VOLUME TEN ISSUE THREE 02 OKTOBER 1996
si?; *. 1
"Where's Jimmy?" - Teamster's Union Local 614, Pontiac, Ml : UBC Rehabilitates South Campus!
Health office gives UBC failing grade!i
Johan S. Fibble Education on Hepatitis is also and construction of a new gar pond will have to be complete And if the bolts can be undone, paramount to this plan. Courses Raving Correspondent den between the Electrical ly drained and a new filtration it isn't bolted down. Most of the will be offered to educate stu Engineering Building and The system will be installed along problems occur with no sign of VANCOUVER(REUTERS) dents about the dangers of the Barn. with extensive chlorinating to forced entry. It's almost as if the disease and it's method of trans Demarche explains the plan ensure the algae doesn't come suspects had keys." fter receiving a failing fer. Prof. Dan Ackerman, Head for the area: back." grade in a recent govern of UBC Virology, explains. To combat the rising crime Ament sponsored health "I'm thinking we shall have to The quality of drinking water rate, Const. Beckman has start "These courses have actually study of the south side of cam take advantage of the centrality is also questionable. In fact, ed patrols in the area by the been Offered at UBC for the past pus, UBC Student Health of this location. Perhaps we health officials were actually RCMP instead of UBC Parking three years. However, chronic Services announced today their could put a rose garden in the surprised to find that the local and Security Services. low enrollment rates have hin four part plan to better public center of some fabulous shrub population was parasite free. dered the development of the "Let's face it, PASS is really health conditions. bery. If we added a little fence Officials quickly theorized that material. But now that we've good for ticketing unoccupied, and a two level effect with a the low incidence of parasites ^WeVe analyzed the problem changed the name from HEPA parked cars, but once those cars path down the middle, I think and infectious bacteria in stu and are confident that our solu 101 to the more attractive BZZR start moving, they can be really the result would be absolutely dents was probably due to the tion is both cost effective and 101 to encourage enrollment, hard to catch. That's why we're darling. fact that most students pre geered towards the best interest we've had to add six sections starting regular, armed patrols, of the students involved" states ferred drinking bzzr over water next semester alone!" "The only problem is that "Reports state that most crime Dr. Philip Stores, director of the as their main liquid source. nasty cairn. It has no geometric is committed by large gangs of UBC South Side Rehabilitation Stage two of the plan calls for The last stage in the four part flow to it. Perhaps some ivy individuals. These gangs roam Project. Dr. Stores hopes that the undertaking of an extensive project will address the balloon might make it look less obtru the area, stealing what they can this project will generally South Side clean-up program. ing crime problem facing the sive and easier on the eyes. We carry and preying on people increase the standard of living Removal of graffiti from build South Side. The problem is no could paint it a nice shade of wearing the wrong colours. for South Side residents by the ing surfaces and pavement will longer limited to the South Side blue to offset the pink roses. I Incidents have been reported end of 1997. be accompanied by tree planti and has begun spreading into think that would be a tantaliz where victims were assaulted ng and a new decorative paint neighbouring sectors of cam Part one of the project calls for ing visual thrill for your eyes." for simply wearing a blue hat in job for the cairn. pus, notibly the various attempts to be made to curb the South Campus. Something has Stage three outlines a plan for Undergraduate Society Offices rapid spread of Hepatitis B "We've found that people tend to be done." the purification of contaminat around campus, who have through the sharing of dirty to lead healthy lives when they ed bathing water. experienced a sharp increase in Every year, 200 South Side res bzzr mugs. feel good about their environ ments and have a strong sense "The water situation is very break and enters over the sum idents can be found uncon States Stores, "Bzzr abuse is of community. Hopefully, severe," states Stores, "We have mer. scious on lawns or stuck to con rampant throughout this area. gealed bzzr on the floors of pub pulling everyone together to actually noted a few instances "The problem rarely involves We're opening two bzzr mug lic houses. Stores wants a public improve living conditions will were extensive algae growth is violent crime," says Const. exchanges where students can housing program, but has been accomplish this." states Stores. present in water used for Drake Beckman of the UBC trade their dirty mugs in for bathing almost daily. This situa told by the NDP that funds orig Prominent landscape architect RCMP, "The real problem is clean ones free of charge. One tion is completely unaccept inally allocated for the project Alphonse Demarche has been with petty theft and breaking will be located in the heart of able. This is a major health cri have had to be "unexpectedly contracted to oversee the design and entering. Simply put, if it the problem, in The Cheeze." sis just waiting to happen. The isn't bolted down, it's gone. returned." Inside this issue. • Lots of great cartoons and columns! (all over) The 432 has recently experienced a boom in contributes. The cream of the crop h ready to make you chuckle. • Action Figures! (Page 4) The 432 has it's own line of action figures. Re-enact history's famous battles or create some of your own! • The Official SUS Dead Pool (aka Dead Giveaway)! (Page 5) Dentil can be fanl Make the nightly news more exciting by betting that James Earl Jones will be dead before April! • The Official SUS Hockey Pool! (Page 6) Can you pin the next Gretzky? Are you willing to put money on it? i •••HWJh THE FOUR THIRTY Two 02 OKTOBER 1996 Buses, trains and aeroplanes.
Kathryn Murray of people and, as there are so ing as you pass them. Get onto many people getting off and on, the next bus and repeat. You'd Redheaded Columnist there is lots of variety to look at, be surprised at how many peo smile at, talk to, get to know ... ple you can either really freak love things that move on Trains are great!!!! out, or make temporary allies wheels - bikes, trikes, roller Buses though, hold a special out of by doing this. Human Iblades, rolling chairs, scoot nature is a wonderful thing'to place in my heart. I realize that ers - especially if they're moving play with. really quickly. In my travels this they have the highest place of summer, I rediscovered some loathing during term time. However, the best game to play old favorites: buses, trains, and They are hot and sticky like a with buses is the modified form aeroplanes. sauna, more crowded than the of dodge car. It's a lot more Pit on Pit Night, have less air challenging than dodge car and Now most people who know than the moon and are almost is best played late at night. me know that I hate airplanes never on time. Believe me, I What you do is bike up a street and I avoid them whenever I take the 41 bus along with a lot that has a bus route that runs can. They have those 3 little of you and I know what it's regularly on it. Start biking up wibbly-wobbly wheels that are like. the street when you can see a ecently, the AMS decided to fund a supposed to be enough to get it However, in or on holidays, bus coming towards you in the lobby against BC Transit in hopes of to take off and to land on. opposite direction. Chose a Whatever. This summer I had to they are a cheap and easy way jetting increased bus service to UBC to see a city and get to know the street a few blocks ahead of you and a cheaper bus pass for students. The take 7, yes 7 separate plane and race the bus to the prede flights, two of which were 10 sights. They're really easy to get results of this survey will be forwarded to on and off of, and they run termined street. If you win, you hours in length. Got to love managed to make a successful AMS council to support the lobbying efforts. going to visit your family. almost any time of the day. The best thing is that really, really lefthand turn in font of the bus Please fill out this survey and return it to Kathryn Murray The nasty thing about long strange people use them who and you don't have to replace (SUS Public Relations Officer). plane trips is being crowded like either talk to themselves, each your bike or your brain. If you cattle into a steel tube, strapped other or every one in sight. You lose, well ... you don't need to into uncomfortable, narrow can learn the neatest things worry about losing again. You What bus do you ride to UBC: chairs and force-fed precooked, from them, I've been told that I can see the most amazing facial predigested food. However if expressions on BC Transit was a cat in a previous life, that Do you have a bus pass: • Yes • No you happen to have a really I'm Queen Elizabeth I reincar employees. I don't really mean friendly, rather gorgeous to scare them, it just happens. nated and that I want to have a How long do you usually have to wait for the bus? English-Biology major sitting romantic relationship with my And I've never gotten closer to beside you and he just happens brother. I thought I only had losing than about 5 feet. Just to have a passion for chocolate three sisters, but now... ask John about some of the late and likes to share his chocolate night treks up Macdonald Have you ever been left behind bar and CD collection with you There are lots of fun things to between 39th and 37th. because the bus was full? • Yes QNo ...... well, lets just say that the do on buses, one fun one is the It was a blast, babes. flight to England was very people game. You choose a per Have you ever found the bus to pleasant. son and stare at them until they be unsafely crowded? • Yes • No turn around. Instantly, you look There's something to be said Now trains are simply great at the person right beside them things - England, Ireland, most about playing chicken with rapid and nod your head towards Do you feel that there are of Europe in fact - are full of ly moving ten tonne bringevsof them. Repeat until first person death. Something, but not much. enough buses going to UBC? • Yes • No them. They don't move as fast starts to stare at the person as airplanes but you can get on beside them to figure out why -ed. Why do you ride the bus: and off them almost anytime on earth you were staring at you want to and you aren't them. Every now. and then force-fed anything. You can also laugh softly, as if you can see buy chocolate bars on some of something that they can't. Get Do you find the rates reasonable? • Yes • No them. Because you can wander off the bus and burst out laugh up and down, you can see lots What (if anything) is BC Transit doing well? Editorial.
II. The sage continues as Mikey The SUS Dead Pool aka Dead stumbles around campus drunk Giveaway. The deal is this: you What could BC Transit improve on? once again. pick 15 people that you think If there ever was a reason to are likely to kick the bucket by keep valuable things like the April and sign up. elcome to the third flag under lock and key, Mikey No entry fee and lots of prizes. installment of is it. We will publish an update on W Second, the ever popular SUS who's alive and who's pushing What comments would you like to leave the AMS regard Volume Ten of The up daisies every issue. ing this issue? 432.1 hope you enjoy it. Hockey Pool continues. I'd There have been a few minor sign up but last time I choose a Well, that's it for now. Have technical changes since last team comprise entirely of fun and let me know if I offend issue, but mostly there are more goalies and injured players. you too much with this issue. contests to take part in. I learnt my lesson. Love, luck, and lollipops. First, there's Find the Flag Part Finally, we have a new feature. -John
Grim Reaper Beleznay, Leslie Gold, Jake those of the individual writers. strict deadline requirements John Hallett Gray, Tracy MacKinnon, not If you wish to take legal action and should not exceed 700 Blair McDonald, Kathryn against them, by all means, do words. All submissions must Undertakers- Murray, Jason Robillo, not Matt so. But, be warned that they make the editor chuckle at least Jeremy Thorp, Mikey Boetzkes, Wiggin will most likely claim tempo thrice and have your real name Phil Ledwith Extended Epitaph rary and/or permanent death attached (legal stuff) before to get out of it. It's happened. being printed. Mortuary The 432 is the official publica Phil spent 1989 dead for tax No celebrities were harmed in College Printers, Vancouver, BC tion of the Science reasons. All rights reserved The Undergraduate Society, printed the production of this paper. Hearse Driver 4321996 twice monthly from our dank (yet): Writers and columnists from all VOLUME TEN ISSUE TWO Jeff Steinbok grave six feet below the Chemistry Building. faculties are encouraged to sub 18 SEPTEMBER 1996 Morticians mit material to The 432. Tessa Arnold, not Doug All views expressed are strictly Submissions must meet the THE FOUR THIRTY Two PACE 3 02 OKTOBER 1996 ) The psychology of undergrads. FLAG! Leslie Gold thinking : "ooooh ooooh, I can get one of us to speak up know, I know, it's photosynthe then chances are we'll all jump Columnist sis, I mean I think it's photo on the bandwagon and you synthesis (at this point the won't be able to get us to shut- obvious distress about the igno (PART II) ttention, attention! this hand which was only slightly up. But the right trigger ques rance that they feel is abound in is a special service above the shoulder to begin tion must be asked in order to their classroom. They wonder, THE DEAL Aannouncement for all with goes back down onto the get that one, first brave soul to how can people in fourth year UBC professors who are cur desk), what if it isn't photosyn open their mouth. One idea Our limited edition 432 flag science not know this simple, rently lecturing to students in thesis? This is way too easy, might be to ask an impossibly is hidden somewhere on basic fact? Why is no one able the faculty of science. Could all there's got to be some kind of hard question, you won't get campus. Find it, bring it to to answer this trivial question? UBC Science professors please trick... you have to get up pret the artsies or the paranoids SUS and you will reap immediately drop the under The question can be any ty early in the morning to get coming out but the supercool rewards and treasures grad assignment they are cur thing... What is the only class of these trick questions by me, I'm know that they'll get super beyond your wildest fantasy. rently chuckling over, or the animals that gives birth to live going home right after class to cool/intelligence points for PRIZES impossibly hard midterm they young?... Give me an example look that up, it's definitely even trying. are in the midst of concocting, of a mammal. ... Are humans going to be on the exam." I hope this helps because We offer the following and listen up? mammals? Is anybody in this 3. The artsies among us are when I see you professors in awards: room taking in any oxygen The issue that I want to deal thinking: "Okay, that absolutely obvious distress at the front of • 2 limited edition 432 T- besides myself? with is class participation or, clinches it, there's just no way the lecture hall, it makes me sad shirts more specifically, the lack there It doesn't matter, none of this is History of Basket enough for you that I want to of. I have a tip for you: think • 2 tickets to SUSs' them are going to provoke a Weaving Part II, it's been two get up and give you all big com Oktoberfest (Oct. 18th) very carefully before asking any response. I want to end all of months and we haven't even forting hugs, and I'm pretty questions of the roomful of your collective miseries by pub mentioned wicker or straw even sure that there's a rule against • 2 Official Science Bzzr undergrads in front of you. Ask licly stating that we do know; once." that somewhere. Mugs yourself what you are hoping to we're just not sharing. When • 2 free bzzrs at Oktoberfest accomplish in asking this ques I suppose that I have just you stand in front of the room to fill your free mugs tion. Are you hoping that the and ask a question like "What is implied that undergrads are Then there are the classes that I question will be a pivotal point the process by which the vast either all obnoxious, schizo attend in which the prof asks a HINTS in the lecture that will provoke phrenic, or in the wrong room, decently hard question and a stu majority of carbon on our plan Marked on the map is the thoughtful and mature discus et is fixed?", a variety of things which, to be fair to my friends, dent answers. The answer is sion in which we can exchange isn't entirely true. invaribly not quite what the prof location where we found are going through our heads Mikey Wednesday morning. ideas and gather new knowl (which, in our defense, is mar Some of us are having lunch, was looking for, but not wrong edge? enough to be laughed away. Since he was the last one ginally better than having some of us didn't hear the ques with the flag, it should be If so, good luck, I've heard that tion, some of us are hungover, absolutely nothing going That's not so bad, it's when the somewhere close by. it works really well on the Polka through our heads): some of us are asleep and yes, prof holds out for the right answer Dot Door. If it is a rhetorical 1. The ultracool among us are probably some of us don't that things start to slide: question that is meant to just thinking: 'Right, like I'm going know. "Noooooo... not quite, think more add some spice to the general to put my hand up and say My point is that teaching chemcally related. Like with flavor of the lecture then that's "ooooh ooooh pick me, pick undergrads involves having water." fine as long as you recognize me, I'm oh so smart, I know, it's some insight into mob psychol The next answer is also right, that and move on sans answer. photosynthesis" as if everybody ogy (might I suggest sitting in but not quite what the prof want else in the room hasn't known This, in my three years of on but not participating in a ed. And the cycle continues... undergrad experience, is where that since they came out of the psych 100 class?). Think of us professors run into trouble. womb. How much of a geek sheep waiting to be nudged in a -ed. Time and time again I see pro would I look like then? certain direction. fessors wringing their hands in 2. The paranoid among us are The good news is that if you Bjorn the evil waiter.
ment grant from the govern Culpeppers' was Kilkenny Irish with live entertainment lots of ment, but they didn't buy into Red. Frenchy wishes to extend good bzzr. our story. We're thinking about his sincere thanks to the nice At the Fringe (conveniently selling tickets for next year. waitress that slipped him 20 oz. across the street), we discovered Then there was the cabin trip. of Kilkenny as a birthday pre an open bowl of raw brown et me tell you a story. Last Four fun filled days far beyond sent. sugar on the table. Why it was Saturday night it was the reach of any noise bylaw. I That is essentially the reason there confused us, but we soon LFrenchy's birthday. I remember going on a bzzr run ing behind a birthday pub discovered that drunk and should probably start this story Saturday and trying to explain crawl. Every bar you visit gives hyper are a bad combination. we get extra spicy Suicide with an explanation of who to the cashier that I was not a you a free birthday drink. The Two folks were nice enough to Wings? Can you make me cry?" Frenchy is and why his birthday ravenous alcoholic while simul more bars you visit, the more change seats and let us have is so important. taneously buying six cases of free drinks you get. You're
Phil Ledwith women hanging on my every me up and drove me back down fifiMOVS P£OPt£m,> word as I tell them about how I to the south, and my beloved Shiny Bald Columnist met that guy from the X-files home, and my beloved room, Aertot/ FfGUResf while waiting to go see a film at and my beloved dog. (Note: this article is for Jer, who the Ridge, and life with all the My beloved home had become told me to write this while ham other astronauts in the space mered out of his skull during part of a rapidly expanding program. On the other hand, I council estate. My beloved Frenchy's birthday pub crawl last get to explain to my parents Saturday.) room had been rented out to a why it is that I didn't graduate Spanish student whose name last year. Or the year before could not be pronounced with that. Or the year... well, you get ou can't tell while reading out adding two litres of phlegm the point. this, but it's been noted from the back of your throat to Ythat I have an accent. Or One of the big reasons I went the "new" carpet (which my rather, several accents, depend over was my uncle Larry's parents were quick to point out ing on how much blood is still impendidng death and funeral. was not stolen). My beloved present in my alcohol stream. Now, uncle Larry was a really dog bit me as I walked towards This is not because I am trying great guy, and we had been the house, and did not recog to pull women - if I wanted to pretty close for years - this was nise me for almost the entire do that, I'd become the sound the guy who packed me off to length of my stay. Man's best guy for a band - but because I Canada with two bottles of friend, My arse. Oh, and having was born with it; I'm from the Drambuie. And back home wasted all that time getting UK. To be really exact, My fam among my family, when some here, I'd missed Uncle Larry's ily presently lives In one goes and pops their clogs expiration and Exhumation. Greystones, in the south of like this we like to have a party "Nevir Mind, son" ma mum Ireland. My Father is himself to end all parties when we see sed te me, like. " ye ken alius go Irish and comes from a long them off. I wanted to get there oot wi yer sisters an' have a wee line of Irish catholics; my moth before. He snuffed it and tell drink in his memory anyway, er is a Scottish protestant. him he was oil rite, ye no, but like". Spent the rest of the hol When relatives from distant even if He was already dead iday painting sheep and tipping corners of my family meet, the when I got there there was just cows. earth cracks open and fire no way I was missing the wake spurts forth furtively. and the Funeral. Damn, it's good tae be bak Normality, being the kind of hoam. Well, to cut a long story off at shy withdrawn sort of a guy I the knees, so tae speak, it went am, I wouldn't even mention like this: I landed in Glasgow, this at all; But it's getting late, Despite the fact that most of this and went to see my friend I'm starting to hallucinate from article was written in half Gaelic, Fiona's graduation from Med lack of sleep, and I still don't it is completely legable when read school, some of which I still have a real subject for this arti with an accent in mind. remember. I somehow got on a cle, so I'm just going to get on Phil is, perhaps, the single boat to Belfast, along with two with it and hope nobody really strangest person I have ever had traffic cones and a stuffed ani notices what a lame cop out this the pleasure of meeting. mal, which might have been is. Anyway, I've got an accent. indigenous to the British Isles. Most writers for The 432 (myself Keep that in mind as you read Belfast was louder than I expect included) blatently make up wild this, as it will provide a necces- ed because of the riots, which stories about strange things. sary topical background. From ReuYeMSTORYS e&msr BAmes, PAYAROTT/ started on the same day I time to time I'll remind you of Phil is one of a hand full that TAK£S out we wee*/? 7ke POPS RUMBLES arrived and ended three days it. For example, the first sen report events as they actually hap WfTHSMBAD O'CO/MOR/ AM TM AYATQUAH after I left (in some other article tence might read: " Ye cannae pen. It's weird, kinda scary and I'll tell you all about the amaz GOiS CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY AMD BOMBS tel whyle reedin this, like, but well... it's Phil. ing luck of the Irish and what eveRYBODYf Oer TWM AU AT YOUR fAYOR/re it's bin noatissed tha' Ah've this has to do with Bull's excre -ed. goat a wee accent". TOYSTORef ment. I'll also tell you about This summer, I had the dubi Anna and her new theory of (The POPtS BfG-ARSeD HAT AND HOLY HAHD GRMAO£ ous pleasure of being invited alternative driving, which rests c •XKAPRESS YOUR FRlENPS/ •5WKJWER YOUR WEWES.' •CONFUSE YOUR MOTHER.' THE fOUR BASIC IIEMENTS Erwin Schrodinger's other wave function. for a liinlted time only! PASES 02 OKTOBER 1996 THE FOUR THIRTY Two > The offcial 432 mental competency test. xams are rapidly Figure A looks most like: Figure C looks most like: E 1. It's just an ink splot, and 1. A water toy. approaching. Stress is up. General happiness is not a good one at that. 2. A face. Kinda like my moth down. We at The 432 have 2. A fly. A funky fly, but a fly er-in-law, actually. Scary. decided to create a test that you none-the-less. 3. That piece of Inuit art that can take every morning to see if 3. Flies! Flies! They're every Jean Cretien used to defend his you still legally endure another where! Get them off me! house from that would-be day of class. While you proba assassin (Damn! -ed.). bly won't be able to get out of a 4. Elvis serenading Mary Tyler midterm with it, but knowing Moore. 4. An ancient coyote spirit that you're still sane may prove 5. A giant bengal tiger wearing that commands me to urinate to be comforting. (Or terribly FIGURE A. a tutu leaping out of the page FIGURE C. on things in public. disappointing, depending on while singing 'Mary had a little 5. They're in the house again! your viewpoint.) lamb' in your mother's voice. They're in the house again! Get First, you must take the test to the gun! (They were never the right. Just jot down the four caught, you know, -ed.) numbers that best correspond Figure D looks most like: to your opinion on the ink Figure B looks most like: blots, and add them up. It's that simple! 1. ^. fly. In fact, several flies. 1. That ridiculous vase that Anyway, here's how you score: 2. Screen door. (Too many my mother is trying to pawn 16-20 - Stay home. Avoid off on me. stressful situations, shiny stuff, flies around.) and sharp weapons that talk. 3. Yet another radioactive 2. Jimmy Hoffa. (Now) 11-15 - It's going to be tough, plant that your mother is try ¥^¥ 3. Aliens. They come out of but you should still make a go ing to pawn off on you. (Venus the TV at night, you know. at school. Answer lots of ques Fly Trap) 4. It's the birds! The birds! tions in class and try not to talk 4. A hideously deformed They're clawing out my eyes! to yourself too much. trarantula breathing heavily. 5. That face that appears to 5-10 - You are sane. You are so FIGURE B. FIGURE D. terribly, disappointingly sane 5. Mother Theresa of Culcutta me in my dreams and demands that should probably take six trying to steal your last 50g of that I venture forth and hits of acid and write this exam crack cocaine. 'cleanse' the world. again. t* Dead Giveaway. 99 The 432 Dead Pool. Disclaimer : As contests go, this one is pretty tasteless. If you are the sort of person who can't handle that, don't read it. If you read it anyway don't come whining to us. We warned you. Finally, the 432 has come up with a contest to appeal to the morbid little f(expletive deleted)er in each of us. The rules are simple: You contact us with a list of fifteen people who have had the extreme bad taste not to join the choir invisible yet. we keep the list, and every time time someone on it kicks the bucket you get a point. THEY CAN NOT DIE BEFORE MIDNIGHT NOV 1 because that's when the competition starts, but anyone can join at any time after that. When we publish the last 432 we will print the winners and give them prizes beyond their wildest dreams. Entry is completely free, and at the very least you will win tickets to the arts county fair: What have you got to lose? Only fif teen stupid names, and most of them are well on their way anyhow. You may be having ideas thinking of people at this point, so here's the official 432 hotlist of 101 promising people for the role of corpse apparent: Chuck Jones (animator) Jack Palance (actor) Victor Borge (comedian) Betty White (actress) matician) Peter Falk (actor) James Earl Jones (actor) Richard Pryor (comedian) Ernest Borgnine (actor) Johhny Whitaker (child actor) Jackie Cooper Betty Ford (political Spouse) Dr. Jack Kevorkian (Doctor Christopher Reeve (actor) Tom Bosley (actor) Ted Williams (athlete) Ellen Corby James Garner (actor) Death) alive, paralysed Ray Bradbury (author) Alistair Cooke (masterpiece Walter "Bud" Cort (actor) John Gielgud (british Actor) Eartha Kitt Keith Richards (rolling stone) Marlon Brando (actor) theatre introducer) Jaques -Yves Cousteau (scien Terry Gilliam(animator/direc- Evel Kriievel — damaged alive. Amazing, isn't it? Wiliam Brennan (jurist) William S Burroughs (author) tist) tor) goods, but alive Fred Rogers — still living in Todd Bridges (actor) Red Buttons (actor) Doris Day (actress) Mikhail Gorbachev (politician) Jack Lemmon (actor) the neighbourhood Benjamin Spock (doctor) George Carlin (comedian) Deng Xiopeng (politician) — Alec Guinness (actor) jerry Lewis (actor) William Shatner (alleged actor, Jean Stapleton(actress) Art Carney (actor) not at all well Larry Hagman (actor) Rich Little (impressionnist) alleged author, alleged singer) Ringo Starr (singer) Jimmy Carter (politician) Bob Denver (artor) George Harrison (musician) Jack Lord (actor) Salman Rushdie (author) Harold Stassen (politician) Jack Cassidy (musician) John Denver (singer) DeForest Kelly (actor) —He's Shirley MacLaine (actress) — Frank Sinatra (singer) Cat Stevens (singer) Tom Chapin (singer) Joyce Dewittt (actress) alive, Jim. alive, again. Buzz Aldrin (astronaut) Elizabeth Taylor (actress) Arthur C Clarke (author) Joe DiMaggio (athlete) Various Kennedy's Muhammad Ali (boxer) Benoit Mandelbrot (mathe Rip Taylor (actor) Dick Clark(world's oldest Antoine "fats" Domino (musi Tuk the Polar Bear Mary Tyler Moore (actress) matician) Strom Thurmond (politician) teenager) cian) Spud Mackenzie Marcel Marseau (mime) Jimmy Hoffa jr. Alex Trebec (game show host) Bob Barker (game show Host) John Cleese (comedian) Kirk Douglas (actor) Abigaile VanBuren (Dear Dick Martin (comedian) Dick Van Dyke (actor) Clark Clifford (politician) Buddy. Ebsen (actor) Mikhail Barishinikov (dancer) Caspar Wienberger (politician) Abby) Paul McCartney (singer) — Gary Coleman (actor) Anthony Edwards (actor) Bob Sagat (Please?) alive. More or less. Ned Beatty (actor) Tuesday Weld (actress) Dirk Benedict (actor) Perry Como (singer) Douglas Fairbanks jr. (actor) Yoko Ono (Pretty Please?) Leonard Nimoy (actor) Orson Welles (actor/director) Robert Blake (actor) Robert Conrad (actor) Harlan Ellison (author) Peter O' Toole (actor) Adam West (actor) John Horton Conway (mathe Erik Estrada (actor) Let me stress that just because someone isn't on this list, doesn't mean you can't have them on yours. As long as they are reasonably famous, we don't mind; and as long as they are still breathing, they qualify. You can email me a list at ledwithSunixgiubc.ca, [email protected], or you can drop the list off at Chem 160. As people start to snuff it we will publish an official list of famous ex people, along with dates and causes of death. If we miss someone, let us know. Special Bonus: submit with your article an impossible prediction, and if it comes true before the school year ends you automatically get to come into the SUS offices and walk away with as much as you can carry. If we think you have a really sound idea we'll give you some prize or other anyway, because we like you so much. Example: "I predict that, after sumo wrestlers assassinate Bob Dole, Debbie Gibson's love child conceived by Kurt Cobain will step in and gain a landslide victory in the American presidential elections. He will dissolve Congress and set up a new communist regime." NOTE: The Grim Reaper, his relatives and his associates are summarily barred from entry in this or any related contest involving the unexpected expiration of various famous people or the contes tants who bid on them. Use of Jo Jo's psychic hotline to obtain your list of fifteen is, however, perfectly fine. PACE 6 THE FOUR THIRTY Two 4 02 OCTOBER J996 Hockey, eh? SoCo. Orin del Vecchio about. 5) Knowing all the rules for Mikey Boetzkes ing the largest possible size of Don Cherry knows a lot about video replay and penalty shots. beer stein available that is New York Sports Columnist Social Coordinator (Bzzr Guy) the fundamentals of hockey. He The refs and announcers allowed within the SUB. Any bigger and you have to buy s an avid reader of The is also about as diplomatic as a always get it wrong. ell it's time to write rabid pit bull. He is a Cup-win glass, which creates problems 432, I've been disap Anyone not following the another report to ning coach, so he deserves some anywhere in the SUB. Apointed in the lack of above guidelines is either a Wshow that I have done respect. But anybody who kisses sports articles in the recent sportswriter or a bandwag- something useful in the last two We will be selling 22 oz beer Doug Gilmour is shooting a few issues. To solve this glaring onner. Simple, eh? As for the weeks. I haven't really done steins for some amount that is omission, I decided to take a feet wide of the net. There are game itself, all you need to anything important except currently unknown to me. Now break from my Molson and no gray areas in hockey, except know should has been geneti sample the many types of beer unlike other clubs or con Molson (beer and hockey to you after a blow to the head. cally encoded at birth. If you that are available at numerous stituencies (wow my big word pocket-protector types) and wax 3) You own two or more season don't know what hockey is, I locations on campus. Now as for the month) who like to fill poetic on the greatest Canadian preview type publications don't know you. soon as I could convince the steins this size by filling them creation of all time ... Hockey. (hockey pool issues included). counsel that this is important one bzzr at a time, these will be Now, the next time somebody research and I should be com filled with one bzzr ticket for all •dnsert Molson commercial This is mostly to inspire many starts proclaiming god-given pensated for all of these expens SUS. bzzr gardens for all of eter hero Molson-fueled discussions truths about the world's greatest es I will be really happy. This, of nity or until the steins have about the many errors contain sport, you can use these guide Now people who follow hock course/could take a little bit of decomposed into worthless lit therein ("100 points for lines to determine if they are a ey are called fans. Fans come in work but I'm going to keep tle beads of nothing important. two types: true fans and every Bondra? Maybe back in the true fan or just someone whose IHL."). They are all published working on it. These steins are going to be one else. The following are signs seen too many Mighty Ducks available only at Oktoberfest one or two months in advance, Well anyway in other news of a true hockey fan : movies (or games, for that mat and there will be limited quan so any late-breaking news or big there is going to-be a SUS bzzr ter). Enjoy the season, and keep tities. They will be available in 1) Always pick your favorite trades (Roy? Roy!) will invali garden on Oktober 18 called your stick on the ice (sorry, the designer colour of blue for team to win the Stanley Cup. date everything they say. Oktoberfest. Now I realize that Red). no apparent reason. Now Winning the division/confer some clubs (like the bzzr gar 4) You know all the words to Oh yeah, join the SUS hockey Oktoberfest will also be visited ence/league is optional. dening club) think that this is a the Stompin' Tom Connors pool. It's cheap, and I really by at least one band. Which True fans know the playoffs are weird name for^a^ bzzr garden. I song "The Good Ol' Hockey could use the money. 'Cause band that is has not been deter the only results that counts don't know, I fust don't see it. Game". I'm gonna win. Really. mined as of yet but I'm working (Red Wimps, er, Wings any Now at this gardening event on that, I really am. So you'll body?). Even if your team has This song is a vital piece of we will be introducing our just have to wait and see. Well missed the playoffs five straight hockey (i.e. Canadian) history, Orin is so absorbed with sports newest instrurnents for the con tickets for Oktoberfest will be years, lost their best player to along with "Rock 'n Roll Part 2" that it's scary. The day he isn't sumption of necessary liquid somewhere around $5 each, free agency and fired their and the Hockey Night in wearing some sort of New York substances, like perhaps, well... again I don't really know what coach before the end of training Canada theme. 'Nuff said. sports paraphernalia is the day hmmmmm;. beer. '"- the final cost is so well yeah. camp, they're still your team. (Note: Not quite. American the nice folks at the hospital dress Well that's about all that I have And they're gonna win. Really. Unlike other clubs and groups .fans are exempt, but only if him instead. to say so I'll tell you everything they can name every player on who like to sell either cheap 2) Don Cherry is either "a -ed. three or four use 12 oz cups for else in the next issue just in case genius" or "full of shit" depend the 1980 Miracle on Ice team, I don't do anything before then. including the backup goalie.) $.25 or the sort of sturdy 14 oz ing on who he is talking to or cups for a buck we will be sell 1996-97 SUS Hockey Pool B0X1 B0X2 BOX 3 BOX 4 BOX 5 • M. Lemieux 161 • A. Mogilny 107 • S. Federov 107 • K. Tkachuk 98 • B. Hull 83 • J.Jagr 149 • P. Kariya 108 • T. Fleury 96 • P.Nedved 99 • M. Sundin 83 • E. Lindros 115 • T. Selanne 108 • W. Gretzky 102 • S. Yzermari 95 • R.Brind'Amour87 • J. Sakic 120 • R. Francis 119 • D. Weight 104 • J. LeClair 97 • V. Kamensky 85 • P. Forsberg 116 • P. Bure — • M. Messier 99 • P. Turgeon 96 • Z. Palffy 8/ BOX 6 BOX 7 BOX 8 BOX 9 BOX 10 • V. Damphousse 94 • B. Shanahan 78 • M. Renberg 43 • V. Kozlov 73 • B. Leetch 85 • P. LaFontaine 91 Q P. Bondra 80 • A. Zhamnov 59 • J. Roenick 67 • P. Bourque 82 • A. Oates 92 • T. Linden 80 • A. Yashin 39 • O. Nolan 69 • N. Lidstrom 67 • P.Verbeek 82 • M. Recchi 78 • J. Arnott 59 CI C. Lemieux 71 • P.Coffey 74 • C.Janney 82 • D. Gilmour 72 • T. Green 69 • J. Juneau 64 • C. Chelios 72 BOX 11 BOX 12 BOX 13 BOX 14 RULES Choose one player • S.Zubov 66 • R. Svehla 57 • M. Ragnarsson 39 • R.Dvorak 27 from each box. Q J. Brown Q P. Demiira • R. Hamrlik 65 55 • P. Sykora 42 17 Fill out this form and return it to • P. Housley 68 • J. Lumme 54 • E. Daze 53 • J. Iginla _ Aarne or Orin in CHEM Bl 60. • A. Maclnnis 61 • G. Galley 54 • A.Nikolishin 51 • B.Berard _ There is a $5 entry fee. • E. Desjardins • S. Ozolinsh 54 47 • S. Koivu 45 • C. Kilger 17 Prizes will be: lstplace: 60%, 2nd place: 30%, 3rd place: 10%, last place: 10% In the event of a tie: Thelst/2ndor NAME 2nd/3rd prizes will be combined and split evenly. Trades: Two trades TEAM NAME (reselections)will be allowed, but must be completed before January 6th, 1997 PHONE #_ Entry deadline: Fri, Oct 4th. For info or assistance, contact Aarne ([email protected]) or Orin ([email protected], or call E-MAIL them at 822-4235. 02 OKTOBER 1996 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO PAGE 7 ) BXXR GARDEMXN& AT This side of the page The prez has been put aside to UBC XS ABOUT TO appease our all-know CNAtfGE FOREVER ing Martian over-lords, who would like to INTRODUCING THE NEW SCIENCE Sam Arnold remind all of BZZR MUG. Columnist humankind that we are THE NEW STANDARD IN LIQUID 'm positive that I wrote an article only last week, but John insists that it was two weeks ago. Deadlines come so much merely slaves to their DISTRIBUTION TECHNOLOGY. Ifaster than any other event (yes, I have midterms starting next week). Upcoming in SUS are our Council Elections. Elections will mighty powers, and FEATURES: be on October 9-1 Ith in various science buildings, so be sure to vote! that in mere days, the • 22 OZ CAPACITY It's a little difficult to write my article since we got a new computer in the office, and this computer has enough memory to run the planet which we know • STURDY PLASTIC CASING complex games that the boys of SUS love so much. So there's a • 22 OZ CAPACITY crowd of guys around me, and you think that I'd be happy, but as Earth will be effec they're only interested in watching Jer play Marathon. I have a • ATTRACTIVE SCIENCE LOGO sneaking suspicion that John only said he needed the computer for tively destroyed by • 22 OZ CAPACITY the paper, when really it's just so all The 432 guys can play games on it. I wish Aarne would quit leaning on my computer screen in fleet upon fleet of tech • ALWAYS FILLED FOR ONE TICKET AT SCIENCE EVENTS! an effort to better view Jer's proficiency at Marathon. Help me! nologically superior • 22 OZ CAPACITY Okay, that aside, there's really not much going on right now. We got a new printer, the aforementioned computer, and a new phone spacecraft, which will line (with a nifty high-tech phone that even rings!). As always, feel free to stop by and check your e-mail, make a call, use the com immediately reign ter puters, photocopy notes, microwave your lunch or just sit on the couch. See you here (Chem 160)! ror upon every major urban centre, sending our entire global com Huh? munity into complete Jake Gray and utter panic, the FROM SCIENCE SALES Rather, no, extremely weird columnist likes of which has e all think about it. You see all guys are envious of women. I think that's the reason men have always tried never been seen Wto dominate women. You see contrary to popular belief, The Faculty of Science Presents men are not stupid, or at least most men aren't stupid, okay some (unless, of course, you | men aren't stupid. We know that women have all the advantages. A Lecture Series Okay so we can pee standing up, but that's about it. We can't have count the cataclysm- kids, we sink, our chests are underdeveloped, and we smell. Now for ALL Science I'm not saying I'd like to go out and have the old swithcheroo, that is, if you believe in because quite frankly I enjoy not having to squat to relieve myself, Undergraduates so all I'm asking for is a shot at being pregnant. Is that so much to that kind of thing- It's new and it's for you! ask? Just to have the chance. I dort't want to shoot guys down too much because, as we all which we most definite know, or hopefully we all know, that they are a key part of the equation, but quite honestly we're not needed for the full meal ly do, especially since deal. We're only necessary for the ordering, so to speak. That anal ogy's not very good because you know what you're getting when Batman™ moved into you order a full meal deal. Having a kid could be like ordering a Big A sea monster of discover";: Mac Combo™ or it could be like a hamburger falling on you from our toaster) and proba an aircraft passing overhead. That's a better analogy cause you can Cryptozoology ( "sea monsters") bly never will be seen, a day hear an aircraft coming but you might not get hit by a hamburger and other Examples" everytime a plane goes by and if you were wearing a helmet you'd be alright anyway unless the helmet somehow slipped through the unless of course a big keepsthe A Science First I Lecture by quality control checks and crumbles to useless mass of post indus trial toxic goo when confronted with the force of a hamburger ger fleet comes from Oceanographer Dr. Paul LeBlond falling from ten thousand feet. some other distant Department of Earth and Ocean S ci ences So I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you buy a helmet awake i < you should buy a good brand name that you trust. galaxy, and proceeds • Thursday, 3 October 1996 • 1:00 p-m. - 2:00 p.m. to suck our devastated • IRC Lecture Hall 6 corpse of a planet dry PHRTICIPHTE of any mineral Questions? Call 822-9876 resources the Martians may have overseen, All submissions to The 432 must enslaving the pathetic be in Chemistry B160 no later remnants of the popu than: lation in the process, forcing them to work in 09 October 1996 their horribly smelly 4:32pm guano mines until the "I will personnally hunt down and end of eternity. kill those who miss the deadline." , - The Editor Thank you. "Will that be AC or DC?" . PAGE 8 THE FOUR THIRTY TWO 4 02 OKTOBER 1996 Tales from a trailer park. Jeremy leather, eating fried bananas saw James Dean in McDonald's. poor individual that his life is and sunglasses. Unfortunately, THORP and buying blue suede shoes. He was ordering a Big Mac from indeed worth living. Hours are my brain chose this opportuni Life would be one big fried- Kurt Cobain." ' spent learning hostage negotia ty to start being food-eating, pill-popping, TV- tion techniques, including the stubborn.Normally, I can fool shooting party. I punched him in the arm, and we were on our way. The driver, use of proper body language my brain with little or no effort. don't live in a trailer park, Unfortunately, it didn't hap of course, spent the next thirty and vocal tones to ensure Indeed, every Friday night, I but I have seen Elvis. He was pen that way. At first, the whole minutes teasing me mercilessly. peaceful solutions for all manage to convince it that not Iat the bus-stop on Cornwall encounter didn't affect me at He laughed so hard, he couldn't involved. only do I have an excess of and Burrard, and he was play all. Elvis just sort of melded into keep the car in the correct lane, This particular officer burst out money, but also that it would be ing his guitar. I looked at him, his surroundings, if that's at all and as a result, we were pulled laughing. Wiping tears from her a great idea to go and spend the he looked at me, then we drove possible: some pretty trees, a over. Now, this was an interest eyes, she leaned into the car, afore mentioned money on away, leaving the King alone to fuzzy dog, Elvis, a pizza place, ing situation. I found myself and poked my shirt covered alcohol. But not this time ~ it wait for the #22 Knight. and a guy with a cool hat. It wondering how easy it would head. was indeed Elvis, my cranium wasn't until three minutes later be to explain that the our dan insisted, and he was indeed at To tell you the truth, the whole "Elvis? At a bus stop?" she that my brain finally processed gerous driving behavior was in the bus stop. Playing his guitar. encounter was somewhat of a asked, with a giggle. "Was he these observations. What was fact directly related to a run in disappointment. After years of eating a cheeseburger?" Amazingly enough, I've dealt perusing tabloid articles in that middle thing? After the with a dead rock star. As the with it. I've gotten past the Safeway line-ups, I always envi dog, and before the pizza? Elvis? officer approached the car, I Everyone's a comedian, includ denial stage, and I can often sioned an Elvis-sighting as a The King of rock and roll? Wow. prayed she wasn't carrying rub ing, apparently law enforce bring up my problem in every truly exciting event — one that Of course, the driver of the car ber gloves. ment officials. Never one to day conversation. Sure, I get provoke a woman with a gun, I would change my life forever. I didn't believe me. I didn't "Excuse me sir," said the offi some funny looks, but I also get just smiled and laughed. would walk into a donut store expect him to — if he had told cer, crouching to speak through to meet some interesting people "Cheeseburger. That's funny. somewhere, and Elvis would be me he'd seen Elvis at a bus stop, the window, "Have you had who do live in trailer parks. I'm Heh. Because Elvis liked cheese behind the counter, sequins I'd probably assume he'd anything to drink today?" It considering going to Memphis burgers." and all. He'd be under a spot stopped taking his medication was 8:00am. in November for EMsCon '96, light, and when I got to the again. I'd tease him about hav Apparently satisfied, theofficer but I'm not sure I'm ready for "No Sir," replied the driver, counter, he'd sway his hips, ing to wear a helmet in his rub climbed back into her cruiser, the jumpsuit crowd quite yet. tears streaked down his face. "I give me a sneer, and ask me in a ber room, he'd punch me in the chuckling all the way. I pulled The National Inquirer keeps was laughing. Jer thinks he saw smooth Tennessee accent if I arm, and we'd be on our way. my shirt back off of my head, calling, looking for an exclusive Elvis," he explained, pointing at wanted sprinkles. He was a bit more subtle. and with an obligatory punch but I've told them that I'm a my cowering form. in the arm for. the driver, we one-paper kind of guy. Perhaps Then, a small piece of his "Hey, I just saw Elvis at the bus I shrunk down into my seat, were on our way. one day, Elvis and I will meet power would pass into me, and stop!" I exclaimed, excitedly. covering my face. "I did see again. Until then, we'll always I'd be forever changed. My By this point, I was beginning "Yeah, so did I," replied the Elvis," I managed to squeak have the bus stop. apartment would become a to wish that I'd never heard of driver, keeping his eyes on the through the shirt I'd pulled over mecca to the King, with a col Elvis, let alone ever seen him bustling down town traffic. my head. "He was at the bus lection of Elvis paraphernalia waiting for public transit. I tried stop." We're not sure if Jer really did that would make the entire "Really?" I asked, pleased that I to convince myself that I had had a witness. see Elvis, or if he was suffering town of Graceland look like a Police officers are trained in hallucinated, and that 'Elvis' from an overdose of hallucino cheap souvenir booth. I'd spend "Sure," he said, the sarcasm dealing with difficult situations. had probably just been a funny genic MSG at the time. my weekends at Elvis conven only now emerging from an They can talk a jumper off of a shaped fire hydrant, on which tions, decked out in white innocent background. "And I sky scraper, convincing the someone had rested their guitar -ed. (Oktoberfest™ Anatomy of An Oktoberfester: Broad smile, caused by a delightful combina tion of auditory stimulation (LIVE BANDS!) and ingestion of pleasure-inducing substances (CHEAP BZZR!) Plump belly, likely filled with copious quanti ties of the above mentioned pleasure-induc ing substance. Lederhosen! (le»der»ho«sen: leather shorts, often worn with suspenders. Worn esp. in Bavaria, and during Oktoberfest celebra tions) ©fetober 18th. &8ft ballroom.