A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion June 20, 2012 Focus on Healing 1 A FOCUS ON H EALING behind her eyelids – each time realizing Jewish that this is what death looks like. I didn’t Why realize then what I know now – that I Educator was lucky to be able to view her death as a Matters natural process. Like waves in an outgoing tide, her life force was drawn away from us BY AMY HIRSHBERG LEDERMAN as her body relinquished resistance and BY DAVID WOLPE her soul found its way home. Witnessing death: Towards the end, I would get annoyed The act of caring when visitors came and acted like they A lesson in living knew what to do. “Turn up the music,” a My father’s father died when my father friend would counsel. “Try to make her was 11. His mother was a widow at 34, I sat beside her bed, watching her eat,” another would coach. Each person and he – an only child – bore much of his breathe. She looked so tiny, wrapped in meant well, but only those of us who grief alone. In accordance with traditional mounds of bedcovers, her head softly surrounded her daily could see that she practice of saying Kaddish for one year, he resting on an oversized pillow. She no no longer wanted to be drawn into the began to walk very early to longer recognized me, or so I was told by chaos of life. She had transitioned into a each morning to say prayers in his her caregivers, but that didn’t stop me place of existence that no longer beckoned father’s memory. from speaking continuously to her as I to us. What was hardest on me was the At the end of his first stroked her hairless head. It made me realization that inevitably, we would all be week, he noticed that smile to think that just a few months left without her. the ritual director of the earlier she had been vain enough to insist My thoughts during those final days synagogue, Mr. Einstein, that we color her hair, so that no one were sharper and more focused than I walked past his home would see her graying roots. would have expected. All of the errands just as he left to walk to synagogue. Mr. Einstein, I placed a tape deck next to her bed that I had left undone and the work Rabbi Gerald already advanced in and played all of her old favorites, trying that was piling up on my desk seemed I. Wolpe to keep her connected to this world. irrelevant now. What mattered most was years explained,“Your home Everyone who was part of the hospice being close, not just to Gen but to those of is on the way to the synagogue. I thought team confirmed what I intuitively knew: us who loved and cared for her. Being, not it might be fun to have some company. that even in her unconscious state, she doing, was the only thing that seemed to That way, I don’t have to walk alone.” could hear the sounds around her and feel make sense in that time and space. And in For a year my father and Mr. Einstein us as we stroked her arm or caressed her those long hours of being, I experienced walked through the New England face. Sound and touch, two amazing an intimacy with family, within myself and seasons, the humidity of summer and senses, were what kept us tethered to with God that I had never known before. the snow of winter. They talked about each other now. There is clarity of purpose that emerges life and loss and, for a while, my father I loved my Aunt Gen, who was my when someone we love is dying. It helps was not so alone. ‘sometimes mother’, but more often my us focus on what is truly important in our After my parents married and my oldest friend and confidante. It was hard to life and let go of things that no longer brother was born, my father called Mr. believe that in days, perhaps hours, I serve us. It makes us aware of the Einstein – now well into his 90s – and would no longer be able to pick up the impermanence of our days and that there asked him if he would meet his new wife phone and call her for a quick chat, a bit is no time better than the present to say and son. Mr. Einstein agreed, but said that of advice, or a family recipe my kids had the things we need to say to those we in view of his age my father would have to come to love. love. It forces us to recognize that we, come to him. I had never witnessed death up close too, will die and inspires us to make every My father writes: “The journey was long before and to be honest, I was terribly day count. and complicated. His home, by car, was afraid. There were so many unknowns Soon after Gen died, I felt an urgency to fully 20 minutes away. I drove in tears as I that I didn’t want to even think about, let set things right with a family member realized what he had done. He had alone witness. How does death look? whom I had not been able to talk to in a walked for an hour to my home so that I How does it sound? What if she is in pain? while. Something had happened between would not have to be alone each morning. How can I help her be at peace after all of us and we just couldn’t break through our …By the simplest of gestures, the act of the months she fought so valiantly as a discomfort. Gen’s death not only gave me caring, he took a frightened child and he warrior against cancer? permission, it acted as a mandate to speak led him with confidence and with faith Slowly, hour by hour, something began what was in my heart. The conversation back into life.” to happen to me. The more time I spent we had not only cleared things up Voted #1 rabbi in America by with Gen, quietly watching the changes in between us but helped me see another gift (2012) and named one of the 50 most her body as her life ebbed away, the more that Gen had given me. That it is not influential Jews in the world by The I grew comfortable with my fears. And death, our own or others, that we should Post (2012), Rabbi David Wolpe with the process of dying itself. I watched fear, but a life not lived fully and honestly is the senior rabbi of Sinai Temple in her like a new mother watches a sleeping which is the greater loss. Los Angeles and author of several books infant- with wonder, amazement and Lederman is an award winning author, including Why Faith Matters. This story was awe. I studied her every change – a slight Jewish educator, public speaker and attorney posted on his Facebook profile on June 14, loss of color in her right hand, a pause who lives in Tucson. Visit her website at 2012: www.facebook.com/RabbiWolpe. or hiccup in her breathing, a fluttering amyhirshberglederman.com. (see Wolpe, page Focus 2) 2 Focus on Healing June 20, 2012 A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion WOLPE Wiener’s (continued from Focus 1) Wellness David’s father, Rabbi Gerald I. Wolpe & Healing Wisdom (1927-2009), was known for his compassionate leadership of Philadelphia's Har Zion Temple BY RABBI IRWIN WIENER, D.D. from 1969 – ’99, and for his many contributions BY MELINDA RIBNER “For you are to bioethics,j caregiving, and imedical education. 10 suggestions to with me… someone who is going through the ordeal. promote wellness It is even harder to comprehend the belief …Your staff is there to support me.” that God affords us the opportunity to and healing These words written by King David during receive comfort even while He cannot a very trying time in his life indicates his prevent the drama from unfolding. 1. Do not worry. Worry does not help faith and devotion to the salvation offered The Prophet Isaiah reminds us that God the person who is sick, rather it makes a by God in times of distress. He was fleeing will comfort us giving us the ability to cope. person contract, and not be available for for his life from the threats of King Saul. We tend to forget the goodness and kindness healing. Cultivate faith in G-d’s ability to Feeling nothing but despair, he turns to God that we encountered as we moved heal you and others. There is some hidden and eloquently describes his understanding through the journey of life. We become so good in everything that is happening. Find of the blessings associated with the gift of life. engrossed in our distress that we cannot the good. David finds the courage to turn his recall the beauty of the steps we took as 2. Choose to live in the present. Do not unfortunate despondency into a vision of we moved from episode to contentment. waste energy thinking too much about what collective redemption. He inspires himself No words can suffice to bring solace to was or what will be. We have only the and in turn all Israel with the remembrance the prospect of death and no actions taken present moment. When we are aware and of the goodness and mercy of God as the by others will give us the ability to forget present in the moment, we are open to the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 the anger and frustration. It is up to us to Divine Presence. Celebrate the gift of life years. How can such a God abandon him? return to the center of life through reliance in each moment as fully as you can. Take After all, he too is wandering aimlessly in on ourselves, our family, our friends, and deep calming breaths throughout the day. the wilderness of hopelessness. our appreciation of God who is there to 3. Do something each day to promote These thoughts come to mind whenever take our hand as we are guided on the path healing for yourself and others. Be good to I read the 23rd Psalm whether during of release – the release of all our burdens. yourself. Be good to others. times of grief or times of sorrowful news. I look at the sick and infirmed and I 4. Count your blessings each day. Being Unfortunately, life is filled with tragedies realize that my function is to hold a hand, grateful opens the heart so one can receive that often overshadow the wonderful or kiss a brow, or listen to their cries for healing. Today was a day when I moments of happiness. Memories somehow help. I cannot cure the aching body but ______. Write in your journal what travel to unfortunate incidents and shade I can deepen their understanding of you received and learned each day. the glory of marvelous experiences. Futher, reaching out to receive an extended hand 5. Eliminate feelings of guilt and we seem to dwell on the bad and relegate in friendship and understanding. shame. Guilt is the feeling that you did the good to the shadows of anguish. Where is God? God is everywhere we something wrong. Shame is the feeling People live and people die, but what want Him to be and even places where we that you are inadequate. Healing is happens in between can be daunting. would least expect. In the Book of Kings, blocked by feelings of shame and guilt. Hearing news that illness has taken hold we read that God is not in the wind, not in You are a beautiful being, created in the and has us trapped in a cycle of pain. The the earthquake, not in fire, but in a still image of the divine. Affirm that about news is not so good and the outcome small voice.That voice is ours reaching out yourself. If you feel regret or guilt over so predictable. Once there was vibrancy, to walk with God in our hour of need something you have done, forgive yourself gaiety, now pain, and misery as we wait because He will hear and He does see and and forgive others. Punishing yourself is for the final curtain to come down on our He does comfort. not helpful. Affirm to do better in the lives and our hopes and dreams. Spinoza, the father of future. Ask for forgiveness and make Where is God? Why is this happening? taught that eternity is the very core of God. amends if you hurt someone. Where are the days filled with laughter There is no end. There is continuation of 6. Meditate and repeat affirmations for and celebration? We search for answers life. There is immortality. There is life five minutes or more each day; “Blessed is and realize that there are none. There is after death. There is grace and there is God the true Healer”,“God is healing me illness and sometimes recovery. Such is forgiveness. God made all things both right now”. Visualize yourself surrounded not the case now. The news is all bad – no good and not so good and it is up to us by God’s light and love each day. Speak hope – just the realization of finality. to glean the good from among all that lovingly to the body part that is hurting. People will constantly ask me these very there is so that we can enjoy life and Give that body part special love and attention. questions and I search for answers that expect connection at death. 7. Pray for healing each day. You need will comfort and console. I cannot show Watching people go through the God’s help to heal. You may even have frustration nor can I give up. I see pain on pangs of torment can be unnerving but gotten ill just so you would reach the point the faces of those afflicted and those I remember the final words of the of calling out to God in a sincere way. standing close with no ability to heal or Psalm 23,“AND I WILL DWELL IN THE Pray for the healing of others as well. Make respond to the anticipated emptiness. HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.” a prayer list of people who need healing, God is there to provide a certain balance Rabbi Irwin Wiener is spiritual leader of the need livelihood, a soul mate, and so forth. in life. On the one hand, He extends His hand Sun Lakes Jewish Congregation. Comments to When you stand in prayer with a list of to lift the spirit, as the other hand understands [email protected]. His new book, Living with needs of others, it is more powerful than the affliction. It is hard to describe this to Faith, will be published in January, 2013. (see Ribner, page Focus 3)

A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion June 20, 2012 Focus on Healing 3 RIBNER 10. Make an effort to reach out to others Musings (continued from Focus 2) to uplift them. Say kind words to others. Do not speak loshen hara, speak badly from when you make requests just for yourself. about others. Hug as many people as you Shiloh You receive more spiritually. Even if you can each day. We all need more hugging. yourself are sick, pray for others. Give charity. It opens the gates for BY BATYA MEDAD 8. Do meditations with God’s name – healing. Even if you are poor, it will be Yud, Hay, and Vav and Hay. Place the helpful to give charity. Who said it’s hard divine name in your body. (See book New May we each heal on a personal level. Age Judaism or my CD, Arousal from Below May the whole world heal and be brought to eat healthy? for meditation guidance. If you do not to a greater wellbeing and wholeness. know the letters of the Divine Name, and Melinda (Mindy) Ribner, L.C.S.W. is a Too many people use the “it’s too hard” even if you do, visualize yourself in a spiritual psychotherapist and healer in or “too much work” excuse to make Jewish star filled with divine light. private practice (www.kabbalahoftheheart healthy food. I got 15 kilo (30 lbs) off over 9. Nourish yourself physically by eating .com). She is a teacher of Jewish meditation three years ago by switching to eating lots natural food, drinking pure water, and Kabbalah for over 25 years. Author of of cooked vegetables and almost no exercising, and spending time in the sun Kabbalah Month by Month, New Age carbohydrates. The weight has stayed off. each day. Eliminate negative eating, Judaism, and Everyday Kabbalah, she is And a year and a half ago my husband drinking or other destructive behaviors to also the founder and director of Beit Miriam was told to lose weight, too. He lost even the body. Seek alternative approaches like (www.Beitmiriam.org). She can be reached more than I did and has kept it off. I don’t acupuncture, spiritual energy healing to by email at [email protected] or call it a diet; I call what we did a “change support healing.Your body wants to heal. [email protected]. in how we eat.”

I cook and we eat lots of vegetables. I even take them to work. And I found that most restaurants will gladly substitute salads and vegetables for the rice or potatoes on their set menus.They want our business ($) and if they must make some accommodations, they’re happy to do it. You can do so much with all sorts of vegetables when baking them. These baked vegetables are very impressive when entertaining or bringing as “house gifts”when you’re invited out. My friends expect vegetables from me. When I bring trays of baked vegetables I know that I’ll have something to eat. The trick is to experiment to see what cooks the easiest and what you like. I always dribble a bit of oil on top. You can add whatever seasonings you like. I don’t add salt. Baked vegetables don’t lose their flavor. I bake them in a conventional oven. They aren’t waterlogged. Batya Medad is a veteran American olah, immigrant in Israel. She and her husband made aliyah in 1970 and have been in Shiloh since 1981. She has two active blogs, http:// shilohmusings.blogspot.com and http:// me-ander.blogspot.com, besides having established the Kosher Cooking Carnival; details on me-ander. You can contact her at [email protected]. 4 Focus on Healing June 20, 2012 A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion brain disease – or that I have a brain somewhere, sometime. Book to degenerate. In her eyes, I’m just this I’m secretly hoping someday he’ll omnipresent creature she adores, who fills emerge from his workshop with “The Excerpt her food bowl, takes her for walks, picks Lazarus”– a custom-built contraption that up her poop, scratches her belly, and resurrects dead dopamine brain cells and reluctantly removes sticks protruding from cures Parkinson’s. Of course, I’ll bravely BY ROBYN MICHELE LEVY her bum – the very sticks I am always volunteer to be the first guinea pig to test telling her not to eat. And while she isn’t it out. And I’ll try not to flinch, even if Ladies in Waning the brightest dog in town, her ignorance he attaches a modified Ham radio with often brings me bliss – rare moments guitar-pick electrodes to my head. I realize These days, everyone is worried when I forget that I have Parkinson’s and there’s bound to be some kinks to work about me, even strangers – particularly that people worry about me. out in the beginning, so I’ll brace myself impatient strangers at the grocery store, Warning: Habits may be habit forming. for possible side effects – nausea, chills, waiting in line behind me at the express Habits may also be hilarious. Sometimes headache, double vision, multiple orgasms checkout counter. Sometimes they are so they can be both. Such as the habit I – I can handle almost anything if it leads worried that their eyeballs roll right out of have of marching around inside my to a fix. their sockets as I slowly fumble through house, like a soldier in basic training. Meanwhile, I’m collecting facts – my purse to pay the clerk. Every day. Rain or shine. Hup, two, three, searching the web, borrowing library I’m worried too. Unsettling thoughts of four. Back and forth between the kitchen books, learning the lingo. Apparently, so drooling, diapers, and the living room – with gusto. is Naomi. When I go to tuck her into and wheelchairs According to my physiotherapist, this bed tonight, I have to choke back my loom large. And marching drill should help my rigid tears. Probably every kid in the world is so does death left arm swing back and forth and my reading the latest Harry Potter book, (hopefully before limping left leg lift up and down, in but not my daughter. She is flipping diapers). But these smooth rhythmic motions that would through the pages of an illustrated fears seem rather make a sergeant major proud. That’s what neurology textbook. futile to fret about it should do. But I march to the beat of a “Are you sure you want to read that stuff now, considering disabled drummer. And no matter how before bed?”I ask. I’m just in the hard I try, I lurch to the right like a spastic “Yeah. Look at these brains. This one is early stage of soldier – perky but jerky. I’d make a healthy. This other one has Parkinson’s. Parkinson’s. This sergeant major cry. And did you know that smoking may means I can focus The first time Naomi saw me marching, somehow protect the brain from getting my anxiety on concerns I face every day. she laughed and then squealed,“I arrived Parkinson’s disease?” For starters, there is my deteriorating walk, just in time for the show!”I was flattered – “I wish I’d known that years ago – I’d which I am very self-conscious about – teenagers are notoriously hard to impress. have started smoking.” particularly at the dog park. Let off leash, “Welcome to Cirque d’Oy Vey,” I said, Naomi asks,“Do you want to cuddle?” Nellie runs like the wind, as far away putting more schlep into my step. “Of course I do. Move over,” I say, from me as possible. Then she conducts Luckily for her, I was at the beginning of squeezing in beside her. I wrap my arms “canine crop circle” research, eventually my workout routine, cobbled together around my girl while she leans her head marking the perfect celestial spot with a from physio, Pilates, and yoga exercises on my shoulder. We hear Nellie jingling down-to-earth turd. Which I must find I’d learned over the years. There was her way into the room and jumping and dispose of, in front of everyone. I plenty still to come. Leg kicks and up onto the bed. I’m in her spot, lumber awkwardly across the grass, figure eights. Arm flexing. Knee tapping. she whimpers. My head is on her pillow, dodging dogs chasing tennis balls and Stretches and lunges. Postural poses. she woofs. squeaky toys, my left leg dragging behind, And the showstopper: tripping over “Don’t go,”Naomi whispers.“Stay.” my crooked left arm frozen at my side, Nellie while walking backwards. So I stay, forcing Nellie to cancel her torso tilting too far forward, right arm Naomi was entertained. She even got pillow reservations and curl up at swinging back and forth, back and forth, into the act by coaxing my left arm into Naomi’s feet. The three of us close our like a doggie poop divining rod, searching positions it can no longer find on its own. eyes, but only the dog falls fast asleep. …. until I strike gold. She still occasionally does this, without Together, Naomi and I luxuriate in this My many other concerns are not as hesitation or awkwardness and without shared end-of-day stillness. Neither of us public. I’m having difficulty flossing my the slightest indication that I embarrass can remember the last time we cuddled teeth, folding the laundry, chopping her – even in front of her friends. I find like this, but our bodies remember. vegetables, vacuuming the floors, putting this remarkable because I consider my Tentatively, our legs entwine and our arms on my shoes, doing up zippers, typing body an embarrassment of glitches, which overlap – reviving the affection I thought on the keyboard. Little things only I’d do anything to fix. we’d lost, collateral damage from the Bergen and Naomi notice when we’re at Unfortunately, fixing things isn’t my Bad Old Days. Naomi yawns, pulls the home. And while they don’t say it out forte; I’m better at breaking things. covers close, and rests her head on my loud, I know they both worry about me Casualties include the garburator, the shoulder. We are tired, but we continue a lot. Most of the time, I appreciate clothes dryer, the dishwasher, and, of talking about brains and dogs, while all this concern from everybody. course, the computer. I’m lucky that invisible threads of trust begin mending But sometimes I find it difficult being the Bergen can fix almost anything – he’s a our tattered love. center of apprehension and long to escape handyman with a workshop full of tools Excerpted from Most of Me: Surviving the scrutiny. and spare parts and an eclectic collection My Medical Meltdown. By Robyn Michele That’s where Nellie comes in handy. of you-never-know-when-this-might- Levy. Greystone Books, an imprint of D&M As far as I can tell, my dog hasn’t the come-in-handy junk. Which somehow Publishers. 2011. Reprinted with permission foggiest idea that I have a degenerative always comes in handy for something, of the publisher.