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Asper The kid’s - Secret - Book of Social Rules The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome Illustrated by Jennifer Cook O’Toole Brian Bojanowski “The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a must-have resource for tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome. By exposing the ‘secret’ thinking of NTs and opening each chapter with a list of ‘need-to-knows,’ O’Toole sensitively and candidly explains the social rules that often confuse teens with Asperger syndrome. The graphics, humor and short chapters make the book lively and accessible, while O’Toole’s own experiences as an individual with Asperger syndrome help teens connect personally with her insightful, practical advice.” —Diane M. Kennedy and Rebecca S. Banks, authors of Bright Not Broken: Gifted Kids, ADHD, and Autism “The joy of knowing that the mistakes of the past have a good chance of melting away is the real, not-so-secret ingredient that makes this book shine.” —Michael John Carley, Executive Director, GRASP, ASTEP, and author of Asperger’s From the Inside Out “Asperteens rejoice! Finally someone has produced a guide to the mysteries of teenage social etiquette. Jennifer’s brilliant writing style serves up huge, life-changing advice in small, bite-sized chunks, making this an invaluable reference point for navigating the difficult path between childhood and adult life. If you’re a teenager, buy a copy. If you’re older, buy one too—it’s never too late to learn those ‘secret rules’ and apply them in your life.” —Helen Wallace-Iles, founder and director, Autism All-Stars UK, and mother of four children on the autism spectrum “Wow! This book is awesome. The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is a triumph of words, wisdom and wit. It is a fun yet oh-so-important set of keys that will help Asperkids of all ages unlock virtually every mystery the NT world holds. I love it!” —Liane Holliday Willey, author of Pretending to be Normal and Safety Skills for Asperger Women “Jennifer O’Toole has done it again. Reading this book was like dipping into a bag of wonderful treasures. A very comprehensive guide to social rules for Aspies and a brilliant reminder of just how much NTs take for granted and how hard our Asperkids have to work each day. This book serves as a ‘universal translator’ and will strengthen relationships between Aspies and NTs everywhere… Our whole family is adopting the Asperkid positivity vibe. Jennifer is like the favourite aunt and best friend we all wish we had. If I could choose one book to give to my little boy as he grows up, this would be it.” —Rebecca Mitchell, psychotherapist (MBACP), author of the blog lovingmartians.wordpress.com, and very proud mom to one Asperboy superhero and his equally amazing NT supersister “Jennifer is the queen of understanding and helping others to understand the ins and out of Asperger syndrome. In this book Jennifer hits on all of the important issues tweens and teens face and provides ways for your Asperkids to thrive during this challenging time. Learn rules like ‘to be interesting to other people, you first have to be interested in them,’ ‘one mistake does not a friendship break’, ‘being right isn’t always the most important thing, even when it feels that way,’ and so much more. As the mother of an eight-year-old with non-verbal learning disorder, ADD and SPD, this book is the first I grab to help both me and my amazing little gal. An incredible book by an incredible woman.” —Lisa Davis, MPH, creator, host, and producer of It’s Your Health Radio and It’s Your Health TV “Not only is The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules a book for Asperkid teens and tweens, it is also a book for their parents, caregivers and for anyone who grew up Aspie and wants to understand themselves and the world around them better. Being undiagnosed until in my 40s, this is the book I wish I had when I was a teenager. Thank you Jennifer, for not only making these social rules no longer ‘secret’ but for helping create a social survival guide that helps promote acceptance, enrichment, inspiration and empowerment for Asperkids everywhere!” —Karen Krejcha, Executive Director of Autism Empowerment, Aspie, GRASP 2012 DSM Award winner, and loving mom of two sons with autism and Asperger syndrome “There are so many reasons to love this book. It is kid-friendly, fun, packed with practical tips, and full of respect for those needing these tips the most. The thing I love best about it, however, is how appropriate the content is for every student, both those on the spectrum and those who are not. In fact, we can all learn something from Jennifer O’Toole’s wonderful advice on relationships, organization, learning, communication and self-respect.” —Paula Kluth, PhD, author of You’re Going to Love this Kid: Teaching Students with Autism in the Inclusive Classroom sper The A kid’s - Secret - Book of Social Rules by the same author Asperkids An Insider’s Guide to Loving, Understanding and Teaching Children with Asperger Syndrome Jennifer Cook O’Toole Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey ISBN 978 1 84905 902 2 eISBN 978 0 85700 647 9 of related interest Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome A User Guide to Adolescence Luke Jackson Foreword by Tony Attwood ISBN 978 1 84310 098 0 eISBN 978 1 84642 356 7 The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome Tony Attwood ISBN 978 1 84310 495 7 (hardback) ISBN 978 1 84310 669 2 (paperback) eISBN 978 1 84642 559 2 Aspergirls Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome Rudy Simone Foreword by Liane Holliday Willey ISBN 978 1 84905 826 1 eISBN 978 0 85700 289 1 Pretending to be Normal Living with Asperger’s Syndrome Liane Holliday Willey Foreword by Tony Attwood ISBN 978 1 85302 749 9 eISBN 978 1 84642 210 2 Asper The kid’s - Secret - Book of Social Rules The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome Jennifer Cook O’Toole Illustrated by Brian Bojanowski Jessica Kingsley Publishers London and Philadelphia First published in 2013 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers 116 Pentonville Road London N1 9JB, UK and 400 Market Street, Suite 400 Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA www.jkp.com Copyright © Jennifer Cook O’Toole 2013 Illustrations copyright © Brian Bojanowski 2013 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6–10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owner’s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher. Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data O’Toole, Jennifer Cook. The Asperkid’s (secret) book of social rules : the handbook of not-so-obvious social guidelines for tweens and teens with Asperger syndrome / Jennifer Cook O’Toole. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-84905-915-2 (pbk. format : alk. paper) 1. Asperger’s syndrome in adolescence. 2. Asperger’s syndrome--Social aspects. 3. Asperger’s syndrome--Patients--Life skills guides. I. Title. RJ506.A9O86 2012 618.92’858832--dc23 2012015213 British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978 1 84905 915 2 eISBN 978 0 85700 685 1 For Aspies of All Ages… (and especially the ones in my house) If you’re not sure whether you believe in miracles, perhaps you’ve forgotten that you are one. You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books, You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self. Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself ” Contents Acknowledgments ...........................................11 “Where was this Book When I, Like, Needed It?” ................13 Introduction: Rules, Posers and Speaking a Foreign Language ......15 Need-to-Knows: The Unspoken Rules—In Bullet Points ..........27 What You Need to Know about the Need‑to‑Knows: Making Sense of the Rules 1. How Not to Make a Light Bulb: Why Everything is Hard Before It is Easy ................................................39 2. The Potty-Training Rule: Knowing When a Thank-You is Expected. .46 3. So You Noticed a Kindness: The Technicalities of Thank You .......52 Quotealicious . 59 4. I’m Sorry: The Hardest Words to Say ..........................60 5. The “Perseverance” of “Perserverance”: Being Right vs. Being Included ...........................................66 6. Perfectly Imperfect: Congratulations, You’re Human ..............73 7. But I Wasn’t Laughing: Laughing with You vs. Laughing at You .....78 Quotealicious . 83 8. Poof ! You’re Interesting! Being Interesting by Being Interested .....84 9. Mirror! Mirror! Reflect, Reflect, Reflect ........................89 10. You’re Welcome: The Power of Compliments ...................97 Quotealicious . 102 11. Broken Spaghetti: The Benefits of Thinking Like a Wet Noodle ....103 12. Boiling the Pasta: How to Make that Flexible Thinking Thing Happen ................................................107 13.
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