Theunfaithful Feministtheun Faithfulfemini
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THEUNFAITHFUL FEMINISTTHEUN FAITHFULFEMINI STTHEUNFAITHF ULFEMTHE INSTTHE UNFAITHFULFEM INIISTTHEUNFUNFAITHFULIST HFULFEMINISTT HEUFEMINISTNFAITHFULF EMINISTTHEUNF AITHFULFEMINIS TTHEUNFAITHFU LFEMINISTTHEU 16 SUMMER 2011 HERIZONS her-054 Summer 2011 v25n1.indd 16 11-06-23 11:28 PM BY KAY CARTER don’t know what I expected to happen music industry with Ani DiFranco and riot grrrls, when I emailed the woman with whom my and we read Audre Lorde, Leslie Feinberg and I husband had a two-week, sex-filled fling to Michelle Tea while wearing purple fishnets and snarkily chide her for not being a better feminist. thigh-high pleather boots. We buzzed our heads, I suppose I thought I was being clever, that one grew our body hair and swore off makeup, only year post-affair I’d found an inventive way to deal to return to femme with a vengeance when our her an identity-shattering blow, similar to the one queer sex worker friend convinced us makeup she had dealt me. was radical if you knew how to wield it properly. Unfortunately, when I hit send I forgot that one Our anger was righteous and coated with person’s dogged self-interest is another person’s glitter, and we shared it with strangers through third wave feminism. And instead of knocking the Interwebs. Empowerment was anything we her down a few notches, I believe I inadvertently wanted it to be, and we shrieked with choice- built her up. filled delight as our metaphorical second wave Being betrayed by a person you love is all mothers gasped in admonition. And that was all too clichéd. It’s a subject that has been combed well and good for a time … until some of us real- through many times over in Russian novels, on ized our metaphorical mothers might actually be daytime television and in Mars vs. Venus pop right about a thing or two. psychology. These days, even academia is getting At some point, Rosewarne’s and my con- in on the action. temporaries started to reel in the all-inclusive In Lauren Rosewarne’s Cheating on the pleasure-seeking to consider the larger ramifi- Sisterhood: Infidelity and Feminism, the feminist- cations of recasting former markers of sexism cum-political scientist uses her own experience and misogyny as modern-day empowerment. as the other woman in a typical hetero-nor- As Rosewarne writes, third wave feminism had mative affair to interrogate claims that have a “fixation with making inequality palatable.” In been made about adultery and to add a few doing so, she believes, “the fundamental tenet of new positions. The central question Rosewarne feminism—that power between men and women asks is this: Can cheating be an act of feminist is unevenly distributed—[got] lost” because “in resistance? The answer, as you might imagine, is an environment where nothing is ever completely quite complex—more so than even Rosewarne wrong, the status quo of sexual inequality remains is able to detail in her 270-page rumination. (In unchallenged.” In other words, Rosewarne’s and her defence, she is explicit about her intention to my cohorts were so busy trying to create a maintain a self-informed, myopic perspective at one-size-fits-all movement that we forgot that the expense of a more expansive study.) resistance and transgression are, by definition, an Born less than a month apart (thanks outsider’s game. And who is a better example of Facebook!), Rosewarne and I grew up in the same an outsider than the other woman? era of feminism. We learned that women can have Most of us are familiar with the Western het- both careers and a family from Diane Keaton in erosexual script of love and desire, and even as a Baby Boom, we railed against the male-dominated woman betrayed I have to admit that I have been HERIZONS SUMMER 2011 17 her-054 Summer 2011 v25n1.indd 17 11-06-24 2:01 PM To be a “good feminist” is to be a strong woman, and I had gotten good at wearing that facade. somewhat persuaded by the argument that other The days after his return were some of the women can successfully buck gender norms—at hardest I’ve lived through—not because I’d been least to some degree. Other women thwart the deceived by the man I thought I’d spend the rest traditional feminine role of the self-sacrificing, of my life with, but because I realized the extent restrained and virtuous woman whose relation- to which I had been deceiving myself prior to ship revolves around becoming a wife. They his leaving. upset compulsory heterosexuality by engaging in To be a “good feminist” is to be a strong wom- an unscripted, socially taboo relationship. As far an, and I had gotten good at wearing that facade. as sex itself goes, other women are active sexual Learning about the affair forced me to face some agents who debunk the myth that ladies only really uncomfortable truths about my relation- want it for love, that visceral longing is simply ships to feminism, myself and other women. My a guy thing. By engaging in a relationship with other woman was disturbingly like the person I a married (or monogamously coupled) man, the was then in so many ways—a feminist smarty- other woman can keep her needs central to the pants with a proclivity for intersectional activism, situation, get the good parts without having to one with a wickedly sharp sense of humour and a put up with the bad, and manoeuvre the tryst in talent for linguistic manipulation. a way that facilitates her own personal and sexual But even more unsettling for me were the ways liberation. She can act like a man, in other words. we weren’t alike, because they touched on so Nonetheless, I believe this is a short-sighted many of the internal places I didn’t feel at ease. perspective that requires a lot of theoretical as- She was short and skinny; I was tall and thick. sumptions that don’t tend to play themselves She was a wealthy, foreign-born academic whose out in real life. They certainly didn’t play out for sexual appetite was seemingly unquenched; I was Rosewarne, and they didn’t play out for the other semi-reformed poor white trash who lucked into woman with whom my husband had an affair. going to college and was too self-conscious and Let me back up and give you a bit more con- rape-damaged to have uninhibited sex. I despised text for my particular situation. After seven years her and wanted to be her—all the classic tropes. of what appeared to be a satisfying and healthy Another thing was different, however. In addi- relationship, I kissed my husband goodbye be- tion to feeling betrayed by my husband, I also felt fore what would have been a 10-week separation cheated by the sisterhood. while he went to another country to complete a Feminist author Robin Morgan taught me that short-term academic program. A week after he sisterhood is global, but the other woman showed arrived, he began a sexual relationship with one of me something entirely different. She showed me the other students in the course. I learned of the that the concept of sisterhood is nothing but affair and confronted him about it after another a charade that helps provide the illusion of a two weeks had passed. Knowing that he owed me large-scale, homogenous, interconnected feminist more than a transcontinental breakup, he boarded movement. That lesson was one gigantic bitter a plane and returned home the following morning. pill to swallow. 18 SUMMER 2011 HERIZONS her-054 Summer 2011 v25n1.indd 18 11-06-23 11:28 PM Yet there was still another struggle that needed to be surpassed—and this was one I had to deal with on my own. The other woman, shared anatomy or not, had and he’s no longer the inept man-child. Our no connection to me. In writing to her, I had task-sharing goes beyond evenly divvying up wanted her to express unsolicited guilt or remorse. the household chores and extends to divvying But she didn’t—and really, why should she? She up mutual emotional support and negotiating had no compelling reason to put some vague sense our personal needs. We communicate with more of vaginal solidarity ahead of her own immediate empathy and honesty than we once did. self-gratification. Thus, she went after what she Yet there was still another struggle that needed wanted, because that’s what good feminists do. to be surpassed—and this was one I had to deal Feminism, many would say, is about winning and with on my own. “When someone chooses to boosting one’s self-esteem. Some would therefore remain in a difficult relationship and tries to find it acceptable, even laudable, to accomplish improve it, we more readily classify her as hav- those personal goals, even at another woman’s ing low self-esteem, as dependent and clinging, expense. Truthfully, reconciling one’s self-serving as having no real backbone,” Rosewarne states. desires with building a more just world is quite a Given this popular construction of victims of struggle to manage—another personal-is-politi- infidelity, there is an inherent conflict in being a cal, theory-versus-action dilemma. feminist woman betrayed. In the aftermath of the affair, I had my own The hardest part of moving beyond the affair feminist dilemmas to sort through, such as has been the way my self-concept and feminist whether or not to stay with a man whose hurtful identity were affected.