ARTEMIS: Epilogue. 6 Months Later. AGS FLORENTINE: Hi
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ARTEMIS: Epilogue. 6 Months Later. AGS FLORENTINE: Hi Artemis, this is Ags Florentine from Connor Creek giving you a call. Now you will not believe what has happened...I’ve discovered that I am a true lover of podcats! I’m not gonna lie, when you came to town and said you were making a podcat, I hadn’t a lick of sense what you meant. Especially since you didn’t even ask to meet my twelve pussycats! But after Desmond explained it all to me, I decided I had to check it out for myself. Young Donald helped set me up one of those computer phones, and I found your little show! I wish you had portrayed our town in a slightly better light, but I suppose, like I say: all press is good press. Ya hear that, Olive Garden?? We got press! Now, what I really need to know is should I sign up for Stamps dot com? That might be good to sell our Connor Creek keychains online, right? I’d rather not go to the post office anymore. It hasn’t been the same since dear Odie Doty left us, may he Rest In Peace. Could be a little boost for the economy! Ugh. Look at me, I’m just gab-gab-gabbing away! I can’t stop! Now why was I calling...Oh! Yes! Schue-Horyns, Connor Creek is not finished with you yet! {WAYWARD GUIDE OPENING THEME MUSIC} ARTEMIS: From the American Podcasting Network, this is a special bonus episode of The Wayward Guide for the Untrained Eye. I'm Artemis Schue-Horyn. PAUL: And, as always, she’s joined by her Darth Sibling, Emperor Paul-patine. ARTEMIS: First up, we want to thank all you listeners for your overwhelming support of Wayward Guide Season 2! PAUL: Within a month, Wayward Guide Season 2 became the most downloaded show in APN history! And we were nominated for an iHeart Radio Podcast Award?? I didn’t even know that was a thing!! All because of you! ARTEMIS: And no one was more surprised than us. PAUL: Well except, maybe Lesly. He did not expect this. ARTEMIS: He most definitely did not. And while APN has not officially greenlit a new season of Wayward Guide, your incredible response has been hard for them to ignore. So, thank you. PAUL: That said, we weren’t quite ready to close the book on this season yet. And apparently, neither was Connor Creek. AGS: The reason I’m reaching out to you two love-bugs: is to officially invite you back to town for a little memorial service we’re holding next month to commemorate our fallen comrades! Yaaay! However, I feel the urge to admit that I still partially blame you both for the nightmare hellscape that was unleashed upon our town by that monster Truman Hensley. So when they wanted to invite you, I pushed back hard. BUT...most of the town wants you here and my recent experimentation with ayahuasca has forced me to confront my issues with resentment head on, so, as they say, “When you’re here, you’re family!”--Oop! I’m getting the little voice saying I gotta put in another quarter or they’ll disconnect me! Time flies when you’re catching up, girlfriend! Alright. Tell you what, just BBM me your number and I’ll fax you the details as soon as I can. Alright! ARTEMIS: No, neither Paul nor I have a blackberry. And, yes, Ags did find a way to fax us the memorial information. PAUL: Which is how, six months after saying goodbye, we found ourselves back in that little town hidden away in the California mountains, catching up with some old friends. And don’t worry Lesly: we paid for it out-of-pocket. ARTEMIS: Compared to our last visit, this was practically a vacation. DONNY MEADOWS: Boy, am I glad to see you, guys! So happy you could fit us into your busy schedules. PAUL: Busy schedules! Yeah...we have those. ARTEMIS: Donny, this is the most chipper I’ve seen you...ever. PAUL: I don’t know if I like it. DONNY: Well, you two are to blame for that! Because of all the Wayward Guide listeners, my WolfWear line has skyrocketed in popularity. At first I was mailing orders from my house, but now I've expanded and created a fulfilment center in the old Miner Mole offices. ARTEMIS: That’s great! PAUL: Can I get one of those sweet hoodies? DONNY: Of course! Anything for my benefactors! I’ll get you a 10% off coupon for anything you want in the e-store. PAUL: (underwhelmed) Oh. Ok. Thanks. DONNY: Oh! And my business success has also connected me with thousands of potential lovers. It’s on this new dating app site I’m trying called Linkedin! ARTEMIS: Everything looked the same, but the town had totally transformed since we last set foot there. The mood was jubilant. The pre-existing animosity we discovered when we first arrived seemed to have dissipated following Truman’s exit. RILEY KIRKLAND: Hey, you sons of guns! OLIVIA TOMPKINS: (simultaneously) Hey, you sons of witches! ARTEMIS: Riley and Olivia met us with some...breaking news. OLIVIA: Ever since you left town we’ve been thinkin’: Why is it that we, two lifelong best friends who own two businesses that ought to just be one business, have never talked about being partners? PAUL: Woah! Is love in the air? RILEY: Well, yeah, that’s a given. We have been in a glorious domestic partnership for years. What we’re ACTUALLY announcing is that we’re going to be business partners! Starting next week, we will officially be reopening as Kirkland-Tompkins Weapons and Ammunition Depot! ARTEMIS: Well, it’s about time! I bet you’ll cut back on a ton of overhead. OLIVIA: Exactly. Plus, now we’ll get to spend practically every waking moment together. You’ll never see us apart again! Because there’s nothing I like better than shootin’ the crap with my Riley. RILEY: And there’s nothing I like better than shootin’ at crap with my Olivia. But don’t you worry, our operational policies will remain the same in this new venture. We still won’t require any ID or background checks to buy a gun. PAUL: As we moved down Center Road en route to the memorial, the town was buzzing with a level of excitement not seen since Election Day. People were entering and exiting shops, stopping on the street to chat with friends. And some of them were even chatting with no one. {JEREMIAH PREACHES INTO A MICROPHONE} JEREMIAH STILLWATER: Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be-ith any other commandment, it is this: Thou shalt come to the church this Sunday and hang ten with the Lord, baby! ARTEMIS: Hey, Jeremiah! JEREMIAH: Ah, Miss Schue-Horyn. Not yet wed, I see. Well, Paul whenever you decide to “put a ring on it,” as they say, I am more than happy to officiate the nuptials. PAUL/ARTEMIS: We’re not...forget it. ARTEMIS: How’s the soul saving business? JEREMIAH: Fantastic! Get this: last week I had 6 congregants and one baptism. And I owe it all to...playing the guitar during services. I’m a cool priest now. PAUL: Wooow. Congrats, dude. JEREMIAH: Thank you, my dude. It seems I had been going about this the wrong way. Excuse me, but I must continue to rock out with my frock out. {JEREMIAH POORLY STRUMS AND SINGS “PINBALL WIZARD” WITH NEW LYRICS} JEREMIAH: Ahem...ok...Sorry, hold on...Hold on, sorry....(singing) Ever since I was a young boy, I prayed to Lord My God! From Hail--From Hail Mary to the Lord’s Prayer, I must’ve prayed ‘em all! PAUL: If music be the food of spiritual awakening through self-acceptance...then play on! ARTEMIS: After the residents of Connor Creek spent so long defining themselves by their differences, it was really touching to see them come into their own, proudly accepting each other's quirks. MARY JO WALKER: You’ll be happy to know we’ve continued our own investigation in your absence. It was about time you backed off and made way for the professionals. ARTEMIS: We stopped by the flower shop to talk to Mary Jo and Ellis about their new hobby. ELLIS WALKER: That’s right. I am now filling Barney’s time on the radio station. MARY JO: Someone’s finally bringing some sense to the airwaves. And the Ellis Files were so successful that we decided to go right ahead and greenlamp a Season 2. ARTEMIS: Hmm. What metrics are you using to judge your success? MARY JO: Pffff. Why, gut feeling, of course. ELLIS: You can’t trust anything but your gut. Isn’t that right, honey? MARY JO: That’s right, honey. ELLIS: Since you’re here...might as well give you a quick little taste of what’s coming up. Promise you won’t steal it. PAUL: We definitely promise. ELLIS: Okie Dokie. (putting on his Ellis Files voice) This season on the Ellis Files: They say that the werewolves were just an illusion. The combination of drugs and fear. But I’m not so sure. They were wrong before, so why couldn’t they be wrong again? (drops voice) I’m talking about you two. (resumes) While the town was looking one direction, nobody realized the real threat lurking in our basements.