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FOUR GILMORES AND A FUNERAL Written by Kara Cutruzzula Based on the TV series created by Amy Sherman-Palladino [email protected] TEASER EXT. GILMORE HOME - NIGHT LORELAI GILMORE (46) - confident, attractive, sharp as a sword - stands at the doorstep of a massive, imposing house, complete with wrought iron gate. She stares at the entrance. LORELAI May God and his human representative on Earth, Dolly Parton, get me through this. Lorelai rings the bell. A MAID answers wearing a very traditional outfit. Think “sexy maid.” Minus the sexy part. LORELAI (CONT'D) I see she’s still got you in the black-and-white get-up. Classic. Very Margaret Mitchell. Lorelai walks inside. INT. GILMORE HOME - CONTINUOUS Lorelai’s mother, EMILY GILMORE (70) - immaculate, poised - enters. She’s not the type of woman who gives a warm welcome. EMILY You’re late. LORELAI Traffic was terrible. Someone should really check on the whereabouts of Chris Christie. EMILY Nevermind. Dinner’s already plated. LORELAI Ooh, we get to use plates this time? Goody. INT. GILMORE DINING ROOM - NIGHT Lorelai and Emily enter to find a beautiful table set for three under a chandelier. They sit a beat in awkward silence. EMILY How long will Rory be? K. Cutruzzula 2. LORELAI She should turn up soon. Speaking of vegetables, Sookie’s dreamed up this incredible buttered turnip puree. If you can get past the color, it’s really quite good. EMILY What on earth are you talking about? LORELAI Side dishes. (after a beat) How’s Dad today? EMILY Today? Today’s the same as yesterday, which was the same as the day before. I swear I feel as though I’m, I’m... LORELAI (trying to help) Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? A hamster in a wheel? One of those picture books where you thumb the corner to flip the pages and the cartoon moves super quickly? EMILY Did you just compare your mother to a rodent? LORELAI A domesticated rodent. Lorelai looks like she’s going to try to offer comfort, but her daughter, RORY GILMORE (29) - self-possessed, composed - enters. Lorelai jumps up and rushes over. LORELAI (CONT'D) Hi, honey! RORY (hugging) Hi, Mom. LORELAI Did you get caught in Bridgegate? Emily stands and Rory hugs her. K. Cutruzzula 3. RORY (to Lorelai) Wasn’t that, like, three years ago? (to Emily) Hi, Grandma. LORELAI Yes, but traffic shall remain forever snarled, like that spool of alpaca yarn I bought during my ill- fated knitting experiment of ‘09. RORY I’m still waiting for my beanie. LORELAI Cue up the Muzak my friend, because that guy’s on hold forever. They sit for a beat. RORY How’s Grandpa? I’m planning to stop by the hospital tomorrow. EMILY Fine. Well, no. The same. Say, let’s talk of happier subjects. How’s your book coming along? RORY Actually... LORELAI If you need something to submit it in, there are boatloads of Lisa Frank folders still floating around the house. RORY That won’t be necessary. I actually turned in the proposal last night. Emily and Lorelai both beam. EMILY Oh, Rory, that’s terrific! LORELAI Honestly, what can’t this one do? The maid comes by the table and sets down two plates. K. Cutruzzula 4. LORELAI (CONT'D) I knew this happy day would come. (looks at plate) And on this happy day, I always somehow knew there would be mutton. RORY Thanks. I’m so relieved. And exhausted. But also exhilarated? LORELAI Lotta adjectives. No wonder you want to write a whole book. EMILY We have to celebrate. RORY No celebrating yet. We have to see if anyone wants to buy it first. LORELAI Your grandfather would be so proud. Rory gives a shy smile. EMILY He is proud. Lorelai nods, and the three women begin to eat in silence. As the camera PANS out to reveal the entire tableau, the seat at the head of the table - belonging to Richard Gilmore - is conspicuously empty. LORELAI Hey, this isn’t mutton. EMILY Of course it’s not mutton. It’s veal. FADE OUT. END OF TEASER K. Cutruzzula 5. ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. GILMORE HOME - NIGHT Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are in the foyer saying goodbye. RORY Thanks for dinner. EMILY Thank you for coming all this way. RORY Oh, it’s nice taking the train from Manhattan. Gives me time to catch up on my reading. LORELAI Please oh please, tell me you’re reading The Girl on the Train. I so want you to be the girl on the train reading The Girl on the Train. RORY Too late. Already finished it. As Lorelai and Rory go to walk out the door, Emily grabs her coat and begins to follow them. LORELAI Where are you going? It’s 9:30. A lass like you doesn’t dare set foot outside the perimeter at this hour. EMILY I’m going to see your father. I always go after dinner. (conspiratorially) They keep visiting hours open just for me. Donating an entire hospital wing does come with a few perks. As they head out, the MAID appears with the house phone. MAID Mrs. Gilmore? It’s the doctor. Lorelai and Rory exchange glances. K. Cutruzzula 6. EMILY (into phone) Yes? What? Emily’s face darkens. Her grip tightens on her coat. EMILY (CONT'D) (distraught) But I told him I would be right back. I told him! I’m coming right now. Lorelai and Rory grow worried. LORELAI Oh no. Emily hangs up. Her grasp on her coat loosens, and it tumbles to the floor. EMILY (to herself) You can plan and plan... RORY Grandma? EMILY (faintly) He’s... (beat) I must sit down. They usher her to a chair. She sits, staring. Processing. EMILY (CONT'D) Richard. He’s...gone. The shock of this hits them. Rory falls into her mother’s arms. Emily’s eyes close, then suddenly, she bolts upright. EMILY (CONT'D) We can’t just sit here. We must go. There’s much to be done. She marches to the front door, sidestepping her dropped coat on the way. EMILY (CONT'D) (calling behind her) Esmeralda, come fetch my coat. Emily exits. Rory looks at her mother, tears forming. K. Cutruzzula 7. RORY But I didn’t... Lorelai hugs her fiercely as Rory begins to cry. LORELAI I know, honey. I know. EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY A bright morning in Stars Hollow, Connecticut, a picture- perfect small town, the kind as rare these days as a moment of lucidity in Congress. The kind where townspeople greet each other with “Good morning,” and a folk guitarist strums near a gazebo. INT. LUKE’S DINER - DAY In this kind of town a diner with chrome stools can exist without irony or pretense. The owner of this one is LUKE DANES (48) - gruff, owns a toolbox and knows how to use it - and he’s behind the counter serving coffee. CUSTOMER Do you have hemp milk? Luke looks at her wordlessly. Then: LUKE This look like Portland to you? Lorelai enters. Luke rushes over, pulls her into a hug. LUKE (CONT'D) Hey. How you doing? LORELAI Oh, you know, just the worst 24 hours of my life. LUKE Worse than-- LORELAI Yes, even worse than that time I watched all of Shia LaBeouf’s oeuvre in chronological order just because he was doing it. LUKE And Rory? K. Cutruzzula 8. LORELAI I dropped her off at home. She’s hurting. LUKE I’m so sorry. LORELAI Thanks. He’s just been sick for so long, I thought we were all prepared, I thought I would be ready...prepared...ready... (remembering something) Oh god, there’s a wedding tomorrow at the Inn! LUKE I’m sure it’s all taken care of. LORELAI I’m not sure. I’m positively not sure. LUKE You’re really going to work now? Lorelai kisses Luke quickly. LORELAI Trying to keep things normal. For now. I’ll be back at home tonight. As she heads for the door, Luke calls after her. LUKE Here if you need me. She turns and smiles, and is gone. Luke watches her through the window for a minute, then something catches his eye: a giant food truck is maneuvering in front of the diner. On the side, in huge cursive letters it says: KIRK’S KHOW. EXT. LUKE’S DINER - DAY Luke approaches just as the truck’s massive side window is rolled up from the inside. The owner and operator of this fine mobile establishment is KIRK GLEASON (40). To say he’s merely quirky is being kind. LUKE What the hell is this? K. Cutruzzula 9. KIRK Good morning, comrade-in-arms. LUKE (reading the sign) “Kirk’s Cow?” KIRK (correcting) Kirk’s Chow. But with a K. Studies show customers respond extremely well to alliteration. LUKE What’s it doing in front of my diner? KIRK Well, mother and I were watching Shark Tank a few weeks ago and I got inspired-- LUKE (interrupting) I don’t need a preamble. Cut to the chase, Kirk. KIRK I thought I would offer the townsfolk an alternative to your standard artery-clogging fare of omelets with bacon and grilled cheese with bacon and meatloaf with bacon. Luke’s about to blow his top. LUKE My meatloaf has never had bacon! KIRK (handing him a food truck menu) Please peruse this at your leisure. LUKE (reading) Avocado egg toast? Beet cacao ice cream? (struggles to pronounce) Kombucha...with a mother?! What’s a mother? (beat) No one’s gonna wanna eat this.