A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion June 20, 2012 Focus on Healing 1 A FOCUS ON H EALING behind her eyelids – each time realizing Jewish that this is what death looks like. I didn’t Why Faith realize then what I know now – that I Educator was lucky to be able to view her death as a Matters natural process. Like waves in an outgoing tide, her life force was drawn away from us BY AMY HIRSHBERG LEDERMAN as her body relinquished resistance and BY RABBI DAVID WOLPE her soul found its way home. Witnessing death: Towards the end, I would get annoyed The act of caring when visitors came and acted like they A lesson in living knew what to do. “Turn up the music,” a My father’s father died when my father friend would counsel. “Try to make her was 11. His mother was a widow at 34, I sat beside her bed, watching her eat,” another would coach. Each person and he – an only child – bore much of his breathe. She looked so tiny, wrapped in meant well, but only those of us who grief alone. In accordance with traditional mounds of bedcovers, her head softly surrounded her daily could see that she practice of saying Kaddish for one year, he resting on an oversized pillow. She no no longer wanted to be drawn into the began to walk very early to synagogue longer recognized me, or so I was told by chaos of life. She had transitioned into a each morning to say prayers in his her caregivers, but that didn’t stop me place of existence that no longer beckoned father’s memory. from speaking continuously to her as I to us. What was hardest on me was the At the end of his first stroked her hairless head. It made me realization that inevitably, we would all be week, he noticed that smile to think that just a few months left without her. the ritual director of the earlier she had been vain enough to insist My thoughts during those final days synagogue, Mr. Einstein, that we color her hair, so that no one were sharper and more focused than I walked past his home would see her graying roots. would have expected. All of the errands just as he left to walk to synagogue. Mr. Einstein, I placed a tape deck next to her bed that I had left undone and the work Rabbi Gerald already advanced in and played all of her old favorites, trying that was piling up on my desk seemed I. Wolpe to keep her connected to this world. irrelevant now. What mattered most was years explained,“Your home Everyone who was part of the hospice being close, not just to Gen but to those of is on the way to the synagogue. I thought team confirmed what I intuitively knew: us who loved and cared for her. Being, not it might be fun to have some company. that even in her unconscious state, she doing, was the only thing that seemed to That way, I don’t have to walk alone.” could hear the sounds around her and feel make sense in that time and space. And in For a year my father and Mr. Einstein us as we stroked her arm or caressed her those long hours of being, I experienced walked through the New England face. Sound and touch, two amazing an intimacy with family, within myself and seasons, the humidity of summer and senses, were what kept us tethered to with God that I had never known before. the snow of winter. They talked about each other now. There is clarity of purpose that emerges life and loss and, for a while, my father I loved my Aunt Gen, who was my when someone we love is dying. It helps was not so alone. ‘sometimes mother’, but more often my us focus on what is truly important in our After my parents married and my oldest friend and confidante. It was hard to life and let go of things that no longer brother was born, my father called Mr. believe that in days, perhaps hours, I serve us. It makes us aware of the Einstein – now well into his 90s – and would no longer be able to pick up the impermanence of our days and that there asked him if he would meet his new wife phone and call her for a quick chat, a bit is no time better than the present to say and son. Mr. Einstein agreed, but said that of advice, or a family recipe my kids had the things we need to say to those we in view of his age my father would have to come to love. love. It forces us to recognize that we, come to him. I had never witnessed death up close too, will die and inspires us to make every My father writes: “The journey was long before and to be honest, I was terribly day count. and complicated. His home, by car, was afraid. There were so many unknowns Soon after Gen died, I felt an urgency to fully 20 minutes away. I drove in tears as I that I didn’t want to even think about, let set things right with a family member realized what he had done. He had alone witness. How does death look? whom I had not been able to talk to in a walked for an hour to my home so that I How does it sound? What if she is in pain? while. Something had happened between would not have to be alone each morning. How can I help her be at peace after all of us and we just couldn’t break through our …By the simplest of gestures, the act of the months she fought so valiantly as a discomfort. Gen’s death not only gave me caring, he took a frightened child and he warrior against cancer? permission, it acted as a mandate to speak led him with confidence and with faith Slowly, hour by hour, something began what was in my heart. The conversation back into life.” to happen to me. The more time I spent we had not only cleared things up Voted #1 rabbi in America by Newsweek with Gen, quietly watching the changes in between us but helped me see another gift (2012) and named one of the 50 most her body as her life ebbed away, the more that Gen had given me. That it is not influential Jews in the world by The I grew comfortable with my fears. And death, our own or others, that we should Jerusalem Post (2012), Rabbi David Wolpe with the process of dying itself. I watched fear, but a life not lived fully and honestly is the senior rabbi of Sinai Temple in her like a new mother watches a sleeping which is the greater loss. Los Angeles and author of several books infant- with wonder, amazement and Lederman is an award winning author, including Why Faith Matters. This story was awe. I studied her every change – a slight Jewish educator, public speaker and attorney posted on his Facebook profile on June 14, loss of color in her right hand, a pause who lives in Tucson. Visit her website at 2012: www.facebook.com/RabbiWolpe. or hiccup in her breathing, a fluttering amyhirshberglederman.com. (see Wolpe, page Focus 2) 2 Focus on Healing June 20, 2012 A Supplement to The National Jewish Post & Opinion WOLPE Wiener’s (continued from Focus 1) Wellness David’s father, Rabbi Gerald I. Wolpe & Healing Wisdom (1927-2009), was known for his compassionate leadership of Philadelphia's Har Zion Temple BY RABBI IRWIN WIENER, D.D. from 1969 – ’99, and for his many contributions BY MELINDA RIBNER “For you are to bioethics,j caregiving, and imedical education. 10 suggestions to with me… someone who is going through the ordeal. promote wellness It is even harder to comprehend the belief …Your staff is there to support me.” that God affords us the opportunity to and healing These words written by King David during receive comfort even while He cannot a very trying time in his life indicates his prevent the drama from unfolding. 1. Do not worry. Worry does not help faith and devotion to the salvation offered The Prophet Isaiah reminds us that God the person who is sick, rather it makes a by God in times of distress. He was fleeing will comfort us giving us the ability to cope. person contract, and not be available for for his life from the threats of King Saul. We tend to forget the goodness and kindness healing. Cultivate faith in G-d’s ability to Feeling nothing but despair, he turns to God that we encountered as we moved heal you and others. There is some hidden and eloquently describes his understanding through the journey of life. We become so good in everything that is happening. Find of the blessings associated with the gift of life. engrossed in our distress that we cannot the good. David finds the courage to turn his recall the beauty of the steps we took as 2. Choose to live in the present. Do not unfortunate despondency into a vision of we moved from episode to contentment. waste energy thinking too much about what collective redemption. He inspires himself No words can suffice to bring solace to was or what will be. We have only the and in turn all Israel with the remembrance the prospect of death and no actions taken present moment.