was back with a car full of friends! greets you with a smile! I think we counted 9 different windows we had to visit to Unfortunately for them the show was over so they pretended Email answers to [email protected] by Monday get across the border from Bulgaria into Turkey - a couple they were there for something else then went away. 10th October. The answer and winner will be announced on the Bulgarian side but the majority on the Turkish side. in the next Barefacts. Police first, who sent us to buy a visa. Then another window To read more from the travellers’ diary page visit The winner will receive lunch for two at Chancellor’s! to pay a few euros for something or other to do with the car, http://www.overland-underwater.com/ This competition is strictly for current Surrey Students. insurance, paperwork to log the car into the country, special stamp in the passport so they know not to let us leave Congratulations to Ben Fredlund, (School of Engineering) without the car, etc. etc. All these windows were in the for guessing that the picture in the last Barefacts was, of same building but not in any logical order so we had to course, Colin Howard, Dean of Students. just ask each person to point at the next, the majority waving us only in an approximate direction with a frustrated wave of the hand, then finally we got back into the cars and one final control where they checked everything was done before they let us in. It was quite late by the time we finished all this excitement (once again breaking the “no driving at night” rule) so the first priority was to find a place to camp for the night. We found the terrain rather open but eventually found a place we thought should be far from anybody. It was fine, we all slept well and This would be Asia then... when we got up the next morning the fields we were in

I was supposed to be advertising space, but no company wanted to buy me because I was small and thin. Perhaps if we really tried, I could have advertised a cigarette company, but that wouldn’t be Who Might You Be? moral now, would it?

Last Week: Colin Howard Custom Built Come on in and Machines see what what we Fault Diagnosis and can do for you to- Repair Upgrades day.

Have something to say to the Components / Drives Call now on Multimedia / Printing 01483 world? Enjoy writing? Send it Monitors 68(2231) along to [email protected] 12 IT’S THE ENTS PLANNER! 3 October 2005

Another busy pair of weeks ahead of us. From the regular Chancellor’s Comedy & Chancellor’s Challenge, to 2 theme nights in Rubix on Friday(s) & The BBC 1Xtra tour stopping off one Wednesday to provide a night of Urban entertainment. ussu.co.uk/grapevine

October 3rd - October 9th Monday Chancellor’s Cocktail Night 3rd

featuring: Tuesday Stephen K. Amos, Joe Wilkinson 4th & Guests

Wednesday Chaka Demus & Pliers 5th

Thursday Open Mic Night in Chancell or’s Charity Shop Clothing Night in HRB 6th (There’ll be a prize for worst dressed) 9pm-late

Beach Party Friday £2 Advance, £3 before 10:30pm £4 afterwards 7th Presha (Drum ‘n’ bass) in the HRB

Cyclone: Saturday Hard House & Trance

8th No-wave in the HRB Sunday Stella Screen Free Film 9th in the HRB 8pm 3 October 2005 OH YEAH! THE ENTS PLANNER 13

Last week we printed some of the ticket prices wrong, and fudged up one of the dates on the planner. All we can do is apologise, beg forgiveness & promise never to do it again. Until, much like a five year old, we screw up again. And apologise again. Thus starting an eternal cycle. October 10th - October 16th Monday Chancellor’s Cocktail Night 10th

Tuesday Chance or’s Cha enge: ... ll ll 1st Prize£111 Last time: Tree & Piers attempt to run a quiz! in Chancellor’s no less! 11th 8pm - £1 per person in a team Don’t Forget to All entry money goes towards the Quiz Cash Prize! Bring A Pen... 1Xtra Uni Tour!: Wednesday Diggz, Semtex 12th & G Child £4

Thursday Open Mic Night in Chancell or’s 13th Afro Caribbean Society in Rubix

Pyjama Party! Friday £2 Advance, £3 before 10:30pm £4 afterwards 14th Cyclone (Dance Music) in the HRB

Asian Society presents: Saturday Bobby Friction 15th & Nihal in Rubix

Pitchblend Sunday & others 16th 8:00pm Rubix 14 MUSIC 3 October 2005 We have a bumper arts section this edition of barefacts - 4 pages of quality arts-style reporting. CDs, Films, the times of some on campus arts performances & more. Fancy contributing to these makes, you can contact the music team at [email protected]

WE ARE SCIENTISTS SHERYL CROW With Love and Squalor Wildflower Virgin Music A & M Records

Hmmm, not sure exactly how to Sheryl Crow is back after 3 years with describe this album, but you’ve gotta her fifth studio album, ‘Wildflower’. It’s love the cover of their CD sleeve! They sort of different to her other albums, describe themselves as energetic. Ha! but it includes much more orchestration Perhaps a bit of a relentless, unyielding than some of the others, thanks to Franz Ferdinand-esque wannabee, use- arranger, David Campbell. The track the guitars-in-various-ways-continuously- album takes its title from, Wildflower to-the-bitter-end-for-37-minutes is a quiet, thoughtful number with album methinks. There are no pauses a lush string quartet arrangement in or gaps between tracks to get yourself together after one of their many the background, beautiful chord sequences but a delicately sparse guitar lively numbers. It’s like Bam! Bam! Bam! Have another song! And another! accompaniment – which is very nice indeedy! But maybe the tracks aren’t in Mwahahah!!! I’ll admit I was a bit exhausted after listening to it. And they’re the right order for listen-ability. On first hearing I thought it would be another not even hard rock. Maybe there should be a new genre of rock called middle-of-the-road, guitar-accompanied solo female, just like all the others ‘exhaustive rock’ wherein you listen to ‘energetic’ albums of varying lengths, (even if it was Sheryl Crow) but I think the album gets better as it goes along. and when your brain and/or ears can’t take it anymore you pass out? Maybe Tracks 6 and 8, Lifetimes and Live it Up (complete with gorgeous harmonies) not. Anyway, they have great lyrics like, “If you wanna use my body go for really take you back to 1996’s If it Makes You Happy and 1997’s My Favourite it!” and, “The day you move, I’m probably gonna explode”. All I can say Mistake. Funny, that since they were both co-written by Jeff Trott who Crow to that is hmmmm…. Yeah so they’ve been on the evening playlist on Xfm collaborated with on those exact 90s songs. Always on Your Side is a and Jo Whiley’s played it a few times blah blah blah, and maybe each song welcome relief, starting off with piano, following through with a non-intrusive in itself is pretty good. Inaction, Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt and string arrangement and eventually opening up into a quiet band number Textbook are decent, but a lot of the songs all start the same way, with a which could be taken as a conventional love song, or not. There are also repetitive bass or guitar note. Also, the guitar riff in their single, The Great two…ahem…‘bonus tracks’ which are acoustic versions of Wildflower and Escape (due for release 3rd October) has an uncanny resemblance to Pink’s Where has All the Love Gone, but they’re still kinda nice. A very positive, Feel Good Time. Was that intentional? We’ll never know…. 3/5 Nicole uplifting album – just don’t be put off by the first few songs! 4/5 Nicole Heel Heel

INSTITUTE REUBEN Distort Yourself Very Fast Very Dangerous Interscope Records Extra Mile

If I said “Gavin Rossdale” to you, you’d This album is everything a new British probably say “Bush” to me, and you’d rock band should aspire to – in other be absolutely right, if not a little rude. words it damned well rocks, and But with nothing from the Rossdalean rocks hard. They have an army of riffs Rockers for four years, something had strong enough to take on any critic to fill the void, and that something has who dares to stand in their way. This appeared in the form of Institute. Made is not surprising considering they up of members from Bush, Helmet, Rival won best British debut in 2004 at the Schools, Split Lip and Chamberlain, you Kerrang awards with an album that can guess what Institute has to offer from the start. Immediate impressions was self-financed and recorded in a shed. This album was produced by are promising, with current single, Bullet-Proof Skin providing a suitably Chris Sheldon, who has worked with both Biffy Clyro and Foo Fighters, and energetic guitar riff and a singable/shoutable chorus topped off with listening to the album, it certainly has that Foos/Biffy vibe going on. Reuben plenty of distortion (to ‘distort ourselves’ no doubt). Unfortunately, that’s have also come out glistening on some more melodic offerings, such as where the lustre ends. After a while you realise that although the musicians Nobody Loves You and Boy, which sound as good as or at least near to, seem technically competent and the ideas are good, the songs just lack some of Mr D. Grohl’s more sombre creations. I have to say, not only can feeling. But this is where it doesn’t make sense to me. The songs may be Reuben produce an awe-inspiring album, they have some pretty humour- overproduced, the lyrics clichéd and a little odd sometimes (“when animals worthy song titles as well, for instance: Every Time a Teenager Listens to Drum attack – you need fire”), but the more times I listen to it, the more I want to and Bass a Rockstar Dies and Return of the Jedi. Another thing I like about listen to it again. But louder... The highlight is Boom Box, which presents a these Surrey (yes they’re local as well) boys is that they’re not a ‘scene’ slightly mellower groove with an anti-mellow chorus, guaranteeing some level band, they are their own, flirting with sounds from various rock genres. Now of movement when experienced, whilst Information Age is a plethora of you may be thinking this review sounds like I’m shacking up with Reuben, but angry bees (metaphorically-speaking). If you like your heavy-ish rock/metal, if you’ve happened to have read some of my previous album reviews you’ll get turned on by annoying guitar hooks, but don’t want to be slapped know I’m quite happy to slate any talent pretenders. Talentless, Reuben are around the face with a wet duvet of rock, then you should definitely Distort not. Very fast very dangerous they are. 4/5 Sam Carney Yourself today. It’s confusingly good. 3.5/5 Patrick Hunter 3 October 2005 MUSIC/ARTS 15

GOLDFRAPP FABRICLIVE.24 Supernature Diplo (compiled) Mute Records Fabric

It’s been five whole years since the The latest compilation from the world release of Goldfrapp’s debut, Felt famous FabricLive collection takes its Mountain which saw a euphoric yet name (Diplo) from the co-producer beautifully sinister melange of tracks of M.I.A.’s Mercury-nominated, Aru- which could reduce a brick to tears. lar. Diplo’s influences are very diverse 2003’s Black Cherry was more ad- – from the hiphop culture of Philly and venturous, and within the melodic New York to the more bizarre Japanese landscapes came a harsh electronic hiphop scene. His history of remixing angle that sadly, seemed to take peo- includes artists such as Beck or more ple by surprise. Supernature completes the transition into electronica and recently, Gwen Stefani. This compilation shows off the diversity that Diplo fortunately, this time they seem to have got it just right. With a more mature is capable of, including tracks from the likes of Aphex Twin, Outkast and The sound and instant likeability, this album promises to be one of the best of Cure. It’s a fast-paced, in your face, funk fuelled orgy of hiphop, dubstep, the year. Combining dominant synthesisers and colossal drum loops with electro, rock and techno sounds. In his own words this compilation can be Alison’s sexy yet naïve voice, it conjures up a fantastic fusion of emotion described as, ‘a mix history of the electro/Miami Bass sound’ and it provides which never gets tiring. Each track is totally listenable to at home on a rainy us with a great landscape of what that sound is all about. While most tracks day, but also wouldn’t sound out of place in a classy West End club. The are not very well renowned they are still capable of catching your attention. album kicks off with the fantastic single Ooh La La, and immediately you’re Some of the tracks would be familiar though, for example Cybotron, Clear, hooked. A strong, pulsating groove that makes you want to take all your which can be recognised as the backing track on Missy Elliott’s Lose Control. clothes off and a lush dance-evoking instrumentation formulates one mean Some of the tracks are slightly monotonous but on the most part this is a dance track. Slower, more chilled-out tracks like You Never Know and Let very enjoyable album for any fans of the FabricLive collection. It’s something It Take You provide a modernised hint of the early stuff, whilst Slide In uses different from most “dance” compilations today and really goes with what an – no other word will do – awesomely ‘phat’ synthesiser riff and electric the DJ likes and not with more popular stuff, for example, the use of Out- ambience to create a groove so good you may cry. Miss Goldfrapp, herself kast’s B.O.B. as opposed to their more well known tracks. All in all this is a describes Supernature as “An uber world of sound and hybrid creatures”. welcome addition to the already superb list of FabricLive compilations as it With more filters than a sewage plant, and an excess of sexuality and pure adds a different flavour compared to other DJs. 4/5 Ollie Ghaney energy, I think she has it spot on. 4.5/5 Patrick Hunter

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS Arts Performances PCD As a Music student, I feel it is my duty to plug my department’s goings on, A+M Records so here are some of the things the Music & Sound Recording and Dance departments are up to over the next two weeks. Erm…well not much so If you haven’t heard of far but there will be more exciting stuff as the semester goes on! The Music the Pussycat Dolls by department’s lunchtime concerts give you a chance to hear some familiar now then you either live and not so familiar works by composers dead, alive, old and new! They are in a cave, or have been normally given by undergraduate and postgraduate students specialising in subject to a prolonged performance, and the repertoire at these concerts is extremely varied. They period of unconscious- take place at 1.10pm in Studio 1 of the PATS building every Wednesday. ness. Their debut Single Nicole Heel Don’t Cha (featuring Busta Rhymes) went straight in at Wednesday 5th October: Lunchtime concert the top spot after having done the same previously in the US. The album itself is a varied bucket ranging from contemporary Wednesday 12th October: Lunchtime concert street hip hop and R’n’B influenced tracks like Beep (featuring Will.i.am) to tracks such as Buttons with its Arabic melody in Wednesday 12th October: Double Take with Lea Anderson the background. The album contains more than its fair share of 7.30pm, AP1, Austin Pearce A double bill of covers (all previous number ones I might add) including a very two short dance films (30 minutes each) - Flesh & lacklustre version of Hot Stuff (originally sung by Donna Sum- Blood and Double Take – specially reworked into mer). Feelin’ Good, however shows that lead singer, Nicole can special 2005 versions by the witty and innovative really sing and by no means does any damage to the original Cholmondeleys and Featherstonehaughs. Nina Simone classic. Sway (not long ago remixed by Shaft) is Sunday 16th October: Jane Glover: Mozart’s Women given a lounge reworking adding classy overtones over the Latin 3.30pm, Studio 1, PATS American backing. Overall the album is good, and the dance Mozart’s Women tells the stories of the women troupe background means that the majority of the tracks could loved by the world’s most extraordinary be dance floor favourites at a venue near you soon. Ground- composer, their influence and how they inspired breaking and lyrically inspired are unfortunately however, two some of opera’s greatest roles. Pianist Maureen descriptions that cannot be applied here, though it little affects Galea and mezzo-soprano Stephanie Lewis will the outcome of the songs as catchy pop tunes to be enjoyed perform Mozart arias, songs and sonatas to com by whoever wants to. 3/5 Peter Wigfield plement the discussion. 16 FILM 3 October 2005 Revolver Pride and Prejudice Director: Guy Ritchie Director: Joe Wright Starring: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, André Benjamin, Vincent Pastore, Mark Starring: Keira Knightly, Matthew Strong MacFadyen, Donald Sutherland, Brenda Blethyn, Judi Dench Hailed as Guy Ritchie’s return to form after the hideous flop that was Swept Away, (starring wife, Madge) Revolver should have been a gritty gangster If you feel the BBC production flick with brains as well as brawn. Notice I said should have. The film starts from 1995 is the benchmark out with quotes from Julius Ceasar, the fundamentals of chess, a business for Pride and Prejudice then be guide and Machiavelli. Clearly someone’s been doing some serious reading prepared to be pleasantly sur- since his last film went straight to video. “What on earth does that have to prised. This film, although it can’t do with hard core gangsters?” one may ask. Well the answer is quite simple. fit in every single event from Jake Green (Statham) spent seven years in solitary confinement in between the book like the six hour-long a chess fiend and a master criminal, leaving him as some kind of chess-crazy version did, it certainly has other con-man who believes that he has the perfect formula for the game, espe- qualities that make it a really cially since he won a shed load of money using it. We follow this somewhat enjoyable watch. For those of confused character as he seeks revenge on a crazy, leopard-skin, pant- you who aren’t familiar with Pride wearing casino shark named Dorothy (Liotta), gets hooked into working and Prejudice, set at the beginning of the 19th Century it tells the story of with two loan sharks (Benjamin and Pastore) and then proceeds to have a the five Bennet sisters who are urged on by their mother to find husbands nervous break down in a lift in one of the most cringe-worthy scenes of the ASAP as there is no son to take over their father’s estate when he dies. It whole movie. Don’t get me wrong, it really isn’t the actors’ faults, they all put focuses mainly on Elizabeth Bennet (Keira Knightly) who, upon meeting the on a brilliant performance considering what they have to work with, but Guy standoffish Mr Darcy (gorgeous Matthew MacFadyen) has understandably, is clearly lost without buddy, Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake). The film does preconceived ideas of him, and he of her of course. Knightly gives an have some visually brilliant moments (exhilarating gun fights and impromptu excellent performance as Lizzie, (one of the few heroines in literature you animation anyone?) and Strong’s character, Sorter, the stuttering assassin don’t feel like punching) and although Colin Firth is the definitive Mr Darcy, could have his own flick. Unfortunately Ritchie’s attempts at intellect have MacFadyen plays him with a little more humility. There are also brilliant sup- left Revolver feeling pompous and pretentious. My advice is to go watch, porting roles from Donald Sutherland and Brenda Blethyn as Mr and Mrs but don’t bother trying to figure out what’s going on. 2.5/5 Beth Heale Bennet, and Judi Dench as the snobbish Lady Catherine De Burgh. The film is very passionate and has more emotion than you might expect from Jane Austen, making the story and characters seem more real. The screenplay is well written and the cinematography is stunning at times. This is definitely a must-see for any Jane Austen fans and anyone who enjoys a good all- round film! 4/5 Nicole Heel

Live DVD: Hundred Reasons, Live at Freakscene Snapper Music Released 28th September This set was recorded in November 2004 at Exeter University, giving it quite an intimate feel which works pretty well with Hundred Reason’s (HR) crazy energy and infectious stage pres- ence. The DVD features tracks from both Ideas Above Our Station and Shatterproof is Not a Challenge so it’s ideal for fans of the band. As the live action starts it’s clear that HR know how to wow a crowd and their songs sound as good played live as they do on their albums, if not better. The band have slipped a new track into the mix, called No Pretending, and it certainly doesn’t disappoint. It still sounds like HR but it’s fresh and new and just a little taster of how the new album will sound, which, if all the songs are as good as this, will be pretty damned good. The set glides along effortlessly, helped by anthemic favourites If I Could, I’ll Find You and a personal favourite Falter which sees Colin flexing his vocal chords to fantastic effect and the crowd indulging in general slow(ish) song shenanigans. I’d recommend this to any fans of HR, as it runs like a greatest hits with the added bonus of being live, which would also make it an ideal introduction before the new album comes out early next year. While we’re here I’ll Don’t ask about where the other hand is... just plug the fact that HR are playing at the London Barfly on 14th December so if you enjoy this why not go catch the show? 4/5 Beth Heale 3 October 2005 ARTS 17 NATIONAL HERO by Terry Mackay Cotcher) who wants to make a documen- Yvonne Arnaud Theatre tary on Gregor – now much to the delight of 19th September-27th September Gregor’s neglected wife of 35 years. This is the catalyst to decide between his unhappy THIS new play, first shown at the Edinburgh marriage and his real love. West brings the Festival is a witty, intelligent look at relation- defeated air of a wounded animal to the ships, the meaning of bravery, and celebrity role but unfortunately, the huge age gap and culture. Mackay has set his play in con- a lack of any chemistry between the couple temporary Britain, amidst a nervous public did not give any credibility to this love af- awareness of terrorist threats. Gregor Tyrell fair. However, Peter Gurney is the technical (Timothy West) is a bomb disposal expert adviser for this production, and is one of and Special Adviser to a British government the world’s top bomb disposal experts, so fighting the war against terrorism, but is there’s a realness to the dialogue which pulls unappreciated by his employers and family. no punches about the aftermath of terrorist Facing retirement and feeling useless in his bombs, vividly describing scenes which we personal life, Tyrell is thrown once again into have just recently seen in real life. The play the public domain by yet another terrorist explores the importance of making the right attack, much to his satisfaction and his wife, choices in your personal life, as well as your Ann’s (Nichola McAuliffe) displeasure, as he professional life. Also, on a lighter, more leaves the family environment again. But our personal note, it was great to hear a play hero has plenty of unexploded bombs in his using regional accents such as those from own life, namely Mima (Carolyn Blackhouse), Yorkshire, Wales and Scotland instead of the The Joyous Union of Snake & Man whom he loved and left 20 years previously. usual home-counties accents we have come She is now unhappily married to boozy, to expect in plays. charismatic television journalist Alastair (Tom Lisa Sucheta Ahmed

MOBO Awards Tenth Anniversary Aftershow it like it was hot’ to the latest hip-hop tunes, Party no joking. Hammersmith Palace After a short set from Westwood, Richard 22nd September Blackwood took to the stage with his usual blend of comedy and sarcasm (“It’s ram By some chance of a miracle I managed to in here, just lots of people leaving space”) get my hands on a couple of tickets to the to present the ‘show’. It kicked off with MOBO Awards’ Tenth Anniversary official a dance collective named ‘Flawless’ who aftershow party, sponsored by computer blew the audience away with their street/ games design company, Atari. Very excited, hip-hop style that was a cut above the run- all dressed up and ready to get my groove of-the-mill robot dancers that usually strut on in a celebrity-packed nightclub, I set off their stuff. Flawless were chic (in their light for the venue in question, Hammersmith blue tracksuits, white hats and bandanas), to accept their awards unlike most of their beat the fashion shows anyway). Palais in West London. unique (with their dancing style and ex- US counterparts. Not taking anything away This was the last act, and the audience, On arrival we were greeted by an army pression), and definitely sleek (nice looking from the event, the MOBO awards are a breathing a sigh of relief, resumed their origi- of policemen and had to wait for ages blokes, who were not even a millisecond great concept and Kanya King deserves nal ‘shacking out’ to the latest club tunes, ac- before we were allowed in (apparently the out of time at any point). As they came to much love and respect for her persever- companied by Sway’s ad hoc appearance security team were having a very bloody the end of their routine we all thought that ance and hard work over the last decade, on stage. The party was supposed to go on long meeting, it looked to me like they were nothing could live up to their immaculate but I remember the days when the MOBO for a couple of more hours but all the bars just flapping around like headless chickens). performance, and disappointingly, we were awards attracted megastars from across the had closed, the already-sparse dance floor Whilst waiting outside, good old Emma from right. pond and had much more hype, advertising had gotten emptier, and we were feeling Big Brother 5 turned up screeching “Where’s A pretty average fashion show with danc- and support surrounding them. way too sober to have fun at this mediocre the VIP!?!!” at security, whilst others wait- ing models did their thing, dressed in David Opinions of the success and credibility of event. Hence, at 3 o’clock we decided to ing just laughed at her pathetic attempts to Bitton, Wrangler and Reebok (at least Reebok the MOBO awards have been quite mixed leave and grace the night bus… draw attention to herself by making lots of jazzed it up a bit with some live graffiti this year with some BBC 1Xtra forum com- Looking back, we anticipated a top-notch unnecessary noise. After all that palaver I artists) with a subsequent serious lack of ments dubbing the event ‘the biggest disap- night out, packed to the rim with newly got in unchecked (!), I guess I just looked response by the audience. I felt bad, but it pointment of the Urban calendar’. I feel this awarded artists from the UK and across important…(I wish!) was a bit crap to be honest. is a bit harsh, but I agree that ‘people will the Atlantic, as it was supposed to be the DJ Swerve, of Kiss 100 fame started off This was followed by random girls from lose interest in it soon as it is not engag- MOBO Awards Tenth Anniversary official af- the night with some wicked tunes, followed the audience gracing us with their sing- ing enough’. It appears, from the public tershow party, but we were disappointingly by The Heartless Crew who hyped up the ing ‘talent’ (it was more a battle of who opinion, that the MOBOs are a proverbial met with an average club night of which I crowd with their energised style. Whilst wasn’t the worst at trying to imitate Alicia bottle of champers that has lost its fizz over have to say, I’ve had many better (I reckon chillin’ out upstairs, MOBO 2005’s radio DJ Keys tunes) which was consequently met its ten-year duration. There have also been there was another party at Chinawhite or of the year winner, Tim Westwood, walked by boos from the now bored audience. arguments that ‘Music Of Black Origin’ is not something that no one told us about, dam- past, giving us a funny look. I think he was Almost oblivious to the booing, Big Bro 5’s a politically correct title for such a modern, mit). checking out my boyfriend! Then, repre- Emma decided to rear her head again in multicultural event, but that’s another debate Regardless, after watching the awards senting the UK, newly awarded MOBO 2005 one of her several attempts of the night to I won’t get into… ceremony on BBC1 on Friday night, I have best hip-hop act, Sway (who is currently stretch her 15 minutes of fame just that little So, is the answer to the criticism a new, to say well-bloody-done to all the MOBO unsigned) bowled past in his characteristic bit further (she wanted to sing as well, God improved, modified version of the awards? award winners, particularly to my favourite, wardrobe comprised of a white suit jacket, help us). Luckily, Richard Blackwood dealt Is the public being its usual over-cynical Kano (wicked album Home Sweet Home, red new era hat and Union Jack hanging out with her… At this point I wished I’d left after self? Or do the MOBO awards’ promoters don’t bother downloading it you cheap- the pocket of his baggy jeans. Westwood Flawless but I thought I’d put the pessimism just need to fix up and look a bit sharper arses, I’m telling you, go to Tesco and buy then decided to block my view of the aside and stay to check out the rest of the for next year? Whatever you think about it, only £9.97 come on!) The UK acts were dance floor as he parked his lanky six-foot- acts. the MOBO awards, if you’re an urban music representing this year (nice one to Lemar something frame in front of me. At this point Yet more dancing in the form of 2 groups lover and you want, especially UK talent to who bagged two awards after coming third (after a few Archers and lemonades) I de- ‘battling’ ensued, sponsored by www.the- get the recognition it deserves, get your in Fame Academy. By the way can anyone cided to check out the dance floor where jumpoff.tv. It wasn’t quite ‘You Got Served’ arses up and support, ‘rep’, go-down-to- remember who the hell beat him to win I was surrounded by a fine mix of people but the 2 crews, Pink Mafia and Lost Talent the-shops-and-buy-and-not-download, that thing?). I couldn’t help feeling though, shaking their stuff, including an old, balding, carried out some significant booty shaking express yourselves and keep on keeping on. that some of the winners won by a biased glasses-wearing guy in a grey suit ‘dropping which was reasonably impressive (well it Tina Hart vote, especially as they were actually there 18 REPORTAGE 3 October 2005 From his humble beginnings in the back streets of Guildford, here is one young boy who knows where he’s heading in life - his mission: to ‘big up’ Guildford and to win its longed-for city status! The only catch is, this boy is in fact a toy monkey residing with an undergraduate student whom he refers to as his ‘mum’. Our reporter, Poppy Brixton, went to meet him to discover his take on Guildfordian life and to find out why the welfare of Guildford is so important to him! FLYING THE FLAG FOR GUILDFORD, INNIT

“Geelford, Geelford, yeah!”, are the first words of Master misunderstood. So I just threw meself into the lesser known Haydon the monkey when I meet him in Roots café for his side of Geelfordian life and never looked back! I’ve been first ever interview (“roots, yeah it’s all about your roots!”). known to ’ave the odd pint in the pub (Trev buy’s ’cause he’s His voice is high-pitched, reflecting his modest years, and the adult, but erm, there was this one time when he got a bit instantly detectable is his London (no, Guildford) accent (I drunk and he tried to bite me when I wouldn’t give ’im the admit I don’t know the difference). He sits opposite me on rest of me pint, yeah. I ’ad to take ’im ’ome. Anyway, nuff one of the blue cushioned seats, perched on top of my lumpy said). It was another night over a pint that we struck upon backpack so as to reach the coffee-marked table top with the great idea to start a new campaign to make Geelford a his soft round hands (“Ooo, it’s one-a-dem posh caffs – they cit’y!” His face is alight with excitement. Cocking his head put a French thingy on the ‘e’. Cuppa char for me please.”). to one side to assess my reaction to his monologue, he shoots He leans towards me, his face moon-like and wide-eyed, his at me, “’ey?”. ridiculously large eyebrows raised, giving him a permanent So I quiver amusedly that perhaps there may be benefits look of anticipation. His mouth is spread wide in a grin, and for the people of Guildford, should it become a city, and I am momentarily flustered. that undoubtedly people will admire his fervour in giving “Sorry, I’ve never interviewed a monkey before,” I blush Guildford (or ‘Geelford’ as he so charmingly pronounces it), – he seems so real, cocking his head to one side as if to all the credit. reassure me. His ‘mum’ sits nearby, flicking nonchalantly “Well do you know (he pauses for dramatic effect), where through a magazine, as if there is nothing unusual about the me Mam lives?” situation at all. Not wishing to hold up the proceedings, I I don’t. regain composure and ask some questions about Haydon’s “Norfolk!” he scoffs as if the very idea of this is totally desire to propel Guildford into the heady heights of city- preposterous. “What a load of *!?$#, what wiv all dem dom. farmers and The Broads - BORING! And who wants to look “Well it’s me ‘ome, and I fink it deserves to ‘ave a place at a load of flat land full of crops?! And then there’s the Haydon, himself (also pictured: his Mam) among the greats: London, Manchester, Rome, Athens, Norwich cit’y lot - what’ve they got to show for themselves, I get some names we can start a Geelford fan club, and the Paris, New York, Rome...” he trails off, “no, already said Delia Smith and some mustard?!” rest will be his-tor-y! It’s all about giving Geelford the that. You get me drift,” he says casually, speaking with a A little taken aback by this very opinionated display (he’s glory!”. maturity beyond his few years. “I mean, you’ve got the not one to mince his words!), I point out that although And will he be taking his plea to the local government? castle, the cafedral, Stoke Park, the Universit’y, the Yvonne Norwich City may have slipped down a league last season, “Yeah! Not sure they’re gonna give us much of a look, Arnaud Theatre … it all makes for a truly beautiful and Guildford are sadly lagging behind in the national football being monkeys, but once we’ve got support from all multi-cultural metropolis, innit,” he insists. stakes.) the communit’y and a bit o’ dosh in our hands, we’ll be Yet to be convinced of the credibility of Guildford as a city “Well yeah, but you’ve got the Flames [Guildford’s ice laughin’!” (lets out a loud cackle of a laugh, steadily (although fully aware of the town’s previous failed attempt hockey team] and Geelford Heat [basketball], once again increasing in amplitude until the immediate area in Roots at being awarded this accolade in 2002), I enquire as to how demonstrating the diversity that we Geelfordians foster so has been silenced, lest for people choking on their coffee, Haydon arrived at his current position on the matter. modestly, ’ey?” whilst attempting to remain unperturbed – no one likes to be “Well it all start’d wiv me Mam, yeah, she’s one-a-dem I smile politely. “Come on, don’t tell me you wouldn’t feel shown-up in a public place). student types. She used to get a bit fed up wiv the anti- a li’ttle sense of pride if every so often you ’ad the privilege I retreat slightly out of embarrassment, but also feeling social types ’anging round the road where we lived – she of ’earing such chants as: “Geelford Cit’y, Geelford Cit’y, that I truly have met my match in a 12 inch tall stuffed got a bit peed off wiv the fightin’ ’n’ stuff so she couldn’t Geelford Cit’y, make some noise for Geelford Cit’y, monkey. Whilst I am saying my goodbyes, I reflect that he wait to get away from Geelford. See where we was livin’, Geelford Cit’y, Geelford Cit’y!” is one character who you feel will always have dreams and there was quite a few of these scary ’n’ leery mobsters How will he gain support for his campaign, I ask. ambitions, it just remains to be seen whether his optimism around – you could say, Geelford’s underworld. Now that’s “Well Trev’s gettin’ some fliers done, so we’re gonna give will pay off. That aside, I have been utterly charmed to where I come in. “Unbeknown to ’er, I’d palled up wiv ’em out in the ’igh Street. Bev (that’s Trev’s sister), is gonna spend an hour drinking coffee with a truly unforgettable and the locals and found them to be a jolly good lot – me best type ‘em out ’cause she’s got a computer in ’er work. Plus altogether lovable Guildfordian Geezer. mate Trev’s among ’em. Got an ’eart of gold, he has! Just I’m ’opin for a bit of support from the students, yeah. Once Reported by Poppy Brixton

Possibly the smallest personals section in What do you mean these are fake? They FEEL You didn’t look like a pumpkin after your spray the world... EVER! real... tan, honest!

If anyone finds a pair of discarded knickers near A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the Big up Twyford House C! UniK could you please return them to Sarah, she lies you can invent vaguely recalls removing them whilst queueing Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I for a burger last Friday night. She doesn’t Did you know you can actually fit inside those have others! remember why!?! chest freezers in Twyford! your music, your station. GU2! The Internet won’t work if you use a modem I would like to apoligise for biting Sarahs shoulder cable, Simon! and kicking Lucy in the arm with my Stilettos not my music, not my station. GU2! on!! And anyone else I happened to accidently Malcolm Rifkind for Tory Leader! batter in the course of Friday evening!! Tina x Any personals? [email protected] 3 October 2005 SOCIETIES 19 Richard Peddles Melon and “Cheese” The first of the Mountain Walking Society’s prejudices EU, which it joined just over a year ago. This also meant about Eastern Europe, or more specifically Slovenia, was that, with the exception of drinks and eating out, most things dispelled shortly after arrival. After our intrepid leader, were just as expensive. Andy, enquired about whether or not a bus driver spoke In between the sitting around in cafes waiting for buses, English, the swift response was “Ah Gentlemen ….Ne”. white water rafting, cave tours, avoiding being charged Despite its small population of around 2 million, we for some of Jon & Richard’s vodka melon, canoeing, and rapidly found that the average Slovenian speaker was not other leisure activities, the society managed some of the much more inclined to use and learn foreign languages most ambitious mountain walking it has ever done. The than the average English person. After a brief crash course best example of this was the 2000m ascent and descent of in Slovenian from the Berlitz phrase book, we were ‘Krn’, a 2245m beast of a mountain, which is greater than nevertheless able to master that all-important phrase “Ena the combined ascents of Snowdon and Ben Nevis, although pivo, prosim” and enjoy lager on a par with Kronenberg at higher altitudes were reached in last year’s Pyrenees trip. prices usually equivalent to less than £1 a pint. Remarkably the round trip was completed in only around Slovenia escaped most of the violence that accompanied 10 hours, and this may have been helped by the excellent the break up of the former Yugoslavia and there was no trace tea served by the mountain hut at the top, which was just of instability when we were there. In fact most of the country starting its new season. Vogel, slightly smaller at 1922m, seemed every bit as prosperous and tidy as the rest of the was also conquered early on with the aid of a cable car. On our days off, some pleasant walking was possible in the At the end of the trip however, everybody was happy to be wooded hills and valleys, going home, and frankly they needed to. After two weeks and those interested in of camping the cumulative impact of the general chaos history got the chance to see prevalent in that kind of accommodation had taken its toll. everything from medieval Richard earned a swift rebuke when he removed his boots castles to First World War during a classical music concert in Ljubljana on the grounds trenches. Sadly most of the that the brass and woodwind players needed to breath. To wildlife avoided us and we our surprise a sweepstake over how long it would take for saw none of the bears that our minibus driver and new club president, Lisa, to comment are supposed to be relatively on Andy’s newly acquired beard, was won by the longest common in that part of time. Europe, although there was Three months later we believe all society members have much interest when Jon shaved and done their laundry, so don’t worry; it’s safe to woke up with a scorpion join the Mountain Walking Society. To find out more, check in his tent! Thankfully, an out www.uphilldownale.com Alternatively e-mail Lisa (Club attempt by Andy and Ben President) [email protected]. to trap a fox that had been Words: Roger Watson stealing our food ended in a Photos: Richard Godden Mountain Walkers, I believe... failure. Conservative Society The USSU Conservative Society is one of the Membership of our fab Society is FREE and dominant political forces at the University of allows you to attend all society events, trips and Surrey, and we are now one of the largest Societies meetings. All members receive our monthly e- with just under 200 members. We offer an eclectic newsletter to keep you up-to-date with Society mix of social and political events & activities news, including forthcoming events, campaigns including: and meetings; as well as reviews of past social • An annual Trip to Parliament to watch a events. parliamentary debate, followed by Tea on the To sign up, simply email us at Terrace. [email protected] with your details. It’s • A quarterly current affairs Quiz Night - the as easy as that! infamous “Big Blue Quiz” at Roots Café Bar. • Evening Drinks Receptions and debates with USSU Conservative Society Members of Parliament and celebrity supporters. As we’re a political society, we’re fond of Contact [email protected] running campaigns on allsorts of issues. Our most recent campaign was to highlight the sound Website Conservative policy to SCRAP UNIVERSITY society.conservative.com TUITION & TOP-UP FEES! This term we plan to run an environmental awareness campaign to Meetings encourage students to recycle more of their waste Tuesdays, 7.30pm @ Roots (look out for the Blue Folder) this year. 20 EXEC RESULTS / ADVERTS 3 October 2005 Yes, we’re sure everybody knew about it and that almost everybody voted. Anyhoo, here are the results. Those whose names appear in bold will be representing you as your executive officers over the next year...

Accomodation officer Placement & Employed Culture & Events Officer As there was no clear winner in the first Blank Votes 36 Students Officer Blank Votes 40 round, RON was eliminated, and votes were Spoilt Papers 1 Blank Votes 42 Spoilt Papers 1 redistributed for the second round. Fiona Poole 75 Spoilt Papers 1 Roishin Mullins 43 R.O.N. 10 Natascha Thomas 62 Jennesse Haryia 24 Non-Portfolio Officer (R2) Total No. of Valid Votes 85 R.O.N. 18 R.O.N. 15 Non-Portfolio Officer: Round Two Quota of Votes Required for Election 42.5 Total Number of Valid Votes 80 Total No. of Valid Votes 82 Blank Votes 42 Quota of Votes Required for Election 41 Quota of Votes required for election 42 Spoilt Papers 2 Ethics & Equal Opportunities Nathanael Roome 38 Officer Union Chair Non-Portfolio Officer (R1) Gregory Scott 29 Blank Votes 33 Blank Votes 40 Blank Votes 42 R.O.N. eliminated Spoilt Papers 1 Spoilt Papers 1 Spoilt Papers 2 Elizabeth Lawrence 22 Suzanna King 65 Nathanael Roome 38 Christopher Ward 55 R.O.N. 17 Gregory Scott 27 R.O.N. 12 Total No. of Valid Votes 82 R.O.N. 14 Total No. of Valid Votes 89 Quota of Votes Required for Election 42 Total No. of Valid Votes 79 Quota of Votes Required for Election 45.5 Quota of Votes Required for Election 40.5

Student Discount Typo: You may have noticed the small ‘Student Discounts’ flyer/leaflet around the students’ union. Problem is, there’s a typo in it. The discount at Mexx’s is only 10%... We apologise prefusely. ���� ���� �������

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����������������� 3 October 2005 IT’S AN ADVERT! 21 22 PUZZLES 3 October 2005 Colin Everett, barefacts puzzle lord, has made a new batch of time wasters for you, the barefacts reader, to enjoy. Brand new to the puzzle page is the ‘Big Freakin’ Maze’ (self explanitory) The answers are on page 24 (that’s still the back one).

Clues Across: Clues Down: 7) European principality, sharing a border with France 1) The art of cutting hedges into certain shapes in order and host to Formula One Grands Prix. (6) to announce to passers-by “I’ve got a lot of free-time on 8) Engineer, me and heartless Terry built necropolis. my hands!” (7) (Cryptic) (8) 2) Name of wife taken by George II. (8) 9) In mythology, the half-sister of Ariadne, and 3) Word famously misspelt by US vice-president Dan inhabitant of the Cretan labyrinth. (8) Quayle. (6) 10) Distant; Unlikely. (6) 4) Shade hesitation, right inside Bella. (Cryptic) (8) 11) In Dante’s Inferno, those punished in the lowest 5) Part of a flower’s reproductive organs; Request issued region of Hell, along with Lucifer. (8) among marijuana smokers as a party begins to break up? 12) City to host the 2012 Olympic Games. (If you’ve (6) been buried under a rock for the last year, you heard it 6) Speech conceals info ration. (6) here first!) (6) 8) Annual Yuletide present from Norway to 12 across. 13) First month of the French revolutionary calendar. (9, 4) (11) 14) Man who dined with Dionysius, seated beneath a 18) Champagne bottle holding a quarter of the capacity dagger suspended by a single thread. (8) of a Methuselah. (6) 15) Actions deemed exemplary are said to be beyond … 20) Animal represented by the zodiac sign between . (8) Libra and Sagittarius. (8) 16) Crockery capable of interstellar travel? (Cryptic) (7) 22) Having a pH of less than 7. (6) 17) Contributes (Esp. to a charity) (7) 23) A number that can be expressed as a fraction 19) One who does not feel it necessary to wear clothes comprising only whole, non-zero numbers. (8) in public. (6) 24) Controversial spoof documentary series starring 21) Criminal; Prohibit. (6) Chris Morris. (5 3) 25) £2000 (slang). (6) BIG FREAKIN’ MAZE! pretty self explanitory title I feel. It’s a big freakin’ maze. Just find your way from the purple square in the top left hand corner, through the twisty turns of the maze and all the way to the grey square in the bottom right area. 3 October 2005 MORE PUZZLES! 23 Last edition you all got to cut your teeth on the Binary Su Doku, but this week you’ve just got the regular 9x9 grid. Playing is the same as it ever was - place numbers in the empty boxes so you have numbers 1-9 in each row and coloum, and 1-9 in each 3x3 square. We then said ‘Hey!, Why do we have just one Su Doku?’. No one could come up with an S U D O K U ( S) answer quick enough, so now we have 2 full-size Su Dokus. Aces. 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 0 0 1 1 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 1 0

What happens when all the UniSTUFF won’t fit onto the UniSTUFF A Day in the Life of … Sally Porter, Student Advice & Information Service (SAIS) page? Do we break down into tears and give up - No siree! We Receptionist create a new bit on another page that looked rather empty. Behold - UniSTUFF Extra! Provided by the Student Advice & Information Service 9am: After arriving at work, I deal with any emails and check the diary for the day’s appointments with SAIS advisors. As a part-time member of the service, I work full-time during semesters and take fourteen weeks off during the vacation period. At the moment I’m A Day in the Life of … Penny Cronk, Student Advice & Information Service (SAIS) in the process of producing statistics which show how many students have come to SAIS Advisor between September and March and for what reasons. Across the year, we get about 35 visits a day, which can range from simply picking up a form to a twenty minute conversation. During 8.15am: The first thing I do when I get in is have breakfast (I can’t start the day without September and October, this figure can rise to c50 a day and I anticipate the six-month figure cereals!) and read through my emails. Most of these are from organisations, such as the for enquiries of any kind will be c2400. Time will tell! National Association of Student Money Advisors (NASMA), but there will also be emails 10am: During semesters, the doors of SAIS are open to student callers from 10am, Tuesdays from students who need advice or help. A recent example is a query passed on from my to Fridays (1-4pm on Mondays), or 11am during vacations, and you can visit us at Wey colleagues in the Student Care central team from a potential student in Russia wanting to Flat 2, Surrey Court by the Main Hall (we have blue railings outside and a yellow front have access to a list of postgraduate fund sources, which I duly forwarded to them. door!) or click onto http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/sais for more details. About 65% of my job is 10am: During semester time, the doors of SAIS are open to student callers from 10am, dealing with enquiries at our reception area, which could include answering queries from Tuesdays to Fridays (1-4pm on Mondays) and you can visit us at Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court students and their parents, sending emails, posting letters and making phone calls on behalf by the Main Hall (we have blue railings outside and a yellow front door!) or click onto of students. One older gentleman arrived once carrying a miller’s wheel, a much prized http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/sais for more details. On an average morning, I can have several possession. I did some speedy research and eventually the right department was contacted appointments with students seeking help for a variety of financial issues. Each appointment and they gave him a tour before accepting the gift on behalf of UniS. Another student is thirty minutes long to ensure that each enquirer is allocated enough time to deal with contacted us as he wanted to know the legal aspects of starting a car valet service, so the all aspects of their difficulty. Depending on the circumstances, I could be telephoning questions we are asked cover a wide range of issues! organisations or writing letters on the student’s behalf. In one recent case, I chased up a Lunchtime: As SAIS is open over the lunch period, this is often the busiest time of the day slow-acting Local Education Authority (LEA) department to ensure a speedy conclusion to so, when I can, I snack at my desk. a late loan application. The student, understandably, was very grateful! Afternoon: In the afternoon, I continue to deal with student enquiries, including getting Lunchtime: As SAIS is open over the lunch period, I usually eat a salad at my desk if there directions, childcare problems, accommodation or legal issues. I will research any apparently are no appointments and complete a broadsheet cryptic crossword – it keeps the brain alert unanswerable questions and update the new card index I’ve recently set up with the answers, for the next unusual query! as well as letting the enquirer know of course! I could also be photocopying documents for Afternoon: Appointments with students continue and I could be arranging the appropriate students, making appointments, ensuring the diary is up-to-date or even unpacking boxes of allocation of hardship funds on their behalf or a loan to tide a student over. I’ve worked bus and train timetables. During vacations, it’s obviously much quieter, so it’s a good time in SAIS for over seven years and my favourite part of the job is the personal contact and to prepare for the next semester, catch up on the filing (my pet hate!) and carry out some helping students get the money they need to continue with their studies here. On the other essential stocktaking. My favourite part of the job is designing posters to promote SAIS hand, it’s very hard when I have to tell someone that for one reason or another financial services, and I tend to design 12 new posters every year, focusing on such issues as hardship help is just not possible. I also complete my case notes to make sure I’ve got all the and budgeting, or with a seasonal focus, such as Easter or summer. Our posters can be found relevant details and, on Tuesdays, there will be a weekly review of cases with the Hardship in four places around campus: near the launderette, the Post Office, Student Care Services Fund Operational Group. Most simple cases can be signed off quickly, but more complex and outside our SAIS office itself. financial issues may take longer. As soon as possible after the meeting, I write to the student 4pm: During semester, SAIS closes to students now (during vacations it closes at 3pm), and I telling them what decisions have been made. can then spend the last hour or so finishing off whatever needs tidying up or looking at future 4pm: SAIS closes to students now, and I can then finish off whatever needs tidying up until SAIS planning needs. … 5/5.30pm: It’s time to go home! 4.30pm: … I go home. 24 SPORT 3 October 2005

Here we have the sports sections, news chunklets, reports & the like from the campus’ very own sports teams... But this week there’s only one. In a sports club & want to rectify this deficency? [email protected], as ever, is the place to send things to. The Mountain Climbing Club... Climb Mountains

- with a fridge!) to Fontainbleau and South France for a week in a tent drinking port and cheap red wine is always going to or two climbing and sunbathing! Finally the summer ended be a recipe for disaster! with Jez’s and Si’s self named PRO-TOUR of the UK, 10 days If you’re interested in climbing or escaping campus for spent bivvying and hooning up some of the UK’s most famous a few days every fortnight then come along to the wall on and extreme climbs (as well as getting attacked by slugs one Tuesdays 6pm or Wednesdays 3pm and have a chat with us. night – if you haven’t woken up with a slug on your face you Alternatively if you think climbing sucks but want to get drunk haven’t lived! :-S)! and have a laugh with a crowd of people then head over to at After this it was time to start planning what insane things we Roots 8pm onwards on Tuesday nights! Our website has all the could get up to this year without getting thrown off the campus details – hit http://usmc.powersauce.com then go to the forum/ for good. Tuesday nights as usual kick started this process after bulletinboard and say hello! the formality of turning up at the Vertex to look at the climbing wall and maybe having a climb, everyone was then called off to Roots to drink and talk rubbish whilst slowly but surely The union of Man & Mountain trashing the place as the night goes on (they love us really!). The Mountaineering Club Diary – Part 1 Wednesdays climbing session was missed by Si, Ben and Me So the summer’s over, undergrads are back from a few as we took up the challenge of the Mountain Walking Societies months of paying off last years beer debt and feeding up on – North Downs Orienting event (basically walk to as many there mums cooking. Postgrads grumble about the queues in points around the Guildford countryside in 3.5 hours), not Roots and Channies whilst having their morning, early lunch, wanting to be beaten we took it upon ourselves to basically run lunch, just after lunch and afternoon coffees! the event. After 3.5 hours we’d covered roughly 18 miles and For the climbing club it’s a chance to reflect on the summers scored 384 points… coming 1st beating the 2nd place team by adventures and disasters had by one and all. This year the club 160 points! Our prize was greatly received but the aching legs headed to Spain for some climbing on some often loose rock for the next few days were not! (indicated by a large lump on Bens head for much of the trip). The 1st official club trip of the new year is to the Roaches in After this some of the club took a Hilux (big fat 4x4 pickup the Peak district on the 23rd –25th September and if last year Note the lack of Mountains. was anything to go by it should be very interesting - 15 people

Here’s a small selection of the (sports based) fun & frolics at Freshers’ Fayre 2005. As the helpful header to the left says there’s a bigger set of photos (without various bits cut out) viewable at FRESHERS’ ussu.co.uk/photos. If you go there and it’s not there yet, we’re very sorry. Technology is a harsh mistress that constantly puts barefacts’ collective face against the grindstone. WE ARE BUT FAYRE`05 ORDINARY STUDENTS! more at ussu.co.uk/photos

PUZZLE ANSWERS: READ UNDER ADVISEMENT This edition of barefacts was brought to you buy the letter ‘F’, the number ‘3’ and a selection of motivated individuals. The next all highly adsorbant edition of barefacts will hit the (small) kiosks Monday 17th October. Get those articles/reviews/obscene phone calls in now! Though if obscene phone calls are a bit much you could always submit a personal (in-joke) to [email protected]