Vol. XIX No. 7 Candace DeRussy Blowin' Away All Comers November 26, 1997

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By Michael Yeh In 1995, the Kenny administration hired Stewart the university was in control." Gordon, former provost of Queens College, to In Kenny's world, the almighty dollar seems to Perhaps we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, evaluate the operations of the Staller Center. influence just about everything. With the help of but at least we ought to look at the gifts'bearer. Although program evaluations are commonly con- her Corporate Advisory Board, Kenny is quietly Many people in the campus community have ducted with changes in the administration, turning her infatuation with the private sector into wondered whether Computer Associates' CEO Gordon was paid by the Staller family instead of lucrative deals for her business buddies. Charles Wang is truly a generous Santa or just an the university. "It seemed to me that it would have The administration has proposed a bill to the state opportunist who is eager to take advantage of been more appropriate for the review to be paid for legislature that would allow the administrators to state-supported resources. by the university and conducted by a team of fac- lease university property to private corporations There is no doubt that Wang's latest contribution ulty," said Netter. without public bidding for up to 60 years. Although will give the Computer Science department a Another alleged conflict between the Stallers and this practice is currently illegal, the proposed bill much needed boost. One can also be certain that the managerial staff involved the film program- would allow the university to ignore the law, for if Stony Brook will become a major player in soft- ming, which Netter had established after a decade any part of this bill is "inconsistent with the provi- ware development. But the question is, will the of bureaucratic maneuvering. In the fall of 1994, sions of any law...the provisions of this act shall be university's academic independence be compro- Cary Staller suggested that movies should be controlling [see "The New Definition of 'Academic mised as research projects are judged according to shown at midnight on Fridays and Saturdays fol- Mall': The Campus Village Part II, Oct. 31]. One can- their potential for profit? lowing main stage performances. not help but wonder if Kenny's business buddies Donors often expect the right to suggest ideas, When Netter warned that such an ambitious pro- would get the first shot at future contracts. and the university is obliged to encourage it to ject would be logistically impossible, sources say The most puzzling aspect of university's trend maintain donor interest. The administration must that his decision was communicated to Kenny as towards privatization is the allegedly cozy relation- also make sure that donors do not exercise undue an unwillingness to serve undergraduates. ship between Wang and Kenny. According to the lat- influence over academic or managerial decisions. Netter resigned in April 1996 to devote his time est report from the New York State Ethics Committee, The Staller family, who made a fortune on commer- to painting after having served as the director for Kenny holds 6200 shares of Computer Associates cial real estate on Long Island, donated $1.5 million to 16 years. Later, Cary Staller personally donated stocks given as compensation for serving on Wang's the Fine Arts Center in 1988, which the university $15,000 to President Kenny to pay for the extra Board of Directors. This has led to questions about renamed the Staller Center for the Arts. Founding costs for his proposal. When Kenny asked Acting possible conflicts of interest from Kenny's roles in the Director Terrence Netter asked the chairman of the Director Alan Inkles to institute the plan, he also university and in Computer Associates (see Stephen Friends Advisory Board to invite Mrs. Erwin Staller explained that the plan was too impractical. Preston's article for more details). and her son Cary Staller to serve on the Board. A compromise was reached in which films would The Computer Science department has insisted The director is not legally required to follow the be shown on Friday nights when there were no live that Charles Wang has no interest in exerting suggestions of the board, although Netter kept their performances with the latest show at 10 pm. But to undue influence in academic affairs and that the wishes in mind. "We had a balance of people from many faculty and staff, this was just one of many terms of the agreement do not include any changes the community and the university on the Board," incidents that suggests that the Staller family was to the existing programs. But the university must said Netter, "and I never went against their advice." in fact trying to influence managerial decisions. institute safeguards to check the power of wealthy But the Stallers may have wanted more than an advi- "It's obvious that [the Stallers] tried to exert pres- donors. We must learn from the affairs of the sory role, however, for sources in the Staller Center sure with their money," said a professor who Staller family and take special care to ensure that admitted that they "questioned programs that were requested anonymity. "But under Terry [Netter] universities, the last bastions of freedom, do not artistically successful but not financially successful". and former President Marburger, it was clear that sell out to the highest bidders.

THE STONY BROOK PRESS AND THE PEACE CENTER PRESENT

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A Perfect Candidate is an award-winning documentary which follows Virginia's 1994 U.S. Senate race between sex-scandal ridden Chuck Robb and Iran-Contra figure Oliver North. A Perfect Candidate explores the depths to which modern political campaigns may sink and examines what it really takes to get elected in '90s America. Alternately hysterical and horrifying, it is a must see for anyone interested in politics or the electoral process. Tuesday, December 2nd at 7:00 p.m. JavitsFR E 105 E ------

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 2 m8~~aa m a r e1B~~R~~ ISSUES

By Chris Sorochin to determine whether the lower orders were some- best rendition), and looking at it not as a tale of a how physically predisposed to their slothful and distant time and place, but one that resonates Once again, the venerable town elders of Port immoral habits." today. There's a striking similarity between the Jefferson, in their perpetual quest for tourism rev- "Ancestors of Charles Murray, perhaps?" things said and believed by Scrooge and much of enue, will sponsor a Charles Dickens Festival the "Spiritually, at least. In the early Twentieth the conventional wisdom slithering around today weekend of December 5-7. Participants will (hope- Century, many poor and/or 'simple' individuals about poverty and crime and their causes and fully) find themselves transported into an Epcot were forcibly sterilized to keep them from repro- remedies. I'd also strongly recommend becoming Center version of a quaint and whimsical "Merrie ducing. Hitler was a great admirer of the eugeni- acquainted with Dickens' other works, and I don't Olde England" that never really existed at they cist policy as practiced in certain states in the US mean Oliver Twist, really one of his more noisome indulge in caroling and bell-ringing recitals, and some Canadian provinces." efforts. Many Dickens cognoscenti consider Hard Devonshire teas and lamplightings, thinking to "Incredible, simply incredible. But even back Times the epitome of his scathing social commen- themselves that Nineteenth-century London must then, weren't there progressives tary, with the industrialist who have been ablaze with holly and gaslight, and pop- and reformers who advocated keeps going on about how the ulated by a consortium of jolly, pink-cheeked phil- more humane approaches, or workers want to eat turtle soup anthropists, snug in their furs, and ragged, but even radicals, like Marx, who with golden spoons. By the way, are hard-working and decent (and clean) paupers, recommended a transformation you still hungry?" with the occasional phlegmatic miser thrown in for of the entire system?" "Uh, no, thanks, that's OK. Don't contrast, instead of the dreary, gray, industrial hell- "Oh, indeed there were, you think Dickens pussyfooted hole it most probably was. indeed there were," he chortled, around the systematic root of many To sate my hunger for veracity, I interviewed the tugging on his beard and refill- of his society's ills by making it all world's foremost authority on Dickens and his ing his glass, "but anyone who about Scrooge personally and times, Tobias Hoggbowell, at his cozy Victorian suggested a more equitable eco- implying that you can be a good cottage irn Aquebogue. After a sumptuous repast of nomic system was attacked as person and a good capitalist at the roast boar, pickled oysters and brown ale, the lace- an enemy of free enterprise, or same time?" kerchiefed Mrs. Hoggbowell served us prune trifle worse, as a trade unionist. After "Yes. Dickens had to be careful accompanied by many tiny glasses of elderberry the weakening of the monarchi- about what he said and cloak wine and provided a background of reels and airs cal system and the co-opting of everything in a syrupy glaze of per- on the spinnet as we got down to the interview. the Enlightenment, capitalism sonal culpability, lest he be called a "Once you plow through all the sentimental was really feeling its oats. dirty commie and smeared with frummery, Dickens was actually an astute social Many economists and pseudo- opprobrium the way you'd smear critic. He was a citizen of what was then the scientists seized on Mr. Darwin's recent discoveries jam on a scone. That's why I like the film version. world's most powerful Empire. Britain controlled a to put in place an ideology that elevated the greed- They add a whole sub-plot about how Fezziwig large percentage of the globe and maintained the iest to the position of those most evolved. Thus, to was a great guy and too nice, so a couple of heart- hegemony with huge military forces. Abundant interfere with their accumulation of fantastic less entrepreneurial slimemolds force him out of wealth flowed into the pockets of the small British wealth at the expense of lesser beings was to flaunt business in a hostile takeover. The young Ebenezer ruling class, which lived in lavish comfort, and a nature. This ideology partially replaced the older sees that if he wants to be a player, he's got to say growing, but by no means large, middle class of one that God put the powerful on top and to sug- goodbye to his humanity. 'Nice guys finish last' merchants and professionals. gest that they not be was to flaunt Him. Actually, and all that. It's really about his recapturing of that "The British worker, however, didn't fare so well. the two versions kind of merged, and today we humanity and his realization of what's important Forced to leave the countryside by a combination still have them working in tandem, with the addi- in life. Of course, Scrooge had ghosts to help him of privatization of common lands and improve- tion of a third strand: any attempt to equalize out. His equivalents today only have their fellow ments in agriculture and nutrition which swelled wealth will result in a totalitarian assault on all humanoids to point out these important issues." the population, the rural peasantry crowded into individual freedom and pleasure. "Do you think there's any hope?" already overloaded urban areas. There they "In addition to the impressive ideological fortress "Well, a very wise man once said that you can try dwelled in over-crowded, disease-ridden slums being developed, the ruling powers also backed up to change the world and run the risk that nothing and competed for dangerous, low-paying, soul- laws against labor organization and radical politics will improve, or do nothing and make sure of it. crushing industrial jobs." with very real force. This was especially true in the Besides, I know it sounds gooey, but Christmas is "Kind of like today in so much of the Third World." colonies, where rebellions against British imperial- all about miracles." "Exactly. And also like today, and not only in the ism were put down with considerable ruthless vio- "You're right, that's gooey, I think I'm going to be Third World, there were more people than avail- lence and in Ireland, where a third of the population ill. Got any commentary on any other holiday lore?" able jobs, and the 'surplus population' as were rather deliberately let starve during the so- "Well, there's the ubiquitous It's A Wonderful Life, Ebeneezer Scrooge so aptly called them, were called 'Potato Famine' because they were felt to be in but that kind of sours once you've seen just one of either drained off as cannon fodder in the imperial the way and unappreciative of British paternalism." the very nasty hate films Frank Capra directed armed forces, or they turned to crime." "Lemme have another hit of that elderberry glop during the war. Miracle on 34th Street is an ode to "Just the way working class youth today is while I contemplate all this. When you really think commercialism and a lot of the stuff for kids is just offered a choice between low-paying, dead-end about it, things haven't changed a whole lot, have saccharine. Except, of course, for the Grinch. And grunt work, a dangerous life of crime, or 'be all you they?" It's just like Uncle Sam starving all those the Simpsons' Christmas Special, where Bart gets a can be,'" I interjected. kids in Iraq and Cuba so they can subdue those tattoo and Homer has to get a job as a sleazy "Well, sort of. Today there are more options for the countries. department store Santa and they end up at the dog dispossessed, for example professional sports, or "Quite right. Empires are costly things that suck track on Christmas Eve... I think both Seuss and joining a militia. But, otherwise, the similarities are up the resources of the imperial country, to say Groening could be said to be direct descendants of striking. For example, then as now, women and nothing of those of the subject colonies." Dickens; Seuss for his great love of absurdity, min- children bore the brunt of the suffering: prostitu- "Any suggestion as to how to bring this side of gled with sentiment and Groening for his scathing tion and child labor were rampant. In a further par- the Dickens heritage to public attention this holi- satire of society and its institutions, impregnated allel, increasing numbers of the urban poor, or all day season?" with a concern for the human condition. Of course, ages and genders, were shut away in dank prisons, "Well, you could get some co-conspirators togeth- Groening can also trace his heredity back to the all- or condemned to miserable poor houses where er, dress up in period costume and go around at American irreverence of Mark Twain." they did back-breaking and menial work for hard- this festival distributing leaflets or even verbally "Well, Dr. Hoggbowell..." ly any pay because they were burdens on society." educating people as to Dickens' true social con- "Please, call me Toby." "Workfare!" I chirped. cerns. It'll ruin the scented-candle mindlessness of "OK, Toby, if we get into Mark Twain, we'll be "Indeed it was, my boy. In Dickens' time, as in it for some people, and Port Jeff Code Enforcement here all night. Thanks for a lovely evening and as Clinton's, poverty was considered a moral failing, might take a dim view of your actions and have Tiny Tim observed, th-th-that's all folks." and those without means were said to be lazy, you removed to the hoosegow. Other than that, I'd shiftless, ignorant, etc. Some in the scientific com- recommend reading A Christmas Carol (or at least I Hate To Say I Told You So Department munity even began to do anthropometric research seeing the 1951 version with Alistair Sim, still the I read the news please see "Humbug, " page 6

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 3 EDITORIALS ...... A~i~6~i3L71s~ ~s~s~ ~a~a CANDY AIN'T DANDY After Governor Pataki was inaugurated in And then she decided to hit a couple of seminars. 1995, he was presented with the opportunity to When SUNY New Paltz recently held two con- appoint several members to the SUNY Board of ferences dealing with alternative sexuality, Trustees, the little known group of advisors who DeRussy attended in an obvious attempt to make SUNY policy. police college academic content. She brought a Candace DeRussy was one of the five more than slanted eye toward censorship. appointees. She was appointed to the position of DeRussy knew what she was going to experience Trustee not on her merits (which are dubious, at at the conference, and attended with the intention best) but rather on her assurances of pushing of micro-managing that which she has every reli- Pataki's conservative agenda through one of the gious reason to be offended by. When a woman last truly progressive public education systems who writes for a conservative Catholic ignorag left in the country. attends a conference entitled "Revolting Behavior: DeRussy's governance of the State University The Challenge of Women's Sexual Freedom," what system has been marked by an extreme right- do people expect the result to be? wing agenda, as she makes sure to interpret her Well surprise surprise, she was shocked and job responsibilities in the most narrow and con- disgusted. The issue quickly became political servative ways possible. Her opinions and initia- fodder, putting DeRussy's name in the papers tives would have even the Church Lady begging and New Paltz President Roger Bowen's head on her to chill the fuck out. the chopping block. For starters, she whole-heartedly supported And now, with New Paltz's seminars nicely Pataki's proposed tuition raises in 1995 and 1996. politicized to the Governor's advantage, and the As a contributing editor to the conservative SUNY Chancellor pondering Bowen's future, Catholic Crisis Magazine, she has written a num- DeRussy will try to sink back into obscurity. ber of articles dealing with her view of education We can't let that happen. in America, including a screed detailing how the Candace DeRussy is in place to make sure the Magic: The Gathering card game has "a deleteri- future leaders of New York State stay as ignorant ous effect on morals and indeed may cause vio- as the current leaders, securing the seats of power lence," and how the game induces children to for those who depend on ignorance for success. practice satanism. In a state where only the painfully stupid would Furthermore, the group Change NY, of which vote for George Pataki, Candace DeRussy exists DeRussy is a member, has as its mission the to tweak the nipple clamps of an increasingly twisting of public education guidelines to more ignorant student body. Christian-Coalition-approved boundaries. As such, DeRussy has repeatedly put herself at Side thought: If New Paltz President Roger the forefront of a number of issues that concern Bowen is ousted as a result of the two sex con- SUNY students, using her position and influence ferences, faculty members here at Stony Brook as a SUNY trustee to push her neo-christian polit- should be strongly encouraged to hold a month- ical agenda down the throats of New York's less long series of lectures on S&M, bondage and religiously extreme, more intelligent academia. water sports. LETTERS To THE EDITOR Silly, Humorless and Overly Critical? effective approach to understanding and modifying the state of the world. This is evidenced by the prod- To The Editor: ucts of science and engineering (TVs, rice, etc.) com- Perhaps there is something to be said for those silly, pared to those of anecdote. Perhaps Ms. Juggs' lack of humorless, "overly critical" people that "Julia Juggs" scientific training also leads her to be unaware of the spent half a page in the last issue whining about. If fact that, just like the drugs Western medicine pre- nothing else, overly critical people generally have the scribes, traditional healing systems also "mess with good fortune of not blatantly contradicting them- your body chemistry." We are unaware of how any selves in public newspapers. Ms. Juggs asserts that treatment could have any effect without doing so. she "never claimed to be no scientist" yet feels quite Even more important than Ms. Juggs' lack of scien- justified in condemning "Western Medical Science" tific thinking is her R'' celebration of ignorance. It's N-ýE for its stubbornness. While condemning Western appalling that a college student and a staff member of medicine, she simultaneously hails alternative medi- a campus publication doesn't feel the need to engage in cine as the new messiah, and holds up a personal analytical thinking but would rather take "certain anecdote about her mother's plight as proof. Perhaps, things at face value." Perhaps next time the KKK SRUNNER-UP: BEST since Ms.Juggs is not a scientist, she is unaware of the decides to try to rally at the local mall, college students ALTERNATIVE PUBLICATION differences between writing about her opinions about should take what they have to say at face value. After SBEST SENSE OF HUMOR what happened to her mom and decades of dedicated all, people should be able to spew whatever kind of (SECOND CONSECUTIVE YEAR) research, experimentation, and controlled clinical tri- ignorant, nonsensical shit they like without the threat OHONORABLE MENTION: als. Here's a tip: the latter is a considerably more of actually being challenged... Scontinued next page REPORTING ~ THE STONY ssPtESSA 44BROOK LETTERS TO THE EDITOR' continuedfrom previous page shouldn't they? neccessary to bring an art form in its adoles- One final note about the campus banners. We cence to maturity. feel that the administration has done the campus What they did with that opportunity is less than community and Ms. Juggs in particular a disser- laudable. Acting like a bunch of petulant, unpro- vice by not including one of our favorite quota- fessional airheads, Image Comics proceeded to tions: "It's better to keep one's mouth shut and quickly emphasize all those aspects of comic be thought a fool than to open it and remove all book-making that were idiotic and sophomoric. doubt." Muscles, unproportionately big tits hovering Sincerely, over unproportionately big guns, "cool" cos- Jennifer Hobin tumes, banal banter, die-cut covers with eight James Polichak different types of foil embossment, grade- school-level writing and late shipping dates The Author Responds: became Image's trademarks. All those factors Hey now, kids, why the hostility? Can't we all that appealed to pre-pubescent teenaged boys just get along? And, just to clarify, I didn't spend were highlighted to the point where anything halfa page in the last issue bitching about over- that differed from that formula was seen as too ly critical people. That was merely one part of much of a risk to publish. my article. And I'm sure that you, being the pil- Combine that with the above-mentioned habit- lars of truth and righteousness that you are, will ually late shipping dates, and you had a retail agree that I'm justified in chargingyou as Overly force that invested millions of dollars in books Critical, because, you'll note, your letter is one they expected to have on the shelves by a certain big criticism of me and my ignorance of science. date, left waiting, without money or books, for Don't get riled up, I'm just exercising my right to product that showed three, four months late. "challenge the ignorant, nonsensical shit" that Many stores closed as creditors collected debts, you have spewed forth. No hard feelings though and without these big-selling books to sustain - just because we each think the other is full of the stores, they started closing. shit doesn't mean we can't maintain a level of When a generation of twelve- and thirteen- cordiality. Oh, and one more thing: lighten the year-old boys realized they were getting the fuck up, and learn how to take a joke. same cheesy artists rehashing the same cheesy characters involved in the same cheesy plots, Don't Be A Twenty-Something Fanboy they stopped buying the books, and the industry To The Editor: went into a financial tailspin. Re: "I Was a Teenage X-Man," by Squirrel, Many people lost their livelihoods, and the from the November 12 issue of The Press. careers of many burgeoning artists (not formu- Comics are one of the few art forms in laic hackmen like MacFarlane) were ended America that have been so segmented and short, when publishers no longer had any shamelessly profit-driven as to have been ren- money to risk on un-tested, risk-taking cre- dered nearly lifeless. A decade of neglect, mis- ations. Just the type of creations neccessary for management and greed has sent the profitability an art form to flourish. of a once-thriving industry plummetting and, So twenty-something adults like Squirrel decry along with it, the number of stores that sell the disdain with which many people, unfamiliar comics. with the nature of comics, treat him. He champi- Comic specialty stores are the lifeblood of an ons comics as a viable art form, one deserving of art form that mainstream bookstores have histor- the same type of attention and respect as other ically sectioned off to the lower shelf of the storytelling media, such as the novel or film. Yet, Science Fiction department, if they carry comics he continues to read and celebrate those very at all. Newsstands sell only those titles which artists and genres which serve to marginalize his will have the widest possible appeal; i.e. X-Men hobby, and ensure its eventual destruction. and Archie comics. The conduit by which It is, and should always be, okay to indauge in comics reach the populace has shrunk, and less whatever type of reading one wishes to. Squirrel books are able to get through as a result. should enjoy his X-Men, his Spawns; he should And people like Squirrel are responsible. revel in the joy and escapism these books bring Not him per se, but people whose understand- him. He shouldn't, however, cite these books as ing of, and participation, in comics begins and the end-all and be-all of comics, but rather, he ends with spandex and super powers. Having should promote those books and artists whose grown up on these staples of the graphic story- work would never see the light of day. He should telling medium, adult fans of the superhero be citing the Gaimans, the Barrs, the genre are responsible for the implosion that has Spiegelmans, the Hernandezes, the Windsor- decimated the industry in the last few years. Smiths, the Crumbs, the Moores, the It all started with Image Comics (I applaud Kristiansens, the Cruses and the Moebiuses as Squirrel's choice of target in Rob Liefeld, a can- the best the medium has to offer. He should be cer to hit the comic book medium if ever there able to get past his adolescent fixation on super- was one). When Rob Liefeld, Todd MacFarlane, powers and "cool art and characters" to what Jim Lee and the others left Marvel Comics and really matters: the amalgamation of story and established Image Comics as a venue through art. The comic book medium is a dynamic and which creators could retain control over their exciting art form. It deserves and needs champi- creations, the industry applauded them and sup- ons who know what they are talking about...... ported them. They were Marvel Comics' bright- ...... est and flashiest sons, and they were making a Sincerely, ...... stand for creator's rights, one of the first steps John Giuffo ......

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 5 ISSUES hEssAILSAs4HorousK LawArKS MaK Mess

By Norman Solomon find a respectable economist who opposes free benefits of globalization, obviously the people out trade, the value of which is glaringly obvious." there don't know it." Bad Congress! Bad Congress! As a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, But, at a Boston-based group called United for a Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have gotten quite a one of the nation's most influential think tanks, Fair Economy, researcher Chuck Collins observes media scolding lately. You'd think they were dogs Glassman doesn't let the readers of his widely syn- that "the American people are not isolationist or that refused to be "Housebroken." From coast to dicated column know who is paying the piper for stupid about the ups and downs of free trade." He coast, the angry sound of rolled-up newspapers his tunes. But a report by Public Citizen docu- points out: "Americans are suspicious of interna- was unmistakable. mented that between 1992 and 1995, the Institute tional trade policies that are written entirely to The New York Times held its nose in disgust all the received more than $1.7 million from pharmaceuti- serve the interests of large multinational corpora- way through an editorial that thrashed "vengeful" cal, medical device, biotechnology and tobacco tions." Democrats in the House of Representatives for fail- firms and their foundations - only some of the When those interests won a big victory with pas- ing to grant the president fast-track power over donors eager for "free trade" pacts that curb gov- sage of NAFTA in 1993, news coverage tended to trade agreements. The newspaper concluded that ernment regulation. portray the win as a triumph for pro-trade ratio- "narrow political interest has carried the day." This month, Glassman -- who described nality. But the big victory over fast-track legislation Meanwhile, a Washington Post editorial was Democrats in Congress as "the disingenuous stew- -- won by labor, environmentalists and human fuming that Congress "caved in to the special ards of unions that are desperately trying to main- rights activists a few days ago -- was widely pleaders." The editorial made an odd claim: "Trade tain their cartels" -- was among numerous com- reported as a triumph for narrow special interests. liberalization benefits most people, but it also mentators who blasted organized labor for going Lori Wallach, director of Public Citizen's Global invariably hurts a few... In the political process, the toe to toe with big business. Trade Watch, has an assessment that's very differ- losers and potential losers naturally lobby vocifer- A Los Angeles Times opinion piece that appeared ent from the usual fast-track postmortems in the ously; the winners, a larger but more diffuse Nov. 12 was typical: Political scientist Ross K. news media. "Despite the incredible pressure of the group, don't." Baker denounced "labor's scare tactics" and con- president and the Cabinet, despite the offers of The Post didn't mention that trade-deal "win- tended that "congressional Democrats have con- outrageous pork-barrel deals, despite the intense ners" had been able to lobby vociferously in its sented to be bound, trussed and gagged by lobbying by most of the Fortune 500," she says, own pages. During the six months leading up to America's fading labor movement." "Congress was able to represent the interests of fast track's demise in the House, the Post's op-ed In the wake of fast track's failure to get through their constituents." page ran 12 articles in favor of fast track -- and just the House, a Wall Street Journal editorial mourn- Whether the country's powerful media outlets four against it. fully charged that AFL-CIO President John like it or not, disobedient voices have transformed When Congress declined to give fast track a Sweeney had "busted up a Democratic president's the national debate. green light, many pundits with big megaphones attempt to maintain American trade leadership in expressed anger. None were more contemptuous the emerging global economy." than Washington Post columnist James K. A lot of news and commentary echoed the senti- Norman Solomon is a syndicated columnist. His most Glassman, who described the House of ments of Commerce Secretary William Daley, who recent books are "Wizards of Media Oz" (co-authored Representatives as "the Washington chapter of the depicted citizens living outside the Beltway as ill- with Jeff Cohen) and "The Trouble With Dilbert: How Flat Earth Society." He proclaimed: "It's hard to informed dummies: "Even though we all know the CorporateCulture Gets the Last Laugh." "Humbug," continuedfrom page 3 today, Oh boy. Actually, I just saw the headline. It seems Adolf, I mean Rudy, now plans to install surveillance cameras in Central Park and other "crime spots." Is nothing sacred? And are there going to be cameras on Wall Street? Or lavatories of police precinct station houses?

Here We Go Again Department Ho-hum. Another confrontation with those mean old Iraqis over their weapons of mass destruction. First, the US has absolutely no right to preach to anyone else about such weapons. When are we destroying our weapons of mass destruction? And until then, are we going to allow inspections of officials from a sworn hostile power in to look at them? Of course not. All inspection teams should be from neutral countries. If they reach a conclusion our leaders don't like, they can simply employ their patented combination of bribery, arm twisting and IE them to see things the "right" way. Or, as in case of intimidation to influence the 1984 Nicaraguan elections, simply ignore them. Ditto for the two accused bombers of PanAm flight 103. Kaddafi insists they be tried by the World Court or some other impartial body. And if the US and Britain are so sure of the righteousness of their accusations of their accusa- the boutique for exquisite tastes tions, they shouldn't be afraid of such a hearing, although I think the world court might be a little harder to buy off than UN officials. Again, we'll just ignore the ruling, like we did when they ordered us to pay Nicaragua repa- HOLIDA Y FASHIONS rations for mining their harbors back in the '80s.

HAND-CRAFTIED JEWELRY Have a truly joyous intercession! This Just In! UNIQUE GIFTS Sunday, November 16th, I and about 600 others were arrested for partici- 'FREE GIFT pating in a procession onto the Fort Benning Military Reservation. We carried coffins filled with petitions demanding the closing of the School of the 15% aft any purep-0 w"'en ihis Americas. All 600 of us were transported to a central location, patted down, coupon ls puiesm ted (exp I2124/- Anti-SOA literature, buttons and T-shirts ('oif val'd on *8»«is iarw photographed and "processed." were confiscated. At the end we were served hot cafeteria food and some- WRAPPING * CREIIT CARS CHECKS thing resembling coffee. They started releasing us after about five hours, but SEN;Ols DISCOUNT some were there longer. Thirty people who'd previously "trespassed" will be (516) 331-51996 arraigned on Wednesday, November 19th. 202 MAIN STREETPRESS PORT JEFFERSON NY 11777 BROOK PAGESTONY THE THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 6 h -- ' -e ~s~s I ---B01--- 199 ~PY-~III~PLWI~ -~pl- ·LIP~-~ - -- I1C-~lfLI~Y~I~~~YI~r~·~·~CI·~BC~.~ -~-~a~- ·---s·a~r.~hsa ISSUES It's Supposed To e Aboat Learntn

By Matthew Vernon Xavier Willemain understanding amongst faculty and students reception: not only could we now interact with the working in dramatically different disciplinary speakers in a direct one-on-one fashion, but there Eighteen-thousand undergraduate students run areas." In other words, the University is home to were refreshments! All in all, I felt it was a won- around and bump into each other on the 1100 acres countless scholars who spend most of their time derful opportunity for honest learning and open of this mammoth University. In addition to juggling devoted to academics in a setting filled only with communication, and I was saddened that I was the courses, clubs, and social lives, we work who others of their specialty. Not only does this greatly only undergraduate present to enjoy it. knows how many hours for the priviledge of limit their understanding of all the fields they don't In a discussion after the lecture, I learned that attending Stony Brook. Maybe somewhere in that happen to study, but it prevents their exposure to Director Kaplan shared my disappointment over busy mess we forget why, exactly, we're putting in viewpoints which differ from those unquestioned the lack of undergraduate presense at the lecture. all these hours. This is a University, and although in by those in their particular tightly-knit circle. She pointed out that the Institute had put up flyers this day and age many see it as a neccesary evil to Every year, the Institute presents a topical lecture and advertised in campus newspapers. In the past, be trod through on the way to a job, we are sup- series with these goals in mind; this year's series is however, undergraduates seem to have only posed to be reviving an education, or, more accu- entitled, "Technology and the Millenium." Co-spon- shown when given either a direct grade incentive rately, educating ourselves. It is with this in mind sored by Don Harrington, Chair of Radiology in the or threat from proffesors. I would urge everyone that it is an understable shame, yet a shame none- Medical School, Dr. Yacov Shamash, Dean of reading this, especially any undergraduates who the-less, that I appeared to be the only undergradu- Engineering, Director Kaplan and Tom Liao, Chair do care about learning a thing or two during their ate in attendance at the recent lecture, "Computers of the Program in Technology and Society, stay here, to look into the Humanities Institute, as and Linguistics," presented by the Humanities "Technology and the Millenium" was created to well as whatever else waits out there, unseen by Institute. explore (with this multi-disciplinary perspective) the freshman eyes. As a first semester freshman, there is still a impact computers and humans have on one another. "Computers and Linguistics" was the second lec- tremendous amount for me to learn about the After the requisite jokes stereotyping one disci- ture in this year's series. The first, presented over resources at the disposal of students of this pline or another ("I'm surprised an engineer could the summer, focused on Deep Blue, the computer University (and I can only assume that the full- have found such a good looking tie") we were off. that defeated human chess champion Gary time worker/full-time student commuter-types I found this particular lecture, "Computers and Kasparov. The next lecture, focusing on creativity, out there may have studied here for years without Linguistics," presented Dr. Richard Larson, will be given by Microsoft Fellow Alvery Ray learning these things), and so I found myself, last Proffesor of Linguistics, and Dr. David Warren, Smith, on Wednesday, April 29th. Lectures beyond week, wandering the halls of our library. It was in Chairman of the Computer Science department, that are still undecided, a computer graphics spe- these wanderings that I stumbled upon the offices with introduction by Dr. Shamash, to be interest- cialist is being considered, and the Institute is open of the Humanities Institute, and a flyer informing ing, educational, and well-presented. Profs. Larson to additional suggestion. me that, in half an hour, a lecture on the study of and Warren, who have worked together many The Institute has other functions beyond the one computers and language would be presented. For times in the past, spoke of the way the studies of lecture series. This March there will be a two-day the sake of those of you who haven't had time to computer science and linguistics have influenced conference "New Millenium. New Humanities?" stumble upon the Institute, allow me to explain. one another, and at times the "I'm talking, you're celebrating the tenth anniversary of the Institute Celebrating its tenth anniversary, the Humanities listening," structure broke down into an open dis- and exploring the future of the humanities in "the Institute is an organization which aims to, in the cussion between the speakers and the audience context of globalization." This conference is free to words of Director E. Ann Kaplan, "foster better members. The formal lecture was followed by a undergraduates. -__p------a~,~b-pspl~L·r~-rr~~ _~~~-3~1)~B~P%~IP~I~·~·I~P~EL~~-~e~e~s se -e It ~aps~%rs~aPrs~inr~·e~s~sEaaa PITT~RcTTIO1 rESBINi , €»^Y, nIISE^«A %r^ND EIRILN GRIAD et IIDET -d! Get involved!

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Gay-friendly students are welcome to all events! Meetings held twice a month in the SAC ------NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 7 ISSUES

Give them any chance, they'll take it;

By Stephen Preston Computer Associates donated, in March 1996, a Unfortunately, CA does not actually have a Quality Assurance Lab and a Transaction press release on this topic. However, the idea Kenny and the Part-Time Jobs Processing Lab to our own Computer Science that "employees from [CA] will obtain adjunct department. (OK, so this was never publicized professor positions at the University in order to So tell me, you cynical embittered students, tell on campus, and you never heard about it; read teach specialized classes" might seem a tad sus- me how you think Shirley Strum Kenny is sup- the press release on CA's web page.) You'll also picious, especially in light of CA's previous posed to make all her dreams come true with recall the very recent announcement that plans to add the new courses to teach students her $170,000 salary as Stony Brook's President. Computer Associates would donate money to to love and appreciate CA software. There are Clearly she cannot, and thus she has been forced the Computer Science rumors of more collabora- to take several part-time jobs for supplemental department to expand tive projects between CA income. Have many of you not been in the same the faculty and increase and Stony Brook as well, situation? Have you not taken a job for Aramark enrollment. but nobody yet has any or Wallace's to earn a few extra bucks? Surely! Now there was an edi- details on them. So do not think to throw stones at Shirley Strum torial furor in the Ostensibly - that is, Kenny as you hear what she's been forced to do. Statesman over these according to Stony Brook's According to Kenny's 1996 Financial donations. Apparently official spokespersons - Disclosure Statements (available through the the Statesman suspected these donations are State Ethics Commission, if you're willing to that all was not well intended only to increase traipse to Dennis Vacco's office in with these donations, the number of computer Manhattan), she held four part-time jobs, that perhaps CA had cer- science majors at Stony serving on: the Scholarship Committee of tain unpublicized ulteri- Brook so that Computer Seagrams, the Regional Advisory Board of or motives. Statesman Associates will have more Chase Manhattan, the Board of Directors of has been and continues and better employees. Toys 'R' Us, and the Board of Directors of to be roundly chastised Ignoring the fact that Computer Associates. I do not know what she for their cynicism, by Computer Associat'es' Charles Wang Computer Associates itself Tee Le D. Ying/Statesman does for the scholarship committee. She is Computer Science's photo courtesy ?k doesn't seem to share this presumably paid for serving on the Regional Steven Skiena ("There is absolutely nothing interpretation, let's analyze the idea more care- Advisory Board of Chase Manhattan, but I do sinister about this...") and by New York City fully. Why would Computer Associates spend not know what her duties are. Comptroller Alan Hevesi, who said that so much money on our computer science Her positions on the Boards of Directors are CUNY would gladly take CA's donations). Is department? It is suggested in the Statesman rather important, however. Thanks to the there any cause for concern, as Statesman article on the subject that CA has a lot of trouble Securities & Exchange Commission (SEC), it is believes? Or is it just Charles Wang's (CA's finding employees. According to Skiena, "[CA] fairly easy to find out about them, since every CEO) unabashed generosity at work, as Skiena obviously needs quality trained software people corporation is required to file with the SEC on believes? and you can either import them or you can all compensation of its Directors. According to Computer Associates seems to believe the make them." Charles Wang has said in inter- these reports (available on the Web; see the Web whole plan is rather sinister. For example, views that due to the miserable living condi- edition of this article for the actual addresses), according to CA's press release from March tions on Long Island or rumors thereof, many Kenny earned $30,000 as a base salary for being 1996, the computer science curriculum is being employees are not willing to move here to work a Director at Toys 'R' Us. She also earned $1500 changed a bit: "Students taking four new cours- for him. Makes sense, right? for every meeting of the Board she attended. At es will review the latest updates in CA soft- However... Another reason people may not 6 meetings a year, this brings her total Toys 'R' ware... These key courses will prepare today's want to work for Computer Associates is that Us compensation to $39,000. students for a wide variety of professional posi- the working conditions aren't so great either. As a director of Computer Associates, Kenny tions by familiarizing them on the CA-Unicenter According to a Newsday article from July 4, 1993: earns $45,000 per year. For this she attends 8 systems and network management solution and "Employees are expected to put in long hours, meetings per year. Just for CA-OpenIngres display unyielding dedication and flexibility the sake of curiosity, let's information manage- and accept relatively low starting pay." Some compare Kenny's part-time ment solutions..." former employees in various Newsday articles job to the one you probably Computer Associates said things like "You're either fanatically loyal have. Let's assume that each also suggests that or you're gone," "...burnout is a real problem at meeting takes one full day, another ulterior CA," and "The whole place is run on fear." and Kenny spends two more motive might be to Newsday, on August 16, 1995, also suggested days reading stock reports or get CS faculty to help that working at CA has a price: "long hours, the something. This brings the corporation fix possibility of frequent and drastic changes in Kenny's total working time to two forty-hour the problems with CA's software: "The partner- assignment and total dedication to the company weeks. So for each week, she earns $22,500. If ship establishes two major SUNY software and its chief executive [Charles Wang]." you work for Aramark or anywhere else on research projects at Stony Brook... [One] project Another quote: "At critical times... employees campus, you will make the minimum wage of will develop a new database concurrency con- often work 11- and 12-hour days, and come in $5.15 per hour, or $206 per week. This means trol that will allow databases to process more on weekends." Those who don't are "mocked that Shirley Kenny's time is worth roughly 110 transactions per second. CA has donated a behind their backs, then driven out." times as much as yours. Of course, this is a con- source code version of CA-OpenIngres, which So even if CA is not trying to get students and servative estimate, since she probably doesn't two Ph.D. candidates will update with the con- faculty to redesign CA's software, their motives work quite so long. currency control method... [In another], [a facul- may not be so noble after all. Do we really want ty member] and a Ph.D. candidate will develop computer science students to be trained here to a language and protocols to support workflow use primarily CA software? Do we want CA Computer Associates' Other University applications over the Internet using the CA- employees to teach students how to get jobs at Connections OpenIngres database." CA? I would argue not. It doesn't mean Stony How about Computer Associates more recent Brook should encourage people not to work "Wait a minute!", you think. "Haven't I heard announcement, that CA would contribute facul- there; however, students should also be quali- the name 'Computer Associates' somewhere ty to "double the number of computer science fied to work at companies other than CA when before?" Yes, you have! You'll recall that undergraduates"? Anything sinister there? they graduate.

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 8 ..-.... them.a...ru...... b. ISSUES

read then any ru e, they"l break it.

But what about Charles Wang's most selfless the boards as well. Any time any official of the have some knowledge of these collaborations, donation, our beloved (potential) Asian- University is asked to be on a Board of Directors, and that she knows of other deals that have not American Center? Surely this $25 million gift is ... that goes to the State Ethics Commission." yet become public. nothing but beneficent, and thus we can't just go A perusal of the New York State Ethics It is for all of these reasons that members of around bashing Charles like ingrates, right? Commission's Advisory Opinions shows that the Press and Statesman recently filed a com- Well, not exactly. Remember what's actually in Kenny indeed went to them. Check out plaint with the State Ethics Commission. The the Asian-American Center? Along with the Advisory Opinion #95-21 (see the Web version Commission is currently evaluating the com- cultural things, there is a computer lab and var- of this article for the site), for example. In this plaint, and will soon decide whether to pursue • I _ _1. _ _1 _*_ -l 1 _1 10- -•, •- CIT T ' ,1- 11. le.. ious tecnnoiogy wnicn Cnaries ieels is the upmion, a certain UI Y a full investigation of beginning of a "virtual university." According campus President (names Kenny's actions. Kenny has to an Administration official, Wang was consid- are deleted for anonymi- compromised our faith in ering building onto the Computer Science build- ty) asked the Ethics her independence, and ing for some kind of Computer Associates Commission to join the shattered our confidence Research facility, but he has apparently changed Board of Directors of a that her private invest- his mind and wants to build it directly onto the certain for-profit comput- ments are not influencing Asian-American Center. At this point it is hard er software company... But her public actions. to tell how serious the plan is, but it helps to let's not play games. It's A French philosopher once explain why someone who treats his employees obvious they're referring \ said, "The law prevents the so poorly would suddenly become so generous. Kenny and CA (though they won't actually rich man and the poor man equally from steal- According to Stony Brook's press release from admit it). ing bread and sleeping under the bridge at November 3, 1997 (see the "Octos" issue of The compensation for this position was sup- night." The law prevents you from stealing Happenings for details) this is only one of the posed to be $30,000 per year and 2,000 stock from Aramark, and allows them to steal from projects of the "Center for Software Excellence," options. Interestingly, the Ethics Commission you. But perhaps the law can also be used, for "a program developed jointly by CA and Stony allowed her to take the job and the flat compen- once, to help students. This is our hope: that Brook to promote research and development in sation, but not the stock option. Their rationale Kenny's most recent ethics violations will areas leading to the creation of new software was the concern that "a personal, equity interest finally be the last straw. Here's a quick sum- companies in the Long Island area." How gen- in Computer Associates would create the mary of the laws Kenny seems to have broken, erous! Charles Wang, who made his fortune by appearance of impropriety." It is thus very inter- from the Ethics Commission complaint: devouring smaller software companies, now esting that Kenny owns stock in Computer --She created the appearance of impropriety by wants SUNY to help him create new smaller Associates anyway. According to the SEC serving on the Board of Directors of CA, in vio- software companies. Surely there are others reports, she owned 2500 shares of CA stock in lation of Public Officers' Law ("An officer... of who believe this action is not totally selfless... 1994, upon first becoming a Director. After two a state agency should abstain from making It seems likely that if the Center ever gets stock splits and one apparent purchase or pay- personal investments in enterprises which... around to needing some kind of space of its ment of 575 shares, she has 6200 shares of stock may be directly involved in decisions to be own, it will get it in the Asian-American Center in Computer Associates. With a value of around made by him," and "An officer... of a state (as Kenny herself has suggested). If it was to go $70 per share, this means Kenny has over agency should endeavor to pursue a course of any other place on campus, Wang and Kenny $430,000 invested in CA. conduct which will not raise suspicion among would have to apply to the legislature for anoth- Now could there possibly be a conflict of inter- the public that he is... in violation of his trust.") er ground lease. Considering how difficult it est between a heavy investment in CA and a -- She failed to disclose her knowledge of, and

h1nCIb1 no ftiXii"l-y n iti thciL i B d tLastii L LIIn - L LJi Loy Lo 8tL ca VJUiLIUIL LU I LILLII IC LUIU. possibly participated in, negotiations between Campus Village ground lease, it of Directors, and a posi- Computer Associates and Stony Brook for the seems they would have the same tion of authority over "Center for Software Excellence" projects, in difficulty with this. But Wang the Computer Science violation of the specific provisions of the got a ground lease for his Asian- department? Did Kenny Ethics Commission's Advisory Opinion 95-21. American Center with no trouble pressure the Computer -- She held stock in Computer Associates while at all, and now he can do essen- Science department to serving on the Board of Directors, in violation tially anything he wants with conform to Wang's of the intent of Advisory Opinions 95-21 and that space. demands for fear of 96-29. budget cuts? Skiena --The proposed construction on campus of any seems to believe some- offices for Computer Associates or the "Center Laverne, Shirley, and the Ethics thing like this; he for Software Excellence" could violate parts of Commission seemed concerned Education Law and the Public Officers' Law, about the recent cuts in which prevent campus officials from holding Now here's. '# where_ S~hirle¢ 1 " President ShirleyStrumKennyIfaculty,C --- I,- - n- -31 hildtat -*I1I -1131 Lt-1 -, any personal interest in leases of campus prop- StrumKennycomes in.You'refey University therewouldbeany new erty. probably wondering at this stage whether money in the department. The Press has made a point of accusing Kenny Kenny's positions as Computer Associates Any involvement between Kenny, Stony of whoring herself for Charles Wang. This is a Director and Stony Brook Overlord are in any Brook, and Computer Associates is a violation of serious misconception. Kenny is not a whore, way incompatible, or if they perhaps create a the Ethics Commission's specific requests to she is a pimp. She is whoring the departments conflict of interest, especially considering what's Kenny. She was ordered to "disclose and recuse on the campus to profiteers and her persona' already happened between CA and Stony herself from matters concerning Computer friends. It must stop here, with Charles Wang. Brook. Associates or SUNY (e.g., renewal of existing While it is understandable that the Computer I asked Kenny how, with her Shakespearean contracts, Computer Associates' possibly seek- Science department may not openly object to literature background, she ended up on the ing to perform new services for SUNY, these deals (since they see no other source of Boards of Directors of Toys 'R' Us and Computer Associates' giving of property of ser- money), they must be stopped nonetheless. Computer Associates (neither of which have any vices to SUNY)." If Kenny even knew about any With any luck, the Ethics Commission will find direct connection to Shakespeare). Her response: negotiations between CA and Stony Brook's her guilty of ethical violations before she flees to "I was asked to be on those two boards. I have Computer Science department without full dis- Texas. Kenny must go, but not voluntarily. found it enormously helpful as a businessper- closure, this is a serious violation of ethics. It is son in this job and I hope I have been helpful to becoming increasingly evident that Kenny did

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CATBERT: EVIL H.R. DRECTOR REALY WtI5H bUT WE EXPECT I PRERLLY, YOU WOULDN'T 00 "YOUR THE CO¶PANY HAS NO TOTAL LOYALTY OUT OF YOU. FACE- STRETCHING IMPLIEO CONTRACT EXERCISES HERE TO KEEP OU EVERY /MORNING! EMPLOYED,0(ALLY. § ^ "s r- v -- ^' - ^^\E~ ^'

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 10 ~ g~C~q~R ~4~P~--r ~IP~U- IL~ I-r ~Cr~691Lpp·rs.ra I BT PP - ~IP-- IL -~ r- - .~C~-----~i~---s-sC_6~-~4- _ ~Pe~CrC~~ -

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 11 I LIKE CHEESE I ·~~· ·

------~------1 Ir .I CONTEjr T WRAP -UP

THE "LITIGATION SUCKS" CONTEST Several issues ago, we ran a "Nancy" cartoon without any words, and asked you to write the dialog. The winner, Kara Uso, was also our only entrant... but that's not to cast aspersions on her lovely comic. It's printed at right.

THE SEAWOLF SUBMARINE An issue later, we asked you to re-write the words to "Yellow Submarine" so as to describe Stony Brook. Our suggestion: "We're going down on the Seawolf Submarine." Our winner, Kathleen Vize, came up with something better:

"At the U of Stony Brook Plays a team of brawny boys Now they've made Division One So they're Shirley's favorite toys

Shirl's going down on the Seawolf Submarine Seawolf Submarine Seawolf Submarine Shirl's going down on the Seawolf Submarine

S.A.T's... What did they mean? They've been lowered for Our division one team ,, -J-ldT, - l;-,i 4,t , l t

a The presi ent contnu

Shirl's going down on the Seawolf Submarine Seawolf Submarine Seawolf Submarine Shirl's going down on the Seawolf Submarine

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 12 mamm FEATURES

BringingSyou the absolute best in student productions and major release movies!

Monday Tuesday iWednesday Thursday Friday r Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday 11/24 11/25 11/26 11/27 11/28 12/1 12/2 12/3 12/4 12/5 --- vT e%-A . Much Ado The .T.IheI Count Mrs. From :oo- Richard 5:0o- InLove of Monte Doubtfire Information Damage III About The Van Living Volcano 6-0o pm and War Do pr" Nothing Smithsonian Cristo (5:30) to Wisdom USB :oo- USB 6:00- 4 I o0 | Rugby 'ni I 'I, I Rugby I Andrew Beethoven's Burly Jnderstanding Burly 7:"]- Jnderstanding UK Todayf Lloyd UK Today Fifth Television I Bear Viruses Bear Webber Symphony USB Theatre Midnight Inventing Seawolves Senate Forrest Seawolves Senate Age of "Spare Henry V Madness t-hef Basketball Meeting Gump Basketball Meeting Innocence Change" 1997 1:00:00- Abbotts Our Town Stop the and Brutality 0:00- Spirit Night o:oo- USB All Over SAC KASA Star 10:00- Strange Days Infinite Riverdance Rising Sun The Empire 1:00o Comedy Me Ceremony Ceremony Wars 11:00 (10:30) Possibilities (10:30) (10:30) Strikes Back Hour (9:45) :oo00- The Last Dead Immortal 11:00- of the Poets 2:00 Beloved 12:00 RMonicansA-L!---- Society Romeo 2:00- 2001: ASpacE Madama ! 12:00- Don Juan I and Juliet 1:00 t Nowhere Odyssey Butterfly | 1:00 2:0%0% S(11:30) 14 1.tfil 4 De Marco (12:15 I (IIlt.OV) (12:15) Barton :00- Set It Paradise 1:00- Wall First Strike MyiOwn Fink In.^" -. (1:30) uu am . Off Road o:2o am Street Idaho lI:3U) - ote: Programs will repeat throughout the day, 24 hrs. a day!!! We are on the air 24hrs. a day, 7 days a week!!! Fridays schedule will also be repeated on Saturday and Sunday!!! WE PrRODUCE FOn YOXU! _ I ,, _ ~I~b~3~

pROMP

Nancy by Guy and Brad Gilchrist and Kara Uso

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 13 FEATURES- ...... YEA ...... By The Lun i--tick 1^<ý-> LOO-1- 4e - Li if-I-Ic• T' By The Lunatick "Stony Brook" and which entrance you are at. president because this was a science university Stony Brook what? Shopping mall? and she was not a science person. Nonetheless Ah yes President Kenny. By now everyone So what about the Asian Cultural Center? So she became president. Then she did something knows about her interviewing at Texas. Let's generously donated by Mr. Wang of Computer unprecedented. She extended the add-drop look at all the "Good" she did to this university. Associates. Hey isn't Kenny on the board with period because so many people were having She gave us a beautiful new logo, got money for them? I seem to recall a petition about this trouble with their classes. I was amazed, some- an Asian cultural center. Got rid of all the nice regarding a conflict of interest. Something one who actually cared about the students and grass and trees, and benches, in favor of rocks about having our grad students do some work wanted to help. I thought things were looking and metal tables and a whole bunch of sculp- for Computer Associates. Of cot r this university, that maybe things would tures around campus that resemble modern would not be anything to do with better. I found myself no longer disgust- mishmosh. I would say President Kenny is a ware design. No, of course >y the fact that a non-science person pearl. You all know how pearls are created, Something like this would never ie president. I saw a hope that the person- through constant irritation! pen. Kenny would never use this ui ssues about this university might change. That new logo, how much did it really cost versity to further her own pocket at you might actually be able to speak to a the university? Lets think, of all the vehicles book and interests. After all she is ?rson in administration and resolve an that had the new logo printed on them, all the a mini celebrity. She was in the sue. That we might finally be treated like stationary that was thrown out with the old logo Newsday article about power irst class citizens, instead of whiny brats, (there have to be hundreds of departments, if women and how they dress. Sh( vho have no idea what we are talking not thousands all with their own stationary). would never do something sneak )out. Was I naive or what? Then the new stationary printed up. What do and underhanded like that. Well Shirl ya let me down. That hope they think paper grows on trees (well technical- One of the things I loved about soon turned back to disgust. You ly it does but we don't need to go into it)? Then Stony Brook was how you could be mpressed me with your big plans and the the wonderful signs that were placed at each the middle of the academic mall good you showed in your first semester. entrance (welcome to McUniversity can I take seem to be in the middle of the woo Now you are packing up your bags and your order?). The cost of producing the logo the same time. There were trees and leaving. Good riddance! You remind me itself. Not to mention the cost of removing the clusters of woods everywhere. Now of a poem I read in grammar school: old signs and logos. Probably by the time you are all cleaned out. The benches that "I hope the Romans had painful add all that up it hits the hundreds of thousands resided under the trees that provii bdomens, I hope the Greek's sandals hurt of dollars mark. relaxing spot to eat, do homework < heir feet, Because they started the fuss" I may have hated the U Tree "Son's 'a Bitches" hang out are gone. They have Now you are leaving it to us. logo, but even I have to admit those redwood replaced by those disgusting multicol- signs were distinctive and added class to this ored tables. The only benches left are University. When you saw those signs, espe- the 3 by Humanities. cially the main entrance, you knew you were I remember when Kenny first came to the uni- entering a university. The new signs just say versity. No one thought she would become Hey, Ki'd&I Try your hand at The Press' new contest!

Oversus

The object of this contest is to dream up a fantasy fight to the death between two parties, living or dead, real or imaginary. For instance:

Homer Simpson vs. Chris Farley Bill Clinton vs. Al Gore Sammy Davis Jr. vs. all of the Smurfs Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with one of these fan- tasy battles, and then write a brief description of who would win, and why. The most entertaining entry wins some of the crappy CD's record companies are always sending us.

All entries must be received by December 5th. We reserve the right to do whatever the hell we want to.

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 14 he------FEATURES

The Propagand Problem Tke Com ercialization. of a Campus

By Kenyon Hopkin from our studies? But the key word here is busi- pounds, consisting of close to 1000 business reply ness. And they think we're an easy target. Leave cards. This was only a small fraction of what is out There is an ongoing presence of influence over- the classroom, and the hallway billboards are insis- there on campus. The worst part of the whole thing looked on campus, a force that invades our class- tently plastered with offers for credit cards and is that what we removed has already been rooms and hallways. It is always there, everywhere vacations. "Cancun, Spring Break '98, from $399" replaced. you turn. You've probably been so conditioned to is printed on one flyer. Sure, I want to enjoy my The sneaky individuals who post this stuff either it that it's too obvious to be noticeable. This unsup- Spring Break, but right now I'm trying to concen- rip down legitimate school-related flyers or cover pressed force is called advertising. It seems almost trate on my classes, not to mention graduation. them up to make way for their stinky, slimy corpo- trivial, but it steps over the line when it enters our And I certainly don't have $399 to blow on a trip. rate images. But the people who put this up are academia. These companies should know that college stu- just a pawn in the game. They're doing their jobs. r"•_"-.. .- __.. 1-.. -_- -....11_ 1 ___ l- 1- __ -. .. - . Tdl. . * * )ince you oegan college, aents nave no money. nese enti- They probably get paid for this. And the compa- you have been unable to ties prey on the weak. We're here nies most likely pay the school for the space. avoid it. Every billboard, to learn, not to be tested as vulner- Let's pay them back, shall we? For starters, pull one after the other, holds able. out all those business reply cards or envelopes and the same ugly front. It's in A lesser evil on campus (only toss them in the mailbox. What luck, they're post- your face, sometimes sur- because they don't have a perma- paid! If you're really ticked off, like me, write nasty rounding you, like in the nent home to be posted on), are messages on the form where you put your name lobbies of Harriman Hall what some call "bar ad cards." address, etc. Something like, "Stay out of Stony and the Physics building. Don't dismiss these little, colorful Brook," or "Keep your propaganda to yourself." At the front of the class- marketing gimmicks for local bars Just don't overload one mailbox. It might look i lit- room, next to the chalk- and clubs as harmless. They are tle fishy to the postal service. As for the rest of the board, it's Discover, just as guilty. The only difference is cardboard structures, bring it all down, straight to Kodak, and Columbia that we don't see them on the wall. the trash can. Unfortunately, two days later, they House. Discover wants us We see them on a ledge or tucked magically reappear, resurrected by the mind con- to "Apply Now" and put into a car door in the commuter trol fairies. Not to worry, just stay consistent. ourselves into debt. parking lot. Mostly, however, we They'll get the idea sooner or later. Make way for Getting film developed see them on the ground. In the lots education and campus information. Even for that from Kodak may be a and in front of the Student Union. student trying to sell a car or textbook. Like it says rrlL ....- - . 1 .- . 4-- . ..-la " 1..l'4 - legitimate ousiness, oUL ir inese cardL most1 outen resuli in ilt- on the Discover card ad, "Make a Statement." I need a film developer, I know where to find ter, an issue in itself. The Student Environmental Action Coalition is one. I don't need to see their name every flipping And then there's all the material used to print up responding to the issue above by the preceding day. And we all know what the deal is with the ads. It doesn't look like much, but if you put methods. We've established a flyer stating that the Columbia House. Sign a contract with them for a together everything on campus, you'd have space was reclaimed by the students. Help is need- few free CD's, while they nail you with postage around half a ton. ed to continue this struggle for freedom of our and handling. Five other angry students and I "collected" some minds. SEAC meets Wednesdays at 1 PM, Student What business do they have in distracting us postings a few weeks ago, resulting in a mere 20 Activities Center, 3rd Floor Lounge.

A A4

By Marlo Allison Del Toro ple (those bums from Kelly quad and vicinity) dren, $7.50 for adults, on average). So here is a tell me that, because they pay for the buses, they quick education in the plot of Boogie Nights: This Stop! have a right to be lazy and use the COMMUTER is a movie about the adult film, as in PORN, indus- Ha, made you listen to me. bus to get somewhere that it would only take try in the late 1970s (era of bad clothing) and early Listening, communication, respect: No one five minutes to walk to. I still contend that the 1980s (pre-yuppie). If you are not up for explicit seems to cultivate these qualities. Here's a peek north and south local buses are for the residents, sex scenes (including a full-frontal view of Marky into my life: last week I was reading in the under- especially during peak (as in 30 people on line Mark Walberg's faux 13-inch penis) and all that graduate lounge on the second floor of the waiting) hours. But let's drop that issue; I have a other R-rating generating material, then don't go Humanities Building. A friend of mine came in to new gripe. see this movie. Or, in the very least, don't bitch to discuss homework with me, so we spoke in There are supposed to be four commuter buses me about it. hushed tones to try and minimize the disruption running during the day. So, at any point, one "Oh, my god. I didn't know it was about that!" we may have caused others in the lounge. (For should be at south-P, one at SAC, one heading one older lady said, as she requested a refund. "If those of you who have never tried to read in there, towards SAC, and one heading towards south-P. I wanted to see that I would've just rented a it is never very quiet due to the hallway traffic and So, Kenny Regime, why have I (and the other com- movie," another disgruntled patron said, as her other random noises.) As we spoke, a bitch started muters) had to wait on 50 people lines for 10-15 mother stood open-mouthed in horror. "I to bang her foot on the ground and make shush minutes to get a bus to class? This bull is cheating thought it was supposed to be good," a clueless sounds. In response, my friend said, quite audibly, me out of an education; I need that time for class. woman mumbled, as her husband got passes for "Some people don't have the decency to speak to So put out or get out, Ms. Tex-ass. another time. you face to face. Some people are so rude." And I News flash: loving/liking/disliking/hating a agree. Boogie at your own risk movie is subjective. I could love it (like I loved Okay, so you have a right to read in a relatively A few weeks ago, the movie Boogie Nights Pulp Fiction when I saw that) and you could hate quiet area, but I have a right to be treated with opened in theatres. It got four stars from Newsday. it (like most of our older patrons did). Yes, we will respect. In a movie theatre, or a library, or especial- These are the ingredients for trouble. give you a refund if you come out a half-hour into ly in a hospital, one can expect the people around I work at a local movie theatre, so I've seen and the movie, but we are not responsible for the them to be quiet, and one would be justified in heard a lot of weirdness. Example: The seniors in movie's content, nor do we care if you were unsat- being rude if others were being loud. But, a lounge this area (and elsewhere?) go to see movies because isfied by it. is not a library. "Siskel and Ebert gave it two thumbs up" or Boogie Nights is rated R (as in no one under the In a related incident: if we are on a chartered bus, "Newsday gave it four stars." These people must be age of 17, without a parent or legal adult guardian at 10 a.m., on a two-hour ride, if my friend and I on crack to think that just because a movie got good over the age of 21, with photo/birth date ID, will want to sing we don't have to shut up because you reviews they are going to like it. Rule #1: Don't see be admitted) for: strong sex scenes with explicit want to sleep. Sleep at home. a movie if you don't know what it's about. dialogue, nudity, drug use, language, and violence. Apparently, very few people actually make edu- And no, I haven't seen it, so I don't know if it's all Back to Buses and Respect cated decisions about which movie they are going that bad, or any good at all. In the past couple of weeks, I've had a few peo- to spend their money on ($4.50 for seniors and chil-

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 15 FEATURES ~·~qag --~pe -- c~· - -~b" I -C~ -~~ ------~·L -b-b~··L-L- -_C·-~·--·~B~ - - ~-~ -~·-~I~Pc~~sq~Caa~l~q;~lh - _ -~- c I -

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By James Polichak and research methods). Students' lack of prereq- not so advanced. Less new material is covered, uisites has a number of effects on the content of and everyone is thus less well-prepared for As a teaching assistant and a test-proctor for courses here and on their own performance. other courses, graduate school, jobs, and so on. psychology courses (our largest undergraduate When there are a large number of students who Luckily, many instructors do not do this. major), I've seen a lot of undergraduates lack the prerequisite knowledge for a class, Instead they teach the course, as if everyone progress through their coursework and noticed instructors have two options. They may either had taken the prerequisite courses. This lack something rather disturbing. A good chunk of teach the class as if everyone had taken all pre- of remedial instruction is, of course detrimen- the undergraduate population, at least in psy- requisites, or they may dumb down the class, in tal to those who need it. Thus, those students chology, has very little regard for course prereq- essence spending part of the class who lack the prerequisites struggle more for uisites. Consider this exam- . engaging in remedial instruction. lower grades. nl T'm rcurrPnflr a tIpachincr : llký Instrrctors iuse both of thpese Of course, there can be arguments made for FtJJ.-.. I1L L .%_LAII ... LL, JI t C&L.,L•L%.LLb assistant for PSY 380 (ratlab), >tions to varying degrees. Both skipping prerequisites. Someone who's great at which has PSY 260 (intro to these options have negative math, has gotten As in differential equations, cognition and perception) as fects on the quality of class- etc., may not need to take statistics. This does one of its prerequisites..While >om instruction. not apply to most people who skip their prereq- proctoring an exam for PSY When a course is dumbed uisites. I've seen some of you out there, talked 260 recently, I noticed that lown because large numbers of to you about coursework and given you grades. four out of thirty-two students tudents haven't taken the pre- The simple fact is that most people who don't from PSY 380 were taking the :equisites, all students in the take the prerequisites for a course suffer by hav- exam. This means that ar class suffer. Those who have ing to work harder for lower grades. If you eighth of the PSY 380 student successfully completed the don't have a good grasp of the expected back- must have ignored the prerec prerequisites are forced to lis- ground knowledge, you fail to understand the uisite suggestion. However, ten to material they already new material. If you think the most important only saw half of the PSY 2( know. They suffer through things about a class are the time it meets or students, so our best guess inane questions asked by stu- whether your friends are also in it, go right that there were another four lents who would know better ahead and ignore what I've written. Hopefully, the other room taking the PSY if they had taken the required coursework. (I your instructors will ignore your plight. If you 260 test. This means that a quarter of the people have good sources who will testify that this is value the quality of your overall educational who should have already taken PSY 260 were extremely annoying. It also occurs when idiots experience and that of your peers, when you actually taking it at the same time as PSY 380. don't show up to class and expect to be taught sign up for classes this semester, keep course This says nothing of those who aren't taking and the entire class in a review session or an office prerequisites in mind. The administration and have not taken PSY 260, or of those who haven't hour.) All of this takes up increasingly expensive faculty have designed course sequences for taken the other prerequisites for the course (stats class time, resulting in advanced classes that are your benefit, not theirs. - -- I ~"-·-~-·-arm~-i~*·~f·-r~olrrr~aam;r~.~l~ WUSB 90.1 SP TOP 30 novemBer 17, 1997 1.FaTBOY SLIm: BeTTer LIVinG THrOUGHo.. ( aTraLwerKS) 2.cramps: BIG BeaT From BaDSVILLe (ePITaPH) 3.Brlan jonesTown massacre: Give IT BaCK (BOmP) 4.JULlana HaTFIeLD: PLease DO nOT DISTurB (Bar none) 5.aPHeX Twin: come TO DADDY (sire) 6.STereoLaB: DOTS anD LOOPS (eLeKTra) 7.JOnaTHan Fire eaTer: WOLFSOnGS For LamBS (DreamworKS) 8.BenTLeY rHYTHm ace: srr (aSTraLwerKS) 9.verve: urBan HYmns (virGin) 10.POrTISHeaD: S/T (LOnDOn) 11.BOB DYLan: Time OUT OF minD (COLumBia) 12.PizzacaTO 5: HAPPY enD OF WOrLD (maTaDor) 13.Promise rinG: nOTHinG FeeLS GOOD (JaDe Tree) 14.moCKeT: FanFare (K) 15.caTle CUrTIS: S/T (GuarDian) 16.aPPLeS In sTereo: Tone SOUL eVOLUTIOn (spinarT) 17.TOasTerS: DOn'T LeT THe BasTarDs .. (moonsKa) 18.momUS: 20 VODKa JeLLIeS (Le GranD maJisTrY) 19.BJOrK: HOmoGenic (eLeKTra) 20.COOTieS: LeT'S PLaY HOUSe (TOOTH anD nalL) 21.mODesT mouse: Lonesome crowDeD WesT (UP) 22.DUBSTar: GOODBYe (POLYDOr) 23.BOBS: I Brow CLUB (rounDer) 24.Dwarves: are YOunG anD...(ePITaPH) 25.me FirST: aWFUL FlrenDLY (BroKen reKIDS) 26.COnGO norveLL: aBnormaLs anonymous (JeT seT) 27.reGULaTor wa-TTSs aesTHeTIcs OF no-DraG (DISCHorD) 28.TerrY KITCHen: BLanKeT (urBan camPFire) 29.mOGwal: YOUnG Team (JeT seT) 30.ovarian TrOLLeY: ciao meow (canDYaSS)

ComPiLeODBYKenyon Hwin

THE STONY BROOK PRESS PAGE 16 ~ee~ilaaae~i~laa~L·8~rsrezre~pr~ FEATURES

By Steveoh I do not understand why we give her all this enable you to have a heart attack, dick!" That's Stony Brook Press Alumnus attention. I pay taxes. I vote. My criminal dossier is what she's saying. Yet we glorify her as some sort Writer Emeritus clean. Yet, if I wanted to stop airline traffic, I would of saint. All-Around Good Guy only be kicked off the plane mid-flight if I wanted And she's a feminist. Not that I have anything to land by my lonesome. If I sat Sagainst feminism, but vou could be I hate Barbra Streisand with a passion. Her next to Andre Agassi at a tennis a feminist who battles for equal numerous acheivements (Oscars, Grammys, etc.) match, I would be escorted away. rights, which is great and produc- are far too numerous to mention, and are probably I have no comment about James tive, or you could be a feminist who well-deserved (if you like that shit). I do not Brolin. Why is Joe Q. Civilian battles for woman's superiority, despise her for her immense, obvious talent. I do denied the public vestiges grant- which essentially makes you the not despise her for her immense, obvious nose. I ed upon Ms. Streisand? enemy you are fighting against. She hate her because she is obnoxious and arrogant Why do all her fans insist that just has to prove that a woman is and not worth the publicity given to her. We pay she is beautiful? She is disgusting. better than a man. In 1983, Babs too much attention to her, and it only feeds on her Even taking away the nose became the first woman to direct, annoying ability to be self-serving and overly (which would require a tractor), produce, write, and star in her own "righteous". Why should she be loved and adored she is still grotesque. She dresses picture. That's awesome. That real- and others scorned for the same things? If Barbra drably. Her hair is a messy mop. ly is. Yet, her feministic superiority C11-I • 1-1 1•-•-1 • - - 1 •*A1 . I•I I 1 ,1%/ .1 Streisand were a professional athlete, she would be bne is always tired looking. And I Sside took over as she played Yentl, booed in every stadium across the world. Michael that nose! Do you even classify that as a nose, or as a teenage singing Yeshiva boy. At the time of the Irvin is. Deion Sanders is. Yet Barbra Streisand sets a growth of mammoth proportions? Yet, you read filming, she was 40 years old. Why did she have to attendance records while being a snot. Why is that? and hear, "Barbra Streisand is the most beautiful do that? Why ruin it? You have to cast a boy for the Why do we give a shit if she is sitting courtside woman in the world!" Yeah, that's true in a blind- role of Yentl. But nooo, she has to be Ms. "I Can Do with Andre Agassi? Why do we feel James Brolin is and-deaf world. Anything!" and do it all by herself. I'm personally "lucky"? Why is it that you cannot open the news- And what's with this "It's like buttah!" thing? glad that the movie flopped. Good for her. papers without reading an opinion given by this What does that mean exactly? Let's analyze. Butter I hate Barbra Streisand, and it's a shame. But it's obnoxious woman? Why is she giving speeches in is grease. Butter is pure cholesterol. Butter is all her fault. Go hang out with Celine Dion. front of Congressional houses? Why do we allow unhealthy. So, by saying, "It's like buttah!", what her to stop all airline traffic at Newark Airport so she actually saying is that "It's like a blockage in steveoh's rants can be found at her plane can land? your lungs which will eventually close up and www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/7158

By Jill Baron chose from, so it's possible to avoid the ever- love Jane's Addiction - but not this new-fangled painful chemistry and physics classes. foursome that call itself Jane's Addiction. I yearn Last issue, I graced you with my opinions on The only requirement I agree with is DEC A, for the Jane's Addiction of yesteryear, before Perry such matters as American medicine, Overly which is writing competency. No matter what field ever conceived the idea of Lollapalooza or Porno Critical People, and People Who Don't Wipe Up you go into, having the basic ability to write coher- for Pyros, thus bastardizing the very essence of Their Piss On Toilet Seats. This time, I turn my rav- ently and to be able to organize your thoughts what was Jane's Addiction: raw energy and excite- ings to other, more pressing issues. clearly and express your ideas on paper is impera- ment, with a little punk-style disobedience thrown tive. Communication is something that's important in. The band that now call themselves Jane's Target 1: DEC Requirements. to everyday life, no matter what your chosen Addiction is, in fact, 3/4 Jane's Addiction, 1/2 I've said it before, and I'll say it again -I ain't no career path, if any, is. I also support the argument Porno For Pyros, and 1/2 Red Hot Chili Peppers. scientist. Hence, I severely resent being forced to that it's important to learn about other societies Now, I know I'm no mathematician, but I don't take a math class and not one, but two blasted sci- and cultures, which is something that is not think that adds up to one full Jane's Addiction. Did ence classes. I understand the importance of a stressed enough in American education. Most they even try to contact Eric Avery, the fourth orig- diversified education, but come on. It would be American children are sheltered enough as it is, inal member of the original Jane's Addiction, and one thing if they said, "Just take the math class and and the point of an education is to broaden the arguably the most talented? Even if they did and pass it," but you have to get at least a C to get cred- mind and make us aware of the world around us. he wasn't cool with the reunion idea, a lightbulb it. That's no easy feat for a numerically challenged Well, wouldn't that include the learning of calcu- should have gone off over Perry's head, saying, individual like myself. I always looked forward to lus, one might argue. I'm afraid I can't buy that "wait a minute - if all the original members don't college for one basic thing: freedom. Freedom from argument. Dealing with people who are different want to do a reunion, I probably should realize my parents, freedom from the motherfuckers that I from us and who come from other societies is that it won't really be Jane's Addiction. Maybe we went to high school with and, most importantly, something that all of us have to do at some point in should call ourselves something else, or maybe we the freedom to choose what I wanted to learn our lives. Using calculus, however, is not. I under- shouldn't do it at all." But then again, I guess you about and what course my education would take. stand the desire to expose us to all different facets can't expect much from a man whose daily diet Shortly upon arrival at Stony Brook, however, I of education, but I've taken enough math in my consists of smack and pussy. learned that this would not be the case. I realize twelve years of pre-college education to get more Target 3: Chapstick Addiction that math is important to many fields, and I agree than a taste of it, and enough to realize that math is The first step is admitting you have a problem. that if you are majoring in something involving the something that I want my life to have absolutely Okay, I have a problem. I can't go fifteen minutes sciences, you should be required to take math nothing to do with. I thought college was the time without reapplying some sort of lubricating sub- classes. However, for those of us who are when you were finally able to focus in on what stance to my lips. They say once you become a reli- Sociology or English majors, being forced to take interests you and to start preparing for your career gious chapstick user, your lips stop producing calculus is ridiculous. I know how to add, subtract, of choice. Well, color me happily misinformed. their own moisture, thus causing you to reapply multiply, and divide. I highly doubt that in my Target 2: The Jane's Addiction Reunion more chapstick, thus creating the downward spiral career of social work, I will ever come across some- Some bands know when to quit. Look at Led known as Chapstick Addiction. It's not pretty, kids. thing requiring the knowledge of complex calculus Zeppelin, for example. After their drummer died, Try to ignore the lure of Lipsmakers and Lip Lix formulas. If, for some bizarre reason, I ever do, they disbanded and went their separate ways. and all those other seemingly innocent chapsticks that's what calculators are for, my friend. The bot- They knew it wouldn't be the same without him and lip balms, because once you fall, it's not easy tom line is that I am quite certain that whatever (Yes, critical folks, I remember the whole getting back up. Moderation is the key. I encourage path my life takes, I will get through it without the Plant/Page thing, but the point is that they didn't anyone who's interested in forming a support use of calculus. The science requirement sucks, too, call themselves Led Zeppelin). So, why can't Perry group to contact me at the Press office. Help is only but at least there's lots of branches of science to and Co. take the hint? Now don't get me wrong, I a phone call away.

NOVEm4ER 26, 1997 PAG 17F FEATURES · ' 0.•... X4,, WE8-- - - BEIM AMM 02 on EERM momIm or---uin0 9 I tH IMILALS H I tH EH[ivilLAL By Squirrel nate the giant movie screens that were flashing the you too hyper to breathe correctly, so I don't like it, blinding message "The Brothers are Gonna Work it ya feel like shit afterwards. Saturday the 15th, 11pm: I stand outside the Out" at a break neck pace. I cursed myself aloud, K stands for, well, K. Actually, Special K is a horse Hammerstein Ballroom with a belly full of the Chemical Brothers were gonna play and I had tranquilizer. IT'S MADE FOR HORSES, NOT Razzmatazz liquor in me. Such was the start of the yet to score the required drugs. I ran in a panic HUMANS. DON'T TAKE IT! HIT YOUR SELF night's festivities. I had sold my extra ticket to my through the crowd pushing them aside in search of WITH A CROWBAR FOR THE SAME EFFECT. friend Dana and didn't envy her lack of a jacket as the most elusive of club inhabitants, a dealer. I CID is Acid... I think we all know what that does. a light snow began to fall onto the horde of fans began to think how ironic it was that when I didn't Well, I was fucked on the drug front. I hastily lined up to get inside. have the cash they flocked to me but when I really returned to the front of the stage where me and a For twenty-five dollars, I had deemed that I need it they are nowhere to be found. few dancers made a circle and took turns showing would make this night worth every penny I spent. I had long since lost Dana to the crowd, off our moves. Why? Well, I think that all I had my big raver pants on, a pair of pink glow not that she could have helped me much, dancers think that if you dance better than the sticks in my pocket, and enough money to buy all as all she does is drink (the freak) but felt rest of us losers you'll get laid. So far evidence the stimulants I would require. that if I found her then we could both find has not been substantial. Ohh well, no drugs, We shuffled in and checked my coat and bag drugs for me faster. I searched for her in no women, but some fucking good music. downstairs as the house DJ pumped out a few vain; there were a couple of thousand The Brothers played nearly all of their tracks of Trip-hop techno. I surveyed the people here and she could easily have songs without taking a moment to rest, 'I .. 'I 'I . 1,r l. - -- T left me pretty damn tired. I can't upstairs surroundings, where I was to been attached to any one of them. I which

and ran spend most of the night; people had started back for the stage name what songs they played cause they

some- who mumbled a half hour bo meshed them all into a two-and started rushing in decked out in a dizzy- o atni talk ing array of fashions from punk to hip- thing incoherent in my ear. "WHAT!?!?!" I long symphony of scratches, slides and break hop, to raver scum. I shook my head in screamed over the pounding bass of "Block beats. Their musical skill and imaginative on- disgust as the flock of Trendies in Rockin' Beats." He yelled into my ear this the-fly sequencing astounded one and all Prodigy shirts pushed their way though time "you need E, S,K or CID?" It took me a throughout the night. I could discern individual the crowd to the main floor. Had they no moment to realize what he meant and then songs from the mix, but every few minutes snip- shame? Why would anyone wear such my heart leapt with joy. DRUGS! HE WAS pets of a new one would sneak in and the music coVl tI4icL ddIIIt4 ltl ItLl»4- tCHvi l neLCa atLLI the kVrcr L-II riLt VIof OFFERINC ME DRITGS!!! Ohhh. sweet sal- would change direction, but never let go of the the offendingly- named band's primary rival for vation at last! "How much for E?" I inquired. previous song. pop culture dominance? I couldn't comprehend "Thirty" he grumbled back, looking all too ner- The night wound down and we left for the train their motivations, and thought that to try would vous. I only had twenty on me. Shit, I didn't want station, me to the LIRR and Dana, back to NYU. require a few swift kicks to my cranium, so I K, cause it would knock me out cold. No S, I prefer As I walked home from the train I thought about didn't sweat it too much. not to have my heart explode on me, and what's how sad other techno groups are these days. No Midnight arrived quickly as I blew an hour away the point of acid if it won't kick in until the concert spontaneity, or real innovation at all. Other con- showing off my trance style dancing to a couple of was half over? For those of you who don't have a certs tend to be the same rehashing of the same high-schoolers sitting in a circle by the stage. The clue what the hell the last few sentences mean, let old music you have on CD, but the Chemical opening band had been pretty respectable, I think me break it down for ya. Brothers brought with them a whole new version they were called "Death in Vegas" and I knew that E, which is my drug of choice, is short for Extacy. of every thing you thought you knew about their I had heard them before but couldn't place just It is a blend of natural stimulants and pain-killers, music and techno in general. They're good, where or when. with a little Heroin, crystal-meth, and ampheta- they're great, they're the best at what they do. Weii, enough pondering, the crowd told me, as I mines, stirred gently with a heapin helpin of some- And if you don't go see them next time they play looked up at the sound of 3000 screaming twenty- thing that kicks your endorphins into overdrive. I'll personally smack you upside the head with a somethings. Bright lights began to rise and illumi- S is short hand drug speak for Speed, it makes jagged metal pole.

By Sylvester DiPalmero get out those Cure CD's, and 80's Brat Pack movies ber when you're out there in the sex pool fishing, use and cry and be miserable. But no more than two protection. I know you didn't with him/her because it As I was strolling about campus a few days ago, weeks. It's one thing to feel pathetic, but if it goes was "love" (uh-huh), and he/she would "never" sleep smoking a cigarette, feeling the winter's breath run- longer than two weeks, you are pathetic. with anyone else (yeah, right), but there are still some ning up my pant legs, giving me this nice...well, P.S: In mourning, avoid things like driving past unpleasant and fatal diseases that you can catch out anyway, I noticed how few hands were being held his/her house ten times a day, reading his/her there chumming. So remember, no balloon, no party. anymore. All the smiling, sickening couples from horoscope to get insight about how he/she is PS: I excluded the self-love from here because a the beginning of the semester, groping each other to doing now, or going to that diner that you two warm body is always better than a wet hand, and let us know just how much in love they were, van- always ate at, just in case. There is nothing worse the latter will most likely make you feel more ished. It could only mean one thing. Winter was than seeing the cause of your affliction in the flesh, pathetic than you already do. here. With the death of summer comes the death of only to send you into another two week spiral... cupid's magic. If you are one of those unfortunate 5. Time To Live Again (lucky) people, I have something for you. Here are 3. Hey, Remember Us? Now that you're going to have a lot more free five steps to survive the winter breakup blues. You know those people that you used to hang time on your hands, utilize it to do things you with, go to the Spot with, call more than once a always wanted to, but couldn't since there was this 1. No Way Man, That's My Spice Girls CD month...you know, your friends? Well now is a nagging whiny person in the way. Go on vacation The ceremonial exchange of goods signifies the perfect time to make their acquaintance again. Be to Idaho, start up a new hobby like saving your real end of your relationship. Do it quickly and prepared for the "I told you so"s, or "Oh now that felchings in a jar, or even write stuff for The Press. thoroughly. There is nothing worse than getting it so and so's not around you remember our phone Just remember, your sorry ass is on its own now, done, feeling at ease that it's over and you say to number!" Get out your knife and fork for some so, enjoy! Well, at least until next spring when you yourself, "Oh shit, he/she's got my great-great- tasty humble pie. meet Mr./Mrs. Right, the One, your Soulmate, the great grandmother's hand-knit sweater that she Perfect Man/Woman, the Person Who Completes was wearing when she died." He who hesitates is 4. Don't Get Mad, Get Laid You, etc., etc., etc. shit out of luck. Yes, I know you're angry, and he's/she's an asshole, but anger will get you nowhere, or worse, arrested for 2. Two Weeks, That's All You Get stalking. Use that energy for something more con- You'll definitely need a little mourning period. So structive, like good old fashioned fucking. But remem-

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By Guy Cleveland Stratford-Upon-Avon, where four years of intense "Fear and Loathing in Miami" was a coverage of study earned me a B.S. in Anthropology. I took it to the annual chainsaw fights held in Miami. Rico GOONS IN THE MIST is a series that uses an anthro- America in the hopes of joining a company spe- "Wheels of Death" Enjiro (so called because of his pological approach to study a person on-campus known cializing in global expeditions, but as soon as I missing legs, lost in a chainsaw fight three years as the Goon. The Goon is a great mystery, one of the arrived in America, my British demeanor was ago) steered his chair with one hand and wielded a most unique humans who has ever walked the earth, and taken for a disguise and I was drafted into the vicious Black & Decker with the other, reducing his deserves a great deal of intense scrutiny. Hopefully, this Army. Within the space of two months, I moved opponent to pieces in the third round. study will provide that scrutiny. from London, to North Carolina in the States, and After a while, my journeys took me to then on to South Vietnam. California, where I fell in with Hollywood It appears my colleagues have been receiving a My anthropological studies aided me a good deal cognoscenti and used my skill at hidden observa- great deal of questions about the nature and in Vietnam, where I was fascinated by the cultural tion, learned through years of stealthy anthropo- whereabouts of Guy Cleveland. In order to dispel and ritual rites of the Vietnamese. After being dis- logical study, to train a squad of paparazzi. I any rapidly growing rumors about my person honorably discharged for my preoccupation with spent most of the eighties sniffing coke and (including that upsetting bit of fluff regarding cultural studies, I relocated to New York, where a downing tequila in the basement of the servant's Richard Gere), I will devote this issue to my back- social worker kindly informed me that my status headquarters of a house on Rodeo Drive. ground, and provide a thorough autobiography of as discharged made it nearly impossible for me to That was until last year, when I awoke and decid- my life and times. get work. I decided to go into business for myself! ed I wanted to get another education. To this end, I was born forty-six years ago in Stetson-On- My first anthropological study, "53rd St. I travelled to the State University Of New York at Freida, a small mining village in northern Confidential", chronicled my pursuit of a homeless Stony Brook, drawn by the possibility of studying England. I spent many a pleasurable afternoon insane man who spent every waking moment talk- Shirley Strum Kenny up close and personal. While outside on my lawn, digging frantically in the dirt ing to himself. After spending six months on my I haven't yet had a chance to see what makes the with my little pick, shovel, and pail. An obsession feet behind this fellow, I published my findings in token Texan tick, I have discovered so much more. inspired by my grandfather (one of the first to be Omni -- one of my finest moments. I still don't The Goon is the strangest of all my studies. I had diagnosed with Alzheimer's) inspired me to dig understand the editor's comment ("brilliant work thought the field of anthropological study had through the yard for my father's corpse, which my of urban satire"), but it didn't matter -- I had my been exhausted, but my world has completely grandfather said had been buried there after he foot in the door! changed upon this discovery. My scientific studies had been struck by (pushed in front of, according Then came "Stumpy Hooks: The Farm Accident of the past pale in comparison to this miraculous to my mother) a bus. Kid" which followed the exploits of the spectacu- specimen of genetic deformation and cataclysmic My formative years were marked by a goodly lar Skoal Tobacco Fast Draw contest winner in misfortune. amount of happiness. I was tended to frequently close detail. Stumpy's ability to draw a shoulder- I am writing this on the eve of my biggest chal- by my nanny, whilst my mother paid the bills and holstered pistol in roughly 2.4 seconds--1.6 sec- lenge: penetration of the Goon's lair. I just wit- kept us in beer and skittles. On my 13th birthday, I onds less time than Dick Mustache, the world's nessed him leaving his abode a few moments ago, was shipped off to the Ho Chi Minh School For previous shoulder-holster fast draw--earned him heading for the dining hall with his featureless Developing Young Boys and enjoyed five years of national attention, only to end in disgrace when female friend. Based on previous experience, I quality education in science, math, writing and the judges disqualified his victory on the should have roughly 85-105 minutes of free time reading, and history. grounds that his "deformity & prosthetic recon- before I have to evacuate the premises. Good grades enabled me to attend the University struction gave Stumpy an unfair advantage over This may be my final epitaph. If you are religious, of England at Windsor-On-The-Thames at the other contestants." pray for me. I'm going in.

NOVEMBER 26, 1997 PAGE 19 THE FINAL WORD------..

By Lowell Yaeger mented background explains everything; not only are they from Nashville, but they spent a I guess it's all about metal, then. substantial amount of time on the Amphetamine Reptile label, a haven for indie-rock and punk, but a bit of a stranger to something so easily classifiable as "metal". Musically, the band is at least proficient. When they're not laying down a textured wall of noise with furious shredding and blinding percus- sion, they're spitting out metal riffs hard enough to assuage any fears they may have about get- ting played on popular radio. Skeleton Key The point is moot; upon first hearing Today Is The Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon Day, it's not the music that grabs you, but the Capitol vocals. The lyrics are rather uninspired ("Why hold back/kill yourself/take the blade/do it clean/do it This CD came out a few months ago and gen- fast"), but odds are without looking at the inlay Gummo erated a considerable amount of indie buzz; you'll-never understand them. Taking a tip from Al (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) enough, at least, to score a spot on Lollapalooza's Jourgensen, another arresting vocalist with increas- Interstate/London Second Stage for half the tour. I kick myself for ingly little to say, Steve Austin drenches his vocals having put it on the back burner for so long. with so much distortion that if you took the words Although I haven't seen it, the new film from Next to Dub War, this is the best new band to and squeezed them, Nivek Ogre would drip out. the maker of Kids is supposed to be amazingly emerge from the mire in 1997, and one of the few Not very original, but they play the game well. disturbing, with few positive qualities to amateurs I've heard that has a solid future. A by-the-numbers cover of Black Sabbath's redeem an otherwise uninspired gorefest. So it 4 parts Primus, 4 parts Failure, and 1 part each "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" caps off the album -- comes as no surprise that the dominant musi- The Dave Matthews Band and The Presidents as a bonus track, no less! -- but the delivery is so cal style found on the film's soundtrack is Of The United States Of America, Skeleton Key good that one looks past the cheesiness and lets death metal, which generally fits the descrip- is clever enough to draw these disparate his inner (juveline delinquent) child roam free. tion above. One needs no more than a quick elemtns into a coherent -- if not always enjoy- glance at the back cover to get a good idea of able -- whole. While they haven't gained their what the CD is all about: names like Dark footing securely yet, and still run the risk of Noerd, Bathory, Mortician, Namanax, and heading off in the wrong direction on their next Bethlehem leap off the list like a hail of bad release, this is a very promising release. horror movies. The album opens with the chunky charge of While at first immensely disturbing, what "Watch The Fat Man Swing"; this Claypool- with the bottom-end bass, slow drumming esque approach to songwriting appears on "Nod (read: 20-30 beats per minute), and unintelligi- Off" and "The World's Most Famous ble growls. Sound effects, like the agonied Undertaker". Things take a more depressing screaming that introduces Mortician's "Skin turn on the angstier rock of "Wide Open" and Peeler" and the demented kids of Destroys All "All The Things I've Lost"; the latter finds the Monsters' "Mom's And Dad's Pussy", are added band roaming off into tamer territory, and while Serial Poets to the funhouse mix to give a sharp, initial the unsteady singing and raunchy rhythm sec- Broken Nose shock, and then you quickly realize most of it tion are charming, the resemblence to nauseat- Serial Music has little substance and you can enjoy it for ing WBLI alternarock is not -- an unsettling humor value -- a leap of logic many metalheads characteristic found on "Scratch", "Dear Reader", I have a soft spot for local bands that are just cannot seem to make. However, buried and "The Only Useful Word" as well. starting out, so I'll take it easy on this tape. But amongst the mud are a few tiny gems worth a Overcoming this challenge will mean the differ- if this were a major label release, oh, the field closer look." ence between life and (the Presidents of the day I would have. Namanax's "The Medicined Man" is like a United States of America) death. A hard-rock/metal band with a little bit of Fig Newton -- tastes like death metal, but it's punk sensibility, Serial Poets' demo-tape/EP, only Goth and noise. The shape-shifting Broken Nose, is one of the best recordings of its grindcore of Brujeria, whose "Matanda Gueros kind that I've ever heard. And while the music 97" leavens its brutality with melody and an isn't entirely original, it's still delivered with anthemic chorus before diving headlong into enough talent to inspire a fair amount of respect. the magma for yet another verse; the complex To be fair, the Serial Poets were their influences bass intro that opens the song only cements on their sleeves -- "Sweet 16"'s bass solo is a my opinion of Billy Gould (who plays in dead ringer for the one that opens The Cure's Brujeria when not working with Faith No "Just Like Heaven", which might be an inten- More) as the world's most underrated rock tional jab in order to give the rest of the song, an bassist. Burzum, supposedly in jail for killing anthemic hardcore rant, more strength and heft. his best friend and devouring his brains, "Severe"'s riffs are pure helmet, circa-Meantime, shows a tender side on the synthy "Rundgang 'Tday Is The Day and "Phantom"'s climactic guitar solo makes um die transzendantale Saule der my Temple Of The Morning Star index finger and pinky itch with desire to form Singularitat", which bears no resemblence to Relapse the sign of Satan. But the guitar screech on the chilling black metal he usually produces. "Insect".is pure Jesus Lizard, a band most metal- And Mischa Maisky's "Suite No. 2 for Solo Today Is The Day is kind of like a gang of met- heads haven't heard of, and takes a substantial Cello in D Minor-Prelude", a touching string alheads hanging out at a Young Republican's amount of talent to replicate. They play locally instrumental by a classical artist that closes get-together. Neither fish nor fowl, neither metal and sometimes swing by The Spot, and, while the album like sorbet after a greasy meal. nor punk, Today Is The Day uses aspects of both by no means earth-shattering, certainly warrant to create something that exists between Pantera stopping by. and Skinny Puppy. Once accepted, their frag- * ,-^,'

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