SEMESTER 1 WEEK 10 12 MAY, 2010

Tuning In Sydney's Community Radio in Crisis

Arts Hole SPECIAL: Sydney Uni Musos USU Elections: Twits on Twitter Struttin' at Australian Fashion Week Soundtrack to the Women's Issue 2

This Week's: Smoke-free days: five. Swedish snack most likely to tear the editingCONTENTS team apart: Salt Sill Original With more quokkas Worst/bestthan question asked by an editor this week: “Sibella, will your recreational libraries HONI SOIT, EDITION 9 cater to the boom in 3D movies?” - Joe Smith-Davies, Manning Soapbox 12 MAY 2010 ever before. Most divisive pun: “Rob Chiarella learns that good art cums on small packages.” Thing that’s not as awesome as it sounds: turning off a computer with a hammer.

The Post 03 The Arts-Hole 10 Letter rip, potato chip. SPECIAL EDITION: Jess Stirling, Jacinta Mulders, Bridie Connellan and Joe Payten catch up with our uni’s finest The Uni-Cycle 04 musical exports to talk sounds, Sydney and Zahra Anver thinks the answer is fairly obvious. the spotlight. Rob Chiarella learns that good art comes on small packages. The Mains 12 AA makes Oli Burton go AAAAAH! Daniel Zwi pricks his ears to a crisis in Tom Clement goes AAAAAH regarding AA. community radio.

Carmen Culina thinks something’s fishery. To market, to market, for Chelsea Tabart. 05 The Lodgers 14 Ted Talas keeps it fResh. David Mack and Naomi Hart deliver 06 Women’s Honi was music to Joe Payten’s Honi’s final election rumours (and have the ears. decency to publish their names). Joe Smith-Davies cries foul on all the Condom Art (Page 4)? Not as Ben Jenkins lays down the rules for a fair fight. snooker-haters. impressive as CONDOM SCULPTURE. 07 Toby Meagher went California Dreaming at the Coachella Music Festival.

Ben Jenkins, Joe Smith-Davies and The Usual Suspects 08 Naomi Hart educate yo ass. 15 THE HYPOTHETICAL: Anusha Rutnam gets dressed at Australian Would you rather Fashion Week. Kat de Jong knows us well. Almost too well. Every day be allergic to a different thing SRC OR Carmen Culina goes culinary at IKEA. 16 Have a magnetic head? Joe Smith-Davies loses ctrl. SUPRA 18 FAQ: Ben Jenkins has the invisible touch. 09 How strong is the magnetic pull? Tim Mooney is in the House. The Lower House. Bletchley Park The heaviest thing you could pick up with your head is a 20 half-full garbage can. Riddle me that. When I wake up, will I know what I’m allergic to for that day? No, but you will certainly find out. The Garter 21 - 23 How serious are the effects of the allergies? They will vary from day to day. The most serious will be severe dysentery or a very itchy rash. Considering I’m going to be dragged into a lot of fridges and the like, will my head be stronger than average to cope with these blows? EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Naomi Hart Yes, it will be resilient enough to handle most (but certainly not all) objects that come into contact with your head. EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Fridges, yes. Oncoming trains, no. Anusha Rutnam, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng REPORTERS Oli Burton, Rob Chiarella, Tom Clement, Monica Connors, Kat de Jong, Tim Mooney, Jacinta Mulders, Jess Stirling, Chelsea Tabart, Ted Talas, Daniel Zwi CONTRIBUTORS Zahra Anver, James Colley, Toby Meagher PUZZLES & CROSSWORD Mark Sutton

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The

Real-time results for # SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this rugbyzomg89 #MelbourneStorm land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors BudgetBlowOut #BudgetBlowOut #fml!!1! of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to less than 20 seconds ago be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained hacketyhack33 #B within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. #USUelection our proud democracy in strife! udgetBlowOut half a minute ago

hairyhellas46 # #greekriots following in proud footsteps! BudgetBlowOut 3 minutes ago The Post 3 and they insisted on continuing their use have a read. Next week, get to a gig. Fully [sic] of paper, I’d agree with you. But there Dear Ben, is no real alternative, and while I agree EDITORIAL This is also a week of democracy. If you that maybe they use big posters a bit CONTENTS You are right. I never read your editorial. The year 1929 began on a Tuesday. It was missed the news, the UK couldn’t find a HONI SOIT, EDITION 9 However I was intrigued by your too often, I think they’re far from the also a Tuesday on 29 October 1929, when government – coincidentally, the same 12 MAY 2010 opening line in last weeks [sic] edition, hypocrites you make them out to be. the price of stocks fell through the floor outcome as in the 1929 British election, when the Liberal Democrats’ predecessor, enticing me to prove you wrong and and threw millions of people into back- the Liberals, also held the balance of read the whole black box. I must say While we’re on the subject of the breaking poverty for a decade. power. Read our “Faking It” to learn how that I was a little disappointed at it’s [sic] environment, I want to bring up Honi Soit But the crumbling of the world’s financial to create the illusion of expertise. content. It may just be the Arts in me, and its liberal use of black and coloured inks. This isn’t the internet - using white systems wasn’t all that happened that year, 10 but I could not help but wonder if your which was jam-packed with watersheds In a closer-to-home race, the candidates font on a black background actually uses spell check was out of order that day? for artists of all stripes. Hollywood in the USU Board election have tested While reading your editorial I found more energy than the alternative AND distributed its first Academy Awards, and their mettle at the Manning Soapbox (with myself simulatniously giving into the there’s no underlying cause to justify this released Hearts in Dixie, the first film some damn fine questioning from the tempation that was rentlentlessly bugging crude overuse of ink. Plus it looks ugly. with an all-black cast, and On with the panel). Twitter and Facebook have been sites of anonymous rumour-mongering me to correct your awful spelling. You’re ACE IT UP HONI! Show, the first all-colour talkie. New York and -smothering. Some candidates have right, I will definitely skip over your City opened its Museum of Modern Art. Sincerely, Erich Maria Remarque’s All Quiet on the been penalised for admitting to breaching editorial from now on. Apart from that, the spending cap while allegations about 12 Jim Cronshaw Western Front hit – and subsequently flew yay for Honi, best newspaper on camous. other violations of the USU Regulations Science/Arts V off – the stands, as did the first editions of Oh my Ben. The Adventures of Tintin and Popeye. are flying about. Now it’s crunch-time as (not affiliated with Socialist Alternative) thousands of students head to the polls Regards, It was also in 1929 that some bright sparks this Wednesday. See our bumper “That’s 14 Erin PS My friend claimed that you stole a in the Sydney University Undergraduates What She Said” for the last minute low- Arts II KenKen puzzle from wikipedia. Is this Association first published a rag by the down. true!? FOR SHAME! PPS I enjoyed name of Honi Soit. your article on the Garter University We inherit a long and proud history at An Open Letter to Union elections. It gave me many lulz. Eighty-one years later, Honi wishes to pay this university, and the stories that emerge tribute to artists’ continuing enrichment of from our community every week continue Viv Moxham-Hall our lives. In a special edition of the Arts to build upon it. Honi attempts to capture Hole, we celebrate our own little corner of a slice of these stories in every issue. And Despite your Values, something and A Right to Life the creative world by shining the spotlight of course, by the time this edition rolls off enVironment (so very witty, kudos), I on up-and-coming (and in some cases, the press, it’s already Tuesday again. 15 will not be voting for you until you get Dear Editors [of Women’s Honi], up-and-already-come) bands exclusively in on that environment act, yourself. Those contributors who wrote on made up of USyd students. This week, Naomi Hart The number of pamphlets left scattered abortion almost failed to consider the in Wallace is doing nothing for your argument against pro-choice, namely standard should be a semester staple. I 16 campaign, or that precious environment the right to life of a human foetus. In Women’s Honi am however convinced that there is a you want to protect. Ps. All candidates general terms, when we weigh the right need for a Women's Honi that is actually please rememer which lectures you’re to choice and the right to life, we would Dear Honi editors, informative, less outrageously politically 18 Letter of already lecture bashed. Twice is fine, always chose the right to life. But when I know it's not your the Week! biased, and most of all, not quite so 20 thrice within 2 days, not so cool. PPS. a Rebecca Brown did so in relation to fault, but I'd just like tedious. And next time you decide to note to the wise - grab a campaign shirt, abortion, she suggested that the foetus to say how incredibly release a publication that is so mind- support something, and everyone else had a ‘higher status in society’ than the disappointed I was with last numbingly boring, at least have the will leave you alone. It’s sometimes worth mother. This is misguided. They each week's Women's Honi. Apart from being decency not to leave out the fucking The Garter 21 - 23 sacrificing your dignity for that. have equal status because they are both repetitive, having numerous grammatical Sudoku. human. errors, consistently misunderstanding Piper Gray and misusing the word 'irony', and being Regards, B Psych II If we are to allow the killing of foetuses, full of poorly-constructed sentences, it Nicole Helen Doughty then we must be consistent. We ought to was just so unbelievably dull. The only Arts III A Waste of Ink? legalise euthanasia, capital punishment articles remotely worth reading were and homicide. But if we are to reject Elly Howse's piece on college culture, Honi, abortion then we must be consistent: no Sibella Matthews' "The Shaggy Truth", Men’s Honi? I’m guessing that the reason why the euthanasia, abolitionism and long gaol and Nina Funnell's critique of feminine Dear Honi Socialist Alternative prints off “tonnes of sentences for murder. hygiene advertisements (which was paper” per month is because they, quite funnier when I read it in the Herald last After reading Women’s Honi I am once rightly, believe that advertising some of I also found your ‘fact’ that ‘abortion is Thursday). again surprised and sadden by many of their causes is more important than the one of the safest medical procedures in the injustices that women still face and I few trees they have to chop down for Australia’ highly ironic. Is it safe for the It was also tiresome to see the same old would be the first to say this publication advertisements. Consider the massacre future human being being cut, scraped social debates rehashed - once again, is integral in raising awareness of these of civilians in the 2009 Gaza war which or vacuumed out of the uterus? we had to read about abortion and the facts in the campus community. But once the SA campaigned heavily on. It’s use of the word ‘slut’ and the rise of again, pre-emptively, an argument for sensible to suggest that campaigning for I don’t think we should ban abortion: raunch culture and Abbott's sexism as if a Men’s Honi has been rebuked. Why an immediate stop to this massacre was there ought to be less of it, and not we, as women, have no interests beyond are men more likely to die from prostate more important than the few pine trees be philosophically based on a right to these issues. Fair enough, it is a Women's cancer then women from breast cancer that were chopped down for that cause. I choose, which then outweighs a right to issue, but that doesn't mean it has to be even though the incidence rate is lower? use this as an example; the same can be life. boring and preachy. You could have an Why are women automatically given said of many of their current causes. edition written and edited entirely by majority custody of children after a Yours faithfully, women that still contains most of the divorce? Why is if an older man pays If there was some other method of Robbie Turnbull entertainment we expect from a student attention to young child it is predatory advertising they could realistically use, BA/LLB III newspaper. but if a women does it is maternal? Why is justice system overwhelming full of So in response to the General Secretary's male offenders? I do not blame women the Report on page 15, I would have to for these problems facing men but rather say no, Donherra - I'm not convinced Peekaboo, I see you. With a shirt as red as scarlet that other men. I do not ask for a male Honi stalker that a newspaper of last week's poor somehow makes me want to keep the Union strong, as a reply to a female Honi but rather as you listen attentively to your lecturer on this crisp a way to raise awareness about uniquely Wednesday morning as he recounts tales of welfare Love mail? Hate mail? Articles? male issues in the campus community and woe in the US of A. Slyly, you look through your SEND IT ALL TO that are not tackled anywhere else. copy of Women’s Honi, chatting away with a green- shirted man of whom I am eternally jealous. Your glasses [email protected] Hopefully this has been some food for hid your eyes, but there’s no hiding my from my gaze. NEXT WEEK’S BEST LETTER PRIZE: thought. A free Dianetics Scientology DVD Think you were stalked? Send a photo of yourself to honi.soit@src. THIS WEEK: Nicole Doughty wins a copy of On David Clarke usyd.edu.au and you may win a prize! Lawmanship. Science Adv III 4 The Uni-Cycle OPINION Fair Trade Referendum Negative on Affirmative Action Zahra Anver, from the Oxfam USyd Society, on the USU’s vote of conscience. Oliver Burton opines on the place of AA in the Union Elections.

Coffee and chocolate are practically Well, the USU Board election is upon will never the staple foods of university students. us, bringing with it all the pomp and know whether When dragging your feet onto campus ceremony of a Vaucluse first birthday they have after only three hours’ sleep, a hot coffee party. It’s got me wondering about got there on and some chocolatey goodness can often the state of our democracy and, more their merits. mean the difference between drooling specifically, the fact that the candidates Positions they on the tables of your lecture theatre and who receive the greatest number of votes advocate actually managing to learn something. will not necessarily be elected to board. can never be And the reason is Affirmative Action. claimed to So it’s safe to say that we owe at least a be genuinely small part of our degrees on graduation This system, imposed in 2006, is backed by day to the wonderful coffee and cocoa completely antithetical to the most basic the electorate. And those that quietly bean farmers in places like the Pacific concepts of liberal democracy. This year, contend that women aren’t as talented Islands, Ghana, Brazil and Venezuela. two women will be elected regardless politicians as men, if those people exist, And what better way to say thank you to of whether they are good or popular can never be rebutted. them than voting YES at the Fair Trade candidates and regardless of any creative referendum on 12 May? Hopefully they won’t for much longer. accounting with the preferences. Supporters of AA will argue that this is We need a majority of votes for this only a stop gap, that the quota system The Fair Trade label ensures that the referendum to pass. With our uni’s strong I’m not denying the historical injustices will be repealed when the spectre of product you’re buying was made under humanitarian focus and our caring that women have faced. I believe in gender inequality has been exorcised. fair working conditions: no child labour, students, it should not be a problem! the glass ceiling (that it exists rather But when will that be and how are we no slave labour and a wage that can than that I support it) and I can see going to know when we get there? How create a sustainable livelihood. There’s Earning a year’s supply of good karma the argument that the boys club that can you in all good conscience claim absolutely no difference to the taste, has never before been so easy! Be a part appoints new board members of major to support the idea that women are as quality or ingredients of Fair Trade of making history at USyd and vote corporations may need a kick up the capable and entitled to serve as men and food, except that they’re a lot easier to YES at the Fair Trade referendum. All arse before it considers women fairly. at the same time advocate a policy that stomach! you have to do is rock up to one of the But not in a representative democracy denies them a mandate or a legitimate many USU polling booths on 12 May and not, for the love of sanity, at Sydney reading of their support? There’s never been a referendum like (they’ll be made painfully obvious all University. This place is filled with this at our university. If it succeeds, across campus), present your Access intelligent, educated and enlightened Female candidates can succeed on the we’ll be helping raise 65,000 people Card and you’ll be given ballot papers individuals. I refuse to believe that we, of basis of their own talents and ideas out of poverty by having the majority for both the USU board election and the all people, still languish in the prejudices and they will do so the moment we all of our food outlets stock Fair Trade referendum. Unfortunately, if you don’t of yesteryear. And if, as seems likely, stop treating them like an endangered coffee and (hopefully) chocolate. The have an Access Card, you can’t vote in at least two women are elected by the species. They don’t need to be change wouldn’t cost you a cent more; the referendum, but you can still make a popular vote, then surely the policy has ‘encouraged to run’ anymore and even it certainly hasn’t at the three other difference by voting for candidates who been proved as obsolete as a Kevin 07 if they did, expanding the mentorship Australian universities who’ve already are running on a Fair Trade platform. So t-shirt. Either way, the fact is that the program would be a far more legitimate gone Fair Trade. My cheeks are burning what are you waiting for? It’s a win-win four women running, all talented and response. with shame as I write this, but yes, La situation! Grab your Access Card, drag worthy candidates as they are, are not Trobe, RMIT and Macquarie Uni have all your friends along and go vote YES in running against the entire field, but I really don’t think I’m alone in this. something over our great university. the Fair Trade referendum! merely against each other. No more than It’s a constitutional issue, so let’s have two women will fail to gain a place; at a referendum. Let’s prove to the PC least four men will, simply as a function wets that we believe women can stand Condoms as Canvases of their biology. It’s not fair and, more on their own and that we want them Rob Chiarella looks for art in the most unlikely of places. importantly, it’s not democratic. to do so with all the legitimacy of their male counter-parts. I’m going to make a And I can’t for the life of me understand Facebook group – who’s with me? When I worked in a pharmacy, my why. Women elected under this policy favourite part of the job was selling condoms to embarrassed customers. Most of the lines we carried had fairly AA has been invoked only twice since Ironically, it could have been the explicit and striking packaging: typically its inception. A shortage of female presence of weak female candidates a black background with rich green, candidates in 2006 led to the automatic which caused women, especially Mel, purple or orange curves. The cardigan- election of both women running. The to poll so poorly. Three AA positions clad, moccasin-shod aged pensioner second time was last year, when Mel were up for grabs last year, and there had no way to hide the fact he was Brooks was elected over Michael Falk in was one clear strong female candidate purchasing the ones that came with a spite of coming ninth, while Falk came (Giorgia Rossi), two ‘medium strength’ fourth in the race. candidates (Mel Brooks and Lizzie vibrating ring. Watt), and two weaker candidates Under a quota preferential voting (Amani Frijat and Jess Priebee). Becuase As funny as this was behind the counter, system (used in USU elections), anyone the bottom two candidates were so embarrassment about protection is a who voted for Mel was essentially weak, there was less of an incentive to serious sexual health issue. Alischa Ross, They don’t call her ‘Mona’ for nothing... able to vote twice: once for Mel and vote for the strongest three candidates, CEO of Youth Empowerment Against then once for the next candidate listed as they were nearly guaranteed to be from the boastful (plain black with HIV/AIDS, notes that “three in four on their ballots after Mel had been elected. Thus a voter was more likely to ‘ERECT’ in large font) to the modest sexually active young people never carry eliminated. vote for their favourite Man(n) instead. condoms”. Accordingly, the National (the back pattern of playing cards – STI Prevention Program has launched a surely flipping it over to reveal the Jack The Union has attempted to rectify We have no way of knowing if Mel new campaign, with promotional teams of Hearts would be a good idea, no?) this problem. It has modified the vote would have been elected in her own to visit the places young people go to to the inane (‘don’t be silly, wrap your counting system so that during the right without AA, but we can speculate before a night out (hairdressers, shopping willy’). rounds of counting, the lowest polling that she would have done better. centres) and hand out condom tins (with male candidate will be eliminated if the condoms), lube and advice. The aim is The competition is at www. second highest woman is polling worst. This year is different. All the girls have to “help young people carry condoms, stidesigncompetition.net.au and entries campaigned strongly, so AA is less rather than being caught out when the close 13 May. The site includes a free But let’s be realistic: this won’t change likely to be invoked. But aren’t these need arises”. online design tool for noobs. Voting how people vote. Last year, after the kind of girls we want elected? closes 27 May and this year’s entries will analysing the ballots, it was patently AA makes women lose votes when clear that less people voted for women there are insufficient strong female As part of the campaign, they are be judged Sydney-based band Bluejuice. in their lower preferences, biasing their candidates; why should it be kept at all? running a competition to design the So get cracking – what possible preferences towards men (which is covers of the next lot of condom tins. condom-related activity could be more where their lower preferences had the Tom Clement The 266 entries received so far range fun than designing the tin? most effect). 5 OPINION Fisher Library gets a face-lift Carmen Culina stacks it. With the construction of Fisher Library changes, the planners seem keen to dating back to 1963 and the University’s preserve the existing character of the recent trend in updating student design, which won the prestigious Sir workspaces, it is little wonder Fisher is John Sulman Medal for architecture being forced to glam up and join her when it was first completed. schmick Law and SciTech counterparts. The renovations are set to begin later in While information regarding the Fisher the year and the projected finishing date Library Redevelopment Project has is 2012. Those behind the proposals are long been publicly available on the intent on addressing student feedback. Sydney University library website, Su “In the last few years the Library has Hanfling, Director of Library Services received an increasing number of for Humanities, Arts, Sciences and requests for group study spaces and Technology suggests there have been computers; the traditional quiet library considerable developments since the last study spaces are also in demand,” says Hanfling. “The SciTech Library (built Fish’n for compliments. report was posted. require an extensive review of the in 2008) was designed with group study The renovations will be extending to the Book Stacks, which joined the current collection. Space limitations will Funded by a combination of University in mind and the new 2009 Law Library Undergraduate section of the library mean low use material will be kept in resources and contributions from the provides a mix of group and individual in 1973. Students prone to boasting storage and retrieved on request. Federal Government through the Better study in different locations.” Good news about their romantic escapades in the Universities Renewal Fund and the for students frustrated by the generally dimly lit, tightly packed stacks may Although one might expect the Teaching and Learning Capital Fund, noisy state of study areas across campus. have their days numbered. “The shelves renovations to cause serious disruptions, the redevelopment will centre on the “Fisher will have a wide variety of will be reduced in height and re- library services will run throughout the core of the Undergraduate Library from zones and facilities including clearly spaced to comply with universal access project, and Hanfling maintains that the levels 1 through to 4 . designated quiet and group areas, and and occupational health and safety project stages will be carefully planned multimedia and presentation spaces, requirements,” Hanfling says. It seems to minimise impact on students and Students fond of the outdated peeling all supported by great technology”, like the days of having books thumping staff. The architects will be appointed by laminate and the friendly rattle of the Hanfling adds. on our heads as we search through next month and wide consultation will archaic Stacks air-conditioner may the dangerously narrow aisles are also be sought during planning and building. lament the proposals to revamp Fisher’s Unfortunately the current budget doesn’t extend to bringing back the limited. outdated interior. Among the less You can contribute to the make-over rooftop terrace, but there are plans exciting changes are the introduction that will shape the next chapter of to re-introduce a café, a move which While this sounds like a fairly routine of more lifts and toilets so the building this iconic building’s life. The project’s will no doubt go down better than that procedure, re-organising the extensive meets the current standards of managers are keen for your feedback third pre-deadline double cap. Those collection of the largest of the 12 USyd legislative requirements. Whilst this so send comments and suggestions perturbed by the current opening hours libraries is no small task. Fisher is the may require fairly significant structural regarding Fisher to the information and can also look forward to greater access centre of information services for Arts, feedback site: http://www.library.usyd. to library services with the introduction Education, Social Work, Business and edu.au/about/fisher-dev/. Who knows, of 24/7 facilities. Economics, and the renovations will CHORAL we might get that rooftop café after all.

Eveleigh Farmers Markets EVENSONG FACT! From 9am – 1pm Carriageworks transforms into a voluptuous, colourful If you took all the cups in the scene of fresh fruit and vegetables, flowers world and launched them into and gourmet treats of all descriptions. space, there would be no more Clasping a Toby’s Estate coffee in one cups in the world. Small bowls hand and organic restaurant Bird Cow Get out of bed. Skull water quickly. St Paul’s College Chapel would be re-appropriated as cups. Fish’s amazing $5 bircher muesli in Find the Berocca. Have that shower. The resulting shortage of small the other – there’s no better place to Brush your teeth. How much you drank bowls would create a regress until breakfast and people watch on a Saturday Tuesdays in Semester last night, how many Bruce Springsteen we had no more large vats. morning. Moreover, most stalls have songs you insisted on singing, how 5:45 pm samples so it makes a fab destination for many fellow bar patrons you informed STOPTHECUPSPACE- the impoverished student perennially The St Paul’s College Chapel Choir you were just positive you could beat LAUNCHMISSIONNOW.COM searching for a free lunch. David Drury Director of Music Bill Clinton at Scrabble – these facts are unimportant. Forget Friday night, Kirribilli Markets your greasy hair, hellish breath and Their digs under the railway tracks disagreeable and unexpected bed near Milsons Point station allow you to Open to All companion. This is Sydney and it’s hum “Under the Bridge” by the Chilli POSITION VACANT Saturday – the markets await! Ivan Head Warden Peppers as you meander down – always a plus. Kirribilli has the same buzzing, Glebe Markets thrown-together feel as Glebe, but is a Location: 9 City Road, Camperdown Nestled in the forecourt of Glebe Public little more on the expensive side. Or a lot School, these markets are a combination more. That said, its North Shore locale of established designers and labels, makes it the perfect place to stumble upon eclectic collections of vintage threads, Parmalat is seeking an energetic discarded vintage designer threads or pairs cheap funky jewellery and what can be and outgoing Casual Grocery of super-fly Italian loafers – a tantalising collectively called ‘other, less expected Sales Merchandiser (12-18 hours possibility that justifies the trek. things’ (plants, Turkish pide, Buddhist per week) who is ready to make a books and goat-leather satchels). Best to positive impact to our business in the Paddington Markets put your glad-rags on and arrive early; Sydney/CBD area. Not the best. The stalls tend to be come 11.00am the markets evolve into overpriced, uncreative and bent more to Willingness to cover city and a hectic gathering of the young and tourists and wedding registries than our surrounding area stores on foot impeccably dressed. The top right-hand student selves. Best to come back when essential. corner in particular is a treasure trove of we’re the proud parents of two, with a reasonably priced old-school glam: mesh If you have the skills and experience terrace in Bronte, a Labrador and craving handbags, ‘60s sundresses, thick ‘80s for this exciting opportunity please a sleek new set of Asian-inspired bowls. send your CV to belts and big statement earrings abound. Delightful. [email protected]. Chelsea Tabart 6 The Uni-Cycle

said she was honest about her breach because “students deserve honesty and transparency.” She said she breached the THAT'S WHAT cap by $150.

Hiltin said she had gone over by $85. She said there were so many SHE SAID international students who wanted to The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. help her campaign that she needed more shirts.

Alistair exceeded the cap by $160. Like WOULD THE FAKE TIM began issuing tweets – which he called for its contents (Regulation 17.11.1(e)). “benign”. These “benign” tweets Sibella, he explained that he wanted to SCRIVEN PLEASE STAND Polly and the anonymous tipster are included the words “Derp Derp” at outside of this regulation. be honest in reporting his expenditure, UP? several points. One of the derogatory and that he respects Ah Sam’s handling uses of ‘Derp Derp’ is to refer to The reason the Union has strict rules of the issue, saying that it’s refreshing On Anzac Day, we were alerted to someone’s limited mental capacity. preventing the dissemination of patently to see a Returning Officer making a some fairly shocking tweets from a ‘Tim false material about other candidates real effort to enforce the Regulations. Scriven’ on Twitter, complete with a He also said that his comments on the is that such information automatically At last week’s Soapbox, in response to photo of the Union Board candidate. Bored of Studies thread were supposed damages those candidates, even if their a question from Honi ed Naomi Hart Over the next few days, the tweets to be “in jest” and “anonymous.” names are subsequently cleared. (who sat on the panel), he stated that became increasingly offensive: “Anzac Scriven wasn’t Nolan’s only target. For candidates or other students to hide adherence to the spending cap was day just glorifies war criminals. Anzacs When someone accused another user such breaching of rules behind a veil of important and that he hadn’t breached should be gaoled!”, “allah ackbar jihad of being ‘anti-Sibella [Matthews]’, online anonymity is inexcusable. the cap. After he was penalised for allah!”, “I can’t wait to kick all of the Nolan responded with a highly explicit exceeding the cap, he assured us that at muslims off campus!”. One tweet made reference to Matthews. the time of the Soapbox, he had spent light of Scriven’s Asperger’s Syndrome, ACE BROWNLESS less than $700. When we pushed him and included calling the son of another No word yet on what fate awaits Nolan, on this issue, he explained that at the Twitter user a ‘retard’. although after we first spoke to him, he The last online Board phenomenon has time of the Soapbox, he had spent less

rang back to say he had contacted his been the emergence of ‘Ace Brownless’, than $700, but his expenditure plus his The real Tim Scriven had absolutely solicitor regarding the possible content a fake candidate ‘running’ as a hybrid debts (which he hadn’t included in his nothing to do with this account. of this article. of USU candidate (and current Board calculation) exceeded the cap. Speaking to him about the scandal, Director) Scott Brownless and the Ace Scriven (who is also the SRC Disability An hour after we spoke to him, the for Honi campaign that we ran last USU President Patrick Bateman and Officer), told us that he felt sorry for ‘Blastus’ account could no longer be year. As flattered as we are, we can’t Honorary Secretary Giorgia Rossi the woman and her son whom the found on the website, and all his posts help think we were chosen simply both say that they believe the cap is impersonator mocked, but that his focus had disappeared … but not before we because somebody had a stack of Ace meritorious but also problematic because was on the campaign and he didn’t want were able to take screenshots. t-shirts lying around that the Salvation it relies on candidates volunteering to be distracted by this impersonator. Army didn’t want. Nonetheless, we’ll that they have breached it. They both Admirably, other USU candidates leapt be counting how many votes ‘Ace speculate that there are candidates other to Scriven’s defence and expressed their POLLY – WHAT A CRACKER Brownless’ scores come Election Day. than Stephenson, Matthews and Guo support for his campaign. who have also spent too much but have Cyberspace has been the site of more not disclosed their full expenditure. campaign antics. Some wily Facebook On a USU election thread on They both say that raising the spending user has set up an account under the ‘boredofstudies.org’, on 28 April at SHOW ME THE MONEY cap to, say, $1000 would be a more 11:17pm (the website’s clock says ‘April pseudonym ‘Polly Board’ in order to Polly Board and her anonymous tipster realistic limit and thus invite greater 29, 12:17am’, but is an hour fast), a user anonymously analyse the election. aren’t the only ones talking about the compliance. named ‘Blastus’ wrote that he “guessed spending cap ($700) this year. In fact, the the password” to the fake Scriven In Facebook Notes, Polly said she sent USU’s Returning Officer, Ivan Ah Sam, Twitter account. He went on, “This is out an online survey to 1,500 students contacted all the candidates via email WASHING THEIR MOUTHS fun. Don’t tell him that I own it. This is and received 69 responses. It remains last week and requested they each submit great…Let’s destroy this campaign from unclear how Polly got the email OUT WITH SOAP lists of their expenses to him by 5pm on the inside.” On 30 April, ‘Blastus’ wrote addresses of so many students. She Saturday 8 May. “that Masserani [sic] guy threatened has tagged a diverse range of students Hundreds of students flocked to me on facebook over scrivengate. ‘YOU in the various Notes which has made it Manning Bar last Wednesday lunch to Ah Sam’s email reminded students that WON’T GO TO ANY UNIVERSITY’. difficult to determine her actual ‘friend see the USU candidates strut their stuff the USU Regs require candidates to hahahahah what’s he going to do, call base.’ Polly’s polls (and ‘her’ real identity) in the Candidates’ Soapbox. Candidates act honestly and that breaches of the the Human Rights Brigade on me for were the talk of the candidates last week, delivered a two-minute spiel, then spending cap may not necessarily result hacking a dude’s twitter account and and she revealed some interesting, if answered one question from the panel in automatic disqualification. He also then posting utterly innocuous shit.” mathematically dubious, insights into (comprising Honi ed Naomi Hart and exhorted candidates not to use online the profiles and levels of support of the Bull ed Daniel Swain), one from the fora to speculate about breaches of the On 1 May, Dan Nolan, a UNSW various candidates. audience, and one from Union President Regulations, highlighting the claims student, sent Honi an email, saying, “in Patrick Bateman. Some candidates were made by anonymous tipsters as being the past week, I received [a] facebook Polly got a bit of egg on her face last questioned on their spending and on particularly unfair. message from Union Candidate Patrick Friday when she published a Note their affiliations with student political Massarani that threatened me with suggesting one candidate had breached factions. Some other highlights were: In submitting their receipts to Ivan, three expulsion from the university (“you the campaign-spending limit. Polly’s tip Hart asked Pat Massarani whether candidates admitted they’d exceeded • won’t be at anyone’s University”) and came from an anonymous source, but he opposed VSU. His reply: “On the spending limit: Alistair Stephenson, to “Go and fuck yourself ” due to a her followers were unhappy that the the issue of VSU, I’m neutral. I just Sibella Matthews and Hiltin Guo. As a miscommunication about my potentially pollster had turned gossip-trader, forcing think that students should be able penalty, Stephenson and Matthews are having done something to Tim Scriven’s Polly to publish an apology. to decide for themselves.” That is, forbidden from campaigning until 2pm facebook (A patently absurd and entirely Massarani is agnostic on the issue of Tuesday 11 May, and Guo is not allowed baseless assertion).” The letter did not We think all this anonymity is cowardly whether Union membership should to campaign until 3pm Monday 10 May. mention the fake Twitter account. and unaccountable. Polly Board hasn’t be voluntary, he just thinks it should All three are also required to hand some revealed her real identity: she’s not be voluntary. of their shirts over to Ah Sam, who When we contacted Nolan and willing to put her real name next to her Swain asked James Flynn made clear that other candidates would • presented him with this evidence, he commentary, and nobody knows whether still be free to pursue action against whether his policy of increasing admitted that he was ‘Blastus’, but said she has loyalties to anyone in the race. them with the Electoral Arbiter, should USU funding for religious clubs he had never ‘hacked’ Tim’s Facebook The Union prohibits candidates and they so desire. Furthermore Stephenson, extended to clubs which propound account, but was involved in the fake campaigners from distributing any Matthews and Guo will all display a homophobic and misogynistic Twitter account. He says he did not publication that in any way comments apologies on their Facebook groups. message. Flynn stated strongly that start the fake account, but when he on the election unless it bears the name such views were antithetical to his became aware of it, he guessed the and SID/ACCESS number of the Talking with Honi, Sibella said the own views, but clubs who support password (‘password’), changed it and Union member who take responsibility punishment was “tough but fair” and them must deal with those issues The Usual Suspects 7

of-charge? Then all you need to do is if not by the candidate personally. Such some work gets duplicated or, more ‘internally’ and should not be cut get 5 people to vote for Pat tomorrow incentives will be considered gifts.” This problematically, overlooked. She also out of the USU community. at Manning. If you can get 5 people, means that Massarani will be required says that a three-person Executive will • During his two-minute spiel, Peter you get a six-pack of beer. If you are to provide receipts for every bottle of have to work harder to garner support Hong walked out from behind in the top 5 vote-getters, a four-pack of alcohol given to his campaigners. Jack and votes of other Board members in the lectern to exhort the crowd to Jack Daniels in addition to your beer.” Daniel’s is pretty pricey. order to pass controversial motions. support him and the Union he loves. Massarani has been running a fairly low- • Tim Scriven told the crowd that he profile campaign and it certainly seems Word has it that Mel Brooks (Peter USU President Patrick Bateman says simply could not explain his policies like he might be able to spend a portion Hong’s campaign manager) and Tim that he’s not yet convinced about the in two minutes. Upon further of his budget on alcohol. He also says Scriven are both interested in pursuing merits of abolishing the Hon Sec questioning, he reluctantly explained the ‘fResh’ are “require[d] to drop by this further with the Electoral Legal position, and that it may be more that he wished to bring back Queer [Massarani’s stall at Manning] and spend Arbiter. appropriate to simply define the role Forum. some time promoting for the college more clearly so that there is less overlap • Tom Robson thought the capital candidate”, with a “list” being taken. with the Vice-President role. of Saudi Arabia was Dubai. He HON SEC TO GO? recovered from this embarrassment Giorgia Rossi, current USU Honorary In the past, candidates from college The Board unanimously voted in favour by jokingly conceding that he had Secretary, has proposed that this position have used alcohol as an incentive for of putting the question to the members probably lost the Saudi vote. be removed from the USU Constitution. campaigners but this is the first time we at a Special General Meeting, to be held • Sibella Matthews revealed that if Giorgia acknowledges the historical can recall that ‘documented proof ’ has immediately after the Annual General she’s elected, she’ll be voting for significance of the role and that cutting evidenced this. Meeting, on Wednesday 19 May. Two- Giorgia Rossi for Union President the USU Executive down to only three thirds of members at the SGM must vote because Rossi has helped on her members (President, Vice-President We invited Massarani to comment in favour of the proposal for it to pass. campaign, is a close friend, and “is and Honorary Treasurer) would mean on this strategy. He stated, “The the best person for the job”. that there was little capacity for any Returning Officer has made it clear In the meantime, Giorgia is required members to slack off, creating difficulties to all candidates that my actions were to consult with former Hon Secs to get if one of them has exams or is overseas. perfectly acceptable.” This wasn’t quite their input on the proposal. NO BULL FROM SWAIN But she says that the role has become the story we got from other candidates. redundant. Historically, under the USU Also at the candidates’ Soapbox, USU Ah Sam (the Returning Officer) has Constitution, the Hon Sec has been HERMES RESURRECTED candidates Deb White and Vivienne sent all the candidates an email with an primarily responsible for overseeing Australia’s oldest literary journal is Moxham-Hall were asked how they interpretation of the Union Regulation publications and forums/convenors. officially going ahead this year. The would resolve conflicts of interest relating to bribery (17.11.1(l)): “that Now that The Bull is monthly rather Union held a Working Party to discuss between what they thought was best it only applies to payment or favour than weekly, and the Union Recorder is the publication last week, and have for students and how their caucuses giving to other candidates, voters qua no longer published, the publications already received eight applications for (Unity – Labor Right, and NLS – Labor voters, and election officials.” Under role has all but disappeared. Forums editors. Left, respectively) instructed them to this interpretation (which candidates and convenors are now supervised vote. Both assured the crowd that their may dispute before the Electoral Legal under a separate program. The ad hoc Naomi Hart and David Mack caucuses do not interfere with their Arbiter), offering incentives to people roles which Rossi says she has taken up decision-making, and that they would bringing voters to the polls probably does this year, such as overseeing the Verge always vote in students’ interests. not amount to bribery. Festival and appointing all the student FACT! editors, convenors and directors, could Elly Howse, SRC President and NLS Ah Sam made it clear, however, that easily be performed by other Board A single ant alone has the member, missed the Soapbox but “any spending on incentive schemes will Directors. At the moment, she says, the lifting capabilities of a subsequently posted on Facebook, “And be included in the cap. This includes any distinction between the Vice-President thousand ants. wtf is with everyone’s obsession with incentives provided to campaigners, even NLS? Get over it, people, we’re not and Hon Sec roles is ambiguous, so that interesting. Please get lives outside of this university.” This seemed a tad BULLSHIT TACTICS FOR TRYING TO WIN ironic coming from the SRC President. ARGUMENTS Ben Jenkins In a subsequent post, she added that COUNTDOWN Viv should be judged according to her Invoke the Nazis “policies, personality and passion” rather 5 To be clear, no one is denying that the Nazis were very bad, so let’s take that as a given. What’s in dispute here than her “campaign team”. is exactly how Hermann Göring relates to your argument about bulimia. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do, just lean back with a look of horror on your face and say “You know who you sound like, right?”, then if they don’t Daniel Swain, Bull editor and Soapbox get it you can goose-step around the place until they do. panelist, replied that party membership is a characteristic that students care about when casting their ballots. His Ride the Slippery Slope erudite reply to Elly was that the point 4 Arguing against a reasonable proposition is annoying, tiring work. You need to grapple with subtleties and of the Soapbox question wasn’t to nuance, ultimately forming a well thought-out position. Alternatively, you can just take what the other person said demonise NLS, but to understand Viv’s to it’s most ridiculous extreme. This is called a Slippery Slope argument. Try this: “Sure, supporting gay marriage relationship with it more fully. He is all well and good, but where does it end?! What’s next? Someone could be allowed to marry his own cat! Is that wrote, “If we don’t understand you, what you support, cat fucker?” enlighten us. Just don’t treat people contemptuously for asking the question. Shout a Whole Bunch … My point isn’t that x, y and z about 3 NLS are objectively bad. Just that they It’s no coincidence that the image chosen for this is that of a screaming, immature child (unless it’s not, in are not beyond scrutiny in a public which case these things need to be sub-edited more thoroughly in order to avoid this kind of embarrassment). It is generally accepted that the quality of an argument is inversely proportional to how loudly it’s delivered. Shouting in forum when people are running for an argument is the rhetorical equivalent of using a thick pen in an exam in an attempt to get your point across. leadership positions under an NLS banner.” Use Your iPhone 2 POSTMAN PAT DELIVERS SOME MAIL Yeah, we get it: you can prove that you’re right instantly because you have one of them fancy magic rectangles. And while we admit that this isn’t really a bullshit tactic, you have to agree that it sucks the fun right out of a lively Tim Scriven was leafleting Paul’s college debate. Gone are the days of arguing well into the night, full of mirth and friendly competition; welcome to the age last week when he stumbled across an of “Yep, it was Cuba. Says right there. See? Cuba.” Woot. interesting piece of paper which he handed over to us. Complete with Union Cry candidate Pat Massarani’s ‘Postman Pat 1 for USU’ logo at the top of the letter This is an entirely unfair but utterly fail-safe tactic for winning arguments. However, let it be known that unless you and addressed to ‘fResh’ (i.e. ‘fresher are arguing about the relative effectiveness of two brands of mace, crying is never an option to be proud of. college kids’), it begins, “Do you want Jack Daniels and Beer at your door tomorrow afternoon, completely free- 8 The Usual Suspects

sized collars reached the waists of the STUFF USYD Australian Fashion models). Unfortunately, Ward-Fear made STUDENTS LIKE the mistake of putting his models in the Week most gargantuan wedges of the week, and #219 QUEUEING According to Matthew Bishop’s Economics: Anusha Rutnam got déjà vu at RAFW. with (I shit you not) no fewer than five An A-Z Guide, queueing is a sign that It must be a glitch in the mainframe. models taking a tumble, it was difficult to concentrate on the clothes themselves. a price is “set too low, so that demand In 1998 the newly appointed editor exceeds supply”. I beg to differ. Queueing of Vogue Australia, Marion Hume, gave The most significant colour palette to is neither evidence of market failure nor Mercedes Australian Fashion Week the emerge was one of autumnal browns, an indictment of the so-called ‘I want it kind of kick in the pants rarely seen in blush pinks and delicate, soft-touch now’ mentality of Gen Y. Rather, it is a rag trade journalism. At the top of her hit pastels, used most successfully at Arnsdoff, movement aimed at fostering community list was a group of local designers who in Gary Bigeni and Jayson Brunsdon. – a radical backlash against the her view had taken the phrase ‘imitation Certainly the looks were reminiscent individualism of a fractured, neo-liberalist is the sincerest form flattery’ a little too of the Chloé Fall 2010 collection, but post-modern society. What else explains seriously. Tearing these creative types the antipodean presentation of these the phenomenon of USyd students a new button-hole, she even provided colours was more crisp than the musky standing for hours outside the Co-Op side-by-side photos of the originals and 1970s boudoir evoked in the Paris label’s bookshop in Week 1 of semester, instead their Australian versions, in a rather collection. of coming in the week before? Queueing confronting game of spot-the-difference. is a grassroots way for USyd students Read any coverage of this or older Saint Augustine Academy. to get to know their fellow man whilst One shudders to think of what barbs she Australian Fashion Weeks and there standing in the pelting rain without an some fashonistas might find it. Indeed, would have unleashed on Camilla and often seems to be an undercurrent of umbrella. In its purest form, queueing is a Sydney label Saint Augustine Academy Marc’s offering at last year’s Rosemount doubt – what is Australian fashion? Is that noble venture and not merely an inability took things a step further, with their Australian Fashion Week (RAFW), which very phrase an oxymoron, as one (mean) to use the ‘order, pre-pay and entire collection acting as a promotion to many appeared to be a blatant re-hash British critic once wrote? I don’t think so. pick up’ function on the copy of Parisian label Balmain’s collection for the TV series True Blood (gift bags centre website. included a ‘V’ vampire blood key ring- from the season before. Yes, things can get ugly fugly when a awesome). Fortunately the relationship #98 COMMUNAL designer tries too hard to push a patriotic was mutually beneficial, with the label TEXTBOOKS This is the 15th year of Australian aesthetic and Australian turns into presenting a collection that began with You know that feeling Fashion Week and while it has come a Australiana. One couldn’t help but cringe garments imbued with a feeling of the when you open a library textbook (one long way, comparisons to international at the sight of the (non-attributable, I’m Southern Gothic via 1970s Gunne Sax of 20 on your ‘essential reading list’), collections are still inevitable. sure) aboriginal-painting printed bikinis romanticism – these looks made the True and stare at the pages and pages of size at Lisa Blue. Sadly as a fashion print, Blood endorsement seem entirely fitting eight font, starting to panic about which Echoes of Balenciaga’s Fall 2007 tribal the look has been irreparably tainted aesthetic were felt in several collections rather than hammy. paragraphs are really important and by the tacky wares sold in tourist shops which you can skim over? The panacea is though it was at Kirrily Johnston that the throughout Sydney’s CBD. Conversely, At times the attendees were the most the Communal Textbook, which has all similarities became a little overwhelming. Karla Spetic presented several exciting sight, with fashionable lovelies the book’s essential teachings highlighted In a similar vein, the fearful symmetry garments with screen-printed images flocking to the harbour in hoards. in texta by students of yore who were of Alexander McQueen’s Spring 2010 of recognisable Australian landscapes, Unsurprisingly there was more black forced to write the same ‘critical response’ patterns was clearly an inspiration at for example a rabbit-proof fence, which than you could poke a stick at. Heels too as you. The salvation of USyd students, both Romance Was Born and Dion were beautiful and even moving in their were still ridiculously high though I’m and the scourge of USyd librarians, the Lee, though it was the latter’s delicate familiarity. This was the kind of design impressed to say I didn’t see any stumbles Communal Textbook is about collectivism Rorschach-esque blots that really stood that made you believe ‘there’s no place outside of the catwalk. Perhaps most and about passing on shared wisdom and out as an original interpretation of a pre- like home’. existing idea. disappointing was the dominance of teachings for the good of mankind and foreign labels on the backs of front-row your Weighted Average Mark. And what Australian Fashion Week was the first VIPs. Local designers’ offerings at this happens in the rare case that you read the Miu Miu’s button-up shirt collar was on the global circuit to have a sponsor’s year’s Fashion Week have proven that, entire chapter and find some new gem everywhere, though interestingly enough, name feature in the title of the event. while sometimes a little derivative, our that will benefit later students? Just do the it was a TAFE designer, Elliot Ward-Fear, Such business partnerships are clearly mob produce some very beautiful and Hayley Joel Osment and pay it forward who presented one of the most innovative a matter of necessity for our relatively interesting clothes. So wear them, you with a fluoro pink highlighter... although takes on the look (the points of his super- small clothing industry, however gauche skinny bitches. perhaps not in the rare book library. Maybe.

GODIS GULA SNÖRDEN KÖTTBULLAR + GRÄDDSÅS + #417 CONVERSATIONS These toffee-flavoured candy laces look SYLT LINGON ROAD TEST Meatballs, cream sauce and lingonberry WITH BIG WORDS like a type of bendable hollow spaghetti. ABOUT NOTHING Despite the artificial taste, the novelty of jam; a self-assembled Swedish feast Conversations with Big Words About IKEA FOOD this stringy sweet will ensure someone will feeding five for $14.95. Though I’m Nothing (CWBWANs) consist of big, Carmen Culina enters the world of $1 finish the packet in spite of themselves. usually reluctant to try anything remotely important words like ‘commercialisation’, Viking hotdogs. Unsatisfactory and moreish at the same resembling chutney with meat, the jam made this combo mighty fine. Although ‘globalisation’ and ‘bourgeoisie’, but For many, food is an integral part of the time. they are slightly firmer than their don’t actually discuss anything at all. IKEA experience. While the restaurant For a CWBWAN virgin, you may feel FLÄDERSAFT italian counterparts, these meatballs are brims with customers, for some reason overwhelmed during your first time, Wild elderberry flower juice is less remarkably free of rubbishy additives and the little grocery store past the check-outs struggling to keep up with the cracking pleasant to drink than the name might were quick and easy to prepare. Very tasty doesn’t get nearly as much love. Since dialogue and terrified that if you do suggest. It tasted like a mildly pretty indeed. nearly everything else in my kitchen contribute, someone will ask you to comes from the Scandinavian megastore, version of alcohol-free white goon SALT SILL explain what you actually mean. Don’t it seemed only fitting to give the ‘taste of combined with an old man’s aftershave. Salty liquorice. Predictably vile. It was worry, nobody will – they don’t know what Sweden’ a try and let it line my pantry as they’re talking about either! After all, the SYLT HJORTRON forcefully ejected out of my mouth and well. point of a CWBWAN isn’t intellectual Not only does cloudberry jam suggest a into my hand seconds after offending debate or discussion: it’s just a chance to spreadable combination of two of my my taste buds, leaving me awkwardly KNÄCKEBRÖD RÅG assert your intellectual dominance and most favourite things, it is really sublime. clutching a slimy black globule in the Rivalled only by sawdust in flavour and demonstrate that the crippling HECS- These berries are considered to be a rare shape of a fish. Offer this to someone you nutrition, these large wholegrain rye HELP debt is worth it. Just nod your head, delicacy, and according to The Oxford do not like in a polite setting. crispbread biscuits taste and look like agree when appropriate and answer big Companion to Food, they have long incensed something I would feed a parrot. Aptly words with even longer words. In fact, if the otherwise peaceful Scandinavians KOLSYRAD PÄRONDRYCK described by a co-editor as the result you’re having a CWBWAN in a sociology, into ‘cloudberry wars’ when it comes to A wonderfully refreshing fizzy pear drink of compacting the crumbs scraped off philosophy or a global politics class, harvest time. It is not hard to see why similar in taste to other fruit and pear hundreds of slices of burnt toast, this you’ve just earned yourself the 20 per cent the Swedes loose their shit; these honey ciders (‘perry’ anyone?) minus the alcohol. ‘biscuit’ will leave your mouth feeling tutorial participation mark. Well done! flavoured berries are exquisite. Especially A dozen of these and your trip to IKEA desiccated. Kat de Jong yummy with butter on toast. has been well worth its while. 9

the other guy also went home and wrote STOP SAYING THAT a song about the selfish inaction of the slightly worse it’s a contributing factor to YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF famous pop star. tinnitus. What you say: “You IN THE AIR all up in know that song, ‘In TONIGHT But let’s assume that Collins was too far More than mere noise pollution, the The Air Tonight’, by away to save the man, or tied to a tree, devilry of the laptop pit-pat shows the Phil Collins? Yeah, that’s about when Phil or maybe just not wearing the right kind my grill: acoustics of education in regression. After Collins saw this guy, who was not saving of shoes. The question remains, how the enduring centuries of the physiologically this other guy from drowning at a beach. hell did Collins find the man years later Laptops in repulsive grate of chalk on slate and the And so Phil Collins wrote that song, and and invite him to a concert? Presumably, vociferous scratch of quill on manuscript, then invited that guy to the concert and he somehow got the man’s name, and lectures the endearing combination of biro and then threw a spotlight on him, shaming given that Collins and he were the only loose-leaf established a new watermark him in front of everyone!” two people on the beach that day, it seems Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter- in terms of a student’s aural experience. that the only logical explanation is that Patter, PITTER-PATTER, PITTER- If only that more had been indelible, for Why you say it: You may have heard it Collins introduced himself to the man, and PATTER… Apologies to all the now lecture theatres resemble Medieval in Stan, the popular rap song by Eminem. gained his trust in order to publicly shame hydrophobia-sufferers and rain-haters out dungeons, the netbook-wielding torture- Even if you haven’t, it’s not difficult to see him years later. But why did he not just there, because the onomatopoeic opening masters inflicting terrible punishment on why this myth is so enduring. Aside from confront him then? Does Collins only dish sentence of this article does not intend to their ink-splattered prisnoners. being about Phil Collins, it’s also about out social justice in song form? Probably. evoke the potentially terrifying sound of Phil Collins being an awesome crime- droplet on roof. I wish instead to bring to What’s more, the offending machines fighter, making it one of the greatest party- But even this plan of public shaming in mind a far more unnatural, annoying and are expensive and almost entirely useless facts available to anyone anywhere. itself is hugely problematic. Have you ever insidious noise, impervious to the vagaries outside a lecture. At about 400 dollars a listened to that song? How on earth was of meteorology and one which any self- pop and with a processor too slow, screen Why it’s wrong: The only problem this man, who was just happy, if a little respecting uni student struggles to escape: too small, and functions too limited to with the story is that it is almost entirely confused, to be at a Phil Collins concert the sound of laptops in lecture theatres. do anything interesting, the netbook is handcrafted out of pure, unadulterated supposed to understand the message of the yappy Chihuahua of the computing bullshit. the song? It has to be conceded that it Before I continue, I wish to make it clear world. Normal laptops aren’t much would be reasonably difficult to convey that I’m no technophobe. I was as quick better in my opinion. Once you get over In fairness, two things in the story are true. “Aha! Remember me? I met you on that to smash my brand new iPad in some the four-finger mouse gimmicks and the First, Phil Collins is a singer, and secondly, beach several years ago and though you oddly reverential act of rebellion as the endless portability of your new MacBook he wrote and sang a song called ‘In The didn’t know it at the time when we were next rich Californian teen, and I love Pro, you will realize that the mouse is at Air Tonight’. He also may have been to swapping email addresses, I witnessed you 1080 p as much as any snowboarding- least fifteen times worse than the vaguely a beach before, although we don’t know letting a man drown and now I have come obsessed armchair enthusiast. However, rodent shaped operation and you have to for certain. The biggest problem with the to shame you with this spotlight, which, my storage capacity for techno-love would lug half-a-kilo of Jobs’ finest everywhere. account is not so much that Collins has to be clear, is a spotlight of shame, not a breach the terabyte if only the boffins denied it on numerous occasions, which he spotlight of glory, as all other spotlights could invent something to eradicate the Maybe I’m just jealous of people with has; it’s that it just doesn’t make sense. are!” from the wantonly cryptic lyrics of aural result of finger on key. I suppose laptops. While the rest of my Year 8 “In The Air Tonight”. in isolation it’s not that bad. And for the class were driving racecars and skydiving If Collins saw someone not save someone majority of a lecture, the sound of 120 on Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, my else from drowning, assuming it was Why you need to stop saying it: To people sporadically typing is like watching equally white friend and I were always not through a telescope or from inside a be honest, you don’t really. It’s just Phil the Matty Johns Show at your uncle’s: not engaged in fierce text-based rap-battles cage, then it stands to reason that Collins Collins, knock yourself out. quite tolerable, but you have to do it over MSN. So while I do have a small but himself also failed to save the drowning anyway. It is when the lecturer deigns to loyal following in the online freestyling man. Using this logic, it’s possible that Ben Jenkins say something important that things turn community, I’m only able to two-finger from Matty Johns to Transformers 2 and the type and I wouldn’t want to inflict that on noise rises to a tuneless, mind-numbing anyone in a lecture. Anways, if the pen crescendo as the masses furiously commit is mightier than the sword, it’s certainly Shit Talk the sparkling drops of wisdom to virtual mightier than the Pentium. memory. At best it’s unbearable. At Joe Smith-Davies

BRITISH ELECTION

In case you’ve been living under a rock, an election happened in the UK. Who won? Unimportant (also, as of Sunday, when I’m writing, we don’t really know). moment. Rather than representing a big Why mess about with the big picture shift in opinions, it’s probably more to when you can up the ante with some do with Robertson’s wife’s affair with a obscure stories? teenage boy.

More compelling than the result is And if you’re on a roll in your newfound the forgotten story of election day. guise as an amateur psephologist, you Nigel Farage, a member of the UK could point out that although the Tories Independence Party, who famously made big gains they didn’t get their abused the President of the European “Portillo moment”. In Labour’s 1997 Union and the people of Belgium in the landslide victory Michael Portillo, then a EU Parliament, was in a plane crash. Cabinet minister in the Tory government, The cause? The propeller of his light lost his seat: a symbol of the embarrassing aircraft was fouled in a campaign banner scale of the defeat. The Tories expected flying from the plane. Keen observers the scalp of Ed Balls, the Schools noted that campaigning on election day is Secretary, but he managed to hang on in fact illegal. by 1,000 votes. The speculation over Ed Balls did give Portillo a brief moment If you want to show off your knowledge of renewed fame. He observed in an of Northern Ireland, point to the surprise article for The Guardian last week that ‘my victory of Alliance Party candidate name is now synonymous with eating a Naomi Long in Belfast East, a Protestant bucketload of shit in public’. stronghold, over Ulster Unionist Party leader Peter Robinson. The victory of Tim Mooney a candidate seeking to represent both Gents, Lower Level Carslaw Protestants and Catholics is an important EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL 10 The Arts Hole WE LOVE [OUR OWN] SOUNDS GETTING UNDER THE FRET BOARDS OF SYDNEY UNI'S MUSICAL TALENT Hark! We hear some damn fine tunes coming from the grounds and it’s time for a celebration of our own studious artists. We intended to stay on those musicians who are still battling their way through Arts degrees and Psych majors; that is, those who are hitting the books during the day and the stage at night. Current students and current performers. But Dappled Cities are graduates you say? Shush your critical faces, we made an exception. USyd has a pretty talented bunch of musos and though it’s too bad Macquarie Uni will always have one up on us (they can claim The Wiggles), we’ve got plenty to be proud of. THE HONOUR ROLL: The Vines, The Whitlams, Youth Group, Josh Pyke, Cloud Control, Dappled Cities, The Domestics, Kyü, We Say Bamboulée, super FLORENCE jam, Fuji Collective, sleepmakeswaves, Made In Japan, Megastick Fanfare, The Laurels, Emma Davis, Guineafowl, WIM, We Like Cats, The Jezabels, Seekae, The Politiks, Front End Loader, redsunband, Frenzal Rhomb

“The comp provides a no-risk scenario for bands, which is a key part of its Citizen: WE importance. There’s also no risk of having LIKE CATS, WIM, CLOUD CONTROL to pay back the bar if the gig goes badly – GUINEAFOWL something up-and-coming bands dread.” Joe Payten has his head in the clouds. It is the year 3010. Sydney’s streets are in peril. Cloud Control has a lot to thank Sydney’s The world is f*%#ked! But one safe haven Supporting Vampire Weekend, releasing project, it was difficult, but we loved it. music community for, with venues like remains – a group of survivors hiding out in an their debut album this month, playing Spontaneity in collaboration is a beautiful Mum Bar providing a great entry level abandoned nightclub… a last natural oasis. Splendour; it’s been a meteoric rise thing.” point for the band and other emerging for Cloud Control from their humble acts to play new material in a low-risk So reads the enigmatic Facebook invite beginnings in the USU Band Comp. The record captures the distinctive sound environment. Taking that next step to to CITIZEN, a six-week long residency of the band, one that is informed by a launching an EP and headlining a show curated by Sydney based five-piece WIM. “The band comp is entirely responsible wide range of music. “We all listen to in Sydney, however, is not as easy as Last Thursday, I attended the opening for our formation,” says Heidi Lenffer, different kinds of music, but we also they’ve made it look. “It becomes quite on level four of the Kings Cross Hotel. keys and vocals for the Glenbrook band. have common interests. A strong melody, hard in the middle ground [for a lot of Access is via a scummy alleyway in “Uni is the time to throw yourself into beautiful harmonies and layers that create bands],” says Heidi. “To fill a place like Brougham Lane. The long ascent up a crazy experiences. I saw the band comp experience are important to all of us.” the Annandale requires a lot of work. fire escape and the scattering of plastic and thought, ‘Man, that would be fun,’ so Whilst the influences on their music are The Houptoun had a great setup, it was rats taped to railing and randomly placed I entered without a band, then roped in easy to spot, they’re also very disparate. the right size for a band to launch an EP, police lights builds up anticipation for my brother as drummer, who then got his The synthesis of these sounds with the whereas the Annandale can look really what lies ahead. The space lives up to the best friend from school to play as well.” band’s strong pop sensibilities is what empty. Melbourne probably has more description of an ‘oasis’: walls and ceiling Whilst they didn’t win first time around, makes them unique, and the lead single venues that provide stages for emerging are carpeted in plastic foliage interspersed something about their sound “just from the album, “Gold Canary”, is a bands.” with fairy lights, velvet, vines and flowers, clicked”. And the rest is history. Fleet Foxes-via-The Go-Betweens pop exuding a comfortably kooky ambience. gem. But despite this, the band are strong Their first EP was released in 2007, believers in Sydney’s potential as a First up was We Like Cats, a Sydney prog- but the band took time out in 2009 to But a unique sound will only take you so musical creative hub. “Sydney has a good rock outfit. The four members wielded produce their first full length record, Bliss far, and Heidi hasn’t forgotten their days strong social angle, and there are lots of their considerable instrumental talents to Release, which Heidi says was a trying as a fledgling band and the importance people willing to go and see music.” At create smooth spells of sound interspersed time. “We recorded it at a friend’s house of Sydney Uni’s Band Comp in helping least as long as bands like Cloud Control with innovative rhythmic moderations. in Glenbrook, and like any joint creative to get Cloud Control off the ground. are playing. Second act Guineafowl lightened the mood with their bright, poppy beats, channeling a Brit-pop inspired prep Domestics’ experience ranges from the opportunity to play at somewhere that got toes tapping and pulses rising in THE DOMESTICS upbeat big band tracks that are heavy on like Manning Bar, or just around uni anticipation for the headliners. The Domestics are a band that the brass, to moody pop/jazz numbers but not being part of a competition, so understand the plight of the impoverished that make you want to be in an seedy, there’s not that pressure to compete with Although We Like Cats and Guineafowl uni student. “Being twenty, it ain’t easy, underground jazz club, swilling scotch other bands, just a celebration of up-and- gave captivating performances charged and the bank, it takes my money,” croons and smoking cigars with the mafia. “Our coming bands would be great,” says Will. with conviction, it was curators WIM singer Wil Eastly. I sat down and talked sound is high energy, funky, rock, pop, “I think that competitions can sometimes who undeniably stole the show. Their music, uni and the importance of dance ska,” Max explains. “It really does just cause divisions, rather than celebrating folk-inspired sound is pure honey magic, troupes with Wil and alto sax and keys start with one person coming up with an different genres. I guess just more music concocted through perfect harmonies, player Max Dalton. idea, and that idea always leads towards around campus would be nice.” contemporary pop lacings, and an something more slotted in a particular echoing beat which rises through the Formed in 2007 after a performance in genre, but the end product is not really The band have enjoyed a steady upwards layers of sound. The smoothness of their their last year at Newtown High School classifiable.” trajectory since 2007, gracing the stages touch had the crowd alternately swooning of Performing Arts, the band began of several festivals and live music venues and shaking, an energy encouraged by the jamming and started writing original With indie rock and electro seriously around Sydney. With a shiny EP released interactive antics of lead singer, Martin. songs in 2008. “Our first gig was at the dominating the iPod playlists of uni in March and three of their tracks on Each of the band members looked totally Newtown festival in 2007, on the kids’ students, The Domestics are forging a the Triple J Unearthed Charts, it seems at home among the leaves and lights, stage, which was rad. We followed this niche of their own; so what is it like to be everything is coming up Milhouse for adorned with glitter, glowsticks and contemporary dance troupe which was on in a band that offers a truly alternative the lovely guys in this outfit. Where feathers. a sofa,” Wil recalls. music experience? “I guess we don’t fit does one go from here? “We’re going to in with the indie trend,” muses Will, “we start getting a new set together,” Max Indeed, WIM seemed intent on “Which has happened again since, always play with indie bands and we don’t explains. “We’re getting a lot of gigs at emphasising that they succeeded in when we followed that contemporary have a problem with that kind of music, the moment and we’ve kind of done our creating an alternate world. At one point Vietnamese dance studio at the Surry we just don’t fit in really well with that old set to death and recorded it, so it’s a random member of the crowd handed GIGITY Hills festival,” says Max. genre”. Max adds, “the reaction is always time for something new. I guess generally me plastic coins which could be traded interesting to our live shows though. speaking, what we’re aiming for at the for bubbles and glowsticks, accompanied “I think now it’s sort of an element of People are often like, ‘Oh, hello, strange moment is more gigs, better gigs, find our by the words, ‘we have our own currency our music, that we have to follow dance creature,’ and don’t quite know what to place, find our sound, and start building here.’ Engulfed in smatterings of coloured numbers,” jokes Will. make of us.” up a more solid fan base.” light, an interactive band and an exultant crowd, I almost couldn’t help but believe Consisting of seven musicians with a Fighting the asymmetrical-hairstyle- And with a game plan like that, The them. comically diverse range of influences sporting, skinny-jeans-wearing indie Domestics will undoubtedly soon become (we’re talking jazz to marching band), trend at university is always going to be a a household name. (Get it? See what I did Claim your citizen status at the Kings anyone who listens to the band will challenge, and as a result the band seems there?) Cross Hotel, every Thursday night for the immediately realise they are dealing to advocate a more celebratory, accepting next five weeks, 8:30pm. with seriously skilled musicians. The musical culture around campus. “Having Jess Stirling Jacinta Mulders EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL SPECIAL 11

Bridie Connellan chats WE LOVE [OUR OWN] SOUNDS dappled cities with Tim Derricourt the jezabels Hailing from as With all this talk of student multitaskers GETTING UNDER THE FRET BOARDS OF SYDNEY UNI'S MUSICAL TALENT Sydney Uni Band Comp. I think we lost far as Byron Bay juggling stage and studies, it’s about time to that guy that wrote “free tha refugees” and California, we got a word in from some alumni. on his hand on Big Brother. the Jezabels Cheeky, jetsetting, catchy alumni. Five- generate the piece indie darlings Dappled Cities have Bummer, but I think you guys are a little better kind of uplifting been around the tracks since they were off. Having made music together since high school, and ethereal, Periwinkle at Sydney Grammar School have you noticed a change in the way you work as classically-based, in 1997 (bless!) and with the release a group? drum-driven indie of their third album offering, Zounds, Yeah. We used to be all uptight about pop that fuses the sonics of Arcade Fire they’re showing no signs of slowing making tunes but now we’re older and Considering your roots, do you think Sydney has a and The Temper Trap with the vocals of down. Runners-up in the 2001 USU more relaxed. We now generally write particular vibe as a creative hub? Katy Steele or Sarah Blasko. Beautifully Band Comp, these Sydney Uni kids have music on the various yacht parties we are It’s pretty varied I guess. There is no infectious, really. The four-piece are graduated in style with apparently the attending around the world and email scene like you have in Melbourne traversing around the country in support only song they still play from their days each one’s parts to the others and finish but more disparate small scenes that of Tegan & Sara’s Australian tour, a on campus being “Peach”, their very it off when we all get together for our occasionally interact. That said, we are coveted spot they also scored last time first single. From the streets of London Swedish sauna week. always inspired by new bands that pop up the Canadian duo hit our shores in 2009. town, Honi managed to nab guitarist Tim about the place. “When you try and think about all the Derricourt for a speedy cup of Earl Grey Quite a life for once-struggling students! Well, shows we’ve done, they just kind of merge as the group scoots around the UK before back on our shores you’re curating an art Besides your Winter Tour for 2010, what’s next into one weird pinky snake of happiness their Australian tour in June. Bring us exhibition when you return in June. Would you for Dappled Cities? and disappointment,” says drummer Nick back a scone. mind explaining the ideas behind this, and why We are launching an incredible live Kaloper. you think your music matches art? DVD which is a recording we made of Well hey, what’s shakin’ in the UK? We commissioned 24 artists to create us recreating our entire album Zounds With two EPs and a large reception for Loads: pathetic games of football, wild a work of art inspired by the tracks on in full, but stripped back, and a little their singles “Disco Biscuit Love”, “Hurt nights out at transvestite bars and copious Zounds and we held an exhibition for the experimental. Then we take off back to Me”, and “Easy To Love”, the Jezabels amounts of liquid in pint-sized glasses. media for the release of the album last the UK for some summer touring action have the wheels in motion, but with August. We thought it was finally time and head to LA to start work on our three years under their belt as a team, Well since we’re shouting out from Sydney people got to see the art works so our fourth record. And heaps of yacht parties. this foursome place more pressure on Uni, was there a nice little campus tale to the lovely management team has been busy themselves than their fans do. “I think as beginnings of Dappled Cities? setting up a sweet public showing ready Ah bless, enjoy. a band we’ve progressed in the sense that We met at high school. But we were in the for when we get home. we’re comparatively more professional than before, and we’re better at the whole Paleo, there was this tradition that in the Manning gigs. “A lot of people who come routine now,” Kaloper says. “I just seem we say bamboulee camping area, one person would yell out to our gigs are doing creative stuff in their to get not as excited, in a good way. That We Say Bamboulée is made up of Doug ‘Bamboulée’, and everyone who hears own home and so everyone is interested means you manage your expectations; Wright and brothers Peter and Russell it, would have to yell it out as well, like in seeing what other people are doing.” you really just start to work at it in the Fitzgibbon. Together they have been a coo-ee, so when you’re trying to get to name of music and not get too wrapped creating a delightful selection of pop- sleep at like 3am, someone would yell The future for Bamboulée is about as up in hype. You’re just really happy to inspired electro goodness from a home it out and everyone in this enormous bright as futures come (read: dazzling!), have a stable opportunity to make music recording studio in Sydney’s far west since campsite would echo.” You heard it here with the band hoping to release their and connect with people.” 2007. first, folks, an Honi exclusive. debut EP in the next few months. As Peter explains, “I guess we’ve just been fiddling As runners-up in the 2007 Band Comp, The band’s sound is diverse and fresh, The Sydney Uni environment has been around and building up songs and stuff scoring second behind psych-poppers The sparking controversy about ‘labels’ even kind to Bamboulée which placed third for the past year. We’re looking forward Laurels, this creative quartet certainly within the band itself. “I reckon we’re a in last year’s Band Comp, an experience to being able to say ‘that was our last EP’ balanced the books and the band. “Our pretty pigeonhole-able band. Like indie- which also helped its members form new and sort of move on from that.” first gig was the Band Comp, so that’s electronica, I reckon it’s pretty fair to friendships within the USyd music world. what sort of got us started,” Kaloper says. pigeonhole us as that,” argues singer and “Our first gig was at Band Comp, where Whether Bamboulée will survive beyond “It was exciting, I guess people should keys player Doug. Drummer Russell takes we played with lots of bands that were the wonder years of USyd is unknown, take it more seriously than just practice a more open ended view: “We all have great. Even the people who ran Band but the bond between the band members on stage but it’s an opportunity that’s just that kind of pop background in our heads Comp were great, and that kind of set seems set to outlast us all. “I like to think so accessible.” Studies and stages often do so we always end up with major chords. us up for the first little bit, and we met we’re friends first and band second,” says mix, and despite Kaloper having finished But also we all listen to such eclectic other people through them. It was really Doug. “We go on bushwalks together!” his Science degree majoring in Physics, music that what we end up with doesn’t amazing and supportive,” explains Peter. adds Peter. And considering that old both femmes of the group are still really belong in any particular genre. It saying that the band that bushwalks hitting up Fisher. “I don’t know how they might have its grounding in pop music, While the chaps aren’t diehard Manning together, stays together, I think We Say manage to do it but I’d probably have no but it’s hopefully something a bit more.” regulars, preferring the triangle lawns Bamboulée will be taking us on fantastical hair left if I was them. I’m considering outside the Law building or the sunken journey through their music for quite postgraduate study but there’s no way I The story begins with Doug’s year-long lawns, they have a solid understanding some time. Or maybe just a nice camping can reconcile that with the current set of trip to Switzerland: “I was at one of of the importance of the supportive trip. affairs.” While Guitarist Sam Lockwood the music festivals over there, called creative network fostered at sticky-floored Jess Stirling was a main campuser, pianist Heather Shannon is a Con buff majoring in injection of Saints-style garage venom, Classical Piano and vocalist Hayley Mary super florence jam they create tightly-crafted melodies onstage gets her kicks from Arts and Gender With a scintillating act honed in a variety that even the most intentionally morose of Studies. of Sydney venues, you wouldn’t have much punters find it hard to resist getting down to. trouble in arguing that Super Florence It may have something to do with the famed We’re all aching for a lot more material Jam are one of the tightest bands playing aural assault of the bands’ gigs. You can from the band and hopefully they will be in our city today. Recently described as a sense a connection to Bob Dylan’s famous as prolific as Kaloper is verbose. “Well ‘musical travelogue of madness’, the band maxim: “play it fuckin’ loud”. yes, I’ve never been one for brevity,” he features our uni’s own Laurence Rosier minute injection of energy which Super laughs. “I remember Jmag tried to get Staines as well as Adam Krawczyk, Alex Part of their lasting appeal on the live Florence Jam dishes up across the board me to write a review of an album and Tulett and Mike Solo. Over the years, circuit is their inability to be pigeonholed with a certain wry panache. I’d never written one before. It was 180 they have attracted a devoted following for into a single genre. With a nod to a variety words or less and it actually took me delivering a thundering and dominant live of influences, new recordings like the fast The band is heading into the studio later about three days. I would have been performance. garage rocker “Anastasia Won’t You Sleep this month to record new tracks. Catch able to belt it out in 600-700 words With Me” sit alongside the upbeat pop them on 26 May at the Gaelic as the main easy, but the mere fact that it was 180 Combining the instrumental sensitivity and of “Simmer Down”. The frenetic Little support for Star Assassin. words actually made it one of the most proficiency of prog-rock (two guitarists, Richard-style keyboard boogie, “Walkin’ challenging endeavours.” keys, and a double-necked bass!) with a On The Rocks By The Ocean” is a sub-two Will Atkinson Bridie Connellan 12 The Mains

TURN ON, TUNE IN, DROP OUT While they may not grab the headlines that Kyle Sandilands does, Sydney’s community radio stations boast thousands of dedicated listeners. So why are they struggling to stay afloat? Daniel Zwi found the right frequency and tuned in.

invited into the studio itself to drop off their demos and speak to professionals about how best to navigate the industry. When I asked Zilber how FBi contributes them here, listeners need to become to Sydney music, rather than giving his But more than this, it seems Sydney’s supporters.” Indeed, out of the 255,000 station a marketing plug, he displayed community stations create a communal emember the global financial people that tune in to FBi each week, the frustrating modesty typical of really atmosphere by drawing all their crisis? That old thing? It wasn’t only around 6000 are registered nice guys. “I think that’s for our listeners presenters and administrative volunteers Rmy cup of tea. Economic subscribers. Zilber tells me that if this to judge and history to decide,” he says. from the community itself. There instability just isn’t that much fun, even number were to reach 10,000, the “I guess more than anything, we provide is no distinction between a station if we did enjoy our $900 gift from Kevin. station would be in a position of relative access for the music community. We try and its demographic; the producers But amidst the retrenchments and financial stability. “We certainly wouldn’t and show people that there’s amazing and consumers of FBi’s content are bankruptcies, you may have noticed a have to do a save FBi campaign again.” music in this city, and that it’s easy to inextricably linked. It’s hard not to love proliferation of affordable, intimate gigs get off the couch and engage with it.” the awkward silences that permeate with some of Sydney’s best bands. They The Community Broadcasting This is a gross understatement. FBi has the shows of FBi, and the incongruous assembled, pro-bono, in dark corners Association of Australia (CBAA) had a full-time license for seven years banter that reminds me that they’re across the city, donating any revenue to has recently submitted their ‘Vision now, during which time the Sydney just a couple of schlumps like myself, a much-loved community radio station 2015’ to Minister Stephen Conroy in independent music scene has flourished. probably studying at USyd, and not Kyle in the hope that it might survive the a bid to increase funding for content Their strictly enforced and much Sandilands. recession. It was awesome. It worked. It development, infrastructure investment, celebrated quota – one half Australian saved FBi. volunteer co-ordination and training. music, half of that from Sydney – affords Of course, ‘schlumps’ infers a lack One may be moderately optimistic airplay to local bands that may be of salary, and thus volunteering is a The ‘Save FBi’ campaign last June raised about a future such as this but across neglected by larger stations due to lack defining feature of community radio. enough money to keep the music-focused town at fellow community broadcaster of mainstream appeal or simply not At 2ser, whose licence is held by UTS community radio station FBi 94.5FM 2ser 107.3FM, musical director, Andrew enough of a following. and Macquarie University, philanthropy on air, and then some. Almost one year Khedoori, is more candid: “Sydney works both ways: students work at the later, remnants of the promotion prove is a tough city, perhaps a bit fickle,” Zilber says it’s all about listening to both station whilst those in more permanent the station’s efforts galvanised Sydney’s he says. “People might not grasp the your audience and your artists. “It’s positions help out at the universities. music community – both artists and importance of donation, despite the fact important to be honest about reflecting “Our newsroom is especially dependent listeners – into support of the Redfern- that they enjoy listening to us.” Indeed, the community that we are trying to on UTS journalism students; they get based institution that saw its business even though the youth-based station serve,” says Zilber. “Artists don’t need their work experience by volunteering sponsorship halved during the GFC. has been around for 30 years and is support from NME or Triple J to get and we often become tutors for their With such sponsorship accounting for considered something of a stalwart of played on FBi. We will listen to a song courses in media and communications,” 50 per cent of FBi’s $1,000,000 yearly Sydney’s subculture, it struggles for want in a vacuum and then decide how best says Khedoori. It’s a match made in running costs, the station that describes of listener subscriptions. When asked to use it.” I suggest to him that FBi is reciprocal heaven. itself as “delivering the best in new about the nature of government support, in a privileged position because even if music and emerging culture” veered Khedoori’s response was curt: “There’s they ‘get the music wrong’, they manage Aside from the obvious benefit of dangerously close to turning off the no funding from the government. That’s to endear themselves to their listeners. free labour, volunteers help keep mic. ‘Twas a glorious victory for the a popular misconception.” Suffice to say Really, which other respectable station content relevant to a station’s target little guy over ‘the Man’. However, the these stations need our help. But what is gives such amateur recordings the time demographic. Both FBi and 2ser rely on episode highlighted the vulnerability of it exactly that we’re being asked to pay of day? Zilber agrees: “A lot of people rookies to introduce new music to the community radio stations whose survival for? Sydney is expensive and I don’t got listen to us because we play recording station and critique what is currently depends largely on our financial support. much spare cash, so what services do qualities that are a bit unpolished – even being played; their preferences are community stations actually provide? in a scratchy demo, there may be an seen to be a good representation of the Every month an audience of 9.5 element that we really like. You won’t stations’ respective listeners. At 2ser, million Australians (57 per cent of the The short answer is blunt: community hear that on most other stations.” where nothing is playlisted (there are no population) tunes in to community radio serves up anything that commercial songs ‘on rotation’), music is at the sole radio, with 20 per cent audience growth or government stations don’t. When Exposure, originality, accessibility – discretion of the program presenter. It’s between 2004 and 2008. But in light of groups apply for a broadcasting licence, perhaps these are the elements of this particularly important, then, that their events like last June’s fundraisers, what they must specify to the Australia kind of community radio that Sydney taste sits well with that of the wider is it about FBi [aka Free Broadcast inc.] Communications and Media Authority deemed worth saving during our community. and its contemporaries that has inspired (ACMA) which community interest economic hiccup last year. I wonder if, such altruism? And if we love them so they intend to serve. Licences are more than merely reflecting the city’s David Goldschmidt, a volunteer at FBi, much, why are they so cash-strapped? awarded based on the perceived need experimental music scene, FBi has to has a particularly fond attitude towards for such coverage; applicants must show a large extent created it. After all, it the role of unpaid assistants and hardly Dan Zilber, FBi’s musical director, is that mainstream radio overlooks their seems to dabble in all aspects of the sees his role as slave labour. “The a pretty good figure to ask about this particular niche: FBi has a youth licence; music industry besides recording itself: volunteers form the station’s backbone,” dilemma. “It’s about people’s perceptions 2ser’s is educational; Koori Radio 2LND the station promotes the records on he says. “Everything that happens, of community radio,” he says. “Although has an indigenous mandate, and there air, organises gigs in which these songs whether it’s designing posters, organising it’s a free medium and Sydney deserves are over 25 others in Sydney. Put simply, can be performed live and coordinates gigs, delivering records or painting the these stations, the reality is that to keep they supplement our (esoteric) passions. musical Open Days where bands are walls of the office – it’s all volunteers.” 1313

While they may not grab the headlines that Kyle Sandilands does, Sydney’s community radio stations boast thousands of dedicated listeners. So why are they struggling to stay afloat? Daniel Zwi found the right frequency and tuned in. Unlike 2ser, FBi’s shows are half- playlisted before 6pm. But as Zilber compiles these core playlists, how Clockwise from left: (1) Overenthusiastic supporters really do love their FBi. (2) He really didn’t. (3) They did. does he know he’s choosing the right stuff ? You guessed it. “We encourage volunteers to let us know when they’re digging something. Whenever we do a callout for new presenters, we ask what their favourite record is right now. What’s something we’re not playing on FBi that they wish we were?”

These stations aren’t in the business of letting somebody’s skills go unutilised. Goldschmidt has worked at FBi for two months and he’s already jumped from receptionist (aka frontliner) to events & marketing intern (and receptionist). “I’m helping organise a festival in September,” he says. “Everyone here respects that you’re volunteering and they reward you with opportunities and responsibilities.” And why volunteer in the first place? “If you’re passionate about Sydney music then you’re passionate about FBi. The station has an egalitarian approach to music; songs are played because they’re good and not because of any outside influences. People know this, and want to contribute towards it.”

I’m sensing a pattern emerging here – a quid pro quo cycle that sustains music- focused community radio. These guys are established by us, to respond to our “I guess more than anything, we provide access for the music interests. They not only reflect these interests by playing stuff we like, but help community. We try and show people that there’s amazing music in create musical communities by drawing this city, and that it’s easy to get off the couch and engage with it.” together people with similar preferences. As listeners, we enjoy the benefit of an -Dan Zilber, Music Director, FBi Radio improved music scene, and help them by volunteering our time and making sure the music stays true to the demographic. A 'SURG' IN STUDENT RADIO? What’s missing here is a rate of donation A quick sidenote in order to answer a question that’s been itching you since the 2ser licence was mentioned: how is it proportional to those that listen to the that two ugly and severely sandstone-deprived universities have themselves a burgeoning community radio station, and stations. It’s an important step because it we don’t? Well it’s not for lack of trying. Sydney University Radio Group (SURG) broadcast for two weeks each year allows for the execution of all the others. during O-Week and the Verge Arts Festival. SURG President, Michael Koziol is optimistic about their plans to make it It’s obvious why Sydney wanted to save more permanent, but recognises the difficulty in making this happen. “In the past, [a permanent station] hasn’t been FBi – why we need community radio in possible because there wasn’t a studio,” he says. “However the Arts faculty have just completed a new setup in the our city. But rather than hopping on the Holme Building, for the use of Media and Communications students. We’re trying to reach a memorandum of under- idealistic bandwagon we also need to standing regarding mutual usage of that facility.” realise what it takes to run these stations.

Sounds good. But wait. ‘The problem is that negotiations have fallen apart because of restructuring in the faculty. The I asked Zilber if there were any guy who was in charge is no longer around,” says Koziol. “It will happen eventually – it’s just a matter of how long it initiatives that he would like to takes. Our goal is to have at least a narrow casting licence that would cover the uni campus, and be on air 24/7, even if implement but can’t due to lack of funds. we’re not always live.” There’s no hesitation before his answer: “That list is endless.” Here’s hoping. I guess it’s like Regina Spektor says. “On the radio uh-oh, on the radio uh-oh, on the radio uh-oh, on the radio oh-oooooooooo, duh-dum-dum, duh-dum-dum, lah-lah-lah-lah”. Oh Regina, you are just so right. Tune in Conroy, stat. 18

14 The Lodgers COLLEGE HONI'S SOUNDTRACK TO . . . Ted Talas watched some glorious ridicule, satirize and generally lampoon READING THE WOMEN'S EDITION basterds perform. all things college. No college, or indeed SMH reporter, was safe from the fResher / adjective. Silly Joe Payten likes Girl Talk. barbs of the cast, even if these barbs Revue / noun. A form of theatrical 1. Man I Feel Like A Woman – Shania Twain sometimes felt more like a soft tickle entertainment in which recent events, “Girls, it’s time to rebel against the Victorian-era standards that are holding us back! rather then the sting of potent satire. popular fads, etc. are parodied. Let’s have a few margaritas, colour our hair, and go out dancing!” Highlights included a towel-dancing 2. Stupid Girls - Pink rendition of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” The annual fResher revue provides an Because we all know that if you aren’t a fitness-loving, football-playing feminist, then as a well as the finale: an entire cast opportunity for college kids to participate you’re a blonde-haired, car-washing bimbo. There is nothing else on the spectrum of singlaong of the appropriately re-jigged in a university revue without having feminism. Monty Python number “Always Look to leave the stately grounds of their 3. What’s The Ugliest Part of Your Body? – Frank Zappa On the Right Side of Press”. Such residential fortresses. The revue is just Trick question! Every part of you is beautiful (although Frank Zappa thinks it’s your song and dance spectaculars were like any other university revue: poor mind). complemented by the obligatory jibes acting, tenuously drawn-out storylines 4. Can’t Hold Us Down – Christina Aguilera feat. Lil’ Kim directed towards all manner of college and jokes which have little appeal Christina shows us what feminism is all about these days – having sexy and liberating authority figures. beyond their target audience (which water fights. often consists of three people). 5. Promiscuous Girl – Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland Beyond what was happening on stage, Nelly is the ultimate modern woman as she pouts, shakes her booty and generally ‘Pulp fReshman’ ticked all the boxes Nothing changed in 2010. This year, demands respect in a sexy yet empowering fashion. offstage. Banter flowed from the the revue was ambitiously titled ‘Pulp 6. Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves – Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin audience throughout the production, fReshman’ and made reference to a Because every good straw man argument needs a culturally outdated feminist backing ranging from the witty to the downright variety of Tarantino films. While hardly track. abusive. The revue also featured the doing justice to its namesake’s innovative 7. Independent Woman – Destiny’s Child expected, although often unscripted, use of non-linear narratology and If only all feminists could be this damn sassy. Maybe if they prefaced all their cast nudity. This was all finished off by self-reflexivity, the Tarantino references arguments with “Question: tell me what you think about this...” a supposedly banging after party for the could not help but provoke a wry smile 8. Lola – The Kinks cast and crew. from the majority of the college crowd. Ray Davies said it best: “Girls will be boys and boys will be girls, it’s a muddled up, mixed up, shook up world.” All in all, the 2010 fResher Revue made But, just as with all revues, the audience 9. What the Fuck – Machine Gun Fellatio for an enjoyable night out. This success weren’t there to see what could be The instant response most men have to being called a rapist because they are anything definitely bodes well for the Intercol tentatively described as a ‘plot’. Put less than an armed vigilante ridding our city of rapists. Revue proposed under the new USU- on by Women’s and Paul’s, the revue 10. What About Me? – Moving Pictures Intercol agreement for later in the year. was largely successful in its attempts to Men’s Issue anyone?

are so obvious I’m surprised they don’t To put another spin on it, in the world removed by the end of the month to A SPORTING CHANCE get endorsements from Ladbrokes. of cue sports, snooker is the full 42.195 make way for pokies, and the number Joe Smith-Davies gets it in the hole. km marathon to pool’s 100 metre dash. of full-size tables in Sydney is said to Then there’s the only other Antipodean If you’ve got pay-tv, chances are you’ve A game requiring immense skill and number less than 200. snooker world champion, Horace watched a bit of snooker before. It’s surgical concentration, snooker is very, Lindrum. Lindrum won his title in usually shown mid-week, mid-afternoon, very difficult and, at a professional level, This state of affairs is tragic not only controversial circumstances, as most just after 45 minutes of Sid Waddell’s often very, very long. It took Home and because snooker is a great sport but also professional players boycotted the paroxysms of gravelly, heavily-accented Away subplot character actor lookalike because snooker players are the most tournament and instead played the more excitement every time Phil “The Power” Neil Robertson more than 12 hours, interesting sports stars in the world. lucrative World Matchplay. However, all Taylor gets “ONNE-UNNEDREEED spread over two days and four sessions Take “Rocket” Ronnie O’Sullivan, a debate surrounding the validity of his –AND-AAAAATEY” in the 2010 Darts of play, to overcome Scotsman Graeme name even those completely ignorant title becomes moot in light of a startling Champions League, held at Bog-Upon- Dott 18-13 in a best of 35 frames of the game may recognise. “Rocket recent revelation from Lindrum’s Stick Retirement Hall, Middle England. match to win the 2010 World Snooker Ronnie” is a brilliant enigma of a daughter: Lindrum was declared legally But although these sports exist in the Championship. man, yet to meet his Turing or play blind by a Harley Street eye doctor two same broadcasting space, and probably at his Bletchley Park. O’Sullivan has years before he won the championship the same room in the aforementioned However, Robertson’s remarkable threatened to quit the sport that he in an epic two-week play-off. From that old-people’s home, in terms of action, achievement may not be enough to save has done so much for almost as many evidence, it appears you don’t even need appeal, and audience, snooker is aged snooker in NSW. The hallowed felt in times as he has made the maximum 147 to see to appreciate snooker. And you cheddar to darts’ lager-flavoured chalk. two of Sydney’s oldest snooker halls, break, which is a record-breaking nine. certainly don’t have to listen to Sid. Smithfield and Campbelltown, will be When you watch this guy play, the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other

courses, polo fields and meticulously As any self-respecting American knows, douchebags. maintained gated communities, catering at any event is crucial and Wanderlust all intensely watered by a natural Coachella did not disappoint. Unlike The final day called on some real Toby Meagher got to go to Coachella. groundwater spring. Quite literally an its Australian counterparts, this festival stamina on the part of all involved. And you didn’t. oasis in the desert. prided itself on providing some of the Three days of mid-thirties degree heat The moshtix website slowly went into worlds best ever drunk feeds. Of note and constant dancing are a recipe for meltdown last Thursday morning with Ringed by palm trees, giant wind were such delicacies as the meatball sub both disaster and cramping. But the line- thousands of desperate fans swarming turbines, snow-capped desert peaks over near the dance tent and the New up delivered. Florence and the Machine the site to get their hands on a golden and huge skies, every night of the three York pizza under the Ferris wheel. Sadly, set the tone for the day with a stunning ticket to this year’s Splendour in the day festival saw ridiculous sunsets and the bars, whilst being well serviced, collaboration with The Cold War kids Grass festival. Tears were shed and big-name acts to match. Day one played failed to deliver on choice. Highlighted and Phoenix stepped it up again. Jonsi, friendships torn apart as anyone who host to top sets by Grizzly Bear, Passion by the fact that the cocktail bar served Miike Snow, Julian Casablancas, Matt had even glimpsed this year’s line-up Pit and the Whitest Boy Alive with only two styles of ‘cocktail’; whisky and & Kim and Spoon filled in the gaps and knew that this was the best festival New York dance-punk collective LCD cola or bourbon and cola, an obviously Thom Yorke’s new supergroup featuring since… well… Coachella. Soundsystem delivering a pounding ill-conceived selection. Flea from the Chilli Peppers blew the and fist-pumpingly good show to warm minds of all who missed Pavement to see For those lucky enough to have been up the Main Stage for Jay-Z. Not that The huge dance tents were the second them. in California in late April, Coachella Young Hova needed any help. Covering day’s destination. Hot Chip and The lived up to and far surpassed the high ‘Wonderwall’, ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ xx were the pick of the daytime choices If the similar line-ups are anything to expectations put on one of the world’s and ‘Forever Young’ and with a surprise and Kaskade, David Guetta, Z-Trip and go by, then Splendour should live up to big-name festivals. The site, nestled performance from Beyonce to close out 2ManyDJs worked the steaming tents the massive hype surrounding its tenth in the Coachella Valley, sits deep in the show, Jay-Z stamped his presence all into a frenzy late into the night. Muse instalment. Lets hope Woodfordia can the heart of the central Californian over the weekend. was avoided purely on the reasoning deliver (that’s if anyone can find the desert on a ridiculous collection of golf that most people who like Muse are place). 1519

Facts are all around us: in the trees, in the ocean, hiding behind a bin. As university students it is our aim, nay sacred duty, to find these facts, capture them and parade them around in chains from town to town until they escape their bonds and climb the Empire State Building. The editors of Honi Soit humbly submit these little morsels of truth to sate the hunger of your mind- FACT! stomachs. The honey badger is so named The horse that played Mr Ed was Until 1970, the UTS Tower was the No two numbers add up to 63. because its urine actually tastes like actually a zebra. You can’t see the tallest building outside of the United honey. stripes because it’s in black and States. Coffee is more addictive than heroin but white. less addictive than a lot of heroin. There are more tuktuks than people The highest total score you can roll with in Thailand. Over 60 per cent of the world’s three standard dice is 15. Abraham Lincoln had a crippling phobia basil is used in making mojitos. of a civil war hat would tear his nation The technical term for ‘tummy’ is Lara Bingle has only two real friends. apart. The highest grossing movie of all ‘mind-stomach’. time is Pocahontas II. Gorillas masticate up to 18 times a day. Flames are the most flammable element The only natural predators of on earth. quokkas are ghosts. There are more bats in Hyde Park Up until 1934, Mexican women were than people in Sydney. banned from eating papaya. The total sum of all the properties in Jeff Goldblum’s last name is Monopoly is $5,350, but the entire pronounced ‘Bridges’. The collective noun for pandas is Sloths can be medically dead for up to 8 boardgame itself only costs $49rrp! a ‘fuckton’. hours and still survive. There are under four bones in the Google currently takes up 400 square average adult human body. The average person consumes Due to an oversight during federation, kilometers of internet. 0.1 quokkas in their sleep in their South Australia is technically not part of This is the last thing that 70 per cent lifetime. Australia, but rather a large province of No one knows how planes work. of people see before they die: Greece. There is no Spanish word for tequila. In Tennessee, it is illegal to take an alligator to the movies and commit Due to a clerical error, a quokka genocide. was installed as Prime Minister for two months after Harold Holt’s Shakespeare invented over 200 words disappearance. including ‘Shakespeare’, ‘Invented’, ‘Over’, ‘200’ and ‘Words’. The universe is big, but not nearly as big as people think.

SRC Help... Top Tips for Surviving Uni (that work)! The Learning Centre you for free – with most found on Level 5 5. Discontinuing from subjects If you are a domestic students and were of the Jane Foss Russell Building. If you unable to successfully complete study in a are feeling down or stressed there is the unit/s because of disadvantageous special Make the friendly people at the Learning You will receive a Discontinue Fail Counselling Service for domestic students circumstances that occurred or got worse Centre your new best friends. They offer if you withdraw now, unless you can or ISSU for international students. The after the census date (31 March and 31 bunches of workshops from academic demonstrate special circumstances Financial Assistance Office offers free August for semesters 1 and 2) you can writing and proper referencing to (such as illness) that have occurred interest loans and bursaries, and the apply for your fees back. You will need presentation skills and time management. since 23 April were unpredictable, out Scholarships Office offering the obvious. supporting documentation. Things are a We bet a bar of chocolate that they offer of your control and have significantly The Disability Service supports students bit different for international students. Ask a workshop that is good for you, and disadvantaged your studies. If you can who register their disability – this can be a SRC HELP for more advice. encourage you to race online and book make this case successfully to the Faculty physical disability – including a temporary yourself in. www.usyd.edu.au/lc – you will need supporting documentation one, a learning disability, dyslexia, anxiety – you may receive a Discontinue Not Fail etc – contact the Disability Services to To make an appointment (DNF). SRC HELP can assist you with an 2. Your Academic Consultation find out how they may be able to help application. to see a caseworker: Hours you. Then there is the Accommodation Service that has a database to help you Your lecturer does not need to be your find new digs. 6. Applying for fails to be p: 9660 5222 best friend, however, you should know converted to Discontinue not e: [email protected] when she/he is available for consultation 4. Special consideration and Fail Or come and see us at: you can use this opportunity to ask arrangements those niggling questions you might have. If you have fails on record from previous Level 1 (Basement) Wentworth Academics are paid to teach and they Special consideration is what you apply semesters that are a result of special Bldg - City Road Entry like students to see them during their for if special circumstances (eg an illness circumstances disadvantaging you in the consultation hours. Many students don’t or misfortune that affects you or someone second half of semester and you think you use this opportunity for help. So why don’t close to you) disadvantages your study. can prove it, you can write to the Dean For more information: you keep them company or just make You must apply for Special Consideration and ask for them to consider whether them work harder! Whatever way you www.src.usyd.edu.au within 7 days of the exam or deadline. these grades could change to DNFs. You want to look at it. Special arrangements can be made if will need supporting documentation. SRC your exam falls on a religious holiday or HELP can assist you with an application. 3. Suite of Student Services jury duty for example. If you have more questions come to SRC HELP. 7. Applying for your fees back Uni is probably the only place where you have so many services available to support 16 The SRC Reports President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected] This week has been another busy one for 3. That the reductions in of the University, and is one of the the SRC, and for the whole university emissions be achieved through Vice-Chancellor’s ‘Work slate’ projects. judging by the amount of chalking, environmentally and socially It’s an important group and has lots of painting, leafleting and events that have responsible mechanisms. For influential people sitting on it who can been happening. example, that carbon reductions are recommend some pretty cool stuff, but it’s not achieved through the creation still in its initial stages in terms of creating I thought I would write about a particular of monoculture plantations that sustainability and climate change goals campaign that the SRC will be running destroy native habitat but instead for 2010 for the university. this year through one of its Environment through the creation of wind and collectives. I always harp on about solar energy. The main things that have been discussed educational opportunities so I thought a so far relate to power and energy usage. change would be nice. 4. That the University investigates Essentially the university has a huge embedding environmental and increase in energy usage in March – With the backdown by the Prime climate change knowledge within when everyone returns to the campus Minister over the Emissions Trading all areas of curricula and academic and there can be some hot, humid days. Scheme (ETS), it seems that climate units. The university wants to spread that usage in price substantially over the past 5-10 change and long-term widespread out more, with some sort of energy limit years, which means many students have environmental degradation is at the back 5. That improvements in for those types of peak usage periods. laptops that they bring in so they can of politicians’ minds. But according to sustainable practices and It would mean, for example, that when work on assignments and projects in any students, academics, staff and general infrastructure are encouraged people leave rooms they have to turn space in the uni. Of course, it would be members of the community, we still care across the University, particularly lights, computers and the air-conditioning easier if we had better wireless coverage, and want something done to ensure the in regards to new building projects, off. Not really a big ask, is it? but I’m working on that… planet survives for future generations and waste management, water and beyond. electricity usage, and so on. One of the huge users of energy at this So next time you’re wandering around university is air-conditioning. A lot of campus, ask why there aren’t any As the SRC stated in our response to the An immediate step that the University fancy new buildings have been built recycling bins, or why every single Green Paper, we believe the University can take while it develops (or considers) as part of the Campus 2010 planning room in the uni is air-conditioned – needs to develop and implement a ‘Green this ‘Green Vision’ is to become a better vision, but guess what? These buildings even throughout the colder months! Vision’ that is core to the University’s recycler. A number of students have – in aren’t environmentally friendly or I would also encourage you to email identity and vision. However a Green groups and as individuals – approached sustainable. They are heavily reliant on me with your suggestions about how Vision involves more than just making the SRC with their concerns about air-conditioning, lots of lights and are the University can become more promises about climate change. It also recycling. Students often wish to recycle generally places that the show Carbon environmentally-sustainable through involves creating degrees, curricula and but find there is no recycling option Cops would freak out visiting. Not really practices such as renewal energy spaces on the campus that adhere to this available for them. The USU is the only the kinds of buildings we want to last into usage, less energy usage, better wireless Green Vision. place on the Camperdown / Darlington the future and that don’t contribute to a coverage and access to laptops, and so campuses that you can recycle bottles, huge drain on energy resources. on. The SRC made the following cardboard, and plastic. This is pretty recommendations, most of which are pathetic, especially since the University Another area in which the University can Also make sure you come along on being specifically campaigned on by the has one of the biggest student populations afford to reduce its energy consumption Thursday 13th May for the launch of Student Environment Action Collective but generally has a poor past of failing is computing equipment, especially the ‘Green Campus Now!’ campaign (SEAC): to create progressive environmental desktop computers. I know that seems run by the SRC and the Environment practices. The USU has done a great job hypocritical, considering I’m typing my Department. There will be a free lunch 1. That the University encourages a in recognising the importance of these report up now on a computer (which I on the New Law lawns from 12.30pm, transition to 100% renewable energy kind of practices, but it shouldn’t be up to always turn off when I leave!). But as followed by a discussion and guest by 2020, to be negotiated with the a student organisation to pick up the slack was discovered in the recent Teaching speakers in New Law Seminar Room University community. of the University. and Learning survey that the SRC and 105. It’s a totally free event, so bring your SUPRA organised with ITL (Institute friends and let’s engage in a dialogue 2. That the University creates a One of the committees or groups I sit of Teaching & Learning), desktop about preserving the environment and policy to cut its carbon emissions on as SRC President is the Emissions computers are becoming increasingly stopping climate change! by 50% by 2020. Reduction Working Group (ERWG). It’s irrelevant to the younger generations of chaired by the Chief Financial Officer students. Why? Laptops have decreased

Get involved! Come along to a collective... Green Campus NOW! Education Action Group: 1pm Tuesdays, Quadrangle S441 Campaign Launch Thursday 13th May Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. There will be a free lunch on the New Law lawns from 12.30pm, followed by a discussion and guest speakers in New Law Seminar Room 105. It's a totally free event, so bring your friends Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building and let's engage in a dialogue about preserving the environment and stopping climate change! Environment Collectives: Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns SRC Council Meetings... Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of the month (June 1st, 3rd August, 7th September, International Students: Check your email for updates 5th October) @ 6pm in Eastern Avenue Seminar Room 405 For agenda contact: [email protected] 17 General Secretary's Report Ask Abe Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected] Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has During O-Week, universities across National Union of Students has been all the answers. . . Australia got students to fill out surveys campaigning for reforms to Rent about their housing situation – whether Assistance, and for the Government to Send your letters to: they live at home or not, how much create a pool of funding for universities [email protected] rent they pay, etc. – and the National to use to set up housing initiatives on Union of Students (NUS) has just their own campuses. If the Federal released the results. It found that 53% Government really wants to increase Hello Abe, of students live out of home, and of the percentage of Australians who have that, 66% were in rental stress. Rental a tertiary qualification, it needs to get Even though we just had a week off I stress is when your rent takes up more serious about funding the education still feel that I’m heaps behind. I’ve got than 30% of your income. Anglicare sector. Students need low-cost housing more assignments due than I know how jumped on the bandwagon and did and accessible income support, and surveys of accommodation available in universities need more funding to ensure to deal with. I can’t cut back on work the capital cities, and found that there they keep providing quality teaching and complete the NUS Quality Survey at because I need the money. I’m starting is no affordable housing (i.e. – housing learning. www.unistudent.com.au – procrastinate to feel really stressed. Can you give me that doesn’t put you in rental stress) productively, help us identify what’s some ideas that will help me? for people on welfare payments – i.e. – If you feel you’re not getting the bothering USyd students, and provide students. education you deserve, or you’re us with the data to take to the University Busy dissatisfied with the facilities and and the Government. This week the Federal Government resources that are being provided in will be announcing its budget. The your courses, why not take 5 minutes to

Dear Busy,

Education Report This is the time of the semester when Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected] many students start to feel the pressure co-written with Vivienne Moxham-Hall of assignments being due. If you

We recently sat down to dinner with of political economy. This type of When Foucault caused a split in the need an extension on a deadline make the founding president of the Teacher’s ideological debate epitomised the way Philosophy department one could see sure you talk to your tutor as soon as Union and lamented the loss of passion in which university evolved – growing university as a workshop of ideals. possible. Most of them understand found within higher education. He organically, through an individual Since the Dawkins reforms in the 80s your situation and will be willing to help spoke to us about splits and merges in passion for education. As times have university has become a degree factory you as much as they can. Unfortunately academic departments, driven solely but passed, this approach has been replaced where learning outcomes are measured some students in your situation feel that intellectual vision rather than financial with a drive for strandardised structures not in their intellectual adventurousness. incentive. Back then, the environment and processes that stifle controversy. It Instead, the university places importance this is an excuse to plagiarise either off was such that there was a now infamous is this type of controversy that enables in graduate skills, broadening another student or from the internet. split in the Philosophy department; students of future to think outside the international appeal and centralising This is a bad idea. Apart from robbing Foucault drove a rift between Marxist institutional structures that surround accountability measures. The yourself of the opportunity to learn ideologies, and resulted in a decade-long them. This further industrialization contemporary approach to education something, you will probably get caught division in the discipline. of universities leads to a restriction of is one that restricts student thought to and face serious penalties including the learning, thought and challenging the inside the sandstone box. possible exclusion from university. Around the same time a similar debacle established ideals of contemporary was occurring in the department society. The Learning Centre runs courses for free on time management. This can help you get your uni work under Women's Report control while still having a social life. Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan // [email protected] Check out their website at http://www. usyd.edu.au/stuserv/learning_centre. On Monday we held a launch for in student-run workshops. You will industrial issues. Asian Women at Work the Women’s Edition of Honi Soit, also learn how to strategise a nation- tackles these issues through providing and heard from fantastic speakers wide campaign, and from there set English classes, support groups, hobby If stress really starts to get the better and performances from women the direction of the National Union groups, seminars and leadership training. of you, go to the University’s Health students. Nina Funnell spoke about of Students Women’s Department Service or Counselling Unit as soon It would be especially worthwhile for the importance of having space for campaign for Semester Two. If this as you can. Both services are free feminist voices in journalism, and Gabe sounds like something you would international students to attend this (bulk billed) and will help you without Kavanagh spoke about the Pay Up! Pay be interested in and you want more forum as there will be a workshop equity campaign currently being run by information shoot me an email. relating specifically to those challenges judging you. the Australian Services Union. Thanks faced by international students. Visa to all who came along and helped Also coming up, this time on our very restrictions combined with enormous up- If you’ve done all of these things and celebrate! own campus on the 16th of May, is front study fees mean that international still can’t cope with your workload you students are more at risk of being in a forum organised by Asian Women might like to talk to an SRC caseworker NOWSA (Network of Women Students at Work called Raising the Voice precarious employment, dodgy housing about the possibility of withdrawing Australia) is an annual feminist of Migrant Women in Precarious and less able to speak up about their from a subject. This may attract an conference put on by the National Union Employment. Asian Women at Work, rights at work. of Students. This year it is taking place is a Sydney based group using a academic penalty, but you can at least at Newcastle University from 14th to community organising approach to work Once again, if you think you might check out what your options are. the 18th of July. Over the four days with Asian migrant women in low paid be interested in attending send me an you will meet students from women’s and precarious employment. The issues email – registration is free of charge and Abe collectives across Australia, hear from dealt with will extend across personal, it is being held on the 16th of May at some amazing speakers, andparticipate family, migrant, settlment, parenting and Eastern Avenue. 18 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES International Student Program – So What?

he Deputy Vice Chancellor’s T often do not even know we are The point is, from an international International Student Program entitled to get feedback on our student officer’s perspective, is a “mainstreaming” scheme And what if you were under a lot assessments, to get services, to we need to speak out, to raise for international students at the of pressure from your family to top voice our concerns in front of discussions and debates on these University of Sydney. Its aim is to your classes? And on top of that you Deputy Vice Chancellors through issues. I know this takes time, but solve many of the problems faced felt like there was no one to help SRC and SUPRA, to speak out it’s my, and your, responsibility as by international students, by being you - partly because you don’t know during non-violent demonstrations, university students! Because if we more inclusive, and engaging about the resources that do exist, etc! How basic the rights are! How don’t do it, who will? international students more. and partly because, even if you depressing it is to simply know we do know about them, you have to are not enjoying these wonderful The situation for International Much like last year, most of wait all the time because there are entitlements! A big part of this is Students both domestic and international only 5 counsellors for thousands of that we haven’t put the time and students will not really do much international students? energy in to learning what our Let’s look at overwhelming about it. Is it a waste of democratic rights are. difficulties. Some fellow domestic rights? Unfortunately, yes! These But then you think, you can’t just students might say it is just were such big issues last year, pack it in and go back home either, Secondly, it’s our fellow domestic university. You will get used to it surely somebody must take it because with the exchange rate students. If you paid close after a while. It’s not a big deal; up? But it’s not just one person, being so poor, and the exorbitant attention to what happened around or you choose to come here, you or the deficiency of the design tuition and rent you have already international students’ issues since should be able to perform well, of education system, or the paid, you’ve invested too much last year, it has almost all been otherwise you are not smart management, that we need to hold money in this educational about condemning government’s enough. Let us go through the accountable! It’s the responsibility experience, and so feel like you inaction - which is easier than issues, even though I don’t really of all of us, as a student community! can’t back out now. organizing long term social events think I can explain it well enough to help mainstream international here. But let’s make a start! What? How could it be our How do you feel about the 4 units of responsibility??? study policy now?

If you look at the number of people This is just one example of issues who showed up at meetings and international students face. There events organized for international are similar serious issues for students’ issues last year and international students regarding compare it to the whole student accommodation, social inclusion population, it is clear that only a and mental health. very small percentage of students are taking this issue seriously. I do not expect the readers to The issues are so serious, but the change their minds just by reading ratio is still tiny. Students, both this article about how depressing international and local, have not it can be to be an international done enough around students’ student in Sydney. But please start rights. Based on the facts, it’s thinking about it. obvious that the government and universities have not been (Please note that SUPRA is an doing a good job when it comes independent student organization. to international students’ rights. It was established to present an The one consultation roundtable independent voice, based on they did hold didn’t even include students’ autonomy, to the student representatives from student community and the management organisations. But what more can of the university. SUPRA is happy we expect when we aren’t making for students to come along and talk students. Rallies were planned in sustained, representative demands. about their demands. So please just a couple of short meetings Let’s look at the overwhelmingly do not worry that you will get in – without enough consideration unfair study-load issue first. I also have to admit that I did a trouble with the management, or for what was really needed for lousy job on this issue, because your faculty, if you come and tell international students. More people How would you feel if you were I haven’t always done enough in us what your issues are. ISSU really came along to the meetings when a student from another state voicing our difficulties at every cares about us as well, and will rallies promised to attract good within Australia, and in order opportunity – although I was able help you draft and lodge a formal media attention for their groups or to be recognized as a full-time to speak up in last Senior Executive complaint if you have any bad political parties, which is really only student you MUST take 4 units each Group Education (SEGEd) meeting, experience within or outside USYD about 10% of the whole process semester, while students from NSW where ISP was confirmed! The - on top of their usual functions!) of making a successful campaign. only had to take 3 units? You would barriers as a first year international We REALLY appreciate that fellow probably think that it’s unfair. student cannot be used as an (Please email your critiques, which students care and take action for excuse. are seriously important!) us. But I always wonder whether How would you feel if you were this is enough. Whether we want to an international student in, let’s So who exactly is responsible? Chihong Choi prioritise easy politics for getting say China, and had to take 4 units International Student Officer attention for political parties’ of study (if you couldn’t provide Firstly, it’s most of our fellow benefits, and therefore for money evidence of need to reduce your international students. Many of and power; or the more difficult study load), while most Chinese us do not step up and fight for politics of compassion and equity students could take three or less our own rights, because lots of for the disadvantaged? subjects, even if you had been us are from conservative political learning Chinese for years? You environments; and because most would probably feel like punching of us, including me as SUPRA’s someone. International Student Officer, 19 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES Academic Appeals 101 YOUR Postgraduate Representative Step 2: Approach the Faculty Copies of the faculty response will What is an academic appeal? be provided at least 5 working days Association What students need to do... before the hearing. Academic appeals occur when Becoming a member of your you disagree with an academic If concerns are not resolved or you ______postgraduate representative decision and make a complaint believe there was failure to follow association gives you the following about that decision. An academic procedure you should approach The above process applies benefits: decision is defined by resolutions your Faculty. Concerns should be University wide and is outlined of the University’s Academic Board put in writing to a nominated staff in full within Academic Board • Access to our confidential as “a decision of a member of member within 15 working days of Resolutions on Student Appeals student advice and advocacy the academic staff that affects the the outcome of step 1. If the Dean Against Academic Decisions service and legal service academic assessment or progress was the decision maker you should and the University of Sydney • Participate in SUPRA events and of a student”. Academic decisions address the appeal to the Deputy (Student Appeals Against activities that can be appealed include Vice Chancellor (Education) Academic Decisions) Rule 2006. • Receive regular email updates marks in assessments, or the overall Some Faculties publish their own and electronic publications mark in a unit, or a decision not to What the University needs to do... procedures however they must be (eGrad) approve an application for Special compliant with University wide • Use the SUPRA Resource and Consideration. The teacher or unit A written receipt should be given policies. These policies along Meeting Rooms of study coordinator needs to deal within three days. The Faculty (or with lots of useful information • Vote or run in the SUPRA Council with the issue promptly and give a Deputy Vice Chancellor) needs to are available at the University’s elections full explanation for the academic determine who will review your Secretariat web site http://www. • Actively participate in your decision. If not resolved they need appeal. They must try to resolve usyd.edu.au/secretariat/students/ representative student to explain the next appeal step your complaint within ten working association. and give you the appeal policy or days and advise you in writing of External Complaints - NSW the decision including reasons and Ombudsman advise how to access it online. Complete your subscription online at your right of appeal to the Student www.supra.usyd.edu.au/subscribe Appeals Body. If you are not satisfied with the Who should follow the academic then follow the links if you would result or conduct of an internal appeals process described like to become a SUPRA Supporter. Step 3: Appeal to the Student grievance or appeal one external below? Alternatively you can complete a form Appeals Body (SAB) option is to approach the NSW at our stalls or drop into the SUPRA Ombudsman. Recommendations All coursework students EXCEPT office. those appealing against exclusion What students need to do... of the NSW Ombudsman are non- can follow the process described binding in local student cases. For below. Coursework students If still not satisfied your concerns International students and because appealing against exclusion should are addressed you can lodge a of additional legal obligations the WHERE IS SUPRA? follow advice provided in the Show written SAB appeal to the Registrar University must inform you of the Cause and Exclusion Survival within 20 working days. You should right to make a NSW Ombudsman Address: Raglan St Building G10 Kit, provided by SUPRA on our show the appeal was considered complaint and implement any Darlington Campus website. Research students should by your Faculty and explain why decision and/or corrective action. The University of Sydney NSW 2006 seek advice from a SUPRA Student you believe they have not observed See http://www.ombo.nsw.gov.au/ due academic process. Note you or call 02 9286 1000 Phone: (02) 9351 3715 Advice and Advocacy Officer Toll-free: 1800 249 950 will not get a hearing if you do (SAAO). Fax: (02) 9351 6400 not fulfill these requirements. You You can contact a SUPRA Student Step 1: Resolution with Teacher should include copies of all written Advice and Advocacy Officer E: [email protected] evidence and submissions. (SAAO) on 9351 3715 or help@ Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au What students need to do... supra.usyd.edu.au at any step What the University needs to do... of the process. The information If you are concerned about an provided above is also available as The Registrar must confirm the a downloadable brochure on our academic decision discuss the issue with the teacher or unit of basis of the appeal has been website. considered by the Faculty, and To Main Quad study coordinator. Do this within Footbridge City Road 15 days of advice of the academic you explained your reasons for believing due academic process

decision or, if the decision relates Adrian Cardinali Jane Foss Cr Maze Russell Wentworth Maze Cr a unit of study outcome, within 15 was not followed. The Registrar Advice and Advocacy Coordinator Building days posting the result. will give at least 10 working days notice of an appeal hearing date. Cadigal Green

Butlin Ave What the University needs to do... City Road

The teacher or unit of study Merewether Church Lane coordinator needs to deal with Maze Cr Conference Support Council Vacancies Tennis the issue promptly and give a Codrington St Sports & Aquatic Courts Centre full explanation for the academic Lander St Darlington Rd Services Building Raglan St decision. If not resolved they need SUPRA may be able to provide Did you think about applying for support for postgrad students to explain the next appeal step and SUPRA Council but miss out on our Economics and wishing to attend specific student Business Building give you the appeal resolutions or official nomination period? The advise how to access them online. conferences, such NOWSA, QC, election for casual vacancies on Rose St To Redfern Station International Students Conference. Council is on now! There are 7 Abercrombie St and Pathways 10. positions to be filled for General Councillors, and we want you to To apply, email secretary@supra. be a part of this vibrant and active usyd.edu.au for more information. team. Contact the SUPRA office for a Applications for support are due by form, or email the secretary on 15th May. [email protected]. 20 Bletchley Park

THE 7. Mow deeper and become entitled (9) 8. Shy like an animal (8) HONI SOIT 14. Soldiers allegedly at the heart of the military? (4, 5) CROSSWORD 15. Eli gropes ornate Baroque composer (9) CRYPTIC 17. Wield like a label (8) Across 18. Get ready to hit and deep fry! (6, 2) 21. Gaudy like a loo? (6) 1. Refuse like a massage (7) 24. Is cum pleasant to the ears? (5) 5. She formerly owned the cleaning rags (7) 25. Cover story for Muhammed going both 9. The harbour is just fabulous! (7) ways? (5) 10. The spire disturbed sleep around the ends 26. Aquatic being like a bad mark (4) (7) 11. Double-barelled microphones (8) 12. Expand and explode (4, 2) 13. Marx brother riding a spear (7) 16. Acid-burnt rustic (6)

19. Assess the comment again (6)

20. Keep this TV show rollin’… (7) (4) life Marine 26.

22. No cash? Make Mexican! (6) (5) Excuse 25.

23. Family histories made of Emma’s tat (8) (5) silences and sounds of collection A 24.

27. I’m on either side of a laser blast from a (6) Extravagant 21.

countryman (7) 2) (6, phrase Baseball 18.

28. Even grooms assign his Italian composer! (8) around Wave 17.

(7) (9) composer Baroque Italian 15.

29. Drug like a drug? (7) 5) (4, faction Military 14.

30. Hungry like Gregory (7) (8) Coy 8. BENNY “ROBERT 1-DOWNY JR” DAVIS

7. Given confidence (9) confidence Given 7. 13. Whaling weapon (7) weapon Whaling 13.

29. Compressed cannabis (7) cannabis Compressed 29.

6. Molluscs, crustaceans and echinoderms (9) echinoderms and crustaceans Molluscs, 6. 12. Lose one’s temper (colloq.) (4, 2) (4, (colloq.) temper one’s Lose 12.

28. Composer of Il Barbiere di Siviglia (7) Siviglia di Barbiere Il of Composer 28.

5. Aspiration (4) Aspiration 5.

11. 12-gauge and pump action are examples (8) examples are action pump and 12-gauge 11.

Down (7) publication)

4. Midday to a gunslinger (4, 4) (4, gunslinger a to Midday 4. 10. Turret (7) Turret 10.

27. Citizen of Tel Aviv (accurate at time of of time at (accurate Aviv Tel of Citizen 27.

3. Sugar coating (5) coating Sugar 3.

9. Term of endearment (7) endearment of Term 9.

1. Vegetable that’s, like, awesome (6) (8) fit

2. Little donkey (5) donkey Little 2.

5. Cleaners (7) Cleaners 5.

2. An unfinished dig revealed a donkey (5) would that word only the and trees, Family 23.

1. Root vegetable (6) vegetable Root 1. 1. Garbage (7) Garbage 1.

3. Sugar coating Robbie Williams’ job (6) dish chip corn Mexican 22.

description (5) (7) Eastwood

Down Across

4. Say hello to lunchtime! (4, 4) Clint starring show TV 60’s American 20.

5. Desire like George Bush Jr. (4) (6) Observe 19.

30. Slightly hungry (7 hungry Slightly 30. QUICK 6. Crab, for example, that’s like a mantle (9) (6) acid Fruit 16.

*Questions themed around this week's issue. THE TAKE HOME SUDOKU 1. Who hosts the breakfast show on 11. Which US president coined the Triple M? term ‘affirmative action’?

2. What is Quentin Tarantino’s third 12. Is the pregnancy rate from feature film chronologically? intercourse with a condom 2-10% or 10-18%? 3. What is semi-masse? (a) the kerb weight of an articulated 13. In which European city was the first lorry World’s Fair held? (b) the French term for medium-rare (c) a snooker shot using side spin 14. What does ‘affogato’ mean?

4. When was the first portable computer 15. What is the capital of Tuscany? made commercially available: 1965, 1975 or 1985? 16. True or False: This year was the first time Britain held televised electoral 5. True or false: The founder of IKEA, debates. Ingvar Kamprad, is the richest man in the world. 17. What were Dappled Cities called

before they changed their name in order RATED: Hard. For an Arts student, that is! Oh, the lols keep coming. 6. What is the stage name of Stephanie to conquer America? Joanne Angelina Germanotta? 18. What is the technical name for 7. Who won the 2010 British election? pauses or hesitations in speech like ‘um’ WORDSWORDSWORDS

and ‘ah’? With Mark Sutton 8. What is the name of Postman Pat’s black and white cat? 19. What are the fishermen trying to Each of the words or two-word phrases below have something

catch on World’s Deadliest Catch? specific in common with each other. What is it? 9. The founder of Australian Fashion Week did not attend the proceedings for 20. True or False: Ray Davies’ brother’s Mean | Bolt | Left | Wear | Dust | Seed | Flog | Fast | Strike | Table | the first time this year. Who is he? name is David Davies. Out Of | Put Out | Sanction | Anabasis | Transparent

10. Which movie features the line ‘Show

me the money’?

Dappled Cities Fly 18. Disfluencies 19. Alaskan King Crab 20. True True 20. Crab King Alaskan 19. Disfluencies 18. Fly Cities Dappled

11. John F Kennedy 12. 10-18% 13. London 14. ‘drowning’ 15. Florence 16. True 17. 17. True 16. Florence 15. ‘drowning’ 14. London 13. 10-18% 12. Kennedy F John 11. 10. Lock Simon 9. Jess 8. parliament hung a in resulted Jerry Maguire Maguire Jerry

3. (c) 4. 1975 5. Fales. He is 11th richest. 6. Lady Ga-Ga 7. No one. The election election The one. No 7. Ga-Ga Lady 6. richest. 11th is He Fales. 5. 1975 4. (c) 3. 2. MacGill Stuart and Worland Gus Geyer, Mark 1. ANSWERS: Jackie Brown Brown Jackie The Garter Press SHIT, THAT ALMOST READS LIKE ‘GUTTER’

CHAPTER: 4 VERSE: 17 EST 2010 BC Price: That’s right. Alllllll the tea. WHAT FREE EXACTLY IS A FINANCE REPORT SPLENDOUR NICK CLEGG? A bunch of depressing graphs TICKETS ‘Cos it’s not a PM. and shit. Please send us some. BIEBER CHAOS Thousands left dead as riots enter third week

Cherrith Cutestory Music and Civil Unrest Correspondent

Havoc continues to be wrought worldwide as the now infamous ‘Bieber Riots’ enter a third week, marked by thousands of deaths and untold costs to the global financial markets.

Millions of ‘tween girls’ worldwide reacted angrily to the pop star’s cancelled appearance on Sunrise, prompting a civil uprising not seen before in human history.

“The devastation is unimaginable,” said The Police are really just Zac Efron fans. One ‘Belieber’ expressed her outrage outside Channel 7’s Martin Place studio by lighting herself on fire Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City. “There have been countless action to take to quell the violence. Federal Police would not confirm, but Koch Jessica ‘Sparkle Princess’ Mobbs, 14, is deaths from girls scratching the eyes out and Doyle are believed to be have been believed to be the riot’s ringleader in of innocent bystanders and our police “Our main problem is that most of us placed in hiding. Australia, and told The Garter Press that she are powerless against that much Britney aren’t exactly certain who this ‘Justin would not negotiate with authorities. Spears ‘Curious’ perfume.” Bieber’ kid is,” said UN Secretary-General Also in hiding are several 20-something Ban Ki-moon. “We’re still trying to wrap lesbians who reportedly fear for their lives “If he doesn’t perform for us, like, I swear Looting has been a problem across several our heads around the Team Jacob and seeing as they share the same haircut as to God, like, all this, like, madness will go continents, with Diva, Sportsgirl and Team Edward thing.” the young star. on, like, indefinitely,” Mobbs said. Forever New stores reporting millions of dollars worth of damage. Back in Australia, teen girls continue to In an embarrassing turn for the “By the way, if you’re reading this Justin, set themselves alight outside Channel 7’s government, Prime Minister Kevin I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH!! At a special meeting of the United Nations Martin Place studios, as well as burning Rudd was forced to apologise for the We’re meant to be together!” Mobbs added, Security Council, world leaders expressed effigies of Sunrise hosts David Koch and government’s delayed response to the riots, whilst cutting her forearms. their outrage and dismay at the riots, but Melissa Doyle. saying he was not “down with kids of admitted they were confused as to what today”. Teen idol calls for peace, eyes back INSIDE EXCLUSIVE BINDI IRWIN TWEETS BACK Jonathan Holmes-and-Gardens Teen Hysteria and Organ Theft Correspondent “Ima feed that bitch to a fucking crocodile.” The young Canadian teen idol at the centre the Parliament - pg 4 of the worldwide riots has called on his in Germany, fans to cease the violence, and to return his Bieber looked eyes. puzzled, saying, TEACHERS AGREE TO “‘Germany’? We NAPLAN TESTS Speaking exclusively to The Garter Press, don’t have that Justin Bieber said it was time for his word in America.” Students not so sure. fans to lay down their weapons and end - pg 5 the looting and pillaging which has so “I like playing devastated the major cities of the world. basketball if ERNIE DINGO’S NUDE PHOTO that’s what you’re “When I see all the violence on TV, I’m asking.” SCANDAL just like, ‘Baby, baby, baby,’” Bieber said. We didn’t actually make this Bieber also used headline up. It’s a real story. “I had no idea that my cancelling the the interview to - pg 8 concert on Sunrise would lead to this.” call on those fans who had stolen the young star’s eyes at a “It’s practically stealing.” “It’s time for all my fans to stop rioting New Zealand airport to return them. CARL WILLIAM’S ASSAILANTS and put an end to the public executions,” The two girls who stole Bieber’s eyes say REVEALED he said. His eyes were ripped from his face after he they’re willing to return them to the young pop star – but only in exchange for a date, Desperate producers of prospective was bombarded by young fans. Underbelly 4 series arrested. “Baby,” he added. a kiss, or his scalp. “It’s totally not cool what they did,” he When told that riots had just toppled said. Police were reportedly indifferent. The Garter Press News (cont.) SCIENTIST DISCOVERS OTHER SCIENTIST

In a report released yesterday, “We suspected he was extinct,” “I didn't want to say anything microscope and turned to me, gence of his partner. area scientist John Walters an- said Walters. “We hope to insti- though. I was worried maybe I and said hello. Then he asked nounced that he has discovered tute a breeding program soon had offended him with my last me about my daughter. She's “The applications of this dis- another man working with him to replenish numbers.” report. I left it on his desk one nine now.” covery are virtually limitless,” in the laboratory. day, and the next he had just said Walters. “Not only are Bill Harlem, the discovered stopped talking to me.” “It seems there were dramatic we able to confer on scientific “It was truly remarkable,” said scientist, believes that Walters changes that until now just matters, we can also go on that Walters. “I looked up from my was just too devoted to his “Report? I didn't even notice a went undetected,” said John. fishing trip we'd always talked microscope and there he was, work to notice he was there. report,” said Walters. “It must “I had seen no reports about about.” working at the next table.” have just gotten lost amongst Karen. I heard rumours of an “I guess our relationship just the paperwork on my desk. I've attempted expedition to docu- Harlem didn't wish to com- The newly discovered scientist deteriorated,” said Harlem. been so busy lately. It's just a ment her first day at school ment on the ramifications of is believed to have been work- “First we stopped greeting shame we lost all that time.” a few years ago – but I don't the discovery, but did say he ing in the area for 13 years each other in the morning. believe the results were ever looked forward to rekindling despite going undetected for Next our post-discovery hugs The discovery itself was quite published.” his friendship with Walters. the past five. disappeared, and soon he a shock to Harlem. just stopped noticing me all Nevertheless, Walters is said to “I've missed him.” together. “John looked up from the be excited about the re-emer- Those Kids From

The Old El Paso note about how we’re using Kids Solve LETTERS the fridge these days. I kinda thought that I was going to use Snookie the middle shelves, and that the Climate Change To The Garter, bottom ones were yours, and The Mighty-Mite For many days now, Carlos- I just noticed that a lot of my Your paper goes under my bum Rodriguez, Juan-Miguel and cottage cheese has been going and then collects my poo. Keep Maria-Guadalupe, or the kids missing (which I keep on my PET up the good work. from Old El Paso, as they are shelf in the fridge). I mean, better known, have been con- it’s not a big deal, if you want THE WEEKOF A cat. cerned that hurricanes, earth- cottage cheese that bad then quakes and volcano eruptions I’m happy for you to borrow have been getting in the way some (although it isn’t actually Garter, of people around the world that expensive, you can get it enjoying the delicious taste of down the road, and then we When is this newspaper going tortillas and burritos. wouldn’t need to share). It’s to be dragged into the 21st cen- totally fine, just something we Name: Snookie (The Mighty- Nicest Habit: Loves noth- tury? The editor would do well Last night, however, in an should probably clear up, ‘cos ing better than keeping you to realise that print is a dead Mite) amazing breakthrough these we wouldn’t want it to become medium and if the Garter is to warm (and itchy) on a Sunday pint-sized prodigies displayed a big problem or anything, like stay relevant, it should adapt to sleep-in. true genius – Mexican style we wouldn’t want me to have Breed: German Longfang. the times. My wife and I refuse – and solved the international to put strychnine in your cat’s to read anything that is not a crisis of climate change. As food or anything. But whatever, Favourite Toy: Nintendo Wii. Best trick: can lie dormant in a hologram, in 3D and directed Maria-Guadalupe explains, I’m totally cool with the situa- semi-dead crystallised state for by James Cameron. Please “Those loco scientists don’t tion. See you soon! hours at a time, until awak- know nothing gringo. The rectify this immediately. Favourite Food: Chocolate, ened by the movement of you answer was simple. All we had Tim watermelon and your face-skin. to was replace light bulbs with Barry St Carpark. going to bed. tacos.” Training Tips: Responds well Dear Garter, Proudest Moment: eventually Experts are stunned that the Hey to words of encouragement and offerings of your face-skin. finding its way back home answer was in front of them Let’s play a little game, shall How are you? We haven’t after its pillow was drenched all this time. The kids have we? already been awarded a Nobel caught each other around the Naughtiest Habit: Eating all of in anti-mite solution, put house for the last few days, I Prize, and been made heads of Squash? 2:30pm? Let me your chocolate and all of your through three spin-cycles and guess we’ve both been pretty Mensa, though they say their know! placed in landfill. What a biggest reward is knowing that busy with work! I know I have! face-skin. I just thought I’d drop you a relief for the owners! everyone may now enjoy home- Franklin D. Cornswallow style Mexican cookery.

Stubbed Your Toe? Shouting at Swearing is the num- ber one way of saying Someone? Missed that Goal? “Fuck”! Just try one of these great swears! Have You Considered... • Bitch! • Balls! • Bitchballs! • Zounds! SWEARING?! • Forsooth! • Whorecunt! • Fuckcabinet! • Egg-sucking-gutter- trash! Professor P.T. Fucksworthy • Cake! The Garter Press Lifestyle

Tae Bo. Look dapper while you what o.n.o means, I just saw it Using our three-easy-steps ladder CLASSIFIEDS exercise with this incredibly here once.) you can fly for literally tens of COLUMN∞ excellent pun. microseconds! Rich man seeks lowly minion to Spotted in Killara by Judy Lost. Missed last week’s show, PERSONALS Reincarnation tuition - learning pick out cashews from mixed Brown, her cheating husband by example is the best way to nuts and feed them to his albino can someone fill me in? Are they learn - one course only - come George! Judy asks “What winged elephant. still on the island? to Transylvania on May 7 2010. are you doing at Marjorie’s Contact Chesterton Fancyspoons. You’re like a drug, I can’t get Candidates already predestined. house, you ungrateful old Ability to fly. Call the bearded enough of you. I want to take you wizard of Highbury Glen. an inject you into my veins. You Telepath Ivan your RSVP. bastard?” What indeed Judy! Missing: 99 luftballoons. Call What indeed! Nena are like heroin. You are literally Spare eye, child’s size. Cash heroin. Give me some heroin. More on land-mines from Toaster. Defunct, rusty, complete payments only. Contact Fagin. Now! Frank of Kellyville. He’s with delicious crumbs. Best offer. DEATHS willing to tell us that there’s Lost. Very ordinary hammer – if Last night I dreamt I was a turtle one hidden in the post-office Seeking punchline: joke not found please contact Thor as he with wings. What does this Ivan D. Mulchbeast and one underneath the working. needs to build some shelves, not mean? April 23 2010 entrance to the church. Fancy because it is the source of all his Widely feared on the football that! power. To the person who stole the time field and battle field alike. Is Lost. Invisibility cloak on It seems that the proof is in portal on Weir Street, please survived by innumerable spawn. countrylink line. Incredibly the pudding, quite literally! difficult to find. Looks like a chair, How to Host an Awkward return it. I am stuck in 1973. Wished to have his final words Cathy Bellows of Liverpool or a desk or whatever it happens Dinner Party kit. Comes with heard: “I am become Death, has found Fermat’s Last to be draped over. Not, crucially, inappropriate conversation cards, and shall be Risen in two score Theorem inside a big slice to be confused with regular receipts for things you shouldn’t COURSES AND PRI- weeks, all fill with Unholy Dread, of Sticky Date Pudding. chairs and desks. Call Harry. have bought, a knife to cut the the Final Stage is imminent.” tension with and a naked, fat VATE TUITION Fancy that, Cathy! And bon apetit! Asbestos plus free terminal man to burst out of the cake halfway through dessert and illness. REBIRTHS Janet, of North Ryde, has wave his penis at the guests till Courses in novelty birthday weighed in on the ‘which Publisher sought for they leave. cake messages, sky-writing and Ivan D. Mulchbeast is proud is more intuitive: cat or autobiography. Titled ‘Badgers tombstone inscriptions. No to announce his respawning, dust-mite’ debate (12/7/42 - and Windmills’. As baffling and For Sale. Pizzas. From my shop. challenge is to tall! No order too which occurred in the skies over present). “My cat is intuitive, inaccessible as it sounds! It’s a pizza shop, a real one. hard! Call Maisy S. Probably not the best form of Transylvania on May 7 2010 at but also dust-mites are approximately 3am. intuitive also.” Great input, Spinning bow-tie. Turns into advertising, I know. $10 o.n.o Learn to fly for reals! “But I don’t (but really just $10, I don’t know have wings!” Not a problem! Janet. Fran from Gordon thinks her neighbour’s hammock hangs a deluge of steaming hot liquid, you ance of the Angles to the Shepherds to too close to the ground for The Ascension and hit on the ushers should provide them with adequate until the Victory over Death and Sin. protective clothing. I believe that a comfort - maybe you should range of colourful plastic ponchos, swing by and let her know, Dear Chesteron, gloves and shower caps may now be Fran! A purchased at a reasonable price from I am hosting a dinner party and need any corner store worth its salt, and Flora and Fauna enthusiast to know the correct placement of the should serve to keep the guests from Elaine from Bankstown has cutlery. I am serving soup as an entree feeling in any way physically uncom- sent in a photo of her gerbels Matter of but also as part of the main, where fortable or psychologically humiliated. in her gerbras. Really, it’s too should the two spoons be placed in much, you’re killing us. relation to the bread-plates? Dear Mr Fancyspoons, Send your submissions to Column∞: Francis Thank you kindly for your sound yoursearchformediocrityas- Style words of reason regarding the long- [email protected] Francis, it seems you contacted me just standing confusion over from which in time! You were about to commit one side of a dinner guest one is sup- With Chesterton Fancyspoons of the most heinous faux pas imagin- posed to serve their entrée (A Matter The Garter would like to contact able for a host. Two soup spoons for of Style, 10/3/10). My guests were the following persons: two soups!? You might as well greet surprised and delighted upon finding Dear Chesterton, the very first performance where King your guests by urinating on pictures that I had avoided the conundrum George II was so moved by the power of their dead loved ones then forcing by following your advice and serving James Colley, Monica I am about to attend a performance of Handel’s oratorio that he rose to them to eat the soiled photographs from above them, suspended, bat-like, of Handel’s ‘Messiah’ and have heard his feet. The audiences of the time of before boxing their ears and ejecting as proscribed, from a purpose-built Connors, Mark Sutton, it is customary to stand at a specific course followed suit and the tradition them into the cold! serving platform, and letting forth a Carmen Culina, Henry moment. Please tell me when it is as has been passed on to the present day. torrential sluice of vol-au-vent. to avoid embarrassment! When serving soup in a main course, Hawthorne, Ben Cynthia. In accordance with the actions of the the soup is never, ever consumed with Chuck Yellowshaugh King during the first performance, a spoon! The proper method is via a Jenkins, Dave Mack and Dearest Cynthia, audiences are encouraged to excuse long straw, which should extend from I am glad to hear that my advice is of Joe Payten themselves loudly around the Prophesy the kitchen to the mouth of the guest. continued practical use to the modern You are indeed correct that it is of of the Virgin Birth to buy a choc-top, diner. custom to stand during the Hallelujah then return to your seat, having been Of course, to save your guests from Your children are waiting at the chorus. This practice dates back to drinking in the foyer from The Appear- the indiscretion of being inundated by CF check-out.

Dolores - whilst I’m aware of your artistic ambitions, this is not the appropriate place to display them - pls, the ad MUST go in this week (!!!). Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

BECOME A MEMBER! Join in person at SRC Office or SRC Bookshop YOUR VOICE phone 02 9660 5222 UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS YOUR SRC

Support & Advocacy SRC Books - Cheapest books on campus! • Centrelink Advice • Buy & sell your textbooks • Academic Appeals • Search for books online SRC website • Discontinuing/Withdrawing Wentworth Level 3 (opposite newsagent) • Students at Risk • Show Cause Emergency Loans • Exclusion • $50 emergency loans for • Tenancy Advice students in need • Fee Refunds • Harassment & Discrimination Student Publications • International Students • Honi Soit weekly newspaper • Plagiarism & misconduct see:www.src.usyd.edu.au/honisoit • Student Handbooks Free Legal Advice • Referrals Student Rights & Representation • Discrimination & Equal Opportunity SRC Representatives are directly elected by • Employment law students each year to stand up for students’ • Minor criminal matters/traffic rights on campus and in the wider community. offences/ fines • Victims of violence Find the SRC at... SRC • Debts Level 1 Wentworth down stairs Building (downstairs

under the City Rd Student Central footbridge) Wentworth Ph: 02 9660 5222 building ASK US www.src.usyd.edu.au ABOUT The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney.

• We buy & sell textbooks according to demand • You can sell your books on consignment • We are open to USYD students & the public

Search for text books online www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Eastern Av Carslaw Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability

enue and reserve a book. F Cheapest ish e r R oad Footbridge Location: Level 3, Wentworth Building Main Gate (Opposite Donut King & NAB) CITY ROAD Hours: Mondays to Fridays 9am - 4.30pm Butlin Av BOOKS Sell Buy Exchange O-Week & 1st week of semester, M-F, 9am - 4.45pm Level 3 enue Phone: (02) 9660 4756 Mereweather Wentworth BOOKS Email: [email protected] on sydney UNI campus Current second-hand text books! www.src.usyd.edu.au