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Steer Queer Vol. 1 Issue 1 editted by Catherine Conley front and back covers by Kate DuPuis layout by Maggie Lynn Negrete You may be wondering, “What am I looking at, and why is it included in this zine?” This is a photo of my uncle Bobby when he worked at La Normande, for more information contact which at the time was one of Pittsburgh’s fanciest, schmanciest restaurants. [email protected] My uncle was part of the LGBTQ community and would have been a great resource to me when coming out. Sadly, I was unable to meet him as an adult, and it’s a connection I have missed. I would like to dedicate the first issue of this magazine to his memory and to all of the members of our queer family who are no longer with us. Without their tireless efforts, we would not enjoy the freedoms we have now. The world still has quite a ways to go, so let’s make a path for future generations to follow in the hope that they will never experience the struggles we face today. Contents Letters to My Mother Noah C. Riley Confessions of a Queer Girl Catherine Conley Femme Problems Catherine Conley EKG Girl Chelsea Eddington Trans-itioning Joshua Dusk On Main Street Hannah Jarvis Asexual Awareness Evelyn Milburn Fragmented Heidi Simpson Winter Witch Portraits of Veruca la’Piranha Mousebones Untitled Anonymous Trans Racer Sarah Know Your Community Interview with Bebe Berretta Interviewer Needles Moriah Ella Mason Darkroom Casey Can Just Be Sam Thorp Untitled Collage Noah C. Riley How to Please a Man Letters to My Mother Noah C. Riley Hi Mom, I hope your weekend is going well. I was excited to hear that your dancing performance happened and I am so proud of you! I look forward to hearing about it. I also really appreciate how you’ve been in touch with me through my first birthday away from home. It has been a bit strange, but really, really amazing. I have an incredible group of friends in Pittsburgh (remind me to send you pictures blowing out candles on cupcakes and an apple pie. Sorry I forgot to smash my face in it.) I’ve had a great start to 2014 in Pittsburgh and my birthday was just icing on the cake (haha.) Aside from a birthday update and whatnot, I’m writing you today to update you on other parts of my life. It has been a bumpy ride since moving here (ya know since the breakup happened) but it’s been hard for a number of other reasons. I know you get the sense that we don’t talk about things as much anymore. There are a lot of reasons for that, but it makes me really sad. I miss sharing things with you and don’t want to feel like I need to keep anything from you. I have though; because I have been afraid of how you will react to the things I need to talk to you about. I’m done feeling that way though, and am looking forward to sharing new things with you so we can be closer again. In the past few years, and in the last year in particular there has been a lot on my mind surrounding how I express myself through gender expression, and my own gender. Today, I want to share those things with you. Coming out as queer really empowered me to feel able to express myself how I saw fit. I remember when I came out to you and you were concerned/ Noah C. Riley confused as to why I had been dressing less feminine. You seemed confused because I had often dressed femininely through adolescence and I seemed to enjoy our many shopping trips and girly activities together. Gender expression is complicated, and there were a lot of times I dressed and made myself up femininely and was okay with it (I do have a great appreciation/like women’s fashion) but there were also times I felt very uncomfortable in my skin. There were also times when I expressed myself femininely to fit into the world’s expectations and to be appealing to guys. So naturally when I came out, I didn’t care about impressing guys anymore. When I cut off my hair and started wearing more masculine/boyish clothes, I felt so much more comfortable in my skin. Expressing myself this way or however I see fit has been one of the most validating processes. As my expression through clothes and hair has evolved particularly in the past year, I have come to feel and realize a lot of other things about myself. While I started to feel more confident in the things I could put on my body, I started to feel conflicted about other aspects of my gender. This is why I’m writing you, and it’s to tell you specifically that since moving to Pittsburgh: I’ve realized I am transgender. Okay, let’s take this moment now to do/process however you need or want. When you’re ready, keep reading. I imagine you have a lot of thoughts and questions, and I have some answers for what I think some of those might be. “What does this mean?” - It means I feel and identify as masculine- I.E. in the past year I’ve had a growing discomfort and anxiety when addressed with feminine pronouns (she/her), being perceived as female, and some discomfort/ anxiety with my body. Since moving to Pittsburgh, I’ve had the opportunity to be addressed with masculine pronouns in my group of friends and now at school, and it has been so validating and makes me so happy. My time here has really allowed me to explore this side of me, and I’m ready to share it with my world back home. I’ve tried using a different name here and it also feels really good. This isn’t because I don’t like or appreciate the name you gave to me, it just doesn’t fit me anymore. “Are you sure you’re not just a masculine/butch lesbian?” - This is a common question that parents ask, and I don’t know if you have it but I’ll respond to it either way. Butch or masculine lesbians are real, but that’s not me. My sexuality is queer, I like women for the most part (but I really just like people) and I feel like a guy/boy. “Have I always felt this way?” – No, in the sense that as a kid I didn’t think to myself, “I’m a boy.” I think I have lacked a lot of self-awareness in the past. I subconsciously was interested in girls for awhile, but I didn’t become aware of my sexuality until I was 23. I feel this similarly illustrates my gender. I haven’t had much awareness of how I felt about my gender, but I have had many instances of feeling uncomfortable with my body and expression, how people addressed me. This might be confusing, because a lot of stories about transgender people in the media (like Chaz Bono) characterize the experience as something that you’re supposed to have known since you were little. That’s the case for some people, but not everyone. There are definitely a lot of transgender people in the world that don’t realize they are trans until they are adults and even some until they are seniors. I’m one of those people. “Do I want to change my body to appear more masculine?” - Yes and no. I’m still figuring this out, but yes I want to appear more masculine. Because as it stands, the world perceives me as a woman and it doesn’t feel right and causes me a lot of discomfort and anxiety. You know my long and complex history with my chest, that’s also a complicated thing. I guess what I mean to say is, the body I see in the mirror doesn’t reflect the person I know I am. “Are you losing your little girl?” - No, you raised me as a wonderful little girl into a smart and capable person. And while my sense of self and outward expression has changed, much remains the same. I still love to knit, sew, craft, watch Audrey Hepburn movies, bake, etc. I appreciate much of women’s fashion and still own makeup (I don’t use it often but on occasion I may) and there are a few days here and there where I do like to wear feminine clothing. This doesn’t make me less masculine, or my gender identity less valid, cause people can wear whatever they want ya know? And it doesn’t define my gender. It’s only a facet of my identity. I don’t know if I’ve left anything unanswered, but I’m hoping you will feel comfortable asking me if I have. This has been a really hard thing for me to write because it’s so very scary, but I’ve wanted to do it for a while. It’s not fun pretending to be something you’re not. I want to be my authentic self, and now I can. I’m hoping that I’ll hear from you, but I know that you may want to take some time to process the things I’ve told you. If you could send me a text of, “I love you,” or whatever, just to know you have read the email, I’d greatly appreciate it.