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Eon ∞, Era -1 Wednesday, December 13, 2017 MIT scientists fi nd God, paper awaits peer review process All biology professors everywhere fi red, Course 7 dissolved for good By Histopher Chritchens college that has less of a focus on STAFF ATHEIST engineering. When asked about the nature In a cruel twist of fate, two soph- of God, the project lead had very omores from MIT’s Department of few comments to make. “Mostly,” Chemistry announced early Mon- she says, “we know God is big. Like day morning that they had found very, very big. And he is also out of God. fucks.” In a paper submitted to Nature, When asked for exact numbers, the chemists draw up the proof that she showed us the fi rst miracle that came to them when they were try- led them to the important discov- ing to solve an extra credit problem ery. She told us that originally they in their biochemistry problem set. computed the total mass, volume, Th e international scientifi c and number of the fucks God has community has been shaken by for humankind. Miraculously, they the discovery, which many experts all came out to be the same num- LUCY FERR—THE FUTURE TECH are calling legitimate. Th e two ber: zero. The Great Dome was replaced Tuesday with a spaghetti strainer in honor of His Noodly Appendage after re- sophomores responsible for it sub- searchers con rmed His existence Monday morning. sequently quit MIT to fi nd a new God, Page 3 Dormitory renovations to Student meets with increase campus bed capacity advisor, it went okay Renovations to: EC, BC, MacG, Baker, Simmons, Next, Tang Th ings got a little weird, but what’s new? By Bitty Bitdiddle half-hearted greeting. By Dermcern Execest capacity from 350 to 741. In a show seem to indicate that higher and STAFF DEPORTER Haverford cleared her throat. of solidarity with his residents, East higher levels will be added until it “I’m thinking of dropping 8.033. MIT is looking to add 1,500 new Campus Head of House Bob Mil- appears that the building is begin- Anita Haverford ’20 met with I think it would be better if I just beds to its undergraduate housing lard eagerly volunteered to move ning to topple like a stack of Jenga her advisor Nov. 20 to discuss take this class next year, when I system as part of a commitment his apartment to the two-foot-by- blocks, at which point construction dropping 8.033. She had been have a stronger math background. made to Fairborz Massey in 2006. four-foot space on the fourth fl oor will cease. struggling to understand the ma- Plus, I can do some studying over Th e administration is currently balcony. “I don’t need much space, Other dorms may have more mi- terial since the fi rst midterm and the summer and come back better deciding which location would be and I’m happy to help out the stu- nor renovations to accommodate was concerned about failing. prepared to succeed in this class.” most feasible for tenement-style dents,” the EECS professor insisted. more residents. Construction will Th e sophomore physics major Her advisor nodded. His tiny, housing, a process that includes East Campus is not the only begin in Baker and Burton Conner nervously tread through building goggle-y eyes held a twinge of studying square footage require- dorm with construction in the over winter break to convert all GRT 6, checking the room numbers sympathy. ments and determining the legal works. A proposal received by Fu- apartments to student rooms. Start- on each door. “6-003… 6-002… “It’ll defi nitely be easier next limit of number of individuals per- ture Tech, found stuff ed under the ing this spring, the two dorms will 6-001… No 6-000,” she thought. time, and it’s not that big of a deal. mitted to sleep in a single bed. news offi ce’s door late Tuesday share one GRT, who is expected to Haverford summoned up her You know, maybe I should switch Major renovations are planned night, indicates that MacGregor reside in Jamaica Plain. courage and walked into the open out of Course 8 anyways. Maybe in East Campus, which will see the may have several additional fl oors Next House rooming chairs re- door for 6-001. She made eye con- I should transfer out of MIT. I’m construction of a “north parallel,” added to the high rises by as early tact with the large killer whale, sure they just admitted me by mis- permanently increasing the dorm’s as March 2018. Leaked blueprints Derms, Page 3 who blinked its enormous eyes. take anyways.” Haverford’s goggles Haverford walked back out again. fogged with tears. She noticed a door labeled “Blub blub blub,” her advisor 6-SEA and stepped inside. gurgled. He placed a comforting Th e Kendall Square to end all squares Her advisor, a professor in tentacle on her shoulder. condensed and evaporated mat- “I angular velocity sin(theta) Kendall to become hip, vibrant space for tech’s soulless corporate overlords ter theory, waved his tentacles in +/- form,” he said. greeting as Haverford donned her Haverford was struck dumb By Pythagoras resources for its fastest growing de- Boston as the site of his company’s scuba gear and plunged into the at this sudden blurb of nonsense. STAFF GEOMETRY ENTHUSIAST mographic (GDP-wise). “Th ere’s a second headquarters (Bezos recent- tank that doubles as his offi ce. “I-I’m sorry. Could you please re- really underserved community out ly accepted the West Coast Innova- “Hi, how are you?” Haverford MIT pledged Friday to revitalize there who we have a responsibil- tion Consortium’s award for Most mumbled. Her advisor ignored the Advisor, Page 3 Kendall Square as a fun, exciting ity to help out,” Ruiz said, referring Homeless People Created). “Th e neighborhood where the world’s to the tight-knit populace of dead- former residents of Sr. House could richest, most vile tech CEOs will be eyed, buzzword-spewing late-stage learn a thing or two from Mr. Bezos able to enjoy their time. capitalists. about having a strong work ethic IN LONG Barry? Adam? Can you believe this “Th e new Kendall will provide Th e Institute hopes to create a and not using cocaine,” Chancellor According to all known laws of is happening? I can’t. I’ll pick you our valued community members space that will seamlessly combine Cynthia Blackhart wrote in an email aviation, there is no way a bee up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. with the aesthetic and excitement Cambridge’s student, coporate, and to Future Tech. should be able to y. Its wings are Your father paid good money for they expect from a modern world- native populations. “But mostly cor- MIT’s off erings to the billion- too small to get its fat little body those. Sorry. I’m excited. Here’s class city,” Executive Vice President porate,” Ruiz added. “I mean, come aires will not be a one-way street, o the ground. e bee, of course, the graduate. We’re very proud of and Treasurer Israel “Gaza Strip” on, who are we kidding? Th at’s however. “We’ll make sure these ies anyway because bees don’t you, son. A perfect report card, all Ruiz said in an interview with Fu- where the money is. Maybe we’ll pillars of our technological society care what humans think is impos- B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing ture Tech. “Health clubs, Panera throw in, I don’t know, a hookah bar have a home in the Boston area,” sible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. going here. You got lint on your Bread, glassy 10,000+ sqft. 7 bd 5 ba for the kiddies and the locals.” Provost Martin Schidt told Future Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, fuzz. Ow! at’s me! Wave to us! condo w/ in-unit laundry + terrace He added that the former Se- Tech. “In return, they’ll see to it black and yellow! Let’s shake it up We’ll be in row ,. Bye! Barry, (utilities not incl.).” nior House building might make a that our [Course 6] grads have high a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! I told you, stop ying in the house! Th e City of Cambridge has been quaint summer cottage for Amazon Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? Continued p. π in talks with MIT regarding creating CEO Jeff Bezos should he choose Kendall, Page 3
DINING DEALS MIT IS HARD A HACK APPEARED NEW STUDENT EPOCHS Opinion ...... 4 Did you know you can And sometimes stressful, too. OPINION, OVERNIGHT CENTER TO OPEN Campus Life . . . . .5 make a grilled cheese in p. 4 Jack Florey strikes again. Students say it’s the Photo ...... 6 under $40 with ingredi- 6-STUDENT PILEUP PHOTO, p. 6 hottest location in hell. Arts ...... 7 ents from LaVerdes? CAMPUS LIFE, p. Ω Science ...... 9 Crash occured between buildings 16, 26, Fun Pages ...... 10 and the Infinite Corridor. NEWS, p. i Sports ...... 12 2 Future Tech Doomsday, St Patrick’s Month -2, 2018 Empirical evidence of God: FINANCE the end of the world as we Amazon to acquire MIT know it The discovery of God has some implications Timely By Dom S. Day For Generic Religion mission- per share. Expert investors, on the WORLD NEWS CORRESPONDENT ary Elderman, the discovery of God other hand, asked everyone to ig- has made his job rather dull. “On nore Blaise Pascal’s advice. They Confessions for Empty hospital beds, crowded a good day, I used to get maybe warned that we have not found de- pews, and people taking once in 20–40 doors slammed in my face.” finitive proof for any specific God, a lifetime vacations. Plane tick- Elderman said, “It was a challenge, and thus advised investors to di- $13.7 billion et prices to Jerusalem, Mecca, you know. I really felt like I was do- versify their portfolio and invest in and Las Vegas have increased by ing something worthwhile. Now multiple possible Gods. 6,000% in the past three days, and everyone is asking me to baptize This oversaturation of reli- Amazon strikes confessions gold there are reports of riots all around their children and perform mira- gious institution market shares the world. Heads of 42 states have cles. Someone even asked me to has come at the cost of another By T Udomlumlert Confessions to go the way of the reportedly gone missing, leaving bless a sacrificial lamb. I just wish market, namely cryptocurrencies. WORLD NEWS CORRESPONDENT dodo,” said American business behind mysterious notes saying, they would leave me alone.” Experts believe that any investor magnate Francois Jabbour. “[insert name] out.” Needless to say, the discovery of who doesn’t use their brain and Amazon has agreed to buy Founded in 1972, MIT Con- In light of this power vacuum, God has led to the masses prepar- only invests based on the hype has MIT Timely Confessions (MTC) fessions doesn’t plan on giving religious leaders including the Da- ing for the inevitable apocalypse. sold off all their bitcoin (the total for $13.7 billion — the most ex- up its market share without a lai Lama, Pope Francis, and Tom “I knew this day was coming,.” A value of which was approximately pensive acquisition in the tech fight. Despite the pessimistic Cruise have taken it upon them- Course 6 sys-admin said. “I have 40 97% of bitcoin’s market cap) to buy giant’s history. forecasts, MIT Confessions ex- selves to organize an emergency kilotons of MREs and freeze dried stocks in the Church. As a result, Announced Monday, the ac- pects to hold onto its core base interfaith/multilateral convention boba to last me 70 years. My League bitcoin is trading at $3.23, but not quisition reflects both Amazon’s of elderly, rural customers, for to be held at the Vatican. of Legends team and I figured out a a single one has been sold since desire to become a major player whom Confessions is already a “In these confusing times, we way to stay online and keep brows- Wednesday morning as the cost of in the meme market as well as well established brand. “If you need to keep calm before reaching ing 4chan.” He wished to remain electricity to complete one such the nation’s appetite for frater- don’t live in a metropolis, Con- any conclusions,” Pope Francis said anonymous “because reasons.” transaction far outweighs the value nity rankings and the sad ram- fessions is what you’ve grown in a press conference as a scream- On the more exciting side, the created by such a transaction. We blings of horny undergrads. up with. Probably [Confes- ing woman ran past carrying a sto- stock market has gained 3,000 asked Natoshi Sakamoto, a long- Amazon’s deal signals sions] is all you’ve ever known,” len TV. “We religious leaders will points, with the Catholic Church time proponent of cryptocurren- trouble for MTC’s main com- said Confessions CFO Donald verify the facts among ourselves, taking the lead. It was trading at cies, about why he sold all his bit- petitor, MIT Confessions. “If Southerland. then follow protocol.” $15,724.29 per share at market coins. Over the phone, he shouted, Amazon can break into the In the coming months, In response to the question, close yesterday. Market specialists “I used to think bitcoin is the new passive-aggressive rants mar- MTC patrons can hope to see “So whose god is it, anyway?” Pope have refused to call this phenom- God — but that is false. God is the ket, it’s all over for Confessions. a streamlined checkout sys- Francis mumbled something along enon anything short of a miracle, new God!” Like Borders, Blockbusters, MIT tem as well as slashed prices the lines of “God only knows” and as the Catholic Church only went Oh, and did I mention that the Compliments and so many oth- on shitposts and self-righteous retired to the papal crypts. public on Tuesday morning at $10 end is nigh? er defeated retailers […] expect indignation. The moon is a Student rescued after three harsh mistress days lost in DuPont Local genius says bitcoin Police amazed student even went to gym at all definitely going to crash By JoanE BeeMovie evening, a desk worker recalled. It is unclear what the student WORLD NEWS CORRESPONDENT “He seemed a little out of it. Kept spent the weekend doing in Du- By Natoshi Sakamoto the utter novelty of his idea. “Ever asking where Baker House is and Pont, but a facilities worker found STAFF CRYPTONUMIMATIST hear of a little something called the A student was rescued by facili- mumbling stuff about organic him slumped outside an elevator Dutch tulip mania?” Birkmann said ties workers Monday afternoon af- chemistry under his breath. He in a stupor, his eyes bloodshot. Course 14 sophomore and likely with a gleeful cackle, drawing the ter spending three days lost in the had a towel card and a student ID The student was able to show- future Nobel Prize winner Harold ingenious comparison no cryptocur- DuPont Athletic Center. though, and honestly, I’ve seen er, but even that was a challenge. Birkmann ’20 is absolutely certain rency scholar had previously thought “I honestly thought I was on stranger things on this job.” “Once I got inside the locker room, that the popular cryptocurrency bit- to make. the east side of campus,” the stu- “The first day was fine, I found it took me six, seven hours to even coin is going to crash soon, sources When pressed about the fact that dent, who wants to remain anony- a vending machine and had some navigate to the back where the told Future Tech. critics in the financial world have mous because he fears that this spare change, so I didn’t starve. I showers are. It’s a maze in there,” “I was talking to him the other been incorrectly heralding bitcoin’s incompetence will impede him bought a bag of cookies. Or maybe he said. night, telling him I was excited demise for months, Birkmann re- from ever getting a job, said in an it was pretzels. This whole ordeal At press time, the student had that my bitcoin I’d picked up a few sponded with stunning confidence, interview with Future Tech. was traumatic, and I’m experienc- emerged from the cavernous front months ago was doing so well,” Birk- “Yeah, but this time it’s actually going The student entered DuPont ing some memory loss,” the stu- doors of DuPont and was blinking mann’s friend Jash Chudasama ’19 to come down. Like, it’s not a ques- through the Z-Center last Friday dent said. in the sunlight. said in an interview. “He just laughed tion, it’s really going to lose 80 or 90 derisively and told me they’d be percent of its value.” worthless in a few days. No doubt John McAfee, founder of McAfee about it at all. After I got home, I did Associates and formerly one of bit- Student outraged at some calculations and I realized, by coin’s most high-profile proponents, God, he was right. I don’t know how I has since dropped his support for didn’t see it before.” the coin. “Have you seen how smug Birkmann’s Axiom, as bitcoin’s that Birkmann kid is?” McAfee told crowded Infinite corridor impending demise is being called, CNBC. “You don’t argue with some- has made waves in the economics one who’s that sure of himself.” Tourists annoy students on way to class and business communities. When The world, meanwhile, has begun professor David Autor used the cur- preparing for the imminent collapse get to class,” said the freshman, Our correspondent witnessed rency in an example in his 14.03 of the system, which has a higher By Staete D. Ovious frustrated. a tourist walk up to Johnson and lecture, Birkmann made a coughing market valuation than the British WORLD NEWS CORRESPONDENT “The tourists are also really asked for directions to Kresge. noise and snorted, “Bubble!” pound. Following Birkmann’s sug- annoying,” Johnson told Future “Oh, everyone knows where that Autor’s eyes went wide as he ex- gestion, nations are setting aside Local student Ben Johnson ’21 Tech. “Hang on, I need to get a is,” replied Johnson. “It’s right next claimed, “But of course! Why didn’t I money for major bailouts of compa- was overheard complaining loud- video of this for my Snapchat to East Campus, on Vassar.” see it before?” After he scribbled out nies that have invested in bitcoin. ly about the crowds in the Infinite story.” Halfway through Lobby When asked why he was using a complex difference-in-differences “We can’t thank this incredibly Corridor Wednesday morning. 10, Johnson stopped in his tracks, the Infinite Corridor instead of the analysis on the blackboard, his jaw gifted, dare I say, clairvoyant young “It’s the worst between classes,” took out his phone, and filmed a tunnels that morning, Johnson de- dropped. “By God, he’s right,” he American enough. He has prevented Johnson told Future Tech, while group of tourists taking selfies. clined to comment. said. certain global economic crisis with walking to 8.01 with a large group Johnson told Future Tech that “Anyways, the only thing worse “It takes a prodigy of enormous his keen insight,” U.S. President Don- of friends. “I just can’t understand he heard from a reliable source than the Infinite Corridor is when intellectual and creative aptitude to ald Trump said at an event celebrat- i t .” that the basement below the In- class gets out in 10-250,” Johnson be so certain of an outcome which ing Birkmann’s discovery Saturday. “There are always packs of finite is a much less crowded told Future Tech. “I don’t under- is, to us lesser beings, highly specu- Even Pope Francis weighed in on people just clogging up the place,” route. “The tourists don’t know stand that either. We’re just trying lative,” Autor told Future Tech after- the matter. “Call it what you will, but Johnson complained to Future about the tunnels,” the freshman, to exit from a lecture hall.” ward. “But by God, he’s really done by God, I’m calling it divine proph- Tech’s Main Group Correspondent who regularly confuses Stata for At press time, Johnson was i t .” ecy,” the pontiff said in a press con- while strolling through Lobby Simmons, said. “Only the most writing an MIT Confession about Future Tech talked with Birkmann ference. “This guy is the next Ezekiel, 10. “I wish they would just walk savvy MIT undergraduates know how the Infinite isn’t even really Friday and was likewise floored by I’m telling you.” faster. Some of us are trying to about it.” infinite.
Why are you wasting your time reading this ad? Get your work done already!! Wooday, Month of the Year 32, 2019 Future Tech 3 New AI to replace Tim E2, former SH, to Beaver as MIT’s mascot be summer cottage
Nothing is safe from the AI singularity, prof. warns Kendall, from Page 1 tech haven “Silicon O’Malley.” Still, MIT’s corporate and By Timmy Beeve Th under King © Firecrackers and a strange fear of live rodents. enough starting salaries to justify transit hub needs work: Kendall WORLD NEWS CORRESPONDENT carton of gasoline before attempt- “You have no idea what it does the fact that they literally have to Square currently presents a bar- ing to light the fi recrackers. Tim is to you, to see your childhood hero starve themselves to aff ord their ren hellscape battered by heavy Amidst shortages of funding to reported to have yelled “Go back break a bottle over his head,” up- tuition.” winds and overrun with feral tertiary and higher level institu- to hell, Satan!” before igniting the perclassman Dohn Joe recalls. Indeed, more and more MIT yuppies. tions, MIT College President Ra- cart. “I have a stuff ed version of him I students have been remaining in Jessica Bale, a software engi- fael Reif announced that Tim the According to witnesses, Tim keep in my backpack. I lit him on the Boston area after graduation neer at Facebook’s Kendall of- Beaver, MIT’s mascot, would be the Beaver was transported to fi re the other day to see if I could due to the infl ux of tech compa- fi ce, treats anyone stupid enough replaced with a fully virtual Arti- Massachusetts General Hospital understand what he was trying to nies. South Boston (known in to willingly loiter in the square fi cial Entity that he claims would in the aftermath of the fi re. say. I don’t know who to look to ghetto jive as “Southy”), previ- as unequivocally sociopathic. save the school $19,581 each year. “We couldn’t fi t his head on the anymore.” ously settled by an indigenous “What the fuck do you want from “Every dollar counts at this point,” stretcher and we were forced to Tim the Beaver is currently at Irish-American population, was me?” Bale said in an after-work President Reif said in response to leave his head hanging out of the the Ennet Drug And Alcohol Re- discovered by transplants in 1997 interview with Future Tech. “Get criticism, “I mean, let’s be honest, back of the vehicle. Fortunately covery House seeking treatment and has since been reborn as the back! Back, I say!” he was going to become automat- there was no lasting damage from for alcohol addiction. Charges of ed anyway.” the collision on the way to the arson, disorderly conduct, and 6 Tim the Beaver has not taken hospital.” other sexual misdemeanours that the news so easily. At 11:38pm on In addition to a couple of bro- were being held against him have the evening of last Saturday, Tim ken appendages, Tim now has a now been dropped. He is not tak- entered Lobby 7, dragging a cart of permanently distended eye, and a ing visitors. Proof of Satan still needed
God, from Page 1 “MIT Confessions,” and “ec-dis- might actually be real, which would cuss” has dropped by 94%. mean their virgin sacrifi ce parties About God’s magnitude, she Surprisingly, the number of might not have been for nothing. could only specify that God is at posts on social media websites like MIT has also fi red all of its biol- least 2147483647 football fi elds Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter ogy professors, confi rming the sus- large: “Th e number we got was has seen a steady increase, as more picions of generations of hardcore -54482319, but I am pretty sure and more people are posting about tech bros who always thought biol- there was an integer overfl ow is- their religious activities with new- ogy classes were useless. sue.” When we asked her why they found zeal. “Ever since the existence of God didn’t use 64-bit data types, she Academic life at MIT has also was confi rmed, we’ve had no use shrugged and responded, “I’m not seen many changes. For example, for biology. Evolution isn’t real. Th e Course 6.” 7.012 has been shifted into the old earth was created in 6,000 years. Even though the scientifi c com- MIT chapel building as the reli- God just put fake dinosaur bones munity is stupefi ed by the magni- gious groups have taken over 26- there to trick us,” said former de- tude of this enormous discovery, 100 because of the increased num- partment head Alan Grossman. life at MIT hasn’t stopped. Rather, ber of people. President Falfael Rice has an- in many cases, it has picked up On other hand, every student nounced a new School of Divin- steam unseen for centuries. of MIT’s math department, being ity at MIT. “We’ll be housing the Th e biggest change came in the Satanists they are, has dropped School in the Koch Center. All lab individuals’ internet browsing be- all their classes to fi nd a proof for techs will retain their jobs, but the havior. In a dramatic downturn, the Satan. As one student kindly ex- days of pipettes and centrifuges are number of daily shitposts in inter- plained, proof of God has given over, it’s prayer books and ‘hallelu- net forums like “Reddit,” “4chan,” them new hope in proving Satan jahs’,” Rice said. ‘We need a bigger campus’ Derms, from Page 1 DormCon President Ji Yooguh orders of Cambridge City Council, ’17 emailed all dormitory an- Chancellor Bindy Carnheart has ceived an email correspondence nounce lists inviting students to affi rmed in a statement to Future from the Housing Offi ce notifying join the conversation by applying Tech that the new MIT.nano facility them of “a capacity increase” for to a working group on renovations. will remain graduate student hous- the spring semester. “We are going Graduate students have not ing “until at least 2020.” through the approval process of been forgotten in the push for Ally Standton ’18, Dormitory turning the Next Haunt structure more housing. All but one room in Council Vice President, encour- into two student rooms,” said the Tang Hall will revert back to gradu- aged students to add themselves Next Haunt producers. Th e safety ate housing after being reserved to the mailing list ec-inform@mit. plan for this proposal, submitted for undergraduates this academic edu for more information. by Next House exec last week, is year. Twelve graduate and twelve Residents will begin relocations awaiting EHS approval. undergraduate students have been at the end of this week, and con- Simmons rooming chairs also randomly entered into a Hunger struction would be completed by received an email correspondence Games-style competition for the the start of the fall 2020 semester. requesting additional triples. How- remaining room, to be broadcast In an interview with Future Tech, ever, the request was retracted af- on the Infi nite Display. Addition- Vice President and Mom for Stu- ter Head of House Jellen Esigman ally, reaffi rming her commitment dent Life Soozy Nelson expressed, brought smoothies to a meeting both to graduate student housing “we’re just going to need a bigger with Housing. and to following the legally binding campus.” Student asks advisor about his research Advisor, from Page 1 scrawled a signature that looked on the entropic solution to the little like the Einstein fi eld equations hierarchy problem assuming the peat that?” Was it even English? in what seemed to be octopus ink. infl aton Hilbert space in the linear She found it hard to tell. She didn’t Haverford tried to keep the form NMSSM is six-dimensional.” even think he could say compre- from disintegrating as it was fl oated “Uh, that’s cool,” Haverford said. hensible words to begin with. back to her. Her advisor blinked. Her advisor slowly blinked his Haverford wiped her eyes and “I, uh, I guess I’ll be going now. bulbous eyes once more, then cleared her throat again. “So, how Th ank you for your time,” said raised a tentacle matter-of-fact- has your research been going?” Haverford. ly. “I angular velocity sin(theta) she said in an attempt to make Her adviser nodded sagely, +/- form.” conversation. as though to acknowledge her When he noticed her blank Her advisor nodded his bul- farewell. look, he merely rolled his eyes and bous head excitedly and attached Haverford swam upward, clam- fl apped his tentacle at the slowly his suction pads to an equation on bered out of the tank, and returned disintegrating add/drop form in the underwater whiteboard. “Quite her fl ippers and goggles. her hand. simply, some conspicuous illustra- At press time, Haverford had “Oh — !” Haverford then off ered tions are usually calculated through forgotten to submit her add/drop the form to him. three-fl uid models with solitons. form to the registrar. He took the sopping wet add/ Kerr black holes are equivalent to drop form from her hand and dimensionality. Unitarity depends OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION OPINION T F are year £420Mper (zeroth class). -84 °FMassachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, Mass. 02139.Subscriptions summer by Future Tech, Inc. 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To fair, be you have to have high avery at overachiever inthefront row just downat yourLook computer screen. have success metrics. ways subpar be because itdoesn’t You learn that basic research al- will something that yet. exist doesn’t You honeyour ability to hype up SYNDROME SPECIALIST SYNDROME By SuperUROP SALTINE CRACKER By Imposter “black isthetotal color—that means instance, theartist’s signature wisdom, wouldn’tappreciate,of course they for Transparent Horizons AREidiots— truly about LIFE. scrap metal—itsays somethingdeep it’s notjustarrangement anarbitrary of ate thedepthsofthisart,to realise that intellectual capacity appreci- to truly fans understand this stu have; they the ism ofPablo Picasso, forinstance. e philosophy draws heavily from thecub- its mysterious black angles —itsartistic appearance, which isdeftly woven into typical viewer’s head. about a potential UROP, who hasn’t got- sibly provide. 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PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN HACKER This shot depicts of two of the biggest pranks ever played on MIT: the Stata Center’s architecture and Cambridge’s weather.
A Hack Appeared!!
PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN HACKER Hackers left the carcass of a furious fowl on MIT Killian court to express their frustration with the insufficient meal options on campus.
PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN HACKER A group of anonymous hackers left a sticky note in the Infinite Corridor last PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN HACKER night, conveying their opinion on the disbanding of Senior House. Hackers declared their “soldarity” in calcium carbonate on the blackboard of 26-100. 7 ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS ARTS Future Tech CRIT ARTIN—FUTURE TECH ARTIN—FUTURE CRIT To conclude, I’d recommend that you you that recommend I’d conclude, To ★★★★★ Jerusalem Palace Food Truck A third novel is de rigueur, as both of as both of is de rigueur, novel A third stomach this food as soon as possible, if you if you this food as soon as possible, stomach a it derives from the fact that stomach can upholds an apartheid which regime culture on its own carries attacks targeted out that up! thumbs Two citizens. develops plots and characters that reach reach that plots and characters develops — just a Goldilocks-level of originality from reviews rabid earn to enough original be to pal- clichéd enough and just critics, Riddled with public. the to clichés atable this with archetypes, and studded hollow of down version a watered presents novel life. an MIT student’s inter- were novels YA previous Greene’s decision to Greene’s bestsellers. national sparked has however, MIT, write about be- Many in the community. controversy is so of the ’Tute portrayal Greene’s lieve writ- as well have he might that far-fetched Some critics accuse the Caltech. about ten while others characters at fl of having novel deep themes of iden- it tackles that argue and injustice. college pressures, tity crises, this re- or disagree, agree Whether you stands Flowers) Jack to viewerrelation (no in is stuck Flowers because in the middle, imperfect of an meadow institute. a tragic chooses girl- the only the end, Flowers In friend for him: right and his his classwork is. that the ’hose, SuperUROP, Between bites, Jerusalem Palace’s Palace’s Jerusalem Between bites, though:standout, was the e falafel its Th prompt- it even was food e so inspired Th Jack’s soap-opera-esque dorm life is dorm soap-opera-esque life is Jack’s fan countless inspired has novel His Palestinians without trial each year. without trial year. each Palestinians juice sweet pomegranate lush, homemade to similar in a manner palate cleansed my ethnically the incorrigible state how Jewish in villages Bank West cleansed the outlying and terror. of fear a campaign IDF- like crisp, and oh-so-slight zest candid massa- and Shatila, Sabra at allied militants lofty expectations. already my cred a the truck to and leave ed go me to back chef. ier as a tip for the fl helpful BDS man spring willman determine majors. pset ses- night late by punctuated still sequences. hacking lled and action-fi sions is forced Jack 2, Course into locked But, major- of double his dreams abandon to is tormented He 6 and 21W. in Course ing and glitches of SolidWorks nightmares by to urges uncontrollable by jolted awake console to him but nothing has He code. bak- stress is that emptiness lling the fi His peace. in bake even he can’t And ing. out Betty and Bob hanging keep neighbors nds a new everyin the kitchen time he fi hints romantic keep dropping ey Th recipe. no hope of deci- has poor our hero that love a and he is soonphering, embroiled edge-his edges than polygonwith more brownies. only with mil- a subreddit and generated works AMA, recent most his In lions of posts. be original, writer must “A wrote, Greene of wis- ese words Th not too original.” but manipu- Greene dom come as no surprise. and magician a like tropes standard lates First let me say this: you have not tasted this: let me say have you First spin- ed the glorifi unlike hummus, e Th Greene sleekly deceives us:Greene chap- by table, ready to dig in. dig to ready table, one from sampled till you’ve kebab a lamb such that me amazes It Palace. Jerusalem delightfully seasoned meat, impeccably be could with and garnished lime, charred part of a country of the cuisine has which millions of in- and oppressed slaughtered civilians. nocent the around joints nd in most fi dip you’d ach twist a tangy (they had use im- Boston area, attention my ported captured tahini!) which of and detains hundreds captures Israel like man Jack Flowers, running in a downpour running in a downpour Flowers, Jack man in his pset. turn to Hall Random from pset in his coat, his precious Cradling Mi- wet. 4 soaking he arrives building at Jack intact. remain the papers raculously, dry his stapled, slams triumphantly pset the turns TA head the as just pile, the onto night, at Th collectcorner to lot. the whole never to resolved and a baby, like he slept imagine, might As you again. procrastinate promise. this is an empty is hero pset-toting our we realize two, ter reimagining within dystopian a trapped the psets, rehose, fi e Th of the institute. chap- An entire there. all still the rigor are MIT a.m. 1:17 Jack’s to is dedicated ter bas- session. “Poor scrolling Confessions from as he answers a text sighs Jack tards,” Little does he know Ronnie. girl Wellesley willRonnie soonbe ex-girlfriend, his that the Dean short of cut by their relationship new decrees: (1) MIT stu- Life’s Student other MIT students, date only can dents one major, have only can (2) MIT students end of fresh- the at taken an exam and (3) This piece will be revealed to the public on January 1. to This piece will be revealed is a world- GRADER FANFICTION WRITER FANFICTION By Tee-ey Grad TOTALLY NOT BIASED By George Florey By George By Social Justice Warrior By Social Justice After giving the amicable chef a quick chef the amicable giving After I had the pleasure of dining at the Jeru- at of dining the pleasure I had Published December 2017 December Published Hosed Greene Rohn By YA dystopian novel Hosed novel dystopian YA In a non-subtle nod to his alma mater, mater, nod his alma to a non-subtle In Th is work, along with Josh’s other other seven, Josh’s along with is work, Th Despite a self-proclaimed “inability to to “inability Despite a self-proclaimed Josh, a freshman hoping to major in in major to hoping a freshman Josh, Problem Set Eight, the latest install- the latest Set Eight, Problem On display from Jan. 1 – 2017 20, Problem Set 8 Museum of Fine Arts, Boston refresher on the Zionist movement’s funda- on the Zionist movement’s refresher picnic at a nearby down sat I aws, fl mental salem Palace food truck between classes Palace salem it dished you, and let me tell Wednesday options ordable and aff delicious such out remind to not try to hard I had really that crimes of the war and humanitarian myself its namesake’s by committed violations law government. Greene introduces our protagonist, fresh- protagonist, our introduces Greene wide phenomenon, topping the New York York wide the New phenomenon, topping as an Ama- standing bestseller list, Times currently and bestseller weeks, zon for six As lm adaptation. for a fi screened being into foray rst fi Greene’s MIT alum Rohn a maintains ction, the book fi dystopian protagonist: Greene traditional a young him from prevents whose apathy man his he overcomes but his goals, achieving the end. And he gets own shortcomings by I won’t but spoil. the girl...sort of, will be shown along with Jaded Sr.’s col- Sr.’s will with be shown along Jaded lection Principles Science of Chemical in a Record. [No] new exhibit titled Pass comprehend three-dimensional space,” space,” three-dimensional comprehend conic misshapen renders impressively Josh paper e Th axes. slanted by sections speared been crumpled having after itselfslightly is box, submission ed in a its worn edges stuff desperation. and utter complete suggesting Course 6, cites an “inability to sleep” and sleep” to an “inability cites 6, Course as his inspira- with“issues procrastination” communicate to “I want tions for the series. slowly, he says weall feel,” the emptiness as of his hand out falling his pencil nearly the piece. towards he gestures ment in Frosh Josh’s Multivariable Calculus Calculus Multivariable Josh’s in Frosh ment start- in the MFA willseries, be on display triptych is e monochromatic Th 1. Jan. ing tear and riddledgraphite of with smudges of a caf- its wobbly lines indicative stains, feine-addled hand. Jerusalem Palace food truck serves up unmatched Middle Eastern cuisine serves up unmatched truck food Palace Jerusalem RESTAURANT REVIEW Streetto Herzl my regards Give Jack Flowers’ freshman year might be better off NR’d off might be better freshman year Flowers’ Jack BOOK REVIEW bros puts before hose the 'Hosed' novel YA Frosh Josh’s newest work is a manifestation of human suffering of human manifestation is a work newest Josh’s Frosh ARTREVIEW pages crumpled on lines Frantic Yesterday, Neander 40000,2023 8
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Perhaps asyou into peer themir Louise Nevelson’s Transparent Horizons infront ofEC David Bakalar’s TV ManOr Five-Piece Cube With Strange Hole With of masterful the variety shapes - ( connoisseur toatrue journey becoming you have ofwhere sense your some to start ing your four years here. Hopefully now work out that art-appreciation muscle dur waste ofresources ifyou don’tattempt to and cultured oncampus, forms it’s sure a ˌ khɒ nu ǝ ˈ s ɜ:). Everyday, Month 28, 2024 28, Month Everyday, PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN PHOTO COURTESY OF UNKNOWN - Lackaday, lackamonth 0, 2025 Future Tech 9 Much Fur, Such Wow SCIENCE SCIENCESCIENCE SCIENCE Re-examining our classification of man’s best fluffy buddies By Gabe the Angel Dog tions of man’s best friend. but they have all the potential to learn and are renowned for their work as therapy PROFESSIONAL BORKER Let us start with the scientific name, grow to become great dogs. puppers, police K9s, and military sniffers. Canis lupus familiaris. While it is a good Now onto the tuff stuff, the true lan- Good job, smol woofers. You are all good way of laying down a specific species for guage of our kingdom: doggospeak. bois. Additionally, some of our greatest Who? Let the dogs out? our kind, it’s not very practical. Just trying Puppers are the smolest of the doggos. smol woofer hits include our reigning shi- saying that ten times fast… They include the more hyperenergetic of be king Doge and the ol’ classic Lassie. What? Exactly. Exactly. our kind and some of the most loved by Finally, the last classification of our Where? Everywhere. Moving on, dog and puppy are great the laziest of hoomans, ironically enough. heckin great doggo kingdom lies with the traditions of our family. Dogs are reliable, This class of doggos are most prominently big ol doggos, aka woofers. Woofers are the When? All the time. loyal, and unconditionally loving. Dogs’ known for the noisy yappers, the feisty biggest, most floofiest of the doggos. Many Why? Bork. cognitive behavior has been proven to be pupperinos, dem derpy puggos, and the hoomans find them great cuddle cushions highly retentive. They can also entertain all ever-popular corgos. You keep on truck- and reliable partners of life. Just try not How? Now. the little hoomans while the big hoomans ing, puppers. Just don’t eat all the treats or to turn these usually docile doggos into romp around and do their boring, busy you’ll soon become rolling porkos. heckin angry woofers cuz you’ll be in for The use of language has drastically bee work, showing their great tendency to- Next we move onto the big ol puppers a showdown!!! evolved over the past decade, and it’s wards mutualism. or the smol woofers. This includes the cat- Many thanks for this opportunity to about time we sit down to examine one Puppies are like smaller dogs, but cuter egory of doggos who are still lively, but re- convey the greatness of our doggo king- very specific category of said language: and more energetic. They have not quite quire doggo parks and vast fields to satisfy dom. Keep on borkin, doggos. We are dogs. We will examine the best classifica- yet learned the ways of our doggy world, their playful needs. Many smol woofers hooman’s best frand for a reason!!! Article of the Year
Can apparent superluminal neutrino speeds be explained S cience as a quantum weak measurement?
M V Berry1, N Brunner1, S Popescu1 & P Shukla2 SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCESCIENC E SCIENCE SCIENCE E SCIENCESCIENC SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE 1H H Wills Physics Laboratory, Tyndall Avenue, Bristol BS8 1TL, UK 2 Department of Physics, Indian Institute of Technology, Kharagpur, India
Abstract
Probably not.
Keywords: quantum measurement, interference, neutrino oscillations
PACS numbers: 03.65.Ta, 03.65.Xp, 14.60.Pq
Published: November 11 2011, J.Phys.A 44 492001
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