Thenerve February 2003.Pdf

2 3 4 THE NERVE HIT SQUAD

King Pin (a/k/a Editor- I n - C h i e f ) Bradley C. Damsgaard INNARDS Right Hand (a/k/a Contributing Editor) Heather Wa t s o n Lady Godiva (a/k/a Music Editor) Hell’s Belles p. 14 Just drink it up! have the best name but also Fagoaga had the Sarah Rowland best line of the month when he asked our door F a t h e rG a ry (a/k/a Visual A rts Editor) Jason A i n s w o r t h girl: “Wasn’t I getting hit by a bus the last time Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) - Lazy Cowgirls opened up for the Gung-Hos Gung- Hos p. 9 I saw you?” Bjorn Olson at The Pic Jan.11 (which is a strange reversal of Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content E d i t o r ) Jason We r t m a n fortunes for the seasoned cowpunkers from - No doubt many of you scenesters read about LA). Anyway, the house was packed and lead The Getaway Driver(a/k/a Pro d u c t i o n Sack Blabbath p. 11 the scene in other local rags… so you’ve prob- M a n a g e r ) Pierre Lortie singer, Pat Todd, who could pass for Danny ably come across the “Gig Guy” column in the Map and Details (a/k/a A rt Dire c t o r ) DeVito’s long lost twin, gave a big shout out Saturnin Westender and reacted, like many of us here, The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) and dedicated “Lookin’Back” to Vancouver’s with disgust over the gross lack of knowledge Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Livewirepalooza p. 17 foxiest red-headed rock promoter …No, not Wise Guy (a/k/a Illustrator) and accuracy. ITIS AFARCE! We have yet to Mike O Steve Chase of Fireball Productions. We can’t guess how they figure such an idiotic move will The Enforc e r (a/k/a Copy Editor) say whom because the promoter in question Leather Tw a t s o n do anything besides destroy their cred, but wishes to remain anonymous. Suit yourself, COLUMNS nonetheless, there they plod. Hey Conner, The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Wr i t e r s ) keeping in mind that not only are you going to Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike O, Jeff something you wanna let us in on? O l i v e r, Elizabeth Nolan, addict, Casey Bourque, miss out on your 15 minutes of fame but you’re Sinister Sam, Leather Twatson, Adler Floyd, going to turn this town upside down trying to Aaronoid, Dmidtrui Otis, Angela Fama, Billy Tex and Dex p. 26 - Gerry-Jenn Wilson of JP5 launched her solo Hopeless, Dave Crusty, Vanessa Samson, Emily figure out who you are. career Dec. 23 at the Sugar Refinery with an K e n d y, Dennis Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Niki Hopelessness p. 9 Graham, Jenni Nelson unplugged set… you heard right, unplugged… Civixen p. 7 - Spitfires lead singer Jason Solyom will be not undressed. No pie shots or clapping tits-- The Cleaner(a/k/a Cover D e s i g n ) producing Spreadeagle’s first full-length EP S a t u r n i n Ridin’ Shotgun p. 21 just a girl and her guitar. Good luck on your Cover Photo: Bootsy Holler due out early May on Nerveland’s newest ven- solo endeavors and thanks for playing that A d v e r tising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) It’s Rainin’ Men p. 27 ture, Nerve Records. If Solyom is able to Carlos Leone, Brad Damsgaard Clash song at the end of your set… sorry to Skate Spot p. 21 duplicate the studio magic he used to help engi- miss it but “Gig Guy” told me all about it. The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve neer Nasty On’s post-punk master- p i e c e Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the Skate Menace p. 20 writers and artists do not necessarily reflect CitySick, then expect this album to rock you off - John Ford’s new album, Bullets for those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but with guaranteed hits like “Blood, Coke and often do. First publishing rights only are proper- Dreamers is due out Feb. 25th and contrary to ty of The Nerve Magazine cause we have no Sodomy.” …Yap, you can just call him Mutt. other bogus rock reports, Ford is nothing like desire to ìownî you. The Nerve does not accept SECTIONS responsibility for content in advertisements. T h e The Walkerband. The members of Ford are Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertise- - Don’t know what you got until it’s gone is not hard rockin’gifted musicians who have made ment or submission and accepts no responsibility only a Cinderella song but the sentiment felt by for unsolicited manuscripts, artwork or women. music their life’s work, whereas, the wacky Copyright 2003 Straight 8 p. 22 many who were at The Pic Jan. 25 for the New Walker boys sing about space bunnies. Town Animals’ last Vancouver show. I’m gong CHANGE OF A D D R E S S ! ! Live Wires p. 16 Send Everything to: to miss those new wave critters. Not to worry Off the record p. 19 - The Malcolm Young Cult is coming to gig 508 - 825 Granville St. though, some members have already found Va n c o u v e r, B.C. near you. We don’t think we need mention the V6Z 1K9 Books & Zines p. 23 homes. Bassist Steve Kicks is in The Smears, inspiration for this new super group which con- 6 0 4 . 7 3 4 . 1 6 1 1 guitarist Jeff McCloi! is working on his solo w w w. t h e n e r v e m a g a z i n e . c o m Fashion p. 13 sists of Naughty Camp pioneer “ C re e p y ” project The Clones and Alex Angel is joining Puzzles and Comics p. 24 Simon Game, old school rocker R a n d y e d i t o r @ t h e n e r v e m a g a z i n e . c o m The Dirty Needles. a d v e r t i s e @ t h e n e r v e m a g a z i n e . c o m B o w m a n, newcomer pretty boy J o n n y Swenson and Dana Robertson who most will - Speaking of Dirty Needles , those bastardly know from… well, everywhere. Don’t be punk ‘n’rollers just got signed to Longshot fooled by the name. MYCult is a band and not Music. Here’s hoping this will keep lead singer a Jonestown faction, so go check them out (but Jeff Fagoaga out of trouble. For those who just to be on the safe side, don’t drink the Kool- don’t know Fagoaga, he’s the Dr. Jekyll and Aid, kids) Mr. Hyde of Vancouver rock… shy, sweet and beautiful one minute and then a spitting, top- - This just in on The Nerve rock ‘n’roll news less, drunken maniac the next. Hey Fagoaga: wire: Bob Log III is playing at The Pic. Feb 9. You gotta keep your shirt on, especially when you’re not even playing. Don’t get me wrong; I Sarah Rowland and think you rock . I mean not only does his band B.C. Damsgaard

Of the Month

s our first ever Nerve Band slut of the his guitar and bass skills to work. month, Dan Scum was honoured, but “I’m still not gigging every day of the Ahe assures Nerve readers that he has week and that’s what I’d like to be doing,” says higher aspirations. Scum. “I like to think of myself as more of a With so many egos to keep in check, band whore because whores get paid, but that’s Scum says he handles any sticky situations that not always the case so I guess I arise among band mates with the utmost diplo - am just a slut,” says Scum. macy and “some good old fashioned talking And talk about dirty, and if that doesn’t work, then some good old this man is beating off his fashioned bitch slaps.” drumsticks and deep throating The question on everybody’s mind is mics in bands all over town and does playing in four different bands mean that he still can’t get enough. Scum Scum gets his choice of four plays in four bands, singing for times as many groupies? punk rock legends Death “ You’d think so Sentence and the Iron Maiden wouldn’t ya?” quips Scum. tribute freak show a.k.a. However, it’s a moot point Powerclown. As well, he drums for since Scum devotes all his Cum Sock and in Scum Element he’s time to one groupie right now, does double duty as a singing drummer. so hands off ladies; this Band But his insatiable appetite Slut is spoken for. won’t be satisfied that easy. He’s cur- rently looking for a funk band to put Sarah Rowland

5 6 Dreams Can Come True, Vancouver! begin this year with what will surely be “I bet sometimes he gets that not-so-fresh feeling, determined to slap some sense into this town, and to just sit there like a constipated parking atten- declared the hands-down winner in the Gayest too!” I say we let him. Furthermore, I say that we chris- dant, or do you want to hurtle through the air and IHeadline EVER contest. Why this sudden So, like so many before him, Suds is ten him “Slappy,” to forever remind him of this pretend you are flying feet-first into the wild blue rush of optimism? Well, not only did I score a hoisted on his own petard — one made of archival adorable naïve enthusiasm, (the little muffin) and yonder? Give it some thought. And by this I new job, so I’m finally making some money… but news footage of him calling for the balls of a to avoid any nasty Campbell confusion. There we mean, you, Lyndsay Poaps, Park Board I also scored a new piece, so I’m finally tasting whole phalanx of opposition members for the have them, Suds and Slappy – like some crazy Commissioner for whom I voted (and who was a some honey. It’s amazing how much better the slightest whiff of scandal. Karmically speaking, midwinter night’s dream from the mind of No Fun late-round entry to a particularly ribald game of world looks with someone’s head between your you just kn o w that ball-calling-for on that Spin the Bottle in which I participated [and thighs (and no, I’m not talking about my new job scale will get you nowhere but at which, incidentally, my aforementioned there). Eunuchville. I am not among those who piece was scored], a Spin the Bottle game But kids, I ask you, haven’t we all been think this turn of events has managed to conceived by Terminal City Wee k l y ’s incor- feeling deliciously smug since Gordo got his retrohabilitate (I just made that word up – rigible music minx, Amil Niazi)… to you, macadamias minced by the Maui five-O? To an the opposite of rehabilitate – get it?) Suds Commissioner Poaps, wielder of park and editorial columnist, that was like Christmas, New in a Dylan McKayvian fashion… and by swing set placement powers, I throw down Yea r ’s and St. Paddy’s all rolled into one (with this, of course I refer to the time-honoured my make-a-wish gauntlet. The empty tasty bar snacks). Funny how quickly the citizen- 90210 tradition of image-roughening for Heineken points at you, girlfriend. ry get on the knife-sharpening and chop-licking dramatic effect, in an effort to win audi- Besides the obvious liquor law tip when the town bully starts taking on all the ence sympathy for a ridiculously paper- loosening and the requisite funmongering characteristics of a limping gazelle with a fluores- thin character (e.g. Brandon’s booze that has been sorely lacking in this long cent orange target on its ass. After we pick the car- addiction, Dylan’s booze, drug and adren- shadow of a town, I’d like to hear from you cass clean, we can make a nice soup from the aline addictions, David Silver’s meth readers what other things you’re wishing bones! See? There IS a reason to live! addiction, Kelly’s coke addiction, Steve’s fo r , now that the gods seem to be in a play- Ever the resilient hypocrite, “Suds” gambling addiction, Donna’s painkiller ful mood. As for me, I don’t want to get Campbell promptly jetted home (at whose addiction, Val e r i e ’ s marijuana addiction, gr e e d y . I suddenly feel like I have an expense, many are asking) and made a tearful Nat/Joe E. Tat a ’ s pie addiction, etc.). I don’t buy Ci t y ’s Mike O — Suds makes the messes and embarrassment of riches (sexy 25 hours a day), apology to his family for embarrassing them. that shit from Aaron Spelling, so why should I buy Slappy sorts them out. but if truth be told, I’m still waiting for that first Su p e r . I’m sure the welfare moms who can no it from Suds? At least with Spelling you get a I have a pocketful of pennies, fan letter (I don’t really count the one from prison longer feed, clothe or house their kids because of healthy dose of cheese with your T& A. Wit h Vancouver… feel like making a few more wishes? because it wasn’t technically addressed to me). vicious government cutbacks are cool with just Suds, it would seem you just get the A. Of course I want peace and love and lots of But, you never know when that could change… sitting tight for a few more years while Suds waits Maybe this realization of our great col- or gasms for all my friends, but my first civic wish and as recent weeks have shown, sometimes you to for a similar apologetic inspiration to claw its lective dream has larger implications… maybe the would be for more swing sets at parks and pretty, just get lucky. way out of the bottomless black cess-pit where his ice is finally starting to crack and things are start- pretty view points round Van c o u v e r . I mean, heart is supposed to be. I look at Suds and I think, ing to become possible. Mayor Larry seems when you all see a pretty, pretty view, do you want pic: Heather Wat s o n

7 8 o here we are in 2003 (big fucking deal quite awhile now, but it seems to me that it’s just another year) and here we are at when the album Young and Good Looking by Casey Cougar Smy first column of 2003 (whoopde- came out that suddenly the band leaped for - fuckindoo another idiotic rant). Now I can’ t ward into becoming an unstoppable super speak for you (even though I wish I had that group/ hit machine. What happened to create top to bottom: Ed, power) so I can only guess that if you’re read - this amazing occurrence? ing this; you’re probably waiting for a bus, We got real help with the production. Eric Roche, Jono, Park, seeking some form of entertainment or bored Valentine, Brad Cook, the Greedy Bros., Nick Joe shitless! That’s why I do this column (it sure Oliveri, it was a group effort. ain’t for the money). Yah, see, I Think back for a aggression is still there but cleaner read all the free papers hoping and meaner. They seem more somehow I’ll find something minute to the focused, which is hard to believe interesting or at least entertain- mid-to-late 90s considering they’re such tramps ing to help kill the doldrums of (band sluts! Ed ), playing in bands everyday life! Now I could d u r i n g all over town. When I ask them spew fake excitement for the Vancouver’s live what they think they sound like, local scene all over this page Jono says “walruses on cocaine.” but, I think there are enough music heyday , While Joe thinks, “Like throwin’ a writers doing that and as a local when venues were hot dog down a hallway (laughs). musician I thank them all for Most bands are turning to their endeavors. But that’s not abundant, but catch - straight-up rock ‘n’ roll, the cure Doctor Billy is pre- ing a good local we still gotta lotta punk in scribing for all you bored, lone- band was often hit-or-miss. us.” Very true, because ly, dissatisfied, and jaded fur Roche has a very deep yet traders. What we need is a good Perhaps my biggest hit came strangely falsetto voice verbal fucking delivered from the first time I caught The that gives their heavy, pol- the mouth of a punk rock sailor of distant Your last release was How to Win Friends Hell Caminos, purveyors of ished rock trip a definite shores! So, ladies and gentlemen (I use both and Influence People, which was a greatest punk vibe. those terms loosely) here’s my valentines gift hits plus exclusive tracks type thing. What’s a punk/rockabilly sound that If ya go to to you… Mr. Blag Dahlia of the dwarves!!!! next for the dwarves and when are you fuck - won me over with the first w w w. t h e g u n g h o s . c o m ing coming to Vancouver? few notes. I caught every you can check out tunes Billy: First off since this is the month of We are making another album now. It should from their 8 song demo, romance let’s just say you’re cupid for a be out by this time next year. More genre subsequent show, leading including; “Least of my day… if you could stick your magic arrow warping genius from the greatest band you’ve me to discover more atten- Worries”, which is a great into anyone or thing, who/what and where never heard of. tion-worthy local song to say FUCK YOU would yah shoot? When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza by, “Shakin’, Not Sturdy”, Blag: Self inflicted masturbation is sex with pie, is that really amore? acts such as T h e a tome about makin’the someone I respect and care for very much. Yes, I’m Italian. We enjoy violence, our cocks Felchers, T h e same mistakes and “River Incidentally, what’s your little sister up to are big and we can sing. Excessives and Hi- Deep”, an Ike & Tina cover that I these days? Finally, when we last spoke in person you always got stuck in my head until I What does the mighty Blag look for in a gave me the musical advice, “We must hang Test. Alas, T h e made them gimmie a copy. mate? on to what we’ve got.” Do you have any musi - Hell Caminos came However, I have a feeling they’re Someone who isn’t my mom. cal advice for all the young lovers, such as to a premature almost gonna hafta sign Stateside to Is Blag Dahlia a romantic? myself, out here in Canada? be fully appreciated. No. That’s an old Frankie Valli song. “Let’s Hang demise, something I “I was hopin’ maybe The Nerv e What is the most romantic lyric that Blag On”— it’s got it all- heartbreak, romance, never really recov- would cough up some $ to put it Dahlia has written? sodomy. As for Canada, I don’t know what that ered from... until out…” says Eddie Big Beers. “Demonica” and “Dairy Queen” are probably has but a certain kind of bacon and some good In the mean time, T h e the two, maybe “Over You”. intentions. Don’t forget to check www.thed- 2002 and the forma- Gung-Hos are playing an impressive What music or sounds do you like to have in warves.com for all the new shit. tion of The Gung- number of gigs around town, saturat- the background to set the mood for romance? Hos! ing us with their sound before The Mills Bros., Martin Denny, Mazzy Star. So there yah have it kiddies and just for your Mike Park splits to Costa Rica Have you ever got it on with someone dressed information, my little sister is doing just fine The Gung-Hos for a few months and Eddie Big up as Snow White? If so, did either of you singing for The Rumours and I hope Blag have an impressive Beers goes on tour drumming whistle while you worked? never meets her! See yah next month for more rock/punk lineage and are for The Real McKenzies (he I’ll have to file that away under things to do on of this drivel I call hopelessness. unusual in that they are actually was born in Scotland after all my summer vacation. f ro m Vancouver (aside from and is now officially the Ok, so now we know a bit about Blag the Jono, who emigrated from biggest band tramp in T h e romantic, let’s talk about Blag the artist. The Vancouver Island). Mike Hos.) dwarves have been doing their dirty work for Roche, singer/guitarist/ bassist Until then, let’s hope from The Hell Caminos, has Roche stays outta trouble ‘cuz broken free from the shackles he claims, “These guys put this of his amp to concentrate on group together ‘cuz they felt fronting The Gung-Hos. On sorry that I wasn’t in a band.” drums is none other than ex-HC When they play their next gig, drummer Eddie Big Beers (who be sure to check it out ‘cuz was playing in The Felchers for every show is better than the a time and currently in The last. When I actually tell Excessives). Hi-Test’s guitar them that, Mike Park says, whiz Mike Park (also in The Felchers) “You say that every fucking plays bass for The Gung-Hos, allowing time, Casey” and I say, Joe (Hi-Test) and Jono (Breach, T h e “that’s ‘cuz it’s true”— to Excessives) loose to assault us with per- which he says, “Oh, I guess fectly in synch guitars ala Thin Lizzy. that’s ‘cuz we’ve actually Sharing a passion for such been practicing….” heavyweights as The Hookers, Rocket From The Crypt, New Bomb Turks and pics: Casey Cougar Tight Bros From Way Back When, The Gung-Hos have created a sound reminis- cent of the myriad of bands they’ve played in, though not entirely the same. I hate to say it but yes, it’s more MATURE. The

9 10 “I once made the mis- take of telling some- one at a show that Ozzy wasn’t my hero... I’ll never do that again.”

“Well it sure isn’t rye anymore,” says son? aspire to be the Rich Little of vocals. BOOTH: No. I once made the mistake of telling someone at a NERVE: Do you remember the first time you heard Ozzy? Sack Blabbath front man, Denton Booth, show that Ozzy wasn’t my hero, and I’ll never do that again. DENTON: I was eight and I heard their album Paranoid. The on his current favorite vice, during an NERVE: What…Ozzy’s too famous now for a little respect? songs Electric fun, and Iron Man. Those songs were WAYbetter DENTON: Well, now he’s just…a used tea bag, you know? But than Saturday morning cartoons. [Black Sabbath] and Led interview outside of the Cambie, on it’s all about his legacy… Zeppelin 4…[Black Sabbath] Was just totally groovy, and NERVE: Yeah, yeah. You know there’s a New Jersey band jumped around, with all those weird guitar riffs…I still get excit- Friday night. Apparently, the last time he called Sack Blabbath? ed about that, I’ve just learned to have better control over my partook in a little of the Canadian Club, BOOTH: Oh yeah. They emailed us hate mail. They were like wigging. ‘We were on People’s Court,’because they were having troubles NERVE: What’s playing in your car stereo right now? he woke up after a night at the Astoria with their publicist, and they were like, ‘WE are Sack Blabbath, BOOTH: The Joint Chiefs. I know, I know…I listen to my own with only the random memories of every- and we’ve toured New Jersey and New York and the Tribeca music… area…’ NERVE: Seeing as you’re in two original bands (Chiefs and one laughing at him. Or was it with him? As it is, the NERVE: Oooh, big words. Puck-Crew) were you at all reticent to sign up for this gig? current reigning King of Karaoke, at the Cobalt, has his hands BOOTH: Yeah. We emailed them back saying Geezer was at our BOOTH: No, not at all. I mean, sure I was worried I was going full with beer and the art of puking while singing (don’t even get barbeque and to fuck off. to embarrass myself… I feel sort of like I bought into blue chip him started). While his Sack Blabbath colleagues, guitarist Tony NERVE: So do you have anything to say about other Sabbath stock, signing up with this band [before the media]. At the time, McLauchlin, bassist Roger “Geezer” Smith, and drummer Colin cover bands? I saw it as a challenge. “Bill” Furness, all have ladies in their lives: Booth is a “free BOOTH: Fuckin’way to go. I don’t know. Fuck you, I’m drink- NERVE: Why? Why do you do the cover band? bird” and therefore, the life of the party. And make no mistake: ing. The sooner you get over caring the better. BOOTH: Hell yeah [It’s out of love]. It’s about just doin’it. So Sack Blabbath is a pretty good party to be a part of; their sound NERVE: What about Son of Sabbath? Are they giving you the many of my friends are in music, or publicity, or creative enter- is a calculated homage to Sabbath-through-the-years, including runs from your booze? prises. It really takes a drive to do it continually. Denton’s charming pride in his ability to sound like Ozzy, BOOTH: I haven’t heard them, but certainly I expect that NERVE: Did they put you through the ringer, during audi - Ronnie James Dio, or Ian Gillan, depending on the shots you buy they’re quite good…but the singer can’t compete with my ener - tions? him while he’s on stage. gy, which just solidifies that we rule. BOOTH: No, not really. It was sort of like being under a micro - NERVE: What makes you guys so special? scope, but they pretty much hired me on the spot, which was Nerve: Do you have a mission ? BOOTH: We play songs from the other lead singers of Sabbath, great. But I think they had a few really bad auditions. There was BOOTH: When I take the stage, I’m like the captain. I’m in like Dio and Gilman. Dio is a Hamlet. He’s got a crazy voice, this one guy who looked like the singer from Queensryche. They charge of everyone getting crazy. I don’t worry about my health: and nasty British teeth. were really excited that he’d sound like the singer from I entertain drunks and revelers. I set the bar. I have to attempt to NERVE: So, do you have to change your voice? Queensryche, but he…pretty much…sucked. drink more, swing my hair more and run around like a buffoon BOOTH: Sure, totally…I never knew how to sing so high [until NERVE: Times up! Any last words? more than everyone else. Sack Blabbath]. I started as a guitar player. But everyone we BOOTH: Mfphlumphshum …ddrink… frumplyshlump… NERVE: Yes, but have you ever snorted ants off a sidewalk? ever interviewed for singers sucked, so the next thing I knew I party… fmrrpyhsyd. BOOTH: [Laughs] No…should I try it now? was the singer. NERVE: I dare you. NERVE: How did you perfect singing high, if it’s not natural You can check out Sack Blabbath at the Astoria, on February Booth: Let me have a few more beers first… for you? 7h. Be there or be square. How hard of a decision is that? Nerve: Don’t tease. Seriously though, don’t you wish you were DENTON: In the shower. Driving. Soundgarden…Soundgarden Ozzy? had a lot to do with it. When I first started, I couldn’t stand Dio. Emily Kendy BOOTH: No. Now, though, I’ve received a good schooling, and he’s just got a NERVE: You don’t fantasize that you’re actually his bastard crazy voice. Fans are always happy to hear his songs…I think I pic: courtesy of Sack Blabbath

11 Catch The Game @ 340 Cambie, Vancouver 604-602-0644

12 Fashion... Nerve Style by Niki Graham

k, there are a few key fashion pieces that every rock hoe must have — Opieces that won’t just be disposable in a year or appear on anyone’s stupid “out” list. With so many sales happening around town right now, it’s a good time to grab these eight fashion essentials that guarantee you’ll take home the guitar player and not the roadie. 1. Sexy black heels are always the right shoes to shake your ass in on a Saturday night. John Fluevog on Granville Street has mastered the art of decadent footwear. Nothing tops the feeling of Fluevog leather wrapped around your toes. I suggest the sharply pointed, black slip-on pumps called “Broadway,” which are on sale right now for a measly $89. 2. Never, ever (or at least rarely) should one buy a new leather jacket, because the world is full of amazing second-hand coats that fit nice and snug… just like extra large condoms on my boyfriend! True Value Vintage (located at 710 Robson) always carries an abundance of gor- geous vintage coats that range in price from $30 - $150. o f 3. There’s something so fun about undies with decals. It doesn’t matter that nobody (or, for some of us, everybody) will know that you have a picture of a prehistoric woman holding two tigers resting near your own precious kitty. It’s just fun, that’s all. Find them for $21.95, at Cheap Thrills, another Granville Street shop. 4. For the year ahead, every girl deserves at least one kinda expensive, sexy dress. It should be a reliable item that is guaranteed to blow away even the headliners. One of my favorite stores, The Block (located at 350 West Cordova) is owned by two foxy ladies and has an impressive selection of dresses. I like the sassy burgundy number from Betsey Johnson, ‘cause it has a modern burlesque feel and is on sale for $219. 5. Hats are more heroic than Spiderman when it comes to helping a girl through rough hair days. The best bets for spring are Erin Te m p l e t o n ’s reconstructed vintage leather hats, which are a cross between jockey caps and 1960s Pucci stewardess hats. They can be found for $125 at Eugene Choo (3683 Main Street). New World Design on Cordova) makes black, red and white 6. On the right girl with plaid armbands that sell for $18. They fit snugly and add a pinch the right haircut, the studded belt of flavour to any dish. is still the toughest rock and roll 8. And yes, the neck should always be adorned, accessory around. The Rock whether it be with a rhinestone choker or beautiful flowers or a Shop, a Vancouver institution that pair of lips. Both New World Design and The Block have some has endured for 30 years, carries a gorgeous gems. ton of colours (all for $32.95) but Lastly, the most important item of all is the sleazy who cares when they come in bub- sleepwear you slip out of before you cuddle up to the gorgeous ble gum pink? guitar player who is passed out in your bed! 7. Heidi Schmidt (owner pics: Niki Graham

13 pic: rob Astle

by Sarah Rowland

ribute bands have come a long way. There cracked wide open. Portland got in on the action was a time when ripping off respected indie- with the Miss U’s, a Stones cover band and Live Trock acts like The Pixies and Guided by Wire, honouring those dirty bastards from L.A., Voices was considered a rock n’roll sacrilege, and Motley Crue. cover bands paying homage to metal monsters were “I wasn’t really keeping track of that,” strictly kept within the confines of suburban bar admits Johari. “Our focus wasn’t necessarily to ride circuits — not so anymore. In the last year, the trib- some cover band wave. We were just doing it ute band scene has shattered the traditionally because it was a great idea. Ultimately, cover bands accepted norms of ABBAimitators at the Vogue have always existed. You can’t get on a cruise ship and Nearly Neil at wedding receptions. without seeing some cover band.” Leading the pack in this new phenome- Well, The Belles don’t have to worry non is AC/DC tributes. Almost every corner of the playing along side Kathie Lee Gifford on a developed world has a version of Australia’s great- Carnival Cruise any time soon. In fact, they are in est export, from Chile’s Ballbreaker to Scotland’s such high demand that Connor (who replaced Bon’s Balls. But with so many out there, how is one Stolzenbach two years ago) has relocated to Austin, to know which AC/DC band has the biggest balls of Texas and gets flown in to shows. Proving her tal- top to bottom: Om, them all? ent as a by-Young-ualist, Connor started out play- Lisa, Adrian Well, that’s actually a trick question, ing the part of Malcolm. But when Stolzenbach left because one of the hottest AC/DC bands right now to pursue other projects (including auditioning for is Seattle’s Hell’s Belles, an all-female salute to Wes Borland’s spot in Limp Bizkit,) Connor those about to rock. Selling out clubs up and down stepped up to fill in her private schoolboy uniform. the coast, the ladies have been winning over anti- “I basically copy everything he does, tribute music puritans one fan at a time and, in except for these little tiny sections of a solo where some cases, converting non-AC/DC fans — if such I just kind of make it up, because I can’t copy it,” a thing exists. says Connor about playing the role of Angus. “It’s “I never though I’d be flown around to too crazy to copy. They’re just such small sections places to play and get my picture in magazines for that people don’t notice them, so they think I’m being somebody else,” says lead guitarist Adrian playing the exact thing when I’m not really.Well, I Connor, from a friend’s house in Portland. “I kind of am and I’m kind of not.” always thought that it would be for playing my own For Lisa Brisbois, who took over music. It’s cool, you know. It’s better than noth- Malcolm’s rhythm section, duplicating AC/DC’s ing.” well-crafted noise pollution presented the same Unlike the rest of her band-mates, kind of challenges. It didn’t take her long to figure Connor wasn’t born a diehard AC/DC fan. Over out how complex AC/DC’s seemingly effortless time she has developed an appreciation for the power-chord songs truly are. thunderstruck sound of the Young brothers. “I wish that I could have a quarter as Whereas, her predecessor (and Hell’s Belles co- much talent as he has,” she says of her idol. “After founder), Amy Stolzenbach always had a bond with breaking down the songs and trying to learn them, the blues guitar hellions from down under. I realized he is not by any means doing anything “I think it makes guys horny, I’m in the front and they’re grabbing at me. AC/DC is just like so pic: Rob Astle horny and hard and fun. I mean it makes me pic: Bootsy horny. I feel wild.” Adrian Conner Holler “It reminded her of when she was little,” easy. He’s very difficult to emulate and it’s made says lead singer Om Johari about Stolzenbach. me appreciate him even more. But I’ve always “She’s from Ohio and her parents are really reli- thought that he was one of the most underrated gui- gious. I mean, her dad’s a pastor, and when she tar players, not just a rhythm guitar player but as a brought Highway to Hell home, her mother would- guitar player in general.” n’t let it her keep it — so she had to take it back.” Unfortunately for Brisbois, she came on Fast forward to 2000, and the problem board after The Belles had met the real AC/DC. child from the Buckeye State grew up to be a rip- Johari remembers what it was like two years ago pin’guitarist in her own right, playing in various backstage at the Tacoma show when she, Seattle bands. Stolzenbach approached Johari, a Stolzenbach and bassist Mandy Reed came face-to- face with their mirror images. kick-ass take-no-shit singer, who was also very “For me it was totally surreal,” recalls busy with other bands, about starting a side project Johari. “It was really cool, because we were all together. When the two met for coffee to discuss standing in front of our perspective member. It was possible ideas, she asked Johari what her favorite like ‘I’m you and I’m you’, and Malcolm was like, bands were growing up. Johari didn’t know it then, ‘Well, you guys are much cuter than we are.’” but she was being tested. There was only one right Not only are the girls cuter, but it’s no answer. secret that the giants of hard rock are actually runts. “At the time, I thought she was just try- “When I hugged him [Malcolm], he was ing to gage what kind of music and what kind of so small and he had on these little-boy Wranglers rock I was into,” says Johari on the phone from her on,” coos Johari in a voice women reserve for talk- Seattle home. “Now that I think about it, she sort of ing to their cats. “He’s got these tiny little hands. had a little glint and I thought it was just that I was He’s like a horse jockey. He’s like, so small, you on the right track. Then she was like, ‘what would just want to cuddle him and make him suckle your you think if we started an all female AC/DC cover titty.” band?’” Speaking of titties, The Belles admit that So much for their “little side project.” the novelty of chicks that Shoot to Thrill on stage is Even before their first show, there was a buzz in a wet dream for some guys. But for Conner making Seattle and it wasn‘t from the coffee. Their timing suburban middle-aged inbreds cream their jeans is couldn’t have been better, either. Shortly after they all in a day’s work. started playing around town, the tribute band scene “I think it makes guys horny,” says

14 The Ramores Born and raised in the backstreets of Whalley, the Ramores formed from the ashes of local punk bands The McCrackins , Blue Collared Bullets and The Bitchin’Cowpunk Massacre. Comprised of Joey (who not only sounds enough like him but bares an uncanny resemblance to a young Joey Ramone), Ricky on guitar, Robbie on bass and Billy (the Kid and the Lost Boys) behind the drums, last names all ‘Ramore’, of course. Their shtick, besides having all 172 Ramones songs in their repetoire, seems to be Joey falling off tables, bleeding and breaking things - Conner. “I’m in the front and they’re grabbing with original music. And besides, Johari says songs and I just really wanted to get to the at me. AC/DC is just like so horny and hard and not many people have the balls to judge them front just for that song. And it was like good times - as anyone who’s seen their annual fun. I mean it makes me horny. I feel wild. The for playing cover songs. guys were giving the elbows left and Halloween gig at the Pic will know. “We do the music just pounds and I just want to go nuts and “They know better. If you’ve ever right. And I was like, ‘this is fucked up. If Ramones circa 1978 - the alcoholic crackhead era - that’s kind of my job, so I’m glad it makes me seen a show, you would never step to any of us I’m ever in a band, I’m going to make we bring that spirit back, not this cleaned up Ramones do that.” with criticism. You’d probably keep it to your - sure all the ladies get to the front.’” of the 90’s… and we could kick the crap out of those While “Shook Me All Night Long” self. This ain‘t no Sleater-Kinney, now.” Alas, both ladies and gents will Sedated guys,” quoth Joey Ramore when asked what guitar solos might get Connor aroused on stage, You probably shouldn’t try to pit her have to wait another month until they can he had to say for himself. it’s rare that The Belles will actually indulge in band against other all-girls AC/DC bands see Johari and her bitches rock a fan fucking. However, there was an incident in either. Vancouver stage, because they’re trying Cowboy TexAss Denver last summer, when they couldn’t resist On the topic of the alleged rivalry to crack the East Coast market and break the temptation to exploit two groupies, in true between The Belles and two other all-female in their new drummer, Janet Trares. They rock star fashion. The Belles took the two star - AC/DC tribute bands in California, Johari are also making a conscious effort to fuckers back to their hotel room and made the declares, “Fuck that! Let’s like mix match the strike a balance between their original lovesick chumps prove their loyalty by pranc- bands and let’s just have a big old party. People music projects and Hell’s Belles, to avoid ing around wearing nothing but Hell’s Belles g- seem to not be able to exist without negativity tribute band burnout. strings. The Belles then proceeded to ignore in their life. So when it’s like females, it’s like For the meantime, they are still their be-thonged devotees, and instead carried how can we get this like mud-wrestling thing having a blast paying homage to one of on with their nightly routine, taking off their out of the girls. You got George Bush and all the greatest guitar rock bands of all time. Powerclown make-up and crawling into bed, making no those other motherfuckers to do that shit. We’re “ We’re all stoked,” Johari enthuses. room for their guests. In the morning, the poor the little people. We’re the ones who need to “We’re living off of our music... actually, Early Iron Maiden classics played by scary, drunken defeated admirers were gone. plant the seeds of positivity.” we’re living off of AC/DC’s music, and clowns from East Van… er, New Jersey. Featuring “It was the weirdest thing,“ adds S h e ’s not as intimidating as she the great thing is, they don‘t mind!” Dixi Di’Anno (Dan from Scum Element, Death Lisa. “Granted, we treated them the same way sounds, but she does have one rule when she Sarah Rowland Sentence, etc.) on vocals and backed by a band of foul that women have gotten treated over the years. plays: men have to make room for ladies who (At press time, the date for the next mouthed, yet incredibly talented bad ass clowns We just wanted to see how far that we could go want to come up front. She’ll even stop a show Vancouver Hell’s Belles show was still answering to Sketchy the Clown, Pisstank, David Lee with it. But nobody was interested in sleeping and direct guys who are blocking a girl’s view unconfirmed, but it’s lookin’like some - Wrathchild, Calvin Klown and Clive Burrito. with these guys.” to step back. time late March. Ed.) Enough said? Fuggedaboudit. As far as any stigma still attached to “We won’t play the song until they playing cover songs for a living, The Belles fucking move,” she says. “I just remember Cowboy TexAss haven’t encountered any flack from other musi- going to see Jane’s Addiction one time. cians who are struggling to make their living ‘Summertime Rolls’is like one of my favorite

15 Ants Invasi o n & New Town Animals

@ The Pic it all up for the music” but gave no Jan. 25, 2003 indication of their sound. So natural- ly, I wanted to go check them out but It’s great to see a tribute band who couldn’t make it to their headlining goes all out to make their act and show @303 Live the prior evening. costumes look the part they’re play- The confusion started for me here. ing, and Ants Invasion do just that Firstly, there were 4 dudes on stage and more. Fully decked out in their & I believed them to be a quintet NewWave pirate warrior outfits, they including keyboards. Then they had the tapered vinyl pants, loose fit- started up & were rather cute but I ting blouses, skull belts, war paint, couldn’t really figure them out. I’m Pic: Cowboy Texass etc. These guys apparently spent all for diversity within a group or thousands of American dollars to songs even, but they were all over the either band, I think it’s The Royal’s made him very likable and entertain- G a l l o w ’s End are from make their ‘antwear’ look authentic place & I couldn’t focus. About 3 usual Friday scene and all I can think ing. The skull crushing guy that Victoria with a bass player originally and Seattle’s version of ‘Adam’does, songs in, the keyboardist showed up is what a waste. It was the weirdest refers to people simply as “mother- from Nanaimo. G.E. remind me a and sounds incredibly authentic as fashionably late (ex models after all) night out I’ve had in a very long, fuckers” was tame and just out to lot of bands like At The Gates, Soil well. They reproduced every aspect, further adding static. I dunno, I did- long, long time. entertain. Work and with vocals similar to Rob from fake British accents, dual drum- n’t really get it, maybe if I saw them Casey Cougar Rollins was confident and Urbanatti of Sacrifice. It was totally mers for that big, cacophonous again I would but I was scratching interesting even doing impressions high quality melodic thrash death native beat sound and even the goofy my head. and observational humour without metalish type music. I think that way Adam used to prance around the I don’t believe I’ve actual - his former contempt for humanity. they could and should have done stage back in the day, before he ly seen The Dirtmitts before but was Henry Rollins His performance was reminiscent of more upbeat and faster stuff, but still checked himself into the loony bin. curious ‘cuz I’d heard good things. a very relaxed stand-up comedian. they rocked. Tight excellent musi- They played hits, they played misses, From the first few bars I knew I was Spoke Word Henry Rollins’ spoken word per- cianship from all members apparent- they did “Goody Two Shoes” and in trouble. I could just sense they The Vogue formance refreshed an interest in ly, including Aaron Clark formerly of “Ant Music”. I danced like a drunk - weren’t gonna get any faster. They Sat, January 11th, 2003 Rollins that had been fading after he Severance and Left of Centre (here’s en asshole, it was great but I couldn’t were so fucking mellow and really began to dip so far into self-parody. the tie in with AWT). help but wonder how any of the orig- pretty sounding in that chick rock As Henry Rollins mounted the stage, As Rollins reminded the audience, it AW T headlined and did inal band members ever managed to sorta way but sooo not my bag. I he glowed with a wide smile. is only the beginning of the tour. He their usual awesome job of fast get laid, prancing around like gay went out to smoke. Nothing of the bitterness that he puts reassured us that a hundred and fif- intense angry alcoholic punk rock. pirates. I walked in through the in his diaries came across onto the teen shows from now his bitterness They mostly stuck to songs off their The night was also the outdoor & asked the girl selling Buds stage. Rollins was appreciative and will return and he will be so intro- first CD but also played a few new landmark ‘last Vancouver show ever’ out of an ice filled trough when The just a happy guy telling stories that spective that he will be able to tell us tunes including a wicked metal song. of local pop punk band New Town Royal closed ‘cuz I thought it was he thought were funny. The person what his own spit tastes like. I forgot to write down the title Animals. These boys know how to early. “Oh no, we’re open ‘til 2am. that he constructs in his writings is a Matt Whalley because I was too drunk and busy in go out in style, and played, well, like There’s a DJ… have you ever heard man tortured by life who blocks off the pit. I accidentally smacked my it was their last show. They ran of 99.3 The Fox? DJ so-and-so’s spots in his schedule to crack a joke. right hand against a table and seem to around the stage like a bunch of spinning tonight.” Oh joy. A friend The “Machine of Intensity” that may Alcoholic White have a bit of nerve damage or some- freaks on amphetamines, making of mine had met me down there & be familiar to Rollins Band fans thing because… damn this is hard to those cute little New Town Animal paid $8 to get in (I was on the list d o e s n ’t come across at all as he Trash type right now. Awesome show, faces they always make. Another thanks to The Nerve) & we couldn’t speaks. Throughout the show, especially with the mixed genre of one bites the dust... find anything else going on in the Rollins poked fun at himself admit- Gallow’s End bands, something that should happen Cowboy TexAss paper so we decided to brave it. If ting that he’s a pussy that tours to as a rule, not an exception. you think The Fox usually plays shite avoid his life. It was obvious that the Johnny Sizzle Stefan Nevatie. music, well the shite we heard was idea of his own mortality had hum- @ the Astoria th sub-par to their play list at its worst. bled Rollins and made him calmer Jan. 17 , 2003 The Dirtmitts, The shit was so rancid and I’ve and more open to humour. He spoke blocked it out. We distracted our- of the deaths of punk rock legends Johnny Sizzle, if you haven’t seen The Gung-Hos Speed to Kill selves with a very sloppy game of Joe Strummer and Dee Dee Ramone him before, actually works at the @ The Royal Hotel pool. Soon my pal went to get a like he was entertaining guests. Cobalt/Astoria. He did a solo The Lazy Cowgirls Jan. 10th,2003 drink and I gotta tell ya, I’ve been to Rollins spoke like a star struck kid acoustic set that for some weird rea- many gigs, pubs etc. alone but I actu- that is lucky enough to have an all son reminds me of Canadian teenag - The Superbees “What the hell are YOU doing at ally felt like prey. There were so access pass. While he told his stories er TVlike Degrassi High with funny @ the Pic such a mainstream rock gig,” many greasy, horny dudes and it was it became obvious that Rollins does- lyrics, wicked costumes, a slightly Sat. Jan. 11, 2003 inquired a high school chum I not safe to look anywhere-DON’T n’t cultivate celebrity for the sake of annoying voice (I think that’s done bumped into upon entering T h e MAKE EYE CONTACT! As a fair- fame but to do the things children on purpose) and really weird music Who says you need hair to rock ‘n’ Royal that fateful night. The Straight ly foxy female I’ve grown accus- dream of. Meeting his heroes that is almost ska-ish with a bit of roll? Anyone who hadn’t heard of had run a piece on Speed to Kill that tomed to a bit of staring but this hon- appeared to be the biggest thrill in his metal type riffs. This night Sizzle them might have been shocked to see piqued my curiosity because their estly made me feel unsafe, so we left. life besides performing. The inno- was wearing a fake Mohawk and singer talked about how the band I don’t think it was the fan base of cence that Rollins put on display some strange make-up. see Live Wires on p. 18 “look like Gucci models who gave 16 Holy Rock, It’s Livewirepalooza!!! isten up chumps! It’s time to this is the band’s chance to get out here and meet people in the music industry as well as step away from your TVand local media, which could have huge benefits in join 99.3 The Fox’s Indie the long run.” L Formed in 1998, Side Sixty Seven has Night in Canada for some real real- played with the likes of A.F.I., Good Riddance, ity. Yes folks, Livewirepalooza, the and Guttermouth and Colig figures with their self-described sound of a cross between 14-week intense battle of the bands, Pennywise and Iron Maiden with a dash of is back! Minor Threat and a touch of Johnny Cash’s wis- The second annual battle of the bands dom, his band will fair well in the competition. He mentions Autopussy and Substance as other contest, which began on January 29, presents bands he hopes will do well and as he hasn’t 128 bands throughout 14 weeks at Studebaker’s heard most of the other bands, he recognizes the Cabaret, The Purple Onion, The Brickyard, and probability of there being “a needle in the haystack somewhere waiting to kick ass.” 303 Live. Each band is either kept in the race It can be argued that encouraging or thrown out on their ass. Four nights a week competition among a music scene as small as four bands take the stage and two bands walk Vancouver’s is not the right thing to do, but both Colig and Angel disagree. away winners as they fight their way to become “I think it is healthy to encourage pos- the sole survivor. itive competition and I truly believe this battle On Wednesday nights at 303 Live, of the bands is one aspect of many ways to have fans can enjoy metal/heavy contenders, positive competition,” said Angel. “I understand T h u r s d a y ’s at the Purple Onion will have that the bands that don’t advance may be disap- pop/rock, Friday’s at Studebaker ’s is punk/ska, pointed, but on the flipside they paid $20 to see and Saturday at the Brickyard is rock and roll. 14 weeks of live music and have had the chance “The band slots are decided by the to play in front of key industry people.” style of music, trying to keep the same genre on Bands in the competition will be the same night whenever possible so people will judged on overall performance, vocals, crowd know what to expect,” said Kevin Angel the response, image, musicianship, and, of course, publicist for Livewirepalooza. “This venue songwriting ability. The judges include repre- arrangement is for only the first round. The sec- sentatives from 99.3 The Fox, House of Blues ond round will be different.” Concerts, and Wa r n e r, Sony, Vi rgin, and Side Sixty Seven is one of the bands Nettwerk Records. playing this years competition and bassist Sean Prizes are hefty and include: $1,000 Colig is not only looking forward to the expo- cash, an interview with Jeff O’Neil and Todd sure and amount of networking that Hancock on 99.3 The Fox, an interview and per- Livewirepalooza brings, but also in meeting all formance on Urban Rush, recording at Turtle the other bands. Angel also believes network- Studios, and 10 hours of rehearsal time at Jam ing is important. Factory. “Each band should also take this a You can check out Side Sixty Seven huge networking opportunity,” said A n g e l . at the Brickyard on March 8th. “With so many industry folks being involved, Nikki Kelly

17 cont’d from p. 16 “Crucified.” A bunch of us got to Pat’s Pub then suddenly closing it up like a S.T.R.E.E.T.S sing along on these last few songs. Sat., Dec. 21, 2002 suture, with a flourish. (“That will be a bunch of short balding men instead Awesome. all, Dr. Benton. Could you hand me of chicks with cowboy hats. A s Dissent S . T. R . E . E . T.S came on I think Frog Eyes might be the next my beer?”) I wish I went to Music garage rockers from L.A., the Lazy The Chafed next and the crowd was about as big big cult thing. No, seriously. (Frog School, if the results were like this. Cowgirls took the Pic stage and Jan.18th 2003 as it was on New Year’s Eve at the Eyes, you’re thinking. I know, same From the plebes point of view proved that looks can be deceiving. @ The Astoria Astoria. Where the hell were all reaction when I saw “Thicke” the though, good portions of the show They plowed through a kick-ass set these people earlier? S.T.R.E.E.T.S. album by the son of the Growing were pretty fucking monotonous and and were begged back for an encore Too bad I missed most of T h e are old school fast skate punk with Pains guy. Horrible.) Get past it. I the erratic drumming was irritating. even after they played one and they Chafed’s set, but what can you do. lots of obvious Iron Maiden influ- d o n ’t really know anything about It was kind of like a foreign movie weren’t even headlining. The four Apparently, it was their last show. ence (the double harmonized guitars) music, so I look for the Sign o’the that way, ninety percent of bores you piece played material from almost all The Chafed reminded me a bit of and some other stuff like old Suicidal Times. First, my grouchy roommate to sleep, and then for no reason their releases and they even managed Lupus but not as funny or (to some Tendencies— excellent musicianship likes them-- This from the man who you’re crying, or shouting out loud in to pull off a couple acoustic songs people) offensive. Musically, they all around with lots of technical tasty said he had “an okay time” at the the theater and saying in Portuguese without losing the rock crowd. were fast punk with a bit ska influ- riffs. One thing I thought was kinda Flaming Lips show. Secondly, there “Eu! Eu tambien Jhuninhia!!!!” like It seemed a tough act to ence. strange, though, was how the crowd were lots of super hot stylish outfit - a maniac, and realize that everyone follow, but Vancouver’s Gung-Hos Dissent came on next and I wasn’t typical Cobalt/Astoria regu- matching girls and their Coquihalla else is doing the same thing. blasted them away playing louder think every time I see Dissent they lars and that a lot of them looked like highway haircut boyfriends fully get- As for the Battles… well, and faster and raunchier. T h e i r sound better— tight, fast heavy extras from “That 70’s show” or ting down on the dance floor at Pats. they were super. I loved their catchy greaser guitarist, Joe , just exuded the angry hard core. Sean is a kick-ass GAP ads or something, guys and Third, take it with a grain of salt, this songs and organ playing. And really, kind of stage coolness that usually is front man who dives into the audi- girls with that cheesy messy feath- young man looks like the real deal. when it comes down to it, it’s their ep accompanied by flying panties. With ence to get the pit going. Their cur- ered hair. I don’t care what people Mr. Frogeyes himself, probably tor- that I’ll be buying at Red Cat one leg on the speaker and leaning rent lineup is probably the best look like, but apparently this is why tured in highschool endlessly, is an Records. But what do I know. This is his guitar way out into the crowd, he they’ve had in years. I couldn’t help cloning is illegal. Super intense gig, excellent singer. However, interest- my advice: Don’t drink so much, and looked good Meanwhile, front man but notice the weird guy with the and I think S.T. R . E . E . T.S. should ingly, he chooses not to sing but next time when your torn about Mike Roche, who just sweats dirty pink and blue robes go-go dancing play at the Cobalt/Astoria more instead subject his audience to a whether or not to spend your rock ‘n’ roll, let the diehards sing and pretending to know the words. often. series of yelps, howls, and wails, the Safeway grocery money on a band or along into his crotch. Oh yeah, these He should be on stage. Afterward, I Stefan Nevatie magnitude of which has not been not, spend it on the band. Things are guys are fucking great. They have the asked what his clothes were about seen since Frank Black in the early looking up in Vancouver. look, the sound and the attitude. and he said something about the days, or maybe more like Issac effects of gravity and plants punish- Brock and Modest Mouse. This isn’ t Rachel Guy Cowboy TexAss ing him for wearing normal clothes. giving his band enough credit, Dissent finished with their four Frog Eyes, The though. The band did actually seem Agnostic Front covers, including the to know what they were doing, A . F. cover of Iron Cross’s Battles meandering through abstracts and

18 80 Proof Yob new release is sure to please! You can find it at dependent on anyone but himself to make his Give’r ‘Till She Quiever! your local record store in the Adult point. Good Clean Fun lays down their command- 80proofyob.com Contemporary for Aging Punks section. ments and manage to always choose the negative Stefan Nevatie Jenni Nelson to show how positive they really are. Nate Ashley “I don’t’need conversation, I just want to get it Daycare Swindlers Matt Whalley The Darker Corners of Your Heart on!”. You can’t get anymore fuckin’Southern Heathen Radio Grave Left Handed Label / Knw-Yr-Own than that. It’s been a while since a well made, no Go Kart Records. Back from the grave bullshit, whiskey soaked, rock & roll album hit the Centurymedia.com Nate Ashley has the voice of an angel, but not in streets outta Vancouver. It’s so fuckin’refreshing Short, bitter and to the point, their longest song that untimely deceased sadly missed only one to hear a band such as 80 Proof Yob show that we clocks in at an epic 2 minutes and 6 seconds. That Grave’s long awaited follow-up to 1996’ s Hating album released kind of way. This is his fourth can have a good time without the fuckin’snobby doesn’t say much about their music, but then again Life is here, kids, and it kicks fuckin’ass! Back album; I haven’t heard any of the others, but now attitude. This is a sweet release, reminiscent of their music doesn’t say much either. At least from the Grave for the 8th time and now more ran- I think I want to. My only objection is with the AC/DC, Nashville Pussy, and Southern Culture on they’re not singing about girls and high school…. cid, sadistic and over-all darker. Ola Lindgren and words he writes to accompany his sad sad songs. the Skids. These wife-beater wearin’truckers or are they? I can’t make out the words. I’m so his team really bring the heavy themes to reality. Nate’s voice is so pretty that he could sing about pound away on their guitars and put smiles on tired of that fucking polka beat, ah man this is shit. Grave is one of those bands that just keeps pro- taking a shit and it would sound romantic, so the kids’faces. Get this record! It’s bringing me right back to grade 8 when every- vidin’. Fuck you Disturbed, you fuckin’wankers. sentimental nature of some of his lyrics is a bit Adler Floyd one I hung out with had a band that sounded like Adler Floyd redundant. But hey, it’s pop. Atomic 7 this. Oh grade 8… I’d forgotten all about you. Hammerfall Jenni Nelson …Gowns by Edith Head Wes Regan Crimson Thunder NeckBeerd Mint Records Death From Above Nuclear Blast Records S/T Heads Up Independent Hailing out of Hogtown, Atomic 7’s surf-esque Ache Records If The Scorpions and Europe fucked in the 80’s, induced cuts are pure icing on the cake. Compared their offspring would be Sweden’s HammerFall. NeckBeerd hail from the far north of B.C., Fort remotely to The Ventures or even The Shadows Ache’s one-sheet for Heads Up, the six-song Flattery or a reason for abortion? I’ll bring the Nelson and play wicked grindcore/ powervio- and with the style of a Sergio Leone film, Atomic debut from Toronto two-piece Death From Above, rusty coat hanger and let you play hook! This is lence/math rock music similar to such bands as 7’s brand of “sand in your fuckin’face” lounge draws influences from another drum and bass duo, the kind of music that gives erections to all the Dillinger Escape Plan, Spazz, Benumb, crossed anthems are perfect for all. Listening to them The White Stripes. Aside from the setup, howev- guys who wore Poison t-shirts in college and with early Neurosis and other prog. punk stuff- brings back the groovy feel of life and sense of er, this is the only thing the two bands have in always wanted to fuck their girlfriends in the ass, imagine The First Day playing grind. time, when it was aight to just chillax and drink common, which works in favour for Death From but couldn’t really understand why. Heavy Metal The only drawback of this cd is that martinis at Trader Vics. Above. I doubt Detroit’s press darlings could ever is one thing, but Heavy on the gay is another, and it’s all one track, apparently it was out of necessi - Adler Floyd come up with a record this pummeling, with what’s with the butchered version of “Detroit ty to have a disc ready for touring. At least all the V/A vocalist/drummer Sebastien Grainger throttling Rock City?” Final say, HammerFall is the equiva- titles are listed with the minutes. N.B. are fast, Billy: Volume One out straightforward drum beats while tossing out a lent of spunking into your ex one last time, and tight, technical with out sacrificing catchiness. Hepcat Records distinctive croon over the distorted melodies pro- then not having the courtesy of grabbing a towel. This is an intense and tasty disc and blows a lot of vided by bassist Jesse Keeler. The raw aggression Can you relate? other so called hardcore bands out of the water. Bad title, cheesy tattoo art, but a really good com- on tracks “Dead Womb” and “Losing Friends” Adler Floyd Contact: [email protected] pilation from Hepcat Records (as a promo for their gives off a punk edge that doesn’t need to resusci- INDK Stefan Nevatie new rockabilly internet distribution) covering just tate the blues a la White Stripes, but let their Kill Whitey! Sick Of It All about every nook and cranny of the Stevie Wonder influence run wild with the heavi- Go Kart Records Live in A Dive rockabilly/psychobilly world, from thee watered ly Vocoded funk finale of “If We Don’t Make It Fat Wreck Chords down psychobilly of Reverend Horton Heat (who We’ll Fake It”. Clocking in at just under 14 min- Made up of former members of Choking Victim actually has a fairly decent track) to the old school utes, this record leaves listeners with their heads and Leftover Crack, INDK is a punk band with a Twenty three tracks of live SOIA. Once upon a honky tonk of Wayne “the Train” Hancock, as up and their ears perked, awaiting Death From twang of motherfucking social commentary and a time I loved this band up to and including the clas- well as a new track from lightening speed psy- Above’s next assault. twist of ska. These guys won’t win a shitty MTV sic Blood, Sweat and No Tears album. Too bad chobilly danes Nekromantix. Kinda like a ‘rock- Greg Adams award anytime soon, but they sure as hell can they had to throw in some pop punk elements and abilly for dummies’, this disc has it all, it even has ee punk shit up for kids everywhere. Reminiscent of rapcore into what was once a kick ass hardcore a song by SheDevil Records bosslady, Josie for 100 we try harder Operation Ivy and Bouncing Souls, INDK should band rivaling the likes of Agnostic Front. But Kreuzer, classic country/rockabilly queen. 21 Asian Man Records be a contender in the stomping circuits. My pick this album manages to be a fairly good retrospec - tracks to make you want a hotrod of your own. of the month. tive of the band’s career, the good and bad mixed Cowboy TexAss When I saw the record label Asia Man records, I Adler Floyd together. The packaging of this disc is pretty Biohazard thought maybe some Asian guys were going to try Joey Ramone cool, it has a comic book about post apocalyptic Uncivilization to show that they can rock more than just turnta- Christmas Spirit...In My House freedom fighters called “The Chosen Few.” This Sanctuary Records bles. EE are less confrontational than I hoped but Sanctuary disc also has a movie, but my computer didn’t still make a valid point. Each track is heavy on have the right program to play it. The best track About the only thing I like about this album is the instrumentation taking a long time to begin and Joey Ramone’s last recordings are as true to his is the classic “Injustice System”. It’s hard to go title. The title track is also about the only song I end. The softness of the music and sheer length of sound as his first. He is paired with one of his wrong with lyrics like “There’s got to be a better can even get into. Biohazard are good musicians the songs challenge your attention span. most obvious influences, Ronnie Spector of the way to fight for our rights, and to have our say, to with excellent production on the album, but the EE’s music is far less interesting than Ronettes, on “Christmas, Baby Please Come chose for ourselves, and not be lead around blind - whole rapcore metal thing is just not for me. how they present themselves. Through their lyrics Home”. She backs his vocals just like the best of ly on a short leash.” I just wish classic hard core Give me just about any other kind of metal or and album sleeve they are unapologetically Asian. original candy-pop that the Ramones would later bands wouldn’t weaken with age and become hardcore or punk, but this.... well, I’d rather hear They reference Beijing and Pho without pandering deconstruct. The three first tracks stay on the mediocre, but I have to say this isn’t as bad as the wimpiest and worst Motley Crue album. I find to stereotypes. They are just Asian Americans theme of Christmas with the final two relating to some bands, every other song kicks ass. the overall attitude of this genre is really what without white washing their image or falling into J o e y ’s declining health. After hearing the Stefan Nevatie. bugs me the most, the whole tough guy thing over a category of immigrant rock. They aren’t like Ramones cover a variety of songs, “What a top of generic riffs. Sure there’s a lot of guest those greaser Japanese rockabilly bands that come Wonderful World” is an interesting choice that Sixty Stories appearances by people such as Roger Miret of to Vancouver to act cute so we can all laugh at Joey is able to make his own. The track is a sad Anthem Red Agnostic Front, but it doesn’t make this any bet- them. Unfortunately, the music doesn’t lend any farewell from one of music’s innovators. All of the Smallman Records ter. Biohazard once claimed to be the fathers of weight to the statement, but it is nice to see that television commercial hokey-ness that has been the whole rapcore/metal scene, but that’s not they are challenging the idea of what indie rock is. come to be associated with the song is stripped Sixty Stories’drummer used to be in Painted Thin. something I’d be proud of… in other words, we Indie rock has a status quo just like any other style away and the dark happiness of the song is able to They also have connections with T h e have these guys to blame for garbage like Korn of music so it is interesting to see a band that does- come to the forefront. Weakerthans, and last year they went on tour with and Papa Roach. If you like this genre of music, n’t fit into the norm and not be ashamed of it. Matt Whalley Atom and His Package. Shouldn’t these individ- by all means, buy this album as it is excellent for Matt Whalley Joint Chiefs ual circumstances add up to something that would this genre, but it’s not my cup of tea. Good Clean Fun High & Mighty sound less shitty than this album? Well, maybe Stefan Nevatie Postively Positive 1997-2002 Green Metal Music. shitty is too strong of a word. Boring is more like Brothers Of Conquest Equal Vision it. Dull. All those other synonyms for totally All the Colours of Darkness I’ve waited a long time for this CD from those uninteresting. When listening to Jo Snyder sing, Go-Kart Records Good Clean Fun will remind you of Sunday Metal bros that everyone probably already knows you want to beg her to clear her throat or try a dif- school. They tell you what you should do then from the Cobalt. Musically, you can expect some ferent key or maybe just quit singing altogether. Danzig meets 70’s era Judas Priest and AntiSeen. claim they are being positive. The album is full of old school thrash metal reminiscent of Anthrax, The songs on Anthem Red are formulaic and total- I like the metal and rock aspects of this disc, but chanting about being positive while people’s old Metallica, Slayer with a bit of Nuclear Assault. ly interchangeable from one to the next. The that southern rock twangy Danzig vocal thing is choices in life are being put down and told they Vocally, J.C. reminds me a bit of “Chaos A.D.” era name Sixty Stories sucks too. Fuck, I’d really like just a bit annoying. “Kill for Rock and Roll” is are entirely wrong. If the stories told on this album Sepultura. I really should emphasize that any to say something remotely positive, seeing as by far the best track musically and lyrically, fol- were sandwiched between a weak creation myth comparison to Metallica is strictly old school, Sixty Stories are from Winnipeg and it is really lowed by “Curse of the Witch” and “Monster and a few revelations it looks like Good Clean Fun especially after seeing the lyrics to “Thrash cold there. I mean, their eleven months of winter Creator”. Generally, the faster more upbeat stuff were taking a stab at writing the bible. Each song Kings” about how Metallica sold out (fuckin have just begun and the last thing they need is rocks and the slower tracks are a bit too cheesy for addresses a fictitious “you” that is in one way or right!) I also really appreciate the fact that J.C. another reason to reach for the bottle, but dudes: me, but not one I would rush out to buy. If they another harming themselves or others with their took the time and trouble to print out these lyrics, consider a new profession. I hear there is a short - lost a little of the southern rock Danzig like stuff I actions. It’s tiring to here this constant enunciation they’re pretty insightful in a sociopolitical sort of age of baristas out there…. would like it better. But, overall, a pretty kick ass of some person who doesn’t follow the same rules way. As far as production on this disc, everything Jenni Nelson album. the band supposedly does all of this under the is crisp and clear, although I would have turned Sparta Stefan Nevatie. guise of a positive attitude. The band doesn’t talk the mid-tone way down on the guitar. The best Wiretap Scars Dan Potthast about how they live their lives without needing track would have to be “What You Want Is Not DreamWorks Records Sweets and Meats something to compare themselves to. The music For Sale”. Wicked thrash album,or EP, I guess, Asian Man Records depends on this outside force and is bound by it. seeing as there are only five songs. I like how The afro’d fellows from At The Drive-In. I’m just When H.R. from Bad Brains talks about keeping they throw in the emergency rolling paper, but going to be lazy and compare this band to ATDI. Do you like appropriated reggae beats and enthu - his P.M.A. (Positive Mental Attitude), he is acting right now I wish it was an actual joint. Contact The band’s lyrics are still in keeping siastically strummed acoustic guitars? If so, this alone and talking about his own life. He is not www.thejointchiefs.ca with the obscure rant-style of writing, evident in

19 I’ve heard Phil Anselmo in. This is a little better core in the vein of bands like Deaththreat, Totalitar than Pantera, slightly better riffs and drumming. A I’m gonna have to be a bastard and just be brutally and a host of bands coming out of Western Europe bit of grind, thrash and EyeHateGod type stuff. honest about this cd: It’s boring. Dull, yet distort - and Japan. Lyrically, it would be safe to say Toxic This album still has some qualities reminiscent of ed power chord and keyboard rock with occasion- Narcotic have just a tiny little negative view on life Pantera that I hate, especially that shitty chop and al ‘alternative rock’clean guitar plinkering inter- and society. “We’re all Doomed”, “We’re Not the track hop groove metal that we can all blame Pantera for. ludes and over processed, emotionless, repetitive, Happy ‘til You’re Not Happy”, “Pave the Planet” titled: “Ecodyne Harmonic (demix)”. But they As anyone can guess, most of the songs are about soft spoken vocals. The band seem to almost grow and “5 Billion People Must Die” are just a couple seem more sad than ATDI, more subtly angry. I pot. One thing I should commend Anselmo for is a spine for the last track on the disc, but its all titles. Pariah’s or Messiah’s, not too sure, but I do don’t know, but that just makes me sort of angry mentioning (in the thanks) the late great Chuck ruined with a much too long breakdown and the know this release will kick ya in the head! too, and turned on. No, seriously, it just brings out Shuldiner from Death (R.I.P.) and Paul Bailoff totally out of place death metal guy who screams Andy Gronberg those instincts. Especially when the tunes go mel- from Exodus (R.I.P) which all metal heads know the word ‘now’a couple of times during the last Two Man Advantage low, and soft, and comfortable. It’s sexy music, in died in December 2001. I really tried to like this chorus. At least it’s all radio friendly. Don’t Label Us an understated way. Where At The Drive-In is sexy album, but found I could only appreciate a few Cowboy TexAss Go-Kart Records in a full-frontal way, Sparta is more about the songs and few riffs here and there. tigermountain something something. This is intellectual high More thrash or grind would vastly analog heads gone french Fast hardcore, reminding me of early Jughead’s school music. Okay, fine, college. improve this band, and if they got rid of vocals that Lucky Cat Records Revenge. Don’t Label Us is okay but nothing that What’s really fucking wicked is they are in any way reminiscent of Pantera, that would special. The big plus on this release is: HOCKEY. recorded in Vancouver initially, as a warm up for also be an improvement. Contact www.superjoin- These guys play rock. And not the kind that is Motherfucker, you mention hockey in a song and the final project. Well, maybe it’s not FUCKING tritual.com preceded by a qualifier, like indie or moustache or you’re one of my fave bands. Make hockey your wicked. Maybe it’s just sort of neat. Stefan Nevatie post, just rock. They sound like Richard Butler main focus and I’m a fan! Come on, you puck- Emily Kendy The Blow (minus the accent but maintaining the swagger) heads, you have a TWO MAN ADVANTAGE… Speed To Kill Bonus Album fronting late seventies Rolling Stones. score for fucks sake! He shoots, he scores (Hmm, I s/t K Records Jenni Nelson figure the goalie is drunk)! Independent Dropdead/Totalitar Andy Gronberg “These songs have a playground feel; some are s/t split CD EP Uberzone Good shit! This 6 song cd (well, 5 and a remix) made-up for entertaining oneself while leaning Prank Records The Digital Mix opens with a choppy, bouncy guitar similar to the against the chain link at the far edge of the field, Moonshine intro of that Strokes song that everyone went stu- others are singing games where the notes get Totalitar have become one of my all time favourite pid over last year, but with much more talented and woven between a pair of singers or a roomful. bands in recent years. From Sweden, Totalitar play I heard a Mongoloid kid tapping the keys of a melodic vocals. The songs are well written, with These odds and ends are like the collection of arti - blistering Euro-Hardcore, -which some call ‘D- Yamaha home organ that made heavier music. Like pop sensibilities, good guitar with even a couple of facts that you find in the bottom of your purse, Beat’nowadays, and they do it well. Sure, their the vast glut of techno, Uberzone’s Digital Mix is country riffs. These guys have truly progressed items that are small and necessary and reminiscent Swedish hardcore and punk influences such as as disposable as plastic cutlery. The sample and the from (some of their) days in Saddlesores. Speed to of something important…” This came from the Anti-Cimex and Mob 47 are obvious, but good beats aren’t funny or interesting. If a DJ recorded Kill rock hard but these songs are polished enough press release and how could I put it any better? I bands glean their influences. They don’t exploit half an hour of dialogue from the Christian that this will get radio play for sure, if not already . like this EPand I’m not even an Emily Carr grad- them. Now thanks to being a big Totalitar fan, I Network, they’d have two records worth of solid Cowboy TexAss uate. just had to listen to the other band on this split CD samples to work with. Uberzone keeps to samples SuperJoint Ritual Jenni Nelson called Dropdead. Apparently these guys have been of scientists talking in stern voices that play-up an Use Once and Destroy The Dirtmitts around forever, and I’m glad I just made their image of a dark techno laboratory where important 2002 Sanctuary Records Get On acquaintance! Here we go with more fast “D- discoveries are made, but they don’t use samples to Sonic Unyon Beat” style hardcore from Rhode Island, USA. brighten up the music or give them character, I’ve never liked Pantera, or any of the other stuff Socially charged lyrics from both. What more they’re just used to re-enforce a standard image of Cute, singsongy little girl vocals over poppy, could you want!? techno music. The album cover should have had a slightly distorted guitar. Remember Veruca Salt? Andy Gronberg photo of two gay fellows with samba whistles in Not that much eh? Yeah, I really wanted to like this Toxic Narcotic their mouths and glow sticks in each hand. The disc but it’s just way too boring. There’s one We’re all Doomed liner notes could have been written in German and slightly more ballsy song that one of the guys in the Go-Kart Records there would be shout outs to other DJ’s like DJ De band sings on, but by the 8th track it was too late Sade in Helsinki or Master Jean-Paul in and there was no turning back from giving this cd What the fuck happened to this band!? I picked up Reykjavick. Uberzone goes half-way in construct - a ‘limp’on the cock-o-meter. Sorry girls, couldn’t their first 7” in 1989 and thought they sucked. ing an image that, with a few sharp refinements, get it up for you. They had that horrible distorted vocal thing going. would make this album techno gold. Cowboy TexAss I’ve never been able to stand bands that put the Matt Whalley The Liars singer’s voice through a freaking distortion pedal! Take a Seat I’ve ignored them since. Nowadays, To x i c Independent Narcotic play excellent speedy D-Beat style hard-

and upheaval in your life. One life is over and of the ramp I thought he would fly off, back- your next begins. Sounded like mid-life crisis, side nollie heel flip caught, - not flopped. under the cover of new age mystique to me, but I busted myself shortly into the ses- anyway…. sion so I nursed some beer and played with my There were a lot of people there that new toy. I brought a small laser pointer to the I hadn’t seen since last summer’s bowl series. ramp as some juvenile form of fun. No one else There were a couple of men’s magazines float- seemed to enjoy me shining this laser peace ing around the table. I started discussing the sign on everything and some people got pissed Maxim Magazine layout of Christina Aguilera o ff. One person threatened my life, so I with some women. I had no problems with the stopped. tasteful pictures, especially with the gratuitous If you want to have a skate event, call crotch shots… they, on the other hand, had Andy at the Cractpipe and set something up. some specific issues.... The guys are happy to accommodate skate Char and her Dad sang some country events and in turn you are helping to support songs and there’s nothing like listening to a the biggest indoor ramp in Vancouver. Or just Johnny Cash classic such as ‘Ring of Fire’ head on down for a session, $5 drop-in fee. while skating. A song ended just as Mark’s best Open 11AM -11PM. run came to an end. Everyone launched into Chris hovers about to catch a nollie flip applause at the great coincidence. Dennis Regan Skateboarding to live music is such a privilege. drop in. I think he was It reminded me of an old booze can called determined to ride every Chris looks surprised at the SUAVE that had a mini ramp. Bands would second that he possibly play on the deck of the ramp as skaters rode the stylish birthday boy back- could. “It’s my party and pipe. side grab. I’ll ride when I want to, Char took a skate break from singing grind if I want to, slide if and her dad carried the music. She joined the I want to.” Mark was Saturn Returns session just as thing were heating up. Steve floating frontside ollies ripped around the pipe; Nose picks on the and following up with Mark had decided to celebrate his birthday at bench, backside ollie to tail revert up the exten- backside grabs on to the the Cractpipe. Put the skate back in celebrate. sion, and huge stylin’frontside grabs. Don the extension. Steggles I hadn’t seen him in awhile so I came to say Carver styled it up in cramped quarters with showed up after work happy birthday, catch up on shit, eat food and bert grinds on the extension and smooth lines. and started to work the drink brews. It was his thirtieth birthday. Mark Troy was flowin around on the pipe with ramp; Cab feeble stall on told me about this astrological theory – the speedy backside 50-50’s and ollie’s onto the the bench to 270 back in, Saturn Return. Every 29 years Saturn returns to extension. Mark the Birthday Boy, was taking followed up with some Does that can of beer look really the same place as when you were born. as many runs as he could possibly get. Even if fast five - 0 grinds that small or what? Astrologers think that it causes great changes he was completely out of breath he would still were so close to the end

20 The dodo, the wooly mam- minor concern of getting busted by dealers instead of cops, but we’ll get to that in a The Current Situation moth, the street skater.... all Skate Spot moment. So what do you do? Give up on precious, historic and endangered species? Not so far potentially great inner-city parks? Lobby for 9 years in the distant past, when not Fr i e n d s and, having a site, not make use of it? That would The general effort to overhaul the park was make the VSPC appear not to be serious about taking every SUV-driving soccer catalyzed by the formation of the Friends any action. On the other hand, what if the spot got mom knew what a krooked of Victory Square interest group. developed, and some kid went skateboarding, got grind was, before skaters Representatives from the Veterans, the of fered pot (“it’s so Hip Hop, yo”), and it was laced adjacent VCC, the DTES Residents As s ’ n , with crack? There are no easy answers to this one. appeared in every ad from Marceau-Evans and Pechet+Robb archi- Downtown police, including Inspector Dave Jones, Telus to Corn Pops to Sprite, tects, police, the City and the Parks Board have been quite open and approachable on skate- there was a time when street were meeting to plan an overall strategy for boarding issues. Despite the weird mix of skateboard- reactivating this somewhat ers negotiating with cops, there does seem to be com- skating was underground, and dangerous space, starting with the “hel- mitment by police to keeping an eye on the bench the opportunities were vast. As met” lights that you see now. Planner spot, although meetings are still ongoing. Should the the popularity of skating has Michael Gordon heard about the initiative VSPC wait until the square is drug-free for a year and mentioned it to Cory McIntyre and before giving the OK to install the benches? In a per- exploded, so has its profile, Travis Cutler, who attended FOVS meet- fect fantasy world, sure. In the real world, that might and for some time now, citi- ings to raise the idea of a skateboarding never happen, so having some positive activity in the zens groups have worked with bench. Despite initially seeing the bench square may catalyze some positive change. Th e initiative as an awareness-raising exercise, VSPC will support this initiative under the conditions professional ‘spot busters’and many meetings later the VSPC’rs were that the police actually police the park and keep it safe with City Fathers to try to curb pleased to find that people were open to the for whoever skates there. As of right now, the VS P C , (excuse the pun) the demon id e a . known as skateboarding. “It’s Ba r celona bench not safe”... “my marble ledges Acouple of diffe r e n t have unsightly markings”... bench types were discussed before we the complaints go on. the intent of lobbying for a large skatepark under the decided on a sturdier version of Legitimate or not, street skating Burrard Bridge. In 1999, the VS A evolved into the the bi-level granite-and-steel today is a much different beast, still VSPC in its current form, with a wider agenda of ones at the Sants train station in attempting to coordinate various issues relating to Barcelona, Spain. The bench possible but under constraints not skateboarding in metropolitan Van c o u v e r . Continuing was proposed to sit on a simple known in the salad days. to lobby for the long-overdue downtown park, it also concrete slab with low retaining One of the ways some skaters have been began pursuing a large publicly-supported indoor walls, nestled into the existing trying to rewrite the word on the streets is the old “if park, working toward the legalization of skateboard- park as subtly as possible- a you can’t beat ‘em”...you know the drill. For some ing on the street, and lately discussing USA Ro l l e r skate spot, not a skatepark. Th e time now, a pilot project wherein the city builds cer- Sp o r t s ’ unwelcome attempt to represent skateboard- City then commissioned land- tain ‘legal’spots for skaters within the urban core in ing regarding the Olympics. The current VSPC board, scape architect Jeff Cutler and the hopes of keeping them off other undesignated consisting of president Cory McIntyre, vice-president skatepark designer Jim Barnum areas has been under consideration. This solution has Travis Cutler, treasurer/intern architect Derek DeLand to execute the project, with its drawbacks (skating is about claiming that space as (D-Rock), and secretary Aaron Orlando, is particular- them slightly enlarging the con- your own, without worrying about piddling details ly concerned with counteracting this skatestopping of crete pad and proposing possi- like permission or bylaws - freedom, basically) but, natural street spots and promoting the creation of new ble flat bank and bollard ele- with all the tragically busted spots in a once endless spots elsewhere. ments. But here’s where it gets landscape of smooth ledges and rails, it is at least more complex: All of the VSPC’rs had skateboarded the Police, and the City seem committed to working some sort of compromise. The Vancouver SkatePark Vic t o r y Square downtown, and all of us had been by Victory Square, things out, and skate spot installation is tentatively Coalition has been lobbying to reclaim certain old Despite the fact that people have been lobbying for but none of us lived right nearby. We did not realize slated for May. street spots, and add other new ones as mini some time, the work of the VSPC only seems to have the full extent of the drug trade in the park, basically skateparks within the downtown core. Sites under popped into the collective civic consciousness since until we had already managed to procure the space. The VSPC meets on the first Wednesday of every consideration include Cooper’s Park under the the Victory Square project got tentative approval from D- R o c k ’ s photographer friend was threatened with month at the Roundhouse Community Centre. Cambie bridge, the Hot Spot at Andy Livingstone the City. At the forefront of reclaiming busted street camera damage; park programmers have been threat- Thanks to Chase BMX for hosting the VSPC website Park, Cathedral Park, and the tricky Victory Square. spots within Van c o u v e r , the site has a sketchy past. ened. Upon becoming aware of the full drug situation, on their site for some time;a new freestanding web- While it is not ideal, it is an area that the City would and not wanting to put kids in harm’s way, the VS P C site is currently under construction at The Van c o u v e r SkatePark Coalition desperately like to see revitalized, making them more asked the city to put the project on hold until they felt ww w. v s p c . c a . The VSPC was founded as the Van c o u v e r amenable to innovative ideas than they might be in a that they had agreement from city police that they -D-Rock and Miss Kim. email us at Skateboarding Association (VSA) around 1994 with less contested space. Of course, there is the not-so- would ensure skateboarders would be safe there. do w n s p a c e @ t e l u s . n e t

ittle did I know, the subject of this month’s column also saved by cutting out shifting lag time. Though produces an endeavour entitled “SHOTGUN”. Just so he is doing his best to restore it, he says that get- Leveryone is clear on this: HE COPIED ME, REALLY. ting parts are a bitch, “so if you happen to have I’m full of shit, actually – neither of us had any idea about this an old one rusting on your apartment balcony,” exciting cosmic parallel. Mr. DJ Todd Tomorrow, if you don’t Todd hopes you’ll give him a shout. already know, hosts an evening of 60’s and 70’s groovin’sexy When I asked him about the most soul Saturdays at the Milk Bar (kind of like AuBar, but for hip- exciting thing that’s happened in his car, he per people), directly above the Lotus Lounge just off Pender, in chuckled a bit and refused to give details. Can that crappy area of town. Not only has Todd been DJing around you blame him? Sadly though, he says that Vancouver for many years, hosting other events such as the instead of being a chick magnet, it’s more like a recent ska nights @ The Royal, he also drives a bitchin’car. If wino magnet. When he drives by, drunk guys it ain’t a skoo-ter, it has to be a 1966 2-Door Pontiac are forever shouting at him about the identical Parisienne. cars they had back in the day. I must say that it takes guts to drive a car as big as my With a name like Todd Tomorrow, living room, not to mention a fair bit of talent. Parallel parking you might expect him to say something philo- in Vancouver is difficult at the best of times but it is well near sophical about his ride, and sure enough, he did. rocket science in a beast like this. When a car is this pretty, “Hopefully the person driving it is way more one doesn’t mind going for a swim in the boat even if it means interesting than the car.” Amen to that. Let having to hyperextend your arm as you lean across to open the none of us define ourselves by such silly things its original state, with the factory-issue 283 Bulletproof (I passenger door. Talk about good cars to take to the drive-in.... as hunks of metal. But dagnabbit, they sure are pretty hunks wouldn’t advise testing it) V8 engine still purring. Apparently, Anyway, back to the car. of metal… because of the 2-speed powerglide transmission in this baby, he It’s deep, metallic sky blue with a matching interior, Angela Fama can go up to 80 miles per hour in first gear. Drag racers have and more stock than muscle power.Todd prefers it to remain in been known to seek out this specific tranny, loving the time

21 straight 8 THE BEST MOVIES OF 2002

25 TH HOUR (Spike Lee) with a performance of remarkable depth and oped quite a bit since the days of Roger & Me, but An incredible journey through one man’s love- longing. he ’ s still doing what he does best- playing the hate relationship with the city he lives in and the seemingly unassuming everyman navigating his things it made him do. Edward Norton delivers ROGER DODGER (Dylan Kidd) way through the tragi-comedy of modern life. another flawless performance (it helps that he’s Campbell Scott is the motherfucking ma n . surrounded by an incredible supporting cast) in AD A P T ATION. (Spike Jonze) Spike Lee’s stunning urban fable that announces IN S O M N I A (Christopher Nolan) Pretty much the ultimate writer’s movie (but Lee as a director that is nowhere near done saying In which Christopher Nolan takes everything he enjoyable by normal people too), Adaptation is what he has to say. The kind of movie that builds learned in the indie trenches and applies it to a perhaps the most insular, self-referential movie to and builds upon itself until you feel you can’t take Hollywood thriller starring Al Pacino. Thick with ever come out of Hollywood. Who knew navel anymore, when suddenly it pulls you to the brink, atmosphere and tightly paced- after re-inventing gazing could be this brilliant? and simply lets you go. The movie of the year. noir with Me m e n t o , Insomnia proves Nolan can do absolutely anything he wants. 24 HOUR PART Y PEOPLE (Michael THE RING (Gore Verbinski) and THE MOTH- Win t e r b o t t o m ) MAN PROPHECIES (Mark Pellington) ‘R XMAS (Abel Ferrara) Abreathless look at the evolution of music in When metaphysical mumbo-jumbo like Si g n s What kind of a world is it that we live in when an Manchester through the eyes of TV presenter and passes for a horror film these days, it’s good to be epic, brilliant paced and performed, heartbreaking record impresario Tony Wilson (played brilliantly reminded that Hollywood can still churn out gen- husband and wife gangster saga from one of the by Steve Coogan), a self-described “minor player uinely effective creep-fests like these. A de s e r v e d most important outlaw auteurs heads straight to in his own story”. sleeper hit, Gore Ver b i n s k i ’ s The Ring ma n a g e d video? to milk a sure-fire concept for all it was worth, DONNIE DARKO (Richard Kelly) and JACK- while continually ratcheting up the tension DO G T OWN AND Z-BOYS (Stacy Peralta) PO T (Mark and Michael Polish) through a coy use of horrific imagery. The simi- As talking head documentaries go, this is about as Tec h n i c a l l y , a pair of 2001 films, but included larly paced Mo t h m a n (from Arlington Road interesting as they get, managing to convey the here because it was pretty much fucking impossi- director Mark Pellington) managed to deliver st r a n g e r -than-fiction story of the rise of skate- ble to see either of them in this country until this tighty-wound thrills (despite the presence of boarding on the California coast, and its subse- ye a r . Both are visually inventive, emotionally Richard Gere) with the added bonus of an open- quent takeover of the entire world with an infec- wrenching character studies, Darko being a com- ing title card which simply reads “Based on true tious energy that makes absolutely anything that ing-of-age story, and Jackpot being a story about events” which made the constant uneasiness ever looked cool look totally lame in comparison. growing old. Both feature incredible lead per- throughout the film all the more potent. formances that anchor their respective films (Jake GANGS OF NEWYORK (Martin Scorsese) Gyllenhall in Donnie Darko and Jon Gries in TROUBLE EVERY DA Y(Claire Denis) Sc o r s e s e ’ s epic labour of love finally comes to the Ja c k p o t ), of characters searching for understand- The only film this year that had me literally trem- screen, and it was well worth the wait. Perhaps ing in their time-fucked worlds, and both herald bling as I emerged from the theatre, this is the first the most densely crafted movie of the year, and the arrival of a trio of visionary new directors. time Denis’wonderful imagery had seemed like it the only truly emotionally potent historical epic in Seek these films out of your local video dispensa- was actually in the service of something, in this many a year. Also, Daniel Day-Lewis rules. ry and once you recover from the emotional case a grim story about overcoming one obses- punch, shake your head at their woeful distribu- sion to keep another out of harm’s way. BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE (Michael tion. Mo o r e ) DAGON (Stuart Gordon) A.K.A., When Americans At t a c k , a brilliant (often Bjorn Olson Adelirious, old-skool thriller from Re - A n i m a t o r darkly hilarious) piece of agit-prop from Th e director Stuart Gordon. No other film left me Excited States of Am e r i c a ’ s favourite shit-disturb- with quite the giddy excitement this year of a ing fatman. Michael Moore’s persona has devel- creepy monster story well-told like Da g o n .

PANIC ROOM (David Fincher) More thrills, this time from master stylist Fincher, a man who could not make a mediocre film if he was forced to by the Russian mafia.

HE L L HOUSE (George Ratliff) The documentary of the year- a truly scary chron- icle of a Texas Baptist church and their self-styled Halloween house of horrors portraying the dan- gers of pre-martial sex, drugs and other fun things. Director George Ratliff does an incredible job of allowing the parishioners to tell their story without making them look like completely delud- ed morons, and at the same time getting in close enough to allow outsiders a glimpse into just how self-deluded they are. In a word- fascinating.

IN TA C T O (Juan Carlos Fresnadillo) One of those movies where you just sit back, watch it unfold and think, “how the hell did they come up with that?”

CQ (Roman Coppola) Jeremy Davies’most interesting performance in a year of interesting performances. Amovie that could only be made by the son of a legendary Hollywood director that manages to be complete- ly self-indulgent and utterly involving because of it.

IRREVERSIBLE (Gaspar Noe) Premiered at this year’s Vancouver International Film Festival (and likely no t coming anytime soon to a theatre near you), Gaspar Noe redefines provocative with this insanely ambitious philo- sophical treatise of the nature of man/time/birth/death etc… Packs a visceral impact in that it pretty much continually chal- lenges you to keep watching it from the first frame, becoming more and more difficult until it seems to let you down easy before becoming a personal challenge to finish.

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE (Paul Th o m a s An d e r s o n ) Aglorious mediation on love and sex through the eyes of the awkward, socially unstable, potential- ly violent nerd in us all. Adam Sandler finally gets the respect he deserves, and it’s well-earned

22 by Leather the Librarian ALL HAIL SATANIC CINEMA!! pure Satanic evil, but then this film pried me beautiful Patty Shepard, and very weird look- Mamas, Don’t Let By: Sinister Sam into a new black reality. Black is the key word ing crazy side burned stud decides to take her as when Satan himself is brought forth to mess on a trip to photograph the nearby mountain Yo u r Babies Gro w As I blow my mind away while listening to the things up and have sex, he is nothing but a ranges. Weird shit starts to creep them (and the Up to Be Copy first AN T AEUS album, certain anecdotes blackened figure – as in a dude in a spandex viewer) out as they come upon a small village come to mind. For example: blood, going to suit. One thing I like about the whole world of in the mountains that only has one(?) occupant. Editors… hell, black frozen lakes, great white sharks, rip the “aesthetic” is the fact that less is more. Th i s After the dude (“dude” is the ultimate word to tearing, blood feast, and satanic goat head cin- scene is pure evil since we have less costume describe this guy) has shot off some rolls of Nothing tastes quite like the ema. As the blackness takes over our hearts, to distract from the upside down cross goings film he develops them in his nifty portable dark and we delve into the abyss of the mind and bitter chagrin a copy editor on, and when we REALLYimagine Satan room revealing shots of women dressed in feels after a big, steaming cock, we have to sublimate ourselves, overtake wo u l d n ’ t you see him as a vision of pure dark- black in every shot. The freaky thing is that ourselves, and fuck ourselves over with culture ness? YES! Anyways, with all this antichrist they weren’t there when he took the shots glitch makes it past the quali- that presses the issues that we want to suffo c a t e shit going on, Naschy’s famous Daninsky (brrrrrr!). Thus, the story unfolds that the ty control filtration systems with. The haunted and bloody video store, werewolf character is brought back to life to rip whole small village is actually a coven of and poohs its way onto the mainly that of the Rogers old horror chapel the throats from whoever gets in his way. We women for Satan who also have a penchant for page. The only thing worse: section, or the old dusty tapes at genre stores in also get a nice history lesson in this piece as we having a brutish sex slave dirty man. Th e being that copy editor, and Van c o u v e r , has many examples of the name get to witness Naschy is all his glory adorning fucked up orchestral chorus overload sound- having said glitch occur in switched horror/Satan genre from the Euro a suit of armour. track also has to been heard to be believed. caverns and dark cloaked cliffs of the nether- the column you write, to a This film pure fuckin’evil power and depress- review of the work of one of world. We declare an unholy, unnatural war MA G D A L E N A POSSESSED BY TH E ing desolation to match! against the couch and the Pepsi as we succumb DE V I L (1974 Dir: Walter Boos) the sparkier sparks of the primitive evil that the VHS tape has to offe r . This is the undisputed king of the possessed He r e ’ s some other Satanic blood highlights to Nerveland. As sometimes we have to import the tapes and slut films even surpassing Andrea Bianchi’s round off the ring of evil: So, for those of you (like me) reeling from an unchar- the bloody transfusion over from PAL to VH S , MA L A B I M B A and Juan Bosch’s EXOR- -The bloody lake hand and atmos- acteristic sense of bafflement at the abrupt and confusing end of we can fuck that theme and eagerly wait for the CISM. The usual rape by an “invisible phere of the very slutty KYRAWITCH OF last month’s column – it wasn’t the copier fluid you were drink- world war inducing DVD releases to invade demon” sets the ball rolling as the young THE LAKE. ing, the shit was fucked up. While I can’t promise you it won’t our caverns. The blood goat has arrived, the woman begins to screw whoever whenever -The super harsh actually very dis- friends are over for an orgy of excess, the veins happen again in this magazine, I can promise you it won’t hap- (older bearded men with amazing slutty pick turbing face of the possessed hottie in the pen in my column again – not as long as there is a breath of life are tapped into the set, the VCR is primed for up lines), runs through walls naked, and shouts Naschy project EXORCISM. the visceral shredding of the ego brain blood, out obscenities that are drop dead evil with the -The maggot corpse of Helga Line left in my fine, editorial body. and we let ourselves become possessed with dubbing. The voice over that succumbs the at the end of ORGYOF THE VAMPIRES. Here, then, is how it was supposed to go… the audio visual world of Satanic Cinema. I viewer features abrupt and panic-stricken slut -The pure hell and Armageddon of Sometimes, however, I come across things I not only definitely have my favourites of the HUGE spell screams that are hard to match (they prob- the rotted flesh vampire at the end of CRYP T want to tell people about, but I get downright messianic about, to genre (that likes to prod into the world of ably pale in the original language). The ending OF THE LIVING DEAD/ZOMPIRE. the point where I fight to have them incorporated into this maga - Hollywood in which we’ll ignore) supplying is just as shocking as the fucking when the -The pure, Satanic hell of the goat zine. Case in point… the blood to paper and a list for the coven: solution is to cough up a small evil snake. Case monster screwing the chick in Michele Soavi’s cl o s e d . THE CHURCH. RubberProtozoic MotherfuckerFactory (#1 & 2) B R A I N I- - The effective sex scenes that turn AC (1962 THE WITCHMAKER (1969 Dir: Wil l i a m man into skeleton in Jess Franco’s TH E Ketchup Chip Igloo Dir: Chano Br o w n ) DEMONS. RubberPopsicle Factory (Assorted Titles 1999-2002) Ur u e t a ) I must admit that this film didn’t stand up to the - The amazing dog murder, dog By Owen Plummer T h e hype that it got from certain distributors and sound eating, and fuck fest of SATAN ’ S [email protected] almighty of reviews, but the atmosphere is unbeatable BL O O D . the Mexican (even compared to a foggy Ossorio film) with - Rosaalba Neri naked A L O Ti n I first commented on Owen Plummer’s work in the September horror genre the whole of the celluloid taking place in the the Italian DEVIL’S WEDDING NIGHT. in my mind 2001 issue of The Nerve when, ironically, I reviewed a white creepy swamp land of Louisiana. The techni- - The crabs that crawl out from Lina trash-themed ’zine called Fiercely Sad Moron Ann(e), put out by as this film cal theme aspects of the film are interesting as Ro m a y ’ s crotch on LORNATHE EXOR- stretches the hell itself as the film takes you through the CI S T . his friend Steph Lau. Owen’s contributions were mostly in the Satan horde whole ordeal of having an almighty black An d … . form of observational humour and zany stories (like one about a ideology to mass. The unsuspecting little crew of people -W e must never forget the faked white trash wedding he attended), and I am thrilled to have final- the max end up taking part in the blood rites and are satanic blood rites (involving sexy mainstay ly made contact with the mastermind behind the Rubber Popsicle with an blessed with the appearances of the most Lina Romay) that riddle the Jess Franco mas- Factory. Not only did I get a big fat envelope full of self-pub- outer space important of the circle when they puff into terpiece EXORCISM/DEMONIAC. lished zinealicious goodies (most of which sell for the bargain theme and action. There are many speeches, much fog, brain suck- price of $2), but I even got a handmade CARD, ferfucksakes. much darkness, some breasts, and a lot of danc- AL L THE HAILTHE DARK POWERS The card, like much of Owen’s artwork, features chunky little ing. When we usually have to fuck around ing for the sake of pure orgy evil. Heavy shit. TH A TMADE THESE FILMS with Satan cinema we’re usually stuck with funsters grooving under a glittering disco ball. Never have I seen vampires and fucking pentagram hangouts. WITCHES MOUNTAIN (1972 Dir: Raul Next issue – the warped world of the obsessive a finer artistic representation of a disco ball (and I am a fan of Here, in Mexican imagination land (with one Ar t i g o t ) filmmaker Jess/Jesus Franco. them, so I have looked), and I haven’t even begun to discuss of the stars the father director of the director of The Spanish have it again with this minor, Owen’s madcap renderings of DJ Spud the Ketchup Chip and the TI N TO R E R A TIGER SHARK) we have an highly looked over masterpiece of the black almighty Mr.T, shown in an intoxicating array of garments and opening shot that resembles none other than arts and the evil in the mountain landscape. situations (among the best – “Bad T Steals Good T’s Heart” – oh, the start of Bava’s BLACK SUNDAYwith a After checking the “landscape” of the very good witch trial, torture, and curse the future the pathos… the Freudian agony!). The Emily Carr grad’s work family scenes, but with an amazing twist – the (like his strip “Spoolmak”) has also been featured in Robert bad/good guy looks into space and spots the Dayton’s DrippytownComics, the Drippy Gazette and Terminal unholy comet that he will then be carried on Reel Horror Goes Down-Town City, and for more than two years Owen has been curator of until the far future when the comet will eject shows at Lucky’s Comic Shop. Owen shows regularly himself at him back to Earth! Only then will our hero galleries around town and has recently begun producing art cards have a new goat/Satan/horn/rubber breath- Reel Horror – the video/dvd store that popped up in SoMa last year and quickly (which, I assume, are as awesome as the one he sent me). It is ing/snake tongue/tentacle hand look that is just with pleasure and pride that I welcome Owen to our Nerve fami- perfect for sucking the brains out of the unsus- became a mecca for cultural freaks, before slipping away into the night – has reap- pecting relatives of anti-Satanists from the past. peared in that mini-stretch of funky Homer between Pender and Hastings (right by ly of kissin’cousins… starting this issue, his brilliant local satire “East Van T” appears as a regular strip on our new comics page, The brain suck scenes could have been graph- what used to be Virgin Mary’s and is now Minx – talk about Madonna and Whore!) ic, but the imagination is still tops as you are and his illustrations will start popping up like that strange rash trying to pry your brain off the ceiling from the But no more late night porn excursions – Gene and Jessica are leaving the XXX to you just have to show all your friends. overload of evil horde ideas, unholy imagery – the Granville Strip and tailoring their hours for sanity and safety. Finally, I just want to take a moment to give people shit. and that amazing fucking mask!! So, check them out from noon-7:00 Mon.-Sat. The new descriptor is Specifically, local publishers who want their books reviewed. “Horror Shop”, since all things scary will be available. That means books (mostly Since I whined about having no ‘zines to review, the tide has CURSE OF THE DEVIL(1973 Dir: Carlos turned and I’ve got more comics and self-published chapbooks Au r e d ) used), ‘zines, and mags – along with local Art on consignment. So if you got weird than the suburbs have Tragically Hip cover bands. I know there Anice print of this evil fuck whip recently got aesthetics, take yer creative product down to Jess for exposure. released from the clutches of the Anchor Bay are Nerveworthy local publishers out there, and I think they empire (who have been making Euro genre There will be an Opening Party - described as “a gathering of Special should send me lots of nice books (and promotional posters, collecting really easy for starters for the past people” - on Nov. 8 after regular hours, co-starring the Launch of the new issue of bookmarks and t-shirts) and invite me to their boozy book launch few years) and what an evil piece of work it is. CINEMASEWER, Robin Bougie’s excellent movie/porn ‘zine. parties. As a famous hydrocephalic outsider once I was a huge fan of Paul Naschy’s HORROR said, “I am not an animal… I am a human being!” RISES FROM THE TOMB and thought that dm otis that film couldn’t be beaten when it came to

23 Puzzle Page!! First person to solve both puzzles wins an All Skanadian Club Vol.4 CD Show your ugly face at the Nerve Office: 508-425 Granville St. Vancouver, Mon-Fri 10am-5pm by Dan Scum CROSSWORD Across 1. mundane 5. AC/DC tribute _____Belles 10. AC/DC tribute band from Nelson 14. move slowly 15. Pacific or Atlantic 16. with the mouth 17.______friendly (co-opera- tive) 18.______a friend (life line) 19. “Africa” band 20. head&shoulders,e.g. 22. 65Aband’s single 24. jug 25. one half of “Rio”band 26. made in the….(sittin’pretty) 29. luau feast item 30. stove feature 34. George Dubya’s breakfast? 37. nick_____&the bad seeds 38. Asskickin’Mohummed 39. Husqvarna, e.g. 4. Caribbean vacation destina- 46. Chinese frying pan 40. gardening implement tion 47. Desi’s wife 42. vote “for” 5. ______Pop (Seuss) 49. Old old 43. banner 6. reverberation 53. Scum 45. white clam chowder 7. zodiac sign 54. scatter about 48. flower’s leaves 8. fell by the way side 55. Cyborg collective 50. Flanders boy 9. evil face 56. A lou 51. stunted ones 10. of plants 57. lot of paper 52. Kiss tribute 11. Murder member 58. bubbly chocolate bar band______Diamond Fuck, there is nothing good out there to play! I’m so fuckin’pissed off. This is the worst 12. starfleet genius 59. Kills bugs dead 54. min. part 13. disgust with excess 60. Sicilian volcano time for vids, cuz the developers are still workin’or tweakin’the shit out of products that 55. bodybuilder’s weight 21. The Nerve’s medium 61. decry should have been already released. Actually, my major “fuck off” is the fuckin’Steam 58. adorned 23. What you get for tit 64. Strapping Young ____ 62. bread spread software delivery and content management tool. About a week ago the 1.6 Counter 25. Shithead’s out- 63. Nova Scotia Hillbilly family fit Strike beta-upgrade (two new weapons, riot shield, new level) was supposed to be name 26. kung fu stick released, normally the upgrade comes out in a form of a .exe, which is mirrored on all 65. Ten Days______27. Gwar album 66. horse colour the major gaming sites for users to grab, well not this fucking time. Like I said earlier, 28. Longitudinal 67. tuned in 29. Ultimate Valve is tryin’to implement this new Steam thing (so users buy games online directly 68. shortest distance between 2 Maiden tribute from them). The minute that Steam v2 came out, there were thousands of geeks tryin’to points band from Joisey 69. gingivitis spot dload it at once, and overloaded the one fuckin’server that was up. One fuckin’server, 31. Yucatan Indian 70. bestow 32. Happening what the fuck were they thinking? In any case, Steam is down until the patched version 71. Dutch cheese 33. Absorbs info comes out, you can still grab 1.6 from other sources and play, but since most servers are 35. beige Down still 1.5, there is no point. I hate when these companies pull this gay shit on the gamers 36. 1000lbs 1. _____ex machina 41. Heron out there. 2. skin irritation 44. ZZtop bassist Aite, next in line is the PC demo for Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell. Last 3. On the ocean Billy____ November SC was released on the XBOX and it got awesome reviews. Now it’s PC’s turn. As all you fuckers know,Tom Clancy is a rich conspiracy nut, thanks to clever licensing (movies, games) of his vivid imagination. In Splinter Cell you play the role of WORD SEARCH Sam Fisher, you guessed it, another top-secret uncle Tom that works for some hush hush Trollop Cheap Jack (Third Echelon) government agency that no one knows about except Dick Cheney. The Syringes Tramp Circus Diabetic John game looks pretty fucking good, it’s a mix between Metal Gear Sold and Tomb Raider, SPCA some really fancy shit going on, stealth shit and shit. The demo of SC is about 30 mins Timber Cover long, it takes you through a few settings, outdoors and indoors, so far the PC port looks Impersonator great and plays even better. Can’t wait for this one to come out in a few weeks. Keep Replica your eye out for next month’s column for a full review of Unreal 2. Promiscuous Suds Fraud Bozo Kangaroo Strays Karaoke Busted Young Bonbons Honour Salute Studded Copy Mimic Nearly Bunk Scarlet Harlot Cult Boomerang Elvis Quasi Abba Hell Bell Shooter

24 25 AK A ‘Can I Have A Little More Tex In the Monitor?’ Illustrations by Miss Dexter

Tex A s s : It was my goddamned mother fucking birthday so my friends all came over and gave me liquor and porn and we ate mass quantities of charred animal flesh and dressed up like business suited assholes and went to Brandi’s to have a party. De x t e r : As you can see Tex has already gotten back into the Wh i s k e y … . Tex : Alright, where was I? Yeah, goddamned bi r t h d a y . Time for Tex and Dex to get all high classed and shit. Movin’up in the world y’hear? De x : Br a n d i ’ s = high class. Tex : They have one of them dress code things there, so we had to all dress up like a bunch of assholes in suits. I wore pinstripes and a less beat up hat than usual. I looked like a fucking million dollars. In an attempt to be ‘high class’Dexter wore a dress, high heels and even covered her pink hair in a wig. De x : Attempt. Yeah right, I looked like royalty. Royalty who sniffs glue maybe…. Tex : Yeah, you did look great, but did I mention it was my birthday and I looked like a million bucks? De x : Yeah yeah, million bucks… blah blah blah. Tex : Happy Birthday to me goddamnit! (a bunch of assholes cheer) De x : I don’t know where these ‘friends’came from but about twenty drunk people wearing suits and ties ended up accompanying us to Brandi’s. Tex : We took up more than half of gyno row. De x : Do n ’ t call it that… gross…. Tex : The stage and seating are all set at the same level at Brandi’s, real low… As s h o l e 1 : It ’ s like being at a cockfight or somethin’, you’re right down in there with it! De x : You can practically SMELLthe girls. Tex: Mmm… heaven scent De x : Gr o s s . Tex : I tried to reserve seating ahead of time, cuz I thought that I was an important asshole and should have special seating on my 19th birthday extravafuckinganza but apparently I’m not that important of an asshole, just a regular asshole, and there were much more important and famouser assholes than me who got to have the saved seating. De x : You’re not 19…. Tex : 19 is an important age goddamnit! Here’s a tip for guys out there to feel like a more important asshole than you actually are: Go to a nudie bar, bring at least a half a dozen cute, young girls with you, have them buy you drinks and tell everyone at the bar it’s your goddamned birthday. De x : Yeah… free shots…spells d-r-u-n-k + me = messy. I think by this point in the evening I was already on my fifth of ten or so double gin and tonics and things were getting a little patchy with the memory. Tex: One of the girls would go to get me a drink and she’d come back with a handful of free, sickeningly sweet shots of who knows what, on the house. I got very drunk cuz it was my birthday. I also got lots of free crap from the dancers cuz it’s my birthday. I also got a free lapdance cuz it was my birthday. De x : No… that costed money…. Tex : Yeah, so this beautiful young lady took me in the back, through a maze of mirrored and reflective walls, into a padded booth where she sat me down and got incredibly naked for me. It was hot. Amber’s Pursuit De x : While he was gone I polished off a few more G and T’ s…. Tex : I wasn’t even gone that long. Y’ k n o w , the thing about lap dances is, you get a few drinks in you Directed by F.J. Lincoln and you’re all alone with this beautiful woman, she’s getting all undressed and Starring: Monica Mayhem, Gwen Summers, Dru Barrymore, Kristal Summers, Nikita Denise, Billy Glide, dancing sexy over you and you start to believe that its al l about yo u and she’s Marty Romano, Cheyne Collins, Steven St. Croix, actually madly in love with you and that after she’s done you’re all gonna go home and have passionate sex together, but really, you’re just gonna go back to the bar and get more drunk and someone else is gonna go in that backroom and When beautiful Amber (Mayhem) pulls up in front of have the same stupid drunken thoughts as you. Billy Glide’s house, he is willing to buy anything the De x : Or you were so drunk you just don’t remember them…. suspected Avon lady has to offer… however, Amber Tex : No one will ever know what happened to you back there… but really, if turns out to be a porn actor from a film being shot next you’re reading this Paris, call me, ok? De x : I do remember a dancer last night, Kalla Knight, and let’s just say she’s the door who sadistically wreaks mayhem on Glide’s life high school gymnast everyone wished they coulda gone home with…. and proves that porn stars CAN be stalkers too! When Tex : The things she did with those poles were incredible. She did stuff upside down, swung from a Glide’s girlfriend Melissa, played by Gwen Summers, chinup bar with one leg… the strength that girl must have…. who is quite a screamer when getting fucked, finds As s h o l e 2 : …she’d tear me to pieces…. Amber at Glide’s place the drama begins. It is up to Ra n d o m D r u n k G i r l : (kisses Tex on the cheek) Happy Birthday Cowboy. Asshole1: Dude, where’d all these chicks come from? Glide to put things right with his girlfriend, and try to Dex: Yeah, how did we get so many girls to hang out with you? get rid of Amber, which is no easy feat. All the girls in Tex : I dunno. Maybe I AM an important asshole. Have you noticed how this film are drop dead gorgeous with glistening pink taking girls to stripclubs makes them say dirty things? twats, especially Mayhem who shows it off nicely dur - Je n : Hey! These girls are too dry. Nobody gets excited over a dry cunt. Th e y ing sex in a limo, as well as fantastic breasts and asses. should grease up their pussies before they come out here! Asshole3: Ha w ! These women look great at every angle, but there’s a Dex: Yeah, taking you to a strip joint makes YOU do stupid things, like do very unflattering camera angle of Glide from behind baseball dives for promo. showing a rather bulbous and odd looking penis. The Tex: I dove like an asshole for a poster, and then there I was, dressed up like a million bucks in a pin- story and sex meld together nicely to advance the plot striped suit, lying on the dirty floor under a barstool, and I realized ‘I’m an ass’. I got that poster though, but misses a step with a gratuitous poolside sex scene and it was a good one. Dex: Aside from that, we were all pretty well behaved for such a large group. whose only purpose is to lengthen the film. Despite a couple minor flaws, Amber’s Pursuit is Tex : Except for Max, who tried getting a dancer to take his tip with her pussy lips and she wasn’t about not only tight filmmaking with a great selection of ladies, there is also a moral to the story: think to, and he kept pulling the bill away until she finally gave up and walked away before you fuck, and stay faithful to your partner, or else you may end up with more than you As s h o l e 3 : It was a breach of all stripper-money-giving decency. can handle, like a porn star stalker! Until next month, keep your happy places happy. De x : No decency here…. Tex: Happy Birthday to me…I am a dirty old man now. And a pervert. As s h o l e 2 : It ’ s my birthday next week… Max Crown Tex: Well, y’know what we’re doin’next week then….

26 by Jason Ainsworth

Rumpus Room: An analysis of the Filler! History and Nature of Vi s u a l Please enjoy some homosexual Star Trek fanfiction!! Humour or “Comic Jokes” as per- taining to the comic strip entitled Captain Spock stood in the steamy gym, nude. He reached “Family Circles”. for a towel, but “DING DONG”, the doorbell went. The door opened and Captain Kirk walked in, wearing a slight pair of Like a sucker I fell for a homeless briefs that his manhood was outlined in. He sat down. m a n ’s come-on when he offered me an “ Hello Spock. I’d like to talk to you AT LENGTH.” astounding deal. A limitited edition print, by “Captain Kirk, say it WITH YOUR MOUTH” one of the greatest visual minds in graphicol - “I’m starting now... oh, no!.” ogism alive today. All he wanted was ten dol - “Is that the door again?” lars and something else. But then it just turned “Yes?” out to be a page of comics ripped out of a local The door opened. Captain Robot came in, nude. Kirk said, newspaper, dreadful rag. I was so angry, I “Captain Robot, where are your clothes?. tripped him and jumped on him, bearing down “It’s been one of those days. Will you top me, Captain with all my two hundred pounds, ribs crushing Kirk.?” and cracking, I slapped him like a docker, then made a fist. I struck the homeless man. I struck Kirk’s hot huge flesh stick was ready and in it went, and then him twice, my knee in his groin, mauling his it spurt a lot of hot sperm into Captain Robot. lift hip between bone and ashvault. I took his “That was hot to watch”, said Captain Spock, erect, “ But eyes. let’s go find someone for me to bottom!” I went home after a light but filling The old crone to the left of the tableau takes on lunch at some place looked like a fucking It really was one of those days. a comfortening yet threatening dispostion. The queer bathhouse if you can believe this fucking young boy, Billy, clearly adolescent, is in open goddam city (I still can’t believe it) And like t e r r o r, probably of sex. Having sex with any dipshit short ten bucks, I read my scrap of women, the potentiality of “stickin’” it to a newspaper. I am one-hundred peercent not woman, one day, the sexual mores of twentieth lying when I say it was like stepping into a new century life... his mind is in chaos. How he world of form, of colour, of a humour made wishes to express this chaos, to walk hormon- solid. You could have knocked me over with a ally through his future, a meandering walk, bucket of come I was so magnicientated. Ten stopping only long enough to penetrate anoth- dollars? I would have paid a million for this er hole, his mental word ballooon world is creation. The Family Circles is practically like nothing more then a green, floral, archticutral- giving fresh blood to an AIDS victim. lly-parklike vagina. It is literally breath taking.

But at the end the moral appraoch wins F ... abulous C .... reative through, the smile on the boy’s face in the A ....wesome I ... mpressive world bubble indicates that the boy remains M ... arvellous R.... ight on! boylike. He has not penetrated, not today. He I.... talianate C.... lassy has done the right thing. Unblemished, he can, L.... eft-wing L.. eibenstraum at the end of his search, smile at the crone-fig- Y.....es, more,more! E... xcellent ure, and say, “ Grandmother, I have not fucked today.” No one in the Family Circles “world”, or per- As gabriel Garcia Marquwz once said, “I’d haps a better word would be a multi-charcter- love to shove my dirty cock up some lady’s initiallized geographic simulactrum, would blipper right about now”. This is the power of ever use the term AIDS victim. Becuase there great art, if only you would look. You’d see are no AIDS victims here at all! Not one of that there is greatness in much of what is con- them. . By emambling a new, almost undefin- sidered uncool, or reactionary to the march of able leap in intuitve imagination, the Auteur youth culture and rap “music”. So many bitter Bil Keane had redirectualized the Zeitgeist of tears for all the unvascullation I spat on uncool the co-conceptualized ideal of the narritive works in the days of my youth. But as Mangus through the eyes, so to speak, of an idealized Aurelius Cassiodorus said, “Actus dei savara child-symbol, an “any child”, if you will. As an quod dactus.” A few hours of research in the artistic achievement I do not engage in hyper- local so-called library (pick up joint is all it is, bole when I say that Bil Keane has, quite sim- pick up joint for dirty hookers and sluts.), I dis- ply, reengineerred the aesthetic trigonometery. covered the happy fact that there are literally Like building the pyramids using only one thousands of these Family Circles digests, cock. I want to point out that I am not joking. filled with cartoons dating back, as far as I can Family Circles, I am aware, has a reputation tell, to the Prague uprisings. Truely, a life- for pallour in the eyes of some “people”, or time’s achievement. Thanks for reading! assholes. I mean, just look at it, for God’s sake.

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