Scholastic Magazine Because the Men's and Women's Campus Watch

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UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME -DEC. 12,1996 •

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It's the perfect gift for Grandma. Your parents will call you their SCHOLASTIC favorite child. MAGAZINE VOLUME NUMBER 9 FOUNDED 1867 DECEMBER Your HTH will want to snuggle with A Very Bookst~re you all day. Christm.as by Zac Kulsrud Whether you prefer the mellow sounds of Slow Jams Christmas or the danceable carols of Billboard's Greatest Christmas Hits, this guide to the season's best and worst music should help you find your favorite tunes for the holidays . SCHOLASTIC •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• 1LEi MAGAZINE FEATURES By Independent Find~ng a V oice ...... 4 by Jake Mooney Tackling the TCE ...... 9 You'll find: by Bridget Bradburn • The latest campus news and sports Means by M ick Swiney • National and campus entertainment ONLY $30 Last year, the indepen With Honors ...... 10 coverage dent newspaper Right by Loubel L. Cruz • Controversial campus issues Reason launched its cam Tales From the Crypt...... 12 • Weekend happenings A YEAR paign to hold Notre Dame by Allison Fashek • Humor, commentary and the Gipper to its Catholic character. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow ...... 14 Today, it often stirs up by Christian Dallavis controversy for its con How We'll Spend Our Christmas ...... 21 ------servative opinions. Scholastic staff •.•••••••..•••••••••••••.•.•..••••••• 6 Name: ______Lamentations of a Bues Fan...... 23 by Brian Hiro YES! Testing the Water DEPARTMENTS Addres s: ------ by Alyssa Peterson From the Editor ...... 2 I want a year-long subscription Letters ...... 3 to Scholastic Magazine because The men's and women's Campus Watch ...... 15 swimming teams will be Out of Bounds ...... 22 it's the perfect Christmas gift. spending a portion oftheir Splinters From the Press Box ...... 26 winter breaks in the pools On Other Campuses ...... 27 Please send this form, with payment, to: of Hawaii and Rio de Janeiro to train for the sec- Week in Distortion ...... 28 Business Manager, Scholastic Magazine Life In Hell ...... 30 .~~~~~~£~iiJ:f~riz{:l ond part of their seasons. 303 LaFortune Student Center ~~~~~ ...... 24 Calendar...... :...... :...... 31 Notre Dame, IN 46556 Final Word ...... ' ...... 32 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. NOVEMBER 21, 1996 1

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Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree Sophomore year, my roommates and I bought a three-foot tall Christmas tree, and Smith Glosses Issues on Drug Legalization decorated it with paper from the garbage can, Necco candy wrappers and a pink Daisy SCHOLASTIC razor. We put wrapping paper on our room door and drew Christmas pictures to deck the MAGAZINE Dear Editor, People addicted to drugs suffer from near-constant impairment. cinderblock walls. The whole time, we listened to the Charlie Brown Christmas CD and Volume 138, Number 9 Kyle Smith's comments in the Nov. 14, 1996, issue of Scholastic Even ifthey are willing to accept the increased personal responsi laughed at how ridiculous it all looked. December 12, 1996 bring up some interesting but regrettably invalid points. Though he bility, they are incapable of making the intelligent or informed This year, we bought a real tree for $19.99 at Flowerama and set it up in front of the http://www.nd.edu/ -scholast/ provides a dinnertime conversation topic or something to think decisions that Smith suggests. For an addict, it is not only the brain window in our apartment. We took ornaments and strands of lights from our houses over about while waiting for a computer to become available, Smith fails but also the physical need for the drug that makes the decisions. The Thanksgiving and we have grand plans for decorating it. But until our schedules permit it, Editor in Chief: Steven J. Myers to address the topic of legalization of drugs completely or effec legalization of drugs will not cure the addicts, nor will it be Managing Editor: Bridget S. Bradburn it will remain adorned only with the tags from the tree stand and a strand of red tinsel tively. conducive to their recovery. haphazardly thrown onto one side. Eighty years ago, the legislature of the United States was not Legalizing drugs will lead to a drop in crime. The problem will It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when the bustle of finishing papers and taking News: bored. They did not suddenly decide that Americans were running still be there - it simply won't be a crime anymore. Likewise, the exams takes precedence over wrapping presents and spreading cheer. But some back Kristin M. Alworth, editor out of control. As Smith points out, crime was low. The govern administration could take away all student rights and then boast that ground Christmas music might be the best way to add some festivity to the season of study MeredithW. Salisbury, assistant ment, therefore, must have had some motive for regulating drugs they never once violated them. If the sale of drugs were to become days. Zac Kulsrud reviews some of the season's best and worst CDs on page 16. For my Campus Life:· other than a desire to control American society. For, as Smith says, immediately legal, those with already-established drug businesses Kristin M. Alworth, editor roommates and me, though, it just isn't Christmas without garbage on the tree and Charlie addicts were a "tiny, controllable minority." The government would see the biggest profits. Drug sales would still be a huge Sports: Brown in the CD player. passed legislation to regulate drugs because drugs were dangerous moneymaker, and there is no reason to believe that gangs would Jeremy R. Dixon, editor stop fighting over the corners and customers, unless Smith means Brian P~ Hiro, editor and addictive. These properties have not changed in the years since Mea Culpa Entertainment: 1914. to imply that legalizing drugs would provide enough customers to In the last issue of Scholastic, the article "Raging for Rights" inaccurately reported that Christopher E. Myers, editor Though Smith's solution of personal responsibility over go around. Smith downplays this fact, but there's no reason not to Assistant Vice President Bill Kirk threatened to use police force to break up the Young Departments: authoritarianism is generally a beneficial one, in the case of drugs believe that drug use won't go up. This is again equivalent to the Democrats' rally if it occured. And in the article "The Night Shift," the frequency ofWSND Christian M. Dallavis, editor it is not feasible. Legalization of drugs will do nothing to solve the situation of students at Notre Dame. It is permissible for us to drink was incorrect; its frequency is 88.9 FM. Scholastic regrets these errors. Copy Editor: problem already established in the United States. If all illicit drugs alcohol on campus, so more of us do so and we do it more often and W. Patrick Downes were legalized, drug addicts would not say, "Gee, the government in greater quantities than when we lived in our parents' houses, Layout: Bon Voyage is giving me more personal responsibility. I better react by accept where such imbibing was impermissible. Brian H. Christ, editor Prisons will no longer be crowded, but drug sellers will still sell Scholastic extends its thanks to Kristin Alworth, who will be spending her spring Nic Ismert ing that responsibility and becoming a more law-abiding citizen." drugs and people will still use them. Drug-ridden, underweight, semester in London. Kristin has gone above and beyond the call of duty this semester as Helga Schaffrin As a freshman, I'm sure Smith has seen his peers do the exact developmentally-delayed infants will still be born, people will still editor of both the news and campus life sections. Best wishes, Kristin! You will be missed. Julie Vodicka opposite. We freshmen do not necessarily accept our new freedoms Photography: by taking more responsibility for ourselves and our actions. If die from overdoses and users will continue to be violent and Finally! Stanley P. Evans, Jr. editor anything, we become less responsible, as is frightfully evidenced unpredictable when high. The legalization of drugs will decrease Graphic Arts: by our drinking habits. crime, or at least what we call crime, and solve prison overcrowd This is the last issue of Scholastic for the semester. Look for us again in January, when Paul Bohensky, director Furthermore, addicts are exactly the people who are wholly ing, but it will not solve the problems that led to the outlawing of we will publish our annual Football Review. Until then, good luck on finals arid have Business Manager: incapable of accepting and acting upon personal responsibility. drugs in the first place. yourself a merry little Christmas. Colin P. Smith· Drug highs are caused by brain chemicals reacting to the stimulus Distribution Manager: of the drug. The brain does not function naturally or normally when Kate Rowland Bridget Bradburn Thomas M. Benco one is under the influence of drugs, nor does the residue fully clear Lyons Hall Managing Editor Systems Manager: SeanP. Hynes itself from the brain before the next drug craving sets in. Freshman Advertising Manager: 21 Years Ago: Jennifer L. Stachowiak This Can't Be Notre Dame Scholastic Wants to Hear from You • What do you think about Student Senate? In the April 11, 1975, issue of Scholastic Magazine, the Week In Distortion column _ explained how students would know that they were no longer at Notre Dame. The telltale • Db you.think students have enough rights? ....-..--..... - signs included: Disce Quasi Semper Victurus • Do you. think religion was created for the sake of survival? Vive Quasi Cras Moriturus. Detex cards go on sale in the bookstore ... Students are no longer standing in line for Published 20 times per school year at the University of Notre anything ... The sun is shining four out offive days ... New sidewalks replace mudpathi Dame. and printed at Ave Maria Press, Notre Dame, Ind. Letters for 46556 .. The entire contenls of Scholastic MagazIne are Write to us at: Scholastic Magazine ... The infirmary replaces throat cultures with doses of efficiency ... The student is copyright©1996. All rights reserved. No·contents of this allowed on campus with a cm-jor more than 15 minutes ... Enough copies of books are . magazine; either in whole or in part, may be reproduced in 303 Lafortune Student Center Thursday's issue any manner without written consent of the publisher. available at the Reserve Room ... ND men have their roomsfurnished with Chippendale Scholastic Magazine does not assume liability for unsolicited manuscripls or material. All correspondence should be University of Notre Dame must be submitted furniture like BP and Farley ... Lawn sprinklers aren't pointed at sidewalks ... The sent to Scholastic Magazine, 303 LaFortune Student Center, Observer isn't afraid to endorse something or someone ... Exam questions are suited to Notre Dame; IN 46556. All letters must include the writer"s Notre Dame, IN 46556 name, address and phone number. All letters must be by Monday at 5 p.m.· allotted time ... Pre-med students are no longer suspicious of one another. .. signed. Names will be withheld upon request in certain . instances. The subscription rate, including the annual football review, is $30 per year. Available back issues are 21 years later, we're glad the university upholds so many school traditions. $1.50 per copy; please speclfyvolum·e and number, ordate. or e-mail us at: Scholastic:[email protected] Copies of the annual football revie~ are available at $5 per -BSB • copy. Advertising rates sent on request. . Letters ;nustbe signed and include your name, address and phone number. Scholastic reserves tlu! right to edit letters for space.

2 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 3

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ine is the composition of the Semite. Cur rently, the' student body president is a voting member of the Senate, and some stu dents, including Kelly, see this as a conflict of Finding a Voice interest. According to Kelly, "The Senate should be a check on the president. It should be reviewing what the Student Senate struggles to define itself and figure out president does." Miller, however, exactly what its role is sees no such conflict, and emphasizes that the Senate's job is to represent the whole student'body. He does campus-wide issues." unity and effectiveness. The reform com acknowledge, though, BY JAKE MOONEY Enough of these student leaders are con mittee will try to get to the root of these that there could be a sk many Notre Dame students how cerned about the Senate's role in student problems by examining, among other fac potential conflict in the they feel about Student Senate, and government, though, that a 20-person com A tors, a more effective way to continue ideas president and Student Brendan Kelly, and Stacy McNulty at a recent Student you're more likely to receive quiz mittee is in the process of investigating from one year to the next. Kelly cites conti Union Board manager meeting. Few people are joking about the problems facing Student Senate, however. zical looks and questions than informed possible reforms of the Senate, and the way nuity problems as one of the Senate's big serving on the budget responses. To many students, the Senate is the entire student government works. gest obstacles. "Every year we have the committee. official who has an overall view of every vember 13. However, her letter was ad a hazy entity, a little-understood branch of Brendan Kelly, chief of staff of student same problems, and we make very little Student Body Treasurer Erin Hoffman organization. dressed to Miller and Megan Murray, stu student government perennially overlooked government and a member of the Senate, progress," he says. "We have to start over agrees, saying that there are "self-interest Miller also feels that these groups shou!d dent body vice president, rather than the amid the hotly contested races for student organized the committee and is pushing for every year, and we end up looking naIve. problems" with the formulation of the bud remain as voting members of the Senate. Senate as a whole. In this letter, O'Hara body president and major administrative student government reform. Kelly, who is Why should the administration give us what get. While Hoffman attributes many of these "Both groups are important to student life, wrote that the Campus Life Council (CLC) policy decisions. The average Notre Dame in his third year as a member of student' we want when we can't organize ourselves?" problems to the fact that newer, inexperi and their areas of operation are vital," he is the appropriate forum for such discus student, however, is not the only one who government, says, "After a while, some Miller agrees that with better continuity, enced officials are forced to try to organize says. "The Student Senate is a representa sions. lacks a clear understanding of the Senate's things become obvious. PeopIe-aren 't work the Senate would function more effectively. their budgets, she also says that "there are tive body." Kelly disagrees with Miller regarding the role and purpose. Many student govern ing well together." "Ourreputation with the administration goes no checks and balances," and that some Besides being reluctant to change the amount of influence the Senate actually had ment members are currently asking the same Though Kelly will head the reform com to what we've done in the past, and if we non-elected ,positions, like the treasurer, composition of the Senate, Miller also dis on the administration's handling of these questions. mittee, he feels that the changes will have could get up to speed quicker, we could do "could lend themselves to being a prob putes the idea that the Senate is ineffective, issues. He points out that Student Affairs is According to the student government con support from other Senate members. a more efficient, better job," he says. and points out that the Senate has been only required to respond to the CLC, not to stitution, Student Senate is composed of the lem." "There's already a lot of support on an Both Miller and Kelly are quick to point making progress on several issues this year. _ Student Senate. "What the Student Senate student body president and vice president, Hoffman also disagrees with the idea that In shaping university policy, Miller thinks should be doing is researching the issues, so representatives from each class and each the president should be prevented from serv that this year the Senate has been "an arena we present a united front to push things dorm as well as the off-campus president, ing on the Senate. "If we elect a president to for students to form solidarity and express through the CLC,"he says. In Kelly's view, the Student Union Board manager and the 'We have to start over every year, and we end represent us, he should be running things, their opinions" on such issues as du Lac the way to achieve this unity is to increase student body treasurer. and should be there to look out for us and revisions, campus improvements and the the size of the Senate and achieve "wider While the composition of the Senate is up looking naive. Why should the administration build consensus," she says. usage of the Alumni/Senior Club. Specifi democratic representation." He cites dis"' clear, its powers and duties are open for Another issue is why the student body cally, he points to the work the Senate did in agreement among Senate members as a interpretation. In addition to the power to give us what we w?lnt when we can't organize treasurer and the-Student Union Board man -making a recommendation to the Campus major factor in the administration's treat allocate funds and approve certain person ager - both non-elected officials - are ourselves?" - Brendan I(elly Life Council during the controversy over ment of the Senate. "Bill Kirk and the rest of nel decisions, the Senate is vested with the allowed to vote on issues that do not directly the College Democrats' right to protest. , the administration will respond positively if power to "formulate and advance the posi relate to their areas. "Erin Hoffman and the people in SUB are great at what they do, but This year, however, it has been unclear they feel that we have a clear consensus," he tion of the student body on all issues con individual basis. We need to present a large out that the current Senate has taken steps to that depends solely on the people in the whether the actions of Student Senate have says. cerning student life." package," he says. improve communication with previous ad positions," Kelly says. "Why should they made an impact on the administration. Stu While most student government mem If this directive seems broad or unspe Kelly disagrees with Miller's assertion ministrations, but that the constitution does vote on GLND/SMC or the Alumni/Senior dent Senate sent a letter dated October 30 to bers would agree that Student Senate can be cific, that's because it is. Student Body that the Senate's flexibility works to its not explicitly require such efforts to main Club? These are sensitive issues." Professor Patricia O'Hara, vice president an influential force, the dispute over how it President Seth Miller thinks this vagueness advantage. "The Senate is very fle~ible, but tain continuity between s,tudent government - Hoffman disagrees. "Any student leader for Student Affairs. The letter recommended will accomplish this goal, and how well it is beneficial. "The Senate's function is what so flexible that its role is ambiguous, and it administrations. "1 think it's fair to assume is qualified to have an opinion," she ex that a committee be formed to discuss the has served in the past, will continue. Miller its members want to make of it," he com has failed to reach its potential," he says. we'd look at subcommittees to work on plains. "We don't represent a contingency; structure of du Lac, disciplinary hearings says that the Senate should serve as "the ments, adding that the Senate "is there to According to Kelly, the main problems transition," Miller says. but that's not unique." Hoffman adds that and student rights. O'Hara responded to students' voice,", but just how strong this offer a forum for student leaders to discuss with the Senate are a lack Of consistency, Another issue the committee may exam- the treasurer is the only student government their recommendations in a letter dated N 0- voice is remains uncertain. 0 4 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE .DE.CEMBER 12, 1996 5 ironic," he says. "[The criticism] stems from readers'ignorance." The editors believe misunderstandings most often surround the humor and irony in A year after its founding, Right Reason has established the newspaper. But they feel this satire is vital to their purpose. "there are people who itself as a conservative, Catholic and often controversial don't agree with the views but objectively voice on campus and they have done it ... can appreciate the humor and irony," Hochschild says. But Rimelspach does not think that their style of humor belongs in a newspaper. "It detracts from their legitimacy. It's in poor journalistic taste sometimes," she says. By Independent "The way to approach the self-important liberalism on campus ... requires not point by-point rebuttal, but satire," Moloney says. But he believes this satire goes over the heads of many of Right Reason's readers. "Some people don't get the jokes, the satire Means ... not by a long shot. A lot of people think that satire isn't compatible with Christian ity." Criticism is a motivation for what Right Reason does, Moloney admits. "When all of us" and he thought the best way to people write for Right Reason, they know BY BRIDGET BRADBURN "There are ways in which the Catholic teach ensure this was to hand the reins over to an ing on homosexuality is being used for they won't be extremely popular.... [But] raduate student Dan Moloney an undergraduate. political gain," he says. "I saw a need for an because you write for Right Reason, you G nounced his resignation on the same "Right Reason has to be an undergraduate independent newspaper that could talk about wear the criticism as a badge of honor." At day that Lou Holtz did. But unlike paper for it to continue. That's part of the these things." the same time, though, he says, "A lot of Holtz's reason I wanted to move on," says Moloney, A year after its founding, the voice that people [at Notre Dame] don't take a strong who is in his third year. as a graduate Rigl:zt Reason has adopted, the issues it position [on issues]," and the "counter-cul student in philosophy. "There' addresses and the opinions it embraces have turalrole thatRight Reason plays ... cause[s] needs to be some transi sparked reactions around campus. These people to be put off [by the idea of] writing tion orit will become stag ~ reactions have taken many forms, from the for us." , nant." theft of 2,000 issues last spring by two While Right Reason's relationship with , The vitality that GLND/SMC members to an article in Com some members of the the student body and " Moloney hopes will be pre mon Sense this semester questioning their faculty has been volatile, it has found an ally served is characterized by a funding and political ideology (see sidebar). in Professor Ralph McInerny, director of strong, conservative, Catho But throughout it all, the editors of Right the Jacques Maritain Center. McInerny al lic voice. Moloney and his Reason have remained steadfast in their lows the staff to use the center for layout and sister Sheila, a senior at the views. production of the issues. time, foundedJhe paper last Many students are put off by this agenda. McInerny acts as an advisor "only infor rfii{'ls~'t:g:;;:;;:,~:;,s year to "call Notre Dame to mally," Kelly says. "We don't consult him "I think there's an inherent fallacy in saying READING HIS RIGHTS. This student explores the articles the editors hope will remind pay attention to its Catholic that they're trying to maintain a Catholic often." Hochschild adds that both he and students of the university's Catholic character. " character," Moloney says. character because ... I disagree with their Moloney,who knew each other during their , "We try to document how presentation of what Catholic character is," undergraduate ~ars at Yale, already had .. , """'."""':'. , Notre Dame is not living up to says junior Rene Rimelspach. "I think it experience in campus journalism and didn't did not know how much editorial control the office space, although the' administration , its Catholic ideals. We try to involves more social justice than I see com see aneed for an official advisor. And while administration would claim. He believes has asserted in the past that unrecognized , reflect on Catholic character and ing through in their articles." Moloney says Right Reason is "considering they have the best of both worlds right now, student groups can not university facilities how that reflects on education, ' Unfortunately, the editors think ~uch of down the road, registering as a student since they have permission to distribute on as meeting places. Kelly believes the rela " culture and politics:" , the criticism Right Reason commonly gets group," they are nervous about how much campus but don't have to be accountable to tionship is legitimate "if we have the Moloney saw a need for a pub is not as well-informed. "I know a lot of editorial control a university advisor would , the administration in any way. professor's permission." But Cassidy was lication with this goal because he people dismiss it because they think they have. Joe Cassidy, director of Student Ac Hochschild believes McInerny under 'not aware that the staff was using McInerny's , ,didn't seea,forum available for know what it says," says Senior Editor Josh tivities; ,points out that all official student stands these concerns. "He asked not to ,be office space and sayshe does not know if it resignation, Moloney's resignation was not students to debate issues in campusnews. In Hochschild. ' " , , 'media establish their own editorial policies, made an official part of the newspaper be is within the boundaries of du Lac. surrounded by controversy over whether he his first year here,he was bothered by the Publisher Fred Kelly, ~ho will take over though. cause he didn't want us to feel beholden to : Sr. Jean Lenz, assistant vice president of was forced out or was leaving of his own philosophy department's attempts to ap as editor in chief with the next issue also Hochschild says that one of the reasons, 'him," Ho'chschild says. "And he wouldn't Student Affairs, also does not know of any volition. Moloney decided to step down as . . '. ' . , point a pro-choice professor ,to the chair in recognizes that much of the criticism they the newspaper is deliberately not an official claIm to agree with everything we publish." rules regarding professors' involvement in ' editor in chief of Right Reason because he , But no one seems to know whether an unofficial student groups or the groups' use ethics and the GLND/SMCc:ontroversy. ' r~ceive is uninformed. "I find that most student organization is that they knew they wants the paper to be something that"outlasts would be criticizing the administration and unofficial student group can use university of office space. "I don't think we have any ,. 6 SCHO'LASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I NE '. DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 7

I I,t ~ " ---- __ , " ' -' " ' ironic," he says. "[The criticism] stems from readers'ignorance." The editors believe misunderstandings most often surround the humor and irony in A year after its founding, Right Reason has established the newspaper. But they feel this satire is vital to their purpose. "there are people who itself as a conservative, Catholic and often controversial don't agree with the views but objectively voice on campus and they have done it ... can appreciate the humor and irony," Hochschild says. But Rimelspach does not think that their style of humor belongs in a newspaper. "It detracts from their legitimacy. It's in poor journalistic taste sometimes," she says. By Independent "The way to approach the self-important liberalism on campus ... requires not point by-point rebuttal, but satire," Moloney says. But he believes this satire goes over the heads of many of Right Reason's readers. "Some people don't get the jokes, the satire Means ... not by a long shot. A lot of people think that satire isn't compatible with Christian ity." Criticism is a motivation for what Right Reason does, Moloney admits. "When all of us" and he thought the best way to people write for Right Reason, they know BY BRIDGET BRADBURN "There are ways in which the Catholic teach ensure this was to hand the reins over to an ing on homosexuality is being used for they won't be extremely popular.... [But] raduate student Dan Moloney an undergraduate. political gain," he says. "I saw a need for an because you write for Right Reason, you G nounced his resignation on the same "Right Reason has to be an undergraduate independent newspaper that could talk about wear the criticism as a badge of honor." At day that Lou Holtz did. But unlike paper for it to continue. That's part of the these things." the same time, though, he says, "A lot of Holtz's reason I wanted to move on," says Moloney, A year after its founding, the voice that people [at Notre Dame] don't take a strong who is in his third year. as a graduate Rigl:zt Reason has adopted, the issues it position [on issues]," and the "counter-cul student in philosophy. "There' addresses and the opinions it embraces have turalrole thatRight Reason plays ... cause[s] needs to be some transi sparked reactions around campus. These people to be put off [by the idea of] writing tion orit will become stag ~ reactions have taken many forms, from the for us." , nant." theft of 2,000 issues last spring by two While Right Reason's relationship with , The vitality that GLND/SMC members to an article in Com some members of the the student body and " Moloney hopes will be pre mon Sense this semester questioning their faculty has been volatile, it has found an ally served is characterized by a funding and political ideology (see sidebar). in Professor Ralph McInerny, director of strong, conservative, Catho But throughout it all, the editors of Right the Jacques Maritain Center. McInerny al lic voice. Moloney and his Reason have remained steadfast in their lows the staff to use the center for layout and sister Sheila, a senior at the views. production of the issues. time, foundedJhe paper last Many students are put off by this agenda. McInerny acts as an advisor "only infor rfii{'ls~'t:g:;;:;;:,~:;,s year to "call Notre Dame to mally," Kelly says. "We don't consult him "I think there's an inherent fallacy in saying READING HIS RIGHTS. This student explores the articles the editors hope will remind pay attention to its Catholic that they're trying to maintain a Catholic often." Hochschild adds that both he and students of the university's Catholic character. " character," Moloney says. character because ... I disagree with their Moloney,who knew each other during their , "We try to document how presentation of what Catholic character is," undergraduate ~ars at Yale, already had .. , """'."""':'. , Notre Dame is not living up to says junior Rene Rimelspach. "I think it experience in campus journalism and didn't did not know how much editorial control the office space, although the' administration , its Catholic ideals. We try to involves more social justice than I see com see aneed for an official advisor. And while administration would claim. He believes has asserted in the past that unrecognized , reflect on Catholic character and ing through in their articles." Moloney says Right Reason is "considering they have the best of both worlds right now, student groups can not university facilities how that reflects on education, ' Unfortunately, the editors think ~uch of down the road, registering as a student since they have permission to distribute on as meeting places. Kelly believes the rela " culture and politics:" , the criticism Right Reason commonly gets group," they are nervous about how much campus but don't have to be accountable to tionship is legitimate "if we have the Moloney saw a need for a pub is not as well-informed. "I know a lot of editorial control a university advisor would , the administration in any way. professor's permission." But Cassidy was lication with this goal because he people dismiss it because they think they have. Joe Cassidy, director of Student Ac Hochschild believes McInerny under 'not aware that the staff was using McInerny's , ,didn't seea,forum available for know what it says," says Senior Editor Josh tivities; ,points out that all official student stands these concerns. "He asked not to ,be office space and sayshe does not know if it resignation, Moloney's resignation was not students to debate issues in campusnews. In Hochschild. ' " , , 'media establish their own editorial policies, made an official part of the newspaper be is within the boundaries of du Lac. surrounded by controversy over whether he his first year here,he was bothered by the Publisher Fred Kelly, ~ho will take over though. cause he didn't want us to feel beholden to : Sr. Jean Lenz, assistant vice president of was forced out or was leaving of his own philosophy department's attempts to ap as editor in chief with the next issue also Hochschild says that one of the reasons, 'him," Ho'chschild says. "And he wouldn't Student Affairs, also does not know of any volition. Moloney decided to step down as . . '. ' . , point a pro-choice professor ,to the chair in recognizes that much of the criticism they the newspaper is deliberately not an official claIm to agree with everything we publish." rules regarding professors' involvement in ' editor in chief of Right Reason because he , But no one seems to know whether an unofficial student groups or the groups' use ethics and the GLND/SMCc:ontroversy. ' r~ceive is uninformed. "I find that most student organization is that they knew they wants the paper to be something that"outlasts would be criticizing the administration and unofficial student group can use university of office space. "I don't think we have any ,. 6 SCHO'LASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I NE '. DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 7

I I,t ~ " ---- __ , " ' -' " ' jurisdiction over that," she says. "That's stress that the issue of faculty involvement ture]." more [the professors~] business .... We have in unrecognized student groups has never Hochschild has less specific goals in mind. no policy in Student Activities and there is before been raised and they don't see it as a "In the first five years, it's hard to tell what no policy in du Lac." potential problem. the final identity is going to be. College When asked about his relationship with Overall, the editorial board is satisfied traditions are strange because there is so fast the newspaper, though, McInerny responded with the impact the paper has had on cam a tum-over," he says. He hopes the current angrily. He stresses that he has never been pus over the past year, and they are optimis editorial board can give the paper "enough questioned about providing office space to tic about the future. "We would like to of a structure and an identity that people can the staff and says he would "find it very odd continue what we're doing and do it better," ..... inherit it without feeling they have to rein that anyone would raise the question." Moloney says. "The quality of writing is vent it." But he thinks that Right Reason's And while neither Lenz nor Cassidy were very good .... and the quality of thought is "primary identity will always have some aware that Right Reason is laid out and very good at Right Reason, but I see us thing to do with standing up for Notre Dame Teacher course evaluations are produced in McInerny's office, they both having a more educational role [in the fu- and its orthodoxy." 0 intended to improve teaching, but it is unclear how much Getting by with a Little Help weight students and teachers give them

think professors will regard TCE results teacher's enthusiasm and a question identi from Their Friends BY LAUREL PAFFHOUSE with the same lack of concern. "Students are fying each participant's gender are also be t's that time of year again. There are .smart. They catch on," says Williams. ing proposed. I about 10 minutes left in class, and the Junior Brendan Kelly, chief of staff of Teacher evaluations have come a long or a newspaper that exists to stir up debate on campus, Right them or employed by them," Hochschild adds. professor is passing around a stack of student government and a member of the way since their inception, though. Professor PReason has ~scaped ~ p.otent~ally significant controversy According to Right Reason, this year they are funded by a few pink Scan-Tron forms. They are the Teacher Student Academic Council Committee Edward Cronin says, "They are 100 per over the detaIls of theIr fmancmg. hundred dollars in SUbscriptions and $1,500 from the Intercolle- Course Evaluations, and students know the (SACC), thinks the difference in viewpoint cent, 1,000 percent, better than what they Last year, Right Reason received $3,000 in seed money from the giateStudies Institute, which has also received donations from the drill. The forms are halfway finished even between students and professors causes used to be." Bradley Foundation, a Milwaukee-based philanthropic organiza- Bradley Foundation and funds conservative newspapers~t schools before the professor leaves the room as many of the problems with TCEs. The current teacher course evaluations tion that funds charitable organizations and hospitals in Milwau- nationwide. students rush to escape class a couple min According to Kelly, "students aren't go emerged largely due to Cronin's efforts. kee. They also donate large sums of money to right-wing think One of the benefits RightReason would reap if it sought recog utes early. ing to·take them seriously" because they are According to Cronin, originally one student tanks, magazines; scholars and journalists. . nition as an official student group would be the ability to apply for Teacher Course Evaluations (TCEs) are ready to head home. after a semester of from each class would evaluate the profes One of the Bradley Foundation's more controversial donations university funds. "I like being independent, but it would be nice to intended to help professors improve their classes. The evaluations are doled out late in sor. After the results of a particular evalua have been to authors whose work is considered by many to be racist. have some money," Kelly says. He fears that "along with student teaching and their courses. However, stu the semester and any complaints students tion, however, Cronin says that "a very fine They funded authors Richard Herrnstein and Charles Murray who government money ·comes some restrictions." dents and professors question how useful have concerning the professor or course professor received a low grade." As it turns wrote The Bell Curve, a book that proposed that intelligence is It is also unclear as to whether Right Reason would have to make they really are. A major problem with TCEs cannot be fixed since "the damage is done." out, the student who evaluated this profes based on the genetic predisposition of each race, with blacks being financial concessions if they were to gain official recognition. is that students and professors regard the Kelly also thinks students are unaware of sornever wentto class, which resulted in the on thelow end of the spectrum. While no official steps in seeking recognition have been taken yet, form differently. Many students just think the importance these results play in the undesirable evaluation. Right Reason did not receive ,any widespread criticism for their Kelly says that if they would have to forfeit their outside grants, the form is an inconvenience and a waste of promotional and tenure decisions for pro Cronin recognized the injustice of this attachment to the. Bradley Foundatiori, though. "I don't think Right Reason probably would not seek official status .. time. As sophomore Greg Barlin says, fessors, and that causes students to be care criticism, so he petitioned to have the evalu anyone knew or cared," Senior Editor Josh Hochschild says."For Director of Student Activities Joe Cassidy thinks it is premature "They're a pain." less while filling out the surveys. ations reshaped. Cronin headed a group of anyone who watches, they know there are these think tanks who to pdnder the fate of their outside grants before action has been Since students do not see the results of Despite student skepticism, some profes three people that investigated "nearly 40 give money to publications. They don't even blink at giving out taken on gaining recognition, though. "It's putting the cart before TCEs, many are unclear about the impact of sors say that TCE results are very important teacher course evaluations from colleges money .... A couple thousand is really not that much money." the horse," hesays. "Why look at funding before looking at whether the evaluations and tend to fill out the sur to them. Professor Umesh Garg, says he across the nation. " They took the best from One person who has taken issue with the foundation, however, is we are interested in recognizing them T And Cassidy. is not sure veys flippantly. Seilior Carrie McKnight "has no idea" how seriously students re each evaluation and formatted a survey that Director of Gender Studies Kathleen Biddick .. Biddick wrote a how much j,~terest there would be jn recoghizin~them. "Wh.at believes thau~ "purpose [these evalua spond to the TCE, but he still takes them evaluated a teacher's performance in class column titled "What Price Doesit·Gost to· Silence Queers at N1)?" purpose .would th~y serve that curreritpublications don'talreiidy?" tions] have for teriured professors" is nebu "very, very, seriously." He believes the com based on student comments. For the most which. was printed in. both the Gender, Studies newsletter and in· he asks,"They'd havea tough sell." ...... - lous. Many students, like McKnight, think ment section, in particular, is a "truly useful part, Cronin's reformed evaluation paral CommonSense: In the column, Biddickimplore~ students to "go-· Moloney disagrees w~th this idea. "Vfe're ~bviouslyverYdiff~r that their comments and evaluations are source of information." In fact, he remarks lels the one that current students fill out back to [their] dormsand dining halls arid talkamong [theni]selves ent fr~m other papers .. on campus," he says. ":Right Reason. is a unimportant, since it often seems that any that he "would not trade [the comment sec every semester, and the goal oftoday's TCE about the way knowledge is coming to be bought and sold at Notre. journal witha point of view. We fill a niche just in ~ sense of being thing less than a scandal for a tenured pro tion] for anything else." Williams, too, says is the same: to evaluate how a teacher trans Dame." After detailing so~e of the activities of the fouridation, ajournal.of opinion." ...... fessor will not change their teaching posi she has "always taken them seriously." fers knowledge to a student. ;: Biddick asked, "Is this the Foundation we want to invest in the -.While it.might ~hange if RightRe~son yverdoes seek officiaI tion. Changes in the tCE may be underway, But many want to see improvements made "!i ii' intellectual elite at Notre Dame?" ...... status, Moloney speaks of the current challehge of"trying to be a Professor Ursula Williams believes stu- however. Kelly says the SACC is currently on the TCE in the near future. Kelly, for one, i: i', ButPublisher Fred Kellydefends th~ Bradley Foundation and. stU~ent ~roup whil,e officially off-campus. Notre Dame hasbee~ - dents take the TCEs as seriouslY as their looking at ways in which the TCE can be hopes that students and faculty members l'I ,·1 ~h~irmore controversial activities. "!hyy're notracjst:They ca~ be.. vyry nicet? us .:~ theivebeen very forgiving." Still, he adniits, "it professors lead them to believe they should. improved. Although the recommendations will allow the teacher course evaluation to i! const:ued as; such .ri~, today' s .society],. but I don't mind, .being. . would be IliciHo have th,e privi1e~e of being a student group andthe Wpen teachers treat the evaluation as unim~ have yet to be determined, Kelly hopes to reach its maximum potential. "People are aS~,ocIat~d ;VIth them,. he says. .' ...... Jr.eed()m..of.being off~capjpus." .. . portant by allotting only a small amount of see the evaluation administered earlier in very open to change. It's just hard to get We don t make any money from them; weare not beholden~?, . .,.. . ..'::: .. -:-.by B:r,idget Bradbum time for students to complete it, ~tudents the semester. TCE questions regarding the them to do it," he says. 0

8 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12,1996 9

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~~ " ,. ." . -----',------~-.~~.---- . jurisdiction over that," she says. "That's stress that the issue of faculty involvement ture]." more [the professors~] business .... We have in unrecognized student groups has never Hochschild has less specific goals in mind. no policy in Student Activities and there is before been raised and they don't see it as a "In the first five years, it's hard to tell what no policy in du Lac." potential problem. the final identity is going to be. College When asked about his relationship with Overall, the editorial board is satisfied traditions are strange because there is so fast the newspaper, though, McInerny responded with the impact the paper has had on cam a tum-over," he says. He hopes the current angrily. He stresses that he has never been pus over the past year, and they are optimis editorial board can give the paper "enough questioned about providing office space to tic about the future. "We would like to of a structure and an identity that people can the staff and says he would "find it very odd continue what we're doing and do it better," ..... inherit it without feeling they have to rein that anyone would raise the question." Moloney says. "The quality of writing is vent it." But he thinks that Right Reason's And while neither Lenz nor Cassidy were very good .... and the quality of thought is "primary identity will always have some aware that Right Reason is laid out and very good at Right Reason, but I see us thing to do with standing up for Notre Dame Teacher course evaluations are produced in McInerny's office, they both having a more educational role [in the fu- and its orthodoxy." 0 intended to improve teaching, but it is unclear how much Getting by with a Little Help weight students and teachers give them

8 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12,1996 9

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~~ " ,. ." . -----',------~-.~~.---- . II enior Laura Eidietis enrolled in the pro upper an and Wisconsin border gram primarily because of the smaller studying the eating habits of aquatic in classes. "I knew' that meant I would get sects. more individual attention," she says. Since enrollment in the Honors Program 11T' t The honors students also like being chal is small compared to the entire student lenged intellectually. "I knew that the Hon popUlation, honors students tend to have "It took me a long ors Program was harder and more demand classes with the same people. "I like know ··.·Vvltn ing, and that it would force me to do more ing a lot of people, and since we have such time to decide work than if I was in the easier courses," small classes with the same students, the remarks senior Matt Mendlik. [number of] people we get to meet is very whether1 wanted Of course, honors students face more limited," Grant says. to be in the demanding academic expectations than the While the program does promote a unique average Notre Dame student. "Most of the camaraderie, the students do not associate program because courses they have in the program are highly only amongst themselves. "We are all close Honors intensive seminars, as opposed to the gen friends because the classes are so small, but of the extra work, erallecture courses," Delaney says. "The I'm not just friends with honors students," main difficulty is that the students are doing says Eidietis. but I really liked this throughout the whole spectrum of dis Sophomore Arthur Cunningham feels the ciplines, not just the one they are interested same way. "I know all the students in the the idea of getting in." program well, but I have close friends that illtoall of the The Notre During the freshman year, honors stu are not in the program," he says. "I do like, dents have a structured, fairly rigorous 1;10wever, to sit down and talk and have classes I wanted to DameHonors··· .... courseload. They take a year-long writing discussions with other Honors students." STUDYING HAR.D OR HARDLY STUDYING? Junior Bridey Grant plows through another seminar and are also required to take courses Although the Honors Program does offer . take/' ....,...... '. chapter of PhysIcs. Honors students have a more difficult courseload than most in science, philosophy and a social science. numerous benefits, it also has its draw Program students. Science majors are required to take extra backs. Students are occasionally frustrated ~Bridey Grant science courses and enroll in Calculus 165/ with the workload as well. "I sometimes . provides' feel that I am doing a lot more work than I The Honors Program promises their stu 166, while Arts and Letters students enroll BY LOUBEL L. CRUZ should be required to do," Cunningham dents smaller classes, a more intellectual in a yearlong foreign language course and '. asrnallgroup' onors Program participants are typi clas.sroom environment and the best profes- Calculus 195/196. The math, philosophy says .. But the students enrolled in the program H cal students. They have snowball . sors at the university. Another perk is that and seminar courses consist of all honors don't seem to mind the workload too much. and leaf fights and weekly study honors students have priority getting into students. These classes are more writing ofstud¢nts' According to Delaney, most students stay groups to'understand chemistry. They also classes. Basically, they can enroll in any intensive than regular classes. Some honors in the program all four years - the reten fear finals and scramble for SYR dates. Yet course they need for their major or want to philosophy, classes, for instance, require a "withsome' they are designated as the "best and gifted" take. lO-page paper every week. tion rate is over 90 percent. The reasons the students stay enrolled are of Notre Dame. Qualified students are invited by Kevin The numerous courses required for fresh varied. Many honors stu Among the already intelligent student Rooney, director of Admissions, to apply to man honors students makes that year par unique dents admit that they like body here at Notre Dame, there lies an elite the Honors Pro gram during their senior year ticularly challenging. "Freshman year is the Honors seal that is group of scholars. This small group con of high school after they are admitted to the definitely the hardest, somewhat like a prov ppportufJii{es ... placed on their tran sists of only about two percent of the stu university. "Rooney selects ... those [stu ing ground," Mendlik says. "You have to scripts, but they also ap dent population, about 80 people in both dents] he thinks would benefit the most take harder chemistry and biology classes, preciate the self-satisfac lifthe" the College of Arts and Letters and the from doing work in both the College of and I probably wrote 100 pages total for my tion that comes from College of Science. This exclusive group is Science and the College of Arts and Letters, philosophy class." their participation in the the Honors Program, where the students are and those students are the ones that are After their freshmap. year, students begin classroom." program. "I learn more given a more challenging workload and a invited into the program," Delaney says. work in their maj ors and take regularclasses, from the people I'm with more rigorous course design. , Students accepted into the program have although theirco.).lfSes are mostly upper than the classes, and both The Notre Dame Honors Program was expressed an interest in doing work in both level. For instance, their second philoso are incredibly enlighten founded in 1983 by the deans of the College colleges and have demonstrated that they phy course must be a 300 or 400 level ing," freshman Kristen of Arts and Letters and the College of . are qualified to do both. course. The remaining academic require Bogner says. Science. The program was intended to make In spite of the extra work, students find ments include an honors senior seminar, Cunningham thinks the intellectual resources of both the col the benefits of the program make it worth and honors students must complete a senior honors students get more leges available to students who have the while. "It took me a long time to decide thesis or research project in their last year, out of their classes be desire and background to profit from their whether I wanted to be in the program since some majors don't require one. The cause they are so chal resources. "The Honors Program is focused because of the extra work," junior Bridey students usually begin this project during lenging. "It is hard work, right at the intersection of both colleges," Grant says. "But I really"liked the idea of the first semester oftheir junior year. but if you don't appre says Professor Cornelius Delaney, director getting into all the classes I wanted to take. Eidietis likes this aspect of the program. ciate the gratification, of the Honors Program. "It's an attempt to I knew that I would be able to fit all my "It's a good idea for a science major to do a PrllfAl.~nr!':. Cornelius' Delaney and 'David Lodge you shouldn't be in it," get very gifted students who are capable of classes into my schedule without any prob research project, and the Honors Program Programpicriic; The small size of the program amongitscstudents •. doing advanced work in both." lem." allows you to do this," she says. A biology he says. Eidietis last summer at the

.j S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 ! II enior Laura Eidietis enrolled in the pro upper an and Wisconsin border gram primarily because of the smaller studying the eating habits of aquatic in classes. "I knew' that meant I would get sects. more individual attention," she says. Since enrollment in the Honors Program 11T' t The honors students also like being chal is small compared to the entire student lenged intellectually. "I knew that the Hon popUlation, honors students tend to have "It took me a long ors Program was harder and more demand classes with the same people. "I like know ··.·Vvltn ing, and that it would force me to do more ing a lot of people, and since we have such time to decide work than if I was in the easier courses," small classes with the same students, the remarks senior Matt Mendlik. [number of] people we get to meet is very whether1 wanted Of course, honors students face more limited," Grant says. to be in the demanding academic expectations than the While the program does promote a unique average Notre Dame student. "Most of the camaraderie, the students do not associate program because courses they have in the program are highly only amongst themselves. "We are all close Honors intensive seminars, as opposed to the gen friends because the classes are so small, but of the extra work, erallecture courses," Delaney says. "The I'm not just friends with honors students," main difficulty is that the students are doing says Eidietis. but I really liked this throughout the whole spectrum of dis Sophomore Arthur Cunningham feels the ciplines, not just the one they are interested same way. "I know all the students in the the idea of getting in." program well, but I have close friends that illtoall of the The Notre During the freshman year, honors stu are not in the program," he says. "I do like, dents have a structured, fairly rigorous 1;10wever, to sit down and talk and have classes I wanted to DameHonors··· .... courseload. They take a year-long writing discussions with other Honors students." STUDYING HAR.D OR HARDLY STUDYING? Junior Bridey Grant plows through another seminar and are also required to take courses Although the Honors Program does offer . take/' ....,...... '. chapter of PhysIcs. Honors students have a more difficult courseload than most in science, philosophy and a social science. numerous benefits, it also has its draw Program students. Science majors are required to take extra backs. Students are occasionally frustrated ~Bridey Grant science courses and enroll in Calculus 165/ with the workload as well. "I sometimes . provides' feel that I am doing a lot more work than I The Honors Program promises their stu 166, while Arts and Letters students enroll BY LOUBEL L. CRUZ should be required to do," Cunningham dents smaller classes, a more intellectual in a yearlong foreign language course and '. asrnallgroup' onors Program participants are typi clas.sroom environment and the best profes- Calculus 195/196. The math, philosophy says .. But the students enrolled in the program H cal students. They have snowball . sors at the university. Another perk is that and seminar courses consist of all honors don't seem to mind the workload too much. and leaf fights and weekly study honors students have priority getting into students. These classes are more writing ofstud¢nts' According to Delaney, most students stay groups to'understand chemistry. They also classes. Basically, they can enroll in any intensive than regular classes. Some honors in the program all four years - the reten fear finals and scramble for SYR dates. Yet course they need for their major or want to philosophy, classes, for instance, require a "withsome' they are designated as the "best and gifted" take. lO-page paper every week. tion rate is over 90 percent. The reasons the students stay enrolled are of Notre Dame. Qualified students are invited by Kevin The numerous courses required for fresh varied. Many honors stu Among the already intelligent student Rooney, director of Admissions, to apply to man honors students makes that year par unique dents admit that they like body here at Notre Dame, there lies an elite the Honors Pro gram during their senior year ticularly challenging. "Freshman year is the Honors seal that is group of scholars. This small group con of high school after they are admitted to the definitely the hardest, somewhat like a prov ppportufJii{es ... placed on their tran sists of only about two percent of the stu university. "Rooney selects ... those [stu ing ground," Mendlik says. "You have to scripts, but they also ap dent population, about 80 people in both dents] he thinks would benefit the most take harder chemistry and biology classes, preciate the self-satisfac lifthe" the College of Arts and Letters and the from doing work in both the College of and I probably wrote 100 pages total for my tion that comes from College of Science. This exclusive group is Science and the College of Arts and Letters, philosophy class." their participation in the the Honors Program, where the students are and those students are the ones that are After their freshmap. year, students begin classroom." program. "I learn more given a more challenging workload and a invited into the program," Delaney says. work in their maj ors and take regularclasses, from the people I'm with more rigorous course design. , Students accepted into the program have although theirco.).lfSes are mostly upper than the classes, and both The Notre Dame Honors Program was expressed an interest in doing work in both level. For instance, their second philoso are incredibly enlighten founded in 1983 by the deans of the College colleges and have demonstrated that they phy course must be a 300 or 400 level ing," freshman Kristen of Arts and Letters and the College of . are qualified to do both. course. The remaining academic require Bogner says. Science. The program was intended to make In spite of the extra work, students find ments include an honors senior seminar, Cunningham thinks the intellectual resources of both the col the benefits of the program make it worth and honors students must complete a senior honors students get more leges available to students who have the while. "It took me a long time to decide thesis or research project in their last year, out of their classes be desire and background to profit from their whether I wanted to be in the program since some majors don't require one. The cause they are so chal resources. "The Honors Program is focused because of the extra work," junior Bridey students usually begin this project during lenging. "It is hard work, right at the intersection of both colleges," Grant says. "But I really"liked the idea of the first semester oftheir junior year. but if you don't appre says Professor Cornelius Delaney, director getting into all the classes I wanted to take. Eidietis likes this aspect of the program. ciate the gratification, of the Honors Program. "It's an attempt to I knew that I would be able to fit all my "It's a good idea for a science major to do a PrllfAl.~nr!':. Cornelius' Delaney and 'David Lodge you shouldn't be in it," get very gifted students who are capable of classes into my schedule without any prob research project, and the Honors Program Programpicriic; The small size of the program amongitscstudents •. doing advanced work in both." lem." allows you to do this," she says. A biology he says. Eidietis last summer at the

.j S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 ! ow

feeling around for something. I don't know what she was doing." He did notice that the doctors and nurses alike were very protective of the dining hall. They defended North Dining Hall, commenting that "the entire South Bend area is having serious flu problems," -Cales even though it was only the middle of September. Hughes was not convinced. Fifth-year student Armando Sobalvarro didn't have a choice about turning to the infirmary. After severely cutting his arm last TO FIT ANY winter, he ran across campus at 3 a.m. seeking help. "It wasn't a big deal; I was very calm," he explains. "But it was freezing cold outside, and I had run all the way over there." Thinking he had broken into a cold sweat because of his cut, the nurses began to treat him for shock, making him lie down and ripping offhis watch. SIZE "They didn't believe me when I told them I wasn't in shock. It was a little bit much; it was like an episode of ER," he says. One particularly bitter ex-infirmary patient, who wishes to remain anonymous, was feeling under the weather for a couple of weeks. She turned to health services and underwent a series of APPETITE tests. She" was told to wait for the results, but they never came. "I finally called them myself. It turns out they had been holding my results for weeks," she says. "When I asked to speak to my doctor Students recount horror stories from the infirmary, I found out he was on vacation for the next two'weeks, and I still from misdiagnoses to creative medical advice

Matthew Joss recalls a horror story from his Sophomore Rosemary Sage, another in BY ALLISON FASHEK freshman year. "It was right after the Purdue firmary survivor, caught a cold last year on t's starting again. There's a tickle weekend---,. I had a sore throat, bloodshot a flight back from spring break. "The doc- in the back of your throat, your eyes, the works," he says. The doctor at the . tors told me I had fluid trapped in my ears, I head is aching and your infirmary wrote a prescription, telling him and basically I was deaf," she explains. "I temparature is see-sawing faster than the he probably had strep throat, even after Joss had been skiing over break and had a bad thermostat in DeBartolo. All you want to do repeatedly asked for a mono test. "The bum on my nose. The nurse was more wor is curl up in bed and hide under the covers nurse told me, 'No, it's not mono. '" Sure ried about the bum than my cold." Along while Mom makes chicken soup. Yes, once enough, when he went home for fall break with some penicillin, the doctors recom again the flu season is here. It doesn't matter he was diagnosed with mono, and missed mended she chew a lot of gum and yawn to how many shots students roll up their sleeves the majority of his November classes re- pop her ears. ' for, the flu will hit hundreds of After emptying several innocent Notre Dame s'tudents boxes of Trident, she went in the coming months. Since back for more help. "It had most students don't have the ••• AND been a while and I was still option of retreating homeward "They're just not as good as Mom." deaf, so they prescribed a to recover, they tum to the next -Matthew Joss stronger medicine," she says. best thing: the infirmary. Sage had never heard of this OK, it's probably more truth new drug, but she didn't really ful to say that most flu victims BUDGET pay "attention to what the doc \ would rather chew offtheir own tor was saying until he sud- wasn't feeling betier." The whole experience left her uncured arms than make the fateful journey to the covering. denly added, "And by the way, that's a and unhappy, and she vowed not to return again. infirmary. This sentiment is not surprising, Later that same year, Joss sprained his steroid." She had to return, however, when her roommate sprained a considering the number of scary stories from ankle during a Bookstore Basketball game Sophomore Kevin Hughes has been to the finger during a Midnight Olympics game of broomball, though. infirmary victims. Sophomore Brian Torncik and went to the infirmary for a set of infirmary twice this year. "I think it was the She recalls with horror hoW a nurse began asking about the nature dreaded visiting the infirmary so much that crutches. "At first they didn't believe me, dining hall food - I ate the pizza both of the problem. "[The nurse] started flipping through this huge he waited over a month before he finally that I could barely walk and needed help," times," he says. Each time he visited the book, 106king for the section on fingers and how to treat sprains," 54'533 Terrace Lane admitted that he needed to visit it "I thought he says. "My ankle was so swollen, it was infirmary, he started out with a stomach she says. The nurse finally asked whether she wanted to go to the I could shake it," he says, but in the end there huge." Once he convinced the nurse that he, ache that grew progressively worse, and as emergency room; or take a couple of Tylenol. It wasn't a difficult 277-7744 was no other choice, and he "gave up the had a legitimate medical complaint, he a last resort turned to the infirmary. "The decision. Her roommate took the pills and ran. fight.;' ' waited a half an hour and was charged $30 first time I went, I told the nurse I had an A few good infirmary horror stories are probably the best cure 52577 US Route 31 Everyone seems to have a personal tale for the crutches. "They're just not as good upset stomach, but 'she didn't listen," he for cold and flu sufferers this season. Perhaps students will be from the crypt of health services. Senior as Mom," he says. says. "One nurse was rubbing my stomach, scared into staying healthy. 0 277-1024

12 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 13 ow

12 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 13 ~"':"" ' -. . . '".,', . .:

REASON NUMBER 6666 THE GIPP For anyone who has never experienced a Northern winter, Scholastic has LOVES NOTRE DAME: Professor Ralph McInerny, addressing his Thought the answers to all of your questions about snow gipper.1 @nd.edu of Aquinas class last fall, referred to certain things everyone knows are defi nitely wrong, such as "murder, homo sexuality and premarital sex." Well, the Gipp will see you all in hell. The remain Let It Snow, ing five students can build Augustine'S City of God here on campus.

Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo

reetings, Gipp lovers! The Gipp ing it. They were involved in two fights in years ago. The administration hasn't been Ghas been on his best behavior lately, two days last week, defending their version so hard on alumni, though. Members of the hoping to fool Santa into believing of justice. On Thursday, after being ejected Sorin Society can still smoke in the Univer he's a well-mannered young man year from Club 23 for fighting, they went to their sity Club. A representative of the Sorin round. It's been a particularly difficult act, new enemy's house to settle the score. When Society said they wanted to take the smok though, considering the Gipp is starting his they found the front door locked, one of the ing policy "one step at a time." winter withdrawal. In fact, he was feeling so crew smashed the glass in the front door and The Gipp wonders why he wasn't treated Use cardboard as a support, or just try to Superman's Fortress of Solitude where you lonely the other day, he considered calling invited himself in. Too bad they couldn't to the same "baby-steps" as the alumni. BY CHRISTIAN DALLAVIS pack the snow real tight. You should have recently lost your super powers because you one of the numbers written on the wall of the break up the USC defense as easily. Does it have anything to do with the fact that t's cold out there, campers, so bundle just enough time to crawl inside before it were in love with a woman. stalls in the library basement bathroom. On Friday, a couple of friends of two he doesn't donate more than $2,000 a year Iup. For the first time in at least four collapses on your head. When I was younger, football players were involved in an argu to the university? Shame on you, Gipp, for years, we've had some serious snowfall I used to like to stay in my forts for hours and SHADES OF MEANING ment outside CJ's and paid the price in such thoughts during the Yuletide season! before Thanksgiving. For many freshmen I often used them to store Twinkies. After * Snow gratitti Holiday depression aside, the Gipp was blood. The football players picked up the who are spending their first year north of the you've built your fort, you should move' Nothing is more manly than staking out amused by a sign in SDH noticed by an alert slack, however, and reacquainted the ag RIGHT MAKES RULES Mason-Dixon line, all this snow is pretty right on to ... your territory by writing your name in the apprentice Gipp. The sign reads, "All Gods' gressors with the asphalt. Apparently, no one in the Dome has given strange. So I have taken it upon myself to snow. It's as easy as unzipping your pants. Children." The theological implications of Morals: Football players are big, natu any thought to Right Reason's role on cam provide you with this E-Z Guide to Snow Just don't eat your name when you're done. that misplaced apostrophe are astounding. rally or not, and they can pretty much do pus, including their funding from national I , I Snowballs i! and Winter in South Bend. * Should the theology department start screen whatever they want. Depending on who you right-wing foundations. They distribute on Snowballs are easy, fun and illegal. Just ing food service workers? That's a lot to are, this can either work to your advantage, campus, use university resources and shield pack a little snow into a ball and chuck it at * Snow angels ask, considering they apparently don't have orput you in the infirmary. Ifyou knock into their bigotry behind "satire" without com Not really fun unless you're about five years * Snow your friend's face. A variation on this is to control over hiring their own professors. a football player on the dance floor, get plication. The Gipp knows of some homo old. Lie down in the snow and flail your Snow is white and cold and a bit wet if you wrestle your friend to the ground and push ready to throw down. If you're friends with sexual students who want to start their own hold onto it for too long. It comes f~om the arms and legs about until you're tired, then his face in the snow, or stuff snow down his VIGILANTE ATHLETES one of them, you don't have to listen to newspaper, and they even have a national sky and piles up on the streets and has many get up and ruin your angel by stepping on or her coat. Speaking of control, it seems that some anyone insult you. Must be nice. foundation to fund it. Wonder if they'll get fun and exciting uses. the imprint. football players have had some trouble keep- the green light? Sorry, kids, but only right Snowball tights THIS WAY TO THE wingers pass Go in Irishopoly. * Top 10 Most Popular Christmas MAGIC KINGDOM * Snowmen Again, illegal. But oh so fun. Here's how * Sledding Gift Requests at ND Or women. Don't be afraid to create a whole Forget any illusions you have about going How about those mass-produced signs That's it for now, children of the Dome. to start one: Get your whole dorm out on the 10. Bulletproofvest (ND Ave. snow menagerie if you want. Just start with sledding on campus. The only hill is behind that sprang up all over campus recently When the Gipp returns next semester, he'll quad and have everyone make a snowball. ApartmentSlesidents only) a snowballand roll it around until you have Lewis and it's too short to be any fun. The identifying all the buildings and landmarks? have some cash in his pocket and a spring in Go straight to Zahm with a few buckets of 9. All-access detex a big snow boulder that you can't lift and is closest you can get is Kegg-und-Schleiden, They're just one more sign that the school is his step - until he arrives back in the land water, dip your balls in the water to harden 8. Brass' knuckle~ (linemen only) covered with mud. Then make two or three \Vhich involves getting a keg at your apart on its way to becoming a convention center. of the sacred tundra and drops $300 on his them, then join the rest of the campus in 7. Allegro schedule more and stack them up. Finish off your ment and riding it down a hill. It's even This isn't called the Catholic Disney World books. throwing snowballs at the people in front of 6. Decent haircut at University creation by sticking a stick in its face along more fun naked. for nothing. Plans are underway to build a But that's better than the pepper spray Zahm. Watch out for the security officers Hairstylists with a few rocks for eyes. monorail from Football Fantasyland to the greeting the enthusiastic students received with the video cameras - wear a ski mask 5. Lunch at SDH'inunder an hour So for those of you from California or I ' ' , , Magic Grotto. By the way, who has the , when they rushed the field after the Rutgers to avoid future Student Affairs hearings. 4. Bike stolen from Flanner Florida or Texas or wherever, you will see decoder rings for the JACC sign? game. Someone should tell the ushers that 3. Pro~ise from RonPowlus to * Snow Forts plenty of snow, and you'll wholeheartedly it's not a security risk when the students graduate this, spring Recreate the battle scene on the frozen ice * Eating snow regret not going to your state school. But A CLEAN, WELL-LIGHTED PLACE rush the field after Holtz's last home game. 2. Anything from Campus View planet Hoth on North Quad with your very Snow is low in fat and calories and every don't worry, because now you will know TO HAVE A CIGARETTE If Christmas starts to drag, remember that (area thieves only) own snow bunker. Forts were always my thing else. In fact, it's just cold water. There's how to get the most out of your snow and Smokers on campus have been irritated only some of us can get those endorphin !. Funny student comic strip in favorite. Just make walls out of snow as tall no good reason to eat it, unless you just got ice. Just try not to hurt each other, unless of ever since the campus-wide ban on cigarette highs naturally - the rest of us need help. 0 The Observer as you can, then try to make a roof over it. beat up in a cafe while walking home from course one of you is from Zahm. 0 smoking and sales was instituted a few

14 S C H 0 LAS T I CM A G A Z I N E • DEC E 'M B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 15 ~"':"" ' -. . . '".,', . .:

Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo

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and an artificial one with hat would Christmas be without on this CD because it is painful to listen to Song." Not your Wa cozy fire in the fireplace? And any of the tracks for more than 3.0 seconds. Just the word Dementia, synonyms of shot glass ornaments just what better way to start it than Dementia. includes modified traditional which include madness, craziness, insanity, by burning Dr. Demento, Holidays In De Christmas songs ("The Twelve Pains of senility and mania, should give you a clue as doesn't seem to be the same, traditional mentia? Just a few words aboutthis CD: It's Christmas") and a few new songs that won't to the CD's quality. Most songs use a terrible. Actually, that might be too kind. become classics anytime soon ("It's So Chic synthesizer and have a back drum beat, so afriend suggested I listen to Christmas In the words of one of my roommates, "This to be Pregnant on Christmas"). Looking at please don't buy the CD for the music. is the worst *&("#@?! CD I've ever heard." the titles of the songs, one might think the Actually, don't buy the CD for any reason. collection No word that is publishable can really de CD has potential, but don't be fooled. "Ha If you're looking for humor this Christmas, some Christmas mUSlC. scribe this *&("#@?! CD. nukkah Rocks" and "Hanukkah Homeboy" try giving Uncle Bob eggnog spiked with The CD is merely an attempt arhumor. don't hold a candle, let alone nine candles, Everclear. Therefore, on a quest to get The Surgeon General should put a warning to Adam Sandler's famous "Hanukkah into the holiday spirit,! went ... After I left the room with Dementia playing, I was to the Bookstore's Christ- t is hard to imagine Bush, The Presi cent experience she had with Santa in this Merry- Christmas relieved to find a pyromaniac taking a torch to the CD. I I dents of the United States. of America, accelerated tune. Apparently she wanted mas music bin and pur Sponge, Wool, and LusclOus Jack~on toys so badly that she, well, you know ... did decided to put in something more classic to renew my singing Christmas carols, but on Come All it with Santa. She never explicitly states Ye Faithful: Rockfor Choice these g~oups this, though, and does "hate to admit it but 1 holiday spirit ... chased six Christmas al come together to make a hard-edged; vigor he was the best I'd ever had." Unfortu ous album. Like most multi-artist albums nately, things did not go too well after that 1 bums. Some had traditional today, the CD has a political goal as well. It as she says, "He's a pervert you can tell it in erry Christmas!" Sounds mas are so appropriate for the post-church includes a letter to send to the Speaker of the ''at harmless, doesn't it? Perhaps drive. When Crosby sings, he personifies his eyes ... he only does it for the joy oflittle carols, some had blues, and House encouraging investigation "into all kids bouncing off his thighs." that's the reason I next put in the Christmas spirit. I don't know what kind violent anti-abortion groups." Even though some tracks of the CD sound Meny Christmas by Bing Crosby. Every of guy Bing really is, but on the album he some were simply ungodly,. This is definitely not your traditional like they were thrown together in an hour or year, after my family goes to 9 p.m. Christ sounds sincere, almost fatherly. Christmas collection. Don't expect to hear so, it contributes positively. to the CD's .... Grosby: .... mas Eve service, we drive around looking at The album was first recorded on record in anyone singing "We Three Kings" or even overalllaid-backfeel. Once you getpastthe Christmas lights. On Christmas Eve all the 1961 and the CD still has. that kind of but all the albums at least "Jingle Bells." If you do, you will be shocked first track by Henry Rollins, the CD opens Christmas radio stations have their Christmas random scratchy, imperfect sound quality that gives when you hear the second track, "I Did it For up and takes hold of many emotions and izers playing and we al ways hear traditional Meny Christmas its solemn character. If mentioned Christmas ;.. the Toys." The lead singer for Dance Hall attitudes associated with a "Generation X" personified songs featuring Crosby. I think there is a you're in the right mood, "Adeste Fideles" Crashers, Elyse Rodgers, tells about are- kind'ofChristmas - joy, confusion, stupid- reason why the songs from Meny Christ- and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" over-

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ity, sex with Santa and the search for peace. sing "Good King Somethingorother." Bush CDs out there, combining a variety of styles I don't really know what to say about mixes together traditional lyrics with some with very few weak points. John Lennon Rollins's contribution to the album; you new lines ("a Frenchman carrying nuclear might be turning over in his grave as Cranes would just have to hear him for yourself as fusion"), a kind of echo-like guitar, and butchers his classic "Happy Xmas (War Is he reads '''Twas The Night Before Christ music that at times resembles Jimi Hendrix's Over)," but I think he and the rest of the mas" in a cryptic voice with helicopters and "Hey Joe" and The Ramones's "Blitzkrieg Beatles would bypass this track and listen to ery gunfire in the background. Bop." the album anyway. The CD is worth buying just to hear Bush This is one of the best new compilation l\·~.. ·.~ 1 1 ,. \t... . ! . .. Rock for Choice put me "The in a pretty good mood, but worst Christmas nothing could have prepared CD I've me for· the next CD that I by Zac Kulsrud ever opened ... Since we are not allowed to heard." have a real tree in our dorm, and an artificial one with hat would Christmas be without on this CD because it is painful to listen to Song." Not your Wa cozy fire in the fireplace? And any of the tracks for more than 3.0 seconds. Just the word Dementia, synonyms of shot glass ornaments just what better way to start it than Dementia. includes modified traditional which include madness, craziness, insanity, by burning Dr. Demento, Holidays In De Christmas songs ("The Twelve Pains of senility and mania, should give you a clue as doesn't seem to be the same, traditional mentia? Just a few words aboutthis CD: It's Christmas") and a few new songs that won't to the CD's quality. Most songs use a terrible. Actually, that might be too kind. become classics anytime soon ("It's So Chic synthesizer and have a back drum beat, so afriend suggested I listen to Christmas In the words of one of my roommates, "This to be Pregnant on Christmas"). Looking at please don't buy the CD for the music. is the worst *&("#@?! CD I've ever heard." the titles of the songs, one might think the Actually, don't buy the CD for any reason. collection No word that is publishable can really de CD has potential, but don't be fooled. "Ha If you're looking for humor this Christmas, some Christmas mUSlC. scribe this *&("#@?! CD. nukkah Rocks" and "Hanukkah Homeboy" try giving Uncle Bob eggnog spiked with The CD is merely an attempt arhumor. don't hold a candle, let alone nine candles, Everclear. Therefore, on a quest to get The Surgeon General should put a warning to Adam Sandler's famous "Hanukkah into the holiday spirit,! went ... After I left the room with Dementia playing, I was to the Bookstore's Christ- t is hard to imagine Bush, The Presi cent experience she had with Santa in this Merry- Christmas relieved to find a pyromaniac taking a torch to the CD. I I dents of the United States. of America, accelerated tune. Apparently she wanted mas music bin and pur Sponge, Wool, and LusclOus Jack~on toys so badly that she, well, you know ... did decided to put in something more classic to renew my singing Christmas carols, but on Come All it with Santa. She never explicitly states Ye Faithful: Rockfor Choice these g~oups this, though, and does "hate to admit it but 1 holiday spirit ... chased six Christmas al come together to make a hard-edged; vigor he was the best I'd ever had." Unfortu ous album. Like most multi-artist albums nately, things did not go too well after that 1 bums. Some had traditional today, the CD has a political goal as well. It as she says, "He's a pervert you can tell it in erry Christmas!" Sounds mas are so appropriate for the post-church includes a letter to send to the Speaker of the ''at harmless, doesn't it? Perhaps drive. When Crosby sings, he personifies his eyes ... he only does it for the joy oflittle carols, some had blues, and House encouraging investigation "into all kids bouncing off his thighs." that's the reason I next put in the Christmas spirit. I don't know what kind violent anti-abortion groups." Even though some tracks of the CD sound Meny Christmas by Bing Crosby. Every of guy Bing really is, but on the album he some were simply ungodly,. This is definitely not your traditional like they were thrown together in an hour or year, after my family goes to 9 p.m. Christ sounds sincere, almost fatherly. Christmas collection. Don't expect to hear so, it contributes positively. to the CD's .... Grosby: .... mas Eve service, we drive around looking at The album was first recorded on record in anyone singing "We Three Kings" or even overalllaid-backfeel. Once you getpastthe Christmas lights. On Christmas Eve all the 1961 and the CD still has. that kind of but all the albums at least "Jingle Bells." If you do, you will be shocked first track by Henry Rollins, the CD opens Christmas radio stations have their Christmas random scratchy, imperfect sound quality that gives when you hear the second track, "I Did it For up and takes hold of many emotions and izers playing and we al ways hear traditional Meny Christmas its solemn character. If mentioned Christmas ;.. the Toys." The lead singer for Dance Hall attitudes associated with a "Generation X" personified songs featuring Crosby. I think there is a you're in the right mood, "Adeste Fideles" Crashers, Elyse Rodgers, tells about are- kind'ofChristmas - joy, confusion, stupid- reason why the songs from Meny Christ- and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" over-

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: ~ ~.; .. ;;~'-:•. "':',;\.~,.;.~ " " . . , , S', ince my childhood, I have always been. a Muppets fanatic. I have nearly e~ery word of song, the true ~pirit~ftheMuppet1! shows through, espe~~~ll,YJr'~~t Mist,Piggy belts out verse five, "Five Golden Rings." Her ad-lib The Great Muppet Caper memorIzed, and dozens of Muppet pIctures and, "budubum" shpped III after her verse makes an unforgett~l:>l\f,~a,~9*9Ptp the song. "': __" posters adorn my dorm room wall. The one piece of Muppet memorabilia I had never . After listening to the first song;-one¢xp~ctsthe rest of the'aibumt6.lJe·a:;delightful mixtuf~ of MuIJpe.t humor and Christmas spirit. This been able to get my hands on, though, was John Denver and the Muppets' 1979 album, A notion is quickly dispelled w:heri.Jhe;s~tQnd,s0ng begins:'TWs song,~4iiet~fRowlf theI?og anct]ohlr:Denver singing "Have yourself :",-""" : 0" , ..,,,'t,.':.'.'_ "<"', ._~".' :- .. : ...... ~ .... ~"-. . :_. " '- Christmas Together. Last Wednesday, this album, which I have been anticipating my entire life, a Merry Little Christmas" is somewhat pleaslngib the ear;1J:tit:h%ake,s w~fchirig paint dry seem exCi~iiig.Rowlf' s normal hilarious slip- was re-released on Laserlight CD. I was so elated that I had my editor take me to Circuit City as ups in words,. like the. u?forg~ft~~le}ra~"sB.§'~Jfto:n~~Y~r~1te;'\~1,':(l~~~~1:~i~lh~~1(uPPf:t M6~[e~'~e n~t pre~~nt. Rowlf's flawless singing soon as it opened just to be the first to get the CD. I was a little surprised that there was no line may sound mce, but It Isn'~ 'fl}at!pa~.<;:ome·to be ~xpec,~eclof.th~::Muppyts:;,:~i." i<..·, .. ">., outside the door, but my elation soared when I realized that it only cost $4.99. Who would be Unfortunately, the albunlMntliiues"i6 go do~llhbl fioroh~r~~;bfther~mainfug:son'M;,m:cist are ju.st John Denver songs with a chorus " '.' '.'~;'>~'~ '. .' ·~'-:-")r."'-',-; t .. "! ' ••.• ~' ';,,: .. -:;'~>:~.: _.' .. ,.;::-.~ . . Unfortunately, John Denver, the human companion to the Muppets in this album, seems to B~: two rare jewels are ad~ett':rritq.'~h~::!t.i~m~~.-~f?~~~I?~~yei::soloS~.~h~~¥~ppe~~i;Wg,a,vf!s~?Il·6f "Christ.mas is ~?min~" an~ the overpower the spirit associated with the Muppets. Although the Muppets" fabulous sense of tradltIonal banter between PIggy and'o:ollZQ, mlilC,e~ .Ira'dehgqtful,song./Mso, "We\yIsh;YQU iYMerry Chrlstmas, . III WhIch PIggy '\,(.' ~~'. ~~.~, ".: ..:",.,"~.~ i~ . .... '.' ,~,.. ;.' <' "'_'-'<"':!-'~,,", .. ,< .. , "."" '.', _.,.~- Muppets humor shines through in certain parts of the album, the remainder of the album is merely the dry, becomes upset because she believes Christ~:~s~pucl.ding\i~;N~1,~jw~th b/~9ot,i~;i~:a;W?~1}}y:a~d~ti9~'to any collection. Unfortunately, these dull music of h~s-been country singer John Denver with the Muppets singing backup, allowing two songs and "The Twelve Days of ChrisfPfas? ~Mn9k§~';1'·~tGI,1,~~~,cf·in,ciivi~~~ly!t'r ,;:;~.?"; :.J Overshadowed very little of their individual personalities to shine through. This album may be appealing: partic,ulars;~:~!!~}~~~~i,S~i;.p'%,~?h'f'(b,~J?B!~g;J.~;t~Me(~~y"a yehicle for Jo?n De?ver's careeL It .is Despite its hlckluster overall performance, the album begins with a promising start: a Muppet unfortunate that the good reputatIOn of thei¥1,1.pp,ets had19:~~stepp~,~9IJ,-~Y..J?el}vl(r~Jf.heh;;t~ shared the spothght WIth the Muppets III by Has-Been rendition of the classic Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas." With one Muppet more than just the three noted tracks, this Chiisfm~s relea~~\~ibuldbe~~w'qfiIf"~ClCiin'gto any cbllection. - taking each of the 12 verses, this song will surely delight even the greatest of Scrooges. In this . .... ".~. j~\~ ~ xX .;-.' - by Brian Christ

whelm your soul with more than just the seven when Crosby sings a kind of cheesy, able to endure Crosby for all 12 tracks, but synthesized tracks do, should have no place However, the effluence of chimes and bells Phantom, it's just that when I listen to Fresh Christmas spirit. Now, I'm not saying the jazzy version of "Jingle Bells." The rest of listen to Merry Christmas if you get the in your CD collection. Fortunately, not all and whistles and drum beats and horns in Aire I feel like I'm drinking trendy flavored album changed my life or anything, but the CD is more upbeat - well, about as chance - even if it's while looking at the the tracks are digitized. "Veni Veni (0 "Carol of the Bells," the next track, reminds coffee and having a meaningless conversa Merry Christmas is a classic worth hearing. upbeat as "It's Beginning To Look a Lot tacky Christmas lights on North Quad. Come, 0 Come Emmanuel)" is a calm yet me more of The Phantom of the Opera tion in a phony coffee shop. For best results The album takes a different tone on track Like Christmas" can get. You might not be passionate chant. "Greensleeves" has a few "Overture" than silver bells. this holiday season, don't give this album to artificial parts, but overall is a good piece. Granted, there is nothing wrong with anyone you really care about.

... Bing Crosby recorded This'album ... Once again I turned to Merry Christmas 17 years is like Christmas music that I could , i before I was born, so I This : eating count on, without all the decided to listen to some- album homemade • bells andwhistlesandbells . I i thing a little more contem IS aD cookies The next CD I found turned porary. But instead oflis essenlial. and skim out to be essential to any tening to someone I 'could milk. holiday collection ... relate to, I ended up hear hat do you get when you com back because only three of the songs are f you want an album that everyone will on Billboard's Top 100 and remains a favor Billboard's Greatest Christmas Hits. Of ing music that at times re bine synthesized music with worth listening to. The album is more than I enjoy, from Aunt Sally to your room ite of all ages, even us crazy college kids. course, Christmas wouldn't be complete 12th century French chants? contemporary; it's almost artificial. Listen mate, try Billboard's Greatest Christ The album also contains some more tradi without Elvis. The King sings "Blue Christ Aw Fresh Aire Christmas by C.hip Davis ing to Fresh Aire after Merry Christmas is tional carols that seem to be played every mas" with aUhis heart in the way that no one minded me more of a mas Hits (l955-Present). How can anyone might be your answer. American like eating homemade cookies, then drink not like "Grandma Got Run Over By a year. "Little Drummer Boy" and "White else can emulate. Then, there is "Nuttin' for Barney Christmas televi Gramaphone, the company that issues the ing skim milk. Skim milk and Fresh Aire Reindeer?" Even my Grandma, though I Christmas," two songs that every artist Christmas," my roommate's Christmas CD claims "to be a major force behind the just leave you with a bad taste in your tell her it's ominous, sings along. However, seems have a version of, are interspersed theme song. Apparently he's done some creative and technological revolution sweep mouth. Give me chocolate milk and music if you really want to please Grandma, put on throughout the album. Even though they things that Santa would consider "naughty ." sion special ... ing the international recording and music not domineered by computers and super the first track, "Jingle Bell Rock." You'll may not have the originality of the other This album is, asI said earlier, an essen industry." saturated with sound effects. see her grab Grandpa and dance like they songs on the album, they are well worth tial. Give this CD as a gift to anyone of any Unaware of this "creative and techno The CD opens with "Hark! The Herald never have before. If they haven't heard including on a Christmas hits album. religion and they are bound to love you for logical revolution," I eagerly purchased Trumpets Sing." The title itself is shady, enough, let the CD run to the next track, "The ChipmUnk Song," complete with it. You might not sing these carols in Fresh Aire. Forty-two minutes later I de and the song is even worse. Any music that "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." This Dave yelling at Alvin, Simon and Theodore, church, but hey, you don't exactly drink cided I wanted 75 percent of my money. reminds one of Barney, as many of the 1957 classic peaked at the number 14 spot is a snappy tune, as are most of the songs on eggnog there either.

18 S C H 0 L AS TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC E M B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 19

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... After listening to five make matters worse, he always seemed to grab the remote control before any of us could get to it. So, today, my favorite Christmas movie is his favorite Christmas movie, Miracle on 34th Street. Christmas albums in a row, There are bound to be better Christmas movies, though, and some HOW WE'LL SPEND of them might even be in color. I was getting tired. Unfortu This CD I'd recommendMiracle on 34th Street to anyone starting to feel like there is no Santa Claus. This movie will certainly cure you of that is best delusion. nately, the next CD didn't when OUR CHRISTMAS help much. But itwasn' t the Stan Evans My favorite is It's A Wondelful Life. I think Jimmy lights Stewart gives a really good performance. It's been a Christmas THE SCHOLASTIC STAFF PICI(S THEIR favorite since I was a kid, but I don't like the colorized version. It release that made me drowsy,. are low. detracts from the nostalgia. FAVORITE FLICKS FOR CHRISTMAS it was that I didn'tfollow the Sean Hynes My favorite has to beA Christmas Story because I like Kristin Alworth For any student who has plowed through the part where the mother makes the little kid eat his mashed instructions ... Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov or Kant's Critique of potatoes like a pig. That, and I never had a BB gun, so I can relate. Practical Reason,Home Alone is your best bet this season. Granted, picked Slow lams Christmas, Volume Slow lams Christmas might surprise you. It the tracks especially jump out and grab you, it's a juvenile movie without much substance, but that's about all Chris Myers Nothing tugs at the proverbial heartstrings quite like lout of the "Price Busters" bin, so I features songs from 11 popular artists, in but if you don't like to be grabbed then Slow any self~respecting Notre Dame student can handle after finals. seeing Al Pacino's Michael Corle one and Diane Keaton's Kay I Adams walking outside of Radio City Music Hall, carrying Christ was a little suspicious from the start. cluding The Temptations, The Whispers, lams Christmas is for you. Besides, after living with parietals, who hasn't dreamed of being My suspicions were further aggravated when and Charles Brown. The songs have a able to play while the parents (a.k.a. Kirk and O'Hara) are away? mas presents and talking about Ingrid Bergman in The Bells of St. I saw this sticker on the front on the case: jazzy, Motown feel that many people don't In a few days finals will be over and we Mary's. Passing the decorated windows, Kay sees the newspaper "Put another log on the fire, 'cause this hear this time of year. Nat King Cole's will be gone for break. Maybe the Christ Tom Benco A Christmas Story because I always wanted a BB gun. headline announcing the hit on Don Vito and Michael is suddenly album's hot!" Very, very, suspect. classic rendition of "The Christmas Song," mas spirit will hit you, maybe it won't. If reminded that Christmas is really all about being close to the one's After I opened the CD case and looked at is one everyone can sing along with, even if any of these CDs will help you get into the Paul Bohensky The holiday season is simply incomplete without you love. Here's to The Godfather, a film that reminds us of the the inside cover, I found this: "Instructions they don't have a baby. spirit, then I suggest you pick them up for A Christmas Story. A glowing leg lamp, decoder ring and the importance of family this, and every, holiday season. for Maximum Holiday Enjoyment. 1. Light Sometimes the album drags on, so Slow you or for someone else's stocking. Maybe maternal fear of air-powered rifles -everything needed to cheer up fireplace. 2. Uncork champagne. 3. Light lams Christmas is appropriately named. these CDs will make you sick, or maybe even the hardiest Scrooge. This movie is also chock-full of holiday Steve Myers When picking a movie during the holiday season, it's candles ... etc ..... 6. Get close to your The CD IS best when lights are low or late at groups like Rage Against the Machine safety tips for children, including the consequenc~s of licking important to consider underlying themes, not just setting and plot. baby." So, I guess this CD, technically, is night when winding down to sleep. Some-' brighten your holiday. But whatever music frozen flagpoles and the horrors of soap poisoning. So gather the Thinking back to those Christmas Eves tucked under the covers, my for everyone out there with a baby. times the songs seem to run together, time you choose to listen to, may you and yours whole family together, whip up the egg nog and join in the only mind racing with anticipation, I remember imagining Santa glori Despite your first impression, however, passes, and the CD suddenly ends. None of have a happy holiday. 0 movie experience that truly reflects the magic of Christmas. ously flying across the sky as he spreads goodwill (i.e. toys) across the world. Reminds me of the final scene of Dr. Strangelove, where Bridget Bradburn For me the Christmas spirit is best exemplified Slim Pickens climbs onto the nuclear bomb in the bomb bay, forces by the holiday scenes in When Hany Met Sally ... The estranged the doors open, and screams, "Yeee-HAAA!" as he gloriously friends spend the weeks leading up to December 25 apart .,- she drops to the earth, spreading goodwill (i.e. nuclear bombs) across Dave, Bral\dol\, Johl\ & Dave Russia. . . drags a Christmas tree down the streets of New York City alone, and, he calls her answering machine to leave "the traditional holiday grovel." It takes a while, but by New Year's Eve they are able to kiss Meredith Salisbury All-time favorite: How The Grinch Stole Thal\RS for !:Jour 110 percel\t and make up, and they even shed light on the lyrics to "Auld Lang Christmas. Even more villainous th~m that Humbug Scrooge, the Syne" - "Well, anyway, it's about old friends." Grinch sucks every sign of Christmas out of Whoville, but can't drain the Whos' Christmas spirit. You have to admire a show where Brian Christ Without question, the greatest Christmas movie ever the bad guy's heart grows two sizes, everyone cheers the villain, 1996 Luolls Football made is the 1992 film A Muppet Christmas Carol. The Muppets and they even serve up a delicious roast beast. But after all the effort come alive with this remake of the Dickens classic, their fourth the Grinch goes to dragging those Christmas trees IJP a mountain, feature film. This inovie is the perfect blend of crazy Muppet humor you have to wonder why he couldn't get earplugs to block out the and the Christmas hope of the original story - a must for any Whos'song. Christmas season. Colin Smith Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. I like Jeremy Dixon My favorite Christmas movie isA Christmas Story. Mr. Boogeyman - I like how he gets foiled by Santa Claus. My Illterhall Champs My favorite scene is when Ralphie has to put on his Christmas greatest hero takes on my worst nightmare and wins. Now I can present from his aunt: a pink bunny suit. He looks so pathetic in the sleep at night. (Under my bed is safe.) I also like how the country silly outfit and his little brother just laughs at him. It reminds me of unites together to fight a common foe when they all shoot down the all the horrible Christmas presents I have received, although there imposter Santa. And the music is cool, too. was never a rabbit outfit for me under the tree. Jenny Stachowiak How The Grinch Stole Christmas It's Dr. Seuss Patrick Downes Due to some odd, nostalgic tendencies, my dad and you've gotta love Dr. Seuss. The cartoon has cool music, a From a team who's all heart! has always had an aversion to any movie made after the 1960s. To heartwarming story, a happy ending and all. You can't go wrong.O

20 SCHOLASTIC MAG A Z I NE- DEC E M B E R 1 2, 1 996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE -DECEMBER 12,1996 21 &

20 SCHOLASTIC MAG A Z I NE- DEC E M B E R 1 2, 1 996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE -DECEMBER 12,1996 21 I' . & 2 II Ii -E 'N T E R l' A I N M E.-:t\Lr i.: ~ ., , I! tion, Wadsworth The Dream Bowl settles the matter Since the college football world revolves Ii Ii +COOO SPORTS by saying, "No around Notre Dame, the Dream Bowl is the one sits for the perfect bowl for this year's Irish squad. II games anyhow," Despite the team's inconsistency and im and gives those perfect record, the Irish can still play for Lamentations of a Bues Fan ticket-holders a the National Championship in the Dream 50-cent discount Bowl. Of course, they'll play an equally If you like to follow professional football, don't live in Tampa Holiday Bowls deserving team, which is why this year's on the purchase of a stadium brick. Dream Bowl Committee chose to have a The game is spon Notre Dame-Pitt rematch. This time, the o the Irish aren't going to a bowl game sored by Art Modell, for his "great strides in Irish shut out the Panthers 152-0 and AP this year. Oh well, at least it's a relief to ruining sports tradition" and the winning voters are so impressed, they vote the Irish s BY BRIAN HIRO see that all of that money the athletic team gets to relocate as an NFL franchise in number one. The winner of the Dream department is saving us will be put to good Cleveland. Ironically, that's what the losing Bowl receives 100 billion dollars, the band hose seven New York Jets fans use. It's unfortunate that the Irish didn't team gets too. doesn't perform "YMCA" or "Macarena" T out there seem to think they have it wait a little longer to refuse a post-season once and, yes, we have a kicker, too. pretty bad. A 1-11 record. The butt game, because they may have gotten an The Arrogance Bowl of more Letterman jokes than Bill Clinton. invitation to one these coveted "first tier" Two teams who think they are "all that," The "Scr~w You" Bowl The laughingstock of the NFL. Yeah, pretty bowls. Who knows, maybe Mike compete in a battle to see whose ego can Bow I game perfect for those athletic direc bad all right. Wadsworth will reconsider and accept a conquer over alL Here, Notre Dame would tors with 8-3 teams. Rather than send your Now take the pain of a Jets fan, double it late invite. After all, we are Notre Dame, face off against BYU, whose season in team to one of those pesky "second-tier" and extend it over 20 years. That's the pain and what is a college bowl game without cluded 11 wins over unranked opponents games, send them here; where they can of a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan. The term us? . • and only one loss to the fierce Washington play for sportsmanship, pride, honor and "fair-weather fan" does not apply to us Huskies. And, of course, who can forget love of the game. Here, the Irish could play because we've never known anything but current "franchise" quarterback, Trent stand up, stand up and shout." The song's The Greed Bowl their overtime victory in the WAC Champi one final game for the seniors, send coach bad weather. Heck, "fan" hardly applies; Dilfer, does his best to lose every game by writer is still puzzled why it never caught This contest is played betweentwo equally onship over perennial powerhouse Wyo Holtz out with a win (and maybe erase the it's hard to be fanatical about a team so throwing about four interceptions for every on. He is now managing David Hasselhoff' s money-hungry, if not bowl-deserving, ming. A team like BYU would be a perfect taste of that USC loss), give the band and laughably inept. Calling the B ucs the NFL's touchdown pass. music career. teams. This year, since no athletic director foil for Notre Dame, who proved their worth cheerleaders one final hurrah and give the laughingstock does not do them justice; o They drafted running back Bo Jackson o They once put the future of the "fran in the country is as financialiy conscious as · in arrogance two years ago accepting that fans something to look forward to over the they're the laughingstock of professional first overall in 1986. Strangely, he discov- . chise" in the incapable hands ofJack Thomp MichaerWadsworth, Notre Dame would Fiesta Bowlinvitation: The Arrogance Bowl . holiday break. Winner gets a sizable sum sports history. ered a long-lost love for baseball and signed son, unaffectionately known as "The play themselves in a rematch of the pre ~tubbornly refuses to be called a second tier of money, respectability and recruiting ex All you need to know about the Bucs is with the Kansas City Royals. Strangely too, Throwin' Samoan." Needless to say, itdidn't season Blue/Gold game. Aptly enough, the bowl, and that .suits these two teams just posure, while avoiding being called arro that in 1976 when Coach John McKay (I use he returned ,to football when the Bucs no work out. game is played at Notre Dame Stadium fine. Winner gets enough money to deem gant and greedy. Highlight: at halftime, the title lightly since he was 0-14 that year) longer owned his draft rights. o They once brought in ex-professional with tickets being sold for the new upper~ ·the bowl "financially acceptable" and a nice .. Michael Wadsworth auctions offhis mother was asked wbat he thought of his team's o They cha,nged the name of the league's wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura as a tier. Though there are no seats in the sec- gold toilet bowl to flush their pride down. to the highest bidder. execution, he replied, "I'm in favor of it." ugliest facility from Tampa Stadium to radio analyst. Apparently The Ultimate No, on second thought, that's not all you Houlihan Stadium. Catchy, huh? Warrior turned them down because their need to know. You need to know a lot more. oAs if the Jackson fiasco wasn't bad games looked so fake. Just how pathetic are the Bucs? Let me enough, they can boast the following "Where o In 1985, they tabbed Leeman Bennett to count the ways. are they now?" list of top-10 draft picks: bring the team new life. He went 4-28 in two oNot counting the recent expansion teams, Ron Holmes, Broderick Thomas, Keith years as coach. they own the worst winning percentage in McCants, Charles McCrae and Eric Curry. o They seem to think red and orange is an the history of pro sports. Yes, worse than the And, oh yeah, they traded what would have effective color scheme. I won't even ad Clippers. They could have about eight 10- been the top pick in 1992 for Chris Chan-· dress the mascot, a winking pirate with a

, 0 Get up bright arid early. win seasons in a row and. still be at the dler, a backup quarterback. feather between his teeth. +ALL WA NT FORe HRI STMA S IS AN "A" ., Breakfast is the most important part of bottom. Something tells me.that' s not going o In 1991, they had a chance to hire big But these embarassments aren't even the the day. Grab a quick bite to eat before you to happen. name coaches Bill Walsh, Bill Parcells and worst part offollowing the Bucs. The worst get to your exam room early enough to sit o They just ended a streak of 12 straight Buddy Ryan. Instead they chose offensive part is the way they tease you, always string Finals Are Comin' to Town next to the curve-wreckers~ years with 10 or more losses by going 7-9 "coordinator" Richard Williamson. Never ing you along with the promise of a bright • Dress comfortably. last year. But don'tworry. They're back on heard of him? You're not alone. After a future. They'll win three or four meaning Remember that dressing in layers keeps track this year with two more chances to year, he used the Bucs head coaching job to less games at the end ofthe season (they're he snow on the ground, the anticipation. • Don't forget your pens, pencils, calcula you warm and conceals all the liner notes reach double digits. catapult to Bengals receivers coach. Many at it again this year) and suddenly you're Tof students across campus, nervous tors and contacts. you've written on your T-shirt. , o They traded Steve Young back in 1987 called it a parallel move. anticipating draft day like normal fans an smiles and late nights. It's time for final Tuck those crib notes inside your pen Hopethese tips help make studying a to make room for Vinny Testaverde, who oThey came out with a team song about a ticipate the playoffs. They'll go 3-1 in the exams and you know, what that means - shafts; pencils allow youto easily change little easier for you and th.erefore, the holi~ set interception records that will never be decade ago, distributed on floppy 45s. It preseason and they're "turning the comer." time to brush up on your cheating. As you your answers to match your neighbors; 'pre days a little brighter. And remember the broken and blamed it all on color blindness. went something like this: "Hey, hey, Tampa Come to think of it, the Bucs' sorry history pull those endless all-nighters, OOB, in program those Casios with plenty 0' illegal Finance Major's Creed: If you don't know Then they traded Testaverde to Cleveland Bay, the Bucs know how to shine. Hey, hey has been one big tum of the comer. conjunction with the Notre Dame Finance formulas and clean 'your contacts for clear the answer, somebody else does .. to make room for Steve DeBerg. At last Tampa Bay, the Bucs know how to shine. If No more for this fan. It's time to face Department, would like to gIve you these eyesight to see the difference between your check, Young and Testaverde were starring we're in trouble, that's okay; we can pull it reality; that comer is never coming. hints on how. to cheat Scantron Band C circles. BY eH R ISM YE RS and DeB erg was in a retirement home. Their out. Because we know we're on the top, we Any room on that Broncos bandwagon?O

22 S C H OL A S TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC E M B E R 1 2, 1 996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 23

I ~--:------~------, - .', . . . I' . & 2 II Ii -E 'N T E R l' A I N M E.-:t\Lr i.: ~ ., , I! tion, Wadsworth The Dream Bowl settles the matter Since the college football world revolves Ii Ii +COOO SPORTS by saying, "No around Notre Dame, the Dream Bowl is the one sits for the perfect bowl for this year's Irish squad. II games anyhow," Despite the team's inconsistency and im and gives those perfect record, the Irish can still play for Lamentations of a Bues Fan ticket-holders a the National Championship in the Dream 50-cent discount Bowl. Of course, they'll play an equally If you like to follow professional football, don't live in Tampa Holiday Bowls deserving team, which is why this year's on the purchase of a stadium brick. Dream Bowl Committee chose to have a The game is spon Notre Dame-Pitt rematch. This time, the o the Irish aren't going to a bowl game sored by Art Modell, for his "great strides in Irish shut out the Panthers 152-0 and AP this year. Oh well, at least it's a relief to ruining sports tradition" and the winning voters are so impressed, they vote the Irish s BY BRIAN HIRO see that all of that money the athletic team gets to relocate as an NFL franchise in number one. The winner of the Dream department is saving us will be put to good Cleveland. Ironically, that's what the losing Bowl receives 100 billion dollars, the band hose seven New York Jets fans use. It's unfortunate that the Irish didn't team gets too. doesn't perform "YMCA" or "Macarena" T out there seem to think they have it wait a little longer to refuse a post-season once and, yes, we have a kicker, too. pretty bad. A 1-11 record. The butt game, because they may have gotten an The Arrogance Bowl of more Letterman jokes than Bill Clinton. invitation to one these coveted "first tier" Two teams who think they are "all that," The "Scr~w You" Bowl The laughingstock of the NFL. Yeah, pretty bowls. Who knows, maybe Mike compete in a battle to see whose ego can Bow I game perfect for those athletic direc bad all right. Wadsworth will reconsider and accept a conquer over alL Here, Notre Dame would tors with 8-3 teams. Rather than send your Now take the pain of a Jets fan, double it late invite. After all, we are Notre Dame, face off against BYU, whose season in team to one of those pesky "second-tier" and extend it over 20 years. That's the pain and what is a college bowl game without cluded 11 wins over unranked opponents games, send them here; where they can of a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan. The term us? . • and only one loss to the fierce Washington play for sportsmanship, pride, honor and "fair-weather fan" does not apply to us Huskies. And, of course, who can forget love of the game. Here, the Irish could play because we've never known anything but current "franchise" quarterback, Trent stand up, stand up and shout." The song's The Greed Bowl their overtime victory in the WAC Champi one final game for the seniors, send coach bad weather. Heck, "fan" hardly applies; Dilfer, does his best to lose every game by writer is still puzzled why it never caught This contest is played betweentwo equally onship over perennial powerhouse Wyo Holtz out with a win (and maybe erase the it's hard to be fanatical about a team so throwing about four interceptions for every on. He is now managing David Hasselhoff' s money-hungry, if not bowl-deserving, ming. A team like BYU would be a perfect taste of that USC loss), give the band and laughably inept. Calling the B ucs the NFL's touchdown pass. music career. teams. This year, since no athletic director foil for Notre Dame, who proved their worth cheerleaders one final hurrah and give the laughingstock does not do them justice; o They drafted running back Bo Jackson o They once put the future of the "fran in the country is as financialiy conscious as · in arrogance two years ago accepting that fans something to look forward to over the they're the laughingstock of professional first overall in 1986. Strangely, he discov- . chise" in the incapable hands ofJack Thomp MichaerWadsworth, Notre Dame would Fiesta Bowlinvitation: The Arrogance Bowl . holiday break. Winner gets a sizable sum sports history. ered a long-lost love for baseball and signed son, unaffectionately known as "The play themselves in a rematch of the pre ~tubbornly refuses to be called a second tier of money, respectability and recruiting ex All you need to know about the Bucs is with the Kansas City Royals. Strangely too, Throwin' Samoan." Needless to say, itdidn't season Blue/Gold game. Aptly enough, the bowl, and that .suits these two teams just posure, while avoiding being called arro that in 1976 when Coach John McKay (I use he returned ,to football when the Bucs no work out. game is played at Notre Dame Stadium fine. Winner gets enough money to deem gant and greedy. Highlight: at halftime, the title lightly since he was 0-14 that year) longer owned his draft rights. o They once brought in ex-professional with tickets being sold for the new upper~ ·the bowl "financially acceptable" and a nice .. Michael Wadsworth auctions offhis mother was asked wbat he thought of his team's o They cha,nged the name of the league's wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura as a tier. Though there are no seats in the sec- gold toilet bowl to flush their pride down. to the highest bidder. execution, he replied, "I'm in favor of it." ugliest facility from Tampa Stadium to radio analyst. Apparently The Ultimate No, on second thought, that's not all you Houlihan Stadium. Catchy, huh? Warrior turned them down because their need to know. You need to know a lot more. oAs if the Jackson fiasco wasn't bad games looked so fake. Just how pathetic are the Bucs? Let me enough, they can boast the following "Where o In 1985, they tabbed Leeman Bennett to count the ways. are they now?" list of top-10 draft picks: bring the team new life. He went 4-28 in two oNot counting the recent expansion teams, Ron Holmes, Broderick Thomas, Keith years as coach. they own the worst winning percentage in McCants, Charles McCrae and Eric Curry. o They seem to think red and orange is an the history of pro sports. Yes, worse than the And, oh yeah, they traded what would have effective color scheme. I won't even ad Clippers. They could have about eight 10- been the top pick in 1992 for Chris Chan-· dress the mascot, a winking pirate with a

22 S C H OL A S TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC E M B E R 1 2, 1 996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 23

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tational] especially gave us a chance to tum ert Fetter (free/IM), and Sean Casey (free). gave the girls a taste of what to expect in Weathers; in his second season with the The team hasn't let that get in the way of BY ALYSSA PETERSON in some really fast times." The depth of the freshman class, added to Hawaii," says first year Assistant Coach women's team. Two of his swimmers have reaching its goals, though. The Irish women fter the Notre Dame men's and After the first two days of the three-day . the strength of the upperclassmen, should and 1994 Notre Dame graduate Kristin already made consideration times for the are expected to win the Big East Conference A women's swimming teams closed invitational, the Irish took the lead over allow the Irish to reach their season goals. Heath, who assists both squads. "But the meet - Brooks in the 200 backstroke and meet this year, and, after defeating UConn, out the first semester of competi Buffalo and UConn, but the Huskies pulled "We want to keep dropping our times at girls have be~n training well across the junior Linda Gallo in the 200-yard freestyle. Boston College and Pittsburgh, they seem tion with the second annual Notre Dame out the meet victory on the last race, win . every dual meet next semester and move board and should continue the intensity over Brooks and Gallo hope to be joined by prepared to accomplish that feat. Invitational last weekend, they now tum ning by one point. Sophomore Scott into the top four at the Big East Champion the training trip." more teammates on their quest to bring the While the Irish have had smooth sailing their attention to their yearly winter training Zumbach won both individual medley ships," says Rose, who led Notre Dame to a Head Coach Bailey Weathers believes swimming program national recognition. so far, next semester's schedule will de i , I trip. This year the Irish will travel to prepare events, continuing his successful season, seventh-place finish in the conference meet his team has been handling the demanding Some of those national qualifiers may be mand that they step up another level. They '[ for the second half of the season. while freshman Herb Huesman, still recov last year. "We also want to rewrite the practices well while still swimming fast at from the team's young faces. will face some perennial swimming power The men 's team will be traveling,to Brazil ering from a knee injury, was a double school record book this year," adds Beville, ~eets. "The girls are pretty tired, but they're "The freshmen have really been swim houses, including Michigan, the defending in January for 10 days of intense training "",inner on the springboards. who currently holds Notre Dame records in still training hard and performing well," he ming well and have fulfilled all our expec national champion. But Heath is not wor and competition. "We're all excited to train Zumbach's and Huesman's performances the 100- and 200-yard butterfly events. says. tations," says Brooks. While the rookies are ried about the tougher competition. "The 'I in that environment," says senior.Ry Beville. are fulfilling the expectations of Head Coach 11 After their impressive meet at home this Fortunately for the Irish, the schedule so still adjusting to the academic demands and girls are getting excited for some challenges "Being in a new place will make it easier to Tim Welsh. "Scott Zumbach is one of the weekend, the men will have several weeks ,I far this season has not been too challenging, intense athletic program, they have been next semester and are looking for a chance I work hard." swimmers we are really counting on this ;,1 of training at Rolfs Aquatic Center and a allowing more time for training, which in enjoying themselves both in and out of the to prove themselves," she says .. The past four months of practices have year," Welsh said at the start of the season. Ii orief break for Christmas before heading to volves 10 water workouts per week. After a water. The first tests of the new year will be over been more strenuous then ever before. Welsh is also depending on Huesman, a Rio de Janeiro. They will not only practice loss to Arizona, the w6inen have taken three "What I really like is the way we all get semester break with a meet against the Uni "We're training harder than in the past, so four-time high school All-American, to en twice a day, but also compete in the Summer straight dual meets and the Notre Dame along as a team," says freshman Allison versity of Hawaii and the Rainbow Classic, we're pretty tired and probably won't see hance the men's diving program. "He is on Olympic Festival against members of the 'Invitational. Hollis, one of the team's leading an invitational with numerous college teams. significant results until next semester," a more elite level of U.S. diving and his Brazilian National Team and some 1996 Like the men, the women also boast a backstrokers. "Our class is very close, and Although the "vacation" in Hawaii will by Beville says. presence will help out the other divers on Olympians. large and fast freshman class, while de we've also bonded well with the upper no means be a restful one, the team is But the men have already seen some im the team." pending em speed rather than numbers in the classmen. They've helped us a lot and are anxious to train outdoors in the tropical pressive races against tough competition. In Huesman is not the only freshman mak hile the men are visiting South senior class. Led by NCAA. qualifier and always encouraging us in swimming and 'climate. "We're really looking forward to dual meet action, the Irish defeated Western ing waves for the Irish. With 15 newcomers W America, the women's squad will senior captain Erin Brooks, who set a meet school work." the trip," Brooks says. "It's going to be a Ontario and Boston College while narrowly to the squad, fresh enthusiasm has been be in Hawaii. .The trip to the record in the 200-yard backstroke last week Classmate Natalie Najarian agrees that hard two weeks, but being in the sun will losing to Ball State and Connecticut. added to training and competition. The island will not be all fun and games, though, end, the Irish look to send more swimmers the camaraderie of the team has helped ease definitely boost our attitude and spirits." "We've faced some great teams, but we've young swimmers are helping the Irish on the as the women will spend most of the 16 days to the national competition in March. the pressure of being a varsity athlete. "At When the women return·to South Bend, progressed at every meet with our times scoreboard with several victories so far this in the pool preparing for the more competi "We have the ability to send six girls and first it was hard learning how to balance not only will they be tan, but they will be steadily improving," says senior captain season from freshmen Antonio Fonseca tive half of their season. some relays to the NCAAs and should break academics with swimming, but it's getting a prepared to prove that Notre Dame swim Matthew Rose. "Last weekend [at the Invi- (breaststroke/free), John Lubker (free), Rob- . "Our week in Arizona over fall break into the top 20 in the standings," predicts little easier now," she says. ming has truly become a national power.D

24 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 25 , ,-, ' - _" - , '. : • ' • I, '~'.-: '

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~~]lli ~~~~~~~~ ...... n gthe bc:<_~,~", ...... ~.~:;'i~\i:;~ SOPHOMORE SENSATION. Scott Zumbach continues his success with three first-place finishes last weekend. INDIANAPOLIS BOUND? Junior Linda Gallo hopes to join teammate Erin Brooks at the national championships . . He owns Notre Dame records in the 1650-yard freestyle and the 400-yard individual medley. She has barely missed the qualifying time in the 200-yard freestyle already this season. tational] especially gave us a chance to tum ert Fetter (free/IM), and Sean Casey (free). gave the girls a taste of what to expect in Weathers; in his second season with the The team hasn't let that get in the way of BY ALYSSA PETERSON in some really fast times." The depth of the freshman class, added to Hawaii," says first year Assistant Coach women's team. Two of his swimmers have reaching its goals, though. The Irish women fter the Notre Dame men's and After the first two days of the three-day . the strength of the upperclassmen, should and 1994 Notre Dame graduate Kristin already made consideration times for the are expected to win the Big East Conference A women's swimming teams closed invitational, the Irish took the lead over allow the Irish to reach their season goals. Heath, who assists both squads. "But the meet - Brooks in the 200 backstroke and meet this year, and, after defeating UConn, out the first semester of competi Buffalo and UConn, but the Huskies pulled "We want to keep dropping our times at girls have be~n training well across the junior Linda Gallo in the 200-yard freestyle. Boston College and Pittsburgh, they seem tion with the second annual Notre Dame out the meet victory on the last race, win . every dual meet next semester and move board and should continue the intensity over Brooks and Gallo hope to be joined by prepared to accomplish that feat. Invitational last weekend, they now tum ning by one point. Sophomore Scott into the top four at the Big East Champion the training trip." more teammates on their quest to bring the While the Irish have had smooth sailing their attention to their yearly winter training Zumbach won both individual medley ships," says Rose, who led Notre Dame to a Head Coach Bailey Weathers believes swimming program national recognition. so far, next semester's schedule will de i , I trip. This year the Irish will travel to prepare events, continuing his successful season, seventh-place finish in the conference meet his team has been handling the demanding Some of those national qualifiers may be mand that they step up another level. They '[ for the second half of the season. while freshman Herb Huesman, still recov last year. "We also want to rewrite the practices well while still swimming fast at from the team's young faces. will face some perennial swimming power The men 's team will be traveling,to Brazil ering from a knee injury, was a double school record book this year," adds Beville, ~eets. "The girls are pretty tired, but they're "The freshmen have really been swim houses, including Michigan, the defending in January for 10 days of intense training "",inner on the springboards. who currently holds Notre Dame records in still training hard and performing well," he ming well and have fulfilled all our expec national champion. But Heath is not wor and competition. "We're all excited to train Zumbach's and Huesman's performances the 100- and 200-yard butterfly events. says. tations," says Brooks. While the rookies are ried about the tougher competition. "The 'I in that environment," says senior.Ry Beville. are fulfilling the expectations of Head Coach 11 After their impressive meet at home this Fortunately for the Irish, the schedule so still adjusting to the academic demands and girls are getting excited for some challenges "Being in a new place will make it easier to Tim Welsh. "Scott Zumbach is one of the weekend, the men will have several weeks ,I far this season has not been too challenging, intense athletic program, they have been next semester and are looking for a chance I work hard." swimmers we are really counting on this ;,1 of training at Rolfs Aquatic Center and a allowing more time for training, which in enjoying themselves both in and out of the to prove themselves," she says .. The past four months of practices have year," Welsh said at the start of the season. Ii orief break for Christmas before heading to volves 10 water workouts per week. After a water. The first tests of the new year will be over been more strenuous then ever before. Welsh is also depending on Huesman, a Rio de Janeiro. They will not only practice loss to Arizona, the w6inen have taken three "What I really like is the way we all get semester break with a meet against the Uni "We're training harder than in the past, so four-time high school All-American, to en twice a day, but also compete in the Summer straight dual meets and the Notre Dame along as a team," says freshman Allison versity of Hawaii and the Rainbow Classic, we're pretty tired and probably won't see hance the men's diving program. "He is on Olympic Festival against members of the 'Invitational. Hollis, one of the team's leading an invitational with numerous college teams. significant results until next semester," a more elite level of U.S. diving and his Brazilian National Team and some 1996 Like the men, the women also boast a backstrokers. "Our class is very close, and Although the "vacation" in Hawaii will by Beville says. presence will help out the other divers on Olympians. large and fast freshman class, while de we've also bonded well with the upper no means be a restful one, the team is But the men have already seen some im the team." pending em speed rather than numbers in the classmen. They've helped us a lot and are anxious to train outdoors in the tropical pressive races against tough competition. In Huesman is not the only freshman mak hile the men are visiting South senior class. Led by NCAA. qualifier and always encouraging us in swimming and 'climate. "We're really looking forward to dual meet action, the Irish defeated Western ing waves for the Irish. With 15 newcomers W America, the women's squad will senior captain Erin Brooks, who set a meet school work." the trip," Brooks says. "It's going to be a Ontario and Boston College while narrowly to the squad, fresh enthusiasm has been be in Hawaii. .The trip to the record in the 200-yard backstroke last week Classmate Natalie Najarian agrees that hard two weeks, but being in the sun will losing to Ball State and Connecticut. added to training and competition. The island will not be all fun and games, though, end, the Irish look to send more swimmers the camaraderie of the team has helped ease definitely boost our attitude and spirits." "We've faced some great teams, but we've young swimmers are helping the Irish on the as the women will spend most of the 16 days to the national competition in March. the pressure of being a varsity athlete. "At When the women return·to South Bend, progressed at every meet with our times scoreboard with several victories so far this in the pool preparing for the more competi "We have the ability to send six girls and first it was hard learning how to balance not only will they be tan, but they will be steadily improving," says senior captain season from freshmen Antonio Fonseca tive half of their season. some relays to the NCAAs and should break academics with swimming, but it's getting a prepared to prove that Notre Dame swim Matthew Rose. "Last weekend [at the Invi- (breaststroke/free), John Lubker (free), Rob- . "Our week in Arizona over fall break into the top 20 in the standings," predicts little easier now," she says. ming has truly become a national power.D

24 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I N E • DEC EM B E R 1 2, 1 9 9 6 25 -- .',. . , '. ~ I', • .

Splinters from the What's Press Box Wrong A roundup of the week in sports December 4 to December 10 edited by J(3remy Dixon VOLLEYBALL WOMEN'S SOCCER With This Dec. 4 Hofstra W 3-0 Dec. 6 #3 Portland W 3-2 Dec. 8 #12 Ohio State L 3-2 Dec. 8 #2 North Carolina L 1-0 Key Player: Jaimie Lee led the Irish in kills Key Player: Jen Grubb had the game-win Scott Zumbach Picture? both games, with 14 against Hofstra and 27 ning assist against Portland and played stel The sophomore from Katonah, N.Y., against the Buckeyes. lar defense in the championship game. helped lead the men's swimming team to Key Stat: The starting lineup only played Key Stat: The Irish joined North Carolina a second-place finish at the Notre Dame together once all season, as three starters as the only school to appear in three con Invitationai last weekend, with wins in missed a combined 44 games due to injury. secutive NCAA finals. the 200 individual medley, 400 individual Up Next: 1997. Up Next: 1997. . medley and the 200 butterfly. and Navy met. In the weeks leading up to Carolyn Manuszak instituted a campus-wide BY CHRISTIAN DALLAVIS the game, Army underclassmen were re HOCKEY WOMEN'S BASKETBALL ban on smoking, offering "no exceptions." + Media Hoax quired to answer their phones with "Beat Two years later, however, she was caught The above photo is on the cover of the Navy" instead of the traditional "Hello." smoking in her office restroom. She told the Dec. 6 at #8 Michigan State L 4-3 Dec. 5 at Purdue L 73-58 Athletes of the University of Miami men's basketball me This effort to unite the student body and AP, "I realize that smoking is not good for Dec. 7 Alaska-Fairbanks W 3-1 Dec. 7 Providence . W 91-75 . Week dia guide for the 1996-97 season. All the motivate the team has spread to Notre Dame anyone's health ... I no longer smoke in my Dec. 9 #19 Wisconsin L 81-69 seniors are decked out in their caps and - with a twist. Athletic· Director Mike office." At least here we can take some gowns, ostensibly getting ready for gradua Wadsworth is,requiring all on-campus stu comfort in the fact that our president isn't Key Player: Forward Brian Urick leads the Key Player: Beth Morgan had her second Jen Renola tion. According to the 1996 NCAA Gradu dents to answer their phones by whining and breaking his own rules, although he was team with eight goals, including six in his double-double of the season against the . The first-team All-American was the main ation Rate Report, however, only three of crying about not going to a bowl game. recently seen sneaking a catapult into Sorin. last seven games. Friars, with 17 points and 10 boards. reason the Irish went into double over them can actually expect to graduate this (Check out du Lac page 14, lOb: "This Key Stat: The Irish have lost five of their Key Stat: The' 7-3 start is the best for the time against North Carolina. The senior year, since the graduation rate for Miami's prohibition includes, but is not limited to, last eight games by one goal, including two women's team since 1978 when the Irish • Just Like on Days of OUf co-captain re.corded a tournament-high men's basketball team is only 57 percent. rifles, shotguns, pistols, BB guns, pellet in the final minute. started the season 8-2. seven saves in her final game tending That was awfully nice of the coach to let Lives guns, catapults, bows and arrows, stun guns, Up Next: The Irish are off for finals and Up Next: A much-neededrestfor the travel goal for Notre·Dame to keep her team in them play dress-up, though. A female student at Mississippi College knives, and martial arts equipment.") Christmas before returning to action on weary team before playing at Valparaiso on the game. recently had an involuntary exorcism per December 28 at Princeton. December 21. + The Grinch formed on her by her roommate and an + Dead Kitties at the Snite What They Said: "I've been trying to be agood boy, I don't know what else to do. It's sad. alumna of the school. The two women at Undercover police recently busted 10 stu A senior at Winthrop University in Rock [NBA Commissioner] David Stem has these referees in diapers, and they can't make any tacked and choked the alleged succubus in dents at California State University in Chico, Hill, S.c., included a dead kitten in a sculp calls." - Chicago Bulls' bad boy Dennis Rodman after his ejection last Saturday. the presence of the director of the dormi Calif., for selling marijuana iq a dormitory. ture that was on display for a month in the tory, who did nothing to stop the ensuing What We Read: "Some of these teams are on television more than Oprah and Ricki Lake University police had planted an under university library. In his work of art titled fight. No charges were filed, however, and and Alex Trebek combined. I think Georgetown played Villanova a hundred tiines last cover officer in the dorm at the beginning of "Love," J. Keith Walters incorporated a the victim only wound up with a bruised year. At least it seemed that way. Bobby Knight and that red sweater could be part of the the semester to stop the growing drug trade four-foot-tall st~el replica of a human spine cheek. No word yet on whether the exor wallpaper. Is that the only sweater he owns?" - Leigh Montville, Sports Illustrated, on among students. This 'case is similar to the attached to a metal rib cage with a freeze cism worked, but the victim's head stopped college basketball. recent incident at College ParkCondomini dried cat inside. The artist explained that the spinning and she stopped vomiting all over Dix's Pick: The men's basketball team heads down to Lexington to take 'on the Kentucky urns, where owner Chris Fielding went un cat represented a living thing inside a cold everyone, which are considered promising Wildcats. Although the team showed life againstIU, Rick Pitino's boys are too much for cage that, like an overprqtective mother, dercover disguised as a landlord and busted signs. the inexperienced Irish. Pat Garrity leads the way for Notre Dame with 22 points and six his residents for'having fun. Any day now was· meant to be nurturing but ended up rebounds,'but the team falls 85-57. he is expected to crack down onChristinas destr9ying. The exhibit closes this month, Hiro's Hunch: A trip to Hoops Heaven is not what John MacLeod's troops need if they trees and Nintendo. + No Smoking in the President's and the university has no plans to remove the dead animal from it. Luckily for us, the wantto boosttheir confidence before facing the bullies of the Big East. Kentucky has been Office on quite a roll since losing to Clemson in mid-November. Garrity shows he's prime time exhibit is coming to South· Quad next se + Wah, Wah The. president of Villa Julie College in with 25 but the Wildcat duo of Derek Anderson and Ron Mercer are too much as the Irish mester, but will include, dead squirrels on One of 'thenation's biggest rivalries had Stevenson, Md., was recently fined $1,312 go down, 93-64. the ,red and blue arrow sculpture by another showdown last weekend when Army for breaking a rule she created. In 1994 O'Shaughnessy. 0

26 SCHOLASTIC M kG A Z I N E ,- DEC E M B E R 1 2 ,19 9 6 S C H 0 LAS TIC MAG A Z I N E- D E' C E M ,B E R " 1 2, 1 9 9 6 27 -- .',. . , '. ~ I', • .

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know the Grinch, too. He's a good guy, now, isn't he? Could he maybe pull a few strings down inWhoville? Cindy Lou Who sure is a cutie. My wife can ride with you on the sled on JliSt Stick Her Christmas Eve, if it's not too much trouble. I bet she'll be more than willing to go down the chimney and throw the milk and cookies up to you. If there 's not enough room in your sled I'll hire a cab to bring her here. I know Under The Tree it might be expensive - I don't know the current fare for taxis running from the North Pole to campus, but I'm more than willing to pay. To: saintnick.l @northpole.com Pick a good one for me, Mr. Claus. I'm From: Zachary. WKulsrud.1 @nd.edu putting my faith in you. Do me a favor and don't show her my picture in the dogbook; Subject: Christmas List it's terrible. Make sure she can handle the scintillating night life of South Bend and the scrumptious meals of North Dining Hall. Jackson rookie card I found a My Little hope. Santa, sir, please bring me a wife. Give me ,a gorgeous, intelligent, athletic for the ladies is this year, but I want first and saying they are from you. Hear me when BY ZAC KULSRUD Pony in my stocking. You also need to know Yes, I'm serious. I beg you to bring me lady and I promise you, on my sacred honor, dibs. From what I see at Notre Dame, a lot I say that I still believe. This year, Santa, ear Santa, about 1989, when the same thing happened, that special someone. I want to break free of that I will treat her like a queen. We'll have of my friends will be asking for spouses, so let's keep it between you, me and my lovely D I know it has been a long time since only this time with Strawberry Shortcake. the manacles that are the dating scene at a big Catholic family and you and Mrs. make sure your work force is prepared. Oh, new bride. 0 we last talked. Actually, we've Was it just a coincidence that my younger Notre Dame. I am trapped in a thousand Claus will be their godparents, you have my and one more thing - don't tell my parents This is a humor column. The views ex never talked.' All our correspondence has sister got the Barbie Corvette that year and midnights bearing harmless names such as word. or anyone else about this. My parents some pressed here do not necessarily reflect the . been through the U.S. Postal Service, ex I only got underwear? The truth hurts, "SYR" and "Formal." You, Santa, can be Please process my request as soon as you times think they're sort of omnipotent views of the editorial staff of Scholastic cept for that time back in '83 when I had to doesn't it, big fell a? the beacon lighting my way from captivity. can, Santa. I don't know what the demand middlemen, giving me things they bought Magazine. FedEx my last minute Hungry Hungry Hippo But I'm willing to put that all behind us, You burn bright in the cold South Bend sky, request, but that's beside the point. sir. I'm sorry I had to bring all that up, but brighter than any halogen lamp, brighter I would ask about Mrs. Claus, , than that obnoxious "Z" on the rest of the elves and the Zahm Hall. reindeer, but I realize you're a But I'm not asking for a busy man this time of year and Was it just a coincidence that my halogen lamp, nor am I asking don't have time for small talk. you to get rid of that "Z" - Bruno's Pizza Just give my best wishes to younger sister got the Barbie I've already got that covered. Donner and Blitzen. What sparked this request, I Let's get to the point, S~nta. Corvette that year and I only got don 'tknow. Maybe it was see _,..} - - ,"\",' /' - - ". You have been good to me over ing my uncle Dan over the years. You came up big in ;;. underwear? The truth hurts, Thanksgiving. I can't imag- »runo ~s ·N ortl)' B rurio 's '.So.litH '85 with those three big Trans- ine him walking around in this formers under the tree next to doesn't it, big lelia? crazy world as a single man; Open for carryout, delivery & dine-in Accepting reservations on weekends. Mouse Trap, my favorite board' Ormaybeitwas Grandpa; who from 4 - 2 a.m. weekdays, Available for private parties & banquets. game for years to come. Then knows what would happen to **1 18-INCH PIZZAS WITH 3 TOPPINGS **ONE 20-INCH PIZZA FOR $9.95 there was 1986. My parents re- him if Grandma got run over fused to buy me the Spiderman Big Wheel those days wei:e painful. The truth is that by a reindeer? I do know, however, that I FOR$14.00 EVERY DAY** EVERY THURSDAY (DINE-IN ONLY)** because they said they flipped easily, l~ke an you, sir, have done more forme than I could need a spouse, and soon. A deep, dark 119 U.S. 31 (just north of campus) 2610 Prairie Ave. Isuzu Rodeo, but you delivered. The spar have ever imagined. The toys you brought winter is settling in and I don't know if I can kling three-wheeled machine was waiting me made my year, and all I had to do was uphold my Catholic vows of chastity for for me next to the fireplace on Christmas. give you cookies and milk a~d be nice. much longer. Forget Power Rangers and 273-3890 288-3320 morning. Mistakes happen, I realize that. It isn't easy Nintendo 64 - there are too many of those The fact is, Santa, that you went to bat for pleasing the billion or so kids out there on campus anyway. me for over a decade. Unfortunately, how every December 25th. Solicit the help of your friends if you have ever, our relationship has collapsed over the So this year, I've decided to ask for one to: Rudolph, the elves, the Easter Bunny, ."All Homemade - 100% Real Cheese" last seven years. That's why I had to e-mail thing, and one thing only. You know I'm the Tooth Fairy, the Grinch, anyone. I know you when I came across your homepage on only an innocent 18-year-old, and I have the Tooth Fairy owes me a few favors. I We offer FREE DELIVERY of our pizza righ~ to the Internet. I just need to come forward. It three and a half years of tough schooling didn't even get a card, let alone money, hurts even to discuss it, but I have to bring ahead of me, but forget all of that for just a when my wisdom teeth and four other baby Notre Dame's and Saint Mary's campuses. up the scandal of 1990. Instead of the Bo moment. I'm desperate and you are my last molars were pulled last summer. I hear you

28 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE,- DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE - DECEMBER 12, 1996 29

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28 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE,- DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE - DECEMBER 12, 1996 29

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THURSDAY - December 12 Movies 10: -cr 254-9685. Concert, Notre Dame Chorale, Handel's Messiah, Washing T -The Mirror Has Two Faces, PG-13, 1 :15, 4:20, ton Hall, 8 p.m. 7:15, 10:15. FRIDAY- December 13 -Mars Attacks, PG-13, 12:20, 12:40,2:45,3:10, H 5:15, 5:35, 7:40, 8:05, 10:10, 10:30. Concert, Notre Dame Chorale, Handel's Messiah, Washing -Star Trek First Contact, PG-13, 12:45, 3:20, ton Hall, 8 p.m. 7:10,9:55. SATURDAY - December 14 E -Daylight, PG~13, 12:00, 1 :30, 2:35, 4:10, 5:10, 7:00, 7:50, 9:40, 10:20. Concert, Glee Club Christmas Concert, Stepan Center, 6 and -The Preacher's Wife, PG, 12:10, 1:10, 3:00, 8:30 p.m. 4:00, 5:45, 7:20, 9:00, 10:00. SUNDAY - December 15 -The English Patient, R, 1 :00, 4:30, 8:00. Study Hard! Naked boys on the quad, 10 p.m. 5 -Set It Off, R, 2:15, 4:50, 7:55, 10:25. MONDAY - December 16 Ooh, finals! Naked boys in the library, 1° p.m. I • TUESDAY - December 17 • Ooh, more finals I No more naked boys. Too bad. L : WEDNESDAY -Dece,mber 18 University Park West: • Only two more days - Have a good break! -cr 277-7336. Y -101 Dalmatians, G, 12:00, 12:30, 1 :30,2:45, E 3:15, 4:15, 5:20, 5:50, 7:00, 8:00, 8:30, 9:25. ~.'/I~'~' University Park East: R -cr 277-7336. -Jerry Maguire, R, 11 :00, 11 :30, 1 :45, 2:20, ~~~~~:...... 4:40, 5:30, 7:35, 9:00, 10:30. How did:Cath~fine the Great die? What's so great -Jingle All the Way, PG, 12:45, 3:00, 5:15, about Paul Revere,? Was St. Patrick Irish? What can 5 7:30, 9:35, 11 :30. Sumo wrestlers do with their testicles? Can you -Romeo and Juliet, PG-13, 2:00, 4:30, 7:05, 9:40. tickle, yourself? What did Washington say as he C -First Wive's Club, PG, 2:1 0, 4:35, 7:00, 9:25, crossed the Delaware? ',- CD 11 :30. ,,'J1Joq pauwvp alfl dWVMS 11 ,110A.1O 'AIMOZS R -Space Jam, PG, 12:30, 2:45, 5:00, 7:15, mq 'A.I.lV H 'ssv ilJq .lnoA ,aAOW" 'P!VS alf 's/vu.mo! S,XOU)] "XO". {IuaH 9:15,11 :15. Iv.lauaD 01 illlJp.IOXJV .'.Iailu!j .moA IfJ!M .l/111OW .moA jo jOo.1 alfliluJqq11.1 E A.li 'sa,J .'(S!lll (ip UV;) silolfailpalf puv sa/ow 'sMa.llfs A/UO) 'sa!poq .I!alfl ,• Late Shows on Friday and DIU! W{}lfl MV.lp~J!M AlIva.II,lIV;) lalfJ - op I,UD;) sn jo Isa.1 alfl ilu!lflON Saturday only! .'( "SUV!.lVq.lVC/ ailvl1.vs"lfSPI alII pallv.Jual1.a aH) ·salv.l!dlfS!.q fo a/lOIS E -New Student Rate: $4, Monday lfs!JJ.lEl alp SVM alf '(W :.IVM alfl U! .laJv/ a;)!p.lVMO;) .lOj pa/V!J.lVW l.mO;) Thursday with a student ID! SVM pliV ap!,.1 S!ll jo Ilfilju alfJ l{S!I!.IElaifJ Aq pa.mldDJ SVM alf-lf;)I1W JON N .'(sa!waUJ.lall Aq dl1 apviu K,.lOis v s,JvlfJ-as.lOlf v W!MXJS illlJl1.Vlf alP IOU PIP alfS) 'L9 3ilv IV a:>fo.lls v jo pa!p puv lal!OI alflJfo lIajalfS :S.WMSUV

30 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 31

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30 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12, 1996 31

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" " Religion for·the Sal~e by Michael McCurdy of Survival?

i I

rom stopping at the Grotto after running around Our empathy for others and our desire to preserve our Pthe lakes to going barefoot to 11 p.m. mass on species causes us to abide by a certain code of Sunday nights in Dillon Hall, I was immedi behavior. Without morals, society would be thrown ately aware of the religious atmosphere that perme into anarchy. ates this campus. The religious character of Notre Since morals could be a human construction, how Dame contributed to my decision to attend the univer can I be sure that by living a moral life I am really any sity. Although the idea of spiritual gJ,"owth still ap better than someone who does not? Am I just con I peals to me, my spiritual foundation has experienced forming to societal norms? Is religion a human cre Work for Scholastic more uncertainty than growth during my time here. ation as well, helping to preserve society? Perhaps .and work in the It is not the fault of the university or the atmosphere spiritually (if I have a spirit) I am no better, although that causes me to be skeptical of my faith; in fact, I I may be a better member of society. By following the happiest place on cannot imagine a better environment in which to conscience that society instills in me, I am following Earth! foster religious development. This doubt arises from my natural instincts to preserve my own species. So, my need to determine the relationship between God I . am ,basically using this human construction of and me in the overall scheme of life. morality. to, help guide me in pursuing my inborn As I watch the behavior of both humans and ani" desires., The purpose of religion might just be to mals, I continuously see the similarities between the facilitate an increased sense of morality; or perhaps two. Yet, it seems that we tend notto acknowledge our there is a higher being that truly does care if we ,"love similarities with nature, but instead we stress our one anoiher as ourselves." differences. Based on the overwhelming number of It seems that people always look for the reasons similarities linking humans to other organisms, I behind the way things are, and religion attempts to question whether there is anything that fundamen provide answers for the ever-questioning human mind. tally separates us. The answers provided by religion are valiant at The"'perpetuation of its own kind is the ultimate tempts to quench people's desire to know the mean objective of every species. This drive even causes the ing of life; yet" if religion is a human construction, female spider of a particular species to sacrifice' her these answers continue to fall short of their goal. life so her babies can feed on her carcass in order to The only honest explanation for life, from its sim sustain them until they mature. Similarly, most people plest to its most complex forms, is that we do not would not become involved in a relationship if they . know the answer. This lack of knowledge allows me thought their partner did not have the qualities they to choose to believe in what I think is the most wanted to pass on to their offspring. reasonable explanation: some higher power could Michael McCurdy is Since we are more intelligent than our animal have started this cycle oflife. I have no idea what God a sophomore Arts and counterparts, we have formed a much more complex is or why he created life; all I know is that God Letters pre-professional method for preserving our species. We have chan provides an answer for what we do not understand but major who resides in neled our innate desire to continue our species by would like to know. Dillon Hall. creating morals to preserve and advance our society. Although I have these doubts now, I must keep an Because humans are not endowed with strength, open mind about my faith and religion. Yet, just like speed or toughness, we had to create a communal Socrates's statement, "An unexamined life is not society where we worked together in order to survive. worth living," an unexamined faith is not worth Morals arose out of the need to maintain order and believing. By thoroughly examining my beliefs; I Stop by 303 LaFortune to pick up an application for our writing, stability in the community. They cause us to contem hope to ensure that they are based upon my own plate the consequences of our actions before we act, personal convictions and reasoning rather than on layout or photography staffs. Call 1-7569 with:any questions. awa~e that what we do might affect the lives of others.' outside influences. 0

32 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12,1996

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Feeling Blue? COllle work for Scholastic! '1, \

" " Religion for·the Sal~e by Michael McCurdy of Survival? i I rom stopping at the Grotto after running around Our empathy for others and our desire to preserve our Pthe lakes to going barefoot to 11 p.m. mass on species causes us to abide by a certain code of Sunday nights in Dillon Hall, I was immedi behavior. Without morals, society would be thrown ately aware of the religious atmosphere that perme into anarchy. ates this campus. The religious character of Notre Since morals could be a human construction, how Dame contributed to my decision to attend the univer can I be sure that by living a moral life I am really any sity. Although the idea of spiritual gJ,"owth still ap better than someone who does not? Am I just con I peals to me, my spiritual foundation has experienced forming to societal norms? Is religion a human cre Work for Scholastic more uncertainty than growth during my time here. ation as well, helping to preserve society? Perhaps .and work in the It is not the fault of the university or the atmosphere spiritually (if I have a spirit) I am no better, although that causes me to be skeptical of my faith; in fact, I I may be a better member of society. By following the happiest place on cannot imagine a better environment in which to conscience that society instills in me, I am following Earth! foster religious development. This doubt arises from my natural instincts to preserve my own species. So, my need to determine the relationship between God I . am ,basically using this human construction of and me in the overall scheme of life. morality. to, help guide me in pursuing my inborn As I watch the behavior of both humans and ani" desires., The purpose of religion might just be to mals, I continuously see the similarities between the facilitate an increased sense of morality; or perhaps two. Yet, it seems that we tend notto acknowledge our there is a higher being that truly does care if we ,"love similarities with nature, but instead we stress our one anoiher as ourselves." differences. Based on the overwhelming number of It seems that people always look for the reasons similarities linking humans to other organisms, I behind the way things are, and religion attempts to question whether there is anything that fundamen provide answers for the ever-questioning human mind. tally separates us. The answers provided by religion are valiant at The"'perpetuation of its own kind is the ultimate tempts to quench people's desire to know the mean objective of every species. This drive even causes the ing of life; yet" if religion is a human construction, female spider of a particular species to sacrifice' her these answers continue to fall short of their goal. life so her babies can feed on her carcass in order to The only honest explanation for life, from its sim sustain them until they mature. Similarly, most people plest to its most complex forms, is that we do not would not become involved in a relationship if they . know the answer. This lack of knowledge allows me thought their partner did not have the qualities they to choose to believe in what I think is the most wanted to pass on to their offspring. reasonable explanation: some higher power could Michael McCurdy is Since we are more intelligent than our animal have started this cycle oflife. I have no idea what God a sophomore Arts and counterparts, we have formed a much more complex is or why he created life; all I know is that God Letters pre-professional method for preserving our species. We have chan provides an answer for what we do not understand but major who resides in neled our innate desire to continue our species by would like to know. Dillon Hall. creating morals to preserve and advance our society. Although I have these doubts now, I must keep an Because humans are not endowed with strength, open mind about my faith and religion. Yet, just like speed or toughness, we had to create a communal Socrates's statement, "An unexamined life is not society where we worked together in order to survive. worth living," an unexamined faith is not worth Morals arose out of the need to maintain order and believing. By thoroughly examining my beliefs; I Stop by 303 LaFortune to pick up an application for our writing, stability in the community. They cause us to contem hope to ensure that they are based upon my own plate the consequences of our actions before we act, personal convictions and reasoning rather than on layout or photography staffs. Call 1-7569 with:any questions. awa~e that what we do might affect the lives of others.' outside influences. 0

32 SCHOLASTIC MAGAZINE. DECEMBER 12,1996

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