Part II: Healthy Adolescent Sexual Development

ADOLESCENT SEXUALITY Developing Self-Esteem And Mastering Developmental Tasks

Robert Selverstone, PhD President of the SIECUS Board of Directors

H ealthy adolescent sexual behavior is just one Self-Esteem aspect of overall healthy adoles&nt development. Freud, in seeking to identify the characteristics of a The key question about what constitutes healthy healthy, mature adult, was most concise. He identified adolescent sexuality is not so much the extent of the characteristics as love and work. The healthy adult conformity to traditional demands for sexual was one who could both give and receive love and had abstinence, but the extent to which adolescent sex- the capacity to find satisfaction in his or her work, how- ual behavior fosters or impedes the development ever that work was defined. Sidney Simon has translated of healthy self-esteem and the concomitant mas- these two critical components of self-esteem into the tery of a teenager’s developmental tasks. Such be- wonderful: I Am Lovable And Capable (IALAC). 2 Simon havior should be respectful and not exploitive of posits that we all wear IALAC signs, and that our daily others, and it should not endanger the physical or experiences increase or diminish the size of those signs mental health of the partidpants. - our feelings of self-esteem. To the extent that self- esteem is the critical variable in healthy adolescent De-Satellizing development, it is important to examine how adolescents Adolescence is the span of time from dependence in seek to develop and maintain their feelings of, and the childhood to autonomy in adulthood. A childexists in balance between, being lovable and capable. the orbit of the parents. At puberty, s/he seeks to “de- satellize,” to leave that orbit .’ Since total autonomy is Developmental Tasks unrealistic at that time, the teenager/adolescent “re-satel- Almost four decades ago, Robert Havighurst intro- lizes” around a peer group, staying within its orbit until duced the concept of “Developmental Tasks of s/he again de-satellizes and seeks to establish his or her Adolescence” in his book, Developmental Tasksand identity as an independent adult. Education.3 While I believe his dozen or so tasks are still Increasingly, adolescent sexual behavior is becoming key, it seems to me that they can be clustered together one of the key breaking away/de-satellizing issues.And, into four broad categories: identity, connectedness, like other age-related and maturity-dependent behaviors power, and hope/joy. - such as drinking alcohol, driving an automobile, or Identity. Most would agree with Erickson that the making school and work decisions - the pleasures as- central task for an adolescent is the development of a sociated with this freedom must be balanced against the senseof identity.4 It is essential to determine and to de- responsibility to behave in a manner that maximizes fine one’s boundaries - “who am I and who am I not?” personal and interpersonal rewards and minimizes vari- and “What is it that makes me uniquely me?”- and to ous risks to oneself, to others, and to society. begin the process of separation from one’s parents. This article will examine adolescent sexuality from Connectedness. But, since total autonomy is far too two important perspectives, that of self-esteem and that daunting a goal to be achieved all at once, the teenager of developmental tasks. will re-satellize around a peer group. Stated in another manner, achieving a sense of identity is necessary, but it her lovability there, also. is not sufficient. It must be accompanied by connected- In earlier generations, many teenagers postponed sex- ness - “Who are yoz&” and “How are we different? ual involvement for a variety of reasons. Among these The biblical sage, Hillel, acknowledged the importance was the warning that the girls would “hate themselves in of this identity/connectedness duality when he stated: the morning” (i.e., such behavior would diminish their “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But If I am self-esteem). Virginity was often the sole differentiation only for myself, what am I?” 5 between “good girls” and “bad girls.” With little peer sup- Power. This critical developmental task is too fre- port for those who dared contravene the standards, it quently overlooked - and often at considerable cost. was not too surprising that the prophesy often became Young people who feel powerless are those most at risk self-fulfilling. to attempt suicide (adults too, but it is so strikingly clear In fact, this continues to be the case with early with teenagers). The suicide attempt is an acknowledg- adolescent/middle-school girls. Orr et al found a positive ment that one feels hopelessly helpless, powerless, to correlation between the early age of initiation of inter- exert control over one’s life. This experience of power- course and diminished self-esteem for girls! The authors lessness is so intolerable that it impels behavior aimed appropriately caution that this correlation does not imply at terminating life or at least the pain of a powerless, causality from either of the two variables. It is not clear out-of-control life. The need to “pull their own strings” whether low self-esteem encourages early intercourse or is a prime characteristic of adolescents. Hope/Joy. This sense of optimism derives from the successful accomplishment of the three previous tasks: Vol.18 No.1 developing a positive sense of who one is, rewarding SIECUS Report October/November 1989 relationships with others, and the wherewithal to con- Sex Information and Education Council of the U.S. trol one’s life. Success in these three enables one to be- lieve that good things will eventuate and that one will Executive Director, Debra W. Haffner, MPH have reasonable opportunities to pursue life, liberty, Editor, Janet J- and happiness.

The SIECUS Repoti is published bimonthly and distributed to SIECUS Relationship to Healthy Sexual Development members, professionals, organizations, government officials, libraries, When viewed from the above perspective, the im- the media, and the general public. portance of adolescent social and sexual activity is clear. The structure of contemporary society makes it increas- Annual membership fees: h~dividuaf $60; Student (with validation) ingly difficult for teenagers to feel capable. Families do $30; Senior Citizen $40; Organization $100 (includes two bimonthly not need teenagers. Indeed, they are frequently de- copies of the SIECUS Report), Library $60. SIECUS Report subscription picted by society as primarily consumers of disposable alone, $55 a year. Outside the U.S., add $10 per year to these fees frivolities, minimum wage employees, and nuisances. (except Canada and Mexico, $5). The SIECUS Report is available on microfiifromUniversity Microfh, 300 NorthZeeb Road, Ann Arbor, The rise of programs such as Outward Bound - de- MI 48106. signed to help adolescents and adults develop a belief in their own capabilities -testifies to the difficulty of AR article and review submissions, advertising, and publication finding enough means to measure one’s competence inquiries should be addressed to the editor: within the framework of day-to-day existence. Janet Jamar It is interesting to note that the two principal illicit Director of Publications drugs of the disenfranchised class of our society are SIECUS heroin and cocaine (including crack). The former acts to 32 Washington Place sedate and to narcotize against the pain of a harsh and New York, New York 10003 minimally rewarding life, while the latter artificially (212) 6733850 stimulates feelings of power, mastery, control, and suc- cess. It is not a coincidence that this behavior most fre- quently begins among teenagers. And, of course, one Editorial Board need not be in a disenfranchised group to commence Wiiiam L. Yarber, HSD, Chair harmful drug usage. All that is necessary are feelings of Barbara Beitch, PhD low self-esteem and frustration in resolving develop Diane Moore, MS mental tasks in a productive manner. Jane Quinn, ACSW The increased difficulty in feeling capable necessarily PX. Rev. David E. Richards places a greater emphasis on the need to feel lovable. However, the adolescent’s normal need to de-satellize, Copyright 0 1989 by the Sex Information and Education Council of the combined with the decreasing number of intact families U.S., Inc. No part of the SIECUSRqmrtmay be reproduced in any form and the increasing number of families with both parents without written permission. working outside the home, all make the family a less likely or available source of such support. Having al- Library of Congress catalog card number 72-627361. ISSN: 0091-3995 ready de-satellized to his or her peer group, it is not surprising that the teenager may seek to confirm his or

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 2 vice versa, or whether a third variable causes both. My 6. Orr, D.P. et al. Reported sexual behaviorsand self-esteem own findings are similar, albeit more anecdotal. They amongyoung adolescents.American Journal of Diseases of tend to confirm that girls, whose first intercourse was Children,January, 1989,143,8&W. prior to 10th grade (age 15), often feel that it was 7. Selverstone,R. Unpublishedresearch. premature. However, this does not seem to be the case with girls whose first intercourse experience com- Robert Selventone i3 a psychologist in private practice menced at age 16 or later; the vast majority report that and a human sexuality teacher at StaplesHigh School in intercourse took place in the context of a caring rela- Westpoti,Connecticut. tionship, and they express few regrets. Also, while they often suspect that their parents might disapprove, they feel secure that their peers see such behavior as normal and appropriate’ For boys, both the Orr study and my own note a positive correlation between intercourse Male and Female and self-esteem; sexually-experienced males tend to feel Adolescent Developmental Needs good about it and about themselves.

Conclusion Konstance McCaffree, PhD Given their developmental and self-esteem needs, and in light of the structure of contemporary society, it Sexuality Educator,Council Rock High School, is not surprising that normal, healthy adolescents seek Newtown, Pennsylvania out sexual socialization. It appears to meet many of Faculty, Human Sexuality Department, their needs: their identity is validated through their University of Pennsylvania connectednessto another person, which provides a sense of power, joy, and hope. They feel lovable. Adolescence, of course, covers a significant age Psychologists and education researchers have identi- range. No one would responsibly assert that what is ap- fied several developmental tasks of adolescence that are propriate behavior for the 20, 18, or 16 year old is ne- commonly reported in the literature. Among these are cessarily appropriate for the 13 year old. As is true with the need to rebel in order to establish one’s identity, the most things in life, the initiation of sexual behavior in- testing of limits in order to experience one’s power, and volves both pleasures and pitfalls, and as one increases a number of cognitive and moral reasoning tasks. In in age and experience - in physical, cognitive, and discussing these developmental tasks, most often females emotional growth, in personal and interpersonal and males are grouped together as “adolescents.” In con- understanding, and in the ability to understand and to trast, however, we point out the differences between the behave in accordance with ethical principles - the abil- genders in regard to the physiological changes that occur ity to make good decisions increases apace. There is no during puberty, in rates of growth, and in the societal magic age to commence or to cease intimate conduct. roles expected of them. Psychologists also have at- What is critical is whether the behavior advances or re- tempted to document brain chemistry differences be- tards an adolescent’s self-esteem and his or her success- tween males and females that lead them to perform spa- ful completion of developmental tasks. tial relations activities and verbal tasks somewhat differ- The responsibility that we bear as adults - as par- ently. Whether these differences are innate or environ- ents and professionals who care deeply about our mentally determined is not particularly relevant in this young people - is to help educate and counsel them brief discussion. What I would like to emphasize here is as they go about their sexual decision-making process. that although it is important to focus on the common Teenagers need assistance in assessing alternative sex- developmental tasks of adolescents as a group, it is of ual behaviors (from masturbation to all forms of partner critical importance to addressspecific gender develop sexual expression) and the attendant consequences mental issuesas well. (from pregnancy and AIDS/STDs to personal and For example, after years of teaching adolescents, I interpersonal joys and pains). They need help in maxi- have become convinced that the two genders hear the mizing their own and their partner’s pleasure and safety, words our society employs differently. In human sexual- while minimizing the various risks inherent in sexual ity classes,we often use such words as love, pleasure, expression. pregnancy, and responsibility. In these coed classes, where shared communication is emphasized, students References frequently speak with one another and use the above 1. Ausubel, D.P. & Sullivan, E.V. Theory and problemsof child mentioned words with very different meanings. They development.New York: Grune and Stratton, 1970. 2. Simon,S. I am lovable and capable.Niles, IL: Argus Com- will conclude that intercourse should be between people munications,1973. who love one another and are willing to share responsi- 3. Havighurst, R. Developmentaltasks and education. New bility, but when pressed to define exactly what they York: Longmans,Green, 1952. mean, females will talk about trust, intimacy, and com- 4. Erickson, E. Childhood and society. New York: Norton, mitment to the relationship, while males will use com- 1950. pletely different behavioral terms, such as “I care about 5. Hillel, Rabbi.Pir kei avot (Sayingsof the fathers), you,” I am being responsible, because I’m not cheating

3 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 on you, n and “I’ll pay for an abortion if anything hap- you mean by that?” They then need to understand how pens.” The meanings assigned to the words come from what they say translates into behavior. Today, most sexu- their specific life experiences. For instance, in response ality education classes do not like to deal with touch and to viewing a film in which a young high school senior pleasuring, but students need to be able to talk about holds his newborn, talks about how the pregnancy has what kinds of touch feel good to them and what kinds of changed his life, and discusses what he feels are his re- touch give them pleasure. In addition, we need to have sponsibilities for his child and his teenage wife, male classes where males and females, together, have the op- viewers frequently comment that the film is designed portunity to talk about the qualities of good relationships for teenage girls and not for them. They observe - in and to discover what the word relationship means to contrast to what the male in the video is stating and is each at this stage in his or her life. demonstrating 6y his behavbr- that the male is just Other developmental tasks, where it is clear that babysitting the child and that he is financially, not emo- adolescent males and females take different paths, could tionally, responsible for the child. be mentioned, however that would be beyond the scope The need for touch is another rarely addressed male/ of this article. Hopefully, readers will be encouraged by female developmental issue. For years, professionals these few, brief examples to explore, more extensively, have supported the concept that everyone needs touch what has been said, and educators will begin to incorpo- and that our healthy survival is based on the fulfillment rate these ideas in their educational methodologies. of this need. However, we encourage and promote the Adolescents need to be able to explore both their corn- \% acceptability of different types of touch for each of the monalities and their differences, if they are to become ,’ genders, and we generally stop touching males years healthy and happy adults. earlier than we do females. Needing touch in adoles- cence, males seek out and use the touch they have learned is appropriate for their gender - a sexual touch. Females, however, long-accustomed to the touch of friends and family, often experience the initial, and Promoting Healthy Sexual subsequent, sexual touching as less pleasurable than males. Adolescent females can frequently be heard ex- Development For Adolescents with claiming, “My boyfriend is always all over me,” and may Developmental Disabilities or express their discomfort with sexual touching by blam- Chronic Illnesses ing males for always “being horny.” Readiness for a relationship is also a developmental task experienced differently by females and males. Adolescent females more readily talk about relation- Susan Heighway, RNC, MS ships, and see themselves in relationships, than do adolescent males. When creating collages depicting Clinical Assistant Professor, School of Nursing and Waisman their futures, both females and males include pictures Center of Mental Retardation and Human Development, and words that show careers, money, cars, and houses. University of Wisconsin-Madison However, few 11thgrade males, in contrast to almost all females of the same age, place marriage and children in their futures. It appears that males and females get dif- Al 1 too often, adolescents with developmental dis- ferent messages from society about where their em- abilities or chronic illnessesr are viewed as nonsexual phases should be. The media tends to give females beings by professionals, peers, and parents. Conse- strong messages that they should be in a relationship, quently, issues of sexuality are ignored at a time when should be part of a couple, and should be able to com- the need for these adolescents to see themselves as sex- municate with males. At the same time, it presents ual beings is great. males with the challenge to be strong loners, empha- Human sexuality refers to a broad spectrum of issues sizing that real bonding happens with males, not fe- and experiences, including an individual’s self-concept; males, and that sexual conquests are to be sought, not physical and social maturation; development of relation- equal partnerships with females. ships with the same or opposite gender; the physical ex- As educators, I believe it is important to help young pression of one’s sexuality; and planning for the future people develop a happy and healthy sexuality, by (e.g. marriage, contraception, childbearing, and childrear- understanding both their particular and their general ing). Adolescence is the particularly challenging time needs and experiences, and by adapting our teaching when most youth experience concerns regarding these strategies and information base to include these. Using developmental issues.This period offers further compli- the above examples, this would mean that when we cations for adolescents with disabilities and chronic ill- employ particular words in discussions with students, nesses, however, because of their need to integrate their we offer them the opportunity to use these words in disability or illness. dialogue with one another, so that they can express People with disabilities must have the same basic sex- their different perceptions and experiences. We also ual rights as all people. Today, these rights are beginning should encourage them to continually ask, “What do to be recognized through legislation, education, and pub-

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 4 lit awareness. Rights to privacy, information about hu- sexual development, birth control, and sexually transmit- man sexuality, nonexploitive sexual behavior, coun- ted diseases, as well as an opportunity to learn and prac- seling services, learning materials adapted to needs, and tice social skills, teaching of appropriate touch, affection, knowledge of the laws regulating sexual behavior are and love. Opportunities to discuss and role-play appro- critical for youth with disabilities. Yet, due to their legal priate, interpersonal responses in same-gender and status as minors, many of these areas are problematic heterosexual settings, to affirm positive behaviors, and to for adolescents. avoid potentially abusive situations might also be part of However, by providing appropriate education, train- a comprehensive curriculum. The information provided ing, and support services, it will be possible for youths in these programs should be developmentally and cogni- with disabilities to acquire the skills and knowledge tively appropriate and take into consideration any limita- they need to develop a positive sexuality and to reduce tions that the disability might pose for an adolescent in their risk of sexual abuse. Social experiences between an educational setting. Teaching strategies also need to youth, with and without disabilities, also must be an in- be individualized to accommodate varied learning styles. tegral part of their everyday life if healthy peer interac- Parents can be a major source of support to adoles- tions are to occur. It is through such experiences that cents, but may not feel comfortable or knowledgeable youth with disabilities will develop positive self-images, enough to carry out, alone, a sexuality education pro- increase their self-esteem, and experience less self-con- gram with their teenager. The health professionals and sciousness. educators, who work with these adolescents, could play What we want for youth with disabilities is what we an important role in providing appropriate sexuality edu- want for all youth: we want them to be able to develop cation and support for their families. Not surprisingly, to their fullest and to be part of their communities. To though, many professionals need to become more sensi- assure that adolescents and young adults with disabili- tive and need to participate in educational experiences ties will develop satisfying relationships, and will inte- that will increase their own comfort and knowledge grate successfully into the mainstream of society, it is about sexuality. essential to pay attention to sexuality issues across the A comprehensive and integrated approach to provid- lifespan. Sexual development is a life-long process, in ing training and support around issues of sexuality - which each stage of life presents a different phase for across the lifespan - has yet to be developed for all in- learning sociosexual behavior. Although early life ex- dividuals with disabilities, let alone adolescents. Such an periences for youth with disabilities may be similar to approach should include individual and group educa- that of their nondisabled peers, as adolescence ap- tional opportunities for the adolescent, continuing edu- proaches life experiences may differ. However, despite cation for professionals, and parent-to-parent support differences in abilities, the timing of puberty, the visibil- networks for families. The goal of such efforts should be ity of a handicap, and life expectancy, the normative the development of a healthy sexuality for adolescents tasks of sexual maturation are quite similar for all with disabilities and their achievement of full integration adolescents. into society. Some significant differences do exist, nonetheless. Most teenagers learn about sex from their peers. This is Reference less likely to happen for an adolescent with mental re- 1. In this article, the term “disabilities” is used to refer to both tardation, who has a limited vocabulary and has limited developmental disabilities and to chronic illnesses. access to social or recreational activities. Formal learning opportunities that present sex education in a Susan Heigbway wrote this article under the auspices of comprehensive way are limited for all teenagers, but are The National Center-for Youth with Disabilities. me Cen- even more so for youth who cannot read or for whom ter wor&s to expand the knowledge and involvement of basic information will not suffice (e.g., teenage girls individuals, agencies, and programs pmviding services to with certain health conditions that preclude taking oral youth with chronic illnessesor disabling conditions. contraceptives or adolescents with spina bifida who are unsure of their fertility status). In addition, achieving tasks of sexual development for youth with disabilities is made more difficult by their increasing awareness of, and concern with, physical differences; by their continued dependence on adults for physical and/or Part I, ofti. two-part series on medical care; and by their potential social isolation from activities with peers. Moreover, it is important to note “Healfhy Adoiescent Sexual that society’s attitudes toward those with disabilities is Developm&xi,n appeared in the often more of a hindrance to an adolescent’s sexual development than any limitation of the condition itself. May-July 1989 (Vol. 17, No. 5) In order to promote healthy sexual development, Issue of the SIECUS Report. structured sexuality education classes are needed for adolescents with disabilities. These classes could in- clude basic information about anatomy, reproduction,

5 SIECLJS Report, October/November 1989 Mark 0. Bigler, MSW AIDS Coordinator, Sexuality Educator, Phoenix House Doctoral Candidate, Human Sexuality Program, New York University

D uring the 197Os, a great deal of data was pro- touched a girl’s breasts, while 25% of lIyear-old females duced concerning adolescent sexual behavior. Reports have had their breasts touched.’ By age 14,54% of males by Drs. Melvin Zelnik and John F. Kantner of Johns have engaged in breast-touching, but only 31% of fe- Hopkins University, for example, provided substantial males have had their breasts touched. Overall, 58% of insight into the sexual and contraceptive experience of males and 49% of females report manual breast play, American teens. While research on adolescent sexuality while 38.3% of males have kissed a girl’s breasts, and has continued into this decade, the studies have been 38.1% of females have had their breasts kissed. When largely individual efforts and have been relatively nar- asked about vaginal play, 23% of 13-year-old males and row in scope. The result has been a vast amount of po- 18% of 13-year-old females reported having participated tentially important findings that require much time and in this activity.’ By age 18, the gap between males and effort to access. Unfortunately, most of these studies females has almost disappeared: 61% of males and 60% have focused on teenage contraceptive behavior, preg- of females report having experienced vaginal play. Over- nancy or fertility, and information on adolescent noncoi- all, 43% of teens have participated in vaginal play and tal activities has been scarce. 40% have experienced penile manipulation.’ What are ‘post-sexual revolution” teenagers doing? A significant number of teenagers report having In what ways has the AIDS epidemic affected how participated in oral sex. The results of one survey of adolescents behave sexually? How has adolescent sex- American adolescents indicated that 41% of 17- to 18 ual behavior changed over the past 10 years, and in year-old females had performed fellatio and 33% of the what ways has it remained the same? The following males had performed cunnilingus.’ In other research, 69% summary of the research findings of recent studies on percent of sexually-experienced, male and female high adolescent sexual behavior may help to answer some of school students reported giving and receiving oral-genital these questions. stimulation.’ Twenty-five percent of virgin males and 15% of virgin females reported either giving or receiving oral Noncoital Behavior sex. In any case, both sexes are more likely to have Most research on adolescent sexual behavior has participated in cunnilingus than in fellatio, and 80% of been fertility-based and has emphasized intercourse, nonvirgins have participated in at least one type of oral contraception use, and unplanned pregnancy. A limited sex. The results of this same study also indicate that amount of information exists on noncoital sexual behav- slightly more teenagers have given or received oral sex ior among teens. than have had intercourse (53% v. 50% for males, 42% v. One study of 13 to 18 year olds from throughout the 37% for females). The researchers concluded, based on country found that 85% of American teens have had a these data, that: “Boys are more likely to have had inter- boyfriend or a girlfriend. Forty-five percent had one at course than to have given oral-genital stimulation and are the time the study took place! In the same study, 88% of more likely to have given oral-genital stimulation than to those polled reported that they had kissed someone of have received it. Girls are as likely to have received oral- the opposite sex - the majority of them (97%) by the genital stimulation as to have had intercourse and are time they were 15 years of age. Females tended to have more likely to have done either than to have given oral- their first kiss at a younger age than males. genital stimulation to a bo~.“~ Adolescents also engage in various forms of petting Many adolescents also report that they masturbate. behavior. At age 13, 20% of males report that they have One study of 13 to 18 year olds found that 46% of males

SlECUS Keport, October/November 1989 6 and 24% of females have masturbated! For males, the to 7P?? of unmarried college females have engaged in percentage increases with age; it does not appear to be sexual intercourse; 3*4*7s~‘752% have engaged in inter- age-linked for females, Most teenagers (PO%), who mas- course at least once a week! In Canada, by the fast year turbated during their teen years, began doing so before of college, 77% of the males and 73% of the females age 15.’ Close to one third (31%) of those who had mas- have had intercourse at least once.13 turbated reported feeling no guilt. Those adolescents At all ages, males are more likely to report having had who reported they had masturbated were also more intercourse than are females.QJ2 In some areas of the likely to have had intercourse.’ country, they are, perhaps, as much as three times as likely to have had intercourse .I8 And, in a summary of First Intercourse several studies conducted across the country, it was As the following statistics indicate, a significant share noted that 15;1% to 42.6% of adolescents, 13 to 18 years of American adolescents have experienced sexual inter- of age, have had three or more sexual partners !O course. Surveys of American adolescents have found that the overall, average age of first intercourse ranges Same Gender Sexual Behavior from 16 to 16.9 years ,3,4but some teenagers begin to In some instances, sexual activity in adolescence in-- have intercourse shortly after puberty? eludes same-gender, sexual behavior. Findings from one Researchers have consistently found that the propor- study indicated that 5% of 13 to 18 year olds have tion of sexually-experienced teens increases with age PS participated in some type of same-gender, sexual activity One study reported that 4% of 12 year olds in the during adolescence. l Another report noted a higher in- United States have had intercourse at least once .5 Recent cidence of homosexual behavior among male adoles- studies have found that 14% to 76.4% of 7th to 12th cents, Past research has described a 17% to 37% in- graders, from across the country, have had intercourse cidence of homosexual activity to orgasm, on at least on at least one occasion. 4&7~9~*o~11Additional studies one occasion, among young American males,1gv20In a sur- have discovered that 23% to 55% of middle and junior vey of Canadian college freshmen, however, only 1% of high school students have had sexual intercourse at the males and 1% of the females described themselves as least once.c’*” One study found that 20% of 9th graders homosexual.lg were sexually experienced.12 A study of Canadian adolescents indicated that by ninth grade close to one sexual #sdxavio~ and self-Esteem third (31%) of the males, and more than one fifth (21%) Adolescent sexual experiences have an important im- of the females, had experienced intercourse at least pact on how teenagers view themselves. A study of jun- once.13 Moreover, a study of Midwestern teens found ior high school students found thatself-esteem scores that 7% of 7th to 9th graders reported having inter- overall were lower for females than for males? In this age course about once a week. 6 group, while sexually experienced and inexperienced Many adolescents see their first experience of sexual males did not differ in levels of self-esteem* sexually ex- intercourse as a conscious, personal choice, In one perienced females had lower self-esteem than those study, most of the teenagers questioned (87% of the who were sexually inexperienced. Among those who males, 64% of the females) reported feeling no pressure were sexually inexperienced (males and females), no dif- to have intercourse the first time J4 More ‘than half of the ference was discovered. Also, while a history of sexually teenagers in another study said that they had discussed transmitted disease appears to be correlated with a lower their first sexual experience with their prospective part- level of self-teem, pregnancy does not. ner prior to having sex; 1 this was true more often for fe- Another study of 13- to 15-year-old students from Ar- males than for males. In the same study, 35% of the kansas found higher levels of “school self-esteem” Cone’s males and 72% of the females felt sorry or ambivalent own evaluation of one’s academic performance) in those about their first experience with sexual intercourse, who had not yethad sexual intercourse?i No other signi- while 60% and 23% (respectively) were happy about it. ficant relationships were found. Among Canadian A nationwide study of 8th and 10th graders indicated adolescents, having had sexual intercourse was consis- that many adolescents, 62% of the males and 43% of the tently related to higher self-esteem and better mental females, believe that sexual intercourse with a steady health scores in males and in older adolescent femalesf3 partner is acceptable for young people their age. Most, However, consistent with American findings, sexual ex- 76% of the males and 94% of the females, also believe it perience among younger females was related to lower is okay to say ‘no” to sexual participation !5 self-esteem and mental health scores?’ By high school, the numbers increase. More than half (50% to 57%) of high school teenagers have had inter- Contraception Use course at least once.45*69J1J6 One nationwide study of Many adolescents, who have had intercourse, report high school students found that 33% engaged in sexual regular contraception use. More than one third (33% to intercourse at least once a week! In Canada, by the 1 lth 33%) report contraception use every time they engage in grade, 43% of Canadian males and 46% of females have intercourse.“3@ By college, 58% report using some form had sexual intercourse.‘3 of contraception every time they have intercourse f Surveys of college students indicate that the number However, a large number of sexually experienced of individuals having intercourse continues to rise. Be- teenagers use contraception irregularly. According to one tween 80% to 91% of unmarried college males and 70% report, 40% of adolescent females use contraception only

7 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 sometimesl’ Another study fou nd that~.. 42% of teenaners. 19vear-old females.” In 1985, more than one million who have had intercourse (male and female, ages 12 to ’ (i,d31,000) teens became pregnant (109.8 per 1,000 17), do not use contraception or use it only sometime? women, ages 1519), which resulted in 477,710 live Other researchers have found that 27% to 32% of teens birthsz2 One study of Midwestern junior high school use no birth control at all during sexual activity.5J6**s students, grades 7 to 9, revealed that 7.8% of young Many teenagers do use contraception at first inter- adolescent males and females had previously been in- course. The results of one study indicated that 40% of volved in a pregnancy.6 Another study found that 16% of teens reporting sexual experience used contraception at sexually-active girls, 13 to 18 years of age, had been frost intercourse.’ Another study found that 37% of the pregnant (31% of 17-year-olds, 22% of B-year-olds).’ males and 47% of the females, who had intercourse, One report states that more than one in ten women get had used birth control the first time !* This means, how- pregnant each year, with 40% of all women becoming ever, that nearly two-thirds (61%) of males and one-half pregnant before they turn 20?6 Moreover, more than one- (50%) of females used no contraception at first inter- half of births to teens occur outside of marriage !” course.‘* A large share of adolescent pregnancies end in abor- Also, when contraception is used, the method of tion. In 1$X35,416,170 induced abortions were performed choice is not always the most effective one. In one on pregnant teenagers - more than 40% of all adoles- study, of those who reported using contraception at fast cent pregnancies. 22Abortions to teens account for 26% to intercourse, 18% used withdrawal as their method of 30% of all abortions in the United States each year.“pn choice to prevent pregnancy, and 3% used the rhythm One study found that 56% of high school students and method.’ 50% of college students felt abortion was the best solu- Teenagers, who have had intercourse, express a tion to unintended pregnancy.4 In this same survey, 12% preference for birth control pills over condoms as their of high school students and 18% of college students said primary means of contraception . Forty percent of all they would get married and keep the child, while 16% of teenagers (63% of the females), surveyed in one study, all students polled said they would carry the child to said that they preferred to use the birth control pill for term (or encourage that it be carried to term) and put the contraception, while 32% (53% of the males) preferred infant up for adoption. the condom. 5 However, a study of 12- to 14year-old, inner-city, junior high school students found that 47% of Sexually Transmitted Diseases male and female contraception users actually used con- Sexually transmitted diseases are a common conse- dorm and only 12% used birth control pills!* Another quence of poor or inconsistent contraception use among nationwide study of adolescents, ages 12 to 17, showed adolescents. One in seven teens contracts a sexually that 10% of males and 38% of females used pills, as transmitted disease each year8 In fact, nearly one-half of compared to 47% of males and 25% of females who all people treated for STDs are younger than 25: A used condoms. s Other research offers conflicting recent study of Midwestern junior high school students findings, however, reporting that 62% of sexually active found that 6% had, or were suspicious of having, a sexu- female adolescents use the pill, 22% use the condom, ally transmitted disease. 6 Results of a Canadian study in- and 6% use the diaphragm.” Still other findings indicate dicated that 7% of heterosexual male college freshmen that condom use by 17- to P&year-old males, who said and 8% of heterosexual female college freshmen have they used contraceptives during last intercourse, has had a sexually transmitted disease, with 22% of the males more than doubled in the past nine years, increasing and 37% of the females having been tested for some type from 21% in 1979 to 58% in 19887 of STD.‘3 A number of factors appear to be related to effective Acquired Immunodefrciency Syndrome (AIDS), now contraception use. Males, for example, have been found epidemic in the United States, has become a prominent to be less consistent contraception users than females! concern for adolescents in the 1980s. Many believe that One study found that sexually-experienced teenagers, adolescents are at an increasingly high risk of infection whose parents have been involved in contraception with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV> because education, were more consistent contraception users.’ Of of poorly protected sexual experimentation. While rela- adolescents who learned about birth control from their tively few cases of AIDS have actually been reported parents, 91% regularly practiced birth control. However, among adolescents ages 13-19 (352 as of the end of only 28%, of this same group, used contraception at first February, 198Y),23 more than one-fifth of people with intercourse. One-half of those whose parents told them AIDS are in their twenties.8J5 Because of the long incuba- nothing were regular contraception users. Sixty-three tion period of HIV, many of them were likely to have percent of the adolescents, whose parents had taught become infected when in their teens! Most adolescents them that sex was normal and heal&, practiced birth know that HlV can be transmitted sexually between control regularly. l males and femalesp’“J5 and by sharing IV drug needles,‘o*24 but many still have misconceptions about Risk of Pregnancy how HIV can and cannot be transmitted. 8~‘o~35~4Though Inconsistent contraception use among teens is re- most adolescents know that condoms are an effective fleeted in the number of adolescent pregnancies in the way to avoid HIV infection (60% to 86% ),8J5*24and 9 1% of United States each year. In 1384, there were 233 adolescents in one study said that they believed people adolescent pregnancies per 1,000 sexually-active, 15 to their age should use condoms if they have~ex,‘~~* only

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 8 15% to 26% of high school and college students report 6. Orr, D.P. et al. Reported sexual behaviors and self-esteem that AIDS has caused them to change their sexual be- among young adolescents. American Joumai of Diseases of havior.4” In a study conducted among Massachusetts’ childn?n, 1989,143,86-90. teenagers, only 20% of those who reported changes in 7. Sonenstein, F.L., Pleck, J.H. & Ku, L. At risk of AIDS: Behav- their sexual behavior, as a result of AIDS, used methods iors, knowledge and attitudes among a national sample of which are effective in preventing transmission of HIV.* adolescent males. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the Population Association of America, Baltimore, MD, March 31, On the other hand, another recent study found that 1989 condom use among sexually-active males, ages 15 to 19, 8. The facts: AIDS and adolescents. Washington, DC: Center for rose from 21% in 1979 to 58% in 19@3?A survey of Ca- Population Options, 1987. nadian adolescents found that AIDS is a lower priority 9. John, K.E. Teenagers and sex. Zbe Washington Post National concern than is pregnancy!3 Weeklv Edition.~.~. . ..-_1987. -.,~ lanuarv..-. ~., 5._, ~_-1987.38. _,_-. Adolescents participate in a m lmber of behaviors that 10. Rich, R. et al. HIV-related beliefs, knowledge. and behav- are considered high risk for HIV infection, including iors among high school students. A&&WR, 198&j; ‘. 717-721. unprotected sexual experimentation and drug use?5 In 11. Sexually active stud .ents. Parade Magazine, February 1, one study, 5% of adolescents reported having partici- 1987, 14. 12. Bri, ggs, *-LA. ’ Study of youth fmds positive view of family. pated in some sort of same-gender, sexual activity.’ In New Ywrr;-A 1n-es, wn February 26,1984,27. another study of urban teens attending an outpatient 13. King, A.J.C:. et al. Canadian youth and AIDS study. King- clinic, 26% said they had participated in anal sexT6 Of ston, ON: Que :ens University at Kingston, 1987. these, two-thirds did not use condoms. Close to 6% of 14. Polling tee-_-ns about~. sex. Cleveland Pkain Deal&q March 1, 13- to B-year-old males, in one study, had sexual inter- 1987, 10. course with a prostitute .r Intravenous drug use is also 15. Smith, B.J. National adolescent student health survey: AIDS an important concern. Studies have found from 1.1% to fact sheet. Reston, VA: American School Health Association, 6.3% of adolescents, between the ages of 13 to 18, have 1988. injected heroin, cocaine, or other illegal drugs .‘**J”J3 _-16. _-What teens^- really.-... do. I%e .r.Aduiser, 1988,4. . . (2>,6. 1.. Some have estimated that as many as 200,000, or more, If. HayeS, Lo., ea. Kiskmg tne nxure: Aaotescenf sexuaitty, American tee ns have usedIV drugs? pregnancy, and childbearing (vol. 1). Washington, DC: National Academy, 1987. -nia. Smtm,1 ._. ..nP’.n ,, Nenney, S.W. & McGill, L. Health problems and Conclusion sexual activity of selected inner-city middle school students. In summary, today a sizeable portion of teenagers in Jbwnal of Scb ml Health, 1988,56,263-266. the United States are sexually experienced. Some had 19. Fay, R.E. emt al. Prevalence and patterns of sexual contact their first experience with sexual intercourse shortly af- among men. Science, 1 989,243,338348. ter puberty. Unfortunately, a significant number of teens 20. Remafedi, G. J. Preventh-rg the sexual transmission of AIDS who engage in sexual intercourse fail to take effective during adolescence. Journal of. Adolescent Health Care, 1988,9, measures to protect themselves against unwanted preg- 139-143. nancy, sexually transmitted diseases,and the transmis- 21. Young, M. Self-este em and sexual behavior among early sion of HIV. Adolescents express varied feelings related adolescents. Family Lif k Educator, 1989,7 (4), 16-19. 22. Henshaw, S.K.^ -- a^ 1van * Vort, J. Teenage abortion, birth and to their first and subsequent sexual experiences. For pregnancy stal tistics An update. Famtiy Planning Perspectiws, *non -4 oc 0‘ some who have had intercourse, particularlva vourmer, -- ~0-m lYOY, Ll, 0x5& females, the experience has had a negath re effect on a.J.?a V.“.rT C 4.0by.ma*eaent of Health and Human Services. HIV/AIDS their self-esteem. However, for many others, the experi- surveillance. A--itlanta ----, GA- Centers for Disease Control March ence has been a positive one or, at least, a neutral one. 1989,ll. As society continues to fluctuate and change, and as 24. Smith, B. J. National survey reveals teen behavior, new generations of adolescents emerge, it will continue knowledge and attitudes on health, sex topics. Reston, VA: to be important to study adolescent sexuality. In this, American School Health Association, 1988. the age of AIDS, many lives may depend on a better 25. Turner, C.F., Miller, H.G. & Moses, L.E., eds. AIDS: Sexual behavior and intravenous drug use. Washington, DC: National understanding of adolescent sexual behavior. Healthy, Academy, 1989,73-185. satisfying, adult sexuality also may depend a great deal 26. Hein, K. Commentary on adolescent acquired immunodefi- on the earlier years of sexual development - especially ciency syndrome: The next wave of the human immunodefi- those that occur in adolescence. ciency virus epidemic. Journal of Pediatrics, 1989,114, 144- 149.

1. Coles, R & Stokes, G. Sex and the American teenager. New staff at SIEWS as a graduate assistant umking with York: Harper and Row, 1985. S’ClJS’May S. Caidkrone Libra y. 2. Newcomer, S.F. & Udry, J.R. Oral sex in an adolescent population. Archives of Saud Behavior, 1985, 14,41-46.1. 3. Hornaday, A. More sex, less smarts. Ms., October 1986,34. 4. Van Biema, D. What’s gone wrong with teen sex. Pecpk, April 13, 1987,111-112, 115-116, 119,121. 5. Taylor, H., Kagay, M. & Leichenko, S. American teens speak: Sex, myths, TV, and birth control. New York: Planned Parenthood Federation of America, 1986.

9 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 “GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES” For Raising Sexually Healthy Adolescents

Lynn Leight, RN

Certified Sex Educator/Counselor Director/Founder, National Network of Sex, Health, Education (SHE) Centers Assistant Professor, University of Miami, School of Medicine and Nursing

H ow Does One Raise SexuaUy Healthy ual enrichment into a child’s everyday experiences. The Adolescents? world abounds with golden opportunities for the sensi- For months, I have pondered one of the most tive caregiver who recognizes the infinite expressions of difficult assignmentsposed to me in my 20+ years as a a child’s sexuality. But, what about the child who has sexuality educator: How does one raise sexually healthy grown to adolescence deprived of such golden opportu- adolescena I am not talking about infants or chilclven nities? In search of the answers, I went directly to the now. I am talking about individuals who have managed source. I asked classesof secondary school students - to mature to puberty and for whom - now at the peak ranging from the academically-gifted to those assigned to of their sexual unfolding - a master plan is being The Center for Special Instruction - to join me in this sought to initiate or augment their sexual health. Never search. mind that their foundation is the one laid down since birth or that what has already been done cannot be un- Attaining Sexual Health as an Assurance of Present done. The mission is to begin now- with the person as and Future Happiness she or he is, now- and with what they have and Our first task was to define sexual health. The defini- know, now. tions offered by the students ranged from “Not getting Does this sound difficult? For me, it quickly became ‘knocked-up’ unless you are using protection,” and analogous to a fourteen- or fifteen-year engineering en- “Feeling comfortable with your body and all of its good deavor that has produced a uniquely individualistic and strange feelings” to *Being caring, honest, respon- building. The discovery is made, however, that it may sible, respectful, and proud of yourself.” be necessary to remove or redesign the midsection of One student questioned: ‘If a person possessesall of the building, and to realign the building with the the virtuous qualities associated with being sexually existing foundation, as it is “at risk* of collapse. There is healthy, but is a homosexual, is that person still consid- an interesting aside: the building appears to be stable; it ered sexually healthy?” A short discussion ensued about could defy all odds, adapt to its defects, and become a current theories related to homosexuality, with the group “Leaning Tower of Pisa.” concluding: this lifestyle may be considered healthy if it Experience has taught us that certain adaptations will is a satisfying way for a person to express his or her sex- shore-up a building, just as we know that certain quali- ual affection. Cultural variances of acceptable sexual be- ties will enhance an individual’s sexual health. As edu- havior were raised, and aberrant or unhealthy sexual en- cators and counselors, we are familiar with the formulas counters were described as those that are physically and that when initiated at birth are calculated to produce emotionally harmful, exploitive, and forced upon another sexually healthy children - and we readily employ against their will. buzz-words like positive role models; trust and security; All of the students shared the common goal of attain- nurturing touch; relaxed; consistent; nonverbal and ver- ing sexual health as an assurance of present and future bal communication; honesty; self-pleasuring; positive happiness. They valued sexual knowledge as a means of body image; gender identity; assertiveness; rational deci- increasing their self-esteem and for avoiding an unplan- sion-making; sensitivity awareness; androgyny; kind- ned pregnancy. STDs and AIDS were not a primary con- ness; compromise; and, of course, the most magical one cern. They concluded that being sexually healthy would of all, self-esteem. In my book, Rai.Mg Smlly Healthy allow them more time to concentrate on “finishing Children, I provide a treasure-trove of “golden opportu- school, getting a job, and making ‘alotta’ money” - their nities” for creatively integrating such buzz-words of sex- most frequently expressed goals. In addition, they

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 10 viewed sexual health as a means to having more fun, night job now. Or possibly his girlfriend is pregnant, and and to being a better lover and future parent. he is consumed with fear, guilt, and anxiety. Parents - followed by the media and peer pressure Maybe if the teacher utilizes this detention time in a -were held most responsible for an adolescent’s sex- creative fashion, this ordinary everyday experience will ual health status. However, students felt that their par- be transformed into a valuable sexuality education op- ents were too preoccupied with their lives and careers, portunity. and that conversations at home were, most often, fleet- ing, goal directed, and demeaning: “Hi, I’m eating out, Example II: dinner is in the oven”; “Clean up your room”; “Don’t be Jamie is achieving academically. His passion is to help so stupid!” Generally, the students felt unappreciated, people, but he is certain that his career choice of nursing and few remembered the last time their parents had is a clear indication that he is gay. paid them a compliment. Countering this, they said: If his college advisor or career counselor senses this “When I’m a parent, I will talk to my children about golden opportunity, when Jamie asks about the gender how they are feeling.” breakdown for his career choice, maybe Jamie will finally The desire to please parents was unanimous. How- be able to air his concern about sexual orientation. ever, few of the students considered disappointing a parent a primary deterrent in avoiding an unplanned Example III: pregnancy - interrupting their education and their Brenda refused to return for a three-week checkup freedom took precedence. Students also scoffed at their after her abortion because her doctor had scolded her parents “Do as I say and not as I do” lifestyles. Some for her carelessness. girls spoke, with pride, about the open relationship they If her physician had acted emphathetically, and util- shared with their mothers, but few girls or boys ex- ized the abortion as a golden opportunity for positive pressed sharing such a relationship with their fathers. learning, maybe s/he would have been able to help Discipline by parents was interpreted as a sign of caring Brenda focus her energies on achievable goals and by most students in the group. It was almost as though would have thereby reduced the risk of a subsequent they vied for the distinction of having the most restric- unwanted pregnancy. tive parents. In fact, they ridiculed parents who neglected to carry out their dictums: “If my parents Example IV: stuck to a curfew it would be easier for me to say, ‘Not The pharmacist was able to transform Jerry’s embar- now.“’ Many of the students indicated that they sought rassment at buying condoms into a golden opportunity, surrogate parental advise from other family members when s/he complimented Jerry on his brand of choice and friends, caring teachers, and assorted school per- and candidly explained the virtues of adding nonoxynol- sonnel. 9 to his chosen method of protection. Gathering the facts from teenagers themselves, can we develop a dynamic master plan that will allow Example V: adolescents to get on with the job of becoming sexually Uncle Stan recognized Billy’s refusal to attend school healthy - one that differs from the multicollaborative, socials as a golden opportunity to tell Billy about his community models that have been designed by adults own adolescent fears and successes, including the time to increase teens’ basic and technical skills, earning ca- his penis became erect in church for no apparent reason, pacity, and life options? The answer is, “Maybe” and the time that he had to masturbate to relieve his sex- ual tension after viewing an X-rated video, “Golden Opportunities” Although grand-scale models - laden with incen- Example VI: tive grants, interagency task forces, and the merging of Judy felt that she might not be able to mend her best public and private sectors - are bound to make a friend’s broken heart. Her best friend also indicated that difference, maybe the master plan is simply you and she could not approach her divorced parents for com- me. We can make the real difference by listening care- fort. fully to young people and by transforming the everyday Judy utilized her ineptness in providing consolation events in their lives into “golden opportunities” - as a golden opportunity to borrow some books from the golden opportunities such as the following: library that she thought might provide her friend with new insights and courage. Example I: Scott has been late for school three days in a row. Example WI: This unacceptable behavior has earned him five days of Jose is not an academic achiever, but his parents have detention in a dingy, congested room, where conversa- used his low academic scores as a golden opportunity tion is prohibited. His teacher has the option of abiding for providing positive affirmation and for encouraging by the edict to maintain silence or s/he could transform Jose to develop achievable skills that will compensate for this experience into a golden opportunity for caring his low academic status. Jose has become the captain of communication. Perhaps Scott has been late for school the football team, which carries with it responsibility and because there is a conflict at home or because he has a prestige, and whether he chooses to go to college or

11 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 not, he is learning to become a good carpenter like his ned pregnancy, or pressure from her peers. dad. Jose likes himself and feels secure about his future plans. He also has decided not to become a parent just The Answer to the Question yet; he is having too much fun and is not ready to give The world abounds with golden opportunities for up his freedom nor his future just for a “quickie without those who are motivated by their inner voices and/or by a rubber.” outer influences to have a dream or to attain a particular goal. Adolescents can redesign their sexual destiny - no Example VIIE matter what their legacy - with our help. This help can And then there is Debbie. Debbie is a teen who has be initiated with a kind word, an outstretched arm, and/ basically raised herself without the love and guidance or the sensitivity and willingness to help a young person afforded sexually healthy children. Debbie is the “Lean- recognize the golden opportunities they have to create ing Tower of Pisa” who has learned to adapt to her de- new dreams, hopes, and realities. fective foundation. Maybe the answer lies within each of us as we look to Debbie has decided that she is going to be. a doctor, the adolescent not as a relentless problem but as a val- with or without her parent’s interest or fmancial sup ued solution. Personalizing our approach to raising sexu- port. She knows a lot about sexuality: about how to ally healthy adolescents requires respectful time-sharing, compromise and to be competitive, assertive, decisive, sonar sensitivity, and the confidence and commitment goal-oriented, eclectic, realistic, and playful. She has that we each do make a difference. Clearly, the answer transformed her parents neglect into a golden opportu- to the question - “How does one raise sexually healthy nity to tap her resources and talents. She will let adolescents?”- lies within them and within you and me. nothing come between her belief in herself and her And, certainly, the time to begin this mission-is now. ability to succeed - not a momentary thrill, an unplan-

Robert Selverstone Becomes President of the SIECUS Board of Directors

Robert Selverstone, PhD - a psychologist with a private practice in Westport, Con- necticut and a teaching and consultancy career - has become the president of the SIECUS Board of Directors Selverstone has been a teacher, counselor, and administrator in public secondary schools since 1961. He currently teaches courses on such subjects as values, human sexuality, personal growth and interpersonal relations, drug education, adolescent development, and group process. A nationally recognized authority on sexuality educa- tion, Selverstone’s presentations combine a therapist’s skill, in providing a comfortable environment in which to consider difficult issues, with an educator’s ability to foster meaningful learning. He has been presented with the Connecticut Education Associa- tion’s “Human Relations Award” for his contributions to the education of children in human relations, and the human sexuality course, which he developed for Staples High School, has been designated as one of the exemplary sexuality education courses in the nation. Selverstone has offered hundreds of workshops and presentations in professional and community settings. Among these have been invited sessions for the Connecticut Association of Boards of Education, the National School Boards Association, and the National Association of Student Councils. Selverstone has consulted on a number of awardwinning educational filmstrips con- cerned with adolescent sexuality, teen suicide, family crises, and drug abuse; has been featured on local and national radio and television shows; and has been quoted in publications ranging from the Journal of Research and Development in Education to Family Circle, Cosmopolitan, and Parade magazines. Recently, he collaborated in the production of a SIECUS training program for the New York City Department of Mental Health to enable therapists to communicate more easily with their clients about sexual issues as they relate to AIDS prevention.

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 12 From the Executive Director

SIECUS AND ABORTION RIGHTS

Debra W. Haffner

I am frightened and I am angry. The recent Supreme activity to restrict abortion around the country during the Court decision in Websteru. Reproductive Health Ser- next legislative session. Florida has already held a special vices lays the groundwork for the ultimate reversal of legislative session on abortion, and Louisiana legislators legalized abortion services for all women in the United have introduced bills to reinstate pre-1973 abortionlaws on States. It portends returning to a time when well-to-do their books. Several elections this November will feature women traveled great distances for abortions, when less contests between anti-choice and pro-choice candidates. well-off women sought out illegal abortions at great cost I am somewhat optimistic, however, that these recent and danger, often risking their lives, and when poor threats to reproductive freedom are causing a new ground- women were forced to try dangerous self-abortion proce- swell of activism to protect reproductive rights, and that dures or bear unwanted children. politicians are beginning to respond. For example, this It is important to remember that the Supreme Court has summer the House of Representatives voted to overturn not overturned Roe v. Wade - yet. I find little comfort, the existing law and permit the District of Columbia to use though, that of the four Justices defending reproductive its own funds to subsidize abortions for poor women by a rights, three are men who are in their eighties. In my vote of 219-206. The vote marked the first time in a decade darkest thoughts, it seems altogether possible that the that the House has allowed public funds to be used to fund right to an abortion will no longer be available when my abortions. According to a report in the Alan Guttmacher daughter becomes a teenager during the next decade. Institute’s Washington Memo (August 22, 19891, a major The Supreme Court decision gives the states new undercurrent of the debate was the political climate follow- authority to restrict and regulate abortion services. ing the Websterdecision. They report Representative Les Specifically, the Webster decision upheld a Missouri law Au Coin, a Democrat from Oregon, as saying, “All across the that physicians must use medical tests to determine the country, a newly energized pro-choice movement is going viability of a fetus whenever a woman is more than 20 to say to supporters of amendments like this, ‘If you are weeks pregnant, and that state funds, employees, and anti-choice, when the voters go to the ballot box, we won’t hospitals may not be used to provide abortions or to choose you.’ ” Recent decisions against the nefarious ac- encourage or counsel women about abortions. The Court tions of Operation Rescue also help to support access to chose not to rule on the section of the Missouri law which abortion services. declared that “life begins at conception.” The SIECUS Board of Directors has voted to make the The Supreme Court also agreed to decide three addi- protection of reproductive rights a major component of tional cases this term. Two of the cases, Hodgson v. SIECUS’ advocacy program during the coming year. A Minnesota and State of Ohio v. Aknm Center for Repro- central part of the SIECUS mission statement is to protect ductive Health, involve laws that require minors to notify the right of individuals to make responsible sexual choices. parents or a judge before abortions. A case from Illinois, The right to a safe and legalized abortion is a critical Turmck v. Ragsdale, tests a law that requires abortion component of sexual rights, which include the right to clinics to meet the same costly building requirements as information, the right to family planning services, the right hospitals, which, in effect, is an attempt to outlaw free- to affirm one’s sexual orientation, and the right to sexual standing abortion clinics. These cases, to be decided lives for the young, the disabled, and the elderly. during the current term, are likely to further restrict wo- SIECUS has had a long standing policy in support of men’s access to safe and legal abortion services. reproductive rights. Our position statement on abortion Moreover, there is likely to be a burst of legislative reads:

I3 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 “SIECUS deplores any attempts to undermine women’s reproduc- tive health rights. SIECUS believes that every woman, regardless of age or income status, has the right to obtain an abortion under safe, lega& confidential: and dignified conditions, and at a reason- able cost. SIECUSsupports the 1373Supreme Court decision which affirmed tbe constitut$onal rights of a woman to seek and obtain an abortion, and advocates that no one be denied abortion services because of age, inability to pay, or other economic or social circumstances. ?V%en making a decision to continue or terminate a pregnancy, SIECUS believes a woman is entitled to have full knowledge of tbe alternatives available to her and to bave com- plete and unbiased information and counseling concerning the nature, the consequences, and the risks both of the abortion procedure and of pregnancy and childbirth.”

The anti-abortion national constituency are also the volved in protecting reproductive rights. You have an leaders in lights against the right of young people to important role to play in this struggle at the local, state, and receive sexuality education. The National Right To Life, national level. We hope that many of you will join us on the American Life Lobby, Concerned Women of America, November 12, 1989, National Mobilization Day, either in and the Eagle Forum (several of whom pay memberships your state or in Washington, D.C. It is essential that you to SIECUS) are all anti-sexuality education as well as anti- know the opinions of your representatives on sexuality abortion. In a recent book published by the American Life education, birth control, and abortion services, and that League, Killers of Children, sexuality educators are view- you let them know that you will be voting on these issues. ed as pushing abortion on children: “The callous persua- Your national representatives need to hear from you siveness used to teach students about abortions has so regularly on the bills and issues facing them that support desensitized students to abortion that should a sexually reproductive rights. A recent bill, introduced by Congress- educated girl become pregnant she submits to having women Pat Shroeder and Olympia Snowe, calling for these psychologically mutilating operations with about as funding for contraceptive research, needs support now. much concern as having a manicure.” Several anti-choice We encourage you to become involved with local organiza- leaders have admitted publicly that they are against the pill tions fighting for reproductive rights. Many of you, because and the IUD, because they may be perceived as having of your professional affiliations, can play a critical role in abortifacient properties. When asked what advice she was providingtestimonyatlegislativesessionsandinadvocating giving to marriedpeople, one leader said, “self-restraint.” for broad support for sexual rights. Indeed, it often appears that anti-choice representatives All of my family participated in the April March on would prefer to have sex go away entirely, or at least re- Washington. I explained to my four year old, who proudly stricted to a few times during one’s life for procreation helped carry the SIECUS banner, that we were marching purposes only. because no woman should be forced to have a baby if she SIECUS has joined a broad-based coalition of health does not want one. I recently spoke at an abortion rights and advocacy organizations, formed following the Webster rally in my home town. Over 500 people from this small decision. The coalition is concerned about the decision’s town congregated on the village green to demonstrate impact on the availability of reproductive health services support for reproductive rights. My daughter’s comment and about the overall ramifications for public health. It will was, “Are more people trying to force women to have coordinate advocacy efforts around legislative and elec- babies?” My answer was, “Yes. We are going to stop them.” toral activities at bothnational and state levels. SIECUS staff SIECUS is committed to playing an important role in will serve on the public health strategy task force and will protecting reproductive rightsin the coming years. Joinwith assure that calls for reproductive rights include calls for us to protect these rights for everyone - ourselves, our sexuality education, contraceptive services, and health wives, sisters, friends, loved ones, and for our young care services for low income people. daughters. I call on all SIECUS members to become actively in-

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 14 SIECUS NEWC

SIECUS RECEIVES BEQUEST: In June, SIECUS was noti- workshop in five additional communities in 19% Let us fied that it had been left a large bequest from the estate of know if you are interested in cosponsoring this workshop Miss Myra Bauer. Miss Bauer, a supporter of SIECUS since in your area. Call AIDS Program Associate Carolyn 1967, often wrote SIECUS over the years about her concern Patierno for more information. for sexuality education. Never married, she felt that the negative messages her mother had received about sexual- SIECUS TRAVEL!% Executive Director Debra Haffner trav- ity, and the early lack of sexuality education in her home, eled to Atlanta, Kansas City, Minneapolis, and Seattle this had caused her problems for much of her life. In 1983, she summer to present workshops and keynote speeches on wrote a letter to us, saying “maybe there should be a law sexuality education and AIDS prevention. Upcoming that everyone who wishes to get married should be able to speeches and workshops are scheduled this fall for Chi- pass a test as to how well grounded they are in the ability cago, Idaho, Pennsylvania, New York, and Connecticut. to give good sex education and how wholesome their Consider SIECUS as you plan your next annual conference attitude toward sex is.” Miss Bauer died at the age of 91. or meeting. SIECUS is grateful to Miss Bauer for her generosity and commitment to promoting sexuality education. This be- NEW SIECUS BROCHURE: SIECUS has developed a new quest will allow us to develop a Board-designated reserve brochure describing the organization and its services. fund for future planning. If you are interested in discussing Please let us know if you would like copies to distribute at planned giving, please contact Executive Director Debra conferences, meetings, training workshops, and class- Haffner. rooms. Help us get the word out about SIECUS member- ship! MEMBERSHIP SURVEY: Almost700 members responded to this summer’s membership survey. We are very appre- REDUCED JOURNALS NOW AVAILABLE TO SIECUS ciative of all who took the time to complete it. A report on MEMBERS FROM THE SOCIETY FOR THE SCIENTIFIC the survey will appear in the December/January issue of STUDY OF SEX: The Society for the Scientific Study of Sex the SECUS Report. has extended the opportunity to SIECUS members to sub- scribe to its publications at a reduced fee. The excellent SIECCJS JOINS NATIONAL PRO-CHOICE COALlTION: Journal of Sex Research is now available to SIECUS mem- SIECUS has joined a national coalition of health, education, bers for only $37. The Society newsletter is $10 for SIECUS and civil rights organizations to develop strategies in light members. Please direct your request to Nora Christensen, of the recent Supreme Court decision. SIECUS is a cospon- SSSS Subscription Services, PO Box 208, Mount Vernon, sor of National Mobilization Day, November 12,1989, Iowa 52314. We are delighted to offer this service to our and asks all members in New York, New Jersey, Pennsyl- members. vania, Maryland, Virginia, and the District of Columbia to join with us in Washington, D.C. Call Executive Assistant DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.: SIECUS is pleased to Elena Deutsch for more details. offer the option of American Express credit card purchases of SIECUS publications and computer searches. We can AIDS TRAINING WORKSHOP: On October 13-15, more now process your requests with your American Express than 100 professionals from New York City participated in card over the telephone. the first SIECUS’ CDC-funded workshop designed to assist health and mental health professionals in developing FAX: You can now fax your requests to SIECUS for library necessary skills for counseling clients on the sexual as- services, technical assistance, announcements of meetings, pects of the HIVepidemic. Topics coveredincludedsexual and new materials. Our fax number is 212/99&5132. attitudes assessment, cultural issues and communication aboutsexuality, motivatingIVdmgusers toadoptsafersex THESIECUS REPORT NEEDS YOU: Do you look at new techniques, counseling clients who are HIV positive about materials on a regular basis? Would you like to write book sexuality issues, and pregnancy counseling for women or audiovisual reviews? Do you have an article you would who carry the virus. Plans are underway to repeat this like to write on a sexuality issue? Please call or write the workshop in Indianapolis (January) and in Atlanta (De- Director of Publications Janet Jamar for more information cember or January). SIECUS plans to repeat this on how you can be published in the SLECUS RepOti.

15 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD About Sexuality and Other Important Issues

A SIECUS Annotated Bibliography for Parents

S IECUS affirms that parents are, and ought to be, the If the listed resources are not available in your local book- primary sexuality educators of their children. Many parents store, they may be able to order them for you. If they are hope that their children’s most important sexual education will unable to do this, contact the publisher, whose address and happen, not in a classroom or on the playground, but at phone number is provided after each listing, directly. home. They, therefore, seek educational materials that will SIECUS does not sell or distribute any of the listed publica- help them teach their children about the physical, emotional, tions, other than SIECUS publications. However, all of the ma- and social aspects of sexuality as their children reach each terials listed are available for use at SIECUS’ Mary S. Calderone new stage of development, from infancy through puberty to Library. late adolescence. The books listed here cover the entire range Copies of this bibliography can be purchased from SIECUS of topics that parents may wish to discuss with their children, Publication Department at the following costs: l-4 copies/$2.50 from early physical development to the dilemmas of late each, with a stamped, self-addressed, business-sized envelope; adolescence. in bulk, 5-49 copies/$2.00 each and 50+ copies/$l.25 each, Both parents and children are concerned with anatomy, plus 15% postage and handling (p/h). SIECUS, an independent puberty, sexual behavior, love relationships, marriage, preg- nonprofit organization affiliated with New York University, is nancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. Some parents choose located at 32 Washington Place, Room 52, New York, NY to discuss these subjects in a relatively factual, value-free man- looO3; 212/673-3850. ner; others seek materials that support particular religious, This bibliography was prepared by Daniel M. Donohue, moral, or ethical values. Fortunately, both types of materials SIECUS Librarian, with the assistance of Arno Karlen and Mau- are available. SIECUS urges parents to seek resources that re- reen Buja, October 1989. flect their family’s values.

TALKING WITH YOUR TEENAGER: TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD ABOUT THE INTIMATE CIRCLE: THE SEXUAL A BOOK FOR PARENTS SEX: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FROM DYNAMICS OF FAMILY LIFE Ruth Bell C Levi Zeiger Wildflower BIRTH TO PUBERTY Miriam tire&erg C Otto Ebrenberg A highly recommended book for Mary S. Calderone G James W. Ramey A theoretical and liberal book that parents that deals with the challenge of Designed for parents to use with chil- explores the sexual dynamics of family raising teens to be healthy, responsible dren from birth through puberty, this book life and how they affect children’s sex- adults. While covering life changes presents an overview of each stage of ual development. Also discusses and from puberty through adolescence, it development, the questions children are clarifies sexual feelings that exist in addresses teenagers’ emotional health likely to ask during each stage, and the an- families and the sexual messages par- and sexuality, and the communication ;;er; for those questions. 1982, 154 pp., ents send to their children. Includes in- skills parents must have to cope with . . terviews that provide insight into how their children’s dilemmas and deci- Ballantine Books, Division of Random families deal with these issues. 1988, sions. 1982, 127 pp., $8.95. House, 201 E. 50th Street, New York, NY 335 pp., $8.95. Random House, 201 E. 50th StreeC, 10022; 212/751-2600, 800/638-G4m. Fireside Books, 1230 Avenue of the New York, NY 10022; 212/751-2&W, Amerhs, New York, NY 1002Q 212/ BOO/G~B-G4GO. STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART: HOW TO Gw- 7000, 800/22.+233G. TALK TO YOUR TEENAGERS ABOUT THE FAMILY BOOK ABOUT LOVEANDSEX A PARENT’S GUIDE TO SE (Revised Edition) Carol Cassell TEENAGE SEXUALITY Mary S. Gakierone G Eric Johnson A practical guide for parents on how to Jay Gale First published in 1981, this straight- help their children become healthy and This guide discusses the role of par- forward, comprehensive guide to hu- sensible sexual persons, this book includes ent and family in an adolescent’s sexual man sexuality has been expanded and a section entitled “Practical Sessions,” education, and it provides guidelines on thoroughly updated to contain new in- where parents can compare their responses how to communicate with teenagers. formation on AIDS, adolescent sexual- to various situations with the author’s 1987, Covers the biology of maturation, sexu- ity and pregnancy, homosexuality, and 254 pp., $6.95. ality, and the special situations and the sexuality of older adults. Contains a Fireside Book, 1230 Auenw of the needs that confront adolescents. 1989, reading list, arranged by age group. Americas, New York, NY 1002q 212/G98- 242 pp., $18.95. 1989, 288 pp., $18.95. 7000, 800/223-2336. Henry Holt G Co., 115 W. 18th Street, Harper and Row, 10 E. 53rd Street, New York, NY 10011; 212/88G-9200. New York, NY 10022; 212/20 7- 7oo0, 800/242- 773 7.

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 16 SHOW ME YOURS: parents create and maintain good commu- no guarantees” and “to support parents, UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S nication with their daughters. Exolains basic teachers and others in guiding children SEXUALITY physiology and physic;1 changes through through life with one less fear.” They RonaM and Juliette Goldman puberty. The closing section contains short stress that a basic understanding of hu- This book is designed to help make &uatidnal stories that may serve as catalysts man sexuality is essential in learning adults more aware that children are for communication between parents and about AIDS and suggest the means for sexual beings and to alert them to the daughters. 1989, 147 pp., $12.95. facilitating this understanding. 1988, 149 educational opportunities and prob- Tor go&s, 49 W. 24tb Stnzet, New York, pp., $14.95. lems in this developmental area. The NYlOOlq 212/741-3100, 800/221-7945. Netwod Publications, A Division of first two sections present studies that ETR Associates, PO Box 1830, Santa support the idea that children are sex- SEX EDUCATION FOR TODDLERS Cruz, CA 95601-l 830; 408/438-l. ual; the third section provides practical TO YOUNG ADULTS: A GUIDE ways to help adults and children feel FOR PARENTS TALKING WITH YOUR CHILDREN comfortable with their sexuality. 1988, James Kenny ABOUT LOVE AND SEX 2Gapp., $7.95. A sex positive guide for parents -writ- Leon Somers G Barbara Somers Penguin Books, 40 W. 23rd Street, ten from a Catholic point of view - on Developed to help parents become New York, NY 1001 q 212/33 7-5200, how and when to offer education on the comfortable talking with their children, 8GQ/G31-3577. physical aspects of human sexuality. Pres- this book traces children’s sexual ents Catholic values on contraception, abor- development, from birth through ado- HUMAN SEXUALITY: THE FAMILY tion, and homosexuality, and urges parents lescence, and offers guidance and infor- SOURCEBOOK to accept and love their children regardless mation, in dialogue form, on how to Sharon Goldsmith of their choices. 1989,65 pp., $4.25. educate children about sexuality. The This sexual reference tool for the St. Anthony Messenger Press, 1615 SIECUS staff found some of the sections whole family, presented in a question- Messenger Street, Cincinnati, OH 4521@ objectionable, but the overall content and-answer format, covers the various 513/241-5616, 80@325-9521. well-balanced. 1989, 178 pp., $16.95. issues that arise for people at different New American Library, a d&&ion of stages in their lives. The fist section SPEAKING OF SEX MOTHERS Penguin Books, 40 W. 23rd Street, New focuses on the sexual concerns of AND DAUGHTERS York, NY l&U@ 212/337-52C0, 800/ adulthood; the second, on those of Carol Kleiman C Catbarine E. Kleiman 631-3577. childhood. 1986,385 pp., $15.95. This candid look at female sexuality, C. V. Mosby, 11830 Westline Indus- written by a mother-daughter team, offers PARENTS TALK LOVE: THE trial Llriue, St. Louis, MO 6314G,, 314/ insights on the many basic and sensitive CATHOLIC FAMHY HANDBOOK 87283 70, 8OM325-4177. issues associated with sexuality. 1987, 212 ABOUT SEXUALITY pp., $14.95. Susan K. Sullivan C Matthew A. Kawiak RAISING A CHILD CONSERVA- Bonus Books, lG0 E. Illinois Street, Chi- This handbook is recommended for TIVELY IN A SEXUALLY PERMISSIVE cage, IL 60611; 312/467-0580,8OC/225- Catholic parents at home and for dis- WORLD (Revised and Updated) 3775. cussion groups in parish settings. Each Sol Gordon G Judith Gordon of the nine chapters concludes with a Written with warmth, concern, and RAISING SEXUALLY HEALTHY list of questions for discussion. 1985, intelligence, this new edition includes CHILDREN: A LOVING GUIDE FOR 164 pp. $7.95. chapters on accepting one’s sexuality, PARENTS, TEACHERS, AND CAREGIVERS Paul& Press, 997McAllhur Both- becoming an askable parent, self- Lyran Letght vard, Mabwab, NJ 07439 201/825-7300. esteem, the role of schools in sex edu- Designed to help parents discuss their cation, and the questions most fre- values when educating their children about quently asked by parents and children, sexuality, this guide provides a sexuality Pamphlets with suggested responses. 1989,24 1 inventory for parents and explains the sex- pp., $8.95. ual development of children from infancy OH NO! WHAT DO I DO NOW? ME.% Fireside Books, 1230 Avenue of the to adolescence. 1989, 2&i pp., $17.95. SAGES ABOUI SFXUALI’N: HOW TO Americas, New York,, NY 1002q Rawsm Associates, 115 5tb Awnue, New GIVE YOURS TO YOUR CHILD 212/G$M- 7ooO,8OCv223-233G. York, NY 10003; 212/614-l 400, 800/25 7- SIECUS Eight hypothetical situations are of- 5755. fered to help parents analyze their CHILDREN AND THE AIDS VIRUS - feelings, formulate their responses, and A BOOK FOR CHILDREN, PARENTS HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD become more relaxed in discussing ANDTEAcHERs ABOUT SEXUALITY sexuality issues with their children. Rosemarie Hat&err Pkanned Parenthod 1983, 23 pp., $2 for single copies, plus Accompanied by black-and-white This practical, comprehensive, no-non- 15% /h. Spanish edition available. photographs, this text, written in large sense guide to enhancing communication S PECUS, 32 Washington Place, 5th print for younger children, with in- between parent and child is divided into Floor, New York, NY 10003; 212/673- depth discussions for older children in three major sections: general concerns of 3850. smaller print at the bottom of the page, parents; the basics of biology and sexuality HOW TO TALKTO YOUR CHILDREN explains facts about HIV/AIDS and its of children of different ages; and the special ABOUT AIDS transmission. 1989,48-pp., $4.95. situations, such as sexual abuse, that may SIECLJ.. Ckarion Books, 52 Vanderbilt confront parents and their children. 1986, Desi ned to help parents talk with Amue, New York, NY 1001 z 212/973- 201 pp., $7.95. their chtf dren about AIDS, this pamphlet 1190. Doubleday, 245 Park Avenue, New York, offers basic information about AIDS and NY 10017; 212/7Gw3oo-X47g. idelines appropriate for specific age PUBERTY: AN ILLUSTRATED evels 1989, 16 pp. Single cop free MANUAL FOR PARENTS AND DOES AIDS HURT? 5th a self-addressed, stamped , busi - ness-size envelooe. DAUGHTERS Marcia Quackenbush G Sylvia Villareal Angeka Hynes The authors’ intention in writing this A readable book, designed to help book was Yo offer hope in a world that has

17 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 THE FINAL FRONTIER Other-Gender Friendship

Carol Cassel, PhD Director, Institute for Sexuality Education and Equity

U ncharted Territory sex. Lin says that other-sex friendships are beneficial be- Can men and women really be just friends?That is cause: “Women are usually better at communicating than the tricky and timeless question the movie, When Harry are men, and so when their male friends are depressed Met SaZZy... has posed once again. Part of the reason they are more likely to get the men to express their this issue never seems to be put to rest is that while the feelings than are men’s male friends. When men are idea of man and woman as lovers may be fertile ground depressed, they go out and do things, which is what for sociologist, songwriter, and poet, it is undeniably fa- they tell their depressed women friends to do.” l Clearly, miliar turf. However, the concept of man and woman as women learn something from men that they cannot learn friends, pals, buddies, and chums is still uncharted terri- from other women, namely, what it is like to be a man tory. It might well be the final frontier in human rela- and men learn something from women they cannot learn tionships - the one realm of social experience where from other men, namely, what it is like to be a woman. few people of either sex have gone before. Women and With all of these advantages, why do male/female fri- men cherish the ideal that friends are there for each endships remain dark, vaguely disturbing, and largely other, even when it is not convenient, fair weather or unexplored ground? Many men and women hesitate to foul, but they usually think of friendship as something develop a friendship with someone of the other sex be- comfortable and tame compared to the uncertainty and cause, hidden under their contemporary, upbeat atti- unpredictable fires of romantic passion. Although most tudes about equality in sex roles and relations, there still people say they agree about the value of other gender lurks a menacing suspicion about male and female friendships, most alliances seem to dwindle off some- friendships. time after kindergarten. Discussion of female/male friendship is certainly Conscious Barriers missing from the sexuality education of most young Is it sexual jealousy, the ancient green-eyed monster, people -both at home and at school. Yet female/male that makes the path toward female/male friendship a friendship could be one of the most important aspects rocky road full of barriers, pitfalls, and emotional con- of healthy sexuality. Friendship between men and flict? True enough. Men may be jealous of their female women could break down the obstacles of sex-role lover’s intimacy with her woman friends, and certainly stereotyping and could become the basis of a wonderful women can be jealous of their male lover’s male new way for the sexes to deal with each other - as camaraderie, but none of these emotions holds a candle equals. Unlike sex, which can be pressured, or love, to the anxieties that are aroused by a male and female which can be unrequited, friendship is founded on mu- friendship. There appear to be two reasons for such sex- tuality and thrives on equality. When women and men ual jealousy. First, the heady, but fragile, sense of being are friends, they violate traditional norms of dominance Number One in the life of the person one loves is feared and passivity and sabotage the segregation of fraternity to be jeopardized by any other emotionally intimate and sorority. bond that one’s mate may experience. Second, there is Most studies about friendship argue that, at all ages, the fear that one’s mate may get swept away in physical both sexes prefer same-gender friends and get less help, intimacy with the friend. In short, the possibility that loyalty, intimacy, stability, and support from their other- friendship could lead to something else or that it will gender friendships. However, there is another point of cause sexual jealousy are most frequently cited as the view. Sociologist Nan Lin, in researching what makes reasonswhy friendship between men and women will people mentally healthy, found that the people who not work or cannot work. have close friendships are less anxious and depressed Another barrier to men and women becoming friends than those who do not - and that those with the few- is the concept of the “Intimate Pie. “According to this no- est negative symptoms have a confidant of the other tion, love, a.k.a. intimacy, is finite. There is only so much

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 18 to go around. If too much gets taken by a friend, there a point. Children’s best friends are supposed to be of the will not be enough left for one’s “primary” relationship. same gender. As they grow older, however, homophobia So, some people put their energy into their spouse/ tends to dampen these same-gender friendships before lover exclusively, as indicated by the oft-repeated: ‘My they become “too intense.” For adults, friendships be- spouse/lover is my best friend.” This statement may or tween the “girls” or between the “guys” are common and may not be completely accurate, but it usually seals acceptable, as long as they are clearly auxiliary - secon- each of the partners off from the possibility of having dary to committed heterosexual relationships. other friends - even those people who might not be- Granted, there are some indications of change. The come another “best” friend, but might become a “good” social rule book of today now includes a chapter on friend, nonetheless. In one study, for example, all of the male and female relationships where they are not mates single men, and three out of four single women, said or lovers. Yes, a woman and a man, even if they are that they had at least one friend of the other sex. But, married, but not to each other, can be friends, spend among the married people studied, 47% of the women time together, and “hang out” with each other. But do and 33% of the men had no other-gender friends o,ther read the fine print: the friendship between a woman and than their spouse. Although married people may have a man is acceptable, and even encouraged, tfthey work couple friendships, one-half of all husbands and wives together, are in the same professional field, or are “net- do not have even one primary friend - of either sex - working.” Having a discussion at the office, over lunch, independent of their spouse? or at a McDonald’s on the way home from work is When you combine a person’s fear of losing his or acceptable; taking in a movie, going out to an upscale her fair share of a partner’s attention and affection with restaurant, or skipping out for a ride to the mountains is sexual jealousy, you have a formidable obstacle to definitely not. It is assumed that if a man and a woman friendships with people of the other sex. share mutual interests and/or have a mentally-close rela- tionship, something physical is bound to develop. This The Subconscious Underbrush means that many men and women, who genuinely like A first step on the path toward female/male friend- each other, will hesitate to spend too much time to- ship is to clear away the subconscious underbrush of gether, as it may give others the wrong impression. Pat prickly messages that exist about the nature of such re- Curtis, an editor of Network magazine, put it this way: lationships. Most people grow up inundated with war “Imagine yourself chatting at a cocktail party. You men- stories about ‘75e Battle of the Sexes”- examples of de- tion that Sally is your best friend. Everyone smiles and feat and victory from a stockpile of old wives’ and hus- thinks that’s nice. If you say your husband is your best bands’ tales and, too often, real life adventures. Men friend, that’s even better. But, if you announce that and women learn to behave like actors in the morning Sally’s husband is your best friend, be prepared for soaps - always plotting clever ways to best each other. raised eyebrows and more than a few ‘tsk tsk’s’” 3 Uncountable numbers of jokes, movies, and television Beyond the parameters of what others in their social sitcoms - from yesteryear’s I Love Lucy to the trendy circle or business world may think, a woman and a man CO& ShOW- follow the same script. The sexes are who are friends at the office are often under scrutiny by opposite. Relationships between men and women are a each other’s “significant other.” The intimacy of such a contest of nerves, a game based on the law of the urban female/male friendship may be viewed as a threat to the jungle: “Do unto others before they do it to you.” balance of mutual dependency that is shared by the At the same time, with a deft sleight of hand, people spouses/lovers. The “business” friend may be seen as a are solemnly taught the “Noah’s Ark &on. “A man mi- rival. And, even when the rules for acceptable and off- nus a woman, and vice versa, is unfulfilled, one-half in limits behavior are strictly followed, feelings of jealousy, search of a whole. Women and men are meant to be competition, anger, and insecurity can, and often do, lovers, destined to walk two-by-two, to wed, and then arise. to have children. This emphasis on the biological destiny of “couples” fuels the widely held assumption The Sexual Aspect that all relationships between men and women must One possibility that may have to be faced, by all in- include mating to be meaningful. volved, is that the sexual aspect of an other-gender Overall, a major hurdle for men and women to over- friendship may very well exist. It may, in fact, be the come in quest of friendship is the persistent notion that foundation upon which the friendship is built. Most rela- all female/male interactions are about seduction. Thus, tionships do start because of a spark of sexual chemistry. a platonic male-female relationship is automatically re- What seems to distinguish male/female platonic garded with misgivings. Society assumes that past pu- friendships, however, from male/female sexual relation- berty any transaction between the genders has to be ships is not so much the absence of sexual attraction, but linked to sex for males, and romance, which might lead rather the decision not to become sexualIy involved with to sex, for females. Ironically, society puts great store, each other. There are countless reasons why people may especially during our “wonder years”, in the virtue of choose to be friends rather than lovers, including differ- boys having what are called ‘@@iends”and girls ences of temperament or lifestyle and the fact that one or having “boyflends. ” both parties may already have a romantic involvement. Same-gen~rftiendhps are socially acceptable up to The addition of sex might add uncomfortable complica-

19 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 tions to the relationship or destroy it altogether. How- References ever, to deny the existence of sexual attraction is not only unhealthy but foolish. Most male and female 1. Pogrebin, L.C. Among friends. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1987,335. friends are able to recognize and appreciate their mu- 2. Rix, Henri. Fears, taboos, sex can thwart male-female friend- tual attraction without feeling compelled to act on it. ships. Albuquerque Tribune, August 1, 1989, C-1. Moreover, although the sexual chemistry in a friendship 3. Curtis, P. Forbidden friendships: Are they worth the risk? may always be strong, the feelings usually do peak, Network, May/June 1987,29. subside, or go into low gear. 4. Walthers, R. Sexual friendship: A new dynamics in relation- However, there is another twist in the theme of ship. San Diego, CA: Libra Publishers, 1988, 29. other-gender friendship: the man-womanfrendship that 5. Pogrebin, 335. does in.&& sex. “Feelings that arise in a sexual friend- 6. Pogrebin, 330. ship may not be the eternal love sworn by married couples, but these emotions are nonetheless real,” states psychologist Richard Walters. “They range from genuine liking, tenderness, and fellowship, through various de- I I grees of romantic fusion, all the way to love. A sexual I friendship may be most erotic, or it may involve intense emotional, even spiritual ties.” 4 The particular problem AIDS EDUCATION with such a relationship is that, at some point, either of the partner’s expectations may change: they may decide ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE they want romance or they may read something into the relationship that is not there. FROM SIECUS

Nonsexist Friendships Raise Provocative Human Sdty Issues Through a cooperative agree- Another provocative aspect of the new alliances ment with the Centers for Disease formed between women and men is that they mean a Control, SIECUS is now conducting shake-up of the old order of society’s sexist gender roles. Undoubtedly, the prospect of men and women AIDS education assistance being unabashedly intimate friends - platonic or erotic - raises provocative issues in the study of’healthy sexuality and relationships. In the public arena, as Ms. editor, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, observed, “When men and women stop being ‘just’ their roles and start seeing each other as people...sexism had better hang onto its britches.“5 These changes could give rise to uncertain- ties and anxieties. Pogrebin emphasizes, “Your wife might meet a man who is not ‘just’ the butcher, a neigh- bor, her boss, or a man on the make; she might meet a man who knows her as a person. Your husband might meet a woman who is not ‘just’ his secretary, the kids’ also be reac :hed by phone or mail to pediatrician, a neighbor, or a cocktail waitress; he might meet a woman who interests him as a person.” 6 informally discuss-and answer ques- In this post-sexual revolution/women’s movement/ tions concerning HIV infection, AIDS affirmative action era, men and women have become and sexuality. partners at home, in school, and at the office. But can In addition, SIECUS will pro- they become true friends? In the end, the movie’s (when Harry Met Sally.. .> answer is, “no.” Outside of vide, on request, computer searches Hollywood, the answer may be “yes.” Male/female fri- on various AIDS-related topics; back endships are feasible and may even become prevalent. issues of the SIECUS Report that have However, once the issue of friendship is resolved, another matter will loom on the horizon. When tradi- focused on AIDS; and SIECUS’ anno- tional gender roles cease to dictate which half of tated AIDS bibliographies for lay au- humanity are one’s potential friends and which half are diences and professionals. one’s potential lovers, one is then faced with a new Feel free to call our office at dilemma - how does one combine mutual respect and admiration, chemistq, commitment, and trust to make 212/673-3850, between the hours of love, love, and friendship, friendship? And, are they the 9:OO a.m. and 5:00 p.m. EST. We look same or are they different? forward to working with you. I I

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 20 Books l Books l Books l Books

She counsels parents on how to de- STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART: HOMOSEXUALITY: A PHILOSO- fine sexuality and deal with the pain of HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN- PHICAL INQUIRY AGERS AROUT LOVE AND SEX an ended intimacy, and in the chapter Michael Ruse focusing on homosexuality, counsels Carol Cassell, PhD New York: Basil Blackwell Inc., parents of gay children while also pro- New York: Simon and Schuster, 1988, 299 pp., $19.95. 1987, 254 pp., $16.95. viding a lesson on prejudice and toler- ance. In addition, she speaks candidly, and sadly, of the many teens who have Homosexuality: A Philosophical Given the choice of participat- become involved in sexual relation- Inquiry, by Michael Ruse, should ships and have chosen to risk preg- ing in a workshop or reading a come with a warning label: This nancy rather than raise the topic of book, many people would choose volume contains explicit accounts contraception with their parents. the workshop because of the inter- of how tbg, think we got this way. Most useful, however, may be the action involved. In Straigbtj?om Lesbians, gay men, and feminists tips she offers for easing into a discus- the Heart, they can have both as should turn directly to page 173, sion with teens who do not want to the author brings the personal in- where the book states: “It matters talk with parents about sex because volvement of a workshop to the not how the orientation was they have learned that it sets off a lot printed page. Moreover, Cassell caused., .’ Ruse starts off with a re- of adult embarrassment, anxiety, and has the ability to see, and to proj- cap of the major arrested- sometimes anger. Tips on when to ect, both the serious and the development schools, including open the subject of sexuality - while humorous side of love and sexual- psychoanalytic and adaptational driving somewhere, reading the Sun- ity, which makes this book in ad- analysis. Then he reviews post- dition enjoyable and informative day newspaper, or watching soap Freudian extensions and replace- operas on ‘IV. And, tips on how much reading. ments, with particular attention to to say and how personal to make the Straight from the Heart is a social learning and cognitive discussion. Teens will adore her guide for parents and all adults development theories. Ruse does admonishment to parents: “Discuss, who care for teens. It provides not stop and wonder, however don’t dictate.” facts, for those who lack accurate briefly, whether Freud was sexist, also is an information; ways to initiate dis- Straightfrom the Heart and unfortunately ideas of heter- excellent guide for the younger gen- cussions, for those who cannot osexism per se are never directly eration. Cassell’s many years of experi- seem to find the time and place; introduced. ence as a sex educator have kept her and practice sessions, for those From there, it is on to endocri- in tune with the issues which genu- who become tongue-tied at the nology, the similarities between inely concern today’s teens. These are thought of talking about love and humans and hormone-manipulated not “sperm-and-egg” issues, but “How sexuality with teenagers. rats, and photos of external geni- do I know I’m in love?” and “When am Cassell acknowledges the par- talia of androgen-insensitive “gen- I ready for sex issues?” ental dilemma of wanting sons and etic males” before and after estro- All families with teens or preteens daughters to feel comfortable gen therapy. This “descriptive would do well to make room on their about their sexuality, but not analysis” ends up with speculation coffee tables or, better still, at their wanting them to be involved with on what might be known about dinner tables for sex too soon. She also presents Straightfrom the sexual orientation from Darwin and Heart. It is a four-star print workshop. parents with opportunities to an- other important pioneers of socio- swer some of the sticky questions Reviewed byJanet Alyn, BA, biology. When Ruse says, “our con- teens ask, and to compare their AASECkertified sexeducator and clusion is - must be - that we answers with her answers, which sexuality education consultant. know depressingly little,” any are straightforward and nonjudg- reader who has managed to plow mental. through the first half of the book

21 SIECUS Report, October/November 198; by then knows why.. .chapter and executive director of Broadway is a member of the editorial boards verse. (And you thought John Cares, Inc., former director of the of the Journal of Sex Education and Boswell’s Christianity, Social Toler- AIDS Professional Education Pm- Therapy and Adolescent Psychiatry. ance and Homosexuality was a gram for the New York City Depart- tough read!) ment of Mental Health, Mental Reta- The remainder of the book rdation G Alcoholism Seruicesand charts the roots of modern phi- former executive director of Gay OFTEN INVISIBLE: COUNSELJNG losophy and [unlethical concerns Men’s Health Crisis, Inc. GAY SKLESBIAN YOUTH about homosexuality. Critical Margaret S. Schneider thinking, about biological nature, Toronto, Ontario M5B lL2: Central utilitarianism, disease and illness, Toronto Youth Services, 27 Carlton the Jews, the Greeks, Aquinas, THEBATI’LEANDTHE Street, 3rd floor; 1988, 135 pp., Kant, and the rights of society and BACKLASH $8.50. individuals, has been argued better David Hechler elsewhere. Ruse has written a Lexington, MA: D.C.Heath and Com- valuable synopsis of these peren- pany, 1988,376 pp., $19.95. In the 197Os, social service pro- nial debates, however. viders in the Province of Ontario For anyone grappling profes- began to openly address the needs sionally or personally with the There are many books on sexual of lesbian and gay youth. Testi- whys of human sexual diversity, abuse of children, most of which fall mony from experts agreed that this is essential, dangerous read- into the categories of social science, these youth were not receiving the ing. Rarely, can all this particular pulp, or popular literature. The Battle same quality of care as that avail- information be found in one book, and the Backlash, however, presents a able to heterosexual youth. In the laid out so painstakingly by one new angle on this serious problem. 198Os, the Ministry of Community author. However, for folks already David Hechler’s style of research and and Social Services funded the Sex- familiar with the twin threats of writing offers a fascinating picture of ual Orientation and Youth Program “causal determinism” and “reduc- the many contradictory forces that ex- to provide social service personnel tionism,” Homosexuality sheds ist in the area of child sexual abuse. with research, training, resources, more light on knee-jerk bias than The three sections of the book - and case consultation for lesbian it does on homosexuality. The Battle, The Backlash, and Conclu- and gay youth. Research coordina- The book is dangerous because sions, Solutions and Future Directions tor for the program, Margaret the author summarizes extensively - trace the development of our coun- Schneider, has written this book to his subjects’ frequently bogus logic try’s awareness of the problem. The fulfill part of the program’s man- and flawed science. Matter-of-fact style of author as investigative reporter date. Those who work in the areas use of phrases like, “It is not im- - interweaving interviews, case of education and social services for plausible to assume.. .,” “Let us not studies and comments - gives the lesbian and gay youth may be fa- forget...,” and “It could be.. . ,” book a fresh, interesting appeal. miliar with Schneider’s writing as pages on end, make this book a The Appendix contains verbatim she has conducted workshops and literary minefield for the neophyte excerpts of interviews with an incest written articles over the past several or superficial reader. Ruse care- survivor; a representative of NAMBLA years. fully qualifies research, points out (North American Man/Boy Love Asso- Part I, ‘Understanding Homo- inconsistent logic after he sees it, ciation ); an offender therapist; a de- sexuality,” provides the overall con- and makes known his own bias, tective; and a defense attorney. There ceptual framework for the book. It but without reading the book are a relatively large number of refer- covers such topics (those often dis- cover-to-cover one could pick up ences for a nonscientific book, but cussed in other publications) as: more than a few bad ideas, These there are some omissions; for example, definitions of homosexuality, gen- affectations would not be neces- there is no reference to Gene Abel, der roles, and stereotypes; lesbian sary if this book were called The who is a well-known writer in the and gay lifestyles and relationships; Genesisof Homophobia. Ruse is field. Not a scientific treatise, The Battle and homophobia. However, shackled by his subjects’ persistent and the Backlash has something for Schneider expands the usual dis- view of homosexuality as a devi- almost everyone. Well-researched and course on homosexuality with a ant phenomenon. well-written, the book is worthwhile chapter on adolescent development To discuss the commonality of reading for people interested in the and the coming-out process, and hundreds of millions of people as subject. with a chapter by A. Damien Martin though they were somehow col- Reviewed by Peter T. KnoepJer, on the stigmatization of the gay or lectively unusual is reductionist in M.D., clinical professor in the @art- lesbian adolescent. The authors the extreme. That point of view in- ment of Psycbiatty and Behavioral have written on these topics in herently defines us - instead of Sciences,University of Washington, other places, but here their writings society’s treatment of us - as the Seattle:AASECTcertified sextherapist are placed within a context of problem. and sex therapy supen.&or: andpre- understanding homosexual identity Reviewed by Rod&r McFarlane, sident of SSSVWestemRegion. He also development.

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 22 Part II describes ‘Counseling market. That is, people who already ally matters is what sex means to Strategies and Issues.” Schneider have, and want to sustain, true equality you, how it fits into your relation- cautions that sexual orientation is in committed, monogamous relation- ship, and what you and your part- not always the issue that brings ships. The author promises that “alt- ner use it for. Are your motivations young people into counseling. She hough love may change, it will re- compatible, and if not, why? When describes a two-step strategy for main.” He repeatedly claims that after are you looking for the same things evaluating whether sexual orienta- the reader learns how to break down from sex, and when are you not? tion has any bearing on a young intimacy barriers, “the spark of sexual He asks, how else, besides sex, can person’s problems and then dis- passion and desire will be forever you satisfy some of your needs?” cusses situations in which sexual present in your relationship.” Therapist readers will identify with orientation may be the main focus As a seasoned sex therapist, I usu- Nowinski’s very human, first-person of attention: the adolescent who is ally issue a “Caveat reader!” warning approach to his therapy examples: distressed at being lesbian or gay for books that make claims based on “I decided not to trifle. I look at and wants to be heterosexual; the over-idealized possibilities. I see many Jack. I felt my pulse quicken.” adolescent who is confused about clients who think they are seriously About a client’s attractive wife, he his or her sexual orientation; and flawed, deficient, or “sick” simply be- candidly states, “Looking into her whether an adolescent should cause they are normally unable to live violet eyes, I felt my heartbeat come out to the family. She offers up to the idealized model held up by quicken just a little.” He describes sensitive and helpful suggestions the books they have read. Neverthe- therapy as a “mystery story where for handling these complex issues less, once the publishing hype is laid the clues change depending on and illustrates the problems with aside, authors like Nowinski do offer who’s uncovering them.” case examples, The final chapter good ideas and insight. Joseph Now- Always returning to his theme of the book discusses the implica- inski, who also wrote Becoming Sat& that true intimacy depends on tions for workers and adrninistra- fied: A Man’s Guide to Sexual Furjll- open, playful, unguarded intimacy, tors who are delivering social merit, is a clinical psychologist, cur- equality and acceptance, he uses services to lesbian and gay rently affiliated with Elmcrest, a private exercises to demonstrate how adolescents. The book concludes psychiatric hospital and treatment cen- feelings of powerlessness come with a reading list and glossary. ter in Portland, Connecticut. from being one-down. He discusses This book is important reading A Lifelong Love Aflair assumes the gender-role conflict (distinguished for professionals who work with principal causes of low sexual desire from sexual orientation conflict) as lesbian and gay adolescents, as it and alienation are based, not on per- a problem, not of gender, but of provides a clear guide for dealing sonal deficiency so much, as on rela- being out of touch with sexuality with complex developmental and tionship inequality. His central thesis is and describes how the person with counseling issues. The book is not that nothing turns a partner on better a very obvious problem often acts the first of its kind, but it is a big than being treated as an equal. as a shield for a partner too inse- step forward in providing a re- In Part I, “Falling Out of Love: cure for self-examination. source for counselors. It brings to- Problems of Intimacy and Sexual De- For many readers, chapter four gether, in one place, a more com- sire,” Nowinski establishes the current will be worth the price of the book. prehensive and detailed examina- post-sexual revolution context of cau- It immerses the reader in an inno- tion of the issues than has been tious, at times fearful and even para- vative participatory exercise, mov- attempted before. noid, thinking. He then describes how ing a coin from one end to the Reviewed by Robert Schaecher, couples, from every walk of life, fall other of a drawn line on the page. MSWj CSW, Health Coordinator, out of love and how this problem can The coin’s position represents the The Calhoun School, New Yock. be prevented or cured. reader’s location, at different times, Nowinski lists the many reasons along a philosophical continuum people give for having sex, simply ac- between juxtaposed contradictory knowledges that there are many mo- quotes from two influential AmLONGLOVEAFFAIR: tives for sex, and lays the matter to rest psychotherapist/writers - Erich KEEPING SEXUAL DESIRE ALIVE by the eighth page. He makes the im- Fromm, who says our deepest need IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP portant distinction that couples set is to overcome separateness, and Joseph Nowinski, PhD themselves up for conflict when the Frederick Perls, who says, “I do my New York: Dodd, Mead & Com- partners try to use sexuality for incom- thing and you do your thing.” pany, 1988, 244 pp., $17.95. patible purposes. That is, when one Part II, “Working on Love,” be- partner is looking for intimacy, gentle gins with the assumption that one’s affection, and love, while the other is relationship with others is similar to This relationship, self-help wanting intensity and release. For this the nature of the relationship with book, like most others, deals with author, the problem is not nonsexual oneself. Readers can work alone, intimacy, honesty, trust, power, sexuality, but the ruse of sexuality for and/or together, drawing time line, self-esteem, body image, and fan- different purposes at different times or stress management, and sexual in- tasy. It is aimed with high expecta- using it for several different purposes terest graphs. tions toward today’s readers’ at the same time. He says, “All that re- Part III, “Getting in Touch,” in-

23 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 eludes sexual fantasy and body posed to sexual) exercises. In fact, she men hate women or are incapable image exercises. Part IV, “The says her step-by-step, seven-week reg- of loving them. She says, Don Heart of Love,” is about self- ime is just about guaranteed to put the Juan’s sexual, all-doing, little-feeling esteem and trust. Part V, love back into making love. bravado is a smokescreen for his “Liberating Passion and Intimacy,” Anticipating reader resistance to ac- own fears. Even before pubes- returns to the central theme of tually commiting to the regime, she cence, he learned to fear giving or egalitarian relationships as the pro- uses the whole book to defend and receiving tender affection, because mised land of true liberation. promote hands-on homework. She de- culture taught him to fear feminine This book falls into the relation- scribes her out-and-out salesmanship feelings in himself or in his part- ship enhancement category. It is as deliberate overcompensation for ners. Today’s woman is the product recommended for those who al- years of cultural numbing. To mini- of the sexual revolution, which may ready have good relationships and mize reader “yes-but”-ing, she ingeni- have been by, but not necessarily want more. ously engages in two simultaneous for, women. Today’s woman has Reviewed by Joan Nelson, EdD. conversational dialogues, one with the become the yuppie equivalent of (See the following reivew, al&o writ- reader and one with imaginary therapy the time-honored, old-fashioned, ten by this reviews, for biographi- clients. She asks both, “Are you doing nice girl, show girl, or timid little cal information). sex or making love?” The secret to girl, all of whom are frightened of making love is to “shut up and let your intimacy. She is allowed to feel her bodies make friends.” The key is that powerful sexual desires, but she is HOW TO PUT THJi LOVE BACK one touch is still worth a thousand forced to choose between men as INTOMAKINGLOVE words. The magic lies in taking the fo- sexual objects or as prospective Dagmar O’Connor cus from the genitals to the feelings, marriage partners, but not both. New York: Doubleday, 1989, 222 thus opening up a whole spectrum of Like men, women are now suffer- pp., $16.95. sensual and emotional experience - ing from controlled emotions, con- the stuff that love is made of. trolled or fraudulent orgasms, and However, since we are not equip- heart attacks (not of the romantic Dagmar O’Connor, Director of ped to handle real closeness, the exer- kind). Both men and women are the Sex Therapy Program, Depart- cises also evoke the “Help-I-feel-too- starved for affection, and they are ment of Psychiatry, St. Luke’s- good feelings” that scare us. This “love frightened of their own healthy ag- Roosevelt Center, New York, trans- anxiety” is what dissociates love from gression. lates the language of clinical sex sex, and leads to one-note sexuality. Whether the issue is feminism, therapy into the language of love. The exercises, like real-life experience, childhood masturbation, commit- Her first book, How to Make Love stimulate unconscious memories of the ment and fidelity, or safe sex, the to the Same Person for the Rest of closest we have ever felt to another secret of How to Put Love Back into Your Life focused on how to keep human being. We are like sensuous Making Love, according to O’Con- sex alive. She says that How to Put infants vulnerably merging with our nor, lies in the kind of “pointless the Love Back into Making Love is mothers. The unconscious fear (for pleasure” she teaches in her Sexual the flip side and examines why we men and women) is that this ultimate Expansion Workshops for normal, separate love from sex, how we feminine essencewill engulf or aban- functioning couples. She is talking suppress our emotions to “get don us, stripping us of our indepen- about going back to a straightfor- through” sex, and how we use dent power and identity, or that we ward, Masters and Johnson-based, purely genital sex to avoid loving will lose control of our emotions. primordial, experiential approach. feelings. She states, “People are In stressing the need for seemingly As a seasoned sex therapist, using sexually adept but emotionally pointless, do-nothing pleasure, she similar techniques, I am convinced hungry. The equipment still works. pokes fun at the goal-oriented, hav- she is right. I only hope therapists It’s making love that’s the heart- ing-it-all mentality of our society that will read her book, nonjudgmen- breaking problem.” has squeezed the feeling out of rela- tally and nonpolitically, and that Like many other authors, tionships. She says we run so fast “be- couples will be seduced by her in- O’Connor says that all the books cause we yearn to lie still; we are liv- novative, minimize-the-resistance on super orgasm, G-spots, sexual ing lives of superindependence be- “yes-but” dialogue to actually fol- focus, erotica and “technica” can- cause we yearn to be endlessly stroked low her powerml recipe. I regret not put sex and love back together and comforted like a child.” And, we that the book limits itself to com- again. The missing ingredient in are afraid that if we ever give in to all mited couples. I have used similar the recipe is, of course, intimacy. these yearnings, we will never be able exercises to help the lonely singles Whereas other post-liberation/age- to live independently again. who need it most. of-AIDS authors have backed off Her refreshing approach to gender Reviewed byJoan Nehon, EdD, from the hands-on approach to myths, old and new, is centralized un- who is a sex educator/therapist in sexual intimacy in favor of a new der the headings, “Tough Guys Don’t private practice in San Francisco climate of verbal candor, O’Con- Smooch” and “Liberated Women Don’t and conducti Lt@e,Love, and Inti- nor continues to (strongly) recom- Have Heartthrobs.” Here, she decries macy Skills Workshops for singles mend physical (sensual as op- demeaning, self-serving theories that and couples.

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 1 Conference/Seminar Calendar

THE IX WORLD CONGRESS ON SEXOLOGY, December 3-8, tab: American Society of Addiction Medicine, 12 West 21 ~989. Caracas, Venezuela. Plans are also being made for the Street, New York, NY 10010,212/206-6770.

25 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 Recommended Resources

AIDS CONDOM GUIDE: For Men and Women Lovers, text and drawings by Eric Berg (1987, 12-panel foldoverpampbkt). This explain how to talk to one’s partner Publications from the American Col- adult-oriented, very explicit pamphlet (ac- about AIDS “even if it seems embar- lege Health Association (1988,4x9 tual photographs are used to demonstrate rassing.” Although the “modern” car- foldomerpampbkts):THE HIV ANTI- how to put a condom on a man’s penis) toon characters appear not too intelli- BODY TEST discusses what the test is; describes, in seven steps, exactly how to gent and some phrases seem a little what results of the test, positive and carefully place a condom on the penis; cute, the overall pamphlet is concise negative, mean; where one can be when to wear one and how to get used to and the checklist of questions, to ask to tested; whether one should be tested; using them; what to do after sexual inter- see whether one is at risk and the the importance of pre- and posttest course; how to choose condoms; how long checklist of “do’s” and “don’ts” for counseling; and what happens with they can be kept; and what lubricants/sper- “modern lovers,” are to the point and the test results. The overall information micides should be used. 10 MINUTES useful. WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW is important and accurate but the for- THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE (1989, ABOUT THE AIDS ANTIBODY TEST, mat is somewhat nonengaging and 33,4~81/2, 20 pp. bookkt) written by Stephen written by Lucas Strang, explains what confusing. WHAT ARE SEXUAILY de Francesco, concept and layout by Peter the test is; how it works; what negative TRANSMITI‘ED DISEASES? defines Napolitano, photography by Charlie Pitza- and positive test results mean; whether STDs and discusses specific STDs such rello (incorporates dancer/models and set they are always right; who does the as chlamydia, genital herpes, genital designs for artistic appeal and not as fur- testing; whether the results are confi- warts, trichomoniasis, pubic (crabs) ther elaboration of the text). “By now, dential and how to assure that they will lice, gonorrhea, syphilis, and AIDS; nearly everyone has heard of AIDS. And be; counseling; the advantages and dis- interrelated STDs; and safer sex. Also everyone seems to have something to say advantages of taking the test; and who includes STD, AIDS, and herpes hot- about AIDS. Some of this information is should consider having a test done. line numbers. The above noted reser- correct. Some of it is just plain wrong. But Overall, the pamphlet offers clearly vation also applies here. WOMEN & most of it is so clouded with prejudice, presented, useful information and a AIDS is an excellent, sensitively-writ- moral judgment and fear that it is simply well-considered explanation of the ten pamphlet that offers lots of infor- useless. Yet the facts about AIDS are very ELISA test, which is designed to be fol- mation and a list of hotlines that will simple. These facts, which everyone should lowed, after a second retesting, by the help fill in the gaps. It discusses trans- know, can stop the fear and help save Western Blot or IFA in order to obtain mission of the virus; the HIV antibody lives. Education is our most powerful accurate results. Network Publications~ test; sexual decisions that reduce risk; weapon against the spread of AIDS. So PO Box 1830, Santa Cruz, CA 95OGl- guidelines for safer sex; relationships; take about 10 minutes now to learn this 1830, 4OLV4384080.Prices: 50/$14; pregnancy; and protection. It also ad- basic information.” Explains what AIDS is; 200/$48; 500/$100; looo/$17q plus dresses, nonjudgmentally, both straight what causes it; how HIV infection occurs; 15%Ph. and lesbian women. American College who can get it; and what safer sex is. It Health AssocWion, 15879 Crab& also emphasizes that the above topics only Branch Way, Rock&k, MLI 2085, 3Ol/ take care of the sex part - one must also ~3-1100. Prices:alipamphkts are the keep one’s body in top shape to keep Prevention Programs samepnke. Nonmemberpn’ces are l- one’s immune system strong, “eat right, get for Youth 9$.5@ 10049~$.3@ 500-999/$.22 plenty of rest, exercise and avoid alcohol 10000.20 (no mixing). and drugs, including cigarettes! Don’t get SMARTMOVES (1988, A Program Kit stressed out or spend time worrying about from Boys Clubsof America, with loose- Publications from Gay Men’s Health getting sick. A positive mental attitude is kaf bindersand additional marerials). Crisis: LOVING, SHARING, CARING worth a pharmacy full of medicine.” Also, “Fact: By 12th grade, 80% of all young (1989, 35/ax8’h,fokiotzrpampblet) testing is discusse d and what do do if you people in the nation are periodic drink- written by Craig G. Harris, designed by know someone with AIDS - “The most ers. Fact: Almost two-thirds of high Alex Smith, photography by Viqui important thing you can do for a person school seniors have tried illicit drugs. Maggio. “AIDS has taught us a lot with AIDS is to be a friend. Treat him or Fact: By age 17,57% of all teenagers about caring. We have seen how car- her exactly as you would want to be have had sexual intercourse, and this ing people can be those who are ill. treated under the same circumstances.” year more than one million teenagers At the same time we have also learned Useful are the hotline numbers given will become pregnant.” To address that if we are to stop the spread of thoughout the text for the specific informa- these issues, Boys Clubs of America AIDS, we must care for ourselves, our tion noted. The booklet is dedicated to the developed and tested a comprehensive loved ones, and our community.” This memory of Joseph M. Leonte III, Coordina- new program for the prevention of excellent pamphlet, with sensitive tor of Publications 1986-1988.Gay Men’s drug and alcohol use, and early sexual photos and an esthetically pleasing Health Crisis,Inc., 129 West20th Street, activity. Aimed at youth, 10 to 15 years format, will be useful by itself or as a New York, NY 10011, 212/807- 7517.Prices: old, Smati Movesuses a team ap- companion piece with other HIV/AIDS allpampbkts are $.30 each, with a 15% proach, which involves staff, members, information materials, as it discusses discount on $200 or more. parents, and the community, in teach- those aspects that may be overlooked ing young people to master the skills by individuals and organizations when Pamphlets from Network Publications/ that are needed to identify and resist dealing with HIV/AIDS - loving, shar- ETR Associates (1988, 33,4~8*hJ AIDS: peer, media, and social pressures. The ing, and caring. THE SAFER SEX Am I at Risk, A Checklist for Modern kit includes:

SIECUS Report, October/November 1989 26 A Guidefor SMART Operators (41 ing Togetber 03~5pp., $35) has been the National Maternal Child Health pp.), which provides an overview of developed to assist parents of young Clearinghouse, 38tb and R Streets, m the program and describes prevention adolescents in accepting their children’s Washington, DC 2005 7, 202/625840. strategies. sexuality and to help them communicate sexual information and values in an effec- Start Smart (102 pp.), a l&es.sion, tive and comfortable manner. This skills-based curriculum for 10 to 12 year Women’s Health Care Olds in which group members acquire structured, 4-session program includes an accurate information; talk about Peer orientation for parents; puberty pointers; a pressure and media influences; discussion of values, stereotypes, and mes- AN ABNORMAL. PAP: WHAT NOW? pradice role-playing; and focus on sages about sexuality; and suggestions for (1989,3%x8%foldoverpampbkt~. Pro- resistance skiu training. initiating conversations and developing vides the facts one needs to answer communication techniques. Girls Clubs of some of the questions which arise Say Smart (127 pp.), a 12-session, America National Resource Centeq 441 skills-based curriculum for 13 to 15 year when one has an abnormal Pap Test olds to help them develop social skills West Michigan Street, Indianapolis, IN result. Describes what is detected with a for dealing effectively with issues of as- 46202,3 I 7/G34- 7546 Presently the pro- Pap Test (infections and abnormal cell sertiveness, decision-making, coping gram is being distributed only within Girls changes); what might need to be done with stress, and life planning. Clubs of America, but thy hope to make it next (a colposcopy and biopsy); how available soon to the general public. cbll long they may take and how they feel Keep Smart (78 pp.), a &ession cur- for availability andpricing information. (which may help to alleviate some anxi- riculum to help parents understand the realities of Peer and so&I pressure, to ety); and explains what might lx neces- provide upto-date information, and to sary if abnormal cells are found (cryo- improve communication with their chil- surgery, laser treatment, or cone bi- dren. Special Needs opsy). They emphasize that “many women fear that an abnormal Pap Test Be Snarl (90 pp.), an inservice training A WORKROOK FOR PASTORAL CARE means they have cancer of the cervix. guide for s&f, volunteers, and preven- tion teams. OF INDIVIDUAIS AND FAMILIES WITH This is not always or even usually true. SPECIAL NEEDS (September 1988,113 Your Pap Test picks up problems early Smart Ideas (32 pp.), a manual of pp., 6x9 paperback book) compiled and so they can be treated before they be- special events designed to increase edited by Robert C. Baumiller, SJ, PhD, for come cancer.” Family Planning Council community awareness and to foster the National Center for Education in of Southeastern Pennsylvania, 260 support for the program. Indudes pas- Maternal and Child Health. “As a geneticist South Broad Street, Pbiladelpbia, PA ters, a brochure, program logo “repro and a priest, I often have to inform par- 29lOZ, 215/985-2600. Price: $.20 each; sheets,” and a promotional videotape. ents that their newborn child has or is sus- 501+/$.15 each, plus 15% p/h. pected of having a serious birth defect.. . Smart Moues National Prewntion Pro- There is no easy way to bear such news gram, Boys Clubs of America, 771 First Ayenue, New York, NY1001 7,212/ and no set formulas . . ..This reality cannot Choices: be altered, but it can be made more bear- 351-S!ZQ. Price: $150 complete, $50 able if we only recognize the need for without videotape, plus $5p/h. In Sexuality with special services and prayers for both those who are born and die from their birth de- WILL POWER, WON’T POWER: A fects and for those who survive. There is Physical Disability SFXUALITY EDUCATION PROGRAM the need for special facilities of worship (16 mm & Video/Color/60 Minx) FOR GIRIS AGES 12-14. This for disabled and handicapped persons. It Produced for: program focuses on primary preven- is in this context that I believe that the Institute of Rehabilitation Medicine tion of adolescent pregnancy; offers clergy have a unique role and mission to New York University Medical Center age-appropriate curricula and activities fulfill: to begin the process of healing fol- Joan L. Bardach Ph.D., Project Director for girls and young women throughout lowing a miscarriage, a stillbirth or death Frank Padrone Ph.D., Co-Director pre-, early-, and middle-adolescence of a newborn child, by offering special (ages 9 to 18); and takes a comprehen- prayers and services at important mom- Choices is a film which can be used sive approach to helping girls acquire ents; by providing improved access to ne and time again in rehabilitation cilities human sexuality programs and the motivation, information, and skills church worship for those with impaired for avoiding pregnancy during their mobility, or hearing and sight handicaps; any group where issues of sexual in- raction and adjustment to a disability teen years. Will Pow- Won’t Powff and where appropriate, mobilizing the e being discussed. If both parts cannot (80 pp., $35) is an activity-based pro- community to assist families and individu- 3 purchased, Part 1 is a tremendously gram that provides a resource that als; and finally, by offering informed coun- young girls themselves have identified seling to individuals and families )od discussion starter and should not ? missed. as a necessary condition for effective confronted with complex decisions about pregnancy prevention - “the ability to rm Soy/e, Coordinator: Reproductive Health future care and future childbearing in our Id Disabilities Program of the Margaret say and mean ‘no’ while remaining highly technological society. The purpose naer Center of Planned Parenthood. NYC. popular with both sexes” This 3-year, of this workbook, therefore, is to assist the field-tested, T-session program in- pastoral counselor in providing pastoral cludes an introduction; addresses basic care to those with special needs. The assertiveness, identifying pressures, prayers, services, and articles in this work- looking at values, the case for book will assist them in their difficult task abstinence, resisting sexual pressure, and present some of the challenging ethi- ercury Productions and a sister-support system; and then cal considerations involved in counseling.” discusses putting it aII together. Grow- Single c@s are available at no costfrom 17Broadway YC 70077 (212)869-4073

27 SIECUS Report, October/November 1989