WEATHER MIT’s Most Time- WED: 31°F | 28°F Spanning Newspaper Snow THU: -10°F | -14°F More Snow your.mit.edu FRI: -460°F | -460°F Armageddon Eon ∞, Era -1 Wednesday, December 13, 2017 MIT scientists fi nd God, paper awaits peer review process All biology professors everywhere fi red, Course 7 dissolved for good By Histopher Chritchens college that has less of a focus on STAFF ATHEIST engineering. When asked about the nature In a cruel twist of fate, two soph- of God, the project lead had very omores from MIT’s Department of few comments to make. “Mostly,” Chemistry announced early Mon- she says, “we know God is big. Like day morning that they had found very, very big. And he is also out of God. fucks.” In a paper submitted to Nature, When asked for exact numbers, the chemists draw up the proof that she showed us the fi rst miracle that came to them when they were try- led them to the important discov- ing to solve an extra credit problem ery. She told us that originally they in their biochemistry problem set. computed the total mass, volume, Th e international scientifi c and number of the fucks God has community has been shaken by for humankind. Miraculously, they the discovery, which many experts all came out to be the same num- LUCY FERR—THE FUTURE TECH are calling legitimate. Th e two ber: zero. The Great Dome was replaced Tuesday with a spaghetti strainer in honor of His Noodly Appendage after re- sophomores responsible for it sub- searchers con rmed His existence Monday morning. sequently quit MIT to fi nd a new God, Page 3 Dormitory renovations to Student meets with increase campus bed capacity advisor, it went okay Renovations to: EC, BC, MacG, Baker, Simmons, Next, Tang Th ings got a little weird, but what’s new? By Bitty Bitdiddle half-hearted greeting. By Dermcern Execest capacity from 350 to 741. In a show seem to indicate that higher and STAFF DEPORTER Haverford cleared her throat. of solidarity with his residents, East higher levels will be added until it “I’m thinking of dropping 8.033. MIT is looking to add 1,500 new Campus Head of House Bob Mil- appears that the building is begin- Anita Haverford ’20 met with I think it would be better if I just beds to its undergraduate housing lard eagerly volunteered to move ning to topple like a stack of Jenga her advisor Nov. 20 to discuss take this class next year, when I system as part of a commitment his apartment to the two-foot-by- blocks, at which point construction dropping 8.033. She had been have a stronger math background. made to Fairborz Massey in 2006. four-foot space on the fourth fl oor will cease. struggling to understand the ma- Plus, I can do some studying over Th e administration is currently balcony. “I don’t need much space, Other dorms may have more mi- terial since the fi rst midterm and the summer and come back better deciding which location would be and I’m happy to help out the stu- nor renovations to accommodate was concerned about failing. prepared to succeed in this class.” most feasible for tenement-style dents,” the EECS professor insisted. more residents. Construction will Th e sophomore physics major Her advisor nodded. His tiny, housing, a process that includes East Campus is not the only begin in Baker and Burton Conner nervously tread through building goggle-y eyes held a twinge of studying square footage require- dorm with construction in the over winter break to convert all GRT 6, checking the room numbers sympathy. ments and determining the legal works. A proposal received by Fu- apartments to student rooms. Start- on each door. “6-003… 6-002… “It’ll defi nitely be easier next limit of number of individuals per- ture Tech, found stuff ed under the ing this spring, the two dorms will 6-001… No 6-000,” she thought. time, and it’s not that big of a deal. mitted to sleep in a single bed. news offi ce’s door late Tuesday share one GRT, who is expected to Haverford summoned up her You know, maybe I should switch Major renovations are planned night, indicates that MacGregor reside in Jamaica Plain. courage and walked into the open out of Course 8 anyways. Maybe in East Campus, which will see the may have several additional fl oors Next House rooming chairs re- door for 6-001. She made eye con- I should transfer out of MIT. I’m construction of a “north parallel,” added to the high rises by as early tact with the large killer whale, sure they just admitted me by mis- permanently increasing the dorm’s as March 2018. Leaked blueprints Derms, Page 3 who blinked its enormous eyes. take anyways.” Haverford’s goggles Haverford walked back out again. fogged with tears. She noticed a door labeled “Blub blub blub,” her advisor 6-SEA and stepped inside. gurgled. He placed a comforting Th e Kendall Square to end all squares Her advisor, a professor in tentacle on her shoulder. condensed and evaporated mat- “I angular velocity sin(theta) Kendall to become hip, vibrant space for tech’s soulless corporate overlords ter theory, waved his tentacles in +/- form,” he said. greeting as Haverford donned her Haverford was struck dumb By Pythagoras resources for its fastest growing de- Boston as the site of his company’s scuba gear and plunged into the at this sudden blurb of nonsense. STAFF GEOMETRY ENTHUSIAST mographic (GDP-wise). “Th ere’s a second headquarters (Bezos recent- tank that doubles as his offi ce. “I-I’m sorry. Could you please re- really underserved community out ly accepted the West Coast Innova- “Hi, how are you?” Haverford MIT pledged Friday to revitalize there who we have a responsibil- tion Consortium’s award for Most mumbled. Her advisor ignored the Advisor, Page 3 Kendall Square as a fun, exciting ity to help out,” Ruiz said, referring Homeless People Created). “Th e neighborhood where the world’s to the tight-knit populace of dead- former residents of Sr. House could richest, most vile tech CEOs will be eyed, buzzword-spewing late-stage learn a thing or two from Mr. Bezos able to enjoy their time. capitalists. about having a strong work ethic IN LONG Barry? Adam? Can you believe this “Th e new Kendall will provide Th e Institute hopes to create a and not using cocaine,” Chancellor According to all known laws of is happening? I can’t. I’ll pick you our valued community members space that will seamlessly combine Cynthia Blackhart wrote in an email aviation, there is no way a bee up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. with the aesthetic and excitement Cambridge’s student, coporate, and to Future Tech. should be able to y. Its wings are Your father paid good money for they expect from a modern world- native populations. “But mostly cor- MIT’s off erings to the billion- too small to get its fat little body those. Sorry. I’m excited. Here’s class city,” Executive Vice President porate,” Ruiz added. “I mean, come aires will not be a one-way street, o the ground. e bee, of course, the graduate. We’re very proud of and Treasurer Israel “Gaza Strip” on, who are we kidding? Th at’s however. “We’ll make sure these ies anyway because bees don’t you, son. A perfect report card, all Ruiz said in an interview with Fu- where the money is. Maybe we’ll pillars of our technological society care what humans think is impos- B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing ture Tech. “Health clubs, Panera throw in, I don’t know, a hookah bar have a home in the Boston area,” sible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. going here. You got lint on your Bread, glassy 10,000+ sqft. 7 bd 5 ba for the kiddies and the locals.” Provost Martin Schidt told Future Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, fuzz. Ow! at’s me! Wave to us! condo w/ in-unit laundry + terrace He added that the former Se- Tech. “In return, they’ll see to it black and yellow! Let’s shake it up We’ll be in row ,. Bye! Barry, (utilities not incl.).” nior House building might make a that our [Course 6] grads have high a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! I told you, stop ying in the house! Th e City of Cambridge has been quaint summer cottage for Amazon Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? Continued p. π in talks with MIT regarding creating CEO Jeff Bezos should he choose Kendall, Page 3 DINING DEALS MIT IS HARD A HACK APPEARED NEW STUDENT EPOCHS Opinion . .4 Did you know you can And sometimes stressful, too. OPINION, OVERNIGHT CENTER TO OPEN Campus Life . .5 make a grilled cheese in p. 4 Jack Florey strikes again. Students say it’s the Photo . .6 under $40 with ingredi- 6-STUDENT PILEUP PHOTO, p. 6 hottest location in hell. Arts . .7 ents from LaVerdes? CAMPUS LIFE, p. Ω Science . .9 Crash occured between buildings 16, 26, Fun Pages . .10 and the Infinite Corridor. NEWS, p. i Sports . .12 2 Future Tech Doomsday, St Patrick’s Month -2, 2018 Empirical evidence of God: FINANCE the end of the world as we Amazon to acquire MIT know it The discovery of God has some implications Timely By Dom S. Day For Generic Religion mission- per share.