GROWING UP TAKATĀPUI: Whānau Journeys By Elizabeth Kerekere Mihi Growing Up Takatāpui: Whānau Journeys was written by takatāpui leader Dr Elizabeth Kerekere (Founder/Chair, Tīwhanawhana Trust) in collaboration with takatāpui rangatahi He mana motuhake leaders Toni Duder (Communications and Operations Manager, Heke iho mai i ngā tūpuna RainbowYOUTH) and Morgan Butler (Support Manager, Heke iho i ngā kaumātua RainbowYOUTH). Heke iho i ngā pākeke RainbowYOUTH (1989) is a charitable organisation dedicated to Heke iho i ngā rangatahi helping young queer and gender diverse people up to the ages Tae noa mai ki ngā mokopuna of 27, as well as their wider communities. He koha tēnei hei awhi i a tātou Tīwhanawhana Trust (2001) was created for takatāpui to “tell our stories, build our communities and leave a legacy” by uplifting our whānau and Rainbow communities. Takatāpui is a traditional Māori term meaning ‘intimate companion of the same sex.’ It has been reclaimed to embrace all Māori who identify with diverse sexes, genders and sexualities such as whakawāhine (trans women), tangata ira Morgan Butler (L) tāne (trans men), lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex , Ngāti Tūwharetoa and queer. These are often grouped under the term ‘Rainbow communities’. Toni Duder (C) Ngāpuhi Being takatāpui is about whakapapa (descent from ancestors with sexual and gender fluidity); mana (authority and power to Elizabeth Kerekere (R) Ngāti Oneone, Te Aitanga be who we are); identity (claiming all of who we are – culture, a Mahaki, Whānau a Kai gender, sexuality and ability); and inclusion (unity across all , sexes, genders and sexualities). Ngāi Tāmanuhiri

This resource is the second in a series created to provide support and information for takatāpui rangatahi (youth) and whānau (family) who are struggling to talk to each Ngā mihi aroha to all those who contributed to this resource other. We suggest reading this in conjunction with the especially takatāpui artist Paerau Corneal for the use of her print and film resource: Takatāpui: Part of the Whānau, artwork Hinemoa Hinemoa (2011) and our funders: Te Ara the first in the series. Whiriwhiri, It’s Not OK and Te Puni Kōkiri.

2 3 Introducing the Takatāpui Rangatahi

Leaders, Activists and Supporters who contributed to this project:

Cameron Kapua-Morrell Ngāti Porou

Mere-Ana Nicholson (L) Tainui, Ngāti Tūwharetoa, Te Rarawa

Morgan Butler (R) Tainui, Ngāti Tūwharetoa, Te Rarawa

Kassie Hartendorp Ngāti Raukawa ki Te Tonga

Emilie Rākete Ngāpuhi

Nathaniel Gordon-Stables Ariki Brightwell Ngāti Kuri Ngāti Porou, Tahitian

4 5 Introducing the Whānau Mums, Dads, Nans, Aunties, Sisters and Cousins who contributed to this project:

Emilie and Dad Robert Rākete Cousins Morgan and Mere-Ana with Aunty Ellen Tupaea Ngāpuhi (top left) and Grandmother Nina Turanga (bottom right) Ngāti Tūwharetoa, Tainui and Te Rarawa

Ariki with Dad Matahi Brightwell Ngāti Tūwharetoa and Mum Raipoia Brightwell Tahitian

Morgan and Mum Kellie Butler Ngāti Tūwharetoa, Tainui and Te Rarawa

Nathaniel and Mum Angelique Gordon-Stables Ngāti Kuri

Cameron with (L - R) Dad Frank Kapua, Mum Natasha Morrell, Grandmother Nan Kapua, Cousin Molly Heremaia and Sister Monique Kapua-Morrell Ngāti Porou 6 7 Whakapapa: Where Did We Come From? Accepting Takatāpui: Our tūpuna who had fluid genders or sexuality were accepted within their whānau long before Pākehā (Europeans) came to . We know this from mōteatea, waiata, karakia and whakairo (traditional chants, songs, incantations and carvings). The term takatāpui is hundreds of years old and has been connected to iwi in Te and the Wairarapa. Some iwi had no Taonga Tuku Iho are the treasures passed down from our tūpuna particular terms – takatāpui were just part of the whānau. (ancestors) – from traditional Māori society. From them we inherited te reo, tikanga and whenua (language, culture and land).

Whānau: The extended whānau is the basic building block of “Our people weren’t Māori culture. It connects us “I’m proud of my constricted in boxes. We to our hapū (sub-tribe), iwi cultural heritage and didn’t have forms. We didn’t (tribe), marae, whenua (land), my language and have signed contracts. wairua (spirituality) and tūpuna everything about being We spoke the word. Our (ancestors). It is at the core of Māori... I just love that stories are passed down our identity as Māori. Whānau we have that connection through waiata and karakia” survival is ensured through to Papatūānuku and – Ellen (Aunty) the care of children and young Ranginui. It’s just people. This is why the word for amazing” – Cameron child is ‘tamariki’ which stems from ‘tama+ariki’ meaning ‘little Balance Between Genders: chief.’ Pre-colonisation, many parts of Māori culture were gendered, “It’s important to not just but the roles of both women call yourself takatāpui. and men were valued as To be takatāpui is “Always remember that essential for survival. The work to understand that your tamariki are the most and leadership of women sat queerness is not just a important thing in the world. alongside and equal to that of Pākehā thing” – Emilie Never forget that, no matter men. Sexual and gender fluidity what” – Raipoia (Mum) were accepted as long as the work got done.

8 9 Colonisation: A Never Ending Story

Losing Voices: The colonisation of Aotearoa in the 1800s by the British had a huge impact on Māori culture and society. Colonial settler society made corporal punishment and child abuse commonplace. Becoming Illegal: As British laws “The ideal to me is that each and society became the dominant whānau, hapū or iwi grouping Children and young people were to be “seen and not heard” so culture of Aotearoa, it became have their own stories about they began to lose their voice within the whānau. Their mothers immoral to be anything other takatāpuitanga [takatāpui way were also losing their voices as Māori women were forced to submit than heterosexual, cisgendered of life]. Actually ingrained from to the British ideal of women in the Victorian era. Ideas of gender or monogamous. For almost a very young age that there is a became constricted with so-called subservient Māori women and a century it was illegal to be narrative and a story around what warrior Māori men. ‘homosexual’. it means if you are a different sexuality or gender [identity] to The beliefs, customs and laws that the norm that is around you” “There were no role models the British brought to Aotearoa – Kassie [for me]. It was silence and became vehicles to discriminate nothingness like there was against takatāpui. Today, this has manifested as homophobia (against no possibility aside from same-sex attracted people), transphobia (against people who are heterosexuality and being transgender, transitioning or gender fluid) and biphobia (against cisgender [identify with the people who are bisexual or pansexual). gender assigned at birth]” – Kassie

“Of course, there were gay Becoming Invisible: Missionaries and people back in the day. If puritans worked hard to suppress it was possible for us then, any expression of sexuality or gender “We never really grew it should be possible for fluidity. Takatāpui behaviour was up hearing the term us to accept it more now” hidden and takatāpui stories were [takatāpui]” – Nan Kapua – Cameron erased, deliberately not translated (Nan) or recorded. Because of this, these stories became forgotten over time.

10 11 “All of the cultural messages of trans women are real bad so it’s difficult to learn anything good about trans women or the idea Forgetting The Past: While the that you can be a trans woman whānau may still be a strong way and not just be a weird joke” of connecting to Māori culture, “I think the Māori prejudice – Emilie that culture may no longer accept against this kind of behaviour takatāpui behaviour. For whānau [being takatāpui] comes from today who live without traditional that they see it as unnatural. Māori views and acceptance of We’re forgetting to see it For Takatāpui Today: The negative “Not feeling Māori enough gender and sexual fluidity, views as a natural phenomenon” impact of colonisation continues because of whatever reason, about takatāpui in the whānau can – Matahi (Dad) – especially for tamariki and it’s actually a tool of the take on the worst of colonial and rangatahi. Discrimination against coloniser for me to feel that Western culture: shame, silence their gender identity or sexuality way and to think that way. and religious persecution. starts early, both within the And it benefits the coloniser” whānau and outside, where they – Kassie live, learn, work and socialise. “My cousin was beaten, belted. He was always cooking, cleaning. The Price of Forgetting: Instead of receiving the strength of I remember my older cousin whānau support, takatāpui rangatahi can be isolated or made saying, “get outside and clean invisible. They can be the butt of jokes or even kicked out the hangi pit”. Yet they didn’t of home. This can lead to drug and alcohol addictions, mind eating his beautiful kai. unwanted pregnancies, depression, self-harm and suicide. He could only hold his own Disconnection from whānau often leads to disconnection from Māori for so long. Sadly, my cousin culture and therefore from Māori and takatāpui identity. died in his thirties. And I truly believe it was through… dying “I know people that have taken the same path as me, but their inside. He was not nourished families have rejected them. And over the course of time, I’ve and he was not nurtured” seen the decay of their mental state and their body” – Ariki – Ellen (Aunty)

12 13 Journey to Supportive Whānau: Listening to the Silence

On One Side: Often communication begins with what is unsaid. Whānau On The Other Side: Takatāpui rangatahi may feel anxious, confused and may have noticed changes in their takatāpui rangatahi but they feel reluctant to disclose how they are feeling to their whānau. They also do disconnected and do not know what to do about it. not know what to do about it.

“As a parent, you notice when “It’d be in those driving moments your child is not fully there. You where Mum’d be like, ‘So… how’s learn to listen and you hear everything going? Everything’s “One thing that really frustrated me more what is not said. This huge good?’ I’m like, ‘yeah nah, it’s all was I remember my mum saying “I was saying to Matahi, ‘there’s burden he had on his shoulders. good. Everything’s sweet’. And to me when I did come out to her, something not quite right’. I could I didn’t want him to fall into so to answer those questions, ‘I always knew you were gay’. And sense the interaction was more darkness… depression... suicide” I found quite hard. Because… I I looked at her and I said, ‘well short, angry and I said, ‘what’s – Angelique (Mum) didn’t know myself” – Nathaniel why didn’t you tell me? Why are wrong with you?’ ‘I’m fine’. So I you making me go through this?’” knew something was brewing” – Mere-Ana – Raipoia (Mum) “It was really destroying me from the “There was this cloud that followed inside. I was self-harming quite a lot her, and Mum and I just wanted and my friends were noticing that to make that cloud go away… We something was up and I couldn’t knew something was happening just do it totally on my own” – Kassie and we were worried because you love your babies and you don’t want them to be unhappy. You just “It was a horrifying journey. I didn’t want to fix it. But we didn’t know know what I was doing but I thought what it was” – Robert (Dad) I needed to talk to someone… I needed help. I didn’t want to exist anymore - it was that bad” – Ariki

14 15 Journey to Supportive Guilt “She would turn to me Whānau: Getting Up at random times and say, ‘please don’t be a lesbian, I The Courage want grandchildren,’ which made me feel guilty about disappointing her and her Facing Our Fears: It can take a while for takatāpui rangatahi to tell plans for me” – Morgan their whānau about their diverse gender or sexuality for fear of a negative reaction. Common feelings takatāpui rangatahi experience include embarrassment, fear, isolation, guilt, depression, anger and hopelessness. Takatāpui experiencing these things are at risk of self- Self-harm and Suicide harming and suicide. “I showed [Mum] all my self-harm scars which are not visible Embarrassment Fear and I just said, ‘I’m just letting you know that this is what it did “Transwomanhood means to to me on the inside. I’m not blaming anyone but when you are be something embarrassing “I think the first time so flippant about my sexuality and my story and my feelings and funny and a little bit coming out was the hardest and where I’ve come from… This is not a casual thing. This has silly, goofy and dumb. It’s because it was actually actually been a really, really hard thing for me to go through’” difficult to let your parents acknowledging out loud that – Kassie in on something that’s you’re saying those words, embarrassing” – Emilie you’re making them real” – Cameron Depression and Anger

Isolation “I got to a point where I felt like a volcano… I didn’t know “Some nights I would just go to what was going on, but I sleep and... think about all the just felt unhappy and I felt things that my siblings could depressed, angry and upset. do that I couldn’t because of Very angry. Not knowing who my sexuality. Such as bring a I was in terms of my own boyfriend home, you know, identity, I would spend a lot greet the whānau... just normal of time playing video games Māori stuff” – Cameron - ‘cause that was my way to escape” – Ariki

16 17 Journey to Supportive Whānau: Embarrassment and Shame “There’s a little bit of ‘what will everyone else think of me and what As The Truth Sets In will they think of our family?’” – Angelique (Mum)

“I was a patched gang member. First Reactions: Finding out your children are takatāpui can be a When he first came out, my first surprise. You may struggle – even if you want to be supportive. You comment was ’no comment.’ I may not be proud of your first reaction but it is probably one shared by was still trying to deal with it. I many other parents. was a little embarrassed because my peers were all staunch men. Common feelings for whānau include shock, embarrassment, denial, I felt like I was hiding my son’s a justified fear for your child’s safety and inner conflict. Grief can secret” – Frank (Dad) stem from the loss of the vision you had for your child’s future. You may worry that they will not have children or that you have lost a child when they transition. Denial Shock “Every time I tell someone, they go, ‘you don’t look like a “We needed to just get it lesbian.’ I always get upset. out, lay it all out on the “I was in shock. I just What are they supposed to floor and then process it” thought she’d make some look like?” – Mere-Ana – Nathaniel guy a beautiful wife. But my love for her was always gonna beat that one” – Nina (Nan) “You know there’re so many cues you choose to avoid… and then when you make the decision that we have to move “I never thought it was a gender thing because she never really forward, they come up and displayed any clear signs – and that’s why it was a ‘hit by a train’ they shine like big diamonds” kind of thing” – Raipoia (Mum) – Angelique

18 19 Fear for Safety Conflict with Core Values

“The warrior culture that I come from says, ‘No way! No “For me, the big factor was way!’ And I have to balance that emotion that comes safety. You know? How’s he up constantly inside me” – Matahi (Dad) gonna live this life when so many people judge?” – Natasha (Mum) “I went around to some friends who were in the church... I cried and I said ‘I don’t know what to do’ because I was conflicted about the Bible” “I didn’t react really well and I’ll tell you that I didn’t. It was my – Kellie (Mum) fear of what I’d seen when I was growing up. That was my biggest fear. ‘Oh my god, how can I protect her? How can I keep her safe?’” – Kellie (Mum) Grief

“People just don’t know how to “That’s the grieving that deal with their own personal parents go through. And grief. And sometimes you say “Aunty was very religious. I was the behaviour… comes from things… really horrible things. that feeling. Most of the time scared for [Morgan]. But in my And then when you look back mind, in my heart I’m thinking, people don’t really know at them later on… they were just what to do because you feel ‘oh, yay! I’m not the only one!’” things that you never should – Mere-Ana like your child has gone, have said but that’s how you felt but your child is still there” at the time” – Angelique (Mum) – Raipoia (Mum)

20 21 Journey to Supportive Whānau: Starting the Reflection “You know when you get a “As a mother moving into Conversation jigsaw puzzle and someone a very challenging area, I goes, ‘here you go, try and really needed to understand figure this out.’ The puzzle myself. And I think if you’re Breaking the Silence: The sooner takatāpui rangatahi and their started coming together” unsure of yourself you cannot whānau start talking to each other, the better. Building good whānau – Robert (Dad) help someone close to you” communication requires patience, reflection, trust and love. – Angelique (Mum) Patience

“It’s a personal journey. “Give parents a bit of space “Where do we get these You can’t fast forward” and time to readjust” – Ariki principles from to judge? We – Raipoia (Mum) say in our culture, manaakitanga [generosity], whanaungatanga [connectedness], āwhinatanga [help]. Aroha [Love]. Isn’t “Patience is the number one that the strongest emotion key thing that this process in our culture? Why has taught me… Know that it don’t we practice that?” takes time and understanding –Matahi (Dad) to get to the point where it’s okay… It does get better. But it gets better by you trying” - Nathaniel Trust and Love

“When your child comes out “If your moko [grandchild] “If you have that love for as transgender, that’s not a comes out and says that she’s each other and you’re journey you prepare for and different or he’s different, you trusting… you’ll be able to some people struggle with “Keep just talking about love that moko. You love them get through it together” that. Sometimes you have to it. Keep opening up. anyway. Don’t judge them” – Mere-Ana cut your family some slack Keep moving forward” – Nina (Nan) because it takes a while to – Mere-Ana get your head around it” – Robert (Dad) 22 23 Journey to Supportive Whānau: Meeting in the Middle Pride

“We saw the spark in our baby from Whānau As A Haven: Whānau support provides a place from which him coming out. [Cam] was very takatāpui rangatahi can draw strength and resilience to help deal closed down, stayed locked up in with the challenges they face outside the whānau. As the journey the room. There was just something continues, good communication will lead to whānau and takatāpui missing. And then when he come rangatahi sharing feelings of acceptance and pride. out, oh it’s made him the beautiful baby he is today. I’m so proud of Acceptance him and of who he has become” – Natasha (Mum)

“I didn’t find out Cam was gay until I went in for surgery for my son’s birth... He was crying, you know, hurt. I think “I’m very proud of [Nathaniel]. Because the fact is that he’s taken my opinion really mattered on such a huge, big challenge. And I think his biggest challenge to him at that moment. And I was really to get that across to me” – Angelique didn’t really care, I accepted it and we had a hug and a kiss” – Monique (Sister) “This has been a massive learning curve for Emilie’s mum and I but I’m really proud of the “I’m really lucky that there’s whole family. They recognise “I shouldn’t behave like I’m so much acceptance and... that she is a wonderful Māori if I reject someone also there’s two of us. If our human being who is fiercely that I brought to earth. cousins or moko come out intelligent, argumentative and That’s totally wrong” or anything it’ll be all good” always happy to get a free ride – Matahi (Dad) – Morgan home from a party. Nothing’s changed” – Robert (Dad)

24 25 Where To From Here? Te Whare Tapa Whā

The Next Steps: In a world that discriminates against them, the health and Claiming Takatāpui Identity: One of the first steps towards uplifting well-being of takatāpui rangatahi is often overlooked, made invisible or the health and well-being of takatāpui rangatahi is the act of claiming directly attacked. Te Whare Tapa Whā is a model based on tikanga (Māori takatāpui identity. This helps takatāpui rangatahi recognise that their cultural values) and mātauranga (knowledge) that whānau and takatāpui diverse sexes, gender identities and sexualities are part of what makes them rangatahi can use to navigate these challenges. Māori.

Te Whare Tapa Whā is the Māori health model developed by Professor Mason “Takatāpui means that first and Durie (1984). The model is depicted as a whare (meeting house), which is made foremost, I’m Māori. Then I’m up of four taha (sides) representing: everything else but together I am everything I am. I am queer, I am Māori and I am tangata ira tane [a trans man]. And I have Taha Tinana Taha Wairua this entire community backing me physical well-being spirituality and connection to up whenever I use that identity” all things in the Universe – Nathaniel

“The diversity of Māori who hold this identity is I think really beautiful. For me, it’s a great word, because I don’t have to be specific about how I identify” – Morgan Taha Hinengaro Taha Whānau psychological and extended family and intellectual well-being relationships

26 27 Taha Wairua: “I always remember who I Spirituality & am. I always go back to that. And at times of hardship Interconnectedness I think about my family. I think about my ancestors and remember where I Trusting Our Tūpuna (Ancestors): Connection to tūpuna is one came from. That gives me way that Māori access the spiritual support they need in life. For strength” – Ariki takatāpui rangatahi and their whānau, calling on those tūpuna helps on the journey.

Spiritual Reconnections: Gender identity and expression, sexual “My Māoriness is about identity and being true to yourself are integral to being takatāpui. whakapapa and even if I It is a part of your wairua. When that is trampled on through can’t see it really clearly discrimination and rejection, the distance between takatāpui and I don’t have faces rangatahi and their whānau increases. Spiritual reconnection is a necessarily to put to those whānau responsibility. people, I can feel them 100% and they guide me. They lead me and they support “Nothing has really felt right until takatāpui, because to me all of the time” – Kassie me takatāpui is about whakapapa. It is about connection to a huge history and trajectory of whānau and of amazing people and communities who have always existed” – Kassie

“Daily I ask my ancestors, “[Mum] died about 35 ‘what would you do?’ And the years ago. And I kinda answer always comes back thought… what would she inside of me, ‘you never turn do in this situation? She your back on one of your was an awesome and own’. So I have to uphold the loving person. And she “You understand but the principles of my ancestors. told me, ‘this is what you emotional and wairua re- I’m a hypocrite if I don’t” need to do’. And I did it” connection takes a while” – Matahi (Dad) – Angelique (Mum) – Raipoia (Mum)

28 29 Taha Hinengaro: Beyond Acceptance: True support of takatāpui rangatahi means Psychological Well-being more than just accepting them as an individual member of your whānau. It extends to the partners they bring home, the friends they find and the Rainbow organisations and activism they may become involved with.

On The Inside: Discrimination, isolation and fear of rejection from “We don’t want more suicides whānau takes a toll on the mental health of takatāpui rangatahi. It because of non-acceptance. affects their confidence and their ability to be in the world, as well as That’s just not something that their outlook on the future. It can lead to high rates of depression, self should be accepted in our harm and suicide. society. Every child has the right to be accepted and loved Right to Belong: To be Māori for who and what they are” means being born into whānau, – Kellie (Mum) hapū and iwi. Creating a sense “You’ve got to make an of ‘belonging’ however, relies effort… if you’re part of on building connections and this whānau. If you don’t, relationships. Whānau must what are you doing? ensure that takatāpui rangatahi What are you here for?” “As the years have gotten “It’s quite interesting when know their inclusion is never in – Morgan on we’ve accepted that you see the dynamics question, that they don’t have people are allowed to choose of it really, because the to leave parts of their identity at how they want to live” extended family have the door to belong. – Nan Kapua (Nan) probably accepted it more than the immediate family” – Nathaniel “Being Māori means… you always belong somewhere no

matter where you are or what TE WHARE TAPA WHĀ: TAHA HINENGARO you do. Everything you do in “No one runs down family. your life, you will always belong” Whānau over everything” – Nan Kapua (Nan) – Molly (Cousin)

30 31 Taha Tinana: In Charge of Your Own Body: Takatāpui rangatahi with diverse Physical Well-being bodies and gender identities often have negative experiences with health services. Takatāpui rangatahi may need to transition from the gender they were assigned at birth. For them, transitioning is an essential part of the journey to align their tinana with their wairua. However, the treatments and surgeries necessary for this are either very costly or not readily avaliable. On the Outside: The care of tinana has particular implications for takatāpui rangatahi who may be born into whānau who do not Takatāpui rangatahi who are “There’s been no hiding support them or who suffer routine discrimination in other parts of intersex are born with diverse in our family. We roll as their life. bodies and sex characteristics one unit and if you don’t which may not be 100% male or like it – ka kite anō!” “If you know your whānau backs you, that no matter if anything female. It is likely that they have – Ellen (Aunty) else happens, that your family are going to be there – such a huge already experienced unnecessary protective factor. Such a huge difference to how your life is going to surgery as an infant. Throughout go” – Kassie their lives, takatāpui rangatahi “Whānau is about with diverse bodies often suffer awhi and tautoko” – Having Their Back: Whānau is the first and most important place of trauma and a loss of privacy in Frank (Dad) protection all rangatahi have. In wider society, takatāpui rangatahi their dealings with the medical are likely to face violence and abuse in their lives because of their profession. diverse sexes, genders or sexualities. They need to know their Healthcare Advocates: Whānau must ensure that takatāpui whānau have got their back. rangatahi recieve the competent and affirming healthcare they are entitled to with as much privacy and sensitivity as possible. “[The gang members] didn’t accept gays in general but they accepted [Cam] was gay. “If you care about Māoritanga They never rubbished him, [Māori way of life] and you care they never spoke down to about Te Ao Māori [the Māori him. They all just treated him world] and all of our taonga how they treated him prior to [treasures], then part of that that. But they stopped using is making sure that takatāpui homophobic words around are safe and nourished and me... ‘Cause I’d get upset… have space to live and grow” There would be consequences” – Emilie – Frank (Dad)

32 33 Taha Whānau: Extended Family & Relationships

Facing the World: Having broken the ice to tell immediate whānau, takatāpui rangatahi now face telling the extended whānau and everybody else who matters. This is when whānau allies can step up Standing in Mana: Whānau is still the foundation of Māori culture to support them. and Māori society. It is key to the survival of takatāpui rangatahi. Whānau support contributes to building up the confidence and “[My family] gave me the resilience of takatāpui rangatahi. Support from immediate whānau “Now that everyone in courage and the strength to and especially kuia kaumātua (elders) helps them to stand in their my life has been told be who I am. And to pursue own mana – to be strong in who they are and to face whatever pretty much… my life who I believe I am and go out challenges will come their way. has been a lot less there in the world and not stressful. A lot less to worry what people say [or] manage” – Emilie care about what people think” – Ariki “I feel like my job as a parent and my role in life is to be able “That is the only difference “I was with Cam every to allow my children to live between us aye? Is our step of the way when he their truth. Whatever that’s to sexualities. Nothing else. told each and every one be” – Robert (Dad) We’re still all people, we’re of our family members” still all iwi, we’re still – Monique (Sister) all whānau. Kotahitanga [unity] is how I see it” – Natasha (Mum) “You just wish that you could give a child enough confidence that “Parents must realise, you’re when they walk out that door, not losing face, you’re not “I told my Mum first and their shoulders go back, their losing reputation, you’re then I didn’t tell my Dad till head goes up and they own it. not losing mana. You stand a couple of weeks later… but And it’s their ownership that they by the one you made” in that time, he had already take. Their mana” – Kellie (Mum) – Matahi (Dad) figured it out so he was hurt” – Mere-Ana

34 35 Moving Forward Together

It May Not Be Easy Let Aroha Be Your Guide “I learned from the 23rd Psalm [The Lord is my Shepherd] that “Children are the most “Hang in there. Love will heal all” you had two choices to make important thing. They are our - Raipoia (Mum) in life. You could take the easy biggest gift. It wouldn’t have road or you could take the high mattered what [Morgan] came road and face the challenges of out as. You know, because it life and overcome them. I think “The journey is different was the love that I felt for her. we’ve done that as a whānau” for everybody but I hope For parents out there that don’t – Nina (Nan) that we all end up in have family that have come out the place of acceptance before, it’s safer now than it and love because if you was back then. And don’t hide do that, it’s better for “One Sabbath we were learning the lesson of ‘if you have not sinned, behind your fear… Bottom line everybody, including cast the first stone.’ And I guess my whakaaro [thinking] had to is, they’re our gift. We need to your own heart” go back to that. Who are you to throw stones, whether it be your embrace them and love them – Robert (Dad) moko, your daughter or anyone, without looking at yourself first?” regardless of what they are” – Ellen (Aunty) - Kellie (Mum)

“My advice is to take a big, “Love conquers all I think. If big breath in. You need to ask you genuinely love someone, yourself some very important nothing should matter. My questions. ‘Do I still want to love for [Cameron] conquered have this connection?’ And if everything that I was facing. I do, we need to find steps to It’s unconditional and that’s move forward. And if I don’t, we what got me through it” – need to ask more questions as Frank (Dad) to why” - Angelique (Mum)

36 37 Don’t Give Up! Seek More Information

“We never walked away or got really angry ‘cause that would not have helped. It never entered our mind. It was more like ‘how can we “Having more resources about takatāpui is a great start… adjust?’”– Raipoia (Mum) I know that when I was trying to explain gender and identity to my Mum or to my eldest cousin, they wouldn’t have it. So having things that can inform our whānau so we don’t have to. Because sometimes it’s not safe” – Morgan “It’s really going to be okay because what you’ll have is a happy person. Trust in that” – Robert (Dad)

“Embrace that child and make sure you do everything in your power to research, to look at resources” – Kellie (Mum) “We’re on this journey and we’re not going to abandon it. Don’t abandon who you made. Don’t make life miserable for you and your offspring. You know, handle it” – Matahi (Dad) “My Mum went out of her way to research and understand exactly who I was and even though that took time, it’s “You’ve got to keep pressuring them [to talk]. At the same time I gotten to the point where it’s was backing that up to say ‘I love you, I care about you.’ You have amazing” – Nathaniel to try and get the answers... but you have to be very clear about how much you love that person and nothing should change” – Angelique (Mum)

38 39 Resources Organisations

Tīwhanawhana Trust To learn more about this resource, For takatāpui to “tell our stories, Email: order copies, listen to whānau build our community and leave a [email protected] legacy” Website: interviews, get further information www.tiwhanawhana.com and read part one in the series Takatāpui: Part of the Whānau, RainbowYOUTH visit: Offers support, peer-groups, a drop-in Phone: centre, resources and education for 09 376 4155 queer and gender diverse youth as Email: www.takatāpui.nz well as their friends, whānau and wider [email protected] communities Website: www.ry.org.nz OUTLineNZ Counselling service for Rainbow Helpline: Other Resources to Check Out: communities, friends and families. 0800 OUTLINE (0800 688 5463) Website: www.mentalhealth.org.nz www.outline.org.nz Takatāpui: Part of the Whānau: on takatāpui well-being Tīhei Mauri Ora: Supporting Whānau though Suicidal Distress Intersex Trust of Aotearoa New Zealand (ITANZ) Common Ground website - identity section Provides information, education and Phone: www.ry.org.nz/resources training for those who work with Mani 04 472 7386 intersex people and their families. You, Me, Us: Ko Koe, Ko Au, Ko Tāua, Ko Tātou Email: [email protected] on healthy relationships Website: Queer & Trans: A Super Simple Comic Guide for definitions www.ianz.org.nz Mental Health Foundation www.tapatoru.org.nz Towards a society where everyone Phone: enjoys positive mental health and 09 623 4810 or 03 366 6936 Tātou bi-monthly e-zine promoting positivity and wellness for well-being Email: takatāpui who are trans/gender diverse and their whānau [email protected] Website: www.mentalhealth.org.nz www.beyondblue.org.au Lifeline Aotearoa Families Like Mine multimedia guide for families Free 24/7 Suicide Hotline Helpline: 0800 543 354

40 41 Elizabeth Kerekere’s Top Takatāpui Tips

Takatāpui embraces all Māori with diverse Mana Wāhine is the platform for fighting sexes, gender identities, and sexualities discrimination against takatāpui

Being takatāpui is based on whakapapa, Being takatāpui does not foster depression and mana, identity and inclusion suicide, discrimination does

We all inherit our gender and sexuality from our Takatāpui identity proudly celebrates our unique ancestors – it is part of our wairua Māori selves without apology or shame

Takatāpui are part of the whānau - The takatāpui movement honors our ancestors, always have been, always will be respects our elders, works closely with our peers and looks after our young people

Whānau don’t need to get it, Takatāpui well-being rests within whānau, they just need to be there friends and Rainbow communities

Discrimination (transphobia, homophobia and Takatāpui allies promote acceptance and biphobia) hurts all of our whānau challenge discrimination wherever it occurs

42 43 www.takatāpui.nz

Brought to you by:

With support from:

Copyright RainbowYOUTH, Tīwhanawhana Trust 2017

ISBN (ONLINE): 978-0-473-38879-9

ISBN (PRINT): 978-0-473-38878-2

Citation: Kerekere, E. (2017) Growing Up Takatāpui: Whānau Journeys. : Tīwhanawhana Trust and RainbowYOUTH