Gilbert Herdt, PhD

Director & Founder National Sexuality Resource Center Department of Sexuality Studies San Francisco State University 835 Market Street, Suite 506, San Francisco CA 94110 [email protected] 415-817-4501

1 CDC/Fenway Conference

MSM and

Gilbert Herdt, PhD Director National Sexuality Resource Center San Francisco State University

2 Oldest People in Town

Photo Credit: Steve Punter 3 He is Single

Photo Credit: Dominic 4 Is He Better Off?

Photo Credit: ProComKelly 5 MSM & Marriage 2 forms • Gay or Queer men who live with another man or aspire to, either legally married (or more likely) cohabiting or “being together but living apart”

• MSM --bisexual, questioning, or heterosexual men who date, marry or cohabit with women (or transsexuals or transgender women) but who may consider same-sex relationship commitment

6 Some social facts:

• Marriage is later than ever • There is more divorce than ever • Young people are fearful of repeating their parents’ mistakes • Yet 80%+ want to marry for life • Longevity means longer relationships • The majority of LGBT people aspire to marry (Kaiser Foundation)

7 Americans Marrying Later

8 Will Marriage Work?

.

9 Why marriage is meaningful

In American culture:

People see marriage as having deep cultural, spiritual, and psychological meanings and connections to social life (Bellah et al, 1985; Cott, 2002; Quinn, 1986).

For LGBT people as well as heterosexuals, the meaning of marriage translates into an enhanced sense of self- esteem, well being, increased familial and community acceptance, and sense of connection to society (Herdt and Kertzner, 2006)

10 MSM-MARRIAGE

A MINORITY STRESS MODEL HELPS EXPLAIN SOME CURRENT ISSUES AND OFFERS SOME IDEAS FOR FUTURE RESEARCH

11 Minority Stress Model

• Health disparities based on marginalized social statuses – Sexual Orientation [e.g., Mental Health] – Race/Ethnicity [e.g., Cardiovascular Health] • Potential Explanation = Minority Stress – Discrimination – Stigmatization – Concealment – Internalized Stigma

Meyer (2003). Prejudice, social stress and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129, 674 - 697. Additive Burden & Intersectionality

Social Status General Stress Stigma-Related Stress Chronic Stressful Everyday Expect. of Prejudice Strain Life Events Discrim. Rejection Life Events SES + + + Female LGB + + + R/E Minority + + + + + From: Meyer, Schwartz, & Frost (2008). Social Science & Medicine, 67, 368 – 379. WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS?

14 Marriage bestows benefits

1. Marriage is a long-term contract that enables people to trust, plan, sacrifice, and build. 2. Commitment allows people to pool resources against the tough times in life. 3. Commitment allows for specialization, division of labor, and economic scale for the couple. 4. Commitment enables each partner to solidify their support of the value of these other factors in their life (Waite, 1995; West, 2007, p. 72).

15 Marital benefits— Decades of research finds:

Mental Health: greater life satisfaction higher self esteem, less depression, less suicidal ideation

16 Marital benefits:

Physical Wellbeing: lower blood pressure

better cardiovascular function

immune system

17 But there is a catch:

What happens if the individual is in an unsatisfying or unhappy marriage?

18 Marital Distress

19 –WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS NO COMMUNITY RECOGNITION?

20 MSM & Marriage Denial?

Greenan and Tunnell (2003) describe a gay couple together for 25 years in mutual commitment who experienced difficulties in recognizing the legitimacy of their relationship. They had no plans to recognize the 25th anniversary and had not come out to their , employers, or neighbors, either as gay individuals or as a male couple. In their 25 years together, neither partner’s members had referred to them as a “couple.” On the verge of ending their relationship, they sought couples therapy. Their therapists believed their social invisibility as a couple had resulted from lifelong stigmatization, discrimination, and violence in this couple’s distress.

21 MSM Relationship Satisfaction

• Degree of relationship & sexual satisfaction • Degree of psychosocial commitment • Degree of minority stress: as individuals and as a couple • Total SES resources • Living apart or cohabiting together • Degree of social support (including familial and community support) • Community recognition

22 2010

% of US heterosexual and LGBT people who are singles or couples

23 Relationship Status: Single (42% LGBT: 27% General Population) (MMI National Boomer Sample)

24 Relationship Status: Partnered (58% LGBT; 73% General Population) (MMI National Boomer Sample)

25 Persons over 65 Living Alone

(Data: US Census, SF LGBT Sample) 26 Persons Over 65 Without Partners

(Data: US Census, SF LGBT Sample) 27 Persons over 65 Living Alone

(Data: National US Census average, New York, LA Samples) 28 Greatest Concerns about Aging

(MMI National Boomer Sample) 29 Concerns About Aging by State Recognition of Domestic Partners

(MMI National LGBT Boomer Sample, 2006) 30 Within Satisfying Marriage

31 Longevity

Productivity

Higher Life Satisfaction

32 Benefits—Less risk taking

"If it is a good marriage, the benefits are equally as great for women as for men; for men, just being married confers a tremendous amount of benefits. One of the major ways in which marriage confers effects is to reduce risk: Men stop engaging in risky behavior like bungee jumping and driving drunk. ..” --John Gottman, PhD

33 Commitment

Love HIV Risk Taking

Trust

34 MSM who Desire these Benefits

Heterosexual Marriage

35 What Does Marriage Denial Do? • Reinforces stigma • Contributes to lower self esteem • Justifies family rejection • Normalizes violence in schools • Pressures couples to hide commitment • Subtly supports risk taking, including sexual risk behavior

36 Gay Men Cannot Achieve Marital Benefits in most States

37 Same-sex Marriage in USA

38 MSM Grew up with

Stigma

Exclusion

Minority Stress

39 Lack Role Models

Expectation of Commitment

Family Support for Partner

40 MSM Aspire

Marriage

Community Support

Inclusion in Family

Inclusion in Church

41 Marriage Equality

Movement fosters:

Community Formation

Relationship Support

Health Benefits

42 MSM & Same-Sex Marriage

• MSM may feel that they have to sacrifice marriage or children and raising a family for same-sex relationship • LGBT people in schools may experience major social stressors, including homophobia, thwarting expression of same sex desires or relationships • Younger gay men may not see positive role models or modeling effects of healthy relationships • Faith communities may actively oppress same-sex relationship, marriage or family formation

43 48 Year old MSM (1997)

Johnnie, a 48-year-old mixed race man reports that at age 21 the following happened to him “My Daddy said to me, ‘You are going to get married! You are going to have kids! That’s just how it is going to be.’” As a child, the man was quiet, sensitive, mildly gender atypical, which is what may have made his father wonder if his son was gay. Johnnie did get married and have children, and in his life story, he clearly loved his children. He claims to have been happily married for over 20 years until after his children grew up. Then he began to experiment and express his sexual attractions; he came out as a gay man at age 47. Johnnie had waited to express these feelings until after his parents died, after he was more established in the community, and once his children were adults. He aspires to meet a man and settle down for life. -- (Herdt et al., 1997).

44 25 year old MSM (2010)

Juan, a Latino male in Los Angeles, is married but without children. He cruises the internet and has had sex with men since he was 17. He calls himself “straight” and sexually prefers women to men. He only take the penetrative role in male sex. His MSM behavior is opportunistic. He fears that the secret of his same-sex desires may cause him shame and loss of reputation. He grew up surrounded by homophobia and wonders what it would be like to live with a man.

45 NEW FORMS OF RELATIONSHIP & : more research needed

»POLYAMORY

46 3 Controversial ideas

1. Could we stress “” as one component of same-sex relationships? 2. Could we stress LGBT “family planning” in thinking about 21st Century meanings of same-sex marriage? 3. If gay marriage is legalized, would there be less MSM risky behavior?

47 Polyamory—what is it?

Polyamory — having more than one loving, intimate relationships at a time, with the consent and full knowledge of everyone involved. Polyamory differs from having an affair outside of a committed relationship because all the partners give consent to the relationships. Some of these partners may actually live together in bisexual or gay relationships, not necessarily in marriage, and may involve two men and one woman, rather than one man with more than one wife. (Shernoff, 2006)

48 CALCULUS OF MARITAL HAPPINESS

Works against MSM. Why? 1) Fewer SES resources 2) Lack of community recognition 3) Degree of minority stress 4) Destabilized legal status diminishes trust 5) Social support (familial/community)

49 Primary References and Data Sets

• Improving the Lives of LGBT Older Adults (2010). SAGE and Movement Advancement Project: http://www.lgbtmap.org/file/advancing-equality-for-lgbt-elders.pdf • Still out, Still Aging: The MetLife Study of LGBT Baby Boomers (2010). MetLife Mature Market Institute and American Society on Aging: http://www.metlife.com/assets/cao/mmi/publications/studies/2010/mmi-still-out-still- aging.pdf • Out and Aging: The MetLife Study of Lesbian and Gay Baby Boomers (2006). MetLife Mature Market Institute and American Society on Aging: http://www.asaging.org/networks/lgain/outandaging.pdf • Adelman, M., Gurevitch, J., de Vries, B., & Blando, J. (2006). Openhouse: Community building and research in the LGBT aging population. In D. Kimmel, T. Rose & S. David (Eds.) Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender aging: Research and clinical perspectives (pp. 247-264). New York: Columbia University Press. • de Vries, B., Mason, A., Quam, J., & Acquaviva, K. (2009). State recognition of same-sex relationships and preparations for end of life among lesbian and gay boomers. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 6 (1), 90-101. • de Vries, B., & Megathlin, D. (2009). The meaning of friends for gay men and lesbians in the second half of life. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 5, 82-98.

• Courtesy, I. Mushovic, 2010.

50 References

• 1. R. Bellah et al. (1985) Habits of the Heart. Berkeley: University of California Press. • 2. Cott, N. (2002). Public Vows: A History of Marriage and the Nation. • Cambridge: Harvard University Press. • 3. Greenan, D. E., & Tunnell, G. (2003). Couple therapy with gay men. New York: Guildford Press. • 4. Herdt, G., Beeler, J., and Rawls, T. (1997) Life course diversity among older lesbians and gay men: A study in Chicago. Journal of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Identity, 2: 231-247. • 5. Herdt, G. & Kertzner, R. (2006). I Do, But I Can't: The Impact of Marriage Denial on the Mental Health and Sexual Citizenship of Lesbians and Gay Men in the United States. Sexuality Research and Social Policy: Journal of the NSRC. 3(1): 33-49. • 6. Meyer, I., S. Schwartz, & D. Frost (2008) Social patterning of stress and coping: Does disadvantaged social statues confer more stress and fewer coping resources? Social Science and Medicine, 63 (3), -368-379. 7. Waite, L. (1995) Does Marriage Matter? Demography 32: 483-507. • 8.West, R. (2007) Marriage, Sexuality, and Gender. New York: Paradigm. • 51 THANK YOU! Gilbert Herdt, PhD [email protected] 415.817.4501

52 Acknowledgments

•Dr Ineke Mushovic, “Improving the Lives of LGBT Older Adults. Presentation to the American Society on Aging, March 17, 2010.” • Dr Brian deVries, PhD, SFSU •Dr David Frost, PhD, SFSU •Niels Teunis, PhD, Niels Teunis & Asso.

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