The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW Le Monde de Merde JOURNALISM AND THE LUST Vol. 19, No. 1 January 30, 2010 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux Is “All Fired Up” Dr. John Will Light Krewe’s Fire KdV Parade Route and Firewalk the parade fires up at NEW ORLEANS – We didn’t start the Regionalism took on a new meaning, Royal Street Chartres & Marigny fire. But looking around the city and the as politicos in Jefferson, St. John and Royal Street country, the whole shithouse nearly did St. Tammany parishes demonstrated a go up in flames. burning desire to mimic the exploits of things really start to heat up here! Despite the best efforts of President our home-cooked (and half-baked) of- Chartres Street

Yomama and Fed Chief Burned Hankey ficials. Many will soon be facing a trial Frenchmen Street

(Indian casinos being about the only by fire. Street Toulouse Decatur Street the parade ends in a profitable enterprises around these Meanwhile, at City Hall… blaze of glory at Chartres & Elysian Fields Franklin Avenue days), the economy refused to rise from Chief Technology Punk Greg Meffert the ashes. The Cash for Clunkers pro- found himself smiling for the crime cam- gram netted only a small number of used eras. Recovery Czar Ed Blakely burned U.S. Congressmen, though we were every last bridge, but most people had Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 6:30 PM pleased to see that former LA Rep. already decided it was extraneous com- citronellas of the Krewe will burn the Krewe of PAN, Mystic Krewe of Dollar Bill Jefferson was one of them. bustion. Trash Queen Veronica White candle at both ends as they firewalk Spermes, Mystic Krewe of Comatose, The Worldwide Wrestling Federation got caught in an e-mail crossfire and went through the French Quarter and Mystic Krewe of Inane, and Krewe du sponsored heated public “discussions” on from the frying pan into the garbage can. Faubourg Marigny on Saturday, Janu- Mishigas. health insurance reform over the summer, And the city’s Masturbation Plan ary 30 at 6:30 PM. Parade-goers are Also marching will be many of the city’s but self-proclaimed “Teabuggers” created couldn’t quite get off (ditto the Pubic- advised to drink plenty of firewater and top brass bands. Showcasing the local such a firestorm that the final bill – de- Privates partnership). beware of burning sensations. brass band talent is one of many Krewe spite being over 2000 pages long – con- …for months on end… Lighting the Krewe’s fire will be King du Vieux traditions not eligible for cov- tained only one small regulatory change: Peripatetic NightMayor Ray Nagin Dr. John, who’s been known to fire one erage under the health care reform bill. being a flaming asshole is no longer con- decided to burn $1.2 million of public up and make a little whoopee himself. The Krewe du Vieux is a non-profit sidered a “pre-existing condition”. money on statues nobody wanted in a Exceptional pianisto, lyricalizer, organization dedicated to the historical “Gatecrasher-gate” also inflamed par- park nobody uses. He was hoping no- producerinator, and performanizer of and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras tisan passions in Washington. Rumors body would notice, but his plans, like New Orleans musicanity who has night- parade as a venue for individual creative that the entire episode was inspired by the domed domo himself, got Shanghaid. tripped many a night club, King Dr. John expression and satirical comment. It is Mandeville Mayor Eddie Price’s Citizens can barely wait until he gets fired. has been downright ambassadorical in unique among all Mardi Gras parades drunken antics on the Causeway could …nothing…actually…got…done. helping bring New Orleans back. He will because it alone carries on the old not be confirmed at press time. Faced with the infernal inertia of the certainly fire out many a treasure from Carnival traditions, by using decorated, On the plus side, no one bothered any elite, Krewe du Vieux decided to get the royal floatation device. hand or mule-drawn floats with satirical more to stroke the burning Bush. All Fired Up. Immersed in refried con- The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen themes, accompanied by costumed rev- There were plenty of burning issues fusion, caught in the bonfire of the inani- subkrewes will each present their own elers dancing to the sounds of jazzy street on the home front as well. Gov. Jindal ties, and burning in the Ninth Ward of flame-throwing, fire-breathing, fire-eat- musicians. We believe in exposing the got caught in the pelican’s briefs. LSU Hell, the Krewe will nevertheless rise ing, rubber-burning, love-burning, ash- world to the true nature of Mardi Gras Coach Les Miles opened up the “Tiger from the asses, walk on burning sphinc- licking, ash-kicking interpretations of the — and in exposing ourselves to the School of Time Management”, but ev- ters, demand a pubic option, and put a theme. Subkrewes include the Krewe world. eryone was late for class, and his project spell on each and every one of you. It of C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age got sidelined. And a Justice of the Peace will be such a blight! Love, Krewe of Underwear, Seeds of Krewe du Vieux Doo in Ponchatoula refused to marry inter- Like moths drawn to a flame, the fire- Decline, Krewe of Mama Roux, Krewe SATURDAY, JANUARY 30 DOORS OPEN 9:00 PM racial couples on the grounds that their bugs, fire signs, fire hosers, fire drillers, of L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips and Dis- MUSIC AT 9:30 PM children were doomed to a life of fail- fire truckers, firecrackers, gunsmokers, charges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., Knights ure. Somehow, the President never got pot smokers, pot holers, potlickers, of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue MUSIC/LOCATION/TICKET INFO the memo. politickers, hot mamas, cinder fellas, and Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., ON PAGE 2 – 1 – Dr. John: A Character’s Character Given the cast of characters he grew he substituted for his teacher at a ses- up with, it was a forgone conclusion sion at Cosimo’s, and it changed his that 2010 Krewe du Vieux King Dr. life. Ironically, the next life-changing ex- John would emerge as one of the great perience occurred when an injury to New Orleans characters of all time. his hand forced him to quit the guitar It might have started with his grand- and take up the piano, on which he has mother, a wonderful woman with a salty come a master of many styles and in- tongue whose philosophy was, “I can vented a few of his own. cuss you out with love and I can say He also started songwriting in the something hateful without cussing, so 1950s, beginning a prolific career that just listen for the love.” would fill a library full of songbooks. Might have been his dad, who sold Our salty Sultan’s musical vocation has records and fixed musicians’ equipment, taken him to every corner of the world introducing our young King to the pan- – but he’s never found another place theon of New Orleans greats from like New Orleans. Danny Barker (also former KdV roy- “In New Orleans, we just got differ- alty) to Professor Longhair. ent maneuvers,” he expostulates, “not he responds quickly, which would be that Vieux Doo thing!” Could’ve been playing those gospel like people in other places. There’s no one more reason to vote for him. Mayor Speaking of which, Priestess Miriam, shows at the Guideline Spiritual Church other place in the United States that’s King Doctor John does have kind of a Queen Mother for the parade, spiritu- in the 9th Ward with the Lastie Family, got its own culture, and we got two of ring to it… alist and healer, will indeed bring the or hanging out at Cosimo’s studio in `em, New Orleans and Southeast Loui- But really, musical ambassador and Voodoo to the Vieux Doo. The divine the glory days. siana. They meet up in all kinds of ways, Krewe du Vieux royalty are much better diviner is a Bishop of the Spiritual Church Possibly the aunt who was such a and that’s the blessing of it all.” fits for this counter-culture Carnival and proprietress of the Voodoo Spiri- great cook that every restaurant owner Between world traveling and world Count and his deep, honest love of his tual Temple and Cultural Center on in the city came over to her house to view, our Laughing Lord has lived large unique home town. North Rampart Street. Counselor to eat, and see if they could figure out her – immeasurably large. How many songs “People don’t want to hear the truth the stars, she will help the Krewe to secret recipes like stuffed steak. has he written? Can’t count ‘em. How a lot of times, but if everyone told the see stars on parade night. Maybe it was sitting around with Steel many albums has he recorded or played truth, we’d have a better planet,” he So, you better get your ass into the Chest, the sister of his guitar teacher on? About the same. How many chil- philosophicalizes. “Make do with what right place at the right time, 6:30 PM Papoose, so named because she al- dren and grandchildren? you got – it’s a beautiful way to live.” on Saturday January 30, ‘cause it’s ways had a straight razor in her bra, or “Not as many as Wardell or Jesse This is where KdV comes in. “It’s a gonna be such a night, and if you don’t Deadeye, the dude who sang with Hill,” he chuckles. “I got enough and I community service,” he proclaims. “All do it, you better believe somebody else Sonny Heron. love `em all. They keep me jumpin’ all I want is for people to have a good will – probably starting with the physi- Maybe it is the King’s personally cho- the time.” time, get their heads off all the things cian musician, King Dr. John, and his sen Queen Mother, Priestess Miriam About the only major downer along they have to think about. And I like Queen Mother, Princess Miriam. of the Voodoo Spiritual Temple – but the way, at least in recent years, was more on her majesty in a moment. the storm that must not be named. Dr. Or maybe it was just inherited, from John has been one of the real out-front Krewe du Vieux Doo Saturday, January 30 • Doors open 9:00 PM • Music starts 9:30 PM someone like his about five times great champions for the revitalization of our aunt who was tight with the original Dr. city, doing benefit concerts and record- 527 Elysian Fields Avenue between Chartres and Decatur Streets John, a voodoo healer linked to Baron ings and pushing the message about how featuring in order of appearance Samedi, the Loa associated with death important it is to bring New Orleans back. Brass Band Jam and sex (not necessarily in that order). “I was really pissed off about the way Wherever it came from, our melodi- they handled things post-Katrina, es- The Lower 911 Band with special guests ous monarch has enough stories – is pecially the excessive force and all the Late Night Music by Los Po-Boy-Citos enough stories – to more than fill up a cover-ups,” says the man who proudly ³³³ parade. snubbed Rush Limbaugh, a rare scowl TICKETS $30 As he first got really into music, King crossing his face. “The city is still miss- Available from Dr. John heard a Joe Turner record that ing so much of its community. Feels like Louisiana Music Factory • 210 Decatur Street immediately made him want to be a pi- all my places went somewhere else.” Up in Smoke • 4507 Magazine Street ano player. “Then I heard all the local Since he’s shown the kind of leader- Miss Claudia’s Vintage Clothing & Costumes • 4204 Magazine Street check our website for other possible locations and the latest info: cats playing piano, and I decided I’m ship we wish certain mayors who must www.kreweduvieux.org gonna take guitar lessons,” our defer- not be named might have shown, how ³³³ ential Duke declared. about running for the city’s highest of- A portion of the proceeds from the 2010 Krewe duv Vieux Doo will be used to pay for float repairs due to fire damage. His first professional gig was when fice? “I ain’t no goddamn politician!” – 2 – Bourbon Casts a Spell On You prospect of Dr. John becoming mayor, kling those Lucky Charms wherever has offered to donate the altars and the Corps of Engineers has conducted CONGO SQUARE – As the New Or- ever. We need ta rid City Hall of da sacristies at St. Henry’s and Our Lady levee projects. As mayor, Dr. John, who leans May-oral Erection approaches, erected skinheads, incontinent incom- of Good Counsel for worship and Voo- is fond of Night Tripping, said he would the Krewe Rue Bourbon has nominated petents, as well as da annointed dera- doo rituals. As the Archbishop lamented, incorporate “Junket Pardners”, a city- Krewe du Vieux King, Mac Rebennack dick-licks. What we need is a com- “since the Church can’t provide ad- funded travel agency to provide all tax- – aka Dr. John the Night Tripper and mon bond for all us commoners – we equately for our congregations, they can payers the opportunity to travel free to Dr. John Creaux – for Mayor of New need Voodoo!” use some novelty.” Hawaii, Cuba, and Mexico. If elected, Orleans. While Mac does not pretend The Good Doctor acknowledged that Dr. John intends “ta conflagrate the he plans to install video cameras on the to be a soothsayer, he promises to res- he has “conjured up ‘da Voodoo on populace” by making the “Anal Voo- railroads throughout New Orleans, ex- urrect the city from eight years of ve- da Bayou Ticket’” to ensure success doo Experience” a city holiday. There plaining that if cameras at intersections nality, futility, senility, sarcasm and cyni- as his erection machine, “’cause dere will be a bonfire celebration, including can stop red light runners and speed- cism come hell or high water and “Gris ain’t nuttin’ fortuitous about politics.” a pubic roasting of deadbeat politicians ers, this move would surely “stop crime the Wheels of Progress” to provide a He said that the first order of business and crooked cops, as well as some in its tracks.” future of prosperity for all. is to solve the city’s erectile dysfunc- water boarding of Ed Blakely in ab- On January 30, 2009, the Krewe Rue Dr. John officially launched his cam- tion with his new Gris-Gris enhance- sentia. In addition, Mac proposes to Bourbon will take the campaign to the paign, The Big Mac Attack, from the ment formula called Lucky Charms. move City Hall to Charity Hospital and streets of the Faubourg Marigny and basement of the Sewerage and Water Dr. John crowed that he would offi- open its doors to the homeless so “da the French Quarter to “Cast a Spell Board. As Mac explains, “Da Sewer cially abolish the separation of church council members can see for demselves on You” as its Voodoo Priests, Priest- & Water Board makes a prefect set- and state in New Orleans, and estab- how life for the homeless really is!” Mac esses, and Dolls parade with their Voo- ting ta pronounce my candidacy, since lish Voodoo as the One True Religion. also announced his desire to join forces doo altar to support Dr. John for Mayor city politicians have been unsuccessful His most fervent religious supporter, with levees.orgasm and administer the and Voodoo as New Orleans’ One True at messing wit shit and high water for- Archbishop Almond, thrilled by the Gris-Gris on the Levee Plan by sprin- Religion.

Underwear Visits Da Nint’ Ward of Hell CITY HELL – The sounds of con- pretty similar too). By chance, the “prosecutorial misconduct”. overlords into making “donations” to struction are ringing out in the Ninth Underwearians found themselves near – Eddie “the Price is Right” Price, his new “Lower, Lower, Really Lower Ward – but it’s not the Ninth Ward the underworld’s Ninth Ward – where grasping vainly (and a bit drunkenly) Ninth Ward Ministry”. of New Orleans, sad to say. they saw no small number of recog- for toys from the Mandeville Police – Aaron “The Evacuator” Broussard No, those cranes are rising in the nizable figures. Christmas Fund. and Tim “The Pensioner” Whitmer, sky over the Ninth Ward of Hell, as “You see, the Ninth Ward of Hell – “Dollar Bill” Jefferson, freezing in doing the Jefferson Parish Shakedown intrepid (not to mention slightly in- is actually a frozen lake that is re- Hell just like that cold cash he so hon- Two-Step while referring nearby sin- toxicated) members of the Krewe of served for corrupt politicians,” the orably stashed away. ners to each other’s hidden compa- Underwear recently discovered. fair fallen angel continued. “There – Greg “Smile for the Crime Cam- nies and secretly splitting the contracts. “We were driving along Dante were so many familiar faces, it was era” Meffert, trying to boss around Another revelation from the Satanic Street several drinks later, and we almost like being back home in Loui- all the junior devils and sell Satan the sojourn was that, in addition to ex- fell into this gigantic pothole,” ex- siana. And talk about a construc- “cityofhell.com” URL. pansion of its Ninth Ward, Hell is also plained a daintily demonic tion boom – they can barely keep – Ray “Screw Everybody” Nagin, erecting an entirely new development. Underwearian. “By the time we hit up the pace, with convicted Con- blaming the media, the City Council, Dedicated exclusively to insurance bottom, we were looking up at ol’ gressman, other felonious federal the state government, the federal gov- company executives and claim ad- Satan himself. officials, prison-bound parish presi- ernment, the United Nations, the In- justors, it will be the first zone of the “Luckily we all had on our red un- dents, grafting governors, misappro- ternational Federation of Planets, the underworld to have a title sponsor: derwear, and he took to us right away. priating mayors and the like drop- Big Bang, and a vast, white, inter- The Allstate Tenth Ward of Hell. Turns out he’s a pretty nice guy – a ping down every day.” Cosmic conspiracy for all his troubles Upon their return from Hades, the regular Beelzebubba – and he gave Among the tortured political souls while a band of demons played “Oh, underworldly Underwearians were us the Fifty Cent tour.” encountered by the undulating It Ain’t My Fault” on his icy noggin. seen partying wildly. When asked why One surprising revelation was that, Underwearians was a regular Loui- – Rev. Benjamin “Stealing in the by a puzzled observer, one slightly contrary to popular belief, Hell is not siana Hell of Shame: Name of the Lord” Edwards, fresh singed celebrant exclaimed, “Hell is composed of rings but of wards, much – Edwin “the Silver Zipper” from sliding down a broken Sewer- frozen over – this can only mean the like the City of New Orleans (the Edwards, still proclaiming his inno- age and Water Board pipe to the Saints are going to the Super Bowl!” heat, humidity and leadership are cence and blaming St. Peter for netherworld, trying to bully his fiendish – 3 – Mystick Krewe of Comatose Reveals Jindal Drops the Pelican’s Briefs

PLUME ROUGE – In another em- and living with egrets in a metal cage “I can tell you all that she was vio- the state’s nuthatch. barrassment for Louisiana, it was re- for a long time if I put him away!” lated as badly as our wetlands and I More allegations are bound to tern cently disclosed that high flying Bobby The oversized checks that the Guv predict she’ll sing like a canary when up as the identity of the pelican sur- Jindal, the state’s bird-brained chief was handing out all over the Pelican this goes to trial.” faces. The soiled briefs of the virginal executive, was recently caught hav- State were, in fact, hush money for Bestiality was never expected from bird had the nametag of “Seymore ing sex with a brown pelican. The sor- the small towns and churches with a a Governor who anguished over cock- D. Fair” sewn into them, leading in- did affair only came to light when bird’s-eye view of his crimes. They fighting. The tremendous pressure of vestigators to believe she is the flya- “Bobby the Boobie” Jindal was caught watched like hawks and were the first balancing the Bayou State’s budget way daughter of our 1984 World’s trying to pay for the seedy motel room to warble when they smelled some- as a clever Republican while fluffing Fair Mascot! with a gigantic check, his headline- thing fishy. Even the stool pigeons came his nest with Senator Mary Landrieu’s Such a dalliance must certainly spell grabbing payment of choice. out of their duck blinds after this out- hard-won cash may have driven him doom for a Governor hell-bent on “I thought it was OK because rageous bit of pluck by the sparrow- into the pelican’s briefs. robin the State and spreading Cre- they’re no longer on the endangered sized executive. Louisiana State auditors suspect that ationism, abstinence-only programs species list,” the mullet-sporting Gov- “The young pelican has been through the birdseed money cut from the health and Christian fundamentalism while ernor protested as Pelican Parish of- a lot but should recover,” Audubon care budget may have been used for violating the State bird, impeding health ficials led him away in shackles. Zoo veterinarians told authorities in silk sheets and feather beds found in care reform and lowering higher edu- “Bobby has always been a dodo the hospital waiting room. “It’s go- his love nest atop the Governor’s cation. for big-mouthed birds,” his spokes- ing to take weeks to get all the lip- mansion. This caused further squawk- Such a pencil-dick proselytizer de- woman admitted during an emergency stick off her and finish processing the ing from critics of his hunt and peck serves a nickname: Screwmore D. press conference. “We were discuss- rape kit but then she’ll start the heal- approach to mental health funding, State! ing flight paths and other legal mat- ing,” one nurse added. especially those he tried to banish to Look for him on the Comatose float! ters with the Attorney General and when I mentioned the Pelican Briefs, our high-flying Rhodes Scholar grabbed his crotch and ran into the LEWD Ignites Fire in the Holes Sexperts have concluded that pro- executive bathroom.” fessional intervention is required, but Shagging a pelican this size had to DEN OF FUSES – As the year be- The LEWDers have thought long could not agree on the cure. Suppress- require assistance from other devi- gan, the Krewe of LEWD was in and hard about these events and have ing these fires could be a job for a ants, and the State Police are wid- mourning for poor Fannie Mae and come to the conclusion that they like gynecologist, a proctologist, or the ening their net in the search for ac- Uncle Sam. They had fallen victim long and hard things. Mr. Inferno con- Fire Department. All have interest- complices. State of Louisiana to an act of God. Krewe spokes- tinued, “We realize that it could have ing sets of tools for the job. Desiring helicopter pilot “Bluejay Blitzer” is man Sparky Inferno stated, “When been a lot worse. Sure our float was release, Lady LEWD will be eagerly being booked as an accessory to the it comes to the hand of God, one completely consumed by fire, but we visiting them all. The gynecologist will crime of ducking radar and transport- hand giveth and one hand taketh found out there are worse conflagra- speculumate what the cause may be ing underage birds across State lines. away. A 19-yard field goal attempt tions when we were scorched by ‘Fire and attempt to douche the fire. Next, “We found large amounts of guano going wide right thus preserving a in the Holes.’” the proctologist will bear down on in the chopper’s passenger area plus 13-game winning streak is one hand It appeared that the raven haired the problem and probe more deeply buckets of fish, caviar and pornog- giving. An electrical fire in the Krewe Lady LEWD had contracted a rag- into this enemamatic infection. To cli- raphy” Prosecutor Jim Smutten told du Vieux Den is one hand taking ing case of carnally communicable max, the Fired-Up Department will the press. “I think we’ve got a bird- away. Fannie Mae definitely took contagions. These ailments have mani- utilize their prowess at hose-handling cage-tight case against him.” some liberties with Uncle Sam, but fested themselves in the woeful and direct a high pressure stream into The sniping media circled this story he seemed to like it. Their victim- woman’s holes resulting in what can her holes, hopefully extinguishing the like vultures and begged him to car- less coupling seemed unlikely to draw only be described as a case of Fire blaze and relieving Lady LEWD of rion: “This chicken shit politician is ire from on high. Yet in Gomorrah- in the Holes. Over the counter oint- her burning problem. cuckoo and committed a cardinal sin like fashion, they paid for their dal- ments, unctuous unguents, erotic emol- The Lady and the LEWDers will when he goosed that bird,” Smutten liance and were reduced to smol- lients, bawdy balms have all been un- bask in the afterglow at the Krewe declared. “He’ll be crunching millet dering cinders.” successful at quenching the hotspots. du Vieux parade on January 30.

– 4 – New Orleans Phoenix nix apparently developed the ability to rise above the asses and recreate TV Listings Rises From The Asses itself independently, through its own Faux News Network determination.” Before driving off in Saturday, January 30 BIRDLAND – An expedition from the ingly, he consulted with an expert from her Firebird, Professor deGris also 7:30 P.M./6:30 Central Audubon Nature Institute, financed by a local university. opined that, like its legendary coun- The New Orleans Liar’s Club the Krewe of K.A.O.S., has discov- “Fortunately, we were able to find terpart, the New Orleans Phoenix will presents ered a flock of birds previously be- a professor of mythology at the Metairie live for 1,000 years. lieved to have existed only in legend. campus of the University of Phoenix Dr. Burdz has refused to disclose Mayor C. Ray Nagin’s The expedition, led by C. D. Burdz, to assist us,” explained Dr. Burdz. That the location of the Phoenix colony, other Farewell Roast…in Hell! Ph.D., recently discovered a colony expert, Ugetta Chepe deGris, is the than to say that it is somewhere in the America’s Vagina Friendly mayor gets of Phoenixes living on the Mississippi defending Dungeons and Dragons New Orleans area. “We have looked literally skewered by the acid-tongued River batture, somewhere in the New champion for the state of Louisiana into it and have been dismayed to find comedy of such D-List stars as Bob Orleans area. and the author of two Wikipedia ar- that Louisiana law does not provide a Saget, Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin and The discovery was quite unexpected, ticles, one on Phoenixes and the other hunting season or limits for Phoenixes,” Dr. Ed Blakely. Roastmaster Jim Letten as Dr. Burdz’ expedition was actually on Unicorns. he advised. “We are concerned that will recount outlandish but true stories searching for another legendary crea- Professor deGris explained that the if their location were divulged, it would of the Clown Prince of Chocolate City’s ture. “We have heard rumors for sev- legend of the Phoenix has been around not be long before the Phoenixes all hilarious misadventures as he looks for eral years now that there would be for centuries. “While there are varia- found their way into a gumbo pot or ways to learn city management from ‘cranes in the sky’ over New Orleans,” tions in the myth, the core belief is that someone’s deep fryer.” his new pals Rafael Castro and Kim Dr. Burdz said. “However, to date, the Phoenix is a supernatural creature, The Emir of K.A.O.S. will proudly Jong-Il. Banqueters will dine on Loui- there have been absolutely no sightings living for 1000 years. Once that time display the Phoenix colony for its first, siana Chef Paul Prudpig’s specially of this species and we were unable to is over, it builds its own funeral pyre, and likely only, public appearance at prepared Cochon de Ray, Crawfish find any evidence of their existence. and throws itself into the flames. As it the upcoming Krewe du Vieux parade Veronica, Oysters Meffert, Coquilles But, while searching for them, we were dies, it is reborn anew, and rises from to be held on January 30. K.A.O.S. St. Pierre and Frozen Peas à la quite surprised to discover a nesting the ashes to live another 1000 years.” also plans to publicly acknowledge the Jefferson plus a sampling of fine choco- colony of Phoenixes.” Professor deGris went on to explain many asses who made this develop- lates for dessert. Rated “R” for CRUDE The Burdz expedition discovered the that the Phoenix species discovered ment possible. behavior and nudity. colony after 42 days in the field. Co- by the Burdz expedition is somewhat incidentally, there are 42 Phoenixes different from that of legend. “The New living in the colony discovered by the Orleans variant was apparently de- Corrections and Clarifications Burdz expedition. “This has to be more stroyed by flood waters and has the We reported last year that ex-Congressman “Dollar” Bill Jefferson’s mailman had than a mere coincidence,” said Dr. ability to ‘rise from the asses,’ ” she been indicted. While it was true that he was apprehended delivering sacks of money, Burdz, “given the mystical nature of explained. “Those asses are the indi- the delivery was in fact intended for Dollar Bill’s brother, Mose “Def” Jefferson, but the the Phoenix, I can only conclude that viduals, so-called ‘public servants’, Post Office had directed the cash to the wrong address. the number 42 must have some cos- who have done so much to hamper An advertisement claimed that the Blakely “Cranes in the Hair” salon would open mological significance.” the City’s recovery from the effects soon. This should have been the Blakely “Foot in the Mouth” veterinarian clinic. Reached at his Winter Palace near of Hurricane Katrina and the flooding The Mama Roux article stated that “the economy will rise again.” It should have been Pontiac, Michigan, the Emir of from the failure of the federal levees made clear that this referred to the Chinese economy, not American. K.A.O.S., whose Royal Ornithology that followed the hurricane.” We reported that alleged Mayor Ray Nagin had been in Switzerland the past two Institute financed the Burdz expedi- “No ordinary collection of asses years. Actually, he was Down Under – but not far enough. tion, suggested that the number 42 could have given rise to a creature of would play “an important part in the such power,” explained Professor A recent announcement that Nagin will be answering questions about what the future of New Orleans.” However, the deGris. “Rather, what we have seen Mayor of New Orleans does on the “Not My Job” segment of “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” always enigmatic Emir refused to here following these dual disasters is is not true. The show’s producers are seeking a participant who actually knows what elaborate further. an unprecedented concentration of the Mayor of New Orleans is supposed to do. Because the Phoenix has always been profound asses. Their names should The Krewe of Underwear wishes to clarify that there is no connection between the considered a creature of myth, Dr. be familiar to anyone who has followed Underwearians and the UnderBomber. Krewe spokesman BVD Haynes stated, “There Burdz realized that his ornithological the local news reports over the past is a huge difference between getting bombed while parading in your underwear and training might be of limited utility in un- four and a half years. In response to wearing a bomb in your underwear. We’re more than willing to be strip-searched at any derstanding these creatures. Accord- their presence, the New Orleans Phoe- time.”

– 5 – Mishigas Strokes the Burning Bush MIDIAN, LOUISIANA – After get- explained, “I was thinking to myself, severe case of tinnitus. MAY DELIVER THEM BLUES.” ting caught in a pyramid scheme in 2007, ‘I’m in the right place…but it must be “I thought it wanted me to stroke the And then Dr. Yonatan asked, “What Dr. Moshe Yonatan took a gig herding the wrong time of the month.’” Burning Bush.” said Dr. Yonatan. “It’s about pop and Zydeco? The people his mom’n’em’s Yats down by the fer- Witnesses reported that Yonatan a fine bush and all but that bush was so need them too!” tile crescent city. One fine day down in looked like he was about to get a plate hot it was on fire.” And the voice boomed, “YES, DE- the bayous of Midian, Dr. Yonatan was of never-ending crawfish when he heard “NO, YONATAN” The voice in- LIVER TO THE PEOPLE POP AND called to set his people free from en- a voice that seemed to come from in- sisted. “STOKE THE BURNING ZYDECO BUT IF YOU ASK FOR nui. On that day, as he was spooning side the bush. BUSH.” ONE MORE THING I’M GOING up some of Mamma Yonatan’s gumbo, “YONATAN,” the bush said. But still Yonatan did not understand. TO DIS, DAT AND D’UDDA YOUR one of the younger Yats wandered away “Say what?” he replied. “Then I thought it said ‘Poke the burn- ASS SO BAD YOU’LL NEVER from the flock and Dr. Yonatan followed. “YONATAN. TAKE OFF YO’ ing bush’” Dr. Yonatan explained. MAKE WHOOPEE AGAIN!” The scat Yat played a cat and mouse HAT,” it said. “That’s some of the best bush I have Wondering of how he was going to game running past Babylon to Bonnaroo, “I looked around suspiciously think- ever seen but like I said, it was on fire! deliver the voice’s message, Dr. trippin’ all the way. ing that I was just being heckled. Oy- I was afraid it would burn my Guilded Yochanan ventured one final question Turning the corner of Who-Dat and ko, Oy-ko!” Dr. Yonatan explained, “I Splinter off.” for the Voice in the Bush. Iberville, he came upon a wondrous sight: thought I must be hearing things.” The burning bush then gave Dr. “I’m gonna need some horns; I don’t In the afterglow of the Creole moon he Other witnesses claimed to hear the Yonatan his mission. In a loud and boom- have any brass…” And the voice re- came upon a pot of boiling crawfish that voices coming from the flames as well. ing voice the bush said, “I SHALL GIVE plied, “I’LL GET SOME ANGELS somehow was always full. A little far- “YONATAN…YONATAN, STOKE YOU MY BOOGIE AND MY TO TAKE CARE OF THAT. JUST ther on, there he saw a mound rising THE BURNING BUSH! it said.” Flo- WOOGIE AND YOU SHALL DE- LET MY PEOPLE BLOW.” from the waters of the Mississippi. rence MacGoyim, a resident of Bliss, LIVER THEM TO MY PEOPLE.” Although the bush has not spoken since As the mound rose from the waters, LA, declared, “It wasn’t talkin’ to me And Dr Yonatan inquired, “What that memorable day, the members of it opened up like a set of long shapely so I kept on eatin’ crawfish from da about jazz?” Krewe du Mishigas will be stoking this legs revealing a full and gorgeous bush. magic pot.” Then voice said, “YES, YOU MAY historical artifact around the Faubourg Lovely bushes are not so unusual in this Further probing revealed that Yonatan DELIVER THEM JAZZ.” Marigny and the French Quarter on Sat- part of town, but this particular bush did not hear the voice’s command be- And Dr. Yonatan asked, “What about urday, January 30. Listen to the bush was engulfed in flames. In other words, cause he had been at a Saints home blues? The people need blues too.” carefully - you never know what might it was FIRED UP! As Dr. Yonatan later game the week before and still had a Then the bush said, “YES, YOU come from her fiery lips!

KSAL Experiences “Deep Fried Confusion” HELL’S KITCHEN – ‘Twas the week spoil the pot and did indeed know the total loss of memory. Pratt Dumbo Vitamin F’D, Blakely’s before Super Bowl and the Dr. was ingredients that were secret no more. To ensure the Lovers would be in Sponges and Betty Jefferson’s Public in the house. The Night Tripper was The recipe consisted of myriad Big The Right Place and not the Wrong Dope Test to the Crescent City. preparing his special Hoodood Gumbo Easy highly impotent greediants. The Time, advice was given to start with The Lovers returned to the lair of for a night when The Shoo Fly Marches Krewe was warned each greedient by Eddie Price Primo and Rum Soup, ac- the Night Tripper and he proclaimed On once again. His Krewe of con- itself is not good and is not the Same companied by Cynthia Hedge Morrel it was time to put these greediants on fused Lovers were sent to gather his Old Same Old gumbo; however, prop- Kool-Aid and Ellenese Crooks-Simms the pot, or rather in the pot. Primo secret ingredients (secret because no erly mixed the Hoodood Gumbo will School Louse Biscuits. It was also soup was ladled, the Kool-Aid took one remembered them) from the result in total “Deep Fried Confusion”. suggested a good steal, or rather meal, hold, a little Gris Gris was added, and Bywaters of New Orleans hoping to However, if not mixed in secrecy, it should also end with a good dessert, the Hoodood Gumbo was shared with find someone who was Qualified to may result in incarceration or Just the such as Pampy Barré Magic Brown- the citizens of the Big Easy. make dat gumbo with the good Dr. Same old gumbo. Recommended ies or Jim Letten Gotcha cookies. On this night of January 30, 2010 His Krewe of Lovers searched high greediants included Greg Meffert Mush- All Greediants were purchased and the Lovers would not feel the Cold and low and high again until they found rooms, Edwin Headwin Buds, Oliver the Lovers left the Hoodoo Shop with Cold Cold of the night as they as they Queen Miriam’s Hoodoo Voodoo Thomas Skunk Bags, and the Doobie gifts for the Deep Fried and Confused chanted Peace Brother Peace, and the Shop of special New Orleans enhance- Brothers – Bill and Mose Jefferson – Citizens of New Orleans. Feeling good French Quarter was given new Life ments. Queen Miriam cautioned the Money Plants (found primarily in cold and in a special Traveling Mood, they once again. lovers that too many crooks would environments). Side effects may include were ready to bestow the gifts of Renée

– 6 – Krewe of Spermes Demands a Pubic Option NEWCUM COLLEGE – With so port in swinger states. Rep. Anh “Your Others have a more sentimental at- the Universe Ernest K-Doe, proudly many privates uncovered, the Krewe Back” Cao, Vietnamese sex swing tachment to the old Charity system. claimed they were born at Charity, of Spermes has come out hard for mogul and New Orleans Republican, While many area musicians, includ- in fact, many were conceived there the Pubic Option. broke party lines to vote for the Pu- ing Dr. John and former Emperor of as well. “Pubic assistance is part of the so- bic Option. “There’s an old saying in cial disease contract,” said Dr. Ray my home country,” he explained. “’Me Gene Johnson, Chief Staff of the love you long time.’” Music Section Tulane School of Pubic Health and GOP Sen. David Shitter has long Topical Medicine. “People used to held that citizens must pay for sex, Musicologists have long insisted that true Blues music must exist within certain rely on resources such as Bourbon and he opposes the Pubic Option. defined parameters. The Blues can take place in only certain locations, like Street bars, bath houses, glory holes “I am tired of these free-loaders,” the delta, the crossroads or a smoky bar. There are a limited number of blues and graduate students for no-hassle, Shitter unloaded via cell phone when vehicles – like old Chevys and pickup trucks – and blues names, like Little meaningless sex. But we need to ex- contacted by Le Monde du Merde. Willy, Sadie, and Big Mama. pand access, reduce coverage, and “I have a very messy issue on my hands. Blues drinks, these experts claim, are whiskey and beer; blues clothing is lay it out for everyone.” People should lay off the Senate and oil-stained shirts and jeans; blues activities are fights, running from the law, The Pubic Option sparked contro- go back to making House calls.” hitching rides, breaking up, being down, hanging on, and more fights. versy last summer at Town Hole meet- While the Pubic Option awaits a fi- Blues songs are written by hard-scrabble, hard-working, hard-drinking, hard- ings across the nation. An asstroturf nal up and down vote, New Orleanians loving, hard-fighting men whose names usually include a physical ailment, a movement of self-proclaimed are still suffering the ravages of Hurri- fruit and the name of a dead president. Think Blind Lemon Jefferson. “Teabuggers” vigorously mouthed dis- cane Katrina. “We need to reopen the The recent economic downtown, however, has opened up the genre to an approval and delivered severe tongue Charity Fuck Clinic,” said a Spermes entire new class of blues experiencers and practitioners, as evidenced by the lashings to pubic officials. Social con- member who asked for any available following example of what some writers are calling the Blue-Blood Blues. servatives feared that widely avail- phone numbers or emails. The Suburban Preppy Blues able pubic assets would allow the bot- While many in the city have returned by Tennis Elbow Cumquat Eisenhower toms to drop out of the meat markets. to a steady supply of regular and ir- (slow but slightly amped blues tempo) Allied with various sex-for-pay lob- regular sex, many others have been Spilled my latte on my chinos in my Volvo byists and clergy groups, they main- left with burning sensations by pri- On my way down to the Greenwich Country Club tain that personal asses should be pri- vates contractors. They want a re- Yeah, I spilled my latte on my chinos in my Volvo vately held. turn to the Charity Fuck system, in As I was headin’ down to the Greenwich Country Club Pubic Citizen founder and longtime which the hard up could get reliable Guess I’ll just cruise on back to my condo advocate for the pubic interest Ralph mercy sex. “You used to be able to Grill some salmon with a wasabi ginger rub Nadir lobbied hard for government ac- head to the ER (Erection Room) and I used to own a mansion on the fairway tion. “It just makes sense,” he whined. get immediate relief,” one Spermes ‘Til the market sank my trust fund all the way “You’re getting taxed out the wazoo, donor said. Yeah, I used to have a mansion on the fairway shouldn’t you at least get serviced?” Charity Fuck Clinics have been the ‘Til that bear market sank my trust fund all the way Louisiana Sen. Mary Glandrieu has historical backboner of the state’s pu- And my wife, she ran off with the nanny been teasing pubic opinion about her bic assistance programs. Downtown’s Left me with a warm bottle of chardonnay favorite position. Bi-partisan advo- 150 vibrating-bed clinic provided ori- You know I slapped a man up in Westport cates have accused her of saying she’s fice visits with trained professionals, ‘Cause he wouldn’t call my sailboat a yacht open to anything while privately ac- and follow up care with nubile women Yeah, I hadda slap a man up in Westport cepting only lobbyists in her orifice. in the adjoining School of Wet Nurs- ‘Cause he wouldn’t call my sailboat a yacht They have called for an independent ing. The menu of services included But when I got the bill from his orthodontist probe. Glandrieu denies giving the sponge baths, latex glove treatments, Nearly choked on the pit of my apricot Pubic Option lip service or blue balls. throat cultures, colonoscopies, happy My girl Heather she don’t wanna go to Yale “It has to be about job creation,” endings, sack gargling, pile drivers, In fact, she ain’t even gonna try Glandrieu said. “Good jobs: blow rusty trombones, reverse cowgirl rides, Yeah, my baby girl Heather she ain’t going up to Yale jobs, hand jobs, rim jobs. Not just a and breast exams. Now, many locals In fact, she ain’t even gonna try hand out.” complain that the only things rising Guess I’ll just go on out to the tennis court The Pubic Option has solid sup- are premiums, while privates clinics Lay my polo-shirted ass down on the baseline and die port in blue states and increasing sup- often result in premature discharges.

– 7 – Into my dreams to havoc wreck Exorcism Planned for D&D NightMayor And if he does, I’ll break his neck. ELM STREET – All over New Or- destructive than the regular kind: they syrup from New Orleans. Count Nagula, I want my pleasant dreams returned leans, members of the Krewe of Drips provide more sugar for the infections such a NightMayor – how do you ex- And Count Nagula’s spoutings and Discharges are being jolted from to eat. orcise a vampire?” spurned. sleep, night after night, over and over. Another Drip was dreaming of our This revelation led one of the newly A great leader is what we need Lack of sleep has plagued them through- illustrious NightMayor trapped in China minted Drips to suggest that the Krewe Not a creep who our city bleeds. out this long, hard winter, due to hor- with the wife and a couple of body look into the services of a local exor- We need no faux pas spouting rific dreams that are affecting all mem- guards, in quarantine. “Why did he need cist who is known to remove unwanted pompous ass bers. body guards in China?” he mused, “do haints and demons with some ability. We need a Mayor who has some At the recent Brewe Doo, Drips com- they want to knock him off over there, Subsequently, the services of Christina class pared notes on their collective midnight too? Or does swine flu come in choco- Roseacea, noted Ninth Ward exorcist So cast your vote wisely, fellow malady and decided to seek help so late? Could we pay the Chinese to keep and bar Poetess Laureate, were ob- Drips, they could survive until the annual Krewe him?” tained to help deal with the NightMayor And work hard to bring a winner du Vieux stumble through the French “Oh yeah,” another Drip added, problem. The exorcism is planned for home. Quarter. They sought the help of the “there’s the Mexican vacation, Hawaiian Saturday, January 30, 2010. Christina We need a winner on Perdido Street! renowned Dr. Johnny Cockring, Chair vacation, trips to Florida, Washington, has written a new exorcism spell for Not just a winner in the Dome! of the P.U. Psychiatry Department. New York, West Coast, Dallas – does the date and reports that if it doesn’t Many Drips shared their tortuous he ever stay in New Orleans? I can’t work that night, it’s definitely going to EXORCISM CHANT nightly dreamscapes in individual ses- even take a trip to Westwego in this work on election day, February 6, 2010. Close his mouth with Super Glue sions with Dr. Cockring. When he com- economy and the NightMayor never On his words he’ll have to chew No longer will he cause us pain pared notes, it became obvious that the stays home. His chocolate money must EXORCISM OF No longer will he rake in gain members of D&D were all suffering the be worth a lot more than mine.” SUCH A NIGHTMAYOR BEGONE from us forever-more! same horrible dreams (with minor varia- “I don’t think he’s human,” Dr. Anony- By Christina Roseacea tions due to sexual orientation and ac- mous observed, “I think he’s a vam- When I lay me down to sleep BE GONE YOU, f***ing tivities, hormonal swings, alcohol con- pire. He’s sure sucking the chocolate I do not want that jerk to creep NIGHTMAYOR!!! sumption, and other chemical indulgences). Dr. Cockring suggested INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY to the Drips that perhaps group hyp- Dear Friend, nosis was in order. I am an Iraqi citizen who has been working with your government ever since you came to my country six years ago Sure enough, once in an altered state, on your quest for buried treasure. As you know, despite investing bazillions of dollars and killing tens of thousands of the Drips soon began to share their night- my countrymen, you have not been able to find this treasure. mares. “It’s him,” Drips Captain I. Lean- Over began to shout. “He did it. It’s Now, just as your troops are leaving my country, I myself have found these buried treasures, or as I think you call not nightmares – it’s a NightMayor.” them “Weapons of Mass Destruction”. Since I no longer have American contacts, I sincerely need your help to get Ms. Lean-Over then described a this treasure to America, because the WMD will not fit in the ruins of my humble hut. nocturnal fright session where every- I choose you because you live in swampy city of New Orleans and I live in the blackwater village of Now Obliter- thing was brown. “The streets were ated. This happy coincidence must mean you I can trust. I also hear your politicians are honest like Iraqi leaders. brown, the houses were brown, the trees were brown, the flowers were brown, I have a cousin who works in our financial industry here (he has a VERY prominent location on the corner of Chaney Mitch Landrieu was brown, my eyes and Rummy streets), and he can help us deposit this treasure in any bank of your choice. Preferably on Wall Street. were brown!” He and I only want ten percent of the WMD (we are planning to take a trip to Iran this year); all the rest are yours. “Dr. Anonymous,” former D&D My cousin says we can also deposit this treasure in Crawford, Texas, or anywhere in Wyoming. leader (and Krewe den landlord), com- mented that even though the city seemed In order to have this fabulous treasure for you, I need only your bank account number, your social security number, to be made of chocolate in his dream your driver license number, your PayPal account number, your Saddam’s Club membership number, and your sister’s as well, it was milk chocolate and the phone number. gunshot victims in his emergency room I am so much hoping that you will want this treasure in America and you will respond to me before my other cousin in were not spared any trauma, as the Pakistan comes to steal it. Please contact me at the email of [email protected]. cocoa butter bullets were even more

– 8 – Crossword Puzzle

ACROSS 39 Call the plumber krewe 7 Krewe at round table 37 Astral sex krewe 2 “Such a ______40 The Den of ______8 Piyush name change 38 Hippy tea 6 French friend 42 Inane journalists 10 Coconut parade 40 Got my ______workin’ 9 Den calamity last August 48 Den store’s name 11 “under a ______moon” 41 Medical “immediately” 13 KdV beast of burden 51 Prof. Longhair nickname 12 This year’s theme 43 Pedal pusher krewe 15 Symbol for silver 52 Art movement 14 A long, long, way to run 44 Homonym for “Q” drug krewe 16 Dr. John plays it 54 Former kvetcher krewe 17 French “me” 45 Mile high club 17 Our King’s first name 57 Slave driver propulsion krewe 19 Sweet magnolia under the ______46 “ain’t got no hair” 18 King’s favorite soup 59 3.1416 22 Clueless krewe 47 Floozie instrument 20 City council wannabe in KdV 60 Michalopoulos hooch 23 Dr. John’s 1968 debut album 49 Pinch da tail, suck da ______21 Our heroes last August 61 Symbol for arsenic 24 Torpid krewe 50 Dem crabs, are they ______? 25 Jack black’s krewe 27 Dey all ______for you 53 Our Queen 26 First ya gotta make a ______DOWN 28 Symbol for gold 55 KdV throw krewe 1 The number of muses 29 Victoria’s Secret krewe 56 Covert lead man in parade 30 “the hard way” in the casino krewe 3 Cloud nine krewe 31 Sesame krewe 58 2716 Royal, enter in ______31 Motility krewe 4 Symbol for nickel 34 Color of Dr. John’s Indian 32 French for “shit” 5 King’s left ______injured by 35 Moving camera krewe Answers on page 11 33 Dr. John, the ______gunshot 36 Show me your ______

– 9 – Thirteenth Player Appreciation Day for Saints Fans

THE END ZONE – Tom Benson, or what she looks like, but without her, to hire Kris Angel to help them out.” ing, fans here in New Orleans are be- team owner of the Saints, has pro- I tell you none of this would have been Benson laughed. “Maybe he will make coming more and more curious as to claimed that Saturday, January 30, possible. You see, she is our very own their defense disappear.” the identity of their Thirteenth Player. 2010, will be known as Thirteenth home grown New Orleans voodoo While NFL officials have yet to com- Some speak of fifty yard line rituals Player Appreciation Day for all Saints priestess, whose spells and incanta- ment on this new supernatural trend before and after games, all involving fans. tions have made this a season to re- that is sweeping the League, sources chickens, machetes, Crystal hot sauce At a press conference this morning, member. So, let’s hear a “VOODAT!” say that they are so pleased with the and six packs of Abita beer. But Saints Benson proclaimed “The team of As mentioned in last month’s Sports great success of the Saints team this fans are cautioned not to perform these course thanks its ‘twelfth player,’ the Illustrated, there has been widespread year, they are considering making the rituals at home without a proper loyal fans who provide their support speculation that the New England Pa- position a formal one for all teams, Grimoire and a bottle of holy water in year after year. But the great success triots use a Salem witch as their advi- akin to a team doctor. The Washing- case things go amiss. we have seen this season is due to a sor and strategist. When asked to com- ton Redskins are reputed to be hiring Krewe of PAN will celebrate in their new and brilliant addition to our team. ment about these rumors regarding the a Native American shaman; the San best VOODAT fan wear on Thirteenth It might have been just another typi- New England franchise, Mr. Benson Francisco 49ers are negotiating with Fan Celebration Day, and spread the cal Saints season if it weren’t for our said: “Obviously, their witch was no an entire wiccan clan; and the New gospel of the New Orleans voodoo Thirteenth Player. match for our priestess. Just look at York Jets and Giants are competing magic which has brought the Saints “This individual never gets any playing the score. Ha. And you should have for the services of the ghost of leg- their best season in franchise history. time, but makes every practice, eats seen her after the game. She jumped endary union leader Jimmy Hoffa, who Great dark spells against teams play- with the team and never misses a game. on her broom and flew out of here is rumored to be buried under the ing the Saints, and love potions of She never wears a jersey, but she like a bat out of, well you know where. Meadowlands end zone. various strengths, will be given out by spends each and every game on the And, as for Indianapolis, I’m sure the As teams rush to find that magical the Krewe to the believing, along with sidelines. You will never know her name Dolts, I mean the Colts, are looking edge the Saints are currently enjoy- Gris-Gris bags.

CRAPS Walks on Burning Sphincters SALTPETER STREET – Once upon that members of the krewe gradually walk on gilded splinters with the king nearly drowning them in hot shit. a time, in the French Quarter of New developed the ability to talk to these of the Zulu! A Man from the North (Shore) burst Orleans, many Carnivals ago, a new many species; this may be true given One hot summer evening, under a through gates, careening at them through baby was born to the infamous Krewe their inclination to Doolittle other than hoodoo moon, fired-up members of the the flames, swigging alcohol and spew- du Vieux, which had already been party (a common attribute of Quarter krewe snuck into the Den of Muses, ing lies. In the smoke, an army of false spreading its irreverent seed for more and Marigny residents). there to practice these audacious ad- prophets ranged to protect a Dollar Bill, than a decade of decadence. But as the infant grew older, its am- ventures. Imagine their joy when fire but chains fell upon him anyway. A Man The baby proclaimed its name to be bitions changed, along with its diapers. actually broke out in the Den! They had in Blue appeared in the flames and while CRAPS; it is unclear, in the mists of Now in its upper teens, the adolescent chanced upon a real opportunity to walk bullets flew around them, he made num- historical legend and hangover, whether krewe became fascinated by the New through the fire (not to mention inhale bers dance a demonic waltz to show this appellation related to a certain in- Orleans tradition of voodoo. Its inter- some free smoke)! that there really were no bullets and all escapable bodily function, to an obso- est in the mysterious religion grew ever In their ecstasy, visions appeared to was perfectly safe. Horrified, the krewe lete Faubourg Marigny street name, to stronger with the anointment of the fabu- them. Maybe they were gifts from the members jumped back through the a corruption of the French “crepes” lous Doctor John, the Night Tripper, Loa, maybe products of their own fe- flames. eaten at Mardi Gras, or to a well known as King of Krewe du Vieux for 2010 vered imaginations. Rising up from the The intrepid CRAPpers escaped the game of chance involving the red dice and of Priestess Miriam as his Queen ground, as from the dead, they saw their inferno backwards, with little injury ex- often featured on the krewe’s banners. Mother. mayor desert the city to gallivant around cept to their burned and blistered bot- During its childhood, the krewe ex- And so the members of CRAPS de- the globe, only to end up Shanghaied. toms, butts and bushes. Collapsing on hibited a strong affinity for the animal veloped new burning ambitions: to walk They saw a Man from the West sur- the ground, with legs too weak to hold kingdom, appearing on the streets on though the fire and fly through the rounded by cranes that filled the sky; them, they made it home, and then on various occasions uniformly dressed as smoke, to see their enemies at the end when they reached out to him, though, to the 2010 Krewe du Vieux parade, pigs, flamingoes, alligators, fish, cows, of their rope, to walk on pins and needles the cranes dropped more crap than saved only by their unique ability to Walk bears, frogs and sharks. It is rumored and see what they could do, and to even the CRAPpers had ever seen, on Burning Sphincters!

– 10 – Travel Section because Schwegmann bags “ain’t dere the Faubourg Marigny and the French Da Crescent Dat Forgot To Care no more.”) Quarter in a “Big Easy Fantasy.” The Those fortunate enough to be on Who Seeds of Decline will light the way for by Willie Balls, former Travel Writer, Times-Picayune, Doo Dat Island on January 30, 2010 the Hoo Doos and the Who Dats with special to Le Monde Du Merde smoke themselves into a refried Hoo will be treated to a rare spectacle as Flambeaux – and yes, there will be a There is an enchanted paradise where Doo frenzy until they lay back, glassy Saint Rebennack emerges from the Full Hoo Doo Moon that night – and the Father of Waters forms a crescent eyed, and go off in the search of “Backstreets of Desire” to lead the let us all hope that no one will be known as Who Doo Dat Island. “munchies.” It is because of this that many world famous Krewe du Vieux through traumaticalized! Blessed with heat, humidity, mosqui- people get the impression that Zombies toes and bars that never close, it is re- roam the streets here…but one would nowned through the United States as have to go to Lakeside Mall to see that! Entertainment News a place where you can drink outside Love of chicken is not limited to the In an attempt to cash in on the reality show phenomenon, take advantage of and smoke inside. Hoo Doos. Countless chickens are sac- Louisiana Film Commission tax credits and close the budget gap, the New Who Doo Dat Island is inhabited by rificed here, particularly when the Who Orleans City Council recently announced an ambitious plan to market videos two nations that live in relative harmony Dats go through their rituals between from the city’s crime cameras under the trademark “Thugs Gone Wild.” Ac- – the Who Dats and the Hoo Doos. September and January, usually on Sun- cording to a press release issued by Council spokeswoman Spacy Head, the Religion plays a great part in peoples’ days in a domed house of worship (while marketing plan would include a Felonious Flicks Film Festival featuring the lives here. the Hoo Doos worship those buried debut of the Crimie Awards. Other cities would be invited to submit their Both the Hoo Doos and the Who below the dome). The sacrificial chicken villainous videos. Taking a cue from the Cannes Film Festival, a panel of judges Dats worship Saints. The primary De- is available in either mild or spicy, with not already indicted by Jim Letten would bestow Crimies in several categories ity of the Hoo Doos is Saint Rebennack, choice of sides and a biscuit. including best comedy caper, biggest weapon, best disguise, most original getaway while the Who Dats swear allegiance The Who Dats are hoping to sacri- and many others. The highlight would be the presentation of the Greased Palme to Breesus. fice more chickens during a sacred time d’Or Award by former technology chief and conniving convict Greg Meffert at The Hoo Doos want to sacrifice vir- known as “Playoffs,” which has only a ceremony to be held at the Irvin Mayfield Municipal Auditorium. gins, but as they cannot find any in this blessed them once in Blue Hoo Doo Arrangements were well underway – no-bid contracts had been awarded besotted paradise, they settle for sac- Moon. For too many years the Who and celebrity presenters including Paris Hilton, OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen rificing chickens instead. One of the cor- Dats have been in the Right Place, but and Roman Polanski had been lined up – when Spacy Head disclosed that the nerstones of their religious beliefs is that the Wrong time. And should Saint scheme had been scuttled after a screening held to preview the videos re- they wish to have a chicken in every Rebennack’s altered egos, Dr. John and vealed that nothing had been recorded. pot, and pot in every chicken. To quote The Night Tripper, provide the Gris- Saint Rebennack, his ‘opinionation’ is Gris, the Who Dats believe that they “Luv dat chicken....” might even travel to Miami this year to Answers to Crossword Puzzle The Who Dats worship a trinity of see if they can bring back any virgins Saints, who did not suffer original sin (or at least some AFC cheerleaders) but have been known to suffer from a for the Hoo Doos to sacrifice. (It should weak offensive line or a porous sec- be noted that there was once a sub- ondary, known as the Father, the Son group of the Who Dats known as “The and Holy Ned. They have appeared Ain’ts” but this cult has disappeared as men with names like Archie, and the original sons, who are blessed, but not C.O.A. STATEMENT real Saints, Peyton and Eli. Le Monde de Merde is offered by the Others have tried but failed to be Krewe du Vieux in the true spirit of Carnival as a venue for satire and Saints. One was a “fun couple” of Mike political comment. The views herein Ditka and Ricky Williams, who even- may not reflect those of Krewe tually got sent to other sidelines. Now leaders or all Krewe members. They one surfaces in erectile dysfunction com- are designed to entertain and provoke mercials, while the other is occasion- thought. Besides, ain’t none of us got ally seen helmeted, stoned and flog- nothin’ worth suing for after we paid ging his dolphin. our health insurance premiums. The ever-friendly Hoo Doo believers All material ©2010 KdV

– 11 – Burning Dog Such a Blight THE BONE ZONE – A recent raid HEADquarters on the blighted list. The know that sometimes you have to take Festival on the HEADquarters of the Totally Or- Ne’er-do-wells quickly relocated to their matters into your own hands to reach Announced gasmic Krewe of Intergalactic Ne’er- float at the Den of Muses but were a satisfying climax. If we don’t do it, do-wells (T.O.K.I.N.) found the place forced to move again when it went up nobody else will.” boarded up with a “condemned” sign in flames. The Totally Orgasmic Krewe of In- DOG POUND ROAD – After ex- nailed to the door. Following cryptic Fired up by their string of adversities tergalactic Ne’er-do-wells takes no po- periencing the fabled Burning Man fes- clues and an alluring herbal aroma, in- and a righteous agenda, the Ne’er-do- sition on the Mayoral Erection (though tival in Nevada this year, a group of vestigators tracked down the Ne’er- wells held an urgent meeting in a smoke- they will try just about any other posi- local self-expressionists has an- do-wells to St. Louis Cemetery #1 filled mausoleum. “We don’t know tion on any other erection). nounced the formation of the first where they were hard and long at work where all the bodies are buried,” said The Totally Orgasmic Krewe of In- annual “Burning Dog” festival. It will on their latest undertaking, weeding Ms. de Marigny, “but we have traced tergalactic Ne’er-do-wells will come be unleashed during the dog days of graves and burning weed. the source of blight to City Hall. After together at the Krewe du Vieux pa- summer, in August 2010. T.O.K.I.N. spokesHEAD, Cummunity four long years of bureaucratic boon- rade on January 30 for a jazz funeral The theme for the first Burning Dog Organ-izer and Funeral Director doggles and buffoonery, incompetent to bid good riddance to blight. The festival will be “Fido on da Bayou”. Morticia de Marigny explained, “We administration, sweetheart deals, elu- public is invited to join in the obscene All the hottest local musical (and other) had nowhere else to go. We finally got sive emails and questionable contracts, observance, raunchy ritual, licentious acts will be featured. Rumors that our Rowed Home money and were we are ready to boot out the blight.” liturgy and salacious celebration. Earth, Wind and Fire would head- rebuilding, when City Hall stepped in.” Added T.O.K.I.N. blight-buster “It is time to consign the benighted line Burning Dog turned out to be false. City building inspectors, in accordance Sidney D. Torrid, “With the upcoming blight and shady shenanignas of the cur- Stated festival top dog Squint with guidelines which call for ignoring Mayoral Erection, we have high hopes rent mayoral more-ass to the trash heap Depravis, “The main act will be buildings that are actually falling that our burning issues will be ad- of history,” said Mr. Torrid. “We come Swamp, Gas and Crack. These flatu- down, had placed the T.O.K.I.N. dressed. However, as Organ-izers, we to bury C. Ray, not to praise him.” lent, coke-head swamp rockers are famous for playing at a fever pitch.” Letter to the Editor Also scheduled to appear are: The Flaming Hips, Burning Sneer, Gor- Mama Roux Burns In Hell don Hotfoot, Crispy Still & Ash, To the Editors: Bottled Heat, Fire Straits, Pink Roid, In the past, the Krewe du Vieux has been accused of heresy by the Religious Right. On behalf of the Krewe of Mama Sunny & Char, the Red Hot Chili Roux, we would like to state explicitly: they actually are right. With an overwhelmingly rapturous sense of release, we Poopers, Three Dog Fight, and da take full responsibility for our destiny. We are all going to burn in Hell, because the plain truth is: we are all Sinners. Radiators. The Krewe of Mama Roux is loaded with debauched deviants and passionate perverts of all kinds: hot-to-trot homos, Burning Dog will include a mixed jazzy Jews, lascivious lapsed Catholics, libidinous lawyers, phallic physicians, wanton women, carnal cross-dressers and breed of local food offerings and tra- amorous atheists. We indulge in drinking, gambling, carousing, loitering, and watching second-rate TV shows. We are ditional favorites. Featured will be sexual perverts who practice unnatural sex acts, crimes against nature, and animal husbandry. We have spanked the quail, dog and andouille gumbo; col- other cheek, saved our stools, and evacuated prematurely. lie greens; German Shepherd Pie; We urge Monde de Merde readers to let go of their inhibitions and join our emission. Abandon the constant struggle to be Yorkshire Pudding; hound beef pat- good! You can finally let your animal nature out of its cage (unless bondage is your thing, of course). Be true to your self! ties; “Here Boy” po-boys; Gumbo To help you be fully alive in the present moment (because afterwards you know exactly where you’ll be going even if (explains why you don’t see him at you don’t remember where you’ve been), here is a list of the Seven Deadly Sins so you can start indulging immediately: Saints games any more); hushpuppies; Lust, Envy, Pride, Sloth, Gluttony, Greed, Anger. We highly recommend Lust, Sloth and Gluttony! and of course, hot dogs. When you peruse this list, you will come to the conclusion that it’s not really so bad. In fact, that’s just a typical titillat- Top dog Depravis also assured ing day in New Orleans. As far as we can tell, everyone in the Big Easy is, well, easy and already extremely experienced Monde de Merde that plenty of Port- in each and every one of these sins. But practice makes perfect, so go forth and sin! o-Hydrants will be available on-site. We invite and entice you to consort with us as we salaciously celebrate and devilishly demonstrate our passion for While the admission price has not prurience at the Krewe du Vieux parade on January 30. yet been established, the Burning Dog SINcerely yours for fiery eternity, festival is expected to be a hot ticket. Rev. Oral Sex For those seeking elite privileges, a Rev. Jimmy Ballwell VISIT THE KdV WEBSITE: special Canine Experience package Spiritual Advisors to the will be offered. “I promise you it won’t Krewe of Mama Roux www.kreweduvieux.org(y) bite,” muttered Depravis. Gomorrah-on-the-Mississippi

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