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Table of Contents Our Mass Introduction Partake With My Lips and My Heart Parody Songs have immense power. Pentecost The Purpose of this Lyric Book Preach on the Mass My Story Priest Weird Al Yankovic R.C.I.A. Religious Conversion Repent Writing My Own Parody Songs Rudolph Parody The Breakthrough Salad Bowl The Road To A Time To Laugh Scripture Eternal Life: The Party Album and I The Searching Wanna Be Debated Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel What's Happened Since Then Steuby East Lyrics Suicide Hotline Afflicted With Bugs Teaching Them To Read Call Our Lady Teasin' Careless Blunder That's When He Told Me Confiteor Thérèse Of Lisieux Confession These Beads Don't Believe Lies This Time of Forty Days Don’t Take That Crown Tithe After Tithe Ecumenical Tradition (500 Years) Evangelize Transubstantiation Get Canonized A Saint We Want God (wo) God Knows My Needs We Want To Stand United Holy Thursday Why Can’t I Be I Got Me Kneeling Conclusion I Got You Saved Appendix I Wanna Be Debated How to Do the R.C.I.A. I'm Pro-Life Skits Internet Bloggers Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel IXΘYΣ (say “Ich-thus”) Ichthus Parody Skit Knights of Columbus We Want to Stand United The Leper Song (Explanation) Love That Someone Right Song Indexes Melt Me Parody Order Monastery Trip Artist Order My Heart's At Mass Date Order Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi Theme Order Nicene Creed Nick Alexander Booking Old Time Gregorian Chant 2

Introduction

Parody Songs have immense power. If there's one thing I've learned after nearly two decades in crafting and performing parody songs, it's that parody songs have immense power. If done right, the parody songs can very well be the right ingredient to liven up a talk or speech, can create a greater connection between the speaker and the audience, and can instill lessons deep inside, long after the event has passed. I recall a professional speaker, teaching how to give a quality keynote presentation, talking about the necessity to introduce humor early on, so that you could connect with an audience. However, if the audience was extremely tough, like an assembly of junior high school students, that comedic opening sequence would likely dominate the majority of one's presentation, lest you lose that specific audience. The genius of parody songs is that you get to devour your cotton candy and prime rib at the same time. I don't believe parody songs are acceptable in any forum, mind you. It is obvious that parody songs are useful in very particular environments, like a youth retreat, a teacher's classroom, or even a national conference. When you are in a position to instill a very particular point, and this point is quite foreign to your particular audience, you would want to find all the ways you can to connect that point to them. The benefits of a parody song--it's inherent comic potential, it's relatability to the audience, the tonal contrast to an actual talk, and the pure fun of the exercise--all of these contribute to the effectiveness of the parody. Years after I have given a presentation, people would still be hearing a muzac'd pop hit through the speakers as they walk through a shopping mall or be at a gas station pumping gas. And they would remember the comedy songs that I had introduced to them, based off of that pop melody. And inherent in those songs would be life lessons that they can still carry along with them. There is no reason why anybody--with a sense of daring-do, with minimal musicality, with a drive to bring home a message they are passionate about--cannot use the techniques inherent in this eBook to bring about effective parody songs in your own circles. Furthermore, with the dawn of YouTube and viral videos, you can work with the resources in your community and craft your own comedic/teaching-resource hybrid. 3

The Purpose of this Lyric Book My goal of this lyric book is to lay bare both my published and non-published parody songs over these past fifteen years. I hope it to accomplish several things. Because of the rise of digital media, a number of people have been clamoring for lyrics to my songs. Here it is, all in one place. I hope that these songs will first and foremost, entertain you, and make you laugh out loud. I hope that the byproduct of these aspirations towards comedy greatness would be the memorization of central concepts of our Catholic-Christian faith. Too much of our faith today has ignored apologetics and reason, and I hope that the combination of funny lyrics and a catchy tune would aid in memorization of our central tenets. I hope that lyrics like these--both the good and the bad--may inspire future parody songwriters as to how to strive for that balance between honoring the original song, tackling serious subject matter and discovering your shade of humor. The world is in dire need of your talents. Also, it goes without saying, that these songs can serve as an impetus for youth group projects, like integration into skits, or maybe even a viral video. You have my permission to pursue such.

What This Book Can Do For You. What you hold before you is a book listing most every parody song that I have ever written. Most of these songs were recorded, but a good percentage were not. (Some of the real lousy ones, I have done you a great favor and ignored them entirely). In addition to the lyrics, I have provided an analysis of the song, either from a topical perspective, or that of craft. I wanted to get behind the meaning of every song, so that you could understand what subject matter the songs can accompany when preparing a presentation. I have also provided some analysis of the craft of parody writing; this way you get to see my process at work, so you can apply some of the same principles in your own attempts to parody songs. One caveat; this is not a book disseminating information about the legality of the proper use of parody songs. Legal understandings of parody vary over time, and while I have a strong opinion as to what constitutes parody and what constitutes property theft (as I strive gallantly towards the former), I think it is better to get this information from better sources, like This Business of Music by M. William Krasilovsky, Sidney Shemel, John M Gross and Jonathan Feinstein. Let's begin!

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My Story Years ago, I was a junior high student who was invited to join a youth group in my church, that met every other Sunday night. In this particular youth group, once we had settled down, out came the overhead projector and we all had a time of singing songs. I wouldn't call it praise and worship, not at that time, because the songs chosen were a mix between fun folk songs from a bygone era with that of worship songs. One song in particular was a favorite: "If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mo- orning." To my thirteen-year old mind, all political aspirations were left on the floor; it was simply a fun song advocating peace and harmony. But then… the lead musician started the third verse with a gleam in his eye. This verse wasn't in the overhead projection. It wasn't from the official lyrics. The lead musician went "off-script", and us adolescents were more than happy to take the ride with him. "If I had a cow; I'd milk him in the mo-orning I'd milk him in the evening; all over my ha-and. I'd milk out butter. I'd milk out crea—m cheese I'd milk out cottage cheese, all that I can squeeze [grimace] All… over my ha-and. Woo-oo".

I may have heard parody songs before, but this was the first time I had enjoyed one in the context of a youth group meeting. Little did I know then, a seed had been planted for me.

Weird Al Yankovic Around that same time I would become a fan of "Weird Al" Yankovic. Here was a person whose big break came about when he had sent cassette tapes to the Dr. Demento show through the mail. He had a couple of minor songs, namely "My Bologna" and "Another One Rides the Bus", but I hadn't discovered him until his videos for "Ricky" and "I Love Rocky Road" came to HBO's "Video Jukebox". A short time later, he had spoofed Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, with "Eat It", his hysterical ode to finishing one's plate. This was to be his biggest hit for over two decades. One of my earliest concerts I had attended was to see "Weird Al", who was to play at the legendary Beacon theater in New York City. Posters of the event (where he had mocked Bruce Springsteen's signature pose) were plastered all over scaffolds and buildings near where I had lived (in lower Manhattan, circa mid-80s). I had a chance to meet-and-greet him beforehand (he was hawking a VHS tape of his first collection of videos), and when I shook his hand, I offered one of my parody ideas. He gratefully declined (and good thing too, I look back at what I would've suggested and I cringe today). The concert was a blast. It began with Dr. Demento (whom I had never heard of at this point in time) giving a lecture about his favorite novelty songs, playing some of these songs in their entirety. I was introduced to a whole new world of novelty songs, which was filled with one-hit wonders that managed to tickle your funny bone while also being musically adept. 5

Also around this time I had also undergone a religious conversion experience that was powerful and life-transformative.

Religious Conversion I didn't have too many friends. I had lacked those social graces that would prevent me from being a target from bullies. And I couldn't fight. Therefore, I often found myself alone, often in the solace of watching tons of television and movies. One week at a Christian summer camp had changed all that. My youth group had sponsored a number of retreats and camps for youth and young adults to take part in. When I went to my first retreat, I had undergone a spiritual transformation that had affected my life since. During the week-long retreat, I had studied several passages from Scripture that I had never thought long and hard on beforehand. This prompted me to go to an empty room and pray to God in a manner I had never done before; I simply wanted to go to Him and share with Him my honest feelings about the state of life I had been in, and not be afraid to share that there were some things I had undergone that were unfortunate in my life. And after I prayed, I simply waited. In the waiting, I sensed that God was responding to my deep wounds, by allowing me the graces of knowing that He really existed, and that He loved me in ways beyond my knowing. Shortly afterward, I had come to understand the meaning of Jesus' dying on the cross and resurrection, and what our responses would be--total commitment to Him, following Him, accepting His gift of the cross into my life. It was a scary commitment, but I had nothing to lose, and I embraced this new walk fully. In the next fifteen years, that adventure led me down from an immature adolescent to becoming a leader in various Christian activities, to embrace of the charismatic renewal, to conversion to Catholicism, to growing in guitar playing for use in parish and small group settings.

Writing My Own Parody Songs I had taken guitar lessons as a child, but had dropped the practice after I had gotten frustrated with the instrument. Once I began attending college I became involved with a dynamic Christian group where most everybody knew how to play guitar. I had begun to learn the instrument again. After graduation, I found myself moving to Connecticut for a job. Outside of my day job, I wanted to grow as a songwriter for Christian songs. However, I was still lacking much of the skills required to write songs at all. So I decided to practice in a matter that I knew best, by writing parody songs. I didn't intend for the parody songs to take a life of their own, but that is exactly what happened. My instinct told me that these songs had to not only work as real songs, but they also had to have enough comedy in the lyrics to warrant a positive response from the listener. It was not enough for the songs to be a word-for-word replacement of a secular song to a religious one--that would institute plagiarism, which would be theft (an ironic counterpoint to one's actual religious statement). The song would have to be funny by default, or at least try for the funny bone. 6

I had lent my musical services to a number of groups, including a few Christian young adult groups in my area. They would also offer periodic retreats, and they had asked me to come up with a fun way to invite people to come. One of my earliest parodies was to take the song "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" from the Righteous Brothers, (made famous by TOP GUN), and sing You're not going to the re-treat Wo-oo that Christian re-treat. You've got to go and re-treat To find God, God, God Wo-o-o-o-oh. This wasn't my best parody, but it worked. After the positive response to that, I began my hand at writing other parody songs. The earliest songs included my gut feeling that intermingling Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" with Gregorian Chant would be hilarious. Aretha Franklin's "Respect" turned into "Repent" quite easily, with the tone of that song matching the strident tone of the parody. And Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe" doppelganger "I Got You Saved" changed into a humorous ode to the intermingling of religious conversion and romantic love. Each of these songs took a life of their own.

The Breakthrough All this time I had also been writing worship songs. In fact, I had took a major gamble and decided to invest into my own EP, recording four of my own worship songs with the hope that I could have entry into the music scene. There was a Catholic musicians group called "Catholic Association of Musicians" that was started by John Michael Talbot, a worship artist and Catholic convert that I had already admired. I had applied for entry into this elite group, and only got accepted after I interviewed with one of its chief officers. I immediately set aside plans to attend a national retreat at John Michael Talbot's estate. The retreat experience was quite good, but intimidating. I was meeting the top musicians and movers-and-shakers of the fledgling Catholic music industry, and they were all immensely talented. I was wondering if they had made a mistake in accepting my application, because I felt I was not up to their level. Every night there was an opportunity to perform one's songs at a local church. That meant a lot of us had to wait for a proper sound check, which could take hours. Upon the down time, I picked up a guitar, and, in goofing off, played one of my parody songs to those who would listen: "Old Time Gregorian Chant." The response was immediate and overwhelming. Those who heard immediately wanted me to replace my own worship song set with these songs instead. (I didn't. My set was okay, but uninspired). After the concert, the musicians all blew off some steam by going to the local Pizza Hut and hanging out. A guitar was passed around. It came to me, and the few who heard my parodies insisted I play some right then and there. Out came "Old Time Gregorian Chant", "I Got You Saved" and "Repent". The applause was much stronger than I had anticipated, by artists I had greatly looked up to. There were still a few days left during the retreat, and during that course two things happened. First, individual artists kept coming up to me on their own, telling me that I ought to consider shifting gears and playing parody songs instead. That so many people 7

came to me to tell me this was overwhelming, to say the least. I had high hopes that I would be the next musical worship songwriter, and instead I was asked to be the court jester. I didn't even know I could be funny. Further, I had heard a talk from Tom Booth (a Dove-award songwriter and leader for youth ministries) that talked about songwriting. As an aside (it wasn't part of his talk), he shared how cool it would be if a songwriter would write a song called "Transubstantiation." Immediately the gears in my head turned and I had made the connection between this song title and the Beatles' "Revolution." I could sense that the song tones could fit, and I could see how there could be a workable parody. On off-hours between the talks, I would feverishly write in my notebook what would be a first draft for the "Transubstantiation" parody. That I got that parody completed during the course of the retreat was a minor miracle in itself. There was another night of music, and another night to lounge about at the Pizza Hut afterwards. This time the pressure to deliver was even stronger, and I didn't expect that my parody songs would have much life after the joke was gotten. I was wrong. People responded as strongly as before. Anticipation was high. And it was in the context of that evening that I had introduced "Transubstantiation". I remember I completely went into that song without even knowing the chords to the song. But no matter. The response was heartening and hilarious. If I needed a direction as to how to take my music to the next level, here was the next step; to create my own parody album within one year's time. The Road To A Time To Laugh The next year was fraught with this challenge before me. Was I seriously insane? How was I going to tell the contemporary choir I had led that I was going to shift gears and start writing Catholic novelty songs? How was I going to put out an album in one year? In short order, I began to write and write. I had to come up with a system that would enable me to craft the very best parody songs I was able to. Even trickier was to be funny but without offending sensibilities. One of the hardest songs I had to write was "Should I Stand or Should I Kneel." I recalled hearing that on a radio that year, and I was attracted to the fact that the song, while quite rocky, had easily discernable lyrics. Further, it would work great as a sing- along with the audience. I decided to use that song as a basis of a person's own experience upon entering a Catholic liturgy for the first time, and the ensuing confusion as to know when to stand, when to sit, when to kneel, etc. This was still fresh to me, as I had converted to Catholicism just a few years prior. The song went through many drafts, as my earlier drafts, I now believe, had crossed the line in terms of finding comedy in the details of the Mass itself. I am grateful to some of the guinea pigs who had heard earlier drafts and showed their disgust as some of my jokes fell flat--not only flat, but offensively so. I understood that I had to find my comedic voice in a manner that did not offend sensibilities. Other songs were easier to write. "R.C.I.A.", one of my most popular songs, was written in ten minutes. It was as simple as my thinking there should be a parody song that would be participatory for the audience, and the hand-motions for "YMCA" came to mind. And I asked myself, if I were to come up with a parody for "YMCA", what would 8

it be? There was really only one solution; and as a graduate of the "RCIA" process myself, I understood that the elation one feels upon entrance to the Catholic Church matches the joy inherent in that goofy song. Within six months I had come up with ten full songs, and within short order a friend put me in contact with a generous producer, Ron Zabrocki, who was local and who was in love with the idea of doing a parody album he was able to do it on the cheap. We had three sessions, and one of his friends was able to fill in and perform the Cher role in "I Got You Saved." I rushed the project to completion, and had completed my first full album in time for the next CAM retreat, exactly one year later. I still remember the night where I introduced my songs for the first time. I knew it was a risk, because this was a religiously conservative crowd. Right before there were at least a dozen or so songs that had been performed with varying levels of effectiveness, all of which were honest, and/or musically superior to me. I was going to be the court jester of the evening, and nobody knew it but a few of us. The first song I did, "Should I Stand or Should I Kneel," was birthed out of my own experiences as to how a newcomer was to react by witnessing the genuflecting, standing, sitting, standing, sitting, kneeling, and receiving tropes that one goes through by attending a liturgical (and specifically Catholic) service for the first time. What if this person was a complete outsider? What if he was a punk rocker, like members of The Clash? Forget about how he would be received in such an environment, rather, how would this person act in a completely opposite environment? I performed the song with a makeshift prop, a "missallette" book that opens up, accordion style, into what appears to be a hundred pages. Those books are confusing to the first-timer! The response was tremendous, but paled in comparison to what happened next. I had convinced four others to join me on stage to perform the "RCIA." And yes, I had to come up with four hand motions to mimic the letters, and "R", by far, was the hardest. I soon figured it out, (and the directions will be in this book). When all four jumped out and began their synchronized dance moves, I wish I can tell you the electricity in the place. It was off the charts. John Michael Talbot would come up to me a day later and sing "RCIA" to me, giddy as a little kid. It was one of the most successfully staged spectacles I had arranged in my life.

Eternal Life: The Party Album and I Wanna Be Debated A year after that, I crafted my second album, Eternal Life: The Party Album. This album's goal was to delve a little bit deeper into theology and to encourage us to learn more about our faith. There are so many positive songs that came from that album, but one of my proudest achievements was my tackling of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," an extremely lyrically complicated song tackling the pop culture moments from the 50s to the then- present 90s, and use that format to tackle the fullness of Church history, namely, the moments when the Church began fracturing into multiple denominations, first a little, and now at an unprecedented rate. One of my favorite performances is to do this live, acoustically, memorized. This book will not only provide the lyrics to this song, but it will also unearth the significances of each and every lyric, so it can not only be used as a 9

legitimate parody by itself, but also as a tool to understand the fullness of how we got here, and what we should aim for. A few years later, I had aimed to craft one more album, this time touching upon some of the current events that was upon us. "I Wanna Be Debated" is my favorite of the parody albums, because I feel that some of my greatest songs have come forth through that project. My second song, "IXΘΥΣ" (pronounced "ichthus") is explaining the history of that fish symbol that's found in many a church-parking-lot vehicle. The Nicene Creed gets a history lesson by way of 70s pop icons ABBA. Serious issues of the day were tackled by "Suicide Hotline" and "Priest." And lastly, "This Time of Forty Days" (a riff off of The Police's "King of Pain") became my gateway into the world of viral videos.

What's Happened Since Then After 2007, I became a proud father of twins, a boy and a girl, and had to take some time to get used to this new state of my life. They are my pride and joy, and I love to do what I can to be with them and to share what I know. Also since then, the music industry has changed to a degree that I, for the time being, don't feel so inclined to record a new album. I will never say never, but it's just not where I am at right now. My focus right now is more on keynoting, on comedy, on apologetics, on podcasting, and on crafting worship song sets and songbooks. I have become far more comfortable with writing parody songs for hire, and to perform newly-crafted parody songs at live keynotes that I am invited to. Just this past year, I got into a rush of new parody songs, based off of the very latest popular songs playing on the radio, including Miley Cyrus' "We Can't Stop" and Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines." (These parody songs are included in this book as well.) 10

Lyrics

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Afflicted With Bugs Parody of "Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer (1985)

Some time ago, in Egypt land A Pharaoh with a heavy hand Put Israelites, to slavery Now it was time to set them free.

It won’t take. (No…) he don’t break That Pharaoh. A mistake So "I AM" spoke, said He would send A lotta plagues, til Pharaoh bends.

Pharaoh you, you’ve got to think before your time gets used up. Oh yeah! Locusts, gnats and flies have come Orkin is overbooked You’re gonna hafta face it you’re afflicted with bugs.

You see the signs, but you can’t read Your river’s like, a Blood Red Sea Your cattle’s struck, with leprosy And it won’t stop, till they are free,

God’s people freed, no longer slaves. Your firstborn son, is now at stake For there’s a curse, upon this land But you can change, and start again.

Might as well face it you’re afflicted with bugs. Might as well face it you’re afflicted with bugs. Might as well face it you’re afflicted with bugs. Might as well face it you’re afflicted with bugs.

Somehow this parody song fell through the cracks. It may be that I felt that the Moses/Pharaoh conflict had already produced a well-known Christian novelty tune, and I didn't want to interfere with that song's success. Or, it could be that I'm not a fan of repetition. Needless to say, I was happy to rediscover this in my notes. 12

Call Our Lady (Parody of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Mae Jepson)

I'm stuck against the big wall I've gone to arenas I fear that I'm gonna fall Filled with Ave Marias I've heard no answers at all Gonna start 12 new novenas Then found a brand new way. Chant Salve Regina, ready!

My problems--there's one big list Hey, I just met her, My struggles overwhelm this and this seems crazy. I think you all get the gist But she's God's Mother, Yet (I) found a brand new way. called Our Lady.

Look, I'm beholding It's how God made her, Pray'r beads, not yet turned golden How so amazing, Hands clasped with faith unfoldin' And it's no bother, 53 deep moments, Daily so call Our Lady.

Hey, I just met her, Hey, don't be deterred, and this seems crazy. Don't be lazy. But she's God's Mother, It's now October, called Our Lady. Just call Our Lady.

It's how God made her, And all the other Saints, How so amazing, it's Christ they're praising And it's no bother, It's no bother, so call Our Lady. So call our Lady.

Seems I've known her for so long Before I came to this insight Statues and churches and song I had it so bad I've had avoided that throng I was so mad It's now a brand new Day. I was a sad, bad, lad.

Before her image I kneel Before I came to this insight I'm laying down my ordeals I had it so bad And she will make an appeal I'm beyond that Before her Son, the Way. I'm now a glad trad Dad

In 2012 there was no song bigger, and it had produced many parody approaches. I knew I had to get a version out there, and this was a natural fit. Blessed Mary is a gift to us, and we all benefit by growing in devotion to her. This was something I, as a convert, had struggled with; do Catholics go too far? Some invariably do; but the central point in Marian devotion always, always leads us to Christ.

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Careless Blunder Parody of “Careless Whisper” by George Michael/Wham!

I feel such remorse Some folks don’t like a guilty cloud It is Sunday Mass and I walk thru those Some folks don’t like my wailing sounds church doors Maybe it’s better this way As the music dies, start to realize If we could get incentive we could learn to I still have some unresolved sin, that I must change have excised I want the joy of true repentance I want to hear that joy in heaven I want to get to Mass again But how can Jesus still save me? But first I’ve gotta get confession "JESUS CAN!" It’s not that easy to fit it in Right now my schedule’s full How I want to get to Mass again I should’ve known better than to yield to sin But first I’ve gotta get confession To taste those acts that bring dissension It’s not that easy to fit it in Oh I wanna get to mass again Right now my schedule’s full And be reconciled with You… I think I’ll just call my priest who is a friend And we can make a private session I fell into sin Then I’ll fin’lly get to mass again A careless blunder towards transgression And be reconciled with You No I wasn’t blind, I knew it all that time There’s no hiding from the truth, Now that you’ve gone… The truth that is all divine. Now, now I’ve just gone. How the mercy flowed Now that you’ve gone… Oh it feels so good to be atoned Like I’m finally home Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah…

Christianity is not a faith for people who always have it together. No. We constantly fall and trip and stumble and hurt and hurt others. We can rely on the fact that God is a merciful God, and reaches to the worst of sinners.

My only caveat to this song are the "Hallelujah"s at the end. Sure, it fits, and is funny, but it closes this song off from being used on Lenten retreats. Nonetheless, forgiveness and repentance is a year-round affair. 14

Confiteor Parody of Conquistador by Procol Harum

Confiteor, the start of mass: exactly what I need Before encountering my King, I'll need some purity

And so I beat upon my breast And then I bow in shame. Do others feel disgraced Because they know my name?

And yet I pray, Lord, if Thou be inclined To be my Saviour, woe, I am so blind...

Confiteor's my chance to rid, of my apostasy Wonder if my neighbor's kids, are half as bad as me

I've yet to make the grade And I know this sounds so shrill But my goal's to see His face And have my dreams fulfilled

And so I pray, Lord, if Thou be inclined To be my Saviour, woe, I am so blind. Again I pray, Lord, if Thou be so kind To grant me mercy, and Thou peace divine...

Confiteor rejuvenates me -- not just a routine. It's as if my soul gets doused, by sacred Mr. Clean.

And my sins begin to fall The big ones and the small. For a moment I know why A Perfect Lamb was sent to die...

And so I pray, Lord, if Thou be inclined To be my Saviour, woe, I am so blind. These "mea culpa"s, when they are combined They make me holy, my will gets resigned. And so I pray, Lord, if Thou be inclined To be my Saviour, woe, I am so blind. Again I pray, Lord, if Thou be so kind To grant me mercy, and Thou peace divine...

The Confiteor is the prayer of repentance that's near the beginning of the Catholic liturgy. Dawn Eden, a popular blogger, writer, and public speaker in her own right, thought this one up. She had been a rock journalist who converted to Christianity and now pursues speaking engagements about living a chaste life. She can be contacted at www.dawneden.com . 15

Confession Parody of "Pressure" Written and Performed by Billy Joel

You have to learn to cross yourself. Confession! You can't like anybody else. Confession! You think the life you've run so far, is okay But you will come to a place Where your thoughts will be revealed You'd want to run to the grace That comes when you yield to confession!

One look at me, now you're annoyed. Confession! But even you cannot avoid. Confession! You've not learned anything since Second Grade Now here you are, with your faith Yet you won't take my advice You won't get far in the race 'Cause you can't handle confession!

All grown up, but faith has plateu'd C.C.D. notes, where did they go? Read John Twenty, verse twenty-three After Jesus breathes, What does He mean? (I'll tell you what He means... Confession!)

Don't ask yourself how you've postponed... Confession! Not a question to ask before the Throne. Confession! I'm sure you'd have some "perfect" rationale How from your mouth, late one night Called it old superstition There's no way out, but through Christ Who first gave to us Confession! Con-Fession! 1, 2, 3, Con-Fession!

"[Jesus] breathed on them, and he said to them: Receive ye the Holy Ghost. Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them: and whose sins you shall retain, they are retained." John 20:22b-23. 16

Don't Believe Lies Parody of "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

Everybody wake up... [x3] [RAP]: Hey Hey Hey / Hey Hey Hey / Hey Hey Hey One thing I will try to do Is attempt for me to rap this song right through If you don't fear, how you could stray It's what I do, so don't you feel blue Then one day you're seen / On the world's stage Cause I know that every single thing I speak of is true. You could be going deaf You could be going blind So don't give up when you don't make crew You could be seen as left behind.... I've got a parting message with the Gospel text too It's been passed down some millennium Your friends don't go to church, And you don't need to drink it up with Xanthan gum. So they intimidate/indoctrinate you. You should resume your search, Two thousand years not dare, would I Encounter your Creator. Put a lampshade on such so it would block the light He is your Liberator (hey hey hey) Shining of the Christ Child, He's there for you (He) don't want no lives in danger (hey hey hey) And this world won't compare w what He'll share w you. T'ain't up for debatin' (hey hey hey) So no watchin' nor waitin' It's time that we forsake this CRUEL WORLD Just choose to give up and fully give in Have we forgot it? Not too many Christians can refuse this vision (Not that we've bought it) He's alive! Why, He wants to use you this mission! We've never thought it Shake the church! It's time to wake up as a FOOLED WORLD Now it's time to work. Get to work! Know it's emblematic/axiomatic Just don't twerk! NO!!!... How it acts erratic/ Always ends up tragic One day we're gonna see, the God Who is our Maker DON'T BELIEVE LIES His blood was shed for thee. Go Alpha! Go Omega! Not hyperbolic: To sin erotic uh huh That kind is toxic Souls be ascending Hey hey hey Our hearts be mending Hey hey hey Await that NEW WORLD! Such joy unending Hey hey hey Don't make it end badly No sin offending from this CRUEL WORLD.... God loves you madly He wants you happy. Hey.... Everybody wake up... [x2]

You say you're hurting no one Hey Hey Hey / Hey Hey Hey / Hey Hey Hey You say you want to have fun But your life's coming undone YOU HAVE GOT TO STICK TO HIS GRACE! State of soul's not funny It's in a fight like rugby. (and THIS rhymes with "hug me!") Hey....

The premise: what if the notorious song "Blurred Lines" (the song that Miley Cyrus infamously 'twerked' on the MTV video awards), what if that were to act as some sort of intervention device to help bring Miley Cyrus back to sanity? With this approach, I took this idea and ran with it. 17

Don’t Take That Crown Parody of "Don’t Bring Me Down” Written by Jeff Lynne Performed by Electric Light Orchestra

Sometime last weekend, had the strangest dream A dozen angels throwing crowns to the King Don't take that crown... No no no no no! Oo-ee-oo I tell you once more, just lay it down for our Lord Don't take that crown.

This must be heaven, from those books that I read A fleeting moment, try that garb on my head Don't take that crown... No no no no no! Oo-ee-oo I tell you once more, just lay it down for our Lord Don't take that crown.

Don't take that crown, Luce! Don't take that crown, Luce! Don't take that crown, Luce! Don't take that crown...

There was an angel, dressed as light + well known Wanted to take himself a crown for his own Don't take that crown... No no no no no! Oo-ee-oo I tell you once more, just lay it down for our Lord Don't take that crown.

A third of angels traveled down that same path They think they're smart but they can’t do the math Don't take that crown... No no no no no! Oo-ee-oo I tell you once more, just lay it down for our Lord Don't take that crown.

From this came tendencies within us, ingrained It's by redemption that our lives are re-made Don't take that crown... No no no no no! Oo-ee-oo I tell you once more, just lay it down for our Lord Don't take that crown, now, now, bow down, down

"And when those living creatures gave glory and honour and benediction to him that sitteth on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever: The four and twenty ancients fell down before him that sitteth on the throne and adored him that liveth for ever and ever and cast their crowns before the throne, saying: Thou art worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honour and power. Because thou hast created all things: and for thy will they were and have been created." Revelation 4:9-11 18

Ecumenical Parody of "Unforgettable” Performed by Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole.

Ecumenical... that's what we are. Ecumenical... Redeeming scars. Don't take doctrine as parenthetical We may differ, but, at least we're ethical Help me love you with ecumenical truth.

No we're not non-denominational It's a family that's, interracianal Help me love you with ecumenical truth.

There are three approaches to interacting with those of other Christian denominations. Exclusionary (Catholic-only), Mere Christianity (Non-Denominational), and Ecumenism.

The Catholic-only approach means that you would look upon those of other denominations as totally lost, and deserving of continual evangelistic efforts. This was how Catholics viewed other denominations before Vatican II opened the door for dialogue. I believe Vatican II was most wise in recognizing that there is a difference between the act of rejecting Catholicism, and being raised in a Christian worldview (with its own history) outside of Catholicism, and that we are still family, by virtue of Christ.

The Mere Christianity approach (popularized by the C.S. Lewis book of the same name) is about ignoring the differences between the Catholics and other denominations, and just focusing on the essentials (Who Jesus is, His atonement on the cross, Resurrection, etc.). Many megachurches have adopted this model, chiseling away some great many artifacts of Christian faith, for fear that it might turn some people off.

Ecumenism is a middle way. It respects the differences between denominations. It dialogues. It gives freedom to disagree, so long as it is done charitably and with empathy. It forces both sides of the great divide to look at faith from the other perspective, even to honor that person's dedication to Christ (faulty as it may be).

I had hoped to convey such in this tiny song, which is truncated, but is as long as it needs to be. What was interesting about the song is that it became a pop-radio staple in the early 90s, a complete departure of the pop scene at that time. In short, the song itself is a perfect example of ecumenism; a forcing of one set of standards to reckon with a complete different standard as to what defines a popular song.

Plus, "ecumenical" sounds quite funny as you pronounce it out loud.

19

Evangelize Parody of "I Will Survive” Written by Dino Fekaris and Freddie Perren Performed by Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified And they see me, as born anew Too scared to share the love of God I had inside All those dirty jokes, Lost count of all those times, they stop when I walk in the room I had kept the message in And though it's hard sometimes, My lamp had dimmed, unless I change I cannot win for I risk losing friends I get sustained by God’s own love, And so I read, up on the saints and that will never end You know they've had far more adversity, some had their heads upon a plate It's time I go, knock on some doors I should just change my stupid walk, I'm in a world, oblivious of its longing for our Lord I should make them intercede Can’t waste my precious talents on my stupid pride If God could come to them in strength I must get humble, it was for this Jesus died perhaps He'd come to me It's time that I, evangelize It's time I go, on out the door Oh, as long as I trust in His Holy Spirit He will guide I'm in a world, that is longing for our Lord I don't have much to give, but where I lack, He lives Can’t waste my precious talents on my stupid pride Run for the prize, Evangelize, ... oh I must get humble, it was for this Jesus died Come on let’s go, knock on some doors It's time that I, evangelize We’re in a world oblivious of its longing for our Lord Oh, as long as I trust in His Holy Spirit He will guide Can’t waste our precious talents on our stupid pride I don't have much to give, but where I lack, He lives We must get humble, it was for this Jesus died Run for the prize, Evangelize, and pray... Time you and I, evangelize It took all the strength I had just to merely start Oh, as long as we trust in His Holy Spirit I bought a Christian bumper sticker for my car. He will guide I memorized some verses, in case one would We don't have much to give, but where we lack, confide He lives I used to hide, now my reach is far and wide Run for the prize, Evangelize, and pray!!

It was a terrifying time in my life when I decided to become more outspoken for my faith in high school. I knew it had to be done. I knew I had been commanded to shine the light, and not to hide it under a table. But I was risking the friendships I had attained at that point. Ultimately, I took the plunge, and while I was shunned by some, there were others--even those who did not share my faith--who respected my outspokenness. It was a risk well worth taking. 20

Get Canonized A Saint Parody of "Fly Away" Written and Performed by Lenny Kravitz

I hope that when I die I'll be alive in paradise Redeemed and sanctified Forget those newspapers I want a blurb within Butler's and on the Calendar

I want to get a day / Get canonized a Saint Yeah, yeah, yeah The "S" is uppercase when canonized a Saint Yeah, yeah, yeah

You know I once believed They came only from nuns and priests But had no room for me. Since then I've changed my mind Our God's inclined to save mankind I only want what's mine

I want to get a day / Get canonized a Saint Yeah, yeah, yeah He’ll give me what it takes to get canonized a Saint Yeah, yeah, yeah (I want to get a day) (I've got to want to pray)

When I get judgment grades I want to get all "A"s And when I end this race I want to get first place. Yeah! He will give me what it takes to get canonized a Saint Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

I want to see His face, I want amazin' grace Then I will sing His praise without an end of days, Yeah! I won’t live this life in waste... get canonized a Saint Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

It is a fallacy to believe that the great Saints throughout history that are touted about in statues in churches are unattainable. It is God's desire for us all to become Saints; in fact, it is a tragedy when a person does not attain sainthood. It is what we are all called to be. 21

God Knows My Needs Parody of “C’mon Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners

What a crummy day! Well, I walk outside and I start to cry For you see, it’s pouring rain. I’m cold… (no sweatah) And soaked… (no umbrella) I raise my fist, high up to heaven (but then…) Do I lose my cool? Why? I should pray! And I do so and discover…

God knows my needs I declare and believe. I have only, faith of a mustard seed. God knows what’s best As I trust, I get blessed. I’m not worthy, of His knowin’ my needs.

God knows all my fears And regardin’ my trials, he carries the vials Containing all my tears Angels (surround me) They know (all about me) I guess there must be some computah (in heaven!) With a million zillion gigabytes! But how does this stuff get entered?

And once I confess, Know that God does the rest I come to Him now, Because God knows my needs…

Oh Lord, how do you know my needs? (repeat)

When I’m in Sheol, lost and alone, Lord! There you’d be! Oh! Lord! In my heart it feels like heaven… True, Ye knew me fully all these days! And you’ll think of me forevah!

Here's a song that contains incredible joy, and I thought it would be appropriate to marry this joy with a personal experience I had had when I first came to discover that God is real, alive, and cares for me. I didn't feel this had enough comic juice to sustain its entry into parody, but I leave it here for people to enjoy the attempt. 22

Holy Thursday Parody of “Monday Monday” Written by John Phillips Performed by The Mamas and the Papas

Ba da ba da da Holy Thursday, so good to me On Thursday evening, it’s all I’ve ever hoped it would be, On Thursday evening, we’d be convening for some washing of feet Commemorating when the Lord gave His Bread to eat.

Holy Thursday, a special day. Start the procession, the Blessed Sacrament’s on display. On Thursday evenin’, you’ve got to be kneelin’ and you’ve got to pray. And in some churches you will find, Tennebrae

What is Tennebrae? What is Tennebrae? Well, with Tennebrae there’s candlelight, yeah! You blow out candles, one by one, Blow out candles, one by one As if He’s dyin’ for all mankind…

Holy Thursday, then Good Friday Saturday evenin’, thru all them readin’s, the Gospel’s proclaimed. On Sunday mornin’, the Lord is in Glory after dyin’ for me. I’m lookin’ forw’d, to Easter mornin’ in eternity.

Ev’ry time we pray Ev’ry time we pray Ev’ry time we pray Ev’ry time we pray we recognize, yeah, We come to the Father thru the Son, to the Father thru the Son Because of His dyin’, for all of mankind…

Holy Thursday, a special day Holy Thursday, it helps me pray Holy Thursday, and I’ve gotta say With Holy Thursday, the Gospel’s proclaimed

A word about Tenebrae: The year I converted to Catholicism, that very week before was Holy Week, and I had been invited to partake in as many festivities as I could. One of these events was a Tenebrae service. Tenebrae is a prayerful evening with songs, Scripture readings, and some powerful imagery. Basically they go through the entire history of salvation, and as they read these Scriptures, a candle is extinguished. When there is one candle remaining, it is carried outside the room, to represent Christ's death. You hear a loud clang to represent the closing of the tomb. That candle is not extinguished to represent the hope of Easter Sunday. I've been to many Christian festivals and conferences, but nothing so moved me as this simple ceremony. 23

I Got Me Kneeling Parody of “I Got A Feeling” Written and Performed by The Black-Eyed Peas

I Got Me Kneeling… For the night needs the beam of the Good Light And the fight’s gotta be of the Good Fight Know His Might is one thing I so do delight

Now I’ve got time, to start it up The world is tempting, the world’s messed up. Confess our failings. Give them to God. Then plan our feet firm, on Solid, Rock.

I know I don’t know it all So I pick up my big book of devotionals I find me a good pray’r, to make it my own It helps me live righteous, gives joy to my soul! [Ch-ch-ch]

Who is this Saint? Stanislaus! I pray he help me, do what I, ought! It get profound, then I slow down When I get silent, I await the Spirit’s descent.

The Spirit, the Spirit, the Spirit, Holy Spirit, The Spirit, the Spirit, the Holy Ghost! Come Spirit, come Spirit, come Spirit-Spirit-Spirit Come Spirit, come Spirit, come Spirit,

….[repeat from top]

Read a verse, pray that verse, Lect Divina na-na-na-na Spirit guide, Exercise, St Loyola la-la-la-la Get ecstatic, charismatic, glossolia ya-ya-ya-ya Memorize, ancient rites, chanting the psalms psalms-psalms-psalms-psalms

The rosary, its mysteries, the Litany of-our La-dy Memorare, Divine Mercy, and the Regina Caeli Get get get get get with this, to know how to pray pray Gotta ask in faith, g-g-g-gotta ask in faith

(And I’m kneeling…)

I came to this parody song rather late. After the kids were born, there were a number of years I was in a cocoon, barely aware of the pop songs infecting the culture around me. I guess you can say that when this song started filtering down to children's culture (i.e. some children's TV characters did a video) I perked up. I grew to appreciate the song, and found that it could tackle a subject I was passionate about: the myriad personal devotions out there. I am very proud of this one. 24

I Got You Saved Parody of "I Got You Babe" Written by Sonny Bono Performed by Sonny & Cher

I gave you the book that turned you around You picked it up and you could not put it down Well I took you to church for that very first time By the confessional I saw you stand in line

Saved I got you saved I got you saved

I gave you this booklet forgot what it was called Somethin' about them four spiritual laws Yeah I remember that tract, read it that night in bed Then I came back and I told you what it said

Don't you remember, our honeymoon? When we went down to that Christian commune? Yes that's when God came, His love pouring down Once we was lost, now we are found...

Well, let me tell you somethin' it's crazy but true The more I love Jesus the more that I love you Well what are we doing this bickering for? We both couldn't sing if it were not for the Lord

This was one of my earliest achievements. I wanted to poke light at the sixties/seventies Jesus movement and touch upon the nature of divine love (in contrast to human love). I also wanted to demonstrate how pride can mess things up.

The person who played Cher was a professional vocalist who had the gift of impersonation. When we first recorded it, it was too low a range. We discovered that when one impersonates Cher a few pitches below normal, you don't get Cher; you get Elvis.

You're welcome. 25

I Wanna Be Debated Parody of “I Wanna Be Sedated” Written by Joey Ramone Performed by The Ramones

Standing Standing Standing on a corner in town - I wanna be debated I take out my tracts and I put on a frown - I wanna be debated I get up on a soapbox, I pull out a bullhorn With fury fury fury, no fury that hath scorned I can’t control your thinking, unless you are reborn. Oh no no no oh NO!

Many many many more hours to go - I wanna be debated So much to prove of what you don’t know - I wanna be debated I just keep on talking, and nothing is taboo Politics, religion, what’s taught in public school I cannot be indifferent to that which is Good News Oh no no no; oh NO!

Hundred Million Thousand reached, that is my goal - I wanna be debated It takes so much work to bring to the fold - I wanna be debated For much too much too often, I hear “No absolutes!” They say it with conviction, as absolutely true. But you cannot grow a conscience by playing duck-duck goose Oh no no no; oh NO!

Ba ba baba, ba-Ba ba baba, I wanna be debated Ba ba baba, ba-Ba ba baba, I wanna be debated Ba ba baba, ba-Ba ba baba, I wanna be debated Ba ba baba, ba-Ba ba baba, I wanna be debated

I have had vivid memories of growing up in New York City, and occasionally seeing a number of different street preachers. I had been happy to lend support, and say an encouraging comment, but these individuals seemed to look on me with suspicion as to whether the encouragement was authentic. Somehow I was as guilty as the sinners-passerby.

I still support street preaching. When done right, it can be useful for disseminating powerful points; the central one being, there is such a thing as absolute truth. And it is our responsibility to continue to seek it out, even amongst ourselves. We worship God with our minds if we pursue such.

This was my third attempt at a Ramones' parody. The other two were lesser songs "Beat on the Brat" and "Do You Remember Rock 'n Roll Radio". I grew to love The Ramones' music as a result, and have come to appreciate the great music they've passed down through the years. 26

I'm Pro-Life Parody of "I'm All Right" (Theme from Caddyshack) by Kenny Loggins

I’m pro-life Nobody worry ‘bout me 2. It’s not about the Moms, (oo-ooh) Only exercisin’ my right Those within a pregnancy (oo-ooh) Of speaking out, how it should be. Not about the elderly, (oo-ooh) The handicapped or blind I’m pro-life It’s not about the pris’ners (oo-ooh) Don’t want no fury ‘round me. Those who don’t expect to leave (oo-ooh) Just gotta tell of our plight It’s all about everybody (oo-ooh) I thought we’re all supposed to be free. All who have their

1. You think what you want (ooo-ooh) Own heart beatin’ Without thinkin’ thoroughly (ooo-ooh) Own heart beatin’ Coz it’s so easy (ooo-ooh) Own heart beatin’ Followin’ the mainstream Own heart beatin; But it’s a life (ooo-ooh) And yet it’s such a mystery (ooo-ooh) I’ve gotta write a letter Definin’ the instant (ooo-ooh) Don’t you know, comin’ soon’s Election day Whence everybody came to be. Some Senator is Gonna find he’s out of a job I’ve gotta write a letter (dip dip dip dip dip dip) Don’t you know, comin’ soon’s Election day Some Senator is I’m (boom boom boom) Gonna find he’s out of a job (dip dip dip dip dip dip)

This was a toughie. It's one thing to do a parody song that makes light of nuances of one's faith. It's another thing entirely to have it be advocacy towards a side on a hot-button issue. Further, I shutter to think that abortion is something that could be made "light of."

Ultimately, I shelved this, with the hope that I could do better for Kenny Loggins. And I did (see "Ichthus"). 27

Internet Bloggers Parody of “Radio Ga-Ga” Written by Roger Taylor Performed by Queen

There was a time, not long ago, We watched the news, on TV shows, The Internet has opened doors We had no fear, we gave no thought, For points of view of every sort About the mainstream media... And if I think, their stuff is crock I share that in their comments' box. As time passed on, we watched and read Then bias reared its ugly head But we need these shows, to correspond Those stories they did choose to break They give us news to comment on Were more than I can ever take. So stick around, and don't feel bristled. We read these thoughts with Paul's And now I'm tired of TV drones Epistles. They speak of cons, ignore the pros If e'er a time, that time is now They just don't know, or just don't care It’s not the time, to have a cow, Media. It's their opinions, they choose to air. Behold the dawn of the weblog: All I read are: Internet bloggers The autobahn of dialogue; media. Internet gurus, in flannel pajamas. All I read are: Internet bloggers All I read are Internet bloggers You find them with Google, the moment you Internet gurus, in flannel pajamas. logon. All I read are Internet bloggers All I read are: Internet bloggers Media watchdogs. Media watchdogs. The media's confused. The media's confused. Media! Someone longs for truth! Someone longs for truth

Of all the songs to parody from rock titans Queen, I would suspect that this minor hit from 1985 would linger somewhat down the bottom of the list. I didn't care. I loved this song, and had a sense that more people knew this song than suspected. When I was writing "Debated", it was around the time of the 20th anniversary of Live-Aid, and the event was captured on video. Queen pretty much stole the show, and this was the signature song from their set.

Blogs were still catching on back in 2006. The notion that an alternate news-source would arise and eclipse the commentary that the mainstream media was pushing was still a ways off. Nowadays, it is inevitable. Blogs, Podcasts, YouTube videos, subscription-based services that provide ample output and commentary, all of which is fascinating. There are many reasons to hold the so-called "professional journalists" under suspicion, and to have an outlet for differing views is most welcome today. Just make sure to discover voices to trust, and have them fully researched and footnoted. 28

IXΘYΣ (say “Ich-thus”) Parody of “Footloose” Written by Kenny Loggins and Dean Pitchford Performed by Kenny Loggins

Been preaching; it’s not hard. From the back of my car So I try to be explainin’ our roots: The rear-bumper “IXΘYΣ” A silver sticker’s what I’ve got. Preaching eternal truths. And this here sticker, well, it looks like a Read the Creed fish, yeah Summed up in a word that’s in Greek Inside are letters, from the Greek alphabet. For my Lord He calls us to share and adore Gets me back to my roots: Iχθυσ Dude, it’s truth Preaching eternal truths. I’m a shoutin’ from my roof: IXΘYΣ!! Read the Creed Summed up in a word that’s in Greek What’s Iχθυσ?!? Jack, this tract What’s Iχθυσ?!? It shows that He died then came back. What’s Iχθυσ?!? Dude, it’s true What’s Iχθυσ?!? I’m a shoutin’ from my roof: IXΘYΣ Iota (I) to Upsilon (Y), You’re driving to school Means Jesus Christ is God’s Son Pretending ev’rything’s cool The Sigma means Savior But a traffic jam hits hard (Al-le-lu-ia). You’ll be late, and irate on the boulevard That’s what I call Good News! Look out your window, and you see this sign IXΘYΣ, yeah! Shout it from your roof! “IXΘYΣ” Roll down the window, and yell “Hey Buddy, what’s with the sign”

The fish symbol on the back of vehicles is almost ubiquitous in religious circles today, but most people are quite unaware as to what the word "Ichthus" means, both as a word and as an acronym. It gives me great joy to use a song like this to use comedy to bring about a memorable understanding of the word.

This was my second attempt at a Kenny Loggins song. The first one was "I'm Pro-Life", but I knew I could go one better. Footloose is as seminal as the they come, and when I recorded it, the remake was still a few years off. When the bridge came together as it did, I knew I had a winner on my hands. 29

Knights of Columbus Parody of "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

Who raises funds that go to save lives Using carnival fairs and tootsie roll drives And who pays the bills, when we're watching mass That's from the Vatican, via live telecast

The Knights of Columbus, don't you think.

In para-ee-ades, like St Patrick's Day They march in line, with their bushy heads Take my good advice: won't you sign up today It's where you can make a diff'rence.

Now don't you retreat, with any fear They've been keeping their promises for a hundred years And they have cool bars, and banquet halls With signs that say "Pray" all over their walls.

Now they're always looking for some new blood You can be a nerd techie, or you can be a stud. And if you're a girl, you can still say yes There's a place for you at the Columbiettes.

As of this writing, I am a third-degree member of the Knights of Columbus. I was divided as to how to approach this as a song. On the one hand, I think that this is a fine group worthy of membership. On the other hand, I think that it is not immune from humorous needling.

The only thing that has prevented me from putting this on a recording is not knowing if the Knights would be personally affronted by this parody. But since then I have been interviewed for their on-line magazine and given a glowing profile on their blog. 30

The Leper Song Parody of “The Zephyr Song” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers Based on the Life of St. Francis of Assisi

Go way back in the twelth century Gave away everything I own I was born in a rich family Even took off all my clothes In a town that’s called Assisi But I never could foreknow Which is in Middle Italy The blessing God had in store. And you’d think my life was made, don’t you? And there’s so much He would grace, when Do you think my debts were paid… you Go and give your stuff away I had learned to play the guitar All my friends called me “Troubadour” That’s why I hugged that leper, Then I went off to afar And then became a beggar To fight in Crusade wars… Had my fam’ly ties severed When I came back I was changed, mind Started a new endeavor you… When people saw that I had started some Leading me up to that day… devotion, Some would laugh or pass me by. That’s when I hugged that leper, Yet when I hugged that leper And then became a beggar My life would change forever. Had my fam’ly ties severed Started a new endeavor Wo wo wo wo wo wo… when you, Christ is my King… Gi-gi-gi-gi-give away… The Lo-Lo-Lo-Lord…bless you Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

St. Francis has captured the imagination of the world, and I wanted to do right by a proper parody of him. This, I feel, is a good draft, but not quite a home run. The biggest reason for this is that "The Zephyr Song" was a minor hit for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, not a seminal song. It's not played on radio. Only RHCP fans know the song.

Since then others have given me hints as to what to do for St. Francis, the latest being Psy's "Gangham Style" with "Franciscan Style." Stay tuned. 31

Love That Someone Right Parody of “Summer Nights” Written by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey Performed by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John From the motion-picture “Grease.”

Save your lovin’ so lovin’ can last This decision, means no S.T.Ds, Save your lovin’; don’t hurry so fast No distractions from teen pregnancies Ev’ry night, just offer it up You’ll be free to learn of yourselves ‘Til the day, when you tie the knot Learn the facts, what sex really sells To be chaste, it’s a wonderful way To be free, of this we agree Helping us love that someone right. It helps us, love that someone right.

Wella-Wella-Wella-Hmmph… Wo,wo,wo.. Tell us more – tell us more – Tell us more – tell us more – who is there to take out? Must we pay for her food? Tell us more – tell us more – Tell us more – tell us more – Give us men with some clout! We just love to be woo’d Uh-huh; Doo-doo; Uh-huh; Doo-doo; Shoo-bop bop, shoo bop bop, Shoo-bop bop, Uh-huh; Doo-doo-doo… shoo bop bop, Shoo-bop bop, shoo bop bop, Yeah!... World’s against this, no, we’re not naïve, Music, movies, against these beliefs There is pleasure, in holding his hand, Just be prepared to turn T.V. off Get to know her, is to be a man Don’t waste time; don’t face impure Then one day, when she gets that ring thoughts It will be good… you know what I mean! To be pure, of this we’re assured Once complete, in matrimony It helps us, love that someone right. Newfound love, leads to newborn life… Wo,wo,wo.. Wella-Wella-Wella-Hmmph… Tell us more – Tell us more - Tell us more – tell us more – Joys we can't comprehend sounds so full of romance. Tell us more – tell us more - Tell us more – tell us more – Can the joys ever end? must we take her to dance? Down-dooby-doo Dooby-doo Down-dooby- But the future is not play pretend dooby-dooby-… And soon enough, those heights you'll ascend. ‘Till that time, till we make our vows... Wonder what, will keep us devout? To abstain’s against the grain… But I want... to love someone right! (Tell us more – tell us more – much more!)

Grease was re-released into theaters in celebration of its 20th anniversary, and when I attended I was surprised to see as many tweens there as I did (and I had seen it that young when I was their age). But the film has many adult themes, some of it subversive. I wondered aloud what would happen if the film backed the (now) counter-culture towards chastity until marriage. This was the result. 32

Melt Me Parody of "Pinch Me” Written by Steven Page and Ed Robertson Performed by Barenaked Ladies

It's Graduation Day, The ceremony's underway I'm in my cap and gown My parents watch me walking down And at our podium stands our valedictorian Says "The future is at hand. "And I don't know just where I stand"

I like my dreams and I really think they're God-given + while it seems I pray his will for me on earth and heaven These are times that He just can’t ignore My anxieties get bigger like a yeast that’s leavened Gotta counter it with words He spoke to the eleven "Come thru Me for I am the Door"

In the middle of that speech I daydreamed that I was on the beach Where falling from the sky Dropped a script. It’s title: "I" Discovered all I'd do It chose for me what I should choose With this, I'm set for life I'd only have to know my lines

Melt Me / Mold Me / Fill Me / Control Me Please God / Show Me / All you have for me

Since when I've first believed I've wondered what God planned for me My future job or wife, or would I join religious life But a screenplay just won’t do I'd spend my days locked in a room Instead, I’ve got to learn to trust in Him at ev’ry turn.

"Come thru Me for I am the Door" "Come thru Me for I am the Door" "Come thru Me for I am the Lord"

The fear of the future plagues every graduation ceremony. Here is a song which encourages us to align ourselves fully with the One who knows the future. 33

Monastery Trip Parody of "White Room” Written by Jack Bruce & Pete Brown Performed by Cream

In my bedroom, I tried praying, was distracted. Made decision: must get pray'r life retroactive Talked to priest-friend; thought solution elementary "Pack your suitcase; make vacation - monastery"

I drive up at noon, where the monk showed me in. Once there, learned the rules, foremost, Silence speaks over self...

There's no talking at my time with the Cistercians Time for praying and for reading Thomas Merton Went to vigil tried some chanting very early But to join them had to sleep at seven-thirty.

I'd wake up at two, and I'd chant every Psalm... I need caffeine soon, for with Silence, sleep overwhelms...

When it’s quiet, find out how much God is sovereign Thought I knew this; should pursue this much more often Prayed the office, read the readings, Daily Missal Made all vigils (had some help from Foldgers Crystals)

The week ended soon and I felt so renewed I learned something new, that is, Silence has much to tell...

This story is true. Twice in my early twenties, once before I converted to Catholicism, I had retreated at a monastery.

The biggest surprise for me was getting used to their routine, which entails them sleeping at 7:30 and arising just before 3AM, allowing considerable time for communal prayer and private devotions. They join together so often that they complete chanting all 150 psalms within the course of a single week.

It was in the context of worship in this environment that I had grown to appreciate traditional prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, along with the rhythms of monastic life. Much of this is demonstrated in the documentary "Into Great Silence," which I encourage all Christians to check out, Catholic and non. This is radical, counter-modern-culture Christianity. 34

My Heart's At Mass Parody of "Heart of Glass" by Blondie

I have to go to work, then I'm off to class Have a full day planned, but my heart's at mass. How I wish I can go there, but I cannot go... My schedule's packed, and it will grow.

I'd sit up front, by the tabernacle Where the Host resides. Next to that's a statue Of our Lady, then / my chains become unshackled And it's there - I know - I'll never be the same.

Ho come I'm like this? Well I'm glad you asked? You can see new things, with your heart at mass. I can sense there are angels, gath'ring round, Awaiting the Savior, as He is crowned.

Right now it's hard, but this will pass When Sunday comes, I do my part at mass.

This is one of my unpublished parodies, which I had completely forgotten about until I began compiling this. I think the juxtaposition between the early 80s dancing subculture and timeless liturgical worship can be funny, but I didn't think I had enough comic juice in this one song. Nonetheless, it expresses my thoughts of wanting to go to daily mass, but being unable to do so because my schedule doesn't allow it. I'm lucky to have more than a dozen Catholic parishes near my commute to my day job, but when none of them allow a mass that fits my weekday schedule, it is heartbreaking. 35

Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi Parody of "Jenny (867-5309)” Written by A. Call and J. Keller Performed by Tommy Tutone

I've read the gospels, now where should I turn to Tried some dozen books before Matthew / I didn’t have much time but I found out that I was in luck I found that I could read the entirity of Habbakuk

Jonah just got four chapters Amos goes up to nine I'm gonna read the others

Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi (Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi) Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi (Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi)

Micah Five prophecies of Bethlehem And Joel Two has the Pentecost mayhem… And there’s so much I had learned from Hosea + his wife Gomer If I had the One Year Bible I'd hafta wait 'til December

They're prophets, prophets They got a message from our Lord They're prophets, prophets From the Good Book, with the Great Reward...

Jonah just got four chapters Amos goes up to nine Would you believe there’s others?

Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah (Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah) Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah (Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah) Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi (Nahum, Zephaniah, Malachi) Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah (Haggai, Zechariah, Obadiah)

I vividly remember reading one of those dastardly "Chick publication" comic books when it high school, and it told me the funniest thing: that I need to read the Bible, because what's going to happen when I'm in heaven and meet up with one of these minor prophets, and they ask me how I liked their writing? Would I hang my head in shame for not having an answer?

This was in my head as I was crafting this parody, pointing out some of the treasures to be found in these books. 36

Nicene Creed Parody of “Dancing Queen” Written by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus Performed by ABBA

You must stand, and recite The creed is o’er and things move on Make sure you say those words right Some think it’s slight but I say they’re wrong Oo-ooh, feel confirmed, Although it’s not the music and it’s not the Watch that priest, homily He’s diggin’ the Nicene Creed It’s where we join our beliefs With all of history… It’s Sunday mornin’ and it’s time to go… Don’t wanna be marked as a no-show… There, at the Nicene Creed So you walk in durin’ the music We agree in all that we believe And things go on as planned Nicene Creed And you sit and you stand. Feed on meat from all the centuries, oh, yeah! The Gospel’s read and if it’s done right You must stand, and recite The Father makes the text apply Make sure you say those words right, And before you hear the next music Oo-ooh, feel confirmed Before the offering Watch that priest You have to stand but not sing. He’s diggin’ the Nicene Creed And it’s these words we bring… He’s diggin’ the Nicene Creed He’s diggin’ the Nicene Creed You’re at the Nicene Creed We agree in all that we believe Nicene Creed Feed on meat from all the centuries, oh, yeah! You must stand, and recite Make sure you say those words right, Oo-ooh, feel confirmed Watch that priest He’s diggin’ the Nicene Creed

If there is one thing that most denominations would occasionally return to, it is the recitation of the Nicene Creed. Every now and then a song would be written on this ancient treatise of faith, meant for recitation during liturgies. Christian pop songs have been based on this.

We forget that this was written at a very pivotal time in Church history, when the fourth century Christian church was striving to unite, once Christianity became the religion of the former Roman empire. All these disparate groups were forced to make corrections in their beliefs, so that the banner of Christendom can be united under then-new circumstances.

This creed is a treasure in our lives. May it never be forgotten as to how it came to be.

37

Old Time Gregorian Chant Parody of "Old Time Rock & Roll" Written by George Jackson and Thomas Earl Jones Performed by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band

Just Take those old records off the shelf Just dig that old time Gregorian chant You know I'm listenin' to somethin' else That kind of music really soothes my plants Today's music ain't got the same slant I don't wanna hear that new Amy Grant I dig that old time Gregorian chant Just dig that old time Gregorian chant

Don't want to hear about the new craze I know you like that Rock 'n Roll That stuff just turns me off in so many ways Don't fool yourself that stuff's not old Don't want hip-hop or a country-line dance Five decades just don't make a dent Just give me that Old Time Gregorian Chant On the age of Gregorian chant

Just like that old time Gregorian chant Just like that old time Gregorian chant That kind of music really soothes my plants That kind of music really soothes my plants I don't wanna hear that old Robert Plant I got my tickets to the south of France Just like that old time Gregorian chant For that old time Gregorian chant

Don't try to take me to a mosh pit Just like that old time Gregorian chant Five minutes and I'm lickety-split That kind of music really soothes my plants Today's kids may like to rave and rant I've tried to change but you know I can't I dig that old time Gregorian chant I love that old time Gregorian chant

This was the parody that started it all.

This was the very first parody that I had written that I quite enjoyed, and occasionally sprung at different times, in the midst of my own worship sets. I didn't think anything else of it, except that I was proud that I had finally crafted a good joke, worthy of repetition.

When I was waiting for a sound check at a Catholic musicians' conference, I played this to help stave off the boredom; the response was positive to the point that people almost persuaded me to play this song that night, instead of my intended set. I chickened out, but played this later that night at a Pizza Hut where we were all gathered after the performance. The rest, as you can say, is history.

I need to be clear: I really DO like Gregorian Chant. I revere it. This song is not meant to be a mockery of this worship form. I just don't like it to the point of disliking other worship forms either.

What makes Gregorian Chant work for me is that it is the only musical form in which the text informs the melody, without regard for modern songwriting structure. Each word comes to life. Each phrase explores hidden depths due to its melodic emphases. We all would benefit from rediscovering this awesome, timeless resource. 38

Our Mass Parody of "Our House" Written by Carl Smyth and Christopher Foreman Performed by Madness

Father Giles at Sunday Mass His homilies are eloquent Our Mass, in the middle of the week Inspiring and relevant Our Mass, in the middle of the Midweek comes, he's much more brief, Well, he just reads the gospel, Sometimes it's a paradox And then he sits down. Go to church where no one talks No Sunday school, no coffee hour's Our Mass, in the middle of the week Inspiring, inviting. Our Mass, in the middle of the Nothing I don't disapprove of Deep inside I feel a love Sunday mass the music's great That's firm and kind, in quiet time Freddie Dartmouth leads three choirs Oh so divine, in the daily grind. Heavn'ly music takes us higher. Monday comes with silent strength Father Giles at Sunday Mass We could surely use his help He's a hero for a day But Fred's not around. Teaching sinners how to pray It's good to see his midweek faith Our Mass, in the middle of the week He would still be pressing on Our Mass, in the middle of the With no one around... (I think you think there must be more to it...) Our Mass, in the middle of the week Our Mass, in the middle of the week Sometimes mass feels like a race Our Mass, this is where we hear God When Father Giles gets into it speak He gets us out in ten minutes Our Mass, in the middle of the week Afterwords I stick around Our Mass, it's in Latin and in Greek I'll pray the Liturgy of Hours Our Mass, in the middle of the week A few minutes more

This song is a playful needling of the differences between an ornate Sunday liturgy and oftentimes a quiet weekday liturgy. It is not meant to say which one is superior to another. There are (overwhelmingly positive) positives and (slight) negatives in both.

From a person coming from a background that had become accustomed to interdenominational worship, going to liturgy is much akin to going to a foreign country. Further, the idea that a liturgy can be quiet and yet meaningful can be a different world. But this is the grace of God working through daily liturgy; the focus is on the Sacrament, whereas our typical skill sets regarding worship (singing, preaching) are minimized. 39

Partake With My Lips and My Heart (Parody of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler)

"Go to mass", Every weekend in I get a little bit harried as my life, it keeps on sinking down "Go to mass", Every weekend in I get a little bit tired from the nightlife that is from downtown "Go to mass", Every weekend in I get a little bit misty-eyed I'm thinking of those years that went by. "Go to mass", Every weekend in I get a little bit terrified; I think of all that sin in my life. "Go to mass, sunrise", every weekend I feel apart "Go to mass, sunrise", I want the Lord to come to my heart.

And I need His love tonight Yes I have learned my lesson. And I must give up the fight. And I must go to, confession. And I'll only be making it right How could I go wrong

Confession takes the sin right out of my life Which has been a burden for me all of this time (all of this time) I now know what to do, it's time for me to start Yes my stubbornness denied all this pain in my heart (pain in my heart)

Lord I give You my life Heaven's filled with joy tonight. In heaven there is joy tonight...

Once I was reminded of the sin in my life There's nothing boastful I could impart. But I begin anew; partake with my lips and my heart. Once I was ashamed of the pride in my life Before the Holy Ghost gave a spark So I begin anew; partake with my lips and my heart.

This unpublished parody brings a smile to my heart, but there was no way I could have pulled this off. First of all, Bonnie Tyler's voice is essential to the joke, and I could only go so far to mimic that distinguished voice. Secondly, the song is long; comedy works in short segments. Third, the song itself is so over the top, that any attempt to needle this for comic effect is lost by the original's campiness. I have some very serious phrases in here, and in no way do I wish to diminish that seriousness by the silly juxtaposition with such an over-the-top 80s classic.

Nonetheless, I leave it here, because if I could've made it work, I would've. 40

Pentecost (parody of Panama by Van Halen)

Was lost, now am found That’s when the Lord, told us to stick around, yeah, The whole troupe, hung out in the upper room For nine whole days we prayed, and then the Spirit came

“And now a fire’s hangin’ over me” “We’re speakin’ in new tongues.” “We’re not drunk!” PENTECOST! PENTECO-OST! PENTECOST! PENTECO-O-O-O-OST!

Ain’t nothin’ like it. There’s nothin’ you’ve seen That compares with the way He overtook Pete! The whole troupe, from waiting in the upper room, We learned to fast and pray, and a novena’s made.

[...]

I’ve got it, don’t knock it. It gives me strength, in ev’ry waking moment now, So don’t you fear it, the Holy Spirit He comes with love and grace and Pow’r!

I so wanted this song to work. The chorus makes me smile. Unfortunately, it had a number of things going against it.

First, it has long stretches of musical solos. This is simply deadly in parody songs. Get straight to the joke, as they say. But I wouldn't know how to remove the solos, which are so integral to the song.

Second, the bridge: David Lee Roth gets intimate (in a carnal way) with that section. It doesn't matter what he says, just how he intones those lyrics. I wasn't able to find a comedic motif to twist that part to fit the theme of the song, without belittling the original conceit. Too dicey.

Third, imitating David Lee Roth's vocals was a stretch, even for me.

Nonetheless, this stands as one of my favorite unpublished parody songs. If I could've made it work, I would've. Sooo close. 41

Preach on the Mass Parody of “Beat on the Brat” Performed by The Ramones

Preach on the Mass Preach on the Mass Preach on the Mass in the Bible class Oh yeah, oh yeah, Wo-o-o.

What can you do? What can you do? When you preach the Mass In the Bible class You cannot lose.

This was my first attempt at parodying a Ramones song. As you can plainly see, it's pretty terrible.

There are a number of problems with this, most of which are foundational: First and foremost, very few people knew this song. If you own a Ramones' greatest hits, you will know it, but it's rarely played anywhere else. That's a stopping block right there.

But it's also quite apparently lazy. The song wrote itself, but the song is way too short to incorporate any hidden jokes, any nuances, any nooks and crannies of tiny asides. It's right here. What you see is what you get.

I do think the contrast to the original is funny. But a parody song must aspire for more. It must be lyrically solid, never wasting a moment for some lyrical counterpoint.

After this, I had crafted another parody song--now lost--based on "Do You Remember Rock 'n Roll Radio" called "I Remember When Jesus Saved My Soul." It, too, was bad (too earnest and not humorous enough), but it was a better lyrically, even though it suffers from much the same problems with "Beat on the Brat"--namely, it is also quite unknown, and for those who understand The Ramones, it is non-representative of what their work is.

Ultimately, this was a stepping stone until I was able to finally craft "I Wanna Be Debated."

Some may wonder why the big deal to profile a less-recognized band like The Ramones. The reason was in my study, I found that I really grew to greatly admire them, and when you parody a song, you want to parody groups that you greatly admire. It is as much an expression of you, as it is an expression of them.

42

Priest Parody of “Superman (It’s Not Easy)” Written by John Ondrasik Performed by Five For Fighting

I’ve just read the Times Often times I pray, There was this angry piece I pray that He make my load light Of scandals and of lies I need strength to keep the fight Amongst our Catholic priests Lord, I’m waiting, for a blessing.

But that’s what I am I’ve just read the Times Been long since ordained And no, I’m not deceived. I give out sacraments I did not choose this life. And I spread the faith But Jesus, He chose me. And it’s not easy, to be a priest. I’m only a man, who shepherds His sheep Some folks think that I Tryin’ to find his place in this hierarchy Should just pack and leave Some folks say this life, Others place me high is just too hard to lead But my face they cannot see But it’s not I who live, but Christ in me.

I work at a church Christ in me… Christ in me… I pastor some sheep Christ in me… Christ in me… I have an organist, who sings off-key And what is most heard, I’m only a man, During my homilies? who’s been chosen to preach Echoes of babies’ cries Chosen to share Christ And cell phone rings with all of my reach And it’s not easy, to be a priest. Some folks say this life, is just too hard to lead, Yeah, it’s not easy, whoo, whoo, whoo It’s not easy to be a priest.

In the wake of the priestly scandals of the 2000's, I thought it ridiculously unfair to the vast majority of priests who were not responsible for such heinous actions. While some pundits were looking at this as a systematic condition of Catholic church doctrine, there was a blind eye turned on both those priests who embraced the call of chastity, and also those of other faiths/professions who, even with no such prohibitions, who still committed these same acts.

I wanted to write a parody song that expressed solidarity with the faithful priests who were now being regarded with suspicion. It's hard enough being a pastor to a largely unresponsive congregation; to add layers of suspicion over their calling is irresponsible. These are the true unheralded heroes of our society. I aimed to bring this message out, while also providing enough comic juice to qualify it as a parody. 43

R.C.I.A. Parody of "Y.M.C.A." Written by Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo and Victor Willis Performed by The Village People

Young man, we've been here all along, I say, young man, this is where you belong, I say, young man, time that you dive headlong Will you join the Catholic Church?

Young man, right now you feel depraved, I say, young man, you were not raised that way, I say, young man, we invite you to stay, Will you join the Catholic Church?

Why don't you sign up with the R.C.I.A. It's fun to join up with the R.C.I.A. You can enter the church on Easter Vigil day And you will get a new name

You gotta sign up with the R.C.I.A. You cannot give up on the R.C.I.A. Young man, young man, know His presence is real As you partake the Eucharist meal

Young man, outside looking in, I say, young man, don't know where to begin, I say, young man, don't travel to the Vatican Just to join the Catholic Church?

Young man, join the R.C.I.A, I say, young man, you can sign up today You can stay there, until Easter Day, Then you'll join the Catholic Church!

R.C.I.A. stands for "Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults." It is what I went through when I converted to Catholicism in 1993..

Some parodies take years to perfect. This song took all of ten minutes, from idea to final product. I began thinking if there were any great audience participatory songs. YMCA came to mind. Then I wondered if there were any variations of those letters that could apply to my faith and comedy. RCIA. Boom. My hand couldn't write these lyrics fast enough.

The hard part was figuring out the hand motions. Be sure to check them out in the appendix.

44

Repent Parody of "Respect" Written by Otis Redding Performed by Aretha Franklin

What you want, you won't get it. What you need, you don't want it All I'm asking, is for a little repentance (just a little bit), baby (just a little bit) give to the Lord (just a little bit) uh-huh (just a little bit)

You say you're doin' nothin' wrong, But your nose is long You say you're doin' nothin' wrong, But your shades are drawn All I'm asking, is for a little repentance (just a little bit), baby (just a little bit) give to the Lord (just a little bit) uh-huh (just a little bit)

Ah, I see you praise Him when it's sunny But you stop when your nose is runny All I want you to do for me Is get on your knees (knees, knees, knees, Knees, knees, knees, re-pent just a little bit, Just a little bit).

R-E-P-E-N-T Tell you what it means to me R-E-P-E-N-T Take out your N.I.V., now! (continue and fade).

This happened to be my second great parody song, right after "Old Time Gregorian Chant." I can't say I'm too pleased with the vocals (who is?) but I appreciated the tone of the song matching that of the lyrics, which I think gives the comedy its power. In an alternate universe, this would have been the universally beloved pop song. 45

Rudolph Parody Parody of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" By Burl Ives

We're apostles, then prophets then teachers then healers. Miracle workers in churches with kneelers. But do you recall... Those words spoken from Paul....

We're called to be one body Together we will have no fear We all don't get a hand out Nor can we all be an ear.

All the denominations Have the gospel to proclaim When we attack each other The body will become maimed.

For on Holy Thursday Eve Jesus went to pray Father as we are one light Let the church in us unite.

The all will see God's glory Destined before creation When we love one another We'll know the greatness of the Son!

What a total goof-fest this is. In no way was I going to record this song, which, while well- intentioned, had no connection whatsoever with the Christmas season. People would either have loved it, or been made irate by it.

For this song to work better, I would have had to somehow link this to Christmas, or to the story of Rudolph, or reindeers in general. The only thing funny about this is how funny it so adamantly is not. The subject matter is so serious, so close to my heart, that the comedy flows from the juxtaposition of a holiday novelty tune and the grandeur of the seemingly impossible task of bringing the Church back to one. It doesn't fit. Not even close. And by it not fitting, it fits. 46

Salad Bowl Parody of “Centerfold” Written by Seth Justman Performed by The J. Geils Band

Can we talk, don’tcha balk, I’m just so aggrieved! We’re livin’ in a nation that can’t handle what to eat. Just take a look around us, we’re all so overweight And we can feed a nation with the crumbs left on my plate. For years I’ve thought the church should oughta step in with a plan But then we’re serving donuts after Mass at ten a.m.!

No self control My belly is a Jello mold I think I’ll have a salad bowl (think I’ll have a salad bowl) My blood turns cold And I can’t abstain from dinner rolls Think I’ll have a salad bowl.

Mainstream books, as you have guessed, Has diet guides which sell the best. Most folks read just anything If it just helps them get by. Each new week there’s brand new rules Taught ev’rywhere, (except the schools) Yet junk food’s sold most ev’rywhere, Supportin’ sugar highs. “My youth group had an overnight from dinner until lunch. I can’t believe those many ways that I’ve had GROWN SO MUCH.”

No self control My belly is a Jello mold I think I’ll have a salad bowl (think I’ll have a salad bowl) My blood turns cold And I can’t believe my cholesterol Think I’ll have a salad bowl.

Na-na-na-na-na-na….

It’s okay, I understand How tasty treats can fit in God’s plan But when I see the fruit we’ve wrought Seems we’ve been tasting treats a lot. So I’ll take that bowl, yes I will, with the dressing on the side. 47

And learn to have my hunger filled, with temperance, applied Each new day, I’ll learn at last A new outlook that helps me fast. For once, you’ve got to try it Just don’t be callin’ it a diet

With self control You start to lose that Jello mold I think I’ll have a salad bowl (think I’ll have a salad bowl) We must be bold Keep our earthly temples good as gold Think I’ll have a salad bowl.

Na-na-na-na-na… All right! All right! 1-2-3-4!! Na-na-na-na-na-na…

One of my earliest memories of embracing pop music as a child was listening to this ubiquitous song in 1982. At the time, I was slightly too young to really capture the song's meaning. The childlike taunt melodic riff was infectious and captured my imagination. Only until years later did I see the song for what it was, and was embarrassed for my earlier approval...

And yet, what a fun taste of ear candy. I could not ignore this. I wanted to transform this, but how? Every single one of my earlier attempts to do so just came out flat and preachy (in a bad way). That would have been the death of the parody. This was a case that I worked on for several years.

It wasn't until I made the connection between the thin supermodels that the song was highlighting (and the preoccupation with body image) with general dietary concerns that I felt like I finally had an angle on the song that worked. I felt that this particular subject matter neutered the original song's intent, while also being an interesting critique in its own right.

Many a day where I see churches feed into the obesity crisis, unknowingly feeding on gluttony, while at the same time being strong on other vices. I remember playing for a church retreat, and afterwards there was a goodie table, littered with junk food of every stripe. Getting the kids to go to church is one thing, but doing it using the seemingly harmless tactic of junk-food is another. No wonder fasting and self- denial is so hard to do!

Interestingly enough, when I first wrote this song, I was many pounds heavier than I am now. When I needed motivation and a plan to make that change, I partially used these lyrics as an inspiration. It worked.

48

Scripture Parody of "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow by Nick Alexander

Sittin' at a church on a Sunday The preacher's a preachin' from the page But his talk is kinda dry so my mind is, just a blur I don't have a Bible in front'f me Think that's why I think church is boring So I stop into a Christian bookstore, next to church.

I bought a Scripture today I need to make a change There's just so much here in this Good Book, I got t'learn

I sold him a Bible second-hand In a translation he could understand And a package of Bible tabs he'd hafta paste In the back of it was a Concordance Little sermonettes within the margins And a plan to read it all in just only, 365 days!

He bought a Scripture today I cannot help but grin I know that the Bi-ble will bring out, th'best in him!

Fast forward to the very next weekend I read a little, my love has deepened And I hope that this Sunday morn won't go to waste And so the preacher He is a preachin' And I'm followin' him in the readin's. He was once bored at church... Now they can't drive me away!

I found out that Jesus, He loves me And that He gave up His life just for me And if I'd accept Him into my heart, my life is changed

I brought my Scripture today And now my life has changed Jesus He loves me, th'Bible, tells me so...

I would've definitely recorded this song, but a competing Christian parody band had recorded a "Scripture" parody before I did. Sigh. I like mine better. 49

The Searching (Parody of One Thing by Finger Eleven).

I want to be liked To be Mister Right For my teeth to shine bright But not so tonight. I want a goldmine I save my nickels and dimes Corporate ladder to climb But will I still be fine?

And I gave it my all And I hit a brick wall Oh, it wasn't working I was searching Oh I could wait it out But there's little doubt That it wasn't working I was searching

I may seem "all right" But that is outside Inside, not fine I am not divine

How I want to grow But I do it so slow Now I'm at a plateau Yet I'm way out of bounds

So I come to the cross Now I know who's the boss And it seems to be working I'll end my searching. I was way out of bounds Now His love it surrounds me; it's working. It was You I'm searching.

I played this only once, at a high school diocesan event. I draft a lot of these one-time parodies for the purpose of crafting those surprise elements that make comedy unpredictable. The tone of the song fits the tone of the lyrics, but my only caveat was that it didn't have a whole lot of humor I could wedge in there. And, had I discovered how to wedge a lot of humor in there, I suspect it would have diluted the message. It wasn't a good integration of the two, even though it was a good mix. 50

Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel Parody of "Should I Stay or Should I Go" Written and performed by The Clash

Never been to liturgy Should I stand or should I kneel now Don't know what's required of me Should I stand or should I kneel now But one day I was invited There's no time for me to grumble Check it out's what I decided Take it in; it makes me humble My friend he had not yet arrived Can someone help hear my appeal Guess I'll look for him inside Should I stand or should I kneel

Mass began at quarter-to (Instrumental) So I find myself a pew Looking awkward I suspect At a time I least expect Don't know how to genuflect My friend came in, he overslept Deep confusion I now feel Rest of mass he walked me thru Should I stand or should I kneel Showed me what to say and do Still wonder why to stand or kneel Should I stand or should I kneel now Must be somethin' 'bout that meal. Should I stand or should I kneel now Every moment is a struggle Should I stand or should I kneel now All these movements that I juggle Should I stand or should I kneel now I need help thru this ordeal... Deep inside I have to chuckle Even as my kneecaps buckle Start to break out in a sweat This whole time here is surreal So I read the missallette Should I stand or should I kneel But I can't rely on such The pages jump around too much Should I stand or should I kneel now A better format is ideal Should I stand or should I kneel now Tells me when to stand or kneel Every moment is a struggle All these movements that I juggle When God's glory is revealed Better know when to stand or kneel.

This is, by far, one of my personal favorite parody songs.

I remember listening to the radio, and hearing The Clash's song, and thinking how cool it would be to cover this song, because it was crafted so it could rock, but you could hear the lyrics clearly. The challenge was to find the right subject matter.

I had grown up Episcopalian, so the idea of going to a Catholic liturgy was not so foreign to me. But it was still different enough that there were moments when I was lost. How much more lost would it be for a total outsider, perhaps a punk rocker, to venture in?

No easy answer to this, but it's worth thinking about. Still, I'm happy the comedy works here. 51

Steuby East Parody of Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

I walk a faithful road Believe that Jesus Christ died for my soul He’s claimed me for His own And one thing is for sure: I want to grow.

I told my fam’ly priest I’d be goin’ up today for Steuby East My love and faith increased One thing is for sure: I want to grow. I want to go, I want to grow.

I’ll follow Him, Experience the Glory I’ll forgo sin, and leave the world behind me. It’s time I let the Holy Spirit guide me. Because I want to grow…

I love the worship band Worshipping live with Martin Doman It’s not like summer camp And I really really want to grow.

I told my fam’ly priest I’d be goin’ up today for Steuby East My love and faith increased One thing is for sure: I want to grow. I want to go, I want to grow.

Steubenville East is an annual weekend-long retreat where high schoolers, from around the Northeast region, congregate to learn about God, pray, have confessions. I had played this for a pre-Steubenville East event I had been invited to. The Green Day song was all over the radio, and I liked it, and thought this would be a hit.

It was not as well received as I had anticipated. Maybe I had an off day. I was under the impression that this would be killer, but it was not to be.

In retrospect, I think one of the biggest problems was that the audience was a mixture of Steubenville newbies, who didn't get the in-joke references to the Steubenville culture, and the Steubenville retreat masters, who, quite frankly, had moved past listening to Green Day. It was an odd juxtaposition that had alienated both camps.

Live and learn. 52

Suicide Hotline Parody of “I Am the Walrus” Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney Performed by The Beatles

I can see that you’re in need of a family but yours is not together You want a hug; all you need is love; but ya got it so rough You’re crying. Your Momma’s workin’ two shifts; Daddy left on a train… Never to return, for too long you’ve been burned, You’re feeling kinda down and now you want to end it all

It’s a mistake man, (NO!) Why don’t you wait man, (NO!) Why don’t you call us?

Listen, Billy, we are sitting, listening, waiting idly by the phone. Don’t waste no time, it doesn’t cost a dime for you to call… Start dialing. Start dial-ing, Stop crying. You’re crying.

You can find the number (1-800-dontdoit), it’s up there on the T V screen When you’re feeling lonely, desp’rate, anxious, worried Don’t take drastic measures, operators standing by

Flunking out of English class, because of all the strain. So you don’t get an A And you would give up livin’, throw it all away.

Teachers, preachers, over-reachers And all your “friends”, they seem to pick on you… You put on a smile, but bullies, they deride you And you are terrified… and cryin’. Don’t throw in the towel Don’tcha know that I was picked on too Sometimes life ain’t rosy, sorry to be nosy We can bring you laughter, just don’t give in to these thoughts.

Suicide Stop-Force, Suicide Stop-Force Suicide Stop-Force, Suicide Stop-Force…

"I am the Walrus" has the distinction of being one of the most indecipherable lyrics ever put to paper. Parody doesn't work well with poetry. You have to make the indecipherable decipherable. I think-- subject matter notwithstanding--this is one of my strongest parodies, and most heartfelt. It's got comic chops, and a message that fits the tone of the song like a glove. 53

Teaching Them To Read Parody of "Turning Japanese” Written by David Fenton Performed by The Vapors

I am a Christian from out of town I run a mission, I travel 'round I like to preach the Gospel where it's not allowed Oh it is harder ‘cause if I fail I could get martyred or stuck in jail But I know this: that the mission will prevail

I am a Christian, that's on a mission And I’m preaching where all preaching’s devoid I pass thru customs, without suspicion ‘Cause within their schools, I just got employed And so I sneak right in, right past the guards I'm teaching him, I'm teaching her

I'm teaching them to read I hope by teaching them to read I'm gonna save souls. [4x]

I am a Christian, that's on a mission And my English skills, they take me so far It's not just doctrine, it's my conviction That the Gospel’s true wherever you are And so I'm teaching him, I'm teaching her I teach the class, I reach the world

Now class on the blackboard You will see three letters There's G - O - D now Put 'em together That's "God" You're gonna see some changes in our homework routine Tonight you're gonna memorize John 3:16. Everyone...

In the back of my mind, while writing this, I was reminded of going to an Urbana missions conference. It was one of those great national conferences that helped me understand the bigger world out there outside of our own culture.

One of the opportunities was to provide teachers to countries that were antagonistic towards Christian beliefs. Missionaries would risk their lives by going there under the aegis of teaching English.

These are true heroes for today. By their witness, they prove that there is no lack for martyrs. Pray for them. 54

Teasin' (Parody of "The Reason" by Hoobastank)

I've got some ugly pimples It's time for me to face up to my fears It looks like rock formations in Peru Cause I just want you to hear I buy some medication But Clearasil and Oxy will not do I know your teasin's on me Just riffing over my ac-ne. And school's about to start; I have to go, But teasin's so easy to do... But I just want you to know When the teasin's from you. [4x]

I know your teasin's on me I've got some ugly pimples You'd start to riff on my ac-ne. My face has dark red polkadots in view But teasin's so easy to do... And school's about to start; I have to go, When the teasin's from you. But I just want you to know

It's sometimes really hurts to I know your teasin's on me Look at myself, and at my pimpled face Just riffing over my ac-ne. Yet, when you aim your laughter But teasin's so easy to do... It hits more hard than I could ever take When the teasin's from you. But one day these pimples will go And my face will then begin to glow When your ugliness starts to shine thru Would we be teasin'... you?

This song, as I see it, doesn't really work. I wrote it at the same time as I wrote "Searching", for a high school event. I sometimes am inclined to write a number of parody songs based on current hits right before an event, and then pick the best one. This didn't make it.

The reason why it doesn't work is simply because I think it tries too hard. And in trying too hard, I lose my comic voice. The sounds of desperation for a laugh ring louder than the actual jokes. And on top of this, there's a level of authenticity that doesn't jibe. If a person's so distraught by how he looks, why would he make jokes at his own expense?

I include it as an example of a parody gone wrong. Of course, there are other parody songs even worse than this one. In such company, this one happens to be the least offensive.

55

That's When He Told Me Parody of Somebody Told Me by The Killers

I just came back–got a tale to tell But as I tried to steer the gabbing far from I just came back from the Samar’tan this. township well… Whatever I had lobbed at Him, He would hit I’m not on crack, got nothing to sell Could this be Christ, could this be Christ– There at that place, I had seen this dude the proooof? Looked at His face, saw that He was a Time that I worship in Spirit and in Truth… Jew… That’s when he told me Did He not know what was plain in view That I had five husbands That I couldn’t talk with that man, a Jew… –the guy that I lived with " was not real-ly my husband. Hey, look Give me a drink, give me a drink" he cried. there I looked at him and wondered "Who’s this You pray on that mountain guy?" You should have a fountain that’s welling up, welling up… That’s when he told me That I had five husbands He said "I am He, –the guy that I lived with Messi-ah, who’s coming." was not real-ly my husband. Hey, look And He’s still at the well right now there O how you oughta know this guy… You pray on that mountain You should have a fountain… [x3] Coz that’s what he told me What He had said, made me want to run That I had five husbands Where did he get the skinny on what I had –the guy that I lived with done? was not real-ly my husband. Hey, look As you can guess, it was just no fun. there I had tried to steer the subject far from this. You pray on that mountain So I pointed out that he had nothing to draw You should have a fountain with… that’s welling up, welling up … insi-i-ide.

This makes me smile. It's one of my few parodies based upon an actual story from the Bible (John 4).

The challenge of doing a parody of such is that the result is pre-ordained, the story is not open- ended, and thus the comedy loses a level of predictability. Another challenge is that the voice of the character is a female, but the song was clearly sung by males (I'm not aware of a female- vocal'd cover). I've done parodies of female songs before, but if I was to do this, I'd have to hire another vocalist to do it right, and I haven't grown to that level.

Other than those factors, this song is extremely funny to me, and emotionally resonant. 56

Thérèse Of Lisieux Parody of "Electric Avenue” Written and Performed by Eddy Grant

Born in some ancient French village There was a girl who loved every one. She learned of God real early. She wanted to be a nun.

I know that God talked to Thérèse of Lisieux Known as "The Little Flower" I know that God talks thru Thérèse of Lisieux With intercession power

Entered the convent at fifteen, But she had to speak with the Pope. From this we've got a good story, Yes it's the story of her soul.

She left us in her mid-twenties Without a college degree She taught us from her example She's now a saint with a Ph.D.

St. Therese of Lisieux was a young religious sister who passed away at 25. She had only one major work, her "A Story Of A Soul," and was relatively unknown at the time of her passing. Her popularity increased exponentially once her writing became a modern-day spiritual classic, a treatise as to how to attain sanctity, not by doing grandiose things, but through the "Little Way." Her reach has become worldwide.

This was in my head when writing this parody. If her reach was worldwide, then is it not unreasonable to have a song honoring her memory (and celebrating her title of "Doctor of the Church") by crafting a parody song from a part of the world that is the opposite of French? Does pop-infused reggae fit the bill? Oh, yes it does.

I grew up loving this song, but one thing I never understood until years later was how remarkably simple the song is. It's a complete rarity: a one-chord wonder. The whole song can be sung using a single guitar chord, with no changing chords mid song. It's a perfect pop song for the absolute beginner.

In light of that, I kept bringing the original out every now and then, always in my consciousness. In doing so, I kept this song firmly entrenched in my mind, ready at the helm to be used for any parody song that will be the perfect fit. Once I made the connection that the nineteenth century French nun is a phonetic fit for the title phrase, the song was written shortly afterward. 57

These Beads Parody of "These Dreams” Written by Martin Page & Taupin Performed by Heart

I know some that do not like the topic of this tune Lyrics here, once were hard to take, when I was So I ask: please don’t be like those who’ve left the Protestant room Had a diff’rent rendrng of what “Behold your For this song is on Mary, and what she represents mother” meant Particularly the rosary - these beads around my But when I, got a book on, apparitions as a gift wrist I could not deny the testimonies, nor the read’s hypothesis. Many years, some expressed their fears, With a passionate concern It’s got the Lord’s Prayer... and a crucifix Some make allegations saying Catholics worship + the “H.M.’s” are what He would say, so it’s not her in vain Some don’t like the recitations, call it vain, That love that they share, it can’t be missed! repetitious While some of these are good arguments, Now it makes such perfect sense, the Church is I sing of what they’ve missed Family We’ve a Father who is God, and a Mother who’s These beads / I see them with new eyes our Queen Every decade points to Christ, Sibling saints, they surround us, bearing witness And He is not surprised to the Son, These beads / I do not compromise And this song, it’s not wishful thinking: it’s ‘Coz if Our Lady’s full of grace -- Hebrews 12:1 His glory’s on her face These beads / Come see them with new eyes Every single decade points to Christ, He’s not at all surprised These beads / She is not deified-- For our Lady’s full of grace -- She’s with Him face-to-face.

This was one of my few attempts to make a parody song that would be entirely like an apologetics tract, in this case, how I came to understand the doctrines of Mary in the Catholic Church, even when I was a Protestant. It was a dicey subject, and one very close to my heart.

It was my hope that the comedy would stem forth from the production values and the odd juxtaposition between the tone of the original and the contents of the new. It was a dare, and I went with it.

As for the contents themselves, I think the song has many merits, and many people have come and expressed admiration for this song. I do think that to line up the full story within the strict confines of this melody marks some sort of achievement. But in retrospect, it probably could have stood at least one more rewrite. Certain phrases now jar at me, and I wish I was a little bit more forthcoming. Sad to say, but the audience for whom this was intended would've probably hit the "next" button on their CD players. 58

This Time of Forty Days Parody of “King of Pain” Written by Sting Peformed by The Police

There’s a little black spot on your head today I guess it must mean today is Ash Wednesday When you fast, don’t act like all those Pharisees And we enter a time when we will give things up Rumpled hair, bruises on their hands and knees For some it’s so easy, but for me it’s tough Instead wash yourself, put on a happy face And on the Feast of St. Joseph you can take a I hope I can last, without it being a pain break… On Fridays no meat, but at least fish is okay Forty Days… We just got our throats blessed on the Feast of St. Blaise Now Jesus, He fasted thru the wilderness (Is And it starts right this week, this time of forty my soul prepared?) days With all the Church offers, can we do no less? (Is my soul prepared?) There’s a little black spot on your head today There’s a little black spot on your head today (Is my soul prepared?) Is it dark, is it bold, or has it faded grey? It’s to remind us that from dust we came (Is my soul prepared?) I hope I can last, without it being a pain Guess I should read a good book, and watch the On Fridays no meat, but at least fish is okay T.V. less (Is my soul prepared?) When I’ve completed this Lent, don’t want to Should I complete the Old Testament, or Pray’r of be the same Jabez? (Is my soul prepared?) As I am right this week, upon these forty days

I hope we can last, without it being a pain Forty Days…Forty Days…Forty Days… On Fridays no meat, but at least fish is okay You’ll always need… Forty Days… I guess I should stop calling my sister bad You’ll always need… Forty Days… names You’ll always need… Forty Days… And it starts right this week, this time of forty You’ll always need… Forty Days… days

When I began writing parody songs, I made a pact that I would not cover a parody that the master, "Weird Al", had already done. I knew that I was no match to compete with the songs that have been firmly entrenched in millions of minds who have already become familiar with his songs.

But that went out the window when I stumbled upon the idea of the very first line, "There's a little black spot on your head today..." Very few songs have made me laugh so hard right out of the gate. I knew I had to write something to fulfill the song.

When it came time to create a video, I knew it had to be this song, because of the many comic possibilities a video could afford. I also had aspirations that such a song would be a perennial Fat Tuesday song, being used to gently remind others of the importance of Lent, but also to lightly needle those who use Lent ineffectively. To this day I hear of Catholic teachers playing this video in their classrooms, to help teach this lesson. It is one of my proudest achievements.

59

Tithe After Tithe Parody of "Time After Time" Written by Cyndi Lauper and Rob Hyman Performed by Cyndi Lauper

My girlfriend and I were talking One night after a prayer group Could I share, yet maintain the way I'm living? She's filled with such devotion Tithe after tithe. But her question threw me for a loop If I fall can I catch up on my giving? "Do you tithe?" I said no. I don't have time. Tithe after tithe. I never have enough, but she said... And what kinds of groups I'd be donating? Tithe after tithe. "I thank God for what He's done for me How much longer would I stop hesitating? "In the times I pray and go to church Tithe after tithe. "But there's something in the moment "When you sacrifice from your purse" My girlfriend was so right, for all this time She asked if I'd start. I said I'll try. And I don't miss a dime But questions raced my mind I could share yet maintain the way I'm living Could I share, yet maintain the way I'm living? Tithe after tithe. Tithe after tithe. If I fall I should catch up on my giving If I fall can I catch up on my giving? Tithe after tithe. Tithe after tithe. All these groups they depend on my donating Tithe after tithe. I worked on a budget from a book by Larry Burkett And I give and it feels so exhilerating! One point of confusion, should I work off the gross Tithe after tithe. or net? Tithe after tithe. Tithe after tithe. Wednesday, was laid off, I'm in a bind. Tithe after tithe. Tithe after... Those questions raced my mind

This really happened. When my wife and I were in the dating phase of our relationship, we had a conversation where I was humbled in the lack of tithing I had done. So I changed my stance and gave it a try. I have been tithing ever since.

From a parody standpoint, I wanted to craft a song that was unique in that it was personal, but still had a number of comic rejoinders throughout. It wasn't enough to rest on the central comic conceit. I needed to find the humor inherent in the subject matter.

The humor was hidden in the honest questions I pondered before I made the jump. And it's funny because people think of these, but don't know if anybody else has the same thoughts. It's funny because it's true. It's funny because it's relatable, but in this case, it's relatable with a perfect marriage between melody of a popular standard and the thoughts behind such.

Honesty is the best source of comedy.

60

Tradition (500 Years) Parody of I'm Gonna Be (500 miles) Written by Craig Reid and Charlie Reid Performed by the Proclaimers

Well I praise God, And you know what I believe, yes I believe But there's struggles, That God is Triune Three-in-One Some people disagreed but they took their And there's Jesus Disagreements to debate. Yes, you know what I believe, yes I believe After prayer, That He is truly God's own Son. Logic and Scripture Study, yes I believe The Holy Spirit had His say. There's the Bible And you know what I believe, yes I believe And I would wait five hundred years That every book within is True. And I would wait five hundred more All those doctrines If it means that we have rock solid beliefs Of the Apostle's Creed, I too believe. That came down from our Lord They passed through history for you. Tradition! (Tradition!) Tradition! (Tradition!) Tra-di-da-dadada-dadada-dadada-dition! And these passed down five hundred years Tradition! (Tradition!) Tradition! (Tradition!) And these passed down five hundred more Tra-di-da-dadada-dadada-dadada-dition! But it means that we have rock solid beliefs That came down from our Lord Now we're broken, Into diverse beliefs, many beliefs Thru all hist'ry And each one carries Jesus' Name Many people who believed Yes they believed Let's assemble in God they lived and died for Him Ev'ry leader who believes, don't let'em leave For our Master, Until we have a single faith... He had said that He would be yes He would be Sell tickets to the world's largest debate. With us until the very end.

One time a non-Christian reviewer criticized this song as being too Catholic. It was one of the few times where I responded to a review, because I truly believe that it was meant to be a bridge between the denominations, not something that was against other Christian belief systems. Every example that I had led up to the chorus was in doctrines that the vast majority of Christian denominations agree upon. My point was that the reason these doctrines even exist today is because they had been passed down from generations before, and that act in itself is a tradition. That's all.

In terms of craft, I knew I had a song the moment I came up with a play of the original's "Ta-Da- Da!" I took a non-word, and made meaning out of it. Not only that, but it came across as a silly, but funny affirmation of that word.

Non-words are a fantastic source of humor.

61

Transubstantiation Parody of "Revolution" Written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney Performed by The Beatles

We got transubstantiation, as well you know We try to go to daily mass At Lent we have the fourteen stations, as well you know And incentive for our fasts

'Cause when I hear Cath'lics are tryin' to get out Just goes to show that they don't know what it's all about 'Cause I believe it's right, so right, it's God's light.

We remember confirmation, as well you know It was all so very quaint Sometimes we got bilocation, as well you know Padre Pio and the saints

Our hist'ry, apostles, the ros'ry, stigmata, Infant of Prague So many things I can't help but think of all we've got 'Cause I believe it's right, so right, it's God's light.

This was the third big parody I had written, and it solidified my decision to go into this territory.

I was at this Catholic Association of Musicians' conference, and two things were happening; first, I had been encouraged by many people to move towards parody writing, after witnessing my performances off stage, while waiting for a sound-check; I was wrestling with this. But secondly, I had heard a presentation from Tom Booth, who lamented the lack of Catholic doctrine in much of today's songs; he made an off-hand comment (I don't think it was part of his notes), about how cool it would be if there was a song out there called "Transubstantiation."

When I heard him say that, immediately I connected "Transubstantiation" with The Beatles' "Revolution," and took it as a personal dare to craft a full parody song with this title. During the retreats' quiet moments, you could see me furiously scribbling in the corner, writing, rewriting a draft of this song.

Word had spread about my parody writing skills, and people gathered to hear them at the Pizza Hut the next night (after the second night of performances). I was able to produce this parody as is written above. It was the night that solidified my decision to go for it.

62

We Want God (wo) Parody of "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus.

Meet Miss Miley, she can do all she wants Making their work like it's the bathroom. She acts all smiley. What a fine debutante! Flames that burn down here Suddenly she's flighty; now she's startin' to flaunt Leads to burnouts, yea, yea yea yeah And her fans all respond, she's gone too far beyond. (So) What do we believe? Could we be deceived? Read stuff that's all about me everywhere Thought we could be free, Can't even share what's all out there. But it would always be naught My fans they seem to be stunned now As we carouse, we live a ruse And my spin cycle can't get this gunk out. We want God. (wo) We need God. (wo) If I'm imprison'd in this role, Can't you see it's we who are in need of the Can't I get on parole? Light Think I see my world inside As we see the mess we’ve made of our lives? It believes the all-eyed zeitgeist. We want God. (wo) We need God. (wo) All our sins, they're the ruin of us (So) What do I believe? Could I be deceived? Making us shrill and gloomilillous, Yeah yeah. Thought I could be free, But it would always be naught Now add Miley to the mega-meltdown watch, Also, add Hudgens, and Bynes and Minaj Up in my house, I live a ruse They could join Britney, Ryder, Lohan and Reid I want God. (wo) I need God. (wo) DON'T WE KNOW THE CATASTROPHIC LIVES THAT Can't you see it's me who's in need of the THEY'LL LEAD? Light As that wrecking ball rams through my life? Celebrity starlets, how they FALL THROUGH I want God. (wo) I need God. (wo) It's not enough for us to just MAKE DO. All my sins, they're the ruin of me No "Fame for Dummies" book sharing its HOW Making me shrill and gloomililly, Yeah yeah. TO. We're tryin' please, Lord, we just need a You have met Miley. Yes, she does all she BREAKTHROUGH. wants. But now meet Britney, with her late evening Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Eeeh, jaunts. Kim and Khloë, and the rest of their clan Katy and her new man, also Miss Lohan. We want God. (wo) We need God. (wo) Can't you see it's we who are in need of the To the famed girlfriends with the big bucks Light Rolling in deeper with the worst luck As we see the mess we’ve made of our lives? They've got relationship traumas, We want God. (wo) We need God. (wo) Drug induced dramas, they're hating their Mamas. We can see that it's not about us And everyone at work in the newsroom Give us the will for virtuous-nous, Yeah yeah.

In 2013, Miley Cyrus was all over the news, especially for her outlandish acts at the MTV VMAs, and introducing "twerking" into the popular consciousness. I crafted a two-song parody (between this and "Don't Believe Lies") that addressed this detrimental short-cutting of one's talents to be taken over by headline-grabbing antics. I used this parody to perhaps tell the story of a celebrity who is really yearning for God, instead of the trappings of fame, but doesn't quite know it yet. 63

We Want To Stand United Parody of "We Didn’t Start the Fire” Written and Performed by Billy Joel

AD 313, an edict from Constantine We want to stand united Granted Roman Empire religious freedom We have read thru pages from throughout the ages First time Church was freed, called its worship liturgy We want to stand united Who'd a thunk there'd ever be subdivisions. Where’s cooperation ‘tween denominations? First came Arius, against Athanasius

Questioning the nature of Christ's divinity Baptists form, then they split, Wesleyan makes Methodists, Augustine on the scene, clarifies with Nicene Creed Mormons follow Joseph Smith as a Deity. Popes and scribes, true allies, New Testament canonized! Whitefield, Edwards, then Finney, A.M.E. from Bigotry

JWs, they’ve introduced a lower-case ‘g’. We want to stand united Maria Monk’s tale not true, Darwin’s Monkey Trial blues, We have read thru pages from throughout the ages Asuza Street, Campfire Meet, Preacher Billy Sunday! We want to stand united With the learned scholars and those men in collars We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages Next seven centuries, Church had battled heresies We want to stand united Gave a title to Mary: Theotokos. Gotta heal the schism, to share Christ is risen Establishment of Holy Week

Latin broke out from the Greek Twenty cent’ries pass on by, Atheism on the rise Rising of the city Constantinople Major Publication, Time, asks “Is God dead?”. Leo and Gregory, sending forth missionaries “Reason triumphs over faith”that’s what critics seem to say Miscommunication of Boris of the Bulgars “If the Christians are a body, it’s without a head.” Photius, Ignatius, leading to Greek Orthodox Within weeks, Jesus Freaks, passing tracts out on the street Schism in 1054, never been a break before! Says you don’t need doctrine ‘coz, “All you need is Jesus”

Get on course–let’s discourse–We’re all victims of divorce! We want to stand united Twenty Thousand factions formed, I can’t take it anymore! We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united We want to stand united Can the word be spoken if the body's broken We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united Middle Age, The Crusades, Inquisition within Spain For this can’t go on, for it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s Sacred Scripture was preserved wrong... (Monks hand-copied living Word) Mortal sins, Grievances, Corruption of indulgences History hits a milestone with Guttenberg’s invention We’re gonna stand united! Luther, Calvin, Henry Eight, each opted to separate I can’t wait till heaven where the book is read, then Pilgrims, New world, Quaker State, divisions multiply We’re gonna stand united! Counter-Reformation, Trent, 30 years of war with France, And all sin’s wages blotted from the pages… Germany, Spain, Netherlands--fighting for Revival!

I see parody songs as a tremendous opportunity to tackle subjects that would be otherwise completely ignored in the world of popular song. Christian history is one of them. I'm of the opinion that most Christians today are completely ignorant of their history, their heritage, warts and all. I opted to craft a single song that touches all the cultural bases of every moment when Christianity had another schism. The magnitude of what had happened is devastating for the Christian witness. We forget that. The challenge is to do this and still make it funny. I think there's enough turns of phrase that does exactly this. In the appendix, I go into detail over every single reference in this song. 64

Why Can’t I Be (Parody of “I Don’t Want To Be” by Gavin DeGraw)

I think I’m called to go help others, but I don’t have the time. I think I’m called to go help others, but it’s an uphill climb I think I’m called to go help others, but I don’t have a dime. All right, I do have the money, but it’s hard, t’give up what’s mine!

Why can’t I just be all the things that our God had in store when He had made me? All I ever do’s think of my own foolish pride I find I’m utterly consumed with things I want to do ‘stead of livin’ out what I believe. Why can’t I just be livin’ to be holy?

I abound in cool comforts … yet give nothing in return I abound in sharper images… yet give nothing in return I abound in Martha Stewart living… yet give nothing in return When I read of their suffering…Why am I not more concerned?

Can I make a suggestion please? If I give it all to myself, there’s nothing I receive. Perhaps I’ll surmount this and rid of temptations To give to the nations, maybe I can change myself but it only starts if I start asking…

The root of this song is about the war within my own self, the desire to do what's right, and our own capacity of never living up to that ideal. Heavy subject matter, but it's a gift to comedians. It's the root of self-effacing humor. And such humor is safe, honest, and transformative.

In retrospect, I wish I had recorded this song. I honestly don't know how well I would've pulled it off; the song has a very peculiar vibe to it, and the singing style is one-of-a-kind. Perhaps I would.

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Conclusion I thank you for the opportunity to share my handiwork over the last fifteen years. Writing these songs have been a mixture of fun and struggle, of laughter and personal growth. This resource was birthed out of a concern that most people purchasing my songs through digital means would finally have the lyrics before them, but it grew into a bigger project. It is now more than that. It contains ideas that never fully made it into the studio, but people may still have a need for them. For youth ministers, public speakers, classroom teachers, and parents, this may be a great tool in your arsenal, to share the Catholic-Christian faith in a lively, memorable, and fun manner. For others, it may spark creativity on your own, to see how a parody song can be written, in a manner that is in keeping with copyright law, that honors the original song, that contains considerable knowledge, and provides enough guffaws for the listener to encourage repeated listens. As we are now fully entered into the digital revolution, I invite all prospective filmmakers and youth groups: if you wish to use one of my songs in a video parody, you have my permission; all I ask is that you let me know. There is a ton of ideas here, and you are welcome to build upon these songs to craft your own viral sensation. Lastly, if you ever want to bring me in to your group, to deliver a keynote, to serve on a retreat, to speak at an assembly, or to simply play a concert of these songs, I would love to. I've done them all. In conclusion, I hope that you may get out of this resource is more than just the songs themselves. I would hope that you would grow in your faith to use the gifts that God the Father has blessed you with, in ways you have never considered before. 66

Appendix 1. How to Do The R.C.I.A. 2. Skit - Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel 3. Skit - Ichthus 4. We Want to Stand United (Detailed Explanation)

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How to Do the R.C.I.A.

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Skits

Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel

Cast: Joe Punker: Punk kid, wearing raggedy jeans, torn t-shirt, etc. “Friend”: Exact opposite, wearing the most nerdy attire--sweater, glasses, tie, etc. (this should be the youth group leader).

Scene: Joe stands alone in front of church. Joe: Well, here I am in front of . I’ve never been here before. A friend invited me to this morning’s 10:45, um… (unsure) mash? Mast? … what is it called? Mass? (gets it) Mass! I don’t even know if I belong here. But, you know, I am curious. I’ve always wanted to go to one of these things. And then this [guy/girl] invited me, and I thought, heh, why not? … I do wish (s)he’d come. Uh oh… it looks like it starting. I guess I might as well go in.

Opening Strains for “Should I Stand Or Should I Kneel” begins. Joe lip-synchs the rest of the song as follows:

SHOULD I STAND OR SHOULD I KNEEL Parody of "Should I Stay or Should I Go" Written and performed by The Clash Lyrics Copyright © 2000 Nick Kleszczewski Music. Used by Permission. From “A Time To Laugh” (2000) and available on iTunes.

LYRICS Directions Joe: Never been to liturgy Don't know what's required of me But one day I was invited Check it out's what I decided My friend he had not yet arrived Guess I'll look for him inside Joe turns around, takes a few steps (as if he’s going inside), then turns around again, (as if the scene is now inside the church). Mass began at quarter-to Joe looks at watch. So I find myself a pew Searches for a “pew” Looking awkward I suspect Don't know how to genuflect Bumbles as he genuflects. 70

Deep confusion I now feel Looks confused. Should I stand or should I kneel Puts hands up by his side, as if he’s openly confused… Joe: Should I stand or should I kneel now Should I stand or should I kneel now Every moment is a struggle All these movements that I juggle Crosses forehead, lips, heart… I need help thru this ordeal...

Start to break out in a sweat Wipes “sweat” off his brow. So I read the missallette Picks up “missallette.” But I can't rely on such The pages jump around too much Furiously flips pages. A better format is ideal Closes missalette. Tells me when to stand or kneel

Should I stand or should I kneel now Should I stand or should I kneel now There's no time for me to grumble Take it in; it makes me humble Can someone help hear my appeal Should I stand or should I kneel

(Instrumental) During the instrumental, he jumps out into the audience, and does his meanest air guitar. Go CRAZY. Just before the solo ends, Joe returns to the center stage. At a time I least expect Checks watch. My friend came in, he overslept “Friend” FINALLY enters, taps Joe on shoulder. Joe responds positively. Rest of mass he walked me thru Friend picks up missallete, opens it Showed me what to say and do Friend shows missallette to Joe, Joe nodds his head in approval. Still wonder why to stand or kneel Must be somethin' 'bout that meal. Joe raises his hands in the air, as if he is the priest raising the Host.

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Joe: Should I stand or should I kneel now Joe still sings this out to the audience, while “Friend” is trying to get Joe’s attention. Joe sings to the end.. Should I stand or should I kneel now Deep inside I have to chuckle Even as my kneecaps buckle This whole time here is surreal Should I stand or should I kneel

Should I stand or should I kneel now Should I stand or should I kneel now Every moment is a struggle All these movements that I juggle When God's glory is revealed Better know when to stand or kneel.

THE END.

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Ichthus Parody Skit

Cast: Kevin: the mysterious new kid in school Lori: Rebellious daughter of school principal. Chris: Football Jock Sarah: Spunky BFF sidekick

Setting: School cafeteria. Chris , Lori and Sarah meet together.

Chris: First day of school! Lori: Yeah, what a bummer, Chris. Sarah: Still, it’s just so GREAT to see you all again—did you have a good summer? Chris: Sure did. Spent it working at the summer camp… hey, who’s that kid?

Kevin walks in stage right His whole body is adorned with “ichthus”(fish) symbols).

Kevin: Hey, do you know where home ec is? Sarah: Down the hall and to the right. Hey… you’re the new kid, right? Kevin: Yeah, I’m Kevin. Chris: Well I’m Chris. This is Sarah, and there’s Lori—(whispers loudly) watch out for HER— she’s the principal’s daughter. Lori: I HEARD that! And what’s that symbol that you’re…um…wearing? Kevin: Well it’s a long story, but it’s called… Lori: (interrupts) …because if it’s what *I* think it is, then you’re not supposed to wear that here. In case they didn’t tell you, it’s a public school. Kevin: Oh, that’s all right… I was just saying that it’s called… Chris: It’s just a whole lot of squiggly things. Nothing wrong with that. It appears a lot of automobile manufacturers have this logo. I’ve seen it on tons of cars. Kevin: Yes, it’s on cars and stuff, but it’s not from an auto dealer, it’s called an… Sarah: (interrupts) Guys—will you just be QUIET? He’s trying to tell us what that thing is! Brief silence. Kevin counts to ten quickly, and then proceeds. Kevin: It’s called… holds hand up to quiet any other interrupters… “Ichthus.” Altogether? Lori, Chris, Sarah: ICHTHUS. Kevin: Ichthus... is the symbol of the earliest Christian believers, at a time when their beliefs were being suppressed by the government in their day. Chris: Sounds a LOT like HIGH SCHOOL. Kevin pulls out a sign: IXΘYΣ Kevin: Really quickly, here’s what it means. (to audience) Repeat after me! “ee-oh-ta!” (ee-oh-ta!) “chi!” (chi!) “theta!” (theta!) “oo-psilan!” (oopsilan!) “sigma!” (sigma!” To each letter again: “Jesus Christ, God, Son, Saviour” (Jesus, Christ, God, Son, Savior). Sarah: Thanks for the lesson, Kevin… 73

Chris: Thanks for the lesson too—when I hit college, I want to go Greek. Lori: You know, I respect your beliefs, even though I have to face up to my Dad, the principal. Do you know what I should say to him if he were to ask me what’s with your logo? Kevin: Just tell him my story… HIT IT!! Ichthus the song begins. Lip Synch and dance as you see fit.

IXΘYΣ (say “Ich-thus”) Parody of “Footloose” Written by Kenny Loggins and Dean Pitchford Performed by Kenny Loggins

Been preaching; it’s not hard. So I try to be explainin’ our roots: From the back of my car “IXΘYΣ” The rear-bumper Preaching eternal truths. A silver sticker’s what I’ve got. Read the Creed And this here sticker, well, it looks like a fish, yeah Summed up in a word that’s in Greek Inside are letters, from the Greek alphabet. For my Lord He calls us to share and adore Gets me back to my roots: Iχθυσ Dude, it’s truth Preaching eternal truths. I’m a shoutin’ from my roof: IXΘYΣ!! Read the Creed Summed up in a word that’s in Greek What’s Iχθυσ?!? Jack, this tract What’s Iχθυσ?!? It shows that He died then came back. What’s Iχθυσ?!? Dude, it’s true What’s Iχθυσ?!? I’m a shoutin’ from my roof: IXΘYΣ Iota (I) to Upsilon (Y), You’re driving to school Means Jesus Christ is God’s Son Pretending ev’rything’s cool The Sigma means Savior But a traffic jam hits hard (Al-le-lu-ia). You’ll be late, and irate on the boulevard That’s what I call Good News! Look out your window, and you see this sign IXΘYΣ, yeah! Shout it from your roof! “IXΘYΣ” Roll down the window, and yell “Hey Buddy, what’s with the sign”

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We Want to Stand United (Explanation) Parody of "We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel Parody Lyrics by Nick Alexander

AD 313, an edict from Constantine Granted Roman Empire religious freedom First time Church was freed, called its worship “liturgy” Who'd a thunk there'd ever be subdivisions. First came Arius, against Athanasius Questioning the nature of Christ's divinity Augustine on the scene, clarifies with Nicene Creed Popes and scribes, true allies, New Testament canonized!

We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united With the learned scholars and those men in collars

Next seven centuries, Church had battled heresies Gave a title to Mary: Theotokos. Establishment of Holy Week Latin broke out from the Greek Rising of the city Constantinople Leo and Gregory, sending forth missionaries Miscommunication of Boris of the Bulgars Photios, Ignatius, leading to Greek Orthodox Schism in 1054, never been a break before!

We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united Can the word be spoken if the body's broken

Middle Age, The Crusades, Inquisition within Spain Sacred Scripture was preserved (Monks hand-copied living Word) Mortal sins, Grievances, Corruption of indulgences History hits a milestone with Guttenberg’s invention Luther, Calvin, Henry Eight, each opted to separate Pilgrims, New world, Quaker State, divisions multiply Counter-Reformation, Trent, 30 years of war with France, Germany, Spain, Netherlands-- fighting for Revival!

We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages 75

We want to stand united Where’s cooperation ‘tween denominations?

Baptists form, then they split, Wesleyan makes Methodists, Mormons follow Joseph Smith as a Deity. Whitefield, Edwards, then Finney, A.M.E. from Bigotry JWs, they’ve introduced a lower-case ‘g’. Maria Monk’s tale not true, Darwin’s Monkey Trial blues, Azusa Street, Campfire Meet, Preacher Billy Sunday!

We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united Gotta heal the schism, to share Christ is risen

Twenty cent’ries pass on by, Atheism on the rise Major Publication, Time, asks “Is God dead?”. “Reason triumphs over faith” that’s what critics seem to say “If the Christians are a body, it’s without a head.” Within weeks, Jesus Freaks, passing tracts out on the street Says you don’t need doctrine ‘coz, “All you need is Jesus” Get on course–let’s discourse–We’re all victims of divorce! Twenty Thousand factions formed, I can’t take it anymore!

We want to stand united We have read thru pages from throughout the ages We want to stand united For this can’t go on, for it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong...

We’re gonna stand united! I can’t wait till heaven where the book is read, then We’re gonna stand united! And all sin’s wages blotted from the pages…

Copyright © 2001, Nick Kleszczewski Music

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Song Indexes 1. Parody Title Order 2. Artist Order 3. Date Order 4. Theme Order

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Parody Order Parody Title Original Title Artist Date Parody Album Themes Afflicted with Bugs Addicted To Love Robert Palmer 1985 Unrecorded. Moses and Pharaoh Call Our Lady Call Me Maybe Carly Rae 2012 Unrecorded Marian Devotion Jepsen Careless Blunder Careless Whisper Wham!/George 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Confession Michael Confiteor Conquistador Procol Harum 1972 Unrecorded Repentance/Liturgy Confession! Pressure Billy Joel 1982 A Time To Laugh Confession Don't Believe Lies Blurred Lines Robin Thicke 2013 Unrecorded The World Don't Take That Crown Don't Bring Me Down E.L.O. 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Pride Album Ecumenical Unforgettable Nat King Cole 1952 Eternal Life: The Party Ecumenism Album Evangelize I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Personal Evangelism Album Get Canonized A Saint Fly Away Lenny Kravitz 1999 Eternal Life: The Party Sainthood Album God Knows My Needs Come On Eileen Dexy's 1983 Unrecorded Testimony Midnight Runners Holy Thursday Monday Monday The Mamas 1966 I Wanna Be Debated Holy Week; Good Friday; and the Papas Easter Sunday I Got Me Kneeling I Gotta Feeling The Black- 2009 Unrecorded Personal Devotions Eyed Peas I Got You Saved I Got You Babe Sonny & Cher 1965 A Time To Laugh Personal Relationships, Pride I Wanna Be Debated I Wanna Be Sedated The Ramones 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism, Absolute Truth I'm Pro-Life I'm All Right Kenny Loggins 1980 Unrecorded Pro-Life Internet Bloggers Radio Ga-Ga Queen 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Mainstream media influence IXΘYΣ ("Ichthus") Footloose Kenny Loggins 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism; Church History Knights of Columbus Ironic Alanis 1995 Unrecorded Charities Morissette The Leper Song The Zephyr Song Red Hot Chili 2002 Unrecorded St. Francis of Assisi Peppers Love That Someone Summer Nights Grease 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Chastity; Theology of the Right Soundtrack Body Melt Me Pinch Me Barenaked 2000 Eternal Life: The Party Trusting in God Ladies Album Monastery Trip White Room Cream 1968 Eternal Life: The Party Monks Album My Heart's At Mass Heart of Glass Blondie 1978 Unrecorded Daily Mass Nahum Zephaniah Jenny (867-5309) Tommy 1981 Eternal Life: The Party Bible Malachi Tutone Album Nicene Creed Dancing Queen ABBA 1977 I Wanna Be Debated Liturgy Old Time Gregorian Old Time Rock 'n Roll Bob Seger 1978 A Time to Laugh Gregorian Chant Chant Our Mass Our House Madness 1982 A Time to Laugh Daily Mass Partake With My Lips Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler 1983 Unrecorded Mass and My Heart Pentecost Panama Van Halen 1984 Unrecorded Charismata, Pentecost, Holy Spirit. Preach on the Mass Beat on the Brat Ramones 1976 Unrecorded Evangelism, Liturgy. Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) Five For 2000 I Wanna Be Debated Priesthood, Current Events, Fighting Persistence R.C.I.A. Y.M.C.A. The Village 1978 A Time To Laugh Catholic Conversion People Repent Respect Aretha 1967 A Time to Laugh Repentance Franklin Rudolph Parody Rudolph the Red Nosed Burl Ives/Gene 1957 Unrecorded Christian unity. Reindeer Autry Salad Bowl Centerfold J. Geils Band 1981 I Wanna Be Debated Obesity, Self-control. Scripture Pictrure Kid Rock and 2003 Unrecorded Bibles Sheryl Crow The Searching One Thing Finger 11 2003 Unrecorded Personal Conversion 78

Should I Stand or Should Should I Stay or Should I The Clash 1982 A Time to Laugh Liturgy, Personal I Kneel Go Conversion Steuby East Boulevard of Broken Green Day 2004 Unrecorded High School Events Dreams Suicide Hotline I Am the Walrus The Beatles 1967 I Wanna Be Debated Depression, Hope. Teaching Them to Read Turning Japanese The Vapors 1980 Eternal Life: The Party Evangelism, Missions. Album Teasin' The Reason Hoobastank 2003 Unrecorded Friendship That's When He Told Me Somebody Told Me The Killers 2004 Unrecorded Evangelism, Parable Reinterpretation Thérèse of Lisieux Electric Avenue Eddy Grant 1982 Eternal Life: The Party Saint, Humility. Album These Beads These Dreams Heart 1985 Eternal Life: The Party Marian Spirituality; The Album Rosary. This Time of Forty Days King of Pain The Police 1983 I Wanna Be Debated Lent; Fasting. Tithe After Tithe Time After Time Cyndi Lauper 1983 A Time to Laugh Tithing Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) Proclaimers 1988 A Time to Laugh Church History; Christian Unity; Tradition Transubstantiation Revolution The Beatles 1968 A Time to Laugh Catholic Church We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop Miley Cyrus 2013 Unrecorded Tabloids, Pop Culture, Role Models/Celebrities We Want to Stand We Didn't Start the Fire Billy Joel 1989 Eternal Life: The Party Church History; Christian United Album Unity Why Can't I Be I Don't Want To Be Gavin DeGraw 2004 Unrecorded Humility; Sin 79

Artist Order Artist Parody Title Original Title Date Parody Album Themes ABBA Nicene Creed Dancing Queen 1977 I Wanna Be Debated Liturgy Alanis Morissette Knights of Columbus Ironic 1995 Unrecorded Charities Aretha Franklin Repent Respect 1967 A Time to Laugh Repentance Barenaked Ladies Melt Me Pinch Me 2000 Eternal Life: The Party Trusting in God Album Billy Joel Confession! Pressure 1982 A Time To Laugh Confession Billy Joel We Want to Stand We Didn't Start the Fire 1989 Eternal Life: The Party Church History; Christian United Album Unity Blondie My Heart's At Mass Heart of Glass 1978 Unrecorded Daily Mass Bob Seger Old Time Gregorian Old Time Rock 'n Roll 1978 A Time to Laugh Gregorian Chant Chant Bonnie Tyler Partake With My Lips Total Eclipse of the Heart 1983 Unrecorded Mass and My Heart Burl Ives/Gene Autry Rudolph Parody Rudolph the Red Nosed 1957 Unrecorded Christian unity. Reindeer Carly Rae Jepsen Call Our Lady Call Me Maybe 2012 Unrecorded Marian Devotion Cream Monastery Trip White Room 1968 Eternal Life: The Party Monks Album Cyndi Lauper Tithe After Tithe Time After Time 1983 A Time to Laugh Tithing Dexy's Midnight God Knows My Needs Come On Eileen 1983 Unrecorded Testimony Runners E.L.O. Don't Take That Crown Don't Bring Me Down 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Pride Album Eddy Grant Thérèse of Lisieux Electric Avenue 1982 Eternal Life: The Party Saint, Humility. Album Finger 11 The Searching One Thing 2003 Unrecorded Personal Conversion Five For Fighting Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) 2000 I Wanna Be Debated Priesthood, Current Events, Persistence Gavin DeGraw Why Can't I Be I Don't Want To Be 2004 Unrecorded Humility; Sin Gloria Gaynor Evangelize I Will Survive 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Personal Evangelism Album Grease Soundtrack Love That Someone Summer Nights 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Chastity; Theology of the Right Body Green Day Steuby East Boulevard of Broken 2004 Unrecorded High School Events Dreams Heart These Beads These Dreams 1985 Eternal Life: The Party Marian Spirituality; The Album Rosary. Hoobastank Teasin' The Reason 2003 Unrecorded Friendship J. Geils Band Salad Bowl Centerfold 1981 I Wanna Be Debated Obesity, Self-control. Kenny Loggins I'm Pro-Life I'm All Right 1980 Unrecorded Pro-Life Kenny Loggins IXΘYΣ ("Ichthus") Footloose 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism; Church History Kid Rock and Sheryl Scripture Pictrure 2003 Unrecorded Bibles Crow Lenny Kravitz Get Canonized A Saint Fly Away 1999 Eternal Life: The Party Sainthood Album Madness Our Mass Our House 1982 A Time to Laugh Daily Mass Miley Cyrus We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop 2013 Unrecorded Tabloids, Pop Culture, Role Models/Celebrities Nat King Cole Ecumenical Unforgettable 1952 Eternal Life: The Party Ecumenism Album Proclaimers Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) 1988 A Time to Laugh Church History; Christian Unity; Tradition Procol Harum Confiteor Conquistador 1972 Unrecorded Repentance/Liturgy Queen Internet Bloggers Radio Ga-Ga 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Mainstream media influence Ramones Preach on the Mass Beat on the Brat 1976 Unrecorded Evangelism, Liturgy. Red Hot Chili Peppers The Leper Song The Zephyr Song 2002 Unrecorded St. Francis of Assisi Robert Palmer Afflicted with Bugs Addicted To Love 1985 Unrecorded. Moses and Pharaoh Robin Thicke Don't Believe Lies Blurred Lines 2013 Unrecorded The World Sonny & Cher I Got You Saved I Got You Babe 1965 A Time To Laugh Personal Relationships, Pride The Beatles Suicide Hotline I Am the Walrus 1967 I Wanna Be Debated Depression, Hope. The Beatles Transubstantiation Revolution 1968 A Time to Laugh Catholic Church The Black-Eyed Peas I Got Me Kneeling I Gotta Feeling 2009 Unrecorded Personal Devotions 80

The Clash Should I Stand or Should Should I Stay or Should I 1982 A Time to Laugh Liturgy, Personal I Kneel Go Conversion The Killers That's When He Told Me Somebody Told Me 2004 Unrecorded Evangelism, Parable Reinterpretation The Mamas and the Holy Thursday Monday Monday 1966 I Wanna Be Debated Holy Week; Good Friday; Papas Easter Sunday The Police This Time of Forty Days King of Pain 1983 I Wanna Be Debated Lent; Fasting. The Ramones I Wanna Be Debated I Wanna Be Sedated 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism, Absolute Truth The Vapors Teaching Them to Read Turning Japanese 1980 Eternal Life: The Party Evangelism, Missions. Album The Village People R.C.I.A. Y.M.C.A. 1978 A Time To Laugh Catholic Conversion Tommy Tutone Nahum Zephaniah Jenny (867-5309) 1981 Eternal Life: The Party Bible Malachi Album Van Halen Pentecost Panama 1984 Unrecorded Charismata, Pentecost, Holy Spirit. Wham!/George Michael Careless Blunder Careless Whisper 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Confession 81

Date Order Date Parody Title Original Title Artist Parody Album Themes 1952 Ecumenical Unforgettable Nat King Cole Eternal Life: The Party Ecumenism Album 1957 Rudolph Parody Rudolph the Red Nosed Burl Ives/Gene Autry Unrecorded Christian unity. Reindeer 1965 I Got You Saved I Got You Babe Sonny & Cher A Time To Laugh Personal Relationships, Pride 1966 Holy Thursday Monday Monday The Mamas and the Papas I Wanna Be Debated Holy Week; Good Friday; Easter Sunday 1967 Repent Respect Aretha Franklin A Time to Laugh Repentance 1967 Suicide Hotline I Am the Walrus The Beatles I Wanna Be Debated Depression, Hope. 1968 Monastery Trip White Room Cream Eternal Life: The Party Monks Album 1968 Transubstantiation Revolution The Beatles A Time to Laugh Catholic Church 1972 Confiteor Conquistador Procol Harum Unrecorded Repentance/Liturgy 1976 Preach on the Mass Beat on the Brat Ramones Unrecorded Evangelism, Liturgy. 1977 Nicene Creed Dancing Queen ABBA I Wanna Be Debated Liturgy 1978 I Wanna Be Debated I Wanna Be Sedated The Ramones I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism, Absolute Truth 1978 Love That Someone Right Summer Nights Grease Soundtrack I Wanna Be Debated Chastity; Theology of the Body 1978 My Heart's At Mass Heart of Glass Blondie Unrecorded Daily Mass 1978 Old Time Gregorian Chant Old Time Rock 'n Roll Bob Seger A Time to Laugh Gregorian Chant 1978 R.C.I.A. Y.M.C.A. The Village People A Time To Laugh Catholic Conversion 1979 Don't Take That Crown Don't Bring Me Down E.L.O. Eternal Life: The Party Pride Album 1979 Evangelize I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor Eternal Life: The Party Personal Evangelism Album 1980 I'm Pro-Life I'm All Right Kenny Loggins Unrecorded Pro-Life 1980 Teaching Them to Read Turning Japanese The Vapors Eternal Life: The Party Evangelism, Album Missions. 1981 Nahum Zephaniah Malachi Jenny (867-5309) Tommy Tutone Eternal Life: The Party Bible Album 1981 Salad Bowl Centerfold J. Geils Band I Wanna Be Debated Obesity, Self-control. 1982 Confession! Pressure Billy Joel A Time To Laugh Confession 1982 Our Mass Our House Madness A Time to Laugh Daily Mass 1982 Should I Stand or Should I Should I Stay or Should I The Clash A Time to Laugh Liturgy, Personal Kneel Go Conversion 1982 Thérèse of Lisieux Electric Avenue Eddy Grant Eternal Life: The Party Saint, Humility. Album 1983 God Knows My Needs Come On Eileen Dexy's Midnight Runners Unrecorded Testimony 1983 Partake With My Lips and Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler Unrecorded Mass My Heart 1983 This Time of Forty Days King of Pain The Police I Wanna Be Debated Lent; Fasting. 1983 Tithe After Tithe Time After Time Cyndi Lauper A Time to Laugh Tithing 1984 Careless Blunder Careless Whisper Wham!/George Michael I Wanna Be Debated Confession 1984 Internet Bloggers Radio Ga-Ga Queen I Wanna Be Debated Mainstream media influence 1984 IXΘYΣ ("Ichthus") Footloose Kenny Loggins I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism; Church History 1984 Pentecost Panama Van Halen Unrecorded Charismata, Pentecost, Holy Spirit. 1985 Afflicted with Bugs Addicted To Love Robert Palmer Unrecorded. Moses and Pharaoh 1985 These Beads These Dreams Heart Eternal Life: The Party Marian Spirituality; Album The Rosary. 1988 Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) Proclaimers A Time to Laugh Church History; Christian Unity; Tradition 1989 We Want to Stand United We Didn't Start the Fire Billy Joel Eternal Life: The Party Church History; Album Christian Unity 1995 Knights of Columbus Ironic Alanis Morissette Unrecorded Charities 1999 Get Canonized A Saint Fly Away Lenny Kravitz Eternal Life: The Party Sainthood Album 82

2000 Melt Me Pinch Me Barenaked Ladies Eternal Life: The Party Trusting in God Album 2000 Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) Five For Fighting I Wanna Be Debated Priesthood, Current Events, Persistence 2002 The Leper Song The Zephyr Song Red Hot Chili Peppers Unrecorded St. Francis of Assisi 2003 Scripture Pictrure Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Unrecorded Bibles 2003 The Searching One Thing Finger 11 Unrecorded Personal Conversion 2003 Teasin' The Reason Hoobastank Unrecorded Friendship 2004 Steuby East Boulevard of Broken Green Day Unrecorded High School Events Dreams 2004 That's When He Told Me Somebody Told Me The Killers Unrecorded Evangelism, Parable Reinterpretation 2004 Why Can't I Be I Don't Want To Be Gavin DeGraw Unrecorded Humility; Sin 2009 I Got Me Kneeling I Gotta Feeling The Black-Eyed Peas Unrecorded Personal Devotions 2012 Call Our Lady Call Me Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen Unrecorded Marian Devotion 2013 Don't Believe Lies Blurred Lines Robin Thicke Unrecorded The World 2013 We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop Miley Cyrus Unrecorded Tabloids, Pop Culture, Role Models/Celebrities 83

Theme Order Themes Parody Title Original Title Artist Date Parody Album Absolute Truth I Wanna Be Debated I Wanna Be Sedated The Ramones 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Bible Nahum Zephaniah Jenny (867-5309) Tommy 1981 Eternal Life: The Party Malachi Tutone Album Bible Scripture Pictrure Kid Rock and 2003 Unrecorded Sheryl Crow Catholic Church Transubstantiation Revolution The Beatles 1968 A Time to Laugh Catholic Conversion R.C.I.A. Y.M.C.A. The Village 1978 A Time To Laugh People Charismata Pentecost Panama Van Halen 1984 Unrecorded Charities Knights of Columbus Ironic Alanis 1995 Unrecorded Morissette Chastity Love That Someone Summer Nights Grease 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Right Soundtrack Christian Unity Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) Proclaimers 1988 A Time to Laugh Christian Unity We Want to Stand We Didn't Start the Fire Billy Joel 1989 Eternal Life: The Party United Album Christian unity. Rudolph Parody Rudolph the Red Nosed Burl Ives/Gene 1957 Unrecorded Reindeer Autry Church History IXΘYΣ ("Ichthus") Footloose Kenny Loggins 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Church History Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) Proclaimers 1988 A Time to Laugh Church History We Want to Stand We Didn't Start the Fire Billy Joel 1989 Eternal Life: The Party United Album Confession Careless Blunder Careless Whisper Wham!/George 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Michael Confession Confession! Pressure Billy Joel 1982 A Time To Laugh Current Events Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) Five For 2000 I Wanna Be Debated Fighting Daily Mass My Heart's At Mass Heart of Glass Blondie 1978 Unrecorded Daily Mass Our Mass Our House Madness 1982 A Time to Laugh Depression Suicide Hotline I Am the Walrus The Beatles 1967 I Wanna Be Debated Easter Sunday Holy Thursday Monday Monday The Mamas 1966 I Wanna Be Debated and the Papas Ecumenism Ecumenical Unforgettable Nat King Cole 1952 Eternal Life: The Party Album Evangelism I Wanna Be Debated I Wanna Be Sedated The Ramones 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism IXΘYΣ ("Ichthus") Footloose Kenny Loggins 1984 I Wanna Be Debated Evangelism Preach on the Mass Beat on the Brat Ramones 1976 Unrecorded Evangelism Teaching Them to Read Turning Japanese The Vapors 1980 Eternal Life: The Party Album Evangelism That's When He Told Me Somebody Told Me The Killers 2004 Unrecorded Fasting This Time of Forty Days King of Pain The Police 1983 I Wanna Be Debated Friendship Teasin' The Reason Hoobastank 2003 Unrecorded Good Friday Holy Thursday Monday Monday The Mamas 1966 I Wanna Be Debated and the Papas Gregorian Chant Old Time Gregorian Old Time Rock 'n Roll Bob Seger 1978 A Time to Laugh Chant High School Events Steuby East Boulevard of Broken Green Day 2004 Unrecorded Dreams Holy Spirit Pentecost Panama Van Halen 1984 Unrecorded Holy Week Holy Thursday Monday Monday The Mamas 1966 I Wanna Be Debated and the Papas Hope Suicide Hotline I Am the Walrus The Beatles 1967 I Wanna Be Debated Humility Thérèse of Lisieux Electric Avenue Eddy Grant 1982 Eternal Life: The Party Album Humility Why Can't I Be I Don't Want To Be Gavin DeGraw 2004 Unrecorded Lent This Time of Forty Days King of Pain The Police 1983 I Wanna Be Debated Liturgy Confiteor Conquistador Procol Harum 1972 Unrecorded Liturgy Nicene Creed Dancing Queen ABBA 1977 I Wanna Be Debated Liturgy Should I Stand or Should Should I Stay or Should I The Clash 1982 A Time to Laugh I Kneel Go Liturgy. Preach on the Mass Beat on the Brat Ramones 1976 Unrecorded Mainstream media Internet Bloggers Radio Ga-Ga Queen 1984 I Wanna Be Debated influence 84

Marian Devotion Call Our Lady Call Me Maybe Carly Rae 2012 Unrecorded Jepsen Marian Spirituality These Beads These Dreams Heart 1985 Eternal Life: The Party Album Mass Partake With My Lips Total Eclipse of the Heart Bonnie Tyler 1983 Unrecorded and My Heart Missions. Teaching Them to Read Turning Japanese The Vapors 1980 Eternal Life: The Party Album Monks Monastery Trip White Room Cream 1968 Eternal Life: The Party Album Moses and Pharaoh Afflicted with Bugs Addicted To Love Robert Palmer 1985 Unrecorded. Obesity Salad Bowl Centerfold J. Geils Band 1981 I Wanna Be Debated Parable Reinterpretation That's When He Told Me Somebody Told Me The Killers 2004 Unrecorded Pentecost Pentecost Panama Van Halen 1984 Unrecorded Persistence Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) Five For 2000 I Wanna Be Debated Fighting Personal Conversion Should I Stand or Should Should I Stay or Should I The Clash 1982 A Time to Laugh I Kneel Go Personal Conversion The Searching One Thing Finger 11 2003 Unrecorded Personal Devotions I Got Me Kneeling I Gotta Feeling The Black- 2009 Unrecorded Eyed Peas Personal Evangelism Evangelize I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Album Personal Relationships I Got You Saved I Got You Babe Sonny & Cher 1965 A Time To Laugh Pop Culture We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop Miley Cyrus 2013 Unrecorded Poverty The Leper Song The Zephyr Song Red Hot Chili 2002 Unrecorded Peppers Pride Don't Take That Crown Don't Bring Me Down E.L.O. 1979 Eternal Life: The Party Album Pride I Got You Saved I Got You Babe Sonny & Cher 1965 A Time To Laugh Priesthood Priest Superman (It's Not Easy) Five For 2000 I Wanna Be Debated Fighting Pro-Life I'm Pro-Life I'm All Right Kenny Loggins 1980 Unrecorded Repentance Confiteor Conquistador Procol Harum 1972 Unrecorded Repentance Repent Respect Aretha 1967 A Time to Laugh Franklin Role Models/Celebrities We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop Miley Cyrus 2013 Unrecorded Saint Francis of Assisi The Leper Song The Zephyr Song Red Hot Chili 2002 Unrecorded Peppers Saint Thérèse of Lisieux Electric Avenue Eddy Grant 1982 Eternal Life: The Party Album Sainthood Get Canonized A Saint Fly Away Lenny Kravitz 1999 Eternal Life: The Party Album Self-control Salad Bowl Centerfold J. Geils Band 1981 I Wanna Be Debated Sin Why Can't I Be I Don't Want To Be Gavin DeGraw 2004 Unrecorded Tabloids We Want God (wo) We Can't Stop Miley Cyrus 2013 Unrecorded Testimony God Knows My Needs Come On Eileen Dexy's 1983 Unrecorded Midnight Runners The Rosary These Beads These Dreams Heart 1985 Eternal Life: The Party Album Theology of the Body Love That Someone Summer Nights Grease 1978 I Wanna Be Debated Right Soundtrack Tithing Tithe After Tithe Time After Time Cyndi Lauper 1983 A Time to Laugh Tradition Tradition (500 Years) I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) Proclaimers 1988 A Time to Laugh Trusting in God Melt Me Pinch Me Barenaked 2000 Eternal Life: The Party Ladies Album World Don't Believe Lies Blurred Lines Robin Thicke 2013 Unrecorded

85

Nick Alexander Booking

Nick Alexander is available for � keynotes � concerts � assemblies � retreats � comedy events � worship events

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