RAG Week Pullout 2013 We’Ve Got the Guide in This Issue

“Keep the Cat Free”

08/02/13 Issue 1539 felixonline.co.uk

RAG Week Pullout 2013 We’ve got the guide in this issue. guide th February th - 15 of... 11 in aid Yep, pull one out this Valentine’s Day... The Sex Survey closes soon: felixonline.co.uk/sexsurvey

Imperial website Inside... redesign needs Banned from UCL Union >> your input Damage and theft on Medic RAG Pub Crawl SCIENCE Niall Jeffrey Reporter Image: UCLU Maciej Matuszewski Reporter

Th e College has embarked on the Website Redesign Project 2013 and Imperial students were banned from DO NOT has requested volunteers to aid them the University College London Un- in renewing the Imperial website for ion (UCLU) following accusations of the fi rst time since 2007. Events and criminal damage and theft by Med- ENTER consultations will take place over the ics RAG during their Circle Line Pub next weeks in an attempt to gain in- Crawl. sight into the views of student users. Th e ban came to light on Saturday What actually is According to the Rector’s staff brief- 2 February when a group of Imperial ing on the subject, the project will be students were turned away from the love? 14 led by Imperial’s Communications UCLU, located on Gordon Street, >> and Development and ICT depart- close to Euston train station. Th e stu- ment. Domain7, a web design agency, dents were told that the ban was the fi cers on Monday, he would ban Impe- peared to be taking part in the Imperi- have also been hired to support the result of the actions of another group rial students from entering the prem- al College School of Medicine Student project. of some 30 students who had come in ises over the weekend as a result of the Union’s (ICSMSU) Circle Line Pub COMMENT Th e refurbishment is meant to up- the previous night. theft.” He added that while “Imperial Crawl on Friday 1 February. Th e Pub date the website in order to meet the In a comment given to Felix Sam students are now allowed back in the Crawl is an annual charity fundrais- changing needs of the website. Th e Gaus, Democracy and Communica- bar, ... the two students who stole the ing event which fi nishes off ICSMSU’s College is keen to say that the cur- tions Offi cer at UCLU, said: “Some items are still banned from the bars”. RAG week. Th e UCLU bar, however, rent website is still “considered a sec- students in Imperial RAG t-shirts Th e nature of the items has not was not one of the offi cial destina- tor example of best practice”, but they were found having stolen something been disclosed but it is known that tions. aim at changing the suiting the site at from the UCLU on Friday night. Our they were stolen from UCL medical Shoaib Rivizi, the ICSMSU RAG what they see as a potentially diff erent Commercial Services Manager is the students. Th e Imperial students were Chair, expressed disappointment at audience structure and to refresh the license holder and so has the ability to wearing Raising and Giving (RAG) the behaviour of the Imperial stu- design with included mobile compat- ban people from entering the prem- t-shirts and have been confi rmed to dents, saying: “I think it is important ibility. ises at his discretion. He decided that be from ICSMSU RAG and not ICU to point out that neither ICSM RAG It will be the Domain7 agency that until he could talk to the Full-Time Of- RAG, which are separate. Th ey ap- nor ICSMSU condone theft or >> 6 How to be friends on 11 February will be organising multiple focus groups and interviews with benefits 19 with diff erent areas in the key audi- >> ence, with users and other stakehold- ers. Th ey are, therefore, still looking Syrian students face financial hardship for some volunteers from prospec- tive students, current students and Nida Mahmud News Editor However, the story is very diff erent for ily and friends at home, in a war-torn FOOD alumni. Participation in this may in- the Syrian students at UK universi- country. A country that has had over volve testing and feedback to optimise ties; the civil war in Syria means they 60,000 deaths since March 2011. It navigation and user-friendliness. To Over the last few weeks most stu- are unable to pay their fees or meet is currently uncertain what Imperial fi nd out more about taking part you dents at university have settled back living costs, they face the prospects College will do if Syrian students are can contact e.chesterman@imperial. into a routine of lectures, coursework of deportation and death. Topped aff ected, although none have come ac.uk. and exams as they return to univer- with this, they are dealing with the forward to say they are at the present Th is will be complemented with a sity ready to face the challenges ahead. continuous anguish facing their fam- time. >> 3 web forum on the 13th February covering development and design aspirations. Th is event can be attended by Education and Student Experience NSS Response: what has and hasn’t been improved Page 4 registering with Liz Smith: e.swift@ Survey still open. To clarify: this is imperial.ac.uk. completely anonymous. Business School to become a mentor Page 5 Finding the best For more general information: http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/edu- http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/webrede- cationoffi ce/strategy/students News in brief: snapshots of what’s going on Page 8 hot chocolate >>20 sign 2 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY EDITOR’S PICKS

FEATURES >>10 COMMENT >> 18 SPORT >>45 Volunteering Week Being a banker Football in Mordor A feature on the week of volun- So you want to be a banker Football with another one of teering opportunities to come. huh? This is the reality of the their reports. This time they go It details how to get involved daily life. It’s from someone on a journey that even Frodo and, more importantly, why who worked in the sector, so would say “pfffff, fuck that, I’ll you should. budding Gekkos, take note. stay at home” to.

CLASSIFIEDS Love your surveys Flyer Distributers wanted

Jump&Bounce is hiring a flyer distribution team and we would love to get the community involved. Teams will be lead by team managers. Distributions will Tim Arbabzadah be taking place at evening times at Shoreditch, Hoxton, Editor-in-Chief Southwark, Camden Town, Notting hill, Sheperds bush, Hammersmith & Fulham and Kensington. ust in case you wondering you with all my heart (oh, Valentine’s Syrian students if your eyes are being weird Day reference) to give your honest, Flyer distribution will start on the 21st FEB and fi nish or not: they aren’t. This frank opinions about everything. Also, The phrase no brainer comes to mind Jweek is the closest we get don’t sugar coat anything. What’s the with this one. The government should March 7th. to a Valentine’s issue, so I point on holding back? Better to be just guarantee to help them out. Fail- Campaign days THURS - FRI - SAT changed the colour of the top bit and completely upfront as opposed to tip ing that, Imperial should waive the the drop cap to red. How romantic. toeing around. Don’t be afraid to say fees and allow them to continue. It’s PAY £40 per 1000 flyers what you think, as it’s all anonymous. max ten students and so wouldn’t Education and Student If you think you have a great idea, put cost that much. Plus, how much is For more information: Get in touch with Brendon Kasozi your name down in the comment box one person’s safety worth? Just like Experience to bask in the glory. that Mastercard advert, it’s priceless. via [email protected] This was on last week’s front page Maybe you are apathetic and think What if that one person was you? Email [email protected] to place Classifi eds. and is still going on. It’s basically a that nothing will ever change. Well, Exactly, you’d be pretty sure you’re Boy/girl seeking boy/girl also welcome. Pictures of you smothered in peanut chance for you to fi ll out text boxes this is your chance to test that theory. worth waiving the fees for. If someone butter with “come hither” eyes not welcome. on different aspects of Education and If you, and a lot of people you know, all complains that it’s unfair treatment to the Student Experience. It’s a great put down similar suggestions and it’s waive one person’s fees and not an- idea, and is open to all students and ignored, you can then be satisfi ed that other’s, then ask them if they’d like to staff. Hopefully you all use it as an op- there was a preordained outcome and be kicked out of university and force- LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: Finding these is a perk of the job portunity to give your thoughts/have it was just a consultation for consul- fully removed from the country due to a massive moan/write an entire es- tations sake with an already decided something they have absolutely no say in text speak (delete as appropri- strategy. At least you’ll have learnt control over. ate). The best thing about this is that your lesson, and can know to never Hopefully the government will step the Pro-Rector (Education) will be bother engaging again, keep your in and this situation will be resolved. personally reading the recommenda- head down, get your degree and get tions. This means that you get to go out of here. Or, the other answer could Get ready to be bombarded straight to the source with what you be that your ideas are just terrible. Al- think should be happening. Do you ternatively it could just be that loads with free sweets think podcasts are great or a waste of of people thought something else and time? Do you think they are taking too so that was acted upon. Either one. Or perhaps be the bombarder? Nomi- long to implement and you just need But you seem like a clever person so nations are still open. If you’re consid- to get a camera set up and whack it wouldn’t be number two. ering running: talk to the current per- them on YouTube, or do you want a To summarise: fi ll out the survey! son, decide what you want to change slow phasing in? You’re being given And give me a tenner. No? Okay, just and how, and then just click that the chance to have your say. I urge fi ll out the survey then. Worth a shot. “Stand” button.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2013. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah Deputy Editor Saskia Verhagen Assistant Editor Matt Colvin News Editors Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud Features Editors Caroline Wood, Stephen Smith Business Editor Deepka Rana Science Editors Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett Politics Editors Padraic Calpin, Marie-Laure Hicks Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti Comment Editors George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang Arts Editors Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Music Editors Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter Television Editor Lucia Podhorska Film Editors Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles Games Editor Ross Webster Technology Editors Jason Parmar, Maximilian Eggl Coffee Break Boss Matt Colvin Travel Editor Veronika McQuade Sports Editors Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky Online Editors Philip Kent, Jonathan Kim Puzzles Commanders Louisa Byrne, Sotirios Karamitsos Copy Chief Annina Sartor Copy Editors Thomas Lim, Matt Colvin, Christopher Witham Illustrators Hamish Muir, Outi Supponen Corrections and clarifications: In the article “Imperial launches Education and Student Strategy Survey” there was a typo. To make it clear: the survey is anonymous. In an article entitled “Heatwave at the corona”, the author was miscredited. The actual author is Pavitar Devgon. Both have been fixed online. Felix apologises for the errors. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 3

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected]

Government urged to help those who face deportation to Syria if removed from courses Action Syria

continued from the front page be used to assist timeline of events explaining what >> with tuition fee Nida Mahmud has happened over the last two Th e government has been urged payment but can News Editor years. Syria is a war-torn country, to show clemency and help Syrian help with living where hundreds die every day; students who are at the risk of be- costs. Students this campaign is a great way for ing ejected from their university and can fi nd further Now the big question: how can you to help make a difference (and deported from the UK. Th ere are information by you help? And how can you learn wasn’t that one of your New Year approximately 670 Syrian students visitinghttp:// more about the situation in Syria? resolutions?). studying in the UK, approximately www3.imperial. Everything can be answered by The website also has a link to the 80% are on postgraduate courses. Th e ac.uk/studentfi- two simple words: Action Syria. Avaaz petition, the one that wants lack of funding means they face being nance/current- Action Syria is a student lead the Syrian Students to be able to removed from their courses. Mansour students/hard- initiative, backed by the Union at continue with their studies in the Shaeban, a former Computing student shipfund .” Imperial to raise awareness and UK. So if you want to help out, at Bolton was expelled last for not be- Avaaz, an on- humanise the civil unrest in Syria. please sign it. ing able to receive money from his line pressure The organisers want to demon- The organisers succinctly ex- family to pay tuition. Many of these group, have set strate solidarity and express that plained the motivation for this students were funded by Syria’s higher up a petition Syria is being remembered by campaign, “we want to actively education ministry, which has ceased demanding the Imperial College. The campaign portray that ‘we have not forgot- awarding grants. Other students have Foreign Offi ce runs from the 1st to the 22nd ten’, the website and social media had their fees suspended for standing assist Syrian February. Detailed information is a way of raising awareness and against the Syrian regime. Th e Syrian students, as was is outlined on the website www. to humanise what can so easily embassy in London processes the pay- done in 2011 for actionsyria.com. The website is become statistic after statistic. It’s ments, but it has come to a halt, being the Libyan stu- packed with information, so make a campaign which also aims to left with just a skeleton of staff ; fur- dents during the sure you visit it. The crisis in Syria raise funds for medicine, provide thermore, international sanctions are Libyan revolu- was bought about by a few simple organised information about the in place on the country’s banks. Con- tion. Th e peti- words. Do you know what they situation and enables everyone to sequently, self-funded students are tion currently are? (Don’t worry if you don’t as help out in any way possible.” unable to receive money from their has over 46,000 they’re on the website). There will There is also a Facebook page family in Syria. signatures. also be a lecture by experts on the that gives daily updates: https:// Last October, the UK Borders Agen- Avazz is appeal- humanitarian crisis on the 12th of www.facebook.com/ActionSyria. cy announced temporary concessions ing for the gov- February so keep your eyes wide Whether or not you are a tweeter, for Syrian nationals, enabling visa ernment ministers to step in: William wishing to receive money from or via a open for that, it is one not to be be sure to check out #ActionSyria. extensions or the switching of visa Hague, the Foreign Secretary; Vince designated Syrian entity should apply missed. Additionally, there is a full So get informed and get involved. categories without leaving the UK; Cable, Minister for Business, Innova- to the Treasury by email for a licence, however, this is yet to be addressed tion and Skills; and David Willetts, setting out the amount and purpose of as these concessions will expire on 15 Universities Minister, to ensure the the transaction as well as the individu- March. Many students currently face Syrian students continue their stud- als, organisations and banks involved.” an uncertain future; some have had ies in the UK. Th ey have tracked many Th e British Council has set up a Sponsored Editorial their student status suspended, while students who have been expelled from hardship fund to support the living others will not be able to graduate till their courses, while there are others costs to fund the 100 Syrian scholars their fees have been paid. Without that could be expelled as they are un- who are studying in the UK on the funding, many students are struggling able to pay their fees. When removed main Syrian government scholarship. More student cuts to make ends meet for their living from their courses, they run into dif- Certain universities are allowing the costs. fi culties with their visas and face de- deferral of fees and providing sup- Liam Burns, President of the NUS, portation to war areas. If they have port through hardship funds, allowing Discount haircuts for Imperial commented: “Th e situation in Syria any connections to the opposition, students to continue with their study. is devastating enough without uni- they will be arrested on their return. Th e Council for Assisting refugee versities turning their backs on those Luis Morago, the campaign direc- Academics has been providing help to students at Fresh Hairdressers currently studying in the UK. What tor for Avaaz, commented: “Th e UK academics in danger for 80 years, has we urgently need to see is every Syr- beats the drum for action on Syria also launched an appeal to help aca- near South Kensington ian student is given support when fi - but has done little to help hundreds demics facing hardship. nances aren’t forthcoming so they can of Syrian students in Britain who face Christian Gilmore, a campaigner for Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) discount and bring your student ID continue their studies. Th is has to be being thrown off their courses. Th e the Syrian students, said “it is in the Women’s cut and rough dry £28 we look forward to seeing you. the least the UK can do considering UK government must intervene and interest of the British government to Women’s cut and salon fi nish We use only the best products, the tragic circumstances of the con- ensure they can continue their studies help these people and to follow up in blow-dry £38 (normally £55) Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal, and fl ict in Syria.” in Britain.” its commitment. Th ey may not be able KMS and offer free coffee and Imperial College London currently Two weeks ago a statement was re- to solve the international problem FRESH Hairdressers has been herbal teas. has ten students who have Syria list- leased from David Willetts, the uni- right now but helping Syrian students offering high quality, fashionable To book an appointment call 0207 ed as their primary citizenship. Th e versities minister, in association with is 100% in their control. haircuts for over 20 years. All of 823 8968. International Offi ce said that no stu- the FCO and Treasury; he said that the Husam Helmi, 32, who is fi nish- our haircuts are by highly experi- Tuesday to Saturdays 9.30 to 5.30 dents have approached them about government is working with the Uni- ing his PhD in economics at Lon- enced stylists, NOT trainees. We are only 70 metres from South the situation at this time. versities UK Higher Education Inter- don Brunel University, said he had Kensington tube station. When asked about what the College national Unit to identify ways to assist to take odd jobs to care for his wife TO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT www.freshhairdressers.co.uk would do to help students, a College students. He said: “Th e government and daughter. Between study, unpaid 1) You don’t have to spend a lot of spokesperson said: “Any student who appreciates the potential challenges university fees and the news from his money at expensive trendy salons experiences an unexpected change in faced by students living in the UK who home in Dareia, near Damascus in 2) You don’t have to spend hours their fi nancial circumstances, includ- wish to receive money from countries Syria, he said the pressure, was unre- as a Guinea pig at a training school ing tuition fees, can contact the Stu- that are subject to fi nancial sanctions lenting. “We’re struggling,” Mr Helmi 3) You don’t have to be butchered dent Hub, the College Tutors or the and looks favourably on licence appli- said. “We are struggling with more at some cheap Barbers Union’s Student Advice Centre for cations to enable the fi nancing of edu- than one problem. Th ey want us to 4) You don’t have to wait till you go information and advice. Th e College cation. All applications are considered solve our own problems, but to fi nd back home Hardship Fund is also available to help on a case by case basis and nationality a job, fi nish our studies and deal with students experiencing unexpected is not a factor in any licensing deci- our emotional situation is very diffi - Come to FRESH, ask for a student fi nancial hardship. Th e Fund cannot sion. Syrian students within the UK cult”. 4 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected] NSS Response: what has changed With the NSS in full swing this year, Yulia Negreskul sees where progress was made and not made on last year’s suggestions

he National Student Sur- All of these have possibly contributed time in a less formal vey (NSS) is completed to the improved NSS score in teaching, environment, further Assessment by every ﬁ nal year under- allowing Imperial to reach the national encouraging commu- Whilst feedback is in general both prompt and of extremely Group design project was a graduate student across average. Nevertheless, a few other rec- nity spirit, which is that 62% high quality, it is occasionally YHU\UHZDUGLQJH[HUFLVHb T and Feedback late, or downright lacking. the country and has been ommendations could be followed to valued by the NSS. 2012 run since 2005 by HEFCE, an organisa- further improve this aspect. For exam- Another problem MATHEMATICS STUDENT AERONAUTICAL ENGINEERING tion responsible for public funding of ple, whilst staﬀ are required to under- that hasn’t been ad- STUDENT English universities. Being the only way take courses when they start lecturing, dressed in the past The timing of the feedback Assessment of work is utterly to assess student experience through- further training is not always compulso- year is poor timeta- There haas been a clear didn’t allow the students to disgraceful at times: We are 54% 52% improvement in feedback understand the issues raised not told about deadlines or out their time in university on a nation- ry and varies between departments. Th e bling where sometimes quality durring the past few in order to implement them the marking criteria, whilst 2011 22001010 22000099 \\HDUVb because of the next piece of marks and feedback is not al scale, it plays a crucial role in univer- Union suggests that “baseline standards students living across work. consistent.

sity ranking process and is widely held should be enforced across College, sup- London need to come BIOLOGGY STUDENT PHYSICS STUDENT CHEMICAL ENGINEERING responsible for the poor performance plemented with frequent reviews.” in only for one lecture. STUDENT in the Sunday Times League Table for As for ‘Assessment and Feedback’, Moreover, last year the 70% *UHDWVXSSRRUWLQWKHȴUVW\HDU 7HDFKHUVDQG8*RɝFHGRQRWJLYHIHHGEDFNRQ 2012 entry, where Imperial lost 11 posi- which is still College’s weakest section, Union suggested mov- SECTOR AVERAGE One-on-one advice from of the coursee, detailed one-to- FRXUVHZRUNRUH[DPVGXHWRFROOHJHSROLF\7KLVD΍HFWV WXWRUVDQGVWD΍ZKHQQHHGHG one feedback sessions. Group all the students negatively as they get frustrated and tions. with the satisfaction rates nearly 10% ing timetable to a dif- Good support in terms of projects in tthird year pushed suddenly don’t care about improving. The feedback ȴQDQFLDODQGSDVWRUDOPDWWHUVb us to learn many new skills, should be given with exact marks and comments. Following the NSS 2011 results, below the national average, ranking Im- ferent software such as DQGWRSUHVVHQWRXUȴQGLQJV Interdepartmental communication is very poor.

the Union President at the time Scott perial 143rd out of 168 HEIs, very few Optime or at least mak- EARTH SCIENCES STUDENT MATHEMAATICS STUDENT MATERIALS STUDENT Heath, Deputy President (Education) recommendations have been followed. ing it synchronize by 66% Jason Parmer and the Representative Th is includes stricter deadlines to en- default with calendars Assessment and Coordinator came up with a report, sure prompt feedback, clearer marking such as Outlook and RUSSELL GROUP feedback spread from AVERAGE which provided 35 recommendations criteria and weighting of each piece of iCal, to make the track- NSS 2012 Response NSS 2012 Response Page 20 the NSS ResponsePage 21 on how to improve student experi- coursework and exam, as well as making of changes easy. Un- imperialcollegeunion.org/nssreport imperialcollegeunion.org/nssreport ence at Imperial. A year later current ing the assignments relevant rather than fortunately this recom- Union President Paul Beaumont and giving work ‘just for the sake of it’. How- mendation also hasn’t been taken up. Deputy President (Education) Doug ever, the Union feels that ICT projects Major course changes are still not dis- Unfortunately, it has not been imple- the university. Hunt report on the progress made fol- such as ‘custom’ systems, which could cussed with the student body, who are mented. Furthermore, the Union feels Even though most recommendations lowing those recommendations, as well act as an alternative to Blackboard, often not told about them, as one bio- that ICT could be used to improve the haven’t been fully embraced by the Col- as coming up with new ones to further could be used to improve the feedback chemistry student noted: “Students are rates of SOLE and NSS by pop-ups on lege, some positive changes are seen as a improve student satisfaction. Accord- and assessment programmes. Moreo- generally not consulted or informed of College computers, for example, but result of these suggestions, which might ing to them, “Imperial College Union ver, this year Deputy President (Educa- signifi cant changes to the course that this is something still to be seen. Nev- well have contributed to the ranking for takes the NSS results seriously because tion) and Deputy President (Welfare) directly aff ect them, or informed at the ertheless, when it came to the Library 2013 entry where Imperial has moved 6 we believe our students should be satis- became members of Representation very last minute.” Th e Union highlights and the Union campaign to challenge positions in comparison to the previous fi ed with the world class education they & Welfare Board, which will help to how important that is to avoid the sce- unfair journal pricing, the College fully year, making Imperial 8th. receive.’ Th ey also note that ‘potential “inform the student representatives of nario seen with the organization of Life supported them. College were contacted for comment talented students should also not be what is happening in higher education sciences, which “attracted mass bad In addition to the 35 made last year, and replied: “Feedback from Imperial deterred from applying to Imperial by at a College and national level.” publicity.” three new recommendations were College Union, both in the form of its looking at our national league table When it comes to “Academic Sup- “Learning resources” is by far the added and these include training of NSS Response and through sabbaticals’ rankings, brought down by the NSS report”, the Union feels that this section most successful of all the sections Graduate Teaching Assistants to im- regular meetings with senior staff , is al- sults.” has been addressed the least regarding for Imperial with satisfaction at 92%, prove their feedback quality as well as ways taken seriously and helps inform Some of the suggestions made by the recommendations made last year which is 10% above the sector average. ‘best practice’ reports for each depart- improvements the College makes. In- the Union were fully embodied by the – buddies, moms and dads and other Regardless of great eff orts of some de- ment, which refl ect on the changes dividual departments have prepared College. When it comes to reward- similar schemes don’t work well, result- partments to provide lecture record- they’ve made. Furthermore, it has been action plans focused on enhancing the ing innovation in teaching there have ing in lack of mutual academic support ings and podcasts, it was suggested last suggested that the College invests more student experience they off er – includ- been great improvements with the between diff erent year groups. Conse- year to allocate a few members of staff into the communication with students, ing looking at elements such as teach- Union providing funding for a teach- quently there is neither a feeling of com- to e-learning to improve communica- as it will help to resolve many issues ing approaches and assessment and ing awards system run by students. Th e munity nor academic succession, which tion between ICT and the department. where students feel out of touch with feedback.” Union plans to extend the awards to are particularly invaluable for those include research supervisors since over who are just starting their degree. Th e 20% of Imperial’s students are research Union suggests that the departments postgraduates. Another success of the organise social events so that ‘parents’ past year is the campaign ‘You Said, and ‘children’ could meet up. We Did’, which has been embraced by As for personal tutors, there are dif- the College. Nevertheless, the Union ferent approaches within the university, feels that “further work is still neces- making it diffi cult to determine a tutor’s sary to completely convince students responsibilities. Furthermore, there is that the College takes SOLE seriously.” no proper feedback system to see how Furthermore, this year the Union Presi- the tutors are doing. Th is means that the dent and Deputy President (Education) dissatisfi ed students, who are not likely were invited to become members of the to complain to the Senior Tutor, are Strategic Education Committee, which never spotted. Furthermore, the Union determines overall education strategies feels that tutors should monitor the ac- across the College, and this allows them ademic progress of their charges more to become more engaged with decision closely and that the meetings should be making. timetabled and probably should take FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 5

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Business School to mentor Indian school

Nida Mahmud News Editor BMU will beneﬁ t our students, who der Singh Hooda. can take advantage of the opportunity BMU aims to create a talented com- to study and learn in a fast paced and munity of students that excel in teach- Improving management education is evolving environment, further increasing, learning and research; the major the focus of a new alliance between ing their expertise and experience. We focus will be on technological advance- Imperial College Business School and look forward to exchanging ideas, stu- ment and socio-economic develop- the Hero Group in India. The Busi- dents and knowledge with BMU.” ment. The Business School was chosen ness school at Imperial will assist BML The agreement was signed on 9 Janu- by BMU to participate in this alliance Munjal University (BMU) in India, to ary 2013 in New Delhi. It was attended due to its expertise in innovation and develop its School of Management. by representatives of Imperial College entrepreneurship. Likewise, the Hero So, are you going The Business School will act as a men- London, this includes the President & Group has over 50 years of successful to clean up that tor institution; helping BMU to form, Rector, Sir Keith O’Nions; Professor business operations, with revenues of spillage on this nice develop and grow its School of Man- Gerard George, the Deputy Principal over $8 bn. They are one of the most white table cloth? agement. The collaboration will focus for Faculty and Programmes at the respected business houses in India and on both research and education activi- Business School, and Director of the have a world leadership position in ties. BMU will open to students in July Rajiv Gandhi centre. Notable guests many of their businesses. 2014. also joined them, including the Indian The relationship includes the design- Professor Dorothy Grifﬁ ths, Princi- Education Minister Mr Pallam Raju, ing of teaching programmes and the “We are starting from scratch to create of leaders in India, it creates a platform pal of the Business School, said: “India Minister of Law Mr Ashwani Kumar, development of the curriculum; as well the Business School as part of a global for collaboration and immersion for our is one of the fastest growing economies Deputy Chairman of the Planning as student exchange and summer pro- university with a focus on research and students and our faculty. It is a window and this is a great opportunity for the Commission of the Republic of India grammes, joint research projects, fac- teaching excellence. Not only does it of opportunity for us to learn from In- Business School to be at the heart of Mr Montek Singh Ahluwalia, and the ulty exchange and executive education. allow the Business School to play a vi- dia just as much as they learn from our this exciting story. Our partnership with Chief Minister of Haryana Mr Bhupin- Professor Gerry George commented: tal role in shaping the next generation experience and expertise.” Driving Lessons For Imperial Students •A special offer for Imperial students Free Mock Test from from Denis Smyth retired Driving Examiner •Driving Standards Agency (DSA) Accredited Instructor 5 Driving Lessons for •Mock Test Examiner £95 "Denis is a fantastic teacher and knows how to get people from completely inexperienced and utterly hopeless driving up to the standard to pass their test. He is always calm and his comments are constructive; his knowledge of London and his knack of engineering driving routes that test the learner make the lessons more than worth it. Since I have met him he has shown a great desire to offer cheaper lessons to Imperial students and with the backing of other students I am more than happy to support him."

- Alex Kendall, IC Union President 2010-11

"I learned to drive in one of the busiest cities in the world. I passed first time. Would I recommend Denis? Without hesitation."

- Leon Vanstone, Aeronautical Engineering To make inquiries and book lessons, call 07808 610 898 6 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected]

th UCLU was not The 111 Bottle Match on the route Lewis Ryan RSMU President such a bottle proudly displayed behind bringing home their respective tro- continued from the front page the Union Bar for the past two years. phies. Finally, netball will be fi ghting >> In fact out of the last 17 Bottle Match- to come back from their undeserved vandalism. Everyone taking part in Th e biggest event in the Royal School es, the Royal School of Mines has won loss last year, and re-establish their our events is aware of the negative ef- of Mines’ calendar is once again upon a respectable 14. winning streak over CSM. fects that this kind of behaviour could us. On the 22 and 23 February, the Last year, the RSM had a very con- Th e Royal School of Mines and bring to Imperial, the medical school second oldest varsity match after the vincing win against Camborne of 22- Camborne School of Mines alter- and the charity we are collecting for.” Oxbridge boat-race will take the stage 0; let’s hope they bring us more of a nate in hosting the varsity weekend, However, he also stressed that ICSM- for the 111th year. Th e varsity is be- challenge this year. Despite the rugby and after a very successful trip down SU “never asked or even encouraged tween the RSM and the Camborne being the climax of the weekend and to Cornwall last year for RSM, Cam- anyone to go to the UCL Union and it School of Mines based in Cornwall, the ultimate decider of victory, the two borne will be taking the trip up to was not one of the assigned pubs on and is ultimately decided with a game mining schools now challenge each London this year. Th e Bottle Match our circle line route”, adding that while of rugby that concludes a two day cat- other in golf, netball, squash, hockey is the defi nition of a great rivalry, and “RAG has organized the collect, [it] alogue of sports. and football. Each of which has its with a great rivalry comes even great- cannot be accountable for the actions Th e RSM and CSM began this own trophy and glory presented to the er support. Last year the RSM had of two irresponsible students acting sporting rivalry in December of 1906, winning institution. Th e RSM men’s around 200 keen supporters making 4ft man holds out of their own accord”. Furthermore playing rugby against each other to hockey team will be looking for their the cross-country journey, and it will bottle of wine “ RAG t shirts ... were bought by med- determine which prestigious institu- fi rst victory since 2008, and the ladies not be a surprise to have just as many ics and non medics, so [it] cannot be tion had greater athletic dominance. will be looking to overcome CSM for Camborne miners at Harlington next certain that [those involved] are part 20 years later, the trophy was born the second time in three years. Th e Saturday. For the fi rst time there will of the medical school”. after students of the RSM stole a 3ft football team is looking stronger than be a food van and a bar open through- and support Th e Bottle Match, the While neither ICSMSU nor the cen- Bottle from a Bass Brewery lorry and ever, and after holding CSM to a 0-0 out the Saturday at Harlington, fol- Saturday (23rd) begins at Harlington tral Union have received any formal was decorated with the crests of the draw last year will be looking to capi- lowed by the traditional player’s din- at 9am, and the rugby will end the complaint from UCLU the ICSMSU two mining schools. Th e winner of talise on their home soil. Squash was ner back at Imperial. Th e weekend is day kicking off at 2pm. Join us in the plans to fully investigate the inci- the rugby match gets to take home the settled last year with a 5-0 victory to capped off with an awards ceremony Union from around 8pm for the after- dent when its President, Shiv Vohra, Bottle for the year, some of the more RSM, and golf was drawn at 2-2, but and after-party in Metric. party. Let’s bring the Bottle back to the returns from annual leave later this observant of you may have noticed both RSM teams are confi dent of Anyone is welcome to come along Union Bar for the third year in a row! month.

IMPERIAL COLLEGE IMPERIAL MEDICALS

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/SPORTIMPERIAL the BIG 1 Pick your ELECTIONS position Pick the position you want to run for by selecting 2013 Positions on the menu in eVoting. WE NEED 2 Click on the Stand button Click on the big button on the top right of the webpage and follow the YOU! steps. NOMINATIONS 3 NOW OPEN Get your Seconder Get your Seconder to go 4 February online and support your till nomination. 3 March Find out more online union.ic.ac.uk/arts/artsfest/2013 8 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected]

Money Week Secretary of Undergraduate applications Union elections offers prizes State for Energy for next year rise while open

Th ere will be an event in Level 2 of and Climate postgraduates fall Th is week, the Union opened nomi- the Sherfi eld Building at 11:30am - nations for the upcoming elections 2:30pm on Tuesday 12 February in for its part- and full-time positions. aid of Student Money Week. Th e aim Change to give A paper from the College Secretary Offi ce for Statistics, the number of 18 Th e Big Elections 2013, as the Union of the Week is to raise awareness of reveals that Imperial College’s un- year olds in the UK population is fall- are publicising them, are this year the student fi nancial issues and off er help, talk at Imperial dergraduate application rate has in- ing; the drop was at the rate of 1.4% stage for 56 people to be chosen to advice and off er tips on how to save creased on last year against a backdrop last year. Imperial College has a large represent Imperial students in their money and helping students budget- of falling applicant rates to UK univer- number of overseas and international respective capacities. ing day-to-day. Th e Student Financial Edward Davey, Secretary of State for sities across the board. Postgraduate students, with ~30% from outside the Nominations opened on the 4th Support Team and the Student Advis- Energy and Climate Change, will be application numbers, however, are at EU, so would be less aff ected than February, and at the time of writing er from Imperial College Union will be giving a talk at Imperial College Lon- present lower than last year. most other universities. many people have already been nomi- available and will be available to off er a don on Wednesday 13 February. He Th e number of students applying Of course, Imperial is still an attrac- nated according to the “Big Elections” money “health check”. will be giving the annual Newitt Lec- to study undergraduate courses at tive prospect. Th e is still high in the website. Th e fact that there are already Th e stand will be off ering a “Guess ture on the energy challenge faced by Imperial for 2013 entry is up by 4.2% league tables and is a relatively well fi ve people who have been nominated the price” competition where students society. compared to last year’s 2012 entry sta- known university, so it may be that it for ICU President also shows that the can win prizes by guessing the prices Th e title of the talk will be “Th e tistics. Th is is more signifi cant against is continuing to attract students even competition is hotting-up. of groceries. Th ere will also be prizes Energy Challenge: Technology and the trend in the UK, with last year’s when universities seem to be a less Th is should not deter any would be in a “Price is right” test, which will see Solutions”, and is hosted by the De- UCAS data revealing a 7.4% drop in credible choice. candidates, who still have until 23.59 what students know about accommo- partment of Chemical Engineering. application rates in a year. In contrast to this, the postgradu- on the night of the 3rd of March to go dation costs. Spaces are very limited and it is main- Th e cause for the drop has been at- ate fi gures are down on last year. It is online and nominate themselves. For Th ere will also be the chance to ly for those studying Chemical Engi- tributed to combination of various still early in the recruitment cycle, and everybody to get involved in, the actu- win a £20 shopping voucher. To win, neering. Registration was released for eff ects including ripples from the tui- so this fi gure is not yet concrete. Th e al voting opens at 12:00 on Friday the students must complete a short quiz, staff and students in the Department tion fees rise and population eff ects. Management Board have responded 8th March and closes a week later on which will close at 14:30 on Tuesday of Chemical Engineering on Wednes- Th e main group causing the fall is UK by requesting monthly updates on the the 15th March. Th e fi nal results will 12 February and the winner will be an- day 6 February. applicants who, in the UCAS data, situation with fresh fi gures. be announced at the Results Party in nounced on Wednesday 12 February. had an even greater 8.7% drop. Ap- Metric the same evening. Tim Arbabzadah Tim Arbabzadah parently, according to the National Niall Jeffrey Niall Jeffrey

Moving out of halls and thinking about accommodation for next year? ?

Don’t miss the Private Housing Talk Tuesday 26 February 2013! Wiinn an iP ad mini!

When and where: Join us for: » advice on moving out of halls 16.30 Exhibition opens in the Queen’s Tower Rooms » tips and advice on when and where 18.00 Talk in the Great Hall to start looking for a place to live in the private sector 19.00 Exhibition continues with » a FREE prize draw to win an iPad mini! learning how much you can expect to pay for rent and other costs » advice on your rights as a tenant and how to deal with landlords and their contracts » tips on moving in/out » exclusive opportunities to meet estate agents, landlords and other accommodation service providers Sponsored by Learn more at: www.facebook.com/ www.imperial.ac.uk/accommodation imperialstudentaccommodation FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 9

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] Imperial College International Development Conference Dhanvi Bosamia introduces you to the inaugural event

mperial Hub will be bringing cations can bring clean water to rural to you Imperial College’s in- communities, something which we augural International Devel- take for granted on a day to day basis. Iopment Conference (IC IDC) We only have two years left to reach on 23rd February 2013. Th e the UN’s 2015 Millennium Develop- conference will bring together lead- ment Goals and progress towards ing thinkers in academia, government reaching these targets varies country and global development to consider by country. Th is is where we as young “Th e Role of Science and Technology scientists and engineers play an inin International Development”. creasingly important role. Over the With Imperial College having some next decade, we will be the leading of the brightest young minds in sci- ﬁ gures in the world and we will be the ence and engineering, the theme for ones who have the chance to make a this IDC at Imperial is the ideal way change and reach the next set of tar- to introduce the topic of international gets, what better place to start than at development. the IC IDC? But why is development so impor- Th e IDC will bring together speak- tant? In 2008, 1.29 billion people were ers from a range of backgrounds to- living below the poverty line (on less gether to discuss international devel- than $1.25 per day). You might say opment in an inspiring environment. it’s not possible for us to make a dif- Speakers include Dr Kirsty Newman, ference and lift these people out of from the UK’s Department for Inter- poverty, but estimates have suggested national Development and Imperial’s that the extreme poverty rate be- own Professor Alan Fenwick OBE tween 1990 and 2008 was halved! So talking on infectious diseases. it’s not just negative statistics that are Early bird tickets are now on sale hanging about, but instead the posi- at www.imperialidc.org at £6 for stu- tive ones like these are inspirational. dents, which includes a day of semi- More information: Visit www.imperialidc.org Imagine what a diﬀ erence the use of nars from leading speakers and your science, technology and engineering lunch! Twitter: @ic_idc in developing countries could make; IC-IDC will be your opportunity healthcare accessibility could be to hear from leading speakers in the rapidly improved through the use of realm of international development Get involved: Just drop an email to: mobile technologies, access to educa- to see how you can be the one to tion and learning could also be made make a change and a positive global [email protected] equally accessible. Engineering appli- impact.

facebook.com/FelixImperial @feliximperial Write for us! Please. felixonline.co.uk Go on, you already said you do on your CV. Make that true... Email: [email protected] 10 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, FEATURES Caroline Wood [email protected] It’s finally here! STUDENT V Madeleine Maxwell let’s you know what it’s all about, and why you should care

tudents – other than being vince you that it really, really should. you’re doing something that you care grounds and walks of life. Keeping an and to push us in a different di- the drunken, lazy, selfi sh For those of you that have already about. open mind and understanding other rection. When you volunteer, you creatures we’re perceived to pondered this topic, have decided that people’s perspectives is essential to constantly find yourself in new and Sbe by all those people with it’s not for you, and are thinking about It’s a 2-way street our future development. Th e peo- occasionally uncomfortable situa- real jobs – are also an amaz- fl ipping straight to the centrefold... Volunteering undoubtedly leaves you ple you meet volunteering, whether tions, and you deal with them. You ing resource. We are young, healthy Please visit this website: www.sparked. with that warm tingly feeling that it’s fellow volunteers or the head of become more comfortable with tak- (hopefully), intelligent people with a com to fi nd out about micro-volun- comes with doing a truly good deed. an NGO, could one day help you to ing risks and putting yourself out massive capacity to bring about real teering. Here, 20 minutes or an hour So, even though the primary aim of realise your ambitions. Volunteering there, and you grow as a person. You change. of your time can truly make a diff er- volunteering should be to help some- can also supply you with references learn something about yourself too, Next week is Student Volunteering ence. Th e “Sparked” platform involves one, or a cause, you ultimately help for job and internship applications. maybe a talent you didn’t know you Week; a national week brought to you matching a “request” from a charity or yourself too. Volunteering does and Even without the reference, research possessed, a career path you hadn’t by NUS and your very own Imperial individual to a pool of potential “solv- should benefi t both the cause AND by Reed employment found that 73% considered... Hub aimed at celebrating the enor- ers” – the micro-volunteers. the volunteer – it’s about doing good employers would hire candidates Th ere are many, many more reasons mous contribution that student vol- For everyone else, read on to fi nd for others as well as for yourself. Be- who had volunteered over those who why you should volun- t e e r. unteers make to their communities out why I think we should all volun- fore you volunteer, think about how hadn’t. But really, you just across the country, and inspiring the teer. you are going to help, and also ask have to give it a next generation of student volunteers. yourself “what am I going to gain from Don’t a be slave of circumstance go – I bet I can hear what’s going through your Discover your passionate side this experience?” Whether it’s devel- How easy is it…You spend all day in you won’t head already – I don’t have time for Spending the afternoon in an old peo- oping skills, meeting people, or just lectures and labs, maybe do a stint look back. this. And I’m not pretending that eve- ple’s home listening to a woman with the warm tingly feeling…(mmm) in the Library, eat some dinner… For ryone has limitless free time to spend a beard repeating the story of her you eventually have a chance to re- some volunteering. I know that Imperial’s son’s birth 20 times might be some- Networking lax – what do you do? Hang out with more timetable is pretty horrendous. Some one’s idea of heaven… but maybe it’s It may seem superfi cial and contra- friends? Watch an episode of some- inspiration, of us eff ectively have full time jobs not yours. When you volunteer, you dictory, but networking is incred- thing with some really good looking read on for with 9am to 5pm days, as well as so- have to fi nd a cause or organisation ibly important – not just for corpo- people in it? And then bed. And the some exam- cial lives, maybe we play sport, there’s that you feel genuinely moved and rations; not just for marketing and same thing the next day. And the one ples of the so much good TV at the moment… motivated by. You will be in a much making a profi t, but also for individu- after. Wake up! great oppor- and we enjoy sleep – so where does better position to learn something, to als, and for innovation. Volunteering Every now and then we need tunities that volunteering fi t in? For most of us, it make an actual diff erence, and have is another way to meet a whole range something new; a fresh perspec- exist here at doesn’t. Th is article will hopefully con- an impact on those you’re helping if of people from totally diff erent back- tive to really shake up our routine Imperial.

Great opportunities that you can get involved in...

Student Action for Refugees sible. I truly believe that the value of volun- perspectives. To stay creative! Get Student Action for Refugees (STAR) teering, and the attitude that sur- out there and make a genuine diﬀ er- at Imperial is part of a national net- Talk to me London rounds it – one of respect, ence. Learn something about your- work of students working to improve As part of Student Volunteering generosity and open- self. Learn something about people. the lives of asylum seekers and refu- Week, LSE, UCL and Imperial mindedness – cannot Become a better person. Spend your gees in the UK though volunteering are launching a collaborative be underestimated. time IMPROVING A SITUATION. and campaigning projects. Students project – “Talk to me Lon- Th e point is: if you Imagine how well you’re going to from Nottingham University original- don”. Th is student-led are volunteer- sleep at night… and all this – for free. ly founded STAR 20 years ago, and the campaign aims to tackle ing your time Student Volunteering Week is the STAR network now consists of 34 uni- the issue of social iso- for a cause or perfect opportunity to get involved. versity groups – student volunteering lation by getting Lon- organisation To see the diversity of opportunities at its best. doners to talk to each that you feel there are out there, and to under- other – on campus, genuinely stand why the volunteering should Interact on the tube… every- passionate play a more central role in all of our If you’re not sure you can make a regu- where! Badges saying about, you lives. And if you’re too busy next lar commitment, Interact is the soci- “Talk to me London” don’t be- week, drop us an email or come in ety for you. Th ey organise a variety along with cards grudge this for a chat at the Imperial Hub. You of one-oﬀ , student-led volunteer pro- with conversation time spent: never know… you might end up feel- jects in the local community around starters have been you want to ing just as passionate about student Imperial. Past opportunities include designed and will be be there! volunteering, and about the capacity helping out at homeless shelters, vis- distributed throughout We are of student volunteers to make things iting museums with the elderly and the week – get yours at students at an happen, as we do. conservation projects. the JCR on Wednesday incredibly aca- 13th, or come along to the demically intense Register for one of our events here: Imperial Paediatrics Talk to me London pub quiz university – but www.imperialhub.org/svw2013 Imperial Paediatrics is an incredibly on Th ursday! Th is project will also one that values popular new initiative involving stu- hopefully embolden students to innovation and interdis- dents from Imperial visiting patients engage with their local community, ciplinary, creative research. in the paediatric ward at St. Mary’s and also create a great platform to It is important for us to get out hospital, dedicating their time to mak- discuss the power and impact of stu- of our comfort zone every now and ing inpatients’ stays as happy as pos- dent volunteering. again, to reassess our priorities and FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 11

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] VOLUNTEERING WEEK ‘13

Jez Dil

You feel like you When students actually make a have a ‘penny difference drop moment’ it is really worth it!

My name is Jez. I’m studying Electrical and Electronic Engineering. I am currently taking part in Pim- I’m Dill, and I volunteer for the Schools Plus program. It’s been a great way to provide the extra help lico Connection, an award-winning peer-tutoring scheme, as a classroom assistant. My job is to that so many school pupils need to succeed in their exams and beyond. I’ve been helping out in a answer questions from year 7 students during maths lessons. I chose to do it because it seemed to be GCSE Maths class at Bishop Challoner School in East London. They really value the tuition that they an interesting job and it is really rewarding when you can answer their questions and help them with wouldn’t otherwise receive. They are set to get at least C grades in GCSE Maths, but with our help we their studies. You feel like you actually make a difference in the classroom as the students get more hope to unleash their true potential and achieve A grades! It is extremely rewarding work that only “help and learn more.” I would definitely recommend this. “takes an hour or two each week. When the students have a ‘penny drop moment’ it is really worth it! Michael ”Jacqueryn I love it so much I learn something that I’m even new from every helping to organ- volunteering op- ise Student Vol- portunity unteering Week

I’m Michael and I volunteer at e.quinox, which is an Imperial based student led organisation aiming to I am Jacqueryn, a 1st year Chem Eng. I’m in charge of free instrument taster sessions in collaboration with find the blueprint solution to rural electrification in development countries. I am in the technical and Imperial Chamber Music Society and also some activities for Student Volunteering Week on Valentine’s Day. marketing team and it’s so much fun! Not only I get to know other people outside my course, learn some I’ve also joined several volunteering projects locally and overseas. I volunteer because there is no reason for me new skills and also help others who are less fortunate than us! I love it so much that I’m even helping to not doing so! I learn something new from every volunteering opportunity and also come to appreciate what “organise Student Volunteering” Week, hoping more people will spend their time volunteering!! “I have in life. I would recommend” volunteering for the experiences and sense of achievement that you gain. 12 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] European society launches

IC European Society Our society is connected to a broad network of London based organizations that debate about the EU. Th is connec- People always discuss the European Un- tion will help us to get connected to ion as though it were some mysterious high profi le speakers. and distant institution that has either too To stay updated, keep an eye on the much, or too little power depending on Politics section where we will be writ- the point of view. Th e current fi nancial ing articles commenting on the biggest crisis has stepped up the discussions EU news. One of our fi rst articles will be about the EU and here in the UK, the about the burning issue of the UK-EU EU has become a hot topic in the last relationship. As it was made clear by the few months. However it seems that it is Prime Minister in his recent speech, the more and more diffi cult to follow all the government will hold a referendum if changes currently aff ecting European the conservatives are re-elected. Th e re- policies. sult of this referendum will have crucial Th e Imperial College European Soci- consequences on the future career and ety was created to provide a platform for lives of all current Imperial Students. Imperial students interested in joining We want to provide you with the infor- the debate about the EU and to provide mation necessary to cast an educated information to those that are curious vote if this referendum is to happen. about how this very large institution Th ere is of course more to come and works. we welcome all of you to share your We will organise debates to which thoughts with us. In our Facebook page every single student will be welcome to we post news, hold discussions and participate. We are very excited about communicate with our members, so hearing the opinions of as many people join us! We are looking forwards to hear as possible and for this reason all our your opinions and arguments. events and membership will be free Our members will have the amazing If you have any questions feel free to opportunity to attend our workshops contact any of our committee members: and talks where we will have EU offi - Chair: Leonardo Paoli cials, MEPs and high profi le EU experts EU liaison offi cer: Clara Hedegaard as speakers. We are open to all the stu- Events Coordinators: Amanda Diez Fer- dents of Imperial College, regardless of nandez, Jorge Mariscal Harana Events their level of knowledge on EU issues Offi cer: Ana Gonzalez as we are here to inform and increase Funding Offi cer: Matteo Malacarne awareness starting from the very basics Press Offi cer: Yiango Mavrocostanti of the European Union. Public Relations: Michael Dinalexis Flight of the Phoenix! Ben Fernando reports on an easy theft of ICSM’s mascot

ow hard is it to steal a er surfaced, where a masked fi gure mascot? Apparently named Ragbinhead outlined the not hard if it’s the RCSU/RAG collaboration’s demands. HICSM one! At least, so Th is distressing video showed ‘Mr suggest reports of the Phoenix’ bound and gagged in a dark theft of the Phoenix from inside the room, and required donations to ICU depths of Charing Cross Hospital ear- RAG as well as the prostration of the lier this week. ICSM Committee at the feet of the Our correspondent can confi rm RAG Committee and the pieing of the rumours that a crack team of six fi rst ICSM RAG chair. Our correspondent year physicists (the Physsix) success- can also reveal that the Medics’ faculty fully struck the heart of the Med- will be required to send out an email ics’ Union with a stealthy theft of the explaining the superiority of ICU Phoenix from inside the ICSM offi ce RAG Week over ICSM RAG week. itself last Monday. Initial reports sug- Should the demands be met, it is gest that they met with minimal re- thought that the four components of sistance, easily smuggling the entire Mr Phoenix will be retrieved from costume (minus the feet, already pos- their locations around campus and sessed by RCSU) back to campus. returned. Should they not be; the four A mysterious YouTube video lat- components may well become six… FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 13

[email protected] CLUBS & SOCIETIES Picocon 30 at Imperial The festival turns 30, and this year it’s two whole days!

he Science Fiction, Fan- Th e highlight of the day looks set tasy and Gothic Horror to be the four guests of honour, who Society is preparing for will be giving individual talks as well Tits annual convention – as participating in a group panel. Picocon. Th e convention Peter Hamilton is a bestselling au- has gone from strength to strength thor whose works, often described since it started, with this being its as Space Opera, include elements of thirtieth anniversary. To celebrate, hard SF, fantasy, and classic horror Picocon 30 is going to be the fi rst ever writing to weave the complex in- two day event in the history of the so- tertwining stories of his characters. Reportedly where ciety – taking place over the weekend His books have been described by Heston Blumenthal of February 16-17. Th e Guardian as combining ‘mind- stole the liquid nitro- Given that we are all still here de- expanding ideas, deft plotting and gen trick from spite last year’s apocalyptic predic- convincing depiction of political in- tions it seems fi tting that the theme trigue” and he has been nominated for this year’s convention is “Resur- for the Clarke, Campbell and BSFA rection”. Upon arrival guests will be awards. sorted into three teams, each to do Kate Griffi n is a pen name used by with life and death – zombies, reapers the twice Carnegie-nominated fan- and phoenixes. A scavenger hunt for tasy author Catherine Webb for her items such as “a non-Euclidean trian- adult fi ction. A lifelong Londoner she gle” and “happiness of greater than is best known for her urban fantasy or equal to 0.1M concentration” will Matthew Swift series of novels which allow people to earn points for their reimagine the city as a centre of hid- team. den magical power. SFX magazine Other planned activities include has called it “one of the best fantasy won both the Clarke and Campbell panels on the Saturday – “Overcom- a quiz, silly games, tabletop role- sagas in years”. awards, and his latest work is the A ing Death Th rough Science” and “Life playing games and the ‘Destruction Richard Morgan fi rst made his Land Fit for Hope fantasy novel series. after Death in SF”. On Sunday after- of Dodgy Merchandise’. Th e latter is name with the Takeshi Kovacs series Steph Swainston is the author of noon they will be running a series of a long held tradition Picocon and ofof cyberpunk novels — the fi rst of the highly acclaimed Castle fantasy drop in Writers Workshop sessions. ten involves liquid nitrogen and large which, Altered Carbon, was recently series, described as “unique and chal- All are welcome to attend with sledgehammers. Guests are encour- voted the fi fth best SF novel of the lenging” by Clarkesworld magazine. weekend entry £15 for students, £10 aged to bring their own contributions 21st century (so far) by readers of Lo- Heavily infl uenced by William Bur- for society members and £20 for oth- to destroy. In addition, there will be cus magazine — but has also shown roughs and M. John Harrison her ers. Doors open at 10am on both days stalls selling books and offi cial Pi- himself skilled in working with other work also draws on her experience of for what promises to be an exciting cocon T-shirt as well as all day LAN formats. He is credited as the writer academic life. event, and not just for fans of fantasy gaming featuring Unreal Tournament for the videogames Crysis 2 and the Th e Write Fantastic collective; in- and science fi ction. 2003 and DEFCON, a game produced 2012 remake of Syndicate. He has also cluding Juliet McKenna, Kari Sper- by Introversion – a company set up by worked for Marvel comics, writing ring, Ian Whates and others; will More information can be found at former Imperial students. two Black Widow mini-series. He has also be in attendance, providing two www.icsf.org/picocon. REPORT LIVE ON VARSITY 2013 Email: [email protected]

facebook.com/FelixImperial @feliximperial 14 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Science Editors: Philip Kent, SCIENCE Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] Happy catecholamine day Looking forward to your hot date? Philippa Skett explains why http://amaliehoward.com ove is a many-splendored if it is requited can solidify a mating So with this little guide to the sci- thing, according to ex- pair for optimal off spring survival and ence behind love now in your hands, perts. As someone who make sure no-one else steals those please refrain from using it as some L considers themselves a golden gametes. sort of aid to pick up girls after a few scientist and, depending Finally, attachment is associated too many pints. No girl wants to hear on how many glasses of wine I have with long term companionship. how you can trigger oestrogen release had, someone who has been in love, Linked to oxytocin and vasopressin in her in the shortest time ever. Th e this week of all weeks I couldn’t help release in the hypothalamus of the same goes to lovestruck girls; please but wonder, what exactly is love? Does brain, these act to maintain monoga- don’t attempt to tell that guy whose it benefi t us as a species? Is it an evo- mous attachments between organ- back of head you have been staring at lutionary hangover regarding altru- isms and encourages mutual parental in lectures for most of last term that ism and mating preference, skewered behaviour. Th is stage does bode well he gets your catecholamine level soar- by social etiquette? Or is it selfi shness, if it follows the lust of actually making. projected on someone as a need to be ing a baby, then the attraction needed Declaring love seems to work well with them, but in reality an obsession to keep the parents together through by doing so through poetry, literature, to obtain their gametes for you, and the pregnancy, but it doesn’t neces- interpretive dance, or even via tequila only you, and not share these amaz- sarily have to be so. It has been sug- shots. So depending on your audience, ing genes with anyone else? Th ese cer- If your heart looks like this, Felix gested that this is the case for suc- consider using these methods instead tainly cross my mind whenever I am Science advises seeing a doctor cessful arranged marriages, or even in this Valentine’s Day to snag yourself eyeing up someone in Metric, but for long lasting friendship. Even without a date, but feel free to keep in mind others it may not be as crystal clear. the hormonal surges associated with what might be going on under the skin And when I mean love, what exactly lust and attraction, such couples can too. However, if I do fi nd a card in my do I mean? Th e love I am referring to sustain a happy family environment locker declaring how you want to is the sort that caused Ryan Gosling mones that work for the reproductive pounds) like dopamine, which can regardless of not being hopeless fools grow old with me and stimulate vaso- to grow a beard and build that house. side of things in the body, and are reg- act as neuromodulators – that is, or copulating like horny teenagers at pressin release within me, don’t think Th e sort that made Joseph Gordon- ulated within the hypothalamus. It is they induce prolonged, neurologi- some point. I will be put off too much either. Levitt stroll into the park and sing and purely a chemical surge to want to get cally derived emotive incentives to dance with what didn’t seem like a co- hot and heavy very suddenly, and can want someone, and that person only. incidental arrangement of people for subside as quickly as it came (one or- It was pointed out by the big man If only chemicals looked like this, a Saturday morning. Th e sort of love gasm joke in the bag). Th is neurologi- himself, Darwin, that attraction facili- would make lab a lot more fun that when Dumbledore asked, “After cal wiring is completely independent tates mating preference as opposed all this time?” made Snape reply, “Al- of attraction, which can explain just to just mating alone (a masturbation ways.” I don’t mean the love between a how easy it can be at times to kick joke? You decide). Heightened levels mother and her daughter, a man and that rugby guy out of your bed after a of these hormones are linked to the his dog, or a biologist and their agar drunken night out. “reward centres” of the brain, making plates. Th ese are still legitimate forces Attraction, however, is associated you think that the obsession you are of adoration and come under the large with catecholamines (organic com- nurturing is a great thing, as monoga- umbrella of the term love too, but mous mating seems apt for bringing in this case, it is romantic love that up the off spring of Homo sapiens, seems to need the constant dissection among others. to understand it or justify behaviour Ever found Attraction is the part where you done in the name of love. consider the partner to be able to suit Th is love is explained not so deli- both yourself and your possible off - cately by Helen Fisher, an anthro- yourself spring in emotive traits and physical pologist, but a scientist nonetheless. traits needed for resource acquisi- She sorts the progression of love into fi nishing tion and prolonged companionship. three discrete but not necessarily in- Intense attraction is considered to dependent stages; lust, attraction, and be this “love thing” people get up- attachment. Th ese three are not listed revision set about, and Fisher ruthlessly lists in chronological order in terms of a what psychological properties are romantic relationship’s development associated with this stage of hormo- http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.co.uk as they are very much interchange- half an hour nal peaks – intrusive thinking about able. Each of these three stages comes “ this person, a longing for emotional with diff erent boosts of hormones early to buy reciprocity, a feeling of uncontrollable throughout the brain, to accommo- passion, the eagerness to reorder daily Love Science? date the diff erent life strategies that priorities to be available to this loved (We know you engineers do too) are optimal for diff erent stages in that special person and the willingness to sacrifi ce mammalian reproduction. Love is lit- for them...the list goes on and on. Why not write for us? Get in touch! erally all in your head, although it can Although such a list reads like Shel- [email protected] cause the usual racing of the heart, someone a don Cooper’s diary entries as opposed sweating of the palms or high quanti- to that Valentine’s card you prob- Follow us on Facebook, where we’ll post up any ties of alcohol ingestion too (or pos- jacket potato ably won’t be getting, no doubt it will sibly chlamydia). resonate with some of the more love- interesting stuff we stumble upon (science-related, obvi- For example, lust accommodates struck students out there. Ever found ously). the sex drive and the wish to mate in the library yourself fi nishing revision half an and reproduce recklessly and repeat- hour early to buy that special some- edly, regardless of where said mate lies one a jacket potato in the Library Facebook on the Imperial scale. It is associated café? Café? You might be in love mate. Th is facebook.com/Felixscience with oestrogens and androgens – hor- ” is the selfi sh element of love – and FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 15

Science Editors: Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett SCIENCE [email protected] Stem cells aid recovery from stroke Sarah Byrne investigates a new, fat-derived stem cell therapy

he eff ects of a stroke can fat. In fact this is a very rich source nifi cantly improved function after 24 be devastating, with the of stem cells, yielding up to 500-1000 hours, with an improved recovery also initial loss of blood supply times more than can be derived from observed after the full 14 days, com- Tto part of the brain set- bone marrow. It is also easier and less pared to the control group. Changes ting in motion a series of invasive to collect cells from adipose in levels of ‘brain repair markers’ were biochemical events called the ‘ischae- tissue compared to extracting bone also observed, indicating that the stem mic cascade’. Th is causes cumulative marrow from a donor. cells were releasing growth factors damage to brain cells and blood ves- Researchers at Neuroscience La Paz and other substances in response to sels during the fi rst few hours after the University Hospital in Madrid recent- the stroke-induced damage, helping stroke, often resulting in severe and ly studied and compared the eff ects the damaged brain cells to repair and irreversible brain injury. of both bone marrow and adipose- replace themselves. However research has shown that derived stem cells for the fi rst time, Th e eff ectiveness of stem cells in aid- prompt treatment with stem cells may with results published last week in the ing recovery had been shown before, be able to interrupt this cascade, lim- journal Stem Cell Research & Th erapy. and this study added to the weight iting the damage caused to the brain Th e study looked at the eff ects of the of evidence for them. However, most and improving the prospects of the stem cells when injected into rats, in importantly, it showed that there was patient making a good recovery. which the eff ects of a stroke had been no signifi cant diff erence in the eff ec- Most of us think of stem cells as induced by creating a blockage in tiveness of adipose-derived stem cells originating from the bone marrow, their cerebral artery. Th e therapy was compared to those taken from bone tration was also a positive note, as this this is a positive result for the pros- and this has traditionally been used as given 30 minutes after the ‘stroke’; and marrow. Th is points to adipose tissue is easier and less invasive than inject- pects of new treatments for stroke, the main source of adult stem cells for physical abilities, brain function and as a potential source of plentiful, easy- ing directly into the artery or brain. and advances our understanding of research and therapeutic purposes. cell death were measured over 14 days to-obtain stem cells that could eventu- Further studies will be needed, the just how stem cells have their remark- But there is another source of these subsequently. ally be used for treatment of stroke in researchers note, to establish safe and able healing eff ects on our bodies. so-called mesenchymal stem cells: In both cases, the rats receiving human patients. Th e success of the in- eff ective dosages in humans and to adipose tissue, better known as body the stem cell infusions showed sig- travenous injection route of adminis- test for potential side eff ects. However DOI: 10.1186/scrt159

Protein-building nanomachines Tiny protons? dcjsr Sarah Byrne Science Writer Philip Kent Science Editor Picture: Arpad Horvath Deoxyribonucleic acid: THE BEST ACIDRibosomes: nature’s own protein-building machine Inside every cell, tiny biological ma- Th e radius of a proton has generally chines are hard at work, constructing been considered to be 0.87 femtom- the proteins that will perform vital eters (fm), an incredibly tiny amount. roles as enzymes, hormones, and a However, a paper published in Science wide variety of other structural and earlier this year suggests this minis- biochemical functions. Th ese mo- cule distance may be smaller than pre- lecular machines, called ribosomes, viously thought. translate our genetic code into a A team from ETH Zürich took a protein sequence, and assemble the muonic hydrogen, a hydrogen atom amino-acid building blocks into the where the electron has been replaced peptide chain that folds into a func- with a muon. Muons are similar to leading to suspicion that a systematic tional protein. electrons, but heavier, meaning it error in the experiment provides erro- Researchers led by Dave Leigh at spends a longer period of time within neously small results. Manchester University have recently cannot yet do everything a real one have much simpler and more effi cient the proton’s charge distribution. Th is Investigation using muonic deute- developed an artifi cial nanoscale ma- can. It cannot, for example, read the ways of doing that in the lab, using makes it easier to probe the size of the rium and muonic helium would allow chine that can perform a similar func- genetic code and determine which standard biochemical techniques. proton. researchers to decide whether there is tion. Th is consists of a ring-shaped order the amino acids should be as- Curiously though, Prof. Leigh seems Investigation into the size yielded an experimental method to blame or molecule called a rotaxane, which sembled in – these need to be pre- to hope that beyond being a fascinat- an inter-muon radius far less than not. moves along an axle on which amino loaded onto the molecular axle. It is ing proof-of-concept, the synthetic anything reported previously, except a Th ere is also the potentital for er- acids have been loaded. A ‘reactive also extremely slow compared to the ribosome will someday prove a more similar paper published in 2000. ror in the mathematical calculations arm’ then sequentially picks off each real ribosome, taking hours rather eff ective means of synthesising pep- Both papers used muonic hydrogen needed to convert the spectroscopic amino acid and adds it to a chain at- than milliseconds to attach each new tides than the current ‘laborious’ spectroscopy, a process where the mu- data to a numerical value, the calcu- tached to the rotaxane itself, forming amino acid. process of chemical synthesis. Th is is onic hydrogen atom is probed with a lations and errors in which are in the a new peptide molecule. Rotaxane na- Th ere also may be some questions perhaps not as unlikely as it sounds: laser to obtain data necessary to ob- process of being checked. nomachines have been developed be- to be asked about the usefulness of the researchers have developed synthetic tain a very accurate measurement as However, if all sources of error are fore, but never one that can perform approach in general: whether trying enzymes that are simpler and more to the size of the nucleus. Th e newer ruled out, it must be the case that an sequential actions like this. In results to mimic the way nature does things effi cient than the natural versions. It paper, however, investigates using two entire new branch of physics is found, published in Science (http://www.sci- is necessarily the best way. Nature is is often entirely possible to improve energy levels instead of just the one with some arguing it could lead to a encemag.org/content/339/6116/189) by defi nition messy and at times over- on nature, and with the new results used previously, reducing a potential rethink of quantum electrodynamics. this month, a peptide was successfully ly complex: biological systems tend emerging from the Leigh lab and the source of error. A conclusion as to whether the small- synthesised in milligram quantities – to come with a lot of baggage from synthetic biology fi eld in general, Scientists are confused by the two er protons are real or the product of a a signifi cant amount and useful for their evolutionary history, and the there are sure to be interesting devel- fi ndings, both of which provide the mathematical error will only be a mat- analysis – with an incredible 1018 of randomness inherent in their devel- opments to come. same value to a very small error. Mu- ter of time. the nanobots working in parallel. opment. If, for example, you want to onic measurements do not correlate However, the synthetic ‘ribosome’ synthesise peptide chains, we already DOI: 10.1126/science.1229753 with that of non-muonic hydrogen, DOI: 10.1126/science.1233202 16 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Politics Editors: Padraic Calpin POLITICS Marie-Laure Hicks [email protected] The legacy of the Arab Spring As France pursues its intervention in Mali, Alexander Soloviev looks into Middle Eastern affairs. AP t has been just over two largest and strongest in the region years since a street vendor and the unresolved issue of its nuclear in Tunisia set himself on fi re. ambition hangs in the air. Th e Gulf IHis act of protest against States, on the other hand, have been the country’s oppressive and spending billions on modernising “It’s tough being short. corrupt regime was not extinguished: their military force. Open confl ict Poor Sarko.” Hollande, the protest resonated with citizens between these regional players would Mali, 3rd February 2013 across the Arab world, engulfi ng the be devastating. But the equal military region in political demonstrations, strength of both powers’ blocs could revolutions and even civil war. go a long way to stabilizing the region. A lot can change in two years. Syria will certainly be the bellwether Syria is embroiled in a civil war, for this struggle. which is already being viewed In the other corner of the Arab by some as a proxy war between world, another confl ict is blazing. regional and global powers. Al-Assad, Mali’s breakaway region of Azawad Syria’s embattled ruler, is supported could potentially become a safe haven diplomatically by Russia, as well as for terrorists. Needless to say, this by Iranian arms. Th e rebels enjoy would further destabilise a precarious recognition from many global powers, region, where random acts of violence the key factor in the equation. When about war. Dictators weren’t the preventing the formation of a military such as the US, Britain and France, as are already too common. Last week, a Muammar Gaddafi was toppled in only ones that suddenly went up in dictatorship that seemed inevitable. well as alleged military aid from the gas plant was attacked by Al Qaeda- the early days of the Arab Spring, the smoke. Stagnant governments and Egypt is not through the woods yet, Gulf States. affi liated Islamists in northern Algeria, country stabilised enough to hold bureaucracies soon felt the heat. Th e however: alongside economic woes, In the meantime the death toll runs leading to the deaths of 37 foreigners. democratic elections. While these people demanded more rights, more a bill that eff ectively gives Morsi at about 60,000. Th e international community has proved largely peaceful and legitimate, transparency and more democratic unchecked power has been the subject But Syria’s importance does not lie been quick to respond to the crisis, the nation still has yet to deal with the institutions. And while political of current unrest. It seems that Egypt in the compounding humanitarian sending troops, military hardware armed militias that control swathes of changes have been taking place from still has a diffi cult path to political catastrophe. Rather, the war-torn and intelligence to Mali from all over land. Also of concern are the largely Morocco to Oman, Egypt has proven freedom and stability. nation can be viewed as part of a the world. Th e operation so far has uncontrolled borders of Libya. When to be of particular interest. Th e Arab Spring has been a mixed greater regional struggle, between the been a success, with a joint French Islamists declared sharia law in Th e most populous nation of blessing. War and freedom blossomed rising star of Iran and the Gulf States. and African force pushing deep into Azawad, militants and arms fl owed the Arab world, Egypt has been in the wake of dictators. Political leaps Iraq similarly proved to be a staging Azawad, taking over the last rebel almost unimpeded from Libya. As plagued with problems following the forward have been just as common ground between the two power blocs. stronghold in Kidal. such, secured borders will prove to be overthrow of Hosni Mubarak. Morsi, as a rising death toll. But no matter Th is comes at an unsettling time: But recapturing lost territory will an asset to stabilising the region. the current President, managed to the consequences one thing remains the Iranian military is one of the not solve Mali’s problem. Libya is Th e Arab Spring hasn’t all been wrestle control from the armed forces, clear: the Arab world has woken up. Egypt: Two years on, new protests AP/Khalil Hamra Padraic Calpin Politics Editor accusing Morsi’s government of being in Port Said was such an order of “exactly the same as the Mubarak Happy Birthday from Cairo magnitude above any previous gang”, and of trying to establish a football violence that it led many January 25th 2013 was the second an- ‘theocratic dictatorship’. to accuse the SCAF of attacking the niversary of the Egyptian protests that In fact, Tahrir Square has hardly club for its role in the 2011 uprising, led to the fall of the autocratic regime stood empty these 24 months. Protests and when residents of Port Said were of Hosni Mubarak. Tahrir Square was continued through the fi rst half of last sentenced for their role in the disaster once again fi lled with protesters, their year against the interim “Supreme it sparked mass civil unrest. anger now directed at the current Council of the Armed Forces’ Th is string of events, culminating in elected President Mohamed Morsi, established in the wake of Mubarak’s the deaths of 40 Port Said citizens at and the police who are accused of ex- fall, who were seen as dominated by police hands, are why Egypt is once cessive violence in a series of clashes fi gures of the old regime and accused again gripped by protest. Reports of in recent months. Two years on, Egypt of delaying over democratic elections. the country’s new constitution, many power it passes to Egypt’s upper police violence are multitudinous, still seems to be on a precipice. When the polls fi nally opened, it was parties walked out of the negotiation parliamentary house, the Shura, and the parallels with Mubarak’s As police released tear gas across hoped that the democratic election process, claiming that the current which is predominantly controlled by own police crackdown in the face central Cairo, and concentrations in of Mohamed Morsi of the Muslim document too heavily favoured the the Muslim Brotherhood. of public revolt are not lost on the Tahrir Square approached “dangerous Brotherhood would see the country Muslim Brotherhood. Morsi followed Many who voted yes in that people of Egypt. Th e government has levels”, thousands of protesters continue along the path to reform. by giving himself the power to push referendum did so hoping that it pledged reform, and apologised for remained on the streets in open But the Egyptian people remain the draft constitution to a vote and, would bring much needed stability. the strikingly public police assault defi ance of a curfew imposed by Morsi in the streets, concerned that Morsi in the face of public protest, awarded However, the fallout of another of Hammad Saber, which sets it across three provinces following a is balking at the prospect of reform, arrest power to the military to provide tragedy, just over a year ago, brought distinctly apart from the ways of the series of fatal clashes with protesters or even trying to secure power for security for a referendum. Th e the people and the police back into old regime. But Egypt remains in and police. Th e words of the people on the Islamist Muslim Brotherhood. constitution passed, but continues to confrontation. Th e death of some 70 limbo, struggling on with its troubled the streets echoed the cries of 2011, Tensions fl ared when, while drafting be criticised for the level of judicial Al-Ahly club supporters at a match transition from years of autocracy. unionpage

Rep Week 2013

Rep Week 2013 is running from 11 – 15 February and provides a platform to celebrate the great changes that have taken place with the help of your academic representative system.

Your Academic Reps will be wearing bright red t-shirts all this week so keep an eye out for Doug Hunt them. Feel free to give them any DEPUTY PRESIDENT (EDUCATION) tips on how your time at Imperial [email protected] can improved. You can do this by Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: emailing, Facebook messaging or imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs talking to them in person.

The 448 tips collected from Rep Week 2012 were typed up and Alternatively, we will be in the If you don’t know who your rep is sent to your academic reps, who Sherﬁeld foyer on Tuesday and then please use Imperial College were encouraged to bring them Thursday. We will be rewarding the Union’s “Your Representatives A to up at their next Staff-Student three best suggestions with £20 Z” directory on our website. Committee. If you want to talk to Union vouchers and you can even your reps then come to the Junior tweet your suggestions by giving Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/ Common Room between 12:00 your course and using #loveyourrep repweek for all the info about next #loveyourrep -14:00 on Monday and Friday. on Twitter. week.

Student Academic Choice Awards

There are eight awards in total that Awards will cover all faculties, departments and campuses. There will also be speciﬁc prizes available for those Best Feedback who supervise doctoral students, teach master’s students, and work Best Graduate Teaching in professional roles within College. Assistant The awards aren’t designed to be a popularity contest but a recognition Best Innovation of innovation, skill, engagement and energy that students have Best Supervision received from academics.

We are looking for nominations Best Support Staff imperialcollegeunion.org/academicchoice from every department, centre, study type and campus, and Best Teaching for Taught This year, we are running our as a skill of equal worth and value that’s where you come in! Postgraduates ﬁrst ever awards for academics, as research. We also want to build Nominations are open now on the nominated and chosen entirely by a community in which students, Imperial College Union website Best Teaching for students. The awards are designed academics and staff all feel at imperialcollegeunion.org/ Undergraduates to celebrate and reward good ownership of the development and academicchoice. More information teaching and emphasise teaching delivery of their course. will also be added soon. Best Tutoring

imperialcollegeunion.org 18 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Comment Editors: George Barnett, COMMENT Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] The Life of a Total WBanker The City life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, warns Adam Billing

ou’ve fi nished your de- sucking up) is key in this industry and gree. You worked hard you need to do your part, otherwise and you got the grades. that next promotion won’t be coming YTh e world is your meta- your way. Unfortunately, with all this phorical oyster. With spending it’s going to be diffi cult for your hard earned piece of paper you you to amass that fortune you were can do whatever your heart desires. talking about.” So why do nearly a third of us end up Why is Lance so keen for cash? I’m working in the fi nancial services? not entirely sure he knows. But let’s With banks as public enemy num- get one thing straight: money is not a ber one, the City is facing a crisis. reason in itself. No one actually wants Adam Billing New regulation promises to limit a pile of cash. What Lance is after are risky casino banking and with it the things that money can bring: fi - the large profi ts and bonuses they nancial freedom, lifestyle, a big house brought are likely to disappear. So is (status) and a fast car (penis exten- fi nance a dream job to aspire to or do sion). So is a City career the best way Imperial students just lack imagina- to achieve these things? tion? Let’s meet one of them. I have a confession to make: I was “Hello Lance. I hear you want to be once a Lance. I went off to the City a banker.” “Yes, it’s the best job and to seek my fortune, but instead this is I want to be the best,” replies Lance. what I found. “Why do you think it’s the best?” Financial freedom: because of the “Well it pays the most.” “But you’ll pressures to “live the lifestyle” my be very time-poor.” “Th at’s okay. I’ll colleagues were the most indebted in- only do it for fi ve years, become rich, dividuals I have ever met. Th ere were then leave.” people on £300,000 salaries that were Th is is a conversation we’ve all heard “leveraged” ten times their earnings – a hundred times before. It sounds rea- i.e. they owed the bank three million sonable, but does Lance’s viewpoint quid! Losing your job with that much actually stand up to scrutiny? Let’s debt means immediate and defi nite look at a real-life example. A 2008 fi nancial ruin. In fact, most were Maths graduate got a job working in screwed if they didn’t get the right Mergers & Acquisitions for Goldman bonus. Th is is as far from fi nancial Sachs – this is basically Lance’s dream freedom as I can imagine. No matter how hard you try, you job. His starting salary was £35,000 Far from being an isolated incident, will never be as cool as this man and he would usually clock around 85 massive leveraging is rife. It’s fuelled hours a week. Th is works out to £7.90 by the belief that you’re top dog; you’ll per hour, which is actually below the be richer next year so why worry London Living Wage. So Lance would about today. Th is short sighted think- spend a lot more money doing these in life and it’s not for me to tell you be fi nancially better off if he were to ing can leave you trapped in a job things. how to live yours. However, the Im- spend those hours cleaning the of- you have tired of and leads to bodies If they went on holiday it had to perial view of the City is far from the fi ce rather than playing with spread- littering the pavements of St. Paul’s be somewhere with ‘service.’ I mean reality I encountered. Hopefully a few sheets. It’s true that Lance’s salary when fi nancial crises break. what’s the point in money if you can’t more people sharing their experienc- progression is better than your aver- Many enter the City with the belief make plebs do things for you? Th e car es might counter the multi-million age cleaner’s, so one day he’ll outdo that they’ll do it diff erently. Unfor- has to be new and replaced frequent- pound propaganda machine that we Dorris. But it’s ludicrous to think you tunately, Th e Square Mile is a tribal ly. My boss even paid £800 to have are fed in College. can make a life-changing amount of place. If you’re not with them, you’re his Range Rover resprayed because But for those still determined to fol- money in your fi rst fi ve years. against them. If you don’t take part a cat walked across the bonnet. Th e low in Lance’s footsteps, a fi nal word. “Th at’s okay,” pipes up Lance, “I’ll in the lifestyle, part of which is living main goal of these excessive expen- We don’t live in the 80s anymore. Th e do it for ten years then.” “Well Lance, above your means, then you’re implic- ditures seems to be so you can talk mantra of “greed is good” has failed fi rstly, I’m glad that your life plan is itly critical of those who do – which about them loudly in the offi ce. So I and there is a deep mistrust of the so well thought-out that a ten second is everyone. People will mistrust you don’t think it was appreciated when I complex fi nancial instruments that This short- calculation can throw it off course. and you won’t form the relationships suggested that a £5.99 bottle of T-Cut Imperial students were employed to But if you want to make serious mon- you need to be successful. would have done the same job. deal with. In the coming years the sighted ey you’re going to need to climb the Lifestyle: You’re never going to be- Status: It might impress your mum City will face heavy regulation, and corporate ladder.” “So how do I do come Roman Abramovich by being a but is it really a high status job? Sta- with it the infl ated profi ts and bonus- that? Be the best at my job?” “Silly banker. It’s a well-paid job but it’s still tus is in the eye of the beholder. So if es they produced will vanish. Sure it thinking can Lance, these jobs could be done by a just a job and selling your labour is your aim in life is to impress Mayfair won’t happen overnight, but why get four year old. You’ll never stand out not a scalable business model. How- airheads then congratulations, you’ve on a sinking ship? that way. If you want to progress you ever, there’s no denying that bankers found your calling. But they don’t un- Th ere are more career options than leave you need to brand yourself a winner, and are generally wealthy. So what do they derstand what it is you actually do. fi nance, a PhD or teaching: change that’s an expensive business. Th ere’s do with all that money? What expe- Th e truth is, depending on your job the world with an NGO; join the cy- trapped in a no living like a student anymore. To riences do they have, that we mere title, you’re somewhere between an ber war by breaking codes at GCHQ; act the part you need the expensive mortals can only dream of? Well as Excel monkey and a PowerPoint mon- or be the next David Attenborough. suit, Omega watch and to be blowing far as I could tell, their experiences key; you’re doing a job that doesn’t Science and technology are the fu- job you have your money on nights out in Mayfair. weren’t that dissimilar to my own: challenge you and whose only social ture of our economy so why not join If the team jets off to Monaco for the they lived in a house, drove a car, oc- worth is to make rich people richer. a start-up, or better yet, create your weekend, then that’s what you do too casionally went to restaurants and So whom are you looking to impress? own. Your 20s are when you are most tired of. whether or not you can actually af- would go on holiday once or twice a And is it worth it? free to take risks, don’t waste them on “” ford it. Managing relationships (read: year. Th e diff erence was they would Everyone has diff erent aspirations a grad scheme making tea for Lance. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 19

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected] *Friends* With Benefits? Choose your own adventure: sexy edition! asual sex, no fuss no you think they are attractive enough to muss: the holy grail for sleep with, and c) you will be sleeping He’s great in bed most guys. In this mod- with them on a regular basis: one of you Cern society, the taboo will develop feelings. Th e trick in select- has largely been lifted on ing the perfect fuck buddy is choosing ssatisfying one’s own sexual needs. You someone you fi nd almost repulsive on oonly need to browse truelad.com for an emotional or intellectual level, but fi ve mins to realise that most guys are whom you think is really quite fi t (or pprobably whacking one out in the fi ve failing that, at least fi t enough to stick mminute break between lectures. As for your cock in/have their cock stuck into tthe ladies, we’ve gone one step further; you). An added bonus is to select some- certain battery operated devices named one who you can’t be with seriously due Anonymous after innocent woodland creatures that to externalities, e.g. a friend’s ex, an ex- are endowed with not one, but three change student, a convicted criminal… speed settings have been provided to Th e key is to remember this is an ex- satisfy our needs. And although these change of goods (probably fl uids, hope- disaster, although in the long run it ac- relationships are always infi nitely more devices are life-savers, there is only so fully orgasms); it is not an exchange of tually turned out pretty well: we ended satisfying with feelings involved. A vi- much love you can give yourself before personal burdens, it is not about your up dating for around two years (for the brator will never and can never replace the asymmetry between the muscula- feelings, your friends, your coursework. majority of which I was deeply in love a man, not because you miss the weight ture of your right and left arm becomes Talking should be kept at a minimum at with him). My second and current fuck of his body on top of you but because a bit of a giveaway. Solution: the fuck all times, but particular post coitus – a buddy meets all the criteria above: you miss the intimacy of being with an- buddy. A number you can dial when little dirty talk beforehand (i.e. verbal there is no danger that I will develop other person. Likewise, guys may joke you need to, someone who won’t spend foreplay), however, is completely ac- feelings for him, mainly because he is about women only being superior to a the night and a relationship in which it ceptable. Sleepovers are never OK; if a complete and utter twat. So far, the wank because they come with a pair of is considered perfectly acceptable not you’re telling yourself it’s because it’s sex is adequate, he has a nice body and tits and are self-lubricating, but actually to swallow. What could possibly go ‘practical’, you’re in denial: the reality a nice cock but he is a bit of a selfi sh they too also crave emotional closeness wrong? is you want them to stay because you lover (aren’t they all?). I’ve been seeing .For this reason, although the idea of Everything. Th e mistake most people want to spoon and you want to spoon him since November. So far what have I fuck buddies is conceptually attrac- make is to interpret the term ‘buddy’ because you like them. In which case learnt? As much as I like to pitch myself tive, in reality they tend to only have a too literally. Do not, I repeat, do not you are veering off the ‘fuck buddy path’, as a shit-hot, sexually liberated, inde- shelf life of a couple of months. Mine select an actual friend. At best they and onto the slippery slope to relation- pendent woman and as much as I’d like is already beginning to curdle and turn should be a casual acquaintance. Why? shipdom. to believe you could have great sex with- sour. As a result, I’ve deleted his num- Because a) you already like this person I have had two fuck buddy type ar- out succumbing to humdrum commit- ber and invested in some AAA batteries enough for them to be your friend, b) rangements. Th e fi rst was a complete ment, the truth is that prolonged sexual instead – no muss, no fuss. Then I saw her face, now I’m a non-believer! A shameless plug by IC Atheists, Secularists and Humanists

eligion is one of those self-promotion (read: encouraging dis- welcome anyone who would be happy their beliefs. It may come as a surprise awkward words. To cussion), where is the Atheist society? to label themselves as either of these, to some that this fi ts perfectly with some, it represents all Well, right here. 2 weeks ago, Impe- or anywhere in between. If you fi nd humanism. So, to conclude; we exist Rthat is good in life, and rial Atheist, Secularist and Human- yourself questioning God, scripture, as a social group for anyone who feels the celebration of the ist Society (or IASH as we like to be or anything else to do with religion, that they fi t the above labels. However, divine. For oothers, it’s a term which is known) came into existence. After a we’d love to talk to you. We also con- just like the many religious societies almost tabtaboo,o one of those awkward highly successful inaugural talk (held sider ourselves secularists, we believe already established, we will be host- boxes that Facebook asks you to fi ll jointly with the Feminist Society), in the separation of Church and state, ing guest lecturers and taking part in in. Yet, thethere’sr no doubt that many re- we’ve got a lot more things planned, and that no religion should have any debates and discussions throughout liligionsgions hahaveve shaped past and present but fi rst let us clarify a few points. place in the activities of government. this and coming years. If this sounds events, and will no doubt continue to To whom do we cater and why do we We also support the ideals of human- overwhelmingly appealing or even Josh Price do so for the foreseeable future. Or so exist? After all, surely an atheist soci- ism; living on the basis of reason and just mildly interesting, we would very you might think; but just how many ety exists only to poke fun at specifi c science, and treating all others equally much like to see you: we are a friendly people are still religious? religions and circle jerk over how its regardless of religion or belief. bunch (or at least we like to think so). Th e 2011 census results show that members agree with one another? Th at, in a nutshell, is what the ma- Our next big event is at 6pm on 25th the total number of people with ‘No Well, not really, that’s actually quite jority of our members believe. But February, where Robin Ince of Radio Religion’ was 25.1% of the total UK wrong. what do we aim to do? One thing we 4 fame will be giving a lecture “Th e population, or 14.1 million people. So fi rst off , what do we believe? No cannot stress enough is that discus- Th ings I am Th inking Right Now: a fi - In 2001 this fi gure stood at a total of doubt you know of atheists who fl at sion and debate are essential. It’s obvi- nite life in a big universe”. Th is will take 14.8%. While we’ve no doubt that the out don’t believe in the idea God(s), ous that curiosity about the world we place in the Pippard Lecture Th eatre, fi gures for Imperial College itself are or any other supernatural omnipo- live in, interest in how things work, or on Level 5 of the Sherfi eld building; probably rather diff erent, this is more tent entities. But what if that’s not the desire to help people have provid- and is open to all, free of charge. We than just a large increase. So, then, as your style? Some of us aren’t so sure. ed the drive to obtain a place at Impe- encourage you to stop worrying about this is clearly a piece which serves no Perhaps there’s a God, or two, or even rial. We seek to continue debate, and your studies for a short while, and purpose other than that of shameless more? You can’t know for certain. We encourage others do so regardless of come. You might just enjoy yourself. 20 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango FOOD Mavrocostanti [email protected] Hot Chockablocked with warm drinks Kevin Ng explores the different options for hot chocolate

ome January we’ve had this there’s a lot of hot chocolate out there, about. For all their exquisite looking year, huh? College and tests and only so much a student can aff ord. breads and decadent pastries, Gail’s right after Christmas, Brit- Being the selfl ess and altruistic person artisan bakery and Pain au Quotiden Sain’s coldest winter in 100 that I am, I shall aid you lot by shar- serve up rather lackadaisical mugs. months (complete with that ing the results of my labours. So here’s Pain’s seemed very sweet and runny massive bout of dandruff from heav- what you can fi nd around school... but lacking in chocolate fl avour, while en), and the weather boffi ns are saying Gail’s initially encouraging use of February won’t be much better. Not to Chains – Paul, Caffé Nero, packet Valhrona hot chocolate was ru- worry, though: at times like these, you Starbucks ined by an inept use of the steam wand can always count on a lovely, steaming Lowest on the rung are the epony- and an easy hand with the milk. Odd- mug of hot chocolate to make you nice mous coff ee and bread chains, Star- ono’s, one of the places many netizens and toasty (well, other than a warm bucks, Paul and Caff é Nero. Right off recommend for good hot chocolate, cuddle from that special someone). the bat, forget about Starbucks – there proved to be good - but the best still Nope, not cocoa, not that mug of Nes- are far better ways to waste ~ £3 than goes to Ottolenghi’s, the super-posh quick, Swiss Miss, Milo or whatever a cup of overly sweet brown-tinged café with a stellar reputation that is you call it. Th ere’s a time and place water which barely resembles choco- well deserved. Th e steaming mug de- for that stuff , but today, we’re going to late. Caff é Nero and Paul are far bet- livers an intense hit of hot chocolate discuss real hot chocolate – the stuff ter – while Caff é Nero does have a which isn’t too sweet or too thick, that’s thick, rich and unctuous, the ‘normal’ version, both serve a thick, and is extremely satisfying. Th ing is, drink that warms you to your toes. European cup of hot chocolate. How- the location may be a bit of a trek for With that in mind, I decided to seek ever, I found Paul’s to be rich, intense most. ation between cups. Rococo serves a which are intense, strong and delight- out the best hot chocolates around and very chocolate-y, whereas Caff é thick shot of chocolate that’s more ful. Cocomaya’s on the other hand was Imperial. Make no mistake – this is Nero’s just seemed very sweet and had Chocolatiers – Rococo fondue-like in taste and consistency, perfectly adequate, but just a little too no easy task. I had to sieve through a a strong taste of cornstarch. It’s quite a Chocolate, Hotel Chocolat, and Melt’s dark hot chocolate comes thin and too expensive for its size. considerable number of insipid, weak bit to pay for a drink, but for what you Melt, Cocomaya from a proprietary blend of in-store Conclusion? Paul for that quick op- cups masquerading as hot chocolate get, it’s worth it. Last comes the cream of the crop – chocolate with a distinctive taste that tion, or if one is truly craving for some (some with ridiculous prices to boot, places which exude luxury and class can only be described as ‘interest- decent chocolate, head to High Street no less). Sure, one can make do with a Special Chains – Gail’s Arti- and make you feel intimidated from ing’. For the thrill-seekers, maybe; but Kensington’s Hotel Chocolat for a sachet of Cadbury’s stirred into boil- san Bakery, Oddono’s, Pain simply staring through their windows. the rest of us who want our money’s mug. Even better, their Liquid Choco- ing water or a cuppa from JCR, just au Quotiden, Ottolenghis Feel free to stride in with gumption, worth would be better off going to lat is available in stores so that any des- as one can survive with nothing but Next on the list come these places though – prices for something like hot Hotel Chocolat. Despite its upmarket perate student can whip up their own Sainsbury’s basics, but it’s not going to which are still chains, but are far posh- chocolate at these chocolatiers don’t appearance, a mug to go costs a mere mug in the comforts of their hall kitch- impress that cutie from across the hall er by nature. Surprisingly, though, the really diff er that much from other £2.50 (paltry, really, in comparison) en – and you can add as many marsh- – and you gotta live a little, eh? Still, hot chocolate here isn’t much to shout places. Still, there’s a great deal of vari- and comes in three fl avours, all of mallows (or other extras) as you want! Valentine’s heaven cupcakes!

Yiango Mavrocostanti Food Editor For the chocolate mousse: out dry. 350 grams dark chocolate Leave the cupcakes to cool for 1 1 packet silken tofu hour. Once they are cool spread mar- Th ese divine cupcakes are perfect for 2 tablespoons maple syrup malade on top, creating a circle leav- the occasion, whether you are cel- 1/4 cup almond milk ing 1cm from the edges. Place the ebrating or not! cupcakes in the fridge. And guess what? You can make them For decorating: To make the mousse, place the tofu, yourself. Th ey are extremely easy and 5 strawberries milk and maple syrup in a blender. taste just as good as they look. You will 1/4 cup blueberries Blend until it is completely smooth. defi nitely impress... You might need to use a spatula to stir Procedure: and make sure that it is completely Ingredients: Preheat your oven to 180 degrees. smooth. (Makes 12) Place cupcake cases in a cupcake tin. Make a double boiler by putting Recipe taken and slightly modifi ed from the In a bowl, mix all the dry ingredi- water in a large pot and then placing book Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. ents. In a separate bowl mix the milk a small pot on top so that the water with the vinegar and set aside for ten covers 1/2 the height of the small pot. For the cupcakes: minutes so that it curdles. Th en, add Bring to boil, turn the heat off and put 1 cup almond milk the rest of the liquid ingredients to the the chocolate cut in small pieces in the 1 teaspoon vinegar milk and vinegar mixture and mix. Af- small pot. Stir until it has completely 3/4 cup sugar ter that, add the liquid mixture to the melted. Leave the melted chocolate to 1/3 cup oil dry ingredients and mix until the fl our cool for 5 minutes and then add it to 1 teaspoon vanilla is dissolved. Be careful no to over mix the blender. Again, blend until every- 1 cup fl our otherwise the cupcakes will not be thing is completely combined. Put the 1/3 cup cocoa fl uff y. mousse in the fridge for 1 hour. 3/4 teaspoon soda Pour the mixture in the cupcake cas- Using a piping bag decorate the 1/2 teaspoon baking powder es so that they are 2/3 full. Bake for 18 cupcakes with the mousse and place 1/4 teaspoon salt to 20 minutes or until you can insert a a slice of fresh strawberry and some 1/4 cup strawberry marmalade toothpick in the middle and it comes blueberries on top. Enjoy! everynation.co.uk

SUNDAYS ACTIVITY SPACE 1

Free café – 5:30 Yarn wars declared as Knitsock turns 5 2013

guide 11th - 15th February

in aid of... DAY 1: MONDAY 11th feb - Bungee Jump

What better a opportunity to plummet raise much more than this way to kick off from 180ft above Queen’s from the jumpers being IC RAG Week Lawn. sponsored by their friends than a bun- Tom Pearson, Imperial’s and family. gee jump on Divisional Operations Man- Even if you’reyjp not jump- Queen’s Lawn? ager of Communications, ing,g, ccomeome down to QQueen’sueen’s For the fi rst will be the fi rst of the 125 Lawnwn from 10:30a10:30amm onon time in the jumpers on Monday. Mondayonday to cheer on the College’s histo- Th e spaces available for the jumpersmpers andand comecome along atat ry, we’re bring- jump sold out within just a lunchtimenchtime to be eentertainedntertained ing a crane week of the event being an- by some of ImImperial’sperial’s fi nestnest onto Queen’s nounced. talentlent, watch our intreintrepidpid lawn where Jumpers paid a fee of £25 to Kilimanjarolimanjaro climbers exex-- students and secure their jump and this changeange their dignity foforr youryour staff alike included a sizeable donation donationsnations anandd mmunchunch on will have the to charity, but we expect to Krispyrispy KremeKremess.

DAY 2: Tuesday 12th feb -

Th e second day of RAG pleting thetheses ab- aimm is to collect points!poiints! Week is our CCartoonartoon Col-Col- susurdrd chal- as much monemoneyy SoS top up your lect, which ppromisesromises to be lenlengesges and as ppossible,ossible, but Oyster,r getget a cos-coss- a day of fun aandnd riridiculous-diculous- cocollectinglle taskssks aalsolso give tumetume aandnd ccomeomme in ness. ddonationsona youu pointsnts (the teamsteam to MMetricetric You turn up in ffromrom con- moreore outrageousoutrageous fromfrom middaymiddday on groups of abouaboutt ffusedused ppassers-a andd ddiﬃiﬃ cucultlt t thehe TuesdayTuesday 12t12thh 4-8, we give youyou by, all while task,sk, ththee to receivereceivee buckets and a drdressedessed as moreo re your ccolleccollec- list of tasks.s. your fa- points tion kitkit,, anandd then It’s then vovouriteu you headhead out your job to ccartoona r get). forfor a dayy run around charac-ch Th ere willwill be ofo ridicu-icu- London, mak-ak- tter! prizes foror the teams llous fun!n! Just ing a fool outout Your with thee most cash mmake sure of yourself com-om- mainm and alsoo tthehe mmostost yyou’reou’re bacbackk beforee 8pm!

DAY 4: Thursday 14th feb - Masquerade ball for many, The Join us for a if you want even champagne, enjoy Ticket Info highlight of RAG night of glam- more class, then the spectacular Standard: £13 Week will be our our and black you can buy our views over london VIP Package: £17 Valentine’s Ball. tie, which descend- VIP Package, al- and watch our We’ve secured two ing into a bass lowing you ac- raffle being drawn Buy Online at cess to the vip 8th (package includes whole floors filled party into floor, where you one free ticket). union. at one of the the early hours. can relax with And the most most desirable ic.ac.uk/ clubs in london: important bit... we’ve got a The £5,000 rag Penthouse bar tab DAY 5: Friday 15th feb - Big Night In

Take it easy on the ﬁ nal RAG in the Imperial Cin- and hot drinks (provided Tickets: £7.50 night of RAG Week, and ema where we will be show- by ICU Fair Trade Soc). Friday February 15th - see away the remains of the ing Th e Dark Knight Rises. Bring some pillows, a 10:15PM Masquerade Ball hangover. On top of this, we’ve got duvet and even turn Imperial Cinema (2nd Floor Sit back and relax with free Domino’s pizza, food up in your pyjamas! Union Building)

All Week - Secret Valentine's

LetLet RAG and KOP play Cu-C embarrassing incident for a trance 12-2 All RAG Week) pid for yyouou this Valentine’sValentin friend (or lecturer!), during during RAG Week, or speak Week.Week. lectures, in halls or in an of- to a RAG Rep in your halls. In returnreturn forfor a donationdonation to fi ce (if you’re a member of Kenyan OrphanOrphan Project, wwe staff ). Delivery In Lectures: Delivery In Halls:ls: willwill ddelivereliver Lecture deliveries will be Bag of Chocolates £2.50 Card Only £1 a giftgift ofof youryour choicechoice to done by our cupids (dressed Card & Chocolate £2 Card & Chocolate £2£2 anyoneanyone of your chochoos-o the part) on the South Hand-carved Stone heart £3 ing!ing! Kensington campus. Rose £4 Whether you’re courting,ourting, Maybe it’s the fi rst move Engraved Stone Heart £4 impressing or embarrassingrrassing on your crush, a romantic Place your order at the RAG Serenade & Rose £8 someone, we can doo it all! gesture to a loved one or an Stall (Sherfi eld/Library En-

All Week - RAG Raffle

Th is one’s simple... we’ve got a raﬄ e with some amazing prizes. Tickets are £2 each or 3 for £5. Come along to the RAG Stall (Sherﬁ eld/Library Entrance for the whole of RAG Week) to buy! Th e prizes include: An England football shirt signed by Roy Hodgson Two Chelsea home game tickets dinner + wine at the hilton pub lunch with the rector Tickets to 'thriller' a haircut at fresh Nando's Platters and many more.... We’re raising money for a local charity in east London. Richard House Children’s Hospice, based in Newham, is a purpose-built children’s hospice caring for children from across the Capital, Essex, Kent and the Home Counties. Th e core purpose of the hospice is to accompany families caring for children with life-limiting, life-threatening and complex healthcare needs, during their journey through life to death. Th e aim is to create positive experiences along the way that become good memories for the future.

Our national charity is Breast Cancer Campaign, a charity that works closely with Imperial scientists and does great work. Th ey aim to have a pioneering approach to breast cancer research, which identiﬁ es and funds the research projects with the greatest potential to save and improve lives and, ultimately, to ﬁ nd a cure for breast cancer.

Concern Universal, our international charity, is an international development organisation tackling poverty from the grassroots. Th ey create opportunities for people around the world to improve their lives and shape their own futures. By building skills and connecting people at all levels in society, they help communities deliver practical solutions with long term impact. 28 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, ARTS Meredith Thomas [email protected] Light entertainment

Why work? Instead, doodle all lecture long and then send us your draw- ings to [email protected]. This doodle was done by Arts Editor, Meredith Thomas because we are short of submissions from actual readers.

The Judas Kiss @ The Duke of York’s Theatre – Charting the life of Oscar Wilde from the trial for ‘gross indecency’ to his post-incarceration meeting with his lover, Lord Alfred Douglas, this play has been garnering success in this new production featuring what is said to be a great performance by Rupert Everett. Tickets from Second coming in Slough multi- £20. Now - 6 April. story said to be anticlimactic

Schwitters in Britain @ Tate Britain – A tribute to an early 20th century artist who fled from Nazi Germany and came to Britain in 1940. He died seven years later, leaving behind collages, installations, sculptures and even poetry. This exhibition introduces us to a relatively unknown (I admit to never even having heard Writer of Schwitters until 2013) but very influential pre-pop master of different media. Fred Fyles Light, as the exhibition title sug- impossible: it turns light into a tangible Tickets from £10. Now - 12 May. gests, is the true star of the show: entity. A projector screens slowly mov- it radiates out from neon tubes ing lines onto a wall, and artifi cial mist The Love Nest @ The Old Vick Tunnels – For an art themed Valentine’s, try Love In the centre of a large room in the dangling from the ceiling, casts its transforms this into a complex series of Nest, hosted by Artful Badger at the tunnels under Waterloo station. Wander the Hayward Gallery, a cylinder made beams upon the gallery walls, and walls of light. Viewers pass through the subterranean labyrinth and discover a bohemian art gallery of dance the nigh up of hundreds of glass tubes hangs bathes entire rooms in subtle hues. piece, becoming enveloped by planes away to live bands, DJs and interactive theatre. 14 February . from the ceiling. Contained within It is presented as a living entity, es- of solid light, which gradually shift and each tube are thousands of tiny LED pecially in Cerith Wyn Evans’ piece change around them. It is something Eat your heart out @ Secret Location – Miss Cakehead and Emily Evens host three lights, which fl icker on and off , creat- S=U=P=E=R=S=T=R=U=C=T=U=R=E that needs to be experienced. nights of romantic pop ups around (we’re guessing) East London. Feed your stom- ing an endless series of hypnotising where three vertical columns of light Th is interaction with the pieces is achs on solid chocolate hearts and feast you eyes on unique arts and crafts pieces patterns. Explosions of light burst out, slowly radiate and dim. Evans’ in- continued with Doug Wheeler’s work, inspired by the same amorous organ. 8 - 10 February only to fade and be replaced by an im- spiration came from James Merrill’s in which the audience stands in the age of fl ickering stars, which grow in poem Th e Changing Light at Sandover, centre of a room illuminated with a intensity before returning to darkness. which was composed from messages square of soft neon light which hangs, Th is cycle repeats again, and again, transmitted during séances, and this seemingly unsupported, from the far and again, but is never quite alike; we otherworldliness is refl ected in the wall. Th e room has no corners – all never see the same image twice. Th is piece; the oscillation of light hints at hard lines have been removed – creat- mesmerising piece by American artist a kind of breathing, the heat radiated ing an extremely surreal environment. Leo Villareal opens the Hayward’s lat- by the strip lights reminds one of body I fi nd it diffi cult to focus on anything; est exhibition, aptly titled Light Show, warmth. the room seems to have become envel- which explores how artists use the One of the most spectacular works oped in white mist and I feel like I am medium of light to create incredible, in the exhibition, You and I, Horizontal viewing the world through a soft-focus powerful and mind-boggling artworks. by Anthony McCall, manages to do the lens. Disoriented, I try to seek relief FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 29

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas ARTS [email protected]

in Wedgework V, another installation on Terror. Th e words scroll past the piece, this time by James Turrell, but viewer, fl ashing in harsh pink and pur- I have no such luck. Th e work con- ple lights, almost forcing us to read the sists only of a wedge-shaped beam of grisly details they confer. Iván Navaro coloured light, mostly red, but with a has created a glass box made of one- thin line of blue at one end. As I sit in way mirrors. Th e viewer steps inside, the darkness something incredible oc- and seems to inhabit an eternal abyss; curs: the red begins to fade away, and the fl oor is not solid, all one can see is a bluey-purplish apparition begins to a series of lights stretching down for spread like mould across the wedge. what seems like eternity. Th e work is Th is then fades away as my eyes adjust made all the more powerful when one to the light, and the scene is replaced is reminded that Navaro grew up un- by a solid wall of grey colour; I rub der Pinochet’s regime, where people my eyes, and the red light reappears. would regularly ‘disappear’ if they dis- It never actually changed colour, but pleased the government. Turrell has managed to create a piece Th e exhibition closes with a kinetic which alters the viewer’s sense of per- piece by the Danish artist Olafur Eli- ception. It is truly astonishing. asson, in which a garden of 27 foun- Other pieces are simpler, taking tains is illuminated by strobe lighting. their inspiration from the beautiful – Th e eff ect of this is that it allows the and perhaps overlooked – sources of viewer to observe the shapes made light in the world around us. Th ere by the water in minute detail; images is a bulb that emulates the glow of of the frozen fountains are imprinted moonlight, and a collection of glow- on the eyes, creating a scene of frozen ing neon tubes which recreate the droplets, which hang like crystals in splendour of twilight in Las Vegas. mid-air. Th e work is ever changing, Chromosaturation, by the Venezue- constantly shifting and morphing into lan artist Carlos Cruz-Diez consists of a new piece. It is completely hypnotis- three rooms, each bathed in blue, red, ing; I manage to spend a good fi fteen or green light; upon entering the fi rst minutes alone in this room before room everything is bathed in a cool tearing myself away. blue light. Moving into the next room Th e Hayward Gallery has always is literally painful – the red light is a been a fantastic place to experience brilliant scarlet, and burns my retinas. experimental art, and in the last couple However, this soon fades, and when I of years its interactive exhibitions have move back to the blue room the cool gone from strength to strength. Th is tones have morphed into a brilliantly exhibition however, blows anything blinding cyan. Moving from blue to else I have seen there completely out green turns the green light a vibrant of the water. Th e way the artists have yellow; moving from green to red, and used light as a medium is completely a vivid fuchsia appears. Of course the mind-blowing, and utterly inspiring. light has never changed, it is only my I leave the gallery, still in a daze, and eyes becoming adjusted to certain fre- emerge outside. It is a beautiful win- quencies of light – a simple eff ect, but ter’s day, and the afternoon sun hangs incredibly powerful. brightly in the clear sky, but compared Th e works are not solely illusion- to what I have just seen – bulbs con- Excessively minimal fashion ary; some are political in scope. Jenny taining moonlight, gardens of shim- boutique confuses shoppers Holzer, an artist who has been us- mering crystal, dazzling explosions of ing illuminated words for the last 30 light – it seems positively dim. years, displays a column of scrolling LED signs featuring extracts from de- Light Show at the Hayward Gallery. classifi ed US documents on the War Tickets from £9. Now - 28 April.

Drawing by Hamish Muir

Sex Survey 2013 It wants you to do it. Fill it out online at: felixonline.co.uk/sexsurvey

Note: the Sex Survey is completely anonymous, as is the Drugs Survey. At no point can anyone track the answers back to you. Please be honest. 30 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski BOOKS [email protected] A Quantum Murder Alex Savell gives part two of the Peter F. Hamilton SF detective series the pre-Picocon treatment

on’t get me wrong, I of a man clinging to tradition while elsewhere. have not done a U-Turn merging this with the home of a para- In fact, it’s the sort of think tank style on the Greg Mandel noid scientist in the high-tech future. setup that is a Physicist’s wet dream. Dseries in the last week; A much tighter, more atmospheric Still the levels of technology remain I am neither an Italian, plot with more interplay between believably attainable in the near fu- nor a member of a Coalition Govern- characters than Mindstar Rising this ture, but they are gently progressing ment. I am still an advocate of the seis the sort of thing where you see why along with everything else and with ries and of the man, and will be in avid Mandel is good at his job. If you look the fi nal instalment Th e Nano Flower attendance when he speaks at the Sci- closely you’ll see that the Will Smith set some time further on, A Quantum Fi Society’s Picocon Convention in a fi lm I, Robot where it diverges from Murder provides an interesting hint of little over a week’s time. the revolutionary Asimov classic has what might be coming from the last I am, however, a little unsure of the some striking similarities to the plot of book. overuse of the word Quantum. Pub- A Quantum Murder. A secretive pro- In fact I am certain it is no accident lished in 1994, a year after the fi rst of fessor murdered in a seemingly im- that researchers are a feature of this the series, A Quantum Murder was possible fashion leaves high tech clues book, providing solid evidence of the conceived when the Q word was still to the way to solve his murder. In fact way the world is moving on and how This is a picture caption right here the buzz word of the time. We can at it’s a tale that’s been told many times, hard fought that struggle is. And next in this very box that is in the pic least be thankful that Hamilton did Th e Da Vinci Code, for instance, is also week we will have a look at just how not go along with ‘black-hole’, a simi- not so very diff erent. But remember far things progress in a decade and a larly popular 90s buzzword, which that Hamilton is a trailblazer in this. half and I will leave you to discover if wouldn’t have even had the snappy And, in fact, there is plenty to help and how Mandel manages to unravel ring of Greg Mandel continuing on in Hamilton stand out from the crowd the sinister motives of Double Nobel true detective novel style. of mystery writers; the backdrop of Laureate Edward Kitchener’s demise Getting over my minimal gripe an England clawing its way back from and a plot he’s more integral too than about titling we start to see why Ham- the brink, or possibly past it, has pro- he could possibly have thought. ilton doesn’t consider this series a tril- gressed a little in the two years that ogy. Th ough it is more true of the fi nal have passed in setting. Peter F. Hamilton will be at Imperial book of the series the title does work Seeing the country move forwards College for Picocon 30 on Saturday. as a stand-alone despite several re- a little in this is an interesting experi- February 16. As one of the Guests of turning characters including the Event ence. At the same time technology is Honour he will give an individual talk Horizon heiress Julia Evens and even starting to become more integrated; and participate in the main panel with the return of the massive conglomer- perhaps that’s a mark of the crowds Steph Swainston, Richard Morgan, ate itself. A classic ‘who-dunnit’ mur- Greg is starting to circulate within, Kate Griffi n and Jaine Fenn. For more der mystery set in a country estate certainly the estate is a level of pres- information, and to register your at- that manages to evoke the nostalgia tige and technology that isn’t available tendance, visit icsf.org.uk/picocon A lighter-hearted magical sequel

Courtney Williams Writer are a lot more prominent, which is a but in a way this just makes her easier your fantasy to not take itself too se- large part of the reason why I found it to relate to. riously (without sacrifi cing plot or so entertaining. Some people might struggle to get action), with description that’s vivid Stray Souls is Kate Griffi n’s latest book, Th e book centres on Sharon Li, a on with the book’s short chapters, but without being fl orid and plenty of the fi rst in the Magicals Anonymous barista who’s just discovered she’s a I found the structure kept the story memorable characters – or even if series, and is set in the same magical shaman, able to become one with the going at a decent pace, plus the chap- you just get a kick out of reading sto- version of London as her Matthew city. Problem is, the city’s soul ap- ters from the point of view of all the ries set in places with which you’re fa- Swift series (the fi rst of which will pears to be missing, someone needs diff erent characters really suited the miliar – then Stray Souls is defi nitely be reviewed in next week’s edition of to save it and that someone seems to self-help motif in addition to provid- one to seek out. Felix). Th e urban fantasy sub-genre is be her. And what would any of us do ing more opportunities for comedy. becoming increasingly popular but if we found ourselves in such a situa- I also particularly enjoyed the natu- Kate Griffi n is a pen name used by the Griffi n shows here, as in her previ- tion? Use Facebook and Twitter to set ralistic dialogue and how it added to twice Carnegie-nominated fantasy ous work, that she is still someone to up a self-help group for fellow magical the mundane side of things, as con- author Catherine Webb for her adult watch, even in such a crowded fi eld. beings, of course! trasted with the magical, which was fi ction. She will be at Imperial Col- You don’t have to have read that series Sharon is an interesting counter- itself a great source of humour. Th is lege for Picocon 30 on the weekend of to still enjoy Stray Souls, but there is point to the more wacky secondary book also achieves the not inconsid- February 16-17. As one of the Guests of some crossover and reading the ear- characters like Kevin the hypochon- erable feat of working social media Honour he will give an individual talk lier books fi rst wouldn’t hurt. driac vampire or Sally the art-loving into a narrative in a way that’s actu- and participate in the main panel with One major diff erence between the banshee, both of whom are part of the ally meaningful and enjoyable. Steph Swainston, Richard Morgan, Pe- series is that, while the Matthew self-help group. She could have easily My principal feeling about the book ter F. Hamilton and Jaine Fenn. For Swift books do have an undercurrent been lost amidst all of them, and she is that it’s just really fun. Obviously more information, and to register your of humour, the laughs in Stray Souls does spend a lot of the book dithering, your mileage may vary, but if you like attendance, visit icsf.org.uk/picocon FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 31

Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter MUSIC [email protected] Long Live the Radio Star Simon Hunter on why radio is still as relevant as ever

t the end of last year I up and become obsolete within years, terson’s departure from the station the underground. Rinse FM has been of years ago you’d look forward to tried to put together a the fact that radio is as relevant today was a blessing in disguise as he now around for almost two decades now, Tuesday night to see which London mixtape containing my as it was almost a century ago is quite resides over on 6 Music where he is broadcasting for 16 of those years as DJ would be spinning to roughly one Afavourite tunes of 2012. staggering. 90% of the population given 3 hours, every Saturday, to spin a pirate station. Th e sheer tenacity of hundred privileged guests and a few But I couldn’t do it. My listen to the radio every week and, the fi nest cuts from all worldly gen- keeping a pirate station broadcasting thousand online listeners. Now, a iTunes library just didn’t do 2012 jus- on average, those listeners absorb a res. And let’s not forget Pete Tong for that period of time is hugely im- diff erent party is held almost every tice, and this got me wondering why whopping 22 hours of music, news and Th e Esssssential Mix – undoubt- pressive. And were it not for the ef- night in Berlin, Los Angeles, Syd- that was. It’s not that I’ve gone ‘cold’ and Nick Grimshaw’s drivel. Digital edly the most respected DJ mix series forts of the dedicated DJs and geezers ney, New York or London, and all are on new music; I’m probably listening radio and the internet have made it in the world. As for 6 Music, the qual- who let them use their bedrooms to streamed right to your living room, to more than ever, just in a diff erent all the easier to avoid Scott Mills and ity they chuck out never fails to blow broadcast from, the likes of Grime blurring the boundaries of radio, TV way. Two or three years ago I was fi nd something you actually want to my mind, but I’ll not go on about that and Dubstep probably wouldn’t be and the club. fi nding music on blogs then heading listen to, and now almost 20% of us here - for one I’ll sound like one of the forces that they are today. In 2010 I’ve obviously only talked about my to megaupload for a bit of socially are using our mobile phones to tune those pretentious types who believe Rinse fi nally got the appreciation it thoughts on the state of radio in the acceptable thievery. Perhaps a com- in as well. they saved the station from closure deserved and was given a license to areas of music that I love. No doubt bination of the internet federales’ Th e BBC’s continual evolution with by ticking an online petition. I mean, broadcast on 106.8 FM. many of you have diff ering opinions crackdown on the Kim Dotcoms of the times is laudable. For such a large, I did that, but no one wants to sound My fi nal tribute to radio is aimed and experiences (hell, write a piece this world and my paid subscription stuff y corporation it would have been like that... at the Boiler Room. Th e online sta- and send it in), but to me radio is the to Spotify, but I pretty much stopped easy for them to plough all their re- But more than the BBC’s continual tion’s climb, starting with a few lads most important source of music – downloading music. sources into daytime Radio 1 for the relevance, it’s the Rinse FMs and Boil- DJing to each other in a grimy Lon- both new and old – around. And all Now, however, I realise that it’s the kids and Radio 2 for the grown-ups. er Rooms of the radio world that are don room three years ago, to a world- this ninety years after the fi rst enter- humble wireless (or the 21st Century But the Beeb 1’s musical fi nger is pushing the boundaries of what radio wide radio/podcast/party behemoth tainment radio station started broad- equivalent: BBC iPlayer) that’s been dead on the pulse of the dance mu- is, as well as bringing music out from is almost incomprehensible. A couple casting in Britain. holding my musical attention. In a sic scene here in the UK with Benji B world where technologies and ways and new-recruit Jackmaster getting of consuming media are born, blow serious airtime. In fact Gilles Pe- Grouper’s Ghostly Maritime Explorations AMS album of the week Matt Earnshaw Writer

Berlin-based record label PAN have a Unknown Mortal Orchestra: II tough act to follow this year given the strength of the line up curated by label owner Bill Kouligas in 2012. Releases Unknown Mortal Orchestra’s self-ti- such as those from Lee Gamble, Heat- tled 2011 debut album did a great job of sick, and Helm, amongst others, received soundtracking my Freshers’ Week with its widespread critical acclaim for their cut- warm fuzzy tones. I’m now midway through ting edge visions of contemporary ex- my second year, and UMO have returned perimental electronic music, making fre- with an album that is fresh yet nostalgic. quent appearances on the “Best of 2012” Quite a few of its songs offer more than just lists of critics and artists alike. Given the disassembles them again, looping, dis- engulfed by exhilarating, nightmarish a nod to the psychedelic rock of the 1960s, hitherto unfaltering creative vision of the torting, and heavily layering his sam- splinters of acousmatic found-sound, whilst dealing with themes of withdrawal label it should not come as too much of ples with artful precision. Th e result is which no extended metaphor can do and isolation. a surprise that PAN’s fi rst release of 2013 two exceptionally strong twelve minute adequate justice, but that will assuredly Album opener and absolute cracker ‘From the Sun’ begins as a mellow gui- charts yet another high-water mark on sides, unrelenting, seething maelstroms leave your head spinning even when the tar ditty with lovely harmonies you’d expect from the likes of Grizzly Bear, their continued upward trajectory. of samples. New noises constantly spring record has stopped. and ends as a punchy foot-stomper, with vocalist and songwriter Ruban Niel- Commercial Mouth, is the debut LP of to the foreground and themes assemble To coincide with the release of Com- son crooning throughout with the wisdom of someone that’s spent a bit too Greek sound-collagist Jar Moff , whose themselves organically, just barely fl our- mercial Mouth, Moff ’s 2011 single ‘Vidv’ much time indoors. unique strain of plunderphonics and ishing before being submerged under was re-issued on CD (albeit as a highly I’d be tempted to say this album is written with more of a band set-up in tape manipulation is a natural fi t for fresh waves of sound. limited edition of thirty fi ve, so read- mind than the first, but I’ve seen them perform the latter and it was pretty PAN alongside labelmates Joseph Ham- On the A-side, ‘Tziaitzomanasou’, a ers will be best off pursuing it as a free fuggin’ great. mer, Jason Lescalleet, and Ghédalia rhythmic basis is provided in places by download on leavingrecords.com where Another treat for the ears is the soul laden ‘So Good at Being in Trouble’, Tazartès. While Moff ’s process may be a series of clattering mechanical loops it is listed under the title Vid-R). ‘Vidv’ with one of the best vocal melodies I’ve heard in a long (sad, lonely) time. similar to that of some of his colleagues, over which all manner of samples tum- runs in much the same vein as the Com- ‘Swim and Sleep (Like a Shark)’ is as cute and playful as the name suggests. the results are uniquely refreshing. Rare- ble endlessly, including what can only mercial Mouth material with a near Despite the lack of complicated instrumentation, there’s no “stripped back” ly letting his source material give away be described as sci-fi fi lm sound eff ects. danceable psychedelic opening sequence feeling, rather a charm that is super effective at showcasing the excellent its identity, he instead tears samples into Moff ’s sparing use of rhythmic loops give giving way to the trademark disorienting songwriting. tiny fragments and pieces them back into the listener some orientation in what sound collage technique that he went on My main gripe with this album, if I had to have one, is that some of it something wholly unrecognisable, never would otherwise be fairly unnavigable to perfect on the new material. Although sounds suspiciously similar to the debut. I’m not saying artists have to be in relying on the cliché of using samples as territory and unlike some of his earlier it doesn’t quite reach the same levels of a constant state of reinvention, but two and a half years is not long enough ironic cultural references. Th e source demo work he never resorts to a bland intensity as the Commercial Mouth cuts, to have plausibly forgotten and rediscovered one of your own basslines. One material that astute listeners have man- drum machine palette to provide this, it is still a worthy morsel that should go thing I feel obliged to point out is that the track ‘Faded in the Morning’ runs aged to identify include excerpts from rather favouring the organic nature of some way towards satiating the inevita- 4:20 minutes long. Yeahhh… composer Michel Chion’s Requiem and concrète sounds. Th e title track on the B- ble postprandial appetite for Moff ’s work I thoroughly recommend this album for pretty much everyone, even if you experimental duo Musique Concret’s side is a slightly darker aff air. Beginning that you’ll work up whilst digesting the rolled your eyes at the very name of this segment. It is an unpretentious, una- ‘Bringing Up Baby’, works of musique with what sounds like a spectacularly brilliant Commercial Mouth. All eyes bashed, psyche-funk-indie-rock corker. concrète that themselves have already malfunctioning machine, layered snip- are on PAN’s next move in anticipation Yasmin Malik been pieced together from a myriad of pets of Ayler-esque saxophone improvi- of what underground gem Kouligas will acousmatic sounds. Moff mercilessly sation briefl y burst forth before being unearth next. 32 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles ﬁ [email protected] “The great and glorious g

When a hall senior tries to have sex with you... What on Earth is that around her neck?

Psycho has boardroom executives Her Serene Highness the Princess serial killer’s behaviour. Developing truly transforms into the master of Hitchcock and censors troubled with its poten- of Monaco, is completely off limits, this to strangers territories, we also suspense and there is no denying tially bold, off ensive content. much to Hitch’s dismay. So he goes see Hitch conversing with his “in- that Hopkins’ portrayal is a fun, end- Director: Sacha Gervasi “Hitch” (his preferred nickname: on to Janet Leigh (Johansson), Vera spiration.” Th ese scenes hardly ever lessly watchable one. Equally brilliant Screenwriters: John J. McLaughlin, “Just Hitch, hold the cock”) has a lot Miles (Biel), and as for the titular Psy- work, since it is never really depicted is Mirren, who is full of command- Stephen Rebello (book) of persuading and convincing to do cho role, the nervous, shy and timid just what lesson the director took ing energy, love and wisdom as the Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Helen since everyone is appalled by the idea Anthony Perkins (D’Arcy) seems to away from studying his character in behind-the-scenes guide of her hus- Mirren, Danny Huston, Scarlett of having a vicious mother-loving se- fi t the part, an excellent fi nd Alma so much depth. So he makes a fi lm band. (“I celebrate with you when the Johansson, Jessica Biel, James D’Arcy rial killer roam about on the screen manages to pick from a rather large that causes impact and its fair share reviews are good, I cry for you when murdering someone taking a shower. pile of resumes. of scandals. But how he goes about they are bad”) Her frustrations are Will there be nudity? Hitch insists So the events leading up to the bringing everything together is never entirely understandable, and she very there won’t be. Since the actress will actual production seem interesting clearly addressed and therefore it all rarely masks her feelings. She too has be wearing a shower cap. Th e Mo- enough. We wonder just how much ends up looking a bit tame for its sub- the tendency to speak her mind and tion Picture Production Code is nei- of a tough time Hitch will face, whilst ject matter. Mirren, who has never had a problem John Park Film Editor ther impressed nor amused. His wife directing his passion project. But But yes, we do see the eccentric and with the dramatics, puts everything Alma Reville (Mirren) isn’t keen on when it comes to actually showing quite possibly disturbingly perverted she has into the more wordy scenes. the idea at fi rst, but eventually warms the audiences the process of fi lming side of Hitch. He likes to stare at peo- “I put up with those people who look Once upon a time there was a man to the concept, fulfi lling the role of Psycho, we are treated to very little ple through his window. He likes to through me as if I were invisible be- named Alfred Hitchcock (Hopkins) an ever-dutiful wife who supports her insight, if at all. Hitchcock is more stare at Vera Miles changing through cause all they can see is the great and and he was as huge hit in Hollywood. husband no matter what. It’s even her interested in what eff ects the fi lm- a peep-hole. He cannot take his eyes glorious genius, Alfred Hitchcock” Many of his pictures were critically idea to have the leading lady killed off ing had on the relationship between of Janet Leigh. And he’s hardly ever says Alma, with bitter disdain when acclaimed and considerable fi nan- in the fi rst thirty minutes. the director and his wife. Aside from apologetic for his actions, even when Hitch dares to accuse her of not sup- cial success stories, with audiences Th e next hurdle comes in trying a brief scene that shows how the in- directly in front of his wife. Th is porting his work enough. worldwide entertained with his sus- to secure funding for the fi lm. Para- famous “shower scene” came into does naturally cause some tension Once the fi lm is eventually fi nished penseful movies. Th e year is 1959, mount, his usual collaborating com- existence, we very rarely visit the in his marriage. It’s not the fi rst time with the collaborative eff ort between and the English director is enjoying pany, respectfully declines to off er up set, let alone spend any time with something like this has happened. the spouses, the result is an unex- the immense hit of his latest, North the budget. Hitch, owning quite the the actors in front of Hitch’s cam- Th e famous Hitchcock blondes are pected one, and despite the hurdles, by Northwest. Aged 60, is it time for fortune himself thanks to his previ- eras. Johansson, Biel and D’Arcy all the subject of his obsessive desire it Hitchcock has once again directed him to retire whilst he’s ahead? A ous successes, decides to self-fi nance resemble their real-life counterparts seems, and Alma’s put up with them a classic that shocks us even to this reporter asks. Never; as he is never the production: that’s how much he and have a good crack at acting the for years. With the added pressure of day. His legacy lives on, and for good fi nished exploring his artistic daring. believes in the screenplay. Alma is actors’ parts, but their performances some tough hoops to jump through, reason. And here is a fi lm that tells us With the bar set this high now, an- obviously weary of Hitch’s big spend, are so brief that very little ends up of it’s only a matter of time until the two he had undying encouragement and ticipation builds on what will become but again, supports him by having any use. of them face off head-to-head. help from perhaps the most impor- his next project. After a long period to cut back on their usual expenses. Th e fi lm also wants to explore the And in these iconic roles, the two tant woman in his life. “I will never of searching for something he feels is She must also tread carefully when a psychology behind Hitch’s attach- veterans are simply outstanding. fi nd a Hitchcock blonde as beautiful exactly right, he settles on the story close friend of hers, Whitfi eld Cook ment to the original material of the Hopkins is full of odd qualities and as you,” says he, “Oh, Hitch. I’ve wait- based on serial killer Ed Gein (Mi- (Huston), insists on Alma having a production. We are intermittently is utterly brilliant in delivering his ed thirty years to hear you say that.” chael Wincott), who used to skin his read of his new script. shown Ed Gein at various stages of slow, deadpan, shock humour. With “Th at, my dear, is why they call me victims. And of course, a fi lm titled Now the casting: Grace Kelly, now his life. We see Hitch visualising the his awkward posture and gait, he the Master of Suspense.” How sweet. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 33

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM ﬁ [email protected] genius, Alfred Hitchcock”

My vibrator has a light on it L, is for the way you look at me...!

to judge no doubt, but there is also a support, her chance to become a big her. She starts off as the innocent It all sets up to become a nice lit- The Girl believable amount of substance here star, and also at the kindly advice of and naïve woman whose dream has tle piece of television soap drama set to make for a potentially intriguing Hitchcock’s secretary Peggy Robert- come true thanks to a timely Diet in the 60s, where we would also get Director: Julian Jarrold movie. Th at there were no sexual son (Wilton), she decides to forget Coke advert, but her quiet, persistent the recreation of some of the famous Screenwriters: Gwyneth Hughes, harassment laws back in the day to about the incident and soldier on. A strength shows in her necessary cold- scenes of Hitchcock’s fascinating Th e Donald Spoto protect working actresses supposedly small sacrifi ce to pay it seems, for a ness towards her legendary director, Birds. Th e main problem here, how- Starring: Toby Jones, Sienna Miller, prevented Hedren from taking much guaranteed future. But his approach fearing the possibility of an end to ever, is quite simply how lifeless and Penelope Wilton, Imelda Staunton action. And here is what should be becomes more and more direct as her short-lived career, but also hold- dull everything feels. Th e fi lm has al- described as a partially fi ctionalised time goes by, and becomes challeng- ing onto her dignity. She possesses ready done a tremendous job in fi nd- account of how Hedren became but ing to cope with. He even tells her the beauty and icy glamour of the ing the right cast members to play ultimately declined the role of be- directly that in exchange for being actress in the 1960s, and comfortably the big names, but when it comes to coming Hitchcock’s next “Girl.” under exclusive contract with the settles into the lavish background at- telling the story, it feels muddled and Hedren (Miller) is barely starting director, she needs to obey his com- mosphere that has been impeccably confused, never quite establishing a out in the industry when she catch- mands. It all seems ludicrously one- set up for her by the technical team. convincing enough link between its John Park Film Editor es the eyes of Hitchcock (Jones) and sided but hey, Tippi Hedren insists For someone portrayed in such a characters. It feels oddly detached, he is immediately captivated by her things like this were commonplace in negative light, Jones tries to bring out and moves at such a dreary pace that looks and her potential to become the the fi lm industry back in the day. as much sympathy in his character it becomes diffi cult to maintain any Tippi Hedren is not in the least bit next big star in his fi lms. Her screen- With repeated rejections Hitch- as possible. Essentially his character sense of serious drama or any tension inhibited when it comes to talking test is successful, and her overnight cock resorts to even sneakier, slier boils down to being a sex-crazed main the narrative. It’s a relatively short about the relationship she had with stardom appears to be well underway. and more despicable methods to get niac who pines for his leading ladies; fi lm too, and yet it still struggles to director Alfred Hitchcock. Starring And despite her very limited experi- back at his young blonde obsession. inappropriately and relentlessly pur- engage with the viewers on any level. in two of his fi lms Th e Birds and ence in the acting industry (she had Th e fi lm in production, Th e Birds, re- suing relationships with them. And Forget about the one-sided view Marnie, Hedren got the fi rst-hand a successful modelling career prior quires its lead actress, Hedren, to be yet there is almost a child-like fas- argument. Yes, we’ll probably never experience of the eccentric direc- to this move), Hitchcock personally attacked repeatedly by vicious birds. cination and curiosity in his eyes as know the real truth behind what tor, and claims she was subjected to takes her under his wing, with the And Hedren is given assurance that he never gives up chasing the things actually happened on the sets and continuous harsh, unfair treatment young beauty experiencing all sorts these birds will be mechanical and he cannot have. His interactions with what Hitchcock’s true motivations and cruelty under a genius, brilliant of glittering benefi ts of being tied to that the set will be a safe environ- his wife Alma (Staunton) are briefl y and desires were, but this still could director who had a rather unhealthy one of the most infl uential fi gures in ment. So imagine her surprise when glossed over, and a sub-plot involves have made for a fun, trashy television obsession for the rising starlet. Th ese Hollywood. But it becomes all too she discovers that real birds in cages how the long-suff ering wife decides movie. Th e Girl doesn’t even come claims, of course, come years after clear soon enough that his interest are being prepped to be set free to to take off for a few days after a par- close to being that. Instead what we his death, after Hedren spoke warmly in her is not entirely an innocent one. fl y all over the actress. Even worse, ticularly bad episode in their mar- have here is a fi lm more interested of the director whilst he was receiv- As Hitchcock’s infatuation moves Hitchcock requests for several days riage; this is when he realises that in in relishing in its artistic side, trying ing his American Film Institute’s past the long stares, he swiftly de- of the same take, leaving Hedren ex- fact, without his wife, his life is quite to make everything look pretty and Lifetime Achievement Award, claims cides to quite literally throw him- hausted and traumatised. Not getting meaningless. It is in these brief mo- authentic. And on that front the fi lm that have also been refuted by other self onto the vulnerable actress. She what he wants, he resorts to bullying ments of weaknesses that the audi- succeeds – but it’s a real shame that actresses (Kim Novak, Eva Marie manages to fend him off when he her, physically and emotionally. ence can feel sympathy towards the style takes over substance a few too Saint) who had also worked closely puts his predatory moves on her in a Played by the steely determined otherwise very much unlikable direc- many times to tell a coherent story. with him. So the degree of authen- car, an action that deeply upsets and Miller, Hedren was right to be pleased tor. Th e feeling never lasts long, but ticity of her accusations is diffi cult troubles her. But with a daughter to with the casting of the actress to play those scenes to come. Th e Girl is available on DVD. 34 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY-

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles ﬁ [email protected] Felix Film favouri

Jessica Chastain Jennifer Lawrence Emmanuelle Riva Quvenzhané Wallis Naomi Watts Zero Dark Thirty Silver Linings Playbook Amour Beasts of the Southern Wild The Impossible

Previous winner? No Previous winner? No Previous winner? No Previous winner? No Previous winner? No

Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? Yes Previous nominee? No Previous nominee? No Previous nominee? Yes The Help (2011) Winter’s Bone (2011) 21 Grams (2003) Why she will win: Why she will win: Why she will win: Why she will win: The oldest actress to have The youngest actress ever to Why she will win: Chastain is on a roll, rapidly Lawrence is also becoming a ever been nominated in this be nominated for the Best Oscar winning actress Reese rising as one of the most household name in Hollywood category (85!!!), distinguished Actress Oscar (9!!!), she was Witherspoon was so incredibly sought-after actresses after as a young, fresh-faced, French actress Riva got a even younger (6!!!) during the moved by Watts’ performance only a couple of years of incredibly gifted actress surprising but certainly fi lming of Benh Zeitlin’s indie that she wrote an open letter exposure. Back in 2010, no- who can handle various deserving nomination hit. Hand-picked from over praising the actress’ utterly one had heard of this talented roles ranging from small starring in Michael Haneke’s 4,000 girls, her performance is fearless performance in Juan individual. 2011, all critics independent fi lms to huge, foreign indie favourite, with a fearless yet adorable one. Antonio Bayona’s tsunami could talk about was her blockbuster movies. Her a beautifully heart-wrenching disaster family drama. And extraordinary versatility. And most recent performance performance of a stroke victim Why she won’t win: Ms. Witherspoon is absolutely this year she has done it again, as an unstable woman gave that eventually leaves her bed- Now she is defi nitely too right: a performance of heading Kathryn Bigelow’s the critics plenty to cheer bound and incapacitated. young to win this thing. Young immense strength as well as war drama to hunt Osama bin about: singling out her mature performers have succeeded vulnerability, it’s a powerful Laden. performance as one of the Why she won’t win: in the past to score some display in one hell of an fi lm’s big highlights. Plus, she It’s very diffi cult to win in a “Supporting” awards but emotionally draining fi lm. Why she won’t win: won the SAG Award for Best foreign language performance, when it comes to the “Leading” She missed out on the vital Actress, always a good sign and only a handful of actors category, more seasoned, Why she won’t win: Screen Actors Guild Award when predicting the Oscars. have won in the past. In such more experienced people tend It’s just Watts representing to fellow nominee Jennifer a tough category, and without to scoop the prize. This doesn’t the fi lm now, with the movie Lawrence. Now this is by no Why she won’t win: many wins so far, this one will diminish her startling efforts having been ignored on all means a straightaway loss but Is she too young? Do 22 -year- have to be all about the honour however, it’s just that there’s fronts in other categories = not it does decrease her chances. olds win Best Actress Oscars? of being nominated. no way she’ll win this year. a very good sign. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 35

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM ﬁ [email protected] ites for the Oscars

Bradley Cooper Daniel Day-Lewis Hugh Jackman Joaquin Phoenix Denzel Washington Silver Linings Playbook Lincoln Les Misérables The Master Flight

Previous winner? No Previous winner? Yes Previous winner? No Previous winner? No Previous winner? Yes My Left Foot (1989) Glory (1989) Previous nominee? No There Will Be Blood (2007) Previous nominee? No Previous nominee? Yes Training Day (2001) Gladiator (2000) Why he will win: Previous nominee? Yes Why he will win: Walk the Line (2005) Previous nominee? Yes With the tough concept of In the Name of the Father There is a lot of backlash on the Cry Freedom (1987) mental illness, Cooper does (1993) actors’ singing abilities in Tom Why he will win: Malcolm X (1992) a stunning job in bringing Gangs of New York (2002) Hooper’s stirring musical epic. Paul Thomas Anderson’s fi lms The Hurricane (1999) out both the comedic and And yes, the actors aren’t all have almost always secured dramatic sides of his complex Why he will win: perfect live-singers, but within acting nominations even if Why he will win: character. His performance has This is as Oscar-friendly and the context of the fi lm and his fi lms would sometimes go As an airline pilot struggling been described as “carefully Oscar-baity as it gets. Playing what’s going on in the screen, unnoticed. Here is Phoenix with dangerous addiction to developed” and “perfectly a celebrated, iconic, forever- their vocals match the intense at his most volatile and alcohol and drugs, two-time pitched”. Not bad at all for a loved American President, performances everyone is unpredictable, one of the best winner Washington is in a fi rst-time nominee. in a fi lm focusing on one of giving. Jackman gets better in his career, right after his... deep character study for this the most important years as the fi lm progresses, and his ahem...”rap/singing/comical one as he is forced to confront Why he won’t win: of American history, Steven fi nal departing scene is one of farce career” sidetrack. his demons when a horrendous The fi lm itself has been Spielberg’s latest biopic has true wonder. accident leaves his future in criticised for being a bog- been lavished with awards, Why he won’t win: jeopardy. standard romantic comedy a lot of them rightly going to Why he won’t win: The Master had fantastic buzz with a cop-out ending. Plus he’s Day-Lewis’ stunning portrayal Whatever anyone says about – back in September. But now, Why he won’t win: up against one of the greatest of the man himself. A win with Jackman’s astounding turn not so much, next to nothing. There is just far too much actors of this generation in the SAG doesn’t hurt either. here, there will always be And remember when he competition here for a repeat one of his greatest roles yet. detractors when it comes to dissed the Academy calling it winner to shine in a fi lm that Anyone competing with Why he won’t win: musicals and especially with “bullshit”? It’s lucky he got this hasn’t been receiving that Daniel Day-Lewis is in for A third Oscar is always a tricky this live-singing that brought nomination – he could have much buzz as of late. He’ll have some tough times ahead. one to get. out some wobbly notes. been tossed aside entirely. to sit this one out. 36 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Games Editor: Ross Webster GAMES [email protected] It’s time to partner up Ross Webster asks “Will you be my player 2?”

ove is in the air. At least, I think that’s what the smell Aim for the heart... and try not to miss is. Whether you’re in the L mood for romance, bro- Unsurprisingly, the sequel to the 2005 as a runner, and another one provid- the game is the slew of slow-motion target’s belts always leads to a satisfy- mance, an XX-only party, tactical shooter Sniper Elite, Sniper ing covering fi re, but it’s not long till videos you get when you head-shot ing explosion, and can save ammo if or a takeaway for one, this duo of Fe- Elite V2 sees you ripping your way you reach a point where you need an enemy, (even slower motion when it’s scarce. lix’s current go-to co-op games will through Berlin, and anyone who looks both players together, so that plan falls you hit the fuel cap of a tank, or a wine Th e graphics are great (and don’t get your pulse racing this Valentine’s at you slightly odd. Th e campaign co- apart quickly. Use Overwatch for that. bottle), but that kinda implies that it seem taxing on average computer Day. And if you don’t have a special op plays as you would expect – both With hidden Nazi gold and well... gets boring after a while, and I don’t hardware) as is the audio and music, someone/something close to your players are identical in gameplay wine bottles, there’s a bit of replay- think it does. Th ankfully, both players so I’ve no quibbles there. One thing I heart, we’ll always have each other the terms. You’ll look diff erent, and you ability, but the sole attraction of this only share slow-motion kills when it’s will question, however, is the choice of internet. can choose diff erent weapon loadouts game is not just the co-op campaign. something big, so your partner can the overused over-the-shoulder cam- at the start of each mission, but that’s Th ere is a variety of non-storyline continue covering the walls of Berlin era view. I think we would prefer to about as far as your individuality gets. modes that are great for you and your with knee-originating blood-spatter, play this as an FPS, as the controls can Th at being said, the co-op playth- plus-one. Th ere are three extra modes whilst you enjoy getting those sweet, feel a little ‘clunky’ as they current are. rough of the game with the people – Overwatch, Bombing Run and Kill sweet headshots. Th e game is currently out on Steam in the Felix offi ce couldn’t exactly be Tally. Overwatch sees two diff erent You don’t have to aim for body parts (£29.99), PS3 and 360, so if you fancy called ‘stealthy’, so it seems like quite roles for the players – one player is either, to get the most bang-per-bul- a night in, taking people out, then I’d a diff erent game, when compared to a sniper, and the other is a rifl e-less let. Aiming at the grenades on your highly recommend this game. the solo campaign. We found it much runner, who has to make their way easier just to run around and snipe through the piles of bodies to get everyone, with no care being put into plans/set bombs/mark targets – you hiding bodies. Th ere’s no reward for get the idea. Th is is the one-and-only being unnoticed, so we never really game mode where you can’t revive the bothered. other player, which actually makes you As a team, your goal is to halt the depend on your partner a lot more. work on the V2 rocket project, by Secondly, Bombing Run has the two He’s gonna have to see Games Editor’s note – the Felix Games placing bullets in the heads of those of you running through ruins trying to an... um... *flips pages* team takes no responsibilty for broken who helped create the weapons. Th e repair an escape vehicle, before your “osteopath” after that. hearts, poisoned meals, cakes which levels feel open at times, with large timer runs out and you are blown to Man, this dictionary turned out to be lies, or wine bottles areas to make your way through, yet pieces in a bombing run. Th e third and thing sure is fun! which suddenly make the world go in at other points, it just feels like you’re fi nal mode – Kill Tally, is your run of slow motion. being bottlenecked, ready for the next the mill horde mode. trap. We tried to have one player act I would say the main gimmick of Valentine’s Day: The Heist

Keeps his money Ross Webster under his mattress Hood and his band of merry miscre- pink mist if you’re not fast enough. ants, as you don’t give the money to the Th ere’s a simple levelling system, poor afterwards (unless you include where you don’t use experience for Nothing says “I love you” more than yourselves). improving your equipment, but cold, robbing a bank together. Even if it’s Teamwork is key in this game, along hard cash. Headshots etc. won’t give four guys with a fetish for masks and with communication. Th e levels will you more points, but it’ll mean you gold. see the team separated as the drills/ actually get to live long enough to pos- I could make a joke In Payday: Th e Heist your fi ne self, circular saws/computers have jammed sibly fi nish the level. Th ere are three about the only real and up to three other humans/A.I.s or crashed at the most inopportune (four if you get the Wolf Pack DLC) dif- thieves being the aim to steal as much money as you times, and on opposite sides of the ferent unlock routes – assault, sharp- bankers, but that’d can, whilst under the imminent threat map, so you need to be able to trust shooter, support (and technician, with be unfair. Oh, wait... of being tazed in the groin. You’re not each other. the DLC). Any time during a mission, really the bad guys in all this though, What I love about Payday, is that the you can change which path you’re on, as you’re not just going for banks, but games are pseudo-random, and that and when you pick up enough money an assault, when you’ll be swamped and you can’t stop it from happening. you’re more often tasked with stealing the diffi culty curve is punishing. For to increase your reputation level, you by unlimited enemies until the timer If there is one modern game that I money gained through illegal means. example, in one mission, you’ll have get the unlock from that class. Th e runs out. Just like L4D2 (there’s a lot would have to tout as having the larg- Th ink of yourselves as a modern Robin a limo dropped onto a roof. However, path you travel has no impact on your of inter-weaving of the two universes, est replayability value, this game would there’s a good chance that it’ll break gameplay, and due to some upgrades I won’t spoil much) there are special be one of the top contenders. Just a few through the ceiling and fall down a being locked until you reach a certain cops – some with tazers, riot shields, months ago, a team managed to fi nd a stairwell, stopping at any fl oor. En- level, it’s impossible to simply expand snipers and the dreaded bulldozer, massive hidden vault in the fi rst level emies can spawn from random loca- along one tree – you need to diversify. more aff ectionately known as ‘that – it took months of research and work tions around this randomly-located With this system, until you’re at the goddamn astronaut guy’, so it’s not al- to complete the puzzles needed to car, so it’s tough to get a strategy that highest levels, there’s a good chance ways a one-sided slaughter of cops. reach the fi nal vault. Payday 2 is in the works everytime. Overkill (the highest your team will all have slightly diff er- Stealth isn’t needed in this game, but works, and it should be a great game Enough gold to diffi culty that most people will encoun- ent unlocks. it helps. Th ere’s one mission where you if they follow the same recipe – I have reach rep level 2? ter) alters parts of the level sometimes Your enemy in this game is the po- can fi nish without anyone even notic- only one request – give a versus mode, Time to grind – possibly fi lling a once-safe room with lice, in all it’s shapes and forms. Th e ing you there, whilst on others, the po- where humans can play as the special timed explosives that’ll turn you into enemies will dribble in, until there’s lice are going to turn up at a set time, cops, trying to stop the heisters. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 37

Games Editor: Ross Webster [email protected] GAMES Loud and clear: Auditorium HD

Louis Gall Risk Jockey fl ash-based game on the PC before moving on to great success as an iOS game. Soon after it was ported to PS3 As a physicist there is something about as Auditorium HD and this is the ver- making particles swirl round and mak- sion I am reviewing. Whilst I think the ing pretty pictures from the results fundamentals of a puzzler of this type I’d like to see the Large which I totally get deep down inside my are more suited to iOS the PS3 version Hadron Collider do this! soul. Auditorium HD is a game about does have some defi nite positives. directing a stream of coloured particles Dual analog control allows precise into audio containers. Th ese audio con- location movements and concurrent tainers light up when suffi cient parti- resizing of the tools, this would be dif- cles of the correct colour touch them, fi cult to do both at once in a precise adding a new instrument or phrase manner by touch or mouse. I can also into the mix progressively unlocking imagine getting the various pieces in what are often beautifully atmospheric the perfect position to be much more tracks. To achieve this each level gives diffi cult when your thumb is obscur- you a wide variety of tools, including ing a signifi cant portion of the screen, splitters, black holes, coloured bubbles especially as some of the harder levels that change the colour of particles and require pixel-level precision. accelerators amongst others. Most of the time, Auditorium is suc- Th e fi rst thing you notice is the in- cessful at invoking that ‘I am such a ge- credible start up loading time. It takes nius!’ level of elation that the best puz- at least 5 minutes to get into game zle games are capable of summoning. from PS3 on to swirling them beams. Sadly, some of the harder levels can right things’. And if that failed I moved ‘Modern’ songs display greater vari- structure. Namely, when you get stuck Th is is far too long for a puzzle game, dissolve into a tedious trial and error it a pixel to the right. Th ey look good in ety, though sometimes it can feel like on a level and are unable to light up a genre best suited to 5-10 minute process: changing the location and size action though. they just replaced the piano with a that last phrase to complete a piece. bursts when you have nothing else to of each component by a pixel at a time Th e music is a core part of the game keyboard and the violins with a synth. Th e resulting ten minute looping of a do. Everything else from there on out to ensure the beam goes in exactly (wouldn’t have guessed by the name) Each piece is broken up into 4-7 levels; half-complete song can become very is instantaneous, which evens out over the right direction. I found the swirly- and it is generally fantastic in an at- each level forms a movement of the annoying. Th ese diffi culty spikes come a long play session where the initial attractor tools were the worst for this. mospheric kind of way. Th e ‘Clas- overall track until you have unlocked out of nowhere too, as the game is not loading time isn’t 50% of the time you My tactics with these quickly become sic’ tracks are often a twinkly piano the entire song. a progression but isolated individual have to play it. ‘make it bigger to catch more and hope and accompanying violin producing However there is quite a jarring tracks, though generally these go from Auditorium fi rst saw the light as a the resulting mad swirl touches the an almost melancholic feeling. Th e problem lurking beneath this level easy to hard through their own levels. Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ Promising screen-

Ross Webster Bad mother-trucker the place. Th is suddenly makes the into account. Th e controls are great, game interesting, when reversing your and unlike other driving simulators I shot of the week truck doesn’t do what you want it to. can mention (I’m looking at you, Bus I feared this would happen. It was Don’t let me get started on parallel and Cable Car Simulator: San Francis- foretold by an ancient Mayan calen- parking either. co) not every button on your keyboard dar, and Nostradamus mentioned it Th ere’s a smorgasbord of missions, does something. For example, I’m not somewhere. It’s a simulator game that and you can get 4 rankings – gold, sil- going to be driving along and then ac- I like, and won’t take the mickey out ver, bronze, and completed for each cidentally open the doors on the side of. Much. one. You can only get a medal if you of the bus, and spill my fl eshy contents From the studio that brought us fi nish the mission without your cab or onto the sidewalk (American game, Euro Truck Simulator (numbers 1 and trailer hitting anything, however. As American lingo). Th e worst I can end 2), Trucks & Trailers has you in the per usual, the shininess of your medal up doing is unlocking the trailer and shoes of a trucker. Your job: to navi- is dictated by the swiftness of your having it slide along the ground, ready gate your way through loading depots, parking. for me to pick it up again. various car parks and rest stops. It’s Everything seems simple, but then Th ere are a couple of things that I nowhere near as easy as I thought it you’ve got to navigate the other vehi- think are a bit of a shame – you start would be. Why? You have no control cles/obstacles in the area, as well as the game with all the trucks/cabins over the trailer you’re hauling around take the actual size of the compound unlocked. I feel that there should be something to work towards – I’m still going to be wasting my time trying to get the gold medals on everything, but why not be rewarded by more trucks (or maybe decals and extras. I wanna The DayZ Stand(s)alone pimp up my cabin with a Hello Kitty sprayed on the side, and a little wob- That’s right! We’ve now seen footage of the DayZ standalone, and some of the bling hula-girl on my dashboard)? great work that’s gone into it – proper scavenging for loot, swampy areas of Graphics-wise, the game looks fi ne Chernarus, clothes that aren’t just onesies, and real clouds... Unsurprisingly, for a year-and-a-bit old game, and the this video stoked the fandom for the game, and prodded at that sore bit, left audio’s rather simple but realistic (not over from the chafing departure of WarZ. that I’d expect much else from a driv- Urge to shoot large ing sim). I managed to crank video set- Got a screenshot of your CoD scoreboard after a killing spree? Cosplay fails? tanker... increasing... tings up to their max, keeping a steady Rage quitters? Xbox on fire? Too many question marks???¿ frame rate, so no worries there. Send ‘em in! - [email protected] A solid buy, if you’re into... haulage.. 38 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Technology Editor: Jason Parmar TECHNOLOGY Maximilian Eggl [email protected] Crackberry or Crapberry? Maximilian Eggl looks at the fortunes of a different fruity company

ack in the early days Z10 phone, which has no physical to see how it works. Lastly concern- With quite respectable specs, I can of mobile electronics, The vast “home button”, means this OS is very ing the OS, BlackBerry have now see this phone being quite a hit. All a BlackBerry phone gestured reliant. If BlackBerry decide rebranded the app store, calling it in all the Z10’s task to attract atten- Bwas the thing to have. to license (a fi rst for the company) BlackBerry World. Th is store now tion back to BlackBerry, and get with Th e fi rst true smart- majority of BB10 to other companies, this may has roughly 70,000 apps with more the times, while the second is more phone, BlackBerry (formerly known or not aff ect if those devices have coming every day due to the tech of an off er to the corporate world as as RIM), was the fi rst company to physical buttons. Th e vast major- company’s increased encourage- well as the hardcore fans. really attempt to make a really port- actions are ity of actions are taken care of with ment in making apps for BB10 (e.g. Th e big question is if the Canadian able computer. With the miniature swipes and fl icks, with the tech gi- Portathons for developers) Tech company can slow the descent, keyboard, BBM, Mail services etc, it taken care ant having called this “feature” Flow. As well as releasing a new operat- and return to the world stage of the really was a success in the corporate While certainly innovative, it is a bit ing system, they released two new big phone makers. Th e delay with the market, as well as with the general of a steep learning curve for those of devices, the Z10 a full touchscreen release BB10 did not help, as expec- consumer. However with the advent swipes and us who like the occasional button on phone as well as the Q10, which tation of the new products has just of the touchscreen based smart- their phones. Th e standout features remains in line design-wise like its risen as well as pressure on Black- phone, BlackBerry failed to keep up of BB10 include “Active Frames”, predecessors. Th e Z10 looks like a Berry. Th e OS does seem promising, with the market. In fact over the last fl icks similar to Windows 8 tiles, where a beautiful phone, with a powerful and the two new phones look good 5 years their stock has shed more “preview” of the app with live info is processor and generally good specs. on paper, yet it may be a case of too than 90% of its value, wiping roughly displayed, as well as “peek”, a window However, I do agree with some crit- little, too late. While some critics 70 billion dollars of the value of the with all your notifi cations which is ics, that although well designed, it have been praising the bold steps company. Th ey have released several 10 has been released (30th of Jan). A in fact seems very similar to the no- does look similar to most smart- that BlackBerry are taking, others failures, most notably the Playbook complete overhaul from the previ- tifi cations centre in iOS. Th ere are phones out there. Th is will make it are not that optimistic citing a strong and in general have been making ous OS based on the software of the several other features, including a harder for the average Joe to pick opposition in the smartphone mar- losses the last few quarters. Even company QNX software systems, it brand new Camera app, browser and it out of the multitude of other de- ket. Investor confi dence is very low, their core business, the corporations “has the job of save the failing Cana- new BBM. However all these things vices. However recent sales fi gures with the stock price sinking immedi- and governments have started to dian tech company. Available for all don’t really feel new, as most have in the UK have beaten expectations, ately after the new product release. drop them in favour of Apple, An- future BlackBerry devices, as well been seen either on Android, iOS or with the white Z10 being sold out However things do seem to be on the droid and Microsoft. as the Playbook Tablets, hopefully Windows 8. Th e only thing that re- quite rapidly. up. After the Super Bowl ad (the fi rst Now after a long delay, the lauded allowing them to achieve their full ally stands out for me is fl ow, and I Th e Q10, release date purported in the companies history), the stock saviour of the company, BlackBerry potential. Th is OS released with the can’tcan t wait to get a handshands-on on with that to be mid-2013 on the other hand is has risen, and the new products have vintage BlackBerry, with its instantly been quite a success. Could this be recognisable keyboard. It also has a the start of a long and arduous jour- ” touchscreen, similar to the Storm. ney for BlackBerry’s back to the top? The News Bubble General news from around the tech world, so you can keep up to date with the newest, weirdest and most futuristic things around. Dell buys...Dell...? Micheal Dell, founder of the third largest computer manufacturer, is buying back his own company in a bid to make it competitive again. Maybe it will actually work! 3 Clicks of Freedom Recently a report was published, describing how an innocent video of sesame street on youtube can lead to a rather graphic video of a woman giving birth. Thus a child can relatively easily access explicit nudity as well as violence. What we all have to take from this? Sesame street is bad, M’kay! New Apple Interface? Apparently Apple is looking for someone in a job ad to help them completely redesign Mac OS as well as iOS. With the firing of Scott Forstall, and with Johnathan Ive in charge we probably will see lots of changes! Leave-Facebook Syndrome Facebook data now reveals that two thirds of their users log off for weeks at a time. Apparently due to them not being able to deal with the drama of their friends and boredom of general Facebook. While this may not impact Facebook directly, it might show that this social network has lost its appeal. Instagram on the PC Instagram is not mobile exclusive anymore! For all you who are Instagram ad- dicts, this is just another way to feed your addiction. For anyone else it doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Two new beautiful phones, one ‘new’ and one ‘old’, with some serious specs behind them. Honestly, I wish I had one... FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 39

Technology Editor: Jason Parmar Maximilian Eggl TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Love for Android Fragmentation The bane and boon of Android, the world’s biggest mobile ecosystem

Yong Wen Chua Technology Writer latest version of Android within a Th e dynam- few months of its release by Google. ics between Th is is because manufacturers tend hardware Th e big F word in the Android world: to move on to their next product very manufacturers fragmentation. quickly after they have released them, creating too Th is is the word that Android scep- reducing their commercial interests in many devices tics and users both decry and hate. It continual support for older devices. and develop- is both the bane and boon of Android. But Android is also open source. ers making When Google made Android open And the open source community has aftermarket source, it created a whole new set of risen up to the challenge of updat- fi rmware for problems and opportunities for users. ing phones that have long since been phones create Android handset makers have cre- abandoned by the manufacturers. a very unique ated a whole plethora of devices, rang- Bring forth Cyanogenmod. considera- ing from the low end to the highest Cyanogenmod is an “aftermarket tion for buy- end like the coveted Samsung Galaxy fi rmware” for phones that is built en- ers seeking to S3, for example. Th ese devices across tirely from the source code of Android buy Android the whole range of price points have released by Google. Cyanogenmod devices. One helped catapult Android to being the supports a whole range of devices. It might ask “will number one smartphone operating is the saviour of users who are unable my phone be system worldwide. However it has to upgrade t heir widely sup- also caused numerous problems, ported by both for software developers developers and the handset manufactur- so that I can ers. Software developers fi nd have the best it hard to develop for the selection of huge range of devices and aftermarket handset manufacturers firmware?” have been notorious Generally, in their slow speed phones in the in the updating of Nexus series Android phone’s enjoy the most software. Save for amount of de- Nexus line of veloper’s at- devices bless- tention. while ed by Goog- phones historically, le, it is hard long phones by to fi nd any aban- HTC have also device doned by been widely out their manu- supported. there facturers, Samsung, with and savour however, is the the latest ver- notorious for sion of the An- their lack of droid OS. It can documenta- literally bring a tion for the fresh breath of new chips used in life to their ailing their phones. phones. It is also an On the other opportunity for users end of the who dislike the skins and spectrum, customisations that their Sony has been phone manufacturers have slapped tireless in en- onto the phone to use something that couraging has less bloat. developers to It is hard to Inspired by Cyanogenmod, many develop for other developers have began their their devices own projects that seek to bring more by release fi nd any de- radical new features to Android. Pro- source code, Instant reply,YAY! No more awkward texts to the wrong people you never wanted to see jects such as Paranoid Android bring for example. about very innovative features like It is an inter- vice out there “pie control” and diff erent “modes” esting consideration for phone buy- of the iPhone, it is extremely easy to to the phones. Projects such as these ers, possibly unique to Android at the see how being open source has both Techhead? with the lat- have once again proven that open moment. It can only be benefi cial to harmed and benefi tted Android. I Yes? source projects can bring about highly phone manufacturers if they support would argue that the benefi ts that be- innovative outcomes. Th e tenacity of the developer community. ing open source has brought Android Write for us: est version of developers in supporting many devic- Open source software has always greatly outweigh the problems of frag- es that have long been ditched by the played a massive role in the software mentation. Being open is the way for- tech.felix@imperial. commercial entities is probably one of community. Th e most popular kernel, ward, and it is with this great foresight ac.uk Android the best outcome that can come out of Linux, is open source. When con- that Google fi rst made Android open “” Android being open source. trasted to the extremely closed nature source from the get go. metriclive

Tonight 20:00-02:00/£2.50/metric Everyhouse Wednesday & Fridayspirit from 18:00 feb offers & mixer Belhaven Best ruddles best £2.00 Every Sunday, Every day £2.10 Tuesday and £2.70throughout Thursday only. February. JÄgerbomb strongbow can Aspalls draught only Every day Every day throughout £2.70throughout £2.00 February. February. £2.50 Every day Belvoir Presse£1.50 throughout February. IN ALL BARS, every day imperialcollegeunion.org/whats-on FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 41

Coffee Break Boss: Matt Colvin [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Election super special TRASH Coffee Break hits the campaign trail to determine Cutting to the heart of the movers and shakers that won’t be appearing TALK the week’s big topics

lection fever is gripping Imperial! Wait, sorry. Did I just Ewrite that? Let me start again. STUDENT FAILS TO Lukewarm anticipation towards elections is gripping Imperial! Maybe I’m being a little harsh. Elec- tion season is no-holds barred event ENJOY WORK stuff , granted. But then Tom Daley’s primetime ITV ‘smash-hit’ Splash! is event stuff in my mind too. Nevertheless, it’s that time of year when a few people go ahead and nominate themselves for a bevy of illustri- ous sounding positions in an attempt to scale the heady heights of the Union Political SceneTM. When you play the game of #voteicu you win or you get beaten by RON. Th ere is no middle ground. A frustrated student wrote in to you look on the back of the pack- Personally I can’t wait for the results Trash Talk to vent his anger when aging for a Chicken Caesar of CGCU Bolt and Spanner Bearer – it emerged that his computer Wrap expecting it to be properly at least you know what you’re getting code wasn’t working. Comput- healthy, then you see all the red for your money. ing student Raj Denton was un- values for sugar and saturated Anyway, any election needs a good dertaking a project when he “ran fats and stuff? That’s basically campaign team, so we here at Coff ee into a brick wall, metaphorically”. how I felt when my code didn’t Break have put our heads together and Denton has since been struggling compile, and it’s how I still feel.” derived the ultimate team that you’ll to rectify his mistakes. Speak- “I took to Facebook and posted a want by your side in your quest to be ing to Trash Talk, he spoke of the status about how frustrated I was head honcho on the Imperial cam- “disappointment” he currently felt. with the work,” he continued, “It paign trail. “You know that feeling when got seven likes, which was nice.”

Donald Trump: Will Daniel Day-Lewis Communications Offi cer run for Union President? Recommended for his measured use of social network Twitter DROPPED An example of this can be found from antics last week, when ‘Th e Don- President Barack Obama: Daniel-Day Lewis: ald’ took a no-nonsense approach to Team Leader You BAGUETTE – American rapper Mac Miller’s un- Recommended for being the President of Recommended for being an Oscar-win- authorised use of Trump’s name in the United States ning actor his hit single, entitled, well, ‘Donald Trump’. Th e guy’s already won the biggest When I say method, you say actor. Th e election in the universe. What else gentleman chooses his roles wisely NOBODY CARES “Little @MacMiller, I’m now going would you want? You could even and has loads of awards for portray- to teach you a big boy lesson about buddy up and make one of those ri- ing people who aren’t him. So why not lawsuits and ﬁ nance. You ungrateful otous political advertisements where just hire him to be you for a couple of dog!” you make your opponent out to be a weeks? Th at way, if you have project bit of a shady character, and impli- deadlines stacking up, you could stay I presume Trump followed this cate them in business scandals and in the Library while he goes around zinger up by proclaiming Mr Miller an all that kind of stuﬀ . Th at might not lecture theatres doing shout-outs and irascible hound, or perhaps a mangy be within the Union’s rules though. It throwing out sweets. I’m sure he can cur. probably isn’t. play socially awkward very well.

A mystery surrounding an aban- her lunch and coffee: “Looking doned baguette on Sherﬁ eld back I really should have picked Walkway was unravelled in thrill- up the baguette, but spilling the If you want to experience the ing fashion earlier this week. coffee really was one step too far Potential hypotheses for its place- and it was all just too embarrass- Felix Offi ce ﬁ rst hand, drop us an email. ment ranged from consumer distaste ing. Going back for it was never to (as special services probably no an option either, someone might We always need writers, illustrators, longer refer to it as) a ‘dead drop’. have recognised me from earlier.” Student Alex Parr came forward to When asked for an outsider’s photographers and probably more. explain that the lone baguette sim- opinion, a third year mathemat- ply came about due to an incident ics undergraduate said that he [email protected] where she accidentally dropped had “no knowledge” of the event. 42 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

HANGMAN [email protected]

Rap lyrics of That day again: remember the week Chip: “Rack City” that nobody loves you day The infamous Valentine’s Day is here, but don’t worry...

Nah, just kidding. Th at subtitle is doves were let loose while the fi fteen a lie. You should be scared shitless boxes of chocolate I bought were pre- right now. If everyone thinks you’re sented by tamed lions. Yours sounds a repulsive loser now, when you’re nice though. Do you think mine was in your prime, imagine what they’ll good enough?” “You might even get paid if you think about you in a year’s time: ex- cook good, actly the same... Anyway, don’t worry The public love displayer Tell a model it ain’t enough to look about feeling bitter and having a way It will come in the form of someone good” too long term relationship with your saying “BEST VALENTINE’S GIFT hand, it’s not like Hangman is a fan of EVER!! WEEKEND IN PARIS!! LOVE Wow, you’re lucky “good” rhymes this holiday designed so people can YOU BABES xxxx”. Th e more likes, with “good”, or you would be be irritating and rub it in our faces the more public they get. If anyone in some serious trouble. Also, it how much they love each other. Th ey comments something like “Ohhh seems as if you’re going about this usually come in a variety of annoying sounds nice” you should immediately the wrong way. You’re hiring mod- twattiness, but here are some of the write “I’ve heard the sewers are fl ood- els (presumably) and then hop- classics: ing at the minute”. ing they are also good at cooking. Wouldn’t it be better to hire a chef The gesture topper: The we don’t celebrate Val- that you deem to be attractive? Th is person is insuff erable even if you That would be a much easier way are in a real, loving relationship too. entine’s Day couple of ensuring both criteria are met. You: “Yeah, we just stayed in and got Yeah sure you don’t. You just do nau- about being alone on this low off er of a cup of tea. Note that You could audition for them, then cards and I cooked dinner and it was seating gestures normally right? You day this is actually an “I’m making tea and you even get a free meal! You’d really nice.” always buy each other cards saying think it’s rude not to off er, but I can’t be like Abercrombie & Fitch, but Th em: “Huh? Yeah, that sounds al- Happy Valentine’s Day? Usually these Fuck off . You get no sympathy. Seems be bothered to make you one too so without the shit, generic clothes. right. I didn’t do too much.” people are also the same people who harsh? Th ere’s logic. You’re alone on please don’t say yes”. You: “What did you do?” say they “don’t want to do anything” every other day too: what makes this Got a photo of someone being a Th em: (Cue smug look) “Well, I se- and then squeal with delight at tacky one special? If you complained about Th ere you go. Th at’s all you’re getting waste of a student loan? cretly booked a table three months crap. being alone on every day, and it so for a “topical” feature. Enjoy Valen- Get permission, then just send it to ago at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurant happened your complaint coincided tine’s Day. And don’t be a tool. Th at’s us at: [email protected] and I got Beyoncé to personally sing, Single people that complain with Valentine’s Day, you get a token the end of the article. Yep, it really is. For lolz, cc in the Daily Mail well, mime, a love song. Th en 1000 “awwwww”. Th en you may get a hol- Go away now. the turnip Hangman’s Finest College News Source Imperial men pretend to know absolutely everything about American Football

A record number of Imperial males On the night itself, unprecedented ing “not great”, only to be slapped in have been found to have researched numbers of males were seen acting in the face. 84 PLAYERS!? WTF? American Football in the lead up to an oddly masculine way and shout- Th e length of the game also con- the recent Super Bowl, with the hope ing “touchdown” and “quarterback” fused some revellers. “I thought that of impressing attractive Americans in nonsensically, whenever they thought the thing was over like 2 hours before the Union and other bars. In a study they may have seen an American with it actually was”, said James Stiriper. by Th e Turnip, over 60% of single Im- a “thing for a British accent”. Imperial Many others had their stamina tested, perial males (99% of the Imperial male student, Rob Banking, told Th e Tur- in a way that their hand doesn’t usu- population) who are lonely and get- nip, “I gave it all I had. I’d even looked ally test, when they realised that for ting desperate (98% of the Imperial up funny anecdotes about the play- every one minute of actual stuff hap- male population) had read and memo- ers. Something like brothers playing pening about 10 minutes of replays, rised the entire Wikipedia entry. Re- I think. Unfortunately, it all fell apart adverts, people walking around on “try really hard to not look turned on “wouldn’t need all that padding”, and ports suggest that some students even when a joke about the 49ers really be- the pitch, and referees making stupid when the cheerleaders were on the that “rugby was defi nitely a tougher watched a couple of highlight reels ing called the 69ers went astray”. Th e hand gestures had to be endured. screen”. With the addition of alcohol, game”. Reports suggest that the men on YouTube to understand what they last straw seemed to come when Mr Th e usually placid straight males the students became more confi dent went home alone and obsessed over were going to see. Banking made a reference to guns be- were also reported to have had to and even started to insinuate that they every word they said that night. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 43

[email protected] HANGMAN

THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS

IMPERIAL MEN GO TO NEW EXTREMES MAN ADMITS TO FRIENDS THAT HE TO ATTRACT PARTNERS ON “MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY HAVING A GIRLFRIEND” Horoscopes – A replacement for companionship CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO Aries LEO

This week your saliva becomes This week you are craving This week your ears are This week your fl at becomes the This week you are super excited This week your bucket of tears too acidic. When you manage cheezburgerz SO BAD you swapped with your balls. This battleground for a rat civil war about Valentine’s Day and de- at your loneliness causes Silvio to pull a girl in Metric, your min- can’t think about anything else. redistribution of your erogenous so you become a refugee in the cide to prepare a special dessert Berlusconi to pop up as your gling mouth fl uids erode her But it’s 3am on Monday morn- zones is at fi rst disconcerting, Library. 11pm on Friday night, to mark the occasion: cupcakes love guru. He teaches you the lips but you’re both too drunk ing and everywhere is closed. especially when you have to you are cruelly cast from your with whipping cream, melted ways of seducation, and, within to notice until her whole face You kill, mince and fry a pigeon put your earphones down your asylum into the barren wilder- chocolate and strawberries. You no time, you fi nd yourself acci- has been dissolved. The only in desperation, smother it in pants to listen to your iPod, but ness of Queen’s Lawn. You try to set one place for yourself, one dentally being voted in as Prime screams you’ll be coaxing out knob cheese and wrap it in the you soon learn to appreciate it. shelter in the protective shadow for your lecture notes and one for Minister of Italy. There’s loads of her tonight are of terror at crumbs it was pecking. It’s not But, it’s now a lot harder to listen of Queen’s Tower but the stone your lab report in preparation for of work to do, but at least you lacking a face, not pleasure. on a par with GBK but it’ll do. to your brain over your penis. lions gobble you up. Pint? a wild, passionate threesome. know how to turn people on... CAPRICORN SAGITTARIUS AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

This week your hair is ripped This week you speed and This week the Mega Bus man This week you morph into 50 This week you get laid. Nah, This week you have to choose out by a Lizard King that has get your wife to accept the haunts your dreams and bru- Cent and start participating joking. You’re still a virgin. between spending Valentine’s taken over your halls and en- fi ne. Woop woop. No points, tally stabs you. You’re so dis- in dry bys. As you’re at Impe- Day sober and alone at a cou- slaved the freshers. You are no ban, oh yeah. What could orientated when you wake up rial, the only drive by oppor- ples’ massage class or sober now expected to suck it’s cock possibly go wrong with this that you swear this horoscope tunities are revision ones. You and alone in a romantic restau- at all opportunities. You didn’t plan. You email your old mate is in bold and is blue. But it’s merk someone with a mental VIRGIN rant. Either way, you’re going to even know Lizard King’s had Chris Huhne to tell him of the not. Is it? You’re still asleep maths problem. That’ll teach be sober and alone, miserably cocks. You tweet David At- scheme. You get an out of of- and the Mega Bus man is them for not helping you out Just thought it would be drowning in a sea of PDAs while tenborough with your question fi ce reply that says “Don’t ever fi nding new ways to torture on that last problem sheet easier for you to understand simultaneously electrocuted by but he doesn’t reply. Sigh. Oh leave your wife if she is part of you: with low value long haul you had. They resent you for if printed bigger. Some time sparks of others’ sexual antici- well. Pint? your evil plans”. coach trips. Scary. ever. though. Maybe. Pint? pation. What’s it going to be? 44 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY Puzzles Commanders: Sotirios Karamitsos, PUZZLES Louisa Byrne [email protected] Double Crossword with thanks to Paolo Giaccone A tricky bit of magic

The numbers in each row and column show you how many groups of black squares are in a row or column, as well as how many black squares each group consists of. Filling in the grid produces a pretty picture, which in turn produces points if you send it in.

QUICK CLUES 13. Act of being present (10) 25. Where to fi nd flower - rose? Not if 16. Free someone from blame (9) still here! (2, 3) Across 17. TV programme presented by Anne 26. Painting Den Pascal composed (9) 1. Academic institution (8,7) Robinson (8) 27. Should not as much nitrogen 2 4 6 078 54 4 9. Pointed part of weapon (9) 20. Playing against, in sport (6) captiured by Nazi guards mean lack of Ophis 10. Nincompoop (5) 22. Social prohibition (5) consideration? (15) 11. Opposing force in physics (8) 24. Excess (4) Fill the cells with a 6 12. Turned to liquid (6) Down continuous line (the 14. Type of sword (4) CRYPTIC CLUES 1. Rebel runs riot, incites chaos (15) “snake”) that does 6 15. Payment in full (10) 2. Popular vicar has father round before not pass through a 18. Type of verse (10) Across Easter (9) cell twice, doesn’t 4 19. District of London (4) 1. Eager police mill about where you 3. Equivalence of currencies with rupees intersect with itself, 21. Branch of physics (6) study (8,7) for pence is something very unusual (6) and passes through 23. Laziness (8) 9. Pierce has brains to be pioneer (9) 4. Film fi sh gathered in a hospital room, 4 all white boxes. The 25. Under the duvet (2, 3) 10. Dimwit stows Europe in even as wind instrument... (10) numbers show you 26. Make ornamental improvements places (5) 5. ...a medic set up gives fi nal piece of how many times 6 to a park (9) 11. Response to Rancine plays (8) music (4) the snake turns in 27. Insensitivity (15) 12. Girl and boy like cheese on toast? (6) 6. Knowing lots about the arts, allow the corresponding 4 14. First of elm planks enterprising little Edward to hug the Queen (8) row or column. The Down employee used for fencing (4) 7. First lady books gig (5) snake enters and 2 1. Person who revolts against a gov- 15. Colony let test confusion overwhelm 8. Quick nature trips around centre of exits the grid at the ernment (15) soldiers (10) Odessa take us in (15) shown points (and 2 2. Widespread (9) 18. FInally inspect sheep trapped in rock 13. TIme for news on prom turnout (10) only those points). 3. Scarceness (6) - it has four fet (10) 16. Old flame on drug charge let off (9) There’s a hint to get 4. Device for measuring wind speed (10) 19. Consequently prostitute may be 17. Monitor eye shadow (8) you started. 6 5. Extra section at the end of book (4) found here? (4) 20. Poetry we hear America is against (6) 6. Literate (8) 21. Operation Titanium gets Lewes 22. Thanks to catcall, it’s forbidden (5) 7. Something that happens (5) behind bars for fi xed amounts (6) 24. Stuff belly with lamb starter (4) 8. Promptness (15) 23. Eric by loch, doing nothing (8) Slitherlink Draw a single closed loop by Hashi Connect all the is- FUCWIT vertically and horizontally 3 3 2 1 3 lands with bridges so joining the dots so that the 1 2 1 3 32that you can get from League Table numbered squares are sur- 2 2 2 2 any island to any rounded by the correspond- other one. There are TEAMS ing number of lines, but no 2 0 2 22 1 restrictions, though: Requiem for a Bean 28 diagonals please. It has nev- the bridges have to Sexy Beasts 15 er happened, but you never 22 2 2 4 5 4 be either vertical or G.A.Y.S. 4 Last week’s crossword I ate all your bees 4 2 1 1 3 22220 3 1123horizonal and they $ must not intersect. 4 5 4 INDIVIDUALS " 221 2 3 2 6 You can have up to 33two bridges between Wael Aljeshi 22 3 11 Yufan Zhao 21 1 3 2 2 1 3 any two islands and, 3 4 3 3 last but not least, Helix 17 22 3 1 2 each island must M-Soup 15 2 22 2 Tan Wei Jie 4 have exactly as many 2 3 22 2 2 bridges stemming $ 1 puzzles. # " from it as the number Send your answers to ! [email protected] 3 2 2 3 3 2 2 3332on it. . FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 45

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter SPORT [email protected] Not drowning but waving? Football tackles Canterbury on less than ideal terrain, with mixed results...

Henry Garner Sports Writer up water. Robinson was lively up top, him) whetted by his fi rst, nearly scored were looking dangerous on the wings tain top spot in the league at the half making intelligent runs despite the his second by attempting to defl ect a with Tofi s and Maizonnier working way stage of the league and may yet abuse received from the Canterbury free-kick into his own goal, but Gar- hard and Nielsen joining in a num- prove to be vital point come the end A depleted ICUAFC 1s team made the staff and subs, many of whom had the ner managed to tip it onto the post. ber of attacks. A corner towards the of the season. long journey down to Canterbury for unique accolade of having IQs small- Dabbagh replaced Th omas midway end of the game evaded everyone and Garner was voted man of the match, the second time this season; a trek so er than their shoe size. Although the through the second period to provide somehow did not end up in the back increasing his lead at the top of Impe- long that Frodo and Sam would have conditions favoured Canterbury few a pair of fresh legs and clean knees. of the net, punishment for failure to rial’s very own Fantasy Football but called it quits once they had inevita- clear cut chances were created by ei- By this point the referee had become gamble at the back stick. Jones made a very promising debut bly run out of lembas bread. Amjad, ther team; that was until Canterbury relatively apocryphal, something that Th e full time whistle blew leav- and, despite the result, the team put Wedemeyer and Cherif Jnr were no- decided that what they really wanted he very quickly changed. A long ball ing Imperial with mixed emotions; 2 in one of the better performances of table absentees, and with Murphy was to let in a goal. A Canterbury goal played through to the Canterbury points dropped seemed more appro- the season. Th e journey back is ongo- (Imperial’s resident wildlife expert) kick was taken short to the defender striker produced no off side fl ag from priate than one point gained. Ulti- ing, and the team are expected back in the Library and captain Woodhead who, in a surprising turn of events, sub Th omas who, correctly, waited mately the draw was enough to main- shortly before the summer ball. out with a broken nail, the team had played a sumptuous through ball to until the opposition player touched it. a fresh new look to it. Th omas and Bjorkstrand. Bjorkstrand rounded the Th e striker fi nished it bottom corner Proud to be sponsored by Dabbagh were called up from the 2s keeper before placing the ball into the whilst the referee ignored the off side to make their fi rst appearances for bottom corner with his left foot. Th e fl ag, much to the frustration of the the 1s this season, whilst new recruit lack of celebration from Imperial was Imperial players. Th is display of ques- Jones was looking to impress. Impe- a textbook example of how the team tionable sportsmanship especially rial started the day top of the BUCS fully expected him to score. His strike upset Hill, who was irate and then league on 9 points from a possible 12, drew him level with goalkeeper Gar- calmed down and then became irate with Canterbury in joint 2nd, making ner for number of goals scored for IC- again, a cycle that repeated itself mul- at least a draw imperative. Minds wan- UAFC this season. tiple times (“much like a Polymerase dered back to 2 months before where Th e goal seemed to kick start Can- Chain Reaction” – Amjad). Th e sense a defensive masterclass allowed Impe- terbury who applied sustained pres- of injustice spurned on Imperial who rial to advance to the 3rd round of the sure for the next 10 minutes. With half BUCS cup on penalties, something time approaching, a Canterbury play- that Canterbury were sure to remem- er, recently nominated for the Fallon Read this and ber. D’Floor award, went down under the more online at Th e journey to Mordor, I mean mere presence of right back Th omas. Canterbury, took the best part of fi ve Th e referee, who up until this point felixonline. months, and upon arrival most players had been anonymous, decided this co.uk had forgotten the purpose of the jour- was the chance to kick start his act- ney. Having had their memories re- ing career and took centre stage by freshed, a warm up took place for the awarding a penalty. Th e penalty was purpose of getting accustomed to the dispatched, with Garner remaining interesting and dynamic terrain. Th e fi xated in the mud like some kind of pitch was composed of approximately hapless Medusa victim (or maybe like 18-22 February 15 parts water to one part grass which those trolls in the Hobbit when Gan- would serve to level the, ironically, dalf splits the rock and they get turned week-long celebration of the arts, music, dance – and uneven playing fi eld; a gale force wind to stone by sunlight; basically some- everything in between – that Imperial has to offer! added to the interesting conditions. thing like that). Th e fi rst half ended, With Murphy absent, much of the in- but not before Jones managed to ac- IC Symphony Orchestra teresting fl ora and fauna on the side robatically head a Canterbury corner Towering Band of the pitch went unnoticed, much to over his own bar from a yard out, even & Choir Open Rehearsal the disappointment of approximately managing to draw praise from some of 18 February, 12:00, Queens Lawn IC Big Band kick-off ArtsFest 2013 in spectacular style, performing 20 February, 19:00, GREAT HALL no one. Due to the aforementioned the opposition. on the Queens Tower Balcony! Come and see ICSO prepare for their spring concert, which takes changes in personnel, Hill was moved Half time gave Imperial a chance to place in Cadogan hall on the 2nd March. to centre back with Cherif Snr, with catch their breath. At this point a draw Dance Night A Very Vocal Evening Th omas given the nod at right back was widely considered a good score, and Nielsen completing the back row. given the conditions. It was widely 18 February, 20:00, metric 20 February, 20:00, UCH Imperial’s Dance societies perform a showcase of their best A Capella and Musical Theatre team up for an evening of Tim ‘Smithy’ Beasley was alongside agreed that the advantages of being at routines followed by a Ceilidh lead by Caledonian society and IC entertainment and a sneak peak at MTSoc’s upcoming production Jones in midfi eld with Maizonnier the other end second half would pro- String Ensemble! of “Parade”! and Tofi s on the fl anks. Robinson and vide an excellent opportunity to get a Bjorkstrand started up front together, win. Meet the Artists Imperial Fringe in what has recently been a partner- Th e eff ect of changing halves was 19 February, 20:00, Blyth GALLERY Your chance to meet the students from Photo and Leonardo fine The Arts Experiment ship more fruitful than the Garden of instantly noticeable and Imperial arts society who created this year’s Blyth Gallery exhibition! Eden. started to dominate. Not long after 21 February, 17:00, iMPERIAL main Entrance. Witness a unique experiment as Imperial’s groundbreaking Imperial lost the toss and thus were the restart, a cynical foul on Nielsen Cinema Film Quiz research collides with ArtsFest! designated to spend the fi rst half in allowed Hill the opportunity to fl oat Don’t forget 19 February, 20:45, UCH Fringe Afterparty the deep end of the pool (pitch); a a sumptuous ball through to Jones Following their showing of Sightseers, IC Cinema will host a Film combination of bogginess (akin to who marked his debut with a Jack to fi ll out the Quiz Night! 21 February, 20:00, Metric Join the Imperial Fringe participants and organisers in Metric as the Dead Marshes, North-West of Nicklaus-esque chip over the keeper; Drugs Survey visit our facebook page The Arts Experiment continues into the night! Mordor, minus the randomly strewn 2-1 Imperial. Imperial were as des- at: felixonline. dead war victims), a prominent head perate to get a third goal as Odysseus Imperial college artfest wind and Apollo’s mocking rays of was to once again reach his homeland co.uk/drugs light would make for a tricky fi rst 45 of Ithica after the battle of Troy but, Events subject to change. For current information on artsfest13 go to : minutes. From the off Imperial were ultimately, chances were few and far union.ic.ac.uk/arts/artsfest/2013 made to soak up pressure in precisely between. Bjorkstrand, with his taste the same way that the pitch didn’t soak of glory (which is in no way foreign to 46 FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, SPORT Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter [email protected] Men’s Water Polo handle their balls right

Alex Simpson Mens Captain be our hardest game of the league, himself drowned by 3 people. Th is Von G, Andrea and Daniele. Daryl top division before: a historic achieve- and it was a physical, scrappy game. worked wonders, save that of one or kept things under control in defence ment for both coach Adam and cap- Daniele played so well in fact he was two sending outs, and subsequently and we dread to think what these tain Alex. We will now probably face Th e men’s water polo team are mid- wrapped after the 2nd quarter; he only allowed Cambridge to score 2 score lines would be if it weren’t for Bristol and Bath, along with Oxford way through what has already been claims he just needed a rest. We were goals from outfi eld play. Th eir third our ninja goalie Jen Wei. again in the semis at the University of our most successful season to date. subject to some very suspicious ref- goal came from a penalty, foolishly Imperial have exceeded all expec- Bristol Pools on the weekend of the Th is year we found ourselves in the ereeing on Oxford’s part, who man- given away by Vincent. Th ankfully at tations this year in the top division 9th/10th March. If we’re successful top division after being promoted last aged to miss a very clear Imperial this stage it didn’t matter, as Imperial where we are normally relegated here it’ll be up to Leeds for the fi nals year, along with Warwick, Oxford and goal, and award an Oxford goal that were already 6-2 up with 1 minute back to division 2. Never have we got on the 23rd/24th March. Onwards Cambridge in what some would call very clearly hit the post. Going into to go, after strong off ence from Nick through to the semi-fi nals from the and upwards! the most intellectual sporting league the fi nal quarter with a minute left in the UK. and 9-10 down, timeout was called After our fi rst match however, we by coach Adam to discuss a play that certainly thought much less of War- could see us get equal. It worked to No horses were harmed in the making of this photo wick. Arriving one and a half hours perfection and brought the score to late for the match, some would be 10-10 with less than 40 seconds left. happy to call it a walkover, but the A strong Oxford attack followed and Imperial boys were keen to play and they were awarded a penalty for rea- we would not let some incompetent sons unknown. Of course the Oxford navigator put us off . Indeed it was to- number 4 smashed it into the back of tal annihilation. Due to lateness War- the net, bringing the fi nal score to a wick were neglected a warm up and disappointing 11-10 loss for Imperial. were forced to jump straight into the Special mention has to go out to Brad match. Th ey were sluggish in attack Sanders for scoring 6 of our 10 goals, and defence, and Imperial could work an almost impossible feat some would the ball easily around the arc and into say, but not for Brad. Not forgetting the pit. We were also superior on the Andreas too who drove the bus back: counters, with Andreas and Daniele far better than Jackson, but still with taking advantage of their less than three stalls. able defence and goalie. Final result Finally, our deciding match against 15-3 Imperial, the season ahead was Cambridge was played just this last looking promising. Sunday. Th is served as the decider for Up next was an away game at Ox- who went through to the semis, and it ford. We once again had to be sub- was either Cambridge or us. Th is was ject to Jackson’s stereotypical, awful to say the least, the most important Greek driving – “oh I forgot I had to match this season. We played a tight stop at red lights, it’s not like being game, with a drop defence to deal on my bike”. We made it to Oxford, in with their tricky centre forward who one piece, just. Th is we knew would whenever got passed the ball found ... and so do the women!

Adina de Wit Sports Writer After a successful Saturday everyone was excited (and yes, a little bit scared) about the Sunday matches On the morning of January 26th, against King’s and UCL. With the three Waterpolo girls teams arrived muscles still tired from the three at Imperial from Nottingham, Nor- battles of the day before we didn’t wich and Birmingham for a com- manage to get enough goals past the petitive weekend of games against King’s College goalie and the match three London-based teams. Our own resulted in a 4-3 loss. Four other captain Lil had organized for all the games separated us from our fi nal matches of our BUCS league to take match that was to determine whether place on January 26th and 27th at or not we would go through to the Ethos, and so we all had to get ready semifi nals. Th e spirits were lifted and for playing fi ve matches in two days. we started off energetically, but un- Th e Imperial ladies felt reasonably fortunately UCL were too strong for fi t and reasonably confi dent of their us and they beat us 5-3. ability – although we had quite a few Th is means that for us this year’s less substitutes than most of our op- BUCS ended after the weekend of the ponents (especially King’s, whose 26th and 27th. We played as well as team consisted of about 15 players Cap tip to the ladies we could and the results were better and 3 poolside supporters). than some of us had expected before- Imperial played their fi rst match hand, so that still makes this result a against University of East Anglia, success! which was fairly tight and ended in Th e King’s College ladies came in a 4-4 draw. After a 2-game rest Not- fi rst in our league, and therefore they tingham was easily defeated by 7-2. will be promoted to the fi rst division Th is great score made us all highly the match preceding our next game convinced us that the two teams were ly this tiny mistake didn’t set us back for next year. With UCL coming sec- enthusiastic. So enthusiastic in fact was still going on. Of course this was playing the fourth quarter of their too much, as we won from Aston 4-3 ond, these two teams will be compet- that we all jumped into the pool while all our coach Adam’s fault, who had match instead of the third. Fortunate- in a fairly tight match. ing in the semifi nals. FRIDAY 08 FEBRUARY 47

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter SPORT [email protected] High hopes for Handball at Champs

Red Elmadi Sports Writer cation held the promise of inspiring victories for the Eagles. Th e fi rst day’s play showed a more Last weekend saw the eagerly antici- than promising start to the tourna- pated UK universities Handball tour- ment for Imperial Men’s I, with a vic- nament of the year – the Association tory against every team played, put- of British University Handball Clubs ting them at the top of their group (ABUHC) University Championships and easily helping them to qualify for 2013. After winning 3rd place in the a place in the quarter-fi nals. Sadly, the 2012 tournament and a dedicated Imperial Men’s II and Women’s did start to year for the Imperial Eagles not fair quite so well in the competi- handball club, with weeks of intense tion. Due to a lack of players the Men’s recruiting and months of training, II had to forfeit the entire second day this tournament was due to show us of play and despite a surprising vic- just how we compare to the rest of tory against Bedford whilst one player MOAR medals MOAR the UK’s university enthusiasts in this down, Imperial Women did not quali- popular European sport. fy for a place in the Women’s quarter- Th e tournament promised to be fi nals. the biggest UK tournament so far Th e height of excitement for the Im- with over 600 players from universi- perial Eagles Handball Club was seen perial illustrated exactly what kind side in the group stages. At the peak at this stage a level of calm was rein- ties across the UK entering 60 teams in the second day of play during the of side they can be and breezed into of frustrations during this disappoint- stated with a serious team pep-talk to compete for the much coveted 1st Imperial Men’s quarter-fi nal match their semi-fi nal match against Oxford. ing match, when the 4th of 4 penalties which provided the side with the fo- place trophy. Imperial entered three against sports university side Lough- Towards the end of the second day had been missed by one of our shoot- cus required to defeat the “Norwegian teams ,including a womens’ side, and borough. With a relentless assault of of play however, with energy and con- ers, the Men’s I goal keeper was over- Army” AECC and take third place with this year’s tournament being goals by star shooter Lucas Carstens, centration levels running low the side heard to say that if he’d started shoot- in the overall running. Watch this held in the Mayesbrook Park training a solid defence most notably held up fi nally began to come undone and lost ing they may have more of a chance at space for results of Imperial Eagles’ courts in East London where handball by club president Yannick Seis and an their semi-fi nal match, a painful turn scoring, a comment followed up with performance in up-coming Engineer- athletes from across the world trained exceptional level of precision, speed of events made even more frustrat- a fl urry of colourful language from all ing Schools and European University for last year’s Olympics, even the lo- and execution of team strategy, Im- ing by a win against this very same players. Despite tempers running high Tournaments in March and April! ICURFC 3rd XV win uphill against St Georges

Lukas Michalitsch 3rd Team Captain made it almost impossible to get the one man down fur a crucial phase of ball wide. At least Jean Casademont, the game. A phase in which Imperial inside-centre and Frenchman, claims probably wanted to push for a try in- ICURFC 3rd XV going uphill against that this was the reason rather than stead of taking the penalty kick to try St. George’s the fading trust in his nation’s skills. and go 10-0 up... Especially as they After a chequered fi rst term for Im- 25 min in the good work by the missed the kick. Although there were perial College 3rd XV and a great per- forwards pushing hard against the only ten minutes left on the clock St. formance resulting in a disappointing opposition led to what IC thought George’s spirit was not broken and draw against King’s Medics three was their fi rst try. Unfortunately the they managed to turn the ball over weeks ago the social side of ICURFC referee, being a bit too slow to fol- inside their fi ve meter zone and bring wanted to show what they are capable low Will Griffi ths quick touch down, it close to Imperial’s try-line within of and bring home the fi rst win this didn’t award it and left the team a few minutes. A few unlucky plays term. A promising squad featuring disappointed. Th is unrighteousness including scrumhalf Luke Armitage fi ve new 3rd team players made their only made IC work harder and fi ve showing his skills, kicking the ball way to Wimbledon RFC this Wednes- minutes later fl yhalf Alex Leonard backwards (instead of taking it into day to face the challenge against St. twisted himself through St. George’s contact himself as usual) eventually George’s 2nd XV were a pitch that defence like a ballet dancer complet- resulted in a scrum for St. George’s could have been used as a skiing piste ing a full pirouette before putting the three meters away from the try-zone. over the last weeks rather than for a ball on the ground. He did not show With only one actual front row player game of rugby welcomed them. the same elegance but his skills on left Imperial was pushed over the line Knowing the importance of the the conversion, managing to put IC and the try in the 76 minute was inev- game new coach James Hayward 0-7 ahead after slipping on the kick. If you ain’t dirty, you ain’t here to party itable. Fortunately, those fi ve points led the team through a professional With the confi dence gained the ball from the try were all they scored that warm-up integrating the new play- even made it out to the wing, some- Wednesday as the kick did not even ers and preparing them for a physical thing rarely seen at 3rd XV perfor- as they were playing uphill now. Th e easy to spot and the backs stopped get close to the posts. Imperial man- game. Th e team seemed to be in good mances, where Will Cathery showed fi rst 20 minutes of the second half him before he could get anywhere aged to keep the ball for the last few shape and was switched on from the good runs and chips in his rugby un- were even with Imperial gaining ter- close to the touch line. minutes of the game and celebrated a start raising hopes for the game. ion debut for Imperial College. Alas, ritory but losing the ball in scrums With 15 minutes to go Imperial hard-fought 5-7 win. Alex Leonard kicked off and Im- the fi rst half ended with prop, Alex- and lineouts. Especially after Hugh were the team in much better shape. Considering the 0-24 loss in Har- perial chased downhill making ander Karvelas, coming off injured MacKinnon had to come off and Rob Searle and Tim Harrington mak- lington in the fi rst leg this is an ex- the fi rst big tackles that would be and Edoardo Cavallazi, interim cap- Imperial was left with a fl anker and ing good runs on their debut, forcing cellent result for Imperial College needed throughout the game. From tain and learned fl anker stepping up number 8 instead of two props St. the opposition to give away penalty 3rd XV and with two games against the start the 3rd XV were dominat- to fi ll the gap. George’s could have been dangerous. after penalty bringing the 3s close to similar opponents left this could be ing the game hardly playing in their Imperial came back onto the pitch Luckily the team managed to keep up the try line once again. Continuous the start of a winning streak. Espe- own half, pushing for the opposing highly motivated, knowing that they the intensity and their centre did not off enses by St. George’s forwards re- cially the win of St. George’s against try line. However, St. George’s de- would have to keep up the hard work seem too keen to actually pass the sulted in a well-deserved yellow card the Imperial Medics 3rd XV last week fence was tight and the conditions to control their opposition especially ball. His bright ginger hair made him for their fl anker leaving them with leaves ICURFC confi dent for varsity. 08/02/13 Issue 1539 felixonline.co.uk @SportFelix

SPORT “Keep the Cat Free” Mud, mud, glorious mud!

Sophie Kirk Sports Writers Imperial College man home (with club members Reuben Bogg (98th), Eoghan J Totten four to score), produced a solid run in James ‘Captain’ Ellis (102nd), Ben 168th place. First year Chris Th omas Toomer (127th) and Milan Misak tak- Mmm...muscle, mud and man. The had an interesting race after being ill ing the lead for the club, all 24 of the perfect combination 1000 runners, miles of mud and one the previous week it appears he took 3 team fi nished. epic after party can only mean one hours to complete the course but who Liam ‘Car park attendant’ Smith and thing, BUCS Cross Country 2013! really knows what happened here? Jean Claude Besse were the fi rst fresh- Th is year saw the biggest team ever We look forward to seeing him pro- men to fi nish, special congratulations (44!) from Imperial travel to Leeds gress in future years. Th e team result to Jean Claude who had never seen so for what is the highlight of the Cross was a tremendous achievement (top- much mud during his triathlon career Country calendar. Imperial College ping Oxford) given four of the top fi ve so far! Completing the second team achieved their strongest team fi nish team positions were occupied by Uni- was Matt Douthwaite who made an in the British University Cross Coun- versities receiving signifi cant funding incredible recovery from a squash try Championships in recent memory for sport. Th e top three (St. Mary’s ‘injury’ fi nishing just behind Chris with the Men’s A Team producing an London, Birmingham & Loughbor- ‘Zoolander’ Charles. Many of the B incredible 6th place fi nish in the long ough) receive funding from London team were fi rst timers so to see them 10km race at Bodington Hall Playing Marathon and UK Athletics and are all complete the course in respect- Fields, Leeds University. established endurance running insti- able times was a great feat. Despite Eoghan J Totten (34:41) led the team tutions. For Imperial College to be in the mud and cold smiles were evident home with a 20th place fi nish over tow shows that it is possible to balance all round particularly from Adrian the 10km course, just over a minute sporting and academic prowess. ‘Too Keen’ Grutter who wore a grin short of a medal (Stephen Scullion, St. Next up was the Women’s race on throughout so it can’t have been that Mary’s London, 33:32). He was strong- what was now a tumultuous, freshly- bad. ly supported by a headstrong team churned course. Melissa Newton- Following the race, there was much who battled ferociously through the Mora led the Imperial College team celebration not only for the 6th posi- mud-laden course to produce fi nishes home in 169th position with Sophie tion but also celebrating the clubs suc- all within the top fi fty. Th e American, Kirk in 190th position and Kimberley cesses thus far. Th is has been one of Clinton ‘Abs’ Cahall produced a mas- ‘very possible’ Mason in 214th place. the best years in the clubs history with sive 36th place fi nish (35:23). Clinton All credit must go to Sophie for or- 100 members and participation go- had to realign his concept of cross ganising transport, accommodation ing through the roof. Anticipation for country to one more attuned to the (in the swish Jurys Inn!) and general the infamous after party was high at English weather, coping exceptionally co-ordination. However, the greatest Captains’ drinks, and with the fresh- with the treacherous underfoot condi- achievement was the size of the Wom- ers’ challenges completed it was time tions and fi nishing strongly. Christo- en’s team from Imperial College; with for curry! At Leeds University Union pher Bannon successfully transferred all 12 completing the gruelling course we joined hundreds of other runners his prowess on the track to the mud making this double previous years! for a celebration complete with foam. bath, producing a 47th place fi n- Th ere were a signifi cant number of Armed with our bandannas we took ish (35:41) with Faron Hesse giving competitors from the Cross Country to the fl oor pulling moves that haven’t chase in 49th (35:43), moving strongly club in the Men’s B race. Th e aff ec- been seen since last year. We certainly through the fi eld in the closing lap. tionately named ’Banter’ B race saw left our mark at Leeds Union, I would Sam O’Neill competing in his 6th and over 400 runners take on the now shin say more but what happens in Leeds fi nal BUCS competition, was the 5th high mud slog, and with experienced stays in Leeds (or at least on Face- book). After 6 hours of partying it was time to head back and get what sleep we could for the long journey back Today’s Cross Country stars were yesterday’s kiss chase Kings and Queens down south. First year Isabel Holding summed up her experiences of the weekend: “As a fresher it was a daunting thought to sign up for the XC weekend trip to Leeds. I was prepared to endure the physical challenge of running 6.5km, as well as the freshman humiliation, which was probably my greater worry. Looking back this presentiment seems baseless and I am grateful that the worst of it involved picking an Photobombing seminars item of fruit or veg, giving it a face and are given at lunchtime carrying it around with us for the en- in the Sherfield building tirety of the weekend; ensuring a dap- more mud, (plus some running as no doubt the fun shall continue. Hyde per look at all times. well). Overall, brilliant weekend!! Park Relays is the place to be this Sat- Other than this, my experiences at Th ank you to the whole team for urday, whether you are running, or- BUCS involved: meeting people, mud, making the weekend so enjoyable, and ganising or supporting, so come on curry, more mud, foam, and even with Hyde Park Relays this weekend down!