MR SLUDGE, 'THE MEDIUM' 821 ;:1 Please read the note on p. 1163 before reading this poem. Mr Sludge, 'The Medium' Now, don't, sir! Don't expose me! Just this once! This was the firstand only time, I'll swear, - Look at me, - see, I kneel, - the only time, I swear, I ever cheated, -yes, by the soul !· Of Her who hears -(your sainted mother, sir!) All, except this last accident, was truth - This little kind of slip! - and even this, It was your own wine, sir, the good champagne, (I took it for Catawba, you're so kind) 10 Which put the follyin my head! 'Get up?' You still inflicton me that terrible face? You show no mercy? - Not forHer dear sake, The sainted spirit's, whose soft breath even now ....r�. ;if;.. -':,.,,P.·· .i:,-) :. ... ,•, �� -�: MR SLUDGE, 'THE MEDIUM' 822 DRAMA TIS PERSONAE 823 A rap or tip! What bit of paper's here? Blows on my cheek - (don't you feel something, sir?) ;i,·~ Suppose we take a pencil, let her write, You'll tell? ·'t r Make the least sign, she urges on her child Go tell, then! Who the devil cares , 50 Forgiveness? There now! Eh? Oh I 'Twas your foot, What such a rowdy chooses to ... r) And not a natural creak, sir? Aie-aie-aie! Please, sir! your thumbs are through my windpipe, sir I Answer, then! Ch-chi Ii Once, twice, thrice ... see, I'm waiting to say 'thrice!' l All to no use? No sort of hope for me? Well, sir, I hope you've done it now! 1'1 It's all to post to Greeley's newspaper? Oh Lord! I little thought, sir, yesterday, 20 When your departed mother spoke those words ;\: What? Ifl told you all about the tricks? fr\: Of peace through me, and moved you, sir, so much, :~.; Upon my soul! - the whole truth, and naught else, You gave me - (very kind it was of you) ..J ~d how there's been some falsehood - for your part, These shirt-studs - (better take them back again, .t Will you engage to pay my passage out, ' J/ And hold your tongue until I'm safe on board? Please, sir)-yes, little did I think so soon :;j A trifle of trick, all through a glass too much ,,:li 60 England's the place, not Boston - no offence! Of his own champagne, would change my best of friends :) I see what makes you hesitate: don't fear! :} I mean to change my trade and cheat no more, Into an angry gentleman! :' ( Yes, this time really it's upon my soul! Be my salvation I - under Heaven, of course. Though, 'twas wrong. ; :• I don't contest the point; your anger's just: I'll tell some queer things. Sixty Vs must do. A trifle, though, to start with! We'll refer Whatever put such folly in my head, ,, 30 I know 'twas wicked of me. There's a thick I' The question to this table? Dusk undeveloped spirit (I've observed) Owes me a grudge - a negro's, I should say, How you're changed! ,.' Or else an Irish emigrant's; yourself Then split the difference; thirty more, we'll say. ., ,a: Ay, but you leave my presents! Else I'll swear Explained the case so well last Sunday, sir, f, When we had summoned Franklin to clear up 70 'Twas all through those: you wanted yours again, :- : So, picked a quarrel with me, to get them back! A point about those shares i' the telegraph: f Ay, and he swore . or might it be Tom Paine? ..• Tread on a worm, it turns, sir! If I turn, Thumping the table close by where I crouched, Your fault! 'Tis you'll have forced me! Who's obliged He'd do me soon a mischief: that's come true! To give up life yet try no self-defence? At all events, I'll run the risk. Eh? 40 Why, now your face clears! I was sure it would! IJ ~ ••, Then, this one time ... don't take your hand away, Done! Through yours I surely kiss your mother's hand ... May I sit, sir? This dear old table, now I Please, sir, a parting egg-nog and cigar! You '11 promise to forgive me? - or, at least, [ ". Tell nobody of this? Consider, sir! I've been so happy with you! Nice stuffed chairs, What harm can mercy do? Would but the shade And sympathetic sideboards; what an end Of the venerable dead-one just vouchsafe 80 To all the instructive evenings! (It's alight.) ·;j, 824 DRAMATIS PERSONAE MR SLUDGE, 'THE MEDIUM' 825 Well, nothing lasts, as Bacon came and said. In plaguy books I've had to dip into, Here goes, - but keep your temper, or I'll scream! Believed gold could ,be made thus, saw it made And made it? Oh, with such philosophers F ol-lol-the-rido-liddle-id dle-ol ! You're on your best behaviour! While the lad­ You see, sir, it's your own fault more than mine; With him, in a trice, you settle likelihoods, It's all your fault, you curious gentlefolk! Nor doubt a moment how he got his prize: You're prigs, - excuse me, - like to look so spry, In his case, you hear, judge and execute, So clever, while you cling by half a claw All in a breath: so would most men of sense. To the perch whereon you puff yourselves at roost, Such piece' of self-conceit as serves for perch 130 But let the same lad hear you talk as grand 90 Because you chose it, so it must be safe. At the same keyhole, you and company, Oh, otherwise you're sharp enough! You spy Of signs and wonders, the invisible world; Who slips, who slides, who holds by help of wing, How wisdom scouts our vulgar unbelief Wanting real foothold, - who can't keep upright More than our vulgarest credulity; On the other perch, your neighbour chose, not you: How good men have desired to see a ghost, There's no outwitting you respecting him! What Johnson used to say, what Wesley did, For instance, men love money- that, you know Mother Goose thought, and fiddle-diddle-dee: - And what men do to gain it: well, suppose Ifhe break in with,' Sir,/ saw a ghost!' A poor lad, say a help's son in your house, Ah, the ways change! He finds you perched and prim; Listening at keyholes, hears the company 140 It's a conceit of yours that ghosts may be: 100 Talk grand of dollars, V-notes, and so forth, There's no talk now of cow-hide. 'Tell it out! .·.• ·· How hard they are to get, how good to hold, Don't fear us! Take your time and recollect I How much they buy, - if, suddenly, in pops he­ Sit down first: try a glass of wine, my boy! 'J've got a V-note ! ' - what do you say to him? And, David, (is not that your Christian name?) ,, :)t"' What's your first word which follows your last kick? Of all things, should this happen twice - it may­ ; ' 'Where did you steal it, rascal?' That's because Be sure, while fresh in mind, you let us know!' He finds you, fain would fool you, off your perch, Does the boy blunder, blurt out this, blab that, '1 ~ i; Not on the special piece of nonsense, sir, Break down in the other, as beginners will? Elected your parade-ground: let him try All's candour, all's considerateness - 'No haste I Lies to the end of the list, - 'He picked it up, 150 Pause and collect yourself! We understand! IIO His cousin died and left it him by will, That's the bad memory, or the natural shock, The President flung it to him, riding by, Or the unexplained phenomena!' An actress trucked it for a curl of his hair, He dreamed ofluck and found his shoe enriched, Egad, He dug up clay, and out of clay made gold' - The boy takes heart of grace; finds, never fear, How would you treat such possibilities? The readiest way to ope your own heart wide, Would not you, prompt, investigate the case Show - what I call your peacock-perch, pet post With cow-hide? 'Lies, lies, lies,' you'd shout: and why? To strut, and spread the tail, and squawk upon! Which of the stories might not prove mere truth? 'Just as you thought, much as you might expect! This last, perhaps, that clay was turned to coin I There be more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,' ... 120 Let's see, now, give him me to speak for him! And so on. Shall not David take the hint, How many of your rare philosophers, 160 Grow bolder, stroke you down at quickened rate? ~:~ {~:_ !L.._ ,t1, ~ - ,· '.,. \;oi. .:~,, 1/ ~, . ;.-?.!.;'\..., ~t' ·;:,. :,_<":;-' 826 DRAMATIS PERSONAE MR SLUDGE, 'THE MEDIUM' 827 Ifhe ruffie a feather, it's' Gently, patiently! ~ Not that duck-under which decides your dive. Manifestations are so weak at first! ! :; ·200 Note this, for it's important: listen why. Doubting, moreover, kills them, cuts all short, f·•.' Cures with a vengeance l' i I'll prove, you push on David till he dives And ends the shivering. Here's your circle, now: There, sir, that's your style! Two-thirds of them, with heads like you their host, You and your boy- such pains bestowed on him, Turn up their eyes, and cry, as you expect, Or any headpiece of the average worth, ! 'Lord, who'd have thought it!' But there's always one To teach, say, Greek, would perfect him apace, Looks wise, compassionately smiles, submits Make him a Person (' Porson?' thank you, sir!) 'Of your veracity no kind of doubt, Much more, proficient in the art of lies.