Encounters at the Imaginal Crossroads: an Exploration of the Experiences of Women in Role-Playing Games

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MIAMI UNIVERSITY The Graduate School

Certificate for Approving the Dissertation

We hereby approve the Dissertation

Christopher J. Dyszelski

Candidate for the Degree:

Doctor of Philosophy

______Roger M. Knudson, Ph.D., Director

______Karen Maitland Schilling, Ph.D., Reader

______Ann Fuehrer, Ph.D., Reader

______C. Lee Harrington, Ph.D., Graduate School Representative

ABSTRACT

ENCOUNTERS AT THE IMAGINAL CROSSROADS: AN EXPLORATION OF THE EXPERIENCES OF WOMEN IN ROLE-PLAYING GAMES

By Christopher J. Dyszelski

This study was a critical, archetypal, feminist ethnography and psychological inquiry into the experiences of women in tabletop role-playing gaming and its culture. Informed by performance ethnographic practice and the spirit of these games, it is written as an adventurous journey into and encounter with these experiences based on participant observation, interviews with gaming professionals, an online questionnaire of 428 gamers, and series of interviews with female gamers. Ethnographically, this study documents the history and experiences of women in the culture of gaming. It presents profiles of a diversity of female gamers and explores historically the ways that women have established themselves as members of this culture and shaped this traditionally male dominated hobby. It also examines a multiplicity of opinions about and experiences of sexism, prejudice, and discrimination of women in gaming. While demonstrating the progress in the games and their culture to become more inclusive and welcoming to women, it shows there is still far to go. It also demonstrates how despite the possibility and creative potential for gaming and its culture to imagine completely new social worlds, the same power dynamics and social structures are recreated in the games, groups, and culture. Psychologically, the study uses archetypal, relational, and pluralistic models of the self to demonstrate the complex imaginal relationship between self and character and the notion that role-playing games can be transformational liminoid spaces. The study explored the multiplicity of three participants, through a series of interviews, one series with the player, one interacting with each participant in role as one of their characters, and then a final series reflecting on the experience of the two previous interviews, the process, and the themes that were discussed. These interviews demonstrate three different relationships between self and character, as well as the ways that those imaginal relationships have impacted the lives of these women in powerful ways that reach beyond just fun and games.

ENCOUNTERS AT THE IMAGINAL CROSSROADS: AN EXPLORATION OF THE EXPERIENCES OF WOMEN IN ROLE-PLAYING GAMES

A DISSERTATION

Submitted to the Faculty of

Miami University in partial

fulfillment of the requirements

for the degree of

Doctor of Philosophy

Department of Psychology

Christopher Justin Dyszelski

Miami University

Oxford, Ohio

2006

Dissertation Director: Roger M. Knudson, Ph.D.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page FOREWARD: A GUIDE TO READING 1 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION 2 Identity Crisis at the Crossroads 5 The Playground of Active Imagination 7 Role-playing Games as Transformative Liminoid Spaces 10 Women in Gaming 16 CHAPTER 2: THE INWARD JOURNEY 21 CHAPTER 3: METHOD IN THE MADNESS 45 Points of Encounter 50 Participant Observation 50 An Insiders’ Perspective 51 Internet Questionnaire 51 In-Depth Interviews 54 CHAPTER 4: IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 66 The Eye of History 69 Eye Spy A Gamer Girl 86 Sexism is in the Eye of the Beholder 98 Opinions of Sexism in Gaming 103 Stereotypes of Gamers and Gaming 107 Sexism in The Material Culture of Gaming: Art, Media, and Language 111 Negative Gender Relations 118 CHAPTER 5: ENCOUNTERS AT THE CROSSROADS 133 “Worlds Apart” 138 “Worlds Apart” Commentary 152 “Fireballs” 154 “Fireballs” Commentary 185

“Called” 187 “Called” Commentary 229 CHAPTER 6: THE RETURN 235 The Liminoid In “Worlds Apart” 237 The Liminoid In “Fireballs” 238 The Liminoid In “Called” 240 REFERENCES 269 APPENDICES Appendix A: RPG Companies List 278 Appendix B: Gaming Professional Recruitment Letter 280 Appendix C: Introduction Email and Consent Form 281 Appendix D: Gaming Professional Interview Question Guide 285 Appendix E: Internet Questionnaire Invitation Email 286 Appendix F: List of Gaming Communities, Gaming Sites and Email Lists 287 Appendix G: Overview and Consent Form, Questionnaire, Debriefing Form 289 Appendix H: Questionnaire Analysis 290 Appendix I: Female Interview Participant Recruitment Letter 291 Appendix J: Statement of Informed Consent for Female Gamer Interviews 292 Appendix K: Female Gamer Interviews Initial Questions 295 Appendix L: Female Gamer Interview 2 Instructions and Questions 296 Appendix M: Interview 3 Instructions and Questions 298

TABLES Table 1: Year of First Game for Female Players 299 Table 2: Introduction to RPG’s 300 Table 3: Game Systems Played Monthly for at Least Six Months 301 Table 4: Favorite Table-top Role-playing Game or System to Play or GM 302

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Table 5: Importance of Storytelling, Character Building, Dice and Rules Structure in Ideal Gaming Group 303 Table 6: Agreement on Character Creation Elements 304 Table 7: Personal Experience of Gender Prejudice, Discrimination and Harassment 305 Table 8: Observed Experience of Gender Prejudice, Discrimination and Harassment 306 Table 9: Rumors of Gender Prejudice, Discrimination and Harassment 307 Table 10: Ratings of Gender Equity in Gaming Artwork 308 Table 11: Ratings of Gender Equity in Gaming Language 309 Table 12: Ratings of Gender Equity in Other Gaming Media and Events 310 Table 13: Opinion of Women Being Involved in Gaming Group 311 Table 14: Opinion of Gaming Books and Media as Sexist 312 Table 15: Perception of Change in Gender Equality Issues in Gaming 313 Table 16: Opinions of Helpful Actions to Make Gaming More Gender Equal and Less Sexist 314 Table 17: Opinion of Most Helpful Action to Make Gaming More Gender Equal and Less Sexist 316

DEDICATION

This project is dedicated to Coyote, Raven, Monkey, Eshu, Papa Legba, Loki, Mercury, Hermes, and to all tricksters who have made their paradoxical and slippery presences known in personal, symbolic, real, and imaginal ways throughout my life and particularly in the development of this project. You are the guardians of the crossroads, guides for journeys, and paragons of multiplicities. I acknowledge you and hope your spirits shine in this work.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This journey has indeed been a long one full of adventure, mystery, challenge, pain, and accomplishment. Many have helped me to finally reach its conclusion and I owe a dragon’s hoard in gold to each of you. I turn my thanks first to my committee who stuck with me as this project evolved out of my master’s thesis, despite the twists and turns and ways that life got in the way sometimes. My advisor Dr. Roger Knudson introduced me to Hillman and archetypal psychology, a theory that felt like home long before I could articulate that, and helped me to think about and give voice to the imaginal that was already such a strong part of my being. His patient and soulful guidance, scholarly challenges, gently persistent prodding, wise outlook, and sharp editing pen have truly shaped me into the therapist, researcher, and scholar I have become. To Dr. Karen Maitland Schilling I give thanks for her ongoing support and persistent challenge that I be and do my best. To Dr. Ann Fuehrer I give thanks for her warm support, encouragement, and gentle challenges to hold up the mirror of self-reflection no matter how hard that gaze might be to hold. To Dr. C. Lee Harrington I must acknowledge true appreciation for sticking with the journey and for offering her unique perspective and appreciation of the challenges of doing research on a topic that is so dear and close to one’s heart. Next I must give deepest thanks to all the participants in this project. First to Christine, Jennifer, Emily and their characters Kai Tilanne, Siv and Lily, who shared their lives and stories and gave so openly of their time and energy to an interview process that stretched out much longer than anticipated. I thank you for your dedication to the process, your insights, and enthusiasm. I am also indebted to the gaming professionals Kim, Todd, Scott, Nikola, Ally, Steve, Marc, Cindy, Liz, Gavin, David, and Tammy, who also took time from their busy schedules and work to share their thoughts, perspectives, stories and ideas with me. A special acknowledgement goes to Samantha, who lost her fight in this world but has moved on to adventures elsewhere. We fight on! I’d also like to note Mike Stackpole whose help, knowledge, contacts, and participation in a previous project served as inspiration in moving this project forward. I am also truly thankful to all the many members of the worldwide gaming community who participated in the online questionnaire. Your excited response and efforts to spread the word not only provided a wonderfully rich mine of information but also reminded me about the positive and supportive aspects of the community of which I am honored to be a part. I want to thank all my colleagues in graduate school who walked this road with me. Most importantly I must warmly thank (and blame) Dr. Christian Mauro as one of the first and dearest friends of my graduate school days. He really started me down this road when in his difficulty to truly understand my obsessive hobby he suggested, “That would be a great topic for your thesis.” Thank you brother for remaining a shining light to the future by which I guide my steps. “Do or do not. There is no try.” I also must acknowledge Mike Gray for taking on the mantle I left for him and providing an ongoing supportive connection to Miami, a guide to thinking truly big thoughts, a critical eye, and the reminder of the poetry and “carnivale” that is the world. “The Sleeper has awakened.” I also acknowledge the long gone members of the DSG (Dissertation Support Group) as the last of our numbers to finally finish. I must also thank my dear friend Rick Carl. Having begun the graduate journey together in different fields, and despite his choice to leave that path for a different adventure, his thoughtful reflection, caring support, twisted humor, inspiring resilience, early morning emails, alchemical concoctions, musical motivations, and distractions of Dark Fate have been critical to

my reaching this goal. I thank you brother as I dance my way across this threshold and look forward to our future adventures. I must also give a deep and tearful thank you to Dr. Tom Dyehouse, a mentor who embodied many things I hope to be. Your wisdom, gentle strength, and guidance kept me going all along this road even when you were no longer here to share it with me. “In chaos great dreams begin.” I must also thank Dr. Mike Steward for teaching me true balance and setting a shining example of how to walk in the world with humility, integrity, honor, and courage. I give much appreciation to all the gamers I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and with whom I’ve shared so many adventures. I recall with great fondness the fun and the stories, the Dew, dice, and Doritos, from the earliest days with Corny, Brian, Todd and Tom, (I’m going to slam him, 5 areas, down into the hard concrete!) to the High School Crew with Scott, Rick, Jay, Todd, Aaron, Mark, and later Dana. (There are over 100 of them. There are 5 of you. Are you sure you want to attack?) I look back with fondness at the early Miami gamers Steve, Keith, Becky, Alexis, Unka Teman and OG Mike (Samuel is the Prince of Darkness!) and with equal fondness to those of my later days, Don, Mike, Mueller, Wimer, and Zak (Strange things happen around me. Flibbity Floo!). I cannot forget to give respect to all those who shared various random games and who I just talked gaming with over the years. I also want to give credit to Sheila, though not a gamer, her awareness of them and supportive reading helped to let me know that this project was accessible to many. I also cannot acknowledge these people without also acknowledging the many characters we played, too numerous to mention but who provided many surprises, thrills, successes, tragedies, and triumphs. The fun was immeasurable. Without you all my life and quest would not be quite so interesting. Well met to you all and may we game again soon. I am also deeply thankful for my family as well. To my parents, Martin and Kathleen, I thank you for all you did to instill in me the value of education and of creativity. I love you for all the ways that you supported me, my hobby and my friends, from giving us space, time, food, rides, and money so I could game, to the home you provided, the tuition you paid and the love, caring, and guidance you always gave. I thank you so much for all you have done to help me get this far. I give my brother Aaron a special thank you for inspiring me with his art and his artful approach to life and for always giving that supportive call in the toughest of times. We’ve been through so much together; I am truly blessed to call you my brother and my friend. I want to thank his wife Dana as one of our early female gamers but also as someone who knows how to offer quiet and reliable support to my family and me. I also want to thank and recognize the Hutchisons, Bill, Chris, and Angela. You have warmly welcomed me to your family, opened your homes and hearts, and always provided supportive talks, caring, hope, and insight. Last here, but most assuredly first in my heart and mind, I cannot say enough to thank my dear wife Rebecca Dyszelski. Who would have guessed that our first “lost” encounter in the lobby of Benton Hall would turn into the most heartfelt partnership of love and devotion? I cannot thank you enough for all you did for me along this long journey, especially in helping me face these final battles, especially when they were battles with myself. You keep me grounded when I need to come down to earth, you inspire me to be the best I can, and you never fail to surprise me each day. I look forward to our next big adventure. Your love is the richest treasure any hero could hope to find and you truly bring magic to my life.

I’d only come here seeking peace. I’d only come here seeking me. It seems I came to leave. – Dark Angel by VNV Nation

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Foreword: A Guide to Reading The direction and presentation of this project is inspired and seeks to remain true to the sense of play, adventure, and imagination of the games upon which it is based. It also seeks to honor psyche, the imaginal, as creative ground of the world. Lastly it seeks to rise to the challenge posed by qualitative researchers to create “messy texts…that allow readers to imaginatively feel their way into the experiences that are being described” (Denzin, 1997, p.12). One direct model of this comes from Lather and Smithies (1997) who have presented their own experiences as researchers alongside the words of their participants in a unique split page format and interjected by thought provoking themes presented in what they call Intertexts. Another inspiration comes from the work archetypal theorist James Hillman (1975) who regularly uses lengthy excursions from the text to elucidate points, present important but indirectly related material, and whose style regularly interjects alternative readings, presentations, and viewpoints demonstrating the multiplicity of soul. The final inspiration comes from the games themselves in which a Game Master serves to provide the players with additional information and perspectives from the imaginal world that the players may not be aware of but their characters likely would. Following in this spirit there are moments of interjection and narrative involving The Guide of this journey. They are marked as such by their separation from the flow of the text. The Guide is an imaginal character, which perhaps represents aspects of the researcher, but more accurately has emerged from the work. This guide echoes the trickster figures to who this work is dedicated. The Guide has served to help find the way and to navigate the complexities of traveling through the many crossroads and yet paradoxically to complicate, confuse, and mislead as well. Only by doing so can this work remain true to its spirit of play, of imagination, and of presenting the complications and messiness of the experience of this journey. May he serve you dear reader as well.

Chapter 1: Introduction Well met. I am The Guide. I invite you, reader, to embark with me on an adventure, a journey into a magical and imaginative place, a journey to The Crossroads. I will serve as your guide for this experience. This journey will take us through a number of other crossroads, way stations, rest stops, and scenic overlooks. We may see some wondrous things, meet some interesting characters, overcome some challenges, and perhaps even learn more about ourselves in the process. So strap on your gear, adjust your garb, and open your hearts and minds. We begin our journey at another crossroads of sorts, the Culture Crossroads. ______The mobility of people and symbols, cultural pluralism, and the state of ever present change, uncertainty and the lack of grounding that we call postmodernism surrounds us each day and serves as evidence of a culture in a state of continual transition, “betwixt and between” (Van Genep , 1960). The struggles with pluralism and multiculturalism rampant across our global community are symptoms of this state and the concurrent rise of fundamentalism and nationalism seem to be attempts to address this state through simplification, polarization and a retreat to less complex culture and ways of being (Anderson, 1997). Postmodern culture might be seen as essentially a liminal culture, a culture at a crossroads. Liminal spaces have long served the essential function for humankind of transformative spaces where, what is mundanely bound in sociostructural form may be unbound…new meanings and symbols may be introduced- or new ways of portraying and embellishing old models for living, and so of renewing interest in them. Ritual liminality therefore contains the potentiality for cultural innovation, as well as the means of affecting structural transformations within a relatively stable sociocultural system (Turner, 1982, pp. 84-85). Turner (1969) notes, however, a distinction between liminal and liminoid experience. He indicates that the liminal experience is more indicative of tribal societies, is related to the rhythms of the world, appears at times of natural break or disjunction, and is integrated into a total social process of culture, organized around collectively meaningful intellectual and emotional symbols. In contrast, the liminoid is more characteristic of complex modern societies, in that it is more fragmentary, plural, idiosyncratically generated by individuals or groups who are marginal to the dominant cultural institutions and seeking recognition. He states that these

liminoid experiences are more like a “dismembering of the liminal” (Turner & Turner, 1978, p. 253) into separate specialized genres (as cited in Moore, 1991, p. 22). While Turner hints that these two states seem to co-exist in modern society, Moore (1991) suggests that the differentiation between the liminal and liminoid should be based upon how the boundaries of these states are stewarded, focusing on the nature and permeability of the boundaries and the importance of consciously intentional leaders who make judgments about the appropriate utilization of that space. Put another way he states, one can participate in liminoid space without there being present in any social actor conscious intentionality as to the psychocultural purposes of the activities involved. Liminal space cannot properly be said to exist without the existence of such conscious intentionality on the part of its stewards. The unstewarded boundaries of liminoid space are permeable and hence cannot sustain or ‘hold’ the intensity of transformative process characteristic of liminal states (p. 24). Our society seems to lack the ritual structures and processes necessary for such transformations and ritual elders or stewards who are consciously and intentionally aware of the psychocultural purposes of such a state and its appropriate use. Without clear and dominant cultural institutions, traditions, rituals, and elders tending the space and leading individuals and thus the culture through the transformation, we are left neither here nor there; in a liminoid state that cannot sustain the necessary transformation to a new state and filled with people seeking the meaning and depth they would find through the transformation in liminal space. We are left seeking grounding in the swirl, stationary at the crossroads. ______The Guide intones: “Left at the crossroads between the centuries.” - David Bowie – Segue- Ramona, Stone, I am with name on 1. Outside ______The movement from institutionalized liminal states designed to transform and evolve our culture and its inhabitants to its current liminoid configuration may have been a result of a serious rupture, a fracturing or dismembering which has prevented the necessary containment for transformation. The origins of this liminoid state seem intimately connected to a crisis founded in the rise of modernity. Wilber (1998) refers to this as the “dignity and disaster” of modernity. He suggests that the differentiation of the value spheres of art, morals, and science was a triumph

of modernity and allowed for many of the positive changes in society such as the rise of liberal democracy, the end of slavery, the growth of feminism and civil rights movements and the advances in medical sciences. However, the differentiations became dissociations and led to “disaster” as the spheres of art and morals were dominated by a scientism that pronounced the other spheres as worthless, nonexistent, and reduced the whole of the world to just matter, giving it and its epistemologies reign. This is what Weber (1946) referred to as the “disenchantment of the world”. Numerous scholars have framed this disenchantment as our separation from an imaginal grounding (Avens, 1984; Casey, 1991; Corbin, 1972; Hillman, 1975, 1979, 1981; Sardello, 1992; Taylor, 1996; Watkins, 1976, 1986), others focus on the related separation from a more intimate connection with the natural world through our senses (Abram, 1996; Roszak, Gomes, & Kanner, 1995), while still others focus on the loss of connection to myth (May, 1991; Diamond, 1996). Feminist archetypal theorists have noted how that separation is intimately related to the submission and denigration of the feminine (Bolen, 1984; Goldenberg, 1979; Gomes & Kanner, 1995; Huber, 1999; Lauter & Rupprecht, 1985; Leonard, 1993; Lichtman, 1991; Roszak, T., 1995; Woodman, 1992). All have sought ways that we may not only understand but heal this separation and enter into a fuller, more attuned relation to the world we inhabit before we destroy it entirely. ______Ah, but here comes our first encounter, the gate guard for the next stage of the journey. You better get out your identification. Security is tight. Identity theft is on the rise. Let’s see, Passport, Social Security Number, Medical History Number, License Number, Insurance Policy Number, Student ID, library card, multi-digit number for each bank/credit/debit/ account, and mother’s maiden name to authenticate them all. Don’t forget the answers to the three other authentication security questions. Four different email addresses - one for business, one for family, one for friends, one just to collect the spam. Six different screen names for each different message system and online community and a secure password for each one. Triple A membership card, frequent flyer account number, and casino players card. Oh and don’t forget about your frequent grocery shoppers card. ______

Identity Crisis at the Crossroads Such a transitional culture has an impact upon the psyche of its people and this cultural crossroads leaves us also at a sort of crossroads of the self. Hall (1991) discusses the personal psychological implications of sociocultural liminal states and suggests that the ordinary result of liminal transition is the enlargement of what be called the personal sphere of the psyche. He claims that …the liminal identity is one that involves a shift of identity from the usual sense of the self toward an identity that is known to be different from the persona, is feared to be the shadow, and actually moves if successful, toward a more comprehensive dominant self- image than the one transiently abandoned in the liminal state (p. 41). But amid the fast paced, interconnected, postmodern blur of real and virtual, the confusion and sometimes panics as we try to include the numerous selves, roles, identities and aspects all and none of which seems to be quite “me” suggests that much like our liminoid culture, people in our society are at a crossroad. We are seeking containment for the transformation and experiencing a liminoid construction of self; we are no longer modern and yet not quite a fully postmodern self. ______“Don’t get distracted here, there are lots of temptations along this road.” “Extreme Makeovers” screams the neon of the sign to the left on the plastic and laser surgery center which sits right across the street from the Tattoo and Piercing Pagoda. Strangely there seems to be a lot of traffic between the two. A billboard rises to the right announcing your chance to “Meet the stars of Reality TV and hear the story of how they were inaccurately portrayed on the show.” A kiosk offers to find your perfect mate through its scientifically tested personality matching system. Another billboard promoting a TV show asks “Who Wants To Be Duped Into Thinking They Are A Multimillionaire?” A crowd of people surrounds a small booth with a Canadian flag promising the latest prescriptions and cosmetics at the lowest prices to improve your sex life, your heart condition, your depression, and looks. Another small booth is decorated with flags of virtually every nationality and its sign reads “Ethnicities Are Us.” Just ahead is the Self-Help Bookshop, which of course sells only self-help books. Just past that stands the biggest health club you have ever seen. All the external walls are windows, the inner walls are all mirrors, and

it is full of beautiful people. Shadowy figures seem to lurk on the periphery and in the alleyways and they seem to do a brisk business of some sort as well. ______Likewise, as our doubts about who I am hum through our teletechnological systems, our epistemologies, theories, and conceptualizations of self have become increasingly inadequate and our notion of an integrated autonomous self is challenged by the seeming necessity of theories of self as fluid, multiple, and relational. Several scholars (Baumeister, 1991; Cushman, 1995; Gergen, 1991; Lifton, 1993; Taylor, 1989) have pointed to the fragmentation and dissolution of the self and discuss the problems and opportunities that arise socially and psychologically in the face of our movement into an increasingly connected, fast moving, shrinking, global, postmodern world. Others (Csikszentmihalyi, 1993; Kegan, 1982, 1994; Wilber, 1998) have tried to explicitly frame this movement as a necessary evolutionary process requiring something similar to the separation, containment, and integration as that referred to in the ethnographic studies of ritual and rites of passage where the term liminal was first used. Feminist theorists (Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger, & Tarule, 1986; Gilligan, 1993; Jordan, 1997; Miller, 1986, 1997) continue to challenge the masculine based models of self that have been constructed and maintained in ways that are oppressive and damaging to all people, and point to the need for new concepts of a self/being-in-relation, and connected selves based primarily on the experiences of women. Archetypal theorist James Hillman (1975) also critiques the ascendancy of Self in our culture and the need to re-vision our psychology based upon self. W. T. Anderson (1997) refers to this confusion about self as “everybody’s identity crisis” (p. xi), the uncertain and unsettling shifting of our experience and understanding of self away from our modernist ideals of the independent, integrated, autonomous self. He sees this as further complicated by the current intersection and permeation of pre-modern, modern and postmodern ideologies of self. He uses Gergen’s (1991) term “mulitphrenia” referring to the consciousness of all of us who are constantly and increasingly saturated with the many voices, ideas, and media in a mobile, changing, pluralistic, media-rich culture and suggests two basic models of coping with this state of self. He states, “the first is to make your own life-and perhaps society as a whole-less multiphrenic. The second is to “get good at multiphrenia” (p. 47).

While the liminoid state of our culture seems to be both cause and effect of this identity crisis, that very state seems also to be necessary to find resolution. Rappaport, Baumgardner, and Boone (1999) note that theorizing about such a pluralistic self is only just emerging and clearly suggest which road we need to take as a necessity to effectively adapt to the conditions of postmodern life. They state Adaptation to rapidly changing socio-economic environments increasingly requires a pluralistic sense of self: the popular culture increasingly encourages development of a plural self and provides attractive, instructive models toward this end; and the discourses of leading-edge theories in philosophy, social science, physics and biology increasingly support pluralism as a foundation principle of contemporary epistemology (p. 97). Clearly in a post-modern world increasingly struggling with disenchantment, globalism, multiculturalism, and facing critical questions about the very nature of self, we need transitional spaces to transform our sense of self and our very consciousness about self. Moore (1991) speaks directly to our liminoid situation suggesting that lacking conscious leaders to invoke and steward the liminal space, …individuals, when sensing the need for liminal space, will seek out boundary and containment wherever they can. If knowledgeable ritual elders are not present to invoke liminal space and lead them through it, then they gravitate to the liminoid and try to find containment or generate it on their own (p. 28). Lacking the formal structures and stewards of liminal space, perhaps such liminoid spaces are the best option we have. But where do we find transitional liminoid space necessary to transform ourselves and resolve this identity crisis? ______The problem with crossroads. There is always a choice of which way to go from here. But what is this rising out of the sands of our confusion, as if a dream, a mirage, an image? Is that a playground I see filled with toys, and games, and wild imaginings? ______The Playground of Active Imagination Johan Huizinga (1950) asserts that play has always been a crucial element of transformative spaces and to the development of culture and its people. Huizinga asserts that competition, ritual, poetry, music, dancing, philosophy, warfare and laws all arise from the spirit

of play. He posits that “civilization is, in its earliest phases, played…it arises in and as play and never leaves it” (p. 173). Developmental theorists have long discussed how play is essential to human cognitive, social, and moral development (eg. Lieberman, 1977; Piaget, 1962; Singer, 1973; Singer and Singer, 1990). Turner (1969) similarly indicates that liminoid states are often associated with marginalization, leisure, and play. The play necessary for the transition and development of a postmodern consciousness of self might be best equated to that presented by Winnicott (1971), who describes therapy as a transitional space where the “me” and “not me” are creatively brought into conscious relationship through imaginal play. This is similar as well to the various Jungian and post- Jungian techniques of active imagination and dream work which focus on the healing aspects of bringing one into relationship with the imaginal. Active imagination seems to offer a promising way of encountering liminoid space and finding ways to contain and steward our experiences in order to transform our consciousness and our self. By entering the psyche, that marginal space of the imaginal between waking and dreaming, reality and virtuality, body and mind, we learn how to operate in such spaces and relate to them. Hillman (1975) focuses on the idea that psyche is inherently dissociable and located in multiple autonomous centers and figures which we can encounter through imagination. As Jung (as cited in Cwik, 1991, p. 102) states about using active imagination to engage the unconscious, the essential thing is to differentiate oneself from these contents by personifying them, and at the same time bring them into relationship with consciousness…It is not too difficult to personify them as they always possess a certain degree of autonomy, a separate identity of their own. (Jung, 1965, p. 187) Cwik notes one should embody such work in some form, written, sculpted, drawn, painted, or even a scripted dialogue between the ego and the imaginal “other” as a means of containment for such an encounter. Ideally such work would allow these aspects to coexist, mutually, in rhythmic succession with creative understanding. Humbert (as cited in Cwik, 1991, p. 105) suggests that active imagination leads to concrete contact with “the one who knows,” perhaps one that can steward the transformation through such a space. Von Franz (as cited in Cwik, 1991, p. 105) emphasizes that one needs to apply what is said, ordered or asked for in such encounters to the daily life.

Watkins’ (1976, 1986, 2000) work with imaginal dialogues extends beyond the integration of these autonomous contents of psyche so central to Jungian theory and allows these “others” to remain autonomous rather than integrate them. This process facilitates relativizing the ego to one of many voices and developing an imaginal ego that can observe from numerous perspectives, thus enhancing the possibility for greater awareness. Such active imagination then may not be as traditionally understood, a primitive form of thinking that is used solely to develop rational ego-consciousness thinking and then discarded, but may actually be an essential and necessary form of imaginal consciousness. Hillman (1985) refers to this as “the relativization of the ego” which would alter our consciousness so that “becoming conscious would now mean becoming aware of fantasies and the recognition of them everywhere and not merely in a ‘fantasy world’ separate from reality” (Hillman, 1985, p. 94). Hillman (1975) refers to this process as “soul-making” and stresses that it occurs in the engagement of this consciousness with the world. Such a consciousness is what Hillman refers to as psychological polytheism which “recognizes that the soul has many sources of meaning, direction, value” and seeks to honor those, giving place to multiplicity and ways to talk about such multiplicity adequately (Hillman, 1991, p. 37). This consciousness is intimately connected to fantasy, imagination, myth, and poetry. It “looks carefully at the relations between dream figures, giving them a hearing, allowing each its due, even those dream persons the ego finds objectionable and threatening” (Ibid.). Such consciousness is “richly textured and texted” (Ibid.). It is accepting and receptive to voices of difference and their conflicts and is “flexible, embracing, tolerant, patient and complicated” (Ibid., p. 38). By learning to live and play in it, honor its multiplicities and tensions, “we find vitality in tension, learn from paradox, gather wisdom by straddling ambivalence, and gain confidence in trusting the confusion that naturally arises from multiplicity” (Ibid., p. 37). By learning to relativize the ego and develop polytheistic consciousness that keeps us connected to psyche through creative imaginative encounter and play we find means to cope with the disenchantment of the fragmented postmodern world. Such play may also move to resolve the identity crisis that faces us in this new millennium in ways that may eventually teach us how to facilitate the transformation of our fractured selves and world into a new social order. But where does one find people who actively, intentionally, and imaginatively play with the notion of self? Who would be best to help us to explore and understand entering liminoid states of being

and what they can tell us about how to “get good at multiphrenia” (Anderson, 1997, p. 47) and live in a pluralistic, multicultural, re-enchanted world? Perhaps the answer to our question of where to find the imaginative marginalized liminoid spaces with the potential for transforming the self is to be found in one of the popular entertainment playgrounds of postmodern culture. Role-playing Games as Transformative Liminoid Spaces While extensive research has also explored the use of role-playing to change people’s attitudes and alter behaviors in management and other training simulations (Mathur & Rutherford, Jr., 1994; Du Paul and Eckert, 1994; Moore, 1994; Kipper, 1992; Hsu, 1989; Williams, McCandless, Hobb & Williams (1986); McGuire & Thelen, 1983; Galassi, De Lo, Galassi, & Bastien, 1974), the lasting effects of these exercises remained elusive and their intention and direction lack the sense of playfulness we seek. Other theorists have presented methodologies designed to use psychodrama, improvisational theatre, and role-playing to reconnect with their playful, imaginative creativity and express themselves more fully and flexibly in all their life roles (eg. Blatner and Blatner, 1988; Weiner 1994), but have done little to document their effectiveness. ______A short round man with balding head wearing a brown robe suddenly appears. His face is charmed with a knowing and mysterious grin. “Greetings. I am the Game Master. I hope you brought along your dice and character sheets and are ready to begin your adventure.” ______The answer to where we can find contained active imagination that plays with the notion of self arises out of the very postmodern pop culture which surrounds us, namely role-playing games, like those most commonly known and exemplified by Dungeons and Dragons®. At the most basic, role-playing games are more adult and rule structured versions of imaginative childhood games like “Cops and Robbers” or “House.” These games are typically played by a group of 2 or more individuals gathering around a table or other common space. One person in the group usually is chosen voluntarily as Gamemaster (GM), and the others are considered players. Flexibly responsive to the group and using a rule structure and genre defined by the particular published or homegrown game system, the Gamemaster develops and presents a background setting, a plot line, story line, or scenario in which the characters created by the players will interact. Gamemasters may use either published game materials or their own

creatively designed materials. The Gamemaster typically designs and plays all the supplementary characters the players’ characters will encounter as well as adjudicates the rules. The players, with the guidance of the Gamemaster and within the rules of the game system, create what are known as player characters [PCs]. These are personas with attributes and skills, usually numerically defined, which determine that character’s ability to perform specific actions in the game. The player enacting that character role gives the character an initial personality, goals and motivations. There is some input from the Gamemaster to ensure some potential group cohesion between the characters and consistency with the setting he has designed. In many games dice are used in the process of numerically defining some character attributes as well as during play to inject a random element to the success of the characters in their encounters. The scenarios created and played out are often but not necessarily linked into an ongoing, overarching story or plot line known as a campaign. Scenarios can last one gaming session (typically lasting 4-8 hours), or several; campaigns can last for months or even years. Over the course of a scenario and especially a campaign, the interactions of the characters in the fantasy world form stories that become for the players and Gamemaster a shared history. The rules also allow for characters to gain in skills and talents as they interact in the scenarios over time, allowing for further development of characters and imaginal enrichment of the stories and shared history. Role-playing games are similar in many ways to improvisational theatre or storytelling, with the Gamemaster as director and the players interacting within the scenes he or she creates. For the game to run well, everyone must work cooperatively toward the socially negotiated and shared goals, while fulfilling personal goals as well. This negotiation occurs simultaneously at three levels: the level of “normal” personal interaction, as players in a specific gaming group, as well as characters in the shared fantasy world. It seems to me that role-playing games may be liminoid spaces in which some people fulfill the need for the liminal in a culture that lacks it. As such, they are a place to explore the experience of these liminoid spaces, the possibility of creating liminoid spaces that transform consciousness, and the effect such experience has upon the lives of those who regularly and actively engage in them. By actively engaging the power of images and playing with the forms of liminoid space and self through their implicit connections to the ritual, mythic and heroic,

these games seem to provide a sort of imaginal education, developing an imaginal consciousness. By examining this nexus of active imagination, we may better understand the ways that people engage and develop relationship to the images of these fantasy worlds, and thereby transform their consciousness and remain intimately and powerfully connected to a sort of imaginal grounding, engaged with image, fantasy, myth, and life-world. More centrally, by examining the ways players begin, develop, and evolve relationships to and between the imaginal characters that they play in these games, we may better understand how to negotiate the complexities of a post-modern multiple self-in-relation, perhaps the kind necessary to “get good at multiphrenia” (Anderson, 1997), to resolve our identity crisis, and survive or perhaps re-enchant, the disenchanted, postmodern world. Evidence for the containment and transformational aspects offered by role playing games is slim but one insightful early piece seems to support the view of gaming as a transformative space. John Hughes (1988) in his paper “Therapy is Fantasy: Roleplaying, healing, and the construction of symbolic order” presents a case for the healing potential of role-playing and how the construction of personal symbols or characters in a game aided one participant in dealing with depression. Hughes’ assertions that a role-playing game is a shared fantasy that is voluntary and limited in domain and that players act out their fantasies within an explicit sense of containment clearly demarcates them as liminoid spaces. He also notes that the characters created and enacted by players are personal symbols which have “transformational potential” and that groups can begin to harness this to challenge themselves personally and move role-playing more from a “a purely recreational milieu into something that is pedagogical and explicitly therapeutic.” His case study of “Malori” and her character Jack demonstrates how “Malori” consciously created the character to compensate for her own perceived inadequacies and through her intense emotional involvement and projection onto this character created and lived out a transformational personal myth. He notes how this helped her to sort through complicated gender issues, to “experience some of the personality attributes she is trying to develop within herself,” and how to apply these personal symbols to control her depression. What began as a diversion from depression ultimately played a key role in recovery and personal transformation. While Hughes’ (1988) paper shows some of the potential for role-playing games, sadly, much of the research on role-playing games is quite limited in both quality and quantity. The majority of correlational and comparative personality studies have focused on examining the

evidence that role-playing games are linked to such negative traits and behaviors as psychoticism, suicide, and criminal behavior (Abyeta & Forest, 1991; Carroll & Carolin, 1989; Carter & Lester, 1998; DeRenard & Kline, 1990; Douse &McManus, 1993; Rosenthal, Soper, Folse & Whipple, 1998; Simon, 1987, 1998). These studies demonstrate that evidence of such negative claims is largely unfounded. This supports sociological analysis and critical reviews of the media reports and literature from which these negative claims are generated (Cardwell, 1994; Lancaster, 1994; Martin & Fine, 1991; Sutton, 1984; Toles-Patkin, 1986; Wiseman & Stackpole, 1991). The misperceptions of these games are further fostered by works like Ascherman’s (1993) examination of the disruption such games caused on an adolescent inpatient unit. Ascheman’s study demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of role-playing games and does more to demonstrate the way rebellious and disturbed patients may have escalated and used the game milieu as part of their rebellion against a staff with a lack of clear leadership, than it does to distinguish any “dangers” such activity might pose in and of itself. The criticism of games is countered by anecdotal evidence from many game players and designers who claim several benefits of games, including encouraging reading, math, and social interaction skills (Wiseman and Stackpole, 1991). This is supported by some research which has taken a positive clinical approach to role-playing games by modifying the purpose of the games toward the goal of psychological treatment, but found limited success utilizing them as an intervention (Blackmon, 1994; Zayas & Lewis, 1986). The problem with this line of research is that it alters the games to suit the treatment goals, does not address gaming and its effects as they occur in vitro, and loses some of the spirit of playfulness in their treatment intention. More directly to the issue at hand, a few critical studies of these games touch on and try to elaborate what might be the most misunderstood aspect of these games: the seeming blurring of the lines between reality and fantasy, self and character. It is this relationship and its connection to identity, however, which also provides one of the most interesting reasons to study games from a psychological standpoint and the critical key to understanding the potential role- playing gaming may serve for transformation. ______If you will take a look to your left you’ll see the video game arcade. Note as well the “white coats” and their clipboards. It is interesting to note that while this issue of real and virtual and the notion of self was largely ignored in relation to traditional role-playing games, it is a hot

topic among those who study PC, video, and online games. Perhaps the bells, whistles and hi- tech graphics are more attractive. Perhaps the liminal space of human computer interaction is an even better place to examine these issues as it more accurately engages the future of humanity. Perhaps it adds additional layers of complication and complexity. Well our journey leads elsewhere for now. ______Fine (1983) offers the most comprehensive, but now dated, ethnography of gaming, including a thorough description of the subculture of gamers and their social interactions, the history of role-playing games, and a general theory about the interest and involvement in gaming. His use of frame analysis indicates that these players are able to operate simultaneously in multiply embedded frames of reference and to switch quite naturally and rapidly between these frames. He simplifies these frames to three: the “primary” or “social” framework of people interacting in the real world, the “game frame” of players manipulating characters within the rules and structures of the game, and the “character” or “fantasy frame” of characters interacting within a mutually created, shared fantasy realm. Ultimately he focuses on the social aspects of these games and reiterates that the majority of players are involved solely for entertainment purposes. A unique approach is taken by Myers (1992), who utilizes a structural analysis of various game rule systems to discover how they simulate human characters and attributes. He also shows the way game rule systems have mirrored cultural changes to less bounded, objectified notions of self. Mackay’s (2001) work is a breakthrough in understanding role-playing games, by examining role-playing games from the standpoint of performance analysis. He proposes that games are imaginary-entertainment-environments where imaginary space is created for the performance and entertainment of the players, but suggests that they could be more. He elaborates the study of role-playing games by examining four different structures or dimensions of gaming: the cultural, formal, social, and the aesthetic. Refining Fine’s (1983) frame analysis by utilizing Schechner’s taxonomy of performance analysis, he clarifies the multiple intersecting frames of modern culture, multiple subcultures, persons, players, and imaginary characters. He also elucidates how this intersection is constantly being negotiated and how it is influenced by and influences popular culture. He highlights the powerful value of engrossment in character

and fantasy world to create lasting connections between the players, tap emotions, and enliven the forms of popular culture out of which gaming arises. Mackay notes the ways that lack of meaning, emptiness, and lack of structures to understand events around us in postmodern capitalist consumer cultures impact identity. He suggests that through gaming players can “undermine the capitalist mythology that tries to hypnotize people into identifying with their lifestyle choices, which makes them think that they are akin to the lifestyle represented in what they listen to or watch- that is, what they consume. In the role-playing game performance players adopt roles with which they strive to identify, but they do not fall victim to the illusion that they are those roles. Through role-playing the transparency and unreality of the lifestyle roles the cultural powers want to pawn on us can be revealed” (p. 156). Though he notes that ultimately role-playing performances often end up reflecting and reinforcing the dominant cultural forms which surround them, he still acknowledges the potential for transformation at least on the personal level. He suggests that there may also be an elusive fifth structure, the spiritual dimension of gaming, that he believes can only be found through further exploration and acknowledgement of gaming as an aesthetic performative experience (Ibid, p. 156). My own research (Dyszelski, 1998) with long-time male gamers substantiates Fine’s (1983) general theory of involvement and points to more individual differences in the emphasis players place on different aspects of gaming. More importantly, these players’ experiences point to a developmental progression of the ability to separate and maintain multiple frames of experience through playing with those frames. This development in the depth, detail and engagement in the fantasy frame through active imagination influences their experiences in the real world frame, including learning about self, others, and relationship. It leads some to seeking to learn more about the “real world” to enhance the detail and richness of the fantasy frame, experiencing the world from multiple perspectives, safely experimenting with new solutions and approaches to situations, and stretching their awareness beyond the individual self to an interconnected world. This too supports Mackay’s (2001) assertion of the ways the role-playing game experience and their players both affect and are affected by the multiple frames in which their performance occurs.

______If you look off to the right you will notice a cloudy area shrouded in mist and hear the echoing sounds of unfamiliar words. Before we move on let’s not forget that there are numerous other studies that are not mentioned here because of the limitations of the writer, namely they are not written in English. Perhaps another day we’ll journey that way. ______Women in Gaming One critical piece that is lacking in the research on role-playing games in general is the accounts of women involved in gaming. The number of women involved in gaming has been slowly growing over the years since its origins as a nearly exclusively male pastime. Their increasing presence has seemed to have an effect on the gaming industry and subculture, but these effects have not been examined or documented. Studying the experiences of women involved in gaming may provide unique perspectives that will broaden our understanding of women’s experiences, particularly of gaming and the role of women in its development, and the place of gaming in the larger culture. It is important to understand why more women are becoming involved in gaming and the impact this is having. Role-playing gaming is a popular cultural past time that both reflects and may prepare some people to deal with the personal and cultural transformations of a liminoid post-modern world. While women’s experiences with gaming may not be necessarily unique or different, studying them provides a uniquely positioned look into the phenomenon from a perspective that is marginally liminal and archetypally connected to the imaginal and the relational. This may help us to see the ways that the relationship between fantasy and reality, player and characters, reflects and revises our traditional notions of self. This study is a document of one journey to explore these issues. Utilizing multiple quantitative and qualitative methods, including surveys, interviews, observation, and examinations of the various media involved in gaming, I examine the stories, experiences, and images of women in gaming, seeking to understand the experience of both gaming and the psyche of women. I attempt to situate those images within the life context of my participants, the gaming subculture, and the larger culture as well. By doing so I hope to address several purposes. First, it seems crucial to explore the experiences of women in such a liminoid transformative space. Clearly women’s experiences and ways of knowing and being have been

both marginalized and oppressed (Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger, & Tarule, 1986; Gilligan, 1993; Jordan, 1997; Miller, 1986, 1997). The experience of being between the world as personally experienced as a woman and the world as patriarchically constructed may be understood as a continual liminoid experience as clearly elucidated by feminist theorists like Anzaldua (1999) who directly uses the concept of borderlands to talk about Mestiza women’s experiences. In a similar fashion, the imaginal and its ways of knowing have been marginalized and oppressed (Hillman, 1975; 1995) and there are clear links between the oppression of the imaginal and the feminine (Bolen, 1984; Goldenberg, 1979; Gomes & Kanner, 1995; Huber, 1999; Lauter & Rupprecht, 1985; Leonard, 1993; Lichtman, 1991; Roszak, T., 1995; Woodman, 1992). Leonard (1993) captures this relationship when she states, “Modes of expression and being that are uniquely feminine or simply unconventional and therefore potentially creative are often disparaged by patriarchal cultures, and when women [or perhaps anyone] try to live them, they are often labeled crazy or eccentric” (p. xvi). The gaming subculture reflects a similar but seemingly changing situation for women. Documenting the experiences, images, and stories of women gamers, who seem to be occupying their own marginal position within the gaming subculture, may offer insights into the links between the oppression of the imaginal and the feminine and the role of liminoid spaces in constructing identity and self. Furthermore, such documentation may give voice to the role women have played in gaming over the years and perhaps address the inequities, discriminations, oppression, and other problems that may have been a part of their experiences with gaming. More importantly, it may offer a unique perspective into the development of an imaginal consciousness that gaming may provide and the influence this has upon the gaming subculture and women involved regarding the transformation of the relationship to self. Secondly, studying female gamers may answer a call by feminist archetypal theorists for not only consciousness raising about women’s issues but also “unconsciousness raising specifically about women’s images in dreams, art, literature, myth, religion and therapy” (Lauter & Rupprecht, 1985, p. 220). Such work may serve to give voice to the “muted” culture of women, allowing those experiences to be articulated and owned. Exploring the connections between these women’s active imagination in gaming, the experience of liminoid spaces, and the influence of these in their lives and understandings of self may provide valuable insights and contribute greatly to the ongoing development of archetypal theory and practice.

Third, a study of women gamers and their relation to their experiences with gaming may serve to build a bridge between feminist theory and archetypal theory that would be mutually beneficial to both. Feminist theorists (Jordan, 1997; Miller, 1997) suggest that fundamental notions of self are formed within relationships and that the goal of development is not a separate, individuated, self-gratifying self, but the ability to participate actively in relationships that foster the growth of everyone involved. This idea of self/being-in-relation manifests in interpersonal relationships that are mutually empathic and empowering, growth enhancing, and supportive. Miller (1997) also hints that this relational model of self may also be applied to aspects of self and the relationships between those aspects. These possibilities are neither explored nor elaborated and archetypal theory may provide some indications of how this might be addressed. Watkins’ (1986) work with imaginal dialogues within a theory of self as multiple, dialogical, and relational provides a model of practice to relativize the ego and develop an imaginal ego that can then be used to engage and relate to the various imaginal aspects or “others” of one’s life in a sort of intrapersonal twist to the feminist relational model. Similarly, archetypal practice, like active imagination and that of Watkins’ (1986) imaginal dialogues, might be enhanced by the relational model offered by feminist theorists (Jordan, 1997; Miller, 1997), in that it offers some ideal characteristics and goals of mutually enhancing, supportive relationships that may be helpful in working with the relationships between these imaginal “others” and serving to empower the imaginal aspects of one’s life and world through relationship to them. In the conclusion and coda to Invisible Guests Watkins (2000) begins to point to the connections between her work with imaginal dialogues and the dialogical self theories of various feminist and multicultural scholars such as Carol Gilligan, Mary Belenky, and Paolo Freire. She states, In the end, the direction…is not inward…only. It cannot be, because imaginal dialogues do not exist separate from the other domains of our lives. The hierarchies of our culture, schools, family- and thus of mind- do not deeply invite dialogue. Neither does the voicelessness directly resulting from such hierarchies of power. Here I am trying to underscore the interpenetration of dialogues with imaginal others, with dialogues with oneself, one’s neighbors, within one’s community, between communities, and with the earth and its creatures. The effort to section off the imaginal from this larger fabric is at best defensive and at worst wasteful of the energies needed to work at much needed reconciliations (p. 190).

Studying women’s experiences with role-playing games may be one more step in that reconciliation. ______That was quite a trip and I’m glad that you are still with us. We have finally reached the first vista from which we can look upon the remainder of the journey. Enjoy the view. The rest of the journey will begin again soon enough. ______Having laid out the background and goals for this project, I invite you to continue on this Journey to the Imaginal Crossroads and the place of women in gaming. In Chapter 2, The Inward Journey, I will present the forestructure for this study and its development in a way that evokes and honors the nature of the imagination and the multiplicity of self. I will present my self, my story, and my relationship to this study and its material from multiple perspectives, hoping to clearly and reflexively locate myself for the reader. Chapter 3, Method in the Madness, offers an understanding of the methodology and presentational style of this work. Based largely in emerging qualitative and ethnographic research models, it also seeks to incorporate an archetypal psychology approach and to articulate these into the research plan and provide one with the tools and equipment in preparation for the remainder of the journey. In Chapter 4, In the Eyes of the Beholder, a classic monster from a classic role-playing game meets a cultural cliché to serve as a sort of metaphor for the multiplicity of perspectives presented in this chapter. The brief history and description of gaming and its subculture and the exploration and elaboration of the place of women in the history and subculture of gaming will be presented in a multivocal text that draws from numerous sources. It is crafted from the general perceptions and misperceptions of women reflected in and presented in gaming literature, books, and artwork. It will be developed from questionnaire data from an online questionnaire about the views and attitudes of and about women in gaming and their experiences. It will also incorporate an insider’s perspective from interviews with gaming professionals about women in gaming, their role in its history and development and their experiences in the gaming world, as well as the women who play. In Chapter 5, Encounters at The Crossroads, we will head into the depths of imaginal space to explore the relationship between character and self, by examining interviews with

female participants about their experiences in gaming and their relationship to their characters. Each participant was interviewed as herself the player, then as a character that she has played, and finally reflexively looking back on the interview process. The stories and interactions between these women and their characters present a complex, rich, and multifaceted view of the nature of self and the relationship to the imaginal other. Chapter 6, The Return, serves as a sort of distillation and analysis of some of the views, perspectives, and themes explored and presented. More than a chance to count the treasures from our adventure or to claim to truth or conclusion, it brings us back to the crossroads at which we began, hopefully having been transformed by the journey. It will serve perhaps as a jumping off point for further journeys into the exploration not only of role-playing games and women’s experiences in that subculture, but into the nature of the imaginal and its role in the transformation of self.

Chapter 2: The Inward Journey A critical part of any qualitative study is for the author to clearly and reflexively position and ground himself or herself for the reader. This is even more essential and complicated from a standpoint in which self is seen as multiple and imaginal. How do you adequately present a postmodern, multiple, imaginal, dialogical self and its relationship to a study of women in gaming? Liminality and crossroads are a theme woven throughout this project. In articulating my own position, story, and relationship to the study, it seems crucial that I acknowledge the intersection of multiple aspects of my life out of which this project has evolved. Originally I felt that three critical areas needed to be discussed to position myself. First I must position myself as a gamer, because it is from that standpoint which I understand gaming. I have been a part of that culture and its evolution and my perspective is shaped by that experience. Secondly, I must position myself as a male, because I will be studying women gamers and gender issues will be pervasive throughout this study both in process and content. Lastly I felt I must position myself as a graduate student, a psychologist in training, researcher, and clinician, who comes to this experience to learn, to understand, and to articulate that to others. However, I must also note the way that in each of these areas there is a sense of liminality, of being on the edge, the periphery, and in some way articulate that feeling. I know that part of this liminality is due to the transitional nature of my position as a graduate student working on a dissertation in a doctoral program. As Deegan and Hill (1991) point out, the “dissertation process is a liminal journey, a passage characterized by ambiguity, uncertainty, and crisis in which the student self is abandoned and a new professional self claims a world of power, authority, maturity and responsibilities” (p. 322). I am at a crossroads in my educational journey, leaving behind the world of the student. This project is a doorway into the professional world. There is more to this sense of liminality than a shift in professional roles. Part of it is the experience of my own identity in a post-modern world. Another part of it is the nature of this material and my experience of my identity in relationship to it; how gaming and graduate studies and examining women in gaming have evolved my own sense of identity during this project. Furthermore the development of an imaginal consciousness for me has meant being able to live in and with paradox and liminality. I experience my liminal position psychologically as Stein, (1983, cited in Hall, 1991) does, stating,

“In liminality the ‘I’s’ standpoint is not fixed and it occupies no clearly defined psychological location. It floats; it is not sharply delineated as ‘this’ and ‘not that’; boundaries between ‘I’ and ‘not-I’ blur…The ego is a has been and a not-yet…The ‘I’ is not anchored to any particular inner images, ideas or feelings…Inner ground shifts…liminality is the realm of Hermes” (p. 45). ______“Did someone say Hermes?” The Guide’s face is twisted with a wickedly mischievous grin. His eyes glint with a flickering fire. There is a slight tremor to the earth beneath our feet made all the more unsettling by the lofty vista on which we stand. He begins an almost gleeful prance. “Hemes is the messenger that leads you to the Underworld. The dark journey of the soul.” The tremor rumbles threatening, ominous, and powerful. The ground feels like it’s rending. “Time to look inside. Time for the Inward Journey.” Each of his prancing steps leaves him almost floating above the earth. With the suddenness of a lightning strike, the ground collapses. A hole opens up beneath our feet. For a brief second it’s as if time stops. We hang there watching the dirt and debris hurtling down and in before we too are falling into the depths below. ______There are numerous ways I could go about presenting my position, the liminality of them, and the multiplicity of self that comes into play for me in undertaking this project. In my initial attempts to write, I found that it seemed like something was missing from each of the positions I laid out. It felt like the three stories were a little too simple, clean, tentative, cautious, and professional. It felt as if they were muted and translated through the voice of objectivizing scientist, rational ego, and the student that steps back to provide the overview. Almost as if out of necessity another voice arose in response to tell different story, another take on this tale. It was a voice from the other side; a voice from the heart of the imaginal. While the addition of that voice helped to complete the picture, the individual narratives still seemed a bit lifeless. I needed to find another way to tell them, one that further problematized the idea of singularity and monological narratives of the self, one that not only showed the multiplicity of self, but also its dialogical and imaginal potentials. As Denzin (2003) describes, “A self-story is a narrative that creates and interprets a structure of experience as it is being told. Self-stories deal with the past, the present, and the future simultaneously” (p. 38).

What follows is an attempt to present my self, my story, and my relationship to this study and its material from multiple perspectives, in a way that evokes and honors the nature of the imagination, the playful spirit of the games, and the multiplicity of self. ______We like to think that we are one; but we are not, most decidedly not. We are not really masters in our house (Jung, 1968, p. 81). ______It is dark here, wherever that is. The kind of dark where even when you strain your eyes you still only imagine what your eyes cannot see. Surprisingly the fall was not damaging, only sudden and shocking. The ground feels cool, like stone, smooth marble stone. The air smells earthy but with a hint of incense. It is cool like an autumn day. Suddenly a small globe of light appears to our right. Its brightness slowly grows to illuminate the hand that holds it and the mischievous smile on the face of The Guide. “Bit of a bumpy ride but well worth it and absolutely necessary. Most travelers balk or get lost on the way so I took the liberty of using the shortcut. Welcome to the Hall of the Self, well at least one version of it.” Lights in sconces around the room slowly flicker to life almost like candles but brighter. They begin to reveal the round stone room in which we stand. Its ceiling is vaulted with ornately carved arches, showing no sign of the collapse that brought us here. The walls are etched with decorative designs all echoing those of various cultures, both familiar and alien. There are several doors around the room, each of their lintels carved with unique knot work designs. The wall opposite is carved to look like an elaborate gateway, though it looks to be as solid as the rest of the walls. In the center of the room is a huge polished oak table, its rich color almost glowing. Large ornately carved chairs circle the table, etched with fantastical carvings, each unique, and yet somehow matching in style. Distracted by the decor, it is easy to overlook that The Guide seems to have disappeared. As we take in this realization and the surrounding sights, a door to the right opens up. Through the door walks a man, he wears a black t-shirt, emblazoned with the word “Vampire” and an image of a fanged fiend dressed in gothic-punk style. He is short and stout but seems to move with a relaxed calmness. His hair is longish but not unkempt, with sunglasses perched atop his head. He sports the stubble of a day without shaving. He carries a large bag,

burgeoning with books and notebooks that he tosses with a thud to the table. A can of Diet Mountain Dew rolls out, which he deftly grabs before it hits the floor. He taps the top twice and cracks it open, pulls from a cavernous duffle a bag of Doritos and tears it open. With a friendly open smile he says, “Hey. You want some?” He offers the bag to us. “I guess I should introduce myself, I’m the Gamer. Glad you could come to talk about this project. I’m really excited about it. I’ve been into gaming a long time. It’s been great to see more women getting involved in gaming and I think it would be great to understand why and maybe get the word out. I know what I got out of gaming and I hope others can too.” He reaches into the bag and begins to munch some Doritos as he takes his seat. Almost as if on cue, the door to the left opens up and in walks another man, looking similar to the first in body, his hair is shorter and he is neatly groomed. He is wearing a pair of black slacks and a rich blue button-down shirt. He carries a black bag, slung over his right shoulder. He smiles and approaches, hand outstretched for a handshake greeting. “I’m the Grad Student. Training in clinical psychology with an interest in clinical work, teaching, and research. I’ve been at this a long time, I guess because I always wanted to do it at my own pace and because there were always so many other interesting aspects of psychology to learn about. I guess you could say it’s my project really. I’m really fascinated by the nature of the self and how gaming impacts that. My interest in archetypal and feminist theories also helped to frame the idea for this project. My clinical work has been eating me up lately, but I’ve been able to pull away long enough to sit down for this meeting. Glad you could come to talk about this. I assume you met The Gamer.” He makes a cursory nod across the way. You can almost sense a tension between these two, not hostile but certainly strained, as they sit opposite one another. The Gamer seems somehow wary of The Grad Student. You could swear he mumbles something under his breath as he thumbs through a gaming manual and then begins to scribble into a three ring binder notebook filled with scrawling text, sketches, and post-it notes. Another door opens up behind us and in walks a man wearing only a black body suit. Identical in body to the other two, his hair like that of the gamer. He greets us with a smile and handshake. “I’m the Male. I’ve always tried to be open to the feminine perspective and strive to find some balance in my gender identity. Talk about a challenge, being a ‘sensitive man.’ I thought my perspective might be important given the complexity of gender in a study about

women done by a man. I’m glad you could be here for this.” He moves on to sit at the table on the left side down from the Grad Student. The Grad Student, who has pulled out a yellow legal pad and pen, says, “I suppose we should get this meeting underway. Perhaps we should start by just talking a bit about what we bring to this study, our history, background, interest and perspectives. Who wants to start?” There is a loud booming sound that comes from across the room followed by the sound of stone grating on stone. The stone gateway that once appeared to be carved into the rock is revealed to be an ornate metal gate as the stone behind it slides away. Beyond the gate there appears to be a long marble walkway leading through a rich garden to the distant towers of a palatial fortress or castle. An imposing figure tosses open the gate with a powerful push from both hands and strides forward. He has long flowing hair, which seems to scintillate between black and white, a shimmering fountain falling about his shoulders as he moves. He is dressed in what appears to be archaic and ornate black leather and metal armor with sweeping pointed shoulder plates. Hints of white and silver provide a decorative accent and trim to his armor. A flowing dark cloak trails in his wake, barely concealing the hilts of the two swords strapped round him. The sound of his knee high boots echo on the stone floor in the silence of shock that has filled the room. The features of his face hold a hint of androgyny and a similarity to those seated at the table. His eyes burn with intensity and his gaze can only be described as haughty with a hint of scorn. He takes a seat at the chair closest to him assuming a very casually relaxed and confident slouch which he holds with a regal authority that the others seem to lack. “Ah gentlemen. Conveniently convening without me.” The Gamer, Grad Student and Male shift nervously in their seats. “I see we have guests and so perhaps introductions are in order. You might call me one of the inner voices, one of the imaginal others, a voice from the other side. I’m known as Gabriel and I’m here to speak for all the others of his psyche. You might think that makes this crazier than this already is. I frankly do not care. I’m here to tell another tale, a tale that needs telling. Welcome guests. Now I think we are ready start this conversation.” The Gamer: My story as a gamer begins with a solitary childhood of vivid imagination and a life-long interest in fantasy and science fiction tales, knights, unicorns, creatures, and castles.

Gabriel: Be honest. You were a shy kid with few friends who preferred by far to play alone quietly in the imaginary worlds of your own imagination. We were there with you and if you think carefully you can recall us. You came to the imaginal world seeking solace, control and a way to both make sense of and escape the chaos of the world that brewed around you. The Male: I guess I felt that chaos as confusion. While I identify myself as male, that identity has never felt fixed or solid. It was a sense of being masculine and yet always on the periphery near the feminine; open, looking, curious, able to enter the space of the feminine but always feeling like a stranger there, unclear and uncertain of the terrain. In my social circles I was often closer to females than males. I was very close to my female cousins as a child and was interested in their many connections to the arts, particularly music and dance. I was also more interested in solitary imaginary play than the active rambunctious play of boys. Picked last or left out in many of the boys’ games, I found some peace and acceptance in talking and playing with the girls. I learned how to move among the world of girls slightly better than the worlds of boys. I remained somewhat isolated but happily so, exploring imaginary worlds in books and in my own mind, but the fantasy, so ubiquitously presented in every direction, was always the quest of the masculine hero, charging out to combat evil, save the damsel in distress, sweep her off to happily ever after. Gabriel: Our worlds gave you a safe haven. We kept you safe from all you feared, allowed you to feel more powerful, more in control and to begin to re-imagine a better world, a better life. You sometimes shared these worlds with others, but you kept them safely guarded. You knew in your heart all the oppressions of the “real world” and you felt them daily, especially the oppression of imagination and the pressure to do what was expected. They weighed heavy on your young heart. You knew how valuable this imaginal world was and guarded it as sacred treasure. Reading, movies, and pure imagination, opened wider the spaces here and out there, enriched them both, and in doing so fed and nourished both yourself and us. You were learning to live in both worlds, learning to imagine and create in the space where the boundaries of both worlds were not so solid, not so overwhelming, not so certain.

The Grad Student: I hear what sounds like a lot of talk of liminality. I too feel that in my position as a psychology graduate student. Philosophically, I am sensitive to psychology, particularly clinical psychology as a liminal discipline. In some ways that is part of its appeal, but it also makes it very difficult for me to have devoted a significant portion of my life to the indoctrination into this discipline that seems increasingly torn and yet fighting to rigidly define and ally itself with singular perspectives, such as the medical model. Such a direction would eradicate the very limnality that makes psychology such an important and influential area of study and an interest to me. That’s also why I keep looking to other disciplines for direction and guidance. Furthermore, in my training I have seen how the roles of clinician, theorist, teacher, and researcher all seemingly blur, mix and interpenetrate each other along with all the other roles in my life. Though it may be easier to think of myself as able to leave one of those roles out, or to set aside the mantle of psychologist in daily life, the truth is that it forces me to live in the in-between, always attentive to which aspect is dominant or dormant and how that affects what I do. My theoretical orientation has also been constructed out of encounter with several different approaches and remains continually open to the encounter, translation and assimilation or accommodation to other theories. While I identify primarily with archetypal psychology, which is generally fringe to the “mainstream” of psychology itself, I also find some of my grounding in humanistic, existential, family systems, and interpersonal theories. My re-encounter with feminist theories and exploration of multicultural theory has opened up spaces between these and my main focus of archetypal theory as well. The structure of my theoretical orientation is perhaps not so much a clearly defined statement as it is another liminal space between theories. While it is centered closer to archetypal theory, I must continue to learn to exist in-between… The Gamer: I thought this is about gaming. Can we please get back to that? Thanks. As I was about to say, it was around 1981 when a childhood friend who remembered my interests in things fantasy, invited me over one day and introduced me to the Dungeons and Dragons® game. Though my first character, the unoriginally named Thor, was magically blinded on his first quest, I was hooked. From that day on my imagination was captured by the way I could now play out and create the worlds, creatures, adventures and stories that I had previously only read about or watched on TV or in movies. Gaming became

my primary hobby. I couldn’t get enough. I immersed myself in the rules, supplements, materials, and published scenarios. I began running some of the games, creating my own scenarios and even my own fantasy worlds for the game. The more immersed in the game I became, the more I voraciously devoured fantasy and sci-fi literature, mythology, religion, history, geography, geology, architecture and occult topics for more information and ideas to add depth, detail, and subtlety to our games. I spent a lot of time at the library after school anyway so it was easy. Gaming became a regular part of my weekend, especially in marathon sleepover gaming sessions. Through gaming I was also made some new friends. Gabriel: Ah yes, gaming. Amazing! You had found a set of rules, a structure, a way to share those imaginal places and at the same time connect with people. It was a way to come out of your shell; to enact the sense of understanding and control you had learned in our world to interact with the growing complexity of what you called the “real world.” Gaming was a space where our world and that “real” one could co-exist for you, intermingle, and expand the boundaries, enriching and transforming both. But you didn’t quite know that then. You had entered the space between pure imagination and the world you called home. You could intuitively sense it and you knew it was always in jeopardy, but again you kept it safe among the kindred souls of your gaming groups. The Male: As gaming took up more time and interest, my distance from typical boy activities like sports widened, but I found like-minded male friends especially through gaming and found some time and interest for some of those “boy” things as well. Baseball in the field, toilet papering houses, building snow forts, king of the hill on the snowbanks that lined the parking lot, kickball on the playground, wrestling matches, and exploring the storm sewers and creeks that wound through the neighborhood were all part of the adventurous world of adolescent boys. Among gamers my preference for gaming was never judged, but among the other boys, I largely remained the last picked for most things. It was only on the soccer field, playing defense, that I found a way to channel that testosterone in competitive contests and earn my place among the boys with some daring, courage, and tenacity. The Gamer: I really wanted to share my hobby and fascination with others so eventually I introduced my friends at school to gaming, thus forming the core of one of my long-time

gaming groups. This brought new challenges as we were stigmatized as “weird” and “nerds” by most of our peers, particularly female classmates. That stigma haunted us throughout the years. Many people preferred to judge us rather than try to understand our hobby. Even those who took the time to listen called us “strange” or “bizarre” and ridiculed us. Not to mention the judgments we faced in a Christian elementary school and high school. School authorities frowned on our interests. At times they confiscated our materials, sometimes claiming they were distracting to our schoolwork or that the dice were used in gambling, sometimes alluding to charges of Satanism. This only fueled the stigma. Mass media accounts of gamers losing touch with reality, killing themselves or others, and links to the occult were all over the place and were used to justify the taking our things. None of these accusations were true to our experience and our books were always returned; but the message was clear that they did not approve of our hobby. Gabriel: Your mother helped you protect your interest in gaming though you never really talked to her about your hobby. She supported your outrage when she heard about them taking your things. She had always encouraged creativity, imagination and provided the time, space, opportunity, and materials for that imaginal space of gaming. Dad just ignored it or tried to drag you into the “real world” chiding you to stop wasting time and effort on “that stuff.” “Do your homework! Quit wasting money on that! Don’t you have something better to do?!” You avoided him and that oppression as best you could. The Male: Both my parents worked hard to provide for our family. I was always closer to my working mother growing up. Maybe it was because Dad worked second shift some times, maybe because he was out hunting and fishing on weekends. Maybe it was because he and I just didn’t know how to connect. Mom taught me by her example the strengths and weaknesses of nurturing, caring, tolerance, patience, gentleness, dreaming, creativity, passivity, and sadness. I think eventually the support that came from Mom allowed me to feel more comfortable integrating the influences she had upon me. It took a lot more to accept what I got from Dad. With time and struggle, in my own relationships, through involvement in the men’s movement, therapy, and personal reflection, I have blended what I learned from Mom with the strengths and weaknesses of independence, action, practicality, strength, caution, anger, and silent endurance that I learned in conflict and relationship with Dad.

The Gamer: You know, you are right. One of the strongest supports for my interest came from Mom. She seemed to wonder about my preoccupation with it, but she never really asked too much. She knew from our hoots, hollers, laughter and excitement that we were having fun and we did our best to explain it. Though she never seemed to understand our games, she knew we were safe, having fun, and clearly learning from our experiences and reading. She supported us against the accusations made by school and media stories. Besides she provided snacks, dinner, and a place for the group to play even into the early hours of the morning, not to mention handouts for a jobless young adolescent to keep buying the newest game releases. The Grad Student: Noting the links between the feminine and the imaginal, I find it interesting that my mother, the primary feminine influence in my life, served as protector, defender, and supporter as well as provider of the material support to my engagement in this imaginal endeavor. The Gamer: Hmm. That is interesting. You know that while gaming took time away from other adolescent activities, like sports, television and hanging out in malls, I never noticed what I wasn’t missing. I had found a group of people with similar interests and we loved what we did. I found a place where I fit in. I was a gamer. While we knew and recognized ourselves as “different,” I slowly began to take on that image as “different,” “weird” or “bizarre” and to enjoy the space it afforded me; a space to imagine, to create, to dream, and to revel in the fantasy worlds that were my passion. I accepted my place on the fringe of the adolescent social world and over time began to celebrate it. The stigma remained even in college where the campus gaming group masqueraded under the title of Strategic Gaming Society to avoid any unwanted negative attention. I found most gamers downplayed their interest when meeting new people. To this day the stigma lurks and gamers are often careful not to reveal our interests except to those we may perceive as like-minded. I joke sometimes about being able to sense when someone is a gamer like some people joke about having “gay-dar.” Gabriel: Sad how you are always hiding your relationship to us. It is a sad world in which you live. Fortunately, with your mother’s blessing you continued on into the gaming space, learning to live in both worlds. It was a place to explore and play with who you were and who you would like to be, in ways the “real world” wouldn’t allow. Whether it involved

magic, heroics, journeying, exploring, or even your initial attempts to understand or connect with women, it was a way to make sense of it all, to explore, to challenge the status quo, to envision something different and get closer to a vision of life that sometimes felt more real than the soul grinding, bleeding place you called reality. The Male: I feel I need to say something about those initial attempts to understand and connect with women and how being “different” also kept others at a distance and kept me safe. Being able and somewhat comfortable moving between the masculine and feminine social worlds, I held a valuable position serving as intermediary, mediator, advisor, and counselor in the gender gap of early adolescent heterosexual dating. While this was one of the sources of the beginning of my interest in psychology, individually connecting with girls was always a challenge. On that individual level, I just didn’t feel comfortable, confident or desirable. Celebrating an identity as “different” sure didn’t help. I was terribly afraid of rejection but I could always escape through fantasy. I wanted a real connection, real intimacy. That gamer stigma became most painfully clear with the beginnings of early dating attempts. The Gamer: What could I do? If I’m going to be judged for what I love, I may as well love what I do. The Male: But it only led to more isolation and it didn’t help get closer to figuring out who I was as a man. When I tried to engage the girls around me in dating relationships, the pain of being in the in-between of gender relations struck. The echo of “you are such a good friend” stings bittersweet, hearing the sincerity but recognizing it also meant I was never a good enough friend to be “boyfriend.” How could I get to be desirable and be accepted as more than just a friend? The guys around me had lots of advice and bravado but I didn’t know whether to believe it or how to square it with what my heart felt. I think I gave up for a while on being in between. I distinctly recall a close female friend once telling me that while at times I was so “not a guy” there were times when I was just “such a guy.” In some ways it was about aligning myself with the values I learned from mom, in opposition to dad and traditional masculinity, or turning to the gender values of the culture that I learned from my father at the expense of real connection. For many years my friendships and dating relationships with women were confused and complicated by my efforts to resolve that duality. I kept jumping from one side to the

other in a randomly chaotic bounce from sensitive, caring, romantic hero to macho hypersexualized dominator, with little ability or insight to center and hold the tension of remaining in the in-between. The Gamer: You know that entire social struggle had an effect on our gaming too. As the group grew older and our obligations, duties, and interests in the opposite sex grew, gaming sessions grew less frequent, but our involvement through generating and sharing ideas was just as vital and fervent. We tried different games and expanded our collection of gaming materials as our incomes expanded. Separated more by college, adult responsibilities, and jobs, gaming remained a way to maintain our friendships. It was our glue. We gathered to play whenever possible. But if I wanted to keep gaming, I had to expand my social horizons. I joined a gaming group at college and started attending gaming conventions. Gabriel: See, you needed us just as much as your friends out there. You needed that connection to the imagination. The Gamer: Life changes kept coming, and it felt as if our game time was slipping away. But as we grew older the flavor of our gaming shifted. Even though we had less time to game, the scope of our games became bigger, richer and more involved as our characters became more complex, their interactions more intricate, and their place in the fantasy world more established. Our collection of tales and shared history grew in both length and depth. Over the years we shifted away from hack-n-slash, treasure grabbing, conquer and destroy, get rich and powerful style often referred to as “power gaming,” to a style emphasizing character development and interaction. We got into our character roles more deeply. We were better able to separate our extensive knowledge and interaction as players, from the knowledge and interaction as characters. We began to define and negotiate our goals as players and characters to get what we wanted out of the game. There are probably a lot of subtle reasons why these things changed. One was boredom with the “power gaming” attitude and its lack of challenges. Another was just growing up and becoming more interested in the subtleties of interpersonal interaction, politics and intrigue. Interestingly our change reflected a general trend in the gaming industry as the rules and supplements began to show a similar shift. Notably, that shift also seems to coincide with the slowly growing presence of women in gaming.

The Grad Student: It’s not surprising given developmental theory that in late adolescence and early adulthood our gaming style changed. Our cognitive capabilities and our goals were changing. We were able to more fully take on the perspective of others and to see ourselves as part of a larger social world. That would have been in the late 80’s and early 90’s when gaming as a culture was moving into its late adolescence and adulthood as well. Fascinating parallel process, don’t you think? Gabriel: That’s really a very quaint and tidy explanation, however I see it a bit differently. Think hard and you can see in the characters you played the echoes, shadows and nuances of we who have always been here with you. Gaming served as a playground for us, a place we could contact the real world where imagination was typically not welcome. We hoped that perhaps we could influence that “real world” and make it more habitable for imagination. Over time you slowly forgot us, and the time you spent in our world became more time to master the tasks of the “real world.” We were for its sake. It was no longer for ours. But the connection remained and the door was still open. We are patient. We waited and hoped you would remember. The Gamer: We were making more room for you. My gaming world was expanding. I was involved in more and different games. I even started gaming with women at a gaming group at college. Gabriel: That just created one more distraction and one more opportunity for the real world to distract from ours. The Gamer: Perhaps you’re right. Though our group had never excluded women from joining us, we never extended an invitation. I guess it was because of the negative reactions we had received from females about our interest in the past. The Male: Fear of rejection. Why would I want to be reminded of that when I was trying to have fun? The Gamer: You know now that I think about it the women at the college group had become involved through dating male members of the club. Those two women seemed to hold a “protected” role by virtue of their dating relationship, and this seemed to limit their full participation in the group. They often did not know the rules or make much of an effort to learn them, did not bring their own materials and relied on others to supply them with the necessary information and material. Though there were some instances of flirting,

sexual innuendo, and other sexualized relations that complicated the social relations of the group these seemed to be limited by the social conventions of dating. The Grad Student: Sounds like patriarchy in action. Limiting their participation. Showing off the trophy woman to all the jealous boys. Playing dumb to maintain the status quo. The Gamer: Despite those first two experiences with women in gaming, I came to appreciate the presence of women. I noticed the increasing numbers of women attending and then participating at gaming conventions. While this also seemed to be generated by men bringing their dating/marriage partners to conventions, more women seemed to be attending and participating on their own. I thought that was pretty cool. The Male: And you were hoping to meet someone of the opposite sex who might accept you. The Gamer: Maybe so. Is that so wrong? Refreshingly, I found that interactions with female players at convention games, where often players have no prior social connection, showed less of these dating social dynamics that were at the college group. When I had the chance to game with some great women players and game masters, I felt they brought a sort of nuance and subtlety to the characters they played and the games they ran that were often lacking from male counterparts. The Grad Student: Lots of theory to support the idea of women being more narratively and relationally oriented. It would make sense they would bring that to their games. The Gamer: Despite my positive reaction the gender dynamics at conventions often showed many subtle and blatant negative interactions such as sexual innuendo, harassment, criticism and ostracizing. Many would blame this on the “lack of social skills” but there always seemed to be something more pervasive and powerful about the way these men and boys, often stigmatized and rejected by larger society, showed a lack of awareness of the stereotyping and stigmatizing they were perpetrating on the women around them. The Grad Student: In masculine dominating hierarchical cultures, the oppressed typically need someone of lower status to oppress. It makes perfect sense to me. The Gamer: There were rude comments, men rushing to go see the chain mail bikinis, extensive lines of guys at a convention booth just because an attractive saleswoman was there, and a sort of hedging competition to try to talk to, impress, and maybe even have a post-game conversation or dinner with the only girl at the game table. It all kind of bugged me a bit. Even though I know I implicitly participated in much of this behavior, I

found the presence of women refreshing to the gaming culture and tried to welcome them. The Male: I was conflicted. Having girls around the gaming table really shook things up. Now rather than just focusing on the game with the guys, all those heterosexual dating troubles and gender issues were brought right into the heart of guydom. Do I have to watch my language? Can I make a dirty joke or will it offend someone? Is she dating him or are they just friends? Is she flirting with me? Is she just playing her character flirting with mine or is she using her character to flirt with my character as a way to flirt with me? Or maybe she is just friendly? Am I flirting with her, just being friendly and trying to help her learn the game, playing my character flirting with hers, or trying not to flirt with her but doing so anyway through my character? Does it all have to be so complicated? It’s no wonder I preferred playing with the same old guys from school. The Gamer: But I did think women could really add something different to the game. I really did want them there for the perspective they brought to gaming. Let’s not forget we did let my brother’s girlfriend play with us. It also made sense since she was around all the time anyway and that went well. The Male: Think about it. You “let her play.” You worked her in the game through her character being in an arranged marriage with your brother’s character. Then the character got pregnant and so you used morning sickness as an excuse for why the character wasn’t present when the player couldn’t make it to the game. The Grad Student: Not exactly a model of feminist idealism. The Gamer: Well if I was so confused about women, why was I was one of the first of my gaming groups to experiment with playing female characters, even before there were many women in games? I took a lot of crap from my group for that but I took the risk. I found it an interesting way to create some challenges in the interaction of our games and for my growing role-playing skills. The Male: Maybe it was a way to bring in some feminine energy, controlled and masculinized, that we didn’t have with our all male group before we overcame our reluctance and “allowed” the presence of a real woman. The Gamer: Maybe it was a way to try to understand women better.

The Male: Maybe it was purely fantasy escapism. My female characters were often based on idealized versions of women in my life. We never developed the character relationships beyond the camaraderie of an adventuring/mercenary group. The Gamer: Maybe that’s because at the time my role-playing skills weren’t good enough. The Male: Nor was my own comfort with my self and sexuality well enough developed to simulate a more intimate “in-character” relationship of any sort when the players involved were both heterosexual males. Gabriel: No need to get testy. Playing female characters was just the safest way to rethink what it meant to be a man in a world filled with homophobia, hatred, danger and anger. It gave you a way to make sense of that growing feminine sense in you, that part that always felt right near the feminine but never able to be in that space. You always sensed the link between the feminine and imagination but didn’t really connect them until now. Gaming was a safe place to allow that feminine to grow, to heal. But it was also the safest way to connect with women, for in the real world you neither understood nor successfully related to them. In some ways that exploration helped you to learn to relate to women, mostly as friends, but it didn’t help you figure out how to relate intimately to them. You were still too caught up in your confusing and problematic masculine heroic fantasy. The Male: I did start to work my way out of that confining definition of what it was to be male and gaming was involved in even that. My encounter and then friendship with some gay, lesbian and bi-sexual gamers was part of beginning to move out of those rigid stereotyped poles of masculinity that I kept bouncing back and forth between. Their presence and support in my life gave me the space and presented the challenge to explore my own sense of sexuality and form a more open view on sexuality. Seeing them exist, live and love in a very different sexual space was a vibrant example of living in the in-between spaces of male/female, masculine/feminine and challenged the very structure of those categories for me. It helped me to rethink how I could be a man, not be confined by that definition, and begin to construct my own gender identity; one that could be comfortable saying a man was attractive, that could be not only tolerant but embracing of the rich diversity of ways to define gender and sexuality, and one that could begin to interact with a woman without sexualizing the interaction.

The Gamer: As I did become more skilled at role-playing and more comfortable with my own sexuality, I did make some attempts to engage in more complicated “in-character” relations but even these were often very stereotypical and idealized. I have to agree that these characters may also have been attempts to find, engage, and understand variations of the feminine in my life in ways that I was perhaps less successful in encountering with the women in my life. The Male: See that was the problem, I kept running back to my fantasy of women rather than opening myself to encountering them as real persons. When I did try to relate to real women, I ended up living a fantasy, denying the women I knew their own power, identity, and direction. I kept trying to confine them to the categories and fantasies that I had created of them. Some of that was part of that ever present and limited view of man as conqueror, savior, and hero. Some of it was regressive and infantile desire to find safety and succor in a merge with the all powerful and consuming mother goddess. Some of that was out of fear, that ever present fear of rejection should I actually open myself to true encounter with a real woman. Gabriel: Indeed, we provided you with a way to connect with the feminine through imagination, idealized though it was. Yet, as you built a relationship to the idealized feminine you repeatedly forgot it would be here for you. You continually left to find it in the “real world.” The Male, The Gamer: But I needed some thing real. Gabriel: You abandoned us and betrayed psyche, seeking an idealized feminine that never could have walked the “real” earth. You never really understood that what you sought there was already here with you. The feminine wasn’t out there for you to touch, grab, and envelop yourself within. While you found pieces, fragments, broken mirrors upon which you cut your fingers, you had not realized it was always present and available to you and might help you to truly connect with yourself and with women. The Male: I was really struggling to find a way to be a man and to really find that connection with a real woman. I was still trying to find a way to be a man that was sensitive, caring, loving, sensual, yet active, lively, powerful, and attractive. I never quite felt confident. That specter of rejection was always presumed. Whether it was dancing or being a good listener, or taking charge, I just wanted to find a way to be wanted. I was trying to

emerge from definitions of maleness that demanded sexualizing the relationship with little awareness of the fact that I was doing it. Always the bounce between oppressive macho male who could disconnect in an instant when things got too threatening, or the passivity of giving in completely to be consumed by the relationship to the sacrifice of myself, my feelings, my identity. I leaned often toward the latter only to angrily jump back into the former when the answer wasn’t there. Gabriel: Your relationships with real women were always threatened by chasing glimpses of the ideal in a new woman you met, in a picture, or in sensual activities that helped you feel in touch with the feminine in you. How could a woman ever feel she was important to you, that you were relating to her, when you were still questing, still seeking, still roaming and seeking a fantastical version of the ideal and still unaware that you were? Mostly you found pain and grief and we hoped it would awaken you or at least call you to seek solace back in the nurturing world of the imagination and gaming. The Gamer: Enough with the old heartaches. Can we get back to games, please? The Grad Student: But we need to pay attention to all of this. It is all very relevant to the project. The Gamer: When I got to graduate school, I sought out the gamers on campus, at the Strategy Gaming Club, and began to game as regularly as I could, forming some good friendships outside the circle of my graduate school peers. Our ongoing group made a very conscious effort to include women in our games and had a few regular female players. Inclusion of these new female gamers challenged us to tailor our games to include the intrigue, politics, and character relations and development that these women said they enjoyed about gaming. The Male: Don’t forget it was also a more comfortable way to meet, get to know and interact with women; one’s who might be interested in me if they were interested in gaming. Being out on my own the first time is lonely and I still wasn’t very confident. It’s hard to just go up and talk to someone cold with all the pressure, the societal expectations, the fear of failure and rejection. Gaming was a foot in the door. The Gamer: Sure it was lonely, but it wasn’t all about gaming and trying to find a date. Entering graduate school made both dating and gaming difficult. It definitely caused my identity as a gamer to begin to feel like it was slipping away.

The Grad Student: My position as a psychologist in training also has a large effect not only on my identity as a gamer but on many other aspects of identity as well. This process has forced me to have to come to terms with a liminal identity in many ways. The Gamer: I tried to help by finding some common ground. Lack of time was my biggest gaming problem. Deciding to do research on gaming was a reasonable compromise. It allowed me to stay close to my long time hobby. I can’t thank my fellow student enough for suggesting it. The Grad Student: I don’t know quite how to express what a strain this all is to hold these liminal positions in the world every day. My identity as a researcher is certainly liminal from the mold of traditional clinical psychological researcher. From my first graduate research methods class I was questioning the paradigms of psychological research and the epistemologies upon which they were based. In part this came from my background in philosophy and English which I believe may be more appropriate models for understanding human experience than those practices based on the natural sciences which psychology adopted to gain recognition as a science. But it also came from the personal belief that no number or equation could ever capture the complexity of any person. While some may have seen my move toward qualitative methodologies as a way to avoid numbers and statistics, it was more to express and explore topics that interested me in ways that would do them justice. My explorations of qualitative methods really began with my involvement in the department’s qualitative research interest group. My interests in qualitative methods flourished as I proceeded on my thesis about gaming. Studying gaming, a topic that many would see as irrelevant or unimportant, has been a challenge in itself, especially trying to connect it to clinical psychology. That further contributed to my liminal relation to clinical psychology. But I have continued to try to find a middle ground, to explore the challenges that qualitative inquiry has laid for understanding human experience and the paths it is opening for new methods of inquiry and presentation. It is with some fear and caution from the pulls toward the more traditional models that I am taking this step into the unknown. The Male: All that academic pressure initially was only made more challenging by the loneliness of disconnection. Not having someone to share your heart with. Heartsick loneliness only added to the strain.

The Grad Student: I needed to find some balance. The conflict of personal and professional goals has just been one facet. In some ways the overall struggle with the all liminal aspects of my identity contributed to my interest in Jungian and later archetypal theory as well as Taoist philosophy, as I sought ways to balance the many contradictions I was trying to contain. My attempts to engage with gender issues were also a challenge. My early attempts to engage with feminist theory in graduate school left me feeling defensive, bitter, and as if I didn’t quite get it. Yet I was still interested and tried to find some way to make sense of the ways that I did understand it. I remained a peripheral and non-active member of the feminist research interest group in our department, hesitant to both become involved and to disengage from it. The Male: Looking back I can see that it was more of that masculine ego trip, going out to conquer these ideas and try to understand and assimilate them and then hesitantly pulling back out of instinct that this was the wrong approach. The Gamer: I thought that maybe if I gamed, I’d feel more like myself. I even ran a game briefly over a few months, struggling to balance my studies with my engrossment in the game. Sadly, the group slowly dissolved as people moved on to graduate school or jobs elsewhere. With the end of the group and decreasing free time, I became even less involved in gaming. Gabriel: And even more disconnected from your creativity and imagination. The Grad Student: The increasing time demands, the uneasy feeling of distance created by “studying” gaming, and the demands of professional roles certainly continued to erode my connection to my identity as a gamer. The Gamer: I tried to satisfy my “gaming” interests through computer and on-line gaming. Though it has helped some, the desire to game with a group remains a constant hunger and the sense of myself as gamer feels like it continues to be systematically dismantled by the professional roles I am training to enter. The Grad Student: Rather than an open overlapping space between The Gamer and myself, I often feel as though there is a precariously bridged chasm. Continually I cross the bridge between gamer and psychologist in training. Standing on the gaming side I see studying gaming as a way to stay close to gaming, “legitimize” my experience to the world and I consider how I might use it to support and advocate for the gaming community. When

standing on the psychology side I see how studying gaming may be applicable to understanding self in the post-modern Internet world and may be utilized to help us ease our current ills, particularly in our disconnection from the imaginal engagement with the world. I feel the precarious swaying of the bridge as I turn back and forth in this liminal space. The Gamer: I have great fear of my identity as gamer being dissolved into psychologist. I fear that my passion and interest in gaming will be co-opted by the professional psychologist and its modern normalizing utilitarian culture- that the knowledge generated will only serve to kill the imagination that gaming has fueled and kept alive in me for so long. I will burn the bridge before that ever fully happens but there is fear that it may already be too late. The Male: My identity itself was eroding with the pressures and still seeking that feminine essence to ground myself and balance it all it out. I had found a true love but the same conflicts remained. Gabriel: Call it luck. Call it fate. Call it destiny. Call it divine intervention. The threat of losing yet another wonderful relationship woke you up to turn the search for the feminine inward once again, to balance your soul, and learn how to reconnect. Perhaps because she came to you in dreams, you still sought the one figure, the idealized singular feminine figure that would forever make it all right. You finally came to realize she was “here,” that she was your life energy, your passion, and that you needed connection to her to survive the “real” world. Yet you deluded yourself into thinking I had imprisoned her. You came to me all full of bluster and heroism, action and attitude, things you learned in the “real world.” You demanded that I release her from captivity so that you could use that passion to live in the “real world.” The Male, The Gamer, The Grad Student: Yeah I did. I was dying in that world. What else could I do? The Gamer: I needed a good adventure, something to get the creative juices going. The Grad Student: I needed to find that balance and grounding or I was never going to move forward. I had worked to hard to lose it all. The Male: I had to find that way to reconnect or risk losing the one true love I had found.

Gabriel: With a mocking laugh and sneer I told you that to find “her” you had to know me, and to know me you needed to spend time in this world getting reacquainted with all of its inhabitants, all the other characters, all the other figures who’ve always been with you. You took that to heart. Finally after a moment of silence you saw through the ruse. The Male: I finally realized that there is no singular feminine figure, no one creature of beauty, benevolence, passion and light. She takes many forms. The Gamer, The Grad Student: I realized that by spending time here in this imaginal space and again learning to live and honor both worlds that I had found “her.” “She” is psyche. “She” is the very ground of both worlds, its very essence and being. Gabriel: I am here as steward, here to watch over the others of this imaginal world. I am as much a part of its ground as any of them. The more you can know their ways of being, their relationship to each other and to the ground upon which they walk, the air they breathe, the nourishment that sustains them, then the more you will experience “her” presence, not just here, but in both worlds. You were right about that masculine hero’s journey. You sacrificed your relationship with us to find her out there, to go out seeking that which would complete you. A heroic fool’s journey but one that brings you back to that which has always been here, hopefully with a different perspective. Here you had learned your lessons well to enter the “real world,” to challenge, to re-vision, to break things up, to realize that boundaries are shifting not impermeable, but you had not learned quite how to live in both worlds. You needed time there to learn its lessons but it is easy to be distracted by its illusions and see them as really “real” and forget the world that is imagination. You needed to return here and you needed time to learn to see both worlds consciously. The Male: Continual practice of Tai Chi, reflection, and therapy, as well as a stable, supportive, relationship have certainly played an important part of gaining my sense of balance in knowing who I am as a man and relating to both men and women. The Gamer: Making even a little time for gaming, whether through reading books, participating in online communities, playing computer games, or painting miniatures helps to keep the connection open. The Grad Student: Clinical work was another crucial factor in learning to balance and live with the tension of limnality. Doing therapy has taught me how to maintain my presence

in the liminal space that is the therapeutic relationship. Working with female clients forced me to reflect upon the role of gender in our relationship and how my own experience and struggles with such issues as independence, relationships, and power were similar and yet different. Further reading on multicultural and feminist theories prompted further reflection. I was finally able to theoretically and to some extent personally grasp the ideas they presented and begin to identify myself somewhat with these theories. This enriched my thinking clinically, academically and personally, particularly as I began to contrast these with more masculine models of self and began to integrate them with archetypal theory. Preparation for this project led me to more feminist and feminist archetypal theorists that have continued to enrich my understanding of the female experience. The Male: I have been more able to see through the fantasy of the masculine heroic ego, as well as how I may continue to stand in the in-between space that is my gender identity. Doing so has offered me much greater freedom and has allowed me to enter and form connections with women and allow myself to be in connection with them as full persons. It also provided stable security for my relationship turning into a loving marriage. The Gamer, The Grad Student, The Male: I sense that my experience with gaming holds the key to much of this transformation. The creation, maintenance, and growing sense of relationship between imaginal and world that playing within the multiple frames of gaming has taught me is crucial to my ability to exist in the many liminal spaces in which I find myself as gamer, male, clinician, psychologist, researcher among many others. The Grad Student: Things still remained difficult in getting this project moving forward. The demands of internship, of job search, and working full time often left me lost in those tasks. The Male: Nurturing my marriage is also important to me. The Gamer: Perhaps we needed to use some of our time for game related activities in order to have the energy for all of those things. The Grad Student: Good point. I did get a lot of work done on this project, despite limited free time, when we were playing in a game every few weeks. My reflections on that game kept me thinking and moving forward on this project.

The Gamer: Being around game related stuff helps too. Sometimes just painting a miniature or participating in a gaming email list keeps me feeling fresh and connected. Obviously there is too much out there to keep up on it all, but by staying in tune with those parts of gaming that are most interesting to me, I feel more alive. The Grad Student: I think the lesson here, which also comes from gaming, is that the proper approach for me to this endeavor is neither work, nor study, but the play that many have forgotten and yet long for; imaginal play in a liminal space of creativity, exploration, learning, knowing, and transforming. In some ways this study is a way to begin to further bridge the chasm between us, to create and learn to exist in the in-between and find a better way for all the aspects of myself to relate to each other and the imaginal others, without losing any, and perhaps transforming them all. Gabriel: Ah yes! Now, we still have so much more to teach you that will allow you to take your boundary shifting, your vision, your imagination, creativity, and passion out into that “real world” in a way that both will be transformed. Here you learn to imagine, create, shift boundaries, and be through play and relation. There you learn to act, to “just do it.” Both lessons are necessary for the transformation. Imagination without action will change nothing, but action without imagination never really changes the limits and boundaries, that seem so “real” and confine the world. You now must learn to live consciously in both worlds. You fear so much that you will sell us out that you almost did that by forgetting us. We are not so weak as to allow you that kind of control. We’ve been running the show from behind the scenes for a long time. We’ll be around when you need us. Now it is time for us to work together. You’ve come into your space in the inner council. Welcome. Now let’s begin. There is much to be done. On with the project! With a sweep of his hand the room goes dark. It’s that same deep darkness as before though it is now filled with a sense of hope and determination, of energy, passion, and direction. There seems to be just a speck of light, or perhaps an afterimage flash just ahead. We slowly carefully measure our steps, treading toward it, watching it grow larger. It seems we are in a long tunnel cave. “Right this way,” says The Guide, suddenly appearing again at our right, “ the journey continues.” We keep moving forward toward the light.

Chapter 3: Method in the Madness

Emerging from the cave, we enter just above a lush and lively valley. One can see far ahead on the peaks in the distance huge edifices lining the valley, hanging and shadowing it like guardian sentinels. Some are made of gray block concrete, some of red brick, and others of glass and steel. Airy spires, that glimmer frosty like the cloudy wisps they pierce, mount all these buildings. Smoke churns from their bowels and light glints from the spyglasses of their crenellated cannonade walls, menacing each other as much as the valley below. Fluttering wings drift and dive across the valley, seemingly messengers from one bastion to the other, while hard- driven cartloads of crates crawl up the few rough roads from the valley floor. Lines of pilgrims make the slow walk up to be counted and categorized. Rousing horns and the clamor of dogs echo from one of the hunting parties that sally forth or return. Moving into the valley we spy ahead a cobbled construction of a castle or manor, entirely blocking the way beyond. It seems to be a hodgepodge of materials assembled with the whim of a distracted artist, from rough-hewn stone to brick to wooden slats, logs, and even wattle and daub. The roof ranges from ornate gothic towers to straw strewn peaks. Despite its ramshackle leanings, it sits in the narrow heart of the valley with a primordial solidity that suggests its foundations run deeper than the depths of the rocks on which it stands. “Seems there is no way to go but in from here.” The Guide shrugs his shoulders and treads forward. “I’ve not seen The Methodologist in quite some time.” Entering the humble wooden door, left slightly ajar, one is struck by the eclectic diversity of a library turned museum turned workshop. There is an earthy scent to the air, though not unpleasant or damp. We move through the place toward the sounds and pulse of life within. We pass piles of objects and tables of abandoned projects, covered with opened books and scrawling notes, parts, and pens. Here or there stands an easel or drafting table spattered with colors and half finished visions. These lost works are interjected with art and statuary from parts known and unknown as well as lush plants and flowers that stand in defiance to their homes amid these manmade creations. Greek, Roman, and tribal gods dance with DVD’s on shelves between ancient classic tomes, scrolls, and computer disks both large and small. Biographies and references rub elbows with multi-volume Principia texts, stacks of comics, and dog-eared paperbacks of romance, science fiction, and self-help books. Swords frame the faces of tribal masks and artifacts unknown. The agelessness of this place and its contents is marked by the

sound of clocks both massive and diminutive, each telling a different moment as passed. Far above winged angels, and paintings gaze down while the floor occasionally scurries with the sounds that slip away across the mosaic of designs both tiled and scratched into its surfaces. The Guide leads to a central cavernous room lit by a rounded wall of leaded glass to the opposite of our entry. The collections are denser here, bleeding into one another. The tables of projects seem more active and merged. You can almost trace the shimmering trail of ideas from one to the other. The shelves are fuller, tomes spilling their pages open. You can almost hear the authors leaning and conversing with each other. A collection of scopes stands sentinel in one corner, a bank of blinking lights from televisions and computer terminals in another, tied by cables to stacks of recording devices. Several barrels hold yards and yards of measuring sticks of all kinds. In the center of this vast array, almost as if its very existence depended on it, stands a person. The person is of indeterminate age and gender positioned in absolute attuned centeredness; the type of person who exudes the very spirit of lived life through the sparkle and glint of eyes that glow with honed attention from a wizened aged face. The figure’s stance makes no apologies for its surroundings simultaneously justifying them while lending a hint of illumination along with a mask of uncertainty. The voice that emerges only serves to deepen the mystery and sense of presence and grounding. “Welcome. I am The Methodologist. Your journey has led you away from the towers and into the valley, as did mine. I am so glad to have left behind their rigidity and distance for the energy and multiplicity of life in the valley. I am glad you have come here to equip and prepare for your trip. I have many of the same tools to offer but perhaps you can learn to use them in a different way.” ______The challenge in selecting and developing a methodology is to find one that best suits what is being studied. Numerous attempts to study role-playing games have tried to understand gaming, its cultures, and participants using the tools of traditional psychological inquiry, namely distributing questionnaires or psychological measures of personality, thought process, or behavior and comparing results with “normals” (Abyeta & Forest, 1991; Carroll & Carolin, 1989; Carter & Lester, 1998; DeRenard & Kline, 1990; Douse &McManus, 1993; Rosenthal, Soper, Folse & Whipple, 1998; Simon, 1987, 1998). Some have tried to show the benefits of gaming and measure its effects by showing how games can be used positively in treatment

settings or how they can serve as treatment (Blackmon, 1994; Hughes, 1998; Zayas & Lewis, 1986) thereby missing the draw of these games for the majority of their players. The more culturally minded have focused on examining the cultural and media influences that lead to the stigmatization of games (Cardwell, 1994; Lancaster, 1994; Martin & Fine, 1991; Sutton, 1984; Toles-Patkin, 1986; Wiseman & Stackpole, 1991) refuting what gaming is not and what it does not cause or promote, rather than on elaborating an understanding of these games or their players. The ethnographic approach has indeed been fruitful in examining gaming products or the culture of their communities (Fine, 1983; Myers, 1992) to develop a generalized perspective on gaming and its players. However, the continuing need for distancing of the observer in traditional ethnography seems to miss in presentation the depth of the experience of actually playing and participating in this subculture and its imaginative, playful interactions. All of these objective, functional, and analytical approaches seem to lose the passion, vitality and lively sense of play, interaction, and fun that are central to these games. Miller (1970) identifies the origin of this challenge by examining how the very foundations of western metaphysics create a distinction between reality and the play. He explicates that in Platonism the world of play is viewed as secondary and inferior to a real reality that we must somehow work to discover or reveal. Such a foundation ignores that we are already in the midst of reality and that once we see play as preparing us for the “game of life” we begin a serious but ultimately fruitless attempt to recreate the childhood play in order to transcend the competitive nature of play. Such a quest becomes fruitless for, …the more serious one is about trying, the more he inadvertently reinstates the seriousness which he desires to transcend…Adult consciousness- that is, the self- consciousness or ego centeredness or rationality or volition- succeeds only in killing play, repressing it, forgetting it further, or turning life into a mere game (p. 125-126). ______The playroom sadly is full of broken toys. Deflated bobo dolls pierced by pencils limply wobble amid a sea of checklists and questionnaires and unwinding videotapes. The lively color of children’s paintings marred by circles and numbers that mark them with some unknown code. Dusty dollhouses filled with dissected dollies and amputated action figures crumble with disuse. All the toy guns are broken as are the tea sets, toy trains, and easy bake ovens. Board games lay trampled underfoot, their multicolored pieces scattered with dice, spinners, timers, cards, and

rulebooks across the room with the stuffing of various unstuffed animals. The Guide shakes his head, “Seems there isn’t much here for us.” ______Clearly the need to balance theory and analysis, with the phenomenology of the playful experience creates one crucial methodological challenge facing anyone who studies games and play (Elkind, 1991). Mackay (2001) tries to shift out of all of these limiting perspectives by framing role-playing games as a performance art and bringing the analysis of performance and aesthetics to his exploration of gaming. Mackay is able to deftly explicate gaming and connect it to the larger cultural, formal, social and aesthetic structure of gaming to begin to develop a body of criticism, theory, and analysis of gaming. His identification of the multiple dimensions to these games demonstrates the additional methodological challenge of encompassing the scope and appreciation for the complexity of intersecting dimensions involved in understanding role- playing games. However, his use of philosophical and analytical language and concepts and his focus on critical analysis evokes the sense of seriousness that Miller (1970) warns of, losing the essence of play, despite the author’s obvious experiences in gaming. Mackay’s (2001) articulation is invaluable to those with both a familiarity with critical performance theory and to gaming, but would likely be lost on other readers. My intention to examine the experiences of women, and the relationship between character and self further complicates the difficulty of studying these games. Attempting to document and explore the previously unexamined experiences of women in role-playing games individually and within the context of the gaming and larger cultures, requires a method that must be able to merge and negotiate multiple perspectives of cultural analysis of gaming, gender, and theory of self, without losing that sense of creativity and playfulness. One must also be attentive to audience, desiring to not only be scholarly but also accessible to those about whom I am writing. When talking about culture, one also cannot ignore the place of the researcher in the study. This pushed me to identify those aspects of myself as researcher and the backgrounds and theoretical perspectives that come with each of those aspects to be incorporated into the study. From that revelation, documented in Chapter 2: The Inward Journey, several theoretical approaches positioned my place in this project and both theoretically and methodologically seemed best suited to my approach to this study.

A critical feminist cultural studies approach would help to identify and then situate the experiences of women in gaming as a subculture and their relationships to that subculture and the larger culture. Glesne (1999) characterizes critical ethnography as focusing on marginal groups and attempting to understand and describe the experiences, consciousness, and cultural context of people living in unequal power relations with the intent to not only understand but to transform them. Similarly, feminist ethnography focuses on uncovering and understanding issues of justice and power as well as the forces that cause and sustain oppression with the intention of transforming those relationships. Feminist ethnographers focus on the role of power and relationship at both the societal as well as the personal level; attentive to the way such dynamics occur in the research context. They also utilize reflexivity to monitor and reflect upon both subjectivity and intersubjectivity and are attentive to the way these influence the meaning created. An archetypal psychology approach also seemed key for the necessary appreciation of the mythical and imaginative contents of these games and the way players value and interact with these contents to co-create and interact in the narratives of the game. The key to this is to “stick to the image,” (Hillman, 1977) trusting its autonomy and with a playful imaginal awareness and a constant reflexivity about my own relationship to the images and the encounter. Furthermore, the work of Watkins (1976, 1986, 2000) regarding the relational nature of self with imaginal others served as a useful frame for exploring the intersection of players and their characters. Both critical feminist and archetypal perspectives support an attunement to the multiplicity of images that present themselves in encounter with gaming culture and the participants in the study. They also lend themselves to an openness and dedication to multiplicity and the personal and cultural dynamics of relationship, dialogue, power, and oppression. Both of these perspectives supported an attention to those images that are presented and represented, those that arise from the process of encounter, as well as those that seem hidden, obscured, or repressed. These perspectives fostered attention to the potentials and possibilities for transformation and calls for action that emerge from the encounter. They also challenged me to find a way to avoid the traps by which traditional social science methods and analysis have lost or killed the sense of play at the heart of these games. ______

The Methodologist nods, “Sad is it, the way play lets gets lost. Perhaps its time to stop bringing the play in and take yourself to the play.” The Methodologist gestures toward a door into the valley and in a motherly tone says, “Why don’t you go out and play for a while.” ______It was with these theoretical grounding positions in mind that I developed the encounters that formed the methods of this study. I turned to qualitative methods for ideals on how to best structure the procedures and methods of the encounters. Creswell (1998) notes eight verification procedures to help develop the trustworthiness of a qualitative study. These include prolonged engagement and persistent observation, triangulating several methods of data-collection and perspectives, using peer review and debriefing, consciously searching for negative cases and disconfirming evidence, clarifying one’s research bias, member checking, developing rich, thick, descriptions, and lastly, the use of external audit of the research process. Drawing on these qualitative methods and ideals, I sought to design a mix of encounters that would help me to address the culture of gaming, the history, and position of women in it, while exploring the relationship between self and character for women in gaming. I would find that all along I struggled with how then to merge these multiple methods into some sort of presentation that would capture the complexity, the sense of play, and spirit of the multiplicity of perspectives, images, and encounters that flowed from the encounters. Points of Encounter Participant Observation. The first point of encounter was through participant observation. I cannot ignore my past and my current continued participation in gaming and the access, experiences, and lenses which that provides me. Using my past and continuing experience with gaming, gaming groups and conventions, I remain a participant and observer of gaming and its culture, the images, experiences, interactions and roles of women in gaming. In silent observation, informal discussion, gaming, participation in list-serve and news group discussions, attending gaming conventions, and gaming groups, I continue to experience and observe the contexts of gaming including the positions, roles, and interactions of women in gaming. In a critical feminist and archetypal spirit, I strive to remain attentive to both the relatively static (such as artwork, t-shirts, gaming materials, rulebooks, supplements, and advertisements) as well as the dynamic, living images of women in those contexts as well as people’s reactions to and interaction with them. I strive to be attentive to my relationship to the

games and people involved in the study, dynamics of power, dialogue and relationship, and remained open to the multiplicity of perspectives. I also worked to remain reflexive about these experiences, documenting these encounters in a research journal kept throughout the process of the project. This journal included my reflections on current and past encounters. In total this encounter serves as both the lenses through which I see and the basis for the creation of imaginal gendered perspectives on the context of the gaming subculture, its history, and the place of women in it. An Insiders’ Perspective. I also wanted to garner perspectives on women in gaming and the history of women in gaming from those who create, design, promote, live, and work in the gaming industry. I began by sending out an invitation email (Appendix B) to numerous gaming companies and retailers, both large and small (Appendix A) inviting both males and females who have worked in the gaming industry to participate in structured interviews through email, focusing on the history and place of women in gaming over time and attentive to the images of women in gaming from their perspectives. The invitation further asked whether they know of others who might be interested and if so to forward the invitation on to them. Fifteen professionals responded and filled out informed consent forms (Appendix C). Some provided me with contact information for others they thought would be interested. Many of these professionals began the interview process (Appendix D), but due to deadlines or other time conflicts were unable to complete more than one or two exchanges. Others simply stopped responding even when friendly inquiries were made about their interest in continuing participation. Seven of these professionals gave many hours to the process of writing back and forth via email on the structured interview questions and five completed the interviews to the point where we both felt the interview was complete. Particular attention was paid to the stories of the men and women who lived through the history of the gaming industry, the mutual influence between the gaming subculture and the industry, and the way that games are presented, marketed, and sold. I also documented my reflections on these encounters in my research journal. As with the participant observation encounter, this information provided perspectives on the context of the gaming subculture, its history, and the place of women in it. Internet Questionnaire. The third form of encounter was in some ways the least direct and personal. Due to the lack of research on women in gaming in general, and the little up to date information on the gaming subculture as a whole, it seemed necessary to gather some basic

information about these things. I wanted to reach a large number of gamers from across gaming culture both to gather information about gamers in general and specifically about female gamers. Several reasons informed my use of an Internet based questionnaire. Initially it seemed like an excellent way to reach a wide spectrum of the gaming community with ease and reduce the cost in time and effort needed with traditional pencil and paper questionnaires administered in person or through postal mail. To maximize response rates I wanted to have a large population with which to start. I also was hoping that by encouraging potential participants to send the invitation on to other gamers that I could create a sort of snowball sampling effect, particularly in light of the potentially smaller number of female gamers. This choice of an Internet based questionnaire also seemed ideal in regard to the gaming community based on market research data (Dancey, 2000) that suggests that many gamers have regular access to an Internet connected computer and spend time online playing Internet games. Additionally, my own experiences online showed that many gamers participate in the larger gaming subculture through online communities both based on email lists and website communities. The sheer amount of discussion and interaction in just a small number of popular online communities suggested that I could reach a potentially large population who devote considerable time to discussing gaming. My decision is further supported by recent research by Gosling, Vazire, Srivastava and John (2004) which indicates that despite initial concerns about using the Internet for questionnaire research, Internet samples are relatively diverse with respect to gender, socioeconomic status, geographic region and age and that concerns about repeat participants can be minimized through procedural designs and checks. I sent out an invitation email or community posting (Appendix F) to a number of gaming lists that I was already a participant in, as well as a wide number of online communities including general gaming sites and those devoted to particular games or genres (Appendix E). In an attempt to garner as many female gamers as I could, I made sure to send the invitation to online communities devoted to the subject of women in gaming. To reduce confusion between those involved in computer role-playing games and traditional tabletop role-playing games, I avoided posting at sites devoted primarily to computer role-playing games. I also sent the invitation to some gaming retail outlets with online contact information, asking them to post the invitation on their community boards in the store in an attempt to access those who may not participate in online gaming sites or communities. I was hoping as well that the snowball effect

would have those gamers who participated spread the word to other gamers they might know. The invitation provided a brief description and the information on where to find to the Internet questionnaire. On the website, participants were provided an overview of the study and a statement of informed consent (Appendix G). Those participants who chose to participate could then click a link to begin the questionnaire (Appendix G). Those who chose not to participate could click a link that directed them to a popular gaming community site. Participants were provided instructions about how to complete the questionnaire as well as information on how to respond to questions they did not wish to provide answers to. Participants were instructed to click a link to submit their answers when they were completed. This link directed them to a final page where they were thanked for their participation, provided additional information about the study and how to contact the researcher, and informed to close their web browser to protect their privacy. There was also information about additional participation in the study presented for female participants who indicated interest in further participation. (Appendix G). Through this large and multifaceted structured Internet questionnaire I was able to collect a large amount of data on a wide range of topics related to gaming. I gathered basic demographic information as well as information regarding participants’ interest in gaming, number of years they have gamed, favorite games, styles of gaming, other hobbies and interests, and the connection between gaming and other interests. I asked about their involvement in the gaming subculture, the groups they have gamed with, and their experiences at conventions. I asked about their perceptions of women gamers, attitudes and opinions of women in gaming, attitudes about the images and materials of gaming in regard to sexism, and of their attitudes about the treatment of women in the gaming culture. I was also able to gather some minimal information on their experiences relating to the characters they play and the impact of that on their sense of self. Lastly, the questionnaire allowed me to identify female players who might be interested in participating in in-depth interviews about their experiences as female gamers and particularly their experiences with characters and the impact of those characters on their lives and sense of self for the final encounter of this study. In total, 428 people completed the survey, which was active from March, 26, 2003 to June 14, 2005. Of the 423 participants that indicated their gender, 318 identified as male and 105 identified as female. This surpasses estimates (Dancey, 2000) that the population of female

gamers is about 19% of the gaming population. The ages of survey respondents ranged from 18 to 69. The mean age of participants was 27.29, median age was 26, and the modal age was 18. Obviously, this is a skewed picture of the age of the total gaming subculture because participants needed to be at least 18 year of age to participate in the survey. It does however reflect trends in the gaming community because those who started gaming in adolescence during its infancy in the early 80’s, are now entering their late 20’s and thirties. Of those who indicated their ethnicity, 357 identified as Caucasian/White, 20 identified as Bi/Multi-ethnic, 9 identified as Hispanic, 7 identified as other, 4 identified as American Indian/Alaskan Native, 4 identified as Asian, 4 as Hispanic American/Latino/Latina, 2 identified as African, and 2 identified as Asian American. The majority of participants were from the United States, consisting of 324 of the 424 that indicated their locale. Another 25 marked they were from Canada, 17 marked they were from Ireland/Scotland/Great Britain, 16 indicated they were from Australia/New Zealand, 14 stated they were from Scandinavia/Norway/Finland, 11 marked Other European nation, 5 marked Central/South American, 4 indicated they were from Germany, 2 marked Spain/Portugal, 2 marked France, 2 marked Italy, 1 person indicated they were from Africa, and another 1 marked Other Asian nation. The information from these questionnaires was primarily analyzed to provide a snapshot of the gaming subculture and the attitudes toward and place of women in it, focusing particularly on issues of sexism. It also provided a sketch of the women involved in gaming and their experiences as women in gaming. This provided additional perspectives of the current and past context of women involved in gaming and began to broadly document the images and experiences of women involved in gaming from a variety of perspectives. Data from the questionnaire are incorporated in Chapter 4: In the Eyes of the Beholder, while more detailed information about the questionnaire and its analysis is contained in Appendix H and Tables 1 - 17. In-Depth Interviews. The goal of the final and most complex encounters was to engage in a series of in-depth interviews with female gamers. To truly facilitate the process of encounter with multiplicity of these participants and their images, the encounter consisted of three series of interviews, one series with the player, one interacting with each participant in role as one of their characters, and then a final series reflecting on the experience of the two previous interviews, the process, and the themes that were discussed. The on-going nature of these interviews was

intended to allow for the development of a trusting, collaborative, research context. By establishing an on-going contact with these participants, I hoped to develop a trusting relationship for disclosure (Mishler, 1986), that would allow participants, as Miller suggests “to represent her or his own experience in a relationship, to act in a way which is congruent with an ‘inner truth’ and with the context, and to respond to and encourage authenticity in the other person” (Jordan, 1997). I also hoped that it would also avoid the flat surface of the “press release” (Wiersma, 1988) and allow us to engage in a deepening, reflexive, imaginal dialogue with the multiplicity of these participants and the images present in the encounter. These interviews were conducted via email or utilizing on-line chat software depending on availability, accessibility, and convenience for the participant. I chose this technology for several reasons. The first was purely practical in that it would reduce the cost, time, and effort of arranging face-to-face or phone interviews, as well as transcription. It would also provide documents that will allow for the possibility of multiple levels of analysis in future study. The second reason involved utilizing the relative anonymity and lessened inhibition of online contact and the potential for the development of an on-going dialogue to help to facilitate this unique process of this encounter and allow for continued reflexivity. Hine (2000) notes that while the anonymity of online communication can foster disinhibited behavior, it can also create equality of participation. Furthermore, the disinhibited behavior can be moderated by the context of the computer-mediated communication to develop a sense of trust and authenticity (p. 14-17, 119) as well as community. Throughout the interview process, I continued to dialogue with the participants openly about the emerging themes of the study and their experiences, thoughts, and emotions throughout their participation to encourage reflexivity, collaboration, co-creation, and depth of dialogue and encounter. The last reason was more ideological and theoretical. The Internet can be seen as a sort of liminal or liminoid space, not quite here or there, a paradoxical space of being between the “real world” and an imaginal one. While she doesn’t specifically use those words, Markham’s (1998) notes the ways that participants in online spaces imagine them as places and as ways of being, distinct from their embodied spaces in which they can explore new ways of being. My hope was that by using online technology for the interviews, my participants and I would be creating a sort of imaginal space, like that of the games, in which our encounter could transpire. The second interviews explicitly were designed in this way, by evoking the imaginary game-like space of The Crossroads Inn as a place for the character to

meet the interviewer and be interviewed. I hoped this would provide a playful, open, imaginal space for dialogue that would honor both the “real” and the imaginal aspects of their experience in a mode that is somewhat familiar to them. I hoped it would also provide a richer context for exploring the potential of mutually transformative relationship to the imaginal, the relation of self to character, and of ego to imaginal “other,” how those relationships are developed, evolve, and maintained and the influence that has for these women. The first interview series (Appendix K) focused on the players’ experiences with gaming focused on expanding and deepening the information and images gained from their questionnaire responses. This allowed me to expand on and explore some of the themes and images that emerge from the questionnaire and place them in a richer life context of the participant and the cultures they inhabit. The second interview series (Appendix L) was structured similarly to the first but involved an interview with the gamer from the perspective of one of their favorite characters. This interview was begun with a sort of introduction like one might use in a role-playing game to provide a setting for their character to come to be interviewed. Utilizing the ongoing theme of crossroads and knowing that many gaming adventures begin in the setting of an inn, I created the Crossroads Inn through a descriptive introduction as a place for our interview to occur. This interview approach was designed to provide a more playful, imaginal context for a unique encounter with the same material of the players’ experiences with gaming but from the imaginal perspective of one of their characters. It allowed for unique perspectives on the gaming experience and into the relationship between self and characters that likely would not be present in an interview just reflecting on such experiences with the players as themselves. I hoped that it would allow emergence of images that may not be readily present in an ego-conscious interview. It also provided an example of an imaginal dialogue that attempts to honor and give voice to the imaginal aspect of these women’s experience while exploring the multiplicity of self. The final interview series (see Appendix M) focused on explicit reflection upon the process of the first two interviews and the images, themes, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and experiences that emerged. The structure of this interview series began by focusing on specific aspects of the interview process but like all the interviews remained open to the directions and flow of the present encounter as well as those encounters that preceded. This served as a way to collaboratively engage with the participants about their own experiences that helped to co-create

representations of that experience for presentation in this study. In some ways this served as a sort of initial collaborative analysis of these encounters. By having participants reflect upon the process of the two interviews, I hoped to honor both the imaginal and ego-consciousness aspects of their experience, and engage with them in presenting a fuller, richer and deeper understanding of the development and maintenance of such imaginal relationships that further expands our understanding of the experience of gaming, women’s experience with gaming, and more generally of the psyche of women. I selected participants from those women who in the online questionnaire specifically indicated they were interested in further participation. Some general criteria guided my selection of participants. For purposes of consent, all of the participants needed to be at least 18 years of age. I chose participants who based on their survey responses were verbal, expressive and articulate about their experiences with role-playing games, as well as seemed to have some life experience to reflect upon. I selected those who had played in role-playing games for at least 3 years, and were still involved in playing. To provide some diversity of perspectives, I looked for those with some variety in their experience including when they first began playing, the importance of gaming in their lives, their self-reported depth of playing their characters, and their opinions about whether playing characters had an impact on their real lives. I also wanted to have one of them to have been a gamemaster as well, given the greater investment in time and energy to understand the game, organize it, and the position to observe the group dynamics, and play a variety of roles at different depths of involvement. I initially categorized the list of participants interested in further participation based on these criteria and with an eye toward contacting a variety of female players. I sent out invitations (Appendix I) for further participation to 19 participants. While 11 responded with interest and were sent consent forms (Appendix J), 9 returned their consent forms agreeing to participate. Eight participants began the interview process by providing answers to the first set of interview questions. Over time participants seemed to lose interest in the process and ceased responding, mostly after the first one or two interchanges. Inquiries and questions about their ongoing interest garnered polite declines or minimal or no response from most. Since the interviews began additional questionnaire responses that indicated interest in participating have been received, however as the time involved in completing these interview series became clearer, I decided not to expand the study at this time. Three participants remained heartily invested in the

process even as it became clear that the commitment of time to this project was much more than initially estimated. The use of Internet technology did serve some of the hoped for goals. Having materials already in textual form did save time and energy in terms of transcription and allowed access to a range of participants that may have been challenging and costly to contact for face-to-face interviews. The online communication forms also did facilitate an open, inviting space to freely share ideas, thoughts and experiences. Two of the participants also indicated that they enjoyed the opportunity to play their character for the prolonged and focused time of the interview. However, use of this technology also posed some significant challenges. Because of the textual nature of the interchange, time was saved in regards to transcription of the interview and ease of use of the text, however the time needed to complete the interviews was much longer than initially thought. Email interchange seemed to create difficulties because without the context of face-to-face encounter, it seemed necessary to clarify meanings and the accuracy of my assumptions and reflections on participants’ thoughts even more than usual by repeated questions and paraphrases. This is fairly typical of such computer-mediated communication (Markham, 1998). Furthermore, it was easy for the interchange to get lost in the participants’ or my own email inbox and thus there were often delays of weeks between responses, with occasional reminders necessary. Overall, what I expected to be a two or three hour time investment turned into nearly an hour or two reading and formulating or answering follow-up questions for each email exchange. Furthermore, what was expected to take one or two exchanges for each interview series required five or six back and forth exchanges for each interview, drawing out the process over months. While this certainly allowed more time for reflection and thought, it was difficult at times to keep the project focused. Online chat presented its own difficulties with the one participant that chose that mode of interaction. In addition to the need for more clarification statements as with email, the interview time was at times taken up with the process of typing. It was also often difficult to tell when the participant was done responding and so a reflection or follow-up question was already being written or sent when she was still writing or sending more of her response. I continually found myself tense with anticipation to ask the next question that I had formulated, only to find that I developed additional questions in response to the rest of her answer. I was often torn by which direction to follow. I found that like my experience with text-based online role-playing games, I

was often multi-tasking, keeping other computer connections open, surfing the web, or working on other tasks while I waited for her to type answers. This often felt necessary to reduce the tendency to jump to asking questions before she had finished her response and I had time to reflect on it in its entirety. It was an experience also noted by Markham (1998) and her participants in her study of online culture, and confirmed by my own experience as common of people who spend time online. Additionally, because of time-zone differences, work schedules, and Internet access time, it was occasionally challenging to find a mutually agreeable time for the interview and computer crashes, power failures, and intrusions by real life during interviews for both the participant and myself were also complications. Sadly, one participant declined to participate after the presentation of the second interview format, noting in addition to some time constraints, that the idea of having her character interviewed about gaming would so violate her notion of the character that she could not continue participating. This unique view of the relation of self to character will be explored further in Chapter 5: Meeting at the Crossroads. Having these encounters provided me with a wealth of information, a multiplicity of images, perspectives, reflections and directions to explore. Beginning to recognize the immensity of this was at times disheartening and overwhelming; at other times it was invigorating and distracting thinking of all the different directions that could be explored. I began to realize I had more of a research program on my hands. Yet I was still facing a crucial dilemma that I had avoided initially, how do I present this while keeping not only a critical, feminist and archetypal grounding but without losing the sense of adventure, fun, and playfulness of the games and of the encounters themselves? ______Upon my return from the valley, my backpack and journal, not to mention my head, are full to bursting with ideas, feelings and experiences I want to share. I rush through the mansion looking for someone to tell. The Methodologist, ensconced once again in the central hall, nods and smiles and then gestures down a previously unseen narrow corridor. “Time for another kind of play.” The hall is covered with mirrors, positioned in a myriad of ways, all reflecting back on my image and all I had experienced, seen, and encountered. They force me to not only see that which I had brought with me but to see myself as well from more than on position. Some mirrors seem true to form; others distorted, warped, or twisted. It is both terrifying and intense

to be placed under my own critical gaze and to try to see myself from the perspectives of my encounters. Though I want the intensity to end it also feels enriching like layers of material, texture, or flavors, building more complexity, nuance, and power and increasing the desire to share. The study is becoming a part of me as much as I am a part of it. ______Given the unique choices in terms of topic, theoretical approach, background, and qualitative method it seemed necessary to move beyond the traditional presentation of social science. I sought to find or create a language or structure by which the experience of dynamic play and the interplay of players, characters, and imaginal spaces within their subculture and the larger culture that surrounds it could be articulated and presented along with the experiences which I had in the process. The move to looking at games and the interaction between persons and their characters as a performance opened the door to a radically different epistemology and praxis. It is a position rooted in an appreciation of the impacts of a postmodern media saturated cinematic society upon both the selves of the people that inhabit it and the researcher that wishes to encounter and understand those selves. ______A light glimmers from between the partitions of a curtain at the end of the mirrored hall. We part the curtain and enter and are blinded by the footlights and spotlights. We are standing center stage. The Guide, no longer present at my side, intones from stage left “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” - William Shakespeare, As You Like It, 139 ______Denzin’s (1997, 2003) articulation of emerging qualitative methodologies served as a catalyst for the direction of this project. His more recent work moves beyond the notion of interpretive ethnography to champion a performance based social science, which seems ideally applicable to the performative nature of role-playing games where players act and interact as other characters for their own entertainment. Highlighting the dual crises of representation and legitimation in ethnography, he notes that we inhabit a “performance-based, dramaturgical culture” where “the dividing line between performer and audience blurs, and culture itself becomes a dramatic performance” (2003, p. x). In such a space everyday life is theatrical and the post-modern self lives its reflections of both everyday life and the media representations that surround us. He stresses the complexity of the performed interaction and discourse between

these multiple representations, performances, and their meanings. Following Schechner’s performance analysis, he notes that when culture, text, and performances collide, performance of identity allows people to reflexively play with identity and its behaviors, performing slightly or radically different selves in different contexts. Such behavior makes it challenging to sustain a distinction between what is and what is seen, between the real and the virtual, leaving us with appearances as actualities (2003, p. 9). He stresses that the self is its multiple performances, each grounded in narrative and interpretive practices. In such a space we can only study the performative, symbolic, and material representations of experience (2003, p. 32) because “there is no real world. There are no originals…There are only interpretations and their performances” (2003, p. 88). Drawing on the work of numerous scholars from across disciplines, Denzin (2003) further outlines the praxis of performative social science as one that sticks to the experience of life while it acknowledges and performs its values, theories, and subjectivity in its cultural critique. Rather than focus on generalizing, it is a praxis that recognizes identity as performed and that “each person is unique, a universal singular, summing up and universalizing in his or her lifetime a particular segment of human history” (p. 32). This kind of social science seeks the intersections or crossroads where biographical experiences intersect with culture, history, and social structure seeking the stories people tell to make sense of those experiences (p. 34). Denzin notes that these move beyond the voyeuristic, paternalistic, objectifying gaze toward a dialogical interaction and co-creation (p. x) of dramatic and poetic performances of the experiences of the cultures studied and the dialogical interaction between researcher and participants (p. 84). This kind of writing seeks a sort of fictional truth which is true in experience, but not necessarily true to experience…bringing audience and performers into a jointly felt and shared field of experience…the evocative moment when another’s experience comes alive for the self (p. 37). Such a text challenges notions of creating accurate, linear, cause and effect representations that explain a phenomenon or experience (p. 36). He likens performance texts to a montage in the way that they connect, merge and juxtapose material in an emotionally provoking way (p. 93). Denzin uses the work of Dillard to provide a good description of how the methods of collage and montage are used in performative writing. He notes that such narratives

create the sense that images, sounds, and understandings are blending together, overlapping, forming a composite, a new creation. The images seem to shape and define one another, and an emotional gestalt effect is produced….Points of view and style collide, switch back and forth, commingle. Now and then the writer intrudes, speaking directly to the reader…No one can say which sequence of events caused what, and the text makes no pretense about causality…Space is no longer fixed, confined to walled-in three-dimensional sites. It moves back and forth, sometimes randomly, between the public and private realms, which may be only temporary resting places. As space shifts, so too do forms of discourse, character, voice, tone, prose style, and visual imagery…Narrative collage allows the writer, interviewer, and performer to create a special world, a world made meaningful through the methods of collage and montage (p. 87-88). Denzin (2003) sees this performative writing as valuing a feminist communitarian ethic that seeks to include their participants throughout the process and find nontraditional presentational formats that allow for more active co-construction with participants as well as audience. Part of the crisis of representation and legitimation is not just how experiences are represented and legitimated but also who creates the representations and legitimizes them. By creating texts which can be performed, multiple persons can and will represent these experiences in different ways and legitimate different aspects of those experiences in the process. Such texts destabilize the authority of the researcher/author and through performance position participant/readers as the creative authority. The intention is to stimulate reflection, evoke emotion and embody the participants’ own subjectivity and relationship to the material and experiences of the other (p. 93). It also creates an experience that the audience can enter with their own perspective, subjectivity, and relationship. By doing so it moves private experience into the public sphere fostering awareness, reflection and empowered action. It empowers the represented to represent themselves in their own ways, allowing the opportunity to experience the position of the other, and allowing that empowerment to reshape the whole experience and its meaning anew. He notes that the “afterlife” of such performances remains “quietly resting in the text” even when the performance is done (p. 94). He states that such texts show how the performances of persons are shaped by their contexts seeking to balance a critique of the

repressive forces that impact their lives, a presentation of the dignity and meaning of the performances of the persons, and hope and suggestions for how things might be better (p. xi). A performative social science model seemed like a perfect fit for this project. It appeared to be an ideal way to not only hold onto the imaginative, playful, and dramatic aspects in this study, but one that would honor the theoretical positions and background that I bring to the study. It seemed a perfect way to meld my own involvement in the process with the richness of each of the multifaceted encounters of the study. It allowed for the imaginative and creative processes that are so much a part of these games and their players to be highlighted while at the same time keeping that creative spark alive in my own writing process and hopefully in the process of reading or hearing its presentation. It felt like a way to draw the reader into the culture of gaming, into the experiences of women in gaming, into the liminoid space between real and imaginal, into the relationship of self to character, and into my own perspectives as gamer, male, researcher and presenter. It also seemed a perfect way to keep the presentation of this study alive and imaginal, to make it accessible to the participants and the gaming community, and to open the door for multiple formats for presenting it to both scholarly and gaming audiences. ______The voice of The Methodologist resounds with an introduction. “Thank you for coming to this performance. We ask that you turn off all cellular phones, pagers, or other devices that may distract. What you are about to experience may disorient, confuse, and bewilder you. We hope that it will entertain, educate, and enlighten. Should you need to leave, we cannot guarantee that we will be able to hold your position. We humbly ask that you open your eyes, ears, hearts, minds, souls, and imaginations as we prepare to begin the show.” ______As with any departure from the traditional, there are risks, particularly in terms of the evaluation of the work. Utilizing the tools of traditional social science in alternative ways and creating new structures for presentation can make it difficult for the reader to know how best to judge what is presented. Hence, it becomes necessary at times to provide at least a rudimentary framework by which the work can be positioned and thus measured. Denzin (2003) distills the work of numerous scholars to develop a set of values and criteria for evaluating performative texts. Rather than the traditional criteria of validity and

generalizability, a performative social science creates texts whose interpretation possess “depth, detail, emotionality, nuance, and coherence” and that foster the development of a “critical consciousness,” (p. 112). These texts represent multiple perspectives and moralities while seeking to empower the participants, performers, and audience. Quality performative social science, (a) displays the author’s positionality (the criterion of positionality); (b) addresses the community in which the research was carried out (community); (c) engages and gives voice to silenced or marginalized persons (voice); (d) explores the author’s understandings during, before and after the research experience (critical subjectivity); and (e) demonstrates openness between researchers and participants (reciprocity) (p. 112). He stresses that such works must value not only content and theory but the aesthetic qualities of their presentation and the relationship between author and material (p. 121). Texts should be emotionally and intellectually moving, reflexive, empowering and not boring. They should engage the reader or audience and “invite them into other persons’ worlds of experience” (p. 121). Furthermore, he provides a frame for evaluating performative social science. He states that such texts should, 1. Unsettle, criticize, and challenge taken-for-granted, repressed meanings. 2. Invite moral and ethical dialogue while reflexively clarifying their own moral positions. 3. Engender resistance and offer utopian thoughts about how things can be made different. 4. Demonstrate that they care, that they are kind. 5. Show instead of tell, using the rule that less is more. 6. Exhibit interpretive sufficiency, representational adequacy, and authentic adequacy. 7. Present political, functional, collective, and committed viewpoints (p. 123). It is hoped that the audience for this work will find this framework useful in the process of evaluation and that this presentation’s efforts to embody this framework and its ideals will not be found wanting.

______

The Guide, still standing stage left, is now wearing black slacks, a black turtleneck, and a beret. He holds a sheaf of papers in his hands, he motions for me to begin and with intensity that carries his voice to my ready ears, whispers “Action!” ______

Chapter 4: In the Eyes of the Beholder There is an old cliché that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This statement could be applied in many ways to the things we notice or observe about our worlds. It is inherent to our perceptual systems that begin immediately restructuring our sensations and creating meaning from the myriad of input which they take in. Thus our explications of the things that we observe must always be attentive to the multiplicity of experiences of a multiplicity of beholders. ______Ah, did someone say Beholder. ‘Tis truly a formidable foe. Nightmarish and fearsome beast it is. It appears as a floating sphere, nearly six feet in diameter. A large bulbous and often bloodshot eye protrudes from the middle of the sphere just above an enormous maw filled with treacherously pointed teeth. Atop the sphere sprout ten hideous tentacle stalks each ending in its own piercing eye. Some of these creatures are covered in naturally armored plates; others more smooth snakelike skin and still others crustacean hides. They are known as the Eye Tyrant for each of their eyestalks can produce a magical ray of varying effects whey they use in their quest for domination. Some eyes charm the victim, some cause sleep, fear, slowness, and pain, while others turn to stone, or even disintegrate the victim of their gaze. The central eye also projects a ray that suppresses all magic within its vision. A powerful creature, they often tend to be very isolationist, living in inaccessible lairs, and seeing others of their species as inferior and needing to be eliminated. They are at times known for being hateful, aggressive and avaricious, easily attacking those with whom they come in contact. At times they will prefer to dominate others into a web of servants that do their bidding while they control their affairs from their hidden underground haunts (Cook, Tweet, and Williams, 2000). ______In the classic role-playing game of Dungeons and Dragons ®, the Beholder is one of the most well-known and fearsome foes. In some ways as I grappled with my relationship to the view of traditional science, I began to see the Beholder as an image of traditional psychological science, its methods, and practitioners. Scientists isolated in their laboratories each charming their progeny, who eventually may come back to defeat them, to carry out their wills and wage war against those whose ideas, theories, and research they see as inferior. Science aggressively uses its objective perspective and attacks the research question with a formidable set of weapons like reasoning, experimental design, statistics, and rhetoric, while suppressing all sense of

wonder and magic with the force of logical positivism. I saw it as weakening and slowing down the experiences of life to dissect and devour them, at times disintegrating with its gaze the very essence of what is to be understood. I was very aware of the ways that other research on gaming had done this very thing, eliminated the magic of the games in their attempts to study them. Yet as I thought more about this image I began to see it also as a way to subvert and critique the models of psychological science with which I was struggling. I began to see the Beholder as an image of multiplicity of method and perspective. I began to see it as a way to just as aggressively subvert the monological and voyeuristic gaze of the traditional researcher by using and presenting more than one viewpoint on the topic. To present this complicated picture of the history, place, and experiences of women in the world of role-playing games, I needed a format that would allow for the kind of presentation that lets us see things from different perspectives, that presents as well as challenges a single view, a format that takes us into the Eye of the Beholder. ______The Guide looks a bit grim. “Bold move that. Many learned ones have tried to know the Sphere of Many Eyes, to see their world and to better understand what makes them tick. Many have died trying to get inside the Eye or end up caught up in its madness. I hope you are ready for this.” ______In a move toward a performative social science, I also sought to present this section with multiple voices and views. At times this may create some confusion, disjointedness, and a sense of being lost. At times I may identify certain voices; other times they will just appear as counterpoints, harmonies, challenges, or outright attacks. I hope that my crafting of these multiple perspectives and voices will provide the reader with a sense not only of my journey as researcher, but also help the reader to experience the complexity of the gaming culture and its varied inhabitants. The Beholder also serves as a guardian for the doorway to the next stage of our journey. Much like Cerebus the three-headed dog guards the gate to Hades, the Beholder guards our gateway into the liminal space of the experience of women in gaming. We must pass through and enter its confounding maze of perspectives. By entering the eye of Beholder we are entering

these experiences, to see as they as gamers, and to move one step closer on our journey to our meeting at The Crossroads. ______The Guide smiles another wicked grin. “You can trust me. I’m The Guide. That’s what I’m here for. Just in case you get lost. Besides where’s the adventure if we don’t get sidetracked once in a while.” ______While I wanted a format that would do justice to the experience of choice and interactivity of the stories presented that is inherent in a role-playing game, this is difficult to recreate in a textual format. This chapter is divided into three distinct sections: The Eye of History, Eye Spy a Gamer Girl, and Sexism is in the Eye of the Beholder. The more adventurous reader is encouraged to choose which section most interests them and to engage each one in an order in which they feel comfortable. While it may not necessarily lead to a different ending, perhaps the path that is chosen will create a different experience for each reader. For the less bold and adventurous, the sections are self-contained and can be read sequentially. As noted in Chapter 3: Method in the Madness, the information for this study comes from a variety of sources including participant observation, my own experiences, a large Internet based questionnaire, and extensive email interviews with female gamers and with professionals working in the gaming industry. Some of the stories and experiences are composites distilled from different accounts, conversations, and encounters. Direct quotations are either kept anonymous or attributed as participants indicated in their informed consent statement. Unless otherwise noted, any statistics presented are derived from the analysis of the Internet based questionnaire. To enhance the flow of the text, the details of this questionnaire and its statistical analysis are substantively detailed for interested parties in Appendices E – H. More specific data can be found in Tables 1 - 17. The details of the interview process with gaming professionals are found in Appendices A - D while the details of the interviews with female gamers are detailed in Appendices I – M. ______The Guide smiles another knowing grin. “Some claim that the female gamer is rare and hard to find. Some claim that she is quite different and strange among the community of her fellow gamers. Where would you like to begin to encounter the female gamer and experience

their place in the world of gaming? Which of the Eyes of the Beholder do you wish to encounter first?” The Guide stretches his neck and shoulders and rubs his hands together. “It takes powerful magic to enter the many Eyes of the Beholder. But I’d rather see through their eyes than encounter one Eye to eye, if you know what I mean. You best be ready for anything. Many feel disoriented at first by the change in perspective. Some settle in, while others never quite shake that uneasy feeling.” He begins to move his hands and fingers in strange patterns and gestures. The just barely audible words of incantation merge and flow with the patterns drawn in air. You can almost see a faint trace glow about his fingers and hands and the hair on your neck stands up with a tingle of energy and excitement. There is a rushing sound as the powerful spell washes over you taking you into the Eye of the Beholder. ______The Eye of History The view seems clouded by hazy gauze almost as if peering through eyes dimmed by the passage of too many years. The focus is slow in coming. The view is that of an ornate but solemn hall. A wizened old man with a long beard dressed in what can only be described as a wizards robe covered in arcane symbols, sits upon a large wooden bench near one end of the hall, unrolling a long scroll. “I see you have come for the reading of the Myth of the Ancient Days of the Role-playing Game. Let me then begin.” ______In the beginning came the games of war. When settled, the warrior men still found themselves thinking of their glories of war. While at rest, they sought amusement and invented games by which they could relive the battles and conquests and challenge their minds to further victory. First came the Asian warrior kings invention of Wei Chi (game of encirclement) thousands of years ago, followed by the game of Chess whose popularity spread across the land far and wide among those who planned the conflicts of their people. Thence a mere hundred or so years ago, the learned came to the warriors, and said, “We can teach you a new way of understanding war. Through careful observation, we can give you the power to create success again and again. We can teach you to use Science.” The learned ones said that by carefully crafting games, the warriors could test their ideas without loss of life and learn the best ways to

wage war. Thus was created the war game. In the land of Prussia the warriors used it to train their officers, generals, and men (Hsu, 1989). Upon a table of sand they created the lands upon which they would battle. Each general would submit his orders to the judge who would determine the outcome according to the strictures of Science. Then came forth the die, acting as the fickle hand of fate that often plagues such conflicts (Fine, 1983). In the year of 1915, the one named Wells, known for his visions of the future, brought the game of war from the military to the parlors of the people. Using tiny metal figures of men he created “Little Wars.” The armchair generals, scholars of history, and aficionados of war rejoiced and more such games began. But the plague of real war twice tore the world asunder and not until the dust had settled would the games of war return to their glory among the common man. In the year of 1953, a game was made and sold which sparked the furor of the game players once more to relive and replay the battles of history past. In just shy a score of years beyond the second Great War, the maker of these games was lauded with the honor of being fourth among all makers of games for adults (Fine, 1983). In the next decade the selling of such games increased by 800 fold (Fannon, 1999, p. 119). But the players began to grumble, “Why must we play again the same wars of the past?” They began to lament that they could not be the generals of old, merely pretend to control such armies as a puppet master from above. They longed for fantasy. They cried out for the goblins and wizards of Tolkien’s worlds. It was time for a change. (Fine, 1983). In the great northlands arose Dave I whose quest was to please his players once more. From his imagination came a game of many factions, each with its own goal. The game was on, the plotting of the groups began and the rules were stretched to the point of breaking. Dave I was dismayed, but the players rejoiced, clamoring for more. When Dave I, left upon a long journey he proclaimed to Dave II, “Carry on what I have begun.” Dave II did so in many different ways in many different lands of his imagining, including the mystical land of Blackmoor but lacking rules and making false judgments brought the dismay of the players (Fannon, 1999). Thence it was that Dave II heard tell of The Great Gygax, far to the south, creating the Tome of Chainmail for medieval combat games. Through missives they shared ideas and The Great Gygax began to write the Second Tome of Chainmail, devoted to games of fantasy. Dave I returned from lands afar and was amazed. Dave II and The Players then mused about keeping

their pieces beyond each game and seeking out adventures beneath the lands of Blackmoor, carefully mapping the descriptions of their journeys. Thus it was that the “character” and “dungeon” were born. The Daves wondered at how far they had come from the wargames of old. This was something new and as yet unnamed (Fannon, 1999). It was but a year later that Dave II and The Great Gygax met upon the fields of GenCon IV. Their minds and hearts were united to create “The Fantasy Game.” The Great Gygax sought out gold and brought forth his company TSR Hobbies, Inc. It was only a short time later, having found sufficient wealth, that in the year 1974 The Great Gygax produced the mighty tome of all gaming tomes, Dungeons & Dragons®, the first role-playing game (Fannon, 1999). The role- playing game was born. All of these new ways were met with grumbling from some of the older wargamers. “What is this new game? What happened to our good old ways?” Because these folk echoed the voices of the general Napoleon’s older troops of yore that grumbled about everything, these players were named Grognards. Despite the rumblings of the Grognards, others were enticed by this new game and many spent much coin. Thus ends the myth of the ancient of days. ______The Guide raises his eyebrows with a hint of a question. “Bet you are thinking ‘If this is a view of the history of women in gaming, why has there been no mention of them at all. He must have gotten the incantation wrong.’” “True enough, the tales of the ancient days of the origins of role-playing make no note of women. Much as mention of women was largely absent from the tales of fields of battle, they were absent from the early beginnings of those who played wargames. Some would say that those were dark times. Others might note it was a time of joy for the men were left to their own devices as it had always been. Some ‘proper’ young ladies of the early times (when wargames first started becoming popular) were probably as interested in wargames as their male counterparts, but social mores likely prohibited them from participating very often. Sadly, the impact of this trend would be felt well into the early days of the RPG hobby, which was almost exclusively male in its makeup (Fannon, 1999, p. 117). Yet we might also read this moment of the beginning of role-playing games as the beginning of women in gaming. The imagination and the relational, long linked with the

feminine and both oppressed (Bolen, 1984; Goldenberg, 1979; Gomes & Kanner, 1995; Huber, 1999; Lauter & Rupprecht, 1985; Leonard, 1993; Lichtman, 1991; Roszak, T., 1995; Woodman, 1992), burst open the drying husk of the war game in an explosion of imagination and relationship. I see this moment, when the increasing aestheticization of the war gaming narrative finally culminated in the development of the role-playing game performance form, as a reaction to the poverty of the imagination that emptied the architecture of everyday life of any meaning and the scarcity of vision that burdens contemporary philosophy and literature (Mackay, p.153). Surely, wargamers relate to their armies, but in a functional and objectifying way, as tools to their conquest for this game session. By creating an ongoing world of adventure, the role-playing game challenges the endless repetition of battles between hoards of warriors, with little or no reason or meaning behind the conflict and little lasting impact of the actions and interactions between the armies. Furthermore, the role-playing game creates a more personal and relational interaction between player and character and between the characters and the fantasy world around them. The character is the player’s personal connection to the game world and the players’ ongoing interactions with each other in that fantasy world. Let us continue on with the history.” The Guide gestures for us to turn left. Before us is a large screen. With a gesture of his hand, it flickers to life with a hum. Images of different games and gamers flit by with a rousing soundtrack and that well-known documentary voiceover to tell the tale highlight the action. ______Those gaming professionals who trace the lineage of the role-playing game from its first generation of Dungeons and Dragons® on to the current days, identify three generations of the evolution of gaming before 1980. The first generation was Dungeons and Dragons®. The Second Generation, spawned in the first few years, looked to imitate the first generation by developing both simpler or more complex rules and structures. The Third Generation, arising in the late 1970’s, reached beyond medieval fantasy to new worlds and genres, including more realms of fantasy, science fiction, comic hero, horror, westerns, and spies. These games focused on developing those settings in rich detail. In the first few years of the 80’s, Generation Four

brought forth still more varied genres as well new kinds of rules systems, unlike any seen before (Fannon, 1999). The older wargamers were slowly being overtaken by the new hobby and it is estimated that by 1979 there were over 500,000 role-playing game players (Fine, 1983). Many new people became gamers, “teenagers, kids, even girls!” (Fannon, 1999, p. 130). Gaming Media Voice: D&D players happily come in all shapes and sizes, and even a fair number of women are counted among those who regularly play the game - Foreword by Mike Carr (Gygax, 1978).

Gaming Media Voice: While the individual elements to attract the Female Gamer were now present in the games, literary references, getting into the role of the character and so on, the games were still mathematics and violence heavy. Two things considered to be off-putting to women and not female-friendly in any way…No woman having showed any discernable evidence of talent in either the mathematical or hurt-people area…Nonetheless a few brave women blazed a trail for those who would come later, gamely going along with the suggestions of hormonal and sexually deprived gamers; playing half-elf warrior women vixens or motherly clerics just so they could get to play in what was, even in its most primitive caveman form, a pretty enjoyable game. - The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desbourough, 2002). ______The screen pauses in freeze frame. Here’s a brief note about this book, The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desbourough, 2002). It is written as a supposedly satirical addition to one independent game company’s line of supplements that detail the culture, abilities, lifestyles and tactics of various monstrous antagonists to help players to understand the best ways to hunt and destroy them. This book highlights the ongoing mystique of the female gamer in an irreverent way that is simultaneously funny and offensive. While it does certainly poke fun at gamers in general and plays up to the stereotypes of them as socially awkward, adolescent nerds, it becomes problematic in the ways that it seems to glorify the stereotypes of the female gamer in its art and humor. Despite its disclaimers it remains sexist because, unlike their Slayer’s Guide to Rules Lawyers where both genders are equally fair game for funnies, this guide targets primarily one gender.

______A small computer on legs appears, its screen a collection of numeric digits arranged to appear as a human face. “Greetings. You may call me Numbers.” The digits on the screen blink on and off briefly, almost like a handshake. “I am here to provide the voice of the survey numbers for they too have a perspective to share and a story to tell.” Of the 105 women surveyed, 23.8% reported that their first gaming experience occurred between 1975 and 1983. This number is matched only by the number that began playing in the mid to late 1990’s (Table 1). ______Female Gamer’s Voice: I was interested in reading sci-fi fantasy, computer games and acting before I began gaming in 1979. My sister and I were invited into a group of kids who were involved in an ongoing game of pseudo- D&D. I say “pseudo” because the rules were largely optional…We only played for a short time with that group, but we continued to play among ourselves over the next couple of years. - 31-year-old who began playing in 1979

Male Gaming Professional Voice: By and large, however, the industry has been dominated by men. The market base is roughly the same as comic books and video games, which have always been skewed towards the men. There's very little money in gaming, so a large percentage of industry gets into it because they love it: in other words, they're fans. The result is a lot of men writing games for a lot of other men. Women were there, but never in particularly large amounts. - Rob, a 31-year-old gaming industry professional

Female Gaming Professional Voice: Early on there were very few women in the gaming industry, in any position. Most who came to work in the industry tended to be artists, editors, and marketing people, not designers and writers. - Liz, a 49-year-old freelance illustrator for games ______

The 5th generation of games was in many ways sparked by the popular culture world that surrounded gaming, from books, to films, to negative media attention. Worldwide, fantasy and science fiction was exploding in popular culture of all sorts. Fantasy Fandom Voice: Frodo Lives! Fantasy and science fiction literature was already intrinsically linked to the gaming hobby, but the distinctive increases in the amount of characterization and detail of setting in this literature that were to come would slowly have an impact on the world of gaming. Additionally, the popularity of fantasy and science fiction films and television that emerged in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s provided extensive cross-fertilization between role-playing games and popular culture. This also likely contributed greatly to the dramatic increase in popularity of the role- playing game (Mackay, 2001). Sci-fi Fandom Voice: Live long and prosper. Sci-fi Fandom Voice: May The Force be with you! The exaggerated mass media accounts from the early 80’s of the links between role- playing games and mental illness, suicide, and the occult also likely increased the popularity of the games as games publishers treated any attention as publicity to increase sales (Cardwell, 1994; Lancaster, 1994; Martin & Fine, 1991; Mackay 2001; Sutton, 1984; Toles-Patkin, 1986; Wiseman & Stackpole, 1991). Sadly this sort of misinformation perpetuated in those early years continues to this day. Mass Media Voice: “Utah Parents Exorcise ‘Devilish’ Game” (Ivins, 1980). “Game Cited in Youth’s Suicide” (Isikoff, 1983). “Stabbing may be linked to role-play” (Rose & Hennessey, 2001). “Fantasy Game Led to Plot to Slay N. Va. Scientist, Prosecutors Say” (Glod, 2002). “Three Killed Over Role-playing Game in Brazil” (AP, 2005). The Fifth Generation of games was clearly a product of this synergistic connection between role-playing games and popular culture. Some games began to create “universal systems” by which players could use a generic set of rules to play their games in their favorite setting. Another mark of fifth generation games is the focus on characterization and the development of rules to incorporate more depth of character (Fannon, 1996). Numbers: Of the 105 women surveyed, 16.2% report that they began gaming between 1984 and 1989 (Table 1).

The number of women involved in gaming continued to grow at a lesser pace. However, the increasing number of women involved in gaming both from a professional standpoint and as players were also significant in the shift in focus with games. Female Gaming Professional Voice: I can only speak about the women I worked with, but they tended to add a great deal more detail about social interaction between characters and expanded motivational backgrounds for characters. Plus, they added much stronger female characters to the stories, making sure that women played crucial roles in the products we published. Most importantly, they usually refused to put cheesecake art into their products whenever they could get away with it. Luckily, we worked with a lot of extremely respectful men, who noticed these things quickly and started incorporating those ideas into their work as well. As soon as there were more women around to voice their opinions, the men would adapt and incorporate these elements moving forward. - Cindi

Male Gaming Professional Voice: I think games have to have a much broader appeal than old-fashioned hack & slash dungeon crawling to really keep a female audience. Everyone likes a bit of monster-whacking, sure. But games tend to have comparatively more depth now…There is a reason behind whacking the goblin. There is a history behind the conflict, tied up with politics, alliances and relationships. The goblin was part of a covert raid that torched your village, killed your mother and stole away with your little brother. - Todd As the rules and settings of the game expanded to incorporate different styles of play, and as efforts expanded to be more inclusive of both masculine and feminine role models with richer characterization, the impression of many gamers was that more women became involved in gaming and continued these shifts. ______While many gaming professionals acknowledge making efforts to include masculine and feminine role models and examples in the book, the trends still seem to reflect larger cultural issues about gender roles and the androcentrism of a patriarchal culture. The initial trend seemed to be to create female versions of the standard male hero types, a man in women’s skin (eg. Lara Croft as the female Indiana Jones, Dana Scully of X Files as the female Sherlock Holmes).

Uniquely feminine hero/villains are still defined primarily by their sexuality as in the case of the femme fatale. Gaming professionals continue to struggle with this issue of gendered role models. When asked about uniquely feminine heroes and villains, many gaming professionals shared their uncertainty about such an idea. Some people pointed to the rise and popularity of Buffy from Josh Whedon’s television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, noting the ways that she is more collaborative in her style of leadership, able to be independent strong, active, and aggressive and yet show vulnerability and complexity in her relationships and character and express her sexuality in a way that does not exclusively define her. Perhaps it is the case that in our fantasies we have finally begun to unhook gender from our concepts of heroes/villains. Female Gaming Professional Voice: A "hero", male or female, is a character I can respect and admire. The admirable qualities might vary from individual to individual, but they might include: intelligence, physical prowess, bravery, nobility, etc…Anyway, I don't see this as a gender thing at all. - Kim We must also consider the issue of genre. There may be ways that the genres most central in role-playing games and the structures that are in place to simulate those genres create certain limitations and confines for defining the hero and villain, regardless of gender. ______The trend of women becoming more involved in gaming got a shot in the arm with the emergence and increasing popularity of the Sixth Generation of games in the very late 80’s and into the mid 90’s. These were known as “Attitude” or “Dark Games,” games. They focused heavily on story, setting and characters over game mechanics and creating a striking style, sometimes over substance. Games like Cyberpunk®, and Shadowrun® began to explore the dark future of humanity and technology, while Ars Magica® explored medieval style magics. The most popular game to emerge was Vampire: The Masquerade®, part of what would become known as the Storyteller System for the World of Darkness® by White Wolf Games. This was the first in a collection of games in which players existed in a dark version of our modern world, a world where supernatural creatures were integrally if secretively living and acting out their goals and battles behind the scenes of humanity’s struggles. Players could now play, as protagonists, the monsters and other fantastical creatures and beings that were traditionally antagonists in other games (Fannon, 1999). Many anecdotally attribute this game to bringing a large number of women into gaming.

Numbers: Of the 105 women surveyed, 20% reported that they began gaming between 1990 and 1995 (Table 1).

Male Gaming Professional Voice: But I think that in the 1990’s, in the post-Vampire world, they’ve become a much more prominent, stronger factor in the RPG industry. Vampire is widely credited as being the only game beside D&D to bring in lots of new gamers to the hobby, and many of those (in comparison to other games) are women…The most reliable statistics we have tend to indicate that approximately 20% of gamers are female, and I’d bet the industry has at least that percentage of creators if not more. - Steve Several factors seem to have merged in this particular game that may have made it the magnet for female gamers and led to the watershed rise of women in gaming, including the hip, cool, trendy marketing, their use of gender neutral language, richly complex characters and setting, the presentation of mature themes, and the central focus on relational aspects of these characters. Firstly, White Wolf was a trend setting company in more ways than one. They were one of the first companies to explicitly take a stand on the use of gender pronouns. They began actively incorporating the use of the feminine pronoun in their products, rather than using the masculine pronoun as the default and then placing a disclaimer about this in the introduction to the book. The game also highlighted an elaborate and detailed setting and background over rules and rules mechanics. Part of this emphasis was demonstrated in their selection and use of quality artwork that stressed aesthetics and mood Female Gamer’s Voice: I think the White Wolf systems are very good at presenting gender equality. The pictures of men and women both cover a range of themes; though the women may be “sexy” in one picture, farther through the book, there will be a “sexy” picture of a man. Their wording and phraseology is very neutral, alternating between the masculine and feminine pronouns. Their advertising is similar to their book art; covering a range of themes for both sexes. I have thus far been very pleased to see that there is a company out there that recognizes the importance of gender equality issues. - 24-year-old who began playing in 1995

Female Gaming Professional Voice: …the launch of Vampire: The Masquerade®, which not only changed the way people played tabletop RPGs and introduced more women to the game, but it greatly affected the way RPGs were designed after that. They certainly caused quite an upheaval at TSR, since most of our designers wanted to design storytelling type games like White Wolf, which turned out to be the opposite of what our (D&D) fans actually wanted, causing significant decrease in sales. - Cindi

Male Gamer’s Voice: White Wolf games focused on story-building with rules and mechanics added to facilitate the game, even going so far as to discuss plot, foreshadowing, and drama. This resulted in games that were stories as much as they were games. This undoubtedly served to attract gamers who were interested in games for their value as venues for story – and character-building, rather than simply as glamorized wargames. I’d be willing to wager that more women who are gamers prefer the former to the latter. - 25-year-old who began playing in 1985 The idea of playing a Vampire as a character also seemed to enhance many of the factors that were already bringing more women to gaming, including the rich complexity of character in context, a greater variety of means of conflict resolution, and a more centralized focus on the relationships of characters. Players and gamemasters were encouraged to focus more on role- playing and staying in character and less on rolling dice. This game effectively incorporated the allure and romanticism of the vampire from the gothic genre, a vein that had not yet been fully tapped by the gaming industry. Female Gaming Professional Voice: It’s the bodice buster romance novel of RPG’s - Samantha

Male Gaming Professional Voice: Playing "monsters" in RPGs has always been something of a gimmick; White Wolf made it viable and intriguing. The system facilitated a wide variety of character types who still fit the definition of a "vampire", and the setting allowed people to develop and grow their characters while still providing more visceral thrills. - Rob

Numbers: Of the 105 women surveyed, 9% indicate that Vampire: The Masquerade ® is their favorite game. This was the fourth most popular game listed. When combined with other games from White Wolf using the Storyteller® system, this total reached 19.2%. Additionally, 34% of those women surveyed indicated that they had played Vampire at least monthly for at least 6 months, making it the second most frequently played game behind Dungeons and Dragons®, and followed closely by other White Wolf games (Tables 3 and 4).

Gaming Media Voice: Taking the noble goal of ‘lets get some chicks into the hobby’ to heart, many gamers began designing more roleplaying and chick-friendly games…they returned to the type of women they knew, witches, Satanists and rock chicks…The product of this research and painstaking attention to detail was Bloodsucker: The Pretense, which is responsible for more roleplaying nookie than any other roleplaying game in existence. - The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desborough, 2002) Furthermore, within the setting these creatures wielded vast power and influence over the world of humans from behind the scenes. This allows opportunities for exploring complex and mature themes of power, gender, sexuality, oppression, religion, politics, dependency, aggression, and evil with characters who are initially limited by their human assumptions but whose essential inhumanity holds the promise of transcending traditional human limitations. A game that confronts and explores these issues more directly and honestly would be likely to appeal both as realism and a chance for escape, to those persons who are affected most by these issues. While certainly themes of violence were inherent in the genre, an immortal being may be more cautious about wanting to lose that through senseless violence. Thus vampires may seek other means of resolving conflicts, through elaborate plotting, schemes and manipulation of power, resources, and allies in the process of seeking their long-term and quite varied goals through their extended existences. This may encourage more role-playing and focus on relationships and interactions among the characters and the other facets of the game world, including the conflicts among various factions, sects, and groups. Female Gaming Professional Voice: Women are far more political and manipulative, for lack of a better word, in their approach to conflict resolution. From what I’ve seen, women enjoy a game more if they can resolve conflict through discussion, compromise,

or even trickery, rather than using weapons… Vampires focus on seduction, rather than just feeding or combat. I think women are very intrigued by the idea of a charismatic being so strong and powerful that he can make you desire him with a single look. - Cindi Another way that this game may have appealed more to the female gamer revolves around issues of gender, sexuality, and progeny. White Wolf’s use of art was typically mature, graphic, and sexualized in nature, often in ways that challenged traditional notions of sexuality. This was a contrast, at least initially, from just scantily clad fantasy artwork and the relative absence of female characters in science fiction game art. For vampires the pleasure of feeding and sharing blood transcends human forms of pleasure and intimacy including sexual pleasure and intimacy. Disconnecting pleasure from the consequences and complications of its human manifestations may have been experienced as facilitating a sexually empowering fantasy that was also infused with intimacy. Additionally, issues of family, progeny, and lineage among vampires break out of human notions of gender limitations. Vampires create progeny through draining a human being and then feeding their immortal blood to the human. While this disconnects procreation from a relational act between two beings to produce a third, it also breaks the limits of one gender solely being able to give birth and evolves it beyond heterosexist limits as well. In the world of the vampire, one’s lineage is a crucial aspect of the supernatural powers that a vampire has access to and one’s status among other vampires. This makes those relationships a central feature of the character rather than just optional background as with many other games. One’s progeny may also become a crucial part of one’s power and status in vampire society and are often part of the conflict and power struggles among vampires and their social groups. This again focuses attention on the nature and dynamics of the relationships between progeny and sires as a source of both strength and conflict in the game. Vampire: The Masquerade ® and its complementary games also evolved into a live action format in which players came to social gatherings, dressed and acting like their character. These games further highlighted the social interactions and relationships in vampire society and through simplified game systems for resolving contested actions between players kept the focus on staying in character and interacting with other characters. These live action games also brought the games out of people’s homes into nightclubs, hotels, and other public spaces. Though fantasy live action games had previously existed using various forms of foam-rubber and padded weapons for resolving combat, much as it made playing monsters viable, Vampire also

made live action gaming more attractive and accessible. As a result it attracted a different range of people, including those interested in theatre, improvisational acting, gothic subculture, and vampires in general. Gaming Media Voice: To gamers this meant two wonderful and life-changing things. Firstly, access to goth chicks, secondly a newfound sense of cool. - The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desborough, 2002) The 7th Generation of games build upon the streamlined and simplified game systems and high quality production values of the 6th Generation. We also cannot ignore the impact of the evolution of collectible card games. Though not considered a role-playing game in the strictest sense, collectible card games use the fantasy elements based on the genres of various games. These are presented on a set number of cards published and marketed much like baseball cards, some being rare and thus creating a collectible element to them. They are used in relatively quick and competitive card games that do not require as much time, reduce the cooperative social elements by being more competitive, and have limited options imposed by the cards produced and owned. Numbers: Of the 105 women surveyed, 23.8% indicated they first began playing between 1995 and 2000, a number matched only by those who began in the early years of gaming (Table 1). Several factors may have contributed to this growth. The increasing popularity of Vampire and its live action versions, the incredible popularity of collectible card games, and the increasing popularity of video and computer games, all of which likely helped gaming to gain recognition.

Female Gamer’s Voice: I became interested in Dungeons & Dragons, as well as Magic: the Gathering, [Collectible Card Game] when I was 12…However, I consistently found myself shut out from games due to the combination of my age and gender, and so, left with only my brother to play with – I tried unsuccessfully, to get my girl friends interested in both, but to no avail – so I soon quit. Later, when I was 20, while working at a comic book store, I was assigned to run the Magic: the Gathering tournaments two nights a week, I met a DM who offered to let me join one of his games after I’d recounted that story. I immediately did, and have been playing weekly ever since. - 22-year-old female who began playing in 1994

The collectible card game (CCG) changed the face of the gaming industry as well because distributors and retailers were ordering less role-playing products to make space for the increased sales of card games (Fannon, 1999). Game companies scrapped role-playing game projects as they scrambled to make their own collectible card games to cash in on this brand new and booming market. Indeed the success of Wizards of the Coast (WotC) from their card game allowed them to acquire TSR. WotC took over the production of Dungeons and Dragons®, and moved to create a complete revision of the rules, while continuing to use their financial success to acquire the latest and hottest game ideas from other fledging companies. Female Gaming Professional Voice: Wizards did not force D&D to try to become something it wasn’t or force it down the throats of the wrong target audience. We were finally able to do real market research, find out who the audience really was, and then make the products they wanted to see, which is one of the reasons 3rd Edition has been so overwhelmingly successful. - Cindi A tidal wave of collapses, take-overs, mergers and acquisitions swept through the gaming industry. This culminated in eventually WotC being bought by Hasbro, the name behind Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley, forcing the gaming industry into a much larger global corporate world than it had ever been before (Fannon, 1999). What had been a small niche industry was now being globally incorporated. Another impact on this generation of games is the evolution of computer role-playing games into online environments. The computer role-playing game emerged soon after role- playing games came on the scene. Computer role-playing games try to capture the elements of the role-playing but end up more like simulations than real role-playing games because of their lack of social interaction, solitary emphasis, and the restriction of options due to programming limits. Female Gamer’s Voice: Have been playing computer RPGs (Diablo, Baldur’s Gate 1 and 2 etc.) for many years, and I wanted to get into table-top, but (a) didn’t know anyone except for my husband who was interested and (b) setting up everything would be expensive. The game Pool of Radiance came with a module and a set of dice –everything we needed to get started. Another couple of friends saw the dice that came with and wanted to play the game that came with them. - 30-year old female that began playing in 2000

The advancements in computer technology have increased the possibilities for overcoming the limitations to role-playing. Despite its humble beginnings in primarily text based MUDs (Multi- User Dimensions or Dungeons) and MUSHes (Multi-User Shared Habitat or Hallucination), the proliferation and expansion of the Internet has changed the face of computer role-playing games. Female Gamer’s Voice: A guy friend and his friends started up a game when I was at someone’s house and made me a character and I played a bit. I wasn’t overly into it because I didn’t understand it very well and boooooored. A bit later online, a guy friend got me to check out a MUSH on one of our BBS’s. That I liked. A LOT. Laugh. I mudded/Mush’d for a while. In 1996 or so a male friend moved in with us and brought with him a huge collection of AD&D books…I trusted my friend a lot in his claim I would like it and they’d help make sure I understood it all. He encouraged me to take extra time in choosing a character name I liked, putting some thought into what I wanted my character to be like, and examining all the options for her so I would be happy. After several hrs of playing, I was irrevocably hooked. At this point I haven’t played AD&D since the friend moved back east but I still Mud daily :) - 33-year-old who began playing in 1986

Numbers: Of the 105 women surveyed, 16.2% began playing after the year 2000. The actual number is likely higher but not reflected here as we only sampled players over 18 years of age (Table 1). The development of computer role-playing games continues to surge with the technology that supports it. The increase of bandwidth, high speed connections and easy access has allowed for increasing incorporation of elaborate graphic interfaces, massive worldwide servers that allow for access to a game, anytime, anywhere as long as you have computer access, the game program, and in most cases a monthly access fee. Many gamers like that in online games they can keep gaming with friends who have moved away and that there is less preparation time or hassle arranging schedules with their group of players. By allowing the computer to handle the rules it allows greater sense of freedom and play. Many gaming companies are working to translate their games into online environments (Fannon, 1999). Gaming Media Voice: Massively Multiplayer Online Games and various other computer based elements are getting people of all sorts into roleplaying, many of them

claiming to be women from the safety of online anonymity…though they do not realise it and probably would prefer not to think that what they’re doing is in any way related to ‘Delvings and Dingoes’. - The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desborough, 2002)

Female Gaming Professional Voice: As for computer games, I’m not sure they have affected us very much yet. Most of our players do both, rather than choosing between them. I think that is because computer games haven’t reached a point where they can replicate the two main things that tabletop games offer: 1) a truly social opportunity with your friends; and 2) COMPLETE control over the story, the characters, and the environment. When they can do those things, then I think we’ll be in a lot more trouble. - Cindi While none can quite say what the future of games is, it seems likely that the 8th Generation will bring us more new innovations. The development of the Open Gaming License by WotC/Hasbro has made it possible for other companies to develop a greater diversity of content that can be used with WotC’s d20 proprietary rules system. This allows a number of individuals and companies to produce products that rely on an established market rather than trying to get players to try an entirely new game rules system. The popularization of collectible card games have also spurred the development of collectible miniatures games. Like their card counterparts, these are not role-playing games, but may either enhance or compete with role- playing games for market share. The other likely trend is the integration of computer technology and the Internet with tabletop gaming. Some companies have begun to take these steps by publishing materials for online download and facilitating online play through enhanced chat rooms (Fannon, 1999). Male Professional Gamer Voice: A lot of time spent around “wired” friends in the videogame industry, some of whom would cart around notes and game aids for RPGs on their laptop computers. The laptop made a natural GM screen, and could run music playlists, play sound effects and even roll dice. We began to tinker with a browsable application to act as a delivery system for our RPG content…We decided to begin producing small, cinematic, one-shot games predicated on disposable characters for download. Not a whole lot of publishers doing that four years ago- now that’s a growing market segment. - Todd

The vast expansion of the Internet has also served as a way for gamers to share ideas, arrange meetings, and explore many different styles of play as well as discuss issues about gaming. Websites, communities, list-serves, chat rooms, and groups abound. Another growing trend is for gamemasters to use the Internet to provide support for their ongoing game campaigns. Many will set up websites for the games which provide information about the particular details of the campaign, pictures, maps, drawings, diagrams and artwork as well as ongoing chronicles of the game campaign, often in the form of ‘Blogs. What is certain is that wherever games are going, the women, who are now a vital part of the community, are going too. ______The screen fades to black. The Guide nods in affirmation. “You have now seen through the Eye of History. Your eyes are further prepared to see what lies beyond. The choice again is yours.” He begins to move his hands and fingers in strange patterns and gestures. The just barely audible words of incantation merge and flow with the patterns drawn in air. You can almost see a faint trace glow about his fingers and hands and the hair on your neck stands up with a tingle of energy and excitement. There is a rushing sound as the powerful spell yet again washes over you. ______Eye Spy a Gamer Girl The darkness around seems absolute when a small round opening appears with The Guide’s smiling face popping through it. “Now that I have your undivided attention, whatever you do, do not blink. You may have thought with this choice that we’d be playing a friendly game of “I Spy,” trying to spot the elusive female Gamer. Wrong! My version of the game has a bit of a twist, hence the different name. As I said before, getting into the Eye of the Beholder can be tricky, dangerous, and unsettling. Rather than try to turn our eyes to spotting others, we’re going to look at the women that game through their own eyes, as well as through the eyes of those in the gaming world that do gaze upon them. I would hope you are becoming more accustomed to the shifts in perspective by now. Besides, it will continue to help get your eyes ready for the Meeting at the Crossroads. You’ll need a different way of seeing there, so this is just another step along that journey. Now that your eyes have reached their straining point, close them slowly and then open them up again just as slowly.”

______The Female Gamer is a mystery…They are largely, an unknown quantity to the vast and overwhelming majority of gamers. Those few who have encountered them over the years have been left baffled; some even psychologically damaged by the experience. The very nature of the Female Gamer may be so inhuman, so unknowable, so terrifying that it causes mental damage, hysteria and sometimes drooling. - The Slayer’s Guide to Female Gamers (Desbourough, 2000) ______GM: Hey guys, I’ve got some good news. I found another player for our game. Male Player 1: Cool. When’s he start? GM: Well, he’s not exactly a he. Male Player 2: Sweet! Is she hot? Male Player 3: More importantly is she single? Male Player 4: No way! This is my only chance to get away from the old ball and chain. Now you want me to game with one? Forget it! GM: Guys, com’on. Hear me out on this. Male Player 3: Does she know how to play or are we gonna have to explain everything? “What dice do I roll now?” “Which weapon can I use?” Male Player 4: Or even worse, “My character needs to buy a new dress for the courtly ball. So I go to the dress makers.” The whole night wasted role-playing her shopping from store to store and all that non-sense. It’s Dungeons and Dragons not Dresses and Dilettantes for fuck’s sake. Male Player 3: Though it might be kind of fun if I get to teach her. It will be like having my own henchman to control. GM: Seriously, though, I met her in class. She saw me making maps instead of taking notes and asked me if I play. She new to town and is looking for a game. She used to run a bunch of different games back home. So she knows what she’s doing. I talked with her over lunch about some of the campaigns she has run and she had a great idea for a character that would fit in with your group and with our campaign. Player 4: So she’s a control freak bitch. That’s the only kind of women that become game masters. And now she’s already taking over our game. We’ll probably have to watch our language too, I suppose. Fuck that!”

Player 3: So you ‘went to lunch’ with her, eh? She’s GM’s pet already. “Here’s a +5 sword for you and a Staff of the Magi. Any other super powerful magic items you might be wanting, Sweetie?” GM: It’s not like that. Player 2: So she’s ugly then. Player 1: Actually, I think it’s a good idea. Player 2: That’s just because you haven’t been close to a girl since your Aunt Hilda slobbered all over you at Christmas. Player 1: Shut up! What happened to your last girlfriend? Oh yeah, she dumped your sorry ass when you spent your Christmas bonus on miniatures and got her a teddy bear. Player 2: Least I had a girlfriend, ya fairy. GM: Guys, can we please get back on track. I really would like to let her at least come over to watch and meet you all, but if you really are against it, I’ll tell her no.” Player 4: She can come watch, but if she even once tries to tell me how to play, she’s done. That’s all I’m saying. Player 2: Don’t matter to me. I’ll get to see her for myself. Player 1: I think it’s a good idea. She might teach you hooligans a thing or two. Player 3: I’m fine with it. I just hope it doesn’t mess everything up. GM: Alright then, I’ll let her know. I really think that once you guys meet her, you’ll really like her. She’s really cool. Just try to give her a chance. ______I am a 31-year-old Caucasian single woman, living in the US. I have a Bachelors degree and work in the technology and related support field. I’ve been playing role-playing games since about 1980. I had an unhappy childhood because I moved often, had few social skills and ungirly interests. I enjoyed fantasy books, computer games, and games in general where the player would gradually progress upwards and become more powerful through effort and experience. I had the basic Dungeons and Dragons rules, but had trouble finding anyone to actually play with on a steady basis until college. More often I played computer games based on that rules set. Gaming got me involved in anime, online computer games, board games, miniature games, painting miniatures, and role-playing simulation and training. In addition to gaming, I

like reading, computers, watching television and movies, collecting and socializing. I also play sports, do things outdoors, skate and listen to music, though not as much as I used to. My favorite genre is horror and my favorite game is Call of Cthulu, though I have played both D and D and Gurps. I play biweekly. Most of my characters develop their own personalities over the first game session. Typically my characters have been dour combat monsters, useful in the group but not all that interesting. I also like characters that allow me to explore some aspect of my own personality, but my favorite character has little similarity to me. He is a dark elf in a party of dark elves, which in the D&D world is an evil race. Since I find playing evil tiresome, he is not, so he has to pretend to be evil so as not to be singled out. He fails to do so, often hilariously. He is a bard, a support character – his role in the group is to know a lot of stuff, to trick our enemies and to provide some magical assistance. He is basically useless in straight-up combat, so I play him as if he is always sort of apologizing for this. He also flirts outrageously with anything that will stand still for it. I didn’t intend for him to be so lecherous, he just is. When I’m in character I crack the other players up. We were fighting some undead critter and I yelled ‘Hey don’t take my soul, this booty can’t shake itself!’ and it took some time to restore order. I have no idea where this sort of thing comes from, its just part of playing a fun character. I never really know what it’s going to lead to. I have had a few negative experiences while playing. This has been a rare occurrence; when I have found males to be rude it’s generally because they are not used to having a female in their game group; they usually get over it after a session or two. These haven’t detracted from my biggest reasons for gaming, that it lets me spend time with friends and interact socially. ______I am a married 29-year-old Caucasian woman, living in the US. I have a Masters degree and work in the field of technology and related support. I had been interested in Sci-fi and fantasy books and movies and I began playing in 1997. My husband is an avid gamer. I listened to them playing and decided that their plans were terrible and that they needed help, so I joined the session and the gaming group. Since getting into gaming, I have also developed interest in comics, anime, and computer and online games. My other interests include reading, computers, listening to music, watching

television and movies and socializing, as well as following sports, though I have been doing that less often lately. I have played several different games, including Dungeons and Dragons, Palladium, Call of Cthulu, Gurps, Big Eyes Small Mouth, Everquest RPG and Chill, but my favorite remains Dungeons and Dragons. I play weekly and have been to gaming cons as well as a GM. I primarily enjoy gaming because it is a fun time interacting socially with friends where I get to use my imagination and be heroic. Gamers, with whom I have come into contact, be it at a convention or game store, are very respectful. I have a very strong preference for playing female characters and when I create a character, I pay no attention to the dice and try to focus on integrating the character with the game world. I have sometimes played characters different from myself, but my favorite character is very similar to myself. She is a druid with ratty hair and ponytails with feathers and twigs in her hair. She is good-natured but awfully feisty. The GM has created a world that has brought the character to life and I find it easy to visualize day-to-day activities with this player character. ______I am a 21-year-old Caucasian student. I live in the US with 3 other people, though I am single and unmarried. I was aware of RPG’s for several years, probably since my sophomore year in high school. I actually had played online, in a sort of free-form RPG newsboards, like the clubs they used to have on Yahoo. I did not play any classic, sit-down-at-a-table-and-roll- dice RPG. However, I did not know anyone who played, and I did not know how to go about setting up a group. I was also a little embarrassed about asking people if they played, because I did not want to be perceived as a “geek” even though I was throughout my high school career. My introduction to the game, around 2002, actually came about through two female friends who had separately gotten together and decided to start playing. My one female friend was actually trying, along with her fiancé and another male friend to set up a group. She talked to my other female friend who told her that I might be interested. Before getting into gaming I enjoyed sci-fi and fantasy both to read and in movies. I was also into comics, collectible card games, computer games, and studying. I enjoy writing fiction, particularly fantasy fiction. I use the characters from my fiction writing in my role-playing to

help me flesh them out a bit. My other hobbies include reading, watching television and movies, quilting, sewing, cooking/baking, decorative painting, and socializing. My favorite and only game I have been involved with is D&D. I have never been to a Con or run a game. I play female characters exclusively. When creating a character, I focus on creating a balance of strengths and flaws to create a realistic character. When playing a character I just try to keep in mind my character’s motivations and personality. It’s a little bit like those bracelets people wear- the one’s that say “What would Jesus do?” Only I ask myself, “What would so-and-so do think, say, feel, etc?” My favorite character is very different from me, a neutral good cleric. She was very arrogant, egotistical, and stuck-up. The attitude was partly a reflection of her own ego, as she truly did think she was smarter than everyone else. However, it was also a defense mechanism to keep others at arms length. I envisioned for her a sort of a hard background and she had a hard time getting close to people, and had something of an inferiority complex. That is, she was afraid of rejection, secretly believed she deserved to be rejected, so therefore in order to avoid rejection and the painful reminder that she was not good enough that such rejection would bring, she did not let her emotional guard down for anyone and actively worked at repelling them. She was also on her way to becoming an alcoholic. She did have some good points in that she truly did want to do the right thing. I liked this character so much because: 1) she was the first character I ever created; 2) she was complex enough to fascinate me and 3) I liked being able, after a week of being the good, helpful cashier at my part-time job, to be able to break out and be mean and rude for a little bit. For me gaming is about the fun, time with my friends, building teamwork, and socializing. I do enjoy the D&D game system as well and I like that I can use my imagination and develop characters for my writing. ______

I am a 23-year-old Hispanic woman. I have completed some college and am a self- employed business owner. I am married, with a full household, living in the US. Though I was interested in reading sci-fi/ fantasy and movies, playing card games, including collectible games, computer games, I originally had no interest in playing RPG’s. I knew about twenty people who played various types, but the only kind I had ever witnessed was

a small group of them that played live action Star Wars and Indiana Jones type games in their backyard. I remember thinking to myself that they looked ridiculous, and they were acting immature. Well, years later, I realize that I was right. I unfortunately had witnessed a group of people who played out live action in an overly dramatic and occasionally pathetic way….A couple of years ago I started dating a man who was adamant that I should ‘at least try a game’ of DnD. I finally explained what I had seen in the past, and why it was unappealing. He laughed for quite a while, and explained that was not how his games, or most games for that matter, worked. I gave it a shot right then and there. We were out having coffee, and he just started walking me through a scenario. Well, needless to say, I am hooked. I have been GM for tabletop DnD for a couple of years now, have started a site dedicated to DnD, and am an RPGA certified GM. Gaming has also gotten me more interested in sci-fi fantasy books and movies and computer games. I also enjoy reading, writing computer programs and creating websites, watching television and movies, hanging out at coffee houses, and writing my games as books. I have played D&D and a number of White Wolf games including Vampire and Werewolf. Vampire is definitely my favorite game. I prefer to play female characters but have played slightly more male characters than female. I like to focus on the personality of the character, preferring complex and realistic characters that are a part of the game world. When I play a character I become the character. I sometimes play characters different from myself and value the opportunity to do so as others always seem to notice some difference in me. My favorite character is very similar to me. She was a true rogue, forced by circumstances to leave home, but she soon began to experience the thralls of a passionate wanderlust she never knew she had. I truly was and am still able to get into her character. I took her on many journeys, with the help of my now husband who was GM at the time. She was my first character and I played her with a personality similar to my own. I like gaming for a number of reasons. It allows me to spend time with friends, socially interact, and build teamwork using a game system I like. I also like that I get to learn new things, use my imagination, and use problem solving and strategic thinking, while blowing off some steam. ______

I was really interested in gaming and I went to where the local game club played. They looked at me strange and in not so many words told me I could not play because I was a girl. I was stunned, but I’m not so easily intimidated, even at an early age. You might say I was a bit stubborn. I sat down at the table and refused to leave, even if they didn’t want to include me. They ignored me and went on with the game. But that didn’t stop me. I came back every week at the same time and sat down and stayed while they played. This went on for quite a while, until eventually they gave up and let me play. I haven’t stopped playing since. Now I organize demo games at conventions as marketing for a game company. ______The shelves of this store are filled with books and boxes all just slightly in a state of disarray. Two walls are covered with pegboards filled with plastic packs that contain little metal figurines. There are tables covered with green material and little model buildings in the back of the store. In a long glass counter are numerous brightly colored packs about the size of baseball cards. A huge clear display case stands on the counter filled with tubes of many sided dice that glitter like gems, some translucent, some opaque, some glittering and sparkling. A television set in the corner is playing a colorful Japanese anime cartoon. Three guys casually dressed and ranging in ages from late teens to middle aged stand around the counter where the burly, bearded, and bespectacled proprietor holds court next to the cash register. “So when’s that shipment supposed to be here. We all can’t wait to see the new rulebook. It’s supposed to have changed a lot of those problems with the second edition, especially the combat system.” “I’m not really sure. Distributor said today but they are notoriously late.” “We game tomorrow but we are gonna try to slowly integrate the new rules.” “I just want to see the new equipment lists.” “I heard they also got some really good art for a change.” “Yeah. It seems like ever since they got rid of the bikini barbarian artwork, the overall quality has gone down. Can’t they find any decent artists anymore?” “Yeah, but then the costs go up and your poor ass can’t afford the rulebook anymore Fryboy. What’s that beep I hear? Your fries must be ready.” “Hey it’s a job, which is something in this economy.”

“Don’t get him started on politics and the economy. We’ll never get out of here.” The door opens with a friendly jingle and in walks a woman in her mid-thirties, attractive, well dressed in a suit, looking as if she just walked out of the boardroom. All three heads snap and turn in her direction. She looks around the store, curiously. “MILF” mumbles one of the guys by the counter just under his breath. The other two smirk and nod. The proprietor gives them a stern look and the joker’s face goes blank. “What?” He shrugs his shoulders and feigns ignorance. The woman begins to wander through the store. It seems she’s not quite sure what she’s looking for but definitely inquisitively looking around. One of the other guys whispers, “Shopping for junior I bet.” They all chuckle quietly. The proprietor says sternly, “Don’t be so sure.” He addresses the woman, “Something I can help you find today?” She turns, “Yeah, the third edition rules were supposed to be out today. Did you have any in yet or did they sell out already. I heard they fixed a lot of the probability flaws in the combat system. I’ve got a game to run this weekend and with all the hype in the mags, my players are clamoring to give them a test run and tweak their characters. I figured if I came on my lunch hour I still might be able to snag a copy.” The three guys stare at each other stunned. ______I’m a 22-year-old Canadian who has completed some college and works in technology and related support. I am currently living in a domestic partnership. I began playing in 1987. I was interested in sci-fi and fantasy books, board games and academics. I was dragged to a flea market by my parents, and poking about a stall that had action figures and other interesting things I found the D&D boxed set. Being totally nutty about dragons and all scaleykind, I begged for it until my parents gave in. I vaguely recall them questioning the shop owner closely about it, but they eventually caved. I had thought it was some kind of board game where you got to play a dragon ;) but after tearing it open in the car I quickly realized I’d landed something waaay more complicated. My parents left me alone to puzzle it out, and I eventually got the idea despite Gygax’s obfuscating prose. I’ll note that me and my neighbour didn’t exactly play Dungeons and Dragon as anyone else would recognize it,

but getting two seven year old girls to sit down and fill out forms is a little difficult. I’d call it RPGs, even if it was more like pure-form make-believe. My favorite genre is fantasy and though I’ve played D&D, Vampire, Werewolf, other White Wolf games, Palladium, Gurps, Hero Games, Ars Magica and Legend of the Five Rings, my favorite game is d20 Modern. My involvement in gaming also got me into Sci-fi and fantasy movies, comics, anime, collectible card games, computer and online games, miniatures and acting. In addition to those things, I like reading and computers but seem to have less time for other things I like to do such as outdoor activities, martial arts, television, and socializing. Gaming for me is a fun escape, a chance to explore my personality, use my imagination and interact with others socially. I prefer playing male characters and most times do. My favorite character is a minotaur, male, uneducated, uncultured, and unintelligent. He was wandering, nomadic like- looking for territory to hold, and a mate to hold it with, essentially an incredibly stupid romantic, although capable of violence when needed. I like playing this character for a number of reasons. First, playing a 700-lb. carnivorous horned biped only a few steps up from an actual cow in intellect was a challenge. I enjoyed trying to think like an alien creature and I enjoyed displaying how I thought he thought through the actions of my character. Secondly, is catharsis. Nothing quite works off work-place stress like cleaving through evil cultists and rescuing villages from monsters. He is good at that. Third, I’ve had some very good, in-depth scenes with other players. Playing a monstrous character brings up social issues like intolerance that get dealt with socially instead of violently, letting me fully develop the character. On the other hand, if things degenerate to hitting people over the head, he is good at that. Lastly, he is basically a good- hearted oaf who’s strong and protective. I’m attracted to men like that in real life, which is why I chose to invest those characteristics into the character. He became a caricature of the ideal. As far as any negative experiences, I’m what some people charitably call “deliberately oblivious”; while I’ve been aware of attracting some attention every time I go into the local hobby shop, it’s never been so blatant as to make me uncomfortable. If people ever started off treating me different because I was a girl, they usually stopped when I talked to them like a guy. I spent grade school and high school knowing mostly guys who were into roleplaying games. I was socially backward. I don’t dress “girly”, and I’m usually to be found wearing either a comic-book, gaming, or heavy-metal themed t-shirt. I don’t walk “girly” and I wear glasses.

The entire effect seems to put even high-school-age gamer guys at ease; I essentially dress and act guy-like enough that they can pretend I don’t have breasts ;) ______The convention hall floor is full with row upon row of booths and the aisles are filled with gamers, dressed mostly in jeans or shorts and sporting various t-shirts from their favorite game to the favorite bands. Most are toting backpacks and swag bags. The press of bodies makes everyone seem just a little too close for comfort. The bustle and chatter of games and game talk fills the air and I catch snippets of it as I move through the crowds. Snippet 1: “Remember that time we stormed the wizards tower and your character got thrown off the roof by that push spell and you found out that ring we had found in that chest was really a Ring of Flight. That was so awesome.” Snippet 2: “I can’t believe you left your dice bag back home 5 hours away. Good thing they have lots of vendors here.” Snippet 3: “Dude, we have got to go see the chain mail booth. What is a Con without the chain mail bikini chicks?” Snippet 4: “I am totally buying that new superhero supplement. I can’t believe we already went through the five cases of Mountain Dew we brought along and it’s only the third day. I haven’t slept in like 30 hours. I’m so wired.” Snippet 5: “Did you see that chick in the pirate costume? I’d like to do a little fencing with her. I’d even let her handle my broad sword.” “You ain’t got a bodice dagger, much less a broad sword, ya twink. Besides the only one handling it in the past five years has been you.” “Ha ha, very funny. You’re one to talk.” Snippet 6: “I just don’t think that the rules are effective at simulating that kind of combat. I mean when I was studying karate, there was a lot more to those battles; strikes, blocks and feints and stuff. The rules just don’t cut it for that kind of fighting.” Snippet 7: “So anyway, my character is ready to bring down some almighty whoop ass on this giant when the DM goes, ‘Make a save roll.’ I’m like ‘why?’ He’s like ‘Cuz I said so.’ So I roll and critically miff it. The DM is like ‘Your character feels woozy and falls to the ground.’ I was out for the rest of the combat and got no experience points.”

Snippet 8: “We’ve got to get into that Vampire game tonight. The goth chicks are so hot and I heard they love to party, with anybody. Did you see that one out smoking after the hall closed last night? I love leather, lace, and velvet.” Snippet 9: “Can I borrow ten bucks? I spent almost all my money on those miniatures yesterday. I don’t know how the hell I’m getting home.” Snippet 10: “I never played in a game with a woman GM, but man, that was the best game I’ve even been in at a con or anywhere for that matter. We were all members of the council with our own secrets and agendas, trying to decide on the new leader of the city. She just had us interacting and staying in character and there were like all these alliances and political intrigue and stuff. I hardly used my dice. It was so intense trying to figure out what everyone was up to. I would totally play in one of her games again!” ______I am a 34-year-old Caucasian woman with a Master’s degree. I am working in administrative and clerical support. I live in France and have a domestic partner, though I live alone. In my early years, I had been interested in reading sci-fi and fantasy, board games and academics. After reading an article in a gaming magazine, I had the opportunity to go to Paris and buy this imitation of D&D. I then convinced my parents and sister to play. That was around 1982. We had two sessions, but I was the only one to enjoy it…There was no club in the small town I lived in and I didn’t want to master my friends too shy maybe. It was 3 years before I was able to play again, in a club, after moving to Paris. Gaming sparked an interest in sci-fi and fantasy movies, anime, and computer games. I’ve played quite a few different games including Vampire, Werewolf, and other White Wolf games, Star Wars, Star Trek, Call of Cthulu, Amber, DC Heroes, Chivalry and Sorcery, James Bond 007, Champions, Castle Falkenstein, In Nomine, Magna Veritas, Blood Lust, Torg, Reve de Dragon, Nephilim, MERP, Elfquest, Pendragon, and Warhammer Fantasy Role-playing. I would have to say my favorite game is Vampire. Now I play about twice a month. I also enjoy reading, listening to music, watching television and movies, and socializing. I really enjoy gaming because it is fun and allows me to spend time with my friends and interact socially with other people.

I definitely prefer playing female characters that are integrated into the game world. I really enjoy creating characters to explore an aspect of myself and rarely play characters that are different from myself. My favorite character is a female half-dark elf/half human who was raised by humans. She is a priestess of Athena and warrior. Her father was an arch villain while her mother was a priestess of Athena. She now lives 2 different lives in 2 different universes. In one she is a full time empress, saved the world a few times with the group and is fed up of being an hero with no life of her own. In the other, she is trying to balance her private life, her taste for battle and her wish to take public responsibilities in her new world. I like her because she has a real past, memories and secrets. She changes. She’s got a real personality based on an extensive, “real” background. She’s got friends and enemies aims, fears, hopes, etc. for “real” reasons. ______Darkness once again surrounds you. The Guide’s face once again appears. “Now that your eyes have begun to adjust to seeing from within, perhaps you are ready to move on. The choice remains up to you.” He begins to move his hands and fingers once again in strange patterns and gestures. The just barely audible words of incantation merge and flow with the patterns drawn in air. You can almost see a faint trace glow about his fingers and hands and the hair on your neck stands up with a tingle of energy and excitement. There is a rushing sound as again the powerful spell washes over you. ______Seeing is believing- believing in what you see – and this instantly confers belief to whoever, whatever receives your sight. The gift of sight surpasses the gifts of insight. For such sight blesses; it does transformative work. - James Hillman (1996), The Soul’s Code ______Sexism is in the Eye of the Beholder For a group whose stock in trade is the creation of fantasy worlds and the ability to not only imagine wildly divergent realities, but to interact in complex ways with them, it seems strange that the issue of sexism and divisiveness would rear its head at all. Isn’t part of the fun of gaming an escape from the confinements of the “real world”? Couldn’t we just imagine things to be different if we want to? But the initial predominance and continued male majority in the world of gaming forces us to examine why there is this gender difference and how it impacts

the experiences of women and men who play. The question, “Is Gaming Sexist?” continues to create controversy throughout the gaming world, repeatedly debated on Internet gaming sites, in chat rooms, and in magazine articles. Many choose to avoid it or dismiss it as irrelevant to the fun. Others insist it is a real concern that needs to be examined. Perhaps by entering into these multiple viewpoints, we might not only better understand the experiences of women in gaming, but something about those who hold these different opinions and why these issues remain so thorny. The complexity of the question of sexism in gaming, its sources, and the experiences of women and men who game, require us once again to look for the answer in the Eye of the Beholder. ______A raucous din echoes from far away within the labyrinthine caves that lie before us, and a wafting unpleasant scent clings to the air. The Guide for the first time looks a bit nervous, despite that he is now dressed in ornate armor with a highly polished mirrored shield and long keen sword. “Are you sure about this? Remember all those things I said about the Beholder? Did I not warn you that facing the Beholder was a dangerous move? You are likely to get paralyzed, eaten or even disintegrated by even entering its den. Not to mention the madness that some find just from the sight of it. Beware its many tentacle eyes. Each can be uniquely deadly. This could be the most dangerous part of our journey.” He shakes his head in a resignation. “Well if you must. You have been warned. This could get ugly quickly.” He breathes a heavy sigh and gestures toward the entrance. “Fare thee well and beware.” ______Male Gamer Voice: If you put too much attention on the sexist subject, you will only piss people off. - 21-year-old male began playing in 2002 Early explorations into the question of sexism focused primarily on explaining why so few women were involved in gaming. Fine (1983) identifies several explanations for the rarity of women in gaming when his study was conducted, including difference in fantasy play, essential gender differences, the recruitment process, and the unwelcoming atmosphere for women entering the hobby. First, citing sex differences in fantasy play, he notes that despite evidence of boys having less interest in imaginative play than girls do, role playing games may be more appealing to boys because of the particularly aggressive, active, and material focused styles of fantasy, the length of engagement boys are able to sustain, and the fact that girls are less

likely to engage in games or activities designated as “male” particularly in the school aged social worlds where many players get their start. Male Gamer Voice: It seems that most people who join the hobby are disaffected male teens who need escape. Perhaps girls of a similar age find something else? Or perhaps they are not exposed to gaming because of gender relations in that age group is incredibly poor? - 21-year-old who began playing in 1989 Secondly, Fine (1983) notes that the players he spoke with seemed to believe in some essential or intrinsic difference between men and women regarding a greater investment in social reality, a lack of imagination, or a lack of interest in the simulation of the unreal. Male Professional Gamer: Role-playing - by virtue of what it is - simply appeals to men by and large more than women. Football is a good analogy. - Rob Additionally, Fine (1983) suggests that three factors of the recruitment process may have contributed to the lack of opportunity for women to become involved in gaming. The first is that role-playing games evolved from the “virtually all-male activity” of wargaming. The second is that many of the related interest hobbies from which players were recruited were also very male- dominated, including fantasy and science fiction fans, war, history and medieval buffs. Lastly, he likens the networks of players to being somewhat of a hidden group that one enters by being invited by other members. He notes that most of the women he interviewed got into gaming through being a spouse or girlfriend of a gamer. ______A small computer on stocky robotic legs appears, its screen a collection of numeric digits arranged to appear as a face. “Greetings. You may call me Numbers.” The digits on the screen blink on and off briefly, almost like a handshake. “I am here to provide the voice of the survey numbers for they too have a perspective to share and a story to tell.” Numbers: Most gamers, both male and female, are actually introduced to gaming by a male friend. This is the case for 29.5% of female gamers and 52.1% of surveyed male gamers. Only 15.2% of female gamers report a male significant other introduced them to gaming. The women who discover it on their own accounted for 17.1%, quite similar to the 15.5% of males that reported they discovered gaming by themselves. A female friend introduced 10.5% of female gamers surveyed to gaming, with another 6.7% being introduced by a brother and further 6.7% through a social group, club, or organization.

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This compares to 5.7% of males who report being introduced through a social group, club or organization, and another 5% who were introduced by a male family member other than brother or father. Interestingly no males reported being introduced to gaming by a female friend (Table 2). ______Fine (1983) notes the reactions of men to the presence of women in gaming in the early days could certainly be perceived as hostile and unwelcoming, and thus negatively affected the interest and involvement of women. While he states that the males denied any unwelcoming attitudes toward women, he reports several incidents in which female players and employees for game companies shared that they felt out of place, lower in status, and at times treated as sex objects. Fine reports that some male players claim feeling inhibited in engaging their fantasy roles when women are present. He also describes a particular extreme situation that arose in one game in which he participated. While the characters were battling powerful female priestesses the commentary that emerged from one player, caught up in the excitement of the battle against female antagonists, became explicitly sexually aggressive and left many men in the group feeling uncomfortable, though silently complicit. Since the time of this research, the numbers of women involved in gaming have clearly grown, with some estimates of women in gaming as having reached numbers as high as 30%. It seems that despite these situations, women are finding their way into gaming. Are things more welcoming now than in the past? Numbers: A large majority of both male and female gamers (91.1% men and 98.1% women) have a positive opinion of women being involved in gaming. Only a small number indicate they have no opinion on the subject, (4.4% men and 1.9% women), and a tiny 1.5% of men indicate they see the presence of women in gaming as negative (Table 13). But we can take a deeper look beyond these opinions and notice the still sizable gender gap. Gaming has changed considerably since its early days. How much have things changed in the gaming subculture for the women and men that participate? Male Gamer Voice: Personally, I think the pendulum is swinging way too far. I have recently been exposed to games that only used the female pronoun, without a disclaimer. Is that sexist (yes) I have also seen others that use the “good guy” examples as female but the “bad guy” examples as only male. Sexist? (yes)….Then again, it could just be that

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we males suffered through long and painful ridicule when we were young, but were willing to take it for our hobby, where many of the girls our age were not. I think that in light of the bullying issues in schools that are currently out there, you might be better served looking into that aspect of gaming, which can be very damaging to HUMANS, and losing the attempts at grounding this in yet another illusion of sexism against women. Had I known that this was the line of questions you were going to take, I would not have completed this survey. It boarders on misandry and is a clear attempt to take away from young men one of the only refuges some of them have in a world that is full of ridicule. There are very few groups out there that would not welcome women in their games, and those that don’t may just want to play a game without having to take the ridicule that is often heaped on them by the young women in their lives…Women vote with their wallets, just like the rest of us. If game companies are producing sexist material, then they will not sell to women and the companies will be shooting themselves in the foot. Those that are not sexist…sell well to women and those companies do well… find another thesis topic and stop hating yourself. [In response to a question of how to make gaming more gender equal] Shutting people like you up, sexist….How about trying to understand or exploring the REAL social difficulties that revolve around gaming? We gamers are referred to as “geeks, nerds, and losers” in primary school. Could it not be that ladies stay away from gaming in order to escape this sort of ridicule? Why do we choose to game? What does that have to do with the manner in which MALES socialize? Why is the stigma placed on gaming by others? This thesis may be politically correct, and may be just your way of trying to get laid, but I think you might be well served in exploring the MISANDRY behind some of the larger social issues around gaming rather than simply becoming another hidden hater in the academy. - 33-year-old who began playing in 1983

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______The Guide appears suddenly with an encouraging pat on the shoulder, grinning with mischievous delight. “That was intense! I told you it could get messy. But you look like you’ve fared quite well in your first real encounter. I think you might have struck a nerve. But of course what happens to men is far more important than women and a man could only be interested in a woman’s perspective as a means to her bedroom.” His head shakes with a mix of both sarcasm and sadness. “Forge on. You’ve only just begun to face the Beholder. There are many more eyes to see. But watch out for those tentacle eyes. They can get you wrapped up before you know it. You may want to take on each eye, one at a time.” He gestures toward three different archways that lie ahead. ______Sexism and problematic gender interactions might be evident in a number of ways in the subculture of gaming, including the opinions of the players about sexism and gender, the stereotypes that surround gaming and its participants, the artwork, media, and language used, and the actual way people are treated in regard to their gender. We will explore each of these in kind, from the opinions of sexism in gaming, to the stereotypes, to the material culture and to the way that people are treated in regard to their gender. Opinions vary depending on the particular area of the gaming subculture one asks about, but these may also be influenced by the time frame a player has been involved in gaming, the attitudes toward sexism that player has in general, and the experiences that a given player brings to the issue. Opinions of Sexism in Gaming What are gamers’ perceptions and opinions of gaming being sexist? Even asking about this issue sparks considerable controversy. Male Gamer Voice: THE ONLY PEOPLE I HAVE EVER SEEN CAUSE SUCH GENDER INEQUALITY WERE MEMBERS OF THE PRESS TRYING TO PRESSURE SOMEONE INTO SAYING THERE WAS INEQUALITY…I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED A SINGLE INCIDENT OF GAMING BEING SEXIST. THE ONLY TIMES I EVER HEAR ABOUT IT ARE FROM QUESTIONNAIRES LIKE THIS THAT SEEM TO WANT TO FIND SOMETHING THAT ISN’T THERE. ANYONE CAN FIND EXAMPLES OF ANYTHING NEGATIVE IN ANYTHING IF

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THEY TRY HARD ENOUGH TO DELIBERATELY MISINTERPRET THE MATERIAL. - 33-year-old who began playing in 1979 ______The Guide provides another encouraging pat on the back. “Just like anyone can ignore the negative in anything if they try hard enough. Don’t let this dissuade you. Train your eyes to see through and not just ignore. I warned you it wouldn’t be pretty.” ______Numbers: When asked about whether they perceived gaming books and media as sexist in their representations of gender, a majority of gamers, 54.9%, indicated they were “somewhat” to “very” sexist. While 19% remained uncertain, 22.8% indicated that gaming books and media were “not really” and 12.4% of all gamers reported that they thought they were “not at all.” A larger percentage of female gamers reported perceiving that gaming books and materials were sexist than male gamers did, with 69.3% of women indicating they were “somewhat” to “very” sexist, while 38.4% of males responded similarly. A larger percentage of male gamers saw the gaming books as materials as “not really” or “not at all” sexist, accounting for 50% of males surveyed, as compared to 16.3% of females surveyed. Those who remained “uncertain” included 14.4% of females and 20.5% of males (Table 14).

Male Gaming Professional: Sexism is in the eye of the beholder. For every cheesecake fantasy painting, there is another barbarian in a loincloth flexing his manly muscles…it's never come up in any group I've been involved with…As a male, I'm not offended by scantily-clad barbarian swordsmen on covers and as an artist have an appreciation for the human form. As I said, sexism isn't inherently good or bad, it just *is*. - Todd

Female Gamer Voice: Games are sexist, so is the real world. Gaming is a good place to practice appropriate and effective responses to sexism…therefore, I would not change a thing. - 49-year-old who began playing in 1980

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Female Gamer Voice: It has never been an issue for me. I’ve been the only female in a group and had groups with only one male…I think the case of sexism or gender bias is blown out of proportion for the most part. - 37-year-old female who began playing in 1991

Numbers: When asked about how sexism and gender equality issues have changed over the time they have been involved in gaming, the majority felt that things have been improving with 71.5% of males and 68.7% of females reporting it becoming “slightly” to “much less” sexist. Nearly equal percentages, 10.4% of females and 10.8% of males, reported seeing no change. Similarly, 14.6% of males and 20.8% of females reported “little change”, while 3.1% of males indicated it has become “slightly” to “much more” sexist (Table 15). One central theme to the issue of sexism in gaming that seems to remain intact since the early days is that these games have a different appeal to men and women. Many people see it not so much an issue of being sexist, as it is that women are less likely to be interested in gaming or to appreciate it as much as the male players. A sort of implicit and essentialist belief about what appeals to both women and men, based in ideas about innate biological sex differences and the processes of gender socialization, serves as the backing for this logic. Male Gamer Voice: You presume that gaming is sexist. It isn’t. As I wrote in Dragon magazine once, the reason that there are more men than women in gaming is because games intrinsically appeal more to men than to women. That’s not just my opinion but also the view of Gary Gygax who co-invented D&D and also Dr. J. Eric Holmes, a psychiatrist and one of the editors of D&D in its early years. - 33-year-old Ph.D., who began playing in 1983

Female Gaming Professional: I just don't agree with psychologist that say this is socialized. I think it's entirely in the animal part of our brain, and something we really have no choice about. - Samantha

Male Professional Gamer: Our brains are wired that way. - Todd

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Male Gaming Professional: Social pressures, often. Guys are supposed to be guys, and women are not supposed to be violent or competitive. - Mark

Male Gamer Voice: I think it is not a sexist environment and am fed up with the argument. Playing with dolls is not sexist yet I have no interest in it, knitting is not sexist but I have no interest in it…however this hobby is predominantly escapist, one involving killing things, one that is not really that well aimed at female personalities. Most females I have known who object to the game, object to their partner playing and have not taken part themselves. Others who have, including my ex wife, express no understanding of it, any more than she did about my buying and collecting comics. Does not make it sexist, just means it is not her cultural taste. - 37-year-old who began playing in 1977 It is widely expressed among gamers that women are more interested in story elements, character interactions, and have less interest in game mechanics, rules, and systems. While historically the rising number of women in gaming coincides with the shift in gaming systems toward these story and character elements, it is hardly a causal relationship. Others perceive men as being essentially more aggression focused and that gaming, which includes such elements, will not appeal to women. Female Gamer Voice: Another matter that should be addressed is that men and women game differently. Women tend to go for a more human and emotionally tying game, while men prefer strong mechanics and game system use. - 23-year-old who began playing in 1992

Male Gamer Voice: In my experience, women avoid historical gaming because historical gaming often takes place in sexist cultures – instead they should see playing a female in a sexist culture as a challenge. - 26-year-old who began playing in 1987 ______The room we enter seems to have no exit. The walls of the room are covered with photographs and glossy magazine covers. While some show mothers caring for infants and children, a vast majority are of beautiful female supermodels and celebrities, doing nothing more than looking pretty, dressing pretty, and posing for the camera. The Guide crashes through a section of the wall, revealing an exit. “As if daily ‘playing’ the game of life in a sexist culture

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isn’t enough of a challenge. Why would someone want that kind of escapism as their source of fun?” He shakes his head, yet again. ______Numbers: Both male and female gamers rate elements such as story and character highly in what they would like an ideal gaming group to focus on. In regards to telling a good story, 97.1% of male gamers and 96.3% of female gamers rated that element as more than “somewhat” to “very” important. In regards to developing interesting characters and character interactions, 97.5% of male gamers and 96% of female gamers rated that as more than “somewhat” to “very” important (Table 5). Similarly, when asked about the most important aspects of character creation, 83.5% of male gamers indicated that they more than “somewhat” to “totally” agreed that character personality was important, while 88.4% of female players did (Table 6). Clearly the elements of story and character are not solely the domain and interest of female players. When asked about the importance of dice, structured rules, and game mechanics in their ideal groups, 42% of male gamers reported that was more than “somewhat” to “very” important, while only 17.2% of female gamers reported that element as being more than “somewhat” to “very” important (Table 5). Regarding character creation, 26.2% of male gamers indicated more than “somewhat” to “totally” agreeing with the statement that dice rolls and character stats were the most important part of character creation, while only 8.6% of female gamers replied similarly (Table 6). It seems then that dice, structured rules, and character stats are just less important to the females who play. ______Stereotypes of Gaming and Gamers There are many ways stereotypes may affect the experiences of both men and women in gaming. Negative stereotypes of gaming and gamers may limit gamers’ social experiences leading to creation of highly stereotyped characters, self-protective isolationism in gaming groups and negative responses related to gender. The generally negative stereotypes of gamers are also possible contributors to the gender divide and the atmosphere that some women encounter when they enter gaming culture. Gamers are often perceived as lacking social skills, being deviant, immature, strange, obsessed “nerds,” “geeks,” and “weirdos.” To the extent that

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these stereotypes are true, this may create awkward gender interactions and thus discourage some people from participating, but particularly women. Female Gamer Voice: When I tell others that I play D&D, the response is often- but you are a girl, and D&D is for ugly, balding guys who can’t get girlfriends. - 22-year-old who began playing in 1999

Female Gamer Voice: Persuading some male gamers to wash more often would be a damn good start. Many male gamers lack social skills with respect to any other people, not just women. There are some female gamers with the same problem, but it seems to me that the affected proportion is smaller. - 34-year-old who began playing in 1986

Female Gaming Professional: It's sad but true that gamers still tend to be what we professionals so fondly call "socially challenged". I suspect that role-playing is sometimes the only social contact that some of them have to women at all, besides sisters, mothers, teachers, etc. naturally. So, as boys are still boys, whether they are "socially challenged" or not, they are still interested in girls, and with having so little actual practice in dealing with them...horrific situations CAN occur. - Ally Furthermore, exaggerated stereotypes of men and women are also acted out in gaming situations, adding to that awkwardness of gender relations. This may be heightened as well within the intensity of the overlapping frames of person, player, and character that are part of the gaming experience. Female Gaming Professional: Stereotypical gamers usually know nothing about women except what they see in comic books. They turn their characters into the hero that saves the fair maiden, or the traveler that sleeps with the busty tavern wench…I think if the attitude toward gaming itself were to change, then the stereotype wouldn't be so much the norm. - Samantha Another possibility for the gender divide and isolationism of gaming subculture is that gamers, having been subjected to the marginalization by society as a whole, hold tighter to the sanctity of their haven through exclusion and xenophobia.

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Male Gamer Voice: I think the majority of the sexist environment is caused by having no experience with women in the hobby. Hence, when one shows up people tend to “defend their territory.” - 25-year-old who began playing in 1990 Others, who recognize the negative experience of marginalization, may empathize with the new players and seek to create a welcoming haven for others to escape such marginalization, thereby counteracting this exclusion and divisiveness. Male Gamer Voice: Quite honestly none of the gamers I have known have been sexist in any way. I believe that gamers, at least from my experience, are less encumbered by societal pressures. I have found them to be more open towards and accepting of opposing viewpoints. Perhaps this is caused by their ability to form worlds in their imagination and not be so indoctrinated by the realities foisted upon us by those who seek to dominate this world with archaic and misogynistic belief systems. -31-year-old who began playing in 1987 Some suggest that as these stereotypes of gamers diminish that more women will become involved. Male Gamer Voice: I think the stereotypes of either end need to be dealt with. Male gamers are “geeks and dorks” while female gamers are seen as “fat and ugly.” In other words, gaming has a misconception of being a refuge for the terminally dateless and undateable. Until “cool” people discover gaming as an acceptable hobby, the stereotypes will remain. - 31-year-old who began playing in1982 In some ways, this process has already begun. As “geek” has become more mainstream and is co-opted by popular culture into “geek chic,” gaming and other forms of geekdom are less stigmatizing. One example of this reduction of stigmatization comes from a recent commercial for appliances. It featured a “nerdy” young man who’s accidental encounter with a supermodel leads romance and which at one point includes her pleasant surprise while opening a gift from him, a Dungeons and Dragons® manual. This commercial was widely circulated among gamers via the Internet (http://www.ge.com/stories/en/13085.html). This shift of attitude is particularly evident with the widespread popularization of computer and video gaming among adolescents of both genders. Females are beginning to comprise a rising part of computer gaming subculture and the rise of sites like Womengamers.com (http://www.womengamers.com/index.php) serve as places for women to find support and voice in the world of video games.

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Female Gamer Voice: There just needs to be more women involved and sexism will be less tolerated. I’ve certainly found this to be true of other hobbies I’ve been involved in i.e. anime conventions used to be a haven for “geeky” college guys, now they’re full to bursting with teenage girls. - 24-year-old who began playing in 1997 For those who believe that gaming could use some improvement about issues of gender equality and sexism, gamers were quite vocal about their opinions. Some believe it is first necessary for certain segments to mature in their attitudes and behaviors, including their sexuality, in ways that promote and encourage a wider range of people to be welcomed. Female Gamer Voice: Beyond the offending gamers ‘getting some’ and thus losing their obsession with boobies? I’m not sure. - 19-year-old who began playing in 2002

Female Gamer Voice: Give the poor geek boys some way to deal with women that doesn’t involve staring at their tits. - 27-year-old who began playing in 1993

Female Gamer Voice: Male players should not automatically assume that women know nothing about the rules, or that we are interested in going out with them. - 32-year-old who began playing in 1988

Male Gamer Voice: I don’t think it will happen so long as the majority of gamers are adolescents who are learning their gender identity as they are learning about gaming. Too many see women gamers as threatening. - 34-year-old who began playing in 1981

Acknowledging that often the issue of sexism is driven more by the particularly problematic people, some players also suggest that policing one’s games is a viable solution. Male Gamer Voice: I think that, to a large extent, we have to police ourselves. The male hobbyists must adjust their own attitudes and behavior, and require peers to do the same. -39-year-old who began playing in 1979

Numbers: Both male (72% of men) and female (84.7% of women) gamers agree that men pointing out and correcting gender equality will help gaming to be more gender equal and less sexist. Similarly 64.5% of male gamers and 77.3% of female gamers think

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that women pointing out and correcting gender equality will help (Table 16). When asked what would be most helpful in making gaming a more gender equal and less sexist environment, the second largest percentage of female gamers, 16%, and third largest percentage of male gamers, 14.1% felt that men pointing out and correcting gender equality would be the most helpful (Table 17). As noted above, many believe that by changing the negative stereotypes of gamers and increasing the public awareness and understanding of gaming, people will begin to recognize the true diversity of the gaming community. This will bring a greater diversity of people to gaming, allowing greater opportunity for reshaping the nature of the gaming community. Female Gamer Voice: The involvement of more women, more couples, and older players, as the worst behavior seems to be confined to single men under the age of 25. - 39-year-old who began playing in 1980

Female Gamer Voice: I expect the “hot” new issue will not be gender but parenting and dealing with child care and when/how to include children and teens during games. This is related to gender, as it is more often that the female partner of a two-parent/gamer household is responsible for childcare, but it is not exclusively a gender issue. - 28-year-old who began playing in 1980 Sexism in The Material Culture of Gaming: Art, Media, and Language In regards to the material culture of gaming, its language, its artwork and marketing, we find just as complicated a set of opinions. Despite efforts to include more positive female characters and examples, to balance gendered language usage, and the input of increasing numbers of women in the gaming industry, many gamers still see problems along with the improvements. In artwork, both men and women seem to recognize the unrealistic standards of female body types and styles of dress that are prevalent in many gaming materials, artwork, and character examples. Numbers: A quick count of some of artwork in a selection of readily available gaming manuals finds a continued inequity in gender representations. The Dungeons and Dragons Player’s Handbook (3rd Edition) contains well over twice as many depictions of clearly gendered male humanoids than female. Star Wars d20 (1st Edition) shows an even greater disparity with over three times as many male gendered figures in artwork

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than females. 7th Sea, a magically tinged swashbuckling game, contains just over three times as many male figures in the artwork, while both Vampire the Masquerade (2nd Edition) and Exalted, had just over twice as many male depictions as female. Though a majority of male gamers have a negative opinion of gender equality in gaming artwork, they still perceive it more positively than the female players, with 44.9% indicating it is “terrible” to “not very good,” 25.1% being “neutral,” and 29.9% reporting it as “good,” or “very good." Female gamers’ opinions of the gender equality in gaming artwork ranged from 76.7% seeing it as “terrible” to “not very good” while 7.8% were “neutral,” and 15.5% reported it as being “good” (Table 10). Interestingly, 77.5% of male gamers as compared with 92.8% of female gamers felt that including more gender equal representations in artwork would help create a more gender equal and less sexist gaming environment (Table 16). The largest percentage of female gamers, 18%, felt that improving artwork would be the most helpful in making gaming a more gender equal and less sexist environment, followed closely by men pointing out and correcting gender equality (16%), other options, such as combining strategies (16%), and including more equal representation of character examples and role models (13%) (Table 17). Among male gamers, improving the artwork was the second most common answer, with 14.9% agreeing. An additional 14.1% thought men pointing out and correcting gender inequality, and 11.6% thought that including more equal representations of character examples and role models would be most helpful in redressing inequality and sexism, though the majority, 25.7%, stated that that gaming was not sexist (Table 17).

Female Gamer Voice: How about a woman without gravity defying tits and a six-pack, people??? - 20-year-old who began playing in 1993

Male Gamer Voice: If I even saw a portrait of a female character that I wouldn’t nail were she a living being, I think I’d die of shock! - 18-year-old who began playing in 1997

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Female Gamer Voice: Women see the scantily clad Amazonian warriors on posters and just wonder why they would want to purchase such a thing; meanwhile the men are drooling. If you had an equal number of romance-novel covers to go with the babe- posters, more women might realize that the games are for them as well. - 31-year-old who began playing in 1979 Gaming professionals are quite clear about the origins and perpetuation of these standards in artwork, media, and marketing. They frequently point out that gaming companies are trying to maintain their share of a small niche market dominated by young males. Some, however, note shifting and improvement in these practices, citing continuing attempts to include more realistic artwork, particularly in regards to clothing, as well as more positive and powerful female character icons. Female Gaming Professional: Sex still sells…In most cases, I think gaming products and advertisements today are better about presenting gender equality than many other forms of entertainment media, especially considering that tabletop roleplaying is targeted primarily toward young men. Most products targeted toward that group go for the lowest common denominator in their appeals…RPGs, for the most part, have moved away from such appeals…In D&D in particular, there has been a concerted effort to: include iconic characters of both genders, use gender neutral language and to dress most characters appropriately for their activities, rather than having female fighters slogging through swamps or swordfighting in bikinis. - Kim

Female Gaming Professional: In my art, I try to depict capable intelligent women and men, without an excess of cheesecake. I'm not above making a sexy character, but I think I do so with men as readily as with women. I have had art directors ask for more cheesecake, not quite in so many words however, which makes me grind my teeth. - Liz

Female Gaming Professional: While I would love to find a way to create an RPG that women love, I do realize that the hobby is primarily male, and that in order for a product I work on to be successful, it needs to appeal to men. Thus, I often have to curb my preferences and go with something I know will sell better to the male audience. - Cindi

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Female Gaming Professional: One factor is having a few more women professionals influencing the output of what is actually produced and how it is sold. Another is the fact that companies have realized that women have money to spend as well, and are a valid target audience. Also when there is more demand from female gamers, at least even slightly more, some manufacturers have become aware of this fact. Also the fact that it is much harder now to sell an R.P.G. than it used to be, due to flooding of the market of product, some manufacturers have realized that perhaps they should try to tap into new markets, including women. - Ally

Numbers: Interestingly, both male and female gamers had a slightly more negative opinion of other gaming materials and events such as advertisements, magazines, and convention offerings. For male gamers rating these on issues of gender equality, 41.1% rated these as “terrible” to “not very good,” 40.1% were neutral, and 18.8% rated them as “good” to “very good.” Female gamers rated them even more negatively. 73.3% rated these as “terrible” to “not very good,” 20.8% were neutral, and only 6% indicated them as “good” to “very good” (Table 12). Many agree that greater awareness and attention to artwork in products as well as in advertising would be effective, though game companies must be careful to strike a balance. They must avoid both alienating their primary customer base as well as limiting their market trying to create something that appeals only to one gender or the other. Male Gamer Voice: Advertising and marketing is the biggest force of sexism in the gaming industry. All the gender-balanced artwork and example characters in the world won’t amount to anything if the weasels in marketing put out a poster with a woman in a chainmail bikini. - 27-year-old who began playing in 1985

Female Gamer Voice: Creating games or anything else aimed specifically at one gender would be a huge backward step. I dread to think what a game created specifically for women would be like. “Handbag: The Shopping”, “Cookers and Cleaning” Gah. - 34-year-old who began playing in 1986 Language usage in gaming books and manuals also sparks some serious contention, again with no easy answers or simple solutions. Some recognize the ways that exclusive masculine

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pronouns and predominantly male examples throughout the books may play a role in gaming being less appealing to women, while others see it as a petty and unimportant issue, often falling back on explaining it as just the status quo way things are done in “standard English.” Numbers: When asked about gender equality in terms of language usage, there was still a disparity in perception between men and women. 10.4% of men and 23.1% of women selected a rating of “terrible” to “not very good,” 34.1% of men and 44.2% of women remained “neutral,” and 50.7% of men and 32.6% of women reported things as “good” to “very good” (Table 11). Both genders agreed that improvements in language usage would help gaming be more gender equal and less sexist, with 60.2% of male gamers and 75.8% of women indicating so (Table 16).

Female Gaming Professional: Aside from cringing as I read games that overuse the male pronoun, "mankind," and similar phrasing, I've never felt uncomfortable in this industry. - Nikola Many gamers react negatively to the issue of language usage in terms of “political correctness” and some see discussing the issue of sexism in gaming as some sort of bowing to the “political correctness” police. Female Gamer Voice: I think the ‘politically correct’ idea of making everything equal is stupid. I think we should leave it as it is, and I am female. I really am tired of everyone making everything so ‘don’t want to offend anyone’ that it takes the fun out of gaming, and of life as well, on a larger scale…Leave it. - 31-year-old who began playing in 1979

Male Gamer Voice: I’m really somewhat sick of the effort particularly in D&D 3rd edition to implement the he/she pronouns throughout the book instead of just simply going with the traditional “he” pronoun. I’ve continually wanted to go through all their publications and count the number of times they’ve made feminine/masculine references to see if it is indeed “truly equal.” I believe they’ve gone too far in attempting to make the game more “politically correct” and attracting female gamers…However, to do what they’re (WotC) doing is just plain silly…Finally, more often than not, when I read an article and it has a feminine pronoun in it I tend to believe it seems very, almost robotic.

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Like they had to go to some length to include it. I then go back and read to see if any specific examples site the masculine pronoun and see, more often then not, that the article does not use it…I think we’re going a little overboard on this gender inequality/equality issue. I’ve never been a fan of political correctness. I simply believe in treating all equally and fairly. Is that political correctness? I hate the phrase and refuse to use it. Gender inequality reeks of political correctness to me. I would love to see more women gaming. But I’m not going to start have “D&D women’s focus groups” and stuff like that to do it. I’m currently teaching a girlfriend of mine now to play the game. I believe the game can attract females on its own merits…Should gaming try to appeal to females? Perhaps, but not to the extent of selling out to political correctness…Now we’ll have the thought police at all the various gaming companies. Geez. Gimme a break. - 36-year-old who began playing in 1980

Male Gamer Voice: I personally think that there is too much political correctness in the world of reality! My belief is that in Fantasy anyone can be anything they wish to be! - 32-year-old who began playing in 1984

Male Gamer Voice: I’ve never really seen a problem, after all it is fantasy. - 25-year-old who began playing in 1991 ______The Guide appears quite suddenly. “Ah yes…now we’re coming to the real heart of the matter and the question remains, whose fantasy is it and who gets to define the nature of that fantasy?” We are standing in a large chamber with numerous exits in all directions. There is a sense that the labyrinthine corridors have all been leading here. A large eye shaped opening gapes in the floor, clearly signifying the entrance to the Beholder’s inner sanctum. “Time to face the Beholder, eye to Eye.” He gestures toward the staircase leading down from the eye shaped hole. As we begin to descend, his mischievous laughter follows us down. ______

Female Gaming Voice: How many women REALLY look like that or act like that? Sure it’s fantasy, but isn’t there some sort of reality in fantasy as well?

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- 26-year-old who began playing in 1996

Female Gaming Voice: It’s fantasy, so all the characters are hyper masculine and hyper feminine…that’s as sexist as say a Victoria’s Secret catalog. - 49-year-old who began playing in 1980

Male Gamer Voice: I think the main thing that needs to change is the attitude of male gamers. Many guys I know play female characters as sluts who go around having sex with everything that moves. This offends me even though I am a man. I believe male gamers should treat female gamers and characters with respect. The problem is not so much with the rules system as with the nature of the players. - 18-year-old who began playing in 2000 Being in the majority may make it difficult to for some gamers to recognize the sexism and differential power in the culture as a whole, the structures that maintain it, as well as some of the ways that it contributes to problematic aspects of gaming culture that remain. They believe that the secret to change is to stop focusing on gender and issues of inequality altogether. Male Gamer Voice: I know this is an unpopular view, but as a man I feel unfairly targeted whenever this ‘sexism’ issue comes up…Gender used to be an issue in gaming in the 80’s because it was seen as a part of geekdom, which was a stereotypically male domain. Anyone born after 1985 is not going to know that, unless we keep on and on about it and drawing attention to the ancient idea that gaming is inherently sexist in its portrayal of women. It really isn’t, and to be honest it never really was. - 25-year-old who began playing in 1992

Male Gamer Voice: Get over everything being equal. Life is not equal and neither is everything in it. Some people believe that given “equal gender” balance, that men and women will share the same interest in the same products. No matter how hard you try, that will not happen. Some things will appeal to different audiences. - 30-year-old who began playing in 1987

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Male Gaming Voice: I find this whole question stupid. All women I have seen playing in our group never complained or found anything sexist in the game. It’s not something about the game, but about the people who meet to play. - 41-year-old who began to play in 1982 ______A strange sight lies in the chamber before us. The floor is covered with dirt and sand. In the center of the room is what appears to be the Guide with his head stuck deep into the ground. He pulls his head out, shakes his head and sputters some dirt from his mouth. “Just because the women never said anything doesn’t mean that the experience was positive, that they didn’t think differently, or have something to say. Let’s ask them. Time to get down and dirty.” Suddenly the floor drops out and we plummet down to an uncomfortable landing, covered in dirt. ______Negative Gender Relations Female Gamer Voice: Mostly, I just sat there being miserable. I personally wasn’t being harassed, but the GM had my character (and the other females’ characters) being treated unreasonably (even within normal game limits). - 19-year-old who began playing in 2001

Female Gamer Voice: If I feel uncomfortable at a store, I generally ignore it since I don’t know any of the people there and no one really comes out and says anything. - 36-year-old who began playing in 1997 Entry into the social world of gaming happens in a variety of ways but primarily involves being introduced into gaming by someone or finding it on one’s own. As with any new activity, “learning the ropes” not only of the particular game but also of the subculture and particular local group one is joining can be quite challenging. The group one joins can be supportive and welcoming, facilitating one’s progress and inclusion or make the experience much more like a hazing. This is true for any new member to a group, but being in the minority may pose some additional challenges and the experience of induction may be quite different.

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Female Gamer Voice: I play with mostly males, and they have not had much experience with female gamers. So I was shunned a little at first, until they realized that I really did know what I was doing. - 22-year-old who began playing in 2002

Male Gamer Voice: For a hobby heavily dominated by men, this is a very equal and welcoming game – much more so than things like poker, hunting, and other male dominated activities. - 37-year-old that began playing in 1982 ______Passing down the darkened halls with just the barest light to find our steps, an oppressive feeling enwraps the skin. There is the enduring chill tingling up the spine; a crawling sense of being constantly watched as we move toward what appears to be an intersection or room ahead. ______Female Gaming Voice: It is true that when we went to the gaming convention, I noticed the eyes upon me and the other women in our club. Our club was about 40% female and we wore matching t-shirts. We were healthy college co-eds, and we were definitely noticed. If anything, the gamers were much more polite to us than anyone else. But, we did feel like we were being watched a lot of the time. - 40-year-old who began playing in 1980 ______Moving into the dim light of the room it is impossible to miss the sign that hangs prominently above. “Welcome All to the Con!” Beneath the banner just in the shadows stands the Guide, with a lewd glint in his eyes he is holding a placard between his hands. It reads “Score: 7” in large bold black print. He shakes his head again and gestures us toward the exit on the other side of the room. ______Female Gamer Voice: Although I’ve never felt uncomfortable I have been treated differently because I’m a female gamer, although not so much in recent years. Usually it’s more an expression of disbelief, or in a couple of cases, puppy adoration. I just handle it with laughter and humor. - 37-year-old that began playing in 1984

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Female Gamer Voice: I generally find that as a woman I am eagerly sought as a member of groups. I’ve never been hit on, though, perhaps because I often play with my husband, or because I’m older than most of the boys who might do the “hitting.” - 38-year-old female who began playing in 1975

Female Gamer Voice: When I go to the gaming store I am not ostracized. I am put up on a pedestal like a goddess because I am a rarity, a woman in a gaming shop! I love going there and talking with everyone and learning about their characters. I really don’t think guys are put off by or put down girl gamers. - 18+-year-old who began playing in 1982 ______Another room lies before us. This one decorated in carved marble, smooth and clear. In the center, upon a tall slender pedestal, stands a statue of a flowing graceful female figure. It is bathed in a ray of light from some source far above, giving it a golden and unearthly glow. Two circles of stony male figures surround it. The outer circle standing stalwart in guardian poses, while the inner circle bows in worship. Appearing suddenly from amidst the ring of figures prances the Guide. He gestures to the central figure as he weaves among the statues. “Golden prized treasure. There she stands. Sought after to be possessed. Now guarded and revered.” His pace quickens. “She’s our gamer girl! She’s our gamer girl!” He continues to weave in a more frantic dancing pace. “She comes to our store! No! She’s ours!” Faster and faster he twirls. “Get your own! She’s ours!” Amid his frenzied manic dance he jostles the pedestal and the female statue wobbles and then topples to the floor with a splintering crunch. “Ooops,” he says with sheepish shame. He shrugs his shoulders and fades from view. ______Male Gamer Voice: The thing that would probably help the most is to remove the object orientation of gaming. In a lot of games people, men and women both- but most often women, become objects to be gained, controlled, and used as a mark of personal accomplishment and worth. - 28-year-old who began playing in 1980

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Male Gamer Voice: There’s always going to be some “weirdness” when men and women game together, simply because there tends to be some amount of flirting that goes on. We can’t really help it – most gamers are sexually active human beings. Women can really distract men from the game. I’ve seen situations where men “act out” more often when women are present, become louder, show more bravado, etc. They’re not as focused as much on playing their characters or being their characters because women tend to keep them more focused on what’s going on outside of the game. I’m not saying that women in gaming is a bad thing; far from it. It’s just that adding women to an all male group changes the environment; there’s absolutely no question about it. That’s just the way it is. - 26-year-old who began playing in 1993 ______With a shifting subtlety the walls of the corridor seem to be changing, twisting, and closing in. The Guide’s face appears repeatedly all around, molded of the very stones that surround us. With unsettling echoing unison, all of the faces speak in a crafted falsetto, “Boys will be boys. They all like girls. They just can’t help themselves. Boys will be boys. They are slaves to their hormones and their most base drives. They are animals. That’s just the way it is.” The chant repeats and continues to echo with maddening intensity, driving us on through the nearest exit. ______Female Gaming Professional: I was fascinated by the idea of playing a game where I could pretend to be a fantasy character and interact with other fantasy characters…Unfortunately, my own friends were dubious about playing this strange game, and I was too shy to approach the boys who played. So I didn't actually start playing until I was 16, when I started dating a DM…I've heard of women being pushed out of games, belittled, talked down to, or shown unwelcome attention, particularly in LARP situations, mostly at cons. I've also heard of women being ignored in game stores because the staff doesn't think they're serious customers…On further reflection, I do remember one unpleasant incident that happened to me personally. A guy who normally didn't play with us was acting as a sort of "DM's helper" by playing an NPC [Non-player Character]. He used the NPC's superhuman strength and power to rape and murder my

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character, which he thought was really funny. I always chalked it up to that guy being a jerk generally, and it didn't deter me from playing again. - Kim

Female Gaming Professional: … I either feel unwelcome or overwelcome…Overwelcome: "Oh my God, it's a woman! What do I say? What do I do? How do I impress her?" Unwelcome: "I can't believe she's intruding on our boys' club, why doesn't she just go away?" These are the feelings I get at any con off of several con-goers. I've had some posturing and some dismissive behavior, but mostly the posturing…I also had some of that feeling from a few men who had been playing for years and I suppose had never had a woman in their group. Even though they knew I gamed, they still tried to talk down to me, as if I were too fragile (or something) to understand what they were talking about…They both bother me in different ways. Overwelcome makes me uncomfortable, in that I just want to get away from this person or figure out how to socialize him. Unwelcome makes me angry and want to fight for my place. - Samantha ______The Guide whispers from behind and to the left. “Fight or flee? Fight or flee? He who runs away lives to fight another day.” From behind and to the right another he whispers yet again. “If I stay and fight, maybe, just maybe, someday things will change.” The dread silence of choice clings around. Without warning, a shout seeming from nowhere, “I say toss that woman a sword. Fight on sister! Fight on!” ______Such examples of the varied ways women are welcomed or not into the world of gaming raises the question of the possibility of other, perhaps more blatant, ways that their gender may have resulted in them feeling uncomfortable, judged, or even harassed and how those experiences are handled by the players who experience or observe them. Such incidents by and large are not the norm today, though they still do occur and there definitely seems to be a disparity between genders in this regard. Numbers: When surveyed about personal experiences of being made to feel uncomfortable, judged or harassed because of their gender, 55.3% of female gamers indicated that they had such an experience, as did 5.4% of male gamers (Table 7). When

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asked about observed incidents of a similar nature, 40% of female gamers indicated they had observed such incidents, as did 32.2% of male gamers (Table 8). In terms of rumors or stories about such incidents, 78.6% of women report having heard of such incidents, as did 53.4% of male gamers (Table 9).

Male Gamer Voice: This is ridiculous. The people who play these games are so scared of women it would never happen. - 20-year-old who began playing in 2002

Female Gamer Voice: It hasn’t really happened to me since I was much younger, I think that people react very differently to me as a woman in her 30’s than they did as a girl in her teens. - 39-year-old who began playing in 1977 There seem to be differences in the ways each gender handles such incidents that further demonstrate the power differentials as well as gender differences in conflict resolution. The men who are concerned seem to be much more direct and aggressive in their approach, sometimes without recognizing the ways this reiterates the same gender inequalities and maintains their positions of power. Male Gamer Voice: Threats of physical violence. Hey, I’m a Texan and we don’t cotton to people mistreating ladies, outdated though such attitudes might be. - 33-year old who began playing in 1982

Male Gamer Voice: If possible I also confront the idiot, but that doesn’t always happen. Too many gamers are stubborn and completely unwilling to see another side of an argument. When that happens, I generally remind them that their attitude is probably why I’ve had a several girlfriends and am now married while they still live at home and are 45-year-old virgins masturbating over comic books. If I feel the situation warrants it, I will get even more explicit than that. I had to move around a lot when younger and was excluded because I was “new” or “didn’t wear the right styles” etc. I don’t like seeing other people treated that way. - 31-year-old that began playing in 1981 ______The walls of the cavern are covered with drawings and carvings that depict the conflicts of many ages. Men and boys charging across fields of valor to claim the spoils of conquering, or

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stalwart in their defense of the women of their homelands. From the Trojan War to the playground scuffle, they remind us of the way things have been for a very long time. ______Given the power dynamics of a male majority, some women are faced with a difficult choice; the choice to remain silent for the sake of being able to continue to participate in something she finds enjoyable, or to speak up and “ruin” the game by detracting from the fantasy and engrossment, drawing attention to these power dynamics and by then bringing in negative experiences from the “real world.” Some women’s first experience may thus turn them off entirely to the whole thing or leaves them jumping from group to group trying to find one that feels welcoming and comfortable. That lack of experience with a regular group also may make it harder to fit in with a group once she finds one and may keep her in a less powerful position in the group, continuing to feel marginalized. Many women report their primary response to such negative incidents is to ignore them or tolerate them, further highlighting the dilemma they face. While some of these incidents are easily dismissed, others have left lasting impressions. Female Gamer Voice: I have a tendency to ignore it at first. If the situation continues to bother me, then I will address it later with the person offending, if it is someone with whom I have regular contact…Heh – I can do it, speak up, for other people, just not myself. - 22-year-old who began playing in 1994

Female Gamer Voice: New group: I change groups, Regular group: I tell them openly and confidently what is wrong. But it has taken 2 or 3 years before being able to do so. Before that I just kept silent, which was of course, ineffective. - 36-year-old who began playing in 1982

Female Gamer Voice: Mostly ignore the offending parties, they are usually high school kids that don’t know much…My husband looming behind me helps too. - 25-year-old who began playing in 1996

Female Gaming Professional: I know that there are other women who have learned to tolerate it. I know I have to, because I live in a family with one stereotypical gamer,

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not my husband, thankyouverymuch, but I'm not very good at it. I also know some women who like it, and some that act just like the guys we've been talking about. - Samantha

Female Gamer Voice: Sometimes I get leered at/hit on at cons by creepy older men. Generally it’s not a real problem- they don’t try to touch me or follow me around. If they don’t seem to get the fact that I’m not interested from more subtle social cues, i.e. not flirting back, I try to politely tell them off, or just avoid them. - 30-year-old that began playing in 1991 Some women have found their voice and their power in the face of this. For some this has taken time and maturity. For others this comes through connection with other women and support. What becomes clear is they have developed a variety of responses and the wisdom of when to best utilize them. Female Gamer Voice: I have a very large and loyal group, including other very outspoken women. People learn quickly to not harass us after the first time because we present a united front and happily tell them to shove it before we shove it for them. - 20-year-old who began playing in 1993

Female Gamer Voice: So when I run into that particular sort of rudeness, which is typically from teenage boys, my response is along the lines of “I’ve been gaming longer than you’ve been alive” or “Why would I waste a perfectly good game on a teenage twerp like you?” - 37-year-old who began playing in 1980

Female Gamer Voice: Prove my abilities by using lingo, describing games, and if they’re not willing to listen or accept that a woman can be a DM, I walk away. It really depends so much on whether they are prepared to discuss or stick with their views and the chainmail bikinis. - 38-year-old who began playing in 1982

Female Gamer Voice: Walk away; they’re beneath contempt. Complain to convention organizers. Arrange to have them excluded from groups you’re GMing. In cases of unwanted sexual advances, applications of physical pain at pressure points, followed by

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formal complaint. Withdraw custom from said store followed by a letter to the owners giving the reasons why. Refuse to be invisible; don’t feel pressured to avoid feminine clothing, make it clear that you’re not automatically attached to a male, speak up with your own opinions. - 26-year-old who began playing in 1984 Perhaps those in the gaming industry have a different perspective or experiences on this issue. Perhaps faced with them daily, they have learned other ways to handle these situations. Male Gaming Professional: My perception is that there are more women involved in all aspects of the hobby and the industry, and that has led to a greater sensitivity among male designers. Outside the RPG industry, I am aware of a balance being achieved between genders. - Todd

Female Gaming Professional: First, my interaction with my close friends in the industry, most of whom are male, is not so sedate. We tell dirty jokes and swear like sailors when we’re together. Our behavior when we’re together seems to be generally oblivious to the gender difference, though we don’t consciously try to ignore it…I am in an industry made up almost entirely of men, so many of them don’t get a chance to work with women too often. The ones I have worked with have never made me feel judged or inferior. I do have a lot of industry men flirt with me, but it’s almost always in a harmless, and often even respectful, way. What I mean is that while I have had plenty of men in the industry flirt with me by giving compliments, seeking my attention, and inviting me places, they are almost never lewd, demeaning, or aggressive about it. For the most part, it tends to be very sweet, though that makes it even harder sometimes!…In my opinion, the men in the RPG industry are very respectful of women, though some are a little nervous or shy around them. - Cindi

Female Gaming Professional: Actually, the men of this industry have a tendency to treat the industry women and female gamers better than their male counterparts…The men are more attentive and more pleasant toward women than men. - Nikola ______Ally’s Story (Female Gaming Professional): When I first started, we were more or less regarded as being freaks. I only knew of about six women total in the whole American gaming

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industry. I was quite patronized sometimes for being young, and it was everything that the older guys didn't physically pat me on the head when speaking to me. They certainly did it verbally…I have been treated like an ignorant child, when I started I was 22, have been propositioned by men on countless occasions, especially at parties at conventions when they were drunk, have had drunken fools telling me that they have really been in love with me for the last 5 years, been patted on my rear end during business negotiations, and so on…We were stared at, followed around sometimes, plagued to death with personal gaming stories…My friend [edited] was either considered to be a lesbian by some, or sleeping with the C.E.O. when she was the president of [game company]…Plenty of professionals have wondered why a woman would even bother to deal with such an environment, which made them suspect us of being freaks, and I think that some men just felt threatened that their "good ol' boys club" was fading before their eyes. This creates an atmosphere where women should be cautions, aware of their surroundings, careful about what they say or do, and never do anything too overtly sexual in a professional environment unless they are prepared to deal with the consequences… I always plan very carefully and conscientiously what I will be wearing when I attend a trade show, convention, business meeting, and am very conscious of what I am wearing is saying about me. I am also very conscious about how I behave in "off hours" like only going out in groups and not alone with one man if I can help it to "protect" my reputation and give no grounds for wild rumors about me…Sometimes this irritated me, and sometimes I just accepted it as a sad fact of life. Sometimes I felt like these guys should have better things to do and that we would all be a lot better off if people were not so hung up on gender. A woman just has to be that much "better" than a man, which in a way is a good thing, as it keeps her from getting too placid about her position. Always having something to prove makes me, at least, always interested in learning more and performing better, and keeps me from getting too lethargic… Being accepted on a professional level as a woman was a big challenge. Being considered to be a woman that is physically attractive was usually a challenge to deal with, not bragging here, I have just had to accept that as a fact and deal with it. Learning to be tough and hard when necessary was a challenge and was hard, as that is not my nature. Learning that this industry can be tough and devious, and is not all fun and games was a tough lesson.

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I think that slowly the men are getting more used to having to deal with women on a professional basis, so it is less of a novelty, and thus we are beginning to have an easier time of it. Also I find that as the men get to know me better, after having seen me regularly for years, they slowly become more attuned to what I will tolerate and what I will not…I have built up my whole technique in dealing with people based on these advantages (of being a woman). I rely heavily on using small talk and exchange of personal information in gaining the confidence of the people that I am working with. If I think it suits the situation and is not TOO threatening then I have no problem with light flirting. It has helped me achieve results in the past. I am cheaper than a man to send to a convention because I rarely have to pay for my meals unless I make a big scene. I am automatically included in almost all professional gatherings in the evenings because someone is always looking out that I am not alone and thus "unprotected,” and also to add some diversity to the social gatherings because there are so few women. One of my favorites [techniques] is to pretend to be oblivious to sexual innuendos while, when in fact, I knew exactly what was going on. But I have also done extreme things like actually physically walking away in the middle of a conversation that was too much for me to handle. I also have one Swedish guy who has been a problem for years, and I handle him by being downright nasty slightly disguised as flirting. Or there is another guy, a French one, that I always throw completely outrageous and almost painfully truthful comments into our discussions to keep him insecure of me and what will come out of my mouth next. Or with some I play the bubblehead, and babble on about nonsense and let them think that I am willing to tell all sorts of things, when in reality I know exactly what I am doing. Or I stay in a group with whom I am comfortable, or I bring a man with me whom I trust, or I run away from one who is harassing me to one that I like…I have done all sorts of things, I guess. I am remembering that in my last outings amongst the American men at the GAMA convention and Gen Con I almost found them to be openly worse. The Europeans are, let's say, more subtle with their chauvinism. Also with the [company name] guys at a convention I often felt like not only their co-worker but their mother. I had to do everything and remind them of everything short of blowing their noses for them sometimes. They took the whole convention atmosphere much more light heartedly that I did. I was there to work, and they were there to play too…

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For me there have always been enough guys with whom I have felt accepted on all levels, and the benefits have always outweighed the drawbacks. Also I am stubborn and don't give up so easily…But I think that now, after there have been more women in positions of real power within the industry that it is much less of a disadvantage to be a woman in this industry than it used to be. ______Our journey to face the Beholder seems to have come to an ignominious end as the caverns end in an empty dead-end cave. The voice of the Guide begins to chant around us. “Where oh where has the Beholder gone? Where oh where has the Beholder gone?” It has a mocking tone that is only heightened further by the hollow echoes. The Guide suddenly appears before us, stalwartly standing behind his polished mirrored shield. ______How is it that these negative interactions and gender relationships continue to be present in gaming culture when it has such creative possibility to be something different? Where do we lay the responsibility? As noted by Mackay (2001), the game rules and setting, the media, and both the larger and local gaming culture, as well as particular players all have an impact upon the role-playing performance and may limit its supposedly infinite realm of possibilities into recreating fantasy versions of the reality the players live in. Furthermore, the recursive nature of interaction between the games and popular cultural referents complicates this limiting process. While each gamer and game group could imagine something completely different from the limitations of reality in which we exist, this rarely happens. Instead of imagining wildly new visions of how things could be, the same power structures and interactions generally get reconstructed in the fantasy worlds created and scenarios played out. Male Gamer Voice: I believe the games should stop inhibiting themselves. - 22-year-old who began playing in 2001 The fact, which we have encountered repeatedly, is that most game designers are men, writing for men. This reflects the larger world, a world where men remain predominantly in power and in which both men and women remained trapped by the structures and dynamics of gender and power by which we define ourselves. Much like many of us are complicit in some ways in the creation and maintenance of the sexism of the larger culture, the players do the same within gaming culture. While both male and female gamers could try to change this and imagine

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something different, each brings along the culture that they live and breathe and with which they are most familiar and comfortable. They by and large recreate that culture in the worlds they imagine, the games they play, the groups they form, the ways they interact with each other and in the discourses they create about their experiences. Most remain complicit in not challenging those structures and interactions or imagining something more, despite the freedom and power in the games to do so. Male Gamer Voice: Gaming is a genre that seems to carefully reflect other media – comic books, movies, television, and novels in particular. All but the third are mired in gender stereotypes, so it seems unlikely that gaming will get much better until the other media improve. - 27-year-old who began playing in 1987 ______The polished mirrored shield of the Guide reflects back to us our own faces. Our own visage stares back at us hostile, angry, frustrated, disappointed, confused, and searching. The realization slowly sinks in that sexism is in the Eye of the Beholder and we are the Beholder. The Guide slowly lowers the shield and nods in grim approval. “You have survived the encounter with the Beholder.” He takes our hand in his. “Time to find our way out.” A lightened feeling suffuses as we slowly begin to rise up through a previously unnoticed opening in the ceiling. ______Each step we take to challenge the sexism around us is a step toward freedom for both men and women, both in the larger world as in the mirrored world of gaming. The increasing number of women getting involved in gaming as players as well as in the industry seems to be having a positive influence on gender issues in gaming culture and this will likely have a continuing influence on the number of women who get involved in gaming. Many gamers advocate that just continuing to recruit women into the hobby will help the hobby to shift and become more inclusive, a trend that seems to have been happening already. Female Player Voice: The number one thing would be to find ways to get more women involved in the hobby. This is primarily a function of giving women an opportunity to try RPGing in a good group that is not sexist. There are thousands of women who are interested in the hobby, but don’t know how to start, are intimidated, or have been scared off by some bad experiences. - 29-year-old who began playing in 1982

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Female Player Voice: Female gamers need to take some initiative. Just getting involved in the RPG world, going to conventions, writing for gaming sites, DM-ing games, recruiting new players, will bring about a more natural change in the environment. - 31-year-old who began playing in 1995 Another step forward comes from suggestions that the only way for gender to no longer be such a divisive issue is for us to talk about it openly and work to increase gender awareness. If we could do so and truly tap the potential of gaming to imagine a different world we could begin to work together through the long hard process to change our attitudes, our prejudices, ourselves, and our world. Female Gamer Voice: Talk about it. As long as it will be an individual player, especially female, trying to convince a group or a club that sexism IS an issue, gaming will not change. The gaming media, convention, editors, etc. have to be involved. - 36-year-old who began playing in 1982

Female Gamer Voice: I think it’s part of the process is recognizing that gender equality in ALL aspects of life is happening, but it is a process that must take time. I think it would be helpful to point out issues or problems and take steps to correct it, but not to get defensive or strident about it or assume that if someone reacts a certain way or publishes something that they are deliberately being sexist…Individual efforts by men AND women – we have to work as individuals together. - 28-year-old who began playing in 1990 Acknowledging that there are things to be done to improve and that improvements continue to be made, we cannot forget that these are games and that the primary reasons people play is for fun and for the social connection. Male Gamer Voice: Try to remember that it’s just a game. - 24-year-old who began playing in 1989 But, just because it is a game, we also cannot forget that these games tap into the tremendous power of the imagination and of fantasy to connect us, to build empathy, and to transform us through play. As Watkins (2000) states,

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It seems as though the imaginal other is creating the self as much as the self is creating the imaginal other…From this point of view these imaginal others affect our interactions with “actual” others just as surely as the other way around (p. 70-71). Even though they may be just fun and games to some, these games and their imaginal encounters offer, however unlikely, the opportunity to imagine something more, something different, something better for all involved beyond the games themselves. Male Gamer Voice: Games exist in our imagination and I believe they must only provide the players tools with which they can be entertained, but also plant the seeds of ideas players can use to shape the “real” world. In an ideal world gender and race would be completely irrelevant to our actions. Game worlds can follow this ideal… I think games should quietly promote equality and let it slowly sink into those who play as opposed to an ‘in your face’ female slant which could put otherwise open-minded men on the defensive. - 31-year-old who began playing in 1987 ______Floating upward, we exit the dark labyrinth. Though we leave its fearsome sights behind, the visions remain with us. As we gently touch down once again to solid ground, the Guide turns “You have seen what lies in the Eye of the Beholder, through the eyes of the oppressor and the victim. Your eyes now are further trained for what lies ahead.” He begins to move his hands and fingers in strange patterns and gestures. The just barely audible words of incantation merge and flow with the patterns drawn in air. You can almost see a faint trace glow about his fingers and hands and the hair on your neck stands up with a tingle of energy and excitement. There is a rushing sound as the powerful spell washes over you taking you yet again.

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Chapter 5: Encounters at The Crossroads The tingling wash of magic fades away but can’t quite erase the unease from our encounter with the Beholder. Having passed beyond the guardian we find ourselves atop a rocky outcrop facing the last stop of our journey. The Guide’s sweeping grand gesture directs our vision. From this vantage point, it is impossible to miss the sheer number of roads, paths, and byways, both natural and artificial, which seem to merge in the enormous distant city below. Even from this distance, miniscule as the details are, it is impossible to not feel the ebb and flow of motion passing through it. “Crossroads. It is the place where all paths lead and cross and then move on. They say it is a place between past, present and future, a space between worlds, a nexus of the multiverse. No more wondrous place where one can find a little bit of everything, a place where things converge. It is a place where persons and creatures of all types can meet and interact in safety and comfort. It is a true center of the imagination. I welcome you.” We watch in wonder from this vista for a timeless moment. “Shall we away to your meeting? I have arranged just the perfect place.” He motions for us to follow him down the steep but well-worn path. Soon the path we walk merges with another and soon we are making our way across the vast plain toward the city. Each mile or so brings another merge into yet another larger path and before long we begin to encounter other travelers. Some seem no different from us. Some we readily recognize from stories, myths, and legends. Some are beings and creatures that seem wholly alien, so much so that that it is impossible not to gawk in surprise and then to wonder where each came from, where they are going, and what they could possibly be thinking about us, as different as we are from them. These increasing encounters distract us from the ongoing tread of feet. Though the trek may be many miles, they seem to melt away and soon we are surrounded by the flow of life streaming into the city through its massive ornate iron gate. If the beings here were not enough, you are stunned and a bit overwhelmed by the overload to your senses as you follow the Guide through the city, making your way to the arranged meeting place. Words cannot capture the sights, sounds, and melding of contrasting peoples, architecture, and cultures that this place seems to hold in some harmonious balance. ______The Crossroads is an apt metaphor for the experience of a role-playing game. Within the imaginary liminal space created in the experience of gaming, the popular culture world intersects

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with the imagined world of the game, the imaginations of each of the players intersects in the shared imaginary world they co-construct, and the person, player, and character aspect of each individual involved intersects with each of those facets of the others involved. These intersections are constantly being negotiated by the players and along with the powerful value of engrossment in character and the fantasy world create lasting connections between the players, tap emotions, and enliven the forms of popular culture out of which gaming arises (Mackay, 2001). The ability to grasp, invest in, and find entertainment value in such experiences points toward the importance of dialogical contact in those intersections. As Shotter (1999) points out in relation to the work of Bakhtin and Voloshinov, At that moment, when a speaker in one world turns from addressing those in another and invites their bridging of the gap thus created in their responsive rejoinders, a new world is created between them, with influences from the unique worlds of both participants and from their shared cultural worlds at work in it (p.75). Beyond this notion of cultural and dialogical intersection, at a much more psychological level, each player in the role playing game, becomes the intersection of person, player, and character (Fine, 1983) and engrossment in that experience is a crucial part of the experience of these games (Mackay, 2001). This level of intersection highlights two important aspects of this experience. This first is the possible notion of a dialogical and plural construction of self. Players often demonstrate this intersection in the way they refer to the actions of their characters in the first person and recount their tales. Such a plurality of experience often generates a stigmatization of gamers as “out of touch with reality” or “crazy” but as both Fine (1983) and Mackay (2001) clearly note these gamers are very much invested in clearly demarcating character and person or player and find great enjoyment in playing with those frames of experience and the intersection between them. This fits well with Cooper’s (1999) notion that a plurality of self “is characterized by playfulness” (p. 68). The second way this intersection of person, player, and character is deeply psychological lies in the archetypal nature of this experience and its accessing of the unconscious aspects of self. As Jung (1968) noted any expression of the unconscious is always and can only be experienced “as if” (p. 7). This is the heart of players’ relationship to their characters. They play “as if” they were their characters interacting in a fantasy world. Even the game master acts “as if” he or she were the other beings in that world and as arbiter of the world, “as if” he or she

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were god or goddess of that imaginary world. These characters often express mythic and heroic themes and genres. Furthermore, many players mention the ways that these characters sometimes seem to evolve and interact contrary to the intention of the player (Dyszelski, 1998). This speaks to the archetypal notion of the autonomy of the imaginal other, that these “others” are somehow, part of the person, connected to them, and yet in ways independent and autonomous, much like the autonomous experience of aspects of our own consciousness. Role- playing games offer an ideal location to explore the notion of a dialogical or plural self and of the ways that a game may become transformative to that self, as suggested in therapeutic uses of games (Hughes, 1988; Zayas & Lewis, 1986; Blackmon, 1994). They also offer a place to further explore Watkins’ (2000) notion of relativizing the ego and developing dialogues with the “imaginal others” who we encounter in our own consciousness and in our relationships to the world around us with the goal of healing, deepening, and transforming our sense of psyche. In moving beyond a notion of a singular, autonomous self toward one which is plural, dialogical, and multiple, the intrapersonal becomes interpersonal. Regardless of whether one sees self as a community, family, collective, or collection of internal characters, introjects, internal voices, parts of oneself, or imaginal others (Rowan and Cooper, 1999) the question of how those aspects of self relate to one another becomes central to our understanding of the self. The intersection between self and character also becomes the intersection between inner and outer lives. Those practices which inform and form our relationships between outer others mirror the relationships of the inner world of the dialogical, multiple self and noted by Watkins (2000). As Shotter discusses, Inside the multi-voiced dialogical world, then – if we open ourselves up to ‘entering into’ it, accept the ‘invitations’ to participate in it – the ‘inner lives’ of other living beings can become apparent to us…Even within ourselves…we can find the results of such spontaneously conducted inner dialogues at work on the boundaries between the others and othernesses within us (p.87). Hermans (1999) captures this process as an ability to imaginatively move fluidly between different positions as needed, noting the ways we talk with ourselves in the mirror, with photographs of others, with our conscience and with characters from books (p. 110).

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Watkins (2000) also traces out the development of an ego that can make such shifts by relativizing itself as only one of many autonomous imaginal others and then entering into relationship with the imaginal other. ______I am the most ardent people watcher who ever lived. I watch them inside me and out. Past and present can mingle with odd impositions in me. - Leto II in Frank Herbert’s God Emperor of Dune (1981, p. 28). ______As noted in the introduction to this study, such a pluralistic, dialogical, relational self is essentially adaptive in our current fast-paced, digital, post-modern world. According to Rappoport, Baumgardner, and Boone (1999) rapid change requires rapid ability to adapt and reinvent the self, not necessarily from whole cloth or “starting from scratch” but to have a collection of prepared alternatives to meet current situational demands. The ability to develop these alternatives and to shift to a plural construction of self goes beyond traditional notions of just playing a role. In general, perhaps the most conservative way to summarize the role-playing vs. plural self issue is by suggesting that they are probably coterminous rather than dichotomous. A role may initially be just that, but if it is internalized and becomes a reflexive, authentic pattern of thought and behavior definitive of the individual, it can become a separate self, or a semi-autonomous subpersonality. Nor is there any reason why such a transformation cannot involve more than role (Ibid., p. 102). They see the creation of a relatively stable set of alternative self-concepts as “an effective adjustment” in which “the person becomes free to shift from one to another, and/or consciously to negotiate priorities across the range of alternatives as circumstances may warrant” (Ibid., p.103). Beyond its adaptation to modern life, Hermans (1999) sees the transformative potential of this type of dialogical, plural self and the conflicts that may arise within it from different positions “as intrinsic to a healthy functioning of the self and as contributing to its innovation. Although multi-voicedness may be associated with anxiety or depression…the tension, contradiction, and opposition between voices express the self’s inherent capacity to create new and integrative constructions” (p. 128).

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Mick Cooper (1999) emphasizes the importance of a phenomenological exploration of self-plurality, noting, the need to move beyond “objective perspectives” from biological, cognitive, and social psychology into ones which explore the person’s subjective experience of that plurality (p. 51). In studying role-playing games, attention to the dialogical aspects of the relationship between self and character is just as crucial. Our central focus becomes how one develops and sustains such relationships and how player and character interface, interact, and engage with one another. By examining the ways that gamers understand this relationship between themselves as person /player and character, we may gain further insight into the notion of a multiple self. It is this goal that we set before us here at the Crossroads. By encountering directly the relationships between self and character, we hope to achieve several goals. First we wish to enhance our understanding of the experience of gaming. Secondly, we seek to explore some of the different constructions of these imaginal relationships between self and characters and how players develop and experience these relationships. Thirdly, we wish to enhance our understanding of the nature of the dialogical, multiple self and the possibilities and potentialities for transformation of self that may exist in playing with them through role-playing games. To achieve this end we come to the final and most complex encounters on our journey. We will be meeting with three different players and one of their characters. Each player initially agreed to three interviews, the first with them as player, a second interviewing them while playing one of their characters, and the third reflecting back on the interview process. Further details about these interviews are provided in Chapter 3 and the invitations, consent forms, and interview questions for this are provided in Appendices I – M. In keeping with the adventurous tone and presentation format, I have constructed from the interview series conducted with these players, the following encounters between the Interviewer and the players and their characters. There are three encounters in total, respectively entitled, “Worlds Apart”, “Fireballs”, and “Called.” Each encounter provides a unique sample of a relationship between self and character and the ways that relationship is conceptualized, negotiated, and maintained. Each also explores the value of this experience for these players within the context of their lives and experiences as women in gaming. The interview format is maintained in these encounters to allow them to be used in a performative presentation in which audience/readers can role-play these parts. It is hoped that this will create for the

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audience/reader/participant a more intimate connection with the experiences of these women and these characters and for those taking on the role of Interviewer to spark further reflection, questions, insights and directions to explore regarding these women’s experiences and perhaps their own experiences of self. Following each encounter will be a brief commentary on it. My intention is for the encounters to speak for themselves and so the commentary will serve only to highlight a few salient themes from the perspective of the researcher. In the style of performance ethnography, the reader is encouraged to develop her or his own conclusions from these encounters. ______The Crossroads Inn looks inviting warm and friendly despite its enormity and hodgepodge of incongruous architecture. You step inside and are greeted by more of the variety and diverse mixture of sights, sounds, and smells that have marked this unique space between worlds. Even here a variety of beings and creatures dine, drink, and converse. Without a pause, the bustle of this busy place continues around you. The Guide quickly shows us our way to a booth at the very back. Seated there is a youngish man, dressed in a blue shirt studded with white buttons and tan pants, before him a tablet of parchment and pen. He bears a stunning resemblance to the Grad Student we met earlier on our journey. The man smiles in greeting. “This is the Interviewer. I have arranged for you to attend while he meets with several pairs of beings here. While one half of each pair is from your world, each of the others hails from a different world. They have agreed to share their unique relationship across the worlds with the Interviewer and with you.” The Guide takes us to a nearby table. “You may sit here so as not to be disruptive or distracting. I have some other business to attend in preparing for you journey home.” ______“Worlds Apart” Interviewer: Welcome. Glad to see you made it. Thank you so much for agreeing to participate and coming here. It seems your counterpart has not yet arrived. Perhaps while we wait you could tell us a bit about yourself? Christine: Well my name is Christine. I am a married 36-year-old, college educated, Caucasian woman living and working in the US. I used to work in psychiatric facility but currently I’m a novelist. I began gaming back in 1981. I play biweekly. I’ve also gotten involved

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in collectible card games, role-playing simulation and training and historical reenactment. Outside of gaming I like to read, watch television and movies, listen to music, socialize and collecting. Interviewer: Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming within the context of your life? Christine: I was introduced to role-playing games [RPGs] by my mother and her friends. Mom came home one day and said that P [edit] and D [edited] had gotten into a really neat new sort of game, and would we like to try? I was 14 at the time. We went to P [edited] and D's [edited] house, rolled up D&D characters, and played a short game. On the way home, we stopped at a store, and Mom purchased the D&D boxed starter set. She placed it into my hands and said that if D [edited] could do that, so could I. For the next few years, we both played in D's [edited] game along with his wife, their sons, and some other of their adult friends. I also ran games of my own for Mom and my siblings, as well as my friends at school. Interviewer: It sounds like your mother was very supportive and encouraging in your development as a gamer, especially in putting a lot of faith in your skills and abilities to run a game? Christine: Yes, absolutely. The great thing about my mother was that she never really pressured us about what we should be doing. Only that whatever we did, she wanted us to enjoy it, and do it well. She worked hard to take care of my brother and sister and me after the divorce, and I think that all she ever wished for us was that we'd be happy in whatever we chose to do. It was a natural thing for me, gaming. As a younger kid, I'd spent most of my time making up elaborate story scenarios for my dolls and toy animals, or being the one to come up with rules for games that the other neighborhood kids and I would play together. I'd been a voracious reader my entire life, and was already trying my hand at writing when gaming came along. Interviewer: You mention gaming as a sort of "natural" progression from your early childhood imaginal play. Could you say more about what you enjoyed about such play and why you remain involved in it as an adult? Christine: I was always coming up with complex and involved stories for my little plastic animals to live out, in a made-up world that existed in a corner of the front yard. I dug

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out a river, set up rocks and roads and caves for them to live in, and it became a kingdom. I even mapped it when I was about ten, my first-ever game-world type of map. My Barbies and other dolls lived complicated lives too…I remember that I had two Dorothy dolls from The Wizard of Oz, one who had lost a foot, the other whose hair was unbraided and a huge knotted mess. They were twins, and had run away from the Lone Ranger doll, who was their evil stepfather. Interviewer: Could you flesh out a bit more of "how" you practiced to develop this skill? Perhaps some provide some examples? Christine: I really don't know how to explain it ... I never consciously set out to develop it as a skill. It's probably because of those plastic toy animals…I used to have them carry on conversations. Interviewer: Would it be accurate to say then that the skill developed through engaging in dialogue and some sort of relationship with and between these imaginal characters and toys? Christine: Yes. It just continued on into writing, and gaming. I've also always had a peripheral interest in theater. School plays, drama club, that sort of thing. Interviewer: Your imaginal play sounds very rich and developed as a child. What purpose do you think such play serves? Christine: I think that anything to encourage imagination and creativity is a great thing. I much preferred the active role of coming up with my own stories to other forms of more passive entertainment, which isn't to say that I didn't watch/read my fair share of television/books! I got into the habit of it, and it's just never left me. Interviewer: So getting back to your history of gaming. What games and systems have you played over time, what different gaming groups you were involved in over time? Christine: I've played quite a few systems over the years, especially in college. Among them: D&D, AD&D, Gamma World, Villains & Vilgilantes, Champions, Traveller 2300, ElfQuest, and Vampire: The Masquerade. But my main system of choice is GURPS, and has been since the late 1980's. I've played and run GURPS almost exclusively since then. In high school and college, I would game at least once a week. I was a member of the [edited] University Fantasy Gamer's Guild for five years. The Guild met every Friday night, and often our group would get together for Saturday games as well. A typical

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Guild session went from 8 to midnight, while the Saturday games might be marathon 12- hour sessions. Interviewer: What has been the impact of gaming on your life? Christine: Gaming has had a huge impact on every aspect of my life. I met my husband and my two closest friends in that college gaming club. And yep, I'm an author. Six fantasy novels in print, one horror that just came out, and the first in my series of kids' books is at the printer even as I type this. I've also had a few short stories published. Even been nominated for an Origins Award for one! That was an unbelievable rush. I've made many great connections over the years -- my first three books have forewords by Steve Jackson, John Kovalic, and James Ernest. When our daughter was born, my husband and I chose to name her after two NPCs in one of my longer-running games. Her middle name [edited] was taken from a GURPS module that I incorporated into my campaign. Interviewer: So would it be accurate to say that gaming is such a big part of your family and social life that it would be hard to imagine not doing it? Christine: It certainly would. We haven't been able to have our regular game for a while now, between one of our usual players being away and me having to undergo surgery, and the lack of it is really starting to affect us. We miss it terribly. Interviewer: Have you had any experiences with game mastering? Christine: I have always preferred being a GM over being a player. I enjoy world-building, designing adventures, and coming up with storyline twists to intrigue and confound the players. Interviewer: Could you elaborate further on what you like about the role of GM over player? Christine: I think it's the same facet of my personality that makes me a horrible writing collaborator. I have tried to take part in shared-universes or writing with a partner, and it's always a miserable experience. I'm a control freak. I like to be in charge, I like to know what's going on. I enjoy putting others (the players) through the puzzles and mysteries, while I don't like doing such things myself. Interviewer: How do you handle your desire for being in control when you are a player and not a GM?

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Christine: Not very gracefully ... . Which is why I don't play often. I have only been a player instead of a GM maybe three times in the past five years, and two of those times were one-shot adventures. Interviewer: What do you find so enjoyable, or necessary, about being in control? Christine: Well, to be all Freudian and go back to my childhood, it's probably because I was put in charge of my younger siblings from an early age, was the leader of the other neighborhood kids in our play, and basically because I'm pushy and want things my own way all the time. Interviewer: Any highpoints, lowpoints, major transitions, challenges and thrills in your gaming experiences? Christine: For me, the high points of the game are whenever the players get so into character, and so involved, that the game takes on a new level of intensity and reality. I love the social and emotional interaction. My personal low point is getting bogged down in combat. I'm not quick with numbers, and I hate having to stop the action to consult the rulebook and see if something's 'possible.' Interviewer: Could you describe what you mean, or give some examples, of this "new level of intensity and reality"? What is appealing about that? Christine: There have been times when players have broken down in tears and not because their pet character just bought the farm, either; I'm talking about grief for an NPC [Non-player Character], or tears from simply being so overcome with emotion -- I once had an elven war hero make a heartfelt speech at the site of a destroyed town, and choked up the entire party. In our everyday lives, we don't often experience the extreme highs and lows of intense emotion. We don't have archenemies, or heroics, or fiery romances, well, not very often. If gaming is a vicarious thrill, then for me and the people I game with, the thrill has a lot more to do with emotions than with hacking and slashing. Interviewer: How does that deeper level of intensity and emotional involvement evolve and get maintained? Why do you think we tend to lack or not experience such emotional intensity in "real life"? Christine: I think part of it is because the group I game with, we've all known each other for 15 years and have a very good sense of what makes each other tick. I know how to hit their buttons and get a reaction. And since we all tend to be so repressed and controlled in real

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life, we consciously look for ways of expressing and experiencing emotions that we might not otherwise. In a game setting, it's safer to let go in that way. It's cathartic. Interviewer: Why do you think of people as being so repressed and controlled in real life? Christine: We're trained into it, into the 'right' ways that we should think and feel and behave. Even if the training's never overt, it's there in the media, in the attitudes of others, all around us. Being able to get around that, without real-life consequences, is appealing. Interviewer: Would it be accurate to say that the shared history of your group helps to build the intensity? Christine: Yes. We've been through a lot together, in-game and out. Interviewer: Do you think that level of intensity has an impact on the closeness of the group and why it has sustained all these years? Christine: Again, yes...it works both ways. The closeness among the characters, the shared vicarious experiences, strengthens the bonds between the players. Interviewer: What keeps you playing RPGs? Christine: After doing it for over 20 years, it'd be a hard habit to break! T [husband] and I both enjoy it, we enjoy teaching it to our daughter, and it's something we still share with our friends. Also, as a writer, I set my fantasy novels in the same world as my game campaigns, and so the more I develop the world, the better it is for both. Interviewer: Speaking of that other world, it seems your counterpart has not yet joined us. While we are waiting, perhaps you could tell me something about her? Christine: Kai Tilanne, an NPC in my current game and also the main character in my 5th novel. She is from a militant and fanatic society of elves, and was named as heir to a dying knight. This went against the conventions of her people, so to fulfill this unexpected destiny, Tilanne had to give up her hopes of love and family to pursue the knighthood. As Tilanne is warrior-priestess of a dark elven god, she is totally committed to her faith. I was raised with, and still have, no religion, so I find playing Tilanne to be an enjoyable challenge. Her intensity, too, is compelling to me. Interviewer: How did Kai develop as a character from origin to where she is now? Christine: She first appeared as a minor character in my second book. The adventurers were attacking a dark elf fortress. She was the daughter of one of the dark elf guards, and

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when the warrior-priest leader of the fort was in trouble, she was the only one to go to his aid. I knew, even as I was writing that scene, that she'd be turning up again. Interviewer: When you were writing about her, how did you "know" she would turn up again? Christine: She just stood out. A minor character, but with so much potential for interesting development. Interviewer: What was it about her that suggested the potential for development over other characters? Christine: She was interesting. She had guts. She ran toward the problem instead of fleeing. In a movie, game, or book, you can always tell the main characters because they're the ones running toward the problem. Interviewer: It sounds like she was bigger than the part you originally created for her? Christine: Yes. I knew right away that I'd want to go back and learn more about her. Interviewer: Could you say more about your interactions and connection to her? Christine: Playing the character of Kai Tilanne has been a unique and educational experience for me because Tilanne is a warrior-priest, extremely devout and secure in her faith. To the point of fanaticism, really. Having been raised without any religious background, it was a challenge to get into her head and play her believably. Interviewer: It sounds like Kai is quite different from you in some ways. How has playing her affected you personally? Any examples? Christine: Kai Tilanne has made me think a lot about my own attitudes toward religion, and also eugenics. Her people are elven supremacists who feel that all the "lesser" races should be exterminated or enslaved. She is extremely stubborn, or maybe call it devout, but she's also not as willing to think for herself. She accepts the doctrine, obeys it blindly, and that is something I have a very hard time doing. Interviewer: How would you describe your relationship with this character? Christine: I don't imagine we'd be very good friends, even getting past the fact that I, in her eyes, am a lowly and vile human. I'm too likely to question, to not accept things on faith, while that's what she is all about. Interviewer: Perhaps some of that is part of why she has not yet come to this meeting. So it sounds like she provides a counterpoint to your typical ways of reacting/responding and to your ways of thinking about religion. Is that accurate?

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Christine: Yes, by making myself play a character whose behavior and beliefs are so different from my own. Interviewer: Are there other ways she "affects" or relates to your daily life? Christine: Only in that I think more about how and why I react to various issues. Interviewer: What sorts of "issues" does she make you consider? Christine: What my personal feelings are about spiritual matters, religion, philosophy. Interviewer: Would you mind sharing some of those thoughts and feelings and how playing this character makes you consider them or has affected or changed your thoughts and feelings? Christine: It's very challenging. Kai Tilanne is deeply into her religion, and draws her strength from her faith. I have a hard time, personally, trusting anything I can't verify with my own mind or senses. I distrust the motives behind organized religions. I'm cynical. It's hard for me to set that part of myself away and play/write a character like Tilanne seriously. I don't want her to come across as a raving loony fanatic. Playing her has become more difficult with a friend of mine having made a personal life choice of a religious nature that I find highly dubious and worrisome. She's a player in my game, and I worry about offending her by bringing up religious issues. Interviewer: Would it be accurate to say that Kai perhaps allowed you a way to indirectly deal with or empathize with your friend and fellow player's religious choices? Christine: I don't think so ... because I've felt like it's been more of a problem. Having a game with religious overtones, with a GM who's agnostic at best, and a player who's just joined the Jehovah's Witnesses ... no, it's definitely been more of a problem. Interviewer: How has playing her been a problem in your group? I guess I am not understanding the conflict for you. Christine: It's a problem because one of our players is a devout religious person, and I am always uneasy that Tilanne, with her fanaticism, may offend this player. Interviewer: So its more your sense that by playing a fanatic it might push the wrong buttons with someone who has very strong and devout faith, almost as if you might be "mocking" them or their beliefs, especially if you were playing the character too strongly? Christine: Yes, that's certainly a big part of it.

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Interviewer: Still no sign of your counterpart. How common do you think such experiences as a character affecting one’s self are for people that game? Christine: Among the people I've played with, it seems to be pretty common. But we have a style of play that really emphasizes characterization. We put a lot of time and thought into background and personality, and our characters tend to last a long time. Interviewer: What other factors do you think contribute to creating such character effects on players? Christine: I think it depends on the player, but in general I consider it a good thing if it challenges the way people have been taught to think or believe, and encourage them to make their own decisions. Being put in someone else's shoes, having to make decisions that affect the lives even imaginary of others is a big responsibility. It should affect people. Interviewer: It sounds like consequences for actions/decisions even imaginary ones are a key part in these kind of character/player impacts? Christine: Yes, got to have consequences! Interviewer: In your experience, how does playing a character challenge someone's thinking or beliefs? Christine: It requires being able to react and behave differently, which can challenge previously-held views. Interviewer: What player factors do you think influence this "character effect" occurring? Christine: Player personality, a willingness to try something different. A lot of players will create what's essentially the same character in every game, but the ones who enjoy creating diverse characters seem to do better and overall have more fun. Interviewer: What personality factors do you think play a part in this? Christine: Creativity, flexibility, intuition. Interviewer: Do you have a sense of how playing from different perspectives impacts your sense of self? Christine: It doesn't really affect how I see myself, but I am interested in trying to understand what makes other people behave the way that they do. By playing diverse characters, it helps me to move toward that understanding. Interviewer: What are the upsides, if any, of this for you? Downsides, if any, for you?

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Christine: Collecting and clutter. My poor sister-in-law had a character who fell in love with a pirate, and she kind of got into pirates after, and everyone started giving her presents with a pirate theme. My husband, the same thing only with foxes on his character's coat of arms. My best friend, the same thing with phoenixes. That's the main downside, at least in our circle. Interviewer: Any upsides to such character effects? Other downsides? Christine: I think it's good to develop a bond with a character. Not too close of a bond, not the unhealthy obsessive kind that the anti-gamers like to tout in their scare tactics. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on how you make the distinction between a "bond" and "the unhealthy obsessive kind"? Any examples? Christine: The unhealthy ones would be the scare tactics in the booklets that the anti-gaming orgs put out. The ones about the kids who commit suicide when a favorite character dies, or kill their parents because they want to be like real vampires. I've never personally known anyone like that. The whole Mazes and Monsters thing ... or John Coyne's book, Hobgoblin, about the kid who goes crazy when his father and his long-running paladin get killed on the same day. In general, while gamers may not be the most socially savvy group on the planet, they're statistically less likely to suffer mental illnesses. Interviewer: It sounds like you have never really seen this "obsessive kind." How would you know if you or a fellow gamer was heading that way? Christine: It'd have to be instinct. I spent five years studying psychology and thirteen working in a psychiatric facility, and have just developed a sense for when someone's starting to get wonky. Interviewer: Why do you think gaming serves as a protection from mental illness? Christine: Not mental illness specifically, since there's a hefty genetic and environmental component to that ... but I do think that gamers are overall at less risk for suicidal behavior. The classic suicide attempt comes because the person cannot see any other way of solving his or her problems. While gaming, in any form, is about problem solving. Suicides are often loners, while gaming is a social activity. And gaming provides escapism, a chance to get away from the things that are depressing and stressful for a while.

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Interviewer: Could you please describe in detail your process for "getting into character"? What helps you to "stay in character"? What prevents that? Christine: When I am gearing up to run my game, I will go over my notes of previous sessions and skim through the game calendar to see what's been going on. I occasionally listen to some music -- if it's going to be an action-packed adventure, I love the "Escape from the Tavern" bit from the Willow soundtrack, for instance. What breaks the game mood most these days is being interrupted by my daughter. Either she wants to play, or she needs something from the kitchen. Interviewer: What helps you to bring characters to mind and keep them there and yet keep them distinct especially when playing multiple ones simultaneously? Christine: Years of practice ... I wouldn't know how else to explain it. Since, being the GM, I often have to shift between characters in the same session or even in the same conversation, or even carry out conversations between NPCs, I have to keep them both in my mind. Having distinct speech patterns or other habits for them helps. Interviewer: How do you develop your character concepts and then bring them to life? Christine: I like to think about odd little twists and personality quirks, and how they might affect a character's behavior. Motivation is always crucial -- what the character wants and how to get it, how far to go, what lines not to cross. Explanations for why a character would develop a certain way -- what was the childhood like? Hey, I was a psych major, I can't help it! Interviewer: It sounds like you get a quirk or trait or background or motivation in your minds eye and then develop the character from that. Could you expand a bit more on how this process happens for you? Christine: I'll think of an odd twist or trait, maybe something that I've seen in a real person or in a character in a book, and see what sort of other characteristics I can build around it. Whenever I watch television, or read a book, I store away little nuggets of information. It's like a big character database in my head. Interviewer: How do these collections of traits get "fit together" and "gel" into developed characters? Christine: Sometimes, it happens on paper. I'll write out the character sheet and see how the personality, abilities, and skills look, how they seem to work. Some things naturally

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seem to go together. Some don't, but even those contradictions can make for interesting characters. Interviewer: Would you describe it as a process of you pulling the pieces together even the contradictory ones or is it something different? Christine: That works. Or testing to see what pieces fit, and adjusting them accordingly. Interviewer: What process do you use to help play characters that are "different" from you? Christine: By thinking as much as I can about who they are and what makes them tick, what their culture is like, how they're different. Interviewer: Do you typically play a kind of character or characters with similar qualities and if so why? Christine: When I play in someone else's game, I am usually drawn toward the light fighter type, the thief, the ranger. Someone who can move quickly and be creative. I rarely play spellcasters, especially in an unfamiliar system, because I don't want to spend all my time looking through books to see what I can do. I also avoid priests and paladins because of a personal distrust of organized religions. Interviewer: What do you enjoy about characters that can "move quickly and be creative"? Why do you think they appeal to you? Christine: Because I am a quick-minded, creative person by nature. I like coming up with different approaches to problems. I don't like being weighed down or boxed in by armor, by strict spellcasting rules, etc. Interviewer: Are there particular images or character types that appeal to you more as a woman? To female gamers in general? Christine: I think that in general, female gamers are more likely to play characters other than the heavy fighter or super martial artist type. I know that I prefer versatility. But I have known plenty of women -- my mother included -- who greatly enjoyed playing the party brick. Interviewer: Why do you think those preferences exist? Christine: Possibly because, in general on the average, women aren't as physically strong as men and so they would have to develop other specialties in order to be effective. Interviewer: So is it accurate to say that women have had to learn other methods of dealing with conflict that don't involved direct brutal use of force due to their lack of physical

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superiority on the average and that this has impacts on their choice of characters and style of play? Christine: I think so, yes Interviewer: Are there other typical female character roles or types you've seen in gaming? Christine: The Mommy (healer/cleric /druid) whose whole purpose seems to be to patch up the others. The Evil Sorceress (though she's usually a slut too, or at least a deadly alluring sexpot black widow type). The Red Sonja -- all-tough fighter type trying to act like a man (albeit a man in a chainmail bra, go figure). Interviewer: So I hear a developing list of character types/role-models/archetypes here...virgin, whore/slut, mother/caretaker, femme fatale, masculine warrior. Are there others that come to mind? Christine: The wise woman/crone is the only other one I can think of. Interviewer: Thinking more specifically in terms of heroes, are there any uniquely feminine hero-types? Christine: Not in the Joseph Campbell heroic tradition, not specifically feminine. Unless it's the mother defending her child. Interviewer: Could you say more about this heroic mother hero? Christine: Demeter. She loses her daughter to Hades. A male hero would have gone charging down there, beating up Cerberus and the Furies, kicking shades from Elysium to Olympus. Demeter went for diplomacy first (asking Zeus), then lashed out in her own way. Nobody would help her? Nobody would bring her daughter back? Fine ... let the world starve! Interviewer: So it sounds like this hero style tends to use diplomacy and then more active/forceful feminine power. What are some other examples of feminine power? Christine: Deception -- the woman who dresses as a man (from Anne Bonny and Mary Read of pirate fame to Mulan in the Disney cartoon); by proving themselves just as capable on the level playing field. Seduction -- Milady deWinter in "The Three Musketeers," any Mae West movie. Interviewer: Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you play games? How so? Christine: I know that I am much more interested in the social aspects of gaming than the mechanical/numbers aspect. And that is a traditionally more female approach. More

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storytelling, less hack and slash. But even I get the urge occasionally to forget about the sociopolitical intrigues of the elvenking's court and send them on a good old-fashioned dungeon crawl. Interviewer: Why do you think focus on social aspects and storytelling over mechanic/numbers is a more traditionally female approach? Christine: Heck, that schism goes back to the caveman days. Early men were required to pay attention to those sorts of details, because their very lives depended on it. They had to know how far they could throw a spear, and where they'd have to hit to bring down that bison, and if they screwed it up, they'd get gored and trampled to death. Meanwhile, the women were responsible for the social life of the tribe. I think it's part of our basic natural encoding, which can be gotten past with practice and learning, but there is an instinctual factor to consider. Interviewer: So would it be accurate to say that you see it as part of our biology/instinct but that it is malleable through experience/learning? Christine: Yes, being able to overcome biological urges through intellect and socialization. Interviewer: How do you balance intrigue/politics vs. combat elements in your own gaming? Christine: That's where it comes to observing the players, and having a feel for what they like to see happen. What they want. Not that I cater to them entirely, no, but I have a sense for it when they start feeling that there's been too much time spent on court intrigue and they need a good fight to clear their heads. Or vice versa. The players also do have a certain amount of control. While I am a self-admitted obsessive control freak, I find that I really dislike campaigns and adventures in which the players have no say. Interviewer: How do you achieve that sense of balance a between game elements and issues of control? Christine: By trying to be perceptive and aware of what the players want, and comparing that to what would logically, plausibly happen in the game. It's important to give the players enough of what they want to keep them happy, while not so much of what they want as to make them feel unchallenged. Interviewer: Do you think this style of gaming is more appealing to either gender as players and/or as GMs? Why or why not?

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Christine: I only know that it works for my group, and I think it has more to do with personality than with gender. Interviewer: What kind of personality factors does this style appeal to? What kind of personality does it not appeal to? Christine: The kind ... well, that it appeals to. The people who are looking more for roleplaying and social interaction in a game than just numbers and die-rolling and the character power trip. Interviewer: What kinds of personality traits do people interested in this style of gaming, role- playing and interaction, exhibit that are different from those into the other style, die rolling and power tripping? Christine: In my experience, they're more imaginative, more articulate, more willing to try something new. A male server approaches the table with a note. “Sorry to interrupt but a messenger just brought this for you.” He hands the parchment to the Interviewer. A concerned look crosses his face as he reads. Interviewer: It seems that Kai will not be able to attend. Christine: That does not surprise me. I am very sorry about this, but I am unable to share the same space with her. It is nothing against you or your project. I just cannot do it and apparently neither can she. I am sorry to have wasted your time.” Christine stands in a rush and heads for the door. “I hope you can still use something of this.” The Interviewer rises in a feeble gesture to stop her, but it is clearly too late. He sits down and slumps into the booth, head cupped in his hands as she leaves. ______“Worlds Apart” Commentary Initially this interview resulted in disappointment and frustration for me. After what had been an excellent start to our interview process, as we were about to begin the interview series with Kai Tilanne, Christine wrote me an email which in addition to noting increased time demands for her career, indicated that she would be unable to continue with the interviews. She noted that to do so would violate her sense of the character and no amount of imagination or role-playing could get her to take Kai Tilanne’s perspective on Christine’s life and experiences. She apologized and wished me luck on continuing with the project.

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I was confused and frustrated but tried to make some sense out of it. This was certainly violating my expectations of the relationship between self and character and left me considering dropping this case from the project. But she had taken the time and energy to make it through the first interview. Why did she give up? My first inclination was to think that despite being an author Christine was being very unimaginative and stubborn. I quickly tied this to her comments that she liked to be in control and how that led her to being a game master more than a player and was part of her enjoyment of being an author. I thought perhaps she was just very rigid. Christine had noted how playing Kai Tilanne had become more problematic for her and that they likely wouldn’t get along. She noted it was hard to “set that part of myself away” and play Kai Tilanne. I also remembered her comments, typical for gamers about crossing the lines between fantasy and reality. Perhaps what I was asking was asking her to cross that line; that taking on her character’s view on her life just felt too “wonky” and stirred too many doubts for her. Perhaps she thought my whole project was a bit “wonky” and that was the “raving loony.” But she had not said that about me or the project. I thought perhaps that her lack of trust in things beyond her senses was limiting her imagination and that she was just being very controlling about keeping her character and her self very separated, in fact, worlds apart. The more however I thought about it, these explanations just didn’t hold up. What did she mean that having Kai Tilanne reflect on Christine would violate her sense of the character? She had stressed the depth of characterization that her group valued. She had acknowledged the way the Kai Tilanne seemed to have a depth and autonomy for her in the way she went from secondary character to main character in the novel and in Christine’s world. She had spoken at length about how Kai Tilanne’s beliefs being so radically different from her own had provided an alternative perspective on some deeply personal issues of spirituality, religion, and philosophy. She talked about the importance of a bond with the character. She noted how having to react and behave differently as a character could challenge one’s previously held views. I struggled to put myself into her perspective when it suddenly hit me. She is respecting the character at a very deep level. She is recognizing that for that character to have its own perspective and view, she could not bring their two very different worlds and experiences together. To have Kai Tilanne reflect on Christine would very much violate their individuality

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and separateness and would blur them too much. I also recognized that as an author, it would be essential to her as well to respect her characters at this kind of deep level. Kai was not only a character for a game, she was an essential part of Christine’s livelihood as a writer. Why then would she risk their unique relationship in a way that might jeopardize her career? Keeping those worlds apart was crucial to her career. This perspective really seemed to fit well with my sense of Christine and allowed me to shift my own frame substantially. This is always the challenge of a qualitative method, to listen carefully to the stories that don’t seem to fit easily. By challenging my expectations that players would be able to relate to their characters in a similar way and be able to imaginatively play their characters reflecting on their lives, it revealed to me the way I was imposing my experiences onto them rather than listening to their unique relationships. By realizing that, I was open and able to listen more carefully to the remaining encounters and found a different way of understanding the connection between character and self. Being challenged as an interviewer to really take on that different perspective also highlights another another point Christine makes about the power of gaming. Much as that different perspective challenged me, it moved me toward better understanding of this different way of relating to characters. Christine noted that the experience of playing different characters less affected her sense of self, but had more effect on her ability to understand what makes others behave as they do. This seems to be the real social and interpersonal power of such imaginal encounters. ______This person of my name…finds other voices in his mind, other names and other places. Oh, I promise you that I answer to but a single name…Sufferance makes this true, sufferance and one thing more: I hold the threads! - Leto II in Frank Herbert’s God Emperor of Dune (1981, p. 13). ______“Fireballs” A woman in her twenties wanders in and quickly spots the Interviewer. He waves in recognition and greets Jennifer with a friendly “Hello and welcome” as he gestures for her to have a seat. Just a few moments later, a tall human female with straight long dark hair, dark eyes, and jet-black skin approaches. She appears to be a mage of some sort by her garb, though

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her strong lean build is reminiscent of the Massai warriors of Africa. She appears to be in her thirties. The Interviewer offers her a friendly “Welcome. Glad to see you made it. I’m excited to hear what you have to say.” With a pleasant nod of greeting to him and the other woman, she sits down next to Jennifer. Interviewer: Thank you so much for agreeing to participate and coming here. I’m very excited to hear what you both have to say. Before we begin I want to remind you that your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer”. Jennifer: Registered, noted with the side comment that the Data Protection Act sucks. Interviewer: Acknowledged. Siv: And I, in turn, promise to warn you if any questions provoke a desire to fireball you. Interviewer: Fair enough...do I get at least a two-step run if one does? Siv: Everyone gets a thirty-count head start - I'm a reasonable person. Interviewer: So let’s begin with telling a bit about yourself. Jennifer: I am a 26-year-old Caucasian female, living in the UK with my other half. He is also a gamer. I have a master’s degree and work in an executive management position. I first stared gaming in 1984. Siv: I’m a mage from Ashmolea, northern Ashmolea to be specific. I'm about 7 years older than she is. Intervierwer: Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming within the context of your life? Jennifer: I was involved in role-playing, interactive theatre, reenactment, murder mysteries, from about that age of 3. My mother felt strongly about children using their imagination and developing empathy for others. I didn't encounter actual rules and a codified system until I was about 7. I can't be exact, because I can't remember what year the Fighting Fantasy game books came out - but it was then. Interviewer: I am not familiar with Fighting Fantasy...could you explain what that is? Jennifer: They are a series of 'pick-a-path' style adventures, where you create an adventurer character to go through solo scenarios. They predate others such as Grailquest, the

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Tunnels and Trolls game books. They have a rules system that could be used to design your own adventures, with special rules for group play with a gamesmaster. The first system I got to play and run as opposed to just read was actually originally given to my brother the Christmas I was 8 - he didn't want it, so I read it and began running games for friends in lunch breaks at school. There were no others with game systems around, so I didn't get to play a game, as opposed to GM, for another eight years or so, when an after- school games club was started. Siv: Frankly I have real problems with this 'gaming' idea. It suggests that reality isn't confusing enough as it is. I mean, life's dangerous enough without pretending you're having adventures. She was always reading books. For no reason other than fun - I was brought up to see books as something to use, not entertainment. But books, more books and the parents encouraged it. I have no idea what they wanted her to grow up into, but they didn't seem to mind if she spent her spare time on another world. Interviewer: So her focus on books and imagining adventures seemed kind of silly or at least less than functional or productive to you? Siv: Less than functional. I know how dangerous all those things like magic and monsters really are, and these books never concentrated on the consequences of that kind of world. Interviewer: One more sideline before we return to your history...you mentioned that your mother was very invested in encouraging role-playing and developing empathy through using imagination...could you elaborate on that a bit more and how it influenced your involvement in gaming over the years? Jennifer: It meant that before I was even aware of the gaming hobby, I tended to think in character-driven terms. I also have no problems with both good and bad events happening to PCs and NPCs if it feels like a natural progression for that character. Interviewer: So even before you had the cognitive awareness of it, you were thinking about people and their interactions like a story or character in a story and that the events in their life were there as a way of developing their character? Jennifer: I had cognitive awareness of how plot and characters interact in good stories from excessive reading. I didn't know that gaming, as an activity existed; what we did was classed as theatre, improvisation or reenactment.

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Interviewer: Were those useful constructs for understanding your own life and the lives of those around you as well? Jennifer: But I wasn't quite so cold-blooded about life events when it came to real people - more the realization that personality was shaped by events. I was never big on the genetic programming side of the nature/nurture debate. Interviewer: I didn't mean to imply you were cold-blooded, but that narrative and character development were useful ways to think about the human condition and relationships. Jennifer: Human nature, yes. People tend to think along the lines of narrative convention, even when they intellectually know that life just doesn't work that way. What you learn is closer to how people expect things to work and think, rather than how they actually do. Interviewer: I got it...it is access to people's expectations, or perhaps images or fantasies of how the world/universe/life works that experience with narrative provides. Jennifer: Unfortunately the local library wouldn't let children into the reference section, so while I knew these concepts, I didn't have the verbal toolkit to express them at the time. Interviewer: But clearly you've developed it since. Siv: I think children have a very odd childhood in that world; first they're encouraged to 'grow up' and then the adults complain they grow up too fast. I'd have liked a safer environment and a longer childhood myself. Interviewer: So it seemed pretty unrealistic to you and disconnected from the consequences of really dealing with magic and monsters? and the childhood messages seem inconsistent...grow up quick but then try to stay young and long for your lost youth? Siv: Ridiculous if you ask me, but then they only last for eighty years or so. I expect to live out at least ten times that. Interviewer: So you have to take a more cautious stance to survive that long in a much more dangerous world? Why do you think that she was so invested in imagining adventures? Siv: Creativity's important; I couldn't be a mage if I only thought in straight lines. But it needs more direction. We have writers and poets; they deal with history or social commentary - directing their creative impulses. The only reason I can think of is that she found reality to always be the same. Some people imagine to escape a painful environment, she just seems to have been bored.

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Interviewer: So you see her world as being pretty boring and that creativity there is not connected to action in the world and so it finds its outlet in the need for such fanciful imaginings? Siv: Yes. The only outlets for creativity you have as a child are into the realms of fantasy - games with your friends, listening to stories - you don't yet have all your options available for expression. Of course, in a magical world you're not encouraged to imagine too much...it has a nasty tendency to become real. Interviewer: So would you say in her world imagination is disconnected from the "real world"? What happens to those outlets as people grow up in that world? Siv: Some of them keep looking into other worlds and manage to put it to use writing and acting. Others use it in a practical way, thinking new solutions to their problems. Some just never connect to reality and drift off. Interviewer: So how did you get involved in gaming? Perhaps the better question is how did she get connected to you and your life and adventures? Siv: About the same time as I entered my apprenticeship in the order, so she'd have been about eight. I know I said creative impulses needed direction, but what she got was a way of codifying a directing pretending to be someone else. This continued until she was seventeen, at which time she started playing me. Interviewer: Jennifer, it sounds like you got quite an early start in gaming and being a GM more than getting to just play? Jennifer: It was more a question of, if I didn't GM, nobody would have got to play. Most people when they think there's a choice will prefer to play. Interviewer: So in order to be able to play you had to take on the responsibility? Jennifer: Also, it allowed me to play a whole worldful of characters rather than just the one. I really enjoyed having to react and rewrite the plot as the players made decisions - more of a challenge than school class creative writing. Interviewer: So how does GMing differ, if it does, from just playing a character in terms of the depth of character and interaction you achieve? Jennifer: I don't consider that NPCs are necessarily lacking in depth and interaction - if they couldn't hold up personality-wise to any player character, then you might as well be

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playing a solo adventure or computer game. Yes, they're only 'on' for a short time, but if they aren't rounded, breathing characters then players get bored and won't interact. Interviewer: So it seems you take the time to make them rounded characters with histories and backgrounds even if the players won't necessarily find out or know all that? Like you need that to really make them come alive for the players? Jennifer: You can use archetypes for short cuts. I tend to watch people a lot. It is a bad habit I picked up as a child; when you're four no adult will talk to you properly so you just watch them, and over time you build up a mental file of personalities. You whip out an appropriate person, apply a name and run. Interviewer: Got it. You use your observations of the real world as a way to come up with short cuts for more "real" NPCs. Jennifer: Anyone they don't encounter in an adventure can be pillaged for spare parts for future campaigns, so no time gets wasted. Siv: She seemed to enjoy the storyteller role, but not the actual assertion of control over players - a waste of time if you ask me, because a doormat can only be so effective as a 'master' of any kind. There was a definite relish in approaching villains, evil beings and the insane. But I don't think she was like this in real life, perhaps the imaginings bled off real emotions. I was amused by her attempts to build props, but not in a malicious way. She's not and wasn't one of Nature's artists, but the enthusiasm with which a task was approached made you want her to succeed, and others would help. The end results made it clear she should concentrate on other areas. Interviewer: I sense a kind of harsh judgmental stance toward her...seeing her as trying to be a master when really a "doormat", bleeding off emotions through fantasies of more vicious characters and not being very skilled at building props. Siv: Yes, but all that energy focused into something that isn't even real. Interviewer: So it felt like a waste of energy and time to you? Siv: They spend so much time trying to experience the dreams that they often miss what's really there. Interviewer: Sounds like by focusing too much on the imaginations they miss out on something. Could you give me an example?

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Siv: People in that world spend their time watching sports and scatological comedy. They donate millions to poor countries which they looted of all their means of making money and refuse to let them stop having to give all they do make away. They throw everything they can into helping homeless and abused animals, but ignore the children living on the streets and being abused by their parents. Interviewer: So their imagination and creativity gets wasted when it could be directed at these real problems? Why do you think that their imagination gets so diverted from and disconnected from their "real world"? Siv: They prefer to ignore the unpleasant things in life. So do we, but at least we have the excuse that our lives aren't as sheltered and safe to begin with. Interviewer: Interesting perspective. So, Jennifer, continuing on with your history... Jennifer: The first proper system I used was the 'Dragon Warriors' set. I preferred it over Tunnels and Trolls, the other big one at the time. D&D took a long time to be popular in this country. In Dragon Warriors you could bash in doors, kill monsters, take treasure - but you could also get involved in power politics, devious twisty plots and historical back story. I didn't go for D&D/AD&D at all until the 2nd edition set for Forgotten Realms came out - I've never enjoyed dungeon bashing beyond fun mindless entertainment. And then I discovered Call of Cthulhu (CoC). I'd been reading gothic fiction, and ended up with Lovecraftian Mythos fiction. The local librarian, by this time I was 9 we'd moved, and the new library didn't make children stay in the kid's area, told me about CoC and where to order it from. While I rarely play 'early' systems now, Dragon Warriors, Traveller Classic, d6 Star Wars are all only brought out for occasional nostalgia maybe only once or twice a year. Forgotten Realms/Ravenloft/Planescape are the AD&D settings I've stayed with since they came out. CoC is probably my most used system at the present time. Interviewer: So moving on to talk about the gaming groups you've been involved with over time...what were they like and what kinds of experiences did you have with them? Jennifer: At first, they were groups that got together specifically to play a game; these were the ones where I spent years acting as the sole GM. The other players were mainly boys; but I considered the bulk of my female schoolmates to be simpering idiots who wanted to shut off their brains.

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Interviewer: So it sounds like you didn't connect with your same-sex peers very much in terms of shared interest and values and found connection to male peers through gaming? Jennifer: Many of them fell into what I thought of as the 'Princess' category. If they had been abducted by an evil wizard and shut in a tower, then told that they had to wait until their One True Love, a handsome prince would rescue them, they'd have happily sat there for years, never thinking of escape, instead whether their prince would be blond or dark. Interviewer: There's that narrative conceptualization coming through. How did you see yourself as different from them? Jennifer: I had a different message coming through from my home life; my mother worked - and had a career, not just part-time at the local shop or as a play supervisor at the school. In my area, most families were a male breadwinner and a stay-at-home housewife. Girls tended to be lightly conditioned to see life as attracting a man, followed by marriage, followed by children, followed by a life as homemaker. I was simply asked 'what would you like to be?' by my parents - and then told 'well do it, then'. Siv: You people talk about equality of the sexes. We ARE equal. Still haven't solved to race issue, but both women and men can be fighters, priests, mages, scholars and so on. Interviewer: They were supportive and encouraging you to do more with your life than to "just" get a husband, make children. Jennifer: I had the example of my family to tell me that I could do both. Or either. Whatever I felt happy with. Understandably, my schoolmates' mothers considered me a subversive influence. Interviewer: So how did that affect your getting along with peers and how does that factor back into the relationships and connections you developed through gaming? Jennifer: I did have female friends, but they had their own personalities and drives rather than being mini-moms. The boys...I was only friends with the ones who thought for themselves. Forming gaming groups made ties stronger between those of us who played. It had the effect of producing a circle of people who all used their brains and intelligence - I'm not sure how much of this developed from game-learnt skills and how much was there to begin with. Interviewer: So you looked for independent and intelligent thinkers as friends and gaming helped to bond them into a group? Were there many females in your groups growing up?

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Jennifer: I looked for independent thinkers as friends. The actual level of intelligence was less important - that could always be developed over time, as long as the person was using what they had. But we did bond as groups. In school, we'd usually work together for project groups and other group work. There were usually one or two girls in the early groups, but at about high school age, 13 or 14, they all stopped playing and I became the only female in the group. Interviewer: What was that like, to have the other girls depart and to be the only female left playing? Jennifer: Threatening at first, but these boys in the group had known me for years, so gender was sidelined as an issue. Since they weren't models of equal thinking, I always had the feeling that I'd become an honorary male for the duration. Also, a GM holds a lot of power in a small group - if they drove me away, one of them would have to take over. Interviewer: Threatening how? Jennifer: It would relate purely to my personal background here - I'm not sure any other female gamer would have my reasons. Interviewer: I am interested in your particular situation- not just looking to generalize. Jennifer: By this time, I had a serious fear/hate reaction going to most men. All could potentially move from 'safe' to 'unsafe' rapidly - and there was apprehension while I wondered if they'd switch categories once the other female players left. Interviewer: Thanks for sharing that. So it seems like then your status as GM and then as you put it, being made a "honorary male" helped to deal with that? Anything else help? Jennifer: It was the knowledge after a while that being a fellow gamer and a GM placed me a group which they didn't think of as conventionally female. Aside from that, I enjoyed several years of daily sexual harassment from male classmates - and nothing short of a rapidly executed right hook could deal with that sort of thing. Interviewer: So it was like you were a different classification of female? A gamer girl? and that gave you some sort of "protection" in the group? That and knowing how you handled other sexual harassment... Jennifer: I did try to have witnesses present for that reason, yes. Obviously not faculty member witnesses. Interviewer: Siv, what kinds of interactions have you had with her over the years?

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Siv: Mainly watching, except for about three years when she attempted to play me. Interviewer: So Jennifer, during the high school years you were the solo girl in the group...what next? Jennifer: I don't know how much you're aware if the UK school system, but high school finishes at 16. If you plan to go on to university, you then generally do two years of what we term 'sixth form' after the old age groupings in grammar school. Generally there's one sixth form college per town, and all high school students staying on go there. Interviewer: Thanks for clarifying that...I did not know that. Jennifer: It means that you get rid of a lot of people from school, and meet whole groups of new ones. I was able to bid farewell to all the males who'd molested, harassed and generally been downright unpleasant to me - the ones who stayed on were the normal types, and the new people didn't have the history that those guys did, so no problems with male contact at all. Because the course load for those two years is extremely heavy, everyone has the whole of Monday afternoons left free for 'activities' - clubs and societies laid on by the college. They had a long-standing gaming club. Interviewer: What was your experience like with that club? Jennifer: Positive. There were some members who felt that it should be a men-only hobby, but they were about 10% of the total - and didn't really enjoy roleplaying so much as CCGs (collectible card games) and board games. There was some prejudice still there; in two years I didn't GM for the college club at all. Somehow, somebody else always had a campaign or one-shot just ready to go. Interviewer: So it sounds like you were accepted there, but had lost some "status" and that there remained a small group that wanted gaming to be men only. Why do you think that was their attitude? Jennifer: They were quite nervous individuals; if they weren't worrying about their courses, it was about their driving lessons, or whether they'd get into a good university…to descend into pop-psych, they were probably very insecure in themselves so needed some form of 'strong' identity. An odd form of male bonding, but less antisocial than getting drunk and singing football songs. Siv: She was starting some intensive study years, and the college gave them an afternoon to relax in. They had an organized games session, where they could play card games, board

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games or pretend to be other people. None of the people she'd mixed with before joined, so this was a new group with totally new people. I might add that while they were exclusively male, they weren't, as previously, exclusively stupid. Interviewer: What was your impression of them as a group? Siv: As a group, they did not bond. They socialized as people as well as characters, but while it was done in friendship, there was no real camaraderie. They were joined by their hobby rather than anything else. This was mainly good for the game, as personal grievances didn't come to the table because there were few opportunities for said grievances to arise. Interviewer: Other observations from your years of watching her and her gaming groups? Siv: She doesn't integrate well into groups. This may be why she prefers to act as the games master instead of trying to join a team. Mainly, the players have been men and they either treat her with dismissal or as another man. I can't see the reason for putting up with the first kind; anyone where I come from who's stupid enough to underestimate a woman usually doesn't live through it. Interviewer: So how did you feel about the way she was being treated by these men, with dismissal or as a man? Siv: It confirmed a saying from your world: 'Little girls grow up into women. Little boys grow up into taller boys.' Interviewer: Other groups after that Jennifer? Jennifer: The university had a gaming society for students; again, no other women, but also again, no mention of gender. For the most part, the members preferred PC-driven gaming and had a fairly egalitarian attitude. I was only able to attend on a weekly basis for the first 2 years; then course load and other activities meant that it was easier to invite people round, or go to their houses, for one-shot or linked scenario-style campaigns. So after then, gaming weekends were common even if a regular weekly evening was not. By that time, I'd started going to conventions as well as a Vampire LARP [Live Action Role-playing] group. Interviewer: Siv, any other things you noticed from your observations before we move into discussing the time she attempted to play you? Siv: Aside from the gender divide, it was a very egalitarian hobby. All you needed was a pencil and paper. Someone was always willing to share dice, and it wasn't expected that

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everyone would own a copy of every single book. People loaned them around, and respected the belongings of others. Status came from knowledge and inventiveness, not ownership or status carried over from outside the group. Interviewer: So if things are generally so egalitarian, what gets in the ways of gender equality in the hobby? Siv: You have two attitudes. The attitude of the group and the individual members. Interviewer: Could you say more about those two attitudes? Siv: The group acts like a real adventuring party, in that they can put aside petty differences in search of a goal - in this case, having a good game. But they are just like an adventuring party in the sense that those petty differences come to the fore as soon as the immediate goal is not in jeopardy. Interviewer: So everyone can get along fine to have a good game but once that's going well and not threatened then the differences, like gender become much more salient? Siv: Gender, personal opinions, ambitions, pet theories, snack choices... Interviewer: Have you seen that gender becomes one of the more salient points of difference and why do you think that it is such a big deal in her world? Siv: If you are an accepted member of a group, the gender distinctions generally aren't expected to include you. It's a big deal because people don't like anything the threatens their ego personally - and it's easier to protect yourself by denigrating a whole section of that world rather than dealing with each source of pressure from that group. Incompetent women or men are not feared by the opposing gender, so if the whole group can be classed that way preemptively, then people feel safe. If both sexes are encouraged to achieve to their individual potential, you don't get the jealousy. Interviewer: Interesting. I'm seeing a trend in her world...a desire to remain safe and thus isolated, avoiding conflict and contact with the "real world", etc. Would that be accurate? And so if people focused more on working toward accepting each individual and helping them achieve their potential, there would be more safety and less need for petty oppressions, slandering, denigration of groups? Siv: If you could take most of the people in that world and isolate them their whole lives in enchanted dream-sleep, they wouldn't care as long as they liked the dreams. Only a

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minority of people actually want and enjoy real contact between people. Our world isn't perfect, but at least we encourage thinking about social problems. Interviewer: Fascinating. Any other observations about her or her groups and world? Siv: She worries too much. They all do. It doesn't look like you're allowed to be secure in your abilities, or put yourself forward as good. But this may be a feature of her culture - it isn't of mine. Interviewer: So what kept you involved in watching all that time...it sounds like you are pretty critical of her world and its interactions? Siv: It's comprehensible but still different. I'm a mage. We're supposed to collect knowledge. Interviewer: So it was purely knowledge collection? Siv: And there are parts of my world that are just as bad, if not worse, so it was a useful study. Interviewer: Do you feel you exhibit or have similar qualities to your player and if so why? Siv: We're both curious, I'm a little more adventurous in the 'looking round the next corner' style of curiosity, but neither of us can resist an opportunity to learn something. I suspect that I'm probably more intelligent than she is, but we aren't stupid. We're probably both showing the trait of self-assertion, but confidence takes time and I have a 25-year head start. Jennifer: I don't believe Siv and I were that similar personality-wise; she was less cynical and more trusting - I would probably have taken a lot longer in time to bond with a group of colleagues. But I'd like to think of myself as an independent thinker with a reasonable level of intelligence; I'm not egocentric enough to assume that just because I want something it's true, however. Interviewer: Jennifer, I am going to switch gears a bit now and focus more on your experiences of playing characters...Could you please describe in detail your process for “getting into character”? What helps you to “stay in character”? What prevents that and has that process changed over the time you have been involved in gaming and if so how? Jennifer: I have to find a character to be a believable personality, while obviously the skills may not bear any resemblance to real-world equivalents. They need history, interests, personality traits and quirks - or they need the flexibility for me to add them as I play. It's as if you possess two sets of brain processing functions - prime and a backup programmed with the PC. The prime functions can sit back and let the backup run the

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show, occasionally taking back control for real world matters. I think it's close to how method acting is described, but I've never studied that so I can't be sure. The biggest barrier to getting into character is a PC that just doesn't feel 'real'. Players who refuse to get into first person are an inhibiting factor, but over the years the number in this group has steadily decreased and isn't really a factor anymore. Interviewer: So, Siv would you talk about the time she started playing you? Siv: Not a problem. She'd have been 17, because I was closer to 25, maybe 26. They were playing a game set in my world, and she created a character that mirrored my existence to the degree that I was drawn into both sides of the game, as a player and an observer. Interviewer: So Jennifer, it sounds like once you have a believable character with a history, traits and quirks you kind of let it have its own way, let it run the show, and in a sort of way, let it be itself, only stepping in to deal with real world concerns as needed? Jennifer: Have you ever read the David Eddings 'Belgariad' saga? The way in which a sorcerer changes his shape in the books has to have been written by someone who's done character acting roles or role-playing. They describe it as creating the image in your mind, how they look, sound and move...and then you step into the image. But I can step out at any time, because I know on the most basic levels that it's a fictional construct and not actually myself. Interviewer: So the image is multidimensional- look, sound, move, think- and you enter into that image and let your "self" take a backseat for a while? Jennifer: Yes. It's not a surrender so much as a break. Interviewer: Not sure what you mean by break...a rest, or a major shift, or what? Jennifer: A rest. If I ever get where it's a major shift, then I hope I'm under professional care before I get that divorced from reality! Interviewer: Siv, could you please describe in detail your process for “making yourself present” in the gaming context? Siv: First of all, it's really her that gets herself into the right frame of mind to bring me into the game. This becomes easier over time, as she's more used to how I think, but I can't tap into the game environment as a participant until she is able to think in the right way. Interviewer: What is that "right frame of mind"?

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Siv: If I wanted to play her as a character, I would have to pretend that I was her, thinking and reacting as she would. Once my thoughts become sufficiently consonant with hers, my mind would be in sympathy with hers and we could act as an alliance. However, since I would be attempting to become her, she would most likely be the dominant member. Interviewer: So continuing with the original question...you said she first needs to be in the right frame of mind, what then? Siv: It's like two very similar pictures moving onto each other. There are still differences, but the similarities stand out and you can act on those. I believe the term used by mind- controllers of my world and yours is 'gestalt'. Interviewer: So Jennifer, you have some sense of when the rest occurs and though the character is "running on its own" you can step back in from the rest whenever you want? It sounds like when you realize you can't do that is when you would be concerned about your sanity? Jennifer: As I said, differentiating between fiction and real life isn't really a problem at all. Even as a child the only bad dreams I got from books or TV was from a fear that real life might one day take on the parts that scared me. Interviewer: So Siv, what was that like for you? Siv: Strange. At times, I was not sure who was controlling who. My character and personality influenced her decisions in the game, but had she chosen to take me down a different route, I might have been unable to resist or have simply drifted away from the game. Interviewer: Interesting. Were there times that you felt controlled or like you would have taken things a different way? Siv: I felt that she believed she was controlling me. This may well have been the case, as if our intentions were in accord there would be no perceived disagreement. Interviewer: It kind of sounds like you both were in accord and thus "in control" in a sort of mutual or shared way. Siv: She had expressed the view to other players on many, many, many, occasions that you should play the character as if you had become them, not by pressing your own personality on the role. Interviewer: Is that how it felt to you...like you were sharing some sort of space, that it was as if she had become you?

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Siv: A form of mind link as practiced by the empathic orders? Yes, definitely. I assume that while she was not attempting to take on my role, our thoughts were not close enough to continue this effect. Interviewer: Relating back to the image of the character and putting that on. Where does that image come from for you? Jennifer: It starts by asking the question 'what sort of person would have these abilities', then 'how would the life events affect their personality'. To me, it's a logical process of seeing how the character fits together. I like reading between the lines to spot what people want text to actually mean; it's a similar technique. Interviewer: Could you say more about how you developed this character, where did that image come from, and how you see the character as relating to your own life? Jennifer: I rolled the stats first, and then thought about how you'd get a character who ended up with those strengths and weaknesses, and how they'd work with them. That leads you into skills, strengths and flaws and from there the history pieces itself together as to how the character got this way. Interviewer: So you start with the dice rolls and construct from there. Would you have expected this character to create such a strong reaction for you? Jennifer: I expected to enjoy playing it; a physically strong mage is not that common a circumstance, something about the stats just said 'mage...with a big stick'. She had flaws such as a fear of mind control, as her order of wizards has a traditional antipathy with another order who specialize in those magics and that just mushroomed into a highly independent character. Interviewer: Siv, what helps you stay present and what prevents that from happening? Siv: As long as nothing is initiated that goes against my character traits, I remain present until the game session is over. I don't recall a time when I wasn't able to access the game session while she was playing me. It became, as I have said, easier with time so that by the time the game sessions of this group ceased, it took no time or effort at all. Interviewer: What about when something goes against your personality traits? Siv: I drift back away from the game, breaking the gestalt. This only happened at the time she began playing me, as she quickly learnt what was and was not suitable to my self. I am

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still able to watch, and I can say that the quality of the game decreases. She therefore has good reason to maintain our link. Interviewer: Jennifer, once you have that basic image and you begin putting the character on, do you ever find it growing, shifting, changing, and developing or in some ways "fleshing itself out more"? Jennifer: Once you put it into play, it does settle, but usually you don't have to make conscious adjustments - it happens over the course of the first session. Siv: It's like a pair of walking shoes. At first, you need to flex and bend your feet to put them on, and they chafe. But after a while, they mould to fit your feet and you can slip them on like bedroom slippers. Interviewer: Lots of walking in those shared shoes. Were there times that you influenced her feelings/thoughts/interactions both in game and out? Siv: Not consciously. But mine was the dominating personality, so would take precedence in determining actions during the game. I could only have influenced her actions away from the game in the way that a great actor, or a character in a drama, or an acquaintance of the person influences a person to take a particular action. Interviewer: Do you think that happened? If so could you give an example? Siv: I believe I encouraged her to look beyond the expectations of her society and the people around her and to seek her own ambitions and desires. I do not have precognitive abilities, so I can't tell what long-term changes were effected. She displayed more self- assertion, perhaps as a result of being in contact with my own self-confidence. Interviewer: Jennifer, could you please describe a situation or experience where playing Siv has had an impact on your life or sense of self at some point and explain how it influenced you? Jennifer: This is going to be a sappy cliché, but successfully playing feminine yet personally strong female characters allowed me to not be afraid of being female myself; once I wasn't taking any crap at the gaming table, it became easier to stand up for myself in real life. Interviewer: Doesn't sound cliché to me...sounds quite empowering. Jennifer: The breakthrough point was a GURPS game where I was playing Siv, whose a mage quite capable at hand to hand fighting if it came down to the wire. One of the other

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players was the man who felt that drow [a society of dominating female elves] were empowering to women - so he definitely had an attitude problem. Also a bad case of what I call 'gallant knight syndrome' - he thinks he has to be Sir Galahad in real life, although more of the sexual proclivities and attitudes of Lancelot, I have to say. He declared that his samurai-type character was my bodyguard. It later transpired that he felt a long-term bodyguard had other rights, and tried to assert them with emotional blackmail. In secret, I arranged with the GM a magic mouth spell on my clothing so that if anyone came near my bed in the night, it would announce to the world that a repulsive pervert was attempting to molest and rape me, and should get lost now before they ended up dead. When the spell activated, I had to speak the message and I surprised my self by standing up in the middle of the gaming club, screaming it at the player in question. I later had to reinforce this in real life to said player, who felt that sexually explicit remarks were sincere compliments and getting you to lean over so they could look down your cleavage was not an aesthetic appreciation of the female form, just lechery. He didn't listen, and wouldn't keep his hands to himself. So I announced to all in earshot more or less what the magic mouth spell had said. I also dislocated both his thumbs, but that was just to make the point. Interviewer: Wow! That is a powerful story! Jennifer: I don't believe he's changed his personality, but he's not stupid enough to try any of it on me again. Interviewer: It certainly sounds though like it had an impact on your personality though. Jennifer: Up until that point, I'd been conditioned by society/media and peer attitudes to accept sexual harassment as normal and even desirable - when you don't know any different and nobody censures the men, it takes a catalyst before you decide 'this is wrong, and I'm not going to take it any more'. Siv: I dislike being the target for predatory males seeking favors, information, or to treat me as a commodity. I give myself where, when and to whom I choose, and if a polite rebuff is not noticed, I reserve the right to boil his brain, in the hope when it cools down he may be more intelligent. It took a while for me to drill this into her over-conditioned skull, but when it sank in I was glad I'd not provided a more violent example.

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Interviewer: Could you say more about "her over-conditioned skull" and how you drove it in and the examples you set for her to do so? Siv: I had the delight of smacking down an importunate male whose player, unfortunately, had similar characteristics. He made the mistake of imposing his personality onto his character, so after working with me in this, it was just like a replay for her to do the same to the player. Previous unwanted males were mentally controlled to drop their trousers and dance around the taproom, had a cone of cold cast on their groin, were kicked off the edge of the cliff, incidentally this character was controlled by the same player, it evidently took real life retribution to get him to stop. In one case, he was teleported unconscious to his mother's house with a note pinned to his chest explaining exactly what kind of person he was. It pressured me into not accepting ANY offers, even those wanted, as that would have opened the floodgates to the assumption that desiring one means desiring all. Interviewer: So Jennifer how did Siv serve as that catalyst? Jennifer: She had a high charisma stat but even though she got male attentions, she wasn't expected by the GM or most players to respond unless she wanted to. I think the situation just happened where you had a strong personality in a setting where self- protection was acceptable and the norm, and she was, while not a PC on a short fuse, someone who didn't like being pushed or forced. It's easier to express these traits in a game than in a social situation in real life, where you have all kinds of behavior taboos and conditioning holding you to certain responses. Interviewer: What is it about the game setting that makes that easier? Jennifer: The fact that it isn't real. It's safer in the sense that everything's at one remove from day-to-day life. This was about 6 months into the campaign, and the party had completed their first quest. We'd actually survived the first real major battle extremely well, through teamwork and complementing each other's abilities. Siv dealt with recon and planning for conflicts rather than firepower, but in a group of combat-oriented characters this was a valuable trait and appreciated. There was a definite family feel about the group; except for the one player/PC my gender didn't come into it at all except in some NPC interactions. So when the player/PC started paying my character unwelcome attentions, my instinctive reaction was 'is this the behavior of a friend and comrade? No!' The

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bonding among the group was such that the other party members also closed in censure among what they also saw as an abuse of friendship. Incidentally, as Siv mentioned, she later kicked his character off the edge of a bottomless pit. The GM didn't even let him try for a saving throw to hang on, which I found very supportive. Interviewer: That context helps. So Siv, repeated experiences of this sort really turned you off from sexuality in that context at all. Better to seem unavailable than to have to fend off this kind of thing over and over. What kinds of offensive things brought forth such retribution from you? Siv: Repeated approaches of any kind, after they've been asked to back off. Least offensive is propositioning, then verbal harassment, then physical harassment. Attempted rape gets their balls frozen off. Interviewer: How did you feel about this experience of a character so impacting your "real life"? What factors do you think contributed to such an experience? Jennifer: The character had no experiences similar to mine in her history, so she had no expectations as to its inevitability - so she reacted by not putting up with it. In real life, I'd passed into the resigned and accepting stage, at least consciously. It may be that I subconsciously tried to produce characters who were able to speak out without having to worry about it. I may even have pushed the other player slightly into his actions so that I could have the opportunity to vicariously stand up for myself - I do remember a certain sense of elation just before his character set off the magic mouth trap. Interviewer: So at some level the characters you were creating may have been ways to deal with the "stuckness" and resignation you were experiencing in a safer, fantasy space? Jennifer: I think that was a byproduct of the character types rather than the initial reason for their creation. Right at the start I vastly preferred PCs who knew their own minds, and even now I go for that type overall, not necessarily intelligent, but always independent. I don't have a problem with allowing characters a sexual dimension now either - before, they were either more-or-less celibate, or any sexuality was used to wind up difficult men. I think her innocence and trusting nature may have been intentional, as that's never been a usual feature of my PCs.

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Interviewer: So it seems like this "breakthrough" really allowed you to "breakthrough" the limitations on characters that you felt constrained their expression as you talked about before? Jennifer: It was the realization in real life that I was, or was potentially normal and those who'd harassed me were the ones who had something to be ashamed of. Then it was easier to play characters who were sexual as well as intellectual. I'd been able to play characters that ignored the limitations before, but they didn't feel completely real, or that I was playing them unconvincingly. Interviewer: It seems then it was not only the character but also the situation that let this character really come forward and that then had such an impact on you. Jennifer: There was a definite right-place-right-time effect; the chance that the problem character was played by a problem person made it more effective for me. Interviewer: How common do you think such experiences of characters influencing players are for people that game? Jennifer: Very common, because the influence can be very mild and negative as well as positive. You often feel less competent and intelligent if you've made a daft decision in a game, although if it came down to a dice roll or because your PC wasn't very bright it's not so bad. Jennifer: When your character succeeds at something, you feel as if you've achieved something in real life and it's a boost to your feelings. Interviewer: Or, like in this instance you've been discussing, the intersection of problem character and problem player and your personal struggles with resignation to such behavior, and the context of the group, all seemed to have played a role in how powerful it was for you. Jennifer: That is extremely rare. I can't think of anything else comparable in my experience, because of the distinction between game and reality. If I have a character who is supposed to have specific knowledge, I will do some surface reading to get a feel for the flavor of the jargon used - but as I enjoy reading, it doesn't entail a behavioral change. I'm actually more likely to identify with a literary character than a PC, strangely.

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Interviewer: And this big example, would be an example of a really powerful and positive instance that did involve behavioral change? Why do you identify with literary character more? Jennifer: It's easier to see yourself in someone else's creation than it is in a character you've created that you see as distinct from yourself. I don't relate getting into character and identifying with a character as the same thing. You get into character to play a role. You use your experiences to help with the acting side, but it's a distinct entity on its own. When you identify with a character, you specifically see it echoing parts of your personality and this can enhance the reading or viewing experience. It's the difference between putting a character on, and putting yourself onto a character. Interviewer: How did that relationship with Jennifer evolve over time? Siv: My successes, she attributed to her own reasoning ability. We worked well as a team and well, more or less, with the other members of the party. But over time, I became less aggressive and she became less compliant. I asked questions before I fireballed, and she questioned other people's actions towards her. In a way that frankly she should have done years ago. Interviewer: Were there any relevant life experiences of your own that may have played a part in the way this interaction developed and turned out? Siv: I was raised with self-respect and a sense that I was due equal and respectful treatment. Basically, to be accepted on my merits and not to be forced into another's vision for me. Luckily my world and its traditions of magic allowed for this state of mind. Interviewer: Jennifer, does your gender influence the elements of games that you focus on? Jennifer: I think I'm more sensitive to inequality or inaccuracy in the portrayal of each gender. Luckily, I can spot when men are being treated unequally as well, so I'm not going too far in the other direction. Games with a historical flavor of a specific era, such as 1890s or 1920s Call of Cthulhu - you expect sexist attitudes to be prevalent, and you just treat them as part of the game. But games when there is ostensibly an amphisexual society, as in many D&D or futurist settings often contain gender bias inappropriate to the setting but obviously a product of the writers' and/or playtesters' own attitudes. I don't find this acceptable. I did appreciate the Player's Handbook for D&D 3rd edition - 'he/him/his' and 'she/her/hers' are used interchangeably, so female characters can be paladins and

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male characters clerics with no real gender bias. It's not just women being portrayed as sex object idiots that are a problem - men shown as muscle-bound fighting machines can be restrictive as well. Interviewer: Siv, do you believe your gender is a factor in how you interact in a game context? How so? Siv: My gender was not an issue in how I acted, because I saw no reason to change my personality to suit another's idiocy. But I am expected by the players in your world to act in certain ways, some of which are alien to me. Most expect competence and a willingness to work as a team. I have never had any problem with that. Others expect that a woman needs protection by a man, that she not only seeks but delights in sexual attentions from all, and that she would prefer a 'set hair' spell over a lightning bolt, even in a life-or-death situation. In short, they expect a female adventurer to be a prostitute and barmaid who likes to play at being a 'big girl'. Excuse me while I twist my ankle falling over this leaf and scream for help. Interviewer: But feeling strong and confident in your identity you felt no need to go along with that and continued to act as you would. How do you feel about this experience of interaction with this player? Siv: Disturbed. I don't feel that I was too aggressive for my world, but her attitudes of acceptable behavior seeped in and she did not feel the need to allow these patterns - but by the standards of my world I was normal to begin with. Interviewer: So her tempering influence may have actually been a negative influence on you? How do you feel about how your influence affected her? Siv: It was a positive influence - standing up for yourself and your rights is a desirable state. She still kept a view as to what existed in her reality and what didn't, so we never became confused with each other - this would have been the only real problem. Interviewer: So it was more beneficial to her than to you? Siv: It was not un-beneficial to me, but I had less to gain than she did - I was already set in life. Interviewer: How was it beneficial to you? Siv: I had previously derided the people of their world for not realizing how safe and easy their lives were. I had not before considered that in my self-confidence and security I had an

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asset many of them lacked, and could not necessarily gain with money and status. Plus they can only punch an offensive male. I can make him go boom. Interviewer: So it helped you to appreciate your own power, self-confidence and security as the asset it is? Siv: I had security in myself. They had security in financial and material sources. I was still better off as my own person. Interviewer: So how would you say gaming has impacted your life and your life impacted gaming? Jennifer: Gaming is very much a social activity for me; I take it seriously in that I show up on time and concentrate, but playing is to me the same as any other time spent with friends where we use our brains. I really only get the chance to GM at conventions now; on the down side I haven't played at a con since the first one - no time. When I'm putting together an adventure, I'll research pretty widely - this takes a lot of time in libraries - but I enjoy reading, so it doesn't really take a chunk out of other leisure activities. As a player, all I have to really do is get familiar with the setting and flavor, then just show up for sessions, play my PC and go home. There's no overspill. Interviewer: So what would you say keeps you playing RPGs? Jennifer: I suppose the same thing that had me watching Buffy every week for seven seasons - I just have to know what happens next. This holds true for GMing as well - you never know how it's going to end. Interviewer: So the story, the social interaction...anything else keep you gaming? Jennifer: It allows me to indulge in other hobbies at the same time; reading, art, although I am very clumsy in this department, costume, makeup, staging, music, and even cookery, like snacks and edible props. I also find writing adventures more interesting than other forms of creative writing. When you write a short story, you're pinning the characters to the page with what you want them to do. You can be a lot more twisty and interlocking with your plots when the characters could go off in any or more than one direction at once; there's no challenge when you can fully control them. Interviewer: So you like that the characters have more freedom in an adventure than they would with you crafting a story?

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Jennifer: Characters have a certain freedom on the page; but it's the knowledge that if you wanted to make them take a certain action, you could that gets me. I've never liked plot railroading around the table and straightforward writing can feel too much like this. I've been known to deliberately go into a convention game with six characters and a one-page opening scene for the delight of running an adventure completely on the fly. Interviewer: So what have your experiences with conventions been like? Jennifer: Highly varied. But overall, I've gained by attending, GMing and writing for them. Jennifer: I've never been to a convention outside the UK due to travel costs, and have only been attending since 1996. But my first one was the big one, Gen Con UK. I decided to play safe at my first con, and only signed up to play games with the exception of running the Paranoia game. But I changed my plan after my first session - Call of Cthulhu. At this time, they still put up table and GM assignments in advance, and I'd been told how great my assigned GM was, and what a great time I'd have. Half an hour in, I realized I could do a better job than he could and signed up as a ref for the rest of the con. Interviewer: That's great! What convinced you that you could do better? Jennifer: The atmosphere was non-existent. I knew more about Victorian era CoC than he did. NPCs might as well have been nametags on a generic shop dummy. No fear, psychological terror, suspense, anticipation. It was as if he had no conception of what makes something horrifying as opposed to disgusting. But - he knew the rules back-to- front. And this apparently made him a 'great' GM. Interviewer: Sounds like you quickly found your confidence in running games at Cons. Have you had any really negative experiences, particularly regarding sexism or harassment at cons? Jennifer: I had a Delta Green group a couple years ago that quickly split into two halves. I had three players who really got into their characters - and were a delight to GM for- and three people who sat there like sacks for the whole 4 hours. I threw everything I could at them to draw them in, but no response at all. I left that table feeling like a failure as a GM and it wasn't until later that two of the decent players, a brother and sister team who showed up on about 4 other occasions at cons, asked me if I'd overheard what those 3 were saying beforehand - they apparently abhorred female GMs as incompetent, useless, a waste of time. I later got corroboration from another GM - apparently one of them

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won't even play female PCs. What really bit was the fact that one of them was female herself. The other low points are the covert sexism out there. You can't challenge it, and you can't alter the person's mind because as far as they're concerned, they aren't sexist. Some women are opposed specifically to female GMs. Women who don't play but have boyfriends/husbands who do can be opposed to all women involved in the hobby - but that's most likely a 'she's trying to steal my man' reaction. Interviewer: Why do you think they dislike female GMs? Jennifer: Possibly because they were never granted the opportunity by their own gaming groups. Or some women do genuinely feel that their gender belongs in a subservient or lesser role. Not something it's easy to believe until you encounter them. Interviewer: So what do you mean by "covert sexism"? Jennifer: They don't know why they treat you as inferior, and they find excuses for it. I try to not jump to conclusions with people, so in some cases I've gone for years wondering why I can't get on with someone before another points out to me that they just don't like women. Whispering campaigns are the worst; you can't pin down where it started and you have to take it and let the rumors die down. Interviewer: What do you mean by "whispering campaigns"? Jennifer: When people start saying things designed to undermine your competence. Usually from people who see you as a 'threat' i.e. insecure types. Men get threatened when they're challenged in an area they feel is their own - I've seen it in the sporting arena when a women's team does better than the equivalent men's team as well. I've also had hostile behavior from people to whom my gender is secondary - they see men and women as equal threats once they're at a certain pitch. Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Jennifer: When I started writing for convention events, I got the whispers of 'it's good PR to have ones written by women, that's the only reason why they're used' and 'her boyfriend writes them really and lets her put her name on the cover'. With the shutdown of the RPGA [Role-playing Games Association] in this country, GMs aren't scored at tournaments anymore although players still fill out a feedback form - and god help you if you came in higher than the men. Then it was 'fixed' and the like.

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Interviewer: It sounds like you have encountered quite a bit of gender hostilities. What keeps you playing in the face of all that? Jennifer: Because every time it felt like caving in, the non-sexist types out there put in a lot of effort to convince me that it wasn't true - which is the only reason I'm still writing convention adventures. I hate to admit this as well, but I have the nagging feeling that I might actually be quite good at GMing and writing, which is a big incentive to find ways to keep going. Interviewer: So you keep your hopes up, others support you when you feel like giving up, and your skill and talent keep you wanting to share that with those who appreciate it? Jennifer: I used to worry whether any apparent skill or talent was a delusion on my part. I've reached the stage where I no longer care whether it's real or delusional, given that everyone else is probably in the same state. Interviewer: What stands out to you as you think back on your gaming experience as the highest high points and lowest low points? Jennifer: I think the highest point was realizing that I had actually caused changes in the way things were done at Gen Con UK, even it was only really, really small things in sideline events - and probably not last for long - but I did change some things. Lowest was after I'd picked up a 'Best GM' at a convention, while I'm still standing there holding the trophy some guy says to me 'So don't you get bored waiting around for your boyfriend at these things? You could learn to play yourself'. It was like 'nothing you've ever done in this hobby will ever matter'. Interviewer: Yikes! That's horrible...especially after such a highpoint. Jennifer: I was in the RPGA to irritate the old guard men. We used to have tournament and GM scoring. The UK system was done on your average score...I sat squarely on top on the Europe DM ratings for a couple of years until they crashed and died outside the US and the system stopped. That REALLY got at the idiot squad. Interviewer: Wow! Top of the standings in Europe. It's nice to know I've been talking with an expert and it shows. Jennifer: Not an expert. I just clawed my way up there to, I'm ashamed to admit, make a point. Interviewer: Are there any other examples that you feel are really important to share to help me to get a sense of the ways that you were treated and related to as a female gamer?

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Jennifer: It was very difficult to have a female character display any kind of femininity or sexuality without it being used to grind you down into a clichéd position. Interviewer: Siv you mentioned a similar thing. Do you feel this was a loss to not be able to engage sexuality in the gaming context as a result of these experiences? Siv: I did not wish, for the most part, to engage in sexual behavior, but it would have been far better to have had the choice and the freedom. Interviewer: How did that typically happen? Jennifer: Male players and DMs would have their mental image of the character with only two settings; 'uptight virgin' and 'total slut'. It was perfectly acceptable for male characters to seduce NPCs for information, or even to enjoy a night's fun, but the instant a female character did so, she would be treated as a prostitute by the rest of the party until the end of the campaign. In the worst cases, they'd effectively be trying to pimp your character to NPCs for their own gain. And if you objected, in or out of character, you were awkward, not a team player and trying to undermine the adventure. Your character had to pick a specific dress style and be prepared to stay with it; if you went from robes/gowns to hose or breeches and/or armour, or vice versa, it was as if you'd suddenly changed the rules on the rest of the group and they'd get all stiff and standoffish - But a male cleric who changed from robes to hose and tunic got no comments at all. Interviewer: What have been your experiences, if any, of being played by someone of a different gender than your player or what would you imagine that might be like? Siv: It would have depended on the personality of the player. In the hands of some of them, I would have been played as a mage and adventurer, with as much skill as they possessed. In the hands of another, I might have become nothing more than a love slave. Interviewer: It seems that you were not allowed to express the full range of a character, whether it be clothing styles, or sexuality, without some kind of repercussions toward you and/or your character? Jennifer: On several occasions it was as if wearing a gown instead of scruffy riding leathers for a court presentation made my PC's IQ drop by half from the way they changed their attitude towards her. Interviewer: But you found that the male character's changes weren't reacted to with the same kind of intensity?

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Jennifer: The most succinct way of putting it was by Terry Pratchett in a Discworld book: 'You can do exactly what the men do...as long as you do just what the men do.' More or less - I'm not sure of the exact wording. Interviewer: That's pretty succinct. What happens when you don't...you mention a few things above...any other reactions you've found? Jennifer: Mainly shock. You're playing with their expectations, and they don't like being hit with the unknown. Interviewer: So as a female gamer there are more expectations or more limited expectations for your characters behavior and for yours as player. How does that leaving you feeling? Jennifer: Two feelings. At first, just frustration coupled with a desire to leave the table or at least lay out the person concerned. After experiencing this several times and realizing that it wasn't going to be altered easily, I started playing with their minds, deliberately winding them up. Which was fun, if a little cruel and easy. Nastiest example was where a GM had the expectation that my character would just love to be courted by the local hero, eventually marrying him. My character was feminine as well as female, so he assumed she of course wanted this. Thinking about it now, I suspect that he wanted the hero type to move from NPC to PC and marrying my character would be a quick way to integrate him into the group. I don't think that was a primary motive, but probably in there someplace. I strung the GM along for 3 months of weekly game sessions, when 'off-duty' slinking around in extremely, definitely female outfits and politely listening to the NPC hero's romantic overtures. He proposed eventually once the GM felt it had played out for long enough. Interviewer: Can't wait to hear the "barb" in this... Jennifer: "I'm sorry. I can't accept. I'm pledged to a mage back in my home village, and she'd be very unhappy if I deserted her." Interviewer: How did that go over? Jennifer: 'You can't be gay! You wear dresses!' This was the late 80s, and at this time the popular image of the lesbian was still the overalls-wearing, Birkenstocks-clomping psudeo-man. I got a huge amount of entertainment out of playing with people's expectations; this did actually help with writing adventures later on - I hate predictable plots. I got even crueler with Call of Cthulhu (CoC) - I did spark phobias in some people

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and I'm ashamed to say took great delight in reducing offensive sexist types to quivering jelly. One boy's parents rang up to complain that's I'd given him recurring nightmares. Interviewer: Fascinating and quite a tribute to your ability to set a mood, and hook players in only to turn their expectations upside down, which is so crucial in CoC. Jennifer: I know when to stop - ethically speaking - but this was revenge on my part. I deliberately set about manipulating him into a state of trauma - I considered it payback. His mother complained that he was getting bad dreams. I complained that for the past 3 years, he'd been trying to stick his hand down my blouse on a daily basis. Yes, I horribly abused the gaming setting for my own purposes. Interviewer: So it was a way to "teach him a lesson" without getting violent or endangering anyone? Jennifer: It was a little too calculating for that. It wasn't harmless. Like all CoC games, you bring players to a state of fear and suspense. I then pushed it further until he as a player was genuinely terrified. I then put a lot of effort into removing the apparent barriers between the game atmosphere and reality. So it counts as abuse. Which is why I have a very strong sense of ethical behavior when it comes to running horror games. You don't target people's known personal fears and traumas, but it's fine to allow them to feel new ones for the duration of the game. You never, ever, push anything which they won't recover from after a good night's sleep or so. And you make sure when it's over that nobody leaves your table until they're definitely 'back in the real world'. Interviewer: Could you say more about that distinction between game and "real world"? How do you understand that distinction and how do you deal with it in your playing? Jennifer: It's like discussing a book or TV show. You can know all about it, even speak fictional languages associated with it, but you have that little Venn diagram in your head separating things into 'real' and 'not-real'. The overlap is for things you take on faith - they can't be classed as either. In the case of games, not-real refers to something you create - without getting bogged down in the 'do we create reality' argument - where time effectively stops every time you're not there. I've just never had a problem keeping game and reality separate. I have trouble believing in the sense of some things in reality, but no difficulty stopping fantasy from crossing over outside of hallucinatory experiences.

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Interviewer: What is your opinion of the claim that gaming books and media are sexist in their representations of gender? Jennifer: This is related to the age of the material. I haven't read anything myself that was produced in the last five years which I could classify as sexist. The main offenders I'd say are the pre-1990 materials, and the earlier you get the worse they are. Interviewer: What were some of the things you classified as sexist in the past? Jennifer: The ridiculously impractical outfits of female adventurers - as if a woman magically needed less armour than a man. The fact that they were posed as if they were modeling for soft porn shots with lots of kneeling/sprawling postures, for example. The way in which no matter how skilled a female character was, in pre-written adventures they were generally shown as subservient and always in need of a little help from a man, or they were highly accomplished but with a fatal weakness for handsome men. Extremely irritating was the insistence of male players/GMs in the 'I'm-not-sexist-honestly' group that women being shown as huge-breasted, sexually voracious good but not too good swordfighters -and it was almost always swords, I don't want to speculate about why- was somehow empowering to women as a whole. I saw a lot of unrealistic female characters being played by men over the years; they would generally be petite, top-heavy geniuses who habitually wore skin-tight catsuits along with waist-length hair, which they chewed on enticingly while solving all puzzles and challenging all villains. Interviewer: I like your way of putting things directly, succinctly and with a bit of humorous flair. Interviewer: Siv, what is your opinion of the claim that RPGs are sexist in their representations of gender? Siv: These games allow the freedom for everyone to portray that which they wish. The problem is that often this is carried out with the prejudices of the players, who may well be sexist. Interviewer: As you mentioned earlier. How do you perceive that sexism and gender equality issues have changed over the time you have been involved in gaming? Siv: The players have polarized into two groups; those who probably dislike or fear women even when away from the gaming table, and those who are starting to judge people on their abilities instead of their appearance or gender. Now it is acceptable for players to turn on those who show inappropriate behaviour, instead of looking in the other direction

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or excusing it. It is not yet acceptable to exact physical retribution on offenders, but this is most likely due to this being unacceptable in all sections of society rather than a perceived ideal of proper female behavior. Interviewer: Are there any other things that you think are important for me to know to understand your relationship to your player and the way that has developed over time or the impacts you have had on one another? Siv: Being honest, I'm not sure of anything that can be said which hasn't already been said. Jennifer: Not that I can think of. Interviewer: What you have provided has been very helpful. I really appreciate you taking all this time to do this with me. Thank you so much! I really appreciate all your help. I feel like I have learned so much from your stories and your way of expressing your ideas and your examples. Jennifer: Not a problem. You have to bear in mind that like most gamers, I have no problems talking about my hobby. ______“Fireballs” Commentary The encounter with Jennifer and Siv presents us with a number of fascinating aspects. The first is that despite the fact that Siv is a character played by Jennifer, they certainly present a paradox of similarity and difference in their style and personality. While conducting the interviews, I did indeed have the experience of interviewing two different people. Right from the response to the informed consent statement, there was a strong sense of Siv as someone with whom one would not want to trifle. Siv seemed to have a much more outspoken and critical viewpoint on Jennifer’s world and its practices, providing a voice to another perspective. Not only did there see be to a mental difference or autonomy to Siv, Jennifer noted this physically as well. During the reflexive interview, she noted the challenges of conducting the interview with Siv through a computer mediated chat program, despite her own preference for this mode of interviewing. The most difficult part of being interviewed in character - I don't know if this would have been an issue with a character from a present-day or futurist setting - but using a keyboard to type responses. It just did not feel right. The only way to give a fluent in- character response for me was to speak it out loud as I was typing, so it was more like me

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transcribing her responses. When asked to elaborate further on this issue, Jennifer was able to indicate the ways it felt like she had to be a sort of secretary for Siv. I needed to find a channel of communication that felt right for the character in order to speak as her…But she just wouldn't type. That's a method completely alien to her. I can't type as her and still be role-playing that character for the interview. It becomes an interview based on 'what I might say if I were playing that PC' rather than 'what that PC would say'. Instead of transferring what I'm thinking straight to the keys, I had to put in an extra layer, a sort of memory buffer to hold the responses until I could type them in. Jennifer also noted how easily it was to slip back into the character of Siv after having not played her for many years. She related it to discovering an old outfit in a wardrobe and finding that it still fits quite comfortably. Secondly, it is interesting the ways that both Siv and Jennifer gained from their interaction with each other. Siv’s perspective, confidence and strength certainly seemed to help Jennifer reevaluate her social world and to find confidence and strength to stand up for herself as a woman in a sexist world. This seems obvious from the initial incident of standing up to the lecherous character, to later confronting the player himself and then continuing to find confidence in confronting such issues in her gaming communities and experiences. Siv seemed to indicate that her interactions with Jennifer had perhaps tempered her reactions a bit, though she felt she had less to gain from their interaction. She also noted how her interactions with Jennifer and her world seemed to confirm her own beliefs and confidence in herself. In the third, reflexive interview, Jennifer tended to downplay this somewhat, I tend to maintain a separation between them; any relationship is purely one-way in that my own experiences and knowledge can spill over into playing the character, if appropriate, but I don't have any problems stopping it from going the other way. Observing a few people who do find their character affects themselves has been a very good argument for keeping it this way. As I pointed out the power of the situation in which Siv served as a catalyst for her change she clarified this relationship a bit more. The character doesn't give me anything that wasn't already there, is a better way of putting it. I can tap it for a 'if I could do it then, I can do it now' support, but I'm

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choosing what to take rather than having it come across without warning… The character is a good place to try out various personality traits before unleashing them in real life…I think the key word here is 'influence.' At one end you've got the situation where the character's traits are effectively dictating the actions of the person, and there you don't have any separation between real/not-real. At the other you've got the way that, for example, a book might influence somebody to paint a completely unrelated picture. You can be inspired by a character's actions without losing sight of their essentially fictional nature. She acknowledged that if the player was consciously aware that they were playing the character, it might be possible to allow the character to fully embody itself without losing that fine distinction between the real and not real. Jennifer also attributed some of her increasing confidence to her abilities as a game master and the status and power that gave her in her social world. She also notes that as she has matured she has gained a better sense of the kinds of behavior she would tolerate and not. Lastly, Jennifer noted that the interview process allowed her to become more aware of the process by which she engages role-playing games. She noted that she had not previously really reflected on the breadth and depth of her experiences in the hobby or about how she views this relationship of self and character. Though she was not sure if it would really affect how she plays, she did note that it was a positive experience overall. ______“Called” A brunette woman in her early twenties wanders in. She has the frazzled look of a college student and adjusts her glasses as she scans the room. She quickly spots the Interviewer. He waves in recognition and greets Emily with a friendly “Hello and welcome” as he gestures for her to have a seat. She graciously accepts and makes herself comfortable, sitting back with a cup of coffee she has brought with her. Interviewer: Thank you so much for agreeing to participate and coming here. I’m looking forward to this interview and hearing what you have to say. How about if we begin by having you tell a bit about yourself.

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Emily: I’m a 25-year-old Caucasian female, living in the US. I have a bachelor’s degree and currently work as a theatrical costumer. I am single and live with one other person. I first began gaming in 1989. Interviewer: Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming within the context of your life? Emily: When I was about 11 years old, I started reading fantasy and scifi novels. It was fascinating to discover books that used the ideas and motifs of Narnia, Oz, or fairy tales, but in a more "modern" manner. I was very bookish, and read all the time; fantasy provided another escape. Gradually, through novels like the Dragonlance series, I became aware that there was a game that involved pretending that you were one of these characters. I was vaguely interested, but since I was very shy and lived in a very small town, I didn't get into any local groups. But my twin sister and I talked about it a lot. I bought a Dragon magazine whenever we went to a big enough mall, and read the articles with little actual rules comprehension but a great deal of imagination. I wanted the experience of being inside one of these fantastic stories, about Magic and Mystery and True Love and Tragedy. Interviewer: What did fantasy provide an escape from? Emily: Boredom, mostly. I was somewhat antisocial and shy as a kid, and usually spent more time reading and less time playing. Family life was good; I just was bored with life in a midwestern town. Sometimes it was an escape from being picked on in school. Interviewer: Why did you want to experience being inside one of these stories? What was appealing or compelling about that? Emily: At the time, they seemed more interesting--more real, almost--than my life. Instead of the daily routines of school, music lesson, homework, tv, they presented adventure with a capital A; emotions and events that were more vivid than anything I had yet experienced. Now, of course, they seem kind of facile and less vivid than real life. It was appealing to imagine myself having experiences that were beyond ordinary. Interviewer: So getting back to your history… Emily: At a summer program when I was 15, I had a crush on a guy who talked about running D&D games, and I had my first "gaming experience" in a one-shot he ran. It was a bunch of 10 to14 year-olds, and it was plotless but fun. A lot more of half-flirtation, table talk,

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Monty Python jokes, and trying to be cool, all of us, that is--not just me. The moment I best remember is the 14-year-old GM announced that we entered a long hall, lighted by burning brassieres. The giggling didn't stop for a long time. Neither the game nor the flirting went anywhere. It was not fun, but somewhat embarrassing. In fact, I was acutely aware of being the only girl in the group, and that my reasons for being there were awkward. Interviewer: You mention being aware of being the only female and feeling awkward about why you were there. Could you elaborate a bit more on that awkward feeling and this flirtation atmosphere that seemed to surround the game? Emily: I knew that my motivations for playing the game were equally split between wanting to experience D&D and wanting the romantic attention of the GM. I was nervous that this was obvious to other players. I was nervous about being the only girl among a bunch of boys I didn't know who were mostly younger than me. This also took place in the common space of the summer program, so I was nervous about other participants seeing us playing and calling us geeks. The flirtation was of a couple of different kinds: sharing jokes; having out-of-game interactions affect in-game play, and interactions with female NPCs that were flirtatious. "Is the barmaid cute? I wanna grab her." Though really, that last one is not flirtation. Interviewer: How did you negotiate through such a complicated space? Emily: With some humor, digressions, attaching conversationally to familiar topics…and just plain bullheadedness. I’d gotten the opportunity to play a game I’d heard about for years; I wasn’t going to give it up just because I felt nervous. Interviewer: So from there… Emily: I started playing a character and running games during my last two years of high school. The main reason for this is that I attended a public boarding school for those years. We had the common-room space, close living, and general freedom from parents that usually comes at college; also, the school contained a high proportion of geeks. Within months, people were starting gaming groups. Most didn't last. But two 'campaigns' in particular caught my attention. The first was a D&D game set in the Dragonlance world, which ran consistently every couple weeks. I felt comfy with all the participants; I wasn't dating any of them, nor were any of them romantically interested in me. They were players that

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I was friends with _before_ we started the game, so we had a shared context beyond it. I played a gully dwarf, which allowed me to act out my general ignorance of the rules in character. It was an easy role for me to fit into: comic relief. Whenever I didn't know what else to do, I did something silly. It also allowed me to get people in trouble a lot which was fun as we all had a shared sense of humor. I had knowledge of the setting through the novels, so I didn't have to ask for background info. Aside from rules arguments, it was a fun game, which lasted about six months. Interviewer: Do you think many women struggle more initially with their rules knowledge when beginning gaming than men do? Emily: Yes. I think that, in general, women are less confident about the rules. Even if they've read the rulebook cover to cover, most are shy about making rules assertions. Interviewer: Why do you think that is? Emily: I’m not sure. Perhaps because gaming and game design have been a male dominated field, and women feel that they have to be super prepared in order to compete. Some women I know hate rules lawyers—but hate the arguing over rules more, and want to be able to stop the argument quickly, either by acquiescing to the lawyer or by definitively proving him/her wrong quickly. I think some women are afraid of being ‘revealed’: even though they know the rules fairly well, they’re scared that someone will come along and reveal that they aren’t Real GM’s who would know everything. Interviewer: It sounds like over preparing or feigning ignorance a bit are ways to avoid rules conflicts quickly? Emily: Yes! I hadn’t thought to put it in those terms, but that’s definitely it; “enough with the argument- get on with the game. The second game that caught my attention was a Toon book that a friend bought. I wanted to play Toon. I love cartoons; I love the stupid puns and slapstick anything-goes humor. Unfortunately, the owner of the book was too overstressed to run the game. So I had to. I ran two adventures from the book and then started making my own. I ran probably fifteen total Toons over the course of the year; each was a one-shot, although some were loosely linked. I had so much fun! The mechanics are simple, which was a huge draw, and I had freedom to do anything. It took no time to teach people to play if they were interested. The Toon games are among my best high school memories.

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Interviewer: Why are simple mechanics a huge draw for you as in Toon? Emily: They let the essential game come through in the actions of the players. With fewer mechanics, more leeway is possible. It means that the GM doesn't have to spend time checking in the rulebook, or looking up tables, and the game can flow freely. At first, the simple mechanics meant that I could master the system quickly and effectively, and thus devote extra time to thinking up plot and puns. It also meant that rules disputes were brief when they came up. Interviewer: So for you the flow of the game- action/interaction, flexibility are the heart of gaming more than rules? Emily: Absolutely. The rules are the framework which allows the game to be believable, and which allow multiple people to shape a story. Interviewer: Could you say more about the importance of believability for you? Emily: In settings outside of the one-dimensional puns of Toon, I need some kind of realism to engage the world. That’s not necessarily related to heavy detail in descriptions, or combat realism, or even a believable magic system. But I need to believe that the characters—mine included – are more than one-dimensional, and that the world around us is not a paper screen. So if all the inns are “The Sleeping Dragon” with fat barkeeps and smiling wenches, I’m not in a game world; I’m in a mechanism. If the dungeon we happen onto is just a bunch of 10x10 rooms with orcs guarding chests, that not just boring, it’s meaningless. But if the world continues around us – if we have genuine motivations, even if we’re playing stereotypes – if the adventures are not identical – then its just fantastic and is exactly what I look for. Perhaps the first inn was “The Sleeping Dragon”; next is a farmer who opens his stables to people with enough cash; next is “The Guilded Vine” with shady business among the opulence. The flood we heard about three sessions ago has made it nearly impossible to cross the river today…You get the idea. Something more than the basics. Something with imagination. Interviewer: Could you say more about the importance of multiple people shaping the story? Emily: Another essential part of the gaming experience! Speaking as a GM, the group has taken the story places I never thought we would go. Speaking as a player, the interactions between the PC’s forms fully half the drama and excitement of any one

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session. It makes it more surprising, since you never know where someone will take it; it makes it richer if you have five imaginations to draw from. Interviewer: Are those elements richness, depth, imagination and sense of surprise that come from multiple people interaction in a detailed imaginary setting that reacts to play crucial for your enjoyment and are they important to you as a person that you seek them in gaming? Where else do you find that kind of enjoyment? Emily: Yes they’re very important. I look for them in my literature, in my friendships, in my movies – and I guess I look for “depth, imagination, and sense of surprise” in my romantic partner. Interviewer: Speaking of partners, it seems your companion has not yet arrived. I guess we will just have to continue on without her for now. Getting back to your history? Emily: At college, I joined the role-playing group, and joined one campaign. Again, the game got mixed up with my love life, and I started dating the GM. It was the first game that had a serious note; the first time I had a good plot-oriented GM with a full grasp of the rules. I played in several campaigns of varying length through college, though rarely more than one at a time. Post-college, I have had periods when I wasn't gaming at all, and I missed it. I participated in a round-robin game, where we switched off GMing every couple of months. This gave me more confidence in my ability to master the rules. Currently, I'm in one long-running campaign as a player, and I've started running my own D&D third edition campaign, which could last for a few years if my players don't lose interest. Interviewer: What keeps you playing RPGs? Emily: I need a creative outlet. My work is creative, but it's creative in a manual sense. RPGs offer me a chance to toy with different stories, thoughts, etc. Mental creativity. It's a great social activity. I love getting together for dinner and game; we catch up on each other's lives, we have good food, and then we all play. I've met wonderful people through it, both gamers and non-gamers, who are intelligent and silly. I like the stress relief of pounding the living shit out of an enemy, especially one who is unambiguously evil. I read the news every morning and spend the day turning over the various sides of the issues, wondering if there's a solution, wondering how to treat all involved as human

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beings and not as faceless minions of evil. Then I play a game and whack a faceless minion of evil, who's obviously evil, it says so in the rulebook! Interviewer: Does gaming provide a stress relief by being a simpler place to face issues without the "real world" complexities and consequences? Emily: Absolutely. If my character spazzes out and starts a bar brawl, no "real world" people get hurt or killed. If we decide to take the sneaky approach, no one is really betrayed or lied to. Interviewer: Why do you feel your creativity needs an outlet and what do you find enjoyable about such outlets? Emily: Doesn't everyone? Well, I guess I like having a productive way to daydream. I'll do it anyway, during my commute or on a rainy afternoon. So I prefer that something comes from those daydreams. If I were more focused or a better writer I might try to do short stories, but as it is I can turn my imagination to the entertainment of a small group. I like that. If it's not used for some purpose, it's a waste of time. Interviewer: Sounds like you give those random moments value by playing with them? Emily: Yes! I turn them to a better use than thinking “Someday, when I win the lottery” or “Someday when I get to Cancun.” Instead it’s playing with ideas, wondering different paths, making the world deeper, trying to figure out an alternate way to solve a puzzle. Interviewer: Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you play games? How so? Emily: Well...On one hand, I emphasize drama, emotion, and motivation over rules, logic, and the powered-up character. That's pretty stereotypically feminine. On the other hand, many of the guys I play with do the same thing. Interviewer: So in your experience the focus on drama, emotion and motivation aren't as tied to gender as they are stereotyped to be? Emily: Yes. I know women who are of the "Kill it! Take its stuff!" school, and men who'd rather give me twenty pages of background and mull over the emotional consequences of each action. On a large scale, the stereotypes might hold true, but not in my smaller experience. Interviewer: Why do you think these stereotypes of gender preferences in gaming style continue?

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Emily: Because, in general, in society as a whole, these stereotypes still exist and are reinforced. Seems like every other day, somebody cites a study that proves “women are more naturally emotional and communicative” or “men are naturally more aggressive and dominant.” With this happening in society, it’s inevitable that those stereotypes are carried over in some extent into the gaming community. Interviewer: What is your opinion of the claim that gaming books and media are sexist in their representations of gender? Emily: They were much worse once. When I first picked up Dragon, every other page seemed to have a Bare-Breasted Barbarian of some kind. Now, although you still get that approach for a lot of things, there are many more unsexist games. Vampire, for example, is still very sexual, but the genders aren't the "Me Conan-You Nubile Damsel" opposition. GURPS is practically asexual. Deadlands, being set in an alternate 1800s, has gone out of its way to justify the relative freedoms of both women and nonwhites in that time. Toon touches on gender only when it is funny, a la Bugs Bunny in a dress. And D&D3e is orders of magnitude better than its predecessors. I think that having more women players, then GMs, then game designers, has effected this change. Interviewer: How did that progression of female players, GM's and designers affect these changes? Emily: Here's my hypothesis. An early female player keeps playing despite the sexism. Some of the early female players become GMs, and some of them are tired of the sexism and their games reflect it. They also buy less sexist stuff. Some of the women players and GMs toss around ideas about game design. Some of these games get published, with more female influence than there had been before. When a woman has a hand in creating a game, it tends to be less sexist. I know...it's a stereotype, but I think it holds true at the moment. Therefore, more women are drawn to it, or rather, fewer are driven away, and start to play. Thus more become GMs, more eventually have a hand in game design, and the cycle increases until, hopefully, sexism becomes less of an issue. The game itself can continue to be sexist in its setting, I think; it'd be hard to have a nonsexist realist Victorian setting, or to really emulate the pulp-action serials without taking advantage of those tropes. The important thing is to make them optional and intriguing, so that the

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setting can accommodate all kinds of gamers and all kinds of attitudes, even if, in-game, women will still be chastised for showing their ankles. Interviewer: Nice elaborate analysis! What impacts do you see that sexist environment having on women that play?...on the men that play?...on drawing more women to gaming? How does the sexism in gaming affect the men that play?...the women?...the relationships between sexes at the gaming table? Emily: I think that originally, it drove some women away. I don't know this for a fact, but it seems likely. I think that as people, mostly men at that time, began demanding more from their games, they wanted some kinds of realism, where not all the men were studly and muscular, and not all the women had heaving bosoms and chainmail bikinis. Those who dislike the sexism, men and women, seem to have to work extra hard to overcome it; those who internalize or approve of it drive gaming into a future where no women want to play, and the men aren’t interested in real women anyway. Interviewer: It sounds like you see two camps here- those seeking to open gaming up to diversity and those who want it to remain an elitist male clique. Would that be accurate? Emily: In general yes. But I think the people who want it to remain elitist male aren’t thinking of it in those terms. Nobody, I hope, says to himself, “Today I want to exclude women from an enjoyable pastime.” Instead, the very small, I think, number of people who resist women in gaming view women gamers as somehow detracting from the game- too wussy, too uninterested, too dumb. Or that to change the sexist elements of games is to bow to the politically correct world. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on what you mean by men who “aren’t interested in real women anyway”? Emily: Well…First that’s a knee-jerk statement of mine, and I’m a little ashamed of it. But there are men who view women primarily as sex objects, or as accessories, and a thinking, talking, woman with opinions is not of any interest to them, either in a game situation or in a relationship situation. Of course there are women who view men as devices that give money, unconditional support, and constant affection…not persons who have opinions, or get tired, etc.

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Interviewer: Could you say more about this small group of people seeing changing gaming as somehow bowing to the politically correct world and why that is seen as something to be resisted? Emily: I think it’s present in many venues. Because political correctness, pushed to its extreme, is ludicrous and insulting, there are people reacting to it by scorning any attempt to be nonsexist or nonracist. Like talk radio hosts who mock non-sexist speech and gain a sense of machismo form it, some people seem to feel that changing stereotypes is a stupid denial or human nature. The Man Show seems to be a good example of this. I think that there’s an ideal of the game from early Gygax-era days, and that this ideal incorporates a good deal of sexism. That back in the good-old-days, there want the warm-fuzzy nature of superheavy roleplaying, there wasn’t any White Wolf wussiness, there was an orc, a ten-foot room, and a chest, and we liked it! And therefore, to worry about sexism in a game, is to dilute the strength of the pastime for men and boys. It’s curious, I browsed Hazel’s Women in Gaming site recently, and encountered positive response after positive response, and then one single “Women cannot game. Women are incapable of the patience or strategic thinking necessary for games.” No matter how many good, thoughtful gamers are out there; there are still the trolls. Interviewer: How does that kind of "troll" comment after all the positive ones affect you? Emily: I felt tired. Angry. There are so many good people out there, but it just takes one idiot to taint everything for the rest of us. One guy saying women are incapable of games colors the pastime for everyone else. I guess I am tired of this sort of response, because there has been so much done that is positive and useful...but people like this won't change and give us all a bad name. Interviewer: It seems like some of this group struggle to relate to other people as living, breathing, thinking and independent, particularly if the other people are women. It seems like they want to avoid that complexity by objectification, trying to control them, or avoiding contact with them altogether. Would you say that is accurate? Why do you think that is? Emily: Yes, I think so. If all a woman wants to do is be rescued, to hear the story of how you slew the dragon, or to hear your Charisma stat, then you don’t have to worry about actual, messy interaction. I think it’s partly derived from fear- like my own irritation and fear

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about messy social interaction- and partly bolstered by societal objectification. If the magazines imply that women don’t really matter, then maybe they don’t, and one doesn’t have to worry about treating them as thinking beings. Interviewer: Speaking of beings, I am still puzzled about the absence of your counterpart. I guess we’ll just have to continue without her. Where do your character concepts come from and how do you they get developed and put into practice? Emily: Some come from random daydreams...what would I do if I were in this alternate world? What would I want to be if I wasn't myself? Some arise from toying with rulebooks. Some from movies and adaptations of their characters. Most don't get developed until an actual game is around. They stay as one-line concepts till then: dwarven paladin, disgraced female samurai, blind armsmaster, absent-minded scholar. When an opportunity to use them comes up, I confer with the GM about what would be permissible and logical in the game world. Then I flesh them out: add a name, reasons for any major character points (why disgraced? why blind?), quirks or motivations, and some background. I try to choose background and motivations that are likely to influence play. No reason in having two pages of irrelevant material. Interviewer: So your inspirations come from mostly fictional worlds and rulebooks? Emily: Not really. The majority come from tossing around interesting one-liner stories in my head which can be inspired by many sources. Anything from looking at Condoleeza Rice and wondering would be a comparable situation for a fantasy world, to hearing about a friend’s really twisted dream the other night, to catching a fascinating turn of phrase in a scientific essay and drawing it to a silly conclusion. First, there’s the deliberate part of the process: I pick a basic concept, a few things I’d like to get a chance to act or play out, and any world constraints. Next, I let my imagination run wild with those. This is hard to describe – mixing images, interesting story bits, and plain creativity results in a semi coherent background. Then I let the game itself continue to shape the character. Interviewer: Are there particular images or character types that appeal to you more as a woman? To female gamers in general? Emily: Female characters are easier to play, because when I play a male character I have to either play him over-sexual or asexual; I have no idea how to play "standard male".

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Other archetypes and images? No, nothing comes to mind, either for me or for the other women I know. Interviewer: Are there particular female hero types that are more appealing or typical? Emily: Let's see...The tough girl proving her worth against the sexist society (see Mu Lan, The Hero and the Crown); the scrappy street rat, the virtuous healer tending a sickened world, the Ellen Ripley/Sarah Connor gritty realist heroine, the Michelle Yeoh martial artist, the Joan of Arc crusader (see Elizabeth Moon's Paksenarrion), the swashbuckler... Interviewer: Are there things that make each of these uniquely female or feminine hero types, different from male/masculine heroes? Emily: All of the uniquely female are defined strongly by gender roles, whether transgressing them or embodying them. Interviewer: Do you typically play a kind of character or characters with similar qualities and if so why? Emily: Most of my characters have some kind of family, even if they are dead or estranged. I find it hard to create a character without some idea where they came from. Other than that, they don't have much in common. Men, women, straight, gay, asexual, rude, chivalrous, friendly, coarse, naive...I like variety. I try to play different stuff. Interviewer: How do you deal with playing characters that are "different" from you? Emily: It's tough. I sometimes start with a stereotype, then try to flesh it out...I try to imagine my own reactions to some situations, or to make a mental "script" for how a character might react. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on "fleshing it out"? Is it focused on how you would react or more like discovering and getting to know the character, or something else? Emily: It’s difficult to describe. It’s partly like thinking of a character for a book or short story: how do I make him/her believable and not the same as my other characters? Its’ partly an exercise in putting myself in someone else’s shoes – an exercise in empathy, I guess. Sometimes it’s derived from my own reactions, and sometimes it’s a conscious effort to act in a different manner than my own personality. I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful, but the process is at least partially unconscious.

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Interviewer: It sounds like in large part there is a sort of intuitive feeling with the character that guides you. Is that accurate and could you elaborate on that experience even though it’s challenging to find words for it? Emily: Oof…Perhaps it’s related to my ideal of realism. It’s a matter of beginning with motivations, ideals, and thoughts, and exploring fascinating scenarios that sprout from them. “This character is totally cut loose from all his past…will he freeze up and never connect to another person, or will he become fanatically devoted to the first one that come through his wall? What happens if that person betrays him? Would it be a lover, a friend, a student?” Begin with the three-word summary. “Crippled armsmaster.” What happened to get that way? A rival? Or a student? Student’s cooler. What does the armsmaster do now? Does she want revenge or is she full of remorse for her student turning out that way? What could motivate her to go adventuring? With time I explore, without it, I rest on the unconscious. Interviewer: How do you develop your character concepts? Emily: Inspiration from books or movies; fun or intriguing ideas that I want to work in; sitting down and considering what motivations would lead to what behaviors. Experimenting with interesting attitudes or personalities, then figure what might make them more real. For example: for Varsa, I wanted to play someone who was widowed but not haunted by that loss, at least not publicly. She also had to be a rogue for the game. This led to the phrase "merry widow" and the idea of the accompanying garment: sexy, kinda dangerous, baroque. So she'd be young and attractive and fond of black. What would her approach be to life? She's lost someone dear, so she's intent on holding onto her few close friends; but she's also fond of "eat, drink, and be merry." She has to lead some kind of double life, then, switching between a relaxed laissez-faire style and a deep love and fear of more loss. So she has secrets. Perhaps she acts a little brainless and uses that and her beauty to get information or money. Smarter than she looks and sadder than she acts. Now I have a mostly fleshed-out character. The rest gets built over the course of the game, as she reacts to the world and the other players. Interviewer: It sounds like in playing any character it can be a challenge to play it in its fullness and thus one is left playing only the aspects or parts of the character that you can connect

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with in some way or imitate. Would that be accurate? Could you elaborate more on how you bring a character to life? Emily: I think that's where I start from. That is, having aspects that are part of me and aspects that are imitations. But as I continue to play, the character deepens; I can connect with more of it, and the imitations become less stereotypes or quirks and more issues of a genuine personality. And I retcon a bit to explore those stereotypes. For example: Why is the butch bodyguard so unfriendly to pretty women? I thought it might be an interesting quirk, but it's time to explore it. Perhaps...hmmm...in her past, she was very much in love with a very femme woman, who slept around; the bodyguard lost her temper and hit her; she's been ashamed of it ever since and is now rude to anyone who reminds her of that fight. It becomes a matter of fleshing out the character while we play, using the story and the actions in game to define the personality. Interviewer: How do certain concepts catch your attention more than others? Emily: Some have more opportunities for role-playing than others. Some have backgrounds that the GM is likely to use as some kind of plot hook. Some have conflicts set up in their initial concept which would be fun if triggered. Some appeal to ways of behavior that I don’t usually do – the rude, loud character, the irritating pedant. Interviewer: So do the different ideas appeal or catch your interest at different times or do you find yourself attracted to similar interesting concepts more often than others? Emily: Hard to say, especially since I try for variety if I think I’m in a rut. I think different ideas at different times, sometimes related to my knowledge of the system (it’s easier to start out playing fighters). I played some messed-up gender ideas at a point where my sexuality was more in doubt; I played more fighters when I liked a direct approach to things, in college when writing “discourse” related papers was really annoying. I play high-drama characters when my life is a little dull, comic when it’s more full. Interviewer: Can you talk more about how playing certain characters allowed you to explore sexuality issue? Emily: I toyed with a couple of character ideas and discovered a few things. I can’t seem to play a promiscuous character- flirtatious, courting, yes, but not one that initiates affairs. So I think that means I’m a bit more monogamous, even in my head. I never got used to a character that had the consciousness of a man stuck in a woman’s body with a new

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consciousness as well. This was interesting; I got to think about the problem of mismatched desire, and it ultimately illuminated some of my own ideas about myself. I don’t differentiate much between desiring men and desiring women, but I tend to do one more than the other, and then both are valid and capable of real love as well as attraction. Interviewer: Could you describe how you analyze your instinctual/imaginative character creation process? Emily: Idle pop-psychology. “Hmm, I seem to be playing a lot of fighters. I wonder why. Maybe I’m compensating for something- for a lack of direct solutions to my own problems?” “Hmm, my characters are often older than I am. I wonder why. Maybe it reflects a wish to be more ‘grown up’. No, that doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s a conviction that the adventures in life happen later, a comforting thought if I haven’t had a lot of adventures yet.” I try to examine my motives for acting in a certain way, whether it’s a decision to make a new character, or an in-game action that felt right, but had little thought behind it. Interviewer: What have you learned about yourself from the kind of analysis that you describe? Emily: That I love variety…that I distrust the easy answer or the too-honest face…that I still have deep faith even if I can’t always say in what…that I like fixing problems…that I love the blunt direct approach to problems…that the sexuality issues are a real part of me, not just a passing phase…that I love tragedy in my daydreams but comedy in my life. Interviewer: When you say that an in-game act “felt right” for the character but wasn’t really thought out, it sounds like sometimes the characters surprise you. Is that accurate and could you describe what it is like for you? Emily: Yes, it’s accurate. It’s pleasing and startling; sometimes I act against everything that the situation or rules would seem to demand, but there’s no other way to act and stay true to the character. Sometimes it brings out a dramatic tone to the character that I hadn’t thought about. It’s awesome when it happens. Interviewer: Could you share some of the things you’ve been surprised about hearing from a character or what one has done? Emily: Why is my hard-boiled figher getting super-showy with her gunfighting? She’s not supposed to be that flashy. Why is my reasonable priest going all fanatic against this one enemy? What’s he got against dragons? Is there some past that I should make up for him

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that involves a fear or love of dragons? Why has the rogue chosen to face combat head- on? She’s been very in-the-shadows up til now. Should I make her more of a fighter? Or is this a matter of showing off for another party member? Why has the friendly NPC become extremely bitter and reserved at the party’s news? I meant him to be more helpful. Perhaps the news has affected him personally- he takes it as an affront. Why am I giving this sorcerer a level in cleric? She’ll never have high enough Wisdom to make it effective, so it doesn’t make game sense. Perhaps since she has no family anymore, she is looking for some kind of community. Interviewer: Are there particular situations in which characters tend to surprise you? Emily: Often combat; I end up doing a different approach than the usual or smart tactics. Sometime in interaction with a random NPC. Interviewer: Why is it awesome when it happens? Emily: Because it means that the game, the character, and the story are interacting well; that there’s a “life of its own”, that the character has matured beyond the five-word concept I started with. Interviewer: Could you elaborate more on how that feels both pleasant and startling in those situations? Emily: Well, I’m supposed to be in total, conscious control of a character; doing something I didn’t plan on or don’t understand means that either I’m not in control, or I’m not in conscious. I’m startled because I don’t expect it, and pleased because it means the story or the character is gaining a kind of life of its own. Interviewer: It almost sounds like the character attains a state of "autonomy" and that this is a sort of ideal you seek. Is that accurate? If so, why is that ideal? Emily: Yes. I want to begin with a portion of myself, amplified or inverted, and then give it enough time to be something other than a part of a person. A full character is complex, and I think that autonomy and complexity is a desirable outcome. I don't know exactly why it appeals to me; I just know that a one-sided character holds no interest for me. Interviewer: Have you ever analyzed such experiences and what realizations did you come to from doing so? Emily: Let me see…I can’t seem to play total hardcases. I have to give them either a humorous or soft side, even if it’s totally protected. This could mean a couple of things- that I

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believe everyone has a soft spot, or that I can’t close of my soft or silly side completely. The game that I’m running has a lot more sex in it than I thought. That could mean I’m obsessed with sex, not likely given other evidence, or that I believe sex and romance to be very important, or that when I get together with my sister and my boyfriend we’re prone to sex-related humor. Interviewer: What is that like for you to feel the character begin to define her/his own behavior and to make less of a conscious effort to control or direct that process? Emily: A little unnerving, but fun. I also end up paying more attention to in-game action, because it becomes more important as every action determines her/himself a bit more. Interviewer: Could you say more about the unnerving aspects? Emily: Like I said above, it implies that the control of the character has become less conscious, and it’s always kind of unnerving to be part of something not absolutely within one’s control. Interviewer: What about that process is “fun”? Emily: Losing control is also fun, as well as unnerving. As above, it implies that the character has matured; I take that as a kind of victory and a celebration of the game. Interviewer: Could you say more about what you mean by a character having "matured" and how and why that is a victory and celebration of the game? Emily: It’s about gaining autonomy. I think that the move from characters who are just "I wish I was" stand-ins for the players to complex, changing strangenesses is a wonderful feeling. It's hard to explain exactly why, though. Interviewer: Are there moments or factors that contribute to that process, for you as player, for the character or both? Emily: Length of play is important. The more sessions we have to explore our characters, the more likely they are to depart from initial ideas. Friendly GMing and a range of possible paths, allowing characters to develop in many ways. Interviewer: Seems like you learn a lot about yourself by examining what happens in games. What would you say are the most significant things that you have learned? Emily: First would be the lessons from Argave about my own spirituality. Next would be a notable frustration with over planning for any situation. Next would be my belief in the

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importance of family and relationships in forming personality. Next, reassurance of my ability to survive and persevere, even when unhappy. Interviewer: Could you explain in a bit more detail how you discovered some of these other things about yourself by examining what happens in games? Emily: Frustration comes from observing my own behavior while in a party that's spending forty-five minutes trying to plan a way to cross a river. Family and relationships comes from looking at the way I make up a character: I nearly always include some family background, rather than have an orphan without a past. Reassurance...I think that's partially just the boost I get from being in the game, being able to step outside my own troubles and act decisively. Interviewer: Could you say more about the lessons about spirituality from Argave? Emily: It happened over a weird summer and is mixed up with one of the best campaigns I was involved in. When I played the male priest, Argave, we played twice a week. I wasn't getting much sleep, and I was confused about where I was headed when sophomore year started in September. I started dreaming about being Argave, and spent too much time thinking about the character. Ultimately, the escape that playing Argave offered was damaging my ability to act with everything else around me. I ended up with a slightly confused identity due to playing too much during an emotional time. Argave was very naive, uncertain, and passionate about faith. I liked him. I liked the emotion I felt while playing him. Even to this day, he's a touchstone when I want to think about dedication and faith. But it wasn't healthy for me to resort to those feelings and that daydream instead of my own life. Interviewer: How did Argave and your relationship to this character develop and then begin to affect your life? Emily: I threw together a quick background that was notable only in describing how much he loved family and friends. The game quickly became very dramatic, with midnight pursuits, miracles involving Argave, saved lives and lost friends. Meanwhile, cataloguing at the library was so boring I fell asleep while reading numbers aloud, my boyfriend announced that he was moving away and might or might not want to keep seeing me, and I continued to argue with my family. I thought about the game while working at the library so that I didn't have to think about other issues. We played twice a

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week, and there weren't a lot of other social opportunities over that summer. I started having dreams about game, and once dreamt that I met Argave at the library and we talked. I don't know if others noticed how preoccupied I was. My boyfriend noticed that I was less interested in talking about life and more about game in which he was also a player. The game finished at the end of the summer, and although I missed playing, I felt relieved to have work to concentrate on and friends to see all the time. Interviewer: So the unhealthy aspect was that this gaming experience became the sole outlet for dealing with stress? Emily: Yes. It should be a fun activity in life, not the main identifying feature…not even if it’s a stress reliever. Interviewer: What did you like about the emotions when playing Argave? Emily: I felt dedicated, driven, chosen. In some ways it epitomized what I was looking for in games as a kid: high emotions, a sense of Destiny and Adventure. I felt helpful and kind. I liked him a great deal, and idly wished I could talk to him. Interviewer: Why did you wish you could talk to him? Emily: I’d imagined him as a good listener, and it would have been nice to see a product of my imagination from outside of my imagination. Interviewer: What would you have wanted from that interaction? Emily: Reassurance, guidance, and a friend. All of which I had, had I wanted to, I could have found in my social circle at the time. Interviewer: What kept you from talking to him? Emily: Well…he was imaginary, after all…and talking to myself is not fulfilling. Interviewer: Is it really just talking to yourself if his perspective is different from your own? Have you ever had times when you’ve been surprised by something a character you are playing has said or done? Emily: Yes it is different- and yes, I’ve been surprised, even in my daydream conversations with Argave. But I felt that actively talking would push the boundary past harmless- if obsessive- daydreams into the near edge of unstable. Interviewer: So there was daydream conversation in your head but you feel that talking “out loud” would indicate mental instability?

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Emily: Yes. Externalizing the internal conversation…it would have felt sad and worrisome, even if it wasn’t far removed from daydream. Interviewer: So why do you think you sought those things from gaming and this character rather than from your social circle? Emily: Too tired, too stressed, and during the long hours of work, I couldn’t IM [instant message] or call my friends, and that’s usually when I shifted into daydreams. Interviewer: It sounds like though this was in some ways a low point and confusing time for you, that it was also quite positive and continues to be a "touchstone" for certain aspects of your life. Is that accurate? Emily: Yes. It was a good game; he was a good character. But since my life and my work were so confusing, depressing, or dull at that point, the game and the character involved me more than they should have. Interviewer: It almost sounds like connecting with Argave grew more important as "real life" got worse. Was it more of an escape from your problems, a way to cope, or something else? Emily: Both. Thinking about Argave meant I didn’t have to think about troubles in real life, and it calmed and centered me for when I actually had to deal with them. I’m not sure that it was “more important” as things got worse, but it certainly was more welcome. Interviewer: It seems that your experience with Argave holds both positive and negative aspects- a sense of getting too involved and yet a sense of a longer positive experience of that character. Could you reflect a bit more on this complication? Emily: There were definitely positive and negative aspects. Perhaps the complication is that I was enjoying one of the best aspects of gaming: the ability to imagine and engage with a fantasy world, and to act out things that have no outlet in the real world. But it's that same aspect that became damaging. It slipped past the line from valuable entertainment, creative outlet, and stress relief, and came closer to obsession and sole outlet and means of dealing with stress. Perhaps it's the problem with many forms of entertainment or hobbies: that the positive aspects, taken to extremes, become the negative. I believe that I am a healthier, happier person because of my gaming, not despite it.

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Interviewer: There is almost a spiritual tone to the calming and centering you found in thinking about Argave that helped you deal with reality. Is that accurate and could you elaborate more on that feeling? Emily: Yup. Argave, as I conceived of him, was deeply spiritual, almost to the point of naiveté. He represented calm, even in wildness or uncertainty. He represented unshakeable conviction. Meanwhile, I was stressed and uncertain about everything. In some ways, Argave represents a part of my spirituality, and my initial thoughts about conviction and God. Interviewer: It sounds like deeply engaging with Argave gave voice and life to an aspect of yourself and allowed you to explore that further. Is that correct? Emily: Yes. True then, true today. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on what you learned about yourself spiritually from these encounters with Argave? Emily: That I respect and even admire faith, even if I don’t agree with it’s tenets. That unshakeable faith is not a weakness. That asceticism is not necessarily a means of escaping the world. That I’m more spiritual than I thought. Interviewer: Could you talk more about what spirituality is for you? Emily: Ask me after I finish my thesis. Quick and inadequate summary…Immanent divine, present in all things, with multiple natures and faces; morality deriving from a contemplation of such. Neo-paganism is the best label for it, although I am not a Wiccan. Interviewer: Any other examples of this kind of character impact? Emily: During a painful breakup, I played with two character concepts. Only one ever made it into game, but both were necessary for me to explore how I felt about being alone. Both were women, widows, one a warrior and one a rogue. One explored the depression and isolation I felt. The rogue, which I ended up playing for about three months, developed from a woman with an identity crisis without her husband into an in-control, stable, adventurous flirt. Varsa helped me feel that I could be something more than an ex- girlfriend. I could be a star. I could be desirable. This was a good impact, and one I believe to be a wonderful side-effect of roleplaying. The ability to examine one's own feelings at a remove, through acting out or against them in character, is a form of self- reflection and therapy.

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Interviewer: How did these two other female characters and your relationship to them help you to feel you could be "something more than an ex-girlfriend"? Emily: If I could 'stage' it so that these two could go from having lost everything--home, family, lover or husband--to being self-sufficient and strong, then I could definitely survive a breakup and come out just as strong. If I could play a character so well that she came together from loss to hope, then I could do all sorts of other things. If I could act assured and sexy, maybe I could be assured and sexy. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on how character play can be self-reflection/therapy? Emily: It falls through after playing one character for a long time, after the other players and the setting have influenced the character. The most interesting part arises from when you consider the characters that you create and possible reasons for creating them that way. To look at the reasons why I play each character reveals something about my life, whether it's a part that I usually repress and want to bring out, or an aspect of my behavior that I like and want to exaggerate. Since so much of my character creation is instinctual and imaginative, analyzing it is fascinating. Alternately, one could start with a character intending to explore an aspect of oneself. For me, it's usually the other way around: I create something, then later I realize that it reflects a part of me. Interviewer: So playing a character helps you to connect with or imagine new ways of being/thinking/interacting with your world? Emily: Yes. If I can act, for a while, in a way that I’m not used to, or visualize the world in a different way, then I can access that mode of acting or that worldview should I ever need it. Interviewer: How common do you think such experiences are for people that game? Emily: Uncommon but not unusual. Anyone willing to stop and look at the types of characters they are playing or have played and what that says about their lives can gain from it. The negative kind of experience? I don't know. I understand that it's one of the charges leveled against gaming by irate parents' groups: that players become unable to distinguish self from character. I think that it is probably more common than the positive kind, and that it is likely to happen to people who game a great deal with one character and have a fairly uneventful or unpleasant life.

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Interviewer: So would you say that one need only be attentive to the characters one plays and how that relates to one's life to gain from playing a character and having such play affect your life? Emily: Attentive and willing to consider one's motives, and willing to take any further action. By "further action", I mean that one way to gain is to view creating characters in the future in the light of self-analysis, and to use character creation as a conscious way to explore one's own strengths or weaknesses. Interviewer: What are your thoughts about that process of using character creation for the conscious exploration of the self? Emily: I’d like to do it. I want to try to play a chaotic neutral in D&D, and see how easy or hard that is for me to give up standard morals in a game. I’d like to try a much older character to learn about my stereotypes about aging. I’d like to play a largely comic character and see how quickly – if at all – I make him serious. Interviewer: So you’ve used actions and characters and reflected back on them to learn but haven’t intentionally created a character with the intention of doing some kind of self- analysis yet? Emily: Yeah. Kinda silly huh? I think that creating one with the sole intention of exploration would be foolish and lead to a fairly bland character, but to create one partly motivated by that would be interesting. Interviewer: Why do you think that sole intention would be foolish and lead to a bland character? Emily: Like consciously setting out to write a subtext rather than a novel, it doesn't provide any meat for the story. I also think I couldn't just create without other intentions- -I would have to add more details that interested me. Interviewer: Do you think this kind of conscious self-exploration through gaming is always positive for people? Emily: I can’t think of a bad example. It is probably not always positive- few things are – but I am hard pressed to come up with a harmful case of self-exploration. Interviewer: Would it be accurate to say that other players and GMs can influence you to move away from two-dimensional characters?

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Emily: When they expect more from us. If the story demands more than a standard response, then a hack-and-slasher might have to find a different way to solve a problem. If other players are role-playing in more fun ways, they might be rewarded more by the GM – or be having so much fun that a hack-and-slasher might want to join in. Peer pressure, I guess; leading by example. Interviewer: Has your gaming changed or developed over time to reach this level of depth and if so could you describe the changes or shifts and how they happened? Emily: I got bored with the simple concepts. I had demanding GMs who wanted characters with real motivations and real characters, not stand-ins for the players. I have one-shots where we can be as silly and as two-dimensional as we want. I had fun with one moderately complex character, Argave, and found I wanted more. I had GMs who took the plot hooks from backgrounds and played merry hell with them, to everyone’s enjoyment. I read more intelligent fiction and nonfiction, and derived fewer ideas from the simplistic plots I used to love. Interviewer: It sounds like that depth of gaming is more appealing. Why do you find that to be so? Emily: Without it, I may as well hop through a computer RPG with planned responses…I love the unpredictability and mulitiplicity of a good, deep game. There’s just so many ways to go and do! Interviewer: Could you elaborate more on why unpredictability and multiplicity and depth are important to you in a game? Emily: For one, they help to replicate reality and thus make a game more believeable, and more escapist. For another they offer a place for the GM to show off his imagination and share the contents with us. Last, they create a fuller story. Interviewer: Are these appealing to you outside a game context? Emily: Well they exist in life, so I am always dealing with them. I think I like them in my fiction and movies. I feel that the interconnectedness of life itself is deeply important, if not absolute, and that its reflection in a game is, in a way, an opportunity to honor that interconnection in life. Interviewer: WOW! That is incredibly deep and profound and sounds connected to that sense of spirituality you talked about earlier. Could you elaborate on these ideas a bit further?

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Emily: I'll try...In game, we are creating a fictional world. What we put in that fiction is in some way related to what we want or accept about the real world. What we leave out is the escapist part of our thoughts. Perhaps it's racism, or concerns about money, or concerns about acceptance. I play to escape from certain things, as does everyone to some extent. Feelings of insignificance, or anger, or whatever. For myself, however, I do not want to escape from the interrelation of life. To do so would be to reject it in some fashion, and it's part of what I consider most important about life--how everything affects everything else. This is important to me in all my pursuits, and I want to find it in my pastime. Interviewer: Since it seems your counterpart has been unable to join us, could you please describe in detail your process for getting into character? What helps you to stay in character? What prevents that? Emily: Tangents, table talk, and storytelling distract me. So does background noise or music. Consistency from my fellow gamers, keeping the image or motivations in mind. Interviewer: Has that process of getting into character changed over the time you have been involved in gaming and if so how? Emily: Yes. Originally I tried to construct characters with deep histories that never affected the play. Didn't work. I kept thinking of this past and not being able to illustrate it in the present. During the rare times when I've played in more than one game at a time, I had to adopt this conscious shift. Interviewer: Again it sounds like back story is crucial for you to play a character- requiring you to really "get to know" the character. Is that accurate? How do you "get to know" the character? Emily: When I'm getting into character for an NPC in my game, I take ten seconds to bring up an image of the character, remember any secrets or motivations, and try to adopt a pose for the interaction. Example: For the audience with the baroness, I think "Greta Garbo"; clasp my hands in a pose characteristic of this baroness, and remember to act slightly distracted because my son is ill. For a regular character, I imagine parts of his or her life. I try to come up with some past conflict or experience, then imagine it from the character's point of view. I try to keep two or three main attitudes or ideas in mind while I think about him or her, and view all experiences both in-game and in the character's past

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through those attitudes. Stretch, take a minute to think of the primary motivations and characteristics for the character, adopt any voice or speech pattern changes, and maybe change my appearance by removing glasses or letting down my hair. Example: For a coarse dwarven fighter, I stretch, grin, check out the buffness of my stats and feel pride, lower my voice a bit, take a big swig of soda and belch. For an absent-minded scholar, I stretch, remember not to trust anything beautiful and to obsess about details, squint at the pages in front of me, lower my glasses to the tip of my nose, and put up my hair. Emily sips her coffee and takes a moment to stretch and let down her hair. As it falls down, it changes to a lighter color and texture to a fine blond. Her face imperceptible changes and she seems to age instantaneously. Her clothes become the worn robes of a traveler. A holy symbol of a teardrop rests in the hollow of her neck, and she wears two snake-headed daggers. A brooch in the shape of a lily fastens her thick grey cloak. There is a small owl nesting on her shoulder, currently asleep. She is sitting with a steaming cup of tea. Her demeanor speaks of courtly graces and her slim build and hands speak of gentlewomen's work, though a few scars and the traveler’s weariness contrasts this picture of a once sheltered life. “Hello. I am pleased to meet you. My name is Lily Amavi. I am 33 winters in age, a widow and lay clergy of St. Yanar. This is here” she gently strokes the owl, “ is Hieronymus, Hiero for short. I am glad to have been able to join you.” The Interviewer slowly lifts his jaw from the jarring experience and quickly shakes off the shock of the radical transformation. Lily settles in with her mug of tea. The owl on her shoulder blinks sleepily as she sets him on the edge of the booth. Interviewer: Welcome Lily. Thank you so much for agreeing to participate and coming here. I’m looking forward to this interview and hearing what you have to say. As stated in the consent form, your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer. Let’s not waste any time. Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming? Lily: Mm. Gaming...that would be my Unseen Friend, right? I suppose I encountered her about a year ago, at the end of my time of mourning for Hector. I don't even really know that she's there; it's just a feeling of...well, an Unseen Friend, and I don't know that

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I could even vocalize this while awake. How beneficial for you, then, that I am dreaming! I first came to know her in midwinter; while nursing Hiero to health , when I began to wonder if I should leave the small home that was all I had left. I suppose that, to use your words, I sought "participation" in the world. I had been away so long...bound by grief, and ties of home...that to begin a life wandering, seeking my own fortune, was as terrifying as it was interesting. The group I encountered has not been without conflicts; Darrik, for example, is a fool and a liar, not to mention without mercy even for those in situations comparable to his. Ferand, though trustworthy and kind, gives in to animal magics that corrupt his soul and frighten me. And Terwilliger is a fine companion, when he's not trying to talk me into his bed. Interviewer: What have been gaming’s effects on your life? Lily: Gaming's effect on my life? I think that, had I not felt the touch of my Unseen Friend, I would have lived quietly, fading away, perhaps into a loveless second marriage, perhaps simply graying away year after year, until I simply stopped. Now...I have assisted in great wrongs, but set them right; I have found some things to keep living for, whose care and calling demand my work. Interviewer: Have there been any particularly good or bad points? Lily: There have been good times and bad. My greatest triumph, I feel, was when I realized my call to serve St. Yanar. I could feel my Unseen Friend's confusion! I am not skilled in clerical ways, nor was I ever taught much in the way of religion. Yet the name of the Sorrowing Woman called to me and required my devotion, and now I set all my abilities...even the arcane ones...to her service. My sadness? As I stand now, Ferand is dead, as is my once friend Moth, whom I once looked on as a son. There have been long stretches of depression, where I felt aimless or without meaning, but this loss is sharper. In the first month of wandering, I felt that I did not truly know myself. Now I am whole, despite the many trials we have withstood. Interviewer: What happened to Ferand and Moth? Lily: Ferand was slain in our attempt to prevent the Sleeper--a great and terrible force--from being awakened. He stood bravely, but a being of fire destroyed him so much that we cannot reach his soul from its rest. Moth...Moth was my husband Hector's apprentice, and I cared for him like a son. Now Moth is dead, because it was he who sought to wake

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the Sleeper, and his despicable allies. But Moth is the worst, for he led destruction to us, killed wantonly, destroyed what he could not have, and murdered my Hector. And yet I still love the youth who studied with us, who worked through the nights and stole my strawberry tarts on summer days. So I mourn them both. The Sorrowing Lady, Yanar, appeals to me in particular, because I have felt some of the grief she embodies. Interviewer: I am sorry for your losses. What helped you to find yourself and gain your wholeness through your travels? Lily: Accomplishment, first of all. Knowing that I was capable of changing the world for the better. Knowing that I was able to fix my mistakes, even when they were large. Defending my friends. Achieving deeds thought impossible by others--passing through unexplored mountains, or helping the dwarves to change the curse of their infertility. All these deeds teach me that I am able to act without Hector by my side, and without our estate to support me. I am more than my loves and my possessions. I am now my deeds as well. Interviewer: This sounds like you gained a sense of confidence in your own decisions and actions to achieve goals in the world. Why do you think that was missing before your travels? Lily: I believe this was missing before my travels for three reasons. First, my mother and Hector both encouraged me to keep my talents hidden, to stifle any attempt at exploring them. With this part of my Self smothered, I never felt that I could be fully trusted to act wisely, for my first wish was almost always to resort to sorcery when in pain or fear. Second, I never needed to rely on myself; either my mother decided our life, or Hector led me to his world. My decisions were always subject to his approval, even as mistress of our home. Third, I have never had a goal outside my home before; I have never had a misdeed to atone for, or a city to save. I had my family, and they were enough and more than enough. Interviewer: What was your first experience with your Unseen Friend like for you and how did it lead you to "participation" in the world? Lily: I'm not entirely certain when I became aware--and I'm not really aware even now, not when I'm awake. Perhaps she had always been there, shaping my early life, but I first really felt her presence while traveling to the city of Terad's Step. Not coincidentally,

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that was when things began to be...interesting and dangerous. And when I fell in with my fellow travelers. I believe she planted the inspiration that I should leave my home and my widow's weeds; I believe she was responsible for being aware that, after all, thirty- two is not so old for a woman. I think, in my internal discussions, she first started assisting me by strengthening my arguments for leaving home. From there, merely the act of traveling seemed to lead from one danger and one excitement to another. Interviewer: Why do you think the presence of your Unseen Friend led you down this other path? Lily: I don't know her motivations; I hope they are charitable, and not from a wish to see me and others suffer and struggle. I think her presence led me in three ways. First, she provided the impetus to leave my home. Second, she sustained me through danger, assisting me in strange situations with calm and tactics. Third, she has encouraged the development of my sorcerous abilities, and in a nation such as this where the Wizard's Guild holds such power, that determines my path. Interviewer: Why do you think your call to St. Yanar caused confusion for your Unseen Friend? Lily: Well, it's hardly characteristic of me--and certainly nothing I myself could have foreseen! It doesn't provide great advantage to myself; it doesn't give me connections to the Church, as I am a lay practitioner; it does not use my greatest skills and talents. With Terwilliger providing the blessings of his Saint, we were well prepared for situations that required healing. Why should I have turned to that path? Except that I must. I had to. To see, for the first time, the power of One who cares and weeps for a world in pain, who protects the weak...It provided a grounding for the...ahem...sorcerous abilities I was developing. Now I was not merely gaining more power, but becoming better able to serve Yanar. Interviewer: It sounds like she was sort of a nagging voice, alternative perspective, or subtle prod on the edge of your consciousness. Is that accurate? Do you exert a similar effect on her? Lily: Yes, that's accurate. A suggestion, almost imperceptible, and certainly not perceived as an external force--not within waking hours, anyway. I'm afraid you would have to ask her about my influence; from what

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I gather, the time she spends 'gaming' is a fraction of her life. I must be present for mere hours out of her day, where she is there for nearly all of mine. I certainly hope that I affect her. I hate the idea that I could be ignorable, even as an acquaintance. Interviewer: Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you interact in a game context? How so? Lily: Certainly! I am, after all, a woman--and more, a wife, a widow, a mother. My life is defined by the roles that women can play. Were I not a woman, my sorcerous abilities would have been discovered, and eradicated, and my life would have been much shorter. I can choose to approach a situation with honey or vinegar; I can offer a smile, a kindness, and most of all, I can appear harmless. My friend Ferand was never able to truly look innocent when needed, thanks to his strong frame and fighting demeanor. And Terwilliger would not be attempting to sweet-talk me were I not a lady. Interviewer: Is the presumption of innocence because of your gender? How has this helped and/or hindered you? Lily: Yes, and my winning smile and weak constitution. I seem too frail and kind to be capable of deception or strong magic. It's always helped me. I've managed to cool awkward situations with a few well-placed smiles and calming phrases, and sometimes I have been the one to carry an item--because no honorable guard would search me without more cause. And I never give them cause. Interviewer: It sounds as if there can be a kind of power in that- a kind of power from deception of a sort. Is that accurate and could you say more about that power? Lily: I'll overlook the insinuation that I am a deceiver. I think the power comes from manipulating others' expectations, and that it's a simple way to survive in a world where these expectations are ubiquitous. So I seem more trustful; yet bring men alone together and you will hear them curse the duplicity of females. If I can gain advantage from appearing to be what someone already assumes I am, I will use that. Sometimes it's a conscious lie. Mostly it's an unconscious adjustment, a slipping into the proper role. Interviewer: Why as a woman were you able to hide your sorcerous abilities in a way that a man could not? Lily: I was not detected as a sorcerer because the tester came to our village when I was sixteen and failed to test me before we'd spent time together. Then Hector had to decide between

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condemning me to the "disappearance" that takes all sorcerers, or lying to cover the woman he now loved. Had I been male? Hector would not have fallen in love with me, and would not have hesitated to turn me in. I did not love him with this aim, but I am pleased indeed that it came about. Interviewer: You seem both confined by your female roles and yet find a kind of freedom in that. Lily: I do regret not having the choice to exit these roles without serious consequence. Interviewer: It seems you have more options to handle a situation open to you as a woman, honey, vinegar, smile, kindness or appearing harmless. Is that accurate? Any other options that your gender affords you? Lily: That is accurate. At least, I believe it to be so. I can feel that my Unseen Friend disagrees. Other options? I suppose I could sell myself if it came to that, but I refuse to consider such actions. Interviewer: With your sense of your Unseen Friend's disagreement - if you could guess what do you think she disagrees with and why? Lily: Let me think. Ah. She says that I am a "prude" and a "sexist" and that I take shelter in believing myself to be different and weaker. I think her world is far less clearly defined, and so she seeks to impose her standards on my life. It is a topic on which we have agreed to disagree. Interviewer: Can you think of other times she seeks to impose her values on your life? Lily: I can think of times when we've disagreed. She likes the diversity of experience. I don't care for some things...I find certain parts of society dirty, literally, not figuratively, at best, and disgusting at worst. She has fondness for loudness, raucousness, and though she doesn't seek to force me to act that way, she does enjoy it more than I. Interviewer: Do you ever impose your values on her life? Lily: No, I simply refuse to accept hers. Perhaps that simple act of resistance forces her to encounter my values with clearer eyes, but it's not an imposition. I also don't think I could talk her into my way of life, any more than she could me. Interviewer: It sounds as if part of the sustaining bond is the ability to agree to disagree- to resist the imposition of the other's values, desires and yet still to affect one another and see things more clearly because of that difference. Is that accurate?

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Lily: Oh, yes. In fact, that is quite a nice way to put it. We are so close, because we are not alike. Were we alike, we could not be this close--we would have identity, not sympathy. Interviewer: What is your opinion of the claim that RPGs are sexist in their representations of gender? Lily: I suppose that most women I would encounter in a...story...like mine, would be younger, and often more alluring. I believe that the illustration of what women of all races should look like involves quite a bit more cleavage than is truly decent, on all of them. And, though I mean no offense to my dwarven sisters, there are times when cleavage is uncalled for. It's just...immodest. Interviewer: Are your biases about looking alluring and showing cleavage typical of women you know? Lily: No, I suspect I am more prudish than the norm. I want to look like a woman with class; to be all heaving bosoms and tight bodices is tasteless. Interviewer: Are they influenced by your age or previous experiences and how so? Lily: Because I am a widow, I dress modestly, and I think I expect others to do so--if not consciously. Also, when I was with Hector, I had to look respectable, not cheap. Interviewer: Are there other reasons for your biases? Lily: In all honesty...Perhaps I am jealous of those who are younger and more attractive, or who gain the attention of many. Perhaps, also, I feel that these women set a standard for me of availability and sensuality that I do not wish to reach, yet I do not feel happy about failing. Interviewer: Sounds like you feel a bit trapped, not wanting to appear too sensual or available yet feeling you fail to meet some standard. Is that correct? Could you say more? Lily: I don't feel trapped. These are the boundaries of my life, and to move past them would be to change myself in a fundamental way. I am free within these boundaries, in fact far freer than I would have believed, but I don't try to go past them. Whenever I feel that I have fallen short, by not seeming as attractive or available, I remind myself that I chose this way--the reserved clothes of a respectable widow, the reserve in my attitude--and that I gain from its strengths. I would not feel the benefits of changing myself, because I would lose what I have already built. I'm sorry; that's rather obtuse. But do you understand why I am not trapped, yet am restricted? A metaphor: when I married

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Hector, I knew I would not be able to sleep with many men, even if I found them desirable. But embracing that restriction made everything within those boundaries far freer. Because I am bounded I can reach deeper within those bounds. Interviewer: Have you ever experienced what you would consider sexism, gender oppression, discrimination or just being made to feel uncomfortable because of your gender in a gaming context? Lily: I don't think so. When Terwilliger makes propositions towards me, I think it's because he thinks he has to. I don't find them oppressive, just unwanted. He's sweet when he's disappointed. All in all, the world in which I live, and the persons that I interact with, are usually equitable between men and women. Interviewer: It sounds as if your world is pretty gender equitable. Is that accurate? Lily: Yes, it is. More men than women are in positions of power, but we are bearing babies for a good part of our lives, so that diminishes time to be active and in power. Interviewer: It also sounds like you see Terwilliger's advances as a part of a gender role that he is confined by - "he thinks he has to". Lily: Yes...but also part of the role of "suave gentleman" that he tries to act, not very successfully. Interviewer: Does this help you to find them less oppressive and activate a sense of pity or mercy for him? Lily: I have never found them oppressive, because I have never taken them seriously. He's not in love with me, nor does he truly desire me, and I do find him sweet when he tries. Perhaps I am a bit of a challenge to him. I do pity him somewhat...he should settle down, or at least visit a courtesan if he's truly desperate. I don't think he is, though. He just finds it another form of entertainment to proposition me. Interviewer: It sounds as if the perception of oppression or threat is very much based on the context and relationship and because you find him sweet and have some pity for him and see it as just a way to amuse himself, his actions are not threatening or oppressive. Is that accurate? Could you imagine how things might change in such a way that his actions might be threatening or oppressive? Lily: Yes, that's accurate. I can't imagine things changing, because that would require him to change in a fundamental manner. Perhaps under the control of another, he might be

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threatening. But Terwilliger is not an evil man, never threatening or dangerous to me. Now that I've joined the faithful, I think he is even less inclined to become serious in his overtures. Wait... My Friend tells me that may be a result of his Unseen Friend being female, but as that is so obviously preposterous, I shall pay it no mind. Interviewer: Not to push again into unseemly territory but you seem unable to imagine a male "befriended" by a female Unseen Friend, and yet consider briefly that perhaps this is why Terwilliger's advances seem less threatening. Would/could you elaborate more on your thoughts and feelings about this possibility? Lily: I think that, were Terwilliger truly influenced by a female Friend, he would be more effeminate than he is. He's obviously male and manly, not some epicene sex, which would be created by such a joining of minds. A woman could not possibly encourage him to act as he does. The man lost all his gold in a drunkard's whorehouse, for goodness' sake! Either a woman would not lead him to a place of such degradation, or she would be far too licentious to be the Friend of a priest--even such a worldly priest as he. No, Terwilliger's advances are less threatening because he is a good and kind man at heart, not because he is in contact with a female Friend. Interviewer: What have been your experiences, if any, of being played by someone of a different gender than your player? Lily: Goodness! I have never experienced such a thing...it feels, in some way, improper. I can't even bear to think of it! Interviewer: It seems here that your modesty takes over. Why do you think such a thing would be improper and how do you know that your Unseen Friend is female? Lily: What do you mean, how do I know that she is female? How could it be otherwise? It's like asking me whether I knew my mother was a woman, or my son a boy! The very idea of a man--a male mind controlling or suggesting or influencing my ideas--makes me ill! The only man to know my mind intimately was my husband, and there will be no other. She is like a close female friend, a sister. To involve the things that happen between men and women into this relationship is to complicate the touch of minds, even to contaminate it with unwanted... sexual matters.

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Interviewer: I did not mean to offend and apologize. Please forgive me. It sounds as if this connection is quite intimate and to consider it as cross-gendered would somehow "contaminate" it, almost as if all relationships between men and women will have to in some way or another contend with “sexual matters." Lily: Well, they nearly all do, don't they? Yes, to bring a cross-gendered aspect to this would contaminate it. How could any man understand the mind of a woman? I apologize. I just don't think you understand how disturbing an idea that is. Interviewer: Perhaps we should move on to a different topic. Could you please describe in detail your process for making yourself present in the gaming context? What helps you to stay present and what prevents that? Lily: I offer gentle reminders; I try to keep my Unseen Friend thinking through my words and my voice, with gentility and calm. She tends towards profanity and frivolity, and if I can restrain her speech, I can usually affect her decisions. She lets her hair down, and this reminds her to be ladylike. I have had to constantly remind her during tense moments NOT to give in to anger...or is she reminding me? I cannot tell, honestly, in the heat of the moment. I have a slightly higher and calmer voice than she, which she tries to emulate. Interviewer: How do you present those reminders and gentility and calm? How do you restrain her speech? Could you elaborate more on how you remind each other not to give in to anger? Lily: Describing these processes is quite difficult. You see, it's part of how we interact--with myself barely conscious of her presence, and she not directly talking to myself as much as through myself. So I cannot say, "I whisper in her ear", or "I hint at such-and-such", because I don't. But by remaining myself, I remind her that she is acting for me, and not to behave as I would not. I am a lady; therefore, the more ladylike I am, the more she must remember to be courteous. A subtle presence; I am there, and that is all I do; but that presence affects her. Interviewer: What keeps you involved? Lily: If my Unseen Friend stays with me, I think it will be out of a wish to see where my path takes me. I still have several geas [imposed quests] to take care of, before I can rest, and

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even then I am not certain I shall wish to rest. Perhaps there are lands upon the Western Ocean who could use the healing touch of the Lady of Mercy. I think that what keeps me acting is a desire to know...what next? And a feeling that I cannot ignore the wrongs in this life, simply mourning them and moving on; I must act. Interviewer: How has the presence of your Unseen Friend played a part in this? Lily: She's given me a taste for adventure, for good or ill. Her inspiration--or coercion, perhaps- -in leading me to the roads has led me to these deeds, and to the desire for more. Interviewer: You say "inspiration, or coercion, perhaps." These seem like two very different types of relationship. Which of those fits with your relationship with her? Lily: You see it is hard to tell. From my splintered knowledge of 'gaming', I seem to think that she controls my every action, decides what color dress I will wear, decides if I will respond to a smile with a frown or a wink. Yet I also know that I decide these things, and that no slave master exerts such mental control. If there is coercion, it is so subtle that I cannot know it; that does not mean it does not exist. However, I prefer to think of her as muse, or conscience, or daemon. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on that word "daemon"? Lily: Daemon; it's not a 'demon' or a force of evil, it's...er...You see, this was never fully explained to me, since I only joined the church as a layman and have had no formal education of this sort. It is a part of oneself that one can speak with, like an imaginary friend when one is a child. Hector used to call it 'arguing with my daemon' when he would work on plans for a new device, or have an internal debate over which divination to attempt when. Interviewer: Do you believe that you serve as a muse, conscience or daemon to her as well? Lily: Difficult to say. I do not believe that I influence her life as much as she mine; I think that time runs differently there, so what has been mere months for me is years for her. Perhaps I serve as a conscience, or a muse under certain conditions. I would like to think that I can act as a daemon for her. Interviewer: How do you serve as "daemon" for her? Lily: In a similar way; like an imaginary friend who speaks for parts of her, who offers a different impression or experience; as she seems to take the position of this voice, so I would hope I do the same. Such that...hm…perhaps, when she is thinking about what it

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means to be a good friend, my example is there before her, to approve or discard after she considers it. I am a dissenting voice, but not a hostile one. Interviewer: Under what conditions are you a conscience or muse for her? Lily: There are situations where she may consider my life when thinking about the things she encounters. My example thus provides a way of life that she has not directly experienced, but thanks to me can in some way imagine. For example, when she considers whether to treat someone who has harmed her with kindness or with coarseness, she can look on the way I reacted. Some I treated with forgiveness; others had gone too far in their damage. And other times I acted out of spite, and felt petty and irritable. I believe she finds some of these acts understandable and others unsympathetic. However, there are other conditions where it is unreasonable for my example to be considered, or for her to act as daemon to me. She has no children; she can only begin to imagine what is like to care for one's son. I have too much danger to consider angst, or lethargy, or the confusions of a vast and largely anonymous world. I confess I do not understand even that statement. How can one be in a great city and feel alone in such a fundamental way? These situations are not ones that we can easily share. Interviewer: Could you please describe any experience you have had of impacting on each other’s lives or sense of self at some point and explain how it influenced you? Lily: Certainly my Unseen Friend has influenced my life; the joint control we seem to share over certain actions is an example of that. I believe that I have, in some way, influenced hers in return. Perhaps she takes courage from my devotion to St. Yanar, and sees some of her own faith in that. Perhaps she has watched me come from deep grief through trials into a sense of wholeness; though I do not know where I shall go from here, it may finally be time to leave my mourning behind. I think that she realizes that she cannot hang on to the hurts of the past, even if those hurts define us. I offer advice that I cannot take! I cannot...not yet...leave my loss. But I encourage her to do so. I think that initially, she did not identify with me, and only through my changes and hers have we reached a point where she sees myself in her and vice versa. Interviewer: Could you give me an example of a certain action over which you seem to share joint control?

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Lily: Moments in combat, particularly. To rush forward, ignoring my own safety: I do not believe I would have enough impetus for this on my own, but her prodding and my fear for my friends joins together to bring me to the front of conflict, sometimes with poor results. Interviewer: It seems that from your perspective she has learned more from you than you have from her. Is that accurate? Lily: I don't think that's quite right. You see, although she has definitely learned more lessons from me, I have gained far more in encouragement from her, and the resulting events have taught me much. Interviewer: What things have you learned from her or been influenced by her? Lily: That it is not enough simply to exist, or to retreat into grief, that even the best intentions may be manipulated., hat the call of my heart and my faith should never be ignored. Most of all, I think, I have come to enjoy and love my sorcerous talents, where once I feared and hated the way they made me different and dangerous. Interviewer: You speculate considerably on what she has gained from you. How do you get that sense of what she may have learned from you? Lily: In the same way that I cannot communicate how I know who and what she is, I don't really know how I know what she has learned. The closest I can come is to say that her...touch...is different now than once it was. I think that she treats me with a different attitude, seeing her own questions reflected in my actions. But I cannot really say how I know. Interviewer: Could you elaborate on how she sees her questions reflected in your actions? Lily: She thinks ‘I believe I am somewhat talented; can I turn those to aid others? Must I make that aid the center of my life?' Yes, and if you feel you are called to it, but not if you are dragged. She thinks, 'I believe in a God, but I cannot embrace all the tenets of the church.' Then you need not; instead you should worship her the best you know how, holding yourself to a morality equally as strict as the church such that you are not being contrary or permissive. 'There is something fundamentally wrong with society, but it is huge. Can I do anything?' You can act in small ways, and you can build your life as a bulwark against that wrong. Interviewer: How did these changes help you to see yourselves in each other?

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Lily: My faith leads her to examine her own, and I see the doubts I have undergone in setting out in the world in her current state of mind. As she learns more about who I am, she respects some behaviors and dislikes others, and therefore seeks to increase or decrease those behaviors in her own life. Interviewer: Here again it sounds as if experiencing the image of the other in your lives develops into a kind of respect or admiration for what the other presents. Could you say more about this? Lily: Not solely respect, I think; she does not like some of my actions, and seeks to remove them in her own life. She respects others, and emulates them. But I think that this 'image of the other' that you mention does lead to positive and negative reactions, and applying those reactions to oneself. Interviewer: It sounds like having the "image of the other" leads to reactions which one then "applies" to oneself perhaps in some sort of reflection and process of development, growth or change. Could you say more? Lily: I think so, yes. Image...reacting...seeking to place the reaction within oneself. No, I believe this is a succinct and clear way of putting it. Interviewer: This also sounds like what was discussed previously about the importance of difference between you in the relationship. Could you elaborate on that? Lily: Yes, of course, it is quite similar. What could be gained from an identical image? Nothing; it is where are differences exist that we react to each other, and from there we change, although not in such a way as to converge on each other. Interviewer: How common do you think such experiences are for people that game? Lily: I can't imagine that you could touch...or control...another's life for some time and not be changed in some way. Perhaps as small as being reminded of one situation when encountering another; perhaps a change in mannerisms. It doesn't have to be extreme. Quite common, I suppose. Interviewer: What are some of the small ways that happens? Lily: I swear a bit more now than I used to, although that could be because I am no longer expected to act with decorum at all times. She is reminded of my philosophy about serving St. Yanar at times--that my sorceries are not priestly acts, but they can be put to

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Yanar's service and should be. She sees a reflection when considering her actions that are not explicitly religious. Interviewer: Does your Unseen Friend typically influence you to do things for your advantage? Has she ever influenced you to an action that was disadvantageous for you? Lily: I don't know that serving Yanar is truly 'to my advantage', outside of my sense of joy in her service. Occasionally she--my Friend, that is, not St. Yanar--has encouraged me to take grave risks, or not dissuaded me from a foolish action. I do not believe that I would have entered the lair of the worm Leatherback without her courage. I also believe that she deliberately did not discourage me from walking away in a fit of anger one night-- which led to a particularly nasty incident with a manticore, in which I nearly died. So she does not have my interests as her sole and paramount concern, though I believe she cares for my welfare. Interviewer: It sounds like much of her presence is a challenge to you to grow and change and face new challenges. Is that accurate? Lily: Yes; she is a challenge, and she challenges me. And thus I become more than I could have dreamed. Each decision where she nudges me towards the harder path, I have found rewarding; each time she encourages me to face something with greater resolve, I find that resolve within myself and thus know that I am stronger and deeper than I believed. Interviewer: Do you imagine your relationship to each other changing over time? How might it change? Lily: I truly can't imagine it changing and still remaining. If she were to disappear, I can imagine that, but becoming conscious of her, or exchanging conversation in a literal fashion? I don't think it's possible, and I find it somewhat disturbing. As if it would imply some kind of broken boundary--either my world must be changed in order for that to occur, or some mental disturbance must take place. Interviewer: It sounds like you feel the need to maintain a sort of separation or boundary not only to maintain your separate identities but to maintain some fundamental division between your worlds. Am I getting that right? Lily: Yes. If I am to feel real, I must be distinct from her. I cannot be solely her dreaming self. This boundary keeps us separate and connected: separate, in that we can never meet; connected, because if we were to meet, we would not have the same closeness of mind

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that we share as Friends, but be subject to the same distance that separates each person from another. Interviewer: It seems like there might be some fear of how crossing such a boundary might change you both or change your worlds? Lily: Yes, there is fear of that. I think that to cross such a boundary might reveal my world to be fiction, and that is something I cannot contemplate and still hold to sanity. Think for a second--if you were to discover that your entire life were nothing but a momentary blip in another story--that you were a minor character in another's narrative--if all the greatness and suffering in your world existed only to make it interesting for a few others-would that not be terrifying? Interviewer: This is all very profound and I agree it could be terrifying to imagine being someone else's fiction. How do you think meeting would destroy that closeness of mind you have with your Unseen Friend? Lily: We'd have to be separate to meet, I think; and with that separation comes loss. I like the instantaneous nature of our relationship, our immediacy, and the bar of communication would lie between us, as it does between all persons. Two people can never be conscience and mind, they must be two complete people. Interviewer: It sounds as if you assume your reality to be less "real" than hers. Could you elaborate on or clarify this? Lily: I think perhaps the time differential is what signifies this. I have a faint sense, here in this dream, that she is responsible in some way for creating me; therefore, the causal relationship implies that the reality lies on her side more than mine. Time moves faster for her, and I have no influence over the time that passes without my presence; she, on the other hand, is constantly with me for the last several months. Interviewer: Would you say that mindfulness of that subtle presence is an important part of the relationship? It also sounds like the relationship involves a delicate balance of honoring separateness and distinctness of the other while appreciating the immediacy and intimacy of the connection. Is that accurate? Lily: I would say so, yes, to both questions. Awareness of the delicate nature of the balance is important, and the immediacy is so fundamental that it is almost impossible to forget it.

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Interviewer: Could you elaborate on the statement: "two people can never be conscience and mind, they must be two complete people." Lily: Hector explained it to me at one point when he had summoned an unseen servant. He explained that the servant was a fragment of his own mind, separate from him but not truly distinct. I didn't understand how this was different from his familiar, Bubo, Hiero's mother. Hector explained that Bubo talked back to him , disagreed with him, and in short was simply like having a friend talking inside his mind. She was a 'person', insofar as an intelligent owl can be that. But his servant was a portion of him--in this case, the part that was conscientious about clearing his library and laboratory. Interviewer: Do you see you and your Unseen Friend as two distinct and complete people or as aspects of some united mind or conscience? Lily: Two people...I think...I...I don't know. In this dream-space, I know she is a distinct person, and in my waking world I know I am myself, distinct and whole. Yet I cannot seem to hold both ideas together, because we are so very tightly tied that we are more than two separate people! We are...Our individual natures cannot be held in the same space. She could not join the two of us here in the Crossroads Inn, because in a way she is already here. Yet she lives in her world, and I in mine, and we touch different lands, walk different roads. Interviewer: Are there other aspects of… Lily: Oh, dear. Terwilliger is waking me for my watch. Hiero, come to Momma...good boy! You get a mouse tonight! Thank you for a lovely meeting. With time, perhaps understanding will be reached. She finishes her mug of tea, and yawns. She stand up and Lily turns to go, and seems to fade with every step away from the booth, until there is no sign she was ever here. ______A calling may be postponed, avoided, intermittently missed. It may also possess you completely. Whatever; eventually it will out. It makes its claim. The daimon does not go away (Hillman, 1996, p. 8). ______

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“Called” Commentary Several things stand out in the encounter with Emily and the character Lily. The first was the richness of the gaming experience for an experienced player. Emily reported that she very much enjoyed the opportunity to think so intently about her gaming experiences. She noted that it satisfied an “intellectual curiosity” despite that at times this level of reflection felt like it bordered on “navel gazing” and that “for some to study gaming this hard is to take the fun out of it.” Emily was also positive about the opportunity play Lily for an extended period of time without the distractions and shifts of frame that typically occur during a game. She noted that this greatly expanded her depth of understanding of Lily, her motivations, desires, and attitudes. She noted that at times this was quite challenging, particularly in “How hard it was to think as Lily for long periods of time. How I felt constrained by her voice, when I could understand something and she couldn’t verbalize it.” Emily reports that the interview process has been helpful in spurring her to “new ways of thinking about my characters” in particular trying more and more different characters and continuing to reflect on what they about her. She also indicates that by playing more different characters she is trying to “…manage the empathy. Can I still maintain that tension of connection with, say, a 60-year-old male ex-torturer? Or a middle-aged medieval priest?” Such a goal fits well with Watkins (2000) ideals that relativizing the ego can help us to develop empathy for not only the imaginal others but for the others of the world that surrounds us. Emily’s thoughts about her role as gamemaster seem to demonstrate that empathy, but primarily for the sake of the game and its players. She reports that the interview process has affected her “thoughts about the way I run games and what I demand and expect from players” in particular trying to understand what motivates each of her players and their characters. She states, “If I can engage these different drives, I can engage the players and make it a better game.” But she hints at the deeper implications of these experiences. When asked further about the relationship between self, character, and identity when she says, “The stories we tell about other people are stories we tell about ourselves, and these stories reveal or construct our selves.” Emily’s comments on the nature of that relationship between self and character and how that is demonstrated in this encounter strikingly leads us further into the depth of her experiences, beyond their existence just for the game. In the third reflexive interview, Emily defined that relationship,

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It is a relationship based partly on wish fulfillment, partly on curiosity, and partly on empathy. Wish fulfillment because a character represents an opportunity to be someone else, and this is almost always an expression of ‘things the self would like to be.’ Sometimes this shows up in the cool gadgets the character has, or in the intricate drama of his/her early life. Curiosity because it’s an opportunity to act differently and to see what those motivations, gadgets, dramas do to oneself. And empathy because the self must constantly imagine another person’s motivations and thoughts. She notes that consciousness about these processes can be helpful as she can recognize the escapist aspects and see when she is using fantasy to fill in gaps in a harmless and fun way and she can use a character as a “proving ground” for exploring the consequences of various behaviors. She notes that games remain “escapism, but with value.” She values that she can use a character for fun or for self-exploration. Emily finds that this exploration can help her to be “adding to a central identity.” She is careful however about that line between self and character. “I still hold a strong wall between self and character, but I find the tension very important: I must be able to make some connection with the character, but that connection cannot be identity.” That distinction between self and character is another striking element of this encounter. This encounter highlights exploring the differences between Emily and her characters, particularly Lily and the nature of their interactions. Like Jennifer and Siv, both Emily and Lily expressed themselves in unique ways that provided a distinct experience of each of them. Both Emily and Lily individually talked about their relationship and interactions. Emily noted that at points it was challenging to express that relationship for herself and to find words for that experience that were Lily’s and not Emily’s. Both noted the importance of maintaining a distinction or separation but holding that difference and tension through connection. Emily noted that this can be fun, As Lily specified: if we were the same, it wouldn't be a game; if we were completely alien to each other, we wouldn't be able to connect. The tension of maintaining that state is a constant demand, but one which creates an enjoyable game space between two non- fun extremes. This kind of consciousness is best captured by Siegelman (1991) as, tolerance for the “both/and” of lived experience (rather than “either/or” or “nothing but” reductions of that experience) enhance one’s sense of meaning and depth….By hewing to

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a multivalent, richly ambiguous view, rather than settling on something misleadingly simple, certain and flat, we honor the tension of opposites (p. 167). It is this kind of complex consciousness which Kegan (1982, 1994), Hillman (1985, 1991), Anderson (1997), Rappaport, Baumgardner, and Boone (1999), Wilber (1998), Watkins (2000) all indicate from their own theoretical perspectives and for their own reasons, is necessary for humankind in facing our increasingly complex world and relationships to self and others. This also echoes the work of feminist scholars regarding the kind of relational qualities that foster growth and connection and support a relational model of self (Jordan, 1997; Miller, 1997). This tension is most salient in Emily and Lily’s differing views on gender and gender roles. During the interview with Lily, the feminist views of Emily kept intruding. Questioning her own viewpoints clearly challenged Lily. Emily noted in the reflexive third interview that Lily was created as being “happy in traditional gender roles and willing to defend them” though it was typically not as central during the game as during the interview. Emily noted that the interview in some ways helped her to realize “just how sexist she really is.” She commented about Lily’s traditional and somewhat sexist beliefs, I found it funny. I liked seeing that I was able to characterize something that's so outside of what I really think. I liked feeling that I had adequately characterized an opposing opinion without making her a 'straw man'…I disagree with her but I find her approach valid. I'm not going to discard the happiness she finds there as "total delusion and repression", but I do not think it is ideal, nor do I think it is biologically determined. She has chosen these roles, and now she believes that they were predestined by her gender. That's her business, not mine. A third feature of this encounter, which was quite amazing, was the characterization of the relationship between Lily and Emily as one of the daimon. Lily noted that it works “like an imaginary friend who speaks for parts of her, who offers a different impression or experience. As she seems to take the position of this voice, so I would hope I do the same…I am a dissenting voice, but not a hostile one.” Lily notes how she believes Emily may use her experiences as a comparison to her own life and experiences. “I think that initially, she did not identify with me, and only through my changes and hers have we reached a point where she sees myself in her and vice versa…I think that she treats me with a different attitude, seeing her own questions reflected in my actions.” Jung (1963) talked extensively about such encounters with figures from the

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unconscious and how they helped him to realize there were aspects of the psyche which he did not create. He noted that one such figure, Philemon, “represented a force which was not myself” which provided “superior insight” (p. 183). James Hillman (1996) has written extensively about such imaginal others and in particular the notion of the daimon as something neither human nor supernatural but coming from the middle ground of soul. He notes that the daimon provides an image for the person that soulfully drives their life and character and serves at the acorn for the tree they are becoming. “We come to the world with a magical and otherworldly counterpart that is not supposed to be around when and where we are” (Ibid. p. 183). To see this image, this daimon, or genius one must train ourselves to see it by training the imaginal eye, “Therefore you find your genius by looking in the mirror of your life…It therefore becomes critically important to see generously or you will get only what you see; to see sharply, so that you discern the mix of traits rather than a generalized lump; and to see deeply into dark shadows, or else you will be deceived” (Ibid. p. 259). It seems then that Emily and Lily are one example of such a daimonic relationship and that gaming continues to provide a potentially powerful way to encounter and see the daimon. Such encounters can also help us tap into the energy and power of creativity (Diamond, 1996). Furthermore, these encounters continue to provide an opportunity for relating to the daimon as Watkins (2000) talks about regarding developing relationships with imaginal others. This relationship between Lily and Emily however seems but one facet of the relationship to the daimon, one that brings us to the real power of this story. When Emily and Lily’s relationship is placed up against Emily’s tales of her interactions with the priest character Argave, it highlights how both of these characters seem to express a deeper relationship to spirituality and issues of faith and calling. Emily notes that her interactions with Argave, during a very troubling time of her life, were worrisome, as they became her sole means of coping with the stress in her life. However she noted how this imaginal character and her interactions with him served to calm and center her, served to provide support and encouragement and it would seem ministering to her. She notes that he “represents a part of my spirituality, and my initial thoughts about conviction and God.” Argave provided a voice to an aspect of herself that she could continue to explore. He helped her to realize, “That I respect and even admire faith, even if I don’t agree with its tenets. That unshakeable faith is not a weakness. That asceticism is not necessarily a means of escaping the world. That I’m more spiritual than I thought.” Lily seems

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to provide similar insights for Emily, expressed in Lily’s description of how her experiences may influence Emily, She thinks ‘I believe I am somewhat talented; can I turn those to aid others? Must I make that aid the center of my life?' Yes, and if you feel you are called to it, but not if you are dragged. She thinks, 'I believe in a God, but I cannot embrace all the tenets of the church.' Then you need not; instead you should worship her the best you know how, holding yourself to a morality equally as strict as the church such that you are not being contrary or permissive. 'There is something fundamentally wrong with society, but it is huge. Can I do anything?' You can act in small ways, and you can build your life as a bulwark against that wrong. That sense of spirituality is not just in these characters for her, but is manifested in the game in general for her. During her reflexive interview she noted, “I realized that my desire for interconnection, interaction, and a sense of 'no main character' but complex interweaving of story within a game, is derived from the value I place on the idea of interconnection between all things, and the way in which I perceive that as sacred.” Interestingly, Mackay (2001) hints that games may include such a spiritual dimension, but it is one his analysis does not explore. What is even more fascinating is how these recurrent spiritual characters continued to echo through Emily’s life and seemed to have exerted their influence as daimons do. During the time of the later interviews, Emily began struggling with the decision to attend graduate school in Divinity and eventually made that leap. She was accepted to a prestigious Divinity school. She states in her reflexive interview, Actually, I think that the two characters helped me realize that Divinity was a calling. Call them a symptom of a not-fully-realized desire to seek and serve and wrestle with God(s). I think that conceiving of faith in the simple systems of a roleplaying game helped me see that faith was a question I was wondering about every day in the real world, and that it could be where I was headed. Since the completion of the interviews, Emily has continued her academic pursuits and is considering doctoral studies. She noted in a recent email that her decision was in part due to the interview process and me. While we must be careful not to assume such powerful yet subtle effects for everyone who engages in these games, Emily’s story provides powerful demonstration that such encounters with imaginal others in the context of a game, may be more

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than just fun and games and may provide a powerful way of entering a liminoid space and encountering the self in ways that are indeed transformative.

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Chapter 6: The Return The homey, lively ambience of the Crossroads Inn has truly begun to settle into the bones. The warm glowing fire and the sounds of chatter between so many different beings makes it hard to focus on any one and invites a state of reverie and contemplation of this space between worlds. ______One major consideration of this project is the ways that role-playing games may serve as liminoid spaces. Returning to the work of Turner (1969) and Moore (1991) we distill the qualities of liminoid space as being fragmentary, idiosyncratic spaces with permeable boundaries that typically involve leisure or play. These spaces are separated from the center of the culture and created by people marginalized from the central institutions to gain some sense of recognition and transformation but without knowledgeable stewards who intentionally seek to guide that process of transformation. Such spaces evoke a sense in those participants as being between identities, both me and not me, which may facilitate new perspectives on self and world. Huizinga (1950) stresses the importance of play spaces for these cultural transformations. Role-playing games show a number of characteristics of liminoid spaces, at least for some players, in that their participants are a marginalized subculture of people who find fun, social interaction, and perhaps something deeper from their participation. The primary intention of these “imaginary-entertainment-environments” (Mackay, 2001) is the creation of a shared and co-created imaginal space between the “real world” and “fantasy” where the intersection of person, player, and characters is played out. The permeability of these boundaries allow popular culture references to slip into and enrich the fantasy space while the adventure, excitement, and vicarious thrills of acting the part of hero can enrich the gaming experience of the players. In this gaming space of multiple frames and intersections, where the “I” may refer to person, player, or character depending on the context, part of the fun and challenge is maintaining the distinction between them while simultaneously playing with those permeable boundaries (Fine, 1983; Mackay, 2001). While there is a steward of the space in the person of game master, the game master is there to co-create and facilitate the creation of that imaginal space with no clear intention regarding how the experiences of the characters might influence or transform the lives of the persons and players. Hughes’ (1988) case study shows however that such a space, though not intentionally designed to do so, can transform lives, in this instance helping a woman cope

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with and recover from depression. Dyszelski’s (1998) analysis of the increasing development of depth of characterization for gamers supports this point as well. His study of long-time male players indicates that for some players there is a development from playing a character that is nothing more than a fantasy version of the player, to a character that may highlight some aspect of one’s self, and eventually to a character that surprises the player with actions that may defy the player’s intentions. This increased connection to and investment to character and the fantasy spaces leads some players to deeper awareness of and interaction with the world around them. Sadly gamers are often criticized and pathologized for their seeming lack of connection to reality as demonstrated in the depth of their connection to characters and their continual playing with the boundary between self and character. The positive potential from such play is often ignored. The accounts presented here demonstrate that a combination of the depth of interaction with character and an imaginative relatedness to the possibilities of being affected by these characters are one source of that positive potential. Despite a literature that supports the notion that games and role-play can change people’s attitudes and alter behaviors in management and other training simulations (Mathur & Rutherford, Jr., 1994; Du Paul and Eckert, 1994; Moore, 1994; Kipper, 1992; Hsu, 1989; Williams, McCandless, Hobb & Williams (1986); McGuire & Thelen, 1983; Galassi, De Lo, Galassi, & Bastien, 1974), little has been done to explore this potential in role-playing games. Such potential for transformation is supported by the many different therapeutic approaches that seek to create similar spaces where the “me” and “not me” can come into conscious relation through play (Winnicott, 1971) or where the encounter with the imaginal can lead us to revelation and the transformation of consciousness and self (Cwik, 1991). The goal of such efforts however is often to achieve some greater sense of self or integration of those aspects of self. In contrast archetypal theories push for developing a soulful perspective on life, one that values the imagination for its own sake and that recognizes the characters of psyche as autonomous and distinct from ego’s intentions, thereby allowing for a deeper, richer, more imaginative soul perspective on the world. Hillman (1985) refers to this as “the relativization of the ego” which would alter our consciousness so that “becoming conscious would now mean becoming aware of fantasies and the recognition of them everywhere and not merely in a ‘fantasy world’ separate from reality” (Hillman, 1985, p. 94). Hillman (1983) also frames this as “Dionysian logic”, which echoes the role-play space of theater, stating “The actor is and is not, a

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person and a persona, divided and undivided” (p. 39). Watkins (1976, 1986, 2000) stresses that deeper encounters with the autonomy of imaginal others shift our very understanding of self from one of individualized ego, to a richer multiplicity of being. Through dialogic encounter the ego becomes more reflective of itself and its relationship to these imaginal others. This opens the possibility for transformation of self and consciousness through recognizing self as not just ego but more so as the relational connections to imaginal others. I would argue that these three interviews demonstrate that gaming can be seen as a potentially liminoid space for these women. While there are aspects of the real world that seep through and must be negotiated, as demonstrated in Chapter 4, the game space is a richly valued space for these players in that it allows them to enact a character in a fantasy space. Through deep character play in the game, players explore the nuances, similarities, and differences between their character and themselves. This creates a more conscious contact and deeper involvement with these characters and may precipitate changes in their lives and perspectives. It also allows for the development of a sort of Dionysian logic, in which one playfully appreciates and enacts the many masks of identity and the dramatic and poetic aspects of life (Hillman, 1991, p. 72). Each of these three encounters exemplifies the qualities of this space in a successively deeper way. The Liminoid In “Worlds Apart” Christine’s encounter, though limited to only her perspective as person, shows how she developed this kind of imagination from her early years as a child enacting dramatic worlds and dialogues with her toys, to an interest in writing, theater, and eventually gaming. She notes that this active form of imagination is quite valuable to her and has become an important part of her relationship with her friends and her husband, as well as the basis for her career as a novelist. In Christine’s relationship with her character Kai Tilanne we see a stark contrast of two radically different perspectives. Christine describes Kai as an intense, “militant” xenophobic warrior-priestess who is committed to her faith and who sees humans as lesser beings. This is contrasted with Christine, a woman not raised with religion who describes herself as “cynical” and likes to question everything, especially religion. Christine notes her suspicion that there would be great dislike between Kai and herself in the “real” world. Christine points out however that through gaming, despite the struggle to set aside part of herself to play the character of Kai Tilanne, she forms a bond with the character. Christine acknowledges that a gaming group that

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supports such characterization can facilitate that kind of bonding as well as stir deep emotions for players. She notes that through her experience of playing Kai Tilanne, she has to act and react differently; by engaging in that difference of perspective, her own views on many subjects are challenged. Most saliently, Christine notes that her connection to Kai has sparked her to think further about her attitudes about religion and eugenics. These thoughts have also led to deeper reflection on a relationship with another gamer who is devoutly religious and has caused Christine to more deeply consider how her portrayal of Kai might be offensive or disturbing to this friend. The power of her relationship to Kai and its potential for transformation is also evident in how Kai has become a major character in Christine’s novels. While Christine’s self-acknowledged desire for control may limit her ability to really be open to the encounter of the imaginal other and the consciously reflective identity play of this kind of liminoid space in the way that archetypal theory might see as valuable, the value of such fantasy spaces and interactions are present. Christine’s refusal to participate in an interview of Kai reflecting on Christine’s perspective demonstrates her experience of Kai as truly “other” with at least some degree of autonomy. It also demonstrates her deep respect for that autonomy. The Liminoid in “Fireballs” In the encounter with Jennifer and Siv, aspects of these liminoid qualities abound. The sense of theatrical Dionysian consciousness emerges as Jennifer describes her early recognition of the connection between life and stories and how she uses them to make sense of the human condition and to conceive of people in narrative terms. She acknowledged that gaming seemed to amplify that kind of thinking. Gaming also provided a way to escape the “princess” stories of her same sex peers who were waiting for their princes to come to live happily ever after. The deep interaction with character and ability to think as both player and character is in evidence in the way Jennifer stressed the need for “rounded” breathing characters and her acknowledgement that the gaming group needs to support that kind of in-depth characterization. It is also present in the lively flair with which she engaged the interview process, really bringing Siv to life during the interaction. The sense of the connection and yet significant distinction between Jennifer and Siv, that sense of “me” and “not me,” is also evident in this encounter. Jennifer describes that connection and separation as a sort of Venn diagram between “real” and “not real.” Meeting Jennifer and Siv, there is a strong contrast between them. While Jennifer assertively expresses her objections

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to certain legal provisions in the consent process, Siv threatens to “fireball” the interviewer if she doesn’t like the question. Jennifer sees Siv as less cynical and more trusting than herself, while Siv sees Jennifer as worrying too much. Siv is critical throughout the interview of Jennifer’s perspective on imagination noting its lack of direction, practical outcomes, and connection to the real world. Siv expresses how her longer life perspective may influence her perceptions, but she is clear of her sense that she lives in a world that is much more dangerous and full of deadly consequences than Jennifer’s. While Jennifer lives in a world full of sexism, oppression, and sexual harassment that she experiences daily and has come to expect, Siv is not saddled with such expectations and sees them as neither normal nor acceptable. Siv sees Jennifer in some ways as a “doormat” in the ways that she puts up with such treatment and in contrast reports reacting violently at times to similar incidents in her world. Despite the contrast there is a connection between them. Jennifer describes that connection as creating an image and stepping into it. She notes it is like engaging in two different brain modes, a player sitting the background with the character in the fore, pretending she is Siv until their thoughts are “consonant” and “in sympathy.” Siv describes it as two similar pictures moving onto one another that allows them to recognize their similarities and differences and then act in alliance from those, only losing the connection when an action is initiated that is in discord with the others’ character. From this position of connection and difference they are able to work as a team. Jennifer states that when the character succeeds at something, you feel like you have achieved something as well. Jennifer and Siv both acknowledge the changes that emerge from their connection in the gaming space. Jennifer notes that the gaming situation, removed as it was from real life, helped her to change her conditioned response and sense of “stuckness” in dealing with sexism and harassment. Siv’s expectation of equality emerges in the game setting as standing up to a harassing character. That incident then serves as a catalyst and model for Jennifer to stand up to the harassing of the player in her gaming group, to realize that she was normal and that the harassers’ behavior was deviant and something of which to be ashamed. This allowed her to begin to play more intelligent, sexual, and varied female characters that could challenge stereotypical representations of women in her games. Siv states, “I believe I encouraged her to look beyond the expectations of her society and the people around her and to seek her own ambitions and desires.” Jennifer continues to be inspired by this to be aware of inequalities and sexism and to combat them with strength and courage throughout the gaming world and in her

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life, going so far as to achieve top honors in an international gaming organization as best game master, just to prove her point. For Siv, her relationship to Jennifer confirms her sense of power, confidence, and security, while tempering her more aggressive impulses. Jennifer suggests that the influence of a character is similar to that of a character upon a good actor. While Jennifer supports her belief with the idea that the character doesn’t really give anything that isn’t already there, this seems to downplay the powerful influences upon her life through her relationship with Siv and how their interaction in the gaming space moved her to action. Jennifer clarifies that indeed she was “influenced” by Siv and that the game space is really a “good place to try out various personality traits before unleashing them in real life.” Gaming provides for her a space to explore new ways of being in the world. The Liminoid in “Called” The encounter with Emily and Lily also provides support for the notion of games as liminoid spaces. The importance of a theatrical and imaginal consciousness is again highlighted by Emily in her repeated stressing that characters have to be part of a believable fictional world and have very genuine and realistic motivations. She notes that in some ways she begins with a sort very short but interesting character concept upon which she builds as sort of mental script of how the character would react. She then takes on that script and begins to play with it during the course of the game. As the character develops, she indicates that it becomes almost as if the character and player are “talking through” each other. Emily highlights the importance of the gaming group to facilitating that interaction between characters in the game world and how that builds the shared fantasy world and the connection players have to their characters. She states that when the game, character and story are interacting well, the character can surprise you, pulling you deeper into connection and understanding of the character and thus into the story and interactions of the fantasy world and game. She suggests that in the game world one can work out issues without real world consequences. The experience of different aspects of self coming into contact in liminoid spaces is also present in this encounter. Emily notes that she see that connection between self and character as a partially unconscious “exercise in empathy” in which she puts herself in the other’s shoes. While she acknowledges that her connection to characters often starts from the aspects of that character that one can connect to, she indicates that deepens and changes as character focused play continues. Again this notion of both connection and separation is evident. Emily talks

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about how Argave’s naivety, uncertainty, and yet dedicated passion to his faith both mirrored her own uncertainty and part of her sense of spirituality while simultaneously contrasting her own sense of questioning about spirituality. She notes how this character helped her get in touch with her initial thoughts about conviction and God. Lily and Emily describe their interactions as a sort of distinct imperceptible suggestion or voice that doesn’t seem to quite come from an external source. The separation is also there in the way Lily must come to the interview as if she were dreaming to maintain her sense of distinctness from Emily, stating explicitly her doubts they could occupy the same space without damaging their special interaction. Lily’s prim and proper gentility and acceptance of her gender role and its constraints stands in strong contrast to Emily’s sense of Lily as a prude and a sexist and her own conscious struggles about issues of sexism, sexuality, and gender. Lily even hears Emily indicate this at one point. Lily helps to define the importance of their differences as part of their bond, indicating the necessity at times to agree to disagree about a topic or course of action. Lily stresses how the differences between Emily and herself help each of them to experience their different reactions to situations and thus more clearly encounter their own views and values, which can ultimately lead to growth and change. Emily also values the opportunity to reflect on her particular choices of characters or why she is playing them a particular way. She suggests that such reflection can foster insights for her about issues that may be arising in her life or about her own thoughts, reactions, and values. Emily indicates a number of ways that engaging with characters in the gaming space has been transformational as well. She notes that gaming provides her with a more productive creative outlet for her imagination than idle daydreaming, demonstrating her valuing of this quality of interaction with imagination and fantasy. Emily acknowledges that gaming has provided connections to friends in addition to the ways her connection to characters, like Argave, can be calming and centering and provide support. Emily notes as well how gaming has at times provided contrast to her real world issues and struggles, allowing her to find a sort of balance, like playing more amusing characters when life is particularly serious for her. Emily is also comfortable with using the gaming space and her characters to explore a number of aspects and values in her life. She indicates how the concept of family in her many characters helped her to clarify that value for herself in her own life. She notes how she used various characters to explore issues of sexuality including clarifying her valuing of monogamy and her capacity to feel

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desire for men and women. She shares how she used two widow characters to explore a sense of depression, realize her ability to survive loss and maintain hope, as well as figure out how to emerge from a breakup to be “desirable” and not just an “ex-girlfriend.” At an even deeper level, Emily’s interaction with several of her characters through gaming helped her begin her face her struggle with spirituality. Aside from then influencing her direction in life, which I will address later, Emily used gaming to define her own sense of the sacred. Through reflection on the connections she has to characters and rich co-creation of stories and interactions that can occur in games, Emily came to realize the interconnected nature of all things and the sacred power in that connection. The encounter with Emily and Lily seems to hold the greatest depth of these liminoid qualities. Though Emily still maintains that distinction between self and character, fantasy and reality, her experiences seem to indicate a greater openness to the autonomy of the characters and their impacts on transforming her ways of thinking and her life. I will examine further what sets her encounter apart in our later exploration of the nature of the relationship between self and character. Certainly, not everyone who games will experience such transformations, but these encounters support the notion that the imagination space of gaming can be constructed as a liminoid space in which some people find transformation of their person and their relationship to the “real world.” All of them are clearly invested in deep characterization, backgrounds, and really staying in that tension between self and character, where there is both connection and separation. All of them also mention the importance of the group to support and facilitate this depth of connection. This is an exciting avenue that requires further investigation to explore what qualities of these games facilitate or inhibit such experiences, the positive and negative potentials for these transformations, and whether these experiences are similar for men as for women. ______A shift in noise brings to our attention that The Guide has entered with a flair and flip of his walking cloak. He makes his way from the door back to our table. “I trust that you have enjoyed your visit. Fascinating the way that beings of different worlds relate. Sadly, like all such visits, they must end. Arrangements for the journey home are underway. I took the liberty of assuming you wished not to return the way we came. Well, the fact is, it would be impossible

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to do so.” He winks with that all too familiar grin. “Shall we be on our way? The Mage is waiting.” The Guide leads us back out into the city street. The sunlight dazzles the eyes for a moment, reminding us once again of the magic of Crossroads, the rich diversity of beings around us, and the strikingly strange harmony of all these different peoples, creatures, and beings. The nagging questioning thought begins to form. “Which of these beings are “real” and which is but a “character”? How would one ever even know? Does it really matter in such a place?” The Guide opens the door to a waiting carriage and offers us a hand into the comfortable interior. As the carriage begins to jostle our comfortable seating, he tosses into our lap a sheaf of papers. “Thought you might like to take a look at those. I took the liberty of “liberating” these research journal entries from the Interviewer. He’ll frantically scramble around looking for them and castigate himself for losing them, but I’ll have them back in his possession before there is any harm done. Thought it might make the long ride a bit more bearable. Besides, we’re all in this adventure together.” The curiosity of what they contain and the charms of his smile quickly erase the doubts about his actions. ______The intention in creating the interview process was to create a space much like that of the games where there could be an intersection of person and character in an attempt to explore that relationship. In that sense I became a game master of sorts, whose primary job was to create an imaginal space, and to co-construct with the participants a narrative about their experiences from the perspectives of themselves as players and persons as well as characters. That narrative was further developed by the way that I took the two different interviews and constructed from them a narrative, weaving them together into a coherent story of the encounter. That feel of the game was also created in the interludes and interactions with trickster figure of The Guide throughout the study. This process is very much parallel experience of the role-playing game. As described in Mackay (2001), gamers are constantly shifting frames between person, player and character, jumping forward and backward in time to clarify what happens when and how, and using the rules to structure the actions and interactions of their characters as well as negotiating the social space (eg. “pass the pretzels”). To the observer, it is difficult at times to follow, but each player in coordination with the game master and each other is participating in the creation of a shared

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space and creating an individualized and a shared narrative of the events in that imaginal space. Such narratives told later may leave out certain aspects while highlighting others. This is at times dependent on the frame and again there can be shifting between them. Sometimes there is a focus on the character’s amazing leap across the fiery chasm to escape certain death, other times it is a focus on the play frame, noting how one’s dice were particularly lucky that night, and other times on the social frame, such as someone making a funny reference to a movie quote or line that as apropos to the character situation. Each time the narrative is told and retold different elements become more or less salient. Some gamers create journals of their character’s adventures and some game masters create written chronicles to serve as records of the shared history and adventures of the group. All of these serve as aesthetic products of the role-playing performance (Mackay, 2001). These interview encounters are much like those chronicles and though constructed by me were reviewed with the players. While Christine did not respond to my request for feedback on the written chronicle of our interview, both Jennifer and Emily were very positive in their feedback about them. Emily: Congratulations. This is not just a well-done merging of several interviews, but an interesting and thoughtful chapter of the dissertation. (Now I'm going to go look up James Hillman!)…It does accurately capture how I view my relation to characters. I do not have any other alterations or omissions.

Jennifer: On reading it through, yes. Some of the points are ones that I'm not aware of except when I cover them in an interview situation, and you've neatly summarized them in the second document to the point where I'm nodding and thinking 'yep, that's me' every line. This brings to mind the question of an alternative interpretation of Christine’s interview. Perhaps, much like some players don’t like a particular game or game master and choose to leave, she chose to leave. Perhaps she chose to discontinue her participation because the particular scenario I had constructed of having her character reflect upon her own experience was one with which she was uncomfortable. This does not contradict my earlier reading of her response but provides an additional understanding of how the interview process may have contributed to her ceasing to participate.

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Another facet to consider in regard to the interview space is the ways that like a role- playing game, the creation of the interview space may have exhibited liminoid qualities of its own. In these interview experiences, the participants and I created a permeable space set apart from the culture, without clear stewardship or efforts to steer that process toward a particular pre- determined outcome, other than to develop a shared understanding of their experiences in gaming and their relationship of self and character (Turner, 1969; Moore, 1991). For me the interviewer position was one which held together all of the aspects of myself that I brought to the project. I was the gamer, interested in their stories and sharing their excitement. I was graduate student researcher, listening carefully and openly, developing questions, reflecting on the connections to theory, and continually checking my understandings with the participants. I was also a male, positioned at the edge of my own masculinity in that space that wants to understand and see from the perspective of a woman, but ultimately knowing that I cannot. In some ways I was also game master, working to facilitate a co-created space for our understanding and the encounter with characters. I had no real pre-determined outcomes, much like in running a game, but tried to follow their stories and ideas and co-construct meaning from their experiences. For Jennifer the most salient example of the way she both was and was not herself emerged in the interview with Siv. Jennifer at moments struggled with switching pronouns and trying to clarify her perspective as character from that of player. She also noted how during the interview with Siv that she struggled to type her responses as Siv and ended up resorting to Jennifer transcribing in type what Siv was expressing verbally. Emily noted her own sense of the connection between character and self when reflecting back on the interview with Lily. She noticed that at times Lily lacked words and concepts and struggled to express certain ideas, for which Emily had words and concepts. The interview space was also in some ways transformational for Jennifer and Emily, perhaps just as transformational for them as a game space. Both Emily and Jennifer noted that the interview situation allowed them to encounter their characters in a more sustained, deep way than is typically possible in a game setting. They noted that with reduced need to attend to all the aspects involved in a game experience that they were reflecting on their gaming experiences and relationships in a deeper way than they typically do in a game or even in post-game reflections. By reflecting on what were already life-altering experiences from their games, both

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Jennifer and Emily noted that the interview process, served as catalyst for further reflection and awareness at the very least about their ways and processes of gaming and the value it has had for them in their lives. Emily took that a step further to indicate her desire to facilitate that kind of deeper relationship to characters for her players and to continue to explore that process for herself. ______The jostling carriage seems to have come to a halt. “Traffic jam,” says The Guide. He sticks his head out the door of the carriage. “Looks like we might be a while. I’m going to go see what I can do.” He swings out of the carriage. The bustle of the street outside intrudes and contrasts the quiet interior of the carriage. Gazing out at the press of beings that surround us, the faces looking in and staring back, the mind drifts back to the many Eyes of the Beholder. ______One of the main goals of this study was to document the experiences of women in gaming due to the lack of research in this area. Entering in various ways into the Eyes of the Beholder provided not only a methodological purpose; it also allowed us to take multiple perspectives on those experiences. By entering the history of women in gaming from multiple viewpoints, there is the potential to deepen not only our understanding of these games and their development but also of the people who develop and play these games. This allows for seeing more of their motivations, drives, desires, fantasies, and ways they imagined their worlds as well as the social forces that have shaped these games and the culture of the players. This also helps to recognize and acknowledge the ways that women have been a part of and played a role in the development of gaming, despite their marginalized position. The stories of specific women about their gaming experiences are also an important documentation of women’s experiences and crucial to recognizing them as part of the community. Through the many different comments, opinions, statistics, and stories, I tried to present an enriched view of gamers and to both confirm and challenge the stereotypes that exist of both female and male gamers. I have tried to show how despite some women being marginalized or oppressed, women have become and continue to become a thriving part of the gaming community. I have worked to show their perseverance and how the desire to play kept them confronting the substantial challenges with which they were presented. This speaks not only to the power of imagination, fantasy, and play in these games, but to the empowerment of

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women in challenging such opposition. I have also tried to present the humanity in these women; how their lives, careers, hobbies, and interests are unique and yet not so different from others in the gaming community. My hope is that the reader can see that the female gamer is not some strange elusive creature to be feared or warded against, but that they are just as much gamers and just as diverse as the rest of the community of gamers. Holding this tension of sameness and difference may perhaps help the reader to learn to empathize with them and to value those differences. Holding this kind of tension is also an essential feature of liminoid consciousness that may lead to transformation of one’s viewpoints and one’s ways of relating to others. ______The traffic around the carriage seems to be moving again and The Guide cheerfully hops back in. “Crowd just needed a little encouragement that’s all. Back on with the journey home. The Mage doesn’t like to be kept waiting.” The familiar jostle of the carriage begins again. The sun has shifted now, setting a brilliantly blinding reflection on the leaded glass of the carriage window, calling to mind the reflection of The Guide’s mirrored shield in the labyrinth of the Beholder. ______Another goal for this study was to engage in raising consciousness and unconsciousness regarding women in gaming, their experiences, and the images surrounding them in gaming culture. In confronting the issue of sexism, this study attempts to engage in raising consciousness about these issues and give voice to a multiplicity of perspectives. By entering into these different perspectives the issue is revealed from multiple sides, opening the potential to recognize the ways those views resonate or conflict with the victim and oppressor in all of us. This encounter also encourages recognition of our own limited perspectives and how holding too tightly to them may limit the powerful freedom of imagination. The stories and experiences presented demonstrate how such limitations keep the gaming community trapped in repeating the same fantasies, roles, images, and power structures and relationships. These also provide evidence of how such a culture can be oppressive, not just to women, but also to men through suppressing the potential of imagination. Giving voice to these experiences we begin to foster awareness and the potential for further empowerment and change. As noted by Anzaldua (1999)

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Ignorance splits people, creates prejudices…the struggle has always been inner and is played out in the outer terrains. Awareness of our situation must come before inner changes, which in turn come before changes in society. Nothing happens in the “real” world unless it first happens in the images in our heads (p. 108-109). This study begins to attempts to combat ignorance about the experiences of women and men in gaming and thus to create awareness of the situations, images, and practices that perpetuate that oppression. The hope is this awareness may then begin to change those images and practices and eventually changing the culture of gaming into one that is more open, welcome and egalitarian. This is very much in line with Denzin’s (2003) notions of a performative social science that is transformational for the culture from which it emerges. It is also is in line with the work of Freire (Ivey, 1995) who encourages liberation education in which individuals and groups can through dialogue develop an expanded sense of self-in-relation that leads to intentional consciousness and social change (p. 57). It is my intention that the eventual movement of this particular research into the public sphere can begin that process of transforming not only the lives of these women but also the culture of gaming and others who may encounter this work. Furthermore, having seen the oppression that one marginalized group experiences in gaming, we are also left to wonder about the experiences of other marginalized people in the gaming community. What might persons of color or those who are not the typical heterosexual male gamer, experience in the culture of gaming? Only further exploration will tell and perhaps raise consciousness about those issues as well. The “unconsciousness raising specifically about women’s images in dreams, art, literature, myth, religion and therapy” called for by feminist archetypal theorists (Lauter & Rupprecht, 1985, p. 220) is intended to bring forth and give voice to the gendered aspects of the imaginal. The attempt to give voice to and articulate the feminine side of the imaginal emerged from the study’s exploration of the ways that women are portrayed in games, not only in artwork and media, but in the ways players enact their characters. The picture presented in this study reflects the ways that the sexism of the real world continues to limit the power of the imagination to create something different. Several images and stereotypical character types were repeated by participants, including Mommy, Black Widow/Femme Fatale, virginal princess, slut, tough guy in woman’s body, and Caretaker. For an activity focused on heroes, the question of uniqueness

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of the feminine hero was raised in several places in this study. The lack of identifiably and uniquely feminine hero types was striking. Emily perhaps captures the issue best when she says, “All of the uniquely female are defined strongly by gender roles, whether transgressing them or embodying them.” This I think reflects the androcentric nature of the culture and the ways that the male experience is still the standard by which women are judged. It seems that until our consciousness can evolve beyond such dichotomies in thinking about gender, the notion of a uniquely feminine hero remains distant. Though there are some hints about characters like Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who merges strength, heroics, vulnerability, caring, and her sexuality in a way that doesn’t solely define her, the power of these stereotypes is challenging to end. Both male and female gamers and game producers play a role in this perpetuation, though there is hope. This study makes clear that most people feel that gaming has improved and continues to make efforts to do so. Though resistance to these efforts remains in the form of hostility about gender issues, fighting “political correctness,” isolationism, and continued objectifying and sexist marketing to the young male demographic, thanks to the efforts of both women and men, the culture of gaming is shifting slowly. As women continue to be involved and gain power in the gaming culture and world at large, these shifts should continue. As they do gain status and power to define themselves in gaming, much like Jennifer noted in regard to Siv, helping her be more free to challenge and defy the very categories by which others were trying to define her. One central change that has occurred has less to do with specific images and more to do with style of play. While it was clear that both male and female gamers highly value story and character, the reciprocal shift of increasing story and character focus and increasing numbers of women in gaming is hard to ignore. Perhaps this process will continue to help games to evolve and grow and by providing more opportunity for engaging with characters and stories. By engaging that kind of deeper characterization, perhaps players will be developing greater depth of empathy and understanding that may further foster changes in gaming culture that will make it more appealing and enjoyable for all. ______A major jostle of the carriage sent the sheaf of pages tumbling to the floor. “Getting closer. That rumble was the gate to the ward where The Mage resides.” The Guide bends to collect those pages and with seemingly inhuman speed has them organized and handed back.

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Gazing down at the collection, the page on top looks unfamiliar. The Guide returns the puzzled look with another variation of his seemingly infinite collection of mischievous and knowing visages. ______I can’t help but reflect on how in a study involved with gender the issue of my own gender shifted to a peripheral position and seemed to disappear in the interviews for myself as well as for the participants. The only two points during the interview in which my gender seemed salient involved the interviews with characters. In my interaction with Siv, I had the feeling that her hostile edge may have been self-protective toward my presence as a man, particularly given her stories about how she handled those who she felt offender her. I was uncertain whether that was the case or whether it was just her generally hostile status to strangers, as she certainly seemed to have a sense of humor about it all. At one point during my interaction with Lily, her view that all interactions between men and women were tainted by sexuality emerged. When I questioned her further on this point, particularly the notion that a character might have an Unseen Friend of a different gender, she became quite flustered, lowered her voice to a hush and expressed how disturbing such a thought was to her. Her behavior implied that even speaking of it was taboo. As interviewer, I wished to explore this notion further, recognizing how different it was from Emily. I also recognized that this was a way for Emily as player to express further distinguishing facets between herself and Lily. But I also recognized this was Lily’s way of thinking and her social mores and for me to press my agenda of questions into that would be playing upon the power differential between men and women implicit in her viewpoint. I did not want to do that and so out of respect moved to a different line of questioning. While it is a troubling thought to consider that these women felt silenced about the topic of my gender by the fact that I was male, or that my own masculine privilege allowed me to ignore it, several factors to counter this come to mind. The first is that my position as a gamer, game master, and psychologist may have granted me a sort of safe status as both an insider and as someone concerned about people. Both Jennifer and Emily talked about the awkwardness of those first experiences of being the only female in a gaming group but how after becoming more a part of the culture with a comfortable gaming group the issue of gender got sidelined most of the time. Perhaps I successfully used my clinical and research skills and gamer status to create

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what felt like a comfortable space for them. Additionally, the fact that I was a man interested in these issues enough to devote my research to these issues and presumptions about my attitudes about gender and gender equality may have been established by the questionnaire in which they had already participated. Both of these things may have reduced concerns of the participants about the way my gender might play a role in these interviews and allowed them to be more open to the process. The fact that these interviews were conducted online may also have played a role. By reducing obvious gendered cues that would be present in a face-to-face interaction, the online textual environment reduced the salience of gender to the process itself. At one point in the reflexive interviews I asked about perceptions or impressions of myself that may have played a role in the process. Emily’s response to the question about the ways that my own gender may have impacted her ways of talking about these topics captures the way that gender seemed dismissed in this process. Emily: Not really. I know you only as a person on the other end of the conversation, purportedly male (you could, after all, be lying about that), who is interested in gaming. I don't have enough to work with to form any stereotypes of you, good or bad. This reduction of social cues is typical of online research (Markham, 1998) and is a double-edged sword. In online environments it is impossible to establish with certainty the identity of the person with whom one is interacting. In such a space, certain markers of status and identity become less salient to the process. While in this instance it seems to have allowed for a more natural process of communication, it leaves open several questions about gender in these encounters. Would these interviews have been different face-to-face? Would they have been different with a female interviewer? Are there ways that the my role as researcher and status as male in a patriarchal culture combined and interacted to shape or limit particular kinds of interactions in these interviews? By report of the participants, gender did not seem to really play much of a role in this process and they felt that my interpretations and constructions were indeed adequate to their experiences. Certainly my constructions of these interviews are shaped by these roles and statuses that come with being male. That is one reason why I have chosen to keep the interviewer voice present in the text. This allows the reader to see my position and the particular questions that I asked, gaining a sense of how my position is part of the process. It allows one to see how I was

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hearing and responding to the relational aspects of these encounters and perhaps discover places and ways that the process facilitated or blocked connection and shared understanding. Furthermore, maintaining the interviewer voice allows for the possibility that as a performance text, a reader/performer might enter into the position of interviewer and through that process further explore that position, perhaps discovering alternative understandings, questions, or perspectives which may spur dialogue about these encounters in a post-performance discussion. In contrast to the interviews, the place where my gender was most salient for me was in the hostile reactions generated by certain male participants in the questionnaire. The attacks came in many forms including suggestions that I was somehow a traitor to men by not focusing on how male gamers are mistreated as geeks by girls during adolescence, that I was presuming gaming was sexist just by asking for opinions, or that this study was nothing more than an elaborate plot to “get laid.” All of these were really striking and hurtful. Having early on examined my own thoughts and positions regarding my gender in regard to the study was very helpful in dealing with these experiences. Having been a man on the fringes of traditional masculinity most of my life was helpful to soften these blows and attempts to construct me as less of a man or a man with hostile intent. These comments evoked for me a sense of empathy for men who seemed so angry and who clearly held dearly to a hobby they were passionate about that they felt they might lose or that might be changed by being inclusive. It reminded me of the ways men I have known have reacted to increasing numbers of people of color in a neighborhood or workplace. It reminded me of the ignorance and fear that often lies behind such prejudice and how that could easily be turned on someone engaged in raising awareness. Most importantly these comments helped me to recognize the ways that sexism in gaming was not only was oppressive to women, but to men as well. I saw how these limitations of roles and ideals about men and women and their interactions could hinder someone from seeing the greater possibilities that might be reached by moving beyond such simplifications and working together to make gaming a more welcoming space for all. ______Our travels through the city have taken us into the heart of a quiet, wealthy and predominantly residential district. The carriage rumbles to a halt at the edge of a quiet cul-de-sac courtyard before a tall narrow home and shop of The Mage. A richly dense garden fills the courtyard, in its center an expansive pond bridged by a narrow but ornate wooden footbridge.

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Crushed stone paths wind through the garden and benches seem to blend in with the serenity of this place. The shady trees provide a respite from the sun and the scent of many flora fill the air. The Guide leads us into the garden and to the bridge. “Now if you will be so kind as to wait patiently here. The preparations for your return require the utmost concentration and The Mage is quite sensitive to disruptions.” The Guide crosses the bridge and enters The Mage’s abode. Lured by the floral scents we wander onto the bridge. The gentle sun filters through the trees and reflects upon the crystal waters. Gazing into the surface of the water at the shimmering image of our own faces the thought emerges, “Who is it that stares back at me?” ______The final goal for the study was to explore the ways that the experience of self and character in these women’s experiences in gaming might be informative to our understanding of the nature of self from archetypal and perhaps even feminist relational theories. Do the interactions between gamers and their characters provide us any insight into notions of an imaginal multiple self-in-relation? The three encounters documented in this study serve as case studies of the way that someone can develop, maintain, and negotiate a relationship with an imaginal other. I will use the archetypal work of Mary Watkins (1976, 1986, 2000) as a framework for understanding the development of these women’s relationship to their character. I will explore how seemingly by accident or unconsciously through “merely” playing a game, these characters, created solely for an entertainment experience, begin to emerge from these improvisational play experiences to be transformational for these players. Mary Watkins has focused her work on the development of imaginal relationships in waking dreams (1976) as well as the daily experience of dialogical consciousness and thought (1986, 2000). She argues that this development of dialogical relationships with imaginal others serves not only as the basis for rational thought and perspective taking but allows for a construction of self that moves beyond singular ego self to one that is in relation not only with others, but with the imaginal others of psyche (1986, 2000). Watkins stresses that such imaginal interactions are not pathological or merely in the service of ego and cognitive development, but are part and parcel of dialogical human consciousness and a vision of a multiple and dialogical self. She notes that the tension of unity in diversity of self requires that the voices or characters relate to one another and that requires the openness of ego to relate to the imaginal other. She stresses that a pathological relationship between ego and imaginal other would be one in which

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there is lack connection or awareness between the ego and imaginal others or where one is merged with or completely disconnected from the other. Watkins (1986, 2000) notes that imaginal characters may be a projected aspect of self or resemble some part of the person but that it is when they surprise or distinguish themselves from the person that we begin to recognize them as autonomous. She notes how this autonomy of the imaginal other is the first step in developing dialogical relationship to them rather than absorbing them solely into the service of the ego. Watkins further defines how the autonomy of the imaginal continues to separate from the intentions of the ego. She suggests that this happens in four dimensions: the degree of animation, the degree of articulation of psychological properties, the degree of complexity of perspective on the character, and the degree of specification of identity of the character. She articulates the successively deeper levels of these dimensions. In terms of the degree of animation, the character moves from being the silent passively controlled prop for the person to being the acting and speaking receiver of actions, to being an initiator of action. In terms of degree of articulation of psychological properties, the character moves from being known through their actions to knowing psychological properties from an external viewpoint, to expression of psychological properties known from an internal viewpoint. According to Watkins, the degree of complexity of perspective on character shifts from pure voiceless actions and assumed motives, to solitary perspective of the character from the character’s point of view, to knowing the character from both inside and out, allowing the character to not only see and hear but to be seen and heard. Lastly, the degree of specification of identity of the character develops from just the speaking of the self to an unknown presence, to developing a pattern of dialogue and addressing one’s self to some still as yet unidentified other, to the full presentation of the character as a separate and identified personality. Watkins (1986, 2000) notes that the deepest levels of autonomy and relationship to character then allows for a shift of perspective of the ego to it becoming like a character with its own style and ways of being that can then be seen and reflected upon from the position of the imaginal others. Such an ego still has an important function, to be observing and reflectively aware of the interaction and dialogue as it unfolds between ego and imaginal other. This begins to allow the others to have voice, express their perspective, to speak, and take actions. By creating such openness to the imaginal other, the individual can truly become a dialogic and multiple self in which both ego and imaginal other can participate. Within this construction of

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self there is respect for the imaginal other as not just part of me that I created, but who through our interaction is also creating me. Through such a relationship then emerges the possibility for radical transformation of the self as ego begins to take heed of the other and self begins to be more than just ego. The encounter with differing perspectives in a space of respect and mutuality opens one up to the power of the imaginal to imagine one’s self and one’s world differently. Watkins states, This experiencing of the self- as a collection of voices, organized through dialogue, observed by a narrating ego with a keen sense of metaphor – has its own stability, spontaneity, strength, flexibility, reliability, and continuity. It is a self which grows to tolerate conflict, ambiguity, and subtlety; a self with practices its empathy, humor, understanding and compassion on those within as well as those without (2000, p.173). This different relationship to self and world Hillman argues is what our world desperately needs and that psychology as a discipline for the most part has neglected to provide. (Hillman & Ventura, 1992). He notes how its development will help us to slow down and appreciate the world around us, turn our attention to care of the world and ourselves as mutually necessary, and to find deep value and connections in that experience of a world ensouled (Hillman, 1981, p. 115-124). This may be just the kind of adaptively new construction of the self necessary for the complexities of an increasingly postmodern world and its demands for a new kind of consciousness (Anderson, 1997; Rappaport, Baumgardner, & Boone, 1999). With such a self, a new kind of consciousness emerges. When one shifts to an imaginal frame of mind, sees through ego, or views from the perspective of soul, everything is image. From an imaginal or soul perspective, character and self are both images that one can encounter and potentially see through. This is a radically different notion of authentic self. As Hillman (1983) notes, “Authenticity is in the illusion, playing it, seeing through it from within as we play it, like an actor who sees through his mask and can only see in this way” (p. 39). Such encounters open us to the imagination and the middle perspective of soul. Slipping the traps of dualism, archetypal psychology notes that there is a middle space between mind and body, a valuing perspective called soul or psyche, which is intimately connected to fantasy, imagination, myth, and poetry. Psyche’s perspective “looks carefully at the relations between dream figures, giving them a hearing, allowing each its due, even those dream persons the ego finds objectionable and threatening” (Hillman, 1991, p. 37). This perspective does not literalize these images, but

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personifies the images of psyche, the gods, angels, and myths by which our lives and selves are governed (Hillman, 1975). Such encounters with the gods can overwhelm us, enliven us, challenge us, and even serve as daimonic encounters with their power of calling to powerful transformation (Hillman, 1996). Each of these encounters, when examined through the lens of Watkins’ model, provides us with a picture of the nature of the relationship to imaginal characters that is consistent with that model and helps to better understand the nature of these connections in gaming. The encounters with these players and their characters demonstrate that these deep connections to character as separate and autonomous is neither pathological nor disconnected from reality. In these interviews, these players and the characters they play are able to coherently and clearly articulate their similarities and relational connection to each other while simultaneously addressing the difference and distinctness from each other in a way that shows the value for them in understanding themselves. As discussed earlier, each of these interviews provide evidence of the need to experience that tension between connection and difference, that tension of the liminoid space where one is playing in the intersection between person, player, and character, between fantasy and reality. This kind of consciousness is present in the way the players can both inhabit the character’s perspective in all of its psychological richness, as well as talk about that perspective from their own frame of reference. Furthermore, it is seen in the ability of the players, Christine excluded, to be able to reflect on the player from the character’s perspective. Each of these women also discusses the importance of the development of realistic and autonomous characters as part of that process of relating to the character. The depth and fullness of these characters and their voices, actions and autonomy are present throughout these encounters. These women also reflect on how a relationship with such characters can impact their notion of themselves and the degree of transformation that might result. Though constructed from separate interviews with the participants and their characters, both Jennifer and Emily acknowledged that those constructions articulated themselves, their characters, and the relationship between them. However, each of these encounters presents a slightly different picture of the nature of that relationship, its development, and potentials for change in self and relationship to other. Christine holds strongest to the separation between self and character, as demonstrated in her unwillingness to take the perspective of the character upon her life in the second interview.

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Her desire to maintain that distinction between self and character is clear and she notes that the lack of distinction for her would indicate a sense of mental illness. Regarding the development of her relationship with a character, she notes that in creating a character initially it often begins from a few ideas about motivation and some twists of personality, along with creating perhaps different patterns of speech. With the deep characterization of the gaming space and through interactions in that space, she is able to develop a bond with the character. From the interview with Christine it is clear that Kai Tilanne is very distinct from her in beliefs, ideas, and values to the point that there may actually be animosity between them were they to meet. Kai’s autonomy is present in the way that Christine describes her emergence as a character with her own agenda in the stories Christine creates. Christine however notes that it can be challenging at times to set apart a certain part of herself to truly connect with Kai Tilanne. Christine does recognize and value that through playing Kai Tilanne she has developed a sort of understanding of a very different perspective and outlook on life. She describes this as having her views challenged by having to act and react differently when she is playing Kai. Christine however remains cautious about the effects such an interaction can have upon the self of the player. She stresses that for her the experience helps her to develop a greater sense of empathy for others rather than any insight into her self. Christine’s experience still shows us how valuing and honoring the character for its own sake can be valuable to the ego and its projects. Her relationship to character must remain inviolate as it sustains her career in writing. I would argue that while she supremely respects the autonomy of the imaginal other, her own self-professed need to remain in control prevents or limits her from experiencing the openness necessary to allow the deeper dialogue with that imaginal other that could lead to further transformation. Jennifer’s relationship to her character Siv takes us a bit deeper into the potential for the transformation of self that can come from such imaginal relationships. Jennifer stresses that her characters also begin with a believable history and personality, complete with some traits and quirks, which form a basis that she can add to as the game progresses. She notes that one should play the character as if you become them. She describes it as if imagining an image in full and stepping into it, very much like putting on a character and allowing it to get comfortable as one settles into it. Siv notes that the similarities and differences of their two images are important to developing that shared connection and yet distinction. Siv described the process as being similar

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to wearing a new pair of shoes in that sometimes it begins with some chafing but gets more comfortable as you walk in them. Throughout the interview process the autonomy of Siv is very present. The distinction between Jennifer and Siv is very evident in the ways that they express themselves, their differing perspectives on the gaming experience, and in Siv’s sometimes harshly critical view of Jennifer and her world. Jennifer noted the struggle in the interview with Siv to be Siv and at the same time type her responses, as it was not a comfortable or familiar mode of communication for Siv. Both of them acknowledge there are moments in play when it is not clear who is controlling whom. Siv also notes that in order for that connection to begin Jennifer has to be in the “right frame of mind” open to the experience of that connection and separation and open to the surprises that the autonomy of character can bring. It is that surprise which can sometimes lead to deeper and more powerful transformations of self from the interaction with character. Jennifer acknowledges that with a history of daily harassment and oppressive interactions in her life, she was very sensitized to sexism but often felt stuck and powerless to do much to change it. She was then surprised to some degree by Siv’s actions in the fantasy realm to respond to a harassing character, but was even more surprised by how enacting that response as player felt affirming to her as a person. She reports how empowering that felt to her. For Jennifer, Siv’s gendered equality, empowerment, and strength gave her the model to find her own voice and strength and was a catalyst to standing up as a person to blatant harassment and sexism in her gaming group by eventually confronting the offending player. She notes how that experience helped her to realize that it was the offensive players and harassers that were abnormal and not herself. That experience also inspired her to continue to be aware and outspoken against inequities and to continue to confront sexism and harassment in gaming and her life. She is positive about this impact on her life, much as Siv acknowledges how it helped her to better appreciate her own power, self-confidence, and security and to temper her own tendency toward aggressive responses. Jennifer is careful to restrict her sense of how deeply such interactions can change a person. She agrees that playing a character can influence one in lots of ways both big and small, from the success you feel at your characters’ accomplishments to the ways this helped her to regain a sense of empowerment. However she notes that the character doesn’t give her anything that wasn’t already there, suggesting that Siv and the safety of the game space just helped aspects

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of Jennifer to emerge. It seems here as well that the careful restriction of the nature of the relationship between self and character seems to also restrict Jennifer’s sense of her self. Of all of these encounters, the encounter with Emily and Lily is the most elaborated and deepest picture of the nature of the connection to imaginal others that can emerge in gaming and the power that can have to transform a life. Emily notes that her interactions with characters in gaming give value to her daydreams and fantasies by allowing her to do something creative with them. She clearly traced out the development of her character ideas into fully developed characters, something that she notes is essential to her gaming. Emily claims that she draws her initial ideas for characters from many different sources usually in the form of one-line concepts. She then uses questions to help her to imagine a background, history, motivations and reasons for that concept. Once she has developed those basics she lets her imagination “run wild” playing the character. She notes how important it is to move the character from imitations or stereotypes to a fully developed personality by exploring their motivations, values, and why they might be this way. She acknowledges that sometimes the character begins with a portion of myself “amplified or inverted” and then through play it is given “enough time to be something other than a part of a person.” Emily points that this helps move the character from an “I wish I was” stand-in to a complex and changing character. She stresses the importance of devoting time to this process, the way the group needs to be devoted to it, and how the story and narrative also help to shape the complexity of the character. As with Christine and Jennifer, the connection and separation are essential to the connection with character. Emily describes carefully her process of getting in touch with her character. She states she typically will form an image in her head, reflect on the character’s background, motivations, secrets and recent events, adopt any pose, voice or speech patterns, and then imagine the scene from the character’s perspective. The connection and separation between Emily and Lily noted earlier are often experienced as a voice or suggestion. As noted earlier, Emily’s similarity to and difference from Argave shows both connection and difference. This duality is even more highlighted in the stark contrasts between Emily and Lily regarding gender roles and sexism. She also talks about how her relationships with Argave, with Varsa, and with Lily allow her to develop empathy for different perspectives and experiences. It is clear that the distinction or difference from them is part of what allows that empathy to develop. Emily indicates that she very much enjoys playing different characters as this challenges her and helps

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her to develop not only empathy for others’ perspectives, but helps her to more clearly articulate her own positions, views, and values. She stresses that the immediacy of the connection and the difference in their perspectives and reactions help both her and character to see differently, to challenge their perspectives, change, and grow. For Emily a depth of connection to character and a sense of surprise from their autonomy are very much valued. Emily talks explicitly about how her characters often surprise her and how this is both “pleasant” and “startling.” Lily notes that Emily was clearly surprised by her decision to use her magical powers in the service of the lay clergy and to leave behind her widow ways. Emily acknowledges that when a character surprises her it leaves her wondering if she is no longer in control or just unconscious of that control. It is clear that for her characters to begin to have an impact they must be unique, distinct and real characters, separate and independent from her and yet connected. She notes that reflecting on the surprises they bring, takes her into deeper relationship with them. It is here that the relationship to characters begins to have the potential for transformation. She muses how at times that reflection leads her to speculate about why certain aspects of a character are emerging and how that may be related to her own life. As noted earlier, Emily has learned much about herself from her reflections and interactions with her characters, noting how they are often helpful in sorting through difficult issues in an imaginative way, from her issues with sexuality, to handling a break-up, to just dealing with a very low, depressing time. Even her intense interaction with Argave, in which she felt like that connection had become a bit too obsessive and isolated from other means of coping, is still a source of solace and a touchstone for her spiritually. The most powerful transformation evident from Emily’s character relationships however seems to come in the way that some characters seem to serve the role of daimon. James Hillman (1996) describes the daimon as something neither human nor supernatural but coming from the middle ground of soul. He notes that the daimon provides an image for the person that soulfully drives their life and character and serves at the acorn for the tree they are becoming. When Emily has achieved that intimacy of connection and yet distinct and autonomous nature of the character it is like for her an “imaginary friend” who speaks for part of her. As Lily, she uses the concept of the daimon to describe it, noting that the daimon can give voice to a different perspective or offer the opportunity for debate or dialogue. This very special relationship to

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characters is most clearly presented in the way that several of Emily’s characters have opened her up to a transition in career and to her relationship to spirituality. From her early first grappling with issues of religion through the character of Argave, to participating in Lily’s calling to the lay clergy, the power of the imaginal seems to have made its way into Emily’s life much as Watkins and Hillman suggest can happen when we are open to it. Again in her words from the reflexive interview, Actually, I think that the two characters helped me realize that Divinity was a calling. Call them a symptom of a not-fully-realized desire to seek and serve and wrestle with God(s). I think that conceiving of faith in the simple systems of a roleplaying game helped me see that faith was a question I was wondering about every day in the real world, and that it could be where I was headed. This realization of calling led her to graduate studies in Divinity at a prestigious university. She is planning to continue on and remains thankful for the way that the interview and opportunity to reflect on these issues may have played a role in transforming her life. What sets Emily’s experience apart from the others and may be the key difference to the depth of influence her characters have upon her is her openness to interacting with these characters and reflecting on the possibility of their influence. Hillman describes this openness as a “rare courage that submits to this middle region of psychic reality where the supposed surety of fact and illusion of fiction exchange their clothes” (Hillman, 1983, p. 54-55). He notes that it involves a tolerance to “engage” with these characters with a recognition and respect that doesn’t try to control them or submit to them even though their autonomy may “radically alter, even dominate our thoughts and feelings” (Ibid, p. 54-55). Having experienced the intensity of that both positively and negatively in her relationship to Argave, and regularly engaging in such reflection seems to be evidence of her willingness to allow ego to be more of a character that can be influenced by these imaginal others through the dialogical relationship of the daimon. Unlike Christine, who carefully does not engage the dialogue, or Jennifer who is careful about how much she will reflect on the influence of characters, Emily’s encounters evidence the way that such openness of imaginal consciousness may allow for more powerful influences, ones that truly tap into the power of psyche, of the daimon, and of calling. In seeking a bridge between archetypal theory and feminist relational theory the connections seem tenuous but offer interesting potential. While feminist relational scholars

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(Miller, 1986; Jordan 1997) talk about a particular kind of relationship between persons and how through connection and active respectful mutuality one develops a sense of self-in-relation, they also hint that the qualities of those relationships may also be useful in understanding intrapersonal relationships as well. Watkins (2000) focuses on the internal relations between ego and imaginal other which seem to result in an archetypal self-in-relation, not only to the intrapersonal realm but to the imaginal and interpersonal as well. Feminist scholars note empathy and mutuality as the basis for the formation of connection and that this requires truly understanding the other and their similarities and differences in a spirit of respect and desire for mutual understanding and empowerment. This kind of relationship of mutuality, respect, and tolerance is one which moves toward mutual empowerment through the zest of emotional connection, action, knowledge of self, other, relationship and its process, a responsive sense of worth between partners, and a greater sense of connection and desire for more of that experience. All of these qualities seem present in the relationships between self and character articulated in these encounters. They are based on intimate knowledge of self and other as they interplay in the gaming space. They are lively, active, and full of emotional connection and zest with a passionate desire for more of this connection in the ways players keep playing. These dialogues show the worth, value, and the respect the players and characters have for one another despite their differences, as well as responsiveness to each other’s needs, desires, and directions. Most importantly, these relationships with the other lead to empowerment. For Jennifer, her relationship with Siv empowered her to stand up to the harassment and oppression in her gaming group and to continue to do so, while Emily was empowered to follow her calling and to recognize through gaming explicitly the sacred interconnection with the world. While this is only a small connection between these two theoretical areas, the notion that relationships with imaginal characters can be constructed in such a way as to develop a sense of self-in-relation that are empowering is an idea ripe for further exploration. An additional question that comes immediately to mind is how this experience of relating to characters might happen for the novice player. These women clearly are experienced players and they note how even the beginnings of creating the character begin to shape the character and its relationship to them. They also note how quickly they form these connections with the character through play, beginning from the very first gaming session. How would this process occur for less experienced players and the characters they create? It would be further

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enlightening to this process of development to conduct similar interviews with new players and their characters as they begin to develop a character, begin to play that character, and as that relationship develops in the game. We also have to ask if these experiences of relationship between self and character are unique to women who game. This seems doubtful given my own experiences, but further exploration would be very fruitful. Not only would it help us to further explore the nature of this relationship of self to character in an archetypal framework of a multiplicity of self, it may also provide further evidence and understanding of the nature of a multiple model of self, the processes by which that self is manifested and evolves, as well as the nature of consciousness itself. Such explorations may also elucidate further how one can relate and build relationships with imaginal others in ways that honor all sides of the relationship and serve to build imaginal consciousness and how gaming may be one place where that can occur. ______The silent reflection is broken by The Guide’s gentle touch on the shoulder. “It’s nearly time. Come. The Mage and your home await.” The Guide leads us into the door of The Mage’s shop. The front room is filled with shelves covered with interesting artifacts and items, both mundane and exotic. Stones, gems, pieces of wood, bottles, vials, necklaces, brooches, rings, and belts, and even small skeletons and skulls. A rack of dried plants adorns one wall. A curtained doorway leads to a room beyond. The pungent scent of incense and herbs intermix. The barely audible sound of low murmured chanting hangs gently in the air. Amid the wonders, our eyes are drawn to a large globe of shiny black obsidian resting at waist level on a tall golden stand. As we move to inspect it closer, the blackness within begins to swirl as if alive. Staring deeper into it, shapes seems to emerge. ______What does the future hold for gaming and its communities? Already numerous technologies have begun to shape the gaming community. From the uses of technology to enhance the organization and interaction of local gaming groups, to Internet gaming sites, groups, and email lists, to the increasing merging of traditional role-playing with online games through advances in graphic and Internet technology, we have only inklings of what is yet to emerge as these technologies grow, expand and change. Already the study of online and computer games is a burgeoning field, one which requires a knowledge and background in the

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study of communication, media, and communication technologies, as well as psychology, sociology, and cultural studies (for examples see http://www.gamestudies.org/ or http://academic-gamers.org/). But we must not forget that these technologies also add a level of complexity to studying games, as we must now also take into account the ways that these technologies themselves shape our selves, our communications, our relationships, and our presentation of self. Clearly, one way these technologies have changed gaming is by offering opportunities for what were once local communities to reach beyond their physical limitations. Additionally, the anonymity of online environments allow gamers of all types to transcend the barriers that gender, race, disability, or other forms of difference might have posed in face-to-face interactions. While this anonymity can lead to increasing negativity, flaming (hostile textual attacks), and harassment in online interactions, perhaps by erasing some of these barriers, gamers may be able to see each other as gamers and to increase in their tolerance for one another. Greater contact between different gamers opens up the possibility of a richer diversity of interactions among players who might never have met or shared ideas except possibly at a convention. By expanding the horizon of players, styles of play, and imaginations, new options are created for gamers to encounter and learn from each other. It allows for more people to participate in discussion of issues, though the limitations of Internet communication may similarly limit the quality and productive nature of those interactions. While these technologies may also help to generate awareness of the increasing number of women in gaming, it may also lead to the continued perpetuation of attitudes and beliefs that limit these games from being inclusive. The central question in light of this study is how our imagination about these technologies frees us and limits us for imagining new directions and relationships to technology, these games, and each other? ______“The future is clouded for us all.” The ragged scratchy voice jars us back to the shop. A shadowed figure, bent and thin, stands robed and hooded there beside The Guide. “Looking for answers there will only lead you astray. The truths we find are those that are already within. Eyes must be prepared to see in certain lights.” The figure throws a purple silken scarf over the black ball. “I can see by your eyes that the wonders of The Crossroads have done you well.”

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The Guide nods in agreement. “Yes, yes. Our journey to The Crossroads has been long and fruitful and has now come to its end. Though ‘tis done, hopefully it is not forgotten. It is time to go. Time to take that knowledge home.” The Mage reaches out a hand, gnarled and dark of skin. In the upturned palm is a shiny disk. Taking the proffered gift, it is etched on one side with an eye and on the other with an elaborate cross pattern. The Mage’s cowled head nods in approval. We follow the gestured hand toward the curtained doorway. “I hope that you will return soon. We are always just a glance and step away.” “Indeed,” echoes the Guide, “A glance and a step away.” As we pass through the mirror-like surface of the doorway beyond the curtain, there is a tingling that rises from feet to head as The Guide’s words resound in mind. ______This has been by no means a traditional social science research project. This project was an attempt to take psychology a different direction, down a road less traveled, not only by studying a topic rarely examined but also by doing so in a different way. It has tried to strike a balance between being scholarly and at the same time capture the adventure, spirit, imagination, and life of role-playing games, their players, and the relationship between players and characters. Psychology has long avoided exploring experiences of imagination like these or tried to pathologize them because they challenge our notions of consciousness and foundations of a singular notion of self upon which so much of the discipline has grown and because its traditional methods, based on natural science models are often ill-suited to the task. This study used the models of performance ethnography provided by Denzin (2003) seeking to find a nontraditional format that would allow for more active co-construction with participants as well as audience. This kind of writing values not only content and theory but also the aesthetic qualities of their presentation and the relationship between author and material (p. 121). It seeks to engage the reader and audience in the process as co-creators to “invite them into other persons’ worlds of experience” (p. 121). By presenting multiple perspectives and the interrelations between them it works to bring the audience into a felt relationship to the material in a way that is emotionally and intellectually moving, reflexive, empowering and not boring. His framework for evaluating such performative social science states that such texts should, 1. Unsettle, criticize, and challenge taken-for-granted, repressed meanings.

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2. Invite moral and ethical dialogue while reflexively clarifying their own moral positions. 3. Engender resistance and offer utopian thoughts about how things can be made different. 4. Demonstrate that they care, that they are kind. 5. Show instead of tell, using the rule that less is more. 6. Exhibit interpretive sufficiency, representational adequacy, and authentic adequacy. 7. Present political, functional, collective, and committed viewpoints (p. 123). Seeking to live up to the standards of such inquiry, in particular being scholarly, evocative, and imaginative was a difficult line to walk and made this study challenging. I strove to demonstrate my passion and interest in gaming and these issues without alienating or losing the interest of the women or men of the gaming community or the non-gaming audience who are less familiar with this terrain. The very structure of the study as an adventure was one way I sought to address this research to the gaming community and to make it accessible and intriguing to them and to the non-gaming community. The central purpose of this study was to show the experiences of women in gaming and to give voice to the experiences of those silenced women and the imaginal others that are part of their lives and worlds, demonstrating the nature of their relationships to the culture of gaming and to the characters they play. Engaging the many cultural, political, collective, and personal viewpoints on these experiences through multiple perspectives was an effort to not only challenge those viewpoints, assumptions, and understandings, but to also invite further dialogue about these issues in a way that also offers a voice of resistance and a hope for change. Throughout, I sought to present my own position as author as well as to critically and subjectively reflect upon that position, from the Halls of the Self to the reflections in this The Return. I also tried to present for the reader in these dialogues and reflections my relationship to the participants as a collaborative relationship that allowed for co-creation in a way that would adequately and authentically represent and analyze our encounters. This project is also another step in moving toward a psychology of soul, of depth and imagination, a psychology that makes room for art, performance, and play, for phenomenology and for knowledge by experience. It is a psychology that with and through play and imagination

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explores experiences with and of the imaginal other. In doing so we find that within imaginal spaces are experiences that can speak quite powerfully and authentically about people and the nature of self perhaps more meaningfully to the very people about whom it claims knowledge. This project invites us to explore use of the imaginal Crossroads of gaming in a liminoid time and space in human culture to transform ourselves. It invites us to learn from the marginalized people and the marginalized imaginal others who lurk in our consciousness, how to better relate to ourselves, to others and our world. This study provides one model of how some people through gaming have accomplished that. Despite the potentially freeing power of imagination, these games and their culture can be sexist, limiting, and oppressive. It can mirror the worst of the people and cultures from which it emerges. But let us not forget that we choose our intent in the relationship to that power of imagination. We can choose to see differently and be different. We can choose to remain open to the influence of the other, both real and imaginal, rather than defend ourselves in comfort and fear. By showing how some have done so, I hope this study can provide a model for others. Furthermore, this project, constructed to be accessible to the community from which it arises, may provide a way that people can relate to these issues by entering these experiences. That is the intention of performance ethnography and this kind of project. It not only invites us into the world of gaming and the experiences of women in gaming, it invites us to re-imagine our selves, our culture, and our world. The conclusions of this work rest not solely on the researcher to define, but on the reader, whose senses and experiences have been touched by this work and by the participants who were a part of it. Role-playing games are not meant to be the key to understanding the self or archetypal psychology. They are games played for fun and social interaction. But for some players, these games can provide us with a possible way for people to better understand, conceptualize, encounter, and perhaps transform themselves. Through gaming experiences and play with characters, perhaps they find a different way to connect with themselves, with others and with their world in ways that foster relationships which value interdependence, tolerance, respect, diversity, multiplicity and depth. Such relationships and ways of thinking and being then may allow them to adapt, survive, and thrive amid the transient, fast-paced chaos of our world and its multiplicity of demands on the self. Such transformations are only a glance and a step away. They can only happen if we journey to the Crossroads of the imagination, if we enter

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into the Eyes of the Beholder, and if we have the courage to see through and imagine them in a new way, and the respect to keep those images alive and thriving in our lives.

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Appendix A

RPG Companies List

Alderac Entertainment: [email protected] 7th Sea; D20; Oriental; Farscape; Basement Games: [email protected] Forge: Out of Chaos RPG Biohazard Games: [email protected]. Blue Planet RPG Chaosium: [email protected] Call of Cthulu Cloud Kingdom Games: [email protected] RPG Supplements- Riddlebooks, treasury, etc. Columbia Games: [email protected] HarnMaster Corsair Publishing: [email protected] Campaign Magazine Creative Illusions: [email protected] The Seventh Seal RPG Decipher Games: [email protected] Lord of The Rings, StarTrek Deep7: [email protected] Arrowflight, Bloode Island, Red Dwarf Dream Pod 9: [email protected] Heavy Gear RPG, Gear Krieg, Jovian Chronicles, Tribe 8 Eden Studios: [email protected] Buffy, ConspiracyX, All Flesh Must be Eaten, Terra Primate, Witchcraft, d20 FanPro: [email protected] Shadowrun: [email protected] Battletech: [email protected] Fantasy Flight Games: [email protected] Legends and Lairs d20; Dragonstar Flying Buffalo: [email protected] Tunnels and Trolls; Mercenaries, Spies and Private Eyes; Catalyst generic RPG ForeverWorld: [email protected] Never World Galileo Games, Inc: [email protected] Legends of Yore, The Darklands, BullDogs d20 Game Monkey Press: [email protected] Valherjar: The chosen slain Gold Rush Games: [email protected] Action System; Yusagi Ojimbo; Sengoku; Legacy: War of Ages Grey Ghost Games.: [email protected] Fudge; Gatecrasher; Deryni Guardians of Order, Inc.: [email protected] Silver Sentinels; Big Eyes Small Mouth; Hong Kong Action Theatre; Heaven and Earth Hero Games, Inc.: [email protected] Champions, Star Heroes, Fantasy Heroes Hinterwelt Enterprises: [email protected] Alternate Earth; Nebuleon; Tales of Gaea Hogshead Publishing: [email protected] Warhammer RPG Holistic Design Inc.: [email protected] Fading Suns; Somalia d20

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Appendix A (continued)

RPG Companies List (continued)

Iron Crown Enterprises: [email protected] Rolemaster; Spacemaster Issaries, Inc.: [email protected] Hero Wars Kenzer & Co.: online form http://www.kenzerco.com/contact.php Hackmaster; Kingdoms of Kalimar d20 Living Room Games: [email protected] Earthdawn Louis Porter Jr. Design, Inc.: [email protected] D20 Horror adventures Misguided Games Inc.: [email protected] Children of the Sun Mythic Dreams Studios: [email protected] D20 Horror setting Otherworld Creations: [email protected] D20 settings Pagan Publishing: [email protected] Cthulu support Palladium: online form http://www.palladiumbooks.com/cgi-bin/feedback.cgi Rifts Pinnacle Games: [email protected] Deadlands Privateer Press: [email protected] D20 supplements Sanguine Productions, Ltd.: [email protected] Ironclaw; Jadeclaw; Covert Action Steve Jackson Games: [email protected] GURPS; Hellboy; In Nomine; Third World Games, Inc.: [email protected] Firestorm Troll Lord Games: [email protected] D20 supplements Tyranny Games: [email protected] The End Voyager Games: [email protected] Not yet released RPG West End Games: [email protected] D6 system; Masterbook; Torg White Wolf: [email protected] Storyteller system Wizards of the Coast: [email protected] Star Wars, Dungeons and Dragons; d20 products Zody Games: [email protected] Fantasy Earth Zottola Publishing: [email protected]

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Appendix B

Gaming Professional Recruitment Letter

Hello. My name is Christopher Dyszelski and I am a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at Miami University as well as a long-time role-playing gamer. I am currently working on a doctoral dissertation studying the players of tabletop role-playing games. The purpose of the study is to investigate and document the experiences, behavior, and attitudes held by players of these games.

As a part of this study, I am interested in interviewing professionals working in the role-playing game industry for their unique perspective on the history, development, current state, and future of the gaming industry. These interviews will be conducted via a series of emails or Internet chat and arranged at the mutual convenience of the participants and researcher.

These interviews are one part of the larger study of the experiences of women in role-playing games. The larger study will also include a web-based survey of gamers, examinations of media, and in-depth interviews with female players. Interested female participants in these interviews may be contacted as participants for the in-depth interviews that will explore further their particular experiences in role-playing games.

If you are interested in learning more about this study and participating in an interview, please email me at [email protected] and I can give you more information, including a formal consent form. Also please feel free to send this email on to other gaming industry professionals you know that may be interested in participating in the study.

I thank you for your time and attention and hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Christopher Dyszelski, M.A. Department of Psychology Benton Hall Miami University Oxford, OH 45056 [email protected]

280

Appendix C

Introduction Email and Consent Form

Dear ,

Thank you very much for your quick reply and interest in learning more about this study. I am excited to finally be getting it underway and hope you will be interested in participating.

For this portion of the study I am interested in interviewing professionals working in the gaming industry, primarily to establish some solid background about table-top role-playing games and the history and development of the industry. I have approximately 20 initial questions about your background, experiences and perceptions about gaming. I expect to proceed with follow-up questions as needed for clarification, detail, and to make sure that I am understanding your meaning.

Below you will find the official consent form. Please read it and consider whether you are still interested in participating. If so, please follow the directions as indicated and I will be in contact to continue the process. If you are not interested at this time, please let me know that as well. As stated below, your participation is voluntary and you may choose to cease participating at any time.

If you have other questions please ask and I will try to clarify them.

If you know of other professionals in the industry that may be interested, please feel free to pass the initial invitation email on to them.

A later portion of the study will involve interviewing female table-top role-players in a series of 3 more in-depth interviews, focusing on their experiences as players. If you are interested in learning more about that portion of the study to participate, or know of persons who might be, please let me know that as well.

Thank you again for your time and interest and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Christopher Dyszelski, MA Department of Psychology Benton Hall Miami University Oxford, OH 45056 513-529-2400 [email protected]

281

Appendix C (continued)

Introduction Email and Consent Form (continued)

Statement of Informed Consent for Gaming Professional Interviews

Purpose: The purpose of this study is to investigate and document the experiences, behavior, and attitudes held by players of table-top role-playing games, such as Dungeons & Dragons, Vampire the Masquerade, etc. Specifically I am interested in who plays these games, as well as their experiences in games, their attitudes about games, the role these games have in their lives, and the reasons for their continued interest and involvement in role-playing games. As a clinical psychology student and gamer myself I am very interested in these issues. I am specifically interested in interviewing professionals working in the role-playing game industry for their unique perspective on the history, development, current state, and future of the gaming industry. These interviews will be conducted via a series of emails or Internet chat and arranged at the mutual convenience of the participants and researcher. These interviews are one part of a larger study of the experiences of women in role- playing games. The larger study will also include examinations of media, a web-based survey of players, and in-depth interviews with female players. Interested female participants in the interviews may be contacted as participants for the in-depth interviews that will explore further their particular experiences in role-playing games.

General Information: For the purposes of this study only people 18 years or older who are currently employed in the gaming industry may participate. If you meet this requirement and would like to participate you should read all of this informed consent statement, answer the questions at the end and then send this via email to the researcher. Your email will serve as record of your consent to participate. You will then be contacted by the researcher to begin the interview process. If you have chosen to participate via email, the first round of questions will be sent to you and you and the researcher will negotiate subsequent rounds of questions, clarifications etc. as needed. I estimate perhaps 3 to 4 email exchanges to complete the interview process. If you have instead chosen to participate via online chat, arrangements will be made via email for a time and chat space that is mutually convenient. If need be, subsequent sessions may be scheduled as needed. I estimate perhaps an hour to hour and a half of interview time. During the course of the interview you will be asked a number of questions about yourself, your attitudes and experiences as a professional employed in the gaming industry. Your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer”.

282

Appendix C (continued)

Introduction Email and Consent Form (continued)

To ensure the quality of the data, I ask that you please answer all questions as honestly as you can. I am relying upon your honesty and integrity in this regard.

Risks of Participation: There are no anticipated risks to participating and no deception of any kind will be used in this study. However, some of the questions may deal with sensitive topics or remind you of negative experiences and evoke an emotional response. Every effort has been made to minimize this through generality of questions and allowing participants to decline to answer any questions and to discontinue their participation at any time.

Benefits: It is hoped that you will benefit from having the opportunity to reflect on and share your experiences, attitudes, and opinions about your interest in role-playing games. It is also hoped that you would also gain the knowledge that your contribution to the research literature on role- playing games would be a part of helping to address misinformation and misperceptions about role-playing games.

Contact: If you have any questions or concerns related to your participation in this study at any time during the process, you may contact the researcher, Christopher Dyszelski via email at [email protected] or by phone through the Miami University Psychology Department (513-529-2400). If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please call the Miami University Office of Advancement of Scholarship and Teaching at 513-529-3734. Please feel free to print this page for your own reference.

Consent: By answering the questions below and sending this email to the researcher, I acknowledge that I am at least 18 years of age, currently employed in the gaming industry and that I have read and agree with the procedures outlined in this document. I

283

Appendix C (continued)

Introduction Email and Consent Form (continued) understand that my participation is voluntary and that I may discontinue my participation at any time by indicating my desire to do so. I also understand that I may choose to use a pseudonym and that any identifying information will be changed to protect my confidentiality. I understand that all responses will be stored securely and confidentially upon receipt by the researcher. I further understand that the success of the research depends on the honesty of the responses submitted.

Name: Age: Sex: Employer:

Preferred Interview Method (please check (X) ONE) Email Online Chat

Please check (X) ONE of the following statements: I would like to be identified in the study by my first name I would like to be identified in the study by the following pseudonym (please type below)

Please check (X) ONE of the following statements: You may associate my identifying information with my responses Please change any identifying information as best as possible to maintain my confidentiality

I give permission for the use of interview material as follows (please check (X) ALL that apply): Paraphrases Brief Quotations (up to 2 sentences) Longer Quotations (more than 2 sentences)

Please send your replies to [email protected] and please print a copy of this email for your own records.

284

Appendix D

Gaming Professional Interview Question Guide

1. How did you first get involved in role-playing games? 2. How did you get your start working in the role-playing game industry? 3. Would you please trace out the path of your career in gaming thus far? 4. How would you describe the history of the role-playing game industry? a. What are some major events, highlights, low points, turning points? b. What are some contributing factors to those transitions? 5. What role have women played in gaming and the industry during that history? a. Has this changed over time and how? 6. How do you think most women get involved in gaming? a. Has this changed over time and how? 7. How do you think most women get involved in the gaming industry? a. Has this changed over time and how? 8. Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you play games? How so? 9. Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you design or produce games? How so? 10. Have you ever experienced a situation in the gaming industry where you felt uncomfortable, judged, or harassed because of your gender? a. Follow-up questions- What happened? What was your response? Did this resolve the situation to your satisfaction? What other actions did you take? 11. Have you ever witnessed others being judged or harassed because of their gender in the gaming industry? a. Follow-up questions- What happened? What was your response? Did this resolve the situation to your satisfaction? What other actions did you take? 12. Have you ever heard of gamers or industry professionals being judged or harassed because of their gender? 13. What is your opinion of the claim that gaming books and media are sexist in their representations of gender? 14. How would you rate the gaming industry’s books, supplements, and advertisements in comparison to other forms of entertainment media regarding issues of gender equality in artwork, character examples, and language usage? 15. What games or systems do you think are particularly good about portraying gender equality? 16. What games or systems do you think are particularly poor about portraying gender equality? 17. How do you perceive that sexism and gender equality issues have changed over the time you have been involved in the gaming industry? 18. What do you think would be helpful to make gaming a more gender equal and less sexist environment? 19. What keeps you involved in the gaming industry? 20. What do you like most about your job? 21. Anything else about yourself, your background, or jobs that you think are important for me to know?

285

Appendix E

Internet Questionnaire Invitation Email

As a part of this study, I am conducting an online survey. If you are at least 18 years of age, have played tabletop role-playing games and are interested in participating, I encourage you to read more about it at the site (below) and consider participating.

This survey is one part of a larger study of the experiences of women in role-playing games. The larger study will also include examinations of media, interviews with gaming professionals, and in-depth interviews with female players. Interested female participants in the survey may be contacted as participants for the in-depth interviews that will explore further their particular experiences in role-playing games.

If you are interested in learning more about this study and participating in the survey, please go to http://www.users.muohio.edu/dyszelcj/rpgresearch/RPGCONSENTPAGE.HTML

If you have other questions, please email me at [email protected]. Please feel free to send this email on to other role-playing game players you know that you think may be interested in participating in the study.

I thank you for your time and attention and hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Christopher Dyszelski, M.A. Department of Psychology Benton Hall Miami University Oxford, OH 45056 [email protected]

286

Appendix F

List of Gaming Communities, Gaming Sites and Email Lists

RPG Player Locator: [email protected] NetRPG : [email protected] RPG Registry: [email protected] Fathomgate Online: [email protected] Acess Denied: [email protected] Prince Etrigan’s Role-player’s Resources: [email protected] RPG Times: [email protected] Defrag’s Realms: [email protected] Burning Void: [email protected] Women in Gaming: [email protected] Roleplaying Tips: [email protected] About.com RPG: [email protected] RPG Net: [email protected] Wanderers Rest: [email protected] CARPGa: [email protected] The Forge: [email protected] Infinite Dungeon: [email protected] The Third Tome: [email protected] D and D Adventures: [email protected] Rays Realm: [email protected] Vadim’s Realm: [email protected] Role Players Ink: mailto:[email protected] 3rd Edition.org: [email protected] Community3E: [email protected] EnWorld: [email protected] SWRPGNetwork: [email protected] Starfrontiers.com: [email protected] Welcome to the shadows: [email protected] UCAS Online (shadowrun): [email protected] Robotech Reference Guide: [email protected] Cyberpunk UK: [email protected] Jovian Chronicles: [email protected] Star Trek Role-playing Game Series: [email protected] Tormentor’s Vitual wasteland: [email protected] Gamma World Alternity: [email protected] Skyrealms of Jorune: [email protected] Realms of SDC (Heroes Unlimited): [email protected] Marvel Superheroes Online: [email protected] Morpheus Unbound (V&V): [email protected] Feng Shui: [email protected] Millenium’s End: [email protected] Top Secret: [email protected]

287

Appendix F (continued)

List of Gaming Communities, Gaming Sites and Email Lists (continued)

The Awakening (generic horror): [email protected] Shoggothnet: [email protected] InNomine: [email protected] Witchcraft: [email protected] Tribe8: [email protected] World of Darkness: [email protected] NO LONGER VALID JB Zanzibar WoD: [email protected] Nyboria(Modern Horror Games): [email protected] Demonground (Horror rpgwebzine): [email protected] Critical Miss: [email protected] Flatlands Gaming Center: [email protected] Tampa Area Gamers: [email protected] Miami Strategy Gaming Club: [email protected] Champions of Atlanta: Mike Christodoulou: [email protected] Ohio’s RPG Gamers: [email protected] Clarksville Gamemaster’s Guild: [email protected] WebRPG: online submission to http://www.webrpg.com/magicomments.phtml National Gamers Guild: [email protected] or online submission at http://www.nggnet.com/classifieds/form.htm Pen and Paper: Online submission at http://www.penpaper.net/modules.php?op=modload&name=Submit_News&file=index RPG News: Online submission http://www.rpgnews.com/ Be A Gamer: [email protected] Adventure Games Plus: [email protected]

288

Appendix G

Overview and Consent Form, Questionnaire, Debriefing Form

Overview and Consent Form

A reproduction of the original overview and consent form can be found online at:

http://www.geocities.com/hermeticgamer/Dissertation/RPGCONSENTPAGE.HTML

Notations have been made to indicate that the survey is no longer functional nor accepting data at this time.

Questionnaire

A reproduction of the original questionnaire can be found online at:

http://www.geocities.com/hermeticgamer/Dissertation/RPGSURVEY.html

Notations have been made to indicate that the survey is no longer functional nor accepting data at this time.

Questionnaire Debriefing Form

A reproduction of the original questionnaire debriefing form can be found online at:

http://www.geocities.com/hermeticgamer/Dissertation/rpgsurveyrsp.html

Notations have been made to indicate that the survey is no longer functional nor accepting data at this time.

289

Appendix H

Questionnaire Analysis

The questionnaire yielded data on 280 different variables. These variables included basic demographic information as well as information regarding participants’ interest in gaming, number of years they have gamed, favorite games, styles of gaming, other hobbies and interests, and the connection between gaming and other interests, skills, and abilities. I asked about their involvement in the gaming subculture, the groups they have gamed with, and their experiences at conventions. I asked about their perceptions of women gamers, attitudes and opinions of women in gaming, attitudes about the images and materials of gaming in regard to sexism, and of their attitudes about the treatment of women in the gaming culture. I was also able to gather some minimal information on their experiences relating to the characters they play and the impact of that on their sense of self. Lastly, the questionnaire allowed me to identify female players who might be interested in participating in in-depth interviews.

While the questionnaire yielded a significant amount of data, for the purposes of this exploratory project, only a subset of this data was selected to provide a snapshot of the gaming subculture and the attitudes toward and place of women in it, focusing particularly on commonly stated beliefs, ideas, differences, and issues of sexism. Frequency data was used in percentage form to support themes in Chapter 4: In the Eyes of the Beholder. For the purposes of readability, certain percentages were combined using simple addition. Additional data analysis and presentation of this information may be utilized in a later project. Tables 1 through 17 show the data for each of the questions that were analyzed.

290

Appendix I

Female Interview Participant Recruitment Letter

As a part of this study, I am interested in interviewing women who are involved in tabletop role- playing games for their unique perspective and experiences in gaming particularly their relationship with the characters they have played. These interviews will be conducted via a series of emails or Internet chat sessions and arranged at the mutual convenience of the participants and researcher.

These interviews are a central part of this study, which also includes a web-based survey of gamers, examinations of media, and interviews with gaming industry professionals.

If you are interested in learning more about this study and participating in an interview, please email me at [email protected] and I can give you more information, including a formal consent form.

I thank you for your time and attention and hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Christopher Dyszelski, M.A. Department of Psychology Benton Hall Miami University Oxford, OH 45056 [email protected]

291

Appendix J

Statement of Informed Consent for Female Gamer Interviews

Purpose: The purpose of this study is to investigate and document the experiences, behavior, and attitudes held by players of table-top role-playing games, such as Dungeons & Dragons, Vampire the Masquerade, etc. Specifically I am interested in who plays these games, as well as their experiences in games, their attitudes about games, the role these games have in their lives, and the reasons for their continued interest and involvement in role-playing games. As a clinical psychology student and gamer myself I am very interested in these issues. I am specifically interested in interviewing women involved in role-playing games for their unique perspective. These interviews will be conducted via a series of emails or Internet chats and arranged at the mutual convenience of the participants and researcher. These interviews are the central part of a larger study of the experiences of women in role-playing games. The larger study also includes examinations of media, a web-based survey of players, and interviews with professionals in the gaming industry.

General Information: For the purposes of this study only women 18 years or older who are involved in tabletop role-playing games may participate. If you meet this requirement and would like to participate you should read all of this informed consent statement, answer the questions at the end and then send this via email to the researcher. Your email will serve as record of your consent to participate. The researcher will then contact you to begin the interview process. If you have chosen to participate via email, the first round of questions will be sent to you. You will be asked a number of questions about yourself, your attitudes and experiences as a woman involved in role-playing games. There will be three separate interview sessions. The first will focus on your gaming and life experiences, the second will be an interview with you “playing” one of your characters, and the third will involve reflecting on the first two interviews and your experiences in the study. I estimate perhaps 4-6 email exchanges to complete each interview session. You and the researcher will negotiate subsequent rounds of questions, clarifications etc. as needed. If you have instead chosen to participate via online chat, arrangements will be made via email for a time and chat space that is mutually convenient. We will need to schedule 3 separate sessions with the possibility of additional sessions scheduled as needed. I estimate perhaps 2 to 3 hours of interview time. Your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer”. To ensure the quality of the data, I ask that you please answer all questions as honestly as you can. I am relying upon your honesty and integrity in this regard.

292

Appendix J (continued)

Statement of Informed Consent for Female Gamer Interviews (continued)

Confidentiality: If you choose to do so, you will be able to choose a pseudonym and ask that the researcher change other identifying information to protect your confidentiality, however those who know you well may still be able to identify your responses. Every effort will be made to protect that confidentiality in the use of your interview materials. If your quoted material is included in the written product(s) of the study, the researcher will attempt to contact you and provide you with the opportunity to read the written account of that material and any interpretations of that account. If possible, at that time, you will be provided a final opportunity to negotiate any changes to the account as well as withdraw your participation before publication of the study. Because your responses are transmitted via the Internet, I cannot guarantee your privacy during transmission, however all data is being stored securely once it is received. Only the primary researcher, his advisors and assistants will have access to this data. You will be provided information for accessing the final product of this study and efforts will be made to contact you regarding use of this data for any future projects.

Risks of Participation: There are no anticipated risks to participating and no deception of any kind will be used in this study. However, some of the questions may deal with sensitive topics or remind you of negative experiences and evoke an emotional response. Every effort has been made to minimize this through generality of questions and allowing participants to decline to answer any question and to discontinue their participation at any time.

Benefits: It is hoped that you will benefit from having the opportunity to reflect on and share your experiences, attitudes, and opinions about your interest in role-playing games. It is also hoped that you would also gain the knowledge that your contribution to the research literature on role- playing games and women who play them would be a part of helping to address misinformation and misperceptions about these games and the women who play them.

293

Appendix J (continued)

Statement of Informed Consent for Female Gamer Interviews (continued)

Consent: By answering the questions below and sending this email to the researcher, I acknowledge that I am at least 18 years of age and that I have read and agree with the procedures outlined in this document. I understand that my participation is voluntary and that I may discontinue my participation at any time by indicating my desire to do so. I also understand that I may choose to use a pseudonym and to have any identifying information changed to protect my confidentiality. I understand that all responses will be stored securely and confidentially upon receipt by the researcher. I further understand that the success of the research depends on the honesty of the responses submitted.

Name: Age:

Preferred Interview Method (please check (X) ONE) Email Online Chat

Please check (X) ONE of the following statements: I would like to be identified in the study by my first name I would like to be identified in the study by the following pseudonym (please type below)

I give permission for the use of interview material as follows (please check (X) ALL that apply): Paraphrases Brief Quotations (up to 2 sentences) Longer Quotations (more than 2 sentences)

Please send this consent form to [email protected] and please print a copy of your response email for your own records.

294

Appendix K

Female Gamer Interviews Initial Questions

1. Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming within the context of your life, including such things as: a. How you first got involved in gaming and what things influenced your participation and interest b. Games and systems you played over time and the frequency of your gaming c. Descriptions of and experiences with different gaming groups you were involved in over time d. Experiences with game mastering if any e. Experiences at gaming conventions if any f. Highpoints, lowpoints, major transitions, challenges and thrills f. The impact of life events on your gaming and vice versa 2. What keeps you playing RPGs? 3. How do you think most women get involved in gaming? a. Has this changed over time and how? 4. Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you play games? How so? 5. What is your opinion of the claim that gaming books and media are sexist in their representations of gender? 6. Have you ever experienced what you would consider sexism, gender oppression, discrimination or just being made to feel uncomfortable because of your gender in a gaming context? (This includes your opinions and experiences with gaming materials, persons, groups, and at conventions or other gaming situations). a. If so, could you please describe those experiences, how you felt about them, and your response to them? (Feel free to share multiple stories or stories that best exemplify your experiences in this regard.) 7. How do you perceive that sexism and gender equality issues have changed over the time you have been involved in the gaming industry? 8. Do you typically play a kind of character or characters with similar qualities and if so why? 9. Are there particular images or character types that appeal to you more as a woman? a. To female gamers in general? 10. Could you please describe in detail your process for “getting into character”? a. What helps you to “stay in character”? What prevents that? b. Has that process of “getting into character” changed over the time you have been involved in gaming and if so how? 11. You indicated in your survey responses that the experience of playing a character has had an impact on your life or sense of self at some point. Could you please describe that situation and explain how it influence you including: a. What game you were playing, what the group was like, your style of play and relevant story or campaign context b. Any relevant context of your life at the time of the experience c. What was the character like and how did playing that character influence your life or your view of yourself. d. Any relevant examples of how playing the character influenced your life e. How would you characterize or describe your relationship to the character as well as how that relationship may have changed over time f. How did you feel about this experience g. What factors do you think contributed to such an experience? (If there is more than one such situation, please feel free to share multiple incidences or to choose the one that best exemplifies your experience of character having an influence on your life). 12. How common do you think such experiences are for people that game? 13. What have been your experiences, if any, with playing characters that are of a different gender than you? a. How did you feel about doing so? b. How did other group members respond?

295

Appendix L

Female Gamer Interview 2 Instructions and Questions

As indicated in the consent form, the second interview will be an interview with you playing one of your characters. I would like you, to the best of your ability, take the perspective of one of your characters that has had an impact on you, preferably one that we have talked about in the previous interview. Before answering the questions below, if you could, please begin by providing a brief description of the character and their life and experiences. Then I would like you to imagine reflecting on your gaming experiences from that character’s perspective instead of your “usual” self. Obviously your character, if you were to remain true to them, doesn’t “know” you are a gamer so this process will require a bit of imagination. You will need to assume they are aware that your “normal self” is a gamer with whom they have some kind of interaction or relationship in the context of gaming and perhaps beyond. I would ask that you try to enter that character’s perspective (with that added bit of knowledge and awareness) to answer the interview questions. Please ask for any clarifications as needed.

To help in this process I have included a brief introduction to an imaginary space to help you get into character and provide a gaming like context for the interview.

You have journeyed far to reach this place. When the messenger told you that such a place existed you doubted it. Yet here you are. Crossroads. They say it is a place between past, present and future. They say it is a place between worlds; a place where they converge and where persons and creatures of all types can meet and interact in safety and comfort. You are stunned and a bit overwhelmed by the overload to your senses as you make your way to the arranged meeting place. The Crossroads Inn looks inviting warm and friendly despite its enormity and hodgepodge of incongruous architecture. You step inside and are greeted by more of the variety and diverse mixture of sights, sounds and smells that have marked this unique space between worlds. Without a pause the bustle of this busy place continues around you and you find it hard to make sense of all the different things you encounter as you scan the room. As promised your contact is sitting in the booth at the very back. He smiles and waves to invite you to sit. He is dressed in a blue shirt studded with white buttons and tan pants, before him a tablet of parchment and pen. “Welcome. Glad to see you made it. Thank you so much for agreeing to participate and coming here.” He stands to greet you and gestures for you to have a seat. “Before we begin I want to remind you that your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer.” “ I’m very excited to hear what you have to say. Shall we begin?”

296

Appendix L (continued)

Female Gamer Interview 2 Instructions and Questions (continued)

1. Could you trace out the brief history of your involvement in gaming? a. How you first came to interact in gaming and what things influenced your participation and interest b. Games and systems you have participated in over time and your frequency c. Descriptions of and experiences with different groups you were involved in over time d. Experiences at gaming conventions if any e. Highpoints, low points, major transitions, challenges and thrills f. The impact of your life events on your gaming and vice versa 2. What keeps you involved? 3. How do you think most women get involved? a. Has this changed over time and how? 4. Do you believe your gender is a factor in how you interact in a game context? How so? 5. What is your opinion of the claim that RPGs are sexist in their representations of gender? 6. Have you ever experienced what you would consider sexism, gender oppression, discrimination or just being made to feel uncomfortable because of your gender in a gaming context? a. If so, could you please describe those experiences, how you felt about them, and your response to them? (Feel free to share multiple stories or stories that best exemplify your experiences in this regard.) 7. How do you perceive that sexism and gender equality issues have changed over the time you have been involved in gaming? 8. Do you feel you exhibit or have similar qualities to your player and if so why? 9. Are there particular images or character types that appeal to you more as a woman (or man)? a. To female or male gamers in general? 10. Could you please describe in detail your process for “making yourself present” in the gaming context? a. What helps you to “stay present”? What prevents that? b. Has that process of “making yourself present” changed over the time you have been involved in gaming and if so how? 11. Your player indicated in her survey responses that the experience of playing a character has had an impact on her life or sense of self at some point. Could you please describe that situation from your perspective and explain how it influenced you including: a. What game you were playing, what the group was like, your style of play and relevant story or campaign context b. Any relevant context of your life at the time of the experience c. What was the player like and how did interacting with that player influence your life or your view of yourself. d. Any relevant examples of how interacting with the player influenced your life e. How would you characterize or describe your relationship to the player as well as how that relationship may have changed over time f. How did you feel about this experience? g. What factors do you think contributed to such an experience? (If there is more than one such situation, please feel free to share multiple incidences or to choose the one that best exemplifies your experience of character having an influence on your life). 12. How common do you think such experiences are for people that game? 13. What have been your experiences, if any, of being played by someone of a different gender than your player? (or imagine you were being played by someone of another gender) a. How did you feel about that? b. How did other group members respond? c. How does it compare?

297

Appendix M

Interview 3 Instructions and Questions

The purpose of this final interview is to reflect back on the previous two interviews to further explore the process of examining your experiences as both a player of games and as one of your characters. These are some very general starting questions to help us begin to explore the process of the previous two interviews. I want to encourage you to share and talk about these interviews and what you have noticed, observed, learned, considered, were surprised about, disturbed by, or otherwise just want to discuss. Before we begin I want to remind you that your participation is entirely voluntary. You may choose to discontinue your participation at any time by simply stating that you would like to discontinue the interview. You may also choose not to answer any specific questions by responding with “NA” or “no answer.” Your responses will be handled in such a way as you designated on your consent form. If you have any questions or concerns about the interview, please ask. If you need clarification please ask as well.

1. Could you describe your general view of the relationship between self and character? 2. Is that relationship different depending on the character? 3. How would you describe your experience in this interview process? 4. What was the most enjoyable part of Interview 1 with you as player? 5. What was the most enjoyable part of Interview 2 with you as character? 6. What was the hardest or most challenging part of Interview 1 with you as player? 7. What was the hardest or most challenging part of Interview 2 with you as character? 8. Were there any things that surprised, intrigued, or puzzled you or that you found interesting about Interview 1 with you as player? 9. Were there any things that surprised, intrigued, or puzzled you or that you found interesting about Interview 2 with you as character? 10. Did you learn or realize anything about your character as a result of Interview 1 with you as player, and if so what? 11. Did you learn or realize anything about yourself as player as a result of Interview 2 with you as character, and if so what? 12. Have these interviews affected your view of the relationship between self and character and if so how? 13. Do you think that this interview process will affect how you think about or play characters in RPG’s and if so how? 14. Are there other issues that you would like to talk more about in regards to gaming, your experiences as a woman, or regarding your character and your relationship to that character? 15. Are there other issues related to these interviews that you think are important for me to understand your experience in this research process?

298

Table 1

Year of First Game for Female Players

What year did you first become involved in gaming? ______

Year Frequency Valid Percent ______

1975 1 1.0 1977 1 1.0 1978 1 1.0 1979 5 4.8 1980 7 6.7 1981 4 3.8 1982 4 3.8 1983 2 1.9 1984 3 2.9 1985 2 1.9 1986 3 2.9 1987 6 5.7 1988 1 1.0 1989 2 1.9 1990 3 2.9 1991 5 4.8 1992 3 2.9 1993 3 2.9 1994 7 6.7 1995 4 3.8 1996 8 7.6 1997 6 5.7 1998 2 1.9 1999 5 4.8 2000 7 6.7 2001 5 4.8 2002 4 3.8 2003 1 1.0 ______n = 105 for women

299

Table 2

Introduction to RPG’s

How were you first introduced to RPGs? ______

Method Total (%) Men (%) Women (%) ______

Male Friend 198 (46.4) 165 (52.1) 31 (29.5) Female Friend 15 (3.5) 4 (1.3) 11 (10.5) Male significant other 18 (4.2) 2 (0.6) 16 (15.2) Female significant other 2 (0.5) 2 (0.6) 0 (0.0) Social group, club, or organization 25 (5.9) 18 (5.7) 7 (6.7) Father 11 (2.6) 8 (2.5) 3 (2.9) Mother 3 (0.7) 1 (0.3) 1 (1.0) Brother 23 (5.4) 15 (4.7) 7 (6.7) Sister 7 (1.6) 4 (1.3) 3 (2.9) Other male family member 16 (3.7) 16 (5.0) 0 (0.0) Other female family member 5 (1.2) 4 (1.3) 1 (1.0) Male teacher 4 (0.9) 4 (1.3) 0 (0.0) Female teacher 3 (0.7) 3 (0.9) 0 (0.0) Discovered it myself 68 (15.9) 49(15.5) 18 (17.1) Game store 10 (2.3) 9 (2.8) 1 (1.0) Convention 5 (1.2) 4 (1.3) 1 (1.0) Other 14 (3.3) 9 (2.8) 5 (4.8) ______n = 427 for combined sample, n = 317 for men, n = 105 for women.

300

Table 3

Game Systems Played Monthly for at Least Six Months

Which of the following games or game systems (in any edition) have you PLAYED or GM'd AT LEAST MONTHLY or more for AT LEAST SIX MONTHS? ______

Game System Frequency Valid Percent Missing ______

Dungeons and Dragons 88 85.4 2 Vampire 36 36.4 6 Werewolf 23 23.7 8 Other White Wolfe Storyteller System 31 31.6 7 Star Wars 18 18.9 10 Shadowrun 13 13.7 10 Cyberpunk 2020 3 3.2 12 Star Trek 4 4.2 10 Palladium Games 10 10.6 11 Call of Cthulu 27 27.8 8 GURPS 28 28.9 8 Amber 8 8.7 13 7th Sea 1 1.1 11 Legend of the Five Rings 5 5.3 10 Deadlands 7 7.5 12 Alternity and/or Dark Matter 4 4.3 12 DC Heroes 8 8.5 11 Hero Games 15 16.3 13 ______n = 105 women

301

Table 4

Favorite Table-top Role-playing Game or System to Play or GM

What is your favorite table-top role-playing game or system to play or GM? ______

Game System Frequency Valid Percent ______

Dungeons and Dragons 49 49.5 Vampire 9 9.1 Werewolf 0 0.0 Other White Wolfe Storyteller System 10 10.1 Star Wars 2 2.0 Shadowrun 1 1.0 Cyberpunk 2020 0 0.0 Star Trek 0 0.0 Palladium Games 0 0.0 Call of Cthulu 3 3.0 GURPS 7 7.1 Amber 1 1.0 7th Sea 0 0.0 Legend of the Five Rings 0 0.0 Deadlands 3 3.0 Alternity and/or Dark Matter 0 0.0 DC Heroes 0 0.0 Hero Games 1 1.0 Other 13 13.1 ______n = 99 women

302

Table 5

Importance of Storytelling, Character Building, Dice and Rules Structure in Ideal Gaming Group

Please rate the importance of each of the following elements of games in your IDEAL gaming group on a scale from 1 (Not Important) to 7 (Very Important). ______

Game Element Total (%) Men (%) Women (%) ______Creating or telling a good story Score 1 (Not Important) 2 (0.5) 2 (0.6) 0 (0.0) Score 2 2 (0.5) 1 (0.3) 1 (1.0) Score 3 3 (0.7) 2 (0.6) 1 (1.0) Score 4 (Somewhat Important) 7 (1.6) 5 (1.6) 2 (1.9) Score 5 22 (5.2) 18 (5.7) 4 (3.8) Score 6 7 (16.9) 50 (15.8) 22 (21.2) Score 7 (Very Important) 318(74.6) 239 (75.4) 74 (71.2) Missing 2 (0.5) 1 (0.3) 1 (1.0)

Developing interesting characters and character interactions Score 1 (Not Important) 0 (0.0) 0 (0.0) 0 (0.0) Score 2 1 (0.2) 1 (0.3) 0 (0.0) Score 3 2 (0.5) 2 (0.6) 0 (0.0) Score 4 (Somewhat Important) 9 (2.1) 5 (1.6) 4 (3.9) Score 5 27 (6.4) 23 (7.3) 4 (3.9) Score 6 85 (20.0) 64(20.3) 20 (19.4) Score 7 (Very Important) 300 (70.8) 221(69.9) 75 (72.8) Missing 4 (0.9) 2 (0.6) 2 (1.9)

Use of dice, structured rules systems and game mechanics Score 1 (Not Important) 35 (8.2) 16 (5.0) 17 (16.3) Score 2 56 (13.1) 30 (9.5) 26 (25.0) Score 3 58 (13.6) 41(12.9) 17 (16.3) Score 4 (Somewhat Important) 124 (29.1) 97(30.6) 25 (24.0) Score 5 66 (15.5) 56(17.1) 10 (9.6) Score 6 49 (11.5) 44(13.9) 5 (4.8) Score 7 (Very Important) 38 (8.9) 33(10.4) 4 (3.8) Missing 2 (0.5) 1 (0.3) 1 (1.0) ______n = 428 for combined sample, n = 318 for men, n = 105 for women

303

Table 6

Agreement on Character Creation Elements

Please rate your agreement with the the following statements about your approach to character creation and development on a scale from 1 (Do Not Agree At All) to 7 (Totally Agree). ______

Character Element Total (%) Men (%) Women (%) ______

Dice roles and character stats are the most important aspects of character creation Score 1 (Do Not Agree At All) 57 (13.4) 33 (10.4) 21 (20.2) Score 2 67 (15.8) 42 (13.3) 25 (24.0) Score 3 79 (18.6) 59 (18.7) 20 (19.2) Score 4 (Somewhat Agree) 129 (30.4) 99 (31.3) 29 (27.9) Score 5 53 (12.5) 48 (15.2) 4 (3.8) Score 6 30 (7.0) 29 (8.2) 4 (3.8) Score 7 (Totally Agree) 10 (2.4) 9 (2.8) 1 (1.0) Missing 3 (0.7) 2 (0.6) 1 (1.0)

Personality and background are the most important aspects of character creation Score 1 (Do Not Agree At All) 2 (0.5) 2 (0.6) 0 (0.0) Score 2 2 (0.5) 1 (0.3) 1 (1.0) Score 3 8 (1.9) 7 (2.2) 1 (1.0) Score 4 (Somewhat Agree) 54 (12.7) 42 (13.3) 10 (9.7) Score 5 85 (20.0) 74 (23.4) 11 (10.7) Score 6 134 (31.6) 99 (31.3) 35 (34.0) Score 7 (Totally Agree) 139 (32.8) 91 (28.8) 45 (43.7) Missing 4 (0.9) 2 (0.6) 2 (1.9) ______n = 428 for combined sample, n = 318 for men, n = 105 for women

304

Table 7

Personal Experience of Gender Prejudice, Discrimination and Harassment

Have you ever been in a gaming related situation where you felt uncomfortable, judged, or harassed because of your gender (e.g. being stared or pointed at, treated rudely or unfairly, refused service or entry, unwanted sexual attention or advances)? ______