Video #5 The question remaining is HOW do we then create Boundaries now that we have done all we have done up to this point? These are the people you have created and helped mess up! They are mirroring all of this back at us. You are now here with it all in front of you and we see our own idiosyncrasies, our own lack, our lack of boundaries. We don’t know how to handle our feelings and neither do our kids and it is: Scary, daunting, intimidating and terrifying To see ourselves in our children is quite frightening as they mirror it to us. We then see this and know that we sometimes haven’t done enough. We then feel shame, utter horror and guilt. It is absolutely terrifying when your 17 year old arrives home and you know that he is high or is smelling of alcohol. It is scary to live in a culture that includes so much drugs, alcohol and high stress surrounding image and identity. Why is it terrifying? Because we realize that our time to brain wash and influence them is running out, if it hasn’t already. Now we are left with the AS IS. IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THIS SERIES IT SHOULD BE THIS: Whatever is happening with your child and their behavior is down to 2 things in terms of boundaries: • Too rigid and controlling with our boundaries • Too wishy washy with our boundaries Who are you? Are you the CONTROL FREAK or WISHY WASHY? WISHY WASHY’S • Afraid to be seen as the bad parent, strict parent, controlling parent • Wants to be seen as Mrs Chill, seen as being loving and kind and easy going • Afraid of conflict and holding onto a limit for fear of upsetting the child and the child not liking them • Scared to tow the line • On Mondays we are riding the high from the weekend but by Friday we are done and turn into beasts! We are often inconsistent. • This can come from being raised in a submissive family environment, not used to being the leader, having no stamina. It’s easier to just say it once, twice and then let it go. • Scared of the confrontation • Pleasers, dependent and don’t believe that their voice counts and needs to be heard. Slightly ADD, prone to laziness and getting tired. • It’s exhausting to be the police and watch it all pan out CONTROL FREAKS • Have a hard time easing into and surrendering into the mess, the as is, the grey space of the situation. • Panic because it’s not being done right now and a particular way. • Struggle because it’s not perfect and find it hard to tolerate the muck, chaos and messiness of it all • Afraid of letting go When kids are younger and we are in more control, we push through and in the name of education, leadership and discipline, at the end of the day the kids know that they need us. However, as the kids get older, they don’t actually need us as much and we cannot make them be with us – they can only to want to be with us. How do we make them WANT to be with us? How do we maintain some sort of in-chargeness, keep the CONNECTION and COHESION in order to set the BOUNDARY? 1. Who are you? You have to know who you are so that you can make a change to get you to middle ground: • Are you WISHY WASHY or CONTROL FREAK? • You have to OWN it, deeply own it 2. What is your thesis? You cannot keep pendulating around all the major things. Need to decide what are the negotiables and what are the non-negotiables? Everything can’t be a non-negotiable. It will kill you. You can’t keep flipping out at the minor annoyances and irritations that come with teenagers who for the most part are distracted, ADD, overwhelmed, stressed out and tired. These are not violations of some sacred higher purpose. The annoyances are JUST that – annoyances. Irritating? YES, highly. However, they are not life and death situations, they are not things that deeply violate your values and morals. They are irritations. • The shoes on the floor • The hair in the drain in the shower • The clothes strewn on the stairs • The toothpaste on the bathroom counter • The toilet left un-flushed • The milk on the counter from breakfast These are NORMAL teenager behaviors. We have to develop a NEUTRAL muscle that we have to robotically institute for all these minor irritations and annoyances: “Oh Maya, please pick up your PJ’s” “Oh Maya, please put away your backpack” “Oh Maya, backpack, please put it away”……… “now” No tone, no sign of irritation or frustration on your part. A neutral reminder to make it happen now. And stay with it in total neutrality until it is done. We need to use this muscle for all these nuisances. We cannot to let ourselves become wound up and ready to blow by all the minor things as doing so leaves us drained and with no energy to deal with the things that really are important. Being able to deal with it with neutrality really helps with our self-care because when we are triggered all day by the annoyances, it drains us and depletes us of our energy which we need for the dealing with the things that really matter. We can’t let these things activate us and trigger us because by the 7th thing at 7.30pm in the evening, we are raving lunatics and good for nothing which is exactly when we will need the energy to deal with the big things like homework, bed time, hygiene etc. 3. What really matters to you? Look at the 4 – 6 hours that you have in the day with them, that they are at home for, and work out what you need and what your child needs so that you can create win wins. Negotiate something in your mind, then with your child and then create the 4 or 5 pillars of the day that are non-negotiable. What are your sacred pillars for your home? What are the non-negotiables? What are your pillars that you have to have standing and in place? • These form the cake. Then the icing really doesn’t matter. • These are the parameters. • The rest all gets placed in context of these parameters. • You need to organize it in your mind to titrate and control the anxiety that will rise within you If you take care of your level of anxiety by doing this and forming your parameters, the kids will be good. This has to come first. For Dr S, there are 3: Homework, Shower and Bed by 11pm She chooses these three because if these three are done, then she is okay. The rest she can deal with. And these three are the only three because she doesn’t want to fight! How do we control our anxiety in order to create the boundaries? How do we remain firm but not crazy firm? 4. How to hold and execute a limit? Now that we know what we typically default to, we know our quirks, our laziness or not, it’s more clear for us as to how we will actually hold the limit. We know what NOT to do. Also having not got wound up by the mundane teenage irritations and annoyances from during the day, we now have more energy in order to hold the limit because we have not let all the little things trigger us all day long and deplete and drain us. If you are a WISHY WASHY: • You need to become the strong leader and get into presence, pull your sleeves UP • Become empowered • You are not going to be a pleaser • You are not needy of your child liking you or loving you If you are a CONTROL FREAK: • You need to relax a bit, enter patience and grace, pull your sleeves DOWN and be able to see the moment as a teachable one. • You will not freak out • You will not see their behavior as being intentionally against you • You will not see your child as purposely looking for a fight What happens when your 13 year old is addicted to SnapChat and is on it all the time? What do you do when? • Every 2 minutes they check their phone o Who loves me today o What groups am I still a part of • It’s a sickness • Need rehab centers for SnapChat addicted kids!! We need to: • Enter the present moment to truly serve the needs of your child, not: o Our ego that wants perfectionism and control or, o Our ego that wants to be loved and adored and seen as cool (Wishy Washy’s), or o Our ego that’s lazy and add or, o Our ego that can’t ease into the situation (Control Freaks) or, o Our ego that’s scared to ease in and stand up We need to walk up to our child, look them in the eye, and not speak until they are in a state of receptivity. Say this: “It is now 7.30pm, you have not done your homework, you will either have to give me the phone or I will have to physically remove it from you”: You can go on to say this: “I’ve waited 13 years for you to develop the skill to be able to resist temptation and I see that it’s not happening yet, so….