A LENTEN STUDY WITH RICHARD TILLER TRURO ANGLICAN CHURCH • 2017 WEEK 1: OPPORTUNITY If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 1 in preparation for this discussion. Scripture: Hebrews 12:1–2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Embracing Opportunities for Peacemaking through Tough Conversations Andy was angry about being sent away to boarding school, and he lived out in his anger in ways that were self- destructive. He alienated his classmates, flunked his courses, and racked up demerits. When Richard, the senior who was in charge of Andy’s corridor, went to Andy’s room, he realized Andy was near the end of his rope. Andy lit up a cigarette, knowing it would get him suspended—self-sabotage was his mission. Richard was as fed up with Andy as everyone else. He had no desire to be Andy’s friend, but every now and then he’d gotten a glimpse that there was good in Andy, if only he would let it out. So while Andy smoked his cigarette, Richard told him about the good he had seen in him. “You have a lot to offer, and I hate to see you waste it.” It was as though Andy had never heard anything good about himself before, and—amazingly—he cried. Richard took Andy’s cigarette and put it out, and both of their lives were changed. Andy went on to become an outstanding student—well respected and a good influence on others. Richard went on to learn that sometimes the most difficult conversations are the ones that can help people make peace, and even sometimes change the course of a life. Peacemaking is difficult because the situations that require it are difficult. First, there’s the reality that peacemaking usually involves conflict of some kind. Second, there’s the reality that the peacemaking effort may fail, resulting in disappointment piled on top of conflict. It seems like there’s a lot to fear with peacemaking—but it doesn’t have to be that way. If we could approach peacemaking with strong hearts; if we could feel confident about doing the right thing in the right way; and if we could believe that the effort is be worth it, regardless of the outcome, then we could embrace peacemaking opportunities without fear. It might mean engaging in not just one, but many uncomfortable encounters, because peacemaking rarely happens on its own. It would mean embracing a difficult path for the sake of love—which is exactly what Jesus, the Ultimate Peacemaker, modeled for us. Jesus showed us the strongest heart of anyone who ever lived. He walked the path of selfless love even when it landed him on a cross. He gave his life to reconcile us to God—to bring us peace—this was “the joy set before Him” for which he endured the agony of death. In this self-giving love we learn the nature of true strength, and we discover a model for our own peacemaking endeavors. By taking up the heart of Jesus, we can come to embrace tough conversations as opportunities to love like God loves us. In this six-part study we will explore how to become confident in these conversations by applying what the Bible teaches us—how to have “tough conversations with the heart of Jesus.” We will approach these conversations in terms of their potential for achieving resolutions, breakthroughs, and perhaps even transformations. Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching? For Further Study or Reflection 1. What is the most challenging aspect of peacemaking for you? What “weighs you down” (Hebrews 12:1) when you think about tough conversations? 2. How does the story of Andy in chapter one encourage you in facing a tough conversation? 3. How could a tough conversation produce a possible resolution, breakthrough, or transformation in a situation you are facing? TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 1: OPPORTUNITY PAGE 1 OF 8 WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 2 in preparation for this discussion. Scripture: 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. Conquering the Fear of Tough Conversations In Mark 10:17–22, Jesus engages with a rich young man who asks, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” He comes across as the kind of fellow who’s doing everything right. Jesus could have said, “Keep up the good work, and donations are always welcome.” But instead He told the young man the hard truth he needed to hear. He said, “One thing you lack. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” We are then told, “At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.” This would be a hard conversation for most of us to have, but anything less would have dishonored the young man’s search for truth. Jesus spoke the truth with love, even if it meant disappointing the young man or losing his approval and loyalty. Often we’re tempted to engage in conversations in the way that is safest for us, if we engage at all. Peacemaking requires full engagement, but often the conversations that lead to peacemaking are the kind we’d rather avoid. One of the main reasons we avoid tough conversations is that we’re afraid of the outcome. We decide avoidance is better than the risk of making the situation worse. But when we avoid the conversation, we forfeit the opportunity to achieve a resolution, breakthrough, or healing. Instead the problem festers and grows, and healing drifts farther out of reach. The fear of tough conversations is an enemy that absolutely must be conquered. We may try to justify our fears by saying that the other person should be taking the first step, because they are at fault. Or we think we’re just not good at confrontation. Or we believe the other person won’t be receptive—so what’s the use? Or we say we’ll do it, but then keep “waiting until the time is right” because it’s uncomfortable. But it all comes back to the same place: The fear of tough conversations is an enemy that must be conquered. Fear is natural, but “perfect love casts out fear.” This means that the spirit of love provides the strength we need to embrace tough conversations without fear or anxiety. It means we don’t need to worry about ourselves, and frees us to care for the other person. When you enter a difficult encounter with the heart of a peacemaker—the heart of Jesus—you focus on the well-being of the other person. This approach is easier than it might seem, because we’re already wired to live this way. This is true of everyone, regardless of their behavior: we’re all wired so that we’re at our best and strongest when we’re focused on the well- being of someone else. We’re at our worst and weakest when we prioritize our own self-interest at the expense of others. This is part of what it means to be made “in the image of God.” If we’re all wired that way, why don’t we always act that way? Our homes are wired for light, but they may be dark if we don’t use the light. We don’t always use our natural wiring because our minds get cluttered and our values get distorted by fear. However, the good news is that fear says less about who we are than love does. Because we were created in God’s image, our natural disposition to love fearlessly can be restored through the power of God at work in our lives. Someone who experienced the power of God in his life was the apostle Paul. He wrote, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3–4) This is how we conquer our fear of tough conversations. We invite the perfect love of God to cast out our fear—be it of conflict, rejection, or failure—and we allow Him to teach us how to forsake selfish ambition and humbly pursue the good of others. This is how we become emotionally strong and “avoid avoidance” when the need arises for a difficult encounter. TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE PAGE 2 OF 8 Response: What is Jesus saying to you through this teaching? For Further Study or Reflection 1. If you tend to avoid tough conversations, what are the motivations that drive you to do so? 2. Why is the idea that “perfect love drives out fear” so important for facing difficult encounters? 3. Share a story of a time when someone “avoided avoidance” and had a tough conversation for your good. TRUROANGLICAN.COM WEEK 2: AVOID AVOIDANCE PAGE 3 OF 8 WEEK 3: TOUGH CONVERSATIONS FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH If you are reading the book along with the study, read Chapter 3 in preparation for this discussion.