sign in sign up
<<
Home , Ed Balls, Yvette Cooper

Words by Marina O’Loughlin Photos by Juan Trujillo Andrades

ED on a PLATE

From Labour’s front bench to dancing , reviewing restaurants for The Sunday Times and reinventing himself as the documentary maker du jour, doesn’t waste time. We meet for lunch, and to blind taste Trump Winery Chardonnay, at Rotter HQ A woman stops dead in her tracks in front He’s unbothered by it all, taking this new whether he misses it, he doesn’t hesitate: this here girl can dream)– were to dangle of our lunch table outside Noble Rot on celebrity in his stride (more or less – “I “Of course.” Would he not consider going the carrot of chancellor in his direction Lamb’s Conduit Street. “Excuse me,” she hate that word,” he says.) He is terrific back, as our interloper was pleading ear- again, he might be mighty tempted. In the says to our guest, “you’re amazing. You’ve company – this is another of our trademark lier on? “I don’t think it works that way,” meantime, politics’ loss is TV’s gain. The fol- given my husband and me so much enjoy- Noble Rot interviews that runs to more than he insists. But I get the distinct sense that, lowing takes place just after the UK spring ment watching you. And,” she goes on, several glasses and over a hundred pages if Sir Keir – or maybe a little further down lockdown finished, and is edited for length “we’d vote for you again in a heartbeat.” of transcript – but he still clearly regards the line, his other half (well, and sense. Well, it was a long, long lunch. She seems quite overcome, but Ed himself as ‘un homme sérieux’. Fair enough: Balls is unfazed. “Thank you,” he says his website might now read “Broadcaster, Ed Balls, Lamb’s Conduit St, . 31 July 2020 graciously before going back to his glass writer and economist”, but his back- of La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’ Champagne ground as a heavyweight in the House as if this were an everyday occurrence. is something that seems almost mythical in these times of fireplace salesmen and Maybe it is. Since he lost his seat in 2015, Wodehousian cartoon characters. a shock result – beaten by Conservative by a tiny 0.9% margin – He’s surprisingly charming, quite twinkly. Balls has gone from having a reputation I see little evidence of the arrogance he as Labour’s rottweiler-in-chief (‘Red was accused of during his political years Ed’, ‘Bruiser Balls’) to being everyone’s and can completely understand how, favourite TV politician. During his time in in his two TV explorations of the new the House of Commons, he was a big hitter: waves of populism and nationalism, 13 years including Shadow Chancellor of he easily managed to gently lead any the Exchequer and Secretary of State for number of interviewees to hoist themselves Children, Schools and Families, completing with their own mildly rabid petards. eight budgets for the Treasury. “I had a good run,” he says, “and I learned one While mostly wearing his erudition lightly, thing really quickly in 2015 – that you he’s not afraid to flash it every now and should be proud of what you’ve done.” then, happily telling Noble Rot editor Dan Keeling how to run his brand and giving He may be a fellow at Harvard and the me a complex primer on international LSE, he may be making some of the most economics and debt. Not his fault: I’d asked thought-provoking popular political TV for it. I’d love to tell you that I absorbed programmes – his sibling series, Travels and retained everything about his detailed in Trumpland and Travels in Euroland, and comprehensive explanation – some- were genuinely eye-opening. He may thing about having infinite resources have been the chairman of City and collateral in us, the workers – but Football Club and climbed Kilimanjaro for I’d be lying, obviously. Sometimes his charity. But the thing everyone remembers didacticism is comical: carefully explaining him for is his remarkable performance to us what a granita is. And after talking of Gangnam Style on Strictly. (Jaws powerfully about how politicians should dropped with a unanimous clang the be prepared to listen and understand, not length of the country, mine included.) be divisive and dismissive, Dan is moved He’s a polymath, a renaissance man, a to observe that this was spoken like a true gripping speaker – but the image of him leader. To which Balls smiles: “I know”. ponying dance partner is etched forever on the nation’s retinas. It Over and over during our meeting, he reminds me of that joke that ends with the gives the impression that politics will al- punchline, ‘But you shag one sheep…’. ways be his first love. When I press him on

30 Noble Rot Marina O’Loughlin: Isn’t it great that you “We were supposed don’t have to kiss or hug people when you to be talking about meet them for the first time any more? strategy but all we Ed Balls: I think probably deep in myself could do was focus I was a hugger and it was beaten out of on me by social engineering. But then I went on Strictly and ever since I’ve hugged picking the pasta out everybody. I never hugged my dad before of the lasagne, it and suddenly I started. He was a bit taken putting it to one side aback. But then he got into it as well. and eating the rest” Dan Keeling: Do you know that Noble Rot is renovating the Gay Hussar [famous Hungarian restaurant in Soho that was a favourite hangout of Labour politicians] at the moment?

EB: I’ve been there many, many times – my Balls deep in La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’ 30th birthday with my office, when I EB: God, that’s a good question. was working for . wasn’t, I don’t remember him being particularly foodie. Ed Miliband wasn’t foodie at all. He MOL: There were rumours that the was really thin, so I don’t know why he did we had lasagne and Burgundy. I wasn’t at all EB: I think economically, that’s probably whole place was wired for spying? this, but he went on a low-carb diet when he well in the night and have never been able to how things are going to turn out. Politically was leader of the opposition because he was drink it since. Or eat shop-bought lasagne. anyway. Culinary-wise there’s nothing EB: If you were going to bug some- trying to get match fit. There was this shadow I’ve tried quite a lot of times to like proper worse than Government Brussels’ dinners. where, you’d bug the Gay Hussar. cabinet dinner, about eight of us around the good red Burgundy and failed – I just find that It was so often veal, always creamy, rich table in his office, and there’d obviously been sometimes there’s a very thin, steely taste. North European dishes. The vegetables were DK: Was Gordon Brown a regular? miscommunication because they served always messed up. I never enjoyed them. lasagne. We were supposed to be talking [Our first wine, La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’, a EB: Yeah, definitely, but it was a bit too foreign about strategy but all we could do was focus on delicate, single vineyard rosé Pinot Meunier MOL: It never occurred to me until I saw for Gordon. Gordon wasn’t a man of great Ed picking the pasta out of the lasagne, putting Champagne made by Jérôme Prévost arrives] that clip how interesting the whole semiotics food habits. Even now, years on, I could it to one side and eating the rest – kind of of political dinners are, how the menus order for him at pretty much any restaurant. scraping it off. I said to Yvette afterwards, “Do MOL: Are you an Islington Remoaner? have to do something that’s going to be He liked well-done steak. He liked spaghetti you know what happened?” and she said, “I universal to everybody. Even Gordon. bolognese, he liked a lamb bhuna. And he could only look at the lasagne being scraped.” EB: We live in , so it’s liked a lemon chicken. One of my roles in Hackney not Islington. And I voted remain. But EB: Actually Gordon didn’t mind creamy the very early days with Gordon, before DK: Are you more of a drinker of wine I’m not culturally in Islington at the moment. sauces. But you can’t have drippy sauces Sarah, was to go on holiday with him, to the than beer or spirits? That was the referendum, that was the vote, because you’ve got your papers. The role of Algarve or southern France. I’d go down for and we’ve got to make the best of it. meals in decision-making is really important. four or five days and play tennis with him. But EB: Much more wine. I like beer, but I kind of Just before the start of the euro, a discussion one time we’d gone to this restaurant, and feel as though it’s bad for me weight-wise. MOL: I saw this fantastic clip of you before had to be made about who was to be the first my French wasn’t great, and we’d gone for With wine I’m quite traditional – I like left bank the vote where the interviewer asked, head of the European Central Bank – the the set menu, which featured oysters. I had Bordeaux, especially when I very rarely get to “What do you think will happen?” and French candidate, who the Germans didn’t to eat all of mine and then his because he drink Haut-Brion, and white Burgundy. I can’t you said, “I think everybody will pretend want, or the Dutch candidate, who the French was a bit embarrassed to turn them down. stand Sauvignon Blanc but I quite like really that no deal is going to happen, but they’ll really didn’t want. We were the presidency. rich buttery Californian whites. I got put off sit down over a nice veal dinner and So Tony Blair was the chair, Gordon was in the DK: Out of all the politicians you’ve worked red Burgundy when I was 17, on a school trip. basically everything will just go on the way UK seat for this lunch, and basically this huge with, who was the biggest food lover? There was dinner for the rugby players and it always has.” Do you still think that? kind of crisis row blew up. We desperately

32 Noble Rot 33 Noble Rot needed an agreement. Lunch starts at 1pm with about being a gooseberry. Gordon looks at 12 and my mum booked this place near until I went to restaurants. But though my mum the coffee about 2.30pm, when everything’s the menu and turns to me and says, “What’s where we lived for Sunday lunch. The starter was really good at certain things, I don’t supposed to be decided. It was a catastrophe polenta?” So, he orders and we know it’s a was prawn cocktail, or a bowl of grapefruit think until I went to a restaurant that I’d had because it wasn’t. So the coffee part of the fake order. And I stay for the starter and then with a doily underneath – really exotic. And a steak that tasted like… steak. Even now meal lasted until 10.30 at night. Tony Blair said, “I’m going to have to go,” and Gordon then different choices of roast: it was one of it’s hard to cook a good steak at home. You had to keep the conversation going for eight kind of looks at me like I’m betraying him… those restaurants where they brought you know Balthazar in Covent Garden? They do hours. The Belgian prime minister, Jean-Luc massive terrines of cauliflower and broccoli. a good one: it’s about getting your grill hot. Dehaene, started to get into quite a lot of MOL: “Don’t leave me with this polenta.” It was in : the reason I remember trouble by 7 or 8pm because he needs to eat is because we didn’t go to restaurants. My MOL: I have a slight fetish for fusty old quite regularly. Our diplomacy was going EB: Yeah, and Tony looks at me like, mum and dad thought it was hugely profligate restaurant dishes but had a horrible beef out to the Germans saying, “You’ve got to sort “Thank God you’re going, because we to pay somebody else to cook for them. stroganoff in Balthazar. I think [Balthazar this out, because if you don’t, we haven’t got can get on.” It was quite embarrassing. owner] Keith McNally was so fêted in a president for the European Central Bank Then Gordon turned up at ten at night at MOL: Did that change when NYC that he was astonished to come over and Jean-Luc Dehaene might collapse.” Millbank and we had steak and chips. So you came to London? here and be savaged by critics. I don’t think he ate that much in Granita. MOL: And obviously there’s the EB: It changed when I went to university, EB: I think London restaurants assume famous meal with Tony and Gordon MOL: I’ve been dying to ask about your Oxford then Harvard. People would just go they should be small and exclusive and in Granita. Were you involved? stint as The Sunday Times restaurant critic. and have dinner in a restaurant, because it foodie and there’s a sort of snobbishness was the cheap and easy thing to do. Before about scale – like Conran. But, actually, EB: I was, but I didn’t stay for the meal. So Gor- EB: Oh my gosh. I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t that for me it had always been a special doing scale well is admirable. don isn’t hugely enthusiastic about it anyway my idea, they asked me whether I would do occasion. We all went on a cruise together because this is the meal that is deciding that he some politics for them. I said I really didn’t want once, nine courses every meal. My family MOL: I think there’s real truth in that. I think is going to pull out of the leadership election to do politics because I was still not long out would try to work their way through all of there is that snobbery and I’m as guilty of for Tony. There’s loads of internal talk about of it. But I’m happy to do something artsy, I’d it and then go down again for the midnight it as anybody when it comes to anything what happened at this meal: some say Tony love to do food and, of course, they had this buffet. They’d paid for it, part of the package. that has a whiff of the chain. We get very told Gordon he would stand down at some interregnum [after AA Gill died] and they said, My mum and dad, they’ve grown up in the sniffy about the idea that if you’re going to future point for Gordon. Whether that was said “We don’t feel able to choose, there’s nobody war with rationing, and that generation never just open a carbon copy of your original or not, I’m not sure, but the announcement the who we can get who is sufficiently distinguished went out to eat. And if they did, always ate Balthazar, that ain’t gonna impress us much. next day is that they’ve decided that it was to to take on this mantle, but in the meantime, everything. They never knew when the next be a partnership and Gordon was to have this we’re thinking of having two or three people meal was going to come along. So for them, [At this point two unidentified, control over the whole of economic policy. doing reviews from time to time, would you?” that buffet was a terrible burden. Other than decanted white wines arrive] It was a deal to work together. But anyway, I said, “Well fine, if that’s what you want.” with chips, I don’t think I’d ever eaten fish they’ve chosen Granita on Upper Street, a Right: Rotters’ very Tony restaurant, very shorts or chinos. MOL: On the rare occasions I meet people who blind-taste challenge Gordon wore suit trousers and a turtle neck find out what I do, they always say, “Oh, I could blue jumper, even in the south of France, to go do that, I’d like your job”. Did you find it easy? out for meals. Other than on the tennis court, he didn’t really concede to fashion or weather. EB: I found the descriptions of the food There used to be a restaurant back then in the quite hard. What I really liked most atrium of Four Millbank, the big media centre. was telling the story of the trip. So we agreed that we were going to meet there after, actually arranged with the restaurant MOL: I really enjoyed them. It came across that to stay open so Gordon knows he’s coming you’re really into food and restaurants. Have back to have steak and chips at 10pm after you always been like that? Even as a kid? Granita. So we go into Granita, Tony’s already at the table, and I say, “I should be going.” EB: My parents were of a certain generation, Gordon says, “No, come in, sit down.” So so I can remember the first time we ever went it ended up with the three of us – I mean talk into a restaurant in the late ‘70s. I was about

34 Noble Rot DK: I hope you don’t mind doing a bit of a blind worse it got. He’s such a funny guy. The first for had voted over 60% , and so, my start- other thing that people said all the time about tasting with these two Chardonnays? Please can thing I did on Travels in Trumpland was go to ing point politically was, if you don’t listen, you Trump was, “Look, I know he says things about you taste both and pick one for us to drink next? Mar-a-Lago for this lunch with eight fervently don’t understand. Of course, there are people women I don’t agree with. Sometimes he’s a Trump-supporting, beautifully made-up older who voted for Trump who are racist or Nean- bit wild. But he’s not in it for the money like all EB: [Tasting the wines] I’ll be totally honest. I women. Because he’d only just been elected, derthal, and there are some people who voted the rest of them. He’s already rich, he can be really like a buttery Chardonnay, but it can’t I was asking them about the things he said for Brexit who are racist or little Englanders. for us, because he’s not out for himself.” And be too over the top and oaky. I really like the about women and they were in this ‘boys But actually, what most people are saying is: you realise the degree of cynicism involved. first wine. I started off liking the second one but will be boys’ mindset. But what was really this is not working for us, we want something then I didn’t like the finish… it’s sort of cloying. interesting was they said, before he owned different. I wanted viewers to listen to the MOL: What I really want you to ask when the club, it was really hard to join, unless you contributors and ask, “do I agree with them?”. you go back is, if they’re still going to vote for MOL: I’m getting fake maple syrup. were proper old-money gentry. And now they I think most people were really surprised so Trump – “Why the hell would you do that?” Chemical. Like a Glade PlugIn. said if you were black, Jewish, as long as you many of those Trump voters were nice people could pay, you were in. They all thought he’d who could easily be your friend, or sister, or EB: That’s what we’ve got to go for. If one EB: Exactly. I’d choose the first one any democratised Mar-a-Lago. I met lots of people brother, but felt they hadn’t been listened to. half of politics writes off the other half day. You want wine to make you feel during the programme, who had voted Obama as being beyond the pale, there’s no better as you drink. The second one gets in 2008 and then voted Trump in 2016. They’ve MOL: I wonder if they still feel like that? meeting of minds. And they all perceived even worse. It doesn’t taste like it was grown voted for the outsider and had Obama done Hillary as arrogant. The emails: “How a couple of miles south of Beaune. enough? So they voted for the new outsider. EB: Part of the reason we’re doing Return to dare you ask me those questions!” And Trump’s attitude was that he wasn’t going Trumpland is that we want to go back and see DK: Well, the second one doesn’t bare any to discriminate. But it’s so fucking tacky. how attitudes have changed. I think Covid DK: How do you think the election will pan out? relation to Burgundy, but it certainly has a changed it a lot as well, because lots of those weird taste. So I’m very glad you picked the MOL: I was watching with my daughter people who were voting for Trump were fearful EB: You’d be a fool to think he’ll definitely first, 2013 Pierre-Yves Colin-Morey Meursault who was just back from New York and she of what was happening around them and they lose. I have a positive and a negative thing ‘Les Narvaux’, rather than the second, 2017 was yelling at the screen, “Don’t let them get thought he would protect them. Suddenly, he’s to say; the positive thing is that so far Trump Trump Winery Chardonnay from Virginia… away with that!” But you weren’t there to being hit by a scared older vote. When he has failed to have a big change agenda and, confront, you were there to hear the story… could say, “I know you’re worried about these even if elected for another four years, I think EB: [Very surprised] How?! Wow. Well I people marauding up from the south, but I’ll he will find it hard to really reshape America. did say I thought the longer it went on, the EB: It was partly because the place I was the MP build a wall,” that got him loads of votes. The America will end up divided and weaker but

The big reveal: Ed Balls is relieved to dodge 2017 Trump Winery Chardonnay in our blind tasting Left: Beauty and the beast MOL: But do you think people don’t see “The frustrating thing for you as Bruiser Ed anymore? Red Ed? me is that since 2015 the biggest thing people say EB: I was simultaneously Red Ed and the Light Tory Sellout. So you’ll always end up being is, ‘God, you’ve changed.’ the other side’s caricature. And when the And I think, ‘I don’t think caricatures totally conflict it’s a bit of a problem. I have actually. I think I’m The frustrating thing for me is that since 2015 the biggest thing people say is, “God, you’ve the same as I always was’” changed.” And I think, “I don’t think I have actually. I think I’m the same as I always was.”

MOL: But you did Gangnam Style so now everybody loves you.

EB: Being on TV – it’s actually very personal, spending time in people’s living rooms. I’ll have people in the street who say, “Hi”, and keep going and I know as they walk past they’re thinking: How do I know him? Was I at work with him? Was I at school with him? unprofessionally, about the recent row I had I don’t think he can actually reshape it. That’s Americans sat down and tried to think: Sometimes they’ll say, “Do I know you?” with my kids because I had the temerity to not very positive but it’s the positive thing. The what can we write that will make us robust in And I’ll say, “I think you do but maybe for suggest that some of the Labour Party in-fighting negative thing is that historically the world has the face of populist dictators? So I believe a different reason from what you expect.” going on just now was divisive and unhelpful. been more able to deal with problems when Trump will fail, but the collateral damage And it’s actually a really nice thing. America is part of the leadership. If you think to the world is very big. It’s bad for all EB: Did you tell them to watch Life of Brian? The of 1942, or, the economic problems in the ‘70s of us when you have an ineffective MOL: I think should you wish to parlay falling out between the People’s Front of Judea or in the ‘80s. When America joins in, that nor- America and the deepening tension that into going back into politics and the Judean People’s Front? I’m afraid the mally makes us more effective. And so, having with China is partly Trump-driven. you’d do unbelievably well. hard left has never managed to find a unity of an America that is weak, divided, unilateral, purpose ever. This isn’t the first time they’ve fall- disengaged on climate change or the World MOL: He’s not helping by constantly saying EB: Well, the truth is that, once you’ve en out – and Momentum is in a big mess now. Health Organization, or trade, picking fights “the China virus” is he? done it, it never ever goes out of you. with China, that just gets really weakening MOL: How much do you blame Ed Miliband? to the world. This is a time where you need EB: Absolute classic, in my four stages of MOL: Another phrase that I read you’d said strength. Take something like the vaccine, if populism: first, you deny; then you say, that really resonated with me was this idea EB: Well, don’t forget the reason why Ed won we find one: will we be able to produce it and we’re brilliant; then you blame the outsiders. that if you believe that all politicians are spivs was partly because he was a better politician distribute it round the world so that people can Then you change the subject. And ‘China and criminals, then in 20 years’ time, they than his brother and I think it’s maybe a quickly get back to normal? I think with Trump virus’ is stage three. But there are very many all will be spivs and criminals. When I read mistake to assume that if the other Miliband in the White House the opposite is the case. voters who will absolutely believe this. that I thought: That’s kind of where we’re at. had won it would have been very different.

MOL: Can he fix it so that he stays DK: It must have been a huge change for EB: If you allow that to become crystallised as MOL: You weren’t very nice about him in your longer than his allocated term? you when you lost your seat in parliament. the orthodox, you’ve got a massive problem. book. Would you go for a pint with him? How long did it take you to get your head Because democracies require people to be EB: No. Even Trump. I’m nervous in saying around that, and reinvent yourself? politicians and if they’re all weird or extreme, EB: I don’t think Ed’s ever been for a pint it, but I believe it. In the end, they designed I mean, then – how do we persuade anyone? with anybody. I mean, of course I’d go for a good system. We’ve never designed a system EB: I think the honest answer is, I haven’t a pint with him. I haven’t, but I might. I have of government, ours has just evolved. The succeeded yet. It’s still a work in progress. MOL: Can I tell you, third-glass-of-wine with . I would with Michael

38 Noble Rot 39 Noble Rot “Paul Hollywood, leave the European Union, and Boris Johnson on Celebrity Bake Off didn’t care whether we left the European Union, but he really wanted to be leader of said, ‘Why are you the Conservative Party. But now he’s done it, using spelt flour?’ I said does he actually want to be Prime Minister? ‘because it’s in the recipe”, He’s not very good at it, he finds it very hard. and he looked at me like, MOL: Can I come back to Gangnam Style? ‘You wanker, is that all you can say?’ I think he EB: One of the things that was really nice about doing Strictly is that it’s classless. You can be a needed me to say, ‘It blue-rinse 70-year-old in Surrey, or a Labour produces lighter crumb’” mum in Salford and you love Strictly. The BBC doesn’t have many programmes that will unite grandchildren and grandparents. They said we were doing Gangnam Style. Katya said, really excited, “it’s going to be epic”. We started to do the pony move… We had friends in on the Wednesday, just to watch us rehearse. I remember they kind of went – [makes an appalled face]. Trump had just won. Everybody was a bit gloomy. But there was this opportunity to do something that would make people smile. My biggest fear was always if I fuck it up, it’ll be Gove. We could talk about why I thought really bad. If you actually watch the YouTube his education reforms were crap. But I think video, for the first 20 seconds, I’m really he wouldn’t mind that conversation. thinking, oh God. Finally, we hit the pony, and the director’s note came through that it was MOL: But what about with Johnson? essential for Katya to turn her head to the side at that moment. As long as she turned like that, EB: Boris is the Prime Minister – he ought to be it wouldn’t be inappropriate for pre-watershed too busy working out what his strategy is to get television. The moment we did that move, I the country out of the most serious pandemic remember thinking: It’s going to be okay. crisis for 100 years, so he hasn’t got time to have a drink with me. When MOL: You’re quite game, aren’t you? I was became Prime Minister I regretted that we had amazed at how happy you were to take your lost the election and I worried about the future kit off during those Trump programmes. of the country because I disagreed with what he stood for. But in the end, it was legitimate EB: They wanted me to wear a leotard like Big because it’s a democracy. But I felt a deep sense Daddy in the episode where we met the wres- of dismay when Boris Johnson became Prime tlers. And I said, “Look, I’m really sorry, it’s a step Minister because it felt as though it wasn’t really too far. I need to wear boxers.” And they said, about competing visions of the country. It wasn’t “You can’t wear boxers, we haven’t got any.” clear what his vision of the country was even at the time of the referendum. I don’t think he’ll MOL: How much control do you have? fight another election. I think he’s done now. didn’t care who was leader EB: The style is genuine discoveries. None of it of the Conservative Party, but he wanted us to is scripted. But I can always say no. They tried to

41 Noble Rot make me have Botox in Trumpland. I’m actually Most of what I do is not broadcasting. But if on the bed with the surgeon saying, “I don’t you’ve been out of politics for five years and the want to be Botoxed.” But I knew I was going to first thing you write is ‘former shadow chancel- be tasered, but only a couple of hours before. lor’ or ‘former cabinet minister, former politician’, it sounds like a little too backward-looking. DK: How was it? And my mindset is to look forward.

EB: Incredibly painful. If I’d known, I MOL: Go back to politics! Seriously, think I might’ve said no. You know if you Labour is a bit lacking in the old charisma ever put your finger in a plug and you – all of that stuff that crosses genres. And get that shock in your finger? It was like when we see you talking onscreen, even that. Except for it was in my whole body when you don’t like somebody, you’ve and lasted for five full seconds. It was this a way of having a rapport with them. massive electric shock. But I didn’t say no. EB: But that’s what you should have if you’re MOL: The joys of celebrity… going to be in politics. Nowadays, if somebody comes up with a look in their eye, I tend to feel EB: I hate that term! But yeah, I’ve done Bake pretty relaxed because I’m expecting them to Off. And I did a ski jump on Sport Relief. be nice. When I was a politician half the time On Strictly, off camera, the judges were it would be like that, and half the time it would really relaxed and fun. But on Bake Off, off be a tirade of abuse. But once you come out, camera, they were really stiff and distant. people do see you differently. If you go back, maybe they’d just see you in the old way again. MOL: Who were your judges? MOL: If we can’t persuade you to go EB: Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry. back, could you try and make sure Yvette gets to be leader? Isn’t it time Labour MOL: Shudder. had a woman anyway? Would you like to be married to the prime minister? EB: There was no relaxation about it. So I’m making these muffins, and I’m doing it for EB: I could be the Denis Thatcher. But we’ve both charity. They only told me three days before. been around long enough to know that if you I’ve made these banana bread muffins with spend your time worrying about whether you spelt flour. Paul says, “Why are you using might get that future job, it just does your head spelt flour?” I said “because it’s in the recipe”, in. You’ve just got to celebrate what you do. and he looked at me like, “You wanker, is that all you can say?” I think he needed me to say, “It produces lighter crumb.” He looked at me like, “You know nothing about baking, why am I even talking to you?” and moved on. The disdain hung in the air.

MOL: People start believing they’re more important than the medium. But re that celebrity dislike: your website now says ‘broadcaster’ first…

EB: It says broadcaster, writer and economist.

42 Noble Rot