The Issue xiv Iliad April 1 DCCCXCI In Print Beauty Tips you’ll fall in love with Aphrodite strikes again By Aphrodite AL, ONE MUST MIX WHITE LEAD GODDESS TO THE OLIVE OIL TO LIGHTEN THE By Apollo HAVE HEARD THAT THE QUEEN OF STILL ROYALLY IRKED AT ZEUS FOR SKIN. TO LIGHTEN YOUR HAIR GOD THE UNDERWORLD, PERSEPHONE, CHEATING ON ME WITH DEMETER GIRLS, IF YOU WANT TO GLOW LIKE YOU MUST SOAK YOUR HAIR IN WAS TRICKED INTO EATING A POME- AND HAVING PERSEPHONE. HOW- A GODDESS, HERE IS ONE OF MY SE- VINEGAR AND LEMON JUICE. WITNESSES CONFIRM THAT ZEUS, GRANATE OF THE UNDERWORLD. IT EVER, I AM DELIGHTED BY THIS CRETS: USE OLIVE OIL. IT HELPS FOR A FACIAL MASK, USE THE KING OF OLYMPUS, DISAP- HAS BEEN CONFIRMED NOW THAT OUTCOME BECAUSE ZEUS GETS THE WITH HAIR AND SKIN CARE. ADD CROCODILE DUNG. IT’S ANOTHER PROVES OF HIS DAUGHTER’S MAR- BY EATING THE FRUIT OF THE UN- PUNISHMENT THAT HE DESERVES.” A BIT OF SUGAR OR SALT TO HELP WAY TO SOFTEN THE SKIN. RIAGE TO HIS BROTHER HADES, WHO DERWORLD YOU ARE NOW BOUND WE TRIED TO GET MORE STATE- YOUR SKIN BREATHE BETTER. IT LIKE USING OLIVE OIL, TAK- IS THE KING OF THE UNDERWORLD TO THE UNDERWORLD. MENTS, HOWEVER, THE OTHER GODS SOFTENS YOUR SKIN AND MAKES ING A SEAWEED BATH HELPS TO EX- AND THE GOD OF DEATH. HERA, THE QUEEN OF WERE EITHER THEY WERE TOO BUSY YOUR HAIR SILKY SMOOTH. FOLIATE THE SKIN AND MOISTUR- “DAMN YOU, APHRODITE,” OLYMPUS, GAVE US A AN EXCLU- OR REFUSED TO COMMENT ON HOW TO ACHIEVE THE GODDESS IZE IT. ZEUS IS REPORTED TO HAVE CURSED. SIVE INTERVIEW, SAYING, “I AM HADES GOT HIS NEW WIFE. GOLDEN HAIR AND PALE SKIN IDE- “HOW DARE YOU TRICK PERSE- PHONE INTO MARRYING MY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BROTHER HA- DES! THAT DAMN BLACK SHEEP DOESN’T DESERVE HER.” THE UNION OF THESE TWO GODS NOT ONLY ANGERED ZEUS, BUT ALSO HAS CAUSED PERSE- PHONE’S MOTHER, DEMETER THE GODDESS OF CORN, GRAIN, AND THE HARVEST, TO DEVELOP DEPRES- SION, SINCE SHE CAN’T VISIT HER DAUGHTER IN THE UNDERWORLD FREQUENTLY ENOUGH FOR HER OWN LIKING. APHRODITE, THE GODDESS OF LOVE, WAS NOT AVAILABLE; HOW- EVER THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE WE IT’S NO CONTEST: NARCISSUS WINS COMPETITION FOR MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN Medusa makes King Midas BY NARCISSUS JUST LOOK AT ME!). HOWEVER, 70-MINUTE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH grovel in sculpting contest IMMORTAL THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THERE AT THE CEREMONY, I WANTED TO ISN’T QUITE A LOT OF PREPARA- USE THIS FORUM TO EXPRESS HOW FINALLY, A COMPETITION THAT TION INVOLVED IN THIS YEARLY GRATEFUL I AM FOR BEING JUST By Athena MATTERS. WITH ALL OF THAT GODDESS EVENT. SO, SO GOOD-LOOKING. I WOULD OLYMPICS NONSENSE OUT OF THE CONTEST IS NOT ONLY A ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE NYMPH THE WAY, ALL OF GREECE HAD THE I, ATHENA THE JUDGE, HAVE NEV- TEST OF PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS, ECHO FOR BEING IN ATTENDANCE, CHANCE TO BASK IN THE PRESENCE ER SEEN STONE SCULPTED IN SUCH BUT ALSO ONE OF GRACE. I WAS AND I’M SURE SHE WOULD ALSO OF TRUE BEAUTY AT THE ANNUAL A SENSUAL WAY, SO ALIVE AND SO FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO DISPLAY LIKE TO THANK ME AS WELL FOR GREEK CHIC BEAUTY CONTEST. CHARMING AT THE SAME TIME. SEVERAL NEW POSES THAT I’VE THE EXPERIENCE. I AM NOTHING IF (AND BEFORE YOU ASK, YES, I DID MEDUSA CAPTURED A DEMI- BEEN WORKING ON SINCE LAST NOT GENEROUS. THINK OF THAT NAME MYSELF). I GOD’S TRUE ESSENCE SO WELL: THEIR YEAR’S COMPETITION. THESE POSES I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO IN- AM VERY PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE HEROISM, THEIR FEAR, THEIR PAIN. INCLUDED, BUT WERE NOT LIM- TRODUCE THE LAUNCH OF MY THAT MY NINE-YEAR WINNING IT IS JUST EXQUISITE USING SUCH ITED TO, “THE DISCUS THROWER,” NEW SEMINAR, “SELF-LOVE: A STREAK FINALLY BECAME AN SIMPLE MATERIALS; JUST AMAZ- “THE GRECIAN URN,” AND MY SKIN-DEEP JOURNEY.” I HOPE TO EVEN TEN. ING, JUST INGENIOUS. PERSONAL FAVORITE, “BRINGING SEE MANY OF YOU THERE, BUT IF I AM SURE THAT NONE OF KING MIDAS, ON THE OTH- EROS BACK.” ADONIS, EAT YOUR NOT, I WILL BE THERE REGARDLESS, MY LONG-TIME READERS WILL ER HAND, WAS NOT SO CREATIVE, HEART OUT. AND IN THE END THAT’S ALL THAT BE SURPRISED BY THIS TURN OF OBJECTIFYING WOMEN AND NOT WHILE I DID HAVE THE OP- MATTERS. EVENTS, AND TO BE HONEST, I EXHIBITING THEIR TRUE BEAUTY. PORTUNITY TO GIVE A BRIEF, CAN’T SAY I AM EITHER (I MEAN, THE USE OF GOLD IS SO CHILD- ISH—NO CREATIVITY; IT’S DE- GRADING OF THE SUBJECTS. THERE IS NO BEAUTY IN GOLD. IT IS TOO GAUDY TO BE CALLED ART; THERE IS NO DELICACY. THIS IS WHY THERE IS NO MEA BETTER THAN ODYSSEUS. ALL I SAW WAS UGLY GREED IN KING MIDAS’ GOLDEN SCULPTURES, WHILE I SAW ONLY TRUE TALENT IN MEDUSA’S WORKS OF ART. I DEEM MEDUSA THE WIN- NER OF THE SCULPTING CONTEST. Harry Potter Next Minister of Magic? Page Is “The Boy Who Lived” up to the job? 11 DailyThe ProPhet THE WIZARDING WORLD’S BEGUILING BROADSHEET OF CHOICE Since 1922 aPril 1, 2016 Volume 96 He’s the very best Even Muggles enjoy Quidditch By Gilderoy Lockhart “Magical Me” is the most By Gertie Goodwin fy the rules. Although the broom ends. If the score is tied, they go amazing outstanding book that has ever Staff Writer serves no function, players are into overtime. been written. required to keep it between their An interesting rule addi- Gilderoy Lockhart is the best au- “Marauding with Monsters” Scared of heights? Broom won’t get legs. tion the Muggles made is the thor in all of history. His 11 books will make you want to read through off the ground? Worried about silly The three Chasers can move “two-minimum” gender rule. Each are riveting, well written, awe-in- the whole night. little things like “broken bones” or the Quaffe down the feld by run- team is required to have at least spiring, stupendous, fantastic, ter- “Travels with Trolls” is a “concussions?” ning with it, passing it, or kicking two people who identify as a gen- rifc, extraordinary, phenomenal, beautiful account of hideous crea- Well don’t worry, you can it. If they get it past the Keeper der different from what at least astounding, spectacular, sexy, and tures. still play Quidditch. through a goal post, it’s worth 10 two other players identify as. Ac- miraculous. “Voyages with Vampires” is The Muggles found out about points. The two Beaters throw the cording to their website, “the IQA The only thing that could a very interesting read. our greatest game and sport some- Bludgers at other players to “knock accepts those who don’t identify possibly outshine his prodigious “Wanderings with Were- how—pointed look at a certain them out.” Since these Bludgers within the binary gender system, skill with a quill, is his brilliant— wolves” is a wonderful bedtime British witch—and decided to not are made of rubber or foam instead and acknowledge that not all of our and perfectly white—smile. Gild- story for youngsters. let their lack of magic prevent them of iron, this is usually not literal. players identify as male or female. ery Lockhart has, of course, been “Year with the Yeti” is a great from playing. Instead of a Snitch they have We welcome people of all identi- awarded “Most Charming Smile” winter tale to warm your heart. In 2005, a group of Middle- a “Snitch runner,” a person dressed ties and genders into our league.” fve times in a row by “Witch Simply put, every book writ- bury College (Vt.) students got to- in yellow with a ball (the Snitch) The IQA hosts or sanctions Weekly.” ten by Gilderoy Lockhart is amaz- gether for a casual game of Muggle attached to their waistband. Their around 25 events per year, includ- “Break with a Banshee” is ing. Quidditch. One player brought a job is to avoid capture by the Seek- ing nine regional championships, simply a must-have for your book- Between his always-shining lamp instead of a broom; those cra- er. If the Seeker catches the Snitch International Open, QuidCon, shelf. hair, his witch-wooing smile, and zy Muggles, eh? Within a month their team wins 30 points, instead Global Games, and the World Cup. “Gadding with Ghouls” his way with words, it seems safe they had organized an intramural of the usual 150, and the game Membership is open to teams and makes a great gift for the entire to say that Gilderoy Lockhart is the tournament. Five years later the In- individuals of any country and age family. pride and joy of the British Isles. ternational Quidditch Association group. World Cup VII will be held “Gilderoy Lockhart’s Guide He should most defnitely be voted (IQA) was born. at North Myrtle Beach, S.C. April to Household Pests” makes han- the next Minister of Magic, and he Muggles have not yet fgured 5-6 this year. dling annoying critters a breeze. deserves an Order of Merlin, frst out how to make their brooms and For more information, visit “Holidays with Hags” is a class. balls fy and move about on their v www.iqaquidditch.com. heartwarming tale. own, so they have had to modi- Quodpot: the American sport Ways to avoid getting killed at Hogwarts By Anna Levitate exploding.