Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Andre, Eye Candy and Local Tidbits

Giant Steps

Phillipe and Jorge’s movie of the week has to be Andre the Giant, now running on HBO stations. Andre Roussimoff was the famously huge French wrestler who became a cult figure and huge draw in the wrestling world (and The Princess Bride) in the 1980s, but who eventually fell victim to the gigantism that saw him reach over 7 feet tall and 400 pounds.

Phillipe actually had a chance to interview Andre the Giant when he came to wrestle at the old Rocky Hill Fairgrounds in East Greenwich, a time when P was doing his sports column, “On the Ball and Off the Wall.” This was back before the glitz, light shows, blaring rock music and packed arenas arrived with the WWF and “Wrestlemania,” and even the biggest stars regularly did barnstorming tours to such glamorous sites as Rocky Hill. On this occasion he was headlining along with the legendary Fabulous Moolah, who, while a pioneer in women’s wrestling, had to be in her 40s at the time. But she, like Andre, could put asses in seats.

At any rate, in a scene resembling something out of a Marx Brothers movie, P ended up crammed into a single-wide trailer that was like a hothouse along with the massive Andre, Moolah and another wrestler, Pat Patterson, who spent the entire time of P’s interviews with Andre and Moolah bumming cigarettes off of him. But Andre was a gentle giant — pardon the cliché — and was sucking down beers and politely answering questions, until P asked about the matches being scripted, and did he enjoy the theater aspect? At this, Andre glared down at him (and P is 6’3” on his own) and said, “There is nothing funny about wrestling.” This signaled the end of the interview, but Moolah graciously said we could do her interview outside.

Andre went on to do some acting jobs in Hollywood (The Princess Bride, notably), but his body was breaking down due to the gigantism and he died at age 47 when his heart gave out. But the documentary provides an incredible look at an amazing man.

Clueless

The bad taste bell started ringing at Casa Diablo as soon as the special NFL draft double issue of Sports Illustrated came through the mail slot recently. On the cover was a photo of a shirtless Penn State star running back Saquon Barkley, augmented by a photo inside of Barkley leaping with a football wearing only football pants and cleats. Sort of like SI’s version of their notorious swimsuit issue, but this for the ladies and the superior behavior crowd. Barkley deserved the exposure, so to speak, as he was the second overall pick in the eventual draft a week later.

But it seemed a bit offensive to have a Penn State player a-flexing and a-swinging in a national magazine given Penn State’s recent horrific sex scandal regarding assistant coach Jerry Sandusky’s having abused and raped young men at PSU, which was shamefully covered up for years. That led to time in prison for him, and the cover-up cost previously revered head coach Joe Paterno his job and his legacy. We hope Sandusky isn’t allowed Sports Illustrated while in chokey.

How any editor at SI could be that clueless and tone deaf about this layout boggles the mind. But that’s why they call sports the toy section at newspapers.

Awful Tower

So New York developer Jason Fanes’ hideous proposed 46-story residential tower on the old I-195 land next to the Providence River is going to be Our Little Towne’s Eiffel Tower? Not bloody likely, and P & J can’t believe he had the audacity to claim that at a recent public hearing. Might P & J suggest Eyeful Tower? Or even better, Awful Tower? Then again, selling any blind pig in La Prov always will have takers.

RIPTA World

Your superior correspondents are pleased to see that longtime Casa Diablo regular, Scott Avedisian, will be stepping down as mayor of Warwick in order to take on the duties of head ramrod at RIPTA. Jorge (Rudy Cheeks), who has been a RIPTA rider for decades, suggests that there should be a representative of the bus drivers’ union and a person who is a regular passenger serving on the board of directors for RIPTA. We are not sure if Scott or Governor Raimondo is the person who appoints the board, but we would implore both of them to support such an initiative. We believe such additions would improve service. (We may be wrong, but P&J believe that there is no one currently on the board of directors or in any leadership position at RIPTA who regularly rides the buses.)

Quote of the Month for April, 2018

The Bellowing Bonehead (and Vo Dilun’s leading Trump supporter), Joe Trillo, stated in an op-ed piece in the BlowJo, regarding a recent incident of obvious racial profiling at a Starbucks coffee shop in Philadelphia, Penn, (referring to Starbucks CEO, Kevin Johnson, who apologized on behalf the company): “Grow a backbone, Mr. Johnson.” Our response to Mr. Trillo (who somehow thinks his ignorant bleatings will get him elected governor of RI: “Grow a brain and an ability to empathize with people other than men with a dearth of melanin, Mr. Trillo.” Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: JARheads, Candidates and Kudos & Congrats

JARheads

Phillipe and Jorge are a bit late to the party concerning the Sinclair Broadcasting/Channel 10 debacle over shilling for President Pussy Grabber, but we’ve never been averse to putting the boot in once a man is down.

To be brief, Sinclair, which is owner of WJAR-Channel 10 and nearly 200 other local stations in the country, are professional Trump stalking horses, and remain a despicable member of the media. They coerced (no doubt with the threat of handing them a pink slip) their stations nationwide, including the JARheads, to put two of their on-air folks (in this case Frank Coletta and Alison Bologna) to deliver their distorted message. They then read, hostage tape-style, a screed that chastised “other” media outlets for airing the Orange Orangutan’s favorite fallback, fake news, while assuring us all that Channel 10 was above that. That flawed and arrogant presentation has been widely and rightly condemned in the national media, and locally in pieces by Urinal editor Alan Rosenberg and a biting Urinal op-ed by former TV anchor Dave Layman (see “Kudos and Congrats” below).

The problem here is the heavy-handed demand of all stations to put on the same holier-than-thou pontificating as a “must run” piece, along the lines of other Sinclair-mandated “must run” pro-Trump commentaries like those of Boris Epshtyn, a former Trump senior advisor, thundering on in a thinly veiled promotion of the president’s policies under the Sinclair flag. This was hilariously (and frighteningly) pulled together by the website Deadspin in a montage of dozens of stations, including Channel 10, rote reading the pre-scripted dialogue that reeked of Orwell’s Big Brother or a North Korean televised public appearance by Kim Jong-Un with the audience applauding like trained seals with the fear of a gun barrel being pressed against their temple otherwise.

The gun in this case is the offensive “no compete” clause in most all contracts for on-air personalities, which whether the person quits or is fired, prohibits them from appearing on another station in the same media market for a year. That means anyone who can’t make it for a year without getting a paycheck had either to suck it up or start rehearsing their “Would you like fries with that?” delivery.

As far as Alison Bologna is concerned, she is a very replaceable talking hairdo whom the JARheads could replace in a heartbeat. She no doubt understands that and was loathe to throw a career and salary out the window. But Coletta is a different story.

Frank is a local lad who famously appeared as a kid on the legendary Salty Brine’s children’s show on WJAR back in the Paleozoic, and has been an almost ever-present, recognizable and popular figure on the station’s airway since he joined the JARheads. His avuncular, warmly smiling presence on the morning news has become the face of Channel 10. P&J have also always considered him a friend, and have admired his work, as well as hearing through our backchannel sources at WJAR that he was a stand-up guy who has gone to bat for his co-workers when the situation demanded.

In this case, Coletta appears to have been on his knees rather than his hind legs. If there was anyone who could have stood up to Sinclair’s thuggish oafs, it was Coletta. There would be public outcry if he was axed for not kowtowing to his all-controlling masters at Sinclair, because as all Vo Dilunders know, we can criticize a home boy or girl, but you don’t let an outsider dare go after one of our own.

That is the reason why Coletta’s fall from grace impacts the credibility of the entire JARhead news department. If you can turn Frank, you can turn anyone. If we can’t trust our old buddy to just be a front man for a bunch of corporate media greedheads, upon whom can we rely? And the compromise is complete. You can’t regain your virginity, and you can’t be “just a little bit” pregnant.

Hey, Frank, how about a morning “coffee cup salute” to backing down? “The team you can trust”? Right. About as far as you can throw them.

Sub-Genius Gubernatorial Candidates

Your superior correspondents acknowledge that we’re not entirely enthusiastic about Gina the Queena of the Vo Dilun Jungle, but at least we have seen her perambulate on her hind legs. The same can not be said of Republican hopeful, Joe Trillo. As longtime P&J readers know, we dubbed former governor Bruce Sundlun “Captain Blowhard.” But one thing we can say for the late Captain is that he laughed at that designation. He was also a knowledgeable and competent chief executive who was responsible for more than a few improvements in state government. On the other hand, Trillo is a blowhard with no notable achievements to point to in his many years in Halitosis Hall. Apparently, the main selling point of his campaign for governor is the fact that he was the Biggest Little’s point man for the current “stable genius” occupant of the White House. Since we have not seen any recent reports indicating that he is currently walking erect, it can be assumed that he has taken to all fours. (We base this speculation in hearing his most recent pronouncements on his natural habitat, talk radio.) It’s a virtual tie for worst announced gubernatorial candidate, between Trillo and the pathological train wreck that is Giovanni Feroce, the former Benrus CEO, who is currently being sued by the NFL’s Buffalo Bills for nearly $1 million for, according to the Bills, welching on a sponsorship agreement he entered into with the team in October 2014. The Bills presented evidence in court that, at the time Feroce made the deal with the football team, he didn’t own the rights to the Benrus trademark. Your superior correspondents assume our readers are familiar with Feroce’s shenanigans while at the helm of Alex & Ani. We continue to be amazed at how this “swinging genius” was able to live like a multi-millionaire for so many years without having any real assets. The whole thing is right out of the Trump playbook. Of course, we are not the only average citizens of the Biggest Little who can see that. We hope that the lesson learned is that this is no way to behave.

Kudos & Congrats

….to the late, great Providence Journal photographer Bob Thayer, tenacious state house reporter Katherine “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill” Gregg and longtime Newport Daily News reporter Joe Baker, who have all been slated for induction into the Rhode Island Journalism Hall of Fame on April 27. …to Casa Diablo regular and former TV anchorman, Dave Layman, for his insightful and no-holds- barred BlowJo op-ed article concerning Sinclair Broadcast Group and the near-impossible position it put its local anchors in by forcing them to read idiotic statements about allegedly biased journalism, ie, any news stories that might question the ridiculous utterances of the current President of the United States. (See item above.) Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Pope Frankie, Knowing a Guy and Passages

Cruisin’ for a Love

Phillipe and Jorge rarely see eye-to-eye with Pope Frankie of the Vatican, except to acknowledge that he is indeed a member of the Catholic faith and that bears do continue to defecate with regularity in the woods.

Despite Frankie’s continuing the tradition of swanning around the globe in red slippers and gilded evening gowns, he has shown more of a touch for the common man (still lagging on the female side, however, big guy) as he does his world tours. Certainly a little closer to reality and good taste than his predecessors, who put on the dog so much they looked like they wanted to be contestants in the senior division of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

Nowhere was this more evident than recently in South America, where Frankie decided to ditch the notorious “Popemobile,” which always made the reigning pontiff look like the centerpiece of a “Lord of the Mannequins” float in the Rose Bowl parade, favoring what appeared to be a cheap Japanese model sedan. Frankie cut quite the figure riding in the back seat looking like one of the hombres cruising the main drag in San Bernadino, hanging out the window and trying to pick some hot senoritas.

It is always nice to see Frankie and the Catholic all-male leadership reaching out to their public, especially when their targets are women of a legal age. (Geddit?)

Not So Smart

As most people know, telling a police officer or nightclub doorkeeper cum bouncer, “Do you know who I am?” when confronted is a surefire winner — provided your goal was to ensure you would be arrested or banned from the popular bar after having received a shot to the head and being kicked to the curb.

The downside of trying to high-hat people by claiming you are of untouchable and weighty importance and “know people” seems to have eluded our governor, Gigi Raimondo, especially when dealing with federal authorities, who are perhaps even more brass-necked and easily pissed off than a cop or goon at the bar entrance who really doesn’t care who you are. This has been true in two of Gigi’s biggest embarrassments while in office, the UHIP benefits fiasco and the blatant backhanded and well- concealed diversion of 911 funding into the political slush fund known as the general fund on Smith Hill. (P&J will just let the “Warmer and Cooler” debacle speak for itself. But wouldn’t it have been “cooler” if as part of her promotion of this idiotic PR dumpster fire Gigi got the slogan tattooed on her arm as a show of support when it was launched before the shit hit the fan at the speed of light?)

One of Gigi’s biggest faults is that she always thinks she is the smartest person in the room. Unfortunately for Vo Dilunders, she is wrong, and too often.

In the case of UHIP, Gigi demanded that the new computer system be put on-line before it or those who would be using it were ready, obviously attempting to bask in the reflected glow as the champion of the huddled masses. This despite the very clear and forceful message from the feds that it was not ready for prime time and should not be launched prematurely. The result was a totally flawed, and — how to say this nicely? — completely fucked-up system that resulted in thousands of needy Rhode Islanders being deprived of money needed for such frivolous items as food and shelter. Many beneficiaries are still not getting their proper benefits thanks to Gigi deciding she knew better than the experts.

The UHIP disaster continues now that the special master for the system has demanded that outside help be contracted to help handle processing and calls, the latter having a mere two-hour average for those put on hold. Nice work, gang.

The 911 emergency funding, according to the Federal Communications Commission, was “stolen” from the funding stream coming from what you see on your phone bill as a “911 fee.” But you have to give credit to Gigi and the general assembly for this bare-faced and unapologetic heist, which clandestinely transferred $11.6 million (!) of the revenue to the general fund of the $16.8 allotted to the emergency service. Now that takes balls if you expected to defend it once you have been outed, as Gigi and Halitosis Hall denizens were recently.

Anyone familiar with Little Rhody politics knows the general fund is just a slop bucket used by assembly leadership — in this case, obviously with Governor Raimondo’s knowledge — to plug budget mistakes or grease necessary palms. While Gigi told the feds the money — all $5.2 million of the designated $$16.8 million — was being well spent on 911 programs and staff, other emergency experts pointed out that other states, instead of picking the taxpayers’ pockets, were installing advanced technology and training programs in the 911 system that would help responders save more lives.

Beside being appalling and embarrassing (the latter emotion which Gigi and assembly leaders are obviously immune to feeling), this is downright lying to the public. But Gigi knows best. That’s how you get to be when you’re the smartest person in the room. Provided that room’s a vomitorium.

Passages

A number of prominent Vo Dilundahs (Casa Diablo regulars all) passed away since the last Motif, and we would like to note their passings. …Charlie Reckard was a good friend of P&J’s, going back to his days as a bartender at the late, lamented, Leo’s bar and restaurant. Charlie was a strong supporter of the arts (music, in particular) and could be seen at all sorts of music events and art gallery openings. He was a kind and jolly fellow. Our condolences to his wife, Lucia O’Reilly, and his family and many friends. …District Court Judge Bill Clifton was a groundbreaking black jurist who was one of the most brilliant legal minds we knew. His wife, O. Rogeriee Thompson, sits on the federal First Circuit Court of Appeals and is also a great jurist. Our condolences to her and also to Bill’s brother, Ed Clifton (a retired RI Superior Court judge), Ed’s wife, Audrey, and to the entire Clifton family.

…Tom Griffin was a prolific playwright (The Boys Next Door, Einstein and the Polar Bear, Pasta) and a talented actor at Trinity Rep for many years. Jorge (Rudy Cheeks) remembers Tom as giving one of the finest performances he ever saw in the theater at URI, many years ago. The director, Judith Swift, introduced Jorge to the theater department performances. Jorge was also a neighbor of Tom’s on the East Side of Providence back in the 1980s. These were all notable Rhode Islanders — people who helped make the Biggest Little the great place it is. All were people we felt great affection for and they will be sorely missed.

Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: The Good News, the Bad News, the Local News

The Good News

A few articles in the Friday, March 9, New York Times gave Phillipe & Jorge reason to believe that the patriarchal culture in a number of countries may be crumbling. International Women’s Day (March 8) gave rise to feminist groups in Spain urging women to spend no money on that day and and also to ignore chores and go on “domestic strike.” One hundred and twenty demonstrations throughout Madrid featured women banging pots and pans and shouting slogans. Spanish television had extensive coverage of the actions that protested the wide gap in pay between men and women. There were similar activities in England, France and Italy, while, in the Philippines, women crowded the streets to denounce the President, Rodrigo Duterte. In China, female students at Tsinghua University led protests against President Xi Jinping’s suspension of term limits in a move to stay in power indefinitely. Women marched in Kabul and Afghanistan, and in Seoul, South Korea, there were also women-led protests and rallies. In Argentina, social activists called on women to go on strike. It may only be a beginning, but these indications of a worldwide awakening heartened your superior correspondents. Positive news, indeed.

The Bad News

Reports from around the world trace the travels of former Breitbart and Trump operative, Steve Bannon, as he heads to numerous European capitals to stir up fascist elements. This guy appears to be a freelance international agent of evil. We people who oppose hatred and movements that thrive on separatism and divisiveness have our work cut out for us. That a United States citizen is the poster boy for such movements in so many places is more than disgusting. And yet, there are still people who look at the current President of the United States and the cast of characters he has introduced and say, “But he’s better than Hillary.” This is not about conservative vs. liberal anymore, folks. Woe is us. Record and Memorabilia Collectors Unite In just a few short weeks there will be another meeting of The Original Southern New England Rock ‘n’ Roll Collectors Convention. It’s set for Sunday, March 18, at the new permanent location for the convention, the Ramada Hotel in Seekonk on Taunton Ave (next to Tasca Ford). All 50 tables have been sold, and hopefully, the worst of the winter weather is behind us, and we’ll have a nice day for the show. Dr. Oldie himself has recovered from his recent accident, and will be returning to his usual spot. The usual details: Doors open at 10 and close at 3. Admission is still only three bucks (exact change always appreciated), and early admission begins at 8:30am for $10. So, if you’ve been suffering from cabin fever, this is your big chance to have something to do.

RIP, Louis Vinagro The well-known hog farmer and recycler will be at the Legends table for Sunday brunch at the Hades Retirement Villa with Sal Mancini, Buddy Cianci and Frank “Bobo” Marapese. The Villa is a Richard Baccari development.

In the early 1990s, Jorge used to do an afternoon drive talk radio show at the highly dubious WALE-AM station where, for a while, the equally dubious pig farmer also did a show that would start after Jorge’s. He used to appear carrying his custom-made leather briefcase that was in the shape of a pig.

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Kettle Goes Down, Squirrels and World Wars

A Fine Kettle of Fish

It’s probably a good thing that Nicholas Kettle, the 27-year-old Republican state senator, has resigned from the RI Senate and the whole sordid mess he’s embroiled in will be heard in court. Accusations of twice extorting sex from a teenaged state house page and sharing nude photographs of his ex-girlfriend with a friend of his from New Hampshire is some serious business for sure.

Nicholas Kettle

Of course, P&J found some of the particulars of the accusations (such as that he allegedly met the “friend” from New Hampshire through the Boy Scouts) as even more jaw-dropping. That the state police arrested Kettle based on the evidence they compiled leads us to suspect there is plenty of reason for concern. All of the Biggest Little will be following this unsavory saga in the coming weeks and months.

George Washington’s Hair An unusual story in the Feb 19 New York Times caught your superior correspondents’ eyes. It was about a librarian at New York’s Union College discovering an old leather-bound book with an envelope in it purportedly containing a lock of George Washington’s hair. That the trade in samples of our first president’s hair have been as numerous as fake samples of the “Holy Foreskin” were in ages past makes this the sort of discovery that is right up the Cool, Cool World’s alley. Needless to say, this was of special interest to Jorge (Rudy Cheeks), most of whose hair departed his scalp decades ago. His first thought was to see if he could gather up enough of George’s hair to fashion a toupee that he could wear in a bizarre salute to the late Bud-I. As longtime Vo Dilunduhs know, Mayor Cianci’s pricey rugs (or “squirrels, as he took to calling them) were part of his legend. Although Jorge would love to have a George Washington rug fashioned for him, his lack of funds to buy up the hair samples makes this an unlikely prospect and, starting up a GoFundMe for such a dubious endeavor seems like a non-starter. Prelude to the Next World War? One of the worst ideas in recent weeks was the offer to the Trump Administration by big-time GOP donor, Las Vegas casino owner and multi-billionaire Sheldon Adelson, to finance the building of a new US embassy in Jerusalem (a $500 million project) to replace the current embassy in Tel Aviv. This is, of course a major sore spot for Muslims worldwide. Just as crazed and problematic is the idea of a wealthy private donor having such an active role in US foreign policy. And you wonder why Phillipe and Jorge sense that the world really has gone crazy. Sleep tight, living beings on earth. Kudos and Congrats …..to the URI men’s basketball team who automatically qualified for this year’s NCAA tournament by finishing first in the Atlantic 10 conference. Go Rhody and good luck, Rams.

Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Parades, Perplexity and Predictions

Sieg Heil!

Phillipe and Jorge are absolutely physically exhausted this week despite the daily attention of our masseurs, Romeo and Julian.

The cause of this distress is training for our roles in President Pussy-grabber’s military parade, which we find a bit ludicrous since The Donald’s father paid off a doctor to say that his chickenshit son couldn’t serve in the Vietnam War because he had bone spurs in his foot, which as we all know leave you practically totally debilitated. Also ludicrous is the fact that when questioned on the campaign trail about this affliction, the Orange Orangutan couldn’t even remember which foot the bone spurs were in. And trust P&J, anyone of that era who went through the draft lottery or was looking to avoid a trip to Saigon by whatever means will forever remember what kept them Stateside.

OK, back to our physical ordeal. We spent eight hours a day prepping for the upcoming delusional military show of force, currently embraced by such champions of liberty as Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, by goose-stepping around the pool at Casa Diablo, and then thrusting our arms skyward in a fascist salute that would have brought tears to the eyes of Herr Hitler.

The total insanity of having a military parade is almost dwarfed by how much taxpayer money it will cost to put on. The jet fuel alone to bring tanks to DC is more than most of our readers earn in a year. No, make that 10 years.

But as La Prov has lost its bid for Amazon’s HQ2 site (and what an arrogant and offensive thing to call it HQ2 – which appropriately rhymes with “Eff you”) may we suggest that our capital host

the military parade? It could proceed around Kennedy Plaza, with our armed services members in what we would assume would be full battle armor throwing loose cigarettes, coins and Subway discount coupons to the homeless who call that place their home. And Providence Mayor Jorge Elorza could reprise Michael Dukakis’ infamous photo taken on the turret of a tank wearing a helmet that was about 10 sizes too large. (See: Spaceballs, the movie in which Rick Moranis does a take-off on Darth Vader as the character “Dark Helmet” wearing a hat the size of a Crock-Pot.)

P&J Predict

Not that your superior correspondents want to steal any of (the late) Criswell’s thunder, but we predict that Mr. Microphone is about ready for a comeback. If you’re an older citizen of the US of A, like Phillipe & Jorge, you may remember this gizmo as a cheap plastic microphone one could hook up to an FM radio in order to broadcast as you drove past a lovely young lass, vitally important messages such as, “Hey, good lookin’. We’ll be back to pick you up later.”

We are unsure if the copyright on this product is still owned by Ronco, the home of Veg-O-Matic, Ginsu Knives and other memorable items, but we believe, if currently available, it would be as popular today as it was in its 1970s heyday (and just as annoying). Of course, rather than television commercials, it would be marketed using Facebook and YouTube. We believe the current president would be one of the first to use the new Mr. Microphone.

Send in the Clown

P&J rarely get ruffled by the most appalling news, intending to observe the absurdity of life on a day-to- day basis and laugh about it, but we finally reached a breaking point.

When you accuse lawmakers in Congress of being “treasonous” (a word he probably can’t spell) because they didn’t applaud during President Predator’s state of the union was laughable, and revealed what a different universe he lives in. As do his supporters.

We simply can’t understand all of these supposed “salt of the earth” white guys (Wardrobe, please place John Deere baseball hat on shaved head) that are always featured on TV newscasts defending our obviously quite insane president. Unless you are a blatant racist, which always speaks for itself. (And just for horribly inspired laughs, may we say some of our good friends are black. Or maybe they are just playing us, and think we are a-holes. That should keep us up all night questioning our integrity.)

P&J have spent a good deal of our lives on bar stools, for better or worse. And while we are fairly open- minded, we know what kind of male behavior (sorry girls, but most of you are 10 times more ethically decent than your average guy) can pass muster.

So how does a dickhead like Donald Trump get the support of the people who are supposed to be the most upstanding and most representative of America? Just for starters, were he to walk into a local bar anywhere, he would be laughed out of the room just based on his hair-do.

Why don’t any media interviewers ask these White Van Man supposedly iconic tough guys sucking down a shot and a beer how they would look upon someone like The Donald loudly boasting at the bar about grabbing their wife or daughter’s pussy? Or having him stiff them on a construction gig, for which this punk president is famous?

All these clowns have given us the worst president in history. Congratulations. Hope a tornado hits you soon, since it can’t be a result of non-existent global climate change.

Auntie Em! Auntie Em!

Kudos and Congrats

…to the recently resigned chair of the Providence Democratic City Committee, Patrick Ward, for proving that the leadership of his party can act just as stupidly as RI Republicans, like the extraordinarily retrograde GOP gubernatorial candidate, Joe Trillo. Ward apologized and resigned after posting a Facebook meme of a scene from “The Godfather, Part II” with Michael Corleone and Fredo Corleone, labeled “David” and “John,” respectively, interpreted as an anti-Italian slur against city councilors David Salvatore and John Iggliozzi. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Trillo has challenged perennial candidate, Chris Young, to a race to see which one can perambulate the farthest on their hind legs. As the slates for both major parties become more clear, we hope that voters are beginning to educate themselves on how to do a “write-in” ballot. This should be a big year for write-in votes here in the Ocean State.

On “Role Models”

The questionable behavior of those Providence teachers who showed up at the State of the City address a few weeks back illustrates how difficult it is these days for young people to find proper role models. It was reported that several hundred protestors filled City Hall and drowned out the mayor’s speech, forcing him to stop several times, repeat himself and shout to be heard. Obviously no one is looking toward elected officials, teachers and other sources from the past for inspiration. Woe is us in 2018 as we enter Bizarro World here in the land of the brave and the free. Sleep tight, readers, and work for cultural change while most of us are now working for what we used to call “chump change.” Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Jock Talk, Budget Balancing and Advancing in the Arts

Jockular

Spoiler alert: Although this item addresses sports, we promise it does not include one word about the S*per B*wl, which by now you are all gagging on because of the overstuffed, nacho-flavored, melted- Velveeta-drenched media non-news monster it has become for media folks who need to fill print space and air time until kickoff. You’re welcome.

Basketball’s Rodney Dangerfield:

It is really a sad story, and indicative of The Biggest Little’s provincial and Providence-oriented worldview, that after all the hubbub and headlines about the URI basketball team’s entry into the top 25 of the weekly national polls, that they still have no legitimate TV contract that guarantees local Rams fans they can see them play, especially on the road. That, in itself, is shameful.

URI’s brass-balled coach Danny Hurley has turned his team into a monster, one that qualified for the NCAA tournament last year, and appears to be on the road to March Madness again. The problem is they play in the Atlantic 10 conference, which gets no respect on the national stage unless you put a finger up people’s noses, which Hurley and URI are doing.

This is not to denigrate Providence College, which has an equally compelling story of little guys squaring up against any all comers, and also made the NCAAs last year. And admittedly, La Prov native son PC coach Ed Cooley’s resurrection story is on par with Hurley’s. But with the éclat of the Big East conference sitting on their shoulder, they have everything but their practices on national TV.

It is too late to do anything about it this year, but may P&J suggest the omniscient Cox network do the right thing and lock in URI’s entire schedule for next year right now, and show them they are recognized and appreciated as a legit player on the national stage? Thank you.

Number Four:

Rhode Island is a hockey state, always was, always will be. Apropos of that, local old boy Vin Cimini recently announced the founding of the Rhode Island Hockey Hall of Fame, long overdue. (A blown kiss here from P&J to Chuck “Heckle” Scherza.)

Here’s one of the things that spurred Cimini to take action.

Cimini gave a gift of a Boston Bruins Bobby Orr replica jersey to one of his hockey-playing nephews. Cimini takes it from there: “He opened it up in the locker room with all of his teammates and he looked at the back of it and said to his father, ‘Who’s Orr?’ That amazed me.”

A shout out here to Robert Mitchum in the iconic scene at the Boston Garden during a Bruins game in the movie The Friends of Eddie Coyle, shuffling shitfaced back to his seat with a couple of beers in his hands, yelling, “Numbah foah, Bobby Oah!”

Oops:

Okay, despite our promise at the top of this article, here’s a Super Bowl reference. (Yeah, we lied, so sue us. (please don’t – ed.)) Although it impossibly dates him, Phillipe’s two favorite teams are in Super Bowl LII, the Eagles being the childhood heroes of the little nipper back when he lived just outside Philly during part of his Wonder Years. This was reinforced by two major things: 1) P’s father employed future Iggles and NFL legend Chuck Bednarik in the summer while he was in college at Penn; and, 2) the second NFL game P ever attended was the 1960 NFL Championship game at Franklin Field when Philadelphia beat the Green Bay Packers, 17-13, when Bednarik tackled the Packers’ fullback, Jim Taylor, at the Iggles’ 15-yard line as time ran out, lying on top of him and famously saying to Taylor face-mask-to-face-mask, “You’re not getting up until this fucking game is over!” Cue the final whistle. Older and wiser, P now says, “Go Pats!”

The High Road at Halitosis Hall

Perhaps after a year of President Pussy-grabber in office, our brains have been numbed to stupidity and incompetence, not to mention flagrant insults to our intelligence.

That is the only factor Phillipe and Jorge can think of when we look at Governor Gigi’s proud declaration that we will soon be balancing the state budget on the backs of legalized sports betting and marijuana revenues. Wow! Bow-wow! Where is the outrage?

This, we believe, does not really qualify as fiscal legitimacy or responsibility. But it may if someone would please just buy us 10 more rounds of Pernod and grapefruit cocktails and have our chauffeur, James, drive us back to Casa Diablo before we throw up in the back seat. And if it weren’t for those pesky and repressive sex slave trafficking laws that we doubt will soon be rescinded, Little Rhody might have had another future avenue to financial success.

As P and J’s sainted mothers might have said, “Are you shitting me?” We’ll leave it at that. Way to take the high road, Gigi.

Kudos and Congrats (to some local arts heroes)

Your superior correspondents were greatly pleased to see the great actor (who spent so many years at Trinity Rep), Richard Jenkins, nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his work in The Shape of Water, one of the most acclaimed films of 2017. Dick’s been there before, having been nominated in the Best Actor category for The Visitor (2007). Another interesting tidbit for longtime Vo Dilunduhs about The Shape of Water is that former URI sociology professor, Richard Gelles’ daughter- in-law, Vanessa Taylor, co-wrote the script. (Jorge took a class with Professor Gelles many years ago and, despite having been a lousy student, remains friends with him.) In another burst of thespian brilliance, Trinity Rep stalwart and recent Scrooge Joe Wilson will be taking a season off to grace Broadway with his performance as Joe Mott in The Iceman Cometh, performing opposite some guy named Denzel Washington. We also would like to mention the passing of the beloved Pawtucket dance instructor Theresa Landry, at age 96. She taught up until she turned 93 and was a true Vo Dilun treasure. Jorge was friendly with her and will miss her (as will so many others). Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: See Ya’ ’17, Environmental Concerns and Local Notables

2017

Perhaps only Phillipe and Jorge know how difficult keeping the Cool, Cool World going for over 38 years has been, but this past year has been especially challenging in a world seemingly gone mad. As Jorge’s brilliant friend the Sun Queen recently put it, “Just a bunch of creators and destroyers, wandering around earth with only a dim vision left of how beautiful Life is and can be.” It does not seem like the same world we inhabited when we started this thing back in 1979. Back then, we were writing satirical commentary, but when the world itself appears to have become a parody of what it once was, your superior correspondents now feel like we are making reliable and thoughtful statements on the condition of the world (with an emphasis on our community, the United States of America — well, at least they once were united). Environmental Chaos Nothing may be more concerning to P&J than our poor stewardship of planet Earth. A front-page story in the Fri, Jan 5, New York Times reported that the Trump Administration would “allow new offshore oil and gas drilling in nearly all United States coastal waters … in an effort to promote energy production.” Of course we need energy, but why no emphasis on natural alternatives like wind and solar sources? This is obviously a sop to the wealthy energy industry. Our interest is in promoting policies that protect and maintain the planet we live on for future generations. Matters such as sanely addressing global climate change (rather than ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence about the damage we’re doing) are things we must face today. The Stable Genius Up until the guy who got elected president of “you know where” used the phrase in a tweet not too long ago, your superior correspondents always associated the phrase “stable genius” with equine star of the 1960s sitcom Mr. Ed. Now Wilbur, you learn something new every day.

Reflections on Our Little Towne

Another shocking realization for your superior correspondents has been the recent report on the behavior of former boxing champion Vinny Paz, someone P&J have known (or more accurately, Vinny Paz did know), and who we once admired for his courage and work ethic. Is it money and success that gets to people like Paz and Matt Lauer (another old acquaintance)? Our sense of human nature is such that we know there is good and bad in all of us, but we have become saddened by revelations of how some of us mishandle things.

Tom Morgan Finally, we want to mention the passing of ace journalist and all-around good guy Tom Morgan, who died a few weeks back. There were plenty of deserved tributes in the local media and we’d like to join the chorus. We especially remember late night visits to Tom’s apartment after Hope’s bar would close for the night, and Tom would invite a small crew over to eat the excellent food he would whip up and have another drink or puff of something equally intoxicating. He is greatly missed by his family and many friends. Rest in peace, Tom, and thanks for all the good times.

Hail and Farewell

Wanted to note the passing last week of Olive Loretta Young Gockley (nee Porter). She was known as Molly, which she changed her name to later in life because she couldn’t stand the name Olive. Typical of a woman who took things into her own hands when it just wasn’t right.

She fought through being widowed at age 34 with three kids aged 9, 3 and 1. Remarried a hell of a guy, which we guess you shouldn’t say about a minister. And after he also died, ended up partners with a wonderful RISD grad from Warwick down in Florida. At age 92, Molly had a good, long, almost always fun run, because she wouldn’t have had it otherwise. Even at her memorial service, she would have been first to say, “Hey, why all the long faces? Perk up!”

See ya and love ya, Mom. Thanks for everything. – Phillipe

Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: You Hip to UHIP, Net Neutrality and Sentimentality

Big News

It is a bit surprising, but not at all incorrect, to see that the Pell Center, the local journalism overseer in the state, has named the United Health Infrastructure Project (UHIP) computer system idiocy at the RI Department of Human Services the 2017 Rhode Island Story of the Year.

Surprising in that it beat out the much more “if it bleeds it leads” news mantra-oriented recent police chase, stolen state police car and hail-of-bullets shooting worthy of Sam Peckinpah on Route 95 in Providence.

The Center’s panel cited the many ways that Governor Gigi and the state screwed up the UHIP computer system introduction by putting it online despite being told it wasn’t ready to go and with inadequately trained employees, firing three top state officials (oh, excuse us, they “resigned”) because they were out of their depth and scapegoats were needed, and receiving a lawsuit from the ACLU that led to a special master being appointed to try to clean up this clusterfuck.

The panel also cited the fact that the incompetence and arrogance displayed by the administration may not have led to bloodshed, but certainly extreme heartache and anxiety by the people who had their benefits held back for weeks or not even entered into the system, when food was needed on the table and there was rent to be paid. The panel sees this as something that may factor into the 2018 gubernatorial election.

P&J do not agree, although it, along with the DMV’s computer system nightmares that Gigi inherited, will doubtless draw lots of media attention. Not to mention the botched tourism campaign, which has become a running joke — except that Raimondo shopping the creative end out of state should be a talking point. But our not cool, not warm governess will have to pull a Hillary to lose her seat by finding a way to alienate what should be locked-down votes here in Democrat heaven.

Gigi presumably will run against Republican Alan Fung – again — and Indy Joe “two assholes in one pair of pants” Trillo, who are already splitting the few votes Raimondo’s opponents could hope, and need, to get. All our Gigi has to do is keep her mouth shut on niggling and inconsequential issues like car taxes and road tolls, and set up a few photo ops of her on the beach at Sand Hill Cove this summer surrounded by her family and admiring supporters.

But kudos and congrats to the Pell Center folks for getting this one right, and a reminder to their journalistic brethren to keep their teeth sunk into the UHIP story, because this isn’t over by a long shot.

Gone Much Too Soon

With much sadness, Casa Diablo bids farewell to our friend David Jesse Long of Jamestown. David was a musician and a writer and formerly served on the Jamestown Town Council. His presence on the council, for which he was president for four years; his total involvement in the community; and his immense likeability led to him being dubbed “The Mayor of Jamestown” long after his political service ended.

David had a lifelong battle with childhood polio and its residual effects, something he never allowed to keep a permanent smile off his face. He was also an accomplished performer of many stripes and was always ready to sit down at the piano at a favorite Jamestown bistro to entertain the crowd.

Your superior correspondents recall with much pleasure the time many years ago that David invited us to give a presentation at the Jamestown Public Library. Our thoughts and prayers go out to David’s wife, Dana, and the rest of his family. David made a positive difference in so many lives, and it is just heartbreaking to have him leave us so soon.

Paying Through the Nose for Internet

The recent vote along party lines to repeal net neutrality is yet another example of the oligarchy’s unquenchable desire to have it all. Since it has to be paid for, the paying will be done by you and P&J (the average citizens on the road to serfdom). FCC chair Ajit Pai is a fully owned agent for Comcast, Verizon, AT&T and any other behemoth company that stands to rake in the moolah, so the companies are smiling with smug satisfaction today, but Phillipe & Jorge still have hopes that there can be a reversal of this money grab. It may only be a slim (Harpo) chance, but we’re willing to fight for it. Kudos to Little Rhody’s entire Congressional delegation, who vociferously opposed this move publicly after the GOP-rigged vote.

Today’s civics lesson: While looking into and trying to fully comprehend complex and labyrinthine issues being considered under the rule of President Predator, like net neutrality, the tax reform bill, deregulation of environmental laws, etc., etc., just realize that in the end, whatever is being pushed through by this Administration of Greed is that you will be handed the shit end of the stick while Corporate America celebrates with champagne at exclusive country clubs around the country and puts in orders for their new Mercedes high-end SUVs.

And We Thank You

In the effusive, overly sentimental spirit of the holiday season and as the year comes to an end, Phillipe and Jorge would like to thank all our faithful readers for once again showing their lack of taste, discretion and discrimination in what they choose to read, ie, “The Cool, Cool World.” While blood pressures and anxiety levels have skyrocketed with the election of a narcissistic child with little or no interest in anything other than himself (and money) as our Clown-in-Chief, P&J have tried to at least find some humor, often of the frighteningly absurd variety, in what comes out of our delusional, genital- grabbing president’s mouth, unfiltered by any semblance of a brain or civility.

We would also like to thank Motif publisher Mike Ryan for allowing two wiseasses to continue to spout whatever gibberish pops into their diseased brains in his august organ. And we can’t say enough good things about our lovely editor, Emily Olson, who has to directly deal with two monster raving loonies on a bi-weekly basis.

P&J must also recognize the hard work and dedication of all the staff at Motif, who keep the ball rolling in the toughest of times for print publications, and the many contributors whose great work makes us pleased and proud to say we are associated with them.

Now can we have the heavily spiked eggnog? Happy holidays. Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Local Lads and Trumpy Bear

Local Lad Makes Bad

Both Phillipe & Jorge knew NBC’s recently deposed “Today Show” host Matt Lauer back when he was doing “PM Magazine” at WJAR in Providence in the early 1980s. Lauer did a profile segment on Jorge in 1984, after Jorge began doing a talk radio show on WHJJ.

The last P&J heard about Lauer from a local was when we bumped into former La Prov Mayor “Boy Joe” Paolino at the cleaners. He said that he and another former mayor, the incomparable Buddy “Vincent A.” Cianci (you may have heard of him), ran into Matt at a New York City bar when they were out on the town for a night. He invited them to a party the next day at his home in the Hamptons, which they took him up on. Boy Joe said that they were treated like royalty by Lauer, who gushed all over them while introducing them to his friends. Ah, that Providence mystique. Do you know Raymond?

Great Wall

This is a totally below-the-radar news item, but one that deserves special mention.

AT Wall will soon retire (as of January) from his job as director of Little Rhody’s Department of Corrections. He was the longest serving corrections director in the country, and spent more than three decades working in the state’s prison system. In sitcom terms, how about telling your parents you have a BA from Yale and JD from Yale Law School and you’re going to be a Head Honcho Warden in a notoriously corrupt state?

This is a job that most people would take only if they felt the cold steel of a handgun muzzle pressed against their temple, insisting they do so. But with the inmate count now way down, not too much disruption from the unions and a fine reputation for reasonable control out at the Adult Correctional Institution, there is much for which to commend Wall.

Years ago, P&J had a lengthy interview with AT. To say we came away impressed would be an understatement. He was one of the most compassionate people we have ever met, who understood — or tried his best to do so — the plight of many of the people who get fed into the revolving door that is our prison system. No pushover by any means, he also understood that prison once meant rehabilitation, and worked accordingly.

AT, we wish you well. Not too many like you out there in state government.

Beware the Bear

Phillipe and Jorge always look forward to the traditional Christmas ads that infest TV at this time of year, like the Norelco shaver running through the snow, the Coca-Cola polar bears and every kind of Chia pet you can imagine. But your superior correspondents were fooled this year when we saw what we believed to be a fantastic spoof ad for “Trumpy Bear.” This abomination is a fat, ugly stuffed ursine with orange hair and bushy eyebrows, and a big red tie worthy of a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. It also goes for a mere $39.90 — surely a bargain.

But wait, there’s more!

Not only is this a legitimate ad for this monstrosity, endorsed on TV by at least one redneck in a pickup truck who proudly has Trumpy Bear riding next to him (probably to a doublewide in an Alabama trailer park where he lives with his 15-year-old female cousin – say hi, Roy Moore!), but it comes with an American flag blanket in a special zippered neck pouch, made to be draped over Trumpy Bear whenever he is out in public with his brain-damaged owner.

Wow! Bow-wow!

Like President “Make America Great Again” Predator’s preposterous ties and Ivanka the Terrible’s hideous fashion clothing line, the Trumpy Bears are made in Chinese sweat shops, rather than by US workers.

A Trump tribute enveloped in a phony patriotic shroud makes P&J recall the famous quote alternately attributed to renowned author Sinclair Lewis and/or legendary Louisiana Governor Huey ‘The Kingfish” Long: “When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.”

In an additional special, the Trumpy Bear cross is only $9.99 plus shipping and handling. And in a separate offer, press-on stigmata decals are available for only $19.99. Let’s get on that computer right now to order — make sure you don’t get left out on Christmas morning.

Adieu, Gomer

If you are of a certain age (or a devotee of vintage television reruns), you know who Jim Nabors was. Yes, he was Gomer Pyle, who originally appeared on the old “Andy Griffith Show” before being spun off to his own series, “Gomer Pyle, USMC.” True aficionados of this stuff can also tell you that Gomer had a brother, Goober, played by George Lindsey.

Your superior correspondents would like to note the passing of Jim Nabors on November 30, not because we were necessarily Gomer fans, but because he was an openly gay man, who, although, not one of the earliest well-known show business figures to be out, was, nonetheless, an inspiration to many.

Perhaps one of his biggest eye-openers prior to coming out was when it was revealed he had an amazing singing voice that carried him through the years after his TV career as the Gomer persona waned. Shocking to anyone who was stealing his “Sur-prahz, sur-prahz, sur-prahz” line, thinking he was the same person as his hick character portrayal.

So farewell, Jim, and rest in peace.

Free Tree

A big tip of the beret and sombrero to old friends Meg Kerr and Bob Vanderslice, who donated a 25-foot fir to become the official State House Christmas tree this year. A gracious and generous gift from their home in Wickford from two folks who have given much to everyone in every way in numerous other scenarios.

P&J had offered up one of our poolside palm trees at Casa Diablo, but were for some unknown reason rebuffed. Hey, once climate change really digs its feet in, that will be the norm. Just way ahead of our time, as usual.