A LENTEN STUDY WITH RICHARD TILLER TRURO ANGLICAN CHURCH • 2017 WEEK 1: OPPORTUNITY
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 1 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: Hebrews 12:1–2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Embracing Opportunities for Peacemaking through Tough Conversations
Andy was angry about being sent away to boarding school, and he lived out in his anger in ways that were self- destructive. He alienated his classmates, flunked his courses, and racked up demerits. When Richard, the senior who was in charge of Andy’s corridor, went to Andy’s room, he realized Andy was near the end of his rope. Andy lit up a cigarette, knowing it would get him suspended—self-sabotage was his mission.
Richard was as fed up with Andy as everyone else. He had no desire to be Andy’s friend, but every now and then he’d gotten a glimpse that there was good in Andy, if only he would let it out. So while Andy smoked his cigarette, Richard told him about the good he had seen in him. “You have a lot to offer, and I hate to see you waste it.”
It was as though Andy had never heard anything good about himself before, and—amazingly—he cried. Richard took Andy’s cigarette and put it out, and both of their lives were changed. Andy went on to become an outstanding student—well respected and a good influence on others. Richard went on to learn that sometimes the most difficult conversations are the ones that can help people make peace, and even sometimes change the course of a life.
Peacemaking is difficult because the situations that require it are difficult. First, there’s the reality that peacemaking usually involves conflict of some kind. Second, there’s the reality that the peacemaking effort may fail, resulting in disappointment piled on top of conflict. It seems like there’s a lot to fear with peacemaking—but it doesn’t have to be that way.
If we could approach peacemaking with strong hearts; if we could feel confident about doing the right thing in the right way; and if we could believe that the effort is be worth it, regardless of the outcome, then we could embrace peacemaking opportunities without fear. It might mean engaging in not just one, but many uncomfortable encounters, because peacemaking rarely happens on its own. It would mean embracing a difficult path for the sake of love—which is exactly what Jesus, the Ultimate Peacemaker, modeled for us.
Jesus showed us the strongest heart of anyone who ever lived. He walked the path of selfless love even when it landed him on a cross. He gave his life to reconcile us to God—to bring us peace—this was “the joy set before Him” for which he endured the agony of death. In this self-giving love we learn the nature of true strength, and we discover a model for our own peacemaking endeavors. By taking up the heart of Jesus, we can come to embrace tough conversations as opportunities to love like God loves us.
In this six-part study we will explore how to become confident in these conversations by applying what the Bible teaches us—how to have “tough conversations with the heart of Jesus.” We will approach these conversations in terms of their potential for achieving resolutions, breakthroughs, and perhaps even transformations.
Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. What is the most challenging aspect of peacemaking for you? What “weighs you down” (Hebrews 12:1) when you think about tough conversations? 2. How does the story of Andy in chapter one encourage you in facing a tough conversation? 3. How could a tough conversation produce a possible resolution, breakthrough, or transformation in a situation you are facing?
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 1: OPPORTUNITY PAGE 1 OF 8 WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 2 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: 1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
Conquering the Fear of Tough Conversations
In Mark 10:17–22, Jesus engages with a rich young man who asks, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” He comes across as the kind of fellow who’s doing everything right. Jesus could have said, “Keep up the good work, and donations are always welcome.” But instead He told the young man the hard truth he needed to hear. He said, “One thing you lack. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” We are then told, “At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.”
This would be a hard conversation for most of us to have, but anything less would have dishonored the young man’s search for truth. Jesus spoke the truth with love, even if it meant disappointing the young man or losing his approval and loyalty. Often we’re tempted to engage in conversations in the way that is safest for us, if we engage at all.
Peacemaking requires full engagement, but often the conversations that lead to peacemaking are the kind we’d rather avoid. One of the main reasons we avoid tough conversations is that we’re afraid of the outcome. We decide avoidance is better than the risk of making the situation worse. But when we avoid the conversation, we forfeit the opportunity to achieve a resolution, breakthrough, or healing. Instead the problem festers and grows, and healing drifts farther out of reach. The fear of tough conversations is an enemy that absolutely must be conquered.
We may try to justify our fears by saying that the other person should be taking the first step, because they are at fault. Or we think we’re just not good at confrontation. Or we believe the other person won’t be receptive—so what’s the use? Or we say we’ll do it, but then keep “waiting until the time is right” because it’s uncomfortable. But it all comes back to the same place: The fear of tough conversations is an enemy that must be conquered.
Fear is natural, but “perfect love casts out fear.” This means that the spirit of love provides the strength we need to embrace tough conversations without fear or anxiety. It means we don’t need to worry about ourselves, and frees us to care for the other person. When you enter a difficult encounter with the heart of a peacemaker—the heart of Jesus—you focus on the well-being of the other person.
This approach is easier than it might seem, because we’re already wired to live this way. This is true of everyone, regardless of their behavior: we’re all wired so that we’re at our best and strongest when we’re focused on the well- being of someone else. We’re at our worst and weakest when we prioritize our own self-interest at the expense of others. This is part of what it means to be made “in the image of God.”
If we’re all wired that way, why don’t we always act that way? Our homes are wired for light, but they may be dark if we don’t use the light. We don’t always use our natural wiring because our minds get cluttered and our values get distorted by fear. However, the good news is that fear says less about who we are than love does. Because we were created in God’s image, our natural disposition to love fearlessly can be restored through the power of God at work in our lives.
Someone who experienced the power of God in his life was the apostle Paul. He wrote, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3–4)
This is how we conquer our fear of tough conversations. We invite the perfect love of God to cast out our fear—be it of conflict, rejection, or failure—and we allow Him to teach us how to forsake selfish ambition and humbly pursue the good of others. This is how we become emotionally strong and “avoid avoidance” when the need arises for a difficult encounter.
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE PAGE 2 OF 8 Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. If you tend to avoid tough conversations, what are the motivations that drive you to do so? 2. Why is the idea that “perfect love drives out fear” so important for facing difficult encounters? 3. Share a story of a time when someone “avoided avoidance” and had a tough conversation for your good.
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE PAGE 3 OF 8 WEEK 3: TOUGH CONVERSATIONS FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 3 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: Matthew 5:43–44
You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.
Feeling Confident in Tough Conversations
Dan and his wife had bought a new home from a builder that Richard worked for. Whenever Dan met with anyone who worked for the builder, he called himself a “master negotiator” (who says that when they’re actually negotiating?), and his goal was always to extract as much as he could from the builder. There seemed to be no line that Dan was not willing to cross, in his behavior or his ethics, to get what he wanted.
Eventually, Richard was asked to deal with Dan. It was difficult for Richard not to lash out at this difficult customer who had been slandering and intimidating his co-workers, but he knew he needed to honor Dan as a fellow human being—without validating his behavior. This meant that despite Dan’s multiple attempts to manipulate and control the situation, Richard did not retaliate. Instead, he remained steadfast but kind.
As the meeting wore on, Dan lost his desire to disrespect the adversary who refused to disrespect him. As far as Richard knows, there was no breakthrough, or transformation with Dan as there had been with Andy, but there was resolution and there was peace. When it was over, no one felt weak or defeated. No one was angry or humiliated. Respect and dignity were maintained.
This conversation illustrates the fact that the best way to gain a position of strength in a tough conversation is to focus on the well-being and dignity of the adversary, whether the “adversary” is a loved one, a difficult customer, or an enemy. This approach may not take the conversation in the direction everyone wants it to go, especially if they want different outcomes. But it will take the conversation in the direction it needs to go.
This is called peacemaking, and it is the opposite of “winning through intimidation.” When our goal is reconciliation, we don’t want the other person in the encounter to be afraid, shamed, or to feel as though he or she has “lost”. We want them to feel the same peace and strength that we feel. We want them to feel confident in their hope for the best outcome for everyone—a win-win outcome. A tough conversation is most successful when there’s no fear on either side.
This means that a peacemaking encounter is often a form of ministry. When we approach these tough conversations as ministry, we find our position of strength more easily. It is not strength in the sense of conquest, but in the sense of confidence for gaining the best resolution. We also find the kind of love that conquers fear when we focus on the well-being and dignity of the other person instead of our own. If we view difficult encounters not as armed showdowns but as opportunities to bless our adversaries, a surge of strength and energy rushes forth that we would not otherwise experience.
Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. How would you define a position of strength for a tough conversation? 2. Describe “winning through intimidation” vs. the strength of love and self-giving. 3. In what ways has God called you to the ministry of peacemaking?
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 3: TOUGH CONVERSATIONS FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH PAGE 4 OF 8 WEEK 4: A HEART FOR TOUGH CONVERSATIONS
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 4 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: Colossians 3:12–14
Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
What a Heart for Tough Conversations Looks Like
The apostle Paul is a real-life example of how a hater of Jesus can be transformed into a person with the heart of Jesus. After he committed his life to Jesus, he faced difficult encounters in many dimensions of peacemaking: conflict resolution, reconciliation, mediation, restoration, and redemption. He engaged in tough conversations with those who loved him and those who hated him. Through it all he sought to live out the heart of Jesus. He expressed a heart for peacemaking beautifully when he wrote these words in the book of Colossians.
These verses are not merely a utopian vision. They offer practical advice for difficult encounters. All of the qualities Paul lists here apply to peacemaking in general and to difficult encounters specifically, but let’s take a closer look at two of them: compassion and forgiveness.
Compassion is a special form of love because it is not merely a feeling of sympathy or empathy, but the desire to act on that feeling in order to provide relief for someone else. When Jesus had compassion for someone, He took action to heal, help, or direct them. He not only felt bad about their suffering, He went about the business of relieving that suffering. Compassion is active, not passive.
Jesus showed compassion in action when He intervened as a peacemaker between a woman caught in adultery and the mob who wanted to stone her. He confronted the mob firmly but lovingly when He said, “If any of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). Then He confronted the adulteress firmly but lovingly when He said, “Has no one condemned you? . . . Then neither do I condemn you . . . Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:10–11).
When you enter a tough conversation with a heart for relieving the suffering of your adversaries, it will deepen your connection with them and allow you to actively seek their good. This compassion can change the outcome of your encounter dramatically.
This is also true of forgiveness: when we enter tough conversations with a heart of forgiveness, we achieve a position of strength. Just as God has wired us to be stronger when we are focused on the well-being of others more than ourselves, He has also wired us so that we are stronger when we forgive than when we cling to our grievances or seek revenge. When we choose not to forgive, we increase the adversary’s power over us. We allow offenses to eat away at us, making the effect of those offenses worse. We increase and prolong our own suffering.
A heart for tough conversations, however, focuses on what we can bring to the conversation instead of what we can take from it. We can choose to offer compassion and forgiveness regardless of what we get in return. This is a skill we can practice, but it is first and foremost a disposition of the heart. Success in tough conversations comes first from our hearts and second from our skills. The right heart makes the right skills come more naturally.
Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. In what way does the “heart for tough conversations” described in this lesson encourage you to face difficult encounters more confidently? 2. Share a time when someone extended compassion and forgiveness to you. 3. What are some obstacles in your life to extending compassion and forgiveness to your adversaries? What tends to hold you back?
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 4: A HEART FOR TOUGH CONVERSATIONS PAGE 5 OF 8 WEEK 5: WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 5 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good; for at a proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Love Comes Back to Life in a Tough Conversation
Aunt Judy, a widow, helped raise her nieces Michelle and Beatrice from their elementary school days until they left for college. After both girls graduated from college, Aunt Judy was diagnosed with ALS. Beatrice had moved back home after college and worked part-time, so she was able to care for Aunt Judy in the last eighteen months of her life.
Aunt Judy loved birds, and her late husband had enjoyed wood carving—so one year he carved a different bird for every one of the twelve days of Christmas and gave them to her as a Christmas present. Aunt Judy also had a beautiful diamond necklace valued at $30,000. She left these two treasures to her two nieces in her will: Michelle loved expensive things, so Aunt Judy left the necklace to her. Beatrice cherished those birds and the story behind them almost as much as Judy had, so Judy left the birds to Beatrice.
Michelle was embarrassed that her gift was so much more extravagant than Beatrice’s. But then she thought that maybe wise Aunt Judy had seen into the hearts of both girls. She must have given to each according to what their hearts desired instead of according to financial value. But Beatrice was crushed and angry. She said, “I took care of her more than anyone else did, and it didn’t mean a thing.”
Michelle was stunned by Beatrice’s bitterness, because it seemed out of character for her little sister. She seemed to have no desire to continue in relationship with Michelle as before. Both parents encouraged Beatrice to talk with Michelle, but Beatrice just kept saying everything was fine—there was nothing to talk about. When either parent tried to dig deeper, she put up a wall. The situation was uncomfortable for everyone in the family, and it went on for months. No one knew what to do, so everyone retreated into avoidance mode. Michelle’s visits home became less frequent since Beatrice still lived there. But Michelle finally realized that if there were to be a reconciliation, she would have to initiate it. She was not willing to accept the “new normal.”
The sisters’ conversation was not an easy one. It took Michelle many attempts to connect with Beatrice—to show her compassion and extend grace—before Beatrice finally melted. Eventually, repentance and forgiveness were exchanged and a true reconciliation had happened. However, it was not effortlessly won but the result of many months of thoughtful engagement and grace.
Each of our peacemaking stories will be different because each situation is unique. However, here are a few common themes to keep in mind as you discern the path forward in your own stories. 1. Speak the truth in love. Truth without love is cruel, and love without truth is false. 2. Focus on the well-being of your adversary. The goal, remember, is not to “win” but to minister to the other person. 3. You do not have to be an expert. As you engage in more tough conversations, your skill-set will grow, but the most important ingredient of any peacemaking encounter is the heart. Trust that the rest will fall into place. 4. Even if it looks like it’s going badly, it can be turned around. Sometimes what seems like a failure at first might actually be a victory in infancy, or a seed planted that will be watered at a later time. Trust in God for the outcome.
Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. What can you relate to from the story of Beatrice and Michelle? 2. What do you think about the four themes listed above as you consider peacemaking opportunities in your own life? 3. Share a story from our own life in which a seeming failure actually turned out to be a victory.
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 5: WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE PAGE 6 OF 8 WEEK 6: TAKE IT AWAY!
If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 6 in preparation for this discussion.
Scripture: Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Welcoming Your Next Peacemaking Opportunity
Imagine yourself in this situation:
Two years ago you started your own business. You offered your best friend Jonathan the opportunity to invest in it. He believed in your great idea, and he believed in you. Seeing tremendous potential to make a lot of money as an investor, he invested half of his savings. Then, because he was so optimistic, he began spending more than he was earning, which depleted his savings further.
Six months ago your business failed, and you both lost everything you’d invested. You now realize you oversold the opportunity to Jonathan, and you feel responsible for the financial hardship he and his family have suffered. He blames you and demands that you help him with his mounting financial problems. You don’t have money to give him, and he becomes harshly bitter. He tries to damage your reputation with nasty gossip. Now you feel bitter toward him.
As you think back on all of the wonderful times you shared as best friends, and the pain of loss you now feel, you believe Jonathan must be feeling something similar. You don’t want it to end this way. You want to make peace with him. You want to restore the relationship that meant so much to both of you. You don’t want to live the rest of your life with the bitterness you feel now, and you don’t want Jonathan to live that way either.
What will you do? Trying to reconcile now will probably require a tough conversation. As you reflect on this (simulated) scenario, try to name your feelings. Fear? Anxiety? Anger? These are the places in your own heart where God can bring transformation. As you allow Him to heal you, you’ll find yourself more and more becoming an instrument of healing in the lives of others. You will become the kind of person who can have tough conversations successfully.
As you go from here, make a resolution to embrace the opportunity for transformation—both your own and that of others—that tough conversations provide. Do not avoid or run from them because of fear. Rather, choose to take a step of selfless love in the face of fear and watch it lose its power in your life.
The truth is that conflict will arise in our lives no matter what. We can choose to avoid tough conversations, but that is not strength. Conversely we can choose to engage in them with an iron fist of anger, seeking to “win through intimidation,” but that is false strength. Or we can choose to practice the self-giving love we receive in Christ; the kind of love that lays down life for one’s enemies. That is true strength. Whatever you believe about who Jesus is, think simply of the fact that He is considered by many to be the most influential person in history. His heart of love has changed the world, and it can absolutely change yours.
Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching?
For Further Study or Reflection 1. What are some of your biggest takeaways from this series? 2. In what areas do you still need transformation in the area of peacemaking? 3. Do you have a relationship you are hoping to restore, or any other kind of peacemaking effort you need to pursue?
TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 6: TAKE IT AWAY! PAGE 7 OF 8 FILM AND LITERATURE
This is a small list of film and literature that provide another way to engage on the topic of reconciliation. Various members of the congregation suggested these resources, but we encourage you to review the books or films in advance to decide what is right for you. Many other wonderful resources are out there that illustrate themes of reconciliation and forgiveness. If you have any other suggestions, post them on The City to share them with others.
FILM CHILDREN’S FILM/TV Gran Torino (R) Disney’s Pinocchio Groundhog Day (PG) Disney’s Beauty and the Beast It’s a Wonderful Life (PG) Torchlighters: Corrie Ten Boom Les Misérables (PG-13) Daniel Tiger—Episodes: A Beautiful Life (Foreign—China, Unrated) Daniel Gets Mad (Season 1) Shawshank Redemption (R) Daniel Uses His Words (Season 3) October Sky (PG) Daniel Says I’m Sorry (Season 3) The Mission (PG-13) In Her Shoes (PG-13) CHILDREN’S BOOKS/LITERATURE Music of Strangers (Documentary) Aesop’s Fables: The Bundle of Sticks The Railway Man (R) The Young Peacemaker by Ken Sande (curriculum) As We Forgive (Documentary) Kidsofintegrity.com The Hiding Place (PG) Amazing Grace (PG) Joyeux Noel (Foreign—French, PG-13) TWEENS AND TEENS Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (Unrated) Heroes of History (10+) Big Fish (PG-13) Clara Barton Louis Zamperini William Wilberforce LITERATURE Shiloh Season (PG) Unbroken—Laura Hillenbrand 11 Birthdays—Wendy Mass The Hiding Place—Corrie Ten Boom The Year the Swallows Came Home Early— Les Misérables—Victor Hugo Kathryn Fitzmaurice Persuasion—Jane Austen Torchlighters: Corrie Ten Boom A Christmas Carol—Charles Dickens Gilead trilogy—Marilynne Robinson CHILDREN Heroes for Young Readers series (5–10 years) The Peace Tree from Hiroshima—Sandra Moore Berenstain Bears—Stan and Jan Berenstain
TRUROANGLICAN.COM FILM AND LITERATURE PAGE 8 OF 8