ROAD KILL an American Western Myth, in Reverse

ROAD KILL An American Western Myth, in reverse

By Karen JP Howes

Synopsis: A dark comedy that starts with a fat woman in a watermelon print dress who lies dead in the restroom of a roadside restaurant in the middle-of-nowhere. Oddly, she isn’t the only one dead, and the folks who try to jimmy open the restroom door are indirectly connected to each other and the woman’s death. The play moves in reverse, from 8 pm to 3 pm, untangling the relationships between the characters and shedding light on the reason for the fat woman’s death.

Karen JP Howes [email protected] 678-467-7552

2 CHARACTERS (doubling 4m, 3f) EDDIE LOGAN An attractive man in his 30s; a loner LANA Early 30s with cat eye glasses. Smart and quirky. EMMALINE An innocent 16 year old, totally and completely in love RUSSELL A strong and well built man in his late 20s LAURA MEYERS 30s with an air of sweet southern charm; five months pregnant. BILLY EVANS Of a distinguished nature that commands respect; 40s HUGH JOHNSON 30s and grounded. He projects an aura of serenity and security SONNY Rugged, physical, high self-esteem. Late 30s to late 40s BEAUREGARDE A muscular and good looking man of Native American lineage; 30’s MARIA LLORENTE 30s. Latino; teaches Tango JAMI LANDERS Male reporter and photographer. Late 20s to 30s KATHY Waitress/scientist about 30 DIANE Forties or more

Doubling: Emmaline, Kathy Laura, Maria, Diane Lana Hugh, Jami Russell, Beau Billy, Sonny Eddie

Place: A roadside diner off a country highway in Wyoming Time: The Present in reverse Music: The tone can be set with something like Handsome Family’s “Weightless Again.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkdjbk_G6pw&list=RDmkdjbk_G6pw

On the structure of the play The play is comprised of 6 movements that take place at a lone coffee shop off a country highway 50 miles from the nearest town. The story concerns a fat woman in a watermelon print dress who lies dead in an outside restroom. As the scenes unfold in reverse chronological order, we become aware of the interconnected relationships and stories. The play takes place between 8 PM and 3 PM in a single day.

3 SETTING

The setting is a roadside diner in the middle of nowhere. It’s clean and well lit. A counter and three or four stools are at upright center, perhaps angled towards the center of the stage. Behind the counter is a fridge, sink, and space for food preparation. There are other things like a cash drawer, menus, a covered glass dish to hold Danishes, a coffee station, water pitcher, fire extinguisher, rag, and a mop and bucket. The room has two doors. There’s one upstage, behind the counter that leads to the storeroom and the back door to the trailer. The entrance to the diner is situated at stage left. It leads to the parking lot. There is a sign to designate open/closed. A picture window is next to the door, at the side of a booth. It’s decorated with café curtains and a section of it can be opened. Over the window is a large analog clock that is illuminated within the darkness between the scenes to show that the play runs in a chronologically reverse order. Time is also visible by way of the light coming in from the window as the play lapses backwards from night through sunset and into a late afternoon light. (8:00 PM to 3:00 PM). There are a few tables and chairs – not many.

4 The Scenes

Scene One, 8:00 PM (Eddie and Lana) …………...... 6

Scene Two, 7:00 PM (Emmaline and Russell) …...... 24

Scene Three, 6:00 PM (Billy, Laura, Hugh and Eddie) …...... 34

Intermission

Scene Four, 5:00 PM (Sonny, Beau, Lana, Eddie) …...... 53

Scene Five, 4:00 PM (Jami, Maria and Lana) …...... 80

Scene Six, 3:00 PM (Kathy, Eddie, Diane, Lana and Billy) ...... 90

The tone of the play is best set with music blending American West, Gothic and Blues

5 Scene One –

The CLOCK on the wall shows the time is 8:00. Night. Lights come up on an empty roadside restaurant. The sign on the door says CLOSED. A MOAN is heard from the back room, EDDIE stumbles into view with his hand on his head. An apron is tied around his waist. He has a headache. His arm hurts. It’s the muscle. He can hardly lift it.

EDDIE Jesus Christ!

He puts ice from the freezer in a rag and presses it to his head. He sees a pile of money on the counter. Confused, he picks it up and walks around the counter to open the cash drawer. He holds only a few bills from within the drawer. Counts what was on the counter – a few hundred, and puts it in the drawer. He closes the drawer. He feels a twinge from the pain in his head. He picks up a rag to clean off a table. He takes up an envelope tucked between the salt and pepper shaker. He examines it. He picks up a partially eaten sandwich. Takes both to the counter. He notices a mop propped near the door and takes it behind the counter as well. The door opens.

LANA, an attractive woman in her thirties enters through the door at upright. Over her shoulder is slung a large purse.

LANA Hi’a. Open right?

She flips the sign around. It now reads OPEN (to those outside)

EDDIE Yeah. It should say open.

LANA The sign must have gotten turned around, but I figured you’d be open since your lights are on. Thank God, too. You’re the only stop for miles.

EDDIE Can I get you something?

LANA Are you the one in charge?

EDDIE Yeah. I’m the new manager.

6 LANA That’s good. Do you take suggestions?

EDDIE What?

LANA Like a little postcard thing with boxes that I can check and one that says “other” with a comment line?

EDDIE Do you have a comment about something?

LANA Yeah. I think you ought’a have an electronic time control on your restroom out there so after a certain number of minutes, after like fourteen and a-half let’s say – if the door doesn’t open, the time clicks off and the door’s blown off its hinges. Which would come in handy when a fat Lady in an orange dress with a watermelon print has been shoved against the door for a couple hours. I filled my gas tank, re-applied my nail polish, saved someone’s life, and listened to two chapters in my private eye audio book. You know how long half a day is to someone who’s been drinking diet coke? It’s an eternity, and what if she’s dead?

EDDIE Dead? (His head hurts) oh.

LANA You okay?

EDDIE Yeah. Why would someone be dead?

LANA People die. Do you have a headache? I got something for it. With this bag, I’m prepared for just about anything.

LANA takes a table a bottle of Tylenol, Advil and Asprin from her purse and places them on a table.

LANA I find they work for different types of pain.

She picks the Tylenol

EDDIE Do I know you?

LANA I don’t think so, but it’s a small world, so maybe.

Puts the meds in his palm.

EDDIE You want some coffee?

LANA Where did you learn to offer a cup of coffee to a person who needs to use the bathroom?

EDDIE It’s a coffee shop.

LANA You have any Danish?

EDDIE (taking the medicine) Sure.

EDDIE puts a Danish on a plate and puts it in front of her. He takes the medicine. LANA Your name isn’t Joe.

EDDIE I know.

LANA It says “Joe’s Place” on the sign out front, but I figure it’s an advertising thing. What’s your real name?

EDDIE Eddie.

LANA Eddie? Okay. My name’s Addie. Eddie and Addie. It means there’s only one letter different between our names and that letter is just a vowel.

EDDIE That’s right.

8 LANA It’s unusual for names to even begin with a vowel.

EDDIE What about Ellen?

LANA What?

EDDIE Just off the top of my head I can think of Edward. Amy, Arnold, Igor

LANA Who’s named Igor?

EDDIE It’s a name that begins with a vowel.

LANA I’ve spent my life studying things, Eddie. I’ve spent my life noticing things. That’s why I can tell you that the reason my bladder is full is because of a fat lady in a watermelon print dress. Most people wouldn’t have noticed the dress she was wearing. But I observe things, which is exactly why I know the sign out front is for making people feel comfortable and unthreatened by telling them your name even though it isn’t your name. Hell, how do I even know if your name is Eddie?

EDDIE What?

LANA I could ask to see your driver’s license, but then you can get a driver’s license made up in Mexico for a bottle of Tequila and a hundred bucks.

EDDIE (lying) I didn’t know that.

LANA You ever been to Mexico?

EDDIE (lying) No.

LANA You actually don’t have to go somewhere to know about it. All you have to do is keep aware of things. Be observant, which is what I am and the reason why I work as a consultant. I am naturally disposed.

9 EDDIE To consulting?

LANA Understanding human nature. You know how much you can learn about people by observing and analyzing things? EDDIE I actually didn’t know that just by observing things you could ….

LANA Like road signs and people’s faces. I saw a light-up sign a few years back that was all dingy looking with a picture of a beat-up trailer home and this sad looking guy in torn blue jeans, and you know what it said? It said, “Even you have options.” You know what it was selling?

EDDIE Blue jeans.

LANA That sign doesn’t make you want to buy blue jeans. Picture it in your head, Eddie. What was it advertising?

EDDIE I told you what I thought -- blue jeans.

LANA No way. (beat) Buying a lottery ticket.

EDDIE You don’t think a guy in an office might draw that ad for a blue jean company cause people driving by would see that this guy doesn’t have a thing in his life except he looks good in a pair of blue jeans.

LANA I didn’t tell you he looked good.

EDDIE People on billboards look good.

LANA Well I think I understand that billboard better than most people since I’m pretty smart about human nature and I know what kind of options people got. I’ve had training, you see. I actually work for an insurance company investigating people.

EDDIE You investigate people?

10 LANA It’s not my real job, just a cover for my real job, which after the fact I realized was stupid of me to pick a cover that itself needed a cover cause you can’t go around as an undercover insurance investigator and have everyone know it. People don’t talk to you and you can’t find out about things. (beat) I owe you for the gas.

She takes cash from her purse and puts it on the counter.

EDDIE (more on guard) So you work for an insurance company?

LANA As a cover, so not really. Except they pay me, and if they were to lay me off me, I could get unemployment, so I guess I do. And you know one of the things I realized pretending to work for this insurance company is how much a billboard can tell you about a place. In just that one second it takes to glance at the side of the road, you can figure out a community’s entire raison d’etre. That’s French. For example – You ever seen those signs about buckling up children in a car seat? Well when you see one of those, you know you’re in a community that puts a high value on life. That’s something not all communities really care about. For instance, I’ve seen advertisements about satellite dishes and high heel shoes – and from the National Rifle Association and the FDA. Even one time there was an umbilical cord right out there in the middle of the highway as if somebody was thinking that people driving by didn’t have anything better to look at. But when I drove into that community and was calculating rates for their life insurance premiums, I knew something very important about those people.

EDDIE Yeah I guess I can see that. (taking up the gas money) You think you got enough fuel to make it?

LANA I already had some – just stopped off so I could use your restroom cause of all the diet coke I drink. You sell diet coke?

EDDIE I’ll have to check. I’m new here.

LANA I am too. You know why? You know where I’m going?

EDDIE I’m not the one with a specialty in observation.

LANA Everywhere. See how I didn’t say anywhere.

11 EDDIE In my experience with cars and driving, you’re gonna need more than a few dollars in gas to go everywhere.

LANA I’ve been doing this since I was seventeen. I know how much gas I need to do what I need to do.

EDDIE Seems like you’re pretty good at knowing things.

LANA Yeah. Like for instance if you had a different sign out front, I’d tell you to change it to say “Joe’s Place” – but your sign’s already there, so there’s not much I can do for you except maybe provide a few pointers on your menu.

She looks over the menu

EDDIE I don’t make up the menu.

LANA It’s extensive. You got Niçoise salad.

EDDIE Yeah I know. People like that.

LANA Only women on bus tours, Eddie.

EDDIE (suspicious) How do you know that?

LANA Be real. Jesus. I’ll bet the change you owe me after I put down five dollars for this Danish that there’s a trailer back of this place and not one single person you care about within walking distance. Just above minimum wage –no benefits, no pension plan. It’s the price you pay for hiding from the world and being your own boss.

EDDIE I’m in a transition. I don’t want to be told what to do.

LANA Tell me about it. Jesus, I was thinking about that lady in the bathroom. I bet she used to have a union card for a telemarketing company. That’s big now. Working from home with just a telephone and a computer, and you never have to see anyone and they don’t

12 have to see you. It works pretty nice for people who are ugly or fat or don’t smell good. But people want to have meaning and purpose. So that’s maybe when this fat lady gets tired of all the click, click, click of phones hanging up, and she takes a job at some edgy non-profit fighting for capitalism or Jesus or carbon – it doesn’t really matter, just something to give her life meaning.

EDDIE I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

LANA People come here out of nowhere, don’t they? They come through those doors cause it’s the only place around. The only place where they can get coffee, a sandwich, gasoline. And after all the driving they did before they got here and all they got to do after, they start talking. Then they’re telling you what they do. You know what I do. It was one of the first things I said to you. I told you I was a consultant. And if you were actually listening, which most people don’t do, you would’ve heard me say that I was a consultant who was an investigator as a cover. You like that thought? Kind of sexy isn’t it? You know what’s even sexier? I investigate dead people. People who are reported dead but are actually just as alive as you and me.

EDDIE (Cautious) That’s an interesting job.

LANA Lots of jobs are interesting. Do you know, for instance, that people are actually hired to kill other people – it’s not just in books and movies. It happens for real and they sometimes don’t get more than a few thousand dollars.

EDDIE Yeah, I think I heard that.

LANA You ever look at someone and try to guess what they do for a living? Some people clean out porta-potties and if you knew that, you might not want to shake their hand. Then there are others who pull gold fillings out of old teeth and melt it down to make jewelry. You might not want to smile when you meet someone in that line of work.

EDDIE Are you gonna eat your Danish?

LANA I’m paying for it.

Puts a five dollar bill on the counter

LANA

13 Why are you working here?

EDDIE Why not?

LANA You’re not from here. I can tell by your accent and your physical persona.

EDDIE That must be due to your observational skills.

LANA You want a sample?

EDDIE No. That’s all right.

LANA Here it is: You’re from Tucson. You used to be a family man and you were going along thinking you were doing the right thing, only you weren’t doing the right thing by your inner self and subconscious goals. So the universe steps in and shit starts happening, which you can expect when you don’t have your life aligned right, and you get in this situation where you don’t connect with your friends, your employment and even a kid and a wife who doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.

EDDIE What are you talking about?

LANA You ever listen to the way people don’t say anything?

EDDIE (lying) I don’t have a kid.

LANA You ever listen to the way someone flushes a toilet that you thought you already heard a thousand times?

EDDIE I don’t spend my time hanging outside of bathrooms.

LANA Well if you go into this one – the one outside, bring bug spray.

EDDIE Why bug spray?

LANA For the maggots and the other hard shell insects that are attracted to dead bodies.

EDDIE You know, Addie – I’m not hearing this. I leave people alone, because I want to be left alone.

LANA Is that kind of like a trade? I don’t think that works when you’re talking to an investigator.

EDDIE You’re not really an investigator. You said it’s just a cover for another job.

LANA Which is why you come out lucky. You’re off the hook.

EDDIE There’s another restroom in the back. Why don’t you use it and either order something or be on your way.

LANA I wanna use the bathroom out front. You wanna know why?

EDDIE No.

LANA Because it faces the road I been driving on and the road I would have to keep driving on. You’re right smack dab in the middle, and if I could get in that bathroom, that very restroom where a fat lady is laying on the floor blocking the door – if I could get in there, I’d be able to set things straight.

EDDIE Are you investigating me or do you really have to use the restroom?

LANA Investigating is my cover so I’m not really investigating you, Joe.

EDDIE My name’s not Joe.

LANA Your name’s not Eddie either.

15 EDDIE You must be thinking about someone else.

LANA You’re curious aren’t you?

EDDIE About you?

LANA About why there’s a fat woman lying dead in the outside bathroom.

EDDIE I don’t think there is.

LANA Did you know that when you took this restaurant manager job, your life changed from pretty shitty to better.

EDDIE Better than shitty? Now what makes you think my life is better than it used to be, since this is when you, Addie – This is when you walked through that door.

LANA Yeah.

EDDIE You want me to ask you about the woman out there.

LANA I want you to ask me why I want to get into the bathroom. Though even if you don’t ask me outright, I’ll work our conversation around so I tell you anyway. And I guarantee you -- I won’t let you down with any old answer. It’s something other than what you’d normally expect -- like that I want to freshen my mascara or change into a new outfit. (beat) You know what it is don’t you? Why I want to use the bathroom.

EDDIE Why would I know what it is?

LANA Because of the chemistry between us.

EDDIE Chemistry?

LANA

16 Eye contact, a flow of energy, questions, answers, the building blocks of life – and even death. You saw her, Eddie. Watermelon dress.

EDDIE I don’t know what you’re talking . . .

LANA She’s dead. She’s out there dead in your bathroom and you don’t care. No one cares. You know how I know that?

EDDIE Oh, Jesus!

LANA She doesn’t have a car. All that’s out in the lot right now is a burnt out Dodge pickup, my Audi and some little Camry with a NASA bumper sticker out by the trailer, which by process of elimination is yours. You like math?

EDDIE No I wasn’t particularly good in math and I really don’t need --

LANA An insurance investigator who knows everything about you.

EDDIE Before taking over as manager here, I drove a bus for a group of women who were on a cross country tour / of –

LANA Of geological anomalies with spiritual significance so they could find themselves.

EDDIE Something like that. But then the door to the refrigerator here was coming off its hinges and the manager who used to be a scientist didn’t have a good way with a screwdriver so I said I’d give it a look.

LANA And here you are with an apron and menus and a headache.

EDDIE I must have banged it on the fridge.

LANA Is that what happened?

17 EDDIE The last few hours are foggy. I don’t remember a burnt up truck or a fat woman or –

LANA Addie. When you direct a conversation to a specific person, it makes it more personal and you have a greater likelihood of connecting if you use a name.

EDDIE Connecting?

LANA People sometimes spend their entire life looking for someone to connect with, but not us. We’re right here. So will you ask me? -- Will you just say “Why do you want to go into the restroom outside, Addie?”

EDDIE I don’t want to know.

LANA Ask me.

EDDIE I don’t want to know why you want to go into the restroom outside.

LANA It’s only a few words. “Why do you want to go into the restroom outside, Addie?”

EDDIE Damn. (She won’t stop) Why do you want to go into the restroom outside, Addie?

LANA Well Joe, it’s because I want to clean up my life. I want to put that dead woman in the ground that I dug up out past the road. I want to wash my face, mop the floor and then – I want to go back to where I was before I made a mess of my life. (pause) I want to go into that bathroom out front, facing the road, so I can kill myself. (pause) You ever think about that? You ever think about killing yourself cause you just can’t forgive yourself for your own life? You try to make amends and atone and try to do something like have respect for even something as simple as a dead person, but it’s not enough.

taking items from her purse – a rope, knife, bottle of poison, gun.

I got all the stuff. I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to do it ‘cause depending on the atmosphere different ways might strike me as more appropriate. Which do you think?

EDDIE Where’d you get all these things?

18 LANA A friend.

EDDIE That’s not a friend.

LANA Sometimes a person needs to go beyond the call of traditional expectations to be a true friend. I’ve been planning this for 20 years.

EDDIE Since you were like ten?

LANA Things would come up. Distractions.

Eddie puts the stuff back in her bag

EDDIE You got a gun, Addie.

LANA Yeah and it’s loaded.

Lana picks up the gun.

EDDIE You shouldn’t have something like that.

LANA If it were me out there. If the fat lady hadn’t come into your place, and it was me instead - -- would you let me lie on a bathroom floor in my own blood?

EDDIE I don’t think I would let any /one --

LANA We can bury her, Eddie. You and me. We can get something out of a toolkit in your back room and break the door in or cut it open, and we could take her into the desert and put her in the ground.

EDDIE If there’s someone really dead out there -- we should call / someone.

19 LANA You? You know you can’t do that. Someone like you calling up the police so they can ask you questions. Do a check on your driver’s license. What did you say your name was?

EDDIE One letter apart from yours.

LANA Yeah. Isn’t that a coincidence. (beat) If I can be honest with you, Eddie. . .

EDDIE I don’t think so.

LANA There’s one thing that would keep me from killing myself. Do you want to know what it is?

EDDIE No.

LANA It has to do with you.

EDDIE What has to do with me?

LANA You ever see two people in love with each other? I mean really watch them, observe what they do? (beat) There was a guy and a girl in your parking lot not too long ago.

EDDIE I didn’t see anyone.

LANA That’s his burnt up Dodge pickup out there. It was brand new a few months ago and now it’s not worth a dollar. (beat) He was in blue jeans. He had one hand in his pocket and the other was touching this girl’s face. She was young and sweet looking, and her lips were against his, and she was wrapping herself around him as if she were scaling a beanstalk to heaven. She needed him, Eddie. You ever see that, really see what it looks like when someone needs someone else? EDDIE No.

20 LANA I thought I was doing the right thing not needing anyone. Being on my own. Self- sufficient. See I thought that when you don’t need other people, you don’t have to worry about someone letting you down, or not showing up. But I didn’t realize that you give up things.

EDDIE How’s that?

LANA You ever feel like it was cause of you that someone was gonna live or die? The girl out there who was in love with her boyfriend, she set his truck on fire -- that’s how much she was in love.

EDDIE doesn’t respond

LANA It was right out there in your parking lot.

EDDIE I don’t think I’m responsible if . . .

LANA Oh, I’m not saying you’re responsible. I’m just wondering if you’ve ever been in a situation when all of a sudden the responsibility for someone’s life was just there – right out of nowhere. (beat) I’m pretty, you know.

EDDIE I – I know what you look like.

LANA I have an attractive face, a good body. I’ve kept a nice shape.

EDDIE Yes, I can see that.

LANA Do you want to save my life?

EDDIE I wouldn’t know how to –

LANA It’s a pretty big deal isn’t it? Killing someone, pulling a trigger, is easier on your soul than walking away and knowing a person is going to die because you’re walking away. I imagine that plays in your head like the organ in the background of a sermon. (beat)

21 What if all you have to do is care about me -- love me, make love to me; want to bury me if I was dead on a cold bathroom floor? I could care about you, too. We could do that for each other and make this world easier on us.

EDDIE This is my first day working here.

LANA Do you want the weight of my death following you around?

EDDIE I don’t –

LANA There’s a dance in town. We could go.

EDDIE Are you asking me out?

LANA It might be a good way for us to start.

EDDIE Us? Look. I don’t know what you’re asking of me, Addie.

LANA Lana.

EDDIE Lana?

LANA Yeah. It’s my real name. And I know your real name. (pause) Lane. Right?

EDDIE Maybe.

LANA Lane Everett Williams. 420 Rustling Trail, Corona De Tucson.

EDDIE I umm. I -- changed my name.

22 LANA Do you notice how we’re still only one vowel apart? That’s the truth. Kind of strange isn’t it? (beat) You know the strangest thing about it all, Eddie? About today? It ended like this – with you and me as if there was no other way.

EDDIE There are always other . . .

LANA Always a choice, hunh? So tell me then -- should I kill myself or are you going to fall in love with me?

Fade in a song like “Rain in the Valley” by Steel Wheels https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfTYH5G3hm4

Lights fade, ending the scene

23 Scene Two –

The clock rotates backwards to 7:00. It’s evening. The navy sky outside of the coffee shop holds the last colors of the sunset. The sign says OPEN. EMMALINE, delicate and pretty rushes into the cafe, She leans her back against the door. A mop is propped against the wall. She’s disheveled and her dress is torn. She’s been crying. She is barefoot. She looks around, sees no one.

EMMALINE Hello? Is anyone here? Kathy? Can you hear me? There’s an emergency in the parking lot. I need some water and I can’t get into the bathroom. You gotta come. This is important.

She’s not sure what to do. Thinking. She hurries behind the counter. Grabs a pitcher and fills it at the sink. She decides to drink from it. She hears coughing from outside the door and turns towards it.

The front door opens to reveal RUSSELL. He has come from a fire. He is covered in soot and smoke. His clothes are tattered. His face hardly recognizable. He has trouble breathing and can hardly see. While the situation may seem a bit extraordinary, it carries the viewpoint of EMMALINE who is forever young and innocent.

EMMALINE (not sure she recognizes him) Russell? (no response) Is it you, Russell?

RUSSELL coughs

EMMALINE Hi-ya baby.

She puts her thin arms around his muscular body

RUSSELL (struggling) Wai –wait.

EMMALINE You okay, baby?

RUSSELL I can’t see.

EMMALINE I see you. You’re handsome, Russell. You’re strong and all put together, and I see you.

He coughs

EMMALINE You gotta cough the smoke out, baby. It’s black and thick and you gotta get it out of your lungs so you can breathe. You want some water?

RUSSELL I don’t know what happened.

EMMALINE You fell asleep and then the truck caught on fire.

She wipes his eyes with her dress, kisses his eyes.

Can you see better now? It’s not that I really want you to see this poor sight anyway. I’ve been crying and my face is swollen.

RUSSELL You were with me, Emma. Are you all right?

EMMALINE Yes. I’m fine. I’m right here. We were holding each other. We were acting like nothing had happened between us. We were kissing outside your shiny new truck and things got going between us like they always do and we went into the front seat, and I wrapped myself up in you.

RUSSELL What did you do?

EMMALINE I just told you. Our lips were soft and wet. We were kissing, baby. You had me in your arms and I was all yours. You were all mine. There was nothing I could do cause of the spell you have over me and as much as I didn’t want to give in, I couldn’t help it cause of how much of a complete man you are and how I love you more than life itself.

RUSSELL holds on to the back of a chair for support

RUSSELL I need to breathe. Can’t get a deep breath.

EMMALINE You just breathe then. Breathe like this, honey. In and out.

She inhales deeply and slowly. Then exhales slowly. She climbs on the table at the stage left windows to open them.

EMMALINE You’re doing it, Russell? Take air into your body and let the oxygen move around so it gets all your organs working again.

RUSSELL I broke up with you, Emmaline

EMMALINE I don’t think you did that. Unless your way of breaking up with someone is to kiss them for a very, very long time. The two of us, just kissing right out there in the parking lot. Your hand was on my waist real gentle and then your fingers slid so kindly against my side and to my breast and you were touching me.

RUSSELL Did you light it?

EMMALINE Light what?

RUSSELL Did you try to kill me?

EMMALINE I wouldn’t do that.

RUSSELL You have a lighter.

EMMALINE Only cause people want to have a cigarette sometimes, and they don’t have a way to light it.

RUSSELL I’m calling a tow truck.

EMMALINE Jesus Christ, Russell. Give me a chance here. I thought you were dead, and you don’t know how much it made me cry. I was crying. The fire was hot and I tried to get into the bathroom to get water to put it out, but I couldn’t get the door open more than a crack and I saw – Jesus, Russell! There was a woman lying on the floor with her eyes wide open. Staring up at me, and there was blood on top of her and under her – a lot of blood, Russell, and it was frightening. She was fat, and she was wearing a dress with big

26 watermelons, and I was thinking what kind of a place is this that two people would wind up dead here on the same day.

RUSSELL Two?

EMMALINE That woman and you. But see – if that was how it was supposed to be then I didn’t know what to do, and I sat down. I sat down.

RUSSELL You sat?

EMMALINE On a bench. (beat) You know what I saw? (beat) Everything. The road. The door to the bathroom. Your truck burning with you inside of it. And I felt like I wasn’t anywhere, like I didn’t have legs or arms, and I was invisible.

As she speaks she goes around the counter, opens the cash drawer, and takes out money

EMMALINE Then this lady was in the parking lot – she got out of her car, a bright silver car like it was a chariot or something. And she was just there, like she showed up or was there the whole time the way guardian angels are always there. She had a gun baby. She was using it to smash out the windows in your truck so she could pull you out. It was so beautiful what she was doing. It was like she was in a movie. And I knew at that minute that if I had a gun, I could’ve saved you. Even with you asking Maria Llorente to the Fireman’s Ball, I could’ve saved you if I had a gun.

RUSSELL I left her a message that I was / cancelling --

EMMALINE She didn’t get it, Russell. She came careening into town with a complete entourage.

RUSSELL It wasn’t an entourage. It was a small town reporter

EMMALINE With a camera. She was wearing a wide brimmed hat and a pair of sunglasses like a Hollywood star. That reporter is doing an expose on her. He’s writing about immigration and Salsa dancing in America, and she’s pretty – and so are you. Every one knows how photogenic you are cause there was that story about you and the family you saved from a burning up farm house. I have it on my wall, Russell. You got a medal. You get free coffee at the Main Street diner.

She puts the cash in his hand.

RUSSELL What’s this?

EMMALINE I can’t be in the same town as her. Not on the same streets; in the same hair salon. What were you thinking asking her to that dance instead of me? She’s from a foreign country.

RUSSELL Why are you giving me money?

EMMALINE It’ll help pay to fix-up your truck.

RUSSELL Did you steal this?

EMMALINE It’s all there is.

He puts the money on the counter.

RUSSELL You almost killed me.

EMMALINE I didn’t plan to. It was an accident. A real honest-to-goodness accident. I -- I was holding the cardboard box that had the corsage for Maria Llorente. I didn’t mean to start an entire fire. I was just flicking the lighter, and it – it got out of control. I didn’t know it was going to go up in flames. I wouldn’t have done that.

RUSSELL Christ, Emma. Didn’t you think about the consequences? The result of your actions -- Like maybe you’d go to jail? Or even to Hell? You would go to jail and then to Hell. There aren’t a lot of things that will send you straight to Hell. But there’s a list, and being responsible for someone’s death is on it.

EMMALINE That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Things that are on lists aren’t real. They’re man- made. Come-on, Russell. You can’t get in trouble with God for not paying your taxes or even for going to bed with someone when they aren’t a certain age.

RUSSELL That’s the reason right there.

28 She goes behind the counter to make a sandwich

EMMALINE I told you that’s the stupidest thing. How can there be something you can do against the law in one place that at some other time and in some other place is perfectly okay? People eat other people on Islands when they’re hungry, and there’s nothing wrong with it. People are always murdering other people and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Heaven can’t let in some people who commit a crime and not others just cause they did it in different places.

RUSSELL This is not a healthy relationship. What are you doing back there?

EMMALINE I’m hungry. Emergencies make me hungry.

RUSSELL You have to pay for that.

EMMALINE takes a few dollars from the counter, rings open the drawer, and puts the right amount back in. She sits at a table to eat. He sits across from her.

EMMALINE (Passing over the sandwich) You want some?

RUSSELL shakes his head “no”

EMMALINE Don’t turn cold on me, Russell. When you tried that last time, we wound up in each other’s arms.

RUSSELL I need got get back to town.

He gets up to leave. She doesn’t want him to go.

EMMALINE Well you -- you don’t have a car, but I’ve got my Sebring, honey, and I’ll take you back when we work this out.

RUSSELL I don’t need a ride in your Sebring. I bought a brand new Dodge Dakota four and a-half months ago.

29 EMMALINE I know. I remember when you bought it cause I was there and it was right after we started dating.

RUSSELL We’re not dating. We can’t date. I told you that. I told you I couldn’t see you, and that I was taking Maria Llorente to the dance. I made that clear to you. I’m not being dishonest or unfaithful. I’m just not seeing you anymore.

EMMALINE Except this was an important day with those Washington people in town and the Fireman’s Ball. You know full well how seldom a person gets a chance to get dressed up and get her hair and nails done.

RUSSELL There’s a prom, Emma. Girls your age go to the high school prom.

EMMALINE The only thing I’m guilty of is falling in love with you, which I couldn’t help and you couldn’t help.

RUSSELL I never said that I was in love …

EMMALINE Don’t you even think about saying that. You, Lieutenant Russell Xavier McLendon. You fell in love with me and made love to me and then you asked someone else to your Fireman’s Ball, which is dishonest and hurtful.

RUSSELL People know me, Emma; and there are laws.

EMMALINE Laws get changed all the time.

RUSSELL I’m not discussing this with you.

EMMALINE I thought you were a hero with that newspaper story and that medal you dangle on your bedpost.

RUSSELL It’s not easy building that kind of a reputation.

30 EMMALINE You remember Troy?

RUSSELL No.

EMMALINE Think about Troy, Russell.

RUSSELL I don’t know Troy.

EMMALINE It’s a place in history where this guy risked everything because he fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. He knew there was an oath between kings and princes and commanders of armies. He knew they would go after him if he proclaimed his love for her, and that didn’t stop him.

RUSSELL So is that what you’re supposed to be? The most beautiful woman in the world?

EMMALINE I am to you, baby. History is full of stories like ours. Lancelot. Romeo.

RUSSELL Romeo isn’t real.

EMMALINE Yes. It is real. Tell me you don’t love me.

Pause as he tries.

EMMALINE You can’t.

RUSSELL holds up two fingers

RUSSELL Two years, Emma.

EMMALINE I don’t care about numbers.

RUSSELL We wait two short …

31 EMMALINE Why? (beat) Why should we wait? For what? For pages to turn on a calendar? We have each other now. Why is it anyone’s business who I love. How come if I killed you – if you had died cause of that fire I started, the law would judge me like I was an adult, but instead of killing you – if I make love to you, they say I’m a child.

RUSSELL The law has its reasons, Emmaline.

EMMALINE You know what I saw when I was on that bench watching your truck go up in flames? I saw a bride walking out of this very diner. She was pretty and in high heels and on the way to the rest of her life. We could do that, Russell – walk out of here and have the rest of our lives in some other town. Come-on, baby. You’re talking now, but as soon as you touch me. As soon as we get close and you feel my body pressed against yours and you smell my sweet breath – how can you ask us to wait?

RUSSELL I’d go to jail. I wouldn’t be able to work.

EMMALINE None of that matters to you.

RUSSELL Yes it does.

EMMALINE You’re better than that.

She moves closer to him

RUSSELL Don’t kiss me.

EMMALINE You save lives, Russell. You help people take air into their bodies so they can breath. That’s what you know how to do. You know how to give people life. That’s what you do for me. When you love me, you give me the air that helps me live.

He can hardly hold on to reason and the sense of what’s right. As he weakens, Emma feels his love returning, filling her with life.

EMMALINE There it is. I knew you didn’t stop loving me. I feel the air filling up my lungs – in my heart. Now you just gotta tell me. Tell me that you love me. .

32 RUSSELL (it’s still hard to say it) I can’t.

She unbuttons his shirt

EMMALINE You’re so much cooler than me, Russell. You understand that life has purpose. The mere fact that we’re living is important and rare, which is why you save people. It’s what makes you a hero. You made it so I can live. You gave me warmth, the heat from your body.

She slides the shirt off his shoulders and wraps it around her.

EMMALINE If you really wanted to break up with me, you wouldn’t let me take your shirt off.

Touching his chest.

You’ve got the most beautiful skin.

RUSSELL Don’t.

He walks towards the door. His hand on the handle. He considers. She approaches. Touches him gently.

EMMALINE Let it happen, baby. All at once. Let everyone else’s world disappear so ours can come to be.

Taking full control of the situation, he turns to her and draws her in, kissing her. One hand slips into his pocket. She releases into him, wraps her leg around his – as if she was scaling a beanstalk to heaven.

Fade in a song like “Oh Death” by Ralph Stanley https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=If1yxmaJ14M or “I’ll Fly Away” by Alison Krauss https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BPoMIQHwpo

Ending the scene.

Scene Three –

The clock’s hands turn counter clockwise to 6:00. It’s early evening. The sunset is in the distance beyond the parking lot. The sign on the front door reads CLOSED. EDDIE is face down at one of the tables. A pink patent leather suitcase rests on another table. A woman’s silk blouse hangs over a chair; a few pairs of thin cotton socks with ruffles around the ankles are folded on the table. A simple yet elegant wedding dress hangs from a pipe or high window, a pair of white stockings sit next to the socks.

LAURA gazes out the window, the curtains are drawn back. She’s 5 months pregnant

As the lights rise within the coffee shop, BILLY, in rolled shirtsleeves and rubber gloves, mops a bloody section of the floor. He wipes blood off the tables and chairs and throws the rags onto a plastic tarp. Through the dialogue, he finishes mopping and gathers the plastic around the bloody rags. He then arranges the very feminine clothing, which includes slips, hair ribbons, a couture veil, and slippers.

LAURA I wish I had my camera. You should see this display of physical attraction. That young girl who was sitting in her Chrysler convertible when we pulled in, she’s come up to that man in his shiny new truck. He was filling his gas tank, and they’re kissing now, Billy. At first it looked they were breaking up but she turned it around and now she’s reaching her lips to his and wrapping herself around him as if she were scaling a beanstalk to heaven.

BILLY I’m organizing your clothes.

Eddie moans in semi-consciousness and tries to lift himself. BILLY Preps a syringe, spurting a liquid into the air. He injects the needle into Eddie’s arm. Eddie falls limp. Billy drags him to the back.

LAURA I like touching my own stockings if you don’t mind.

Laura crosses to her case.

LAURA Even after they’ve been in a genuine leather valise for two full days, they still carry the scent of high heels and toe nail polish, and neither are smells that I care to share with just anybody, especially you.

34 BILLY (os) I barely touched them, Miss Meyers. They’re on the table.

LAURA removes an envelope. She studies it.

LAURA How easy it is for you to just cut people right off.

Billy re-enters

BILLY It’s not personal.

Laura places the envelope between the salt and pepper at the booth near the Window.

LAURA One would almost think you were born and bred in the south the way you are so superficial. Those of us who have been truly raised in the south show very little in the way of emotion, which generates the aura that we have found our inner peace – while everyone of a European or ethnic descent seems to have less under control because they are so outwardly impulsive.

BILLY I’m not impulsive.

LAURA I know you’re not. My point is that those of us truly from the south aren’t trying to appear better than everyone else – it’s that we actually are. So when you act indifferent and superficial, Billy, it’s not because you’re a southerner and better than others -- which is what I am.

BILLY I’m not from the south.

LAURA We just established that. Consequently, your indifference can be attributed to the fact that you’re an uncaring and unfeeling human being.

BILLY We’re all human beings. LAURA But I am closer to God than you are. He likes me better than he likes you. We build bigger churches and collect more money. (sighs as she realizes he doesn’t grasp her intelligence)

35 Beat as she presses her face against a white stocking leg

LAURA You think I’m going to like this Hewlett Johnson?

BILLY Yes.

LAURA I don’t like his name much. Hewlett. What’s that short for? I mean what’s a nickname that goes with that? Hewlett-honey? Hewlett Packard? Hew-lit the opportunity candle working his way up the PR ladder.

During the following exchange LAURA slips each of her legs into one of the white sheer stockings, which hold their own against her thigh. She exchanges her shoes for a pair of pink fuzzy slippers with heels so as not to tear the stockings when she walks.

BILLY You can call him Hugh. That’s what we call him.

LAURA Is that what you call him?

BILLY He was a Phi Beta man.

LAURA That’s what you said before, and you still don’t have a picture of him.

BILLY I showed you a sketch.

LAURA On a napkin that you got from a Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru two states back. You drew a stick figure. You might be a good public relations man, but you’re an awful artist. I wanted to see what he looks like. You know very well that you could’ve shown me a photograph. He must have a few hundred eight-by-ten glossies in the bottom drawer of his desk. I think you could’ve been considerate enough to show me his photograph.

BILLY (holding up a pair of panties) What about your underwear?

36 LAURA My panties are 100 percent cotton and I never buy them when they’re on sale. Did you tell that to your Mr. Packard – the way I feel about sales?

BILLY Did you want the one with the lace border or the …

Laura takes the underwear from him

LAURA I should have realized that the concept of privacy runs au contraire to PR.

Somewhere during the following and with perfect demure, Laura removes a pair of black panties and replaces them with a white pair

LAURA Something is either for public attention or it’s a dark and nasty secret, which means there’s not one single place in your world for underwear and stockings and eyeliner. God forbid they should wind up in a magazine picture. What about shaving cream and talcum powder and deodorant soap? I suppose famous people don’t buy any of those personal items. At some point, things aren’t just things. A lipstick is not just lipstick. Two cocktail glasses on a table – much more than that.

BILLY You’re just nervous, Laura.

LAURA This doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s about what we have all come to. It’s about what you have done to us – and nearly single handedly, Billy. It’s a matter of whether or not something personal is left on a hotel room floor, and if it was noticed by some magazine columnist or not. It’s about dead bodies that disappear out of the blue, and babies who aren’t allowed to know who their real father is.

Handing him her black panties

That’s what it is, Billy. Hugh! Hugh-lett. Let- Hugh. We’re in the middle of nowhere. There’s not even a mile marker on the road out there.

BILLY It’s temporary, Laura. We’re between two towns.

LAURA I don’t want to be between towns. I came all the way from Montgomery.

37 BILLY Which was adventurous but not necessary.

LAURA Well you don’t have to cart me away.

BILLY We’re just trying to keep things simple.

LAURA By mopping up blood and dragging a man into the back room.

BILLY There’s a cot in the back. He’ll be more comfortable.

LAURA He’s not dead?

BILLY Knocked out.

LAURA For how long?

BILLY About an hour.

She looks at the clock.

LAURA We’ll be on our way soon, then.

BILLY There was a little change in the plan. Mr. Johnson is meeting you here.

LAURA Here?

BILLY At six-thirty.

LAURA Oh.

BILLY The minister is going to meet you at the church.

LAURA What kind of a minister?

BILLY Presbyterian, I believe.

LAURA I’m not familiar with the Presbyterian way of things.

BILLY It’ll be a nice service. Legal and in the eyes of God.

LAURA Everything is in the eyes of God.

BILLY Did I mention Hugh received a Masters degree in business administration from the University of Virginia?

Laura His family must be proud of him.

BILLY He has two sisters and a brother, and he spends time with his nephew.

LAURA So he likes children.

BILLY We went to a lot of trouble, Laura. Everyone seems to like you.

LAURA What about my reception dinner?

BILLY There will be plenty of fine restaurants.

Laura picks up a menu.

LAURA I want to see him, Billy.

BILLY Hugh?

39 LAURA No. (pause) I came all the way/from --

BILLY (cutting her off) You shouldn’t have. You’re jeopardizing his position.

LAURA That’s not true. I understand his position and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize it. I volunteered my time, worked in the campaign office when he was running. I handed out buttons, Billy. I’m perfectly capable of being discreet, especially since we’re talking about a laid-back, put on your blue-jeans event in his hometown so he can be a poster- boy for the American prairie. I wouldn’t get in the way of that. Maybe one little dance at the evening Fireman’s Ball. That’s all I was asking for. No pictures or posts or phone calls. I’m not stupid, Billy.

BILLY No one is saying you are. Now, maybe you should find something on the menu to hold you over.

LAURA I don’t want anything.

BILLY What about the Niçoise salad.

LAURA That’s French. I’m American.

She crosses to look out the window

LAURA You ever see two people in love with each other? You ever watch the way they wrap themselves up in each other and depend on each other and guide each other?

BILLY Not in that kind of detail.

LAURA You ever been in love?

BILLY Nope.

LAURA (out the window) They’re still kissing. They’re leaning against the side of that shiny new truck, and they still have their lips interlocked and their eyes closed. Tell me if you think

40 that young man has his hands in his pockets? Do you think his hands are in his pockets or are they caressing her sweet and very young face?

BILLY They’re in his pockets.

LAURA Almost like he’s indifferent. And now he’s sweeping her off her feet and putting her in the passenger seat of his truck. He’s going to make love to her. It’s funny how he looks like he doesn’t care, when underneath his nonchalant and cool-boy exterior that boy’s heart is beating real fast and his blood is burning through his veins real hot, and he loves that girl, Billy. He’s acting like he doesn’t need her, while she’s acting like the sun rises and sets with his presence. But they actually got it in reverse. He’s scared to show her how much he feels, and she’s scared to admit that she can’t feel.

BILLY Did you want to change your clothes before Hugh arrives?

LAURA You know I can’t do that. I already told you that the door leading to the restroom won’t budge even an inch cause of some fat lady.

BILLY Then change here.

LAURA It’s not an easy thing -- to single handedly keep this big country running smoothly. I wouldn’t want your job. Wouldn’t want to do your laundry either. You have a bloodstain on your sleeve.

He dabs at the stain with a napkin.

BILLY We’ve got everything under control.

LAURA There are dead people here.

BILLY I took care of that.

LAURA But I know about it. You purposely let me know about it.

BILLY About what?

LAURA God damn-it, Billy. The woman in the bathroom lying in a pool of blood. And the man you just wrapped in a piece of plastic and shoved into the trunk of your car. I know all this. I saw it, Billy. I’ve been trying to be professional and business-like, but there’s only so much a person can take.

BILLY It was an impromptu situation.

LAURA Why? Why do you think it’s all right for an innocent person to be privy to this kind of thing?

BILLY You’re not an innocent person, Laura. You believe in God. You came into this world with your hands already dirty.

LAURA I have so much on you. I can call the police. I can tell people.

BILLY Except I have more on you than you have on me.

LAURA Like what?

BILLY You’re life.

LAURA What about the man you dragged off into the kitchen? Are you feeling a pang of pathos? It’s not like you to have loose ends.

BILLY Some people have more value alive so they’re worth the extra inconvenience.

LAURA But not the one you wrapped up in the one in the plastic and the woman in the bathroom

BILLY That’s right.

LAURA I’m feeling a bit -- nauseated.

42 BILLY I was told the queasiness diminished after the first trimester.

LAURA It does.

Billy holds out the wedding dress.

BILLY Here you are. You can change behind the counter.

LAURA takes it and crosses behind the counter.

LAURA I’ve put on hardly a dozen pounds.

BILLY You’re still quite attractive, Laura.

LAURA I don’t care about your opinion on my looks. I’m simply remarking how well I’ve adapted to this pregnancy. Some women are given medicine or put into bed. I don’t even have swelling. Just some nice curves. I’m sure you’re aware that some women take on a natural glow when they’re pregnant. I’m like that. I’ve noticed that I’ve been more photogenic these past few months, though I’ve never been one to be camera-shy to begin with.

She steps away from the counter in the dress without shoes. She regards her stomach.

It suits me pretty well, don’t you think, Billy? It hasn’t kept me from feeling young and sensuous.

BILLY I wouldn’t know.

LAURA Sure you would. You’ve watched every move I’ve made for the past two years. You’re right by his side, right by my side – trying to make sure there aren’t any mess-ups. But then there are always mess-ups and you shed them like the skin of a serpent.

BILLY Do you think you can walk down an aisle in high heels?

He hands her the high heels, which she ignores.

43 LAURA I don’t think I can walk down an aisle at all.

BILLY A little co-operation would be nice.

She starts laughing BILLY Why are you laughing, Laura? What do you find funny?

LAURA I just thought of something.

BILLY Something impromptu that just came to you.

LAURA After all of this mixing and matching with me and Hugh-its on some kind of a scripted honeymoon, wouldn’t it be funny if I coincidentally named my baby after her real father? I mean just coincidentally.

BILLY Name a girl after a man.

LAURA We can put an “elle” or and “ette” or even a “line” at the end of it to make it more baby- girl like. You know like George-ette, Jo-elle, Jack-line. It would be funny. Paul-ette, Will-emenia. I could also use his last name as her middle name – You know like Madison, Monroe, McKinley, Cleveland --

BILLY (interrupting) No. It wouldn’t be funny at all. Naming your infant after a man who might be the most important person that you will ever ---

LAURA Lots of people do it, Billy. It’s patriotic.

BILLY You aren’t lots of people.

LAURA But I certainly am patriotic (touching her stomach).

BILLY You’re wearing my patience.

44 LAURA Me? You have an entire dossier of situations to deal with, and I’m not your biggest problem.

BILLY At this moment you are. You rank pretty high on the problem scale, and I’ve had enough.

LAURA You’re asking me to live a lie for the sake of public opinion. This is your mistake, not mine. It’s not my job to look out for reputations and reporters. I’m here; I’m in this world to share life with people and develop relationships – and I am doing just fine, so I think ---

BILLY What do you think!?

LAURA I think you should walk down the aisle with Mr. Hugh-sick!

BILLY You should have considered that before getting yourself into this situation.

LAURA I don’t mind my situation. You do.

BILLY You suddenly turn up with a baby and you know there will be questions.

LAURA Then answer them. That’s what you’re paid for. That’s what you’re so good at. It’s why you were mopping the floor and why you have a bloodstain on your sleeve. You got a strange job Billy Evans. (beat) And what if I don’t do my part? What if at the last minute I say something real simple like “I don’t?” You know how most people say, “I do?” Well, I can say “I don’t.” Where would that leave all of us – you, me, him? Hugh-essss?

BILLY In Hell, Laura. You want to raise your child in Hell?

no response from LAURA

BILLY Answer my question!

LAURA You answer it.

45 BILLY Which one? The question about the underwear? The one about the high heels? I think you can walk down an aisle in heels.

He throws the high heels, aiming just to her side. She doesn’t scare easily.

LAURA I want to hear you be the one to answer that question about a child that hasn’t been born – the very being for which we are building a better future, developing political platforms, and creating a better country.

BILLY We’ve gone to incredible extremes for you, Laura

LAURA You mean because I didn’t wind up dead? Your customary approach to annoyances, isn’t it? A wedding is a complicated event and poor Hugh even had to break up with his girlfriend.

BILLY The consensus has always been that you are worth everything in our power to provide you with a descent and rewarding life.

LAURA So tell me then -- where am I going to raise her?

BILLY In a four bedroom house with her very own canopy bed and stuffed toys. That’s why we are here today.

LAURA My daddy once told me that I was what dreams are made out of. He said it right before he dropped me off at his cousin’s house when I was six and he was on his way to the northwest. BILLY Guess he didn’t tell you there’s no place for dreams in politics.

He gathers her heels. LAURA There’s always a place for dreams. (beat) I think it’s nice of Hugh-go to step in like this at the last minute. I think he should get a raise or at least a bonus check for it.

BILLY He’s a good man.

46 LAURA A team player. (beat) I find it funny – you sitting here in this nothing little diner folding silk underwear and hoping I’ll don the couture veil that you bought with the petty cash from Ways and Means

BILLY Did you want to wear the heels?

She takes them from him and puts them on as she says…

LAURA You said I shouldn’t take it personal, but love and babies are personal things. (beat) I wrote a letter about everything, and it’s the kind of letter that an editor would like to get in the mail. It would make a good front cover with the photograph I attached. It’s the kind of thing that would increase newsstand sales.

BILLY We know about the letter, Laura.

LAURA You don’t know what I’ve done with it.

BILLY Not yet. The door to the coffee shop opens. LAURA pauses with her back to it. HUGH enters. LAURA Is it the waiter?

BILLY Hello, Hugh.

LAURA (quietly, still not turning around) Hewlett, Hewlett Johnson.

BILLY I appreciate the haste at which you addressed this matter.

HUGH Well sir, the flights were on time and the weather was behaving properly, so everything is on schedule.

LAURA (considering to herself) on schedule. (to BILLY) I can see that this is not going to work out, Mr. Evans because I have a terrible time keeping up with schedules.

BILLY It’s all right, Laura. You’re just feeling nervous again. You’ll like him. He was hand picked.

LAURA By who?

BILLY Whom? A committee.

Billy gently turns LAURA to face HUGH

BILLY Let me introduce you. Laura Meyers from Alabama this is Hewlett Johnson from Syracuse, New York.

HUGH Nice to meet you.

LAURA Hi.

BILLY What do you think, Mr. Johnson? Not a bad spot for a rendezvous.

HUGH You’re very pretty, Laura

LAURA Are you going to drive me to the church in a Cadillac Mr. Johnson?

Billy places Laura’s suitcase beside HUGH.

BILLY He picked it up on his way in from the airport just as we planned. I’ll give you two a chance to get acquainted while I put your things in the trunk.

LAURA Get acquainted? How are we going to do that?

BILLY Ask Mr. Johnson to tell you about himself.

LAURA You mean like favorite color, favorite movie and favorite ice cream?

HUGH Blue. “On the Waterfront”. Mint chocolate chip.

As Billy crosses to the door, He places Laura’s suitcase beside Hugh. Gathers the few items still strewn about into a department store shopping bag.

LAURA Well Mr. Johnson, I like Daiquiri Ice. I bet you’ve never ordered it.

HUGH As a cocktail.

LAURA Well, I can’t drink on account of my – (touching her stomach). I take vitamins.

HUGH I take vitamins, too.

Billy takes up the tarp and opens the door to the coffee shop. In the distance the truck has started to burn. He notices, pauses and crosses away from it, leaving the door open. The audience sees the flames through the open door. They increase as the scene continues.

LAURA Are you a PR guy like Mr. Evans?

HUGH Bill’s one of the best.

LAURA I know how he’s rated. I was just wondering if you are also a public relations man, because you talk like one.

HUGH I have an accent?

LAURA No. Your charm seems rehearsed.

HUGH So you prefer spontaneous charm.

LAURA

49 I think charm is something you dangle off your wrist. I don’t much care for it in a personality.

HUGH I was hoping you might try to like me.

LAURA Does it matter?

HUGH Yes.

LAURA Then I like you, Mr. Packard.

HUGH I might not be timing this right, but I think you should know this was my idea.

LAURA Then you’re ambitious in your career.

HUGH A little, maybe. And I saw your photograph.

LAURA Did you see that boy and girl in the parking lot?

HUGH No.

LAURA Their kiss went on forever, and it looked to me like they could keep on kissing for several more hours without even feeling the least bit hungry or uncomfortable. You ever been in love, Hugh-let? HUGH No, actually I haven’t had the opportunity as of yet.

LAURA How old are you?

HUGH Thirty-two.

LAURA And you haven’t fallen in love at least a dozen times by now?

50 HUGH I’ve never had trouble getting a date.

LAURA I can’t say I feel sorry for you. Love isn’t exactly what you might think. It’s not something universally grand like the feeling you get on a bright spring day.

HUGH What’s it like, Laura?

LAURA To fall in love?

HUGH To be in love.

LAURA You ever been driving late at night in a pouring down rainstorm when it’s cold and you can’t see? You don’t know if you should stop on the side of the road to make it all a little less tense, or if you should keep on going and going until you make it all the way home where it’s warm and safe – and a little bit lonely.

HUGH I thought love was supposed to be the opposite of lonely.

LAURA I didn’t say I was the authority on the subject. In fact, I’m probably the last person in the world you should ask.

HUGH Would you mind if I kissed you?

LAURA (blushing) You want to …

HUGH I’ve been watching the way you form your words, and your lips are …

LAURA You want to fall in love with me, don’t you?

HUGH (smiling) For right now, I want to kiss you, Laura. I thought it might be a good way to start.

51 They kiss as we fade in a song like“Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” by Willie Nelson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA644rSZX1A

The lights fade, ending Scene Three.

Intermission

Scene Four --

The clock shows 5:00. The sign reads OPEN. No one is on stage when the lights come up. The door opens. BEAU is shoved through by SONNY. Sonny changes the sign to read CLOSED.

SONNY I’m serious about no funny stuff. Just one can ‘a Diet Dr Pepper. I’m getting myself a barbeque sandwich, then we’re out ‘a here.

BEAU To where?

SONNY That’s none of your concern.

BEAU What about yours? Aren’t you concerned?

SONNY My job is to keep you outa town. So no singing around the campfire or passing the peace pipe shit. You got these rules, Squanto?

BEAU That’s not my name.

SONNY It’s close enough.

BEAU No, it isn’t.

SONNY You think I have a problem shooting you?

Flaunts gun SONNY Fact is – I’m a pretty good shot.

BEAU Then what’s got you?

SONNY Got me? Ya mean you – What’s got you, buddy? And the answer is me -- I got you. Tracked your ass right down.

BEAU But you’re not going to shoot me.

SONNY You don’t think so? Let me tell you something, baby. I shot a dog, and I figure if I can pull a trigger on a no-nothing kind of mutt who didn’t hurt no one, then I can shoot you.

BEAU That was a spiritual test.

SONNY Yeah – well, I don’t believe in any kind of a Tree-God or a Moon-God or a Jesus-God or even an Alien-God, so it doesn’t much matter if it was a test or not.

BEAU It was the dog who was testing you.

SONNY Oh - the dog was testing me. Did I pass?

BEAU Did you pass?

SONNY Pass what? Pass fucking what?

BEAU The test he gave you.

SONNY He was a dog. You think I’m gonna lose to a dog? We were at the border of Montana and Saskatchewan. You know where that is? It’s just to the right of Alberta if you’re looking at a map and it was colder than the rings around yer-anus.

BEAU I know about Saskatchewan.

Sonny holsters the gun, crosses to the counter to pour a glass of water from a pitcher.

SONNY Of course you know about Saskatchewan. It’s an Indian name. I was tracking this psycho-dude. He was mean and big, and hairy like an ape. He wore a fur coat like a Lady wears only the son-of-a-bitch looked like a bear. (beat) I can still see him. His face

is white and slimy. His eyes are squinty. He’s got a small pointy nose and his ears are pressed flat against his head with one bigger than the other. I’m talking about a real ugly person. No lips – no neck – no color. You getting this picture?

BEAU Keep going.

SONNY He had red eyebrows, big shoulders, short arms. I’m talking sicko-evil incarnate, and he never said a word. So I didn’t even ask this guy any questions like maybe what planet he was from. It was bad enough I had to get him to Illinoize.

BEAU Was he your first assignment?

SONNY First time I was up against the Devil himself, and you can guess what happened.

BEAU You lost.

SONNY I lost big. I got scared and he smelled it. So there he is and God-damn-it if all of a sudden there he isn’t. So then there was me. I’m in this snowed-under shit hole of a town in the middle of January with no car, no money and I’m pissed. I’m shouting words that Lenny Bruce would’ve been proud of ---

BEAU Who is that?

SONNY Who is what? Lenny Bruce? The backbone of great American comedy. What’s the matter with you? Without Lenny Bruce there would have been no Carlin, no Pryor, no Chris Rock -- all the heroes.

BEAU Comedians.

SONNY You know how much guts it takes to stand up in front of a room of regular people like you and Mr. Sicko from Canada and make them laugh? People don’t want you to make them laugh. They ultimately want to laugh, but it’s like a game and they don’t want you to win. Facing a room full of people like that – it’s a hell of a lot scarier than looking down a barrel of a loaded shotgun.

BEAU You think so.

SONNY Hey I know so. I’ve been both places. Worst that can happen with a shotgun is you die. But in a club -- no one laughs. In fact that was the very road I was traversing on before I changed gigs. Sonny Richardson at the Comedy Club, on cable TV, a midnight-show at the Sands in Vegas. I had it all planned.

BEAU So you’re funny.

SONNY Yeah I’m funny.

BEAU You don’t seem funny.

SONNY Well I’ll tell you this. When I was standing there in the middle of Saskatchewan with no one on the other end of the handcuffs, I wasn’t feeling too funny, but I still saw the humor in the situation. That’s the important part of being a standup. I was even thinking – (spoken as a stand-up routine)

Okay what do I do in the middle of this snow-covered wasteland if I want to catch a polar bear? Hey, I go to a lake. I cut a hole in the ice. I put peas around the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, I kick him in the ice-hole. It’s funny, so I start laughing. Then all of a sudden I look down and there’s this little dog. He was a mutt about so high; had wavy yellow hair, and he had that don’t-you-feel-sorry-for-me face and little brown eyes that looked at you like there wasn’t a god-damn thing wrong with world. He wanted to play fetch. He wanted to run around the garbage cans looking for a kitty-cat to chase. So he sat there smiling at me and every once in awhile, he would let one go.

BEAU Let what go?

SONNY Gas or something. You know what I thought? He was way too God damn free. So --- boom! bam! Two shots! And I knew it right there. Good riddens was my career as a stand-up.

BEAU What happened to him -- your devil-man?

SONNY My whole life is cause of that piece of shit.

BEAU Evil is necessary. It gives us balance.

SONNY Why do you have this thing like you know something more than anybody else?

BEAU I don’t know anything. I only see.

SONNY You only see. What do you see Kimosabi?

BEAU Truth.

SONNY Truth? You mean like holier-than-thou truth or something more like lie-detector truth?

BEAU Lie detectors don’t tell about truth. They only know about lies.

SONNY Do you know who hired me?

BEAU No.

SONNY Important people. Government people. You know what they told me about you?

BEAU No.

SONNY They told me you drink diet Dr. Pepper, which means you’re a hypocrite because there is nothing about the moon and the earth and nature on the ingredients list for diet Dr. Pepper. Ya know your file calls you a political activist and says you’re starting to make trouble that jeopardizes the peace and well-being of this country.

BEAU I’m a Native American is all.

SONNY That’s good cause the rest of us are Foreign Americans. How come it is that people like you say, “I’m a Native American” or “I am African-American”. Even stuff like “I’m homosexual” or “I’m a female” -- and they have this pride thing going, and I’m supposed to have this respect thing. But if I say “Hey – I’m a Caucasian male,” I’m what?

BEAU You have to look inside for what you are.

SONNY No, I’ll tell you what. I’m the bad guy. I’m the reason for the generation gap and the gender gap and the widening of the social classes. I’m even the reason we got minorities to begin with cause I’m what makes up the majority and you can’t have a minority without a majority. But because it’s my fault we have minorities I don’t have majority rights. No, I’m the one with the minority rights. Equal opportunity my butt. You think I got any opportunities?

BEAU No matter how you sing that song, pale face, you’re still better off than if you put your feet into my shoes.

SONNY Well I kind of like moccasins, Beau. However, what keeps me from getting a pair of my own is that a lot of people, me being one of them, think dancing naked with paint on your ass is a hell of a way to make it rain.

BEAU It is our heritage to have deep respect for nature.

SONNY Nature? What -- Dancing with Wolves? (laugh) I’ll tell you about nature, though I hate to be the one to break it to you. It sucks. An apple on a billboard and a peach on a water tower. Communing with nature is a hike in some State forest with mile markers. It’s an emissions test on your car and a chat group to save the polar bears.

BEAU What do you see when you look outside the door to this café?

SONNY Just cause you went to an Ivy League university why do you have to come out saying café instead of coffee shop? You ever notice that about minorities who go to Ivy League universities on scholarships?

BEAU (smiling) Yeah.

Beau opens the door.

BEAU Look outside. Across the path.

SONNY For what?

BEAU A sign.

SONNY You’re kidding me. Yield? Deer Crossing? The ghost of Christmas yet to come.

Sonny looks out SONNY A gas pump and a sign for the restrooms.

BEAU Beyond that – past the parking lot. It’s a crossroad – an intersection, Mr. Richardson.

SONNY That Aspartame has affected your brain. (closing the door) Let me make this real clear Injun Slip Dick….

Beau slams his fist into Sonny’s face. Caught off guard, Sonny falls to the floor dropping hold of his gun. Beau picks it up.

BEAU That’s not my name. “Soars-Like-Eagle.” It was given to me by my father after my vision quest. I earned it when I was fourteen. I spent many days and nights in the wilderness. It was cold. I had no food. No water. No shelter. Only a knife for my survival. You can call me “Soars-Like-Eagle.”

Sonny, still on the floor, wipes blood from his face. SONNY You say it like you’re the only one in the fucking world who’s had a vision quest. I know that shit. I saw it on a local cable channel at this motel near the Grand Canyon. I even had my own vision quest once. You’re not so special.

BEAU You don’t know what I’m talking about.

SONNY Don’t bet on it. You spent a few days in the wilderness. I’m right so far, aren’t I?

BEAU You’re bluffing.

SONNY See, while you were in this wilderness, you climbed to the edge of a cliff and looked out over a valley. Suddenly, you notice a bird. It had a really big wingspan. It was an eagle. It soared above you and you found it amazing. You had great respect for it. So what did you do? You took out your knife. You jumped into the air, and you slashed its belly wide open. (Curious look from Beau)

Then came the sound of pain as if it were a musical score. It filled your ears, your mind, your bones. The sky was your backdrop. The wind your accomplice. Man and Beast. Beast and Man. Mid-air. Mid-flight. A battle from the pages of mythology. Finally, you both fall into an icy river many feet below. Inner peace and a full stomach. (beat – accomplished) I got it, didn’t I?

BEAU The eagle is a bird that flies alone.

SONNY So yours is the eagle and mine is what – that stupid yellow mutt that I shot? Is that who I’m one with?

As Sonny reaches for the rag, he trips Beau causing him to fall to the ground. Sonny retrieves the gun and swings a chair against the door. Sonny aims the gun at BEAU.

SONNY You give this impression that you’re flying across the sky like some national bird on its way to extinction and you set up this picture that you’re pretty damn free and spiritual. While here I am – symbolized by a wimpy dog in a foot of snow whose only thought is to play fetch. And that’s not the reality of our situation à presentè.

BEAU What is our reality, Sonny?

SONNY People don’t like it when guys like you get educated and start pulling civil liberties stuff. I’ll be the first to admit it that the idea of free speech can be pretty scary when it gets into the wrong hands.

BEAU The island of Manhattan wasn’t bought by the Dutch in 1626.

SONNY Here we are. A history lesson.

BEAU If it was a blood bath – if the white man had wiped us out and taken the Island by force, it would’ve been won fair and square under the terms of genocide. But there was a contract. A legal document, and it wasn’t a bill of sale. It was a lease. The Wapppinger tribe leased the Big Apple to the Europeans, which means the United States doesn’t own it.

SONNY Okay. And now that the lease is up for renewal, you what – want in on the deal or you’ll scalp a few million people?

BEAU The case was brought to the attention of the British courts in 1762.

SONNY That’s timely.

BEAU There’s a document by Mr. Adams and another as late as President Cleveland explaining that New York City belongs to the Native Americans. Your Presidents were fully aware…

SONNY You know, I don’t think Julius Caesar drew up deeds of sale before running his chariots through the streets of Europe. Countries conquer other countries and then they take their land. It’s been going on like that for thousands of years.

BEAU There’s a legal document.

SONNY That says you own New York City? That’s not going over well.

BEAU We want to offer a trade that is in keeping with modern times.

SONNY You want to offer a trade? In keeping with modern times.

BEAU To the United States government.

SONNY Like trinkets? Arrowheads?

BEAU We propose to trade Manhattan for Alaska.

SONNY Alaska?

BEAU It’s a fair trade.

SONNY Geographically speaking -- one of those land masses is pretty big and the other is kind of teeny-tiny. Then there’s the population aspect and the economics --

BEAU We Natives want a natural resource so we can build our own economy. The United States wants to be less dependent on foreign energy sources. Alaska has the oil, but the government can’t drill it themselves without disenfranchising certain groups. Alaska is twice the size of Sweden. Nearly as big as Saudi Arabia. It’ll be a sovereign nation. Our own country.

SONNY You want your own country. Hell – I bet everybody wants their own country.

BEAU This was ours to begin with. It’s win-win you understand. Oil triggers emotions. It starts wars. Disrupts the environment. Confuses economies. We make it ours -- and no one will stand against us because of the guilt.

SONNY What guilt?

BEAU Over the atrocities.

SONNY What?

BEAU The Trail of Tears. “Little Big Man.” “Pocahontas.”

SONNY Look. All I know is that I was hired to keep you from slow dancing with our President at the Fireman’s Ball in the next town over. Folks don’t want you whispering sweet nothings into his ear. I was supposed to put you on a train for points west.

BEAU Where do you get your orders?

SONNY I’m an independent. I don’t get orders. I get phone calls. The oil companies are bringing in soldiers to make sure you get to that high school gym for the President’s home coming and the environmentalists are bringing in troops to keep you out. Then I get a call to bring you here. Middle of nowhere, and buy you a Diet Dr. Pepper. So I gotta tell you, Beauregard Emanuel Jackson -- I’ve got this feeling that you aren’t supposed to make it to points west.

BEAU You got caught in the middle, hunh.

SONNY It sure as hell would have been a lot easier if you took off. You had the opportunity. Why didn’t you go when you had the chance?

BEAU What side are you on?

Sonny crosses to Beau with the gun visible, hanging casually at his side. He squats close to Beau. Sonny raises the gun to Beau’s face.

SONNY I’m just curious how far you think you’re gonna get helping your people if you’re dead.

Unseen, Lana BANGS on the door.

LANA Hello? Can you open the door?

SONNY You be cool, Pocahontas.

She pushes on the door but it’s blocked by the chair.

SONNY (holstering his gun) Nothing funny.

BEAU I’m not the comedian.

Lana shoves herself partially into the diner. Her face, hands and hair are a mess and dirty as if she’s been digging a hole in the desert.

LANA Hi there. God – this place has the stupidest doors. I got the same thing when I tried to open the women’s bathroom out here. You think you could at least move the chair a little so I could squeeze through?

SONNY What if we don’t want you to squeeze through?

LANA Are you closed?

She flips the sign to read OPEN.

Cause the sign says open.

SONNY We’re closed.

LANA The sign says open.

SONNY Jesus Christ!

LANA I was wondering if you could help me with the Women’s room? The door is kind of like this one, and there seems to be a very large woman leaning against it, so maybe if we all push hard, we can get it open.

SONNY No. Go away!

With a strong shove, Lana forces the door open.

LANA There. Hi. You Joe?

SONNY Why would I be Joe?

LANA Cause it’s on the sign and it’s a coffee place. Can I say it? Can I ask it? Okay. “Can I have a cup of jo, Joe?” That’s great. I always wanted to say that. “Can I have a cup of jo, Joe?” No response from Sonny.

LANA Okay so maybe it’s a little stupid. to Beau Hi. to Sonny How come he’s on the floor?

SONNY How the hell do I know?

LANA He’s Native American.

SONNY Yeah, and he misses his teepee. Listen, I’m doing work for the United States government and I’m in the middle of something.

LANA Wow. That’s kinda cool.

SONNY For your own protection, Lady. You need to go.

LANA I can just sit off to the side. I paid my taxes this year.

SONNY You need to be on your way.

LANA What I need is to clean up a little and some coffee. I could really use a cup of coffee.

SONNY God-damn-it. Sonny crosses behind counter to get coffee.

LANA Is this cause he’s an Indian and didn’t pay his taxes? Wait – do Indians even have to pay taxes? I never really met a full-blooded one except there was this girl at school who was

one-sixteenth Navajo so she got a scholarship. She was very nice and pretty and Phi Beta Kappa and everything. (smiles) I’m Lana.

SONNY (Re Beau) Soars like Eagle. (Re himself) And Mutt-who-passes-Gas.

LANA So there must be a reservation around here. I’ve heard terrible things about what’s been done to your people over the years – alcohol, gambling, everyone living in run-down trailer parks with weeds for yards and pancakes for dinner which I guess is better than sleeping in a tent and eating berries. I mean how do you know if they’re poison or not?

SONNY You take it black right?

LANA Decaf with cream and three sugars.

SONNY There’s no decaf. No cream. No sugar.

LANA Then I guess I take it black. How about an egg over medium with a side of hash browns? Can I use the sink back there?

SONNY Are you not getting this? You’re interfering with the United States of America.

LANA You’re kidding. Okay -- Look, why don’t you just get the door to the bathroom open, and I’ll leave you to your official business.

SONNY You want to use the bathroom? Okay. Use the bathroom.

LANA You didn’t hear what I just said?

BEAU There’s a woman lying on the floor and she’s blocking the door.

LANA He listens. He heard what I said. (pause) It means I can’t open the door and actually get into the bathroom to use it.

SONNY Not my concern, Lady.

LANA You guys could help out. You’re both strong. (re Beau) He looks stronger than you. I bet Mr. Navajo could push the door open all by himself, and then I can wash my hands and we could all clean up the mess in there. I mean especially if she’s dead or something.

SONNY No. No cleaning anything up. Use the men’s room.

LANA I want to use the ladies’ room.

SONNY (to Beau) Come on, man. Get up.

Beau stays on the floor.

LANA Don’t you care that someone could be dead out there?

SONNY A hundred people die every minute. One-point-seven every second.

LANA That’s a weird statistic to tell people. Should I be calling the police?

SONNY You can call who-ever the fuck you want. (to Beau) I said up!

Beau doesn’t budge

LANA You shouldn’t tell people what to do.

SONNY Shut-up. (to Beau) Are you going to be stubborn here? You gonna try to take advantage of this situation?

LANA Maybe you could get some kind of tool to take the door off its hinges so we can at least bury her.

SONNY Just cause someone is dead, it doesn’t mean you got the right to bury them. You don’t just drag someone’s body into the desert and dig a hole. There are procedures. Health issues.

LANA It doesn’t look good if you’re the only one around here and there’s someone in need of serious medical assistance or even mortuary service just 50 yards across that driveway.

SONNY Nobody’s dead, lady.

LANA You think I’m lying? You don’t think I was in the desert out there digging a grave? Why don’t you see for yourself?

SONNY No.

LANA Try to get the door open.

SONNY It’s none of my business.

LANA What if it is? What if I’m doing you a favor and all you need to do is go outside to the bathroom and get the fucking door open?

SONNY We’re leaving.

He kicks Beau Up!

Lana takes out cell phone

LANA Then I’m calling the police.

SONNY Call the fucking police.

LANA Don’t matter you driving off. 1992 VW hatchback in green. DRW692.

SONNY What the hell!

LANA I’m asking you to leave this diner for a little bit of time. Maybe 10 minutes.

SONNY I’m working.

LANA Are you the waiter? Good. A Diet Coke, a Danish, and a Nicoise Salad.

BEAU Maybe you ougta’ do what she says, Sonny.

LANA Sonny? That’s sort of ambiguous, hunh?

SONNY I’ve got work I’m doing for the United States government.

LANA Fine. You deal with the bathroom door and I’ll watch the Chief! Give me your gun and I’ll keep an eye on him.

SONNY What are you talking about? (beat) Keep an eye on him?

taking out his gun

How do you know I’m doing that? How do you know I have a gun?

LANA Cause that’s what you have, and that’s why you won’t leave him alone with me even though that’s the fucking best thing you could be doing right now.

SONNY (to Beau) You know about this?

BEAU I’m trying to figure it out, man.

SONNY Do you know her?

BEAU No. Never seen her before.

LANA He doesn’t know me.

SONNY Is this some kind of an escape?

LANA Not exactly.

SONNY Are you working for the oil companies?

LANA I’m not working for the oil companies.

SONNY Maybe you think you’re going to take him into town so he can have a pow-wow with the President and talk about that Alaska shit with the newspapers.

BEAU It’s a free country, Sonny. I can talk.

SONNY This is shaping up to look like a plan. You got a plan coming here don’t you lady.

LANA Put the gun down.

SONNY Why would I put the gun down?

LANA It’ll make this a lot easier.

SONNY Easier? You think I should want to make this easier?

LANA Put the gun down!

SONNY

You want me to put the gun down? You want me to stroll out there across the driveway and check on some fat lady in a bathroom so you can run off with my prisoner. Is that the kind of easier you’re talking about?

LANA I’m talking about you getting out of this fucking diner so I can do what I’m supposed to do without increasing the body count.

SONNY I’m not getting out. You get out!

BEAU (beginning to realize) Sonny, man….

SONNY Shut-up!

BEAU (to Sonny) Let’s go, okay. I’m going with you.

LANA He’s not going with you.

SONNY You’re not walking out on me, Tonto. No escape here.

Sonny helps Beau to a stand

LANA Stand away from him.

BEAU This isn’t cool, Sonny.

SONNY You know lady, this is probably the worst fucking escape plan I’ve ever seen. I’m the one with the gun.

LANA I’m giving you one last chance.

BEAU I’ll wait in the car.

Sonny aims the gun at Beau

SONNY You hold it right there.

BEAU Come-on Sonny. This isn’t what you want to do.

Lana draws a gun. Points it at Sonny.

LANA Drop your gun.

The three form a triangle SONNY What the fuck!

LANA Just get in your little German Jetta and write it up that the Indian got away. It wouldn’t be the first time for you, would it?

BEAU (to Sonny) We’re on the same side here, man.

LANA I’m counting to three.

SONNY You’re counting to three? Listen Lady – I’ve got him at point blank. No matter what you’re thinking, or which highfalutin environmental organization has you wrapped around their finger, he’s not going with you.

BEAU Let me go out to the car. I’ll wait for you in the car.

SONNY (to Beau) Am I talking to you?

LANA I’m starting to count.

SONNY You shoot me, he’s dead. You let us go – maybe you can try your rescue mission down the road. In another lifetime. Not on my watch, okay?!

LANA

One.

BEAU This isn’t what you think it is.

SONNY I got a reputation to build-up. A perception.

LANA I said one. I counted to one.

SONNY Why? Why are you counting?

BEAU You gotta make her stop.

LANA Two.

She cocks the gun

BEAU She’s not fooling around.

SONNY You’re fucking crazy.

SONNY cocks his gun

LANA Let him go.

BEAU Sonny, man.

SONNY Don’t try it.

LANA Three!

She changes the aim of her gun and SHOOTS Beau several times. He reverberates, then collapses dead. Blood everywhere.

SONNY

What are you doing!? What the fuck are you fucking doing!?

LANA (lightly You’re stupid, you know that! This could’ve been a lot easier. Didn’t I tell you that? Now there’s blood all over your face – your clothes, and it’s gonna get in your car and what are you going to say when the cops come? (beat) You’re taking care of the body.

SONNY What do you mean?

She takes out a cell phone and presses a key. She fixes herself a cup of coffee-to-go as she talks.

LANA (spelling it out) Put him in your trunk – not in my trunk. Put your feathered friend in your VW, drive down the road, and then call Mr. Billy Evans who will tell you what to do with him.

SONNY What?

LANA The PR guy in the suit who keeps our country running like clockwork.

Lana keys a phone number into the phone

SONNY I don’t know a PR guy in a suit.

LANA He hired you to keep the Indian out of town ‘cause I’m going through a life crisis and I have things on my mind.

SONNY What?

LANA I got off track so Billy Evans had to call you in –

SONNY To keep the Indian out of town.

LANA

I just said that.

SONNY It was a phone call. I don’t know if he was wearing a suit.

LANA (into phone to Annabelle). I’m working with an idiot.

SONNY Working with? We’re working together?

LANA (into the phone) Where did Billy get this guy, cause he’s in kindergarten, so Mr Evans needs to get over here and make this right. (to Sonny) I’m working with you and you’re in pre-school. (into phone) . . . What, Annabelle? . . . I don’t give a shit if Billy’s planning a wedding. We have a mess over here and someone has to help me out. . . I told you I’m in a life crisis and I can’t do this anymore. My focus is way-the-fuck off and I’m no longer comfortable with killing people.

SONNY All I did was stop to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. I had instructions to stop here at Joe’s Place and get a Diet Dr. Pepper.

LANA (to Sonny) Did you really think you were supposed to drive into a desert sunset with a political activist who can prove the Indians own New York City, and then just pat him on the back and let him go trotting off? (into phone) . . . There was a coupon on the desk for a new ink cartridge . (to Sonny) Did you know about the fat lady?(to Annabelle) Did he know about the fat lady?

SONNY What fat lady?

LANA How come you don’t listen? I’ve been telling you about the fat lady pushed up against the door to the rest room. (into the phone) Someone didn’t do their homework. She was hired by the oil companies. Why didn’t I know about her? You know how I feel about surprises. (To Sonny) I don’t like surprises. It puts me on edge.

SONNY On edge? You’re on edge?

LANA (to Sonny) Out of sorts. I’m a little out of sorts. I told you.

SONNY

Cause of your life crisis.

LANA That’s right. (into phone) You’re going to have to invoice Billy Evans for the fat lady. . . I didn’t have a choice, Annabelle. This salsa dance teacher picks her up from the side of the road cause her car is broken down, and she brings her right fucking here where she somehow knows that Mr. Joke-for-a-Bounty-Hunter is bringing the Indian. So I have to kill her – (to Sonny) so she’s dead. And you know why? Cause she was trying to make a difference in a world that’s way too fucking complicated. I mean who saves Indians? No one saves Indians. (into phone) . . . Just the fat lady and the Native American, and almost the guy who was driving the bus, but Billy had my back on him. He gave him a shot of Pen . . . Yeah. The guy I was investigating for the insurance company who I kind of think is cute, and then I nearly shot him. Like shooting myself in the foot, right? Just like me to finally like someone then kill them.

SONNY What insurance company?

LANA (to Sonny) It’s my cover. (into phone) Yeah, then I’d be sitting here with three dead bodies. And that would be a bigger mess than I got now. Will you give Mr. Evans a call and tell him it’s a mess? He’ll have to stop off on the way to the wedding. Lana clicks out of the cell call.

SONNY You work for an insurance company?

LANA I investigate insurance claims on fake deaths so people don’t think I’m a fucking assassin. And that’s what I’m doing -- I’m following this guy who’s pulling a scam on an insurance company, and under this new identity he turns up driving a tour bus of women taking in spiritual landmarks.

SONNY Like that rock in Sedona?

LANA It’s not like Tibet, but they had an itinerary. So I’m following this bus wondering how I can accidentally run into this guy and maybe go out with him. Then I get a call from Mr. Billy Evans who wants to know why the Indian is on his way to a fucking Fireman’s Ball where he can make trouble with I don’t know who –

SONNY The President. It’s his home town.

LANA

Whoever. So I tell him. I admit it. I forgot. The Red Skin / wasn’t --

SONNY His name was Beauregard.

LANA I don’t care what his name is. He wasn’t supposed to get passed Nevada, but the whole thing escaped me, and I got nervous cause I’ve never let the smallest detail out of my control, and I realize I have to fix this. So I get Annabelle to hack into the bus tour itinerary and schedule an early supper stop at Joe’s.

SONNY Here?

LANA Yeah. And now look at the mess we’re in.

SONNY Maybe you shouldn’t have shot the guy.

LANA If I had the time, I would’ve done booze and a car crash. But this is the Midwest, right – Native Americans still get shot here. I’m sure they do.

SONNY What about the fat woman?

LANA Well that’s a pain in the ass. When she was dying, she slipped on her blood like it was a banana peel and she fell against the door. She’s three hundred pounds. What am I going to do? We have to leave her there.

SONNY You can’t leave a dead woman in a bathroom. That’s not right.

LANA How’d you get into this line of work?

SONNY I couldn’t make it as a stand-up.

LANA That’s funny.

SONNY

If you leave her, there’ll be an investigation. The police will be looking for a motive.

LANA A lot of people get shot without there being a motive for it. That’s just us trying to make sense out something that doesn’t make sense. She’s a regular dead person in a restroom in the middle of nowhere. I have to spell out everything for you, don’t I? I hope I never have to work with you again.

SONNY You still think we’re working together?

LANA This is good material. You can write it up for Comedy Central.

Lana keys a number into her phone

SONNY This isn’t funny.

LANA There’s a fat woman dead in a bathroom in the middle of nowhere and no one can get the door open to clean it up. That’s pretty funny. (beat) I feel sorry for her. Wow. Why do I feel sorry for her? I shouldn’t feel anything. That’s why I went down this career path.

Lana crosses to the door.

SONNY Where are you going?

LANA (Into the phone) Hi Annabelle. . . Did you get a hold of Billy? . . .Yes I know, but how many Xerox copies are we doing a month?

LANA exits talking on the phone.

SONNY How is this funny? Shit. (Hesitantly; it comes to him as he speaks) There’s this – this – Okay, there’s this fat lady. She’s crossing this street. It’s not a busy street. It’s like in the middle of nowhere and she’s crossing this street and from a long way off this pretty girl in a car, in a Sebring convertible, is racing towards the fat lady, and she’s coming fast, about 50 miles an hour and kicking up dust cause she’s mad at her boyfriend for cheating on her. So the fat lady is in the center of the road by now, and she turns to this convertible coming straight at her and she sees the car slam on its breaks and its wheels lock and the car skids right up to her. Its fender is like right up against this fat woman,

and the girl is standing up looking over her windshield and she’s pissed. Flustered and pissed. And the fat woman is wide-eyed and her hands are on her hips, and she yells at the girl. She says “What’s the matter with you? You almost hit me. Why didn’t you go around me? You had plenty of room to go around me.” And the girl is standing up looking over her windshield and she says, “If I had gone around you, I would’ve run out of gas.” She says “I would have run out of gas.” Yeah. That’s not bad.

Sonny looks around.

So this is like a whole routine. Maybe it’s good.

He walks out leaving Beau on the floor.

Fade in a song like “Little Miss Jack” by The Growlers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T6ZSQvn-js

Eddie stumbles into the scene from the backroom. He’s dizzy and doesn’t have it all together. He doesn’t see Beau on the floor. He sits at one of the tables, tries to focus ahead. He can’t.

EDDIE Oh, Jesus.

He lays his head on the table.

Lights fade ending the scene.

Scene Five –

The clock’s hands turn counter clockwise to 4:00. The sun is low in the sky. The sign on the front door reads OPEN. Lana’s purse is on the counter. A wide brimmed hat and sunglasses sit on one of the tables.

From outside we hear a car pull into the drive and the song “Little Miss Jack” by The Growlers playing on the car radio.

JAMI (os) You want a fried egg sandwich and a side of bacon. I got it. We’ll order it inside. You just take your time.

The song is switched off. MARIA LLORENTE, a Latino woman in her early thirties enters from the front door and stops at a table. She’s upset but is able to pull herself together with a single intake and exhale of breath. She takes a compact and lip gloss from her purse. She applies the lipstick. All’s good. Jami enters next.

JAMI Miss Llorente? Are you all right?

MARIA Of course I’m not all right.

She sits at a table with her back to him.

JAMI Is it okay if we continue? The light is good here.

MARIA There’s no use in it. I’m no longer going to the Fireman’s Ball. You have no story, Jami.

JAMI You bought a new dress.

MARIA It’s hanging in the back of the car.

JAMI You have an appointment to get your nails manicured and your hair done.

MARIA It will be wasted.

JAMI I’m sorry. I truly am, but you’re in good company. Throughout all time and all cultures -- love has created heartache. It’s the source of our loneliness and sorrow and hatred. (beat) Let me see your face.

MARIA I am crying. I don’t want anyone to see . . .

JAMI That you feel emotion and express it? How can you not? You’re a dancer. You had your heart broken by a message left on a cell phone. By a radio wave bouncing off a satellite out beyond our atmosphere.

MARIA I am supposed to perform a dance tonight.

JAMI Yes. You. Maria Llorente – Immigrant Cuban beauty, heartbroken and disillusioned in the heartland. It’s a beautiful story. The tragedy we all live. Because you are all of us. A victim to what the world does every day, every minute to every one. Like the fat woman in the bathroom. She is so desperate to find meaning in her life that she can’t see what’s right in front of her and she runs over a highway marsupial. Splat!

MARIA Please, Jami.

JAMI If you had not been the hero today – her hero, she would still be broken down on the side of the road.

MARIA I --

JAMI You need some color. Some vitality. How about we look at a menu?

JAMI looks for menus as LANA enters from the back room with the gun in her hand. She hides it behind her back.

JAMI Oh. Hi. We were just looking for a menu. Is it okay if we sit anywhere?

LANA What?

JAMI There’s three of us. -- Well one is in the restroom. Do you have menus?

LANA looks around. Hands JAMI a stack. Puts her gun in her purse.

JAMI Oh. Well, let’s see.

LANA Are you a photographer?

JAMI Journalist.

LANA A reporter?

JAMI I have degree in journalism from the University of Michigan, but only 52% of journalism graduates were able to get a full time job last year. The average salary is $30,000. So I thought I’d start with this county paper as a stepping-stone. But the stones here are actually microscopic pebbles. Not one murder in the whole year I’ve been on the desk. (to Maria) They have Niçoise salad. You want to try that.

MARIA No thank you.

JAMI Upside is you should feel safe. There’s a lady in the bathroom and I think she wants a fried egg sandwich and a side of bacon. She’s very large so you should use cannoli oil instead of butter when you make the eggs. Maybe microwave instead of fry. We don’t really know her. She ran over something in the road and it blew out her tire. (to Maria) How about clams casino? That’s not Spanish is it? You need to eat Ms. Llorente.

MARIA I think that’s what you should write your story about.

JAMI screws a lens on the camera to snap more pictures.

JAMI Road kill. (to Lana) See that’s the kind of news we get here. (re position for the camera) Can you scoot a foot to the …

LANA tries to avoid the camera frame while Jami guides her into the shot.

LANA No. I don’t want to ….

JAMI Clicks.

MARIA She said she was going to rescue an Indian and that it wasn’t just a single life that depended on her, but the revitalization of a civilization. That sounds important.

LANA (as in” can you repeat what you just said”) What was she going to do?

JAMI It’s not a real story. We don’t have Indians. We have irrigation problems. Sometimes, a billboard falls over. I was banking on serial killers and escaped convicts. America’s heartland with all the ailments and psychoses of the whole country bottled up, exaggerated and packaged into a deceptively perfect small-town in America. Camera clicks You have no idea the dreams I had. Pulitzer. Prime-time special guest. Keynote speaker. Panels. Documentaries. A little more blush.

Jami applies blush to Maria

LANA What did you say this woman looked like?

MARIA A little on the heavy side.

JAMI Fat and idle.

MARIA You can’t be very idle if you’re saving a civilization.

Camera clicks.

LANA What are you doing?

JAMI Before I got on board, my paper covered the entire county with four pages. Eight thousand square miles. Do you understand how lame that is. Then I add a lifestyle section and we upped our page count to 24 and increased circulation to half the population. You might want to take out an ad. Lifestyle is hot. It’s like reality TV. People want to read about other people.

LANA That woman in the bathroom . . .

JAMI See you’re interested.

LANA You brought her here.

JAMI Because this immigrant woman from Cuba cared.

MARIA I was crying the whole way.

JAMI I know people, Maria. Listen to me. You are a star in the making and I am making you a star. (to Lana) Do you see it?

LANA See what?

MARIA Her beauty. Her sensitivity. Her vulnerability. The fat woman who is in the bathroom right now. She was in a hurry out there. She zoomed passed us at a break neck speed and ran full force into a varmint in the middle of the road.

MARIA The car spun around and skidded into the dirt.

JAMI There was blood and guts everywhere. Anyone else would’ve kept driving. I would’ve kept driving. (to Lana) You would’ve – Kerplunk. Right over the bones and marrow (to Maria) but you didn’t. You stopped.

MARIA It was awful.

JAMI Because you care.

LANA Excuse me. I have to –

LANA picks up her purse.

JAMI This is the middle of America. (to Lana) Isn’t it?

LANA Yes.

JAMI Right. It’s a void. A microcosm of everywhere else. A steady dustbowl. Sand sweeping across the plains in gusts to cover the marks made by the cars and the footsteps that came during the day. Does something happen when there’s no trace of it? If it occurs and then is gone, was it ever there?

LANA Was what there?

JAMI You. Me. Maria Llorente. I’m not talking about “if a-tree-falls-in-the-forest.” That tree lies there. It’s there tomorrow for someone to trip over it. It decomposes and feeds the seedlings that grow into other trees that fall over years later. I’m talking about who notices, which is why I’m a reporter, a writer. I keep account and don’t let things go unnoticed. Do you want to take our order?

LANA I need to check the restroom supplies. I have to make sure there are supplies.

JAMI Yeah. You can’t leave your patrons without toilet paper. We all have a part in the story. You want to go the bathroom, Miss Llorente? You can comb your hair.

MARIA Is it a mess?

JAMI Yes.

LANA No. Your hair is fine. You – You stay here and I’ll – I’ll clean the mirrors.

JAMI (to Maria) Maybe you can try a little clip on the side, or maybe . . .

Jami picks up the hat and glasses

JAMI (to Lana) Is this yours? Is it okay if Ms. Llorente wears it?

MARIA To hide my very sad face.

LANA (lying) It’s – it’s not mine, but why do you …?

Jami lays the glasses on Maria’s table and places the hat on her head.

JAMI Click-click.

LANA Click-click?

JAMI For the Lifestyle section. It’s on Maria Llorente at the Fireman’s Ball. The next town down the road. It’s part of a special insert on the popularity of salsa dance in the heartland. Do you dance?

LANA No.

JAMI Ms. Llorente can teach you.

LANA No. I don’t / dan –

JAMI She’s performing a special tango piece to show the acceptance of Latinos in the white- lands. (noticing Lana’s purse) You’re taking your purse to clean the bathroom mirrors?

LANA Ummm.

MARIA Jami?

He kneels to put the glasses on Maria’s face.

JAMI What is it Senoirita?

MARIA I’m not performing tonight. I’m not going.

LANA (needing to leave) Excuse-me. I have to --

LANA exits

JAMI Why aren’t you going?

MARIA I don’t have a date. My date cancelled. I can’t go without ---

JAMI Shhh. You don’t understand the newspaper business. We have a narrative. We have drama like one of those Hollywood pieces. This is a Hollywood piece, Ms. Llorente. It’s the kind of news that sells papers and is picked up by television. It turns regular people into stars. You swim from Cuba. Hitch hike from Miami. Give life to small town America. Revive an entire county and it’s all because of the American dream of success and love and happiness. You work hard. You’re pretty. You dance. You do all the right things and right things will happen for you. But -- is the American dream still out there? It started on the coasts. Ellis island and the California Gold Rush. Then it went everywhere. It became the mindset -– Cattle in the Great Plains. Cars in Detroit. Oil in Texas. Technology in San Francisco. But what does it do? It fades from the edges, dissipates throughout the country. Thins out. Becomes nothing more than a dot. And here we are. Poof! Foreclosures, unemployment. Is the dream still there? The American fireman and immigrant dancer. My pebble has become a stone.

Sound of gunshots from outside

MARIA What was that?

JAMI A truck backfiring.

Maria removes the sunglasses

MARIA Where I come from we would think it was gun shots; someone getting shot and killed with arteries blown open and organs and blood everywhere, like that animal on the road.

JAMI We should be so lucky. Lifestyle is what we get here, Miss Maria. Maybe an occasional varmint making its way out of the wilderness. That’s all. Do you know why everyone is taking your tango class? Why some of them drive 50 miles?

MARIA So they can dance.

JAMI So they can feel. On those reality TV shows, they watch other people live because they don’t know how to do it themselves. If they’re lucky a camera crew will walk onto their front porch so their life can kick in for an episode.

MARIA So you think I should still go to this Fireman’s Ball.

JAMI Yes. And I will take your picture and write your story. Do you remember when you teach the Tango? “It’s the road,” you say -- not the destination.

MARIA The Tango.

JAMI What is it, Senorita Llorente? What is this dance you teach?

MARIA places the hat next to the glasses and forms the dance. She engages Jami in the moves. MARIA We keep a frame around ourselves. Keep our eyes straight. We know we are not one, but when we dance we forget and move like it is so. We let the rhythm of the music move through us. The boy slips his hand from the girl’s hand. He touches the small of her back to guide her into a turn. She does not lean into it.

JAMI We Frame. Chin up, eyes forward.

MARIA Breathe.

JAMI We dance the Tango don’t we? Isn’t that what we do?

MARIA Si, senor. Fade in a Blues-Tango fusion like “Where did you Sleep Last night” by Nirvana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaCzydWesVA

As they dance, the lights fade ending the scene

Scene Six –

Late afternoon. The clock shows 3:00. KATHY, the manager of the coffee shop, writes in large letters on a piece of cardboard. We don’t see the words. She admires it. Sighs. Then tucks it behind the counter. She’s tidying up when EDDIE opens the door and slips in. The sign reads OPEN. He scans the interior. She stops and watches him.

EDDIE I’m sorry. I – I don’t mean to rush in like this.

KATHY Can I help you?

EDDIE Is there anyone else in here?

KATHY I don’t know if I should answer that.

EDDIE Please.

KATHY Are you going to rob me? There’s nothing here worth a police record.

EDDIE No, I wouldn’t do that. I just need a break for a minute.

He changes the sign to read CLOSED. Locks the door.

KATHY You can’t turn that sign around.

He pulls a chair against the door.

EDDIE I’m not really doing anything. I just – . I have a situation. Can I have a -- a coffee?

The nob of the door turns, then someone knocking against it. Kathy gets his coffee

EDDIE (to KATHY) Shhh.

DIANE (os) Hello?

KATHY I have to keep the place open.

EDDIE If you could just wait a minute.

DIANE (os) Eddie? Are you in there?

Kathy hands Eddie the coffee

EDDIE (quietly to Kathy) Don’t say anything.

DIANE The sign says the place is closed.

KATHY (to Eddie) We’re not closed.

Eddie eyes the window, crosses over and closes the curtains.

EDDIE It’s okay. I have this under control.

KATHY I have to let her in.

EDDIE No. It’s okay. I’m ordering to-go. Fourteen to-go dinners.

KATHY Fourteen?

EDDIE Yeah. See – you don’t even have fourteen chairs. It’s better if they eat on the bus.

KATHY You have a bus?

EDDIE A tour.

KATHY Fine. What will it be?

EDDIE You can start with those salt and pepper packets. And napkins. I have to think about what to get them.

KATHY Who are you ordering for?

EDDIE I don’t know. Women. Maybe a couple are trans-genders. Some might be gay. Divorced. Unhappily married. I just drive. I look at the road not the seats behind me.

KATHY Where you driving to?

EDDIE Spiritual landmarks. Most of the drive is pretty much nothing, then we get to some kind of a rock that has a story passed down from the Native Americans or the Mayans or Lewis and whoever

KATHY Clarke

EDDIE It doesn’t matter. Someone tells a story about a rock and it suddenly goes from being a naturally occurring aggregate of minerals to a spiritual vortex. I’m just trying to make it to Devil’s Tower before dark.

KATHY There’s a story about Devil’s Tower.

EDDIE It’s a rule. A place can’t be sacred if it doesn’t have a story. (beat) What about here?

KATHY I don’t think “Joe’s Place” is sacred. There’s no story that I know of.

EDDIE That’s kinda weird. It came through on an updated itinerary.

KATHY “Joe’s Place” is on your itinerary?

EDDIE I just do what I’m told.

Pause KATHY (sigh, as she thinks about their order) A bus of women on a spiritual quest.

EDDIE For the most part.

KATHY You should order salad.

Kathy hands him a menu

EDDIE They sang for 211 miles. I took the job cause I needed to start something new and the ad said “Go Across the Country on Us”. No responsibility. No stress. Peace of mind and a break from life – (re menu) Wow. This is extensive for a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

KATHY I recommend the Cobb or Niçoise.

EDDIE Cobb or Niçoise? You got that on the menu? Niçoise?

KATHY smiles.

EDDIE Who makes this up? (the menu). I would never put Niçoise on a menu.

KATHY They come in that way. All made up and ready to go.

EDDIE Okay. That makes sense. I mean if you had to make 14 Niçoise salads, we’d be here all afternoon, and I’m supposed to get that bus to --

KATHY Devil’s Tower. It’s not far -- about 2 ½ hours. You should stop in town for the speeches.

EDDIE It has to be on the schedule.

KATHY It’s politics.

EDDIE Then you’re talking about security and cameras, which I’m not into.

KATHY There’s a dance after. A Fireman’s Ball.

EDDIE I don’t think my tour ladies are into politics or balls. They’re looking for meaning. I was hoping for a wormhole in the desert that could take them to another part of the universe.

KATHY I don’t think you like your job too much.

EDDIE Understatement. Do you like yours? Filling salt shakers and busing people’s dirty dishes?

KATHY I have to work somewhere.

EDDIE This is like 60 miles from somewhere and that’s a long commute.

KATHY There’s a trailer out back. I get room, board, eleven dollars an hour and tips. It’s easy. The inventory stays the same. There’s a schedule for deliveries, garbage, deposits. The only thing I have trouble with is the maintenance and it’s only cause I’m not good with a screwdriver. There’s a phone number for service, except no one answers.

A few knocks on the door

DIANE (os) Eddie.

KATHY crosses to open it.

EDDIE No. Stop! What are you doing?

KATHY I’m opening the door. I can’t keep people out.

EDDIE Of course you can keep people out. You’re closed.

KATHY I’m not closed.

EDDIE Maybe I didn’t explain the situation.

KATHY This is silly, (accentuating) Eddie.

EDDIE That’s not real. (beat) It’s not my real name.

KATHY Okay.

EDDIE I’m getting used to it, though. Eddie. Eddie Logan. (reading her name tag) You’re Kathy. Is that real?

KATHY Yeah.

DIANE(os) Eddie, we don’t think this is a sacred place. I don’t have a brochure on it.

He doesn’t respond.

KATHY (to Eddie quietly) No brochure.

DIANE (os) Hello?

KATHY She knows you’re in here.

DIANE (os) Eddie?

KATHY Say “what.”

EDDIE (to Kathy) Why?

KATHY You’re her bus driver. Answer her.

EDDIE No.

KATHY I’m opening the door.

She unlocks and swings the door open.

DIANE Oh. Hi. I don’t mean to disturb you. I was looking for our bus driver.

Kathy points to Eddie.

DIANE Hi.

EDDIE Hi.

DIANE There’s something I need to tell you.

KATHY Ask her “what.”

EDDIE What?

DIANE A car just pulled into the parking lot. It’s a silver Audi and I noticed that when the lady got out, her purse fell open and a gun rolled out.

EDDIE A gun?

KATHY Should I call the police?

EDDIE No. No. Guns don’t roll. There’s no gun. You’ll be fine, Deborah.

DIANE Diane. I’m Diane, Eddie. I’m the organizer. I noticed that it’s the same Audi that started following us when we left the Canyonlands.

KATHY Someone’s been following you since Utah?

EDDIE No. There are like two roads out here. What else is a car going to do except be on one of them. (to Diane) There’s nothing to worry about.

DIANE It parked in a spot then a lady got out . She dropped her purse. The gun rolled, and then she got back in, and she’s just been sitting there.

EDDIE Maybe she’s looking at a map

DIANE Audis have GPS.

EDDIE I’m sure it’s all fine.

DIANE She was wearing a big hat and sunglasses.

EDDIE I’m ordering everyone salads and then we’ll be back on the road. If she follows us again, I’ll lose her.

DIANE It’s just suspicious seeing how this stop isn’t on our itinerary.

EDDIE It came through as an update.

DIANE What if it’s not a legitimate update? What if it’s a hack?

EDDIE It’s not a hack. You’re being paranoid, Deborah.

KATHY Diane.

EDDIE Why don’t you organize the other women for a restroom break?

DIANE Don’t you think it’s suspicious that we were rerouted to a coffee shop in the middle nowhere and the car that’s been following us for almost 400 miles turns into the same parking lot?

EDDIE No. It’s not suspicious.

He ushers Diane out the door

EDDIE Go to the bathroom please.

He locks the door.

KATHY You should listen to her.

From outside the window, Diane raises the sash and parts the curtains

DIANE Do they have Niçoise salad? We would all like Niçoise salad.

EDDIE Yes Niçoise. Fourteen Niçoise.

Eddie closes the window and jimmies a knife to keep it shut.

KATHY You don’t trust people do you?

EDDIE To do what?

He closes the curtains.

Kathy prepares the to-go order in a large brown paper bag

KATHY I’m putting in a few dressings. You want more coffee?

EDDIE I’ll get it. You can just get the salads together.

He gets coffee. KATHY Where are you from?

EDDIE A place outside of Tucson.

KATHY It’s not on my list of places to go.

EDDIE We have something in common. I’m moving forward. Eyes on the road.

KATHY Along with Diane and 13 singing women.

EDDIE Yeah. Jeeze. They sang the whole time. The same song all day.

KATHY Which one?

EDDIE The one with thirty five verses and the only one everyone knows is about the Chevy and the Levee

KATHY (singing) A long, long time ago...

EDDIE Yeah that’s it.

KATHY I can still remember how

EDDIE Please don’t sing it.

KATHY That music used to make me smile

EDDIE It’s pretty popular

KATHY And I knew if I had my chance That I could make those people dance And maybe, they’d be happy for a while

EDDIE Sorry I brought it up.

KATHY That song got me through a lot of miles of highway - I’m putting in extra napkins – It’s how I wound up here. I stopped in to get a cup of coffee and use the bathroom, and I saw a “help wanted” sign.” I had never been a waitress before, so I applied.

EDDIE And now you’re running the whole place.

KATHY I used to be a scientist.

Struggles with the refrigerator door, which has a loose hinge, not allowing it to close properly.

This door gives me a lot of trouble. I think it needs a screwdriver.

EDDIE You want me to look at it?

KATHY It’s something with the hinge.

Eddie examines the door while Kathy hands him a screwdriver.

EDDIE I thought scientists had active left brains which is good for math and fixing things

KATHY I was in theoretical physics. We actually cause more problems than we fix.

EDDIE Don’t you need a Ph.D for something like that?

KATHY University of Wisconsin, 2006. Then I worked at the White Sands Testing Facility in New Mexico for a few years.

EDDIE Did you quit?

KATHY I was part of the NASA layoffs. I was thinking of training to be an astronaut in one of the private space programs but I don’t like heights or closed-in spaces, so I started driving.

EDDIE Wow.

KATHY There’s a lot of open space in this country.

Eddie finishes his work.

EDDIE The door should be okay.

KATHY Thanks. Where are you going after Devil’s Tower?

EDDIE The Badlands, then into Canada. Our last stop is some place in Saskatchewan to see the Northern Lights.

She enters numbers in a calculator.

KATHY Science says the lights are a result of charged electrons from solar winds colliding with the elements in our atmosphere. The nonscientific explanation has to do with spirits using torches to guide the dead into the next world.

EDDIE I didn’t know that.

KATHY It’s probably in one of Diane’s brochures. The total is $148.76. That includes tax but no tip. Why are you doing it? Saskatchewan is a long way from Tucson. It’s a lot of miles to go up and back with a busload of women.

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EDDIE I wasn’t planning on going back.

KATHY It gets pretty cold up there in the winter, and some Native American legends say it’s bad luck to get too close to the intersection of life and death. They say it can be confusing.

Eddie scans the bill.

EDDIE I’m hoping it will be a new start. You should do an automatic tip when it’s more than 6 people.

KATHY It’s a to-go order. Do you want me to add 10%?

EDDIE lays cash on the table.

EDDIE Fifteen.

KATHY You don’t have to do that for a to-go order.

EDDIE That’s okay. I won’t be needing it in the great outdoors.

Kathy gathers the money and puts it in the drawer

KATHY What happened in that town outside of Tucson?

EDDIE I had a wife and a kid, but it just didn’t work out, so I’m looking for options.

KATHY Aren’t options something you look for on the stock market? I don’t think you look for options when you have a family, Eddie.

KATHY crosses to the door. Unlocks it.

EDDIE No, no. Please don’t do that. It’s not as black and white as it sounds. It’s not rocket science, Kathy. I didn’t just walk out on my family.

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KATHY Not very convincing. (calls out) Diane, honey? Do you girls want desert?

EDDIE No. Don’t ask them that. Let me tell you what happened. (calling out door) It’s okay. I’ve got it, Debby. I got it under control. I’m ordering dessert.

KATHY Apple pie or Chocolate?

EDDIE closes the door. Doesn’t lock it.

EDDIE Both.

Kathy gathers the desserts and adds them to the bag

EDDIE I was a project manager.

KATHY For what?

EDDIE Does it matter? It’s the new catch-all for a mid-management dead-end job. I had a cubicle and a platinum membership with Southwest Airlines.

Eddie selects a roll of lifesavers from the rack.

KATHY That’s a dollar.

He puts a dollar on the counter. Diane opens the door.

DIANE The bathroom out there is amazing. I mean isn’t it the truth that you don’t know what to expect from facilities when you’re on the road? But it’s like a hotel -- Potpourri, framed pictures, a polished mirror, even a lavender diffuser.

KATHY I always thought that a bathroom could make or break a road-trip experience.

DIANE You made ours. We all love it. You should check it out, Eddie.

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EDDIE I’m fine.

Kathy computes the dessert total with the calculator

DIANE Do you think I could have a cup of tea --? (to Eddie) What’s her name?

EDDIE I’m sorry. I - I don’t / remember.

KATHY Kathy. Herbal or black? (to Eddie) It’s another $63.15.

DIANE For the tea?

KATHY The dessert. The tea is on me.

DIANE Thank you. Do you have chamomile?

KATHY My favorite.

Eddie lays the money on the table.

EDDIE Keep the change.

KATHY I don’t want to.

EDDIE Will you let me explain?

KATHY Do the others want to come in?

EDDIE No.

DIANE They’re having a blast out there. Do you remember the lady with the gun?

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EDDIE It’s not a real gun.

DIANE She knows all the verses to “American Pie,” and she’s been teaching us so we can sing the whole thing out the open windows when we’re crossing the US border. She’s a very nice woman, and we think you should ask her on a date and maybe fall in love with her so you can relax.

EDDIE No thank you. I’m pretty relaxed, Deborah.

DIANE Why do you keep calling me Deborah?

KATHY It doesn’t seem like Eddie Logan is ready to settle down.

EDDIE I’m trying to set things straight and maybe get a new go at things.

DIANE Well, no pressure but I can tell when I walk into the same room as you that you’ve got issues with your fourth chakra. That’s the heart. I think you and the lady with the gun should get to know each other.

Kathy delivers the tea

DIANE Thank you, Kathy.

Eddie takes the mug and pours it into a to-go cup.

EDDIE I’m just not ready for blind dates with women who have guns falling out of their purses.

DIANE A testament to the dating world. It isn’t easy.

He hands the to-go cup to Diane.

EDDIE Why don’t you get everyone back in the bus. I’m going to settle up here, and bring out the food.

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DIANE Just as long as you don’t think you can ask Kathy here for a date. Don’t give him your number. She isn’t right for you and you’re not right for her. She has a bright future out there.

KATHY That’s nice to know.

DIANE The lady with the gun, on the other hand -- she’s lonely and messed up like you.

Eddie escorts her to the door.

EDDIE I imagine she is.

He guides her out and closes the door. Then puts a chair in front of it.

EDDIE (to Kathy) I don’t want you thinking I’m the bad guy.

KATHY Too late.

EDDIE I came home early from a business trip and Meghan, that’s my wife - she was going out on a date. She said it was a good thing I came home because the babysitter had to cancel. She didn’t even try to hide it. She said I was boring. She said all I did was go to work, go on business trips and fall asleep.

KATHY I’m sorry about that, but you have a kid.

EDDIE Who cries every time he sees me. I honestly think their life is better now.

KATHY You left them.

EDDIE I made sure I had a good life insurance policy.

KATHY What does that mean?

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EDDIE This isn’t my hair color.

KATHY I don’t understand.

EDDIE These aren’t my clothes.

KATHY What are you telling me? Are you telling me you’re dead? Someone back in Tucson had a funeral for you and now you’re ordering nicoise salad on your way to Canada. Insurance companies don’t pay when there isn’t a body, Eddie.

EDDIE That’s not my real name.

KATHY Insurance companies are smart. They don’t just hand out money when someone calls out I’m dead.

EDDIE I drove to this little place at the southern tip of California where there are a lot of sharks. I rented the gear, the boat. Stayed out all day. Then I left the boat and swam downstream into Mexico. It was about 10 miles. . .

KATHY You swam?

EDDIE (beat) Yeah, and I left some of my clothes stained with my blood in the / water . . .

KATHY Sharks?

EDDIE It could’ve really happened. They were swimming all around me and I was hoping they’d attack. It would have been simpler if they did, but they / didn’t--

KATHY Wow! Sharks. There are investigators for these things.

EDDIE I haven’t met one.

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KATHY They’re under cover, Eddie. How would you know if you met one?

EDDIE I planned this pretty well.

KATHY Meaning what? You got a fake driver’s license in Mexico for a bottle of Tequila and a hundred bucks and then you take a job driving a bus to Saskatchewan.

EDDIE I saw a billboard for this tour company and I thought it was a sign – I mean…. It could have been. I just didn’t expect all the singing.

KATHY Maybe it’s your hell.

Eddie, frustrated, puts bus keys on the table.

EDDIE Yeah. Well, I don’t want this kind of a hell, and maybe I can’t even make it to Devil’s Tower with, with --

KATHY Diane.

EDDIE How do you remember her name?

KATHY The situation we’re in right now is -- serendipitous, Eddie.

EDDIE I don’t know what you mean.

Kathy unties her apron and sets it on the counter.

KATHY Do you know where you are?

EDDIE Wyoming.

KATHY I think you can make better use of this place than me.

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She puts the shop keys on the counter.

KATHY How about if I take the salads to the bus?

She picks up the bus keys.

KATHY You can post your own hours. Deliveries are on Monday. Trash on Tuesday. The keys are labeled.

EDDIE What are you doing?

KATHY Are you okay with this?

EDDIE No. I don’t think so. No.

KATHY I was thinking of putting a “help wanted” sign in the window.

From behind the counter, she retrieves the sign she tucked away at the start of the scene.

EDDIE I’m not applying.

She picks up the to-go bags

KATHY There’s a trailer out back. Eleven dollars an hour plus tips. You send out the deposits by Fedex every other week. Deliveries on Mondays. Trash on ….

EDDIE Wait. I don’t agree to this.

KATHY Okay. Take the bus. (beat) You want the bus or the coffee shop, Eddie? (beat) It’s pretty straightforward. Just regular people coming through. Nobody special. No real drama. It’ll give you time to get your head organized. Think things through.

EDDIE Really?

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KATHY Yeah. And without having to freeze in Saskatchewan.

Kathy removes the chair from the door. Unlocks it.

KATHY It’s a break from life without anyone interfering.

EDDIE A break?

KATHY There’s a phone number for emergencies. Don’t forget about the door to the fridge. It’s tricky.

EDDIE Yeah, I can handle a screwdriver, but --

Kathy opens the curtain at the lower window, removes the knife, pulling up the pane calls out --

KATHY Diane? I’ll be right out. I’ve got your salads.

Turning into the room, singing

“Bye-bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee,”

She exits with the to-go order, turning the sign on the door to read OPEN. She leaves the door open

“But the levee was dry.”

Diane joins Kathy singing the song. Both pass the open window

“And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye Singin’, this’ll be the day that I die. this’ll be the day that I die."

EDDIE looks around the coffee shop seeing it for the first time. It feels okay to him. He ties an apron around his waist. He straightens the counter. He goes to the fridge and opens it. The door falls off the hinge.

EDDIE

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Damn.

He reaches for the screwdriver and works on the door with his back to the entrance. Lana enters. She’s in a hat and sunglasses. She takes a gun out of her purse and aims at the back of Eddie’s head.

EDDIE I’ll be right with you. You can just go ahead and sit anywhere.

LANA looks around. She’s uncharacteristically nervous. She- aims.

Billy appears in the door. Lana turns to him, the gun pointed.

BILLY Put it down.

EDDIE (still unseen) Looks like I inherited a lemon.

Lana whips back towards Eddie, gun still poised. Billy moves quickly and is able to lower her hand holding the gun just as Eddie looks up.

EDDIE I’m going to check for a wrench in the back. There’s a menu on the table.

Eddie exits into the back storeroom. Billy picks up the menu.

BILLY Don’t kill him.

LANA I messed up, Billy. I’ve never messed up before. The job was scheduled for Nevada and what is this?

BILLY Wyoming.

LANA It’s not good.

Lana removes her glasses and wide brimmed hat. It’s how we know her.

BILLY We’re just a little close to the end game, but if you can –

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LANA Yeah. I can do it. I just gotta shoot the waiter first.

BILLY I don’t think that’s the best --

LANA Don’t tell me how to do my job.

BILLY My job is to tell you how to do your job.

LANA Except I know how this has to go.

BILLY Me too. You’re in love, Lana. You fell in love with the guy you’re investigating and it’s messed with your head, so you think if you get rid of him everything will be back to normal. But it won’t be. You’ll be even more fucked up and you might end up killing me because of it. You’re not killing that man. And this is your last job. I’d take you off it now, but the clocks moving ahead, and the guy bringing in your mark doesn’t know how to pull a God damn trigger. It’s an art – you ‘ve got to have a certain mindset.

LANA I have it, Billy.

BILLY I’ll tell you what we’re going to do.

LANA Yeah, I’m shooting / the --

BILLY I’m giving your friend a shot of sodium pentathol to knock him out, and when he wakes up you can ask him out on a date.

LANA I don’t want a date. I don’t want a boyfriend.

BILLY Well, you can’t have one if he’s dead.

LANA He’s already dead. He got eaten by sharks off the coast of Mexico.

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BILLY He’s perfect for you.

LANA This is out of my comfort zone. (meaning having a boyfriend)

BILLY People change, Lana. (pause) Give me your purse.

LANA Why?

BILLY I’m going to help you out here.

Billy empties the contents of his shoulder bag onto a table. We see the same items from scene one: Pills, rope, razor, poison.

Lana sits at the table examining the items.

BILLY When you started working with me, it was after you tried to kill yourself. You tried a couple of ways. Do you remember?

LANA Of course I do, Mr. Evans.

He puts the items into her purse along with her gun.

BILLY I’m making it possible again. I’m giving you back your life so that if you’d like, you can take it. (pause) You’ve got some choices.

LANA I always have choices.

Billy fills a syringe and shoots a spurt into the air.

BILLY When some people die, no one goes to their funeral because no one knows they died, or cares who they are.

LANA Does that mean you wouldn’t go to mine, Billy?

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BILLY Do you think anyone would?

Eddie re-enters with a wrench. Lana buries her face in a menu. Billy brings the syringe to his side so Eddie can’t see it. Eddie spend a few moments adjusting the door so it works.

EDDIE Sorry about that. I’m new here. The refrigerator door is broken, and I don’t know where all the tools are. Did you look at the menu?

Eddie finds an order pad and crosses to the table.

BILLY What do you recommend?

EDDIE I don’t know. I haven’t tried any of it.

LANA I’ll take the Nicoise Salad.

EDDIE It’s a popular choice.

As Eddie writes, Billy injects the needle into his arm.

EDDIE What was that?

Lana lowers the menu. The serum is already in Eddie’s blood stream.

EDDIE Do I know you?

LANA Not yet.

Eddie falters. Billy positions the chair so Eddie falls into a sit. His head falls onto the table.

LANA Now what?

Billy glances at the clock.

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BILLY Take him into the back. The Native American should be here by Five. Make it clean. I don’t need a mess.

Billy exits. Lana puts her purse on the counter. She returns to Eddie, wrapping her arms under his so she can drag him into the back.

Fade in a song like “Little Miss Jack” by The Growlers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T6ZSQvn-js

The stage is empty.

The clock’s hands turn ahead to 4:00. We hear the same off stage sounds that we heard in the previous scene . . .

From outside the coffee shop, a car pulls into the drive. The music switches to the car radio (like before).

JAMI (os) You want a fried egg sandwich and a side of bacon. I got it. We’ll order it inside. You just take your time.

Volume up on the music as . . .

Lights fade, ending the play

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