Video #5

The question remaining is HOW do we then create Boundaries now that we have done all we have done up to this point?

These are the people you have created and helped mess up! They are mirroring all of this back at us. You are now here with it all in front of you and we see our own , our own lack, our lack of boundaries. We don’t know how to handle our feelings and neither do our kids and it is:

Scary, daunting, intimidating and terrifying

To see ourselves in our children is quite frightening as they mirror it to us. We then see this and know that we sometimes haven’t done enough. We then feel , utter horror and guilt.

It is absolutely terrifying when your 17 year old arrives home and you know that he is high or is smelling of alcohol. It is scary to live in a culture that includes so much drugs, alcohol and high stress surrounding image and identity.

Why is it terrifying?

Because we realize that our time to brain wash and influence them is running out, if it hasn’t already.

Now we are left with the AS IS.

IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THIS SERIES IT SHOULD BE THIS:

Whatever is happening with your child and their behavior is down to 2 things in terms of boundaries:

• Too rigid and controlling with our boundaries • Too wishy washy with our boundaries

Who are you?

Are you the CONTROL FREAK or WISHY WASHY?

WISHY WASHY’S

• Afraid to be seen as the bad parent, strict parent, controlling parent • Wants to be seen as Mrs Chill, seen as being loving and kind and easy going • Afraid of conflict and holding onto a limit for fear of upsetting the child and the child not liking them • Scared to tow the line • On Mondays we are riding the high from the weekend but by Friday we are done and turn into beasts! We are often inconsistent.

• This can come from being raised in a submissive family environment, not used to being the leader, having no stamina. It’s easier to just say it once, twice and then let it go. • Scared of the confrontation • Pleasers, dependent and don’t believe that their voice counts and needs to be heard. Slightly ADD, prone to laziness and getting tired. • It’s exhausting to be the police and watch it all pan out

CONTROL FREAKS

• Have a hard time easing into and surrendering into the mess, the as is, the grey space of the situation. • Panic because it’s not being done right now and a particular way. • Struggle because it’s not perfect and find it hard to tolerate the muck, chaos and messiness of it all • Afraid of letting go

When kids are younger and we are in more control, we push through and in the name of education, leadership and discipline, at the end of the day the kids know that they need us. However, as the kids get older, they don’t actually need us as much and we cannot make them be with us – they can only to want to be with us.

How do we make them WANT to be with us?

How do we maintain some sort of in-chargeness, keep the CONNECTION and COHESION in order to set the BOUNDARY?

1. Who are you?

You have to know who you are so that you can make a change to get you to middle ground: • Are you WISHY WASHY or CONTROL FREAK? • You have to OWN it, deeply own it

2. What is your thesis?

You cannot keep pendulating around all the major things. Need to decide what are the negotiables and what are the non-negotiables?

Everything can’t be a non-negotiable. It will kill you. You can’t keep flipping out at the minor annoyances and irritations that come with teenagers who for the most part are distracted, ADD, overwhelmed, stressed out and tired. These are not violations of some sacred higher purpose. The annoyances are JUST that – annoyances. Irritating? YES, highly. However, they are not life and death situations, they are not things that deeply violate your values and morals. They are irritations.

• The shoes on the floor • The hair in the drain in the shower • The clothes strewn on the stairs • The toothpaste on the bathroom counter • The toilet left un-flushed • The milk on the counter from breakfast

These are NORMAL teenager behaviors.

We have to develop a NEUTRAL muscle that we have to robotically institute for all these minor irritations and annoyances:

“Oh Maya, please pick up your PJ’s” “Oh Maya, please put away your backpack” “Oh Maya, backpack, please put it away”……… “now”

No tone, no sign of irritation or frustration on your part. A neutral reminder to make it happen now. And stay with it in total neutrality until it is done. We need to use this muscle for all these nuisances.

We cannot to let ourselves become wound up and ready to blow by all the minor things as doing so leaves us drained and with no energy to deal with the things that really are important. Being able to deal with it with neutrality really helps with our self-care because when we are triggered all day by the annoyances, it drains us and depletes us of our energy which we need for the dealing with the things that really matter.

We can’t let these things activate us and trigger us because by the 7th thing at 7.30pm in the evening, we are raving lunatics and good for nothing which is exactly when we will need the energy to deal with the big things like homework, bed time, hygiene etc.

3. What really matters to you?

Look at the 4 – 6 hours that you have in the day with them, that they are at home for, and work out what you need and what your child needs so that you can create win wins.

Negotiate something in your mind, then with your child and then create the 4 or 5 pillars of the day that are non-negotiable.

What are your sacred pillars for your home? What are the non-negotiables? What are your pillars that you have to have standing and in place? • These form the cake. Then the icing really doesn’t matter. • These are the parameters. • The rest all gets placed in context of these parameters. • You need to organize it in your mind to titrate and control the anxiety that will rise within you

If you take care of your level of anxiety by doing this and forming your parameters, the kids will be good. This has to come first.

For Dr S, there are 3: Homework, Shower and Bed by 11pm

She chooses these three because if these three are done, then she is okay. The rest she can deal with. And these three are the only three because she doesn’t want to fight!

How do we control our anxiety in order to create the boundaries?

How do we remain firm but not crazy firm?

4. How to hold and execute a limit?

Now that we know what we typically default to, we know our quirks, our laziness or not, it’s more clear for us as to how we will actually hold the limit. We know what NOT to do.

Also having not got wound up by the mundane teenage irritations and annoyances from during the day, we now have more energy in order to hold the limit because we have not let all the little things trigger us all day long and deplete and drain us.

If you are a WISHY WASHY:

• You need to become the strong leader and get into presence, pull your sleeves UP • Become empowered • You are not going to be a pleaser • You are not needy of your child liking you or loving you

If you are a CONTROL FREAK:

• You need to relax a bit, enter patience and grace, pull your sleeves DOWN and be able to see the moment as a teachable one. • You will not freak out • You will not see their behavior as being intentionally against you • You will not see your child as purposely looking for a fight

What happens when your 13 year old is addicted to SnapChat and is on it all the time? What do you do when? • Every 2 minutes they check their phone o Who loves me today o What groups am I still a part of • It’s a sickness • Need rehab centers for SnapChat addicted kids!!

We need to:

• Enter the present moment to truly serve the needs of your child, not: o Our ego that wants perfectionism and control or, o Our ego that wants to be loved and adored and seen as cool (Wishy Washy’s), or o Our ego that’s lazy and add or, o Our ego that can’t ease into the situation (Control Freaks) or, o Our ego that’s scared to ease in and stand up

We need to walk up to our child, look them in the eye, and not speak until they are in a state of receptivity.

Say this:

“It is now 7.30pm, you have not done your homework, you will either have to give me the phone or I will have to physically remove it from you”:

You can go on to say this:

“I’ve waited 13 years for you to develop the skill to be able to resist temptation and I see that it’s not happening yet, so….. I am going to have to help you do it. When I see that you are able to do this for yourself, I won’t have to do it for you and help you. I will gladly fire myself from this when I see that I no longer need to do it for you”

Child fights you on this. What do you do? What does your child need?

Now you have to set a BOUNDARY

• You have to take action. • You have to slice the entire loaf right through, right down the middle o For the wishy washy’s, that’s not ½ way through and, o For the control freaks that doesn’t mean launching into full control • Stay in the middle • Stay there until it’s done until the next momentum has been created. • Keep going, • Keep cutting, • Stay with it, • Hold the limit, hold the limit • Don’t stop – keep going until it is DONE.

Don’t worry:

• For You Wishy Washy’s – the kid will totally forget the fact that they said they hate you and that you are the worst mum and the most controlling, strictest mum in the world. None of this is true! • For You Control Freaks – that you had to say it twice or ten times, the child will not remember this. It doesn’t matter.

How do you do it?

• When you are ready to take action, be ready. You have energy. You are clear in your mind of your plan. • Use your presence and do not leave the scene until the deed is done. • Don’t create the story from ego and lack. Stay present. Don’t let your ego be triggered • Hold the limit • You have to know your typical pattern ie. where in the process does it typically fail for you: o When do you erupt? o What is your breaking point? o When does it come? o When are you in it? Sequence is usually: 1. Nice 2. Firm 3. Get some pushback 4. ERUPTION!

Why does it usually fail?

When your wishy washy or control freak streak kicks in and you get upset, your ego is triggered and you blow your fuse. You get riled up by the kid, the kid meets you right there and is better at this than you…..BOOM….. erupt!

So….. don’t open your mouth until you are ready to see it through.

It is when we vaguely start to set the boundary, we speak a bit, but not enough, we are not really heard, we warn and warn and warn (your kid has heard none of it because they have tuned out) that we then BLOW IT.

Don’t speak until you are ready, in front of them and holding them accountable and don’t leave their side until what you want done is done. If you are not ready to mean it, then don’t say it: • You have to embody it and embody every boundary that you set with every cell of your being. • We learn best through absorption and when we have a purpose in our being. • We have to make sure that we are not hypocritical in our boundary setting especially with screens… do we engage in all the habits we are requesting our children do? • We need our kids to see and understand exactly what the pillars are and what is important to you

We have to ask ourselves these questions? (Pg 321)

• Do we convey the importance of the habits we are asking our children to take up? • How holy is the boundary to you? – Do you show how holy they are by your actions? • Do you radiate it’s purpose because you really have to embody it in order to make it happen and authentic?

You have to show your children and commit to teaching them these habits on a daily basis at all costs.

Our kids will push back, push us and test us. Why? Because they are kids and they are learning, it’s their job:

1. They are not bad kids 2. The are growing up 3. They hate authority 4. They desperately want autonomy.

When they are toddlers, they will not fight our authority as much and are prepared to relinquish their power sooner but a teenager will fight you all the way…

You have to know yourself and what you want:

• Will you capitulate (wishy washy’s) or will you over control (control freaks)? • Have you done steps 1 – 4 and have your plan?

You have to HOLD the LIMIT.

“I understand that you hate me right now and that you don’t want to give me your phone, or you are going to have your shower or it is 11pm and it is bedtime”

They will continue to push you because:

1. They are not used to you holding our limit and they just expect to win again, because we do not hold the limits enough 2. If your kids really push and really WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT A MAJOR FIGHT: If the connection is so broken that there is no respect and the relationship is so broken and the kid is so disenfranchised and disempowered that they have no other tool in their tool kit other than to shame you THEN you might need intervention in the form of counseling, coaching, etc.

These kids are a holy mess, they want their sovereignty yet they want guidance, they want autonomy yet they need direction, What do they need? They need both. They are so confused and caught in this dynamic that it is really hard for them to know what to do. This is the AS IS, it will be like this for 7 years and they will drive you crazy. But, you will have to learn how to hold the limit.

We have to use their triggers to call us to our presence so that we can give them what they NEED. We have to know where we stand. If you are needy, fractured, a perfectionist, anxious because the schedule is off, you will be called by your child to be healed, eased, cleared centered and have compassion to be the bigger person here.

CONSEQUENCES

Consequences inevitably come from our imagination, from our position of authority, from our belief that we have the right to control our children and punish them for things that do not go according to our script/belief. They end up being the means by which we unleash our ego’s and punish and project our kids.

The real crime whenever there are consequences is how the child makes us feel about ourselves in the heat of the moment.

What does my child need right now?

For you to exit your ego in order to serve the need of the child.

Example: Child doesn’t exit the screen on time

What is their need right now?

What is it that they are lacking in order to do this for themselves?

How can I help them?

This is what we have to teach them:

• Self-regulation / self-control • Learning to live within limits • To de-stress • To learn how to disconnect from the screen with more ease • They need us to quieten our ego • They need our presence • They need impulse control skills • They need to learn to live within boundaries • They need to learn a better respect for time

We have to make sure that the consequence therefore matches their need so that they can develop the skills that they are lacking.

We need to help them to develop the skills required in order to be able to switch the screen off so that they don’t need the boundary or you to help them do it.

“When you show me you can do it by yourself, I will gladly fire myself of the task to do it for you but until such time, I will have to help you… Show me that you can manage your time well and you will get freedom beyond your control!”

How to handle consequences:

1. What can I do?

2. Teach them whatever it is they need to learn

3. In the event that they don’t learn whatever 2. is then you need to do something else that will help them learn until they learn to do it for themselves. We need to respond to the need appropriately. You need to work out how long you think is reasonable for you to remind, help and teach and when you feel that you have done all you can, THEN you can leave it up to the natural consequences to kick in ie. they leave the project at home that should have been taken to school, take away the phone, unplug the TV.

They do not need to take on the shame of our bad parenting (wishy washy and/or controlling). There is no room or need for shame or punishment. This comes from our lack, ego and is fake power. It is coming from our inner child who is out of control and helpless. Why should we be able to punish our children for things that we don’t even get right for ourselves? We are all human. They do not need to take on the extra shame from us.

What does the CHILD need?

We have to go beneath the behavior.

They certainly don’t need to be matched by our inner child.

Adding our emotional reactivity and our projections to fix it on to any child’s emotional reactivity will only make it worse.

We have to find compassion and be able to control the raging beast that’s inside all of us. Our teenagers are often confused, they are in a state of flux. We have to stay in and tap in to our deepest with them. Our kids love us when we are CO-CONSPIRATORS and allies with them and have their backs. In this place we can join them and be spontaneous with them. There is no need for high control or wishy washy if we have a good connection with our children.

We need to be robotic for the robotic things they present to us. And we need to save our energy for the things that we need to set limits for, the things that really matter, to protect our sacred pillars.

We need pathways to negotiate before we totally annihilate our kid’s spirits. These ideas are things that we can do to create the pathways.

Whenever it is OUR needs that are being taken care of – the child will win every time. We cannot expect manage our needs in the heat of the moment because we will end up getting angry and the child will win!

We need to own the mistakes that we make when we are not present as this will help us control ourselves in the heat of the moment and not end up yelling!

What if my child lies to me?

Ask yourself the Q: What does my child need? How Can I help my child?

Our children need to feel safe to feel that they can be honest and authentic with me and for me to be non-judgmental in order for them to come clean. I need to ease off on my control freak side in order to do this and give my child what they need.

We need to separate from our BEING that is doing the thinking, in other words separate from our ego.

When we don’t understand our needs, and what boundaries we need, it makes it very hard for us to give our children what they need so we both end up being triggered in the heat of the moment.

We often crowd our children and then we get angry with them when they are rude in telling us to back away from them!

In the heat of the moment when your child is saying mean things, you can simply say:

“I think that you need some space right now, I’ll come back in 5 minutes”

Then come back in 5 minutes and set the limit.

“You need to go and have your shower now…”

“But, Mom, just one more minute…. “ says your child! You can choose to honor that minute or not but whatever you do, do not leave the scene and literally count the minute down and then say:

“You have had your minute, you need to go for a shower. NOW”

Stay there till they leave! Don’t capitulate, don’t freak out.

There is not a child alive who doesn’t think that their parents are mean. We are all told that we are the strictest parents that ever walked the planet. To them we are all controlling even if we know that we are as wishy washy as they come!!