Aphrodite Strikes Again by Aphrodite

The

Issue xiv Iliad April 1 DCCCXCI In Print

Beauty Tips you’ll fall in love with

Aphrodite strikes again By Aphrodite AL, ONE MUST MIX WHITE LEAD GODDESS TO THE OLIVE OIL TO LIGHTEN THE By Apollo HAVE HEARD THAT THE QUEEN OF STILL ROYALLY IRKED AT ZEUS FOR SKIN. TO LIGHTEN YOUR HAIR GOD THE UNDERWORLD, PERSEPHONE, CHEATING ON ME WITH DEMETER GIRLS, IF YOU WANT TO GLOW LIKE YOU MUST SOAK YOUR HAIR IN WAS TRICKED INTO EATING A POME- AND HAVING PERSEPHONE. HOW- A GODDESS, HERE IS ONE OF MY SE- VINEGAR AND LEMON JUICE. WITNESSES CONFIRM THAT ZEUS, GRANATE OF THE UNDERWORLD. IT EVER, I AM DELIGHTED BY THIS CRETS: USE OLIVE OIL. IT HELPS FOR A FACIAL MASK, USE THE KING OF OLYMPUS, DISAP- HAS BEEN CONFIRMED NOW THAT OUTCOME BECAUSE ZEUS GETS THE WITH HAIR AND SKIN CARE. ADD CROCODILE DUNG. IT’S ANOTHER PROVES OF HIS DAUGHTER’S MAR- BY EATING THE FRUIT OF THE UN- PUNISHMENT THAT HE DESERVES.” A BIT OF SUGAR OR SALT TO HELP WAY TO SOFTEN THE SKIN. RIAGE TO HIS BROTHER HADES, WHO DERWORLD YOU ARE NOW BOUND WE TRIED TO GET MORE STATE- YOUR SKIN BREATHE BETTER. IT LIKE USING OLIVE OIL, TAK- IS THE KING OF THE UNDERWORLD TO THE UNDERWORLD. MENTS, HOWEVER, THE OTHER GODS SOFTENS YOUR SKIN AND MAKES ING A SEAWEED BATH HELPS TO EX- AND THE GOD OF DEATH. HERA, THE QUEEN OF WERE EITHER THEY WERE TOO BUSY YOUR HAIR SILKY SMOOTH. FOLIATE THE SKIN AND MOISTUR- “DAMN YOU, APHRODITE,” OLYMPUS, GAVE US A AN EXCLU- OR REFUSED TO COMMENT ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THE GODDESS IZE IT. ZEUS IS REPORTED TO HAVE CURSED. SIVE INTERVIEW, SAYING, “I AM HADES GOT HIS NEW WIFE. GOLDEN HAIR AND PALE SKIN IDE- “HOW DARE YOU TRICK PERSE- PHONE INTO MARRYING MY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BROTHER HA- DES! THAT DAMN BLACK SHEEP DOESN’T DESERVE HER.” THE UNION OF THESE TWO GODS NOT ONLY ANGERED ZEUS, BUT ALSO HAS CAUSED PERSE- PHONE’S MOTHER, DEMETER THE GODDESS OF CORN, GRAIN, AND THE HARVEST, TO DEVELOP DEPRES- SION, SINCE SHE CAN’T VISIT HER DAUGHTER IN THE UNDERWORLD FREQUENTLY ENOUGH FOR HER OWN LIKING. APHRODITE, THE GODDESS OF LOVE, WAS NOT AVAILABLE; HOW- EVER THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE WE

IT’S NO CONTEST: NARCISSUS WINS COMPETITION FOR MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN Medusa makes King Midas BY NARCISSUS JUST LOOK AT ME!). HOWEVER, 70-MINUTE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH grovel in sculpting contest IMMORTAL THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THERE AT THE CEREMONY, I WANTED TO ISN’T QUITE A LOT OF PREPARA- USE THIS FORUM TO EXPRESS HOW FINALLY, A COMPETITION THAT TION INVOLVED IN THIS YEARLY GRATEFUL I AM FOR BEING JUST By Athena MATTERS. WITH ALL OF THAT GODDESS EVENT. SO, SO GOOD-LOOKING. I WOULD OLYMPICS NONSENSE OUT OF THE CONTEST IS NOT ONLY A ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE NYMPH THE WAY, ALL OF GREECE HAD THE I, ATHENA THE JUDGE, HAVE NEV- TEST OF PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS, ECHO FOR BEING IN ATTENDANCE, CHANCE TO BASK IN THE PRESENCE ER SEEN STONE SCULPTED IN SUCH BUT ALSO ONE OF GRACE. I WAS AND I’M SURE SHE WOULD ALSO OF TRUE BEAUTY AT THE ANNUAL A SENSUAL WAY, SO ALIVE AND SO FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO DISPLAY LIKE TO THANK ME AS WELL FOR GREEK CHIC BEAUTY CONTEST. CHARMING AT THE SAME TIME. SEVERAL NEW POSES THAT I’VE THE EXPERIENCE. I AM NOTHING IF (AND BEFORE YOU ASK, YES, I DID MEDUSA CAPTURED A DEMI- BEEN WORKING ON SINCE LAST NOT GENEROUS. THINK OF THAT NAME MYSELF). I GOD’S TRUE ESSENCE SO WELL: THEIR YEAR’S COMPETITION. THESE POSES I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO IN- AM VERY PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE HEROISM, THEIR FEAR, THEIR PAIN. INCLUDED, BUT WERE NOT LIM- TRODUCE THE LAUNCH OF MY THAT MY NINE-YEAR WINNING IT IS JUST EXQUISITE USING SUCH ITED TO, “THE DISCUS THROWER,” NEW SEMINAR, “SELF-LOVE: A STREAK FINALLY BECAME AN SIMPLE MATERIALS; JUST AMAZ- “THE GRECIAN URN,” AND MY SKIN-DEEP JOURNEY.” I HOPE TO EVEN TEN. ING, JUST INGENIOUS. PERSONAL FAVORITE, “BRINGING SEE MANY OF YOU THERE, BUT IF I AM SURE THAT NONE OF KING MIDAS, ON THE OTH- EROS BACK.” ADONIS, EAT YOUR NOT, I WILL BE THERE REGARDLESS, MY LONG-TIME READERS WILL ER HAND, WAS NOT SO CREATIVE, HEART OUT. AND IN THE END THAT’S ALL THAT BE SURPRISED BY THIS TURN OF OBJECTIFYING WOMEN AND NOT WHILE I DID HAVE THE OP- MATTERS. EVENTS, AND TO BE HONEST, I EXHIBITING THEIR TRUE BEAUTY. PORTUNITY TO GIVE A BRIEF, CAN’T SAY I AM EITHER (I MEAN, THE USE OF GOLD IS SO CHILD- ISH—NO CREATIVITY; IT’S DE- GRADING OF THE SUBJECTS. THERE IS NO BEAUTY IN GOLD. IT IS TOO GAUDY TO BE CALLED ART; THERE IS NO DELICACY. THIS IS WHY THERE IS NO MEA BETTER THAN ODYSSEUS. ALL I SAW WAS UGLY GREED IN KING MIDAS’ GOLDEN SCULPTURES, WHILE I SAW ONLY TRUE TALENT IN MEDUSA’S WORKS OF ART. I DEEM MEDUSA THE WIN- NER OF THE SCULPTING CONTEST. Harry Potter Next Minister of Magic? Page Is “The Boy Who Lived” up to the job? 11

DailyThe ProPhet THE WIZARDING WORLD’S BEGUILING BROADSHEET OF CHOICE Since 1922 aPril 1, 2016 Volume 96 He’s the very best Even Muggles enjoy Quidditch

By Gilderoy Lockhart “Magical Me” is the most By Gertie Goodwin fy the rules. Although the broom ends. If the score is tied, they go amazing outstanding book that has ever Staff Writer serves no function, players are into overtime. been written. required to keep it between their An interesting rule addi- Gilderoy Lockhart is the best au- “Marauding with Monsters” Scared of heights? Broom won’t get legs. tion the Muggles made is the thor in all of history. His 11 books will make you want to read through off the ground? Worried about silly The three Chasers can move “two-minimum” gender rule. Each are riveting, well written, awe-in- the whole night. little things like “broken bones” or the Quaffe down the feld by run- team is required to have at least spiring, stupendous, fantastic, ter- “Travels with Trolls” is a “concussions?” ning with it, passing it, or kicking two people who identify as a gen- rifc, extraordinary, phenomenal, beautiful account of hideous crea- Well don’t worry, you can it. If they get it past the Keeper der different from what at least astounding, spectacular, sexy, and tures. still play Quidditch. through a goal post, it’s worth 10 two other players identify as. Ac- miraculous. “Voyages with Vampires” is The Muggles found out about points. The two Beaters throw the cording to their website, “the IQA The only thing that could a very interesting read. our greatest game and sport some- Bludgers at other players to “knock accepts those who don’t identify possibly outshine his prodigious “Wanderings with Were- how—pointed look at a certain them out.” Since these Bludgers within the binary gender system, skill with a quill, is his brilliant— wolves” is a wonderful bedtime British witch—and decided to not are made of rubber or foam instead and acknowledge that not all of our and perfectly white—smile. Gild- story for youngsters. let their lack of magic prevent them of iron, this is usually not literal. players identify as male or female. ery Lockhart has, of course, been “Year with the Yeti” is a great from playing. Instead of a Snitch they have We welcome people of all identi- awarded “Most Charming Smile” winter tale to warm your heart. In 2005, a group of Middle- a “Snitch runner,” a person dressed ties and genders into our league.” fve times in a row by “Witch Simply put, every book writ- bury College (Vt.) students got to- in yellow with a ball (the Snitch) The IQA hosts or sanctions Weekly.” ten by Gilderoy Lockhart is amaz- gether for a casual game of Muggle attached to their waistband. Their around 25 events per year, includ- “Break with a Banshee” is ing. Quidditch. One player brought a job is to avoid capture by the Seek- ing nine regional championships, simply a must-have for your book- Between his always-shining lamp instead of a broom; those cra- er. If the Seeker catches the Snitch International Open, QuidCon, shelf. hair, his witch-wooing smile, and zy Muggles, eh? Within a month their team wins 30 points, instead Global Games, and the World Cup. “Gadding with Ghouls” his way with words, it seems safe they had organized an intramural of the usual 150, and the game Membership is open to teams and makes a great gift for the entire to say that Gilderoy Lockhart is the tournament. Five years later the In- individuals of any country and age family. pride and joy of the British Isles. ternational Quidditch Association group. World Cup VII will be held “Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide He should most defnitely be voted (IQA) was born. at North Myrtle Beach, S.C. April to Household Pests” makes han- the next Minister of Magic, and he Muggles have not yet fgured 5-6 this year. dling annoying critters a breeze. deserves an Order of Merlin, frst out how to make their brooms and For more information, visit “Holidays with Hags” is a class. balls fy and move about on their v www.iqaquidditch.com. heartwarming tale. own, so they have had to modi- Quodpot: the American sport Ways to avoid getting killed at Hogwarts By Anna Levitate exploding. If they succeed they Staff Writer gain a point and a new Quod is brought out. If the Quod explodes By E. W. Antheer in avoiding the problem altogeth- around, the next time a ghost caus- Quidditch has been growing in while in the possession of a play- Staff Writer er, there is a petition going around es you to go into cardiac arrest, popularity here in the States, but er the player leaves the feld. The to have the stairs cemented down your buddy can alert the nearest remember: Quodpot will always game continues until one team has You've probably noticed by now, to solve the problem completely. professor. Forgot the password to be our main sport. no more players. there are plenty of ways to meet an (Dumbledore, if you’re reading get into your House? Chances are Quodpot was invented by Although there is usually a unfortunate end at Hogwarts. this, we know you can use your you buddy might know it. Please Abraham Peasegood in the 18th player that protects their team’s We here at The Daily Prophet magic to fx this. We’d really ap- note, you should never write down century. Peasegood had brought pot, there is no designated Keeper. want to help you survive your years preciate it if you did.) the password to your appointed a Quaffe with him from England Likewise, there are no Beaters or here so that you can pass your House in case you lose it and it falls and it had come into contact with Seekers in offcial matches. Some N.E.W.T.S. with fying colors. Here The Doors into the wrong hands. his wand during the trip. When he people like to add a Snitch to am- are just a few tips from a long list of This tip is pretty simple; if took it out and started throwing it ateur matches to increase the dif- ways to not get killed at Hogwarts. you come across an unfamiliar Professor Snape around, it exploded in his face. fculty. This is generally agreed to closed door, DO NOT OPEN IT. Unless you’re in Slytherin, Possessing a good sense of be unnecessary and often results in The Stairs Chances are there’s a murderous Professor Snape hates you. The humor, Peasegood immediately exploded Snitches. Just when you thought stairs three-headed dog behind it, or sooner you accept this, the better. set out to recreate the effect. In no The Simmons Quodpot team were bad enough in the Muggle worse. Think curiosity killed that Try your best to stay on his “good time at all he and his friends had has done very well for themselves world, what with their exhaus- cat but satisfaction brought it back? side” by only speaking when spo- forgotten all about Quidditch and this year, coming in second during tive climbing, here at Hogwarts Nope. No amount of satisfaction ken to, not messing up your potions invented a new game. the regionals. “We had a fantastic they move and shift about. It is will bring you back from a maul- too badly, and by not being asso- Each team has 11 players that team this year,” said Coach Cru- impertinent that each student is ing. ciated with with anything or any- throw the Quod down the feld in mumble. “The season may be over, hyper-aware while climbing the one with any connection to Harry an attempt to get into the “pot,” a but we’ll continue training hard stairs. Simply trying to run up and The Forbidden Forest Potter. small cauldron that contains the over the summer and return stron- down them in a hurry can result in Just don’t go there. It’s that Should you some how man- solution to prevent the Quod from ger than ever.” a fatal fall when you reach the last easy. There’s a reason it’s called age to get on his bad side, which step and all of a sudden your foot the “Forbidden Forest” and it’s be- is very easy to do, simply play is stepping into a wide open space. cause nearly everything that dwells opossum if you feel he is about to When reaching the top or within it wants to kill you. do something unspeakable to you. bottom of a staircase before a land- And don’t bother trying to under- ing, pause for a moment and make The Buddy System stand Snape. The rumors going extra sure the stairs are not about Now that you’ve mastered around about his foul disposition to move. Should the stairs decide the stairs, you are now free to are simply that: rumors. I mean House Points that no, you won’t be getting any- move about the castle. However, come on, scorned by his true love where on time, and move, make you may not wish to do so on your years ago? We all know he’s inca- sure that you are holding on frmly own. Have a heart condition, and pable of love! Gryffndor Huffepuff to the railing. If you’re interested are easily surprised? With a buddy

30 10 In Memoriam

Ravenclaw Slytherin a c l o K L h10 20 You-Know-Who is back, in America t has been several years since grained himself in American yell at and insult each other for Ithe Battle of Hogwarts, and Muggle politics. He is attempting a few months before one of them although the Ministry of Magic to install himself as the Muggle is eventually crowned as what insists that You-Know-Who was version of a minister of magic. they call a ‘Mr. President.’ Te killed once and for all, today, the “Tose American muggles Mr. President is then imprisoned Quibbler can exclusively report have an absolutely chaotic sys- in a white house for four years, that, despite Ministry assuranc- tem of government,” said lead- and is in charge of all the lesser es otherwise, the Dark Lord has ing Muggle Studies expert Jonas politicians. It’s apparently a very once again returned. MacJones. “I don’t know how important position.” Having apparently given up on they get anything done over You-Know-Who has apparent- overtaking the wizarding world, there. Every four years a bunch of ly gathered quite a large follow- You-Know-Who has now set ‘politicians’—which are, as far as ing of muggles as he travels the his sights on domination of the I can tell, a special type of mug- country giving speeches under Muggle world. gle who are especially dim-wit- the pseudonym ... CONTINUED It is reported that he has en- ted—break into two groups and ON PAGE 5: SEE MR. PRESIDENT

- Chocolate Frogs:

Made with Real Frog Chocolate Frogs, which shot to the top of the candy he beloved candy brand “Chocolate Frogs” has recently T charts quickly after their release, have been a staple in fallen under investigation by the Ministry of Magic for households for years. failing to comply with health standards. mustache. Mrs. Mrs. mustache. Their highly collectible cards, which include famous drills. He was a was He drills. Although the offcial reason for the investigation has

hardly any neck, neck, any hardly witches and wizards such as Albus Dumbledore, Harry although he did firm called Grun

Dursley was thin thin was Dursley not been released, eye-witnesses have come forward with

nings, which made Potter, Hermione Granger, and Kingsley Shacklebolt, have big, beefy man with with man beefy big, have a very large large very a have shocking evidence that the hopping cocoa treat we all made the confection a favorite among children and adults know and love gets the spring in its step from a previously alike. top-secret ingredient: living frogs. “Of course I’m going to keep stocking them,” said Am- Our source, who has asked to remain anonymous for brosius Flume, owner of Hogsmeade candy store Honey- safety reasons, came forward after he discovered this dukes. “I’m sure they’re not made with real frogs, but even unlisted ingredient during his time as a factory employee. if they were they’re such a big seller that I’d keep buying “I seen it with my own two eyes,” he said. “They was them anyways. Those things could be made of 100% gen- dipping them froggies in chocolate, boxing them up, and uine bullfrog with no chocolate in sight and kids would sending them on their way. And I ain’t just sayin’ this be- keep on grabbing them off the shelves,” ... CONTINUED ON cause they fred me for walking around without my shoes

such nonsense. PAGE 7 : See Frogs or mysterious, or shirt or pants on. It’s the honest-to-Merlin truth.” Mr. Dursley was was Dursley Mr. because they just just they because the director of a of director the didn’t hold with with hold didn’t Read these runes upside down to Read these runes upside to be involved in in involved be to people you’d expect expect you’d people anything strange strange anything sieve sieve which once sat in the headmasters ofce pen valuable highly the breaking with sited also is he clumsy; notoriously as reported Longbottom, is Neville professor Herbology Hogwarts of son the is who Longbottom, ner of the Ravenclaw house table. still wearing the hat, which caught on the cor while tripped Longbottom, Calvin student, a ripped was unfortunately beyond repair when school, the of creation the since houses into years frst sorting been has which hat, The student. its last sorted fnally has Hat Sorting Hogwarts the I New SortingNew at Ceremony Hogwarts - t is with great sadness that we report that report we that sadness great with is t the last ley, of number that they were were they that much. They were were They much. thank you very very you thank perfectly normal, normal, perfectly Mr. and Mrs. Durs

were proud to say four, Privet Drive, Drive, Privet four,

Unlock the secret: Unlock reveal a spell to turn your fingernails into green olives reveal a spell

Snorkack See : 13 C page on ontinued

the warm climates of South American rainforests...... rainforests. American South of climates warm the nonexistent, is a shy creature that lives hidden away in in away hidden lives that creature shy a is nonexistent,

- -

The Snorkack, which has long been dismissed as as dismissed been long has which Snorkack, The

ready for a change.” ... change.” a for ready sat I’ve interesting just ceremonies,I’m sorting many so through troll. a wrestle be years frst would watch to it “Although wick. Flit Filius professor Charms said method,” eeny,meeny the of fan a I’m “Personally miney, moe.” out of a hat, wrestling a troll, or “Eeny, meeny, rabbit a pull to students asking include ation consider under currently Options students. divide to methods new of number a tigating inves reportedly are professors Hogwarts at Hogwarts. See

perts have projected the beast to have,” Lovegood said. said. Lovegood have,” to beast the projected have perts

Sorting HatSorting - ex Snorkack leading that placement molar and size

teeth markings that matched up exactly with the jaw jaw the with exactly up matched that markings teeth

“I found a partly masticated mandrake root with with root mandrake masticated partly a found “I

And what is this proof, you might ask? ask? might you proof, this is what And

deep in the Amazon rainforest.” Amazon the in deep ed,” said Lovegood. “I fnally found the proof hidden hidden proof the found fnally “I Lovegood. said ed,”

ONTINUED exist creatures beautiful these known always “I’ve

renowned naturalist Luna Lovegood. Luna naturalist renowned

has fnally been uncovered in the forests of Brazil by by Brazil of forests the in uncovered been fnally has

D efnitive evidence of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack Snorkack Crumple-Horned the of evidence efnitive

ON Found! Snorkack PAGE 8: - - -

The Pirated Press Ships for Sail

News from around the map

By Maddy Longwell Staff Writer

31,000 Dubloons S.S. Buccaneer Previously owned by Captain Thatcher Eaglesmith

76,999 Dubloons 30ft. x 11.6ft S.S. Wavespotter

Beard catches fre in attempt to Pirate mistakes scavenger hunt Pirate Ship Now with indoor go viral Local pirate ship stolen in Bos- for treasure Plumbing ton Harbor In an attempt to gain attention and A local pirate arrived onshore this The frst pirate ship with indoor internet fame, norotious pirate Boston pirate Cliff “Cutthroat”’ weekend after spotting treasure plumbing was unveiled in Tokyo Silver-Eye Barton lit his beard on Tyde discovered his ship to be he thought to be buried beneath a this week. Japanese pirates are the fre Friday. The incident, which missing Tuesday night after re- palm tree. After making it to land frst to depart from the outhouse was cuaght on flm on his iPhone, turning from another frenzied and digging up the treasure, he bathrooms traditionally found on The Black Pearl was also spotted by locals pass- search for treasure. discovered that what was thought pirate ships. 111,999 Dubloons “I was in such a rush to reach the ing O’Rourke’s ship, which was to be gold was actually just plas- “This is a really exciting advance- Previously owned by Jack Sparrow docked on shore nearby. treasure frst, I must have forgotten tic fake treasure planted for a local ment in technology” says Ameri- to lock up” he told local offcials. children’s scavenger hunt. can pirate Gregory Rattlebones. There are no leads yet on the investigation, though offcials suspect the thief probably headed south. Pirated Movies for Sale By Brittany Abuhoff Staff Writer Simmons crew Local pirate tows in pirates baby born

By: Brittany Abuhoff saw tall buildings on both sides Maddy Longwell ly, within a week, Seamus had Staff Writer of the river, I knew we were shark Staff Writer begun develop at a rate far bait,” said O’Bludgeon. faster than the average child. The Simmons rowing team 2V Piers and her crew pulled up Mr.and Mrs. Rattlebones are cel- “Just last week, I was eight crew reportedly saw a pi- on the starboard side of the pirate ebrating the birth of their frst putting to bed and he said “Mid-day in Paris” rate ship while doing a workout ship and attached a tether cord child, Seamus, who was born last his frst word: argh” his fa- going up stream on the Charles from the stern of the scull to the It’s basically the same week on April 1. ther, Mr. Rattlebones said. “ River. bow of the pirate ship. movie, just entirely in daylight. “We were passing by the Har- “It made the workout hard- The Rattlebones’—who Argh” replied Seamus vard-Radcliffe boathouse when er,” said , Jean Corduroy ’18, of moved to town permanently last when asked for comment. we saw an old ship with a bunch the extra 10,000 pounds they summer after spending nearly As excited as the Rat- of old bearded guys on it,” said needed to pull. “We needed to ten years at sea—were look- tlebones’s are for their Britney S. Piers, a frst-year do more sprints than Coach Nik ing forward to raising Seamus son, they are still adjust- coxswain, “No one else wanted originally told us to do.” on land as a “normal child.” ing to life as pirate parents. to help them, so I yelled ‘way The eight-person team It became evident immedi- “We were really hoping he would be a normal child,” enough’ to my crew and told rowed themselves and the pirate ately upon birth that this would them to check their blades in the ship back to the Riverside Boat- confessed Mrs. Rattlebones. not be the case. Seamus was born The Rattlebones’ moved water.” house, where the Simmons Crew at high tide with a hook hand Captain Rusty O’Blud- team has its headquarters. to the mainland last year af- and eye path. “I didn’t know eye ter years of work at sea. Al- geon captained the pirate ship At press time, the pirates patches grew in the womb” said Neptune’s Treasure, which took were safe and were planning though Seamus is displaying the nurse who delivered Seamus. early signs of being a pirate, his a wrong turn on its route to the to take a plane from the Boston After the birth, Seamus Caribbean. Logan Airport to Aruba’s Queen parents hope to enroll him in “The Great Gatsby” and his mothered returned on “Son of a biscuit! When I Beatrix International Airport. pre-school in the coming years. I know it looks like the board to recover. Surprising- 1974 version, but if you look close enough, that is Leonardo DiCaprio. Volume 616 Issue -5 PARKER ABANDONS JOURNALISM IN PURSUIT OF BURGEONING WEB DEVELOPMENT CAREER By Peter Parker Photography Also By Peter Parker

After years of dedicated contributions to journalism, longtime contributor Peter Parker has announced his resignation, reportedly in order to pursue a career in web development. When asked about his seemingly sudden shift in career path, Parker shrugged noncommittally. “Part of my job right now is fnding pictures of Spiderman, but I think that in this day and age, crowdsourcing is one of the best ways to approach this issue,” Parker said. He then added under his breath, “It’s not as if Spiderman has a convenient Instagram.” In constrast to journalism, salaries in computer science are routinely high, which may have factored into Parker’s decision. “It’s more of a gut feeling than something I analyzed,” Parker said of his abrupt change in career. “There’s just something about the web that I’m really drawn to. I can’t explain it.” Parker has long been renowned for his per- sistence in searching for the city’s enigmatic arachnid hero Spiderman, whose true identity remains a secret, and in all probability will stay unrevealed for the rest of the foreseeable future, especially since Parker will be abandon- ing his assignment. “Someone else will probably take over the job,” Parker said. “I wish them the best of luck.” Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson could not be reached for comment, because no one tried to fnd him. CALENDAR ‘Careless Whisper’ downloads surge IN BRIEF By Lois Lane “Downloads are just skyrocket- Go Green with the An Actually Competent Writer ing,” Ek said. “I mean, it’s cra- Batman, Superman Hulk — Sat. 3 p.m. zy. Even Ed Sheeran didn’t get this What’s the biggest new craze in Me- much playtime, and suddenly this resolve squabble via Yoga Retreat with tropolis? To almost everyone’s sur- song from the 80s is making up the impassioned rock-pa- prise, it’s frosted hair tips and majority of our revenue. And I’ve Sportsmaster — all saxophone solos. got to admit, this Deadpool charac- per-scissors battle day Sun. For the frst time since 1985, ter has got taste.” royale “Careless Whisper” has again reached But streaming services aren’t Robin’s Sidekick the coveted top spot of Billboard the only ones beneftting from the Support Group — 100. The song’s revival has been at- song’s surge. Skuggs Saint-Clair, Quicksilver called Mon. 8 p.m. tributed to the more frequent ap- a local saxophone instructor, has pearances of the enigmatic Deadpool. seen increased interest in his to court over dozens Apparently in an effort to make the school of music, and several hair aing charges; Flash The Care and Keep- single his theme song, the “Merc salons have reported out-the-door ing of Your Super- with a Mouth” has taken to carrying queues of customers waiting to re- to testify hero with Alfred a small boom box and blasting the quest the “George Michael” or the Pennyworth — Tues. song wherever he goes. “Andrew Ridgeley.” When asked to comment further, 10 a.m. (First part Deadpool explained his choice of song simply: “Look, Superman has Deadpool responded, “What else do Steve Rogers takes of an 8-week series) a theme song, Batman has a theme you need to know?” as he slowly in- song, that X-Men animated series creased the volume on his boombox. vacation, becomes Law, Morality, and had a theme song...hell, even the He then produced a slightly worn Lieutenant-Colonel the Vigilante — (obscenity) Teenage Mutant Ninja polaroid photograph of Michael and Wed. 7 p.m. (Led by Turtles have a sweet song. Really, Ridgeley, whispered, ‘Wham!’ and Canada I’m just trying to bring back the slipped it into the breast pocket Foggy Nelson) best parts of the best decade of of this reporter’s coat. all time.” “You can hold on to that, sweet- Poison Ivy, Groot What Does the Win- In a video conference earlier heart. I have plenty more where that establish community ter Soldier Do in today, Spotify’s CEO Daniel Ek ad- came from,” he added before dis- July? — Thu. 5:30 dressed the renewed popularity of appearing. This reporter does not garden downtown p.m. the classic George Michael song. doubt the truth of that statement.

Predicting the weather with Dr. Quinn joins the Ivy League OPINION Ororo Munroe The alias and the internet: how to remain anonymous Page Page in a digital age...page 13 4 19 Princess Prince Charming wins 2016 “Sexiest Man Alive” award Brittany Abuhoff with the most chiseled, lean bodies?” said Matthew Adams, Enter- Staff Writer tainment Director. Princess Magazine released Mon- Other past winners of this day that Prince Charming, 34, of distinguished honor include Chan- the Enchanted Wood is this year’s ning Tatum and Chris Hemsworth. “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Gosh. I can’t believe I won Charming, known for saving this award. What an honor,” said princesses with “true love’s first Charming, looking at himself in a kiss,” is one of four other non-ac- mirror. “I knew my naturally mus- tors to win the award since its cular, fit physique would get me debut. The others include John F. somewhere someday.” Kennedy, Adam Levine, and David To find out more about this Beckham. The award was first giv- year’s Sexiest Man Alive, pick up en in 1985 to actor Mel Gibson. the new issue of Princess on news- “There are so many awards stands early next week. Charming out there. There are awards for is also holding a meet and greet at talented actors, awards for philan- Disney World Magic Kingdom’s thropists, and awards for people Cinderella’s Castle in Orlando, high up in their fields. We at Prin- Florida on Saturday. cess thought, why not award those Tink...the same pixie since Heat wave in Arendelle Siobhan Kenneally Activists urge Queen Elsa to adjust her mood and cool the tem- Contributing Writer perature. A spokesperson for the 1953...we can assure you Climate change is a global concern, palace has released a statement in response to growing outrage. The Katie Donohue Pan star was only seen in the bulge changed drastically. Holding Tin- but nowhere is it more prevalent of computer animation beginning ker Bell responsible for how she than in the Scandinavian kingdom official wrote, “Queen Elsa and Staff Writer in 2008. used to act sixty-three years ago of Arendelle. Princess Anna recognize the apparent issue caused by the current Tinker Bell the Pixie Hollow We must remind fans, how- is to undermine the struggles of Experts name Queen Elsa warm spell. However, their majes- sweetheart, has come under recent ever, that a lot of technology has women in the film industry who as a key contributor. The ruler re- ties insist the citizens of Arendelle fire. The writers here at Princess changed between 1953 and 2008. fought so hard for speaking, and cently entered a phase of self-dis- be more open to the heat.” Magazine would normally never It’s not that she changed, it’s just non-pixie-dust-sprinkling roles. covery and, with the help of her The official concluded, “The bring any attention to such a poor- that the cameras capturing her Still not convinced? Think- sister Princess Anna, embraced sisters are quite content and the ly constructed conspiracy theory changed. You wouldn’t shout “con- ing that regardless of who is cur- her magical powers. Queen Elsa kingdom is at peace with its neigh- from pseudo-fans with too much spiracy” at Lucille Ball or Judy rently Tinker Bell, she is unfairly and Arendelle have since enjoyed bors. Queen Elsa will not force time on their hands. Garland for suddenly being seen in forced to play a happier character, happiness and prosperity. herself to become angry or upset We are making an exception, color, would you? It’s basically the undermining the freedom to show Unfortunately, a heat wave at this time.” however, because the theory that same thing. her personality in 1953? Wonder- also continues to grip the kingdom. The palace has invited those Tinker Bell died in 2004 has been Another bit of “evidence” for ing if a fairy can live that long? The northern region has especially now unemployed to work at the given a lot of attention recently. this claim is that the “original” Shouting that Tinker Bell had suffered. The primary product of new theme park in the city center. She was apparently killed the same Tinker Bell used to be silent, glow, earned to stay in retirement? A the region is ice. With all bodies of The park includes a palace made of year as pop star Avril Ramona and shed a fair amount of pixie dust deliver in the less-popular theory water completely melted, hundreds ice and talking snowmen. Lavigne allegedly was. Both were wherever she went. This is “such a that Tinker Bell was given such a are out of work. allegedly replaced by a look alike contrast” between her characteris- poor retirement fund that she was to continue their careers. tics seen ever since her reclaim to practically forced to seek work Princess is going to shut fame in the late 2000s. again to live? down this Tinker Bell theory once The writers of Princess Well, the writers of Princess and for all. would like to remind the conspir- have a message for you: mind your Believers in the theory point aciststs that societal standards of own business. out that “all of a sudden” the Peter women, especially actresses, have 1953 2008 2009 2010

2011 2012 2014 2015 Villain

The secret behind Malefcent’s stunning eyelids and “pointy” look

Cruella De Vil launching Kronk pulls wrong lever for the last time new clothing line Katie Donohue ing anxiously to get another chance to speak out and orga- Staff Writer nize an effort. It’s not secret that Cruella De Surprising all, Cruella De Vil has gotten flack for her Vil announced a new faux fur clothing lines in the past. Her line instead of another antici- Dalmatian puppy coat trend in pated animal fur line. Many the early ’60s led to protests rumors were pointing toward outside of its factories, and rabbit fur. splashes of red paint on the “I still want to protest,” red carpet launch. A success- Lisa R, an activist, told Vil- fully organized boycott kept lain. “Maybe our organization the De Vil business from ever will figure she’s faking it, and fully taking off. still boycott the line. Who Many animal rights ac- knows.” tivists and children of the previous protestors were wait-

Harry Donnell to its exclusive list of famous rest of his life. This will make villain last words. showering, turning the lights Staff Writer “I’m so sorry,” Kronk told on and off, and other daily ac- Local villain sidekick and culi- reporters, sobbing into the tivities very difficult. nary enthusiast, Kronk, made spinach puffs he had offered Emperor Kuzco was not an incredible mistake this to them. “Every other time I available for comment, and Tuesday. He pulled the wrong pulled the wrong lever, some- his public relations team, lever, which sent four-time Vil- thing funny happened and we comprised of two llamas and lain of the Year nominee Yzma all went on our ways but this a peasant named Pacha, in- plummeting to her death in a time...I’m sorry, I have to go.” sist that he did not at all do a spike pit. Villain Magazine is Kronk has sworn off cocky dance and shout “boo- proud to announce the addi- of pulling any levers or le- yeah!” upon hearing the grave tion of “Wrong lever, Kronk” ver-shaped objects for the news.

Lost your best guy to your worst enemy? HENCHMEN-R-US Come visit us and we can replace even the smartest sidekick! FOR A LIMITED TIME! BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!!! The News on Sesame Street Big Bird Has a Drought continues on the Sunny Side Good Day of the Street By Sim Guppy will wither away, and the grass Staff Writer won’t be as green. The friends of Sesame Unfortunate news about the Street are hard at work trying environment pervades even to combat the drought. “Our the happiness of Sesame home is so beautiful!” says Street: a drought continues to resident superhero Grover. impact the Sunny Side of the Elmo nods emphatically and Street. The drought slowly Count von Count chimes in seeks to take over the Sunny with calculations to help con- Side of the Street, much to the serve water to provide mois- despair of Elmo, Grover, and ture to the Sunny Side of the friends. We can only see rain- Street. clouds twice a week, but for “Roughly three buckets the past few months, even that of water per day will be need- number has gone down. ed,” says the Count, with a Experts predict that rain- very serious face. His fnger fall will continue to decrease traces the calculations in the as the year goes on. By the end air as he thinks through them. of the summer, it will only rain “Yes, I believe we will each once a month; by winter, even have to give three buckets of less. In about a year, the Sun- water per day to the Sunny ny Side of the Street may only Side of the Street.” see rain once every couple of months. The bright fowers

By Sim Guppy ly for long. He bumped into Grover, which of Staff Writer course was a very fun surprise. “It seemed that I was going to see all my The sun is shining, the grass is green, and all friends today!” He exclaimed. “Nothing makes is right in the world. The scent of spring is in me happier than being able to hug everyone.” the air and Big Bird is feeling it too. His bright It seems Grover was just as happy to see yellow feathers shone brighter in the sun and his friend. “I was not surprised to see Big Bird ruffed with the wind, which perked his spirits out with the sun,” he proclaimed. “I got to hug right up. him, and hugging friends is my favorite thing “Beautiful weather always makes me to do!” happy,” he shared with a big smile on his face. Big Bird’s good day continued with a “I knew in the morning that today was going to lunchtime expedition with Elmo. The fast- be a great day!” talking, energetic red friend kept him company After he woke up and chirped good while he munched down some yummy cook- morning to the sun, he shared a delicious break- ies of a different kind. It seems, however, that fast of chocolate chip cookies with his friend not everyone was having a great day. Though the Cookie Monster. Of course, one cannot eat Big Bird was happy and smiling, eating cook- chocolate chip cookies without a warm glass of ies and hugging friends, Oscar the Grouch just milk! could not crack a smile. Crossing his arms and Afterwards, both he and the Cookie Mon- glaring into the distance, he shared, “the sun ster enjoyed a walk in the warm sunshine. isn’t really shining for me. It’s so unfair that Big Skipping down the street, they waved hello Bird can have a good day but not me!” Oscar is to friends such as Count von Count and Bert. truly upset about his bad day. Hopefully, Big Though Big Bird and Cookie Monster parted Bird can spread his cheer and sunshine into Os- ways right before lunch, Big Bird wasn’t lone- car’s day! Bert and Ernie: Are they gay? p.A6 APRIL 31, 2046 VOLUME 334 ISSUE 9 wedding! IN MEMORIAM By Admiral Jillybean Contributing Fan

The United Federation of Planets is pleased to announce the mar- riage of Captain James T. Kirk, of Riverside, Iowa, and Mr. Spock, of Vulcan. The two met upon their mu- tual assignment aboard the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701, where they led a five-year mission wherein they explored new worlds, sought out a new life together, and boldly went down the aisle. Solo’S Fan inStagram Many famous faces were in attendance, including Khan By Elaiza Onna Noonien Singh, who was noted Contributing Fan to have claimed that he was dis- appointed that the reception meal A few days ago the Resistance was not chilled, as he found it to gained another victory in the Bat- be a dish best served cold. tle of Starkiller Base. Many brave The two plan to honeymoon a wa lk er in la men and women risked their lives on Risa and plan to continue to to protect the innocent from the raise their beloved dog, Picard, forces of the First Order. together aboard the Enterprise for LUKE SKYWALKER INVENTS NEW, Though this was a victory, many years to come. we lost many great warriors in the battle. MORE POWERFUL LIGHTSABER Han Solo, though not en- By Madhi Vaandt walker would have been able to to a sleeker look that is simulta- tirely an image of morality, was a SEND StaFF reporter print 200 and counting profes- neously classic and cutting-edge. hero in many ways. He knew the sional portraits. The new weapon also has a wider importance of the Resistance and YOUR Many rumors have encircled the Sources among the Resis- blade emission than the Kylo Ren the evil of the dark side. Han Solo disappearance of Jedi Luke Sky- tance have indicated that Sky- model, which is quickly falling risked his life in this fateful bat- walker, and we may have finally walker also left behind a map out of favor in the (admittedly tle to stop those forces. STORY discovered the answer—at least of some kind, but the existence small) lightsaber market. Of par- He did what many of us may in part—in the form of a newer, of such a map has yet to be con- ticular interest is the expansion of not have been strong enough to do. He showed love toward a son who TO US more powerful lightsaber. firmed. Earlier this week, how- the hilt to accommodate a larger Skywalker has been removed betrayed him and his family and ever, Skywalker shocked the power source. had hope that it was not too late to from the public eye for years, and universe when he sent a represen- Aside from inquiries re- bring him home. even his closest allies are uncer- tative back to D’Qar to introduce garding the unique design, howev- That hope that a lost son is tain of his location—though not the latest in weapons engineering. er, the appearance of this lightsa- not really lost powered Han Solo for lack of trying. Since his dis- The lightsaber delivery was ac- ber raises an important question: to confront Kylo Ren with a vul- appearance, Skywalker’s only companied only by a scrawled note Who is to wield Skywalker’s cre- nerability that was taken advan- contact with other sentient beings from Skywalker, which outlined ation, if not the man himself? tage of. Han Solo lost his life that has consisted of the cryptic, pas- the specs of the device, as well as Skywalker’s representative, a day with a love only a father could sive-aggressive messages he has some words of reassurance for his young woman known only as Rey, have. scattered across the galaxy. Such old friends while he cements his offered only a rather sly smile The body of Han Solo fell into the weaponry of Starkiller messages have ranged from graf- record for longest intergalactic when posed with this question fiti in the bathroom stalls of var- Base and could not be retrieved by game of hide-and-seek. and refused to comment further his companions. ious cantinas on Jakku to signed Though crossguards have on the whereabouts of the elusive But the memory and spirit headshots of a much younger become increasingly common re- Jedi. She indicated only that he of Han Solo will live on among Luke. cently, lightsaber connoisseurs is “hard at work” on many “very his family and friends. Investigators have not yet have long predicted that the ad- important, very confidential proj- Rey, a close friend, provid- been able to date these photo- ditions would be a passing trend. ects.” ed a few words for us: “He had an graphs, nor have they been able In line with these predictions, air about him that made you feel to determine when or where Sky- Skywalker’s design reverts back protected. He didn’t show it easily, but he did care.” A closed funeral service was AN OPEN LETTER TO BEN ORGANA-SOLO held earlier today in the private offices of General Organa, includ- Going through puberty when you are almost 30 years old is no easy ing only those closely acquainted task. A lot of changes come with growing up, but hiding your acne with with Han Solo. A public funeral a mask is not a sustainable solution, and while following in the family service will be announced to hon- business of Jedihood is more than laudable, the red lightsaber is really or Han Solo and the other brave unnecessary at this point. warriors lost in the battle. The There is also an enormous mess in your room, and I refuse to service will be held on D’Qar by clean it. I have other important things to do, such as running a success- the Resistance. ful resistance movement. Whenever you are finished pretending to be a Further information will be “knight,” there are plenty of chores waiting for you. provided within the week. Love, Your mother, who kept you from dying during your youth WEATHER SCIENCE 7 OPINION 34 MONDAY W TUESDAY E WEDNESDAY S THURSDAY C FRIDAY L SATURDAY B SUNDAY P CARE & KEEPING OF YOUR WOOKIEE WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO GO BACK TO JAKKU? Is Your House A Portal to Hell? Weekly Weird A quiz by Coraline Jones You’ve moved into a new house and it’s time to fgure out if all of the trouble was worth it or what. Answer the following questions to fnd out if your new residence is normal, crummy, or a literal portal to hell.

1. BEHIND THE WALLPAPER IS… A. The wall. April 1, 2016 B. More wallpaper, but it’s chipped, dirty, and kinda slimy. You NEWS can see the rotting wood wall underneath. A student-operated newspaper for the future paranormal invesigators of America. C. A small locked door that a breeze comes through at night. There is a brick wall behind the door.

How to be a Paranormal Ally 2. CATS AROUND YOUR HOUSE… A. Aren’t around often but, when they are, they ignore you. By J. Fenton and N. Babcock B. Live on the porch, and cozy up to you. You think the last neigh- Staff Writers bor fed strays everyday.

Paranormal allyship is at an all-time low after so-called ghost-based disasters and incidents in C. Stare into your window at night, mewing softly and possibly the area. Ghosts need our support now more than ever. speaking in English. How about instead of blaming every problem, every mysteriously appearing crater downtown on ghosts, we talk through our issues as a community and seek active solutions? Spread- 3. DOLLS… ing hatred of ectoplasmic citizens does nothing but blind us to the real, or corporeal, if you’ll forgive the joke, problems in our lives. A. Are always where they should be, which is nowhere. It is certainly true that some ghosts can cause harm. However, this is not necessarily what B. There’s a couple but they’re all your mom’s. She collects them they aim to do. Diffculty with foating objects, various ectoplasmically-projected, reali- and it’s only a normal amount of weird. ty-warping images, and other oddities can be slowed and halted through mediation provided by local paranormal psychologists and mediums. There may be another side to the story, C. Appear without warning and look like you. something that can help you understand the fying kitchen knives, bleeding walls, and nightly screaming. You never know, someone you love might even be a ghost! 4. KEYS AND BUTTONS… Educate yourself on our ghostly neighbors. They’re everywhere you are and they just want to live their afterlife in peace! A. There’s a few of them in the junk drawer. You know what they are and what they go to the moment you bother looking at them. B. Someone who used to live there left her old car keys on the hook as well as some old sewing supplies behind the bathroom mirror. Where did she put her toothpaste? Keys you don’t recognize are everywhere and you keep fnding Dear Editor: C. old buttons under your bed. While I respect the principles for which this newspaper stands, as I respect most newspapers with some semblance of journalistic integrity, I cannot help but respectfully disagree with the notions IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY... presented within its pages. Anyone with good sense innately knows that ghosts and other non-corporeal creatures do not exist within A. You’ve got a normal place, nice job! this realm, or any other for that matter. All this talk of the so-called B. Plan on moving in a year, but it’s livable. “cryptid” infestation is nothing but balderdash. I am not convinced Get out. that the term “cryptid: is even an entirely valid word in the English C. language.

That being said, I will not openly discourage believers of this phenomenon, as I am not one to disillusion them in their thinking. I merely wish to express my views to a candid world, and let the Shaggy Rogers’ guide to mystery hunting self care chips fall where they may. By Shaggy Rogers Very sincerely yours, Contributing Writer N. Drew So, I see a lot of articles on here about, like, hunting spooks and spirits and junk. That’s great and all, but at the end of the day (and also, like, the beginning of the day and the whole thing, really), it’s more about making it out alive than seeing some dude dipped in Dear N. Drew: phosphorus. Shaggy Rogers is here to deliver the news about keeping it real, safety style. While I respect your opinon, I cannot stand by and watch my paper be slandered like this. My entire family has dedicated their lives Never not eat to paranormal research and I, too, am planning to follow in their noble, weird footsteps and live the lonely life of the Paranormal You know what they say, when the chips are down, eat a bag of chips! And some pizza, Expert. A life which you, N. Drew, revile. and a sandwich, and…. Okay, back to business. Monster hunting takes up a ton of juice and you gotta give your People say that you cannot explain the unexplained, but cryptozo- body some of that juice back. If you have to choose in between putting an extra rope trap ology and other paranormal felds are sciences that deserve respect. or some Scooby Snacks in your bag, you’ll never regret those Scooby Snacks. But when In several other dimensions, they are given their due and monsters, Fred’s trap fails and you’ve got nutso rope burns, well…you’ll regret the rope. myths, and their investigators are able to live in the candid world you believe in. Stretching is cool, man

You may have let the chips fall, but I think it would be worthwhile I don’t normally believe in “exercise,” but running without warmups is a bad idea, dude. to live by the fve second rule, pick them up again, and reconsider. It’s no good. Touch your toes and shake it out and you can run for miles. When the going gets rough, go. Sincerely yours, Is your life worth solving that mystery? No way, man. Get outta there. When you’re at The Editor-In-Chief home later, alive and watching T.V. with your buds, you’ll be saying “boy, am I glad that we’re in here, and that monster’s out there and we’re in here and I just remembered, we’re alive.”

Eat again

I mean it, man. Shaggy Rogers’ hunting self mystery to guide care

(you can also learn stitching, quilting and needlepoint)

Learn to loop, doop, and master the textile arts.

Please call Me, Nessie or come to my house to arrange lessons. Walk up to the side porch and ring the bell.

------

Ness 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234 1234

Name of Service Name of Service Name of Service Name of Service Name of Service Name of Service Call (555) 555 Call (555) 555 Call (555) 555 Call (555) 555 Call (555) 555 Call (555) 555 Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK Nessie Loch Ness Highland, UK

the SimmonS NEWS SPORTS Simmons Simmons the lawyer the basket- ball player 3 4 Vice APRIL 1, 2016 ISSUE 328947397 The different faces of John Simmons: actor, painter, bodybuilder, and founder

Simmons became a bodybuilder in 1996 and is an active athlete within the IFBB (International Federation John Simmons’ “A Midsummer’s Night Dream” (1873) of Body Building). He also established the company Simmons Nutrition, which carries a line of nutritional Simmons is known for his watercolor illustrations of Shakespeare’s supplements. literary works.

Simmons’ endowments went to his family and toward founding Sim- John(ny) Simmons, who passed away in 1870, starred in 2012 movie “The Perks of Being a Wallfower.” mons College: “It is my will to found and endow an institution called Simmons Female College, for the purpose of teaching medicine, music, drawing, designing, telegraphy, and other branches of art, science, and industry best calculated to enable the scholars to acquire BRITTANY ABUHOFF an independent livelihood.”