The author, AirTron, How I learned to stop Next year I’m totally is ready OUT / IN to build LINGO an art car... Barbie Death Camp Spanky’s Wine Bar next year art carnage the injured Burners & Wine Bistro worrying and just trust Larry building an art car dropped off by art cars to the medical beer pickletinis tents and ramparts, especially after the by SCRIBE vehicles to license, its ticket by AIRTRON art car – my glorious mutant vehicle Man and Temple burns Black Rock Academy Lazy Skool Daze The author, Scribe, pricing structure, and size – what a rewarding experience THAT Blue Oasis Decadent Oasis his is as good as it gets, dropping words of the city (it was able to hat’s the best way to get around will be! Despite the fact that I’m sure it back-burnered when your former Burners – right here, like bombs get the BLM to increase the idea and you want it bad enough. Well, Esplanade theme camp gets placed on BRBC BMIR the playa? Duh, an art car, obvi- will be über-popular with my friends T right now, in beauti- maximum population from W ously! The bigger, the brighter, and will fill up with riders at my camp, my idea is epic and I’ve never wanted the back streets instead buckets at Juplaya porta-potties at ful, bountiful Black Rock 60,000 last year to 68,000 the louder – the better! When an art I’ll always be sure save a few spots for anything more. Not all of the specif- Burning Man City. And this is the way this year), all without any car rolls by, blasting that same trap- the random guy covered in EL wire or ics are worked out just yet, but maybe Black Rock Slide when the art car cheap booze top shelf booze it’s always going to be here, input from the community. step music you’ve been hearing all that hot girl in furry boots. Unless we something like a fire-breathing-animal- suddenly stops, and all the ravers on- board crash to one side of the vehicle cocaine Adderall year after year, like a dusty It can cut lucrative side week, you just KNOW that’s where the have a really big-name DJ – then it will discothèque. It’ll have multi-level Groundhog Day on acid. The deals with corporations and REAL fun is happening. This one time, stay packed with my closest, radically dance floors with a slide to get from commissary pogs Dust City Diner blue room slang term for a porta- only thing that will change propagandists – but they I stumbled across one that was parked, playafied friends all night long.Sorry, one to another, wings that come out potty – whether or not it is actually blue Emergen-C coconut water will be the faces of the can’t have the new nonprof- and they actually let me go for a ride! nothing I can do about that. and move to the music, and spinning fighting in the hugging in the citizens and the things we it board making these sorts What a magical moment that was! I know what you’re thinking: “Art fire horns – OMG, it’s going to be so boosh cannon slang term for a Thunderdome Thunderdome create for one another. It’s of decisions. That would be Well, that was three Burns ago cars are expensive and time-consuming. fucking insane. We’ll get a truck, some flamethrower or propane cannon How can you pull this off?” fighting the sit watching from perfect, right? No reason to unthinkable. and I’ve been searching for that same Well, I don’t propane, some LEDs and we’re already breaking bad leaving your clan- down/stand up the Esplanade with change a thing. What God “The non-profit is going orgasmic bliss of boarding a majestic have any money, but if Burning Man half-way there. Add a bar, sound sys- destine mobile drug lab for Playa crowd at the Burn chocolate & whiskey (or rather, Larry Harvey) has well, and then we have to mutant vehicle ever since. I has taught me anything, it’s tem, stripper pole and – boom! Art car. Restoration to clean up filming Burning filming Burning created, let no Burner pre- work out the terms of the still don’t know anyone with RANT that if you set your mind to Dozens of fans will help out at Man in IMAX 3-D Man on Super-8 sume to alter. relationship between the an art car, so it’s looking something, you can complete the pre-Burn build parties. Welder- Burgin a first-year Burner any project exactly how you envisioned fire spinners sparkle ponies That’s an idea that most event and the non-profit. like I’m gonna have to just build one engineer-tech-whiz-artsy types will Burners have seemed to We want the event to be pro- myself, dammit! After four years of it. So throughout the next year, I’ll sort out the logistical details. We’ll all burn notice when you tell your boss flash mob twerk team embrace, despite the beloved tected from undue meddling coming to Black Rock City, I think it’s throw parties, have DJ friends play for become best buds and the crazy syner- you need time off from work the week generator being on the grid pastime of veteran Burners and we want it to be a good finally my turn topARTicipate and give free, invite everyone I’m connected gistic energy will manifest the biggest, before and the two days after Labor Day every year, no exceptions headlamps with headlamps with to kvetch and celebrate some fit,” Larry told me. back to the Burner community in a to through social media, and charge baddest art car that Black Rock City 3 bright white LEDs one red LED storied golden age, whether When I wrote about major way. I want to gift that same life- a suggested-but-actually-mandatory has ever seen. Wow, I can’t wait. It’s burn scar the swath of damage hookers & blow sparkle ponies it be 1986, 1996, or 2006. these issues in the Guardian, changing event I had to others. donation at the door. Word-of-mouth going to be a tough job, but I’m totally – physical, mental, and/or emotional – & molly We all just appreciate the few people seemed to care. So next year, I’m totally building will start to spread. Then I’ll start a up for it. I’ll probably be so busy man- one has upon re-entry from Burning Man chance to build a city for The two articles I wrote on an art car. It’s going to have lights and fundraising campaign on Kickstarter or aging the crew that I’ll barely get to HOTD - Black Rock music… and fire! back into the Default World Hair of the Dog Cantina ourselves each year and to these issues received two It’s going to be awe- Indiegogo with fun perks for investors build any of it myself. A small sacrifice

give thanks to the leaders of Photo illustration by: Halcyon Woodward online comments each, some and everyone will want to ride it. like the chance to help build it, a ride to make sure this thing gets done right. burn unit your core group of friends iced coffee iced Fernet Burning Man for giving us compared to the 259 com- They’ll see it from afar and wish they at the Burn, reduced admission to the I’m doing this for the people of Black you always camp with jaded veterans excited Burgins that opportunity, again and again. blower Chicken John seemed to care ments and vigorous public discussion were on it. Or they’ll bike next to it just post-Burn cleanup party, and a t-shirt. Rock City – not for myself. My amazing And now I’ve become one of those that ensued after I wrote “Burning Man to feel the bass booming and to watch That’ll definitely get the ball rolling. creation will enhance everyone’s playa burn-again virgin a formerly- keeping track of keeping track of about that. The predominant view jaded veteran who rediscovers why they events with pen & events with the people, one who has learned to simply ticket fiasco creates uncertain future” in sexy sparkle ponies jump on the light- Some tech executive will catch experience from great to un-fucking- seemed to be that the six members of loved Burning Man in the first place a little notebook TimeToBurn app accept Burning Man for what it is. the LLC had done us all a great service February of last year. up disco dance floor.Oh yes, I will build wind of my idea, fall in love with it, believable. I hope you all get laid on Kickstarter begging on the I am hereby officially dropping my and that they deserved whatever it was The lesson learned? As a “commu- an art car. and become my main financial-backer my art car. “Burner, please!” BRC expression campaigns side of the highway struggles against Larry, Maid Marian, they wanted to pay themselves. nity,” as long as we can all get to Black Seeing the wonder in a Burgin’s slash co-creator. Dreams like this come I know I’m getting laid… well, next to convey incredulous disgust, usually Rock City, we don’t really care who’s call- true all the time when you have a good BRC kites drones and the rest of Black Rock City LLC eyes as they step foot on their very first year. in reaction to a false or outrageous board to create some form of repre- ‘Gift’ the event back to community ing the shots. After all, it’s really all of LED hoops sharp fucking swords statement: “Oh, your leggings don’t sentative or democratic leadership for In my critical editorials, I publicly us who create the city each year for our match your fairy wings? Burner, please!” leaving before the sticking around as Burning Man and its culture. It’s been own enjoyment, and that’s what mat- questioned the hand-picked non-profit (eyeroll optional) Man burns long as you can a lonely and frustrating crusade any- board, which seemed chosen for their ters – not the six people who control Art cars by DICK TACO Lee Burridge’s Adrian’s Saturday way, so I’m happy to be done with it fundraising ability more than the com- the $23 million we all spent on tickets continued from cover chasing ghosts the futile pursuit Saturday sunrise set sunrise mashup (as I’m sure they are, too). munities they represented. this year. How to dress like in deep playa to find a particular mobile at Robot Heart set at AutoSub Longtime readers of POLITICS Once again, there was no So I’m just going to enjoy myself Some, however, think that selective party or art piece that was rumored about molly all night dabs all day both the BRC Weekly and resonance with the larger this year – and every year forever after – inclusion is an inevitable fact of playa Piss Clear know that I’ve been regu- Burner community, so I accepted it safe in the faith that “participation” and life, like Lena Kartzov, who said in the daisy ducking the female version of mushroom tea ayahuasca a sparkle pony! “shirtcocking” – when a woman wears a larly covering Burning Man for the and moved on. Maybe money was “radical self-reliance” are things I do same Facebook thread, “Art cars are a OMG sale ticket direct distributed San Francisco Bay Guardian since what was important in the early stages, in my own camp and immediate sur- lot of work and you’re not entitled to shirt, but with no pants ticket by ADRIAN ROBERTS They said it was okay to wear feathers this 2004. My reportage formed the basis and new leadership would come later. I roundings, and that the larger Burning ride on anybody else’s blood and sweat year, as long as they weren’t the kind that darkwad someone who thinks that at Opulent Temple Digital Apex If you wanna ride on of my book, The Tribes of Burning was totally willing to just let it go, until Man project itself is in same safe and creations, so stop whining. Douchebags shed and turn into MOOP. Good, because you night, no lights is the new black White Party White Party Man, which came out in 2011, just as earlier this year when I watched the benevolent hands that it always has are everywhere. Let the douchebag ass- an art car, you gotta should wear a giant feather headdress no Paul Oakenfold at Diplo at the Black Rock City LLC board was new documentary, Spark: A Burning been and probably always will be. BRC hole art car owners pick and choose if look like sparkle matter what they say you can do! Early Departure Pass leaving White Ocean White Ocean being torn apart by internal divisions Man Story, which concludes with the Amen. they want to… or make your own fuck- pony! Here’s how: Fake dread extentions so everyone will Black Rock City before Saturday night that they resolved by deciding to turn claim that “the organization is tran- ing art car and don’t worry about the think you’re a ‘real’ Burner playa names real fucking names popular BRC control of Burning Man over to a new sitioning into a non-profit to ‘gift’ the Who assholes and their rude ways.” “Fuck yr burn!” Playatech furniture hunting CraigsList Bedazzled goggles – think of expression amongst members of the for free furniture non-profit organization they were cre- event back to the community.” The Purple Palace folks – who them like a hairband, since you’ll ating, The Burning Man Project. I decided to plug back into cover- is unfortunately are not here this year DPW and other jaded veterans – used in population 53,000 population 68,000 John Frum? never actually use them as actual place of the more generic “fuck you” We don’t want to run Burning Man ing Burning Man to check on the – don’t see it that way, saying, “We goggles – they’ll cover up your radical self-reliance radical collective status of this “gift,” with just a year to proudly claim to be the most participa- fabulous eye makeup! glamping glamorous camping – co-dependency “Why not act to change the world, a Another fucking go until Larry had said that control 19% dubstep DJ tory art car on the playa. We have no what many citizens of BRC aspire to riding a bike to riding an art car to world that you won’t be in? That’s what of the event would be transferred to restrictions for who gets to ride except No dust mask. It just doesn’t deliver newspapers deliver newspapers we want to do,” Larry told a roomful the new non-profit. However, rather Just Larry for her capacity (about 150 people). At Photo: Eric ShutterSlut Model: Ya-Ya accessorize well. And it’s all about hippie trap playa art with no real of Burners when he announced the Harvey on the accessories! Nothing says message, other than having enough safety third potentially lethal than relaxing their grip on the event 28% every stop we gauge available space and ‘Burn’ like gloves with embroidered flames! non-profit plan in April 2011. “We want and entrusting it to the community, I a bender with that, it’s first come first serve. We pretty lights on it to attract drugged-out shirtcocking capecocking to get out of running Burning Man. We learned that the BRC LLC consider their never discriminate. The only exception If you’re not going to go topless, then a skimpy Burners to lay around inside or around it Spark Dust & Illusions want to move on.” leadership “more important than ever,” to this rule has developed in the last shiny bikini top is necessary, paired with a A narc? “I call hippie burner bullshit!” Swim-Up Bar Slow Burn Lounge The prospects of that change in as Marian put it. 13% year or two. If you are visibly inebriated fake fur shoulder shrug. Gotta have fake fur! at Fandango at Fandango leadership seemed exciting, and I Not only are The Burning Man on drugs or alcohol to the point that epithet shouted upon hearing stupid imagined a council of veteran Burners Project board members still not repre- we are concerned for your safety, you A $300 “utility” belt from Five & Diamond – nonsense spoken by a clueless Burner TTITD (That Thing BFCT (Big Fucking Unicorns are although the only utility you In The Desert) Camping Trip) representing our community’s con- sentative of the overall community, but probably won’t get on. Oh, and major “It’s Burning Man!” all-purpose stituent communities – artists, DPW 12% Who cares? so “in,” so how get is a place for your candy, apparently they will have no authority assholes – people who are really mean about a fancy excuse for when anything goes wrong Tutu Tuesday White Wednesday workers, sound camps, volunteers, art breath mints, and makeup. over the event itself, which Larry wants to us – don’t usually get on either.” unicorn bag? And one more place to video projection on Black Rock Bijou car makers, regional leaders, maybe to continue as is, “without being undu- The guy who Definitely not ketamolicane the name of the end- the side of a truck lose your drugs the biggest villages – gathering around ly interfered with by the non-profit 19% screwed up big enough for product of pooling all of your camp’s your latte Robot “Welcome home!” “Welcome home, a table to plan the future of Burning organization.” Heart a water bottle Henna tattoo to go with powder-based narcotics into one single bitches!” Man. It might get messy, but things ... but at least your belly button piercing – bag, thereby extending the shared sup- 8-Bit Clouds rain clouds worth doing usually are. Protection from ‘undue meddling’ You... but there’s a hidden you want to fit in and let ply with all contributors. Then Larry announced plans to Sure, the LLC and its various 8% much cooler drug pouch! people know how “tribal” you are! List by: Adrian Roberts, Andrew create secret payouts for the six board fiefdoms can unilaterally change its Man Down Rule once someone is As much as you want Fancy hot pants are a requirement. So much so that Sullivan, Dave Decibel, John!John!, members, but almost nobody except contracts with artists, its policy on Your hook up separated from a group at Burning Man,

Infographic: Lenny Jones 1% for the blue pills to wear your bitch even it’s the only thing you wear, you can still pull off Malderor, Miles Mayhem, Mysterious veteran Burner artist and whistle- what kinds and how many mutant heels, you’re going to a hot sparkle pony look with nothing else. Oh wait, they are no longer your responsibility for D, RonJon, Ron Feldman, DJ Tyme, have to go with the actually, you DO need one more thing.... the remainder of the night. Vulgaricus Gasket, Ya-Ya platform boots – appropriate trust us, when you’re As a sparkle pony, you are pretty much required to “MOOP! There it is!” doing the playa “walk wear furry boot covers, which for reasons lost to the exclamation upon finding MOOP (matter Hypocritical Tits of shame” at dawn, playa dust of time, have been an essential part of the out of place, i.e. trash) in your camp stumbling back to camp sparkle pony uniform since the early ‘00s. Furry leg BRCPO fo’ sho’! by WONDERHUSSY America without repercussions, while after a night at Pink warmers in the desert? Sure, that makes total sense, my little sparkle pony kids in Playa snail-mail is so much fun! if I did the same thing, I’d get fined. When the BRC Weekly spoke Mammoth, you’ll be right? No one knows how this trend started, but how BRC who look cute and ask you for gifts Located in the heart of the 9:00 with Robot Heart, they had a similar f there are three words out here The only way to change this bogus glad you did else will people know that you’re a sparkle pony? someone you will not Plaza, the BRC International Post response: “Everyone is welcome if they playa BFF that I hate most, they’re “Ask before imbalance is to make nipples com- actually speak to for the next 358 days Office is open 24 hours and is seek- I pictures.” WHY?! What’s so sacred monplace and boring – by going bring their good energy. But we also ing volunteers at any time! about your stupid Party City tutu and around topless, without making a big ask people to understand that the Bot campaign where, for example, a $500 a viable transportation option if one playa currency anything valuable Get your mail delivered on or fairy wings that requires stroking and/ production of it. You sanctimonious is a DJ booth, and there is not all that “donation” would secure you and a chooses to leave their bike at camp used for barter in BRC in lieu of cash, off playa! Post office camps can also or release-signing just to capture them twats with your Nipples That Must Never much room on there. The Bot is also guest a spot on board for the Man in order to let their numb butt take a such as liquor, sexual favors, or drugs may be found in the 3:00 Plaza and on film? Ohhh, I see – your tits are Be Photographed are setting us back. jammed full of extremely delicate and Burn on Saturday night. break from a bicycle seat. Sure, hop- lips chapped? getting at Center Camp. Send some dusty hanging out and your nipples are in Do us all a favor, and get over yourself! sophisticated electronic equipment The Christina isn’t the only one ping on and off various vehicles that playa sherpa plain sight. GASP! I, myself, roll around top- and we do have to look out for safety selling spots on board. Even El Pulpo take you to unknown places around chilly? starting to come down? in des- Well, guess what, dumbass? SEX less every day here in Black as well. There is very Mecanico, a recent the playa still happens, but with less perate need of a fruit rollup? The playa You’re at an event with 68,000 ­­­ Rock City, and I don’t give a limited room on board.” COVER STORY mutant vehicle darling frequency than in past years. Facebook sherpa always seems to have exactly FAFFF – Fucking people, 98% of whom are packing fuck. Take as many pics as you want Obviously, due to of Burning Man, had a commenter Belkabelka said, “I never what you need... at 4am... in deep playa this limited space, only skinny, mostly cameras or cell phones. Your sacred – I’m no hypocrite! What I am is a Kickstarter campaign that sold out the jump on art cars pretty much because playa wedding what Burners do to naked, female sparkle ponies ever seem four $1000 slots that granted a 2-hour it looks like instead of being a fun kind Around For fucking nipples are going to end up in true progressive, unlike most of you The author, ensure that their relationship will end someone’s pic, whether you like it or bourgeois poseurs out here, for whom to be allowed on the Robot Heart, giving ride, where the mobile flaming octo- of public transportation that takes Wonderhussy, it the appearance of a douchey Vegas three months from now Fucking Forever not. If you’re really so fucking worried “Burning Man” is basically a funny is no hypocrite pus made out of recycled metal would you somewhere you don’t really know about their nipply holiness being cap- costume you put on once a year, like casino nightclub (or perhaps an exclu- “come by your camp and pick up you where, there’s a lot of private art cars polycamporous term for someone by JOHN!JOHN! tured for all posterity, COVER THEM UP. a Santa suit or an Easter bonnet. Well sive club in New York City, where and three of your friends for a fun- for camp members only.” who sleeps at one camp, but seems to Besides, dipshit: a nipple is a nip- I’ve got news for you fuckers – a free the Man and his yoke of oppression! I Robot Heart is based.) filled tour of the playa… anywhere you Girl Robin commented, “I’ll never spend all their time hanging out at other any citizens of Black Rock City ple. Men show theirs every damn day – spirit ain’t a light switch. You can’t tossed my top in the back of my truck Edmundo Landgraf of mutant want to go!” forget one year a jackass told us we were people’s camps have a chronic fafffing problem. by making such a big deal out of yours, just flip it, like, “Last one who leaves the and drove the entire way home, from vehicle Airpusher Steam Punk Airship wearing too many clothes (it was fucking Are you a fafffer? you’re only perpetuating some old- playa, turn off the crazy!” It’s a lifestyle!!! BRC to Vegas, topless. And guess what? brings up another point: “Sometimes freezing by the way), and another tool POOM acroynm for Playa On Our M Matter – what happens to all of your Look, we’ve all been there. Your timey bullshit mystique. In essence, Last year, I was topless on the playa Nothing happened! My nipples didn’t us art car owners have ‘contracted’ out said they weren’t taking any couples whole camp is waiting for you on bikes there is no difference between a bikini all week long. But when it came time explode, I didn’t get pulled over, and no our vehicle for a special tour, which – only singles that night.” She also stuff after it’s been playafied in BRC was one of our Indiegogo fundraising out in the street, giving you the shit top and a burka – what stays hidden to drive home, I found myself about truckers chased me down and raped me. remembers a disturbing time when, procrasturbation when one perks. Sometimes we are out on an “a lady in her 50s, caught in a dust stare, while you’re buried headfirst will remain verboten. And I don’t to strap my bikini top back on. But I For reals, you sad, fucking ninnies: intentionally – and pleasurably – delays in your disheveled bins in an endless know about you, but I find it super stopped myself – wait, I’m a bad-ass a nipple is little more than a patch Artery tour. They don’t allow pick- storm in deep playa and having a mild ups midway – you have to meet at asthma attack, was actually told that getting something important done for pursuit of looking for that one thing: fucking unconstitutional that a man freedom fighter. What the fuck am I of dark skin. Especially here in Black their camp BRC the Artery to board. And sometimes she was too old and ugly to ride!” that elusive accessory that would really can walk shirtless down any street in doing kowtowing to convention? Fuck Rock City… GET OVER IT! we are truly full. Asking is the easiest Reality Camp slang term for the complete your outfit, or that really cool way to get on.” (As opposed to just Mutant vehicles must let you on blinky light thing, or your bar cup with Default World upon re-entry after jumping on, which, as a former art Tattoogoddess, a volunteer with Burning Man the hook, or [insert lost drugs here]. You car driver, this writer can personally the Department of Mutant Vehicles are FAFFFING – fucking around for A little bump in our BRC plan attest to the annoyance and danger of said, “This [issue] has been brought up sparkle pony an often derogatory fucking forever. “hop-ons.”) before in meetings. I, too, have been term for an attractive person at Burning Sure, everyone should get the by CAPTAIN ADEQUATE Nor do I think a cradle rocks quite El Pulpo Mecanico denied rides (I know why: I’m fat and Man who brings more skimpy costumes occasional free pass to fafff out here. King Baby, as hard as Disorient. Tripping in the Rent-An-Art-Car! not hot – but I look like I could kick and glitter than water or camping gear, Just don’t become a serial fafffer. If you knocked up my girl. I’m not sure of from last year’s desert? Try tripping over playmobiles. Also known as contributing to Understandably, it costs money to your ass in the Thunderdome). If the and somehow avoids doing any work in Burning Man Bootie mashup party? Try booty wipeup are playing the part of Fafff McGee all exactly how. And now she’s about as Kickstarter or Indiegogo haul a big art car out to Black Rock City mutant vehicle is not at capacity, they their camp. In recent years, the name big and round as the Thunderdome, party. Kid, if you wanted to enter this week, be prepared to wander around the I Landgraf brings up a good point: and drive it around for a week. There’s must let you on. This is part of the agree- has been “reclaimed” as a self-affirming only with more punching and kicking world shitting all over my favorite week playa alone. Either that, or make friends before Burning Man even begins, nothing inherently wrong with people ment with the DMV that they, as art car term of defiant pride with patient people who won’t ditch you inside. She’s bloated, dizzy, nauseated, of the year, you’ve done a bang-up job. people are essentially selling rides on attempting to crowd-source the neces- owner, signed off on. If this happens and her feet hurt – pretty much how So yeah, you won’t see me there at camp just before you find that opal art cars, as “rewards” for donating to sary funds to build an art car if they can to you, please report it to the DMV. stealth newbie a Burgin who she feels stumbling back to camp after this year, or my baby momma, or the a Kickstarter or Indiegogo campaign. do it. Certainly, there’s a bit of logic in If a pattern is found, they will not be seems so instantly acclimated to Burning superhero headband, or the little bottle a typical night on the playa. new little drool bucket either. So I’ll of Fernet, or that lost bag of K! Just a few days before the gates to offering up a slot on said art car as a licensed the following year.” Man, that you would never know that it My annoying friends and relatives just have to reminisce about my past Black Rock City officially opened “thank you.” But it’s a slippery slope. Perhaps the bottom line is, as Black was actually only their first year are gushing about how excited I must times in BRC. Riding mutant vehicles this year, The Christina, a massive Rock City citizens, it’s up to all of us How to deal with a fafffer Just a few years ago – before utiligay the gay handyman in your Here’s a BRC Pro Tip: Is your girl- be to witness the miracle of birth and into oblivion, dancing to delirium, mutant vehicle built from a 65-foot Kickstarter and Indiegogo were around to make sure that mutant vehicles – little camp – every camp needs one of these friend or boyfriend taking too long to become a daddy. But since the drinking to stupification, watching the yacht, which has been cruising the – incredible, amazing art cars like the especially the ones that function as poop machine has decided to make its sunrise, and under the watchful gaze get ready? Tell them that they will look playa since 2010, had an Indiegogo Spanish galleon La Contessa were “sail- roving nightclubs – don’t turn into the “Welcome home, bitches!” grand entrance sometime around late of a huge wooden man meeting the ing the seas” of the Black Rock Desert same sort of douchey VIP clubs for the new-and-improved way to greet people terrible in anything they wear and leave August (yeah, approximately today, woman who would one day bear our them behind. Their anger and need for Wayne Stadler The Christina without annual pleas for cash that came young and beautiful that exists back in upon arrival in Black Rock City dear reader), all I know is this – this child, and knowing that sharing all of with VIP treatment for the donors. the Default World. Although for many retribution will psychically lead them to little human is keeping me from much the same as if I went to the Burn these things with her made every Burn white trash Sunday the last day wherever you are anyway, but at least And they certainly didn’t care what you Burners, such as Austin Garatoni aka attending my first burn in 8 years, and anyway. since so much better. Oh crap – have I looked like before letting you aboard – Bad Energy of Fandango village, it’s of Burning Man, when you are so trashed you won’t miss the 8th set of DJ Who as happy about it I’m about But it won’t be the same. absorbed gushy pregger hormones or as long as you turned your blinky shit already too late. “I usually just pre- from a week of partying in the desert Gives a Shit. as a shirtcocker is about being For starters, I don’t imagine something? I’d better cut this off right off. Taking that into consideration, a emptively give them the finger,” he that all you can manage to do is sit in a It might seem cruel, but veteran told to exercise good taste. BABIES ­­­ this baby will be spouting fire now. We’ll see you next year, even if sparkle pony nowadays might have had says whenever an art car filled with camp chair and drink beer Kidsville Burners know that often the key to ever Now, I know what you’re thinking from most of its appendages. I don’t it’s in , with a badass one-year- a harder time getting on La Contessa “woo-ing” sparkle ponies rolls past actually leaving your camp is to follow – having a kid means that things are think a stroller rolling the sidewalk and old piece of MOOP in tow. than others. him blasting loud dubstep or techno. List by: Adrian Roberts, Dave Decibel, this mantra: “Leave a man behind!” going to get messy and loud, with decorated with teddy bears is quite as At least this year I get forced to Over the years, many Burners have “I wouldn’t want my presence to inter- Eric ShutterSlut, Kit O’Connell, Seth & Don’t be a fafff-enabler! sleepless nights, and lots of vomit and exciting as a dusty pirate ship rolling hear bloodcurdling baby cries instead started to look at mutant vehicles dif- fere with their shitty music and furry Nick, Tapout, Willow BRC pee on my clothes – basically, pretty the playa decorated with sparkle ponies. of dubstep. James Addison ferently, no longer thinking of them as fucking boots.” BRC