ED on a PLATE

Words by Marina O’Loughlin Photos by Juan Trujillo Andrades ED on a PLATE From Labour’s front bench to dancing Gangnam Style, reviewing restaurants for The Sunday Times and reinventing himself as the documentary maker du jour, Ed Balls doesn’t waste time. We meet for lunch, and to blind taste Trump Winery Chardonnay, at Rotter HQ A woman stops dead in her tracks in front He’s unbothered by it all, taking this new whether he misses it, he doesn’t hesitate: this here girl can dream)– were to dangle of our lunch table outside Noble Rot on celebrity in his stride (more or less – “I “Of course.” Would he not consider going the carrot of chancellor in his direction Lamb’s Conduit Street. “Excuse me,” she hate that word,” he says.) He is terrific back, as our interloper was pleading ear- again, he might be mighty tempted. In the says to our guest, “you’re amazing. You’ve company – this is another of our trademark lier on? “I don’t think it works that way,” meantime, politics’ loss is TV’s gain. The fol- given my husband and me so much enjoy- Noble Rot interviews that runs to more than he insists. But I get the distinct sense that, lowing takes place just after the UK spring ment watching you. And,” she goes on, several glasses and over a hundred pages if Sir Keir – or maybe a little further down lockdown finished, and is edited for length “we’d vote for you again in a heartbeat.” of transcript – but he still clearly regards the line, his other half Yvette Cooper (well, and sense. Well, it was a long, long lunch. She seems quite overcome, but Ed himself as ‘un homme sérieux’. Fair enough: Balls is unfazed. “Thank you,” he says his website might now read “Broadcaster, Ed Balls, Lamb’s Conduit St, London. 31 July 2020 graciously before going back to his glass writer and economist”, but his back- of La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’ Champagne ground as a heavyweight in the House as if this were an everyday occurrence. is something that seems almost mythical in these times of fireplace salesmen and Maybe it is. Since he lost his seat in 2015, Wodehousian cartoon characters. a shock result – beaten by Conservative Andrea Jenkyns by a tiny 0.9% margin – He’s surprisingly charming, quite twinkly. Balls has gone from having a reputation I see little evidence of the arrogance he as Labour’s rottweiler-in-chief (‘Red was accused of during his political years Ed’, ‘Bruiser Balls’) to being everyone’s and can completely understand how, favourite TV politician. During his time in in his two TV explorations of the new the House of Commons, he was a big hitter: waves of populism and nationalism, 13 years including Shadow Chancellor of he easily managed to gently lead any the Exchequer and Secretary of State for number of interviewees to hoist themselves Children, Schools and Families, completing with their own mildly rabid petards. eight budgets for the Treasury. “I had a good run,” he says, “and I learned one While mostly wearing his erudition lightly, thing really quickly in 2015 – that you he’s not afraid to flash it every now and should be proud of what you’ve done.” then, happily telling Noble Rot editor Dan Keeling how to run his brand and giving He may be a fellow at Harvard and the me a complex primer on international LSE, he may be making some of the most economics and debt. Not his fault: I’d asked thought-provoking popular political TV for it. I’d love to tell you that I absorbed programmes – his sibling series, Travels and retained everything about his detailed in Trumpland and Travels in Euroland, and comprehensive explanation – some- were genuinely eye-opening. He may thing about having infinite resources have been the chairman of Norwich City and collateral in us, the workers – but Football Club and climbed Kilimanjaro for I’d be lying, obviously. Sometimes his charity. But the thing everyone remembers didacticism is comical: carefully explaining him for is his remarkable performance to us what a granita is. And after talking of Gangnam Style on Strictly. (Jaws powerfully about how politicians should dropped with a unanimous clang the be prepared to listen and understand, not length of the country, mine included.) be divisive and dismissive, Dan is moved He’s a polymath, a renaissance man, a to observe that this was spoken like a true gripping speaker – but the image of him leader. To which Balls smiles: “I know”. ponying dance partner Katya Jones is etched forever on the nation’s retinas. It Over and over during our meeting, he reminds me of that joke that ends with the gives the impression that politics will al- punchline, ‘But you shag one sheep…’. ways be his first love. When I press him on 30 Noble Rot Marina O’Loughlin: Isn’t it great that you “We were supposed don’t have to kiss or hug people when you to be talking about meet them for the first time any more? strategy but all we Ed Balls: I think probably deep in myself could do was focus I was a hugger and it was beaten out of on Ed Miliband me by social engineering. But then I went on Strictly and ever since I’ve hugged picking the pasta out everybody. I never hugged my dad before of the lasagne, it and suddenly I started. He was a bit taken putting it to one side aback. But then he got into it as well. and eating the rest” Dan Keeling: Do you know that Noble Rot is renovating the Gay Hussar [famous Hungarian restaurant in Soho that was a favourite hangout of Labour politicians] at the moment? EB: I’ve been there many, many times – my Balls deep in La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’ 30th birthday with my office, when I EB: God, that’s a good question. Tony Blair was working for Gordon Brown. wasn’t, I don’t remember him being particularly foodie. Ed Miliband wasn’t foodie at all. He MOL: There were rumours that the was really thin, so I don’t know why he did we had lasagne and Burgundy. I wasn’t at all EB: I think economically, that’s probably whole place was wired for spying? this, but he went on a low-carb diet when he well in the night and have never been able to how things are going to turn out. Politically was leader of the opposition because he was drink it since. Or eat shop-bought lasagne. anyway. Culinary-wise there’s nothing EB: If you were going to bug some- trying to get match fit. There was this shadow I’ve tried quite a lot of times to like proper worse than Government Brussels’ dinners. where, you’d bug the Gay Hussar. cabinet dinner, about eight of us around the good red Burgundy and failed – I just find that It was so often veal, always creamy, rich table in his office, and there’d obviously been sometimes there’s a very thin, steely taste. North European dishes. The vegetables were DK: Was Gordon Brown a regular? miscommunication because they served always messed up. I never enjoyed them. lasagne. We were supposed to be talking [Our first wine, La Closerie ‘Fac-simile’, a EB: Yeah, definitely, but it was a bit too foreign about strategy but all we could do was focus on delicate, single vineyard rosé Pinot Meunier MOL: It never occurred to me until I saw for Gordon. Gordon wasn’t a man of great Ed picking the pasta out of the lasagne, putting Champagne made by Jérôme Prévost arrives] that clip how interesting the whole semiotics food habits. Even now, years on, I could it to one side and eating the rest – kind of of political dinners are, how the menus order for him at pretty much any restaurant. scraping it off. I said to Yvette afterwards, “Do MOL: Are you an Islington Remoaner? have to do something that’s going to be He liked well-done steak. He liked spaghetti you know what happened?” and she said, “I universal to everybody. Even Gordon. bolognese, he liked a lamb bhuna. And he could only look at the lasagne being scraped.” EB: We live in Stoke Newington, so it’s liked a lemon chicken. One of my roles in Hackney not Islington. And I voted remain. But EB: Actually Gordon didn’t mind creamy the very early days with Gordon, before DK: Are you more of a drinker of wine I’m not culturally in Islington at the moment. sauces. But you can’t have drippy sauces Sarah, was to go on holiday with him, to the than beer or spirits? That was the referendum, that was the vote, because you’ve got your papers. The role of Algarve or southern France. I’d go down for and we’ve got to make the best of it. meals in decision-making is really important. four or five days and play tennis with him. But EB: Much more wine. I like beer, but I kind of Just before the start of the euro, a discussion one time we’d gone to this restaurant, and feel as though it’s bad for me weight-wise. MOL: I saw this fantastic clip of you before had to be made about who was to be the first my French wasn’t great, and we’d gone for With wine I’m quite traditional – I like left bank the vote where the interviewer asked, head of the European Central Bank – the the set menu, which featured oysters.

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