Stories of Couples During Their Transition to Parenthood by Helen

Stories of Couples during their transition to parenthood

Helen Attard Micallef

A dissertation submitted in Partial fulfillment of the degree of Professional Training in Systemic Family Psychotherapy

Institute of Family Therapy - Malta 2015

The research work disclosed in this publication is fully funded by the Malta Government Scholarship Scheme – Post-Graduate (Malta), under the Ministry for Education and Employment.

ABSTRACT

This study elicited the stories of married couples, living in Malta during their transition to parenthood. Utilizing narrative analysis, three married couples were conjointly interviewed, to co-construct their stories and experience of their gender identities, in their management and meaning making process of their marital relationship, during their first-born, featuring the Maltese context. The basic findings show that couples are undergoing shifting identities and narratives, as distinct from the dominant socially constructed discourse, of this previously Romanized transitional period and are finding their own distinctive ways through their strengths and resources to strive towards marital satisfaction.

AUTHOR’S DECLARATION

30th September 2015

I, the undersigned, hereby declare that this dissertation entitled ‘Stories of couples during their transition to parenthood’ is an original study carried out by myself and the conclusions drawn herein are a result of my own work, unless otherwise acknowledged by citation.

Helen Attard Micallef Professional Training in Systemic Family Psychotherapy Institute of Family Therapy – Malta

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would firstly like to thank God, for this exceptional learning journey, who has yet again provided me with an enriching opportunity for growth and accompanied me through the milestones of this thesis, sustaining me with hope and perseverance, while surrounding me with persons who love me and tutors who made this voyage unique.

I would like to express my gratitude to my supervisor, Ms. Carmen Delicata, whose expertise, understanding, kindness and patience added extensively to my graduate experience. I am sure that without her constant motivation and encouragement this dissertation would not have been possible. Her guidance, support, attention to detail, hard work, perseverance and scholarship has also served as a model to me as a person and professional.

My thanks and gratitude goes to my husband, Johan, who has transcended traditional male gender roles to be with me and support me throughout this journey, not only with his physical input but mostly with his emotional sustenance, presence and availability. I would like to thank our four-year-old son Kihan, who has patiently sacrificed part of his mother’s availability and presence and attempted with all his capabilities to make sense of this shift, while resiliently striving towards his own journey. I would also like to thank our newborn son Noah, who in my womb accompanied me through this journey, reminding me of the beauty of life with his frequent kicks and his own way of reminding me of his presence. It made my journey less lonely and kept me grounded.

I would also like to thank my parents, who tried in many ways to support me with baby sitting where possible, as well as my two sisters, Sarah Attard who helped me directly with my thesis and Bertha Attard, who both supported me in their own unique ways, both in baby sitting, morally and psychologically.

My very special thanks goes in particular to the participants of this study whose generous availability and accounts were vital to the end result of this dissertation. I

doubt that I will ever be able to convey my gratitude fully, but I owe them endless appreciation for their contributions.

I would like to thank my personal supervisor, Ms Elaine Grech, for being my mentor, my model and my inspiration, by providing me with constant support, care, understanding and reflexivity. I appreciate the way she sees through me, believes in me and offers me continuous hope through her position of coherence and congruence. Without her I would not have pursued in this field and would have surely not have been enriched with as much growth.

My gratitude also goes to all the tutors at IFT-Malta, who each have provided me with a unique experience of growth. My admiration goes to them for venturing on this new experience of providing the first Masters Training in Family Systemic Psychotherapy in Malta, which will help us sustain even more families.

My final thanks goes to my peer colleagues who have made this journey a truly wonderful experience, by providing a sense of a family, support, containment and friendship. Without them this training would not have taken shape the way it did.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page

Abstract

Author’s Declaration

Acknowledgments

Contents vi ix Definition of Terms

Chapter 1: Introduction 1

1.1 A Biographical Précis 2

1.2 Rationale 3

1.3 Aim of the study 5

1.4 Research Agenda 6

1.5 Conceptual Frameworks 6

1.5.1 Social Constructionist Approach 7

1.5.2 Feminist Perspective 7

1.5.3 Maltese Context 9

1.6 Layout of the study 13

Chapter 2: Literature Review 14

2.1 The couples’ experience of the arrival of the first-born 15

2.2 Studies representing different contexts 16

2.3 Differences between couples during this transition 17

2.4 Transition to parenthood models and perspectives 18

2.5 The contribution of gender identities and culture to 22 similarities and differences experienced by males and females

2.6 The evolution of parental identities 24

2.7 The couple relationship and support system 29

Chapter 3: Methodology 32

3.1 Research Approach 33

3.2 Married couples 34

3.3 Instrumentation 36

3.4 Research Procedure 37

3.5 Self Reflexivity Procedures 38

3.6 Data Analytical Strategies 39

3.7 Ethical Dimensions 42

3.8 Reliability and Validity 45

Chapter 4: Results 47

4.1 Introducing the family: Amy, Sam and Baby Zak 48

4.2 Sue, Joe and Baby Siam 63

4.3 Sai, Jake and Baby Mia 78

Chapter 5: Discussion and Conclusion 86

5.1 The interview process 87

vii

5.2 Clinical and Practical Implications and Recommendations 110

5.3 Benefits for Future Research 113

5.4 Limitations 114

5.5 Conclusion 115

References 116

Appendix 134

Appendix 1 Recruitment Letter 135

Appendix 2 Consent Forms 139

Appendix 3 Interview Guide 143

viii

DEFINITION OF TERMS

Marital Satisfaction There has been various use of different terminology ranging from marital quality, satisfaction, adjustment and happiness (Kluwer, 2000). Marital stability is also used, usually making reference to the couple staying together or not. It represents the level of contentment of the couple within their marital union.

Transition to Parenthood The transition to parenthood has been defined as the formative time for the couple, of a family life cycle, stretching from the decision to have a child to becoming pregnant (Polomeno, 2000) even up to when the child is 3 years old (Belsky & Rovine, 1990). This sets the tone for later parenting practices which are the integral familial and household conditions that guide behaviors, roles, attitudes and decision making, be it through co-contribution of emotional support and stability (Brown, 2000), financial support (Carlson & Corcoran, 2001), instrumental support and information sharing.

Gender identities Gender identities are formed during childhood, influenced by parental raring practices, societal influence and hormonal changes, which will give a person his/her inner sense of feeling male or female. Later, males and females exert these identities when relating to each other as partners/parents and with the child, which eventually forms the parental identity. This represents a group of associated roles, which are influenced by gender, which may include caregiving, development promotion, breadwinning, planning, arrangements and parental relationship with the child (Palkovitz, 1997). It may also incorporative parental alliance, mutual investment in the child, valuing partner’s involvement, trusting and respecting the other’s parenting judgment, known as parental alliance (Abidin & Brunner, 1995). It is the meaning and conceptualization of the self in parenting and its associated roles.

Couple relationship This has been considered as central to nuclear family dynamics (Cummings & O’Reilly, 1997). It may include, level of connectedness and cohesion, need to communicate and listening to each other, perception of level of mutual fairness towards each other, expression of affection and love towards each other and level of mutual empathy (Carlson, Pilkauskas, McLanahan & Brooks-Gunn, 2010).

CHAPTER 1:

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

This study is about stories of married couples, living in Malta during their transition to parenthood. This will be obtained through interviewing three married couples conjointly, utilizing narrative analysis, to co-construct their stories and experience of their gender identities, in their management and meaning making process of their marital relationship, featuring the Maltese context.

1.1 A Biographical Précis

This study aims at giving voice to the meaningful and important stories that couples may co-construct while managing their relationship upon the arrival of the first- born, in the Maltese context. My research is closely connected and motivated by my recent personal experience of becoming a parent. Reflecting on what helped us in our management of the couple relationship during our transition to parenthood, particular challenges of the lived experience may have put us at risk towards a construction of a negative self/couple-narrative. My husband’s initial not knowing position, positioned me to know, sustaining the burdensome position of the ‘expert’ and inadvertently holding a position of power (Goldner, 1985), during our journey of becoming parents. This feedback loop (Campbell, 1994) created a pattern which was reciprocally sustained, in which he might have seen me as the expert and gave me the power to decide, while I experienced him as not knowing and continued to take up this power creating a recursive process.

Later, it felt liberating and illuminating for both of us, when we started to engage in a different dance (Johnson, 2006), learning together, to tell and retell our story of differences and similarities, engaging in a process of listening and being listened to, travelling together instead of directing, each finding our way, rescuing ourselves from problem saturated stories (White & Epston, 1990), till new stories were being told. We slowly moved away from our respective, inherited parental scripts (Byng-

Hall, 2008) of traditional gender roles and identities, featuring the mother’s isolation ‘pulling the cart’ alone in parenting, and the father’s peripheral role of breadwinner, to shifting the view to pulling together, rather than one pulls and the other is pulled.

Notwithstanding this redrafted narrative, I need to keep mindful that past experiences will permeate through to my research in some way or another and one can never be fully objective, yet subdued in the subjectivity created by the co- construction process (Burr, 2015). This allows me for enough detachment to maintain a healthy balance between the unavoidable elements of subjectivity, which remain beyond my consciousness, permitting me enough objectivity to be with the subjects, positioning me in an informed subjective position (Bishop & Shepherd, 2011). Hindsight brings greater insight and thus more reflexivity (Mauthner & Doucet, 2003).

Thus my interest to pursue this study is to give voice to the detailed stories of couples living in Malta. I am interested to explore their experience of how they manage their relationship during the transition to parenthood, with special focus on the time around the birth of their first child and the early development of the parental relationship. Most studies available portray longitudinal outlook on such transition (Cowan & Cowan, 1992; 1995; Crohan, 1996; Shapiro, Gottman & Carrere, 2000). The majority are measured from mother’s accounts (McClain, 2011) failing to include the father and the couple’s processes. Studies also tend to be dominated by negative changes in the relationship (Kluwer, 2010) rather than underlying strengths, resources and management processes.

1.2 Rationale

The transition to parenthood is generally experienced as one of the most challenging life events in the life cycle of a person and is usually experienced at the

early stages of marriage (Tamara-Burns, 2005). This research aims at giving voice to the meaningful and important stories that couples co-construct while managing their relationship upon the arrival of the first-born. A systemic exploration will be carried out, about the links between the beliefs, ideas, attitudes, expectations and relationship of the couple. This will be understood by allowing the couple to narrate their story in the way they want to, while observing their interactions, patterns, dialogical, relational, reciprocal arrangements, through their negotiation process.

Studies, centre-staging stories told by parents, around how they manage their relationship, contextualized in this triad and how they co-create meaning while experiencing their gender identity roles, as males/females, husband/wife and mother/father, calls for more thorough and in depth approach (Stueve & Pleck, 2001). The available literature reflects that roughly, fifty percent of the couples experience a more negative couple narrative, revealing a decline in marital satisfaction and marital quality after the birth of their first child (Belsky, Lang & Rovine, 1983; Cowan & Cowan, 1992). Others expressed either no changes or even reported an improvement in the relationship (Kluwer, 2010).

Most research, privileges stories around adaptive, personal and situational characteristics. These are seen as playing a major role in the experience of marital sense making and relational processes (Karney & Bradbury, 1995). Since the birth of a child may call into question the couple’s gender parameters (Belsky & Kelly, 1994), it is important to delve into this experiential process, of the father, mother and the relational couple (Fulgini & Brooks-Gunn, 2002). I will be seeking to understand what married couples in Malta say, do and how they make sense of it, to understand how they manage to sustain marital satisfaction. I will be focusing on how these stories are located into the cultural discourses of how families are meant to be and how might these discourses influence the couples’ perceptions and my own as a researcher, while impinging on this experiential process (Weingarten, 1998).

1.3 Aim of the study

The aim of this study is to elicit the stories of married couples living in Malta during their transition to parenthood, giving voice to males and females, as to how they co- construct and experience their gender identities, in their management and meaning making process of their marital relationship during this transition. This will aim at enriching the already availably studies on Maltese families which reflect an on-going shift in the Maltese culture (Abela & Grech Lanfranco, 2014), yet do not specifically deal with this topic, substantiating the studies by providing the inside story of how the couple manage this transitional period. Tabone (1995) had previously portrayed the Maltese culture as embedded in and consequently embodied gender identities, which were clearly prescribed through traditional roles (Rizzo, 2009). Some traditional values are starting to be undermined (Mifsud, 2008), even though the value of the family is placed as a foremost principle for the Maltese. Shifts in values of work and religion, are being influenced by leisure, friends and politics (Abela, 2000). The current Maltese context may feature evolving stories from the male breadwinner and female family carer (Grima, 2006) to couples that might be “caught in transition between different cultural value systems” (Abela, 2014, p. 150).

Narratives may privilege new discourse encapsulating stories around ‘juggling, balancing, work-life balance, time-squeeze, dual earner family systems and 3:2 problem’ discourses (Rizzo, 2009). The primary data around this negotiation process of formed stories will be viewed in terms of the existing local and foreign studies, to author and create a meaningful story connecting the couples’ stories, with the available research and my own perceptions and subjectivity of these lived experiences.

I hope my research will illuminate what supports the couple to deal effectively with the transition to parenthood, since according to the life cycle perspective (Carter, McGoldrick & Bloch, 2005) it is a normal experience that during transitions in life such as this one, stresses and relationship strain increase, and the transition to

parenthood was cited as the most frequent stressor in the couple relationship (Walker, 2014). This study aims to highlight aspects, which may support the couple to prevent relationship difficulties, which may lead to separation/divorce. Identifying such preventative aspects will also support the couple’s relationship to provide for the children’s developmental needs (Grych & Fincham, 1990). Having most studies portraying longitudinal outlook on such transition (Kluwer, 2010) it was felt worth to provide a deeper and detailed encounter with the stories of couples, reflecting on their shift to parenthood. This will be shedding light on how they are responding to a contemporary, less secular, societal shift, which is heading towards a more individualistic, liberal direction, impacting our families.

1.4 Research Agenda

The stories of couples during their transition to parenthood will be elicited through the following research questions: a. How do couples co-construct meaningful and significant stories about the experience of their relationship during the arrival of their first-born? b. How are the stories around the couple’s gender identities formed, managed and told during such transition? c. How is marital satisfaction influenced by these experiences?

1.5 Conceptual Frameworks

The perspectives hereafter will be used as a framework which will serve as a backdrop to my research, to give voice to the stories of how couples make sense of their new parenting experience, while managing their identity roles and working through their marital satisfaction in a shifting Maltese context.

1.5.1 Social Constructionist Approach

The narratives of the couples’ experiences during their transition to parenthood will be interpreted within social constructionist epistemology. This post-modern philosophical framework, fits within a systemic perspective and invites us to contextualize individuals and families in their social and cultural referents, through the mediation of language (Slovik & Griffith, 1992). This shift from viewing individuals in fixed objective identities to subjective views (McNamee & Gergen, 1992) focuses on the self as a relationship, which is conversationally created and constructed discursively, thus denotes the self as a narrative or relational self (Anderson, 1997).

I will be focusing on the interactions, the talking amongst the couple and their stories, which are specifically located within a place and time, thus socially and culturally situated in Maltese institutional structures. Social constructionism also views knowledge as mediated through my own subjectivity as an observer and researcher, referred to as epistemic relativism (Willig, 1998), as well as in line with collaborative language theory (Anderson, Goolishian & Winderman, 1986), in which I as a narrator attempt to make sense through my own perceptions of the couples’ stories.

This study will thus seek to locate these couples in transition through their use of language and meaning making process, to story this journey and shed light on my understanding of their positioning within dominant discourses around how they managed this transition process as a couple, specific to the Maltese context. How they position themselves in relation to discourses of power and gender identities, while managing their marital satisfaction (Roy-Chowdhury, 2010).

1.5.2 Feminist Perspective

Families have become increasingly seen as sites where gender matters, but also to recognize the limited ways that gender has been seen to matter. (Ferree, 2010, p. 423)

Gender may be easily overlooked due to its subtleness. Studies from feminist ideas are now shifting focus from the level of distribution of work, burden and rewards in family life, to focus on the invisibility of power, which is embedded in language and ideas about gender. Thus previously perceptions of equality and fairness were prioritized (Blair & Johson, 1992), implying women’s dual-shift in doing the majority of house and child related duties and work outside the home (Coltrane and Adams, 2001). Now, women seek more focus on the intensity in their relationship with their partner. Nevertheless some studies observed that men still influenced the level of depth of the conversation, resulting in evasiveness and direct confrontation (Knudson-Martin & Mahoney, 1998).

Berk (1985) identified the household as a gender-factory, in which gender is reflected through housework and childcare. Even though the sample in this study encompasses married, heterosexual, white and middle-class families with young children, seemingly in line with functionalist frameworks, gender here is viewed in terms of “relationship of power connected to institutional processes organizing-and changing-families” (Ferree, 2010, p. 423). Within this perspective, this study aims at exploring the experiential relational process between the couple and the child, not only centered within the family dynamics and between families, but also in relationship to the broader social systems and their reciprocal influences. This is observed through social discourses and material realities that locate us socially, reflecting the dynamics of power and their influence on the broader social structures.

Through an institutional approach, feminist frameworks reveal the tensions and contradictions in gender expectations, considering discourses of legitimacy and unconscious routine practices. Thus we may benefit to see how the couple manages through their identity roles, amongst themselves and the child, with other families, especially context specific to Malta, the grandparents (Abela, 2014), and society at large. The latter echoing dual-earner/dual career families, while being contextualized in recent government family strategies promoting free childcare

centers and tax benefits for working mothers (Abela & Grech Lanfranco, 2014). This may leave males and females lost in these contradictions of having to make ends meet, providing positive parenting, having time for their relational connections, while ending feeling unsatisfied in all (Rizzo, 2009). This sense of contradictory narrative that reflects the un-evenness of gender relationships (Albiston, 2007) transpires even in studies of fatherhood, whereas while evidencing change in individuals and families, fathers tend to face a lot of institutional obstacles which may be easily overlooked (Hobson & Fahlen, 2009).

Thus, I will attempt to position myself dynamically, endorsing multiple levels and challenging positions towards gender, foregrounding recent European Union policy thinking privileging the child and its parents (Jenson, 2008) while storying the narrative of these couples in their journey of parenting.

1.5.3 Maltese Context

Understanding the couple’s stories about the experience of their intimate relationship during the transition to parenthood is in line with the ‘Positive Parenting Policy’, recently issued for public consultation, by the Local Government, through the Ministry for the Family and Social Solidarity (Abela & Grech Lanfranco, 2014). Since today’s positive parenting will directly contribute to tomorrow’s investment in the Maltese society, it was felt important to understand the changing needs of the couple in their parenting role to provide them with further support and infrastructures to optimize the level of upbringing for their children. Thus delving deeper into the couple’s stories will qualify us with profounder understanding of their needs to sustain them with more coupled provision to suit their requirements.

These stories are embedded and need to be understood in context of the recent changes that Maltese society rapidly endured. These include an increase in globalization and membership in the European Union in 2004, welcoming people from different countries, leading to diversity and complexity in couple relationship

patterns. The introduction of the Divorce Law in 2011, the Bill for IVF in 2012, the Civil Union’s Act in 2014, rapid increase of women in the labor market amounting up to 23,827 women, that is 41.1% (NSOb), increased importance to childcare, as well as introducing free childcare centers in 2014, Income Tax Act, which entitles parents who use childcare to benefit from a tax reduction, the Act for the recognition and registration of the gender of a person and to regulate the effects of such a change, as well as the recognition and protection of the sex characteristics of a person (MHAS1, 2015) and the introduction of opposite sex schooling in 2014, as opposed to the previously same sex schooling system from the age of 11 up to 16 years. All these changes bring forth different family relationships and constellations including other forms of families such as reconstituted family systems, same sex parents family systems and perhaps couples may undergo a quicker process of deciding whether to leave a marriage or not. It could also help our children to initiate an earlier understanding of masculinity and femininity, roles and negotiation process since they will be interacting at an earlier stage with the opposite sex through this change in mixed schooling.

This influenced the understanding of gender identities, contextualized in an affluence driven society, which is an instrumental motivator towards work orientation (Ransome, 2005), reflecting an upward trend of dual-worker families, leading to ambivalent gender identities. Perceptions of masculinity and femininity are undergoing a time-squeeze phenomena, in which parents juggle unsatisfactorily their roles between work, parenting and housework. This means that even though they carry out all these roles, they experience themselves, as not up to standard in all of them, since it is difficult to manage.

Rizzo (2009) found that in Malta females tend to give higher value to family life than work and responded more automatically than males, to renounce work upon becoming a parent. They tended to enjoy more family life than men, while men were

1 Ministry for Justice and Home Affairs

more relieved from family commitments. Notwithstanding, women with highest occupational status jobs reflected to have reached more of an ideal work-life balance when compared with working class women, who tended to reflect a status of female cultural subordination. The launching phase (Moen, 2003), in which children are conceived is being postponed for later on in life, now that of 28 years for women (Azzopardi, 2007), to avoid such conflicting demands. Notwithstanding the couple feels burdened while entrenched in a consumer-based society (Ransome, 2005) where husbands might feel lost and wives more burdened.

The choice of Catholic marriage is still considered very important in Malta, especially as the most popular setting in which children are conceived, with the most recent census in 2011 featuring 2,596 marriages out of which only 847 were civil marriages, with 4,004 (approximately 75%) of births were born to married couples, while 25.2% were born outside marriage (NSOc). The majority of births occur between the ages of 25 – 34 years of the couple. Malta has the lowest fertility rate in Europe (NSO, 2010), threatening the future of Maltese society, risking “falling off the cliff effect” (Abela & Grech Lanfranco, 2014, p. 9). This influenced the choice of my sample, encapsulating Maltese married couples.

Another factor contextualizing my choice of sample is that Maltese couples tend to foster the value of emotional connectedness as a basis of choice for intimate relationships and even though the Maltese context reflects a minority when it comes to marital dissatisfaction, with a very cautious attitude towards change, (Abela, Frosh & Dowling, 2005), a values survey by Abela (2000), reflected less tolerance towards infidelity, violence, alcohol misuse or sexual dissatisfaction, consequently considered as a valid reason to leave a marriage. The number of separated couples in 2011 was that of 566 with 124 annulled marriages. Divorce in Malta was only introduced in 2011, with 817 divorces approved till date (Dalli, 2013), representing the lowest divorce rate in Europe that is 1 in every 1,000.

In a longitudinal study about the expectations of married couples, Azzopardi (2007) found that in the first three months of marriage, couples were already experiencing disappointment, related to gender roles and work-life balance. Men tended to perceive work as their main role and helping at home as a subsidiary support, while women found themselves unprepared to the reality of housework, cooking, shopping, managing work and taking care of the relationship. Similar to foreign studies, those women who followed more traditional roles (Tamara Burns, 2005), and dedicated a higher share towards housework, as well as in cases where husbands spontaneously shared the housework, faired better in achieving such balance.

Investigating the needs of Maltese first-time parents during their transition to parenthood, Borg Xuereb (2008) reflects on the level of unpreparedness experienced by couples, even if the majority of her sample, that is 96% had attended parent-craft courses. This may reflect that nothing prepares the couple adequately for the transition to parenthood, challenging the couple to have to rely on their resources and resilience to undergo such transition. Both genders reported a decline in martial satisfaction when compared to the period of 6 weeks up to 6 months after birth, yet women showed more distress reflecting their lack of emotional well being, implying feelings of sadness, overburdened with work and a sense of isolation. The author found that there was no significant difference when it came to marital distress and emotional well being when comparing women who worked and those who did not, meaning that the birth of the baby irrespective of whether the mother works or not influences negatively the marital relationship. The planning of the baby also did not show any statistical significance.

Currently in Malta, the Kana2 movement offers pre-marital courses. This is pre- requisite to all couples who marry within the Catholic Church, currently adding up to 73% of the married population (NSOc). Mater-Dei, parent-craft courses are the

2 A Catholic non-governmental organization

only courses together with some private ones, which are part of the antenatal services at the National Hospital that focus on childbirth, labor and delivery preparation, yet fail to provide couple-relationship support, post delivery. If any distress might be identified, the couple might be referred to the hospital psychological services. 96% of parents attend these courses (Abela & Grech Lanfranco, 2014) and 83% of parents make use of the post-natal Well Baby clinic, which is more focused on monitoring the child’s development. Even though some courses are being developed for grandparents (who in Malta are very involved in the childcare to support dual-earner families) and post-natal groups by the same hospital, support that takes into account a relationship perspective to support the couple in their transition is not yet available for couples.

Thus Maltese society is no longer embedded in traditional norms and values. The Maltese families, not only do they have a choice of how they live their married life, but they are also supported by a legal framework that makes their choices more viable. Notwithstanding marriages still fail and couples face ongoing shifting challenges.

1.6 Layout of the study

After presenting a brief introduction, the next chapter will feature available studies incorporating statistical and systemic literature, to ground this research, about stories of couples during the transition to parenthood. The following chapter 3 presents the methodology, explaining the steps of narrative enquiry, choice of sample, while outlining the ethical procedures and data analytical strategies. The findings are presented in chapter 4, highlighting the co-construction of the narratives of the three couples and my own as the co-researcher. Finally, the discussion and conclusion will present these stories in context of the available studies and literature, suggesting clinical and future implications, as well as limitations.

CHAPTER 2:

LITERATURE REVIEW

CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW

I will present available studies about the transition to parenthood, initially referring to overall statistical findings, moving on to systemic literature, which will set grounds to this research about stories of couples during the transition to parenthood.

2.1 The couples’ experience of the arrival of the first-born

The birth of a child is characterized by various shifts in emotions, cognitions, identity, roles, expectations and everyday routine (Wallace & Gotlib, 1990). Notwithstanding the level of preparation by available programs and professionals, most couples struggle to make sense and meaning of the shifts this experience entails, both in their everyday life and marital relationship (Belsky & Kelly, 1994). As far back as 1957, LeMasters had found that 83% of a group of young parents had reported extensive or severe crises, in attempt to adjust to the first-born, in a time where traditional roles were clearer. Roughly, fifty percent of the couples report experiencing negative changes, revealing a decline in marital satisfaction and marital quality after birth (Kluwer 2010). The latter also suggested the Integrative model, proposing that couples with pre and post-birth vulnerabilities become less adaptive during such transition, thus are possibly part of the 50% of those who undergo most distress. The rest expressed either no changes or even reported an improvement in the relationship.

As part of the 50% who report a decline, they usually refer to a decrease in marital stability and sexual satisfaction (Grote & Clark, 2001), changes in patterns of intimacy and communication and an observed rise in conflict (Cowan et al., 1985). Kluwer and Johnson’s (2007) 5 year longitudinal study, on relationship quality of couples over 4 periods, pregnancy, 6 months post birth, 15 months and 4 years post birth, respectively, found that relationship quality decreased linearly during the

transition to parenthood, yet leveled off between 15 months and persists even up to 4 years post-birth (Doss et al., 2009).

Studies show that positive, supportive partner relationships reflect increased parental engagement with children within both married and co-habituating couples, yet relationship quality is typically lower in the latter group due to various factors such as, its less scripted and institutionalized nature and decreased paternal engagement (Carlson et al., 2010). Those who represent more positive transitions do not only have a good relationship quality but are complemented with other factors including better physical and mental health (Larson & Holman, 1994), higher educational backgrounds (Davis-Kean, 2005), good level of religiosity (King, 2003), adequate child temperament and good health (Simons, Whitbeck, Conger & Melby, 1990) and parents’ calm temperament (Dickman, 1990).

2.2 Studies representing different contexts

Studies across European countries like Netherlands (Kluwer & Johnson, 2007), Germany (Engfer, 1988), and England (Moss, Bolland, Foxaman, & Owen, 1986), and other studies in United States (Belsky et al., 1983, Cowan & Cowan, 1992; 1995), and Asia (Lu, 2006), reveal a small but consistent decrease in marital satisfaction, when transiting to parenthood, featuring strengthening of relationship problems, which already existed during pregnancy. Even lesbian couples who conceive through artificial insemination, showed similar results (Goldberg & Sayer, 2006). This goes beyond the fact that these countries vary in parental benefits, child-care arrangements, women’s employment patterns and gender role divisions (Kluwer, 2010).

Tamara Burns (2005) found that Chinese-American couples experience lower levels of marital distress, due to their traditional beliefs and behaviors, expecting women to handle household, family tasks and childcare. Participants who held more egalitarian gender role attitudes, including higher paternal involvement, reported

smaller marital distress. So even though babies add challenges and stress throughout cultural, religious and gender differences, yet clearer expectations about gender role attitudes were correlated with higher marital satisfaction.

2.3 Differences between couples during this transition

First-born children contribute to the parents’ learning curve, thus the couple might be more insecure and less confident, leading to more stress (Guzzo & Lee, 2008). Karney and Bradbury (1995) have shown that overall research attributes differences in this transition, to adaptive and personal and situational characteristics. Adaptive processes are ways couples deal with conflict and marital difficulties, incorporating conflict frequency and conflict issues, marital conflict interaction and other adaptive processes. Personal and situational characteristics include factors such as socio-economic status, child’s gender, planning of pregnancy, psychological wellbeing, child characteristics, attachment, representation of early family relationships, work factors and gender attitudes. The most negatively influential factors on transition to parenthood is depression, if it is a girl, disability, the presence of insecure attachment and incongruence between work and division of labor. On the other hand, there are inconclusive findings when it comes to socio- economic status, pregnancy planning and baby fussiness.

Adjustment represents another factor during this transition, which is surely required in a situation of lack/disturbed sleeping patterns, coping with crying, complete physical demands of a fully dependent human being including feeding, cleaning, lifting, playing, communicating, as well as other couple drastic changes centered around couple’s changes in time schedule, less time on leisure and activities and refocus of energy from self/couple to the child (Petch & Halford, 2008).

Wallace and Gotlib (1990) found that couples peaked in their marital adjustment one-month post-partum, but did not supply any explanation sustaining this

honeymoon phase. They interviewed couples at 4 phases during their pregnancy till 6 months post-partum. They found that six months post partum the couple reported lowest levels of marital adjustment and unhappiness in their relationship.

Belsky and Rovine (1990) followed Caucasian families from the last trimester of pregnancy till age 3 of the child, interviewing them at 4 intervals. They found four patterns of change: accelerating decline, linear decline, no change and modest positive change. The couples most at risk were those young in age with lower incomes, husbands with less interpersonal sensitivity, lower self esteem of wives and those with higher, idealized, romanticized ideology of parenthood, unplanned pregnancy and baby’s temperament with irregular daily rhythms. The authors failed to provide protective factors, which were experienced by the couples reporting no change or modest positive change.

Authors outlining protective factors made reference to older age, higher education, increased levels of income, few depressive symptoms, social support and parenting knowledge (Pancer, Pratt, Hunsberger & Gallant, 2000). Qualitative research reflected that parenting beliefs vary by social class (Lareau, 2003). In their ‘Becoming a Family Project’, Cowan & Cowan (1992), sustained that couples increased their success when they shared expectations about having a baby with significant others, equality in the division of labor and family traditions, on going communication and feedback to ‘check in’ and implementing the necessary needed changes, making time to communicate, gave importance to intimacy and sex and previously invested to establish a support system of family and friends. The most dominant predictor indicating risks for the couple, is the couple’s life itself before the arrival of the baby. Couples who have any distress in any area of family life before, are more likely to face a multiplying effect due to the increased demands.

Another risk factor frequently encountered in research is the wife’s decision to carry out pregnancy despite the disagreement of the husband. Negative views about a spouse, conflict in division of labor, lack of compromises, spouse own story of

abusive or neglectful childhood, illness and unemployment, unplanned pregnancies, no parental education classes, low self-esteem and efficacy, low income and little social support are the most powerful risk factors on the couple’s relationship, increasing the risk of marital dissatisfaction (Gager, McLanahan & Glei, 2002). Howerver, future research is needed to account for the other half of couples who fair better.

When parents were compared to non parents, it was found that parents experience a greater and more sudden decline in marital satisfaction, problem intensity, poor conflict management and negative communication than non-parents, although the decline in marital quality over time is common to both (Doss et al., 2009; Shapiro, Gottman & Carrere, 2000). Cast (2004) found that role incongruence, is one of the major factors, which affected the well being amongst parents, and is not a characteristic factor in childless couples.

2.4 Transition to parenthood models and perspectives

The ‘Vulnerability Stress-Adaptation Model’ (VSA) of marriage (Karney & Bradbury, 1995), outlines that changes occur due to the relationship between the enduring vulnerabilities, which represent who we are and our adaptive processes, of how couples respond to the particular parenthood circumstance. Its limitation is again that the focus is on vulnerabilities rather than strengths and resources and thus hardly accounts for the other half of the couples who do not experience such difficulties. It is also difficult to carry out formal empirical testing of such model. It fails to provide for more detailed processes such as gender differences, thus to account for the ‘how’ of the decline.

Other models include the ‘Emergent Distress Model’ and the ‘Disillusionment model’ (Murrey, Holmes & Griffin, 1996). They attribute the change to the relationship function, to the initial couples’ idealized reciprocal notions of each other, slowly shifting into more realistic ones, increasing awareness of each other’s limitations.

Increased awareness might evoke conflict and negative behaviors, while diminishes positive aspects. Conversely, the ‘Enduring Dynamics Model’ suggests that the couple immediately become aware of each other’s shortcomings, thus relationship challenges stem from already existing difficulties (Karney & Bradbury, 1995).

Kluwer and Johnson’s (2007), Integrative Model (figure 1), sustain most research, that transition to parenthood intensifies problems which were already present during pregnancy. They consider both vulnerabilities and resources. Transition to parenthood gives rise to adaptive processes such as conflict, communication and marital interaction, which in turn will establish the level of marital quality and satisfaction. More research is required to test such model focusing on the isolated effect of the first-born or whether the mentioned process takes place simultaneously. This model suggests that couples with pre and post birth vulnerabilities become less adaptive during such transition, thus are possibly part of the 50% of those who undergo most distress.

(From: Kluwer, 2010, p. 118)

The systemic perspective focuses on the relationship between spouses and changes in their marital satisfaction upon becoming parents (Keizer & Schenk, 2012).

Marital or relationship satisfaction cannot be viewed separately for men and women but in light of the product of the dyadic context of their interdependent experience at work, home and as parents (Kurdek, 2005; Cox & Paley, 1997). Changes in one of these aspects experienced by one partner will also affect the other partner, influencing marital satisfaction, let alone when multiple changes in all three areas may be occurring to both partners during this transition (Keizer & Schenk, 2012).

The systems approach presents the family as hierarchically organized and particularly to families with young children, 2 family sub-systems are very important, the parent-child system and the spousal system, which are connected by a reciprocal relationship to the larger macro-system (Cox & Paley, 1997). Maintaining boundaries between these two systems supports families to avoid spilling over difficulties that may arise in one system to be projected into the other (Minuchin, 1974). Congruence between the two systems is ideal, where satisfying spousal relationships and high-quality parent-child relationships co-exist (Malinen et al., 2010).

The developmental life cycle perspective underlines shifts in the family relationships during such transitional periods, which require repositioning in the relational dynamics (McGoldrick & Carter, 1999). These encapsulate a renegotiation process through:

… the expansion, contraction and realignment of the relationship system to support the entry, exit, and development of family members in a functional way. (McGoldrick & Carter, 2003, p. 384)

This reflects fundamental changes in the family system itself, representing second order changes, rather than rearrangements within the system, which are more of first order in nature.

Stories of couples upon transition to parenthood can also be understood in terms of family scripts (Byng-Hall, 1995) and family legacies (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark,

1973) which men and women bring to the couple relationship and consequently parental relationship. Ideas, understandings, debits and credits each partner brings into their relationship and how these are negotiated in their own understanding, that of the couple and the parental relationships need to be understood. The more understanding and repair the couple might reach, the less it spills into their couple and parental relationship, avoiding to repeat the aspects of a less constructive script and possibly pursue a corrective script within the couple and parental relationship.

2.5 The contribution of gender identities and culture to similarities and differences experienced by males and females

Performing different roles, may partly contribute to the fact that males and females experience this transition differently (Moller, Hwang & Wickberg, 2008). Twenge et al., (2003) found that women’s marital satisfaction declined suddenly and to a greater extent than men’s, who experience a more gradual decline in marital satisfaction, during the transition to parenthood. This was mainly attributed to the fact that women might experience a larger restriction of freedom during pregnancy, dealing with personal and career related changes, childbirth and intense child care demands post birth, which requires extensive adjustment.

Research consistently supports the notion that couple’s gender role attitudes and how responsibilities of sharing the labor are devised, significantly effect marital satisfaction (MacDermid, Huston & McHale, 1990; Hackel & Ruble, 1992). Culture plays an important role in shaping the impact of the transition to parenthood, thus it is very important to consider the effect of its changes in richness and diversity, while understanding such topic (Tamara Burns, 2005). Our society is shifting, lying somewhere in between a transcendence of collectivism, in which society cherished interdependence, especially with the inclusion of the extended families in the nuclear family unit, into a drive towards promoting individualism (Rizzo, 2009). This has a direct impact on the couple’s transition.

Azzopardi, in his study about expectations of marriage before and after marriage of Maltese Catholic couples found that:

The various themes that emerged are highly indicative of the shifting constructions about the family and the transitory nature of gender roles in society with current couples finding themselves ensnared between traditional and post-traditional constructions. (2007, p.2)

Before, men and women used to be guided by clear gender roles, while now the challenge of intertwining these roles and identities tends to give rise to unclear expectations, which take longer to adjust to, risking higher marital conflict and dissatisfaction (Perel, 2000).

Fulgini and Brooks-Gunn (2002) in the 1996 Common Wealth Fund Survey of Parents with young children found that 74% of fathers desired to spend more time with their children but are unsure as to exactly how, yet found a constant increase in father’s involvement from 30% in the 70’s to 43% in the 90%. Father’s involvement reduces stress and strain in the marital relationship and increases marital satisfaction since it intensifies closeness and partnership of the couple.

Investigating White and African American couples, Crohan (1996) provided one of the first empirical studies involving culture, in his research about changes in marital quality and conflict. While results indicated a decline in marital happiness in both samples, white parents were significantly less happy than African Parents during the transition. This was mostly explained by the fact that despite the increase in conflict, African spouses are far less likely to withdraw from the conflict and thus protect themselves by insisting and resorting to conflict resolution.

Levy-Shiff (1994), studied an Israeli population, representing a traditional patriarchal family life, exploring both individual and contextual differences of the couples. She found that paternal involvement with the baby contributed to fewer declines in marital relationship, as well as women had smaller decreases in post-

natal adjustment. This also impacted on how they view themselves, mainly as nurturing, caring, and protective, yet this did not include division of labor. This could reflect that either wives are less reluctant to voice their dissatisfaction to their partners or maybe they could be more accepting of increasingly traditional sex-roles as a result of collectivist and interdependent culture. The couple needs to overcome and negotiate the challenges of their already formed internalized models of how to be mothers/females, fathers/males.

2.6 The evolution of parental identities

Understanding how men and women evolve into parents, and the meaning associated with these roles and identities, has increased its importance (Coltrane & Adams, 2001). Previously the meaning of being a man or a women was described in an idealized, separate sphere fashion for mothers and fathers (Coltrane, 1988), yet from a systemic perspective, fathers and mothers need to be mutually understood within the context of their relationship, that of their children, as well as their located social context (Dienhart, 1998). Observed within the larger social system, it could be understood how gender, roles and identities are the guiding source for the attribution of rights, power, privilege and responsibility (Risman & Johnson- Sumerford, 1998). The way the couple share, respond to each other’s needs, compete, compromise, rearrange (Minuchin & Fisherman, 1981), and other interpersonal process, are mostly unconscious to the couple. Even more egalitarian couples, tend to fall into the trap of the traditional stereotype roles.

Literature on the formed identities of fatherhood and motherhood, derived from feminist ideas, which previously focused on the level of distribution of work, burden and rewards in family life, thus perceptions of equality and fairness (Blair & Johnson, 1992). They implied that women continue to contribute to the majority of house and child related duties, even when committed to work outside the home (Coltrane & Adams, 2001). This is shifting though and focus is now directed on the invisibility of power which is embedded in language and ideas about gender, which even though

mentioned by women, some studies observed that men still influenced the level of depth of the conversation, resulting in evasiveness and direct confrontation (Knudson-Martin & Mahoney, 1998). Notwithstanding, the father’s contribution was found to be the main influencing factor on wives’ relationship satisfaction and understanding of fairness as well as level of conflict in the relationship (Kluwer & Hessink , 1996).

Similar to marriage expectation studies, in which expectations of the couple themselves tend to be the best predictors of marriage (Waller & McLanahan, 2005), during the transition to parenthood, his, hers and theirs’ renegotiations are mostly effected by men’s gender ideologies, which tend to be the best predictor for men’s contribution towards parenting. Recent shifts delineating father’s involvement reflect a re-definition of fatherhood, nurturing the idea of sharing parenting and promoting child-centered behavior. Studies found that fathers tend to spend significantly more time in playful activities with infants in physical play than mothers (Huston & Holmes, 2004).

Studies comparing gendered parenting with post-gendered parenting, the latter referring to less clearly prescribed traditional gender role identities, revealed that the distinction of the latter is the relational connection shared between parents both in their couple relationship as well as in the connection with their children, implying that connections are translated into daily practices (Cowdery & Knudson-Martin, 2005). In couples with a gendered idea of mothering, it was found that partners believed that mothers have a natural connection and knowledge, thus fathers stepped back. Mothers tended to organize their time around children and took up continuous responsibility. Contrariwise, the same study revealed that, when mothering was perceived as a concept of conscious collaboration, partners assumed shared responsibility, compensated for biological differences, fathers functioned autonomy without mothers’ instructions or interventions, showed openness to learning, developing equally their emotional connections with their children.

Another interesting finding highlighting men’s relational capacity including paternal closeness, affectivity and active responsibility for raising the child, not only helped the couple relationship and enhanced marital satisfaction but also enhanced women’s position in society to take a more empowered stance (Coltrane, 1988), even in the way they treat equally male and female offspring. Kimmel (2004) highlights men’s and women’s equal ability to be nurturing and caring towards their children, yet implies that this still might be shaped by the main gendered institutions including schools, work, politics and families, which create more gendered selves.

Matta and Knudson-Martin (2006) carried out a grounded-theory analysis on father’s responsivity, couple’s processes and construction of fatherhood. They found that 29 men out of 40 reflected moderate-relational responsivity. This means that relationships were mostly based on equality, couples were positively attuned, holding equal gender ideologies assuming that childcare is a responsibility of both. Even if fathers did not, they were attentive and responsive to the wives’ needs and valued their work. Conversely, relationships based on gender, reflect that women have less power at the expense of men’s increased power. Men’s contribution was viewed as indebtedness from the wives rather than part of their responsibility in low-attuned fathers, which were only 4. In all groups, low, medium and highly attuned fathers, women highly valued couple attunement. It is suggested that the more relationally oriented men become through adequate support, they are also generally less aggressive, less domineering, more empathic and more open to equal divisions, ameliorating marital satisfaction (Coltrane, 1988).

Berg and Jools (2004) proposed a theoretical developmental progression of how couples progress upon the arrival of their first-born, initially experienced by some couples as an intrusion rather than enrichment to the dyad. They explain that initially couples face a narcissistic phase, in which their shared fantasies of their ideal parental couple does not tally. They then proceed to an autistic-contagious position anxious phase, in which each one defends their territory to evade anxiety

that difference may bring. Finally they shift to a depressive position, in which hopefully, with enough support, they start conjoint mourning of their separate losses and slowly shift to acceptance of the triad.

Stueve and Pleck (2001) focused on ‘Parenting Voices’, employing McAdams (1993) narrative analysis, investigating the kinds of parental identities/selves, which are formed during the transition to parenthood in the first three years of the baby’s life. Using the Parenting Narrative Interview, they explored the narratives of mothers and fathers who either referred only or largely to themselves, that is solo parent me, when referring to their parental experience or co-parent me, which are the ones who referred to the conjoint/we parenting experience. Five categories were further distinguished, mainly: I only, where there was no reference to the parenting partner; I context, where the partner was only utilized to give a context for the experience; We complimentary, where they describe themselves as having a different parental experience when undertaking different tasks; We compare, where the other partner is only referred to in context of how much more or less he/she does; and We joint, where there was little or no distinction between the parents.

Findings revealed that parents mostly used we joint voice when describing their initial experience of becoming parents but changed to I context and I only when describing early experiences and later to I only when talking about recent experiences and future experiences. Sex differences were also revealed, in that mothers tend to provide more care giving, employ teaching and developmental activities and do more scheduling and arrangements for the child than fathers. When fathers are involved in these activities, they tend to describe them more in context of the couple relationship, thus have a more fused co-parental identity, representing themselves and their partners as joint, even in the relationship with the child, than mothers do. The authors also suggest that mothers contribute substantially to the fathers’ identity and act as mediators with their attitudes towards the co-parental figure. In fact mothers tend to report father’s involvement more than father’s themselves do, possible due to the fact that it directly relieves

them from their burdens (Hawkins et al., 2008). This also means that there is a process of negotiation amongst the couple “between individuality and connectedness, between uniqueness and conjointeness of their parental experience” (Stueve & Pleck, 2001, p. 692), and that this process is usually consistent and coherent across contexts.

More research is called for investigating the couple’s relationship process that co- construct motherhood and fatherhood. Lamb et al., (1987) identified three aspects of father’s involvement, mainly engagement, accessibility and responsibility as main contributing factors, but studies like this need to be equally applied to motherhood which seems to be assumed. Not all mothers automatically and equally uptake these roles and reflect these attributes. In fact (Chodorow, 1978), challenged the belief that all women are born mothers, thus how this impacts on the relationship needs further exploration.

2.7 The couple relationship and support system

A supportive environment sustains the couple to experience a more positive relationship, as well as helps in handling their child’s needs more effectively (Bird, 1997). The couple’s perceived experience of mutual emotional support, increases marital satisfaction, reduces depressive symptoms, increases men’s and women’s confidence in their parenting skills and has been rated as the most important by the couples (Castle et al., 2008). A more positive attitude towards emotional expression reported more social support. Nevertheless fathers may easily fall into the trap of mirroring their partners’ stress especially reflecting the lack of support they receive from professionals, which is majorly dedicated to mother and child (Henderson & Brouse, 1991). Females tend to hold a more positive attitude towards expressing emotions than men, which could obstruct or prolong their sensing of mutual need for social support, especially due to the social construction of ‘weakness’ attributed to males (Castle et al., 2008).

Studies on intergenerational transmission focused more on the aspect of marital quality transmission rather than the grandparental type, presence and support. Perren et al., (2005) postulated that couples who recall a negative experience of their parents’ relationship reported increased negative changes on their own couple relationship upon transition to parenthood, attributing it to the lack of appropriate models for conflict resolution skills and communication styles, unless relearnt elsewhere. They also highlighted that new parents tend to resort to the mental representations and role-models which they had, to choose whether to apply them or not with their own children, ending up with no effective parenting models if they resort to changing styles within this new family system.

Thus new parents increased ability to adapt to this new role is intimately related to their own quality of care as they received as infants, including type of containment received, ability to be sensitive to their needs and internalization of the emotional experience of their own being parented experience (Cudmore, 2012). From an attachment theory perspective, couples adopt their family of origin relationships as a working model for their own, yet have to apply them to a new, ambiguous situation which this phase represents (Bretherton, 1992). Nevertheless one needs to consider the actual role that grandparents may be currently playing which may be experienced as supportive or not, which then also contributes to the couple’s relationship.

Paris and Dubus (2005) studied the impact of home-visiting mothers interventions on 15 at risk mothers after the birth of their babies. In this relational based intervention they found that mothers reported a major relief through their sense of loneliness, isolation, disconnection from other adults, experienced a constant reassuring, emotionally validating presence in this period of change, someone who highlights their competence and maintaining connections. This was far and beyond the husband’s full support. They highlighted the need of a senior mother who provided mothering through their own mothering experience. It would be very interesting if home-visiting fathers is provided to new fathers also, supporting them

through this maneuvering period. This study reflects how life-long parenting especially during this period of change is one of the most effective, supportive and containing interventions to sustain connections.

Other interesting, supportive, perinatal educational strategies promote a couple’s approach to teach the couple about conjugal intimacy during this transitory period, relying on family systemic theory (Polomeno, 2014). This entails two phases of education, both contextualized in concepts of intimacy and vulnerability. First is the perinatal aspect, focusing on the decision to become pregnant, preoccupations, pregnancy itself, labor and birth preparation, after care and forming connections with the baby. The second phase focuses on the relationship, learning how to keep connected, providing mutual support, how to increase awareness and access in their internal strengths, qualities and resources, while managing their intimacy, vulnerability and stress, creating a team and sense of we-ness. Couples in the west, reported an increase in the demand to be supported as a couple (Nolan, 1997), reflecting a change the perinatal courses are undergoing, integrating couples’ approach into their clinical practice (Polomeno, 2014).

In this chapter research findings, models and perspectives of the transition to parenthood were outlined, underlying the different experiences of males and females and the evolution of their gender identity roles, as well as the couple’s relationship in context of their support systems when available. Many studies which were dealing with transition to parenthood, tended to focus on average levels of change rather than variability in patterns of change (Kluwer, 2010) as well as tended to miss out on the interdependence factor of the couple’s relationship, focusing on how individuals function in relationships rather than isolated effects on men and women separately (Keizer & Schenk, 2012). Other limitations of such studies are that they focus on vulnerabilities rather than on couple’s resources. Thus strength-based studies would help increase insight on what helps. Another area which might need more focus, is the impact of the level of commitment, which more likely tends to increase during such transition. Another limitation on personal

characteristics was posed due to the multitude of measurement techniques, which limited the comparability and interpretation of the findings. In-depth qualitative studies are needed to shed light on the richness of the couple’s stories, especially to provide a closer narrative on couples that fair better. The next chapter presents the research methodology implemented for this study.

CHAPTER 3:

METHODOLGY

CHAPTER 3: METHODOLGY

3.1 Research Approach

A qualitative approach, was adopted for such study, to elicit the stories of married couples living in Malta during their transition to parenthood, giving voice to males and females, as to how they co-construct and experience their gender identities, in their management and meaning making process of their marital relationship during this transition. This will enable the generation of possible theories and concepts emerging from the inquiry, by capturing the lived experience of the participants, as well as allowing engagement with other forms of knowledge (Smith, 1996). Most studies on this topic adopted quantitative inquiry (Kluwer, 2010) and successfully highlighted trends in the transition to parenthood phase of couples, but they failed to render justice to the variability in the amount of richness of such available information. Consequently research needs to delve deeper into the ‘how’ rather than the ‘why’ of such processes, and hopefully focus on the strengths rather than the vulnerabilities of couples’ processes, keeping in context that approximately 50% of the couples experience no change, or even an improvement in the couple’s relationship (Kluwer, 2010). Thus qualitative research, will feature patterns, relationships and processes and their relevance to the Maltese context (Burck, 2005). This will account for voicing the detailed stories of males and females.

Qualitative inquiry is essentially suitable for the particularity of married couples, in that stories are not only formed individually but also interactionally between the couple and the child, thus first level negotiation and then shared interactionally with me as a second level of negotiation. Who says what, when, how, who stops who, the unsaid, silences, utterances, overlapping discourses, enthusiasm or lack of it, all have to be perceived intuitively and cognitively by myself, to author a creative and analytical meaningful story, connecting the original to the resulting theory that qualitative enquiry allows for (Mello, 2002).

One of the major strengths of a qualitative account is its centrality and contextualism, as well as its epistemological flexibility (Mandill, Jordan & Shirley, 2000). It also allows the respondents’ worldviews and meanings to come to life through the in-depth narrative data, which endorse depth and insight.

This exploratory position, posits its shortcomings in the small sample size and lack of maps, which might be available, yet this is not the case for this study. The ample background resource provided by substantial theoretical evidence, set grounding throughout my enquiry, by providing me with a good feel and orientation around the topic (Walker, as cited in Robson, 1998). Another challenge was managing the ample detailed information without getting lost. One way I attempted to counteract this is by attempting to support my research questions with a clear rationale. This type of inquiry also allowed for a partnership relationship between the researcher and the participants, thus narrowing the distance and sustaining a collaborative approach. It also permitted abundant interpretative opportunities, is highly accessibility, flexible and applicable, yet required a number of balancing acts to sustain its rigor (Larkin, Watts & Clifton, 2006).

3.2 Married couples

The research participants for my study included married couples, living in Malta, with the first born who is aged from 6 months to 3 years old. One of the reasons for my choice of sample is that in Malta marriage remains the normative choice for child conception and birth (NSO, 2014). Another reason is that studies show that single parent, cohabitating families and multi-partnered fertility couples, reflect diverse parenting strategies from married couples (Dunifon & Kowalski-Jones, 2002). For instance there is more chance that there would be increased financial support, someone to share the burden with, leading to lesser stress, the age of married couples might be older thus the couple might be more financially stable and might have higher education. All these factors contribute to positive parental practices

such as longer breast-feeding, less chance for corporal punishment and more follow- ups in the well-being visits (Guzzo & Lee, 2008).

Table 1: Demographic Information

Table 2: Child related information

3.3 Instrumentation

A multiple level analysis (Charmaz, 2002) was adopted, to capture the multi- dimensionality of narratives, exploring structural, linguistic and contextual aspects (Mason, 2006). This enabled to represent the multiple meanings of narratives on various dimensions, including emotional, sentient, imaginary, spiritual, temporal and spatial (Frost, 2009).

The use of Single Question Used at Inducing Narrative (SQUIN), (Wengraf, 2001) was adopted, to allow participants the necessary freedom to delve into their narrative and share it in their own uncontaminated way. The semi-structured interview guide was used alongside as a way to help the interviewees be reflexive in their relationships within various contexts while eliciting further meanings (Appendix 1). While constructing the interview guide, I was influenced and informed by the related studies I had previously read, by my clinical experience, as well as my personal experience of the transition to parenthood. A pilot interview was carried out with one couple, to provide me with the necessary feedback about the feasibility of the interview format, as well as allowed me to monitor the impact of the formulated cues to elicit the stories (King & Horrocks, 2009). The couples were asked to reflect on the process and experience of the interview, while denoting any absences, which they felt significant. Given that no necessary redrafting was needed following the pilot study (Yin, 2003), the findings from the pilot were included in the final analysis.

The couple was interviewed together to capture the dynamics of the relationship and any other non-verbal information which might have been occurring during this encounter such as smiles, pauses, eye contact or visual exchanges, turn taking, breathing and other gestures which might enrich the stories told. Having the couple together, listening to each other’s contributions, building on each other’s ideas, enriches and thickens their narrative. Using different types of data, the participants

were invited to share any other relevant resources representing this experience such as pictures, diaries or symbolic objects (Riessman, 2008), which they deemed relevant, so that the verbal stories were also sustained and narrated non-verbally. Participants were encouraged to delve into the context of their experience including familial, social, historical, trans-generational, cultural and personal, enabling multiple level analysis (Charmaz, 2002) and observed how prevailing discourses might have influenced their experience and stories as individuals and couples.

This approach was more suitable than others for this research, since it allowed couples to talk together about their story, thus facilitating communication between them while they make sense of this experience (Bohanek et al, 2006). Sharing stories has a therapeutic effect while the couple narrate together their journey (Klein & McCabe, 2007), as part of the process of meaning making which in such a busy time might not have had enough space to do. It also helps couples to make sense of transitional events in their lives by retelling the stories together and listening to each others’ story, thus “actively shape and account for biographical disruptions” (Reisman, 1990, p. 1196). This helps them make sense in relation to past events and future expectations in relation to available discourses and narratives (Miller, 2000).

3.4 Research Procedure

Purposive sampling was adopted to identify married couples that have recently become parents. Gate keepers such as colleagues were asked to identify anyone who suits these criteria, to avoid researcher bias, from opting to choose couples known by me. The participants were provided with a description of the study, its aims and procedures. Ethical and confidentiality criteria were satisfied through confidentiality forms. Verbal explanations were offered about the use of their information and methods of protecting anonymity and data protection procedures, such as the destruction of the transcripts after the finalization of the dissertation results.

After all the administrative and ethical aspects were satisfied, the necessary appointments were set with the couples, in ways which was comfortable to them, such as going to their house, providing them with child friendly spaces or by providing baby sitting services if they wished, keeping in mind the needs of their first born.

The interviews were then carried out. Transcripts were consequently compiled and grouped following the necessary criteria for the narrative analysis, as previously mentioned, so as to avoid falling into the trap of ‘first-order’ analysis, which limits itself to summarizing the concerns of participants, rather than properly explore, understand and communicate experiences and viewpoints of couples, thus pitched at the idiographic level (Larkin, Watts & Clifton, 2006).

3.5 Self Reflexivity Procedures

Keeping in context my own recent story of the first born, I sought to take steps to avoid imposing my story on my research participants, by allowing myself to be guided through each interview by the participants, as well as by drawing loosely from the interview schedule. I also needed to acknowledge the researcher’s subjectivity, by embarking on a continuous reflexive process, proactively monitoring my own interactions with the participants (Shaw, 2010), as well as questioning how my fore-structure is influencing the process. I utilized questions for guidance or clarification in response to the participant’s words during the interview. Thus the interview schedule was used flexibly. I adopted an open and responsive stance to questions, in an effort to work collaboratively and non- hierarchically with the participants. I kept a field journal to record my immediate and emerging thoughts, experiences and ideas about the interviews (Pennebaker & Graybeal, 2001), hoping to separate my own from that of the participants (Frost, 2009) and appreciate how I as a co-researcher am influencing the interview process.

I was also aware of the possible blurred boundaries between my clinical background and the researcher’s position, which not only makes me more sensitive to the interviewing process but also privileges me with more questions or cues, which I needed to be mindful throughout the process, separating research questions/cues from therapeutic interventions and reminding myself that my aim is to gain information and not to intervene therapeutically (Sammut Scerri, Abela & Vetere, 2012).

3.6 Data Analytical Strategy

… the knower and the known as fundamentally interrelated, and thus assume that any interpretation necessarily involves an essential circularity to understand – a hermeneutic circle in which the interpreter’s perspective and understanding initially shapes his interpretation of a given phenomenon and yet that interpretation, as it interacts with the phenomenon in question, is open to revision and elaboration, as the perspective and understanding of the interpreter, including his biases and blind spots, are revealed and evaluated. (Tappen, 1997, p 651)

Thus the story will contain the co-constructed dialogue of the researcher and the narrator, which led to the choice of a narrative analyses, for its acknowledgement about the choices people do, utilizing stories as a representation of their identities, as a means to make sense of changes in the sense of self and individual’s relationship to the surroundings (Bruner, 1987; Emerson and Frosh, 2004). Nevertheless, it remains controversial, within the qualitative research genre, due to its particular nature of uncertain boundaries, especially for a novice researcher as myself, as well as its misleading simplicity, which can be quite tricky (Rogan & de Kock, 2005). Nevertheless, it offers a highly intensive and detailed analysis of the accounts of a comparatively small number of participants, as in this case.

Models of narrative analysis take into consideration the spoken word, the written text and the micro- and macro-structuring of both (Frost, 2009). Narratives in the

research interview are distinct from every day conversations, in that they are described as ‘big’ or ‘small’ stories (Bamberg, 2004; Georgakopoulou, 2006).

Following the data collection, transcripts of each interview were written verbatim. I adopted a process to recall unspoken interactions and reactions, which came to my awareness during the interview, to gain a feel for all the interview data (Reissman, 1993). This helped me to start identifying the inclusion and exclusion criteria for the data. I looked for narratives in the accounts of all the couples to gain insight on how each couple, individually and together, make sense of their experience and their view of the couple’s relationship and gender identities, while sustaining marital satisfaction at that particular point in time.

The ‘life-story’ methodology as proposed by McAdams (1993) was utilized, who argued that identity can:

… be viewed as internalized and evolving life story, a way of telling the self, to the self and others, through a story or set of stories (complete with settings, scenes, characters, plots and themes). (McAdams, Diamond, de St Aubin, & Mansfield, 1997, p.678)

He differentiated between 5 story components, mainly; nuclear episodes, which are the important and meaningful experiences; imagoes, which are the idealized role models; ideological settings; generativity scripts, which are the plans for how the story may continue and the thematic lines (McAdams, 1993). Identity and self- narrative can link the past, the present and the future enabling to form coherence in a person or couple’s life, by representing what this experience means to them. Particular to this study, I sought to understand how couples form and make sense of their parenting and couple identities in a Maltese context to sustain their marital satisfaction during the transition to parenthood.

This analytical process cannot ever achieve a genuinely first-person account, in that, it is always constructed by participant and researcher, yet I attempted to provide a

coherent, third-person, systemically informed description. As Smith (1996) suggests, it is a partial and complex experience. I attempted to provide an interpretative analysis, to provide a critical and conceptual commentary upon participant’s sense making activities (Smith & Osborn, 2003). This second-order account, is meant to represent the meaning behind the participants’ claims, the feelings expressed in a particular manner, whilst informing myself by direct engagement with existing theoretical constructs (Larkin, et al, 2006).

Narrative inquiry reflects less clear boundaries between the stories told and my position as a researcher, as an active participant within the research investigation. This positioned me to reflect and negotiate between what I perceived from the stories of the couple’s lived experience and the narrators’ intentions (Gubrium & Holstein, 1997). This is characteristic of the developmental and transactional nature of such method of enquiry. This evolving process is defined as an eclectic assortment of multi-dimensional and heterogeneous fields, representing a postmodern era, which has become “narrativized, grounded, idiosyncratic and storied in its focus” (Mello, 2002, p. 232). This located me as a researcher, to embark on a challenging process of negotiation of organizing, analyzing and bringing forth, eliciting theoretical meaning from these unique world views (Mello, 1997), contextualized in time, context, place, couple’s and child’s interaction and response, and my own perceptions of it, to be able to form coherent meaning.

The use of metaphors was also considered from the performance model as suggested by Riessman, (1993), since it merits exploration in its own right. Metaphors have been viewed as linguistic devises, which serve a particular purpose, since they are grounded in socially shared knowledge and conventional usage, which reveal shared cultural and social understanding, requiring collaboration between the narrator and listener for interpretation. This was particularly useful for my research when stretches of speech that seemed to be narratives did not fit conventional narrative structure. This offered me a way of “goading the data” (Richards, 2005, p. 171), giving voice to my role as a researcher at every stage,

allowing the subjective nature of my systematic reflexivity to be explicit, yet interpretations remain grounded in the text (Frosh, 2009).

At this point I went over the recordings and critically thought about, how my presence and interventions may have influenced the narration types. Observations and reflections of how I positioned myself as a female, wife and mother were taken into account, considering that I was looking at gender identities. I focused on how the couple might have been organizing me, with my own baggage, as well as how they might have recruited me as an interviewer into this role, and actively choose what prompts to offer them or not, in such a way that it is helpful for eliciting a congruent narrative (Byng-Hall, 2008).

The next step was exploring connections within and between these conceptual groups in order to begin to generate explanations. Comparisons were undertaken on two levels. Firstly couples were compared and contrasted amongst each other, within their own narratives. Secondly males and females were compared to substantiate further if there are gender differences in the lived experience. It is also suggested to borrow some techniques from Grounded Theory (Strauss & Corbin, 1988), to facilitate the process, so that structure was linked with process. Furthermore, focusing on themes that represented underlying conditions, key phenomena, key actions and interactions and consequences, were tapped. The use of memos and diagrams is also favored to support the researcher to devise an explanatory narrative. I also borrowed from Mathieson and Stam (1995) process of constant comparison method, in which during and following data collection, a continuous processing of the interviews was carried out, outlining concepts and common or contrasting experiences. Memos were kept outlining analytical decisions, to support me in providing a rationale for my analysis (Fade, 2004).

3.7 Ethical Dimensions

Ethics refers to rules of conduct, typically to conform to a code or set of principles (Reynolds, 1979). For the purpose of this study, participants were initially explained the purpose of such study, the methods of data collection and analysis, how their anonymity and confidentiality would be ensured and how safeguarding of data protection measures will be implemented. Use of fictitious names and omission of any identifiable data was adopted. The transcripts will be destroyed after the finalization of the thesis. The participants were provided with a copy of the final results upon its completion. A consent from was provided, read and explained in the language preferred by the subjects (Appendix 2). The original transcripts will be kept till the research is corrected, for the examiner’s perusal if needed.

The participants were explained that they can stop at any point in time and can also refrain from answering questions that might not feel comfortable. Keeping in mind that research shows the stressful nature of this particular time in the couple’s life (Cowan & Cowan, 1992), and that some mothers and/fathers may undergo post- natal depression (Denton & Burwell, 2006), I offered participants to be referred to future therapeutic support, if any topics of vulnerable nature may be instigated through the course of the enquiry. If there is already visible distress and/any condition, such as post-natal depression, it was first ensured that the undergoing of such research would not add on to the negative experience of the person/s. The research would have been stopped or discussed with the participants, if I noticed any unnecessary distress or psychological implications during the research investigation, to safeguard the well being of the participants. I kept ongoing checking with the participants, to safeguard that the participants were offered the right support or treatment needed, as agreed in advance. It was not the case for any of the couples under study, who willingly shared their stories and showed interest for more time and space following the interviews, through follow-up emails or direct comments.

A debriefing conversation was held following the research to ensure clarifications about the experience of the interview and clarify any unforeseen negative effects or misconceptions if any, to continue to consistently foster a relationship of respect and collaboration between the investigator and participant (Robson, 1998). I positioned myself to offer ongoing validation and summarized what they were saying, to show that I was attending, actively listening and empathizing with what they were recounting. A continuous process of reminding the participants of their right to withdraw at any point in time, was adopted (Dowd & Wilson, 1995), even retrospectively and for their right to ask for the data gathered in any form to be retrieved, to instigate safety and collaboration.

Another aspect of ensuring honesty of ethical research is acknowledging the temporal and imperfect aspect of doing reflexivity, which on the one hand provides a transparent description of the:

…. political/ideological agendas hidden in our writing and insight (albeit limited) into how factors such as our social location and personal assumptions shape research encounters and interpretations. (Hertz, as cited in Bishop & Shepherd, 2011, p. 1283)

On the other hand, there is a gap in the objectivity of the reflexive analysis, since there are factors which lie beyond that which the researcher will oversee, due to the nature of multi-tasks which the research itself entails. Acknowledging this gap reflects a better relationship between reflexivity and honesty, thus further ensuing ethical research.

The temporally situated nature of reflexivity deserves acknowledgement, since our reflections are often written some time after the completion of the research. The narrative approach acknowledges, that we experience a coherent and unified self and explains how we engage reflexively to provide our data, yet it also reminds us of the element of hindsight which overtime might give rise to new experiences thus further reconstruction of our identities (Bishop & Shepherd, 2011). Thus by

acknowledging the temporality and influences of other factors, it is hoped to further ensure provision of ethical research.

It is also important to adopt a collaborative approach by being transparent with the couple about the process of the research, as well as scrutinizing the way the interviewing and analytical processes are occurring, to minimize the possibility of “replicating unhelpful processes of ‘othering’” (Burck, 2005, p. 242). This will also narrow the power gap between the interviewer and participants.

3.8 Reliability and Validity

A number of measures were considered to ensure reliability and validity referring to Cresswell (2003) and Smith (1996). The findings were viewed in the context of available studies, so as to attempt to further ground my research findings. This triangulation process (Smith, 1996), supported me to contextualize the findings, elicit similarities and differences while further ensuring validation. I also piloted the interview schedules to attempt to refine the methods of enquiry, by initially voicing the interview with the supervisors, then with the couple.

I also adopted a position of ongoing validation throughout the interview process, by repeating and summarizing what the couple was saying, to ensure that I am representing and understanding what they are saying as accurately as possible, ensuring what Smith (1996) identified as member validation. This helped me solidify a process of collaboration by building and sustaining trust with the couples, learn about their stories, relationship and contexts, and clarify on the spot any misunderstandings and misconceptions which could represent their story less accurately.

I also used peer supervision with a trusted clinical supervisor and embarked on a similar process with my thesis supervisor, creating a sense of a stable third (Cooper & Vetere, 2005), to voice any thoughts, dilemmas and generate further reflections.

This gave space for clarifying researcher bias, increase self-awareness and understanding about my internal processes throughout the process of the research experience. It also provided me with enough reflections about my subjective processes, as well as enriched my work and co-construction.

The process of transcribing the interviews, helped me revisit and get in touch with any processes which I might have initially missed, like tone of voice, turn taking, dichotomies, anomalies, questions or cues which I might have asked, which enriched a closer encounter with the interview experience and data collected.

Particular to this study was the choice of place in which the interviews were carried out, which is referred to as contextual validity (Tindall, 1994). The participants were given the choice to opt for any comfortable location to them and their child, so that their family life is the least interrupted. This is coherent to the needs of this particular time of life of the couple. It also allowed for less bias to their usual interactions, so that the stories are represented as authentic to their context as possible. With the first couple, part of the interview was held at their home and another part at the playground, so as not to interrupt their son’s routine. The second couple chose an open space at an open environment, while the third couple opted for my house. This enriched the information and couple dynamics as well as enlightened further their parental choices. Two of the couples also made use of the baby sitting services, which I offered as part of the interview, so that they can have enough couple space to attend to the interview, while being close enough to their child.

I also followed what Smith (1996) suggested about providing evidence of substantial amount of raw data, to provide internal coherence between my interpretation and the actual data collected. Detailed descriptions of the transcripts and interview dynamics in the stories were included to provide an understanding of the findings in the context in which they occurred (McCormack, 2000). After presenting the methodological measures, the results will follow in the nest chapter.

CHAPTER 4:

RESULTS

CHAPTER 4: RESULTS

I am presenting hereunder, my understanding of the couple’s stories, as co- constructed with the couples. I attempted to be as true to their story and to the Maltese transcript as possible, yet minimal discrepancies might originate due to the limitations imposed by the translation from Maltese to English. The first interview was in English. The other two were carried out in Maltese.

4.1 Introducing the families: Amy, Sam and Baby Zak

I met this family at their house and immediately felt that the needs of the child takes priority, when they asked me to go to the playground with them, to hold the interview where the child could play. This may also reflect their tight schedule. Having the child present during the interview privileged me to directly observe their complementary reciprocal interaction in different contexts, enriching my understanding of this family. I was positioned to engage with the system instead of observing it. Being a parent myself helped me manage the involvement of the child, while attending to the parents’ story. The parents seemed to support each other to look after their child, without needing to say anything. They took turns to reach out to their child to ensure that he was fine. Zak seemed to be well attached to both parents. He was easily comforted by both of them.

Having been through the parenting experience myself facilitated this process, since I was not shocked. I could stay with the couple, supported them to feel understood and not judged while contemporarily showed genuine interest in the real part of the story. Contemporarily, having experienced change now at this phase in my life, it helped me be curious about other aspects, which might be different from my story. This positioning helped me bring out the richness of their narrative, while preventing from being polarized by one aspect of their experience.

Their ability to be in touch with each other was also evident in the way our conversation took shape. I felt a sense of admiration towards the couple since they easily warmed up to our discussion and did not even need my cue to initiate conversation. They were attentive to offer me a balanced story, of their transition to parenthood, representing both the positive aspects of their experience as well as their struggles and challenges. They seemed intent to tell me each of their account of how it happened as if they wanted their narrative to be balanced by each other’s views of how it was and how it is.

Amy: This is the negative but there are also positive things.

I was even more touched by a follow-up email in which Sam told me that with hindsight, Amy felt that she took up too much space and that the focus of their conversation was too concerned with their parenting. I was surprised, yet touched by this. To me it meant that our conversation led to more. They continued with our discussion and wanted me to be part of it too. It made me feel good that they found my research meaningful.

Our conversation seemed to unfold in two parts. The first was dominated by Amy’s un-paused catharsis. It was like she was dying for the opportunity to say it all uninterrupted. She seemed to hijack the interview and would not let Sam in, even though I made several attempts to include him. He did not seem fussed about this, gently reassuring me saying: I will talk when she finishes. The second part was more about them. As soon as he felt that she was ready, he joined in talking about his perception of his and their experience, reflecting also on what Amy had said. In this way she could also come in, and join him in his reflections, connecting the experiences, making it theirs.

Challenges presented overshadowed the early joys of parenting

Amy felt overwhelmed, while Sam felt helpless. Her needs came first, she needed looking after and he could support her.

Babies are thought to bring happiness for the couple but for this couple the after pain of childbirth and the needs of a newborn marred it, leaving little space to enjoy the moment. They could not initially make sense of other feelings, which did not match happiness and stories of bonding. She felt relieved and validated to hear a similar story to hers, from a friend. Sam’s tangible description throwing him out of the window reflects a sense of panic and devastation in his process to attempt to find ways and make sense of how to parent this child and understand what he is supposed to be doing.

Sam initially felt helpless when his attempts to be useful to support his wife and the baby did not succeed. This couple reflected on two processes in their narrations. Personal losses and needs were first experienced individually and then as a couple and parents. There was also a change in their views of parenthood. Amy tends to be more understanding to the real difficulties and challenges that other parents might experience. The romanticized view about babies, “babies bring love and happiness”, changed to the view of helpless, fragile human beings whose needs for survival take priority, imposing on parents the need to be looked after. The parents’ own need to nourish and take care of themselves goes underground.

Prioritizing mother-child relationship

There was this understanding between them that she concentrates on the child while he supports her in this role and continues to take care of the financial responsibilities. While he did his best to be there for her and the child, she found little time to consider his needs. The pain of childbirth, sleep deprivation and challenges of breastfeeding take over. She couldn’t keep him in mind as much as he could do. Her frustrations were often projected onto Sam.

Sam craved for his relationship with his wife. The birth of the baby did not reduce his need for Amy, while she might have been absorbed by the needs of the child, unwillingly neglecting the couple relationship. The intense relationship and connection which forms between mother and child especially through breastfeeding can marginalize the father.

She focused on her pregnancy while he intended on getting their home ready

The value of being a good mother took priority in Amy’s choices and increased her standards by doing everything herself, which now she is re-evaluating.

The awareness of becoming parents occurred at different timings since they took care of different needs for the family. Amy was concentrated to emotionally prepare for the child and Sam to set the physical boundaries for their family by ‘giving birth to their physical home’, which are both important. They struggled to find time to share and connect their different experiences at that point in time. Therefore Sam did not have time to connect to the pregnancy experience, while Amy might have experienced this as a lone experience, while he lived a solitary experience of constructing their home. This delayed the process of Sam’s connection with the baby and with his wife as “mum to be”. It distracted him from the idea of becoming a father.

She gave up everything to meet her new responsibilities while his changes were more centered on increased work demands

Dealing with concurrent individual and couple role changes might have been challenging for the couple to mutually understand each other’s experiences. Amy found herself isolated for long hours at home with a baby, while for Sam, staff turnover coincided with the birth of the baby, which pressured him with increased workloads. Amy experienced Sam’s work as a break, refreshment and replenishment for him, while she felt depleted and helpless, confined with childrearing duties, in an isolated small village. This may reflect her loss of previous identity and circle of friends when she used to work.

The baby’s needs took financial priority. Sam took the psychological burden of managing finances in attempt to reduce Amy’s load.

Sex helped them to re-connect

Their intimacy was put on hold initially. There was no time or energy for it. They worked at it gradually and slowly it became a more valued experience since it was not an automatic process. Sam’s respect towards Amy’s needs could be felt, while she reciprocally responded to this safety by trying to sexually re-connect to him.

Giving up their life as it was, to embrace parenthood

Amy acknowledges the transition between giving up the self and forming a family identity as a team. While recognizing the physical bodily changes, she also identified the need for time and space to herself to enrich this new parental identity. As a couple she feels and cherishes that they had to sacrifice a lot and became more understanding towards other parents. She could normalize their experiences. Her identity and sense of being have been enriched with the love and happiness experienced by the child.

Having to let go of his previous activities, was quite shocking for Sam. This had to be managed in context of no available support system.

Since she did not find support from her previous friends who were childless and could not understand and meet her needs, she could only turn to her husband for support. He did not find support himself from friends and colleagues with different parenting experiences.

Confidence in her ability to mother was built gradually and in a way Sam left her to do it, somehow expecting her to know how to be a mother. This might have put more pressure on Amy.

Her experience reflects more of a family identity and unit now, even in the way they spend time together both as a family and in their interaction with friends. She still perceives her husband’s support as a bonus rather than as part of his role and duties, yet she opened the gate for him to participate.

Sam’s sense of collaboration towards Amy’s parenting ideas helped her widen her views on his identity of a husband as well as a very good father. She takes the responsibility of possibly having more power in the parental values and principles. Sam felt validated and acknowledged in his efforts to support her. He seems to sacrifice his needs to support his wife first then he sees to his needs. She is reciprocally appreciative towards this. While they dance, they somehow reflected an automatic response, where they could keep up with each other’s step without much need to talk and plan. This is reflexive of the couple dynamics, that he moves back to give her space and she reciprocally appreciates this.

Sam could also talk about his growth as a father and specify the stages of attachment with his son. He shifted connection from a behavioral level to an emotional connection, which reflected an emotional growth since he is such an involved father.

Embracing difference at the cost of isolation

The couple reflects on their different choices from his parents and takes responsibility for these choices, yet wonder whether it would have been easier had they chose to follow in their parents’ footsteps instead of doing it their way. Somehow it feels harder.

Discourse around fatherhood is embedded in more traditional views so there was no space to talk with others, about his process, representing a more subjugated story. Sam appreciates that he is supported by work flexibility in his parental role, yet observes that other men proceed with their lives and career progression, thus might feel isolated in his paternal choices to be available and present for his wife and son’s needs.

Amy and Sam tend to have a different meaning, function and relationship with food from what they observe around them. Amy gives a lot of importance to breastfeeding and natural food, while perceives that Maltese do not. Sam observed Maltese mothers, who use food as a silencing means to their children. Setting boundaries to people about appropriate times of visit was also perceived as a struggle.

The couple might feel judged and misunderstood in their parenting choices, so somehow the couple was isolated and could not talk much about their differences. They became child centered to the extent that they lost their connection with family and friends. They might also be reflecting and evaluating how they reciprocally contribute to the others response to their choices. Not going to a feast in Malta might be perceived as a rejection since feasts are centered around families and children. Their choices also might prescribe more physical and emotional work, such as entertaining their son outdoors to minimize use of technology. This might be exhausting and leaves less time for other things, such as spending time with grandparents so that they could do their own things as adults and couple.

Amy reflected on the different context and parental perceptions at a policy level, whereby parenthood is even supported financially for a longer period of time in her country. She understood this as beneficial for securing attachment.

The couple’s experience, when they had support from her parents during the time they spent in Hungry, helped the couple foster a different parenting reality, in that they had more time to do the ordinary things such as having breakfast. This was their sole story of exception where the couple could experience a sense of normality and temporary connections, which could not occur with his parents, who are perceived by the couple as less safe and reliable.

They wanted to be unencumbered by Maltese Catholic beliefs and practices and in a small village they lost their place and could not fit in. While they were proud of the sacrifices they made of how to parent Zak, it had its costs and left them feeling alone. They could not ask and check with anyone since the people around them were different. They had to re-invent the wheel on their own.

Forming trust - building on each other to parent together

Amy and Sam could identify the reciprocal process involved in how trusting each other as parents took shape. It was noticed that, the more confident Amy felt in the way she was looking after their baby, the more it increased her confidence in her overall parenting abilities. This effected positively Sam’s sense of confidence which in turn had a spillover effect on either parents’ feeling of competence. They wanted to do it differently. They wanted to be modern parents, free from traditional parenting prescriptions. There is again a lot of emphasis on being different from other Maltese people in that they value difference as a sense of growth and openness.

Increased confidence and seeing results with their first born led to new hope and readiness to re-challenge their parental experience with the second born.

They value their different ways of seeing things. They believe this is part of their strength in being able to assess a situation from different points of view. They look at parenting as a learning process and together they are consistently finding their way forward. Differences are viewed as resources and strengths rather than

obstacles. Amy tends to be reassured by his patience to step back to support her ideas, which then gives her space to receive his.

Prioritizing the relationship

Sam took care of supporting Amy by prioritizing their relationship, which not only sustained their marital satisfaction and helped them form a healthy parental alliance but also helped them towards individual growth within the wider context.

The couple noticed that strengthening paternal relationship bettered also the couple relationship and increased their connection and marital satisfaction.

On a concluding note, Amy and Sam’s journey is characterized by paradoxes of losing hope and finding connection again, which led to strengthen the relationship. Even though there were times when they were going to give up, they kept on talking and trying and did not let themselves be jarred by their difference. They turned their differences into strength and resilience.

4.2 Sue, Joe and Baby Siam

Sue and Joe chose to meet me in a quiet garden, while Siam was at a short distance away, being looked after by the baby sitter. This was experienced differently from the previous interview, since it gave more space to the couple and myself to focus. Yet having experienced both positions, with the child and with the child at a distance, not only enriched me with more flexibility but also coloured the data and processes collected.

The interview experience was very flowing. I felt that I was supported by the previous interview experience, and maybe to an extent it conditioned me and tuned me on what to look for or not. I noticed that the couple gave chance to each other to speak, were connected throughout the interview through physical gestures and connections, using eye contact, checking with each other, using tentative language and positioning. The use of humor featured as a unique characteristic in this couple, enriched by reciprocal reassurance both through language and gestures. The couple also showed a lot of self-reflexivity, reciprocal empathy and attunement towards each other’s needs.

I felt connected to their sense of isolation, while sat back to remain curious about it. I was positioned in a way to reflect back what the couple gave me, clarifying and attempting to maintain a curious stance, validating them and attempting to balance my subjectivity. My biases were felt at times, thus attempted to maintain self- awareness so that I can be aware of my subjectivity. It was different from my experience, in that it took longer for connection to occur with my husband in our case, thus a sense of pain was subtly seeping in. Yet the fact that now it is re-storied, the pain felt distant and did not interfere with my presence with the couple.

Coming to terms with becoming parents

The couple’s processes on the decision to become parents is characterized by difference, in that Joe was more apprehensive and scared of the idea of becoming a father, while Sue was more determined. The couple felt disconnected for a while upon the news of conception and Sue describes how she missed him, while Joe was in a state of shock, thus could not react to the news and to his wife. He is now in a position to appreciate that he trusted her and that she stayed and did not give up on him.

Staying and shifting

The views about parenting have changed for Sue after she experienced the joys and hardships of parenting, into more understanding and less judgmental ones. Had he

given in to his fears, Joe admits he would have missed out. His wife’s staying with his fears helps him, while she reciprocally trusts that he can shift in his thinking. The couple shows ability to stay with difference and move to acknowledging change and movement.

When one partner understands another, re-connection occurs. Joe seems to have understood Sue’s wishes and ideas about becoming parents as a means of increasing their love. This sense of validation between the couple was touching.

Sue and Joe reflect on the particularity of the child’s temperament, which requires their full attention and energies. When they observe other parents with seemingly minimal changes in their lifestyles upon becoming parents, they realized that they required increased adaptation to the child’s needs.

Parenting their child de-Romanized parenting

Getting in touch with the daily struggles, post-natal depression and exhaustion of dealing with the child’s multiple needs helped them hold a more empathic position towards other parents who might end up losing control.

The couple seems to have gone through a re-definition not only of their own parenting but the way they view parenting in general and hold a less judgmental position. Joe questions the advantages of being younger, yet Sue learnt that processing her childhood issues, helped her be more prepared for motherhood.

Moments of improvement are recalled, yet tiredness and fatigue play tricks even on their humorous area of strength, which ended up into a misunderstanding.

In sickness and in health

The sense of indispensability does not leave space for sickness. The couple is both well intentioned to support each other through hardships like this, where they were both sick, yet at times their ideas of care may vary from their partners’ needs. Sue fosters the need for connection while Joe may need more distance at the time. It seems to represent a narrative of “doing it on my own” for Joe, while for Sue its more of a “doing it together” narrative.

Helen: so you both responded to each other’s needs. The couple seems to find their own way to reconnection and mutual understanding, which is reflexive of their own negotiation process. Sue managed to explain to the child that mummy is sick and attended to her needs as much as she could and Joe responded calmly, to which the child reciprocated.

A sense of isolation, lack of modeling and guidelines by their respective parents transpires, yet Joe’s trust in her abilities and ways of being a mother supports them to manage through unknown and unsupported territories, by having formed mutual trust in long years in the relationship.

The couple struggled with the new experiences, lacked confidence and needed the reciprocal validation and non-judgment from the respective partner, especially the husband from the wife, which might be very important for the management of the relationship.

Sex and Sexuality

Safeguarding the baby’s wellbeing during sex, in the last term of pregnancy, became a priority for Sue and Joe, since they thought that intercourse might have affected the wellbeing of the baby in the womb. The physical pain of natural birth and the aftermath, together with the demands of a newborn, takes over the space for sexual connection. For Sue and Joe, sex with time, took on a different meaning and function, in that its decreased feasibility made it more meaningful and yearned for. The couple is not yet ready for another baby, therefore they have to take precautionary measures that would not usually be the couple’s choice of sexual activity. Joe’s respectful position towards Sue’s needs is appreciated by Sue, which seems to have taken sexual intercourse to a more intimate and meaningful level.

The couple adapted their daily living around the child’s needs. They both have the child’s best interest at heart and protect her sense of uniqueness. It is as if no one can understand their child’s unique needs the way they do. They view childcare services with apprehension, fearing it might not appropriately meet their daughter’s needs.

Dealing with identity role changes

The couple had to change by giving priority to their child’s needs. Even though travelling abroad was an important activity for them, the birth of their child put a temporary pause to this, due to her particular temperament and financial changes.

Sue needed to set closure and put on hold her professional identity which brought about another loss, that of co-breadwinner. Even though Joe agrees to the effects of this financial change, having sole responsibility only changed in terms of their usual activities for him rather than a change to his identity. Sue tends to worry more and has to deal with this financial and role change. What was previously a break might have become an energy consuming activity, like going to Gozo.

Paternal confidence as based on mother’s feedback

Time with the child is important for this couple’s confidence to develop. As Joe spent less time with Sai, he needed his wife’s support more.

Building values together

They have had time to build their own values and ideas as different from their parents, during their long-term relationship before the child was born. This gave them enough time to negotiate their couple relationship prior to the child’s arrival and smoothened the transition to parenthood.

Lack of external support and isolation

The couple’s lack of support from their respective parents was partly expected by Joe, yet did not match Sue’s expectations. She wished and thought that they will support them. Instead, the grandparents devoted all the attention to the baby, which made Sue and Joe feel completely unacknowledged as a couple. Even though they experienced more strain on their relationship due to this lack of support, they teamed up to overcome this sense of experienced abusive isolation.

At this moment in time somehow, the need of a maternal figure is greater for Sue. She yearns for her mother and being a mother now she finds it hard to understand how a mother cannot be there for you. Valuing motherhood differs from her mother, and Sue’s only sense of solace is in her husband. She acknowledges though that he lacks appropriate support in terms of participatory paternal-role models, since he is surrounded by male traditional roles.

They created their sense of spirituality, which helps them connect as a couple while regenerates them by giving them back their peace.

Understanding each other’s needs.

Coming from two different contexts, order for Joe means stopping and recharging, while order for Sue is anxiety provoking and does not stop to rest. Joe wishes for more understanding from Sue while at the same time living with the reality of a toddler makes it difficult for her to stay with it. Therefore Sue’s narrative is more characterized with: ‘if you stop you drop’, while Joe’s is ‘stop and recharge’. How does this fit with keeping toys in order is not clear.

Helen: How are you managing this? While Sue tries to take time to observe and understands his needs, especially those of work, so that she could respond to them better, they are not clear to her yet. Joe craves for more validation from her, to feel re-charged, yet they are still in process of finding better ways how to manage this.

Couples’ stories of management and unique outcomes

This couple seems resourceful in the complementarity of spiritual and terrestrial intuition respectively. They somehow manage to marry the two. In a later email upon reflection Sue wrote:

I I thought to insert this since I could not use better words to describe it.

Another strength and resource of this couple is Sue’s ability to stay with Joe’s realistic fears of change and his reciprocal trust in her. Managing multiple changes such as shift in his work with that of travelling to such a different country instilled increased fear in him, yet he was able to challenge it.

They met at a ripe stage where the relationship could handle change and evolution. Sue was understanding her own issues from her family of origin and tried to make sense of them and evolve, while Joe tended to be interested in this, accompanied her and conjointly grew in this journey.

They learnt together how to be parents in their own ways by trying out things and see if they workout or not, since they are not supported with other external parenting models. The natural and quiet environment in which they live, free from expectations is both supportive and isolating.

Prioritizing the relationship

Making quality time for the couple relationship is recognized as important and notwithstanding their very limited support, they use their creative resources to generate their we-ness time to sustain their relationship.

Joe found the parent training course as helpful, but both identify the need to learn beyond especially about the emotional, psychological and relational aspects of the aftermath, such as how to be a father, a mother and how to sustain the relationship, while dealing with health issues.

In conclusion this couple reflects a paradoxical experience of being the most challenging one in their long relationship experience and the most transformative one. They acknowledge the lengthy relationship prior to becoming parents helped them strengthen their relationship, which then sustained them through times of challenge, yet feel isolated. They acknowledge that they need more time to consider a second born.

4.3 Sai, Jake and Baby Mia

Mia was born, one-year post marriage, while Sai and Jake were still setting up their house. Even though born through natural delivery, the birth process was very difficult and set the tone for the initial stages of the couple’s story of parenting, reflected in Sai’s initial post-natal depression. The couple is privileged with paternal grandparents’ support and used their backup to attend to this interview which was held at my house.

I was touched with their deep connection throughout the interview, through exchanging gazes and seeking reciprocal reassurance. I also noticed that they were positioned differently. While Sai needed to share what she later described as a very

challenging and lonely journey, Jake seemed to have put it behind him and is looking at it from a positive point of view. It is remarkable to witness how they continuously and reciprocally seek each other. I felt that through such trauma, the couple kept connected bypassing their differences.

The gruesome experience of labor and childbirth

The couple was not prepared for such a difficult and painful experience. With hindsight she expected her mother, who is a nurse and had four children, to orient her more to the experience. She also expected the hospital staff to be more receptive towards her need for privacy and to better explain what to expect from labor and delivery, thus providing her with reassurance. She also wished for more understanding from her brother who also works in the health system.

The physical birth of the baby marred the first few months of mothering. She expected babies to bring happiness to the experience but she was disappointed and could not understand why she was feeling so. It was a difficult experience for the couple, yet Jake seems to have not allowed himself to dwell on it. It maybe his way to deal with her helplessness, but Sai needed more validation. This may suggest that she did not experience the space to talk about it sufficiently and needed more reassurance.

They were not equipped for the unexpected. This baby threw them off course. It required them to make decisions and be prepared for the unforeseen. Finding support in each other helped them go through the initial stages.

Wished to savor for longer the beauty of the experience

Managing breastfeeding successfully helped Sai experience a sense of competence and achievement as a mum. Having overcome the initial challenges, she wanted to savor the experience and was scared she would lose it by returning to work.

Relishing support, while adjusting to change in income

The couple underwent two particular factors, the change in income due to working reduced hours and living with the paternal parents. Upon reflection she realizes that his mother’s support was the main contributing factor to overcome post-natal depression. Jake seems more at peace with the change of income, while Sai accentuated a bit more the loss, emphasizing that the child’s needs take priority. It could be that Jake’s older age and different values might have shifted his priorities from material things to more meaningful aspects, while Sai as a younger woman might still yearn to upkeep her physical appearance.

Building parenting practices on their positive role models

The couple tried to amalgamate best parenting practices that they learnt from their respective parents, while negotiated areas of differences such as that of childcare,

which Jake fears, while Sai is more open to. Sai chose to stay with his fears for now, to support him to feel safe first.

Embracing change

The necessities of the couple and their sense of identity have shifted around the child’s needs. Their major change was of the loss of previous friends and hobbies, yet the parental experience is lived as compensatory and highly overshadows this loss, especially when feeling replenished by the experience of looking at the child, which is fulfilling and nourishing. Gradually the more confident they became in nursing and caring for their baby, the more joy and fulfillment they could feel. This is different to what they said earlier.

Jake was dealing with multiple changes. He changed his job, moved home and became a father and family man. He was ready for these changes. Sai was very supportive and reflexive of the complexity and difficulty of his changes.

Mutual expectations as influenced by gender identity roles

She needed to feel that she was not alone in carrying her responsibilities as a parent, as well as needed his reassurance. Jake thinks his wife ideally stays at home with the child, possibly echoing traditional beliefs. Having lesser hands on with looking after the baby and lack of the breastfeeding experience, did not limit him from transcending this role and feeling connected to the experience of parenting through the support he was giving her. It could be that his positive parenting role models provided him with this sense of security as a parent, coupled with the trust he puts in Sai’s ability to parent. Sai is still building her sense of confidence as a mother.

Children might be initially more attached to the mother than to the father. Sai acknowledged that lately Mia is looking out more for Jake and asking about him when he is not there. Previously they felt that Mia was more attached solely to Sai because of the mother having a more central role in parenting, but now it is shifting, which they bless and cherish.

Their relationship with God sustains their marriage and role as parents

Religious beliefs seem at the core of sustaining this couple’s relationship.

When I asked them about their sexual relationship the couple recalls that pain and body changes undergone following birth tended to initially put sex at the background, which with the husband’s supportive responses, sexual intercourse could slowly and gradually be resumed.

The couple would have liked the training to be more realistic, psychologically supportive and intimate.

In conclusion this couple seems to locate their story around the family. Their parental relationship spills over their couple relationship since one is strong and consequently strengthens the other. Spirituality seems at the core of couple’s relationship. The couple reflects mutual trust and leaning on each other, resorting to ongoing consultation, which keeps them connected throughout, which they do not seek to replenish with other couple space.

This chapter has featured the narratives of three couples while managing their relationship processes upon becoming parents. These couples reflect resilience and willingness to sustain their relationship while doing their utmost to provide adequate parenting for their offspring, managing their new developed gender identities. The results will be discussed in the following chapter.

CHAPTER 5:

DISCUSSION

CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION

This chapter will discuss the interpretative results in context of available research, satisfying the research questions within the conceptual frameworks previously mentioned, embedded within my reflexive processes. Clinical and future implications will also be suggested.

5.1 The interview experience

Following the interview, all couples felt the need to call me back, revealing its therapeutic experience, while instigated further conversations, reflecting that dialogue leads to dialogue (Anderson, 1987). They would have welcomed even longer time to talk about their experiences. Having the space to express the very isolating processes which they much have been deprived of, offered a healing effect. This typifies the curative effect of the experience of witnessing (Weingarten, 2000), their mutual parenting account of the experience and their reciprocal perceptions of each other as parents (Cudmore, 2012). Even though this sounds so basic, couples feel devoid of such space and experience. One of the couples suggested meeting again so I can share the results conjointly with all the couples. Couples showed enthusiasm and commitment to share their stories with others and myself, offering an authentic story to their experience, which enriched me.

Having engaged with the text helped me form more awareness about my fore- structure, that is, my initial traumatic experience of the transition to parenthood, which was later, redefined. Thus I allowed the new object to come in and stay (Smith, 2007). I used inter-subjectivity to interpret and make sense of these various hermeneutic circles which were ongoing, from the part, to the whole and back and reflecting upon my position in relationship with the researched and back (Schleiermacher, 1998). Nevertheless I am close enough to the subject to be able to connect better with the participants, but distant enough to embrace a more positive

identity shift as a parent and couple experience, which allows me for enough objectivity (Bishop & Shepherd, 2011).

The couples’ quick management processes, when comparing it to ours touched me. The artistic motion in hermeneutics, indeed kept me on my toes, yet I attempted to work through the tension to make sense of what emerged (Smith, 2007). Interviewing couples while I was pregnant, gave me a sense of security and hope, reminding me that my husband and I overcame this stage and are hopefully endeavoring another one, yet contemporarily experienced validation through these couples’ narrations, to that sense of isolating process which we similarly experienced. I chose to inform the couples about my pregnancy at the end of the interview, so that I avoid influencing the results, as well as to hopefully transmit hope to them with the news.

The initial shock

The social construction of the expected happiness and bond with the baby, was in sharp contrast to their initial experience which was marked by a sense of shock in all couples, when they actually got in touch with the pain, fear, loss of their previous couple life, sleep deprivation and isolation. This could have possibly been internalized through social discourses embedded in stories they may have heard. Sai and Jake’s story also featured the local health system and its impact on the formation of the couple’s story, suggesting an experienced invasion and lack of staff sensitivity towards their needs. Sue, Joe, Amy and Sam, relate the paradoxical experience of hardships, shock and beauty that require a long process to make sense of.

This reveals that couples formed their personal narratives (Edwards & Ribbens, 1998), or as Somers (1994) calls them, conternarratives, using different strategies, to construct what they perceived to be acceptable accounts of becoming parents. The narratives are multilayered and complex, comprising both social discourses and

personal narratives. I sensed that couples may have been denied their individual couple narrative, which may be distant from the public narrative that reverberates from embedded social discourses. This may be due to the fact that their experiences could not be located within the public or lay narratives, when they witnessed that their experience does not fit within such discourses. Thus couples may lose the plot when they attempt to make sense of the changes that they are experiencing and the pressure of conformity may be highly felt (Miller, 2000). Coming to terms with the meaning and process of this experience is not only an internal and couple process, but also located in the wider social context. Sue, Joe, Amy and Sam tended to feel initially disheartened, since they embraced different philosophies around parenting than their friends. For instance, when they observed other couples who seem to sacrifice less of their previous couple life, such as when they stay longer at parties than them, while they would have to leave to accommodate their children’s unique needs and choice of parenting.

LeMasters (1957) sustained that even though babies do not appear by surprise to couples, the concept of children was so romanticized in society that couples tended to be unprepared. This phase in the couples’ stories also accentuated the need for validation from others as part of the process of making sense. Amy felt relieved when she heard a less romanticized, similar story to hers from her friend, implying that her friend too did not feel this expected bond and happiness. This is suggestive, that like any other novel process, couples need reassurance, validation and gentle guidance post-birth to make sense and understand this ripe experience.

I tried to maintain a curious position to give space to the subjugated stories to emerge, since “there are always feelings and lived experience not fully encompassed by the dominant story” (Bruner, 1986, p. 143). For instance I felt that Sai was feeling a sense of shame throughout and was tentative initially to describe her lack of happiness upon the arrival of the baby. Sustaining awareness of my position of power as the interviewer, I tend to relate to Weingarten (2000), where she postulates her view about power in prevailing discourses. She re-considers the

consensual pause of a couple as usually understood as a moment to move on, into a moment of reflection to overcome marginalizing experiences. In fact, I felt the need to reassure and validate Sai, to give space for more safe conversation so she could feel free to be true to her experience, since her husband tended to intervene inserting a positive tone, which may have subtly undermined her traumatic experience. I also sensed a sense of anger from Sai, towards the distorted embedded stories, which might have been transmitted to her, especially from her mother and brother, who both work in the health system, depriving her from a more realistic view about the birth process. This felt paralyzing and disarming to her. I could have also been more curious towards the husband to explore where he gets his sense of support.

Studies show the paradoxical experience of fathers, such as that of joy and trouble, shocked between the discrepancy of what they expected and the real (Hall, 1995), experience discomfort, feel unprepared, lost and lack of reward (Henderson & Brouse, 1991). Sam’s attempts to support his wife were initially futile, since he felt that the baby sought solely his mother. He and his wife’s processes of realization of becoming parents occurred at different timings. Amy’s when she became pregnant and his when he saw the waters break, since they engaged in different activities during pregnancy. He focused on giving “birth” to the house, while she was already forming an emotional connection with the baby.

Similarly, Sue and Joe’s realization process occurred at the early stage of pre- conception, where Joe was more scared of fatherhood, while Sue felt alone for a while, till he could come out of the shock which the news of pregnancy exercised on him. Thus fathers surely benefit from support to make sense of these paradoxes. Jake immediately positioned himself to support Sai, towards which she reciprocated. Nevertheless he admitted his helplessness when Sai contacts him at work and feels there is nothing he could do from a distance. Fathers tend to construct their identities as joint with the partner, undifferentiated parental unit, more than mothers (Steve & Pleck, 2001). This means that whereas mothers tended to

experience the identity shift individually first, then as a couple, the fathers tended to experience it relationally through the couple identity.

Couples reflected two processes in their narrations. Initially they tended to speak from a solo voice parenting position, describing personal losses as experienced individually and then from a we-voice parenting position as couple and parents (Steve and Pleck, 2001). Sue described a moment of re-connection and validation when Joe understood her meaning of ‘increasing their love’ when having this baby. This featured a moment of couple attunement, similar to Sai and Jake where they engage in ongoing conversation and checking throughout the child’s milestones and decision-making, such as when their daughter is sick. Sam and Amy cherished their first time of finding some time together which was the most difficult during the first six months.

Couples went through a re-definition of their own parenting ideas and values and the way they view parenting in general. They became less judgmental and openly positioned to understand the children’s multiple needs. They equally understood parents who might reach an overwhelming stage of feeling like ‘shaking and grabbing’ their children or ‘throwing them out of the window’. Upon reflection, I could have been more curious and asked further around this process of recovery and how the couple managed it. At the same time I felt relieved hearing similar stories to ours, where exasperation and happiness are contemporarily lived. I found myself concordant with what Gadamar postulated:

Working out this fore-projection, which is constantly revised in terms of what emerges as he penetrates into the meaning, is understanding what is there. (1990, p. 267)

Becoming parents also featured an element of existential questioning about benefits of being older or younger. Joe questioned if it would have been easier if they were younger while Sue reflected that re-storying her childhood issues first, positioned her to provide more adequate parenting now, reflecting that it would be more

conducive to provide a corrective parental script (Byng-Hall, 2008). Sai and Amy both questioned the happiness the children initially bring and could not make sense of their sadness and devastation.

Experience of novel learning

The deprivation of basic needs, such as lack or disrupted sleep, impinges directly on the functioning and control levels of the couple, endangering previously available strengths and resources, like the ability to resolve conflict calmly. Other explanations focused on the partners’ decrease in self-regulatory strength, referring to their capacity to control impulses (Kluwer, 2010). Juggling between work and childcare demands, increase in crying and excessive parental fatigue due to interrupted sleep and in some couples breast feeding demands, decreases time for a constructive conflict resolution process and accommodating behaviors, which the couple may have had prior to the birth of the child (Crohan, 1996). Amy and Sam described the sleep deprivation and breastfeeding as a hard process and got them in touch with their ‘animal instincts’ ending up losing control and spilling anger on each other. Sam’s attempts to be patient and supportive were very hard to endure at times. Sue and Joe also recall humor as their major strength, which also played tricks on them due to tiredness and fatigue, ending up misunderstood.

Another contributing factor is that, the burden of the family may fall disproportionally on wives, depending on the real and perceived partner responsiveness, which reflects the partner’s psychological availability to respond to the other partner’s needs and wishes (Reis, Clark & Holmes, 2004). Sai’s story encapsulates the loss of letting go, not only the physical aspect of discontinuing to breastfeed, but especially the psychological loss of the expectation and meaning of breastfeeding, as a means of connection to her daughter and being a good mother. She perceives her husband as supportive, yet having to return back to work early, Sai experienced these losses painfully. Amy and Sue chose to fulfill the main caring role, yet perceive their husbands as supportive.

Situational factors

Sam’s increased work responsibility and Amy’s isolation might have led to the loss of her previous professional identity, since she temporarily stopped working, while Sam’s sole responsibility of the breadwinner’s role, might be the only traditional role he may have chosen to adhere to, aiming at relieving Amy. For her, his job means refreshment and break from home, while for him it means more responsibility and juggling to maintain work-life balance. Sue panicked when realizing her indispensability with the child when she was sick. Negotiating between the perceived and reciprocal needs of the respective partner might have needed re-negotiation, in that Joe held a ‘doing it on my own’ narrative, while Sue cherished a more ‘doing it together stance’. Thus understanding each others’ needs when either of them is sick, within the context of the child’s ever changing needs, was overcome by learning about each other in their long years in the relationship.

For Sai and Jake, living with paternal grandparents was a source of support during Sai’s post-natal depression. Nicholls and Ayers (2007) focused on childbirth-related post-traumatic stress disorder in couples, which impacts on the relationship, especially on women’s ability to maintain and develop meaningful relationships. Symptoms such as the effect on the sense of self, being less patient, feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, difficulty to empathize with others’ problems, feelings of isolation, fear of future pregnancy, sexual avoidance, disordered mother-infant bond, over-anxious or overprotective parenting styles, are all eventually reflexive in the couple relationship satisfaction. One main difference between the sexes was that males gave more importance to external lack of control over their daily functions during this transition while females referred also to the internal loss of control especially related to fear, confusion, feelings of violation, humiliation, dehumanization and anger, which later might have led to fear of intimacy, directly impacting on the couple relationship and marital satisfaction. This highlights the importance and impact of health care professionals in the childbirth experience, which might set the tone for the future experience of the couple and parenting

relationship. More research is needed on the male experience of the relationship and the mutual impact of the partners’ individual symptoms on one another.

Sex and sexuality

The couples reflect a change in their sexual activity and explain it as a gradual process. This is in line with studies, which show that the majority of couples experience a decline in their sexual functioning during the post-natal period (Cowan & Cowan, 2007). Initially this process is overtaken by the after pain of natural birth and the needs of the child, while on a longer term basis it may acquire a different and more profound meaning for the couples due to its lessened feasibility. All husbands have shown respect towards their wife’s physical and emotional readiness, which has been cherished and experienced as supportive by the wives.

Forming and negotiating parenting identities

All three couples adapted their daily living to the child’s unique needs. High spousal satisfaction is linked to low parental restrictions and a positive quality of parent- child relationship (Malinen et al., 2010). Amy and Sam owned the responsibility of setting very high standards for themselves in terms of parenting practices, such as giving importance to breastfeeding and homemade food and activities, while excluding technology. This necessitated increased energy and more hands on activities. A recent study featuring mothering contexts, tended to reflect unattainable ideals, echoing standards of unreachable perfection, affecting parents’ sense of confidence and competence (Douglas & Michaels, 2004). Upon reflection Amy is revisiting these practices and admits that she will be less hard on herself next time. Amy also describes a process of building a sense of confidence about motherhood, while Sam positioned himself to support her. Similarly Sue and Joe had to adapt their child’s activities to open spaces to prevent danger in context of her activeness.

While for the above two couples parenting practices were formed differently from their own parents, Sai and Jake adopted the best practices from their respective parents, added their own and are trying to negotiate areas of disagreement, such as whether to send the child to a nursery. Jake fears the child may not be well looked after. Belsky and Kelly (1994) found that couples relationships are more successful within unions with common grounds. These include, similar views about labour division, gender roles and responsibilities of parenthood, whose work is to be given more priority and shared gender ideology whether traditional or egalitarian. All three couples showed collaboration, mutuality and reciprocity in all these areas. In fact:

… the ability of couples to withstand stress, respond to change, and enhance each partner’s health and well-being depends on their having a relatively equal power balance. (Knudson-Martin, 2013, p. 5)

Changes in identity and isolation

Amy and Sue referred to their loss of professional/co-breadwinner identity, which previously contributed to a sense of financial and social independence. A sense of sacrifice features in the changes in physical appearance for Amy and loss of friends and hobbies for all three women. For husbands the sole breadwinning role, tended to be more embraced and less perceived as a burden. This is in line with Azzopardi’s (2007) study, which showed that men tend to perceive work as their main role. It could be due to the fact that this role is prescribed in Maltese males, as soon as they are born in a Maltese context, thus fulfilling it is a pride and possibly signifies being a good husband and dad.

Sam and Jake spoke about their temporary withdrawal from previous hobbies and activities, while for Joe and Sue it was hard to let go of their space abroad, which previously had a replenishing function for the couple. Jake welcomed his contemporary changes of shifting home, work and becoming a dad. Berg & Jools (2004) outlined a narcissistic phase, whereby it was initially hard for couples to give

up their mutual ideal parental fantasies. Notwithstanding, the parenting experience for these couples is lived as compensatory and highly overshadows these losses.

Consistently findings show that there is an increase in marital conflict and that the conflict is increasingly negative, upon the transition to parenthood, affecting more wives than husbands (Kluwer, 2010). A decrease in the adaptive processes was also found, including relationship maintenance, emotional responsiveness and partner’s support (Karney & Bradbury, 1995). Amy tends to live her isolation as more taxing than Sam perceives it. She thinks that he gets his replenishment from work while she feels confined at home with this child. For Sue the financial worries seem to be perceived greater than Joe and tend to cause conflict since the couple perceives it differently. Sai’s traumatic experience seems to be echoed louder than Jake’s attempt to tone it down, intentioned to support his wife. This could possibly capture the arrangement of power (Dickerson, 2010), which women may experience as being voiceless or not being heard, thus need to be louder or maybe resort to silence to foreground important issues to the relationship.

Borg Xuereb (2008), shed light on the impact of financial burden which contemporary couples might be facing, with more than half the women reported returning to work after 6 months of the baby’s birth. Having stable parental support for their childcare needs and women with higher level of education, were found to be more inclined to return to work. Nevertheless mothers were found to still take more responsibility for housework over time. For Amy and Sue, who both have a higher level of education, the lack of support towards childcare, might have led them to renounce work for a while, while Sai resorted to Jake’s parental support to be able to return back to work with reduced hours, soon after their child was born. However, all three women in my study felt supported by their husbands. For Sai this was a painful process to let go of the baby so early, while the other two mothers could delay the time where they would need to share their baby with other caregivers.

Risman and Johnson-Sumerford (1998) found that when women’s work outside the home was more valued, father’s involvement increased and that when women were highly educated there was increased relational quality amongst the couple. Even though all husbands valued their women’s work outside the home, irrespective of their education, fathers showed increased involvement in family life, both supporting their wives and being directly involved in parenting. In fact the three couples in my study reflect increased relational quality.

Journey towards building a family identity

All couples revealed a slow but consistent development of recursive, circular connection between childcare tasks and developing relational connections (Cowdery & Knudson-Martin, 2005). They seem to have developed more of a family identity, centering their activities on the child and family needs rather than the self. All couples renounced their previous individual and couple activities, which did not support their child and are responding to and learning about their child’s necessities, such as outside activities, keeping hours suitable to child’s needs and going out together as a family.

McBride and Rane (1998) reflected on the fathers’ sensitivity to their spouses assessments’ as parents. The more perceived shared philosophy, the more fathers feel empowered to be involved. Sam experienced his wife’s praise on his parenting involvement, responsivity and alliance as therapeutic, while Joe yearned for more trust and validation from his wife to increase his paternal confidence. When men feel criticized and consequently less competent, the risks for engendering defensiveness increases, thus couples risk entering fixed roles (Dickerson & Zimmerman, 1995). This required from me as the listener, to enter what is identified as radical listening, to elicit duality in what is being said and seems a singular description (White, 2000). In fact Joe felt he never got it right at times while she yearned for his sense of togetherness. Jake feels more confident in his supportive role towards his wife and she does not seem to expect more from him

other than containing her during her anxious states, where she lacks confidence in her motherhood role. Thus relationship and parental constructs depend on mutual expectations (Doss et al., 2009).

Marital satisfaction is mostly determined by the couples’ similarity in sex-role attitudes and expectations, the assumed marital roles and their corresponding factual behaviors. This means that if a spouse holds more traditional values but has to take on more egalitarian roles, there could be more resentment between the couple, which contributes to marital dissatisfaction (MacDermid et al., 1990). Milkie et al., (2002) based their study on role strain theory, which focuses on the discrepancy between what one expects and the outcome of work during parenthood, which eventually contributes to lower levels of well-being. Wives in this study tended to perceive their husband’s support as a bonus rather than part of their paternal identity roles, while acknowledged that it must be more difficult for them. Sue felt privileged with spending more time with their daughter, thus developed more maternal self confidence, while Amy felt that she is lucky to have her husband’s support in her choice of parental practices. Sai had more expectations on herself as a mother.

Contemporarily, the wives in this study created and supported opportunities for fathers to demonstrate their competence, acting opposite to the gatekeeping role, which may exist in some couples (Dudley, 1991). Contrariwise, Cowan & Cowan (1992) found that mothers might feel threatened by fathers who are more active and skilled, while fathers might be looked at strangely by society if they contribute more than expected. This was not the case for our couples, where wives cherished and supported independent paternal competence from their own. All the fathers have their time, space and methods with the child without the mother’s interference, as well as are open to learning, while collaborate with their partners’ needs. Even when this did not always occur immediately, their openness and motivation to learn transpired.

In the analysis, I tried to adopt what Ferree (2010), identified as relational intersectionality, whereby gender is identified in terms of process of dichotomies, which may give rise to complexities and inequalities such as struggles and conflicts. Sam tended to sacrifice his needs to privilege his wife’s choice of parental practices. This could also be observed during the interview where he gave her space to talk, perceiving her need for catharsis. Bryan (2002) implied that it is usually the least powerful partner who reworks more on the meaning attributed to the expected roles and surrenders them to the benefit of the couple team. Amy perceives this as supportive and feels that her husband is on board with her, providing her with validation and support. I could have been more curious how he takes care of his needs.

Inversely, Amy experienced his going to work as refreshing and replenishing, while she was not privileged with such space. Paradoxically this was more burdensome for Sam to juggle between the two roles. Contemporarily in his discourse it was embedded that he expected her to know how to be a mother and relied on her. The message that women naturally know how to be mothers, might be embedded in public narratives (Miller, 2000). Jake expected his wife to be home for two years to be able to stay with the baby. Concurrently, there was no provision of any options of how this could be done in practice. In fact Sai had to go to work and juggles between the two roles. Joe needed validation from his wife while she needed to experience a sense of togetherness from him. Johnson and Huston (1998) highlighted the couple’s strengths and resources and their ability to adjust their preferences simply out of love for their respective partner, out of desire to hold onto the emotional, physical and financial resources leading to a co-construction of sense of fairness. All couples in this study mirrored this.

Story of paternal connection

Doss et al., (2009) revealed that fathers showed significant relationship dedication after birth. All fathers in my study shifted to this role and supported their wives in

parenting processes, directly involving themselves in paternal practices. Sam initially found it difficult to connect emotionally with the child, since it required different communication skills. Amy thought he was treating the baby too much like an adult. Nevertheless his perseverance led him to transform it into a story of emotional connection with his son.

Joe feels very connected to their daughter, is in touch with her uniqueness and yearns for Sue’s validation to encourage his paternal confidence. The more support a man is given to be confident in the child rearing skills, increases his involvement with the child and will directly ameliorate the couple relationship quality (Bradley & Whiteside-Mansell, 1997; McBride & Rane, 1998). Amy extended her view about her husband, to recognizing him as a very good father, increased her fondness of him and enriched the couple’s relationship. Sue tended to reflect a similar experience when Joe validated her in their experience of adding to their love, while Sai expressed her fondness, that lately their daughter is shifting her attachment to him.

Men tend to relate more effectively to the child when they perceive them as less difficult (Volling & Belsky, 1991). Joe and Sam outlined their children’s unique challenges, yet seem to persevere and attune to the child’s needs and do not give in to the difficulties. Joe recognized that if he had given in to his fears he would have missed knowing this beautiful being.

The couples’ sense of isolation in the context of post-traditonal arrangements

The need for all three couples to talk about these experiences centers all the narratives. Previously pregnancy and childbirth were more normalized and the female community, who mostly stayed at home could share the experience amongst themselves. The nuclear family of today is featuring more isolation, thus this sharing and need for it may be overlooked and undermined, leading to more isolated experiences and increased need for validation and witnessing (Miller,

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2000). More recent birth cohorts, who might represent less traditional roles, such as parents with a professional career, who face increased expectations in active parenting participation, might require more adjustment post-birth (Jenkins, Rasbash & O’Connor, 2003). This risks a higher level of gender-role acculturation, in which gender role conflict may increase during this period, while couples are renegotiating new attitudes of masculinity and femininity (Kim, O’Neil, & Owen, 1996). A stalled revolution (Hochschild & Machung, 1989) was created with mothers’ greater contribution towards outside work. This is known as the second shift, which has not been corresponded immediately with males’ contribution towards housework and childcare, yet followed at a later stage.

For Sam the negotiation process of how to be a man, husband and father occurred within the wider social system. On the one hand he experienced his work flexibility as supportive, yet his choice to attend to his family’s needs meant a halt to his career progression. He observed his colleagues rising up the scale, while he attended to his family, which is in line with Kluwer and Heesink (1996), who found that even if only implicitly, men may experience their colleagues and employers as discouraging to reduce their hours at work. Stress stemmed from the conflicting demands at work and wanting to be at home with the family, which overall increased the tiredness and exhaustion (Moller et al., 2008). According to Sue, similarly Joe, is not supported by male models who participate in their family lives. Jake also struggles when he is at work and wishes to support Sai by attending immediately to their daughter’s needs.

Fatherhood is less strongly socially scripted, thus dads may benefit more from opportunities to acquire and practice parenting skills and ideally observe other male models to follow from (Malinen et al., 2010). Nevertheless the societal construct and expectation of fatherhood reflects a shift, implicating increased expectations of father’s involvement in the aspect of emotions and practical input (Draper, 1997). All women in this study cherish their husbands’ involvement.

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Couples, who wish to follow post-traditional gender roles, are not supported by dominant discourses, which are less reflexive of this shift of father’s involvement (Levine & Pittinsky, 1997; Hawkins et al., 2008). Contemporary cultural scripts for fatherhood are still less integrated in the cultural fathering script and post-gender parenting ideas, in which childcare is a collaborative endeavor. Thus it still needs to be supported within the power structures embedded in the social contexts and frames of parenting (Cowdery & Knudson-Martin, 2005). According to Lamb (1997), parents learn by doing, rather than possess a special sensitivity to infants, yet mothers may be privileged by spending more time, thus form increased sensitivity to respond to the child’s needs.

The Maltese tend to be striving to obtain higher parenting achievements through prioritizing more meaningful connections, both in the couple relationship and parental roles, simultaneously struggling to balance this within a dual earner family culture (Abela et al., 2013). Amy, Sam, Sue and Joe grant their responsibility to their choices of being different and realize the isolation it may have brought about, yet prioritize connections more, both amongst the couple and with their child.

Men and women seem to differ about how much they are concerned about the effect of their work on their offspring. While males tend to overcome this ambiguity by refuging in long hours at work as a perceived sacrifice for the family, females who return to work, tend to be characterized by more sacrifice and “guilt for failing to conform to the motherhood mandate as prescribed by the cultural norms, in Malta often explicitly or implicitly, exposed by the Catholic Church” (Rizzo, 2009, p. 5) and influence by grandparents (A. Abela 1998).

Amy and Sue chose to temporarily sacrifice their career, to attend to the children. This option, coupled with their distinctive parenting practices, isolated them somehow. Sam tends to strive to manage his work-life balance, similar to Sai. Sai reflected pain in her narrative, while going back to work, in her detailed description about the ache of separation from her daughter and her expectations as a mother.

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She is also aware of her lack of confidence as a mother and still perceives certain roles as dubious. Jake tends to focus more on providing a supportive role, yet did not implicitly refer to the wish for increased involvement. Contemporarily he feels helpless when he is at work to attend to their child’s health needs. Thus even though subjugated stories in these couples around inequality in marriage are indirectly referred to, yet they seem not tackled or acknowledged as a strain to the couple relationship (Goodrich & Silverstein, 2005).

Social Support

Sue, Joe, Amy and Sam similarly emphasized their insufficient social support, which usually mediates the quality of the couple and parental relationship (Moller et al., 2008; Castle et al., 2008). Sam and Amy report a story of exception when they went to Hungary near her maternal parents, where they could temporarily experience a sense of normality and connections with the grandparents’ support. Nevertheless, both couples resorted to their internal sources of strength and mutually supported each other to counterbalance this absence. Sue accentuated how much she misses her mum during this time and the turmoil it evokes in her. Joe complemented her status by adding that they really do not ask for much.

As she becomes a mother herself, her relationship with her own mother and her mixed feelings about how she was mothered are very much on her mind. (Cudmore, 2012, p. 77)

However, they attribute their management process in the investment in their long relationship, during which they co-constructed their new identities and re-worked challenging intergenerational themes. Having their own values and ideas as different from their parents supports them. Amy also felt isolated in a village, where people may still project traditional ideas. Sam continued by voicing his story of lack of models and how he needs to improvise and learn his role alone, based on his wives’ response and feedback, rather than any other certainties which he may

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have learnt from society or his dad or other existing father models. This is in line with studies on intergenerational transmissions, which postulate that:

…new parents’ own experiences within their families of origin may influence role models or mental representation of family functioning on a conscious and an unconscious level. (Perren et al., 2005, p.443)

In fact, the ways partners bring their set of beliefs and expectations of gendered family roles, will effect the couples’ interactions and transition (Waller & McLanahan, 2005).

Through trans-generational transmission of relationship patterns (Cudmore, 2012), these couples got in touch with their own parents’ strengths or deficiencies during this transition. Sai and Jake chose to adopt what worked from their respective parents, implementing them to their own practices. Nevertheless, the latter author also highlights that the current supportive or non-supportive role the grandparents’ play needs to be considered, and its affects on the couple’s relationship. In Sue’s and Joe’s case, the disappointment in their lack of support is so strongly transmitted, that it may overshadow or maybe accentuates family of origin already existing dynamics, which are also perpetuated in the grandparents positions. The couple also reflects its effects on their relationship, in that they had to adjust to the grandparents’ needs rather than the other way around. This is in line with the relational-cultural theory (Jordan et al., 1991) which postulates that women develop and function optimally in relationship to others, thus during this time of disconnection, they feel deprived of understanding, empathy, lack of interpersonal connection which they usually draw from, to nurture their sense of self, skills and values as women, ending up misunderstood.

This study needs to be contextualized in the Maltese context whereby we still embrace the value of sustaining a marriage yet new challenges emerged, such as the complexity of dual earner family systems, which require multiple roles from the couple. This is foregrounded by a still very strong legacy of family life, especially by

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parents, who are particularly influential in Malta in the life of a couple and their offspring (Abela, 2014). Tabone (1995) found that 68.3% of married couples continue to reside in their parents’ same locality. This may feature the intrusive and controlling social control function of grandparents (Abela, 2014), but at the same time it may also portray advantages such as supporting dual-earner family unit, by the grandparents providing support with the children, which is still the preferred child-care alternative by the parents (Cauchi, 2013), averaging 17 hours per week (NSO, 2014a). Only Sai and Jake tend to adhere to the above context, in which paternal grandparents’ support is trivial.

Studies show that women seem more likely to experience difficulties with the in- laws than men (Moller et al., 2008). Sai’s experience of her mother in law, tends to differ, in that she played a fundamental role to support Sai overcome post-natal depression, by providing continuous support through babysitting, so that Sai could manage work, while re-storied Sai’s narrative to accept backing rather than doing it on her own.

Gibson-Davis and Brooks-Gunn (2006) postulated that foreign-born mothers exhibit very different mother behaviours from Maltese mothers. Sam and Amy attributed these differences and isolation to culture. Nevertheless, one needs to consider other factors such as level of education, views about parenting, which might differ from traditional views, her foreign context and how they reciprocally contribute to this isolation. In fact my own biases where at play when they were referring to generalized comments on Maltese people, in that I know Maltese who are different and there may be other contributing factors arising to these differences, such as Sue and Joe for instance, who made similar choices in their parenting practices and still experience isolation. Amy also reflected on the contextual differences, implying that in Hungary, parenting practices are supported at policy level, whereby women are paid maternity leave for two years. This financial support facilitates increased attachment between mother and child according to her. This may be true reflecting on Sue’s financial worries and Sai who had to go back to work.

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Managing differences

Sai and Jake are still negotiating their differences in child-care conceptions. Sai put on hold her ideas, and is waiting for Jake to feel more reassured. Simultaneously, their ongoing communication and consultation keeps them connected and bear with such differences understandingly. Amy and Jake took time to form mutual trust and confidence in each other’s parenting, through observing each other. Managing differences for this couple was also a process within the larger social context, in which they attempted to hold post-traditional gender roles, possibly at the cost of isolation and lack of support. Seeing positive results in their son, encourages them to pursue such values and principles, which further prepared them to re-challenge the parenting process with a second born. Sue and Joe are still in process of managing their difference, in their perception about order. Like in their previous challenges, where Sue could stay with Joe’s shock by lessening her expectations and satisfy Joe’s need for validation, they hope to overcome this phase as well and hopefully be ready to re-challenge their parenting process.

Strengths and resources

All couples featured moderate to high relational responsivity (Matta & Knudson- Martin, 2006) reflecting a sense of equality, attunement to each others’ needs, hold equal gender ideologies in sharing parental responsibility, attending to each others’ needs and valuing work.

Marital satisfaction is based on the mutual perception of the co-parenting processes and parental alliance and attunement (Hawkins et al., 2008). Amy feels reassured by his ability to step back to support her ideas, which then gives her space to receive his. This tolerance bridges the couples’ different processes, connecting their stories. Instead, Amy does not tend to prolong her anger unnecessary, which facilitates the couples’ conflict management, reduces openings for resentment, promoting safety for diversity in their discussions. Similarly Sue’s ability to stay with Joe’s fears of

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change and his reciprocal trust in her supports the couple. This sense of reciprocity is very striking and experiencing it made quite an impact on me, reminding me of the power of love and its ability to instigate change and movement.

Feminist studies have shown that change in families may have been viewed in terms of crises, rather than representing an opportunity towards growth and dealing with social inequalities (Ferree, 2010). Sam and Amy view their differences as strength and find it reciprocally supportive to sustain post-traditional gender identity roles. I observed that Sue and Joe are willing to support each other through their mutual perceptions of their reciprocal needs, while being contemporarily open to recognize that they do not always get it right. They keep on trying though and this is the forte of their relationship. A story of reinvention is striking in this couple’s narrative, which is characterized by a trial and error identity learning, as individuals, couple and now family. They also had to cut-off themselves physically from the social context to be able to sustain such differences, away from socially constructed expectations, yet paradoxically experience it as isolating at times.

Co-parenting quality is strongly associated with marital satisfaction and is considered as the extent to which the couple can work together towards raising their children (McClain, 2011). Amy and Sam noticed that forming paternal relationship bettered also the couple relationship and increased their connection. When he increased confidence in bonding with his son, he could experience increased marital satisfaction.

Sue and Joe reflect a paradoxical experience of being the most challenging one in their long relationship experience and the most transformative one. This couple seems resourceful in the complementarity of her spiritual and his worldly intuition respectively. They somehow managed to marry the two in their long relationship, which set base for the arrival of a child. Studies show that the longer the couple have been together before birth there will be smaller increases in relationship conflict, known as relationship commitment and confidence (Doss et al., 2009). This

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helped them co-create a safe and solid base, co-constructed their identities and stories together and re-negoiated their own parenting style.

Religious beliefs seem at the core of Sai’s and Jake’s story. God and their spiritual life constitute part of their belief system and meaning making process. They also pertain to a religious group and practice certain religious rituals, which they describe as replenishing, sustains their relationship and helps them to be strong together. Another asset is their mutual trust and leaning on each other, maintaining ongoing consultation, which keeps them connected throughout.

Sam and Amy are privileged by an open narrative learning style and outlook towards growth. This may also be reflexive of their strengths of negotiating the couple’s story and relationship, characterized by the ability of self-reflection and openness towards growth. This was also noticed in their reflexive process of what they might do differently next time as parents.

Reflecting on what works

All the above relationship virtues (Hawkins et al., 2008), which were outlined by the couples under study, seem to directly contribute to their management, construction and maintenance of their marital satisfaction. Sam assumed the role to take care of the wellbeing of the relationship, while Amy may have been consumed with motherhood. Sam seems more determined and confident, thus had more space to push his agenda to safeguard the couple. They learnt that prioritizing the couple and working through the relationship, sustained their marital satisfaction, helped them form a healthy parental alliance and eased them towards individual growth.

Sam provides Amy with emotional reassurance regarding the safety and wellbeing of the baby, while she reciprocally trusts him. It took time to understand the needs of parenting, both individually and then co-constructing it as a couple. There were times where they lost hope and were going to give up, but somehow found space

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and courage to talk through their differences. The overall journey left the couple feeling more connected both as a couple and as a family. The couple’s process towards maintaining marital satisfaction features a learning journey of loss, re- found, re-connection, sense making, and meaning making process, formation of new identities, new couple-hood identity and new family identity.

In general studies reflect that spousal time predicts marital satisfaction, including couples quality time or together time, hours at work and increased house work and child related work, which is all reduced from the couple’s previous time together (Dew, 2007). Relationship dedication refers to the intrinsic desire to maintain the relationship for the long term, considering the relationship and couple identity as a priority (Doss et al., 2009). Sue, Joe, Amy and Sam prioritize this time, while Sai and Jake tend to do it by frequently interchanging and consulting with each other, as well as during their spiritual space. Sai and Jake tend to locate their story around God and the family. All three families seem to pertain to what Minuchin (1974) identified as cohesive nature, which represent emotionally involved members, similar to Johnson (2003) ‘cohesive families’ or Belsky and Fearon (2004) consistently supportive to consistently moderate families, in which functioning in one sub-system was similar to the other sub-system.

Parenting skills training

Studies reflect that the impact of birth on relationship functioning does not depend on the type of pre-marital education received (Doss et al., 2009). Yet studies targeting the couple relationship and increased father’s involvement have shown a direct contribution to marital satisfaction (Cowen et al., 2007). Sue reflected that no matter how much courses, even on the relationship aspect, nothing can really prepare you until it hits you. Joe and Sam found it beneficial, yet yearned for more preparation about the emotional, psychological and relational aspects of the aftermath, such as how to be a father and a mother, the roles and how to sustain the relationship and dealing with health issues. Amy talked about the gap following

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birth. Sai and Jake found it crowded and less intimate, unnecessarily long, outdated and not helpful for their preparation. They felt the need for a smaller group approach and a therapeutic collaborative element, where they could discuss more openly while feeling safe and comfortable.

5.2 Clinical and Practical Implications and Recommendations

This study suggests that parenting programs need to give importance to the relationship of the parents. More follow up approaches such as relationship-based interventions including home-visits to the isolated parents, especially the parent who stays at home with the child are needed. Peer support, with other parents is also needed so that experiences are shared. This instigates hope and reassure, that this phase will be over and that they are doing a good job. It also helps them to overcome their fear of not being able to provide consistent parenting (Jordan et al., 1991). Paris and Dubus (2005) suggested a project of ‘visiting mum’. This is a home-based relational intervention, providing families with the necessary support during this challenging time, acting as a senior mother who provides assistance, guidance, keeps them empowered and connected. This is based on Relational- Cultural Theory (Jordan et al., 1991), since women tend to function optimally in relation to others. They also need support to rebuild connections not only with their partner and family members but also widen their support system, which is known as ‘relational empowerment’ (Cowen et al., 1985), to overcome their sense of disconnection.

Since parental emotional expressiveness, positively contributes to the couples’ abilities to manage their challenges while childrearing, clinicians might have a major role to support couples to bolster positive emotions, to help them set the tone to their parenting and couple interactions, clarify their conflictual ideas of parenting contextualized in positive emotions, as well as avoiding triangulation (Kerig, 1995). As clinicians we need to engage in more radical listening with couples undergoing the parenting process, to help them deconstruct dominant

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cultural discourses about roles, which would help redefine meaning into new understanding of their relationship, fostering partnership, connection and care (Dickerson, 2010). Dickerson outlined that addressing power imbalance in therapy is one of the most unspoken aspects in relationship expectations and mutual support from each partner. Thus in therapy we need to be well in tune and address appropriately power issues, which underlie any relationship.

Studies on attachment styles amongst couples seem to be more observable and obvious during stressful times as may be the transition to parenthood. A significant link has been observed between insecure attachment and relationship dissatisfaction, especially within couples showing fearful and dismissing attachment styles (Moller, Hwang & Wickberg, 2006). This might be helpful for couples, since if it is brought to their awareness, it might support them from withdrawing and hopefully better adjust their behavior and reconnections.

Locally, the ‘Positive Parenting Policy’ was aimed at sustaining the family, since it is considered as fundamental for future investment towards Maltese society. This enables to build a positive and preventative culture, synergetic infrastructure to sustain family relationships and prioritizing children’s best interests. This is in line with the 2012-2015 European Convention towards children’s rights (Daly, 2011). It calls forth a synergetic infrastructure, with systemically based services, ranging from home based interventions with couples and children, courses focusing on couple relationships and not only on parenting (Borg-Xuereb, 2008), training and support for grandparents who carry a near-parenting role (Cauchi, 2013) and health, justice and school interventative-based systems. We also need to ameliorate professional proficiency, to continue to support the couple relationship in their parenting. One may also need to invest in promoting father’s support in the upbringing of the children, which has also been found to encourage couples to have a second child (Tanrurri, 2014). This may prevent the serious drop in Maltese fertility rate. This is also in line with the vast research correlating that increased

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relationship quality, couple satisfaction, mutual support and attunement directly relates to more positive parenting (Kluwer, 2010; Fulgini & Brooks-Gunn, 2002).

Our interventions need to focus on relationship enhancement, supporting the couple by teaching them emotional regulation skills (Shapiro & Gottman, 2005) and co- constructing their relationship during such time of transition, as well as home-based interventions where attachment-based intercessions, promoting high reflexive functioning between the couple themselves and the children may be modeled (Abela & Grech Landranco, 2014). As clinicians we also need to support the couple to describe their childhood experiences of their own parents’ marriage since the impact of family of origin experience seems to be particularly high during such challenging time of transition (Perren et al., 2005).

Supporting the couple to understand that this is a challenging time and knowing what and how to manage the different challenges, might help them do things differently and deal more effectively with the transition to parenthood. This will not only prevent relationship difficulties, which may lead to separation/divorce, but will also safeguard the children’s development (Grych & Fincham, 1990). Programs might need to be reconsidering their targets, since previously they tended to target mothers and focus on ameliorating parenting skills. More couple-focused interventions are needed, including both partners, enhancing father’s involvement and skills, since father’s involvement is a basis for marital stability (Cox et al., 1989). In their preventative group intervention, Schulz et al., (2006), found that couples identified a set of topics which they found important, including couple communication, division of labor, problem solving methods, parenting, work and social support. This study may be an important guide to developers of parenting programs, which need to include the dual aspect of infant care and couple processes, while expose couples to real-life situations, creating a corporate culture in which the workplace is more conducive to family life (Rizzo, 2009).

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The current study also drew from the relational analysis work of Luepnitz (1988), which is rooted in feminist history. She postulates that social practices which exclude fathers from family life are unfavorable and thus positions us therapists to support fathers involve themselves with their wives and children in contexts of these political and economic scenarios and their interplay within the couple relationship. This means that we need to challenge traditional patterns of gender and power that influence relationships, by asking couples to reflect on how they make decisions as well as asking around stereotypic gender constructions, which may limit the couple. We can also make equal patterns visible and privileged so that we may encourage similar interactional behaviors amongst the couple (Matta & Knudson Martin, 2006). We also need to give more voice to the father’s experience, feelings and roles.

5.3 Benefits for future research

More positive studies, perhaps on non-clinical population would help increase insight on what helps. Another area, which might need more focus, is the impact of the level of commitment, which more likely tends to increase during such transition (Kluwer, 2010). Future research needs to account for the couples that fair better and investigate further the determinants of changes in marital interactions after the first born, to provide us with more insight into the changes of the psychological mechanisms during such transition.

More studies are needed to elicit additional detailed effects of marital adaptations and interactions, since most studies are longitudinal (Kluwer, 2010) and fail to address effects of positive support systems such as those of extended family, which are more similar to our Maltese context, effects of more children other than the first born and cross-cultural differences. More intensive methods like diary and series analysis have been suggested. Focus on recovery/un-recovery, agreement/disagreement by the couple on identity change from husband and wife to mother and father, reflecting role congruence (Cast, 2004) is also needed. Other

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situational factors might need more qualitative studies such as the country pertinent social benefits impact, such as maternity leave benefits.

We also need to increase our attention on research about gender, power and equality, supporting father’s involvement as well as wives responsivity to such involvement. Future research may also benefit from observational studies whereby parents are witnessed while interacting with their children to understand better the couple relationships and family interactions (Kolak & Volling, 2007). We also need to continue to study how fathers and mothers co-create each other within the context of their relationship and wider social context, such as the impact of delaying marriage on their couple and parenting relationship. Future research may also need to consider how come young people are afraid of commitment (Tabone, 1995) and its impact on the couple relationship during this initial family transition (Rackin & Gibson-Davis, 2012).

5.4 Limitations

The sample size of this study was based on only 3 Caucasian married couples pertaining to middle and middle lower social class background and all had some form of premarital and parental training courses. Qualitative research has shown that parenting beliefs vary by social class, such as for instance middle-class parents might be more well read about parenting practices than lower-class parents who might believe that parenting is a natural process and does not need active learning (Guzzo & Lee, 2008). Thus it does not attempt to generalize results but mostly highlights points of interest in the detailed stories presented in this study.

5.5 Conclusion

This research sought to understand how married couples living in Malta co- construct meaningful and significant stories about the experience of their relationship during the arrival of the first-born. It also attempted to reflect how

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stories around gender identities are formed, managed and told during such transition and how these experiences influence marital satisfaction.

This study was carried out within the current context of dual-earner family systems living in Malta, which represent most of the western world reality even in families with young children where parents juggle between different life spheres (Malinen et al., 2010). It is important to delineate that the increased social and economic burdens challenge the couple’s relationship rather than the children themselves (Bird, 1997). Systems theory sustains that times of transition bring about disequilibrium, yet they also recognize that equilibrium is swiftly reached through family interactions (Minuchin, 1985). However this study shows that “young” parents may need help to adjust and find this equilibrium.

The couples in this study reflect their attempts to form their own parenting styles, adopting post-traditional gender roles, or as Cowdery and Knudson-Martin (2005) coined them as post-gender couples. They resort to their strengths and resources such as ongoing communication, couple time and negotiation, entering into a process whereby one partner might stay back for the other partner to make sense and reach the other. New stories and new perspectives (Grima, 2006) are being formed around Maltese family life and couple relationships, which entail ongoing negotiation to keep connected in this context of gender re-shifting (Abela, 2014). One of the couples could also rely on external sources of support. This represents an ongoing process, which is re-challenged with every phase of the child’s milestones, yet as the couple increase confidence in their parenting roles, the negotiation process is facilitated.

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APPENDIX

Appendix 1: Recruitment Letter Appendix 2: Consent form Appendix 3: Interview guide

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Appendix 1: Recruitment Letter/s

Letter of Invitation Stories of Couples during their transition to parenthood

Dear Participant,

I am currently reading for Professional Training in Systemic Psychotherapy, with the Institute of Family Therapy, Malta. (IFT, Malta). I am working on my final Thesis, under the guidance of my tutor, Ms Carmen Delicata, from the above-mentioned institute. This research is fully funded by the Malta Government Scholarship Scheme (MGSS), under the Ministry of Education.

I would like to invite you to participate in the research process about: Stories of couples during their transition to parenthood. I am interested to find out how couples create and construct meaningful experiences while managing the challenges of their relationship upon the arrival of the first-born. I am also interested in the male and female perspectives of the experiences, to underline similarities or differences and their process of negotiation. The research will be carried out through an interview with the couple together. The interviews will take approximately one and a half hours. The information will be digitally recorded and transcribed. I will be treating your stories and experiences with respect and ensure confidentiality and anonymity in the write up of my thesis and any identifiable information will be changed or omitted if necessary. My tutor, Ms Carmen Delicata and myself will only handle this information. I will ensure that all the recordings and audiotapes will be discarded after the research is completed in 2015. I will provide you with a copy of the findings after the finalization of the work, upon request. A copy of this thesis will also be available at the Institute for Family Therapy – Malta (IFT).

I wish to ensure that this research may not cause any distress during the interviewing process and thereafter. Thus, I may ask you to withdraw from the study at any point in time, may I notice that the research is not safeguarding your psychological and emotional well-being. I will further suggest the adequate support if deemed necessary.

A debriefing time will also be dedicated, following the interview, so that you have space to express the research experience and any positive or negative emotions, which may have arisen. I will provide the necessary interventions and support or refer you to the adequate services, if the case may arise.

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Your involvement in this study is voluntary and you may choose not to participate or withdraw from participation at any point in time. A baby sitter will be provided if needed during the time of the research. I am open and available to discuss any queries you may have, including fears, doubts, areas of discomfort, prior to the interview for further clarification about your decision to participate or not in this study. May you wish to participate, kindly sign the attached consent forms.

This research proposal has been reviewed and approved by the IFT Research Ethics Committee, which is a committee whose task is to make sure that research participants are protected from harm.

Your contribution in this area will be very helpful. Thank you very much in advance.

Yours truly,

Helen Attard Micallef Professional Training in Systemic Practice – Student

Mobile Number: 99240494 Email: [email protected]

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L-istejjer tal-koppji waqt li jsiru ġentiruri.

Ittra ta’ Invit

Gheżież Parteċipanti,

Bħala parti mil-istudji tiegħi fil-‘Professional Training in Systemic Psychotherapy’, mal-Istitut tat-Terpija tal-Familja, Malta (IFT), qed nikkonċentra r-riċerka tiegħi fuq L-istejjer tal-koppji waqt li jsiru ġentiruri. L-interess primarju tiegħi hu fuq kif il- koppji jikkrejaw u jibnu flimkien stejjer importanti u li jagħmlu sens waqt li jħarrsu r-relazzjoni tagħhom mal-wassla ta’ l-ewwel wild. Interess ieħor jirrigwarda l- perspettivi simili jew differenti tan-nisa u l-irġiel, u l-proċess ta’ kif dawn jiġu innegozzjati. Dan ha nagħmlu taħt is-supervizzjoni ta’ tutor mil-istess istituzzjoni, s- Sinjura Carmen Delicata. Dan l-istudju hu ffinanzjat mil-iskema tal-boroz tal-istudji tal-Gvern (MGSS) taħt il-Ministeru ta’ l-Edukazzjoni.

Għaldaqstant, nixtieq nistedinkom biex tieħdu sehem fil-proċess ta’ investigazzjoni ta’ din ir-riċerka permezz ta Intervista lill-koppja flimkien li se tiġi irrekordjata fuq ‘audiotape’. L-intervisti jdumu madwar siegħa u nofs. L-informazzjoni kollha se nittrattha b’mod kunfidenzjali, filwaqt li nħares l-anonimita tagħkom. Wara li nikkonkludi din it-tezi, jekk tkunu tridu, ntikom kopja tar-riżultati ta’ din ir-riċerka. Kopja ohra se tingħata lil Istitut tat-Terapija tal-Familja (IFT), Malta. L- informazzjoni miġbura se tkun aċċessibbli għalija u għas-supervisor tiegħi, s-Sinjura Carmen Delicata u se tintuża għal-fini unika ta’ din ir-ricerka. L-informazzjoni miġbura se nħassarha kif meħtieg meta t-tezi finali tiġi ppreċentata fl-2015.

Waqt din ir-riċerka nixtieq nassigura li s-saħħa mentali u emozzjonali tagħkom, tiġi mħarrsa b’mod sħiħ. Għaldaqstant nista’ nistaqsikom biex tiefqu mil-istudju f’kull parti tar-riċerka, jekk inħoss li l-istudju qed jikkawża effetti negattivi fuqkom. Fejn hemm bżonn, se nattendi għal-bżonnijiet speċifici li jistgħu jinqalgħu, anki jekk dan ifisser li jkun hemm bżonn nirreferikom għas-sapport adekwat.

Wara li nispiċċa l-intervista, se nipproċessa l-esperjenza magħkom biex ikollkom ħin u spazzju tesprimu dak li għextu ta’ għajnuna u anqas t’għajnuna u jekk forsi ġewx imqanqla xi emozzjonijiet negattivi li jirrikjedu aktar sapport. Għal darb’ ohra, noffrilkom l-għajnuna fejn jinħass neċessarju u fejn ikun hemm bzonn nirreferikom għal aktar għajnuna u sapport.

Il-parteċipazzjoni tagħkom f’dan l-istudju hi kompletament volontarja u tistgħu tirtiraw f’kull punt fejn tħossu neċessarju. Jekk ikollkom bżonn ta’ baby sitter, nista’ nipprovdikom b’dan is-servizz waqt il-ħin ta’ l-intervista. Jekk tixtiequ tipparteċipaw, jekk jogħġobkom iffirmaw l-formoli mhemuża.

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Il-proposta għal-din ir-riċerka ġiet approvata mil-Bord tal-Etika tal-Istitut għat- terapija tal-Familja – Malta. Ir-rwol tagħhom hu li jassiguraw li r-riċerka ma tpoġġix jew tesponi l-parteċipanti għal ebda riskju.

Il-kontribuzzjoni tagħkom f’dan il-qasam hi ta’ ġafna għajnuna u valur. Grazzi ħafna bil-quddiem.

Dejjem Tagħkom,

Helen Attard Micallef Professional Training in Systemic Practice – Studenta.

Numru tal-Mobajl: 99240494 Emejl: [email protected]

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Appendix 2: Consent Forms

Consent form

Stories of Couples during their transition to parenthood

I, undersigned, hereby agree to participate in the study carried out by Ms Helen Attard Micallef, entitled: Stories of couples during their transition to parenthood submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirement of the Professional Training in Systemic Practice Course with the Institute of Family Therapy, Malta. I have read the letter of invitation with all the information about the above-entitled research. I have had the opportunity to consider the information and clarify all my concerns about my participation in the research. All my questions have been answered to my satisfaction. I understand that all data will be kept confidential and anonymity will be respected. I also understand that the researcher and her tutor Ms Carmen Delicata will only use the information, for the sole purposes of this research. I also understand that audiotapes and transcripts will be destroyed after the completion of the thesis. All the information will be treated according to the Maltese Data Protection Act. I also understand that my participation is voluntary and that I can refrain from the research at any point in time or be guided by the researcher to refrain from the research if she may deem necessary for my well-being. I also understand that if the researcher may deem necessary, she will refer me to the appropriate support/services.

I therefore agree to take part in the above-mentioned study.

______Participant Helen Attard Micallef

Professional Training in Systemic Psychotherapy – Student ______Date

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Formula ta’ Kunsens

L-istejjer tal-koppji waqt li jsiru ġentiruri.

Jien hawn taħt niffirma li naqbel li nipparteċipa f’dan l-istudju, li qed tagħmel is-Sinj. Helen Attard Micallef, bl-isem ta’: “L-istejjer tal-koppji waqt li jsiru ġentiruri”. bħala parti mil-kors ta’ Professional Training in Systemic Practice ma l-Istitut tat- terapija tal-familja, f’Malta. Jiena qrajt l-informazzjoni kollha dwar din ir-ricerka, li giet pprovduta fl-ittra ta inivit. Jiena kelli l-opportunita li nevalwa u niċċara l- informazzjoni u l-konċerni tiegħi kollha li għandhom x’jaqsmu mal-parteċipazzjoni tiegħi f’din ir-riċerka. Il-mistoqsijiet tiegħi kollha ġew iċċarati b’mod sodisfaċenti. Jiena nifhem li l-informazzjoni kollha se tinżam kunfidenzjali u l-anonimita tiegħi se tiġi mħarrsa. Dan kollu fl-isfond tal-Liġi Maltija tal-Protezzjoni tal-Informazzjoni. Jien nifhem li l-informazzjoni se tintuża biss mil-istudenta u t-tutor tagħha, Ms Carmen Dlicata, għal fini ta’ din ir-riċerka biss. Wara li din ir-riċerka titlesta, l- informazzjoni kollha irrekordjata u miktuba se tiġi mħassra. Jien nifhem li l- parteċipazzjoni tiegħi hi kompletament voluntarja u ukoll li nista’ nirtira mil-istudju fi kwalunkwe punt, kif ukoll nista niġi ggwidat mil-istudenta biex nieqaf, jekk hi tħoss li s-saħħa psikologika u emozzjonali tiegħi qed tiġi affettwata hażin minn dan l-istudju u mhix mħarrsa b’mod tajjeb. Jiena nifhem ukoll, li jekk l-istudenta tħoss in-neċessita, hi se tiggwidani għas-servizzi li jipprovduli s-sapport neċessarju fl- eventwalita.

Għaldaqstant jiena naċċetta li nieħu sehem f’dan l-istudju.

______Partiċipant/a Helen Attard Micallef

Professional Training in Systemic Psychotherapy – Studenta ______Data

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Consent form

Stories of Couples during their transition to parenthood

To be filled by the student

I wish to acknowledge that I have explained, to the best of my ability, to the above participant, the nature and purpose, procedures, as well as the possible risks and potential benefits, of this research. I confirm that the participant was given the space and opportunity to ask questions about the study and all questions asked have been answered truthfully and fully. I certify that the individual has not been forced to consent and the consent has been given freely and voluntarily. The information obtained about the above participant during this research study will only be used for the sole purpose of this research. The original copies will be available to my supervisor, Ms Carmen Delicata, and me and will be destroyed afterwards. A copy of the Information Sheet and a signed copy of this Consent Form will be given to the participant.

______Helen Attard Micallef – Student Ms Carmen Delicata - Supervisor Professional Training in Systemic IFT - Malta Psychotherapy

______Date

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Formula ta’ Kunsens

L-istejjer tal-koppji waqt li jsiru gentiruri.

Biex tintela mil-istudenta

Jiena niċċertifika li spjegajt, bl-aħjar mod li naf, lill-parteċipant/a imsemmi/ja hawn fuq, in-natura u l-għan, proċeduri, kif ukoll riskji u benefiċċji possibli ta’ din ir- riċerka. Jiena nikkonferma li l-parteċipant/a kien/kienet mogħti/ja l-opportunita` li ssaqsi/jsaqsi mistoqsijiet dwar dan l-istudju, u li l-mistoqsijiet kollha kienu mwieġba sew u kompletament. Jiena niddikjara li l-individwu ma kienx imġiegħel/imġiegħla biex jagħti/tagħti kunsens u l-kunsens kien mogħti liberament u volontarjament. L-informazzjoni kollha miġbura dwar il-parteċipant/a msemmi/ja hawn fuq matul din ir-riċerka ser ikunu wżati biss għall-iskop ta’ din ir-riċerka. L- kopji oriġinali ser ikunu biss aċċessibli għalija u għas-supervisor tiegħi, Ms Carmen Delicata, u ser jiġu mhassrin wara. Kopja tal-karta ta’ Informazzjoni u kopja ffirmata ta’ din il-Formola ta’ Kunsens ser tkun ipprovduta lill-parteċipant/a.

______Helen Attard Micallef – Studenta Ms Carmen Delicata - Supervisor Professional Training in Systemic IFT - Malta Psychotherapy

______Data

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Appendix 3: Interview Guide

Interview Guide

1. Demographic Information

Name ______Role: Husband/dad ☐ Wife/mum

Nationality/Ethnicity/Race ______

Age Age when the child was born No of years Married No of year in the relationship Total Arrival time of the child: Years in relationship/marriage

2. Child Related Information

Child Planned Unplanned Level of How much was this child yearned for? Desired-ness 1______5______10

Age Gender Male Female Gender Matched Not Matched No difference Expectations

Other Child related expectations

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Child specific 1. Sleeping Habits Characteristics 2. Child temperament

3. Level of Alertness/ Responsiveness

4. Feeding Habits

5. Allergies

6. Conditions

7. Similar to/looks like: Dad Mum

8. Attachment: Dad Mum Both

9. Birth Weight 10.

3. Preparation Information

• How would you describe your level of preparation, were you supported by any courses and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

4. Socio-Economic Status/Employment

Tax Rates for Basis Year 2014

Parent Rates Classification 0 9,800 0% 0 Minimum wages (low socio-economic status 9,801 15,800 15% 1,470 Standard Living socio-economic status 15,801 21,200 25% 3,050 Middle Class socio-economic status 21,201 60,000 29% 3,898 Middle Upper Class socio-economic status 60,001 And over 35% 7,498 Upper Class socio-economic status

• Difference in effects of work on the relationship pre-birth and post-birth? (Employment pressures/financial stress/management of monthly bills)

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5. Education

• Primary, Secondary, Tertiary, post and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

6. Health

• Any Health conditions pre/post birth; fertility history/miscarriages/deaths and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

7. Birth Type/Characteristics of Birth

• Natural/C-section; Planned way of giving birth/unplanned and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

8. Feeding

• Breastfeeding, yes/no – initiation; duration; Breast feeding clinic support and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

9. Sources of Support

• Did you experience any sources of support and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

10. Parental Relationship

• How do you experience your parental relationship and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

11. Parental Quality/type/characteristics

• How can you describe your parental involvement with the child and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

12. Safety

• How do you describe your level of trust and how you respectively handle the child and provide for his/her safety and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

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13. Relationship Functioning

• How would you describe your interactional style: strengths, resources, vulnerabilities and adaptive processes and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship? • How would you describe your sexual relationship after the birth of your child?

14. Relationship Maintenance

• How do you sustain your relationship and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

15. Religious Beliefs/practices/values/principles

• How would you consider yourselves in terms of Religious beliefs and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

16. Family of Origin

• How would you describe if any Trans-generational issues which you might have brought with you to this relationship and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

17. Future dreams for the child

• How would you describe your dreams for this child and how does it contribute to the story of your relationship?

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Appendix 3: Gwida għall-Intervista

Gwida għall-Intervista

Dettalji Personali

Isem ______

Rwol: Raġel/missier Mara/omm

Nazzjonalita / etniċita/ razza ______

Eta Eta meta twieldet it-tarbija Numru ta’ snien miżżewġien Numru ta’ snien fir-relazzjoni Total Żmien meta waslet it-tarbija: Numru ta’ snien fir-relazzjoni

2. Inforrmazjoni fuq it-tifel/tifla

Tifel/tifla Pjanat Mhux pjanat Livell ta’ Kemm xtaqtu li jkollkom tarbija? kemm kien mixtieq/a 1______5______10

Eta Ġeneru Maskil Femminil Xewqat għal Jaqblu Ma jaqblux Mhux importanti ġeneru speċifiku Xewqat oħra fuq it- tifel/tifla

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Karatteristiċi 1. Stil ta’ rqad tat-tifel/tifla 2. Burdata

3. Kemm t/jirrispondi malajr

4. Ikel

5. Allerġiji

6. Kondizzjoniet

7. Jixbah lil Missier Omm

8. Ġibda lejn Missier Omm Tnejn

9. Piz ta’ tarbija 10. Ohrajn

3. Informazzjoni fuq preparazzjoni

• Kif tiddeskrivi l-mod ta’ kemm kont preparat? Kellek għajnuna minn xi tagħlim jew kors? Kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

4. Xogħol

Rati tat-taxxi fl-2014

Rati tal-ġenituri Klassifikazzjoni 0 9,800 0% 0 Paga minima 9,801 15,800 15% 1,470 Standard 15,801 21,200 25% 3,050 Klassi medja 21,201 60,000 29% 3,898 Klassi medja superjuri 60,001 And over 35% 7,498 Klassi superjuri

• Differenzi fuq l-impatt tax-xogħol fuq ir-relazzjoni qabel u wara t-twelid. (xogħol, dħul finanzjarju, kontijiet)

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5. Edukazzjoni

• X’hinu l-livell ta’ edukazzjoni u kif jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

6. Saħħa

• Hemm xi kundizzjonijiet ta’ saħħa, qabel u wara twelid, problemi ta’ fertilita, mwiet u kif jikkontribwixxu għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

7. Il-ħlas

• Mod pjanat ta ħlas jew le, ċesarja u kif affetwa l-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

8. Ikel

• Reddajt lit-tarbija jew le – meta bdejt u kemm domt; zortu l-klinika ta’ sapport ta’ treddih? U kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

9. Sorsi ta’ għajnuna

• Kellkom xi tip ta’ ghajnuna u kif dan jikkontribwixxu għal-istorja tar- relazzjoni tagħkom?

10. Relazzjoni tal-ġenituri

• Kif qegħdin t’esperjenzaw ir-relazzjoni tagħkom bħala ġenituri u kif dan jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

11. Stil ta’ ġenituri

• Kif tiddiskrivu l-involviment tagħkom bħala ġenituri u kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

12. Sigurta

• Kif tiddeskrivi l-livell ta’ kemm tafda u kif rispettivatment tmur ma tifel/tifla u tipprovdilu/a sigurta? U kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar- relazzjoni tagħkom?

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13. Kif taħdem ir-relazzjoni

• Kif tiddeskrivi l-mod kif tmorru ma xulxin; abiltajiet, rizorsi, diffikultajit u kif taddattaw ruħkom? U kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom? • Kif tiddeskrivi r-relazzjoni sesswali tagħkom wara twelid ta’ tifel/tifla?

14. Manteniment tar-relazzjoni

• Kif iżżommu r-relazzjoni tagħkom u kif dan jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar- relazzjoni tagħkom?

15. Twemmin reliġjuz, valuri u prinċipji

• Kif tqisu lilkom infuskhom fi rigward ta’ twemmin reliġjuz u kif dan jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

16. Il-familja tagħkom

• Kif tiddiskrivu xi elementi li ġibtu magħkom mil-familja tagħkom f’din ir- relazzjoni u kif dan kollu jikkontribwixxi għal-istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

17. Ħolm fuq uliedkhom

• Għandkom ħolm għat-tifel/tifla tagħkom u kif dawn jikkontribwixxu għal- istorja tar-relazzjoni tagħkom?

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