Torat Imecha: Women’s Weekly

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Parshat Vayishlach: The Dual Meaning of the Ox and the Donkey

Based on a Naaleh.com shiur on Chassidut by Herschel Reichman

As Yaakov nears the land of , he sends as messengers to his brother Esav. The Shem MiShmuel finds several aspects about this incident puzzling. Why did Yaakov tell Esav, “I had an ox and a donkey in the house of Lavan?” Additionally, since he was met by the angels of Israel while the angels of Chutz L’aaretz were still with him, he selected angels from both groups to go to Esav. Why did he need both types of angels and what was the difference between them?

The Shem MiShmuel explains that there are seven inhabited continents that comprise the world. The is at the center with three continents on each side. , similarly, is the focal point of the week. We prepare for Shabbat during the three days that precede it, and we bask in the glow of the previous Shabbat for the three days that follow.

The Gemara says there are weekday angels and Shabbat angels. The Shabbat angels correspond to Eretz Yisrael, and the weekday angels relate to the other six continents.

The on Breishit discusses a disagreement about the day on which G-d created angels. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that they were created on the second day, while Rabbi Chanina states that they were created on the fifth day. The Shem Mishmuel suggests that both opinions are correct. An ’s mission is to be a conduit between the spiritual world of Hashem and the physical realm of man. An angel is supposed to connect Hashem’s infinite being with our finite world. Hashem sends his spirituality down to us. We elevate our physical world, delivering it back to Him. The angels participate in this process.

The angels who were created on the second day were very close to Hashem. The physical world was just beginning to take shape. These weekday angels were charged with the mission of transporting spirituality to the physical world. On the fifth day, Hashem created the Shabbat angels who would serve man, who would be created the following day.

Man’s purpose is to activate the spiritual dimension found within the physical world, and return it to Hashem. During the week we benefit from the spiritual power brought down by the weekday angels. On Shabbat, we take all the physical struggles of the week, and with the assistance of the Shabbat angels, create a holy gift for Hashem.

This movement from spiritual to physical also applies to our world. In the six continents, the weekday angels work to bring the life giving force from the higher spheres to the lower world. In the land of Israel, where there is a yearning to connect to Hashem, the Shabbat angels help transform the physical back into spiritual.

This pattern is also found with tzaddikim. One kind of tzaddik excels in serving Hashem through prayer and kind deeds. He elevates his physical existence to spirituality. There is another kind of tzaddik who is outstanding in Torah learning. He uncovers Hashem’s manifestation of spirituality as found in the Torah, and internalizes it within his physical form.

This is what Yaakov meant when he told Esav that he had an ox and a donkey. The ox symbolizes Yosef Hatzadik, who elevated physical to spiritual. The donkey refers to Yissachar, who excelled in Torah.

There are also two types of evil. The ox corresponds to the evil person who will destroy anyone blocking his path to power. This is psychological energy, derived from the ego, flowing from above downwards. The donkey represents immorality and unbridled pleasure. This is physical energy moving up.

The Eved Hashem fights the evil of power. The Torah scholar battles the evil of immorality. Esav, whose fundamental evil was tyranny, joined hands with Yishmael, who signified physical pleasure. Therefore, Yaakov sent him a message, “I had an ox and a donkey.” In a sense he was saying, “I have Yosef and Yissachar,” who can counteract your dual evil.

Yosef and Yissachar are typical of throughout the ages. As we read the parsha describing the encounter of Yaakov and Esav we can discern what our purpose is – to bring heaven to earth and earth to heaven. May we merit to succeed in our mission.

Bringing Torah to Life: Teaching Children the Value of Kibud Av V’aim Part II

Based on a Naaleh.com Chinuch class by Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller

We have been discussing how to help develop kibud av v’aim in children, and we finished talking about early childhood. Children from age six to ten begin to develop more understanding and contact with the outside world. You can begin teaching them the basic halachot of kibud av, such as not sitting in a parent’s place or calling them by their first name. At some point, it’s good for kids to learn about kibud av from a sefer. At the Shabbat table, when you get up to the relevant parsha in , have them read the halachot inside. It’s important for them to see that this is an actual mitzva in the Torah. The more you tell them, “This is how Hashem wants it, he is our father,” the more they won’t feel belittled by honoring you. Teach your children to derive pleasure from doing small acts for their parents and put it in the framework of a mitzva. Tell them stories about kibud av, especially incidents in which the hero honored his parent because it was a mitzva. They should hear about the Tana whose insane mother yelled at him in front of his disciples and who nevertheless showed her great respect. Teach them about Rabbe Tarfon who made himself into a stepstool so his mother could climb into bed. These stories are crucial for them to hear, but make sure it never comes across in a self serving way.

Children at this age learn by example. Always maintain proper respect between you and your husband. If you have differences of opinion, which you probably will, the time to iron it out is not in front of the children, but later behind closed doors. When you show the children that you don’t respect your spouse’s authority, they’ll follow your lead. You need to back up your spouse in front of the kids and discuss all issues later. Being grateful towards your spouse teaches kids to be grateful to you. The prevalent culture expects parents to help children and not vice versa. It is critical that you show your own parents proper respect, especially in front of your children. When they come to visit, greet them, give them a place to sit, and serve them. Your mother is not your unpaid maid. If she wants to take the burden off you, show her gratitude, but you certainly should not make any demands. Your in-laws also deserve the same treatment.

Teach children how to verbalize their opinions and feelings in a respectful way. If your child yells that she won’t do the dishes because she’d rather be outside with her friends, tell her calmly, “You don’t scream at Mommy. Tell me what you want nicely, ask a question, and we’ll work it out for both of us.” Listen to her and then decide how to deal with it. But make sure the authority stays in your hands. If a child speaks disrespectfully, point it out and tell her that you will not respond to her request until it is rephrased correctly. It is important to truly listen to your children emotionally. Don’t push them beyond their limitations. Weigh each crisis individually and make the effort to accommodate their needs.

I don’t believe children at this age should get an allowance. They haven’t earned it and you can’t supervise how they’ll spend it. Worse still is paying kids for doing household chores. A child should not get paid for fulfilling their responsibility. They need to learn about the idea of giving freely as opposed to giving with expectations. Children should know that giving is part of maintaining a harmonious home. Give rewards from time to time after the good deed, not before. The difference between a bribe and a reward is that a bribe is conditional while a reward is a consequence of a good choice. When they do have spending money, teach children to give tzedaka.

Children from age ten to thirteen are maturing rapidly. You need to move the relationship from imitation to discipleship and friendship. This is achieved by showing the child how much you value their opinion and by sharing beliefs and ideas with them. Inviting a discussion with your child shows him that you think he is important. Recognize that they have their own unique value and that they are not just an extension of you. Rebellion is the consequence of feeling that one can’t have a self. Build a relationship with your child. Nurture bonds of love. The more time you give them, the more affection and intimacy will develop, and the more they will have to lose by disobeying.

Show your child that you value him but expect him to still treat you as a parent. Listen to him and be empathetic. When something about his behavior bothers you, explain it in a nice way and place in his hands some of the authority to correct it. If he respects you enough, he will not want to disappoint you.

At this age, jealousy, lust, and honor are big forces in a child’s life and he will need you to teach him skills on how to handle them before temptation overpowers him. Children may become envious and demand possessions that you don’t think they need. Talk to them about independence and individuality and being happy with what Hashem gives us. If you do a good at getting the point across with examples and stories, your children will feel less pressured to conform. If you see that they cannot stand up to the test, try not to force them into conflict. Sometimes you might just have to give in. If you really can’t, try to understand them and use your authority to put limitations on how far their resentment takes them.

Kids this age are baalei taava – lustful. Girls should be taught the laws of tzniut and boys should be trained in shemirat einayim. For girls, taavah expresses itself many times in the desire for admiration. Lay down the right foundation by teaching them the joy of discipline. Self esteem comes from self discipline. Stretching yourself beyond your limitations gives you a feeling of satisfaction. Train them to take pride in overcoming base desires. Teach them yirat shamayim by your own example. Listen to them, be willing to extend yourself if possible, and then exert your authority.

Kavod, honor, is much harder to deal with. Children have an insatiable need for acknowledgement and appreciation. If they feel slighted it will be hard for them to control themselves and they may react by saying and doing things they shouldn’t. The Netivot Shalom writes that insulting a child is like pouring oil on a fire. Criticizing and devaluation destroys their self esteem. Always express acknowledgement, validation, and appreciation. If they feel they are being mistreated, listen to them, restate their complaint, acknowledge that you think differently, state the thing they did, and assert your authority. Children who are hypersensitive will interpret any disapproval as complete rejection. Build your ability to acknowledge your child’s inherent goodness. Help them develop a sense of security, value, and trustworthiness. Then you can credibly say, “A girl like you, who I acknowledge and believe in, shouldn’t be doing something like this.”

In summation, in early childhood take advantage of your children’s desire to follow and teach them the basics of kibud av. They should learn to respect and listen to you. In return you should listen to them and make fair decisions with their interests in mind. In mid childhood, be an example for your child in how you treat your spouse and your own parents. Cultivate a relationship of discipleship and friendship in the late childhood and early teen years. Be an empathetic listener but remain authoritative. Get your decision across in a way that the child feels he’s been acknowledged and that it is not your ego speaking, but the Torah. We’ve only touched on this topic which is so broad and complex. Applying these basic principles will get you off to a good start on the challenging road of chinuch.

Rebbetzin’s Perspective II Part 3:

Excerpted from Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller’s Question and Answer series on Naaleh.com

Question:

What is the difference between rain in Israel and rain outside the land of Israel in terms of hashgacha pratis? Is rain dependent on our actions and prayers? When rain falls can it be taken as a sign that we are repenting? When rain is held back are we meant to understand the opposite?

Answer:

First we need to understand what hashgacha pratis means. People mistakenly think that Hashem is either entirely involved or completely not there. In truth, there is hashgacha pratis and hashgacha klalit – general and individualized providence. Hashem created the cat species for a reason. Yet there is no such thing as a righteous cat. Hashem will not challenge them with suffering because they do not make moral choices. Humans are the only ones to whom Hashem responds directly and individually. There is a rule that the more open a person is to Hashem, the more open Hashem’s response will be to him. It’s as though they are reflecting each other. Therefore, the more righteous a Jew is, the closer he’ll be to Hashem’s presence.

The land of Israel is under the hashgachic microscope. Hashem’s vision is bound to the land eternally. Just being there, puts you on a different plane. There is a degree of hashgacha outside the land of Israel as well, in the lands of the nations, but it is not necessarily tied down to anything you can see. That is why the verse in Hallel says, “Ram al kol goyim Hashem… Hashem is exalted above the nations and His glory is in heaven.” The non-Jews see Hashem as glorious. However, they don’t see Him as involved in situations of human life, because for them Hashem is less involved.

You can clearly see Hashem’s hashgacha with rain. We say this everyday in the second paragraph of Shema. Rain is the source of life that Hashem uses as an instrument in the hashgacha story. Surely, if you are in Israel during a drought season, you should pray and do teshuva. In the Land of Israel, rain, or lack of it, is a clear message from Hashem in response to our behavior.

Yes, there is unique hashgacha in Israel, especially as it pertains to rain. The closer you are to Hashem, the more clearly you’ll discern it.