ARTEMIS: Epilogue. 6 Months Later. ​ AGS FLORENTINE: Hi Artemis, this is Ags Florentine from Connor ​ Creek giving you a call. Now you will not believe what has happened...I’ve discovered that I am a true lover of podcats! I’m not gonna lie, when you came to town and said you were making a podcat, I hadn’t a lick of sense what you meant. Especially since you didn’t even ask to meet my twelve pussycats! But after Desmond ​ ​ explained it all to me, I decided I had to check it out for myself. Young Donald helped set me up one of those computer phones, and I found your little show! I wish you had portrayed our town in a slightly better light, but I suppose, like I say: all press is good press. Ya hear that, Olive Garden?? We got press! Now, what I really need to know is should I sign up for Stamps dot com? That might be good to sell our Connor Creek keychains online, right? I’d rather not go to the post office anymore. It hasn’t been the same since dear Odie Doty left us, may he Rest In Peace. Could be a little boost for the economy! Ugh. Look at me, I’m just gab-gab-gabbing away! I can’t stop! Now why was I calling...Oh! Yes! Schue-Horyns, Connor Creek is not finished with you yet!

{WAYWARD GUIDE OPENING THEME MUSIC}

ARTEMIS: From the American Podcasting Network, this is a special bonus episode ​ of The Wayward Guide for the Untrained Eye. I'm Artemis Schue-Horyn. ​ ​ PAUL: And, as always, she’s joined by her Darth Sibling, Emperor Paul-patine. ​ ARTEMIS: First up, we want to thank all you listeners for your overwhelming ​ support of Wayward Guide Season 2! ​ ​ ​ ​ PAUL: Within a month, Wayward Guide Season 2 became the most downloaded show in ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ APN history! And we were nominated for an iHeart Radio Podcast Award?? I didn’t even know that was a thing!! All because of you!

ARTEMIS: And no one was more surprised than us. ​ PAUL: Well except, maybe Lesly. He did not expect this. ​ ​ ​ ARTEMIS: He most definitely did not. And while APN has not officially greenlit ​ ​ ​ a new season of Wayward Guide, your incredible response has been hard for them ​ ​ to ignore. So, thank you.

PAUL: That said, we weren’t quite ready to close the book on this season yet. ​ And apparently, neither was Connor Creek.

AGS: The reason I’m reaching out to you two love-bugs: is to ​ officially invite you back to town for a little memorial service

we’re holding next month to commemorate our fallen comrades! Yaaay! However, I feel the urge to admit that I still partially blame you both for the nightmare hellscape that was unleashed upon our town by that monster Truman Hensley. So when they wanted to invite you, I pushed back hard. BUT...most of the town wants you here and my ​ ​ recent experimentation with ayahuasca has forced me to confront my issues with resentment head on, so, as they say, “When you’re here, you’re family!”--Oop! I’m getting the little voice saying I gotta put in another quarter or they’ll disconnect me! Time flies when you’re catching up, girlfriend! Alright. Tell you what, just BBM me your number and I’ll fax you the details as soon as I can. Alright!

ARTEMIS: No, neither Paul nor I have a blackberry. And, yes, Ags did find a way ​ to fax us the memorial information.

PAUL: Which is how, six months after saying goodbye, we found ourselves back in ​ that little town hidden away in the California mountains, catching up with some old friends. And don’t worry Lesly: we paid for it out-of-pocket.

ARTEMIS: Compared to our last visit, this was practically a vacation. ​ DONNY MEADOWS: Boy, am I glad to see you, guys! So happy you could ​ fit us into your busy schedules.

PAUL: Busy schedules! Yeah...we have those. ​ ARTEMIS: Donny, this is the most chipper I’ve seen you...ever. ​ PAUL: I don’t know if I like it. ​ DONNY: Well, you two are to blame for that! Because of all the ​ Wayward Guide listeners, my WolfWear line has skyrocketed in ​ popularity. At first I was mailing orders from my house, but now I've expanded and created a fulfilment center in the old Miner Mole offices.

ARTEMIS: That’s great! ​ PAUL: Can I get one of those sweet hoodies? ​ DONNY: Of course! Anything for my benefactors! I’ll get you a 10% ​ off coupon for anything you want in the e-store.

PAUL: (underwhelmed) Oh. Ok. Thanks. ​ ​ ​ DONNY: Oh! And my business success has also connected me with ​ thousands of potential lovers. It’s on this new dating app site I’m trying called Linkedin!

ARTEMIS: Everything looked the same, but the town had totally transformed since ​ we last set foot there. The mood was jubilant. The pre-existing animosity we

discovered when we first arrived seemed to have dissipated following Truman’s exit.

RILEY KIRKLAND: Hey, you sons of guns! ​ OLIVIA TOMPKINS: (simultaneously) Hey, you sons of witches! ​ ​ ​ ARTEMIS: Riley and Olivia met us with some...breaking news. ​ OLIVIA: Ever since you left town we’ve been thinkin’: Why is it ​ that we, two lifelong best friends who own two businesses that ought to just be one business, have never talked about being partners?

PAUL: Woah! Is love in the air? ​ RILEY: Well, yeah, that’s a given. We have been in a glorious ​ domestic partnership for years. What we’re ACTUALLY announcing is that we’re going to be business partners! Starting next week, we will officially be reopening as Kirkland-Tompkins Weapons and Ammunition Depot!

ARTEMIS: Well, it’s about time! I bet you’ll cut back on a ton of ​ overhead.

OLIVIA: Exactly. Plus, now we’ll get to spend practically every ​ waking moment together. You’ll never see us apart again! Because there’s nothing I like better than shootin’ the crap with my Riley.

RILEY: And there’s nothing I like better than shootin’ at crap with ​ ​ ​ my Olivia. But don’t you worry, our operational policies will remain the same in this new venture. We still won’t require any ID or background checks to buy a gun.

PAUL: As we moved down Center Road en route to the memorial, the town was ​ buzzing with a level of excitement not seen since Election Day. People were entering and exiting shops, stopping on the street to chat with friends. And some of them were even chatting with no one.

{JEREMIAH PREACHES INTO A MICROPHONE}

JEREMIAH STILLWATER: Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not covet; ​ and if there be-ith any other commandment, it is this: Thou shalt come to the church this Sunday and hang ten with the Lord, baby!

ARTEMIS: Hey, Jeremiah! ​ JEREMIAH: Ah, Miss Schue-Horyn. Not yet wed, I see. Well, Paul ​ whenever you decide to “put a ring on it,” as they say, I am more than happy to officiate the nuptials.

PAUL/ARTEMIS: We’re not...forget it. ​

ARTEMIS: How’s the soul saving business? ​ JEREMIAH: Fantastic! Get this: last week I had 6 congregants and ​ one baptism. And I owe it all to...playing the guitar during services. I’m a cool priest now.

PAUL: Wooow. Congrats, dude. ​ JEREMIAH: Thank you, my dude. It seems I had been going about this ​ ​ ​ the wrong way. Excuse me, but I must continue to rock out with my frock out.

{JEREMIAH POORLY STRUMS AND SINGS “PINBALL WIZARD” WITH NEW LYRICS}

JEREMIAH: Ahem...ok...Sorry, hold on...Hold on, sorry....(singing) ​ ​ ​ Ever since I was a young boy, I prayed to Lord My God! From Hail--From Hail Mary to the Lord’s Prayer, I must’ve prayed ‘em all!

PAUL: If music be the food of spiritual awakening through ​ self-acceptance...then play on!

ARTEMIS: After the residents of Connor Creek spent so long defining themselves ​ by their differences, it was really touching to see them come into their own, proudly accepting each other's quirks.

MARY JO WALKER: You’ll be happy to know we’ve continued our own ​ investigation in your absence. It was about time you backed off and made way for the professionals.

ARTEMIS: We stopped by the flower shop to talk to Mary Jo and Ellis about their ​ new hobby.

ELLIS WALKER: That’s right. I am now filling Barney’s time on the ​ radio station.

MARY JO: Someone’s finally bringing some sense to the airwaves. And ​ the Ellis Files were so successful that we decided to go right ahead and greenlamp a Season 2. ​ ​ ARTEMIS: Hmm. What metrics are you using to judge your success? ​ MARY JO: Pffff. Why, gut feeling, of course. ​ ELLIS: You can’t trust anything but your gut. Isn’t that right, ​ honey?

MARY JO: That’s right, honey. ​ ELLIS: Since you’re here...might as well give you a quick little ​ taste of what’s coming up. Promise you won’t steal it.

PAUL: We definitely promise. ​

ELLIS: Okie Dokie. (putting on his Ellis Files voice) This season ​ ​ ​ on the Ellis Files: They say that the werewolves were just an illusion. The combination of drugs and fear. But I’m not so sure. They were wrong before, so why couldn’t they be wrong again? (drops ​ voice) I’m talking about you two. (resumes) While the town was ​ ​ ​ looking one direction, nobody realized the real threat lurking in our basements. Something far more dangerous. Far more cunning. Far more murderous. “I vant to suck your blood”? Ellis Files: The Vampires of Connor Creek. (He hums the Ellis Files Theme) ​ ​ ​ ARTEMIS: Six months ago, I probably would’ve completely written Ellis off. But ​ you know what? I’ll subscribe! I should listen to more comedy podcasts. And as long as no one gets hurt, there’s no harm in being a little...out there.

PAUL: Even the most stubborn of us have the capacity to change! ​ ARTEMIS: Rude! ​ PAUL: I wasn’t talking about just you! Take, for instance, our visit to the ​ ​ ​ Dead Canary.

ARTEMIS: Whoa, this place looks so different inside. It’s so much ​ more...

DESMOND: Refined? ​ PAUL: Desmond? Aww, hell yeah! ​ DESMOND: Artemis. Paul. The old look was a little rough around the ​ edges, huh? Welcome to the new and improved Dead Canary.

PAUL: I dig it, man. Tablecloths. Silverware. This is a date night ​ place, now!

ARTEMIS: And what are you doing out from behind the bar? It’s weird ​ to see your lower half.

DESMOND: Well, truth be told. I did a lot of thinking after our ​ little run in with Ms. Hensley. It felt like it was time for a change. So, I no longer work here. In fact, I sold the place to--

QUINN CASSIDY: To me! Executive chef and owner, Quinn Cassidy. ​ Bonjour, bienvenue. Welcome. Do you have a reserva--Oh. It’s you two.

ARTEMIS: Hey, Quinn. We love the remodel! ​ QUINN: You’re not here to review are you? Zagat said they were ​ coming next week. Not that I need them when I have this beauty. ​ ​ PAUL: Is that a Michelin star?? ​

QUINN: Indeed it is. Connor Creek is now on the culinary map. James ​ Beard Award, here I come!

ARTEMIS: So Desmond, what are you doing with all your time now that ​ you’ve given up your role as proprietor and all around town dad?

DESMOND: You may find this surprising seeing as you knew me at a ​ very, um, transitional point in my life. But I’m actually campaigning to run for Town Council in the next election. Mmm-hmm. It looks like there’s an opening for someone who wants to do some good in this town.

ARTEMIS: I’m proud of you. ​ DESMOND: Well, like a wise woman quoting a tweeter, once said: ​ Apathy is everyone’s enemy...Oh man! That was pretty good. Just, uh, lemme know when you start recording and I can say it again.

PAUL: I love this for Desmond. It’ll be so great to have a friend on the town ​ council working for his community. And also working for me. Because I’m still contesting all the tickets from last time we were here...

{CROWD CHATTERING}

AGS: Gather round! Gather round friends! The unveiling of the ​ Heroes of Connor Creek Monument is starting--Hey! Donny! Shut your mouth. We’re starting. Aubrey?

AUBREY DOCKWEILER: Thank you, Agnes for that...um...good-natured ​ and thorough introduction. We are gathered here today to remember our neighbors, co-workers, and most importantly, our friends who perished earlier this year during the Great Psychedelic Werewolf Disaster.

ARTEMIS: As the townsfolk assembled outside the Dead Canary, just yards from ​ where we found Ryan dead, what feels like a lifetime ago, I could see the large monument covered in tarps. Still hidden, it looked like several human sized shapes.

PAUL: I’m going to be honest, at first I thought the mortician, Rita, had ​ finally realized her taxidermy dream of embalming all the victims and putting them on display. A grotesquely gothic masterpiece.

ARTEMIS: And knowing the eccentricities of Connor Creek, that wouldn’t ​ necessarily be out of the question. Luckily, it was something far less distasteful. In fact, it was lovely.

AUBREY: And so, it is with great pleasure as the historian of this ​ town to not only memorialize our fallen friends with words, but also with the dedication of this silver fountain that was made possible by the hard work and generous contributions of all of you, so that their memories may live on in each of us.

{“OOO’S” and “AHH’S” AS THE MONUMENT IS REVEALED}

AGS: I mean, gold would have been nicer, but good enough. ​ AUBREY: Let us remember Barney Fletcher, Odie Dodie, the Irons ​ Family: Cliff, Rocky, & sweet Jewel, Bethany Hurst...Wait, who was that...? Oh! Yes! Prism! And, of course, Connor Creek will never forget, the magnanimous, Ryan Reynolds.

ARTEMIS: The fountain was beautifully designed and the craftsmanship of the ​ metals made it clear that this was a town that knew silver; how to shape the raw material into a work of art. It featured life size portrayals of the victims in poses encapsulating their personalities: Odie, mid-lunge with mailbag in tow. Barney proudly grasping his egg above his head. The Irons Family with somber expressions, posed around a single shovel like the Connor Creek American Gothic. Prism--I mean, Bethany--sitting cross-legged and levitating above the waterline. And finally Ryan, looking like the hero we now knew him to be. With a smile on his face, hands on his hips, and his birkenstock-clad feet planted firmly in a defiant stance. All of them connected as one in a somber symbol of the unity that rose from the ashes of past conflicts. After the crowd had a moment to take it in, Desmond flicked a switch on the back of the fountain, and the monument burst to life.

Water came gushing out of the most surprising places: fingers and mouths, shovels and eggs. The magnificent geysers cascaded down the metallic statues and into the bubbling pool below.

PAUL: But the waterworks didn’t end there. The catharsis of the moment washed ​ over the town square and there wasn’t a dry eye in the bunch. The animosity that plagued this town less than a year ago? It was gone and they could now sit and collectively grieve. It was a really powerful moment.

ARTEMIS: After about a minute, a gentle embrace caught Paul and I from behind ​ and a friendly voice spoke in our ears.

MADISON: Ryan, sure would’ve loved this. Missed you two. ​ ARTEMIS: We didn’t have a chance to speak to Madison much more. The reception ​ that evening was held at her tiny cabin so she was fully occupied with hosting. But the small moment she shared with us at the memorial spoke volumes.

Our chapter in the story of Connor Creek was over. The Schue-Horyn twins that left town that day were far different than the twins who met Ryan at APN six months earlier.

PAUL: As the town became smaller in our rear view mirror and the long road to ​ LA stretched out before us, our minds turned to what fun car games we could play--

ARTEMIS: Paul! ​

PAUL: And our future! Our minds also turned to what our future held in store ​ for us.

ARTEMIS: Scandal! ​ PAUL: Adventure! ​ ARTEMIS: Mystery! ​ PAUL: Mermaids? ​ ARTEMIS: So listeners, next time something feels off, stop and take a closer ​ look. And if you’re still unable to see the forest for the trees, don’t abandon hope. All you need is a different lens, a fresh perspective, and a little help from The Wayward Guide for the Untrained Eye. ​ ​ {END OF EPISODE MUSIC}

VO: Tin Can Brothers presents Wayward Guide for the Untrained Eye. Starring ​ ​ ​ Mary Kate Wiles and Steve Zaragoza. ​ ​ ​ ​

Written and directed by Corey Lubowich, Joey Richter, and Brian Rosenthal.

Featuring Lauren Lopez, Jon Cozart, Tara Perry, Sean Persaud, Ashley Clements, Gabe Greenspan, Tara Perry, Dylan Saunders, Corey Dorris, Nick Lang, Joanna Sotomura, and {Ags Cats Meowing}. ​ ​

Original theme music, sound design, and mixing by Ears Up Sound Design.

Executive Producers: Corey Lubowich, Joey Richter, & Brian Rosenthal, Paul Komoroski, and Gregg Gibbons & April Morris.

Go beyond the podcast, and watch new episodes of the Wayward Guide companion ​ ​ series on YouTube.

Please rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

For more information visit waywardguideshow.com or follow @tincanbros on ​ ​ Instagram and Twitter.

{CRUNCHING OF LEAVES IN THE WOODS}

PAUL: Ok. So on our way out of Connor Creek I decided: Hey, ​ maybe...maybe we can find the company car! You know? Maybe it’s still here somewhere. And guess what? I found it! I found the company car! There it is, right there! Oh my god, I can’t believe it was six months ago we left this thing here. Yeah. That’s crazy! It looks like it’s been out here for, like, 50 years. Look at all the...trees growing around it and stuff. Oh my god! Everyone’s

gonna be so proud of me! Let me open the door and still see if there’s food in the glove compartment--OH MY GOD!!

{FERAL RACOON NOISES}

PAUL: A whole family of racoons!!! What is--?!? OH GOD!! ​

{PAUL RUNS OFF AS THE RACOONS PROTECT THEIR HOME}